prismaticbleed: (Default)


2025 Tue Mar 25 1:02 PM


I'M FEELING = INADEQUATE & TROUBLED

WHY = Vocation concerns.
Am I even able? What is my purpose?
Am I too sick in the head to serve God?

Still haunted by Father P's warning. Can I be forgiven if I'm struggling with my weakness so badly? I'm so afraid of death.

Still scared of mom constantly giving me food. Why does it all register as poison?
Why can't I just get better?

Still sick.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Couch,Spiritual Reading;Just Woke Up;Praying;Sick

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2025 Tue Mar 25 10:02 PM


I'M FEELING = SCARED & CHALLENGED

WHY = Mom gave us TWO meals.
We cannot destroy or purge them.
"Suffer rather than sin." That must be our motto.
"Eat what is set before you." Be humble like Christ.

Thursday, we will do it, by God's grace.

Also we MADE IT THROUGH TODAY SAFELY!! 1200K BRO!!

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;Phone Calls,Home;Kitchen;Phone,Talking To Mom;Meal Planning

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2025 Wed Mar 26 8:01 AM


I'M FEELING = AGITATED & DISGUSTED

WHY = I'm so upset and anxious and disgusted by the thought of eating moms food.
I'm going to give it back. I literally cannot calm down until its gone.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Outside,Meal Planning

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2025 Wed Mar 26 11:41 AM


I'M FEELING = EXHAUSTED & STRESSED

WHY = I am so incredibly tired, both physically and mentally.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Kitchen;Main Room,Cleaning;Meal Planning;Day Scheduling

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2025 Thu Mar 27 4:01 PM


I'M FEELING = TRAPPED & AGITATED

WHY = Horrifically insistent OCD loops.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;Praying To Jesus,Home;Cleanup Room,OCD Rituals;Getting Ready To Eat

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2025 Fri Mar 28 4:26 AM


I'M FEELING = MISERABLE & DISTRESSED

WHY = Hack nightmares and hot flashes.
Can't sleep.
Miserable.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Couch,Trying To Sleep;Sick;Trauma Ruminating

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2025 Fri Mar 28 11:26 PM


I'M FEELING = MISERABLE & DESOLATE

WHY = Another nightmare of a day.

I don't have the strength to do this anymore.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;With The System,Home;Kitchen;Cleanup Room,Cleaning;Going To Bed;Recovering;Sick

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2025 Sat Mar 29 12:54 PM


I'M FEELING = CHALLENGED & SCARED

WHY = Trying to hit 1300k today because our weight keeps going down.
Scared, but going to do our best.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home;Kitchen,Meal Planning;Getting Ready For Church;Getting Ready To Eat

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2025 Sat Mar 29 6:21 PM


I'M FEELING = CONTENT & HAPPY

WHY = It's raining.
Church was beautiful.
I'm finally understanding Galatians.
I'm surprisingly inspired by music talk with mom.
I get to eat dinner.
God is good.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;With The System,Home;Table,Eating;Reading Scripture;Watching The Rain

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2025 Sat Mar 29 11:53 PM


I'M FEELING = DEFEATED & DEAD INSIDE

WHY = Damned carrots.

I was so close to winning today. I almost made it through safely. But no. I lost again.

I feel so sick.
I'm numb from the horror of it all.

God help me what do I even do?

Maybe it's NOT ""doing.""
Maybe I need to surrender more.
Maybe only God can fix me.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Kitchen,Physical Pain;Going To Bed;Meal Planning;Recovering;Sick

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2025 Sun Mar 30 7:30 AM


I'M FEELING = HOMESICK & LONGING

WHY = Beautiful heartspace dreams with Jesus and Celebi.
My heart aches with beauty & liberty i can't seem to have in the waking.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Heartspace,Just Woke Up;With The System;Dreaming

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2025 Sun Mar 30 12:41 PM


I'M FEELING = BURNED OUT & THANKFUL

WHY = 4½ hours in church!!

CONTEXT TAGS = In Public,Outside,Getting Ready For The Day;Getting Ready To Eat

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2025 Sun Mar 30 9:10 PM


I'M FEELING = ACCOMPLISHED & GRATEFUL

WHY = Ate 1350k, KEPT IT DOWN despite intense panic & temptation to BP, and did lots of Scripture study. THANK YOU GOD!

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Going To Bed;Day Scheduling

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2025 Sun Mar 30 10:06 PM


I'M FEELING = DISTRACTED & ENCOURAGED

WHY = Life responsibilities are becoming overwhelming. There is a lot that needs to be done soon, that we've been neglecting.
We're putting it in God's Hands and going to sleep. We must trust that He will give us the strength, time, and ability to do what needs to be done.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home;Couch;Bedroom,Cleaning;Going To Bed;Meal Planning;Day Scheduling

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2025 Mon Mar 31 10:08 AM


I'M FEELING = HURTING & SUPPORTED

WHY = They are giving me... FLUIDS

CONTEXT TAGS = In Public,Doctor's Office,Physical Pain;Sick;Doctor's Appointment

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2025 Mon Mar 31 1:54 PM


I'M FEELING = ANXIOUS & ACCEPTED

WHY = So many medical procedures this week. My body feels very sick and WILL continue to be sick BECAUSE of the appointments. This is a very difficult cross to shoulder but it IS a sharing in Christ's suffering, so treasure this mysterious honor. Let it draw you into His Heart.

Every single person I've interacted with today has been so sweet to me. That means a great deal. I feel seen and cared for. It's deeply moving, to me.

CONTEXT TAGS = In Public,Commuting;Doctor's Office,Doctor's Appointment

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2025 Mon Mar 31 6:43 PM


I'M FEELING = APPREHENSIVE & EMPOWERED

WHY = Very scared of getting sick from food again.
But I'm being as brave & prudently as I can, and God is with me.
He WILL get me through tonight, if I trust Him, no matter what.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;Praying To Jesus,Home;Table,Eating;Reading Scripture

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2025 Mon Mar 31 11:49 PM


I'M FEELING = SPENT & TRAPPED

WHY = I cannot handle all these appointments.
Plus there's SO MUCH SHOPPING to do this month; our apartment is empty of almost everything.
But I'm dead tired. I'm not eating or sleeping well. I feel shredded to pieces.

I need to rest, desperately. But when?

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Couch,Going To Bed;Meal Planning;Day Scheduling


prismaticbleed: (spinel-remorse)
 
030125

BRO TYPE ABOUT THIS!!!!
https://biblehub.com/commentaries/maclaren/2_thessalonians/1.htm

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030925

Transgender "gender feeling" fallacy =
MY "DEFINITION" OF "FEMALE" IS BROKEN!!!!
I ONLY EVER "FEEL FEMALE/ LIKE A GIRL" WHEN I'M SINNING!!!
Similarly, the term "woman" is SO UGLY/ POISONOUS to me; calling myself a "woman" IS EQUAL TO SAYING "I AM A RAPIST/ ABUSER"

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031425

 TRAUMA NIGHTMARES =
ANGEL DUST AS A "PLACEHOLDER" FOR INFINITII!!!


ALL physical realities reflect deeper SPIRITUAL realities
"I don't need food" = rejecting SPIRITUAL food = GOD!!
REMEMBER THE EUCHARIST. BE CAREFUL!!
This is WHY God WON'T "erase" your hunger!! It reflects a TRUTH!

(Also BTW remember the dream around 0317(?) With Xander REDEEMED (angelic) helping me & grandpa??

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032025

Rosary visualization, unplanned =
My TRUEST INNER SELF is a HOLY CHILD about 7 YEARS OLD
And FEMALE

Jesus CAN GET ME OUT OF STAIRWELLS AND WALK THROUGH DOORS!!!

My "adult self image" CHANGES DRAMATICALLY BASED ON COLOR!!!
BROWN is TRAUMATIZED FEMALE SINNER GLUTTON.
RED is CANNON??
REDVIOLET?? is JEWEL LIGHTRAYE??
WHITE is "PRISM"?? ALSO "JAY"

CAN the Core hold OTHER colors???
Also DUOTONE!!!

BTW TILLY ACTUALLY HAS BLACK HAIR!!! SHE JUST WEARS A WHITE VEIL!!!


Today's devotional heavy hitters =
"When we love others, we are reflecting the love that God has for them. That is why it matters how we treat people. Our actions are a reflection of how God has loved us."
SO IF YOU DON'T LOVE OTHERS, YOU'RE DEMONSTRATING THAT YOU DON'T FEEL/ BELIEVE/ TRUST THAT GOD LOVES YOU.
It shows that YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT LOVE LOOKS LIKE.

"We love God by worshiping Him and praising Him. We love others by doing good to them and sharing with them.
How are you doing at loving God and loving others? Do you spend time each day in Scripture and prayer, praising God for who He is? If we don't love God first and foremost, we won't be able to truly love other people in our lives."

God has taken away all my "opportunities for service" because I AM UNFIT. I am too vicious & scandalous yet. I need to be HEALED first. (So God PLEASE HEAL ME)

For YEARS-- literally TWO DECADES-- I've been at war with my body, with sex, and with food. The three are synonymous, effectively. It's a hell I can't seem to escape from. And yet... looking back on both the Archives and what little "blind" trauma sensory memory i have access to, I am actually currently doing BETTER than I EVER have before. That seems bizarre, as it's still a living nightmare, but it's true. I thank the Lord God Almighty on my increasingly bony knees for that. I credit His Grace entirely, and therefore for getting me into daily Bible Study and Prayer, with Mass and Adoration whenever possible. The channels are open where they weren't in the past, not even for Tilly. That has made a world of difference.

...and yet I can't seem to stop, yet. Jesus keeps saying "it's your hunger" but He won't take it away because "I need it" for higher purposes too. "Same with desire" apparently, which i hate so keenly I'd murder it in sight but I guess it's hiding in this cursed ravenous destructive impulse that hits whenever I eat more than 500 calories a day.
It's not eating so much as it's annihilation, by the way. The main point of EVERY "binge" is to DESTROY the food. "Get rid of the threat/ danger/ enemy/ evil." The ONLY reason I even binged today is because we had carrots in the house, "bravely" tried one slice, then another, and then "poison panic" hit so "now we have to eat them all and throw them up" because apparently that's how you detox so you won't die from carrot infection. It's insane.

I hope to God we can get through the next three days "green." We mark the calendar now. This month has too many red "X-es". It's disturbing & depressing.
The rule is, I'm not allowed to sleep in bed until we get three clean days in a row. I had ONE bed day last month I think. Besides that, I literally haven't slept in my own bed since like... July.
That's really sad.

Does this count as a "cross" if it's literally a vice? Aren't crosses supposed to be "for good people"? How ironic. "Grandma was a wonderful, pure woman, with a clear conscience and a solid reputation for charity and good works. THEREFORE, she was given the heavy cross of lung cancer and severe neuropathy SO THAT her suffering would UNITE HER TO CHRIST and therefore GET HER TO HEAVEN." That's how I've always understood it.
On the contrary, "Jessica is a rebellious, self-willed, bratty, brazen girl who is cruel to her brothers and disobedient to her parents. She is a master manipulator, a spiteful bully, a petty thief, and a budding sadist. She will grow up into a violent, angry, useless waste of flesh, a dishonor and disgrace to her family. She will be a perverted whore, a robber of widows, a conpulsive liar, a heartless backstabber, a lazy dirty slob, and-- most of all-- a selfish, wasteful, destructive glutton. Her daily life is defined by sin. THEREFORE, Jessica DOESN'T GET A CROSS, because she doesn't deserve to suffer for Christ. Devils like her go straight to hell. She is rejected and isolated from the Church both on earth and in heaven. She gets no part of it. Nobody wants her. Only Satan wants her, to murder her for all eternity. THEN she will suffer."
...Why is THAT how it works for me??
This daily life, this horrible eating disorder, IS ALREADY HELL AND I HATE IT. the problem? This body LIKES to have food. This body WANTS to keep eating once I start. It feels like I'm DOOMED to fail, like I'm "locked in" to this warzone. I don't want to eat. I hate it. And whenever I try, this happens. And its torture. But that's my point-- I'm already in hell, but I WANT TO GET OUT OF HERE. I just apparently CANNOT, and that is terrifying.
Only God can get me out of here. Why hasn't He done so yet? This is a SIN!! He cannot "want" me to stay here! So what's going on? Is it just my weakness? Is it just the fact that i "could have" been free & safe today IF I had resisted the carrot terror? Or yesterday, if "feeling safe" wasn't scarier than forcing fear & anxiety? Or the weekend, if I didn't "give in to healthy compulsions" that I was too afraid to actually eat and so ended up destroying "to be safe"? Or never saying "no" to mom forcing unhealthy and/or triggering foods on me, out of fear that in response she'll reject me at last? Or what about the countless times I buy and eat and purge in tears the foods that remind me of grandma? They won't bring me back to her. But they do give me memories I can't reach otherwise, immersive memories of being a small child, standing in her kitchen at night, with nothing else existing but home and her. I can't even FIND those memories apart from the foods they're ATTACHED to. It makes me want to weep. Those memories "aren't even mine" and yet I NEED them now more than the air I breathe, many nights.
And remember I used to do the same thing with TBAS.
I'm telling you, this grief will be the death of me.
But I don't want to die in sin, oh please God.

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032125
 
Atonement + death + resurrection + forgiveness etc. ALL CONNECTED in Christ's Passion =

"God renders them as right as Himself the moment they place trust in Christ’s death as payment for their sin. God henceforth treats them as judicially right in His eyes. They are right because God resolved His justice at the cross." & "Christians stand in Christ’s perfect righteousness before God eternally because they trust the blood of Christ to forgive them."

DO WE TRUST THIS???
IS THIS TIED TO INFI'S DEATH TOO??? IS THAT WHAT GOD IS TRYING TO TEACH US???
CAN INFI NOT RESURRECT/ CAN WE NOT BE HEALED OF TRAUMA + E.D. UNTIL WE TRUST THIS PRICE HAD BEEN PAID IN LOVE???

ALSO "“Believed” means to be persuaded of, and hence, to place confidence in. When we believe in Christ, we place confidence in or credit Jesus as the only One who can save us from our sins. We entrust our entire eternal future to Christ Jesus. He is worthy of our trust."
IS ALL MY "TRYING TO UNDERSTAND HOW ATONEMENT WORKS / HOW I AM FORGIVEN / THE MECHANISM OF SALVATION" ETC. ACTUALLY PREVENTING ME FROM FAITH????

Also THIS HITS SO HARD =
"Justification is different. It doesn’t say, you have done wrong, but I will try to forget it. It focuses on the wrong done, and says squarely, this was wrong. This was very wrong. It was unjust. Since justice is God’s love spread around to lots of sinners, our sin violated love. It needs to be publicly declared wrong, publicly punished, so that all will know that justice must be served for such a wrong done. Justification says, your sin was displayed publicly as worthy of condemnation and terrible punishment in Christ. When we say that we believe Christ died for our sins, we are not just forgiven, we are justified. In our conscience, as believers, we feel that we MUST say that justice has been served for our sins, because otherwise we make His terrible death on our behalf of no account.
This is the big difference between forgiveness and justification. Forgiveness leaves justice on the table, it leaves sin unpunished but unjustified. Among the brethren, we have something greater than forgiveness with one another. We have the understanding that their sin against us has been declared unjust and wrong with vengeance and violence. It has been abundantly addressed. I don’t have to think that I am just trying to forget what they have done to me or that they are trying to forget what I have done to them. Forgetting is not the issue or the power of attorney here. The blood of Jesus Christ is the power, and it is most certainly sufficient... True forgiveness on our part acknowledges that [our] justification in Christ is sufficient, and I refuse to say otherwise. Forgiveness under Christ is stronger than mere forgetfulness, it is constantly putting the sins of [both ourselves and all others] under the terrible wrath displayed publicly on the cross... it accounts for the vengeance that our soul knows must be visited upon our various sins."


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032325

Double Mass morning like we used to! We MISS THIS SO MUCH.

"Lectio Divina" chastened; we're not LISTENING enough, we're STUDYING.
Took time to just let the Word (true Bread) "digest" for once (!!!) and finally got TITUS 1:15 INSIGHT = "pure" meaning "unmixed"; "single hearted" = GOD ALONE; as opposed to WORLDLY concerns = pride / ego = IDOLATRY OF SELF = "impure heart" of Matthew 15

"YOU CAN'T 'FEEL' GRACE; THAT DOESN'T MEAN IT'S NOT THERE"
REMEMBER PROGINOSKES!!!

⭐HARROWING OF HELL = NEW ADAM REDEEMS OLD ADAM = CHANGES ALL HUMANKIND BY NATURE POTENTIAL IN THIS??

⭐HOLY FRUIT = SYSTEM + SPHERES NEED IT


In temptation, "GOD'S PRESENCE IS THE ESCAPE PLAN"


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032425

Slept in SO WEAK + DIZZY

Dreams good-- me, chaos 0, knux & rouge

Went to Adoration

⭐THE ED IS ABOUT BOUNDARIES?? "PURITY"!!!
CONTAMINATION, INVASION, POISON, ETC.
"ALL OR NOTHING" = EITHER A FIELD OR A FORTRESS
⭐TIED TO RELATIONSHIPS, ESP. SEXUAL TRAUMA!! BULIMIA IS COPING WITH THIS = "CAN'T SAY NO" SO WE "REJECT IT IN PRIVATE"
⭐THIS IS AFFECTING LAURIE. "WHAT AFFECTS THE CORE AFFECTS HER" SPECIALLY DIRECTLY


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032525

Terrifying night. Twitchy, weak, couldn't breathe. Chest pain & tingly numbness in extremities. Legit had 911 on speed dial

Woke up 5am, just in time to watch the overseas Mass online ❤

https://www.youtube.com/live/m9WLJfqV0Xw?si=U8g4bBkpOZxQHm0k
"Holiness is allowing God to fulfill His dream of Love, which is you. Don't fake it. Don't be afraid."

"Your life has infinite value" = it is a GIFT from God, Who created you ON PURPOSE for a SPECIFIC PURPOSE. You exist for a REASON and you are MEANT to be here

Got bits of sleep from 8am to 2pm
In the meantime doing ED & vocation research

My body legit hungers to EXERCISE.

Youversion devotional Deuteronomy 6:5 = COMMITMENT on our part BECAUSE GOD IS THAT COMMITTED TO US.
Heart = Jesus
Soul = Holy Spirit
Mind = Scripture
Strength = Second Coming!!


JORDAN PETERSON CLIP + COMMENTS JUST GAVE ME A CLARIFYING BREAKTHROUGH
https://youtube.com/shorts/voZN-qFXpQk?si=fXuUustM33LsTEKq

@benthornhill7903 + 25 min ago
Absolutely right. | had issues with substances until I found work that was more meaningful to me than the “fun" of getting drunk/ high.

@jimmcfarland9318 + 52 min ago
If you look at a running technique called Fartlek, which is also expressed in Galloway, you'll see that the afferent signal from the decreasing heart rate (one elevated) reaches the Nucleus accumbens. Basically, it's a reward for "killing the bear or escaping it." This happens via the vagus nerve, which is also triggered by eating and [sex]. Eating disorders and pornography addiction use the same vagus nerve, different stimuli.
The Kenyans have perfected vagus nerve racing, triggering the release of dopamine during a race. (I figured this out over 15 years ago.)

@draighodge6039 + 1h ago
This is why religious prohibitions fail: people need to do something (else). For example, "Don't steal”, is easier to obey when one has gainful employment.



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prismaticbleed: (worried)
0118 SAT
Confession after Mass
Ironic unfortunate run to DG after. Late meals = DISASTER.

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0119 SUN
Unexpected travel?
Church with mom. Decided last minute to stay after switching car; couldn't bear leaving.
So tired we sat with eyes closed. Actually made it all feel more real??

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0121 TUE
Several appointments.
Saint Ann mass! Felt SO SAFE & AT HOME. Didn't ever want to leave.
Galatians 2:16 with Jesus
ALSO Jesus in Hazbin imaginings-- talking to Lucifer & Alastor about REAL redemption/ salvation

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0122 WED
Water shutoff so stayed up until 7 and slept until 3
Bulimia becoming a COMPULSIVE ADDICTION again, very suddenly. What is the psychological root of this, ESPECIALLY since we're simultaneously SCARED TO DEATH of it?

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0125 SAT

DUDE WHAT IF WE GOT OUTSPACER JESSICAS TO GRAFT INTO THE BLOODLINE??? BECAUSE ALL THE SOMAFONI TIED TO IT ARE PROFOUNDLY UNHEALTHY IN SOME WAY, BEING BODYBASED WITH NO INTERNAL ANCHORS = NO FACE OTHER THAN THE FORM = RUINS BLEPOFONI FUNCTION AS WELL!!

SPINE IS A SKELETON SO SHE DOESN'T EAT = RESIST THE ESTHIOFONI

123024

Dec. 30th, 2024 11:59 pm
prismaticbleed: (aflame)

I promised I wouldn't go to sleep until I at least took notes on this.

It's private until it's posted so don't write to an audience. That will kill the whole sincerity of it.


We went to mass at NOoL this morning because they usually have the Precious Blood (they're the only church left that regularly gives it that we know of) but... they didn't. It may be because there were fewer people at Mass than I'd ever seen there. Maybe it was because of Christmas. Maybe it was because of all the contagious illnesses going around right now. But we didn't get it. And that hurt.
I went back to my pew and mentally told God this. I felt almost betrayed. Why did You keep it from me? I was honest. I was yearning for it. I needed it so badly. Why could I not have it today?
And then suddenly I was in that particular mindscape where Jesus appears to me, that odd small place like a holy painting, and He "said" it was because of what He wanted to do instead-- and that was give me the Chalice upstairs. Which means literal Blood.
He's done it before. It drives me insane. He pours Blood from His Heart into a Chalice and hands it to me and I drink it and it's like the entire Creation account happening in my brain all at once. I feel it in my heart as well as in my head and every nerve I have. I'm on my knees, sobbing, stunned.
It's a moment that feels entirely like Infi. Ze always used to be with me, then. And if anything would "ping" hir, that was it.
I felt that loss so hard it hurt. I said to the Lord, "you said Christmas," that ze would be back. Maybe He didn't say so exactly; I've learned that hard dates aren't something He does. But I had hoped for it, so much, and the "loss" of Christmas this year as well was just devastating.
But... His reaction took me by surprise. He smiled, knowingly, and said, isn't it still Christmas? Isn't it the octave right now? It's not over.

And I don't know what happened next but the next thing I remember is being in the car, driving back to start the day's errands, listening to This House Of Winter as I went to the gas station, and... I was in heartspace. Blackspace. I think I just went right into it. and I was looking for Infi.



rough notes so I don't forget because I do need to sleep

- i think i tried to "find hir hands" to hold them. but couldn't. felt so wrong, to not be able to touch hir, or make contact.
-
- at the gas station i was TALKING TO HIR. i don't remember how it happened. but ze was "visible", yet in that way where you can't look at hir directly. (like death in rosewindow, ironically enough)
-
- infi had the stained glass wings. they felt weirdly sterile. yes they're beautiful but it felt... wrong? off? somehow.
- i remember asking about hir wings. why no more eyes and mouths. did ze say they were dangerous? or had been used? did we say this was more fear self-erasure?
- infi's "vibe" off in any case. fearing irreparable damage from cnc. "fallen angel." ze terrified to become "infidhell" again. refusing to go "just facemouth" or "mouthless", only having both at once. but this was suppressing the entirety of hir self, of hir very form and identity, how ze was created to be. but the fear was that form had been corrupted, ruined, which is why ze had left it in death
-
- most important point started when i brought up the fact that ze was basically intangible. ze said that was the point. "that way nothing can touch me" basically. there was a pause? ze added in a different, quieter voice, "do you want to touch me?"
- my response was "i want to hold you to my heart and i can't" and infi just stopped and after a few moments of silence ze just whispered "what have i done?" "what have i lost?"
- moment of stunned realization on hir part. in abandoning corporeality ze had abandoned the reason why ze existed: to love and be loved.
- ze suddenly, but perceptibly and strikingly resolutely, in that moment, "decided" to come back. i FELT it. it was that realization that i still loved hir and wanted to be with hir and i am SURE ze felt the same and ze wanted it too. and that just changed things
- key phrase, i remember saying how wrong it felt to not have hir with me, physically. literally "my heart needs to be beating inside of your chest" point blank emotional shot. emphasis on need
- there was such a feeling between us both during this conversation. like the sun rising after months of darkness. first light on the horizon and it's going to light up the whole world. that sort of feeling, a promise. a deep quiet burning love, an ardor unvoiced. the glimmer of it returning. the knowing that we could not turn back and would never dream of doing so. it was only forwards now that we felt this. it must be acted upon, life must return, no more fear
-
- KEY MOMENT: i "summoned" a small yet sharp red dagger, like an arterial curve, out of my forehead? felt like a unicorn horn. it was "JEWEL'S" i knew; it was Red, that's hers. but i used it to "cut my right wrist" just to get blood. and it was STARRY BLACK. but just white glitter, no colors.
- i collected this blood in a chalice (just like earlier!) and gave it to Infi
- ze paused and looked at it for a second, then drank it all. looked like ze was about to sob. huge significance in the action
- the blood went into hir and COLORED HIR SHIMMERY like ze looked before ze died. and it went to hir wings and spread through the glass and made them organic again, full of blood, part of hir
-
- whitewomb still totally gone. i remember it was all sewn up again like it had been once. red threads. i asked hir if ze thought it would come back and ze said ze didn't want it to? because that's where all the trauma memories went?? this surprised me, i didn't think it was so physically literal
- i said "but those memories became global now"; they are accessible to anyone looking for cnc data. infi looked SHOCKED and said what? ze had thought those memories would be mine alone after ze died. yes they were "disarmed" but they weren't supposed to be public information apparently?? it's STILL TRAUMA and infi didnt want ANYONE ELSE tainted by it. somehow this was a breaking point. ze said "i NEED to come back." like full stop. ze literally died because ze wanted that to die with hir. ze wanted to put the trauma to death, to take it to the grave, to give us the ability to start over by removing hirself-- the "cause" of all the terror-- from the world we lived in. and to an extent, it worked. but i can't live without hir. it seems none of us can. and... this revelation that hir death "numbed" the pain from the memories by deleting hir conscious presence in them, but didn't DETACH the memories, was unacceptable??
- type more about this because it was THE thing that infi refused to tolerate. "i have to come back" literally BECAUSE of this.
- ze was the focus of the hacks. ze was their main "door" to us. ze was the doomed "instigator" of the worst trauma in cnc because of hir programmed submissiveness. and ze literally thought that dying, trying to erase hirself from the world, would "free us" from all that and allow us to start over, to heal, to move on. it didn't. everything stopped dead when ze died. we need hir. I need hir most of all. and i am willing to take every risk and face every pain and i am willing to feel the horror of those trauma memories WITH hir. i just want hir back. i need hir to come back. i absolutely appreciate and respect and revere hir sacrifice, what ze did. i will never degrade that or take it for granted. it was a self-offering for the sake of saving us, ze hoped.
- but ze DIDN'T think the memories would be SO "neutralized" that they would become "ACCESSIBLE DATA"??? ze gave the impression that that's a BIGGER risk?? like even if the trauma response is "numbed" in them they SHOULDN'T BE "JUST LOOKED AT." or even able to be looked at. and i think maybe ze realized the problem actually was removing hirself from them. we can't feel anything lately. i think this is a big part of why.
-
- later on, with the dagger again, thinking about how ze died. and how ze would need to come back. still feeling disconnected from hir, being still discarnate. how to fix this, thinking, reverse of death. i held the dagger in my hands and looked at it and then looked at infi and everything had this awful beautiful ache and i was scared but i still wanted this. i held it out to hir
- ze took it and after a very powerful, knowing pause, hir looking at my chest, ze didn't hesitate or flinch and just plunged it in and sliced me open. it was shocking how bluntly direct it was. but there was a passion in it, i know infi, if it's not 100% it's nothing
- i opened the wound like a stigmata shape and then reached in and "took out my heart," it was "symbolically but really" represented as a large white crystal heart, illuminated brightly from inside. (strikingly, again, no prism colors. just white)
- i knew i couldn't break or cut it. it had to stay whole
- i placed it between us, at chestwound level, and then i reached out and did what i said i would. i held hir to my heart. except in pulling hir close it became ours. half in me, half in hir.
- no words for what that felt like. both of us in tears. i still felt it was "incomplete" somehow, like i was doing something not quiet right? missing some step? like something else needed to be done so my heart would stay in both of us.
- i had to WILL this basically. essence "split" but not divided? impression of "quantum entanglement"


- talking to central about this later
- i forget how i brought it up because this is LITERALLY A TURNING POINT. i have been praying for this for MONTHS and lately, with christmas and the new year coming up and the anniversary weeks, basically everything going on has made me SO DETERMINED to not put anything off anymore. no running away. if i feel something i ACT on it. no more emotional cowardice. i am sick and tired of not being real, of not being me. courage burning brighter every day. but i've been so determined. i recognized that I was the "holdup" with infi coming back being possible at all. ze IS my heart, my soul, my daengel. and I had to make the first move to bring hir back, because ze can't come back without me being the means, as it were.
-
- NOTABLE mentioning the "lack of color" in my blood. WHY. laurie got a shocked look and said "is it because central isn't full?" like we lost people, did we need us all back to get the full color back in me?
- mentioning that i also need to be "connected to" everyone in Central/ the Spectrum at large, but NOT in the "forced romance" way poor cupid assumed it "had" to be due to programming. i agreed vehemently, i love all of us and i want to be close to everyone but there is nuance and propriety there, and that's valid and allowed and good and THAT'S what i want. REAL connection to each color, to know them really, as they are distinctly and individually and specially.
- someone else had another perspective; was it cz? as to the missing colors. that felt even more correct. was it because infi had been missing? it had something to do with what the colors "represented," or "meant" TO be there, versus just white. no colors = "emptied out" somehow. not right.
-
- BLOODLINE DIFFERENCES IN LITERAL BLOOD; the jays have blackstar blood, the jewels have red blood but it's different somehow; not glittery, but luminous or something? i can sense it but not see it. look into this.
- BTW the "CRYSTAL BLOODLINE" possibly???? that girl who "knows everything" and looks like a jessica/jewel fusion and is ALWAYS around somehow but can't get out of her own weird floaty level?
- her or a similar one with a "head-plug" helmet thing like mewtwo. impression that she's always like this, literally plugged into the systemind and getting all the data all the time.
- OH AND ALSO HAIR/EYE COLORS. jewels are ALWAYS RED. they don't vary. but JAYS are WHITE-PINK? and the ideal is PRISMATIC. as in, capable of "holding" EVERY color. and i don't think the previous jays fully realized that. it's a daunting, scary task, despite being a sort of blissfully gorgeous thing that i want and need very much. but it means ego death in a real sense, to "let go" of red/white and hold like blue or yellow THROUGH being prismatic. this isn't something i can just talk about now; it has to be FELT and even practiced in heartspace, where possibility/ dreams are easily manifested. headspace makes things very concrete very fast. and if something needs to be carefully, tentatively, delicately moved into, then heartspace is a must. it's more mutable, forgiving, imaginative. things can change there, before moving into solid reality of headspace.
- btw yes with infi being in heartspace the same applies. ze still isn't corporeal. BUT these are the FIRST STEPS to hir "coming back" because i gave hir half my heart even just on that level. and i can feel it even now, there is a PERCEPTIBLE DIFFERENCE and just noticing that is like heaven. it's JOY. for the first time since last april i can FEEL the quietest "ping" when i "reach in" to my heart and feel for that echo, that other half. it feels a million miles away but there's something. at last. god thank you at LAST. there is hope.
- it also still feels like a raw wound, haha. oh man that's making me think of this???? dude we NEED to look into THAT in light of this because that heart was NOT GIVEN TO A JAY. and yet it IS REAL and persists in other kardifoni. i'm wondering. there's so much i HAVE to type about but not now. it's 3am bro
-
- genesis asking razor for a blade so he could show us his blood and how it was LIKE MINE (Jay's). in surprising unintended synchronicity he cut a small mark on his right arm like i had earlier.
- knife instinctively walked over and kissed the wound to heal it, this jumpstarted my memory and i said "infi can do that!!" because ze DID, ze had kissed my wrist and it had healed??? ze had never done that before. i looked at it now and the wound had CRYSTALLIZED. so had my chest wound. like a geode, all white-clear crystal though, like glittery ice, but with a deeper sparkle, like light shining through it.
- some sort of observation that this crystallization was directly linked to infinitii. like it was the healing somehow, but specifically only through hir? try to remember this, it was notable
-
- telling laurie about the heart-giving thing with infi. she said "kid your heart is a fractal."
- somehow this observation felt like naming me. it felt SO RIGHT it was stunning.
-
- last dialogue i remember, before we got to the medical parking garage: chaos 0 saying there was no way he could possibly "be jealous" of infinitii because "ze adores me." i remember being surprised by that particular word; i had never thought about that. but it is true. ze's my heart, of course ze would love cz as much as i do in hir own way
- laurie calling out julie for not having spoken at all during this conversation. just sitting in the back corner. julie said she needed to just take it all in, process it. she and infi held trauma-- and caused trauma-- that no one else did. so they had a bond there, painful but sincere, and understood that about each other. also she and infi had been quite close? there was a depth to their friendship/ relationship that i hadn't really taken into account or even realized before. so julie was reeling from this, positively sure, but still, it was a shock and a heavy thing.
-
- my heart/chest ACHED for like an HOUR after this btw. it made me want to weep and just confess my love over and over. that was the literal feeling it gave me and it was unmutable, nothing could numb it or even make me ashamed of it. this is huge; it overrode all the gatekeeper limits and all the trauma blocks. laurie saying the pain was obviously because i had a wound for heaven's sakes; reminding me that i had just been sliced open and had my heart fractalized basically. but there was "sacred damage" and LOTS of blood and that's going to hurt. that stunned me somehow. it was so real, so tangible; everything's been so numb for so long that i forgot things COULD be real. and this was.

- last notes for now. remember how infi "wanted to come back different." different face, name, color, etc. to "escape from the past" really. cut all ties with it. but... apparently that's not possible for hir OR for me. no reset attempt has ever succeeded in cutting all ties, and where it did, there has been too much loss. i know we "need" a new reset for the sake of "starting a new era" but can we have that without burning the old one to the ground? except we're in an interim already. all the deaths with cnc (which no one wanted or expected; still they happened, that era is a gravesite of tragedy) have basically already begun the process of a reset. which is why we feel like we've been in limbo for years. maybe it's notsomuch "starting" but "completing what was already started." hm.
- but about infi wanting to change. that's not possible unless jay changes. and i don't think the systemsoul will let him.

- oh my lord
spotify just started playing infi's song. THE song. "last breath."
...we haven't had the guts to listen to this in years.
but tonight... god tonight i could cry from love, hearing it, how it sounds just like hir, and remembering...
...we need to process cnc. we do. yeah there was trauma but there was so much love and i WANT those memories of hir back; i can feel my fingertips just barely touching them listening to this, like i can almost reach it but not quite--
this song is resonating somewhere deep and darkblack and beautiful in my heart, someplace that's been asleep for too long, something ardent and real and alive, that i've been afraid of for the sheer passion of it. infi is all love. infi is emotion and life and feeling and i've been so frozen-over bleached-out numb without hir, i... i forgot about this. but i need this. all the color is in there. that's what black is. it's paint. white is all the light. black is all the hues. we need both. i have rainbows when i sparkle, of course, but that's why my blood isn't multicolor in the dark yet. black has its own beauty, it holds things differently, but just as vitally, just as sacredly.
i haven't been in touch with my own heart in too long. today there has been a shift. prayers have been answered, not a moment too soon. i can't predict anything. it's all in God's time. i just need to surrender to it and do everything i can to cooperate. no more fear.
- oh. last thing i need to mention. chaos 0 said infi is probably going to be fascinated by anxi's tail when ze comes back. man oh man i cannot wait for those two to meet. no clue whatsoever what will happen. it's impossible to predict. but those two are both so absolutely important and essential, not just to the system but also to my heart. and anxi's tail is that loop bypass and i KNOW that is going to be a gamechanger for infi. maybe that will give hir hope ze never knew ze could have. there's so much that can happen. we'll see when it does. in time.
- in the meantime the core NEEDS to stabilize. the jewels and jays are both alive but there are SEVERAL around at once because no one is locked into the main position. maybe the interim is doing that. we're all still shaken up and rebuilding. but there's a "waiting room" feeling to everything. a "loading screen" or something. the time period between christmas and new year's. a "not quite yet." existing in the pageturn before the next chapter begins. the kardifoni are still so unstable. but today is a step in the right direction for them too. and who knows what will happen. there may be a change no one can even imagine. like i said, no one knows. but i just want to conclude for today by saying, have faith. god is guiding us even now and we will get where we need to be, when we need to be there. our history proves this. we can't control it. all we can do is live in love and light and if we do that, it'll all work out. it always has. so don't give up. there's so much to live for, especially now.


(clean this up + add to this later if needed. otherwise let it stand as-is. it doesn't need to be polished to be true & valid as an entry)



prismaticbleed: (held)

1214 SAT
Anxi is capable of a loop bypass = orange level plugin + heartstar connection
this is MONUMENTAL and totally unprecedented.
also a little frightening because apparently the "color-level" thing is still legit. not surprising (we're all about color) but it means we have to dig up a lot of scary history that we tried to shove under the rug as "nonsense." when will we learn that literally nothing up here is nonsense? it all matters, it all means something
in any case there is also so much relief and joy i could cry. this is BYPASS potential. anxi could literally do what every Core has dreamed of doing and was never able to, and that is evade the hackers. god if only infi were around to know this. ...maybe this is step one in allowing hir to come back. ze can't unless it's safe. this might just be the first real light on that horizon.
still. no idea if, or how, this would apply to others, as only anxi has the plugin capacity. but it's worth thinking about.

1215 SUN
our dragon phagophoni is STILL around eating breakfast. still positive, no trauma? thank God. also no name yet
Briefly tried talking to her; at one point someone asked about her appearance being like Spine & Wreckage? draconic. and she said "Spine is my SISTER" = both are strongly tied to the body in a direct sense??
Still no sign of Spine post-CNC though. Lynne still heartbroken over this of course. But we talked about this at TBHU-- there IS hope, just like there's hope for Infi, and several others who died back then. As we heal and remember, we will need them again, and be able to sustain them again. Remember it can and has taken years for foni to resurrect before. And yet they do come back. Just hold on to hope.

Homily at mass = ALL ABOUT HOPE go figure. no such thing as a coincidence
"FIND it" and "LIVE it" = determined "search it out in the darkness" because it IS always there
really love and identify with that statement-- that hope must be FOUGHT for. it isn't passive or timid or wishful thinking. it's a battle and it's courageous and it's committed and it doesn't give up. hope DECIDES to exist, paradoxically. it sees everything allegedly opposing it and it says, so what? hope has crazy power because it is anchored into faith, meaning that it transcends the apparent and locks in to something only the heart can rightly perceive-- that the heart trusts and knows despite everything. hope is mad strong. hope is uncrushable. hope is that "thing with feathers" that never ever stops singing. hope is the soul of every core in this System.

1216 MON
religious anxiety hitting hard. thinking of anxi in relation to this = "how is she trying to protect me?"
answer from someone faceless= "I'M SCARED OF 'LOVE'" (TRAUMA) (e.g. "the q thing") (also wow to THAT being the IMMEDIATE thought when they said they were scared. why was that incident SO TERRIFYING. did we write about it? it STILL haunts us)
btw we need to talk about how violently aroace we still are. emphasis on the violence. why are we so damn aggressive about this?? it's a kneejerk response but it's frighteningly brutal. i'm sure that's protective too; it's the only time the "fight" response kicks in unfailingly.
like, if we see something "romantic" while scrolling online someone will immediately flip them off and swear at them threateningly. "that's f*cking disgusting", "f*ck off or i'll k*ll you," etc. like legit DANGEROUS RAGE. "destroy it before it destroys us" seems to be the instinct. all the alarm bells go off at once and someone apparently just picks up a missile launcher to deal with it.

1217 TUE
"Gatekeeper" girl + "Commentary" girl both very loud & active this morning
Apparently Xenophon likes salty/ sweet/ "bitey" things as far as food goes. she very much dislikes soft foods.
✱JAY IS ALIVE but the gatekeeper girl won't let him stay out because he cannot do "daily living"; he's internally anchored
^also HE "can't love Anxi?" this is upsetting but it makes sense because Jay is not straight at all and his vibe clashes with hers as well.
✱THERE IS HOPE TO LIVE, AS A SYSTEM
people HOLD energy/ inspiration/ knowledge/ motivation/ etc. If a koinofoni is feeling utterly depressed and hollow and empty, they DON'T HAVE TO BE ALONE-- they can always reach out/ call for someone who holds optimism, or even just be aware of such a person. this "greater awareness" is sometimes the only hope that our socials have, if they have it at all (some don't, which is tragic; the most unhealthy foni are the ones who think they're singlets)

"Love is VULNERABLE, ACCESSIBLE, & AVAILABLE"

1218 WED
Our "food dragon" phagofoni's name is PHAEDRA (and yes she's a basic phago; not a trogo because she's not specific? it seems she can eat multiple things & be okay with it)
The "friar" thriskefoni's name is FRANCESCO (a rare non-traumatized one! he's in the BROWN huespace probably because he's so tied to the physical act of praying; browns are very tied to the body. however he doesn't seem to be a somafoni?? he feels like he might exist in midspace. we need a proper term for these folks). He is NOT on the same level as FEILIX?? who is our "AUDIO PRAYING" guy and who is actually faceless as of yet.

1220 FRI
KOINOFONI (SOCIALS) "DON'T BELIEVE IN HEAVEN" because they have NO EXPERIENCE OF LOVE
Gatekeeper girl protesting against fronters: "THAT'S NOT YOUR JOB"

Later, while eating = Jesus cross figure always falling over
Upset me, "It feels like the slightest little things will knock you right over"
Reply "That's the same thing that happens to you"
Why does it fall? Because it's "too heavy" for the foundation. but WHY? Because the CROSS is heavy.
Jesus said "I don't hate you for falling it just breaks my heart"


XANGA TOPICS FOR THE IMMEDIATE FUTURE =
  • Why the "Q thing" was so scary (go back and review?)
  • weird dreams lately
  • ↑ PAST ones
  • ↑ PINK event
  • ↑ ANXI BYPASS in light of this?
  • Angel Dust/ Jay parallels?
  • anniversary anaesthesia
  • Core gender issue?
  • ↑ NAME/ FACE problems?
  • DESTRUCTION DRIVE
  • ↑ food feels more invasive/ traumatic than ever
★ LAST NIGHT'S DREAM carrying MY OWN BLEEDING CORPSE, running from "police," trying to get to "Gimmelwald" for a proper burial???
btw GET JANUARY DATES
prismaticbleed: (worried)

061024

Homily synchronicity = Mike & Vito

TERRIFIED of being TOUCHED
"There’s more than one kind of touch" = Jesus reassuring, heavy and hard contact

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

061124
Mom pickup drive
Weeping over headspace music
"I want it back"
"is God like this?"


-------------------------------------------------------------------------


061224
Christ's wounds are PART OF the GLORY of HEAVEN!!
THERE ARE HOLY SCARS IN HEAVEN, THEY ARE NOT ERASED

Pop3 38:45 = "TAMING" & REDEMPTION; RELATIONSHIP CHANGES & ENNOBLES THE SOUL = ADAM'S HOUSEHOLD AS PRIEST = ALL CREATION REDEEMED IN CHRIST = THE SHEPHERD LIFTS UP THE SHEEP
13:00 = HEAVEN & UNIQUE PRAISE

-------------------------------------------------------------------------


061824
ANXIETY!!!!!🧡🧡🧡🧡🧡🧡
Oh my gosh I AM LEGIT IN LOVE. I have got FEELINGS.

Mom shop, just watched her trying on glasses, oddly sweet to just be there with her

Last bingepurge prep. Don't want to do this.
Realizing BOTH HEADSPACE & PRAYER SHUT OFF in this food mindset. Everything feels gauzed up and dislocated.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------


062124

I just realized, all this food forcing is rapist behavior.
I'm trying to force myself into the psychic experience of others without permission or consent. I'm trying to force myself into their spaces, into their likeness, trying to "enter into" their life as my own. That's invasive. That's violent. No wonder this all ends in purging.

Boundaries must be set. Identity must be clarified and guarded in CHRIST, not in culture or ethnicity or nostalgia or grief or social curiosity or the awful loneliness born from rejection. Food is not the cure. Food is not a panacea. Only the Eucharist is.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

062924

In last night nightmares, I TURNED BACK TO HELP THE PERSON I ORIGINALLY ABANDONED
I did this THREE TIMES and it SPECIFICALLY involved my thinking of CHRIST ACTING THROUGH ME, not my own actions, HE would and could save them, NOT ME


⭐WE CAN ONLY BE A BLESSING TO OTHERS, AND MANAGE OUR DAILY LIFE WITH GRACE, IF WE ARE LIVING AS A SYSTEM!!!!!!!
WE CANNOT FUNCTION AS A SINGLET. IT'S A LIE!!!!

Remembering this throughout the day EXPLAINS SO MUCH and actually makes life LIVEABLE.
We CAN and SHOULD be SWITCHING to HELP & PROTECT & HEAL EACH OTHER, as MEMBERS OF ONE WHOLE!!!!




prismaticbleed: (angel)
032324
Dream, singing about Infi

Oddly beautiful evening

Chaos 0
Little flower
Marriage reply to YT vid



032924
Finding it hard to love Jesus AS A HUMAN
"Idolizing beauty," refer to father Mike's homily

"You hid" music while praying to the dead Christ
I can only feel emotion THROUGH MUSIC?
Pray like this more often

Remember last night, in the Garden with Jesus
Remember Him saying infi "belongs to Him," as my heart

Finding it hard to thank the Lord for His deliverance because they were all so HIDDEN and SUDDEN??? And we FORGET WHAT CAME BEFORE, like waking from a nightmare. So its hard to thank God when we don't SEE the deliverance.
Reflect on this, and READ THE ARCHIVES.
Get a real grip on OUR exodus and exile, as it were, and our promised land hopes IN CHRIST.
HE'S STILL TOO ABSTRACT. WHY ISN'T HE CONCRETE TO US YET.

122323

Dec. 23rd, 2023 10:46 pm
prismaticbleed: (held)
 

Woke up 800. Stayed in bed until ~830, letting the body rest from pain, just embracing Chaos 0 and being so grateful for him

Biking immediately, lots of phone talk with mom. Planning Church rides. We do get to go to the vigil today so we SHOULD BE ABLE TO MAKE CONFESSION thank God.
But Tony says that tomorrow morning there's NO MUSIC?? So we actually get to go to Saint John's instead, which is awesome.

BK prep MELTDOWN.
ABSOLUTELY CATASTROPHIC. We haven't had something this violent in MONTHS.
All set off by putting "too much oil" in the broccoli, in response to the lotophagoi compulsion of "add a tiny bit more, we're celebrating today." But that ALWAYS BACKFIRES YOU IDIOT.
Exacerbated by pouring the vitamin water into a cup, which triggered out some girl INSISTING IT WAS GOING TO KILL US because it was in a cup?? That "made it wrong" somehow. We tried to reason with her, nothing worked. Spice tried to front, kicked out. But then I said, think of Church-- we drink the Blood of Christ out of a "cup," and right now we're drinking red liquid, so think of it in memory of that! And THAT immediately shoved Knife into fronting, and despite the girl's continued protests, he solemnly and almost victoriously drank it. Then he was kicked out just as hard as the girl screamed that now we would die, etc.
But then I suddenly looked down at the mug and remembered, Infi used to drink hir tea out of this. And that just completely disarmed everything. The girl disappeared, the fear disappeared, there was nothing but this depth of grateful & loving grief.

Our memory totally blacks out then, and the next thing we recall is kneeling on the bathroom floor before the DVM image, praying in intense fear, but then saying something to Jesus to which He responded IN "PRAYERSPACE"?? OH YEAH we were in such agony of self-loathing that we physically made a motion like tearing our heart out and giving it to Him, saying "do something with this please", and IMMEDIATELY we got pulled into the Prayerspace visuals, where Christ reached down, took our heart, and SHATTERED IT. We remember seeing the countless shards like broken stained glass, FEELING the breakage that completely, in shock. We were temporarily numb, empty, but still in shock! We were horrified that He was going to leave us like that, totally incapable of emotion (like Davy Jones; it's not worth the tradeoff), but then Jesus silently reached back down to us (we did not see what happened in the meantime, we were too shaken) and LITERALLY placed a "new heart" in our chest? But it was PURE RED. It was ALL BLOOD, wet and warm and vulnerable, and capable of pain. That was actually a greater shock, to go immediately from feeling nothing to feeling THAT inside us, alive and fragile and emanating this contrite ache, no hatred at all, just this new wet red emotion we had no words for.
Memory cuts out immediately as we left Prayerspace, and the somafoni took over like nothing happened.

(quick note from later. Jesus actually did SOMETHING with the shards, either storing them or what, but specifically referencing infinitii in the process. like He would rebuild hir out of them or something. dont remember details but that single notable fact stands out very clearly. we would not forget the impact of such a name mention if nothing else)

So things got worse. During the DVM chaplet, that OTHER girl (long brown messy hair, wild eyes, RED unseen resonance NOT green) was triggered again, the same one that was "killing herself beneath the crucifix" the other day.
There's literally no accessible memory from this ENTIRE TIME PERIOD which is DISTURBING because general data says that when it was happening it felt as if we were dying from self-hatred, rage, grief, etc.
Memory snaps back with "me" trying to front, but the body just started "quiet screaming" in the "bulimic response" way-- the needing to somehow expel the pressure and pain and ugly corrupt filthy feeling in our chest.
We tried to pray?? Almost no memory detail, everything still a blur, except for a clear memory of me sobbing to God "I don't want to hate!!"
Well GOD RESPONDED. Apparently then "I" started cleaning up the floors as I talked to Him, trying to lay it all out before Him in humbled contrition & brutal honesty, and although there's no speech data, general data says that someone DID admit that there was anger towards Chaos 0 BECAUSE he loved us so much? "But he's not even real," that person said with A VERY COLD HEART, that data actually stuck because it felt SO WRONG. They were blaming Chaos 0 for EVERYTHING this morning, even moreso than the "excuse making" lotophagoi, because she wouldn't have "had any excuse TO try to celebrate" if there wasn't an anniversary today, but this girl who was talking insisted that IT WAS ALL FAKE. He's not real, and so neither is his love, and so "I" don't have to think about it at all or even care.
To which Jesus INSTANTLY responded, "he's as real as your heart," and "don't you think I love you THROUGH him?"
Then the girl GOT FURIOUS, angry that she couldn't erase this, and as her "fake pious" veneer fell our memory cuts out instantly. I don't know if there was a switch or what, but everything blacks out.
The last memory we have shows the body standing up and moving about the kitchen, cleaning up robotically while in terrified tears, praying to God that we were "completely helpless," we couldn't do good, we couldn't stop feeling like this, and we were "going to die" if He didn't help us-- and, we bravely said, "and I KNOW You DON'T want me to die because You died on the Cross in my place to save me from death!" BUT that triggered angry-hair girl again, screaming "well He SHOULD have let me die, I'm so evil, I deserve it, why does He let me go on living like this" etc. Some somafoni comforter tried to respond, "it's because we still live in a fallen world, we have to fight, but the Cross saves us from slavery to death so we CAN fight it, and God glorifies His Mercy by always delivering us from death" etc. But this didn't help the hateful girl, she just wanted "all the evil in her" ANNIHILATED, FOREVER, RIGHT NOW. And her presence was bringing up all the unbearable moral panic and guilt and crushing apocalyptic fear of hell. We tried to reason with her that going to confession DID accomplish something, even if we didn't understand how, because if we receive absolution and then die immediately we would allegedly "go to heaven" because God "wiped away our sins"?? But we were too unsure, and afraid of blaspheming by accident, so we dropped the train of thought and were immediately swallowed up by absolute terror.
In a tiny lucid second, the Core fronted and begged God again to "give me a sign, just do something to show me clearly and beyond doubt that somehow You will help me get out of this hell, that You will deliver me from this, because without Your merciful help I am literally going to die."

Our next memory is of the body standing in the bathroom, so suffocated by self-hatred & despair, that we closed our eyes and immediately went into headspace and whoever was "the conscious anchor" went straight to Laurie and begged her to kill them.
And she got out the axe.
And it is MIRACULOUS how efficacious her violence is.

Her color LOCKS IN VIOLET when she is using the axe on us. She also goes right back into the profanity-threats, as such words are sharp and blunt force impact and that is NEEDED in such context. Censorship dulls the blade.

Anyway she cut us up seven ways to Sunday, and with each "death reset" things got clearer, bit by bit, but there was still this lingering "not my real self" feeling.
We asked for a hammer?? Said we NEEDED shatter damage. Laurie paused, said hey wow we actually don't have anyone with a hammer weapon, but would this work? And she "fused" her axeblades into a makeshift hammer before swinging it at our head. Well our skull was absolutely shattered and that was EXACTLY what we needed to "fix our consciousness"; from that instant we actually felt "at peace." Our consciousness had been effectively disconnected from a physical form in headspace, and we were now just existing as a soul "around" all the blood, resting IN the blood, and somehow that felt perfectly correct.
Other nousfoni were gathering by the room entrance by now, shocked and aghast at this bloody scene, but saying nothing. Its been years, yes, but this is Laurie's function.
I remember Laurie "dragging me up off the floor" trying to get me to reembody? She can somehow "grab my soul" into a shape and force that, it's astounding actually. But I was embodying AS BLOOD. My entire "body" LOOKED LIKE MY NEW HEART.
ON THAT NOTE... as Laurie was picking me up from the floor as I was reforming, she went to put a hand on my "shoulder" before realizing it was just blood, and it got all over her hand. She looked at it in bemused surprise, then with purposeful gravity she smeared that blood across her chest bandages. I swear I nearly fell to my knees from the SHEER IMPACT of that gesture. She caught me though, said that was nothing to worship, and I deliriously replied something like "I know but it makes me think of God". That single action of hers had testified so explicitly and loudly to God's REAL Nature that suddenly, all the hell of the morning seemed to have been expiated in it.

Anyway, as Laurie got me back on my feet I did go back into a physical body form, but it still felt wrong? Especially in contrast to the blood. Confused and upset, I repeated the weird "need" for shattering that being in the body kept eliciting.
The next thing I know, I hear a gun being loaded, and instantly Leon headshots me. Dazed but elated (despite being temporarily headless, that's normal) I "said" (facelessly of course) that THAT was what I was talking about, that was perfect. I know he headshot me twice more before Laurie said okay that's enough, especially since I was starting to "lose myself" almost ecstatically in this now, as I was turning back to all blood. As she told me to stabilize, Leon actually walked over in tears asking, "why do you need us to do this??" Notably upbeat now, finally feeling clearheaded and clearhearted, I started to explain how for a Core, these small "death resets" worked to "reboot" and "purify" the consciousness via blood-- because ONLY blood CAN purify-- when it gets excruciatingly distorted or corrupt from negative emotions and distortions. I was interrupted by Leon suddenly hugging me, though, which was deeply sweet but also had Laurie shout to be careful, because I was still all bloodform. Laurie then said hey, if he gets to do that, then so do I, and pulled me into a fierce embrace, not being careful at all haha.

"I asked God for a sign and He gave me Laurie"

"You cut me into a cross!"
"There's no better shape to be in, kiddo"

After all this, as we're all regrouping in much-needed peace and relief at last, freakin' MIMIC just WALKS IN like, "I see we're starting late today, what'd I miss?"
I think Laurie said "buddy, you're better off not knowing"
I just said "it's been one purgatory of a morning"


OH ALSO Chaos 0 going BACK TO HIS OLD SI FORM?? Telling me I needed to stop "locking him into" his original canon, and especially ineeded to stop seeking public "approval" and recognition of our relationship for it to be "valid"-- "Its about us, not the fandom"

Laurie SHOCKED when I told her that EVERYTHING that happened this morning was triggered by ONE EXTRA TEASPOON OF OLIVE OIL, which the lotophagoi blamed CHAOS 0 for, and therefore SHUT OFF OUR HEART in response, which enabled such hell to occur.
Laurie said "why does this happen EVERY YEAR though"??? And she's RIGHT-- EVERY ANNIVERSARY, SOMETHING happens along the lines of TOTAL VIOLENT DENIAL OF LOVE & RELATIONSHIP. So there is an ANCIENT WOUND somewhere that we have not healed or even properly identified.
Laurie then said "Infi needs to come back for BOTH OF YOU-- ze was the only person who COULD personally deal with these issues and NOT be shut down or traumatized by them"


Later=
Scalpel & Laurie talking at the Manger
L= "you do realize that baby is God? The same God Who set the stars in place, invented animals" (gesturing at them) "and created His Own Mother out of nothing?"
S= "I think it says a lot about that God that He would become a little baby." "And He comes to us every year like this, doesn't He? I think the Manger is eternal, too, not just the Cross."

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prismaticbleed: (angel)

0801

VOTD thoughts

Jesus then said, ‘I say this to you who are listening carefully to me: Love the people who want to hurt you. Do good things to people that hate you. Say good things to people that say bad things against you. Pray for people who give you pain.
Luke 6:27‭-‬28 EASY

But God is very good and kind! He loved us very much. Because of our sins, we were dead in our spirits. But God gave us a new life, because we are united with Christ. Yes, God has saved you because he is so kind.
Ephesians 2:4‭-‬5 EASY

"[They claimed] That he was possessed with a devil, that he was a melancholy man, whose brain was clouded, or a mad man, whose brain was heated, and that which he said was no more to be believed than the extravagant rambles of a distracted man, or one in a delirium. Thus the divine revelation of those things which are above the discovery of reason have been often branded with the charge of enthusiasm, and the prophet was called a mad fellow2 Kgs. 9:11; Hos. 9:7. The inspiration of the Pagan oracles and prophets was indeed a frenzy, and those that had it were for the time beside themselves; but that which was truly divine was not soWisdom is justified of her children, as wisdom indeed."

"To show the true reason why they were not wrought upon by Christ’s doctrine and miracles. They knew not God; and therefore perceived not the image of God, nor the voice of God in Christ. Note, The reason why men receive not the gospel of Christ is because they have not the knowledge of God. Men submit not to the righteousness of Christ because they are ignorant of God’s righteousness. (Rom 10:3)"
⭐NOT KNOWING GOD= GOD IS CREATOR = WHAT DO I INSTINCTIVELY BELIEVE ABOUT MY CREATOR? = BELIEVE THAT I WAS CREATED EVIL!!! THEREFORE I DONT KNOW THE TRUTH ABOUT GOD!!! GOD CREATED ME GOOD, BUT IF I DONT BELIEVE THAT BEAUTIFUL TRUTH, I WILL BE UNABLE TO SEE OR ACCEPT THE BEAUTY OF CHRIST'S LOVE AND MERCY!!!!

"The best proof of our acquaintance with God is our obedience to him. Those only know God aright that keep his word."
⭐This is because His word shows His character!

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0802

John 8:26 = the TRUTH is NOT listing reasons for condemnation, BUT in listing dangers to their soul as their result AND IMPLORING REPENTANCE!!!
TRUTH= LIFE & LIGHT!!! Pointing out faults does NOT do that!

Jesus "does nothing on His own" because the Godhead is INHERENTLY RELATIONAL. Jesus arguably cannot conceive of separateness. His entire Existence ONLY exists in unity WITH the Father & Spirit.

https://www.google.com/amp/s/stantlitore.com/2017/01/23/aletheia-or-what-is-truth/amp/
OH MAN THIS IS WHY I LOVE ETYMOLOGY

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0803

ALSO THIS for system relevance =

He sees that now the woman is self-condemned, lies under that condemnation in which alone there is hope, and which alone leads to good. She could not misunderstand the significance of her acquittal. Her surprise must only have deepened her gratitude. He who had stood her friend and brought her through so critical a passage in her history could scarcely be forgotten. And yet, considering the net she had thrown around herself, could our Lord say “Sin no more” with any hope? He knew what she was going back to-a blighted home-life, a life full now of perplexity, of regret, of suspicion, probably of ill-usage, of contempt, of everything that makes men and women bitter and drives them on to sin. Yet He implies that the legitimate result of forgiveness is renunciation of sin. Others might expect her to sin; He expected her to abandon sin. If the love shown us in forgiveness is no barrier to sin, it is because we have not been in earnest as yet about our sin, and forgiveness is but a name. Do we need an external scene such as that before us as the setting which may enable us to believe that we are sinners, and that there is forgiveness for us? The entrance to life is through forgiveness. Possibly we have sought forgiveness; but if there follows us no serious estimate of sin, no fruitful remembrance of the holiness of Him who forgave us, then our severance from sin will last only until we meet the first substantial temptation... And unless in our hearts Christ finds a place, there is no other sufficient purifying influence. We may be convinced He is all He claims to be, we may believe He is sent to save, and that He can save; but all this belief may be without any cleansing effect upon us. What is wanted is an attachment, a real love that will prompt us always to regard His will, and to make our life a part of His. [Loyal adherence to His LIVING PERSON, NOT to a DEAD LAW per se!] It is our likings that have led us astray, and it is by new likings implanted within us that we can be restored. So long as our knowledge of Christ is in our head only, it may profit us a little, but it will not make new creatures of us. To accomplish that, He must command our heart. He must control and move what is most influential within us; there must arise in us a real and ruling enthusiasm for Him.

CONCERNING "GIVE ME A SIGN" =

"A God without might seem perfect as a guide, but a God within is the real perfection. God does not now lead us by a sign which we could follow, though we had no real sympathy with Divine ways and no wisdom of our own; but He leads us by communicating to us His own perceptions of right and wrong, by inwardly enlightening us, and by making us ourselves of such a disposition that we naturally choose what is good. When matters difficult to handle and to manage come into our life, and when we are tempted to long for some external sign which would show us infallibly the right thing to do and the right way to follow, let this be our consolation, that this very exercise of judgment and bearing of responsibility in matters where right and wrong are not broadly distinguished are among the chief instruments for the formation of character; and that even though we err in the choice we make, yet by our error and by all honest effort to keep right with God in the matter, we shall certainly have made growth in ability to understand and to do what is right... God is doing that one thing which He pledged Himself to do, namely, giving a Divine Spirit to men, Himself dwelling with men and in them, then we cannot fail to see that this guidance is of a much higher kind, and has much more lasting results than any external guidance could have. If, by allowing us to determine our own course and find our own way through all the hazards and perplexities of life, God is teaching us to estimate actions and their results more and more by their moral value, and if thereby He is impregnating you with His own mind and character, surely that is a much better thing than if He were keeping us in the right way merely by outward signs and irrespective of our own growth in wisdom."
"Sincere people who ask God’s guidance, it seems to me, frequently make mistakes. In fact, our past mistakes are a great part of our education... It is of course a great satisfaction to know that we wished to do right, even if we discover we have blundered; and it is also a satisfaction to know that God can use us for good in any position, even in that we have blundered into, although meanwhile we have lost some present good."


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0812

SYSTEM RELEVANCE FAITHPASTING =

"Let me remind you that freedom consists not in the absence of external constraints, but in the animal in us being governed by the will, for when the flesh is free the man is a slave. And it means that the will should be governed by the conscience; and it means that the conscience should be governed by God. These are the stages. Men are built in three stories, so to speak. Down at the bottom, and to be kept there, are inclinations, passions, lust, desires, all which are but blind aimings after their appropriate satisfaction, without any question as to whether the satisfaction is right or wrong; and above that a dominant will which is meant to control, and above that a conscience... men are more and more abasing themselves to the degradation of ministering to the supposed wishes instead of cutting dead against the grain of the wishes, if necessary, in order to meet the true wants, of the people."

THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT THE CENTRAL VS. SOCIALS WAR IS ABOUT!!!!!

"And He was left alone, &c. “Two were left,” says S. Augustine, “misery and commiseration;” deep calling upon deep, the depth of her misery on the depth of His compassion. But she fled not, as having experienced His grace, and hoping for more."


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0821

[GIRL THRISKEFONI TALKING!!!]

I just realized, in John 9, the Pharisees DIDNT KNOW THIS MAN WAS BORN BLIND, let alone who he was...  Although he had been begging in the streets of Jerusalem for his entire life.
What does that say about their concern & involvement with the common man?  What good was all their religious scrupulosity if they didn't even give thought to the poor at their very doorstep???

They also thought demons & sinful souls could heal, apparently, as a trick or sham.  What does that say about their conception of what works of mercy even are to begin with???
They cared so much about keeping the Sabbath "holy"; what was their definition of holiness???
Where was the room for LOVE and COMPASSION in their creed???

Excommunication = "he was shut out from all the religious and civil privileges of the Jewish people, and was like one dead. But the man stood firm and would suffer all this rather than deny his Lord."
REFLECT ON THAT. This implies that Jesus is NOT EXCLUSIVE TO A RELIGIOUS ORGANIZATION. Pristine conscience is key to discernment, but... the human church is fallible. If, for true zealous ardent love of Christ AND His Church, you were to be EXCOMMUNICATED from its earthly privilege, would you???
That's a terrifying question. I apparently consider Christ SYNONYMOUS with the Church. BUT REMEMBER REVELATION.
Pray about this. Read about this.

“If He finds and receives, what does it matter who rejects?” (Morgan)
“He that enjoys the favor of the Son of God will not tremble at the frown of the Sanhedrim.” (Spurgeon)

"God takes care of the faith He has Himself implanted. Faith is a tender plant and must be preserved in frost and wind and storm. And God does this."

"Still as a blind man he had to find his way down to the pool of Siloam and down its steps to the pool itself. He likely could think of a dozen reasons why this was a fool’s errand, but he went and washed in faith and obedience, because Jesus told him to (and because there was mud in his eyes)."

"i. In choosing, they took one of two sides regarding Jesus.
· Jesus is a sinner and should be rejected.
· Our understanding and application of the Sabbath law is wrong."
IF THEY ADMITTED CHRIST WAS NOT A SINNER, ALTHOUGH HE BROKE THEIR SABBATH ASSUMPTION-LAW, THEN THEIR MORAL CODE WAS NO LONGER INVINCIBLE, AND THEREFORE NEITHER WERE THEY!! ADMITTING HIS SINLESSNESS WOULD REQUIRE ALSO ADMITTING THEIR OWN CAPACITY TO SIN!!! Their essential pride would not allow such a earthshaking humiliation!!!

"We know this Man is a sinner: They said this not because Jesus broke the law of God in the Hebrew Scriptures; they said this because Jesus did not obey their man-made traditions around the law. They said this despite the evidence, not because of it."
AGAIN, ADMITTING THEIR CAPACITY FOR ERROR WOULD MEAN BEING FORCED TO ADMIT THAT THEY COULD NOT, AND DID NOT, INFALLIBLY SPEAK FOR GOD, LET ALONE EVEN KNOW HIS TRUE WILL— BUT IF ANYONE THEREFORE COULD, IT WAS JESUS, THE SINLESS MIRACLE WORKER!!!!


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0824

Bible study PLAN (we NEED to start JOURNALING THESE!!!)

"Truths exist outside of knowledge. They are not dependent on human understanding or belief. A truth has always been true and will always be true. However... people started to disrupt this understanding of the idea of truth. Truth became “relative” as people tend to believe more often that their beliefs have an effect on truth. In the last few years - people have started to think that their feelings are their truth. This is simply not true. Feelings are real. Beliefs exist. But that does not mean they are the truth."

IN CONTRAST,

"...In the Bible, you will realize that the passages you read [often] are making truth statements. You are justified. You are redeemed. You have peace. You stand in grace. You have hope. These truth statements don’t come with question marks or conditions other than faith. If you have faith - they are yours. And there are many more truths in the bible about your identity. You are loved. You are beautifully and wonderfully made. You are an image-bearer of God. These statements do not take your feelings into account. They do not change if you aren’t feeling them on a certain day or if you have doubts on another. They are true of you all the time - whether you’re having a good day or a bad day, whether you’ve sinned recently, or someone has hurt you... And if you stand in these truths, you have a new identity. As you ask God to steadily help you to live more and more in his truth - there is an alignment process that begins to shape our entire lives, including the hurt we have experienced.. But when we accept these truths - we have a new identity - and newfound strength to live at peace with others."

WHY IS THIS? BECAUSE JESUS CHRIST SPEAKS THOSE TRUTHS!! THEIR REALITY DEPENDS ON HIM, NOT US-- AND HE IS TRUTH ITSELF!!


