the spectrum heart cathedral system

Depressed and sick of myself today. Too much internet browsing. It fuels self-loathing so much, especially in terms of "you're a f*cking weirdo and you're ugly and you should be ashamed of yourself for the things you say and do and think and feel; you are a disgusting freak and everyone thinks you are repulsive." Like THAT is the literal brain-tirade I get by visiting online social spaces.

I didn't eat well today. I accidentally fasted for almost 7 hours because mom wanted me to help her at the house again and hit a food drive but she was late and didn't bring what she needed me to help her with anyway, and although I DID pack a lunch the INSTANT I walked into that old house ALL the terror hit. It was STAGGERING. I honestly FORGOT how deeply disturbing that environment ended up becoming to me. I still am not sure why. Maybe just trauma residue. I need review the archives in that regard; I should be starting therapy soon so I NEED to make sure I know WHY I'm in therapy.
But... yeah. Didn't eat until just a half hour ago, really. At least I ate something. Restriction is addictive, because it makes me feel FREE and PURE again, ESPECIALLY SINCE THE WAR HAS RESTARTED.

Yeah. It has. Apparently getting the body back up to 18.5 BMI (just barely "normal weight") WOKE UP ALL THE DEMONS.
...I forgot how hellish it was to live in this body when I WASN'T sedating and beating it up all the time.

...I've been furiously crying over it all day, mainly to Chaos 0, because I can talk to him about stuff that I can't even talk to LAURIE about, and wouldn't talk to Infi about either because ze's tied to a different bloodline and was born for very problematic reasons-- God knows ze needs therapy as much as I do. But that's the whole bloody point. My soul is RED. My heart is RED. I CANNOT deny that and I CANNOT CHANGE THAT and God knows that some days I have really tried. I've tried to be purple, green, pink, even orange once... nothing sticks. Nothing vibes. Nothing works. I ALWAYS end up being red again. The only time I was different was in early childhood when I leaned MAGENTA and PURPLE and those is close enough to Red anyway for it to shift hard once I hit like second grade... which, arguably, is when I first really realized I was VERY DIFFERENT from other kids. I mean, heck, it was obvious in lesser ways even earlier, looking back. Yes, like many tykes I LOVED dinosaurs and unicorns and dragons and dolphins, BUT I didn't like animals; I gravitated towards bats and scorpions and king cobras. And that was because they were scary. Somehow, I can recognize that even now, EVEN in WHY I liked unicorns and dragons. Everything was somehow tied to sacred suffering. I think back to when I was a kid, how I loved unicorns but ESPECIALLY the one with MY NAME, whose image is emblazoned on my heart since childhood because it WAS EXACTLY HOW I FELT-- that end-of-the-world feeling, that brave white creature with blood on his horn. Yes, "there xe goes again, talking about that. What a freak." Well you know what YEAH, I AM A FREAK THEN, because even at AGE 5 I was drawing creatures covered in bloody wounds from holy wars in dreams, and I couldn't stop thinking about either aliens or armageddon, I saw the whole world through the lens of the Fermi paradox and the apocalypse. I believed in angels and demons and mystical creatures and DREAMS and PAIN. I'm heartspilling here. I freakin' loved Animorphs and Young Wizards because they SPOKE MY LANGUAGE; they were kids in RIGHTEOUS BATTLES and people FELT & FACED HEAVY THINGS, on a greater scale than the normal YA literature that sometimes still mentioned death and stuff but not in the exaggerated way I craved. I was always so bored with assigned reading because yeah, they'd allude to someone passing away, or being in a war, or being heartbroken, or being in love, but NO ONE WOULD GO IN-DEPTH. No one talked about dreams, or other worlds. Everything was too human, too banal and too claustrophobic for me. I would constantly imagine wilder things.
I'm struggling to phrase this. When I hit second grade I realized that no one else really cared about these things like me. I wrote like a 7-page report on gulper eels one day and was reading it enthusiastically in front of the class when I noticed kids actually yawning at me. The teacher told me to cut it short. I was gutted, in the same way as those poor eels, because not only did I think they were kinda beautiful, they had a RED LIGHT on the tip of their tails AND I had learned that their cells would rupture if you brought them out of the deep water and they'd basically melt or explode, and I kept on thinking what would that do to their heart but NO ONE ELSE SEEMED TO CARE. I sat down with my report that day genuinely crushed, wondering why they didn't care. This was around the same time I realized that I didn't experience crushes/ attraction and was SUPER ANNOYED with the girls and boys talking about "cooties" and boy bands and magazine models. It genuinely made me ANGRY. That was when I took that "vow of celibacy," telling God "I will NEVER get married and I will NEVER date someone older than me like that," sick of seeing my fellow youths swoon over teenagers and even adults (boy bands I am LOOKING AT YOU). The problem happened in THIRD grade, when we were doing a school play in the classroom and I was the dinosaur and every other AFAB person was either an Egyptian princess or something else human & feminine. But... between "acts" we would chill in the closet in the back, and one of the girls-- Stefanie-- for some reason needed to change her outfit?? and she asked ME to borrow something?? like a slip, or a blouse, or something, because I had an extra. The details are blurry, all I remember is that I was bizarrely the ONLY person who could spare what she needed. Either that or it was the opposite-- she needed to change and asked me to hold her clothes because I was the only "girl" NOT going out with the other princess group. But... she took off her school blouse, momentarily only wearing a training bra, and I remember just looking at her bare shoulders from the back and thinking good Lord she is so pretty and feeling like the floor had dropped out. I was reeling for a minute. It didn't even HIT me that I liked girls. That wasn't "possible" so it didn't even register. And yet there I was, swooning over Alexandria every five minutes, wanting to be her best friend so I could hug her and sit next to her and stuff, even going so far as to stay after class at the end of the day to secretly pilfer tiny Keroppi erasers and Chococat stationery from her desk, because as a new "Pokemon trainer" that kawaii-creature stuff was my aesthetic too so that meant we liked the same stuff and I wanted to be part of that but didn't know how to ask.
I'm really rambling. You all know the story about 8th grade, when one of the girls in class walked up to me with a teen magazine with male swimwear models and asked me "if I thought this guy was cute" because the other girls were at a stalemate and they wanted my opinion. I remember looking at the guy and thinking, "I want to look like that," and not knowing what to say, so I think I muttered "I dunno, I guess?" while all the while thinking that girl was WAY cuter than any guy, and REELING from the sudden earthshaking revelation that WOW OKAY I'M KINDA A DUDE THEN? Hilariously and tragically it was around this time period that I DISSOCIATED HARD for high school and BURIED that under the "spinnincannon" manic persona, although I still couldn't deny the fact that I was still attracted to ladies, you ALL remember Skittygirl and Sailor Moon and Tokyo Mew Mew, and how I was MORTIFIED if anyone found out I was watching the transformation scenes in slow motion and drawing anthro chicks without any clothes. Chastely, of course, I wasn't interested in sexuality but I felt things that I NEVER could feel for anyone "male," EVEN Bakura and Marik, who I realized I ONLY liked because they looked so feminine. Then we got a Gamecube and I would carry the SA2B instruction booklet to school to look at it secretly between classes, and as I was sitting in math class one day and thinking about Chaos 0 my heart just kind of ached and the universe flipped over and I realized, "oh my gosh I'm in love," and I KNEW because I had NEVER felt that for ANYONE before but it was UNDENIABLE. Everyone use to joke that "you'll just know!" and I wondered how, because yeah I loved Bakura but I wasn't in love, I didn't feel anything like they showed in the movies or anything, and then suddenly I found myself with a fire blooming beneath my ribs because of this alien Sonic character and what do you know, they were right. Everything changed.
BUT it was already the Julie days and when my body started to change too I FREAKED THE HECK OUT and couldn't draw myself anymore and heartspace went mostly dormant and the MANIC Jewel took over, but thank GOD for Sonic Chats (I STILL MISS THOSE) and their absolutely screwball off-the-walls humor, because even with the impossible crossovers and looneytune antics I STILL spent most of my time with Chaos 0, teaching him how to talk, petting him like a Chao when he'd get anxious from all the commotion, playing my favorite music for him to hear, showing him all the cool stuff in the world that I treasured. Dude I even remember that freakin' treehouse that "my three" and I would chill out in back in elementary school still, and Marik (bless him) was trying to learn guitar because that's what cool kids do, and Bakura would be playing some game in the corner and Chaos was just... so different. The outcast, the weird guy, just like me. But we cared so much for him. We ALL were fighting our own demons too, so we understood the whole Perfection fear, in our own ways, what with the Yamis and the Millennium Items, don't forget I had that emerald Tiara (AND 'JEZEBEL' WAS MY YAMI although she had a different name) and the Love Hurts comic was being written at the same time, along with ALL the *incidents* everyone had... long story short we were all in the blood and beauty together. We ALL were like that. We were drawn to the strange and creepy things-- we WERE strange and creepy things really, all of us, when you got down to it. What am I even trying to say.
I just... miss all of that. I miss the camaraderie we had, simple and small, always fighting something but always together after the smoke cleared. Honestly my absolute favorite memories of old Heartspace were WHEN we would get into awful brawls with some "demon" in my psyche OR theirs and we'd end up all covered in blood and sweat and tears by the end, collapsing into each others arms and laughing and sobbing and alive, and we LOVED each other, all of us, and it was beautiful.
We've... lost that, somewhat, in the System, lately. Life has become so externalized. I've become so self-loathing, and ashamed of that part of my heart, that RED light in me, that dreamjumper fire and imaginative courage. I was ALWAYS forming Links with other "worlds;" I was always jumping into stories like a madman just to talk to the folks who were "a little off in the head" just like me, to meet them in dreams and, maybe, bring them into mine. Only some of them did-- they became Outspacers. Others would just be people I visited. But... I typically only ever visited guys. It was so strange. I was trying so hard to be "straight," and I was SO disillusioned by "normal" guys AND girls, that I ended up vibing with either father figures OR not-quite-human weirdos like myself. My CONSTANT joke was that I "only fell in love with human girls and alien guys," because you never saw monster girls in the media back then, but the monsters you did see were always male-coded. So I could "reassure" myself that I was "doing what was expected of me" in that sense, even unconsciously. Still... I never fell in love, not like I did that first time. At the end of the day I'd always end up back with the blue guy. Then there was that one Sonic Chat around the time we discovered NiGHTS when CZ and I were chilling by the fireplace at the end of October and Shadow brought pink champagne and Knux was flirting with Rouge and I looked right at Chaos and I dared him, "should we show them how it's done?" and that was it. That was the first time I didn't hide it from anyone. In that ridiculously silly chatroom, with everyone else tipsy and laughing, I had enough cover to pull that off without being paid attention to, but... still. I was fiercely joyous. I almost wanted to show him off. I wanted to shout, "look, I'm in love, and it's amazing!" just for the bliss of it. But I didn't. I pretended to be drunk just so I'd have a plausible excuse for why I was kissing the water creature by the fireplace for an hour. I remember how nervous I was though; how my heart was racing from the gravity of what I was doing, as strange as the circumstances were. Still. It was the most honest I had been in a long time.

