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prismaticbleedWhat a day.
...had another disturbing dream this morning. forcing myself to be sexual but HOLLOW inside. thank God nothing ever actually happened. and i didn't feel anything either. i was so tired and frustrated, just wanted the nightmare to be over and done with. felt like a robot. like gigolo joe, why the heck not. "that's all i'm good for."
eating disorder behavior too, in the nightmare. family poisoning me with food, forcing me to eat. again, just going through the expected motions. covered in hives, trying to throw up, in tons of pain, but empty emotionally.
disturbing how sexual forcing and binge-eating are still so explicitly fused in my subconscious.
late breakfast.
julie saying "i want to talk to you"
shopping trip. had to get household needs.
wore blue glasses to prevent mania
WALMART HELL
genesis is the ONLY reason i got through it, thank GOD for him
got home late
couldn't go to mass because otherwise i wouldn't eat
dinner at like 6pm
doing the "stress test" thing on my phone, forgot it shows your pulse-wave on the screen
laurie and chaos both watching it wide-eyed, laurie looked away, "lucky phone"
"late at night" came up on car radio. INFI SINGING. vibe has TOTALLY CHANGED???? at least it NEEDS to i think.
...had another disturbing dream this morning. forcing myself to be sexual but HOLLOW inside. thank God nothing ever actually happened. and i didn't feel anything either. i was so tired and frustrated, just wanted the nightmare to be over and done with. felt like a robot. like gigolo joe, why the heck not. "that's all i'm good for."
eating disorder behavior too, in the nightmare. family poisoning me with food, forcing me to eat. again, just going through the expected motions. covered in hives, trying to throw up, in tons of pain, but empty emotionally.
disturbing how sexual forcing and binge-eating are still so explicitly fused in my subconscious.
late breakfast.
julie saying "i want to talk to you"
shopping trip. had to get household needs.
wore blue glasses to prevent mania
WALMART HELL
genesis is the ONLY reason i got through it, thank GOD for him
got home late
couldn't go to mass because otherwise i wouldn't eat
dinner at like 6pm
doing the "stress test" thing on my phone, forgot it shows your pulse-wave on the screen
laurie and chaos both watching it wide-eyed, laurie looked away, "lucky phone"
"late at night" came up on car radio. INFI SINGING. vibe has TOTALLY CHANGED???? at least it NEEDS to i think.
