"how we feel" february 19-28 2025
Feb. 28th, 2025 08:05 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
prismaticbleed2025 Wed Feb 19 12:59 AM
I'M FEELING = PAINFUL & ALARMED
WHY = I almost died.
Blood sugar dropped into the 40s.
Dear God I need help.
CONTEXT TAGS = With The System;Praying To Jesus;Praying To Mary,Home;Kitchen;Cleanup Room,Going To Bed
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2025 Wed Feb 19 2:13 PM
I'M FEELING = HUMILIATED & JUDGED
WHY = The weight of the eating disorder hitting hard today. So much shame, remorse, guilt, humiliation, regret.
But there's hope, too, in Christ.
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Kitchen,Getting Ready To Eat
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2025 Wed Feb 19 3:14 PM
I'M FEELING = OKAY & DISTRACTED
WHY = Just started Thessalonians!
Hard to concentrate though-- we keep defaulting to ""performance mode."" But it's getting easier to let go of.
Also haunted by knowing we have to go with mom this evening. God give us strength.
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;With The System,Home;Table,Eating;Reading Scripture
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2025 Wed Feb 19 5:01 PM
I'M FEELING = EMPOWERED & ANXIOUS
WHY = Having some CARBS as practical proof that I DON'T WANT TO DIE!
CONTEXT TAGS = With The System;Praying To Jesus,Kitchen,Eating;Cleaning
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2025 Wed Feb 19 6:00 PM
I'M FEELING = COMFORTABLE & TIRED
WHY = At the book club, just chilling.
I love controlled interim spaces. I feel very content. I don't have to do anything but exist.
CONTEXT TAGS = Family;In Public,Library,Book Club
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2025 Wed Feb 19 9:24 PM
I'M FEELING = LOST & WISHFUL
WHY = Talking about ""what's my purpose in life"" with mom.
Wanting so badly to be creative again, but I feel so lost & stuck.
Still, the glittering fire remains in my heart.
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;Family,Home;Commuting,Talking To Mom;Going To Bed;Tumblr
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2025 Wed Feb 19 11:38 PM
I'M FEELING = SAFE & WEARY
WHY = I forgot what a sanctuary the bed is.
Ironically it makes me realize the depth of my sadness.
Right now I need to sleep but this is also a place I need to rest. It's so hard to just rest.
CONTEXT TAGS = With Chaos 0;With Laurie,Bed,Resting;Sleeping
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2025 Thu Feb 20 7:40 AM
I'M FEELING = CONNECTED & WHOLE
WHY = Saint Mungo's for the first time since SEPTEMBER.
I love and miss them so much.
I feel so deeply happy right now.
CONTEXT TAGS = With Chaos 0,Home;Bed;Phone;Scotland (Online),Online Mass
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2025 Thu Feb 20 10:00 AM
I'M FEELING = CONFIDENT & RELAXED
WHY = Another interim space. I feel very safe here.
Reading ""Joy Revealed.""
Spending all morning with the System.
CONTEXT TAGS = With The System;In Public,Doctor's Office,Doctor's Appointment
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2025 Thu Feb 20 12:39 PM
I'M FEELING = JOYFUL & PRESENT
WHY = IT'S SNOWING and we got to WALK HOME IN IT from Adoration!
Starting the next book club read while biking.
Feeling unusually content, quietly happy.
I want to be more welcoming of these emotions, not poking holes in them, instinctively looking for reasons to panic instead.
I want to cherish small joys more.
CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home;Exercise Bike,Exercising;Reading Secular Books
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2025 Thu Feb 20 2:11 PM
I'M FEELING = INTERESTED & FRUSTRATED
WHY = I want to exercise & keep reading but we have to stop and eat for 230.
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Exercise Bike,Exercising;Reading Secular Books;Getting Ready To Eat
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2025 Thu Feb 20 4:04 PM
I'M FEELING = EUPHORIC & CONTEMPLATIVE
WHY = SNOW!!!!
Thinking of Spherae ideas here & there.
Reading Thessalonians.
GOOGLE MAPS WORLD TOUR too!
CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home;Table,Eating;Reading Scripture;Spherestorming
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2025 Thu Feb 20 7:46 PM
I'M FEELING = SCARED & DEFEATED
WHY = Mom crisis stressed me out to the point of destructive binging.
Concerned as to WHY THAT TRIGGERED THIS.
Still scared. Terrified of bloodsugar death drops.. So tired of my own bullshit.
Gotta pray. We can still stop this early.