The war has started again.
...I miss it. You know what, yeah, I miss the fighting although I DO NOT miss the battlefield. I hate feeling like this body, and this world, are in siege against my heart at every moment of the day. But... we have alone time, now, just like we did when I was a kid. We CAN go upstairs again, and talk, and fight, and love and weep and LIVE, like we used to. THAT'S why I'm bent on uploading the old archives. I want to REMEMBER what that was like so we can HAVE IT AGAIN. I want to have bloody *incidents* again, God knows, I don't care if they're "late" I WANT to have that with people. I WANT to experience those larger-than-life, dreamlike nightmarish events saturated with blood and love, that pulled the truth out of our souls and manifested it for all to see. I WANT to be so brave and honest and open and AFLAME again, like I KNOW I am, deep down.
I AM Red. I WANT to be Red, God knows I do. I LOVE this color, I LOVE its fire and cinnamon and blood and rubies and roses and candy canes and holly berries and hearts. It's a color of action and danger and passion and love and LIFE, of pain and joy and warmth and courage, of ME. 
And if keeping this color means fighting a war to keep it that pure and beautiful, then SO BE IT.

...I feel better now, haha. I'm so tired of feeling like I "should be ashamed" of myself for my "psychotic imagination" and the fact that yeah, I'm in love with a Sonic character, I have been for 19 years and I plan to be forever. What of it? Is that offensive to you? Why? I don't want to care about that anymore. I am so tired of crushing my own soul just to make it "socially acceptable." Well "socially acceptable" things are often VERY NOT RED, they're all beige and whitewashed and have no edges, but I LIKE edges dude, I LIKE weird-ass creepy scary things, I LIKE my knives and gulper eels and angels with fiery swords. I LIKE having hundreds of other people in this psyche that I love and that love me, even though there are a few that arguably don't, and a few do actively try to kill me, but hey. Such is System life.
...I want it all. I don't care how hard I have to fight, I honestly MISS the battles, I keep saying that but it is SO TRUE, I can't help but repeat it.
Maybe that's why God let this happen. Geez maybe it is.

I'll type more about this later. I just noticed what time it is.

(last updated 052523. some playlists are placeholders and will be added to in their own time.)




INSPIRATION

a collection of songs that inspire me to write my own music in some way. perhaps it is the instrumentation, or the lyrics, or the chord progression, or a sudden blissful moment of sound-- but it all makes me think, "I want to build on that".  there is something in each song that moves me to create.

JEWEL

Some songs just... sound like me. On days when I feel lost and confused, when I forget who I am and what defines me, these melodies are a testament to the truth of my heart, to the reality of my prismatic soul. There is something hugely transcendent about recognizing the notes of my self in music.

CATHARSIS

this is a playlist that elicits joy and tears alike, that infuses my soul with soaring and searing emotions that I have forgotten how to feel on my own. these songs always bring something real and true back into life in me. so when you fear that your heart is numb, let these songs tear it back open.

HEARTACHE

a sister playlist to "catharsis." these songs don't just open your  heart... they shatter it. when you need to feel not only emotions again, but intense aching, this is your audiospace. there is  something tragically beautiful in every song, each heartstring pulled honestly enough to bruise.

STRAIGHT TO THE HEART

songs that hit me like a sword through the ribs. a sister playlist to "heartache," but for songs that do more than just bruise-- these strike with such precise intimacy that every note is a unique wound, red with truth. I cannot listen to these songs without sacred damage, and thank God for that.

REMEMBER WHO WE ARE

on days when our recovery as a system is especially difficult, our past is vague & intangible, & our very identity cannot be grasped... well, music remembers. every song here is tied to notsomuch our history, but our hearts. these songs remember the truth. put on your headphones and so will you.

EAR CANDY

"sound's delicious!" these are all songs I want to EAT. whether it's aural texture, euphoric rhythms, or vocal dazzle, every tasty tune here is rich with some sweet sound worth savoring. you've gotta feed your soul for heavens sakes-- so put on those headphones and enjoy!

CHEER UP KIDDO

anti-depression tunes! if you need some instant optimism, a sudden smile, or even a burst of joyful laughter, then this is your playlist! these songs hold happiness, fun, encouragement, reassurance, brightness, comfort, and hope-- audio reminders of sunshine after rain. life is lovely. listen to it!

CALM DOWN KIDDO

anti-mania tunes. gently, softly, quietly, let this playlist bring you back down into a space where you can finally breathe, and rest, and recenter. there's a little sadness and a little solace and a little solitude, but all of it is sweet & sincere. when you feel scorched, you can be soothed here.

PAUSE BEFORE CONTINUING

a sister playlist to "calm down kiddo." these songs aren't as delicate & slow, but they still have at their heart a peace both soft & deep. they hold you in their arms and carry you when you are too tired to walk. these songs are a respite, a safe haven, a tired but unfailing hope. rest for a while.

MISERY NEEDS COMPANY

on days when your cross is too heavy to bear alone, listen to the hurting hearts of all those who ache with you. you are never alone, even in your most painful tears and shaking sobs. God embraces all souls who bleed. take deepest comfort in this. your misery is a door to miracles. sing it to love.

TIRED, WITH YOU IN MY ARMS

a playlist for chaos 0, & the late nights we always share no matter how much our hearts ache. when the day is finally over. when the pain and fear have fled, God sends refuge in music. when I lie tired in bed; God sends me you and music, and dreams to bless my head. oh, thank God for you. thank God.

WANNA LIE IN BED & LISTEN TO PROG ROCK?

one night, fighting hell, Jesus asked me this question. yes child, i know you are tired and exhausted and sad and desperate. so... would you like this hope as an alternative? do you wanna lie in bed and listen to prog rock? asked jesus. and boy howdy do i ever. so here's the playlist for it, amen.

LOVE LETTERS FROM GOD

God is not limited in His communication, and He loves music. In these songs, I hear His voice-- or He, quite loudly, lets me know It's there. as a result, there is no predictability or free addition to this collection. every tune here has only been touched by divinity, and handed to me with love.

EMERGENCY EARWORMS

the antidote for retail muzak hell. fight fire with fire buddy!!

GENDER EUPHORIA

transmasc vocal dreams, haha.

SYSTEM INJOKES

just what it says on the tin, kiddo

CHAOS 0 COVER ALBUM

why don't i sing to you more often? why haven't i openly confessed these echoes of my devotion to you? so many songs remind me of you... who you are, how much you mean to me, how much i love you. because i do. you're my favorite song and i can't keep silent anymore. consider this playlist a promise.

