couldn't live without

[prismaticbleed]

 
 

 

SESSION PARTICIPANTS
LAURIE UBERICH JEWEL LIGHTRAYE



...Laurie?

The heck do you want.

I just want to talk.

Yeah, well, we were supposed to talk earlier today, and maybe if we did this disaster wouldn't have happened. Really, we were supposed to talk several bloody times over the past few months and has any of that come through? No. You keep screwing everything up.

I know.

This moral cowardice needs to stop. You have a daughter to protect now, and you know it.

...

Hurts, doesn't it?

...More than I can take.

Then stop bloody taking it, for her sake. We both know that's your problem.

I'm confusing realities, Laurie. I'm seeing my own ideas and feelings in everything, where they don't even exist or apply by any stretch of the imagination.

You're being obtrusive as always, huh?

...I suppose so.

Too much hope.

I have far too much hope, Laurie...

...Confound it. How many bloody times are we going to have this conversation?

I really hope this is the... the last time. There's that hope again... I really need to stop thinking about it.

That's what I wanted to discuss. Does the 'you attract what you emit' thing play into this or what?

Obviously. For some reason I can't stop thinking about how I've suffered from this in the past. I see my scars and the pain hits me again. I see a mirror and it's like a bullet to the brain. And all those reminders, that unwanted focus, keep bringing this situation back to the forefront. I don't know what to do about it, other than letting go, and for some horribly ironic reason that is a lot harder than it should be. It's like trying to drop a suitcase but realizing that your bones have somehow knotted from the strain and you can't loosen them anymore, even though the weight is more than you can handle anymore.

Sounds like it. So what do you do?

I need to... cut myself off from triggers again, I guess. That's just... a lot harder than it sounds, too.

This the static problem?

...Yeah.

Have you brought this up to them?

NO. No, I refuse to talk about that to anyone and ironically, again, that is currently the one traumatic memory my mind refuses to acknowledge, because it is so disturbing.

I think it's still disturbing you though. More than ever. Otherwise this ship would not be going down.

I think it is, too. In the back of my mind. The details have been scratched out, but they still left a huge and ugly mark, and I think that's what my mind is obsessing over, if only in a 'car crash' way. It's horrific and it's terrifying, but you can't look away.

Why not?

...I think that's where my pain addiction comes back in, at least partly. I'm a lot more morbid than I should be because of what I've gone through with this. I keep remembering the knives and the blood and the psych ward and although I never want to go through that again, I'm stuck between that and this.

Or you can just blast a hole through the bloody wall and leave the freakin' building.

I should. But how would I do that?

You're the Seer, you tell me.

I'm a Spark, now, with how I keep shifting. Like... what starts a fire, or a star, or a song. A Cause.

Of Hope, still?

Yeah.

Huh. Sounds like you need to find the right hope, then.

I don't know what to do though. Laurie, I always say that "you get a second chance every second," but it's working like a memory wipe and it's doing that to all the forgiveness and healing too. I keep finding myself facing this situation, and thinking, "maybe this time I'll find something good in it. Maybe this time it won't hurt, it won't be so frightening." I hope, I always hope, that "this time will be different." And it never is.

That's one of your biggest curses and biggest blessings right there.

Maybe the biggest. Did I tell you I've already legitimately forgotten that Julie was responsible for all my old hacks?

You're kidding me.

No, I'm not. I honestly forgot that she ever hurt me at all.

...Jewel, I'm not condemning your depth of forgiveness or anything, but God help you, you need to at LEAST have some sort of defense up.

And I don't.

No, you bloody well don't. Second chances every second, and you forget why the heck you had walls up in the first place. Then you tear them down and hey, now I remember! Except you've just had your entire arm torn off or your face smashed in or your mind scarred for a literal hell of a long time. Again.

And it keeps happening.

Honestly it's like you're falling down a spiral staircase. Don't you always dream about stairs? Do you ever fall down the bloody things?

No, actually...

Well guess what? That's because you're doing enough falling in the waking. You run up to the top and forget that there's a missing step or something like that and geez, this all goes back to you forgetting, doesn't it?

Forgiving and forgetting.

You have that principle so twisted it's a tragedy.

...

Let's go back a bit, sheesh. My mind is reeling.

Why?

Because we have had this same bloody conversation, over and over, far too many bloody times already! I don't care how much synchronicity you have with Celebi, this is taking it way too far.

Laurie, this is happening because we still haven't gotten to the bottom of this yet.

And why the heck not? We know what's causing this.

Well... maybe. I don't know. It just seems that new reasons keep coming up all the time.

Like what?

Like the forgiving and forgetting, first of all. Then there's the hope that never dies even when it's only doing me harm. That ties into me seeing ideals and things where there are none. Like... like how I always use terms and phrases that don't mean what they would to a typical person. You know how I always redefine words and assume everyone else uses the same meaning, because I see something totally different in it? And songs, that's probably the best example! I don't know if that's pure projection or what, which is bad, but like if someone is listening to... to a song that I've associated with you, or Chaos, or something like that, I automatically assume that they're getting the SAME feelings from it that I do, even if there's no way that would be possible! And so I keep throwing myself into troublesome situations because I don't see the trouble. I've taken something that the world has strictly and irreversibly defined as one thing, and my hope and freaking naivete makes me see something entirely different...

And then you suffer for it. I know.

But... I don't know, I just... why do I keep doing this? Why don't I ever learn?

Kid, if I knew, I'd have told you already.

...I don't want to hurt anyone else anymore. And I think that's a big part of this too.

What do you mean?

I... Chaos... Chaos didn't suffer like I did. I gave him my hope, everything. I gave him everything, that I saw and felt and hoped for. So I was left with nothing but the original, awful thing, and it hurt like you wouldn't believe, and it scared me to death because there was such a huge break between us and I didn't realize that I had caused it. I kept getting it confused. I kept thinking that we were experiencing the exact same thing when we WEREN'T. Ever!

Is this what happened on Thursday?

I don't remember what day it was. But yeah, last week, twice. Totally sacrificed myself for his sake and then got freaking scared out of my mind when I thought... it's ironic. It really is. There was a day or two when, because I failed to realize the uncrossable break between our experiences, I thought that my hope was actually legitimate, that maybe there was something redeemable about what I had suffered through, and that was one of the most horrifying things I've ever felt.

Why?

