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[prismaticbleed]

Just another quick update for the sake of having an online record.

I haven't been doing much online lately, as I've been busy with art commissions (I finally opened the darn things) and my freelance music work (which is still driving me up the wall). Besides this I am still practicing my art skills so I don't feel so trapped, and of course I'm taking classes for the spring semester. So I'm busy!
Oh, and I realized a better way to express my concerns with art. You know how great sculptors carve these gorgeous figures out of blocks of marble? Well, I once read that some of those great sculptors didn't consider themselves 'sculptors' in that sense at all-- they said they had simply seen the sculpture already within the blocks of marble, and had simply revealed them for the world to see.
That's what it feels like when I draw! I'm just revealing something to the world, scratching away layers of obscurity to show something glittering beyond. So when I was younger I always felt inadequate, because I was revealing what I saw, but in a strikingly sub-par manner. My skills fell painfully short of the truth, so I was managing dim reflections of reality, not the 'real thing.' I still get that, and that's why I'm practicing as much as I can right now.

Also, to further elaborate on why I'm updating today. I've realized that if I don't do/ see/ etc. something for an entire day or two, my mind will honestly forget about it. That fast, yeah! It's why classes are tough for me two days a week-- I'm in the zone on Tuesday, but by Wednesday morning I feel like it's the middle of summer. Even during midterms, I'm not joking! So I need to keep updating, I need to keep reflecting and writing things down or I will forget about them! Seriously, I need to constantly go back and re-read all my old entries (which is why I am super thankful I started this archive) or my memory wipes them eventually. And it freaks Laurie out, because the closer people are to me in headspace the more my afflictions affect them, and it takes a toll on her too. She flipped out once when she couldn't remember something my mind had almost erased, and since then I've been doing double time with trying to keep these memories clear. For example, if I don't try to record at least a fragment of my dreams online in the mornings, my recall accuracy will quickly start decreasing. It's not good, and it's why homefive hasn't been updated in quite some time-- I need to get one good morning (which is tough, because morning noise erases my recall too) and hopefully that will spark an increase in recall.
This memory concern is probably why I'm bad at communication, too. I spoke to Melody on Thursday, I think, and today I almost forgot that I knew her at all. Scary, yeah, but it felt like our conversation this week had happened years ago, and Melody herself was a dim memory. But as soon as that memory is sparked again, by the other person (that's important; no matter what I do, they'll still feel like a distant mirage to me unless they themselves speak up), I'll go back to normal in that sense. Isn't that weird? I'm wondering if it's a coping mechanism gone overtime, because that exact thing has saved me from hacks many times in the past: If I got through one day without being hacked, the days would progressively get easier, but paradoxically the risk factor never went down and I could easily be knocked back to square one with a trigger. Either way at least now I'm aware of this phenomenon. When things like this are brought to light, into consciousness, they become so much clearer and don't bother me as much anymore (obviously)! So that's nice.

