"how we feel" january 1-8 2025

[prismaticbleed]

 

2025 Wed Jan 1 3:06 AM

I'M FEELING = ASHAMED & UPSET

WHY = Another bulimic meltdown because of being up the house.
I'm so angry. I TOLD mom I did not want to go but she pushed until I did anyway. Why.
Very upset. Great way to start the new year you idiot.
At least it's over. Leave ALL that hell in the past.
I wish I could just cut it all off & start over.
I want this to be a year of FREEDOM & PURPOSE.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Kitchen,Disordered Behavior;Cleaning;Going To Bed

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2025 Wed Jan 1 2:48 PM

I'M FEELING = EXCITED & SUPPORTED

WHY = Xanga session scheduled for tonight! ♡
We slept in SO late (we were exhausted) so we're only eating ONCE we think. I don't think I can deal with the stress of two meals.
In any case food is still trauma triggering. But I know the System will help us deal.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Kitchen;Cleanup Room,Cooking;Cleaning;Getting Ready For The Day

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2025 Wed Jan 1 5:10 PM

I'M FEELING = WORRIED & INSPIRED

WHY = Too much curry powder as usual.
BUT Matthew 6 is GORGEOUS as well as VERY convicting.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Table,Eating;Reading Scripture

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2025 Wed Jan 1 9:43 PM

I'M FEELING = MOVED & LOVESICK

WHY = Beautiful music on Infinitii's playlist.
Reading 2008 and seeing our history. Blissfully bittersweet.
Feeling so loved & in love.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,On The Laptop,Listening To Music;Reading The Archives

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2025 Thu Jan 2 1:30 PM

I'M FEELING = EMPOWERED & EAGER

WHY = Looking forward to MORE ARCHIVE REVIEWS!

Also Mimic & Laurie challenged me to do some push-ups & crunches this morning to FINALLY get back into that routine.
Gonna bike later too!

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home;Table,Eating;Exercising

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2025 Thu Jan 2 4:40 PM

I'M FEELING = ENRAGED & TERRIFIED

WHY = STUPIDASS COMPULSIVE BINGE PLANNING
WHAT THE HELL, YOU SEE WE HAVE MONEY SO YOU IMMEDIATELY SET IT ON FIRE???!?!?
STOP SENDING US TO HELL WITH YOU, YOU GLUTTONOUS HEARTLESS MURDERING BITCH!!!

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;In Public,Kitchen;Walking Through Town,Disordered Behavior;Shopping

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2025 Fri Jan 3 5:49 AM

I'M FEELING = GRIEF & LOVESICK

WHY = Reading old entries for about 4 hours.
There's so much pain but so much love.

CONTEXT TAGS = With Laurie;With Julie,On The Laptop,Reading The Archives

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2025 Fri Jan 3 10:44 AM

I'M FEELING = BURNED OUT & LOVING

WHY = SO TIRED. getting another 3 hours in God bless
Feeling how blessed I already am to have Chaos 0 & Laurie. I feel very loved & in love.

CONTEXT TAGS = With Chaos 0;With Laurie,Couch,Going To Bed;Talking To Chaos 0;Looking At System Images;Talking To Laurie

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2025 Fri Jan 3 3:29 PM

I'M FEELING = FRUSTRATED & DEPRESSED

WHY = Tumblr time-wasting.
Why does our brain keep doing this?
We're not even dressed for the day.
It just gets stuck in not-existing.
This is absolutely a suicidal reroute...

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home

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2025 Fri Jan 3 4:51 PM

I'M FEELING = INSPIRED & PRESENT

WHY = Breakfast Bible study!
Reading Galatians, & Mimic relating to Saint Paul

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Table,Talking To Central;Reading Scripture

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2025 Fri Jan 3 8:29 PM

I'M FEELING = EMPTY & CONTEMPT

WHY = Damned YouTube time-wasting.
Brain feels like a blender

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Watching Animation

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2025 Fri Jan 3 9:36 PM

I'M FEELING = DEPRESSED & DISGUSTED

WHY = Fandoms are stupid & empty.
Clothes still not dry. For some reason having to pay & wait for another dryer round was so depressing? The "straw that broke the camel's back"

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Laundry;Internet Browsing

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2025 Sat Jan 4 4:35 AM

I'M FEELING = IN LOVE & LOVESICK

WHY = Reading all the 2011 entries about Chaos 0 & Xenophon while listening to Albert Guinovart.
SO many emotions. I miss this beautiful ache.