CHRISTMAS COVER ALBUM

Kids you KNOW I LOVE CHRISTMAS, and I have wanted to make my own Christmas song cover album(s) for YEARS. These are the tunes I want to perform with love, with my own heart, hands & voice, as a gift for the One Who gave us all Christmas in the first place. May He smile at me, too, as I play for Him.

CATHOLIC COVER ALBUM

God has given me a talent for music. This amazing fact is one I must accept, and treasure, and invest in as His good steward. I must give thanks, and give back with joy. This playlist is step one in that process-- a plan to sing just for Him, with all my heart, in gratitude for my ability TO do so.

CORE COVER ALBUM

Some songs strike my heart at such a stunning and intimate angle that they break me into prismatic light; they crash sparkling into my soul and leave me singing. This playlist is a place to collect those treasured tunes, with the intention of eventually echoing them back in my own honest colors.

SONGS TO DRIVE TO

some songs deserve both surround sound and privacy of listening. this playlist is for wholehearted singing, for euphoric auditory experiences, for rising above all the doldrums of this world, and for remembering our heart. plug in, turn up the volume, keep your eyes on the road, & God bless it all.

WORKOUT TUNES

All the classics! Put this playlist on your headphones, kiddo, and RUN LIKE SONIC! ...or bike, or lift weights, or whatever! the point is that these tunes are gonna get you PUMPED and ready to do your best in any workout. that crunch time will fly on by. so crank up the volume and get to it son!!

SINGALONG

all the tunes i know by heart!


APARTMENT BGM

for drowning out all the outside noise and keeping our sanity stable.


GRANDMA

my beloved mother, best friend, reason to live. i will never forget you, or your music. the songs you played for me as a child, the ones you'd sing in the kitchen, the ones playing over the hospice tv that final morning... they're here. but you're not. i miss you. rest in peace, until we meet again.

