It's Saint Lucy's feast day, that means it's time for my
FAVORITE ART of her to haunt my thoughts all day, and now yours too!
Seriously though I
love that sculpture. That's a SAINT, so sacredly macabre. The horror is blessed. What you're looking at is no grotesque display of pain, but the result of a joyfully pious devotion so invincible that this very depiction is that of her
triumph over all tortures and evils. The girl is
smiling, you realize. She has no physical eyes, but by the very merit of their surrender, she now sees a blissful glory that no human sight could ever perceive.
So yeah. Saint Lucy, pray for us.
Today we had the car, and we might not tomorrow, so we went shopping after Adoration.
Our brain was NOT WORKING but at least WE were, all together-- Genesis and Laurie made sure we didn't do anything stupid. We were surprisingly self-aware despite the brainvoid feeling, with no Socials taking over. I think the prayers in the car helped a lot.
We got BEANS to try, for fiber, perhaps stupidly but we only got two cans. But that meant we had to get a can opener, haha.
Dollar Tree was PACKED like sardines. Shocked. Lines down the aisles. We decided to be patient and wait peacefully, trusting God. And then the idea hit us= we can use this time to plug the ENTIRE Saint Michael Chaplet into the T2S app, so we could have it running while we cooked, as we would have NO time to bike and say it today.
A VERY IMPORTANT NOTE= when we were in Wal-Mart, checking the bean cans for net carbs & fiber (the determining factor), we suddenly got BADLY TRIGGERED by the sight of a can of GARBANZO BEANS. This had NOT happened in the other stores because those cans were labeled as CHICKPEAS and had illustrated labels. This one had a photo of the actual beans and that different title. The point is... WE FORGOT ABOUT CNC. But our subconscious didn't!! This also explains WHY we've been "scared of black beans for no reason"; every time we saw them something in our head would go "no, they're bad and dangerous, don't touch them." We never knew why. WELL NOW WE REMEMBER.
Man I'll tell you our eating disorder gave us SO MUCH FALLOUT HELL to deal with now. At least it IS an aftermath, thanks be to GOD
Got home for noon, haha. Running late buddy!!
JOSÉ ACTUALLY SPOKE TO US IN THE HALL TODAY 🤩 He asked us if it was still cold outside, haha. He was wearing a solid green t-shirt and gold chain necklaces. God bless that man
BK prep was really nice today actually. I think it's because we were just surrendering our schedule to God. It gave us such peace.
Also THE CHAPLET WORKED PERFECTLY, thank God! It's MUCH easier to pray when we're LISTENING, I think because it BYPASSES the OCD panic over thought perfection, AND it "frees up" brainpower to MEDITATE on the prayers & mysteries, which we typically CAN'T do because we're so burnt out just THINKING WORDS.
Also wondering IS THERE A NOUSFONI FOR THIS??? Like the Friar, but techno. I put the "request" out, and almost instantly got a "confirmed potential" for a technomonk connected to the phone app, with that same voice, and named Felix (as the phone is Perpetua).
Adelaide keeps "bumping heads" with that ONE SOMAFONI GIRL who is vaguely manic??
Honestly we think Addie is actually going to NEED a Function shift to
survive.
Evening=
No matter how much we try to "get done early," by the time we finish all our daily chores and prayers, we only EVER have ONE HOUR of "free time" at the end of the day, in which we are now doing laptop work AT LONG LAST because without it we are literally souldead.
Still, we're exhausted. We need FAR MORE than one hour to do ANYTHING significant with the Archives-- and writing an entry typically takes TWO hours, MINIMUM. Xangas can take
five, haha. At least.
...that aches though. We miss that, talking late into the early morning, all of us alive and present in the heart together, flowing through these fingertips in realtime records of our existences.
Honestly I think we need to take time, every day now, to just read ONE entry from the old days. Just to remember, inbetween all the daily rush. We need to. God can't properly bring us into the future if we have forgotten our past, believe it or not. Everything ties together. We HAVE a history, spiritually AND physically. Completely disowning or depersonalizing or detaching from that doesn't mean it never happened, or that it didn't affect you OR the world you live in.
And we
all still exist. Even just as echoes. Even just as memories.
