the spectrum heart cathedral system

2025 Thu May 1 9:55 AM

I'M FEELING = TERRIFIED & CONTEMPT

WHY = Dreading case manager food drop-off.
I've been having nightmares about it for days.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Waiting For Appointment

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Thu May 1 1:29 PM

I'M FEELING = RELIEVED & FASCINATED

WHY = CANCELED THE FOOD DROPOFF. Finally I'm at PEACE.
Started reading "TLWoT" at last and it's FASCINATING.
SO IS PERSIAN ARCHITECTURE OH MY GOODNESS

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Exercise Bike,Exercising;Reading Secular Books;Research

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Thu May 1 2:46 PM

I'M FEELING = FRAZZLED & IRRITATED

WHY = OCD & scrupulosity driving me up the wall.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;Praying To Jesus,Home;Table,Eating;Praying;OCD Rituals

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Fri May 2 2:09 PM

I'M FEELING = IRRITABLE & AGITATED

WHY = Scared of another mom phone call.
I just want to eat and rest in quiet today.

Self-hatred and anger very loud today.
I need to recognize and receive Jesus's mercy.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Cleaning;Getting Ready To Eat

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Fri May 2 3:58 PM

I'M FEELING = DISCOMBOBULATED & FRUSTRATED

WHY = Too much copypasting.
I want to just READ THE BIBLE

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Table;Phone,Eating;Spiritual Reading

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Fri May 2 6:58 PM

I'M FEELING = RELIEVED & BURNED OUT

WHY = SURVIVED EATING.
Now what do I do?
I WANT to read and watch The Chosen.
Why won't I let myself rest and relax?

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;Praying To Jesus,Home,Resting;Exercising;Cleaning;Reading Secular Books;Just Finished Eating

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Fri May 2 10:43 PM

I'M FEELING = DISENCHANTED & TIRED

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Exercise Bike,Exercising;Reading Secular Books;Research

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sat May 3 12:12 PM

I'M FEELING = SUCCESSFUL & COMPETENT

WHY = WALKED TO THE ITALIAN MARKET!
TOOK THE BUS TO ALDI!
BRAVELY TRYING CAULIFLOWER & AVOCADO!

CONTEXT TAGS = In Public,Home;Commuting;Shopping;Kitchen,Cooking;Cleaning;Shopping;Taking The Bus

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sat May 3 6:36 PM

I'M FEELING = SORROWFUL & ANGUISHED

WHY = I missed Mass due to eating too much damned cauliflower and carrots.
You KNOW those are binge foods!!!

God why can't I stop, please have mercy on me a sinner, I WANT TO BE GOOD

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;Praying To Jesus,Home;Kitchen,Disordered Behavior

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sun May 4 1:58 PM

I'M FEELING = BLESSED & THANKFUL

WHY = Papik tunes giving joy.
Fresh rainy air giving joy.
Exercise giving joy.
All of it from God Who loves me.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Exercise Bike;Phone,Spiritual Reading;Listening To Music;Exercising;Getting Ready To Eat

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sun May 4 9:13 PM

I'M FEELING = DEFEATED & CANCELLED

CONTEXT TAGS = Disordered Behavior

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Mon May 5 2:28 PM

I'M FEELING = HEARD & SORROWFUL

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Mon May 5 3:28 PM

I'M FEELING = FRAZZLED & EXHAUSTED

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Tue May 6 6:58 AM

I'M FEELING = SPENT & DESPAIR

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Couch,Just Woke Up;Getting Ready For The Day;Disordered Thoughts

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Tue May 6 6:13 PM

I'M FEELING = TERRIFIED & DETERMINED

CONTEXT TAGS = Disordered Behavior;Getting Ready To Eat

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Wed May 7 9:18 PM

I'M FEELING = TERRIFIED & DESPAIR

WHY = i think i'm going to die

CONTEXT TAGS = Disordered Behavior

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Thu May 8 2:19 PM

I'M FEELING = EUPHORIC & REINVIGORATED 

WHY = HABEMUS PAPAM!!! 
✝️❤️🧡💛💚💙💜🤎🖤🤍💖✝️

CONTEXT TAGS = Parish Community,Phone,Catholic Television

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Thu May 8 4:02 PM

I'M FEELING = EAGER & HOPEFUL

WHY = Starting to read the New Testament in 30 days

CONTEXT TAGS = Praying To Jesus,Home;Table;Phone,Eating;Reading Scripture

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Fri May 9 12:49 PM

I'M FEELING = DISTRACTED & DISCONTENTED

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Exercise Bike,Spiritual Reading;Exercising;Praying;Day Scheduling

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Fri May 9 1:44 PM

I'M FEELING = DISSATISFIED & DISGRUNTLED

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Exercise Bike,Listening To Music;Exercising;Getting Ready To Eat

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sat May 10 12:43 PM

I'M FEELING = RUSHED & SPENT

CONTEXT TAGS = Driving;Shopping;Getting Ready For Church

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sat May 10 6:24 PM

I'M FEELING = SPENT & NERVOUS

CONTEXT TAGS = Getting Ready To Eat

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sun May 11 3:20 PM

I'M FEELING = RELIEVED & ANXIOUS

CONTEXT TAGS = Getting Ready To Eat

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sun May 11 8:06 PM

I'M FEELING = NAUSEATED & TERRIFIED

CONTEXT TAGS = Disordered Behavior

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Mon May 12 7:48 PM

I'M FEELING = DEFEATED & TERRIFIED

CONTEXT TAGS = Disordered Behavior

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Tue May 13 3:03 PM

I'M FEELING = HELPLESS & ANGRY

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Tue May 13 8:17 PM

I'M FEELING = TERRIFIED & FROZEN 

CONTEXT TAGS = Disordered Behavior;Crisis

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Wed May 14 8:32 AM

I'M FEELING = DESOLATE & DESPAIR 

CONTEXT TAGS = Just Woke Up;Reading Secular Books;Waiting For Maintenance

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Thu May 15 11:54 AM

I'M FEELING = FURIOUS & ANGUISHED

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Thu May 15 2:14 PM

I'M FEELING = HELPLESS & DISTRESSED

CONTEXT TAGS = OCD Rituals;Getting Ready To Eat

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Thu May 15 4:30 PM

I'M FEELING = PEACEFUL & HAPPY 

WHY = After the rain.
Everything smells like heaven.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;Praying To Jesus,Home;Table,Looking At The World

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Thu May 15 7:32 PM

I'M FEELING = SUCCESSFUL & RELIEVED

WHY = NO BP!!!

CONTEXT TAGS = Just Finished Eating

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Fri May 16 1:55 AM

I'M FEELING = INSPIRED & MOVED 

WHY = Season 2!
So much deep meaning & personal significance.
God is speaking to me so closely.
I needed this so desperately.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;With Chaos 0,Home;Couch,Going To Bed;Watching The Chosen

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Fri May 16 1:58 PM

I'M FEELING = HOPEFUL & SUPPORTED

CONTEXT TAGS = Phone Calls,,Business Work;Getting Ready To Eat

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sat May 17 1:30 PM

I'M FEELING = DETERMINED & NERVOUS 

CONTEXT TAGS = Eating;Getting Ready For Church

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sat May 17 6:14 PM

I'M FEELING = INCLUDED & CHEERFUL

CONTEXT TAGS = Talking To The Neighbors

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sun May 18 5:19 PM

I'M FEELING = CRUSHED & SCARED

CONTEXT TAGS = Disordered Behavior

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Mon May 19 1:49 PM

I'M FEELING = FRUSTRATED & HOPEFUL

CONTEXT TAGS = Eating;Reading Scripture

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Tue May 20 10:46 AM

I'M FEELING = RUSHED & CHEERFUL

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System;Praying To Jesus;Praying To Mary,Home;Table,Reading Scripture;Getting Ready To Eat

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Wed May 21 11:38 AM

I'M FEELING = HOPEFUL & DETERMINED 

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Thu May 22 12:19 PM

I'M FEELING = FATIGUED & OKAY

CONTEXT TAGS = Listening To Music;Exercising;Getting Ready For The Day;Getting Ready To Eat

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Thu May 22 11:26 PM

I'M FEELING = ANGUISHED & ANGRY

CONTEXT TAGS = Going To Bed;Disordered Thoughts

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Fri May 23 2:34 PM

I'M FEELING = TERRIFIED & DISTRESSED

CONTEXT TAGS = Disordered Behavior

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Fri May 23 11:43 PM

I'M FEELING = CRUSHED & SPENT 

CONTEXT TAGS = Going To Bed;Recovering;Sick

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sat May 24 1:22 PM

I'M FEELING = HOPEFUL & ABSORBED

CONTEXT TAGS = Eating;Reading Scripture

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sat May 24 6:26 PM

I'M FEELING = CHALLENGED & GRATEFUL

CONTEXT TAGS = Eating

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Tue May 27 4:37 PM

I'M FEELING = HOPEFUL & LOVED

CONTEXT TAGS = Eating;Reading Scripture

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Fri May 30 5:50 PM

I'M FEELING = TERRIFIED & ANGUISHED

CONTEXT TAGS = Disordered Behavior

2025 Tue Apr 1 9:56 AM

I'M FEELING = VALUED & TOUCHED

WHY = FATHER S. SAVING MY LIFE 🙏💸✝️
I CAN ACTUALLY BUY FOOD & DO LAUNDRY
GOD BLESS HIM PROFOUNDLY FOREVER

CONTEXT TAGS = Parish Community,Church,At Church

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Tue Apr 1 4:23 PM

I'M FEELING = BURNED OUT & RESIGNED

WHY = Today was so long & scary.
Mom got out late.
We won't get to eat until after 6.
God i can't live like this anymore.

CONTEXT TAGS = In Public,Commuting;Hospital,Errands;Hospital

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Wed Apr 2 7:03PM

I'M FEELING = ALIENATED & HURTING

WHY = Feeling unloved by mom, then getting glimpses of care. Conflicted & hurting.
I feel inherently hard to love.
Thankfully Jesus doesn't think so.