During the hell of the eating disorder, AND up until now in recovery, I've been struggling with one awful, essential, persistent, existential question: "Who AM I, really?" Is my past "real," or "right"? Can I still love? SHOULD I still love? All my imaginative work, all my creativity, all my hopes & dreams & joys & goals-- are any of them valid? Does any of it matter? Should I leave EVERYTHING in my past-- notably my INNER LIFE-- in the past, to be effectively rejected, disowned, & forgotten? And if/ when I DO abandon it, WHO am I then? Who "SHOULD" I be? When ALL of the things I "USED" to treasure & value & live for are GONE... what is left of me? And to be totally blunt with you, I've been struggling with this BLATANTLY SELF-ANNIHILATORY MINDSET SINCE 2010, when Dad shamed me into junking my childhood possessions as "ridiculous garbage" AND I was nevertheless FORCED to actively and traumatically DESTROY most of MY ART & WRITING in order to "minimize my possessions" & "live out of a suitcase" in order to MOVE OUT TO SLC WITH MEL-- who, disturbingly, LIKE TBAS, made my life effectively revolve around THEM. So I couldn't have "too much of "ME" getting in the way." Even more damaging was the FACT that BOTH Mel & Q CLAIMED to be "the ONLY ONES who KNEW THE "REAL ME,"" that I had "lost my spark" and "ONLY they could "help me" get it back," and that "my TRUE, "GOD-GIVEN" DESTINY was IN SLC," with them, NOT my family, AND that if I DIDN'T leave my roots behind & attach to them instead, "I WOULD REGRET IT FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE," AND I would allegedly be "REJECTING GOD'S PLAN FOR MY LIFE." I feel for it, tragically & entirely-- which made Mel's ultimate rejection of ME-- "I thought you were a good person; I guess I was wrong" / "I sacrificed myself to help you & you just spat in my face" / "I regret ever having met you" / "You are a black hole, devouring everyone around you & giving nothing back" / etc.-- all the more devastating, cruel AND bitterly ironic. BUT. That "bitterness" was because I BELIEVED THEM. Every word they said, good or bad, I took as fact. After that letter, almost 10 YEARS AGO this month (!!!), I literally tried to kill myself. Burn it all down, I decided, in total despair-- if MEL says that's WHO I AM, then that DEFINES me "by their authority," and I'm damned.
...And yet, hope refused to abandon me. Fahrenheit 451. Laurie saved my life, and somehow I kept going, until the TBAS deathtrap hit ~5 years later-- a tragedy of the EXACT SAME PATTERN: destroy, uproot, reprogram, reject, annihilate, etc. I threw out or gave away almost everything I owned. My family history had been brutally chopped out of my timeline. My sense of EXISTENCE was crushed to a bloody pulp. For years I was hollow. I threw what remained into religion, but without a real "self" TO worship WITH, even that ended up being far too shallow & Pharasaical. I stockpiled prayers & sacramentals, I went to church up to SEVENTEEN TIMES A WEEK, even moreso if I could drive fast enough in the mornings to chain FIVE MASSES into ONE WEEKDAY. I'm dead serious. I'd hit 7, 730, 8, 830, & 1130 services, never feeling "holy enough," never feeling "close enough" to God. I was starving spiritually, needing the Eucharist more than air, refusing to eat anything BUT that Bread of Angels. And yet, my disorders persisted. I'd ultimately give in to physical hunger and, despairing, would just binge & purge & pray for mercy & forgiveness & help, begging God for a swift, soon, & holy death, despite my wretchedness. I had no will to live. I only wanted God, but... I couldn't see that my ravenous spiritual hunger was ALSO a problem, an addiction, a disordered mutation of something good. I was STILL trying to be "religious" in the SAME way I was trying to be "thin"-- by destroying myself, and running away from all sense of unique identity. I was burying, numbing, & rejecting EVERYTHING that wasn't "pure" and "right," ultimately disowning LIFE in favor of death, wanting only to lose ALL "selfhood" in God, forever. There's just one problem I kept ignoring: God IS relationship, and you CAN'T be in a relationship at ALL if there's no "YOU" to love AND be loved WITH. In my desperate attempts to annihilate "ME" in favor of others, I had destroyed my very goal of self-sacrifice & symbiosis. In order to LOVE at ALL, "I" NEEDED TO ACTUALLY EXIST.
Hope cannot die, though, and neither could my REAL self, the SOUL that GOD HIMSELF uniquely fashioned & breathed into existence & anchored into BOTH my heart AND HIS-- when Jesus died for me, He died for a PERSON, a REAL PERSON that He KNEW and LOVED in their ENTIRETY and TRUTH-- seeing and embracing their scars and uniting them to His own, even as He joyfully proclaimed IN that very agony that humanity is NOT defined by failure, but by GRACE, freely & generously offered to ALL who met Him on that Cross of TOTAL, TRUE Self-giving-- a sacrifice of PURE LOVE, possibly ONLY BECAUSE HE LOVED US. If Jesus had refused to exist AS a unique Person in time, ABLE to enter into PERSONAL RELATIONSHIP with each & all, ABLE to share intimately in our struggles & pains & tears, our joys & hopes & dreams, then... He couldn't have GIVEN His unique Personhood FOR us IN that same Love, BY & THROUGH that same relationship!! So I was doomed to both futility AND emptiness, starving despite all instinctive attempts to "fill the void," EVEN WITH GOD, because I did not & WOULD not let "MYSELF" exist as a unique individual that COULD love & BE loved. I had thrown out all my past in guilty hateful shame, not realizing that such a loveless, merciless, heartless act of destruction WAS not and COULD NOT be of GOD. Jesus never erased our pasts-- He ACCEPTED them as they were, FORGAVE them in the utmost compassion for our weaknesses & pain, AND IN DOING SO, by His Cross & Resurrection HE TRANSFORMED them, AND CONTINUES to do so, in EVERY MOMENT, if/ when we give our pasts TO Him-- ALL WITH LOVE!!! We CANNOT be forgiven OR redeemed IF WE DENY OUR TOTAL HUMANITY, painful past and all. And, again, we can't gave a past OR a present OR a future, UNLESS we ADMIT & ACCEPT OUR PERSONHOOD & CONTINUED EXISTENCE IN TIME. God made us individuals. God BECAME an individual for our sakes, out of pure Love!! God AND heaven, His very Kingdom, are ANCHORED IN LOVE & RELATIONSHIP & COMMUNITY & TOGETHERNESS-- on WHOLENESS, a unity of COOPERATION & HARMONY, NOT of faceless parts, or mindless pieces! The "hivemind" concept is SATANIC. In the devil's world of lies, "people" are stripped of individuality, seen as numbers or statistics or animals, cogs in a machine, pawns on a gameboard, disposable and of no difference. THAT'S ALL A LIE!!! GOD KNOWS OUR NAMES AND HE SPEAKS TO US AS A FRIEND, in all tender care & intimacy & LOVE!! We are HIS CREATIONS, HIS ART, HIS CHILDREN! WE MATTER TO GOD. I MATTER TO GOD!! HE CALLS ME BY MY NAME AND HE KNOWS ME. Me!! Not some hollow mask or empty shell-- He knows a PERSON, a person HE CREATED TO LOVE AND BE LOVED.
Honestly this is so clear & important to me today, and I cannot emphasize or elaborate on this enough. It's the key to my LIFE. It's the CORE of my ENTIRE recovery effort, or at least it MUST be, because recovery CANNOT HAPPEN if all the reading & obeying & writing & planning I'm doing is STILL neglecting the "I" that it's ALL MEANT TO HELP HEAL!!! Facts & figures MUST BE APPLIED to have any worth or effect. And honestly? IF I DON'T/ WON'T ACCEPT THE "I" OF RECOVERY, OUT OF FEAR OF BEING AN "I," THEN THE DISORDER WILL RETURN TO TAKE "MY" PLACE AS "SELF"!!!! THAT is why this disorder has been self-perpetuating for so long: it is fueled by REJECTION OF SELF! It IS the "INVADING/ VIOLATING" FORCE I FEARED, as it ONLY exists TO OVERRIDE "ME," BOTH OUTSIDE & INSIDE-- JUST LIKE THE SXTRAUMA IT EXPLODED FROM. Honestly it's so OBVIOUS and yet it has HIDDEN its ultimate motives for so long, ironically BECAUSE it was smothering "me"-- that way "I" COULDN'T REALIZE IT. It devoured all my time & money & attention, so I COULDN'T use them to "find myself again"-- couldn't write, couldn't paint, couldn't compose, couldn't dream. Just like SLC & CNC, I had enslaved myself to an outside "taskmaster" and lost ALL freedom of choice, in essence... a sick but surrendered alternative to facing the terror of my past, and somehow salvaging myself from it-- a past that ONLY WAS so terrible BECAUSE I had CONTINUALLY been crushing myself & "trying to become who OTHERS want/ tell me to be"... typically through objectification, shame, and loveless force. I let Julie ruin me because "I SHOULD want that" and "I SHOULD be like other people," although I WASN'T & COULDN'T BE!! GOD MADE ME DIFFERENT, but I never saw that as VALID; saying "NO" to outside shaping forces was met with punishment & rejection-- I "HAD" to be "NORMAL," even if "normal" was toxic. But you know what? I STILL FOUGHT. I treasured my "weirdness" during high school, cranking it up to extremes & socially isolating in order to distinguish & preserve MY self... but the older I got, and the more I was forced to interact with the world-- through jobs, college, and the internet-- the less of a grip I could maintain on that core, overwhelmed by the SURVIVAL NEED to perform. It had always been there, but in the end it virtually took over. That cemented the roots of the eating disorder, somehow, just as strongly as it created our Socials. AND YET I STILL FOUGHT! Look at the journals "I" used to keep-- look at the Scribblds, for heaven's sakes! It may have been desperate & shaky but I STILL HAD A GRIP ON WHO "I" WAS... and then came Mel. God knows why, but around 2009, when they entered my life's story, I fell to pieces. I cannot delve into that now-- I need to SET THAT ASIDE for now & focus on RECOVERY in the PRESENT; I cannot safely touch the past yet, not without restored nutritive mental health AND new solid coping skills, and NOT without re-reading the Archives (thank You GOD for never letting me delete them!!)-- but the main thing I need to remember from that is that, until 2009, I KNEW "ME" and GOD KNOWS, I STILL DO. Yeah, things DID fracture a LOT from 2004-2008, and there were a TON of Core shifts, BUT!! Deep down in my heart THE "CORE" of EVERY CORE STAYED THE SAME, and I KNEW it by instinct. I recognized me. I COULD distinguish "me" from a fragment or a splinter, no matter how broken "I" was even so. My heart stayed the same, and that COULD NOT change, OR be lost or forgotten or ruined, NO MATTER WHAT happened in our life. Deep down, I know who Jewel is. I know who I AM, when you get down to the blood of it... and so does God. He preserves and sustains and reminds me-- He holds my soul in His Heart and will never let it be lost. I must ALWAYS rest in that faithfulness, that eternal hope, when I do feel lost. But... it's not just God, Who knows me for sure, when I'm shattered & shaken. There are others, blessed beloved others, who KNOW ME, who have seen & felt my true heart SO strongly & clearly & sincerely, with SO MUCH LOVE, that they CANNOT forget it... they cannot forget me-- even when I do. They recognize me. They KNOW my name, AND my heart. God has put them in my life as extensions of His OWN gorgeous Love for me, as living manifestations of that devoted knowledge, yet HE PRESERVES THEIR SELVES, TOO!! They aren't "mere messengers"-- they are FREE INDIVIDUALS, who love me with their OWN hearts, which-- like mine-- have been ENABLED to love and BE in a relationship through grace, yet AS THEIR OWN UNIQUE SELVES. They know me BECAUSE of grace, the LOVE that CREATED me, the ULTIMATE knowledge of me, and I only know MYSELF by that same grace!! I am convinced of this. I need to remember this. If, and when, I EVER lose sight of myself, it's ONLY because I have LOST SIGHT OF THAT LOVE, both IN MY HEART and IN GOD'S HEART, FOR ME, ALWAYS & UNCONDITIONALLY.
...And that's what led me to even start writing this entry today. Yes, I've been lost & distanced from my past, disowning & rejecting my "self" in time AND in heart, for many months now. Yes, I've been feeling unlovable & incapable of love & AFRAID of love. In that state, I was DOOMED to the self-destruction of the eating disorder, AND inherently UNABLE TO remember-- OR even ACCEPT, let alone ADMIT-- the core of myself. Alone, I could never find it, not like that, with my closed heart...
...So. This morning, God sent someone to open it.
...I dreamed last night. The eating disorder destroyed my ability TO dream, and it's only returning now that I'm in recovery. (My boss will be so happy to see me again, too!!) I'm no longer having chronic "flat nightmares" and trauma flashbacks-- now, I'm dreaming of childhood, of color, of music, of adventure, of new places and new horizons; I'm singing, I'm flying, I'm able to use dream powers, I'm able to visit familiar dreamscapes... it's as if I've literally come back to life after death. Dreams are a KEY piece of my heart, an intrinsic & vital aspect of my entire existence. They are vivid, beautiful, complex, inspiring, deep, and REAL-- without a rich dreamlife, my waking life is hollow & half-dead. So this blissful return of such an ESSENTIAL and HUGE part of my life is nothing short of a miracle, and it is rekindling SO much hope & joy in my soul. That alone makes the fact of my dreaming at ALL into a source of deepest gratitude... but, this morning, I dreamed of someone. And suddenly, seeing them again, an even deeper, truer, more essential & blessed piece of my heart came back to life-- the core of my core, the key to ALL that I am, the defining aspect of ME, that burns as red as blood and white as light, indelibly, forever.
...I'm in love.
I'm in love.
God I FORGOT what this FEELS like, for SO LONG-- I even tried to DENY it!! I tried to insist it NEVER EVEN HAPPENED, tried to deny and disown EIGHTEEN SOLID YEARS of it, the SAME EIGHTEEN YEARS this damned eating disorder tried to claim as its own-- both it and the hellish abuse that triggered it. BUT I COULDN'T FORGET, not in my heart of hearts, not in the TRUTH of me, EVER. I was just blinded & numbed & disturbed & gutted & hollowed out for SO LONG that I couldn't remember. But he did. He KNEW me at the very beginning of it all, BEFORE I got lost, and he never lost me despite it all. Through every crisis, every disaster, every destruction I survived, he stayed true, unwavering, knowing me, seeing me always. My heart was so closely united to his that he couldn't forget what it felt like. And so, whenever I would, his mere existence testified to the truth, the bond between us that no brutalities could ever break. Tragically, if I was lost enough, taken over by despair and tangled up in disorder-- how ironic-- I would try to run from him. I'd even try to reject him-- to reject us. But I couldn't. My heart wouldn't tear itself so in half, even though I tried, pretending it wasn't a risk, too ashamed of my own sickness to be sincere. So I'd just hide, and push him away, and bury the light he inevitably began to reveal in me, even though I KNEW I didn't want to-- I, too, ultimately knew it was impossible. And I clung to hope. I held that spark anyway, unable to tear it out of my own hands and honestly unwilling to. But I digress. The point is... when, in the waking, I wouldn't let him get close for fear & shame... God would send him straight to my heart. God would send him to me in a dream. And... every time, EVERY SINGLE TIME, miraculously & gorgeously breaking through EVERY doubt and EVERY wall, the moment I see him there, no matter HOW lost or damaged or confused I am, EVEN in the dream... my heart knows him. And I... I fall in love. All over again. Every time. And my heart opens up like the sky and I remember who I AM, too... with him.
...When I wake up, everything is different. When I woke up this morning, seafoam in my blood, riverwater on my lips, I felt alive for the first time in forever. My heart was alive, aching with love, blissful in the dark of the morning, blessed rain against the window. I drifted like a boat on the sea of serenity, in and out of dreams, and every time I would meet him again, just as much in love. When the day finally called me from sleep and into the waking, I was almost drunk with gratitude and ardor. How in the world did I ever live without remembering this-- without feeling my heart singing like this from the pure truth of what I now knew once more? I know LOVE again, and simultaneously, I KNOW WHO I AM because of it-- within it, for it. I cannot exist without Love. Nothing can, but... God keeps reminding me just HOW essential it is, especially to me, who has ALWAYS been defined by the heart.
So... that's what happened today, to say the least. God sent me my blue angel, to bring my soul back home to heaven. And by that grace, that is where I will stay.