...I think maybe at heart, I understood that there was no hope for it. No matter how many times I put myself through hell it wouldn't change. It would stay painful and damaging and it would never stop hurting me and the people I loved, no matter what I did. But I couldn't accept that, somehow. I kept suffering because I couldn't accept that. And then last week happened, and for an instant it felt like maybe there WAS hope, and the thought of suffering through that again and again to find it was unbearable.

Then maybe you should've realized that earlier. I'm getting pretty confused, though. You're saying you were deliberately denying the fact that you felt there was no hope in the situation?

Yes. At heart I felt there wasn't, but that was unacceptable because I had already been through hell at it's hands. So if there wasn't hope for it, if it was 'irredeemable,' then all I had suffered in the name of hope was 'sinful' or 'condemnable,' I guess.

There's that bloody perfectionist streak of yours again.

Too much black and white, yeah...

So why did it scare you so much to think that it was redeemable?

Because that wasn't reconcilable with the darkness I had felt from it. If it was redeemable, then I'd have to 'find' that redemption, and even though that was what I was trying to do, I really did not want to. So facing the possibility of hope was more of a slap in the face than anything.

You've been putting yourself through hell for no bloody reason, wake the heck up?

Basically. But I didn't realize that until something put me 'in the right.' I had been too hopeful to pay attention to my own moral screaming and pain up to that point. Then it dared to almost justify it, and immediately that same voice of conscience shouted "no, that isn't right!" There was a huge war inside my mind when that happened and I had no idea what to think.

So you had to be specifically told that what you were doing might be worthwhile, for you to consider whether or not you even wanted to do it?

I guess? It's hard to explain. I suffered because I had hope, but I think I just... that's it, I think I was fighting for the idea of that hope, again! Because MY idea of hope in it was what I so desperately wanted to find! But the 'hope' it offered when I failed to realize that Chaos HAD the idea, was so different from what I so desperately wanted, it shocked me into awareness. That 'hope' wasn't real hope at all. It pointed towards a totally different door that wouldn't have redeemed it at all. But my own hope still lingered, and it made me doubt myself... man I hope this is making sense.

I think I get it. You were looking for your purity again, but when you thought that it might be there after all, that possibility clashed so harshly with what you already knew for sure, that it made you realize with sickening certainty that there really wasn't anything to suffer for, and you had been suffering for naught all this time.

Exactly. That's just how I would have put it.

I figured. Gotta work with what you understand, kid. So what now?

What do you mean, what now?

What the heck are you going to do to fix this? There's no hope, there's nothing to look for in it. There isn't, and don't you dare try to convince yourself otherwise, after all this torture.

...I'll have to stay very conscious then.

Yeah, that's step number one, and the most important one. But I'm also talking about the 'attraction' nonsense. You know the hope is why you haven't let go of that either.

Is it?

Well, duh. You keep looking back, trying to see if there was a glimmer of light in it, but there isn't, and while you're looking for it you fail to notice that the shadows are choking you again.

...Sounds accurate enough.

No kidding, I saw that happen to you two days ago.

You did?

Who's your psycho guardian angel? Me. Of course I saw. You need to be really bloody careful, J. You're being too innocent. You're looking for white in black places and trust me, you aren't going to find any.

I'm slowly realizing that.

Man, Hope really is a fitting epithet for you. You've got too bloody much of it and it's dedicated to the wrong bloody reasons. You've gotta get your act together, boy.

I do.

And yet Chaos is the one holding all your hope.

He's the only reason I have it.

Exactly. He's your heart, when you forget your own.

...Laurie, am I going too far?

Yes.

I mean with what I'm willing to do to find--

Yes, you're going way too bloody far. Self-sacrifice isn't noble when it's hurting everything you stand for and protect.

...

It isn't, and you have to stop this.

I don't know how I forgot that it hurts Xenophon. I don't know how.

Too much hope, kid. That and you were asleep.

Was I?

Well no kidding! You think that would've happened if you were awake? Get a clue, Jewel! How the blood do you keep slipping, anyway?

...I actually don't know? Maybe it's just because I was asleep for so long. It's still a bit tricky to keep my eyes open, no matter how much I want to.

Huh. Makes sense. But keep working on it.

I know. I will. I promise.

You'd better.

Do you think that's enough for this topic?

Why, you sick of it?

I don't know. Maybe. It just hurts to think about and I don't want to think about it.

I'm still concerned about that part, actually. That topic keeps haunting you in spite of what you just told me. Why?

I said it's too much hope.

Is it really?

...Misplaced ideas, then. Definitely. I'm confusing realities. I'm seeking the spiritual in the physical, where it cannot be found, not like that. I'm still viewing concepts and ideas and hopes as physically accessible when that's not even possible. I keep forgetting that the physical realm exists at all. I keep forgetting the danger it holds. I torture my physical form because I'm desperately hoping for the spiritual and that's all I'm focusing on and then when I snap back to attention I realize that I'm bleeding and it is terrifying.

That's still a problem, huh.

The biggest one.

Why the heck haven't we solved it yet?

Once again, too much hope, and I was unable to see that situation clearly, at all. Now that I'm talking to you about it, with the experience I've gained, I think I'll have a better time fighting it...

And I haven't heard that sentence a million times before.

...I try, Laurie. I do. And I do have a better grip on what to do, every time. But it... it's got so many sides to it. So many hidden facets, I guess.

It has one freakin' side and you keep projecting all the other ones onto the bloody thing.

...Is that what I'm doing?

Yeah, it is. We've been trying to get over this single problem for years now, and in my eyes the bloody thing has not changed. To you it's never the same twice.

But... but what about June?

That was you operating on ideas and hopes again and although our conversation about that is STILL relevant, that no longer applies. You needed that one incident to clear your old spectrum. Now you're screwing it up again because you got preoccupied with the 'spiritual' level. Stop it.

So I'm really just... projecting. Hoping. Seeing things where they aren't.

Yeah. Why the heck do you keep asking me? What's keeping you from believing it?

...I don't know.

You don't know.

No. I don't think so... maybe it's just my perfectionist side. I want to make sure everything we're saying is exact, so I don't 'mess up' or anything.

Well guess what? You're bloody 'messing up' just by doing that. Stop being so black and white. Stop trying to get everything 'just so'. You know what you have to do, and if you have to break the bleeding rules to do it then so be it.

I'm tired of being so scared of failure.

It's going to be hard to grow out of, yeah. At least you can tell it's a problem.

