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SHJ Mass today because schedule different.
Lauds in car, guilt wouldn't let me skip it, thank God
Wegmans stop, asked for more prayers, got some more sacramentals!
Traffic trouble and "doubting the Spirit". Very humbled & chastened.
Unexpected laundry, Jesus recommended
TALKING TO HIM btw. Church too.
Also. We had to do the wash twice to get the suds out, and now I know why God did that-- because when we went to the dryer now, 40m later than it would've been, we met a NEW NEIGHBOR and were able to help him out with instructions!
Oh but we LEFT FIRST. We were already up the stairs when the Spirit elbowed us in the gut, haha. We legit TURNED AROUND and went back down to offer help.
Man I might even go BACK in a half hour to offer change for the dryer.
...I've never lived as a Christian before. Is this what it's like? It's ineffable. It's real. I'm not used to things being tangible, being actual and active, in time and space with people!
But this is exactly what that article I started reading last night told me. It literally turned my world upside-down. I need to quote it, type about it. But this is exactly what it was talking about.
God I WANT to live like this. I WANT to be a real Christian, a true disciple, a servant of God by serving His People. I've never known what it was like before. It's joy, even especially in the effort. Remember grandma. Remember SLC and CNC even, what we wanted them to be: serving others. Deep down my soul truly yearns for it, as a female especially, I'm wired to serve. And such acts of sacrificial charity are what need to grow in my faith WALK. I've just been talking! But Christianity is worship AND service, both symbiotic, united, inseparable. We are anointed to be like Christ Jesus Himself, our Head and Lord-- and His ENTIRE LIFE was serving, even to the point of giving His Life for our salvation, in redemptive death AND in Sacramental Food! Dude WE ARE OBLIGATED TO IMITATE HIM TO THE END. That is the highest privilege and it's TRUE JOY.
Don't forget, though, that we get our "fuel" TO do service THROUGH PRAYER. So did Jesus. It's inhale/exhale. We are given grace in order to give grace.
...And quarters for laundry, too, if the Spirit nudges you to it.
FOR THE RECORD = bliss isn't an emotion. Christian joy isn't about "feeling good" at ALL. Like all truth, it is beyond the sensible and temporal. When you do "good deeds," you must NEVER do them for a reward, or in the hopes OF "feeling good," like Professor Marmalade. You all know how he turned out! Rather, a Christian does "good" because God is good, and we are His Children-- we do good because Christ is in us doing the work for His glory and purposes. We do good because true goodness is found in Self-giving, in sacrificial Love, in tireless charity and boundless generosity, and we are able to do all of those things though the Holy Spirit given by the Son to glorify the Father. Our joy is in GOD.
And THAT is true bliss. Even when you "feel" empty, hollow, unappreciated, rejected, suspected, even slandered, if you are working by the Spirit, and for the Father's sake, as part of Christ's Body, then no matter how you are received by men you WILL have genuine joy in your heart. As divine mysteries are, it is quiet and deep, still and serene. You may not "feel" anything like secular "happiness," but you will have joy, and peace, and hope, and love-- all from God and for God. You are never the end of your own means. You are never the goal, never the summit, never the reason, never the cause. You're never "doing good" because of yourself; you are doing good and serving others and worshiping in action because God wants to use you to do His work. He has given you the opportunity and the grace to meet it... but He has also given you free will, even now. Will you choose to obey, even knowing you might not receive so much as mere consolation? Will you obey solely because you love your Master, and since He so loves this world of His, loves all the people He sends you to serve, then so will you?
You are an unprofitable servant. And yet, in your very obligation, you may come to share the Master's joy.
Timing the eggs today.
Siobhan did the dishes, telling us that when we're being timed OR waiting on timing-- the eggs & laundry respectively-- the Front is in a DIFFERENT SPACE??
It's NOT social; it's actually SUPER INTERNAL. It's laserpoint focus on the "time ahead" to the point of debilitating distraction in the present. It CANNOT interact socially as a result.
...
⭐Shirley, Sirius, and Penny TRUE JOBS MATCH THEIR NAMES!
Also Penny is "maturing"; she's "growing out of" her initial "infant" stage of root-likeness, when she resembled Razor a lot, because they're tied to the same chronological era?
⭐EVERYONE PRAYS DIFFERENTLY!! When people front, they FEEL the sentiments uniquely, to their color especially?? Anima Christi proved this unexpectedly and movingly.
Wondering about "color virtues" in light of this.
Violet is TRUTH?? Laurie's ESSENTIAL role!!
Evening =
Adoration!
Could not focus.
SEVERE PANIC setting in the darker & bluer it got.
Eased up a bit at home, alone & warm light, "smaller soundspace"??
BUT THE PANIC RETURNED and was DEBILITATING.
Got on the bike, put on liquid funk and BOOKED IT for 12m. INSTANT CURE.
Man we SERIOUSLY want to go back to being a gym rat, but I'm afraid that fast, strong, bright lifestyle would be in conflict with our quiet, slow, soft "cloistered life" now. Is a balance possible??? Because honestly the FORMER is true to "my soul." I'm still RED. I still have this FIRE in me that I keep dousing to be a "good Christian girl." But... God made me a spark? God knew I would have this disposition? My ENTIRE CHILDHOOD I was like this? Is it possible to be a "good Christian" and still be honestly entirely "ME"?
