the spectrum heart cathedral system

 

hey, quick update, no one died today, but we're sick and in pain and not too happy with the decisions made today

but we need to forgive. we need to heal.
tomorrow we are going to make a BIG effort towards that as far as art goes, wish us luck
we do need to sleep first. the body desperately needs to heal.

also it rained today. a lot.
so despite our feeling like an utter filthy wreck that still felt absolving. which helped.
(also it is cold today not hot which is also a massive relief)

there has been a lot of heartwrenching beauty in our collective life lately that i havent written about here yet
i should but words dont do it much justice
and there is still so much confusion and pain-wracked fear tied to it
from these poor damaged ones.
we really need to just take a few days, a few weeks, just sit and talk to them,
why havent we done that yet,
i think maybe we're just as scared as they are of facing that stuff, on some level.
but we need to.


i wanted to delete the previous entry but someone wrote that for a reason, it absolutely breaks my heart to see it, but there it is

healing is still happening, bit by bit
biggest good thing about all this: we aren't numb or unplugged
so even if we're walking through hell again, we're at least doing so together

so that's enough to get us through another night.

 

 

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@ 02:07 pm

 

(BRUTAL entry, explicitly triggering, totally uncensored.)

 

here's the thing,
HERE'S THE FCKING THING.

I am going to be brutally bloody honest even if I hate myself for it


I have experienced sexual things
I DO NOT LIKE IT.

and if you have not noticed
EVERY SINGLE TIME IT HAPPENS
I dissociate.
I blank out absolutely.
I have NO MEMORY OF ANY INSTANCE, AT ALL.


there have been orgasms but they are literally shit
no matter what they are absolutely stupid and dull
they hurt unbearably and make the body unbearably sick
and I am saying that as someone who has TRIED.
I HAVE REALLY FCKING TRIED to be "normal" and "holy" with this shit
IT HASN'T WORKED.
AND I AM TERRIFIED THAT MEANS THAT I AM BROKEN ON A SPIRITUAL LEVEL
AND THAT IF I AM NOT "FIXED" THEN I AM NOT TRULY COMPLETE OR CORRECT
it is horrible horrible horrible god I want to vomit just thinking about it

AND THAT'S WHERE THE FCKNIG CONFUSION COMES IN!!!!!!!!!!
because I KNOW what i want, I LOVE people, I want to EXPRESS that,
is that selfish? is that abusive?
but this goddamned society and religion tells me "NOPE YOU HAVE TO HAVE SEX IT'S MANDATORY IT'S GOD'S WILL!!!!!!!!!!!"
and so I get fcking terrified and attempt it.
honestly. I have attempted it. I have tried to be fixed.
but. every single fcking time. every. single. time.
it fails. IT FAILS. no matter how people try to justify it afterwards. IT DOESN'T WORK.

case in point.
I adore laurie. okay? for years people have been trying to 'have sex' with her. she always, always, always says no. "I can't feel that, I can't do that," etc. she DOESN’T WANT TO.
and that is accepted. that's FINE.
but then we realize "HEY, WE DON'T ACTUALLY WANT SEX EITHER,"
and then it's either dissolving into panicked scared sobs because god how did we almost fck up,
or,
dissociating into programming and thinking we HAVE to have sex because her refusal just lit up an ALTERNATIVE that we REALLY want, which is "love WITHOUT sex,"
but
BUT
we don’t believe that option is morally correct
WHICH IS BULLSHIT
but there it is.

no matter what, this stupid religious compulsion tells me that at some point I HAVE to "have sex"
WHY????
WHAT ABOUT THE CELIBATES
WHAT ABOUT RELIGIOUSLY DEVOTED PEOPLE WHO NEVER HAVE SEX
WHY THE FCK ARE THEY OKAY AND I'M NOT?????????????
WILL YOU SUDDENLY EXEMPT ME IF I START WEARING A ROMAN COLLAR OR WHAT

I don’t fcking know, I don’t KNOW
I am so fcking DEPRESSED over this shit

I DON’T WANT THIS. WE HAVE PROVEN THIS MULTIPLE TIMES, IN MULTIPLE CONTEXTS
I don't want it physically,
I don’t want it emotionally,
I don't want it logically,
I DON'T FCKING WANT IT SO WHY THE HELL AM I STILL TERRIFIED THAT I HAVE TO HAVE IT AND HAVE TO WANT IT EVEN WHEN I KNOW FULL WELL THAT I NEVER DID AND NEVER WILL



we really need to stop forcing ourselves into these roles out of fear or programming.
it's awful and it is perpetuating self-hate and self-abuse and depression and despair.

xenophon needs to be reset. I don’t think she was ever really reset.
she's too tied to trauma and the whole "parent" thing which only happened BECAUSE OF FORCING
we all admit we were confused as hell at that time
but xenophon needs to be freed from that, she doesn’t deserve this hell,
and quite frankly neither do any of the hosts who keep forcing themselves into trauma "for her sake"
that's not how this shit works
that's not what this is about


laurie has sworn that she will defend our asexuality to the death from now on
no exceptions, no being swayed by doubt, no religious paranoia
no. she MUST forbid EVERY ATTEMPT no matter how "holy" we insist it "has to be"
but you see??? it's COMPULSION.
it's FEAR-BASED COMPULSION.



I could only love someone who is a knife. that’s why I adore laurie. she is UNTOUCHABLE.
its why I have problems around chaos. I will admit that. I have A LOT OF TROUBLE being around him lately, like very very very badly, he's too feminine, too emotional.
infi gets there sometimes but then infi also has tons of teeth and sharp-shadow edges. ze's a daemon, ze can be soft as ever but there is always this danger, this knife edge, that makes me feel safe.
genesis is superbright and that counts as an edge sometimes, but it can go too far in the oppposite direction. but he was abused too, he dissociates and gets confused, we have to be careful.
I miss when chaos wasn't split, when perfect was still part of his psyche, back in the early outspacer days.
but I also DON’T miss that because perfect was psychologically blind and didn’t realize how harmful the stuff he did was.
I guess what I'm saying is that water doesn’t have edges and I wish to god that it did without turning to ice.
crystals. god he HAS that gem right in his heart, shouldn’t that be an edge enough?

I am so fckign sick of softness=violence
julie this is your territory
but you're the most damaged of all of us as far as this goes


you know what, you know what,
this fcking programming tells me "IT HAS TO BE THIS WAY,"
well how about this.
how about I test it out INSIDE and NOT DISSOCIATE?
then I will PROVE TO YOU that your way is BULLSHIT and it DOES NOT HAVE TO BE THAT WAY.

see, the SLIGHTEST attempt is met with REFUSAL, IMMEDIATELY

your shit is SHIT and it only works if you SHUT OFF OUR FCKING BRAIN
you fcking demons
leave us alone

sorry there are obviously multiple people writing this. all true thuogh.


OH! ABOUT THAT.
ALL YOU FCKING ABUSERS. ALL YOU HACKERS. ALL YOU SEXUAL-PROGRAMMING PEOPLE.
WHY DON’T YOU COME OUT AND TYPE HERE, HUH???????
DEFEND YOUR FCKING POSITION????