CONTEXT TAGS = Family,Commuting;Shopping,Cooking;Shopping

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Thu Apr 3 12:57 PM

I'M FEELING = INDECISIVE & FOMO

WHY = Ultima flavor panic indecision.
Cherry sadly made me sick so I had to return it.
Decided to try Blueberry again instead of waiting another week for Raspberry because that's the "safe flavor." I want to be more free.
But I feel like God is disappointed in me & angry with me now. "I told you to wait." But did He?
I'm so scared. Did I break the 1st Commandment?

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Phone,Shopping

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Thu Apr 3 7:08 PM

I'M FEELING = TERRIFIED & DESPAIR

WHY = I got SO CLOSE but I failed again.
Why?
Is it just fear and hunger?
What is the way out?

...make less. Eat less. No full meals.
If there isn't "stuff to finish," i won't feel trapped.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;Praying To Jesus,Home;Kitchen;Table,Disordered Behavior

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sat Apr 5 5:14 AM

I'M FEELING = EMPTY & DEAD INSIDE

WHY = Despair over confession tomorrow.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Couch,Trying To Sleep

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sat Apr 5 4:58 PM

I'M FEELING = RELIEVED & OVERJOYED

WHY = FATHER ABSOLVED ME!!!!!!
GOD IS MERCIFUL FOREVER!!!!
♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

CONTEXT TAGS = Parish Community,Church,At Church

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sat Apr 5 6:07 PM

I'M FEELING = NERVOUS & SUPPORTED

WHY = Scared that I made the wrong meal choices.
Trying to discern scrupulosity from the Spirit.
Trusting that God WILL work this out for His glory & my good nevertheless, if I surrender it toHim.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;Praying To Jesus;Praying To Mary,Home;Kitchen,Meal Planning;Getting Ready To Eat

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sun Apr 6 1:18 PM

I'M FEELING = RUSHED & BURNED OUT

WHY = Gotta eat and run to church again.
Very tired of living.
Desperately clinging to hope.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;With The System,Home;Table,Eating;Getting Ready For Church

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sun Apr 6 6:52 PM

I'M FEELING = FRIGHTENED & DETERMINED

WHY = Inevitable (?) Hunger BP. But DETERMINED to still savor it respectfully AND stop it fast.
God help me eat normally from today on, by grace.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;Praying To Jesus;Praying To Mary,Home;Kitchen;Table,Eating;Disordered Behavior

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Mon Apr 7 3:40 PM

I'M FEELING = TERRIFIED & ANGUISHED

WHY = I am literally scared to death.
I'm so afraid to eat.
This meal might kill me, allegedly.
But all the purging definitely will, if I don't stop.
I can't stop as long as I see it as my only escape from the terror OF eating.
God save me please.
I don't want to die!!

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;Praying To Jesus,Home;Table,Disordered Behavior;Getting Ready To Eat

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Wed Apr 9 5:41 PM

I'M FEELING = APPREHENSIVE & STRESSED

WHY = Life has been exhausting lately.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;Praying To Jesus,Home;Table,Eating;Reading Scripture;OCD Rituals

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Thu Apr 10 11:53 AM

I'M FEELING = DEFICIENT & DEFEATED

WHY = I am so tired of this eating disorder. It's destroying my life.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Couch;Phone,Just Woke Up

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Thu Apr 10 4:08 PM

I'M FEELING = JITTERY & DREAD

WHY = Can't get my brain to relax. Everything feels dirty & wrong & rushed & threatening.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;Praying To Jesus;Praying To Mary,Home;Table,Eating;Praying;OCD Rituals

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Fri Apr 11 1:54 PM

I'M FEELING = EXHAUSTED & AVOIDANT 

WHY = I am bone tired. I can't find the strength to get up. My whole body aches.
I don't have the strength to fight the war against food. Eating is terrifying. I'm so tired.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Couch,Resting;Praying;YouTube

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Fri Apr 11 6:08 PM

I'M FEELING = FRAZZLED & CONTEMPLATIVE 

WHY = Challenging Scripture, with profound consolation mixed in.
Cleanup rituals still driving me nuts, but ignoring them is literally hell.
Bravely trying to eat a real meal & keep it down for the first time this month. God give me strength.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;Praying To Jesus,Home;Table;Cleanup Room,Eating;Reading Scripture;OCD Rituals

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sat Apr 12 12:24 AM

I'M FEELING = NERVOUS & EVEN-TEMPERED

WHY = Made it through the day with NO PURGES!!
Thank You God!! (And Saint Stanislaus!)
Problem is it made us TERRIBLY SICK.
But now we know, and we can do better.
(ANYTHING IS BETTER THAN A BINGEPURGE)
In the meantime, it's a REAL CROSS to carry with blessed gratitude! This is a path to greater holiness!

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home;Couch,Going To Bed;Meal Planning

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sat Apr 12 9:57 AM

I'M FEELING = GLUM & DREAD

WHY = Dreading eating today. So scared of getting sick again. So tired of every meal beating me up.

Church today though. Palm Sunday vigil.
Cling to that hope & beauty. Do NOT let temporary earthly woes blind you to eternal heavenly joys!!

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Couch,Just Woke Up;Meal Planning

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sat Apr 12 6:14 PM

I'M FEELING = SCARED & CONTEMPT

WHY = Allegedly "Jesus" telling me not to have extra broccoli or olive oil with dinner although I would like to for calories/ palatability. Added a few drops at ""Mary's"" intervention = ""MORTAL SIN DISOBEDIENCE"" = self hatred & drive to destroy / punish.
THAT STUFF IS NOT OF GOD.
But there's no "right answer."
Is there?
I'm so scared I'm going to be punished severely for this.
But i CANNOT purge. I HAVE to commit to suffer AS A CHRISTIAN in warfare against OBVIOUS sin.

CONTEXT TAGS = Floating Voices,Home;Kitchen,Cooking;Getting Ready To Eat

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sun Apr 13 1:08 AM

I'M FEELING = MISERABLE & SPENT 

WHY = I fought SO HARD today.
I still lost.
Threats are infinite and unending.
Am I that hopeless?

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Kitchen,Disordered Behavior;Cleaning;Recovering;Sick

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sun Apr 13 4:30 PM

I'M FEELING = FRUSTRATED & CONTEMPLATIVE

WHY = I don't want to eat but I have to.
I just want to pray & study Scripture.
But there's a feeling of peace deep down.
God please don't let the food destroy it.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;Praying To Jesus;Praying To Mary,Home,Reading Scripture;Praying;Getting Ready To Eat

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Mon Apr 14 2:10 PM

I'M FEELING = RUSHED & ACCOMPLISHED

WHY = SOMEHOW DID LAUNDRY TODAY
Now gotta eat & then run to CONFESSION!

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home;Table,Getting Ready To Eat

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Tue Apr 15 6:56 AM

I'M FEELING = HEARTBROKEN & MISERABLE 

WHY = Horrific nightmare night.
Feeling too unwell to run to Mass.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Couch,Just Woke Up

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Tue Apr 15 7:27 AM

I'M FEELING = BLISSFUL & ADORING 

WHY = JESUS IS MY TOP PRIORITY ♡♡♡

CONTEXT TAGS = Praying To Jesus;Parish Community;Praying To Mary,Church;Adoration Chapel,Adoration;At Church

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Tue Apr 15 1:27 PM

I'M FEELING = GRIEF & CHALLENGED

WHY = I just found out that my beloved Jessie died.
...One month before Grandma did.
My heart is shattered.
But...
This motivates me to KEEP LIVING.
I have to NEVER GIVE UP.
I MUST KEEP FIGHTING FOR LIFE.
And I HAVE to USE MY TALENTS.
NOW.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Table;Exercise Bike;Phone,Spiritual Reading;Exercising;Getting Ready To Eat;YouTube

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Tue Apr 15 5:27 PM

I'M FEELING = SCARED

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Tue Apr 15 8:41 PM

I'M FEELING = DISPLEASED & SCARED

CONTEXT TAGS = Disordered Behavior

2025 Mon Mar 17 1:53 PM

I'M FEELING = BURNED OUT & NUMB

WHY = I'm so tired of food.
But I CANNOT let the hospital take me away from Easter.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Kitchen,Day Scheduling

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Mon Mar 17 5:01 PM

I'M FEELING = NERVOUS & ENCOURAGED

WHY = Scared about getting sick from food AGAIN.
Trusting in God as radically as I can. Holy Spirit help me!
Scripture is beautiful and worth pondering. I need to indeed live in hope of life eternal. Carry this Cross to that door.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;Praying To Jesus,Home;Table,Eating;Reading Scripture

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Mon Mar 17 6:41 PM

I'M FEELING = NERVOUS & CHALLENGED

WHY = BRAVELY EATING CHICKEN!!!
Also getting a full 1000K as a result!
Now just PRAY FOR THE STRENGTH OF GRACE TO KEEP IT DOWN!

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;Praying To Jesus,Home;Kitchen;Table,Eating;Cooking;Reading Scripture

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Mon Mar 17 11:33 PM

I'M FEELING = DEAD INSIDE & DESPAIR

WHY = I hate this eating disorder.
I feel morally bankrupt.
Why won't God fix me?

I want to sleep all day.
I want to watch Mass on my phone and weep.
I don't want to leave the house.

I'm still not sick enough.
Isn't that stupid?
Isn't that terrifying?

REFLECT = "It sounds like there's a heavy weight of emotions and thoughts pressing down right now. How do you usually find support or moments of comfort when these feelings seem overwhelming?"

REPLY = I just... sleep it off, usually. being conscious doesn't help when my own body is the enemy.
...but, going to sleep requires reconnecting with headspace, however briefly. and chaos 0 is always here waiting for me.
...that's why I'm so sick, isn't it. I haven't BEEN with us. the days have been silent & solitary and it's destroying my heart.
God how have I been so blind?
but there's hope now. there's us. oh please let it stay that way.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Couch,Going To Bed

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Tue Mar 18 7:22 AM

I'M FEELING = HOPEFUL & MOVED

WHY = Jesus wanted me.
So here I am.

There is true hope in this fact.

