the spectrum heart cathedral system

1214 SAT
Anxi is capable of a loop bypass = orange level plugin + heartstar connection
this is MONUMENTAL and totally unprecedented.
also a little frightening because apparently the "color-level" thing is still legit. not surprising (we're all about color) but it means we have to dig up a lot of scary history that we tried to shove under the rug as "nonsense." when will we learn that literally nothing up here is nonsense? it all matters, it all means something
in any case there is also so much relief and joy i could cry. this is BYPASS potential. anxi could literally do what every Core has dreamed of doing and was never able to, and that is evade the hackers. god if only infi were around to know this. ...maybe this is step one in allowing hir to come back. ze can't unless it's safe. this might just be the first real light on that horizon.
still. no idea if, or how, this would apply to others, as only anxi has the plugin capacity. but it's worth thinking about.

1215 SUN
our dragon phagophoni is STILL around eating breakfast. still positive, no trauma? thank God. also no name yet
Briefly tried talking to her; at one point someone asked about her appearance being like Spine & Wreckage? draconic. and she said "Spine is my SISTER" = both are strongly tied to the body in a direct sense??
Still no sign of Spine post-CNC though. Lynne still heartbroken over this of course. But we talked about this at TBHU-- there IS hope, just like there's hope for Infi, and several others who died back then. As we heal and remember, we will need them again, and be able to sustain them again. Remember it can and has taken years for foni to resurrect before. And yet they do come back. Just hold on to hope.

Homily at mass = ALL ABOUT HOPE go figure. no such thing as a coincidence
"FIND it" and "LIVE it" = determined "search it out in the darkness" because it IS always there
really love and identify with that statement-- that hope must be FOUGHT for. it isn't passive or timid or wishful thinking. it's a battle and it's courageous and it's committed and it doesn't give up. hope DECIDES to exist, paradoxically. it sees everything allegedly opposing it and it says, so what? hope has crazy power because it is anchored into faith, meaning that it transcends the apparent and locks in to something only the heart can rightly perceive-- that the heart trusts and knows despite everything. hope is mad strong. hope is uncrushable. hope is that "thing with feathers" that never ever stops singing. hope is the soul of every core in this System.

1216 MON
religious anxiety hitting hard. thinking of anxi in relation to this = "how is she trying to protect me?"
answer from someone faceless= "I'M SCARED OF 'LOVE'" (TRAUMA) (e.g. "the q thing") (also wow to THAT being the IMMEDIATE thought when they said they were scared. why was that incident SO TERRIFYING. did we write about it? it STILL haunts us)
btw we need to talk about how violently aroace we still are. emphasis on the violence. why are we so damn aggressive about this?? it's a kneejerk response but it's frighteningly brutal. i'm sure that's protective too; it's the only time the "fight" response kicks in unfailingly.
like, if we see something "romantic" while scrolling online someone will immediately flip them off and swear at them threateningly. "that's f*cking disgusting", "f*ck off or i'll k*ll you," etc. like legit DANGEROUS RAGE. "destroy it before it destroys us" seems to be the instinct. all the alarm bells go off at once and someone apparently just picks up a missile launcher to deal with it.

1217 TUE
"Gatekeeper" girl + "Commentary" girl both very loud & active this morning
Apparently Xenophon likes salty/ sweet/ "bitey" things as far as food goes. she very much dislikes soft foods.
^also HE "can't love Anxi?" this is upsetting but it makes sense because Jay is not straight at all and his vibe clashes with hers as well.

"Love is VULNERABLE, ACCESSIBLE, & AVAILABLE"

1218 WED
Our "food dragon" phagofoni's name is PHAEDRA (and yes she's a basic phago; not a trogo because she's not specific? it seems she can eat multiple things & be okay with it)
The "friar" thriskefoni's name is FRANCESCO (a rare non-traumatized one! he's in the BROWN huespace probably because he's so tied to the physical act of praying; browns are very tied to the body. however he doesn't seem to be a somafoni?? he feels like he might exist in midspace. we need a proper term for these folks). He is NOT on the same level as FEILIX?? who is our "AUDIO PRAYING" guy and who is actually faceless as of yet.

1220 FRI
KOINOFONI (SOCIALS) "DON'T BELIEVE IN HEAVEN" because they have NO EXPERIENCE OF LOVE
Gatekeeper girl protesting against fronters: "THAT'S NOT YOUR JOB"

Later, while eating = Jesus cross figure always falling over
Upset me, "It feels like the slightest little things will knock you right over"
Reply "That's the same thing that happens to you"
Why does it fall? Because it's "too heavy" for the foundation. but WHY? Because the CROSS is heavy.
Jesus said "I don't hate you for falling it just breaks my heart"