OH THAT’S RIGHT, YOU CAN'T
BECAUSE YOURE MADE OF PROGRAMMING AND OBLIGATORY BEHAVIOR
YOU'RE NOTHING BUT BLIND ROBOTIC IMITATION AND COMPULSION
YOU DON'T FCKING EXIST

that's where jay lives, right at the heart of this issue, right where we realize what we DO want and need
the topic we have discussed a thousand times.
love, real love, the kind that's utterly untouched by this sexual shit, he KNOWS what it is, and we have it,
we're just so damn scared that it's "inherently sexual" because it's intimate,
which is the biggest fear.
it's this horrible creeping paranoia that at some point, sex is GOING to happen BECAUSE we're close.
I am so fcking sick of that
I am so sick
that’s why I need edges, that’s why I need blood,
hackers CANNOT WORK when blood is around, blood is SACRED,
here's a message to all fronting people:
if there is a hacker around, if a hacker is trying to hurt you,
don’t even call for laurie, she gets distraught and they will try to hurt her,
call for a RETRIBUTOR.
even better, find a way to cause pain to the body in a way that is SHARP and SAFE
if there is blood, the hackers WILL LEAVE!!!!!!!!!!
and you will be safe
this is why relationships upstairs NEED PAIN
this is why heart connections are SO PAINFUL
because it is SAFE. and it is REAL. and it is GENUINE.
god we KNOW what we want and need and HAVE, why the hell do these outside people keep insisting otherwise



this shit is TERRIFYING.
HOW THE FCK COULD YOU EVER LIE TO YOURSELF ABOUT "WANTING THIS"
WHEN THE SLIGHTEST REMINDER SENDS YOU INTO A PANICKED BREAKDOWN?????
”I can't cry," you say, well then what the fck are you doing now????
YOU ARE IN TEARS FROM HOW FCKING FRIGHTENED YOU ARE RIGHT NOW KID
WHOEVER THE HELL TELLS YOU YOU "WANT THIS" IS A FCKING IMBECILE

stop looking at it. STOP LOOKING AT IT.
TO HELL WITH "EDUCATING YOURSELF" THIS IS ALL FEAR-BASED

you are just desperately trying to find support for YOU being okay.
you are looking through these articles and pages trying to find a chink in the armor, a break in the chain,
trying to find something that will make their entire argument collapse in on itself,
to justify YOUR existence and mean that YOU are not flawed or unholy in being what you are,
but you are so damn scared of being wrong in that,
you are so damn scared of being an 'evil heart' or a 'blasphemer' in so much as suggesting that it's okay to be asexual, to be what you are,
that you are not accepting any arguments in your favor, out of moral paranoia.
and yet you cannot accept any arguments to the contrary either, because you KNOW the fear and pain and disgust and shame and terror that accompanies them, whenever you try to force yourself into them, without fail.
you are running in circles, and your feet are bloodied on the rocks.
get out of their loop, it is only going to kill you.



I am very afraid that introjects in our System are still a real thing.
I don't even like saying they're part of the "System," because they're NOT. we need a better term.
but they exist. and they're awful and toxic.
BUT, it at least allows us to do internal healing work where it would be impossible to outside.
and it helps exaggerate just what terrifies us about those people, so we can evaluate that.
its just so so so sad to see an internal abusive reflection inside, of someone outside, who we experienced as abusive or otherwise traumatically triggering/ aggravating, but who may not have consciously realized that, or who may have been unable to accept that.

but we have introjects of the mother, the grandmother, and the two people from utah.
that is confirmed and I kept wondering why we kept getting sick, nauseous, why we kept getting confused with memories, why we had no idea what was real or not, we didn’t know these people, etc.,
its because the problematic behavior was being perpetuated inside, and we were too scared to face it.
well now we know. and we have to face it.
its terrifying still, but we have to face it
and I KNOW it can be healed. I KNOW that one day, the introjects WILL BE GONE.
but patience is key. we need to be patient. we need to forgive ourselves. this is fragile work. but we can do it.


would you believe we never really recovered from the static incident?
you know. we found something online. from people we knew. and we were in sick shock for WEEKS.
years actually, we're still reeling, still having trouble coping,
why?
"its their decision not yours"
yeah but they HID THAT and did SO MUCH behind our backs,
they never told us they KNEW we were unsafe with that,
but of course that’s WHY they never told you, they KNEW you would not be able to be around them once you knew.
and that’s so sad but that’s how it is.
god but I don’t want to hate people. I don’t want to hate anyone.
the hate just comes from fear. fear of violation, of forced infliction. fear of "THEY did that so now YOU have to!!!"
boundary problems. moral paranoia.
god I want to throw up and sob



I am so fcking sorry.
this is all so goddamn confusing

what am I even trying to say.


I just came across a quote.

"I dealt with a significant amount of abuse in my childhood as well and being aware has absolutely been the biggest part of getting past that for me. Being able to read studies in psychology that are relevant to my childhood, it takes a bit to be able to apply any of it to your life. It can be even harder to explore the possibility that many of your character traits come from your experiences with abuse, and difficult sorting out which parts of you are truly YOU and which parts are chemical/emotional responses your body makes FOR you."

that's really important. hormones are shit.
but they can be manipulated, they can be controlled. we just have to do more on our side of the fight.
but it's sad because when they're fcked up, your reactions get fcked up.

"Within minutes of exposure to a traumatic event there is an increase in the level of endorphins in the brain. During the time of the trauma, endorphin levels remain elevated and help numb the emotional and physical pain of the trauma. However, after the trauma is over, endorphin levels gradually decrease and this may lead to a period of endorphin withdrawal that can last from hours to days…"

see what I mean

god I am so nauseous I shouldn’t be typing about this or reading about this
why the hell do I keep reading about this

I'm ashamed. I'm fcking ashamed of the fact that I've endured so much shit, a lot of it by my own confused misinformed doing, because I am absolutely fcking paranoid of "not being good" and yet EVERY DAMN THING they tell me to do to "be good" feels self-destructive
the two main things are,
"don’t eat," and "have sex"
which is fcking horrible
I don’t eat a lot the way it is, now these damn voices are telling me FAST SOME MORE
and I end up purging and sick and dizzy and weak,
then the same fcking voices tell me "sex is the road to true enlightenment!!!!! you need sexual healing!!!!" etc etc etc and I want to STRANGLE SOMEONE because DAMN IT THAT ISN'T WHAT I FCKING NEED

but damn it I know what I need.
beneath all that surface-level shit I KNOW what I really need
and the bottom line is that I need to STOP LISTENING TO THIS OUTSIDE SHIT
BECAUSE I ALREADY FIGURED IT OUT
AND THEIR BABBLING IS JUST CONFUSING THE HELL OUT OF ME.


"know thyself" they say, and he said, and I know that's the main thing,
so I really have to stop thinking others know better than I do, as far as internal honesty is concerned.
there's so much out there trying to screw me up. I really need to be careful.

these entries too, are too tangled. I apologize. but they do help find truer things. they are signposts too.
and the frustration over misleading teachings is legitimate and I am thankful for that.
but pride, and this sort of too-white feeling, is just as lethal.
stop typing.

 
 

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@11:02 PM




I'm sorry guys. This is Cannon. There's been another massive existential System shakeup and frankly I'm probably not going to update here for a long while, or at least until this is settled.

There's too much problematic stuff still entrenched in our function, that really needs to go. Problem is, a lot of it we've accepted as "normal" or we've even grown to love. It has to go. No exceptions. No mercy either. Which is probably why I'm back up front.

Laurie says I can't commit suicide, if for no other reason than for her sake. I said then what the heck do I do with this daily life. We don't know. We've gotta try though. I suppose it's all we can do. No giving up, no surrender.

I've been crying for the past hour, somewhere between choking and screaming. My legs are bleeding. I want to sleep forever.

Again, I'm sorry. I know this feels cruel but really we NEED to purge the ranks and fix what's been corrupted, in one way or another. That's why we keep having these System resets, apparently. People are sensing that something is rotten in Denmark so they're just razing the whole place, but then they're rebuilding it the same way. That's not going to work anymore.

I don't know what the hell to do. Not for the most part. This existential mess I'm talking about... well, it's religious. And it's sexual. And it's rather seriously freaking traumatic, at the moment. That should say enough.
I don't know how to cope, personally. Maybe we ALL need to die in order to "cope" with this, I don't even know anymore. I really have no idea what to do. But I just hope it's too soon. I'm going to give it a few days, at least. Hope to God, or whatever God really is, that this somehow ends in a way that won't annihilate us and turn us into our worst fear-- a fear which were now being told is inevitable, and desirable. So it sucks, it really does.