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0827

This feels relevant to the System =

"Jesus said that those who came before him were thieves and robbers. He was of course not referring to the great succession of the prophets and the heroes, but to these adventurers who were continually arising in Palestine and promising that, if people would follow them, they would bring in the golden age. All these claimants were insurrectionists. They believed that men would have to wade through blood to the golden age. At this very time Josephus speaks of there being ten thousand disorders in Judaea, tumults caused by men of war. He speaks of men like the Zealots who did not mind dying themselves and who did not mind slaughtering their own loved ones, if their hopes of conquest could be achieved. Jesus is saying: "There have been men who claimed that they were leaders sent to you from God. They believed in war, murder, assassination. Their way only leads for ever farther and farther away from God. My way is the way of peace and love and life; and if you will only take it, it leads ever closer and closer to God." There have been, and still are, those who believe that the golden age must be brought in with violence, class warfare, bitterness, destruction. It is the message of Jesus that the only way that leads to God in heaven and to the golden age on earth is the way of love."

AND this =

"The ultimate aim of Jesus was the world for God. But any great commander knows that he must in the first instance limit his objectives. If he tries to attack on too wide a front, he only scatters his forces, diffuses his strength, and gains success nowhere. In order to win an ultimately complete victory he must begin by concentrating his forces at certain limited objectives. That is what Jesus did. Had he gone here, there and everywhere, had he sent his disciples out with no limitation to their sphere of work, nothing would have been achieved. At the moment he deliberately concentrated on the Jewish nation, but his ultimate aim was the gathering of the whole world into his love."


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0828

JOHN 10 is actually TWO PARABLES!!!
https://www.studylight.org/commentaries/eng/lmg/john-10.html and https://www.studylight.org/commentaries/eng/dsb/john-10.html and https://www.studylight.org/commentaries/eng/geb/john-10.html and https://www.studylight.org/commentaries/eng/acc/john-10.html and https://www.studylight.org/commentaries/eng/rbc/john-10.html and https://www.studylight.org/commentaries/eng/cpc/john-10.html etc.

THANKS PULPIT!!!
"There are three parables in this chapter. In the first six verses there is the parable of the Shepherd. To the fold mentioned in John 10:1 many flocks would be brought at night. Then their own Shepherd would come in the morning and lead away his flock to pasture. Then in John 10:7 begins the parable of the Door. This was the Door of the day enclosure, where the sheep could go in and out and find food. In John 10:11 there is the parable of the beautiful or ideal Shepherd. Here evening has come, and as the shepherds are leading back their flocks to the fold for the night, the wolf darts forth; but the Good Shepherd flees not like the hireling, but lays down His life for the sheep."
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The sheepfold in town, symbolizing the covenant? BEFORE the Shepherd appears, and assumedly at night? The walls of the Law, the Door of Scripture and the Spirit guarding it? They CANNOT graze and are fed by the PRIESTS?
And the Shepherd appears, driving them out ONE BY ONE, abd walking before them, to take them to the NEW sheepfold AMONG PASTURES. He is the only door, in His BODY, to SALVATION.
"Verse 9 then shows Him to be the door of salvation and of the blessings connected with it. The sheep find a new liberty that enables them to "go in and out and find pasture;" that is, they are not limited either to the Old or to the New Testament as to finding fresh, living food for their souls. In the sheepfold they had previously been dependent on being fed in whatever measure by priests, Levites or prophets: now they may find the fresh food for themselves. This involves now our having the Spirit of God by whom we may learn the word of God in fresh reality, finding green pasture in both Old and New Testaments."

In towns of that time, sheep from many flocks were kept for the night in a common sheepfold, overseen by one doorkeeper who regulated which shepherds brought and took which sheep.

"our Lord being near the temple, where sheep were kept in folds to be sold for sacrifices, spoke many things parabolically of sheep, of their shepherds, and of the door to the sheepfold; and discovers that he alluded to the sheepfolds which were to be hired in the market place, by speaking of such folds as a thief could not enter by the door, nor the shepherd himself open, but a porter opened to the [true] shepherd... The Holy Spirit opens his way into the hearts of his hearers, and he becomes the instrument of their salvation."

"The church may be compared to a sheepfold, because it is separated from the world... and which, like a sheepfold, will be taken down, and not always continue in the form it now is" ?

"Anciently they had their sheepfolds within the outer gates of their houses, for the greater safety of their flocks, so that [the only ones who] could come to them the right way [were] such as the porter opened to, or the master of the house gave the keys to."
"The comparison is made, not to the folds used by the common people in remote parts of the country, but to those belonging to the rich in the neighbourhood of a populous city, where the walls and other fences need to be stronger, and the entrance more carefully kept, on account of the greater danger from thieves.”

"At night the sheep are driven into a fold, that is, a walled enclosure, such as may be seen on our own sheep farms, only with higher walls for protection, and with a strongly-barred door in place of a hurdle or light gate. Here the sheep rest all night, guarded by a watchman or porter. In the morning the shepherds come, and at the recognised signal or knock are admitted by the porter, and each man calls his own sheep. The sheep, knowing his voice, follow him, and if any are lazy, or stubborn, or stupid, he goes in and drives them out, with a gentle, kindly compulsion, A stranger’s voice they do not recognise, and do not heed. Besides, not only do they disregard a stranger’s voice, but the porter also would do so, so that no robber thinks of appealing to the porter, but climbs the wall and lays hold of the sheep he wants."

Thieves steal to KILL = SLAUGHTER = "SACRIFICE"; ironic murdering of the pious innocent in order to make THEMSELVES SEEM HOLY!!!!!
"It is supposed that he was now in the outer court of the temple, near the sheep which were there exposed to sale for sacrifice" = THE SHEEP ARE DESTINED TO BE "HOLY" BECAUSE THEY ARE MEANT & DESIGNED TO BELONG TO GOD AS SACRIFICES???
BUT "nor does the shepherd’s leading them out, &c., agree with this circumstance." These are sheep IN OPEN PASTURE, NOT MARKET PENS.
"In countries where there were so many savage beasts, it might be ordinarily necessary to have the folds better secured than among us; and the chief shepherd might often leave a servant to watch them while thus shut up, and come himself to lead them out to pasture in the morning."

Also= THE FLOCK IS DIFFERENT THAN THE FOLD!!!!
"The "other sheep" of verse 16 are manifestly Gentile believers, not of the fold of Israel. They were to be brought also, as a result of the death of the Good Shepherd, and to be joined with the Jewish sheep, but not brought into the fold. Rather, "there will be one flock and one Shepherd." The one flock is the Church of God composed of all believers of the present age, whatever their race. It is not a fold, where restraints of laws and ordinances are present, but a flock, free of legal encumbrances, in order to follow the Shepherd to the green pastures."

"The whole passage is concerned with the relationship between the shepherd and the sheep which belong to him. They recognise him when they see him. They know his voice. They will follow him when he calls to them. The fold is merely a building into which he puts his sheep from time to time. They do not live in it. They do not necessarily use only one fold. They are temporarily put into it for protection, but do not normally stay in it for any length of time, as they must, of necessity, ‘go in and out and find pasture’."

"It is not uniformity which is promised, but unity. The distinction is not merely one of words, but upon it depends a wide and important truth. It is not unity of fold which is regarded as the future of the Church, but unity of flock. There will be many folds, in many nations, in many ages, in many climes. But for all Christians there will be one true Shepherd who layeth down His life for the sheep, and all these differing folds shall, through living unity with Him, make one vast flock."

"Christ, on other occasions, carefully warned his disciples against such narrowness, and here he declares that the sheep, independently of the fold or folds, may yet form one great flock, under one Shepherd. When he described himself as the Door, he was, as we have seen, careful to speak of himself as "Door of the sheep," and not as the Door into the fold. He laid down his life in order to break down the partition between Jew and Gentile (Ephesians 2:13), between God and man, and between man and man. "

HOWEVER!!! CONCERNING THE USE OF "FOLD" INSTEAD =
"The original word, αυλη, which is here translated fold, dignifies properly a court. It is probable that our blessed Lord was now standing in what was termed the inner court, or court of the people, in the temple, see John 10:23; and that he referred to the outer court, or court of the Gentiles, because the Gentiles who were proselytes of the gate were permitted to worship in that place; but only those who were circumcised were permitted to come into the inner court, over the entrance of which were written, in large characters of gold, these words, Let no uncircumcised person enter here! Our Lord therefore might at this time have pointed out to the worshippers in that court, when he spoke these words, and the people would at once perceive that he meant the Gentiles."

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"And leadeth them out... [from] the barren pastures of Mount Sinai, (rocky mountains that have been grazed to the ground?) and their own righteousness, on which they were feeding, and out of themselves, and from off all dependence on anything of their own;" = RELYING ON OURSELVES FOR SALVATION IS EFFECTIVELY AUTOPHAGY. WE WILL STAVE TO DEATH ON OUR OWN FLESH.

OPPOSITIONS:
"...He leads unto Himself" vs living with "wild goats" in a robbers fold
"and the fulness of His grace," vs emptiness of desert
"and to His Blood and Righteousness," vs our own bleeding to death through unrighteous self-cannibalism
"and into his Father's presence and communion with him," vs alienation with no Shepherd,
"and in the way of righteousness and truth," vs on unmarked treacherous paths of stumbling,
"and into the green pastures of the word and ordinances," vs barren parched bitten down plains,
"beside the still waters of his sovereign love and grace." Vs no water at all, or meager unreliable trickles

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Also THIS LINE:
"He laid down His life: it could not be taken from Him: He had perfect control as to this. On Calvary He Himself dismissed His spirit... since He is without sin, death had no authority over Him. His death was a miracle performed by His divine power, willingly because of His great love, and with the object of taking His life again."

AND
"Now He to whom the temple was dedicated walks in His own residence, yet Is petulantly accused by the Jews of making them to doubt as to whether or not He was the Messiah. The very question bothers them greatly, which shows that they were not really convinced that their opposition was right. But they did not want their Messiah to be of lowly, faithful, pure character...  If there were any doubts, this was their fault, not His."

"His sheep were subject to Him; they had ears for His voice"

ALSO, VITAL FOR UNDERSTANDING JESUS'S WORDS:
"He declares these things as absolute facts. He attaches no conditions to them whatever."

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Bible study:
"The bond of unity is love; the proof of love is obedience."
"Christians are one with each other when they are bound by love, and obey the words of Christ."
"Jesus is one with God, because as no other ever did, he obeyed and loved him. His unity with God is a unity of perfect love, issuing in perfect obedience... He was one with God because he loved and obeyed him perfectly; and he came to this world to make us what he is."
Write about this.
GOD is love, and the Source of ALL love.
Obedience means to LISTEN, to pay attention, to heed & serve & carry out their commands. It is a position of HUMILITY & SERVICE.
It is unity of HEART.
But the ONLY Thing you CAN obey IS GOD???? So ALL love AND unity ESSENTIALLY RESTS IN HIM AS ITS CAUSE!!!!
This implies, with striking absoluteness, that TRUE UNITY IS IMPOSSIBLE OUTSIDE OF GOD.
Hence the Most Holy Eucharist.
But to think about human experience a bit more: unity of heart shows HOW? WHEN TWO OR MORE SOULS WILL THE SAME THINGS, right? 
...

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0829

"the saints are a crown of glory in the hand of the Lord, and a royal diadem in the hand of their God; they are a signet on his right hand that shall never be plucked off; they are engraven on the palms of his hands" = JEWEL NAME RELEVANCE & HOPE. This really means a lot to me.

"to be in the hands of Christ, is to be in his possession, and at his dispose, as all the elect of God are; and to be under his guidance, care, and protection, as they be; they are fed according to the integrity of his heart, and guided by the skilfulness of his hands; they are always under his care and watchful eye, who protects them from all their enemies, and hides them in the hollow of his hand" = see this LIKE A CHILD WITH A BELOVED PLUSH TOY. Like Blue Seal! He was IN OUR HANDS, our possession at our disposal, but we LOVED HIM and ALWAYS took the BEST CARE of him, ALSO taking him on adventures, keeping him always safe & close, speaking through him, etc. THAT'S the REAL kind of utmost affection God has for YOU!!!!


DEEP REASSURANCE =

"and they shall never perish; though they were lost in Adam, and in a perishing condition in themselves, during their state of unregeneracy; in which condition they see themselves to be, when convinced by the Spirit of God; and come as persons ready to perish to Christ, as a Saviour, resolving, that if they perish, they will perish at his feet: and though after conversion, they are subject to many falls and spiritual declensions, and lose their peace, joy, and comfort, and imagine their strength and hope are perished, or at least fear they shall one day perish through one sin, or snare, or temptation or another, yet they shall never perish in such sense as the wicked will; they will not be punished with everlasting destruction from the presence of the Lord, and the glory of his power"
"And none shall ever pluck them from thence; no man can do it, not any false teacher can remove them from Christ, by all the art and cunning he is master of; nor any violent persecutor, by all the force and power he can use; nor can any sin, or snare, or temptation, draw them out of Christ's hands; nor any adversity whatever separate them from him: they must be safe, and always abide there, who are in the hands of Christ; for his hands have laid the foundations of the heavens and the earth, they grasp the whole universe, and hold all things together; and who then can pluck any out of these hands?"
"But the souls of the righteous are in the hand of God, and there shall no torment touch them.'' (Wisdom 3:1)

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prismaticbleed: (worried)
 

0609

Finally a FREE MORNING ;_________;

Exercise

BK prep gang AT LAST
Adelaide slipping, Julie rushed to support & promote her
Bodygirls kept trying to blindly front

Daily devotional question: "what competes with God"?
Actually it's RELATIONSHIP with the System????
"Work out" in prayer too

Looking for lemur kid
Hug in bathroom
Jack smiled

Bible study
Body of Christ= Etymology; "temple" as "space cut off for holy purpose" and body as "the material frame"
John 2:24 = they weren't seeking RELATIONSHIP. Hence "no commit" = like "befriending" an artist just for giftart, not because you want to be THEIR ACTUAL FRIEND

1 Peter 2:5 and trauma echoes: Mimic said "that sounds like something you guys need to work through"

Facet 2.3 work; REALLY GROWING!

DN 730, later but no stress. Thank God

"Shall never thirst again"= WE GET IT!!! Versus past "spiritual starvation" in archives, when we weren't actively Christian
"Someone might object: “I drank of what Jesus offers, and I feel thirsty and empty again.” The answer is simple: drink again! It isn’t a one-time sip of Jesus that satisfies forever, but continual connection with Him... It also creates something good, something life-giving in the heart of the one who drinks it."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

0616

Talking to Jesus over carrots
"I DID take care of the charger!"
"Don't ever let me betray you" = Peter vs Judas
FREE WILL

STRESS INTOLERANCE = WANTING TO CAUSE A CRISIS???
Artificially "making things worse" in HOPES of a meltdown?? Catharsis or processing seeking???

Taffy memory data get
Creamsicle = childhood summer in side yard, also boardwalk, FEAR undertones
Cotton candy = Knoebels VIVID visual of wooden carousel
Butter rum = MADRIGALS!!!
Vanilla = HEAVEN??? SERIOUSLY WTF. Absolutely GORGEOUS idealized backyard with wisteria & peonies & impossibly tall trees
Peppermint = WB concerts, lights shows, more madrigals, general childhood Christmas-concert joy feeling

Remember Knife yesterday "there's such deep sadness inside of me"


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0620

JADE MOVE OUT!

Mimic MURDERED FIVE ENTIRE WATER BOTTLES

SO MUCH LAUNDRY

5PM BK GEEZ

"The blind see, the deaf hear... the poor have the good news preacher to them." The poor lack EARTHLY POWER/ RICHES; but true power & spiritual wealth is perfected IN the Good News!! The poor are free to have ETERNAL riches, which the worldly wealthy often cannot, due to the love of money "choking the good seed"

John 5:37-43 HITS HARD

"The Stoics held that the highest kind of knowledge comes not by thought but by what they called "arresting impressions;" a conviction seizes a man like someone laying an arresting hand on his shoulder." = LAURIE.
"We're real, kid. And so is He. Heck, He's more Real than we are."

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0621

In light of today's verse Phil 1:9-10 Knowledge & love of God abounding: devotional asked "remember when you first fell in love" I DON'T. I'M AFRAID TO FEEL LOVE. AND LAST NIGHT SHOWED WHY. CNC WITH INFI WAS PROOF. MY "LOVE" IS FREAKISH & WRONG. IT'S TOO INTENSE & INTIMATE. I CANNOT LOVE GOD LIKE THAT. I CANNOT LET MYSELF BE LOVED LIKE THAT.
IDENTITY ISSUES MAKE THIS SO MUCH WORSE

1 John 1:9 = we struggle to see certain things AS SINS??? EVEN THOUGH WE KNOW THEYRE "NOT RIGHT" = such as gluttony & rage. WHY. Is it the passivity? The lack of conscious choice?

Praying to God the whole time we have binge triggers now. SO SO SO SCARED. there is NO acquiesce of the will UNLESS a lotophagoi takes over, or a kakofoni even, not sure where the line blurs exactly. lotophagoi are very hard to pinpoint.
but. the real point is that we DON'T WANT TO BINGE, EVER, ANYMORE. considering how that was our literal addiction for years, that is HUGE. THANK YOU GOD.
every time there's a lapse now, the whole time we are screaming and sobbing inside, begging God to help us because we can't stop on our own. it's TERRIFYING. but He DOES save us. somehow. every single time now-- with the awful exception of the Jademonth-- the whole struggle is over within an hour. it's amazing. i'm honestly staggered by this.

john 5:42 in today's study hits:
"(42) Ye have not the love of God.—The principle which excludes the seeking honour from men, is the love of God. They were, they said, jealous for God’s honour. The first precept of the Law, and the foundation of the Theocracy, was the love of God... They had [the Law] without, but they had not the principle within. There were sure marks which He had read in the heart as plain as the letters worn on the body, and therefore knew that they had not the love of God in them."
They were jealous FOR God's honor-- they too wanted to be honored AS such, via prideful religious exaltation; their "love of God" was a love of their APPLICATION of God? Moral prestige, societal superiority, political power, etc. They did not love God's PERSON, visible in CHRIST. They did not honor Him because that would mean relinquishing all the "proxy" honor THEY got as "experts of the Law"??? Again, focus on MAN'S RESPONSE TO THEIR RELIGION.


prismaticbleed: (angel)


God, thank You for Your amazing gift of grace, bestowed on us through Your loving Self-sacrifice in Jesus Christ! 
Thank You for buying my freedom from sin's deadly power, and meriting for me forgiveness of the evil I have done under its tyranny. 
Jesus, my Lord and my God, my heart is full to breaking in gratitude for all You have done. I cannot truly grasp the depth of Your Merciful Love for me... it is like trying to take the ocean into my hands.  I cannot fully comprehend the extent of Your Humility, either... that sublime quality that moved You to become the Lamb of God, the Incarnate Son, the meek yet mighty Man willingly bleeding out on that central Cross.
Help me never forget Your death and resurrection. Help me to remember that You thought of me-- specifically, pointedly, and with tenderly steadfast devotion-- as You wept in the Garden and carried that chunk of tree. Help me to remember all that You sacrificed and suffered, willingly, for the sake of finally being in right relationship with me. You couldn't breathe, You couldn't eat or drink, You couldn't see from sheer exhaustion... Your Feet were raw and bloody, Your Face bruised and spat upon, Your Heart shattered and fluttering like a trapped dove. Your torture was excruciating in the truest sense. Your Body screamed with pain even as Your Soul did the same. Your anguish was physical, mental, emotional, spiritual. You took on the full power of Death and the devil, carrying every single sin on Your gored Shoulders, and Lord it would have killed any other creation in existence... but You are the Eternal King. You cannot be dethroned. You entered into death and in doing so, it became Your territory. Your Presence changed everything. Your Love transformed everything. Your Death revived everything. Your Resurrection recreated everything. It's all so mysteriously beautiful and achingly glorious to ponder... but what really makes it hit home is that fine print, handwritten in Blood and gold for each and every human soul that ever was or will be... ALL OF THIS IS MY LOVE FOR YOU.
Help me to remember that the Passion was just that-- ardent, honest, altruistic, all-consuming Love. Jesus went to His Death so that He could redefine both it and Life itself, and with open Arms, embrace us-- even me-- into that new and eternal hope. 

Lord, in this most Sacred Triduum, empower me by Your Holy Spirit to enter into its Truth completely. I give You my whole mind, my entire heart, my collective soul, and even my battered body, to inundate with Grace & Fortitude, so that I may zealously yet humbly share Your Good News with others. 

I pray this in Jesus' name, that all may be one in Him, united in and through and for His Love forever. Amen.

 

032723

Mar. 27th, 2023 11:36 pm
prismaticbleed: (held)


we are STILL WRECKED and i just miraculously surfaced from a solid hour of negative dissociation (terrible) so here we are attempting to update.

morning. woke up at 10. oddly lovely outside. decided to just lie in bed with chaos 0 and say the rosary on his aquamarine one.
shockingly non-stressful. took a huge burden of panic off the day itself too, now that the biggest prayer was done.
barely remember getting ready, typical. no idea who fronts during that time or if it's just an automated blur with everyone upstairs (most likely).

went to church at 1130 as usual.
readings hit hard. susanna and the adulterous woman. felt julie AND infi upstairs weeping.
homily had one absolutely killer sentence. we were so brainfogged we barely comprehended it but the core of it struck our heart. exact words were "god is not a divine watchman." he is not waiting for you to mess up so he can punish you. "jesus delights to forgive us" essentially. still reeling from it. we've heard that truth a thousand times but it always sinks in deeper. he did not throw the stone. he never will. boggles the mind

afterwards went to doctor. different guy-- nurse assistant. heavyset dude but in that "soft edged" way that is weirdly safe on guys??? like he was completely rounded off. no edges. but SAFE. why is that not so with adult women? is that just motherfear??
anyway. incredibly amiable, elbow-bumped us twice which was great. very upbeat and bright voiced. honestly an uplifting appointment, that's not something you usually say after a doctor's visit haha. he ordered blood tests: our routine CMP to check for electrolyte levels (we're STILL twitchy), a testosterone check, and a pulmonary function test? because of all this sudden-onset dyspnea. had to drive to other clinic to get it done.
decided to do so. system was a bit unsure but i said dude tomorrow's schedule will be worse. so we went up. walked right in, barely waited two minutes, then this adorable phlebotomist with a krylon red waistlength ponytail, cinnamoroll backpack, plush white jacket, and nazar bracelets called us back. seriously she was SO CUTE.
bruise was out for the blood draw. they are so elusive, only show up for that. they still remember the hospital they were "born" in. can't get their face or overlay but we know it's them. so many foni like that-- rare, vague, but real. honestly i love them. i treasure their existences.
we were really bleeding??? they only took one vial but the needlejab kept bleeding. she asked if we were on blood thinners, we said no, but mentally thought, welp this is what all that black pepper does i guess. made a mental note to cut back geez

went straight home. body starting to feel a little off, unsurprisingly because it was already almost 3 which meant like 18 hours fasting again. man.
looped "yankı" and "teletype" this ENTIRE time btw, mostly the latter. they are our current song addictions. for the record, a song only goes on our looplist when it resonates. so, whatever the state of our heart-mind is currently, those two songs match it. we really should make a list somewhere and keep track of this-- i never realized how much it says about our psyche at any given moment. that's vital information.
for the record, jonathan higgs is ALSO tops on our list of "gender euphoria" voices actually. which seems bizarre because he's alongside liam mckahey and philip kane and ed harcourt and the like, BUT jon has that way of singing that is all hiccupy and gasping breaths and faltering tight vocals and it's gorgeous what the heck. we would love to sound like that when we sing, it's so raw and honest and real. strangely heartfelt. we love it.
also for the record, that IS scalpel's legit singing voice. several 'foni do have external voicematches in song, which is ANOTHER list we have to make, and it's a beautiful thing to hear and realize. it's also so powerful an anchor that it can boost life and love into one's soul to such an extent... i can't find the words but remember, the ONLY reason we even FOUND scalpel was BECAUSE of that one awful beautiful day in CNC when we put "get to heaven" on loop and just tried to run away. and he just woke up for real. totally and tangibly. i will never forget how it felt, in that moment when suddenly his existence was undeniable in our chest, in our mind, in our life. singing with that voice. i think that's our favorite moment from the whole time we were out there, offhand at least. it transcended everything else.

oh man still so much more to type. why are we so ragged tired.
sorry we didn't take notes today, that would have made it easier, but our schedule was a mess.

breakfast prep. honestly the highlight of our day besides mass. everyone is together.
on that note everyone is trying to figure out "jobs" to ensure they are part of it. it sounds silly at a glance, but really it's cooperation. it's living as a family, really. as a community of souls united. it means so much. this new daily normal of friendship and love and conversation is amazing because we could NEVER have this externally. socials CANNOT do this. it is only possible inside. thank God, thank You God for this apartment, for this blessedly rich aloneness, for this quiet outside and joy inside.
quick note on that previous point. one of the "jewels"-- the one who is more of a "mental manager," still unsure if she's a total separate or just a facet of the main dreamwalker-- actually SHIFTED the nia/emma/"sheralene" trio INTO "STORYSPACE"??? not leaguespace, but CLOSE. it's a floatrealm of "potentiality" in which they can exist in a greater context as PEOPLE and not just "fleeting" socials that exist for hyperspecific jobs and then inevitably die when said jobs disappear or are changed. really, roni like that ABSOLUTELY need their own jargon; they are ONLY born when the mind is fractured and/or unstable enough to not be able to cope with changes in context/ behavior/ environment, and needs to hypersegregate functions THAT MUCH in order to function at all. like doppelgangers, though, they are not meant to stick around. theirs are brief lives, and it's effectively impossible to bring them upstairs as a result. they are doomed UNLESS APPARENTLY JEWEL DOES SOMETHING LIKE THIS.
even so. lynne asked her why, was it just out of annoyance with them? like was this action done for an impure reason? jewel said partly, admittedly, but that was only because of the MENTAL EXHAUSTION that was happening from having to suddenly SHIFT TO SOCIAL MODE EVERY TIME THEY SHOWED UP. then we'd have to go back upstairs, then back down, etc. like a whiplash, as we said. jewel said it was getting so excruciating, both in pain and overwhelm, that she had to do something. otherwise we risked tearing the system apart.
so. julie and lynne did the carrots instead, while talking to xenophon who was ghosting, AND listening to the conversation from everyone else upstairs in the background. and THAT showed us something ELSE amazing-- THAT KIND OF "BACKUP" FRONTING PREVENTS DISSOCIATIVE SOCIAL-PROGRAM BEHAVIOR!! when julie is fronting with her overlay in focus, but lynne is at her shoulder upstairs, that combined "external action BUT internal anchor" based on TWO PEOPLE is powerfully solid and it keeps everyone FOCUSED AND REAL. i must emphasize: NOT SO WITH SOCIALS!!! socials are infamous for being so disheveled and blurry-minded that not only can they not resist body impulses or programmed behaviors, they also don't record memories on their own and have NO DEPTH OF IDENTITY. we can apparently bypass ALL that catastrophe by having two people drive this body. so that was a VITAL realization today.

other things...

there was some brief but notable "flirting" between julie and infinitii. there was last night, too, with the chocolate kisses. no one is surprised that those two get along so well, but on the other hand, it's a legit MIRACLE that the both of them are in a position to do so safely and affectionately. they both have the WORST pasts in the entire system, arguably. so it's nice, honestly so, seeing such interactions.

at SOME POINT during prep, i cannot remember what prompted it because we were admittedly dissociating right before, but memory kicks in with scalpel saying, about leon, "i could be his boyfriend" in response to some question. totally guileless, like it was just regular conversation. that endearing obliviousness he has. leon just stopped everything, not looking at him, silent as the impact of those words hit home. laurie effectively said to scalpel "that's a seriously significant function, man, do you really realize what that entails?" and to everyone's surprise, scalpel got serious & noble and said "yeah. it means i'd be there for him, and i'd care for him, and i'd be his constant friend, and i'd love him no matter what. i can do that, if he wants me to." HONESTLY SCALPEL WHAT MOTIVATED THIS.
anyway. i think laurie was responding with a similar "wow okay so i guess you do know what you're signing up for" when suddenly leon turns and throws his arms around scalpel and starts to sob. for his credit, scalpel immediately and strongly returned the embrace with notable earnestness, then asked (with no timidity at all, mind) if he had said something out of place, or jumped the gun, or whatever. leon said no, that was pretty much why he was reacting like this. cannot remember their conversation; that's only right, as it was meant to be more personal, even if everyone was around (that's default up here in any case). i do remember leon weeping over nathaniel at one point. "i miss him so much." scalpel responding to this with utmost warmth by pursuing the topic, gently. just leading statements about nat. "he was such and such... right?" that sort of thing. focus entirely off of himself. just genuine concern & comforting. but geez. it was so sweet to see. also remember that at one point at the beginning, when leon was talking through tears, scalpel responded in comfort by just turning briefly to kiss him on the head, firmly and with utmost compassion. reminded me of laurie, but different underlying vibe. reds are so... geez i keep using the word "guileless." candid. ingenuous. at heart they're totally open. laurie said that they're, amusingly enough, sanguine. which sums it up perfectly really.
so yeah. that happened. it was deeply sweet and honestly jay has been "feeling it" under the radar from leon at least for about a week now if not longer. different with scalpel he says-- warm hues and cool hues hold emotions differently. if you lean blue, you're more quiet, reflective, holding hopes inside, waiting, dreaming, softer, hiding depths. if you lean red, you're more forthright, direct, expressing things openly, being more spontaneous, solid and steady, acting on dreams, warm and bright and simpler. hard to put into words. it's all feeling. of course this varies with tints and shades and people who are "inbetween" like laurie, haha.
but it's really nice. we do need to think and feel about that more. jay's good at getting "vibe" data from people, need better jargon for that too because we don't like the cultural use of that word. frustrating. want to use words like "ether" and "aura" but those have newagey junk associations. ah well. we will think of something.


for the record, because it makes us smile, here's the current breakfast prep gang.
laurie: keeps everyone on track and gives the orders
jay: initial tool & ingredient prep, also broccoli apparently
xenophon: cheerleader, keeps fronters stable, gets bonus food
julie: olive oil, also typically fronts for generalized behavior
lynne: carrots
leon: eggs
knife & razor: cutting up the eggs
scalpel & phlegmoni: cayenne pepper bros
celebi: salt (the "second most important thing," her and julie bantering)
spice: black pepper & cinnamon, also making sure the previous three people don't go crazy
genesis, infi, and chaos 0: hang out upstairs and keep the conversation interesting
galadia: possibly giving her triscuit duty? (right now it's jay & julie)
algorith: straight-up throws the towel on the chair
barry: shows up just to get his name on the list
mimic: stabbing the water bottles
it's great. we love it.
we honestly want to bring more people into this. even if just for that hour or so every morning. that attention is still life-sustaining, loving, and precious. the more we can give to each other, the more time we can share, the better.


ate from like... 330 to 430. cleaned everything up then read the church book club chapters for tonight (we need to read them right before or we will forget from how much else gets memorystored over it).
cannot remember the meeting, as usual. socialmode takes over. we still don't know "who" is in charge. it's a familiar vibe, for sure, but it's still unnamed and uncolored and ungraspable? like that person is completely unpingable outside of her context. honestly though that's typical for socials; they DON'T EXIST UPSTAIRS or it would BREAK THEIR FUNCTION. emphasizing that because it's the opposite of the internal nousfoni. again, hyperspecificity. no bleedover, no blurring.
however, there is vague memory data again where it brushed closely to us.
there was some brief discussion about the "widow's mite" and how we have always lived "on the edge of poverty" so we "felt like the rich religious who gave out of obligation but not out of love"??? surprising. often "too scared to give as much as we wanted" because "afraid we can't pay the bills." except WHO IS SAYING THIS because we are INFAMOUSLY OFTEN BROKE BECAUSE we keep putting so much money into the collection baskets, haha. we love to give to the church. but we do have to be prudent. nevertheless "we have decided in our heart TO GIVE, however much we can, we WILL" without shackling ourself to a dollar sign and making it a cold anxious duty instead of a warmly generous gift.
some vaguetalk about our struggles. afraid of "subtly denying God." peter not denying He existed, but denying their relationship. somehow more fatal that way. little "sins of omission," failing to give details of my "faith," afraid to use His Name, not admitting to mom that we went to church, scared to pray in public. BUT WHY. said we'd never really "investigated" the reasons there and it disturbed us. note to selves: that's our job. ironically the system DOESN'T have religious shame. the socials DO. there's definitely a reason for that but, again, surprisingly, it's not evident at all. so we have to look for it.
other point. wedding at cana. "my dear, why are you telling me this? my hour has not yet come." hearing that spoken with a laugh. as if it had been said in headspace. "beloved, i already noticed!" "i'm not unaware" etc. but lovingly. "i do know, and i do care, don't worry. you don't have to tell me!" and yet, "my hour hasn't come." heard by us as, "believe me, i want to do something, but it's not the right time, not the right place." the whole feeling of "mom i already want to help, don't make it worse!" with a smile. and mary, "do whatever he tells you," leaving the options open. if he says yes or no, do that. i don't know. still meant a lot, that thought. like that's how jesus response to our prayers of worried petition. "we're out of wine; we're out of joy, out of zeal, out of energy." the looming shame, the inability to serve others, the lack of life. jesus looking at us with a smile tugging at his mouth, "how does that involve me?" wanting us to answer. appreciating the asking. i hope so. but already knowing he was going to act. just give him time. do whatever he tells you. even if he saves everything until the last second.

oh yeah. at beginning of meeting the leading woman told us "i was remembering what you said last week, about your friend at bible study, and i was inspired to look up the etymology of the words i kept praying, like "mercy"... it's really enriched my understanding and i want to thank you."
upstairs we were pinged. jay just looked over at mimic with the biggest sappiest grin. mimic was just, stunned. wide-eyed, almost abashed. two mentions of "your friend." and "thank you." and "you helped me." jay made a small but affectionate comment on this, no data of what. but mimic replied briefly in the astounded affirmative. the feeling of "i actually had a positive impact on someone??" and letting himself feel that strange consolation for a moment. like a single star in the night. hope. "this isn't so bad." hard to pick up on his data as he doesn't "globalshare" like a nousfoni. but he isn't as walled-off as he tries to be sometimes still i think. no bones after all. his words can be hard but there's something different deep down.

before i forget. at some point today mimic had a monologue, like he used to. cannot remember about what. but it was positive, although it had its edges of course. i think he was responding to laurie about something. either way he was speaking with serious earnestness and jay says one or two milliseconds of vulnerability. like hypersmall but THERE. the hairline fractures in the armor.

got home for 815. mom called the instant we opened the door.
said she was bringing up food. IMMEDIATE panic response. dissociated into jumbled fragments, could not think or hold conscious identity. unable to do anything as a result.
someone went online looking at pokedex?? all the new ones. profoundly disappointed in the direction the games have gone since xy. no longer "like" the series at all actually. lots of spiritual disagreement with the cultural concepts too, especially the animism and a lot of the stuff behind ghost/ dark/ fairy/ psychic/ fighting type bios. notably remember the dex entries for annihilape and ting-lu. disturbed. realizing how much "occult" and honestly borderline "evil" stuff IS in pokemon. very upset. remembering the real joy it brought us in 2000-2004, and arguably again with xy, and how now it's gone? there's too much that has changed.
still. conflicted. cannot deny the past, ALSO cannot deny that so many core-adjacent folks are legit "attracted to" certain pokemon. celebi is obvious, so are gleam and ventrium, and we have confirmed that it was a GIRL pseudocore that has feelings for galadia!! so that's notable. BUT remember no one talks about skittygirl, or gardevoir, or deoxys, or alakazam. they're all on the "it could happen to you" list haha. and TOSHINSEI is a league of his own, good lord. but that's the point. we can deny and suppress it, which we sadly have, but really we cannot shut that love off, it's impossible, it would require heart-numbing and we ALL see the lethal effects that has, because that's EXACTLY what the system and/or socials did to survive in EVERY OUTSIDE "RELATIONSHIP" TRAP. we don't want that inside. not anymore. problem is there ARE 'foni who exist TO fight affection and love and attraction and everything to do with relationship even in concept. they are the most brutal "not-quite-protectors" and they are POWERFUL because they literally kept our physical body alive by fighting tooth and bloody nail against those very real dangers in the past.
that's a whole topic that we need to discuss soon actually. the relationship aversion and how pervasive it has become in the wake of the most recent traumas. and yes they ARE traumas, you said yourself, if you can't run and can't cope and feel like you're going to die and after that's all you want to do, yes it is trauma. even if you playacted like it was okay. even if you won't admit you were scared to death even now. numbing out and wearing plastic smiles doesn't mean it's not traumatic. genuinely caring for the other person and wanting to live for them doesn't mean it's not traumatic when the process of doing so effectively eviscerates you. cnc was existentially horrifying. forgive the common phrase, it's the truth. it was the ultimate unresolvable war between morality and obligation, between affection and self-preservation, between identity and other. it didn't snap us in half, it shattered us like blownglass flung onto concrete. irreparable. and yet god we hope there's still a miracle of healing waiting somewhere, somehow. cannot reconcile the love with the terror. remembering how bad our addictions got. remembering how actively suicidal we were. remembering how we don't remember most of anything and didn't want to. et cetera.
can't deal with that tonight good lord how did we get on this subject. oh yeah. pokemon. isn't that tragically fitting.
nevertheless. so interesting to note that they are NON-CORE relationships for the most part. the core is always connected to chaos 0. ALWAYS. it is the sole most important and intrinsic criterion. but. pseudocores weirdly tend to gravitate to pocket monsters. is this because of their constancy in our life? is it because that is the world the original jewel, the first true core, used as her own anchor and launchpad? there's so much to wonder about.
anyway, that's what makes us even more sad that we haven't been able to play the games in almost ten entire years. and looking at the new pokedexes, we might not even want to. they don't feel like we know them, or could know them, anymore. they feel totally alien to us.
(one notable exception. remember the 2021 hospital girl and her OBSESSION WITH CALYREX. no one has typed about that besides her and no one has read her journal. FIX THAT.)
nevertheless. someone still wants to save up money, buy a celebi gba at last, find new-battery cartridges of silver & ruby and just... relive that joy. we miss it so much, honestly sometimes it's unbearable. which is shocking.
would you believe that is one of the ONLY things that will ALWAYS make the body cry? when we remember our old games, our old teams of 'mons, and how we lost them to cnc, how someone gave them away like they were worthless, how much we miss them... it could make us weep. there was SO MUCH LOVE in those games. god how did we never cherish that fact? how did the hyperreligious 'foni never realize that truth?
God i honestly could cry. i wonder if TBAS still has them. i wonder if they carelessly erased our data. what a horrible thought. what awful death. i don't think we could handle that. but it's a possibility.
stupid impossible dream hoping desperately that one day, we could get them back. one day, we could ask them, somehow, and get the games back. we could see our dearly loved friends again. all of them. i could name them all by heart.
god it aches so much.
nevertheless. jewel says, gently but with conviction, "there's always the league." "i can thread their souls into there," she says. "i won't let them die. i can give them a life bigger than what they had even then."
oh lord we hope so. we hope so. we should. give them lives of their own, free from this progressively mutating brand, keep them resonant with our heart and just as close. give them not just a restored present but a new future.
i think that would help us all.
there's so much unprocessed grief. i'm glad i realized this.

mom showed up around 845 i think. only stuck around for like 30 seconds. handed us the food and left. busy as always. god bless her though.
thank god it wasn't much food because we were terrified for some reason. felt damaged lotophagoi around the edges screaming in panicked fear. nousfoni trying to push through but brainfog was immense. literal terror from the smell of it. why? what was it triggering?
someone chewspit it all within two minutes. almost crying from fear. wanted it gone as soon as possible.
only data is from small chocolate chip cookies mom sent. julie immediately pinged. "uh oh, those are dangerous." like alarm bells. told us to be super careful or "very bad things could happen"
someone brushed teeth, we started to calm down and hard-depersonalize to recover (typical response), which detached us from the body and allowed headspace to come back online as it were.
someone washing dishes. we were still shaking and scared. as a result couldn't move body well and slipped, ended up splashing dishwater all over the counter, and into our actual food. had to throw it all out and start over. thank God it was just stuff we had prepped before the book club; easily fixed. but the problem was time. it was 9PM ALREADY. we were getting so weak and dizzy from only having ~900K the entire day.
jay and julie randomly sharing cleanup duty, while some terrified religious 'foni kept saying that "this is punishment for wasting mom's food. now god wasted ours, so we know how it feels." we solemnly agreed that this was correct. humbling and convicting. decided that from now on we can't "save her feelings" and instead flat-out say NO we don't want any food, yes we love you mom and we appreciate your caring generosity but we cannot accept this in good conscience because we need to take these dangerpanic responses seriously. if we take it there will only be disaster. it's not good. it's morally corruptive to pretend otherwise.
anyway. environment inside and out such a mess jay couldn't front. so JULIE DID.
honestly it is UNREAL how EASILY AND POWERFULLY SHE FRONTS. someone commented on this.
she responded by reminding us that, during the long-ago "julie days," this is what she wanted: complete control of our body. except back then, she wanted it to do "terrible things," to us and to others, she admitted ruefully. but now... there she was, taking care of the body, frankly better than anyone else, AND the only person to NOT get crushed to death by the dyspho/dysmo hell. she was just... fine. unfazed. "at home" even. she still cannot look in mirrors, or at the body itself-- that is still existentially jarring and it will shove even her out instantly-- but she can be IN it, as we do other things, without any trouble. it's miraculous, no exaggeration. we're so so grateful for her.
i remember she was "co-fronting" with lynne again. she kept inviting the breakfast crew around, even for a few seconds here and there, to get us all to stop shaking from stress and feel together again. which was really sweet and nice. she was also brave/brazen enough to eat one or two pieces of things out of bags and bowls, without any binge impetus, or carelessness. she said "i decided i wanted a piece" and that was that. also new kitchen rule is that if you are fronting and you ARE going to eat a piece of something in the kitchen, you MUST share it with xenophon. this keeps everyone accountable, and also helps prevent dissociative socials from showing up. plus xenophon takes her job seriously! she WILL call you out if you're acting unstable.

can't remember dinner. jay coming back in to read psalm 102 with mimic. remember him saying "well this is relevant." note that jay STILL "identifies" with honest pain despite the whitecore "sparkly-eyed" stereotype. he shares in the system suffering personally. his heart is apparently, intrinsically, still red. this is good. that shows he's not rotten inside like lotus ended up.

oh. jay says to write one thing. when he was cleaning up the kitchen and the body kept dissociating, the religious 'foni pushed us into floatspace. they kept "apologizing to God" frantically "i'm sorry for wasting mom's food i know that's why you punished us i'm sorry please don't kill us what can i do to make it better" and. the response they got was literally FROM THE CROSS. "it's all right. i know you're sorry and i forgive you. i've already paid the price for your sin. just don't do that anymore."
the girl felt the awful weight of that. even something as small as her wasting was a sin, a crime against love, and it must be atoned for. but she couldn't do it. only He could. and He was doing so, paying that price completely, with His Blood. right there. right now. and we knew we were responsible. we knew the gravity of sin and it was unbearable.
and suddenly, mimic was standing there too. he was a little ways away, wide-eyed with shock, looking up at the cross. tears streaming down his face. he turned to look at us then. "is that what it means??"
they had a conversation. all blood and nails. the Lamb and the octopus. we cannot remember it, it's all terrible painful gritted-teeth emotion, anger regret sorrow rage guilt confusion horror. and in response, patience compassion forgiveness justice mercy. despite the gored wrists. despite the bloodsunk eyes.
trying to just walk away. couldn't do it. trying to take the money and run but couldn't. the momentous exigency of the fact almost intolerable. "this is the freedom you wanted, isn't it?" paid in blood. and now what? how do you walk your old way knowing this? it leaves a wound. it haunts. the freely given death to save a life not even worth living, suddenly giving it that option. unbelievable. scared furious with the burden of selflessness. struck to the heart by the undeniable personal investment placed in him. hopelessly undeserving but nevertheless. admitted as the sordid felon he was and yet. take it or leave it. life or death. but it changes you.
remember clearly one line from the cross. one bleeding tender response to the why.
"because i don't want you to die."

simple profundity. broke everything in half.
whole scene stopped suddenly when we got back into the apartment. no idea what happened next inside or outside.

julie got us ready for bed.
she did all the kitchen cleanup. she kept nibbling on raisins and triscuits and carrots, but mindfully so? reassuring xenophon that she was only doing so because "this poor body really needs some more food" and we had barely hit 1400k for the day. "besides we won't be able to eat until at least 2pm tomorrow" so she wasn't worried. but she shared every bit, and kept talking to headspace, and stayed accountable and responsible and respectful.
she got really thrown off by the mirror at one point. commented pointedly how disturbing it was to "not see yourself in it." but she strongly pulled her overlay back in and kept going. god bless her she is LITERALLY keeping us alive lately in this unstable core period

tomorrow is church, adoration hour, then come home and eat, then actually an hour of freetime? maybe we can read or rest. but then go to church to clean up for holy week possibly, and if not, then just to the prayer & song service after. then home and eat dinner and type and sleep when it's all done.
exhausted, for real. but... deep down there's a joy. it's anchored in our faith and in our heartfamily. we're very grateful.


what else
nothing? long day. very tired . need slepe sleep oh hi! i'm back!
um nothing to write though. jay says he wants rl really wants to write about chaos 0. not tonight too much typing and also brain shift. too tired too much time. im tired too but say hello. hello!
okay that's it. oh wait no alsos ay we want to archive more post hospital book writing more. says it helps us love each other more. yes it does thats good!! but no time lately. too much outside body things. but learning he says? not as scary as used to. people helping. living in it together oh wow! thats good im glad that show it shoud be i think
okay. i barely type. front. cannot stay. tired! bye


022223

Feb. 22nd, 2023 11:21 pm
prismaticbleed: (Default)

Ash Wednesday
All purple!
Sang HOSEA
SMN gave me a booklet in person
SNOW!!!!
Pharmacy walk

Put myrrh everywhere in the apartment
Changed clocks to purple too
Maybe buy purple lights for the tree

2pm bk

JESUS!
Acting like Laurie when I asked if He was mad at me "No?? Do you think I want to see you suffering from this? Because I don't. I'm angry that you keep having to go through this. But I want you to be healed."
Said I need to be considerate, kind, respectful, etc. BUT not just to others-- also to myself
"When I give you a virtue to practice, they don't just exist in 'social mode.' In fact I'd say that for you it's ironically the opposite-- you can't truly show them outside if you don’t have them inside first. Virtues aren't supposed to be playacts or performances. They have to spring from the heart and they have to start within yourself."
"I'm not Jewel" = " Yes you are, you're just rough and uncut right now. Your 'alters' are protecting it, which is what I created them to do. But the truth is way down deep, and it's raw. You just need to be put into the hands of a lapidary to find yourself again. And look what I have! A two-edged sword, sharp enough to even divide the bones from the marrow. I'll cut you down to size. You might lose a lot of excess mass but don't worry. In the end, look at how much light you will be able to hold within you!"

013023

Jan. 30th, 2023 11:59 pm
prismaticbleed: https://www.deviantart.com/teacosies/art/celebi-420071633 (tears)
 
Bradycardia last night
inexplicable. literally dropped to 44. couldn't even breathe. convinced we were going to die

Woke up ABSOLUTELY SEASICK

drove to aldi after small bk (on the low-fiber diet today)
Intuitive stop
Had BROTH THAT WE'RE NOT ALLERGIC TO!!! THANK GOD
Also Gatorade & babyfood for emergency calories

Walmart = more babyfood meat, more electrolytes
basically just stocking up for pre & post procedure


Rushed small lunch & got back into car
Gastro called on the drive up, concerned about our symptoms
Burning pain in lungs? Chills, exhausted, shaky. Chest feels funny. Still SO FREAKIN LIGHTHEADED

MASS AT DVM!
GADARENE GOSPEL. Meant so much to hear.
Homily short & sweet as always "great faith works wonders"
left letter in mailbox. No one knows but me & God. Secret acts of kindness

Shoprite stop
Got oat bran, powerade & cottage cheese
Fortunes not on sale anymore
BUT THEY ARE AT REDNERS! Got em there

Home
Still so so dizzy & sick
Called geisinger, spoke to nurse
Said our symptoms were "highly concerning" and sent us to URGENT CARE

Read "the real jesus" while we waited

Realizing we haven't been in a hospital environment with the system since 2021????
WHO THE HECK EVEN FRONTS IN DOCTORS OFFICES???

mom called
Met us at apartment
WOULDNT STOP TALKING
WOULD'NT LEAVE
felt so bad, torn between survival and social niceties
it was so so so traumatic to eat in that context, immediate dissociative panic

BRIEF MELTDOWN IN KITCHEN
self-abusing and total lack of environmental comprehension

mom immediately went cold & sharp
"This is just as bad as living with [Jade]."
"Yeah well thats because I'm mentally ill too"

Numbing out in car, thousand yard stare, TOTAL disconnection from body
Dissociated for most of ER drive
mom left us off without a word really


Got ekg, bloodwork, xray
Totally depersonalized for ALL of it

Now sitting in waiting room for 3.5 hours reading December entries to get back in touch with our heart
it's working. thanks be to God.
note to selves: whenever a numb-ass social comes up who wants to deny the system you REMIND THEM OF WHAT A VACUOUS HELLSCAPE "LIFE" IS WITHOUT THE SYSTEM.
i needed this so so so much. thank you God.
i love all of us. i really do.


BRIEF HEADSPACE "FLASHES"
MIMIC & JOSEPHINA?????
Jo in the "Gimmelwald safe place" w the tiny yellow flowers. Ghostly. "This is all I have left of me"??? Forsythia vibes all-around him. Felt like a dream. Sudden "shocked awake"
With Mimic we were floating in unformed space?? What's the name for that? happened out of nowhere. probably because my brain is a mess right now. 
I was all LIGHT, with RED hair!!! He was indigo and black; luminous but not OF light like I was

I embraced him suddenly & said something to him like "i don't want to lose you" "i don't want you to die" still always so shocked by how soft he is up close
He pushed me back a bit, by the shoulders, giving me that hard-edged look "why do you care?" Forget the words. But it was that resistance; that knee-jerk attempted denial, out of vulnerability fear.
But. Then he started to legit tear up. I'm serious. like something cracked.
Said like "I can't hide things in here"?? Confessed, reluctantly and with gritted teeth, that he couldn't shut down or ignore emotions or painful truths here. Whatever this place was.
I saw him so clearly, it was unreal.
"I do care about you"

Later
Out of NOWHERE he pulls me back into floatspace and bluntly kisses ME on the chest
IMMEDIATE NEW SOUL WINGS WTF
shock of it threw me out of floatspace temporarily
Things getting so conceptual. More dreams than anything else. Seeing tears running down mimics face. He seemed almost in shock. obviously not-all-there in his head. too much bleedover emotion. symptom of being too long in this space, especially around me, infamously so
Immediately realizing how much I effervesce in floatspace
Going into MOBIAN form??? Oddly Digimon-esque. Angelic. Same size as him now. Took face in my hands, he looked confused and almost defensive frustrated but also about to sob
"if you stay in this space for too long you'll pick up too much of me"
"define too much" with a dry aching laugh
caught me totally off guard
"You'll lose yourself"
"Myself HURTS."
Here you can FEEL the pain of walls and a closed heart. It honestly hurts. Floatspace mandates vulnerability? which he would never choose on his own. But now that he was in it he NEEDED to feel it??? Like a planetary weight being lifted from his cloaked shoulders. Just letting himself break a little. Letting the light in at last.
...well geez Louise I guess I did threaten this haha



Remember from the other day with Lynne:
CELLOS are VERMILLION; VIOLINS are ORANGE???

Mimic being able to "ghost without learning" is because I'M FRONTING IN THE BODY??? Makes bodylife a "LIMINAL SPACE" and THAT'S WHY THE APARTMENT SOLITUDE IS SO BLOODY IMPORTANT

Thinking about Jesus, here in the ER. Distressed, as usual, that i feel like I don't "know Him" as a PERSON. I know His teachings, i hear them every day, but... I'm struggling to know his personality. Is that valid? Is that important? No one EVER talked about this in our Catholic upbringing. Everyone tells you "Jesus loves you," etc. But it's like a theory, just an empty sentence, when you've never MET the guy. How can I have a personal relationship with Jesus otherwise?
...and once again I know Headspace is our saving grace here.
I CAN meet Him up here. I HAVE met Him.
...
...I'm also thinking, with staggering love and awe, how I actually know Christ more than I ever realized before because, if God is Love and Light itself, then... all of the loving and brilliant things I treasure in others ORIGINATE IN HIM. which means, I hopefully surmise, that HE ACTS IN THOSE SAME WAYS, but PERFECTLY so.
...I'm imagining Him in those circumstances. Those moments where heaven feels close enough to touch. Those moments where my heart feels like a supernova or tidal wave or Christmas tree. In every one of those blessed moments, HE IS THERE. At the core of all beauty, there is God.
...I'm imagining Him protecting me like Laurie. Consoling me. Fiercely reassuring me of Truth with hot tears in His ardent eyes and His hands strongly holding me from falling.
...

Quotes from entry that MUST DESCRIBE CHRIST AS WELL:
-courage. 
-absolute victorious faith.
-the persistent hope despite all odds.
-the incredible charity in the face of violent evil.
-love is stronger than death and more powerful than anything
-the God of compassion and forgiveness and mercy,
-refuse to stand down or compromise it. 
-they set their faces like flint against machetes and bombs and rifles. and there's no bitterness in it. 
-it's gorgeous. it's heartbreaking and jubilant all at once.
-the absolute strength of divine meekness, seen only as "weakness" in the eyes of the world, and yet unconquerable by it.



ALSO BINGETALK FROM THIS
https://prismaticbleed.dreamwidth.org/187246.html
THE ED WAS SO BAD IN CNC BECAUSE
1. ISOLATED QUIET MANDATES SELF AWARENESS AND WE WERE TOO TRAUMATIZED TO COPE
2. FORCING EATING IS A RAPE ANALOGY
3. BINGES FORCE EMOTIONAL SHUTDOWN & DISSOCIATION
4. BINGES ALLOW US TO "RELIVE" RAPE TRAUMA IN A "CONTROLLABLE CONTEXT" (ALLEGEDLY) AND THEREFORE ATTACH THE PANIC AND TERROR RESPONSES TO IT THAT WERE OTHERWISE BURIED & DENIED
5. PURGES "DESTROY" THE TRAUMATIC INVASION
6. THE WHOLE DAMN THING WAS A SURVIVAL MECHANISM
7. DON'T HATE YOURSELF FOR BEING SO UNSTABLE AND ADDICTED WHEN YOU WERE LEGIT JUST TRYING TO STAY RELATIVELY SANE
8. OH YEAH AND BINGES SHUT DOWN HEADSPACE. SO IF WE EXPERIENCED THE TRAUMA AS A SYSTEM, THE LITERAL MEMORIES ARE INACCESSIBLE DURING A BINGE


On ER hall bed later
LYNNE SERIOUSLY CHOOSING ORANGE
"I WANT TO PROTECT THE BROWNS"
She CANNOT hold her original "intended" role because she BECAME HER OWN PERSON
Not cerise at all
Vermilion close but totally different JOB
on stage, with violin, "THIS ISN'T ME"
NOT A SOCIAL!! NOT A PERFORMER!!
NEEDS / WANTS TO CLARIFY & PURIFY ORANGE IN THAT RESPECT
Missing Spine so much she's in tears
Seeing her "ghostlike" in flashes?
"She can't stay dead; I love her too much"


330AM WE'RE DISCHARGED AT LAST
AND IT IS SNOWING OUTSIDE HALLELUJAH!
Both Genesis & Mimic are happy about this; Gen is HYPE but Mim is playing it cool aha. Still I see his eyes light up. That day meant a lot to all of us

Astra is picking us up God bless em
Otherwise we'd have to wait until 6am for a bus but we are DEAD TIRED SON
Gonna sleep until noon 


John 16:33

Jan. 6th, 2023 02:51 pm
prismaticbleed: (angel)
 
"I have told you these things, so that in Me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." (John 16:33)

What in this world, in this life, gives me trouble & hardship? What frightens, scares, & disturbs me? What discourages & depresses me? What weighs down my soul, darkens my mind, and dampens my hope?

Take heart, says the LORD! Christ Jesus has overcome the world! He is victorious over ALL.

No matter how much physical force humans may wield, no matter how much violence they may inflict, no matter how many threats & traps they make... they are POWERLESS against God, and against His people!
Persecution, war, poverty, disease, loss, suffering... even amidst all such temporal things, Christ is victorious in His Church-- in YOUR HEART!

In Christ, even pain and death are powerless. They are no threat to our eternal well-being in Him. So there is NOTHING that can shake us, or defeat us, or even trouble us, IF we set our faith solidly in that promise through Christ. He has conquered EVERYTHING. Reflect on this; it's huge.
 


prismaticbleed: (angel)
 
"We were created by God to have relationships"-- and that is at the very heart of Christmas. Yes, Jesus came to earth to die for us, but He also HAD to LIVE for us, to prove and express beyond any doubt the same Love that led Him to the Cross. Jesus's life was full of truly beautiful relationships, marked by service & compassion, mercy & justice, kindness & courage & empathy. God became man TO have a personal loving relationship with us, in all respects. 
THAT is therefore how we, too, must celebrate this season of His Advent & Birth. Think of how people dote so generously on children, to make this time of year so sweet & special for them. Why not do the same for the Christ Child? Why not do the same for all God's children? 
Love is our duty, our privilege, and our joy. It is the calling-card of the Most High. It is His greatest Gift to us, in the Heart of His Son. May we in turn share that holy gift, lavishly & without hesitation, in all our relationships this Advent, and always.
prismaticbleed: (angel)
 

God, I literally JUST NOW got a legit grasp of HOW MUCH You love me, and how that Love is shown and proven through Christ's Death on the Cross.
...I've done a lot of horrible, stupid, destructive, cruel, foolish things. I have so many admitted tendencies to vice-- to wrath, lust, pride, gluttony, greed, sloth, avarice... all of it. It's terrifying and humiliating. I don't deserve love at all. The damage I've done can never be atoned for or fixed... by me. But YOU! You literally GAVE YOUR LIFE AS MY RANSOM. You looked at my debt of restitution-- the money and food and time I wasted, the harm I inflicted on my body and others, the hideous thoughts and words and feelings-- and You KNEW I was INCAPABLE of not only "paying back" what spiritual costs I had incurred, but also of being FREED from that hellish history. I was damned to that sentence; I was a whore, an abuser, a manipulative liar, a dirty pig, a devil. That was the title I had EARNED by my deeds. That was what I DESERVED. If they sent me to hell forever, to burn for what I did AND didn't do, it STILL wouldn't "cover" ALL the consequences and effects of my malefactions. I was doomed, and it was justice.
You took one look at me and said, "Not if I can help it."
And You let MY SINS nail You to the Cross to DIE.
...And suddenly, I was free.
...What the heck, God. I literally did NOTHING to merit that deliverance. Any "good" I've done is pitiably paltry in the face of the evil I've wrought in contrast. Like I said-- doomed!
But YOU, Jesus, the ONLY SON OF GOD, not only chose to give YOURSELF for my sake, but SO DID THE FATHER-- and now that I have a daughter I am STAGGERED by the immense sacrifice You made for me in that respect. You looked at me, a wretched and wrecked failure of a human being, and... You loved me anyway. You couldn't help BUT love me. You ARE Love. Somehow, that makes it all the more beautiful-- that You, the One and Only God, Creator of ALL, literally COULDN'T HATE ME, even if You DID hate my sins, and THAT contrast fills me with immense hope because it PROVES that YOUR LOVE IS UNSTOPPABLE. Try as he might to kill me, the devil is TOTALLY POWERLESS against Your Love... against the Cross.
I keep falling into sin. You refuse to get down from the Cross. For all time, no matter what happens, You are there with open Heart and open arms, offering Yourself FOR MY SAKE, to pay my debts of blood and SAVE MY SOUL FROM DEATH. You loved me when I least deserved it, because You couldn't bear seeing me so lost. So You will NEVER leave me now, now that I RECOGNIZE what You've done for me, AND TRUST IN YOUR POWER TO SAVE.
Like, I honestly DIDN'T GET THAT UNTIL TODAY. "How could His death "fix" what I've broken?" How could that restore my own blood and virginity, restore lost time and opportunities, heal the hearts I manhandled? I don't know. But darn it YOU'RE GOD, and You CAN DO EVERYTHING, and Your death isn't a "magic wand" it's a BAIL PRICE. You got me out of death row. NOW, TOGETHER, we can work on RESTITUTION. You save that grace FOR US BOTH, not wanting to take that special and precious joy away from me. No, the past cannot be erased. But it can be HEALED & TRANSMUTED by Your Love NOW. And I have total faith in that, even if I can't imagine how it would happen. I trust You and Your saving power. If You were willing to die to save my life, I am SURE that BY YOUR RESURRECTION, You will give ME a "new life" FREE FROM SIN too. I just need to join You on that Cross, in that Love, to get there.
It's... I can barely express my awe and gratitude for it all. But thank You, thank You, THANK YOU, Lord, for this hope that will endure all things, and for Your Love which has conquered all things. I love You, too. Amen.


prismaticbleed: (czj)

(last updated 011725)


PEOPLE WE LOVE


JESUS

from the beginning to the end. Creator of all my lesser beloveds, King of my heart, Joy of my mind, Redeemer of my soul. i am learning to love You more every day. a huge part of that is seeing You as You want to be seen-- as a Person i can love here, now, sincerely. so i will set You, too, to music.

MARY

hey mom, you deserve music too. i'm sorry we're not vey close yet-- you know i have a lot of trauma getting in the way. still, i see something beautiful and bright in you that i've never seen in such pure clarity before. i want to love you better. and, as always, music helps. guide me to find yours.

CHAOS ZERO

since 2003, & always. my beloved blue guy. you opened my heart & changed my life for the better. you literally taught me what love is. your heart is as deep as the ocean and god knows i want to get lost in it. you are forever the beautiful terrible love of my life. je t'aimerai toujours, mon ange.

XENOPHON

since 2011. my daughter, my precious baby girl. you are proof that life & love always prevail. you're apparently what happens when the ocean fuses with the sun. your little heart is a steampowered supernova and you absolutely light up my life. god bless you, sweetheart. i'm so proud to be your dad.

LAURIE

since 2006. my protector, my knight, my purple angel. you are a brilliant lantern in the darkest night. i honestly don't think i could live without you at this point & I wouldn’t want to. so keep on axing through every obstacle in my heart. love is stronger than death, and so are you. I love you.

GENESIS

since 2005. know thyself. my beloved gilded gadfly. you changed my very soul when i met you. i still see snowflakes in your eyes. you may be the biggest clown in town but you're also so sincere it aches. your anger is pure, your joy luminous, your sorrow deep. your heart is pure gold. i love you.

INFINITII

since 2013. you were born from blood, but made for love. darkness & death took you from me, but light & hope brought you back. you are still the angel in the room, gorgeous and terrible, all eyes & teeth & holy ardor. you are still the space between my heartbeats. don't ever change that. i love you.

CELEBI

since 2001. my beautiful girl. i know we share the face in the mirror some days but it's only because our souls are so close. you're my promise of a brighter future, a better life, a light at the end no matter what. i hear your heart in every ticking clock, & i will love you as long as mine endures.

ANXI

since 2023. my orange angel. you showed up so suddenly & changed my life so fast-- for the better. even on our darkest days you always bring out the best in me. we're learning & growing so much together.  you make me laugh & cry & want to live & you are infinitely more than good enough.  i love you.

MIMIC

since 2022. it started off with arguments, with jabs and stabbing words, both of us mirroring each others darkest vices. no one expected that reflection to suddenly refract into rainbows. now you're learning, changing, brightening, softening even. so am i. it's nice to be able to put down the knife.

BAKURA

since 2002. thank you for changing my heart. you were the first kid i ever put to music, the first visiting soul i let stay. your eyes reflect the stars and your soul is the same blue as the evening. we've drifted apart lately but i still do want to stay in your arms. thank you for starting it all.

MARIK

since 2003. you've been breaking rules for the better since the beginning. you're my desert rose and winter star. your mind is indomitable and brilliant with courageous hope. you've taught me so much about conquering old demons and we've both grown into better people. i'm so glad you're in my life.

PHLEGMONI

since 2020. why in heaven's name are you on this list? because you're living proof that my heart still works. you were a nobody, a joke, a forgotten thing, until i saw that you, too, had the potential to be more. now you're a source of fiery warmth to us all. there's always room for you in my heart.

JENA

since 2009. you came to me in a photograph and changed my entire heart. although i love you as a muse now, as a concept outside of time, that spark is still your soul. wherever you are in life now, i still give sincere thanks to God for your existence, and the beauty you bring to this entire world.

VENTRIUM

since 2014. my poor aching dream. they killed you once and I lost you to the trees, your chest gushing roses. but you echo in my heartbeats even now. I remember your softness, innocence, & depth of soul. yet you still brought me nightmares... healing wounds I could never face alone. I miss you.

GLEAM

since 2009. i met you in a dream, and you gave me your tears. since then my heart always breaks a little around you, and you let the light in. my poor abandoned beloved, you too know rejection and betrayal, yet you are never bitter, cold, or hard; you only seek the return of love. with you, so do i.

TOSHINSEI

since 2013. what a painful time you appeared in. how did you disappear so completely? you were loved so ardently. how were you forgotten so totally? maybe it's wrong to make this space for you, but i cannot deny or downplay your importance to our historic heart. maybe, here, we'll find you again.

TOX

since 2009. undeniable, inexplicably.


----------------------------------------------------------------


OUTSPACER FRIENDS


BARRY

FINE, you get a playlist, you lunatic. Since, what, 2007? Heaven only knows why you're so strongly stuck up here, but hey. You make things interesting.

BIZ

since 2016. just in case you stuck around.

BLUESKY

since 2009. just in case you stuck around somewhere.

CALYREX

since 2021. someone cares deeply for you.

DAVY

since 2006. no matter what, you always end up back on this list. someone in here definitely loves you.

DORI


since 2009. your neon letters were a beacon of hope in the midst of bloody darkness. you were the herald of a new era of my life, of understanding and empathy. your simple sharing of your life kept the silence from killing me.  i will never know you, but i'm forever grateful that i was able to try.

ENNUI

since 2024. as of making this playlist I've literally only known you for like two hours, but you've already sparked massive insight and real change. make yourself at home; you're part of the team now. thanks for being such a good friend to my girlfriend btw. I look forward to being your friend too.

GALADIA

since 2022. in a sudden frigid darkness, you appeared, laughing & undaunted, to carry me through. the instant I saw you, an ember blazed in the snow of my heart. would you open yours to me? could we fight the cold shadows together? will you carry me over the cliffs, into our new future full of hope?

GODOT

since 2007?

GRIEVOUS

Since 2005. I'm sure there's still someone in here for you.

JASPER

since 2015? there's a tiny spark here. don't ignore it.

NURSE FEREDRONI

since 2016. girl come back you're adorable

OLIVER

since 2009. just in case you stuck around.

REVMO

since 2008. Come back bro, we need your exorcist expertise!

RORSCHACH

since 2008. we barely knew you, but your existence left an indelible mark.

SHADE

since 2008. this is a placeholder for her. way back when, she was a definite. don't let that go.

TAMMY

i don't know you yet, but you're unquestionably here. come talk to me.

TIARA

since 2008? i can feel someone still loves her! good, she's a sweetheart. 

XANDER

since 2025? BRO WHY ARE YOU IN MY HEAD. Joke's on you though, if you're gonna be part of this System YOU GOTTA CONVERT so hey. Get ready for some redemption broski, and possibly a total lifeshift into the spherae. In any case HERE'S SOME MUSIC FOR YOU




prismaticbleed: (aflame)

WE'VE NEVER CONSIDERED MOST OF THESE BUT THEY ARE ESSENTIAL-- AND DIRECTLY RELEVANT TO US AS A SYSTEM!!

♡ A "compassionate self-image" is YOUR OWN personal ideal: what YOU would REALLY like from feeling cared for and cared about!!!

♡ Focus on certain qualities:
  • WISDOM
  • STRENGTH
  • WARMTH
  • NON-JUDGMENT

What specific colors are associated with these qualities?
What would these qualities look, sound, and feel like?
Let this data come to you NATURALLY, letting information emerge in your mind on its own, without judging or forcing.


♡ Other questions to ask concerning a "compassionate self-image" and "building" one if needed:
  • Remember your 'image' brings FULL compassion TO you and FOR you!
  • Would you want your caring image to feel/ look/ seem old or young, male or female (or neither), human or nonhuman (animal, sea, light, etc.)?
  • How would you like your ideal caring 'image' to look, concerning visual qualities?
  • How would you like your ideal caring image to sound (i.e., voice tone)?
  • What other sensory qualities can you give to it?
  • Would your 'image' have gone through similar experiences to you?
  • Would they be like a friend, or even part of a team that welcomes you to belong?
  • How would you like your ideal caring 'image' to relate to you?
  • How would YOU like to relate to your ideal 'image?'