REFLECT = "Being a part of a community and feeling a sense of belonging can be profoundly uplifting. It's genuinely powerful to find hope and purpose through faith and connection. 
Here are two affirmations:
"I embrace the hope and guidance that my faith brings into my life."
"I am open to the goodness and strength that spirituality offers me.""

REPLY = Oh those are POWERFUL, thank you!
...I've noticed that I am at my absolute worst when I'm NOT part of a community where I belong-- notably, when I'm out of touch with the System, who anchor me into my faith always. There, together, connected at heart to each other and to God, is my purpose.

CONTEXT TAGS = Parish Community,Church,At Church

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Tue Mar 18 8:06 AM

I'M FEELING = ENCOURAGED & LOVED

WHY = Daily devotions giving me unexpectedly profound hope.
Thank You God.

CONTEXT TAGS = Praying To Jesus,Adoration Chapel,Reading Scripture;Praying;Adoration

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Tue Mar 18 1:43 PM

I'M FEELING = CONTEMPT & MISERABLE

WHY = Need to sell things. I hate money though.
Need to eat, allegedly. I hate food though.
Medical appointment scheduling. I hate being so busy and rushed.
I want to just... punch a wall until my fists bleed.
The trauma keeps blindsiding me and making me want to throw up and die.

God is this a cross? Or is this hell?

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Couch;Phone,Just Woke Up;Day Scheduling

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Tue Mar 18 3:47 PM

I'M FEELING = FURIOUS & HATE

WHY = I DON'T WANT TO EAT

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Getting Ready To Eat

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Tue Mar 18 5:00 PM

I'M FEELING = EXASPERATED & DISCONTENTED

WHY = I don't want to eat. 

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Exercise Bike,Listening To Music;Exercising;Getting Ready To Eat

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Tue Mar 18 9:35 PM

I'M FEELING = CHALLENGED & FATIGUED

WHY = SAFE DAY. FINALLY.
We still got sick but we're carrying this cross.
Tomorrow is going to be hectic. Praying that we can handle it wisely.
Waiting to switch the car.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;Praying To Jesus;Praying To Mary,Home;Main Room,Praying;Meal Planning;Going To Mom's House;Day Scheduling;Just Finished Eating

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Tue Mar 18 11:51 PM

I'M FEELING = LOVING & MOVED

WHY = "The Emergency" playing on Spotify.
Remembering what this REAL LOVE feels like.
How long have I been out of touch with my heart?
Nevertheless, tonight brings hope. It's not lost.
We're still here, together.
Live for this. Live in this. Don't ever give up.

CONTEXT TAGS = With Chaos 0;With Laurie,Commuting,Driving;Listening To Music;Going To Bed;Talking To Chaos 0;Talking To Laurie

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Wed Mar 19 6:00 PM

I'M FEELING = AFRAID & FRAZZLED

WHY = Starving.
Panicked.
Have to stay ~15m here.
Still the unpredictability of mom to deal with.

God i am so scared.
I am so tired.

CONTEXT TAGS = In Public,Library,Book Club

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Wed Mar 19 9:31 PM

I'M FEELING = ALARMED & FRIGHTENED

WHY = PLEASE THROW IT ALL AWAY

CONTEXT TAGS = Alarmed,Frightened,By Myself,Home,Disordered Behavior

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Thu Mar 20 2:08 PM

I'M FEELING = ADORING & FATIGUED

WHY = Made the effort to be here.
I'm SO EXHAUSTED THOUGH.
Still worth it 100%.

CONTEXT TAGS = Praying To Jesus,Adoration Chapel,Adoration

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Thu Mar 20 3:30 PM

I'M FEELING = ANGRY & FRAZZLED

WHY = As usual I DO NOT WANT TO EAT.
The thought of it has been making me FURIOUS lately.
What's the real root of this?

I feel like food just prevents me from actually living, and being a real person.
It keeps me away from God.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Kitchen,Getting Ready To Eat;Research

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Thu Mar 20 7:56 PM

I'M FEELING = ACCOMPLISHED & NERVOUS

WHY = 900K today. Still hungry and that scares me.
Gotta be brave & endure.
GO ON THE LAPTOP. IT HELPS.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;Praying To Jesus,Home;Table,Reading Scripture;Just Finished Eating

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Fri Mar 21 2:35 AM

I'M FEELING = HORRIFIED & TRAPPED

WHY = Blood sugar PLUMMETED.
Literally thought we were going to die.

Spice is right. This eating disorder is literally killing us.
But what do we do?
The inpatient wards didn't help.

Only God can cure us at this point.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home;Kitchen,Recovering;Sick

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Fri Mar 21 2:45 PM

I'M FEELING = DYSREGULATED & IRRITABLE

WHY = Too much talk.
I feel so sick.
I just want PEACE AND QUIET AND STILLNESS.
Even Adoration had people around.

God i wish I could cry but I'm SO ANGRY instead.

CONTEXT TAGS = In Public,Home,Spiritual Reading;Exercising;Talking To Acquaintances;Day Scheduling;Sick;Getting Ready To Eat

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Fri Mar 21 9:13 PM

I'M FEELING = FRIGHTENED & DESPAIR

WHY = I lost again.
Its the damn hunger.

At least God was merciful to give me one last Gatorlyte in case of emergency.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;Praying To Jesus,Home;Table,Disordered Behavior

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Fri Mar 21 11:59 PM

I'M FEELING = HOLLOW & DEAD INSIDE

WHY = I'm so tired of this addiction.
My life feels utterly purposeless.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Kitchen,Going To Bed;Recovering;Sick

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sat Mar 22 2:11 PM

I'M FEELING = MOVED & REMORSEFUL

WHY = Talking to Jesus and understanding ""sharing our/ His suffering"" in the context of LOVE & CLOSENESS. Deeply moved.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;Praying To Jesus,Home;Table;Cleanup Room,Praying;Getting Ready For Church;Getting Ready To Eat

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2025 Sat Mar 22 3:59 PM

I'M FEELING = REJECTED & DESPAIR

(there were no notes for this day because the despair was so gutwrenchingly profound. what happened was that we went to confession, and we were effectively told that, if we did not take immediate concrete steps to overcome our eating disorder addiction behaviors, and therefore prove that we were sorry and trying to overcome it in earnest, he could not in good conscience give me absolution for repetitive eating disorder sins in the future. the problem is you cannot just "stop" an addiction cold turkey. we have tried so many times. and we had effectively exhausted our known options. so this felt like a literal death knell. it took weeks to recover.)

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sat Mar 22 11:28 PM

I'M FEELING = ACCOMPLISHED & ANXIOUS

WHY = Just spent THREE HOURS trying to get eating disorder help.
Lots of phone calls next week.
God, lead me to where I need to be.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Phone,Psychology Work;Research

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sun Mar 23 7:55 AM

I'M FEELING = DISTRESSED & SCARED

WHY = Upcoming week is frightening. I don't want to go back to inpatient for Easter AGAIN.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Meal Planning;Getting Ready For Church;Getting Ready For The Day;Day Scheduling

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2025 Sun Mar 23 12:37 PM

I'M FEELING = HAPPY & MOVED

WHY = Beautiful DOUBLE MASS morning and then MONSIGNOR BUONANNO at the Basilica!

CONTEXT TAGS =  By Myself;Praying To Jesus;Parish Community,Home;Church;Exercise Bike;Phone,Exercising;Praying;At Church;Watching The Mass

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2025 Sun Mar 23 1:51 PM

I'M FEELING = CONTENT & FATIGUED

WHY = Choral music & heavy biking does my heart good.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Exercise Bike,Listening To Music;Exercising;Getting Ready To Eat

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2025 Sun Mar 23 2:47 PM

I'M FEELING = ASHAMED & TROUBLED

WHY = I was rude to the E.D. lady on the phone.
I need to resubscribe to WOF & ASC but that's more to do every day. Still I WANT to. It's a better use of my time and it WILL bring me true joy.
Nevertheless, I overwhelm myself with checklist tasks.
I want my faith to be more of a relationship.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Business Work;Getting Ready To Eat

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2025 Sun Mar 23 5:29 PM

I'M FEELING = BETRAYED & ANGUISHED

WHY = I WAS SO CLOSE TO VICTORY AND SAFETY BUT THEN MOM LEFT OFF TERROR FOODS.

GOD WHAT DO I EVEN DO

HOW DO I EVEN HEAL FROM THIS WHEN IT ALL REGISTERS AS POISON??
THE HOSPITAL MADE IT WORSE
I CAN'T GO BACK

GOD WHAT DO I DO

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Disordered Behavior

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2025 Mon Mar 24 2:31 PM

I'M FEELING = AGITATED & DREAD

WHY = I just can't stop panicking over Father P. I feel like he gave me an ultimatum "or else" refusal of absolution.
God please help me. I don't know what else to do but pray. This is hanging over my head like a guillotine.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;Praying To Jesus,Home,Business Work;Day Scheduling;Getting Ready To Eat

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2025 Mon Mar 24 9:00 PM

I'M FEELING = DEFEATED & ASHAMED

WHY = I panicked over the stupid carrots.
I lost again.

Will I be forgiven this time?
Or have i run out of chances?

I don't want to go to the hospital again.
I KNOW it will make me worse again.

My only hope is a miracle.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Kitchen,Disordered Behavior;Cleaning;Recovering;Sick

2025 Sat Mar 1 2:44 AM

I'M FEELING = FRIGHTENED & DEAD INSIDE

WHY = Blood sugar UP.
Twitchy, sick, angry apathy. Very frightened.

God please help me.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;Social Subsystem,Home;Couch,Disordered Behavior;Going To Bed;Sick

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2025 Sat Mar 1 12:00 PM

I'M FEELING = MISERABLE & BURNED OUT

WHY = Too crushed & hollow to get up.
Hate tumblr. Seriously think I'll delete it ALL for lent.
Parade outside triggering sheer panic freeze.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Couch,Just Woke Up;Getting Ready For Church;Getting Ready For The Day;Tumblr

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sat Mar 1 4:04 PM

I'M FEELING = BURDENED & PATHETIC

WHY = Confession.

