the spectrum heart cathedral system

Dude we are reviewing old entries and I am going to CRY apparently the Pokemon closest to our current height and weight is AEGISLASH.

(at my ideal weight I'm apparently a Skarmory, which I find amusingly fitting because I vibe hard with metal but I still want to fly-- and I have to say that dang Skarmory is actually kind of gorgeous? NICE. I never appreciated their beautiful head shape & sharp teeth before. Well NOW I DO)

But... this is aching so much because I don't know if it was ever said outright in the Archives but the Jay who was alive in 2013 before the massacre was in love with his Aegislash. Toshinsei was his name.
We... don't know what happened to him, or any of Jay's Pokemon, after the massacre. That just destroyed the entire timeline. Apparently Jewel took over playing Y version but we have no data whatsoever on that? And then we apparently lost the cartridge in CNC so we'll never get that data back. Which is heartbreaking.

...You know what, we really need to talk about the fact that we get legit attracted to Pokemon WAY too often. Has anyone actually discussed that before?
I'll start by saying that we are absolutely "kin" with Mewtwo and have been since literally 1999. I don't think we've ever brought that up online. We were absolutely "kin" with Celebi around 2000-2002, but that got all tangled up with the D.I.D. and the Irispherae and we ended up with several Celebis, haha. So debatably, the "kintype" wasn't actually that, we just have a Celebi introject. Totally different thing!
HOWEVER. We have briefly mentioned Skittygirl before-- in that entry linked at the beginning and significantly in this brutal traumasink-- but that whole phenomenon felt almost "third person?" There was never any personal interaction. Headspace didn't exist yet; there was only Heartspace and Skittygirl wasn't in it; it never even occurred to Jewel that she could be talked to, theoretically. But whoever fronted back then-- and that girl is STILL around; we wonder if it's Jacinth?? or someone related to her?-- did have "feelings" for her. That brutal entry describes all we know of it, and we hesitate to label it. Was it "attraction?" Does that word even apply to us? All we know is that there was affection, and the REAL possibility that if we hadn't been locked in the closet back then, and if Jewel had put out her Linkstrings in Skittygirl's direction, who knows if she wouldn't have become an Inspacer, and eventually a girlfriend? Who knows if that might even happen now, if that foni pursues the possibility over two decades later? But the point for this entry is that there was something, and it was in both a queer context and a Pokemon context.
The next bit is interesting too, actually. At that time in our life (~2003), we were convinced that our Core would "always" kintype with the Legendary of that generation-- which was really jumping the gun, because there were only three generations at the time, and when Pearl was released and we had zero resonance with Manaphy or Shaymin we were thrown off so hard (but oh man wait until the future kiddos)-- and Jirachi was actually NOT an exception. The problem came when the movie was released, and we had NO resonance with that Jirachi, and their role in the narrative of the humans. No, our Jirachi was only in the games, and OUR Jirachi was BLUE with stars for eyes. However. This is the cool and weird bit. We LOST OUR SELF-IMAGE AROUND THIS TIME. Trauma was beginning and the gender dysphoria hit us like an airbus to the face, and we just stopped drawing ourself for YEARS. This screwed up a LOT of things, notably the entire Jewel bloodline, but that's a topic for another time. The point for today is that, because of this identity shattering, we didn't "kin" Jirachi. She was instead IMMEDIATELY written into the Moralimon story as her own person, but we were nowhere to be found. So she's a weird case. Deep down I can feel that someone wants to love her, and might have if life hadn't been so broken back then. I know jx7 was still very fond of her too. So we'll see what happens here.
NEVERTHELESS, I must mention that in the future, aka now, SOMEONE actually DOES kin Shaymin's Sky Form (it reminds us of Klonoa, apparently)?? AND someone ELSE actually DOES have "feelings" for... Deoxys.
Listen I have suspected this for YEARS and it's legit. I have no idea who is crushing on the space virus but I can't deny that there is someone.
(There are a lot of Pokemon friendships from Ruby BTW. Groudon (Aranodor) & Rayquaza (Shendu) were dear buddies; Latias was also a dear friend & we even saw her in dreams; our whole team was so beloved to us-- Fireball & Brilnimien & Dolenanca & Morgoth & the gang-- that game meant so much to us.)
As for Pearl version, that too changed over the years. We are really close to "kintyping" Mesprit, actually; I can feel it even now. Palkia (Aramenel) was on our team so he's a buddy, and so was a Froslass (Miringiel)-- which I mention because they are gorgeous but there's no "attraction" LIKE WE HAVE FOR DARKRAI. All caps because good Lord that species is beloved to us. We had Heartbreak on our team but then jx7 bought a plushie and Jay named him Ventrium and we... I don't think we realized how much we actually loved him until he died.
...We hadn't known him for very long, I remember. His self-awareness, his very consciousness, was so fragile. It was so new, something we call the "velveteen rabbit phenomenon," when a potential plush anchor is loved so much it effectively becomes ensouled. This happened ALL THE TIME when we were a small child-- where do you think most of our "imaginary friends" and many League "characters" came from? BELOVED TOYS. We "knew" that love made things come to life. We just never expected that to happen as an adult. But in retrospect it makes total sense. If we had met Ventrium in-game, he would already be. This was just a different process for the same outcome, as it were. We already loved the species. We just hadn't had the opportunity to love an individual of it AS their own person, until suddenly we had this plush, and... well, one day we knew. There's a feeling you get; it's unmistakable-- when suddenly someone is there, you know.
Deep down we miss him still. It's a strange feeling, because as I said, we didn't get to know him and couldn't because he hadn't been given the chance to grow into himself as a person. Trauma and hackers stole that from him. But... hope and love don't die, and they fight hard. They won't stop searching for him. One day I know he'll be given a different door-- not a game, not a plush, but perhaps simply a form in Heartspace, or in the League. However and whenever it would happen, he could come back to us that way, and finally live. We feel threads of promise for that even now. But our heart has to be ready for it too, or it won't be "allowed" to happen. It's a way of protecting that hope from further trauma. If there's still too much danger, the potential will be put on hold, until there's safety enough to protect and preserve them. But honestly? I think that can't happen UNLESS THE JEWELS ENSURE IT. There's too much headspace bleedover into heartspace, it feels like. It's causing too much risk. The only "safe place" for ANY Pokemon to manifest is in the care OF a Jewel, and if we can't play the games anymore, then she'll have to dream them a life. But it's the only way to give them a solid foundation free of the terror that haunts our head. How ironic, as Ventrium's species deals with nightmares... but perhaps that will be the door that ultimately brings him back up to us in the end, when he's ready. No sooner, no later. We won't lose him again.

