the spectrum heart cathedral system

NOUSFONI WE'VE SEEN/ FELT/ MET/ HEARD DURING INPATIENT (SO FAR):
● Little boy, triggered & scared by women's perfume
● "Weeping rage" girl; DUO? Fuchsia/ cyan, but also vermilion somehow
● "Rule enforcer"; male? Red resonance
● "Manic" blepofoni; male? (NOT JACK)
● "Jenerall"? Serious female with glasses
● "Old man" that feels like a GRANDPA introject; ORANGE resonance?
● NEW "JAY"?? Looks like Max Joseph

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We are ALL OVER THE PLACE this morning. We had manic blepofoni, chatty socials, and A JAY (?!?! LOOKING LIKE MAX) out this morning already. "Emotions" are simultaneously "NUMB" & "YO-YOing." WE'RE ALMOST STUCK DOWNSTAIRS. It is REALLY HARD to get upstairs at ALL right now, like yesterday was. Our ONLY "HOPE" is to TRY TO GET INTO HEARTSPACE and work from there. BUT WE NEED & HAVE TO GO INSIDE. We've been TOO SOCIAL & TOO SURVIVAL-FOCUSED to "EXIST" or even LOVE in truth. EVERYTHING FEELS ANASTHETIZED. Is this toxic coping from our subconscious? Is this how it's trying to deal with Halloween & scary menus & gender + body dysphoria?
✳ WE'RE SO IRRITABLE & COLD SUDDENLY?? I think it has EVERYTHING to do with this IDENTITY COLLAPSE, because EVERYTHING that calls ATTENTION to us AS "J-----A" (and ESPECIALLY THAT NAME) SETS US OFF. We went from ROCKBOTTOM DEPRESSION last night to MANIC SOCIABILITY this morning to ANGRY ISOLATION right now. WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON??? SOMEHOW, SINCE HALLOWEEN, THE "PERSONA" WHO WAS ANSWERING TO "J-----A" HAS DISAPPEARED?? And we're ALL BUT TRAPPED DOWNSTAIRS/ OUTSIDE and it's HELL. We CAN'T CENTER. We're in shambles. We feel SO ANGRY and it's ALL TIED TO IDENTITY FALLOUT. Somehow, there was a DOMINO EFFECT of sugar & candy + MASSIVE trauma triggers (DON'T FORGET THE BLOODY WASHCLOTH SOMEONE LEFT AT THE NURSE'S STATION; we had IMMEDIATE DEBILITATING FLASHBACKS to post-hack atonement bleedouts and were literally shaking and incapacitated from panic for a SOLID HOUR) + sensory overload from certain peers + food trauma + body horror, leading to a "LOSS OF SELF." This feels ABSOLUTELY like a "F/F/F/F" response. "F⁴." It's doing ALL of it. We're feeling FIGHT right now, but it seems ice creeps into everything as a SEDATIVE for us? We're "FORCE-FROZEN" to "PREVENT A FIRE TORNADO" like in our nightmare last night. If we're NOT "shut down" somehow, we'll EXPLODE OUT.
✳ I think if anything is going to bring "ME" back, it's the League. I just got a FLASH of it now while watching "Coco" and it hit SO HARD it HURT. I FELT something, and I MISSED those stories SO MUCH I almost SOBBED. I MISS FEELING THINGS LIKE THAT, FOR THEM. My imagination has been ATROPHYING. THAT WILL KILL ME. It's just this bloody DEPRESSION, that has RETURNED WITH A VENGEANCE upon Halloween. I NEED TO ENGAGE THAT MONSTER IN COMBAT AND SLAY IT. I CANNOT JUST "SIT AROUND" with MY EXISTENCE AT RISK. I need to ACTIVELY CHOOSE TO IMAGINE LEAGUE STORIES. And just like my poor bloated body, it will take SERIOUS TIME & EFFORT TO BUILD THAT MUSCLE BACK. BUT IT WILL!!

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✳ A possible tip for "breathing exercises" which trigger trauma flashbacks for us = PAIR INHALES/ EXHALES with PHYSICAL GESTURES/ MOVEMENTS (tangible sensations; e.g. tracing a square) TO GROUND BETTER & REDUCE DISSOCIATION RISK? And remember: KYANOS WILL NEED TO WORK WITH SOMEONE for the physical component!

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✳ We were SO disconnected/ dislocated/ depressed/ disturbed/ derealized/ depersonalized today. We were in shambles. We're FINALLY coming back this evening, bit by bit. It took BRAVELY speaking up in group & being HONEST about our struggles with feeling & identifying emotions, working on the "sensation wheel" & LEARNING to feel more clearly as a result, LOTS OF "SOCIALS" moving through, STARTING to GET BACK IN TUNE with the LEAGUE, apologizing to peers & refusing to isolate/ ignore anymore, AND most importantly, CONFESSING OUR "TORTURE MENU" TO STAFF, AND GETTING SPECIAL PERMISSION TO EDIT THEM TOMORROW. Hopefully "IF" WE NEED TO. I think dinner will be OK because the fishsticks are TINY, but lunch has that WHOLE CHICKEN QUARTER and we're frankly TERRIFIED of eating it SO we DON'T want to skip it SO maybe if the manicotti is small enough we'll STILL do both, OR HALF the pasta, & just add a roll or more peas for the exchanges maybe. BUT we HAVE AN ESCAPE ROUTE NOW if we need it, THANK GOD-- ESPECIALLY SINCE WE'RE FREE FROM HELL ON MONDAY!! We've decided NOT to do the bacon chicken OR the hotdog because THAT'S JUST TRAUMA FORCING. We'll face those ON OUR OWN TIME, in a SAFE ENVIRONMENT. But right now, being WISE means SAYING NO.