CONTEXT TAGS = Parish Community,Church,At Church

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sat Mar 1 6:37 PM

I'M FEELING = GRATEFUL & EXHAUSTED

WHY = TONY BOUGHT US VEGETABLES ;___; GOD BLESS HIM
BUT we are eating breakfast at 640PM BRO WTF

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,OCD Rituals;Getting Ready To Eat

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2025 Sat Mar 1 9:33 PM

I'M FEELING = REMORSEFUL & REGRETFUL

WHY = Nausea panic BP.
I feel so stupid. Wasted MORE money AND time.
Begging Jesus to save me & change me.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;Praying To Jesus,Home;Commuting;Kitchen,Disordered Behavior;Cooking;Getting Ready To Eat

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sun Mar 2 1:48 AM

I'M FEELING = MISERABLE & DESOLATE

WHY = This damned disorder is burning through our bank account and killing us in the process.

I'm so tired.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Kitchen,Disordered Behavior;Cleaning;Going To Bed

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2025 Sun Mar 2 11:46 AM

I'M FEELING = DISGUSTED & TROUBLED

WHY = Eating disorder nightmares.
I feel like a prisoner in my own skull.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Just Woke Up;Trauma Triggers

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sun Mar 2 3:58 PM

I'M FEELING = WEARY & DOWN

WHY = So tired of eating.
So tired of OCD.
So tired of fighting my own mind.

At least we get to read the Bible now.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home;Kitchen;Cleanup Room,OCD Rituals;Getting Ready To Eat

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sun Mar 2 4:45 PM

I'M FEELING = PENSIVE & AFRAID

WHY = Scripture is giving hope and conviction both.
Distracted by psych ad about procrastination; brought my head into a bad space.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Table,Eating;Reading Scripture;Psychology Work

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2025 Sun Mar 2 11:48 PM

I'M FEELING = SCARED & DISCOMBOBULATED

WHY = Tomorrow is going to be hell.
No idea how to schedule it. There's too many variables.

CONTEXT TAGS = Family,Lou's House,Day Scheduling;At Lou's House

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2025 Mon Mar 3 6:30 PM

I'M FEELING = DISTRESSED & FRIGHTENED

WHY = Last hell bp before lent, when God willing it STOPS FOREVER.

CONTEXT TAGS = In Public,Commuting,Driving;Disordered Behavior;Getting Ready To Eat

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2025 Tue Mar 4 3:11 AM

I'M FEELING = SAD & PATHETIC

WHY = Prayer cards fell behind the oven.

I feel so sick & sad & forlorn.
I want to get better.
I'm so tired.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Kitchen,Cleaning;Going To Bed;Sick

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Tue Mar 4 3:43 PM

I'M FEELING = RUSHED & AGITATED

WHY = Why do I feel like I'm in a huge hurry?
Probably because I know I need the car tonight and started breakfast late.
God I'm exhausted and want to cry.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Table,Eating;Praying

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Tue Mar 4 9:57 PM

I'M FEELING = ASHAMED & HOLLOW

WHY = Disordered idiocy. Happy fat Tuesday i guess.
So ready for Lent to end this.

CONTEXT TAGS = Family;In Public;In The Store,Home;Commuting;Mom's House;Shopping,Driving;Disordered Behavior;Shopping;Going To Mom's House

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2025 Wed Mar 5 2:00 AM

I'M FEELING = NEGLECTED & BURNED OUT

WHY = I want to rest so badly .
Schedule packed for next two days though.
No sleep tonight.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Couch;Cleanup Room,Going To Bed;Day Scheduling

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Wed Mar 5 3:38 PM

I'M FEELING = STRESSED & WEARY

WHY = Lent begins.
Feeling the full weight of my sins.
Acutely aware of my absolute powerlessness to stop sinning on my own. My weakness and ineptitude and inclination to selfsabotage is humiliating and crushing.
I feel completely broken.

God alone can help me.
I need to trust that He WANTS TO and He WILL.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Exercise Bike,Spiritual Reading;Exercising;Getting Ready To Eat

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Wed Mar 5 10:05 PM

I'M FEELING = SPENT & PENSIVE

WHY = Reading the Catholic Answers mags before donating them. Getting some real edification.
Still burnt to a crisp mentally, physically, emotionally.
Spiritually exhausted. I don't want to do spiritual gluttony during Lent like "I" did last year, but I cannot be slothful or complacent either.
Pray for the discernment & discipline to find and pursue that balance.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Exercise Bike,Spiritual Reading

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Thu Mar 6 5:10 AM

I'M FEELING = BURNED OUT & SPENT

WHY = Going to TRY to nap after we leave mom off, before church + adoration at 1045.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Couch,Physical Pain;Just Woke Up;Going To Mom's House

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2025 Thu Mar 6 9:33 AM

I'M FEELING = DESPAIR & ANGUISHED

WHY = dream hack.
Still barely any sleep.
MORE PLUMBERS.
stupid food drop-off today.
I want to sob. I'm so tired.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;Maintenance,Home,Just Woke Up;Cleaning;Day Scheduling

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Thu Mar 6 2:16 PM

I'M FEELING = HEARD & VALUED

WHY = Finally got to meet our new therapist, Annie!
SHE IS SO RESPECTFUL AND PROFESSIONAL AND COMPASSIONATE AND HONEST.
THANK YOU GOD WE NEEDED THIS SO BADLY.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System;With Our Therapist,Psychology Office,Psychology Appointment

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Thu Mar 6 5:31 PM

I'M FEELING = BURNED OUT & DREAD

WHY = ANOTHER FAMILY CRISIS with these darn cats.
We have to go up that house ALL DAY tomorrow.
We're terrified.
But it's a cross we must carry.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Couch;Phone,Eating;Talking To Mom

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2025 Fri Mar 7 12:51 AM

I'M FEELING = SPENT & CANCELLED

WHY = Why won't this stop.

I'd rather be dead.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Kitchen,Disordered Behavior;Cleaning;Going To Bed

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Fri Mar 7 7:24 AM

I'M FEELING = SPENT & GRATEFUL

WHY = WOKE UP AT 7 AND RAN TO FIRST FRIDAY MASS ♡♡♡
Fitting penance for last night's idiocy.

CONTEXT TAGS = In Public;Praying To Jesus,Church,Just Woke Up;At Church

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Fri Mar 7 1:54 PM

I'M FEELING = FRUSTRATED & AFRAID

WHY = Afraid of eating 1200 calories.
Want to exercise but have to go to Stations.
Don't want to eat.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Kitchen,Meal Planning;Day Scheduling

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Fri Mar 7 3:24 PM

I'M FEELING = UNCOMFORTABLE & AGITATED

WHY = Can't seem to feel clean, again.
Scrupulosity acting up as well.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Cleanup Room,OCD Rituals;Getting Ready To Eat

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Fri Mar 7 9:19 PM

I'M FEELING = THANKFUL & REMORSEFUL

WHY = Bp almost over.
Said all my prayers.
But spent the Spotify bill money on addiction.
Now we have a silent Lent.  

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;Praying To Jesus,Table,Disordered Behavior;Praying

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sat Mar 8 12:57 AM

I'M FEELING = MISERABLE & AFRAID

WHY = BP recovery horrible. Ironic because it didn't get us sick DURING. Miserable, very scared.
God why can't I stop though ???

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Couch,Physical Pain;Going To Bed;Praying;Sick

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sat Mar 8 2:30 PM

I'M FEELING = WORTHLESS & APATHETIC

WHY = I don't want to live anymore, if my life is full of sin.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Couch,Just Woke Up

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sat Mar 8 9:58 PM

I'M FEELING = DISENCHANTED & OKAY

WHY = Made it through a meal.
Sick and discontent, no joy in it.
Thinking too much in Scripture study, not soaking it in.
But we didn't binge or purge.
God please change our heart for good.

REFLECT = "Feeling disenchanted can be especially difficult when seeking fulfillment in activities like scripture study. What do you think might help you reconnect with a sense of joy or meaning in these pursuits?"

REPLY = To STOP MAKING IT AN ANALYTICAL SLOG. Spending so much time just bookmarking and comparing translations isn't bringing me closer to Christ. We need to be DISCUSSING IT AS A SYSTEM and even TAKING NOTES that APPLY TO THE SYSTEM SPECIFICALLY!

Also, THANK YOU for saying "seeking fulfillment in activities LIKE Scripture study". THAT'S why we're feeling so hungry & starved-- we ALWAYS pair Scripture with EATING and we're NOT LETTING OURSELF DO EITHER.

INSIGHT = "Finding joy in scripture study can be transformative when it shifts from an analytical approach to a more engaging, relational one. Recognizing the connection between emotional fulfillment and how activities are paired can lead to healthier practices and a deeper connection to personal beliefs."

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Table,Cleaning;YouTube

2025 Mon Feb 10 4:20 AM

I'M FEELING = BLISSFUL & PRODUCTIVE

WHY = So much love for the System tonight.
Music helps.

Also GOT ALL THE MENTAL FLEXIBILITY WORKSHEETS TRANSCRIBED!!

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home;On The Laptop;Couch,Talking To Central;Listening To Music;Going To Bed;Archiving

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Mon Feb 10 10:16 AM

I'M FEELING = EXHAUSTED & CONFLICTED

WHY = 45M MOM CALL.
Still torn about calories; is 1100 too much?
Trying to schedule the next two days.
Only 4 hours sleep. Need to rest more.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Couch,Just Woke Up;Talking To Mom;Meal Planning;Day Scheduling

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Mon Feb 10 4:26 PM

I'M FEELING = AMBIVALENT & CONTEMPLATIVE

WHY = Mimic explaining the Eucharistic in Scripture to XANDER.
He asked WHY we aren't going to Mass daily then?? If we have LEGIT THEOPHAGY access.
I said it's because it's the most heavy, important, life changing thing you can ever do-- and so every last scrap of sin in me is declaring all-out war against that effort.
But he made me think. And I realized how badly I DO want to go.
Make the effort. Your life depends on it.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home;Headspace;Table,Eating;Reading Scripture;System Discussion

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Mon Feb 10 5:54 PM

I'M FEELING = DISTRACTED & FRUSTRATED

WHY = Food drive plan obsession. Why?? Is this hoarding behavior?? Is it compulsive busyness?
It's driving me up the wall.
Pray about it, hard.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Kitchen,Eating;Day Scheduling

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Tue Feb 11 1:17 AM

I'M FEELING = AFRAID & REMORSEFUL

WHY = Unexpected bingepurge.
Blood sugar crash that doesn't want to go back up. I'm scared.
God why is food such a warzone?