All of us are still lights in this heart.Spotify has given me a daylist of "aggressive elevator music wednesday evening" and I'm quite amused by this.
The only thing is, it's very "general." Nothing standout. I'm at track 24 and I've only liked two songs. I've only skipped about three. It's a cool audio aesthetic, I'm not complaining. And hey, anything more attention-grabbing would make it impossible to focus on work. So this works.
As for what I/we're doing tonight... we're biting the bullet and just uploading 2017 entries.
Yeah. It's been over five years. We need to heal. We can't do that without looking this stuff in the face, and seeing BOTH the bad and good CANDIDLY.
I'm not reading anything yet, at all. Which means I can't erase or censor anything. It also means I won't trigger anything prematurely. We're just being completely, recklessly honest and uploading it all.
THEN we can worry about reviewing it, AFTER the holidays, when we can get a new therapist, haha. It's inevitable. We were a MONSTER during the CNC time period. Coming to terms with our abusive demeanor is going to be very very difficult. But, that's why God gave us Mimic, dead serious. That octopus has, whether he realizes it or not, changed my heart to be more humble and honest about my own "villain arc," which left terrible scars on both myself and others, that may never be erased. But we need to learn to live with the fallout, and make sincere restitution for what we can, and genuinely change our lives so we never hurt anyone like that again. Repentance and metanoia. We're in it together. Chaos 0 too, actually, and Laurie, and even Genesis, although they aren't saying so outright. But we all have such devastating pasts, we're all so ashamed and horrified by what we've been. Funny how our resident not-a-squid jumpstarted such a huge era of healing in our heart. I'm very grateful. So we need to honor that as December rolls on, now that he's been here a full year.
All right, it's 1120 and Laurie is going to smash my head into this keyboard if I don't get some sleep so I'll see you kids later!
(sorry this entry is, as usual, vastly unfinished. we're overworking ourself. it's literally impossible to do as much as we are forcing ourself to do in terms of devotional reading and commentary. we NEED to cut down, because right now, this is spreading our soul so thin that we're unable to FOCUS and make solid consistent growth in any respect. a scattered faith is not honoring our Lord. we genuinely need to start
doing less, before we can
be more.)
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MDE =
"I understood these tears to be not of sadness but rather of purification."I'm wondering if this has
System relevance. Sadness is a
compartmentalized emotion, but have we ever really been aware of its
holy nuances before? Exploring this would be hugely beneficial and revelatory, I'm sure.
...
"Think of a person who has brought great joy to your life... anyone who just showed up in your life one day without your plotting or planning. Say a prayer of gratitude for them." My heart
immediately said, Jena. And I honestly teared up from the intensity of gratitude I felt, offering her name up in prayer, and imploring God to bless her to the utmost.
...man, January is going to actually be 15 YEARS since I "met" her. I need to type about that.
...
LBB =
"The words that Mary speaks in today’s passage are among the best known words in all the Gospels: “Behold, I am the handmaid of the Lord. May it be done to me according to your word.” These are words of total acceptance of God’s will. [Yet] Mary wasn’t saying, “This is wonderful. Of course, I'll do it.” Instead she was saying, ‘This isn’t what I had planned, and I’m not sure I understand, but I’ll do my best to do what the Lord wants.”
What is it like to say words to that effect on any given day? Or at the beginning of every day? Try it. God’s plan is always better than my own." 1) ACCEPTANCE ISN'T GLIB.
2) Even as pure & sinless as she was, even devoid of all selfishness, Mary's plan for her own life prior to this WASN'T GOD'S PLAN-- simply because SHE ISN'T GOD. She couldn't ever have predicted or expected or willed what she had just heard from the Angel! And that WASN'T SINFUL, because once she DID "know God's plan," she SURRENDERED EVERYTHING TO IT.
3) Even so, for the same reason of Divine Mystery, Mary DIDN'T understand this Plan-- but she TRUSTED GOD!!