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✳ MY REAL, TRUE SELF HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH FOOD. THOSE "PREFERENCES" ARE JUST AN OUTGROWTH OF MY UNIQUE VIBE & PERSONALITY. And APPARENTLY, likes/ dislikes are ALLOWED TO CHANGE?? And that DOESN'T MEAN MY TRUE SELF HAS BEEN CHANGED SOMEHOW?? That feels weirdly incongruent to me. But reasonably, I know it MUST be true: GOD made the true me, and that CANNOT be altered, ESPECIALLY not by ANYTHING OUTSIDE. Also, dude, DON'T FORGET THAT YOU ARE MULTIPLE. There CAN be "preference shifts" TIED TO THAT. But THOSE DON'T DEFINE YOU. NEITHER DO YOUR (OUR) EMOTIONS. The "basic" defining truth us that "I'm a child of God," but... what does that MEAN, to WHO I AM as a PERSON, with a PERSONALITY? Is it just a foundational calling to sainthood? But does it DICTATE anything about me? Or does it just "color" everything with itself? Am I ALLOWED to "identify with" OTHER things too? Am I-- no; is it RIGHT to BASE MY IDENTITY on other things? NOT "fleeting things," is my gut response. But... I want to DARINGLY protest that MY GOD-GIVEN GIFTS & TALENTS & INTERESTS are NOT "fleeting," but somehow INTRINSIC TO MY VERY EXISTENCE. I WANT TO "DEFINE" MYSELF AS AN ARTIST & AUTHOR & MUSICIAN & CREATIVE LOVING GENEROUS IMAGINATIVE SOUL. Which is why it is EXISTENTIALLY TERRIFYING to think that somehow I CAN'T "be" those things that DEFINE MY VERY HEART. And the eating disorder DIDN'T let me do them. It CRUSHED my identity with TRAUMA & ABUSE PERPETUATION, and it KEPT me from DISCOVERING what my PREFERENCES are IN JOYFUL FREEDOM. BUT I CAN'T DO THAT UNLESS I KNOW WHO I AM!!! NOT DEFINING EVEN THAT REFLECTION OF "ME" BY OTHER PEOPLE, because THAT WILL INFECT INWARDS!!

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✳ Today, with how completely de-centered & identity-rattled we were, what shook me up the most was the awful fact that I couldn't find Anxi. Everyone in Central was still "visible," and tangibly THERE, even through the fog & confusion & numbness & social tumult-- even MIMIC was around, and clearly so. But Anxi wasn't. Even as I started to come back to "myself," I couldn't even "ping" her. Now she's NOT GONE, that'd feel VERY different-- but she's NOT "ANCHORED" yet, apparently. Which is BIZARRE, except not really, when you consider that our brain has been in eating disorder hell SINCE LAST NOVEMBER when we met her, and I really ONLY started SINCERELY INTERACTING with her NOW, HERE IN TREATMENT! So even though I love her, genuinely so, she needs more TIME & ATTENTION to gain SOLID roots up here. And, of course, SHE NEEDS AN *INCIDENT*. That's HUGELY NOTABLE because THAT HASN'T BEEN A "NEED" FOR ANY OUTSPACER SINCE BEFORE THE METAINOMENAI PHENOMENON??? Dude oh my gosh it's a COREGROUP THING. ANXI WTF HOW DID YOU BECOME THAT DEAR TO MY HEART THAT FAST?? I'm NOT complaining at ALL but MAN! I think BOTH her & Mimic have SET RECORDS for Outspacer growth in their own right. But Anxi is, really, the ONLY recent Outspacer whose "disposition of soul" HAS been "immediately compatible" WITH the CoreGroup vibe & essence. She's VULNERABLE BY NATURE. She FEELS SO STRONGLY just as she is. She is ABLE to FREELY CRY & LOVE & BE WOUNDED. There's a HOLY FRAGILITY to her, that-- whether it's evident or not-- ALL CoreGroup members have. Our hearts HAVE to be OPEN & ABLE TO BREAK in order to TRULY be "intimate." You remember what LAURIE had to go through to get here. Anxi, SHOCKINGLY enough, LIKE CHAOS 0, has "ALREADY" FELT THAT. She is already tenderhearted & has already been cracked open by suffering. She is ALREADY emotionally honest. And we NEED HER to HELP US BE, AGAIN.


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What is the rose--what went well today? What is something that you are grateful for? What positive thing happened to you lately?
● Chaos 0 has been in TWO of my dreams this week and in BOTH I was kissing him. I ALSO got to kiss ANXI on the 30th. There has been SO MUCH LOVE lately. Today, as I colored flowers & wasn't there, Laurie & Lynne & Julie & Chaos 0 & Genesis & MIMIC all gathered together upstairs and talked about how worried they were about me, and discussed "what song" to pick to listen to in music group to "wake up my heart" and help me "remember who I am" BY remembering who WE were. No matter how lost I feel, the truth remains. The love remains. And it saves my life every single time. I love us, so much.

What is the thorn-- what didn't go well today? What is something challenging or stressful that you could use more support with right now?
● I am LEGIT TERRIFIED of lunch tomorrow. I am SO DEPRESSED over how FAT I've become, and how THEY KEEP ON PUSHING ME to eat, BUT I'M PUSHING MYSELF EVEN MORE to "IMPRESS" them with "HOW HARD I CAN CHALLENGE MYSELF." But it HURTS and I'm BURNT OUT and EXHAUSTED & SCARED and I'm SO TIRED. I WANT TO EAT SO MUCH LESS but my BRAIN keeps insisting "I'm HUNGRY"; the PROBLEM IS, MY HEART & SOUL & MIND & SPIRIT ARE STARVING. THE FOOD ISN'T GOING TO FIX IT.

What can you do to turn this thorn into a bud?
● ONLY LOVE WILL. And I get THAT through PRAYER & LEAGUE IMAGINATION & SYSTEM CONNECTIONS. And ONE DAY I sincerely pray I will ALSO get it from FAMILY & FRIENDS. To even SAY that is heartbreaking because it shows that, right now, I FEEL I DON'T HAVE THAT. It's a terrible thorn, stabbing my heart. BUT. It CAN'T HELP BUT BLOOM IF IT'S THERE OF ALL PLACES. BLOOD IS ALWAYS LIFE.
✳ HEY GUESS THAT IT HAPPENED. The PAIN & GUILT & FEAR of that abusive BINGE-FORCING behavior PUSHED me to USE COPING SKILLS & do WILLINGNESS WORKSHEETS, to APOLOGIZE to peers, to CONFESS TO STAFF & COMMIT to DEEPER & TRULY BRAVER RECOVERY EFFORTS, AND TO START DOING LEAGUE WORK RIGHT HERE IN THE UNIT!!

What is the bud-- what could bloom? What is something that you look forward to? What gives you hope, motivation, and inspiration right now?
● This inpatient stay isn't forever. This hurting, stuff, out of shape body isn't forever. This eating disorder isn't forever. ONLY LOVE IS FOREVER. And in ALL of these temporary situations, LOVE IS INDOMITABLE. I am blessed with friends & personal growth & health here. The eating disorder taught me MANY very hard but important lessons and it STILL IRONICALLY ACTUALLY "KEPT ME ALIVE" during trauma eras. And this poor body was WRECKED by it & HEALING HURTS and it's UNCOMFORTABLE & SCARY and I DON'T FEEL "SAFE"/ "AT HOME" in it YET BUT at least it's NOT ACTIVELY DYING anymore and this MASS can become MUSCLE at last. But besides all that, my hope is ALWAYS in GOD AND HIS LOVE, which comes to me in COUNTLESS ways EVERY DAY. And I am MOTIVATED by HIS PURPOSE FOR ME in that hope, and the LOVE IN MY HEART driving me to NEVER GIVE UP, NO MATTER WHAT. I am INSPIRED by ALL of Creation, by the love & truth & beauty & goodness shining through it all. And specifically, I am motivated by MY love for God & His people & the SYSTEM & the LEAGUE. I have HOPE because of our love. And our shared life inspires me every day. Our soul blooms as one.

