"how we feel" march 17-24 2025
Mar. 24th, 2025 08:19 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
prismaticbleed2025 Mon Mar 17 1:53 PM
I'M FEELING = BURNED OUT & NUMB
WHY = I'm so tired of food.
But I CANNOT let the hospital take me away from Easter.
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Kitchen,Day Scheduling
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2025 Mon Mar 17 5:01 PM
I'M FEELING = NERVOUS & ENCOURAGED
WHY = Scared about getting sick from food AGAIN.
Trusting in God as radically as I can. Holy Spirit help me!
Scripture is beautiful and worth pondering. I need to indeed live in hope of life eternal. Carry this Cross to that door.
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;Praying To Jesus,Home;Table,Eating;Reading Scripture
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2025 Mon Mar 17 6:41 PM
I'M FEELING = NERVOUS & CHALLENGED
WHY = BRAVELY EATING CHICKEN!!!
Also getting a full 1000K as a result!
Now just PRAY FOR THE STRENGTH OF GRACE TO KEEP IT DOWN!
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;Praying To Jesus,Home;Kitchen;Table,Eating;Cooking;Reading Scripture
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2025 Mon Mar 17 11:33 PM
I'M FEELING = DEAD INSIDE & DESPAIR
WHY = I hate this eating disorder.
I feel morally bankrupt.
Why won't God fix me?
I want to sleep all day.
I want to watch Mass on my phone and weep.
I don't want to leave the house.
I'm still not sick enough.
Isn't that stupid?
Isn't that terrifying?
REFLECT = "It sounds like there's a heavy weight of emotions and thoughts pressing down right now. How do you usually find support or moments of comfort when these feelings seem overwhelming?"
REPLY = I just... sleep it off, usually. being conscious doesn't help when my own body is the enemy.
...but, going to sleep requires reconnecting with headspace, however briefly. and chaos 0 is always here waiting for me.
...that's why I'm so sick, isn't it. I haven't BEEN with us. the days have been silent & solitary and it's destroying my heart.
God how have I been so blind?
but there's hope now. there's us. oh please let it stay that way.
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Couch,Going To Bed
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2025 Tue Mar 18 7:22 AM
I'M FEELING = HOPEFUL & MOVED
WHY = Jesus wanted me.
So here I am.
There is true hope in this fact.
REFLECT = "Being a part of a community and feeling a sense of belonging can be profoundly uplifting. It's genuinely powerful to find hope and purpose through faith and connection.
Here are two affirmations:
"I embrace the hope and guidance that my faith brings into my life."
"I am open to the goodness and strength that spirituality offers me.""
REPLY = Oh those are POWERFUL, thank you!
...I've noticed that I am at my absolute worst when I'm NOT part of a community where I belong-- notably, when I'm out of touch with the System, who anchor me into my faith always. There, together, connected at heart to each other and to God, is my purpose.
CONTEXT TAGS = Parish Community,Church,At Church
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2025 Tue Mar 18 8:06 AM
I'M FEELING = ENCOURAGED & LOVED
WHY = Daily devotions giving me unexpectedly profound hope.
Thank You God.
CONTEXT TAGS = Praying To Jesus,Adoration Chapel,Reading Scripture;Praying;Adoration
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2025 Tue Mar 18 1:43 PM
I'M FEELING = CONTEMPT & MISERABLE
WHY = Need to sell things. I hate money though.
Need to eat, allegedly. I hate food though.
Medical appointment scheduling. I hate being so busy and rushed.
I want to just... punch a wall until my fists bleed.
The trauma keeps blindsiding me and making me want to throw up and die.
God is this a cross? Or is this hell?
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Couch;Phone,Just Woke Up;Day Scheduling
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2025 Tue Mar 18 3:47 PM
I'M FEELING = FURIOUS & HATE
WHY = I DON'T WANT TO EAT
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Getting Ready To Eat
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2025 Tue Mar 18 5:00 PM
I'M FEELING = EXASPERATED & DISCONTENTED
WHY = I don't want to eat.