It is. It shackles me to this hell, really. 'I have to make sure, beyond a doubt, that this is exactly true!' Geez, and who's authority am I going by? If every person has a different answer, if all these moral quandaries can't be objectively labeled in the first place, why the heck am I so terrified of being 'wrong?' Really, I don't know. It's some sort of baseless, illogical fear that I can't even explain because it's so ridiculous. It's a phantom, something so flimsy that it falls apart the moment I focus on it.

That's called being aware of what you're doing. Keep that up.

Good. I need to.

We still gonna have a talk tomorrow?

I hope so. My morning schedule is already rather booked, but I want to discuss this with at least our core group before... well, before Thursday.

Good idea. This one's really important, huh?

Zero equals infinity, yeah...

I'm getting a rifle recoil reference there.

You should be. That man's music means way too much to us by this point.

Yeah, no kidding. Brought Xenophon about, huh?

Well... indirectly?

Hahaha.

I'm worried about her, though, and I don't even know why. I think maybe it's worry about my own sorry situation, being echoed onto her, because she cares about me so much.

Uh, excuse me? I do too.

...

A heck of a lot of us do, J. Including the reason why you're celebrating this Friday instead of just the weekend.

...I don't know how to feel about what I've done to him, though.

The heck do you mean, 'what you've done to him?'

With my misguided hope.

Dude, you already said that he 'got the ideas.' He doesn't exist on that fallen physical level, thank God. So there's no bloody way you could have done anything to him.

Are you sure?

Are you kidding? How many times have he and I already assured you of that? Geez.

I guess... I'm just terrified of the possibility.

Jewel. For heaven's sake. You said it yourself. You gave your hope to him. You went looking for purity and honesty and spiritual purpose and he already had that, you just got really bloody confused because you were applying something completely different to yourself and THAT'S why we're still dealing with this problem. You couldn't reconcile the differences between your experiences simply because you failed to realize that they weren't the same bloody experience at ALL.

Really?

Do you want me to get him in here? Go ask him yourself. Oh wait, you already did. Why the heck are you still questioning this then?

I told you, because I'm scared.

Of what? Because obviously it's not of him being wrong, as I know you wouldn't doubt him.

...I think that's misplaced too. I'm scared because I already misapplied that hope. I'm scared because I came so close to hurting him, had it not been for that blessed reality split.

Ironically.

Maybe not even. But we'll get to that. The fact is that I was looking for hope where it couldn't be found, but I was so desperate to get it right that I somehow dragged him into it--

He chose to be 'dragged into it', Jewel. He wanted to protect you, to get you to see what the heck was actually going on, but unfortunately you couldn't see anything clearly and frankly he was going about it the wrong way.

Maybe...

Yeah, he was. It got you really bleeding confused and I don't blame him for trying, but geez, you couldn't see straight so how the heck were you going to see that? I'll talk to him about that later, but you need to at least accept that he's okay, save for his concern for you, and although yeah, you screwed up big time, at least now you can make sure that doesn't ever happen again.

I will. And I want this to be the last time I ever have to make that promise. I want this to be IT. I want this solved for good.

Well I think we're pretty darn close.

We are?

Yeah, no kidding. This year has been phenomenal in terms of development and learning and all that jazz. We've made exponential progress. And now your anniversary is coming up, and really, if that's not going to be one of the most significant events of the year I'm going to be pretty freakin' surprised.

I wouldn't blame you, no.

So. Now what?

Discussion-wise?

Yeah. I think we've beaten this dead horse long enough. You need some serious sleep after what you went through today.

Wait, wait.

What?

Well, first off, it's not dead, it's still very relevant.

Yeah, but we've said all we can say about it already, and these conversations always end up echoing each other because you still haven't taken that one big step out of it yet.

Which one, the self-doubt?

That and the black-and-white hope problem. Maybe we didn't fully understand all that before, but it was there.

True.

Now what the heck did you interrupt me for?

Uh... what do I do about the static?

What do you mean? Getting rid of it?

Well, that, and... that first, actually. I don't want to go near it again but I don't want it scarring me.

Then throw it the heck out. You can do that, can't you?

I guess so. I'll have to try. I just don't want it to come back, and that's the real problem.

Oh. You need help with that then, huh?

Yeah. No matter how much my mind tries to convince itself that it was just another case of bad fiction lag, I know it was real, and that is... traumatic, really.

No kidding.

And it's now the biggest trigger I have, as well as what's fueling my current slips. To say the least.

So just let go of it. Or are you having bone problems?

Was that a pun?

Is Spine suffering from this too?

I... inevitably. I am so sorry.

Take that up with her, not me. But you really need to stop dwelling on that triggering memory because it is causing inner projection problems and those are literally deadly.

I know.

But I think you don't want to let go of it.

...I do. I just... I don't know if I can run from it. It's there, whether I like it or not.

Yeah, no kidding... also, can I just say that this music is actually gorgeous?

Thanks. It's Kyle Landry's stuff. He's a huge inspiration to me right now.

I'm not surprised. Anyway. Why can't you run?

...That's a touchy subject. I... well, would it be selfish if I allowed that 'static' to get between me and... that side of the situation?

Not if it's bloody triggering you to death.

But you said to let go of it.

I said to let go of dwelling on it so freaking much. I didn't say ignore the fact that it hurts like hell, and if you put yourself directly into that situation you are going to suffer whether you like it or not.

So what do I do? That kind of changes a lot of plans, Laurie.

Does it really? I think you've been denying your own needs again.

I can't tell.

No kidding. You don't know what you need, not that far ahead, not in such a general sense. But I'll tell you one thing, right now, in total honesty. You do NOT need that.

...

I'm serious. I've seen how you've been reacting to it lately. You think that when you start shutting things out like you are that there isn't a problem? You're doing the exact same thing you did back in 2008. This is a serious problem, and with this added static, you do not need this torture.

I don't want to hurt anyone.

Tough. If they allow it to hurt them it will. If they don't, it won't. Hey, there's some good advice for you!

It... it is, yeah.

Don't deny the freaking pain, though. There is a careful balance there.

So... if it hurts, accept that it's there, but don't let it rule my actions and thoughts?

Exactly. The static is bloody terrifying, huh?

You have no idea.

Yeah, and thank God I don't. But... actually, wait up. Are you sure you don't want me to know about that stuff?

Yes. Oh man, Laurie, God help me but I don't ever want something like that touching you. I want to keep you safe from that.

