the spectrum heart cathedral system

 
disjointed entry. exhausted. still must update. so much happening.


let's start with the most important thing.
i had more dreams about CZ this morning.
well, not quite "dreams." they were the morning twilight sort of dreams in which i CAN exist, and feel emotions. not so at night when the socials tend to dream (still don't know why. maybe just stress.) no solid recall, just watercolor washes of memory. this amazingly ubiquitous peace within the depths of ardor. quiet yet fervent closeness. hearts on fire in the blue hours.
...it just hit me that if all this strange & sudden tenderness is legit, we'll uh... probably get a Christmas baby.
No idea which one of us will though. honestly things are weird
Also didn't someone PRAY for this??? Like before the hospitalization??? "God if you want this to happen then YOU make it happen at the right time", and then, this. What the heck God, and also pseudocores.
they keep pushing "marriage marriage we gotta be married to be a REAL CHRISTIAN™ and it is an ancient system truth that THAT guy is the ONLY ELIGIBLE CANDIDATE" etc etc. so they don't think twice about adultery, how hypocritical. sad how that seems to define all the hyperreligious 'foni up here. they talk up a faithstorm but there's never any rain.
so. obviously i am VERY conflicted and confused over this. firstly, because OBVIOUSLY some part of my heart IS capable of this???? and CAN do it WITH PURE MOTIVES???? which is such a blessing, don't get me wrong, but... I'm still ace. i'm still squicked out by the entire concept. what the heck is my subconscious doing, is this just inherited from past cores? and in any case, how do i handle this reality in general? how do i reconcile my sincere yearning for hyperpure virginity with the FACT that i have, with equal sincerity, given myself in marriage to this incarnated ocean. many times.
and secondly, i'm VERY upset because 50% of the time in dreams where this is the context, it's NOT ME. and those times are LOVELESS and DETACHED. not so with me obviously. i'm always there with him, completely. not so with the girls, EVER. with them it's "after the alleged fact" and it's ALWAYS OBJECTIFYING. this has never varied. but again, WHY DO THEY KEEP DRAGGING HIM INTO THIS.
hacks are different. they are never even vaguely loving, let alone consented to. hacks are violent, or manipulative, or coerced, or insincere, or animalistic, or all of that and worse. hacks are what cz shows up to SAVE us from, tearing us away from the assaulter, and holding us close as we fight for consciousness as our poor devastated body screams for it all to stop. but in those blue arms, we're safe. and I can start to come in, a mindset SEPARATE from the dream-- because it's NEVER ME-- so we can continue with life without wanting to die instantly and violently from the intolerable agony of what had just happened. i'm a different reality. so is he. so WHY ARE THOSE GIRLS TRYING TO BLUR THE LINES. this is what made 2015 the hell summer, this is why cnc was so horrific, i REFUSE to let that happen again.
i am very torn and confused and hurting and distressed over the whole situation. honestly, at my most visceral, "I" want to rage and sob. probably sharing that with someone, for the girls' sake, the things they refuse to feel. (dear lord WHO HOLDS THAT.) but for me personally... it's like... forgive me for saying, biblical jealousy. vengeant fidelity. you do not screw with this covenant without paying the price. i will not tolerate this kind of pretty-dress perversion, these lily-livered libertines. i'm legit furious with them, but on the other hand, i also pity them so much. they are totally blind. they're trying to be "good girls," the SAME damned motive that STARTED THE JULIE DAYS and that has perpetuated every instance of abuse since then. don't you ever think about touching my husband, i will break every one of your fingers in threes. well, not literally. but it's significant that the raw feeling can translate into that kind of language. you get the picture.
...and yet. there's the personal conflict, too. the body dysphoria vs the internal euphoria. who i am versus the physical shape we inhabit, kardifoni versus corpufoni. the eternal and tragic war.
But I still love him, I cannot deny that, or even pretend to shut it off. even if i would NEVER want or seek or do anything like this during conscious sane daylight hours. isn't that ironic and terrible. as dawn turns the sky pink and gold i apparently can feel such stunning depth and fire of devotion that it CAN express itself like THAT. even if only because of dreams that i do not have a say in beforehand. which is the ironic thing. i'd never choose to do this. or would i? lately i'm worried and wondering. honestly at this point i don't know. our "core beliefs" are so religiously saturated that even i feel like i don't have a choice in the end. it's disturbing. it's heartbreaking. it's breaking me in half because if THAT is the "ultimate end goal" of a "good christian relationship" then not only is it NOT inherently evil, as we have perpetually judged, but it is also CAPABLE of carrying love. and i STILL CANNOT RECONCILE the years of brutal abuse with these few-moment mornings of apparently marital intimacy. it's driving me up the wall, because i cannot deny that i DO love him THAT MUCH, if only in "theory." except that theory is being tested lately with confirming results. so... how do i come to terms with this?
mind you, i'm only this agitated because i care so much.  i do NOT want to do or say or think or feel anything that is morally wrong, or impure, or objectifying, or harmful to him. i love him, God knows I do, but I cannot accept these dreams while I still feel like every single thing even vaguely pertaining to sexuality is sheer evil.
in direct contrast to me, in every regard, the girls DON'T CARE. they don't care about him. they don't care about morals, even though they claim to. they only care about "fitting the bill." they only care about going through the motions so they can be "normal." they are mindless heartless dolls and now they are trying to make HIM into that too. hence the hacks. possibly also hence the pushing ME into this, despite my completely different foundation. regardless, with those girls, NO ONE IS CONSCIOUS in their distorted scenarios. it's just "do what you must." again, not so with me, ever. the difference is jarring and tangible in comparison.
i want this war to end, but now i'm scared because i don't know how. i want to just stop everything, or so i claim. shut it all down and off forever. but... i'm scared because the old jaycores didn't, and they COULD feel emotions, they DID have identities, they WERE able to be good fathers and partners and what the heck am I? i'm struggling every step of the way because "i'm not allowed to exist." "the body is the ultimate reality now." "you are too proud you deserve to die." all things i'm hearing lately. "you are not allowed to be a man." "you're not a real father." stabbing me in the heart. and i just think back to how, over a decade ago, we were living fulltime as BOTH those things and we had some of the most beautiful days of our entire life. ...or so i've been told. i don't remember a thing. but there are echoes of it, small proofs that survived the annihilations, tiny snippets of words and art and music on this computer, and they attest to a love so strong and total that it's almost improper to look at, intrusive and prying into something that should never be so casually observed. like it's too fervent, too close. "emotions are sinful," some girl voice chides. no wonder we're so numb. "you're disgusting." and these are the girls that "want a relationship with god." they don't even know the definition of the word. rueless, cheerless hypocrites. but that frightens me, too. why do you think we're all so scared of religion anymore? how the heck do you deal with a God that calls Himself "the bridegroom" when all the flashbulb memories you have of that word are just as scary as they are sacred? am i even allowed to be that word myself? 
...this is all so strange. despite all the turmoil surrounding the content, those 'dreams' happened. to me. and they weren't hacks. this is like the ideal of 2011 achieved without warning. it's what the cupid-core wanted to "fix" but couldn't because he was going at it from the angle those girls are using: obligation, expectation, performance, "what is supposed to happen." garbage. numb and plasticine. the girls only seeing him as a concept, as a tool even. only thinking about the role they are doomed to play, with their painted-on smiles and hollow lives. i'm sorry if i sound bitter, i'm not. i'm hurting. this is painful.
i don't think i'm capable of typing any more about this right now. still. it will inevitably be revisited.


spiritual + mental health meeting at the cathedral today. no, not us, haha. (we do that every day)
they waited until the end of the 90m meeting to let us introduce ourselves, as we were brand new, so we had to give a very brief "how has your week been" monologue that touched on the religious terror, increasing flashbacks, emotional burnout, and suffocating family stress.
best part though? we had like THREE DIFFERENT PEOPLE ask "who's 'us?' who's 'we??' DO YOU MEAN THE 'ROYAL WE'???" and we just laughed, dude no, we said when we walked in that we had dissociative identity disorder. we are LITERALLY a "we." not sure how that's gonna fly with the group but hey. at least we were being honest. and in a RELIGIOUS context, too. we NEED this.
can't go to the next meeting though, it's on holy saturday. schedule won't allow. but there's another at the end of april. so we'll see.
a note: we were a NERVOUS WRECK from driving into a city, parking in a back lot, hearing doors open and shut upstairs, etc. absolutely on edge. wreckage actually moved into baseline fronting TWICE. not totally-- she cannot do that in a social context unless we are in CRISIS and the "frontblock" is overridden-- but enough for us to feel the switch and HAVE MEMORY OF IT. that's always the tell for a legit switch: we remember it. social mode only records memory if 1. there is a threat that requires system assistance or 2. there is a positive thing that requires system attestation.
so wreckage was out, twice. once for footsteps, once for a door slam. tensed the body like steel, not from anxiety but from preparing to defend. very solid vibe. dead still, listening, waiting, ready to act. only a few seconds, but she was there. felt the gold, felt her claws, her teeth. the weight of her voice ready in our mouth.

cannot remember driving home. remember the first second of sitting down in the car, for that one literal second someone sobbed from sheer terrified relief, we made it, we survived, we weren't attacked and raped and killed in the back alley. that's what female-coded socialization will do to you, plus our disturbingly fear-based upbringing. literally told as a kid that everyone was potentially out to rape or murder us. that does stuff to a kid's brain yo

Breakfast is a total blur due to the lingering overwhelm.
i remember at one point, trying to wipe up a tiny egg spill on the stove, and due to dissociation making spatial comprehension very skewed, ended up reaching into the coil and set the paper towel on fire. nice job! few seconds of smoke, brain shut off, thank god laurie jumped into headspace to shout at us and i think i shook it out? but yeah. shaking like a birch tree in a thunderstorm. opened all the windows and even put a floor fan on. scared to death of the fire alarm going off; too many flashbacks from the past. that's some trivia: fire alarms and kitchen smoke are, shockingly, two of our BIGGEST panic triggers. we will collapse in a shivering frenetic heap from them. they feel like instant immediate death threats. abuse threats put us into "frozen deer" mode; we fawn and freeze at the same time. emotions turn off, memory turns off, programming kicks in, play your part and hope to God it's over fast. fleeing doesn't work. fighting doesn't work. but with the freaking fire alarm you can't do ANYTHING. you are at the mercilessness of a screaming flashing siren telling you that YOU MESSED UP BIG TIME and now EVERYTHING YOU LOVE WILL BURN. 
it's hellterror, really, encapsulated in an awful plastic cap on the ceiling. praise the lord that the ones here are weirdly "quiet." we can't even remember what they sound like. that's proof of the trigger. all we know is that flashing light. THAT is so scary it can shut us down entirely, though. hence why we tend to "sleep through" the alarms, or "wait to die." our brain just clicks off. the panic is too intense. it flips over into false apathy, unable to cope.
but yeah THANK GOD the alarm did not go off, due to the quick ventilation boost.
it still took forever to calm down. couldn't stop shaking. couldn't breathe. wanted to wail like a child.