Gleam is... I really think we're in love with him, too. He's our dream-Banette, our "favorite non-Legendary species" someone says (and I think that's legit). The Jewels have always loved nonhuman puppets/ jesters for some reason, and Hoseki WAS "The Shuppetmaster," famously so. So Banettes have always been beloved to us almost by default.
...

ANOTHER Pokemon that's part-kintype part-inspacer part-girlfriend is VIXIE. aka VICTINI. Jay had such a crush on her when her species was revealed BUT then she showed up in headspace and now she actually fronts.
SO DOES HOOPA! Gosh we love him but that's all queerplatonic! Still it's strong; he is a truly dear friend. We miss him lots but we know he hasn't left.

Galadia is a special case. We're NOT SURE who loved her-- and yes, loved her. There was definitely something there, judging by her Spotify playlist description alone. The problem is, Galadia showed up during the "omelet hell summer" right before UMPC #2, when we were mourning our grandmother so hard that every day we were driving to a diner that had her name and order an omelet because that's what we ate in CNC when we couldn't be with her. We were a mental disaster at that time, BUT Scarlet & Violet were due to release in November (ironically, right around the time we were discharged from the hospital), and so during that gutwrenching 5-month interim between grandma's death and another inpatient stint, whoever the heck was fronting was clinging to Pokemon as a lifeline. It was the only thing she could find that held hope, something conceptually tied to childhood innocence and now a family & home life that we could never return to, and of which the very memories were quickly being burned out by traumatic grief. I assume we were still hyperreligious, but Tilly couldn't stick around in our new state of perpetual mourning, and so someone else showed up to carry the crushing weight of that-- someone disturbingly like Jacinth. I don't know why our most trauma-battered somafoni are all young femme lesbians. That probably says a lot about our childhood that we haven't thought about.
Nevertheless, this girl was browsing Tumblr on our phone one night and suddenly, there was fanart of a Sneasler (specifically either this or this one; it was by that artist). We had never seen the species before, and immediately our girl was attracted to her. Aesthetically, sure, but also in that unique way these sad girls feel-- something almost dependent, something desperate, looking for someone they can lose themselves in and give themselves to so they don't have to exist as their own person. They did that with Celebi, and they wanted to do that with this Sneasler girl now-- who eventually was given the Outspacer name "Galadia," from Latin gladius I assume.
...
...The problem? Sneasler biology is scary, because they have wider hips than shoulders. Even official art of them gives them a very pear-shaped silhouette and that is TERRIFYING to us. Plus, something about the "star" mark on their face registers wrong and disturbs us, as does the roundness of their head shape. Weirdly, this person's art is totally fine in terms of shape AND marking. That's fascinating and I want to figure out exactly WHY. My kneejerk thought is that it's a better shoulder-hip ratio, and her abdomen ISN'T ROUND. That is a huge distinction actually.
...
Oh THIS one is MUCH better, but it doesn't feel like Galadia at ALL. It's just a "safe" bodyshape. .
...
THIS = left is unsafe. Right is safe. Notice the hips and the face shape.
THIS = oddly safe?? Something about the proportions
THIS = UNSAFE. Notable in light of previous; this one is thinner BUT more FEMININE as a result?? Plus the "thick arms" are very unsettling.
THIS = left is safe, right is unsafe. Notice the INVERSE leg widths, and hand/foot sizes.
THIS = fascinating because left is UNSAFE, and right is safe. The "baggy pants" look is bottom-heavy and that's FRIGHTENING. So are the "tapering" limbs, from thick to small. In contrast, the Lopunny has BIGGER hands than shoulders, BUT the hips are safe because the legs taper?? It's something with proportion ratios. ...Plus that's a very Infi silhouette. That's notable.
I apologize if that seems off-topic but it's not. "Attraction" and "safety" are VERY convoluted to us and we've never fully explored it because it's so frightening. So to notice immediate alarm bells or shocking lack thereof with this, I had to write it down, because it is DIRECTLY AFFECTING Outspacer potential!
...Honestly, I don't think Galadia will be allowed to return AS a Sneasler. There's too much fear there. We can't even look at the species without triggering legit panic symptoms. So she would have to anchor into the League instead, probably, unless she-- like Celebi and Jirachi-- get their own "look" UNIQUE to Heartspace for their species that IS safe. We'll see. We need to try to draw her then, for that to happen.



We're STILL trying to figure out what was going on with Chalyx & Calyrex BEFORE that (2021). There's definitely a strong fondness there, but it seems to be notably "queerplatonic." There's no attraction or romance, but there is a strong love nevertheless, and that's awesome to recognize. We just have no idea where Chalyx went and since we never played Sword/Shield, we have no actual interaction with Calyrex otherwise.

