the spectrum heart cathedral system

busy people thinking death = silence

people rushing through life, filling it with noise and action and too much stimulation, not thinking about death because to them death is just "the end." things just stop. they figure "there will be enough silence and stillness when I am dead" and I guess they fear that so they avoid anything and everything even LIKE death while they are alive??

I am falling into that trap lately.
which is ironic as I HATE IT and really just want the things that are like death.
again this can trap me. for me, "death" in such a negative sense IS this noisy mess.
real death is the "end of this game." real death is just "leaving" and going home.

 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------


@ 08:04 PM


FAITHSTUFF


My faith really suffered until I realized that Jesus isn't just "some holy guy"-- he's God incarnate. He is fully human, yes, but he's also fully divine, and not in the 'modernist' interpretation of the phrase


(dedication to Mary, childhood fears and confusions, etc. talk about great developments in understanding of faith lately.)


★ faith "depressing" because its become too much ritual obligation and NO LOVE?
We're so freaked out over "following the rules" that we're obsessed with the possibility of breaking them and therefore ALL our attention is on WRONGDOING. This is not good.
When someone tells you over and over, "do not steal," then even if you don't steal, that command is going to worm into your head and you'll start to panic in every occasion that stealing is even possible. You will see only opportunity for sin, and with that dread hanging over you, you will feel almost expected to sin. "Do not steal," they said, and so your head is filled with fear and knowledge of theft, even if you were never inclined to do so before. Do you see what I mean?
On the contrary, before we started this religious bent, we didn't think about that stuff at all because we were too busy thinking about love, and how best to take care of ourself and others. We didn't steal because we wanted to be just, we wanted to be fair, and we were concerned about doing GOOD.
This is a bit tricky to iterate but the point is, our current situation of Law-focused paranoia is actually making us a bad person. And we're miserable. We're out of touch with life. We've forgotten how to be a person, we've forgotten how to interact with people, we feel cut off from nature and creation, we spend all our time ritually praying and never feeling any closer to God for it, begging for forgiveness and yet feeling eternally damned to hell, suffocating in our own filthy and loathsome self-perception.


Deep in my heart of hearts even I am good because I believe that anything created by God is inherently good, deep down just the same.


(unfinished)

 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


@ 10:49 PM

 

JUNE 14, TO WRITE

⋆⋆⋆EDIT NOTE FROM 0630: AS OF THE HOSPITAL VISIT, THIS MEMORY HAS RESET AND THE HOSPITAL IS NOW THE NEW REFERENCE OF COMFORT, NOT SLC.⋆⋆⋆


✦ write about SLC, especially 2010
✦ write about how missing that profoundly ties into both the constant weeping and the eating disorder, esp. the wanting to vomit until I'm hollow
✦ WHEN DID THAT ALL START??? we had this disorder back in 2010, remember, but not this bad. check logs, did it get this bad in 2013?
✦ "when the hacks stopped I didn't know how to live without abuse" topic
✦ write, in chronological order, EVERY SINGLE MEMORY we actually have of BOTH visits
✦ check diet logs to see if "reliving" those would assist with recall
✦ set up red & blue lights in room
✦ send y scans of ner headvoices that we did, try to do one or two more?
✦ y's notable books: "the magician's nephew" and that one fantasy series???

✦ write about the awful, awful, aching need for a mother

✦ jmc just put up a new thing on their website and I ADORE IT so much. oh man. I am so proud of this kid
✦ dp is currently obsessed with woodkid which is great. also some other bands I've never heard of, gotta look into them

 

 

Well I'm quite scared and disturbed.

You do not want to know what my left arm looks like right now.

Boss showed up to tell me, very seriously, that "that is the last straw," and that we need to both discuss this and take action ASAP.
To prepare I am reading through a great deal of archive entries from 2011, because Laurie and I realized with an odd surprise today that 2012 seems to be largely missing from our life? Like we frequently find ourselves skipping it when we count years, or try to find dates, even if we're aware of the events in it having had happened. I wonder if that's a result of the Scratch, who knows.
Regardless there is a TON of relevance here. This and THIS really stand out, for example.

Found my loudest and most interesting "splinter" today, for lack of a better term. You know him as Eros. This explains a lot, and it also gives us a LOT of hope. But we'll get to all that some other time.

Genesis wanted to have a Xanga session with me today but... well, things didn't work out. I did promise him though, so if tomorrow allows, I will. There's an old but important topic I think we need to discuss. Lots of Parnassus stuff too... that series won't leave me alone as of late, which is good, but it's causing a LOT of crazy stuff upstairs that Gen and I really need to figure out together.
The only problem is school. I've had 4 classes total so far and they're doing great, but that awful self-intro speech is due Monday and that is literally the only thing I dread about speech classes. I'm sure we'll manage, but I just don't want it devouring my headspace time like it tends to do.

I miss Infinitii in a weird non-tangible way. Maybe he's sending his emotions to me again. I'll have to see.

There's so much going on inside and I've been ignoring it for so long.
I can't see people anymore. I can't even feel them.
Laurie keeps having mini-breakdowns because she insists I'm "too broken" at this point.
And yet the downstairs world keeps demanding my attention instead.
I don't like that at all.
Heck, that's probably why 2011 was so divine-- I spent about 85% of it upstairs!


In any case, it is extremely late, I only got 2 hours of sleep last night, and I'm exhausted.

I'm going to forget about all this blood for the next few hours, and pray no one else sees it.
God I wish I knew what those underground people are trying to pull here. It's frightening.

We'll figure it out though. We always do.
We just need to get back together is all.

 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

@ 10:19 pm

 

 

(not j)

i hate this
my mom is home for the first time in weeks and she wont leave
shes staying over tonight which is worse
every time shes around i spend the whole day trying to avoid her
so i dont get sucked into her happy mask acting games
and her silly obsessions over material things
its 10pm and i honestly feel like i just woke up
because i DO NOT REMEMBER ANYTHING about today thanks mom
obviously ive been dissociated this whole time thats lovely
all i know is that someone was binging as theres a ton of food in the fridge
i dont think we drank anything? the body feels extremely sick
not sure if anyone saw the left arm were strangely terrified about it
never been that scared of cuts before but were not even trying to hide these?
go figure its really bizarre and disturbing
school tomorrow, writing first speech and taking first math test
i love math whee our teacher is from our high school hes so cool
so im looking forward to that but not the whole "going to school" thing
which is weird? like i adore the classes but the getting there is stressful
the waking up and getting ready and driving and stuff
cant i just teleport there geez
at least we get to talk to genesis the whole time thats nice
found a lot of beautiful stuff on soundcloud today
its such a deep website thats why i love the internet
we have such an obsession with depth
finding websites we can plunge into is euphoria
like pixiv oh man i miss that site
but i dont miss the nsfw art everywhere ewwwww
why do people even draw that stuff its terrifying
same with tumblr guys please stop drawing p*rn
i dont want it anywhere near me thank you
anyway soundcloud is beautiful so many nice sounds
gonna have to escape there for a bit maybe before we sleep
the mom wont leave lots of us are scared of her, some of us hate her
oh now i remember someone got really mad at her earlier? not sure why
but we dont want to be around her anymore today
we lost our day off to hiding and acting around her, poof its gone
not her fault, our fault for not being able to function around her
but cant leave the house. so stuck.
how many people are writing this thing
see this is why i wish we could write as fast as typing
cant tell apart different typing styles easily but the switches are fast
lots of cofronting and bleedover and stuff
writing is so slow and lots of people forget how to write
or the ap buffer gets in the way too much
not here its so easy to just turn off body sensation and just type
so thats what we do

nothing else to say for tonight this is a waste entry
jewel says stop clogging up the adakias journal with our stuff
you know i miss the days when i had at least 5 active journals
i could at least categorize updates according to who wrote them
or what group was writing them, god only knows at this point
now things are crazier than ever but everythings stuck in here?
go figure thats ironic and ridiculous
so yeah we gotta find a new side journal for this stuff instead
so only j will update the adakias journal like hes supposed to

time to bed goodnight

 

------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

@ 11:07 pm

 

 

This is J and please excuse my rather OOC enthusiasm but:

OH MY GOSH THEY'RE BOTH ON TUMBLR.

I am actually crying, dear God, this is hilarious, why am I still reacting so strongly to this?