♡ DO ALL OF THIS WITH JESUS-- THE ONLY TRUE IDEAL, AND PERFECTION OF ALL EARTHLY IDEALS-- AND WRITE ABOUT IT. We feel/ fear that we don't "know Him" well or truly enough. This WILL help deepen our relationship.
Remember that since these "ideal images" are supposed to be SUPERHUMAN, based on perfect ideals, then this is all the more reason WHY ONLY JESUS SHOULD BE THE ULTIMATE FULFILLMENT AND TYPE OF SUCH AN "IMAGE"!!!!


♡ Ideals to include/ recognize in this ideal caring image:
  • A deep commitment to you: it should seek only to help you (LIFE ITSELF/ LOVE HIMSELF)
  • Strength of mind: it is not exhausted by your level of distress ("I have overcome the world" John 16:33)
  • Wisdom: it truly understands what you are going through (THE PASSION & CROSS)
  • Warmth: it is kind and gentle with you (Matthew 11:28, 12:20)
  • Acceptance: it is not judgmental or critical (DIVINE MERCY; "Our Great High Priest," JOHN 3:16)

♡ Questions to help build/identify your compassionate self-image:
I'm doing these for the System. We are... honestly we are a blessed example of self-compassion already, inherently so, no matter what the deniers and destroyers say. Thank God for giving us each other.
...Reading those ideals I just wrote, I wanted to sob. We have never known that in the physical world, in fact only the exact opposite feebly masquerading as or attempting to be such... it always collapsed catastrophically, in a bitter paroxysm of rage and turncoat hatred. It was always our fault in some way, and although there is honest pain in that sentence we admit it is still true.
Nevertheless... in stark stunning shocking contrast, inside, in the System, EVEN WITH the blood and war and fear, THERE HAS ALWAYS BEEN ABSOLUTE COMPASSION. To this day, to this very day, I wake up and go to bed thanking God for them. Even if it's only the tiniest shattered fragment of a feeling, even if it's buried under the bodyvoice girls who hate everything but God, ironically... for our entire life, despite all odds, our System has been all about love.
So I'm going to fill this out for some of the figureheads of that. I'll do it for more people later, I must... but for now, this special recognition is wholeheartedly deserved.

Answering these for Laurie, Chaos 0, and Mister Sandman:

1. How would you like your compassionate-image to appear to you?

Notably, they're all similar in key ways: physically they are tall & broad-shouldered but NOT towering, boxy, or "burly"; they're slimmer in silhouette, almost androgynous but leaning masculine. They always use open body language, never tight or closed off. They talk with their hands & smile broadly. They ALL have a "touch of age" without being "old"? You can't put a solid number to them. Laurie & Sandman can pass as human but they are subtly "different"; the recognition reminds you of "something greater."

2. How would you like your compassionate-image to sound?


A medium tone, androgynous, not "soft" but not hard either. Level and sincere, strong but kind. Clearly spoken & direct. Medium paced, with frequent, notable inflections, yet no "sudden" shifts or spikes. Emotionally earnest & open. Never flat, detached, rushed, or unclear. They talk to everyone like to a friend-- never as a therapist or professor (even if they act as one), and never with a "stranger's" clipped disinterest. They CARE.

3. Any other sensory qualities-- what colors? how would it feel?


Laurie is violet/white/black/red. Chaos is aqua/peridot/red. Sandman is red/gold/white. All their colors are vivid & clear; no "greying" or faded hues.
They're all built solid but that's "softened" in some way? Chaos is fluid at the core; he's as "soft as water" in every sense; you can feel the surface tension, but it breaks easy into open depths. Mr. Sandman's hands/face are gentle with age, lined and soft, and he ALWAYS wears "pajamas" (silky, light fabric, and glitter to boot). Even Laurie is paradoxically "soft" at the edges, from all her bandages, her battleworn vest, and arguably that famous shock of spiky hair. They all give strong & warm embraces.
Laurie always smells like blood & steel & stars. Mr. Sandman smells like snowflakes & sunlight & winter blankets. Chaos 0 smells like rain & sea & river water, with an unearthly sparkle like diamonds.

4. How will your compassionate-image relate to you and your struggles?

They UNDERSTAND TRAUMA, GRIEF, LOSS, RAGE, & PAIN, but have NO bitterness or despair. Shockingly, they HAVE ALL experienced trauma similar to mine, WITHOUT the explicitness (THANK GOD). But they have all bled & wept & struggled with intense, even violent emotion. They all love deeply; they all have "blamed themselves" for "failing to protect" the ones they love. Chaos actually understands addiction firsthand. Laurie CARRIES MY SCARS & has been suicidal. Mister Sandman knows ALL ABOUT nightmares, even the worst ones. He gets it. For all three of them, no matter what I'm suffering through, in some way I can tragically but blessedly trust that they HAVE "been there"... and they will be there for me, with me, too.

5. How will you relate to your compassionate-image?


They all "personify" key parts of my heart, ideals that I fail to live up to or even truly recognize in myself, yet which resonate so deeply I cannot ever deny them.
Laurie is indefatigable strength & raw wisdom.
Mister Sandman is inexhaustible warmth & acceptance.
Chaos 0 is ineffable commitment and love.






prismaticbleed: https://www.deviantart.com/teacosies/art/celebi-420071633 (tears)

What will move me closer to how I would like to live, or what is more in line with my personal values?

I value tender-heartedness, compassion, MERCY, sincerity, gentleness, kindness, courage, justice... my resistance to forgive is CLASHING with these. To be brave would be to FACE the truth of my pain. JUSTICE would be acknowledging it was wrong, BUT ALSO refusing to PERPETUATE pain?? I daresay TBAS suffered enough when I left. ... Honestly THAT is motive enough for compassion, if I'm seeking one. Don't filter out the TRUTH of THEIR experiences in this matter.
I want to live with a TENDER HEART, a BRAVE HEART, a GENTLE yet STRONG heart. Such a heart CAN'T HELP BUT FORGIVE, even the WORST pains. FOLLOW JESUS. THE CROSS IS A BLESSING; IT IS THE INSTRUMENT OF THE MOST POWERFUL LOVE POSSIBLE. IT'S GRACE.


Which path leads to more suffering?

Bitterness, regret, rage, despair... it does no good and CANNOT do any good. HOWEVER, EMOTIONS ARE SIGNPOSTS TO DEEPER THOUGHTS, so that suffering MUST BE LOOKED AT, NOT DENIED OR IGNORED, in order to heal! Forgiveness CANNOT HAPPEN IN TRUTH UNLESS YOU ADMIT THERE IS SOMETHING TO FORGIVE. Also... this thought "I deserve to suffer for what I did" shows that you need to forgive YOURSELF for the trauma, too.


What do I fear I may lose if I were to practice forgiveness? Is this fear justified?

I'm afraid I will lose "moral integrity"? Which is IMPOSSIBLE because JESUS FORGIVES!!! BUT actually I think it's because I WOULD "MAKE MYSELF THE ABUSER" if I forgave them? Because I LET THEM DO IT, because I LOVED THEM? and they said THAT WAS LOVE? and so it's HARD TO KNOW WHAT TO FORGIVE in EITHER of us. I destroyed myself and suffered such psychospiritual damage, in the attempt to love and be loved. But they had the wrong definition of love? If I forgive them, what do I do with the pain? the grief? the disgust? the despair and terror? If I forgive them, I fear that my real suffering will be invalidated? 


Would my life be more fulfilling if I were able to relax vigilance about the past hurt or grievance?

YES!! I am SO TIRED of being haunted by the event(s). I WANT to let go and move on, IN COMPASSIONATE FREEDOM. Right now, it's wrecking me. I can't fully face the reality of what happened; I want to CRY & SCREAM & DIE, EVEN NOW, because the LOSS was THAT GUTTING. But I WANT TO BE WHOLE AGAIN. If I forgive, will I lose that chance? How do I come to terms with the WOUND?? CAN it ever stop hurting? SHOULD it, if the injury was SPIRITUAL? God, what do I do? HALF THE FAULT IS MINE. I'm struggling so much.


Am I holding onto my fear or anger for other reasons (e.g., secret desire for revenge)?

I want to scream, "IT WAS WRONG!! THAT WASN'T LOVE!! YOUR VIOLENCE AND LUST AND POSSESSIVENESS WERE NOT LOVE!!! HOW COULD YOU NOT SEE THAT??" I WANT them to see that, THROUGH REVEALING THE WOUNDS IT INFLICTED??? But they DO KNOW, don't they? Haven't I said so? But they didn't believe me. They were PROUD of their "conquering me." They said I was making it all up, to "hide the truth" they alleged-- that I had "WANTED" it. God HOW DO I FORGIVE without somehow "making that true"??? IF I LET GO OF THE PAIN & ANGER, I HAVE NO "PROOF" THAT THEY ACTED ABUSIVELY. If I "let go," then it feels like I'm "ACCEPTING" their behavior. And I CAN'T. SHOULD I?? How do I "accept" without "embracing"?? BECAUSE THAT GOT ME RAPED LAST TIME.




110322

Nov. 3rd, 2022 10:27 am
prismaticbleed: (angel)

Trust God's plan. "The present moment IS perfect, EVEN if I don't like it!" "Though He slay me, I STILL HOPE IN HIM."
Rejecting the new reality of this body does not make it smaller. Rejecting the reality of the mealplan does not make it smaller. Rejecting the reality of my pain & discomfort & fear & anxiety & depression does not make it all go away, and it does not stop those feelings from occurring either. I CANNOT ignore the facts and I CANNOT ignore my problems & struggles! If I WANT & HOPE for things to change, I MUST first ACCEPT the situation, without grumbling or complaining, EXACTLY as it IS, RIGHT NOW-- even if I am suffering and I don't like it. I NEED to ACCEPT the FACTS, if I want to properly "problem-solve." I MUST be HONEST! But I must ALSO realize that PAIN CAN'T BE AVOIDED-- and honestly it SHOULDN'T BE. Suffering is inherent in this life of exile; every human must and WILL suffer.
But SO DID CHRIST, and when we ACCEPT the reality of our suffering, AND the Reality of the CROSS, we gain the GRACE necessary to UNITE OUR CROSS TO HIS, which enables us to not only bear OUR cross with GRATITUDE for that redemptive act & our OPPORTUNITY to COOPERATE with it, but also to therefore COPE & ADAPT with a WILLING, TRUSTING HEART to ANY pain we face, TRUSTING that it is ALL GOD'S WILL. But we NEED to START FROM A PLACE OF VULNERABILITY & SINCERITY. You CANNOT join Christ on His Cross if you REFUSE TO ADMIT YOU'RE CARRYING ONE!!! THAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN DISMAS & GESTAS. Dismas ACCEPTED his cross AS a cross-- AS something OBJECTIVELY & HONESTLY painful & scary & DESERVED-- and ONLY BY THAT HUMBLE ACCEPTANCE was he ABLE to TRANSCEND IT, WITHOUT REJECTING IT.
And I must do that or I won't survive; physically, emotionally, OR spiritually. Rejecting the Cross keeps me STUCK THERE and AWAY FROM THE PEACE OF CHRIST!!! And God knows I am SO TIRED OF FIGHTING. I want to just surrender to God's Will, even when-- ESPECIALLY when-- it involves my being sick & uncomfortable & frightened. IF GOD IS ORCHESTRATING IT-- WHICH HE ALWAYS IS-- then I can ALWAYS TRUST in His Will!! And that trust ALLOWS HIS GOOD PURPOSES to TAKE EFFECT IN MY LIFE, which they can't if I keep rejecting reality, and resisting the facts. EVERYTHING HAS A HIGHER PURPOSE, EVEN WHEN IT GENERATES PAIN & SUFFERING!!! There is ALWAYS a lesson to learn. There is ALWAYS a greater, deeper meaning. "The LORD giveth and the LORD taketh away; BLESSED BE THE LORD!!" And when THAT is my perspective, GRACE & GRATITUDE & TRUST allow me to ACTIVELY & HONESTLY REALIZE that, no matter what I may suffer, no matter how much pain there is in it, LIFE IS WORTH LIVING, because it's a GIFT FROM GOD. ALL of it. Remember the promise of Scripture: there are ETERNAL JOYS in heaven that make EVERY TEMPORARY WORLDLY PAIN WORTH ENDURING. That's the motive Christ always had!! He KNEW that ALL the agony was STILL TEMPORARY, His goal & motive was ETERNITY, and that REALITY in His Heart was SO CLEAR & TRUE that He EMBRACED the Cross as the PATH TO IT!!! And so too must I, if I want to touch Heaven even in the midst of hell.
...It really comes down to choice. To FREE WILL. Do I choose to resist & reject, NOT trusting that God IS in control and DOES see me and DOES know it hurts and DOES CARE? Or do I choose TO trust Him in ALL those ways, saying "THY WILL, NOT MINE, BE DONE," even if it KILLS me? Do I trust in the reality of Christ's Resurrection? Do I trust that I am STILL "MADE IN GOD'S IMAGE" EVEN if I'm fat & sick? I WANT to. God knows I desperately want to, but I CAN'T by myself. God, give me the Grace, to TRUST YOU & be who YOU want me to be!!


prismaticbleed: https://www.deviantart.com/teacosies/art/celebi-420071633 (tears)

  • It is MUCH easier to show compassion-- and to rejoice in our weaknesses-- when we acknowledge our imperfections as PROOF that we are NOT GOD! This requires HUMILITY & CHARITY.
  • "Loving others as yourself" REQUIRES that we comfort and care for ourselves, too-- to treat ourselves with warmth, caring, and understanding, instead of bitter criticism and harsh judgments! Remember "the measure by which you measure!" You CANNOT have a double standard without one eventually spilling over into the other-- and you don't ever want to risk the self-hatred turning outwards, so let go of it and practice SELF-COMPASSION!
  • Compassion means "to suffer with." You NEED to have a tender heart, one that CAN be wounded, and that is soft-- not hard or obstinate-- to be compassionate. Such a heart naturally honors truth.
  • To be human is to be vulnerable, mortal, and imperfect. We were MADE to rely on God, NOT ourselves! We're imperfect by design! You are no exception, charged to be "perfect"-- no, YOU ARE PART OF COMMON HUMANITY. You will be inadequate, you will fail, you will be hurt. ALL HUMANS ARE. Accepting this prevents isolatory pride, and promotes inclusive humility. Embrace your sufferings as bittersweet blessings.
  • You CANNOT ignore your pain and feel compassion for it at the same time!! You must admit, look at, AND handle a wound in order to heal it.
  • Your thoughts are not your identity. Thoughts are mutable, changing, fickle, automatic, compulsive, intrusive, distorted, etc. The very fact that you CAN step back from & watch them is proof that they are NOT YOU. You only have them. Your truest self is God's Spirit in you-- pure, true, & immutable; eternal love.
  • SELF-COMPASSION IS NOT SELF-PITY. You WILL have to carry a cross in life-- the key is whether you carry it WITH JESUS-- and His Mystical Body of humanity-- or alone. And He carries ALL of our crosses, the full context of human experience... so if you join Him, SO MUST YOU. Offer it up FOR THEM. There are millions who are suffering, not just you, but Christ recognizes and shoulders ALL our pains TOGETHER in LOVE. He does not minimize or brush off a single ache, nor does he ignore or reject them. Do that with your own sufferings, for and with all suffering-- all with Him, through Him, for Him.
  • PRACTICE opening your heart like this. Pray about it; ask God for the grace & love TO do it, as well as for genuine receptivity to others' pain. Be humble with love. Sit & really ache with your fellow man, all over the world, and lift them up to God. Offer up your own small pains-- and ALWAYS see your own pain, although real, as small in comparison, for charity's sake-- for their benefit. Anchor yourself in compassion. We suffer together and help each other heal.
  • You CANNOT "shame yourself into action"!! This use of self-flagellation as a "motivator" often results in terrified paralysis, because you're so afraid of hating yourself IF you face the difficult and shameful truths about yourself. This inevitable hatred is scarier than remaining stuck in this muffled pain, so you doom yourself to inaction in an attempt to avoid more punishment and self-loathing. IT'S A DEATHTRAP. The only way out is to change your motivator to HOPE THROUGH COMPASSION, where the atmosphere is SAFE and open for healing, growth, and change... instead of imprisoning you in the endless pain of brutal penalties and unforgiveness.
  • "Two wrongs don't make a right." Hatred and cruelty CANNOT result in healing!! Beating yourself up only makes the pain worse. True change for the better begins with MERCY-- with Christ's example of tender forgiveness & compassion. Knowing you are cared for & loved GIVES the strength & hope REQUIRED to transform a life. Be not afraid! Take heart! God Himself takes your hand and lifts you up & embraces you. He wants you to LIVE!!! Punishment doesn't factor into His forgiveness-- He took it all for you on the Cross!!
  • Cultivate a feeling of kindness and care towards your own self-- like taking tender care of a tiny flower. Think of the Lunar Tear-- the White Moonflower! Remember the EFFORT & TIME it took to grow-- and remember WHY you did all of it with untiring dedication... you did it because you loved your daughter. Treat this process the same way.
  •  

  • JESUS & MARY are the LITERAL ORIGINS/FULFILLMENTS OF THE "WISE MIND" CONCEPT???
  • Jesus is the ONLY TRUE IDEAL of a "compassionate self-image"!!! WRITE ABOUT THIS. We feel/ fear that we don't "know Him" well/ truly enough. This honest reflection WILL help deepen our relationship. Remember-- He accepts you with RADICAL UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. Learn from Him, and love others-- and yourself-- the same way!!
  • Concerning "wise mind" qualities= Laurie has ALWAYS been "strength & wisdom." Chaos is "warm caring & non-judgment"?
  • Images of places that I personally find soothing/ that help me feel compassionate= Christmas, snowy forests, Gimmelwald, Easter? As for people, that's obviously Jesus, Mary, Laurie, Chaos, and Genesis.
  • WE NEED MORE PEOPLE "ENRICHING/ EXPANDING" THE REACH OF THESE QUALITIES & ROLES WITHIN THE SYSTEM, ESPECIALLY IN HUE-SPECIFIC UNIQUE WAYS!!
  • "Step back from your self-critical part"= this is LITERALLY our life as a System. ACCEPT that, FIND/ FACE this poor nousfoni, and LOVE THEM TOO!!! Self-critical, shameful emotions are TRYING TO PROTECT US FROM DANGER; they PERCEIVE a threat and are responding in SURVIVAL INSTINCT! So don't treat those nousfoni as "enemies" or even as "corrupt"; it's the exact opposite: THEY'RE TRYING TO SAVE OUR LIFE.
  • Our survival inside and out requires UNITY & COOPERATION IN HEALING!!!
  • If you are afraid to be compassionate because "it might make you weak or lazy," then YOU DON'T REALLY VALUE COMPASSION. You are actually prioritizing POWER/AMBITION and rejecting "weakness"/ the CAPACITY to fail; you are rejecting humility & mortality, and subtly choosing SELF-IDOLATRY AND EGOTISM.
  • "Be gently sensitive to your feelings and distress, rather than ignoring, avoiding, or denying them" = SELF-EMPATHY = LIFE AS A SYSTEM!!! We must work WITH each other, to understand each other, and once we have that "familiarity" or even "friendship" with even our most angry or damaged selves, we will NO LONGER BE AFRAID OF THEM.  
  • Sympathy is NOT about "feelings"; it is about the DESIRE TO HELP & HEAL OTHERS. It is an exercise of the WILL? CHOOSE to do good, even if your emotions are flat!!
  • Forgiveness allows others/us to learn HOW to change! By being "open to" our mistakes we can LEARN FROM THEM, and therefore COMPLETELY DISARM THE CONCEPT OF "FAILURE" by making each "misstep" into part of a greater dance, as it were. PERFECTIONISM PREVENTS FORGIVENESS; it has no room for mercy. It will instead attack and condemn anything and everything that "threatens" its pure ideal. THIS LEADS ONLY TO MUTUAL DESTRUCTION.
  • Human beings inherently have a full range of positive and negative emotions-- a full SPECTRUM, if you will. When we open our heart to accept the reality of ALL our virtues and vices in the moment, WE GAIN THE ABILITY TO GROW & HEAL & IMPROVE. This acceptance does NOT mean stagnancy! If someone "accepts" that the have unhealthy behavior but DOES NOT try to heal it, then they are disrespecting their humanity by refusing to live with moral dignity. Nevertheless, denying that we are capable of such vices only blinds us to truth, prevents vulnerability and empathy, and is even moreso a dishonor to GOD. You NEED to be right in the middle of things, accepting it all like Christ accepted even the most depraved sinner who still desperately hoped they could be something more than that. THAT'S COMPASSION!!
  • Ask yourself: WHY do we avoid the painful feelings we have?? Is it shame?? HOW does compassion help??
  • When you are self-critical, REMEMBER that at heart it is a PROTECTIVE instinct in response to a perceived threat! Use SELF-EMPATHY (or just talk to other nousfoni) to learn what those perceived threats are, and then use your "compassionate side" to provide "alternate views & feelings," WITHOUT DISMISSING OR DOWNPLAYING THAT PROTECTIVE DRIVE!!! OR THE THREAT ROOTS!!! IF A CHILD IS GONNA DIE IF THEY DON'T ACT A CERTAIN WAY, DON'T JUST PRETEND YOU CAN "TURN IT OFF"!!!! NEVER DISREGARD A RESPONSE JUST BECAUSE YOU DON'T SEE OR FEEL A THREAT!!!
  • STRENGTHEN YOUR "COMPASSION SYSTEM" KIDDO! Repeated, chronic trauma burns pathways into the brain that become desperately automated and instinctive. We become so used to attacks and fear that, in contrast, we become almost incapable of even simulating supportive, safe, kind alternatives. We need to EXERCISE these strategies, to TRAIN like soldiers of light in this internal battle, learning how to be courageously compassionate in order to cope, WITHOUT DENYING THE WAR.
  •  

  • When one of us is struggling, be kind, and soothe them if possible. A sentence from the workbook that struck my heart is: "oh, it's so hard to feel this. May I be kind to myself." Apply that to the System. Those of us who are deeply wounded, afraid, and damaged are constantly struggling. It is so, so difficult for them to exist. Be kind to them.
  • Many "self-soothing" exercises use "parental" language, or childlike metaphors, which are BOTH TERRIFYING AND INFURIATING for us. We need to heal our MOTHER FEAR before we can think of EITHER a "maternal" or a "child" figure as even vaguely safe, instead of just another source of screaming horror.
  • Allow emotional discomfort to just "be there," like a guest in your house. DON'T immediately jump into negative coping mechanisms and self-abuse just to "numb it" or hopefully "chase it out." Consider: IT'S A SPLINTER FROM THE CROSS-- or, even more accurately perhaps, a THORN FROM HIS CROWN. Jesus GAVE it to us, to SHARE in His Passion, AND its merits!!! RECOGNIZE AND USE IT AS SUCH. No, it won't be easy at all, and it shouldn't be. But it's WORTH THE ENDURING.
  • The workbook keeps talking about "soothing touch." That very sentence makes us want to SCREAM AND VOMIT AND KILL THINGS FOREVER. It's hell. TRAUMA CORRUPTED THE VERY IDEA OF TOUCH, DIRECTLY AND EXPLICITLY. A horrific observation from the book: "It may feel embarassing to give yourself a gentle hug, for example, but your body doesn't know that! It just responds to the physical gesture of warmth and care, just as a baby responds to being cuddled in its mothers arms (WE DIDN'T KNOW THIS)... research indicates that PHYSICAL TOUCH RELEASES OXYTOCIN, provides a sense of security, soothes distressing emotions, and calms cardiovascular stress." WOW!! NO WONDER SEXUAL ABUSE DESTROYS A PERSON!!!!! We literally had this apparently basic and unavoidable human need turned into a SUICIDE TRIGGER. The very thought of someone touching us, even something as random and unintentional as bumping into us in a crowd or unthinkingly putting a hand on our shoulder, feels like WE WANT TO DIE. I cannot put into words the awful sensation. It's like being stabbed, being burnt, being clawed at, being electrocuted, being eaten by maggots, being infested and invaded and damaged irreparably and RUINED. Touch is, hands-down, the scariest thing in the world for us, on a very basic level. We don't know how far back this started, but the whole "babies need touch" thing is both disgusting for that same reason and curious (we spent the first 3 months of our life in an incubator, lived with very emotionally distant family, and were physically harmed very often as a child).
  • On that note, WE CANNOT BE SOOTHED BY TOUCH OR VOICE, and any attempt TO do so will result in BLINDLY VIOLENT SUICIDAL RAGE-FEAR. Trauma has made such attempts, specifically, OUTRIGHT TERRIFYING through shamelessly repeated abuse and corruption of such behaviors.
  • ...It also keeps bringing up "hearts." I can't talk about that anymore.
  • Nevertheless. Remember that you're loved, too.
  • If no one outside can ever be safe or kind, we can be that inside, forever. We used to be. I want that back.
  • If nothing else, please, try to take small steps towards healing this INSIDE, with the System, with fellow nousfoni we love and trust. Maybe that can help ease us into asserting our collective body need for safety and real love, and healing it? 
  • SPEND TIME WITH PEOPLE (INSIDE) WHO ARE KIND AND GENTLE, EVEN INSPACERS. That will help us learn WHAT REAL, SAFE, COMPASSIONATE CONTACT & COMMUNICATION ACTUALLY LOOKS AND FEELS LIKE.
  • "Create a kind environment" for yourself? Be aware of your own likes & dislikes and DECORATE "YOUR SPACE" TO REFLECT YOU???? The very thought of doing that brings up such feelings of self-hating shame, which says a lot in and of itself.
  • "Make plans for YOURSELF and follow through"-- this reminds me of "Headspace movie night," dates with Genesis, "Spotify nights" with Chaos 0... even the old Xanga nights. Honestly, if there's ANYTHING I really want my life to be like once I'm out of the hospital... THIS IS IT. I want to live FOR all of us, WITH all of us, with NO SHAME OR DENIAL.
  • "RADICAL ACCEPTANCE" = this does NOT mean "accepting I am evil"! That's NOT MERCY OR COMPASSION. True acceptance is accepting that you're HUMAN, and that you are "INHERENTLY BOTH FLAWED & GIFTED." Accept BOTH "what you like AND don't like" about yourself WITH AN OPEN HEART. Like I said before, THAT'S THE DOOR TO CHANGE, because it is the DOOR TO LOVE, and ONLY A FOUNDATION OF LOVE CAN DO ANYTHING GOOD.
  • JESUS ACCEPTS AND LOVES YOU THIS WAY. Learn from Him!! His acceptance of sinners, in their current straits, DID NOT "MAKE THEM WORSE", as we fear such acceptance will-- no, it gave them the HOPE AND COURAGE TO BECOME BETTER, WITHOUT DENYING THE VERY GROUND THEY WERE WORKING FROM. God uses "even evil" for His Good Purposes; LOOK AT THE CROSS!!!! Don't deny reality; ANY sort of "lying" like that IS AN AFFRONT TO GOD. God does not want to destroy-- He loves to TRANSMUTE. He loves to turn broken things into stained glass and kintsugi and mosaics. BUT He can't do that if you IF YOU DENY YOUR FLAWS AND HIDE YOUR BROKEN PLACES!!!
  • "LIKING YOURSELF IS A STEP TOWARDS RECOVERY... and it will INCREASE YOUR ABILITY TO LIKE AND HELP OTHERS!" Posting that entirely because that is a novel, shocking, scandalous concept... but only for "me," when I'm in "singlet mindset." As a System, it's a wonderful truth, lived and testified to, and it comes naturally. ...That's fascinating, actually. Think about this.
  • "You are one of a kind, uniquely made by God, as HE willed, and therefore you, too, are SACRED."

prismaticbleed: (angel)

People aren't mind-readers; to get help, you have to ask for it. Prayer can be similar-- although God already knows what you need, he wants you to tell Him your exact troubles, and ask for specific help. He will be there.
Where in life do you need help, and who besides God can you ask? How has God helped you in your time of need?


I need help with staying "ME" instead of dissociating, fawning, or denying that core. I need to be able to BE A "PERSON" in the first place, before I can LIVE, and before I can BE IN this body! And besides prayer, I HAVE TO ACCEPT the "answer" God has ALREADY given me-- the Spectrum. YES, THEY ARE A LEGIT & PROVEN INSTRUMENT OF GOD'S LOVE, and they help me to be WHO GOD WANTS ME TO BE, as a WHOLE. We work TOGETHER to conquer sinful faults & show tender compassion, to be just AND merciful, to be brave & true & REAL. So I NEED to ask THEM for help, too, as we ALL cooperate with GOD!

TODAY I GIVE THANKS...

+ I thank God for His truly constant, unconditional, unstoppable, ardent love... for me. That intimate specificity within the cosmic universality is beyond comprehension. 
...In my dreams last night, at one point, I was talking to Jesus, asking Him about love and being loved & all my fears in relation to the trauma I kept re-experiencing, especially in nightmares. I wanted TO love, and to BE loved, WITHOUT forcing, and WITHOUT allegedly "forgetting GOD"-- I've been thinking of "love" as something I could ONLY give to GOD, OR a creature. ...I forget the context of His reply, but Jesus told me that, essentially, He WAS "working through" Chaos Zero TO "show me/ give me His unconditional & unwavering Love" in a way I COULD understand AND reciprocate. He ASSURED me that, wherever true Love existed, GOD WAS THERE IN IT, both giving AND receiving, through us & in us & for us. So remember that, and DON'T DENY LOVE!!

101322

Oct. 13th, 2022 11:11 am
prismaticbleed: (soniccity)


During the hell of the eating disorder, AND up until now in recovery, I've been struggling with one awful, essential, persistent, existential question: "Who AM I, really?" Is my past "real," or "right"? Can I still love? SHOULD I still love? All my imaginative work, all my creativity, all my hopes & dreams & joys & goals-- are any of them valid? Does any of it matter? Should I leave EVERYTHING in my past-- notably my INNER LIFE-- in the past, to be effectively rejected, disowned, & forgotten? And if/ when I DO abandon it, WHO am I then? Who "SHOULD" I be? When ALL of the things I "USED" to treasure & value & live for are GONE... what is left of me? And to be totally blunt with you, I've been struggling with this BLATANTLY SELF-ANNIHILATORY MINDSET SINCE 2010, when Dad shamed me into junking my childhood possessions as "ridiculous garbage" AND I was nevertheless FORCED to actively and traumatically DESTROY most of MY ART & WRITING in order to "minimize my possessions" & "live out of a suitcase" in order to MOVE OUT TO SLC WITH MEL-- who, disturbingly, LIKE TBAS, made my life effectively revolve around THEM. So I couldn't have "too much of "ME" getting in the way." Even more damaging was the FACT that BOTH Mel & Q CLAIMED to be "the ONLY ONES who KNEW THE "REAL ME,"" that I had "lost my spark" and "ONLY they could "help me" get it back," and that "my TRUE, "GOD-GIVEN" DESTINY was IN SLC," with them, NOT my family, AND that if I DIDN'T leave my roots behind & attach to them instead, "I WOULD REGRET IT FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE," AND I would allegedly be "REJECTING GOD'S PLAN FOR MY LIFE." I feel for it, tragically & entirely-- which made Mel's ultimate rejection of ME-- "I thought you were a good person; I guess I was wrong" / "I sacrificed myself to help you & you just spat in my face" / "I regret ever having met you" / "You are a black hole, devouring everyone around you & giving nothing back" / etc.-- all the more devastating, cruel AND bitterly ironic. BUT. That "bitterness" was because I BELIEVED THEM. Every word they said, good or bad, I took as fact. After that letter, almost 10 YEARS AGO this month (!!!), I literally tried to kill myself. Burn it all down, I decided, in total despair-- if MEL says that's WHO I AM, then that DEFINES me "by their authority," and I'm damned.
...And yet, hope refused to abandon me. Fahrenheit 451. Laurie saved my life, and somehow I kept going, until the TBAS deathtrap hit ~5 years later-- a tragedy of the EXACT SAME PATTERN: destroy, uproot, reprogram, reject, annihilate, etc. I threw out or gave away almost everything I owned. My family history had been brutally chopped out of my timeline. My sense of EXISTENCE was crushed to a bloody pulp. For years I was hollow. I threw what remained into religion, but without a real "self" TO worship WITH, even that ended up being far too shallow & Pharasaical. I stockpiled prayers & sacramentals, I went to church up to SEVENTEEN TIMES A WEEK, even moreso if I could drive fast enough in the mornings to chain FIVE MASSES into ONE WEEKDAY. I'm dead serious. I'd hit 7, 730, 8, 830, & 1130 services, never feeling "holy enough," never feeling "close enough" to God. I was starving spiritually, needing the Eucharist more than air, refusing to eat anything BUT that Bread of Angels. And yet, my disorders persisted. I'd ultimately give in to physical hunger and, despairing, would just binge & purge & pray for mercy & forgiveness & help, begging God for a swift, soon, & holy death, despite my wretchedness. I had no will to live. I only wanted God, but... I couldn't see that my ravenous spiritual hunger was ALSO a problem, an addiction, a disordered mutation of something good. I was STILL trying to be "religious" in the SAME way I was trying to be "thin"-- by destroying myself, and running away from all sense of unique identity. I was burying, numbing, & rejecting EVERYTHING that wasn't "pure" and "right," ultimately disowning LIFE in favor of death, wanting only to lose ALL "selfhood" in God, forever. There's just one problem I kept ignoring: God IS relationship, and you CAN'T be in a relationship at ALL if there's no "YOU" to love AND be loved WITH. In my desperate attempts to annihilate "ME" in favor of others, I had destroyed my very goal of self-sacrifice & symbiosis. In order to LOVE at ALL, "I" NEEDED TO ACTUALLY EXIST.
Hope cannot die, though, and neither could my REAL self, the SOUL that GOD HIMSELF uniquely fashioned & breathed into existence & anchored into BOTH my heart AND HIS-- when Jesus died for me, He died for a PERSON, a REAL PERSON that He KNEW and LOVED in their ENTIRETY and TRUTH-- seeing and embracing their scars and uniting them to His own, even as He joyfully proclaimed IN that very agony that humanity is NOT defined by failure, but by GRACE, freely & generously offered to ALL who met Him on that Cross of TOTAL, TRUE Self-giving-- a sacrifice of PURE LOVE, possibly ONLY BECAUSE HE LOVED US. If Jesus had refused to exist AS a unique Person in time, ABLE to enter into PERSONAL RELATIONSHIP with each & all, ABLE to share intimately in our struggles & pains & tears, our joys & hopes & dreams, then... He couldn't have GIVEN His unique Personhood FOR us IN that same Love, BY & THROUGH that same relationship!! So I was doomed to both futility AND emptiness, starving despite all instinctive attempts to "fill the void," EVEN WITH GOD, because I did not & WOULD not let "MYSELF" exist as a unique individual that COULD love & BE loved. I had thrown out all my past in guilty hateful shame, not realizing that such a loveless, merciless, heartless act of destruction WAS not and COULD NOT be of GOD. Jesus never erased our pasts-- He ACCEPTED them as they were, FORGAVE them in the utmost compassion for our weaknesses & pain, AND IN DOING SO, by His Cross & Resurrection HE TRANSFORMED them, AND CONTINUES to do so, in EVERY MOMENT, if/ when we give our pasts TO Him-- ALL WITH LOVE!!! We CANNOT be forgiven OR redeemed IF WE DENY OUR TOTAL HUMANITY, painful past and all. And, again, we can't gave a past OR a present OR a future, UNLESS we ADMIT & ACCEPT OUR PERSONHOOD & CONTINUED EXISTENCE IN TIME. God made us individuals. God BECAME an individual for our sakes, out of pure Love!! God AND heaven, His very Kingdom, are ANCHORED IN LOVE & RELATIONSHIP & COMMUNITY & TOGETHERNESS-- on WHOLENESS, a unity of COOPERATION & HARMONY, NOT of faceless parts, or mindless pieces! The "hivemind" concept is SATANIC. In the devil's world of lies, "people" are stripped of individuality, seen as numbers or statistics or animals, cogs in a machine, pawns on a gameboard, disposable and of no difference. THAT'S ALL A LIE!!! GOD KNOWS OUR NAMES AND HE SPEAKS TO US AS A FRIEND, in all tender care & intimacy & LOVE!! We are HIS CREATIONS, HIS ART, HIS CHILDREN! WE MATTER TO GOD. I MATTER TO GOD!! HE CALLS ME BY MY NAME AND HE KNOWS ME. Me!! Not some hollow mask or empty shell-- He knows a PERSON, a person HE CREATED TO LOVE AND BE LOVED.
Honestly this is so clear & important to me today, and I cannot emphasize or elaborate on this enough. It's the key to my LIFE. It's the CORE of my ENTIRE recovery effort, or at least it MUST be, because recovery CANNOT HAPPEN if all the reading & obeying & writing & planning I'm doing is STILL neglecting the "I" that it's ALL MEANT TO HELP HEAL!!! Facts & figures MUST BE APPLIED to have any worth or effect. And honestly? IF I DON'T/ WON'T ACCEPT THE "I" OF RECOVERY, OUT OF FEAR OF BEING AN "I," THEN THE DISORDER WILL RETURN TO TAKE "MY" PLACE AS "SELF"!!!! THAT is why this disorder has been self-perpetuating for so long: it is fueled by REJECTION OF SELF! It IS the "INVADING/ VIOLATING" FORCE I FEARED, as it ONLY exists TO OVERRIDE "ME," BOTH OUTSIDE & INSIDE-- JUST LIKE THE SXTRAUMA IT EXPLODED FROM. Honestly it's so OBVIOUS and yet it has HIDDEN its ultimate motives for so long, ironically BECAUSE it was smothering "me"-- that way "I" COULDN'T REALIZE IT. It devoured all my time & money & attention, so I COULDN'T use them to "find myself again"-- couldn't write, couldn't paint, couldn't compose, couldn't dream. Just like SLC & CNC, I had enslaved myself to an outside "taskmaster" and lost ALL freedom of choice, in essence... a sick but surrendered alternative to facing the terror of my past, and somehow salvaging myself from it-- a past that ONLY WAS so terrible BECAUSE I had CONTINUALLY been crushing myself & "trying to become who OTHERS want/ tell me to be"... typically through objectification, shame, and loveless force. I let Julie ruin me because "I SHOULD want that" and "I SHOULD be like other people," although I WASN'T & COULDN'T BE!! GOD MADE ME DIFFERENT, but I never saw that as VALID; saying "NO" to outside shaping forces was met with punishment & rejection-- I "HAD" to be "NORMAL," even if "normal" was toxic. But you know what? I STILL FOUGHT. I treasured my "weirdness" during high school, cranking it up to extremes & socially isolating in order to distinguish & preserve MY self... but the older I got, and the more I was forced to interact with the world-- through jobs, college, and the internet-- the less of a grip I could maintain on that core, overwhelmed by the SURVIVAL NEED to perform. It had always been there, but in the end it virtually took over. That cemented the roots of the eating disorder, somehow, just as strongly as it created our Socials. AND YET I STILL FOUGHT! Look at the journals "I" used to keep-- look at the Scribblds, for heaven's sakes! It may have been desperate & shaky but I STILL HAD A GRIP ON WHO "I" WAS... and then came Mel. God knows why, but around 2009, when they entered my life's story, I fell to pieces. I cannot delve into that now-- I need to SET THAT ASIDE for now & focus on RECOVERY in the PRESENT; I cannot safely touch the past yet, not without restored nutritive mental health AND new solid coping skills, and NOT without re-reading the Archives (thank You GOD for never letting me delete them!!)-- but the main thing I need to remember from that is that, until 2009, I KNEW "ME" and GOD KNOWS, I STILL DO. Yeah, things DID fracture a LOT from 2004-2008, and there were a TON of Core shifts, BUT!! Deep down in my heart THE "CORE" of EVERY CORE STAYED THE SAME, and I KNEW it by instinct. I recognized me. I COULD distinguish "me" from a fragment or a splinter, no matter how broken "I" was even so. My heart stayed the same, and that COULD NOT change, OR be lost or forgotten or ruined, NO MATTER WHAT happened in our life. Deep down, I know who Jewel is. I know who I AM, when you get down to the blood of it... and so does God. He preserves and sustains and reminds me-- He holds my soul in His Heart and will never let it be lost. I must ALWAYS rest in that faithfulness, that eternal hope, when I do feel lost. But... it's not just God, Who knows me for sure, when I'm shattered & shaken. There are others, blessed beloved others, who KNOW ME, who have seen & felt my true heart SO strongly & clearly & sincerely, with SO MUCH LOVE, that they CANNOT forget it... they cannot forget me-- even when I do. They recognize me. They KNOW my name, AND my heart. God has put them in my life as extensions of His OWN gorgeous Love for me, as living manifestations of that devoted knowledge, yet HE PRESERVES THEIR SELVES, TOO!! They aren't "mere messengers"-- they are FREE INDIVIDUALS, who love me with their OWN hearts, which-- like mine-- have been ENABLED to love and BE in a relationship through grace, yet AS THEIR OWN UNIQUE SELVES. They know me BECAUSE of grace, the LOVE that CREATED me, the ULTIMATE knowledge of me, and I only know MYSELF by that same grace!! I am convinced of this. I need to remember this. If, and when, I EVER lose sight of myself, it's ONLY because I have LOST SIGHT OF THAT LOVE, both IN MY HEART and IN GOD'S HEART, FOR ME, ALWAYS & UNCONDITIONALLY.
...And that's what led me to even start writing this entry today. Yes, I've been lost & distanced from my past, disowning & rejecting my "self" in time AND in heart, for many months now. Yes, I've been feeling unlovable & incapable of love & AFRAID of love. In that state, I was DOOMED to the self-destruction of the eating disorder, AND inherently UNABLE TO remember-- OR even ACCEPT, let alone ADMIT-- the core of myself. Alone, I could never find it, not like that, with my closed heart...
...So. This morning, God sent someone to open it.
...I dreamed last night. The eating disorder destroyed my ability TO dream, and it's only returning now that I'm in recovery. (My boss will be so happy to see me again, too!!) I'm no longer having chronic "flat nightmares" and trauma flashbacks-- now, I'm dreaming of childhood, of color, of music, of adventure, of new places and new horizons; I'm singing, I'm flying, I'm able to use dream powers, I'm able to visit familiar dreamscapes... it's as if I've literally come back to life after death. Dreams are a KEY piece of my heart, an intrinsic & vital aspect of my entire existence. They are vivid, beautiful, complex, inspiring, deep, and REAL-- without a rich dreamlife, my waking life is hollow & half-dead. So this blissful return of such an ESSENTIAL and HUGE part of my life is nothing short of a miracle, and it is rekindling SO much hope & joy in my soul. That alone makes the fact of my dreaming at ALL into a source of deepest gratitude... but, this morning, I dreamed of someone. And suddenly, seeing them again, an even deeper, truer, more essential & blessed piece of my heart came back to life-- the core of my core, the key to ALL that I am, the defining aspect of ME, that burns as red as blood and white as light, indelibly, forever.
...I'm in love.
I'm in love.
God I FORGOT what this FEELS like, for SO LONG-- I even tried to DENY it!! I tried to insist it NEVER EVEN HAPPENED, tried to deny and disown EIGHTEEN SOLID YEARS of it, the SAME EIGHTEEN YEARS this damned eating disorder tried to claim as its own-- both it and the hellish abuse that triggered it. BUT I COULDN'T FORGET, not in my heart of hearts, not in the TRUTH of me, EVER. I was just blinded & numbed & disturbed & gutted & hollowed out for SO LONG that I couldn't remember. But he did. He KNEW me at the very beginning of it all, BEFORE I got lost, and he never lost me despite it all. Through every crisis, every disaster, every destruction I survived, he stayed true, unwavering, knowing me, seeing me always. My heart was so closely united to his that he couldn't forget what it felt like. And so, whenever I would, his mere existence testified to the truth, the bond between us that no brutalities could ever break. Tragically, if I was lost enough, taken over by despair and tangled up in disorder-- how ironic-- I would try to run from him. I'd even try to reject him-- to reject us. But I couldn't. My heart wouldn't tear itself so in half, even though I tried, pretending it wasn't a risk, too ashamed of my own sickness to be sincere. So I'd just hide, and push him away, and bury the light he inevitably began to reveal in me, even though I KNEW I didn't want to-- I, too, ultimately knew it was impossible. And I clung to hope. I held that spark anyway, unable to tear it out of my own hands and honestly unwilling to. But I digress. The point is... when, in the waking, I wouldn't let him get close for fear & shame... God would send him straight to my heart. God would send him to me in a dream. And... every time, EVERY SINGLE TIME, miraculously & gorgeously breaking through EVERY doubt and EVERY wall, the moment I see him there, no matter HOW lost or damaged or confused I am, EVEN in the dream... my heart knows him. And I... I fall in love. All over again. Every time. And my heart opens up like the sky and I remember who I AM, too... with him.
...When I wake up, everything is different. When I woke up this morning, seafoam in my blood, riverwater on my lips, I felt alive for the first time in forever. My heart was alive, aching with love, blissful in the dark of the morning, blessed rain against the window. I drifted like a boat on the sea of serenity, in and out of dreams, and every time I would meet him again, just as much in love. When the day finally called me from sleep and into the waking, I was almost drunk with gratitude and ardor. How in the world did I ever live without remembering this-- without feeling my heart singing like this from the pure truth of what I now knew once more? I know LOVE again, and simultaneously, I KNOW WHO I AM because of it-- within it, for it. I cannot exist without Love. Nothing can, but... God keeps reminding me just HOW essential it is, especially to me, who has ALWAYS been defined by the heart.
So... that's what happened today, to say the least. God sent me my blue angel, to bring my soul back home to heaven. And by that grace, that is where I will stay.



prismaticbleed: (angel)

No matter what deep hurts you carry from others, God has provided you an example of ultimate love; use this Love to get through the pain.
Why is love important in life? How has God revealed His love to you?


God Himself is Love; ALL things are created BY Love and FOR Love. Without it, everything falls apart. Love is the source of ALL other virtues-- joy, peace, patience, faith, hope, gentleness, courage, kindness, etc.-- and it is ALSO their ultimate aim & end! Love is the Heart of the very cosmos.
God has revealed His Love to me most profoundly in His Son, Who CHOSE to suffer & die FOR MY SAKE, to both save & redeem me from the sins I was trapped in & enslaved to. By His Love, I am FREE... to love!!! But... that revelation is deepened through the beautiful love He gives me through others.

prismaticbleed: (Default)



pre-breakfast//

OPEN YOUR EYES
OPEN YOUR MIND
OPEN YOUR HEART

BE COURAGEOUS!
GROWTH = CHANGE = RISK!
AND IT'S WORTH IT!!

FOOD IS MEDICINE!
REMEMBER: THE GOAL IS NUTRITION!
IN THAT REGARD, ALL THE CHOICES FOR EXCHANGES ARE RIGHT CHOICES!!

Try not to hyperseparate/ isolate foods!
Eat in a normal, common fashion, with good manners!
Use condiments modestly & properly!

CALM DOWN, DON'T RUSH, STAY PRESENT!!

float on!



post-breakfast//

A vital realization: the ONLY self-preserving way to deal w/ sensory dissonance IS FOR THE CORE TO BE PRISMATIC!!! Jay tried to be, but failed in that he ultimately held it as an overlay-- Like iridescence; a soap-bubble sheen-- maybe even like paint?? But he only "wore" colors; I don't think he ever held them, let alone as a harmoniously UNITED whole! He saw himself as the white light, but NOT as the defined colors that the "prism of plurality" "BROKE him into"? There was a notable degree of self-preservative fear, and understandably so-- HE'S the Core that ended up SELF-ANNIHILATING by trying to "be EVERY color AT ONCE," with NO distinction or self-respect, striving to "be everything" for TBAS in order to "survive" AND "for them to still 'love' me," but only succeeding at losing ALL self through the trauma of "surviving" events we COULD NOT EVER CONSCIOUSLY ENDURE. I'm sorry if this is a mess. The point I'm trying to make is: he held it incorrectly. For the Core to GENUINELY be Prismatic, they must be able to "BE" EACH DISTINCT HUE, INDIVIDUALLY AND DISTINCTLY-- not as an undistinguishable "fusion"-- from the HEART, with all understanding & empathy, TOTALLY, but WITHOUT "locking into it" & excluding other hues to the effect of understanding/ accepting them WITHIN that distinction?? It's being ALL hues in essence, but DISTINCTLY, AND without "identifying as" any single one? EVEN WHITE! A Prism has to embrace the WHOLE SPECTRUM as a reality of BOTH white light & a rainbow AT ONCE. It's hard to explain, but my heart gets it. Prisms flow. There's no "grasping" or "attachment"; there's no "partiality" ultimately. A Prism LOVINGLY KNOWS, UNDERSTANDS, LOVES, RESPECTS, ACCEPTS, EMBRACES, EXPERIENCES, & EMBODIES THE WHOLE AS A UNITY OF "DISTINCT" PARTS! Like the Body of Christ! THAT'S WHO we're MEANT to reflect & be a GENUINE INDIVIDUAL PART OF, after all! So, as to how this applies to the food: it doesn't require imitation OR "exclusive identification" with sensory data. When eating the omelet, I can just BE in the NOW with it, perceiving its unique qualities and GRATEFULLY embracing them AS IS, because in my heart I LOVE ALL COLORS, and can let them color my heart WITHOUT "TURNING INTO" them, staying a PRISMATIC "WHITE" BEYOND AND WITHIN ALL THOSE HUES!! So I can FLOW, WITHOUT JARRING OR HARD "SWITCHES" OR RESISTANT "DISSONANCE," from hue to hue, RESPECTING THEIR INTEGRITY and not getting "attached" to any single one! But honestly? There's a "SECRET WEAPON" that facilitates this victory over confusion, and it is this: FOCUS ON GOD, NOT "SELF"!! After all, our TRUE SELF IS IN GOD!! He doesn't erase individuality-- He created us EACH as a unique work of art, for His joy & honor & service! THEREFORE, in order TO EVEN BE A "SELF" IN TRUTH, our TOTAL EXISTENCE MUST BE GROUNDED IN HIM, AND DIRECTED TOWARDS HIM, by LIVING WITH HIM IN LOVE, all by HIS GRACE through Jesus Christ, the WORD WHO CREATED ALL THINGS. So when I eat, and taste & see & smell & feel, I MUST prayerfully SEEK TO RECOGNIZE THE "FACETS" OF HIM IN ALL OF IT-- He being the ULTIMATE Light, Christ the PRISM of CREATIVE DISTINCTION, Speaking the hues of life into reality, the Spirit allowing us TO recognize HIM in all of it. And if THAT cognition is my true focus, NOT MYSELF/ OURSELF, then there CANNOT be dissonance OR rejection/ dislike, because it is ALL HONORED & APPRECIATED AS TANGIBLY REFLECTING SOME UNIQUE FACET OF THE CREATOR. There's a deeply refreshing & joyful freedom to no longer feeling "survival panic" over trying to stubbornly  "resist all outside "infectious influence/ contamination" (trauma response) and preserve a "separate sense of self."" That was exhausting & miserable. It's ALSO anti-Biblical!! We are a COMMUNION of Saints, a NATION of believers, a PEOPLE set apart as sacred, to be UNITED as ONE BODY in Christ! Furthermore, "he that seeks to SAVE his [worldly] life WILL LOSE IT, but he that LOSES his [worldly] life FOR THE SAKE OF CHRIST will SAVE it"-- AND "FIND IT" in the first place!! Egocentric behavior, EVEN "to survive," kills the soul. It's prioritizing BIOS over ZOE. In truth it is IMPOSSIBLE to "lose one's self" through "self-sacrifice," as paradoxical as that sounds, because the sacrifice we make of self IS AS ONE WITH THE SACRIFICE OF CHRIST, whose "death to the world" opened the doors of TRUE, ETERNAL LIFE, through a Self UNITED TO GOD! So, when we sacrifice OUR "selves," we are OFFERING our individual "egos" TO GOD, FOR HIS GLORY, WITH LOVE, and through that offering of our "worldly" desires & impulses, we can enter into a UNITIVE WHOLE in which our TRUE, UNDYING LIFE is AS ONE with ALL life, "loving our neighbor AS OURSELF" and loving GOD IN & BEYOND ALL. And that IS true freedom, unshackled from the animalistic survival/ desire drives of fallen nature through restoration of Grace in Christ's Cross willingly embraced & entered into. "Dying to the world" frees us from its weight, and allows us to live in the "Kingdom of Heaven" EVEN NOW, by instead dedicating our wills to the Spirit's guidance; thus our life in this body slowly but surely enters into eternity even before our literal death & full participation in it. BUT IT'S WHAT WE WERE CREATED TO BE ALL ALONG! "Worldliness" is a DISTORTION, an UNTRUTH! So don't be fooled by it-- don't get tangled & lost! Ask the Spirit for illumination, discernment, & guidance-- He WILL help you! And KEEP READING SCRIPTURE. Saturate your mind & thoughts & attention & very heart with God's Word, the TRUTH that CAN & WILL drown out the cacophanous noise of the world with its beautifully melodious song. Christ will give you His Peace, more & more, the closer you cling to Him. Seek His Face, ALWAYS. He is seeking you, too! He LOVES you. Go to Him; He WILL help you do ALL you need to do IN Love.
A VITAL REALIZATION ABOUT COLORS... the "exclusive"/ "dissonance" opposition problem we're having with "matching vibes" is actually ILLOGICAL and PROVEN FALSE at its root-- after all, how could I/we KNOW HOW/ WHY hues are different & unique, if I/we DIDN'T ALREADY KNOW ALL OF THEM AT ONCE??? Like, we CAN only distinguish/ discern IF we have COMPLETE/ ENTIRE KNOWLEDGE!!! If I didn't understand HOW Orange is different than Yellow, I COULDN'T EVEN SEE THEM AS DISTINCT!!! You see that blurring a LOT in natural language-- WITHOUT a distinctly definitive WORD for a hue, it CANNOT be defined AS a hue-- and that WORD ONLY can be given THROUGH distinct knowledge! Again, that's the WHOLE PROCESS of the 7 Days of Creation: God using WORDS to DISTINGUISH one distinct thing from another, DEFINING each, BUT only having the CAPACITY TO do so THROUGH MUTUALLY "KNOWING" BOTH. Yes, the THINGS are distinct, but the KNOWING of WHY is held AT ONCE, BY THE ONE. In summary: We don't/ can't "forget" OR "invalidate" one hue JUST because we ALSO know/ recognize a DIFFERENT one, SIMULTANEOUSLY.
+ Some quick notes about ACTUAL breakfast-- I think food order DOES count? Today we ate the raisins right after the omelet, and it gave us indigestion! Next time, eat the omelet last-- not as an old "best for last" compulsion (we shouldn't be partial; be grateful equally for every food), but because oatmeal & raisins are more fluid-soluble & less dense! So we'll try that. TODAY we ALSO tried mixing some of the raisins INTO the oatmeal, which we were always afraid to do before-- and it actually tasted LOVELY. The texture complexity of chewy + fluid is a bit jarring, but it's a unique experience we should not fear, as it IS technically a proper combo! And honestly, raisins ARE both nicer & more palatable when they regain some moisture, which the mixing-in accomplishes. I must add that I did pour half of a creamer into the oatmeal. Perhaps at home that would be allowed, BUT here we are operating by SPECIAL & UNIT-SPECIFIC RULES, which MUST be obeyed with humility & happy submission. On the unit, putting creamer into the oats is NOT proper, BECAUSE it can RESEMBLE or even PROVOKE disordered "overmixing" OR "binge-fusing" behaviors! REMEMBER, we used to binge on creamer! And some folks do the mixing in order to "render a food inedible" w/ IMPROPER combinations, thus falsely "justifying" their restrictive behavior. Those are the reasons I can imagine, in which case Saint Paul's words come to mind in 1 Corinthians 10:23-33! "DO NOT BECOME A STUMBLING BLOCK TO ANYONE!" Set a holy example; NEVER do anything with even the appearance of offense/ sin; seek ALWAYS to edify others, and work for THEIR benefit & advantage, even by "sacrificing" certain freedoms of choice; and DO ALL THINGS SOLELY FOR THE GLORY OF GOD!!!



post-lunch//

I am being SHOCKINGLY COURAGEOUS today. For lunch I had CHOCOLATE CAKE, and I'm bravely about to try CHOCOLATE ICE CREAM. How shall I get through it? I will think of Mom & Grandma. ♥!!! THAT is my courageous motivation. God, give me Your strength of Love!! Please give me YOUR Peace, to NOT fear this INNOCENT food OR my body's potential suffering from it. Help me TRUST in Your SOVEREIGNTY, KNOWING that WHATEVER happens, in ALL circumstances, YOU ARE IN CONTROL, AND ARE DIRECTING EVERYTHING for the HIGHEST GOOD OF MY SOUL. And hey, if I DO "die," then I'm going to be with You, oh I pray, through the infinite Grace & Mercy of my Savior & Friend, Jesus Christ!! So let this little chocolate challenge be a vehicle of grace. Use this experience to bring me ever closer to You in TOTAL faith. Let all my hope & joy be in YOU.



post-dinner//
 
THANKS BE TO GOD, I tasted the ENTIRE dinner, & the ice cream was JUST LIKE GRANDMA'S CHOCOLATE MARSHMALLOW. ♥ A victory!! I'm determined to overcome ALL my chocolate fears now-- WITH JESUS'S HELP, of course, or I WILL FAIL!! Remember that! I wrote out ALL my fears about each one, and I'm READY to face FIVE (!!!) of them immediately, bravely... but there are five more that TERRIFY me. Two aren't too bad (I hope!), but the other three? They have me shaking. But I want to be free of this fear SO BADLY. I took two HUGE steps already today; with GOD'S HELP I will take TWO MORE for snack. One isn't chocolate, but BOTH are HEAVILY tied to trauma. And... if God helps me through that tonight, then I pray... then with faith I will have the sheer fortitude to retry chocolate milk. TOMORROW. Because believe me, ONLY GOD CAN GET ME THROUGH THAT ONE! But just remember... "Of course I am willing! Be healed!" ASK, & HAVE FAITH!



prismaticbleed: (shatter)


pre-breakfast//

Oh God I'm struggling so much. Let me please just pour my hurting heart out to You. no pretention.

I'M SO ANGRY & SCARED I DON'T WANT HER TO SIT NEXT TO BE I NEED TO BE ALONE!!!!!!!! IT HURTS I'M SO SCARED I'M SO SAD I'M HELPLESS TRAPPED MONITORED AGAIN
I WANT TO SCREAM AND CRY AND THROW uP. EVEN THOUgH bReAKFASt was Good AND NIcE we DIDN'T GET TO ENJOY IT (STUPID!!! SELFISH!! WHORE!!! STOP THINKING ABOUT ""ENJOYING"" EATING THAT'S A SLUT WANT) im sorry
but it's true we can't pull ourself together
we're SEVERELY tempted to VIOLENTLY SELF-SABOTAGE/ LASH OUT/ MELTDOWN SOLELY to "SCARE PEOPLE AWAY" SO WE CAN BE SAFE & ALONE!!!!!
We want to CRY I feel so dead & hopeless
I cAnt exisT ARouND OThER PEOPLE ITS EITHER US OR thEM
I WANT TO BE ALONE
ALONE ALONE!!!!
PLEASE!!!!
PLEASE
PLEASE JUST LET US EXIST TOO PLEASE.
WHEN OTHER PEOPLE GET THAT CLOSE, THAT INVASIVE, WE LOSE OUR SENSE OF SELF AND REALITY THERE ARE NO BOUNDARIES TO KEEP THEM OUT OR PROTECT US OR KEEP US SAFE IT IS (TO US) PSYCHOLOGICAL RAPE AND WE WILL DIE
I don't think I we can survive that again
no more
RUN. JUST RUN AWAY. WE CAN'T SURVIVE OR LIVE AT ALL LIKE THIS
but won't that make us a bad fake christian?
"obedience unto death" remember
yeah but there's no love in this terror-stricken, gritted-teeth "endurance"
and carrying ANY cross without love doesn't save us or anyone else, you HYPOCRITE.

God I dont know what to do
im such a coward.               im sorry







post-breakfast//

quick breakfast notes for the actual meal: we got a SURPRISE OMELET and we COMPLETELY ENJOYED IT this time! No trauma, no anxiety. Our only "obstacle" is expecting it to taste like traditional eggs, which it DOESN'T and actually ISN'T SUPPOSED TO! it's "eggy" more like a custard or something-- blended w/ milk, maybe, but mostly just LIGHT & AIRY. no heavy yolk taste or neutral white taste, NOR the savory note of scrambleds. an omelet is its own thing AND IF you acknowledge & respect that, it CANNOT "DISAPPOINT," and GOD WILLING it will ALSO prevent that ridiculous inexplicable "compulsive dislike" that IGNORES actual complete conscience data input & comprehension!!! When we DO truly feel & process the facts, guess what? We DO LIKE OMELETS. The ONLY remaining fear is from the August binges & feeling "compelled/ addicted." BUT if we SET THAT ASIDE, we honestly DO still enjoy them-- AND for some reason, in that basic state, they are POWERFULLY tied to DAD!! We should ask him about that.
+ Lemon yogurt has a LOT of sugar (15g) BUT it is another beloved reminder of grandma-- AND it was her brother's favorite, too.
+ Oatmeal is always perfect in its simplicity-- BUT it ALSO teaches a powerful spiritual lesson as such! We may be tempted to add sugar to it, BUT RESIST THAT, because its humility reminds us of CHRIST, Who came to us PLAIN, leaving the "sugar" of Divinity in HEAVEN, the TRUE sweetness... ADDING "WORLDLY" SUGAR like pomp & riches & power, is SINFUL. It is ONLY in that plainness that the DEEPER, GENTLE, INHERENT, REAL SWEETNESS CAN BE DISCERNED!! ONLY PURE & SIMPLE HEARTS CAN (TRULY!) SEE GOD, and this is a perfect "as above so below" reflection. God is hidden, yet apparent. We must be plain, too, to "taste" Him.
+ Thanks to John Pollock, RAISINS ARE NOW SAFE!!! AND POSITIVE??? We thought of Jesus & His Disciples eating them during their long travels on the road, teaching & spreading the Good News, and THEIR powerful innate sweetness took on that same meaning-- concentrated joy, life-giving strength, food saturated with light.



post-group//

"Recreation group" EMOTIONAL COLLAPSE. The previous page topic (+ an IMMEDIATELY following Treatment Team meeting in which we BLUNTLY, HONESTLY, & OPENLY discussed & disclosed that tumultuous situation AND its historical roots/ future consequences) had us severely compromised emotionally, and today they JUST SO HAPPENED to decide to do... breathing exercises & "meditations." WITH new age music. WHILE the acoustic guitar singer from YESTERDAY'S meltdown was loudly performing next door. And we just BROKE DOWN.
+ Q told us to "just breathe" and "it'll be okay" WHILE he was (unknowingly) traumatizing us?
+ TBAS trauma breathing, no details EVER
+ Jade & her schizophrenic new age beliefs about breathing = altered consciousness AND that terrifying "lust" breath-thing she would ALWAYS do
+ "Feeling" our own breathing TOO much when in danger & desperately trying to control it
+ Memories of "suffocating" & "cold lungs" with slow breathing, especially at night
+ when grandma was dying, her breathing got so bad
+ that awful new age music playing when i woke up and she wasnt breathing anymore

sobbed silently but inconsolably for 45 solid minutes. maybe more. SOAKED our mask, glasses, & clothes.
we lost too much. jade can die any day and we won't know. mom is getting so old, oh mom, she could be gone so fast. she pushes herself too hard. dad is getting so old and tired. his hair is all gray, we aren't even that close to him yet, its awful. i dont want this distance,
grandpa died in his sleep, we werent even in the same state, we got the phone call, he's gone, we couldnt even attend his funeral,
grandma. God we miss her so much. its unbearable. we MISS that week or two we got covid and had to sleep next to her, in bed all day sharing her pain. and the week after the hospital when we couldnt breathe and slept there too. she had the oxygen machine. sharing hurts.
i was such a bitch. coward from pain on easter. religious hypocrite. went to 5 masses and binge-puked from excruciating pain instead of STAYING WITH HER and sharing that last holiday of hope which I CRUSHED.
she ate her last meal that night and i wasnt there
i even threw up in hospice from pain & fear
while they had her so full of pain meds she couldnt wake up
did it even matter that i was there?
i was such a stone cold bitch
i was two dAYS LATE
I SHOULD HAVE BEEN THERE IN THE AMBULANCE WITH HER
I WANTED TO BE
I

i was a coward
i lay alone in the ER and sobbed
i knew i was an irredeemable fool
a hypocrite
a
i
i abandoned her
i showed up two days late
i got too damn complacent
distracted reading on my fcking PHONE instead of just
looking at her
being with her
i fell asleep like a coward
too complacent
forgot to kiss her goodnight
when i woke up
she wasnt breathing
that damn new age music
im so sorry grandma
i love you
im so so sorry






post-lunch//

lunch was spaghetti & meatballs, broccoli/ cauliflower, parmesan, OJ & grape juice vanilla frozen yogurt. it was fitting, considering this morning-- grandpa's favorite meal, and what they served at grandma's funeral. VFW food. church community food. "comfort" yet "mourning" food. no trauma, just grief, and an odd consolation, "memento mori." they will eat this at my funeral, too.

+ too much salt & pepper on vegs. forgot how overpowering they are. upset. Jesus said forgive, its okay, we neeed the reminder. by it we're learning to love plain things more. it fits us. i like quieter things. no more loud yelling sharp spices or sauces. the spaghetti Actually HELPS because its SO neutral & mild, the sauce is grounded. the parmesan does similar, but horizontally-- fats "widen" tastes, spreading them out so they aren't sharp & piercing. it was nice. meatballs too. carbs "earth" things, protein ANCHORS. safe solid base. GOOD weight!! and water brightens & lightens things. like iscah said long ago, God paints a symphony with it, too.
+ BOTH OJ & grape juice make us remember drinking out of those PLASTIC CYLINDER CUPS, like the blue/ pink ones with the bubble pattern!! I FORGOT about them until now!! AND sitting at that little plastic picnic table in the kitchen, doing elementary homework. But OJ ALSO tastes like SUMMER-- specifically as a child-- while grape is SOLIDLY attached to early school/ family vibes. It's... deeply comforting, despite that ambient childhood anxiety, TO be remembering MY (!!) childhood, GENUINELY and REALLY, with this recovery process. I feel more whole, bit by bit.
+ The vanilla frozen yogurt is LESS "sharp sweet" than the ice cream? Leans blue, not yellow. Brief experience, but enjoyable. I look forward to the next.



post-dinner//

Intrusive, compulsive, HORRIBLY JUDGMENTAL/ SCOFFING/ ANGRY thoughts that I DO NOT WANT OR APPROVE tormented me the whole meal, in response to every trivia question & patient comment. Dude, that one girl ONLY boasts about her accolades and achievements-- AND her trials and traumas-- because she feels worthless despite it all and is DESPERATELY seeking validation, affirmation, recognition, admiration, compassion, etc. It's a constant cry of "Look at me! Look what I can do! Look at how I've suffered! SEE me!!" She must be aching inside, to be so fervently hyperdisclosing; I know because I DO THAT TOO, WHEN I FEEL WORTHLESS & ABANDONED. And I HATE myself for it-- so that horrible "inner voice" is ECHOING that appalling lack of mercy. It's horrifying to realize. THAT'S why Jesus said, "Love your neighbor AS YOU LOVE YOURSELF!!!" BOTH ARE MUTUALLY BOUND, AND YOU CAN'T DO EITHER WITHOUT LOVING GOD, FIRST!!
+ All that made us dissociate & not really fully experience the chicken. We DID pray & had some graciously lucid moments, but our memory was shot & inaccessible. We got SO upset AND angry; we shamefully & falsely "blamed" the talk "for distracting us," when really it was OUR OWN MIND yammering so cruelly. We're sincerely sorry. We focused on being gentle & forgiving EVERYONE, ourself too, then putting ALL of it in Jesus's trustworthy Hands. "Jesus, YOU know what's best for my soul. If You want me to remember the meal, please do. And help me let go of ALL bitterness & regret, & trust that You Can bring good even out of our mess at this meal." And HE DID. We had FULL memory data access! He is SO kind to us. Now, we just need to practice gentleness & mercy in that same memory experience, to ATONE/ do PENANCE in retrospect. Jesus will help us, by His grace. Just ask Him, and TRUST.