I'm tired. I'm very tired, and now I'm so damn shook up that I don't even want to die because now I don't know what the hell is waiting for me after that. I'm afraid it's hell forever now. And the worst part is that it can easily NOT be hell, if I just "stop resisting" and "learn to like it."
Basically, there's no place for asexuals in heaven.

I really hope that's not true. I really hope it's not true. But right now I actually want to just sob because life feels utterly devoid of hope right now, I've lost all direction in life, what the hell do I do, where the hell do I go, I have no idea.

Maybe I'll end up dead, who knows. Right now the System says I need to be the main person because I'm "protecting" us from this existential dread. I'm a fighter who won't give in to that. But... the fear is that we have to. The fear is that we cannot be what we desperately want to be, because it really is morally wrong, so to speak.
God I don't even know. I'm sorry.

Bottom line is, we're trying to restructure headspace from the bottom up. We have a lot of questions that need to be answered, and a lot of anger over things that have been allowed to continue over the years and should NOT have been allowed to continue.
Things will not, or at least SHOULD NEVER be the way they were before this entry. A lot NEEDS to change.
A few people aren't going to be coming back, no matter how difficult that may be. They can't. It's toxic. If they want to come back, they have to come back differently. Simple as that.

Good night. My neck hurts from the knives and I'm just exhausted.

 

 

 

 

 

god i am so scared and sick and nauseous right now i am so so so sorry.

laurie, i love you, i love you, i miss you so much it aches, please forgive me for being dumb and blind, in both senses, please pleae please somehow forgive me for hurting you like i have.
and no dont say i didnt. i mean the way ive plagued you. somehow. this calcification got you too. you got too close.
everyone got too damn close because i got too damn close and how didnt i SEE how lethal this was, why didnt i REALIZE what the truth was
why in the world was this EVER allowed to happen, or keep happening, or anything

god i feel like vomiting and sobbing and all these young voices in our heart are scared but they cant get through, this body is so tired its numb, i have to be up at like 8am tomorrow to do more errands for people but god i just want to sleep. damn it i am so tired i just want to sleep.
god bless e, thank you so much for getting that new anchor plush for chaos, you have no idea how positive a force that has been lately. geez he just clicked right into it, i've actually felt at home going to sleep lately even if i havent been remembering any dreams, even if i cant stay asleep due to stress, even if i've been sick for the past three weeks. i can say, with a glow in my heart and a fierce sort of raw gratitude, that for at least ten minutes every night i don't care about all that waking pain because look, look at this, feel this, this is the realest thing i've ever known and it's STILL HERE.

i just spent like... four hours trying to make a coherent timeline of our old entries here, for publishing/therapy purposes, and then the computer ate it.
but i keep thinking about the "horror club" episode of SU, with lars. the whole poltergeist thing. i know i emit, i have to be careful. but when i'm this frazzled i wonder if this poor laptop feels it too. i dont want to hurt people but god how do i deal with this, do i have that luxury?

it's all this damn job, it's hilarious and ridiculous and aggravating but it's true. i looked back in our archives and i didn't realize how bad the job stress was until i noticed that's when the massive memory gaps began. i mean i don't personally remember 2006 either, or anything before... but there aren't even records for most of 2007. 2008 got so bad because everything boiled over.
i dont want a repeat of that. god i dont want a repeat of that.
except maybe i do.
shoot me in the head for saying this but MAYBE thats why god is putting this job stress in front of us, MAYBE he's trying to SHATTER THIS DAMN INTERNAL NUMBNESS THAT DAILY LIFE HAS CAUSED because MAYBE, JUST MAYBE, IF LIFE BECOMES TERRIFYING AND STRESSFUL ENOUGH maybe just maybe i'll run to laurie at the end of the day.
just maybe, maybe, i'll become too homesick to lie to myself about it anymore.
this isn't jay right now. i'm too old. young but old. this is cannon mostly. essentially.


there was a hack today
i know there was another last week or something i dont know
things are so blurry
theres a lot of pain and blood but nothing real bad. we're too tired.
sugar tried to do the atoning but god the pain is awful, we're so tired of atoning already, the people who force us to do this DONT CARE
i need to discuss that with the therapist.
we all do.
2012 was a nightmarish mess and maybe some of 2011 was too but i don't remember. i'd have to go look. the looking is revealing so much it's upsetting.



i haven't seen infinitii in weeks and god i miss hir.
ze's still in my heart and i can feel hir there but there's a distance still and that is awful, so awful.
chocoloco has been talking to me a lot lately. he's good at his job. he's fierce. but he has a side like infi too, that surprised me incredibly when i saw it.
but this DAMN NUMBNESS IS IGNORING THE IMPORTANCE OF ALL THAT SO IT CAN PERPETUATE THIS ABUSIVE DISSOCIATION.

and then i wonder.
why. why the hell is this still happening to such a shockingly persistent extent? is this a corrupted survival method? have we asked that before?
that's why we're scared of the job, this is bad enough already, we don't know if we CAN have a social fronter out for 8 hours a day anymore. we can try to force it, sure, but the burnout from the last job was bad enough (oh the JTHM days) and really, we do not want that repeating, we don't

i want a job. we want a job. but a GOOD one. one that won't completely overwhelm us like this.
we're allowed to have a job we can function at, right? are we being too demanding? just because we have "special needs" or whatever the heck this is

god i am so tired.

tomorrow just... needs to happen. we'll do our best with it. and THAT is the key word, "we," why is it STILL SO DAMN HARD to overcome the crushing self-hatred that follows that word?? why???
ignoring them won't stop the trauma, you know
look at today, that was horrific, she keeps coming out and using you, chasing away your protectors isn't going to do SHIT
calm down
NO. NO I WILL NOT CALM DOWN, WE CAN'T AFFORD TO BE CALM RIGHT NOW JAY,

earlier today i decided i need to burn. as in i don't want to be cupcake sparkles and white clouds anymore.
i want to be a white fire. i want my edge back, i want the fire that jewel has, i want the sparkle that laurie has, on the blades of her axes. i want to be INDOMITABLE in my light because THAT IS THE TRUE ME and I can FEEL it. Who in the world redefined me, and when? I know why; we all know why, it's the most obvious thing in the book.

YOU CAN'T LET THAT HAPPEN ANYMORE. AT ANY COST.


Jewel is doing tons of Parnassus work and that is great but it's starting to feel slightly hysterical. Like she loves it, and there's so much, and she WANTS to work on it all, nonstop, but now there are "deadlines" and she's feeling time press down on her neck and she doesn't like that.
Creativity cannot flourish in that environment.

We won't give up, we can't give up, I just want to sleep, it's 1AM, why can't our days be like this, why is there this damn wall,



.

I was going through the archives earlier and i came across a xanga entry from 2012, the awful one where 'i' almost killed myself and xenophon was watching us bleed into the bathtub and i dont remember what happened
but
laurie. her words on the page.
even with everyone else talking with her, she was there. brutal. real. and compassionate in her unflinching role.
dont let your color fade laurie, they're trying to take it from you, TAKE IT BACK, glow like the violet knight angel you are, please.
we all love you. i love you. jay loves you. i think even jewel loves you in a way. every real core who has ever known you has loved you.
okay?
and its the real sort of love, not the stupid lie they keep trying to force on us now.
no. i love you okay? i love you standing with my arm in one hand and a knife in the other. i love you standing in front of the mirror with a knife to our throat. i love you no matter what, i dont have many memories left but damn it you were my life, you are my life still, you are my everything and you always will be, i have nothing left in life but you. nothing but you. and i dont care because that is all i will ever need. just you.