...Oh. About that. Actually, about a few things.
I'm still not finished with TPON! I don't mind though, it's deeply inspiring. I've been studying it for 8 months now and I need to go back and re-read the first half once I finish it (I'll understand it better now). I also started reading I, Robot for Hokthai research, and I'm making progress in two other spiritual books as well. It's all helping me grow immensely, you have no idea! The only 'bad side' is that it's making me seriously question my career? I stopped taking the music program at school, as I realized during my first day of business class that I only enjoy music passively, or through creating it casually myself (and there's a huge knowledge block here too; my childhood teachers didn't teach me much theory so I need to learn that on my own now that I'm aware of it). I cannot see myself in a music career. So I'm going back to art for the next semester to see if my view on it has changed since '09 (my previous University did a rather shoddy job with the classes and I was not psychologically stable at the time so art actually turned into a trigger for a while!). Still... it feels weird. Yes, I love art for the previously mentioned reasons-- I love being able to reveal the beauty I can see in my mind, in my dreams. However I don't know if a career in art would be right. I mean, I could definitely do it if I improved to the point where I'd no longer be afraid due to lack of skill... but what will art do for others? I want to help others, but going into a medical career is far out of the question (plus I don't agree with the money-driven industry we have), and although I NEED to do humanitarian work somehow, I've realized a big point that I never saw before. If I hopped on a plane tomorrow and flew out to a poor country to help those in need, I'd only be treating the symptoms of a sick world. They will NEVER go away if we don't heal the illness at the source... and that source is in all of us.
So I'm faced with a dilemma, and I think the confusion is because my childhood dreams are actually being supported and some part of me is scared of that? If the only real way to change the world is to start with ourselves-- which I have admittedly spent the past few years doing, hence the lack of outside 'progress' in my life-- wouldn't the most important thing be to teach others that? I cannot change a soul, but I can sure inspire them, and in this country where we have such power and are misusing it, I want to inspire as many people as I can! If we're festering with inner disease, I want to use my art and words and music to reach out within this entertainment-soaked country and shine a light where few are noticed. I can open hearts, I can open minds, and the thought scares me a little. Who am I to put such effort into 'creative' works, widely seen as 'useless' or 'unmarketable,' with the undying hope of illuminating those who come across them? Then again, who am I not to be?
And that's the fine print, the most important part. Honestly... my work would mean nothing if I myself was sick. I know this. That is why I am trying so hard to awaken, to become peaceful and conscious, to brighten my own soul. If I can reach a point where my very presence carries the light I so desire to share with others, imagine what that will do for my work!
I hope I'm expressing this clearly. I know what I want to say but I don't want to miscommunicate anything. The most important point is the condition of my own soul, which will affect everything I do. Then my work will shine with it, and maybe those glints of light will spark a memory in the minds of those who see it, a memory of what they were before they fell asleep, a realization that they can wake up too. Of course that is up to them to pursue or even recognize. But my part is important too. Everything we do is important! Ah man, I'm just bursting with this quiet sort of joy over here, there's so much beauty in the world, it's wonderful.