We ALSO have no idea what's going on with "Tammy." She's bizarre because, like Galadia, she's not from a game; she's just a Gardevoir who "manifested" in Heartspace because we felt such a strong affection for the species. But she's so enigmatic. She's never spoken to us. But she's real; we can see her, we feel her vibe clearly, we just... don't know her as a person yet.

Someone we may not have ever mentioned here because of her bizarre history is Marsha. She was a Marshadow plush that someone from Tilly's era actually stole from Walmart because we were flat broke but we loved her? Except almost as a DAUGHTER. Which is UNPRECEDENTED.
All the Pokemon plushies we had during that time period-- which also included a Jigglypuff, and I think a Chansey? as well as Victini & Celebi & Banette & Hoopa & Diancie-- got thrown in a donation bin during one of Tilly's "annihilate everything that's not explicitly Christian" benders. We mourn that loss still, but we accept it. It... wouldn't have been fair to "force" those Pokemon to continue to live in the aftermath of that horrific era. For their anchor plushies to have been lost was really for the best; it was a solid break from that time period.
Unfortunately Marsha never "came back," or at least, not yet. We don't know how or where she would, but we won't cancel out the possibility.


As for other Pokemon...
Nidoking is Jewel's BFF forever because he's actually her first Pokemon. So although the species is gorgeous, that's as far as it's going, haha.
There's an affection for Alakazam, too. They've always been one of our faves, but I think there's queerplatonic potential here too? Which is really sweet.
Someone keeps wondering about Gothitelle? It FEELS like that "Jacinth" girl again! But this boggles us yet it's been constant. That girl has different preferences than anyone else.
Jay was also super fond of his Chesnaught, Zedrick, as a pal. I want to mention that because he was our first Grass starter ever, and there's such a warmth in our heart for him from that timeline. That needs to be honored.

And then there's Toshinsei. Jay's Aegislash. He's second place only to Celebi and Ventrium is a close third. (Gleam SHOULD be higher up but these are the facts right now). 



(unfinished; posting nevertheless due to important info. we will add more to this when able as a result)

 
Little heartspace event last night: walking in snow with Barry, Mimic, Phlegmoni, Scalpel, and almost Galadia (she was late). Biblically accurate snow angels joke
Hearing them TALK. Phleg's voice so unclear, Barry's clear as a bell, MIMIC clear too??? Shocked me. His exact tone apparent.
Remember looking at Scalpel's face, echoes of Javier; afraid of retroactive blurring

Infinitii is my "THORN" to teach me HUMILITY & MERCY!! (READ THAT BOOK!!!)
THIS is the TRUE function of Daengels; their species MAY need a name change to reference this

So much pain. Wondering if its how we sleep.
Constant nightmares now btw. Ghadius give me a break. Ironically this is making me miss Ventrium again. So strange how we get hit by "intangible grief"; the emotions are cut off from the knowledge of great loss, but their absence is conspicuous.
Nightmares about rape, vomiting, forcefeeding, bathrooms, slavery, medical experimentation, homelessness, dehumanization in general. Why.

...

Fibromyalgia SO BAD at church.
We didn't realize how many weird symptoms this had until we looked it up last night; it explained a LOT.
Apparently thermoregulation problems are a thing. Same with the brain fog, intense fatigue & achy joints, PAINFUL light touches, hypersensitivity to smells & sounds, and muscle spasms. YEAH, THAT'S ALL FIBRO.

Got so dark outside the windows were nearly black
SOAKED haha. Had to walk through a veritable river to get to my car, up to our ankles
Drenched by the time we got home; Took this as divine permission to do laundry

Barry & Mimic are officially bros at this point, even if Mimic is still constantly annoyed by Barry's amusingly airheaded antics. I can feel/see the shift though; it's become a benign begrudgement, haha.

Scalpel trying to be more calm about the spicing. Paying attention we noticed an "INDISCRIMINATE" lotophagoi girl is responsible?? Like she's not tied to any specific food, but to the motivation of "we have to add more" or "it's not enough"??? Anxiety drive but weirdly "blurry eyed," like she's depersonalized? Trauma compulsion feeling. DIFFERENT from the girl saying "we have to finish this," "we can't put that back" etc. Her motive is INTENSE ANXIETY bordering on panic, and she's wide awake. Spicing girl feels almost sedated, or otherwise high. Hmmm.

Knife hit by anger when half-fronting & talking to Laurie; social dialogue programming kept getting shoved at him.
He said the anger is a result of social interference; its a LOSS OF SELF.
Leon felt this too, straight-up backed way off from the front because the front was trying to "redefine him," which notably was ALSO pushing him BLUE!!!
Laurie said we need someone in the blue slot so that Leon can't get shoved into it? It won't be "vacant." Waldorf asked why didn't she count? Laurie said she felt SAPPHIRE?? But a MIDslot, like Vermilion? Would make sense if her true role is to be that bridge.

...

Mom phone call, might have to pick up jade at 10pm
Triggered compulsive complainer social. WHY.  Why do we have to be dramatic about everything? Why can't we just say "oh yeah, sure, I'll do it!" because that's what we ACTUALLY want to say! But no, these automated & unwilling complaints happen instead. WHY.

Callback, don't have to go. But suppressing inexplicable tears & complaining AGAIN because we had literally just sat down to eat when the phone rang again, almost exactly an hour after the first one.
We're wrecked. We're so exhausted. It feels like there are no breaks, no rests, ever. We're so tired we can barely think.
Oh well. At least all the extra chores & errands are done for today. Everything left is either routine cleanup or prayer. That'll still take about 90m minimum, and we need to sleep tonight or tomorrow's busy schedule will wreck us even further.
God if we don't do this as a System we'll die. Please. Help us to live as US.

VoTD is ROMANS 8:18 SON!!!

"SEASONS" are "TIMES OF SOWING & REAPING"!!