Huh. Well that's... an unusual reaction. Was it really that freaking bad?

Yeah.

Hm. Well. Point still stands. I don't know what it is, I don't want to, you don't want me to either. But it's hurting you more than I'm happy with, and you seem to be letting it because you're afraid you're going to hurt yourself even more if you 'let go,' right?

Yeah.

Because of the other side of the situation.

I don't know why I'm so concerned about that.

You're compassionate, kid. Sometimes too much so. You've been hurt, unintentionally, sure, but hurt is hurt. Problem is you're letting that rot in the back of your mind and it's causing a lot of disease up front. Let the rotten thing go. Accept that it happened, and that it hurt, and that it's a problem you CANNOT ignore. But don't let the bloody thing taint your every waking moment!

What do I do about it, though?

What can you do about it? Last time I checked, you had exactly 0% influence on that situation and everything surrounding it.

You know, I think there's another side to this. I feel weirdly... betrayed?

Betrayed?

Deceived. Lied to by omission, maybe. Not offended, no, but deeply unsettled. Like... I know why that never came to the surface. That is dead obvious. But the fact that it was still under the rug while I was being invited in just... really, really disturbs me.

I don't blame you.

So what do I do? I don't want to bring it up or anything. I'd rather leave it under the rug. If that's where you want to keep it, fine. But don't expect me to go anywhere near it, please.

Then say that to them.

I can't. I told you I don't even want to think about this.

But it's obviously causing a heck of a lot of tension. And then like I said, you have the shutout problem from three years ago happening again. They're going to wonder.

I don't want them to. Geez, I just... can we please drop this subject? I'd rather leave that in the shadows and move on.

Leaving it in the shadows doesn't change the fact that it's strongly affecting you and you're not going to be able to keep up the act, J.

I was traumatized, okay? I've been through... no, that's me refusing to let go of the past again.

Acknowledge that it hurt. Don't get dragged down by it.

Okay. I went through hell. I don't know how that applies to this.

Same bloody topic.

...I guess, bottom line is, I'm deeply disturbed by all this and although I can't really judge it is still not something I can associate with or be anywhere near. Stuff like that.

You don't want anything to do with it.

Yeah. But it's skewing my perspective something fierce. I can't understand it, at all, and it feels totally and utterly wrong to me. That's fueling my doubt/hope problem, and it's causing me to torture myself again because I can't accept that even if I see it as completely unacceptable, someone else might not, and that doesn't make either of our viewpoints invalid, because I guess stuff like that is subjective?

You just can't accept the fact that something that was so black to you can be relatively problem-free for someone else.

I guess not. Is that safe to do? Is it right?

I don't think that's any of your concern, really. Take care of yourself first. If it's not something you have an objective answer to, like this bloody topic, then don't even bother. Other people have their own lives and they need to figure out their own problems on their own.

I guess so.

I know so. You're lucky you have me, but heck, most people don't.

How does that apply to...?

Because I help you figure out this mess. That's because you're too bloody naive and hopeful to stick to your guns, though. You feel your own truths strongly, but you respect those of others just as much, and the problem is you keep putting people on pedestals even through all this hellish static, and it's hurting you really freaking bad.

Am I really doing that?

Why the heck else would you still be trying to justify their actions to yourself? You hold other people in such high esteem that the thought that they might be doing something 'irreconcilable' in some sense is unacceptable. So you put yourself through hell for their sake. That's where the misguided hope comes from too, Jewel. Your hope is different from theirs, but you still kept pushing on because their hope is still valid to you.

Isn't it?

Not if you're choking on your own blood for their sake. Altruism in moderation, boy. Let them solve their own freaking problems for heaven's sake.

...

You don't have to be everyone's hero. That's called being obtrusive.

Haha, I suppose so...

I'm serious.

So am I.

Then stop it. Be your own hero and let everyone else do the same.

But can't I still help people?

Only if they ask for it. Don't barge on in there because you have some sort of savior complex. If they have their doors open, and you won't be screwing anything up by projecting or something equally myopic, then you can walk over and ask if you're what they're looking for. Otherwise, stay on your own freakin' side of the street.

...

Give it a shot, at least. If nothing else it'll take a heck of a lot of stress off your back.

All right. But...

But you're still a father, huh.

...

She's trying to be your hero too, you know. Be careful.

...I'll have to be. I don't want her putting herself in harms way for my sake.

Too bad, that's what love does sometimes.

I mean... I... is that bad?

Look at that butterfly boy you know. You can go too bloody far.

...

Chaos too.

God knows, I know.

You do the same for them both.

You do that for me! Laurie, how many times have you--

That's my bloody job, Jewel.

It's not a job. Not like that. Now you're the one redefining words.

I'm using your definition.

...

Fine, it's not a job. It's my life. You're my life. Of course I'm going to do everything I can for you. But guess what? You ASK me to. You rely on me, you look up to me, and so help me but if that's not explicit permission to help however I possibly can then I don't know what is. Point is, how many people outside of our little gang do that for you? Not many, huh?

I... I guess not, no. That's actually surprising.

Because you assume. You've got that protector streak and you kinda feel guilty when you can't help, or when you aren't asked. You take it personally.

Sometimes.

Work on it. In the meantime, yeah, I'm still your 'superego,' you're still a 'father' in our sense of the word, which you also need to be seriously careful with, and Chaos loves you just as much as you love him. And that's a lot of love. But I repeat, don't put yourself on death's doorstep for our sakes if you can help it.

Not worth it, huh?

No, it's not. You think I like seeing you suffer like this? In a way I appreciate the thought, sure, but the bloody thing is misplaced, and suffering isn't always the best option, Jewel.

I wouldn't want to see you at death's doorstep if you could help it, either.

Exactly. Now we're talking. So listen to Delphi and do this thing in moderation, aiite?

Sounds good to me.

There you go. There's the closest thing you're gonna get to a New Year's resolution.

That and to stop being a perfectionist.

True. Guess what time it is.

Too late?

It's late enough. You all right to close this up now?

Possibly.

You want to talk about the blue guy, don't you.

I always want to talk about Chaos. I just do.

That's called love overflow and you have an ocean's worth of it. So what's the topic?

Concerning him?

Well, obviously.

Um... well we already discussed how worried I was about him concerning my recent fallout.

And I assured you he is fine. Just really worried. Kind of like me.

I'm not surprised.

So what's next up? Your anniversary?