godmechanic:

whats everybody’s favorite religious art trope. mine is the annunciation hands down

 

HEARTS (esp. starkly exposed and/or glowing), powerfully expressed emotions, Christ’s Passion & wounds, unusual art styles (esp. vaporwave/ “web art” edits), art that is more “symbol” than scene, halos in unusual colors & designs, colorful angel wings, SERAPHIM, those little childlike angels that appear in paintings to ‘comment on’ the scene, those other angels that appear to specifically comfort Christ (AND catch the Blood of Christ in chalices), the Hand of God, and the Eucharist represented as kissing Jesus.

Some examples!

Basically, if it breaks my heart open to God in some way, I love it.

“whatsoever you do to the least of my people”
all our fellow human souls
discipleship in the simplest, most genuine way– love and service and prayer for the other souls in this world, all beloved of God.

“under the weight of the wood”
lord, let me dry your tears
seeing the sufferings of the lord and aching at heart to relieve them in whatever way possible

Posting this as we no longer have a profile on this site but we're not sure who wrote this and publicity-intended self-descriptions are always interesting.


My self-summary
I have virtually no idea how to write a profile dude, just scroll on down and see what we've got.

★I am biologically female (for now) but I identify as AGENDER/ ANDROGYNOUS with a transmasculine edge, and I am taking hormones for this purpose.
I go by they/them or xe/xir pronouns.
I am also ASEXUAL and no I do not need to be cured.
That's all important so it's right up top.

★I am mainly seeking "friends," or at least, people with imaginations and a bright love of the world, who are willing to associate with someone like me. I operate best as a sidekick, or a listener, or something close to an imaginary friend. I am mostly invisible but that is because my vitality is expressed internally. I have a strong and caring heart even if I am quiet or confused.
If you are willing to share light and wonder with someone then I would be happy to try my best for you.

★I am currently seeking ANYONE who identifies as female/ predominantly feminine, ideally someone who is genderqueer and/or transgender like myself.
I currently have no interest in male-identified individuals, sorry dudes.

★To be sincere and straightforward, I'm rather poor at self-summaries because my "sense of self" is nebulous.
I have at least one mental health diagnosis that plays heavily into this, which I cannot hide entirely and so I also must disclose that up-front.
(This diagnosis effectively defines my life, for both good and ill, and so I apologize for the flatness of this profile in its absence.)
I do not feel 25, nor do I "identify" as such, having lost a lot of time due to psychological distress. I'm really somewhere between 13 and 21 mentally, approximately.

If you have questions, or are curious about something I have not disclosed or discussed, please ask. I am not sure what to state here without overly embellishing things, or presenting myself in a way that is not wholly correct. So do not be afraid to inquire.

This profile may, by extension, be "inapplicable" to other facets of myself/ourself. I will try to minimize the possibility of mixed-up communication.


What I’m doing with my life
Self-analysis and improvement, mainly.
I am also very spiritual/religious (differentiation is hazy for me), and although I feel my practice is utterly inadequate as of yet.
Psychospiritual progress is the #1 priority in my life, no matter how I may stumble in that process.

I am an artist at heart, but I am still trying to find a medium and method that I can use without psychological difficulty. At the moment, I mostly enjoy digital coloring.
I compose music digitally as well, which I enjoy immensely, once I have a song that needs to be written.
Most of all, I write. About 85% of it is a "mental health journal" at this point, but that's practically a novel already (there are thousands of pages).
However I also have several hundred pages of worldbuilding work for at least 10 fantasy/sci-fi stories I am working on. This is arguably my true joy, although it is also devastatingly overwhelming at times. I would not lose it for the world, as it means more to me than anything else tangible in it.

I am currently unsure what to do for a career. I pursued art before but my mental state did not allow for it. I may try again.
In any case my present life timeframe is concern enough. I am taking life one day at a time currently, but I am still pondering possibilities. I do strive for a future.
My biggest complaint is how I feel pressured to put a "dollar sign" on my life. If my existence is not "marketable," I am to feel useless. This is agitating and I am striving to find a way out of it, to be able to survive in this world and market without further sacrificing my health to do so.


I’m really good at
Seeing hope and light. I don't lose faith even when life is collapsing. This can be ironically hellish at times, but it is truly my biggest strength and biggest weakness all at once.

I would hope I am good at internal work, for lack of a better term. I regularly shock my psychologists with how much self-attained knowledge I initially enter the room with. I find it funny but I learn even more having to explain everything all over to different people.

I would also say I am good at my creative pursuits, although my opinion of "good" may not "measure up" to what others label as such. I love my work and it expresses my imagination adequately enough for now. But I put my heart into it and that, for me, is true good.

(My weakest point is, ironically, character-building. I find it hard to understand a great deal of "normal social life" so what I consider "identifiable" may not make sense to many others. I therefore feel pressured to conform, and this is draining the enjoyment out of my work. Nevertheless I am trying to quit this toxic 'obligation.')

I'm good at speaking, perhaps? I'm told I have rather intelligent and articulate speech, although I feel I am babbling most of the time. I'm better with words when I have time to structure and understand them.

Lastly, I am unfortunately good at "meeting expectations." Partly because of my mental state, I have learned how to guess at social situations to the point where it almost becomes a game. This has allowed me to survive in many situations but it is blatantly dishonest and that hurts personally.
I am a kind person and I love people, but it is exhausting and saddening to not be able to be truly 'genuine' as that is often 'not accepted' or 'too unusual.' In my small community, those labels fit a great many things, unfortunately.
So I would warn you, when attempting a conversation with me. Do not hold me to constant eye contact or nice language. I communicate and listen better when I do not have to conform to what is considered "proper performance."
I am a good listener even if I do not know how to express a response. People are fascinating and I am still learning about others, although at times it can be scary.


Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
★Books: Fahrenheit 451, His Dark Materials, Young Wizards, A Wind In The Door, I Lucifer, Animorphs
I read a lot of research books, especially about symbols and their application. I also read religious texts when I feel capable of doing so.

★Webcomics: Paranatural, Cucumber Quest, Subnormality, O Human Star, The Last Cowboy, Monster's Garden, Homestuck, etc.

★Movies: Inception, Ferngully, Men In Black, Metropolis (Rintaro), I Robot, The Brave Little Toaster, The Lego Movie
I especially love Don Bluth animation.
I don't get to see a lot of movies and I need to be careful with them, but they are interesting.

Music: I especially like the following genres:
★Neo-progressive rock (FROST*, It Bites, Karmakanic, The Reign of Kindo, The Dear Hunter, The Flower Kings, Unitopia, etc.)
★Choral/choir music, esp. in Latin or when "electronified" (John Rutter, Mack Wilberg, Eric Whitacre, Dale Warland, Paul Schwartz, Forss, etc.)
★Video game OSTs (Nier, Final Fantasy, Klonoa, NiGHTS, Sonic, etc.) (Masashi Hamauzu is my favorite.)
★"Chillout" (Chad Valley, Toro y Moi, Bon Iver, Washed Out, Baths, Lapalux, etc.)
★Other: Todd Rundgren, Mesita, Ed Harcourt, James Blake, SOHN, Son Lux, Everything Everything, As Tall As Lions, Cousteau, Antony & the Johnsons, Ben Folds Five, Daley, Rufus Wainwright, etc.

I normally do not like broadly listing genres as I gravitate more towards specific sounds and vibes than I do general styles.
Musicals (both stage and screen) fascinate me as an art form but I don't like the sound of most of them. I love Razia's Shadow, Flight!, and Phantom of the Opera. I am trying to listen to more.
I could talk about music a lot. It's a very significant experience for me.

★The only TV shows I watch are Gravity Falls & Steven Universe.
I used to watch TV as a youth but I have sparse memory of it.

★Food really doesn't faze me much, I have a limited diet and am recovering from some severe eating disorder concerns.
Mainly, if it's green, or drowning in spices, I will like it.
Best things: curry powder, cucumbers, lettuce, KABOCHA SQUASH.