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Kitchen,Talking To Mom;Disordered Behavior
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2025 Fri Feb 21 1:35 AM
I'M FEELING = PATHETIC & AFRAID
WHY = Blood sugar was stuck at 62. Finally starting to go up now. Frightened, exhausted, sick. Twitchy.
My head hurts.
It wasn't even that bad today thank GOD.
But no bingepurge is ever good.
I'm so very sad. I don't like living like this at all.
CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home;Couch;Kitchen,Going To Bed;Recovering
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2025 Fri Feb 21 11:18 AM
I'M FEELING = BURNED OUT & EXASPERATED
WHY = I am so tired and want to rest but I can't.
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Couch,Just Woke Up
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2025 Fri Feb 21 1:57 PM
I'M FEELING = FRAZZLED & SUFFOCATED
WHY = Reviewing Tilly's old Youversion posts & prayers. Disturbed by her mindset.
I feel stuck, suffocated.
I NEVER want to go back to her life.
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Exercise Bike,Spiritual Reading;Exercising
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2025 Fri Feb 21 5:08 PM
I'M FEELING = DISCOMBOBULATED & INTERESTED
WHY = Good Scripture work, but mental effort is burning me out and isolating me from the System. I'm unhappy and stressed and dissociated.
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Table,Eating;Reading Scripture;Tumblr;Studying Etymology
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2025 Sat Feb 22 1:30 AM
I'M FEELING = SCARED & DESOLATE
WHY = "Gentle binge" my ass. We feel EVEN SICKER after an only-vegetable one. Body is WRECKED.
It feels like we were run over by a semitruck.
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Going To Bed;Sick
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2025 Sat Feb 22 12:02 PM
I'M FEELING = GUILTY & RESIGNED
WHY = Trying to order supplements.
Needed to ask for funds.
Haunted by 1 Thessalonians 4:11-12.
Feeling like a liar & thief even now, like everything I do and say is somehow manipulative.
Addiction still clawing at the back of my mind.
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Phone,Shopping;Business Work
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2025 Sat Feb 22 3:18 PM
I'M FEELING = CANCELLED & WORTHLESS
WHY = This book punched me between the eyes.
I am keenly, horribly aware of my mental illness and the bad things I have done-- and keep bloody doing-- as a result of it.
Having to go to confession in 15 minutes only emphasizes this.
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Reading Secular Books
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2025 Sat Feb 22 6:04 PM
I'M FEELING = AGITATED & GRIEF
WHY = OCD so bad.
Can't stop grieving over TBAS stealing Jewel's children.
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Cleanup Room,OCD Rituals;Getting Ready To Eat;Trauma Ruminating
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2025 Sun Feb 23 2:20 AM
I'M FEELING = EXHAUSTED & GOOD
WHY = Spent like 4 HOURS cleaning & reading the religious bookshelves.
Good progress was made, in both respects.
CONTEXT TAGS = With Chaos 0;With Laurie,Home;Couch,Spiritual Reading;Going To Bed
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2025 Sun Feb 23 10:57 AM
I'M FEELING = RELIEVED & EAGER
WHY = Nightmares are over!
Church in a half hour!
WE'RE GOING
CONTEXT TAGS = With Chaos 0;With Laurie,Home;Couch,Just Woke Up;Getting Ready For Church
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2025 Sun Feb 23 1:07 PM
I'M FEELING = RUSHED & DISCOMBOBULATED
WHY = One hour until we eat. Trying to do too much at once with cleaning.
IT'S SUNDAY BRO. TAKE A BREAK.
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Kitchen,Spiritual Reading;Cooking;Cleaning;Getting Ready For The Day;Getting Ready To Eat
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2025 Sun Feb 23 2:27 PM
I'M FEELING = EXHILARATED & THANKFUL
WHY = Perfect 70m on the bike, to the second, lining up with music ending ("Sanctus")!
Feels RIGHT & COMPLETE. Thank You God!
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Exercise Bike,Listening To Music;Exercising;Getting Ready To Eat
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2025 Mon Feb 24 1:57 AM
I'M FEELING = WEARY & INADEQUATE
WHY = Reading VOTM for hours.
Both profoundly moved and disturbingly convicted.
Why is my soul so weak & cold & cowardly?
It's all my years of blatant sin.
God, can You please change my heart?
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Kitchen;Main Room,Spiritual Reading;Cleaning;Going To Bed
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2025 Mon Feb 24 1:14 PM
I'M FEELING = SPENT & FRAZZLED
WHY = Brain is a total mess. Too much business work & reading & organizing.