We haven't lost this. We haven't lost this.
We can have it again, right now, even richer & deeper than back then. I know this.
Don't be afraid. The best is yet to come. I'm sure of it.

REFLECT = "Experiencing such strong emotions from memories can be quite powerful. What is it about revisiting these memories that stirs up such a profound sense of love and longing for you?"

REPLY = Well dude it was ALL about learning that I was a father, and overcoming trauma through radical love, and people letting their walls down & opening their hearts... 2011 was such a gorgeous year and that is OUR HISTORY. And it gets BETTER. And it CAN & WILL be just as gorgeous NOW.
That's the love, that's the longing. All this is our LIFE and I NEED it & miss it so much I could sob-- but the joy is just as cathartic. I haven't lost it. Any of it. Against all odds, despite all the death, we haven't lost an iota of love. That's what tonight has proven to me. Thank God. 

INSIGHT = "Embracing the beauty of past experiences and recognizing the enduring power of love can provide deep, cathartic joy, reminding that the richness of those moments can be felt again in the present."

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,On The Laptop,Listening To Music;Reading The Archives

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2025 Sat Jan 4 8:16 AM

I'M FEELING = TIRED & ANXIOUS

WHY = Need sleep.
Unsure on church schedule.
Also need food, because we run out of carrots & broccoli soon.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Just Woke Up;Going To Bed;Getting Ready For Church;Getting Ready For The Day

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2025 Sat Jan 4 2:15 PM

I'M FEELING = IRATE & AGITATED

WHY = SUPER RUSHED & EVERYONE IS ON THE ROAD.
Too much all at once.
Feel like I'm about to spit magma.
Horrible ugly feeling.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;Family,Commuting;Kitchen;Table,Driving;Cooking;Cleaning;Shopping

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2025 Sat Jan 4 2:30 PM

I'M FEELING = GUILTY & REVERENT

WHY = Powerful convictions in Scripture today. God knows I need them.
But they also bring so much hope for redemption, and reassurance of the love of God.
Lord Jesus give me strength & peace in my soul. I'm such a mess. But You WON'T give up on me.
I have to cling to that & fight ever harder.
But I need grace or I can't do anything.
Holy Spirit, I KNOW You are with me. Please open my heart to You.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Table,Reading Scripture

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2025 Sat Jan 4 9:03 PM

I'M FEELING = HORRIFIED & FURIOUS

WHY = G*DDAMNED BINGE!!!!!!

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Eating;Disordered Behavior;Cooking;Cleaning

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2025 Sun Jan 5 1:55 AM

I'M FEELING = RELIEVED & SPENT

WHY = Binge hell finally over.
Terrified but it's over.
We're very poor now but it's our fault entirely
Possibly even subconsciously intentional
Nevertheless it's over thank GOD

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Kitchen;Cleanup Room,Cleaning;Going To Bed

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2025 Sun Jan 5 2:16 PM

I'M FEELING = CONTENT & INCLUDED

WHY = Just happy that we're alive & together.
Discussing daily concerns as a group.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Headspace;Kitchen,Talking To Central;Cooking;Cleaning;Meal Planning;System Discussion

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2025 Sun Jan 5 8:36 PM

I'M FEELING = NAUSEATED & SCARED

WHY = So so sick & weak & dizzy

CONTEXT TAGS = Family,Mom's House,Cleaning

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2025 Mon Jan 6 3:07 AM

I'M FEELING = SAD & TIRED

WHY = Another exhausting day.
It's so hard to get up & have to face another one.
But for now I'm just existing in the interim. There's at least peace here.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System;With Chaos 0,Couch,Going To Bed

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2025 Mon Jan 6 1:53 PM

I'M FEELING = INDECISIVE & BURNED OUT

WHY = I don't want to eat. At all.
Trying to minimize daily intake without causing medical symptoms.
I'm so tired.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Kitchen,Cooking;Cleaning;Meal Planning;Getting Ready For The Day

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2025 Mon Jan 6 4:19 PM

I'M FEELING = NERVOUS & HOPEFUL

WHY = Already sick from eating. Scared but I have to do it.
Scripture is both terribly convicting & blissfully reassuring.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Table,Eating;Reading Scripture