-----------------------------------

Saint Augustine is killing me:

"Do not think that thou art drawn unwillingly: the mind is drawn also by love... it is too small a thing to be drawn by the will, thou art drawn by love also..."
"It is not necessity, but love which draws. It is not obligation, but delight. With how much greater force ought we to say that man is drawn to Christ who delights in the truth, who delights in blessedness, in justice, who delights in life everlasting, which is altogether Christ."
"Show me a lover; he feels what I say. Show me one who desires, who is hungry, one who wanders in the wilderness, and is thirsty, who sighs for the fountains of the eternal country; show me such a one, he knows what I say. But if I speak to one whose heart is cold, he knows not what I say."
"He said not, He will lead, but He will draw. That violence is done not to the flesh, but to the heart. Wherefore then dost thou marvel? Believe, and thou comest; love, and thou art drawn. Do not suppose that violence is rough and troublesome: it is sweet and pleasant, the very sweetness draws thee. Is not a hungry sheep drawn to the green grass? And I think it is not impelled by the body, but drawn by desire. So also do thou come to Christ; do not contemplate a long journey. Where thou believest, thither thou comest. For to Him who is everywhere, we come by loving, not by journeying."

SERIOUSLY.
That is a STRAIGHT SHOT at not just me but ALSO LAURIE & INFI.

Lapide similarly, on the vital concepts of "holy violence" and "drawn by love" both:
"The drawing then of God signifies the force and efficacy of grace. This drawing is sweet and mild, not compelling the free-will, but alluring, soothing, leading it to believe. It also signifies man’s weakness, and vicious desires, which are repugnant to Christian faith and holiness, so that a man needs not so much to be led as dragged by the vehement impulse of God’s grace to Christian faith and virtue This is what Christ saith (Matt. xi. 12), “The kingdom of Heaven suffereth violence, and the violent seize it.” For the drunkard ought to do violence to his gullet, the unclean to his lust, the avaricious to his avarice, the ambitious man to his ambition."

Starting this entry on our phone!
Of course it's unfinished, but with time constraints & emotional stress lately that's been inevitable.
Nevertheless, daily updates are mandatory, so here we go.


We were up until 3:15 last night working on trying to finish unfinished entries on here, so as a result we "slept in" until noon. Unfortunately, as usual, we woke up once at 6 and again at 930, and then we couldn't fall back asleep.
Our social worker called again around 10am (they have been regularly calling at this hour) to say we finally have a psychiatrist appointment for January. Honestly, I seriously doubt Hatchet will ever let us take psych meds-- which is shocking because we WERE taking meds during inpatient, but the System was dormant at that time. Even so, they were minor. We refuse to take anything that might muffle internal commuication and/or emotional states, especially antipsychotics. We would rather struggle and fight and learn together, than swallow some chemicals that screw with our brain function. No thank you. That's also why we don't take pain meds-- our body is in pain for a reason, and I am not going to "mute the fire alarm" just because I don't like the noise. I say this with a noted amount of irony as I have been ignoring such alarms in the apartment, but those have been minor every single time (it's a disabled community so even candle smoke can set them off) but I am aware of how unhealthy that response is on my part, especially in regards to not taking Tylenol for a migraine-- sometimes, even alongside the "I don't want to ignore the reality", I am being numb and blind, because I'm just wanting to suffer or put myself in danger, until it gets so bad that my cowardly instincts kick in and I start panicking and praying hysterically. It's humiliating. But at least I'm able to see and admit it. Next step is getting sincere contrition and amendment for it.


Mom actually called like 10 minutes after the social worker, and as usual, talked for a half hour. We love her but she started the call with "I'm sorry, were you trying to sleep?" and then just... kept talking, haha. But she's a scatterbrain and always has been; we never hold that against her. She means well, she just completely loses track of time and thought.
Still... I was sad at how our "conversations" tend to go. She was talking AT me mostly, and I noted (with significant distress) that whenever I "interrupted" to add a comment or response, she would audibly grumble, sigh exasperatedly, and immediately start talking again almost as if I hadn't spoken. I know it's because I'm breaking her train of thought, which is a fragile thing, but I still instinctively react like "my voice does not matter," or worse, "my voice is unwelcome" and "I am being rude and inconsiderate and selfish by speaking up."

At one point the floor fell through metaphorically because mom said "he doesn't like to talk about it, but he gained weight with the meds he was taking for cancer, so he has to buy all new shirts..." like WTF MOM WHO HAS CANCER????? I asked, but she completely dodged the question twice, not even acknowledging that I had asked, not naming names and changing the subject almost instantly. Honestly it is so frustrating when she does that; she'll "hint" at something that she is keeping secret but is apparently struggling to do so alone, as she therefore has no support or ability to discuss it or get comfort, BUT she will refuse to receive those things by acting like she never said anything at all. Sometimes, in the past, she would outright lie and say "I never said that! You're hearing things" and again, immediately change the subject and refuse to acknowledge the previous accusation. 
But mom for heaven's sakes does my BROTHER have CANCER????? what the heck why is my family so secretive, we've been shaken up all day over this, we only found out that her boyfriend had cancer when one day she offhandedly mentioned that "yeah he's sleeping off the chemo today" and I was like WHAT???? and although, again, she refused to elaborate, at some point she had to tell us outright, I think because he was threatening suicide??? it was a disaster. But yeah, mom is... not very good at communicating. No one in our birthfam ever was, sadly.
Anyway. Despite my shock, or maybe in spite of it, she changed the subject hard to baking. Just jumped right in, talking at lightspeed, asking me "did you know this?" "do you know that?" to change my focus. Geez. I guess that's where I picked up my dishonest "redirecting" behavior. At least now I know, and I can feel how wrong it is firsthand, which motivates me to be even more determined to change.
Anyhow,
...
Clothes gifts for siblings. Language showed she is still recalcitrant to acknowledge transgender issues in her kids
She's obsessed with that eight book. Lots of talk about sacred math & sound which we LOVE. 