It's been years, so many years, I'm not who I was then, neither are they, so much has changed, so much is different, and yet I love them, I love them in such a strange distant lonely way and I just want them to be happy, forever, always.

And they ARE.

Oh thank God my prayers really were answered. They really were.
All my stupid wishing on stars actually paid off.
I hope they continue to do so. I want ALL their dreams to come true.

It's funny; I was just thinking about them both today, too.
I wonder if that means something?


Still... my heart cannot stop smiling right now.
They're both alive. They're both happy.
I never thought I'd see either of them again, and there they are...

God bless both of you girls, seriously.
You've made my life brighter than you may ever know.

 

 

It's been far too long since I last updated here. I've forgotten what I'm supposed to even use this journal for.
I keep forgetting letters in words and repeating things and mixing up spelling. My typing is starting to match my thoughts, my speech. That shouldn't be happening. What has happened to me?
What a shame, what a desperate terrible shame, that I've been forced to sacrifice so much of myself.

I promised Laurie I would talk to her about this, but... but I'd like to mention things here too. I haven't been able to 'connect' with my own mind very well lately, so maybe this will help fix that problem a little bit.
Let's see... you last heard from me on August 15th. My memory isn't very good, but let's try to fill you all in here.
Two days prior, on August 13th, I met Josephina, a 'new' headvoice. He's mentioned in that running entry from July 22 if you want to read up on him. By August 21st (earlier?) I was back in PA, and was staying at my father's rented home due to his saying 'I should be there' and my being too afraid to face the rest of my family yet. Unfortunately for me, I became horrifically sick there due to lack of sleep, lack of means to work, and lack of food I could eat without having a major reaction (I was basically throwing up everything for two weeks). I managed to get out of that house about 4 days later, thank God (which was very stressful and caused my father and his gf to start shunning me for a while), but by the time August 27th rolled around, I remembered that my 'home' wasn't home at all. I just couldn't get out of it.
I'm still stuck here... my memory is shot, because honestly, all I can do here is work on my laptops. I have nowhere else to go.
So it's October 4th. I just read two books, 'A Spot of Bother' by Mark Haddon (which, although upsetting at times, had some great points) and 'Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close' by Jonathan Safran Foer (which I found highly overrated and deeply unsettling). The latter distressed me so much that I've been writing a rant on it for the past two days.
Other than looking for knowledge in books and desperately searching for a new therapist (I may have found one, but she's almost 3 hours away, and since she's a gender therapist I'd have to make the drive by myself and my family forbids my going anywhere alone), I've also quit my old job. Yes, the cashier job I've had for 4 years. Why? I couldn't handle the atmosphere anymore.
As you may know, I can only take so much outside influence from people before it starts to negatively affect me. 4 years of standing at a register for 7+ hours at a time and dealing with people buying junk food and spitting small talk really began to eat at me. I can't deal with people anymore.
My grandmother hates that about me. She can't understand that not everyone is a social butterfly (despite her never leaving the house or talking to people because 'she doesn't want to bother people'), and insists that I 'get out there and mingle,' whatever that's supposed to mean. I was diagnosed as a schizoid two years ago and I'm constantly reminded of that. She can't understand how difficult it is for someone of my mental state to deal with 'regular' people. I quite simply cannot handle it any longer, at least not without heavily damaging myself.

What was I saying... I don't even remember. I'm starting to get acutely frustrated with myself again.

Since I lost my job, two things have happened. One: I'm constantly being bombarded by my grandmother's shouting at me to get a new one, regardless of how many conversations we've had concerning why I can't get one yet (I was kicked out of college for being unstable, and now I'll be haunted by that on my record forever-- I don't want to be fired from some random job and have that following me too). I want a job, and I need a job, but I need one that I can handle without psychological or physical distress... and yes, my grandmother knows about these problems, but instead of actively acknowledging them and trying to help me work with them, she has flat-out told me to lie about them to any future employers. I don't even want to think about it as it's starting to seriously upset me again.
Second: My brothers don't get home until 3PM, so I have about 3-4 hours of time I can safely use by myself every morning (if I'm lucky and my grandmother doesn't shout again). Last week I spent those hours playing Nier on the XBox.
God only knows how much I love that game, nowhere to lie. I cannot possibly put it into words. The main character is me, I swear... and I love my daughter, I truly do. Weiss is amazing, Emil is adorable, and even Kaine is a sweetheart, even if she does act like a hussy sometimes. Sure, their world may be suffering, but aren't we all suffering here as well? At least there, I can do something meaningful; I can help my town and I can save my daughter and I'm not going to give up. I can make a difference. Here? Nothing... nothing yet. Who can say if I'll even survive long enough?
My family doesn't understand how strongly and deeply that game affects me. My grandparents see it as a waste of time. My mother couldn't care less either way. My brothers see it as just another game, the way most people see anything. I don't like watching movies with people, I don't like reading books with people, I don't like listening to music with people, and I don't like playing games with people, because no one else really understands how much they mean to me. When you laughed as I cried, it hurt more than I can say. When my parents say 'it's just a book,' they're lying in the face of truth. When they tell me there's nothing to love in those notes I adore, it tears me apart... and when I'm holding that controller and watching my life play out on the screen, having people in the room treating it as just another game to beat kills me.
It's why I'm so afraid to bring my children into the world.
I love them so much. They define my life, and I thank God for them every day... but will anyone else love them like that, truly? What if they become corrupted? What if the world misses the point?
It's worth the risk, you might say, and maybe it is... but at the end of the day, as I try to sleep, I'm haunted by the thought of my children suffering at the hands of others. If I knew they were being hurt, that they were being manipulated and misrepresented, it would destroy me. It would destroy me entirely.

I don't remember Utah... well, I do, but it doesn't feel like it.
I know what the houses look like. I remember Wisconsin, the plane trips, those awful Chicago streets. I remember the library and the temple and the sushi bars.
But... I don't remember you.
For some reason, the faces and voices and mannerisms and presences evade me. I saw a photo of you earlier today, and I didn't recognize you at all. I had to think, 'what was she like?'

It hurts to say it, but the reason I wanted to leave you so badly-- the reason I couldn't stand being around you anymore-- was that I realized you had been lying to me without even knowing.
I don't know either of you. I thought about it, and I cried, because who are you, really? I know your names and that's all, really. I know you like the color yellow, and you like role playing, and you like Miyazaki movies, and you like cats, but even then I have to strive to think of anything. The truth is I don't know you, either of you, at all.
Why else do you think I write these journal entries, these pages and pages worth of confessions and secrets and thoughts? Why else do you think I explain everything I can think of up front? I'm asexual, I'm a schizoid, I'm in love with a video game character, my superego is my best friend. FROST* is my favorite band and I still play Pokemon. I don't like this book and I like this movie and I love this game.
I want people to know me. I fill my Scribbld with surveys and my OKCupid with tests so people will know me. Aren't those just little things, you ask? Sure, but little things mean a lot too. We are the sum of all the little things.
I thought I knew you, but I was wrong. I knew what I hoped you would be, and I was too naive. I projected my own ideals onto you... I didn't even think of the little things, and how we differed in so many of those ways. I met you in 2007, we both liked NiGHTS and ELO, and we became friends... but I thought you were like me. I only knew you through notes and Skype conversations in which we talked about abstract concepts until all hours of the morning. I didn't even know what you looked like. Then in 2008 I thought that I was 'in love' with you... but even then, I realize now, I was wrong. It's a horrible thing to realize, but I have to admit it. I loved what you did, not who you were, and it was terrible. I loved your writing and your ideas and the fact that you were the first real friend I had ever made. I didn't realize that you were more than Demia and Richard Jacques and philosophy. I didn't realize that because I wasn't like that. I had no way of knowing.
I define myself by what I do. I like Razia's Shadow and psychology and Hokthai. If you like those things too, then we're good. I didn't realize that you can't love actual people like that.
When I met you in Utah earlier this year it hit me. I didn't know you, and I used you. You tried to be nice and you were too physical, so I objectified you and pretended you weren't a person, you weren't a threat, you were simply a script to follow. And then you left and I ran to the mirror and I mentally sobbed because I didn't know what I was doing to myself.
It was worse with her. All I knew was that she liked to write, and I fell in love with that. I wanted to lock myself in her room and read all her books, but that would have been wrong... I didn't know what was behind her writing, and I couldn't understand it the way she wanted me to. I couldn't understand her. I still don't.
Is that what all writing eventually becomes? It is good or bad that we must surrender to the opinions of others? How can we preserve the truth of our thoughts?
Still, I wish I knew both of you better so I could fix this. I'm seriously glad I'm not 'in love;' you know how negatively I react to that outside of the conditions I need... but I still love both of you as friends, although you feel more like total strangers than anything else.