4)
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Universalis today=
"When you are in your room, at night, think always on Christ, and wait for His coming at every moment... He enters by the open door; He has promised to come in, and He cannot deceive. Embrace Him, the one you have sought; turn to him, and be enlightened; hold him fast, ask him not to go in haste, beg him not to leave you. The Word of God moves swiftly; he is not won by the lukewarm, nor held fast by the negligent. Let your soul be attentive to his word; follow carefully the path God tells you to take, for he is swift in his passing... Do not imagine that you are displeasing to him despite having called him, asked him in, and opened the door to him; and that this is the reason why he has gone so quickly– no, for he allows us to be constantly tested... But even if it seems to you that he has left you, go out and seek him once more." 1) We actually
do this, a little? At night, we make a special effort with our night prayer routine to bring an awareness of God's Presence directly into our going to sleep.
...
2) I love that small but profound reminder that
Jesus doesn't sneak in a back door. He enters by the open front door. There is no secrecy, no deceit, nothing sneaky or sly about Him. He CANNOT deceive, just as He CANNOT lie.
But... I never realized that He
actually promised to come to us....
3) We must
respond to His arrival, and
ardently. ...
"Who but holy Church is to teach you how to hold Christ fast? Indeed, she has already taught you, if you only understood her words in Scripture.. How do we hold him fast? ...by the longing of the soul... seek Him and be fearless of suffering. It is often easier to find Him in the midst of bodily torments, in the very hands of persecutors... in a little space, after a brief moment, when you have escaped from the hands of your persecutors without yielding to the powers of this world, Christ will come to you, and He will not allow you to be tested for long." 1) ONLY the Church, the BRIDE of Christ, can teach you how to hold Him in love. The world can NEVER teach you this-- after all, the world is no bride, no spouse, no virgin.
2) Scripture IS the voice of the Church!!! Even all her traditions and customs must be rooted there, for it alone is the Truth of God, the very Words of her Bridegroom. But in His unity with her, she says nothing contrary to Him.
3) We "hold Him" by our soul's longing. What a beautiful paradox.
...And how terrifying a phrase for our traumatized self.
This was inevitable. Ambrose is quoting the Song of Songs here, which we have never read for tragically obvious reasons.
...
4)
5)
"Whoever seeks Christ in this way, and finds Him, can say: "I held Him fast, and I will not let Him go before I bring him into my mother’s house, into the room of her who conceived me." What is this “house,” this “room,” but the deep and secret places of your heart? Maintain this house, sweep out its secret recesses until it becomes immaculate and rises as a spiritual temple for a holy priesthood, firmly secured by Christ, the cornerstone, so that the Holy Spirit may dwell in it. Whoever seeks Christ in this way, whoever prays to Christ in this way, is not abandoned by Him; on the contrary, Christ comes again and again to visit such a person, for He is with us until the end of the world." 1) This is UNEXPECTEDLY MARIAN. The soul who finds Christ does not bring Him into "her own house," for she HAS NONE-- she is yet a virgin girl living with her MOTHER!!! We will not live "in Christ’s House" until we get to Heaven! UNTIL then, what house do we have? Only our hearts. And yet, who "OWNS" that house? OUR MOTHER. This is beautifully twofold. First, it's STILL the Church as mother, and therefore ALSO CHRIST even now-- for truly He alone owns what He created, and even further consecrated & claimed for Himself in loving covenant-- but it's ALSO MARY AS MOTHER, of both the Church AND CHRIST HIMSELF!!
But look further. Our mother is
the one who conceived us. That's such a powerful truth spiritually.
...
2) ...I just love how blatantly headspacey this is. Our "home" is literally the "deep and secret places of our heart," where God indeed dwells by grace of Baptism.
...
3) What must we do with our heart-home, then? Two things. We must:
+ MAINTAIN it. Keep it warm, do the repairs, furnish it properly, et cetera.
+ SWEEP all the dust away-- but not just the main rooms! You need to SPECIFICALLY FOCUS on cleaning out the SECRET RECESSES of your heart.
Now THAT is HEADSPACE.
But... who's got the broom? Who has the
floorplan for this place? Who is limber &
...
4) What's the ultimate goal here? The only thing fitting our Mother's House-- we must
make our heart like hers. It must be made IMMACULATE.
(Pure dwelling, Temple of God, living stone FOR priestly service remember)
...
5) This is ALL "so the HOLY SPIRIT
CAN DWELL" in our heart.
...