I guess. Yeah, actually, that works. I'm worried because all this fallout is also a side effect of... exhaustion, on all levels, and because of that burning me out I haven't been able to spend any real time with him since October 12th. Ditto that with you.

Hm. And you guys had a bit of a tough time for about a month preceding that, too, right?

As far as I remember, yeah.

Time flies, huh?

Oh man, you bet. Can you believe I wasn't really centered until July? And we didn't find out what Xenophon was to us until September! It all feels like a lifetime ago.

Well, time isn't linear, and you're the one wearing the trenchcoats and red bows.

Only sometimes.

That's enough time for it to work, kid. Zero is infinity, right?

Precisely what I want to discuss.

Haha, sure. Lay it on me.

Well... I don't want any of this fallout to affect this Friday. I want to be with him, no matter what.

Hey, remember what I said about the self-sacrifice.

Oh. Sorry. Within reason, then. I won't go playing board games with Death just to achieve that.

You would, though.

I would, but it wouldn't be the best option.

Now we're talking. So what, is that why we're still discussing stuff on here at this hour? You want to make sure everything is perfect for Friday, hello again irony?

Very funny, and I actually wouldn't mind if that was the case.

Well no kidding, love is love. But you do realize you already have the answers to solving this. We discussed 'em all, and even if we didn't you know you've got them all at heart the way it is.

Was that a pun too?

Could be. Depends on whether or not you hoped it was.

Then that's a yes. Do you mind?

Heh, no. But enough of the injokes. You going to settle this for Friday?

Unavoidably. Absolutely. I couldn't not settle it.

No, I think you're missing my point. I don't just mean calming down about this subject like you are now. I mean legitimately getting over the perfectionism and hero complex and all that. I mean realizing that you messed up in the past but that's done and over with. Forgive yourself for once, really. Leave that trouble in the past and live in the now, as you always say you're trying to do. Do it. Let the static be where it is, don't get all agitated over it, buy some freakin' gray paint, and let everyone else live their own lives unless they specifically ask you to intervene. And even then you have a CHOICE whether or not you accept that offer!

That last part is important, yeah.

No kidding. "Hey, can you help me out?" means you need to honestly check your own reserves and abilities, and you have every right to say "sorry, I'd love to, but if I did I'd probably end up landing a full-time job pushing up daisies..."

Oh geez, haha, that's one way to put it.

Hey, I'm not wrong, and that's the point. You can say something along those lines, you know. "Can you help me" does not translate to "if you don't help me, you're a failure as a human being and your obvious lack of concern for my predicament is a damnable offense." Heck no. It means they'd appreciate it if you could help, but if you can't, you bloody can't-- and that doesn't mean you bite the bullet again and force yourself to say you can, either.

True.

Sure, but you're not doing it yet.

I'll put it into action starting right now.

You'd better. And we're way off topic, sorry.

Haha, that's okay. We were just saying what I need to work on in order for Friday to really be as... important? What word am I looking for?

Honest?

Honest. Yeah. I need to get myself straightened out before I can be as honest as I need to be. Before Friday can be really genuine, I need to get all the fear and doubt and regret out of myself.

Exactly. And you can ask him or me for help, you know.

What do you think we're doing right now, love. I needed to talk and here we are.

Well, whaddya know. You're right.

I will at least run this by Chaos tomorrow, or tonight, if you don't get to him first.

Considering the time, I'd leave that up to me. Talk to him tomorrow just to see what his perspective is on it. The guy's got some seriously good ideas when it comes to this sort of thing.

No kidding! We were actually discussing my 'idea projection' problem the other day and he came up with this brilliant metaphor for it concerning paint jobs... well maybe that was me, but he really cleared it up and it made a lot more sense once he was done with it.

That sounds like how you two work, yeah.

Very funny, Laur.

No, really. You're more unbound and spontaneous in communicating things like that. You're bursting with ideas but have no bloody idea how to put them into words, so you ramble on for a few paragraphs and then try to make sense of whatever you said. But Chaos is really tuned into you so he picks up on the essence of it. You start rambling and he catches those ideas and defines 'em for you. It works.

Yeah, it does. He helps to get me in working order, ironically.

Well you do the same thing to him, you know. It balances out. Yin-yang unions and all that.

True.

You guys going to bring that up on Friday or what?

The cosmically inseparable point? Well obviously, that's inevitable. Why?

Just curious. It's a really deep point.

It is. So that and rifle recoil are definitely on the list for the 23rd.

Haha, awesome.

It is! I mean really, that is some hardcore synchronicity. "If I'm ever blue" was a quote from the song "I do," which was on the album 0 = ∞, which was released in 2008. Come on.

2008 significance? Pray tell.

Really, Laurie. 2008 was the starting point for everything we're going through right now, in a sense. It was the catalyst.

Didn't the "rainbows" entry happen in 2008?

Uh... let me check... yes, yes it did. Wow.

What the heck, dude.

Hahaha, exactly!

Too much synchronicity with you two, everywhere.

Hey, it means something.

No kidding it means something. You two are really bloody important.

In what sense, love?

A couple of 'em. And what's with the sudden terms of endearment?

Not much. I just love you too is all.

Yeah, and don't I know it. But this week isn't about me. It's about you and Chaos.

True. But you do tie into that.

But this week still isn't about me.

I guess not, at least not in that sense.

It isn't. Don't be so afraid to cut me out of it. It's the truth.

I just hope I can pull it off.

What?

Friday. I'm going to have to put some serious time aside to get a heavy link in for that.

Then do that.

I will, that's for certain, but... I'm nervous, hilariously enough.

How the heck are you nervous?

I haven't been with him that closely in a while.

Well you've tried to be.

Sure, but trying to achieve it and actually getting there are two vastly different things. Plus, a lot has happened between October 12th and now, most notably me becoming rather shockingly fragile.

You've always been rather shockingly fragile, and you two didn't even fully connect on the 12th. I would have remembered that.

True... anyway, I meant more fragile than previously. I don't know if it's because of how different the few hacks I've had have been, or what, but I'm like... emotionally raw right now.

How so?

I am really, really fragile. In a clear way. I'm not saying it's a bad thing, but I know that if I get that close to him, especially after last week, I am going to absolutely shatter.

Hey, that's what happened on January 16th, and that didn't end badly at all.

Geez, Laurie, one impossible spirit kid is enough, no matter how much I love her.