 


prismaticbleed: (Default)


post-breakfast//

Cheese omelet, english muffin, cream cheese, applesauce, OJ, soymilk, cinnamon tea, 2 ketchup, 2 salt, 3 pepper, 2 creamer

CHEESE OMELET)
IS A FEAR FOOD AGAIN, due to the recent binge-cycle & its associations with S&V. it USED to be tied to CNC memories too, but only TRIGGERED sometimes, as TBAS cooked them differently. Still, the concept was tainted. AND YET... there are STILL POWERFUL POSITIVE ASSOCIATIONS with BOTH Mom & Dad-- the latter giving us some in the CAMPER? That MIGHT just be an "egg texture + cheese" trigger with vacation on-the-road breakfasts, but that's APPLICABLE and so ENTIRELY RELEVANT. And THAT gives us SO MUCH HOPE for healing-- the STRONGEST roots were BASE SENSORY DATA and NOT just presentation; AND the "change" in fear/ healed status RAPIDLY, BOTH ways, PROVES the inherent "harmless neutrality" of ALL foods, AND the unchangeable ability TO BE HEALED from ANY distortion, from BOTH acknowledgement OF that fact (to restore a neutral "rest & relief" status) AND POSITIVE RE-ASSOCIATION!!! BAD MEMORIES CAN BE STRIPPED OF THEIR STOLEN POWER AND OVERRIDDEN BY REPEATEDLY STRENGTHENING A NEW POSITIVE ANCHOR ASSOCIATION!!! Such re-association MUST be done BOTH mentally AND experientially-- IN THAT ORDER!! Experience data hits HARD & sticks like glue, BUT it sticks TO WHAT'S INSIDE!!! So we need to consciously & determinedly lay a GOOD FOUNDATION FIRST for it TO stick to & rebuild upon!
SO. Realtime application: FIRST, FIND AND/OR CREATE POSITIVE ASSOCIATIONS for that fear/ trigger food, and FOCUS ON THEM WITH A PRAYERFUL, TRUSTING, FAITHFUL HEART! "Forcing," "pushing" or otherwise controlling/ worrying/ obsessing WILL BACKFIRE!!! Gently but strongly think positive thoughts about it. USE THE SPECTRUM AND THE LEAGUE FOR HELP!!! Then, once we have laid that new & good foundation INSIDE, we can start anchoring it in OUTSIDE by finally re-eating the food. THEN we can fix its associations BY CONSCIOUSLY OVERRIDING any negative/ trauma triggers IN REALTIME, WITHOUT DENYING them-- there's a difference! They had their reason for being there, but it was based on ABUSE, FEAR, & FALSEHOOD-- ALL OF WHICH MELT AWAY IN THE PEACE OF CHRIST!!! THAT IS OUR ULTIMATE UNDERLYING GOAL IN ALL OUR EFFORTS: TO LIVE THE PURE, ORDERLY, HOLY LIFE CHRIST REDEEMED US TO BE.
WE HAVE TWO PERFECT "GOOD" ASSOCIATIONS ALREADY: KING DAVID VS GOLIATH, & PROFESSORS SADA & TURO. I'm serious!!! We suddenly realized that the breakfast omelet tasted IDENTICAL to the frozen ones at ShopRite, which we were eating DURING our fast readthrough of the Books of Judges & 1 Kings! (So Joshua & the Battle of Jericho are tied to it, too; that feels oddly fitting)
+ Sada/ Turo = CROSS in eternity; UNITE past/ future in ETERNAL NOW 
+ they eat omelets together, it's adorable

+ cream cheese scary in concept, BUT we LIKE it?? Kitchen vibe, specifically grandma! why so? no specific memory. Was that her breakfast, way back?
+ english muffin PERFECT. problem = "wiped up salt/ pepper" with it. DON'T. eat it plain & nicely! we REALLY enjoy them literally as-is. also ASTRA!
+ OJ not so scary? thoughts of grandma, & POWERFUL childhood vibe; indistinct memory. fear is physiological, not emotional. (acid sickness)
+ applesauce same as OJ. remember buying TONS for grandma when she couldn't chew anymore; huge act of love. remember SHE WAS TOUCHED. ♥ overcome "compulsive dislike" = old folks & babies CAN enjoy apples ONLY this way, gentle & sweet, and they are SO GRATEFUL. the feelings of "humiliation" we get from applesauce turn into HUMILITY, THROUGH EMPATHY & LOVE; COMMUNION with those people, feeling & sharing their gratitude.
+ CINNAMON TEA IS GORGEOUS. tastes like Christmas cinnamon!! With creamer it is SO LOVELY. do have it more often.
+ ketchup is GROSS on omelets, haha! don't need/ like the s&p either! this meal is BEST when eaten PERFECTLY PLAIN.
DON'T GO "TOXIC COMPLETIONIST" & EMPTY CONDIMENTS ONTO PLATE/ FEEL "OBLIGATED" TO USE ENTIRE PACKET. NO. TRY PART of one first, and if it's disgusting in that context, SET IT ASIDE & LEAVE IT ALONE. Don't BE gross OR DISORDERED!!



post-lunch//

+ paranoia about food order "morality"; thought Jesus told us to eat the turkey & cranapple juice first, but when we asked again the answer pushed the GRAPE, and we were pushed NOT to mix that with turkey, so WE chose to eat the green beans first, & felt like we had just eaten the forbidden fruit. TOTAL PANIC & MORAL TERROR. dissociated HARD & began to rush. Couldn't "tune in" to Jesus because of tormented conscience, so LAURIE talked us down, assuring us that meals were NOT a matter of morality. the goal is NOT to panic & obsess over them like this!! JESUS WANTS US TO BE FREE, free to CHOOSE the good/ proper/ healthy/ loving/ merciful/ gentle option, NOT slavery to rigid, judgmental, fearful, compulsive, unmerciful "obligations." (He said, about our choice, "I make all things work together unto Good")
+ turkey taste like dark meat chicken. thought of Jade as a kid, affectionately. TASTE IS TRIGGERING though; makes us feel "naked." too much fleshiness to it? disturbed & upset. YET remember "axe cop" pure-hearted thanksgiving turkey!! eating meat ALSO gives us moral panic & dread (TBAS "carnivore/ cannibal" obsessions), so PLEASE, remember GOD GAVE YOU THIS LIFE FOR LIFE, IN SACRIFICIAL LOVE-- like OT offerings, it's a reflection & reminder of Christ's ultimate Self-giving to feed US!! But yes, this needs SO MUCH HEALING.
Plus, Thanksgiving memories are STILL blocked-off; I think THAT is motivating the "compulsive dislike"-- it's a PROTECTIVE INSTINCT! So we're "not sure" if we like the stuffing "or not" in truth, either; also the taste data for both WON'T CLICK OR STICK. We'll have to look into it. The ONLY shock was the sudden CRANBERRY trigger from the juice, adjacent TO those-- LEGIT PANIC. So THAT context hit says a LOT!!
+ dinner rolls are still perfect!



miscellaneous notes//

Mom & strawberry Poptart fear: "Try it! You don't know how GOOD it might be until you do." I LEGIT NEVER CONSIDERED THAT PERSPECTIVE. Remember that!! "You SEE what you LOOK for!!"

TWO massive trauma-music flashback hells today. Q AND OV.
HOW DO WE COPE WITH THAT??

+ "too much empathy" curse, from 2007-- "I'm not happy if You're not happy"; loss of self; no boundaries; other's emotions become our reality. and then we CANNOT help them as we've become empty mirrors/ amplifiers. EXACTLY what happened yesterday.
+ judging "judgmental" comments that DIDN'T EXIST; I was assuming! shameful, feel awful. "I won't listen because I don't want TO judge, and they ARE." actually they WEREN'T. my brain just does that itself compulsively. humbling/ humiliating. grateful to see this sin exposed. practice compassion & acceptance of REALITY; no labeling!!
song trigger made me dissociate hard & not taste anything & rush, although it was a fave today. trigger made me think "I don't like this meal." UNTRUE!!! why such a reaction?? so angry at "loss" of enjoyment. felt hollowed out.
relived CNC terror for a solid hour after. CONSTANT HELPLESS DREAD. no control, no help. TBAS cut me off from faith & family, & usurped my free will. made me live FOR them. I wanted to die. SO MANY MEMORIES saturated with existential horror. the nightfall was hell; really sank in. mornings similar--self destructive performance. totally blacked out. cannot even look at that room in memory. horrified at SEEING JUST HOW CATASTROPHIC the eating disorder was then. living hell. BUT!!!! it was ALSO SOLIDLY OUR ONLY COPING/ "SURVIVAL" MECHANISM. Bizarrely, maybe because of that desperate function, IT didn't seem to form trigger foods??? but TBAS DID, even "casually." I think EVERY SINGLE FOOD we shared with them ultimately became a trigger BECAUSE of that constant underlying HORROR/ DREAD/ LOSS/ DESPAIR/ etc. that I denied/ buried. God HELP ME TO TRULY, TOTALLY FORGIVE whatever is perpetuating this bitter regret. I do still love them, but... I'm also still scared to death of all my memories of them.
remember we ALSO have trauma specific to ALTERS OF THEIRS!! That trauma is MUCH sharper & scarier... Hence why that song shook us up SO BADLY. We haven't faced ANY of it yet.

 


prismaticbleed: (soniccity)


pre-breakfast//

QUICK BUT ABSOLUTELY ESSENTIAL morning notes:
+ Emotional ROLLER COASTER w/ shower. MANIC SOCIAL thinking about "what music to pick if asked" (decided on Jackson 5); considering getting a Litwick plush if personally applicable. Internal upset AT mania; "I don't want to be like this" "this isn't me" BUT couldn't "stop." A different manic (Jack?? "David-Tennant-looking-ass"; flirty, invincible, "most popular man in the room" vibe?) took over hard; could NOT feel sad OR even acknowledge pain when an unseen internal Navy foni punched the leg TO try & feel both and/or switch!! This SPIKED mania as a "violent shutoff" for "not real/ legitimate" "negative" emotions? Demonic crazy grin on body, while near mirror. Seeing this face triggered vivid TBAS FLASHBACKS, CROWNED BY HAIRSTYLE: flattened sides & spiked top. Everything was unsafe; dysmorphia raging. Then, UNEXPECTEDLY: noticing wet & emphasized eyelashes = instantly changed ENTIRE overlay to FEMALE!!! New, positive, BALANCER foni appeared to match. RED-VIOLET "QUEEN"? FIRST SOLID ONE. Balancer; not manic or depressive, BUT acknowledging BOTH without being either! "Bittersweet" heart. Color like a wine glass or garnet in the light. Chose/ fit the name ALENA, from "Magdalena"-- female bodies STILL defined as "whores" REGARDLESS of fronter; Alena's hope was to signify HEALING, MERCY, FORGIVENESS, REDEMPTION from that specifically.
Wearing GLASSES changes overlay INSTANTLY. Alena cannot wear them, but (we hope) neither can Jack? The RED color of our glasses helps a TON. Also, MANICS CANNOT WEAR OUR MEDALS. They get angry & obstinate & rebel against "feeling chained down to the Cross." Alena said "that's the whole point." (Laurie EMPHATICALLY agrees.)
+ Momentary "blackout" between exiting bathroom & going to bedroom window; hallmark of "social context" automatic dissociation
+ Sunrise. Simple ROYGBIV muted gradient; no clouds. BUT it's the second day of autumn and it must be cold at last because what did we see but CHIMNEY SMOKE!!! ♥ First REAL sign that the season has switched too!
↑ LAURIE came out, to elaborate that thought; we couldn't find the "right" word-- she asked Shirley & Sirius for help and they BRIEFLY FRONTED to speak with her! Words like "harbinger," "signpost," "indicator" didn't fit. Laurie said "messenger," then laughed & concluded, "chimney angels."
+
↑ Brief mention of Q with "chimney sweep muses" art. "No hatred" but lingering fear towards him for 2012, despite lingering affection as well. "Father FORGIVE them for they KNOW NOT." Same with OV; we pity them? BUT STILL LOVE & MISS them deep down, WITHOUT denying the pain & damage & fear & anger & NEED to forgive. But we DO love them, both of them, which ENABLES forgiveness!!!
(btw GIVE THIS TO INFI; ze holds the CORE TRAUMA from CNC and ze is AFRAID TO EXIST still, even now, because of it. Ze NEEDS to come back & BE with us; without hir heart we CANNOT ACTUALLY HEAL!!!)
Apparently we have DIFFERENT ARCHIVISTS AND DATA "COMMUNICATORS" FOR MANAGEMENT OF EMOTIONAL VS LOGICAL (FACTUAL) DATA!!! Depending on what KIND of information it is, ONLY CERTAIN NOUSFONI CAN PROCESS/ SPEAK/ WRITE IT!!! Warm vs cool "undertones," typically. Shirley & Sirius fit this. ALSO there is a "neutral Gray" Archivist we THOUGHT was "Quicksilver" because they're BOTH a darker gunmetal gray, but Quick was NOT neutral. This guy-- who spoke briefly to both Alana (in the washroom) and our typical "emote-data writer" (me!! ♥)-- is currently vibing with the name "Sterling." (That's close enough to "Stellar," haha!) So we'll see what our future holds with getting to know him & all the other nousfoni who may/do hold those roles, as they obviously DO exist, but we never had the means to SEE or even KNOW they COULD/ DID exist until now, this morning!
THERE IS A DIFFERENCE between an ANCHOR and a ROOT! An "anchor" is something PUT DOWN to hold someone firmly in that specific place; a ROOT is something one GROWS FROM as an initial locked-in place!!
+ Brief return to the sunrise-- the "warm color" gradient DISTURBED us, AS ALWAYS. Reminded us of "westerns." Why that intense, ancient fear for both? "Jess" came out (!!)

sunrise beauty: what we instinctively & viscerally recognize AS beauty, finds its ORIGIN & DEFINITION IN THE FACE OF CHRIST JESUS!!! When I look at Him, I see BEAUTY, literally PERFECTED.
Things ARE ONLY "beautiful" BECAUSE something in them ECHOES Christ's beauty. When I look at Him, I see everything that I label AS beautiful in the sunrise, but CLEARLY, ESSENTIALLY-- not "through a glass darkly."
THAT'S WHY HEAVEN IS THE BEATIFIC VISION; all Creation is just dim reflection of (and yearning for) that true, absolute, complete, real, total bliss.

+ Group recommending "fidget objects" for coping = we've NEVER TRIED them because we label "stimming" as SILLY? like, "why even try it; physical "coping" isn't legitimate." BUT OUR SYMPTOMS ARE!!! SO why NOT meet them on that same level? HONESTLY DO TRY THEM, TO STOP JUDGING/ ALIENATING OTHERS at least!!


post-breakfast//

Cornflakes, blueberry muffin, banana, egg, apple juice, soymilk, french vanilla tea, 2 creamer, 1 s&p.

MUFFIN)
Thoughts of mom! ♥ No fear after that. Alana caught the unique blue/red vibe of the berries and TRIED to front to taste it, but she can't come out while eating (OR with glasses on)-- that would distort her function! But she appreciated the idea. Note: don't put fingers in mouth to "get crumbs."

CORNFLAKES)
HEALED!!! BY CO-FRONTING. "Red & blue" socials-- soygirl & a magenta (?) who KNEW the job! ALSO DAD!!! Talking to him HELPED SO MUCH. "Soymilk is too sweet for me, but it's good for you-- you're just as sweet yourself!" "Sugar isn't bad; it's a great source of energy, and it'll give you all the extra push you need to do all your running today." Soy said the very thought of work made HER exhausted emotionally. "I want to work but I get so overwhelmed & I burn out." Magenta sister replied "Then I'll do that work for you! You don't have to push yourself to do anything that's going to hurt you. I'll do the burny work; you can do the quieter thoughtful important things, like the sweeping & stocking shelves. We still need & want your help! Just do what's meant for YOU, and I'll do what's not!" Dad added: "I'll talk to your boss and let her know to let you rest like that if you get overwhelmed. They don't want you burning yourself out either; I know I sure don't! I don't want to see you looking so sad & tired all the time! I care about you, Jessie, and so do the people you work with. They'd all be happy to help you, so don't be afraid to ask. (There's nothing wrong with asking for help!)" Lots of hugs and "I love you"s. Soymilk now POSITIVE but not the cornflakes? Mentioned. Dad: "You know the Native Americans grew corn as a staple crop. They used it for everything; it kept them alive when winter came. You're the same way. You're sweet & give people energy like the soymilk, but you're also soft & strong like the cornflakes. You can help keep people alive, too, by giving of yourself. People need what you have to give them, Jessie, and God made you just the way you are for that reason. Just like your breakfast." She was SO DEEPLY COMFORTED. Her color reflected the pure serene blue of a calm sky.
HOWEVER. Two more things! First, the "vibe" of the cereal as a whole is NOT BLUE-- its true inherent tone DOESN'T VIBE WITH HER, OR HER SISTER! It's gold, a RARE Yellow-group POSITIVE food combo (Soymilk ITSELF is neutral-ish? COLD leans blue; vanilla leans yellow?) that no one concretely matches (yet). SO. We told her, she doesn't HAVE to anchor to it! Its association has CHANGED now, via healing, AS HAS HERS-- her old memory anchor is now ONLY a memory; the "reality" has CHANGED and so remembering what WAS now INCLUDES a golden ray of FUTURE HOPE that actively renews the healing and PREVENTS getting stuck in old, now-nonexistent contexts! Yes, at that time in history, we WERE miserable. BUT NOW we have infused that time AS PERSONAL PAST with HOPE & TRUTH, and so even if literal history CANNOT be changed, SPIRITUAL "NOW" CAN CHANGE HOW THAT HISTORY UNFOLDS. Therefore, NOTHING in our past is a "death sentence." There is ALWAYS FORGIVENESS, ALWAYS a chance for MERCY & REDEMPTION. The Cross, too, occurred at only one historical point, but spiritually it is FOREVER-- and AS SANCTIFICATION & GRACE!!! Death was defeated in time ONCE, and so now FOREVER it is POWERLESS! So too with our past trauma. The Crucifixion DID happen, bloody & horrific. That's FACT, and cannot be changed. BUT, outside of linear time, that SAME event unfolds in LOVE & HOPE unto ETERNITY-- an event ALL SOULS can & DO participate in RIGHT NOW!! So that mercy & forgiveness can & do TANGIBLY, PERSONALLY, ACTIVELY redeem ALL people. Likewise, in our linear Now, we can send our healing love & mercy & forgiveness-- FROM CHRIST-- to ALL our past times & selves as PART of our NOW, & heal them FOREVER.

BANANA)
Fear food= trauma suggestion, tied to elephants & monkeys, associated w/ Jade. Put all that aside & focused on the GOD-CREATED WONDER of its pure existence: the texture, the way it shimmers in light, the seeds! Fruit's existence in general is fascinating. God is SO Good. That helped us refocus. We also DIDN'T cut it off, remove the peel entirely, OR bite/eat the peel!

EGG)
Again, SO much nicer plain. The s&p are COMPULSIVE; try NOT using them. "But salt is holy!" NOT IF IT'S BEING ABUSED VIA COMPULSION!! If you feel "obligated" to eat it-- EAT, not "season"-- then DON'T. That's "opposite action" coping! It helps you REGAIN PROPER CONTROL over your compromised willpower. Right now, we're a slave to seasoning. We "can't" say no to it! And that's NOT A MORAL DECISION-- IT'S AN ADDICTION. Conscience doesn't go into moral panic if it doesn't put salt on a meal just because Jesus told a parable about it. Guess what? THAT'S IDOLATRY!! You're so focused on the literal SALT, you MISSED THE ENTIRE POINT. So yeah, honestly, "fasting" from salt right now WOULD be the "morally proper" decision! Regain the freedom to CHOOSE that God created you with!! Honor Him with it!
+ The new girl on the unit is a KID, and her being so upset triggered out NIER. He was deeply upset by her thinness; he wanted to feed her the eggs his chickens laid to make her healthy & strong. Ate it for her. REALLY locked in sense data?? Just from having a CONCRETE PERSON eat, not just an "observer" of memory! REMEMBER THAT! Nousfoni do help immensely, but the ULTIMATE goal is to be able to CONSCIOUSLY eat as ONE CORE SELF, whoever the true "me" is, without switching for every food-- BUT that means we NEED A SOLID CORE SENSE OF "SELF," FIRST!!! Hence all the historical self-memory healing we're focusing on. Who "I" was as a child is REAL. There's a true heart in there somewhere. God help us find it.

FRENCH VANILLA TEA)
Surprisingly warm & mellow, like the blue tootsie rolls! Too yellow in tone to match our core, BUT!!! Instead of b&w "like or dislike" compulsive automatic judgments, we REALIZED: yeah it's not OUR vibe, BUT IT IS SOMEONE ELSE'S-- someone HUMAN!!!! Other people like different things from us, which we personally "can't grasp" FROM AN ISOLATED PERSPECTIVE. BUT once we EXPERIENCE this different data, WE CAN EMPATHIZE, UNDERSTAND, & HAVE COMMUNION WITH THEIR UNIQUENESS: "if they vibe with THIS, then their SOUL has a vibe like this" = WE CAN KNOW THEIR SOUL BETTER, & SHARE IN THEIR EXPERIENCES.




post-lunch//

Pizza, Greek salad, ranch dressing, orange juice, 1 parmesan, 2 salt 3 pepper, 2 tea 2 creamer

Realized our perspective is: "You CAN FAIL AT EATING." We set "arbitrary" rules and if we mess up even a little, we feel UTTERLY DEVASTATED & COMPELLED TO "START OVER" & "DO IT RIGHT"... "OR ELSE." That FEAR of real but unspecified PUNISHMENT is SO POWERFUL and RE-TRIGGERS THE BULIMIC "EMERGENCY EXIT" RESPONSE. It ALSO explains why we RESTRICT: EVERY meal is another RISK, a chance to FAIL and SUFFER FOR IT-- AS A BAD PERSON. Our "failure" to do right means WE must BE "wrong"!! "Bad people do bad things!" So "failure" is DAMNING & UNACCEPTABLE.
+ We thought, "you can't drink OJ with pizza. At home, the family ONLY drank GRAPE juice with pizza." SO, "if I don't drink grape juice with it, I HAVE FAILED TO DO THE RIGHT THING." therefore I feel COMPELLED to THROW IT UP and START OVER RIGHT!!
We turn every meal into a MORALITY PERFORMANCE with impossible choreography. So we either AVOID the risk, OR we try to purge every failure-- which ALWAYS happened with that mindset!! It's TERRIFYING. If we "choose wrong" we are DAMNED. We've DISOBEYED, so we SINNED, by REBELLING AGAINST GOD'S DIRECTION and being willfully obstinate.
PURGING "RESTORED" OUR PURITY, BOTH MORALLY & PHYSICALLY. It was our confessional & our absolution. Only emptiness was safe/ Good, in the end. ALL eating became too morally ambiguous/ threatening, as we COULD and DID ALWAYS FIND SOMETHING TO CONDEMN, therefore MANDATING the penitential purge-- or else, WE WOULD LITERALLY "GO TO HELL"-- at least physiologically. And it WAS hell, every single day.
Related to breakfast data: "LIKE/ DISLIKE" feels morally wrong, YET eating something that we intuitively "don't "enjoy"" feels DISTURBING to our SENSE OF SELF. We feel like, if we "don't like pizza," BUT still eat it, then "WHO ARE WE, REALLY??" We "can't resonate with two opposing responses!!" But see? We DON'T SEE IT AS "INNOCENT" PREFERENCE/ OPINION, EITHER. Dislike = REJECTION of others WHOSE SOULS DO RESONATE WITH IT. But TO eat that thing that DOESN'T harmonize with our core is a TRAUMATIC "OVERRIDE" OF SELFHOOD: an external "virus" trying to REWRITE who we ARE at heart. It's INTENSELY PERSONAL. THAT'S WHY THERE'S SO MUCH TRAUMA TIED TO "PEOPLE-PLEASING/ IMITATIVE EATING" = we LOSE OURSELF in PHYSIOLOGICALLY "IDENTIFYING WITH/ AS" THE OTHER by eating THEIR favorite foods obsessively. And why? Because, IF we love them OR WANT to love them, WE CANNOT "REJECT" THEM (OR SAY "NO" TO THEM; also rejection)!!! ALL "OPPOSITION" TO THEIR SELFHOOD IS UNACCEPTABLE. Our "only option" is to LIKE/ IDENTIFY WITH EVERYTHING THEY DO.
THAT is why, right now in recovery, we NEED "food socials" of a hyperspecialized sort-- nousfoni whose vibes are ROOTED in the vibes of ANY & IDEALLY ALL FOODS that are dissonant with the "core" self! THAT way, we can both HAVE a self, AND "match/ meet" the self of others! NO refusal, NO boundaries, NO dissonance, NO conflict.
↑ All that hit HARD for lunch. The salad had feta cheese (Jade), olives & banana peppers (OV), tomatoes (grandma), and ranch dressing (unknown but possibly also OV). And we, idiotically, added parmesan (Lou/ grandpa). So we were a MESS mentally. We dissociated HARD because the sheer NOISE of data sources was so overwhelming. Plus we think we had a pollen allergy response to the lettuce (again)?? Muscle tics, breathing restricted, itchy, stuffy nose. So we're scared & sick on top of all that. But, splinters of the Cross. Carry it humbly.
Pizza is NOT our vibe AT ALL but so many people DO love it; it's SUCH a huge barrier between us & our community. It seems like EVERYONE likes pizza, so if WE don't, we are EXCLUDED from "everyone." WE ARE SO HEARTBROKEN/ UPSET/ TERRIFIED over that. But we still cannot seem to MAKE ourselves like it? We WANT to, ESPECIALLY since it was GRANDMA'S LAST MEAL!!!!! if we don't SHARE in that... we would rather die. So we MUST like pizza, AS OURSELF. Yes I'm sure we can "birth" a nousfoni for it (there are ALREADY "old Italian matron" seeds) BUT THAT WOULD DEFEAT THE WHOLE PIZZA = COMMUNITY MEAL point. Church outings, childhood parties, dinner at Mom's, post-church Lawrence Welk memories-- ALL of it involves PEOPLE TOGETHER and WE need to be "ME" in order TO participate!!!
Unfortunately there IS pizza trauma. Tomato sauce between bread & cheese looks like blood oozing from a garish place. And it is MESSY, with that gore getting on one's fingers. It's EXPLICIT trauma similarity. Plus MC & OV always ate it, AND it's a binge-suffocation terror trigger. But THOSE EXPERIENCES DO NOT CHANGE THE TRUTH OF REALITY, which is that those negative associations AREN'T DEFINITIVE OR PERMANENT! Beneath & beyond that, there is a pure & simple EXISTENCE, from which CHRIST bestows ALL food as HIS GIFT, forever untouched by human fears.
INSTEAD of "switching out with" food-vibe nousfoni in order TO eat those foods, EAT WITH THEM IN COMMUNION!!! That is the IDEAL option for EVERYONE-- it preserves core individuality, enables direct empathy, practices social eating contexts, etc. Share their heart WITH them, and share YOURS-- so you can do that PHYSICALLY with your fellow man! DO ALL OF IT WITH COMPASSION.



post-dinner//

Breaded pork chops with gravy; mashed potatoes; butter; shortbread cookies; whole milk; 3 salt & 3 pepper; 2 tea 2 creamer

PORK)
Surprisingly lovely. Soft, nice texture, and purely positive flavor! We expected trauma, but found NONE. Thanks be to God! (Mom later told me SHE had pork chops for dinner, too, which warmed my heart SO MUCH. ♥ That's COMMUNION even now, and future hope!)

POTATOES)
According to direction, we put the butter ON the potatoes-- which was actually a SMART & PROPER action that we would never have chosen on our own (which is WHY obedience & trust are KEY), because the butterfat SLOWS THE GLUCOSE SPIKE potatoes always seem to give!! THAT'S why people put butter & sour cream & bacon on them!! See? Our compulsive hyper-individualizing of ingredients is PRACTICALLY UNHEALTHY. Still, SO is hyper-mixing! There is a WISE & prudent middle ground, the "straight & narrow path." Seek that even ground and walk with Him. ALSO! Even if it turns unexpectedly, it is STILL CLEAR; there are no tumultuous shifts or swerves. The end goal is CERTAIN-- God Himself as our King and Love-- and with Christ ALWAYS walking with us as both Leader & Companion, we CANNOT get lost or confused or misdirected. No matter WHAT we may face in life, IF we just TRUST Him and OBEY His guidance, our feet shall not slip; we shall remain on that sure & sacred road.

LORNADOONE SHORTBREAD)
We were literally JUST thinking about Saint Nicholas (Santa Claus) being a PERFECT example of "fat ≠ bad; even SAINTS CAN BE FAT", and then we get milk & cookies! Gosh it's actually so heartwarming. It makes me look forward to Christmas with even MORE joy!! ♥ They were SHOCKINGLY delicious, both in taste & texture! It was unexpectedly so, so nice. There's also NO immediate association, so it was a pure experience. A NOTE, though-- DON'T take a sip of the milk WITH the cookie in your mouth! It feels messy & undignified, AND it increases choking risk, PLUS it muddles the data way too much. We should really focus on mindfully, prayerfully, gratefully paying honest attention to ONE thing at a time while we learn & heal.



post-snack//

Harvest cheddar Sun Chips.
Thinking about ORANGE: EMBER DAYS, SUNSETS, etc. LIST!!
harvest = bounty of God's fruits, memento mori-- "oil in lamps," thanksgiving TRULY. prepare to preserve life through winter; God feeds His obedient children.
cheese = MILK, at heart! AGED, "to feed her children still when she, too, is old"; feeds children in winter when there is no literal "birth"? CRONE sacredness, as it were. perpetuated motherhood nurturing. cheese an ANCIENT common food anyway. DON'T DENY-- WE DO LIKE IT TOO!!
"dirty" cancelled BY JESUS!! "eat WITH sinners"; vs ALOOF PHARISEE "CLEAN." Jesus would absolutely get chip dust on His fingers right with the poor!

+ HAD to mostly open bag to prevent filthy hands from reaching in. not ready yet. DID challenge obsessive "order"/ crumbing. "LEAVE THE GLEANINGS" & treasure EACH bite; no "HAVE to" eat certain pieces. MORE FREEDOM OF CHOICE RESTORED! also, NO biting INTO chips; that's mincing. Eat normal; don't be too proud to laugh at yourself if you drop a piece, WITHOUT going into "animal" mode!! BE MEEK WITH HONOR!

 

prismaticbleed: https://www.deviantart.com/teacosies/art/celebi-420071633 (tears)


post-breakfast//

+ hard morning; lingering filthy feeling & depression/ despair? after last night. STILL sick. exhausted in every sense.
+ hot shower. thank You God. talking about loss of consolation (worldly) in little things; no more mouthwash = no mint "cleanness" = feel even filthier. Knowing God only removed it so I can seek UNWAVERING consolation IN HIM regardless of any circumstance: a greater & better end goal. but the process, if resisted (even unconsciously, through fear & weakness & sorrow), is disturbing: you grasp at an old, "effective" coping mechanism but it's gone. So now, DESPITE the lingering terror & distress, your ONLY viable option is to surrender & turn ENTIRELY to God. and I'll be honest with Him, I can be a petulant child about it and I am grieved over that reality. my mouth tastes like a breakfast muffin because Jesus said to eat IT last, not the eggs, and I don't understand WHY, especially since the muffin/ bread aftertaste is "DIRTY" and low-key a trauma trigger (apple cinnamon). so it's fueling the misery, adding weight to this cross. oh God, please, help me carry it, with You; alone I will be crushed quickly and die. help me.
+ no "formal" morning prayer; couldn't focus on recitation due to distress & grief. INSTEAD, strongly moved to read Saint Bridget; dual account (herself & Mary) of the Passion of Jesus Christ. Wept my eyes out. It BROKE MY ENTIRE HEART. Oh my sweet Jesus, what horrors You willingly & meekly suffered for my sins!! Oh my dearest Mother, what inconsolable anguish you bore so faithfully with Him!! I can feel it resonating painfully deep in my heart even now, an immeasurable grief endured and even embraced only through charity. Strangely, blessedly, it also gives me comfort, against all sense-- knowing Christ bears my minuscule crosses with me, and all of mine are but splinters of His. Communion.
A prayer card about that fell out of the book when I picked it up, like a calling card. "Splinters of the Cross." I cried. THERE, at last, is my consolation. Each little offering of every little pain is a blessed grace, a PARTICIPATION in that Work of Salvation, UNITED TO ITS PURPOSE AND POWER IN REALTIME. The Cross-- the crowning Work of Christ-- is eternally Real. Your negative thoughts AREN'T. There IS hope & healing, even IN AND THROUGH THE SUFFERING OF SIN.


post-breakfast meal data//

Fresh fruit cup (melons & pineapple), scrambled eggs, apple cinnamon muffin, soymilk, cinnamon tea, 2 creamer, 2 s&p, ketchup

FRUIT)
Real cut fruit! That's not scary. We LIKE honeydew actually ("moon melons"), and cantaloupe is neutral because of dear grandma. ♥ There is an underneath "fear" possibly from spoilage memories, but no "fear." Just not our central vibe. HOWEVER, the pineapple is STILL so strongly evocative of that ONE morning in SLC when we binged on pineapple with Q and I don't even know why; but we were SO SCARED & DISSOCIATED. In any case, SLC IS STILL SCARY and SO IS Q. Apparently those wounds AREN'T healed as we assumed.

EGGS)
With ketchup, salt & pepper, they DO remind us of grandpa, BUT ONLY SECONDHAND-- the primary association is "old local veterans" in general; the INSTANT memories are the LOCAL FIREHOUSE BREAKFAST and a smidge of the Thornhurst one, vague but known. The feeling is VERY COZY & SAFE; it's a solid "childhood security" vibe which is RARE. We feel QUITE young, like 7 or so. ALSO. EGGS ARE SO MUCH BETTER PLAIN. Keep them that way! The salt is getting nauseating; ONLY use one packet whenever possible. Same with pepper. Lastly, the TEXTURE is LOVELY. It's like custard! How do they do it! But it has NO data ties either way which is such a relief for our poor anxious brain; we can enjoy it purely & simply. Honestly, thank You God. The little things really are the nicest.

MUFFIN)
Neutral texture, triggering concept, SCARY flavor. Apparently, to our brain, that warm-brown "apple cinnamon" FUSION taste-- inherently so; it's NOT "apple + cinnamon", but its OWN unique thing-- elicits DREAD & shaking anxiety. (The Nutrigrain does it too! We've been wondering!) We cannot find the roots yet, nor can we identify the "apple" flavor (it doesn't match anything apparent in our apple-presentation data roll), BUT we wondered why the flavor = dread, and suddenly realized: APPLE-CINNAMON IS A SEASONAL FLAVOR, TIED TO TIME. When it historically would occur, it would do so ALONG WITH OTHER SEASONAL THINGS THAT WERE TERRIFYING, so over tie, the "appearance" of apple-cinnamon flavor became a WARNING SIREN, TO PREPARE FOR IMPENDING DANGERS THAT ONLY OCCURRED DURING THE SAME SEASONAL TIME PERIOD!!! This concept is ALSO why peppermint is SO safe: when IT appears, apple-cinnamon DISAPPEARS, and therefore the time of threat is OVER. They are like checkpoints or fences? Chronological markers. But apple-cinnamon therefore WARNS of UNAVOIDABLE, ATTACHED DANGER: of county fairs, hay rides, harvest festivals, corn mazes, haunted houses, jumpscares, scary movies, and Halloween. TONS of frightening things to us as a child occurred in the fall; plus THANKSGIVING & pilgrims & that loathsome orange/ yellow/ brown/ vermillion (NOT RED!!) color scheme everywhere that hurts our brain and has scared us SINCE CHILDHOOD, always inexplicably. We WANT to heal it but it's SO ANCIENT, with hidden roots. Nevertheless, we'll keep working on it as autumn (which starts today!! ♥) settles in around us in realtime, and our psyche reacts to the process & presentation. A NOTE: we actually love the "darker" autumn aesthetic that incorporates EVERGREEN & MISTY GRAY & BURGUNDY along with the neutral browns, glowing golds, & rich vermilions. It feels more like the woods, & season kissing season with the blessed promise of winter in the colder crisper silver air. But just straight-up orange/ yellow/ brown feels like hell & floods us with genuine DREAD.
Something we realized, with these "time-locked" triggers: SUMMER APPLES ARE SAFE. AUTUMN ONES ARE NOT??? The latter are too closely tied to FARMS and some unidentified terror from picking/ eating apples in the backyard? But yes; this ALSO relates to APPLE PREP/ FLAVORS-- summer apples are fresh, bright, clear, juicy, etc.-- autumn apples are warmed/ cooked and more mellow? And summer apples typically have NO spice. Summer leans GREEN, autumn leans BROWN.



post-lunch//

Ziti with sauce & parmesan, breaded chicken w/ provolone? apple & grape juice, 2 tea 2 creamer, 1 salt 2 pepper

ZITI)
it had the SOFTEST texture AND EVEN TASTED SAFE!!
VFW dinners. Surprisingly, TOTALLY SAFE! Ziti shape is oddly "harmless" & comforting? Possibly from church/ school associations from of old. That actually gives us GREAT HOPE: like the hose-company eggs, this foods reminds us of home & neighbors, that sense of small town community & fondness that our heart honestly craves and wants SO BADLY to be PART of again. Well, tasting AND eating that blessedly "common food" NOW feels like a glowing promise that we CAN be part of that communion now, when we go home to our hometown.

JUICE)
Grape is foamy & surprisingly tart! It's in a weird place, both scary AND positive-- its "good" memories are vague & conceptual (Christmas "wine" as a kid, mainly), but legit? Yet it WAS a binge/ abuse food, too. Still, GRAPES = JESUS so there's GUARANTEED healing whenever we remember that!
Apple didn't register; we CAN'T LOOK AT IT or that INCREASES trauma terror, MORESO THAN THE TASTE!!! There is a LOT of memory-fear there. Pray to Jesus for help with that. Trust Him & remember, TRAUMA & ABUSE ARE ULTIMATELY INCAPABLE OF REAL CORRUPTION. The God-created core is pure.

SAUCE)

The "dried tomato" flavor is DIFFERENT enough from memory to muffle/ allay most trauma responses, BUT it's still a little anxiety-inducing; not as much as it used to be, though? I hope! Pray for that, please. Mom & Lou (and grandpa) really enjoy their tomatoes and honestly it breaks my heart that I've been to terrified to JOIN them in that yet. THAT'S what I hate the MOST about this eating disorder-- it puts WALLS up between me and ALL other people... AND between me & total devotion to GOD, which INCLUDES love of neighbor! So eat the tomatoes and GIVE THANKS for communion!!

CHICKEN)
The best one so far, shockingly, ESPECIALLY since SAUCE IS SAFE WITH CHICKEN PARM, NOT PASTA?? That's fascinating. No particular memory but associated solid longterm & fondly with our dear mom. The breading was so nice. We had a few odd bites BUT avoided actually eating it separately or mincing the chicken. Unfortunately we did mostly eat the sauce off, and "stacked" the cheese bits. Don't do stuff like that, it's silly! And of course, it's apparently disordered. Please, learn to lovingly eat things as a PROPER UNITED WHOLE, just as God presents them to you!!

CHEESE)
Parmesan is, thankfully, still safe to taste, due solely to heavy childhood meal resonance. USING it is scary as we fear a return migraine, but none have happened yet-- it might only occur with actual hard cheese. The slice on the chicken seemed to be provolone, which unfortunately IS still trauma-touched, from TBAS. That trauma is HARD to heal as the roots are so strong, and the fear equally so. TBAS trauma foods feel like eating poison. But, we put that thought bravely aside & reminded ourself, THEIR actions DO NOT define reality! They AREN'T the authority over our life! Lastly... grandpa liked chicken parm. HE liked provolone cheese, so we held to love of him instead and that got us TRULY through, safely.



post-dinner//

grilled cheese! / rosemary potatoes /  whole milk / 2 ketchup / 2 salt / 3 pepper / 2 creamers 2 teas

MILK)
(we don't know who the heck keeps writing these but they are explicitly disturbing. hidden for safety.) )

POTATOES)
Home fries style! Those AREN'T SCARY; both their texture & taste are positively comforting, and with the ketchup we get SOLID MEMORY of the THORNHURST HOSE COMPANY! So the POTATOES have that one, moreso than the eggs! That's cool. But yes, we enjoyed them thoroughly. HOWEVER. Potatoes = OUR LADY OF LA SALETTE, who earnestly implored us to honor the Sabbath, although "taking a day of rest for God" seemed like "a small thing," not matching its momentous true significance. BUT it's the sign of the Covenant, a MANDATE from GOD HIMSELF if "nothing else"; a total conscious visible active sign & sacrament that SEPARATES us from the industry-idolatry of the world and making work a "god," turning us regularly & ever more strongly to the ONE TRUE GOD by prayer & worship & peace. He mandated it FOR US, for our spiritual health, bodily refreshment, and TOTAL JOY! So no, it is NOT small; it is VERY BIG! And it "costs" nothing but CHARITY. So honor it ever more sincerely & totally! Leave the world behind and focus on HEAVEN, our origin and goal and TRUE HOMELAND. If I don't... well. Hence the reminder of the potatoes. I MUST, for God.
LASTLY. When God gives you food direction, OBEY HIM, even if it seems "inconsequential" or odd-- that's the purpose of FAITH!! We didn't leave enough ketchup for the grilled cheese (we kept dipping potatoes in it) & took the garbage to shamefully get more. We're truly sorry. Disobedience only hurts!
DON'T TAKE ANY ITEMS OUT OF THE GARBAGE PILE TO "GET MORE OUT," like ketchup & creamer. That is SUPER gross and makes us feel like an animal. Respect yourself! Be dignified!

GRILLED CHEESE)
WONDERFUL AS ALWAYS. We can't deny, we do enjoy them so much, even with the odd orange cheese. No complaints! It was truly lovely. It would have been lovelier with ketchup, judging from the one bite we got, but we messed up today ↑ so we lost out. Yet it STILL worked out, by God's grace-- we were humbled & taught a very important correction of behavior, we were given a preview of what we can have next time when we DO obey, and we were given the key initial opportunity to just purely & simply enjoy & experience the sandwich as-is. Grilled cheese will always remind us of grandma. We cut ours into triangles, too, just for her. ♥ ...I've actually been dreaming about her every night since I'm here, and caring for her, loving her, remembering her. I know she's watching over me & praying for me & loving me, too. ♥ I'll continue to do my very best, for her, and for her daughter, my dear mother. All together, with God guiding us in His love, we'll get through this!!



A VITAL REALIZATION: WE STILL GET CLOCK-BASED TRAUMA!!!
When the sun goes down around 7PM-8PM, but people are awake & watching TV & talking & "preparing to DO things" instead of sleeping, WE FEEL TOTAL DREAD. THAT WAS THE DANGER-TIME CONTEXT IN CNC, EVERY SINGLE NIGHT!!! So YES we are going to get anxiety attacks & feelings of impending doom & despair & terror at night! It's a learned response to a VERY emphasized & consistent trigger! YES we are shaking & nauseous & scared & want to cry like a lost child BECAUSE NOW WE CAN EXPRESS THAT FEAR WE BURIED AND DENIED AS THE FORMATIVE TRAUMA EVENTS WERE OCCURRING. Honestly though, the fact that we CAN and ARE sharing a FEAR response is a DOOR TO HEALING, because it is NOT IN DENIAL!! It clearly indicates that there IS trauma, and we DIDN'T WANT IT TO HAPPEN. It reveals that there IS a wound, and points to it. So be aware of the chronic, unavoidable trigger, and prudently prepare to face it, with the grace & peace of Christ!!
A GREAT way to override that negative association is to instead consciously focus on a super positive one that ALSO has deep, repeated roots-- staying up late & "waiting" awake on HOLY SATURDAY & CHRISTMAS EVE! ♥ So anchor your heart in THOSE, and let God soothe your anxieties.



post-snack//

Cheddar Sun Chips / Bengal spice tea with 2 creamer

Remaining troubles to fix:
Ripping open the bag!!
+ Oversqueezing the tea bag
+ Licking our fingers
+ Shoving whole chip in mouth?
+ Obsessive crumb eating
+ ↑ using a SPOON to do so
+ "must ONLY eat crumbs first"

★ Cheese itself feels dirty; negative "spoiled milk" vibe?? Milk = dirty misbelief in any case; healing that straight, but cheese hasn't been affected OR directly tackled (yet!).
We feel like a RAT eating it-- not a little mouse, but a fat sewer rat!!
It's VERY difficult to "stay human" in our mental image as we eat it, because of that intense dirty feeling. The ONLY nousfoni who gets PULLED out is that long-haired messy teen, unwashed & manic, who eats with her fingers & GOBBLES things. SHE'S A BINGER!!! Which PROVES the "I'm out of control = I'm not worthy of humanity = I'm a filthy animal" thought train there, sadly. That poor girl with unwashed hair & pockmarked face (and SCHOOL CLOTHES??) is a vital snapshot of some VERY old & unfortunately powerful toxic core beliefs.

Perhaps try the cheddar chips once more? Not tomorrow; give it a mental break to refresh & try again clearly. But SOON. In the meantime, focus on:
(1) healing CHEESE
(2) investigating the "DIRTY" terror?
(3) DON'T RIP BAGS!!!
(4) FIND someone who CAN eat cheese?

THE "FILTHY" FEELING IS ONLY TIED TO ORANGE CHEESE???
White/yellow cheese can be humiliating, & their aftertaste triggers the "baby spit-up" fear, BUT THEY DON'T FEEL "DIRTY!" That's fascinating.
do OTHER orange foods do this? does COLOR affect our reactions TO "dirt" labelling of foods?? as opposed to just "WE'RE dirty for dropping/ spilling" in general?



prismaticbleed: (drained)

post-breakfast//


We're obsessing over our past pains & trauma, our fears & anxieties, our internal complexities, and our external stimuli data FAR TOO MUCH. It's taking precious time, energy, attention, & effort away from GOD-- from knowing, loving, and serving Him-- and that WILL KILL US, if we let it continue. So. Let's simplify & purify. Let's center our mind & heart on Jesus Christ, as both our strength for the journey AND the Summit of our entire life, our TRUE and ultimate goal IN ALL THINGS. Stop hunting for trauma-drama & "the lust of the mouth" in every meal. STOP. Healing CANNOT be found in memory, taste, or thought. Our recovery, in EVERY aspect, CAN ONLY OCCUR THROUGH COMMUNION WITH CHRIST.
So reorient your life. Stop babbling so much on paper and PRAY instead. Whatever happened to mealtime Bible study? Get your priorities back in proper order!

General breakfast data:
+ Oatmeal, plain: neutral, earthy, humble, simple, warm. Virtuous qualities we too must embody. Resist all temptations to add indulgent sugars, especially creamer & soymilk-- that is DIS-ORDERED USE. It is MEANT to be meek & plain. Treasure that. Think of Christ's simple robes, and Franciscan habits.
Trying to "find" attached memories/ wounds recalls only addictive episodes of food abuse. There is NO NEED to relive them. Healing occurs through GRATITUDE & TEMPERANCE & TURNING THE HEART TO GOD. Healing happens NOW, and is inundated with COMPASSION & MERCIFUL FORGIVENESS. It is best & most prudent to visit these memories AFTER a meal? NOT to relive but to REWRITE. We MUST do that, but we should try to safely minimize that potential trauma exposure DURING a meal? Like, yes, if a memory comes up, acknowledge & respect it, BUT at that moment in realtime, ONLY SEND TENDER COMPASSION & CHRIST-CENTERED FOCUS. Fill that chronosphere with active HOPE, FAITH, & LOVE; then let it soak and go back to the present, to CONSCIOUSLY & GRATEFULLY EAT so dissociation doesn't trigger more "void panic." And PRAY ALWAYS, joyfully, with all thanksgiving. ALWAYS, especially after the meal, before you walk into those memories more deeply. Christ must work through us, for His glory!
Strawberry Greek yogurt. No memory/ trauma/ vibes at all? Surprisingly a purely simple experience. That was so refreshing; it gave us a moment of rest. The sole association was to grandma, only in a fond recollection, as we associate her with strawberries. I'm actually not sure why! Possibly the Ensure, and did she like strawberry shortcake? We should ask mom. But yes, other than that, the yogurt was just yogurt! It was a bit shocking, really-- we're so used to internal experiences taking precedent over, and co-occuring with, the external. Is this is what eating is like for normal people? Just pure, simple experience? Oddly, it gives us hope for healing: for meals as SHARED experience in community. You can't eat WITH others if you're buried inside YOURSELF. Be humbled!
+ Vanilla soymilk-- mixed with vanilla chai tea! HELLO BORDERS TYPING MEMORIES. It tasted JUST like the legit chai we used too drink. (TRY THE GREEN NEXT TIME!!) Sadly there is SO much anxious-depressed ambience there, turbulent beneath her borderline-manic creative overflow. BUT, once again, we felt at the heart of it all, a LACK OF RELIGIOUS FAITH/ HOPE/ LOVE, which is ALWAYS the ultimate cause of ALL our past depression, despair, anxiety, etc. And she FELT that emptiness beneath everything, despite her love of the League and the lovely fall weather and the cozy chai and the sweet silent time in solitude. When she listened to music & read manga & watched anime & wrote stories & played games, drowning in human creativity, her soul was STILL unsatisfied, unsettled-- restless without its true place of rest in God. So, as with ALL such chronospheres so far, the ONLY way to heal her heart is to BRING CHRIST TO HER. So... He came to her. He sat with her, and reassured her of a future with hope, the one in which WE live now-- of an end to the trauma, of a greater purpose to her life, of true joy and not vain entertainment, of love everlasting and true from the very Heart of Jesus, despite her scars. And she opened her heart to that, nervous with doubt born of trauma but now so, so ready to hope. She let His promises begin to soak in, and the taste of the chai became truly sweet at last. No, we can't literally change the historical past, but we CAN change our PERSONAL past, and that's VITAL.
+ We did add creamer, too, which completed the flavor memory. Plain soymilk still aches-- we took a few sips-- but now we discovered WHY: the ache is tied to DAD. He's upset, closed-off to her, and THAT is giving her the heartache. She desperately wants COMMUNION; she needs that family bond and it is so damaged. I wonder now if HE liked cornflakes, and if THAT'S why she's eating them, with the sweet vanilla that reflects the hope & core of her own heart, a heart now terrifyingly beginning to turn tasteless, even bitter. But right now, it's cornflakes and soymilk, together, in harmony. Dad & daughter. Even writing that I want to cry. God, I miss dad. So does she. She wants to sit & eat with him SO badly-- to watch the news & "shoot the bull" & laugh & begin the day of work together. THAT is what she needs to heal; I can feel the charity in her heart, the strong sprout of childhood faith lingering still, having been insulated by the Spinnys during high school, and it WILL bloom through the blessing of a family restored, her domestic church. Family and faith are POWERFULLY interconnected. Without faith, the family collapses; without family, faith is crippled. We STILL need this healing. THAT'S the most important point here: our CURRENT healing, AND our past healing, BOTH require PRESENT HEALING OF OUR FAMILY LIFE, especially in the places where we have experienced long-term lack or pain. Even as broken as it is now, GOD CAN HEAL IT, in the way HE deems best. TRUST HIM. Prayerfully give your beloved family to His Heart and TRUST that He WILL bring Life to all that has been hurt by death, by sin. Pray for Saint Monica's intercession too! There is ALWAYS HOPE, and God willing we will ALL be together in Heaven. Please, no matter WHAT happens, HOPE IN THAT. Hope in God's Mercy. Hope in Christ's Blood to save and heal us all. Rest in that. God loves all of us. He will seek and find the lost and bring them home to Him. BUT WE MUST COOPERATE WITH THAT LOVE, NOW. You, too, reach out and love!! Healing cannot happen in a vacuum! "Christ has no hands but yours!" So LOVE your family. COMMUNICATE with them. VISIT them. SERVE them. LOVE them. BE THERE for them, to meet their every need, as Christ meets yours! THAT is what it means to BE a Christian!!
+ RAISINS. They were instinctually labeled as a "fear food," but ONLY (again) because we ALWAYS used to abuse the poor things... "ab-use" like "dis-order." It's Improper dealings with God's creatures; distorting Life. They were always a binge/ addiction food, impossible to purge, and devastating our blood sugar. But the fault was ALWAYS OURS. The raisins were innocent. THEY don't "need forgiveness"-- WE DO. The raisins just became a "manifestation" of our guilt. Christ helped us heal by giving us positive associations to RE-ANCHOR them too: notably, they are GRAPES, the fruit of the vine, a symbol of Christ Himself... but exposed to SO much Light they are "bled dry" and become SO SWEET, a remedy & strength for those fainting & weak in the deserts.
+ More about the raisins: Jesus used the phrase "Nazirite vs Nazarene;" OT vs NT. We WERE avoiding grapes once we learned of old Nazirite vows, superstitiously terrified that if we DID eat raisins now that we had that knowledge, we would "profane ourselves." But GRAPES were okay, because of Jesus. What a hypocrite! We were just using religion to "justify" & mask our deep guilt & shame & fear-flashbacks that ONLY raisins invariably triggered (grapes DO trigger us sometimes, but ONLY when we're unstable; otherwise they have enough positive associations to override the fear). So Jesus reminded us of King David celebrating the Ark's return to the Temple, giving out RAISIN CAKES to the jubilant crowd, full of God-given sweetness, to symbolize the JOY OF THEIR FAITH!!! And He again emphasized the Cross comparison: the dried fruit an image of death, all its water dried up, BUT through that death-- a death ONLY in appearance, AND a death BY LIGHT, by becoming SO full of it the body MUST change to hold it all-- it becomes a SOURCE of deeper life, saturated and so sweet. Just like Jesus. And THAT soothed our fears. We were still anxious BUT we TRUSTED Him-- AND obeyed His instructions when He told me to ONLY eat them 3-4 at a time, with a spoon, to avoid dirty hands, choking, overeating triggers, & anxious rushing.


post-lunch//

(notes were written in fragmented form.)

Jesus gave order directions again; worked PERFECTLY.
Ate with eyes OPEN!!! Jesus asked me to. ♥ Realized the eye-closing is actually TRAUMA RESIDUE = forcing dissociation so we COULDN'T SEE / PROCESS what was going into our body. But we TRUST GOD now, with the food HE gives us to HELP & HEAL us. It is ALWAYS safe, so now we CAN look at it and be grateful AND consciously present!!
DIFFERENT PASTAS HAVE VARYING SAFETY LEVELS!! SO DO APPLES! All different preps elicit different reactions. Be aware of that; it makes healing more complex. Ziti is safe. Spaghetti is scary. Macaroni is TERRIFYING. etc. Make lists??
+ SPAGHETTI is a fear food!! but WHY? meatballs = funeral/ church hall/ VFW dinners (all oddly comfy to sit in? CHILDHOOD. but inexplicably pervasive ambience of anxiety & dread??) Healing hope = get to eat pasta with mom & Lou; attend "ziti dinners" at church; eat at church picnics & such; GRANDPA!!
+ PASTA = boyscout memories too; school too maybe?? TONS of association; hometown is very italian!
+ APPLE JUICE is a fear food! one nice surprise: tastes like autumn sunlight in apple trees. not artificial! BUT?? harvest vibe is the scary thing!! association of apples with FAIRS and such!! healing hope = local tree farm with mom, apple picking in home woods. also scary is "apple juice" as a PHRASE/ CONCEPT, tied to childhood? WHY?? the IDEA of buying OR drinking it is scary!
+ TOMATO SAUCE = I actually LIKE the "sundried tomato" taste?? a nice shock! Happy that it's a red food I may now enjoy
+ PARMESAN = fear food ONLY because of migraines. waiting to see. but we admittedly enjoyed the taste. Jesus said ONE packet-- it was enough!
+ temptation to "create an alter TO eat spaghetti," ESPECIALLY a nonhuman one: I REFUSED.
I DON'T WANT TO BURY ANXIETY & DISSOCIATE IN ORDER TO EAT. I want to HEAL and be WHOLE and UNAFRAID. I want to BE, WITH PEOPLE, CONSCIOUSLY!!
DEVIL PRETENDING TO BE JESUS, TRYING TO TRICK US. Requiring DISCERNMENT to recognize the inherent difference between satan & Christ: apparent to a heart grounded in grace & Christ's peace, BUT veiled & muddled to an anxious, doubtful heart! When struggling like this, STOP & PRAY!! Jesus WILL reply; there are certain things ONLY He can say, too. Remember that! ALSO HIS MOM!!! ♥ Satan CANNOT STAND Mary, & tries to masquerade as her, too. But Mary is INHERENTLY HUMBLE & PURE and believe me you WILL know/feel when it's not her! She ALWAYS leads us TO Christ. Ask for her help always; you're her daughter & she loves you too!!



post-group//

DBT group was REALLY TOUGH as it touched on the topic of self-respect & how it can be DESTROYED by compromising/ ignoring/ betraying one's morals for the sake of "maintaining a relationship." That DEFINED our "relationship" with TBAS and we STILL haven't been able to cope with it. THAT was what killed our very sense of self, AND BY EXTENSION, everything RELATED to that self, which is HOW & WHY our ENTIRE HISTORY OF EXPERIENTIAL MEMORY WAS ANNIHILATED. Honestly I'm actually kind of grateful for food triggers here because they are, oddly but actually, helping RESTORE our experiential memory and reCLAIMING our ACTUAL LIVED CONNECTION & OWNERSHIP of those memories & emotions & contexts!! Yes, I was there! Yes, I felt that way! Yes, I am part of that family, I am a student at that school, I EXIST TO OTHER PEOPLE AND IN OTHER PLACES AND IN OTHER TIMES, and that existence is ONE!!! It is ALL ME. I EXIST, IN A UNIFIED SELF, A CONSTANT EXISTENCE, IN ALL THOSE PLACES & TIMES & TO ALL THOSE PEOPLE.
...After CNC, we lost that for SO LONG... because at our absolute heart IS our morality; our very core is our faith, our religion, our conscience. And the Broken Arrows shot us through.
It genuinely DID "kill" me/us in a very real sense. To suddenly, and SO drastically, sabotage & distort & crush our moral compass, did the same TO our heart. We COULDN'T "keep living as" our Self up to that point because we WEREN'T, not anymore, not with them... not FOR them. And THAT was the root of the problem, as revealed via DBT: we were striving SO desperately to achieve "relationship effectiveness" that we burnt ourself alive on their pagan altar; as blunt and horrifying as that sounds it's TRUE, damn it all. We abandoned self-respect and adored them. We abandoned GOD and idolized them. We STOPPED PRAYING & GOING TO CHURCH there, stopping INSTANTLY & disturbingly so, like being beheaded. We lost our mind & lost our heart & almost lost our soul, too. And we are JUST NOW beginning to recover. But... we haven't really forgiven ourselves for it. That's why it hurts so unbearably & we're suffocating on shame & guilt. God help us heal, please. Have mercy on our poor soul. Restore & repair our broken & missing pieces in Your tender care & wisdom. Please, let us still be Your child. Please. Restore our morality, & fortify it forever for Your sake. Save our soul, Lord, have mercy!!!


post-dinner//

Chicken with stuffing & gravy, white/wild rice pilaf, dinner roll & 1 butter, 3 s&p, 3 creamer, 2 teas.
My blood sugar hit ~72 before dinner & I am still so woozy & nauseous, I feel awful. This happened yesterday too. Chest heaviness & cold breathing. It aches and I'm so tired & wobbly. I wonder why. Jesus, help me to carry this Cross with You!!
The sick symptoms made me scared & so distracted, and there was SO much talk & noise, and all that PLUS my keeping my eyes OPEN made me HARD DISSOCIATE for virtually the ENTIRE MEAL. The silver lining is that I DID talk to Jesus & follow His direction the entire time, so my timing was great and I didn't "blank out" while eating despite the terrible distraction & worried weariness. But it was an important experience to have; I'm now very aware that I need to improve in those areas, and that they ARE risks. Team set my main treatment goal-- stated three times in my plan-- as "emotion regulation" and I agree. I get washed away in them too easily, too totally. I'm apparently not grounded at all! I actually FORGOT about that term until someone mentioned it as a goal today-- "centering and grounding." Christ is my Center; but how do I "ground"? Through the Cross? Through the Via Dolorosa beneath my feet now too? Perhaps. Probably. That will free me from worldliness & enable me TO accept & carry my Cross. Grounding is NOT escaping, remember. It's just getting solid footing despite the waves crashing down on & around you. And that reminds me of a certain parable! "A house built on solid Rock" will endure all things. But... this concept of grounding means that my BODY is part of that house. It means, THROUGH FAITH & TRUST, I will not be afraid to BE in that house during a hurricane, because I KNOW that My Lord is the Master of EVERY storm... even this storm of sickness. He knows what I'm experiencing! "His Eye is on the sparrow"! He holds me in His Hands even now, and He does so with GENTLE, KNOWING LOVE. "If He lets me suffer, it is because He sees something Good in it, which today I do not yet know." But HE does. I must take ALL my comfort from that, and trust Him radically in doing so. Yes, to feel like this is very scary, BUT when I remind myself that He KNOWS this, but ALLOWS it, for the TRUE GOOD of my soul... then I have peace, the peace only Christ gives. And I can carry this Cross, and let it be my ground & center. No running. No hiding. No denial. Just faith, and truth, and gratitude, and TRUST, all through Love of Him, for Love of Him. Jesus, my suffering Savior, grant me the grace I need to surrender this entirely into Your Hands!!

Some quick dinner food notes:
+ WHITE/WILD RICE) I realized I WASN'T AFRAID AT ALL when I was already several bites in. I thanked Jesus immediately. I think the wild rice "made it safe." Good to know! The spices were lovely too. (Rosemary!) It had a slightly tacky texture but it was soft, & clumped SO NICELY. (I REALLY like wild rice's texture) Still, being starchy & in lots of small bits, it took time to chew thoroughly (~15m!!). Eyes open so no associations of memory found; it's a rare food anyway, so there might not be any. But it was thoroughly enjoyable. Thank You, God!!
NO memory association BUT a lingering subconscious anxiety over rice as a concept? (CNC!! WE FORGOT!!) Work on healing that, even within different preparations.
+ STUFFING) SO SOFT!! I regret starting to dissociate & rush for it, but I wasn't in my right mind, nor was I properly prepared FOR an enjoyable food, compared to the superdense turkey stuffing. I let negative expectations hinder me. That's a hard but important lesson to learn! Have HOPE! It was salty & soft & nice. BUT, God MEANT for me to "miss it" this time because it SHOULD be properly gratefully savored on its own, yet THIS time I HAD to eat it WITH the chicken, to meet time constraints, add moisture to the chicken so I could chew/ swallow it, AND practice typical food combos. Reminds us of mom's cooking! ♥ NO Thanksgiving; that has meat!
+ CHICKEN & GRAVY) WITH SKIN, hooray! I do enjoy that. We ate most of the gravy while dissociated so we unfortunately didn't get clear data, but we'll try again, in God's time. Meat is so dry & tacky! It's very difficult to chew without water. So keep that in mind & allow for enough time. Get clear data too-- it's still so blurry. Possibly childhood memory potential. Check. May vary w/ presentation.
+ ROLL & BUTTER) Favorite ♥ Pure, no ties. Bread & butter is a pure, simple, sweet food, & reminds us of grandma. We always treasure it. ♥ Explore the butter resonance soon though; I think it's losing the fear associations it had? See how much resonance it has with the milk = mother + baby association, and SIT with that. We need to learn; if there is healing to do, we want to do it! Butter is a pastoral staple, a shepherd and farmer food, a gift of motherhood and honest industry that the meek & sincere share. We want to share in it too.


post-snack//

Sunchips (salsa) & bengal spice tea (+2 creamers)
TROUBLES: licking bag & fingers & creamer lids. That's unladylike & undignified; work on ceasing this bad habit. Also we were asked a question WHILE eating and were INSTANTLY slammed with a panic attack, WHICH WE ADMITTED ALOUD. Involving our "self/ individuality" while eating MIMICS ABUSE?? BUT making "comments" notsomuch, because THAT is DISSOCIATIVE!
SUCCESSES: were forgiving of self/ humbled by "dirty" nature of chips: notably crumbs, awkward bite size, & eating with fingers. VERY humiliating, BUT using that to crush pride. Please, have the spirit of a thankful & meek child! THAT will heal this entirely, by the grace of God. "Unless you become like little children," remember! "From the fear of humiliation, deliver me, O sweet Jesus!"



prismaticbleed: (worried)

post-breakfast//

Good morning beloveds! Let's start today on a solid good note: Breakfast accomplished a LOT today. We got an EGG! (Shoutout to Elsa, haha) Also a bagel & cream cheese, something totally unexpected but perfect for increasing our empathy for others, so to speak. Lots of people enjoy bagels, including our dear brothers, but we've always feared them, due to their intensely dense & doughy texture (dense foods "scare" us a lot; we need to discover the root cause/s of that). Cream cheese, too, is very dense, so we avoided it-- although someone inside that we can't yet identify did have a noted fondness for it; again, we're not sure why. Most likely it's an association with childhood and/or grandma; I feel strong resonance there. But I digress; that's all the accessible information we have right now, as more is only revealed/ discoverable WHILE eating due to the direct sensory input. We weren't aware that cream cheese needed to be delved into as we ate it today. However, it would have been both imprudent & presumptuous to try-- the first "new" exposure to a food on the unit MUST be entirely receptive. We never know what it will trigger, what it will remind us of, what its synaesthetic palette is, what its texture is, etc. There's a LOT of sheer data coming in, all within a distracting, noisy environment AND while under time constraints. So we must be respectful of our own poor brain's mental capacity! One task at a time, and food exposure #1 must always prioritize what we RECEIVE, purely and unreservedly. Jesus WILL and DOES help us with this! He's the ONLY reason breakfast went so well today-- we talked to Him and followed His loving direction the entire time. YES, HE LOVES US and CARES ABOUT OUR HEALTH AND HEALING! He will NEVER belittle or mock or scorn us. He will NEVER laugh at our "unusual" recovery efforts, like gathering food data & memory managing, because HE MADE US and He KNOWS & UNDERSTANDS US and He will SUPPORT, BLESS, PURIFY, and STRENGTHEN those very efforts FOR HIS SAKE, because HE IS Life and Love and Hope, LITERALLY. So, it is His very nature to inspire & promote & protect & sustain those virtues, AND literally every other virtue. You cannot go wrong when you are walking with Him; He MADE both you and the path of life you are traveling. It is GOD Who controls the world and guides your destiny; that truth is the DEEPEST comfort & joy!! He holds it ALL in His Hands, forever, and He cannot ever be overcome or shaken. His sovereign reign is sure. But, in a terrifying paradox, through our free will, we CAN resist it. That's the foundation of hell. DON'T GO THERE. Go where Jesus leads instead-- the Way of the Cross, of charity & joyfully willing obedience even unto death!!
Now. As for our healing. We also got soymilk. And we sipped it slow & dived in to meet that girl. She's NOT Hoban-- Hoban is similarly depressed, but more distantly, and she is LOCKED ENVIRONMENTALLY into the school she's named for! That revealed to us, shockingly so, that this soymilk girl IS TOO. She's aware that she has to go to school, and go to work, BUT SHE DOESN'T. That's a MASSIVE revelation! She is, specifically, LOCKED INTO THE KITCHEN. We honestly didn't realize that SPATIAL ENVIRONMENT LOCKS were a thing, but now that we do, they explain SO MUCH of social function splitting-- it's the same reason why we can't pass through doorframes or windows in dreams. Every marked "division" of space with a "portal" like that FORCES a context shift, and rightly so!! And nousfoni, being hyperspecialized by nature, CANNOT preserve function integrity upon such a shift; they MUST SWITCH AS WELL. That fact opens up SO much potential for memory unlocking & Spectrum discovery, because it means that EACH space WILL be exclusive, and all its anchored nousfoni will ALSO be as exclusive: kitchen nousfoni CANNOT survive properly outside the kitchen, and ALL kitchen memories/ triggers/ vibes/ etc. WILL be tied TO one of such nousfoni-- who should ALL be, inevitably, SOCIALS. Their Spectrum has GOT to be a LOT bigger than it originally was assumed to be as a result-- it's not just Brown! Heck, we think now that Brown's entire function ITSELF has changed-- it MIGHT even now be mapped as a SUBTONE BANK like Pastels??? We are SO EXCITED to discover more about this as God reveals it to us. We have real hope for healing with this. But yes! The soymilk girl is locked into the kitchen spatially, BUT she STILL experiences the COLLECTIVE PSYCHOLOGICAL AMBIENCE, another "new" Social phenomenon that is explaining so much. What that means for her specifically-- and especially, as she is the one who revealed this phenomenon to us THROUGH her experience of it-- is that although she personally may not-- and indeed will NEVER-- experience school or work or even abuse, WE ALL SHARE A BRAIN AND A BODY AND THAT AFFECTS ALL OF US. So SHE WAS FEELING THE PSYCHO-EMOTIONAL AMBIENCE OF HER FELLOW SOCIALS-- notably the ones in the most immediate context to her: our school Socials and our job Socials. She felt THEIR dread & depression & exhaustion, as if it were in the very air. She was haunted by their ghosts, and her heart ached in unconscious communion with theirs. And now, tapping into her memorysphere, WE felt it too. It was honestly shocking. There she was, in the early morning, the dawn still indigo blue outside, the kitchen stove light on & dim. She stood in front of the microwave, pouring vanilla soymilk into a bowl of cornflakes. But she wasn't physically alone, which blew our mind. Anchored just as solidly in that memory was OUR DAD, sitting at the bar & watching the morning news. He's eating something, but only conceptually-- we can't see it. He seems upset, depressed. So are we. His presence alone is a MASSIVE milestone, as it is PROOF that this memory is in 2007!! Which, also, is a shock-- we timestamp the Spectrum's birth/ awakening as 2008, yes, BUT!! APPARENTLY THE SOCIALS EXISTED MUCH EARLIER & WE NEVER KNEW. So yeah. Proof of a long-suspected truth. Nevertheless, that wasn't our goal or the point of visiting her today. We met her there to share her pain, to know & understand it, to show her TANGIBLY that she was SEEN & LOVED & CARED FOR & SUPPORTED, that she wasn't alone-- ever-- and that it was possible to heal, at last, together. So we stood with her & felt her pain together and THAT is what taught us everything I just wrote about. THAT alone is a huge revelation: that such astronomically vital revelations could, do, and will come from pure compassion. And that sharing of self & scars, that communion across chronospheres, was miraculous as well-- it planted genuine seeds of hope in her heart, soothed her misery, gave her hope, and broke the barriers of her spatial-lock to allow us in. All of our hearts opened up from this effort. Now we UNDERSTAND her context and WHY her memory-triggers hurt so melancholocally. They still ache, yes, but now it's bittersweet; now there's hope, the knowledge that her limited existence (until now!) HAS a purpose, HAS a future, HAS its proper and vital place in the Spectrum's history as a whole. And she can live, knowing that the soymilk isn't al there is. That's... so, so important. I wonder how it will change tomorrow, that food data? And what it will feel like when it heals? ALSO!! What about multiple resonances? We get that with a LOT of other foods, especially childhood ones... BUT we've never known all this about the Socials before. THEY'VE never known that they are part of a "WE" before. They don't know that their chronospheres are PERMEABLE by love, or that their lives have PURPOSE and CAN continue NOW. What I'm trying to say is: even IF we find other nousfoni tied to soymilk in experiential memories, they don't know us OR EACH OTHER. ...Yet. What IF they met each other? Could they? SHOULD they? It's a massive new world of possibility for both healing & integration (of our shattered past) that we MUST pray about. That is, arguably, the MOST important step to take in this entire process: we must pray. Always & everywhere, before & during & about everything, we NEED to pray, because the SOLE source of ALL success-- AND healing AND wisdom AND love-- is GOD. HE must be our ultimate goal & guide in this entire process. Please, remember that. We exist FOR HIM, not us. Soli Deo Gloria, amen.


post-lunch//



This one was an ADVENTURE, and ANOTHER milestone. I want to write about it thoroughly enough without exhausting myself, so we might resort to archivist datalogging instead of "journalist" wordiness. Here's the basics: we got a hamburger & whole milk, w/ ketchup & relish, 2 teas & 2 creamers, salt & pepper. Now of course a burger-- being such a common American & childhood food-- is GUARANTEED to carry multiple resonances. And it did-- VERY unexpected ones, tied to different textures & flavors within the same meal! Which is FASCINATING. That's why we like to stick to solo-ingredient consumption: mixing those data input triggers can be absolutely overwhelming, both mentally & emotionally-- or, it cancels itself out into empty noise. Both are horrible. But yes. The memories/ resonances this burger revealed to us were very educational & informative, but most importantly, we were able to IMMEDIATELY jump into them and do SIGNIFICANT healing IN REAL TIME-- well, within their chronospheres & resospheres, of course. But it was HUGE. The resonances we got were:
1) McDonalds birthday party burger. 9-10-11 age? Conglomerate? Upset by noise, rushing, kids partying & her left alone, expectations. She was so anxious. Wanted: to explore the playzone imaginatively, to eat & enjoy her burger at her own pace but also in community, to not feel rushed to open gifts or eat, to not feel trapped far from home, to not feel like she had to perform, for the other kids to share her interests & enjoy her company & all respect each other, for the acknowledgement of God in even that context. // What we did to meet her needs & heal the stress: everyone sat together & prayerfully, slowly, quietly ate, no one with any time limit; moved it to a local McDonalds; other kids also interested in joining & respecting her imaginative play directions as the leader; other kids interested in Pokemon & Tamagotchis & similar likes, and gave them as gifts, all playing & talking together WITHOUT noise or mania; everyone thanked God for meal & company.
2) Dad cooking burgers on the grill: Thornhurst & the "sunfish lake"; latter possibly an artificially constructed "concept memory", not literally real. No trauma, but still lingering "Dad isn't truly happy and I'm nervous/ guilty/ upset about it." That needs to be healed in future. "Fishing" construct tied to the HAT he wore = relish flavor?
3) Grandpa eating on porch; food not seen but anchored to the relish. Memories of pickle/ bologna sandwiches ("from the army") eaten there causing the resonance. The hat grandpa wore tied into previous vibescape. No trauma, no negativity. We don't "like" relish but he LOVED pickles, which we forgot! Tap into that next time; learn to like.
4) Grandma giving us dinner at kitchen bar. Ketchup & beef; hamburg patty. We were very anxious. Why? Just the kitchen?


