prismaticbleed | Entries tagged with dream journal

FINALLY A FREE DAY

Dream with the System and DAENGELS!!!
Little girl stealing my phone
Wreckage & Laurie
Lynne & Julie & Leon
INFINITII, LETHE, & MEDALLION

Father Jackson's homily had me WEEPING IN CHURCH

EUCHARIST DROP.
Agonizing to see Him there. Was about to run over and eat Him but a man pointed Him out to the Priest.
Was I wrong to wait?

Christmas tree decorating problem = mom's old poinsettia decorations have this HORRID odor to them from storage.
Ah well, now I get to buy my OWN ornaments!

Accidentally FROZE the hemp hearts, haha. Maybe they will taste even better, we shall see.

23 HOUR FAST ONCE AGAIN

Stupidly tried to eat an apple after dinner
Threw it up as usual, total panic. Fruit both hurts physically and terrifies me mentally.
Ashamed, crushed, angry, grieving, despondent
At least God was merciful. I was able to eat a bag of broccoli to replace half of what i lost.
still. miserable.

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https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Lamentations%203&version=NET

3:9 Heb “He has made my paths crooked.” The implication is that the paths by which one might escape cannot be traversed.
[The vast majority of "crooked"="avah"'s uses refer to perversity and iniquity, something "distorted"– or even "convulsed" as in intense pain. The word "paths"="nathiyb" implies a well-worn road, one walked frequently, comfortably, and without variance. Together, in the suggested context of the author's seeking escape from suffering, this verse suggests to me that all his old coping methods have been, due to this judgment on his sin, rendered utterly ineffective. His "nathiyb"s, however familiar and successful they were in the past, roads down which he ran to flee the voice of his conscience, were now "made" crooked by God through the power of conviction via punishment. In his agony, the author could no longer find consolation in his old methods, because the pain and shame he was now feeling was so intense and gut-deep that it proved, by its abstemious influence, just how "crooked" his paths HAD been all along. "God" therefore did this, because without His intervention, those paths would have "stayed straight"... at least, to feet used to stumbling about in iniquity, to whom a crooked walk was normal, those paths would have been smooth. God simply upended that perverse perspective with the Truth, by forcing him to sober up and face reality. He could now hear his conscience crying out loud and clear, unmuffled by anodynic attempts, as inescapable as the siege itself.]

3:11 Or “he made my paths deviate.”
[See previous. Ironically, the deviation is now from the author's own will and hopes. The word used, "sur," means not only "turning," but also "departing" or "removing." God is making him turn back to his LORD, by removing his willful paths, and forcing him to depart from his old ways. By imposing a different direction upon the author's life, by the devastation he is now enduring, God is compelling him to "deviate from deviation," essentially– to "return" to God's path, the path of Truth, and abandon his own crooked one.]

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https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Lamentations%203&version=NET

3:13 Heb “sons of his quiver.” This idiom refers to arrows. The term “son” (ben) is often used idiomatically with a following genitive, e.g., “son of flame” = sparks, “son of a constellation” = stars, “son of a bow” = arrows, “son of a quiver” = arrows, and “son of threshing-floor” = corn.
[This is such a beautiful idiom. ...I also wonder, unsurprisingly, if it has any relevance to the System.]

3:13-14 The Hiphil stem of (boʾ, lit., “cause to come in”) here means “to shoot” arrows... "He made the arrows of His quiver enter my inward parts".
Heb “[into] my kidneys.” In Hebrew anthropology, the kidneys are often portrayed as the most sensitive and vital part of man. Poetic texts sometimes portray a person being fatally wounded by the Lord shooting arrows in his kidneys. The equivalent English idiomatic counterpart is the heart, which is employed in the present translation: "He shot his arrows deep into my heart."
[...this verse ruins me. pun intended.]

"God took careful aim and shot His arrows straight through my heart."
"He pierced my heart with His arrows."
"He drove into my heart the arrows of his quiver."
"Behold, He has caused His arrows to enter into my heart."
"He brought the sons of His quiver into my heart."
[...there's a gutpunch of significant nuance in the evolving action verbs here. God "shoots", "pierces," and "drives into"– violent, agonizing terms, words of war and slaughter– but He also, simultaneously even, "causes to enter" and "brings into," language that transforms those exact same arrows from weapons to welcome guests, directed and accompanied by God Himself. And yet, they are still being fatally plunged into my most vital organs. This is the awful paradox of love and terror, the beloved anguish of an intimate wound, even when dealt out decisively for devastation. I don't know how to deal with it. God shot his Arrows into my heart as a killing blow, as an act of irreversible judgment against my spiritual prostitution, with every divine intent of annihilating that life as a result, and yet... and yet I still loved them. I still love them. Our relationship was doomed because of our sinful lifestyles and yet I still loved them. I brought down calamitous curses upon our little household because of my uncontrolled vices and yet I still loved them. I was just as much a weapon of God against them as they were to me, both of us dealing incurable damage to each other by God's wrathful Hand without ever intending to do so ourselves, and yet... and yet I still loved them, even when I hated them, even when I ran away from them to submit to the birth family, even when I shut off my emotions and forgot about them for over a year. Even when God uprooted our relationship and walled off all the roads to return, even when He "made all my paths crooked" as I tried to find you again, even when I'm still bleeding out from my internal organs and am punished by never being able to help you heal from what you suffered at my hands... even now, even now, in agony and regret and rage and fear and unbearable grief, even though now I know our relationship was killing me, I still love you. God shot His Arrows into my heart, and no matter what I do, I cannot get them out... and I don't think I want to.]

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https://biblehub.com/hebrew/4844.htm
maror: Bitter herb

• Discipleship: Teaching on maror encourages believers to accept that sanctification often includes seasons of hardship, yet those seasons are framed by God’s covenant faithfulness.
[No hardship will ever occur outside of that framework, or as anything but a mere "season"; God's Covenant Faithfulness is actually the constant context of every chastisement or even curse we must endure, for they are all meant specifically and solely to cure & correct us so we CAN be sanctified. His final end, and unwavering intent, is for bitterness to bloom into blessedness. The "herbs" that taste so sharp to us are medicinal in effect. Trust your Fatherly Physician. There will be sweetness again, once your illness abates.]

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3:17 The connotation is that there is no peace within; the speaker is too troubled for any calm to take hold.

My soul is bereft of peace;
My soul has been deprived of peace;
My soul has been excluded from peace;
My soul has been rejected from peace;
My soul has been cast far away from peace;
My soul has been kept from enjoying peace.

I cannot find peace;
Peace has been stripped away;
He hath put my soule out of rest;
God has removed peace from my life.

My soul has gone astray from peace;
My soul has been led astray from peace and I have forgotten good... I have forgotten what is good... I forget all good things.

I have forgotten prosperity;
I have forgotten happiness;
I cannot remember happiness;
I have forgotten what happiness is."

[this verse is literally my life. it crushes me to weeping]

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3:19 The basic meaning of (zakhar) is “to remember, call to mind”. Although it is often used in reference to recollection of past events, it can also describe consideration of present situations: “to consider, think about” something present.
[BOTH are simultaneously applicable to the Eucharist— "do this in remembrance of Me!" + "Behold, I am with you always, even to the end of the age!"]
[...this also has PROFOUND RELEVANCE & SIGNIFICANCE for us, in terms of REMEMBERING OURSELVES, both as persons and in time. The massive memory loss & distortion we have suffered over the years is literally preventing us from existing in the present. But "zakhar" suggests that, as we review the archives and truly "recollect" ourself by recollecting our past, we will finally "be here now," once again. To remember is to be. How odd, and how beautiful.]

1214 SAT
Anxi is capable of a loop bypass = orange level plugin + heartstar connection
this is MONUMENTAL and totally unprecedented.
also a little frightening because apparently the "color-level" thing is still legit. not surprising (we're all about color) but it means we have to dig up a lot of scary history that we tried to shove under the rug as "nonsense." when will we learn that literally nothing up here is nonsense? it all matters, it all means something
in any case there is also so much relief and joy i could cry. this is BYPASS potential. anxi could literally do what every Core has dreamed of doing and was never able to, and that is evade the hackers. god if only infi were around to know this. ...maybe this is step one in allowing hir to come back. ze can't unless it's safe. this might just be the first real light on that horizon.
still. no idea if, or how, this would apply to others, as only anxi has the plugin capacity. but it's worth thinking about.

1215 SUN
our dragon phagophoni is STILL around eating breakfast. still positive, no trauma? thank God. also no name yet
Briefly tried talking to her; at one point someone asked about her appearance being like Spine & Wreckage? draconic. and she said "Spine is my SISTER" = both are strongly tied to the body in a direct sense??
Still no sign of Spine post-CNC though. Lynne still heartbroken over this of course. But we talked about this at TBHU-- there IS hope, just like there's hope for Infi, and several others who died back then. As we heal and remember, we will need them again, and be able to sustain them again. Remember it can and has taken years for foni to resurrect before. And yet they do come back. Just hold on to hope.

Homily at mass = ALL ABOUT HOPE go figure. no such thing as a coincidence
"FIND it" and "LIVE it" = determined "search it out in the darkness" because it IS always there
really love and identify with that statement-- that hope must be FOUGHT for. it isn't passive or timid or wishful thinking. it's a battle and it's courageous and it's committed and it doesn't give up. hope DECIDES to exist, paradoxically. it sees everything allegedly opposing it and it says, so what? hope has crazy power because it is anchored into faith, meaning that it transcends the apparent and locks in to something only the heart can rightly perceive-- that the heart trusts and knows despite everything. hope is mad strong. hope is uncrushable. hope is that "thing with feathers" that never ever stops singing. hope is the soul of every core in this System.

1216 MON
religious anxiety hitting hard. thinking of anxi in relation to this = "how is she trying to protect me?"
answer from someone faceless= "I'M SCARED OF 'LOVE'" (TRAUMA) (e.g. "the q thing") (also wow to THAT being the IMMEDIATE thought when they said they were scared. why was that incident SO TERRIFYING. did we write about it? it STILL haunts us)
btw we need to talk about how violently aroace we still are. emphasis on the violence. why are we so damn aggressive about this?? it's a kneejerk response but it's frighteningly brutal. i'm sure that's protective too; it's the only time the "fight" response kicks in unfailingly.
like, if we see something "romantic" while scrolling online someone will immediately flip them off and swear at them threateningly. "that's f*cking disgusting", "f*ck off or i'll k*ll you," etc. like legit DANGEROUS RAGE. "destroy it before it destroys us" seems to be the instinct. all the alarm bells go off at once and someone apparently just picks up a missile launcher to deal with it.

1217 TUE
"Gatekeeper" girl + "Commentary" girl both very loud & active this morning
Apparently Xenophon likes salty/ sweet/ "bitey" things as far as food goes. she very much dislikes soft foods.

✱JAY IS ALIVE but the gatekeeper girl won't let him stay out because he cannot do "daily living"; he's internally anchored

^also HE "can't love Anxi?" this is upsetting but it makes sense because Jay is not straight at all and his vibe clashes with hers as well.

✱THERE IS HOPE TO LIVE, AS A SYSTEM
people HOLD energy/ inspiration/ knowledge/ motivation/ etc. If a koinofoni is feeling utterly depressed and hollow and empty, they DON'T HAVE TO BE ALONE-- they can always reach out/ call for someone who holds optimism, or even just be aware of such a person. this "greater awareness" is sometimes the only hope that our socials have, if they have it at all (some don't, which is tragic; the most unhealthy foni are the ones who think they're singlets)

"Love is VULNERABLE, ACCESSIBLE, & AVAILABLE"

1218 WED
Our "food dragon" phagofoni's name is PHAEDRA (and yes she's a basic phago; not a trogo because she's not specific? it seems she can eat multiple things & be okay with it)
The "friar" thriskefoni's name is FRANCESCO (a rare non-traumatized one! he's in the BROWN huespace probably because he's so tied to the physical act of praying; browns are very tied to the body. however he doesn't seem to be a somafoni?? he feels like he might exist in midspace. we need a proper term for these folks). He is NOT on the same level as FEILIX?? who is our "AUDIO PRAYING" guy and who is actually faceless as of yet.

1220 FRI
KOINOFONI (SOCIALS) "DON'T BELIEVE IN HEAVEN" because they have NO EXPERIENCE OF LOVE
Gatekeeper girl protesting against fronters: "THAT'S NOT YOUR JOB"

Later, while eating = Jesus cross figure always falling over
Upset me, "It feels like the slightest little things will knock you right over"
Reply "That's the same thing that happens to you"
Why does it fall? Because it's "too heavy" for the foundation. but WHY? Because the CROSS is heavy.
Jesus said "I don't hate you for falling it just breaks my heart"

XANGA TOPICS FOR THE IMMEDIATE FUTURE =

Why the "Q thing" was so scary (go back and review?)
weird dreams lately
↑ PAST ones
↑ PINK event
↑ ANXI BYPASS in light of this?
Angel Dust/ Jay parallels?
anniversary anaesthesia
Core gender issue?
↑ NAME/ FACE problems?
DESTRUCTION DRIVE
↑ food feels more invasive/ traumatic than ever

★ LAST NIGHT'S DREAM carrying MY OWN BLEEDING CORPSE, running from "police," trying to get to "Gimmelwald" for a proper burial???

btw GET JANUARY DATES

I dreamt that I was in treatment, but the "main room" was this big open floorplan & it was messy & chaotic, with stuff & garbage all over the floor, & no furniture? There were people in various states of undress, all just "wasting time" as they waited for directions/ the scheduled day to begin? It felt like an interim, like a flight delayed indefinitely. I ALSO had the strongly disturbing impression that this was "MY room" somehow? But it "wasn't mine" even so, as it was being treated carelessly as a public space. I felt so invaded, helpless, & dirty. There was a walk-in shower with NO DOOR in the corner of the room, and I kept trying to go in to to shower, but everyone else kept either going in while I was called away/ busy (for other people), or flat-out saying "I'm next" although it "was my shower" and I'd been waiting all morning. I ended up crying at one point from sheer powerless overwhelm. When a space finally opened up-- notably like "one minute before" roll call, when everyone else was taken care of & ready but I was left in the dust-- and I went in, my emotions "shut off" & I began "echoing" the demeanor of the other patients towards me, feeling selfhating cold rage & saying something cruel like "you are a slut" or "you deserve to die" etc. BUT BEFORE I could even start the water, a woman walked up to the door & said "can I talk to you for a minute" with a clipboard of papers. Giving up, my emotions went numb & I just walked out to do whatever she wanted. I don't recall what happened after, except that I was impossibly late & panicking & that's what woke me up, to gratefully discover it was almost exactly 6:30 AM (perfect timing).
HOWEVER there were 3 other details from the nightmare. First, when I finally headed to the shower, I was coughing uncontrollably, and it was a harsh & painful cough, bringing up tons of thick mucus like green jelly. The girls around me didn't bat an eye, but were stage-whispering to each other "how gross I was" and "That had better not be contagious" like I was trying on purpose to disgust & infect them. Second, my little brothers were there (as children)? And at one point in the shower-lineup struggle I, for some reason, said something like "I love you & I'm genuinely really glad you're here, BUT I hate how much I always have to do when you're here"?? I was "TRYING" to express BOTH my love AND my utter physical/ emotional EXHAUSTION at having to "take care of (PARENT) them," although I'd "NEVER SAY NO." BUT they reacted with PROFOUND HURT & LEFT ME, judging me as "CRUEL/ COLD/ SELFISH" & "REJECTING: them. This CRUSHED me & I just LEFT the building. The streets were empty & quiet like a ghost town? And the few people walking were MALICIOUS & ACTIVELY LOOKING FOR ME TO HURT ME. When they saw me outside they grinned & "signaled" for an "attack," & when I went back inside numb-afraid, there was a gang of both men & women rushing at me to beat up (with weapons) & kill me. BUT I "snapped into" RED FRENZY mode, & started "mercilessly" throwing them about like rag dolls, literally PICKING THEM UP BY ONE LIMB & SMASHING THEM HEADFIRST INTO THE LINOLEUM, assumedly KILLING them by SMASHING THEIR SKULLS. I felt & thought nothing. When I got them all, I went back in to take that shower, my mind "picking up where it left off" BY "DISSOCIATION" FROM/ "FORGETTING" WHAT I JUST DID? And THAT'S when I started coughing. BUT before I did that I DID have a minute of DEEPLY DISTURBED HORROR, realizing "DID I JUST KILL THOSE PEOPLE??" like it was a nightmare. I couldn't process/ cope with that so I shut off.
There was also, in other parts of the dream, something about 2 new patients, who were both elderly women & I actually was very happy & "comforted" by that, as I felt safer around them than I did around young girls. And that's all.
✳ WHAT IS MY SUBCONSCIOUS TRYING TO TELL ME THROUGH THIS?
✳ 1) "My room" made "public property" AND a "trash dump," NO "SPACE FOR ME" = I feel like I DON'T have any personal space here? EVERYTHING I feel/ think/ write IS "public property" & EVERYONE CAN, & often are TOLD TO (groups) "MAKE IT THEIRS." I feel like I'm homeless? I feel OVERWHELMED & HELPLESS & USED. As for the TRASH, I'm "LETTING PEOPLE IN" to my space "AGAINST MY WILL"? Because I "FOUND" these people ALREADY THERE & DIDN'T PROTECT OR SAY ANYTHING TO ANYONE ABOUT IT. And I feel FORCED to "TAKE IN/ LISTEN TO" EVERYTHING & SO MUCH OF IT IS BADLY AFFECTING MY MIND. I'm a "good listener" like a garbage bin is "open" to all your junk. I mean no offense & I don't want to "force" others to hold on to what they want to let out, so I "let them trash my space" & "inhabit my space" & I'm left with NEITHER "safety" nor "security." In my OWN SELF, there's "NO ROOM" TO BE MYSELF.
✳ 2) "Can't use my own shower" because "everyone else has dibs/ is forcing past me"; when I FINALLY get there, "TIME'S UP" and/or OTHERS CALL ME AWAY to do things for them = I CAN'T do what I'm doing for OTHERS for MYSELF? "CLEAN/ REFRESH/ PRIVATE/ PERSONAL" emphasis? ALSO the concept of "CLEANING OTHERS" = "insight" offered & helping untangle problems/ give support? "Wash away" the "dirt" & "tiredness" (negativity, etc.) IN MY "PRIVATE SPACE"?? To the extent that I'M STILL TIRED & FILTHY? But NO ONE WILL LET ME GO IN BECAUSE THEY NEED IT FIRST/ MORE. I'm disturbed by the "DIBS"/ CLAIM aspect; I feel "OWNED"/ OBJECTIFIED by others as a "USEFUL RESOURCE," BECAUSE of the "water" I "HAVE"?? NOTABLY NOT TO DRINK, BUT TO BATHE. That feels almost WASTEFUL/ "ABUSIVE"? Like they're emptying out my well just to "enjoy a bath," filling it with dirtiness & flushing it out to the sewer. BUT THAT WELL WATER IS FOR DRINKING. I can't quite untangle that completely-- it's actually an inapplicable extended metaphor because in the dream I was going to bathe in the water too; that's what showers are for-- but the root concept is too strong to ignore. The described behavior feels WRONG & like STEALING/ MISUSE & it HURTS. Lastly, the "TIME'S UP" is scary, because it suggests that, LIKE the clipboard woman, "MY" TIME TO "BATHE" is DICTATED BY OTHERS? Because I'm ONLY BATHING TO "GET READY" TO SERVE/ OBEY. And if I DON'T get to shower FIRST, then I'm DIRTY & I STINK & I'm NOT in CLEAN CLOTHES, etc. And OTHERS ARE OFFENDED BY MY FILTH. And the reason WHY everyone goes BEFORE me is because it takes me SO LONG? I'm SO dirty & SO much of my body is ROTTING/ DYING that I have to SCRUB UNTIL I BLEED & it uses SO MUCH WATER & TIME. BUT I "CAN'T" TAKE the time because I "HAVE TO GET DONE BY THAT SET TIME," because "GROUP IS STARTING" OR "WE'RE LOCKING THE ROOM DOORS"!!! So WHY didn't mine HAVE a door? Maybe because I don't "close myself off" completely. BUT I let OTHERS "lock ME out of MYSELF" BY "SOCIAL MODE" SELF-CRUSHING? Which WOULD prevent me from "WASHING" our OWN soul BECAUSE WE ARE "LOCKED OUT". The "dibs" are people WANTING the "SOCIAL" side of us, NOT our TRUE "INNER" SELF, too? WHICH I wonder CAN ONLY "COME OUT" IF WE "TAKE A SHOWER" FIRST? Reflect on this further later, not now; we're overanalyzing from not taking TIME to reflect first. Ironically. GO TAKE A SHOWER.
✳ 3) My "feeling BOTH love & frustration" about my little brothers is kind of straightforward; Deep down I DO feel "angry" that I have "had to be a parent" to them in the past, solely because it was (again) using SO much of my resources on ALL levels & I was "using that as an excuse" to DIVERT that "helpless rage" to NEGATIVE "outlets," as well as "justifying self-neglect." I STILL DON'T KNOW WHY I DO THIS, at least NOT in "handwriting mode." The System probably does. As for now though let's focus on the nightmare, & HOW it manifested this bad response:
✳ 4) RED FRENZY. This happens DISTURBINGLY OFTEN in nightmares, and that SCARES ME. Frequently it's RAZOR or WRECKAGE fronting to "express" more "violent" impulses in dreams, BUT THEY NEVER DO THINGS LIKE THIS. This mindless, thoughtless, heartless, and BLINDLY MURDEROUS VIOLENCE is ONLY POSSIBLE with a COMPLETE LOSS OF SELF. REMEMBER THAT & TAKE IT SERIOUSLY. When you LOSE yourself/ OURSELF, you LOSE LOVE. You LOSE VALUE & VIRTUE & VISION. Believe it or not, SELFHOOD & UNIQUE IDENTITY ARE GOOD THINGS, GOD-GIVEN & ESSENTIAL TO BEING A PERSON-- to being TRULY HUMAN, as CHRIST WAS. When you LOSE or even DENY or REJECT your REAL & ESSENTIAL HUMANITY & PERSONHOOD, then "all that's left" IS to "become a MONSTER." ANY & ALL FORMS OF SELF-ABUSE/ SELF-ANNIHILATION WILL RESULT IN THIS HELLISH MUTATION. ALL HATRED FOR HUMANITY, INCLUDING YOUR OWN, IS DEMONIC. And these "red frenzies" are EXACTLY what happens WHEN YOUR LIFEBLOOD GETS INFECTED. If you let those lies fool you, the corruption will seep into your marrow IF YOU DON'T FIGHT IT BY GRACE. There WILL be a breakthrough and OUR HISTORY IS PROOF. We might be morphed into monsters with "drained brains" BUT THERE IS ALWAYS HOPE & LOVE & GOD HIMSELF IS FIGHTING FOR YOU. He WILL CALL YOU BY NAME-- AS A PERSON, WHO IS LOVED-- and RESTORE YOUR INHERENT & INDESTRUCTIBLE HUMANITY & DIGNITY & PERSONHOOD. You're definitely catching the "We're Back!" references. THAT'S ESSENTIAL. REMEMBER THAT. IT'S TRUTH.
✳ 5) Being ignored/ shamed for being "visibly" sick/ possibly contagious/ GROSS: obviously refers to MENTAL HEALTH/ EATING DISORDER STRUGGLES IN RECOVERY; "coughing up/ out" the heavy "phlegm" (inflamed) from my LUNGS (breath = life) viewed as "GROSS" (socially unacceptable); ALSO BULIMIA as a DESPERATE OUTLET? But mostly COUGH = SPEECH (visceral)? FEAR OF "TRIGGERING/ CORRUPTING" others.

✳ My "goal" today (has to be S.M.A.R.T.) is to journal about the two "encounters" I had in my dream last night, specifically with my mom & TBAS, with the intention of SOBERLY FACING the TRUTHS of HOW I SPOKE TO & RESPONDED to them, AND how my subconscious presented THEIR words & responses to ME. I ALSO MUST note that, as usual, "MY" APPEARANCE CHANGES WITH MY BEHAVIOR, implying that this is ESSENTIALLY a concern for the SYSTEM. I CANNOT therefore TRULY understand OR process it as "JUST ME," because THAT'S FALSE.
Now, details are blurry as is typical for dreams, BUT what DID stick, AND the EMOTIONS that resulted are important & are what really matter here. First, mom. I was in treatment, and she was on vacation with her boyfriend, but she had left me with HER PHONE & a whole duffel bag of files & folders & papers, for me to "sort through" & "see if what she found (at the house, from my past) was anything I wanted to keep." But I was panicking over the phone? I couldn't have it on the unit, BUT I had no idea how to return it to her, or what she expected me to do with it, etc. I tried to send her boyfriend an email from her phone telling her I was OK and that her phone was going to be turned off but the nurses would have it, but it wouldn't send? THEN after this nervewracking effort, in which I felt a real time crunch, somehow I ended up at a meal with the treatment group BUT my MOM had SHOWED UP & was talking to all the nurses & other patients, apparently "painting the picture" of my disorder to them as SHE understood it, and I got the sickening impression that THAT was how she saw ME. The IMPORTANT moment came when she SAT DOWN AT THE TABLE and was EXPLICITLY describing my past symptomatic behavior TO the girls in a stage whisper WHILE they were eating, WHILE LOOKING AT ME. It was so "offensively" passive-aggressive it made me "infuriated" from the sheer shame/ guilt/ regret/ hurt. She was saying something like "I don't know why she keeps doing it"-- WHILE pointedly staring at me, like she was trying to force a different response IN "DEFENSE" than the TRUE ones I'd ALREADY GIVEN HER MANY TIMES-- "she'll eat all this food and then she'll just throw it up!" And I FLIPPED HER OFF & stormily turned my back to her, unable to process the wounded humiliated grieving RAGE I felt. It was because her PHRASING felt so FLIPPANT, so SHALLOW, as if I was doing that "for FUN" OR "BY CHOICE," and FURTHERMORE, by saying "she WILL/ she DOES," it SHOWED that SHE SAW THAT AS PRESENT & DEFINITIVE BEHAVIOR. Her very phrasing implied that SHE DIDN'T SEE ME AS CAPABLE OF CHANGE. And with how prone I historically have been to IMPLANTED THOUGHTS FROM "AUTHORITY," and the fact that THAT BEGAN IN CHILDHOOD WITH HER & GRANDMA'S frequent gaslighting of my childhood emotions, those words FELT LIKE A DOOM MANDATE. "She WILL. She DOES." She CAN'T/ WON'T CHANGE, because I'M DEFINING HER IDENTITY IN THE CONTINUAL PRESENT TENSE BY DISORDERED BEHAVIOR." And more than anything, that BROKE MY HEART. THAT'S where the RAGE came from-- BECAUSE if I WEPT or PROTESTED in sorrow, even tears, SHE WOULD JEER & SCORN & ACCUSE ME OF MANIUPULATIVE DRAMATICISM. "Crocodile tears." "Puppetmaster." etc. I COULDN'T COMMUNICATE TO HER the TRUTH of my DETERMINATION & HOPE & EFFORT & FAITH. She just couldn't or wouldn't see it, or believe me. In her mind, I WILL be disordered still. And I HATED THAT CONDEMNATION because I REFUSED TO SUBMIT TO ITS LIE OF HOPELESS INDIFFERENCE. THAT, TOO, disturbed me-- that mom WOULDN'T TALK TO ME ABOUT HER FEELINGS, and even when talking ABOUT me TO others, SHE WASN'T BEING HONEST because she WOULDN'T SHOW ANY EMOTION? Other than weepy-mad "I don't know why she's doing this!" WHILE STARING AT ME. MOM I'VE TOLD YOU. YOU WON'T LISTEN. I WANT TO DISCUSS THIS WITH YOU SO YOU UNDERSTAND, but deep down the WORST grief is that YOU DON'T WANT TO. You just want it to GO AWAY with no fuss & YOU WANT TO GET THE CREDIT FOR DECIDING it must go. YOU THINK I HAVEN'T "DECIDED" THAT YEARS AGO?? Mom I KNOW you love me BUT it feels like you see ME as POWERLESS & UNWILLING TO CHANGE?? And so YOU HAVE TO "FIX ME" AND BE THE HERO? It's robbing me of my freedom & agency in RECOVERY that way, just like the disorder itself. AND SHE DOESN'T EVER WANT TO COMMUNICATE IN HONESTY. She just wants me to be "COMPLETELY CURED," RIGHT NOW, with NO HASSLE OR COMPLICATIONS OR REMAINING ISSUES TO DEAL WITH. It hurts because she seems to see this as a "surface level," "just think differently"/ "just get over it"/ "be like ME & RESIST/ REFUSE/ FIGHT!" and THAT hurts too-- the FACT that SHE responds to so many of HER pains & distresses by HARDENING HER HEART & BITING BACK. And I just CAN'T DO THAT. But SHE does, and THAT'S part of WHY she "doesn't understand" my disorder symptoms DESPITE my TELLING HER-- because they SPRING FROM TRAUMA as BROKEN COPING SKILLS and SHE DOESN'T WANT TO FACE OR ADMIT THE FEAR/ PAIN IN HER OWN PAST, maybe because SHE doesn't know HOW TO COPE, and MAYBE HER FOOD ISSUES are "too close" to mine? I don't know. But that's why it's so painful for me, to hear her respond to MY pain expressed BY/ THROUGH the eating disorder, because SHE WON'T ENTER THAT SPACE AT ALL, FOR EITHER OF US, and THAT'S WHY, TO HER, "RECOVERY" IS JUST A LIGHTSWITCH OR MAGIC WAND. SHE DOESN'T WANT TO, OR ISN'T ABLE TO, ENTER INTO THE DARK & TANGLED BATTLE OF EMOTION & TRAUMA PROCESSING. Recovery is a HARD BATTLE and it takes TIME & BRUTAL HONEST EFFORT. And... she RUNS a lot, hence her perpetually distracted, highspeed, overworked life, in which she gets herself SO STRESSED OUT over the "PRESENT" & her manic grand PLANS for the FUTURE, that she is BOTH "running away from her PAST & her INNER pains" WHILE still giving SOME expression to her subconscious turmoil by, as I see it, ALWAYS WORRYING & GETTING UPSET about "the house"... which IS A SYMBOL of a LOT OF HER PAST TRAUMA, as it is also for mine. It's complex and heartbreaking because I WANT HER TO HEAL & FIND PEACE, TOO, BUT SHE WON'T FACE THE WOUND. ...YET, perhaps. The more I'm honest in a CALM & HOPEFUL & HUMBLED way about MY trauma & WHY I struggle & HOW I'm striving to heal, she SEEMS to be MORE WILLING to START sharing/ facing HER struggles WITH ME?? Bit by bit, and I HAVE noticed. Which MEANS she's STARTING to SEE ME AS SAFE??? AND UNDERSTANDING?? God I HOPE SO, and PLEASE give me the GRACE TO BE THAT FOR HER, because I DO LOVE HER & WANT HER TO BE WELL. BOTH of us CAN reach that space of healing TOGETHER, and THAT'S WHAT I WANT THE MOST. (RELATIONSHIP)
✳ A VERY CONVICTING THOUGHT = Mom sees my IDENTITY as "TIED TO" the eating disorder BECAUSE I'VE GIVEN HER ENOUGH REASONS TO DO SO. One's IDENTITY IS tied to WHATEVER they give their TIME, ATTENTION, FOCUS, EFFORT, & PRIORITY TO. And I must confess, I've been FALSE TO MYSELF, DISTORTING MY IDENTITY, BY NOT FOCUSING MY ENERGY ON WHAT I TRULY VALUE & WHAT TRULY MATTERS TO ME. The problem is, I "met it HALFWAY" by "COMPROMISE" & THAT GAVE THE EATING DISORDER AN EXCUSE & A FOOTHOLD, and THAT'S why it became SO HARD TO ACTUALLY UPROOT-- because I had gotten it TANGLED UP in my TRUE VALUES, which I apparently was "UNABLE" TO PURSUE OTHERWISE, in a DIRECT way? Like "I HAVE to take 3 HOURS to eat breakfast because THAT'S when I do SCRIPTURE STUDY!" But WHY can't I do that study AT MY DESK, AFTER I EAT? And with the bingeing "because it gives me time to listen to religious lectures" it was STILL ROBBING ME OF MANY MORE HOURS in which I could be PURSUING SAINTLY GOALS, NOT PURGING. And I'd have RIGID timing "so I CAN pray/ study," which PREVENTED me from DOING MORE VIRTUOUS THINGS, like USING MY TALENTS FOR GOD & HELPING/ SPENDING TIME WITH MY FAMILY. Mom was seeing the exact problem. Food was USURPING my TRUE identity by ATTACHING to it like a PARASITE.
✳ Related to that topic of skewed/ misdirected values, the OTHER dream encounter was with S, aka TBAS, aka Oliver, and in the dream I didn't know which name to call them. I was in a waiting room somewhere, & suddenly they walked in the front door. I thought, "why are they up in this state?" but then thought something like, "this might be the only chance I get to clear things up between us"? Unfortunately I don't recall how it came about, but we ended up speaking to each other, except... I really didn't let it get very far. After the briefest words of recognition, I started actually almost "lecturing/ scolding/ shaming" them for being transgender. I sounded like such a proud, patronizing, callous jerk. And rightly enough, they ended up almost tearing up, & wordlessly turning & leaving the room? They went back out into the lobby & sat in another small side waiting room, & before the doors closed, I saw them point me out to the other patients & start saying that my thoughtless/ heartless "religious hypocrite" arrogance was "why they'd NEVER be my friend again"? And I THINK they actually DID say to me, "THIS is WHY WE left YOU"?? but the gist being that I was so focused on rebuking them & preaching moral precepts, acting like I was the authority on "holiness" while being a scumbag, that it was IMPOSSIBLE to even have a CONVERSATION with me, let alone a FRIENDSHIP. And as the doors closed, I had the horrible realization that "I'll probably NEVER get the chance to talk to them again." It was over, we weren't friends again, we probably never would be, they'd probably never forgive me, and it was ENTIRELY MY FAULT for being such an egocentric jerk. And then I realized that I "still loved them" and they didn't even know it because I treated them like trash. And that CRUSHED me with regret & shame & grief. So what do I learn from this subconscious message? Well, FIRST is the fact that I COULDN'T STOP JUDGING & CONDEMNING THEIR GENDER & SEXUALITY to the point where I WASN'T SEEING THEM AS A PERSON. I only saw the SIN, NOT THE SINNER. I saw them as a "DISTORTION/ PROBLEM TO BE FIXED/ CORRECTED" IN ORDER for them to even "BE" a "real person"??? Like, if your IDENTITY is based on a FALSEHOOD, then "YOU" aren't "true" UNTIL you're "CONVERTED"? And of course, ALL THAT MUST BE THE WAY I SECRETLY SEE MYSELF. Because like it or not, the RAW FACT is that SINCE CHILDHOOD I have been a QUEER PERSON. I "don't WANT to be" because it's "morally wrong," but I... I'm NOT CISHET. I CAN'T "FORCE IT." I've TRIED. I like girls and I do lean masculine in many ways to the point where I feel like a "third" gender. I want to cry. I just want to be what GOD wants. But... what if He DOES want me to be queer, as a CROSS? How do I ACCEPT that, because God knows I WANT to-- it's exhausting & miserable to fight & deny it-- but apparently I believe that "queer people aren't allowed to exist UNTIL they BECOME cishet"??? Lord I'm struggling. But THAT'S the HUGE point here. And as a SYSTEM, it's even MORE complicated because we experience ALL the rainbow in here. And we KNOW how "queerness" has REPEATEDLY LED TO TERRIBLE TRAUMA IN THE PAST. But we still love girls. And we're still a "total tomboy" at least. How do we reconcile this with our faith? How do we accept this, and not HATE ourselves BY COMPULSION, because we're "SUPPOSED TO," and that horrible "order" HARDENS OUR HEART & makes us CRUEL & DISMISSIVE towards OTHER QUEER PEOPLE, because WE CAN'T STOP TREATING OURSELF THAT WAY FOR THAT REASON? And to make things even WORSE, the global "LGBTQIA+" movement IS OBJECTIVELY SATANIC. IT'S ACTUALLY, LITERALLY EVIL. But the PEOPLE with this cross AREN'T necessarily so!! There's this WAR of sexuality going on and I KNOW I'm called to chastity and I'm GRATEFUL for GOD'S TRUTH but if I'm STILL "QUEER," am I in opposition to God even still? I need to pray & get legit spiritual direction about this. But today, the lesson is this: HATRED & CONDEMNATION & MERCILESS JUDGMENT & OBJECTIFICATION & DISMISSAL & DISRESPECT of queer people IS A SIN. God STILL LOVES THEM & they ARE REAL PEOPLE and THAT APPLIES TO YOU! You NEED to START WITH YOURSELF or ALL your actions will be HYPOCRITICAL & HOLLOW. Your JOB as a Christian is to LOVE AS CHRIST LOVES. First you MUST accept & integrate HOW HE LOVES YOU.

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✳ The "accumulate positives" list has things like "think about past good times/ kindnesses/ loved ones words" & "make a gift for/ spend time with someone," BUT those suggestions FRIGHTEN me? Like they put me under "GUILTY OBLIGATION" to "RETURN THE FAVOR OR ELSE"/ "EARN THEIR APPROVAL" sort of "give & take" mindset, with the EMPHASIS being that "IF someone GIVES something good to me, they NOW have "EARNED the RIGHT" to TAKE SOMETHING GOOD FROM ME. And I DO NOT LIKE THIS. I would LIKE to make a gift for someone BECAUSE that's a KIND thing TO do, BUT I "don't value gifts" (love language?) so it would be DISSONANT & NOT GENUINE? I WANT to GIVE, but in OTHER WAYS, like ACTS OF SERVICE. So that's an important clarification. Same with SPENDING TIME. It DOESN'T "HAVE TO" be "at the movies" or "playing a game," or "talking nonstop." That's EXHAUSTING, and I feel like I CAN'T "PROPERLY" GIVE IN THOSE CONTEXTS? It's asking something from me that I DON'T HAVE? Is that bad? Am I ALLOWED to "spend time" in DIFFERENT ways, like reading Scripture together? And WHY does ALL "spending time" feel like I'M ALREADY IN TROUBLE? Like "WHAT'S THE SCRIPT?" "What do they want to GET from me?" "If I do THIS, NOW, then am I now OBLIGATED to be ON CALL to KEEP giving MORE without conditions WHENEVER they want?" I SEE IT AS A "TAKE" SITUATION. WHY DO I SEE ALL SOCIAL INTERACTIONS AS VAMPIRIC??? That's why I'm SCARED to give, although I WANT TO. It just feels like I'm GIVING THEM FREE PERMISSION to DEVOUR ME AT THEIR WHIM. That's ALSO why I'm frightened to even THINK about "past good," because that feels like TALLYING UP DEBTS that I must PAY IN FULL (WITH INTEREST), and I often CAN'T, so must I pay in BLOOD? I'm shaking just thinking about it. God what do I do? How can I accept things as GIFTS? I only ever want to GIVE gifts! DO I? Or is this ALL tangled? Do I "expect to get something BACK" solely because I feel like I'm being EATEN? WHY does GIVING feel like ALWAYS drawing from an EMPTY WELL? Am I THAT SELFISH?? Or am I that afraid of "establishing MORE obligations" & "ADDING UP MORE DEBT"? Lord I WANT TO FREELY DO GOOD FOR OTHERS WITHOUT BEING TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF in the sense of BECOMING A PREY/ FOODSOURCE? What the heck am I afraid of? INITIATING SOCIAL INTERACTION. How ironic, because I YEARN FOR LOVING COMMUNITY. IS THAT THE MISSING PIECE HERE?? I DON'T EVER FEEL LOVED. Is that true? WHY is it? Do I NOT FEEL "KNOWN" or seen at all? How does that affect my ability TO ACCEPT KINDNESS/ LOVE? Why can't I just "take what I get"? Do I somehow fear that the love given "ISN'T ACTUALLY MEANT FOR ME/ I CAN'T ACCEPT IT" if it's given "TO A FALSE IDEA of "me"" or something? It's like eating paper. I'm starving & sobbing. I WANT TO BE ABLE TO LOVE PEOPLE & ACCEPT LOVE & NOT FEEL LIKE I'M IN DANGER OR IN CRIMINAL TROUBLE, for doing it WRONG. I need to sit & feel this out first. It's WAY too complex & deep to be writing about in realtime. And I NEED TO ADDRESS THIS AS PART OF THE SYSTEM, WHICH I HAVEN'T DONE (YET) ON THIS PAGE. That's probably WHY it's such a tangled mess. In that case it's a PERFECT EXAMPLE of WHY WE CANNOT DO THIS ALONE. There's NO PROGRESS WITHOUT WORKING TOGETHER.

TRAUMA NIGHTMARES. literally the worst they could possibly be.
Violent lesbian rape, forced feeding & terrified vomiting, family hatred & verbal abuse, SUICIDE ATTEMPT, and missing Mass on top of it all.
Bizarrely, at the very end, we were FINALLY leaving the family house (where ALL THAT HELL HAPPENED), and it began to snow?? And JEWEL FRONTED. She was "Sonic-skating" on the snowy road like it was a skaterail, and when she got to the crest of the hill (which is MUCH steeper & longer in dreams, like low airplane height even), Mewtwo was flying above her (below the sky ceiling, which was STILL THERE) and she asked him(!) to "fly her down" to the city, where we live? And he did, although he complained at first, but by the drop-off they were interacting clearly as good friends.
So... yeah. That extreme juxtaposition of events & moods says a LOT about our subconscious experience of both places.

Had to go to church, needed the consolation, after such a hell night
BUT THERE WAS NO CHURCH??
We decided to stay anyway, and went upstairs to pray before the Tabernacle... and ALL OF THE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS WERE ON IN THE DARK.
It was so stunningly beautiful it felt like a dream. Pun intended, perhaps. But that's why God brought us here, despite the nightmares, despite no Mass. This was such a profound consolation, this beauty in the dark, the Baby in the manger shining brightest of all. This was a clear, visible, tangible reminder of what Christmas was really about... and a reassurance that yes, it did apply to me, too.

