the spectrum heart cathedral system

So we've spent the past few days going through the archives (2008-2012) and writing down "notable dates," because we want to celebrate + remember more things.
13 years ago, at the beginning of January 2012, is when our Core became "Eros/Cupid." This year was so interesting, full of equal amounts of love and terror, and then SLC happened and everything just... shattered, apparently. But we want to re-read everything in full after we do this effort.

We added Spotify links to the Akoufoni entry, although we haven't cleaned up the old data yet. But this, too, is a huge memory-restoring effort, because those 'foni help us get a grasp on chronology when there's no actual experiential memory of the physical life, just music data.

We also... found the most recent System Census, from 2017. The one we actually have on our laptop wasn't uploaded, though, and has a few extra names? We started going through it, and... this is going to sound absolutely brutal, but we're starting to think that the post-CNC massive death was almost a pruning. I have no other way to phrase it.
We were horrifically splintered during CNC. We know this. We couldn't function at all so we had TONS of foni just manifesting at the drop of a hat in the desperate attempt to hold things together.
Now, we're going through this list, and... apparently, the foni that didn't resurrect were the ones that were shattered pieces to that effect, ones with hyperspecific jobs for hyperspecific circumstances. We don't even recognize some of the names.
But... we've been saying over and over to ourself since 2017, "God had a reason for letting that happen." That was the only "comfort" we had. It was the only way we could deal with the reality of coming back into consciousness post-Tilly and realizing that most of us were dead. But... was that merciful? Those foni maybe even deserve to finally rest in peace. I mean that, with as much aching compassion as I can, speaking of such a painful topic. But they couldn't survive now, let alone live. Their contexts, their jobs, belong to past timelines and locations and contexts that literally don't exist and aren't even possible anymore, so... if they don't come back, because they can't, then God give their broken souls the peace they never got in life. Please. However that works for nousfoni, give them peace.

...On a related note, I cannot put into proper words how much more alive and hopeful and joyful I feel, now that when I quietly "reach into" my heart-space and feel it, I can feel that "quantum entanglement" ping somewhere off in the ether, in unmappable space, but real. The other half of my internal heart is back where it belongs... in my daengel. 
Typing that, though, makes us aware of a concerning "split" yet. Jay, the "current" one, is alive. But is the current female-adjacent kardifoni a Jewel? Or not? Because Jewels deal with the Irispherae-- the new name for the "League," a term entirely ours at last. Still, the Jewel name STILL applies to ALL the Cores-- even the Jays, as is historically apparent. Or... did that change, to PROTECT the Irispherae, AFTER CNC???
Lord only knows. We're still trying to figure that out and we CAN'T until we actually upload and READ the archives from 2017-2018. We'll do that after we upload the TBHU journal & papers-- which we honestly should start ASAP, after we get these dates figured out.

That's all we're going to update for tonight. Just a brief little update. We're busy in datalogging mode and honestly this helps immensely, just doing this chronological runthrough of our past, and finally feeling the history in our heart, realizing that we have a past and it's beautiful and terrible and ours. It's making life feel real again, reviewing the years. So that's a true blessing.

Last good thing. Jay/Jewel (current Core with dual identity? unclear name, as we said) is STILL EMOTIONALLY OPEN. Like xe said, xer heart is not closed off, no matter how much hell we've been going through with the family. ...Actually that's significant. I think we have our koinofoni AND phagofoni to thank. THAT'S where the "many voices" are now, even if we've never listed them on a census before (we should, and will, soon). Those somafoni are saving our Core because THEY are taking the brunt of the stress and trauma, and yet they aren't alone in it this time-- WE are aware of them, and talking to them, and supporting them, and helping them heal as best we can, and trying so hard to protect them. We only started to do that in CNC; I do remember how novel it was to even THINK of talking to an esthiofoni. Now it's happening every time they show up. That's... immense, now that we think about it. It proves that system communication has dramatically improved since CNC and we didn't even realize it.
But as we were saying about the Core(s)... they're still entirely capable of love even if we are admittedly still grappling with some cathartic blocks due to family stress & religious fear. But that "even if" is amazing too. There's a devotion present, a dedication to love no matter what, a sort of courageously hopeful perseverance despite everything opposing it. No matter how bad of a day we might have, at the end of it, the Core is ALWAYS taking time to not only reconnect with the System at large, but to spend time with Chaos 0. They fall asleep together every night, and that is HUGE because in the past, broken Cores would be too ashamed to be near CZ. Now, that doesn't happen, even though we're struggling so much with body fear/ sickness/ loathing. I think we're more capable of mercy now, and compassion, even if we don't realize it.
OH. Someone said to write this down. We think a BIG part of this "not freezing up emotionally" is the fact that we have ANGRY FONI around. Somehow, that capacity for RAGE is burning through the apathetic risk??? Like, we CAN'T emotionally shut down because instead of doing that, someone is FEELING FIRE. And that's the Core element. That's a surprising thought. It makes sense though. God bless them.
We still need the capacity to feel sadness without drowning in it + triggering guilt/ shame/ religious terror + shutting down. We're emotionally crippled in that respect, even upstairs. This needs to be felt through & discussed further. Add that to the Xanga topic list.