6) We must seek AND PRAY!
...
7) Christ VISITS.
(no abandon)
...
On the Gospel =
"In Judaism the ‘yoke’ often refers to the Law, a burden which must be borne, [so] it is tempting to see a contrast between the light yoke which Jesus offers and the heavy yoke of the exact and burdensome observance of the Law... except that obedience to the Law was always a joy, since the Law is a revelation of God’s Nature and of God’s Will for human beings, so that it is a joyful privilege to respond." 1) I am a Christian, so I can't speak for the experience of Jews and their Law, especially not in history-- but I do know that Jesus said He came to
fulfill the Law, protecting & perfecting every last letter of it, because it
IS GOD'S WILL & OF HIS NATURE. It is the special honor and blessed privilege of every Jew. And yet, they themselves call it a burden. Why? Again, I can't speak for them, but when I look at my own "struggle" to keep the commands of Christ, especially in a world that almost mandates the opposite... I can tell you that God is NOT the cause of the burden.
My own sinful nature is. No matter how much of a "burden" it may therefore make the Law of God to me, that same Law is NEVERTHELESS
ALWAYS PURE JOY. Why? Because it's INHERENTLY GOOD. It's literally directions from God! And when you love God, then following His directions-- no matter how complicated or difficult the application & enactment honestly may be-- is ALWAYS deeply & unshakably joyful at its heart. It truly is a privilege, to KNOW what God wants and to be able to strive for it, even to strain under it. It's either His Law or the world's anarchy, and I would much rather bear the heavy holy yoke of purpose & covenant than go running "free" in selfish whim, doomed to uselessness.
2) I actually really love reflecting on the Law of Scripture as "God's Will for mankind" AND as "a revelation of God's Nature." Both those truths are STAGGERING. We're just puny stupid weak mortal sinners!! And God Himself has CHOSEN FREELY to not just REVEAL these sacred Mysteries to us, but also to call us to COOPERATE IN THEM??? That's BEYOND COMPREHENSION. And yet it is ABSOLUTE FACT.
...
3) All this actually reminds me of the prayer Mimic and I say before each Bible study=
"O Lord Jesus Christ, open Thou the eyes of my heart, that I may hear Thy Word and understand and do Thy will... Hide not Thy commandments from me, but open mine eyes, that I may perceive the wonders of Thy Law. Speak unto me the hidden and secret things of Thy wisdom... enlighten my mind and understanding with the light of Thy knowledge, not only to cherish those things which are written, but to DO them..." etc.
Without divine enlightenment-- which we
cannot achieve on our own; it must be given by God Himself of His Own Will-- the Law will be "hidden" from us, even if we follow it? We won't "perceive its wonders", which are only seen with "the eyes of the heart," and can then be
understood-- but again, only by grace! For no one knows God BUT God, so without the Spirit
imparting that Knowledge to us through Love-- for God is Love, and so ALL Knowledge of Him MUST be of Love, by Love-- all divine things will remain "hidden and secret" to us, even incomprehensible. It's all
from God,
for God.
But I want to emphasize the conclusion. The end of all this enlightenment and knowledge and understanding is
to be able to cherish the Law, to see with your heart the hidden wonder of God Who Is Love within it, to
recognize it as His Wise and Good Will, and therefore
to do what that Law says with true and sincere and holy joy. All the grace is humbly petitioned for, and mercifully received, for that sole purpose-- loving obedience according to loving knowledge.
I hope that makes sense. My heart is so moved about it, it's very hard to put into words, especially on a phone keypad.
"In the Old Testament, personified Wisdom is always standing in her doorway to invite people to her banquet... and to take on her yoke. This fits also the address of the invitation of Jesus to the poor who "labour and are overburdened", for the invitation of Wisdom is addressed NOT to the learned but to those who are humble and open-minded. And Jesus Himself is the humble and unpretentious King, as He shows by entering Jerusalem on a donkey– no warlike steed... [a humble reign which began when] Jesus [was] born into an impoverished and homeless family among the cattle, and first greeted by simple shepherds. This is the heart of the invitation of Jesus: to put aside all worldly honour and standards and embrace His own more profound and more rewarding criteria." 1) Wisdom only invites the humble because the proud are too full of themselves; they don't trust anyone's table but their own.