jay loves you too
beneath this choking snow they're burying him under (and it's not even real snow), he loves you brilliantly, like a star. i know. i can tell.
don't give up on him, please. i know he's softer than i ever was or will be, i know he's delicate and so nice and he smiles like a pink sunset and he's so fragile compared to me, yeah i wasn't like that, i was broken glass but he's a rose. i know you need to handle him softer, compared to me. you're afraid of bruising or hurting him. i know. here's a thing... don't be. please.
i know jay. well enough from what i've seen. more like what i've felt as a core. what burns in me and what burns in him by extension. it's the fire in all of us cores, lit way back with the jewels, unquenchable. okay?
jay is a snowflake but he burns. he is a flower but he has thorns. something like that. jay is white fire, like he said.
he looks delicate but if you touch him you'll tell, he's got a plasma giant going off in his heart. he's a sun, he's a whole freaking supernova. contained in a glass rose. a cute little thing. but he's awe-inspiring, when he gets his head on straight.
keep it straight. keep him strong. protect him but don't ever, EVER mollycoddle him, or underestimate what he's fighting. ever. EVER.
the same things that were after me are after him and you know he won't fight like i did. that's his weakness. he can't pull out the brass knuckles or anything like that. he can't turn into a fiery spit of a maniac like i was on my bad days. he just... glows. indomitably, sure, but he doesn't fight. he should. damn it he SHOULD.
teach him to fight. TEACH HIM TO FIGHT. go stand next to him and do that cheesy anime thing where they teach each other swordfighting and you have to show him how to hold the weapon. make him blush like a schoolkid, i don't care. but then WATCH because THAT'LL CATCH THEIR DAMN ATTENTION AND THAT IS WHEN YOU NEED TO CUT THEIR DEMONIC ASSES DOWN. OKAY???
Cut them down. All of them. ANYTHING that tries to touch you or him. CUT EM DOWN with my grace if you need it. Cannonfire all the way.

He loves you. He adores you in a way more honest and complete and compassionate than I could ever muster. I was never soft enough to be that powerful. And guess what? You are. You ARE. He's made you that way and I will never be able to thank him enough for that. Okay?
Those evil bastards are bastards because they see that as WEAKNESS and they WILL try to hurt you, YES, YOU TOO, they will try to hurt you BOTH for it, they WILL try to corrupt you.
They can't. That's the secret.
Jewel says it's like the original Delphi story. "You can't corrupt something that pure." No matter how you twist or mangle something that bright, it's going to snap back into place unharmed when it's all said and done. I don't know how but I can promise you that. Somehow.

Jay is our current "Jewel" and he loves you and I love you and I love him like a brother and I don't ever ever ever want this hell happening to you again, this hell I went through and feel now.
I don't know what else to say. This song has got the right idea, "I don't have the answers." What is this? Mesita. Distance.

When this song was first heard, there was a great deal of distance in the heart. Now, not so much. Now, the distance has been transcended by the realization that there was never any "distance" at all-- just a wall. Just a perception of a mile, when there was only an inch, if anything.

I'm tired. At least people are coming out and talking. That's nice.
I like that. I like when headspace people come out and talk, I like you people, you're nice.


There's so much life in us, God we just want permission to live this all the time, well the answer is "you do have permission" and I guess the real question is then, what's stopping us?
Fear. Fear of... rejection? Shame? Fear that we "can't have this." Fear that we can't have love or joy. We can, we can, we do...

I want to go UP into headspace and just drown in this love with everyone, that is all I want out of life...well, that and the Leaguework, my heart is saying; that, and our "prophetic mission" or whatever it is... sharing with the world. Teaching? Getting out there and glowing.
But every night, every night, we can have this, just this, just us, completely. Balance. We can have this. And we can share this in the morning light too, we can bring this into our day, we need to really. That's the key to getting the most important stuff done.

The body is shutting down. It's too cold and jittery. Can't do anything about the future until it gets here, so stop worrying.

Good night everyone, for the record.

 

 

 

 

 

SESSION PARTICIPANTS
LAURIE UBERICH JEWEL (CANNON)
  

 

Somewhere.

Yeah, that's how I feel right now.

What's up? Feeling down?

As usual, yes, and you know why.

Ahaha, guilt trip from being such a whore, I guess.

That and being a slacker. A selfish slacker, no less.

A selfish slacker who doesn't know what the heck "self control" means.

Hey, I'm trying, okay? It's not easy.

Says you.

It's not.

Don't give me that. You're just being lazy.

You think so?

Ignorant.

...Maybe you're right.

Don't give me 'maybe' either. I am right. So I heard you betrayed Selph the other day?

...

Heartless hypocrite.

I know, believe me but I know... I love him so much it hurts, and then I... seriously, Laur, I don't know what's gone wrong with me.

A lot, J. A hell of a lot.

You can say that again.

Vanilla Naivete.

What?

Vanilla. Your sister. I saw that smile when you noticed the upload.

...Why, is that a problem?

I just don't get how you can run all your life, and yet spend so much of that time trying desperately to find someone again. I thought you were running away from all of them, not towards them.

I... well, I was. I am. I just miss her too much.

Stay away.

What?

Stay away from her. In your current condition, you'd kill her or maim her or some equally fatal thing, and you know it. Forget Midas, you have the Thanatos touch, you whore.

Stop calling me that.

I'll stop calling you that when Julie stops raping you.

Hey, that was uncalled for--

You're what's uncalled for, J. Not me. I'm here because you want me here. This pitiful excuse for a human being that you've turned into was nobody's choice, and it sure wasn't what I wanted from you.

You're angry?

What the hell do you think? Shape up or ship out, that's what I told you! And what did you do? You threw that right back in my face, you whore. Said it was 'too tough.' Said it was 'undeserved.' And now look at you! You're being violated by that pigtailed slut every time you close your eyes! Listen to me. Either you stop being such an idiot and get to work for once, or I am not only going to disown you but I am going to have my way with your freaking mess of a physical body, and you know what I mean by that.

You'll cut me to ribbons.

Better than that, Jewel. I'll flat-out kill you.

Yeah, I figured that. I have to say I deserve it at this point.

What, you're just going to stand there and act like this is justice? How the hell blind are you? If you'd just FIGHT for once, instead of standing there and letting everyone else ruin your life and tear your self to shreds, maybe you wouldn't be in such a bloody mess right about now! Ever consider that?

Laurie, what do you want me to do? I'm listening, I know that I'm screwing up, but--

But what? But you're not getting anywhere? Don't be such a spineless coward. You don't give up easily... or do you?

I don't.

Then STOP betraying yourself and do the right thing for once! Listen, do I have to invite Karl into our headgang to help me with the physical abuse when you mess up like this? He doesn't love you like I do. He won't show you any mercy whatsoever.

I know he wouldn't, Laurie. ...You know, let me just tell you something while I'm thinking of it.

Yeah?

I AM trying to do better. God help me, but I am. You know how I collapse whenever Julie so much as looks at me the wrong way nowadays!

That's only because she's kicked your ass one too many times now.

It's more than one too many times, Laurie. Once would have been too many times, and she's treating me like a rag doll. I'm not her toy to abuse and push around, Laurie, and we both know that.

Then why the hell are you still letting her do that?

I'm trying to stop her, I really am. I swear I just want to end this.

But--

But I don't know how other than surgery. Believe me, I can feel your pain now, and I'm starting to add all sorts of extra influences and reminders to keep her away from me and to keep me in safe places, but I can't stay on the computer all my life and stay up until 2AM every morning just because I know she can't touch me then.

That's only because I'm louder then, and you can finally see.

I know. I know, I can see everything so terribly clearly in the mornings.

Then why don't you take that wisdom with you for the rest of the day?

I... I don't know. Honest to God, Laurie, I don't know. Life isn't easy. I don't have the money or means to kill her, let alone the time, but I'm doing the best with what I have now. Unfortunately, I'm also distracted cruelly easily, my self control is at an abysmal low, and I keep denying myself, thinking that somehow someone has a better idea than me.

They don't. Now shut the hell up and get back to drawing Karl.

Wait, Laurie. What's your suggestion to this situation?