Emma & Nia made up; emma was ANGRY at nia because "she stole my job"??? because emma decided she is the one who measures out the carrots, and if nia "helps" or-- god forbid-- wants to eat one ("her candy", remember she said), emma gets SO MAD. actual childhood hatred feeling. disturbing to pick up on. how is our global psyche capable of that??? it's genuinely existentially terrifying.
anyhow. the "mother voice" stepped in to explain things somehow. said nia was helping, not stealing. pointed out that there was no ill will, encouraged cooperation and sharing. "she just wants to share her happiness with you" etc. emma seeing it as intrusion and loss of identity. so strange. nia just upset that "her sister didn't like her"
Socials are disturbing. a large part of our psyche (who???) is in frustrated exhausted tears over this, wanting to SHUT DOWN the social level??? so it's ONLY nousfoni around??? makes sense; the "level shifting" IS a minor trauma to the consciousness, like a whiplash over and over. literally hurts, makes our head spin.
for the record that "mother voice" IS DEFINITELY NOT LYNNE.
lynne starting to have more existential panic of her own, realizing how much of her "personality" is being INFLICTED on her by unassigned social function orders. we're becoming more aware of this phenomenon and it is TARGETING HER at the risk of exaggeration. she's just the ONLY nousfoni around that CAN "play that part" when the programming kicks in and demands to be acted upon. but WHY THE PROGRAMMING AT ALL??? is it manic-jewel overflow??? it FEELS like it. geez.
it's still complicated. but it's not tangled. we're understanding more and more every day.


Mom called the INSTANT we sat down. we wanted to throw the phone. this happens disturbingly often; we apparently time our meals at the same time she gets a break at work. but it throws off our mental space CATASTROPHICALLY. and we were already reeling.
anyway, she called to tell us that "Astra hasn't moved yet BECAUSE WE'RE HOLDING THEM UP"???
apparently mom has them selling random stuff on ebay, and she won't let astra move without someone taking over the account? and it's fallen on my head. so, we figured let's at least be reliable and see what's up. can't just say "no," that's disrespectful and cowardly, plus mom won't accept that for an answer anyway.
hung up. wanted to vomit.
cannot remember how we pulled ourself together. i think we had to get up and walk around or do something heavily dissociative to cause a soft-reset. but we were a mess. asking God WHY ALL THIS IN ONE DAY

Laurie & Mimic talking about faith during bible study
forget the actual dialogue. but i remember how invested laurie was in it; faith(fulness) is oddly one of her intrinsic virtues. mimic mulling over all this data as usual. still some devil's-advocate comments (he wouldn't be himself if he didn't) but not any cynical shut-downs like he used to toss at the beginning. he's trying, so am i, to be better. admits how frustrating the process is sometimes, how hard it is to really grasp this stuff, especially faith. still battling mindsets of "cowardice" and "easy way out" and the like... being gullible, priggish, schmaltzy... the loathing of possibly becoming a vapid & saccharine "goody two-shoes" by picking up on religion. i think that's why he sticks around laurie and i-- she's the "holy knight" swinging an axe on the way to church, whereas I'm the snow-haired sparkle-eyed ex-convict. the pretty boy with an ugly history. and honestly... it's just as shocking to me that i "own" that, now-- ALL the past-core failures and flaws-- as part of MY history. previously new cores would disown all that. "i'm faultless! that wasn't me!" well yeah, it wasn't "me" either, but that's in our bloodline, and it's in the system, and if i still hold White as a hearthue then God knows I have to resonate with every single other color. if i want to be the cor(e) then i have to hold our ENTIRE heart. there's a reason why a true "leukofoni" will ALWAYS hold red at their heart. you can't be a cor without cruor.
did i mention mimic's name is quietly changing? it's getting harder to call him "mimic." deep down that foundational shift into our soulspace has begun which honestly i am so grateful for.


went to mass. mom was up the choir singing again. so we shut down. still have NO IDEA why the sound of her singing in that throaty voice SCARES US TO DEATH and triggers the violent screaming girls. they're "almost-protectors"; they assumedly existed in the distant past to "keep us safe" from dangers, by fighting like wild animals until we were free and safe. but why in response to the voice? like the fire alarms, it is one of our WORST TRIGGERS, except instead of causing panic it causes fear so intense it turns into BLIND VIOLENCE. i do not understand. and we can't even think about the situations because even a THOUGHT will trigger the response, usually with that same almost-protector girl spitting bullets and trying to claw our eyes out in trapped hysteric rage.

afterwards, went up family house to do this ebay thing with astra.
tried to play the piano for a bit. shocked at how rusty both our fingers and brain were. coming to hard terms with the fact that we were never as "advanced" as our mother insisted we were; our skill level is blatantly childish. humbly accepting this. realizing with our worsening health and age we will never "be a professional" as our family STILL EXPECTS US TO BE. feeling that still held by some social-rooted 'foni.
astra showed us the ebay account. would be simple IF it didn't require literal hours of research to find out what the heck mom is selling; it's all junk from the basement. some of it will cost a hefty sum to ship.
whole time cats are running around. mom is talking fast nonstop about remodeling plans that she literally changes mid-sentence and will probably shoot down tomorrow. hurts our heart to see her like this actually. her whole life she just... refuses to commit to anything. always afraid there's "a better option that she'll miss" so she just throws herself out to a hundred things at once, and ends up fragmented and overwrought and miserable. she makes extravagant plans, then cancels them, then makes more, then tears them to shreds, then cries about her empty future and regretted past. she honestly breaks our heart. we don't know what to do.
but.
i'll tell you one other terrible thing.
WE CANNOT BE GOING UP THAT BLOODY FREAKING HOUSE
i kid you not the place is STILL a trauma dungeon. nevermind that it's literally not even recognizable as a house anymore. there is so much garbage strewn throughout the house, on couches and tables, over floors and spilling over countertops, there's barely any room to walk, and good luck finding a place to sit. the place should be condemned. it literally is not a habitable zone at this point. it's ghastly. it's also full of cat hair and bizarre smells that set off our dyspnea wheezing and it's so dark. never much light. just that buzzing yellow. filth everywhere. it feels like a prison instead of a house, despite the painted walls and wood floors. it's a place of nightmares.
we had a meltdown on the way home.
someone was out SCREAMING from sheer overwhelm and actual rage. they felt SO TRAPPED AND BEATEN UP by being there??? cat hair and cat spit all over, no place to walk, given constant orders with no option to say no, loss of identity, NO EXITS, NO SENSE OF LIFE. absolute meltdown. someone else beneath that wanting to scream-cry but the body-block kept shutting them down. crying is still 1000% forbidden. not sure why. it feels "dirty ugly wrong slutty" and God only knows where that came from. "THE MOTHER" a familiar voice seethes from the back.
...geez. we really do need to get back into therapy. it is DISTURBING just HOW MUCH of our WORST TRIGGERS are DIRECTLY RELATED TO THE MOTHER. there is a ghastly amount of DISGUST, NAUSEA, RAGE, VIOLENCE, FEAR, SHAME, DESPAIR, & HORROR tied to her physical existence. and yet we don't hate her. she just makes us feel like we want to die. and i have no bloody idea why.

cannot remember the rest of the evening.
laurie says there might have been a minor purge due to stress. i know we waited a full hour to eat because we were so distraught we couldn't even drink water without wanting to puke.
even so. nothing major. God only knows how we settled down, if we did, but it happened.
oh yeah! forgot to mention! being up the house DID trigger our dyspnea so we could not breathe until we went to bed, which i think was actually like 11pm because were were so crushed and exhausted and despairing from the avalanche of a day.
yes i'm writing this after the fact. we didn't even turn on the computer on saturday; we were too wrecked.

even so. went to bed, gave up on breathing, just put it all in God's hands and lay there. surprisingly got us calm enough to fall asleep within a half hour.
no bad dreams. don't remember anything from this night really. still, a lack of nightmares is a blessing enough.

last thing. collapsed in bed and got the jesus voice nudging us. "you didn't kiss him goodnight!"
we looked at chaos.
wait so you want us to kiss him? we wondered, disbelieving, worn down to the threads. like that's allowed? that's even approved of? it's not wrong?
got a reply along the lines of "why would i ever want you to abandon love" "don't close your heart" etc. basically "you're not doing anything holy by refusing to reciprocate that kind of fidelity... or by lying about how mutual it is."
still lingering feelings of guilt for loving anyone at all, ("besides god" those girlvoices say, with hollow ribcages) let alone that creature in my arms.
but i was tired of letting those condemnations have the final say. they don't have the right.
it's... becoming easier to let go, to just fall into love again. even for just a moment. the snow melting from around my heart.

gotta hold on to these moments.

Whoa. Talk about having a lot happen at once.

When 2012 began, I knew it was going to be big. I just didn't know how.