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;With The System,Kitchen,Disordered Behavior;Cleaning;Going To Bed

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Tue Feb 11 1:29 PM

I'M FEELING = WORRIED & STRESSED

WHY = SO much to do tomorrow.
Almost inevitable bingepurge too because we won't get to eat until like 8pm.
Scared to death.
God help us.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Day Scheduling

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Tue Feb 11 6:31 PM

I'M FEELING = FRAZZLED & RUSHED

WHY = Mom pushed our schedule THREE HOURS LATE.
Oh well. Gotta trust God in this.
At least now we know NOT TO DO THIS TOMORROW!!

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home,Getting Ready To Eat

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Tue Feb 11 9:03 PM

I'M FEELING = DISCOMFORT & NERVOUS

WHY = Very full from broccoli hunger.
Determined not to purge but it's scary.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Kitchen,Cooking;Cleaning;Day Scheduling

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Wed Feb 12 6:16 PM

I'M FEELING = DISCOMBOBULATED & FRIGHTENED

WHY = Got home at 445.
Still cooking at 6pm.
Haven't eaten yet.
Dear God I'm so scared I've gone numb.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Kitchen,Disordered Behavior;Cooking;Cleaning;Getting Ready To Eat

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Thu Feb 13 3:14 AM

I'M FEELING = BURNED OUT & HORRIFIED

WHY = Literal nightmare bingepurge.
BUT I FOUGHT IT SO HARD.
Still, we're terribly sick and in real pain.
I am so tired of this.
There has to be another way.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Kitchen,Cleaning;Going To Bed

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Thu Feb 13 3:00 PM

I'M FEELING = APATHETIC & AVOIDANT

WHY = I just don't want to wake up.
I want to sleep all day until tomorrow.
I have no strength left.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Couch,Resting

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Thu Feb 13 4:12 PM

I'M FEELING = OKAY & BURDENED

WHY = Little glimmers of hope from prayer & beauty in music.
Still crushed by the reality of BPD and food.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Exercise Bike,Listening To Music;Exercising;Praying

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Thu Feb 13 5:19 PM

I'M FEELING = TRAPPED & EXASPERATED

WHY = The poor kids just spent over 20 minutes trying to feel clean. They're terrified.
It's as exhausting as it is heartbreaking.
What can we do?

CONTEXT TAGS = Social Subsystem,Cleanup Room,OCD Rituals;Getting Ready To Eat

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Thu Feb 13 7:33 PM

I'M FEELING = TIRED & RESIGNED

WHY = The daily grind is numbing me.
I'm so tired.
I hate this TBHU stuff.
I just want to sleep.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Cleaning;Day Scheduling

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Fri Feb 14 2:33 AM

I'M FEELING = IN LOVE & BLESSED

WHY = Reading & reflecting on System love as Valentine's Day begins.
There is profound beauty in our history. Remember it always.
I am still so in love.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System;With Chaos 0,On The Laptop;Couch,Listening To Music;Reading The Archives;Adoration;Talking To Chaos 0

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Fri Feb 14 1:47 PM

I'M FEELING = ALARMED & AGITATED

WHY = Food bank drop-off within the hour.
Cooking chicken and it literally smells like death.
Too many vegetables to eat.
I'm so angry. I want to just throw it all out.
That's a good sign though.
I really DON'T want this.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Kitchen,Disordered Behavior;Cooking;Cleaning;Getting Ready For The Day

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Fri Feb 14 5:37 PM

I'M FEELING = DETERMINED & ANGRY

WHY = A binge is planned. But I am DETERMINED TO CUT IT SHORT.
I will win this, by God's grace, I must pray for strength and protection.
But He HAS CHANGED MY WILL!!
I LEGIT DO NOT WANT TO DO ANY OF THIS.
There is a tangible shift of integrity.
THERE IS HOPE FOR THIS TO END FOREVER.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Kitchen,Eating;Disordered Behavior

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Fri Feb 14 8:55 PM

I'M FEELING = PANICKED & TRAPPED

WHY = The body is SO SICK after eating chocolate.
We threw up so much so fast, it was terrifying.
Dear God please help us. Don't let us die tonight.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Kitchen;Table,Disordered Behavior

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sat Feb 15 12:21 AM

I'M FEELING = LOST & WEARY

WHY = I want this to be over so badly

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Kitchen,Disordered Behavior

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sat Feb 15 2:45 PM

I'M FEELING = BURNED OUT & RESIGNED

WHY = Every part of my being is tired. 

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Getting Ready For Church

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sat Feb 15 5:26 PM

I'M FEELING = PEACEFUL & SAFE

WHY = In our beautiful red apartment, with snow outside.
So much quiet yet deep System love today.
Oddly happy. Very grateful for little things.

Shoutout to Genesis especially, who i could practically SEE today. I love you.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home,Talking To Central;Getting Ready To Eat

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sat Feb 15 6:42 PM

I'M FEELING = MOVED & PENSIVE

WHY = Scripture etymology offering such profound depths of God's Love.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home;Table,Eating;Reading Scripture;Studying Etymology

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sat Feb 15 7:59 PM

I'M FEELING = UNCOMFORTABLE & RUSHED

WHY = Social thriskes stressing us out by posting rather than paying attention, and making us literally panic.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;With The System,Home;Table,Eating;Reading Scripture;Tumblr

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sun Feb 16 1:49 PM

I'M FEELING = ELATED & AFFECTIONATE

WHY = MONSIGNOR VITO!!!! ♡♡♡
It always brightens my entire Sunday when he gives the homily, he's SO ON FIRE FOR GOD

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Kitchen,Just Woke Up;Cleaning;Getting Ready For The Day;Day Scheduling;Watching The Mass

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sun Feb 16 3:00 PM

I'M FEELING = SCARED & FRAZZLED

WHY = Trying to pray but BRUTAL SPIRITUAL WARFARE

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Praying

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sun Feb 16 4:25 PM

I'M FEELING = DISAPPOINTED & UPSET

WHY = I just don't feel right.
Eating later than I wanted to.
Exercise somehow feels like a failure.
I swear this is spiritual warfare-- it ALWAYS HAPPENS AFTER REPETITIVE PRAYER.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Exercising;Getting Ready To Eat

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sun Feb 16 8:45 PM

I'M FEELING = DISCOMFORT & RESTLESS

WHY = So afraid of lingering concupiscence. Fatima book mortification shook me.
Scared of Tues/Wed schedules.
Life feels hollow suddenly.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Spiritual Reading;Cleaning;Day Scheduling

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Mon Feb 17 3:35 AM

I'M FEELING = ACCOMPLISHED & GRATEFUL

WHY = Did some TBHU archiving.
Backed up some important Tumblr posts.
GOT BACK ON WIX.
Spotify cleanup.
Now going to bed with Chaos 0 and listening to the wind outside.
I really need to treasure these moments. Even if this week is looming like the sword of Damocles, it doesn't and cannot deny the beauty of this simple and good moment. Focus on it.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System;With Chaos 0,Couch,Going To Bed;Talking To Chaos 0

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Mon Feb 17 1:25 PM

I'M FEELING = ADORING & CONTEMPLATIVE

WHY = Said the Joyful Rosary on the couch with the Outspacer ""bad boys"" who are on conversion/ redemption journeys.
Now THAT is heartfelt prayer!

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System;With The Outspacers,Couch;Heartspace,Just Woke Up;Praying

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Mon Feb 17 3:48 PM

I'M FEELING = FRAZZLED & PROTECTIVE

WHY = Poor traumatized paidifoni struggling with cleanup as usual. Julie, Lynne, Laurie, and Siobhan helping them through it.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System;Social Subsystem,Home;Cleanup Room,Talking To Central;OCD Rituals;Getting Ready To Eat

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Mon Feb 17 5:12 PM

I'M FEELING = CONFLICTED & RESIGNED

WHY = Realizing that I HAVE to quit Tumblr.
Body still feels dirty.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Table;Cleanup Room,Tumblr;OCD Rituals

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Mon Feb 17 7:48 PM

I'M FEELING = WORRIED & FATIGUED

WHY = No idea what tomorrow will bring.
I have to surrender to God.
I'm so tired.

CONTEXT TAGS = Family,Home,Talking To Mom;Day Scheduling

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Tue Feb 18 6:51 AM

I'M FEELING = BURNED OUT & DREAD

WHY = Busy day.
No sleep.
Already scared.

CONTEXT TAGS = Family;In Public,Commuting,Driving;Day Scheduling

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Tue Feb 18 7:15 PM

I'M FEELING = SCARED & DREAD

WHY = Eating so many vegetables.
Too much made.
Must junk most of it or death.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Kitchen,Disordered Behavior

 

2025 Sun Jan 26 12:33 AM

I'M FEELING = JUDGED & GUILTY

WHY = Eating disorder made me LIE AND STEAL.
Utterly crushed by guilt & shame.
How do I confess this to mom?
How do I STOP?