The six things I could never do without
I try to do without a lot. Minimal possessions are ideal.

Currently my most important "things" are:
1. my paper tablets (for art and graphing)
2. my laptop (for digital work)
4. the forest around my house (proven to be a need)

Of course it is good to have a place to live, at least a place to safely sleep at night. Basic survival requirements are understood to be needed.

Things I like having but do not "need":
1. my iPod (for music)
2. library cards (books!)
3. childhood plush unicorn
4. an Xbox (to play Nier and Dishonored)

Last but not least, I could never live without everyone else inside.
I have tried multiple times, and their irreplaceability has been proven just as frequently.


I spend a lot of time thinking about
Trauma recovery/ healing, creative brainstorming.
I also do a lot of sensory observing; things like colors and textures are really incredible and I can easily become enthralled with just those.

I think about COLORS a lot. I love colors.
I also love shapes, geometry, numbers, etc. in a more symbolic manner. I want to go back to studying math.
I also love music and sound, but I need to educate myself more on its technical side before I can fully appreciate it as I wish to.

Otherwise, I try not to think wantonly as it burns me out!
Also, thinking is never a one-person affair for me, so that alone gets overwhelming.
I meditate whenever possible. If all else fails, I will just listen to music.


On a typical Friday night I am
Getting through the night, really. It's always hardest from about 8pm-11pm. After that we're golden.
My mind splits days into threes and the transitions are tricky.

Ideally I am just typing and/or reading, or working on music.


You should message me if
★ You are okay with me being asexual and will not "test" this
★ You are okay with me not being romantic and will not pressure this
★ You are okay with me (us, really) having a "mental disorder" (awful term really, it's given us more order than "normalcy" ever did)
★ You want to!

Also. Please don't force me to instantly reply or "keep a conversation going" just for the sake of talking.
With too many words to answer I quickly feel trapped and agitated, as the amount of information processing I have to do is overwhelming.
I am better with describing things, or listing information, or brainstorming topics. I know that's not really "conversation" but I'm used to living in an environment where I'm just the go-to data guy anyway.
So yes, please let me know whether or not you want us to answer right away, if at all. (I'm okay with just listening too.)

I apologize as communication is not my strong suit. However I am a good listener and I will read everything you send me, whether I feel capable of replying formally or not.

Thanks for reading this profile!

Do your alter colors mean anything? If so, what?
Alter colors are most obviously tied to function. For example, all Red voices deal with creativity, and independence, and passion. All Violet voices deal with truth, and integrity, and self-knowledge. All Pink voices deal with innocence, graciousness, and affection. So on and so forth.
Every alter must “anchor” into a color in order to manifest internally (gaining a name, face, etc.). You can’t force a color switch after one anchors, but it can happen, especially if an alter’s inner “purpose” doesn’t truly match the color they’re currently in (this happened with Josephina, Lynne, and Nathaniel in the past).

That’s the most I can tell you for sure, though! The colors in our System have immense meaning, both by themselves and when applied to alters, but we haven’t been able to pinpoint the exact extent of those meanings. It may not even be possible; things shift constantly in here.

Do any of your meatspace friends know about your multiplicity/DID/MPD? If so do they address your alters as different people?
We've had a rather isolated life, as we live in the country and have never had much of a need to socialize even online. However, yes, our closest friends (at least 5) do know we have D.I.D., although only three of them have ever spoken to different System members (two of them even spoke to several of us in person). Regardless they all acknowledge and address us all as our own people, which we are very grateful for.

If/when your body was in school, what subjects attracted which alters?
We were just starting to become aware of our condition when college started (we had to drop out as a result), and high school was almost entirely lost to dissociation, so unfortunately we can't answer this question.

What kind of skills do your alters have on the inside that don’t manifest on the outside? Does this frustrate them?
All of the Retributors and Centralites have skills with weaponry, but for the most part that doesn't manifest outwards at all. The Centralites aren't bothered by it (their weapon usage is only for the inner world), but the Retributors can get notably shaken if they find the body is clumsy or otherwise unwieldy with their signature armaments.
Then of course you have the few members that have elemental or energy-based abilities, such as Javier (fire) and Leon (ice). This of course does not manifest on the outside, but the fact that such abilities are rarely used even upstairs keeps much dissonance from occurring.


Do system members ever play games outworld with each other?
Very rarely. We used to play Rock Band 3 and Soul Calbur 4 with each other, due to the extensive avatar customization, but we no longer have free access to an XBox so that's not really an option as of late.
To say a little more, though, we're really not 'game' people in general? Like the idea of playing games for recreation was always foreign, even to the child cores. Maybe that was because of context, whenever the downstairs family played games it was forced or stressful. So we never enjoyed it. For our earliest cores, 'fun' was being alone and often in our own head, and/or lost in the woods. Still is really.
Nevertheless, now that we're trying to find a safer environment in the external world, we may start trying to interact with each other within it. 'Outworld' stuff is still mostly alien to us.

What does your inner world look like?
Our inner world was dealt a massive blow back in December from which it is still recovering. Since we are rebuilding at the moment, I will answer this according to what it was like up until that event.
In short, how it looks depends on where you are. The main area is a coastal city like New York, except rather small in size (the entire city is compact into about the space of a small town), and it is surrounded by forests-- to the west are deciduous forests, while to the east are more tropical forests, as far as we can tell. Admittedly we didn't get to explore much of those areas before the December incident.


Do any of your alters play musical instruments?
Some of us do, but it's mostly internal. We have highly limited access to instruments downstairs, and the body is only schooled in piano and violin. All cores have access to that information (Jay, Jewel, etc.), as do all music voices (Zwei, Einsatz, etc.). Some music alters also sing, but that is tied to body dysphoria and some traumatic situations so it is becoming rare nowadays.
Internally, though, for the most part people just "channel" sounds through themselves in the form of resonant instruments. So that obviously doesn't translate into the physical.
In that sense, Lynne plays violin & cello, Javier plays piano, Laurie plays electric guitar, Waldorf likes synthesizers, and Spine is our percussionist. Everyone else isn't as specific and/or strongly tied to music.

How do you and your other parts communicate? Do you have an inner world or "brain dumps"?
We have a very complex inner world, and have since the very beginning. It's also tied, by distant extension, to a network of other "inner worlds" that Jewel and Jay write for.
"Brain dumps" are relatively new, as for us they are managed by alters-- there are four Archivists who have access to memory/data continuity and therefore they help prevent total confusion in new, or sudden, fronters.

What are your favorite and least favorite parts of having multiple people in your head?
We are all grateful for the knowledge that, through hard-won experience and constant growth, we can always deal with what life throws at us, one way or another. However, the best aspect of this 'condition' is definitely the deep friendships and equally deep love (on both personal and community levels) within the System.
The worst bit is when the "bad" voices appear (which we are strongly suspecting are not part of our inner world at all, and may even be external), or when System people are badly triggered (esp. the children). Some of us also dislike the fact that it's not 'safe or appropriate' for us to switch out most of the time, although most of our members are perfectly fine with that fact.


What is the age range between all of your parts?
Age is something none of us really understand, as we base our 'ages' on the dates we first appeared in the System-- none of us are older than 17 in that respect.
We see human age as four chunks of appearance-based variety: childhood, young adulthood, adulthood, and old age (with the third part being the most baffling). We have at least three children and teens, and the rest of us are 'adults' although none of us could give you an age if you asked.
Nonhuman members, such as Infinitii and CZ, eschew the concept of age altogether.

Do any of the parts do better in some areas of daily life than others? What are they?
Absolutely. Most of us are built for internal living, so for such individuals physical life can be confusing at best and disturbing at worst.
We all fail at communication, for various reasons, outside of the therapist's office-- and even there many of us cannot figure out how to speak aloud.

What different religions are present in your system? How does everyone practice their own beliefs?
The vast majority of us do not have any 'religion' to speak of. Christina Marie is the marked exception, and she is a Roman Catholic, the religion the body was raised as. Unfortunately our initial experiences with those teachings were brutal and rather negative, and that sort of "fire and brimstone" mindset is what Christina holds on to as well as the brighter things we all still treasure in our own right. We're currently helping both her and the other traumatized members of our System rise above that ancient self-damning mindset, but morally-based pain is the hardest to alleviate. It's a process.
As a long-term result of that-- we spent years "soul-searching" and dabbling in many different religions-- none of us really currently 'practice' any beliefs in a religious sense. Dogma, creed and ritual are alien to us. However the very function of our System requires that, for everything to work as it should, we all must live according to our best qualities, and for the good of the all, however that may individually be expressed.
Our System was created in order to protect, to heal, and to survive. Trauma may indeed have been our starting point, but by our very definition, we were never supposed to promote or prolong that negativity. Therefore, virtues such as forgiveness, compassion, courage, respect, responsibility, community, charity, and love, are what our System survives on. Without them, we lose coherence and health both, and begin to fracture.
We don't subscribe or affiliate with any specific religion, but we can see the same roots of our System in every religion we've yet encountered, and so we feel no need to label and limit our constantly evolving perspective concerning those roots as a result.