Got home for 830.
Laundry day since we actually had time & we had THREE LOADS TO DO

Knock shrine online mass
Intrusive hateful thoughts (ego dystonic!!!) are SO LOUD when we watch other people??? Its SUPER DISTURBING.
We reject the thoughts actively, we refuse to entertain them, we recognize them as wrong and cruel and shockingly ugly, but THEY KEEP HAPPENING and they are INSISTENT. So its very distressing and we never know what to do. You can't really "resist them" when they're constantly shouting around your ears. We can't turn them off. But we can at least say, over and over, "no, I do not agree with that, I refuse to judge, what you are saying is evil, I have no part of it." Etc.
But we still have to confess this every week. It doesn't stop. It's as mentally exhausting as it is morally frightening. ARE we really THAT EVIL?? Why won't it stop? Why are we like this?

Likewise, we CANNOT STOP PANICKING ABOUT POSSIBLE SOCIAL INTERACTIONS, especially with neighbors like Paul who like to talk. Its not his fault. We just literally will screamcry, selfabuse and throw up if we talk too much to ANYONE. That, too, happens EVERY BLOODY TIME no matter how hard we try to "smile and wait it out" or "play the part patiently" or whatever. The family holidays were proof of our inability to stop the fatal consequences of overstimulation, as were the nightmares.
But we can at least AVOID going up the house. We cannot avoid the unpredictable encounter of a neighbor.
...
Social media is worse. I seriously want to delete our Facebook. I HATE that website, honestly I do. Maybe we should just junk it. We'd finally have peace.

Immediately after laundry, we bravely went to the candle shop for mom. (Waiting another day would put our anxiety through the roof, but going outdoors closer to noon has a very high risk of talkative social encounters)
Got her the Pumpkin Chai as it smells like tea & isn't oppressively sweet.
There's one thats "Tobacco & Oud" that we think we like? We're still trying to figure out what "we" ACTUALLY do like, as opposed to what is programming, what is imitation, and what is a foni giving their own opinion, haha. The latter instance is the only acceptable one.
But this won't solidify without a solid Core. That's inevitable.

OCD is only kicking in when we PRAY WITHOUT FELIX???
Also we're thinking he is GREEN, not yellow-- there may be a name spelling change to match. Yellow was blurring him with that rude humor guy with the goggles. Besides that color was only assumed because of name synaesthesia. But his VOICE is GREEN!!
In any case he has NO "body" yet, in innerspace. His case is unique-- for his role to work, he HAS TO BE AN ANDROID. He cannot be organic or it would MAKE HIM DANGEROUS, since his role is to SPEAK!!!
I'm wondering how this affects Algorith?? Especially with her original function roots, as one of the martial Retributors.

ADELAIDE IS SHIFTING PINK??? Like a powdery pink. She FEELS more stable moving that way.
Still, wondering about this concerning what Spice said about Browns the other day. But we can't deny that Addie was miserable?
I also think she seriously wants to work WITH Audrey, or Julie. She doesn't want to be alone with the somafoni.
Is this the first time a foni "rejected" a function assignment and Chose to move, and was ALLOWED to without dying??? Is that something ONLY Browns can do, because of their neutral nature???

While watching lectures =
If people cry or get choked up while talking TO ME, and ESPECIALLY if they are trying to smile or be dramatic, it makes me feel ANGRY & FRIGHTENED & CONFUSED. It feels like they're FORCING THEMSELVES ON ME. I don’t know why, but it does. It's like I'm cornered, towered over, helpless, and they are climbing on top of me.
...

Evening =
It's getting so hard to concentrate on anything, or retain any information input. I think our poor brain is fried.

Trying to relax on couch but as usual we WON'T LET OURSELVES RELAX. It's exhausting.

Quick typed update so i don't forget this, clean up later

Many dreams during night due to intense sickness and waking repeatedly

First: in city, Jay and Infi. Seeing jay from behind, his overtan skin and bright white hair clear. he and infi watching sunset or something? very bright and warm light. mind said clearly "jay is not a human he is a nousfoni"
then jay and infi being close, jay had a huge heart jewel? but like sailor moon style. infi bit-licked it and it triggered a HACK.
WE DIDN'T WAKE??? jay and infi were now confronted by a "disney zeus" looking figure? a priest. jay and infi confessed what they did. priest rebuked them for what happened. both contrite, admitted that such behavior was trouble, they should have known better. infi then PROMISED that they would "never lick anything again," they were visibly resolute, like a switch had been flipped

second dream
back in city?? on a main road. very brief. third person perspective, floating.
"self awareness" feeling anxious and tormented. thinking, "maybe i should get married so i can have sx?" bizarre thought. felt like they needed to be bound to someone in order to be close to anyone at all. but the thought of being afab and being near a man was so abhorrent they rejected it. self-image was longhaired btw. but this disgust shifted selfimage to ADULT MALE, almost like nier. imagined married to a woman, but still no attraction. "wife protector" feeling was all. still thinking, if i had to do this, could i? TRIGGERED A HACK. KNEW IT WAS IMPENDING AND WAS TERRIFIED. immediate thought, "oh wait, is THIS what sx is?? i don't want this at ALL, EVER." revealed that the drive was just for INTIMACY AND CONNECTION and had nothing to do with physical. miserable.
NOTABLY, RIGHT BEFORE THE HACK HIT, INFI SHOWED UP AND TRIED TO STOP IT. it failed, but infi STAYED to calm us down and console us, visibly distressed and brokenhearted, telling us why did you do that, you know that's not what you want, etc.

third dream
in a huge building, cross between apartments and asylum? strange. i remember lots of red carpeting. janitor girl in upstairs room, we told her to keep us secret or something? we were being looked for, running and trying to hide, even escape? i remmeber looking for a shower stall. also laundry room full of stuffed animals.
anyway at the end, we were hiding in a shower and a man looked in, we hid behind door, he looked almost right at us but left. we thought we were safe, but we ran down the hall to another shower room and suddenly the door was kicked open? matronly woman, "head of asylum" and two korean military soldiers, with masked faces and guns?? woman said, "you are under arrest because you are defending the buddha of the world"? i looked at her and said, "no, i'm not, i'm a christian." she paused, then replied, "then that's worse. you'll have to die." the two men immediately turned their guns on me and fired, BUT INFI SHOWED UP AGAIN!!!! AND CAUGHT THE BULLETS. like they sank into shadow. they freaked out and reloaded, but infi reached out and touched their guns, and there was some sort of change?? like they became "soft" or something; that's how my memory sees it. the men dropped the weapons and fumbled at their necks for suicide pills, but infi touched those too and said "no" very gently, and the pills dissolved into dust. the men were visibly at a loss but infi then touched them, softly reaching out to lay a hand on their arms, and the men changed now, their faces suddenly surprised and moved with emotion. the woman watching protested "what's going on" but infi reached out to her too, put a hand on her arm, and said "you too" or something?? i forget.
MOST IMPORTANTLY, i remember that when Infi stopped the bullets, but before any further action-- I exclaimed in protest, "hey, I could have been a martyr!" but infi immediately responded, with urgent compassion, "they can still become converts!" and THAT'S when ze touched the guns to stop them.
but man. i remember the look on hir face when ze said that. they were so tenderhearted, so anxious that these men were lost. the need was so evidently pressing in their eye, but not afraid, just imploring.
i got the distinct and powerful impression that, when infi touched the three people, the contact "opened their hearts to compassion" or something? like it was relational, it was a breaching of walls and a breaking of apathy, a sudden and direct "imposition of knowledge" concerning what it was to feel someone care. like a waking up of the soul. in that instant, their hearts suddenly felt what it meant to love at it completely destroyed all capacity to do violence or be an enemy.

so that's that. thank You God for giving me such important dreams, however difficult to endure.

HAPPY SUNDAY IT'S 230PM BREAKFAST TIME 😂
Seriously though i don't mind. I'm used to fasting thanks to God's training. Remember yesterday's VOTD about discipline!
Today had been gorgeous, and I thank God for that too.

Dream with grandma wanting "chicken pancakes". So realistic that as soon as I woke up I googled recipes for it haha.
But... honestly I think I've been dreaming about her every night for weeks now. It wasn't like this last year. And... it's so strange. In our dreams, we're always at the homestead, but the era is very starkly different: either we are a child, around age 6-7, or we are in 2021-2022, when she was in home hospice. In both cases she is still bedridden, but she's... not dying? She's not in pain. We're still taking care of her in the dreams, but she is smiling and talking and lucid; it's not like the last days actually were, when her awareness of both self and space was visibly deteriorating from the cancer.
...It feels like God is giving me a "second chance." We weren't conscious for the entire time grandma was ill; we were still "dead" post-CNC, and God only knows who was fronting. So memory only starts to pick up in late 2021, I think? Whenever we started listening to Larnelle Harris and hanging clothes on the porch at night with WVIA jazz playing in the background. They're very broken memories, like looking through someone else's brain from behind, but they're real flashes. Nevertheless, they are very sparse.
But... the point is this. We didn't get to care for her. We weren't ABLE to care for her; we were addicted and abusive and absolutely incapable of doing good for anyone. We didn't even wake up until half a year after she died. And... now, suddenly, when we ARE aware and conscious and SANE for the first time in freakin' YEARS... God is giving us these dreams. We're able to see her, even though we don't "remember" her. It's so strange. We see snippets of childhood, and that house, and it's like photographs that we only saw once suddenly come to life.
But we're grateful. Whether or not we actually remember our body's chronological history, it happened, and it affects us whether we realize it or not. So God giving us these nighttime "visits" is a real grace.

Beautiful post-rain winter sky upon waking, like a big silver fluffy blanket. It was shockingly lovely to see. I lay there with CZ for a bit and just looked at it.

Needed TWO glucose at church today, but didn't feel super sick, just cold & so lightheaded the room was wobbly and my sense of proprioception was failing, haha. That happens when the glucose drops!

CCD kids stopped in between Masses! Impressed and deeply humbled by how simply yet piously Maryann P teaches them the basics. I have a lot to learn, and a lot of foolish pride to lose, if I ever want to teach children too.

MARVELOUS HOMILY. "Choose carefully!!" Fr. P gets SO ZEALOUS i love it so much. He is on fire for the faith.
Basilica broadcast had a good homily too! Tied all three readings together!

HOMESTEAD SMELLS LIKE HEAVEN. IT'S ALL AUTUMN LEAVES.
I absolutely NEED to go up there one day to help work & soak it all in.
Nabbed a pear!

Jade crying over Pepper still missing.
Had a good honest human talk today though. No zany stuff.

1234 on microwave activated Audrey's radio, haha
Did I mention we CAN see her, roughly? I need to make an avatar for her. But she's BRIGHT ORANGE. She has short hair, is a bit chubby, and she always wears big over-ear headphones. She's young, too, maybe only 13. She doesn't talk much, she communicates through music or gestures mainly; when she does talk it's quiet & brief but notably aware & intelligent for her age. She's so sweet, though. We all like her a lot.

"Laurie-analogous" protector slots for EACH color???
Spice thinking about this
Discriminating her function from both Lynne & Adelaide despite close colors

None hour prayers about loving God. "I love You, Lord, my strength, my protection, my Savior," etc. Hit me that I still don't have that personal and close a relationship with Jesus. I'm still both too scared, and too self-dependent??? Which is ironic as I am totally helpless and stupid and I KNOW it. But its learned instinct from childhood. I need to unlearn it. Even better, I need to have a "NEW CHILDHOOD" IN CHRIST!!!

Etymology bliss= learning "claudere" root words!
Honestly when I learn more about the "skeletons" of language it's like a whole new world opens up. I can recognize the bits and pieces in common words all of a sudden, and even guess the meanings of new ones. It's such a wonderful feeling. I get that too when I can properly read Greek or Hebrew letters, which I am getting better at but very slowly, as I'm not actively studying right now due to all my time being dedicated to Scripture study outright. Nevertheless, it involves both languages inevitably, so I'm still getting some knowledge here and there. I treasure it.

We contacted YouVersion help finally. Apparently there are a LOT of known unresolved bugs, so thank God for telling us to be patient and Compassionate and not quit in a snit.
On that note it paid off already-- today we VERY SUDDENLY got back TONS OF PRAYERS that have been assumed deleted for MONTHS??? So hopefully they're NOT all gone, just glitched. Thank You God, and please forgive our stupid impatience. Thank You for not giving up on us; help us to never give up on others, either.

Think8:7 KVOTD intro actually made me laugh out loud. I always enjoy their vids, them and Word of Life.

Evening =

Family donated food. Uncontrollable panic.
Destructive binge.

I am so sick and so scared.
All I want is Jesus.

Dream notes, quick so we don't forget!
I was a CELEBI flying, by huge apartment buildings, Japanese doll festival dolls in every window. Flew to homestead, went inside, turned into child self? grandma was in bed, like home hospice. House roof ripped off by some massive storm outside, literally right above her bed, but she was happy about this?? "That old thing needed to be fixed anyway" or something.
I remember looking through closet & packing clothes? Minimal. Feelings of "you're homeless now so focus on bare essentials."

Up at 830
Took a while to wake up. Body so tired.
Laurie both scolding & encouraging me to hurry

Therapy call
Basically we just reviewed our latest daily phone journals, to give her a snapshot of typical life lately.
Actually VERY enlightening because it revealed PATTERNS, especially with recurring struggles. So KEEP IT UP BROSKI
Mentioned, hesitantly, our "using prayer to fill the obsessive void left by the ending of daily trauma."
SHE ACTUALLY RECCOMMENDED HERESY. WTF MA'AM.
Basically, "You don't have to believe everything the Catholic religion says, in order to be Catholic. Nothing in the Bible says you have to follow all the rules."
I BEG YOUR PARDON HAVE YOU READ THE BIBLE?? OR A DICTIONARY??? THAT'S THE LITERAL ANTITHESIS OF RELIGION.

Brain a mess afterwards
Did about 15m of journal cleanup, lots to do yet
IRELAND MASS!
The sweetest old priest, God bless him
SO SO SO HAPPY that we found a daily live Mass website FOR THE UK.

ACV spill from hurrying, so unexpected laundry
Fit schedule perfectly though
Lynne, Julie, Wreckage ALL "giving orders" to help out. Laurie was actually very happy about this
"We SHOULD all be working TOGETHER to take care of the Core; it shouldn't just be my job"
Emphasizing special roles WITHIN larger roles. Uniqueness within a community.

"Our brain is just carrots right now"

Bible plan:
Laurie "why is asking for forgiveness so hard?"
Mimic "because its opening up a wound"

VERY hopeful & consoling commentary on HOLY FEMININITY from Saint John Chrysostom. Very relevant to our situation actually. Definitely reflect on this.

UPMC TRANSCRIPTION!
Honestly I think I'm doing more praying by reading the Faith Filled language of these then when I'm mechanically and robotically reciting prayer cards.
Does this count? Can I offer this up as an act of worship?

Notes for dream last night.
(speech to text on phone)

We were at some sort of county fair but there were a ton of Bible study groups going on.
There was also a lot of food being sold for some reason.
I remember at one point a huge cart went by, full of dead deer carcasses, that had been shot. As it passed, I could clearly smell blood on them, like raw meat.
Almost immediately, I felt this triggering out Razor? I felt the pull in any case, but I knew it would be dangerous if she fronted so dissociation kicked in and i rushed out of the area i think? i remember feeling scared more on her behalf than mine, like it wouldn't be safe for her to be out around a crowd.
So right after that, we went to An Isle in the back and there were selling bags of carrots, And there were some that were literally about 4 inches wide. Huge things. So we grabbed the 2 bags and of course we were teasing Julie about the "lunker carrots"

The most important part of The dream was at the beginning and at the end.

At the beginning of the dream, I remember our dad was supposed to pick us up and drive us somewhere? But I think it was on a plane? I remember flying over the valley and seeing all these huge storm clouds.
But we got up the Homestead at one point and we had no socks? we were on the porch; jewel was looking for her phone. Yes Jewel. And she Flat-out declared to the boys-- who of course were all kids-- "I think I left my phone with dad; I'm gonna go fly over and get it." And she was literally about to dream-fly outside. And something stopped her. I wish it hadn't, because her sense of absolute freedom and confidence was amazing.

The next important part is at the end of the dream.
Again, I know we are at the 'county fair' and I don't know who was fronting but we were Talking to this super cute Jewish girl. I remember she was wearing all pink. She was asking us why Christian families don't even teach the kids about anitsemitism. I said I didn't know, and unfortunately the community I grew up in didn't even tell me that it existed; I had to painfully find out that myself as an adult. She got really sad and started to read something on her phone, and went non-speaking. I recognize the behavior. And so I didn't even touch her or try to physically comfort her; I knew that would be triggering. So I gently asked her, "would you like me to leave you to yourself now?" she nodded yes.
So we got up to walk away but?? We were stuck behind all these crowds. People at stands were there, there was jewelry and makeup and really silly stuff.
And we were in a hurry for some reason so we tried to fly over Them? But we tripped somehow; they were moving too much. We fell on the ground and people were yelling at us and we felt really Disturbed and scared and-- lo and behold. Who came out full force fronting but RAZOR.
I need to note, she actually talked for like several minutes as we walked away. She was trying to justify herself I think to People? that she wasn't dangerous. because I think they were freaking out that she was an alter.
I very clearly remember how clear her voice was, and her overlay and vibe. I also remember her explicitly saying how she used to be violent Because she hadn't learned what empathy was at the beginning. She didn't understand other people had feelings or felt pain. But then she said, when she realized that they did, And notably that Hurting people also hurt the hearts of People who cared about her victims, She stopped being violent Because now she cared about All of them too.

We reached a stairwell or something, I forget what, and then Razor switched out hard. The whole body shook and we were so confused; there was a huge gap of fronting memory loss. Then this super cute girl rushed over to help us and I remember how flustered we were. we said she was the cutest thing we'd ever seen. I remember she was wearing all blue.
Other than our mother and astra Showed up? They told us we had to stay at this fair until after 5 PM. they were trying to force us to eat fair food and also Do something with presenting someone else's craft? It was a metal Christmas tree sculpture of Sorts. We said no, we didn't know who was the person who made it, let alone what to say on their behalf or how. And we gave it back to her at the ticket booth. We weren't going to stay until five. I clearly remember us spitting out some food she forced on us, she gave us some sort of fried meat, it was disgusting

Now here was the best part. We somehow ended up going back to the stairwell; I think we were running away from mom. But Razor switched back out and was running up them, But even she wasn't fast enough and then who switched out but MEWTWO??? And she said, "I could fly up the stairwell, straight up the middle!" and she did. Was amazing with that her fronting actually seemed to take over the whole body and give her her powers.
We made it to the roof and the sky was still as cloudy as it was in the dream, Purple and red stormy looking like a klonoa boss battle. And there was some sort of huge Canyon behind Where this fair building is. And some sort of giant spider robot creature there? A final boss.
So we had to fight this thing in the body BY fronting. Because that was giving us powers this time, which is amazing. Razor and Mewtwo were out again, and so were Laurie, Lynne, and Leon and Julie. They all had their weapons and defeated that thing. It was amazing feeling everyone move through.

That's all I remember but it was so notable I had to take notes as soon as I woke up

0701

"I" CAN'T EAT WITH WHITE OR RED HUE
HAS TO BECOME BROWN OR BLACK!!!

So much switching while eating = based on action taken & mood of it?? Different "manners" of eating, different jobs on phone, etc.
ALL CAUSE A HARD DISSOCIATIVE SWITCH!!! and a consequent headache for the record
- Tumblr posting
- picking apart food
- biting pieces off
ALL of these actions TRIGGER out different girl corpufoni??? all with very disheveled & negative vibes

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0702

Scalpel now feeling ragesorrow when fronting, like Knife was
Wondering if this is all being split off from LAURIE in some way??

Laurie “enabling” bad behavior, just letting foni do things even if they seem unwise, COMPLETE CORRUPTION OF HER FUNCTION. Wondering why?
Because she’s supposed to TALK IT OUT. She’s supposed to DEBATE AND REASON, and with that suddenly being TAKEN from us, in order to SURVIVE, her function is “skipping a step” and just letting things occur that SHOULD be questioned because she’s not “ALLOWED” to question currently.
She is losing all her honor, integrity, wisdom, fortitude, etc. she is dying.

Laurie wondering if she “needs to die” because she thinks she “came back wrong” after cnc.
Honestly I think we all did. It wasn’t a real solid resurrection; it was a gradual, feeble “coalescing” into shadows of our former selves.
We need a HARD REBOOT so that we come back COMPLETE.

jo IS reviving???? name change. "yosifina" or something. definitely an i or y beginning, not j.

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0710

John 6 discourse makes SO much easy sense when you ask, just like a psychologist, "what is your heart hungry for? How can you feed your soul today?" And those instinctive, literally visceral responses APPLY TO CHRIST. THAT'S what He means by "you must EAT Me." You're feeding your HEART & SOUL with Him! It's like how you would "eat" music (I have a playlist for that), or devour a book, or drink in a beautiful landscape. You get the idea!
BUT the faith that enables this ALSO allows for the next huge step in the Eucharist: the ACTUAL physical "eating" of Christ, more of a "consuming & being consumed," a mutual Communion, a fusion of selves, etc. Think Infi. Think cardiophagy. There is an even DEEPER and more sacred hunger, that TOUCHES & SANCTIFIES THE PHYSICAL, that Christ meets.
Humankind was CREATED TO BE UNITED TO GOD. The Fall wrecked this for a time. Christ comes as the Tree of Life to FIX & RESTORE us. THAT is why He gives His flesh as bread: because it's the ONLY WAY to LITERALLY GET DIVINITY BACK INTO OUR PHYSICAL BODIES. We're actually SUPPOSED to eat God. It's absolutely insane & gorgeous & Ineffable, I love being Catholic
It's also shockingly obvious: how does a mother feed her children? SAME THING.

Think like a child & it's all apparent.
What is eating? It's taking something into yourself so you can stay alive, and it will make you strong & help you grow.
"Food is fuel"; food comes from other living things, either plants or animals. Their life is given up & becomes part of our life.
Etc. CONTINUE

"only believe, and thou hast eaten; " reflect on what this says ABOUT the nature of belief
ALSO "eat His body in a spiritual manner" = think of the basic concept of ANCHOR PLUSHES. Substance vs accidents. This is spiritual vs physical BUT ALSO BOTH.
"If you with to enter into the spirit of my words, raise your hearts to a more elevated and spiritual way of understanding them" = if you only think of this as regular food, as normal eating, you MISS THE ENTIRE TRUTH. The Capernaum folks couldn't get their minds off the manna & bread, so they were blind to the actual point. Their understanding was stuck on the CARNAL level... like being stuck in SOCIAL MODE.
"The flesh profiteth nothing" WITHOUT SPIRIT INSIDE IT. But the spirit does not destroy the body, otherwise the Incarnation wouldn't have happened! The really beautiful thing is the SANCTIFICATION of it!
"I live by the Father, proceeding always from him" = a CONTINUED action; so too must be our eating & be-ing as a result; UNITED EXISTENCE; symbiotic?? Indivisible
""so [too is] he that eateth me," = first by faith only, by believing in me;" = if you have no faith in His Divinity you cannot receive it, BECAUSE you won't come to Him FOR it!!! Without faith you are treating the Sacrament with GRAVE IRREVERENCE. Saint Paul warned about this. You can still eat it "as bread," sure, but without faith it's a ghastly sin, for obvious reasons. Ask any lotophagoi.

"God is said to draw them to himself by special and effectual graces, yet without any force or necessity, without prejudice to the liberty of their free-will. A man, says St. Augustine, is said to be drawn by his joys, and by what he loves... We are drawn to the Father by some secret joy, delight, or love, which brings us to the Father. "Believe and you come to the Father," says St. Augustine, "Love, and you are drawn... [many] could not believe, because they would not love" ???
TYPE ABOUT THIS.
WHAT do we love? What do we enjoy & find happiness in? THAT IS WHAT POTENTIALLY DRAWS US TO GOD????
Use this for EVANGELIZATION

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0713

90M INTAKE, SYSTEM ONLINE BUT STANDING ASIDE??? Very peculiar, unmistakable feeling
WRECKAGE SPOKE!!!!
We think the main social fronter, that talks, is actually JAYCE??? It's NOT Jack!!

Roadwork meditation trees

Home, exhausted
More jobs & requests from mom. Refusing to complain or grumble. Accepting it all with open mind & heart

Barry murdered ONE bottle

"Dump truck mindset" culture
Julie lamenting over Potiphar's wife; "I was just as capable of that"

Jesus as Mediator is SO DIFFERENT from other religions because it SERVES A RELATIONSHIP.
Other faiths have worship, or self-deification. Christianity is the ONLY one that brings us TO GOD, BY GOD, to be WITH GOD. There is a PERSONAL, INTIMATE, FAMILIAR LOVE that is unique to our faith.

SYSTEM RELEVANCE (ESPECIALLY LAURIE; THIS IS HER TRUE FUNCTION & PAST STRUGGLE)=

"The scribes and the Pharisees were the legal experts of the day; to them problems were taken for decision. It is clear that to them authority was characteristically critical, censorious and condemnatory. That authority should be based on sympathy, that its aim should be to reclaim the criminal and the sinner, never entered their heads. They conceived of their function as giving them the right to stand over others like grim invigilators, to watch for every mistake and every deviation from the law, and to descend on them with savage and unforgiving punishment; they never dreamed that it might lay upon them the obligation to cure the wrongdoer.
There are still those who regard a position of authority as giving them the right to condemn and the duty to punish. They think that such authority as they have has given them the right to be moral watch-dogs trained to tear the sinner to pieces; but all true authority is founded on sympathy... The first duty of authority is to try to understand the force of the temptations which drove the sinner to sin and the seductiveness of the circumstances in which sin became so attractive. No man can pass judgment on another unless he at least tries to understand what the other has come through. The second duty of authority is to seek to reclaim the wrongdoer. Any authority which is solely concerned with punishment is wrong; any authority, which, in its exercise, drives a wrongdoer either to despair or to resentment, is a failure. The function of authority is not to banish the sinner from all decent society, still less to wipe him out; it is to make him into a good man. The man set in authority must be like a wise physician; his one desire must be to heal."

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0716

Cayenne = can he come back If his anchor remains?
Would also take the "automated name" off poor Scalpel
Did ALL Daengels have TRUE hearthosts like Infi or did they just STICK to resonant hearts???
After all CHOCOLOCO defied that assumption and is STILL AROUND.
Remember Axis too, w the homily on dirt

Laurie: "Saying you like prog rock is your own brand of pretentious assholery. I advise you to quit now, before your brain makes receptors for it"

Said Vespers together
Wreckage & Razor magnificat

Fire alarm, looking through old Moralimon tablets as usual
G2 was HEAVEN
Still love the Seers so much

Scalpel "we're being cheapened" = doing generic daily stuff IN PLACE OF actual anchors. Hence the anger & sadness. It's LOSS, of purpose in action, being shoved into a lesser, unfulfilling, unrelated "job" that cheats their spirit.
INNER NOUSFONI SHOULD NEVER BE DOING OUTSIDE JOBS!!!!!!

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0730
dream notes
In dream
Wind, flying. Whitefog fading out in distance
Women forcing pregnancy talk. Melody with us? Acting Childlike. In stupor?
On porch with bro? Lady sweetalking, trying to get info?
Came to us. Grabbed shoulders? IMMEDIATELY started screaming crying for help like a tiny child. JUST AS FAST, WRECKAGE TOOK OVER. Turned on the woman with all claws & rage. Told her "get your fcking hands off of my children"

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0731

Nightmares about mom
Dismantled Christmas tree, "i thought i was doing you a favor"
WRECKAGE & LAURIE FRONTING IN DREAM
SOMEONE Growling & hissing at white toybreed dog that got into our apartment?? THEN Wreckage took over? Blurry. Immediate snarling response felt like someone else, faceless & confronting maybe. But we KNOW such a foni exists in waking. That instinct is STILL THERE. Wreckage shares it, but not so animalistic. Wreckage will growl as a threat, but NEVER this loud cat-like hissing!! CHILDHOOD "SELF" DID THAT TOO REMEMBER!!!!

Up at 1111, got ready for TV church SUPER fast haha
Two Canadian churches? Second was St Clare with the COLORED LIGHTS!
Homily: God works His Victory through APPARENT FAILURES! Cross, golden calf, also the MUSTARD TREE & YEAST??? Parallel we never noticed! "Would have shocked the audience" "no farmer wants a mustard tree in the middle of his field; no housewife wants her bread dough to start fermenting" AND YET, God works GOOD from it.
https://www.scielo.org.za/scielo.php?script=sci_arttext&pid=S1015-87582013000200014 READ THIS BRO
Second homily: crisis reveals character (crisis reveals Christ-is)! Be willing to "drop everything" to be a messenger of God's Love to others. Laurie saying "kid that's what you've been doing lately, by grace" TRUE, humbly & joyfully, may God increase that grace for His sake
Spiritual Communion. We needed this actually; it sinks in deeper & hits harder. We LACK FAITH??? Not just in Christ, in EVERYTHING. Somehow, since CNC we have become DEAD IN DOUBT & DISBELIEF, based on SHAME & CYNICISM????? WHY & HOW??? THIS ISN'T US!!!
Deep down KNOWING we believe but as an ACT OF WILL. No emotions. Does that still count? Feels like we're at war.
Asking for God to "set my heart on fire" = looked at the RING!! "Just like that"

Rosary now. Want to do this with biking before we eat.
We're back to listening to music and looking at the photo gallery while we say the rosary. It helps SO much; it makes it feel more real and genuine, more personally involved & NOT automated.

Egg trouble, had to toss & redo. Hidden blessing though.
AMAZING devotionals today.
1. Mustard seed growth ACTIONS, good AND bad
2. Call to faith & vocation DOES have dry & dark periods
3. Fast & pray IN LOVE for YOUR "ENEMIES" like Moses did

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Dream: (rough notes)
in big library, kid named Julia, big fan of Celebi. playing with little clear plastic toys of her & venusaur. we joined her & said we were a huge fan of celebi too. she was overjoyed and we hit it off immediately
talking to her & her mom about pokemon movies? julia had life trauma from the time she watched "the one with shaymin & darkrai" and when we mentioned it she actually stress-vomited. library called the ambulance, said we "had to go to the ER" as "proper procedure" because legally if we needed it and didn't go they'd get sued or something. so we were waiting for the ambulance and i think it was pouring rain outside, like buckets of it. parking lot looked like a lake.
RIGHT AROUND HERE we WOKE UP BRIEFLY but thanks be to God when we fell back asleep it was soon enough that we went RIGHT BACK INTO THE DREAM... BUT ON A BETTER DREAM LEVEL. which means we were CONSCIOUS!!!
we were in ER waiting room now. JAY was fronting. white hair and all. he was talking to julia, calming her down. "i have a best friend named julie"
Laurie showed up! i think in further response to this friend-foni talk. julia's mother asked who she was, Jay said she was his "body&soul-guard"
"That's the sweetest thing you've said to me all week" "only this week?" "yeah you've got a sugarhigh of a history kiddo"
JEWEL showed up, i think through HOOPA opening a portal?? wanted to help julia with healing the trauma around the pokemon movie?
i remember her smiling, putting her arms out, then stepping back and FALLING?? like she fell OUT of this reality and INTO another, into the air actually. she was above an ocean, with a single island below. as she fell, she was transforming INTO a skyform shaymin, but more klonoa-styled haha. on the island it was all gracidea flowers & landform shaymin. saw her, shocked, transformed too. jewel told her that she needed a flower as a gift, and also if she could come with her i think??
also manaphy in the ocean?? suddenly showed up, made a little vase of "pure water" for it. then DARKRAI showed up??? specifically one she KNEW. there was a powerful feeling of relationship, but NOT ventrium; this was one from her game?? anyway he wanted to help with the healing too of course, so he tried to put "anti-nightmare" energy into the flowers, made them turn glowy indigo, but shaymin was nervous, it was reacting oddly. darkrai apologized, took the energy back. jewel said it's okay, we'll still find something for you to do. then jewel called HOOPA (he was the one from the system!!) & took the vase of flowers to XERNEAS and had him "bless it" so the flower would never die. going back to the island, darkrai then made a little crystal moon charm and put it on the ribbon, filled the charm with that good-dream energy. he said something about cresselia having given him her blessing? so he could do things like that.
SOMEONE put the ribbon on that vase too. i cannot remember who. was it diancie??
oh but the last person to show up was MEWTWO! and yes she was the one we've known SINCE CHILDHOOD. i forget what she did, but i know she added some sort of charm to the ribbon too.
anyway, after all this Jewel & Hoopa & Darkrai went back to the ER room and presented the flowers & vase to Julia, explaining the motive, and she was obviously both moved & thrilled, thanked them so much. her mother was just amazed but smiling at all this. it was all so sweet.
also lastly YES CELEBI SHOWED UP. i cannot remember when, maybe before jewel, but she was talking to Julia in person. i remember jay looking at her with powerful affection. her eyes were very clear. she said she was "just one celebi," there were many, and she "wasn't julia's celebi" but she still cared about her. and she would "find her own celebi" one day? as a true friend? something like that. all struck our heart very deeply.
we woke up somewhere around here, because we FELT the waking world encroaching in, whenever we're conscious in dreams we wake up "soft," like surfacing from being underwater. there's no change in mental awareness, like the hard and often painful "jolt-break" from unconscious dreams.
i DO remember that we said something to julia & her mom as we left, because our departure WAS VISIBLE in the dream obviously.

within ten minutes of waking, sudden phone call.
JADE EVICTED AGAIN.

BK rush. Music on to prevent panic. cleanup early.
everyone in headspace asking what was going on, it was so weird & unusual. worried.

MOM CALLED the minute we finally sat down to eat. said GO MOVE JADE OUT NOW
Left breakfast immediately & drove out. learning to be prompt in doing good, still learning not to "complain" like we mentioned "do you want me to leave now? because i just sat down to eat, so i need to know if i should stick it in the fridge and just run" etc. why do you need to passively mention the inconvenience. shut up. stop doing that. stop being so selfish.
STILL. we obeyed immediately. did not gripe or whine at ALL. not even the feelings to do so. THANK GOD. means that corrupt interference is losing its push. genuine self getting better anchor. thank You God. keep praying for grace!!

had to help Jade clean up & pack, then unpack onto porch of family house. didn't go in, no keys but also did not want that atmosphere to slam into our memory like the truck in sonic adventure haha
telling jade that the forest outside that house "feels genuinely sacred." it's diamew after all. said we would stand in front of the real estate monolith's bulldozers if we had to, we would NOT let them touch the woods. it would be sacrilege.

MANIC SINGERS pushed out home drive, "we're doing our job, burning off the stress!" rubellite i think her name is. the one that feels a bit like jewel but notably isn't. actually really touching to hear that she knows she has a JOB and she is doing it FOR OTHERS. changes the whole vibe.
ACTUAL JEWEL out momentarily for Keane comment, that album belonged to S&B first!!!

BK finally at 2pm haha. It's cold, bonus points for that in this heat, thanks God!
actually tasted a LOT better this way haha. might have to do this on purpose tomorrow.
Gotta rush for church!

MADE IT just barely haha
mom singing throaty and forced and overly dramatic. actually made us nauseous with BOTH fear & rage. went NUMB though, instead of furious. starting to feel more like we're trapped in trauma now, when we hear her. "fight" is turning to "freeze".

memory failure bad today, like usual. too much stress & phone calls & family disturbance. cannot remember much at all. brain doesn't want to. can't cope with it if it did.

said full set of night prayers. fought both mental & physical fatigue to do so. "heroic virtue" motivation, even in tiny things.
took almost 90m. exhausted.

trying to get back into system mindset
realizing the reason we've felt dormant since may is because of the OUTSIDE FOCUS. the jademonth and then the novena. and the MOVIE MARATHON IS ON A DIFFERENT LEVEL TOO?? closer to heartspace. makes sense; that's Jewel's territory

just realized what time it is and we have to be up at 7 for church!

070423

Horrific nightmares again. please forgive the ugly language.
in old school bathroom stall, the last one, like a child. DOG GANGRAPE. they all rushed in and were destroying us. we began screaming, almost robotically which was disturbing. i was numb but the body was screaming like a child, emotionless yet terrified at the same time. but in response, these angry adult people just came into the bathroom, glaring, "what are you yelling for?" "stop making all that noise!" glaring and WATCHED us get raped. did not care. Disturbing. then when the dogs left, one woman GOT INTO THE STALL, and SAT DOWN behind us and WATCHED and wouldn't let use use the bathroom unless she was watching. we just left, still completely numb and now traumatically so.
BUT THANK GOD the dream ended positively, with us in the school attic. felt like we weren't supposed to be there, had to hide. i clearly remember seeing in the walls, stained glass of two Fakemon made by the old graduating classes? “Kyreon,” a dark teal-blue dragon Eeveelution, and then “Siren,” which looked like Galarian Articuno but more pink?
during this part I was a DRAGON, japanese style. Like a pure white wyrm. I was able to FLY EFFORTLESSLY like this, even when I COULDN’T OTHERWISE. also my SENSE OF SELF actually REGISTERED as a dragon, NOT as a human. as a human it was some female-pronoun social with no identity sense.
Before this, for the record, that girl-dreamer was walking through the “new” school with a bunch of younger kids? Telling them about what was behind the doors they weren’t allowed to go through, haha. still felt like she wasn't supposed to be there, would get in trouble if the parents or teachers saw her or knew she was talking to the kids? notably a "you're not supposed to be NOW" in a chronological sense, like she was from another time or space, and was telling these kids things about the past/future/whatever that they weren't supposed to know? very subtle conspiracy vibe. somehow also applied to us becoming a dragon later.
don't forget, when we went into the attic we had to hide on the very top shelf in the very back corner by the siren window, as a dragon. i clearly remember what it felt like to fly up there, all smooth riverlike twining through the air, our very movement feeling as soft silky white as our fur. i think we also had gold claws? we had little arms with claws, like in "spirited away," haku as a dragon. and at some point we got reverted to human? and we FELL, as we were falling, our SELF-- not the girl!!!-- thought, wait, if i can fly before we hit the ground... and willed it, but NOT as a human flying, as a dragon floating. and we FELT gravity's effect on us shift ENTIRELY. that was such an amazing feeling tangibly.
so yeah. half good half hell, this dream. we've been having so so so many traumatic nightmares lately. i think it's the heat, the summer kills us.

Anyway. Woke up at 745, got ready for church. Shocked that Jesus DID get us through the night, let that deep gratitude shock sink in.
Mass was quiet but lovely. We were oddly dissociated. The antiphons and songs hit LOWER notes which felt wonderful to sing for once.

Tried to visit dad after but he wasn’t home
Listening to Genesis’s playlist on the drive home; Razia’s Shadow notably.

Spent the next hour biking and praying, then precooked broccoli
Went to oblates mass for noon

THIS is when the System woke up for real today.
We felt the “floaty” head like we used to get at LCCC and I say that because it was a HARD TRIGGER of that EXACT time period. We were getting visual flashbacks even. Shocked.

BEFORE MASS… Jay and Chaos 0 talking together. Jay seeing the ocean water in stained glass and Chaos saying “that’s Perfect’s color/vibe”; Jay said then what are you? A river, a lake, a stream, what?
Chaos replied “I’m a well, in the desert.” pause. ‘at least that’s what I want to be.”
mindscape warped there. “i don't feel like i’m any good here. Whatever water I bring, it gets evaporated, or lost in the hot sand.”
jay spoke up, “not if you’re underground. you’re kept safe underground, at the heart of things, and even secretly you bring life to the most barren places”
then wondering. “but wait, where does that water come from?”
cz looked up. “from the mountains. ...it’s melted snow. And it flows down the mountain, through the rocky places, into cracks in the earth perhaps… down into the underground.”
jay’s eyes lit up. “into the caves!” cz laughed “you like caves so much” jay “i do!” then summoned a glass/light “CYLINDER” to literally “pull out” a chunk of ground to go down into it. Then summoned crystal spiral steps going down. Started down but realized mass externally was prepping, so jay just took cz’s hand and jumped down, warping the stairs into a crystal umbrella as he did, they floated down.
In the cavern was a river. Jay laughed and jumped into it. Up to his ears. Cz eased himself in too, stood next to him but opposite direction. Just smiled at him.
Jay feeling cupid vibes here. Odd gold dust overlay almost.
Mass beginning outside. Jay “merged” that with the innervision; realized the central carpet between the aisles was BLUE: “that’s the water!” inside turned to that, an UNDERGROUND CHURCH with the stream down the center, the cave making arches and aisles, and the open sky far above like a cathedral ceiling. Beautiful. Jay saying “we need churches like this in ALL the color realms.”
turning to cz. “which one do you want?” reply “jay, i’m an outspacer. I don’t get a realm.” jay “hm. I guess you’re right.” considering a realm intersection of green/blue, but then cz observed “outspacers belong in the leagueworlds anyway.” jay said “dude then is there one of you for each leagueworld? Like color realms in concept?” cz’s eyes widened “maybe.” really an amazing thought.

A bunch of people fronting at church. Very specific, particular roles. Many we “recognize” by feelings, but with no name or clear face.
Jophael= for mass worship
veil= for quiet prayer, marian focus? (her appearance shifted back from the nun. Wondering if that splintered or if she’s too unstable to keep anything solid yet.)
monk= for quiet prayer, warm heart
“tilly” = the one who “talks on tumblr” but has NO cognizance of personal sin
also there WERE “sinners” out--
JAYCE was there, feeling shame for his stealing?? too much social vibe for real contrition; aware of this lack
JESSICA was there, feeling guilt for “filthiness”
JEZELKA was there, feeling guilt for gluttonous drive
perhaps others. can’t remember right now.
Others came out DURING mass too.
there’s that WATCHER GIRL, she feels PINKISH??? but desaturated. Close to ashen actually, odd. she’s up in the space where the COMMITTEE was???? she watches and comments on things like a NARRATOR space.
there’s a girl who kind of vibes with the body name, feels reddish, close to the body, tied to childhood perhaps? But her faith has no roots, it feels like.

Jay in tears, “why don’t I have the fervor I want for communion,” asking “why can’t I receive?” what’s wrong, why is he lacking that religious zeal? Where did it go? Infi used to have it. Why can’t ze come back yet?

Realizing the body DISSOCIATES when we receive, up until we kneel back down and close our eyes. Then jay WAS able to be there, but only in a secondhand way? Feeling like we ALL could and had to be there, recieveing AS A SYSTEM. No one allowed to claim it as theirs alone.
Thanking god for making us a “united soul” on this fourth of july

home for 1
typing this now, took 20 minutes, gotta cook the eggs son!!!

but yeah, thinking we are going to KEEP this early day schedule, because it seems like when we wake up and immediately fast for like 6 hours we get into that mindset where HEADSPACE EVENTS can happen, what we used to call “meditations” but are more like “vision adventures?”