LUNCH NOTES =
Oliver/ KN healing affected ALL other perceptions.
"They said I would hurt them" self-pity/ loathing loop
BUT "I don't want to be a dog"
AND mother trouble; self-giving never experienced;
Carnivore coping, weeping over cow giving milk/ meat,
"someone wants me to live/ cares for me so much they would give me THEMSELVES to eat"
no longer have to be a predator to survive
oliver & bloody meat = heart/ life connection corruption
SECRET EUCHARIST DESIRE!!
eating meat = compromise for lack of meaningful personal communion

+ Jesus "disobedience" teaching trick; we didn't ask permission for condiments
TRUTH = "Your free will & My plan for you are meant to COOPERATE, never overriding one another. Your picking ketchup will not send you to hell, nor will it frustrate My perfect plans for you. I work WITH you, & you with Me."

- Don't like the relish BUT it keeps resonating with grandpa = he LOVED to eat pickles, remember?? He's tied to ketchup too; he always ate tomato saucy stuff. Love you grandpa!!

+ Milk "smells like a nursery" = "smells like a MOTHER"; still TERRIFYING on some level??? BIG trauma trigger yet. We actually CANNOT overlay a "motherly figure", all those curves. It's one of our few remaining solid terrors, possibly because motherhood is INHERENTLY tied to sex. That topic is still buried & barred-off.


post-dinner//



"WHAT DOESN'T CHALLENGE YOU WILL NOT CHANGE YOU."

This one was rough SOLELY because we overwhelmed ourself beforehand, & disobeyed internal instructions during. It was humbling. But, it is only through humility & brokenness that we CAN truly grow into better people. GOD is the One Who disciplines & corrects us. Take heart.
Lessons we must learn from this:
+ We only have so much emotional & social energy/ "spoons." Obsessive journaling and extensive talking/ socializing quickly causes BURNOUT.
+ We had to unearth & disclose a LOT of trauma data today, and DIDN'T RECUPERATE. Instead we went to 2 successive groups, depleting our mental reserves & further exacerbating trauma symptoms, like dissociation & compulsive people-pleasing & manic threats. It was lethal to our internal well-being. When trauma is triggered, TAKE TIME TO COPE!!! NO SOCIALIZING. NO EXCEPTIONS. Staying externally oriented PREVENTS recovery & processing. We MUST go inside to calm down & PRAY until we are back in a safe space again.
+ When you get an external synchronistic warning, LISTEN TO IT. The devil's number was on BOTH Bingo cards-- so why didn't you STOP???
+ When you get an internal direction about a meal, LISTEN TO IT!!! We had a turkey sandwich, rosemary potatoes, & grape juice. The direction CLEARLY & REPEATEDLY told us to eat the sandwich first, but we stupidly argued our way out of it, claiming it would be "better enjoyed eaten last," and did so against orders. And WE WERE VERY WRONG. We forgot that eating potatoes solo gives us a GLUCOSE SPIKE, causing horrific anxiety attacks & tremors. Eating the sandwich first would've helped prevent that w/ the protein & fat. God, forgive our foolish & proud resistance to You!!
+ Due to mental overload, we began 5 minutes late as we were dissociating, which ALSO destroyed our first 5 minuts of meal data because our addled brain TUNED OUT and was smothering conscious input by listening to the trivia & stories. And there's NOTHING INHERENTLY WRONG with those things-- it was actually really sweet to be able to hear everyone openly sharing parts of their lives, talking about education & family & music, geography & psychology & art & work & babies! And the trivia itself is actually an opportunity for gratitude to God by the same token-- it is little bits of data about this wondrous world God created & our collective human experience, both of which God protects & sustains & guides & directs. So each trivium CAN be prayerfully used as a spark for praise, IF we aren't wickledly judgmental & proud!! BUT. There is a time & a place. When we begin a meal, whether or not we detect dissociation, our attention MUST BE CONSCIOUSLY FIXED ON CHRIST. Say grace MINDFULLY, talking TO Him, NOT at or about Him only. And then ASK HIM TO GUIDE & HELP US. Then LISTEN to His loving response and OBEY HIS DIRECTION!!! He can only lead you on the BEST path!!!
+ Because of that dissociation, we blacked out ALL the ketchup & potato data. When we realized this, we panicked & asked GRANDPA for help INSTEAD OF JESUS at first. We noticed that too & were deeply ashamed. But God bless Grandpa; his response WAS to direct me TO Jesus instead, and I did, humbly & instantly.
+ We had MORAL PANIC over our rebellious potato mistake, plus the ketchup void mistake. As I mentioned, it triggered a GENUINE ANXIETY ATTACK. We felt like we had done something truly disgusting & meriting of shame & sharp chastisement, something we were awfully ashamed of & could not fix. ...but. We brought this fear to Jesus. We confessed our failure & begged His help & peace. And do you know what He said? "Do you see? Through humble repentance & trust in My mercy & love, I can transform even this mistake into an opportunity for us to grow even closer, and to teach you important lessons you could not have learned otherwise."
When the panic hit, the bulimia symptoms returned. That was TERRIFYING, but I am still thanking God for it, BECAUSE it revealed a breach in the wall-- a chink in our armor, as it were. We assumed, rather immaturely, that if we just "changed spatial context" we'd be fine. NOPE! AMBIENT PAIN! We just learned that today, though, but this was CONFIRMING PROOF nevertheless. One misstep, one trigger, ONE taste of our collective ache, and no matter WHO is up front, if we aren't healed enough-- which we aren't yet-- THEY WILL SWITCH OUT FOR AN UNSTABLE PAIN HOLDER. So when we panicked over food, the IMMEDIATE physiological reaction was, "we made a mistake in eating this, therefore it is WRONG, therefore it counts as POISON, therefore it will HURT US SEVERELY/ UNFIXABLY, therefore IN ORDER TO BOTH SURVIVE & ATONE, WE MUST VOMIT IT OUT OF OUR BODY. THEN we'll be safe." And our body PREPARES to! It's actually INSTINCTIVE by now, especially since it's tied to survival fear. The feeling is horrible. But the point is: IT HAPPENED. Even here, in recovery, it CAN AND WILL AND DID HAPPEN. We're not perfect or impervious. BUT GOD LET THIS HAPPEN FOR THAT VERY REASON. We needed to be greatly humbled in order to gain wisdom. We needed to harshly experience our weakness in order to be prepared for & respectful of it, AND to realize & acknowledge our GREAT NEED OF GOD. We MUST rely on HIM for healing, NOT ourselves!! Without Him we are absolutely powerless and WILL fail. It's inevitable; humans are BUILT to need God & cooperate meekly & trustingly with Him. Life is infinitely more beautiful & joyful that way.
+ We begged Jesus for peace. Admitting our sin, we prayed for His forgiveness & consolation, and implored His help with the sandwich. HE HELPED & FORGAVE. Never doubt His Goodness & Mercy towards poor foolish sinners like us!! He STILL seeks out EVERY lost sheep!!
+ HOWEVER. He didn't take away all the panic, as it still needed to serve a purpose: we needed to practice trusting Him DESPITE symptoms. "But I have overcome the world." And we WERE trusting, becoming genuinely able to enjoy & perceive the sandwich & feel deep gratitude to Him for it, feeling a spark of true joy amidst panic... but we, obviously, didn't trust enough. Our symptoms threw us off & we doubted His directions AGAIN.
+ ...We realized just how disordered dear sweet Iscah actually was, because ALL HER DISORDERED BEHAVIORS KICKED IN. Honestly, with the anxiety trigger-fall, we FORGOT that she used to drink hot sauce & creamer (from the packets!), pick sandwiches apart, lick plates & wrappers, eat tea bags, and obsess over sheer data collection. But ALL OF THAT KICKED BACK IN immediately! And Jesus WARNED us, "don't do it!!" but we were too fuzzy-brained to really listen and we pulled apart the sandwich. Just the last bit, but we felt HORRIBLE, crushed by shame. That, too, was a needed lesson.
+ Some foods DON'T have attached trauma, or attached memory. THAT IS FINE & GOOD. DON'T FORCE ANY!!!
+ BUT so far ALL foods have attached resonance, AND require some sort of healing. DO SO WITH CHRIST; alone we'll fail.
+ DO NOT FORCE OR COERCE SUCH REVELATIONS. YOU CANNOT GET TRUTH BY FORCE. Be patient. It WILL come, in God's perfect timing-- when we're ready, AND as we're ready for. Trust Him, be grateful, & PAY ATTENTION!!!
+ Also, proof of His trustworthiness & love? He USED the postmeal "potato fatigue" to give us BRAIN RESET DOWNTIME. That's the TOTAL peace we prayed for!! GOD IS ALWAYS, ALWAYS GOOD!!!







prismaticbleed: (shatter)

admission //


5½ years later, I'm back at UPMC. New floor, new crowd, same essential structure. However this time my mind is different-- damaged. My heart is, disturbingly, harder. I'm plagued by impatience, despair, frustration, & numbness. I refuse to associate with the other patients so far out of terror towards conversation and socializing. I keep 'kissing up' to nurses & therapists, trying to be the "model patient," but I'm a hypocrite and I will justly crash & burn for it. I don't want to be like this. It's a literal hell.
What happened to me? Why am I so wicked and evil? God, how can I change? How can I heal?
I'm reading the Book of Job and it hits far too close to home. The only key difference is that I'm choking on my guilt & shame; I deserve to suffer all these torments and more. My self-loathing is so intense, so crushingly heavy, I can barely breathe. God, what do I do? Will You help me please?
The other problem is, I realize I am convinced that God is so fed up with me, and all my desires & requests are SO corrupt, that God CAN only refuse me totally. The only morally upright response to me is "NO." It's miserable but it's just. And yet I sob, desperate, when all I want is to die to this life and become good, kind, holy, pure-- but I fear God just laughs, and says, "you don't deserve that." That's not God. My inherent, basic grasp of Who God Is-- despite all my Scripture study-- is, fatally and shockingly, corrupt. My earthly experience has discolored & stained my spiritual one. I find it impossible to even imagine that someone could, or even would, help me, have compassion on me, forgive me, or love me.
Ever since the Spectrum shattered my soul has been rotting. And yet I "refuse" to try and seek them out because "you don't need anyone but God" and "you aren't allowed/ supposed to love anyone but God!" and "you treasured your inner life with them too much; it became an idol; it has to go!" Except we all prayed together & served God together & our collective existence was founded on faith & hope & love. Except now that they're gone I have more time to pray & read the Bible and I never have to think about myself. What hypocrisy. I'm a whitewashed tomb. The more "pious" I try to be, the more I seem to cut myself off from the world. But I love people. Don't I? I want to serve & help people. Except I don't, because the insurmountable obstacle is "I". I avoid true service because I don't want people to see me or talk to me because then I have to exist & be aware of myself and honestly I hate myself so much, so much. How did this happen? I love practicing my religion because I never have to think about "me"... except when I pray, which drives me to tears, except in church, which demands my total participation-- except in heaven itself, you wretched moron, how can you ever be in a relationship with Christ if you won't let yourself be beloved? How can you ever be united with Christ if you won't let your own existence continue? You idiot, you absolute fool; reading the Bible for hours won't save you! Studying does not equal faith! Christianity is about LOVE, about BOTH loving others AND letting yourself BE loved by others. Except that latter bit is impossible. I don't deserve love. No one wants to love me. I'm too ugly, too filthy, too evil, too broken, too wrong. "But God loves me anyway." I want to believe that. Oh God please help me I want to believe that You can & do love me anyway. Is it true? Is it true?


Okay, subject switch so I don't murder myself. I already feel sick & dirty wearing this sweater; NOW they just asked me about food choices and I want to die. I have to drink milk & juice. The problem: both are trauma foods. I'm still convinced I'm allergic to soymilk & I picked whole milk, but that just makes me think of sex. Except babies & pure little children drink milk. Except I'm not pure or a child or lovable like them.

Well dammit maybe you SHOULD TRY TO BE because it's a WORTHWHILE THING TO BE!!
Kids drink juice. Kids drink milk. Cows & fruit!! God created 'em both, PURE & SIMPLE & GOOD. So drink 'em LIKE A TRUSTING PURE CHILD OF GOD. Stop being such a damn cynical grown-up you moron!! I'm sorry but you're really being a moron. Stop "growing up" because you're growing cold & hard. BE A CHILD or you'll NEVER enter the Kingdom of Heaven and that IS the LITERAL Gospel truth!!!

 

(this foni's speech is triggering; click to read) )

 


what about the apple juice
and now PEANUT BUTTER TOO
why are you angry about peanut butter
I fEEL HELPLESS, TRAPPED, AFRAID BY IT. WHy
Chris
ALSO THE #F*CKING APPLE JUICE HE CORRUPTED IT ALL
well then, we just have to forgive him.
AND PURIFY IT WE NEED BOTH
That's absolutely true. Thank you, and I apologize for my blindness to your pain. We do need purification on our end, too. That's the ENTIRE Cross. That's the Blood AND the Water. We must show mercy & forgive, absolutely, but then we ALSO MUST expunge the horrible fingerprints of sin from our soul & memory. That's mercy, too, as well as justice. We need both.

So. Thoughts on "purifying" apples? Go back to childhood-- for us, literally, too! I know we balk & grimace at thoughts of our wild teenage years now, but can that be a starting point?
NO IT'S TOO CORRUPT & DANGEROUS, THERE'S NO GOD THERE
dude nevermind they had a shortage it's cranapple now
THAT'S MOM SHE'S SAFE
So how about the peanut butter?
I can't think of a single positive association for that.
GRANDMA
oh
oh you're right

And kid foods!! "Frogs on logs" & stuff from when we were little!!
yeah but Chris ate it
FORGIVE HIM
LISTEN I'M SICK OF THIS PAIN & FEAR I WANT TO FORGIVE HIM


(A note from upstairs: that "orange" voice is neutrally-oriented; be careful. his role seems to be a foil; the "clever comment" given from a bystander, to push a conversation. Do not expect to have moral or in-depth discussions with him; that's not his function.)



A prayer:
God, Christ Jesus, my guide & Protector & Friend, You know-- and have orchestrated as a gift & blessing!!-- EVERYTHING that is to happen to us today. You have ordained it ALL for the highest good of our soul. Please help us to trust in that completely, especially when we are frightened by not understanding, or not knowing what to expect in the future. In those situations of helplessness, may You be our help-- the only Help we will ever need!! You hold our life in Your knowing, loving Hands-- our past, our present, AND our future-- and You care about us, genuinely & sincerely so. You only want what is truly best for us, and can only do what is best for us, so You are completely trustworthy. Help us to throw ourselves without reserve into Your protecting Arms, and rest there next to Your Sacred Heart, Which loves us so much, unconditionally and eternally. May we never fear anything except separation from You. Draw us back swiftly but gently whenever we wander, and never let us go. Amen.
Jesus, we love you!!


post-breakfast//


A vital reminder: frame ALL your thoughts with gratitude! Look at every circumstance through the lens of joy & thanks, for "this is the will of God for you in Christ Jesus"!! NO EXCEPTIONS!! Literally every single thing that happens to us comes from the Hand of God. NOTHING can happen apart from His Will & permission. So be grateful for ALL of it, ESPECIALLY for the things you are tempted to complain about or angry over or afraid of! I'm serious. TRUST HIM. You're studying Job for heaven's sakes! "Even if He slay me, all my hope is in Him!" God is ALL-sovereign AND ALL-GOOD, and He is faithful. Don't be disheartened and don't despair. Your Creator cares deeply for you.

-I've realized we have a lot of "peptalk" nousfoni who, although genuinely speaking truth with helpful intentions, are INCOMPREHENSIVE OF EXPERIENTIAL SUFFERING and can ONLY speak of crosses conceptually. Their functions are therefore INCOMPLETE BY DESIGN and their input must be considered only rightly ALONGSIDE their aching brethren, their spiritual complements & counterparts.
ON THAT NOTE. Breakfast arrived with an admitted protest against God's given reality: "Is that all we get?" Milk, juice, 2 butter pats, & an english muffin. Black tea requested. 400Ⓚ. Yes, that's it!! So BE GRATEFUL for it! That's the salvific reframing I was talking about-- there is ALWAYS a blessed perspective to take, by the grace of God. "That's all we get" BECAUSE right now, in God's perfect judgment, that's all we NEED. We're just starting treatment, so for everyone's safety, newbies start small. (It's teaching our bulimic ass to eat less.) Yes, that too, she's right! AND it is teaching us TO be genuinely grateful FOR less, so that we may be more readily & joyfully & genuinely able to freely & immediately & lovingly give thanks to God in & for ALL circumstances, no matter how difficult or trying or unexpected, therefore offering ever-more perfect praise to, and giving ever-more total glory to God. So! Beloved, we turned our heart in trust to Him and exclaimed, "Wow! Look at the blessings God has showered upon us! We get a warm, fresh breakfast! We get two whole butter pats! We get an ENTIRE english muffin!" We even got juice that reminded us so much of our dear mother, AND!!! Unexpectedly and Providencially, they nixed the peanut butter PERMANENTLY (so no flashbacks, guys!!), AND since we forgot our Lactase pills, they swapped the milk for soymilk. So, trauma risk averted (we weren't ready I guess & God knew!), and we were able to feel out some shockingly relevant high school sensory memories-- that poor bedraggled dark-green teen who would eat cornflakes & vanilla soymilk and was miserable. (God bless her, poor child.) But!! That's the POINT of this whole food-recovery-thing. Yes we have to heal this poor body & restore both proper weight & nourishment to it as God intended. But far more importantly, and absolutely heart-centrally, we are here to HELP PEOPLE HEAL. Including, inevitably and explicitly, that poor hurting girl with the vanilla soymilk. We cannot avoid her aching pain whenever we taste it. The two are linked: context & experience. So how do we heal that wound? We heal the wounded. We heal her. "But how?" you ask. "She's stuck in 2007, 2008. Her existence is anchored into that time-bubble, and inherently so. How do we heal the past?" Easy!! It never was healed, so her wounds are STILL open and affecting us all in the present! Healing happens NOW. Time is not linear, and besides, we're a Celebi; this whole time thing is in our very soul. She exists NOW, even with roots 14 years old, and we can walk right into that chronosphere of hers as if we were physically there now-- maybe paradoxically even morseo, as we are there with her in heart, with her very heart.
So. Gratitude, so much gratitude, for that especially, that opened door & hope planted & compassion enkindled. But it will take time to heal. Once we have truly reached her, we must SIT witih her and TALK with her and CARE for her because NO ONE DID BACK THEN and her hurt never healed so we MUST do it now. Oh-- and honestly? There WILL be, and must be, less "talking" with her and more FEELING WITH HER. Like united. Heart to heart. Your wounds are my wounds, just like Christ Jesus Himself did for us, not as consequence but as CHOICE; not as shame but as SALVATION; not as loss but as LOVE. God Himself knows we all still kiss the scars on our body not because they are scars but because we SHARE them. THAT is our hope. So this girl-- is this "Hoban"? Or is she a sister in soul?-- has her hope, too, in sharing her personal pain with us, so those hurts CAN finally scar. Step one? Pray we get cornflakes for breakfast, haha. Seriously though, while we're here, EVERY serving of soymilk is an opportunity now to reach in and reach out and BE with her. But it will be brief, at first, AND terribly painful. At that first safe & sacred contact, the weeping eyes and hurting heart can't help but overflow in the sheer shock of overwhelming hope. So we MUST prepare our heart for that, both for our sake & for hers. We need to be strong enough to bear her cross with her, and soft enough to bleed for her, with her. We must stay with her in her passion, our heart and arms both open to her. We cannot flinch or hide or run. When her world of agony hits-- all her memories and terrors-- we must be not only ready and willing to bear it, but also ABLE. Luke 14:27-33 comes to mind, with being bluntly honest about the cost of discipleship. ALL must be sacrificed for Christ, and to follow Him is to love Him, and to love Him is to serve Him, and to serve Him is to keep His Commandments, which simultaneously mandate love of God and neighbor. In short, love costs us, but it's worth it. Love WILL demand a price-- our willingness TO pour ourselves out for others, ESPECIALLY when it's difficult. Remember King David! "I will not offer a sacrifice that costs me nothing!" That destroys the whole concept of sacrifice-- the etymology of which is SACREDNESS. True holiness, real Christian living, MUST cost us our time & comfort & money & desires & possessions & very selves. We, with Christ, must nail EVERYTHING to His Cross out of love, absolutely, entirely. We must be aware of this, and we MUST be prepared for it, and with God's grace & much sincerely fervent prayer we MUST DO IT. Anything less is death, not life. Mark 8:34-38. The blessed paradox. THAT'S the royal road to true joy, and true healing, for ALL of us, promised.

Remember all that; it's vital! But if I may add a few closing notes about breakfast. We had English Breakfast tea, which ALSO reminded us of mom, with the bergamot she loves. We mixed some of the cranapple juice with it, and a spot of soymilk for creamer, and it was really lovely. Thank You God. Everything fit together perfectly, which our own choices would have failed to do. But see! Don't be afraid! God can change or transmute ANYTHING to fit His Will, IF HE NEEDS TO. If He leaves something as-is, that's His Will too! So don't be afraid. Your free choices of food, however clumsy or confused, CANNOT foil His plans. That is the GREATEST reassurance & relief, so rest in that. Lastly... oh man we enjoyed that english muffin. Just soft malted bread and butter, simple & pure, and it was lovely. Simple joys are the best, & prayerful gratitude makes them even better. Thank You, God!!


post-lunch//


We were humbled by our experience at this meal. Proud, we started too slow, and let our mind get distracted by silly trivia & vapid music, AND-- just like that-- we KEPT BEING JUDGMENTAL. How horrible and hypocritical, God forgive us. I'll be brutally honest and confess: we heard the other patients squeeing over Broadway and rattling off celebrity names and reciting pagan mythology, and-- so proud!-- we were so disgusted & disappointed. AND YET we KEPT trying to answer the SAME damn trivial questions, in hopes of "impressing" them and/or "fitting in." Being aware of all that sinful filth in us is dreadful. And it's such an automated response!! Jesus help me, I don't want to think or act like that. I know it's wrong and it utterly nauseates me to admit. But I WILL admit it and confess it to God, to Jesus my Savior and my Redeemer, Who alone can forgive those sins AND cleanse my soul from them. On that note my WORST sin is my judgmental attitude, those intrusive, proud, condemning, contemptuous, ugly, selfish, EVIL thoughts that I DO NOT WANT and am unbearably ashamed of and miserable over. The one male nurse, with the tattoo, my stupidass wicked brain keeps calling a "milquetoast" and a "wimp" because he is SO gentle and kind, he struggles to say ANYTHING that might be interpreted as offensive or confrontational, or even self-promoting. Like with the trivia, if someone guessed wrong, he WOULDN'T even say "no," let alone "that's incorrect," or the very word "wrong." He would say, "they have a different answer listed"!! Or he would say, "let's Google it," and read whatever IT said-- not the card, and not himself, rejecting all semblance of authority or judgment! Even talking to me about unit protocols & information, he is always stumbling over words & smiling sheepishly so that nothing he says has sharp edges. He tries SO HARD to be utterly nonthreatening and safe and faithful and trustworthy, someone that everyone feels safe to approach for help or advice, and yes dammit he is clumsy and a little awkward in the process but HIS HEART IS PURE. And honestly I admire and honor that in him SO MUCH. So WHY THE HELL is my disgusting demonic brain spitting its asinine judgments at him?? I would much rather be overly soft like him than a BITCH like me. And honestly? If you call someone like that nurse "coward" or "wimp" or "weak," YOU ARE A BLIND & STUPID IDIOT who has NO idea what true strength and courage is. To be THAT meticulously meek requires a power of heart greater than you can ever fathom!!! So SHUT YOUR FILTHY MOUTH and don't you DARE mock all the good people on this unit!!! Those girls who love Broadway? That shows their appreciation of the joy of music & the wonder of imaginative storytelling, at the intricate beauty of stage & choreography, of the celebration of human creativity-- THE GIFT & BLESSING OF GOD'S OWN CREATIVE SPIRIT!!! You laugh at them why?? Because they are CAPABLE of such resonant joy & gratitude? Are you envious that they still cherish and kindle that sense of beauty & wonder & community? Do you have such hatred for the imaginative powers of God's children? "But musicals are vapid & empty, without meaning, about stupid things! Just like movies! If they're not explicitly about God they are purposeless and a sinful waste of effort, time, resources, AND human souls!!" You hypocrite, don't you DARE pretend to be on God's side!!! You think He approves of your proud hatred? Of your desire to destroy? Listen. Yes, sometimes movies & musicals are silly. Most of them do not directly acknowledge God. BUT do you think God cannot USE such creations for His Glory-- especially since they ONLY exist THROUGH the creative talents & energy GOD gave them?? Do you think He couldn't have stopped or frustrated any & all people involved if He wanted to prevent their work? Did Babel not fall? Did David not play? Listen. Even in a "vapid" movie or musical, EVERY one, there is truth, BECAUSE there is HUMANITY, the precious creative work of God. Whether that truth be positive or negative, it cannot help but exist & be discerned, because humankind pours its very soul into its own creative works, a soul breathed into him by the Almighty One!! Do you forget, WE TOO have been touched? Do you so easily forget The Last Ship? Razia's Shadow? Take Flight? Phantom? What about the Studio Chizu marathon we did? Oh yes, I REMEMBER how pissed and judgmental YOU were, because "they're pagans!!" and "they're so immature and immoral!!" I hate to tell you, miss, but those "immoral, immature pagans" STILL showed INFINITELY more compassion & kindness & integrity & charity than YOU!!! That beautiful family, that strong and beloved grandmother, the self-sacrifice for one's fellow man, the hope and courage and love in Summer Wars! You scoff and spit at me, but you know I'm right. That young mother in Wolf Children-- yes! A young unwed pagan teratophile mother!!-- she has more pure love in a single hair than you do in your whole damn being!!! You saw her incredible tenacity and sacrificial selflessness, her unfailing hope & sweetness & gentleness, her superhuman courage, ALL for the sake of her family!! And are you going to tell me "movies are vapid!! Secular media is godless!!" AS IF GOD DOES NOT BREATHE LIFE INTO EVERY MAN? AS IF GOD DOES NOT CALL OUT INCESSANTLY TO EACH HEART HE LOVINGLY CREATED?? You're going to tell me a human can AVOID telling of God if he tells of life?? WHAT DO YOU THINK THE PURPOSE AND POINT OF LIFE IS?? Yes it's God, but YOUR definition of "God" is missing the mark entirely if He won't eat with pagans and prostitutes and tax collectors. You hypocrite. Shame on you. Oh yeah, and the kid who knew the pagan mythology offhand? Guess what that tells me? HE APPRECIATES DIVINITY. His mind is drawn to & fascinated by the concept, which is a VERY USEFUL DOOR for the One TRUE God to knock on!!! YOU CANNOT JUDGE. Pointing fingers, wagging your head, scoffing & spitting & mocking, make you a FALLEN angel, you ass. You are CHASING people AWAY from God with your condemnations. JESUS CHRIST CAME INTO THE WORLD TO SAVE SINNERS, to seek the lost, heal the sick, bind up the broken, give sight to the blind, instruct the ignorant, counsel the doubtful, and yes admonish sinners, but WITH LOVE FOR THEM!! And AS CHRIST DID, SO MUST WE. You are NOT a Christian if you don't, no matter how often and angrily you insist you "are doing God's will." Who is your "God," really?? Whose will are you REALLY forcing on the struggling and the lost? It's NOT GOD'S. He never forces, ESPECIALLY not with such pompous windbag cruelty as YOU.


post-dinner//

Back on the meal topic-- God is showing us, through our mistakes & poor judgments & shortcomings, two very important things: one, that we, too, are weak & imperfect & in need of loving correction & instruction in order to grow in health & holiness; and two, that the humbling process of that revelation & discipline not only teaches us to REJOICE in our weaknesses as proof that we are NOT GOD, but that He loves us & we need Him as a Father, and also brings us closer to Him in the process-- AND to all of weak clumsy suffering humanity, through our common struggle, by compassion birthed from that very sharing. In short: God chastises those He loves. That is an HONOR, beyond all comprehension. He disciplines us AS CHILDREN-- but! He can ONLY do so successfully if WE admit we messed up and NEED His correction! Only then can we become holy; only then can we truly be patient & forgiving & gentle & kind & merciful towards others in THEIR mistakes & imperfections, because by our humble openness to receive those very virtues from God, admitting our great need & childlike weakness, we become able to give those gifts to the rest of His children, our brethren. Am I making sense? I feel like I'm babbling, but that's all so important. NOT beating the shortening out of ourselves for every failure is a MUST for recovery, otherwise shame & self-loathing take over & destroy you, because hatred CANNOT cause a good result. It's of death. God is Love & Life & He ONLY hates sin-- NOT PEOPLE! So to imitate God as His children, we must be compassionate like Him, and to give it we must receive it and we can ONLY receive it if our hearts are gracefully open TO it... meaning, we MUST have compassion towards OURSELVES first, and the only way to learn THAT is by seeing & knowing & feeling the compassion Christ has for us, unconditionally.

^ BACK on the meal topic, so we can record this struggle/ goal & take concrete steps toward it: our timing is off. As I mentioned briefly earlier, we start too slowly, underestimating how much time it takes for us to eat one ingredient at a time with little bites, ESPECIALLY when now we are regularly dealing with WILDLY unpredictable textures! That's where we messed up today. We had green beans, turkey, & stuffing. We started with the beans & ate them one by one, enjoying them (they had spices added which was nice), then hit the turkey. Well! We forgot that meat is DRY and sticks to your teeth, taking longer to chew, ESPECIALLY since we have to CUT IT UP into smaller pieces first to avoid choking-- small bites are a must, or we WILL have a problem, with too much of that cloying texture. So that threw us for a loop. We panicked when we only had like 10 minutes left for the stuffing, but we figured we'd be fine as it looked soft. WELL. WE ARE NOT FAMILIAR WITH STUFFING!! It was soft inside, but hard outside, and SO DENSE & STICKY. We tried to cut it up like the turkey, but it began to wetly crumble and we had no time for bits. We ended up forced to take big bites with gulps of tea to get it down, which not only meant we couldn't taste or comprehend it, but the large heavy bites were borderline traumatic, honestly. We made it right on time and felt pretty awful & ashamed, but. We learned. God was telling us, "stop judging," "focus on Me & My help," and "let Me reveal to you some important information you need in order to eat better & more properly." We never expected the texture obstacle! But now we know, so thank You God. We can apportion our time better, and eat more safely too. Every meal we must pray for deeper guidance; trust that He will give it, then readily obey!

^ Dinner was a new chance, and a good one. We had mixed vegetables & a chicken/ broccoli/ rice mini casserole stew thingamabob that was SO nice. Unfortunately, again, we had to rush it, because 1) chicken is MUCH drier & stickier than turkey, and 2) corn (!) takes a VERY LONG TIME to chew!! We did move faster on the other vegetables, because not only did we know their textures already (soft & starchy & good), we ALSO wisely recognized that chewing one pea at a time would be ludicrously imprudent as far as timing was concerned. But yes!! We ate peas, for the first time since grandma (♥) passed on... and they played "her" song on the computer, the one I keep hearing since her funeral. It felt like a kiss of encouragement. Thank you, grandma!! I know you're watching over me & praying for me up there. I still want to get better for you, too. I want you to be "proud of me," in a sense-- but really? I want God to be glorified THROUGH His healing me & my cooperation with His grace, in humble obedient submissive faith, and I want you to rejoice in THAT, grandma. Soli Deo Gloria. God willing, when I-- by His Mercy & Christ's Blood alone-- get to heaven & see you again at last, I want it to be with JOY, for that victory of Christ's Power in my life over all sin & addiction. So thank you for your blessing over the peas & lima beans, honestly. I've been avoiding them-- even cursing them-- since you died, and I can't heal like that. But today? I ate them all with genuine gratitude & joy, and I didn't even think about self-hatred. I know your prayers were a big part of that. Thank you, grandma. I love you so much, forever. I promise, I will continue to let God heal me, inside and out.

^ Snack was full of tension & distractions! BUT! I refused to let those intrusive judgments take root!! Yes the chaperone was upset but it's late and she's tired & overwhelmed & wants to go home. Pray for her to have peace & consolation & comfort & hope & happiness! Focus on her good qualities & look at her through eyes of love! BE COMPASSIONATE!! Let that absolutely DEFINE your heart. I did have trouble with my own nerves, though. They were doing history trivia but the questions were very complex & the one kid answering was having trouble & the nurse was exasperated or just sounded like it, God bless them both I care for them truly, but my nerves went into danger mode. "I'm in trouble/ I did something wrong and there is impending punishment/ imminent scary consequences." Subconscious misinterpretation of stimuli as triggers, really. So it was hard to truly calm down & focus, but I tried. Tonight I actually had assigned snack choices, which was a blessed exercise in submission, meekness, trust, & gratitude in all circumstances. I got a strawberry Nutrigrain & a surprise lemon meringue greek yogurt! Plus red zinger tea (for mom, who got a spider bite WHILE I was on the phone with her; I love her so much). The nutrigrains still burn my throat & I couldn't really register the strawberry taste, but it was nice & soft. HOWEVER. Apparently they are now TRAUMA FOOD due to both CNC & grandpa's closet; maybe even poverty food drives. So more unexpected healing to do! I'm oddly excited. Really though, can you imagine, finally HEALING from that? Finally removing those fears, through God's gracious compassion given to us? What joy!! What a blessed adventure we have ahead of us, to take with Jesus at every step!! Because that is KEY-- HE is the sole guarantor of success; without Christ, we cannot hope to recover. With Him, all Good things are possible. Like actually enjoying the yogurt with no fear! At home it was a panic binge food, a form of self-abuse. But God gave us some today-- lemon flavor, no less! (a trigger potential we must watch)-- and we were actively thanking Him for it, for the wonder of its existence, for the gift of eating it, and it was totally safe & good. All thanks & praise be to God!!
♥ Now we are legit EXHAUSTED and need to say our night prayers so we can SLEEP. Treatment starts for real tomorrow! God be with us every moment!!




072522

Jul. 25th, 2022 10:29 pm
prismaticbleed: (angel)
 

Woke up to a phone call from mom
Want me to go up the house and give Chris the car to get a new tire
Sat on the porch with pepper for a bit on the swing
Remember how grandma sat there for months and watched movies. made me want to cry
Chris asked for a kiss and I was brave enough to say no with no malice at all. I just said no but thank you for offering. 

Made it to Saint Anne's right on time
I kept crying during mass. I felt so horribly unworthy and my PTSD kept getting triggered again. like complete spiritual warfare 

A moment of peace in the Eucharist
Felt Jesus reach out and touch me through it again to calm and comfort me. a complete refuge of safety, a shelter in the storm. 

Confession
"God doesn't curse people" 
In any case I unloaded my whole weary soul in that room 

Ecstasy just looking at Crucifixion and Pieta
No thoughts, just silent adoring love 

Shopping
Asked CHOCOLOCO for help saying no! Missed that dude
Spice and Julie showed up too as reminders 
Said No to Shoprite; Laurie highfived me 

Home
"Angels" and dropping food; Laurie showed up to demand discernment, "WHICH angels??"
Talking to Laurie about CDR podcast 

Prayer
Drinking the Precious Blood of Christ from His Wounded Side
Told me to drink it AS The Chalice; must be wholehearted and committed. 
Like fire inside, like wine. No pain, just pure light 
"You're still too attached to the food" = distracted. But no condemnation; "it's just where you are right now. That can, and will, change" 

I love Jesus more than anything else in the universe 
I ardently want to be with Him forever, loving and praising Him for all eternity 
prismaticbleed: (angel)

perpetual-help:

It makes perfect sense that Catholics would be on Tumblr. Wherever the sick and suffering are, Christ is there.
 

As a sick and suffering soul myself, I joined this site in 2009 and my beginnings were not very holy. I remember the pit God dragged me out of.

The Lord won’t let me leave; my conscience recognizes that same need of God’s Truth and His Love even now, and although I am utterly unworthy of representing it I can at least plant the seeds for Him to give fruit as He wills.

Christ told us to spread the Gospel to all nations, to every last inch of the earth. In an era of digital space, why should the internet be excluded from that great commission?


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Although in the first place, God is the One Who blesses us with both talents and successes, they are given to us for the sake of that ultimate joy– the joy of fully and wholeheartedly living a life of love for God. If we are not using our gifts and talents in recognition of and gratitude for our Creator– if we put no thankful joy or holy love into our work– then what good is any of it? Even the “greatest” worldly success has no purpose as such.

Our lives are worth uncountable riches; all of earth cannot compare. Being alive, as raw and simple as that, is God’s most magnificent gift to us. Consider that. Even if you have no talents, no “marketable skills”, no wealth or even savings, no awards, no trophies, no portfolio or resumé, no bucket list, no vision board, no followers or subscribers, no fixed address, no transportation, no insurance, no cure, no family left on speaking terms, no food on the table, no hope, even… dear soul, dearest heart, in all scandalously paradoxical truth, God gave you life as a gift, and it forever remains a gift!! Even now, frayed and bruised and ragged and crushed and bleeding, just like Christ on the Cross, your life is worth so much that He died in order to save it. There is more to life than this life, but without this one we can’t reach the next! Treasure it, despite all odds, and remember– you are created in the very image and likeness of the God Who Is Love, created through Love and for Love and in Love. Rejoice! Take courage, beloved! No matter what your temporary circumstances are, that truth of your soul cannot ever change.

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I just want to emphasize this truth: everything God gives is a blessing and a gift. Everything! So, if something in our life is good, it’s from God! After all, God’s very nature is goodness & love & faithfulness; therefore He will always give us what is best for our souls, without fail.

I love remembering that. What a spectacular truth, what profound comfort. God is good, forever. We can rest in that.

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We can focus on either our self, or on God– always, those are the only two choices!

Who is really in control? It isn’t us! And it cannot be, ever; no matter how we struggle, we are inherently weak & mortal & unwise. We will quickly burn out all of our strength, resources, & time if we try to manage life without God, and we can all attest to that. But! The very instant we sincerely choose to turn to God, and surrender the day into His hands, we are free! We now have time and strength and joy, flowing from Him, to use for Him.

When we aren’t focused slavishly on self, our souls naturally turn to serving God, both in worship and in His people– we were created to do so, after all. Now, instead of obsessing over our own worries & cares, we can pray in gratitude and intercession. Instead of trying to micromanage our schedule, we are now open to the spontaneity of the Spirit.

Today, start small, with grace. Practice handing over your cares to God, even just one or two at first. Feel the weight being lifted from your heart. Instead of indulging worried thoughts, pray for someone else who needs it. Practice turning your focus away from yourself, and towards God. Breathe, trust, and try to bless others in all you do. Let go and lean into God’s arms. It is a glimpse of heaven.

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‘In a church inside the Monastery of Santa Ana and San Jose in Cordoba, Spain, there is an ancient cross. It is the image of the Cross of Forgiveness that shows Jesus crucified with His right arm stripped off the Cross and down.
They tell that one day a sinner went to confess to the priest under this cross. As usual, when a sinner was guilty of a serious sin, this priest acted very strictly.
Not long later, this person fell back and after confessing their sins, the priest threatened: “This is the last time I’ll forgive you.”
Many months passed and that sinner went to kneel down at the priest’s feet under the cross and asked for forgiveness again. But on this occasion, the priest was clear and said, “Don’t play with God, please. I can’t allow you to keep sinning!”
But strangely, when the priest rejected the sinner, a noise from the cross was suddenly heard. The right hand of Jesus dropped; moved by that man’s repentance, the following words were heard:
“I am the one who shed the blood on this person, not you.”

Since then, the right hand of Jesus remains in that position, for it continually invites man to ask and receive forgiveness.’


Remember this, whenever you are tempted to despair over your own incorrigible wretchedness. Christ is inviting you to the Cross, too. Yes, even you are included, remembered in His Heart, embraced in His merciful love!

“Although sin is an abyss of wickedness and ingratitude, the price paid for us can never be equaled. Therefore, let every soul trust in the Passion of the Lord, and place its hope in His mercy. God will not deny His mercy to anyone.”



061022

Jun. 10th, 2022 10:26 pm
prismaticbleed: (Default)
 
Despite the hell night, its an oddly good day so far 

Covid appointment. The usual data.
Rebecca in lobby, oops. But she wasnt mad, just concerned 
Call on Monday to call therapists, and do that paperwork for her in gratitude!!
Checkin guy & checkout lady super nice too, as always. Just meant a lot 

Finos stop, finally! SUPER OLD AESTHETICS, felt like dupont. Oddly nice. Go back Monday for the magnesium btw 

Church at marello because I had no gas money for dvm
Struggling so hard with food compulsions. Wanting to get foodbank green beans for some reason. So distracting, humiliating even. Felt like being pulled away from Jesus. 
Communion I felt dehumanized still, but loved. Like Jesus met me IN my wretched state, NOT rejecting me for it. Like I was a leper. I felt like a beat-up stray cat licking His wounded hands. Lost but found, tossed out but now welcomed. I felt like a child, the blood on my innocent tongue, bewildered by the gently mind-blowing power i sensed there as much as by the simple yet crushing intimacy of His palms, pierced and held down, open, to me. A little lost cat, a little sad child. Divinity coming to me, hungry and haggard, miserable, and offering Himself to me for food. True food. 
It meant the world, those moments. 
Then, IMMEDIATELY as i left the nave, THREE PEOPLE SUDDENLY STOPPED TO LOVINGLY COMMENT ON MY BEING THERE AT ALL. here was love and acceptance from the body of Christ. 
SANDY, the cool fashion lady with red hair. Bringing me a blessed medal of Mary FROM TURKEY!!! ;_____;
JEAN? But she's an EXETER i think? Her husband's grave is right near grandpa & grandma. She consoled me on that huge loss.
MY DEAR MATTRESS LADY what is her name. But we chatted a bit in the bathroom about the Eucharist and the weather, God bless 

OBLATES of course.
Caught the tail end of the Homily on the radio. EXACTLY WHAT I NEEDED TO HEAR. I'm sure its online, WRITE IT DOWN 

Shopping 

Flashbulb music loop. "Teeming disconnected"
CHAOS ZERO talking to me. IN A SUIT
"I need to be a real husband to you now" = providing and protecting, etc. 
That is absolutely flooring me because THOSE ROLES NEVER FELT CONCRETELY "RIGHT" BEFORE.  Like we weren't ready. But suddenly now, as of late-- with all the prayers I've been saying and all the striving to become my real self in Christ and to leave sin & addiction behind and to be a good woman, not a little girl anymore--  It feels like the pieces for that grand beautiful thing have finally moved into their proper place as well. 

Cooking 
Listening to the Liturgy of the hours, one after another after another, and just feeling so happy to be swimming in the word of God as it were
Laurie talking to Spice, Discussing how we need to be gentle with the compulsion nousfoni about the food addiction, but that we are improving. Day by day, don't give up.  But going cold turkey would not solve the root of the problem and would make things worse just like it did in the past.
we just all need to be prudent and firm and gentle and compassionate and patient. 

Browsing Tumblr
Seeing Lolita and kidcore blogs that people are posting for aesthetic,  And suddenly realizing quite concretely that I don't want to dress like that or collect those things;  Rather there's now a real desire to give those things to and and dress a child like that.  Like I've finally moved past the perpetual childhood compulsion-- I don't want to be a child in those ways, I want to give those things to a child rightfully so.  Considering the fact that we still have so many age locked altars, That step in the core psyche is quite monumental. 
Another huge step is the fact that seeing grown women dressing in childlike ways really makes me disturbed and nauseous now. It feels like pedophilia and it's very very wrong. So I'm now moving out of that same fashion sphere, through wanting to grow up in reality at last. 
It's a really good feeling. I feel like this is one of the doors to the future that has been locked until now. 

By the way I don't know if I've ever mentioned how happy I am that I'm finally fixing my relationship with mom. I love her so much and im glad that we're finally growing closer.   I want to do stuff together with her like the boys do; I'll have to figure something out. 

Absentmindedly tasted some ketchup from a packet with my eyes closed And got a punch of a Flashbulb memory.
Apparently my brain associates ketchup with county fairs and Apparently my brain associates Redners ketchup with county fairs and carnivals. But heinz ketchup has more vinegar and THAT reminds me immediately of firehose company breakfasts! That's bizarre but interesting & very important info! 

Stomach dislikes avocados?  It's the only thing different I've had today so far and I'm getting intense stomach cramps. Huh. 
Still fiercely craving hot sauce too. WHY. 
I'm so tired of fighting food. I just want it to be simple & normal. North Carolina made it SO MUCH WORSE but thats NO EXCUSE for not fixing it now!! 

Gas Station stop. Why.
Affection wire crossed with breakfast sandwiches. Absolutely COPE associations.

060122

Jun. 1st, 2022 10:23 pm
prismaticbleed: (shatter)

Slept until 1140
RAN to mass, somehow got there even early
Low glucose, hard to focus 
Wore grandma's dress 
Forgot to wear red for the martyrs, felt bad 

Did laundry
Took 4 entire washers
Vacuumed at last
Read some mail
Miraculous medal donation request 
VOTM John Chau story. I wept
My faith really has become lukewarm. Disturbed deeply. 

Finally breakfast at 4
Mom called, i thought it was about the looming storm 
No it was about a SHOOTING AT THE LOCAL WALMART WTF. 

Like an idiot, brain latched onto this "obstacle to freedom," got in car and drove to Aldi
ON LOCKDOWN.
redners was not. Got typical vegs, oats, stevia, eggs, tuna. Place was dead empty, employees talking about police. Surreal
Drove past Aldi to leave, still closed.
CAR AT STOPLIGHT. felt deep fear for some reason. "That's the active shooter." Watching them in rearview, windshield dark but I could tell they were laughing. SUDDENLY ALL THEIR DOORS OPENED AND THEY GOT OUT AND RAN TOWARDS MY CAR. 
I FLOORED IT through the red light. Sobbing and praying hysterically. So afraid they would find me and follow me home. 
Got home safe, locked door, cried. 
Got laundry put away. Said rosary while I did. 

Talking to Laurie briefly. 
Her trying to "streamline" her function do she's not "trying to be everything to everyone "; she quipped "only God can do that; and only God should"
Her color getting more violet too. Poignant but moves the heart. A good thing. 

Binge thoughts. In light of Romans 6:2. Origen. 
Do I "desire" to do this? Feeling it out.
Answer? NO. BECAUSE THERE IS NO "SELF" THERE WHEN THIS HAPPENS!!!! It's social mode empty head muzak dissociation. The "desire" to eat is a desire for repetitive sensory movement & input IN ORDER TO SHUT DOWN THE SENSE OF SELF!!! 

Thinking "Jesus didn't fall today" (the little cross)
Answer: Jesus fell UNDER the cross, 
Remember that he said that the reason why he let the statue fall was so I would pick it up. That would show that I loved him enough to always do them. But it upset me because I would think well you keep falling it would upset me a great deal because I didn't want him to fall. And the weird thought would come up don't you love me because I thought the falling meant he didn't love me it was a punishment somehow. In response I got well isn't that how I feel about you?  I don't want you to fall it upsets me a great deal and you keep falling but I will always rush to your side and pick you up with great love and compassion. He let himself fall into the cross to show that he understands completely wanted his like when we fall even though he does not sin. 

Truly I hunger for God. I ravenously read Scripture, I can't get enough. Its an actual SENSATION of hunger. 
I don't get hungry for food anymore, not truly. I do get hunger pain, but I don't crave food. I just have the empty compulsions that I'm fighting. But there's no desire. 
Whereas I want God SO BADLY I could cry. It's a Starving feeling whenever I turn my attention away even for a minute. But its bliss to return, to FEEL Him embrace me back, to live in Him. 
The eating disorder is a barrier between us. It must go!!!! 

Eucharist feelings lately. Those precious few seconds of PHYSICAL CONTACT WITH GOD. 
"Mouth to skin" like a nursing baby. 
The tongue is how a baby senses the world. Everything is taste. So am i, babe in faith, learning the world = mother = His wounded side = my God and my All. 
Every encounter is unique, but sacrosanct. Sometimes I taste blood. Sometimes the salt of sweat. Sometimes the softness of a breast. Sometimes the shock of an open wound. Sometimes a kiss. But nothing if I am not there with Him totally. 

... But I'm also so aware of how SICK my soul is lately. 
I want to be a Saint but God i need my entire nature to be rewritten at this point. I'm such a wreck. And I KNOW it. That's the worst part, the conscious dissociation paralysis Paradox. Its hell. I want to stop, why can't I stop??? 

Goretti adoration hour 
Virtually no one there-- theirs is a youth group thing???
Twangy voice girls singing prorestant pop on a keyboard. I'm sorry I sound bitter but it felt weirdly irreverent and I was CHOKING ON PANIC & FEAR. both over food & environment. 
Still kept my eyes on Jesus. 

GORGEOUS pink soulfire lilac fishscale ribbon sunset 
Driving felt surreal. Being out so late feels wrong, foreboding. 

Home at 9
Still SO SICK for some reason. Thought I'd pass out 
Decided to eat and see how that affected it
(Again, bizarrely, puking resolved the symptoms. Why??????) 

My seeking comfort in sensory pleasures is rooted in the FEAR THAT GOD DOESNT WANT ME IN HEAVEN, THEREFORE I MUST COMFORT MY WRETCHED SELF HERE. THAT IS A FALSE FEAR!!! GOD LOVES ME!!! And honestly I think if I DID give up all earthly comforts even on just the DESPERATE HOPE that I would instead get comfort in heaven one day, despite the unworthy and horrible wretch that I am, God would mercifully respond TO that mad trust and sacrifice of hope "against hope". God isn't spiteful. He would never kick someone when they're down. He would never mock someone in tears. Sometimes I find that hard to believe. But I know Jesus would not do that. So I must trust Him. 

Eating while reading Bible = sowing tares among my own wheat!!!
prismaticbleed: (angel)



Mikhail Nesterov: The Empty Tomb (1889)


I love the link of light between the flaming sword & the tiny candle. Both burn with hope and love.
And yes, through Christ-- Who is both the Crucified and the Risen One-- death is not the end! Through His Resurrection, the "worst thing", the end of earthly life itself, is not the last thing... which means that, once the worst is over, all we have left is joy.

When we live well– with our desire & goal being heaven alone– then death is a fulfillment of a life lived for Him, and an ending only of all struggle & hindrances to holiness. To one who lives for God, death is but the doorway to unending joy.


But when these things begin to come to pass, look up and lift up your heads, because your redemption is at hand.
(Luke 21:28)

 
I just read Luke 21 today, and that verse in this context is giving me chills. Here, Christ has died, and today, Christ is risen... but at a time only God knows, Christ will come again-- terrible, beautiful, with all the glory He both hid and held at the Cross.

Remember that, too, when you lift your head to look at Him upon it!

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Holy Saturday is a POWERFUL reminder that the silence of God does NOT mean the absence of God.

Even after His physical death, Christ was not gone– He did not abandon or forget us. So it is even now, in our own sufferings and yes, even our deaths. If you cannot hear His Voice from inside the tomb, do not fear– He has risen; and He will open every grave in due time. Until then, He is there with you, silent yet staying.
Holy Saturday is eerily quiet, but it is in that quiet that God paradoxically speaks. You just can’t hear Him with your ears. Today, listen– even now, as always, there is a hint of heaven in the air.

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Holy Women Leaving the Sepulchre
Philip Galle––1587


How terrible that departure must have felt-- especially for His Mother! To leave Jesus there, cold and covered in blood... the utter heartache in this is tangible, made even more stark by the mundane background details... the men carrying the ladder away from the Cross, Joseph and Nicodemus unaware of the worst horrors, the City towering on the horizon just like any other day. The only thing markedly unusual is the empty Cross, soon to be removed as well. Business as usual.
But the women know the truth. Something great and awful has happened, and nothing is the same. And Mary, perhaps Mary alone, knows even more, that there is an even greater event coming. Still, she must leave Him until then, and no amount of hope, however actual, can erase her equally real agony.


The Pieta - Gaspero Bruschi


Oh this is stunning.

I honestly love artworks that show the angels mourning the dead Christ alongside Mary; it really hits home that all of heaven wept with us.


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The Harrowing of Hell (or 'Christ's Descent into Limbo') is my FAVORITE thing; it strikes me to the heart with unutterable joy.

Christ dies, goes down to the netherworld as all humans did until then, and the devil thinks he's got Him, game over! Except Christ has come carrying the battering ram (pun intended) of the Cross. Fearlessly and with incandescent purpose, He wrenches open the jaws of Hell and breaks through its prison bars, takes Adam & Eve by the hands, and marches with them and all the ancient Saints in blissful triumph right through the also-thrown-open gates of Heaven. He destroys death WITH death, because once He touched it with those Bloodied Hands, it changed-- transformed from a lethal weapon to an instrument of life. Satan was, indeed, bound and plundered, never to recover. It's glorious beyond words.

To think; while His Apostles and beloved friends were mourning and waiting, lost out in the cold before the Tomb, Jesus was wrecking Hell itself, and changing history by redeeming all that the ages had long held in hope.

THAT is the triumph we are celebrating even tonight, when the Tomb itself becomes flooded with light, emptied of all but promises fulfilled. At nightfall, weeping enters in, but with the dawn-- rejoicing, infinite and eternal!

Christ is not risen yet, but believe me, He is having a hell of a time until then.



Jesus is legit just stepping over the busted door, with Satan UNDER IT. 


Look at that exultant entrance! Look at the skulls and snakes crushed beneath His Pierced Feet! Look how every poor soul reaches to Him with every fiber of their being! 


VICTORY IS COMING!


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(all image credit to the photographer)


Fountain.

Come to the Fountain-- see this overflow of grace, of life, of joy, of love! Yet what a shock we encounter; for it is still all His Blood. All of that beauteous promise is wrapped up in red. Yes, we can drink from the wellspring of salvation, indeed we must, but that infinite source is His Heart.

Can you-- will you-- stand so close? Why do you hesitate?

I'm struck to the core by how Christ is looking at her, clear agony in His gaunt Face and yet so tenderly, terribly compassionate even then. He seems almost imploring-- her fingers are stained with mercy but there is so much more to be had-- He bids her to drink, My child; take as much as you need; this is all for you, the one I love enough to die for.

He says that to all of us, there on the Cross.

Even now, we too are wrapped in red.



Compassion.

"If I, your Lord and teacher, have washed your feet, you too must wash each other’s feet. I have given you an example: Just as I have done, you also must do... I give you a new commandment: Love each other. Just as I have loved you, so you also must love each other." (John 13:14‭-‬15‭, ‬34 CEB)

We are His servants of love-- bound in joyful duty to Love Himself. Our every action is to be defined by this blissful mandate.

So then... why do we neglect compassion towards Him? Is He not in need, too? Has He not suffered more than we can imagine? Indeed, we must also love our Lord in the same way He loves us.

Wash His feet. Bind up His Wounds. Gently wipe the Blood from His Face, and kiss away His Tears of pain.

Do not be afraid of the Cross. It, too, is an act of compassion.



Tenderness for my wounded God.
 

His Crown is not of thorns, but of tenderness-- the true power of His Kingship hides in the kisses encircling His bleeding brow.



Tenderness for my wounded God.

There is such aching softness in this; one even forgets that Christ has just been crucified. Lying there in her arms, reclining on her lap, the Beloved One rests in His completed work and in the embrace of His own Beloved child.

The dawn breaks; the doves appear. Light shines in the darkness, and hope spreads wings of freedom over the weary world.

Spring sets its emerald promise like a jewel upon the trees. New life is coming... the Tree of Life has borne its fruit.

In the heart of it all, red wounds color a red woman, the hue of salvation echoed in the very sunrise. Tenderness so deep it aches has soaked into the very fabric of our souls, of reality itself.

There, together, is unending peace... unending joy... unending love. The pain lasts but a moment. With the dawn comes this.


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Jesus Washing the Feet of his Disciples

Albert Edelfelt⏤1898

The tenderness of Christ, and the tension of the Apostles, are amazingly tangible in this. Look at their hands!

Look at all the closed body language– how nervous they are, how sheepish they appear, strangely humbled by their Lord’s shocking humility, by this sudden mundane intimacy. Christ has never touched them so carefully before. Christ has never seen how dirty and pungent their calloused feet are. If they balked at revealing the filth of their soles, is it because they were now just as immediately aware of the far more malodorous sin on their souls?

Even so, there He is, meek and quiet and impossibly gentle, washing the dust of the wearisome road from between their toes, beneath their nails. It’s such a motherly action, far moreso than a servile one: yes, a servant will clean your feet, but only a mother will bathe you, washing away even your darkest fears with her knowing touch– and only a mother is allowed to be so purely intimate. Well… a mother or a lover.

“Unless I was you, you won’t belong to Me.” How much more depth that phrase holds, in such a light. What trust, what fidelity, what selfless love He gave them, and implored them to give in return! What sweet meekness, to serve others not as obligation, but as an honor– as a true joy! This is what it means to be His disciple, a child of His Kingdom. This is His example; this is the heart of God.



The Last Supper
, Jaume Huguet, ca. 1470

Judas’s shocking lack of a halo is almost unnoticeable at first, his hair blending in with Jesus’s robe– and with the wine, both cruel and chalice. His role as the betrayer links him to both the “cup of suffering” Jesus was about to drink, and the “outer garment” that was to be gambled away at His death… to blood and greed.

He reaches for the lamb, alone dipping his hand into the dish, his portion of bread the only one with a piece “cut off”. He is helping himself, not waiting to be fed by the Lord. Perhaps he fears he will not get “what he wants,” or as much as he desires… certainly that thought motivated his apostasy; he wanted an earthly kingdom, not a heavenly one. He sees this dead lamb and only thinks of eating it. His appetite is for the dead flesh, not the Living Bread.

There’s a cat at his feet. Medievally, they were often symbols of vice. Historian Damien Kemf says, “Unlike dogs, cats cannot be trained to be loyal and obedient; they will go to whoever gives them food… Their ability to see in the dark was often associated with heretics, who ignored the light of Christ and preferred to stay in darkness.” I daresay that, domesticated, the “roaring lion” is harder to hear or even suspect, but he still “prowls about, looks for someone to devour”…

I look at the dark robe shrouding our Lord and I just think, “and it was night.” Yet even that will be shed in time. Despite all, the light shines through. It is tragic, that Judas could not see it… ironically, his head is the only one bereft of gold.


scrunchie-face:

Losing my mind over the gospel of Luke being like “they wrapped his body in linen cloth and laid him in a tomb” after the beginning of the story being “they wrapped him in swaddling clothes and laid him in a manger”


Also, consider that the man who wrapped & buried Jesus’s body was named Joseph. At the beginning and the end, Mary and Jesus were with a Joseph. I wonder how she felt, if she knew his name.

But the name is also shared by the ancient Patriarch. The name in Hebrew holds meanings of “gathering together” and “harvesting”– with a core message of “feeding the hungry.” The first Joseph did that in Egypt, saving thousands from famine with the bread only he had. Mary’s husband Joseph did that with Christ, the Bread of Life, placed in the feeding-trough… and Joseph of Arimathea did that by placing Christ in the tomb, like planting the seed for the eternal life-giving harvest of the Resurrection.

Just… there’s so much. It’s wrenchingly beautiful.



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They say, "sin wouldn't be so attractive if the wages were paid immediately."

A very bold, dangerous prayer is to ask for this-- even just a little. "God, when I am attracted by sin, show me immediately the true nature of it! Show me its ugliness; show me that it is not worth what I think it is!"

Be vigilant! Sin can only allure you if you are looking with worldly eyes; if you look through the lens of faith, its facade fails. God will give you that sight if you stay close to Him, your desires fixed on Him alone.

The wages of sin is death, and the more your life is spent abiding in the sweetness of Christ, the more clearly you will smell the opposing stench of death in every temptation to sin. Fear not! Stay close to Christ; He will guard you.


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There are only two kinds of people: those who say to God, ‘Thy will be done,’ and those to whom God says, ‘All right, then, have it your way.’

— C.S. Lewis
 

I am genuinely terrified of ever hearing that statement from God. It's an immediate death sentence-- a clear testament to the fact that whatever "way" I might be insisting upon, it isn't God's Way.

The good news? If I-- if you-- ever hear Him say that, we can just as instantly stop and repent. We can respond, "wait, I have been foolish and ignorant; now that I clearly know You are not with me on that path, I forsake it. I do not want "my way" if it means going on without You. Please forgive me; have mercy, and lead me in Your Way instead."

God warns us, not to damn us, but to rescue us. He says these things to purposely shock us, to make us fearfully realize the grave nature of our rebellion, however blind it may be. God will not deny His mercy to anyone, if they sincerely seek it from Him with a contrite heart. He will never turn away a soul that returns to Him in truth, no matter how far they may have wandered before.

Practice saying "Thy Will be done." If you've never actually affirmed it before, do so now. Even if its feeble and afraid, hold it in your heart, and pray for the grace to day it ever more strongly, until it becomes part of every breath you take. Never give up. You do not want to be in that second group, and you never have to be. God doesn't want you lost, either. Take courage, and trust Him.


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Spiritual desolation is terrifying; God feels utterly absent, distant, unreal; all memories of consolation become untranslatable or inaccessible. The heart becomes dry and hollow; prayer suffers, joy withers, peace disappears. How, then, can this profound numbing of the soul benefit us? How can such a chasm of emptiness possibly do us any good?

That’s what this quote clarifies. That’s the paradox. It doesn’t.

Desolation is the anaesthetic. That’s it’s true job. But God is the surgeon.

When we are desolate, we still know God is real; we still have faith burned into our being, even if we feel nothing, even if doubts and fears plague us nonstop. We hope against hope. We cling to what we cannot even sense anymore, and yet we cannot ever deny it outright. Even collapsed under the weight of our cross, we know Someone gave it to us for a Good Reason, and if that raw fact is ALL we have to go on as we hobble on to Calvary, then so be it; it is enough. It must be enough, if it is all we were given. God knows. We don’t. That’s the point.

We forget that we’re not the ones doing the work. When we are anesthetized, desolate, we cease striving after our own notions of success. We stop taking on more than our share, we abandon ambition, we no longer try to guess or even edit God’s plan for our life. We are like unruly yet beloved children, who genuinely want to help Him with the home repairs but keep losing the tools and touching all the wet paint… we don’t understand when He says “no,” even though He says it with love. We can’t quite grasp the truth of our “not knowing”– of our not even being able to know. We just want to help. Come on, Dad, let me plug in the wires. Let me hold the drill. It looks so easy! But pride is lurking, and ultimately the only way to humble our childish enthusiasm is to give us a time-out. Out of the room, away from Dad, unable to interfere. Out of love.

Soon enough, He will come and get us, and show us what beautiful work He has done… all for us! All within us! So we must doggedly hold on to faith, and hope, and charity, even if just with our feeble will– no feelings, no fervor, just a weak but honest resolution to not give up on God. Wait one more day. One more. One more. Keep waiting. Keep trusting. He remembers you, of course! He is working on you, remember? You’re just under anaesthetic for a while. The numbness is not permanent. Be patient, beloved. Carry the cross with gratitude. It is, truly, our only hope, even in this.