January (the 1st was TRIPLE connections. MAJOR focus on Chaos and I this month. Big creativity spike, oneword/ DW history/ Hokthai movies/ drawing again especially. First steps in finally fixing the pink level. then a horrible meltdown on the 17th, lingered for over a week. 25th tried to 'amend' that. that night i started 'talking' to god. last few days were STILL trying desperately to fix the pink level with Chaos, overcoming second-guessing now)

February (the 1st was the GOLD connection. next week or so was pink catharsis. starting to 'disconnect' from downstairs life. on the 10th we found the blood lotus cathedral. horrible 2am hack on the 13th. )

March (lent! forced downstairs focus, especially with schoolwork overwhelming me. food problems all this month. also 'away from home' almost all month, took a huge emotional toll on me. major spiritual focus.)

April (holy saturday night was the high point. major focus on spiritual growth, also tons of reading! ISLAND. computer crash forcing me to let go of things. triple 'projection hack' on the 15th, fallout for two weeks! the 19th orange revelation changed everything, helped me heal. started typing on the 98, HUGE progress. expo on the 28th.)

May (lots of dreams this month. 8th was with celebi, FINALLY healed the fallout from april 15th!! amazing meditation on the 9th. started letting go of more things. then expo on the 19th! creativity boost from january came back as well.)

Now we are entering June, the halfway point of the year, and the focus in my life seems to have again switched accordingly.
(now sudden 'worry' focus? food and school and jobs again. old 'fears' i haven't dealt with thanks to inner focus, do it son!)


(continue!)


I am oddly tired though. I want to sleep, and dream, for as long as possible.

 

 

So about those finals...
They went surprisingly well, don't worry! So that's done and over with but I apparently had some bad burnout from all the stress leading up to it, as I was sick yesterday and woke up today feeling more achy and exhausted than I have in weeks.
Ah well. It's over with now, or at least until the spring semester starts on January 17th.

In the meantime I have a lot to do.
My schedule for today has been booked solid. I've had about an hour of free time so far and unfortunately my mind got badly distracted during it. It's frightening when that happens. I found some beautiful music, sure, but why does it start to wander whenever I'm faced with a heavy responsibility? It's hard to catch and reel back in, because I'm still shackled to it whether I like it or not. It's not 'angry,' it's just scared and very rebellious. I feel that I want, need, to do things and it says 'no,' stubbornly and without reason. It complains and sulks and yet it's somehow strongly fearful deep under the surface. I don't like that it's dragging me down. I want to ignore it but that's another bad move. At least I can realize that. I'm not as in-tune with myself as I need to be, but I'm getting better. I had someone verbally attack me today but I was somehow able to stay rather conscious, and didn't attack them in return. It hurt, but I kept everything in check as best I could.
I borrowed "The Nature Of Reality" from the local library about three weeks back. What with finals, I wasn't able to read much of it, but I definitely need to get myself a copy of it soon. The little I already read has helped quite a lot. I still have a small amount to finish in TPON, and I have two other books set aside for right after I complete it, but I can't forget about this one either.
Back on topic, though. I'm still very out-of-tune and I'm figuring out why, slowly. Paradoxically, I'm in a good state and a very bad one at the same time. I have to go beyond that. I have to open my eyes a little more... well, more than a little, at this point.

My biggest concerns right now are these:
1. I'm still ignoring, downplaying, faking, and/or criticizing my own emotions. When I'm upset I deny it. When I'm sad I hide it. When I'm happy I blow it out of proportion or condemn it. And I keep either pushing my own feelings under the surface whenever those of others come up, or completely ignoring both theirs and mine and turning into a coldhearted machine. Some part of me has become too complacent, too nonchalant... too apathetic, too empty. Even so I am still clearly aware that said part is not me, so I'm consciously trying to overcome it. It's unsettlingly difficult though. I... it was a few weeks ago already, but there was one night after a severe hack that I was absolutely torn apart emotionally, but I shut off. I was in pain to the point where I wanted to scream and even cry, but I was silent and stone-faced and I said nothing... and once again, I forgot that Chaos Zero is an empath. He picked up on what I refused to show, and ended up sobbing uncontrollably for the next hour. I was sitting next to him with a blank expression and a shattered heart, knowing that I was fully responsible but at a loss as to how to stop it, what with how hollow I somehow was despite the intense emotional pain he was reflecting back to me. Eventually it broke through my armor, true, but the situation as a whole scared us all to death. Still, in a painful way I think we needed that to happen to realize that this is a serious problem. Ironically, we also have the second concern to worry about on top of it.

2. My pain addiction came back from where I had also pushed it aside. I was upset enough to even ask Julie and Dagger about it the other day-- yeah, I know, usually I run to Laurie but I figured they'd have interesting viewpoints-- and it did help, but it also confirmed that yes, the lingering shadow up here is still running rampant. It's not my 'splinter,' though. It's not manic or hysterical or suicidal. Those feelings have been hitting me in bursts here and there, which is deeply disturbing, but I refuse to let them affect me. Regardless, the shadow is there... and I know I can't get rid of that outright, although I used to think I could. We all have some dark to balance the light in this world, I guess. The problem is, I somehow keep forgetting that 'balancing it against you' and 'letting it desecrate you' are two totally different things. I still have that old idea that "the more I suffer and the more staunch I am about it, the stronger I am." I'm putting myself through hell right now and not saying a word (or, suffocating it in rainbows and sunshine to make it sound like a 'good' thing,' in emotional refusal) because I have this twisted notion that biting the bullet will make me a better man. This ties into the first problem, obviously, and it's getting bad. It's not the worst problem though, but I'll list number three before I get to that one.

3. I've realized that I seem to like the idea of things more than I like the actual things. This hit me hard when my Homestuck book came in the mail-- yes, I was glad to have it because I am deeply inspired by the comic and I like having a physical copy to peruse at leisure, but on the purchase level it felt completely useless. I love the comic, so I 'bought' the book as a gesture of appreciation, and for that reason alone. I simply wanted to say, 'thank you for creating such a beautiful thing.' If I never received the book, I don't think I would have cared. Or, if I received it and then promptly gave it back, or away, I would still be happy. I just don't like owning things, or having things in my 'possession' whatsoever. When I was younger I collected Celebi items and Care Bears, true, but it was because I loved the idea of them. I loved what they represented, what they brought into my life. If I saw a beautiful Celebi card online, I would stare at it and admire it and I would want to show how much I liked it. So, as I knew no other way to do so, I would buy it. And then when it came in the mail, it would feel so awkward and weird, and I would put the card away and never look at it again. The 'magic,' the feeling of gratitude, would be lost once it was 'mine.' It's hard to explain, but that concept explains a lot of what I do, including how I deal with relationships. I don't 'commit' to only one person, and I don't like people 'committing' to only me in the same way. The exclusivity feels totally wrong. I'll love people from afar and it will be perfect, but as soon as they start trying to get closer or intimate or the like, it freaks me out and I often shove them out of my life in an instinctual reaction. I apologize for that, but it has happened several times already. It's not just because of my aversion to 'romance' (whatever that really is), it's also because of the thought that suddenly this free 'idea' of a person will become something solid and attached. It's why I have troubles keeping friends. I like first 'making friends' because you have that initial impression, that wonderful spark of a person, but once they become your 'friend' for good, it feels like a burden, a weight. It feels like now they have been labeled and stuck into a box-- 'my friend,' instead of 'that person I don't know but I really love them as people.' I think it's why I never stopped loving Alex or Jena. They stayed far away, they stayed their own people, they stayed free and unbound to me. And it gave me the freedom to love them without feeling trapped. I still don't know why that transition from distant beauty to close stranger happens, or why exclusive or 'possessive' connections to people or things put me off so badly. And that's where I segue into the biggest concern.

4. Chaos and I haven't connected in months. Maybe it sounds like no big deal at first-- we didn't really connect for several years after 2005 happened, after all-- but now, with everything that has happened this year, it is a huge deal. I have been in shocking emotional pain from it, not in a 'negative' or 'wanting' way (heavens no), but in the sense that I feel like I'm missing something that I seriously need. Which is obviously the case. However, with the stress I've been under, the immense effort I've been putting into improving myself spiritually, and the fact that I am regularly so exhausted that I can barely spend ten minutes with Chaos once the day is out (and even then I can barely reach him), I just haven't been able to get that. We've tried, but the circumstances haven't been working. And it's caused all my other problems. One: I know that I can't be with him at the moment so I'm ignoring that, denying the fact that I do want to be with him, and, sometimes, telling myself that I'm 'ridiculous' for feeling that love at all. Where the heck did that come from? Two: Total soul connections really hurt, but in a positive way. I'm unconsciously looking for whatever pain I can get to replicate that, but it always falls either drastically short or in a vastly different way. I'm literally harming myself right now and I'm aware of that, but it is so hard to fight off. Three: I'm getting my 'ideas' mixed up. I am still so naive that I see my own childlike ideals reflected in everything, and fail to notice that it's only a projection (another thing I have to quit doing). As a result this has been making problem number 2 absolutely hellish, because I've been seeing redemptive qualities in terribly harmful things, when in fact those qualities were never there to begin with. I use terms and phrases and quotes that mean the exact opposite of what I'm trying to express, but I don't even realize that because I see something totally different in how they apply to me. I redefine them and forget to tell everyone else, and then I'm surprised when I find myself walking down the wrong road, because I misinterpreted the signposts. Maybe I have too much hope. But my heart is aching for that blue alien and the thought that that could be labeled 'possessive' by some stretch of the definition terrifies me. I just want to love him is all. I don't want him to be 'mine,' ever, not like that. But is it even a moral issue? If I want to love him forever but don't want to possess him in any sense, is that a paradox? I don't know. And that is holding me back from making the extra effort to be with him even now. I'm suffering, he's suffering, we're all feeling the side effects of this disconnect... and yet I don't want to mess up. There's a lot more to this concern (and the third one) that I've not mentioned here, simply because it scares me and I can't really understand it myself yet. My schedule is too booked for a Xanga session today and maybe even tomorrow, but if I have a free Sunday then we are talking, because this is shaking me up badly.