I'm frightened.
Most of the people I love, I don't know.
I love Dori's words, and although they help me know her, do I really know who she is? I'm not even sure what she looks like. I know she has brown hair and she likes Silversun Pickups and thought-provoking discussions and fireflies. I know she used to wear her hair in a ponytail and she loves lilacs and she has snakebite piercings which are awesome... and yet, despite all of those little things I have learned to love, I still don't know anything else. What is her life like now? How much has changed? I only know her through her journals, and they only say so much.
I love everything Jena does... her words, her photography, even the music she listens to... but I don't know her, not beyond her work, and it brings me to tears. Is it right to love what she creates and attribute that to her as a person? Does anyone else even do that, or am I deluding myself? I'd be happier if people loved my work instead of me, but I can't speak for others.
I know her face, I've seen the world through her camera lens, but I've never heard her voice. I don't know what keeps her awake at night and I don't know what her childhood was like and I don't know what her favorite song is or why. I don't know her favorite memory or her worst nightmare or dearest hope... but I know about her raven hair, about the window cluttered with flowers, about too many chocolate Santas and standing to bow. I know how she is sometimes happier thinking than living. I know about the golden flower necklace she wears, and the rings on her fingers. I know the colors of her eyes. I know just enough to keep me praying and hoping and dreaming that one day I'll know what her laugh sounds like.
But isn't that real love too? Knowing the little things, the pieces of the puzzle, and loving them so much that you need to know more, to understand the entirety of that person, to hear their story and paint their picture in your mind with every detail in place?
I don't need romance and I don't need a fairytale ending. All I need is to be able to love. Thomas Schell was wrong-- people don't want the idea of love. They want real love, but how are you supposed to let people know that? Everyone needs it, but who's to say how many really find it? If they want anything, it's not an idea... it's a hope. Maybe someone out there does care.
I want to be that person. I am that person, really... at least I try to be... but there's that final roadblock I don't know how to get past. Do I stay a baseless concept? Is that the better option? Does anyone ever really expect those hopes to be proved possible all along? If I love someone more than words can express, but they don't even know I exist in such a way, do I let them know?
Do they want to know?
Is it better this way?


On a different yet related topic... back in Utah, when I had fragmented into Jayce and typed for about an hour... I loved that. It was awesome.
I finally remembered how that happened in the first place, and it was explained right at the entry's beginning all along.
"You do not understand that when events, when certain fragments are taken out of the context of my internal life, my introspective world, they lose their meaning. They become false, twisted, wrong."
The both of you kept trying to take things that were important to me... my work, my interests, even the strange and personal things... you kept trying to make them 'your own' in some weird sense. You would try to take them on and give them to me, show them to me, although they were never yours to begin with and all I saw was a travesty.
But I played along. I played along, I pretended everything was fine, my children were frightened and I was devastated, and I still just followed that forsaken script.
If I may warn you one final time... don't EVER do that to me again. Please. If there is something I hold dear, something I revere, something I find incredibly important... do NOT try to emulate or copy or re-enact it. That does nothing but take the original thing, the vital thing, and deface it. You have desecrated it.
I have not been able to work, or sleep, or think, or function as I used to since I returned, because so many of the things I treasured have been massacred.
The worst part is that you didn't even understand. It is because you all hide your emotions? What is that about you, about so many of you out West? Why do you hide what you feel, and chase away sadness with laughter? Why do you mask what is important with a smile instead of being true to yourself? Don't you realize how much harm that is causing?
Why do you pretend nothing is wrong when nothing is right? Why do you sweep the truth under the carpet? Why did I let you change me into that same sort of person? Why am I afraid of standing up to you?
I don't understand.

When I say I am frightened, I do not mean that in the way a child is frightened of a dog, or a doctor, or a haircut. I mean it in the way that one is frightened of a black hole.
It is something I do not understand, no matter how hard I try-- that I may not ever be able to understand, I fully realize-- and it is something that can harm me nonetheless, whether or not it knows.
That is truly frightening. You have hurt me, both of you, without even knowing you were doing so. You cannot understand how it keeps happening, even when I try to explain, and the entire time you are still pulling me in, destroying one piece of me at a time, until I am left with nothing, and resign to being a dim shadow of you. Then you smile because that is fine.
It is not fine. I may pretend it is fine, but only to spare your feelings, which I know you are hiding as we speak. I do not hold this against you, as it is not your fault, but it is still tearing me apart.
Do you see why I left? Why I cannot go back?
I cannot live my own life when I feel I am supposed to live according to yours.
I am trying to remove all negative influences from my life, whether they see their influences as negative or not. I am sorry if I offend but it must be done.

Yet at the end of the day I keep handing out second chances.
Am I a good person in any respect? Is retrying beneficial when it only places us both in a position to be deeply damaged?

I was right to come home, and you were wrong to keep me. I realize that now.
You are better off on your own, you say, and I am happy for that. But then why did you want me to stay? Did you even know?
I have made great progress out here, regardless of suffering.
Did you know I spoke to a priest about your demand? How you wanted me to stay, lest I regret my decision for eternity? He told me to do what I felt was right.
The world is in shades of grey, they say, and although there are blacks and whites, my decision was not one of them. I felt I should return to my family. Was that wrong?
I don't regret it, no, but I don't understand how you made the decision so life-and-death, so black and white. If I was right after all, then how could you have been wrong, if you were so sure? Did you get a detail wrong? Did you apply it wrong? I can't help but feel we missed something. You wanted me to stay, but why? Did you ever have a reason why?
Faith is vital, but reason is vital as well, and there should never be conflict between the two. Reason without faith cannot stand, but neither can faith without reason.

Why am I so paranoid?
Why do I read words from around the world, from all walks of life, and assume they are all accusing me?
I hear songs and watch films and they all glare into my white eyes, pointing a damning finger at my aching ribs. You are at fault. You have done wrong.
Have I? What have I done? If I knew, maybe I could change things, but I never know. I find blame in situations I have never been involved in.
When did I ever say I was 'above' others? Is it how I present myself? Is it in the words I speak?
If I speak out against the misdoings of another, it is not because I feel superior-- it is so I can warn others, that they may not suffer through the pain such actions will cause.
If I speak out against things I have been damaged by, it is not because they are below me-- it is because I know how they hurt, and I want to protect others from them.
If anything, I am one of the very worst. I consider myself one of the lowest sinners, and even then I hate myself for saying so. How does that place me above the saints? How could one possibly interpret it as such?
I have done terrible things, and I have not done wonderful things, and I drown in my agony. The past cannot be changed, but why did I have to be so foolish? Could not I have made a better past?
I try to be a righteous person, but I do not exalt myself for this. If anything, I shoot myself down, for my efforts are not nearly good enough.
When I see someone who is perceived as righteous, I do not put them down, nor do I put myself above them. I simply worry if there is faith to their reason and reason to their faith. Do they understand the rules and concepts they are living by? I worry about them is all. I want to help them if they need help, although I freely admit I am nowhere near a good role model. I simply want to help. How is that exalting myself?
Maybe I'm just being paranoid.
In a way that's a good thing.