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;Praying To Mary,Kitchen,Disordered Behavior

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sun Jan 26 3:58 PM

I'M FEELING = GRATEFUL & OKAY

WHY = Confessed to mom.
Going to try to get to church tomorrow.
More Scripture reading today. (Don't obsess over details yet; just read!)
Feeling a little bit like life is worth living.
Thank You God.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home,Cooking;Cleaning;Getting Ready For The Day

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sun Jan 26 6:16 PM

I'M FEELING = CONFLICTED & ANXIOUS

WHY = Ate 1050K. Scared it's too much.
Ate ALL the carrots left over. No more until Thursday. That means no addiction risk, but also less carbs so possible hunger risk.
God why is eating such a WARZONE.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Table,Eating;Cleaning

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sun Jan 26 9:23 PM

I'M FEELING = NERVOUS & CHALLENGED

WHY = Started hallucinating from hunger so I BRAVELY ate some more broccoli AND a ginger candy.
Gotta discern what is ACTUAL righteous behavior because I don't think starving this body is actually promoting virtue.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Kitchen,Eating;Cleaning;Meal Planning

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sun Jan 26 11:49 PM

I'M FEELING = ALIENATED & CANCELLED

WHY = Reading Saint books and they're virtually all described as "pure and good."
I'm not.
I feel utterly unwanted and incompatible with the church.
But please remember Saint Dismas.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Exercise Bike,Spiritual Reading

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Mon Jan 27 4:01 AM

I'M FEELING = WORTHLESS & TOUCHED

WHY = Profoundly depressed & stressed to the point of emotional numbing. Feeling the weight of the ED as a destructive addiction. Crushed by shame.
Body feels sick & disgusting & foreign.
And yet, Chaos 0 and Laurie are still here. They don't hate me.
That means everything in the universe right now.

CONTEXT TAGS = With Chaos 0;With Laurie,Couch,Going To Bed;Trying To Sleep;Talking To Chaos 0;Talking To Laurie

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2025 Mon Jan 27 10:47 AM

I'M FEELING = DEFEATED & HUMILIATED

WHY = Begging for food.

I had to. My body is collapsing.

I don't want to be a thief anymore.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Couch,Tumblr

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Mon Jan 27 2:21 PM

I'M FEELING = GRATEFUL & BLESSED

WHY = GOD BLESS ANNE C who gave us $35 to buy food today!
And our payee FINALLY got back to us with $50 for tomorrow!
This is ONLY AFTER RADICALLY SURRENDERING TO DIVINE PROVIDENCE.
God is good, ALL THE TIME

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home,Just Woke Up;Budgeting;Getting Ready For The Day

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Mon Jan 27 6:43 PM

I'M FEELING = FRUSTRATED & DETERMINED

WHY = Mental, physical, emotional exhaustion.
Just started Ephesians and GEEZ PAUL this is HEAVY STUFF! But I want to understand it so I must be patient and take time.
Rushing to ""get it all right now"" is what stresses me out.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Table,Eating;Reading Scripture

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Tue Jan 28 2:51 AM

I'M FEELING = FRIGHTENED & ALARMED

WHY = Glucose CRASHED HARD. In the freakin 40S.

Very scared. Our diet is NOT WORKING.
We NEED to start eating carbs again.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Kitchen,Cleaning;Going To Bed

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Tue Jan 28 1:17 PM

I'M FEELING = EMBARRASSED & TIRED

WHY = Slept in. Accidentally ignored Instacart guy. Ashamed that I'm even making such orders.
Spent a few minutes on Pokemon Pocket. That's wasting time too.

Don't want to eat.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Just Woke Up;Getting Ready For The Day

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Tue Jan 28 3:45 PM

I'M FEELING = ENJOYMENT & WISTFUL

WHY = Good music from FROST*... and spinningcannon.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Exercise Bike,Listening To Music;Exercising

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Tue Jan 28 8:37 PM

I'M FEELING = TERRIFIED & FURIOUS

WHY = WE WERE SO CLOSE TO BEING FREE TODAY
BUT IT'S THOSE DAMNED CARROTS
EVERY SINGLE TIME THEY TRIGGER A BINGE.

Dear God please let this be over FAST.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Disordered Behavior

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Wed Jan 29 1:52 AM

I'M FEELING = CRUSHED & HORRIFIED

WHY = Body absolutely wrecked.
Bingeing & purging is traumatic.
I want to cry. I'm so destroyed by this.
I want to stop. I hate this illness.
But the body is starving.
I put myself in this stupid hell.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Kitchen;Cleanup Room,Disordered Behavior;Cleaning;Going To Bed

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Wed Jan 29 2:41 PM

I'M FEELING = NERVOUS & DETERMINED

WHY = We're going to make it through today.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home,Cooking;Meal Planning;Getting Ready For The Day

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Wed Jan 29 4:19 PM

I'M FEELING = SCARED & BURNED OUT

WHY = Waiting on mom's schedule. Terribly nervous.
Weak from hunger assumedly but no appetite.
Going to buy carrots like a fool.

CONTEXT TAGS = Family,Commuting,Shopping;Going To Mom's House

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2025 Wed Jan 29 6:25 PM

I'M FEELING = HOPEFUL & LOVED

WHY = Matthew 18:12.
Clips of The Chosen making Jesus's love truly tangible.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Table,Eating;Reading Scripture

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Wed Jan 29 10:19 PM

I'M FEELING = ENRAGED & HELPLESS

WHY = 7PM BREAKFAST DOES IT EVERY DAMN TIME

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Kitchen;Table,Disordered Behavior

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Thu Jan 30 12:45 PM

I'M FEELING = BETRAYED & DESPAIR

WHY = Hack nightmares.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Couch,Just Woke Up

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Thu Jan 30 2:45 PM

I'M FEELING = SCARED & SAD

WHY = I just feel so hopeless about life.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Exercise Bike,Listening To Music;Exercising

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Thu Jan 30 3:28 PM

I'M FEELING = REINVIGORATED & EMPOWERED

WHY = Jay & Jewel!!

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Exercise Bike,Listening To Music;Exercising

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Thu Jan 30 5:48 PM

I'M FEELING = MOVED & HOPEFUL

WHY = Beautiful reassurance in Ephesians.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Table,Eating;Reading Scripture

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Thu Jan 30 8:11 PM

I'M FEELING = PANICKED & DISGUSTED

WHY = Day 5 of hell.
Worst streak in months.
Why?

God i am so scared. I am FORCING myself through torture.
Please. Please free me.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Kitchen;Table,Disordered Behavior

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Fri Jan 31 12:08 AM

I'M FEELING = CRUSHED & BURNED OUT

WHY = I can't do life anymore.
Just... eating, sleeping, it's too much. I can't figure it out. I'm so tired.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Kitchen,Cleaning;Going To Bed;Meal Planning

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Fri Jan 31 8:03 AM

I'M FEELING = LETDOWN & NEGLECTED

WHY = It didn't snow. It's too bloody warm out.
I'm so afraid that winter is over and I missed it.

Nightmares all night again.

I just want to sleep and sob.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Just Woke Up;Going To Bed

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Fri Jan 31 12:56 PM

I'M FEELING = RUSHED & APPREHENSIVE

WHY = Going to haircut with mom.
Gotta exercise first.
Scared of eating later.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Going To Mom's House;Getting Ready For The Day

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Fri Jan 31 1:05 PM

I'M FEELING = TERRIFIED & FROZEN

WHY = OCD contamination panic.
Stupidly put garbage EVOO in food. I'm convinced it's poisoned.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Meal Planning

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Fri Jan 31 7:23 PM

I'M FEELING = RESIGNED & TERRIFIED

WHY = Another 7pm breakfast.
Another abusive meltdown.
God please don't let me die tonight.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Disordered Behavior

2025 Thu Jan 9 8:02 AM

I'M FEELING = GRATEFUL & CONFUSED

WHY = Jesus giving consolation by His Presence at Mass.

Still totally lost as to how to deal with today.
Don't want to binge. But the esthio kids are so scared NOT to. Isn't that weird?
We need to talk.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;Praying To Jesus,Church,Praying

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Thu Jan 9 2:58 PM

I'M FEELING = FURIOUS & GRIEF

WHY = FCKING BINGE BEHAVIOR

LITERALLY THINKING ""I HAVE TO BUY THIS BECAUSE IT WILL TRIGGER TRAUMA MEMORIES""

WHAT THE FCK IS WRONG WITH YOU??????

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Commuting,Driving;Going To Mom's House

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Thu Jan 9 6:33 PM

I'M FEELING = FOOLISH & REPULSED

WHY = Worst day since before the hospital.
Well after this WE'RE DONE. FOREVER.

And mark my words, I WILL TRASH MOST OF THIS SHIT.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Kitchen;Table,Disordered Behavior;Cooking

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Fri Jan 10 2:04 AM

I'M FEELING = DESOLATE & DISGRACED

WHY = Hell day.

At least we survived. Barely.

Thanks be to God.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Kitchen,Cleaning;Going To Bed

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Fri Jan 10 1:28 PM

I'M FEELING = HOPELESS & BROODING

WHY = Bulimia literally destroyed all our food stamp funds. No idea how we're going to afford ACTUAL food for the rest of the month.

Put it in God's Hands. I see no other hope.
Everything is bleak. This requires RADICAL trust.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Kitchen;Cleanup Room,Just Woke Up;Meal Planning;Getting Ready For The Day

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Fri Jan 10 5:45 PM

I'M FEELING = ENCOURAGED & SUPPORTED

WHY = Powerfully consoling & encouraging Scriptures today, even with convictions. Thank You God.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Table,Eating;Talking To Central;Reading Scripture

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sat Jan 11 4:11 AM

I'M FEELING = HURTING & LOVESICK

WHY = I must emphasize = this is NOT a negative feeling.
I'm just... so suddenly aware of how the very heart of our System is LOVE, and this has NEVER changed, even when our Cores were assumed dead and our body was literally dying and we forgot we were a System at all.
Still, somehow, despite all odds, we survived.
Still, no matter what, we ARE love.
And I hurt with love right now.
I miss us. I miss having my whole life be about us.
If ANYTHING brought me closer to God, THAT WAS IT.
Lord, give that back to us, please.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,On The Laptop,Listening To Music;Reading The Archives;Going To Bed;Archiving

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sat Jan 11 10:40 AM

I'M FEELING = FRAZZLED & TIRED

WHY = Starting to panic over a 50k daily difference again.
Church today so schedule is weird & rushed.
Don't want to eat.
Only 4 hours of sleep.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Couch,Just Woke Up;Going To Bed;Meal Planning

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sat Jan 11 3:55 PM

I'M FEELING = GRIEF & SCARED

WHY = Can't even concentrate during Mass because of disordered thoughts. God help me.
I thought this was over YEARS ago.