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Exercise Bike,Listening To Music;Exercising;Getting Ready To Eat
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2025 Tue Mar 18 9:35 PM
I'M FEELING = CHALLENGED & FATIGUED
WHY = SAFE DAY. FINALLY.
We still got sick but we're carrying this cross.
Tomorrow is going to be hectic. Praying that we can handle it wisely.
Waiting to switch the car.
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;Praying To Jesus;Praying To Mary,Home;Main Room,Praying;Meal Planning;Going To Mom's House;Day Scheduling;Just Finished Eating
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2025 Tue Mar 18 11:51 PM
I'M FEELING = LOVING & MOVED
WHY = "The Emergency" playing on Spotify.
Remembering what this REAL LOVE feels like.
How long have I been out of touch with my heart?
Nevertheless, tonight brings hope. It's not lost.
We're still here, together.
Live for this. Live in this. Don't ever give up.
CONTEXT TAGS = With Chaos 0;With Laurie,Commuting,Driving;Listening To Music;Going To Bed;Talking To Chaos 0;Talking To Laurie
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2025 Wed Mar 19 6:00 PM
I'M FEELING = AFRAID & FRAZZLED
WHY = Starving.
Panicked.
Have to stay ~15m here.
Still the unpredictability of mom to deal with.
God i am so scared.
I am so tired.
CONTEXT TAGS = In Public,Library,Book Club
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2025 Wed Mar 19 9:31 PM
I'M FEELING = ALARMED & FRIGHTENED
WHY = PLEASE THROW IT ALL AWAY
CONTEXT TAGS = Alarmed,Frightened,By Myself,Home,Disordered Behavior
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2025 Thu Mar 20 2:08 PM
I'M FEELING = ADORING & FATIGUED
WHY = Made the effort to be here.
I'm SO EXHAUSTED THOUGH.
Still worth it 100%.
CONTEXT TAGS = Praying To Jesus,Adoration Chapel,Adoration
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2025 Thu Mar 20 3:30 PM
I'M FEELING = ANGRY & FRAZZLED
WHY = As usual I DO NOT WANT TO EAT.
The thought of it has been making me FURIOUS lately.
What's the real root of this?
I feel like food just prevents me from actually living, and being a real person.
It keeps me away from God.
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Kitchen,Getting Ready To Eat;Research
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2025 Thu Mar 20 7:56 PM
I'M FEELING = ACCOMPLISHED & NERVOUS
WHY = 900K today. Still hungry and that scares me.
Gotta be brave & endure.
GO ON THE LAPTOP. IT HELPS.
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;Praying To Jesus,Home;Table,Reading Scripture;Just Finished Eating
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2025 Fri Mar 21 2:35 AM
I'M FEELING = HORRIFIED & TRAPPED
WHY = Blood sugar PLUMMETED.
Literally thought we were going to die.
Spice is right. This eating disorder is literally killing us.
But what do we do?
The inpatient wards didn't help.
Only God can cure us at this point.
CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home;Kitchen,Recovering;Sick
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2025 Fri Mar 21 2:45 PM
I'M FEELING = DYSREGULATED & IRRITABLE
WHY = Too much talk.
I feel so sick.
I just want PEACE AND QUIET AND STILLNESS.
Even Adoration had people around.
God i wish I could cry but I'm SO ANGRY instead.
CONTEXT TAGS = In Public,Home,Spiritual Reading;Exercising;Talking To Acquaintances;Day Scheduling;Sick;Getting Ready To Eat
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2025 Fri Mar 21 9:13 PM
I'M FEELING = FRIGHTENED & DESPAIR
WHY = I lost again.
Its the damn hunger.
At least God was merciful to give me one last Gatorlyte in case of emergency.
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;Praying To Jesus,Home;Table,Disordered Behavior
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2025 Fri Mar 21 11:59 PM
I'M FEELING = HOLLOW & DEAD INSIDE
WHY = I'm so tired of this addiction.
My life feels utterly purposeless.