OH MY GOSH ON THAT NOTE. Later, with jay and cz upstairs in mass.
SOMETHING brought to jay’s mind INFI’S BUBBLE. Oh yeah the spheres on the altar with the candles!! and the reflections were upside down.
Jay tried to ping the location of hir bubble, and it is CRASHED??? like a spaceship landed on the beach and just left there. it’s cracked open to the air, full of lilies, crystallized, but DESATURATED. It feels hollow. But the big thing is that it has apparently crashed onto a BLACK SAND BEACH, with a WHITE OCEAN and WHITE SKY. it’s surreal. Everything is so quiet and still. Where is this???
jay and cz standing on the shore looking at it. Jay a LUCID moment of looking down at his feet, feeling the black sand beneath it, it’s not warm. Felt almost like soft glass. His feet were bare, again with that brushed-gold tone like paint. Cz standing next to him, realized his color was desaturated a bit too while he was there. Both of them just staring at the bubble in shock. “where is this?”
shocked out of this mindscape by returning to mass

that’s it for now, time for breakfast, pray that our brain still works after we eat, I swear postmeal brainfog is the WORST.

-------------------------------------------

realized we don’t talk as a system during mealtime bible study anymore because we’re READING, not studying-- we’re reading commentaries and expositions, as opposed to reading ACTUAL scripture verses, and therefore looking into etymology and translations and the like. So we don’t have the opportunity to discuss-- AND it’s a DIFFERENT brainspace, arguably a different FRONTER, because reading requires a completely different conscious process than researching, and therefore a different person. it’s more receptive and internal, whereas research is more active and investigative. Two totally different functions. Which explains the lack of internal conversation: that CAN’T happen while reading, in the same way a social can’t read, ironically! it’s a function conflict. Realizing that was eyeopening and interesting, albeit upsetting, because I miss the headspace camaraderie over our religious growth. It feels like we’re lacking that now.
OH. also. There IS ANOTHER huge shift whenever someone tries to “post to tumblr,” which causes MEMORY LAPSES EVERY TIME. it’s hugely disorienting and chaos 0 keeps scolding us to stop, because it breaks the entire train of focus, dissociates us heavily, and makes us FORGET WHAT WE JUST READ. It does no good. it’s a compulsive people-pleasing panic action, even if the motives are arguably good in theory-- “i have to share this with people to evangelise them, it’s too important to not publicize after reading! If I kept it to myself that would be a sin!” we don’t know who that person is BUT they run the tumblr. No face no name, but a girl. I think they avoid having a self because of their “evangelistic” bent.

Another note, concerning fronters, and this tumblr-girl coming back into focus.
We… we realized today that we are missing most of last year, and notably, a key month was JULY.
January: missing. Probably just taking care of grandma. If we had a music memory log (I don’t think spotify records that, last.fm used to, which is why we GOT A NEW ONE at last) that would tell us.
February: MOVING IN. that’s all we know.
March: gym rat mode, then COVID HIT. We had to quarantine for two-three weeks, and we still say that is what killed grandma. She thought we abandoned her, she couldn’t understand the forced isolation, her memory didn’t hold that fact.
April: grandma died.
May: no memory. First week was eating disorder hell, nonstop sobbing, and self-abusive meltdowns. Wanted to die. Felt like the world had ended.
June: missing.
July: no memory until the SUMMER WARS MORNING. That was a turning point of our life. This happened around the time of the St. Anne’s novena, which is COMING UP FAST, and we plan to celebrate it as such.
August: missing. Probably the “pokemon sc-vo omelet hell” time period. don’t ask.
September: missing.
October: UPMC, we know for sure. Memories are sparse and fragmented, flashbulb memories of (you guessed it) moments when we felt some sort of existential fear/ rage/ panic/ emptiness/ grief/ etc.
November: missing.
December: missing.
So yeah, there’s like… SIX MONTHS GONE. As for this year, it’s similar-- we don’t remember January OR February offhand, at all. We have a vague awareness of some major events that happened that we can’t readily attach a date too, but… disturbingly enough, although the System has been awake this year, we don’t have ANY memories AT ALL until… until Infi died.
...I think that says a lot. That denotes a major “core” shift. And we need new jargon for the distinctions-- the “Cores” are ALWAYS the Jewels and the Jays (if that bloodline doesn’t shatter), because they are the HEARTS of heartspace and headspace, respectively. The other main bloodlines-- like the Cannons, notably-- are NOT “CORES” because they don’t have that hinge function??? Remember that, at the time they WERE in the “core” position, THEY HELD THE “JEWEL” OR “JAY” NAME. So that’s important.
The old “cores” are still around-- the young Jewels, the cupid-era Jays-- BUT they are NOTABLY NOT RESONANT AS CORES RIGHT NOW. They aren’t the “natural driver” in that respect; they have to move in and front like any other nousfoni now. As for who IS the current “Jewel”… we have no idea.
...I say this ironically, as I’m arguably shaping up to be that one. But i’m a mess. I’m a shambles, a handful of broken stained glass, to attempt to appropriate that old core aesthetic. But does it match? Should it? Do I want it to? Would that break me or someone else? These are the questions we need to ask.

Speaking of questions, before I forget.
We’re trying to get back into therapy, as we’ve mentioned previously. Things keep coming up in conversation or daily events that reveal old wounds that apparently never healed as much as we thought they did.
Jay and Chaos 0 are STILL having relationship troubles because there is STILL an inexplicable, subconscious terror at people “acting like Q,” which apparently Chaos does, however subtly. Someone needs to sit down and LIST exactly what constitutes acting like that. What are the signs, what makes them so scary?
We still want to try to write down whatever memories we can find about CNC, too, because in light of SLC haunting us so heavily despite only having about 6 collective months there, we spent like a year and a half in CNC and we barely remember it. We can’t even remember Oliver. That’s insane. We spent that long with them, in such close company, apparently feeling so strongly towards them, and… there’s no memory. The only reason we even “remember” their face is from that SINGLE positive memory that some unidentified person kept, and which has unlocked access. But, even then, it’s so vague we couldn’t even describe it. It’s genuinely upsetting. We have no idea what their voice sounded like, either. Any memories about their physical
presence beyond that are locked behind traumawalls and screaming foni. there’s too much. Now is not the time, I know we keep saying that, but our schedule does not allow it and neither does our lack of coping mechanisms to deal with whatever horrors we have to stare in the face.

Kitchen prep today. Very little memory. Schedule was weird because we went to mass at noon and had to rush even more when we came back, so we could get to bed early tonight as we have to drive jade to the doctor tomorrow morning and have to be up at 630 again. But I digress.
Scalpel, like Knife, keeps catching ragegrief lately. I stick the words together because they are inextricable. he’s pinning it to “you keep adding so much cayenne pepper/ pepper flakes to the food, you told me they were an abuse mechanism, why won’t you stop??” and spice is notably MIA, some days she’s not even around, which is disturbing, as her original function WAS to rage at people for drowning our food in spices until it became inedible, hence her name. But… she hasn’t been around. Scalpel is showing up and berating whoever is doing it, which honestly feels like “nobody” (a disturbing realization as well), but there’s too much anger-on-the-verge-of-sobs for it to be just about that. Something is being rerouted through him, something with no other outlet, using the excess spicy food as an excuse. The fact that it’s being tied to self-abuse methods as a “reason” is notable.
Knife is similar. Like we said before, when he fronts in order to use the knife to cut things, his color temporarily darkens to how it was when he was first “born” (need jargon for that), and the same thing happens-- he feels a frustrated anger, something moving close to rage in its burning, and beneath it these heavy sobs.
that’s what “overwhelm” typically holds. it’s what cannon cut herself off from. it’s what laurie has been running from, God it terrifies me how BADLY she’s slipping lately. she’s a disaster. it’s so wrong.
Everything is wrong somehow. Since Infi died everything is wrong somehow.
Jay keeps running from relationships, or at least, we keep pinning that action to his name because we assume he’s the main fronter, but he’s NOT. Whoever is out, who KEEPS pronoun-slipping to “she”, is obsessive-compulsively praying, giving the steering wheel over to the lotophagoi, and numbing all emotions while denying all relationships.

This brings us back to last july.
June wrecked us. we’re relapsing hard.
July is a hell month in any case. Like october, we can name several trauma dates that happened around this time, over several years. This month also is as hot as hell, which cranks up the fibromyalgia, so the physical torment that we can’t escape from is traumatic in its own right.
(all these fireworks outside are hell too. I don’t know why but we literally don’t register such sounds as fireworks, ever. They all register as bombs, as guns, as explosions. Sometimes we get “flashbacks” to warzones that we’ve never been part of physically. it’s so real. it’s utterly unsettling. I don’t know how much is “exotrauma” and how much is just our actual cptsd from cannon’s days plus oneirataxic tendencies making all our forced shocksite exposure into pseudomemory… either way, time to crank up the volume on spotify for the next two hours)

subject shift while music is on, we didn’t add to this earlier.
genesis’s “vibe” musically is very very different from what we’re “used to”? he’s so energetic, upbeat, bubble, optimistic… and, whoever was listening to it today, driving to and from church, could not seem to “sync” with it. They kept looking for quieter, instrumental, slow music instead. Genesis was a bit offended, said this felt like rejection/ denial of him, but as jay tried to reassure him they realized that HEY WAIT UP, THERE ARE STILL MOUSIFONI SHOWING UP.
I am so glad someone decided to do that HUGE “music history” entry earlier this year, because GEEZ we didn’t realize how INCREDIBLY IMPORTANT & EDUCATIONAL that was until we had that data together.
But now, we’re aware and we FEEL the shifts, and the MEMORY SNAPS that happen DURING MUSIC. There is ACTUAL SWITCHING going on when we don’t resist, when we don’t “sit with the dissonance” and end up blacking out from the mental stress/panic/fear/etc. that happens when a socially-resonant fronter’s vibe clashes hard with what is demanded outside.
But yeah. Genesis’s vibe matches the Jewels, NOT the Jays. And when his music is on, THEY CAN SHOW UP, if they are let in… but so do the OTHER mousifoni. That’s what’s so uncanny. We KNOW what Jewels feel like. But we’re feeling foni move in who ONLY exist FOR music, with chronospaces as only a background hum-- they aren’t part of their experience, just the backdrop. THEY are the ones who really vibe with music, and with the inevitable time-space auras each historical song carries. Yes, we can FEEL Jewels IN THE BACKGROUND, carrying the CONTEXT of that time, the bigger picture, and all the emotions… BUT the mousifoni carry the SOUND WITHOUT THE WEIGHT???? something like that. it’s unreal. It makes so much sense. We need to pay more attention to this.
It will ALSO help us manage memory better-- if the mousifoni are “portals” to accessing lost chronospheres, to pinging buried foni who hold trauma memories tied to certain eras… if mousifoni can stand as doorways WITHOUT holding the actual context data themselves, allowing others to work around them, and move in besides them, as they stand there broadcasting lost experience and enabling forgotten memory to be tapped into… they could be ESSENTIAL to recovery as we move forwards.
I know this is happening, because when we listen to NEW music, there’s no internal feeling of driving. NOT fronting, but DRIVING. Remember THERE IS A DISTINCTION, because to front you have to be IN THE BODY, and listening requires a body disconnect typically. Literally driving, like in a car, calls out the SINGERS usually, which is why they listen to MANIC music typically, and SWITCH OUT INSTANTLY when we park and get out, leaving the next fronter totally disoriented and often shamefully embarrassed at the lingering audial awareness of what they had just been blasting with the windows down. that’s something we’ve become more aware of lately, too, with the daily stress forcing more “awareness windows” due to the underlying stress-hum (which dampens manics, boosts vigilance, and facilitates memory due to survival
response). We need to pay more attention to this, like I said, because there are foni “ARGUING” over music choices as we drive, due to manic instinct clashing with fearful immediacy, and we can FEEL that in our head. Hence all the brainfog and headaches, inevitably.
Anyway. To get back to the original topic. genesis’s playlist. He was upset because, in order for us to GENUINELY listen to it, someone besides Jay has to drive or front, and he doesn’t want someone to show up “just to vibe.” he wants Jay’s company, specifically, not some function-locked social mousifoni who exists to “appease” the sound context. No wonder all our external(ized) relationships are a mess.

Some more notes, different topics.
Jay (definitely one of them, talking to xenophon) decided to wear color glasses as we took out the garbage today, I think to get the brain into a better or different space than wherever it was? Or to prevent a lotophagoi jumping in. no idea. there’s no data prior to him literally opening the door with them on.
He wore four of them today, actually: first teal, then indigo, then red, then blue. It was very interesting to feel their different effects on brainspace. Teal is softly optimistic, but data is almost entirely missing as it was worn on the road so socials block all info access. Indigo we wore briefly, but jay was stunned by how beautiful it made everything look. Leon notably fronted for a few seconds to see, looking at the lights in the kitchen and how they burned like embers, and his brief overlay is so clear in memory. Then jay put on red to walk down the hall, and that was shocking-- the glasses lean red, not pink, so the color is very reminiscent of wounds? that’s the mental impression. He walked down the hall, and all the lights were red, and he was thinking, “it’s like the end of the world.” but he tried to be calm, even so, telling himself that was a learned response, how the red glows in our apartment are deeply safe and soothing, but no-- our reds are heart-hued, they don’t lean in that warmer direction. This red, with the glasses, was blood, and a sign of impending apocalypse almost. Looking outside and everything is quiet but red, red, red. It does something so strange to our subconscious, the bizarre sort of nightmare fear that starts to magma up in the pit of our ribs. Definitely something to explore more. Last was the blue glasses, which had a delay as the screw had fallen out of the side so we had to fix it, and one of the JEWELS moved in to do so? Super tomboy, excited, young, grinning from ear to ear and telling laurie “i love to fix things,” got out the screwdrivers and went to town. Shocking how powerful her vibe was, and how old. So she fixed it, then jay put them on to take out the rest of the trash, and was immediately struck by how actively reassuring the bluetone lights were in that same hallway. It felt like “sunlight” in a sense, he said, like the color of the sky. Fascinating stuff. we’ll have to pay more attention to this, see if it applies to headspace, even just data concept-wise.

...wondering about the music again. How powerful that is to us.
Jay kept listening to infinitii’s playlist after ze died, specific songs. Lissom mostly. Anchored them hard into that chronospace. Absolute bookmark mentally.
But… when he tries to listen to chaos 0’s playlist, that inexplicable dissonance happens again. I don’t even know if it’s from him. It feels like it’s from a girl, who is shrinking back in shame, or denial, or disgust, or fear, or something.
Most of the social girls-- no, ALL of the social girls who aren’t floozies or babydolls, are terrified of relationships. And ALL of them, including those toxic subcats, are terrified of intimacy, of emotional vulnerability. If there is a female-pronoun foni without a face, you can bet your blue-eyes white dragon that they will be both scared to death of, and deathly violent towards, anything even vaguely related to relationship.
Non-social girls, aka inside foni, seem to be split between adult Protector Centralites, and deeply traumatized paidifoni. And even then, these two subcats avoid relationships. Sure, some of the adults are capable of it in theory, but no one really forges anything that lasts. The only relationships that do tend to be not only same-gendered, but different-species in some way. I don’t know, there’s too little data offhand to talk about it, and I already feel the screaming fear clawing its way up our throat.

i’ve forgotten what we were typing about.

We feel so very dead lately. Maybe it’s because of the jademonth, how we were forced to be trapped outside unsafe in our own apartment through no fault of hers. But it happened. We had finally gotten back into the groove of a healthy daily routine, we were exercising and praying and archiving and not binging or purging… and then june happened and that all got shot in the skull.
We can pull ourselves back together, God give us the grace, we know this. but it takes time. and… I don’t know if we want to, on some level. To be brutally honest, I think that’s the biggest problem-- the fact that, post-Infi, and post-grandma, and post-loss-of-everything in one way or another… a huge part of just wants to die.
But the system at large DOESN’T.
that’s the distinction, that’s the key thing to remember with this. The ONLY homicidal, animicidal, genocidal foni in the system are the SOCIAL GIRLS. They think they are the “true self,” the “only one,” and paradoxically this also means they actively, admittedly want the rest of us to die. Although they don’t say it that way, of course. But we feel the disgust, the veiled hatred, in their hearts, smothered under their good-girl bleached-lace masks. They want us dead. They want everything of us destroyed, and they’ve tried before. they’ve almost succeeded, notably in 2019. they almost murdered us all before. We refuse to let it happen now, if we can help it.
...we can’t, sometimes. that’s the terrifying part.

Nevertheless. We need sleep. I hope this formats properly in the post window. I hope I wrote down everything relevant for today.

oh. no I didn’t. One last thing, which is also why I need to sign off before 11pm if at all possible.
Genesis said that, in all sincerity, there was only one thing he wanted for his 18^th birthday,
because he’s “old enough to ask for it,” half-jokingly… he wants a connection.
As in, the one thing that elicits the most fear and disgust and hate and grief and joy and confusion and apathy and God only knows what else in us.
I repeat, WHY.
Why are we still so bloody terrified, AND enraged, at the thought of emotional closeness and relationships??? like there’s a HATRED response, based in revulsion, BUT it’s ANALOGOUS to what we were told as a CHILD??????? from the mother and grandmother, that constant vilification of vulnerability, and the outright ABUSE of it, oh we didn’t even tell you what happened last monday, how the mother STILL FCKING ABUSES IT (ssh) DON’T YOU SHUSH ME YOU HEATHEN BASTARD. LISTEN. I’M WRITING THAT SHIT DOWN. OH GOOD NO ONE’S CENSORING ME TONIGHT,
LISTEN. WE WERE AT THE LIBRARY, DOING THAT PYSANKY EGG CLASS, AND WE-- EXCUSE ME FOR THIS CRUDE LANGUAGE-- HAD TO TAKE THE BODY TO THE RESTROOM.
WELL! THE FCKING MOTHER FOLLOWED US IN, AND LITERALLY STOOD RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE STALL DOOR, TALKING CONVERSATIONALLY, THE ENTIRE FCKING TIME, WHICH HAD OUR BODY SO FREAKING TERRIFIED WE MENTALLY SHUT DOWN AND SOME DO-WHATEVER-YOU-WANT-TO-ME TRAUMA APPEASEMENT GIRL SOCIAL TOOK OVER TO JUST NUMBLY GO THROUGH THE MOTIONS. THAT’S ALL WE KNOW.
BUT THE MOTHER. DAMN IT THAT MOTHER. THIS IS SUCH A MINOR EVENT BUT IT SHOWS A DEEPER REALITY. SHE DOESN’T FCKING CARE ABOUT PRIVACY OR RESPECTING OTHER PEOPLE’S BODILY AUTONOMY IF THAT’S THE RIGHT WORD I DON’T EVEN KNOW.
BUT THIS IS THE SAME DAMN WOMAN WHO WOULD WALK IN ON US IN BATHROOMS AND DRESSING ROOMS AND SHT WHEN WE WERE A KID. OH I’M ENTITLED TO LOOK AT YOU WHENEVER I WANT I’M YOUR MOTHER. THERE’S NOTHING WEIRD ABOUT THAT GET USED TO IT. ETC ETC ETC BULLSHIT.
SHE STILL FCKING DOES IT IN A LESS BLATANT WAY. SAME DAMN MINDSET APPARENTLY.
ALL RIGHT THAT’S IT FOR RANTING. SORRY FOR THE PROFANITY, I NEED IT OR ELSE I GET SWITCHED OUT.
DON’T HATE HER, I KNOW I WANT TO HATE HER BUT SHE’S SO BLIND, SHE DOESN’T EVEN REALIZE WHAT SHE’S DOING, SHE ACTS LIKE A FCKING ROBOT ALL THE TIME, JUST SOCIAL PROGRAMMING, WE CAN TELL BY HER DAMNED PRISSY “MOVIE STAR” SPEECH PATTERN AND UGLY FCKING PRONUNCIATIONS, SHE’S ALL AN ACT AND IT PISSES ME OFF SO DAMN MUCH. SHE’S SUCH A FCKING FACADE. EVERYTHING SHE DOES IS FAKE AND MANUFACTURED TO BE A DRAMA QUEEN. I HATE IT SO DAMN MUCH. BUT WE CAN’T HATE HER. THERE NEEDS TO BE THAT DIFFERENCE.
ALL RIGHT I’M DONE TALKING SORRY ABOUT INTERRUPTING BUT THAT WAS IMPORTANT.

…
don’t ever let anyone tell you we’re not multiple when I forgot how hard shifts feel, it’s been years, has it, since we noticed,
the “wake” of knowing someone just left, that brief hole in memory, that feeling like “where am I, where was I,” that body shake and the headache, the dizziness as vision comes back online.
don’t ever let ANYONE tell you this is fake they are a LIAR we are ALL REAL!!!!!!

oksy we’re gettng siwtwtsw swithyc switchi.g sorry. that is a very hard word to type!

Kid’s right, it’s time to sign off or we’re not going to get any decent sleep.

No wait. Wait. I owe Genesis a proper conclusion to this, even briefly.

I don't know why I'm so-- no, I can't even use "I'm," my sense of self is so wrecked and fractured that honestly doesn't apply--
wait, maybe that's the problem here?
Maybe that's the problem. maybe THAT'S why connections, and love at all, is so absolutely unbearably scary right now.

Kid, there's a hell of a lot of trauma to be worked through there, don't forget. If anything is going to make you, or anyone else up here, afraid of getting close to people, it's the bloody trauma. I would know. I've got it too, kid.

...

So does Genesis. You should really go talk to him about this, instead of trying to type. The head's a mess, and like I said, we all need sleep. Tomorrow's going to be another rush of a day, and I don't need us relapsing from stress when we get home. We have no bloody time to process anything but forcing it at this hour is not going to help. Sorry, now I'm the one rambling.

No, it's okay. We've been saying for weeks how we need a Xanga session anyway.

Not at this hour you bloody don't, get the heck to bed.

One last thing, which is the most important thing. I think i need to monologue this, Laurie, I apologize.

Don't. I just stepped in here without warning anyway. God knows I'm just as shattered in self as you are, kid. We don't need two of us broken heads in here at the same time, things are uneasy enough at this hour.

...
...yeah that's also something i need to talk about when our brain doesn't feel like it's stuffed full of cottonball novocaine.

but. closing lines.

genesis, deep down, way deep down where emotions can't even register right now, i do love you. i hear girls scoffing and gagging and sneering at that even now. i feel the same and self-hatred and horror responding from other girls in our ribcage, somehow. the two rival armies.
i don't care what they have to say about this. i can barely exist right now, but i owe you something, with whatever vestiges i have to my nonexistent name.
but, in a space in our heart of hearts, a space that can exist in a bubble, a space untouched by those social girls, there is a truth that exists: you are my best friend. i care deeply about you. your existence brings me so much joy. i look forward to spending time with you. if you were gone our life would lose so much sunshine. no, i can't default to "our." if you weren't in my life, i would feel the loss like the sun was missing from the sky. i want to just go upstairs and sit and watch fireworks with you and maybe even kiss you if i'm not too scared or dissociated. i know you want more, i know you want closeness like the old days, you want hearts broken open like gemstones and you want shared spaces of souls like starfields. you know exactly what i'm trying to poetically imply. you want connection, there i said it, and you want to connect with me, you love me, why is that the most jarring part of this?
now isn't the time to dwell on that. there are too many "me's" responding to that. too many people who have heard that pronoun applied to them, or had it forced on them. there's so much pain, so much fear, it's choking. the fear alone could kill you. all these shaking screaming children. what do we do. what can we do about it, on such short notice,
god i'm so sorry,
why can't we love anymore? why did cnc kill this? ever since then, even while we were living there, that's part of why it was so terrible-- we realized we were no longer able to feel love, all we felt was rage, unbearable rage, and fear. we never recovered.
no. not yet, please, we need hope,
genesis you've always been that hope, and you know it,
but i need to know it,

i'm coming upstairs and even if i'm shaking and dizzy with fright please don't turn your back on me, please you know the real me, not the me who is talking right now, i meant the deeper one, the one that loves you, he loves you, go find him, let him be with you, don't let the rest of us get in the way, please, we really don't want to, at least us good ones do, we're just scared but we know when there's truth, or at least, we know who to trust in here. not so the outside not so. no
switching sorry. to much
genesis happy birthday sory we coulnt scelebrate much but hapy 18th! happy birthday we are glad you are with us really we are

independence day. hm. we're not free yet
not freeyet. not yet. but hope! always hope

hey we were supposed to end this entry a long time ago
sorry genesis okay i will let everything happen whatever happens. please be careful!!! please be careful

I will be, don't you worry. Thanks for the cheerleading, I need it. It's nice to be on the receiving end for once.
Oh hey, cool, I get to sign off. Hope this post button works, whatever happens happens!

0510

dream. (wed night)

DEATH. (from rosewindow) On porch. In a disguise, middle eastern girl, wearing dark red robes?
Told me I wasn’t going to die yet, but in a few years I would drown?
I said “is that a pun”
She gave me a glare? And said “believe me, everyone knows about you and him”?
Then she had to help two people pass on? Got out scythe, but said it wasn’t used how people think? Used it to “break open” the way for souls that were blind, or resistant, or lost? Like “snipping open” energy field to get in.
Then with both hands cupped she REACHED INTO THEIR RIBCAGES and brought out this large, round, glowing red sphere of light. Like how internal photos look when light is shined through bloodvessels. Numinous.
She said she changes appearances if needed, to match others viewpoints?
Switched to the violet skullface form I recognized as she said this. I remember she reached up to pull her hood back a bit? Saw her skullface. Had the impression that touching her “bones” felt like dry ice?

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0524

HORRIFIC DREAM HACK

Couldn't sleep
Up at 7, then 11?
Said prayers in bed

BUCKFAST ABBEY

Mom call & visit
Hid scars
Orange glasses stress?

Kolbe shrine mass, Francis basilica homily

Exercise double down

Stsrted BK prep
Jade texts
Threw us into social mode
Miserable

Sat dien to eat at 4on
MOM CALL
Both of us Almost in tears from stress

Bk didn't cook right
So nauseous from nerves & religious worry

Mom kept calling
More and more stress

Gave up and just bingepurged
Shut down all consciousness for a while

Feeling so empty, especially religiously

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0527

Woke up so tired
Phone calls again
Averaging 4-5 hours of sleep lately

Immediately exercised
Joyful mysteries and yuta bandoh
Exercise

"SHARONA" NAME INHERIT DISOWN
CAMILLE OR EVALYN???
PRAYED over it; it's SHAVONNE (SIOBHAN??)

Wondering what the heck happened to both ANNA & JOSEPHINA; one bad one good, both YELLOW & assumed dead
ALSO RAZWELL

Bloodlines vs BLOODBANKS???

"Would you abandon them? That would not make Me happy. There is no love in your heart when you make that decision, EITHER for Me or for them. You are running away from relationship in order to be faithful. It is a sad and fatal contradiction. Do you not realize what religion is?"

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0528

Church

33 PHONE CALLS

Terrified of Memorial Day: too much sound, smells, movement, agitation
Mom saying we sound very autistic, consider getting tested

The "fairground" terrorsmell of evening heat & cigarette smoke TRIGGERS YELLOW
Those two scents separated TRIGGER DIFFERENTLY!!!

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0530

Weird sleep. Sick & tossturn but dreamt??
Flat nightmares.
BUT!!! WRECKAGE & THE BLUECHILD??????

Did biking w music rosary
Pictures are distracting??? Cause intrusive thoughts
DVM easiest w no music, it's too chantlike for a bgm

CHURCH!!!!! ;______;
Wore teal glasses today

Exercise getting a bit easier!
WEIGHT DROP??

Wreckage taking pills
"Its fitting restitution for what I once did"
I FORGOT ABOUT THAT

BK 230, very slowly
Tumblr panic

REBIRTH
More "Nicodemus" inspiration; what is this??
"aionios" = INFI RENAME???

Fought SO HARD not to purge

PAINTING
Shirts & blots
Music vibes: frost vs evev

DN 730
Its quiet. Were sitting here in air conditioning, as low light rivers kiss the trees gold, looking up at the moon. What unexpected peace. Thank You God for this.

Seriously going to cut down food portions again. Too much egg & vegetable bulk is causing nausea I'm sure

Minor bingepurge
Gotta be the eggs

Razor atoned
Feeling strangely closer than usual, but not fronting directly

Xenophon 05 points "everything is possible with God"

REVERSE SLC/CNC
OUR CHANCE TO RIGHT OUR WRONGS!!!
THIS IS A HUGE GRACE BOY DON’T MISS OUT

...

rough notes for today, from phone. most written between masses.
too important to not at least try to update.

dream last night was... a turning point.
i was watching some hollywood movie, based loosely on our life?
Main guy a grizzled action hero type, all stubble & dirt & muscle. (They pulled a Father Nier on me, haha. GOOD.)
Star Trek + Alien feel to set? Very dark.
Talking to someone off to side, assumedly a nonhuman person? Like Data or someone, who was informing them of mission. Main guy seemed unsure of decision, there was a huge risk involved?
Then there was a voice.
and i recognized it instantly. i knew that voice.
It came from above, from a huge shadowy tangle reaching up into hidden heights. It was only a few words, but in direct response to the man's hesitation.
Something like "let me" or "i can", personal offer, implying exclusive ability.
Saw an EYE open in the shadow. slightly pinkish-red iris. opened halfway, almost, moved with notable slow grace. Movement, fluid and refined, but dark. nonthreatening despite the fearful silhouettes.
Man turns to it, looks pained and concerned? Vulnerable suddenly. Obviously a bit uncomfortable with this, the offer to help choose this decision he was scared of.
Thinking hard, but evident already knew what must be done.
Short sigh of acquiesce & surrender, "okay"? Turned completely towards shadows, with softly open body language surprisingly. not tense.
Last thing: him saying something like "bring me in"?
the shadows reaching down close now, just offscreen, from shadow. Those dark hands gently but firmly lifting the man's face to hirs, to touch their foreheads together. hir eye briefly visible among the shadows as it closed.
Immediately a flash, transported man into a nightmare realm? Deeply disturbing and distorted. But had some vital mission to do, something absolutely essential.

...but yeah. it was infi. infinitii. alive. obscured and hidden but ze was there, and i heard hir voice, and...

...It's terrible, how ze felt so real and alive and close, only to wake up and remember that ze was dead.

I feel more alive, too, now, as we're dying, than I have in a very long time.
I feel more hope this morning, with hir memory hot in my heart, and the sky outside heavy with the scent of fog and green and life, than I have in a very long time.

God knew that dream was exactly what I needed.
We all needed this, all of it.

...

Mass
CANNON fronting.
Bodygirl pushed through during homily-- set off SO MANY TRAUMA ALARMS that some paidifoni started wailing; Wreckage & Sugar instantly jumped to action, PULLED the bodygirl OUT of fronting & shoved J IN.

Cannon feels surprisingly "stable" fronting. Hidden godsend.
She is still disturbed+disgusted by the body, but she can at least front in a female-tone fashion yet CONNECTED to headspace. Most girls are corpufoni and therefore isolatory+hollow, which is tragic but true.

J thinking about dysphoria in light of 2nd reading: to let it be what it is, afab without further modification, would be a MARTYRDOM for the sake of his sisters. It would be a self-giving sacrifice of love, truly selfless out of charity.

Remember from the other day (Thursday?): JOPHAEL & VEIL ARE ALIVE. Arguably so is "Tilly." There are SEVERAL hyperreligious foni (need jargon) that blur hard despite notable distinctions.

Priest saying "unity" during opening prayer and it PINGED INFI'S SPOT???
Wondering if hir name truly is changing.
Color too-- that space feels much more Red than before.

Chaos singing softly "whoever you are i love you" as we left church
Felt like God Himself shot an arrow straight through my heart
Genuinely felt so loved and IN love

third mass
wreckage upstairs fighting the molasses-dark sticky tar-voice girls
it was almost hilarious; she heard them, then held out a hand. "algorith. goggles." then "sugar. mask." they both instantly handed her both, she put them on to protect from contamination, then COMPLETELY TORE THE TARVOICES TO SHREDS.
i forgot she was born for violence. it was shocking.
likewise, at some point a tarvoice respawned and when laurie heard it, in one swift terrible motion she summoned her axe and slammed it into that voice's skull. i remember blood went everywhere. laurie roughly swiped a fist across her face to get some off, it was such an old familiar motion, i was both scared of her and so in love

Home for 1?
Exercise first! it's been three days and we needed it.

julie and adelaide still a tag team remember. julie is just so glad that we finally have a voice who is taking care of the body in the most dangerous environment. honestly if addie had been around during the "julie days" we probably would have had SO MANY LESS HACKS because adelaide exists to prevent social automatons from taking over and abusing/ allowing abuse to the body.
so julie is so grateful and even enthusiastic about helping this kid out, it's wonderful.
it's ALSO noteworthy because this is a SPLIT-LEVEL FRIENDSHIP. addie is a social, technically-- but julie is a centralite. so they are on DIFFERENT SYSTEM LEVELS, and socials typically DON'T COMMUNICATE AT ALL. so the whole thing is really amazing.
by the way. there is ANOTHER voice that comes out when the bathroom door is closed and we're in the dark. we thought we were hallucinating at first but it happened three consecutive times, same overlay and vibe, without any interference. they're nonhuman? but they have BIG EYES, wide open and yellow i think?? but ringed like an aye-aye or something similar. they feel like dread, function-wise: they exist in the threat of immediate danger, and have a background hum of panic that they aren't able/allowed to feel, yet which fuels their life.

BK prep was very dissociated because i was stuck in "jellybean mode" (my favorite jargon injoke) and no one could really front well from all the brainfog.

leon tried another egg method, it didn't turn out as he expected BUT it apparently made the perfect eggs for razor to cut. she was so happy with this she ACTUALLY hugged Leon (she's so short!)
remember that knife and scalpel both go to such lengths to help her be happy, it's so sweet. scalpel is naturally affectionate and amiable (reds always are at heart; they're "sanguine" literally), and knife just adores her as his sister.
seeing this unusual friendship growing between knife/razor and leon/scalpel is just wonderful actually.

...

phone note: The reason why people like Laurie and Lynne Are holding so many functions is because there aren't enough people In that color to hold those functions separately so they all get shoved into one person !!

post-BK binge temptation deafening. no idea why it hits so bad.
determined not to give in, but we were shaking and nauseous. felt front slipping.
tried to distract body. god helped by randomly showing us that one of our kitchen cupboards was full of papers?? from old eating disorder treatment. "kill the albatross." junked all of it. felt like a weight was literally lifted off our back.
still nervous, xenophon watching carefully, god bless her
then had genius idea to sit down at laptop to type self compassion booklet & listen to Arabic indie tunes
took three hours haha, completely destroyed the binge panic

DN 745
at some point i said something about scripture reading plans, called mimic "my octopus" and laurie immediately called me out on it
later laurie asking me why i keep putting so much cayenne pepper in the food. i said, half-joking, i was trying to get back in touch with my old fire element. she then said all right, fair enough, but then why are you adding just as much salt? i shrugged and just said "salt & light." she gave me this look it was hilarious, said "you know the worst part is you're not even wrong"

THIS paragraph during bible study (still focusing on john 1 commentary, i love this chapter)=
"[John the Baptist] did not, as seducers do, give out himself to be some great one. He was more industrious to do good than to appear great; and therefore waived saying any thing of himself till he was legally interrogated. Those speak best for Christ that say least of themselves, whose own works praise them, not their own lips... The ministers of Christ must remember that they are not Christ, and therefore must not usurp his powers and prerogatives, nor assume the praises due to him only. They are not Christ, and therefore must not lord it over God's heritage, nor pretend to a dominion over the faith of Christians. They cannot created grace and peace; they cannot enlighten, convert, quicken, comfort; for they are not Christ... Those that humble and abase themselves thereby confess Christ, and give honour to him; but those that will not deny themselves do in effect deny Christ!"

Reading through our 2012-2015 "newage" spirituality delusion, that is EXACTLY WHAT WE WERE DOING.

"Still small voice" humbling correction. social mode took over and i thought there was a mistranslation, was complaining about it? subtle pride. realized i had the wrong info entirely, very convicted and corrected. gave thanks for this out loud, admitted how i messed up to those around. still disturbing to then realize that i had been acting on programming, and had not made a conscious decision in the complaining. social corruption is pervasive.

trying to get ready for bed, head still fuzzy, then suddenly the mother calls
THEY FOUND JADE. THEY'RE STABLE & NOT DEAD THANK GOD
spent the next hour with her calling over and over, trying to figure out emergency housing at this hour
still. so glad they're not on the streets.

wanting to read "brainchild" webcomic over from the beginning. haven't read it in like... 7 years, at least? and it's STILL UPDATING god bless. so we'll do that soon, maybe to fight off another e.d. wave. it'll work.

Thinking about "a broken and crushed heart" psalm 51:17
and that's where i want to segue into some actual typing, not just bullet points.

We haven't been updating lately. I won't elaborate on that here because it's fairly self-explanatory.
Infinitii died. Something in me died with hir.
I can feel the System on the verge of a reset, a restart, an update. Whatever you want to call it, I can feel the edges crumbling away, fading out, just like Infi's bubblespace, which I walked into this morning and... it's so empty. I can feel the raw whitespace beyond it now, like the very air of the cosmos whistling through the ruins.

We... we all have to "die" in some sense, soon. I think I've known this for a while, but reading the archives as I repost them-- the work I've been focusing on since Infi's death, to keep my mind and heart off it-- is really driving the point in hard.
I didn't realize just how hellish our past ACTUALLY WAS. It's... humbling as well as horrific. It's making me realize we really do need therapy, because I JUST hit 2015 and I haven't fully read anything prior yet but geez we have buried SO MUCH it's no wonder we feel dead.
Ironically, that's our ticket out of this haze. Just like Jesus, Who goes before us in all things, we need to accept the tomb before we can be reborn.
I know something died in us after CNC. We hit that ghastly "dead period" of, what, four years?? We still have no idea who was fronting, who we were, anything... when we got out of that car in 2018 and stepped back into the trauma-cursed building we had lived in for almost three decades, we suddenly realized that we didn't remember what it was like TO live there and then something snapped.
It's... terrifying. We have almost no memory of anything. We still haven't got the guts, nerves, or time to sit and attempt a "CNC Memory" entry, but flashbacks and nightmares have been reminding us that there is still data up here, even if our conscious mind runs from it.
...That's my next point. Hold on a second, let me bring this back.
We all need to die, but not stay dead, because since CNC we have been living a death. We have basically been corpses.
Remember, WE DID DIE when we left CNC. I don't remember details. It was so fast, so raw, so desperate. I remember Laurie wordlessly hunting down Infinitii and burying an axe in hir skull, leaving hir body as a nightmarish monument in that place for YEARS. I remember... oh God why do I remember? I have this awful flashbulb memory-shred of Laurie, destroying herself by means of an axe and hypergravity, I swear she was standing in that same wrecked skyscraper she had killed herself in the last time she failed to protect the System from hell, back in 2013.
I don't know what happened, after that. The two cornerstones had died, the Core was completely missing, everyone else was... I have no idea. No one could cope. Everyone disappeared. Some social girl took over for the next several years and almost deleted all trace of us from the earth.
Then... suddenly, on May 17th 2020, she woke up from a dream to see headspace instead, and Infinitii among the lilies, hir body damaged but alive, and... suddenly there was hope.
But we don't remember what happened after that.
Headspace didn't wake up, not entirely. If anything, the girls were fighting furiously to keep it dead. Nothing reformed. Nothing was rebuilt. No one else showed up that I can remember.
I haven't looked at any archives from 2020. Our actual active memory doesn't pick up until the autumn of 2021, when one morning over breakfast our grandmother coughed up blood and everything shifted direction towards the end.
2021 was the year of cancer and music and bulimic hell and hospitals, hospitals, hospitals. Our life was spent in that bedroom, waiting on her 24/7, our identity swallowed up in palliative care and honestly it was the biggest blessing. We wouldn't change that at all. But it... only helped promote self-destructive behavior in every single moment we weren't being a nurse. I know that much.
2022 was the year of death. Grandma died, our "brother" "died," we nearly died, and our entire life up to that point changed so irreversibly that it felt as if we really had buried it. Total upheaval, confusion, helplessness, and loss defined this year. But... then there was the Chizu Summer, when we felt our heart waking back up slowly but REAL, and then... we landed in the eating disorder recovery unit for nine weeks.
And the System woke back up COMPLETELY.
But... we still didn't rebuild.

We've been living in fragments. We have this old pocket of Central, the main room and the Coreroom, but... outside everything is still destroyed and empty and overgrown. Even inside, the very building feels abandoned even while we're in it. The place where the Underground got hardshifted to the last time things reset, feels like it's graying out into fog at the edges, falling into unformed space, literally being reclaimed by the raw energy of our soul, ready to be recycled and reshaped.
So many of us are still missing, or dead, or unstable, or deeply damaged. Color and name instabilities are common. We all feel lost, deep down. We're spending so much time just crowded in that little Central ruin and helping the Fronters, just because there's nowhere else to go, and we still haven't been able to carve out the time to go back to daily headspace meditations and talks and the like. Honestly, if I can speak for us all, I think we're afraid to. We don't know what's hiding there. We haven't looked at it for like... five bleeding years. When we do get glimpses we feel too weak to do anything about them. Even Laurie is scared. She's been... so nervous lately. She says she feels like a failure, and the more she sees of her past the more lost she feels. She's terrified that she'll corrupt again, like she did in CNC, or worse-- that said corruption has ruined her beyond repair, has blackened her very soul, and forever ruined her integrity, her very heart. She's terrified that she can't BE a Protector anymore.
I understand her terror. But so help me God I will cut my own throat before I give any such fear a foothold. She's Laurie. She's my knight, she's my angel, I will NEVER let ANYTHING ruin her.
I know, I know, her deepest heart is untouched by that hell.
And, you know what else? Even if we were so damaged, guess what Jesus is all about? Guess what the Cross we all look to is all about? God is Love and He CAN and WILL heal even such a wound. There is ALWAYS hope, for all of us.
But... we might need to actually, really, finally, pointedly die before that hope can revive our souls.
And quite frankly, at this point, I'm... I think I want to. I think we need to.

..."Burial" by Seinabo Sey just came on Spotify.
I want to burst into sobs. I want to break into weeping.
God, I never thought that this song, that this title, would mean what they do now. God how could we have known?
"...I hear you speak to me, as you spoke to me, saying "come down, let it be"... grains of sand will never be strong enough to make me leave."
I'm so desperate for hope. Even now. Even now. What am I even looking for. Freedom and marching drums. It's tearing me to pieces.