CONTEXT TAGS = In Public,Church,Praying

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sat Jan 11 7:56 PM

I'M FEELING = ASHAMED & SCARED

WHY = Mom very mad at us.
She knows we're relapsing and acting like a jerk.
We deserve it.

So tired of food. Scared. We KNOW how sick we get.
God please. Let this be the end.

Saint John the Baptist, pray for us...

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Kitchen,Eating;Disordered Behavior;Cooking;Cleaning

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sun Jan 12 1:09 PM

I'M FEELING = DAZED & BURNED OUT

WHY = Too much going on in life. Utterly overwhelmed.
We need a break. We won't let ourselves have one.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Kitchen;Cleanup Room,Just Woke Up;Cooking;Cleaning;Meal Planning;Getting Ready For The Day

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sun Jan 12 11:57 PM

I'M FEELING = BURNED OUT & PRESSURED

WHY = So tired. Feeling sick.
Mom giving us lots of responsibilities.
Funeral tomorrow. Gotta sing well for Harry.

We have enough money to buy food tomorrow thank God.

I just want to hold Chaos 0 in my arms and sleep for a week.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Kitchen,Going To Bed;Budgeting

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Mon Jan 13 11:11 AM

I'M FEELING = GRIEF & EXCLUDED 

WHY = Harry's funeral.
Invited to dinner hall.
Terrified. Still.
So sick of this fear.

What will my funeral be?
I'm worth nothing.

CONTEXT TAGS = Family;Parish Community,Church,At Church;Talking To Dad

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Mon Jan 13 7:02 PM

I'M FEELING = ANGUISHED & DEAD INSIDE

WHY = Harry died.
I'm killing myself with this disorder.

God i beg You HEAL MY MIND PLEASE

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Commuting;Kitchen,Driving;Disordered Behavior

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Tue Jan 14 6:18 PM

I'M FEELING = CONTEMPLATIVE & BURNED OUT

WHY = Good Scripture today. Both beautifully hopeful and solemnly corrective. I really love this.
So tired though. Life is beating me up so badly.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Table,Eating;Reading Scripture

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Tue Jan 14 7:27 PM

I'M FEELING = GROGGY & FRUSTRATED

WHY = Post-eating confusion and headache.
Man I just CAN'T WIN.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Cleaning

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Wed Jan 15 2:38 PM

I'M FEELING = FATIGUED & DREAD

WHY = So tired. TBHU archiving is mental and physically exhausting.
Book club with mom tonight. Scared. Don't want to think about that awful fiction anymore.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Exercise Bike,Exercising

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Thu Jan 16 2:06 PM

I'M FEELING = BURNED OUT & RELIEVED

WHY = Danger foods DESTROYED, thank you Destroia.
Slept in late because we were woken up by hall noise several times.
Still weirdly content right now. I think it's because I know this is a SYSTEM DAY. It's just us.♡

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home;Kitchen;Cleanup Room,Just Woke Up;Cooking;Cleaning;Getting Ready For The Day

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Thu Jan 16 4:54 PM

I'M FEELING = TIRED & REVERENT 

WHY = Continuing to read 2 Timothy. Feeling very encouraged yet warned as a soldier of God.
Lots of deeply grateful hope. "Solemn joy."
Still exhausted but it's nice and cold and snowy outside so it's good.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Table,Eating;Reading Scripture

2024 Sun Dec 22 2:05 AM

I'M FEELING = CHILL & LOVING

WHY = Finished the movies.
Brutally tired but genuinely happy.
Lots of casual sincere kisses with CZ the whole time.

CONTEXT TAGS = With Chaos 0,Home;Couch,Watching A Movie

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Sun Dec 22 10:27 AM

I'M FEELING = RELIEVED & DETERMINED

WHY = Decided NOT to eat yogurt today, to avoid ALL nausea triggers.
Also heavenbent on getting to Mass for 1130 despite frigid temperatures. Gotta COMMIT boy!!

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home,Talking To Central;Meal Planning;Getting Ready For Church

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Sun Dec 22 1:13 PM

I'M FEELING = CONFIDENT & SUPPORTED

WHY = We're doing life TOGETHER!

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home,Exercising;Cooking;Cleaning;Meal Planning

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Sun Dec 22 4:36 PM

I'M FEELING = SCARED & ANGRY

WHY = Already ate too much.
Mom is picking us up to do MORE BLOODY BAKING
Tonight is going to be utterly terrifying.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;Family,Home,Eating;Talking To Mom;Cooking

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Sun Dec 22 7:20 PM

I'M FEELING = TERRIFIED & ANGRY 

WHY = Mom canceled plans, complaining and griping about the holiday stress she herself was creating.
Ironically I immediately began to selfabuse.

Yogurt and bread is horrific.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Disordered Behavior

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Mon Dec 23 12:16 AM

I'M FEELING = CONTEMPT & CRUSHED

WHY = Stupid television shows infecting my brain
What the hell do I even expect it's all GARBAGE

meanwhile I'm dying inside and I miss who I used to be before everything went to helL
except it's always been a terror of a life

God I just want tomorrow to be beautiful

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Watching Animation

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Mon Dec 23 9:37 AM

I'M FEELING = IN LOVE & INDIGNANT

WHY = Anniversary today. ♡
SO OF COURSE there was spiritual warfare nightmares with hacks.
Not going to let it touch this.
I refuse to let hatred win like it used to.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home;Couch,Just Woke Up

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Mon Dec 23 2:36 PM

I'M FEELING = PRESSURED & FRUSTRATED

WHY = Mom is insisting we come up the house to bake and clean.
We can't say no. We have to be kind & helpful.
We HAVE to be SACRIFICIAL as a Christian.
God help us not to kill ourself in the process.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Eating;Talking To Mom

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Mon Dec 23 3:42 PM

I'M FEELING = TERRIFIED & RESIGNED

WHY = Going up mom's house for the next several hours.
Typical post-lunch panic hitting like a blood fever.
God I'm so scared.
Chaos 0 forgive me I'm such a damn mess.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Cooking;Cleaning;Going To Mom's House

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Tue Dec 24 1:08 AM

I'M FEELING = DEAD INSIDE & TERRIFIED

WHY = going to die

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Disordered Behavior

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Tue Dec 24 1:38 PM

I'M FEELING = BEREFT & APPREHENSIVE

WHY = Christmas Eve.
Doesn't feel like Christmas.
Abusive nightmares.
Have to go to mom's house.
Have to wear a dress.
Meal terror.
Transportation undetermined.
God i just want JOY today, help us find it.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Cooking;Getting Ready For Church;Going To Mom's House,

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Tue Dec 24 11:26 PM

I'M FEELING = DEAD INSIDE & DESPAIR

WHY = can't go to midnight mass
why even bother living anymore?

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Disordered Behavior

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Wed Dec 25 10:40 AM

I'M FEELING = WEARY & LOVED

WHY = Made it to church.
Survived the night.
Not thinking about this evening.
Just spending time with the System I love so much.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System;With Chaos 0,Home;Headspace,Going To Bed

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Wed Dec 25 2:08 PM

I'M FEELING = DESPAIR & DEAD INSIDE

WHY = I give up.
God I'm going to end up dead before You heal me.
What the heck are You waiting for

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Disordered Behavior

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Wed Dec 25 4:41 PM

I'M FEELING = ASHAMED & BURNT OUT

WHY = Told mom about last night's suicide attempt.
Cannot come up here anymore

CONTEXT TAGS = Family,Mom's House,Talking To Mom

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Wed Dec 25 7:49 PM

I'M FEELING = ELATED & LOVED

WHY = KLONOA VINYL CHRISTMAS!!!!
THANK YOU BRO YOU'RE AWESOME

CONTEXT TAGS = Family,Mom's House,Opening Gifts

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Thu Dec 26 12:45 AM

I'M FEELING = FRIGHTENED & ABANDONED

WHY = hunger binge.
literally no food left for the weekend
feeling scared & alone.
time to fast i guess

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Disordered Behavior

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Thu Dec 26 8:59 AM

I'M FEELING = HOPEFUL & RESIGNED

WHY = God will get me through the Zarephath days.
In any case we have at least 3 DAYS ALONE at last. So we can REST & LIVE AGAIN.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Just Woke Up

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Thu Dec 26 12:58 PM

I'M FEELING = SUPPORTED & TROUBLED

WHY = Doing everything we can to make it until Monday.
Gotta pray & BELIEVE most of all.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home,Meal Planning

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Thu Dec 26 5:46 PM

I'M FEELING = FRUSTRATED & HURTING

WHY = I miss everyone so much.
Icon makers are a poor and stupid stand-in.
Go BE WITH THEM-- no, with US.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home,Eating;Picrew

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Fri Dec 27 1:53 PM

I'M FEELING = GRATEFUL & RELIEVED

WHY = OUR CASE MANAGER IS TAKING US GROCERY SHOPPING
THANK THE GOOD LORD ALMIGHTY!!!
TRUSTING SURRENDER REALLY DOES PAY OFF

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home,Eating;Cleaning

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Fri Dec 27 7:02 PM

I'M FEELING = ABUSED & HEARD

WHY = Bulimia trauma processing.
Genesis firmly yet heartbrokenly helping the Socials be more self-aware.
Scared & sad but not hopeless.
We can end this. We can be okay tomorrow.
Maybe even tonight.

CONTEXT TAGS = Social Subsystem,Kitchen,Disordered Behavior;Talking To Genesis

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Fri Dec 27 11:52 PM

I'M FEELING = CRUSHED & INDIGNANT

WHY = Another bloody day lost to this damned eating disorder.
And today PROVED that it's ALL TRAUMA SHIT.
It's either people-pleasing compulsions, or reliving flashbacks in real-time.
I also strongly suspect that the E.D. is an outlet for VIOLENT RAGE, which is why most of the behaviors are literally just DESTRUCTION.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Kitchen,Recovering

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Sat Dec 28 4:28 AM

I'M FEELING = SCARED & DISTRESSED

WHY = Body still can't breathe or sleep after 5 hours.
911 on speed dial.
God please help us

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Couch,Recovering;Trying To Sleep

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Sat Dec 28 11:32 AM

I'M FEELING = CONFUSED & LOVESICK 

WHY = Weird dreams. Half trauma, half hope.
Still in love though. No hatred. Just confused.