We WANT TO and WILL have a Xanga ASAP btw. Life schedule hasn't allowed for it lately though; family stress, financial stress, and brutal insomnia have made it impossible to sit for ~6 hours of uninterrupted stream-of-consciousness transcription. But it's still a priority. Arguably I think the Core(s) want to finish this "important date" effort first, to get a stronger sense of self beforehand, and to refresh their awareness of collective history in general. We really did lose our general sense of "identity" post-CNC, and post-grandma, to be honest. We're slowly restoring it now.

Some other small but vital notes:
+ Sometimes in the morning, with all the steps of getting ready, our brain gets really discombobulated and we might end up in various states of undress because we can't pull our thoughts/actions together enough to complete that task. In the past Julie would try to front when this happened, but it would be very triggering for her. HOWEVER. APPARENTLY WALDORF CAN DO THIS NO PROBLEM. So she's literally been fronting when the body is undressed & we can't dress it immediately, because she doesn't wear clothes anyway and she's safe in that context. So GOD BLESS HER. We miss her so much regardless; it's actually wonderful for her to have SUCH a vital job, so we can see her more often and credit her with this to her honor.
+ GARRISON IS ALIVE. Jay has been "feeling hints of him" for a while? But the other night Jay "decided" to look for him/ "force the hand" of the Systemsoul (basically, "listen, I want to know if he can come back or not; show me RIGHT NOW if that's a yes or a no") and after some time Garrison DID "resurrect" IN LOWSPACE??? He's in the RUINED CITY, but it feels TIME-MANGLED??? Like it's POST-MASSACRE as well as post-CNC. Everything is ash-snow covered like nuclear fallout. The skyscrapers are hollowed out and blackened and fallen over. Everything is quiet and cold and there's a dread wind blowing and it's all so grey. And CANNON IS THERE, apparently "haunting" the hollow buildings Jay says? Like she's "damned herself" to that place. But it's SO WEIRD. This is NOT the "red apocalypse" place Scalpel keeps being haunted by, as the inheritor of Javier's trauma memories from the massacre. So WHAT'S GOING ON?? We NEED to look into this VIA HEADSPACE MEDITATION. To get data on this we have to LIVE IT. You cannot "reason it out." Logic won't get you answers here.
But Garrison IS ALIVE!!! Jay's showing me a memory that he "dropped down" into that "Lowspace-floatspace" (whatever/ wherever/ whenever it is) to meet him, and immediately gave him such a huge hug, haha. Tears of relieved joy from both of them. That's really touching.
We don't know about Isadora and Kalisha yet, but "a request has been put forwards." So we'll see.
ALSO. Archivists (Shirley/ Sirius/ Penny) and Communicators (Garrison/ Isadora/ Kalisha) are DIFFERENT CLASSES WITH DIFFERENT ROLES, and apparently there is a THIRD CLASS held by the "helmet girl/ commentator girl" and probably someone else (because trios are a big thing up here)??? So that's FASCINATING but it makes SO MUCH SENSE and the better we understand it, the better we'll function.