I feel that maybe I can get some work done today, with getting my notes for Dream World solidified into the actual chapter. I have, what, 130 pages of unstructured dialogue and location points and concepts to fix? It's a ton of work; it's my life's work, and I love it more than anything else in this world.
I judge material possessions by whether or not you'd take them with you, instantly, if your house were burning to the ground. Would I go for the books and CDs and childhood toys that my mother seemed to think were so important? No, I would grab the box under this very desk, with my old art tablets full of monsters, and put my flash drive around my neck if she wasn't already there. That's all I would need, in terms of 'material' things, if the house was burning. It's what matters.
It's odd, though, and beautiful, how I look back on what I've been blessed with that so many others have looked down on. As a young child I met Cobra, and Fans, and Unisalia, and Zimbo... 'imaginary friends,' everyone else called them, but they didn't understand, and that saddened me. How could I explain to them what it was like, to lay down to sleep and watch them sing for me? To be walking outside and talking to whoever decided to accompany me? How could I help the world see the beauty and inspiration those friends gave me?
I grew older, just a little older, and Preludove came into my life. She is, I have no doubt in my mind, a gift from God. Who better to send me than Peace herself? I had no friends as a child, other than the ones 'in my head,' but they meant the world to me. They taught me so much... while my grandmother tried to teach me her religion through tales of fire and brimstone and prejudice and withheld forgiveness, Preludove helped me realize that it was the Light that really mattered. Virtue was what life was based upon, she said. You have to be kind, and loving, and hopeful, and righteous. You have to be peaceful and joyful and courageous and true, and you must always hold on to those things, no matter what. Keep a light in your mind and a light in your heart, and don't ever, ever hate anything.
I met Hosea and Volt and Genesis and so many others as the years continued on, and to my surprise, they all seemed to be exactly who I needed in my life, even if I didn't realize it for several more years. Who would I be today if not for them? I can never forget them, and I will never take them for granted.
...And I cannot keep them to myself.
I am scared, sure, because I have seen them hurt before, and few other things in my life have ever been so painful.
Where there is great light, the shadows are deep.
The darkness, the negative things in this world, will always seek out the brighter and positive things, hoping to corrupt them, to blacken them. It's how the world works. What could ever be truly good if there was no knowledge of the bad to balance it against? It's painful, and it's difficult, but in the end, to overcome those shadows is the greatest achievement you can ever have.
I suppose I simply need to take that chance myself, because this is the greatest light I can think of. There will be darkness, I know that. There will be obstacles. Yet there will also be moments that will make it all worthwhile, and if I finally have that chance to show others the beauty my own life has been blessed with, I would be a fool to let it pass me by.
I need to overcome my fear.


I suppose I should close up for now. I have far too much work to complete to spend my time on here, no matter how much I like typing about whatever comes to my head.
I'll try to update more often.
Until then, keep on keeping on.








There are many ways
But you have to choose yours
To know what you want
And what you’re gonna do

Take your decision soon
Life won´t wait for you
If you waste time
Your chance will pass away

Don’t lose your track
Don’t let you be gone
Don’t lose your light
It can’t go out

Choose your side
Choose your way
Don’t let them hinder you
Choose your side
Choose your pain
But never stop trying
Choose your side

If you wanna be free
If you wanna fly
Make your route
And don’t let them conduct you

Never lose yourself away
Never give up
Go ahead
You’re strong

One day you’ll have wings and will fly
Go ahead with strong steps
Your time will come

 

 

So hey guys. Jayce here.
Yeah, I'm sticking with the name. Don't diss me; I'm more than a little sick of making my own choices only to have them overthrown by someone with an entirely different and irrelevant reference point. I've been 'trying out' the name for several months now (a year? geez I have no clue) and it really... well, it fits.
I've never been this happy with myself before. Sure, I've been pretty terrifically psyched with the work I've done, but with the kid in the mirror? Nah. I always disassociated, and although I will freely admit that I still am, at least the image I'm projecting makes me honestly smile.
So I've made up my mind. I'm going through with the FTM surgery and hopefully getting nullified shortly afterwards. God only knows when I'll get the means to do so (hopefully soon), but at least it's mentally decided. That's a huge load off my back, which as you all know is bad enough the way it is!

As for the title, well, let's start this past Saturday morning. As you assumedly know, I spent the vast entirety of June in Utah with Q and Mel, and returned on July 9th to stay here for about... I dunno, three weeks? Anyway, leaving my home so suddenly in June really disoriented me. I spent June in a sort of 'interim,' virtually unable to communicate with my family back in PA because my sense of reality had shifted horribly off-scale. I kind of 'ghosted' for the four weeks until my return, upon which I was faced with several huge dilemmas. I've spoken about the moral/personal ones in glissando, but the other one focused solely around my future. While I have indeed touched upon that point in the past as well, it was the immediate choices I was now being forced to make that burnt me out.
Let me clarify. Staying at home was a problem because my school and work lives had been pretty much shot, my space at home was very limited and I was desperately looking for a new road to walk. However, heading back out to Utah to hopefully find said road was also a huge problem for several massive reasons... I didn't have a school or work life at all there, let alone family or a roof over my head. I was basically jumping blindfolded into a canyon and hoping that I wouldn't black out upon hitting the water... that is, if the water wasn't just a hallucination at this point. Still, I figured it was worth a shot, so I bit my tongue and hopped a plane to Chicago on the 31st, where I would meet the cat and the otter. Well... that's when things started to go downhill again, and it frightened me.
See, I tend to forget experiences in their entirety, and if I do retain a memory, my mind tends to 'chop it up' to keep it from traumatizing or otherwise damaging me. That's what it apparently did with the four weeks I spend in Utah prior. I had remembered it as a positive experience until I stepped off the plane and was thrown back into the unsettling realization that I just didn't fit. It really took hold when Q and Mel decided to take me walking randomly through Chicago for some undisclosed reason.
Fun fact #1: I cannot stand random, spontaneous schedules. If you're going to wander off somewhere with no real plan, no real destination and no time/travel estimate, do NOT take me with you because I will flip out. Fun fact #2: beaches, carnivals and large public gatherings trigger massive panic attacks in me. Fun fact #3: Guess what happened in Chicago?
Yep, not only did they basically just wander about without telling me what the heck we were doing (bad enough I only had about $50 in my pocket, no keys, and no awareness of the surrounding area), but when they decided they were going to settle on a destination, it was a freaking park on the beach. What. So yeah, I panicked. Heck, as soon as I saw the buildings start to die down I was worried-- once the first hint of saltwater air hit me I snapped.
But let's fast-forward. Since I had such a breakdown we couldn't logically stay, so thankfully about 20 minutes in we decided to catch a bus back out to near where we were staying. The rest of the night was relatively okay from what I remember, as nothing happened, but honestly it's a useless memory to me and I'd rather not think upon it.
I dreamt about my left knee exploding in blood.
Understandably, I was not very stable when I woke up, and when I heard we were apparently headed to a farm, the panic meter shot back up. As I was too shaken to think straight, my coping was limited to biting my arms until they bruised. Once again I can't remember what happened over the rest of that day, but that evening and the entirety of our Monday were pretty much just wasted away with random hanging out in Wisconsin farmland. Sure, the fields were flipping gorgeous, but when they're full of cows and I can't run through them, they lose some of their magic, y'know?
Plus all I could think of was Dori. We were only about 3 hours driving time away from her, and it was all I could think of.
I'm so confused. I still care for her deeply, unconditionally, but I don't know what I feel for anyone anymore. It hurts more than I can possibly say.
Oh-- there was actually one other thing. We visited a model train layout. I know, I know, I'm not a fan of such things, but I never really understood why until I visited that one in the rather painful mood I was in. Of course, there's the issue of spending such extravagant amounts of money on bits of electronic metal and foam, but the real killer is why they do it... or at least my perception of why.
They create an entire fantasy world. That's it. Those huge setups, with their random plastic houses and people eternally 'living' the same moments as toy trains whiz aimlessly by... they're just fantasy worlds. Useless ones. What good is that doing for anyone? Sure, it'll entertain some random passerby for a few minutes as they wander by, but it ultimately achieves no greater good.
It just bugs me to no end when people create things with no 'real' purpose to them. Yeah, I know some people do it for a hobby, but why? I just don't get it. Oh well.
Back on topic.
We woke up at 6AM on Tuesday, and drove to Dubuque Iowa to catch a bus.