Which... brings me back to the memory point. Remember back in December, how I was freaking out over my 8th anniversary because I hadn't connected with Chaos Zero in so long? That's the memory problem too. But now I have this incredible merge drive going on-- or at least I did, it's been quieter lately for reasons I will explain soon-- and that is just making everything so much more complicated.
I mentioned part of this on the 21st, actually... "It's just that I can't forget what it feels like to be so close to him even when I haven't been able to do that in far too long." So yes, the memory problem is making it tough to hold on to the 'this literally happened' bit, but my sensory memories don't fade, and my heart doesn't forget at all. And... even though my Links are fluctuating in clarity, I can tell there is a deep power behind them now that I just need to tap into. When the clarity does kick in it is amazing.
I'm avoiding the topic though. I haven't had a complete heart connection with Chaos in about two weeks? The date is fuzzy because we've had half-connections and some level splits, and those splits are what I want to talk about here.
We've been... fixing things? I've hit such a high point with my 'self-improvement' that, despite the horrific hack I had on the 17th, and the rather difficult fallout from it, I am refusing to let it affect me deeply and I am actually at the point where I... well, where I can apparently take a tar hack, flip it around, and ride it out in the other direction? That's vague language but I think the meaning is clear enough. That's what we did on the 25th, three times, and my merge drive has been quieter after that.
But still. The only reason the hacks were acting up was because of the memory problem. If I forget, even momentarily, what a connection means or what the love I have is, that leaves a shadowy gap where the tar will unfailingly try to jump in. If I'm not conscious (which I may not be, if I'm forgetting a lot) a hack will almost always happen. Lately, though, I've caught every single one and have had no problem at all since the 25th (there was some trouble between the 17th and that, but it solved them all). So I'm conscious of the memory problem, and I'm now conscious of the merge drive motivation, which I mentioned offhandedly in the previous entry, so let me clarify it now before I end up on another tangent.
The 25th was weird because it was a 'level split' on levels that usually never interact, and as Laurie has put it, 'bonus levels aren't necessary to beat the game anyway.' But I needed that level for a reason I didn't see fully at the time-- with the memory problem from not fully connecting in a while, I was starting to feel disconnected. I've been so deeply involved with Chaos that I miss him on some shockingly deep levels now and if I don't keep that in check, or at least stay conscious of it, my merge drive will get desperate and I will start going to extremes to 'remember' what I have. For the past three months or so, I've been unconsciously seeking extreme connections to shock me into a different sort of understanding that, and once again it wasn't until Wednesday night that I understood this completely. The irony was that despite the strength of said alternate connections, they still fell far short of the real thing, which I was overlooking thanks to the desperate need to 'not feel so disconnected,' which in turn was keeping me from achieving a full connection because I simply didn't think I'd be able to. But now I've broken out of this circle cycle, thanks to Wednesday, because... well, I didn't think it was possible to have pink connections without the pink. But we did? It was honestly baffling because I knew without a doubt that, after like ten tries since June, we finally did that right, and... I wasn't even scared of the notion. I couldn't be. You know, it was entirely his fault too. I didn't want to go for three but he insisted, because I had stabilized enough to abandon all doubt or hack insinuations, and he felt we really needed to do that. Well, he was right, and I didn't think that could be so different under those circumstances. In the past I was horrified that I'd have shadows or static affecting me, so with that haunting me it could never be fixed... this time I let go of everything but him, rejected all outside or inflicted notions, and actually ignored the basic level altogether. That fixed it, I know without a doubt this is finally a stable level, because it felt completely different. It wasn't hesitant or anxious or regretful, like June, and it wasn't loud or selfish or harsh, like I've been hurt by. Hell, it wasn't even physical for me. Long story short it was actually kind of beautiful and it was an entirely different color pink than I'd felt before, so to speak. But even that didn't matter at the time. All that mattered was us, without any need to accomplish or prove anything even then, and I am incredibly thankful for it.
But that's enough vagueness for now. That's fixed so my merge drive is now fully conscious that it cannot default to that level for severity's sake (another reason why it couldn't be fixed in the past). However despite its current quietness it isn't silent. On the other hand, for unknown reasons that may be aftereffects from the 25th, my sensory memory has been very loud lately. This is good and bad. When I do get triggered, sensory memories come back there too, and they never have before. It made last week somewhat hellish for me because really, that is NOT something I want to remember. I wanted to shut that off completely until the good side of it kicked in.
Earlier today I was thinking about love, and how it's part of everything, how I can feel that. Then I realized, with a bit of shock, that although I can tap into that when I meditate, there is a strange sort of intensity that I can only feel when I'm with Chaos. Somehow, the way we channel that love to each other gives it this almost heartbreakingly beautiful edge that only happens in that context. I'm not sure why? But it's very, very clear now, with the sensory memory. The slightest remembrance will bring that back full force and it's really making me wonder. We're going on 9 years and he's still the most beautiful thing in the world to me, he still manages to surprise and fascinate me every time I see him. Maybe part of it is due to my Links, who knows. But lately I just keep finding myself speechless when I'm with him, reduced to silent amazement because of the color of his eyes, or the sound of his voice, or the way he moves, or anything really. Maybe that's the good side of the memory thing too! Either way, every night I just chill out with him and Laurie and no matter how familiar he is to me, no matter how completely I know him, it still feels like I'm seeing him for the first time, somehow. Laurie too, actually... but she still won't let me get close! I can't forget the few times she has made exceptions for me, though... her eyes are really pretty but I think she'd hit me if I said so, haha. But with her the newness is literal, so it's stronger, but only in that sense. The fascination is constant and almost innocently powerful. I hope it never goes away.

All right, I really hope that's all I needed to say for tonight because it's 1:30AM, I can't think straight enough to type any longer, and I have a ton of work to do tomorrow anyway so sleep is needed.
I'll review my recent entries for the sake of topic structure and if anything needs to be discussed or explained further I'll do that within the next few days.
As of now, I am exhausted but still smiling so I wish you all a good night.