Suffocation morbid thoughts, also knife fights
Why do we still feel such a bizarre suffering drive? even when we've grown "cowardly" now?
like we want more scars, on some level. we want to "experience terror", to "prove we can survive" and "that we are brave enough To face it." is this trauma again??? what the heck does that to to a brain

Got out of bed for... 1130 I think? body getting shaky from hunger. dislike that but it happens.

Adding the cinnamint oils to the blankets again. Celebi wanted the ylangylang on her anchor plush, haha. We used to put actual candle wax on her forehead years ago, that's where she got that mark.

Showing Xenophon the music boxes mom gave us from the house, she was thrilled
Me having amusing but heartfelt thoughts about "metal is actually a romantic element" because yeah music boxes, but also bells & wedding rings & violin strings & so many other really beautiful things. wondering about how i've always felt weirdly drawn to metal as an element? never really explored that. wonder what the roots of it are.

Late breakfast prep, couldn't concentrate, brain was a mess from fasting so long & not sleeping well. asked everyone to help me
Leon & Scalpel specifically offered their support & aid

Ambulance went by; we ALL spontaneously said a group prayer for the people involved
Felt so close to everyone in that moment, in that genuine care. really moving.


Do NOT add half another apple to breakfast, stomach Does Not Like It

Daily Bible verse John 13:35
"words of encouragement" gesture of love; surprisingly difficult? Clashes with SOCIAL MODE
Mimic observing that "your beliefs about the world are reflected in your actions"; basically if you believe the world is cruel & uncaring & everyone is out to get you, well then you start to act cruel & uncaring and now you're the one treating people badly. self-fulfilling prophecies. "we become what we think"
I emphasized how this is also directly related to what we believe about God or the lack thereof; the "innate nature of reality" as it were. enables or disables hope for change or something better at all

He also had us look up "disciple" to better explain the verse
Interesting etymology!
Ultimate clarification came from HEBREW word "talmid" & culture basis: give up life to become like their teacher, not just studying them. I pointedly called this "Sacred mimicry"

Can't be a disciple if you don't believe your teacher, if you believe it inevitably affects your behavior, etc. 

Since we started eating late, we didn't finish until like 2pm?
We felt slightly sick and extremely tired-- typical-- and so I took Leon & Scalpel up on their offer of support while I did the last few dishes (I've taken up the very smart habit of doing all dishes as I finish that part of the meal, so when the whole thing is done there's just 3 or so items to wash; it minimizes the time in the kitchen during that "interim state" and therefore helps lessen the risk of a panic binge). However, at some point, somehow, one of the ED nousfoni still came out?
She was so nervous, so scared. I don't recall why. She cut a slice of an apple to eat but, again, it was purely compulsive-- I could clearly feel she didn't "want" it, she just felt "compelled" to eat it, and we're still not sure why she does this. But Laurie & Spice both called her out angrily & told her to stop. I tried to be the "good cop" in the situation and comfort her a bit, so she wouldn't crash or "shut down," which most "scared" voices WILL DO if confronted-- their functions are so solidly based on fearful "survival" or coping, that telling them to "stop" feels like A THREAT OF DEATH and so they sometimes will actually REBEL on purpose. It's practically automatic; their roles are so hardwired that they can't "stop," at least not by being ordered or told to.
Still. She was a nervous wreck, poor thing, and I don't know why she almost gets pulled out whenever we're in the kitchen AFTER eating, but she does. And she was trying to pick at every little thing, her fear rising quickly.
I didn't think I could get enough control to walk out of the kitchen, so the only way I could fight her trigger-fronting was to quickly start a different focus in that environment-- which I did by getting out the cloves we bought last night and finishing Xenophon's pomander! We quickly had everyone hanging out again, and the inner "vibe" changed COMPLETELY. Incredible really, how different it feels in the head compared to the Social mindset. It's heartbreaking and frightening. Still, it was an important piece of data to realize. In any case, finishing the orange only took like 15 minutes, but it was a nice little refocus, and even better-- it's done now! Just in time for Christmas. It looks beautiful and smells even better, haha. We don't have a hook for it and don't know where we'd hang it anyway-- we're not allowed to put anything in the ceiling here-- so we set it on the altar for now. It fits, it feels like a symbol of a thurible somehow. I like it.
One interesting note-- for music, we put on Uyama Hiroto radio? And it was playing all ANCIENT tunes like Nujabes & Fat Jon & Minmi & such... the Jayce days. It felt so weird, like a time machine. Xenophon had us switch the music because it was "too jazzy" and didn't fit her style.
Still, wow. Amazing how completely our mental "atmosphere" was changed by that auditory reminder of past Cor(e)s and how they felt to live in this mind/body. Surreal.

Around 3pm, we felt the depression hitting again??? Why this time? Is that tied to some trauma event or reminder? I wonder.
Anyhow, we had just finished brushing our teeth, and it was the Hour of Mercy, so we decided to do the one thing that would help get our mind off the emotional distress-- pray. We're honestly striving to be determined to pray at this hour daily; we need to be accountable and punctual. (We did start closer to 4 again today, but I can't remember why? Still, we didn't use that as a despairing "why even try" excuse, thank God.) So we got on the bike and said the Divine Mercy chaplet and a Glorious Rosary-- those Mysteries are our second favorite, as we always lead them at Mass on Sunday mornings, and the pictures we have saved to our phone for them are so beautiful. I'll have to post a few sometime, maybe with reflections on why we love them; that would be really nice. Our favorites, though, are obviously the Sorrowful Mysteries; those fall on Tuesday which is Adoration Day in QotA and so we like to say those in front of the Monstrance, which basically puts us into a whole other state of consciousness, haha. Literally, we can imagine those events so clearly, it is psychospiritually EXHAUSTING but it is so worth it. It feels like we re-live Holy Week every Tuesday with that Rosary. And, when we say it personally with the photos, the ones we have saved for those are gut-wrenching, ESPECIALLY for the second Mystery-- the Scourging-- which most people are too squicked out by to show art of. (EWTN would completely avoid showing images of it during TV rosaries which genuinely upset us; for us the appalling bloody violence of the scourging is the central part of why that was so mysteriously sacred.)