Same as it always has been. Listen to me, pay attention, remember who you are, and don't let that floozy touch you under any circumstances.

I know... geez, but why is it so darn hard?

Life is hard. You said so yourself.

You think maybe God's keeping all this pain and trauma in my life to keep me on track? To make sure I don't get soft or forget things or take things for granted?

Possibly. He might be. After all, he's given you far too many things to keep you alive, too.

Far too many? Laurie, without a single one of them my connection to this life would fray a little more. I need each and every one of them.

Then maybe you do need all this pain, too. An offset. Some suffering of your own, to help you empathize and to keep you from becoming too much of an egocentric hellion.

Don't call me that, Laurie.

Are you even listening to me?

Yes, I am. And yes, I do need some suffering of my own after all the blood, sweat and tears I see every day in everyone else's eyes. I'm sick of being a painless human living in some stupid cushy house with all these luxuries and modern extravagances and all that junk. I do want some suffering, some pain, if only to prove to myself that yes I am alive, yes I am getting retribution for my wrongs, yes they are not the only ones suffering here.

You're a pain addict for all the right reasons, I think.

I'm not too sure if I'm really an addict, though. I mean, I flinch like crazy yet when you tear across me. It hurts, and I'm still too freaking weak to take it like a man.

Guys flinch, too, if you hurt them enough.

But I should be able to take more pain than that. I should be able to suffer a ton of pain without screaming or flinching like some damned dog with its tail between its legs.

Hey, and stop swearing, you jerk. That's my job, and you said you'd stop stealing me from myself.

...Oh. I'm sorry. I almost forgot about that.

You'd better not. You remember what happened the last time you did that?

Yeah. That wasn't good.

Neither is this. Now leave the negativity and swearwords to me, Jewel, and you go about your crazy empathic business and leave me the heck alone.

Wait, you mean like--

No, I mean like leaving me alone as in me. I want you to stop eating me. I don't want to die before you die.

...Oh. Honestly, I'm sorry.

And pay attention to what you're typing. I can't talk as slow as you type.

Yeah, you're right.

So, what were we talking about again?

My fighting with Julie, my missing my sister, my feeling absolutely terrible lately.

Huh. Yeah, I guess we were. Which one do you want to go back to?

Julie before anything else. I want that settled as much as we can right now.

Can we settle it any more?

...I don't know. Maybe. We can try.

Yoda is going to hate you.

Heheh, I know. But it's all I can do right now without taking unneccessary cuts out of my self-esteem. "Well, Julie kicked my ass today, but--"

Watch it.

Sorry. But you know what I mean. Saying I either won against Julie or I lost to her-- that doesn't exactly help. I need to say "I might have lost today, but God help me I didn't want to. If I had my choice I would have thrown her right out the window."

Picked up a knife, done the job myself...

I don't think I'm ready to go that far. It's not sterile, it's not safe, and it's not exactly what I'd call sane.

Who said you're sane at this point, Jewel? Look at you. You're a total mess.

And I'm getting eye twitches every day now. Just like Karl!

That's not good.

No, it's not. The last thing I want is to turn into Karl.

Personality-wise, you mean.

Oh, yes. Yes. I wouldn't mind having a body made of solid resin, I think.

You'd break within the first week and you know it.

Why?

You're not careful. That or you'd trip while you were running or something.

Is that metaphorical?

Might as well be.

Huh. Well, anything else you have to say about Julie?

Just one thing. You keep fighting that devil in pink, or I swear I am going to lose it for good.

Take my steering wheel, huh?

I might. I just might.

Well, I plan to keep fighting. I don't want to lose anymore, especially not with Rorschach right around the bend.

Hey, by the way, start that counter right now. Hurry up.

Done.

"Do it for Rorschach," eh?

Yeah. He'll be here on March 5th anyway, like you said, so that gives me a solid genuine deadline to work with.

Just don't go last minute like everything else, you neurotic.

I won't, Laurie. I can't. That would be suicide.

Thanatos.

That's you, not me.

Who's the one trying to be me?

Touche. Well, I'll stop. I'm watching my language, see?

You'd better. And the only time you're allowed to cut the crosses is when I'm in control.

I know. I wouldn't dare do otherwise.

All right, now time for your little sister.

Already?

Yes, you don't want to be on here all night, do you?

No, I have to get some sketching done and I need sleep.

Well, we have 40 minutes tops, so let's get going. Vanilla, right?

Vanilla Naivete, yes.

Gamboge Sacrifice.

I need to draw her sometime soon, I swear...

You're both foods.

Isn't that funny?

Yeah, I guess so. You two should pair up with Lime and Apricot, then, start an edible Gen club...

Oh gosh, don't even start. That's hilarious, though.

So, are you going to draw Gamboge?

Soon, yes. As soon as I get some OC work done and draw some LoT and IF contestants.

Survivor and Everafter, too?

Maybe. Whatever ones I followed madly.

I think that was Survivor and IF.

Yeah, whatever one introduced me to Cyril and Spoiler and Inverted. That started everything.

You have to draw Cailen stuff, too.

That I do, but let's get back on topic. Vickie.

Yep. Your little sister.

I don't know what to tell you though, Laurie. I miss her, sure, and I love her, but that's all I can say. I wish I hadn't taken her for granted.

Your biggest fault, right behind selfish distraction.

I know.

Seriously, though, if you're going to fave stamps and read finale entries, at least get your feet in the water first. Sit down and start drawing up your OCs and writing up their backstories, or you'll be nothing but a wannabe for the rest of your life. Oh, and do it after we're done talking, please.

My, but you're being polite for once.

I'm tired, all right? All this Julie talk is draining me, not to mention ticking me off.

But we were talking about my sister.

I know, but that doesn't change my point.

Well, can we finish?

Sure. Would you want to meet her again?

Who, Vickie?

Yeah, who else?

Well... actually, I don't know anymore. I'd love to be able to talk to her again and have that close friendship like the old days, but... it's like you said earlier. I'm scared, I'm disconnected, and frankly I'm afraid of hurting her in some way.

Huh. Yeah, sounds like you.

It hurts, though.

I know.

Huh... well, maybe once I draw Vanilla I'll get a little closer to that dream. I don't know. I hope so.

Well, try. And make sure you do it this time, instead of just saying so.

I will. I have to.

All right then, last topic. Karl.

What? I thought our last topic was--

Wait. Karl first.

Why?

You've been obsessing over him.

I have not. I just like his character, that's all. He's rather brilliant.

That's it?

That's it. I told you, I can't form those sort of connections any more. Davy, Grievous, heck, even Barry and Nightcrawler... those sort of links, I seem to have forgotten how to form them. Now I'm just too afraid to get close to people, because they always end up dying in some way. Always. There has never been an exception.

What, you want to link up with Karl?

No, not like that! Like I said, I think he's cool, but he's a freaking psychopath and I honestly wouldn't want him hanging around my head knowing that I'm at least physically human, albeit unfortunately.

Point.

Yeah. So that's it. Just admiration.

Anyone that comes even slightly close to the old school Links?

Um... I actually don't think so. No one's really triggering anything. Geez, maybe I'm even broken. I've screwed myself up far too much already.

How about Chaos and the guys?

Ryou, Marik, Chaos, Grievous, Davy, Barry, Godot, Nightcrawler, Midvalley, Rorschach, Kain, and Selph all have the exact same Links as they always have, although my bizarre mental maturing has made me ridiculously sober and I tend to keep my distance now.

Bogardus didn't do anything?

Oh, no. I like him a heck of a lot, but he didn't trigger any old-school stuff. Midvalley's only on there because I was so volatile back then, you know.

Then why is Kain on there?

Because I've had dreams about Kain, and not the one you're thinking of. I've grown to really care about him as an individual for some reason, so he's up there.

Shade?

Don't even go there. No, she's just a pal.

Haha, figured I'd ask. Just let me know if you change your mind about Karl.

Laurie. It's not going to happen, I'm serious.

