060422

[prismaticbleed]

(speech to text)

Woke up at 845

Then fell back asleep, woke up for good at noon 

Weird dream. hard to type about. gotta get it down though.

Making love to CZ. but I was faceless?? And seeing it third person.

Started with me beneath him but it felt completely wrong and neither of us felt or looked real. Like it was a simulation of us or a mockery of us. That's when I felt myself moved in momentarily, The only time I felt there, Switching our position So I was in control of everything, So to speak. But then I left the consciousness again because that wasn't something I could ever do conscious, let alone ever choose to do, especially not in that context. but this was being scripted by somebody else and i couldn't stop it, i could only try to keep it honest, not letting anything bad happen.

I remember he was lost in feeling it. Cried out, I saw his sharp emerald teeth. That moment stuck with me more than anything to be honest, Like he was still completely overwhelmed In ardor even if I was completely lost--because you know as well as I do, I would never ever hurt him, or do that blindly with him, even if I felt lost. even then, I was still being as honest as my heart could possibly be. I still loved him and I was still there because I loved him, and he only felt that.

NO HACK OR SURGE. THAT'S SUPER NOTABLE.

But Some perverted people were trying to broadcast this???

We got very religiously miffed and lectured them about marriage 

I woke up DURING that, felt it fading. CZ commented on it, i guess that "fading in" is visible too?

In another part of the dream I went up suscon road towards chapel road, For in my dreams it eventually becomes like a tiny shop area and then it's just hills that i've never explored.  Well I went up there to a house at the base of a hill and I was staying there for some reason? Like overnight.  It felt like I had been abandoned by my family and I needed somewhere else to stay. But the people in the hills wouldn't keep me either. It was like an interim feeling between airports.  Anyway there were 2 guys that lived there and They were accepting of me being there but just treated me almost Like a total stranger. Which I was of course, but they were so distant it was unnerving. They were face-value polite But I did not feel like I could befriend either of them; They were not open to that. They just told me to sleep on a couch on the porch I believe, and that's when that thing with CZ was broadcast in my brain, inside the house. 

While I was on the porch there was something with a bunch of little girls and an art tablet, Which apparently were mine, and mom said she had found them?  She wasn't there but that's the data I got. Anyway, they were full of drawings of Fakemon, Or at least I thought they were. Some guy showed up there with a Suit and hat and apparently he was from nintendo? And all these pokemon were real in Generation 9. I remember a lot of them were floral themed Metallic insects, notably bees, which were actually gorgeous. Anyway I point-blank asked the guy to tell me the truth: did Nintendo find my missing art tablets and were using them to create All the new pokemon games? yes or no. He sheepishly said "yes" and I exclaimed "I knew it!" And I immediately asked him why preludove wasn't in any of the games yet. 

There was a switch in the dream vibe here, Now I was in some sort of mall?  There was a woman babysitting a child who was holding a "Winnie the pooh" plush which I recognized as being Literally mine from when I was a baby. I said so, and she said that "she had found it in a thrift store" and fixed up his face and stuff, Like sewing and almost plastic surgery on a toy. He looked clean and new and wonderful. It made me so happy and I said I hope that the child loved him as much as I did and vice versa. 

After that is when Chaos 0 walked over to me and we started lecturing people about the holiness of marriage, I clearly remember we were standing There in the mall because  The red light from my curtains bled into the dream And there were red curtains behind CZ and I as we stood there. 

Deeply disturbed by the "faceless whore" the dream made me. this isn't new either.

Kept obsessing over it in my head and wondered why I did that. Thinking that this obsessive worrying is a trauma response, like if you see something bad like that, You have to figure out what you did wrong so you can avoid it or survive it next time. but I was just making myself miserable because I have no answers. 