5. ...I'm worried about Xenophon. She's okay, but... she is really, really worried about me. She was riding in the car with me yesterday as I went to mail some packages, and she told me that Metropolis (which we all watched on Monday night) made her think of not only herself, but also of me. Long story short, she had two thoughts that were haunting her: one, I was still asking "who am I?" even when I knew the truth, simply because everyone else was telling me different stories, which scared her, and two: sometimes she asks herself the same question. She told me that when she ghosts, and she realizes that only I can see and hear her, it frightens her sometimes and makes her wonder if she's really there at all. I reassured her, repeatedly, that she was, but she's still very upset by it. I'm not too sure what to do about that (other than everything I possibly can), but it's really hurting my heart to know that she's feeling like this.
Luckily for her I'm going to see the local Philharmonic perform tonight, so she gets to hear that music and see the city all lit up and everything else that goes with it. I want to show her everything. I want her to experience as much beauty and love as she possibly can. Her appearance in my life made me suddenly realize how beautiful and amazing life is, no matter what, and I want to share all of that with her.
However I think I have to fix myself first. She insists I'm a great father, but I still have demons to battle, and even if she can only see their shadows clawing at me that's more than enough motivation for me to chase them away for good. I don't want to hurt her, especially not unintentionally. That always seems to be the start of everything.


...There's one wild card in this equation that has me completely confused, uncertain, and terrified.
I've been able to see and feel Chaos more clearly than ever lately, but this only started happening after I was certain I'd damaged him irreparably.
...I didn't.
I let my pain addiction and false misguided hopeful ideas get the best of me, but there was one moment where both of us were actually conscious and I was completely honest and now I can't tell if I won or lost or even what I was even doing in the first place. All I know is that there was an entirely positive result from something I judged as entirely negative, and I can't see straight anymore.
This is the equivalent of my personal moral perspective being flipped upside down and then thrown across the room.
There's one quote that's haunting me. "It can be enlightened... or not." It's so simple but I'm trying so damn hard I can't remember what it means. Why am I still painting everything in black and white? Doesn't that still apply here? Or am I mistaken? Where in the world did I even get the criteria to judge this by? I don't know. I honestly do not know what to think, because I have seen and felt some absolutely horrible things concerning this topic and my mind is still in paralyzed static from last Thursday and that isn't helping me cope at all.
I'm a mess and I don't know what to do, and it's even worse because he didn't get lost at all and that is the scariest part of this to me.
He was beautiful, but when he tried to bring me in it felt so terrifyingly wrong that I wanted to shut down right that instant. There was nothing wrong with him, at all, even in the same situation. But me... with me it was disastrous, abominable, malignant. Why in the world is there such a dichotomy between us there? Didn't we fix this? Or was I so focused on him, on the unfailing light I saw in him, that I forgot about myself and the shadows that somehow always follow? Why is that, every time we swear that this is fixed, suddenly another side reveals itself and then we have to fight this war all over again?
Oh wait. No. I get it now.
Chaos was blameless because he only held the idea. I was the damned one because I gave my hope to him and took on all the extraneous things. Good intentions are the path to hell, but what the hell was I even trying to do? I'd lay my life down for him but ironically this is going too far. Isn't it? I didn't do anything I'd judge as blameworthy in others. Why is it so horrific when it's applied to me, if all I wanted was to give him what I would never take myself, and allowed only him to have?
Either I'm wrong or he's wrong or we're both wrong, and I'm seriously thinking it's the first one and I don't know how to deal with that. Not with what I've been through.

I don't know what to do about this.
Genesis wants to spend time with me tonight because I swear to you, I am spending all of next Friday with Chaos no matter what it costs me. But... I'm more fragile than I want to admit. Yeah, I like being 'vulnerable' and honest and open, but only when I'm alone. As soon as you bring someone else into the picture, I shatter. Or least that's what I'm doing now.
Maybe it's because of that wild card. I thought about being with Chaos today, for barely five seconds, and I nearly started sobbing because I felt so overwhelmingly sensitive it was almost impossible to handle. It felt like my heart was broken, but only because it was on the verge of shattering anyway and he was the only person who had dared to reach out and touch it. And normally I don't mind that. I don't mind how positively defenseless he makes me feel. Now, though... now that wild card has made me so emotionally raw that I can't even bear the thought. I love him and I am honestly scared to be with him right now because I don't understand that side of myself anymore, and I know that I can't hide a damn thing around him. I'll suddenly want to give him my heart and soul and then nothing makes sense anymore and I'm afraid of how far I'd go to do that right now.
I can't even fix this by talking to him. I know, I've tried, and this has finally gone beyond my capacity to discuss with him.
Laurie tried helping me with this before, but that was when it was still simple and we were still blind to the details. Now I can't even comprehend it and it's driving me absolutely mad, because "what if I'm wrong" and "what if I'm right" and "didn't I already know the answer to this" and "even if I do have the answer what if it's not the whole picture" and I cannot deal with this anymore.
I can't solve this from the same position that started the problem, but I'm afraid that if I change my footing then I'll get irredeemably lost.
Everyone I ask gives me the answer that everything inside me screams "no" to. Some almost convince me to change my mind, but then they go and do or say something that reminds me of the static or the tar and I'm left paralyzed. There's too much of a split here. I cannot reconcile this issue.
I cannot come to a conclusion here, not when one side is sheer agony and the other side is him.

Nothing makes sense right now.

 

 

 

 

 
 

 

SESSION PARTICIPANTS
LAURIE UBERICH JEWEL LIGHTRAYE CHAOS ZERO




All right, that's it, we're talking.

...

...Am I allowed in here?

You're not allowed to not be in here, for love's actual sake.

I just... I am so sorry.

Kid, it was NOT your fault. NEITHER of you are at fault, there isn't even a fault to give! Just calm the heck down!

I can't calm down, Laurie, I am so afraid I've corrupted this.

Jewel, don't fall apart on us again. Please.

I am shaking, Laurie. I am having a full-out panic attack. I can't just stop this.

Listen, Jewel. I'm talking to Mel about this right now.

You're talking to Mel?? Why?

Because they might have some bloody insight into this, considering they're the person who indirectly triggered this whole emotional meltdown on your part!

I don't know. I don't know. They have a completely different viewpoint on this.

Yeah, and if I understand it, I might be able to get you to stop having a bleeding existential crisis about it.

...

You too, I guess.

I'm more worried about him. I'm just... I'm only in this because of him.

No, you're both in this because of each other, and that's what this trouble is about. Give me a few bloody minutes, okay? And Jewel, I really do need that password of yours.

She won't get it, Laurie. She'll read that and she won't get it and I'll hurt her again.

Kid, how do you even know that? For all we know it could seriously help her out!

I don't want to risk anything else today.

Come on, Jewel. I'm giving Mel the password.

Laurie, don't.

What's this password for now?

Jewel's private Tumblr. He's been writing a relevant post on there about Sunday, which we also need to discuss today.

Oh God, I am so sorry. I am so sorry...

For the love of-- there is NOTHING to apologize for!!

Yes there is, Laurie, do you know what I might have just done?

No, but I know what you DID do, and if you think that's wrong then you are seriously bleeding misled.

...

I'll be right back.

...

...Jewel, if it helps, this doesn't change anything.

Yes it does. For me it does.

How?

...Should we have done that?

...Well, you said you wanted to keep Julie from... from corrupting that for you.

She's corrupted it enough already. I wanted to somehow take that aspect away from her, permanently.

Isn't that what we did?

I guess. I don't know. I can't forget what she did to me.

Jewel, she had nothing to--

I know. That nothing to do with her whatsoever. You made sure, I made sure.

Then what's hurting you so badly about it?

...I'm afraid that I've brought myself down to her level by doing that.

Hey, I have good news and bad news.

Did Mel read the... the notes and things?

No, haven't had the opportunity to give it to them yet. They're actually in the process of explaining the Mormon beliefs of marriage to me.

What're they saying?

Well, uh, according to their beliefs, you two wouldn't be a 'spousal' couple in heaven or whatever, but you're almost definitely booked for eternity together either way.

I'm fine with that.

Is that the good or bad news?

Uh... good news. This is where the conflict comes in.

Oh man, Laurie, if this is going to tear me apart again--

Let me just tell you what they're telling me. Then you can talk about it with them later, if you want... but it gets really freaking complicated. I'm not sure even I understand this.

What is it?

Apparently you'd have to somehow get 'sealed' to their family to reach the highest heaven of sorts, and then Chaos, you'd only be able to get there once that happens?

Wait, what's holding me back?

Uh, two things. One, you don't exist on this physical level-- heck, I don't either-- so you wouldn't be able to... um. You two wouldn't be able to get married in the physical sense, which I gather is the prerequisite for getting to this high level of heaven.

I know what the second problem is...

Yeah. You're a celibate. So that sort of marriage is out in any sense.

And I'm kind of freaking out because my celibacy here is also influenced by my polyamory, if I've never clarified that. I love so many people. Who the hell knows who I'll meet before I die? If I had to narrow my choices down all the way, ALL the way, I'm still stuck with like four people. I guess. Maybe more. I honestly don't know. And then you have the clashing with my childhood religious beliefs on the marriage thing, so--

Don't wear yourself out, kid. I get it.

But... man, I don't know. It's almost hilariously tragic because I don't feel I fully exist on this level of existence either.

...Shoot, I'm sorry, I completely misunderstood what Mel meant about that sealing thing.

What do you mean?

For heaven's sakes. All right, that's not an option for you, bottom line. I don't know how to break this to Mel.

What isn't? What happened?

That 'sealing' thing that would apparently allow you to reach the top heaven? You'd have to get freaking married into their family for that to happen.

...Oh.

No, no way, I cannot do that.

Yeah, I didn't think so. Geez.

No, I can't. It does not feel right, at all, and with this morning I am not in a stable enough emotional state to even discuss this. The celibacy is one thing, that's another one entirely. Please, can we drop this subject?

Absolutely, I'd be glad to. I don't want any more panic attacks going on.

...Mel is going to read this, though, aren't they.

Yeah, inevitably.

Just... tell them I need time to think about it. Please. I don't want to sound rude or inconsiderate, and I really don't want to talk about that anymore. We'll figure that out some other time.

Fine, done and done. Now what? You seem to have calmed down relative to when we started this conversation.

...Kind of. I'm just not thinking about it.

Well you need to. Otherwise we can't discuss this.

...My iTunes playlist is being painfully accurate right now. Hello rifle recoil.