Transformation requires desolation. Remember that. So it was with Christ; so it must be with us.

Re-read the Archbishop’s words and take them deeply to heart. You need this understanding, this acceptance. Sometimes, for the greatest good of our souls, all we can do is let ourselves be put aside so God can do His work. This takes immense trust, and love, and humility. Tell God you are willing. Pray fervently for the grace. Then… well, “count backwards from 100”, as they say. Let God decide when to work. Do not impede Him, even in good will. Surrender to that sanctified numbness. And wait on the Lord.


“Never be afraid of your Bibles. If there is a text of Scripture you dare not meet, humble yourself till you can. If your creed and Scripture do not agree, cut your creed to pieces, but make it agree with this book. If there be anything in the church to which you belong which is contrary to the inspired word, leave that church.”

— Charles Spurgeon
 

This, right here, is the powerful heart of Christian living, the true fire of Charity.

The Bible contains many “hard sayings,” many difficult commands, and plenty of convicting truths. Being the Holy Book, it will inevitably point out our unholiness with piercing accuracy. Don’t run away. Don’t let pride make you hide! That Biblical cutting-down-to-size is what cuts out our sinful habits, if we humbly accept that we both need and deserve the process.

Likewise, some of your personal beliefs, opinions, preferences, ideas, etc., being formed by the world, will stand opposed or contrary– however minimally– to what it says in God’s Word. You may laugh this off as mistranslation or “outdated doctrine” or the like, trying to justify yourself and validate all your thoughts instead, forgetting that you are terribly fallible and prone to commit error every moment. When your viewpoint clashes with that of Scripture, you get off that high hill of yours and seek a different vantage point. When your own “book” of rules disagrees with the one Good Book, you tear your tome apart at the very spine. I use brutal language because we cannot be mincing or hesitant in these matters. There is One Truth that is God, and if we encounter opposition to it in ourselves, however “minor,” it is still a lie in the face of God and it must be removed and replaced.

Lastly, we live in the last days. The Church, though her heart is safeguarded as the Bride of Christ, nevertheless is maintained by thousands of human sons & daughters who maim their Lord’s teachings by their own errors, by gutless lies and social pride and moral laxity. Your local church is not exempt from this plague. You must keep your eyes & heart fixed on God’s Word, vigilant for any missteps or malice both within yourself and in your worship community, and like a devout soldier, always ready to defend your Lord’s honor and guard His Church from the enemy, the Liar. Be gentle but firm, courageous but meek, merciful but just– and start with yourself. Get the beam out of your own eye, by the grace of God! Only in true humble piety can you discern dangers in the church, which includes you. If you aren’t properly living as a sheep of His flock, you won’t recognize the impropriety of a wolf… and a true sheep knows their Master’s Voice: a Voice we learn to love through His Word.

Never be afraid of the Bible. Yes, it is full of fearful power, but that power is meant to save! Such is the nature of holiness. Its fire is meant to purify and enlighten! Every word within it has been given for Good. Trust in its heart, and read it constantly. Let it define your entire life, for when this life ends, only the soul who has loved God’s Word will know the Way to life eternal.





prismaticbleed: (angel)

When I am farthest away from everything else, I am nearest to God. When I feel abandoned and rejected by my family, and have no friends to turn to; when finances crash and my health fails and I see no way out; when facing my past is terrifying and facing my future reveals a void; when my own stupidity and weakness and sinfulness crushes me to near despairing… God is close to me. When I am hollowed out with grief, He fills me with His loving Presence. No matter what I suffer and lose on earth, God is my inheritance forever. He will never leave or betray me. He holds both my past and my future in His caring hands. When my heart is broken to pieces, then He can touch it most gently, putting it back together as precious art, with the gold of faith. When I crack under stress, His Light pours in through the shattered places, beams of hope through the darkness. When I weep, He promises me joy in Him, but He also gives me a bittersweet and beautiful joy in my tears, for He always, weeps with me. He never downplays my grief, or laughs it off, or says its no big deal. He cares, deeply and completely, to the point of feeling everything I feel. How else could He understand so sincerely? How else could He heal so thoroughly? How else could He love so totally? He heals my hurts but He shares them first. He bleeds with me. He carries my scars. He knows my suffering, and through it, He points me to the Cross– the sacred place where I am nearest to Him, where I am delivered from all discouragement, where my wrecked and weeping earthly body dies with Him… to be reborn new and joyous and free with Him, with the promise of eternal life… of eternal Love. My broken heart is a doorway inviting me to participate in Christ’s suffering just as He participates in mine– to come into His Passion where I will learn compassion, mirroring His own pierced Heart on the Cross, pouring out mercy and empathy for all the aching hearts who seek refuge in His. Let my pain, too, then, bring me to Him. Let it all be blessed. Let me throw my arms around this Cross on which we both hang in hope between heaven and earth. The Lord is close, closest to me then.

(Reflection on Psalm 34:18)

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When you are struggling with addiction relapses, do not despair, beloved! Although such setbacks are crushing, they are not fatal, if you hold courageously to hope in God’s power to save. He will fight for you.

It might take time. I know; I have been there in the pit too. But keep praying. Keep trusting God’s timing and care, that He WILL vanquish the addiction at the proper time. Until then, keep your heart and mind grounded in hope. Prepare for His victory. It will come.

You have fallen, yes, but Christ fell under the Cross too. He understands; He knows exactly how it feels, and how to help you stand again.

Addiction is illness; it is not truth. You are not, and cannot, be defined by it. God will restore you; it is inevitable. He is the Divine Physician. Your wounded soul will be healed. Just keep asking Him. Persistence shows dogged faith, and such faith is powerful. It brings miracles from His Hand.


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Spiritual warfare becomes brutal on holy days; the devil refuses to give God any allowance. As holiness increases, so does suffering. Remember this! Be vigilant and watchful in prayer, fasting, and almsgiving-- this Lent and always. Your only preparation for such demonic ambushes is closeness with God, an intimacy which you cannot achieve if you are instead wrapped up in the world. So pray always. Be humble, mortify the passions, and do works of mercy, however small but sincere. You will still be attacked. Christ was, too. Satan will war against God's children until the end of the age; we must never seek to be excluded from that paradoxical honor of suffering for Christ. But we must also never try to fight without Him.

On those holy days, when trials and temptations increase, cry out to God! Run to Him and pray for His merciful grace-- for the armor of God! He will give it to you. He will dress you in it. Then fight with prayer, humility, and courage, trusting only in God, Who alone can deliver. Even if you stumble, God will catch you, and help you up. You may still bleed, and weep, and struggle bravely, but you will not be destroyed, for You belong to Him and He will save you.

Maybe you won't grasp just how much God has saved you from until the "war is over," and He calls you home. But He does give grace, in every battle until then, if you pray for it & open your heart to receive it. He will come to you and help you.

Resist the devil, and he will flee from you-- not because of your resistance, for he could crush you in a moment-- but because now he sees Christ the Conqueror-- your victorious King-- standing beside his trusting child, and all hell is utterly powerless before Him.


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petitefleuriste:

Thank You Lord, for not answering any of my ignorant prayers.

He does answer them, though.

Not a single prayer goes unheard or unanswered. God does not snub us, even in our ignorance. He loves us enough to always respond with compassion.

He says “No, my beloved child, I cannot give you that. You do not understand what you are asking. But I do. You beg for stones that sparkle but do not satisfy. Instead, I will give you bread. I will give you what is far better, far sweeter, far more beautiful than anything you are even able to ask for right now. Trust Me in this refusal. It is a redirection. I will give you exactly what your yearning soul needs.”


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Sigrid Blomberg, The Annunciation, 1899

This is gorgeous.

I adore the position of her hands-- she is essentially exposing her heart to God. She has "removed the veil" for the Lord to enter her inmost sanctuary, and for Her to also enter into such intimacy with Him; God's Presence shall now dwell in Her as His Tabernacle, and take on His own "veil" of humanity there (Hebrews 10:20). Long before the Crucifixion occurred in time, the Body of Christ-- the "veil" through which we enter God's Presence-- opened that sacred door to and through Mary, His Mother, from whom His very Body and Blood would be born. She is the "Portal of the Sky"; the first gateway from heaven to earth.

And her face... what total trust, what peace, what ecstasy, what love for God! This is the moment she says 'YES' to the divine Incarnation, the moment that changed human history forever. There is something utterly timeless in her expression; something eternal in that serene bliss. That, too, is a glimpse of Heaven.

Her left foot is uncovered. I think of Exodus 3:5 and Isaiah 52:7-- where she kneels is holy ground, she who is to there become the Bringer of the Good News. It may also be a play on words... she has "bared her soul/sole" before God. Lastly, if I may be so symbolic... In Hebraic thought, the right represents the spiritual and the left represents the physical. In my thoughts here, for her left foot to be uncovered-- even unveiled-- speaks of humility and humanity, of what is spiritual becoming physical; of God Himself gaining feet so as to walk with us, to become so shockingly human. God Himself will trod the earth, will be the Good News, will take on our dust without becoming it-- will turn that dust to gold. And Mary's foot is there, pure and naked, crushing the serpent's head forever.

I have a lot of feelings about this artwork; it truly touches my heart. God bless the sculptor; may her soul rest in peace.

Mary, Mother of Christ, Handmaiden of God, pray for us your children, those your Son was born to save. We love you.


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lauramakabresku:

Shelter

There are not only sparrows at His feet, but also a woodpecker, and both are tenderly touching His Wounded Feet with their tiny beaks. How they worship in their own small ways! How profound and pure is that worship! The bird that eats from holes it bores into trees, now finds food everlasting in the nail-holes from the Tree of the Cross. The bird that is deemed the least of all, offered as a poor man’s sacrifice, finds an understanding Heart through proof of Blood spilled to redeem the most impoverished and despised souls.

The Lamb embraces a lamb, innocent and unblemished, despite the single red stain on its hip joint– the sciatic nerve, which allows the body to stand upright; the place touched by an angel, a touch that both wounds the body and heals the soul. There, this little lamb is a testament to both the weakness of creation and the power of God– blessed by a curse, purified by what was thought to be impure, given life through death, and triumph through defeat. It carries blemish to the eyes of man but in the eyes of God it is faultless. So is the Lamb. And so are we, if, although we wrestle sorely with His Cross we refuse to let go, for God alone is victorious, and in surrendering to His glory in our defeat we are given a new name, a new purpose, a new life, yet carrying the scars as He did. Grace is given, not won, and it is only when we are humbled by the Lord that He can lift us up in truth. We are blessed with Blood, clothed in spotless white, yet always holding that salvific red, the holy humiliation that kills all perfect pride.

Christ holds us all in His caring embrace, and yet those very Hands and Feet speak of the suffering He endured through the same motive. It was for Love that He died; it was through Love that He rose again. His wounds sing of that Love always, and invite us into His very self– the Source of all Sweetness, the Tree of Eternal Life, the One Who kisses the fragile head of every sparrow. When they fall, He picks them up tenderly; when they die, He weeps. So He does with us. What holy pain unbearable, to see our sinful agony! How much more would He tend for our broken bodies if He so loves the sparrows– indeed, He was moved to destroy death itself. Thus it was that Christ died in our place… He let Himself be pierced through, falling to the ground, so that by the power of His healing grace, every tiny soul can fly again.

In His Wounds, the weary soul finds perfect rest. In His Heart, all find a home.

The animals recognize the Love in His Wounds and they adore. Through the Holy Spirit, the tiny bird singing in our hearts even now, let us do the same.



Don't leave me alone, a fugitive. I want your hands
To carry my heart. I long for the bread of your voice,
I long for everything. I long for myself... I long for you.


Mahmoud Darwish, Give Birth to Me Again That I May Know (tr. Abdullah al-Udhari)
 

 
 

Praying love poems to Jesus...

I think I've prayed the exact soul of this poem so many times, especially when my packed schedule keeps me from attending Mass, or when I am slumped against a doorframe at 3am.

Don't abandon me to this isolating darkness. Carry my heart when it is so heavy with blood, saturated with tears. Let me recieve You-- let me hear Your Word, let me touch You, taste You, be with You.

I long for everything. I can only exist within You.

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Sometimes you really do need to get dreadfully lost in order to find what is of true meaning in life. The false "world" we are tangled in, the daily grind of man-made society-- out at sea, does it matter? No. Then what does? What persists, but what is untouched by man-- what exists despite human plans? Out in the waves, who are you? What speaks in your mind, your heart, your soul? That is the most important. Out there, it is just you, and God.

Matthew 14:25. Perhaps we're not the ones doing the finding. Perhaps we need to lose "everything" to be found by Everything.


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There is something about sunsets over the sea that pulls at my heart. They’re so different than my familiar mountain sunsets– brighter, clearer, wider somehow. They feel like the closing credits of a movie, full of joyful promise of the future unseen, but aching bittersweet with the fact of an ending. Perhaps its the water, the ocean infinite, reflecting the glowing sky into greater endless light. But it’s beautiful. It is the paradoxical comfort of feeling at home on the open waves– a sense of deep reassurance despite having nowhere to call your own… nowhere but the sea, the sky.

All those boats. All those little travels. And those cats, wanderers at heart. How lovely, how tender it all is.

I think about how Christ lived in a little fishing village, too. He watched these sunsets with joy untold– He, Who sang them into existence before any human drew breath.

I wonder if the sunsets remember that every evening.



Just step outdoors, see the light on the hills, the stars at night-- that's enough.

-Anaïs Nin, from “The diary of Anaïs Nin, vol. 3: 1939-1944”

 

 

The fragile and grandiose beauty of this… it makes me weep.

Just… it’s enough. Lift up your eyes, lift up your hope. Breathe it in. Whatever wound is tormenting your poor heart tonight, it can be soothed, it can be hummed to sleep by the loving stars, by the light, by the gentle and ancient hills.

God is there in it all, the soul knows. We feel the brush of His fingertips in the night breeze. It is enough. It is, forever, enough.

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Deep in our hearts we all were made for this blessed freedom-- for the open sky, the endless road, the rolling hills, the calling sea. All of our most beloved clichés exist because they speak to an intrinsic longing, a global truth, a sort of mutual human need for something greater than the daily grind. We know in our bones that the world spins on regardless of our little schemes, our businesses and finances and societies and cities. It's all temporary, unreal at best, serving a fleeting purpose then returning to conceptual dust. But the green of springtime endures. The blue of the heavens endures. And as long as the beat of our hearts endures as well, they will never stop reaching out to us, waiting for us to reach back, calling us home.

God knit all things together in love, in harmony, in beautiful cooperation. We are meant to live in Creation with every enthusiastic ounce of joy it elicits from our soul. We are meant to share in the absolute Divine bliss that shaped cosmos out of chaos and fashioned atoms into apple trees and alligators and Adam himself. We are meant to recognize and embrace and embody the Love that breathed us into individual being, and to give thanks with every breath, and to love every other blessed thing on earth in return. God is love, and in the end and in the beginning, that's all we ever really want, all we ever really look for in life, all we ever really need.

It is in that Love that we find our freedom, and we feel it with a heart-aching conviction every once in a blessed while, under the sky, with grass beneath bare feet.

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I just love people so much, honestly I do; every soul is infinitely precious and loved by God and really, you can't help but love every soul in gracious resonance with that.

Sitting in airports, heart bursting with affection for everyone who walks by, traversing that bittersweetly beautiful interspace between each personal story of here and there... driving home at night and getting indigo-hued glimpses into sweet simple life through lamplit windows... striking up tiny yet treasured conversations with passerby folks in grocery stores and doctors offices and churches, the temporalily shared lives of strangers intersecting for an unexpectedly intimate minute... all of this and so much more.

It's beautiful. People are beautiful. God loves us, loves them, loves you. Love people for God's sake. We're all priceless fragile things.

Our bodies are indeed temples of God. So remember that when you meet another soul. Everyday life is holy because of this. Love God through love of neighbor. Little moments comprise our lives. Make every one a prayer.



“The black sky was underpinned with long silver streaks that looked like scaffolding and depth on depth behind it were thousands of stars that all seemed to be moving very slowly as if they were about some vast construction work that involved the whole order of the universe and would take all time to complete. No one was paying any attention to the sky.”

Wise Blood Flannery O'Connor
 

 

This both breaks my heart and moves me to tears. Just… this is every moment of our lives, do you realize that? God is perpetually working and moving in His Creation and the sky is always a gorgeous construction of infinite delicate complexity and how often do we really pay attention to it? All of this holy grandeur and we don’t even notice. It’s a Divine Love song that’s always being sung and we don’t even hear it. It’s heartbreaking and yet, it’s such an unbearably beautiful truth– for when we do finally take notice, we are staggered by the thought: how long have I been ignorant of this? How much sky have I failed to pay attention to?

But it’s there nevertheless. No one is looking but it exists in magnificent mystery nevertheless. God is looking and singing and loving and that is enough. And there’s something profoundly hopeful about that: to know that our failures cannot damage or diminish that glory in the slightest. But at the same time, God waits for it to be noticed. He waits, with a similar sorrowful joy, for His creations to notice… and, by finally looking and listening, join in His eternal love song.


Every life leaves an impression. We are God’s fingerprints.

-Noah benShea

 

Thinking deeply about this. “Christ has no body now but yours, no hands but yours…” God continues to tangibly touch our lives through other lives. We’re all His children; we all exist because of Him, for Him, through Him. So when we touch another life, God inevitably touches them through us, however faintly. But are you letting His fingerprints be felt? Or are your own hands too dirty? What impression are you leaving– the pure love of the Father, or the sin-stained fumbling of your own mortality? How much do your own hands get in the way of His? Reflect on this.

 

sunflorally: repeat after me: my body is not wrong, or ugly, or too thin, or too big, or too pale, or too dark. it is the vessel of a precious life and that is always more than enough.

 

The very words “my body” still feel ugly and sick and wrong. The very concept of “my” is still poisoned with a deeply hidden, lingering self-loathing, injected by the abusive nightmares that made the word “body” sound like a torture chamber. The two words together are still so terrifying they make my emotions shut right down, unable to cope with what would surface otherwise.

It shocks me that, despite all the healing I have done and am still actively doing, this ancient horror still hasn’t faded. The wound won’t close, let alone scab or scar. I know I still believe the trauma lies somewhere and until I don’t, I’ll keep bleeding. But it’s very hard. Nevertheless, I know it must be done.

…The other thing that struck me about this is the phrase, “a precious life.” Me? My life is precious? It sounds utterly impossible, incredible, ridiculous. I can’t take it seriously; the very concept is beyond respect. My life is not precious… except, I’m a Catholic. And if there’s one thing I find super hard to believe, it’s the FACT that Jesus Christ has declared my wretched stupid life to be so precious that He chose to DIE a bloody death in order to save it from destruction. That’s a FACT that I cannot dispute. I can only look at it in helpless sobbing confused frustrated wonder, my bitter self-hatred faltering in the shadow of the Cross. It’s the only place I can learn how to love. It’s the only place I can learn how to finally accept that my life is, bewilderingly, actually precious… that my cursed “body” is also something Christ wants to bless and save and heal… that the possibility of both those profound changes in mindset are not only possible but already achieved in Him.

Yes, I’m still mentally sick in a lot of ways. I will shamefully admit that. But Jesus came into this world to heal sick souls like me, and if I have faith in that truth with all my heart, then I have a hope that cannot fail. And I’ll hold on to that, and keep re-reading this little message, until I believe its simple but pure truth, too.


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"God will not numb your feelings or put you to sleep"-- how did I never realize that truth before?? When I am tempted by self-loathing to just give up and fall into that abyss, when I just want to rip my arms and legs and stomach wide open red, can I just... wait? Can I choose that terrifically difficult yet powerful virtue of faith instead? Can I choose hope? Can I choose patience, and gentleness, and longsuffering?

Can I rest in the knowledge that God is greater, that God is still Good, that He is forever victorious over every sin and struggle? Can I acknowledge that peace and rest in it? Can I surrender that totally? Can I beg for mercy from Mercy Himself instead of mercilessly attacking myself? Can I ignore the screaming rage of my head and instead sit in total silence before Him?

Yes, by His Grace, I can. And I must, or my poor soul will die.

Return to Christ. He will not abandon you. I need to remember that... I need to believe that. God is not like people. Jesus will not hurt me. Jesus will not suddenly decide that I'm not worth loving anymore. Jesus does not have a cold shoulder or a hard heart. Jesus loves me and forgives me and wants me to be healed and He is waiting for me. God is Love and that cannot change, no matter how evil I fear I am, no matter how badly I feel I deserve to die. God still wants to defeat those devils and bring me home.

Just wait for Him. Even if it takes time. God hears. God knows. God is working for you right now, and He is on His way. Wait for Him. He will be here, at the perfect time.

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That single duck is what hits me about this. It’s just living, just swimming in total innocent simplicity, beneath this absolute breathtaking grandeur of snow and trees and soaring mountains.

And then there’s that tiny home, nestled in the frozen pines, built by the hands of a human who was almost definitely deeply humbled at the sight of that same natural majesty.

We have been blessed with the intelligence to feel awe, to contemplate our smallness, to be struck to the heart by beauty such as this. The duck may be blessed to live effortlessly beside it, but it cannot appreciate it as we can, we who may only get to see it in photos, and who seek and treasure such glimpses with joy.

The world is beautiful. Always take the time to truly see it, and so sincerely thank God for both it, and your blessed eyes.


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Choose your own adventure, they say. Yet I never felt I had a choice, in the way the pathway of my life progressed. Little did I realize there is always a choice, even if the options are miserable, even if hope is minimal, even if the choosing itself is uninformed and rushed and afraid and instinctive. There’s still choice.

And, well, now that I am aware of this, then I choose this. I choose recovery, I choose healing, I choose joy and light and life and hope and love. Wherever I find it, wherever I can follow its sunlit footsteps, I shall do so. I will make those tiny choices and they will add up into a march of blazing beauty that will utterly overcome every shadow that haunted my past.

The terror may be ancient, but it is still just a shade. This too shall pass, no exceptions. Love is the only truth and if it’s not love then it’s going to melt into dust and be forgotten in the waves of compassionate bliss that the universe itself radiates with every heartbeat, on and on and on. I will step into that sea of hope, I will wade into the depths of tenderness, I will walk into the very ocean with a smile on my face and let it wash away everything that held me shackled far from shore.

God’s got me in His hands. He’s calling me home. Our Lady has crushed the snake beneath her heel and Our Lord has proclaimed Himself to be the Omega as well as the Alpha and no matter what came before, this is the turning of the page, this is the renewal of my soul, this is unconditional love and eternal hope proclaiming “It Is Finished” to the sins of the past, and all the trauma and horror they brought. God hung all of those on a tree and opened the garden gate to a new life that we could never have imagined before.

I choose that. I choose love. I choose the ending, and I embrace the beginning again. I choose to come home.



"Do we not try to find good, tangible security in observances, in the reassuring feeling that, thanks to our fidelity, everything is in order in our relationship with the Lord? And when Jesus asks us one day to count on him alone, without telling us in advance what he is going to ask of us, and without explaining to us where he wants us to go, we tremble." (A Carthusian)


This hits hard. To rely so completely on the faithfulness of Christ that you no longer need "tangible proofs" to believe in His trustworthiness... that is walking by faith, not by sight-- that is the true road of the Cross. But it's a step into darkness, and that frightens us-- at least, unless we remember that we are following the Light Himself.

God is never obligated to reveal His ways or plans to us. He owes us no clarification, no explanation. Humility accepts this. Humility makes us recognize our unworthiness to know such divine things, let alone demand them. God doesn't have to tell us anything. But He does. He does comfort and guide and reassure us; He knows our weakness and He soothes us, leads us with the utmost tenderness, His little children. But children grow. And the day will come when He will suddenly step back, tell us to do something, and leave it at that. No explanation. No preparation. No understanding on our part. Will we still trust in Him, then? Will we remember how trustworthy and faithful He has always been, going forwards now with no immediate or tangible reminder of it? Will we surrender to our love for Him and walk with blindfold on, with road shrouded in fog, with shadows setting in? Will we step forward in faith alone, believing with all our heart that Our Savior will never lead us astray? That He will never abandon us, even if the new journey is long and cold and lonely? Will we hold on to faith?

It will happen. It will frighten us, as humans, as children. Deep down, we are afraid of the unknown. We are scared of the dark. But remember, dear hearts, remember that He is trustworthy and He knows where and why you are going. You can count on Him. You can count on Jesus even when, and especially when, there is no one and nothing else to rely on.

Have faith. Even if it's only a mustard seed. Plant it in love, and wait. It will grow in God's time, even if you can't see or sense anything until suddenly... it sprouts. It dies in the dark, to live in the light. So shall you.

Have faith in God, Who is real and trustworthy. Have hope in His faithfulness when we can't see it yet. Have love for God, Who IS Love, Who loves you endlessly, and Who will strengthen you for all that He leads you to... and through.

Plant faith, and trust Him, and do whatever He tells you.

 

godmechanic:

actually a little embarrassing how well the “omg surprise psalm today!” thing works

Oh man I have wept at how relevant the Compline psalms are some nights. It’s unreal.

I have the Universalis app, which I love, as it allows me to play the audio for each hour, which is indispensable when I have severe brain fog and/or poor cognition and cannot read. I always listen to Lauds & the Office of Readings as I start my day schedule, and the “surprise” at what Psalms I will hear then (and in the other variant places in the Office) is both a source of deeply interested joy, and of unfailingly edifying application to my life. God just… knows, man. Even though millions of folks are praying the exact same words, they are specially & specifically significant to each soul. It’s wonderful, even when it’s convicting. God loves us in all circumstances.

It’s not embarrassing, love; it’s genuinely heartwarming to hear that you have such experiences with it too.


 

godmechanic:

we like to forget how hard psalm 42 hits. but i am just here to remind everybody that it hits

fellas is your soul is athirst for God? athirst for the living God? have your tears have been your meat day and night? do you wonder why your soul is so full of heaviness and disquieted within you? boy do i have a psalm for you

Psalm 42 legitimately saved my life a decade ago. It’s been burned into the fibers of my heart since then. It is a beautiful, aching Psalm, a raw and sincere prayer wrenched from the very core. I love it dearly and pray it frequently; it never fails to bring tears to my eyes.


To justify my neighbor’s suffering is a scandal. “My neighbor’s suffering is beyond justification; it is, in a word, meaningless.” Referring to Levinas, Batnitzky writes, “The Jewish tradition often maintains a difficult balancing act when it affirms both the theological and ethical value of suffering for others, while denying the necessity of suffering itself.” One cannot justify suffering. Thus an end to all theodicy, and “to all attempts, theological or otherwise, to justify suffering.”

Michael Purcell, “When God Hides His Face: The Inexperience of God”, The Experience of God: A Postmodern Response, ed. Kevin Hart and Barbara E. Wall
 

(Disclaimer: I am a Catholic, and so my reflection on this is within that context. I give all grateful respect to the Jewish perspective here, as it is the notable inspiration for my response.)

This hits me where it hurts. I’ve been raised to always justify suffering, which ultimately hardens one’s heart and makes one’s hands cold– if you believe that suffering is “deserved,” you smother compassion, and do nothing to relieve that suffering. Instead you say, “it builds character,” or “you’ll learn and grow from this,” or “well you must’ve brought this on yourself,” or just “offer it up,” without making a move to comfort them or care for them or remove the suffering altogether. Yes, suffering can teach, it can help us grow in virtue, it can have redemptive merit, but not inherently. Suffering in and of itself is just suffering. It’s the result of a fallen human nature and the inevitable consequences of sin=death, but sin is unnatural and suffering is therefore unnecessary. Yet it persists, in this life. Yes, this life is not all there is, but that shouldn’t cause complacency!! We can either sit there and shrug at people’s pain, or we can stand up and refuse to let it have its way. We can fight it. We should fight it. I say this because God fights it too.

God mandates compassion. God insists we care for our fellow man and relieve their suffering. As a Christian, I think of how Jesus healed so many who were ill, how he told parables of radical love, how He never said “you get what you deserve” to a suffering soul. No. Christ came to us as a healer, as a lover, as an instrument of mercy, Who literally died on a Cross that He could never deserve in order to destroy ALL human judgment of anyone “deserving” suffering like that. He took it all. Yes, all have sinned, and so suffering exists through sin, but God alone judges, and if I may be so bold, I say that HE deems suffering as absolutely unnecessary too. Sin is unnatural, remember? He didn’t create it! He doesn’t want it! He “takes no pleasure in the death of the wicked man” (Ezekiel 18:33 & 23:11)! He wants us to have life, abundant life, in direct opposition to sin’s destructiveness (John 10:10). So Christ took every “deserved” pain onto Himself and now we must act on that grace of mercy. No one has to die or be destroyed. No one “deserves to die.” He sure didn’t. But He did die, taking the place of everyone who was ever judged as deserving it, so now we can never speak those words about anyone.

Take up your cross, yes, because suffering is inevitable in this life, but carry it knowing that through uniting it to Christ’s love, it now holds the weight of the sins of the world. When we bear our own crosses, we don’t abandon others to theirs! We’re not in this alone; Christ didn’t carry His “own” in the first place! He carried ours, so now we carry everyone’s crosses together. We are Simon and Veronica and Magdalene and Mary and Christ to each other. We live in hope of eternal life, where all pain ceases, and so until then, we reflect that hope to others as often as we can– we must manifest it. How can you hope for what you cannot comprehend? How can you yearn for relief if you don’t know it’s a possibility? We must give that hope and sustain it. We must make hope real, through real love, and real faith. Only then is suffering bearable– only then does our awareness of its meaninglessness become a strange sort of joy. Yes, it’s unnecessary. But therefore, it’s not forever, and until then, there are people acting as angels to make that truth absolutely tangible.

I hope this makes sense; it’s hard to put into proper words. But it struck me to the heart, that quote, especially as my life is saturated with suffering right now and my old ugly instinct is to just say “it’s deserved; let it be”. No. That is not God’s way. God hears the cry of the poor and lame and sick and sorrowful and hungry and frightened and lost, and when God hears HE ACTS. That is how we must live, or we are not His children. That is what we must do, or we are not disciples of Christ. We must bind up the broken, bandage the wounded, wipe away the blood and sweat and tears and spit and everything else. Compassionate works must be our only response to suffering. I don’t care what they’ve done. That’s not my concern. My job is to love.

Suffering is unnecessary, because we’ve been commanded to heal it.



"We will recognize that, whether we like it or not, what happens happens; to be upset about it is useless, and moreover deprives us of the crown of patience and shows us to be in revolt against the will of God."
- Saint Peter of Damaskos

This is a powerful truth. If we do not perpetually pray, "Thy Will be done," we will instead seek our own will, which is stunted by ignorance and corrupted by passions. Resistance to our God-given circumstances, because they don't match our plans or hopes or wants or dreams or expectations, is at its deepest root a rebellion-- however small, it is still ultimately fatal-- against God's authority and wisdom. Patience is a fruit of love, and love always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. When we love God, we have the courage to say, "May it be done to me according to Your word," and whatever "it" is, we embrace it as coming from His heart out of love for us. To reject that ultimate divine motivation is to blind ourselves to the blessings He constantly showers upon us, especially in the paradox of the Cross: "The message of the cross is foolish to those who are headed for destruction! But we who are being saved know it is the very power of God." (1 Corinthians 4:18) It is only through Christ's loving obedience in submitting patiently to the Cross that He was able to win our salvation; we must follow Him in that exact respect to obtain that new and eternal life. Such radical surrender to God's will in all circumstances-- that absolute relinquishment of control and even understanding-- is madness to those who live for this world alone. They have no hope of eternal joy with God, and therefore no reason to patiently endure suffering, let alone choose it for the sake of Christ. But we do, whether we "like it or not", because we're not motivated by "like", only love. And love counts it all as joy.

Some further illustrations from Scripture:

"We must not put Christ to the test... nor grumble, as some of them did and were destroyed by the Destroyer... No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it." (1 Corinthians 10:9-10, 13)

"...We rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us." (Romans 5:3-5)

"The mind of the flesh is death, but the mind of the Spirit is life and peace, because the mind of the flesh is hostile to God: It does not submit to God’s law, nor can it do so. Those controlled by the flesh cannot please God." (Romans 8:6-8)

"I want to know Christ—yes, to know the power of His resurrection and participation in His sufferings, becoming like Him in His death, and so, somehow, attaining to the resurrection from the dead... [but] many live as enemies of the cross of Christ. Their destiny is destruction, their god is their stomach, and their glory is in their shame. Their mind is set on earthly things. But our citizenship is in heaven." (Philippians 3:10-11, 18-20)

"Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you." (James 4:7-8)

"...You do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that.”" (James 4:14-15)

"And He said to all, “If anyone would come after Me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow Me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will save it." (Luke 9:23-24)

"For I have come down from heaven, not to do my own will but the will of Him who sent me." (John 6:38)

"Since therefore Christ suffered in the flesh, arm yourselves with the same way of thinking, for whoever has suffered in the flesh has ceased from sin, so as to live for the rest of the time in the flesh no longer for human passions but for the will of God... The end of all things is at hand; therefore be self-controlled and sober-minded for the sake of your prayers. " (1 Peter 4:1-3, 7)

"And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. " (Romans 8:28)

"Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. Do not quench the Spirit." (1 Corinthians 5:16-19)

"Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles of any kind come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing... God blesses those who patiently endure testing and temptation. Afterward they will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love Him." (James 1:1-4, 12)

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A personal expositional summary of how this slammed into me:

“…God shouts to [you] in [your] pain [as] it insists on being [heard and] attended to. [This is because pain is sanctified in the life of a faithful Christian, playing a great purpose: every instance of your suffering] fits into a pattern for good, [as God is using it to confirm you to the image of] His Son. [Therefore, take courage and know that] nothing [painful] can come into your life without your Heavenly Father’s permission, [and when] God uses [your] circumstances, their source makes no difference to Him; [their instigator, be it human or spirit,] is irrelevant. [In every distressing circumstance, without exception,] God [says,] "I will make it fit into My Plan for your life, to make you like [my Son,] Jesus Christ.” [Remember that] God used the challenges, conflicts, and circumstances of life to prepare His Son for His destiny, [so since you are a disciple of His Son, He will] do the same in [your life, towards the same blessed end. If you remember this in your fear, then] instead of trying to escape your circumstances, [you can courageously] learn from them and [so] grow stronger [in faith by more closely imitating Christ].“

This is powerfully applicable to my own current circumstances. Thank you OP, and may God bless you. 🙏


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Honestly this is a vital reminder, especially for Lent. Repentance is repeatedly mandated by Christ, yes, but it is no heavy burden-- rather, it removes those weights from our hearts! The idea of being "ordered to do something objectively beneficial" may seem totally foreign to many of us Catholics, who are used to the negative "Thou Shalt Not's" that are probably haunting us during these 40 days. But repentance is wholly good for us. It, and those commandments it encompasses, only sound scary because they sharply bring to mind all the ways in which we've failed to avoid sin. But at their very core, they are meant to heal and help us.

Nevertheless, yes, it might absolutely be terrifying to examine one's conscience, just like preparing to clean out a coal cellar for the first time in years-- the amount of filth facing you may be overwhelming. But here's the thing... you don't have to clean it. You just have to point out that dirt to Jesus, specifically and honestly, and He will immediately and absolutely purify even the most rotten corners of your soul. For free. As often as you need.

Can you imagine, calling a plumber to drain your flooded basement and unclog the festering pipes, but not an hour after he leaves, you stuff them full of garbage again? And you call him back in a panic in the middle of the night? And he comes right over and fixes it all again? With a genuine smile? And doesn't charge anything? And this happens at least once a week, if not every day?

That's the staggering magnitude of forgiveness God offers to every repentant soul. That's the Sacrament of Confession!

We forget that we can repent whenever. Literally whenever, wherever, whoever you are, whatever you've done. Yet we are afraid to call the plumber even though we already did 458 times and not once has He ever complained or hung up. We are afraid He's going to lose His temper and charge us a fortune or leave us helpless with dammed-up pipes and sewage up to our waist... we're terrified of hearing "why??" or "how??" because our shame would choke and drown us more than all the black water in the world ever could.

But it has never happened, and it will never happen, so why don't you pick up the phone and give Him a call?


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Anonymous asked,
I always wonder why god made dinosaurs and if they had a relationship to god or if animals feel god’s presence.. what do you think?

iscariotapologist:

i think god probably made dinosaurs because they were sick as hell. actually though i’m not really aware of any dinosaur….theology? theology about dinosaurs? although i would CERTAINLY like to be. i do think there are relationships between god and animals, although they are necessarily going to be different than ours.
 


I always like to think about how the first two kinds of creatures God created in Genesis are birds & fish. Birds are the avian descendants of dinosaurs, and they are technically reptiles. Genesis’s “birds” could very well be referring to dinosaurs, in that roundabout respect. Plus, jawless fish were the first vertebrates to evolve, period. So the timeframe is accurate! (Mammals showed up a day later, haha.)

I was actually just thinking today about God’s relationship to animals. While they do not have a “living soul” like a human does (Gen 1:26; 2:7), they still have life and consciousness, which are from God. I believe that, by simple virtue of existence, every created thing yearns for God and can feel Him on some level. Only humans can know God, but I hope it’s theologically legitimate to say that nevertheless animals can still sense Him.

Scripture itself references animals “sensing God” notably in Ezekiel 38:20, implies it in Psalm 145:21, and of course we have Balaam’s dear donkey in Numbers 22. If we want to stretch the interpretation, we have even the donkeys that carried Jesus Himself in Matthew 21, and the one(s?) that carried the Holy Family to and from Bethlehem when they were fleeing Herod in Matthew 2… Noah’s dove, Elijah’s ravens, Jonah’s whale, Daniel’s lions… God works through animals a lot, so they must be spiritually receptive to Him, if they are so readily responsive to His influence. (God help us to be so obedient, too!)

Furthermore, there are so many common stories of both little children and animals apparently perceiving and reacting to ‘presences’ unseen by adults, potentially angels, for all we know– plus we must include all the Christian folktales of donkeys and lambs and even spiders at the Manger, all recognizing and adoring the Christ Child. Blessed Anne Catherine Emmerich even speaks of “gladness throughout all nature,” with the animals being “joyfully agitated” at both Christ’s birth and Mary’s birth. We have Saint Roche’s dog, Saint Columba’s horse, Saint Jerome’s lion, Saint Ciaran’s boar, Saint Francis’s wolf… and my arguable favorite, Saint Anthony’s mule. Just as animals fear those with malicious hearts, they respect and befriend those with loving hearts– and since God is love, I think there’s definitely something to that, in its utter simplicity. I don’t know what exactly they feel, but… they do. They know, in their own way.

I apologize for the huge response but this is a topic that’s actually quite dear to my heart, and I was moved to offer my thoughts on it, may they glorify God.

But yes, I daresay dinosaurs are objectively super cool. God has the best imagination, after all!

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lauramakabresku
:

Birds listening to God’s pulse

The heartbeat of God is music so beautiful, so rapturous, that even the very songbirds cannot help but hear its sweetness in silent awe.

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traumacatholic:

My favourite thing about the ‘Psalter and Rosary of the Virgin (from f. 27), in two versions, and other devotional texts, including a litany’ is that there’s just many pages dedicated to drops of blood. (x, x)

From the source:

“…The text begins with three pages, each painted black, on which large drops of blood trickle down. The third page has been thoroughly worn, which may be the result of kissing; part of it has been rubbed and smudged rather than merely kissed…”

That is the devotion that defines a Christian. Thanks be to God that this beautiful testament to such heartfelt adoration still exists for our edification. May the love proven through these prayerfully-kissed pages inflame our own hearts with ardor to do the same!

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When you are in pain, and frightened because you don't know what's wrong, remember that God knows what is wrong, and even if He currently withholds the answers you seek, He is with you in love. His timing and wisdom are still trustworthy. Rest in His knowledge, in solid hope, for He holds your entire situation in His caring hands. You are not lost or forgotten.

I pray that He does give you answers soon, and that until then, He comforts you in your pain, and alleviates as much of it as He wills. May He grant you deepest peace and healing! 🙏

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We all have needs that can only be met by God. That is such a key truth of life that is frequently forgotten.

And those needs aren’t strictly spiritual, either! My life crises as of late have proven to me, quite strikingly, that I have an awful amount of physical needs that I cannot meet on my own– only God can. I am helpless; He is all-powerful. I am foolish and frightened; He is Wisdom and Peace Himself. I am wracked by misery; He soothes me with mercy. I feel abandoned and alone… He loves me to all eternity. Deep down, those are my truest needs; GOD Himself is What I need to thrive. My survival needs will be met as He sees fit, if I trust Him to meet them– because, again, I cannot, and desperately trying to do so anyway will (and does) only make me more distraught and drive me to despair. However, prayerfully placing all my hopes in God, surrendering my life into His hands, and doing what I can without worrying about MY success but HIS… that gets me through. God’s Love never fails.

God knows I need this body to survive in order to serve Him here, and He will ensure that. He’s not ignorant; He “knows I am but dust.” But I am His dust, destined for redemption by the grace of Christ, and that truth is enough refuge for any new crisis. Even if I do die, it’s on His timing; and– have mercy on me a sinner– after the storms of life are over, I have an eternity in His arms to look forward to. Until then, I must live with my entire life geared towards that. “Seek ye first the Kingdom of God.” That’s what Jesus means. God will provide the needs of your journey to Him, but stay on the journey! The ultimate goal is of ultimate importance; no matter how short or difficult our journey is, it will end one day, and then it won’t matter how tough things were prior. So trust. Don’t worry. God’s got this; God’s got you.

If you are in need today, any need– poor health, emotional distress, financial fears, physical pain, future panic, anything– remember that you don’t have the ability to solve those massive problems and that is both okay and intentional. NO human can do so… because GOD CAN, and He loves us so much He wants you to ask Him for help. Like an adoring Father cares for His children, He must let us try & learn on our own in order to grow, but when we stumble and cry out, He is always there to pick us up and help us to do what we cannot do alone.

And maturing in spirit isn’t about learning to do those things alone. Spiritally, we are always going to be God’s children. We’re little! We’re weak and ignorant and helpless, like a baby is… but babies are meant to be helped and loved and cherished and if we– if only through failed struggles– admit that we are just children, God will care for us as such… otherwise we’re trying too hard to be “grown up” in ways we cannot force, and we push our Father away through proud striving and/or shame. Don’t do that. Ask Him for help. Be simple and pure of heart.

There are things we will always need God’s help for, and when you put that in the proper perspective it is an absolute joy. God is our greatest need, our ultimate goal, our Protector in every trial, and our Provider in every situation. Even when we suffer, it’s under His watchful and compassionate Eye– “a Father disciplines those He loves.” Doesn’t suffering give you a unique opportunity to cling closer than ever to Him? Doesn’t it give you “strength training” for patience, trust, hope, perseverance, courage, surrender, faith? Doesn’t it give you a testing-fire to prove the power of grace in you? Yes it is hard to be gentle, kind, joyful, temperate, meek, and even loving when we are in the throes of suffering, but it’s only hard because we’re focusing so much on the suffering, and not on God, Who gives us the grace TO embody those virtues of His! I can attest to this firsthand. Fix your focus on God. Trust in His Power to save, against all odds, despite all confusion, especially if you can’t see or imagine a way out. He can, and He will. Look at your life! Hasn’t He already brought you safely in soul to this very moment? He has never once failed you. He is utterly faithful, worthy of all our trust, and that will never change.

Today, place your trust in your Father anew. Go to Him with all your aches of heart, and put them into His open hands. Ask Him for help… then rest. Rest, dear child. God will take care of you. You will never, ever have to struggle alone. He will meet your daily needs when you cannot; He doesn’t expect or want you to try otherwise. God will provide for you and the sparrows both.

Just remember… in Him, your deepest needs are already fulfilled. And that is how we thrive.



Anonymous asked,
I just sent [you a donation]
-an atheist who doesn’t want anyone to suffer the way it sounds like you’re suffering

 

I must still say “God bless you,” in my honest gratitude for your sincere charity. The sentiment holds true, even though our beliefs differ– I hope the highest good for you, in return for your interest in mine… and I firmly believe that my God can, will, and does do that for any compassionate soul, whether or not they share my religion. You’re human; by virtue of that fact alone, you are included in that divine care.

More generally: thank you for your generous kindness. Humanity is truly illuminated by our capacity to love; in this little testament to it, you have lit up my life a little more. 🙏


I arise today
Through a mighty strength, the invocation of the Trinity, 
Through a belief in the Threeness, 
Through confession of the Oneness 
Of the Creator of creation.

I arise today 
Through the strength of Christ's birth and His baptism, 
Through the strength of His crucifixion and His burial, 
Through the strength of His resurrection and His ascension, 
Through the strength of His descent for the judgment of doom.

I arise today
Through the strength of the love of cherubim, 
In obedience of angels, 
In service of archangels, 
In the hope of resurrection to meet with reward, 
In the prayers of patriarchs, 
In preachings of the apostles, 
In faiths of confessors, 
In innocence of virgins, 
In deeds of righteous men.

I arise today
Through the strength of heaven; 
Light of the sun, 
Splendor of fire, 
Speed of lightning, 
Swiftness of the wind, 
Depth of the sea, 
Stability of the earth, 
Firmness of the rock.

I arise today
Through God's strength to pilot me; 
God's might to uphold me, 
God's wisdom to guide me, 
God's eye to look before me, 
God's ear to hear me, 
God's word to speak for me, 
God's hand to guard me, 
God's way to lie before me, 
God's shield to protect me, 
God's hosts to save me 
From snares of the devil, 
From temptations of vices, 
From every one who desires me ill, 
Afar and anear, 
Alone or in a mulitude.

I summon today all these powers between me and evil, 
Against every cruel merciless power that opposes my body and soul, 
Against incantations of false prophets, 
Against black laws of pagandom, 
Against false laws of heretics, 
Against craft of idolatry, 
Against spells of women and smiths and wizards, 
Against every knowledge that corrupts man's body and soul. 
Christ shield me today 
Against poison, against burning, 
Against drowning, against wounding, 
So that reward may come to me in abundance.

Christ with me, Christ before me, Christ behind me, 
Christ in me, Christ beneath me, Christ above me, 
Christ on my right, Christ on my left, 
Christ when I lie down, Christ when I sit down, 
Christ in the heart of every man who thinks of me, 
Christ in the mouth of every man who speaks of me, 
Christ in the eye that sees me, 
Christ in the ear that hears me.

I arise today
Through a mighty strength, the invocation of the Trinity, 
Through a belief in the Threeness, 
Through a confession of the Oneness
Of the Creator of creation

St. Patrick (ca. 377)



 

 

This is forever my favorite prayer. It strikes me to the heart every time I speak it, and moves me to tears without fail.

Thank God for Saint Patrick. Thank God for his beautiful faith, and for his devotion in bringing that same faith to the people of Ireland. May he intercede for us today and always, that we too may all share in the heartfelt confession of the Oneness of the Creator of Creation, and so, through Him, be brought fully into the oneness of His Church, by the powerful grace and love of Jesus Christ, Who Is King of all nations forever. Amen. 💚🙏✝️☘
 

...However. I'm reblogging this particular instance of this beloved prayer, not only for the cleareformatting, but also because it lacks a period in the last stanza. That actually touches me deeply, even if it was an accidental omission.

That lack of a closing mark, immediately after the proclamation of the Trinity, speaks silent volumes of the infinitude of that very Creator, omnipresent and eternal, with no beginning or end. We are left with a blessedly "unfinished" prayer, refusing to conclude itself, standing forever open and thus overflowing into time beyond itself.

We confess our faith in the Creator of Creation, and though the words leave our lips, they remain in our souls. Their sound lingers in the air like music, an unresolved yet perfect chord, inviting our perpetual participation in this prayer, the secret purpose for which it was spoken in the first place.

This prayer is our breastplate, affixed to our heart always, repeated in every breath, realized in every circumstance. Christ is in all of it. He is present everywhere, always, never ending, enduring forever, and every atom of the universe confesses Him.

Don't "finish" this prayer. Let it continue through the rest of your life.



Nonetheless, Philothea, you must not rest satisfied with general desires and aspirations, but rather turn them into special resolutions for your individual correction and amendment. For instance, when you meditate upon the first of our Saviour's words from the Cross, you will assuredly feel a desire to imitate Him, to forgive and love your enemies. But that desire is worth little unless you proceed to some practical resolution, such as "I will no longer be angry at the irritating words which such a one says to me or of me; nor at the annoyance caused me by another; on the contrary, I will do and say all I can to soothe and them" - and so forth. In this way you will soon correct your faults, whereas mere desires will have but few and tardy results.

- St. Francis de Sales, Introduction to the Devout Life, Part 2: Counsels Concerning the Soul's Approach f God in Prayer and the Sacraments, Chapter 6: Third Part of Meditation - Affections and Resolutions

This is VERY edifying advice for Lent.

Desire alone will only produce dreams of possible results. Deciding on a specific goal-- something practical and achievable-- will guarantee results, with the grace of God helping you through prayer.

God wants you to be free of sin! He will assist you in doing so, but you must know and recognize where you are bound first, or your prayers will be vague and unfocused. Show Him a specific struggle you have with sin, determine your weakest spots, get a battle plan, and resolve to fight with Christian virtue!

Small steps of virtue are still significant steps. Our Lord could work miracles with but a word or a touch. You do not need to do grandiose acts for Lent in order to draw closer to Him. Resolve to let His Living Water wash away your iniquities, be it drop by drop... but direct those drops to hit your wounds. You will heal. God always gets results.

(Saint Francis de Sales words this perfectly succinctly, but my hearts was nevertheless moved to elaborate from personal experience, for I too desperately need this advice. All thanks be to God!)



"Today, I shall do an act of charity for a poor or suffering person, even if I have to go out of my way to do it."

This is a beautiful challenge of charity.

Let us all keep our eyes, ears, hearts, and hands open today-- and through all of Lent-- for opportunities to help those in need, whatever that need may be, whoever may need it. Let us pray for the grace & discernment to act in compassion when God leads us to such an opportunity, not out of moral obligation or self-righteousness, but out of tender mercy and genuine love for our fellow man. Let us act in charity because we cannot help but do so. May the love that Christ had-- and forever has-- for the poor & needy overflow from our hearts today and always!




Bartolomé Esteban Murillo, Man of Sorrows (detail), 17th century

You can see the sorrow in His face, here– in the downturned humility of His gaze, in the slight but notable curve of His eyebrows, in the dark lines below His eyes… in His quiet mouth, like a Lamb led to slaughter.

A single thorn draws a bead of brilliant Blood from His forehead. The wretched crown wreathes His hair like a halo.

By His Wounds, we have been healed– but oh, so too by His sorrows, we have been comforted! What blessed, tragic paradox! What agonies our Lord endured for our sake!

God became a man, a man of sorrows, so that we, in our own miseries, would never suffer alone. We would, forever, have an Advocate of empathy, a Lord Who had bled and wept and feared just like us. Christ knows our pain.

Let your aching heart take refuge in Him.

 

akosuaa: I don’t want to be lukewarm loved

 slain-in-the-spirit: Imagine how God feels.

thatetherealgirl: This hit me.

363ci: Revelation 3:16 = So because you are lukewarm - neither hot nor cold - I am about to spit you out of my mouth.

Yea this hits right now too.

 

Lukewarm “love” isn’t worthy of the name, when the heart of Love Himself is on fire.

God’s heart burns with love for us. When that hits us, it cannot help but spark a similar flame in our own hearts, however small it may start.

Feed that flame of love! Do not let it fizzle out or fade! Work it into a blazing ardor through acts of devotion and prayer. Start small, for your fire is yet a candle-light, but it will increase with every ounce of charity-fuel you put into it. Prayer gives you that fuel through grace. Without it, we’re helpless– we have no means to kindle a divine spark ourselves! But if God gives it, He will protect it. Pray for this!

During these 40 days of Lent, a spiritual desert whose nights bring terrible coldness & dark, set your eyes firmly on the heart of Christ, aflame with love for you– for you!!– and let that burning truth fill your own heart with zeal, pressing on towards the Cross, where that divine Love was proved… and is proven still.

Your cross, too, proves the heat of your love for God. Carry it! It us bringing you to Him!

 


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Catholicism is inherently “weird & creepy” with “crazy ideas” according to the world; yes, we may affectionately and humorously use those terms for ourselves, but in truth we must also realize the bitter judgment behind them externally. It pains my heart to hear such comments because it implies the commenter only sees those qualities in our faith, not the beauty & mercy & love. We must pray sincerely for those people; their hearts are closed through misunderstanding, fear, or hatred, and Christ longs for their hearts to soften, repent, and return home to Him too.

Nevertheless, I am humbly grateful to be weird, creepy, & crazy, if that is how my relationship with Christ and His Church is perceived by the yet-unfaithful. It is a small yet significant joy & honor to see so many of us proclaiming the same.



“Yet even now,” declares the LORD, “return to Me with all your heart, with fasting, weeping, and mourning.”
Joel 2:12 BSB

To "break down the barriers separating your heart from God"-- to truly rend your heart-- you must first identify those barriers, those places so hardened and stiff they must be rent asunder lest you perish. It's tragically easy to find those spots-- whenever you feel resistance to His presence & input in a situation, whenever you feel unwilling or unable to pray, whenever you cannot hear His Voice or even remember what it sounds like-- all these frightening instances are barriers between your heart and His. They need to be removed-- destroyed completely, reduced to dust & ashes, beyond rebuilding-- but we have no strength to do that alone! All we can do is beg for help; all we can do is seek Him out, with feeble fervor if we must, but seek Him we must. When you cannot "pray," you can still cry to Him without words. When you cannot hear, you can still read Scripture. And when you feel that awful resistance, that is your greatest opportunity-- you can then show God EXACTLY where that obstacle is, and with hopeful trust, plead Him to remove it by His merciful grace. Then you must let Him work. You need only stand with Him and watch Him.

Over and over, moment to moment, breath by breath, you must constantly refocus on God. You must let Him into your broken heart, so He can remake it in His liking. The demolition is a rebirth. We fast from the world to feed upon Him. We weep for our sins to be grateful for His mercy. We mourn for Him Who died for us, because of us, so that we may feel the joy of the salvation His Blood bought for us.

When you let Him remove the chains shackling your soul to the secular world, you become free to embrace Him. Even if your wrists are bloodied and bruised, His pains to free you were greater, and you can take comfort in knowing that no amount of damage your soul or body may bear will ever deter Him from pulling you close. He is the Divine Physician; when He sees your wounds, He will kiss them to healing. Thus you must admit you have them, uncover them, offer them up to the divine scalpel and sutures if need be. Yes, the process is painful, but it is essential for life. Pain does not mean death, not if it is acted upon; it is only an alert that something needs to be rectified... and as you progress in penance, you shall find that what was once seen as suffering to the flesh is now sweet to your soul.

The call to penance is not a call to separation. In the very midst of our mortification, we are drawing closer to Christ. We are returning to the One Who loves us. We are coming home.

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HAPPY FORGIVENESS SUNDAY!

I’m not Orthodox, but the entire concept & celebration of Forgiveness Sunday is both deeply humbling and deeply beautiful.

Ask for forgiveness from God, ask for forgiveness from your neighbor– and then offer forgiveness to your neighbor in return, as we have received forgiveness from God.

Lent is all about forgiveness, mercy, & repentance. It’s a time to grow closer to God and act more like Christ, by loving & serving God and His people, and turning away from all sin, which harms those relationships.

Let us all look forward in hope to this time of penitence, for it is a time of restoration, and at the end of this desert road– by the way of the Cross– new life awaits us; life in the Lord!

Happy Forgiveness Sunday indeed! 🙏❤

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This statement is not wrong, but it is not completely right, either. It is a basic observation from a genuinely religious people, who are simply unaware of the transcendent nature of that other religion's building.

Let me begin by correctly affirming the implication here of divinity within nature:

"The entire material universe speaks of God’s love, His boundless affection for us. Soil, water, mountains: everything is, as it were, a caress of God... God has written a precious book, “whose letters are the multitude of created things present in the universe,” [and] no creature is excluded from this manifestation of God." (Pope Francis)

God absolutely speaks to all people through nature; the created world is our most direct and immediately universal revelation of the beauty of the Creator. "Natural religion" is called that for a reason; it is an instinctive response to the divinity we see reflected in the blessed earth around us. Some cultures stop there, and worship nature itself-- not realizing that nature is our sister, not our mother (as Saint Francis beautifully penned). Some cultures do imagine "gods" in control of nature, but they are not creators, not of the very hearts of things; nor do they satisfy the even deeper human desire for something greater-- something we can know and touch, here, to tell us vividly of God, of the Heart of beauty itself.

Honestly? I say we still miss the Garden. We still dream of Paradise, after being cast out from it. Our "wanting more" was misplaced, as we already had everything... everything except loss. So we lost everything, and now we ache to return, not because it was lovely, but because of why it was lovely... because of Who created it and us.

That is the deeper point. For the Christian-- and especially Catholic-- soul, there is a recognition and explanation of the innately longed-for depth beyond the surface sparkle:

"When we immerse ourselves in the beauty of nature and be attentive to what is going on in our soul, we find that we have a longing for even greater beauty. No one ever said, “That sunset was all I ever wanted to see.” We always want one that’s a little brighter, a little longer, a little more picturesque. The beauty in nature awakens in us the desire for Infinite Beauty, Jesus Christ Himself." (Christian Williams)

And THAT is where the "building" comes in. It is not 'necessary' for worship, or for prayer, or for talking and listening to God. Nature is, indeed, a wonderful place for all those things. But nature has not been specifically instituted by God as a memorial of His Saving Sacrifice, as a specific and sacred spot of spacetime where He can still be with us physically. God is there in nature, yes, but not literally so. You can only touch God through the hands of a priest, and such a staggering miracle both deserves and demands a particular place to occur, something "set apart" from even the beauty of the natural world, which-- although inherently good-- can easily get tangled up in pagan pantheism, and whose greatest beauty pales spectacularly in the Presence of Christ.

We go inside a building to talk to God because He is literally there. We built Him a house we can visit Him in, like a friend, like a lover-- a place uniquely His own, built by His family on earth, something tenderly human and beloved even in its flaws. A church is not a sunset, but oh, once you have met the Lord there, you would gladly give up ever seeing another sunset, if it meant you could stay with Him instead, and taste Heaven on earth.

You will never have to hunger for Paradise again.

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‘Eve After the Fall’. Auguste Rodin. 1886.

This is terribly powerful in its simplicity.

Consider: this is the first woman. The very first! She was created pure, joyful, as simple and guileless as a child. She had no shame, no guilt, no fear. She walked with God in Paradise, and the very concept of suffering– of sin & evil– was alien to her.

However… yes, she was pure, but she was not perfect. She was still fallible– she had free will, and the possibility of choosing wrongly was an inherent risk of that liberty.

Satan knew this.

One day, as Eve was admiring the one tree she was forbidden to eat from, a strange serpent slithered into her sight and hissed the first human temptation– mistrust in God.

“Did God really say that…?”

Eve’s faith was not perfect. Some key part of her heart was not fixed on her Lord. She doubted, she desired, she took the fruit that was not hers to take… and suddenly, she knew.

She knew she had sinned.

And look at her now! Look, at this first woman, this poor young child of God, once a stranger to death but now she has tasted it firsthand. Look at what that knowledge has done to her. Her legs are crossed in shameful self-awareness, one foot held back and hesitant, betraying her new inner instability. She has one arm wrapped tightly around her chest in a gesture of unquestionable distress, hiding not only her breasts but also her heart: two parts of her body once innocent, now tainted by the suggestions of sin. Her other arm speaks volumes. It is crossed over the other, closing her body language totally, but the hand is raised– feebly, not to shield from a blow but to deter all contact, all comfort. Don’t look at me, it says. Don’t touch me. Her guilt is too great. She turns her head away, but does not bury it completely; she has not fallen entirely into self-pity. Perhaps she is holding on to hope, to the only light she has left within reach– “her offspring will attack the serpent’s head.” Somewhere in the future, her now-miserable body will once again cooperate with God’s will, and then– oh, so soon, she prays– evil will be crushed. Perhaps then she could return to Paradise, to her Lord, and leave behind this terrible curse.

Until then, here she stands… fallen, but not forgotten.


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I apologize for not posting anything specifically about Lent. I know it's tomorrow. I've been thinking about it constantly. But I've also been very sick, in and out of the ER, and that suffering is eating up my focus as well. I feel like a wreck of a Christian, struggling so much just with everyday living. I don't know what else I can give up, other than my fears and anxieties, so that is my goal. I will pray more, and panic less, and be merciful to myself and others, and hold tightly to my hope in God, and a life with Him after this. Lent means so much to me. I am grateful it is here, even if I am weaker and more pitiful spiritually than ever. God have mercy on me during this penitential season. I pray that this time heals my poor soul.

May Our Lord bless you all this Lent. May your devotion bring you ever closer to the Heart of Christ.

 


prismaticbleed: (Default)

My new name is JOEL LAETARE?????
I've been praying so much about it. God I continue to pray; if this is true, confirm it with Your Truth, please.

But yeah! I went to Mass at NOoL for once this morning-- they're the only folks with an 8AM Sunday Mass-- and everything was UNEXPECTEDLY PINK.
That holy rejoicing, WITHIN THIS PENITENTIAL TIME, is so resonant with my soul. It is joy IN the pain, BOTH of them holy, and UNITED.

"Laetare" is NOT identical to "Gaudete": the latter is still hope for a fullness of Joy in the expectant waiting for it, but it occurs during a time of PROMISE?

ROSE IS NOT PINK!!! IT'S RED FUSED WITH WHITE!!!
THAT i
s why my resonance shifted to "pink"; THOSE TWO COLORS ARE INSEPARABLE IN MY HEART BUT I KEEP HOLDING THEM SEPARATELY AND IT DOESN'T WORK.
This is why!!

in the Spectrum, boys are LOVERS and girls are CARETAKERS???? It's been GLOBAL in the innerworld SINCE CHILDHOOD but never really "noted" as it was so normal.
Jewel fronting w/ grandma made this point hit home today; she was totally focused on directing her optimistic charm into doting on this dear frail woman.

Rubellite fronting to drive home; staved off bloodsugar panic. She apologized genuinely for her mania, but we reassured her there was no need-- her energy was REQUIRED to keep us stable.

Dinner at 8PM WTF ;______; but God got us through. Prayer works yo. We didn't even get sick!! (Jewel~♡)

------

Understanding Colossians 2=  The wisdom and knowledge of God that is held in its fullness Within Christ can only be known through love for God is love.  Therefore by knitting our hearts together in love we are able to know him And understand the wisdom of God in him.  Arguments cannot teach or Understand or reveal these truths of God.


Thinking.

 

I lost almost two hours on hollow pursuits-- adding U2 albums to the League Shuffle Songbank, looking for mentions of God/Christ in the lyrics; and looking through random Tumblr & Twitter pages for the same. But in both cases, I kept seeing ugly things instead: despair, rage, mockery, sex, violence, self-idolatry, crudity, vanity, and other satanic thoughts.

I always feel soulsick after exposure to anything like that, now. My spiritual immune system (pun intended?) has been absolutely militant lately; the slightest infection of worldliness is met with nauseating symptoms and, ideally, an equally forceful rejection of the evil germ. Unfortunately sometimes I just sit here dry-heaving and miserable; there's too much corrosive rot in my gut to expel safely; vomiting it up would burn a hole in me. I know. Sometimes "cutting out everything" in one blaze of sickened rage-- a definite RED function, God bless them, I recognize their hearts-- is too much of a shock to the spiritual body. I'm still a child, in that regard. I am weak; I still have lingering compulsive affections for some of those things, which I once apparently enjoyed but have now developed a debilitating allergy to (My Lent has been following that EXACT course of development on BOTH inner and outer respects). Although I would love to just spit it all up and have it gone, I cannot do so properly on my own. I need help. I need holy medicine. I need the Divine Physician.

I ended up talking to Laurie about it.

She commented that I was "chasing fireflies while the moon is right there," being so used to only seeing flickers of light in the dark that I didn't yet grasp the concept of light remaining constant.

Past Cores-- I think of Cannon in particular-- have lived in horrific darkness, almost perpetually so. It was their default state of existence, punctuated periodically by precious points of light that they desperately clung to and hoped for and sought out in all the wrong places. On some level, yes, they knew they were seeking God, but they did not yet know God. Their searching was therefore always doomed to fall short of satisfaction, to never achieve lasting deliverance, as they were only "chasing fireflies"-- creatures, flickering with dim and finite glow, something that was not intrinsic to their being and limited to successful chemical reactions; the illumination they offered was as unreliable as it was insufficient. Oh it's light, sure, but it's not Light. Yet it was all they knew. The moon was hidden behind clouds, perhaps, or maybe it was too new... maybe they just never looked up.

In any case, back then, we didn't know God... not well enough, at least. Yes we were religious, and yes we did pray, but even that matched the rhythm of the fireflies: erratic, feeble, almost artificial. It wasn't personal. We recognized light, absolutely, but only as light-- not as a reflection of some greater reality, not truly. I think we idolized those small reflections... every glimmer we could grasp, we pressed so tightly to our heart, that our arms were closed to the Cross.

I jump immediately to that because it's the bottom line. In our suffering, our hope was always for deliverance, but it got stuck in the sparkles? Like, we thought we could collect enough of them to overpower the darkness still suffocating us. That was our conception of God; this was proven in CNC when we flat-out slipped into a sort of pantheism.

But ironically, the more glitter you hoard, the darker the shadows stand behind it. After all, those trinkets you are treasuring-- where are they getting their light from? Batteries? Phosphorescence? Mirrors? In any case, it's not inherent. We failed to recognize that. All the gold in the universe won't save your soul, and no amount of glamour will stop the march of death.

Every firefly will fall to the ground in time. Then what?

Well, then you have to look elsewhere. That's when you notice the moon.

Laurie symbolized the moon quite insightfully; that, too, is not God. But it's much closer to Him, because it DIRECTLY reflects the light of the Sun. Nothing else does that so completely or definitively-- we only perceive it by that reflection. The very identity of the moon-- all its beauty and power-- comes from its relationship to the Sun.

Now we can take that metaphor further, but now isn't the time. I'm sticking to what Laurie said to me, concisely but with enough kick to send me reeling. Everything she does is a gutpunch and I love it.

But that's the moon, too, and THAT was her point.

There is nothing wrong with fireflies or moons or any other lovely thing in God's Creation. But it's HIS. It's not Him.

For us, we stopped chasing fireflies when they disappeared into darkness and in our soul's desperation we turned our eyes heavenwards, and saw a genuine glimpse of God.

...There are only two things in all the world that can be the moon in this respect, and they are arguably identical at heart... religion, and love.

Religion itself can be an idol. Ritualism holds no salvation. What we require is relationship, with God. But we can also just seek relationships without God, which will become our religion if we are not careful. We become lunatics, eventually. The yearning will drive us insane. It's unsustainable. We cannot live on photos of food. We need the Bread of Life.

One day, even the moon will lose its splendor; a cloud will appear, a storm in the night, and its glow will disappear behind terrible turmoil, lit by brazen bolts of cruel new light, shouting out their arrival with awful pride; their light is blinding, not guiding, and it burns everything they touch. False teachers arise; lies swallow up the sky-- religious trauma and sexual abuse turn the moon black and cold... and fear reigns, and we are more lost than ever. We are wrecked. That was 2018, for us.

Well, then what?

Then we wait for dawn.

But we cannot know the dawn exists until we have first endured that awful night... and we cannot welcome the sunrise until we have forsaken all the other lights we have walked by. Even as we still struggle in the dark, we will continue to fear and seek lesser luminaries until we take a leap of faith and hope for what we cannot see but know MUST exist. "There must be something other than this," we plead, and the ache is echoed by all hurting humanity. We've seen enough reflections, enough facsimiles. We know that they do not satisfy. We feel sick and groan with pain, and our only lifeline left is faith. At some point, a switch must flip, touched by a lover or a hymn or a firefly-- and suddenly trust with our very soul that there is hope.

And we wait, in the shadow of the Cross.

But the dawn reveals itself to us. It cannot be forced or imitated. It must solely be hoped for, sought after, focused upon, believed in.
And one day, we will see a promise rising in rose on the horizon, and we will wonder, and we will rejoice, because if we have truly been seeking God then our inmost being will recognize His Face there, at last, at long last, the

That's where this metaphor ends. You can only think and type so much before it gets exhausting, and the wisdom of children prevails... simple, pure, and true.

What I'm trying to say is that my heart-- our heart-- will never be happy until it sees the Son.

But yeah. Hence the internet illness.