Chaos talked to me for a while about that, although I can't remember the details. I remember him reassuring me that he loved me and he knew I loved him And that he would always make sure that When anything like that happened in a dream, he would be there to sanctify it with That love. so it was never abused as long as he was there.
that... means a lot to me. like i do NOT understand sexuality OR sensuality, it's all terrifying to me, and the fact that he still gets the heart of it SOMEHOW baffles me and honestly scares me a lot. like back in 2012 when q commented that he could feel that cz loved me THAT MUCH whenever he would channel him. and part of me still can't cope with that.
nevertheless it's never physical. never literally "that." it's just the same motivation, the unity thing, the giving myself entirely thing. he gets that. he feels that love from me, in that tangible respect. i don't understand but i am still so, so grateful that he is SO devoted to me that he will literally show up in EVERY SINGLE DREAM HACK to forcibly take their power away and if he can't stop it, he can at least reroute the usage so it's used as it's supposed to be, i.e. with someone who loves you and won't hurt you and won't use you. he doesn't "do" anything, he's just with me, so that i'm rescued from literally being raped by some nightmare woman. sorry i'm being blunt but it happens constantly. he can't stop a surge if i'm already that traumatized but he can at least take the edge off it. so i'm not in a mortal sin situation from abuse. hope that makes sense. 
still i wish it didn't happen at all. i don't want sexual stuff at ALL even with him when it comes down to it. i don't like it ever, ever, no matter the context. but the point i'm making here is that when trauma flashbacks make reliving that horror unavoidable cz always fights his way through to me and makes sure to change the ending. so that if i must experience that, it's in the "proper context." it's the most anyone could possibly do. and it at least keeps me from being suicidal when i wake up. thank god for him.

 

woke up, put the dream memory aside for the most part. just thinking about the marriage conversations.
ate breakfast and did Bible study.

Had to rush because I didn't start until 1:30 and I had to be at church at 2:30

Reading about how Eve and Life and breath are all related. Mind blowing.

Wondering about how breath is important in terms of speech, How that relates to things like robots and such, How humans in being able to communicate the through breath shows That the breath of God is in them because it's all relationship and Connection and understanding. 

Thinking about this with chaos 0, how he actually started to "breathe" Once I met him and he got the ruby. because the ruby made him more crystallized in places and he could form like pseudolungs, like perfect chaos has obvious internal structures. Imagining this happening in my head, him "breathing in" when I kissed him, "animated" in don bluth style. same vibe, that inherent heart-change. Like that's the most moving way I can imagine it. 

Suddenly so inspired to start drawing again on that note. want to express this tangibly.

Church was absolutely wonderful as always.

I was still haunted by those bad thoughts during adoration but I handed them over to Jesus.

I also went to confession and confessed how I was Going back to my abuse victim behavior of looking for Love by mimicking people, Notably with the trying to eat foods that lady sneasler And piranha liked, Trying to find friendship and comfort and love in them instead of going to God. I also confessed the feelings of being filthy and unworthy of being holy in light of last night's dream hack. 

Father P told me point-blank to pray to my guardian angel to protect me and to talk to them more. 
i used to. just i'm so bad at discernment i always fear it's the "lying voices" pretending. notably that's why i talk to headspace people more. like i might be weeping from fear and confusion trying to figure out if i'm really talking to mary & jesus or if it's some devil lying, especially since some things they say are really upsetting, BUT if i call Laurie she storms in and LITERALLY ALL THE DEVILS RUN. her presence chases away every lying voice EVERY TIME.
so... sometimes honestly i think God has made her my guardian angel in some very real ways. i hope that's okay to think. like i KNOW i've got a legit angel following me around in life and lately they feel orangey-yellow but is that just genesis feelings?? because HE follows me around and advises and protects and corrects me like an angel when he's ghosting with me in public? god i don't know, is my experience valid within the context of my religion? i cannot deny the reality of this. is it valid? is it a sin to love them? to be like this? to live my faith outside of religious ritual WITH them? is that even allowed?
we're still loving and serving God. we talk about it all the time. it just doesn't "fit" what i'm "expected to do" to "fit the catholic behavior and image." i get so distressed about this all the time.