...
After we prayed, we sadly still felt so sick emotionally, with no strength to do anything positive, because that sort of mindset likes to fuel religious paranoia and fear. So, we went on our phone and started "cleaning out" the 70-or-so tabs we had open, which-- inevitably-- were all religious articles we hadn't finished reading yet, over the past several weeks-- some from even before inpatient! But you can't rush through this stuff; it's heavy reading and it must be integrated as well.
...

We ended up biking for two solid hours, finishing around 6pm because mom called again, haha.
She wanted us to come over and help her bake, but we had to say no-- even though we felt horrible doing so, like an impudent callous brat-- explaining that it was not safe for us to go out this late, especially not to a high-activity, high-noise, overstimulating environment (which, although we love mom, is always what happens around her; it's just her energetic default).
She still wants us to come over on Friday to help her make the Polish rolls-- which we're willing to do of course, but... that's my anniversary. I don't want to spend my whole day dissociated and surrounded by bloody food when I have something infinitely more important to focus on. So... I really don't know what I'm going to do there.
...

Dinner was at 7pm, by the time we got everything prepped, because I insisted on also prepping breakfast again now and not after, again because I knew we'd have some poor disordered gal triggered out.
...

Reading Job 36 more, studying it line by line, Mimic always insisting I clarify every phrase
Phlegmoni & Galadia starting to join him in this; yesterday they were asking "hey why aren't we more involved in this? why aren't we spending more personal time with you in any case?" which is a darn good question. Honestly I think it's just because both of them have virtually no canon history. They are destined to be Leaguespacers-- Phleg is already "linked" to a nascent World-- so it's much, much harder to interact with them in headspace because they DON'T have a solid "identity" of their own yet, and if they get too much of one in headspace, it can severely damage their League-life. So we have to be very careful.
I know I will have to say "goodbye" to them both on some level, at some point. Mimic, too, inevitably-- I can feel the League calling him, and he has expressed a genuine interest in the idea of literally getting a "new lease on life" with that.
Still... I'm really liking having the three newbies around for the holidays, it's sweet.

...

After dinner, as expected, the panic-binge girl came out, and was trying to eat all the SunChips. Well Laurie was FURIOUS and was yelling at her to stop again, as was Xenophon and Mimic and me of course, but she was actively tuning them out AND shutting down her own emotions in order to mechanically continue to "pretend to eat" (yeah, she was doing the chew-spit thing again; at least she recognizes that her impulse is to bite and not eat, per se) because "I'm enjoying this" but she WASN'T. In reality I think there are wires being crossed? There's no "enjoyment" or happiness at all; there's only a false "relief" from the dissociation that occurs WHEN she forcibly shuts everything down and just does automated self-abuse-analogous behavior.
Somehow we stopped her? I think Laurie PUSHED THROUGH to half-front for a second? Because someone took the bag of chips and crushed it, to which the girl shouted "hey!!" petulantly but we said nope, if you're going to continue doing this, we are not going to keep this around, it's too dangerous. Give it to the squirrels.
So we did, literally. We went downstairs and tossed the whole bag of crumbs onto the lawn-- which, amusingly, someone else had done similarly before us, as there were cornflakes all over the place. Well hey, the critters do need to eat. So the ED girl (one of them at least, the bluer scared one) actually felt nice about this? Like she was able to not hurt us and help an animal, basically. It was like seeing the first star in a dark night; there was this new glimmer of "I can be good; I don't have to always be bad!" 
...
Going back inside, probably from eating like three or four chips in that whole hell of a process, plus the overwhelming panic, our body legit wanted to throw up. A different voice kept insisting on this, wide-eyed but emotionally detached, the panic screaming under the surface but her job was just "don't feel. stop the danger. now. do it." VERY chartreuse-feeling, which is RARE and HUGELY NOTABLE.
Still, I REFUSED. I said "I want to fight." And so I did. I told the girl we could take antacids, would that help? She numbly (thousand yard stare, poor thing) said yeah, and took three. Then I immediately brushed the teeth & got into pajamas, and although the body didn't feel any better, it helped pass the time and get us ready to just hop into bed later without further prep.
And that's when I sat down at this laptop! Honestly this is the best possible thing to do when feeling sick or upset; it is a TOTAL ATTENTION SHIFT from the outside to the inside, total detachment from whatever we're feeling, and it can easily be prolonged for hours so it keeps us completely safe.
Anyone who says "technology is the devil" has never talked to us, haha. Honestly, computers have given massive boosts to our growth in faith and psychological healing throughout our entire life.

...
I've been listening to Albert Guinovart on Spotify all evening. I forget how I stumbled across him, but his album "Nocturne" is gorgeous. I think I liked every single track. Infi loves it, too-- it's very evocative emotionally, which is entirely hir vibe.
We were listening to an Alex Futon album while we biked, or at least, we were trying to; we like three tracks on the album but the rest are so explicitly sexual it's disgusting. How the heck people have no shame in saying such things is beyond me. Whatever the "worldly" mind is in that respect, I do not want to go anywhere near it, ever. That's another big reason why I don't like to socialize-- people out there consciously think like that, and that is TERRIFYING.