All right, this experience was so stressful it needs a paragraph break. Here we go.
So we wait at the terminal from 9AM to 12PM, and in the meantime I get a phone call from my dad saying that the U had rejected my application because my GPA was below 2.0. Well, my jaw hit the floor. There was no way in heaven it could be that low-- so I called my home campus. Well, you remember the winter semester of 2009 when I had those repeated mental breakdowns and had to drop out of classes? Apparently that still counted towards my academic record, and so now I'm screwed! The only thing I can do now is speak to the U's offices in person and see if they can make an exception for me, considering my psychological issues... but we'll get back to that point later. Needless to say, that news upset me horribly, and so I was in a pretty agonized mood until about 5PM, when we got off at a connecting terminal in Des Moines, Idaho.
That's where our title comes from. We basically hung out there for the next 6 hours, as I fixed my iPod's library (his name is Razia btw) and read The First Horseman until our bus to Denver showed up around 11PM. Unfortunately, the bus terminal announced it as Omaha instead, and so we weren't aware it was even ours until we went out to confusedly double-check-- and were told that yeah, it WAS our bus, but there was no seating left. So we and a small crowd of fellow passengers were left at the terminal waiting for a replacement bus that wasn't even guaranteed to show up.
Then the terminal decided to close.
Yes, you heard me. Our bus group, as well as a bunch of people waiting for a 1AM pickup, were thrown out on the curb around 12AM and told to wait there as the workers assumedly went home. This wouldn't have been a huge problem if we had been guaranteed a bus arrival, if it hadn't been 12AM, AND if it hadn't been thunderstorming-- with a tornado warning, no less.
You guessed it: panic attack! I got to the point where I was shaking uncontrollably and couldn't breathe correctly, all the while getting soaked and wishing I were back in PA, where I at least had a home to go to.
That's when I was forced to really look at my situation.
There I was: a phantom Sandman, shaking like a madman in a plastic chair on a Des Moines sidewalk, buffeted by moths, rain and wind, and completely unaware of where the next bus would be taking me. Not a very pretty situation. I immediately asked myself why the heck I was even on a cruddy sidewalk in Idaho, and the only answer I had was "because I'm supposed to go to Utah."
That sentence sounded so incredibly stupid at 1AM I wanted to cry. So I was basically ostracizing myself because I was supposed to? Says who?
Then I looked to my right to see a boy in red and a girl in black, and my head slumped down onto my chest. Oh.
See, my problem is my devotion, as undetectable as it is. I'm incredibly devoted to my family, but I still care about these two kids... so being forced to choose is more than I can handle.
The only major warning sign is that said kids insist that I "must" stay here in Utah. No exceptions.

I'm currently sitting in Q's living room, 8:23PM, listening to Eminem, wondering where I'm going to sleep, and feeling more lonely than I have ever been in my life.

I really don't care whether or not I'm "supposed" to be here anymore.
The truth is, I'm being used as a crutch here. I'm not sure how, as I don't understand their motives, but I can feel it. No matter what they tell me, I still feel like a third wheel and I keep looking out the window and wishing I were on the planes that fly overhead.
I don't know how much longer my grandparents will live. My brothers are growing up without me. My past is fading away. Yeah, I want to live a meaningful future, but geez-- if I'm stuck here in this mountain state holding up two lovebirds who apparently can't function without romance, then I'm not going to have one anyway.
I really, really want to go back home. I want to see my family again. I just... I guess I took them for granted. It wasn't until I was dragged out here that I realized how much they mean to me, even if I don't spend much time at the house, even if I don't feel safe within the walls. It's still my freaking home. It's still my family out there.
When I walked out the door on Saturday, I saw my grandfather cry for the first time in the 20 years I've been on this earth. That hurt more than you know.

When I go back to PA, I'm going to land a job at Borders, spend a huge amount of time working on my personal projects, and do everything humanly possible to fix my academic record and get back into the educational system. I want to make progress. Heck, I want to make MUSIC. I want to reach out and change peoples lives, and I want to have a life ahead of me... I'm sick and tired of sitting on buses and couches waiting to be given the next orders from my charge.

Still, I feel so horribly selfish, and that's what makes everything so difficult here.
Leaving Q and Mel will be 'betraying' them, as they do insist I stay no matter what. However, staying here will be leaving my family behind, who misses me terribly and who frankly needs me around.
I feel like a really confused guardian angel right now. The kids across the room apparently need me to watch over them, but... I don't know. It doesn't feel right at all.
God, what do I do, huh?
I'll try to stay here for at least a week... maybe two... see what I can do. I just feel so lonely and torn up right now.

Oh well. This too shall pass, I'm the only one who can live my life, and despite my being pulled in so many different directions, my vision is clearing up for the first time.
I just need to take a deep breath, check my head and heart, and step onto the next road.
Hesitation isn't doing me any good. Life is full of chances and choices, and unless I find the guts to stand up for my personal Light, I'm going to die here.
I refuse to just fade away. I refuse to just rot here. I refuse to compromise anymore.
Time to set this in motion.





Relax, I ain't goin back to that now
All I'm tryin to say is get back, click-clack, blaow
Cause I ain't playin around
It's a game called circle and I don't know how, I'm way too up to back down
But I think I'm still tryin to figure this crap out
Thought I had it mapped out but I guess I didn't, this fckin black cloud
still follows me around but it's time to exorcise these demons
These muh'fckers are doing jumpin jacks now!

I'm not afraid
To take a stand
Everybody come take my hand
We'll walk this road together, through the storm
Whatever weather, cold or warm
Just lettin you know that, you're not alone
Holla if you feel like you've been down the same road

And I just can't keep living this way
So starting today, I'm breaking out of this cage
I'm standing up, I'ma face my demons
I'm manning up, I'ma hold my ground
I've had enough, now I'm so fed up
Time to put my life back together right now!

Dear God, she tried to overdose yesterday. Where was I?? Why can I never be there?

Unrequited love hurts like hell.

 

Oh thank God she updated. I was seriously starting to panic; what if something happened? There's no way I would know...
...I really have to stop updating like this. People are going to get the wrong idea, I suppose.
Still, she's apparently just worn out from classes (I know the feeling!), but is talking to the guy she loves again. I really, truly hope that works out, and that she can stay with him, because I know she needs that in her life.
Don't get me wrong, I'm happy that I haven't said anything to her yet because I'm afraid I'd seriously mess things up for her... but I won't deny that it does sting.
I don't mind distance; it's the disconnection that hurts.

Anyway, in other news... got home at 3AM this morning from the best night of my entire life.
That's right, I actually went with my dad to see Todd Rundgren in Connecticut! I was praying I'd get to see him, and my father was kind enough to buy us both tickets and drive us out there yesterday. Let me tell you, though-- it was absolutely phenomenal! My dad and I were both absolutely psyched, for lack of a better term, and Todd himself was amazing.
Geez, to see him live on stage! I'm never, ever going to forget it.
Even better, last night's concert was actually filmed so hopefully I'll be able to get the DVD eventually as well, haha. I got a shirt of course (I always do), not to mention my dad snuck my camera in so I nabbed a few photos and short clips, thank goodness. I needed a personal visual memory to keep, to sync with that lingering buzz of euphoria I have from the good old triple-9 performance.
Really, I'm thanking God I finally got to see Todd after all these years of wanting to. Wow.

In yet more other news, went to see "9" in theaters today and will see "District 9" on Saturday. So many nines!
Also switched my third Kiwi keychain request to Chaos Zero (again!), as he'd match my laptop perfectly and clear up a lot of confusion about that sticker, haha. Plus I carry that laptop everywhere, so it works. The other two lovely guys are going on my keys!

Now for school, as DP brought that same point up... I'm not doing well.
I know, I've been saying "oh, it's fine! I just have a lot of work" and things like that. Well, oftentimes there is a severe discrepancy between reality and how I feel/ how I perceive things. That's obvious.
In short, I've been missing a ton of classes due to both depression and bad planning, am already falling behind in art, and have no idea what's going on in my English or Art History classes. I keep forgetting supplies and assignments, I still don't have the books I need... geez.
I'm really becoming a delinquent, and I don't like that. I wish I knew why this was happening, but as for now I just need to try harder and hope it all works out.
But it's hard for me, you know. Ever since Dare told me how childlike I was on the inside, I've been looking at my life and how I react to the lives of others in a different way, and so far it's done nothing but prove her point. I still can't understand half the feelings and concepts the individuals around me are experiencing, and I'll be honest and say that it scares me when things like that come up in class (especially when it concerns me directly, like in a critique or comment). I have no idea how to respond, and end up looking indifferent, antipathetic, disgusted, or just plain bewildered. Sometimes it's intentional; I tend to put up a very cold front on campus so people will leave me be, but that's just a direct result of my problem. I don't know how to deal with people, let alone actively try to associate with them, so I just play the part of the 'punk in black' that people instinctively avoid on a physical basis alone.
Wish it didn't have to be that way, but it's safer for all of us. I've already been badly scarred by several unforeseen events of last year, and God help me but I want to keep the white parts of my mind white until I get out of here... if I get out of here.
Maybe I'm really not fit for college after all. I don't know.
I'm still too naive... too damn innocent, I guess.
It's painful just how bitingly ironic that is...