...

Yeah, yeah it is. About that though. We really, really need to discuss the past 5 days.

Where would we start?

Saturday. I want to know what the heck happened on Saturday that triggered this whole disaster.

I told you, that's when Mel said they were engaged. And that just... I started thinking too much about what that meant again, and that got me so confused. I think I spent most of the day looking at photos of monster girls just to get my mind off things, but...

But Saturday night, you were hacked.

It was horrible, Laurie.

I thought you said that one was actually far less traumatic than the past ones were?

Yeah, but Jewel's talking from a different mindset right now.

...

I gave her a second chance. I really did. I told her, 'you know, you shouldn't be doing this. You're spiritually hurting innocent people, and destroying my perception of my fellow man and woman. Don't you realize that there's supposed to... there's supposed to be another side to this?' And... and I tried to make her understand that.

You nearly let her kill you.

I know. But I let her. I've never done that before, ever. I actually said, 'hey, this... this isn't right, but...' I'm sorry. I- I can't talk about this.

You tried to teach her empathy. You tried to make her understand that she was wrong.

She wouldn't l-listen. She wouldn't. And I was so shaken up, and I was in such pain, and... Josephina showed up. He was talking to me about it, t-trying to make me understand that even though she WAS wrong, I was wrong too, and... oh God I can't live with this. I can't. Oh my God.

...We spoke about this with Jo yesterday, didn't we.

Yeah. Yeah we did. And he told me that I was wrong because I shouldn't experience that under any circumstances, even if I was trying to do things the right way...

...

Chaos, you are not doing well.

No I'm not. I'm really not.

All right, listen. We'll... actually, no, let's discuss this now. Jewel, we need to talk about the next three days, now. Before this disaster gets worse.

No, no no, please.

We have to, kid. Either you talk or I talk.

...On Sunday... Sunday morning I confronted Julie again. I tried to talk her out of her mindset, and tried to figure out why she wouldn't change. What her personal motives were. I didn't get anything. She hated me, she was angry because 'I had her body' and she wanted to 'use it like she wanted to' and since our moral systems clashed entirely, I refused to let her do anything. And I tried to tell her that what she wanted was wrong, because it was entirely selfish and she was consciously hurting others to get what she wanted... but she wouldn't listen.

...Jewel, can I step in here? I thought you should know that Mel just used the right pronouns for you. And we're still on the previous topic.

...

I really don't know how to deal with this situation. I... God knows I want this to turn out well for every one of us, but... there is so freaking much going on. We thought we had it. We thought we were set for life.

Only after Sunday night happened.

...Yeah. And that's where the awful bloody irony comes in.

Laurie, are... you're crying?

Yeah, yeah I am. I'm sorry, Jewel. I don't know how to deal with this either.

What irony?

This lovely freaking conversation I'm having in another tab. We're talking about how... how apparently, love equals salvation and salvation does not equal pain. You hear that?

...

And tell me just what the heck happened on Sunday that made both of you, both of you, feel that you were closer to God than you had ever been. THAT is where this bleeding irony comes in. That is why I am literally sobbing at this computer, because I cannot figure out how this works and hey, guess what? It hurts.

There is so much horrible paradoxicality in this situation.

We are not discussing that now. We are figuring out this crisis first.

Which... which issue would that be?

I want to know what the heck you two do when you're together that causes enough pain to rival a religious experience. I want to know why the heck you get pain from everything positive in your life, and when you don't, it's instantly invalid to you. I want to know what the heck we are supposed to do if salvation really is without pain, if you only feel redeemed when you're bloody drowning in it!

Positive pain, Laurie. Not negative. There's a difference.

Yeah, no kidding, but it's still pain.

Maybe positive pain doesn't count?

Then it should have a different bloody name.

Maybe it does. It probably does, and just feels so close to 'actual' pain that the two get grouped together. That makes the most sense to me.

I'll go with that then, fine. But then what the heck is it, if you're getting it from this? Is it even a separate thing at all?

...Probably not, actually. I... can we go back to talking about Sunday?

You seriously think you can talk about that now?

I'll try. Hey, uh, where... where's Chaos?

He said you shut down for a while.

Um... I guess I did. Wait, where is he though?

Talking to Mel. To our readers: there was quite a large time gap about four sentences ago. You're welcome.

...Really? I mean, weren't you talking to her too? For a while?

I signed off when Chaos signed in and started screaming at me to get back in here for your sake. Now God only knows what he's discussing with Mel.

...

Don't worry about it. We have things to talk about too.

Yeah...

So start on Sunday evening, then. Whenever. As long as you talk about what happened that night.

I will.

Hey, uh, I'm back. Sorry.

We need to stop having these time gaps.

Yeah, can we all stay in here now? Seriously, it's been a waking nightmare trying to keep everyone together for the past few hours.

Not to mention channeling.

Shoot, I didn't even realize-- I am really sorry, Jewel.

I told you he shut down, Laurie.

I know, but I was freaking out, I didn't think--

Guys, whatever happened happened. If you all needed to talk, and it helped, good.

I'm more concerned about you.

I could say the same.

Jewel, I'm not the person who's destroying himself here!

Whoa, hold up. Stop jumping to conclusions. Chaos, chill the heck out for five minutes. Jewel, we really need to continue this conversation. Start with Sunday evening.

Oh God and we're talking about this...

Yeah, we are. We have to. Really, Chaos, what the heck happened to you in the past hour? Did Mel insult you or something?

No, and don't joke around with me. I've been trying to keep calm and listen to you since this morning. I didn't realize just how badly I've been taking this until five minutes ago. I am in a nightmarish amount of emotional pain and I really can't think straight right now, so you'll excuse me if I'm acting more than a little shattered right now.

...

I strongly doubt any of us would hold that against you.

I'm having a very hard time keeping my thanatos side down, haha.

Don't you freaking dare. What did I just tell you?

That was out of context, Laurie.

I don't care if it is. All right, fine. Here's a quick summary of the past five minutes, offscreen. Jewel had a minor emotional breakdown that caused him to go deathdrive on us. You readers probably have no bloody clue what that is as we haven't discussed that yet, but tough deal. Jewel was wondering aloud if he could theoretically 'destroy' our current inner reality in order to negate what happened this morning. Understandably, I flipped out and told him to stop, and Chaos tried to get him to explain why-- you know, can we just repeat that part of the conversation here? Because we didn't quite get a conclusion from it.

You asked me why I wanted to destroy what I did, and I said because it was evil and it was destroying us. Chaos said he didn't experience that part of it, and that my motives weren't evil. I insisted that the act itself was evil. Laurie pointed out my tendency to see good and bad as subjective sometimes. She asked me how this could have been evil if it had other supposedly good applications which I won't talk about yet as we aren't at that point in the conversation. I got all confused and broken again and here we are.

Are you still trying to mentally kill yourself?

No. I'm too sad and empty. And lost.

Yeah, I'm not surprised. Now let's get back on track for heaven's sake. Where were we?

What happened on Sunday night. I was with Chaos, for about an hour.

If you readers don't know what the hell we mean by that at this point, go back and review a few entries. I'm not re-explaining this.

Are you sure?

Why wouldn't I be? We've discussed your connection to him several times in the past, in depth, and repeating that here is just going to take up precious time.

All right. But I just want to say that those connections, the emotional-spiritual ones, are positive. I have no problem with those, whatsoever. They're different from the human kind.

I think you're forgetting about someone named Beryllium?

Don't bring that up.

Oh I'll bring that up. You know very well how she was born. You still going to insist that's so vastly different from--

Stop. Yes, it is different.

But not for that reason.

We discussed this. I told you why it's different and why I wanted nothing to do with it.

But you're forgetting the other part of that explanation, aren't you?

I don't want to talk about this. I was discussing Sunday night. That was the complete opposite of today.

If you insist. I'm just going to link our readers back here for reference.

It was. For one, the aftereffects were completely and overwhelmingly positive.

Before we get to that, though. I'm just going to reiterate that it hurt, didn't it?

More than anything, yeah. The positive kind.

And Chaos, you said that he actually had to stop because he was effectively drowning in it, for lack of a better term.

...Yeah, I figured his catharsis attribute had finally kicked in completely.

And why, pray tell, did we conclude that was? Jewel? I believe you're the one who explained it.

I don't remember.

Then let me quote you. From Monday night: "I think it's because I've never dealt with it in this way before. Remember that I hit that inner peace sort of state in May? It stuck, and I swear I've never felt as complete as I did last night. So I've hit an all-time high, literally. And maybe that's what I needed to achieve."

How does that apply to this big picture?

Because of why you were able to have what you did on Sunday. That confrontation you had with Julie, on Saturday? Josephina told you--

I know what he told me. I said it once. I won't say it again.

Did you ever consider that maybe he wasn't seeing the whole picture?

Why wouldn't he have?

Think about it. When we spoke with him yesterday, as I also mentioned previously, he wasn't doing so well, was he?

Because of what happened to me! He's an anti-id, he's supposed to fight that! He knew that I was making the wrong choice in effectively sacrificing myself to try to convert Julie, and he was freaking out that this was still a problem! He was freaking out because he didn't want to be involved in those things either, because he didn't want to turn into an actual id and cause more pain. And that's what I was basically doing, on Saturday. I was hurting myself, and him, and everyone else.

You were letting her ravage you. That's why it wasn't right. We all know that.

Then why are you saying he was mistaken?

Because Julie had nothing to do with today, and Jo's advice would only correctly apply if she had been.

...I don't believe that. It still applied.

Geez, look, let's get back to Sunday. Your catharsis kicked in because you understood the truth about what you were allowing to happen to yourself, because of her. You were no longer unsure about that, as you've infamously been in the past. You realized that there was a disconnect between her motives and yours, and that you really were in the right. So, without that fear holding you back, you were able to give more of yourself than you ever had, and with Chaos' empathy and your emotional amplification, you basically overloaded.

Because he has to split two realities when we're together, that's why. He's not physically with me, although he is on every other level, but thanks to that break he's literally unable to process that much emotion at once.

Yeah, and that's some seriously heavy stuff. Well, you know what that BT song said...