It's 2AM and we had dinner at 430-630 and it was the only meal we ate today and it was only 1000 calories. I don't think that's sustainable. We need to split it into two meals, and get at least 1200. We have to. But someone is saying "that's gluttonous" "stop being so luxurious" etc. Don't have a face for them yet. (THESE are the foni we have to pinpoint for a census; there are TONS of "discarnate" foni that slip under the radar)
I mention this because we're getting a headache & the body is cold. We may need to stop for tonight and sleep, so we can have a "breakfast" before 4pm. But someone is furious about that. We need to talk to these foni.
We ALSO need to CLARIFY COLOR ROLES so they HAVE SOMEWHERE TO GO in the System. Too many "faceless foni" just default to Brown because they don't know where else to go. And there are SO MANY FILES STARTED on this laptop SPECIFICALLY ABOUT COLORS that were never finished. That's something I know Jay is aching to do, so put that on top priority too, with the Xanga.

A few last notes.
+ We got the strong impression that if Nathaniel comes back, his name/face would have to change again. We don't know why that's a thing with him but it might be because he was born a blepofoni.
+ Josephina's essence must have a name change for him/her to manifest. Jay says it's sticking to a "Y" as the first letter instead of J, to "prevent blurring with Cores" (that's their letter).
+ We have no current blepofoni and that's a big problem; it might even be affecting the Core's ability to stabilize. The Core(s) have been striving to make the reflection "more resonant" though, especially with the massively fluffy hair we currently have, haha. But blepofoni are essential so we need to keep an eye out for them, and keep the door open for them-- if there's no openness to seeing them, it'll block them out, and it is very hard to get through bad days/ have a distinct sense of self without a blepofoni in the mirror.
+ Siobhan is alive and around but we have to keep calling her into the main room in the mornings. We don't know why she disappeared for a while but we're glad she's still with us.
+ We're still not sure what's going to happen with Spine. The TBHU journal had some interesting thoughts about that-- it feels like she might "come back different" too, with how so much has changed since she first manifested. This, too, requires more feeling than thinking to get a grip on.
+ Still not sure if, when the System FINALLY "moves CLEARLY into a new era" (we need a HARD SHIFT remember; we never got one after the several successive losses from 2018-2024), there will be duotone foni.
+ Still not sure if there is a somafoni split in truth, or if everyone is just a nousfoni. We think there are far less somafoni than we realize-- that term might (should) ONLY apply to foni who think they are singlets and act as such. Everyone else, even koinofoni who live primarily IN the body, should STILL be grouped in with the System at large.
+ Re-reading 2012, we don't know if the Eros bloodline is technically separate from the Jays or what. That whole topic is still a minefield but that color shut down after CNC and ANY sort of Spectrum hue-loss is deadly. We need that color back. Funny how history repeats itself in little ways. It's beautiful, actually, in this case; it feels like things are poetically coming back together, through repeats of our past, connecting our "now" to our "then" in a united whole.
+ IT SNOWED TODAY. Jay is very happy about this. It's actually still snowing a tiny bit right now. Snow makes him feel "real"; he says it makes "everything feel real." It makes him feel grounded and alive and connected to "the big picture"; it "gets him in touch with eternity." I can feel a bright ache in his heart as he says that, which is good. I know he can't wait until Infi comes back entirely. Honestly we're all waiting. Infinitii is essential to our System; when ze comes back, I can guarantee you things will change dramatically and quickly. It's inevitable. But Infi will have to heal too; ze has a lot of damage that was never dealt with, and that we all need to deal with alongside hir. But we will. It's time. It has to be. Do we have the right to "decide" that? Laurie says, "why not?" It's because there's a religious fear that "God will stop us from healing" because it's "not His timing." Laurie says, "well, we have to try. I think God would want us to finally heal from this so we can function for heaven's sakes, and do what He wants us to do with our life." And again, like I said before, there are "peripheral" foni we can sense, thriskefoni with vague colors and faces and no names, that we cannot clarify but who are definitely there. Man... there's more going on in our head on a daily basis than we realize. That's exciting though. Someone else says it's frightening, terrifying. DON'T YOU DARE SHUT US DOWN she's right, NO ONE has ANY right or authority to "prevent other people from existing." The "gatekeeper girl" especially. We all remember Christina's attempted "soft massacres" and the actual one that Jessica & Cannon inflicted in 2013. No more of that, ever. We let us exist. Have mercy for heaven's sakes. You claim to follow God, where is your mercy? You who are so ready to pick up the knife and slaughter the rest of us? "You're not real," they say. "Define real," someone else retorts, "considering you're just like us." They're screaming protest in response. I wonder if they're our biggest threat here. I wonder if they're also the ones pushing the starvation compulsions. Different ones than these, but same class, for sure.
Too much for 230AM. But I don't want to ignore it. Let us pause and listen. Jay is reaching out, asking. (He always does; I think that's a big part of his job as the Heart.) "What makes you real, and us not? Can't you see me?" and fear response on their part. No words. But that was a good reply. Laurie is saying to stop commenting and close up so we can continue working and get some sleep for heaven's sakes. That's a good idea.