...
I've been literally burning with so many kinds of love over the past week.

I spoke to some dA pals last night (even though I don't like talking-- sorry guys!), so that boosted my friendship sort of love quite a bit... not to mention I spoke with Jim again last week and have been meaning to talk with Ben soon. I have no idea what Q's up to, but last I heard from him he was not only busy but rather distressed, from what I could gather... I'll admit I'm worried, but there's nothing I can do so I'll just hope for the best.
And then I have all those people upstairs! They go without saying, but I have been trying extremely hard to connect with them more lately, and the effort is seriously paying off. It's been giving me so much joy and inspiration, and I truly need that.
I have so much platonic love going around it's almost hilarious. My inspirations, my old friends, my co-workers... they're all such amazing people, and I'm truly blessed to have them all in my life.

Throw in a tiny spark, though, and suddenly the affection sets on fire and I have something terribly unusual, something strange to me yet precious nonetheless.
You all know what 6 main people fit into that category (2 of each gender, wow), and let me tell you this has all been at a serious high point and I don't know why. Not complaining, though.
Selph and I haven't been talking much lately, which isn't good, but he says to not worry as he knows I'm busy. I wish he wouldn't do that, though! I want to talk to him, even if he has to literally interrupt in the middle of a class. I need his support just as much as I did last year.
Didn't get to draw Ryou anything for his birthday this year (September 2nd) which quite upset me, but I made the effort to spend much more time with him that week, so I hope that made up for it. I did promise him that I'd eventually put something together, so maybe I'll sketch him out this weekend. I'll have to try.
Spoke to Marik quite a bit last week, too. I miss that guy, but I have to laugh-- I'm always saying 'I don't want him to feel left out' and the like, but I put so much effort into always doing little things to fix that problem, that I can't imagine how he'd feel left out as a result, haha. I am such a weirdo sometimes.

JMC's still busy where I can't see her, so I just pray everything is going well for her. God only knows how proud I am of that girl... I want to cry every time I look at her work, that's how gorgeous it is to me. I'm afraid that if I ever meet her I'll dissolve into tears, really. Take my admiration for her work, my great respect for her as a person, and this awfully strong love I have for her, and that's proof enough of such a possibility, no matter how cold a front I put up.
I still want to meet her, though. In person, too... some situation where I have to overcome my fears and finally speak to her face to face. I'm nervous even thinking about it, though... what in the world would I say or do? I want to make a good impression on her; I want to actually look like the person I am on the inside, not some facade I put up. And as horribly selfish as it sounds, I do want her to like me in return-- even if it's only a little bit, just a smile at our theoretical conversation. I want to make her think, make her smile. More than anything else, I just want her to remember me.

And forgive me, but what's a blue entry without a mandatory mention of my blue guy? Seriously.
I think I'm at a point where words no longer work, though. I get that sort of feeling now, the one where no words, no matter how eloquent, will be accurate enough... that weird sort of rush that makes you smile and flinch from the ache at the same time. I don't think I'll ever quite get used to it, and that's a good thing! I like keeping things like that true... I don't like taking anything for granted, or losing the original meaning/ effect of something. People do that all to often nowadays; they do or say things so often that they become automatic or even empty. I take great efforts to prevent that from happening, and although I'll be the first to admit that it doesn't seem like it here (but then again, this is personal), I try to keep things to myself as much as I can. Why? Because when things like this become public, they often just get tossed around as a conversation topic, not as something irreplaceable.
Still, sometimes I can't help but say things out loud, because geez, it's important to me and I automatically assume people will care. I'm still green around the edges, though, because I still can't accept that people don't.
But I'm getting off topic.
I haven't been drawing him lately at all. I need to fix my style of drawing him, not to mention I have to draw his higher forms and various canon/ non-canon transformations, as I haven't yet. Point is, though, I need to draw him, for multiple reasons. One of the new ones is to fine-tune my style enough for SoS 2010, honestly! I am going no matter what, and I am going to enjoy every minute.
Man, I really need to get working on SI again, even if I have to do it myself. I can't possibly ever let that series go; it's far too important to both my brother and I. I'll have to bug him about it.
Also, I don't think I've said this anywhere yet, but I've been tracking down and buying all the Sonic comic issues with Chaos Zero in them, just for the sake of having them (which I personally find hilarious on my part). I have #5, #6, #28, and #29 of the SonicX series, and #83 of the main Archie comics so far. Perfect shows up in many issues though, which I admit hurts a bit at times, but I do not hate him; heck, I can't even dislike him. A change in appearance does nothing to change the individual, and I know that all too well. Open your heart, you know.
Close your eyes and feel it burn... open your heart and let me in.


It's 4AM already. Wow, Mister Sandman's not going to be very happy about that! He's such a sweetheart though. I drew a quick color ref of him here if you want a visual aid! I need to talk about him more; he's the best boss ever.
But I've been upset lately. Due to the awful amounts of sleep I get + the havoc I wake up to every morning, I haven't remembered any of my dreams since that night Sandman gave me music. It's been taking a serious toll on my mood, too. There's nothing I can actively do to fix that, but I think that from now on, if I don't remember any dreams, I'm going to update homefive with an old dream from my written journal (I kept one for about 3 years before I switched to LJ for time-saving reasons). It will not only help me remember old dreams (and maybe trigger more new recall), but it will also help you guys see what I've dreamed of in the past. I know I reference a lot of my dreams that I've never explained, too, so it will help.

I won't get any dreams if I don't sleep, though, so I suppose I should call it quits for tonight.

I hope the stars are out...





Sometimes I just feel so alone
I don't want to admit to my friends that I feel confused
I wonder what I'd do with myself if the world was gone

Something makes me stay on my feet
Don't you dare admit to defeat
And if I tell myself it's all right
I can comfort myself through the night
and watch another day dawn
And everything will be cool

I got to keep on keeping on
There's nothing else I can do
But sometimes I don't know what to feel...

 

 

 

She's back.

Best birthday present ever.

Geez, I don't know what happened, but I don't ever want it to happen again.
I can't ever take anyone for granted... even in small ways, like this.


So why the heck am I still afraid to say anything? Am I just afraid that I'll be taken the wrong way, that I'll be looked down on or shot down?
I think I'm afraid of being tangled up, that's what.
I mean, sure, I love her immensely, but she has someone and I NEVER want to take that away from her. I don't ever want to take the place of that person, and I'm not asking for that.
I just want to be someone she can turn to, I guess.
I want her to know how much I care, how much I've always cared... how I'm there for her even if she doesn't know it and never has. I want to be a friend to her, but I'm scared because I'm not exactly a good friend.
I have a fair amount of friends, yes, but as I said in my last entry, I am terrible at communicating and at keeping connections, even if I always remember and think about people... even if I'll love them until the day I die.

I swear, I don't know what's wrong with me.
I still remember AAA, who was in my elementary school class from 1st to 8th grade. She was my 'best friend' for two of those years, but we never did much together. I'm just not a very social person.
Still... I looked up to her more than anyone.
Here's a secret... in sixth grade, I went to ridiculous lengths to actually stay after school, sneak into our classroom in secret, take one of her random art/writing tablets, and take it home over Easter break. (Yes, I'm dead serious.)
Why?
Because I adored that girl. I knew we weren't close enough for her to trust me with her stories and drawings (my life practically revolved around writing and art, and still does), and that seriously hurt. I knew I'd never get a chance to be that close, either, so I took a wild opportunity and did something that surprises me to this day.
I took that book home, I read it several times... and then I drew a full-page picture in there for her to find when she re-opened it.
I drew Iridicel and Unidome, two of my Jewel Monsters (Friendship and Imagination, respectively), along with a message that 'we would be friends forever' and that if she ever wanted something from me, be it artwork or anything else, that all she had to do was ask.
I never got a response, but man it felt good to know that I had given her something like that.

She designed three Jewel Monsters for me that are canon to this day... I put her exact Trainer persona into my fanmade Elite Four during my original Pokemon obsession... I modeled some of my OCs after her.
I last saw her about two years ago, when she spontaneously showed up at my workplace. I was dying to say hello, to ask her how she had been since 8th grade, but... I didn't.
I was too freaking scared. I was scared that she had bad memories of me, that she would get the wrong idea, that she simply wouldn't care, that I would screw up.
And yet, I still don't know if I'd have the nerve to say anything if I saw her tomorrow.