And I'm just pulling your leg. I know you're not like that. Now, last topic. Emptiness.

That's what it was...

What, you forgot?

Yeah.

That's terribly ironic.

I know. I'm sorry.

Stop apologizing for every freaking thing you do, I swear.

I-- I know. I've been doing that for ages.

Yeah, you don't have to tell me. But seriously, what's with your problems now?

I just feel... drained. Kind of like how you do now, I guess. But it's been like this for over a year now, and it's progressively getting worse. It just feels like someone took a vacuum to my head and sucked out half of whatever was in there... it literally feels like I have a void stuck in me, and something huge is missing. I was thinking it's religion, as my family has seriously been slacking off the family religion thing, but I've been making up for that in small personal ways... I don't know. Maybe I need to try harder, as usual.

Maybe it's that and something else. Maybe something in particular is draining you.

Like what? People? Connections? I was thinking that too.

Maybe.

Why, what do you think?

Expectations. You're putting too much on your head and killing yourself before you get started.

What, like with all this art and music and homework and dreams that I have planned all at once?

Yes, exactly like that.

Huh.

That could be it, you know.

It could be, but... but then what's keeping me going? I need all those things, Laurie, to keep me alive. They're like my drug. If I don't have a running list of things to do and accomplish, I don't feel productive and then I start to panic.

Do you need that much, though? Hell, just your Dream World work is enough to last you a lifetime, and I mean that in the literal sense.

I know. They're entrusted me with a lot. But, God's also given me Hosea and Volt and Monika and Anu and everyone to look after.

Yeah, He sure expects a lot of you.

I don't want to let Him down, either.

Yeah, I know. Hm.

What's up?

Just thinking. I don't think that there really is anything you can let go.

In that sense, you mean?

In that sense, yes. Maybe some of the free projects and uneccessary stuff, but that's it...

Artwise?

Artwise.

Well, if I sit down and get those done, it will not only help me to improve, but it will also make me look a little less like a scheming git who makes promises and then never keeps them.

Yeah, you're right.

You agreed with every word there, didn't you?

Yes, I did. It's true, Jewel-- your mouth's making promises your body can't keep, and your mind is getting ticked off.

My superego, you mean.

Yeah, haha! You got me there, freak.

Hey, watch the mouth.

Eh, I'm just edgy. You're more unstable than ever and frankly, I don't like that one bit. I can't keep you together single-handedly.

I'm not asking you to.

No, you're forcing me to. Who else is going to stand around you 24/7 and do the things I do? Selph won't pick up a knife and go at you with it. Hell, Chaos won't even look at you the wrong way, and he hates when I cut you, even when you ask me to. Delphi won't bother with you, X has bigger concerns, Revenge doesn't have a vendetta against you, Jezreel could care less, Gehinom probably doesn't even know you exist. I'm the only one who cares enough to keep you under control when you snap, and I'm not afraid to use force to do so.

Am I really that bad sometimes?

Look at yourself, Jewel, and don't make me laugh. Yes, you really are that bad. Maybe even worse.

I wish I wasn't.

I know you do. But you really should get some sleep.

Oh geez, you're right. 1AM.

Keeps Julie quiet though, right?

Right... man, Laurie, I am so sick of what I've become...

Well, what do you expect me to do? I can't change you by force, that's still up to you and your free will, whatever's left of it.

And believe me, Laurie, I'm doing everything I can at the moment...

Are you sure?

What?

Seriously, look at the situation, Jewel. Is there something else you should be doing? Manage your time better, then maybe you wouldn't have so many regrets! Stop lying to people and making promises you can't keep! Stop compromising yourself, for heavens sakes! Start caring about what other people feel! Start taking responsibility for your actions, and start finishing what you started, no matter how long ago it was! The world is still waiting for Part Twelve, and I'm still waiting for you to change for the better.

...How long have you known me, Laurie?

Longer than you know, Jewel.

I can imagine...

Get to bed, kid. And do me a favor-- think about what I said. Figure out what the hell you're doing and do it, all right? I'm really sick of all this indecision, not to mention the whining, and so help me but I'm going to do all I can to help you with it. To hell with Julie, I'm the top headvoice here, and I intend to live up to that.

Glad you at least hold me in that much regard.

Hey, I don't disrespect you or anything. I just wish you'd do better.

We all do, Laurie. We all do.

You tired?

Mm-hmm.

Well, change the text and let's get moving. Karl's not going to wait, and neither will I.

What is with you and Karl all of a sudden? I think you like him.

Ahaha, I like his drive. Wish I was that nasty sometimes, maybe Julie'd be gone by now if I was.

Ditto that with me. Honestly, Laurie, I'm sorry for being a whiny emo kid all over again, and I'm sorry for apologizing like a shivering twit. I want to do better, I want to change my life, I've said that hundreds of times already-- heck, thousands at this point-- but I don't seem to be getting anywhere worthwhile at my current rate. I'm finding hints and suggestions, warnings and dangerous places, but I'm just not learning fast enough. I've made some horrible mistakes and I've found some good things. I've ruined some good things and I've failed to recognize the bad things until it's too late. I've royally screwed up my life and the lives of countless others already, I've hidden under false identities, I've changed my personality more times than Cher changes her hair and I still don't know what the heck I'm doing in this world. I'm glad I have you, Laurie, and I'm glad I have all the other people I have in my life-- yes, even Karl-- but I just don't seem to be progressing. Julie keeps screwing around with me, you keep getting ticked off and with good reason, Natalie keeps getting murdered and Lynne keeps fading away when I need her. We've at least killed off Brittany and Missy, not to mention that one nameless voice, before it was too late, but our biggest problems are still staring us in the face and although I know I have the power to stop them, I'm not sure what it is yet and I'm afraid I might be too weak to use it when the time comes. I can't do that. Laurie, I need to stand up for my rights as a human being for lack of a better term, and I need to stand up for my morals and beliefs and put my foot down right on the hand of blashpemy and immorality when they come crawling to my doorstep like the filthy dogs they frankly are. I'm sick of being corrupted, I'm sick of being used. I'm sick of being ravaged by shadows with red hands and glass eyes, I'm sick of hearing vicious voices in my ear that aren't mine, I'm sick of seeing demons in hallways and I'm sick of being afraid that I'm becoming one of them myself. I miss Preludove, I miss Azurai, I miss Devonal and I miss Zeebee and I miss Dakeep and I miss everyone that saved me back then and I don't meen that in the 'I haven't seen them in years' way. I mean that because I've been taking them for granted, I've been ignoring them when they need me most and when I need them most. I've been ignoring the most beautiful and important parts of myself, the parts of me that aren't physical and keep my heart alive, the small details and the emotions and the fragile aspects that define me as a person and give me a reason to live. Laurie, I've been ignoring them and I've been ignoring you and I've been ignoring Selph and God and everyone else that tries to help me and I don't even know why because it honestly feels like this isn't even my body anymore. Hell, I'm sick of having a body. If I had a choice, I'd overexpose myself to the Master Emerald, too, and just be an energy being for the rest of my life, and to hell with immortality. When we die we die together. But that's besides the point-- I want to be in control again. I want to kick these demons out of my head, I want to sweep the cobwebs out of my heart, I want to fill up this void in my mind and find what motivates me again. I want to tell my dreams to the world and inspire everyone I meet. I want to try harder and actually get somewhere. I want to kick Julie the hell out of my head, and I want you and I and Lynne and Natalie too to be the only ones left, just us and my headgang and my monsters and my worlds and God watching over us all, without a shadow in sight. Laurie, I want to be saved, and I want that to happen as soon as possible. I've had enough of being used by the corruption in this world, and I just want to be a light again. I want my salvation. I just want some salvation.

...Wow.

Sorry about the words. I just... had to write that. Couldn't help it.

No, it's... geez, Jewel. You haven't done that in ages. Thank you.

For what?