I want to be MYSELF for God, absolutely blazingly myself, hiding nothing & holding nothing back, giving all my fire to Him.
When did I become this? This frightened mouse of a person, a wet blanket that cries at the drop of a hat, not from sorrow but from terror. "I'm" watered-down and washed-out. What the fish happened to "me"?? This isn't a life, this isn't even a personality; how am I ever supposed to give THAT to God? I won't own it. That's dishonest. It's not my heart. My heart is still a thurible, full of fire and burning itself up for the Lord in joy. I don't know. I'm starting to slip away. I'm going dormant. That pinkish girl is taking over again, she uses flowery powdery language, not me. I apologize.
I'm a nervous wreck there's 8 minutes until Vespers what do I do until then??
Then I'm going back on the bike, before we totally pass out from anxiety. Chill out, it's only 6 minutes now. Don't be so terrified!
Dinner over an HOUR LATE haha. Our panicky brain CANNOT relax until Vespers is said. Hence our inability to get done earlier, especially when churches have evening events.
Seriously though we NEED TO DO ACTUAL NIGHTLY JOURNALING AGAIN. Not this overwhelming, scattered, perpetually unfinished datapasting for the sake of "piety."
We would probably actually grow so much more in our faith if we STOPPED just ctrl+v'ing everything to the point of never thinking about God on our own. If we do paste something, we need to talk about it RIGHT THEN. Hoarding religious text for the sake of "doing something with it later" is carelessly irreverent.
...
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VOTD = Psalm 23:6.
"Perhaps it may take a while to see the goodness God, but make no mistake, God is always good...even if your situation does not seem good, we follow a God Who Is always good. [So] trust Him today, that His Love and His Goodness will follow you, not only today, but very single day of your life."
Trust Him even in the pit, even in prison, even in oppression, etc. Like Joseph in the OT. It took YEARS for him to see God's goodness in his life, BUT he trusted the entire time he waited, KNOWING that God had promised him goodness, and it WOULD come, when God decided it was time. Until then, he trusted that God was working, everywhere, everyday, for that very goodness. You can't see who is following you until you turn around, but they are there! Likewise, we may only recognize God's constant lovingkindness in hindsight. But it has been following you the entire time. You have never been abandoned or forgotten. Even in the pit, God was with you, and not only that, He followed you there! He didn't "show up later." He goes with you always. That's how caring & devoted His "following you" is. It isn't passive or casual, it's active and involved. That's how dear you are to Him, that He will not leave you, even in the grave.That's love.
"At the end of Psalm 23, there is a promise for us. For those who follow God and listen to His guidance, the writer says that goodness and mercy will follow us."
Wait up, THAT COUNTS AS A PROMISE???
Gosh, I guess that does make sense-- the Psalms are inspired writings, typically prophetic, and the Holy Spirit is living and active in speaking to us through them NOW. Jesus says "Scripture cannot be broken," and "my words will never pass away," and Saint Paul says "all Scripture is God-breathed." SO, if Scripture says something "WILL" happen, even in the Psalms, it's still God's Word; it's still inspired by the Spirit; it's still Truth.
Man that seriously puts EVERYTHING on a whole new level. I honestly never caught the truly deep & sacred implications of "ALL Scripture is God's Word" before. No wonder I never understood what people meant when they did talk about "God's Promises"-- I didn't even know what to look for, let alone how to read them!
Honestly this is eye-opening, and heart-opening. Mimic and Chaos 0 will both be happy, haha-- especially because honestly we REALLY SHOULD RESTART OUR BIBLE PLAN. "We" started it during the E.D. and so NO ONE REMEMBERS IT. What little recall data we have is from traumaburn data. That's not right. God's Word deserves our wholehearted attention and devotion.
After we finish John we will have to do that. So GET CRACKIN' ON THAT COMMENTARY SON!!
"What does it mean that God's goodness and mercy will follow us? It doesn't mean that life will go according to our plans. It also doesn't mean life will be free of pain and problems... we will still have to walk through dark valleys in life. Here's what it does mean: God will always be with us. God will always be good to us. Life may not always be easy, but God promises to always Be Good... His goodness and mercy will never end, [and] it’s because of God's goodness and mercy that we will one day join Him in heaven to be with Him forever."
1) That initial distinction is important. Yes, we are being followed, but that doesn't mean we're leading the way!! There's a CONDITION attached to the following, even in the Psalm, and that is, so simply & starkly you could miss it, that "the LORD is my Shepherd." If He doesn't go ahead of you, then nothing of His goes behind you, either.
2) Pain, problems, darkness, low valleys, shadows and even death itself cannot stop the pursuit of God's Goodness.
3) God will always be good... TO us.
4) God's "always" isn't stopped by death, or even time itself. For God, "always" truly means forever.
5) WE CAN'T GET TO HEAVEN OTHERWISE.
"Lord, help me to dwell in the awareness of Your goodness and mercy each day. May I be a vessel of Your love to others. Open my eyes to recognize Your leading in every circumstance, and teach me to follow after You."
1) We CANNOT be "vessels of God's Love" UNLESS we are RECEPTIVE TO THAT LOVE, and we cannot receive it unless we are AWARE of it, and even then, awareness alone won't fill us up unless we DWELL in what we are aware of and open to receive! IT'S A WHOLE PROCESS.