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Kitchen,Going To Bed;Recovering;Sick
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2025 Sat Mar 22 2:11 PM
I'M FEELING = MOVED & REMORSEFUL
WHY = Talking to Jesus and understanding ""sharing our/ His suffering"" in the context of LOVE & CLOSENESS. Deeply moved.
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;Praying To Jesus,Home;Table;Cleanup Room,Praying;Getting Ready For Church;Getting Ready To Eat
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2025 Sat Mar 22 3:59 PM
I'M FEELING = REJECTED & DESPAIR
(there were no notes for this day because the despair was so gutwrenchingly profound. what happened was that we went to confession, and we were effectively told that, if we did not take immediate concrete steps to overcome our eating disorder addiction behaviors, and therefore prove that we were sorry and trying to overcome it in earnest, he could not in good conscience give me absolution for repetitive eating disorder sins in the future. the problem is you cannot just "stop" an addiction cold turkey. we have tried so many times. and we had effectively exhausted our known options. so this felt like a literal death knell. it took weeks to recover.)
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2025 Sat Mar 22 11:28 PM
I'M FEELING = ACCOMPLISHED & ANXIOUS
WHY = Just spent THREE HOURS trying to get eating disorder help.
Lots of phone calls next week.
God, lead me to where I need to be.
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Phone,Psychology Work;Research
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2025 Sun Mar 23 7:55 AM
I'M FEELING = DISTRESSED & SCARED
WHY = Upcoming week is frightening. I don't want to go back to inpatient for Easter AGAIN.
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Meal Planning;Getting Ready For Church;Getting Ready For The Day;Day Scheduling
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2025 Sun Mar 23 12:37 PM
I'M FEELING = HAPPY & MOVED
WHY = Beautiful DOUBLE MASS morning and then MONSIGNOR BUONANNO at the Basilica!
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;Praying To Jesus;Parish Community,Home;Church;Exercise Bike;Phone,Exercising;Praying;At Church;Watching The Mass
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2025 Sun Mar 23 1:51 PM
I'M FEELING = CONTENT & FATIGUED
WHY = Choral music & heavy biking does my heart good.
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Exercise Bike,Listening To Music;Exercising;Getting Ready To Eat
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2025 Sun Mar 23 2:47 PM
I'M FEELING = ASHAMED & TROUBLED
WHY = I was rude to the E.D. lady on the phone.
I need to resubscribe to WOF & ASC but that's more to do every day. Still I WANT to. It's a better use of my time and it WILL bring me true joy.
Nevertheless, I overwhelm myself with checklist tasks.
I want my faith to be more of a relationship.
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Business Work;Getting Ready To Eat
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2025 Sun Mar 23 5:29 PM
I'M FEELING = BETRAYED & ANGUISHED
WHY = I WAS SO CLOSE TO VICTORY AND SAFETY BUT THEN MOM LEFT OFF TERROR FOODS.
GOD WHAT DO I EVEN DO
HOW DO I EVEN HEAL FROM THIS WHEN IT ALL REGISTERS AS POISON??
THE HOSPITAL MADE IT WORSE
I CAN'T GO BACK
GOD WHAT DO I DO
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Disordered Behavior
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2025 Mon Mar 24 2:31 PM
I'M FEELING = AGITATED & DREAD
WHY = I just can't stop panicking over Father P. I feel like he gave me an ultimatum "or else" refusal of absolution.
God please help me. I don't know what else to do but pray. This is hanging over my head like a guillotine.
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;Praying To Jesus,Home,Business Work;Day Scheduling;Getting Ready To Eat
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2025 Mon Mar 24 9:00 PM
I'M FEELING = DEFEATED & ASHAMED
WHY = I panicked over the stupid carrots.
I lost again.
Will I be forgiven this time?
Or have i run out of chances?
I don't want to go to the hospital again.
I KNOW it will make me worse again.
My only hope is a miracle.
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Kitchen,Disordered Behavior;Cleaning;Recovering;Sick