That's not what I was insinuating, you maniac. I just meant that it's not bad. It's honest, which is what you want. It's selfless, which is what you want. I say you keep that fragility going until Friday, which means stop ignoring your honest emotions and forgive yourself from what you didn't do wrong last week.

I... yeah, I do need to do that.

To answer your unasked question, yeah, you didn't screw up as badly as you thought you did. You slipped today, sure. But on Friday, or whenever the heck it was, you may have lost your footing for a while but all things considered, you actually managed to pull through that decently well.

I still shouldn't have been in that situation.

Maybe. Maybe not. But you didn't hurt Chaos and you didn't scar from it, even if it did scare you because you got your thoughts all mixed up as usual. Refer back to everything we've said tonight if you're already unsure on that again.

The guilt is still sticking around because I know how badly I messed up my hope, and I should have known better.

True. But you don't need to drown in guilt from it.

I guess not.

Chaos is fine, I'll say that again.

I know he's fine, I just... at the time, I had no idea what to think because I didn't recognize the split. You know, how I was stuck in the physical.

Yeah, you do need to pay more attention there.

But he's okay. And that is what threw me off the most because I didn't understand why. I do now, and I won't go back to abusing deceased equines, but I just want to reiterate for my own sake that the reason he was so 'blameless' compared to me is because he never held what I considered blameworthy in the first place.

And you need to stop being so bloody hard on yourself about that in any case. You know he loves you. He does. I don't think he realized how viciously you were judging yourself at the time, but you and I both know that if he felt you were in serious danger he would NOT have let anything happen.

I know. And in a weird way I kind of... wasn't in danger, then. Only because he was there.

Well, you were getting dangerously close to danger and we both know that too. But he did keep you from going over the edge, or slipping off.

I know.

Hey, better idea. Talk about this stuff to him instead of me. I'm only speaking as a guardian here. I can't talk about the actual scenario because I wasn't there. I'm only speaking from what I know of it, and what I know of how you invariably react to such things.

I think I will run that by him again, yeah. But we're kind of off topic!

Again.

Yep.

I think that's because it's way too late to really get involved in that sort of topic.

Maybe.

No, really. You're already starting a slow shutdown, and I'm just trying to get the major concerns through to you before that happens. I'm sorry if we are 'off topic,' but really, we should have a conversation with him before the 23rd gets here and maybe that'll be the better option here.

Makes sense. I mean, there's only so much I can say about the guy anyway before I dissolve into weird poetic love-induced language.

Man, you write some good stuff in those states though.

I know, but they wear me out too. And the point is that I talk about Chaos way too much the way it is.

"Way too much" by whose standards?

Not mine, haha.

Well there you go. You want to talk? Go right ahead. I do not mind.

Stupid question.

Stupid answer, throw it at me.

Relationship dynamics, really. I was teasing Chaos about being frenemies with you for no real reason. Feedback?

I already told you I don't hate people but that's hilarious. Still, Chaos is the same, deep down in all that water, and you know that better than I do, J. He gets really freaking angry, yeah, but he also cares way too bloody much. It's why he gets so bent out of shape. He never really hated me, just what I did. Yes, I know exactly what incident you're thinking about. And, again, I've never hated him either.

Yeah. Sorry. I guess that was a very sleep-deprived question.

That and you are obviously trying to segue into heart discussion.

Well maybe not literally.

Haha, that is such a weak spot for you.

It really really is. That gets us back on topic too. Friday. Fragility. Shattering and things.

You think that if he gets close enough you're going to fall to pieces in a good way.

Well yeah. But being that fragile is kind of... intimidating?

To whom?

Me? That's not the right word, really. It's... kind of. Overwhelming.

Ah.

Yeah. Maybe somewhat apprehensive. It's not bad and I'm not scared. Just... I know that it is so freaking true that I am going to feel so much from him and with our Virtue feedback that is going to be...

Insane.

To say the least.

How does your Virtue feedback work again?

Well he's an empath through his name, and I hold Catharsis. So mine works as an amplifier. He feels stuff from me the way it is, but with my feedback that doubles it to and from him, and mine naturally makes everything stronger, and I don't know how to explain it at this hour because my specific language skills are not working.

You're going into dissolving poet mode.

Precisely. Practically. Possibly. I'm not sure what I'm talking about.

You're running on a dangerous amount of fatigue and you are seriously stressed from what you've been going through recently, and what you are about to go through during this lovely holiday week.

It is lovely.

No kidding. But seriously, you should really get to sleep.

Not yet, Laurie. I say interesting things at this hour. No barriers. Kind of floaty? All snow-like.

Ah, Apprentice mode.

Yeah! Kind of. Sparkles. The... the feeling I got in that dream, under the searchlight.

I know what you mean, yeah. Wide-eyed wonder and all that, huh?

Mm-hmm.

I really think you should sign off and go talk to Chaos like this. You remember the last time that happened, don't you?

I think so. I remember the love one. Paragraphs.

Heh, yeah. He told me he wished he had written that all down. Apparently you got really eloquent.

Poet mode, Laurie. It happens. But I felt the truth and wanted to say it. Three words hold the essence of billions and I was just trying to catch at least a glimmer of that. Just to explain it.

I know, we've discussed this. So you insist on staying logged in, then.

Yeah. For a little while longer. Give me a topic.

Give you a topic?

Sure. Go ahead.

Kaleidoscopes.

What?

I just thought of that. A few months back already, I remember Chaos mentioning something about a 'kaleidoscope' metaphor you'd come up with? We never got to discuss that. So there's your topic. Tell me about this kaleidoscope thing.

Okay. It was a way of describing people and relationships and things. I thought of how some people go through life looking for a specific person. "I want the perfect man or woman." They have to fit this criteria and I won't settle for less! That kind of thing.

Yeah.

So that bothered me. I wondered how many people they missed that way? I never really stuck to one person. I loved a lot of people and I wanted to do that forever. I never had a type or a criteria list or a perfect person! I started doing that later for unknown reasons and maybe that was perfectionist too but it made me think of the kaleidoscopes. You've got... all these little pieces in there. Stars and hearts and sequins and bits of glitter or whatever. I don't know. But lots of different shapes in different sizes and colors and there's so many of them. Right?

Sure.