For letting yourself shine through for once! That's what I've been trying to get you to do for the past few years, and then here you go and bleed all over the page.

I bleed, therefore I am?

Possibly. Barry would be proud.

Meh, maybe. He's just happy chopping stuff.

Speaking of chopping, we'd better end this bloody thing.

In a minute.

In a-- why? It's already 1:17, come on.

Wait, I want to talk about taking things for granted.

Why?

Because. I just got another figurative slap in the face in that respect, although it was entirely unintentional.

What happened now?

Just... a small thing. But it hit me again, how I take people for granted.

Like your sister?

Like my sister... like Jimmy, and Ben, and Jacob. Like all my friends. Like Ammie.

Like Alexandria, and Cassandra, and Lyndzee, and Stephanie...

All right, now, that hurts a lot.

It's supposed to. You were young then, you didn't know, you didn't think. Now I want you to hurt for that, and learn your lesson as many times as you have to.

Oh please, Laurie, I'm tired of my Thanatos hands. I'm tired of figuratively killing off--

You're not killing them off, Jewel. Some of them just leave.

How many of them? Two? Think about it, Laur! I can't help but feel that I somehow played a rather major part in the sufferings of these people, and God help me but I don't even know how.

Then maybe you didn't. Your guys, their fates were written before you even saw their faces for the first time.

Still hurts.

I know.

It still hurts, because I just seem to know how to pick 'em, you notice? Freakin' Rorschach, I thought he would be okay, and then he just had to go and die like that and I ended up sobbing like an idiot in my living room for longer than I can remember.

You loved him.

You know what? Yeah, I did love him. Just like I loved Davy and Grievous and Barry and Godot. Hell, I even loved Nightcrawler when I first met him. I still do! I still love every one of those guys! Point is, Laurie, I love people far too easily, and then it's far too easy for me to hurt them, even if they don't even acknowledge me. Point is, I connect far too hard, and then when my strings start to tear at my heart I'm wondering why the hell I'm bleeding all over the walls! Tony Bennett knew what he was talking about when he wrote that song and I ended up hearing it in this crazy game of life-- I fall in love too easily, too genuinely, too fast, too unconditionally, too blindly, and then when the repurcussions start hitting, I don't know what to do. I take these people for granted-- family, friends, soulbonds, muses, everyone that ever meant anything to me-- and it doesn't hit me just how much they mean to me until it's too late! Damn it, Laurie, but I never even told my sister that I loved her until she was gone. Do you have any idea how much that breaks my heart?

I thought you didn't break, you glacier.

Oh, stop smiling, you know I don't. But I'm coming far too close these days, and I'm scared of what will happen when that last fracture hits a pressure point and I finally shatter.

Really, Jewel. Stop being a hypocrite.

Why, what did I say now?

When you were younger you were always talking about your broken heart, your shattered heart, your glass heart. Now you just say it's cracked and walk off like it's made of ice. How the hell could you cry if you were frozen on the inside?

You remember that dream I had last year. You remember what they said about me.

Powers of ice, soul of fire. Yeah. But the heart point still stands. What the hell happened there?

I don't know. I guess I was just too naive back then. Overreacted. But seriously, when I look back and think about all of it, I think that if my heart had really broken at least once, I would have reacted much stronger than I had to things. I've been cracked and shot at and held too tightly, yeah, but I haven't collapsed into a glimmering disaster of bloody shards. I almost have, several times, and lately I've been mentally shattering from the traumas I've been going through, but my heart's still holding together somehow.

Are you sure you're not naive now? What if you're like those people with heart attacks, and you've already had your heart broken several times now but never noticed?

I would have noticed.

Are you sure? There's never a guarantee, you know.

...That's true. I don't know, really. I don't think so, but... geez, I can't be sure.

S'okay. We're off topic anyway.

That we are. By the way, I'm sorry for taking you for granted too.

Huh? Why?

Because of what you said earlier-- much earlier. You care more than I realize, you help me more than I realize. I think I would have lost nearly every battle with Julie so far if you haven't been helping.

All right, now you're giving me too much credit. I'm not the only one upstairs who's aiding you in this.

Yeah, but who's been the biggest influence? Who's the reason Mofo and Bogardus are even keeping up the pep talks and crazy Baptist warning sermons? You are, Laurie, because not only are you brave enough and confident enough to stand up for the both of us and keep me walking straight, but you're nice enough to stay by my side even when I let you down and forget that you were never promised to me. I could lose you any day, just as easily as I lost Natalie, and I know you too well; you'd never return. Heck, look at me! I've been siphoning you for months without even realizing it, and half the time you don't even speak up, even though I know you're pissed off at me. Laurie, I don't want you to die. You remember that time with my psychiatrist.

Yeah, I remember that. I think that was proof that you weren't taking me for granted, though.

Well, that was the first time it hit me. I realized, "oh my gosh, if I lose her, what am I going to do?" I had never really considered the harsh reality of maybe losing you forever, and that hit me like a train of bricks.

With a grenade in it.

With five grenades in it, seriously. But I am sorry. I really should have spoken up sooner.

Nah, it's okay. Besides, I haven't said the same to you yet.

Really?

Really. I've told you why I'm here; I'm here to protect you, and I'm not doing that because it's my job or anything. I'm here because I'm part of you, but I stayed here because I care. I met you in that dream and I saved you from that hell because I knew you were a good person and I still do, no matter how many mistakes you make and how many times you lose. You always try, even if you don't succeed, and you care far too much for your own good. It ticks me off when you put yourself down every time I try to drag you back up, and I know my methods aren't the best but God knows they work, and that's what matters to me. I don't want to lose you either, all right? I'm your favorite headvoice, and so help me but I'm going to live up to that title if it kills me.

Don't go that far, Laurie.

Heheh... all right. If you say so.

Well, that was sudden.

What, the whole conversation?

Yeah. I think I needed that, though.

As did I. But you also need sleep.

Aw, geez. 2AM again.

Time to listen to stupid reggae, huh?

I could, but I'd much rather listen to this Debussy sonata and go to sleep with that in my head instead of some guy angsting over getting caught by the fuzz.

I bet Karl could play this violin solo.

I bet he could. I also bet he'd stab me if I tried to compliment him on it.

I am going to laugh so hard if you two hook up or something.

It'll never happen, Laurie. I swear.

Pinky swear?

Won't work no more.

Good, you got the reference.

Hey, violent knight on the edge of your knife.

Silent night for the rest of your life!

I'm getting chest pain again.

Well then, get the hell to bed, unless Karl just stabbed you. In that case, get your ass to an emergency room.

It might be a little hard to explain that I was stabbed by a statue.

It might be even harder to explain that your favorite headvoice just stabbed you because you wouldn't shut the hell up and get to bed.

Yeah, that might be tough. That's another reason why I don't bring you guys up to psychiatrists anymore; they just don't understand.

That's probably a major source of your problems, though. You need to talk about Julie.

Well geez, what am I supposed to say? "My stepsister mindrapes me every time I try to sleep?"

Not just you, either. And she's not your stepsister, thank God.

Well, it's easier to believe than "my headvoice does all this shit to me..."

Hey, watch the mouth, you spaz.

I love how we alternate that line. I just love how paradoxical we are.

Yeah, it's pretty funny. Blame Chaos for that nickname of yours, though.

Oh yes. Can't forget that.

But seriously, get to bed.

Wait, we need a good ending line first.

I got one. Go die in New Jersey.

Also, listen! I rattle!

*rattlerattlerattlerattlerattle*

All right, now that's just creepy.

Hey, headvoices get special creepy powers too. Now get the hell to bed before I stab you with my bird-knife.

All right, all right!


 

 

 

 

 

 

I have two words to say about all this.

F*cking HELL.

Do you have ANY IDEA how hard Laurie and I
are trying to fight this sort of thing?

(I'm getting sick every time I even think of art now)

Julie doesn't die easily!
And here you are
throwing THIS at us
on top of it all.