This is a good entry. We haven't had a solid entry in a while, even just notes like this.
We'll do better in the future, once the Core(s) stabilize. I promise that. It's something we want very much and will achieve through love and effort and the grace of God. We haven't "lost" all of this beauty we're reading from our past. It's still very much who we are. We can, and will, be that again-- and even better, as we continue to heal and love and grow together.

For now, Laurie is right. We need to wrap this up and let the body rest, no matter how much we want to keep working. If we go to bed now, we won't have to sleep in as much, and we'll have earlier time to work tomorrow, which is better for focus and processing ability. So we will do that.

Good night everyone. We're very glad to be alive tonight. We have a lot of hope.

(Jay says Spotify keeps playing Chaos 0's songs and let me tell you, if anyone is proof that our heart is alive, it's Jay. Yeah we're still confused on bloodlines and bodymind splits and all that, but this white-haired prism-hearted boy-- however he may evolve and change in the future-- is so full of light and love and color and truth, when he feels things this powerfully we are all affected by the power of it. The fact that he didn't die is phenomenal. he's proof that we have a future. that's just how it is. he's alive and so are we. that's a good note to close up on.)
(no, even better-- the lyrics in this song. "i can tell, i can feel, you are love, you are real." the look those two are giving each other is a beautiful thing. that's worth living for, is the thought i get. it is. and we need to protect that, and we all need to live in that too. we'll get there. we'll rebuild better than things were even in the past, in the glory days. there's more light on the horizon than we realize. things have seemed so dark for so long, but no, the stars are still all shining in the sky. there's always hope. hope is a fighting thing. remember what jay told anxi-- remember what our core is for anxi, and vice versa. realize everything beautiful we still have now, and don't let go. whatever happens tomorrow, we are all together, and we are alive, and we will continue on no matter what, into eternity. love is eternal and we have it now. don't be afraid. you know the truth. live in it. fight for it. that's who we are, and always will be.)

 
Still off and depressed from Last night

Heating devils SCREAM in my head during prayers
Shows the "God phone" is on the wrong frequency.  Need better jargon, its more like a radio. Tuning capabilities. Or television sometimes?? Because i CAN & DO SEE THINGS according to the frequency too.

BK prep interrupted by "speech-injector" kakofoni from that "peanut gallery" = mimic & Siobhan targeted?
Laurie & Jay realized those foni ONLY "speaksend" in 3RD PERSON, according to some ASSUMED SCRIPT?? And words injected are ALWAYS joking or entertaining or commenting. There is NO SELF AWARENESS AT ALL. Jay tried to "make them admit their behavior" by reflecting their efforts but it CHASED THEM AWAY because it would require SELF ADMITTANCE which they CANNOT do???

Pope Francis devotional somehow 2 days ahead. Random two that were skipped actually worked together. Thanks God!

TERRIFYINGLY ACCURATE DAILY DEVOTIONAL about evil being a RAVENOUS DEVOURER BY NATURE. entire thing applied explicitly to eating disorder. TYPE ABOUT IT!!!!

Deeply soothed by Lapide commentary. We got so mixed up & upset by Cyril & Chrysostom???? Type about that too.
⭐OH DUDE I SUDDENLY UNDERSTAND WHY.  It's because we naturally get angry and upset with people who cry, And his rebuke of people who cry so Ludicrously felt like It was given an excuse for our cold-hearted response. That wasn't his intention but that's what it felt like because it was the same end from a different motive?  But we have this natural instinct to always defend a party that is being attacked,  So we instinctively took up the position of the mourning women? Although we AGREED with cyril!!! The ambivalence was so painful & confusing, because it INCLUDED BOTH OUR VICIOUS CONDEMNATION AND OUR MINDLESS MOLLIFICATION. It was entirely unhealthy.
We were NOT in a sane spiritual "WISE MIND" while reading!!!
ALSO HYPERFEMININE & EASILY OFFENDED. Masculine mind ACCEPTS IT HEARTILY, if rather brusquely. Need a BALANCE??? (HOW IRONIC.)