That was... actually a very important part of that night, to be honest.

And it plays into what Mel said earlier...

Holy swords, it does. See, when we manage to calm down we're able to understand this stuff! Good job.

I am not calmed down.

Then you're either feigning it well, you're about to figmentize, or you're actively lying to yourself. Something tells me its the latter.

I'm just very... look, I don't want to get off track again. Can we talk about Monday now?

We're getting there. As I was saying, you two hit a high point on Sunday, and even though Jewel had to cut things short thanks to reality limitations, what you two shared then had a really serious effect on how he felt the next morning.

I'm not sure if I can accurately talk about this without disconnecting on some level.

Still that shaken up?

Yeah.

Did he write anything about that online? In case we have to reference that, if he can't talk...

He'll talk. I know him, and I know the Dream World "fear principle". He's spiritually unable to let this hold him back for very long.

...

I don't know. He's been... holding everything back since this morning.

Yeah, well, we're working on fixing that. On that note I just want to say that I'm glad you have an open mind about this, so that you can actually understand what the heck I'm trying to get him to realize.

...I guess that's thanks to the 'fear principle,' then, as you put it. December 23rd, right?

Exactly. And I am really freaking glad you're not blinding yourself to that like he is.

Laurie, what do you want me to do.

I want you to stop refusing to see exactly what happened this morning.

You freaked out when Chaos told you.

Because I thought Julie had been involved, for heaven's sakes! Once he explained the truth of the situation to me, what your motives had been, and how it had actually happened, I had no bloody problem with it!

Laurie, can we not--

Yeah, yeah, fine. ...Monday morning. You've never been happier in your entire life, and I know that. That's really saying something.

I was happy because of what I had and what I was able to understand because of it.

Elaborate?

...I woke up on Monday morning with this incredible feeling of peace and understanding, like everything made sense and I was a part of everything, spiritually so. I was in a state of unshakable bliss the entire day. And... I did some religious thinking that afternoon, with reviewing the New Testament and things like that, but instead of just reading it, it felt like I was a part of that too... it was crazy. It all made complete sense. I have never felt so completely right in my life. And I knew, I knew it was because of the night before, because of what that had meant... because of exactly what I had felt as an absolute part of it. It was freaking indescribable and beautiful and existentially validating somehow and now I am terrified out of my mind that I have destroyed that.

Actually, all you did was experience what the vast majority of people on this planet do in place of that 'higher' sort of commitment you have.

It makes me sick, Laurie. I have something brighter. Why did I...

You know exactly why, and I can tell you're starting to come back to us so don't lose this. Now what the hell happened yesterday? I know there was definitely some sort of mood switch, you weren't in that state of absolute euphoria anymore...

No, and I'm not sure why. Wait, no, it was because I woke up to a stressful family atmosphere and it knocked me off balance. I tried real hard to get it back during the day, but I kept being very forcibly reminded of all these dark things in the world... of course I dealt with that the best I could, but it bothered me. I knew that there were so many harmful things in the world that I could not directly change, and that there were so many lost and hurt people that I could not directly help because, no matter how much I gave of myself for their sakes, they ultimately had to make the choice whether or not to listen.

So you understand how I'm feeling right now.

...I guess. Laurie, I am sorry, but this is very hard for me and I can't seem to reconcile the situation.

I know that. I'm just trying to help, and you're being extremely stubborn.

Because I've been so badly hurt, and because of the huge morality war going on inside me right now.

I told you, the side you're panicking over isn't a moral side, believe it or not.

I'm having a hard time believing it. I don't know if I can.

You believed it this morning.

...

Well you obviously did, otherwise this morning wouldn't have even happened.

I can't come to terms with this yet.

Jewel, I know it was difficult for you. I know you only did it for that one reason.

Yeah, but was that reason true enough for me to risk sacrificing so much?

In my opinion it was. I mean, seriously, Julie is going to have one heck of a hard time trying to hack you now.

I hope so. I just wish there had been some other way.

There wasn't. Kid, I know you were debating the social and religious and physiological aspects of the situation, but ultimately there really only were two decisions.

Our original decision was better. This shouldn't have happened.

If you say so, but then I wonder why in the world that suddenly changed over the past few days?

I was blinded. I must have been. I was being too idealistic. I disconnected from the truth and didn't realize what I had actually decided to do.

...Didn't you make that decision based on the religious aspects?

Yeah, I did. That, and the fact that it was... Julie took something from me, a long time ago. Okay? She took it and corrupted it, completely. I suffered for a long time thanks to that. Then today I looked back and thought, "you know, forget it. I've had enough. I'm taking that back and I'm fixing it, however I possibly can." And I tried, and now I never want to see that thing again. My involvement with that nightmare is over. But... I'm just utterly destroyed on some level. I didn't want to do this. I wanted to achieve the purpose behind it. But I did not want to do this, at all. And that's why I am so lost and shredded with guilt.

'Do this' as in what, the physical aspect?

It wasn't even entirely physical, remember? I didn't even have that level, and he had disconnected from it.

But that was the most dangerous thing I could have done!! Yeah, I disconnected from it, because I didn't want that part of it! But that didn't mean it didn't happen, because it had to in order for me to really destroy Julie's hold on this thing. I hated it but I guess it had to happen. I don't know.

That's why you were talking too much. I noticed you do that whenever you're really shaken up or nervous about something, Jewel. You were trying far too hard to be as distanced as possible. Really, you were acting again, here and there, to be honest. That's why I kept asking you if you were okay, or if you really wanted to go through with that.

Chaos, I wanted to say no.

Then why didn't you??

Because I couldn't. I told you, it had to be done. I hated-- I hated-- that I had to temporarily bring myself down to that level, just so I could reclaim something I didn't even want. But I knew what it was supposed to mean, in some sort of greater cosmic sense... and after everything I've been learning, I just couldn't stand the thought of Julie using it for filthy ends anymore.

Wow, we are getting somewhere.

I'm too tired, emotionally and spiritually, to be angry anymore, Laurie. I'm just saying it like it is. I'm broken and sorry for it, but I want this to be settled. I don't want to walk out of here with that still hurting me. I want to figure this out.

Took long enough.

I told you, I was in so much pain. We all were. All three of us had complete emotional fallouts today, multiple times, for the same reason. We all got really hopeless at one point or another.

Because of you, Jewel. The only reason I've been hurting so much is because you are.

...I know. Ironically that's what's causing me the most pain here.

All right, before that explodes into something dangerous, let me just say that you have not destroyed anything.

I feel like I have.

You haven't, and you know it. You haven't damaged what really matters here, have you?

...No...

Then don't be worrying so much. Yeah, today was hell for you, in several aspects. But kid, you are still entirely capable of another Sunday night and you know it.

I'm not so sure.

Why the heck not?

Because I told you, I didn't want to do this, but I had to. I had no choice but to take that back from Julie and try to purify it. I had to reclaim it, for the sake of hopefully purging that corruption from it, but I didn't want it. So... I couldn't keep it. But just throwing it away felt wrong too, because of what I knew had happened with it under Julie's control. No, I had to actively make it something good before I let go of it for good.

And how the heck is that keeping you from expressing love?

The only way I could see to purify it was to use it. Once. I didn't ever want to have to do that.

Well no kidding. You say that constantly.

So you understand how I'm feeling right now.

Yes, but I don't understand why you're ignoring your own bloody motivations for it. Heck, you didn't even use it completely and you know it!

I wouldn't have been able to live with myself or anyone else if I had.

But you didn't. We all know that. You did the absolute minimum, you freaked out the entire time from what I heard, and you had the right motivations and intentions.

Good intentions are the path to hell, Laurie.

Only as an excuse, kid. You thought this through. If you had good intentions but you clearly knew that the ends wouldn't justify the means, you wouldn't have--

That's what is upsetting me so much! That I had to use this means just to get that end. And I only did it because--

I know, I know. You've explained it pretty clearly.

No, I'm not done. That was the main motivation, yes, but there was a serious reason why Chaos had to be involved and... I just can't forgive myself for getting him caught up in this awful thing. It was my problem, it was my curse to try and overcome. But then that freaking reason showed up, and that had to happen, and I just can't forgive myself for that.

Well, he wasn't really 'involved,' if you get what I mean.

Yeah, we made sure of that, Jewel. Plus it was kind of impossible for me to be.

But I had to be. And you're like this... this ideal, to me. It's like the lyrics to that other song of ours, you know? "The rock that I stand on is you." And now I feel like I really have fallen from grace, and you're who I'm turning to, but I'm so devastated because, did I drag you down with me?

No, you didn't. Jewel, you didn't even fall. Please, it's going to be okay. I swear to you.

Need I remind you of "a certain sanctuary you will find?" I think that ties into your new song, too.

The BT one?

Yeah, of course.

You know, there are two that apply to us.

Really? What's the other one?

The Emergency. "I wanted things to get better, I was in pain. I wanted you to be in my lifeline... I wanted love to get better, I'd wait in line, for something I knew that I would get to keep..."

Wow, that one is actually really accurate with today in mind.

I guess.

Don't guess, it definitely is.

"Remember" tops it by a mile though.

Geez, yeah. That one is actually shocking with how well it fits.

...Did we mention just how that fit into Sunday?

Not yet. I think that would hurt too much right now.

Maybe, but you know, we really do need to get back to that point.

I told you, I don't feel that I'm worthy of doing that anymore with what I've had to do now.

Jewel, you're blinding yourself again. And that's actually not the point I wanted to discuss next. We'll get back to that in a minute.

Wait, what other point would that tie into?

Remember earlier today, when Mel was talking to me about religion and salvation?

...Oh. Yeah, that... that works.

See kids, there's this one BT song that Jewel is addicted to, and the lyrics go a little something like this: "Take this and hold my love for you. In separate times we think as two. In paradise I’ll drown in you." That describes these two exactly, insane amounts of personal symbolism included!

I need to... to write an entry on glissando about that. The symbolism.

You should.

That's not the only line we held on to though.

Yeah, the chorus kind of... it meant a lot more than it would have in any other situation.

Oh, I know the chorus. That was seriously written for you two.

