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If grandma's death had gone "the way I wanted," I never would have realized the effect my bad living was having on her.
"Your grief can also be the price of souls."
God, in His Providence, deprived us both of consolation in order to give me spiritual graces. I think grandma wanted that, even more than she wanted me there-- and that's hard to say. But, I'm sure that if God had asked her, "you can either have your granddaughter here with you for one last day, and have everything be perfect, or... you could not have her here, and never see her again until the next life, BUT in that great suffering and sacrifice, it will SAVE HER SOUL." I am sure she would have agreed to the loss.
Because honestly, let's face it. I was willingly blind. I knew I was sick, but I kept making excuses. It took her death, and my stupidity during it, to wake me up to the actual reprehensible abhorrence of my addiction.
I never would have had the sheer agony of contrition in order TO repent, if I had not f*ed up that last week of her life so much.
...
It's a very hard pill to swallow. But it's heavy-duty chemo, and my self-hating grief is a cancer.
I still don't know what to do about the asinine things I did prior to that last time, though. I use "I" bitterly yet honestly-- whoever the heck "I" was back then, they were still part of this collective psyche, manifesting ugly evil parts painted plastic-white. That girl, while wearing her mantillas and crucifixes and obsessively going to Mass, was the most sinful person of all of us. I mean it. She was worse than Julie, worse than Jezebel, worse than Infidhell when you get down to it. And that is saying something.
"Tilly" was the devil in a Sunday dress.
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Daily events:
Chopsticks broke
Both set of kitchen lights burned out
Youversion completely "updated" and it is now SUPER BUGGY & UNUSABLE.
All of this in ONE MORNING had us reeling. Felt like God "dealing us death" to make us let go of life more.
There were important lessons in it all. Those chopsticks were a remnant from the bulimia days-- with them gone, that's one more tie eliminated. Those lights were half-dead anyway, too-- now that we replaced them, the kitchen is much brighter, and in the process we learned how to properly replace a dead bulb! And with the Youversion update... well, now we need to look elsewhere, for an explicitly Catholic source, one where we won't constantly be butting heads with the freakin' prosperity-antigospel preachers.
Jade shower stop, timed it so it was DURING our therapy phone call
Therapy call all but useless once again. Therapist said TWO SENTENCES the entire 45 minutes, and those were "so how can I help you?" Lady if YOU have to ask me that I'd be better off paying a mirror, wink nudge cough hello headspace!! On that note she REFUSES to acknowledge the fact that we are EVIDENTLY MULTIPLE, which isn't a surprise as she has given ZERO INPUT to our sessions other than "you should cut ties with your family" and "you should try more coping skills" and "you need to stop being so religious," effectively. I'm sorry this is bitter. But we CANNOT get anywhere here. We NEED DIALOGUE. Oh well. At least this is making us DESPERATELY WANT TO START HOSTING XANGA SESSIONS AGAIN.
Since it was rainy, we got Jade to drive us to the library to pick up our Ghibli DVDs at last-- and we got FREE DVDs as well?? They were having an "autumn cleanout" of their library section as most folks are going digital, and told us to go through the rack and seriously take as many as we wanted. Well, we only buy/own DVDs IF said movie has had a significant enough effect on our life for it to merit rewatches. And, lo and behold, the rack had TWO OF THEM, IN PRISTINE CONDITION. The first was... I kid you not... INCEPTION. Which had a PROFOUND effect on our innerlife way back in 2010, during the SLC stay, and it DIRECTLY INFLUENCED JOSEPHINA'S CREATION. (We miss him so much, still; his "birthday" is next month so it'll ache even more.) And it was a Blu-Ray to boot! So that was amazing. I guess God was saying "it's finally time to re-watch this." That's NOTABLE. As for the second movie? Big Fish. Now I don't know if anyone ever typed about that-- probably not-- but it was one of the LAST movies we remember watching with grandma before she died, and it stood out because it was about death. It was like watching her impending future on screen. It hurt so much to watch... and yet it was so beautiful. But the part that hit the hardest? Grandma LOVED it. She was ENTHRALLED, and so were we. That's why this film stands out as "THE last film" we watched WITH her, because after this one... the pain and the cancer made her mental state so bad, she couldn't focus anymore. So this film became very beloved.
We also grabbed two more DVDs we'd never heard of-- one was a religious one, about the Holy Land and Scripture, and the other one was an artistic film about Van Gogh? So we'll see! But it was nice, to have something new, too.
At a loss as to Bible study, now that Youversion is down. We can't compare translations anymore. We can't highlight like we used to. We can't even collapse footnotes. Our ENTIRE method has been CRUSHED in one update.
We think we're just going to stick with the commentaries for now, and weed those out too-- again, we keep stumbling across Protestant heresies, which we are ONLY able to identify AS WE ARE BETTER CATECHIZED. Honestly, if you aren't familiar with the basic structural tenets of your faith, you are AN EASY TARGET for the devil to sneak his subtle lies in instead.
2 cor 2:14-16 = ROSE ALLERGY METAPHOR!! The rose itself smells objectively sweet, BUT if you have an allergy to it, your body will treat it AS AN ENEMY, and attack it-- but that very attack CAN KILL YOU. The rose has done nothing wrong. It's your misinformed immune system that has hurt you, BY SEEING THAT ROSE AS AN ENEMY. The parallel to Christ and the depraved soul is obvious.