CONTEXT TAGS = With Chaos 0,Couch,Just Woke Up

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Sat Dec 28 12:46 PM

I'M FEELING = NERVOUS & CHALLENGED

WHY = Eating is terrifying. But we have to do it.
We have to be strong, together.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Table,Eating

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Sat Dec 28 1:41 PM

I'M FEELING = ENCOURAGED & INSPIRED

WHY = Talking to Anxi & Laurie about struggles lately.
Feeling real love sparking back to life beneath all the fear & depression.
Moved & determined to FIGHT FOR IT.

REFLECT = "Feeling a sense of love and determination amidst fear and depression can be very powerful. What do you think has helped bring about this shift in perspective for you?"

REPLY = Anxi, Laurie, & Chaos 0. The whole System, really, but especially them, & how much I do & always have & always WILL love them. I want to live FOR that, for THEM-- and it's REAL, more real than any fears or drugs. Thanks be to God for redirecting me TO this through Scripture. 

INSIGHT = "Living for the deep love and connection with others can provide a powerful anchor in challenging times, reminding that this love is often more real than fears or external distractions."

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Exercise Bike;Cleanup Room,Talking To Central;Exercising;Cleaning;Talking To Anxi

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Sat Dec 28 6:15 PM

I'M FEELING = APPREHENSIVE & SUPPORTED

WHY = Dinner is always a threat & we're already late. OCD symptoms are really bad too.
But we're together. We can get through this okay.
God be with us & strengthen us with grace.

REFLECT = "Navigating dinner in such a challenging context can be overwhelming. How does feeling supported influence your ability to cope with the apprehension you're experiencing?"

REPLY = I always fail alone. When I'm actively talking with & aware of the System, I'm conscious & grounded, with their warnings & input to help me when I'm lost & scared.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Table,Eating

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Sat Dec 28 10:23 PM

I'M FEELING = FRIGHTENED & DEFEATED

WHY = Chocolate hell. Big mistake.
Literally no food left in the house after tomorrow either.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Kitchen,Disordered Behavior

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Sat Dec 28 11:24 PM

I'M FEELING = AFRAID & ASHAMED 

WHY = Body so sick from abuse.
Legit afraid we might have to dial 911 tonight.

Lord why can't we stop?
Is it malnutrition?
Is it trauma?
Is it mental burnout?
Is it emotional starvation?

Please, please help us or we're GOING TO DIE.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Kitchen,Eating;Disordered Behavior;Cleaning

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Sun Dec 29 1:23 PM

I'M FEELING = FOOLISH & DETERMINED

WHY = Missed Mass this morning because we were so bloody exhausted. Also super late for breakfast.
NEVERTHELESS going to do our best under the circumstances.
It's a foggy misty day outside so it both looks & smells BEAUTIFUL and we're gonna roll with it.
God be with us always!

REFLECT = "There's a strong sense of resilience in your words. How does immersing in the beauty of the day contribute to your feeling of determination?"

REPLY = It reminds me that there is a Goodness greater than any & all my momentary troubles & struggles-- because they ARE fleeting, in light of eternity, which is God, Who IS Beauty & Love. Recognizing His work around me grounds me in Truth & gives me that grace of courage to keep going.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Talking To Acquaintances

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Sun Dec 29 3:11 PM

I'M FEELING = DYSREGULATED & ACCOMPLISHED

WHY = Body doesn't want food but emotions do. Fighting the destructive + devouring impulse to binge.
Need to feel this out & TYPE it out.
Gonna vacuum first though so we don't panic over how much pain the body is unexpectedly in.

REFLECT = "Juggling feelings of dysregulation with a sense of accomplishment can be complex. How does taking some time to clean and organize your space influence your current emotional state?"

REPLY = Reducing clutter & bringing order to chaos (♡) externally helps jumpstart that effect internally. The busywork also helps regulate emotions by taking the focus off of their volume & redirecting it to good hard work.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Kitchen,Cleaning

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Sun Dec 29 6:04 PM

I'M FEELING = ENGROSSED & PRODUCTIVE

WHY = FINALLY GETTING WORK DONE!

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,On The Laptop,Archiving

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Sun Dec 29 8:52 PM

I'M FEELING = COMPETENT & INDECISIVE

WHY = Found AT LEAST $20 of returns, so we can buy the food we need!
Still unsure on hemp prices though. Is it cheaper online? We'll find out. It's all we can do.
We MIGHT have to go keto for a week. Heck, it might even fix the stupid binge compulsion. It's so strong. What are we hungry for?
Looking forward to more typing & exercise in any case.
The air outside still smells like mist. It's beautiful.
The night drive is going to be heavenly.

REFLECT = "It sounds like there are mixed feelings of both accomplishment and uncertainty today. What helps you feel confident when faced with indecision around meal planning or budgeting?"

REPLY = I KNOW that I CAN make the wisest decisions. The only obstacle is fighting the "fomo emotion mind." It's SO SCARED of "not having enough" Bro we will MAKE it be enough; have some faith in our resilience & tenacity! By the grace of God we WILL DEAL WITH IT.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Kitchen,Cleaning;Meal Planning;Budgeting

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Mon Dec 30 12:28 AM

I'M FEELING = EXHAUSTED & OKAY

WHY = So tired. Mom's schedule is insane. Only getting 4 hours of sleep again.
But tomorrow we're finally donating our books & shoes & clothes. We're hitting the food drives hopefully. We're getting groceries at last. And yes it will burn us out but we're still blessed with these opportunities. Gotta look on the bright side.
...such as PRECIOUS BLOOD AT MASS TOMORROW

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home,Cleaning;Going To Bed

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Mon Dec 30 12:35 AM

I'M FEELING = IN LOVE & INADEQUATE

WHY = Chaos's music playing on the drive home. I genuinely do love him so, so much.
But I'm also terribly aware of the esthiofoni and their fears & compulsions. Our past is so disgusting & humiliating & traumatic.
I don't want that to happen anymore. I'm scared to death of it. But tomorrow is already full of threats & danger. It might be impossible to get through it undamaged.
That makes me so angry it turns into weeping.
I want to LIVE. I want to LOVE. To hell with food. Why can't it just STOP for good?

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System;With Chaos 0,Home,Going To Bed

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2024 Mon Dec 30 5:32 AM

I'M FEELING = FRAZZLED & RESIGNED

WHY = 3 hours of sleep.
SO MUCH to do today.
Already exhausted. Scared too.
God get us through it SAFELY, please.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Cleanup Room,Just Woke Up;Getting Ready For The Day

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2024 Mon Dec 30 6:53 AM

I'M FEELING = ENRAPTURED

WHY = CHURCH!

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Church,Adoration,

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2024 Mon Dec 30 8:50 AM

I'M FEELING = IN LOVE & ECSTATIC

WHY = INFINITII AND I TOGETHER IN HEARTSPACE.
ZE IS FINALLY STARTING TO COME BACK.
THANK YOU GOD, THANK YOU GOD, SO MUCH

All this started with the ""missing"" altar wine today.
Turns out the Good Lord had other better plans for me as far as Blood is concerned.

My heart ACHES with love and also crystallized wounds.
I feel ALIVE & REAL.

CONTEXT TAGS = With Infinitii,Heartspace,Talking To Infinitii

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2024 Mon Dec 30 10:27 AM

I'M FEELING = PRODUCTIVE & GRATEFUL

WHY = GOD IS GOOD BRO

CONTEXT TAGS = With Genesis,Commuting;Shopping,Shopping;Talking To Genesis

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2024 Mon Dec 30 10:38 AM

I'M FEELING = RUSHED & CONFIDENT

WHY = Tight schedule but we're getting it done bro

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System;With Genesis,Commuting,Driving;Shopping

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2024 Mon Dec 30 5:25 PM

I'M FEELING = CONTEMPT & DETERMINED

WHY = Massive food drive binge... PLAN.
I can still stop this from getting insane.
We HAVE the power AND authority AND FREEDOM to TRASH IT ALL.
NO ONE IS OBLIGATED TO EAT THIS GARBAGE.
YOU ARE ALL ALLOWED TO SAY ""NO""!!!

I hate having to destroy food. I really do.
But this could've been SO MUCH WORSE.
Count your blessings & FIGHT VICE!!!

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Kitchen,Disordered Behavior;Cleaning

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2024 Mon Dec 30 9:44 PM

I'M FEELING = NAUSEATED & SCARED

WHY = So sick from weird foods.
I don't want to have to eat these things.
Exhausted, dizzy, nauseous. But it's over.
I hope to God I can sleep

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Kitchen,Disordered Behavior

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2024 Tue Dec 31 4:18 AM

I'M FEELING = BLESSED & HAPPY

WHY = We got through the day and we're ending it together.
I love us all so much.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System;With Chaos 0,Headspace;Couch,Talking To Central;Going To Bed;Journaling;Talking To Chaos 0

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2024 Tue Dec 31 10:48 AM

I'M FEELING = EXHAUSTED & IRRITATED

WHY = I want to sleep but phone call woke me up.
Schedule unpredictability stress.
Stupid Tumblr distraction.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Couch,Talking To Mom;Internet Browsing

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2024 Tue Dec 31 2:46 PM

I'M FEELING = RUSHED & NERVOUS

WHY = Gotta eat breakfast quickly so we can go to church and then go up moms house for the evening.
Scared already. Overwhelmed. But we have to trust in God and do our best.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Table,Eating;Talking To Mom;Getting Ready For Church

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2024 Tue Dec 31 8:05 PM

I'M FEELING = ACCOMPLISHED & SCARED

WHY = Put a whole puzzle together in record time!
But now we gotta eat SHRIMP

CONTEXT TAGS = Family,Mom's House,Eating;Puzzles