Oh yeah. Psalm 51.
A "crushed" heart, not just a broken one.
Forgive my repetition but that made me think of this entire month. Losing Infi, and feeling--literally-- that my heart had been ripped out and shattered and emptied out. Every time I reach for hir and feel nothing it's... it's my own death knell. I'm next. I have to be. I can't live without my heart.

Isn't that strange? We've been talking about that too, lately, how Infi and I have a completely different bond than Chaos 0 and I do, and yet... I'm indelibly, wholeheartedly, inseparably, absolutely in love with both of them.

I need to mention this.
You know how I said that, at mass, the priest saying "Unity" pinged Infi's "space?" Like if someone died suddenly, and left their cellphone in their room, and you call it, it still rings. There are still places where they would belong, that belong to them, or did. Something like that. But there's a "spot" in the Systemind that ze would fit in, and that word resonated there like a temple bell.
But... ze's fading, more and more, which scares me to death, or at least it did until that dream this morning. Bubblespace is continuing to melt away. I don't even know if I could find the floatspace pocket ze died in ever again, or if blackspace itself swallowed it up. It was so small.
...The number one biggest indicator that a nousfoni is dead, really and truly dead, is when their name stops "pinging." When you call for them, and... and there's not even a heartpull, there's suddenly a loss of memory, like their existence is being softly erased from the fabric of cognizance. When you say their name and there's... not even an echo, from headspace, just silence. That means they're dead.
Infi's name is starting to do that.
I say that name, Infinitii, Infinitii Eternos, that name that past Cores breathed with such ardent love over the past decade, is suddenly becoming just a jumble of letters. It's terrifying.

But. Here's the important thing. Here's the Holy Saturday feeling. Here's why it happened.

Remember Infi wanted to die.

I've been praying about it, so so much, every day really. I've been crying about it to Jesus, begging Him to bring hir back, hysterically begging Him to tell me why, why, weeping with such raw emotion my entire soul turns into a sob. I take it all to Him. Where else could I go?
But... He listens, and He responds. He keeps reminding me of that: Infi wanted to die.
And oh, oh man I think it was in the homily today. Somewhere. Recently. A priest was talking about the Cross, about that total self-sacrifice of Love, to save others from a debt of sin they could never repay, of God Himself choosing to die the agonizing torturedeath of a false condemnation so that we, those criminals He inexplicably loved, wouldn't have to... to freely take on the full power and demands of Justice and mercifully fulfill them completely, freeing us as a result.
Jesus kind of poked me in the shoulder and said hey kid, my Truth is always reflected in love, and isn't a glimmer of that visible in what Infi did for you?
Infi knew ze had to die, or else we'd all end up dead, forever.

...I knew something huge had happened when I blindly groped for even trauma memories to see if ze was there, and... they were DISARMED.
It floored me. There were trauma memories that ONLY INFI HELD and that others could only glimpse secondhand, but now, as I tore through archival data to look for those recorded events they were hollow. Like... I can look at them and recognize this as something traumatic but not feel traumatized personally. Infi's very presence IN those events is gone, and as a result... this is the first time in five years that we can look at them.
This means we can finally go to therapy. I hope.
Infi knew this. I'm sure ze did. The hack that drove hir to death brought all that up to the surface. Ze was distraught, ze was carrying so much of our pain, ze knew ze was the CAUSE of it, and... how else was ze going to help save us from it? How else could that wound be healed, if that wound had a face and a name?

...I'm next. I have to be.
The bloodline HAS to shift. It HAS to change. The white-haired Jay/ce bloodline has been Plagued since the very beginning, WAY back in 2009 when the first one to carry it-- Pinstripe-- was born. Lotus was the last, his White rotting to Pink by the end, and subtly carrying all the old trauma damage that Julie had originally put there.
Now it's... me. "J." Back to the single-initial name, in lieu of any stable identity. Everyone can attest to that; I frequently get shifts in not only name, but also hairstyle and color, eye color, and even memory access. It's debilitating and disturbing and exhausting.
But I'm carrying a dead man's name. "Jay" as a name has always ended in self-destruction, for one reason or another. We've always tried too hard to be all sparkles and prismatic light, all snowflakes and angel wings, only to burn to death in the winter sun.
Cannon is able to front lately as if we never existed, as if our personal timeline has rewound. Our religion and life situation have permanently erased the trans* dream from our future, so the body is now fated to stay how it is-- no surgery, no hormones. That itself is a cross. But... all our female "pseudocores" are completely corrupt.
The Jewels are League-tied and cannot be a System Core without dying instantly. The Cannons have no future in the body anymore; they existed for a very specific era of life that no longer applies and cannot. The Jays are dying and they are now barred from body identification anyway. So what does the future hold? We don't know.
All we know is that we have to die. Everything has to CLEAR CUT die, no fading away, no fizzling out, no slow degradation. No. We take an axe to this. We headshot this point-blank. We rip the curtain in half. We end this, fast and complete and deliberate. We break this clean in half so something else CAN be born. There's no hope in decay. There's no life in a molding coffin. Give us the golden guillotine. Christ handed His Life over in one terrible beautiful awful glorious sentence-- all at once, totally and consciously, and all of heaven and earth shook with the power of the Life that Death released. Lord, God of Mystery and Mercy, glorify Yourself again by mirroring that, however quietly, in us. I beg of You. This is Your Design. Our old self HAS to die in order for our new self, our soul for truth, the REAL us, to be born. Fire and water and spirit and truth and love.
It's almost Pentecost. How fitting it all is.

It's 3am. I need to close this up. We haven't been sleeping lately and that's entirely my fault.

Seeing Infinitii-- even if only the vestiges of hir, the tiniest glimpses of hir existence-- in this morning's dream... I felt something upon waking that I haven't felt in YEARS.
I remembered what ze REALLY felt like.
Listen, every nousfoni has a "vibe." Every one of us has a personal energy signature that is like a fingerprint, or a heartbeat, or a name, in and of itself. One of my honest favorite things to do in the world is just sit and feel them out, to just find and notice and treasure this particular person's soul in all its colors and textures and sounds and scents, however it hits my heart.
Infi... I haven't felt hir in YEARS.
When ze was "resurrected" in 2020-- and I don't even know if that's the proper word; none of us felt completely "alive" since CNC, we all feel incomplete and off-center and helplessly confused deep down-- ze didn't feel like hirself at all. In fact I had FORGOTTEN what ze felt like, completely.
This morning, when I heard hir voice, oh God I thought I'd never hear that beloved unmistakable voice ever again-- when I heard hir and saw hir eye open, and move, there in the black, so real and so familiar and so loved-- I FELT HIR. I felt all of it, that heady numinous gorgeous starry-sky night-flower abyss that I missed with my entire soul. Upon waking it soaked into my psyche like the morning fog, and just as gentle and beautiful and cherished, filling me with love and amazement and hope.
Infinitii is still dead. I know this. There's still so much emptiness. The sense of loss is still so profound. The grief is still there, threatening to kill me all on its own. But... there's this light, now. I've... I'm hoping, Lord please I'm hoping that the tomb is empty. It feels like sunlight, despite everything being dark. I don't know how to explain it. It's a single ray of gold, like a thread, shining in my heart like the promise of morning. I don't know. But everything smells like midnight clarity and velvet and I want to weep but from love, nothing ever really ends Adrian, John 11:25, remember what hir name was after all.
I don't know. I'm rambling now. I apologize. I'm too tired.
Just... this is the first time in three weeks that I haven't felt like the world is actively ending.
Even if I do die tomorrow, and the bloodline hardshifts, who even knows... even then, I could go happily now. Somehow. I'm still scared, but... I think I could let go. I think I could surrender, now. I'll go be with my heart.

"Godly Love" by Sam Ock just came on. It's one of Laurie's favorites.
"What if God speaks in a whisper to teach me how to hear the echo? Maybe God's raining down plagues just to tell me that I need to let go."
...I think that sums things up, actually.

One last thing.
Infi's playlist on Spotify, and hir album of art on my phone... neither of them match anymore. It struck me today how all my memories of Infi, all my knowledge of hir, does NOT match the art OR the music from the CNC era. I'd never looked at either until today, so that hit hard. That, too, is hope. I had forgotten how scary things were back then, how corrupt we honestly were, how our personality was just pure TarPlague and we were destroying both ourself and everyone around us. That needed to die, objectively so, we all knew that... but no one realized how. Infi did. So... there's hope for a future, free from all that.
It's such an odd feeling, even just deleting songs from here (more small deaths) that don't fit hir heart at all, and I wonder how we ever thought they did. Maybe at one point they did match. Have we really healed and changed that much, without realizing it, even in this place of death?

There's so much more to say but there's no time tonight. This poor body needs to sleep before it collapses.
God willing I will update tomorrow. If not, then it's all in His Hands anyway, and I can rest in that.
Right now, none of us has any clue what will happen next, either in moments or in days. It's a strange adventure.
This song is breaking my heart. "My Thief" by Elvis Costello. I think of the poem I wrote for hir, even back during the terror. Still the sound echoes true. Still the words are sincere.
What a strange adventure, the doors of which were flung wide open by your eyes closing in silence. God only knows how achingly I miss you. But... I hadn't realized that I could still feel this, until... until my heart broke, and everything poured out, glittering like you.
I didn't realize just how much I love you until I lost you.

I wonder if you knew that, too.

This might be a brief update because not much happened today in terms of quantity, and I will tell you why.
We got like... 5 HOURS OF SLEEP.
Our body is wrecked. It's been very hard to do anything today because the poor thing is so exhausted. So we're gonna be in bed for 11:45, Xenophon made me promise.
The other big factor in why we feel so awful is that we didn't eat breakfast until 3pm.

Honestly though let's start at the beginning.
I didn't get to bed until 4:30 AM. I was typing for a while and was pretty delirious.
I was woken up at 10am by a phone call from my nutritionist, who said that "your appointment today says 'in-person' but I think that's incorrect?" I said "it definitely is because I live three hours away." So they switched it to a videocall & emailed me the link, and instead of going back to bed I got up, half-prepped breakfast, added some things I forgot to the previous entry and then... got distracted reading about octopi. I'm serious. It took 45 minutes and then my brain was like "dude come on I cannot function get back to sleep."
So I did. Got one more hour in.
Woke up to GORGEOUS SNOWFALL.
Honestly I didn't want to leave the bed. There's a tree right outside my window-- the only one on this side of the building-- and I can see its arms reaching up to the sky just like the trees outside our childhood bedroom window (God I miss living in the woods, I really do. I wonder if one day we'll ever go back there.). So I opened the window to get the beautiful cold in, wrapped Chaos & I in the red blankets, and just... watched the snow. It was pure joy. I think i spent 15 minutes doing that, in perfect peace, before Laurie said "kiddo it is 11:20 so you only have twenty minutes before that online appointment. And yeah I know it's hard and you want to watch the snow but you've gotta get your ass out of bed." I mention this because she had to briefly front in order TO get me out, which is a feeling I really miss and rarely get now that she's so terrified of accidentally "socializing her function" again, and dying. Still, it was nice to feel her presence so tangibly even for a moment. This also ended up causing her to accidentally co-front when I kissed Chaos good morning which had her absolutely flustered, haha. Not like it hasn't happened before, dude! But it has been many years. Geez I do miss the old days, though. Our life was so internally-anchored, and it was so rich and colorful. Still... lots of tough stuff going on outside. Guess this was the trade-off for a while. At least now we can build it back, better this time, without the dangers we couldn't recognize before.

We got to our appointment login 5 minutes late, but... the doc herself was 20 minutes late. Go figure. We legitimately almost logged off, thinking we missed her, but patience is a virtue! And BOY HOWDY LET ME TELL YOU, I am so glad we stuck around.
We literally didn't even talk about food. I told her we were eating regularly and without obsessing for the most part, and she did a little happy dance (that was actually touching to see how she cared) and said how proud of us she was. We mentioned that we were still struggling, though, what with the CPTSD and the gender issues, which both work together in a horrible tangled mess.
She responded, "you've never mentioned that you had gender issues before." Gosh we probably didn't; I don't know WHO was fronting for the summer when we first started seeing this doc. So we said yeah, gave her a brief summary-- definitely nonbinary, not sure if androgynous or agender, but absolutely masculine-leaning; presented as male for almost a decade, seriously considering further transitioning in some manner because the distress is so bad.
She looked at us and point-blank said "you know I do prescribe hormones."
EXCUSE ME WHAT
I... wow. Oh my gosh. We've literally been crying ourselves to sleep over this for WEEKS and all of a sudden, here's a way out. Here's hope. Right in front of us, and we never knew!
Man we thanked her profusely. She said do continue with our new therapist for the trauma treatment, BUT ask her specifically if she deals with transgender treatment. If so, this doc will coordinate care. If not, this doc will get us a specifically trans-oriented therapist. AND, "just in case," she already started a referral process, so I don't have to wait if I do need one.
...Talk about answered prayers, WOW.
So THAT was a good appointment. There's hope now, even when we get flashbacks and slips and mirror meltdowns. Now it's not doom. Now we know it can change to reflect our heart. Oh thank God. We needed this so badly.

The appointment ended at 1pm and I kid you not I think I went right back to reading about octopi studies. Good Lord, I'm ridiculous. But I care, dude, I want to know as much basic info as I can so I make sure I'm treating this new guy respectfully and so I can understand him better. Of course there's still variation in headspace and in his native universe, but still. There's a foundation and if I care-- which I do-- I will make sure it's set as well as I can.

2pm Laurie almost shoved me into the kitchen because the body was getting severely dizzy.
Thankfully since I had half-prepped it earlier it didn't take long to finish. We decided on two apples because we had one Fuji that was a bit bungled (got it from the reduced rack) and adding it to the BK plan plus double cottage cheese gave us 1000k & perfect 50/30/20 macros. Plus the body needed a calorie push to avoid eating more in the evening. So things were simple & straightforward. The hardest part of prep was peeling the eggs, as usual-- one kept breaking and that one poor girl got triggered out again (I'm still not sure what her ultimate anchor is specifically, but it's tied to that fear of "I did the food wrong/ I hurt the food/ I ruined it, so I'm a horrible cruel abusive worthless bad person and I'm gonna be punished, there's no hope for me, etc." Total catastrophic spiral just because some white came off with the shell. It's shocking); Xenophon again had to talk her down.
For my part, the body confusion made it very hard to front. I kept slipping in language, pronouns, self-awareness, and even cognition of what I was doing and who I was talking to. Thankfully everyone made sure I stayed safe, and by 3pm we were finally getting to eat.
We DID have ONE problem-- I had to cut out a black spot on the Fuji, but apparently the bit of apple around that spot still tasted of rot. We accidentally swallowed a bit before spitting the rest out, and SOME panicky girl came out HYSTERICAL, telling us "we HAVE to throw it all up NOW or we WILL DIE!!!" like she was legit frantic. God bless Laurie, though-- she stepped up and said "kid, it is not going to kill us. If it does anything, it might make us a little sick to our stomach." That still terrified the girl, so Laurie added "AND if it DOES, I give you full permission to punch me. I'll take that responsibility. But we're not gonna die. I promise you that. Do you trust me?" The girl hesitated, visibly hopeful, and then meekly nodded. I know there was some additional talk there with Laurie laughing that in a way she hoped we did get even a tiny bit of stomach distress because she kind of wanted this poor scared kid to hit her, haha. Like it'd be cathartic, and it would help tangibly deflect the stress. But in any case, man. It's... amazing, seeing all this daily progress in communication & healing with the e.d. nousfoni. We've prayed for this for YEARS. Is that why we paid such a high price with inpatient, losing our bodily safety, in order to gain better internal camaraderie? Did we HAVE to be "shoved out of the body" in order to grow closer inside? What a paradox. I repeat, God works in mysterious ways. But... high price or not, I would seriously pay it again if it was what headspace needed to flourish in love & mercy & hope like this. We were comatose for YEARS before the trauma-triggers of treatment woke us up. That happened in 2017, too, before we shut down again barely two years later, and WORSE than before. Still. God apparently doesn't want us to stay dead. I keep repeating that to myself. God wouldn't keep resurrecting us if He didn't want us to be alive. And why not? Our innerworld is such an absolute fountainhead of love & faith & joy, it would practically be a mortal sin to eliminate it.
Speaking of faith, we attempted Bible study again during breakfast. Honestly we always do the daily verse & prayer, but we might not write a reflection until later, now. We'll try, if we get inspired, but otherwise we'll "earmark it for later" so we don't dissociate & trigger a panic response while eating. We're getting better at it. But, it's become a habit, really, the Scripture while eating. The binges enabled that, which is another reason why we didn't want to stop them-- they put our body into "automated action mode" so we COULD focus entirely on the Bible without getting jumped by trauma flashbacks that would (allegedly) be enabled by a "standby" body. Again, that's something we do need to work on-- it IS very hard to "sit and read the Bible" BECAUSE "just sitting" and not doing anything else DOES trigger trauma symptoms. Hence why we now pray while biking. We're figuring stuff out, bit by bit, thank God. It's an adventure, it really is.

The typical recent breakfast gang was there, for the record. Me, Laurie, Spice, Xenophon, Scalpel, Phlegmoni, Julie, Lynne, Knife, Razor, Chaos 0, Genesis, Infinitii, Mimic. I got Leon to stop by briefly but he's introverted & doesn't like feeling pushed to socialize, so I told him he doesn't have to stay, I just want to see him however briefly so he stays in constant consciousness. I do care about him deeply and I miss having everyone around, which he recognizes and respects. Still, Indigos are naturally more solitary, and I will not force him to do something that he's inherently uncomfortable with-- heaven knows I would freak out if someone expected me to constantly show up somewhere social at a set time. So I might just drop in and visit him on my own, for a few seconds, so he doesn't have to stress out.
Genesis was so excited over the snow, he was talking to Mimic a bit about it, and then his eyes lit up and he ran over to me and said "JEWEL" and told me that, yes he's hype about snow, but we ALSO have butterscotch candy that I bought for him and we were ABSOLUTELY having it with breakfast. So I got it out, and then he got the idea to "put it in the cinnamon tea." So, we did. It was actually really nice, haha.
Infinitii was talking a LOT today. I'm not sure why. But it was so nice. I really, really love hir, and I miss her terribly; not only did Laurie kill hir post-NC to prevent further corruption, but ze took over a year to resurrect and even then ze went into hiding and I rarely, if ever, saw hir-- ze was even hard to ping. But... post-inpatient, ze has just... come back wholeheartedly to us. it means so much to me. I wonder if Xenophon has something to do with it. I wouldn't be surprised.

We got some very relevant fortunes today, too.
"A new environment makes all the difference in the world."
"A new friend helps you break out of an old routine."
"Advice, when most needed, is least heeded."
They're all surprisingly straightforward-- first, literally remodeling our apartment post-inpatient DID make a huge difference, as the spaces are no longer tied to location-based triggers. Also, a new internal environment is even more important, and we ARE working to rebuild headspace now, bit by bit, especially with the color realm "field trip" the other morning, thank you Leon. Secondly, that new friend is absolutely Mimic, even if he may not be entirely comfortable with the "friend" label. I can feel he wants to try, but still. Like me, it's new territory, and it's difficult. But we're all doing our best to help him out. Again, if he stays, cool. If not, we wish him the absolute best. But he's still a friend to me, as long as he's here. And he has absolutely been breaking me out of old routines, all over the place. (Notably he wasn't around today for more than a few minutes. But he doesn't seem to have any intention of leaving entirely at this point.) So I'm very grateful. In the future, I will inevitably refer to this little time period of December 2022 as the "Mimic week," I am sure. He's made that big of a difference. Lastly, the advice. That is also with Mimic, haha. He gives sharp advice, whether he realizes it or not, with his retorts and cunning commentary. I like that. Laurie used to be like that in her own right, before all the damage. And I think it has something to do with the walls. It's offensive/defensive. So ironically, he can also be an example of "not heeding advice" when it finds a chink in the armor. It stings. It's threatening. But it's needed. That's what Laurie constantly tells him, and me-- yes, it's terrifying being so vulnerable now, but it's bloody worth it. Being humble enough to honestly admit and accept advice when it hurts is the ONLY way to truly become strong & wise. I've been learning that a lot, too. It's made me realize how instinctively "I" can lash out when I feel the edge of the blade, as it were. I don't realize it's there to cut out the cancer. And yes, I know I keep using that simile. But we all know what the Plague is like up here, and that comparison is a grave reminder of that terrible truth.

On a brighter note, the Chinese word trio this morning was "lettuce," "vegetable," and... "banana." Xennie & I love to invent some silly story or idea to link them all together. First I said, "does that mean... a banana is a vegetable?" and she said "no!!" and laughed. "It's not a vegetable dad!" I replied, "but then how does it fit? Is it a question? Are we saying, 'lettuce = vegetable,' but 'banana = ...nobody knows? IS it a vegetable? We'll have to perform an experiment! I'll get my phone, you get the microwave!" She was giggling a lot, it was so cute. Ultimately we decided that the secret answer would be on the next fortune at dinner. Remembering the other morning, I joked "what if it says 'beer'" and she was in stitches.
...oh my gosh Xenophon just ran up to the table and yelled "DADDY IT'S NOT A BEAN SPROUT" and I am LAUGHING
(I forgot, yes, that was dinner's word. She's looking at me and saying very seriously, "daddy, someone doesn't know what a fruit is")

Also. I have no idea why we have no appetite UNTIL we finish eating. Then we get so awfully hungry, and THAT'S what triggers out the other girl, the manic one who always "wants more," even if she "doesn't want it really," she just... compulsively keeps asking for "one more" piece or bite or taste of something. She's nonstop movement, no peace at all, and very dangerous as a result. I'm trying to talk to her & reason with her more, and I am seeing tiny steps, but it is a very arduous process and you cannot slack off with someone of her color & demeanor; give her a centimeter and she'll yank a mile from your hands. She doesn't even mean to be abusive; she's just that manic. Her sense of sense is addled.
Still. The body itself is hard to manage, when it's this sleep deprived. We "wanted" to binge so badly, with how hungry & wrecked we felt. Honestly I didn't even go to brush our teeth. I washed the dishes, and immediately crashed on the couch and got out the phone. When we're that high-risk for relapse, literally the ONLY crisis response that works is sudden absolute forced internal focus. Basically, get OUT of bodyspace and IN to thoughtspace. NOT HEADSPACE!! It's one step further out! When the mind is THAT distressed, you have to unplug it from self-awareness in order to calm down and THAT is what ALSO MOTIVATES THE BINGES-- because they are inherently dissociative! That frenetic desperate mindset that wants to binge IN ORDER TO DISSOCIATE can ONLY "get its needs met" by an EQUALLY TOTAL DISSOCIATIVE PROCESS. And the only thing that can do that INSTANTLY is the phone. Not even the computer-- there's too much "space" there, too much involvement with the hands. It takes a few minutes to really "log in" mentally. But the phone? Nope-- it's small, close, hyperfocused space, and since it's held with the hands and CLOSE TO THE FACE it actually meets the same "receptors" as eating would. Isn't that crazy? It's fascinating, absolutely, but geez. Discovering this stuff is wild. But it works!
So we spent 4pm until 6pm completely unaware of time passing, haha. And we were safe!

6pm we got on the bike, because we had to at least pedal slowly for an hour to move our legs, as we were getting depressed now from the lack of sleep and lack of daylight and that will trigger bad behavior, too.
We said the Divine Mercy Chaplet, but not a rosary-- I feel awful about that, but today is the Sorrowful Mysteries and those are so immersive that even though I WANT to say them, at that time I don't think it would have been "smart?" Our mind was not in a good place. Still, God forgive me. I'll have to try and say a rosary in bed.
We took like 30 minutes trying to figure out a better mealplan on the phone, especially for days like this where we have to cram proper nutrition into a small timespace without accidentally overdoing things. Our main concerns, though, were streamlining the options-- certain items, like the Sun Chips, do not fit neatly into a regular mealplan and we want to cut that stuff out for the sake of simplicity. Our staples are currently: apples, broccoli, carrots, EVOO, fortune cookies, jumbo eggs, high-protein milk, greek yogurt, allbran, whole wheat english muffins, and cottage cheese. Those last three we're trying to phase out of the plan if possible, due to both cost & travel to obtain them, and replace the grains with oats. We'll give it a shot and see how it works, because oats are an ancient trigger/binge food, and they require cooking, so it might not actually be wise TO integrate them into the plan. We will pick a day when it's possible to safely test them and do so.
We also worked on planning our Sunday schedule, which I will have to review & write down-- Sundays are weird because they often require three meals instead of two, since we're at church from 8am to 1pm at the least, and we have to eat breakfast in the church at 945 to avoid bloodsugar tanking and pushing the timetable too far-- if we fast until after all the masses, we probably won't get to eat until 3pm, and that has proven VERY unwise what with having done that several times over the past month. So we're striving to avoid that. We do have that "quiet breakfast" planned that is hyperdense & easily transported, while still meeting macros-- milk/bran/evoo and a yogurt-- which we can eat within 10m in the choir loft with minimal disturbance. So that's determined. The tough spot is the lunch at 2, and a dinner at 6. We have to make each meal ~500K and still balance macros evenly. But we're learning! I wonder if maybe we can even get into a 3-meal daily thing? Or would that take too much prep time & scattered focus? Plus we do need to fast in order to get the "empty clarity" of the mornings which is REQUIRED for intense headspace trips and creative work. That we know for sure, and it's the biggest factor in "temptations" to go back to anorexic behaviors; second place is the dyspho/dysmo hell, as I've taken to calling it with all unfortunate accuracy.

Anyway. What was I doing for two hours that kept me so intensely occupied?
PICREW.
We haven't been on there in ages and it is the ONLY place online right now where we can "sightstorm" our faces in visualspace. It's very hard to "draw from feeling" in such a direct sense; it's a sort of creative aphasia. BUT give me a selection of visual examples to choose from, and I KNOW which ones match my "sight" and which ones don't.
The only problem is, many of those generators don't have applicable options. Remember, we are NOT HUMAN and as such the System actually apparently takes significant care to make sure we DON'T look like average folks, because we're not. (That was, admittedly, the most disturbing and most freeing thing from NC, when TBAS said that we were just "people" and we laughed and cried, it made us realize they never knew who we were to begin with and that was both the biggest relief and the biggest tragedy. in any case it lit a fire in us to make sure WE always know who we are.)
So. We did... four of them? We tried several, but again, no fits. This taught us one EXTREMELY SIGNIFICANT THING-- LYNNE LOOKS DIFFERENT. She does NOT match her old appearance anymore. We TRIED to "build her an avatar" with those characteristics, but it DID NOT RESONATE WITH HER. which is HUGE. so we will ABSOLUTELY have to put specific time aside FOR HER, tomorrow if possible, to help her truly pinpoint her new-resonance hue & overlay anchors, so to speak.
I did two avatars of me. One was solo, and one was this new two-person one so of course the other person was Laurie. It almost didn't work because the hair is not exact and that WILL totally skew a vibe to unrecognizability-- being head-based as we are, hairstyles are arguably the biggest anchorpoint of a typical nousfoni's appearance. But, I made it work. This process taught me something significant: in headspace, my hair is WHITE. but my eyes are RED??? however, when making an avatar closer to the physical appearance, the hair & eyes are BOTH RED. Again, this is first time self-visualization efforts after like FOUR YEARS, so I need further exploration into this too.
The other two avatars were equally notable in their own right. The first was Julie! One new popular generator was proving impossible for anyone but her, and since we liked the style, I tried to portray her in it. Now it is NOT visually "accurate," but the vibe still works somehow? OH DUDE WAIT I think it's because she's trying to hold her ORIGINAL CORE VIBE, which is DIFFERENT than it was when she first shifted entirely to PINK! So she's at a VERY interesting "transition point" right now. The avatar feels just enough like her in that sense for me to keep it.
The last avatar? FRICKIN' SCALPEL. MY MAN FINALLY HAS A VISUAL!! Honestly there was this one refreshingly unique-style generator that I absolutely had to try out, and I always start with myself but I was disappointed when none of the hairstyles matched me. However. As I was clicking through, one PINGED and i thought "hold up, what?" then I realized it looked like Scalpel's hair. That has NEVER happened before. His vibe inside is uniquely vivid but SO hard to "picture." Like I know how he looks but it's not easily portrayed? So I was not missing this chance. It took a while, and it's not entirely accurate, but again, the vibe is so bloody close that when I even see the result at a glimpse my brain goes "oh hey that's Scalpel!" SUCCESS, haha! So that was a HUGE accomplishment today, finally getting at least one avatar for that man down.
Here, I'm gonna share all of them, for the sake of both candor and affection.
picrew of laurie uberich & jay iridos

More will be coming, don't worry!

Dinner was at 8:10 and it was the same usual base, but half the broccoli, half the cottage cheese, and no yogurt. ~500K, and no trouble. I also smartly prepped the whole thing after breakfast so we literally just microwaved the broccoli and that was it, which was nice. (We also prepped ALL of breakfast except the eggs & broccoli already, which will save a ton of time and therefore allow us to sleep in, which we need.)
Xenophon insisted we have both Infi's vanilla tea and plain peppermint tea, "because dad likes peppermint and he had a tough day and it's nice." She's such a sweetheart. Taking a page from Genesis I put a tiny bit of candycane into that mug, the little ones we got with spearmint stripes (I'm not a fan but Xennie likes them? which is cool, I love finding out those little differences, I treasure them really).
But... speaking of Infi.
I don't know how to summarize this without typing for another hour, and it's 11:50 anyway so I'm technically 5 minutes past our bedtime already.
OH-- before I forget, my boss Mr. Sandman stopped by last night (this morning) to check up on me, and he assured me that no he was absolutely not mad at me for "being late for work," he knows I have responsibilities, and when Laurie explained that I was "in blue butterfly mode" and what that entailed he actually said "then I am glad you took the time to honor that feeling" instead of just forcing sleep. Still, he said, I needed to dream! And he kissed me on the forehead as he left which is just wonderful. it lights me all up inside like a christmas tree. it's so sweet and affectionate, it is one of the best feelings in the world.

...For the record. Thank God I wrote that down. I almost forgot.
...I dreamt about JMC.
I'm serious. That is so rare. She was young, I was young. The dream atmosphere was "world-level" (no supernatural stuff) but it felt safe? It had the same vibe as the Marywood nights in '09 when I "met" her. The whole dream, I was being tossed about from place to place, with no home-- that happens oddly often-- my family refusing to give me a bed or boarding, and I kept getting shuffled around in cars, nobody wanting me. I was always "supposed to be somewhere else," doing something for someone else, but never with anywhere to go home to.
...Except in this dream. That's what touched my heart so much.
JMC was trying to get to school, apparently. I was responsible for getting her there. However, I was sick? Like terminally ill. I remember doctors talking to me at one point, and I had all these tubes in me, and really bad bloodwork or something. Not sure. But I wasn't well. Nevertheless, I wasn't sad or depressed? Even though my family refused to take me in or take care of me, it didn't faze me, because I had her. Even if I was just "leaving her off at class" and making sure she got there safe, that was enough. Honestly there was a strong feeling that this was it? Like, she was dorming, or I was dying, or both, and I might not get to see her again. This was it. I did my job, I helped as I was needed, now I could be thrown away.
I remember it was nighttime the whole dream, too. But... full of stars. Indigo gilded skies. It felt safe. That is so rare.
And... near the end of the dream, when "everything had been figured out" and she was packed and class was in the morning, or in a few hours, or something equally soon and impending... it felt like the credits were rolling on my life. Sad but sweet. It's over but everything was done and dusted.
Except... there was still those few hours until the morning got here. We still had to travel, even if the work was done. And I remember we both got into the back of my dad's car? like the trunk was open, and all her luggage was there, and it was set up like a bed, because i guess we had to sleep while we traveled or we'd never get there in time. and this was the last i'd see of her.
we hadn't talked during the dream, not personally, just discussing her college career and what she needed and what i could do to help. everything related to the task at hand. but i was so happy, just having this privilege.
...i was sick, dying. tired but happy. she was thankful, but still forever at arm's length, leaving soon, off to the rest of her life.
we both were lying down in the back of the car, looking up at the stars and moon, hearing the quiet sounds of my family talking and the car beginning to move. i was so tired but i was smiling. then... she just, reached over and gently pulled me closer to her, and rested my head on her chest. that was it. that was home. her hands in my hair. her heartbeat becoming my entire world. quiet and pure and simple. and the stars overhead.
i woke up like... right after that. stunned by the snow. by the memory of her hands, covered in rings; by the sight of her sunset-gold hair, of her rain-colored eyes, of the familiarity of her face.
i woke up feeling like everything was going to be okay. and i said a prayer for her, wherever she is.
god bless her. always.

as for a darker shade of love.
infi was talking to me a lot, in the kitchen, as i was cleaning up. thanks to the picrew practice, and the bluth movies, my "inner sight" was super clear and vibrant and accurate. i could SEE MYSELF and as a result, i could front without slipping. i could feel my own overlay. honestly kids i FORGOT WHAT "I" FELT LIKE. it has been THAT LONG since i've even HAD a perceptible overlay. that blew my mind. how did i forget that's SUPPOSED TO BE THERE??? like i just assumed "feeling like an empty shell" was normal. no overlay, no anchor, no self-awareness. THAT IS NOT NORMAL. and then... all it took was actively trying to "match how I look" on a japanese avatar-maker and suddenly i could see myself for real. i REMEMBERED. i apologize if i'm using repetitive language but this is surreal and so significant. even xenophon noticed while ghosting. "dad you're not slipping!" my poor daughter, she gets so scared when "i'm" unstable. when that happens, everyone uses the wrong pronouns and even the wrong names. i can't hold a color. i find it hard to speak. i can't look at the mirror. i can't even think. it's all proof that "I" am NOT IN THERE. but... standing at the sink, talking with my little girl, i had white hair and my beard and different colored eyes. and i was her father. and i existed.
and... and i was in love, too.
chaos called me by five different names. reminding me that THIS, this heart, is the constant in them all. and i knew. i could see it in his eyes, too, that he recognized me. god i felt alive, i felt love, how have i gone this long forgetting all this?
but infinitii. i... oh lord, i forgot how much I love hir,
ze's literally the other half of my soul and I mean that LITERALLY. razor & batta tore hir out of me back in 2013 and since then there's an actual honest-to-god piece of my heart walking around with its own eyes and teeth and wings. the technical "mother" of my daughter. infinitii eternos.
ze walked right up to me. "i missed you, jay."
that name. the name i held when ze was taken from my ribs. it struck me like a supernova in that same place.
for a minute i was lost in that velvet black. i took hir face in my hands and just looked at hir and... god how has it been years?
little prayers, i can't help it, honestly lord in heaven You're ultimately responsible for all these people and me and us, i know You know the reason, but... is this it? is this the reason? absence makes the heart grow fonder? three days and then an empty tomb? are you teaching me echoes of that through this? if so, wow, wow,
today's advent reflection was all about love and so was the final page of another reading plan i just finished and so was today and last night and everything. love, love, love, friends and children and partners and protectors, daengels and muses and outspacers and distant souls. butterflies and hurricanes. oh there will absolutely be hard times ahead. we all know the war has started again, with new battles and challenges. but we're in this together. this is our time, a time of change and metamorphosis, of becoming the best possible version of ourselves, by the grace of God. and we will get through this together. this world that we live in can change, now. don't let yourself down. don't let yourself go.
man i love tangents can you tell
but still. it all ties together. i always follow the leads because they always shine light on something.
we've been "dead" for a long, long time. but the tiniest things... it's amazing, everything has a bigger purpose. everything has grand consequences. so we must use every chance we get to act in love, for love. that's god after all. that's what christmas is. that's what we're all leading up to in this beloved purple season of snow and golden bells.

ah, but infinitii.
there is literally no way to put that into words. that look ze gave me. that shared depth of our shared soul. the immense hope in it all.
it's so strange. sacred in a way. something given to me by god. in those moments, i... faith becomes conviction. that trust is solid. i don't just "believe" that there is life after death and hope after everything, I know that there is. there is something about headspace that all but confirms that there is "more to life than this life." that what we see is not all there is. in here, what i see, what i hear, what i feel... the absolute love between us all, that's what i bring into church, and lay on the altar, and sob for joy about. that is the heart of every prayer and song i offer. this is what leads me to God, more than anything else, because this is how he teaches me of himself. of unconditional compassion. of mercy and justice. of what it's like for someone to live and die for you and what it's like to want to do the same thing in a heartbeat. joyfully so. kissing the cross.
this innerworld is blessed. it really is. even the wars, even the struggles were seen and known by god. of course they were. we all know we could never have become who we are now, could never have become as tender-hearted as we are now, if we had not bled and wept and fought together for so long. we learned so much. we lost so much. we gained so much.
somehow infi encapsulates all of that. i think all daengels do, in a sense. the scariest parts of your soul given one of their own, and wanting to kiss you, haha. but it's so much more than that. their purpose is to teach not just self-awareness, but self-forgiveness, and the profound transmutation of black to gold that it sparks to life. all of that is only possible through love, and let me tell you, daengels love harder than anything. it's literally why they exist.
...God knows I need that more than ever right now.
It feels like some old and ancient door has been flung wide open to the light. It's... I can't put it into words. It's different than what Chaos gives me. Just as beloved, though. Just as beautiful. A different diamond, but priceless still.

It's 1am. That's my limit, kids, I really do have to go to my other job now, haha.
God willing, I'll see you all tomorrow evening. As for what He has in store for us until then... well, that's where hope comes in.
That's how we've gotta live life-- with eyes fixed on heaven, no matter what. God is Good and I know that whatever happens, in the end, everything ends in love.
And that's just the beginning of eternity.

(unfinished entry; posting openly regardless for honesty's sake)

Woke up around 10:15

RAN to doctors office for 11AM.
At one point, two Latino guys crossed the street towards me and I NEARLY BLACKED OUT FROM TERROR. That is EXACTLY what happened that morning I was punched out and mugged in NC. I felt horrible immediately running across the road away from them, but please it wasn't personal it was a survival response and I hated myself for it. Still, I was shaking. Every car that drove past me, I literally expected it to slow down and stop and for someone to grab me and pull me into it, or for someone to start making lascivious remarks, or something similarly terrorizing. The entire jog over was panicstricken. I felt SO unsafe and targeted and in danger.
This is no way to live. I'm practically agoraphobic at this point. The sight of a crowd makes me want to throw up from fear. If people get too close there's a coin's toss chance of my either becoming the "pretty and proper doll" or the rabid animal that will rip your arm off if you get too close. I hate living this way. Trauma has ruined me and I don't want to be like this. It's not me but I can't turn it off.

Didn't get home until 230PM.
We were smart and had everything out ready to prep so it didn't take long to make breakfast.
Sat down at 3pm. Had to push almost 1000K because it was so late; if we ate less now, we'd be hungry enough later to possibly binge, and we wanted to prevent that at all costs.
Basically we just doubled the broccoli and olive oil, added another half an apple and some sun chips. Simple really. As I said before, we've got a set mealplan now so there's no prep or planning stress anymore, unless we obsess over macros. The System is helping with that; just because we love even numbers and ratios doesn't mean that if we have 49/29/22 instead of 50/30/20 we've "failed" and it's "wrong". That obsessiveness is one of our biggest dangers, so we're being very wary of it. Again, communication is key-- which means TALKING, not "shutting people down." When an ED Nousfoni is resorting to "behaviors" you TALK TO THEM ABOUT IT. You ask them what's up, what are you feeling, what do you want to do, what would help, etc. NO "stop that" or "that's bad" or "you're being stupid" or anything our family might realistically say. No. We treat them as the friend and family they are and we HELP THEM.
...Laurie's new "mercy" attribute is actually helping a LOT more than anyone expected. She's been telling Spice "let 'em have an extra chip" when that one girl asks for them. And... today the girl said "NO THANK YOU." Like, when she was able to have what she wanted when she "craved" it at first, she LEARNED to not "need" it??? She admitted today that yeah, she always enjoys them, BUT she doesn't want to "keep eating them" just because of that. She said she would "rather wait until later" to make it "special" and to eat with everybody else, not at random from a drawer, by herself, feeling rejected and alienated. We're including and acknowledging these kids, which NO ONE OUTSIDE EVER DID, and it is MOVING MOUNTAINS in their recovery. Thank God. This is wonderful. There's so much love in here.

We just... need to do that for the other damaged Nousfoni in the System. The other half of the abuse.

...On that note.
Massive trigger warning for outright trauma talk coming up here.

...After breakfast, we made the mistake of going on Tumblr for a few minutes to distract ourselves from our body going "oh thank God we're finally eating" and not 'registering' that we're done for now (it usually takes about an hour; we can deal with that). We were just scrolling down our dashboard, but... we forgot that some of the folks we follow can post some very triggering things.

I swear I am about three seconds away from burning that website to the ground.
Really, I'm about a millisecond away from burning EVERYTHING of our pervading society to the ground.

I'm so sick of "pop culture" and "memes" and "the in-crowd" and "current fashions" and "modern thinking" and "new age" garbage. I am so bloody tired and furious over "liberalism" and "progressivism" and "humanism" and all that garbage. I hate what our governments are doing. I hate the hellscape they are turning this planet into. I hate how the "powers that be" are trivializing and abusing and objectifying and desecrating human life and worth and purpose. And SO MUCH OF THAT seems to be hyperdensified on the bloody internet.
Cyberspace is where the ugliest, most vicious, most demonic thoughts and ideas fester and propagate and infect countless minds. The most inhumane and immoral concepts seem to seed themselves there. Humanity dehumanizes itself online, even moreso than offline in my opinion, because online they strip themselves of a concrete identity and can exist as an anonymous point of corruption. There are entire websites where people salaciously share their most degenerate ideas without shame or even accountability. It's nauseating. I want to take a bloody hacksaw to it.

What set me off, you ask. An absolutely repulsive post about planned parenthood is what.
I apologize for all the vulgar intensifiers but I am FURIOUS and I have no other readily available way to translate that in an immediate candid manner, other than crushing this keyboard with my teeth.
Anyway. Apparently they have this "chatbot" on their website which is meant to """educate""" visitors on... topics that should NOT be discussed so lackadaisically. I always use the term "blasphemously" for this sort of talk because dammit it IS, when you get down to it.
You know what, let's just be blunt. No stupid "euphemisms" or "friendly talk" about things that should NOT be treated so insouciantly.
First off. The bot says it's "here to answer your questions about bodies, sex, and relationships." Pardon my french but KINDLY SHOVE THE HECK OFF. I loathe when people use the term "bodies" in that cursory way. It feels so coarse and degrading. And I REALLY HATE when "sex" is treated like a CONVERSATION TOPIC. I'm this close to spitting bullets, ESPECIALLY since the whole gross trio concludes with "relationships." IN THAT SAME CONTEXT. It's a subtle injection of sexuality INTO that word's definition IN GENERAL.