"Remember me near. There may be times when it’s not right for me to be there. But remember me near…"

That hurt so much when I first heard it. It's so true.

The positive sort of pain, I assume?

Entirely. And today I've already had two people tell me about heaven and that's all I can think of. I just... it does tie into that. That's what Monday was about.

Mel understood that, you know.

What?

Well... let's start with the fact that we all know that you desperately want to be with God one day, however one wants to understand that... but that experience you had on Monday? Geez, boy, I saw you when you were like that. I know what that meant to you.

Did you tell Mel about that?

No. But that's part of it. See, on Monday, you said you felt closer to 'the divine' that you had ever felt in your life, and ONLY because you were existing in a state of absolute love. Right?

Well, yeah...

You even described it as 'existentially verifying' earlier in this conversation. I mean, holy swords, you had one heck of an experience if that's the case.

It was, I wouldn't lie. I mean I've had positive experiences of a spiritual sort before, and the most striking prior to that was in May. We discussed that one in our last conversation, actually.

That was the one in the rain, right?

Yeah. And we thought that was my catharsis coming back, because it did make me feel connected to the world... but... I didn't have peace yet. I didn't even get close until the Rapture was supposed to happen, hilariously enough. I just couldn't get the thought out of my head when I heard the rumor. "If I die and I'm not at peace with myself, what's going to happen?"

You're reading too much of Jack, haha.

Maybe. I love that comic though. Anyway, yeah, I was terrified for like two weeks leading up to May 21st, spending every waking moment doing spiritual research to try and get myself 'ready' for whatever might happen... I mean, I was still feeling intense conflicts with the world at that time. I was unsure of my own identity simply because the people preaching this apocalypse were being, honestly, quite closed-minded in some aspects. I would know, I read all of their website pamphlets.

You would.

I did. But, with all of that research I did, and all of the deep thinking I did, I eventually figured things out. As well as I could at the time, rather. But... seriously, when the 21st did hit, I wasn't as afraid as I thought I'd be. The single reason I was really freaking out was because I am technically really gay, and the fearmongers were blaming a lot of the 'apocalypse' on that for whatever reason. Even so, at 6PM I was sitting on our back porch despite that and thinking, "well, whatever happens, I'm ready for it." And when I woke up on Sunday and I was fine, so much slid into place. And I was happy for like three solid weeks after that.

What threw you off?

Julie. It wasn't permanent, but--

Well, thank God this morning happened, then.

Laurie, please, I'm still not okay with that whole situation yet.

Then what the heck is going to make you okay with it? Give me a solid answer already, please.

...I need to do some more reading.

Why.

This happened because of a religious understanding. I need to do more reading, and see if there really is as much support for my motivation as I felt there was. If so, then... then it'll be easier for me to recover from this, if anything.

If not?

Then I don't know. And I'm very afraid of that.

Can I steer this conversation back to what I was trying to tell you about Mel? Because that ties into your religious thoughts, you know.

Sure, go ahead...

Well, I was trying to explain about how you felt so freaking divine on Monday and we ended up on a tangent.

Did I even conclude that tangent?

Only you would know, kid.

Um... no, actually I didn't, and that will bring it back to the topic. I was saying how my experience in the rain back in May wasn't as strong as it could have been, because I wasn't 'at peace' yet. Then I explained the events that led up to my feeling almost completely at peace with my life, that lasted through most of this month. And you asked what threw that off, and I said Julie, and we ended up back with... with this morning.

But you started with a comparison between the rain experience and Monday's experience, and that goes back to earlier today when you said that your catharsis really came back on Monday, not in May, because of the level of peace you had achieved.

Right.

And that ties back to what I was saying about Mel, because that experience you had on Monday only happened because of love.

You said she understood what Jewel was saying about heaven, though, but that what Jewel felt on Monday wasn't entirely it?

No, it wasn't. Because Mel understood how you played into it, Chaos.

...What?

How does... you said something about my wanting to be with God one day, but...

But, your experience on Monday proved to you that God was love, right? And I don't think I need to remind you just how you fell into that love.

...

Listen, Jewel. When Mel was talking to me about heaven, and how she wanted you to get there no matter what, they said something that I didn't mention earlier. Sure, I mentioned that according to them there "was no pain in heaven," and we were debating whether 'positive pain' counted or not... but later, you brought up that BT lyric, and how that tied into Monday, and I figured I should tell you the other half of that original statement.

...What did they say?

...If positive pain caused what you felt on Monday, then I'd say that's allowed in heaven. Only the negative kind is out. But if you ended up in heaven without the person who you've literally given yourself to in love, you'd be feeling some serious negative pain, to say the absolute least. Something tells me a God of love wouldn't allow that to happen. And yes, Mel understood that.

She... she did?

Yeah. So no worries, you two. Even if now isn't the right time for you to be together, you still have paradise to look forward to, right?

...Oh God, I can't believe she understands that.

Well she does. She says you two have a beautiful relationship, actually, and I can vouch for that. Which is why I am so deadset on keeping this conversation going until you get yourself together, Jewel. I do NOT want anything happen to drive you two apart, in any sense. Not after the horrors I've seen Julie do to you. You know why this happened.

...

And you should seriously talk to Mel first thing tomorrow because they are worried sick about you. Heck, they're probably worried sick about all of us, considering the Facebook mania that went down earlier.

I... I will, I promise. Even if it hurts, I'll talk to them.

They really love you, Jewel.

I know. I love them too... I'm just... really bad at this, I guess.

I think a certain green-eyed angel of yours disagrees with that.

...

Hey, speaking of, how the heck are you doing right now? J and I have been arguing without giving you any space and I'm starting to get concerned.

...I guess I'm all right.

Are you really? Because I can quote from our Facebook conversation too.

I... no, that is still bothering me. It actually hurts even more after what you just told Jewel.

It should. And hey, Jewel? Your soulbond over here is really bloody distraught because you are effectively letting Julie influence your reaction to this situation, although it only happened in order to completely prove her wrong. And in my eyes it did, but you're apparently not as sure as yourself as you've been saying you are.

...I told you I need to check this religious stuff first.

Forget that, you have over 500 files saved on Apollo right now about this stuff and I know it.

That's for Dream World in general. This is different.

I don't think so, and you're lying to my face again. We are going in circles and so help me but I will get you out of this terrified mindset permanently if it kills me.

Please, Laurie, don't.

I will, and don't think I'm a hypocrite. You've seen how far I'm willing to go for your sake before. If this situation doesn't resolve really bloody soon, I'm going to have to get desperate.

...What do I do?

Don't make him feel trapped, Laurie. Please, this is really difficult for him.

Chaos, I know, that's been every third sentence at this point. But why is it so bloody difficult?

Because I--

You took an aspect of yourself back from Julie, because she had been corrupting it. And then you used it for what it should be used for-- and not even entirely-- in order to keep her from ever corrupting it again. That worked, didn't it?

I... I think so...

And what the heck did you lose? Nothing! Yeah, you're ace and it was really freaking weird for you, but you didn't even do anything. You were careful as possible and I know that you both made sure that every single aspect of it was thought over at least three times, to make sure nothing was being done wrong, and I also know that there wasn't a bloody shred of selfishness or dishonesty or anything having to do with that pink bitch in it! For the love of love itself, Jewel, you think Chaos didn't tell me everything this morning? You're the one who calls me a raging fangirl, did you seriously think I'd let you two do something that absolutely crazy and not ask about every honest detail? I care about you two more than I've ever said, and Chaos, I'd put my life on the line for you just as readily I would for Jewel, so you know. I swear on my honor, if there was anything about this morning that I saw as being harmful to either of you, in any way, I would have mentioned it the second we started this conversation. The only reason I've been freaking out is because our Gaia boy here is insisting that he was wrong in trying to purify this situation!

That's not what I thought was wrong, I--

Yes it bloody well is. I've been talking to Mel about their views on marriage and relationships just to get myself some proof that what you already know is the truth, and you keep insisting you have to do more research. You know what's going to freaking happen when you do that? You're going to find that everything you read already matches what you believe, even if you're hiding it, but you're going to be so bloody unsure of yourself that you're going to make excuses about it. You need to STOP doing that.

I'm trying, Laurie.

If you really were trying you wouldn't be acting like you are right now. Jewel, when I saw how you reacted to this morning I was scared out of my freaking mind, for the same reason that Chaos was. You were letting your perceptions be warped by Julie, which is really terribly sad in light of what you had just done, and she had you so convinced that her motives were valid enough to overshadow yours, that I thought you had effectively allowed some part of yourself to die. We all did, and you know it. You thought that, for some inexplicable reason, you had just lost your innocence and your ability to hold onto relationships whatsoever.

And I told you, that was because I felt I had been corrupted by it and that I had hurt Chaos through that--

How the heck could that have corrupted you? Because you still insist on seeing it as 'evil?' Guess who's responsible for that thought? Julie. She turned that into something evil for you, because she was abusing it and completely disregarding its original purpose, which is what you were trying to save today if ONLY for the sake of restoring that purpose.

But did I have to do it?

Why else would you have done it at all? Honestly, if you hadn't, you'd probably have continued to let Julie screw around with you because you STILL insist in giving her a chance to turn her sorry life around. Well guess what? She apparently doesn't care, and you're too bleeding innocent to just abandon even someone like her. You would have tried to make her understand what she was doing wrong, at great cost to everyone involved, and I know it because you've been doing that for a heck of a long time now. But no, somehow you reached the conclusion that that was no longer an option, because it was getting nowhere. And you thought about it, as you always do, and you realized that the ONLY way to stop her was to take that from her, for good. You had to take it back, change it completely, and then she'd be completely powerless. And guess what you did? That.

...I...

Do you want it in simpler terms, because you apparently keep forgetting your deeper motives for this whole thing? Mel and Q got engaged and told you on Saturday. You had a personal crisis because you're already bleeding married in the J-Monster sense, and yet you were unsure if you even had the right to talk about that because it seemed to clash with their beliefs on the subject. And then you had another thought-- and yes I know about this because I heard you freaking out over it-- that what, exactly, was making this clash at all? "Wait, it's because I personally view a great deal of what's involved in human marriage as 'evil' simply because Julie has been abusing me all these years, and no thanks to my family or popular culture either!"