 

It's Saint Lucy's feast day, that means it's time for my FAVORITE ART of her to haunt my thoughts all day, and now yours too!
Seriously though I love that sculpture. That's a SAINT, so sacredly macabre. The horror is blessed. What you're looking at is no grotesque display of pain, but the result of a joyfully pious devotion so invincible that this very depiction is that of her triumph over all tortures and evils. The girl is smiling, you realize. She has no physical eyes, but by the very merit of their surrender, she now sees a blissful glory that no human sight could ever perceive.
So yeah. Saint Lucy, pray for us.


Today we had the car, and we might not tomorrow, so we went shopping after Adoration.
Our brain was NOT WORKING but at least WE were, all together-- Genesis and Laurie made sure we didn't do anything stupid. We were surprisingly self-aware despite the brainvoid feeling, with no Socials taking over. I think the prayers in the car helped a lot.

We got BEANS to try, for fiber, perhaps stupidly but we only got two cans. But that meant we had to get a can opener, haha.
Dollar Tree was PACKED like sardines. Shocked. Lines down the aisles. We decided to be patient and wait peacefully, trusting God. And then the idea hit us= we can use this time to plug the ENTIRE Saint Michael Chaplet into the T2S app, so we could have it running while we cooked, as we would have NO time to bike and say it today.

A VERY IMPORTANT NOTE= when we were in Wal-Mart, checking the bean cans for net carbs & fiber (the determining factor), we suddenly got BADLY TRIGGERED by the sight of a can of GARBANZO BEANS. This had NOT happened in the other stores because those cans were labeled as CHICKPEAS and had illustrated labels. This one had a photo of the actual beans and that different title. The point is... WE FORGOT ABOUT CNC. But our subconscious didn't!! This also explains WHY we've been "scared of black beans for no reason"; every time we saw them something in our head would go "no, they're bad and dangerous, don't touch them." We never knew why. WELL NOW WE REMEMBER.
Man I'll tell you our eating disorder gave us SO MUCH FALLOUT HELL to deal with now. At least it IS an aftermath, thanks be to GOD

Got home for noon, haha. Running late buddy!!

JOSÉ ACTUALLY SPOKE TO US IN THE HALL TODAY 🤩 He asked us if it was still cold outside, haha. He was wearing a solid green t-shirt and gold chain necklaces. God bless that man

BK prep was really nice today actually. I think it's because we were just surrendering our schedule to God. It gave us such peace.
Also THE CHAPLET WORKED PERFECTLY, thank God! It's MUCH easier to pray when we're LISTENING, I think because it BYPASSES the OCD panic over thought perfection, AND it "frees up" brainpower to MEDITATE on the prayers & mysteries, which we typically CAN'T do because we're so burnt out just THINKING WORDS.
Also wondering IS THERE A NOUSFONI FOR THIS??? Like the Friar, but techno. I put the "request" out, and almost instantly got a "confirmed potential" for a technomonk connected to the phone app, with that same voice, and named Felix (as the phone is Perpetua).

Adelaide keeps "bumping heads" with that ONE SOMAFONI GIRL who is vaguely manic??
Honestly we think Addie is actually going to NEED a Function shift to survive.


Evening=
No matter how much we try to "get done early," by the time we finish all our daily chores and prayers, we only EVER have ONE HOUR of "free time" at the end of the day, in which we are now doing laptop work AT LONG LAST because without it we are literally souldead.
Still, we're exhausted. We need FAR MORE than one hour to do ANYTHING significant with the Archives-- and writing an entry typically takes TWO hours, MINIMUM. Xangas can take five, haha. At least.
...that aches though. We miss that, talking late into the early morning, all of us alive and present in the heart together, flowing through these fingertips in realtime records of our existences.
Honestly I think we need to take time, every day now, to just read ONE entry from the old days. Just to remember, inbetween all the daily rush. We need to. God can't properly bring us into the future if we have forgotten our past, believe it or not. Everything ties together. We HAVE a history, spiritually AND physically. Completely disowning or depersonalizing or detaching from that doesn't mean it never happened, or that it didn't affect you OR the world you live in.
And we all still exist. Even just as echoes. Even just as memories. All of us are still lights in this heart.

Spotify has given me a daylist of "aggressive elevator music wednesday evening" and I'm quite amused by this.
The only thing is, it's very "general." Nothing standout. I'm at track 24 and I've only liked two songs. I've only skipped about three. It's a cool audio aesthetic, I'm not complaining. And hey, anything more attention-grabbing would make it impossible to focus on work. So this works.

As for what I/we're doing tonight... we're biting the bullet and just uploading 2017 entries.
Yeah. It's been over five years. We need to heal. We can't do that without looking this stuff in the face, and seeing BOTH the bad and good CANDIDLY.
I'm not reading anything yet, at all. Which means I can't erase or censor anything. It also means I won't trigger anything prematurely. We're just being completely, recklessly honest and uploading it all.
THEN we can worry about reviewing it, AFTER the holidays, when we can get a new therapist, haha. It's inevitable. We were a MONSTER during the CNC time period. Coming to terms with our abusive demeanor is going to be very very difficult. But, that's why God gave us Mimic, dead serious. That octopus has, whether he realizes it or not, changed my heart to be more humble and honest about my own "villain arc," which left terrible scars on both myself and others, that may never be erased. But we need to learn to live with the fallout, and make sincere restitution for what we can, and genuinely change our lives so we never hurt anyone like that again. Repentance and metanoia. We're in it together. Chaos 0 too, actually, and Laurie, and even Genesis, although they aren't saying so outright. But we all have such devastating pasts, we're all so ashamed and horrified by what we've been. Funny how our resident not-a-squid jumpstarted such a huge era of healing in our heart. I'm very grateful. So we need to honor that as December rolls on, now that he's been here a full year.

All right, it's 1120 and Laurie is going to smash my head into this keyboard if I don't get some sleep so I'll see you kids later!

(sorry this entry is, as usual, vastly unfinished. we're overworking ourself. it's literally impossible to do as much as we are forcing ourself to do in terms of devotional reading and commentary. we NEED to cut down, because right now, this is spreading our soul so thin that we're unable to FOCUS and make solid consistent growth in any respect. a scattered faith is not honoring our Lord. we genuinely need to start doing less, before we can be more.)