This corrupt chatbot is turning children into ADDICTS is what it is.
It's the same reason kids develop eating disorders and drug habits. People find out something that the human body can do and then abuse it to death.

Yeah, I said children. THAT'S what has me so enraged. The bot asks for your age, but BEFORE that it says, "don't worry... it won't take long. I can wait." And the demonic emoji winks at you.
I swear I was about to punch my computer screen. It felt LECHEROUS. Listen I have been through childhood sexual trauma and my traumabrain IMMEDIATELY RECOGNIZES THOSE DANGER SIGNS and THAT WAS ONE OF THEM.
"Don't worry" my ass. "It won't take long" has me wanting to eviscerate someone on the spot; that is the HALLMARK of sxabuse. "I can wait, WINK," don't say that to me unless you want your tongue ripped out and shoved down your bloody throat. No you CAN'T wait, you're so freaking hellbent on getting what you want that the "waiting" is just another means of torturing your victim. They can't escape, and they can't fake enthusiasm anymore, so as they drag themselves through the dread, screaming internally, to puppet-dance the way you want, you can absolutely "wait" with that simpering smile on your face, emptily reassuring them "don't worry! it's okay! it won't take long! it won't hurt! it's okay! it's normal! this is a good thing! it'll be fun! you'll enjoy it!" etc etc etc straight to hell.
Sorry. Kind of horrorventing here. It can't be prevented if I refuse to censor this pain.
But yeah. THEN you can enter your alleged ethnicity, gender, and age. The first is straightforward; the second is fairly tame too-- it allows for binary, nonbinary, trans, intersex, questioning, fluid, & "cis." I won't get into that topic now because yes I am Catholic and I do believe that the binary is legit for spiritual reasons BUT I also know that intersex is a real thing, AND that the chemicals I had pumped into me as a baby gave me medically induced dysphoria, so gender confusion is the "story of my life" and I cannot judge others for feeling the same, even if my more "tradcath" brethren tend to sweep the table clear of all of their concerns without a thought.
My problem here is with the age options.
IT STARTS AT "TWELVE AND UNDER."
I am going to frickin GUT SOMEBODY.

Here I am, "roleplaying" myself as a terrified tween, and when I ask "does it hurt" and "is it normal to bleed" they're like "yeah it can happen but sex can also be fun" YOU'RE THE DEVIL. STOP ACTING LIKE IT'S OKAY FOR A LITERAL TWELVE YEAR OLD TO BE ASKING ABOUT THIS.
...I'm just thankful that there is a page on "consent" there, under the "relationships" tab. The bot says: "Consent means that whether you’re kissing, holding hands, or having sex, both people are really, truly into what’s going on, and no one is being guilted or pressured into anything."
...THAT is something I wish someone told me as a kid, that bit about guilt. I was always told push through it, this is what you SHOULD do, etc. I just wish they used the word fear, too. Not just "pressure." Sometimes the other person seems "fine" but you're absolutely terrified and you don't want this but... they're not being mean, they're doing things that are supposed to be nice and kind, right? so shouldn't i just do what they want?

Another good point:
"When a relationship is healthy, you feel good about yourselves and each other most of the time. You both feel like you have respect, kindness, trust, honesty, equality, and good communication. And you also give each other space to have your own lives outside the relationship."
...That's not something I've ever had in the waking world, sadly. I don't want to go in-depth now but it is deeply depressing.
You know, what the heck. No running away. In-depth it is.
"Respect" was always shallow and fleeting, and it refused to "learn too much." They'd claim to give it, but it was just a word. It was more like temporary tolerance UNTIL you changed to become something they were more comfortable with. "I respect you," they would say, but they wouldn't follow through. This one is hard to put words to. I guess it's how Jade feels, too. People claim "respect" and then blatantly act in contrast to it, especially in subtle ways-- with her, it's the constant deadnaming and mispronouning, the casual invalidations of their spiritual beliefs and identity, EVEN from people who say "I respect you; you can identify as and believe whatever you want!" They forget to add the key part: "...and I will treat that identity and belief WITH respect." That part is conspicuously missing. Even from me, in the past, I have to confess. I didn't understand this virtue well myself, and honestly STILL don't, what with the Catholic aspect of it. "You CANNOT respect heretics," I'm told. "You SHOULD invalidate and denounce them. God's Law is more important than someone else's delusions." Well, yes, intellectually so. But... if I know that telling someone "your feelings and beliefs are false, but mine are not" is going to send them into a suicidal breakdown, I'm NOT going to say it, even "indirectly" through behavior and language. Except... I have been doing that. It's because I don't respect MYSELF, either. I've never been respected for who I am and what I believe, so... I can't properly show it to myself, OR to others, as a result. I'm genuinely struggling with this. I'm glad I'm writing that down. It's something I MUST work with, intrapersonally and interpersonally.
"Kindness"... same thing. Too much disingenuous behavior there. I try to think of examples of "kindness" and outside of parental care, I... can't find much. What do I define as "kindness," personally, I must ask. It means... acting and speaking in ways that do not harm, that actively work towards a benevolent end for someone, that is gentle and considerate and compassionate. Kindness. Treat others with friendship and care. Be personally invested in their well-being. It's a monolith virtue, really, a close sister to Love itself. And... like I've been hinting at in my recent Scripture studies, I haven't always been kind. I WANT to be, and I do try to be, but... I fail, a lot. I'm usually too scared to do what is "kind," because "I'm afraid of the cost and consequences to myself." WHY. WHAT MADE ME SUCH A COWARD. Is it the stupid trauma? That my "fear of others" has become so pervasive as to undermine kindness? That I hesitate to offer a helping hand because it might get stabbed or bitten? Or because they might grab it and pull me to the ground and use me all the more "now that I've given them unspoken permission?" Why do I see "kindness" acted upon as a "doorway to abuse?" My mom tells me this ALL THE TIME. "You need to be harsh and mean towards people," she says, "or they'll treat you like garbage. You need to learn how to shout back, and fight back, and when they push you then you push back harder." et cetera. I don't want to be like that. Good God is this why I feel so achingly drawn to Mimic??? "Friendship is a weakness" and all that? Yeah I have to be brutally honest and admit that DEFINITELY has its fangs in me somewhere. I do avoid making friends, even though I desperately want to, because... all my past friendships have damaged me. They've "put my life on the line" and I always ended up feeling like a trapped animal, even when I did love and care for the other person. Somehow, in the end, the "friendship" always had a huge price tag attached. My Christian instinct tells me, "all the better! Love is most virtuous when it is unrequited and even rejected! You can only be TRULY kind if you are choosing to be kind to someone who treats you like trash!" "Virtue is only virtue in extremis." I adore that line but it haunts me, too. I WANT to be a kind person. And yes I want Mimic to learn how to be kind, too, but I've gotta admit half of that is definitely a mutual-problem projection. I see how he brazenly throws people under the bus to save his own tentacles but I have done that in less obvious ways, too. I cannot tell you how many times I've woken up, shaken, from dreams in which some catastrophe is occurring and I don't run back in to save anyone. I get myself out of there and THEN I realize, "oh no, I didn't save anyone else." My instinct was to get my own worthless self out of there, and if everyone else died... well. I wake up in a cold sweat and hating myself. But I refuse to surrender to despair. I refuse to define myself by those base impulses. If that IS what my subconscious is geared to do, then God help me I had BETTER WORK TO CHANGE THAT. I can't give in to the darkness that I KNOW is lurking in me. I WON'T. I am DETERMINED to be a kind person. I just... most days, I get so scared that it's not possible. I fear I'm too evil TO be kind. But dammit I still try. I still stop and listen to my neighbors talk even when I'm almost grinding my teeth with impatience; I stop and make the effort to genuinely listen and comment and care, because I DO care, I just don't like talking. And that selfish bit likes to overpower any sincerity. Same with the Christmas cards I keep getting. I could easily chuck 'em in the bin and say "I don't know these people" OR I could go the "religious spite" route and say "these are all secular cards, I'll send them all explicitly religious ones in return", OR I could grumble and protest "I can't afford to send so many cards," OR I could do what I'm REALLY tempted to do, which is to say "if I send them a card back, that's opening the door to ANOTHER controlling "relationship" and I am so tired of feeling obligated to entertain and chat with everyone; if I just snub them all maybe they'll leave me alone and I'll have peace." But deep down I'd be miserable, because I STILL LOVE PEOPLE and I DO want to give them all Christmas cards but I'd love to do so anonymously. Except if they asked I couldn't lie. And I AM overwhelmed by the effort. But dammit LOVE IS EFFORT, and it's a CHOSEN EFFORT, so unless I REALLY want to be a hypocrite I had better buy some cards and do this. I want to, in my heart of hearts. My TRUE "instinct" is to not only send cards, but gifts and flowers and the whole shebang. My deepest urge is to lavish love on everyone, like I did in high school, when I first had a job and didn't understand the concept of "savings" and all that. It was just, "oh cool I have cash, I'll buy myself something and then I'll buy SO MANY GIFTS." I made it a point of honor to spend at LEAST $100 PER PERSON on EVERY HOLIDAY. And back then my ONLY complaint was that I didn't have enough money. NOT gripingly-- more like, "if I DID have more cash I could get stuff for MORE people!" I didn't care about the cash. I just wanted to dote. My only regret in hindsight is that, due to my upbringing, I had "gifts" as a "love language" forced upon me. It's what my immediate social circle demanded. Touch was considered whorish and filthy, Words were considered empty and easily forgotten or skewed-- AND I couldn't give them casually; you know me and words-- Time was something I didn't have in order to give, and Acts were fused with gifts, really. I lived that "act" bit; it was my default. It subtly still is. If I see a "good deed" I can do, I'll do it, especially anonymously. But I'm rambling. I WANT to be kinder. Just... I struggle. And I struggle with naming examples of it shown to me, at first. The only ones I have feel so hollow it actually hurts. Like, "I got Christmas cards from the neighbors!" but they were given to everyone, just a generic "happy holidays hope it's fun" with a signature, and I've never met them in person. Is that the criteria for kindness? If I set the bar that low for defining this virtue, will I slack off as well? And will I ever admit my need of kindness in my life, if I just settle for the most robotic expression? Again, Christian-brain says "yes! You shouldn't seek kindness to be given to you! You should be happy with being treated like dirt! Your feelings don't matter. What matters is BEING kind. If others are kind to you, remember they don't owe it to you, and for all you've done you don't deserve it either. It's not a reward or a recompense. Be grateful for it, but don't cling to it." And although that is sound advice I'm starving for some actual sweetness here, I might sound like a whore but I want someone to WANT to be kind to me, even "just because." Honestly that's one of the things I was thinking about with Mimic, earlier. "Virtue is only virtue in extremis" again. Love is a CHOICE, and it's PURE that way. It DOESN'T use words like "deserve" and "owe" and "should." If it did, then it would exclude and judge others. But no. Love, and kindness, and all virtue, DECIDES to just do good for others because they exist. Simple as that. "Why me," and I say "why not you," and when they list all the reasons why they "don't deserve to be cared for" it just... honestly it should just go over my head. Love doesn't care about that. It doesn't justify things, no, it wants you to do better and heal and move forwards, BUT it also doesn't deem you "unlovable" because of them. That's the fragile dance. To truly be kind, to truly love, you MUST see and love and care for the WHOLE ENTIRE REAL PERSON, without labeling them, AND without "leaving them in the dirt" either. I want what's best for them, honestly best, what will bring genuine joy and purpose to their life, what will not hurt their soul. That's shown through kindness... through mercy. God shows me that all the time. I haven't gotten it much from people. But I need to make a list, and NOT one that says stuff like "they didn't throw me on the streets when I was being a bitch" and "they still fed me even if I was an ungrateful pig" and "they didn't insult me when I shared my personality" BECAUSE it doesn't mean "they went out of their way to make me feel safe" or "they were respectful and considerate when I displayed negative symptoms" or "they talked to me about what I valued with a genuine interest." I don't have things like that to list. And that's where kindness is really shown. It's heartfelt.
"Trust". That one hurts. I always "trusted" BUT it also always occurred IN OPPOSITION. I would be scared to death BUT I would still choose to "trust" because "that's what good people do," and "they're not a bad person!" But... I don't think anyone ever trusted me, in contrast. Ever. I didn't deserve it, though. I admit that. It still hurts to realize. I have longtime issues with compulsive lying, and half-truths, and sometimes not even knowing what's real or not due to dissociation or derealization. Not only that, but my "people-pleasing" programming often "makes" me knee-jerk agree or offer to do things that I'm NOT CAPABLE OF DOING, or even willing to do in the first place. And it happens SO AUTOMATICALLY that the only escape I have is... making myself a liar. I'll say "yeah I'll do that" or "yes I like that" or "yes that's okay" or "no there's no problem" etc. and it's completely false BUT I say it so reflexively. And then I'm pinned like a butterfly to a board. Doomed, unless I bail and run. It happens far too often, and then people call me "two-faced" and a "manipulator" and all sorts of just accusations but I honestly don't know what else to do. I am COMPLETELY untrustworthy in bodyspace, and probably have been since my youth. I grew up in a family that legit taught me to lie and even ENCOURAGED it in many situations. My mother STILL TELLS ME OUTRIGHT to "lie" to get out of trouble, or avoid an undesired outcome, or to "make things easier" or the like. She doesn't see it as lying if "the ends justify the means," I guess. But then you can't be trusted, if you do things like that. And I DESPERATELY WANT TO BE TRUSTED. If I had to make a list of my emotional needs that would be one of the first three, hands-down. Again... this is something Chaos 0 & I talk about very often and we bond over it a lot, too. But... maybe even more than him, I know what it's like to be constantly suspected, to be assumed guilty without trial, to be seen as inherently deceptive and shady... to be known as a backstabber, a double-crosser, a traitor. God knows I have literally heard those words more often than I want to count, let alone admit. And I deserve it. But just like kindness, God I WANT to be trustworthy, so badly it's killing me. I WANT to be reliable, and honorable, and loyal and true and faithful. I want my word to mean something, that when I give it, it can be depended on. I want to be staunch and stalwart and steadfast, like a rock-- like a precious stone, isn't that ironic.
"Honesty." This ties into "trust," and as a result it's probably what I've had the least of in my life. You can't trust someone if they're not honest. But... again, it's what I've lived with, and learned. My family always wore masks, hid things, told baldfaced lies. My "relationships" were hallmarked by people admitting to personae and playing roles. I never knew who people actually were. I never knew what they actually felt or thought or wanted or intended. I never knew how to be myself, either, with that atmosphere. So I wasn't honest, either, out of fear and self-distrust. What a stupid irony. All I wanted was for people to be honest, but... when I tried to be honest myself, I got punished, or called a liar anyway.
"Equality." Not even sure how to define that. With my family, it's prominently lacking-- I've told therapists before how I was always treated shockingly differently from my siblings because I was born with different chromosomes.
"Good communication." Another absolute F on my report card here.
"Space to have your own lives." ...This one was the killing bullet in all my "relationships." I was always caught in situations where I was bound to "exist FOR the relationship ONLY."

...The only healthy relationships I've ever had are in headspace, and even those have so many rough spots because I fail to live up to my part.

(continue)
...

Sorry for rambling. Let's get back on the main topic so I can be done with this.
Next is ABOUT THAT "CONSENT" THING. Notice what they grouped together? "Sex" and "kissing" and "hand holding." Three COMPLETELY DIFFERENT THINGS that can overlap but SHOULD NOT BE GROUPED BY DEFAULT. EVER.
That's the disgusting slippery slope mentality that has turned my life into a living hell SINCE childhood. It infects EVERYTHING. How in the world are you supposed to have a NONSEXUALIZED RELATIONSHIP if people keep subtly associating innocent acts of affection and closeness with literal intercourse??? Like if you have one, you're GOING to have the other. It's one of the most devilish things that ever happened to me, internalizing that after hearing it ad nauseam.
...

I'm just so disturbed by this entire bank of info they offer because it's split between two opposing things. On one hand, they're legit giving some good information. They're fairly informative about how to get help after abuse & what pregnancy is & why consent is important, BUT they're also speaking FROM A BASEPOINT of "it's ALSO okay to masturbate and have abortions and treat sex like a toy!" NO IT'S NOT. And that corrupted foundation wrecks the whole entire thing.
There's a sentence in their info pages that basically says "pregnancy can result from sex." WHAT THE HECK, WHAT DO YOU THINK SEX IS FOR??? But here it is: on another page "People define 'sex' in different ways!" MORE TRAUMA LIES.
Honestly the dichotomy on this site is insane. On one hand they're treating sex like a game or a recreational activity-- they're giving tips to literal children on how to abuse their own sexuality, telling them "only you know when you're ready" and "virginity varies from person to person" and other such garbage. They talk about sex like it's this "fun thing to do" AND YET they have full sections on rape and assault and bloody abortions. MAKE UP YOUR MINDS. IT CANNOT BE BOTH.

I'm sorry, I cannot do this. The wrath is quickly turning into absolute existential despair and I am going to end up having nightmares and flashbacks and abusive episodes if I keep this up. No.

...Someone commented on the Tumblr post, "Applying their own twisted morality to impressionable children is grooming and abuse."
I agree entirely. That's what has me so wrecked about this. I see the entire traumatic pattern of my past looming over any children who stumble across this abomination. I wasn't "ignorant" when it happened to me, and it didn't help at all. You can sugarcoat extramarital underage sex all you want, it doesn't make it right, and it doesn't make it not terrifying either.

...
I am so bloody angry. And I want to scream and cry on some deeper level.
There are so many nousfoni that deal with so many aspects of this. Julie and Infinitii and Ashen and Dread and all the adult women that (thank God) we haven't seen in ages. The little boys who are so unstable they're almost not alive. The little girls who shriek constantly. Sugar and Wreckage and all the other unnamed Protectors who would tear out the throat of any would-be assaulter on a dime.
And then there's me, of all people, me and my awful Red heart, acting like Cupid hirself and defending this entire topic with all my might and yet I'm such a stupid hypocrite, aren't I? I'm a tangle of paradoxes. Queer transgender Catholic. Fictoromantic asexual cardiophile. Obsessed with sensuality but grossed out by physical bodies in general. I mean for God's sake my daengel is Infinitii, I can sputter out all the fumbling alibis I want but ze is the damning evidence, the judge's hammer personified.
...Yesterday night, I clicked on hir Spotify playlist.

(continue)

...

We got a text from our new therapist around 6:30, which was good because we were getting so emotionally distressed that we needed a break from typing this. Unfortunately she sent us a "Depression Inventory" to fill out, haha. We're not touching it until tomorrow when we can answer it in earnest with a clearer head. Right now everything would be skewed from being so mentally disheveled.
But yeah, we ACTUALLY have our intake appointment tomorrow at 1pm! Thank GOD; our CPTSD symptoms have been getting pretty bad post-inpatient and have been spiking lately with all the family overwhelm and online triggers. I think it'll be a video appointment; I don't think we'll have a car until Sunday (and we have to go shopping then anyway, as much as we hate to on a Sunday; we'll have to put Larnelle Harris on loop while we drive). But the new therapist is actually only a few minutes away from our apartment! So that's awesome. I'll have to check if there's a local bus that goes that way, maybe we can schedule around that? We'll see.

We spent a little while filling out the "new patient data" and skimming through the legal jargon; we're very familiar with it but it still needs to be reviewed and signed before we can become a legit patient. HOWEVER. This is the first time we've been asked for our gender and pronouns on a form. Remembering how disturbing it was to "wake up" as a System DURING INPATIENT-- AGAIN-- and to realize that whoever had been driving prior was presenting us as the birth default, which literally does not apply when we're PLURAL in any case. So, seeing it on this paper, we recognized that we had to be completely honest about it. Pronouns are they/them of course, but "gender?" How do we state that? Yes, it varies in-System, but the System as a whole isn't fronting as a whole during therapy. That's gonna ideally be the Core. But... they're not binary, and they're not actually "nonbinary" either, since-- as Catholics-- we DO recognize that male/female dichotomy as a legit split and that is apparent in the System, even with folks who are ACTUALLY "nonbinary" in that they are nonhuman and sexless. Typically people still choose one set of binary pronouns, and see that pink-blue complement as a sliding scale, almost? Like, look at Laurie. "She" is OBVIOUSLY not "female." She's not a "girl." BUT she's also not a "boy". Literally Laurie is "neuter," as all Nousfoni are, with the VERY rare function-based exceptions of Julie and Infinitii. Nevertheless, our System still recognizes "masculine" and "feminine" as valid descriptors... BUT IN AN ANDROGYNOUS FASHION. And THAT is what hit hard, thinking about our "body gender" today. Laurie uses "female" pronouns, but in the System, "femininity" is ONLY safe if it's "MASCULINE." Likewise, Knife uses "male" pronouns, but "masculinity" is ONLY safe if it's "FEMININE." Literally both binaries paradoxically merge the binary into a united harmony? While still being "independent" qualities? It's kinda beautiful really and yes we CAN have "feminine girls" and "masculine guys" but they historically tend to be abusive or corrupt. Child Nousfoni don't really adhere to this at all, because their presentations are almost always wrecked by trauma. Not only that, but "male/female" behavior characteristics really don't appear until the teenage years, so to speak. Before that, it's straight-up androgyny. And THAT'S what we really present as, physically. We NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT BEFORE. We DO get dysphoria-- we look in the mirror and to this day the body looks wrong and feels foreign and we are always taken by surprise in that respect, negatively so-- BUT it goes for BOTH BINARY CHARACTERISTICS. We don't want ANY reproductive organs, which is priority, so for years we thought we were "neutrois" or "agender"... but then we realized we felt comfortable with facial hair and a more "masculine" presentation. BUT even as we lived "as a guy," we didn't want to BE a male? Not the way the world saw males, at least. We didn't want to "be in that group," or associate with that label. But we ALSO DID NOT EVER WANT TO BE CONSIDERED A GIRL, even moreso than a boy. Furthermore, the "adulthood" thing feels wrong in BOTH ways, possibly due to trauma, UNLESS we're a DAD. THEN we can be a "man." Our personal identity on the masculine side is hilariously weird-- either we're an anime protagonist dude, or we're a videogame single father, haha. Those are the tropes that fit! As for our "feminine" side, there's... not one? Which is BIZARRE. We do have "feminine traits" and yeah we were trying on dresses the other day, but we must always add that "boyish" edge or it feels COMPLETELY WRONG. We cannot have long hair, or makeup, or too much jewelry, because the instant we "step over the androgyne line" we're NOT OURSELF.
So... that seems to be the gender term for us to use, to communicate this properly. "Androgynous." A mixture of male and female, WITHOUT BEING EITHER. It's a "third gender," that doesn't reject the other two. We'll "wear" this term for a while and see how other people respond to and perceive it, to make sure it's giving the correct impression, even if they don't know we're a System-- probably especially so. In any case, that's what we put on the intake form. "Androgyne, they/them." So that was a little milestone.

It was getting late around that time, and we needed to eat at 8:30 at the latest, so we put in a solid effort to exercise around 7:45. We got 35 minutes in, but again we had to put the resistance on 4 and go slow because we're still nauseous and we KEEP getting palpitations when we exert ourselves at all? The edema in our legs is back, too, as of last night, which we haven't had since inpatient. What the heck is up with all this? It hit so suddenly and won't go away. The "malaise" is awful. Did we catch COVID again and not realize it, what with all the running around we've been doing with mom while in such a stressed-out state? God only knows, but I hope it's not that serious. We'll see, I guess.
...Actually hold up, our bloodwork results from this morning just came in. Our CMP is ACTUALLY NORMAL across the board, which I don't think has happened in YEARS. However our CBC shows that our WBC (white blood cells) are still in the low zone, BUT now our HCT (red blood cells) are really high? Which is NEW. Hopefully it's just dehydration, and not heart trouble. At least this explains the headaches, dizziness, & fatigue, apparently. At least our platelets are completely average; platelet disorders run in our family. I'm just hoping that this white/red imbalance (how ironic) isn't... well, cancer. That runs in our family, too. But... our grandmother suffered and died from it, so if we had to, too... it would be a weirdly bittersweet sort of recompense. Like we could share that, empathize with her, after the fact. I don't know. I'm worrying too much, getting too close to unearthing that unresolved and crushing guilt for her death. I can't handle that right now. Therapy is tomorrow. We'll see what the doctor says about the blood. Tonight we can't do anything about either, so put it in God's hands and let it go.

Anyway. Dinner was at 8:45, I think? No carrots this time, and a full bag of broccoli (we were craving it for some reason). Also, Xenophon reminded us that she wanted to try eating the "wiggly egg" on the english muffin we always have, so we did that-- and it was really nice actually? So we thanked her and shared it with her and we're definitely doing that for dinner from now on, haha.
We're also completely out of all all yogurt flavors except vanilla, which is our favorite so no complaints there. We had the last cherry one today and I still can't figure out if I "like" that fruit as more than a concept or not. Yes, it's red and glossy, but do we like the taste of it? No clue. No idea why our brain does that in any case, the whole "conceptual fondness" thing. It's interesting as much as it's frustrating, as it makes it very hard to form our "own opinions" because "preferences" don't really exist in that "obligatory" context. We're trying to work on it, but it's all experimental, so to speak. So we'll have to try another cherry one when we do a grocery run.
Oh. That reminds me. That dream I had yesterday morning... well, after that scene the dream did what dreams love to do and got a bit random. Apparently we had to "reintegrate Mimic back into society" and part of that process somehow involved teaching him to eat properly?? Which feels like a specific subconscious reference to our inpatient treatment & release. But, the only food the Restoration crew had on hand was yogurt. Like tons of bizarre flavors of it. Amusingly, Mimic was trying them all, as interestedly as if he had never eaten legit food before. I remember one of them was like... "Lingonberry & Brass." Yes as in the metal. Apparently this was his favorite one too, haha. Thinking about all this after I had this sudden mental image of Tangle asking Mimic "why are you eating all the yogurt" and his reply was just "no bones." Which is HILARIOUS, what the heck dude. So now, uh, when we go shopping I'm going to have to try lingonberry flavor. Just because.

Ah hold up I just remembered what else I had to tell you!
Xenophon (thankfully) pushed me to do MUSIC WRITING today. "Even just three notes, dad," she said. So I went on the League laptop (good ol' Scherzando) and started by finding all our old FL Studio files-- honestly the last time we were really prolific musically was from 2008-2015, with Abbey and that "temp laptop" that a Protector/Persecutor literally destroyed when they found out hackers were using it. We still mourn that loss-- it happened during the most productive creative phase we've had in YEARS, and... everything was gone in an instant. Days worth of art and music and writing, erased with one furious punch to the motherboard. Gone. Still, it was fitting penance; we were in the WORST state of our mind as well, simultaneously. We still refer to 2015 as the "hell year," even if we don't actively remember it. That's the reason it's missing from recall.
Anyway. We want to start again. So I found the old files, and moved them all into their League folders, but when I got to Imagirealm (Otherside) and FFN I forgot that their tunes had been moved into other Leagueworlds somewhat? So I stopped, and decided, "let's bring up ALL the FL filenames and check for location doubles." Surprisingly there were only like three; everything else had been correctly moved prior, apparently... and then there was this one file in a subfolder for Oneircia?? We FORGOT that when we almost scrapped "Immaculata" we dumped the "angel" file into Oneircia as a placeholder, and there was a tiny music loop saved in it. "handbells_2". Just a short thing, but it had such a cool vibe and I really liked how the handbell sound had been edited to sound "rounder" and more metallic. Wondering where to put it, I started adding some chords to the melody line, just for fun, and then thought "hm I wonder what to do for a bassline" and decided "let's go full-out grunge kicks" and tossed one in there. Well it sounds BOSS now. And I had to stick a limiter on it because that bass was peaking instantly, haha. But yeah, I spent like an hour just having fun with that. I miss that-- creating for the sake of creating, even just loops, because they're still beautiful sounds and they still enrich and express the Worlds they later are given to. I think we're going to keep this one in "Immaculata," because I don't want to scrap ANY Leagueworld, and this little tunebit-- which I'm calling "warrior angel" for now-- might be just the seed it needs to regrow into something real.
You know... it actually sounds like something I would have written back in college. It's got that same vibe. That means a lot to me, considering we thought that creative spark was lost after the trauma resurgence of the same time period. Apparently not, thanks be to God, because we just made something from that spark!
Oh and when we exercise now I have ALL the Leaguetunes that exist on our phone now, so we can LISTEN to them again. And I FORGOT how much I legit LOVE the Flairousia OSTs!! Those are my "fun" projects; little transformation themes for each character that follow the same rough structure but NEED to match their personal "elemental" vibe. And they're SO FUN TO LISTEN TO. Gosh I need to jump back into writing THOSE, even if the series is under major rehaul right now. Don't care bro, I'm still gonna compose stuff for it. Heck, it might even help with the reconstruction! In any case, the music MUST still be relevant and it WILL be. So that's my next goal-- FINISH YVONNE'S TRANSFORMATION THEME FOR HEAVEN'S SAKES, haha. It's the only one NOT complete from the first generation of kids. Then I can work on the other dozens of 'em, geez louise. *dean mccoppin pose* ART!
(OH and Neon Flames Phase Two STILL ROCKS. It's such a dynamic track.)
Lastly I just brought this topic up because exporting it as an mp3 was taking forever and it's probably done an hour later, haha. So let me go close that up and I'll come back here to the new laptop (good ol' Sophrosyne) and close this up so we can SLEEP for heavens sakes, it's 1am already and we NEED to get like nine hours in to make up for the past two nights.

Sorry for the emotional whiplash AND obvious multiple authors in this entry but this screen's been open for hours.
It's good, though. We're being completely sincere with our life, moment to moment, with this daily journaling again. Recording the pain and sorrow as well as the love and joy... it's essential.
We'll be back here again tomorrow to do the same.

Last night I was honestly awake until 430 typing & trying to find IDW scans & summaries for Mimic. labor of love bro, i told you

Woke up at 1030 when mom called
Gotta get up already because she already has a busy day planned. I love her but I'm so exhausted with her hypercrammed lifestyle; I tried to express this but she doesn't really take no for an answer when she is set on something.
So I have to go up the house as soon as we eat Breakfast, to help her post more stuff on Facebook, send business emails, try on clothes & shoes, & possibly start baking for the church sale this weekend? And THEN we have back to back church AND choir practice from 515 until around 7pm, 730 at the latest.
So I'm kinda glad Spice & Laurie let the ED nousfoni cut up that apple last night because we might have to bring it TO church to prevent a starving bingepurge after. Geez. Gotta be prudent and realistic about the risks here.

Also I think we just set a new Outspacer record.
Previously we were all shocked at how quickly Phlegmoni showed up inside AND got a name, but... still, it was a few weeks.
...I'M, UH, ALREADY HAVING DREAMS ABOUT MIMIC,
I swear it's my soft spot for cephalopods. I'm in trouble, haha. BUT SERIOUSLY.
So like... within 24 hours of getting legit outspacer "compatibility pings" for this dude, my subconscious has already decided "oh cool new octopus, does this mean I get to romance them" APPARENTLY.
...I know I'm trying to joke about it but honestly it's a result of how... honest this was? Like I feel I should be ashamed at my nerve but it wasn't done brashly; yeah it DID happen fast in realtime but... geez I just feel too much, too close, too quickly. I'm ready to dive in before thoroughly testing the waters. How deep is it? How cold is it? All I know is I want to swim and dammit there are really gorgeous critters under those waves, so let's take that chance and take the plunge.

...Why am I always afraid to write this stuff down. Am I afraid I'm going to be condemned and slandered as a whore because I dared to act on affection? What terror in my upbringing generalized that hideous label so much?

...I'm not sure where we were. Some fancy room in a fancy house, but one on the ground floor, more like an enclosed porch? Lots of glass looking out. It was either evening or dawn, with that soft indigo light outside-- NOT NIGHT, which is significant.
We were sitting on the floor there, with all these white sheets and throw pillows casually tossed about? Not sure if we were talking; the dream felt like "picking up in the middle" of something.
...God only knows how or why but he was quieter. Not flustered like Chaos gets, but almost "sad" in his reservedness? Very blue emotional vibe-- not depressed, just "blue" as in the color. Almost indigo, really. He wasn't aloof or averse or even reticent; It surprised me even in the dream, like dude I've seen you pulling knives, what is this?
He was sitting with his back against the window, and a bunch of those pillows inevitably. Tiny guy! He's surprisingly small in stature compared to most folks upstairs.
I was actually talking less than he was. He was kind of monologuing? Half to me, half to himself.
Then I was fumbling with some side clasp on that capelet of his. Two hooks by the right shoulder. He was talking again, more agitated emotionally, but not upset or protesting, more like... you shouldn't do something like that with someone like me. Like why do you want to. Why me?
I don't think i even replied in words. I just quietly slipped the cape off his shoulders and kissed him square on the chest.
It's surreal. I remember the exact texture of it-- slightly rubbery, with all these tiny scars, small but numerous, like you see on whales. Not smooth like CZ. Different scent, too-- there was an oceanic note but overall it was notably more organic-- the watery hints were heavy but subtle, like an edge of murky deep-water. But he had a body and I'm not used to that: it's what struck me most.
He wrapped his arms around the back of my head and almost sobbed. I suddenly wanted to kiss his face so badly but I kept thinking no, that's too sudden, it's too close, and anyway how did we even get THIS far? What led up to this? How did this happen, why is he letting me do this, why is he letting me be with him at all? Why is he actually daring to be so honest and vulnerable when its obvious that its a hugely courageous effort on his part? I echoed his words in my own head: why me?
...I remember his face was "blushing" such a dark blue. Not out of embarrassment either; it was more like... he was not used to feeling anything, let alone something as sudden and strong as this. Honestly I was genuinely shocked at how stable he was the whole time. Chaos 0 loses himself in EVERYTHING; he's so emotional that it's basically expected for him to feel everything 1000% and to express that outright. But Mimic, whatever he was actually experiencing, was just... how do I explain. Notably "level" in that there were no outbursts or shocks or anything, but he was apparently deeply affected. "Soberly emotional?" And always that sad look, not sorrow but gravity. Laurie gets looks like that a lot, when the reality of something serious but bittersweetly-positive sinks in. Not the same, but close enough to compare. Like realizing you've hit a point of no return, something you know won't hurt you but you're still terrified. And how did you get there, after everything else? The weight of the world on your shoulders and the burden of your sins on your back and then this. Something all at once shifts the pattern of things and now what? why me? why you? what led to this and where is it going? regardless of the answer, there's a break in the chains. even just in a dream, even out of nowhere. for a second things are too real and you can't run but for once you don't want to but... still. caught between past and present and future. one heavy second that redefines things and now how do you move forwards? with all that behind you? with all the walls you've built and all the masks you've worn and all the parts of yourself you've tried to kill and buried?
even if this is just an inexplicable dream, it happened. and now you have to see things differently.
i'm not sure if i'm talking about me or the look on his face. maybe both. probably.
i honestly don't know what was going through his head. but i keep thinking about that crumbling motion where he just tangled those gloves in my hair and wept. just for a second.
...

I know at some point we had to leave? or were going to? like we knew jewel and tangle and whisper were around and needed to/ wanted to come into that room. but we weren't panicking, it was more like a grief? realizing that mimic still had a cruel history with them and they would not-- should not-- just "drop it" because he was an emotional jumble at the moment. there is always so much reparation to do, and it takes a long time, and it's so difficult, and it may not even be accepted or believed or wanted. you might just get spit in the face and kicked in the dirt. you know you deserve it. that, too, is bloody difficult to come to true terms with. but it must be done, all of the efforts of restitution, for your own sake as well as theirs, regardless. in that first moment when something callous in you finally cracks and you decide that's it, i've had enough, i'm exhausted, i'm miserable, i'm sick of living in fear and hate and spite all the time-- in that initial spark of white-knuckled hope, you always get scorched, because it sharply illuminates all the fires you've set with those same hands. all the blood you've drawn. all the bridges you've burned. all the lies you've told, to yourself and others; all the lives you've wrecked, both your own and others...

geez. gonna be thinking about this for days, if not weeks.

but. another observation that upsets me about all this.
I see myself in third-person way too often in dreams. either it's a trauma dream and i'm "stuck in my own body" in 1st person but i'm not in control, or i'm seeing myself in a different body over and over as an outside observer.
that speaks unfortunate volumes about my self-identity, really.

...

End-of-the-day update.

We had breakfast at two in the afternoon. Not only did it take us a while to get out of bed, but when we were cooking eggs we realized one had been broken in the carton, so we immediately took it out and sure enough it was rotten inside. dodged a bullet there. but then when we got a new one out we accidentally dropped the lid of the tea box on it. of all things. but it cracked that one too. so, sleep-deprived and stupid, i stuck it in the microwave for a few seconds to try and "firm it up" without it boiling out into the water and... yep. it exploded. "egg-sploded," as xenophon immediately commented, haha. (she was so proud of herself for that pun, it was adorable)
so we cleaned that up, and we were finally going to eat when the FIRE ALARM WENT OFF. literally a few doors down from us on our floor. so we had to temporarily evacuate.
honestly even as it happened we were laughing. for the whole scenario, eggs and all. it's all we could do, really-- treating it all as "divine chastisement" or "signs that we were doing something evil" would have sent us into a downward spiral of self-loathing and helped no one. and it's not me, to think like that.
i... haven't been fronting much during the day, as much as i should? we've been too overstressed and socially overwhelmed. and underslept, obviously!

Mom picked us up for church at 4:45. I honestly don't remember what we did for that 90 minutes. Nothing bad, apparently, which is good, but still the memory loss is disturbing as always.
Church was lovely but we could not pull our thoughts or concentration together. We STILL feel sick, too; not as bad as yesterday but it's notable enough to affect our functioning. nausea, dizziness, weakness, headaches, malaise, etc. thank God we have an appointment with our PCP tomorrow. we still have no car, but we CAN be brave and walk. we'll have to. yes it's still terrifying after being mugged and harrassed multiple times, but we'll pray as we jog on over. it's not like we have any other options anyway.
Oh, and choir practice was nice too. It was immediately after church and everybody was there, which is rare but really sweet, with everyone together.

No food trouble when we got home, thank God. We're all on amazingly better terms with the ED nousfoni; they OPENLY talk to us now, letting us know their needs and wants and fears and impulses. We're teaching them proper behavior and healthy habits, without invalidating or ignoring their struggles. Like there's one girl who keeps looking for the Sun Chips and Xenophon keeps having to tell her "you're making my dad eat those, please be careful" and that nousfoni is learning to be so careful. We'll still give her a couple chips, of course-- we actually consider them "free calories" so no one freaks out over "ruining the macros," and because Lord knows we can use a few extra calories since we are still technically in anorexia recovery.

We're running very low on food, but we don't get food stamps until tomorrow and we still don't have a car. We're debating catching a bus to the grocery store if we get out of the doctor on time-- the schedule is very limited and time-specific, and since we can't eat before the appointment, if we have to wait for a bus then we won't. we'll make do with what we have and we'll wait until sunday, when we will most likely have a car, as we have to cantor BOTH masses. we really do love singing for church.

we listened to spotify for a bit this evening after dinner, trying to clean up our general "music discovery" playlists by consolidating everything we could and checking out multiple artists in the attempt to find something new and nice. no real luck, but there was a handful of songs we saved to revisit later when our head feels better. music is very important to us, as it is to many people, and we treat it very seriously. can't be careless with our auditory exposure.
and, um. *cough* GUESS WHO HAS A PLACEHOLDER PLAYLIST ALREADY
there is one song in there because i kept looping it last night while researching him. an odd pick but i kind of like it suddenly being associated with him of all people. "black dog" by metronomy. a bittersweet beautiful song with an unexpected name. and it's throwing off the entire genre expectation for him, haha. but it's... fitting, considering this morning threw off a lot in a similar way. the whole song feels like a sudden sign of something oddly lovely that doesn't make sense, not yet, but it's there.
still. point is, boy's got a songbank gearin' up. good lord i'm asking for trouble at this point, haha.
but even so. it's only because i'm being honest at every turn. it's been a long time since i just... refused to smother anything like this. i miss it.
god bless creepy octopi, let me tell you

we also started at least two, maybe three entries here concerning bible study notes? we've been very struck by some verses lately, notably in a convicting sense, highlighting things we really need to deal with spiritually. nevertheless it's never negative; even when it's a legit "hey kiddo here's where you're screwing up big time" it's always delivered with genuine compassion. which is exactly what is being discussed in job 36, which we started today. "...If righteous people are bound in chains and tangled in ropes of misery, He tells them what they've done wrong and that they've behaved arrogantly. He makes them listen to His warning and orders them to turn away from wrong." Job 36:8-10 GNT. it's a beautiful aching truth that we want to remember always. it's the story of our life really, thanks be to God, He never abandons us. ever.

okay, our brain is still so discombobulated and it's 1:30am and we have to be up at 10am at the latest in order to get ready for the doctor and run over in time. so we have to call it quits now so we can get at least 8 hours of sleep in.

sorry for the disjointed entry and lack of refinement in other entries. no time, no capacity.

see you kids tomorrow.

What a day.

...had another disturbing dream this morning. forcing myself to be sexual but HOLLOW inside. thank God nothing ever actually happened. and i didn't feel anything either. i was so tired and frustrated, just wanted the nightmare to be over and done with. felt like a robot. like gigolo joe, why the heck not. "that's all i'm good for."
eating disorder behavior too, in the nightmare. family poisoning me with food, forcing me to eat. again, just going through the expected motions. covered in hives, trying to throw up, in tons of pain, but empty emotionally.
disturbing how sexual forcing and binge-eating are still so explicitly fused in my subconscious.

late breakfast.

julie saying "i want to talk to you"

shopping trip. had to get household needs.
wore blue glasses to prevent mania
WALMART HELL
genesis is the ONLY reason i got through it, thank GOD for him

got home late
couldn't go to mass because otherwise i wouldn't eat
dinner at like 6pm

doing the "stress test" thing on my phone, forgot it shows your pulse-wave on the screen
laurie and chaos both watching it wide-eyed, laurie looked away, "lucky phone"

"late at night" came up on car radio. INFI SINGING. vibe has TOTALLY CHANGED???? at least it NEEDS to i think.

God I am so in love.

