"how we feel" january 9-16 2025
Jan. 16th, 2025 09:21 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
prismaticbleed2025 Thu Jan 9 8:02 AM
I'M FEELING = GRATEFUL & CONFUSED
WHY = Jesus giving consolation by His Presence at Mass.
Still totally lost as to how to deal with today.
Don't want to binge. But the esthio kids are so scared NOT to. Isn't that weird?
We need to talk.
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;Praying To Jesus,Church,Praying
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2025 Thu Jan 9 2:58 PM
I'M FEELING = FURIOUS & GRIEF
WHY = FCKING BINGE BEHAVIOR
LITERALLY THINKING ""I HAVE TO BUY THIS BECAUSE IT WILL TRIGGER TRAUMA MEMORIES""
WHAT THE FCK IS WRONG WITH YOU??????
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Commuting,Driving;Going To Mom's House
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2025 Thu Jan 9 6:33 PM
I'M FEELING = FOOLISH & REPULSED
WHY = Worst day since before the hospital.
Well after this WE'RE DONE. FOREVER.
And mark my words, I WILL TRASH MOST OF THIS SHIT.
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Kitchen;Table,Disordered Behavior;Cooking
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2025 Fri Jan 10 2:04 AM
I'M FEELING = DESOLATE & DISGRACED
WHY = Hell day.
At least we survived. Barely.
Thanks be to God.
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Kitchen,Cleaning;Going To Bed
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2025 Fri Jan 10 1:28 PM
I'M FEELING = HOPELESS & BROODING
WHY = Bulimia literally destroyed all our food stamp funds. No idea how we're going to afford ACTUAL food for the rest of the month.
Put it in God's Hands. I see no other hope.
Everything is bleak. This requires RADICAL trust.
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Kitchen;Cleanup Room,Just Woke Up;Meal Planning;Getting Ready For The Day
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2025 Fri Jan 10 5:45 PM
I'M FEELING = ENCOURAGED & SUPPORTED
WHY = Powerfully consoling & encouraging Scriptures today, even with convictions. Thank You God.
CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Table,Eating;Talking To Central;Reading Scripture
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2025 Sat Jan 11 4:11 AM
I'M FEELING = HURTING & LOVESICK
WHY = I must emphasize = this is NOT a negative feeling.
I'm just... so suddenly aware of how the very heart of our System is LOVE, and this has NEVER changed, even when our Cores were assumed dead and our body was literally dying and we forgot we were a System at all.
Still, somehow, despite all odds, we survived.
Still, no matter what, we ARE love.
And I hurt with love right now.
I miss us. I miss having my whole life be about us.
If ANYTHING brought me closer to God, THAT WAS IT.
Lord, give that back to us, please.
CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,On The Laptop,Listening To Music;Reading The Archives;Going To Bed;Archiving
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2025 Sat Jan 11 10:40 AM
I'M FEELING = FRAZZLED & TIRED
WHY = Starting to panic over a 50k daily difference again.
Church today so schedule is weird & rushed.
Don't want to eat.
Only 4 hours of sleep.
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Couch,Just Woke Up;Going To Bed;Meal Planning
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2025 Sat Jan 11 3:55 PM
I'M FEELING = GRIEF & SCARED
WHY = Can't even concentrate during Mass because of disordered thoughts. God help me.
I thought this was over YEARS ago.
CONTEXT TAGS = In Public,Church,Praying
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2025 Sat Jan 11 7:56 PM
I'M FEELING = ASHAMED & SCARED
WHY = Mom very mad at us.
She knows we're relapsing and acting like a jerk.
We deserve it.
So tired of food. Scared. We KNOW how sick we get.
God please. Let this be the end.
Saint John the Baptist, pray for us...
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Kitchen,Eating;Disordered Behavior;Cooking;Cleaning
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2025 Sun Jan 12 1:09 PM
I'M FEELING = DAZED & BURNED OUT
WHY = Too much going on in life. Utterly overwhelmed.
We need a break. We won't let ourselves have one.
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Kitchen;Cleanup Room,Just Woke Up;Cooking;Cleaning;Meal Planning;Getting Ready For The Day
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2025 Sun Jan 12 11:57 PM
I'M FEELING = BURNED OUT & PRESSURED
WHY = So tired. Feeling sick.
Mom giving us lots of responsibilities.
Funeral tomorrow. Gotta sing well for Harry.
We have enough money to buy food tomorrow thank God.
I just want to hold Chaos 0 in my arms and sleep for a week.
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Kitchen,Going To Bed;Budgeting
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2025 Mon Jan 13 11:11 AM
I'M FEELING = GRIEF & EXCLUDED
WHY = Harry's funeral.
Invited to dinner hall.
Terrified. Still.
So sick of this fear.
What will my funeral be?
I'm worth nothing.
CONTEXT TAGS = Family;Parish Community,Church,At Church;Talking To Dad
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2025 Mon Jan 13 7:02 PM
I'M FEELING = ANGUISHED & DEAD INSIDE
WHY = Harry died.
I'm killing myself with this disorder.
God i beg You HEAL MY MIND PLEASE
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Commuting;Kitchen,Driving;Disordered Behavior
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2025 Tue Jan 14 6:18 PM
I'M FEELING = CONTEMPLATIVE & BURNED OUT
WHY = Good Scripture today. Both beautifully hopeful and solemnly corrective. I really love this.
So tired though. Life is beating me up so badly.
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Table,Eating;Reading Scripture
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2025 Tue Jan 14 7:27 PM
I'M FEELING = GROGGY & FRUSTRATED
WHY = Post-eating confusion and headache.
Man I just CAN'T WIN.
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Cleaning
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2025 Wed Jan 15 2:38 PM
I'M FEELING = FATIGUED & DREAD
WHY = So tired. TBHU archiving is mental and physically exhausting.
Book club with mom tonight. Scared. Don't want to think about that awful fiction anymore.
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Exercise Bike,Exercising
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2025 Thu Jan 16 2:06 PM
I'M FEELING = BURNED OUT & RELIEVED
WHY = Danger foods DESTROYED, thank you Destroia.
Slept in late because we were woken up by hall noise several times.
Still weirdly content right now. I think it's because I know this is a SYSTEM DAY. It's just us.♡
CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home;Kitchen;Cleanup Room,Just Woke Up;Cooking;Cleaning;Getting Ready For The Day
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2025 Thu Jan 16 4:54 PM
I'M FEELING = TIRED & REVERENT
WHY = Continuing to read 2 Timothy. Feeling very encouraged yet warned as a soldier of God.
Lots of deeply grateful hope. "Solemn joy."
Still exhausted but it's nice and cold and snowy outside so it's good.
CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Table,Eating;Reading Scripture