⭐While reading here's a question.
WHO IS THAT KAKOFONI GIRL THAT MAKES THE RUDE "MEAN GIRL" COMMENTS???? Like "wow, THAT was a stretch" on an interpretation, with a "sneer" feeling. "You're an embarrassment" implied.
IT'S NOT BRIDGET BUT SHE FEELS RELATED????? DIFFERENT COLOR!!! Nasty nasty attitude. NOT "holier than thou," its blatantly "wow, you're an idiot!!" NO "HOLY" INVOLVED. IT'S JUST MEANSPIRITED SATISFACTION AT VERBALLY STABBING PEOPLE WITH CONSTANT DERISION. Total air of superiority manifested in judgment & CONTEMPT!!!
⭐Her statements MUST BE ACTIVELY & IMMEDIATELY CONTRASTED with positive DEFENSES of the accused! Otherwise her evil words will TAKE ROOT. Warfare MANDATES instant counterattack!!!
“As the twelve hours change through the day, and the breezes change with them, so the minds of the Jews may easily be changed, that those who before hated Me may now love and receive Me!” = she scoffed at this, BUT we defended the point (A FACELESS FONI SPOKE?? bluish leaning indigo!!) and said it shows a GREAT & BEAUTIFUL PREDISPOSITION TO HOPE on the commentators part! AND a uniquely graced insight that is outside the box. We followed this train of thought and got a visual-flash of inspired expansion on it; Jesus taking to Peter about "gathering storm clouds" and "oncoming night" etc.

⭐HEY THIS ATTACK/DEFEND THING OBVIOUSLY TIES INTO THAT "MOURNER" PROBLEM TOO; CONSIDER IT IN THIS PARTICULAR LIGHT!!

A not on commentary.
Some Pastristics talk AROUND their point? They offer INCORRECT statements FIRST, BEFORE they state the truth in refute, and its confusing. They ALSO ask tons of questions, and metaphorize almost everything. This DOES give insight, but to read, it hurts our brain. No fault of theirs.
PASTE EXAMPLES .
⭐BTW God LET this confusion happen so that we can understand MORE and more DEEPLY from it, as well as learning HUMILITY & GRACIOUS "FORGIVENESS" (no offense done but we TOOK offense)

Remember yesterday=
Julie Magdalena upset; commentators denying the POSSIBILITY of conversion. Deeply hurt, talked at length about this.
Read BACE to soothe her heart, spent an HOUR. Filked us with JOY AND HOLY EMOTION. Moreso than repetitive prayers?????
BTW LAPIDE REFERENCES CORRECT. "Yes that is her in Luke 7" etc.
Still surprised at how strongly we reacted to this???
BTW REMEMBER WE GOOGLED MARGARET OF CORTONA

⭐"I prefer to say this, rather than what some suppose, that she desired to deprive her sister of this commendation, viz. [of going to meet] the coming of Christ, for this appears to me too foolish and womanish, and unworthy of so holy a heroine."
Realizing that our INTERNAL MORAL MISOGYNY = EQUATING VICIOUS BEHAVIOR TO FEMALENESS INHERENTLY!!!!

⭐"Hence learn by way of moral, that God often suffers us to fall into tribulations, and allows them to increase unto the utmost, and THEN powerfully helps us, that He may show His Omnipotence and providential mercy. THEREFORE the faithful Christian must not then despair, but increase in hope, and pray the more earnestly. For when every human help fails, then the Divine help approaches and is very near... It is therefore the proper attribute of God to supply the defect of nature, and so also to help the lost and hopeless, according to the saying: “The poor committeth Himself unto Thee; Thou art the helper of the fatherless” (Ps. x. 14)"
= we TWISTED THIS???? "God will ONLY help us IF we are in utmost tribulation"???? EATING DISORDER / ABUSE FORCING!!!!
"ALL HUMAN HELP MUST FAIL BEFORE GOD WILL HELP" = refusing ALL aid & assistance "or else God WON'T save me"???
We FORGOT that HIS HELP WAS STILL GUARANTEED?????
"God will only help the hopeless so I CAN'T have hope EVEN in being saved" = a DEVILISH MANIPULATION
THROW THAT IRONY BACK IN HIS FACE!!!! GOD LOVES PARADOXES. HE IS BOTH/AND!!!!!!!!!