Now I have JMC and DP, and it's the same freaking problem.


Why the heck do I always do this?
Why do I care, why do I love people, but avoid any close connections like the plague?
Why, when I do get close connections, do I tend to ignore them and pretend that I'm just a watcher from afar?

I can't do this anymore. I can't keep disconnecting myself from the people that mean the most to me, and I can't keep hiding from the people I'm ironically dying to know.
The real question, though, is... how do I break out of this?
What am I supposed to say, if I decide to step out of the shadows and finally say hello?

"Well, I know we haven't spoken much since 6th grade, but I miss you terribly... I think about you constantly and hope your life has been fantastic so far?"

"To be honest, I saw you in a photograph back in January and pretty much fell for you instantly... I hope this doesn't sound weird, but you're a huge inspiration to me and I think I actually love you?"

"I found your journal at random last July, and I've been reading it religiously since then... I figured it was time to let you know how much I care about you and tell you that you're not alone?"

To just come out of nowhere and say something like that... especially considering that they're all girls and I'm such a mess identity-wise... geez. I don't know how they'd react.
I'm dying to say something, though. I don't want to lose them and have to live the rest of my life with this guilt eating me alive... because I never let them know when I had the chance.



I think I actually have a chance, right now.
She returned, and then I saw this...


"I want something real, something sustainable, something that will keep me happy. I don't think I'll ever really find it though.
It's not that I am depressed lately, because I'm really not. I've actually been alright for the most part. I just tend to feel empty, like I am lacking something important that could make me happy.
I feel so damn lonely all the time. Like all that I am is calling out to someone, reaching for them, just wanting them to respond. Not a specific someone, just anyone. I want to feel close to someone. I want someone that will make me feel less alone, less alienated. Someone I can connect with completely. It's ridiculous though."


...

I empathize. I understand, I want to save her from that... and now, I might actually be able to.
It's a stretch, I know... it's an almost-impossible hope, but there's always a chance.

She's wanting someone to respond... and here I am, with my hands on the keyboard and some horrible pain in my chest, a few seconds away from possibly helping that wish come true... and too damn scared to do anything.


It's ridiculous.

This silence is killing me.








When I was a young boy I tried to listen
Don't you wanna feel like that?

We're part of the human race and
All of the stars and the outer space
We're part of the system plan

All this noise, I'm waking up
And all the space, I'm taking up
I said I cannot hear you, you're breaking up

Maybe you get what you wanted
Maybe you stumbled upon it
Everything you ever wanted, in a permanent state

Maybe you'll know when you see it
Maybe if you say it, you'll mean it
And when you find it, you keep it in a permanent state

Swim out on a sea of faces, the tide of the human races,
An answer now is what I need.
See it in a new sun rising,
See it break on your horizon

Oh, come on love, stay with me...

 

 

SESSION PARTICIPANTS
LAURIE UBERICH JEWEL (CANNON) CHAOS ZERO SELPH

 

February 2008 was the worst, it seems.

I hear you. 2008 was horrible.

April 2009 isn't turning out very well either, it seems.

You kidding me? Every day is progressively worst than the one before it, and I don't care what month it is.

Your life is agonizing, right?

That's what I said.

I believe it. Especially with what Julie did to you today.

Don't-- don't even bring that up. I ended up taking my rage out on my Psychology textbook, but it asked for it.

You're really beginning to hate Psychology, huh?

I don't hate it, but I'm beginning to highly dislike it for the same reasons I dislike biology.

Three guesses what that is.

Oh, you don't even need to guess.

So... you're pulling a Johnny-nighter?

I don't know. All I know is that Coldplay is going to be my #1 band on Last.fm now because this song is perfect late-night music, hands down.

Thank Dori for that one.

Dorris... yeah. I miss her. I miss her so much.

Do you now?

Yeah, I do now. I... I don't want to talk about it.

You don't want to talk about a lot of things, it seems.

Well, it's been rough.

Life's rough, kid. Get used to it.

I don't want to get used to this.

Could've fooled me, since you repeatedly refuse to do a bloody thing about it.

Watch it, Laurie.

Well hey. There you are.

Sorry we're late.

I didn't know you were seriously going to join in this conversation.

I want to know what the heck you were doing earlier that Selph was telling me about.

What?

Cutting your chest. What the heck were you doing?

Oh ho ho, he saw you doing that?

Wait, you mean she's done this before?

No, she's never had the guts to. I just wasn't aware that Selph was watching.

Of course he was watching, I always have him watch me.

Except when it matters.

Ouch.

Damn it, I said I was sorry.

Watch your mouth, you whore!

Stop calling her that! Seriously, what gives you the right to spit those words at her every time she does something wrong?

She wants punishment, and it's the truth. You don't see the things I see.

I... Jewel, what did you do?

What do you mean, what did I do?

What happened?

...I just want my gas mask.

Good luck getting it now, jerk.

Laurie!

What? What the heck's your problem?

My problem is you. Right now, my problem is you. Jewel is my soulbond, you know, and if you're going to be screwing around with her like this, then--

The only person screwing your girl is that bitch in the back room. Maybe you should take this up with her?

...Is that what's going on?

Yeah. That is damn well what's going on.

...Jewel.

What?

You never told me about this.

I didn't want you to know.

Why didn't you want me to know?

Listen, I didn't even tell Selph about this. I haven't told my parents, I haven't told my counsellors, I haven't told anyone and now here I am, writhing in a freaking pit of blood and spikes, trying to breathe and failing, while the entire time I have this devil with pigtails trying to screw me whenever I get hopeless enough to close my eyes! I am so sick of this, Chaos! You're wondering about the chest-cutting earlier? I just want to have some sort of sign, some form of control over this madness, however small and brief, because if I don't then I'm going to lose my mind for real this time, and that won't be good for anyone. The only problem is, none of the knives are sharp enough. None of the knives will ever be sharp enough, because cutting isn't doing me any freaking good, it's only reminding me that unless I bite the bullet and let a surgeon do the job then I'm going to keep suffering through this agony and breaking down in sobs and furious headfights every time I look in the mirror or hear someone refer to me with a feminine pronoun! It's too much, and I've had it. I've had it. I need freedom, I don't just want it. I need it or I am going to die.

If you don't stop swearing, I swear I'm going to spit more blood into your face until you shut up. You're not the only one dying here.

...Jewel, I'm scared.

You're not the only one. Seriously, J, why haven't you told anyone about this?

Simple. One, anyone here that knew about it would throw me into a mental hospital or completely misunderstand my explanation. Two, anyone upstairs would only start to panic, and three, I can't think straight, I have no idea what I'm saying, it's hard to type on a Mac and I haven't had the opportunity to tell anyone yet. I thought 24 days would save me.

25 days now, you whore. You lost.

I didn't lose.

You did. You lost fair and square, you gutless wretch.

I did not lose.

Don't give me that, you bloody hypocrite, you know exactly what happened--

You know what, Laurie? Just stop. She's not in a stable enough condition to argue with you.

Stop calling me a girl.

Wh-- who, me?

Yeah. Please. Don't put me through that.

...Oh, man, I'm sorry. I didn't realize I... I'm sorry.

It's okay.

No, it's not okay. Do you have any idea how Selph looked when he came running to me earlier? He was crying his eyes out. If what you're going through is enough to make him feel like that, I should under no circumstances be making it worse.

It's okay.

Jewel. Stop. It's not okay. Is this what you're doing with Julie?

No.

Yes it is, and you know it.

It is not.

Don't lie to me!

Laurie! Don't hit her!

She deserves it, for all the shit she's done! ...I'm sorry, did I say 'she?' I meant 'it,' you bloody anomaly. What the heck is wrong with you? Why can't you ever listen to me? Do you want this to happen?

No. I don't want it.

Then stop listening to that perverted slut and listen to me. Ignore her, fight her, do whatever the heck you have to do, but we are getting that freaking gas mask and we are going to beat her once and for all, do you hear me?

Yeah. I just want my surgery.

...I know you do. I just don't know how the heck to get it.

Jewel, please, what is going on?

I don't know.

She's disconnected.

She's unhinging?

You could put it that way, yeah. She's very unstable right now. I doubt she can even think straight.

Is she going to be okay?

She should be... but I don't know anymore.

...

Stop saying 'she.'

Oh come on, it isn't going to bother her that much, is it?