Shit.
Just because I can't stand men
doesn't mean I like women
SERIOUSLY.
I can't stand ANY of it.

I swear,
you make me draw ONE MORE MODEL
I am going to SNAP
and that won't end well.

DAMN IT, JULIE, WHY WON'T YOU DIE??



Mom won't let me
cut my hair
like Johnny
because she says that
everyone will think that
I'm a lesbian.

Well I SWEAR
the FIRST person
to call me a lesbian
is getting MY FIST
in their f*cking FACE

...well maybe not.
I couldn't hit anybody.

BUT I'LL HIT ME
DAMN STRAIGHT I'LL HIT ME
I'LL HIT ME UNTIL I BLEED




I really wish that I could fall asleep
and get lost in my head
not wake up for a long time.
(go somewhere better)


Z?
THE ETERNAL QUESTION!

Sure I like dreams
but seriously
BIOLOGY SUCKS
and humanity
makes me sick
(sometimes)
quite often

IT'S NOT A VERY NICE
FEELING
(LOSING YOUR MIND)
YOU KNOW?

It always seems to happen
when you get BLOOD
on your hands.

human blood.
your own blood.

something
SNAPS
and then that's it.

that's how Devi went
that's how I went



the screws
have come
undone


YOU CAN'T STOP IT.





So yeah.
I lost my mind
(for good)
two weeks ago
and I have had ENOUGH of this idiocy


(this is ART not PORNOGRAPHY)
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU


shit here she comes again.
I can't take two more hours of this.

 

our father
who art in heaven
hallowed be thy name
may your kingdom come
and your will be done
in all worlds
as it is in heaven
give us this day
our daily bread
and forgive us our sins
as we forgive those
who sin against us
but then what do I do
if I can forgive all of them
but find it so hard
to forgive myself?
I should be better
so why the hell am I worse?
and lead us not
into temptation
(especially the ones
our headvoices
put into our heads
whether we want them or not)
and deliver us
from evil
in all its forms
especially
ourselves.

amen

 

SESSION PARTICIPANTS
LAURIE UBERICH JEWEL (CANNON)



Hey there.
You're supposed to be writing a report, you moron.
I know. Just felt like saying hello to you, though.
Don't know why the heck you'd do that. I've been hijacking your consciousness all month. Would've thought you'd have had enough of me by now.
Nope. I miss you when you're not around and yelling at me.
Sheesh you're a headcase. Now write your bloody report.
I will, I will. Give me a minute.
A minute turns to ten minutes in a second with you.
Wait, what?
Never mind.
No, really. That was brilliant.
Glad you think so. But seriously, write that freaking thing. You only have an hour tops before you're going to collapse from fatigue. That's been happening a lot recently.
I know, I know. Mostly because of Rorschach lately.
Good heavens, I swear you are obsessed with that man.
Not obsessed. Just addicted.
Right. I remember when you were like this with Grievous and Davy Jones.
Why does everyone always bring them up?
Because Grievous was part of your daily life for several months in 2005, and you ended up openly admitting that you loved that squidman back in 2006. That's why.
Oh. Good reasons.
Sure are. And Chaos goes without saying.
A-haha, yeah. We'll keep that quiet for now.
Yeah, otherwise we'll get into a whole rant and you'll end up pulling a Johnny-nighter again.
A what?
A Johnny-nighter. Where you stay on the computer until 8AM the next morning doing work, and inevitably end up writing at least 2 journal entries and thinking largely about JTHM during that time.
Good heavens, where are you getting all these terms from?
The ice machine.
Oh. Okay.
It knows things.
You know, I think the both of us need sleep.
Geez, you moron, I'm just joking around. Evil never sleeps, and neither do I.
Aha, you're quoting Rorschach! Wasn't that in a fanfic, though? A good one?
Hell if I know. I'm just trying to keep you awake.
Oh. Yeah. Hey, guess what?
What now?
I'm totally screwed come August.
Why, the trip?
Yeah. Jacob's planning far too much. I wish I wasn't so antisocial and serious, because that really upsets people, y'know? They all want to do stuff and I just want to keep to myself. Maybe talk about something interesting for a bit but that's all. I just... don't want this trip to happen.
You're very mental.
In both senses, yes.
Haha, that is true. But honestly, why are you worrying about this now? I mean, besides the fact that the day is bearing down on you like a freight train.
A freight train full of spike grenades.
Sounds painful.
It is.
What, do you still want them to cancel the visit?
I can't do that. He's looking forward to it too much, and I need to learn to stop being selfish about those things. Just because I don't want something doesn't mean life's going to agree with me on that point.
Hey-- but are we really talking selfishness, or are we going back to the infamous compromise issue?
Ah... you know what, probably the compromise issue.
I find it funny how both Rorschach and Johnny gave you the same bloody advice.
That's because I need it.
Like a hole in the head.
Paradoxically, yes.
I love killing cliches.
Amen.
But yeah, I think it's just that. You're afraid that by allowing this all to happen, you're going to have no other choice but to change your literal personality just to get through it all.
The infamous aura chameleon.
Maybe you are a Crystal, I don't know. We need to go see.
Yeah, someday. Right now, though, I'm more worried about whether or not I'm going to make it through those three days intact. I'm afraid I'm either going to lose something, kill something, or both concerning either of us.
Hmm. Yeah, that's serious stuff.
Tell be about it. Hey, I never heard the full version of the Pikachu remix before.
What the-- oh, the song on WMA right now. Geez, you shocked me.
Sorry. I've never listened to this whole thing before, though. Apparently they sync the English Pokerap into the last minute or so. It's hilariously fun to listen to.
Well, I guess I can thank Newgrounds for that.
Yeah, you can. Geez, I can't believe I found that website when I was 11, haha. Not good for my mental health.
No kidding. Let's get back on topic, though. It's getting late.It's getting early.
Aw, who the heck cares what it's getting. You should be in bed regardless.
One day I'm going to wander in there and there's going to be a note on my pillow saying "BeHinD you"--
Heh, yeah, and then you're going to be in deep trouble.
He'll probably throw my Pokemon plushies at my head or something. "Class tomorrow. I checked. No sleep. Very bad."
I would pay him to do that.
Do it.
Fine. Don't cry when he keeps you up until 4AM, then.
I won't. We'll stay up talking about random stuffs and we'll eat sugar cubes because we can.
Yeah, that'll keep you awake for sure. Hey-- where's that freaking report?
What? Oh, yeah...
Yeah, the report. What did I tell you about the ten minutes, huh? It's 1:14 AM, for the love of sanity. Get finished.
I will, I will. Sorry, Laur... I just really wanted to talk to you tonight.
Oh, that's okay. I just don't want you losing all this sleep again. Very bad.
I'm going to be laughing about that for days.
Good. Now go to sleep before the sugar cubes wear off.
All right, all right!
Report first.
Yeah, can't forget that, Thanks, Laurie.
Anytime.
Oh-- oh geez, look at the entry title...
A-ha haa! Brilliant! How the heck did you do that?
I didn't! I just wrote it there as a topic because that was the last scene I read over, and then you made that joke and...
And it all just fit together perfectly.
Yeah!
Geez,
that was pretty epic, though.
Darn straight.
Damn straight.
Same thing.
No, mine is missing an 'r.'
There's an extra in Rorschach's signature.
You steal that 'r' and you're going to have more than a Celebi plushie thrown at your head.
Like butcher knives.
That's Barry's job, you idiot.
I miss him too.
Well that settles it.
What?
You obviously need sleep.
Yeah, that's true. Well, good night, Laurie.
Good night. And finish that report.
I will.
Good.
Um... are you really going to pay him to do that? Just so I know what to watch for.
Kid, I won't pay him a cent until that report is finished.
All right, I hear you!
You going to leave now, then?
Yeah... I just need a good closing line.
How about we just call it quits and see how that works?
It should work fine, actually.