The only cure is Christ. Light Incarnate. Hope fulfilled. Tangible joy. He is everything. He is the Sun that never sets, even when it looks like it does in this world of night. But it's only an illusion, thank God, thank God-- because when we no longer live "in the world," well... then we realize that it's always "daytime" in space, so to speak. And we ascend there, to the heavens, when we die to the world with Him, joining Him on the Cross.

No more symbolism, haha. Childlike faith only now. My brain hurts. Let my heart speak instead.

Christ is the only Light & Food I need, and the only Light & Food I want. Everything else is empty. I don't mind. I have Him.

prismaticbleed: (angel)


The Resurrection (La Resurrezione) is an 800-quintal (80-metric-ton) bronze/copper-alloy[1] sculpture by Pericle Fazzini in the Paul VI Audience Hall in Rome.[2][3] Intended to capture the anguish of 20th century mankind living under the threat of nuclear war,[1] La Resurrezione depicts Jesus rising from a nuclear crater in the Garden of Gethsemane.



You know what, I never understood why such a shocking sculpture was chosen for the Hall, but now-- looking with open heart, and reading that artist's note-- I get it.

Let me pour myself out here.

The Cross itself is "scandalous." It's inherently terrifying. Our most common representation of the God Who Loves Us is of His Son's destroyed and bleeding body nailed to a piece of ragged wood. It's horrific, really. But it's true. It's "foolish" and "insane" to those without faith-- and understandably so! God's Wisdom is incomprehensible to the proud human mind; it is "ridiculous" to those who boast of their intelligence and perspicacity. Why would God crucify His own Son? Better yet, why would God the Son choose to become a man, humble and lowly-- and as a man, choose TO be crucified? What's the point? Isn't it barbaric? Isn't it gruesome? Why would Love work through-- and suffer through-- blood and sweat and spit and gore?

Because Pride wouldn't.

Life itself chose to die so we wouldn't have to.

But Life cannot die. So what then? When Immortality clothes Himself in mortality, what happens to that mortal existence when it is stripped away? Immortality is naked and pure, unaffected by any coverings, but that "clothing" of human nature carries the scent and warmth and blood of God, now. So what happens to the humans who recognize that hidden change, that "wedding garment" set aside and waiting for them? They live, too. They strip off their dusty rags and wrap their souls in His reddened Robe, the Body of the Lamb, and they become sharers in eternity.

That transcendent truth is hidden at the heart of this shocking sculpture. It's meant to shock. It's meant to make you stop, and wonder, and tremble-- this is God, but it's not how we would imagine God to be; why this hideous sight? Why this macabre display?

Yet Christ is still untouched. Gilded and transcendent, He rises above the horror; He ascends out of the very mouth of the underworld-- unscathed, incorruptible, perfect, alive.

In my eyes, this is the fruit of that grisly image we Christians remember with honor. This is the harrowing of hell, perpetually so.

We live in a world increasingly dominated by death, and ruled by rancor. Our very souls are at war with God, and our rotten fruit virulently infects every citizen of the world-- we are entombed in selfishness, apathy, condemnation, violence, dishonesty, abuse, persecution, injustice, terrorism, hatred, want, greed, vanity, and impurity. We dwell in Gethsemane, betrayers all, we sinners who would kiss our Teacher but never hail Him as King. We spit upon the Cross and we crown Him with thorns, as we comfort ourselves with comfort and dress up as sparkling gods. We want nothing to do with His self-denial, we laugh; look at where it leads-- look at that corpse pinned to a tree! How is that God? How is that Love? There is nothing enjoyable or attractive there! There is only blood. There is only death, and useless sacrifice, a man dying for sins we did not commit! This we crow as we distract ourselves from the corpses also around our feet, from the stench of grave-rot even now mildewing our souls. We live in the Garden of Agony but we keep eating the forbidden fruit, proud of our "wisdom," forgetting that we shall die from it. Meanwhile the Lord of Light sobs in the dark and chooses to be murdered so He can save you. You don't ask for it. You wouldn't. But He does it anyway, because you still need it.

As bombs leave craters in the earth, so the explosions of sin destroy our hearts. So our offenses ruin each other. We don't even see the mushroom cloud; it's too far away. Perhaps those people deserve it. Perhaps it's better this way; it would've been worse if we didn't drop it. These are our excuses. We wash our hands and let Love be crucified. We turn our backs on the annihilation, unwilling to admit it exists, let alone that our actions-- or our total inaction-- is what ripped open the world like that. All we did was push a button, or let someone else do so; how could such a little thing be bad? We forget the butterflies and hurricanes. We walk away from the Cross.

The Garden is nuked. We have nothing to eat. We have nowhere to mourn. God is dead and we all have blood on our hands. Hell has come to earth, and we have nowhere to run.

Christ walks into the heart of the crater we made.

This is Love. This is the Cross. This is the Burial and the Resurrection. This is death, in all its red & raw reality, burning holes in our bones, undenied and yet completely powerless now that Life has met it in the very Garden it thought it devoured. The Tree of Life remains, incomprehensibly whole, ingrued now with the seeds of agony, yet blooming into fathomless sweetness. Christ is in the crater; He has endured the scorching heat and crushing force of hate, and despite all devastation He lives!! And He has opened the gates of Life for all of us beneath the bombs. We, too, have tasted His bitter Cross; therefore we, too, will join the Wedding feast with Him-- we lost and repentant sinners, now naked without our wealth and scared without our knowledge, living in the streets and begging for bread. He pulls us close to His pierced Heart, kisses our ashen lips, and carries us to His Home. He knows what we've done. He knows what we didn't do. He recognizes our hands as the ones that held the nails and scourges and silver and swords, our voices as the ones that mocked and condemned or mumbled or stopped, our faces as the ones that sneered or turned away or just glanced, unfeeling. We did not love Him. We did not want Him. We loved ourselves enough to satisfy; we had everything we desired. But the bombs fell, and we lost the world, and now death is lurking the back alleys and what now, we asked each other, shaking and weeping? What hope is there? Is there a God? Was He really God? If He died, then-- if we killed Him; if we let Him die, if we didn't even care-- what now?

We forget He chose to. We forget that He never forgot us-- until suddenly He is there, in the slums with us, the moment we remember and decide to go look for Him. Hope does not disappoint. He still lifts us from the debris and dries our tears.

"Do not worry, my child. It's easy to find Me," He says. "I am always on the Cross; you only need to meet me there."

See, Love does not run from death. Love does not ignore the suffering. Love knows it is inevitable. Love does not try to justify or diminish the reality of the horrors we face. Love does not shun responsibility either. Love sees how we all hurt and hurt each other, unable or unwilling to bandage our collective wounds, and Love immediately runs onto the battlefield with every salve and suture it can carry. Love does not pick sides; Love does not exclude or reject; Love does not hold grudges or biases or proud judgments. Love sees every soul as a part of itself, and cherishes it as such. Love is willing and able to willingly give its own life for the sake of those it loves. Love chooses to pick up that Cross and shoulders it with absolute ardor, bleeding all the way to death itself, even if you're the one who it belongs to-- even if you put it on His shoulders yourself-- because now you don't have to carry that Cross alone.

And it is no mere man Who carries your sorrows. It is God Himself.

Now, even though you will still die-- for all men eventually do, no matter how far and fast they may run-- now, you have the option to die with Him. With God.

So. If He dies with you, what then? If you admit that your name should be on that Cross instead, and surrender to the suffering life brings, what then, if He joins you in that choice, if you join Him in His?

Do you wonder, when you look at His face there, bruised beyond visual recognition? Do you wonder, when you hear His voice clogged with pain? Your own body is torn to pieces. How is this saving you? Why is He dying too? He is not coming down from the gibbet. Neither are you. All you can smell is blood.

But God smiles with broken teeth. "I am the Resurrection and the Life," He whispers to you over the air raid sirens. "Whoever believes in Me will never die, but will have eternal life. Do you believe this?"

What, then? Do you? Or are you still too frightened to have faith?

What if He told you He loves you?

There, on your own Cross, in your own death, ruined and wrecked, He loves you. He did not do this to you. Sin itself did-- yours, and all of humanity's, known and unknown-- its very touch is a death sentence, now nailed above your head in lurid letters, but He knew those words already and He speaks different ones, against all common sense and self-loathing and bitterness, and you cannot understand. He shoulders the weight with you, without your asking-- your pride would not let you. You don't understand how He loves you if you're up there, but... so is He, you must admit. Smiling, His eyes so sincere. He looks at you and for a moment you forget pain; you forget death. For a moment, you get it.

He loves you. Life Himself loves you.

Do you trust in that love? Do you trust in Him, dying with you?

Now, in your bleakest moments, you have a spark of hope. You are embraced in the infinite reach of His outstretched arms. You are seen, you are cared for, you are healed-- somehow, somehow, no matter the damage, your soul is preserved entire, clothed in dazzling light, and no man on earth can frighten you now--

This is love, you suddenly realize. How strange. How perfect.

O Death, where is your sting? It has been transmuted into song.

Through the Cross, God has claimed the very territory of death for Himself. In His awesome Wisdom and Power, He has vanquished every enemy by their own weapons; He has ultimately disarmed hell itself. Death has been nullified. Through the Cross, every tombstone now becomes a door, to soon be rolled away in joy.

Now, by His sharing in humanity's suffering, every soul seemingly trapped in misery now has a Way out of it, forever. That misshapen wreck of bronze, that mangled tree, those burned branches of our scarred and scalded arms reaching desperately to a heaven we cannot see-- Christ has come down to bind our broken hands, and with all tenderness, to lift us up with Him. We shall ascend from our anguish. We have hope beyond all hell.

We look to the Cross, in all its awful splendor, and we no longer run-- we embrace it. No matter what we must endure at human hands, Christ is in the crater with us.

prismaticbleed: (angel)

godmechanic:

whats everybody’s favorite religious art trope. mine is the annunciation hands down

 

HEARTS (esp. starkly exposed and/or glowing), powerfully expressed emotions, Christ’s Passion & wounds, unusual art styles (esp. vaporwave/ “web art” edits), art that is more “symbol” than scene, halos in unusual colors & designs, colorful angel wings, SERAPHIM, those little childlike angels that appear in paintings to ‘comment on’ the scene, those other angels that appear to specifically comfort Christ (AND catch the Blood of Christ in chalices), the Hand of God, and the Eucharist represented as kissing Jesus.

Some examples!

I love the absolute vulnerability in this i am legit IN LOVE with this image of Christ one of the most beautiful paintings I've ever seen
POLISH VAPORWAVE JESUS a beautiful depiction of the visitation this image makes me WEEP. it is TERRIFYING in its honesty.
the CRYING ANGELS!! i love the red/blue color contrast here the hand of God!!!
THIS. THIS IS WHAT FAITH IS ABOUT.

Basically, if it breaks my heart open to God in some way, I love it.

prismaticbleed: (Default)

Chalice filled with the FRUIT OF THE VINE = the Vine is CHRIST; the fruit He bears is IN THE CHALICE = OUR SALVATION BY HIS BLOOD.
For us to ALSO be "fruit on the vine" INHERENTLY CONNECTS US TO THIS.

No second baptism because we have CONFESSION!!
We can only go into the Jordan and have ORIGINAL SIN removed ONCE. All sins after are OUR OWN RESPONSIBILITY, and require a SECOND DEATH to remove-- THE DEATH OF CHRIST. It is therefore ONLY by dying TO SIN and confessing it LIKE DISMAS on the cross, that we can BE REBORN ANEW??

Life of a Christian reflects the chronology of the Gospel?
Baptism starts, then follows what He teaches in His sermons?? Until we reach the CROSS?

WE MUST CARRY OUR CROSS EXPECTING TO DIE. THERE IS NO PUTTING IT DOWN. Like Saint Dismas, we must CONFESS OUR DESERVING OF DEATH AND SURRENDER TO IT.

CHRIST COMES TO US, HEALS US FIRST WITHOUT "FAITH??" Matthew 4:23-24. He proved His Authority and Goodness FIRST BY HEALING those who came to Him WITHOUT BELIEVING HE WAS GOD. They did not know Him yet and were not ready TO have that faith, but He healed them first. Only then could they believe??? Wondering about this. "You can't give what you don't have" = THEOLOGICAL VIRTUES MUST BE GIVEN TO US by GRACE!
prismaticbleed: (angel)



Devotion to the side wound of Christ, touchingly evidenced in my local Basilica.

(When I saw this I WEPT.)

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Nothing is unexpected to God; He knows and guides all things.
I cannot control anything, but God is in control of the universe itself.
Do not be anxious! Trust Him! Pray when you are worried; do not despair. He will bring all things to a perfect end according to His Good Will... and nothing can stop or hinder His purposes.

Take profound comfort in that.



Lord, I trust You. Forgive my worrying and obsessing. I surrender everything into Your loving, wise, and prudent care. Lead me in Your grace to seek only You, and desire only You. Amen.



"If I say hard things, it is not because I do not love you. I write as I do, because I desire your salvation. He is your best friend who tells you the most truth. Truth must be spoken, however condemning it might be."
-J.C. Ryle


Remember this-- true love, and a true friend, will always tell you the truth, or they themselves cannot be considered true. Truth does not lie, or hide, or omit, or alter, or pander, or hate, or disparage. Since truth is of God, and God is love, the two are inherently interconnected.
Yes, the truth may be condemning, but then you are in a position to recieve mercy, and to change your now terribly aware heart, which has been so brought into the light-- the light of Truth, which cannot help but illuminate all it touches.
Speak the truth, always-- but remember, if not spoken with love, even basic facts are tainted. True honesty is pure and clear, and seeks only to accomplish what is equally so.
Look at the Gospels. Christ, the Truth Himself, spoke truly to all-- but it was indeed a condemning truth to many! Yet it was always spoken with love, love for those misguided and lost souls, love that shone its light on them to lead the way back home. Christ, Who is God, desires that all men be saved... yet, if they reject the truth, they cannot be, of their own choice.
In today's culture, it is difficult to speak the truth without facing great opposition, even hostility. Do not fear. Truth must be spoken, for the sake of truth-- for the sake of love; the sake of God.

 




 

Rab Ne Bana Di Jodi (2008) dir. Aditya Chopra
This is so pure and sweet; it gives me real joy to see such dialogue in a film.
This is marriage, as God intended it-- this unexpected yet beautiful falling in love with one another, over and over again. After all, every day, you learn more about their heart and mind and soul, you become more familiar with their words and moods and actions… every day, there is something new to deepen and enrich your love. That is marriage. Yes, even with the tough times and rough edges, that is marriage, that is love, outlasting and seeing beyond it all– because those difficulties are not inherent, they are not permanent; what lasts is eternal and inviolable– your hearts and souls, your love, your marriage covenant. And that is how God loves each and every one of us, too. You are called to be a sacred, living icon of that divine ardor to the world. Rejoice in that. Fireworks!


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When you cannot sleep from sickness, and keep having nightmares... remember that God knows every sparrow’s fall– He holds You in His hands despite all nightmares that shake you, despite all sickness that torments you. God cares for you, most deeply and truly, especially in your illness– and right now, you share, however briefly and minutely, in the Cross of Christ. There is hidden blessing in this; embrace it with prayer, give Him your pain and fear and distress. He carries it with you. It will not last forever, take heart. There is sweet mercy even now. With Christ, there is a resurrection after every cross.

I say a prayer every night in the form if an old hymn, as I find it deeply beautiful, and it goes like this:

“Before the fading of light, we pray you, O Creator of the universe, with your accustomed mercy, to be [our] protector and guardian.
May our hearts dream of you; may they perceive you in sleep. And, with the approach of light, may they always celebrate your glory.
Grant us a wholesome life; restore our ardour. May your brilliance light up the over-powering darkness of the night.
Grant this, Almighty Father, through the Lord Jesus Christ, Who reigns with you for ever with the Holy Spirit. Amen.”

I hope you find some comfort in it, too. 🙏❤













012222

Jan. 22nd, 2022 10:13 pm
prismaticbleed: (angel)
 I'm studying John 5 atm and it is STAGGERING.

I can now GENUINELY grasp just HOW Jesus is equal to God IN the works He does, AND what it means for Him to be our JUDGE & INTERCESSOR BOTH.
His work is GIVING LIFE and JUDGING SOULS. ⭐He does that which it is IMPOSSIBLE for any creature TO do, OR to even be honored with; therefore He MUST be God by merit OF His honors & works!
⭐"amen amen I say to you" = grave subject matter, which is DIVINELY REVEALED & UNCONTESTABLY TRUE= we could not know it on our own, but now we know it beyond all doubt.
⭐Christ ONLY DOES WHAT GOD DOES, and IN THE SAME MANNER-- the same authority, liberty, & wisdom.
⭐THE SON IS TO THE CHURCH WHAT THE FATHER IS TO THE WORLD. Hence all the Genesis parallels in Johns gospel. Christ creates & sustains the NEW EARTH = KINGDOM OF HEAVEN. This is also why He is the NEW ADAM & Mary is the NEW EVE.
God shows Jesus what He does to rule Heaven, so that Christ can DUPLICATE THAT WORK of CREATION & PROVIDENCE IN THE CHURCH= THE "WORLD TO COME"!! Like a teaching father, God SHOWS in order to BE LOVINGLY IMITATED. THAT SUCH ACTION IS CHRIST'S ENTIRE LIFE. What He is shown in order to do, He does, and NOTHING ELSE.
⭐Christ's miracles are such because they have DIVINE POWER= on its own, nature could never accomplish such works by ANY means, AND DIVINE AUTHORITY= Christ can and does change BOTH NATURAL LAW AND RELIGIOUS LAW to accomplish them, something ONLY GOD CAN DO.
⭐Marveling at Christ's miracles honors Him, even by an unbeliever-- BUT only in BELIEVING IN HIM can we BENEFIT from those miracles, OR have Him work them in OUR lives!!
⭐GOD ALONE HAS THE AUTHORITY TO JUDGE AND EXECUTE JUDGMENT. NO CREATED THING CAN. Similarly, ALL POWER TO GIVE LIFE & RAISE THE DEAD IS DIVINELY GIVEN, AND ALL KNOWLEDGE OF IT IS BY DIVINE REVELATION!!! Concerning both those points, Christ can "keep alive or slay" whom He wills SOLELY BECAUSE HE HAS THE DIVINE WISDOM & SOVEREIGNTY TO DO SO. He works according to the Father's Will, which is All Good, so Christ's discretion to heal or let die is ALWAYS VALID AND JUST. HE IS THE WORD OF LIFE ITSELF; NO CREATED THING CAN DECIDE WHAT HE "SHOULD" DO WITH THAT LIFE. All life and all goodness is at His free disposal. All created things DEPEND ON HIM FOR EXISTENCE; GOD ALONE IS SELF-EXISTENT.
⭐THE WORLD OF THE CHURCH IS THEREFORE DEPENDENT ON CHRIST FOR ALL ITS SPIRITUAL SUSTENANCE. THIS IS WHAT HE MEANT ABOUT BEING BORN AGAIN OF THE SPIRIT, AND OF DYING / RESURRECTING VIA THE CROSS!!!! Nature fails to accomplish either BECAUSE THE CHURCH IS A NEW NATURE, A NEW CREATION THROUGH CHRIST.
⭐CHRIST RESURRECTS THROUGH HIS WORD. HE SPOKE TO EVERYONE HE BROUGHT FROM DEATH TO LIFE!!!! THIS IS WHY THE GOSPEL, AND PREACHING IT TO ALL, IS SO VITAL-- IT IS THE WORD OF GOD!!!
⭐That is so, so important. All our lives, we can hear people read the Gospel, but do we HEAR THE WORD OF CHRIST? Do we hear HIM, speaking to us? Or do we just hear empty letters being recited at us? When grace allows us to HEAR JESUS SPEAKING, I believe it is THEN that our dead souls begin to breathe.
On the last day, it is the VOICE OF JESUS that will resurrect ALL THE DEAD. It is irresistible.
⭐(Jn 5:30) Jesus always judges rightly & properly because He judges AS HE HEARS HIS FATHER JUDGE; Christ seeks GOD'S WILL, not His own! So He cannot be accused of frivolity in healing one man but not another; He acts according to OBEDIENT LOVE, not opinion or feeling. We can rest secure in His discretion, even when He does not heal us as we ask-- remember Gethsemane!
⭐Just like school, to "know" His Word is not empty memorization of verses, nor is it a general familiarity with the subject matter &/or stories due to hearing them in church for years. No-- to KNOW it is to DRINK IT IN, to absorb and ponder and chew on it, to effectively "write it on our hearts." We need to be intimately familiar with His Words, like we are with a favorite poem, or the voice of a loved one. Just like hearing "I love you" never gets old, so must it be with our hearing the Gospel-- God's love letter to us.
⭐HEARING IN AND OF ITSELF is NOT passive, either, in this regard. You can "hear" music playing in the background, but if you're not actually PAYING ATTENTION to it, you might not even remember it after. You heard music, yes, but you didn't hear a SONG. If you can't sing it back, what did you actually Hear? Your ears, although functional, were closed. So too we must be ATTENTIVE to God's Word through Christ-- do you hear the Word, or just words? Do you hear a voice, or His Voice? Are the ears of your heart open, where you can sing it back to Him?
⭐Matthew Henry puts this beautifully: "Christ's design is to bring us to God and, as He is the first original of all grace, so is He the last object of all faith. Christ is our way; God is our rest."


GOODNESS= PLEASING TO GOD & OF BENEFIT TO OTHERS.


Last night I got LAW VS GRACE. matthew Henry commentary.
But on Thursday I somehow ABSOLUTELY UNDERSTOOD the terror of sin and exactly how NECESSARY the Atonement was. I prayed the divine mercy chaplet TREMBLING.
But... I "forgot" it now. I must revisit what I read. John's gospel & the Catechism mainly. But pray & REMEMBER. It's there, just hidden.

Also the Grail is the ROBE????

prismaticbleed: (angel)

"We don't speak the name of God,"
devoted souls all over the world whisper in warning,
as if the concept itself was enough to engender blasphemy
(as in the way you say my beloved,
knowing immediately the touch of a hand, a face, a name--)

but one night long ago, in bethlehem,
a young jewish girl smiled in starlight and whispered in reply,
"yeshua,"
my son, my child, my beloved,
my Joshua,
my Jesus,
my God.
(we don't speak the name--)

it's unthinkable, unthinkable.

how do you imagine it?
what does God look like?
but no, that's easy enough.
God looks like the dew on a rose, like sunrise on snow, like light in a prism. God looks like constellations and butterfly wings and all those other cherished cliches that pour out of our mouths when we are moved by the beauty of Creation, His Creation, touched by His hands in time beyond time.
that's easy enough. but that's not how god looks when he has a name.
that's not what is so terrible, so beyond thought that we shrink from it like feathers from flame.
what does god look like if he looks like you?

little yeshua curls his tiny fingers in the warm wool of a sheep.
mary presses her soft lips to his soft forehead.
what does god look like?
he looks like---

it's unthinkable, unthinkable.

but there he is, lying in a manger,
and the oxen are thinking about it more than you
and the angels weep with joy in the stellated heavens.

we don't speak the name of God.
oh, but why don't we?
is he not my beloved?
is he not my Jesus, too?


to name is to know.

could your heart be so bold?
what if his heart was, first?



prismaticbleed: (angel)



"A joyful person sees God at work even in their trials." And Joy springs from gratitude! Always give thanks to God, especially for your trials, because He IS still at work and in control, and He knows what He is doing and allowing. He loves you, and He always has good plans for your soul. When you consciously recognize this and are thankful for this fact about God’s nature, even if you don’t understand a thing He’s doing, then joy will softly melt away your fears and give you a profound peace. Rest in faithful trust, rest in the love of God, and even in the most difficult days you will taste the deep and constant sweetness of joy.

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"When you put those two things side by side—the naked fact that “God is” and that “you are"—letting the two exist together in quiet contemplation, you have entered the deepest, simplest mystery of prayer. "Take the good, gracious God, just as he is, without qualification, and bind him, as you would a poultice, to your sick self, just as you are.”"

Belden C. Lane, The Solace of Fierce Landscapes: Exploring Desert and Mountain Spirituality

There is nothing more to add to this beautifully phrased & intimately profound truth, other than the sincere entreaty to pray like this as often as possible.

Just… be there, heart thrown wide and aching open, in that silent recognition. Hold yourself close and quiet to Him like a tired and teary-eyed child clinging to his loving father. Just be there. You will feel the cosmic depth of it, and the utter simplicity of it. And God will speak unspoken Truth to your small yet such-beloved heart.

And you must live there. There is all peace, there is all joy, there is all love.


 

“Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.”
(Isaiah‬ ‭43:18-19‬)
 

When your past feels utterly wrecked, and your present utterly desolate, remember this. God wants you to look to Him instead of over your bruised shoulders. He wants you to look in trust, in wonder, in hope so keen it aches. Yes, you are in great sorrow and pain, but look! There is an oasis in the desert. Look! There is life blooming amidst the frozen rocks. Look! God is kissing your wounds. He is recreating you in love. No matter what you were before, no matter what you did… now, God is doing a new thing– He is doing it in you, for you!

Where you see only desolation, God sees an opportunity to work a miracle. His power is made perfect in weakness. Give Him your wastelands, and look– He shall fill them with flowers.

 


"Whenever we have the opportunity, we should do good to everyone."
(Galatians 6:10)

Keep your heart open to those opportunities, and you will see them everywhere– they are like glittering yet hidden diamonds waiting to be revealed and shared.

But be warned– if you grumble over the possibility of suffering to do good, over complaints of inconvenience and impatience and indignities, then you will miss thousands of priceless spiritual gems… your hardened heart will see everything, like itself, as a dulled rock.

Let love break that stone so you can shine. Start small, start sincerely. Even the tiniest jewel is inherently precious. Do good, always and everywhere, and watch the world around you begin to sparkle with the light of God.



Anonymous asked,
Hello, I am asking if you could please pray for me? I had a hallucination/waking dream last night or maybe a real spiritual event but I doubt it--in which a demon tried to attack me and I just want to know that people of God have my back. Thank you. God Bless
 


Dear sibling in Christ, as someone who also experiences such demonic torments, I will absolutely pray for you with empathetic sincerity.

Do not lose heart. Many saints have suffered at the hands of the devil. No matter what he or his minions do, however, Christ has your back. More than anyone else, He is there for you, even if He does not intervene directly. He has His holy purposes; all He allows is meant to help you grow in holiness and virtue, to conform your soul more closely to His. Satan hates our Lord– therefore he also hates His people. But he cannot and will not win, as long as you endure in faith. Take courage.

In any case, many prayers are being said for you, for mercy and deliverance, for strength and consolation. Saint Michael the Archangel, we particularly recommend this soul to your mighty care and protection. Saint Joseph, terror of demons, pray for them and stand by them. Mary, Queen of Angels, chase the fallen ones away! Stay with this soul as a mother who always defends and comforts her children. We ask all this in the name of Jesus Christ our sovereign Lord. Amen.



"Wherever I am, as soon as I raise the eyes of my heart in my affliction to God, the Lover of men immediately answers my faith and prayer, and the sorrow immediately departs. He is at every hour near me, only I do not see it, but I feel it vividly in my heart. Sorrow is the death of the heart and it is the falling away from God."

- St John of Kronstadt

 


Let suffering & sorrow bring you closer to Christ, by motivating heartfelt & fervent prayer– but pray with faith, and humble surrender nevertheless! Jesus longs to comfort you, even if the affliction does not abate. He will still bring His peace into your heart, true and unshakable, and that closeness to Him is what shall soothe all sorrow.

Do not fall into self-pity or despair; they will choke your soul. Instead, like a child in pain seeking its mother, run immediately to The Lord, Who Loves you. In this, even your worst afflictions will become gates to holy joy– through love they will take you to the Cross, where your pains unite bittersweetly with His, with Life Himself Who will deliver you thus from spiritual death. Fear not!


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Thank God for EVERYTHING. Every single thing. No exceptions, as I always strive to emphasize. Look at the Bible– God’s greatest blessings often come disguised, wreathed in pain & suffering & sorrow– just like Christ.

We typically have no idea what God is doing, in those scary times. We’re frightened, confused, and hurting. But God is holding you in His Hands even then, especially then, when everything but Him is powerless and at a loss. God’s glory is made manifest all the more stunningly in weakness. We know this from Saint Paul, but do we believe this?

Begin by thanking God for everything. It’s radical trust, radical surrender, radical love. And it will bring you the most profound peace.

In trouble,– today especially– I pray like this:

“God, I’m scared and upset and I’m distressed by what is happening… but I trust You. I know that Your Will is Good, and I want to surrender to it despite my fears. Help me to do that by Your grace. Help me to rest in Your Love and care, especially when I cannot see it clearly at work. Strengthen my faith in You during this time. I unite my sufferings to those of Christ Your Son in reparation for my sins. I thank you for this grace. I thank you for Your purposes in allowing these things to happen, however difficult, for You have a plan. I thank You for keeping me safe in Your plan despite my wretchedness, and for loving me so much that nothing in this world can separate me from You, no matter how terrible it may be. I thank You for everything, because I love You too, feebly but sincerely, and I do not fear Your Good Will. I trust You. Thank you for all of this. Amen.”

Just… pour your heart out to God. Center on your love for Him, and on His Love for you, and gratitude will flow out from your soul like a river.

Thank You, God, for everything, everything. Thy Will Be Done.


semperreformanda:

God holds all things together.

Rest.

Everything is under His loving control. He’s got you covered.

Be at peace, like a child in his Father’s arms. Rest there by His Heart.

As He holds you, so He holds the universe.


 

kweza-deactivated20221020:

at some point, you have to realise that all you can do for a hardened soul is pray for them. you don’t have the power to transform heart but God does.

Arguably, that prayer also has great merit because it can only spring from genuine humility– recognizing that I am not God, I cannot change them, I have no control or power nor should I. You must surrender them, and yourself, entirely into God’s care and good will.

Furthermore, this shift from “I must save them!” to “only God can save them” MUST be motivated by love and mercy. You are not “abandoning” a loved one’s hardened heart to the Lord– how could that heart’s Creator ever abandon it?– rather, you are relinquishing your desperate grip on it, so that He can hold it to His own Heart and soften it in a way no human ever could. To admit this exclusive grace is to also hope for it. We cannot see Love without Love first being in us, too, by that same grace.

But I continue with a warning. If, when you stop trying to save someone and “put it in God’s hands,” you fail to pray for them, OR you are begrudging in your loss of attempted saviorship– then you are being motivated by pride and that will drag your soul down into hardness with nauseating speed. “Love your enemies” is a paradox because, when you love someone– love, not necessarily like; there is a difference– they are no longer an enemy, but a lost friend. If you are so offended by your inability to transform them as such with your own power, they will never be loved by you, not in any truth. But when you choose to love them anyway, even with no outward transformation or sign, then– by God’s grace in your soul– they are nevertheless, despite all hell, a friend that you want to meet in heaven.

That’s how we must pray for our ‘enemies’. In fact, no one is our enemy but Satan. Every human being that has ever hurt you is just a lost and stumbling sheep– just like you. Forgive them, beloved, as Christ forgave you– for their soul, too, is beloved to God. Be humble, be merciful, be hopeful, be loving. Put them in God’s care, and tell Him how much you love them and desire their salvation– not for your own sake, but for His, because they may never convert in this life until the last moment. You may never be on “friendly terms” with them until heaven. No matter. Love hopes all things, with no self-interest, and rejoices in the salvation of all, for the love of God Who Is Love.

Pray for those who persecute and insult and hate you. Pray for their hearts to be delivered from evil and brought to God. Pray for all souls to know His mercy, especially those who need it the most. God can soften even a heart of steel. Have faith in this, and pray.



Renunciation of Peter (Fragment), 1311, Duccio di Buoninsegna

He still has his halo, but it is obscured– even as his feet are stretched out towards the flame. There is a powerful sermon in those details alone.



catholic-persephone:

To my fellow Christians, do you guys think we should reply or talk back (not harshly, but just to state or correct) professors during classes? And also to participate in general presenting another point of view? Or should we remain as the others and just pretend we are also insane and agree with everything?? Lol

As G.K Chesterton wisely said: “You cannot love a thing without wanting to fight for it.” In other words, we must be willing to defend the honor of our beloved, or we have no honest right to call them beloved.

I, too, decry the use of harshness and similar rudeness in our responses to others, especially those in authority. Like Christ, we must speak firmly but gently, respectfully but with integrity. We must not bend to spiritual cowardice or laxity.

If we feel our conscience prickling in response to a professor’s statement– or anyone’s statement, regardless of professional context– we have a moral duty TO act upon that and speak up– again, not for our own sake, but for the sake of our Christian faith. Likewise, participation in the general “sharing of viewpoints” is arguably critical in this confused and relativistic age, when your voice may be the only one willing or able to contribute a Christian viewpoint.

Pretense is a form of dishonesty, and an insidiously corruptive one at that. All dishonesty comes from the evil one. The world is mournfully insane enough; to surrender yourself even to the appearance of it is arguably a sin of omission with gravely dampening effects on the Spirit’s fire in your soul. Enough pretense and you will forget the truth of who you are, which is ultimately anchored in Christ. So too does an admittedly spineless “agreeing with everything” attitude cloud your moral compass and rot your sense of fortitude and religious honor– I repeat, “we must fight for what we love,” if we truly love it, for all love will suffer from the cruel forces of hell… and what lover can bear to see his beloved so oppressed, attacked, mocked, wronged, and ignored? The one in love does not think of himself; he has no fear of ridicule, nor is he intimidated into hiding or diminishing his loyalty. He humbly yet faithfully rises to the challenge, and the purity of his heart will lead him to victory.

This may seem an overzealous response to such an everyday question, but that is in fact why I risk the appearance of excess. This is an everyday battlefield. This is one of those unassuming crossroads of character that we encounter regularly yet ignorantly, not discerning the ever-present stakes, the constant tug-of-war between God and Self in our lives, between the militant devotion of faith and the insouciance of the lukewarm soul. We must be vigilant, for evil never ceases to hunt us. We must be ever ready and willing to face the world and its liar Prince with swords drawn and hearts afire, saying with our Savior that “It is written and forever remains written, ‘YOU SHALL WORSHIP THE LORD YOUR GOD AND SERVE ONLY HIM.’” (Luke 4:8)

“…For whoever denies and disowns Me for fear of men, I shall also deny before My Father and His angels in Heaven!” (Matthew 10:33; Luke 12:9)



“How can we understand forgiveness if we haven’t recognized the depth of our sin?”
- John Henry Newman

Truly, forgiveness means very little to one who feels he has no need of it– such a one may even feel offended at the implication that they have done something that needs to be forgiven.

Unless we are humbled– even crushed– enough to both see and admit our great sinfulness and need of forgiveness– unless we realize that we absolutely deserve to be crucified for our evil deeds, we will not, and cannot, understand the staggering mercy and love of God through Christ’s saving death in our place.

Our faith is a terribly beautiful paradox in this: that the greatest of all miseries– our contrite cognizance of how we have offended God– leads to the greatest of all joys… hearing our Savior say from the bloody Cross, “I forgive you.”


filmnoirsbian:

I love how quick people are to band together. Strangers waiting in line, strangers in an elevator, strangers at a concert, strangers in a public restroom, strangers in an airport, strangers on a bus…literally all it takes is one shared glance and we develop a sense of comraderie 🫂

Human hearts are made for relationship, and it’s beautiful to see them bloom so swiftly and sincerely. Even if you never meet again in this world, your souls have spoken, and that touch lasts forever.

Human connections, however brief, are golden sweet things. Beloved, make some today, in that very motivation of love. Smile, say hello, wave to a child, even talk about the weather. Just reach out and touch their heart, genuinely, even for a moment. Treasure that person. Glimpse their full life and potential in that heartbeat of time. Love them, and then let them go on too. Life is all about that shared camaraderie, and it will enrich your days like endless flowers. Give a stranger a bouquet today.


#we are made for love by Love


koinohnia:

Don’t worry about money or provision just keep God first and seek Him always.

Believe me, He will provide– if not financially, then with grace and spiritual support nevertheless. Eternal life is more important, and God will prioritize that– thanks be to Him– as we also must. So trust His judgment. Seek Him first, seek Him only, and He will take care of the details.



llleighsmith:

i’m so thankful we’re alive to smell flowers and touch saltwater and get chilled in the breeze and take deep breaths and make foods warm with love and dance and laugh and move and wake up and dig our hands in dirt and eat strawberries and draw mindlessly and remember and sing and joke and walk down the same street again and again and make meaning. we are so lucky we get to be and feel and keep going

God has created a truly beautiful world, yet it is only a pale glimpse of the undiluted blissful purity of heaven. May we treasure our short time on this fragile and precious earth, living our equally fragile and precious lives with charity and compassion and mercy for both it and each other, seeking always to preserve and protect and promote beauty in every action, in every moment.

There are flowers and oceans and gentle breezes, dirt and strawberries and sunlit streets, music and memories and much much more. There are people. There is you. Life is so wonderfully rich in loveliness and we must live in constant recognition and gratitude for it, while never losing hope and direction towards what further love awaits our tender souls after death. This is how Christ Himself lived– God Who became human in order to laugh and breathe and eat and cry and pray– who built furniture and broke bread and hugged children and healed lepers and died to take away our sins, so we could live our lives today with a fuller and brighter joy, with a stronger and truer hope, with steadfast faith and ardent love. Christ loved being human, and He loves humans, and He wants us to be fully human, and so we should imitate His heartfelt and holy life. That includes dirt and flowers and strawberries. That includes singing and sleeping and feeling. Do not worry, child. There is more loveliness to be found in His footsteps than you can ever imagine.

How lucky we are to have this life, this time, this world. How blessed we are to have a Savior Who made it all and shares in it with us as our friend… and how joyous we are to have the constant hope and promise of heaven with Him in the end. That is true life– here, and hereafter. God loves you all.

Everything that is, is because of God’s Will. He orchestrates the universe’s heart. Let that touch yours, as you look at the cosmos around you. It’s all God’s choice. You are, too.
 


“God is love, and all his operations proceed from love.”

— St. Lawrence of Brindisi

All means all. Remember this in your darkest days– God is still in control, and everything He orders and allows will and does serve His purposes of Love. It is His nature, His essence; it cannot be otherwise! So fear not. God is Love, forever and always and in all ways.


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This prayer has me honestly weeping. It is heart-achingly beautiful.

Dear Saint Mary Madalene, pray for us, your poor sinful siblings, by the grace of the One Who you love so much! Remind our wounded souls that, as He healed you, so shall He heal us, who also seek Him in our sorrows. Help us to always remember the tenderness of His mercy and love, and to never despair, even when we too stand at the tomb. There is always an Easter morning. May God bless us with the grace to meet you, and Him, there.



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Steel pilgrimage amulet/souvenir depicting Mary Magdalene, Mary of Egypt, and the Virgin Mary found in the River Thames in London, England, c. 1400-1700. [2832x3969]

My three Marys!! Oh wow. Found in a river, too… almost lost, but never forgotten by God. That’s the hope that Mary Magdalene & Mary of Egypt both exemplify for me– no matter how deep and turbulent and persistent a sin may be, its rough and choking waters will be forever stilled by Christ, Who calms every storm, Whose Heart is the purest ocean of Mercy. And Mary Our Mother, Star of the Sea, leads us to Him out of our muddy mires, never abandoning her children, but guiding them with tender care.

That all just pierces my heart with such aching tender love. I am so glad this was recovered and shared with the faithful.

Saint Mary Magdalene, Saint Mary of Egypt, Our Blessed Mother Mary– pray for us poor sinners still drowning here, and seeking the shores of heaven! Continue to intercede for us until the day we stand safely alongside you in heaven, in the warmth of Our Savior’s Love!



ashstfu:

people are so lovely‼️ they do these ordinary and mundane things like someone is walking hand in hand with their lover and someone is helping a blind old lady cross the road and someone is dancing in the rain with their best friend and someone is helping a little girl find her mother on a crowded playground and someone’s cat is lying next to them on the couch snoring loudly and it’s adorable and someone is dancing to music alone in their room and someone just went into a bakery and is deeply inhaling the sweet smell of freshly baked bread and a little kid is waiting for his grandpa to pick him up and someone is making dinner for their family while singing their favorite song and someone just confessed their love to someone and someone is talking about something they love with a sparkle in their eyes and you’re reading this and you are alive and you are loved, everything will be fine, you’ll be okay and you’ll be happy

There is such sweet tenderness to just being human.

Treasure people. Really see them, and be grateful for them, and love them. That's what the heart of life sings about. God created us to love-- to love Him and to love the planet and to love people-- and really, that's the most beautiful truth. We're all included. We're all wrapped up in that beloved cosmic embrace, forever. In the end, there's only love. Take comfort in that. It will carry you, so you can carry others too-- gently, joyfully.

We will all be okay, held so closely to each others hearts.

Be human. Be loving.

 




082421

Aug. 24th, 2021 02:00 am
prismaticbleed: (held)

Last night, I begged God to kill me.

I had had enough. My dietary struggles-- constant electrolyte imbalances, the blood sugar spikes and crashes, the myriad intolerances, the allergies, the stiff and inflamed joints, the bowel troubles, the cramps and bloating and pain and reflux, and above all the vomiting-- had become so unbearably inevitable that I just… gave up. "Take me home," I sobbed to the Jesus picture taped up in the hallway, hands pressed desperately against His paper scars. "I'm done. I can't live like this anymore. I don't know how to live. Please, just take me home to be with You. I don't want to live anymore." So on and so forth. I was finished. I saw no future, I had no hope, I wanted to be done at 31 like Saint Rose of Lima. Everything but death was a dead end to me, last night.

I remember asking God that if it were possible, to somehow help me survive until at least Christmas, so I could celebrate that beloved holiday and then die on the Feast of the Holy Innocents, three days later. That would be fine. I'd die in the church, or in the snow, and I'd be happy; I'd have sung at midnight mass and I'd have seen the tree and heard the carols and been blessed with all the gorgeous little gems of winter. As long as I had received the Sacraments, then, I could die happy. I was totally resigned to that.

I woke up this morning, and without even realizing it, something had changed in me.

I split my meal times up dramatically. I had 4 tbsp of hempseeds at 7:15, and packed the second 4 to eat in two hours. I cut an avocado in half and did the same-- packed it up, to eat at two more intervals after. I got into my red & white outfit and headed off to my gastroenterology appointment.

It was the first time I've been to such an appointment without pain. That struck me as I walked out of the exam, not having had any new meds prescribed for the first time in ages either. Despite the digestive hell of the past month, I wasn't in any pain at the moment, at all. I felt okay. And that was notable.

Furthermore, the doc said I actually am not lactose intolerant. I actually have the enzymes needed to digest it, according to lab results; the problem is IBS intolerance. It's the same thing with blood sugar-- I am not chronically hypoglycemic, nor am I diabetic. I'm possibly not allergic to shellfish, my liver cysts are benign, and my gallbladder looks absolutely fine as well. So… thank you, God.

I walked out of the appointment at 9, and as I stood in line I noticed that everyone else was fidgeting and/or complaining, checking their watches, etc. It surprised me. Are people commonly that bothered by having to wait? I wanted to exclaim, "if we didn't have to wait for things, patience wouldn't be a virtue" but the words didn't sound right and I didn't want to make anyone there even grouchier when it came to patience. I just… wanted to take a stand against that subtle opposing vice. "We're right where God wants us to be, right now," I thought. "There's no need to hurry. We'll get to the next place on God's timing too." The clock does not revolve around us; billions of other human beings have their divine schedules mapped out through timespace like ethereal threads and we must accept our place in that cosmic tapestry, weaving in and out of each other's paths, content in that dance and not demanding that anyone make way for our rebellious beeline to nowhere. "Look at it this way-- when we have to wait in line, we get to practice patience. Virtues need to be tested in order to grow. You can't be patient unless you've had the opportunity to be im patient." Et cetera. L'esprit de escalier. I wished the man ahead of me a good day and headed off to my car, my conscience a see-saw, knowing I should have defended the Christian behavioral choice but also knowing that my words had been poorly unplanned and my anxiety barred the Holy Spirit from speaking up instead. I resolved to be more aware, more open to inspiration, in the future-- to not close up in self-conscious silence, effectively a sin of omission. But I myself stood still, and smiled, and offered a kind hello and gentle manners, hoping to attest to patience nevertheless, even if I hadn't taken the chance to preach. Perhaps actions still speak louder than words in such situations.

So I had a clean bill of health this morning, with no upcoming appointments needed, the first time for that too. I still had bloodwork at 11:30 to check my metabolic panel, but there was plenty of time to spare between now and then.

I cannot quite remember what I did next. I know I stopped at the bank, and then I ran home briefly to make sure grandma took her ibuprofen and also to brush my teeth after eating my second serving of hemp seeds. However I also grabbed my three S.O.S. electrolyte boxes from the closet, in order to return them-- I actually brought one box with me in my car, and put two packets into my Power Water, but I forgot that-- possibly because of the maltodextrin-- my stomach really does not like it. It causes immediate pain and nausea and burping, and that is not worth the trouble, especially when I get better nutrition for a better deal with Ultima now. So I headed back off to Wal-Mart.

Here I have to interject again. I had four boxes, minus two packets. I knew I was never going to use that fourth box. But I couldn't return it missing. So, I found an Ensure electrolyte stick in my purse and stuck it in there instead. Dishonest? I hope not. My conscience is still prickling me about it. I returned that edited box because 1) someone else can still use the 8 packets plus the odd one out, 2) I did my best to restore the item with what I had, not intending to cheat the buyer, and 3) that return would be at extra six dollars with which I could buy house groceries. And that is where my conscience pokes me hard. "You're still thinking too much about the money, " it warns. "You're not thinking about the objective, context-free morality of your actions. You're focusing on whether or not there's a profit to them, the ends justifying the not-so-pretty means. That's mammon. You have to stop thinking that way."

So I was haunted. Where to go when you're feeling low in the soul?

CHURCH.

I went straight to Saint John's.

God bless them, their doors are finally open again. The second I walked in, the heavenly scent of incense hit me like a truck and I nearly sobbed, "I'm home."

I spent… a half hour? Just… being there. I love that church so much. It feels like my soul. It's so big and quiet and full of raw ambient sunlight and shadow and cold white marble and warm humble wood, full of glass and candles and flowers and gold. It's the only church I've been to-- besides the Basilica in D.C. which I WILL live at one day if at all possible-- that feels so close to my heart. I am profoundly blessed that it is so close to my house as well.

When I first walked in, though, I had to use their restroom, which was not a problem-- it's this oddly sweet little old room with tile and a stained glass window of Saint Joseph, and I always feel safe in tiny interim spaces like that. While there, though, in a sudden fit of deep affection I actually clambered up on top of the sink and toilet tank with a wet paper towel to clean the years of dust off his hands, feet, face, and halo. So now when you look up at him, he glows. It's the least I can do for my heavenly foster dad, after all. I love him very much.

I went into the main church after that-- after a joyful gasp at realizing the doors to the central inside were also open-- and immediately got caught up in the Pieta statue by the door.

Mary is weeping, her right hand tangled in Christ's hair, fingers pressed to his cheek, her left hand holding his lifeless body to hers. Her eyes are purple-blue and she is so sad, with a shocking keenness to it that speaks of acute heartbreak, not just deep blue mourning; there is a white-hot sword plunged through her heart and it bleeds out through her tears.

Christ Himself is bleeding, the statue actually depicting embossed blood drops from His wounds, which I touched and shook. His hand is limp, the fingers beginning to curl in, the nail wound bruising blue around the edges, and I grabbed that hand in both of my own and just held it. I thought, "I've never held someone's hand like this before." It was a shockingly intimate gesture on my part, new and profound. I stood there for a while, like that. Christ's eyes are half closed, unfocused, poured-out exhausted from the unbearable pain that has now stopped and left Him drained entirely. His mouth is slightly open, His teeth even visible in the statue, another tiny display of total vulnerability that struck me to the core. This is God, lying here in His sobbing mother's arms. This is God, His skin torn and ragged and pale, His bones all worn out, His face so beaten and sad and tired. That statue is a thousand sermons to itself. I can still see it clear as day in my mind.

I forget how and when I moved on but I did. I looked up to see another statue of Mary, her eyes raised to heaven, a statue I am fond of because it always seems to catch the beams of sunlight streaming in from outside. I talked/prayed to her for a bit, and at one point I was asking for the grace to suffer more for God, and it got sunny to the point where everything looked golden. I took this as a "sign from God" that this was the "right track" for prayer, and I continued, somewhat foolhardily perhaps, and added that I "wanted to bleed for Him." At that the light got cloudy again. Hesitating with worry, I pondered this for a moment, and sensed that it had been spoken out of a sort of pride or self-centeredness-- out of my personal "aesthetic obsession" with blood and suffering in a different sense than the selflessly sacrificial. So I then re-centered my heart and rephrased my request-- "I want to let Christ bleed through me." And the sun came back . …So I will definitely be reflecting on that whole exchange for a while.

I prayed before the altar for a bit. I cannot reiterate my exact words, nor would it be proper to. But I can feel and smell and hear and see and taste everything about it in my heart even now. I'm more real in church than I am anywhere else.

I do remember my closing prayer. Still remembering the clouds earlier, I emptied that worry before God, and said-- "Whatever I am, You made me. Whatever I can do, You gave me the ability to do. I am your Dream-walker. I am your Heart-singer. You have given me my purpose, for Your glory. You have given me the ones I love, to bring me closer to You. And if I am to love You more truly, and if I, too, am to me your angel, a messenger of Your love to others-- then please, I beg of You-- give me the grace to live every moment of my life for Your sake, for Your glory, and for Your love. In all my life, may Your will be done." That was the gist of it. I felt shaky afterwards, always feeling "stupid" for "bringing headspace into this," but there was no guilt, only self-conscious "shame" for "being unique." But God made me an "us" and we ALL know that it is for His glory so praying about it only makes perfect sense. I do have to dedicate an entire entry to that train of thought soon, to be honest-- not now, as it's late and I have to be up early again-- but that's a note, to remember.

I then did a little bit of "exploring" around the main area of the church; I found the stairs up to the choir loft, a back entrance to the sacristy, stairs down to what I assume is a storage room, and little bits of stained glass in all those places. I passed the statue of Saint Joseph with his lilies and I felt such a wave of filial affection, I nearly teared up. He feels like a dad to me now, possibly because of the consecration I did in the hospital back in the spring. I prayed that he help me continue to consecrate myself to his wife. I prayed to Saint Ann at her statue, and to the child Mary, asking for them to help me love my mother the way Mary loved hers, and for Anne to bless my own grandmother the way Christ blessed her. I walked down the aisle and just took in the light and the silence and the color and the holiness. In a second fit of love I dunked both my hands entirely into the holy water and asked God to
bless all that I did with them, then I made a very wet sign of the cross and asked God furthermore to bless "everyone in here"-- the entire System, all of us, for His sake.

I blessed my mouth too, asking for blessings on my dietary struggle, for cleanness and edification of speech, and… for purity of love, too, with the one who tastes like river water, who is now also effectively holy water himself on a spiritual level (and literally so if I can get a priest to do the job). But I clearly remember saying "he is a messenger from you, God, and I must be the same to him in return" and feeling the weight of that, as well as the joy and the love … all marriages are meant, first and foremost, for the glory of God, and in that inevitable liquid intersection between blessing and beloved I prayed for us with as much sincerity as I could muster.

I stopped at the tiny underground chapel before I left, with spirit-push #3 dropping a tenner into the donation box to light three of those gorgeous red candles I love so much. I asked Saint Therese to send me a rose "with a message of love from God," told the Infant Jesus that I was sorry for "taking back that ring" when I moved to Charlotte and begging forgiveness for that scandalous act, asking again for blessings on my "marriage" but also imploring that "before I am bound to anyone else, I must be bound to You." I prayed to Mary, my mom, looking so young in her heavenly blues, asking her to guide and protect me, her daughter, to also be a handmaiden of the Lord, to live as a holy woman in imitation of her, to learn to love my earthly mother with more sincerity, and to be a "spiritual mother" myself in helping Christ be "reborn" in my own flesh, to bring Him more fully into the world anew, to bring about His Kingdom in my own life.

I went to the statue of Jesus and I just… felt His scars. It blew my mind. It made my heart shiver with holy fear.


I wanted to check produce prices at Schiffs, to see if I could go there instead of ShopRite from now on, but as I headed that way I realized, "wait a second. The little local farmer's market is open today, isn't it?"

So I went back to Schiffs, now looking for lettuce prices, but I had no luck on anything-- they didn't even have organic produce. So I just grabbed a bunch of bananas to get cash back and headed back to the market, where I got two green leaf lettuces, two zucchini, and one purple bell pepper. Yes, purple! Then I went to the library next door but they were inexplicably closed for a week starting today , so I wished the other girl there (who apparently just found that out too) a good day and headed back down the road for bloodwork.

I was in and out of the office so fast I swear I didn't even get to turn on my phone, haha. Which was nice! So I immediately headed across the river to the other local library, still hoping to grab a mythology book for research if it was God's will for there to be one there… and there wasn't. Long story short, that other library is super tiny and their selection of nonfiction is too; I ended up just checking out the graphic novel shelf and was deeply disappointed to see it 85% Marvel and 10% blatant paganism. The other 5% was Land of Oz adaptations, which I spent 15 minutes flipping through and being equally disappointed that it struck me now as just… fluff. Perhaps "fun" to read, on some level, but a waste of time for me. My maturing "memento mori" mindset has really started to scour the edges off my mind and I no longer have any time for time-killers, thank God since I'm still a Celebi deep down anyway.

I ate my last bit of avocado as I drove by the river (accidentally on a one-way residential street… sorry about that) and headed to Redner's and Goodwill to finish up my errands.

As I drove the back road to get there, though, my heart broke to realize that Our Lady of Mount Carmel JUST finished their 11:30 mass. I had FORGOTTEN they had one-- how wonderful it would have been to have gone there instead of the darned library! It made me sick at heart. I need to type up a mass schedule and keep it in my car, so I ALWAYS know where I can go to be with Our Lord.

Goodwill had no new stuff, and I prayed that God find me a white long-sleeve sheer top to wear with my skirts, but over a colored tank, for modesty but also avoiding heat exhaustion. However there were no crisp white anythings, just two or three offwhite tops that were either skin-tight or overly huge. I started to check black but decided I didn't want to wear that color in summer, so I gave up and left, thanking God for His guidance nevertheless.

Redner's had everything I needed grocery-wise which was lovely. I got pudding & Lactaid for grandma, bok choy & oatmilk & vitamin waters for me, ice cream for the boys, and I think that's it? It was a small order, but a needed one.

I got home around 1:30, I think? I planned to start my salad immediately but of course there were SO MANY CHORES to do. So I took out the crudbuckets, took out and burned the garbages, wiped up the counters, did TWO SINKS full of dishes, washed and dried a load of laundry (but put them aside to hang for later)… it’s a bit of a blur! But inbetween I did chop up my carrots and zucchini and pepper so I was eating something as I worked-- I was already getting muscle spasms and I didn't know if that was hypoglycemia or heat exhaustion from the oven-hot car or both. I downed a small Gatorade with 2 Ultima scoops in it almost immediately, haha.

Grandma had a sudden craving for a hot dog with sauerkraut around 2:30 (I remember because FATHER MITCH was on), and I told her "give me fifteen minutes" and I literally zoomed straight up to Walmart in shorts. I grabbed potato buns, turkey dogs, ketchup, mustard, an onion, cheese slices, chili, and sauerkraut, and within 20 minutes I was back in the kitchen with the goods-- only to find my brother Chris struggling to put a tray of pulled pork in the oven and anxious because it wouldn't be done and ready in time for him to eat before work. So, uh, "do you want a hot dog?" And thus I began making three hot dogs, haha. I fried up the sauerkraut with onion & butter & honey as I do, heated up the dogs and chili, and got some pickles out too. I made the food and served both Chris and grandma and they both said they were delicious, so that made me super happy. I love taking care of people, but I never want to give anyone bad food! So when they enjoy a meal
that I make, I not only feel trusted and useful, but I know they are getting not only nourishment and enjoyment but love from that little plate and it just warms my heart. I think it's a woman's mothering instinct, haha. It's a good thing.

Oh yeah! I got two extra things at Walmart that I forgot about because I paid for them separate-- a bag of quinoa/pea protein powder, and a little tin of smoked rainbow trout, also for protein. I figured, hey, I need more protein in my diet, why not start now, since the day has been literally FLAWLESS so far as diet is concerned? And so I did! I put three scoops in with the salad and put the fish aside for Friday, mixed it all with curry powder and salt and pepper and… did more dishes. XD I'm sorry dude. I don't mind though, it kept me nicely busy.


But. At one point I had to get a bedpad for grandma from the clothesline, and decided to burn the remaining two garbage bags to clean up the porch, and… that's why I'm typing tonight.

For some reason, when I went back out there, heartspace opened up.

I think it was the fire, simple as that. I think it was just handling matches and dancing around the smoke and the sunlight and looking up at the sparkling green trees all around, and it just reached in deep and before I knew it I was talking to my friends, to my beloved.

Chaos Zero wanted a blackberry. Just one, off the hill, if I found one. So I went looking, and… there was exactly one, but on the very top of the path, a great deal of brush between it and me. Chaos, as excited as the Chao he is at heart, nudged me to go get it. I gently told him that I would, but I was wearing sandals and shorts and didn't want to get ticks. He understood this, and decided I shouldn't put my legs at such a bug risk, but I felt how enthused he had been about me getting him this single little berry from the hill and I just couldn't let him down. So I headed back onto the porch, and then without a word, I put my boots on.

"Do not underestimate my love," I said, and joyfully stomped on back over to the hill. (When I reached it, I got a split-second mental image of Chaos just looking at me with the sappiest smile on his face, then turning to Genesis and just saying, "That's my wife." Genesis nodded knowingly, replying "You got a good wife." help my heart is MELTING)

Going straight up, I grabbed the berry-- only to find that it was not only the ONLY berry around, but the LAST berry in general; all the others were withered and gray and dead. Unfortunately this berry also paid the price of approaching autumn, as it was only three cells barely clinging together. I showed Chaos, and he decided we shouldn't eat it-- we tossed it deeper into the woods instead, with the hope it would re-seed somehow and bring more life out of that fruit's final push against death. CZ was quite satisfied at this, as was I, but I still felt sad that the berry was neither eaten nor shared, as that's special too. So I asked Chaos if he would like some blueberries instead. His eyes lit up at that as he agreed, so I went and picked exactly ten of them, offering him two at a time, the last two which he practically bit out of my hand, haha. (That's a very Genesis thing too.) But it was so sweet and simple, the two of us just meandering around the edge of the woods picking blueberries as the golden hour settled in and the birds sang in the warm summer trees.

Walking past the fire on the way back towards the house, I was struck by how the smoke was catching the sunlight through the trees, giving them shimmering form, like hazy ribbons streaming down from heaven. The beauty plucked at my heartstrings on its own, but even as I stood and looked, Chaos put one oceanic hand on my incandescent shoulder and said, "that's you, too, you know. You make the light visible." I nearly cried, at that.

We went over to the pear tree then, and Laurie showed up, asking me what I was up to. I said I was picking pears, or at least, I would if there were some low enough to nab without a ladder today. Laurie and Genesis bantered a bit about this as they always do, and I managed to find one pear that I could get if I pulled one branch down a bit, so I did. I ate half of it as I wandered back around the yard, then decided that instead of eating the whole thing-- and possibly upsetting my stomach-- I'd plant the rest of it. So, between the two cherry trees, I stooped down and dug a little hole in the dirt with my nails (accidentally unearthing an earthworm, hello buddy) into which I placed the pear-bottom with its seeds, then covered it back up. The dirt had that heavy petrichor scent from the rain and it was all over my hands and I felt very real and alive.

I continued to wander around the back of the garden, looking at how it had overgrown (and at the swallowtails on the pink phlox), telling Laurie that I "still wanted to build a chapel beneath the pear tree," then decided to look for one more pear because why not. After a bit of searching we found one more tiny one (I think Genesis actually saw it), which I again ate half of before pitching the rest up into Diamew, to a fate only God knows-- to be eaten or seeded or both. Then, realizing I really should eat my actual dinner, I headed back into the house.

… I still didn't eat dinner, haha. I put in another load of laundry and did more dishes and took care of grandma and then I got to finish my salad. However my body was so psyched that I had EATEN for the first time in literal months (outside the hospital), that it actually got hungry and so I decided to nibble on bok choy and carrots and an entire cucumber until it decided it was full. Also it was craving mustard?? So we had mustard on romaine lettuce, haha. It worked! Nevertheless I was talking to my guardian angel the whole time to make sure I had permission to eat those foods, and to make sure I didn't go overboard, and everything worked out perfectly.

So then I brushed my teeth, washed up and got dressed, and then put on Spotify to go hang up all that laundry on the porch.
When that was done, I did more dishes, wiped up the floor, made more hot dogs for Blase to eat for dinner (as mom never showed up to feed him), cleaned up some of the refrigerator for space, planned my schedule for tomorrow, and now I'm here. Typing! And very tired! I wanted to go on the bike for an hour but honestly, I was on my feet for a great deal of the day and I don't feel like sweating out all my potassium before bed again, so… I'll just bike for 15 minutes, haha. Can't break the habit, that's important.


But yeah. I prayed to die, and… well, God answers prayers. Something died last night, but it wasn't my soul, and in the morning I found hope resurrected.

So thanks be to God. Thank you Jesus, thank you Mary my mother, thank you
Saint Dismas who I always ask to pray for me, thank you Saint Rose of Lima who I know had something to do with this, thank you guardian angel who always strives to keep me on the straight and narrow and never gives up on me. Thank you God, for it all.

Yes I'm exhausted but I'm happy. I'm loved and I CAN love and I have HOPE and I just want to cry from the joy of it all, yes I know suffering will return in due time because that is blessed too but today showed me that I don't have to suffer from sinfully poor choices anymore. I can handle pain if it's for love, God knows, God graces. And so when it is time for that, I pray I can face it with a heart still full of this same faithful joy, full of this same loving hope.

Until then… I'm going to go bike, then collapse into bed and wrap my aching arms around Chaos Zero and sleep. It's the little blessings that mean the most, really. Tiny blessed things. Blueberries and grandma snoring and impromptu hot dogs and smiles exchanged with strangers at the farmer's market. Earthworms and lemon balm in the garden and folding my brother's socks and having people to dry dishes for. I'm just… I'm glad I'm alive, for as long as God wants me to be, now that I see what life is. Christ incarnated into this same simple sacred life. I must live according to that truth as long as I am incarnate, too… after all, if I do, I will only ever have good days, no matter what.

 

prismaticbleed: (angel)


notes written in the margins of "seven last words" by james martin, s.j., while in the hospital.
some notes have been expanded for the sake of heartfelt elaboration.



1) "When the sick encountered [Jesus], they were healed of their illnesses... when the poor encountered Him, the Good News was preached to them."
+ Money is NOT healing-- but total dependence on God's Providence IS. Jesus STILL "healed" their poverty by turning it from lack into RICHES IN GOD.

2) "...Jesus says... "Whoever does the will of God is my brother and sister and mother.""

+ This is SUPER DEEP-- we, NOW, still bring Christ into the world, and are linked to Him BY BLOOD!

3) "[This statement] expresses an alienation, or even separation, on Jesus's part from His own family."

+ Ironically EXPANDING His family beyond mere genetics, to a truer family born from LOVE OF GOD THE FATHER!!

4) "Now [on the Cross] Jesus goes to [the Father for comfort] and feels alone. It may be the loneliest any human being has ever felt."

+ But, for our sake, for His love of us, He HAD to understand that; how else could He ever offer consolation to lonely believers, if He didn't know this suffering firsthand? (EMOTIONAL INTIMACY)

5) "...This [dark night of the soul] moves close to, but does not accept, despair. In time... this searing experience [becomes] an invitation to unite [oneself] more closely with Jesus in His abandonment on the Cross and with the poor, who also feel abandoned."
+ Like all temptation, only ACCEPTANCE of the creeping despair is fatal!
+ The "dark night" teaches us profound, direct empathy, and such close empathy DEEPENS LOVE and makes it TRULY SINCERE!

6) "[Mother Teresa] made a radical act of fidelity based on a relationship she still believed in-- even if she could not sense God's presence. She trusted [her] earlier experience [of His Love]. In other words, she had faith.
+ THIS IS MY ENTIRE LIFE concerning love, and the fact that GOD GETS IT means the world to my poor heart, aching yet faithful.

7) "...Jesus understands... our spiritual suffering in these feelings of abandonment. He was like us in all things, except sin, and He experienced all that we do... you are praying to someone [Who] understands you fully."
+ A VITAL REMINDER that having such feelings ARE NOT SINS. Just do not give in; do not despair! Christ is our model and our hope in ALL distresses!
+ Jesus understands ALL of our human struggles. Reflect on this PROFOUNDLY.

8) "The Risen Christ carries within Himself the experiences of His humanity, and that includes suffering. Remember that in one of His first appearances after the Resurrection He showed the disciples His Wounds."
+ This means SO MUCH to me. I remember once being told that there was "no suffering in heaven" and jumping to the terrible conclusion that all of my scars of love would be erased. Jesus is LIVING PROOF of the TOTAL OPPOSITE. "Suffering teaches you to love," and "the greater the suffering, the purer the love." True, there is no active suffering in heaven, but the marks it left in our hearts remain as a testament TO THE LOVE IT ACTUALIZED. THAT is what I always knew, deep down-- that pain suffered for the beloved is not pain at all in the end, but even deeper love.

9) "The Risen Christ remembers His Suffering."

+ That is HUGELY IMPORTANT. His Resurrection DOES NOT ERASE HIS PAIN, of body, mind, and soul. BUT it TRANSMUTES it, mysteriously, without invalidating or mitigating it. The pain stays, and yet it becomes something else, something divinized, something extant within LIFE instead of death... and we can hope in that, too. But even then, the scars stay. And I, personally, thank God for that.

10) "God wants you to pray to Him. God desires a relationship with you, so much so that God came down to earth and suffered physically for you."

+ THESE ARE LINKED. LOVE SUFFERS FOR THE BELOVED, and THEREFORE, ANY TRUE & HEARTFELT RELATIONSHIP MUST HAVE A CORE OF SUCH GENUINE PAIN-MARKED EMPATHY-- FOR WITHOUT WOUNDS, THERE IS NO INTIMACY.

11) "It's important to meditate on [the unanswered] questions [about Jesus's feelings on the Cross], for they invite us into a deeper understanding of Jesus, and therefore a deeper relationship with Him."

+ Such wondering is not inherently heretical, if one with reverence. We SHOULD think about Jesus more often like this-- not as just in "rote memory" of the Gospels, but also in genuinely IMAGINING Him AS A LIVING PERSON-- as in the Spiritual Exercises of Saint Ignatius. Only then can Christ become a true part of our inner life, as it were. We often wonder, "what was it like for Him?" BUT you must "BE THERE" to "get an answer!" You must imagine yourself THERE, with Him, transcending space and time-- you must SEE WITH YOUR HEART!!

12) "Jesus... may have wondered what was going to happen to His disciples after His death. Would they continue to strive to live as He did? Would they put into practice His Words? Would they believe in the miracles they had witnessed? Would they love one another?"

+ WE, TOO, MUST DO ALL OF THIS NOW, ESPECIALLY WHEN THE WORLD INSISTS JESUS IS STILL DEAD! Our lives MUST be living testaments TO HIS LIFE-- a Life that CONTINUES NOW, both in His Resurrection AND IN THE CHURCH. Good Friday finds its real meaning in Easter Sunday, for both Him and for us... without the latter, you will never see the true depths and purpose and victory of the former. We have seen and believe: "Death has NO power over Him!!" And WE MUST BE HIS BODY, IN ALL WE DO.

13) "...God can use everything we bring to Him and magnify it-- even our dashed hopes."

+ This has always blown my mind-- our judgments and inability CANNOT AND DOES NOT HINDER GOD'S OMNIPOTENCE! To Him, it's all just RAW CREATIVE MATTER-- raw potential! And HE CAN AND WILL RESHAPE IT into something greater, IF WE GIVE HIM THE MATERIALS!!

14) "We may feel that hope is dead, but God is the source of all hope!"

+ This is KEY because PURE HOPE HAS NO OBJECT BUT GOD; otherwise, it's just a self-oriented wish. REAL hope banks EVERYTHING on God's Will, and TOTALLY SURRENDERS TO IT-- even, and especially, when all earthly hope is gone.

