prismaticbleed | dream journal 102422 (Reply)

several successive trauma nightmares last night.
but... I don't remember them. their shadows were obliterated in the light of the first dream; although brief, it was brilliant.
I was on a tour bus. someone was asking me about chaos 0. they may have asked if we were married. they may have asked if we were in love. whichever it was, the answer was yes.
but they had an incomplete understanding of love. they began to laugh & tease, asking me indirectly if we had "done it." I responded without thinking, and implied that we had a child. everyone hollered & cheered. abashed, I tried to clarify my statement to avoid any scandalous misunderstandings or assumptions, but my heart was still on fire with the sudden assertion of the truth. of the blessed depth of what we had.
someone commented that we "had a museum" dedicated to our relationship, but "it was the same thing over & over." even so, they wanted to see it. the bus took us there.
walking in, the place was huge & spacious, bright & golden, inviting & open. the high, round ceiling was studded with light. i didn't get to explore it, though, because the moment i crosses the threshold, I heard a joyous, familiar voice.
"daddy!!"
and suddenly, xenophon was running up to meet me, her face a portrait of pure joy.
i feel to my knees to meet her in return, catching her in a mutual embrace, my heart overflowing with emotion.
my daughter. my daughter. my little girl. my child.
she was alive, ALIVE, and she was here. safe, in my arms. and i was her father.
i felt my beard and my white hair and my rainbows.
i felt real, extant now and in time. and i was...
i didn't know what to think, now.
everything i thought i had lost... I hadn't.

xenophon let go & looked up at me, her eyes concerned.
"where's dad?"
i paused. i looked up at the ceiling, at the rings of stairs leading up to some hidden place, there in the lights. and from the deepest places of my heart, i answered her.
"do you want me to call him?"
...but the reality of it burned so hard in my heart, i woke up.
still... what love!!