But the analogy is fascinating. It's a free banquet, offered to those souls that humbly admit their hunger & weariness & inability to soothe either pain themselves... but there's a yoke to bear. Honestly, there ALWAYS is. And that's GOOD. Honest work is holy, sincere effort is a means of sanctification, the struggle for righteousness brings grace, etc. Wisdom is given without cost, her banquet is free, but from then on out you MUST bear her yoke-- and you must be willing to
lower your head and bend to receive it, through no boasted effort of yours. That's the exchange, that's the true banquet for your soul, for now you will be bound to her, carrying her "burden" of wealth alongside her. You have shared her meal, accepted her invitation-- now you work together to plow the paths you tread, preparing it for the planting that will yield even more fruit. This is an honor. What you have received without cost, you must give without cost-- but never by your own power. You are not the source of the seeds to be planted, nor are you the one sowing. You are simply shouldering the yoke, humbly yet indispensably... alongside humble & holy Wisdom herself.
The yoke is not a price, it's a privilege. She will be a source of endless wealth for you, if you are emptied enough of yourself to receive it, and you are willing to in turn become a fountain for that wealth to others on her behalf, for her sake, as she continues to invite all who will listen to her endlessly generous banquet.
2) Jesus, Who IS Wisdom, is the true & perfect Embodiment of ALL of that. He is ALWAYS inviting, always standing at the very doorway to Heaven, as it were. He
wants to feed us and shelter us. But He STILL wants us to WORK, hence the yoke. He isn't calling us to insolence or gluttony-- no matter how rich the banquet is! But the yoke is easy. Why? Because it is shared with Him-- with His unfailing Strength, and unconditional Love. His burden is light, but note it is still a "burden!" Jesus IS the Law. Jesus taught God's Will and EMBODIED God's Nature, and He constantly conflicted with the religious authorities because He didn't obsess over legalism & paperwork as it were. He revealed the "wonders" hidden in the Law, the core Truth behind every command. Obedience to the Law of God IS a joy, after all, when God is recognized & known &
cherished in it-- and Jesus purifies & perfects that Law by distilling the Letter down to LOVE. THAT makes it light, pun intended-- it makes it clearer and brighter than ever before, illuminating every shadow of confusion, chasing away all darkness of ignorance. No longer is it just a list of boxes to be checked. Jesus moves us from head to heart. He liberates us from the minutiae by yoking us to His infinite embrace. He calls us to carry the Crossbar on our shoulders.
3) If the KING is so astonishingly humble, then His subjects absolutely must imitate His example. That's obvious. But consider the examples!! Look at where His Power
truly lies-- invincible, yet invisible to worldly eyes!
...
4) Here's the wrapup. I need to grasp this together with the bit on the Law.
Jesus's invitation is for "the weary" to "take on His yoke" by "learning from Him"-- and in doing so, to finally be at rest
in their souls. This is the invitation of Wisdom to her banquet, an invitation only offered to the humble. Jesus's "yoke" IS that of Wisdom.
Here, Scripture says it far better than I can=
"This is what I say: It costs nothing to be wise. Put on the yoke, and be willing to learn. The opportunity is always near... No matter how much it costs you to get Wisdom, it will be well worth it." ...
(When you have a meek & humble heart, every weight is easier to carry)
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The last thought for today, from an article.
"With just a couple of handfuls of days left until Christmas, I will try to focus on [Jesus's] promise of rest. There are still many tasks to attend to, but those tasks are not the point. Instead, it is the promise of peace during this season of light."Remember this.
We were actually feeling
guilty today because we "weren't doing enough reading and devotion and special prayer" for the season. There are Christmas books we haven't opened yet, there are Bible study plans we haven't started, there are cards we haven't written and gifts we haven't bought, there are carols we haven't sung or performed, there are decorations we haven't put up... it snowballs, very fast.
None of it truly matters if we don't have the peace of the Christ Child.
THAT'S the endpoint of Advent. Christ is COMING TO US, in the past present and future, and we need to be ready for HIM. Not the holiday. For CHRIST HIMSELF.
And you'll only be ready if your heart is open to Him as the Prince of Peace.
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