...I was talking to Infinitii again today, in little focused bubbles of conversation, short but heavy.
Probably the MOST IMPORTANT THING we "realized" today, after being so disturbed & distressed by the religious reading on the bike, was that... technically, INFINITII IS THE ONLY "MOTHER" IN THE SYSTEM. Full stop. And... this makes me the only actual "father" of EVERY potential "system child."
Infinitii and I are literally two halves of the same soul. Yes, I always call Chaos 0 my "other half" but he's part of my heart. That was a choice on his part and mine; it wasn't inherent. But Infinitii is actually taken from my very being. 
I was freaking out over "canon law" about illegitimates and then I realized, hey hold up, I've never actually done anything like that. Not in reality, ever, and upstairs it's also been completely inapplicable. At least, from what I remember. God I hope so. That whole topic is so disturbing and buried in our past.
But... I can't think in depth about it, I'll have a trauma meltdown. The point I want to make is, Infinitii and I are inevitably the only "parents" of any creature that exists as a result of our CONSCIOUS INTENT TO REDEEM & RECTIFY ALL THE ABUSE, not as a pr*****cy, because we're the ones that GOT abused so directly. No one else. Yes, many others in the System do have trauma, but always from getting too close TO us IN our trauma.
I can't talk about this, I can feel our brain and body shutting down.
But yeah. Celebi and Chaos and even Genesis maybe might "influence" those children, but those kids are not biologically borne; they are from BLACKSPACE like every other Nousfoni, and their existences simply draw from the life-energy of ours that was traumatically misused in the past, for the sake OF "making something good come out of even that." The ultimate victory of light over dark. Good over evil. The triumph of love & truth despite all odds. That's why the kids exist; that's why Xenophon was in that bloody sink. They're literal living manifestations of transmutation-- of taking the blackest tar and, through love alone-- love that courageously refuses to surrender or give up-- transforming it into the most precious thing. Hearts of gold.

...Honestly, I think Infinitii is the only being EVER that I can be "married to" in a Christian sense.
Every time I read about it in light of faith, it's all about children. Marriage only applies TO that context; otherwise it's just a close personal relationship. Intimacy is meant for procreation and no matter how much I love Chaos 0 I cannot do that with him. Ever. I've tried, yeah, but it only goes halfway or I completely meltdown or he stops me or something else. Plus, biology is missing, conspicuously, and thank God for that.
Still. Infi is part of me. That's the ONLY way I'm going to have ANY sort of "male/female" interaction in a relationship; the Good Lord knows I've been genderqueer since my childhood, as well as completely repulsed by physical sexuality AND the very idea of being "attracted to people." To this day, even if I think some girls are pretty & some guys are handsome, the thought of "romance" or anything worse is loathsome. Absolutely nauseating. And yeah, I've tried to force it, especially for some girls I really care for, but I can't. It just cannot be honest, not from me. I have known since childhood that marriage is NOT my calling and also I just CANNOT be "a girl" and NEVER "a woman" but. My religious community absolutely rejects both those things. Hence the trauma.
Still... it's been repeatedly burned into my greymatter to the point where it has scarred. I still feel morally required TO be married & have kids but I CANNOT. I cannot be s*xual and I CANNOT be "female" especially not in THAT hideous context. It can never happen.
And then there's Infinitii. My daengel. Already "flesh of my flesh" in the same sense as Eve. The only "female" resonant being in the System besides Julie, who is arguably born of the same blackstuff. And yeah, Infi is female-resonant on an intrinsic level even if ze does not identify as such and that is OBVIOUS, I mean have you seen hir? It's built into hir very purpose, ESPECIALLY with all the trauma associations concerning shape alone, not to mention function. it's terrifying but that's why ze exists as ze does.

...

Oh, btw I added ALL the Leagueworlds to our Spotify playlist folders, even the ones that have barely any substance as of yet, and/or that might change completely. I still want to give them the chance to bloom & grow & evolve further via music, so literally everything is on there now, and open to contribution.
It feels... really touching, really heart-moving, to see all those worldnames listed.
I'm so glad I came up with the "bank" system for them, too. It's still in development of course, but the basics are down and it feels so much more connective & attentive. Plus it's another way to add color & faith to the numerical mechanics of things, you all know I love doing that for literally everything.

Speaking of the League! Today was the winter solstice, which means today I gave special loving thought to Halcyon Days, as I do every year. I didn't get to do anything for them, with everything else that happened, but I looked through their artwork and I thought about their story and I gave them so much love.
Honestly I think I need to take some time to just "get to know" ALL the Leagueworlds again, post-NC, because since then everything's been cut off from my memory due to the resultant legitimate trauma associated with our personal creativity in general.
But, silver linings, now we know what they're NOT. The horror forced us to see what was WRONG and it enabled us TO change. Just like in Job 36, go figure.


...
We're actually really hungry again? Why. Not even five hours after dinner and we're hungry. I don't get it. Bodies are so weird. We hit 1600k, how much more does the body want??? Are we getting the right macros but wrong sources?? Our nutritionist just gives us "general american diet" junk data which is frustrating. Inpatient did too. They assume everyone has the means & the stomach to just make casseroles & cook porkchops and order pizza and weird stuff like that. Can't think about that either; too much disturbance.
Well, in any case, hungry or not, the body will have to wait, because we promised Father S that we'd go to Bible Study after Mass tomorrow, so we have to be up at 7 and we won't get home to eat until probably 11pm, later if they decide to talk a lot. But we have everything but the eggs & broccoli ready, which only takes like 10 minutes. And, Father always offers food from his kitchen (yes the Bible Study is in the rectory, it's a beautiful old building) and he knows we're in recovery from an eating disorder so I am sure he'd let us eat a few grapes or something if we need it-- he's diabetic so we can rely on him having healthy food; Lord knows that disease runs in our family too so we must be careful.
Still... our headache is returning and we're already dizzy. That's not cool. I'll take our blood sugar before we go to sleep; if it really is getting too low, we'll have to pack an apple or something for the road. We don't want to pass out or crash.