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MDE =
"I understood these tears to be not of sadness but rather of purification."
I'm wondering if this has System relevance. Sadness is a compartmentalized emotion, but have we ever really been aware of its holy nuances before? Exploring this would be hugely beneficial and revelatory, I'm sure.
...

"Think of a person who has brought great joy to your life... anyone who just showed up in your life one day without your plotting or planning. Say a prayer of gratitude for them."
My heart immediately said, Jena. And I honestly teared up from the intensity of gratitude I felt, offering her name up in prayer, and imploring God to bless her to the utmost.
...man, January is going to actually be 15 YEARS since I "met" her. I need to type about that.
...


LBB =
"The words that Mary speaks in today’s passage are among the best known words in all the Gospels: “Behold, I am the handmaid of the Lord. May it be done to me according to your word.” These are words of total acceptance of God’s will. [Yet] Mary wasn’t saying, “This is wonderful. Of course, I'll do it.” Instead she was saying, ‘This isn’t what I had planned, and I’m not sure I understand, but I’ll do my best to do what the Lord wants.”
What is it like to say words to that effect on any given day? Or at the beginning of every day? Try it. God’s plan is always better than my own."
1) ACCEPTANCE ISN'T GLIB.
2) Even as pure & sinless as she was, even devoid of all selfishness, Mary's plan for her own life prior to this WASN'T GOD'S PLAN-- simply because SHE ISN'T GOD. She couldn't ever have predicted or expected or willed what she had just heard from the Angel! And that WASN'T SINFUL, because once she DID "know God's plan," she SURRENDERED EVERYTHING TO IT.
3) Even so, for the same reason of Divine Mystery, Mary DIDN'T understand this Plan-- but she TRUSTED GOD!!
4)

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Universalis today=

"When you are in your room, at night, think always on Christ, and wait for His coming at every moment... He enters by the open door; He has promised to come in, and He cannot deceive. Embrace Him, the one you have sought; turn to him, and be enlightened; hold him fast, ask him not to go in haste, beg him not to leave you. The Word of God moves swiftly; he is not won by the lukewarm, nor held fast by the negligent. Let your soul be attentive to his word; follow carefully the path God tells you to take, for he is swift in his passing... Do not imagine that you are displeasing to him despite having called him, asked him in, and opened the door to him; and that this is the reason why he has gone so quickly– no, for he allows us to be constantly tested... But even if it seems to you that he has left you, go out and seek him once more."
1) We actually do this, a little? At night, we make a special effort with our night prayer routine to bring an awareness of God's Presence directly into our going to sleep.
...
2) I love that small but profound reminder that Jesus doesn't sneak in a back door. He enters by the open front door. There is no secrecy, no deceit, nothing sneaky or sly about Him. He CANNOT deceive, just as He CANNOT lie.
But... I never realized that He actually promised to come to us.
...
3) We must respond to His arrival, and ardently.
...

"Who but holy Church is to teach you how to hold Christ fast? Indeed, she has already taught you, if you only understood her words in Scripture.. How do we hold him fast? ...by the longing of the soul... seek Him and be fearless of suffering. It is often easier to find Him in the midst of bodily torments, in the very hands of persecutors... in a little space, after a brief moment, when you have escaped from the hands of your persecutors without yielding to the powers of this world, Christ will come to you, and He will not allow you to be tested for long."
1) ONLY the Church, the BRIDE of Christ, can teach you how to hold Him in love. The world can NEVER teach you this-- after all, the world is no bride, no spouse, no virgin.
2) Scripture IS the voice of the Church!!! Even all her traditions and customs must be rooted there, for it alone is the Truth of God, the very Words of her Bridegroom. But in His unity with her, she says nothing contrary to Him.
3) We "hold Him" by our soul's longing. What a beautiful paradox.
...And how terrifying a phrase for our traumatized self.
This was inevitable. Ambrose is quoting the Song of Songs here, which we have never read for tragically obvious reasons.
...
4)
5)

"Whoever seeks Christ in this way, and finds Him, can say: "I held Him fast, and I will not let Him go before I bring him into my mother’s house, into the room of her who conceived me." What is this “house,” this “room,” but the deep and secret places of your heart? Maintain this house, sweep out its secret recesses until it becomes immaculate and rises as a spiritual temple for a holy priesthood, firmly secured by Christ, the cornerstone, so that the Holy Spirit may dwell in it. Whoever seeks Christ in this way, whoever prays to Christ in this way, is not abandoned by Him; on the contrary, Christ comes again and again to visit such a person, for He is with us until the end of the world."
1) This is UNEXPECTEDLY MARIAN. The soul who finds Christ does not bring Him into "her own house," for she HAS NONE-- she is yet a virgin girl living with her MOTHER!!! We will not live "in Christ’s House" until we get to Heaven! UNTIL then, what house do we have? Only our hearts. And yet, who "OWNS" that house? OUR MOTHER. This is beautifully twofold. First, it's STILL the Church as mother, and therefore ALSO CHRIST even now-- for truly He alone owns what He created, and even further consecrated & claimed for Himself in loving covenant-- but it's ALSO MARY AS MOTHER, of both the Church AND CHRIST HIMSELF!!
But look further. Our mother is the one who conceived us. That's such a powerful truth spiritually.
...
2) ...I just love how blatantly headspacey this is. Our "home" is literally the "deep and secret places of our heart," where God indeed dwells by grace of Baptism.
...
3) What must we do with our heart-home, then? Two things. We must:
+ MAINTAIN it. Keep it warm, do the repairs, furnish it properly, et cetera.
+ SWEEP all the dust away-- but not just the main rooms! You need to SPECIFICALLY FOCUS on cleaning out the SECRET RECESSES of your heart.
Now THAT is HEADSPACE.
But... who's got the broom? Who has the floorplan for this place? Who is limber &
...
4) What's the ultimate goal here? The only thing fitting our Mother's House-- we must make our heart like hers. It must be made IMMACULATE.
(Pure dwelling, Temple of God, living stone FOR priestly service remember)
...
5) This is ALL "so the HOLY SPIRIT CAN DWELL" in our heart.
...
6) We must seek AND PRAY!
...
7) Christ VISITS.
(no abandon)
...