After mass talking to the SSPX guys in the hallway for some reason. "holy cross" guy with the 7 decade rosary in Italian! it was really beautiful

I had a creeping fear that they would call me out as "not a real Catholic" because I wasn't as hardcore latin-mass as they were.  Even though honestly I aspire to be and really need to go to Latin mass. but is that just for "appearance's sake" i wonder? like i fear that the latin mass is the ONLY legit mass because they keep saying so, and i want to go ONLY because i want to do what is REAL AND RIGHT and i'm so afraid of accidentally committing a sin by going to a "novus ordo" mass. so so tired of feeling this way about my faith, it's all performance lately. too much external stuff. not enough internal love. too much socialization and recitation, not enough silence and honest heartfelt prayer. terribly conflicted.

Bake sale after! there wasn't much but I wanted to give them my patronage to help them. I got cannoli for Genesis!! He was so flipping happy when I told him I did, it was adorable. that's still one of my favorite injokes.

Shopping trouble. went home and then went back to redners because I couldn't think straight on the road.

All bad cravings and compulsions are disappearing very fast. Thank you God, my prayers are being answered 

Talking to chaos 0 in the kitchen about love and how we feel for each other.

I remember he said my eyes are like stars, i asked how, then he laughed and said how it's actually in the fact that they are brown? surprisingly. he said it's the light in the warmth In them. and that "if he was ever lost at sea, he knew what he would look to, to find his way home". I specifically remember that sentence because I started to cry. listen i'm usually the one who says deep stuff but when HE does it just tears my heart in half, in the best way possible. it's rare because he feels more than he talks, but... every time he speaks up its unforgettable.

We talked a lot. I told him that he basically taught me unconditional love. he said I was the first person to make him feel like he ever could be loved as a person, as an individual-- that he deserved love. And he emphasized that I showed him that he had the ability to love, more deeply and strongly than he could ever have imagined. 

At one point I said something to him that basically moved him so deeply he forgot "how to language" and started speaking in feelings and colors and such. He was saying something like "I was a fountain", or a waterfall... something about how I loved him, and loved in general. just the outpouring of that. it moved me deeply too. can't be put into words though because it wasn't said with words.

Also I was talking about how the original "jewel lightraye"-- as in klonoa-haired Red-kid me, Is basically the "heart of my heart" given a face. 

But chaos 0 said that there is an even deeper me: the truest me, That he knows and I've never lost.  I asked him what my name is when I'm like that? and I felt his heart say "Kosmos"
like all prismatic white feeling. more of a title than a name. but the "your heart is the heart of everything here" vibe. the crystal that contains it. the order to the disorder. the arms that hold everyone close and it's all going to be okay. the universe that is just love.
how the hell am i THAT. i don't know. but God i would be honored to be. i want to be that for everyone up here, really, honestly i do, just TO give them that kind of love and protection and beauty of life because they DESERVE it.
i need to... rebuild headspace. like the old days. make the innerworld a truly beautiful home for all of them. i'm the only one who can.
 

Got a splinter

Razor got it out! I miss her and love her lots 

Now i've got to eat because I've been talking for 20 minutes but I didn't want to forget today. Tomorrow is pentecost!! Lord send me the Bird of love, the Phoenix fire anointing, the bird of your heart, send Him to me and please let Him make a nest in my own heart. 

I must keep it soft & warm but strong & stable... that's a good thing to meditate on. So are His GIFTS & FRUITS which i love so much. 

last note: I am WEEPING over the Jewish theory of Tohu & Tikkun; it is SO achingly relevant to my heart

https://www.chabad.org/library/article_cdo/aid/2614791/jewish/Tikkun-Olam-A-Brief-History.htm

all right that's it for note-taking, i'll edit this on the computer later, bye everyone i love you