And I could no longer think that anymore, because of what I've learned online over the past few months, and also because of just who was getting married in that sense...

Now you got it! You even told me last night, don't you remember? How you were absolutely disgusted by the fact that so many children are raised from birth to be ashamed of what God has given them, because they are told that it's 'shameful' or 'sinful?' And you got so angry because heck, what's so wrong about something you're supposed to freaking have? You were telling me all about it, how you stopped hating on people for things you had been taught to hate, that were perfectly innocuous and that had ONLY become 'evil' to you because of outside corruptive influences. You wonder why you love intimacy and honesty with people and I will tell you why. It's because you are able to see that there is nothing wrong with people. You see people for what they are, not what they're objectified to become, and yes, you love them! You woke up on Monday feeling like you were part of everyone and everything and you loved all of it, and it was the most natural thing in the world to you! You talk about synchronicity and no coincidences, but when Mel sent you that link about being part of a 'peculiar people' you didn't understand that they were describing your entire bloody life.

I did understand, Laurie! I was reading that and I couldn't stop thinking, "I know this, I believe this, this all makes perfect sense!" But I guess I... I guess I took it for granted at the time, because it was something I was living already, and--

Then why the heck were you still second-guessing your own morals that same day? Why the heck are you STILL doing that right now? You heard that your best friends were getting married, and you finally realized that there was no bloody way it could be wrong with how they were living it, because they aren't "of the world" either! Geez, we had this conversation back in freaking 2008, didn't we? You're all on the right track, so stop thinking you're not, please.

I want to. I don't know why it's so difficult for me to just accept that fact.

I do. It's because you've been hurt far too many times in the past, and because most of the people around you aren't understanding of your situation at all. You grew up always thinking that you were a bad kid, and you never even knew why. You never got an explanation, only punishment, even if the situation had been badly misinterpreted and you held no fault at all! And you still accepted that you HAD done something wrong, even then, because you were being told that from someone who had no bloody clue what they were even saying. Sound familiar?

...

You, both of you. You did nothing wrong this morning, all right? And yes, Jewel, I am sure. It's going to take a while for you to accept that, I know, because of how much hell you have been through up to this point that screamed otherwise. All of that is wrong, dead wrong, and you had better accept that too.

I'll try. I promise I will.

You had better. And hey, while you're still stuck in this mindset, there's another thing Mel told me today. "The thing itself can be bad, but can lead to something good, as well as the other way around. I think you really need to determine if it was worth it." The problem is that it wasn't bad, not inherently so, and you made the mistake of thinking that because someone else could corrupt it into that, that the thing itself could not exist as the absolute opposite. Well, this morning proved that wrong in my opinion. But that's not even the entire point. The point is that, Jewel, if you still cannot accept that fact, you can at least accept the fact that it was not only worth it, but that it DID lead to something good even if you refused to see that.

I've been trying to tell him that.

Well yeah, you would, you're the main reason that's even true. But hey, another thing. Isn't that a Dream World principle too? How some good things can appear 'bad' at first because they cause suffering? Or because they appear to do something horrible that really isn't the case? But you learn, don't you? You learn to see more clearly. You become stronger, and you understand more. Because Mel understands that too, if you weren't aware.

I really do need to talk to her.

Tomorrow. And I'm not done yet.

Laurie, I don't know if there's anything else to say. I really just need to think about this and... and just learn to be more confident in my own beliefs and experiences, I guess.

Like I said, I'm not done. I have one more thing to say. You're talking about learning to see the truth in your experiences? Then listen up. If it wasn't so bloody late right now, I would tell you and Chaos to get together for as long as possible tonight, and I am not joking. It's not just because I'm far too inspired by your relationship for my own good. It's not just because of Sunday night, and how you both insisted that you've never felt something that beautiful before. It's not just because of what that caused the next day, it's not just because of the fact that even Mel knows the significance of that, and it's not just because you two have been together for eight years and that is amazing. It is because, even though you were trying to absolve what Julie had done this morning, and even though you understood that yeah, you're not like most people in several aspects and so the typical meaning and reason for the situation did not apply to you, you still understood that the only way to really conquer Julie was to completely remove her from the entire situation and honestly, that only involved one simple thing.

But it...

But nothing. I already explained this to you. You didn't want to have to work on that level, but you had to because it was the only way to completely reclaim that. I know. But it wasn't wrong, it didn't kill either of you in any way, and you didn't lose a single blessed atom of your innocence. Do you know why?

...

Because ultimately, all you did this morning-- the only thing you really did-- was that you decided to give everything of yourselves to each other. Not to prove a point, not to live up to anyone else's expectations, but because you two love each other more than I can even comprehend, and I saw that on Monday night when no one else might have. Mel is getting married for the same reason you two did, and she is going to be with her husband in the same way that you've been with each other, and for love's actual sake, Jewel, if you're going to stand there and tell me that you've made a mistake in choosing to share every honest aspect of yourself with the single person you would live and die for, for the person that you love so much that everyone you know can see it and has NO bloody problem with it, no matter how unusual it may be-- if you are going to insist that you still did something wrong today, I am going to tell you that you are a flat-out liar and that you need to open your heart and realize the truth. It might take a little while, sure, but heaven knows you shouldn't have a problem when you're with him.

...You just quoted me.

I did. I told you earlier, with that fear principle? You have too much love in your heart to ever let any sort of darkness win. And when you two get together? Holy swords-- and straight through the heart, for the record. I don't know how you could even suggest that something could go wrong there. It should literally be impossible. Heck, it is impossible, and I think I've made my point.

Laurie, you are amazing.

Look who's talking. You two are the only reason I'm standing up here giving inspirational speeches, after all. And yeah, I just referred to you both as a single reason. Make what you will of that double meaning.

...

Jewel, I need a response. Come on. Do you get it now?

...I think I get it. But I think there are still things holding me back, too. Old fears and hurts, that I know shouldn't be bothering me at this point, but that have been bothering me for so long that I've forgotten what it's like without that constant negative ache.

Well learn. Chaos, my next order of business for you two is to get rid of all that old fear and hurt, however you can.

You do know it's almost 1 in the morning and there is no way Jewel would be able to handle something at this hour?

I didn't say you had to fix that right now, geez. Well, no. I want Jewel to fix his attitude on this right now, or no one is leaving this room.

It's fixed, Laurie.

Sure, you can say it's fixed, but I don't settle for half. Give me a statement.

Fine... um...

Jewel, come on. You know I'm right. I've been trying to get that through your head for the past twelve hours. 

All right. We did nothing wrong. It was just weird for me.

Yeah, no kidding. You got into that without even conquering your fears first, and we know it.

That took a lot of guts, though.

I guess. Well, I also guess that I didn't realize that at the time, due to the 'fear principle' Laurie has been referring to. Also, can I just add that there is some seriously amusing irony in giving that name to that philosophy?

Yes, and you're welcome. And about that--

I know, I know. That applies to this situation too. Geez, I really do have a lot to learn...

Maybe so, but at least you know that you have to learn it. Ignorance isn't bliss, kid.

No, that would be what Sunday night was like.

Haha, and don't I know it!

Only because you're a raging fangirl, Laurie.

And proud of it. All right, seriously, we actually managed to hit a mutually positive note here, so I think we can finally close this up.

Do you think we should... discuss this further? Tomorrow or something?

Why, what the blood is left to discuss? There is nothing left, Jewel.

Well I do plan on talking to Mel as soon as possible. And I don't know if either of you plan on doing that again, but maybe that would be a good idea?

You can always let them know our thoughts on the matter.

Yeah, but I don't know. It feels like I'm cheating you guys out of a real discussion.

Kid, I've had enough 'real discussions' today to last a while.

No, really, since you spoke to them today I am literally unable to clearly talk to them about whatever you discussed, because I can only refer info back and forth. Things get lost in translation, questions go unasked... I really think all of us should contact Mel at some point, just to let them know how we're all individually dealing.

They're probably the most worried about you.

I don't doubt it, no... but I'm worried about the both of you, and like I said, it doesn't feel right to keep you from clearing that up with them in the most accurate way possible.

I suppose I can do that, yeah. I mean, heck, I was planning to anyway, but you have a point with the individual perspectives.

I hate to break up the business meeting but it is really late, and I don't want Jewel getting sick on top of all this.

Geez, yeah, you're right. Okay, Jewel, you're stable now, right?

Yeah.

Chaos, you'll watch over him and make sure he doesn't slip or start second-guessing himself, right?

As always.

Good. Then we're set. Any final statements from either of you before I call it quits?

Yeah, uh, I just find it hilarious that Laurie and I might have spent equal time fronting today.

I think we might have. Sheesh. That is pretty funny.

But you didn't think you could channel anymore, remember when I took everyone driving?

Oh man, now that was funny.

We do need to discuss all of that soon, too. All of the stuff that happened since May.

Yeah, we do. But this took precedence over everything else today.

Wait, why didn't Laurie think she could channel anymore?

Dysphoria. I got it really freaking bad. Leon did too, actually.

But that wasn't a bad day at all save for that fact.

No, it wasn't. Plus we learned that Spine cannot flippin' drive, in both senses.

Well she tried!

Guys, it's 1 in the morning.

And that's my curtain call. You two are leaving before me though, because otherwise we're going to have one heck of a hard time closing this up.

We definitely would.

All right, I'm out. I'm too exhausted to be in here anymore.

Hey Laurie, looks like you get to drive yet again.

Guess so. As long as J gets a break, he deserves it.

About that. Do you think he'll be okay with discussing this again tomorrow? With Mel, I mean.

Why not? We helped him understand what was really going on, so there's no reason for confusion or emotional breakdowns if he faces it a second time.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

Just being overprotective, huh?

You should talk, Laurie.

I think I've done enough talking for today. Lord have mercy.

That's... twelve times in twelve hours.

Heheheh.

We have so many injokes.

Hey I got one for you. If Jewel's mother ever does tell you two to get a divorce...

Never gonna happen.

Heh. Didn't think so.