What's a sure way to cheer up the five last fronters?
Let's see, according to our notes from therapy this week, that would be… Jay, Laurie, Algorith, Wreckage, and Sherlock. Nice bunch.
Jay is our current Core. He's sparkly-eyed by nature, so it's rather easy to cheer him up, but he struggles with self-identity so he doesn't have many concrete interests. However, the creative work he shares with Jewel will have him grinning in an instant.
Laurie is the Protector of our System. She's very chill and doesn't dwell on negatives unnecessarily.
Algorith and Wreckage are both Retributors, which means they're frequently non-cheery by definition of their job. Algorith likes hiphop music though. Wreckage is trickier; she only calms down when she is 100% sure that those under her care are safe, so if you show concretely that you are not a threat and offer to help with such safety, she'll be happy.
Sherlock, our main Archivist, is an analytical fellow who spends all his time in a gigantic techno-library of sorts. Despite this he is very approachable. I'm sure if you showed any interest in the archives, especially as a question, he'd immediately start on an info-dump for that topic-- rather enthusiastically, I might add.


What genders are represented in your system? How does the body present? Does this create any problems for the system members of different genders?
As stated here, due to early trauma, only two or three of our members are biologically sexual, and even those who are humanoid don't quite understand the application of gender as a solid concept. For us, "male" and "female" pertain to pronouns and presentation alone, for the most part, and all of us are fine with at least being referred to as one or the other, for simplicity's sake.
General identifications are as follows (roughly= gender markers indicate binary pronoun preferences only):
Female♀: Aimee, Jewel, Lynne, Amara, Bridget, Missy, Christina, "the singer"
Male♂: Jayce, Garrison, Sergei, the GMQ trio, Markus, Leon
Bigender: Josephina♂, Xenophon♀, Amara
Pangender: Julie♀, Infinitii♂
Genderqueer: Kalisha♀, Javier♂, Waldorf♀, CZ♂, Knife♂, Isadora♀, Jeremiah♂, Pinstripe♂, Mr. Sandman♂
Androgyne: Nathaniel♂, Kyanos♂, Rio♂, Genesis♂
Agender: Jay♂, Laurie♀, Zwei♀, Einsatz♂, Spice♀, Cannon♀, Hyakin♂, Overload♀, Sugar♀, Mulberry♀, Sherlock♂, "airport"♂
Nongendered species: Spine♀, Algorith♀, Wreckage♀, Emmett♂, Cel♀, "the bear," ♂ "the destroyer," ♀ "mermaid"♀
Too young to bother: Minty♀, Razor♀, Simeon♂, Marigold♀, David♂
Unknown: "honeybee," ♀ "dead red," ♂ "victorian pink," ♀ "oni girl"♀, etc.


Are there any nonhumans in your system? If so what kind?
Technically, we're all "nonhuman." Our term of "headvoice" also works as a species name, for lack of a better term, and applies to all of us, both humanoid and beastly, as we all function similarly at heart. However, yes, most of us still pass for humans at a glance, albeit painted in technicolor hues of course.
As for those who are obviously not humanoid, we have a decent amount, although again they are not the majority-- which is admittedly a shock, as our original hosts had almost exclusively internal lives and therefore associated constantly with nonhumans. However said nonhumans were tied to an entirely different sort of inner world than ours, and therefore that massive split in function likely contributed to us appearing far more human than those non-traumatized individuals.

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@ 11:53 pm

3. tattoos i have
8. top 5 (insert subject)
9. tattoos i want
13. life goal(s)
16. favorite movie
17. a fact about my life
20. anything you want to ask

etothefifth asked: 16!

Aha this is the toughest question.
I don’t watch many movies, and I even tend to only remember them if they have some sort of creative impact on me— if not, I’ll probably forget it entirely.
On such film that has stayed with me for years is Metropolis— specifically the one based off the manga by Osamu Tezuka.
Of course I loved the artwork, setting, and characters, but the plot is what caught me the most strongly. It deals with a future society in which robots are commonplace, but are basically seen as cheap mechanical labor. However, many ‘bots display a sort of rudimentary but obvious awareness of their existence. Thus many ethical questions arise, around politics and morality mostly. Then a political figurehead tries to put a robot in power! Tensions rise and explode into revolution, and ultimately the fate of the entire world hangs in the balance.
It’s fascinating really. I have a real soft spot for that sort of thing (at least two of my personal creative series deal with similar concepts) so of course I was immediately hooked.
Honestly though I LOVE Tima, she is really dear to me as a character. I won’t tell you about her because spoilers, but she’s fantastic. (Duke Red is also ridiculously pretty and despite his flaws I like him a lot.)
This is also the first movie that made me weep openly at the ending, both from shock and emotional impact. So that’s notable.
Other movies I remember fondly are Inception, Rise of the Guardians, A.I.,
and Pokemon 3: Spell of the Unown (really).

celestriakle asked: 3/9 (idk if you have or want any tattoos; if no, top 5 shapes) 16 17

I don’t have any tattoos, but I’ve been wanting to get at least one since I started high school! What I’d get is still undecided, although these have been the longest-running ideas:
1. The personal symbols for all our System’s “Outspacers” up the inside of my left arm.
2. The personal symbols for the Guardians in Dream World up the inside of my right arm.
3. "Chaos is power, enriched by the heart" right in the middle of my chest. (No one is surprised)
4. Laurie once wanted me to get “Vigilance” on my right hand and “Compassion” on my left, I think.
5. FROST* lyrics, somewhere. Cliche, maybe, but Black Light Machine did have a massive impact on my life progression so I kind of feel indebted.
6. If I ever feel like being daring as hell, I’d get that weird “lotus mark” on my lower abdomen (that I have in headspace) tattooed. Infi would be proud.
Mainly, any and all tattoos I’d get would have to do with either headspace, or the Leagueworlds. They’re the only things in my life that have proved to be ‘permanent’ enough to merit a similar physical representation.
Top 5 shapes though, you know me too well! For whatever reason I am completely enamored with geometric shapes.
Unsurprisingly the simplest answer to this question is to Google “sacred geometry.” All that stuff is like liquid gold to my eyes; I could stare at it for hours and I know that because I have, haha.
As for more general shapes:
Hearts(❤) and stars(★) are up top, as they are my personal motif. Symbolically they’re both fascinating as well.
I actually really like diamonds(♦). They’re very elegant, but they have a feeling of authority or respect to them. Triangles are also awesome but diamonds are less ‘harsh’ in essence. (Synesthetically, for me triangles are usually lime green and diamonds are dodger blue.)
Crosses are also super cool (+). They’re perfectly balanced, but almost iconic. My favorite thing about them is their symmetry, and the fact that they feel mathematical instead of just visual. It’s hard to explain but I really like it.
Lastly I’m just going to say SPHERES, if they count. I especially like holding spherical things; their surface area feels almost infinite, how it just flows nonstop. It’s super cool.
I just answered 16 for etothefifth, so lastly here’s a fact (or three) about my life.
First off, most basic: I live in Pennsylvania. (I don’t know if that was ever said here.) It’s pretty great; there are trees everywhere and we virtually never have severe weather. Plus we get LOTS of snow in the winter.
I lived in Utah for about 6 months total, right on the edge of SLC, and although I loved that too I could never last very long in a city environment. I need solitude, rolling hills, and green things; the desert does not mesh well with me.
I don’t remember most of my life prior to age 18 (thanks DID) so I can’t answer this question very well. But I guess that’s a fact too.
And now I’m going to give you facts about my parents because why not! (They basically define my ‘external life’ anyway, so.)
My dad is a really boss auto restoration mechanic. His work is meticulous. He used to draw pinstripe flames all over my tablets in elementary school; I loved it. He loves classic and blues rock, and introduced me to Todd Rundgren, Jeff Beck, and Queen, as well as many other fantastic artists. He has a ridiculously good memory for musical data, often around the histories of his favorite artists, which is always interesting to listen to. He’s also INCREDIBLE at building things. Honestly this guy will completely reupholster and refurnish his apartment for fun. He will build his own furniture AND do the floors/ walls/ electricity by hand, all with professional quality and precision. He has the patience of a saint. He’s a super cool and chill dude overall; I have a ton of respect for him.
My mom is a wannabe movie star but she’s worked at a hospital for 20 years (respiratory; she literally saves lives weekly). She’s a fairy princess at heart (dead serious) and I admire the fact that she has never lost that sparkly-eyed wonder and enthusiasm for life. She used to paint, but she still writes poetry and song lyrics, sometimes even for my music (which is really awesome). She’s a major foodie; she is always cooking and trying new recipes. She loves to travel too, just to see what’s out there. Most of all she has got one hell of an eye for design, in both art and fashion. She does tons of crafts in her spare time, from scratch, because “I just had an idea and wanted to see if I could do it.” And she always does! She has no fear of expressing herself and she has boundless care for those dear to her.


pojoisnowit asked: 8. top 5 happiest/most inspiring moments of your life 13. life goal(s)16. favorite movie 17. a fact about my life and 20. who do you look up to and why?