Man I am floating away. Give me a second. So I thought that's a good way of describing the cumulative result of a relationship search. Treating it as one entire object, not just a concept? I suppose. But looking for one person, one specific sort of man or woman or whatever, is like only wanting one certain shape or size or color piece in your kaleidoscope because that's your favorite. Well when you do find that piece you think you're all set, but then you realize that's the only piece you have and it bothers you because you weren't really thinking of the whole picture. First off, a person isn't a goal to set. A person is a person. Even if they do fit your criteria they can change. They can be a circle today and a triangle tomorrow. Purple on Tuesdays and gold on Christmas, who knows. But even so, you only have one piece if that's all you've focused on. Some people are so bent on getting a 'perfect relationship' that they ignore their friends and families in the process. You're leaving out all those pieces! So to get back on topic, what makes kaleidoscopes so beautiful is that every time you look at them they are different, all flowing and moving and sparkling. And there are so many different pieces in them. So a life should have relationships like that. Have people that you love in so many different ways and let them be however they are, wherever and whenever they are too, because you can't put love in a box or you start to forget how it shines when the light is free to dance through it. You can't label it as 'this or that and nothing else' or you're not going to get the same beautiful display you would if it was free to grow and just be itself. I know it was a long time before we had that labeling conversation, Laurie, but you made me think of kaleidoscopes, and so thank you for putting all these purple diamonds in my life because they're gorgeous.

Heh. That's amazing. And you are forever welcome for those diamonds.

That made sense, right? I hope.

I think it made more sense than it would have if you tried to discuss it in that sober perfectionist mindset of yours, kid.

Outside of the early morning hours I am just a chilled out secretly volatile snowstorm.

That's me too, kid, but without the ice, obviously.

You, are a thunderstorm. Stormclouds with the night sky still showing through. Something like that. Lightning and constellations.

All right, you seriously need sleep.

No wait. Poetic.

What, are you going to seriously write about Chaos Zero at this hour? It's almost 1 AM, Jewel.

I don't know. I don't think I'm that far gone.

I'd be concerned if you were. You seriously need recovery time after today. Get your butt to work.

Oh dude, my boss. He misses me and I miss him. I was just talking to him.

Join the club, I think I have more discussions with him than you do.

Maybe. I wouldn't know. But you probably do. I'm always so exhausted at night.

Seriously, why the hell do you want to stay awake right now?

It's quiet and this music is awesome and I miss talking to you.

Well we were supposed to have one of these bloody things every week this year, you know. But then the freaking psych ward happened.

And you were supposed to swear less, sweetheart.

Too bleeding bad, sparkleface, I do what I want.

Haha. No it's okay, I honestly do not mind. But I would like to talk more, except this is very tiring, and hey maybe that's why I'm doing a slow shutdown.

Sheesh, are you still coping with psychic exhaustion on top of this?

Maybe. I don't know. I do have a bit of a headache but those have been pretty common recently.

Geez. No, I can't have you burning out this week. Close this up.

Can we talk tomorrow? I think I just miss you, a lot.

Yeah, if we have time we'll talk tomorrow.

Sorry for sounding so utterly high right now. It's hilarious but even though I'm trying to communicate clearly I am just floating and it is hard to speak in a less disjointed manner?

That's it. You close this up and go spend at least two minutes with Chaos just to see what sort of language he pulls out of you. Aiite?

Sounds good to me. I hope you don't mind if I change the music.

To what-- oh, Dare Gale. I swear you are addicted to this song.

It is so pretty. It's perfect for this hour. It sounds like an ocean. Remember the night we all sang together?

Oh yeah. Man, you channeled this one, didn't you.

First time I heard it, yeah. So I'm partial to it.

And we all played "I do," didn't we.

Yeah. You and that guitar. I love it. It's obligatory to listen to that song when it's on shuffle, no matter how long it is.

I don't know, Jewel.

Don't know what?

Just you. I think I get what you mean by saying how bleeding honest you are at this hour.

Am I effervescing?

I think so, yeah.

Good. That means I'm not blocked off. I was afraid maybe I was. But fear just kind of melts off when I'm like this.

Maybe that's unconsciously why you're sticking around, you think?

Makes sense. But I think I will go give some of this to Chaos and see what it does to him. Us.

You'd better.

I can't stop feeling about Friday. As opposed to thinking. I'm not anxious but wow. It's significant and really it's making me feel like one of those golden waterfall fireworks? Christmas tree lights. Or frozen raindrops, you know like when it rains and it freezes on the trees and in the morning everything is made of crystal. Rainbows, everywhere.

That's what you feel like, huh.

On the inside. Thanks to him. As usual. But... this song. The chords in it, just... you know what Chaos feels like when he's kind of like this? Up late and way too honest by somebody's standards and feeling more than he can keep to himself? He feels like city streetlights and... and faded photographs and stars. Like looking up at the sky at night, and everything is quiet around you but you can feel the life in it all... and the stars are out but not the moon so it's this silent sort of otherworldly glow. Like a promise. Like that night I stood out on the ocean docks and looked up through billions of lightyears and there wasn't a sound but my heart, and maybe a language I couldn't hear in words. Like that.

...

Seriously he is gorgeous and I know I say that all the time but he is. And that word does him no justice. Laurie I don't know if you get that with anyone but when I look at him it just, it kills me. It's death and rebirth all over again. It's a second chance every second but the right way, and I know I misplace hope but that isn't it, that is complete certainty, that is turning it into faith. Faith in the impossible because nothing is impossible really. Have you ever seen how blue he is? I... and his eyes, God, his eyes are the most beautiful things in the world. I can't put words to those. Laurie, when he talks to me at night I end up in tears because there he is, this ancient strange creature, this god of destruction and this oceanic maelstrom... this absolute paragon of inspiration, that's why I write about him all the time, I can't help it. But he talks to me and he's right there, just like that, this amazing individual and the way he looks at me is incomparable. I could write about that for the rest of my life and I couldn't describe it. I can't believe it. Chaos Zero, he loves me, do you have any idea how beautiful that is? I mean, God, I would give him my heart and soul in an instant but I think he would do the same for me and I still can barely believe that.

He would do the same. He absolutely would.

Well there you go. You know I found a song by Fantastic Plastic Machine that describes us. "When I pull you close to me, I can feel eternity. No need for words tonight." I think that's what's going to happen on Friday. Words stop working when you feel this much. You stop talking and all you can do is fall into infinity together because that is the only thing that can do your feelings justice. Do you know what that feels like? Laurie, I'm sorry, I don't want you to feel like you're missing out on things but if I could...

No, Jewel, it's fine. Keep going.

Keep going?

Keep going.