...I haven't been living AS IF I HAVE ETERNAL LIFE.
Some part of our psyche GENUINELY STILL WANTS TO DIE.
"She" rejects life; she wants no self, no emotion, no future.
TATIANA ALSO WANTS THIS DIFFERENTLY, WITH "SELF ANNIHILATED IN CHRIST"!!!!! therefore NO RELATIONSHIP!!!!
That is a huge realization.
THE RESURRECTION OF THE BODY IS OUR BIGGEST OBSTACLE.
...

⭐OUTSPACERS ARE GETTING SHOVED INTO CENTRALITE-ADJACENT ROLES BECAUSE OUR MIND IS STILL TERRIFIED OF EVERYONE WHO EXISTED DURING CNC???????
MIMIC IS PICKING UP LAURIE'S JOB ORDERS BECAUSE ON SOME UNCONSCIOUS LEVEL LAURIE IS STILL FEARED AS CORRUPTED. MIMIC IS UNTOUCHED BY ALL TRAUMA. THIS IS MONUMENTAL

...

 
Church
No appointment
Wegmans stop briefly, Genesis upstairs offering support
Said no to chocolate compulsion!
Frankincense considered, but lung spasms

Klonoa music talk
"We kin Klonoa so hard" = felt like we LIVED THE GAME
Almost in tears from how much we love it
KLONOA IS TO JEWEL WHAT NIER IS TO JAY
ARE THE JAYCES TIED TO DISHONORED??????

BK prep ALONE at last
"Waiting for impact" social residual anxiety
So much "any second now" fumbles & dissociation

Taffy "triggers" (get new jargon: not ping either)
Butter rum & Genesis fronting, "What color he would have to be" = GOLD. Got Wreckage to front and it MATCHED RESONANCE!!!!!
Vanilla is PASTEL VIOLET????
Sugar fronting, said it didn't match her, BUT the "sweetness" ITSELF did in the "sharp" regard?

Lynne & Siobhan confronting briefly (w carrot & dishes)
Confused body: "can't have 2 people in the driver's seat" = went into automaton movement

Daily devotional = evangelization & "Christ as our goal" = THE HARVEST IS RIPE; WHERE ARE THE REAPERS???
In our very unique field WE HAVE BEEN GIVEN VITAL WORK!!!

Bathroom door open w jades stuff= TWO FONI TRIGGERED
Light blue tween? "Thousand yard stare" "being watched" resignation
Peachy pink Young adult? "Cheeky," "peach" vibe. Selling self as consumable. Automated. LIKE WHAT INFI INTERNALIZED

Mimic & reconciliation Etymology = "call together" & John 5, "the dead will hear His voice"
Also it implies a restoration of what already once was = "He created me" "I'm not as much a stranger to God as I think I am"

Awful mom call "My life has to continue" + "all four of you screwed up" basically. "Why can't you all be normal"
VERBATIM "when I die you're all screwed, and that keeps me up at night, because none of you can survive without me" and "I want to enjoy my life and have fun, I want everything to be normal, but I CAN'T have a life because of you kids"= what is she even trying to communicate? Does she hate us? What does she want us to do or say???
How do I respond without bitterness or judgment?

Jesus identity with God based on total obedience = "Jesus never did what he wanted to do but always what God wanted him to do. It is because his will was completely submitted to God's will that we see God in him... This obedience is not based on submission to power; it is based on love. The unity between Jesus and God is a unity of love. We speak of two minds having only a single thought and two hearts beating as one. In human terms that is a perfect description of the relationship between Jesus and God. There is such complete identity of mind and will and heart that Father and Son are one."
We can only submit our wills so totally if we WANT TO BE ONE WITH who we are obeying. And we can only want that oneness if we LOVE THEM TOTALLY.
Rebellion occurs as a result of INVASION/VIOLATION FEAR??? Like how we're terrified of the mother. No obedience = "unity of will" because we don't WANT to be "PART OF HER" = feels monstrous
The biggest question= why then are we afraid to obey God? Who do we falsely fear He is? What do we fear He will do to us if we are united with Him? Because that's what it boils down to= loss of selfhood, even if the "self" is toxic & hated & evil. Are we afraid that its death is fatal to our soul as a whole? Or are we afraid of "who God will turn us into instead," like a zombie or a bodysnatcher? 

Green = color of PRIESTS??? "Ordinary time" = life of Christ