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2025 Mon Jan 6 6:35 PM

I'M FEELING = ACCOMPLISHED & RELIEVED

WHY = GOT THROUGH THE DAY!!
Now time to do SYSTEM WORK for like SIX HOURS ♡

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,On The Laptop,Exercising;Archiving

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2025 Tue Jan 7 3:44 AM

I'M FEELING = IN LOVE & TOUCHED

WHY = Spent 8 HOURS doing Archive work and I am SO IN LOVE.
I am also SO BLESSED to have everyone, and to be part of this System.
I actually feel alive & real tonight. This is beautiful.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System;With Chaos 0;With Laurie,Headspace;Couch,Going To Bed;Archiving;Talking To Chaos 0;Talking To Laurie

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2025 Tue Jan 7 12:06 PM

I'M FEELING = UPSET & GRIEF

WHY = Horrible bulimic nightmare.
Grandma was there too.

BUT SO WAS LAURIE and she was KILLING MONSTERS and GIVING ME HOPE

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Couch,Just Woke Up

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2025 Tue Jan 7 1:32 PM

I'M FEELING = LOVING & ALIVE

WHY = 2024 PLAYLIST IN A BOTTLE ♡

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Exercise Bike,Talking To Central;Listening To Music;Exercising

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2025 Tue Jan 7 1:58 PM

I'M FEELING = ADORING & CONNECTED

WHY = Listening to our music together and SINGING ♡

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Headspace;Exercise Bike;Heartspace,Talking To Central;Listening To Music;Exercising

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2025 Tue Jan 7 4:08 PM

I'M FEELING = PRESSURED & GRATEFUL

WHY = Scripture ALWAYS pointing out areas of spiritual concern. THANK YOU GOD for leading us in the right direction every day!

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Table,Eating;Reading Scripture

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2025 Tue Jan 7 10:23 PM

I'M FEELING = DISGUSTED & ANGRY

WHY = Another hellish binge. WHY. WE WERE DOING SO WELL.
The WORST part is that the WHOLE TIME, we KNEW we DIDN'T WANT TO DO THIS. We were TERRIFIED. And yet it was still FORCED.

There is a huge root problem here.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Kitchen;Table;Cleanup Room,Disordered Behavior

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2025 Wed Jan 8 6:03 AM

I'M FEELING = STUCK & WEARY

WHY = 2013 & TBHU reviews.
There is so much pain & disorder. It hurts.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,On The Laptop,Reading The Archives;Archiving

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2025 Wed Jan 8 11:31 AM

I'M FEELING = IRRITATED & EXHAUSTED

WHY = So bloody tired.
No wonder the binges keep happening-- our brain WANTS to shut off from exhaustion.
We NEED to find a better way.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Couch,Just Woke Up;Talking To Mom;Playing Pokemon;Meal Planning

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2025 Wed Jan 8 2:25 PM

I'M FEELING = NAUSEATED & APPREHENSIVE

WHY = Scared about tomorrow's schedule.
Mom overwhelm.
Still have to eat today and don't want to.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Talking To Mom;Exercising;Meal Planning

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2025 Wed Jan 8 2:46 PM

I'M FEELING = CONFLICTED & DREAD

WHY = Lyrics hitting all the old wounds.
Still haunted by desperate esthiofoni. God i wish I knew where THEY were wounded.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Exercise Bike,Listening To Music;Exercising

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2025 Wed Jan 8 10:40 PM

I'M FEELING = IN LOVE & MOVED

WHY = Quanta Qualia.
Thinking of Infinitii and Chaos 0.
Love means everything right now.
Actually felt MOVED TO PRAY because of it. NO FEAR OR FORCING.
BOY THIS IS A GAME-CHANGER.

Please, please try hard to be YOU tomorrow.
Be patient but firm with the esthio girls.
BE A FATHER FIGURE!!!

REFLECT = "Feeling moved by love can be a profound experience. What about this moment or connection feels like a game-changer for you?"

REPLY = The fact that it literally opened my heart to WORSHIP, WITHOUT PUSHING THE LOVE ASIDE. Any thriskefoni that tries to brutally separate the two is a liar.

INSIGHT = "Opening the heart to worship without pushing love aside highlights the powerful connection between love and spiritual expression, reinforcing that both can coexist harmoniously. This understanding can foster deeper, more authentic connections in the future."

CONTEXT TAGS = Praying To Jesus;With Chaos 0,On The Laptop;Couch,Listening To Music;Going To Bed;Archiving;Praying