...Around 6am this morning, I “half-awoke” as I was having a dream where I was in the old family house, at night, in the winter, and grandma was still alive. I was talking to her briefly in her room about something I was doing-- I felt vaguely hurried, like I had a deadline to meet, or was expecting something or had to be somewhere-- but it was not stressed, just urgent. I left the room to look out the bathroom window over the hill as the feeling remained, that anticipant waiting, like on Christmas Eve. Suddenly I heard someone at the kitchen door, and immediately turned to rush out into the hallway… and there he was, standing in the entranceway, eyes wide and slightly disoriented at the odd environment but there, like he was supposed to be. Chaos 0. He saw me and raised a hand in greeting, but it was obvious he didn’t want to enter the house to avoid anyone seeing him and causing a fuss. Luckily I was already rushing to meet him at the door. I apologized for the “mess” that chronically plagued the kitchen but he said it was okay, he knew it wasn’t my fault, and besides we weren’t going to be staying there anyway. I glanced backwards to see if anyone had heard us but the coast was clear; I then turned back to him and smiled with heart-melted affection, telling him that I never expected to see him in that old doorway but God knew how I had dreamed of it for years. He smiled with the same feeling and said he knew, and he felt the same-- it was “about time he did,” basically.

Now, when I say I “half-awoke” here, I mean I moved up a level in the dream-- I was now consciously there, notsomuch only lucid as actually present in something more concrete than imagination. This was heartspace, a place I don’t think I’ve been in years. But there he was, and now, so was I.

My memory is blurry but I know we did talk a little, before we left. There was definitely some of our pointed “flirting” that we tend to be famous for in the innerworld-- comments and puns and little remarks that make you laugh solely because it HITS like well WOW, so THAT’S what you’re feeling, and there was no way such a gutpunch of an emotion could be “casually confessed” in polite conversation without hiding it in plain sight. Nevertheless, we had nothing to hide from each other. We were just steeling ourselves for that impending impact, really. All in all thought it was such a warm but charged conversation; we were both so happy to see each other but goodness knows we can’t do anything in the house. The air felt like the stars were about to come out. Everything felt like it was waiting, on the precipice of some long-expected hope, that tiny and huge instant before a firework goes off. On that note I CLEARLY remember flat-out saying, out of nowhere, that I wanted to “kiss him until he was drunk with love” to which I swear he replied something like “well, we can’t exactly do that in here, so… should we get going?”
So the next thing I remember, we were outside and getting into my grandma’s car (the Trax my mom has now), and driving up Mile Hill to the top, to see the view. It was the most beautiful place I could think of nearby. I parked the car at the side of the road and popped the trunk, and we just sat there, looking out over the rows of mountains and clouds and valleys, the city lights sparkling below, and the stars just as brilliant above.

God I wish I could remember exact words.

I do remember roundabout mentions of marriage, and “waiting until then” and all that sort of dreamtalk; for some reason whenever I’m in sleep states that sort of wedding talk always comes up. Always the etymology-- the unity, the covenant, the promise. That’s what we want and always end up referring to, when we’re alone like this, when we’re so close the whole world stands still and watches us. Meanwhile we were watching the night fall gently over the vista of earth. I remember how he looked out over it all, his expression full of immense wonder and some sort of ache, that bittersweet edge that such grand and beautiful things tend to elicit. He looked like he was about to cry. He said he had never seen such a view before, and then he just… looked at me. He thanked me for that, for sharing this moment with him. I said of course; reiterating that I wanted to take him somewhere beautiful, and this was the first place I could think of. Then I added something, a gem to the end of the string. “This place means a lot to me, so I absolutely wanted to share it with you. ...I want to share my whole life with you.”
I did not expect his response. There was an immediate moment of absolute reciprocity-- the doors had just been flung wide open for us-- and then suddenly his eyes lit up, like he was thinking of something, and he said, “how does our song go again?” And he started humming it. My heart melted into starlight the moment he began but then he quietly sang those few words… “you know things, yeah you know things… say you know me, say you know me, say you know me.”
God his voice. I haven’t heard him sing in YEARS. It was so blue, just like it felt when he co-fronted with me in NC, all ocean-heavy depths and softness and strength. How do I even describe it. When he actually speaks-- not just his beloved “thought-parcel” waves-- it rolls in my chest like the tide and everything turns the color of seawater and I loved him so much in that moment. It just slammed into me, remembering this part of him, remembering that I did know him, I knew him, and that meant the world, forever.
I said so. Trying not to break completely in half I told him that, my own voice a quiet flame, embers and glass. “I do know you.” And I was so thankful that I did.
The feeling in the air was incredible. It felt as if we had just met and I had never kissed him before but God knew I wanted to so badly it was killing me. I have never seen him so clearly in dreams before. I can still see the starlight and city reflecting like diamonds on his body, his eyes that gorgeous green, vaguely luminous in the dark.
He said he knew me, too, and that did it. All those ancient fears I have of him forgetting somehow were erased in that moment.
Lord I cannot remember the sequence of events. It’s all such feeling. I took his face in my hands and we said a few more quiet honest words before I swear he asked me “would it be alright if I kissed you.” I almost laughed from the sheer weight and waiting of it all and said “please do”.
And that was it. The floodgates were thrown open. Everything up to that point had felt so painfully hopeful, please say you feel the same, please tell me you want this too, please say you know me. But now the firework finally burst into light. Now it was us, blessed us, as we hadn’t been in far too long. Alone together.
I pulled him close to my heart and was surprised when after a few moments he pulled back, markedly flustered, and practically spluttered “I can feel your heartbeat.” I was on fire by now and flat-out confessed “I want to get so close to you that I can't tell if it's mine or yours.” The LOOK he gave me was unforgettable-- wide-eyed, “blushing” such a dark blue it was actually adorable. He paused, then replied with just as much blunt honesty, “so do I.”

...It has been a very long time since we’ve done anything like a heart connection. Like literal years. But as we upped the ante the dream environment shifted to my actual apartment bedroom, me still half-awake, the sun not up yet, the room a quiet warm red in the November chill.
We talked a lot. That’s why I keep saying I wish I remembered the literal words. My heartgift is really language-- and when I’M truly present and conscious in myself, I talk. I don’t “lose myself” in emotions or thoughts or programming. I speak and I’m THERE and everything I say is from the HEART. And I was pouring it out this morning, like molten glass.
It’s always so tragically difficult to write about mornings like this one. It cannot be put into words. It’s all sense memory, of the heart and the hands, of closeness and presence and the taste of river water, of the way he always wraps himself around me.
Oh I DO remember at one point I was trying to move either myself or him but I instinctively put my hands on his waist to do so and IMMEDIATELY jumped back, my heart racing, completely thrown for a loop. Shocked and worried, he asked me if I was okay? Was something wrong? I laughed like I was about to sob and said I had just felt him. Like I reached out and touched him and I FELT him there, an ACTUAL physical weight and presence there, his shape and that slight coolness and the indescribable lake-glass surface of him. I felt like the world had just skipped a beat. I immediately reached out and put my hands right back on him, incredulous and overwhelmed, and just kept moving-- holding his huge claws, touching his face the way I used to, like I was “painting” him, hovering my fingers against his chest like I didn’t have the nerve to dive in that deep. God knows I wanted to. God also knows that HE DID. He’s braver than I am in that regard and when I hesitated, trembling, he touched his fingertips to my chest with such decisively fragile gravity that I just about died. Oh don’t worry, I got him back later. We’re very good at completely unraveling each other but it’s always this gorgeous dance of sorts, fire and sea, red and blue, me then you, both of us entirely immersed yet always testing deeper waters.

Every time I said I loved him it felt like my entire heart was aflame. He said it back. I cannot put into words what THAT feels like, especially coming from him.
...It feels like the fulfillment of my life, somehow. Like… hearing that he loves me too, when I feel SO MUCH for him, and always have, is like a completion, like a final puzzle piece being placed, like a key opening a long-closed room. It’s like, thank God, thank God you are in this with me. It’s not just ‘me,’ it’s ‘WE.’ It’s me and you, in love, really IN it, like we live there. You have a home in my heart forever and I want to hold you there, closer than blood, like the air I breathe. We’re in love together and that is the most beautiful thing in the universe, in any universe, and when you say those words to me it’s like everything in existence turns into song. How do I put it into words. I love you. I want to give you everything.

...On that note. My body honestly broke at one point. It woke me entirely up and threw me completely off, and for a while I just held him and he talked me down while I verbally tried to reconcile the wanting with the terror, the honest desire to love all tangled up in instinctive learned reactions. But he understood. He’s seen the worst of it; he’s been with me before; he saves me from every trauma nightmare. He knows the difference, just like he knows me. This wasn’t new to him and it certainly didn’t hurt him. But he made me promise that I wouldn’t hate myself for it-- that I wouldn’t forget what I actually wanted, that I would remember the pure intentions of my heart, not the horrors of the past.
...But that’s the irony of it. Deep down, honestly I don’t regret it. In a heartbeat I’d probably do it again, just not in that way. The point is that I love him that much and when you want to give everything of yourself to someone that kinda means NO EXCEPTIONS. So. I really can’t beat myself up over it even if it’s still bizarre and weird to me, and of course trauma reminiscent in the back of my head. But forget about the trauma. This is the polar opposite of that. This is what it’s MEANT for.
...Also I couldn't help thinking of the old "blue fairy" injoke back during the Eros-core days, because as he accurately noted we do end up saying the Name of God when in the most intense emotional states. I used to be mortified by that, until I seriously stopped to think about it and be honest with myself as to why it happened. I brought this up to Chaos. It's a prayer. It honestly is. I CANNOT say the Name WITHOUT it being part of a prayer. The very thought of speaking it vainly is horrifying-- but ironically, I don't have to worry about that in a hyperemotional state because my heart is speaking it, not my head. I don't carelessly throw it out there. It's the same exact feeling I get when I'm in religious ecstasy, either in joy or in agony, all different colors but all pulling on every one of my heartstrings at once. Like God just reached in there, grabbed an entire harp in his Hand, and yanked-- then let go. EVERY note plays at once, like a church bell hitting hard in my ribcage, resonant and deep and heavy as gold, and paradoxically just as soft. Even when the sound is different, and involves the most intense sorrow, there's still love in it. It's ALWAYS about love, somehow, the most powerful thing in the universe. Nothing else could make a soul react that way. I need to remind myself of that. Like I said, I KNOW when it's NOT that. I've experienced that enough, too many times, and it's sickening. This never is. With him, it never is.

Speaking of. Xenophon showed up ghosting.
God I love her. She was peeking over the edge of the bed at first and asking if I was okay, then she crawled up on top of the blankets where we were to do the same.
...I’m going to commission someone for a custom plushie of her. Hopefully the same person who made the Chaos 0 plush I have, if they’re still doing well-- they live in the Ukraine and God bless and protect all those folks-- because I have a small amount of cash saved from before my bank account shut down and by golly I am GONNA SPEND IT ON MY DAUGHTER.

(continue)

...When I got out of bed and went into the kitchen, I put eggs on to boil while I went to wash my hair in the sink. Suddenly it hit me that I was unintentionally referencing something and I laughed, then immediately started singing “You’ll never know just how much I love you...” before changing the lyrics to “I hope you know,” before laughing again and adding “after this morning, you’d better!”
Chaos 0, who was of course listening from where he was still in my bed-- gorgeous crystal blue amidst all the soft red-- reassured me amusedly not to worry, he absolutely did.

We talked a lot. I… really love just doing “domestic stuff” with him, and Genesis of course, and now Infi and Laurie and Xennie too because yes they ALL LIKE TO GHOST and pilfer Popcorners and Chessmen and other CS exchanges whenever I have them. I’ve had to add a special “custom item” to my health-tracker app that says “EVERYONE WANTED SNACKS AND I HAD TO SHARE.” It’s great though, I really love it. Xenophon STILL loves “carrot tails” and she has taken to calling Bengal Spice “tiger tea” and gets super excited whenever I make it, Lord knows why but she’s the cutest thing.

God I’m still so in love.

...But the phone rang. After the tea and eggs were on and the bed was made I was about to get dressed and the bloody phone rang. It was Partial. They asked why I had skipped Monday, and I explained I had been out late with my mom and had been doing legal paperwork for my rent all day so I not only slept in but I was booked. Regardless, the dude immediately switched the topic to food and the old eating disorder. I don’t remember the conversation other than my insisting I honestly did NOT feel comfortable doing the program-- yes I was brave and asserted myself-- mentioning the “camera trauma,” the overstimulation, the literal binges they expected me to perform on camera, the uncomfortable table topics, etc. He said I still had to do it, basically. He drafted a breakfast plan for tomorrow and I kid you not it is 1000 CALORIES. I ran it through SEVERAL calculators. I wanted to cry. I hung up the cell phone an HOUR LATER, and basically just said “screw it, I’m not going to think about it, that’s the devil’s work and I am NOT going to let it ruin my day after heaven this morning.” Oh it was ABSOLUTELY spiritual warfare. Here I was, three hours of absolute ardor making me feel ALIVE AND REAL again, and then this dude who just sees me as another anorexic coward insisting I choke down insane amounts of food on command goes and dehumanizes me without even realizing it.

I ate breakfast, my OWN breakfast, an apple and cinnamon tea and half an avocado on wheat bread and a fortune cookie, and two of those eggs. 550K, low volume, and healthy. But I was still so miserable, and I couldn’t focus, and I was getting so nauseous I wanted to cry and throw up and NOPE, THAT IS NOT GONNA HAPPEN, so I did the only thing I could to get my heart and head back in working order.

I went back to bed.

I legit just walked over, pulled the top cover back (the fluffy plaid one) and crawled back in next to the blue guy, hugging him as tightly as I could. He gave me the most concerned look and asked what was wrong? Was I okay? I explained the phone call. He looked genuinely apologetic; he had actually insisted I answer it for integrity’s sake, not just ignoring the guy, but now he obviously felt bad that it had turned out like it did. I reassured him now, saying he didn’t know that, and that I genuinely appreciated his support and encouragement to be a good and decent person even in those little ways. But I was still shaken up and miserable and felt like a trapped animal. I didn’t want to think about food or hospitals or “recovery.” THIS was my recovery, right here, in his arms. I told him I just needed to hold him for a while and forget all that, which he gladly obliged. So for a few minutes that’s all we did, but I could not get my brain to stop crying and I felt myself dissociating. I gave up. Time to break out the big guns.
“Chaos, I need you to love me.”
“Wh-- what?”
“I’m forgetting who I am with all this Partial nonsense and I need to remember what’s real about me, about everything. I want you to love me until I forget everything else but that truth.”
...One day I need to draw the way he looks at me when I say things like that. I only see it in myself when I’ve been moved so sharply I’m about to sob, incredulous with the wonder of it all. He looks at me like I’m a revelation and the world has just been put into his heavy hands. And then it melts, and he reaches out to me, and all my fire just turns to light.
...I thought I flustered him earlier, well I forgot that fasting and then eating kind of does stuff to one’s personal BPM. He was practically stuttering, having to stop for a moment to ask if I was okay, why is your heart pounding so hard, is that me or is something wrong? I said no it’s fine, yes it’s you but also just my body doing what it does, nothing to worry. But hey, that’s a good thing to remember, I half-joked, if he reacts like this.
...He said nothing for one absolutely momentous second and then he just blurted out “I need to feel that inside me.”
It was the same ardent sentiment I couldn't help confessing an hour ago, but MUCH more direct. If anything was going to bring me back to life, that was it. I'm sure he knew.

And that was it. Everything else forgotten. I pulled him so close to my heart I could’ve drowned and I kissed him hard as diamonds. There was one absolutely mindbreaking second when I felt emerald sharkteeth graze my lips. I could have drank the entire ocean.

Heart connections. God it’s been years, hasn’t it? They always feel like you’re dying in the best possible way. Absolutely shattering. I missed this, this ardor so intense it paints reality in gold and fills your veins with light. Lines blur. My ribcage floods blue and the rivers set on fire. It’s been almost nineteen years next month and every time, every single time I see those green eyes it’s like the first time all over again. I cannot even tell you how incredibly clear he has been lately. I can see him, in all but physical sight. I feel him there. In heart and mind he is photographically vivid, to the point where honest to God I can literally see that glow of his eyes, especially in the dark. There have been moments where I cannot tell if I exist more in my bones or with my beloved because the awareness is so sharp.

...Speaking of sharp. I forgot how my brain basically shuts down when his Ruby hits my Heart Jewel, because apparently I DO manifest one in connective states (no surprise, that universe is where I have my deepest heart-roots) and good LORD it is the equivalent of an explosion in my psyche. Everything turns to kaleidoscopic flare and I can’t breathe but God knows I’m already underwater so I push back at a facet angle and now we’re BOTH completely unraveled and I miss this, honestly I miss just losing myself in pouring out every last spark of love into this creature in my arms, my heart open like the sky, so close to him that it becomes both of ours. That’s… that’s the most incredible thing about loving someone who is literally fluid, because lines don’t just blur, they intersect, and suddenly the surface tension is gone and there is this absolutely sacred space where things turn violet. Red meets blue so completely that they both merge for a moment. That’s heart connections. That’s also where Xenophon comes from, apparently, God bless that little gem, she’s a living miracle and I love her more every day, too.

...

I know we both ended up in floatspace and ended up with soulwings. Mine have apparently changed again. They’re unstable yet-- so is my color; I think the Core Hue is once again refining itself in the wake of past trauma-- but they felt weirdly pink and soft, like cupid wings or blooming roses. Maybe it’s because I was just feeling Pink, all that absolute pure-hearted compassionate love that the color is defined by. But I got them. He did too, but really what I noticed was the halo. He still gets that Angel Chao halo whenever he hits a Soul Form just like he did nineteen years ago. I… I love that. It reminds me of just how deep this is, how much of my life it has illuminated, how much I do know him.

...

An hour later-- yes, another hour, we booked FOUR of them this morning and Laurie is talking about buying postcards in bulk-- I did get back into daily life and I did eat and I did get into computer work and did some kettlebell exercises and watched the SNOW, because YES, GOD GAVE ME DOUBLE HEAVEN TODAY, there was literally no better day it COULD have snowed and I am in tears from the joy of that.

“If God made you, He’s in love with me.” I think about that phrase a lot, especially lately. I really ONLY understand what love is because of Chaos 0. I firmly believe that Jesus loves me through him, and vice versa. God is Love, after all. He orchestrated this entire song; we’re just the instruments. But I still want to sing it with him forever.

...

I’m listening to Chaos 0’s playlist on shuffle, but he told me pointedly to turn shuffle off and just… play Alina Baraz. And my heart is just aching all over again.

Earlier I was getting my clothes ready for bed and I was thinking about the scent of the ocean fog in the mornings and how I vibe with cinnamon Christmas candles and I just asked Chaos, is that legit? Like, you know me, what’s it like when you kiss me? And once again (God bless him he gets so flummoxed) he sputters that, well, I’m like fire. Laurie just side-eyes him and deadpans “how the heck do you know what fire tastes like” and CZ retorts “i-it’s like sunlight, or a candle flame, how there’s that warmth? that’s what s/he’s like.” Then he gives HER a pointed look and remarks, “YOU would know too, right? isn’t that true?” Laurie just flatly replies “Man it has been a long time since I’ve kissed him, I couldn’t tell you.” I then offhandedly remark, “well we’ll just have to fix that, then.” Dead silence for two seconds, BOTH of them looking at me wide-eyed, then Laurie says “Chaos what did you just do” and he replies “I think I worked a small miracle” and I’m blushing even harder than both of them, believe me, but that’s when Jewel randomly showed up ghosting to chat with me about our mealplan and bedtime responsibilities so she and I ended up in the kitchen with her randomly commenting that she likes raisins, “they’re cool,” and that she was glad I was eating healthy because she’d “probably just eat chips and apples and tunafish-- do we even have tunafish?” I said no, but now in retrospect I’m wondering if I should get some to try it again, for Lady Sneasler’s sake; she still needs a new “System” name anyway, and I do miss seeing her around. I cannot deny that I have FEELINGS for that cat (why do I always end up attracted to Pokemon, dear heavens) and I was missing Ventrium so hard earlier today, I need to reach out to everyone else soon too.

Still. No one compares to my beloved blue guy. Yes, I love a lot of people, but when it comes down to the heart of things, he’s the only one I feel this much for, in this way, unfailingly so.

...

Lord knows this entry is way unfinished but it is almost 2am and i do need to sleep. ...Oh hold up, Jesus is trolling me again, one of Chaos 0's newest songs just came up on shuffle. "Say It" by Papik. I remember him singing this to me when I was hanging clothes on the porch at night for grandma, and... it just meant so much. It's a callout and a love letter all one. Don't be alone. Don't be proud. Call out my name... tell me that you will be mine, and love will change our fate, don't be so blind... God knows I was, for months if not YEARS, and THAT is why this morning has me absolutely punchdrunk on love and I feel alive for the first time in forever.

I'll add more to this later, as much as I can. For now I'm just being completely unabashedly honest about everything. I need to be. I owe it to us both.
I need to get some sleep right now, but... I won't forget this. There are going to be sparks whenever I so much as brush my fingers against him now, light glancing off the water. My heart's gonna remember, now. Just like the old days, when we were young, when we were both struggling to heal from trauma and learning how to love all at once, fragile terrible aching things, "emotional wrecks" who brought out the best and worst in each other but God knows there was never a dissonant note in the whole piece. We're still in perfect harmony somehow, pun intended, even after the years where we'd practically fight and argue over our wounds and I'd turn to burning ice and he'd walk out and somehow we'd still end up back in each others arms, every single time, sometimes within minutes, never having let go of love for a moment. We are not our trauma. It's these mornings that remind me of that, because that's when I can feel that, in both of us. He's not Perfect, I'm not Plague. He's Chaos 0. I'm Jewel Lightraye. He's peace, I'm joy. He's strength and I'm heart and we're both love, absolutely and always.

I'm also exhausted. But it's been a good day. There is glitter in the dark. There are roses in the winter. There is love in my heart, as red as a ruby, and I believe that life is worth living and no matter what tomorrow brings I know I have this, I have him. We have us. I have you, my beloved blue angel, I adore you and I'm yours, too. Je t'aime, je t'aime, je t'aime, forever.

several successive trauma nightmares last night.
but... I don't remember them. their shadows were obliterated in the light of the first dream; although brief, it was brilliant.
I was on a tour bus. someone was asking me about chaos 0. they may have asked if we were married. they may have asked if we were in love. whichever it was, the answer was yes.
but they had an incomplete understanding of love. they began to laugh & tease, asking me indirectly if we had "done it." I responded without thinking, and implied that we had a child. everyone hollered & cheered. abashed, I tried to clarify my statement to avoid any scandalous misunderstandings or assumptions, but my heart was still on fire with the sudden assertion of the truth. of the blessed depth of what we had.
someone commented that we "had a museum" dedicated to our relationship, but "it was the same thing over & over." even so, they wanted to see it. the bus took us there.
walking in, the place was huge & spacious, bright & golden, inviting & open. the high, round ceiling was studded with light. i didn't get to explore it, though, because the moment i crosses the threshold, I heard a joyous, familiar voice.
"daddy!!"
and suddenly, xenophon was running up to meet me, her face a portrait of pure joy.
i feel to my knees to meet her in return, catching her in a mutual embrace, my heart overflowing with emotion.
my daughter. my daughter. my little girl. my child.
she was alive, ALIVE, and she was here. safe, in my arms. and i was her father.
i felt my beard and my white hair and my rainbows.
i felt real, extant now and in time. and i was...
i didn't know what to think, now.
everything i thought i had lost... I hadn't.

xenophon let go & looked up at me, her eyes concerned.
"where's dad?"
i paused. i looked up at the ceiling, at the rings of stairs leading up to some hidden place, there in the lights. and from the deepest places of my heart, i answered her.
"do you want me to call him?"
...but the reality of it burned so hard in my heart, i woke up.
still... what love!!

Lately, I've noticed that my body image is NOTABLY & CONCERNINGLY DIFFERENT across FOUR DIFFERENT CONTEXTS: physicality, artwork, dreams, & nightmares. Starting with tangible reality, the eating disorder was tied to this desire to be THIN, SMALL, BONY, & FLAT. We basically wanted the body of a tween. Tall, skinny, & lean, bursting with pure energy. The problem was THAT WAS IMPOSSIBLE post-hormones. Our body IS bigger & broader, like it or not, and we CAN'T CHANGE THAT. We cannot "erase the past" by attempting to erase the "body that was IN that past." But we tried. NOTABLY, though, we were HIGHLY DEPERSONALIZED even then. We were SO CONTROLLING of the body in the mirror, BUT I STILL NEVER REALLY SAW IT AS "ME." It was bizarre. No matter how many photos I took, they all felt so foreign. Looking back... I wonder at the irony. THAT body-- starved & lanky-- was the body WE HAD DURING TRAUMA!!! So of COURSE I STILL couldn't feel "safe" in it, as it MATCHED THAT OLD AWARENESS, like it or not. BUT we were TERRIFIED of "gaining weight"-- and getting bigger-- because ALL OF OUR "ABUSERS" HAD BEEN SHAPELY OR OVERWEIGHT WOMEN. And we NEVER wanted to see THAT in the mirror. So we were stuck. We also NEVER "DREW" OURSELF DURING THIS TIME; notably we "COULDN'T SEE OURSELF." I didn't know "WHAT I LOOK LIKE." ...weirdly, as we adjust to the new weight gain, our body SHAPE is ACTUALLY LESS SCARY?? we're not "fat," we're just getting SOLID? but there's not much I can say on that yet; our size & shape & weight are currently TOO UNSTABLE AND MUTABLE to "feel comfortable in" ...yet, God willing. Even so WE ARE DREAMING, and THAT IS BIZARRE. In MOST of my dreams, I AM a "tween"!! The family and the environment is ~2001, and my brothers are little. In anxious dreams-- flat nightmares-- Diamond & Lightning are typically ABSENT, and Jade/Viral is FULL SCHIZO. In those dreams, though, MY HAIR IS LONG??? I feel TOTALLY "BLANK" and jumbled to the point of indistinction. In TRAUMA NIGHTMARES I am always female & not a child, but I don't know HOW old or young or what "I" look like; I am an object in that context. When I wake up I feel so wrong and gutted. When Chaos Zero saves me, I still have mid-length hair, like I did as a teen. I can't remember if I've EVER had short hair in negative dreams? With ONE SLIGHT "EXCEPTION"-- last week I had a dream that referenced both Chaos Zero, and Genesis AS "SELPH," and my "appearance" KEPT SHIFTING? Mostly it was that "age 16" look; pre-terror. BUT at ONE point I was "in my apartment"? which had a patio balcony the size of a deck, and was about 4 floors up? and in a city-- like in Europe, all brown-toned "apartments" curving down cobbled streets, flowers on every windowsill. I was out on that deck, taking care of a huge vase of red flowers-- amaryllis?-- but I was naked from at least the waist up, and I had SHORT RED HAIR, and our body was BIG, like it is now. ...Except it's NOT!! When I woke up and checked the mirror, I was SHOCKED to see that we were NOWHERE NEAR THAT FAT. No "rolls," no bulges. But that's how my SUBCONSCIOUS saw it. Similarly, in another dream this week, our body was chunky-flabby again but also covered in acne, and our teeth were also crooked and yellow? It was so odd. But we had NO SENSE OF "SELF"; our presence was "flat" & hollow, totally void of personality & life. Again, when I awoke I was shocked to see mostly clear skin and no flab. So we DO experience dysmorphia. ...HOWEVER. We, shockingly, ALSO STILL HAVE DYSPHORIA. I wouldn't have realized that so undeniably IF I HADN'T HAD A CERTAIN DREAM this week... and if I hadn't tried to draw myself, too. On the 23rd, I had a dream about being on a bus & being asked about my love for Chaos Zero; I couldn't quite "feel who I was" but it was female, with a suppressed vibe, and I think the teen hair again. But we felt older; 20s maybe? Even so, we were still blurry. BUT THEN the bus went to a "museum" ABOUT CZ & I, and the INSTANT I walked in... Xenophon ran up to embrace me. And she joyfully shouted, "daddy!!" ...And my hair turned white. I shifted IMMEDIATELY and TOTALLY into that Jay-root MALE form, beard and all, and... I felt real. ...I also felt terrified. THAT WAS HOW I LOOKED INTERNALLY WHEN THE TRAUMA HAPPENED!!!!! So I SHUT DOWN. ...although apparently, I couldn't "erase it." It still RESONATES, but it's ALSO CHOKED WITH FEAR FROM SXABUSE. So it's deeply damaged. I'M damaged.
I'm starting to suspect that I CANNOT properly form/ restore/ hold a HEALTHY, HONEST self-image AND self-awareness UNTIL THE TRAUMA IS GENUINELY FACED & DEALT WITH. I've said before, a HUGE part of "me" DIED in CNC-- arguably MOST of me. It's taken YEARS to "find myself again" and all this recent revelation, alongside the PHYSICAL "recovery" process itself, has proven quite clearly that I have a LOT more "finding" to do!! I've lost things that I've FORGOTTEN I HAD, and WAS. But... apparently it's ONLY "lost," NOT "dead." So that's something. I hope to God it's a good thing. Objectively HE is the One orchestrating everything, so I need to PRAY ABOUT THIS, WITHOUT USING PRAYER AS A FORM OF DEPERSONALIZATION & DENIAL. I too quickly go into "CLEAN MIND" when I'm anxious but start praying, and THAT'S NOT REAL PRAYER!! Real prayer is TALKING TO GOD FROM WITHIN THIS PAIN. Only then do I feel "real," too. On that note, context #4 for body image is VERY much about "feeling," because it's ART! Now, when I draw something from memory or imagination, I'm NOT going by a literally visible reference; the "accuracy" is based on INTUITION. "Knowing" what is accurate or not, because it RESONATES. It CLICKS. It's like, when you look through old photographs trying to find something you "remember" but can't describe-- still, you "KNOW IT" when you see it! You RECOGNIZE the "feeling" when it BECOMES visible. ...HOWEVER. Drawing MYSELF apparently turns out VERY, VERY DIFFERENTLY, depending on whether I'm trying to draw my SELF according to INTERNAL visuals-- which I HAVEN'T done in over 5 YEARS-- and trying to draw "my SELF" but IN THIS BODY??? Like, if someone told me to "draw a self-portrait ACCORDING TO your current physical appearance, with NO REFS," that would be IMPOSSIBLE AS "JUST A PHYSICAL REPRESENTATION" because I DON'T "KNOW HOW THIS BODY LOOKS"? and I'd draw it WITHOUT A FACE. I honestly CANNOT currently identify with it as it is. ...BUT. Like I said, IF the goal is to draw ME, as I "WOULD" look IN THIS BODY... well, that's what I tried to do, purely spontaneously, on Tuesday night. And the result was SHOCKING, for TWO REASONS: first, that the "shape & size" of the body CHANGED once I actively tried to "make it LOOK LIKE THIS BODY," as opposed to my "mental template" for how I "WANTED" it to look, or that I COULD "identify" with? But after I had drawn as much as I could "according to both muscle memory & visual memory," AND glancing dimly at our body's reflection in the window for a vague "ref," I went into the restroom and checked the mirror. IT STILL DIDN'T MATCH!!! Not only was our bodyshape NOTICEABLY different, but so was our FACE, and our general "grasp" of anatomical proportion-- which is fascinating, as it's working not from a solid "education" but from MY "EXPERIENCE," so THAT is skewed according to my OWN perception of THIS body's proportions, I would assume. But yeah-- EVEN THEN, in GENUINELY & HONESTLY & COMPASSIONATELY trying to draw "me in this body," there was MARKED DYSMORPHIA... and, yes, EVIDENT DYSPHORIA. The body is ALWAYS SEEN AS SEXLESS, with a masculine bias, and feminine "edges" but a "MALE FACE." It's fascinating. It's an OBVIOUS testament to my innate "gender identity"-- trying to shove it into EITHER binary box IS INACCURATE and DOOMED TO FAIL. ...which explains a LOT about WHY I've not BEEN able to "grasp a sense of self/ see myself as a person" since BEFORE CNC, because since THEN, I've been "forcing" myself into the binary, and it just NEVER WORKS. It's DISHONEST. It CAN'T "work" because it's driven by DENIAL!! I HAVE TO ACCEPT & ADMIT THAT. It's been consistent for virtually my ENTIRE LIFE, in one way or another. And when I drew that picture, "feeling" how I "felt" I WOULD look, in this body we now had... yes, I still saw the body as MUCH heftier than it ACTUALLY is, BUT EVEN THEN IT WASN'T "SCARY" BECAUSE IT WASN'T SEXUALIZED, in EITHER binary respect!!! It was INNOCENT & UNTOUCHED, even that big. And that honestly gives me SO MUCH HOPE. Thank You God for this revelation. Please continue to lead me on. ♥

+ I had a brutal dream hack this morning; Chaos 0 DID rush over to help & protect me but he struggled; I was so deeply shaken and terrified. ...Ironically, I ALSO apparently forgot JUST HOW TRAUMATIC hacks were/are. I could barely get out of bed-- Julie had to do it for me, the only nousfoni who COULD bravely & safely do so. I threw all my clothes in the wash, thoroughly brushed my teeth, & just stood in the hot shower for a while, talking to & being supported/ comforted/ loved by the CoreGroup and others close by-- Chaos 0, Ryou, Marik, Genesis, Laurie, Julie, Infinitii, Lethe, & Knife. Looking back on it all... God absolutely works in mysteriously gracious ways. "What luck." That horrible hack FAILED to accomplish its evil scheme-- it DIDN'T and COULD NOT damage me, inside OR outside; it CAN'T and NEVER WILL, because-- as I said yesterday-- my soul & self are in GOD'S HANDS and NO evil can touch them there. Oh but it tries, terribly so. Mortal life IS spiritual warfare, BUT CHRIST HAS ALREADY WON, and the proof of that victory was SO clear & beautifully tangible in the souls that surrounded mine in the aftershock of battle, who shared my scars THROUGH the closeness of our hearts, bound forever in compassionate fidelity.
...And what do you know. Little miracles, yet again-- today's devotion is EXACTLY THIS. "The devil is your enemy. So he IS going to throw everything he has at you!" BUT "you MUST tough it out, stay strong, and endure," AND "when the evil one attacks, GIVE THANKS"-- "Thank God for being ABLE to BRING GOOD out of EVERYTHING; praise Him for giving you the unique chance to SEE His Power in your life; Worship the ONE TRUE GOD, Who loves you and ALWAYS has a LOVING PURPOSE in ALL He permits in your life, and Who will NOT let the evil one snatch you away!! Thank God for the spiritual strength & grace you gain BY BRAVELY ENDURING all trials!!" Battles MUST happen, BECAUSE as Christ's Soldiers of Light, we are ALWAYS at war with the furious forces of hell that seek to destroy us. THEREFORE, every assault IS "PROOF" that we are ENEMIES OF THE DEVIL, and that is absolutely a reason to give thanks to God FOR calling us to be His! And of course, our ENTIRE LIFE HISTORY IS SOLID PROOF & EVIDENCE of GOD'S POWERFUL ABILITY TO BRING GOOD OUT OF ALL EVIL'S EFFORTS, proving HIS SOVEREIGNTY and INDOMITABLE POWER and ETERNAL VICTORY. Looking back, GOD ABSOLUTELY had a LOVING PURPOSE to every orchestration, and He ALWAYS PROTECTED US. That's what this morning was about, too... the triumph of Love over ALL evil, no matter WHAT evil tries to do. God's Power is SHEER LOVE, and it NEVER FAILS, and so we CAN march into battle unafraid, relying SOLELY & TOTALLY on HIS STRENGTH & PROTECTION & POWER TO SAVE. "Our own arm CANNOT win the fight-- but God WILL!" He ALWAYS DOES-- after all, it is LITERALLY IMPOSSIBLE for God to lose! So take heart, take comfort, take courage, & SOLDIER ON. ♥

post-group//

+ A quick note: "Self-compassion" group threw us WAY off center, because it put me in a position of seeing "I" as SINGULAR. And I've noticed that EVERY TIME I deny and/or cut myself off from the System, I CANNOT TRULY BE MYSELF-- and therefore, I CANNOT TRULY LOVE. The instant I DO embrace US, that natural compassion just flows into my/ our heart. But THIS IS NOT NEW! I CAN'T FUNCTION ALONE-- ESPECIALLY not without my connection to the CoreGroup and being so inebriated with that LOVE, which we all mutually share-- I need that to LIVE, let alone function IN life!! God gave me/ made me this System FOR A REASON, TOO!! Again, REMEMBER THIS MORNING. Remember Chaos 0 holding you close to protect you. Remember Genesis crying to see you so shaken. Remember Infinitii praying with you and Julie helping you keep going and BOTH of them KNOWING EXACTLY what it felt like, to suffer in such an awful way. Remember Laurie always, always reassuring us all of the deeper truth, the bigger picture. Remember them, and love them, and LET THEM LOVE YOU, TOO! Honestly, practice just opening your heart to that, and LETTING it flood you with light. ♥