On the Gospel =
"In Judaism the ‘yoke’ often refers to the Law, a burden which must be borne, [so] it is tempting to see a contrast between the light yoke which Jesus offers and the heavy yoke of the exact and burdensome observance of the Law... except that obedience to the Law was always a joy, since the Law is a revelation of God’s Nature and of God’s Will for human beings, so that it is a joyful privilege to respond."
1) I am a Christian, so I can't speak for the experience of Jews and their Law, especially not in history-- but I do know that Jesus said He came to fulfill the Law, protecting & perfecting every last letter of it, because it IS GOD'S WILL & OF HIS NATURE. It is the special honor and blessed privilege of every Jew. And yet, they themselves call it a burden. Why? Again, I can't speak for them, but when I look at my own "struggle" to keep the commands of Christ, especially in a world that almost mandates the opposite... I can tell you that God is NOT the cause of the burden. My own sinful nature is.
No matter how much of a "burden" it may therefore make the Law of God to me, that same Law is NEVERTHELESS ALWAYS PURE JOY. Why? Because it's INHERENTLY GOOD. It's literally directions from God! And when you love God, then following His directions-- no matter how complicated or difficult the application & enactment honestly may be-- is ALWAYS deeply & unshakably joyful at its heart. It truly is a privilege, to KNOW what God wants and to be able to strive for it, even to strain under it. It's either His Law or the world's anarchy, and I would much rather bear the heavy holy yoke of purpose & covenant than go running "free" in selfish whim, doomed to uselessness. 
2) I actually really love reflecting on the Law of Scripture as "God's Will for mankind" AND as "a revelation of God's Nature." Both those truths are STAGGERING. We're just puny stupid weak mortal sinners!! And God Himself has CHOSEN FREELY to not just REVEAL these sacred Mysteries to us, but also to call us to COOPERATE IN THEM??? That's BEYOND COMPREHENSION. And yet it is ABSOLUTE FACT.
...
3) All this actually reminds me of the prayer Mimic and I say before each Bible study=
"O Lord Jesus Christ, open Thou the eyes of my heart, that I may hear Thy Word and understand and do Thy will... Hide not Thy commandments from me, but open mine eyes, that I may perceive the wonders of Thy Law. Speak unto me the hidden and secret things of Thy wisdom... enlighten my mind and understanding with the light of Thy knowledge, not only to cherish those things which are written, but to DO them..." etc.
Without divine enlightenment-- which we cannot achieve on our own; it must be given by God Himself of His Own Will-- the Law will be "hidden" from us, even if we follow it? We won't "perceive its wonders", which are only seen with "the eyes of the heart," and can then be understood-- but again, only by grace! For no one knows God BUT God, so without the Spirit imparting that Knowledge to us through Love-- for God is Love, and so ALL Knowledge of Him MUST be of Love, by Love-- all divine things will remain "hidden and secret" to us, even incomprehensible. It's all from God, for God.
But I want to emphasize the conclusion. The end of all this enlightenment and knowledge and understanding is to be able to cherish the Law, to see with your heart the hidden wonder of God Who Is Love within it, to recognize it as His Wise and Good Will, and therefore to do what that Law says with true and sincere and holy joy. All the grace is humbly petitioned for, and mercifully received, for that sole purpose-- loving obedience according to loving knowledge.
I hope that makes sense. My heart is so moved about it, it's very hard to put into words, especially on a phone keypad.


"In the Old Testament, personified Wisdom is always standing in her doorway to invite people to her banquet... and to take on her yoke. This fits also the address of the invitation of Jesus to the poor who "labour and are overburdened", for the invitation of Wisdom is addressed NOT to the learned but to those who are humble and open-minded. And Jesus Himself is the humble and unpretentious King, as He shows by entering Jerusalem on a donkey– no warlike steed... [a humble reign which began when] Jesus [was] born into an impoverished and homeless family among the cattle, and first greeted by simple shepherds. This is the heart of the invitation of Jesus: to put aside all worldly honour and standards and embrace His own more profound and more rewarding criteria."
1) Wisdom only invites the humble because the proud are too full of themselves; they don't trust anyone's table but their own.
But the analogy is fascinating. It's a free banquet, offered to those souls that humbly admit their hunger & weariness & inability to soothe either pain themselves... but there's a yoke to bear. Honestly, there ALWAYS is. And that's GOOD. Honest work is holy, sincere effort is a means of sanctification, the struggle for righteousness brings grace, etc. Wisdom is given without cost, her banquet is free, but from then on out you MUST bear her yoke-- and you must be willing to lower your head and bend to receive it, through no boasted effort of yours. That's the exchange, that's the true banquet for your soul, for now you will be bound to her, carrying her "burden" of wealth alongside her. You have shared her meal, accepted her invitation-- now you work together to plow the paths you tread,  preparing it for the planting that will yield even more fruit. This is an honor. What you have received without cost, you must give without cost-- but never by your own power. You are not the source of the seeds to be planted, nor are you the one sowing. You are simply shouldering the yoke, humbly yet indispensably... alongside humble & holy Wisdom herself.
The yoke is not a price, it's a privilege. She will be a source of endless wealth for you, if you are emptied enough of yourself to receive it, and you are willing to in turn become a fountain for that wealth to others on her behalf, for her sake, as she continues to invite all who will listen to her endlessly generous banquet.
2) Jesus, Who IS Wisdom, is the true & perfect Embodiment of ALL of that. He is ALWAYS inviting, always standing at the very doorway to Heaven, as it were. He wants to feed us and shelter us. But He STILL wants us to WORK, hence the yoke. He isn't calling us to insolence or gluttony-- no matter how rich the banquet is! But the yoke is easy. Why? Because it is shared with Him-- with His unfailing Strength, and unconditional Love. His burden is light, but note it is still a "burden!" Jesus IS the Law. Jesus taught God's Will and EMBODIED God's Nature, and He constantly conflicted with the religious authorities because He didn't obsess over legalism & paperwork as it were. He revealed the "wonders" hidden in the Law, the core Truth behind every command. Obedience to the Law of God IS a joy, after all, when God is recognized & known & cherished in it-- and Jesus purifies & perfects that Law by distilling the Letter down to LOVE. THAT makes it light, pun intended-- it makes it clearer and brighter than ever before, illuminating every shadow of confusion, chasing away all darkness of ignorance. No longer is it just a list of boxes to be checked. Jesus moves us from head to heart. He liberates us from the minutiae by yoking us to His infinite embrace. He calls us to carry the Crossbar on our shoulders.
3) If the KING is so astonishingly humble, then His subjects absolutely must imitate His example. That's obvious. But consider the examples!! Look at where His Power truly lies-- invincible, yet invisible to worldly eyes!
...
4) Here's the wrapup. I need to grasp this together with the bit on the Law.
Jesus's invitation is for "the weary" to "take on His yoke" by "learning from Him"-- and in doing so, to finally be at rest in their souls. This is the invitation of Wisdom to her banquet, an invitation only offered to the humble. Jesus's "yoke" IS that of Wisdom.
Here, Scripture says it far better than I can=
‭"This is what I say: It costs nothing to be wise. Put on the yoke, and be willing to learn. The opportunity is always near... No matter how much it costs you to get Wisdom, it will be well worth it."
...