You know her better than I do, and yes it does.

Pff... then what are we going to call this thing?

I don't know. Just... I don't know. Don't hurt her anymore, okay?

Fine.

I think she should get some sleep...

Yeah, she's supposed to have the sandman's job now, from what I heard.

Wait, what?

Sandman?

Notice the masculine ending, there.

Yeah, I'm noticing it, I'm noticing it.

She had a dream last night about the sandman teaching her his job or something. I heard it was pretty cool.

It was awesome.

Are you all right now?

Are you okay?

Selph, don't panic.

I'm not panicking. I'm not panicking.

Yes you are.

...Okay, I am. But I can't help it. I'm scared, Jewel. You keep telling me these things and I can't stop them, and now I... now I feel worthless. I can't even protect you.

Selph...

I can't even protect her, Chaos! I'm in the same room as her and I can't even save her! Do you have any idea how worthless that makes me feel?

...

Wow.

Selph, I am so sorry. I am so sorry.

I know you are. Just don't do it again.

I can't promise you that. It's not my choice.

How is it not your choice? This is willpower we're talking about here, jerk, not coercion.

Ever hear of primitive human instincts? I hate this with a passion, Laurie. The thought of suicide has literally passed through my mind several times today, and that's not even an option. I want to be free of this so badly, but I think I'm stuck.

I just told you, you've got to be stronger. You've gotta fight that bitch.

I was fighting her, and for twelve solid days I was in the lead, and then she went and sniped me from behind.

Eh... you still could have stopped her.

I like to think so, but I can't be sure. All I know is that once my humanity snaps back into place, I'm not only furious and humiliated, but I'm shattered. I break down in tears, I start to abuse myself. I don't even know why it all happens, because it makes no sense. I don't want it, I never do, and yet I keep finding myself there.

I still say you get your gas mask.

I am getting my gas mask, regardless of whatever happened today. It's my first ticket out of here.

You know, what is it with this gas mask you keep talking about wearing? Are you buying one?

Yes, and not just because it's awesome. It'll also keep me from biting, bingeing, talking like an idiot all day, getting distracted too badly, and identifying myself with the face in the mirror.

The Rorschach principle again.

Essentially.

I'm sure you'll look nice in it.

I hope so, I'm going to wear it all the time!

Your parents are going to kill you.

Don't you laugh at me now, Laurie, this is your idea too.

I know, I just thought it was funny.

You still bleeding?

Here, take a look.

Ech... geez. Sorry about that.

S'all right. It'll go away if you watch your mouth.

I hope I can do that.

You can, if you stop stealing my job.

Oh, the absorption thing.

Yeah. The absorption thing. Stop.

I'll try.

Make sure.

I will.

Guys, can we really wrap this up? It's almost 2AM and Jewel needs sleep.

I need an escape.

Then go find one.

This is one.

One that doesn't involve staying up all night.

Oh. Okay.

Jewel, are you going to be okay?

I hope so. I just have to do a lot of praying and begging for forgiveness--

Again.

Again-- because I've been reading a lot of apocalyptic stuff lately and it is scaring me to death. I'm nowhere near the perfect person people think I am, and from what I can figure I'm at a pretty high risk for damnation, and I don't want that. That's the one thing I'm scared of more than anything, so I have to work hard to fix that.

Killing Julie would fix that immediately.

Hey, you give me the money for surgery, I'll go fix that right now. Seriously, I don't care what time it is.

Ahaha, I hear ya! And I'd give you the money but I'm broke. I don't have a job, you know.

Neither do I.

I don't either.

Yes you do-- look, you're my superego, you're my soulbond, and you're my muse. There you go. You get paid in love and weird late-night conversations that do more harm than good, and I'm sorry.

Sorry for what, trying to do better?

Yeah, that's what counts.

I know that, but I'm really tired of making the same mistakes over and over and over again. I wake up in the morning and know that today's going to be even harder than yesterday, and every time I'm right. I'm telling you, it's getting to be very hard just dragging myself out of sleep in the morning.

You'd rather be a sandman.

Ah, he's a nice guy. I should look for him in my dreams again tonight. That or you guys.

Look for us.

Yeah, you still haven't gotten me my bishop's chair!

Oh yeah, that's our running goal. Okay, I'll keep an eye out.

Seriously, Jewel, remember what I said today. It's all true, no matter what.

I know. I never doubted you, not even for a second. I only doubt myself.

Why?

Because... I'm such a paradox. I make no sense. I need you, Chaos. I love you, and yet here I am saying that I don't want to be anything to anyone and vice versa even though that's nothing but a lie and I know it. Chaos, I'm so confused.

I'm not. I know the truth, and that's what matters. We'll get through this.

You know, when you say that I almost believe it.

Please do. You need to, or you'll never be able to manage this.

He's right, you know.

...Okay. I'll try.

There is no try, there is only do!

Aha, some Yoda wisdom to light up the night.

He was right too, you know.

You're awfully mellow, Laurie.

Sure I am. Julie can't touch me at 2AM.

Wait, she comes after you too?

We fight. A lot. Jewel might have to fight her physically and mentally, but I have to literally go up against her with an axe while she tries to tear out my throat with those shadow hands of hers. Which is hellish, for the record. I thought she'd be easier to kill, but no...

I guess you're really not alone then, Jewel.

I'm never alone. I just feel like it sometimes.

That's very sad, actually.

I know. I wish it wasn't true.

I wish it wasn't 2. You're going to be screaming tomorrow morning. Come on, kid. Get some sleep.

You two... I don't know.

What?

You just... one minute you're trying to tear her eyes out, and the next you've got your arm around her shoulders and you're telling her it's all going to be alright. What's with that?

Someone's gotta keep her under control, and the only person who can do that is someone who really cares. That's my job.

I thought you said you didn't have a job.

Well, I lied! Maybe if you gave me a paycheck I wouldn't lie anymore.

Oh, hush up, you.

Heheheh.

It's good to see you're getting along, though.

Yeah, at one time we really hated each other.

I never hated you.

Maybe, but I sure didn't like you and all your mistakes. I warmed up to you pretty fast, though.

I'll never forget that time you hugged me.

...Yeah. That was a pretty rough day.

We've had a lot of rough days.

We've all had our share of rough days together.

Mm-hmm.

Well, time for sleep.

You said it!

Yeah, Jewel, you need recovery time.

I'm doing what I can.

That's what counts.

I love you.

...I love you too. I'm sorry.

For what?

For... for not being there.

When?

When all this was going on. Selph was there, but... but I should have been there. Maybe I could have helped.

You were around me all day, and that helped more than you know. It's okay. I'll make it through this.

You finally think so?

Yeah. It's the least I can do.

Well, good night, guys. She's starting to fall asleep at the computer. It's kind of funny.

Keep this good attitude for a while, will you, Laurie? It's kind of surreal to see you acting nice, but I prefer it over the axe-swinging days.

They both have their good points. Hey, keep Julie away from me and my girl and you won't have to worry about me getting pissed off.

Not a girl.

Whatever you are, my ego.

Eh, that works.

Uh, Selph already left.

Yeah, he's standing behind me.

Behind us, you mean.

I guess I should be leaving, then.

I'll miss you.

...

Ssh, don't worry about her. She's still kind of unhinged, remember?

All right... just take care of her for me, okay?

Oh no no no, you take care of her for me. You have no idea how much she cares about you, do you?

...I have a slight idea.

Well, you should have a bigger idea because you are always on her mind, I swear. Julie tries to use you against her, but honestly, J here is pretty vehement with keeping you out of it. You should be proud of her.

I am. I just wish she would keep herself out if it.

Yeah, I hear you, I hear you.

Pronouns, guys.

We'll worry about pronouns tomorrow, 'it.' Now, I am going to drag you off to sleep because I'm tired too and I'm still bleeding from my mouth.

How long is that going to take to heal?

Ask your kid here, it's his-her-it's decision.

All right, all right. See you tomorrow.

Yeah, nice talkin' to ya.

Good night, Chaos.

See you, Jewel. ...I'll miss you too.

Mmf.

He's a pretty nice guy.

Pretty nice?

Well, that could be an understatement.

That's like saying you're pretty violent.

Hey, I'll give you a demonstration if you don't get to sleep!

Okay, okay. Thanks, Laurie.

Anytime and everytime, kid. See you in the morning.

It's already morning.

Exactly!