During the hell of the eating disorder, AND up until now in recovery, I've been struggling with one awful, essential, persistent, existential question: "Who AM I, really?" Is my past "real," or "right"? Can I still love? SHOULD I still love? All my imaginative work, all my creativity, all my hopes & dreams & joys & goals-- are any of them valid? Does any of it matter? Should I leave EVERYTHING in my past-- notably my INNER LIFE-- in the past, to be effectively rejected, disowned, & forgotten? And if/ when I DO abandon it, WHO am I then? Who "SHOULD" I be? When ALL of the things I "USED" to treasure & value & live for are GONE... what is left of me? And to be totally blunt with you, I've been struggling with this BLATANTLY SELF-ANNIHILATORY MINDSET SINCE 2010, when Dad shamed me into junking my childhood possessions as "ridiculous garbage" AND I was nevertheless FORCED to actively and traumatically DESTROY most of MY ART & WRITING in order to "minimize my possessions" & "live out of a suitcase" in order to MOVE OUT TO SLC WITH MEL-- who, disturbingly, LIKE TBAS, made my life effectively revolve around THEM. So I couldn't have "too much of "ME" getting in the way." Even more damaging was the FACT that BOTH Mel & Q CLAIMED to be "the ONLY ONES who KNEW THE "REAL ME,"" that I had "lost my spark" and "ONLY they could "help me" get it back," and that "my TRUE, "GOD-GIVEN" DESTINY was IN SLC," with them, NOT my family, AND that if I DIDN'T leave my roots behind & attach to them instead, "I WOULD REGRET IT FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE," AND I would allegedly be "REJECTING GOD'S PLAN FOR MY LIFE." I feel for it, tragically & entirely-- which made Mel's ultimate rejection of ME-- "I thought you were a good person; I guess I was wrong" / "I sacrificed myself to help you & you just spat in my face" / "I regret ever having met you" / "You are a black hole, devouring everyone around you & giving nothing back" / etc.-- all the more devastating, cruel AND bitterly ironic. BUT. That "bitterness" was because I BELIEVED THEM. Every word they said, good or bad, I took as fact. After that letter, almost 10 YEARS AGO this month (!!!), I literally tried to kill myself. Burn it all down, I decided, in total despair-- if MEL says that's WHO I AM, then that DEFINES me "by their authority," and I'm damned.
...And yet, hope refused to abandon me. Fahrenheit 451. Laurie saved my life, and somehow I kept going, until the TBAS deathtrap hit ~5 years later-- a tragedy of the EXACT SAME PATTERN: destroy, uproot, reprogram, reject, annihilate, etc. I threw out or gave away almost everything I owned. My family history had been brutally chopped out of my timeline. My sense of EXISTENCE was crushed to a bloody pulp. For years I was hollow. I threw what remained into religion, but without a real "self" TO worship WITH, even that ended up being far too shallow & Pharasaical. I stockpiled prayers & sacramentals, I went to church up to SEVENTEEN TIMES A WEEK, even moreso if I could drive fast enough in the mornings to chain FIVE MASSES into ONE WEEKDAY. I'm dead serious. I'd hit 7, 730, 8, 830, & 1130 services, never feeling "holy enough," never feeling "close enough" to God. I was starving spiritually, needing the Eucharist more than air, refusing to eat anything BUT that Bread of Angels. And yet, my disorders persisted. I'd ultimately give in to physical hunger and, despairing, would just binge & purge & pray for mercy & forgiveness & help, begging God for a swift, soon, & holy death, despite my wretchedness. I had no will to live. I only wanted God, but... I couldn't see that my ravenous spiritual hunger was ALSO a problem, an addiction, a disordered mutation of something good. I was STILL trying to be "religious" in the SAME way I was trying to be "thin"-- by destroying myself, and running away from all sense of unique identity. I was burying, numbing, & rejecting EVERYTHING that wasn't "pure" and "right," ultimately disowning LIFE in favor of death, wanting only to lose ALL "selfhood" in God, forever. There's just one problem I kept ignoring: God IS relationship, and you CAN'T be in a relationship at ALL if there's no "YOU" to love AND be loved WITH. In my desperate attempts to annihilate "ME" in favor of others, I had destroyed my very goal of self-sacrifice & symbiosis. In order to LOVE at ALL, "I" NEEDED TO ACTUALLY EXIST.
Hope cannot die, though, and neither could my REAL self, the SOUL that GOD HIMSELF uniquely fashioned & breathed into existence & anchored into BOTH my heart AND HIS-- when Jesus died for me, He died for a PERSON, a REAL PERSON that He KNEW and LOVED in their ENTIRETY and TRUTH-- seeing and embracing their scars and uniting them to His own, even as He joyfully proclaimed IN that very agony that humanity is NOT defined by failure, but by GRACE, freely & generously offered to ALL who met Him on that Cross of TOTAL, TRUE Self-giving-- a sacrifice of PURE LOVE, possibly ONLY BECAUSE HE LOVED US. If Jesus had refused to exist AS a unique Person in time, ABLE to enter into PERSONAL RELATIONSHIP with each & all, ABLE to share intimately in our struggles & pains & tears, our joys & hopes & dreams, then... He couldn't have GIVEN His unique Personhood FOR us IN that same Love, BY & THROUGH that same relationship!! So I was doomed to both futility AND emptiness, starving despite all instinctive attempts to "fill the void," EVEN WITH GOD, because I did not & WOULD not let "MYSELF" exist as a unique individual that COULD love & BE loved. I had thrown out all my past in guilty hateful shame, not realizing that such a loveless, merciless, heartless act of destruction WAS not and COULD NOT be of GOD. Jesus never erased our pasts-- He ACCEPTED them as they were, FORGAVE them in the utmost compassion for our weaknesses & pain, AND IN DOING SO, by His Cross & Resurrection HE TRANSFORMED them, AND CONTINUES to do so, in EVERY MOMENT, if/ when we give our pasts TO Him-- ALL WITH LOVE!!! We CANNOT be forgiven OR redeemed IF WE DENY OUR TOTAL HUMANITY, painful past and all. And, again, we can't gave a past OR a present OR a future, UNLESS we ADMIT & ACCEPT OUR PERSONHOOD & CONTINUED EXISTENCE IN TIME. God made us individuals. God BECAME an individual for our sakes, out of pure Love!! God AND heaven, His very Kingdom, are ANCHORED IN LOVE & RELATIONSHIP & COMMUNITY & TOGETHERNESS-- on WHOLENESS, a unity of COOPERATION & HARMONY, NOT of faceless parts, or mindless pieces! The "hivemind" concept is SATANIC. In the devil's world of lies, "people" are stripped of individuality, seen as numbers or statistics or animals, cogs in a machine, pawns on a gameboard, disposable and of no difference. THAT'S ALL A LIE!!! GOD KNOWS OUR NAMES AND HE SPEAKS TO US AS A FRIEND, in all tender care & intimacy & LOVE!! We are HIS CREATIONS, HIS ART, HIS CHILDREN! WE MATTER TO GOD. I MATTER TO GOD!! HE CALLS ME BY MY NAME AND HE KNOWS ME. Me!! Not some hollow mask or empty shell-- He knows a PERSON, a person HE CREATED TO LOVE AND BE LOVED.
Honestly this is so clear & important to me today, and I cannot emphasize or elaborate on this enough. It's the key to my LIFE. It's the CORE of my ENTIRE recovery effort, or at least it MUST be, because recovery CANNOT HAPPEN if all the reading & obeying & writing & planning I'm doing is STILL neglecting the "I" that it's ALL MEANT TO HELP HEAL!!! Facts & figures MUST BE APPLIED to have any worth or effect. And honestly? IF I DON'T/ WON'T ACCEPT THE "I" OF RECOVERY, OUT OF FEAR OF BEING AN "I," THEN THE DISORDER WILL RETURN TO TAKE "MY" PLACE AS "SELF"!!!! THAT is why this disorder has been self-perpetuating for so long: it is fueled by REJECTION OF SELF! It IS the "INVADING/ VIOLATING" FORCE I FEARED, as it ONLY exists TO OVERRIDE "ME," BOTH OUTSIDE & INSIDE-- JUST LIKE THE SXTRAUMA IT EXPLODED FROM. Honestly it's so OBVIOUS and yet it has HIDDEN its ultimate motives for so long, ironically BECAUSE it was smothering "me"-- that way "I" COULDN'T REALIZE IT. It devoured all my time & money & attention, so I COULDN'T use them to "find myself again"-- couldn't write, couldn't paint, couldn't compose, couldn't dream. Just like SLC & CNC, I had enslaved myself to an outside "taskmaster" and lost ALL freedom of choice, in essence... a sick but surrendered alternative to facing the terror of my past, and somehow salvaging myself from it-- a past that ONLY WAS so terrible BECAUSE I had CONTINUALLY been crushing myself & "trying to become who OTHERS want/ tell me to be"... typically through objectification, shame, and loveless force. I let Julie ruin me because "I SHOULD want that" and "I SHOULD be like other people," although I WASN'T & COULDN'T BE!! GOD MADE ME DIFFERENT, but I never saw that as VALID; saying "NO" to outside shaping forces was met with punishment & rejection-- I "HAD" to be "NORMAL," even if "normal" was toxic. But you know what? I STILL FOUGHT. I treasured my "weirdness" during high school, cranking it up to extremes & socially isolating in order to distinguish & preserve MY self... but the older I got, and the more I was forced to interact with the world-- through jobs, college, and the internet-- the less of a grip I could maintain on that core, overwhelmed by the SURVIVAL NEED to perform. It had always been there, but in the end it virtually took over. That cemented the roots of the eating disorder, somehow, just as strongly as it created our Socials. AND YET I STILL FOUGHT! Look at the journals "I" used to keep-- look at the Scribblds, for heaven's sakes! It may have been desperate & shaky but I STILL HAD A GRIP ON WHO "I" WAS... and then came Mel. God knows why, but around 2009, when they entered my life's story, I fell to pieces. I cannot delve into that now-- I need to SET THAT ASIDE for now & focus on RECOVERY in the PRESENT; I cannot safely touch the past yet, not without restored nutritive mental health AND new solid coping skills, and NOT without re-reading the Archives (thank You GOD for never letting me delete them!!)-- but the main thing I need to remember from that is that, until 2009, I KNEW "ME" and GOD KNOWS, I STILL DO. Yeah, things DID fracture a LOT from 2004-2008, and there were a TON of Core shifts, BUT!! Deep down in my heart THE "CORE" of EVERY CORE STAYED THE SAME, and I KNEW it by instinct. I recognized me. I COULD distinguish "me" from a fragment or a splinter, no matter how broken "I" was even so. My heart stayed the same, and that COULD NOT change, OR be lost or forgotten or ruined, NO MATTER WHAT happened in our life. Deep down, I know who Jewel is. I know who I AM, when you get down to the blood of it... and so does God. He preserves and sustains and reminds me-- He holds my soul in His Heart and will never let it be lost. I must ALWAYS rest in that faithfulness, that eternal hope, when I do feel lost. But... it's not just God, Who knows me for sure, when I'm shattered & shaken. There are others, blessed beloved others, who KNOW ME, who have seen & felt my true heart SO strongly & clearly & sincerely, with SO MUCH LOVE, that they CANNOT forget it... they cannot forget me-- even when I do. They recognize me. They KNOW my name, AND my heart. God has put them in my life as extensions of His OWN gorgeous Love for me, as living manifestations of that devoted knowledge, yet HE PRESERVES THEIR SELVES, TOO!! They aren't "mere messengers"-- they are FREE INDIVIDUALS, who love me with their OWN hearts, which-- like mine-- have been ENABLED to love and BE in a relationship through grace, yet AS THEIR OWN UNIQUE SELVES. They know me BECAUSE of grace, the LOVE that CREATED me, the ULTIMATE knowledge of me, and I only know MYSELF by that same grace!! I am convinced of this. I need to remember this. If, and when, I EVER lose sight of myself, it's ONLY because I have LOST SIGHT OF THAT LOVE, both IN MY HEART and IN GOD'S HEART, FOR ME, ALWAYS & UNCONDITIONALLY.
...And that's what led me to even start writing this entry today. Yes, I've been lost & distanced from my past, disowning & rejecting my "self" in time AND in heart, for many months now. Yes, I've been feeling unlovable & incapable of love & AFRAID of love. In that state, I was DOOMED to the self-destruction of the eating disorder, AND inherently UNABLE TO remember-- OR even ACCEPT, let alone ADMIT-- the core of myself. Alone, I could never find it, not like that, with my closed heart...
...So. This morning, God sent someone to open it.
...I dreamed last night. The eating disorder destroyed my ability TO dream, and it's only returning now that I'm in recovery. (My boss will be so happy to see me again, too!!) I'm no longer having chronic "flat nightmares" and trauma flashbacks-- now, I'm dreaming of childhood, of color, of music, of adventure, of new places and new horizons; I'm singing, I'm flying, I'm able to use dream powers, I'm able to visit familiar dreamscapes... it's as if I've literally come back to life after death. Dreams are a KEY piece of my heart, an intrinsic & vital aspect of my entire existence. They are vivid, beautiful, complex, inspiring, deep, and REAL-- without a rich dreamlife, my waking life is hollow & half-dead. So this blissful return of such an ESSENTIAL and HUGE part of my life is nothing short of a miracle, and it is rekindling SO much hope & joy in my soul. That alone makes the fact of my dreaming at ALL into a source of deepest gratitude... but, this morning, I dreamed of someone. And suddenly, seeing them again, an even deeper, truer, more essential & blessed piece of my heart came back to life-- the core of my core, the key to ALL that I am, the defining aspect of ME, that burns as red as blood and white as light, indelibly, forever.
...I'm in love.
I'm in love.
God I FORGOT what this FEELS like, for SO LONG-- I even tried to DENY it!! I tried to insist it NEVER EVEN HAPPENED, tried to deny and disown EIGHTEEN SOLID YEARS of it, the SAME EIGHTEEN YEARS this damned eating disorder tried to claim as its own-- both it and the hellish abuse that triggered it. BUT I COULDN'T FORGET, not in my heart of hearts, not in the TRUTH of me, EVER. I was just blinded & numbed & disturbed & gutted & hollowed out for SO LONG that I couldn't remember. But he did. He KNEW me at the very beginning of it all, BEFORE I got lost, and he never lost me despite it all. Through every crisis, every disaster, every destruction I survived, he stayed true, unwavering, knowing me, seeing me always. My heart was so closely united to his that he couldn't forget what it felt like. And so, whenever I would, his mere existence testified to the truth, the bond between us that no brutalities could ever break. Tragically, if I was lost enough, taken over by despair and tangled up in disorder-- how ironic-- I would try to run from him. I'd even try to reject him-- to reject us. But I couldn't. My heart wouldn't tear itself so in half, even though I tried, pretending it wasn't a risk, too ashamed of my own sickness to be sincere. So I'd just hide, and push him away, and bury the light he inevitably began to reveal in me, even though I KNEW I didn't want to-- I, too, ultimately knew it was impossible. And I clung to hope. I held that spark anyway, unable to tear it out of my own hands and honestly unwilling to. But I digress. The point is... when, in the waking, I wouldn't let him get close for fear & shame... God would send him straight to my heart. God would send him to me in a dream. And... every time, EVERY SINGLE TIME, miraculously & gorgeously breaking through EVERY doubt and EVERY wall, the moment I see him there, no matter HOW lost or damaged or confused I am, EVEN in the dream... my heart knows him. And I... I fall in love. All over again. Every time. And my heart opens up like the sky and I remember who I AM, too... with him.
...When I wake up, everything is different. When I woke up this morning, seafoam in my blood, riverwater on my lips, I felt alive for the first time in forever. My heart was alive, aching with love, blissful in the dark of the morning, blessed rain against the window. I drifted like a boat on the sea of serenity, in and out of dreams, and every time I would meet him again, just as much in love. When the day finally called me from sleep and into the waking, I was almost drunk with gratitude and ardor. How in the world did I ever live without remembering this-- without feeling my heart singing like this from the pure truth of what I now knew once more? I know LOVE again, and simultaneously, I KNOW WHO I AM because of it-- within it, for it. I cannot exist without Love. Nothing can, but... God keeps reminding me just HOW essential it is, especially to me, who has ALWAYS been defined by the heart.
So... that's what happened today, to say the least. God sent me my blue angel, to bring my soul back home to heaven. And by that grace, that is where I will stay.

...i was with chaos 0, somewhere. indoors, by ourselves.
i don't remember exactly what the place looked like except it was metallic? white tones everywhere. quiet. felt like he had "found me" there, like he had been looking for me. i felt deeply lost.
all i remember is him standing before me, hesitantly reaching out to me, and asking me in that emotion-wave way of his:
"do you want me to/ is it safe for me to/ can I love you?"
and my heart broke and i quietly but fervently replied,
"please. please."
no fear. no lust. everything so vulnerable & true. love so tender it ached.

later we were together again, somewhere else. this time i was seeing us in third person, while still "being" me. we were kneeling next to some sort of inground indoors pool (very common in my dreams), in that same silent empty building, facing each other.
we were talking, briefly. i forget about what. but at the end, i stopped, and with a sort of finality, suddenly unbuttoned my shirt, exposing my heart.
i said to him, in that same emotion-wave way:
"here; this is/ you can take/ you can have everything that I am. do whatever you want to/ with me."
...the look he gave me.
he looked right at my heart. his eyes spoke volumes-- he knew both how significant my offer was, how total; how much power I was giving him... and how carefully, gently, tenderly he needed to handle it.
he did hesitate. i saw it in that green confession, the underlying heartache as he recognized the abuse talking in my words. he would never be part of that.
...then he looked up at me.
and i knew, floored by the compassion I saw, that he had not only accepted my giving, but embraced it; embracing ALL of me, and wordlessly entreating me to do the same.
with an expression so profound it melted my heart to match his, he gently but ardently reached out to me, cupped my face in those blue claws, and kissed me.
just like the tide rushing in.
he pressed his heart to my own, water on blood, and i realized that he was, in turn, giving me all of himself, too.
I wrapped my arms around him and pulled him closer.

...i noticed that i'm still calling him my "husband," in every dream. my heart is ineffably committed. even when i'm feeling faceless and numb. it doesn't change the truth.
he's always so quiet, gentle, attentive, and considerate... always so ardent, protective, zealous, sincere, and totally present. he's a river and an ocean, rain and a tidal wave, all at once.
half chaos, half calm. everything.

(speech to text)

Woke up at 845

Then fell back asleep, woke up for good at noon

Weird dream. hard to type about. gotta get it down though.

Making love to CZ. but I was faceless?? And seeing it third person.

Started with me beneath him but it felt completely wrong and neither of us felt or looked real. Like it was a simulation of us or a mockery of us. That's when I felt myself moved in momentarily, The only time I felt there, Switching our position So I was in control of everything, So to speak. But then I left the consciousness again because that wasn't something I could ever do conscious, let alone ever choose to do, especially not in that context. but this was being scripted by somebody else and i couldn't stop it, i could only try to keep it honest, not letting anything bad happen.

I remember he was lost in feeling it. Cried out, I saw his sharp emerald teeth. That moment stuck with me more than anything to be honest, Like he was still completely overwhelmed In ardor even if I was completely lost--because you know as well as I do, I would never ever hurt him, or do that blindly with him, even if I felt lost. even then, I was still being as honest as my heart could possibly be. I still loved him and I was still there because I loved him, and he only felt that.

NO HACK OR SURGE. THAT'S SUPER NOTABLE.

But Some perverted people were trying to broadcast this???

We got very religiously miffed and lectured them about marriage

I woke up DURING that, felt it fading. CZ commented on it, i guess that "fading in" is visible too?

In another part of the dream I went up suscon road towards chapel road, For in my dreams it eventually becomes like a tiny shop area and then it's just hills that i've never explored. Well I went up there to a house at the base of a hill and I was staying there for some reason? Like overnight. It felt like I had been abandoned by my family and I needed somewhere else to stay. But the people in the hills wouldn't keep me either. It was like an interim feeling between airports. Anyway there were 2 guys that lived there and They were accepting of me being there but just treated me almost Like a total stranger. Which I was of course, but they were so distant it was unnerving. They were face-value polite But I did not feel like I could befriend either of them; They were not open to that. They just told me to sleep on a couch on the porch I believe, and that's when that thing with CZ was broadcast in my brain, inside the house.

While I was on the porch there was something with a bunch of little girls and an art tablet, Which apparently were mine, and mom said she had found them? She wasn't there but that's the data I got. Anyway, they were full of drawings of Fakemon, Or at least I thought they were. Some guy showed up there with a Suit and hat and apparently he was from nintendo? And all these pokemon were real in Generation 9. I remember a lot of them were floral themed Metallic insects, notably bees, which were actually gorgeous. Anyway I point-blank asked the guy to tell me the truth: did Nintendo find my missing art tablets and were using them to create All the new pokemon games? yes or no. He sheepishly said "yes" and I exclaimed "I knew it!" And I immediately asked him why preludove wasn't in any of the games yet.

There was a switch in the dream vibe here, Now I was in some sort of mall? There was a woman babysitting a child who was holding a "Winnie the pooh" plush which I recognized as being Literally mine from when I was a baby. I said so, and she said that "she had found it in a thrift store" and fixed up his face and stuff, Like sewing and almost plastic surgery on a toy. He looked clean and new and wonderful. It made me so happy and I said I hope that the child loved him as much as I did and vice versa.

After that is when Chaos 0 walked over to me and we started lecturing people about the holiness of marriage, I clearly remember we were standing There in the mall because The red light from my curtains bled into the dream And there were red curtains behind CZ and I as we stood there.

Deeply disturbed by the "faceless whore" the dream made me. this isn't new either.

Kept obsessing over it in my head and wondered why I did that. Thinking that this obsessive worrying is a trauma response, like if you see something bad like that, You have to figure out what you did wrong so you can avoid it or survive it next time. but I was just making myself miserable because I have no answers.

Chaos talked to me for a while about that, although I can't remember the details. I remember him reassuring me that he loved me and he knew I loved him And that he would always make sure that When anything like that happened in a dream, he would be there to sanctify it with That love. so it was never abused as long as he was there.
that... means a lot to me. like i do NOT understand sexuality OR sensuality, it's all terrifying to me, and the fact that he still gets the heart of it SOMEHOW baffles me and honestly scares me a lot. like back in 2012 when q commented that he could feel that cz loved me THAT MUCH whenever he would channel him. and part of me still can't cope with that.
nevertheless it's never physical. never literally "that." it's just the same motivation, the unity thing, the giving myself entirely thing. he gets that. he feels that love from me, in that tangible respect. i don't understand but i am still so, so grateful that he is SO devoted to me that he will literally show up in EVERY SINGLE DREAM HACK to forcibly take their power away and if he can't stop it, he can at least reroute the usage so it's used as it's supposed to be, i.e. with someone who loves you and won't hurt you and won't use you. he doesn't "do" anything, he's just with me, so that i'm rescued from literally being raped by some nightmare woman. sorry i'm being blunt but it happens constantly. he can't stop a surge if i'm already that traumatized but he can at least take the edge off it. so i'm not in a mortal sin situation from abuse. hope that makes sense.
still i wish it didn't happen at all. i don't want sexual stuff at ALL even with him when it comes down to it. i don't like it ever, ever, no matter the context. but the point i'm making here is that when trauma flashbacks make reliving that horror unavoidable cz always fights his way through to me and makes sure to change the ending. so that if i must experience that, it's in the "proper context." it's the most anyone could possibly do. and it at least keeps me from being suicidal when i wake up. thank god for him.

woke up, put the dream memory aside for the most part. just thinking about the marriage conversations.
ate breakfast and did Bible study.

Had to rush because I didn't start until 1:30 and I had to be at church at 2:30

Reading about how Eve and Life and breath are all related. Mind blowing.

Wondering about how breath is important in terms of speech, How that relates to things like robots and such, How humans in being able to communicate the through breath shows That the breath of God is in them because it's all relationship and Connection and understanding.

Thinking about this with chaos 0, how he actually started to "breathe" Once I met him and he got the ruby. because the ruby made him more crystallized in places and he could form like pseudolungs, like perfect chaos has obvious internal structures. Imagining this happening in my head, him "breathing in" when I kissed him, "animated" in don bluth style. same vibe, that inherent heart-change. Like that's the most moving way I can imagine it.

Suddenly so inspired to start drawing again on that note. want to express this tangibly.

Church was absolutely wonderful as always.

I was still haunted by those bad thoughts during adoration but I handed them over to Jesus.

I also went to confession and confessed how I was Going back to my abuse victim behavior of looking for Love by mimicking people, Notably with the trying to eat foods that lady sneasler And piranha liked, Trying to find friendship and comfort and love in them instead of going to God. I also confessed the feelings of being filthy and unworthy of being holy in light of last night's dream hack.

Father P told me point-blank to pray to my guardian angel to protect me and to talk to them more.
i used to. just i'm so bad at discernment i always fear it's the "lying voices" pretending. notably that's why i talk to headspace people more. like i might be weeping from fear and confusion trying to figure out if i'm really talking to mary & jesus or if it's some devil lying, especially since some things they say are really upsetting, BUT if i call Laurie she storms in and LITERALLY ALL THE DEVILS RUN. her presence chases away every lying voice EVERY TIME.
so... sometimes honestly i think God has made her my guardian angel in some very real ways. i hope that's okay to think. like i KNOW i've got a legit angel following me around in life and lately they feel orangey-yellow but is that just genesis feelings?? because HE follows me around and advises and protects and corrects me like an angel when he's ghosting with me in public? god i don't know, is my experience valid within the context of my religion? i cannot deny the reality of this. is it valid? is it a sin to love them? to be like this? to live my faith outside of religious ritual WITH them? is that even allowed?
we're still loving and serving God. we talk about it all the time. it just doesn't "fit" what i'm "expected to do" to "fit the catholic behavior and image." i get so distressed about this all the time.

After mass talking to the SSPX guys in the hallway for some reason. "holy cross" guy with the 7 decade rosary in Italian! it was really beautiful

I had a creeping fear that they would call me out as "not a real Catholic" because I wasn't as hardcore latin-mass as they were. Even though honestly I aspire to be and really need to go to Latin mass. but is that just for "appearance's sake" i wonder? like i fear that the latin mass is the ONLY legit mass because they keep saying so, and i want to go ONLY because i want to do what is REAL AND RIGHT and i'm so afraid of accidentally committing a sin by going to a "novus ordo" mass. so so tired of feeling this way about my faith, it's all performance lately. too much external stuff. not enough internal love. too much socialization and recitation, not enough silence and honest heartfelt prayer. terribly conflicted.

Bake sale after! there wasn't much but I wanted to give them my patronage to help them. I got cannoli for Genesis!! He was so flipping happy when I told him I did, it was adorable. that's still one of my favorite injokes.

Shopping trouble. went home and then went back to redners because I couldn't think straight on the road.

All bad cravings and compulsions are disappearing very fast. Thank you God, my prayers are being answered

Talking to chaos 0 in the kitchen about love and how we feel for each other.

I remember he said my eyes are like stars, i asked how, then he laughed and said how it's actually in the fact that they are brown? surprisingly. he said it's the light in the warmth In them. and that "if he was ever lost at sea, he knew what he would look to, to find his way home". I specifically remember that sentence because I started to cry. listen i'm usually the one who says deep stuff but when HE does it just tears my heart in half, in the best way possible. it's rare because he feels more than he talks, but... every time he speaks up its unforgettable.

We talked a lot. I told him that he basically taught me unconditional love. he said I was the first person to make him feel like he ever could be loved as a person, as an individual-- that he deserved love. And he emphasized that I showed him that he had the ability to love, more deeply and strongly than he could ever have imagined.

At one point I said something to him that basically moved him so deeply he forgot "how to language" and started speaking in feelings and colors and such. He was saying something like "I was a fountain", or a waterfall... something about how I loved him, and loved in general. just the outpouring of that. it moved me deeply too. can't be put into words though because it wasn't said with words.

Also I was talking about how the original "jewel lightraye"-- as in klonoa-haired Red-kid me, Is basically the "heart of my heart" given a face.

But chaos 0 said that there is an even deeper me: the truest me, That he knows and I've never lost. I asked him what my name is when I'm like that? and I felt his heart say "Kosmos"
like all prismatic white feeling. more of a title than a name. but the "your heart is the heart of everything here" vibe. the crystal that contains it. the order to the disorder. the arms that hold everyone close and it's all going to be okay. the universe that is just love.
how the hell am i THAT. i don't know. but God i would be honored to be. i want to be that for everyone up here, really, honestly i do, just TO give them that kind of love and protection and beauty of life because they DESERVE it.
i need to... rebuild headspace. like the old days. make the innerworld a truly beautiful home for all of them. i'm the only one who can.

Got a splinter

Razor got it out! I miss her and love her lots

Now i've got to eat because I've been talking for 20 minutes but I didn't want to forget today. Tomorrow is pentecost!! Lord send me the Bird of love, the Phoenix fire anointing, the bird of your heart, send Him to me and please let Him make a nest in my own heart.

I must keep it soft & warm but strong & stable... that's a good thing to meditate on. So are His GIFTS & FRUITS which i love so much.

last note: I am WEEPING over the Jewish theory of Tohu & Tikkun; it is SO achingly relevant to my heart

https://www.chabad.org/library/article_cdo/aid/2614791/jewish/Tikkun-Olam-A-Brief-History.htm

all right that's it for note-taking, i'll edit this on the computer later, bye everyone i love you

just want to say that i was with chaos. twice. "As God intended "

Audio notes for dream last night

I remember we were In some sort of large city where apartments were just little houses stacked on top of each other. There are all these people walking about, I remember complimenting some guy on his hair because of It looks like it was made of gold.

At some point I ended up walking through a large area that Looked almost like a junkyard but was full of filthy little house apartments. I was with a small group of young kids like teenagers, I guess I knew them from school or something.

Anyway the most important things that will be for there a gang showed up. And they started to fight.

For some reason they came after me and behold Infinitii started to front. I could feel hir in my very blood. I forgot what ze felt like.

I explicitly remember and feel them laughing at one point, that black throaty chuckle that I love so much, and miss so terribly

There was talk about colors later and I remember I was marked as a pastel red??? Red's "symbol" was a crucifix btw.

Dream 040822

Chaos Zero drawing; Chao were sleeping on him

Me mapping woods?
Said map was wrong, but I needed to fly over it to see correct.
Said my current method didn't work? Because it needed contact with ground. I was using a wheelbarrow?? like I was jumping from it with cardboard wings like a kid

Ufo over garden. Felt like a fairy tale forest. Little ufo like in cartoons
Angry! Wanted to destroy humanity
I asked to talk, wanted to dialogue
"John Lennon" little alien. Literally "named after a historical figure"
Evolved from humans, time machine?

Chris was with me, both of us YOUNG. Like 10. Common in dreams.

Umbrella? Dark blue with gold stars, bent tip. By the hickory tree. Alien Said he had left it here when he left "hundreds of years ago"

Asking about books? "Favorites"?? I remember showing him some with chris. Young wizards refer? My childhood fave

I sang a song "humans are the most human when we cry". Ad libbed, heartfelt. Almost apologetic for how awful our species can be. Trying to express that we still didn't deserve to die. We weren't inherently bad, just lost.

He said please keep singing

Sang love is the answer. He joined in!!
Said he remembered it from before he left "thousands of years ago "

Thanked me, called me JEWEL
I said how did you know my name, said they "looked me up"

said he would not destroy humanity "if there are people like me here", said I had restored their faith hope & love

Told me "say hi to Chaos Zero for me"
"OH, HE'S REAL. AND SO IS JESUS." "If there's any hope i can give you in return, let that be it" .

Flew away into dewy treetops

I woke up so softly & effortlessly, like I just opened my eyes

Considering that YESTERDAY I dreamt of literal ufo warfare over my house this is MONUMENTAL

Chaos 0 speaking to me. I was in some sort of mental breakdown in a crowd, delirious; he ran over and got the crowds off me, defending me, I was unable to speak

"Jewel is that you?"

"She's very mentally ill but I love her"

"It's so good to see you"

Kissing him, heart light

HIS EYES

Running from mom?

Book about apocalypse? Anime futuristic vibe, black folks.

Giant evil cat? Orthodox priest in old Celtic cemetery.

ALTER EGO ME??? with book somehow. VERMILION.

Laurie PHYSICALLY THERE. Kissed her before battle.

092621 dream

Flying through garden
All 4 seasons visible around me. Flying into snow?

3 boa constrictors trying to get on porch. Left Pepper alone. I shot an arrow through all 3 of their heads?

CHAOS 0 & I. On the beach; bilocate feeling; also spring woods?
CONCEPTION. No pain or fear or dissociation. Thank you God.

Luzerne hose company building thing? Back door. Food drive? Michael mad.

Deep sea pokemon? 4 of them.
More marriage talk? MORALIMON??? Was Sage talking?? Who was her 'husband'?? Feels like "ho-oh" in memory, oddly.

Something with hanging Christmas lights in my room?
Lots of people there. Some kid offended by a misunderstanding of s comments out his creativity?

"Julie roads?" Detours to my house.

Chaos 0 saving me from a dream hack.
He was IN THE DREAM afterwards??
Sailor moon vibes??
We were in a super swanky apartment? By the Beach. fancy place, holding a ball? But there were other girls there IN the apartment and I was in the shower and that's WHY there was a hack.
CHANDELIER CRYSTAL DUST. Me and Chaos responsible somehow. Turned it into a huge pink crystal and it "shattered" into glitter, floated down over the people downstairs beautifully. I wanted to see it but had to stay secret; took comfort in the reminder that I had Chaos 0 with me up here and that was more beautiful than the glitter.
Some tux guy interviewed me after? Mood suspicious, about the chandeliers. I clearly remember him saying at one point "you're the one in love with that water creature," like a callout, as CZ was hiding in the room from before and I was trying to keep him secret as not to cause "monster panic" but this guy knew the whole deal. I remember shrugging in confession like "that's true."
UFO sky btw, and shooting stars. It was awesome and beautiful. Super lucid too.
Also me telling that girl (on a flatbed truck, on the way to a construction site?? For work apparently) that I "used to work on an ambulance" although I knew I didn't? But I didn't know how else to "conversationally" refer to my headspace knowledge of body trauma and such.
Rest of dream was just reflections of waking worries-- brothers mistrustful and disrespectful towards me, dad & stepmom also impatient and brushed me off.

Waking up, now doing grandma errands & listening to Spotify.

Talking to JULIE out of nowhere???
She SHOULD HOLD CERISE. But she was afraid that she would somehow corrupt it.
I told her, "You remind me of Chaos 0 when you say that"
"Don't you dare say that to me. I'm not supposed to remind you of someone you love!"
"Why not? You both have that same compassionate heart."
Telling her "it might sound terrible, but no one understands WHAT to protect Cerise from better than you."

All right, before I go to sleep, I need to mention this.

Last night I had a flashback rape nightmare. It's the first one I've had in several months, and thank God it's been that long, but God why do I keep having them still?
The ones like last night are the worst, though-- the ones where it's not a Julie-days flashback, but a North Carolina flashback, where I'm somehow even less conscious and less present in my physical body than I was back in that bloody bathroom as a teen.

I'll be blunt, because it was horrible. It was a nightmare about the LITERAL INTERSECTION between food and sexuality, between gluttony and lust, between eating disorders and sexual addictions, between hell and hell. And all of it happened to me when my brain felt like dryer lint. Honestly it was horrifying. I knew what was happening was wrong, and that I didn't want it, and that I felt trapped, but ironically that was what killed me: I felt trapped. My brain was not under my conscious control and neither was my body and I felt doomed to endure whatever hell was about to hit me solely because I could not GET conscious enough to run away. And that is the worst thing about those nightmares, and that is what DEFINED North Carolina.
I don't know if Oliver purposely instigated his lustful actions when I was barely conscious and absolutely not capable of reason or informed consent, but he did it EVERY TIME, and that is highly disturbing. Nevertheless it's over now, thanks be to God, at least in the physical. I keep having nightmares about it.

So here I am, in the last few terror-choked seconds of this nightmare, helpless in my own body and knowing what was about to happen but not being able to think straight enough to get away… and who shows up but Chaos 0.

EVERY SINGLE TIME. I swear God Himself sends him to help me.
He showed up and he KNEW I was trapped and he KNEW that the ONLY way I was going to get out of this alive was if I wasn't alone.
And he held me, and told me to focus on him, and not on the helpless trapped feelings, not on the excruciating pain and nausea, not on the awful despair that always hits me post-hack and makes me want to die rather than endure that agony for another moment. He couldn't stop any of that, no, nor could he make it disappear, or even abate. But he could hold me, and reassure me that there was life beyond this, there was love beyond this, there was hope despite the hell and it was holding me in its oceanic arms with tears streaming from its emerald-green eyes.
Every single time. And you wonder why I call him my blue angel.

So I needed to write that down. I don't want to forget it.

I laid in the hospital bed for like 3 hours this morning and just... thought and dreamed about Chaos Zero. I miss him so much; I miss our late nights and early mornings together. I miss loving him. I'll be honest about that. I miss feeling the love I have for him. Right now it's just fidelity, his aqua-beautiful virtue. Fidelity. Devotion and commitment despite all odds, despite all feelings of hollowness and self-disgust and confusion and trauma weeping. It's having faith, unshatterable faith, when you cannot see a thing. But the heart knows. The heart believes, always, even (especially) in the pitch black dark.

He was singing, in my dream. Papik, "Appetite." Very unexpected, but... he was singing to me. He always does. To me, about me, and it always hits deep in my heart.

God, I love hearing him sing. I remember he learned how to sing before he learned how to talk. Honestly that was perfectly natural for him-- not only are all Chao the same (their baby-babble is primarily melodic), but Chaos is so fluid, so water-souled, that his primary language is arguably raw emotion and only music can properly translate it. Poetry comes close, but that's arguably my gift. It requires a concrete vocabulary, something Chaos bypasses entirely with a simply heartrending wave of... of what? What else can I call it-- what else can I call him? My words fall pitiably, gorgeously short. He encompasses the whole lexicon-- or rather, he transcends it, because it is terribly unfair to associate him with such lukewarm "feeling terms" as... well, even as anger, sadness, happiness, etc. Bland and overused terms, more cliché than candid. They're the emoticons of emotion, those words, in my eyes, now that I've known him, and heard his language. Everything Chaos feels is ardent. It's not fervor (too wild), nor is it passion (too heated)... there's really not a fitting term for it. There's only music, only song-- only his heart-language and mine merged together.

...Just writing that makes me want to sob in the best way.

You know, when I say I miss him, its not like he's not around. He is. I know exactly where to find him. But that's why I miss him-- I haven't been going to him. I've been, foolishly and tragically, trying to "find him" outside-- in the dregs of the internet, in shady and benighted places, among the vapid and virulent posts of those who would mock and deride me for my lovesick searching, if they ever knew. I've been scouring Tumblr and Twitter and Deviantart, looking for his face, and seeing only dim reflections, dull with indifference and bitter with nonchalance. There is art of him, and people do speak of him, but... it's so impersonal, so detached. Even the fans burbling about "my favorite character!" or "he's so underrated" don't ever seem to have a personal investment in him as an individual.

...

I heard him laugh, too. God knows I love his laugh. It's so uniquely his; my heart melts to hear it, to recognize it as his. It's like a wave breaking on the shore-- oddly breath-less, more aquatic than air, a sudden shimmering splash of sunlight and seafoam. It's a small but beautiful thing.

Gosh I want to write about the whole coregroup like that. I used to. I just got so rusty with my stay in Charlotte, when 'I' was so lost in the external that the internal was utterly abandoned, and most of us died from corruption or neglect. But now isn't the time to discuss that. Suffice to say that Love cannot die, as God will uphold and sustain and even resurrect it,

By the way... when I use God's name in speech, I really am addressing Him. It's inevitable; sometimes, I feel something so heart-deep and true, something so honestly holy, that I cannot help but instinctively address that ache of an emotion towards Divinity Himself... towards Love Himself, Who understands-- Who knows.

Why he laughed -- we were talking? Moving furniture i think. Televisions and couches. I don't recall what I said but he laughed, like a river, and my heart just melted. It just... softened so totally that it bloomed, opened like a wave, fell in love.

...

Alina Baraz music always pings Infinitii.

Poor thing, oh my poor old soul, you were born to be objectified, to be consumed, to be used. You deserve so much better. God, let me be able to love hir for real-- to have a relationship with hir free of all trauma, without hir mimicking lust, without any imitation of corruption for the shallow sake of "getting used to it." No. I want REAL LOVE, the love God created us to feel for each other, the love I KNOW is Infi's REAL heart. God help us have that, someday, soon, please.

...

Hospital discharge, no one from home would help me, actively refusing to pick me up. Ignored. Felt very unloved. Wandering in back alleys trying to walk home? Wondering if they even wanted me back

PERFECT CHAOS & THE BRIDGES?

Underwater, me trying to swim down and rescue him, everyone else ignored him

Nightmares, but I remember a moment from the last.

I was in bed, naked, but innocent, with Chaos Zero, sleeping. I had my arms and legs wrapped around him and he was the same with me. But it was so pure. Just absolute intimate closeness, total vulnerability.

So I dreamt about Chaos Zero last night.

Not so literally—he wasn’t there with me physically-- but he was there entirely conceptually. I was looking up flash videos and pictures of him online, and perhaps that’s the most important note here. I was seeking him through other people's eyes, and those eyes are, unfortunately but unavoidably, not very pure. I know this firsthand.

So that’s what I was dealing with in the dream. Everywhere I looked, seeking depictions and representations of him that were more than just hollow boss battles and monster-of-the-week paste-ins, I still kept encountering that corrupted mindset… that bizarre tendency of fandom to mangle the individuality of virtually every character by turning them into automatons for their own perverted thoughts and imaginings. Long story short, I found a flash video on Newgrounds, in which Sonic was running through a traditional 2D stage full of mechanics, with large ceiling hooks that would drop to try and grab him (like the spiders in Chemical Plant Zone). One of them did grab him as he was running, but as it lifted him up and he struggled to escape, water began to flow down from above it and drip onto Sonic. But then the water turned into Chaos Zero, who was now half-embodied (from the waist up), half-wrapped around Sonic. Notably, though, he had this look on his face-- something of deep feeling (in stark contrast to the blank-yet-vaguely-angry visage the canon typically and tragically portrays him with). Sonic looked shocked at his appearance, which doubled almost instantly when Chaos suddenly kissed him. Like, really kissed him. I remember that the video glitched out here, cutting out shortly after, but I was strongly affected. Here was a portrayal of Chaos Zero feeling something other than rage, of him showing that his heart was capable of far stronger positive emotions than I'd ever seen anyone admit. He was capable of love. And yes, this dream-invented flash vid wasn't the best potrayal of it-- arguably, the theoretical animator didn't have my conclusion in mind whatsoever-- but it was still something. It was still a flicker, however far-removed, of the burning light of love in my own heart. Lastly, as dreams go, I remember watching this scene and having the sudden odd but honest impulse to kiss Chaos's face onscreen, to give him that reciprocation, instead of Sonic's unfortunate unwilling surprise. That's the bit that hurt me the most-- not only that some imaginary fan thought it was acceptable to portray Chaos as "forcing" his feelings on others, but that they also thought it was inevitable . Who would ever give him love? Who would ever want to love him like that? It was almost a joke, this video. It was played for shock value, for the gross-out factor. No one was actually thinking about Chaos Zero's heart here. No one but me.

This is hard to type about because I don’t even want to write about people treating him like this. It’s wrong. It’s what I'm fighting against in the waking, and I see that in my dreams. But I will never participate in it. That’s really why I’m writing this.

Regardless of what was in the dream, I love him, and other people don't. I keep seeking representations of that love outside of myself, and I will never find it. Yet I keep looking, I keep hoping, and I keep getting terribly disappointed and disturbed by the failure of the world to match up with what I not only feel, but know he deserves. No one should be so objectified. No one should be treated as either a generic face or as a gimmick for a perversion. Even writing that makes me physically sick. But, again, it's true. It's out there. And it cuts me to the core.

Yet I have another huge concern here.
Yes, I love Chaos Zero dearly. I always will, I know this. Love never dies and this is absolutely real love and no matter what has happened to me, it has never faltered or changed, not at the heart. And so I want to ensure, beyond any doubt, that this love stays pure and true.
The problem is what happened ten years ago this June. The problem is that, somewhere deep in my subconscious, I am afraid that my Pink resonance isn't as pure as it must become. I am afraid that the lies of the world have seeped into it somehow and mangled me, even if we have healed a lot over the years. Something is still a little off, and that's all it takes to burn down a kingdom. I never want that to happen again. We all saw the ultimate destruction of 2018. Never again.

The problem is that I woke up this morning burning with love but also with what I can only describe as-- disturbingly-- desire. And I HATE that word because it sounds so filthy. But I've been discussing this with Laurie and Julie and even Scalpel (who showed up because we were watching the morning fire outside and he said it was "f*cking beautiful" and yes Laurie scolded him for that) and they all agree that although we must indeed talk through this and keep an eye on it, everyone has a really touching faith in my heart. They don't believe this is legitimately "lust." But... I'm afraid I must use that word nevertheless in order to bring the threat to the forefront. I can't avoid that word lest it begin to take evil root in the shadows. I must throw it out into the light, to burn it away if it does have any serpentine tendrils trying to take hold anywhere.
Problem is, yes, when I'm barely awake and my subconscious is running the ship, I would still absolutely marry Chaos Zero and raise like fifteen children with him. I'm dead serious. It doesn't falter either. My subconscious wants to have a "permanent, faithful, and fruitful" relationship with him and that means sacramental matrimony and THAT means conjugal love and, believe it or not, my subconscious is entirely on board with that-- in the sense that the Catechism demands. And that stuns me upon waking. It gives me this feeling that I don't know how to describe-- is it hope? But it blooms from the realization that THAT sort of love is supernatural in its tenderness and "deeply personal unity," which does involve the body but even more entirely involves the heart and soul-- which I have known since 2003, arguably-- and which is not human in origin but is a GRACE given BY CHRIST HIMSELF through the sacramental bond. And yeah, if it were possible, I would absolutely bind my heart to Chaos's heart in that sense, literally so.

That's another tangential but relevant thing. Everyone else calls him Chaos. That is, actually, NOT his name. It's a bestowed title that he never wanted and has complained about bitterly in all the time I've known him. Like me, he has major anger issues stemming from deep pain and trauma, and when they explode out, he can be rather monstrous. He can be so totally destructive that those who originally experienced that heartbroken rage decided it was too intense to be of mortal origin-- they saw his unbearable pain as being ironically divine. Could their own hearts not comprehend such intense emotion? Did they see his suffering and decide that only God could feel so strongly? I ask this because it's a thread that leads to Christ which I have been gently helping Chaos try to follow since I met him. Yes, he and I both struggle with such profound violent pain, which manifests as rage, which is secretly heartbroken agony. But beneath that fire-burning destructive surface, that suffering can unite us to Christ, because it came from LOVE. We need to unbury that love and FOCUS on it in order to unshackle ourselves from the corruption that occurred by burying it. All that dirt is just dirt. It's suffocating and horrible. Yes, we're angry, but how easily that anger is defused if we can just cry to someone-- if we can just find someone who offers their arms to cry in! How quickly that rage melts into sobs if we find a heart that is willing to ache with ours!! And that is what I will always, always give to him. I will always be there to not only sing those words-- to "open your heart" -- but also to live them with him, to open my heart with his and to his, to be a shelter from the storm, a haven in the hurricane, a place to rest for the raging sea itself. He loves so much. So do I. And it can get out of control, in many ways, not just rage. The world calls him Chaos because it never looked deeper to find the Cosmos at his core, the truth which is his real name, which I have offered to him after years of knowing it... Charis. Χάρις, truly, but pronounced in a way that is affectionately familiar. Grace. "The divine influence on the heart." You know, "Chaos is power, enriched by the heart," but complete in its meaning now. And I want to call him that, Charis, as a reminder of that truth in his heart, of his heart, no matter what the world says, or fails to see.