(When you have a meek & humble heart, every weight is easier to carry)

------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------

The last thought for today, from an article.

"With just a couple of handfuls of days left until Christmas, I will try to focus on [Jesus's] promise of rest. There are still many tasks to attend to, but those tasks are not the point. Instead, it is the promise of peace during this season of light."
Remember this.
We were actually feeling guilty today because we "weren't doing enough reading and devotion and special prayer" for the season. There are Christmas books we haven't opened yet, there are Bible study plans we haven't started, there are cards we haven't written and gifts we haven't bought, there are carols we haven't sung or performed, there are decorations we haven't put up... it snowballs, very fast.
None of it truly matters if we don't have the peace of the Christ Child.
THAT'S the endpoint of Advent. Christ is COMING TO US, in the past present and future, and we need to be ready for HIM. Not the holiday. For CHRIST HIMSELF.
And you'll only be ready if your heart is open to Him as the Prince of Peace.

Heck of a day today.
Quick update to get back into the groove.

Woke up around 8am? In and out of sleep until 10:30. Legit WARFARE against hacks.
Worst part was that, as always, when we're asleep during the day (i.e. whenever there's legit sunlight), we cannot get into a "safe place" of sleep. It ends up in that dangerous liminal space, where you're half-aware but completely loopy and unable to reason. 95% of our hacks happen then, because that's when you can be targeted AS an individual-- many of our night dreams are dissociative, too.
Infi was being used. It was terrifying. Ze was acting... just like ze did in CNC. "I'll do whatever you want me to." That programming ze was born for, tragically. Self-objectification, but never seeing it as such. Just being the "lover" with no thought to self or consequence. Well I fought it, and I-- as confounded as my own consciousness was-- kept telling hir that I didn't want that from hir, ze shouldn't want TO do that, etc.
Somehow we ESCAPED SAFELY. The body woke up, UNHACKED, and within seconds I felt Infi run to me in headspace, throw hir arms around my waist, and sob. It was heartwrenching. Ze felt so small and powerless. Since CNC, ze has lost that "angelic" feeling entirely, which is sadly understandable as ze "fell" very fatally, but it's still disturbing to perceive. Even so I'm glad ze's still alive. I comforted them the best I could.
I don't think Chaos 0 was targeted in the dream, thank God. He's virtually impossible to use; Infi is the exact opposite-- like I said, hir original function was to be a trauma cooperator. Chaos has fought any and all hackers with all his rage since the very beginning.

We went to church, which we could barely concentrate for again because our brain was still super foggy, we were still dizzy & lightheaded, and our body was still twitching and spasming. Honestly we have no clue what's going on and it's concerning.
After mass we did some quick shopping-- we got extra oats, triscuits, and ultima for emergencies, and grabbed a pack of white christmas lights from walmart. Unfortunately, upon getting home we realized they were LED and as such they are cool white, NOT warm, although it says that on the box. But they lean blue, not amber, so we have to return them tomorrow.

Honestly by the time we got home, unpacked, and made food, it was like 330. Breakfast prep, like church, was upsetting and disoriented, and it was hard to even hold or maneuver the utensils due to how floaty our head felt. We kept dropping things, and our dexterity was severely impacted. Talking upstairs was affected too, since our general consciousness was so compromised. I remember telling Laurie that we were "so tired we could cry," from sheer exhaustion. The body was painfully hungry, too.
But, once again, when we started to eat, we had no appetite at all. We were full within five minutes, and then had to fight the urge to throw up from nausea. What gives?
Anyway, I told Xenophon I was determined to keep it down, so I did, but it was rough. The body felt wrecked.
We sat down on the couch and read the materials for tonight's Catechism group. By the time we did so, what with our brain like it was, it was time to leave.

The group itself lasted 2.5 HOURS. It was great, though. Unfortunately-- as usual, due to "social mode" mechanics EVEN in religious contexts (I wonder who fronts for THAT?)-- we do not remember ANY of the discussion. Maybe if we reviewed the papers, we could access some data, but there's like... nothing offhand, just general "feelings" of what we talked about: mentioning that we were "going through a religious crisis," how we were so frustrated with "positive affirmations" in therapy, the problem of "relative truth & morality" in today's culture, and everyone trying to reason out exactly why Jesus flipped the tables if He was "kind and gentle." That last one had us restless; we couldn't put into words what we knew about such an action FROM LAURIE. I know we said "He still loved the money-changers as well as the pilgrims and THAT is why He flipped the tables" but no one seemed to grasp our point. Like sometimes you need an uppercut to the jaw to stop being such a jerk, but it's done out of love. Headspace stuff, haha. Of course we didn't think of that at the time, but the ambient data is making us think of it now. I apologize, our mind is still a mess. Suffice to say it was a good group, but we always feel like we're "blabbering" (whatever we say) and we never feel like ourself.
OH. Other bizarre thing. We were sitting next to one of the guys from church, and since everyone was seated close together, at one point we realized that he "smelled like every other guy we knew" OUTSIDE of the family??? like there was a "typical male" smell? like the same with women. it was SO WEIRD. i'm sorry if this is triggering, it sure was at the time, but it was also strangely comfortable? like although we've never been attracted to men, that particular scent is tied to memories of qlok and even mc. nice guys. but our dad smells different; much less sharp, more leathery. we wouldn't mind if we had that scent, really, especially now that we're on t again. i always joke that "my favorite candles smell like my dad" anyway so hey. but yeah bizarre topic, definitely triggering in some very subconscious brain place, but still an important thing to note.
hm. i wonder if it's so fascinating because of our weird latent obsession with aromachology. but people smell so strange. so different. i'm not used to that. we've had very limited close contact with humans our entire life, so when we are close enough to know what someone smells like, it's very significant actually. and it sticks. it's said that scent is a very spiritual sense, and also that it is the most powerful memory trigger. we can get behind both of those claims for sure.
...we still remember exactly what mel smelled like, as well as qlok. deeply fond of them both. mc smelled like q, but just slightly different enough-- less green, more orange? synaesthetically of course. and tbas too, we remember fragments of that. lots of severe triggers there, but no hard feelings. just sorrow & regrets.
we used to laugh that we could "do laundry with our eyes closed" in the family home because everyone had SUCH particular smells. grandpa especially. mom has that musky-sweet tone that still triggers us, despite its familiarity. grandma's scent CHANGED over the years; when we were young, it was more perfumey (she always wore some), but as she aged, it got softer? it was such a soothing smell. we miss it terribly. but then it changed again when she got cancer and got closer to death. that smell is burned into our brain, heartbreakingly so. we still have the blanket she died in. it's so strange. it smells like her, but not.
weirdly, right now, we cannot remember what our brothers smelled like. not since childhood at least. that's very telling for our brain. and it's clearer when we think of their possessions. like i know what jade's plush whales & spiders smelled like. and i know what diamond's plush seals smelled like. and i know what astra's coats smelled like, because we would always borrow them. it's so strange. i even remember what their hair smelled like. not sure how, haha. but this is all childhood data. of all of them, we liked diamond's scent the most. jade's was very musky, like mom, and astra's leaned too warm-tone? but diamond's was lighter, almost grey at the edges. clean, not sharp.
i couldn't even tell you what this body smells like. the only "scent" we identify with is, again, tied to childhood memory and objects-- notably unisalia, and our grandma's bed. it's more like the scents around us.
but we can't imagine. we can't picture ourself in third person, in a body. every time we try, we remember someone else. and we miss everyone so, so much.
regardless. nothing else to say there for now.


