102924

[prismaticbleed]

We're watching Catfish again in the group room & I have 2 thoughts: first, I WANT TO BE LIKE MAX. He looks legit EXACTLY like I wanted to look as a guy (also looks a lot like my dad, GO FIGURE), plus he's super kind/ nice/ funny/ confident/ industrious which are ALL virtues I value & am striving to grow in myself. So God bless the dude, he's a good role model for me in those unique ways. I want to be so BLUNTLY HONEST YET CONSIDERATE, unflaggingly devoted to helping people & pursuing justice, too-- WHILE having fun & being goofy with his friends: ideals I must continue to work towards.
Secondly: I MISS AIRPORTS?? I MISS the "TRAVEL" feeling, that "interim" space between destinations, the feeling of potential & adventure & discovery... the people from all over the world passing through, lives intersecting for brief blessed moments, those precious tiny interactions before they continue on to their next unknown. It's beautiful. And SO is FLYING itself. I can see why my sibling wants to be a pilot, even if it's not my calling or vibe. I still recognize & appreciate the beauty & freedom & skill of it. But... I wonder, would I ever want to just TRAVEL? Is that a lifestyle, however brief, that I'm capable of living? The "unmoored" yet liberating sense of being a pilgrim, a wanderer, a voyager, with no roots in the places I'm going except the ones I may choose to put down in love, even as I continue to explore & move on; the experience of searching for food & shelter & knowing it's all brief & temporary & all the more special for it; the plane tickets & bus tickets & long walks of sheer wonder, always aware of my limited time that makes it all holy if I let it. I wonder. It REQUIRES SUCH STRENGTH OF CHARACTER to pull off, too, which I think is a HUGE factor in WHY I wonder, because I WANT to be that kind of person. I WANT to be THAT CONFIDENT & COURAGEOUS, to have THAT much TRUST IN GOD'S PROVIDENCE & in my OWN CAPABILITY of meeting challenges & MANAGING "on my own." I WANT to be THAT DARING & JOYFUL ABOUT IT. But you know what? I just need to START NOW, & START SMALL. Start by TAKING THE BUS. Start by WALKING FURTHER. Start by VISITING LOCAL RESTAURANTS & SHOPS. Start by going to COFFEESHOPS & LIBRARIES & just BEING AROUND PEOPLE. Little steps add up! But DO START SMALL. You need to WORK UP TO HIGHER LEVELS, so it can GENUINELY TAKE ROOT & GROW SOLID. Jumping too far ahead isn't sustainable or wise. Plus it's more fun to work up from the ground up, as it were. From level 5 to level 100! And seriously, CHERISH THE PROCESS. There IS ADVENTURE & DISCOVERY & TRAVEL & WANDERING BLISS RIGHT HERE WHERE YOU ARE. EVERY town is someone's hometown, so START WITH YOURS. Be your OWN airport until we gain that opportunity in the future. But DO NOT DEVALUE THE "EVERYDAY/ MUNDANE/ ORDINARY." This part of the world is blessed & full of wonder & beauty too. The JOY is to FIND it & TREASURE it. Don't blind yourself to how special the present moment is, now. You ARE a pilgrim, on the way to HEAVEN! ♥

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✳ I know we briefly journaled about this in UPMC, but with Halloween this Thursday, we really should review WHY we still get "triggered" by the holiday, even briefly, just for the sake of later discussion. The first 2 immediate associations are: the original suicide attempt post-SLC (the 451 one, with Laurie), and the "streetlamp devil" moment in CNC (+THERE WAS MORE.) The other "fears" are from the first post-CNC Halloween when we purposely binged on TBAS's favorite candy as "restitution," childhood fears of the Knoebel's haunted house ride, teenage terror from BoyScout "haunted hayride" scares & environments, & childhood dread-horror weirdly tied to Country Junction "scare rooms/ tunnels" & hay rides/ corn mazes in general. Oh, and Roba's, for the "country" aesthetic & the crowds & smells, plus the oddly persistent fright-aversion to hay, corn, & barns. And DON'T FORGET COUNTY FAIRS, with their awful noise & those multilevel funhouses & amusement park rides. ALL of that has this underlying vibe of OVERWHELM, HELPLESSNESS, & being TRAPPED/ DOOMED. Literally just writing it out is triggering a physical panic response. That's significant to note. THEN there's the ADDED fact that Halloween happens mostly AT NIGHT, among LOTS OF PEOPLE, which is the "ultimate nightmare" in a way. Night SHOULD be a time of rest & safety & quiet solitude & HOME. When it becomes busy & dangerous & loud & crowded & FAR AWAY from ANY familiar/ welcoming/ belonging place, it feels like hell itself. This becomes LITERAL when, at Halloween, the FOCUS & AESTHETIC IS LITERAL "HELL." It's all ABOUT fear & danger & death. And I experienced religious-psychological "abuse" as a child that was ANALOGOUS to Halloween "themes." Honestly though Halloween is a TRAUMABOMB BY NATURE so it's really kinda NATURAL to be disturbed by it-- with all the blood & gore & violence & witchcraft & demons & monsters. I do NOT like it and even just for MORAL reasons I NEVER WILL. I will celebrate "All Hallow's Eve" like a Catholic should, & the culture's corruption is of no appeal or interest to me. HOWEVER, I DON'T WANT IT TO HAVE THIS "TRAUMA CONTROL" over my emotional state every October. I want to take ALL that "power" AWAY from it. Step one really should be AFFIRMING the TRUTH that EVIL IS "VOID" & GOD IS ETERNALLY VICTORIOUS, and as His child God WILL protect my soul from ALL that stuff, EVEN IF it IS scary. That's WHY & HOW Goodness is so powerful-- like the Cross, it stands INVINCIBLE EVEN IN the very MIDST of the worst fear & suffering, and it TRANSMUTES THEM. Light CHANGES things. It IS, whereas "dark" is "NOT." That's the ultimate truth. All these dark things are DOOMED TO DISAPPEAR in the end. So HOLD ON TO THAT HOPE & KEEP FIGHTING!