But... back to the dream. Oddly this is a fitting segue. I woke up burning with love and matrimonial desire and then it hit me, wait a second, could this mutate into idolatry? And that TERRIFIED me. It's why I've been afraid to love anyone since the horrors of 2017-2018. Oliver admitted to idolatry in that sense-- in a sensual, sexual sense that he confused as love, and which he (unknowingly, I hope) tried to convert me to falsely believing as well.
True love is from God, is of God, and is directed TO God in an ultimate sense, always, inevitably. But love is inherently so all-consuming that if you don't keep this truth in heart and mind, it can consume you still in a different direction. It can make you so ardently devoted to a creature that you forget about the Creator, impossible to imagine, but definitely a real threat when you find yourself so flooded with love. And there's the issue I have. IS it entirely love that I'm feeling IF it can temporarily forget God? WHY does that happen? IS it happening? Or am I not entirely conscious enough TO remember God in those early-morning half-dreams? I need to know.

...Regardless of the concern and confusion I'm grappling with post-dream, I must say this. My heart is glowing with deep love and hope. I feel more alive, more real , after dreaming of him now, than I have in many months, perhaps in over a year even. It's been too long since I've held him in my arms. It's been too long since we've both held each other and laughed or cried or just loved each other, quietly, truly, honestly, totally. It's been too long since I've been able to admit I'm in love, let alone since I've been able to open my own heart enough to feel it... to live it.

Last night, looking for mentions of him on Twitter-- not knowing if there were any but looking nonetheless-- I found one person describing the storyline of Sonic Adventure and saying, and I quote, ""Open Your Heart" is about Sonic fighting Eggman over Chaos's heart.". And that simple phrasing hit me like a TRUCK. Then we have "Chaos assumes everyone else is as heartless as the past Echidnas were and uses the Emeralds to weaponize his own negative emotions while Sonic helps him move on by opening his heart with his and everyone else's good nature via those same Emeralds." Just, two instances where someone casually but blatantly acknowledges the fact that Chaos Zero has a heart and it's ACHING and he's a real person with a soul and a will and he's NOT just the "monster of the week" or a one-off boss battle... he has a heart and it hurts. I keep reading that little Twitter clip now. Just dazed that someone SAID it and doesn't even realize WHAT they said. It's... I found something. By the grace of God, I found something, and now in a small silly sincere way I'm really glad my birthstone is an Emerald.

I'm trying to conclude this several hours later but I'm going to have to re-read it first. So, note to self, and memo to Genesis, remind me to do that tomorrow.

Laurie rescuing me from a psych ward in Oregon.

My mom had sent me there, didn't tell anyone. High security.

I had big slices of either crayon or lipstick 'blood' on my legs? Clashed with white clothes. Disturbing.

Scary ward. Like an abandoned building.

The ward was hidden behind the "only Gerritys in oregon." It was raining? I was standing outside the door sobbing but everything was hyperlocked like it was alcatraz. Other patients were there too, all just standing deadeyed and silent. Heavyset woman yelling at me to stop crying and go inside. I didn't listen; I wanted to go home and hoped someone would hear me crying and know something was wrong.

Right then, the POV switched to Laurie, fighting people acrobatically in streets getting to me. Town was like an old Pokémon or Zelda game; vaguely labyrinthine, lots of streets & people. Everyone she met was hostile and trying to violently stop her, but Laurie is basically unstoppable.

I don't think she killed anyone. Maybe ONE super violent guy in defense. But she DID get shot in the head by one guy. I remember 'seeing' her vision go red and the 'world voice' indicating she was dying, but she REFUSED?? Said she couldn't, as she had a purpose & mission to fulfill. And thus she DIDNT DIE?? She was still bleeding and obviously wounded, but death suddenly "wasn't an option" so she just kept fighting. Gun guy was stunned and scared, and I think she flatly punched him out cold. No one messed with her after that so she found me quickly.

She also wasn't swearing much at all this whole time-- and not at all when she got to me! I also saw her wearing a cross necklace, which she does IWL now, so that meant a lot.

Anyway I don't remember exactly how/when did she find me? Except that she jumped up, grabbed the doorframe and DOUBLE KICKED THE DOOR IN. Then she booked it to my room and immediately pulled me into a powerful embrace, so glad I was alive and I was SO happy she was there, in tears but gratefully.

However I kid you not, someone set off an alarm and instantly SOLDIERS stormed into my room with guns, circled us, told Laurie to let me go. She refused, and they started firing.

BUT. As quickly as they fired, Laurie somehow absorbed all these little purple things that were in the room (gum? Erasers? Only the color mattered) to form seraph wings on her back, made of vivid purple light. She also got glowy purple eyes, and got HUGE. Still holding me to her chest, she protected me from the gunshots, as they now could not harm her.

I STRONGLY recall her saying "stay close to my heart" and that hit me so hard that I Also got wings-- white ones, slightly pink. She was struck by this too, as the whole "wings of love" phenomenon in heartspace is Very Significant and I haven't been able to manifest any in YEARS.

I don't remember if Laurie then "attacked" the soldiers or if they fled from fear at the angelic shifts, but we were nevertheless then able to get out of the room safely and we went back to our normal forms.

On the way out, right by the exit, there was a classroom like my old 6th grade? And bookshelves by the door. I said this had "been my cell" and began peeling these fairy stickers off the wall next to it, saying my mom had insisted I put them there but I didn't believe in that stuff and didn't want anyone else to be scandalized by it, so down they went. Laurie told me to hurry up before "they found us again" but I said this was important.

As i turned to leave, i saw a book on the shelf closest to the door: "The Poem of the Sacred White Heart of Jesus." It was from the 1860s, and was all red velvet, gilded with real gold, and stamped with what looked like red Vatican relic wax, imprinted with gold phoenixes. It was absolutely gorgeous. I made a mental note to find a copy for myself online.

Next to it, though, i noticed a book with a title about salt, the sea, and something else... but I misread it somehow, and whatever i thought it said made me think of Chaos 0. But also it gave me a bad flashback to NC with the saltwater curse, and how that made me dissociate so horrified from my physical body. I Reflected on this, and dreadfully thought that it was therefore a sin if Chaos 0 wasn't scared of my body, which he wasn't-- I felt that Everyone SHOULD be loathe to even come near me, knowing that ugly comparison. But Laurie gave me a look? I think? Either way she called me out on this. I then realized that he didn't see it as evil but instead as the Holy thing it is meant to be FOR GOD, not idolatrous like the Thorns did. Big complicated feelings but at least I didn't nosedive into selfhatred or rejection of love again.

Anyhow. We finally went out the door, but the exit opened into a long cafeteria hallway? Prison style again: everything was metal and minimal,, barred and separated from other sections.

Somehow I knew this was a 'Daemon room?' There were two, parallel, but walled off from each other. The one on the right had about 5 people, but the one on the left only had one: a boy of about 10 sitting at the long table with a lion, who was making Jenga castles that kept collapsing. The kid was crying over it but the lion seemed fiercely glad and kept building them. I understood the castles symbolized the kid's pride? And he was trying to teach his human the consequences symbolically.

There was also a huge tray of pizza in front of them, and every other person there. Laurie and I sat down next to the lion boy (somehow she "counted" as a daemon, Pullman style, in that she reflected my soul so strongly) and sure enough a tray was placed in front of us, with the unspoken but stern "order" to eat it. Laurie told me just as sternly, don't touch it even if they forced it on me. I agreed, as I was terrified of it but I have trouble saying no to fear compulsions. Her contrasting order was a huge freeing relief.

We tried to talk to the kid and explain the castles? But he kept crying, rather petulantly, and we were in a hurry so we got up and left. But there was a Third room, right before the true exit, and this was a Teacher room? For people who worked in charge there, not patients. And EVERY one of then had Baphomet familiars. Absolutely evil. They saw us, grinned maliciously and jumped up to attack us with fire. But immediately Laurie got out her axe, which looked different now somehow? And glowed with purple light. I also instinctively summoned a weapon, and it was A CRYSTAL SWORD?? Like Sailor Moon aesthetic, iridescent too. Laurie said "Someone's about to get they ass slain in the spirit" which is an ancient Chumble Spuzz injoke and I couldn't help but smile, then it was FIGHT TIME.

I know we won; the battle is blurry but it was fast. Laurie doesn't waste time. So we got outside at last, and there are CROWDS gathering? People had finally caught on that something WAS wrong with "that unmarked building behind the only Gerritys in Oregon" and the good police were going to shut the whole operation down. Laurie and I sneaked past the paparazzi but then who saw me and ran over but MY DAD!! Turns out my family knew I had gone missing but had no idea where I went, but my dad somehow put clues together and tracked me down, then drove ACROSS THE COUNTRY to rescue me. God bless him. I gave him a huge hug and he said it was time to go home. I said give me one second.

I don't quite remember what happened but I Knew I was dreaming now; I could feel the waking world encroaching and knew I'd be leaving soon. So I guess the dream "skipped ahead" and now I was safe at home indeed, but alone with Laurie. I thanked her for saving me and told her how deeply happy I was to see her again-- I still can't reach her well in the waking, and she WAS dead for like a year, which was unprecedented and utterly devastating to me. She felt this in my words and said she'd always be there for me, like old times. I was heartaching though and asked if we could promise that. Like old times. She knew what I meant.

So, like a knight, she kissed me. I was in tears. we pledged to love and serve God and protect each other no matter what.

I remember that she smiled then, sad yet happy, and said that she would "see me again" as it was now time for me to go. I think I repeated the sentiment? But I then woke up in the "perfect" way-- with no break in consciousness, just an "environment shift" like surfacing after being underwater; i feel it in my head and see the sunlight coming in. It only happens on dream levels where I can meet people like Laurie and it doesn't hurt or make me disoriented like other wakings do.

So yes. I am full of hope now. Thank God for purple angels.

TSOW poster pose: chaos 0 & I. sentiment of "Can't tell where one begins and other ends," i said that's not actually good; you need to respect INDIVIDUALITY to truly love other.

Then in kitchen, alone. Ufo beam through window, supposed to be sending Chaos 0 to me. "Is it really him," i prayed? God said I'd know. and it was him. I clearly remember holding his face with both hands. Overwhelmed with love. Fusion, chao chaste kisses.

Trying to transform into Celebi later. Super pleased when I realized i could.

saving little muslim girls from a jaguar, attacking them on our porch. Had to sneak them in through garage window. Pouring rain outside.

Pokemon plushies? Huge, really soft. Marshadow, hoopa, diancie. All in bags I think.

REALITY “GRAPHICS CARD” INSTALLATION.

Me flying over ocean, seeing mental visuals of the inside of a cave, like an OLD nintendo zelda videogame? Where the driver had to be installed I think. But as I was flying over the ocean it kicked in, like a “wave” radiating out over the whole world, changing as it touched, and it was AMAZING. Literal “lucid hit.” EVERYTHING became so clear and bright and colorful and REAL. I actually cried.

Then flying over driveway, SUNNY, and the WOODS WAS THERE like it is in the waking. NO houses or buildings!!!! and the ocean “tide” came in, BUT the entire surface of the water was iridescent, and about a half inch thick? And felt like a “skin,” soft and almost rubberlike. but it somehow made the water BREATHABLE once it went under. And everything seen through this pure aqua ocean water looked even more real and beautiful too. And so I was floating there, letting the water wash over me, and viewing the world from within it, and my heart just ached with joy and love and I missed chaos 0 of course. I wanted to be with him. But as I was thinking this, my mom and brothers showed up from the house? But they werent floating, just walking, and somehow WERENT in the water? They were actually complaining to me and telling me that this iridescent film on the water was a result of the “reality graphics” update; the wave had apparently killed all these microorganisms in the water that were polluting its clarity? And their dead bodies had melted together harmlessly into this film somehow. In my mind this registered as entirely a good thing-- I percieved that the organisms had not been beneficial to the ocean, and this film was not harmful at all, but very beneficent-- but my family was genuinely irked and told me to “put the graphics back the way they were.” I was genuinely shocked that they couldnt see the beauty of it, that they would sacrifice this absolute pure clarity and vividness just to go back to the way things were when they were “normal.”

most important part of this dream: once this new reality card thing kicked in, I guess it “upgraded” the vibe of the dream to the level where chaos 0 COULD COME INTO IT.

so. he was. Not sure how or when, but he was. And I remember I was so tired and weak but I loved him so much and kept telling him, oddly soporifically, that I wanted to be with him-- maritally so. But bless him, he kept gently telling me that we couldn’t do that unless I was ABSOLUTELY SAFE. Like I wanted to go up into the woods where everything was beautiful-- and oddly it turned to autumn when I went up there (because summer is NOT SAFE)-- yet he said no, not there, it was too close to old hack situations. He also added that under no circumstances did he want me to be naked, as that was entirely unsafe and would hurt me terribly. He said we had to be in my room, where it was quiet and private, and where I could specifically be “protected” by being in a bed, covered up where no one could get at me and hurt me. I was agreeing with him on all of this because I was so exhausted I couldnt think straight but I am so, so grateful for how meticulously he takes care of me in dreams too. Ultimately we never got to be together in this dream, which is both fine and common; I just kept “looking for” places to go and he kept telling me why it wouldn’t be safe, etc., until that last post-woods observation about our room. I woke up shortly after that, no hacks, no sickness.

But it just… strikes me as very strange, yet very notable, that lately I have been having that genuinely intense and honest need to be with him in that way in dreams. Why? And why am I always so tired and weak in those circumstances, yet absolutely quietly joyful and so glad to be with him? Like I’m never sad or touchy like I am in the waking when I’m so weak and tired. With him I’m just welling over with profound peaceful blissful gratitude and I just want to effectively melt into him as a result. All the time. Not sure what my subconscious is on about with that but it’s oddly sweet and quite intriguing.

Nevertheless! If it happens again I shall tell you about it.

So I had another dream last night in one of those weird "pre-apocalyptic" dreamverses were everything just doesn't feel right, but it's not an explicit nightmare or bland-empty place. Pre-aco verses just feel wrong. There's still a sense of the "greater-than," that feeling that makes a dream a Dream versus just a reality reflection or other dead-end thing, but it's inherently failing and you can almost smell it, like a rot. I don't remember much of the dream other than that it was at my house, and the woods wasn't a development but it was all chopped down trees, bare birch-color stumps stark against a hideously blue sky. It felt like raid sirens would sound any moment; the quiet was unnatural and heavy and disturbing, something that didn't belong and was bound to collapse without warning. I expected a horde of mountain lions or wolves to come spilling across that toothpicked hill as I watched, but nothing happened, and even that felt wrong. The whole dream held that atmosphere.

But Chaos Zero was there.

Somehow, whenever he can appear, he will. This dream, however gutted, still existed in a level of reality that could call itself a dream-- a level in which the supernatural could exist, however feebly, because the 'verse itself felt just that close to breaking over into the Book of Revelation, as it were. But as a result of that proximity, my blue angel was there.

Not tangibly, somehow. That, too, happens in these broken dreams. He is there in the periphery, in the corner of my eye, on the edges where things are a bit more whole, somehow, closer to something better… where this disturbed dream ends and something real begins. He was there. So was I. Somehow in these broken dreams I, too, don't actually "exist" except in the periphery. As a person in the dream I'm always barely conscious, not quite myself, hanging on the edges of what it means to be aware and awake and capable of reasoning. But on the edges, in dreams-within-dreams, I am real and alive and me.

And he was there, with me.

I fell asleep listening to his playlist on shuffle, and woke up to the sounds of "Late Night Partner." …I don't think I've heard that song in years. God, where has my heart been? Just how destroyed was I by NC and the preceding hospital times? How long has it been since I existed as a person in waking life?

How long has it been since I was able to feel love like this?

There's a song called "mizu" by Sophia Black and I discovered it by accident (thanks Spotify) and it just… hits my heart so hard. Something about the sound, about the wrenching plaintive harmonies, makes me think of CZ so strongly and I can't quite snapshot what it is. Certain sounds invoke him, certain songs that evoke the right chord from my heartstrings. I haven't been able to put that formula into words yet but I should.

Nevertheless, I fell asleep like that. I've been having nightmarishly sick and unsettled waking days lately, falling asleep in exhausted bruised tears, wanting to just dream forever, but not getting any dreams, nothing but these equally disturbed broken things.

But I fell asleep with hope in my ears and in my heart and my blue angel was there, as he always is when my soul is threatened in sleep, protecting me, comforting me, loving me.

That's another something that's been weighing sore and heavy on my soul lately. That whole bloody issue of sexuality and virginity and purity and trauma and how all of that has affected my health, my mind, my spirituality, and my relationship with not only God and man, but with Chaos 0-- the only creature I have ever been able to love without fear. Even now.

God knows this. That's why He sent him to me in that awful dream last night. The majority of my recollection of that dream isn't even solid visual or coherent narrative-- no, I remember these ocean-deep embraces and tears of profound devotion and that particular blessed heartache of never being close enough. He in my arms and me in his arms. Just that, pure and true and yet somehow marital, ALWAYS, yet utterly untouched by both trauma and the busted-up dream, something existing within it yet inherently beyond it, the only real and good thing of that entire night, lasting infinitely beyond it. I woke up saturated with the feeling, soaked with hope for the first time in ages, my heart sore with love, wondering what has happened to me, when did I lose sight of this, why am I not LIVING this with every atom of my being, why can't I seem to hold on to this when I wake up? What is it about my waking life that drives me to bitter sobs and despairing fatigue, that feeds addictive abuse cycles and defeated dissociation, that makes me not only incapable of but also uncomprehending of love in the first place?

And thus we return to that "another something." The awful terrible issue of sexuality.

Saint Mary of Egypt, pray for us, as it were. Julie's patron saint. (And what happened to her?) What happened to all of us? Well, that's it, this same darn topic. This same horror. And yet, last night only, this same hope. Holy matrimony versus horrid polyamory in a stagnant Charlotte bedroom. Marriage vows versus bleeding out on a bathroom floor at age fourteen. "Till death do us part" versus begging God to take my life because I can't stand the flashbacks anymore. Love versus lust. That's about it. And yet Q did somehow know what the hell he was talking about. That one thing he said about Chaos 0 back in 2012 I never forgave him for until the past few months, when in light of inexplicable dreams like last night's, and in light of Saint Paul's letter to the Galatians, it hit me that "oh wait a minute, sexuality ISN'T inherently evil," and that yes in that sense it was totally possible that this blessed blue being CAN and DOES experience "desire" towards me in that sense WITHOUT IT BEING MALEVOLENT OR CORRUPT.

I still struggle with the concept.

BUT THEN DREAMS LIKE LAST NIGHT HAPPEN and I kid you not the whole time we were holding each other like that I was fully entrenched in the matrimonial idea of having children with him and that ONLY EVER HAPPENS IN DREAMS and furthermore it ALWAYS HAPPENS WITHOUT IT FEELING SEXUAL AT ALL.

And that's my big confused scared question here.

Actual physical sexuality, in the waking, only ever feels like rape. It's intrinsically frightening. It's appalling. I want nothing to do with it. But in dreams, and ONLY with Chaos 0, somehow I can experience sexuality as something weirdly nonsexual and yet still being recognizable as sexuality. Like what the heck.

It is completely detached from the physical biology in dreams, though. CZ will not imitate male biology and I will not even be conscious of mine. That stuff has no relevance or merit at all as far as we are concerned. We bypass that somehow, go straight to the heart of things, to the unifying factor, to the procreative factor, because let's face it, God made those two things mutually inclusive in morally proper sexuality and that is how we're going to use it, and do.

But I still want to be a virgin.

But I can't be a virgin if I've experienced rape.

How can I be pure if I've been so defiled?

Saint Mary of Egypt, pray for us.

Isn't that what it's about, God's Sacrifice of His Son on the Cross? Mending the things that the world considers irreparably broken? Taking the things that are shattered
to bloody pieces and somehow making them whole again, without denying the damage?

Saint Dismas, pray for us.

I want to cry. In Christ there is so much hope for me. Chaos Zero is my blue angel because he communicates the promise of that hope TO me in my MOST helpless situations, situations where Jesus Himself knows that a messenger would carry His Message more clearly than He Himself. Ironic? Perhaps. But look at the Church post-Pentecost. That's the whole thing. Christ couldn't, wouldn't be heard by the Gentiles at large, so He sent the Apostles-- heck, He sent Saint Paul! God works in mysterious ways and I love that so much and look, see, feel how He is doing that in my life, in a VERY mysterious way, through a video game character of all things, who I just happened to fall irrevocably in love with seventeen years ago.

But that's the thing. There's hope. Maybe I can't ever literally be a virgin, no matter how much I've always wanted to be, because "once you're broken you're broken." But I feel Jesus somehow shaking His Head at that. "There's nothing I can't heal," He gently assures me, "even if My healing is in a way that you do not expect or imagine. But I will heal you." And I am aware of this. I know this. I just have to trust this, because yes it's scary but a promise is a promise and faith is faith and if God can fix me then why won't I let Him? Just because He can't erase the past, am I to be afraid? No! Healing is healing, full stop. And I need to trust that, or else I am going to be drowning in bog water instead of swimming in the ocean here. God knows, full well, which of those two things I want.

It’s such a confusing, weird topic. But I feel more alive now, listening to mizu, then I have in so long, it's like sunlight on the ocean, but the wind is still cold, and I still feel like crying. But I'm not sad, somehow. I'm not sick, for once.

I try to hold water, it's slipping through my fingertips, thinking that you'll stay, but then you wash away…

…what if he's singing about me, in that? God that shatters my heart, maybe that's how I SHOULD be thinking about it that way.

I just want to weep, right now. I miss living in my head, in my heart, like this, forsaking the outside world, forgetting that I have a reflection or a physical body or a tangible past, just living right now, just living in this music and in this heartwrenching love, sobbing with the inexpressible depth of it, like trying to hold water. it just… overflows, overflows, always. there's too much. and I love that so much. it never stops.

My inner life doesn't line up with my outer life, yet. And until it does, I will be ashamed to feel love, or hope, or forgiveness, or health, because I am so bloody ashamed of who I am physically that I CANNOT COPE with the possibility of tainting the people I love so much inside, with the staggering filth that I feel I am outside.

God help me with this.

Until then, though, I can't forget that last night happened. Something deep down in me is still pure and good and holy and hopeful and capable of love and forgiveness and life. And I thank God for that.

And I will live one more day here, at least.

022820 dream.

big labyrinthine building/cruise ship thing? long long hallways, color coded. stairwells but no elevators OR windows, or even doors???
PERFECT CHAOS OUTSIDE. me looking for "level 3," colored aqua, only floor with "water access." whole time I am being hunted down by government or something? don't want me near pc.
find a little chinese girl, pigtails? name juan lin. obsessed with eggs, eating hardboiled ones. works with orcas on the "ship??" knows the water access routes. showed me, but I had to pretend I was also an orca worker to get there. ended up in performance with her, doing flips and acrobatics with the whales for audience. but it got me outside into the water!

I remember him seeing me and RECOGNIZING ME.

standing at the front of the boat, kissing his face, him reaching out to touch my hair and arms and face with water tentacles. his eyes so soft this entire time. totally unlike any wildness that’s usually in perfect.
I kept saying "I love you so much"
TOTAL PEACE THOUGH. no desperation, no panic. just solid love.

ROBOTIK SHOWS UP AND HE'S THE LITERAL DEVIL
threatening to kill juan lin AND my mom & grandma if I don't surrender. also had some sort of HEART BOMB in chaos??? tied TO the ship, like he was fused to it, couldn't go back to normal either as a result. me asking for "scuba diving gear" so I could get INTO him and get it out.
robotnik mocking me for my "pure good christian girl" image, bringing up ALL my old sins, especially charlotte. me crying and panicked, world end feel, "these timelines aren't supposed to intersect," but oddly it felt like they HAD to or NOTHING would be "whole"

me literally praying psalm 121 out loud
"I lift my eyes to the mountains; from whence shall cometh my help? my help shall come from the LORD, who made heaven and earth"…

SONIC shows up but robotnik GRABS him and shocks him unconscious or something?

robotnik brings out my mom and grandma, held by govt men with guns to their heads, tells them to FIRE.
BUT chaos uses CHAOS CONTROL. like in sa2b. freezes/slows down time. BUT perhaps through celebi powers I MOVE through it??? get them out of the way. but when time comes back the bullets KEEP MOVING and kill the men. I held them and wept and apologized to God, I was too coldhearted, I hadn't thought of them.
BUT THEN my heart starts acting up because of the time lag, I think I pass out?

AT SOME POINT ROBOTNIK SETS OFF THE HEART BOMB
and chaos makes that gutwrenching sound that he does when you hit him in generations

sonic saving all the people on the ship
brings me to core of ship?
I remember holding pieces of something, crying but weirdly at peace, saving chaos finally

apartments with eleanor from tgp???
she gets evicted but chaos and I are with her (watching cartoon of life???) and at the office we vouch for her, help her out somehow
the workers there KNOW US FROM THE SHIP and are talking to us
"are you married"
THE DISCUSSION.
literal marriage vs vocational marriage
"we can't have kids anyway"
huge focus on God, ALWAYS with us really

made into movie?
sth "many waters"
oscar for best actress
LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT THE FIRST LETTER TO THE CORINTHIANS

deciding that the oscar guy is actually a cherubim
"guardian of chastity"

Perfect Chaos, raging in canal? I try to stop him, grab his tendrils, but he's too blind with rage. Still, I just hold him, feeling compassion, and suddenly he stops, and recognizes me. Immediately he begins to weep, now caressing me with his tendrils when moments before he had been striking wildly. I remember seeing his pupils change as his expression broke. I also recall kissing his face and getting tears in my mouth. Oddly I recall they were not salty, instead like river water.

Public bathroom, Hispanic guys. Like muggers were. Shot me in head. Two huge holes, bleeding, dizzy, cant talk clearly (blood in mouth?) Immediately start praying and preaching. DONT DIE. People freaking because I'm gushing blood but evangelizing instead of keeling over. Walk to state of Christ holding young girl; gold. Snowy? Crawl into his arms and say I'm ready to die here. But I still dont.

Kids, books, school? People filming me? News. I get shot in the head AGAIN, still don't die. But worried now, is this going to be a thing? Will I ever be truly martyred? I didn't want to be giving testimony every time I was lethally wounded, but never dying. It'd become canned.

Forget how I woke up.

"daria" doll giveaway? radio announcement. actually coraline. producers had found a "prototype head with camera" that they had originally lost, were giving it away. weirdly we had the original on our porch? buried in ashes mom had downstairs? big tube, next to chimney, leading down into charred pit. scary. torso w/legs, and arms separate, two different bodies there. ceramic, burnt, purplish at edges? falling apart. said some things, like a talking doll. mom said she had tried to sell it on ebay but didn't get anything; I said you had to advertise it the correct way; this was worth a lot of money.

Demon man on porch? me and chris (as a child). man trying to kill us; wouldn't die though. terrifying. eventually had to cut him up and burn the pieces to keep him dead. me doing so as usps guy came to door, covered bits with tarp, but guy didn't see me.

therapist calling on phone? talking to me like a friend. went to movies but forgot to hang up.
raining outside? and something with mike & blase having a birthday celebration in our kitchen? I remember mom was there, organizing music cds or something. but all she gave to mike and blase as gifts were big cardboard boxes full of bananas and oranges and other fruits. I remember everything was left as a mess on the kitchen floor so I went about organizing things and putting the boxes and fruit properly in their rooms. mike was playing some sort of starcraft-y game when I did so? I clearly feel like I saw something that reminded me of the protoss.

then organizing some sort of parade; was it christmas themed?
at old elementary school, in the half that was torn down-- me in a dressing room behind the double doors, getting into this beautiful wedding-dress-like gown, with a veil and flowing trail and open back and all. slightly tinted a pearlescent aqua. but guess who was there with me.
LAURIE.
oh my gosh she was. and she was getting into a dress too-- all gorgeous hard-light violet, and gunmetal grey, with shocks of blood red. and she was wearing HEELS. someone laughed and said they didn't expect her to be wearing heels when her normal footwear was "stomping boots" but she said that, somehow, they were related? as in they both required great skill and control to walk in. not only that but since she was "not actually a girl" her top looked more like a suit from the front? like it was half suit half dress. so fitting.
AND THEN EVERYONE ELSE WAS THERE
ryou and marik, genesis, chaos, and lynne showed up too!!!! laurie said we should all wear dresses "because everyone looks beautiful in a dress" but I expressed concern over gender roles and she acquiesced. ryou and marik wore complimentary suits-- ryou in white with blue pinstripes, and marik in black with purple pinstripes. it was adorable. lynne wore a DEEP VERMILION dress that was based of a violin?? I only saw it as she was walking out with Laurie, and oddly, Lynne looked like my old classmate Lauren at the time, until I recognized her and her face changed. but that was notable.
I was with her, but stopped when I realized I wasn't wearing a head veil, like a bride. I asked if I should go back and get it, as I wanted to, and chaos zero insisted yes, go get it! so I went back to do so.
now either before or after this, I don't recall, but laurie and I were in the dressing room, and I noticed her dress had an open back too, in the shape of a heart between her shoulders, and there was a big diamond-shaped scar there? I think I asked her where she got it, and I don't think she answered directly. but she said she'd "never hide it."
she turned around and looked at me with heartaching love and I told her "thank you for protecting me," pressing my hand to her heart. but she immediately took my hand and lowered it to rest instead right beneath her sternum, where I felt the other side of that big scar. her expression hardened and broke at once, and she said "I will always protect you, no matter what." I think she also corrected me somehow verbally, as I think I said something else concerning her scars, but perhaps that action had been so powerful I thought it was in words.
but. she has NEVER had that scar before. ever. and I know why. she killed herself after north carolina, and THAT WAS HOW. she ran herself through with her axe, and since the system was dead, she didn't resurrect. I haven't seen her since last october. and here she was. thank god.
but. after she said this, and I looked at her, I just reached out and took her face and kissed her. my memory was still corrupted by north carolina but she kissed me back as she always does-- solid and honorably, with nothing "romantic." like a knight. it felt like a swearing that she was still my protector, forever and always, and no matter what, she and I would always be bound by that love and devotion. it meant the entire world.

anyway it gets even better. now we were all getting dressed up for some sort of procession but it was CHRISTMAS themed?? and it was based in our attic, which, as always in good dreams, is HUGE. and this time it was full of people dressed as christmas elves, moving things about and unpacking and decorating. turns out mom built an ENTIRE santa's workshop up there, which on the other side, opened up into an easter workshop that was still somewhat snow-themed because of spring. it was awesome. I remember talking to the "head elf" about that, who was somewhat heavyset and had reddish curly hair; looked like he was only a little older than me.
but then I went and waited at the bottom of the stairs, where some black guy like kanye west trying to flirt with me, felt shifty. but I knew I'd be safe because laurie was in the parade, haha. no funny business with her around.
so the parade started, with lots of folks I didn't know at first, and a lot of rockettes-like girls all christmasy-themed, and THEN laurie and lynne and ryou and marik showed up. laurie was, dead serious, carrying her axe across her shoulders, horizontally. she grinned at me as she walked by, and the black dude who had been trying to flirt with me flinched, it was kind of hilarious. also I think every one of my "system mates" who saw me said something to me, and I think every one said something along the lines of "I love you." which was deeply moving.
but EVEN BETTER was the fact that after laurie, who shows up in spotlight at the top of the stairs-- huge fan covering their face-- but GENESIS. he was dressed in THE MOST ELABORATE DRESS like a showqueen. and he did this exaggerated elegant catwalk down the stairs, all decked in gold and jewelry, and wearing MASSIVE STILETTO HEELS. when he got to me, he hesitated briefly, wanting to say he loved me too but obviously trying so hard to fit this ridiculous persona that he wasn't sure how. he held back a laugh and said in a put-on haughty voice, "after the parade, you can lick my boots." I laughed, seeing how gaudy and glittery they were, and said "why, are they edible?" and his eyes lit up like they used to when he was young and he said "oh, of course! this whole outfit is edible! I can't wait until the parade is over." and he flounced away. but yes. not only was genesis dressed to the nines but he was WEARING CANDY. god bless him he's fantastic.
THEN CHAOS WAS IN A DRESS and it matched mine, it was all flowing and aqua and had tons of swooping chains of diamonds and things like he loves. but when he saw me he walked right over and he kissed me, I remember seeing in third person his arm covered in those elegant jewels, how fitting. It was wonderful.
unfortunately I began to wake up around here? but I remember that at the bottom of the stairs, all of a sudden I was in danger? there was some sort of alarm. and laurie IMMEDIATELY swung her axe down and RAN into action with everyone else.

I woke up around 7am and-- after making the bed & going to wash the dishes in the kitchen-- immediately wrote this down. thank you god. this is the first good dream I've had in months, and what a good dream it was.
life is looking up.

dream. 053019.

I remember mewtwo was sick; dying? he was lying down with his head in my lap, his skin greying and looking like loose chicken skin or alien skin, all ragged bubbles and dots and sloughing off like a lizard shedding. but then something occurred where he remembered or 'it was revealed' that he indeed could heal himself? basically, the 'recover' ability, although this was not said outright. and so he did.
he returned to health and I guess was going about life normally, but I was thinking to myself, how much I missed and treasured those vulnerable moments where I was just holding him, as that was something I'd likely never get to experience again. I asked myself why this was, and then admitted, "because I love him." not romantically, but just genuine love. suddenly I realized, hold on, mewtwo can read minds. can he hear what I'm thinking? and sure enough he was looking at me. I became aware of all my intrusive thoughts, the ones calling random people 'ugly' and 'stupid,' accusing me of sexual lewdness and manipulation and other awful things, of saying I was just using people and wanted to hurt them and didn't really 'love' anyone, etc. ashamed, I countered those thoughts as they came up, afraid that if mewtwo heard the intrusive thoughts he'd think that was the 'real me' when it absolutely was not. I was half ashamed that someone with such an ugly mind as me would even dare to think I was even 'allowed' to hold him again, like this was some sort of entitlement. but I could not deny, the sentiment was true.
at this mewtwo came over to me, a look of 'gentle surprise' on his face, and asked me if I sincerely meant this thought-- if it wasn't just a wondering dream, but a genuine wish. I said yes, abashed but moved. and I don't know the sequence of events but I know that he just lay down with his head in my lap, and I held him like that, and there was no obligation or awkwardness from either of us-- it was something we both treasured, and there was a deep sense of trust and friendship and love in those moments, untainted by illness now, something we both wanted in and of itself. and that meant a lot to me.

dream last night.

I was a red-winged angel living in the belfry of our parish church
I would fly out of it at night and sing over the town as I flew

then I was at a lake, a perfectly round glowing lake, with chaos zero
someone else was 'reading' this in third person, like a report, like a story
I had a lotus on my head, like a seedrian, and my red wings still
we were looking at the lake and then chaos turned to me and
he said "I love you"
and we kissed
and I remember wanting to fall into him like an ocean forever and

I don't think he's ever said he loved me in a dream before

so remember this

I was a celebi; flying, singing outside house at night? White ceiling sky. Felt existentially awful, but I was resolute in hope.

Then a college? Art projects. I was famous there for past work-- Anubis masks?? INFI FRONTING, was TOTALLY WRONG and Knew it. DIRTY DARK PINK.

"Malaria cure in a can"

dream 6am-11am, july 30 2017.

at sink, washing knives and veg peelers,thinking about things to write in an entry? started getting family flashbacks, really bad
laurie pushes through to front, grabs a veg peeler? pushes the tip against our inner right wrist? (to avoid worse trggers with a legit knife, I got the feeling) says "kid, there's a blade, right here. I'm right here. you're safe. I love you. you're safe. no matter what, I will keep you safe."

sitting in booth of some chicken-dish focused diner? in an outside/inside place that felt like jimmy johns fused with discovery place. writing a fusion entry/xanga in our old pink journal. tags included "julie, laurie, chaos zero, pentagape." forget what it was about. but felt the depth of it.
main restaurant dude came up to us and asked us to move down to the edge of the seat so actual customers could sit in the full length of it, but not unkindly. thanked us for cooperating, then very amiably asked us what we were writing? said it was "half a journal, half not-quite-creative-writing: more like "there's a whole world sprawling inside my skull; how do I get it on paper?" he said that was really awesome, lots of legit admiration in his voice. said the journal was super cool, he liked it. we said yeah, you can always use another journal. we also briefly mentioned we wanted to be an animator, and were slowly practicing it on our computer? he sincerely wished us the best of luck, said "good luck with your writing" and went back to the counter. felt really nice about the whole exchange

later, being "in ollie's room," looking through this cubbyhole near the floor against the wall that was allegedly a closet? full of old clothes. laurie and I looking through it together, for stuff that fit. lots of clothes that caught josephina's eye; he wanted to wear them. a few outfits that were closer to our size, but got the feeling that "thirteen wouldn't be happy if we wore them" not for a bad reason, but because they were so important to her history, it would have been jarring for us to suddenly be wearing them in a totally different context? like, felt we should leave them as part of her personal story and not take them out just to casually wear them. felt irreverent in a way.

something with gansey talking to blue in a car? like reading a book, but felt like we were watching the scene play out. talking about suitcases, metaphorically? trying to explain some concept to blue: in a taxi, with two large brown suitcases (like ours), one old, one new, both empty? could only "bring two things" into the future, oneself included?? blue couldn't figure it out. remember the "correct answer" being NEITHER of the suitcases-- you had to bring yourself, in the sake of "leaving your STORY behind" for "the sake of others, AND your own bloodline"-- but he used the word bedline?? and we got the super unique and intriguing sense of that being because of how ALL "bloodlines" are literally just the result of sexual union, but using "bedline" implied the MARITAL LOVE sense of it. and immediately we thought of OUR core bloodlines, and how chaos zero was this cornerstone in all of it, and the differences between the jewels and the jays-- the jewels felt love in the traditional "falling in love" sense? all hearts around the head, cerise-red hue? heart-centered. but the JAYS felt it in the heart as this all-encompassing thing that radiated out through the WHOLE body AND the space around them; image of me floating with my face in my hands, slightly curled in on myself in emotional overwhelm, naked and all colored white but the entire aura-space around me being full of smaller, red-cerise hearts, and just radiating. then a mental image of me embracing chaos zero and this "arrow through the heart" symbolic-image feeling of that just piercing through our hearts, "down through the ages" and THAT being the real vibe of a "bedline." very interesting feeling.

also dreamt of waking up, checking our phone and it being 7am, and then murphy nuzzling our face until we nuzzled him back. not sure if that was real or not, haha. he's so adorably affectionate with us.

(Chaos Zero, 100%. ♥)

outside, in some sort of town square area, loose crowd about, seemed nervous but not agitated. i was looking for Chaos Zero-- i "couldn't find him" but i had this strong feeling that he was supposed to be with me there.
as i was worrying about how to find him, the crowd anxiety picked up-- big planes flying overhead, military? thinking of "what really matters if I die now," settled on GOD. brief existential depression feeling, worrying if this meant loving anything BUT God was "wrong," but the thought was making me feel sick. pushed it aside.
made a "hand phone" call to my dad, while still looking up at the sky, feeling determined now in the wake of that upset. immediately asked dad if he had seen my "partner" as i couldn't find him-- then said that was too paltry a term & flat-out called him my "wife-husband."

next thing i remember, i went in building nearby, japanese fellow "as" my dad? with a bunch of kids? hugging them & reassuring them of safety, re-directing them to new homes? I think I asked him about Chaos too. he didn't seem to grasp english too well but i somehow got the point across and he said no. scene was all very vague and confusing. i was starting to worry, feeling the fabric of the dream getting surreal, and went back outside.

began walking through crowds in the square again, looking around at the scenery and trying to figure out where to go next.
THEN suddenly, from this old "Sonic Unleashed"-esque stone gothic building in the square (reminded me of this in terms of general shape and structure), Chaos Zero rushes out looking around-- he sees me, exclaims "Jewel!" and runs over to embrace me. I'll never forget the look on his face.

(next bits blurry)
suddenly, "lugia" balloon crash? from over fields to left. hits bouncy castle thing full of kids, at the edge of the square? started looking like a boardwalk. Chaos and I getting the kids out & sending them to hide in this "below-groundlevel" garden area behind us? parents looking for them, but they were unkind? kids did not want to go with them, they were very scared. I remember genuinely considering "adopting" 2 little boys; one had gorgeous sunset-amberpink hair

then going inside somewhere (after kids?) holding a shark-bag?? literally a purse thing but it was a literal shark. bizarre. building inside looked like UPMC hospital groundfloor (chapel one) crossed w/ aquarium and the "boyle" house on dishonored? big spiraly stairwell going up, i was singing some "crooner" song that was REALLY gorgeous & sweet; painting Chaos & Robotnik on side of stairwell? like a mural. Chaos had this thin beaded necklace of sorts (very long, wound about hands) as a "weapon"?

-outside by old fam restaurant, guy parking his motorcycle; snowy out, "sprayed it w/ glass" to "lock" it up? my dad was there, laughing at how that was such an unneeded extra expense that new tech required? he took the spraycan and sprayed my back with it, "drawing a design"= orange-white, like bleach; white monkey-mouse thing on cross? crucified. smiling serenely, a demon being "forced out" of its lower reproductive area? nearby woman said it "represented what was happening to me."

then in a dining room in church basement, like OLotE parish; supposedly still UPMC. digital clock on wall kept skipping, rewinding, resetting time. it was tuesday's lunch meal= pizza, chocolate ensure, a salad with ranch dressing. i had an extra combo-snack exchange to use and asked for Doritos but somehow I "couldn't" eat them due to the messed-up time constrictions? i stayed after when everyone left; clock skipped back several times to impossible numbers= 72:36, -91.55, etc. numbers began to degenerate into broken symbols and then the clock died. i mentally asked celebi if she could "sneak in" and "rewind time" for me to before the meal began, so i could actually eat it at a wise, slow pace without rushing to meet a "broken clock;" unstated conception of celebi being able to "HEAL" that flow of time by the simple fact that SHE "touched it," even just to rewind it. oddly it also felt that the digital clock hadn't affected the present time flow in reverse, BUT had effectively rewound itself to "prehistoric" times? i actually felt worried about it, as if it were a conscious entity.

time did rewind-- assumedly celebi did so remotely; i felt her presence but didn't see her-- and now everyone else was eating but i was standing up at the far left of the room, against the wall, the up-stairwell behind me. chaos zero was there in front of me, looking exhausted like from worry & work, but joyful and relieved to see me... that sort of "profoundly grateful" quiet joy he shows. i kissed him but he returned it in honesty, whereas in last week's dream he was too sad to return it despite honesty-- and that deep love in my heart (oh how i missed it so) became so gorgeously brilliant that it hurt and i remember half-mumbling that "our hearts needed to be inside each other" because nothing else would accomplish the transcendent intimacy my entire soul was desperately seeking then. so we actually did try a soul-merge (overlay-style; body-of-light concept) and i recall there were a few people nearby giving us looks but i paid that no mind; all i knew, and all i was, was love.

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a prism of souls

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