16 and 17 were already answered, so let me answer 20 first.

I’m not sure if I’ve ever really “looked up to” anyone. Even as a child, I never had any role models, and the concept was foreign to me. Sure, there were people I admired for various reasons— notably my grandmother, for her care and unfailing determination, and my favorite creative minds, for the sort of work they were able to produce— but I didn’t aspire to any of them.

Hm. Honestly if I “look up to” anyone, it would be my theoretical “future self.” Who I could be if I continue to try my hardest. I look at everything I admire in others, and instead of holding that above my own head, I always think: "with enough time and effort, I could accomplish that same thing. I could be that same way. If I truly want it, all I have to do is genuinely pursue it, and I will reach that goal." So I look up to myself. I want to be myself. I love and admire everything I am, and so I do not regret what I am not. I can always change that if I wish.
13, life goal(s). This is another question I’ve never quite been able to answer, because I’ve never really given much concrete thought as to the “future.” It was a foreign concept for much of my childhood, and when I got older I was always so focused on the here-and-now that it remained as such.
However, it’s been a constant that I do want to “complete and publicize” my creative works someday, however that manifests. I want to get them out there, in the hands of other people. Simple as that.
In the bigger picture though, I want to heal all this internal nonsense I’ve been ‘struggling with’ for years. Headspace has made massive progress on that recently, but the oldest roots are the toughest. However we won’t give up. That’s really my only goal… continue to grow, continue to shine brighter, continue to open up and love more. I want to be a warrior of the spirit, essentially. I want to be a powerful but compassionate example of everything the System and I work towards accepting more fully, all that good stuff. Really it’s more about “realizing” than “becoming;” it’s just getting out of my own way, taking the blinders off, letting go of all the excess nonsense that just holds me back. It just ‘takes time,’ as it were. So if that counts as a life ‘goal,’ then there it is!

Now for my top 5 happiest and/or most inspiring moments, not events. Hm.

1. I have to mention July 7th 2011, even if it’s the ‘obvious answer’ and even if it was more than just one moment. It just had such incredible, far-reaching aftereffects, because of how inspiring and joyful it ultimately was.
2. Similarly, October 2nd 2012. The “if you were waiting for a sign” moment, specifically the look of incredulous joy in response to it. You personally know all about that one, as it happened right in your apartment and thank you both for allowing us that opportunity. Honestly even though I don’t remember that entire year, there is this crushingly tangible bliss tied to that memory bank nonetheless and I cannot ever deny that.
3. The moment I first saw a certain completed art commission back in October 2009, which basically knocked my heart right out of the ballpark, good Lord. Honestly I still can’t look at it without smiling like a lovestruck idiot; it’s great.
4. Summer 2011, logging into my old Facebook account and seeing a message that I had dreamed of but never expected. Her exact words still glow in my heart, and I smile every time I think of that one tiny but astronomical communication between us.
5. The exact look on Laurie’s face at the end of this conversation. It was the first time I ever saw her smile like that, and I’ll never forget it.
Now it is 3AM and I am falling asleep standing up, so that’s it for tonight.

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@ 11:58 pm

*AGGRESSIVELY TRIES TO FIGURE OUT HIS FAN GEN DETAILS*
Really though I'm probably trying too hard, you know me.
It's just that I want to dive headfirst into this community at long last (it's been a decade already) and all the lovely art and updates in the Engelbaum tag are a clarion call at this point, haha.

Anyway. I've always felt a powerful pull towards White, with Pink a close second and Amber following. However, if my Gen is effectively "the chaotic part of yourself that is normally suppressed," they are going to end up being quite a handful, if our previous System Cores are any indication. So I'm not sure what color that collective attitude would 'canonically' mesh with? There's a lot of wiggle room, so to speak. I guess we'll have to wait and see.
In any case it gives me an excuse to do more soul-searching, which is arguably my favorite pastime. my therapist will be proud

Name's J. Some call me Jewel. Most know me as spinningcannon.
I'm a writer/ composer/ artist, a plural system host, and a fragile-minded, warm-hearted anomaly. Life fascinates me, completely.
I'm a righteous renegade and an indomitable creator... a dreamer, a vagabond, and a child at heart. I feel love for everything and am still far too naive.
I am a perpetual anomaly in the world.

I'm an icy soul of fire with my head in the clouds and my feet on the ground.
I have a serious obsession with monsters, symbolism, the human condition, and the otherworldly.
I'm in love with Chaos Zero and I'm a part-time Celebi. My superego is my best friend.
I see the world very differently... I'm unusual, and my life is more than a little strange, but I have a good heart, honest. We all do.
I try to live righteously and love as selflessly as I can.

I'm not the most updated page here, and I'm never the most popular, but I'll do what I can to inspire those who stop by.

I hope you find something to remember here.

My name is J.
I am addicted to catharsis, to anomalies, to moments that transcend reality.
I'm an asexual neutrois, a polyamorous schizoid and heaven only knows what else.
I'm an indomitable soul and I live to inspire.

Music is what I live on.
It is a voice for the words I cannot pronounce... an expression of the thoughts and emotions no words could do justice.
It connects the world, really. Music and love; how awesome is that?

This site is one of the best things the Internet has ever brought to me.
If you stumbled across my page, do say hello!

Name's Jewel... you know, spinningcannon.
I spend my days wandering through cities of thought and oceans of possibility, reaching out to change what lives I may encounter.
I'm a perpetual anomaly, yes. I'm also a dreamer, a thinker, a creator, a vagabond, and a child at heart. I try to live righteously and I love as selflessly as I can.

I'm a fiery and upbeat indomitable soul with my head in the clouds and my feet on the ground.
I'm asexual, neutrois, a part-time Celebi furry, and more than a little off in the head.
I see the world very differently... I'm unusual but I'm a good kid, honest.

I'm not the most updated page here, and I'm never the most popular, but I'll do what I can to inspire those who stop by.

I hope you find something to remember here.

I did this on my LJ once, remember? Fun times.

Anyway. Speaking of LJ...

I lost this very unique and thoughtful profile entry when I decided it was too long a few months ago.
However, it is still true.


Here it is, for the final time, a description of me.





My name is Jewel Lightraye.

I have an open heart and a broken soul... a curious mind and a life to give.

I am loved, I am shunned.
I am looked up to, I am talked down to.
I am young and old at the same time.

I'm a wandering dreamer who hides her sorrow behind a smile.
I'm in love with the world.
I'm a polyamorous asexual celibate.
I'm FTN.
I'm a devoted Christian.
I try to never judge anyone.
I believe nothing is impossible.
I live to touch the souls of others and change them for the better.
I've been an avid musician for fifteen years.
I've been known to lock myself in my room and cry for the children on the other side of the world.
I have seen the devil.
I have spoken with angels.
I fall in love with monsters.
I am a slave to no id.
I am inspired by everything.
I adore nature and everything in it.
I spend most of my time writing and musing.
I have a severe case of oneirataxia.
I am an empath.
I have a limitless imagination.
I see monsters in tile floors.
I audibly talk to myself in public.
I am scared to death of offending others.
I respect every one of your opinions.
I am trusting to a fault.
I'm constantly under high amounts of stress.
I am very high-strung and cry easily.
I am severely unstable upstairs.
I love to read espionage novels.
I am addicted to gemstones and cathedrals.
I treasure each of my memories.
I sing when no one is listening.
I cannot hold grudges.
I'm a world-wise optimist.
I can daydream for hours on end.
I am admired by children.
I smile at strangers on the street.
I love silence and solitude.
I am a hope bringer.
I am connected to every soul that ever was.
I talk too much.
I like hitting the enter key.
I consider everyone my closest friend.
I would die for you.
I bleed dreams.
I want to be the best person I possibly can be.
I want to change the world in a very big way.


I was put here in this life to move the hearts of others.
I was put here in this world to make a difference.
I was put here in your life to give you a little light.


Live in love and love your life.
Never stop dreaming, and keep believing.

The sun is always shining, even behind the clouds.
Keep this hope in your heart and keep on walking down the road.

Don't give up, don't give in
Every pain will have its end.
Life is long and life is hard
But I'll be there if you need a friend.



Just remember, the name's spinningcannon.

Look for me in your dreams.

I'll be the one wandering.