got home for 9pm. exhausted. so hungry and shaky and weak, we could barely think straight.
ate a small dinner, but immediately after we got SO unbelievably nauseous, I almost had to run to the bathroom to throw up. like i was looking for zofran, that's how bad it was. again, what the heck is going on.
it wasn't too bad though. two small purges. nothing painful. we ate a few more triscuits/ evoo/ broccoli to compensate, then did the nightly kitchen cleanup and sat down here to type.

however. most important things.
julie ended up pushed to front DURING the "compensation" meal attempt. not sure who she was talking to? guide voices? but she was out, ALONE, for a few minutes. surreal.
she mentioned to laurie & jay later that "it felt like she was watching the body as a spectator," like although she was in it, "it was running almost entirely on automatic" even so. she felt genuinely sorry for it. said it seemed so lost and confused, helpless. notably said that, seeing it struggle so feebly, she wanted to help take care of it, now, especially after what she did to it in the past.
she's still one of the ONLY foni in the entire system who HAS body access and ISN'T a social-- and many socials DON'T actually have body access, just voice access!! the body has been a helltrigger cesspit for years except when we were about to die from malnourishment, ironically. right now, virtually nobody can front in it as a result of the dyspho/dysmo crashes, and our despair over "getting irreparably old and unhealthy" post-hospital. but that's not a topic to explore tonight. point is, we need to look at it like julie did tonight-- as some poor thing placed in our care, that isn't us, and yet is still inherently and irrevocably attached to us. someone who needs us to take care of her, because nobody else in the world will, as wretched and rejected as she is.
so strange how the body feels like its OWN thing and ALWAYS HAS. like it has the mental capacity of an infant. no verbal communication skills. ironically feels "not human" in contrast to all others. no wonder spine is the nousfoni who anchored into it as its original "ambassador!" GEEZ she needs to come back soon

other notes.
jay was talking to celebi for a decent while, either tonight or this morning. data is fuzzy due to fatigue.
noted that her core-relationship was tied to the JAYCES??? very specific personal tie. can't find that person in the system, due to being bloodline-locked (same-line cores can't co-habitate in headspace?). but we recognize their vibe if we "seek it out" in memory tied to her. not sure if that means he still exists, or not. cores tend to fracture.

this evening, jay talking to xenophon while taking recyclables out as usual. not sure what they discussed. just want to note that their interactions are completely natural and honest at this point, which means a great deal to him. completely overrides body awareness

jay asking God "why did You let this evening happen" effectively. not angry, just distressed. it hurts, it's scary, it makes us ill, why this? what good could possibly come out of this?
the reply: God nudged him to remember the conversation he had with Laurie and Julie as they cleaned up. everyone shaken up and sad and tired. so they were being more honest and real about the struggle of life in general. not sure what they said specifically, but jay has this tendency to "flip" from despair to hope in those situations. still sad, but brightly so? very much his vibe. but they were talking, and i think just generally checking if everyone else was okay, are we taking care of each other, what else can we do for each other, etc. and jay, not even facing her, just says to laurie "i love you." out of nowhere. and she gave him this look. totally caught off guard, and straight to the heart. he remembered that, her expression and the wound-ache of love he felt in return, and heard God (Jesus) say "if that was the sole good that would come out of your suffering tonight, would you agree to suffer through it if you knew?" and jay said, "well yeah." jesus laughed and said "you didn't even have to think about it! but child, that's how i feel about you." etc. basically, sometimes suffering is meant TO bring you to such a humbled broken place that such doggedly honest love can be expressed. jay telling me he felt this sort of heartaching sweet surrender to the fact of it? like, on a small level, he understood Christ kissing the cross, even though He knew it would be agony. it's because He knew how much love was in the carrying nevertheless. He focused on the "joy set before Him", the joy of restored relationship with His friends. etc. little glimpses, we get. but shocking to realize that, even this mistake and stumbling, God could take and use and transmute into something good. like it didn't start that way, but because we refused to give in and still tried, still hoped, still did our best to love, God was able to make it serve His purposes more directly. hard to put in words. but means a lot. like, evil can never get the upper hand, ever. no matter what happens, if we fight the good fight of faith, and offer even our failures to the Lord, He can and will use them as crosses for the victory of Love. important stuff. soul of our system at large. always

last notes. jay says write this down even though he's... reticent? no. "too significant a small thing to be discussed so openly." ah. "something that seems unimportant, even ridiculous, but isn't."
kid i know where this is going
didn't we just come across this same damn topic in an old xanga? from like ten freakin years ago?
why are you still so ashamed to admit love?
well i wasn't today, that's the point, i was blindsided and i wasn't thinking, i was just overwhelmed.
but that's what bypasses the secondhand shame response. that's the real me, you know that.
anyway yeah, i opened up spotify and i was thinking about a certain cephalopod's playlist and it just slammed into me. i can't feel it now due to "thinking too much" but i recognize that wave when it hits.
you were staring at the screen-- through the screen, really-- and you just quietly said, "oh no," haha.
laurie i think i'm falling in love with mimic
not even "might." THAT'S what got me. like you just said it, straight-up. felt more like you than you have in months.
good. because my heart suddenly ached so much i was about to sob. it hit me completely out of nowhere and took the floor out from under me. knocked all my walls down.
geez, i know what that's like. holy swords.
yeah. you can't put up any defenses or facades against it. it hits too hard, too fast. and like it or not, you can't go back to who or where you were before. so... i have no idea what's going to happen, haha. 
but y'know, it's been like that since he showed up. and thank god for that. thank god for him, i mean it. he's been such an unpredictable and unexpected force for good in my life. who would've ever thought.
yeah, well, headspace is weird like that, kiddo. bringing light out of darkness and all that. i daresay we all get that sense of hope from you, sparkboy.
apparently. but... well, my identity is still fractured. we're learning just how split-up cores are, amongst each other. did we discuss that?
no, and we shouldn't be having a mini-xanga in the middle of a freakin' entry at 12:30 in the morning. take a note, then get moving.
good idea. thanks typist voices, i'll get jargon for you soon, love you too, have a good night