15) "Gethsemane is one of the clearest windows into [Jesus's] humanity, for Jesus doesn't immediately say, "Oh yes, God, whatever You want." No, first He says, "Remove this cup from me." Only then does He say, "yet, not what I want, but what You want." This is an utterly human response to impending suffering."
+ Such a quick, "automatic" response as the first example, however ostensibly pious, is more robotic than human as it doesn't consider FREEWILL OR EMOTION. Jesus was HONEST & OPEN about His fears, to the point of pleading total deliverance... BUT, HE STILL SURRENDERED!!! HIS LOVE WAS GREATER THAN HIS FEAR, and THAT is what both allowed Him TO be so candid with His Father, AND to nevertheless trust in HIS understanding Love so completely AS to surrender so entirely to EVEN what He feared!!

16) "...Jesus gave of His Body in another way [than the Cross] during His time on earth. He took His body throughout the land... He [was constantly giving] of Himself in His public ministry."
+ Remember: You CANNOT genuinely love ANYONE unless you love GOD FIRST... AND you must ALSO love God IN LOVING PEOPLE! Otherwise "love" loses its divine connection and risks becoming carnal and self-serving-- pride & ambition & praise-seeking disguised as love. In giving yourself to help others, you MUST ultimately and CONSCIOUSLY be giving yourself TO GOD first, through that act, or it will be tiring and spiritually hollow. ONLY LOVE TRULY FULFILLS THE LAW; ONLY FAITH MAKES ONE'S DEEDS RIGHTEOUS!

17) "...We usually withhold a part of ourselves from God... but we are asked to turn it all over to God, [and to surrender] to the future God has in store for us... as Jesus did. What will happen when we surrender? We don't know."

+ But trusting love means we don't need to. TRUST GOD. He knows what's best for our soul, ALWAYS. As for the holding nothing back, THAT is also our Gethsemane. Jesus did not hide His fears, doubt, or pain! His Self-gift was ABSOLUTE, and because of that, God could use His Life ABSOLUTELY. We cannot lose anything by giving it to God-- truly, giving Him our ugly parts ALLOWS Him to heal & fix & transmute them into beauty & peace! Don't be afraid of how ugly it is. God won't judge your worth by it. He loves you and can't wait to help you with that thing! Besides-- those damaged parts of you NEED the love of God, His healing touch. If you want to have Him mend your soul, you must give Him ALL of it. Even a mechanic can't fix your car unless the whole thing is in the shop! So it is with God. He does nothing halfheartedly, so don't give Him only half of yours!

18) "The more we give of ourselves, the more we know who we are: the more we give of ourselves, the fuller lives we will lead."

+ We only SEE our true self BY "taking it out of ourselves." We do not shrink, but EXPAND, as we open our hearts.

19) "...When Jesus encountered suffering of any kind, His first response, after listening to the person's problems, was to alleviate the suffering."

+ HE'S STILL LIKE THIS, FOREVER. Jesus LISTENS, LOVES, & HEALS, no exceptions. The only thing that can prevent His work is OUR LACK OF FAITH-- closed hearts, eyes, ears, hands, & minds. He can only heal what you trustingly let Him touch.

20) "For those who were suffering at the time, an encounter with Jesus meant the end of suffering. So it is misleading to focus on Jesus's life as a kind of glorification of suffering or sadness."

+ Jesus DID suffer & mourn WITH OTHERS, but FOR THE SAKE OF LOVE, EMPATHY, & HEALING. He never left a hurting soul unhealed, IF they asked AND BELIEVED in His healing touch! If there was ever a time He did not relieve someone of their suffering-- like in His hometown, when He could not work miracles although He wanted to-- it was because He was coming up against a lack of faith, a lack of trust, a refusal in some way to open their heart to His love, to His joy. That is the very foundation of suffering, after all.

21) "Jesus's preaching was meant to bring joy to those who followed Him. His words, were, after all, Good News... He says, "I have said these things to you so that My joy may be in you..."

+ WHY DO WE FORGET THIS STUNNING FACT?? Why do we dwell so much on the "do nots" and warnings and criticisms, forgetting that they are only HALF of Jesus's message-- truly, they're meant only for those who REFUSE the joy & love of Christ! Is it just our keen awareness of our sin, our weakness, our propensity to fall? Yet Jesus SAYS, RIGHT HERE, that He tells us these things SO WE CAN SHARE HIS JOY!! He doesn't want to condemn us! He WANTS even those He rebukes to REPENT and leave their joyless ways behind! SAME WITH US. So do not despair. Christ comes to restore your hurting heart to joy-- His joy, true and real and forever.
+ JOY & SUFFERING DO NOT CANCEL EACH OTHER OUT!!! Honestly, they FULFILL each other mysteriously. Christ proves this to us! Suffering is human, Joy is DIVINE. And CHRIST UNITES THEM!!!

22) "...You are never alone in your suffering. The Risen Christ-- alive and present to us in the Holy Spirit-- is with you in your suffering. He is with you in His divinity-- that is, He knows all things and therefore understands your suffering fully. And He is with you in His humanity-- He experienced all of these things [personally]."
+ The phrasing of his is a GAME CHANGER for me; previously, the phrase "you're not alone" was empty & obligatory, with no real meaning-- not only that, but it didn't matter to me if I "wasn't alone," because even if I was in a room with three hundred people going through the same problem, they still didn't know MY suffering. I was still isolated, maybe even morseo, surrounded by people who "understood," because in the end, they don't. It just gets shoved through a filter, and everything gets confused. Sometimes it even feels violatory-- the pain is so close & personal & raw, that having someone else attempt to "empathize" can be traumatic, like they're trying to dig out my heart and claim it as their territory. BUT JESUS DOESN'T DO THAT. He doesn't stay separate. He doesn't guess or meddle. He IS WITH ME, IN MY HEART, AS I SUFFER. Saying I'm "never alone" with Jesus is not a paltry reminder that He's standing by in support, but a bold revelation that WE ARE IN THIS TOGETHER, as close as blood. The Holy Spirit sticks around. He gets it. He knows what I can't even express. And He LOVES ME EVEN THEN, as completely and honestly as I could ever be loved-- but not just as God. That would feel too distant to the most aching, lost soul. No, Christ also loves us humans as a human. That's STAGGERING. Our personal agonies are not just abstract ideas to Him. Our unique suffering is not too strange for Him to grasp. I repeat: HE GETS IT, because He TAKES OUR PERSONAL HUMANITY INTO HIS OWN and lives it WITH us, IN us, AS us even... but without sin. That's important. Sin won't admit pain. It's too proud, too arrogant, too hateful of heaven. It's only when we are stabbed by contrition that the pain crashes into us in waves, and we cry out to God... only to realize, in the depths of that sea of tears, that He is already holding our hand. 



CALYREX

Jul. 22nd, 2021 08:36 am
prismaticbleed: (Default)

Time to figure out my buddy CALYREX!!

Basic= GALAR region= gallant, gala, GALAHAD (King Arthur), HOLY GRAIL (ALL CHALICE INFO RELEVANT), & disease (Gaelic)

Dynamax curse= PAPILLOMAVIRUS HORNS!!!
✱ Based on UK, notably WALES, SCOTLAND, & the ISLE OF MAN. (+London, Bath, Liverpool, etc.)

✱ He is a WOLPERTINGER: a rabbit-deer. "General rule" is JAY WINGS, ROEBUCK ANTLERS, COTTON OR PHEASANT TAILS, & SABER FANGS. (fusion) (+duck feet?) "CHIMERICAL"?? They are very shy & live in dark Bavarian forests (conifers, rolling mountains, MASSIVE.) They have a weakness for female beauty and, like unicorns, can only be caught by a beautiful young woman-- ideally at night, on a full moon, in a secluded nook. "They... fall in love with human females."
✱ ARCTIC ones are "snow hare, polar fox, reindeer, & snow owl" fusions, "beautiful & deadly"
✱ Related to JACKALOPES? Shy unless approached, then deadly. POISON BITE? Can imitate the human voice!
✱ Wolpertingers are a GLOBAL phenomenon. "One must be drunk to see them"? Partial to drink (whiskey), too.
✱ "Warrior rabbits"! ALSO, HORNED RABBITS go way back, to Persia, Medieval manuscripts, etc.
✱ KAUYUMARI? "Blue deer" deity; seems to fit "life-bringer" "harrower of hell" tropes?? Antlers from RABBIT? ALSO ties to LIVE-GIVING BLOOD? (CHALICE! PLUS Kauyumari is tied to WATER?? ) + "Overwhelming perception" with which he "secures life" = the "divine essence in all things". = "NIERIKA": portal that CONNECTS THE (3) WORLDS = a mirror, holes carved in stone, EYE OF GOD, FACE OF DIVINE = most notably all refer to PEYOTE, "the visionary sacrament through which they can be in contact with the realm of the sacred" = "The intimate relationship between [plants & humans], evidenced by certain plants producing substances that can influence the depths of human mind & spirit" & "the wonderful/ dreadful effects prove their religious importance & the sacred respect they are due" effectively. Psychoactive plants have SACRAMENTAL purposes, + medicine! There are many, but we're focusing on PEYOTE: it is American (jackalopes) AND it blooms as a CACTUS, reminiscent in shape with Calyrex's head & notable as such.
✱ PRAYER BOWLS (chalices) & WHITE FLOWERS (life) tied to HOLY WORDS-- kept in a basket ("hamper" = "hanepier" = case for holding a CUP = "hanap" CHALICE) (But ALSO in medicine, "hanepier" = SKULL or HELMET) held by his ANTLERS, & received BY THE HEART. Again, there's a lot, & I don't need it all, nor do I want to appropriate it-- we're just looking for relevance to Calyrex, and, always, for reference to CHRIST.
✱ On that note! "Blue Deer was created to give life to the votive offerings (to God?), so he is connected to the PRAYER BOWL, full of fresh water (the nierika = portal to sacred = BAPTISM??) & given to "OUR MOTHER OF THE SEA" (STELLA MARIS + OCEAN OF DIVINE MERCY), as his BLOOD gives LIFE to the prayer bowls"!! OBVIOUS EUCHARISTIC CHALICE. Also notable, "Blue Deer offers his blood in sacrifice to nurture & grow the CORN" = staple crop = wheat/ bread of life = EUCHARIST again!!
✱ LASTLY there is a SHEEP, "its blood was the first shed to allow Kauyumari's words to rest (in the heart?); in its head is a plumed ARROW, attracting his words & embodying the Spirit of the sacrificed lamb." CHRIST = SACRIFICIAL LAMB = WORD OF GOD = HOLY SPIRIT = ARROWS OF LOVE/ REPARATION FOR BLASPHEMY = FREE WILL (in the head) + RATIONAL SACRIFICE, etc. Very rich in Christ symbolism, unsurprisingly!
✱ Another notable paraphrased myth of BLUE DEER is that he first appeared to a group of starving youths, all glorious & fat, so as they chased him in hunger he pitied them & instead led them to PEYOTE-- it SATIATED THEIR PHYSICAL & SPIRITUAL HUNGER & THIRST, despite intense famine, AND it was also MEDICINE for healing their diseases of malnourishment & poverty! (EUCHARIST) It was, all in one, "rain, food, & health"-- BOTH "deer & corn," essentially both BLOOD & BREAD (EUCHARIST). But the packaged significance & parallels of all this being in a SACRED CACTUS PLANT is notable, ALSO to Christ Jesus, Who was a desert flower of abundance & health blooming in the Palestine deserts & the dry starving hearts of unbelieving men. "Christ is the Vine," yes, but He's also the APPLE TREE... which is our next point!
✱ But first, PEONIES. Calyrex's head bud looks JUST like a peony bud, just white. They are often called the "KING OF FLOWERS"? In China, it symbolizes royalty, wealth, honor, bravery, & integrity-- but also it was exchanged upon farewells as a GIFT OF LOVE.
✱ In Japanese tattoos, peonies are associated with a novel in which 108 men/women were "banished to the hills by the feudal government" & banded together to "ferociously" foil their oppressors-- they were the "Outlaws of the Marsh" & were covered in tattoos, often peonies. Also titled "ALL MEN ARE BROTHERS." It's not really relevant, except for the possible idea of heroic rebellion against unjust power & invaders.
✱ Peonies also mean COMPASSION, purity, lifelong commitment, joy, & MARRIAGE? They live long!
✱ BTW, peony = heal; Calyrex MENDS HEARTS!!
✱ Peonies don't like to be moved or divided, need to mature for years before blooming, cannot have too deep roots, & need support to hold their weight. All that can & should be expanded symbolically IN RESPECT TO CALYREX-- also taking into account his BUD STATE.
✱ In winter, the foliage dies back BUT the CROWN & ROOTS survive (Calyrex silhouette??) They need drained soil & full sun or they ROT. Also "if they don't go dormant in winter, they will flower poorly the next year." Cutting down to ONE bud will boost its size.
✱ Flower lack is caused by no sun, overcrowding/ competition, disease, or "PLANTING CROWNS TOO DEEPLY."
✱ Peonies, though, thrive in cooler, dry places with lots of sun. They are NATIVE TO ASIA.
✱ ETYMOLOGY = "Paeon," Greek student of "god of medicine" Aesculapius; teacher got jealous & Zeus saved Paeon by making him a flower. Paeon is considered the "physician of the gods", HEALING ALL THEIR BATTLE WOUNDS. That's CANON! It also pings for King Arthur again, with the Grail (chalice), but we'll get there.
✱ The name "Paieon" ALSO was used for ANY "god" who was a "deliverer from any evil or calamity," even sorrow & pain. Again, CANON. Paradoxically, "paiein" means TO STRIKE, giving "destroyer" vibes, & so "Paean" would both heal & avert evils AND go to battle to strike AT those evils. Hymns & warsongs both. PROMPT.
✱ Paieon healed with HERBS (hello Peyote) & "knew the remedies for all things"; the "healer of pain."
✱ HE WAS SAID TO "HAVE NO PART IN DESIRE; HE IS ALIEN TO THE EROTES" = CHASTITY!!
✱ TONS of references to plants as medicine.
✱ Paeon used the PEONY ROOT (liquid) to CURE HADES??? It was a POISON ARROW TO THE SHOULDER. (See Blue Deer!!) BTW HADES ≠ HELL.
✱ Deer were an ancient STAPLE FOOD & were frequently seen as MESSENGERS OF GOD (angels!!)-- Calyrex has a notably wing-shaped cape!
✱ WARRIOR RABBITS, too-- they fight with their horns.
✱ CALYREX IS NOT A SKVADER; he also DOESN'T HAVE ACTUAL HORNS-- he has ears split into FOUR, which act like sepals. His bud is TRANSLUCENT when light hits it in official art??
✱ His cape ONLY becomes frilly & winglike ON HIS HORSE-- more Apocalypse angel vibes = White: CONQUEST (IN CHRIST??) & BLACK: FAMINE, in stark contrast to his title as the "King of Bountiful Harvests"-- although, on Spectrier, it is said they "ran all over Galar to BRING GREEN TO THE WASTELANDS." This is so notable-- Calyrex can both cause plants to "spring forth" and can MEND HEARTS!! So despite Spectrier's ghostly tendency to drain life & herald famine, Calyrex HEALS it and TRANSMUTES the presence of famine into a herald of MIRACULOUS ABUNDANCE.
✱ LIKEWISE, Glastrier-- a forceful, brutal, arrogant conqueror-- has its heart MELTED in a sense BY CALYREX, who uses its power for good in serving/ saving the weak, AND by uniting raw "justice" (in war) to MERCY, as Calyrex HEALED HIS ENEMIES WOUNDS after battle (PAEON)!!!
✱ BUT YOU NEED THE REINS OF UNITY. Without this BOND of LOVE (the horses are called "beloved" & "faithful" by Calyrex), THERE IS NO LOVING TRANSMUTATION. "Make all thoughts captive to Christ & obedient to Him!" Christ is the TRUE KING, Who alone bestows kingly authority on earth, AND charges all kings to justly IMITATE HIS EXAMPLE of mercy, humility, love, & service. "The greatest must be a servant," etc.
✱ The reins ALLOW those they unite TO communicate with each other (love surmounts ALL obstacles), enhance Calyrex's power "over bountiful harvests" (blessings of abundance TO FEED THE HUNGRY & GIVE LIFE), "unite him TO his beloved steed," AND were GIVEN TO CALYREX BY THE PEOPLE!!!
✱ They CREATE it by fusing a lock of hair (black or white) from either steed WITH a beautiful, Radiant BLUE Petal Calyrex gives YOU from HIMSELF. The horsehair can only be obtained by DEFEATING them-- a humbling act-- and when fused with the petal, they BECOME the reins, now luminous blue (seen in card art quite strikingly). Like this, they are "AS ONE"-- a paradox, but a blessed one-- it shows, literally, how unity via self-giving love & its resultant communication-- unity with CHRIST, the Life-giver & King-- can REDEEM & SANCTIFY ANYONE, no matter how troubled & lost. Calyrex TAMED him & now, instead of selfish rage & pride, he is loyal & uses his power for THE GOOD OF THE SAME PEOPLE HE USED TO TERRORIZE-- notably, by "ravaging & raiding" ALL OF THEIR FOOD, especially the CARROTS! THAT is when the Reins of Unity were forged: in gratitude, AFTER Spectrier & Glastrier had been HUMBLED and now SERVED in loyal LOVE. Their hearts had to BE bondable first!
✱ THEIR INITIAL FUSION CREATED A BOUNTIFUL FOREST IN THE WASTE (FAMINE & DEATH DEFEATED)!!! THEN they traveled & spread green life & food; again, an apostolate effect of sorts.
✱ The PEOPLE built the CROWN SHRINE for them to live in-- a GORGEOUS monastery-esque structure with STAINED GLASS even. BUT!!!! WHEN THE PEOPLE GOT COMPLACENT & LOST FAITH & GRATITUDE, CALYREX LOST HIS POWER TO DO GOOD for them, the Reins of Unity BROKE, and they faded into legend. (BTW Crown = King = CHRIST)
✱ CALYREX CAN SEE ALL OF TIME??? "KNOWN" events specifically?? So there's NOT omniscience, but WISDOM & CLARITY & KNOWLEDGE. Holy Spirit gifts, really.
✱ Yearly, Calyrex brought food & vegetation to the people = his LEFT hand for fruit, his RIGHT for verdant blooms & grass.
✱ Assumedly prior to all this, Calyrex was FOUND INJURED in the Crown Tundra DURING A TIME WHEN IT WAS BARREN & INHOSPITABLE. Calyrex just APPEARED during a bleak winter, "regal yet wounded & weak" (Christlike), so the people were MOVED TO PITY, took him into their village, and nursed him back to health!! (Loving service) Once healed, Calyrex "emitted a dazzling BLUE (heavenly) light" that turned the tundra into lush plains. The people then thrived DESPITE the frigid & barren region BECAUSE CALYREX SUSTAINED THEM WITH HIS CONSTANT BLESSING. The people now considered him their KING, perhaps because his life-nurturing power already did hold a sort of honorable rule over them, in gratitude & goodness (you WANT to serve such a gentle & loving King).
✱ CALYREX ALSO PERSONALLY PROMISED to tame Glastrier/ Spectrier, a "ruffian" & rebel, and soon enough he was "BENDING HIS KNEES" to Calyrex in CONVERSION & LOYALTY (lost sheep/ prodigal son?)! THAT'S when the people made the Reins of Unity FOR them, so Calyrex could "command him with ease."
✱ I find that detail SO notable-- Calyrex DIDN'T & perhaps COULDN'T make the reins; he didn't demand Glas/Spec's loyalty so "hard." BUT the bonds were forged BY THOSE THEY SERVED, not as a control device, but as a SIGN OF GRATITUDE, and even a SYMBOL OF FRIENDSHIP, as the reins REQUIRE a GIFT OF SELF from BOTH parties, which the people only UNITE for a new purpose of closer unity-- more loyalty & ease of obedience THROUGH self-giving relationship, NOT control or force, just GUIDANCE (easy yoke)! AND IT HAD TO BE REMADE YEARLY. Their relationship & commitment NEEDED that regular, true rededication & renewal... BUT. IT ALSO BANKED ON THE FAITH & GRATITUDE OF THE PEOPLE THEY SERVED. Without their love, Calyrex & Glas/Spec's bond would weaken & break-- pride & arrogance would again replace Glas/Spec's humility, angry as he would be with their lax hearts, & Calyrex would lose his ability to do them good as their hearts would slowly but surely turn cold towards him as their faith & love waned.
✱ Glas/Spec LEFT Calyrex then, as they had no power or purpose, & thus no reason to stay united. Glas/Spec went to the Crown Shrine & Calyrex disappeared?-- a show of arrogant taunting vs meek humility, it seems.
✱ The Crown Shrine was built AROUND a "sacred sapling"? No origin given. Perhaps it was the first green thing Calyrex brought forth. But the Shrine/ Temple, like a Church, was built TO GIVE CALYREX A "WORTHY HOME." You can't ignore the Catholic architecture here... nor the fact that, when they LOST faith, CALYREX (the gentle king of life) LEFT IT, & GLAS/SPEC (rebel of pride & destruction) TOOK OVER. It was heavily symbolic of the state of the people's hearts: who & what they were REALLY worshipping in their forgetfulness of LOVE & the King that loved them (Christ parallels). The barrenness in their hearts brought the same fate to their land, & they began to starve & freeze again, without the warmth & nourishment that grateful faith & love ALLOWED to enter & change their lives!
✱ There's a WEIRD myth post-Calyrex that claims he would "steal the body of those who misbehaved," which strikes me as a GROSS MISUNDERSTANDING of the nature of his bond/union with Glas/Spec. Their fusion was NOT a "stealing of one" BUT a "sharing of TWO." Their bodies remained INDIVIDUAL, BUT now operated AS ONE, in a sync born NOT of force, power, or control, but of HUMBLE, LOYAL, GRATEFUL, FRIENDLY LOVE. It's a COOPERATION for a GREATER GOOD & PURPOSE THROUGH self-giving & self-sacrifice to the point of achieving a FULLER self, FOR OTHERS' SAKE. Also, the specific mention of "misbehaving" also reveals their fear (therefore NO "perfect love") of justice & inability to grasp BOTH mercy AND conversion??? Because Glas/Spec REALLY misbehaved, BUT he never lost his body-- actually, EVEN IF HE DIED & SPLIT IN TWO, HIS BODY WAS NOT LOST TO DEATH?? Big Christ/ resurrection vibes; "if you life IN ME and I IN YOU, YOU WILL NEVER DIE." But the people couldn't grasp the SHARING & SELF-SURRENDER/ GIVING for the sake of cooperative love & SERVICE!!! Yes they worshipped Calyrex, yes they had faith, BUT was it only "because he multiplied the loaves"?? Was their devotion corrupted by becoming complacent in abundance, forgetting the utter famine he saved them from? Did they forget the tender compassion they showed him, which he reciprocated a thousandfold-- OR did they decide he OWED them, forgetting pure charity?? Either way, they could no longer even conceptualize the truth of Calyrex's actions; their lax hearts were blinded now. They forgot his face, & now could only mourn that vague yet keen loss of a King who once loved them so, & gave them riches untold without cost-- "come, all you who hunger, and dine without cost"-- recognizing their hopeless & powerless need. BUT THAT'S THE DOOR, THAT HUMILITY & CONTRITION & SEEKING, however feeble. Deep down they could still taste the heaven of mutual charity & I think they hungered for THAT even more than food. All they had now were fables, which kept their faith from totally dying thanks to HOPE-- an abandoned BUT extant church, testifying to a greater yet forgotten purpose AND the King for whom it was built (a King who COULD NOT MOVE BACK IN until/ unless they STOPPED WORSHIPPING IDOLS. so to speak)-- and a poor yet sincere effort at a statue, a sign of repentance and affection, an apology & a consolation all in one-- the King couldn't have been a mere myth, to hold such a place in their hearts, and that statue was a reminder of & hope for his literal presence to return & take its rightful place again.
✱ BUT THIS is the BEST part-- if the Crown Tundra people were prodigal children, then Calyrex was ABSOLUTELY the father. He NEVER LEFT! He is seen WATCHING OVER THEM, assumedly heartbroken & yearning too, POWERLESS to help WITHOUT FAITH, HUMILITY, LOVE, and REPENTANCE. Their doors AND hearts had to be UNLOCKED & OPEN for him to come back in & reign there... just like Glas/Spec, who would have to do the SAME now in the present. We'll get to that!
✱ BTW, CALYREX & GLAS/SPEC'S INITIAL FUSION WAS OF THEIR OWN HEARTS!! The reins, made by the people, were only a symbol OF the people, & only STRENGTHENED their unity BY GIVING IT A DIRECTION OF PURPOSE!!! It's not a chain, but a BOND. I can't emphasize that enough. It's becoming a SLAVE OF LOVE, a HUMBLE SERVANT, under a HUMBLE MASTER... Christ, His friends, & His people. I ALSO reiterate: The reins ALLOW the connected TO communicate with each other! They heighten their relationship from simple cooperation to DEVOTION. "I no longer call you servants but FRIENDS." This bond UNITES THEM AS BELOVED (!!!) and thus boosts Calyrex's ability to flourish life AND FOOD; again, Eucharistic vibes, as it is a SACRAMENTAL BOND, a COMMUNION, and LIFE-GIVING FOOD, THAT UNITES YOU TO THE WHOLE BODY OF CHRIST, His CHURCH-- the Temple of which HE is the Crown, the Head-- for the sake of LOVING SERVICE in FEEDING HIS SHEEP in the cold-hearted, desolate wastes of the devil's destructive attacks on the world. Calyrex, imitating Christ, is RESTORING Creation to its INTENDED state of nourishing life & love & giving & sharing! Food is grown AS A HARVEST not to be hoarded or gobbled, but to FEED THE HUNGRY, and to rejoice in CHRIST'S ABUNDANT LOVE, with "plenty of wicker baskets left over."
✱ THE CARROT SEEDS. "To plant IN A FIELD (parable of the sower!!!); the kind of carrot is determined by WHICH field you plant the seeds in." There are only TWO fertile grounds available... the SNOWY VALLEY (slope) and the OLD CEMETERY. Calyrex, imitating Christ IN HIS LOVE FOR THE LOST, is bringing food-- nourishment AND communion, a deeply natural act of love-- OUT OF BARRENNESS. Without cooperative love & care & concern, NOTHING would grow! You humbly buy the Seeds from an old farmer, it's so simple & pure. NORMAL carrot seeds, purchased from an old man who is STILL growing vegetables to feed his people, despite the cold & hard ground, sells YOU seeds so YOU can feed others too... and YOU'RE only buying them FOR a friend in need. It's all charity, simple as food & friendship.
✱ Carrots are hardy ROOT vegetables that can withstand tougher climates; they are actually TAPROOTS, reservoirs of nutrition for the plant, which are designed to dig DEEPLY into the soil to REACH WATER & SURVIVE DROUGHT. They are difficult to remove & are SINGULAR in purpose, not a tangled mes, and you CANNOT DIVIDE IT & have it still grow WITHOUT THE CROWN & ROOT IN EACH PART!!! "I am the Vine," etc., but ALSO Christ is our CROWN! And attached SINGULARLY to Him, we too can send down DEEP taproots int he dark yet fertile soils of life, where we WILL anchor in BY UNITY TO CHRIST BY FAITH, and absorb life from deeply hidden springs of LIVING WATER despite any lethal droughts on the surface world.
✱ OH. Also, Glastrier is PESTILENCE. He WEARS A CROWN & USES ARROWS (AGAIN). White horses in general were associated with warrior heroes, fertility, & END OF TIMES SAVIOR, Who traditionally rode a white horse in triumph over evil-- but white horses can ALSO mean DEATH, and when linked to pestilence/ disease, we have a tie to ETERNATUS as well. BUT. In general, horses represent freedom & power & spiritual awareness, BUT when the ego takes over that you get the ANTICHRIST, not the real Christ. In any case, it is CONQUEST.
✱ White horses are often PSYCHOPOMPS, guides between the LIVING & DEAD (Christ or Satan, abundance or famine, etc.). They are also heroic & pure & the ONLY fitting mount for a King! So there's a dichotomy, with which one Glastrier can become-- alone or serving Calyrex. An evil white horse has poison arrows; a good one, LOVE.
✱ Tangent: the BLACK horse of famine, Spectrier, is JUST (scales) in how misuse, neglect, & luxury will lead to LOSS & DEATH: "Memento mori," the ghostly steed reminds us of consequence and the beyond. It is ONLY by honoring the reality of death & the soul that we CAN let go of greed & gluttony, and THAT is why Calyrex uses Spectrier to BRING ABUNDANCE. "Our daily bread" is still needed, but we MUST RECEIVE IT FROM THE KING, and use it JUSTLY! Spectrier reminds us of the alternative & cost.
✱ White is FALSE PROPHETS of pride, of whitewashed tombs, of power held through lies.
✱ The Black horse DOESN'T TOUCH the oil & wine (blood & anointing?) but there's NO BREAD (Christ)!
✱ Carrots symbolize HONESTY, confidence in good conscience, integrity, wellbeing, HEALTH & PROSPERITY, fruits of labor, success in efforts, LONG patience (esp. hidden & dark). They also IMPROVE OUR EYESIGHT-- BOTH STEEDS ARE BASICALLY BLIND. They have NO vision on their own, wild & free but with NO DIRECTION. Calyrex's carrots are PURPOSE-- a vision of meaning & a future! This WILL bring them all those other good qualities.
✱ In Hebrew, CARROT = CUT ("g.z.r." root), as in making a DECISIVE CHOICE ("cut" a choice) one way or the other.  Combining this with the carrot-- given as FOOD, requiring a sort of surrender to humble service & helplessness (can't feed self, need help to live, NO PRIDE)-- is a choice between LIFE & DEATH again. Relatedly, the "carrot & stick" metaphor contrasts "hard vs soft" power-- obedience through punishment, OR through reward. Yes it's a basic start, BUT any good heart will inevitably soften to true devotion towards someone who is/was willing to feed & guide you even when you were greedy & stubborn & ungrateful. Calyrex just loves his horse and wants him back. So he, although nearly powerless alone, humbly asks others to aid him in this mission of mercy & kindness, PERPETUATING those virtues, all to grow his friend's favorite food as a PEACE GIFT-- Glas/Spec used to STEAL them! But here is one JUST for him, growing right in the midst of ice & graces-- love & life flourishing hardy & strong despite all odds. This carrot is the ultimate reward in what it manifests, of Calyrex & their bond. 

1. CROWN TEMPLE / SHRINE (CHRIST/ CHURCH HOME)
GLAS/SPEC IS STILL THERE, WATCHING, but WON'T COME OUT WITHOUT THE CARROT! (needs that tangible good, that hope made REAL)
2. PATH TO THE PEAK (CROWN PUN; "HEAD") = ALL barren snowy trees. STEPS! & AWFUL Giga beams. NO ABILITIES; stripped.
3. TUNNEL TO THE TOP/ SUMMIT (EUCHARIST REF, "source & summit") = CAVE. Winding! Tied to HEART; INITIATION? SEARCH FOR MEANING. + TOMB! ✞
4. SNOWY VALLEY/ SLOPE = FIRST snowy spot. Going UP! (get ice carrot)
5. GIANT'S BED = HUGE. → GIANT'S FOOT (scary) RUINS. DEVIL TRIED TO "STOMP OUT" GOOD??
(RUMBLING SEA CAVES  THREE POINT PASS  SPLIT DECISION RUINS FRIGID SEA)
↑(FROSTPOINT FIELD = BETWEEN 2 PATHS. Cold. Flat, or UP) → FREEZINGTON (The ONLY settlement!!!) → (DEAD END) SLIPPERY slope/ Max lair (HELL)
6. OLD CEMETERY (shade carrot) (No snow. Lots of ghosts BUT ALSO NIDORAN??? "Till death do us part" pair??) (AUDINO too!! "Listen" and "hearing the HEART"; life despite death) (THERE ARE RUINS?? of CHURCHES??)
7. [RIVER] BALLIMERE LAKE
→ (surrounds) DYNA TREE HILL (in it) (GLUTTONY.) (Also NO HEALING POSSIBLE; just the tainted Berries!!! LOST EDEN SATAN TREE) LAKESIDE CAVE

✱ About that fear of Calyrex "stealing bodies?" DEER & RABBITS DON'T EAT PEONIES.
✱ Peonies cure many diseases, and WHITE ones show APOLOGY. Also peonies are for 12th anniversaries= 12 is PERFECTION OF GOV'T AUTHORITY-- the King has returned, contrite, and seeks to COMPLETE his love-- Christ marrying His Church, and lovingly ruling Her.
✱White Peony ROOT is said to cure pain (sin), inflammation (vices), cramps (sin hinders), autoimmune (selfdestruct), & bloodclots (wrong life). There's TONS of symbolism! White Peony symbolizing "apology, regret, shame," and Peonies being generally "compassion, honor, fortune, joy, etc." = White: PURE, VS "White horse" paradox of PRIDE! The "King of Flowers" (CHRIST) purifies this color true, making it a bridge to HIM & His cures THROUGH that humility & love! For Calyrex to speak THROUGH PEONY exemplifies this. He's the flower given a HEALING gesture, to RESTORE relationship, allowing PERFECT KINGSHIP to be restored, thus curing the ills of stubborn pride and FLOURISHING THROUGH SERVICE & COOPERATION.
✱ BTW Peony really seems to have a pure heart. He is SUCH a dad... and he has GREAT FAITH; open heart.
✱ THAT SCARY DYNAMAX TREE has FRUITS that are basically SATAN APPLES (fallen Eden) (the birds that eat it FIGHT): the tree is IN THE MIDDLE OF THE "GARDEN" (vs. Tundra), surrounded by water, and IF YOU EAT OF IT YOU WILL "BE LIKE A GOD," but an EVIL "god," ETERNATUS... because Dynamax energy IS PART OF ITS BODY/ ESSENCE and it's a HORRIBLE corruption of intimacy, an power, in AWFUL contrast to Calyrex = His power is FOR OTHERS, supportive, humble, etc. But Eternatus power is FOR SELF, offensive, proud, etc. ALL "MAX" FORMS LOOK DEMONIC... & BIBLICAL GIANTS WERE DESCENDED FROM FALLEN ANGELS. The "Giant's Footprint" appears to have STOMPED ON CHURCHES??? There are RUINS BY A GRAVEYARD. And that area of misleading verdance-- oh yes, it's a "garden," but the ONLY food is TOXIC and NO ONE LIVES THERE, ONLY GRAVES-- opens up into SEA CAVES & a FRIGID OCEAN... inhospitable, undrinkable, rough waters bringing DEATH, NOT LIFE, & symbolizing the devil again. "Three point pass" leads to 3 dead ends. It's a scary mockery.
✱ BUT!!! THAT THREE WITH THE FRUIT WAS NOT CREATED EVIL, and there IS HOPE OF REDEMPTION FOR IT... IN CALYREX. That bud on his head isn't a "flower," per se. IT'S A FRUIT BUD. And it appears to be the SAME KIND AS THE DYNAMAX TREE, before it "fell" (when Eternatus fell)! In official art, the "bud" LOOKS TRANSLUCENT even, as if it weren't a flower but a FRUIT.
✱ Calyrex's "bud" LOOKS just like a Peony, BUT its connection to the Dynamax & large calyx makes it STRONGLY RESEMBLE A PERSIMMON. And some persimmons ARE PURPLE. That's very close to the Red/Blue dichotomy in Dyna/Caly, as persimmons are Orange/Purple, and purple is RIPE? But the shape is EXACT, even with the "bulge lines" into 4 sections. It's soft & translucent and the ONLY RIPE FRUIT LEFT, truly-- the only one that is NATURALLY EDIBLE, not "mutated" & toxic! OH-- AND IT'S ONLY "GLOWY" WHEN HE'S ON HIS HORSE. Otherwise, alone, it's the same opaque dark green as the "buds" around his neck, which don't change color on the horse.
✱He has 8 buds, which symbolizes HOPE, "new beginnings," salvation, triumph, bright futures, etc.
✱But he's ALL BUDS. He's a CALYX, NOT A BLOSSOM HIMSELF: The calyx is the FIRST part of a flower that develops, and the petals & parts grow WITHIN. The calyx PROTECTS the flower as it develops, preventing it from drying out.
✱BUT. "After flowering, many plants have NO MORE USE FOR THEIR CALYX, AND IT BEGINS TO WITHER." THAT'S what the villagers did-- when they finally had food & flowers, they LET CALYREX WILT... but they didn't realize that THEIR SOULS WEREN'T MATURE, and Calyrex was PROTECTING & NURTURING THEM. So once he was thrown off... the cold returned & crushed them. Their hearts dried up from lack of gratitude & love. They weren't ready to bloom on their own yet-- and wouldn't be WITHOUT that cooperative unity!
✱"THE HOLY GRAIL OF FLOWERS IS THE BLUE ROSE." They DON'T EXIST in nature, but are rich with myth, symbolizing a LONGING FOR MIRACLES, the "search for the impossible," wishes/ dreams becoming reality, etc. In general, roses symbolize ARDENT LOVE & BEAUTY, the "QUEEN OF FLOWERS," and a blue one in that respect speaks to a PERFECT love-- a HOLY love, blue as the heavens. There are also 2 myths in which a woman would only marry a man who gave her a blue rose: many tricked her with stone, paint, magic, but this is not true love. Ultimately, a simple & pure man gave her a white rose-- "if their love is true, it will be blue." And so it was!! Blue roses are NOT unrequited-- just "unattainable," and for GOOD REASON: true & perfect love CANNOT be "attained," or created, or hunted down, or bred, etc. Blue roses, according to myth, ONLY come through a PURE & HUMBLE GIFT OF A WHITE ROSE. Where others gave up of this "impossible task" or turned to trickery, the one who valued LOVE persisted in HUMILITY... and FAITH, NOT POWER OR PRESTIGE!!! That's why it's "impossible"... BUT "nothing is impossible for God." In the Chinese marriage folktale, actually, the princess ALONE could see the blue in the white because THROUGH LOVE & TRUST, HER FAITH LET HER SEE THE HIDDEN TRUTH. Tying this to Calyrex, and the mythicality of the blue rose, HE grants miracles THROUGH FAITH, FOR LOVE WITHOUT COST, selfless not sensual, BUT power schemes & doubt & the like BLOCK both his power AND will make him fade from sight! His love also cannot be forced. He can only bless through pure gift: notably the Reins, which REQUIRE A PETAL, a beautiful blue one that OBVIOUSLY is from a rose... a WILD ROSE. And it GLOWS.
✱ OH, BY THE WAY. The reason why the white rose alone can become blue is because it is HUMBLE = EMPTY OF SELF so it CAN HOLD THE UN-EARTHLY COLOR. All other roses are full of THEMSELVES = pride in their power, beauty, etc.: in their own merits. But you can't love like that... blue pigment DOESN'T EXIST IN NATURE. Blue ONLY exists AS LIGHT. So ONLY a white rose can BE blue, by BOTH RECEIVING & REFLECTING that blue light-- the color of heaven, UNATTAINABLE UNLESS GIVEN IN LOVE to a heart that is PURE enough to reflect something BESIDES ITSELF. The "Holy Grail" is holy BY HOLDING.
✱ If Calyrex's 8-bud garland truly is of ROSEBUDS, they symbolize UNAWAKENED LOVE, but a garland of roses symbolizes "THE CROWING REWARD FOR THE MERITS OF HOLY VIRTUE"... but remember, "Virtue is only virtue in extremis." Roses HAVE FRUIT when they bloom BUT "fruit flesh becomes soft AFTER A FROST." So there's a LOT to unpack. Unawakened love = 8 buds for HOPE & SALVATION = Calyx protecting from death by inclement weather = Those buds will only bloom AFTER A FROST that will ALSO allow their eventual fruit TO BE SOFT, SWEET, & EDIBLE-- not hard & bitter & inedible. ALL of this is a recipe for LOVE, humility, self-giving, perseverance in virtue, purity of heart, right relationship & communion, etc. This is the journey of Calyrex & his people... and ALL OF THE ROSES ARE BLUE. Their whole story is one of sheer generosity-- it's ALL GIVING & GIVING BACK, and being open to receive IN LOVE. The INSTANT ego & pride & complacency fill up gratitude's humble place, THE BLUE CAN'T GLOW.
✱ About rose hips: they eat them IN SCOTLAND for their ANTIOXIDANT properties that FIGHT DISEASE (Eternatus)! But the Scottish rose (petal match) is the wild DOG ROSE, said to soothe "rabid bites" (DYNAMAX) and its 5 petals representing the WOUNDS OF CHRIST. Roses are also "pain & sweetness" which is VERY CATHOLIC. You must be willing to SUFFER FOR LOVE.
✱ The bud-mantle Calyrex wears is also marked by little TRIPLE TRIANGLES; an obvious tie to the HOLY TRINITY & Their Love, Communion, & Generosity. They are pointing DOWN & are dark blue, blue-gray, & white at the heart-- the latter an also OBVIOUS CALLBACK to the Blue Rose myths. When the heart-- where the Spirit dwells-- is PURE & WHITE, humble & not trying to glorify itself with pigment (earthly color), then it is EMBRACED BY CHRIST, Who is WHITE-BLUE as the INCARNATE GOD-- the truly divine FUSION of white & blue, literally impossible in anyone BUT Him-- and His Life in/ through/ with ours is the BRIDGE to TRUE Blue... God Himself, Love itself, the "ever-unattainable" BUT ever-given in love.
✱ The Blue & White triangles point DOWN: a symbol of receptivity, the WOMB, & the CHALICE! We must RECEIVE the Spirit, THROUGH God's grace poured out in BAPTISMAL WATER (cup), for our soul, like Mary's womb, to CONCEIVE THE SON... Whose Blood FILLS the Chalice.
✱ CHRIST is an UPWARDS triangle because it is PASSION & the force of action, the SWORD OF TRUTH that can ONLY occur INCARNATELY. Thus ONLY Christ can hold this "masculine" vibe because its ties to energy & activity REQUIRE A BODY-- the "feminine" down-shape is more subconscious mystery, in how they operate. BUT, NOTE THAT THE "FATHER" TRIANGLE UNITES BOTH.
✱ Three-triangle patterns ALSO symbolize many trinities of existence, notably PAST/ PRESENT/ FUTURE & CREATE/ DESTROY/ PRESERVE for Calyrex's powers of psychic vision & abundance.
✱ Three as a number also symbolizes harmony, completeness, & new life, and triplets emphasize the importance of something. Applied to these symbols on the BUDS-- 8 meaning hope & salvation-- shows how our salvation & hope is ONLY complete THROUGH the Trinity working in our hearts, working as a PROTECTIVE CALYX as our souls mature into wholeness of new life in Him, blooming as blue roses of selfless love, colored by the Divine.
✱ Alchemically, the up & down triangles are the unity of fire & water: two things plants need to grow (fire's light) and symbolizing the unity of power & meekness, justice & mercy, etc. Calyrex's kind kingship exemplifies this.
✱ Triangles in general mean "growth into higher states of being," higher purpose, transformation, etc. This applies to both Calyrex's calling Glas/Spec & bringing harvest ot of famine, but also its trinitive aspect reminds us that ALL those good things can ONLY occur THROUGH GOD WORKING IN US. Triangles are always spiritual, it seems; not carnal.
✱ Those buds are arguably SIERPINSKY TRIANGLES, too-- SELF-SIMILAR FRACTALS: zooming in on ANY part of one reveals a PERFECTLY IDENTICAL COPY of the original. VERY EUCHARISTIC! Fractals are found all over nature, too: in three branches, snowflakes, flowers, cabbages, etc.! They are proof of Divine order & elegance-- "patterns that the laws of nature repeat at different scales... we see this basic principle repeated in the fractal structure of organic life forms... every tree branch is a copy of the one that came before it." (CHRIST = VINE = LIFE; ALL THINGS THROUGH/ WITH/ IN HIM!) A fractal is like, one big basic heart-form that keeps "self-replicating" at increasingly smaller scales until you can't even SEE the original, all-embracing shape-form anymore... but you see all its fractal copies, echoing its essence infinitely. THAT'S GOD & CREATION!!
✱ FURTHERMORE, the also-ubiquitous natural FIBONACCI SEQUENCE-- recurrent geometric patterns & numbers-- began with RABBITS and is most clearly seen in FLOWERS. Everything has this divine ratio & symmetry as its wholeness. I just love that. There's no "deep symbolism" other than its referring to Calyrex's species, the bud-triangles speaking of uncomparable life & abundance despite all famine & loss, and the innate reflection of God in all things, giving them true life. The greatest fractal in existence-- indeed, the clearest-- is the Eucharist, the BREAD OF LIFE. Christ, our true King, gives us Himself PERFECTLY & INFINITELY. Calyrex cannot & does not, but his generosity does at least reflect that miracle of heavenly abundance, and the triangles remind us WHO is the source & summit of that.
✱ At its heart, a fractal is the great guarantee of infinite life & abundance, through the eternal life, love, & generosity of God. Look at Jesus & the "fractal bread." Have faith, & He will sustain you despite all famine.
✱ CALYREX'S EYES ARE ALSO TRIANGLES. The iris is 3 TONED: pale blue, grey blue, dark blue-- and the pupil is WHITE. This of course hearkens back to the blue rose + fractal points, BUT! 4, Biblically, means completeness & perfection, notably in CREATION: the divine 3 plus the 1 "other" that He has made in Love! So for that to be CALYREX'S EYES immediately ties into his GIFT OF SIGHT: he can see all events, past & present & future! True sight is COMPREHENSION THROUGH FAITH, seeing by the same Light of the world that makes white roses blue, seeing His infinite Being in nature... and Calyrex uses this sight TO HELP OTHERS, that extra 4th color of pure white, of selfless humility & purity OF sight-- of understanding.
✱ His eye color is the REVERSE color of the buds, giving a vibe not of "becoming/ maturing" but instead of that 4's PERFECTION, of being spiritually cognizant of God in all BUT recognizing Him AS Him, first. Christ is again the bridge, but here, the Spirit's color is the outermost and it's ROUND?? Which lends itself to seeing His influence IN all things, AND people, THROUGH CHRIST. And all of this is again set in white-- the same purity of heart at the core is ALSO what unites it all, "as within so without," the Golden Rule.
✱ Some notes while reviewing Calyrex's Pokédex data (because this is a very fluid "document")-- flower "crowns" are for the triumphant & faithful, but Calyrex's isn't a pagan garland but a ROYAL CORONATION CROWN: a symbol not of award, but of SERVICE TO THE PEOPLE! And in heraldry, green is both nature & WISDOM. Hope & health & life are other associations. But BLUE is ALL ROYALTY & PIETY, TRUST & LOYALTY, patience & understanding & humility & peace. Also rare virtue? Wisdom & intuition are united in it, and it is surrounded by similar spiritually calm virtues. So for Calyrex's bud to be primarily green with a blue heart gives vibes of that "green" life & hope & health, connection to others & need of community (lushness of rainforests, rich in chlorophyll, PINE green that survives the cold & shelters others), being what PROTECTS & NURTURES the deeper heart-virtues of BLUE; trustworthiness, wisdom, peace, understanding, loyalty, piety, stability, spirituality, etc. In the spectrum, Green is the BRIDGE between "body & soul," the hue of pure natural life, bringing the holy color virtues to the more earthly tones. Blue is all about honor & truth, but is softer in tone than indigo, bringing a sense of gentleness & mercy & empathy despite its "ethereal" essence.
✱ Calyrex's blues are notably unique-- the palest is PERIWINKLE, a flower color that symbolizes new friendships, new beginnings, purity, strength, & eternal love. It is all about cherishing; that's all Calyrex (bless him). It's also hop, innocence, peace, kindness, protection, loyalty, devotion, comfort, etc. It's also the "Virgin flower," for MARY, the CHALICE OF GOD! The next blue is actually CORNFLOWER, another flower hue! Cornflowers are "very courageous, being able to stand strong against all the elements of nature." They are signs of unfailing hope, they're edible, and in Greek myth, they were said to-- AGAIN-- HEAL WOUNDS CAUSED BY POISON ARROWS. They are fragile in appearance but terrifically hardy. They can represent chaste love, purity, & blessedness; hope in love; fidelity, life, resilience, tenderness... AND MARY, who gave us the true "corn," the grain of Wheat from Heaven, to feed every heart forever. They are super medicinal, too, especially for tired eyes-- symbolic of relieving the soul, too, of long watching & waiting for hope & deliverance. They herald good fortune, and "each bloom is a blessing." They are said to notably wilt when one's true love is unrequited-- that, too, happened to poor Calyrex.
✱ The final, darker blue is, unsurprisingly, royal blue. Its first notable association is with "paranormal vision"-- seeing beyond the physical, into the "royal kingdom of God" which is only visible with the heart. It also is associated with INNER sight & wisdom, clarity & decisiveness. It opens the heart & mind with integrity. Like most blues, it is trustworthy, reliable, calm, and communicative, but all of this is enriched further by its REGAL aspect, that encompassing honor. In general, it's about DIGNITY & KNOWLEDGE, uprightness, fidelity, and the essence of both AUTHORITY & SPIRITUALITY, notably UNITED. Royal blue is serious but emotionally sincere & deep, conservative but respectful, professional but courteous & peaceful, humble yet kingly IN such virtue. So this is all obviously very applicable to Calyrex: he is a gentle, wise, trustworthy, solemn, & honest king, not aloof but not attention-seeking, etc. Remember: Blue is the color of HEAVEN so inevitably it will carry those virtues, AND making this last hue on the bud-triangles (and his eyes) ROYAL emphasizes the fact that ALL kingship is ordained BY GOD, FOR GOD, and IN GOD. The ONLY true King is CHRIST, so ALL earthly authority is spiritually OBLIGATED to imitate His example in reflecting His royal role! That Divine authority symbolized by Calyrex's royal blue AND its placement: His sight & knowledge come FROM God, and it is God Who protects & nurtures all blooming virtue in our souls. Lastly, Calyrex's cape (+WINGS) follow the same pattern as the buds-- interestingly, as they symbolize quite literally both his kingly role AND the holy "angel = messenger of God's plans & purpose" aspect: Calyrex's kingship is not for himself, but for others, in BLESSING THEM. The cape/wings are primarily PERIWINKLE, only bordered by royal blue-- putting the emphasis on FRIENDSHIP, PURITY, KINDNESS, & ETERNAL LOVE, which are ringed with HEALING & COURAGE and only tipped with REGALITY & HONOR. All these virtues are present in equal importance, BUT!! In his normal form they are small and almost decorative, mostly hidden behind his back, and LOOKING LIKE TEPALS: a sepal (protector) that resembles a petal. HOWEVER. This is interesting because, although Calyrex does have floral ties to both Peonies & Dog Roses (btw HELLO HERO DUO), this little addition of his wings adds elements of a LILY: notably the AGAPANTHUS, the "BLUE LILY," whose name means "FLOWER OF LOVE." Like cornflowers, they are tenacious and strong, symbolizing the heart's power & spiritual strength. Notably their blue color, associated with their name of love, emphasizes HEARTFELT & NOBLE LOVE.
✱ They are believed to PROTECT FROM STORMS (Eternatus) AND HEART DISEASE (Calyrex mends hearts), as well as signifying valiant & caring protection in general.
✱ Tying into Spectrier, Agapanthus is often used in FUNERALS, made into wreaths & placed on coffins to "represent the beautiful soul of the deceased"!
✱ And, again, it's a sign of purity, "fertility," beauty of soul, & loving relationships. They are ALSO tied medicinally to HEALTHY BABIES-- noted because flowers/ buds/ fruits are also reproductive.
✱ "Generosity of spirit" too! "AGAPE!"
✱ Note that Calyrex ISN'T wearing a CAPE (sleeveless), but a MANTLE!!! --and ONLY ON HIS STEED!!! By himself, he only appears to wear a BOLERO jacket. I note this solely because a "bolero" is a genre of song, "characterized by sophisticated lyrics dealing with love." It's all about heartfelt emotion, with a "beautiful singing melody," simple & purely romantic. It's like courtship; whereas the MANTLE is a symbol of AUTHORITY and POWER & RESPECT & PROTECTION, all Kingly aspects. The mantle "REQUIRES respect for the authority of the wearer," ESPECIALLY IN THE BIBLE: "there is no one in authority that GOD didn't put there!!" So HIS Power is working through them & protecting them. It is a GOD GIVEN power & authority that ONLY GOD CAN TAKE AWAY-- even if people disrespect it or forget or hate the king, GOD STILL SUSTAINS THEIR AUTHORITY, BY HIS WILL, FOR HIS PURPOSES. God also did this with PROPHETS-- their mantle was a tangible sign & proof that GOD CALLED THEM & they SPEAK FOR HIM. It is a sign of the HOLY SPIRIT upon them-- and for Calyrex, HE GETS WINGS TO SHOW THAT. This is why he continues to exercise power over his steeds, & has power to influence nature-- he's doing GOD'S CHARITABLE WORK, serving & blessing & healing others, with NO thought for himself-- he does assert his kingship, but NEVER demands or coerces obedience, or even loyalty, as it were-- his people lost faith and he did not retaliate; he respected THEIR free will-- for only freedom allows for GENUINE faith & loyalty & love. His power DID NOT DISAPPEAR-- it only was BLOCKED from affecting them, due to unbelief-- like Jesus & His miracles. SO. He manifests his mantle when his kingship CAN manifest, notably BY THE BOND OF UNITY with his steed-- no good & humble kind rules alone-- but he wears his "bolero" when alone, a symbol of SEEKING reciprocal love, of "romancing" his beloved people with sincerity & giving of himself. HE CANNOT RULE WITHOUT PEOPLE TO RULE, AND HE WILL NOT/ CANNOT RULE WITHOUT LOVING RELATIONSHIP.
✱ The "WINGS" are different too: his mantle has angelic/ bird wings, BUT his bolero has "fairy" or bug wings. Although yes, I consider them tepals in truth, the visual effect is still valid. Avoiding paganism, Calyrex's four tepal-wings resemble those of an iridescent beetle-- notably a JEWEL BEETLE. Not only is that an obvious reference to "CROWN JEWELS," the objects of metalwork & jewelry that "symbolize the particular power & continuity of the monarchy" (crown, sceptre, orb, sword, mace, ring, etc.) (BTW during coronation with these, they are ALSO ANOINTED WITH HOLY OIL!), but jewel beetle wings have been used AS ART for centuries, notably in RELIGION, for both their ethereal & unfading beauty (literally), but also for what they symbolize: beetles fly "between heaven & earth," dwelling in both, and they were used as FOOD-- notable because food = life, and eating something of such God-given yet humble beauty & flight was hoped to bestow such virtues upon the eater.
✱ In MANY shamanic societies, the beetle is mythically & profoundly linked to CREATION: their working with dirt balls evoked primordial "potter" themes & planet-shaping, in "retrieving/ shaping" that raw matter into shape. BUT note!! The beetle ONLY SHAPES, NOT CREATES! He's God's HELPER, in forming order out of chaos, & life out of death-- turning empty waste into a flourishing land. Very Calyrex! And the ball-pushing is WORK, spiritual work symbolically, but also LABOR FOR OTHERS, as the beetles do that FOR THEIR CHILDREN. In Egypt, this rolling is tied to the SUN, another life-giving symbol, yet ALSO tied to death in its setting, although still carrying the promise of sunrise. In his beetle wings, Calyrex evokes the essence of this "life cycle" with HARVESTS & HOPE, his ability & promise to work for others to bring blessings, his powers to make new life flourish AND help hearts "fly to higher things," the lasting beauty of SELF-GIVING, rebirth after suffering & apparent death (famine, Eternatus), the requisite of "dying to self" for the SOUL to be reborn "like the sun," ALSO BY THE SON, the spring after AND WITHIN winter. ALSO HEART SCARABS, focusing ALL of those virtuous things rightly in one's heart, not in any outer object, for all virtue comes from cooperation with God (the Divine)-- the One Who created life from dirt & can transmute ALL sorrows, & Whom the beetle "flies up to meet & bring His blessing down"-- MORE ANGEL VIBES! Honestly, there is SO MUCH Christ-parallelism with beetles in Egypt; it's notable, especially in its staggering humility... & overlooked beauty... & FOOD ASPECT, HELLO EUCHARIST = UNITY.
✱ Beetles were ALSO, like Christ, tied to DEATH as well as life, IN THE CONTEXT OF REBIRTH, & therefore also INITIATION = CORONATION in terms of being a "spiritual warrior," notably-- and all Kings carry a Sword.
✱ THERE'S MORE BLUE-DEER "SACRED ALTERATION" in that the scarab beetle was the "CUP OF DIONYSUS," relevant ONLY in the chalice & wine aspect, and the resulting "holy drunkenness" being a means of "communicating with the divine," noting wine's "inner fire" = HEART, & again lifting all this up to the Eucharist, a HOLY BANQUET given FROM SELF & ALTRUISTIC LOVE.
✱ HERE'S A KEY: THE SEMITIC PEOPLE WERE THE FIRST TO PORTRAY THE BEETLE WITH 4 WINGS = it being COMPLETENESS, only possible BY self-giving & communion with God & others, a holy paradox. AND. SAINT AMBROSE & OTHERS EQUATED THE BEETLE OF HABAKKUK 2:11 TO CHRIST, the true King & CREATOR! (Also Psalm 22:6 for His humility!)
✱ LASTLY, the beetle's "creator/ helper" myth was purified by this, in alchemical reference to Christ: the beetle was the "prima materia" of the great transmutable work of the soul, from dung to divine-- CHRIST was the "stone" created AFTER & BY HIS DEATH & RESURRECTION (SUN/SON), the jewel from the mire, the crown gem from the beetle's wing. This is the beautiful hope He gives us all, despite our wretchedness, and this great hope of life from death, of flying from dirt into heaven, from emptiness to fullness, is the King's promise bestowed on Calyrex to carry, the blessing of both physical & spiritual rebirth & growth into ever-lovelier things. Beetles are all about CHANGE!!
✱ As for the angel-mantle having those LONG GREEN ENDS, they simply remind me of EVERGREEN enedles... notably YEW. THERE'S A YEW, IN WALES, IN A CHURCHYARD, which is one of the OLDEST TREES IN THE WORLD. Like 5000 years! That's VIRTUALLY CANON with the sacred tree in Freezington!
✱ Yews, again, are symbols of LIFE & DEATH, said to transfer longevity to the warrior who used weapons of its wood, and said to protect against evil, notably against the devil himself.
✱ They resprout from a dying trunk = rebirth, but their RED BERRIES are lethally toxic = DEATH!
✱ CHURCHYARD YEWS are especially sacred, through prayer & proximity-- with weapons OR branches from it being vanquishers of evil. They decorated places of worship, reaching up to God yet rooted in the earth-- like the Church herself-- and its longevity a hope for eternal life in Christ, crucified on a tree, dotted with "red berries of blood."
✱ Some even say that the Cross WAS a yew!! This is fitting, as ancient cultures associated yews with death, funerals, sorrow, mourning, etc. It was also said to "draw out the poisons from the air" in graveyards, warding off evils. So it is treated with solemn honor in this "memento mori" respect.
✱ BUT. Remember that it is ALSO RESURRECTION, which requires death first!! Their presence, however melancholy in some respects, are also POWERFULLY HOPEFUL, living reminders of life AFTER death. Extracts from their bark have even been proven to fight cancerous tumors (DYNAMAX)!!
✱ BTW those berries AREN'T TOXIC TO DEER OR RABBITS.
✱ Their bark can withstand unlimited clipping & shaping-- metaphorically with Calyrex, no amount of "reshaping" his memory or "clipping" his power could damage him; the yew's wood is SOFT & grows slowly, giving it great strength & resilience.
✱ OH, and that ANCIENT Fortingall Yew was once used by locals to carve out DRINKING CUPS: "quaich" cups, inspired by ancient BLEEDING VESSELS-- even MORE Eucharist/ Cross connections-- even morseo as these quaichs are used as signs of FRIENDSHIP & WELCOME in community gatherings.
✱ There is an old legend that the yew was also the BURNING BUSH (sent by God to DELIVER HIS PEOPLE from slavery & starvation) & the tree "of Golgotha, growing FROM ADAM'S GRAVE." That's more death/ life, which is ALL super fitting as Calyrex ONLY wears his yew-like mantle ON HIS STEEDS, who are VERY death-associated BUT who paradoxically BOOST Calyrex's life abilities-- that's resurrection! "This is the tree of glory," BECAUSE Christ worked His redemption FROM one.
✱ Evergreens in general speak of life undying despite death (winter); BUT they have NEITHER fruit NOR flowers! Calyrex's ties to the yew are small yet significant BUT ONLY IN THE CONTEXT OF HIS MANTLE-- his sign of HOLY & PIOUS AUTHORITY. He is not immortal, nor is he so directly tied to death-- BUT that mantle gives him a SOLID RESURRECTION MISSION, something even greater than his life-blessing gifts.
✱ This is ALSO different from his beetle wings as they represent the JOURNEY TO & COOPERATION TOWARDS resurrection-- they do not herald it so immediately as the yew & its ties to the CROSS!
✱ Next up-- his last color! It's actually NOT straight-up gray; it appears to be IVORY, or even cream? But either way it's a WARM tiny, not a cold or neutral one, but its subtle enough to, again, give that vibe of gentle hope. Ivory in general is pure & comforting & soft, good balancing qualities for the authority of blue & formality of dark green. It's sophisticated, elegant but simple, pleasant & unassuming, but never harsh, aloof, or obtrusive. it's also close to BEIGE, which often gets a bad rap for being "boring," but it fits his humble nature perfectly. Beige is loyal & dependable, reliable & practical & constant. Predictability is not a bad thing when it concerns virtue, & the comfort sought by those in tumult & turmoil! And this is his BODY color-- not his flowers or bud or wings-- it's his own natural heart's purity. AND THAT IS WHAT BECOMES HIS ANGELIC MANTLE: could ANYONE truly serve God, or seek to work as His messenger, if they were not so humble of heart & poor in spirit?
✱ Ivory is "understated elegance," "a place of refuge," gentle warmth, reverence & humility, etc.
✱ In many images, though, Calyrex's color is more of a silvery GRAY. That color is "the perfect neutral," calming extremes & balancing between absolutes. It is intelligent & diplomatic, refined & dignified, authoritative & wise-- the virtuous benefits of "gray hair," as it were. Gray is reasonable, agreeable, sophisticated, and serious. It is "the soul of all color," and "a gray day provides the best light." It is a stable "middle ground" of clarity & prudence, free from wilder emotions. It makes all other colors glow without overwhelming. Gray "doesn't lead with emotions," is mature & stable, "solid as a rock" & therefore a safe soothing haven for turbulent & aggravated hearts. It avoids attention and publicity (private), but will offer practical insight to all who ASK. Gray can "overthink"-- Calyrex's massive noggin!-- because it sees AND UNDERSTANDS "both sides" so clearly. But it will never force anything, being supremely patient & still, maybe even too much-- it can miss opportunities to act? It is deeply self-reflective BUT needs help from brighter colors to take more active decisions according to it. Despite this, its "dynamic humility" makes it the "ideal authority figure," honoring & respecting others & always acting with equity, integrity, & candor. Lastly, gray can be grim; it does not deny darkness; but it also always holds on to the light.
✱ Calyrex is LIGHT GRAY which is MUCH more soothing & even hopeful than darker shades. Calyrex is arguably almost WHITE, too-- emphasizing "lighter" virtues while still preserving gray's roots-- and the warmer, ivory/ beige overcast is a perfect finishing touch for this king, making him approachable, personal, & amiable, but not overly so-- he is still private & unassuming. His neutrals are therefore the perfect complement to his dark blues & greens, adding levity & a touch of warmth without burning, and without stifling or muting them either-- the snowy gray even HIGHLIGHTS the "life-giving" hues in quiet contrast!
✱ One last color bit that I forgot before: the bud on his head DOES look like a PERSIMMON, and I still theorize it being a "FRUIT BUD" connecting him to the Dynamax tree & its fake, toxic "harvest"... notable because the Persimmon is also known as the "FRUIT OF THE GODS" or "DIVINE FRUIT"-- in this context, an EXPLICIT warning against the idolatry of power & self-worship, & another mini sermon about CHRIST being "THE VINE" apart from which NO FRUIT can grow in a soul, with the BLUE ROSE & PEONY/ PEYOTE ties emphasizing the elements of pure love & gracious healing.
✱ When RIPE they are nutritious & sweet; when UNRIPE they are BITTER, SOUR "CHOKE FRUITS". Pride has no humility or patience & you WILL choke on its impatient, immature, inedible "fruits."
✱ Persimmons symbolize PERSEVERANCE & HARDY ENDURANCE, as they thrive in many soils & can survive SUBZERO TEMPERATURES!! They are also DROUGHT TOLERANT & RESIST PESTS & DISEASE to a great extent. They are signs of "increased blessings" in one's endeavors, and their sweet beauty promotes joy & peace. The trees are ABUNDANT in fruit, promising prosperity, especially with its durability, and the branches are a protective home for small & weak creatures.
✱ They also represent TRANSFORMATION, ENLIGHTENMENT, & PRUDENT JUDGMENT-- this last bit as their inner-shape was said to PREDICT WINTER WEATHER!
✱ There are ISRAELI PERSIMMONS (Christ's land) that are ALWAYS SWEET, even when hard. They are called "SHARON FRUITS," after the Biblical plain, which was "proverbially fertile" & known for its ABUNDANT FLOWERS, and referenced in the Song of Songs with the "ROSE OF SHARON"-- a beautiful flower that grows in dry, unfavorable conditions, and whose delicate beauty was matched only by its HUMILITY, despite being a "lily among thorns" for that very fact. But this flower refers to CHRIST-- the bridegroom, the King of flowers, giving Himself to us in a gesture of totally committed love, unique in rarity & beauty & perfection. And, again, this desert rose was ALSO a HEALING flower, making this gift even more benevolent & selfless.
✱ Connecting these virtues to the persimmon-- notably since Calyrex's is GREEN, symbolizing "immaturity" & need of growth into wisdom-- shows that ONLY CHRIST gives us WISDOM & SPIRITUAL FRUIT, which requires LOVE & HUMILITY to receive.
✱ This "unripe green" is only tangential though as the INNER color is BLUE. So the TRUE fruit is ripe with HEAVEN'S color, but it is still in its green calyx because NO ONE BUT GOD HAS PERFECT WISDOM. Even if He gives us the fruit, it is paradoxically "never fully ripe," always needing more grace & patience to become more full of truth-- a process that terminates only IN heaven. So the "blue" impossible color hearkens to that unattainability, as does the blue rose: their fullness is ONLY tangible, whole, & accessible THROUGH PURE & HUMBLE LOVE.
✱ A note on Ravel's Bolero (as in the jacket)-- "the repeated theme & slow build has been called an 'exercise in hypnotism.'" It is "nostalgic, sweet, & quietly complex." Being a LOVE song, the repetition shows persistence in its devotion, & the slow build shows how, like fruit & flowers, true love sweetens & matures over time, with fidelity-- it is no wild, sudden infatuation. The "nostalgia" also refers to the people in Freezington reminiscing on when they knew & loved Calyrex, after they had become "hypnotized" by his constancy & forgotten how precious it was-- had forgotten to reciprocate or be grateful, their hearts lulled into complacency. They weren't truly listening-- for although the tune & harmony stay the same, more & more instruments come in over time, enriching the orchestration & adding flourishes of color to the heartbeat of a theme. Like the cycles of seasons & harvests, predictable & repetitive & slow, there is nevertheless always a new joy to it, a new sweetness, dear in its familiarity yet never quite the same twice. Love is not novelty, but fidelity, a solid prism for the light of grace. Itself it does not change, but every tiny shimmer of light casts new yet familiar rainbows. This is true, committed, joyful & grateful relationship. It is the "bolero" of perpetual courtship, of the core of love recognized by all yet always new, always returning even sweeter. Ravel himself disliked the bolero, claiming it had "no music in it" due to its repetition-- but isn't life itself repetition, cycle, pattern? And it IS music. Calyrex's little jacket is a little reference to the loving reliability of the harvest, but also of winter. Wisely, he heralds both, but with the inherent reassurance that spring will return, that hopes will be fulfilled, and that life cannot be stopped. Neither can love, and its power to GIVE life.
✱ Hares in general are a symbol of vitality, rebirth, & resurrection-- life & fertility, spring & autumn. The white color is for chastity & purity, removing all unsavory connotations. They are also PREY animals-- more self = food symbolism. In Egypt they are notably tied to the life/ death/ rebirth cycle too. Some myths see them as "spirit messengers," bringing wisdom from heavenly realms. They represent attention & contemplation with their ears & watchful nature. They are mild, humble, lucky, & good-natured, solitary yet auspicious, resourceful & clever. They can also be tricksters; there's definitely a hint of this in Calyrex's sense of humor.
✱ BUT! He is also PART DEER. They are typically seen as spiritual & mystical.


(black apples, avalon)
(GRAIL (+ calyx/ sepal))
(
↑KING ARTHUR (+ ZACIAN??))
(CELEBI ties? vision + element typing)





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