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Exercise Bike,Listening To Music;Exercising;Cleaning;Meal Planning
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2025 Mon Feb 24 1:56 PM
I'M FEELING = ENRAGED & DESPAIR
WHY = Mom telling me to "write and draw."
My immediate reaction =
F*CK OFF
I CANT DO IT
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;Family,Home;Phone,Talking To Mom
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2025 Tue Feb 25 12:59 AM
I'M FEELING = FOCUSED & MOTIVATED
WHY = REMODELING BAYBEE!!
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Main Room,Cleaning
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2025 Tue Feb 25 12:27 PM
I'M FEELING = NERVOUS & CONFLICTED
WHY = Last bingepurge shop. God willing.
Still hate it. Still scared.
CONTEXT TAGS = In Public,Commuting,Shopping
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2025 Tue Feb 25 2:32 PM
I'M FEELING = GUILTY & SCARED
WHY = Took bowls from moms house for this asinine bp.
I feel terrible about it.
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Commuting,Driving;Meal Planning
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2025 Tue Feb 25 5:34 PM
I'M FEELING = UPSET & ASHAMED
WHY = So much food. I don't want to do this.
God forgive me please. Give me the grace to REALLY HATE THIS and SEE just how bad it is so I can STOP DOING IT FOREVER.
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Kitchen,Disordered Behavior;Cooking;Cleaning
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2025 Wed Feb 26 12:30 AM
I'M FEELING = SPENT & REMORSEFUL
WHY = It's over.
So ashamed. Full of regret. Angry at sin.
At least our conscience works.
CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home;Kitchen,Cleaning;Going To Bed;Recovering
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2025 Wed Feb 26 1:25 PM
I'M FEELING = SPENT & DISILLUSIONED
WHY = Couldn't sleep. Plumbers keep visiting.
Going to quit Tumblr.
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Just Woke Up;Cleaning;Getting Ready For The Day;Tumblr
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2025 Wed Feb 26 3:51 PM
I'M FEELING = DISCOMBOBULATED & IRRITABLE
WHY = Brain is a fuzzy whirlwind rush.
Can't seem to get it together.
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,OCD Rituals;Getting Ready To Eat
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2025 Wed Feb 26 4:59 PM
I'M FEELING = ABSORBED & PRESSURED
WHY = Powerful hope & powerful warnings.
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Table,Eating;Reading Scripture
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2025 Thu Feb 27 1:25 AM
I'M FEELING = CONNECTED & SAFE
WHY = Writing about System love.
Reading Archive entries about it.
Looking up Scripture verses about it.
Listening to 101 Strings music that makes me feel like a child again.
I'm snuggled into this soft white blanket with Chaos 0 in my arms & cold air outside & violins playing in my head, and I actually feel SAFE.
Even if only for a minute, it's the truth.
Don't be afraid of this or doubt it or reject it.
Cherish this. It's from God.
CONTEXT TAGS = With The System;With Chaos 0;With Laurie,Home;On The Laptop;Couch,Listening To Music;Reading The Archives;Going To Bed;Archiving
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2025 Thu Feb 27 10:48 AM
I'M FEELING = APPREHENSIVE & DISCOMBOBULATED
WHY = I just don't feel right.
Bad sleep again.
Stupid food drives stressing me out.
Contemplating asking mom for money so we can do this final bp NOW and be FREE FOR MARCH
CONTEXT TAGS = In Public,Commuting,Driving;Going To Mom's House;Errands
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2025 Thu Feb 27 6:31 PM
I'M FEELING = AGITATED & SCARED
WHY = Last binge before Lent.
Hopefully the last one FOREVER.
Reminding myself that I CAN STILL TOSS MOST OF IT IN THE BIN
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Kitchen,Disordered Behavior;Cooking;Cleaning
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2025 Fri Feb 28 12:43 PM
I'M FEELING = ANGUISHED & FROZEN
WHY = MISOPHONIA HELL TRIGGER MASS
SO MANY SCREAMING TERRIFIED CHILDREN
ALSO "FLURRY" ATTACKER PROTECTOR
CONTEXT TAGS = Social Subsystem;Damaged Ones,Couch,Watching The Mass;Misophonia;Trauma Triggers
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2025 Fri Feb 28 4:37 PM
I'M FEELING = ACCOMPLISHED & FRUSTRATED
WHY = Plumbers made us wait for 4 HOURS but never came back. Also TRAUMA TRIGGER.
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Archiving;Getting Ready To Eat
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2025 Fri Feb 28 9:19 PM
I'M FEELING = SCARED & NERVOUS
WHY = Late BK, already feel sick, gave in to bp trigger.
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Walking Through Town,Disordered Behavior;Shopping