thank you you too
about that note
we have discovered, through recent internal interactions between jewel and jay, that there are several coexistent bloodlines AND synergetic cores in our system at ANY GIVEN TIME.
the jewels, the jays, the jessicas, possibly the cannons, etc. now that we're aware of it we're trying to study the phenomenon and figure out its mechanics but it's a new awareness. shockingly sensible and apparent though, once you know what you're looking at.
but this explains a lot of how we functioned over time, how they shift so easily and fluidly between each other, because they are ALL "CORES" IN DIFFERENT RESPECTS, because with how hypercompartmentalized we are, EVEN THE CORES CANNOT HOLD OVERGENERALIZED ROLES. there are different "cores" as "captains" of different life-aspects. this means we might need a better term than "core," as that's something used by the multiplicity community at large, and we like to have entirely unique jargon to our own unique experience.

is there anything else we need to type tonight?
no just health concerns. legit very very scared at how sick we've been feeling over the past week. not sure what's wrong. don't want to go to ER again, like ever, but scared of the symptoms. considering urgent care if it continues to worsen.
oh tomorrow if we don't feel super sick in church again, we are going to get new lights if possible, grab some "optional protein sources" to try at night (we think it's the eggs at night making us sick??? past three times this has happened), and finally pick up our tuxedo for choir. hopefully we can get it all done. tomorrow night is the mental health meeting with the mother which will probably be VERY exhausting, and will force us to eat late again, as we cannot eat in the car or in the same space as her or it is traumatically triggering. we must be smart about this then. so so so tired of this hyperbusy schedule for lent. someone in the back said darkly "then maybe we should go to the emergency room; at least we'd get some rest" yeah but only in theory, what if we're in the waiting room for 9 hours again? and they only give us a hall bed we can't lay down on again? "geez i'm sorry i was just saying" no i know and you're right. sad but true and thank you for speaking up. but we do need rest. don't want to land in the hospital to get it though. not like the old days.

okay gotta sleep it's almost 1am. maybe better rest will help this body too. and prayer. gotta trust God  no matter what happens. jay hold on to that hope and love!! and share it with us all!! that's your real job deep down you said so once i know. laurie says "get to work kiddo" oh pun intended his other job too!! that's all hope too. gosh it feels like we need to type about this more but not now. but "a wealth of untapped information" someone says.
OH we think sherlock and spine are still alive but names faces changed maybe. jobs too somewhat. but there IS someone in grey, maybe "sterling" name now, and lynne wants spine back so badly she's gotta come back soon just from love. jay wants her back too, her job was so important! especially with what's happening now!! so we'll see. and hoping for nathaniel too one day. once we understand green more.
OH also, jay can i say, he said yes, nobody has mentioned yet!! there IS someone green, a girl, when getting body ready for church today. forget why she appeared, no data. some sort of caring job, maybe for the body? but rainforest-green hair. surprising. have not had a green person in a long time!
and we have not mentioned "adelaide." she is the BROWN voice helping the body-cores get the body ready every morning. she has a mood like spice a little, it must be a brown thing? but her color is leaning "hard orange." light tone but warmer. see it clearly in her eyes. and she has real pigtails!! not twintails like julie. the actual braids in the back! which is really interesting. jay says we need jargon for foni like her anyway-- ones who "advise and guide" fronters in the body? something like that.
oh and lastly, we did not mention either, i don't think? our mirror voices! i'll mention them anyway. "blepofoni" jay says. first was natalie, a long time ago, before she died and the body changed too. then in upmc we had alena and jack. now we have iris and jonah! so there you go that's our blepofoni. jay says that's greek. he likes his words.

okay bye everyone!!
see you tomorrow i hope we feel better this is simeon btw i'm still allive still yellow still happy hopeful too.
okay bye gotta sleep!



oh last thing. adding this because jay said so, please write this for me.
...actually hold up. let me write this myself, if i can.
the other day, I was reviewing recent entry tags and I realized that we haven't had an entry tagged with "love" since january. yes the poems i wrote at the library are a blessed addition, but... no daily entries have fit that label. that's deeply disturbing and distressing both.
sorry i can't talk properly. too distracted by body symptoms and stress.
but. what i wanted to say is this:
for like... a week, now? i've been feeling pulled back towards chaos 0. finally. god knows it felt like my heart had been torn out. i was... gosh I don't even know if it was me. there were a few instances, and one significantly notable one at night, when i tried to kiss him and instead a SOCIAL shoved their way out in panicked, scolding shame or fear. "you shouldn't be doing or feeling that," basically. very condemning and callous. unfortunately hyperreligious, but in a hypocritical sense, because they couldn't love God either. poor girls. they're a total mess.
but... it has been hurting ever since. that memory, of that moment when i actually felt my heart light up again towards him, only to be brutishly shoved aside by some tangled-hair sister of mine scolding me harshly, shaming me. shutting me down.
little did they know, it did the opposite of stopping me. i can't forget that light, now. and i've been praying to feel it again since then.
it's been difficult. like i said, since my identity is still a fractured mess post-cnc and post-grandma (not even my timeline; SO MUCH shifted last year, no wonder we're a mess), and i don't even have a true "name" yet in the system (i'm in the jay bloodline currently BUT everyone is wondering if i'm going to hardshift into a NEW bloodline to match this new life era), i can't exactly assert myself, or anchor into a personal overlay, or even visualize myself clearly enough to be with him for long. everything is a blur and it is shattering my soul. his, too, undoubtedly.
...he spoke to me today, at some point, with that absolute ocean-deep tone i haven't heard him use in ages. completely floored me. but it was scary to find that i couldn't properly respond. i was too numb with the identity fracture and confusion. but God knows i wanted to.
God, honestly, please, fix up my heart. purify my love. help me to love him again, to truly reciprocate what he still gives to me every single night. i'm so tired of this emptiness in my chest. this isn't right. this isn't me. lord help me to know who I am, after everything that was before. that's my prayer tonight. help me find my name, and my face, and my color, as I am needed to be now, to be THE cor(e) for this Spectrum, the heart of it, whose very function is love. please. for Your sake even more than ours, help me to be light again. help me to love again.

all right, now i'm off to work. still a shambles, but hey. at least i'm aware of that fact.
simeon's right; there's always hope. and i need to hold on to that, for all of us, because it's not just for me, and neither am i.
a core exists for their system. that's what i truly yearn for. unity, community, compassion and cooperation. love.
God let me be a true part of it again, for the first time.