I'm just incredulous is all. I'm asking you these questions rhetorically. It's so amazing, that I've been able to experience this, I will never get used to it and thank God for that. Were you not led here? Didn't every single moment lead up to this one? Nice freaking coincidence, pardon my language, but I'm not worrying about sounding selfish anymore because I've been given so many more chances to get this right and you need to balance out self-sacrifice too. Moderation is important. But you can't overdose on love, not the real kind. Not the building blocks of life. It's true, July 7th was like a flashbulb. Cosmically inseparable... that's beyond comprehension. And yet I understand it completely, at heart. God. This is amazing. 8 years, a sideways lemniscate, you equal infinity, that's what I should say to him. Because he does. Laurie I am just rambling now but it's because the only things I could say about him at this point are so incredibly close and true that I think my heart would break just typing them. Ironically.

I think I know what you mean. You don't have to write about that then.

Oh but it is the most important thing Laurie. Isn't that sad, in a way? Is that the right word? How the closest things are so close that you can't talk about them, but they're the most important, the most gorgeous. There's that word again, it tries so hard but it falls short every time. Not it's fault. Language just doesn't work with... with this sort of thing. Laurie?

Yeah?

You remember October 12th. Right?

Of course.

You know that complete honesty. How you have to basically trust the other person with your life, even just to get close. Because it's that sincere.

Yeah.

Take that... up to the next level. Literally trust them with your life, in getting that close. Sincerity. That's what 8 years is about. My words are falling apart and I'm sorry.

You don't have to keep talking if it's too difficult, Jewel.

Yeah I think I need to go talk to Chaos himself at this point. All the love I'm feeling is completely too absolute to put into indirect poetry things. I need to give it to him, even in words, because this is his after all.

Does he ever say things like this to you?

I do the talking love. He's quieter. I'm fire and he's water. But he does speak up and when he does it absolutely drowns me. There's something indescribably amazing about hearing him, him, say these kinds of things to me. Even if it's not as disjointed and abstract. He's more direct because sometimes I get a little too overwhelmed by the truth that he's there. I don't doubt but it's almost too much to take in.

But does he ever get poetic?

He tries. He doesn't get this disjointed easily, which is good because then we wouldn't get anywhere. But I did see him get poetic, one or two times. Genuinely. Getting this far and into the fanciful language. Why?

I don't know. Hearing you talk like this... I guess I'm just curious as to what sorts of things he'd say about you.

You're a fangirl.

I am.

I love you too. Really I should write about you like this. I could. It's not hard.

I'm sure it isn't.

No, Laurie, you're not getting the significance. It's the same sort of stuff, the same words. It might take a little longer because you feel different. Might take a little while to find different words. But it's the same level.

Is that a paradox?

The words? No, just the wrong use. It's the same meaning in what I say. I love you a lot. But I would have to use different words because Chaos feels like the depths but you feel like this great boundless thing. Like when you think about the surface of the earth, how it's so important but you don't realize just how important? But mostly that feeling like it's everywhere, and powerful, but it's holding everything else up. You don't feel like a thunderstorm but when people take photographs of lightning, you feel like setting those photographs on fire. You're really hard to explain, Laurie!

I can see that.

Now you're bottling up. Come on, you're already rerouting this poetic license, you're going to have some strange literature to your name in the morning if you keep this up.

What, you're giving all that inspiration to me?

No, it's inevitable. It's just moving to you. Why do I feel like I'm literally floating. It's just that you are just as inspirational and I love you just as much but in different quadrants, so to speak, but Laurie that is a really dark red diamond and honestly I'm not sure what that means but I am so thankful that you're in my life. That I'm in yours. It's wonderful how everything just works. I don't know where I'd be without you. I don't. You're a shrapnel-guided hurricane but the sun shines through you and wherever you go people are left in shock but everything is so new.

Death and rebirth, huh.

You too, see? I'm not sure how to describe how you look at me. Like right now. Don't look away, please Laurie, that actually hurts a little.

It's not you, it's me. And I think your iTunes playlist wants you to spend the night with someone else.

Aliens.

Chaos happens, man.

To me, beautifully so, God I am so blessed this is crazy. I can't believe I never realized how unbelievably gorgeous he looks as Perfect, why did I never see that when I was younger, or at least until 2006, there's that word again. I should be talking about you, Laurie. I'm not getting tired of you.

Hit the shuffle button again, kid. I want to see what we get.

Cursed by love so dire. Hm. Not sure what his thought process was on that line but it's interesting. And we just got StH music.

I told you the universe wants you to be with someone else right now.

But I love you too.

I know.

...

But this isn't about me right now. It's not.

I love you too though. I can't emphasize that enough.

Jewel, stop it. You're making me tear up and that is ridiculous at this hour.

Why? I usually only end up in tears early in the morning too. You feel more at this hour.

Yeah, but... kid, you should be asleep and I should be getting back to work. But no, I'm here listening to you write poetry about water monsters and talking about me like I'm some sort of superhero.

You are, to me. I asked you to be so there you are.

Heh, I guess so.

But it is late. It just hit me, right now, how late it is.

Just now?

Just now.

That's bloody hilarious. All right, then close up.

Wait, no.

Jewel, come on. It is seriously late.

I love you.

...I know. I really know.

I don't know if I'm expressing it correctly.

Jewel, there are no bloody rules when it comes to love. And if someone put some up, break 'em.

Good. I can do that. Thank you.

No, thank you. And I am not joking when I say I want you to go talk to Chaos when you're done in here.

For two minutes?

I don't care how long, just talk to him.

I will. Sorry about the disjointed talking and staying up late.

Kid, it's not a problem. I kind of needed this, in a weird way.

Really?

Yeah. I miss talking to you too. And... I don't see this side of you very often.

Because Chaos usually gets it.

He gets most of you, haha.

He gets all of me, who are you kidding. Well, paradoxically. Because I love lots of people. Including you.

Chaos still gets dibs on all the serious material though.

Well of course. 8 years this Friday, you know.

Not if you don't get to sleep.

Really?

Yeah, you need to draw something for it.

Oh man I do. I really want to draw him but dude I do need sleep.

Why didn't I think of this earlier, haha.

All right, sorry, I think that's as good a line to close up on as any.

Wait, no, not yet.

Wait what?

I love you too.

Laurie. You're brilliant. Thank you.

Anytime, J. Now that's a good line to close up on.

It is! And so it also is.

Heh, whatever you say.