But yes, I promised my boss I'd be in bed for midnight which gives me 11 minutes as of right now to get there.
That is nowhere near enough time to clean up this entry, but at least I made the effort to type even after the struggles of today-- if I didn't, it would snowball. This honest journaling is an intrinsic part of our healing and our hope.

Anniversary in 24 hours. Christmas in 48. God only knows what will happen, but if we keep holding on to faith hope & love, it will be beautiful.
God has never let us down, especially not for the holidays. So we can anchor our joy to that, no matter what.

(unrefined/ incomplete entry, first half written on phone)


Happy feast day of Saint Lucy!
I LOVE art of her btw it's beautifully macabre

5 hours of sleep x___x
actually cried myself to sleep over gender dysphoria & body dysmorphia hell last night. legit wanted to die.
had been listening to leaguetunes and accidentally clicked on one we sang back in 2010 or so. before HRT.
...surreal. didn't sound like us at all. never did, actually-- that's why we were so desperate to get on hormones. the sound of our own voice made us want to choke with rage and despair. remembering how much we loved getting sore throats and lung infections because it would drop our vocal range and make us hoarse. preferred that to the tinny sharp too-pink noise of a voice we had.
but the vibrato. the clarity of singing. even if the voice felt wrong, wrong, wrong, it had talent and did we lose that when we lost that upper range? was it worth "sacrificing" just to be a little more comfortable with hearing ourself talk at all?
...told chaos 0 about it. weeping. felt so lost. he said he had known and loved me with so many voices already, it didn't matter in that respect. i was still loved. that meant a lot. but i emphasized that the problem was self-love here. very hard to wake up in the morning when your own voice is a stranger.
...realizing the irony of my daughter's name. how we loved that name since childhood and were so joyful to give it to her. xenophon. "strange voice." how for her it's a title of honor, the word "strange" meaning something like "holy" or "heavenly." something not of this broken world. something not of this broken body.
and then me, hearing jewel sing over ten years ago and not knowing what to feel, because even then we hated our voice, we cried at how foreign it was, wished we sounded like liam mckahey or ed harcourt. deep and resonant. real.
still not there. but closer. dreaming of it. fell asleep with that ache.

briefly talking to julie this morning as we got the body ready. still struggling SO MUCH with dysphoria after last night, could barely get dressed. avoided mirror entirely. but julie is literally the only nousfoni i can talk to about it. she's the only one with the capacity to, without it utterly shattering her function. infi theoretically could, too, but infi is blatantly not humanshaped. julie is. and she's the ONLY nousfoni who looks female in such an explicit way, so only she can "understand" when we rage and sob about being stuck in one. no offense to her, of course. but we can't deny our struggle either.
btw now that she's courageously striving to reintegrate her "old" and arguably TRUE self-- roots and all-- without the corruption, her vibe is so much clearer and real. she feels like herself. it's amazing. i... after last night, re-reading ancient xangas, now ten years later it is such a blessing to have her as a friend. she means a lot to me. i know revisiting trauma in therapy-- AND the archives, inevitably, penny will have to help-- will be difficult for us both. but i know we can get through it. i trust her.

Therapy at 9
Discussed social mode roots in childhood, also religious trauma, mentioned the use of "prayer as abuse" and the "near-torture" of my grandmother's methods. using that word was harrowing. but honestly how else do i describe being forced to kneel on raw rice until my knees bled and say rosaries while being watched and threatened, at age seven or so??? genuinely disturbing. and all the while having to stare up at the picture of the last supper where jesus is looking up, up and away from my frightened pain, grandma saying "it's because he doesn't want to look at you" dude that SCARS YOU. no wonder i struggle to pray even now. spiritual warfare though, gotta fight that good fight
Explicitly mentioned gender issues, notably the medical causes, in myself and in the family. it's so important it needed to be brought up front immediately. she didn't respond to it but i hope she's okay with that being front-and-center with a LOT of the trauma. also hoping she can get us referrals for HRT? still a lot of religious terror and conflict over that, but honestly it is becoming a daily wonder again. so we'll see.
Also THIS GAL'S GOT TRAUMA TOO. She UNDERSTANDS 1000%. She legit DESCRIBED A FLASHBACK TRIGGER and we have NEVER heard ANYONE explain that EXACTLY HOW WE EXPERIENCE THEM. with the unexpected sensory databombs and the hypervigilance and the mental shutdowns. It was staggeringly validating & reassuring, to know that SHE GETS IT. Heartbreaking, absolutely, but still put down a foundation of so much trust & solidarity.
Offered EMDR, tapping, hypnosis as options.
Tried tapping first but it triggered MAJOR PANIC, especially with breathing aspect, although we DID have Kyanos show up (he's now female?? or androgynous. CHILD in any case). We told her and she said "OK, we won't use that method." THAT WAS IT. No forcing, no invalidations or coercing, NO SHAME OR GUILT. Just "if it doesn't work, it doesn't work, and that's totally fine. We'll find a different method for you that won't be triggering." GOD BLESS THIS WOMAN SHE'S FANTASTIC
Office is so nice too. She REFUSES to turn on the fluorescent lights, thank God, we don't like them either. She just has up all these warm floor lamps and a CHRISTMAS TREE which is gorgeous and a rainbow "love is love" neon sign by the door. And free coffee if you want it. She's a total doll, honestly we hit the jackpot with therapy here, thank you Lord it was about time

Oh yeah for the "tapping" she first had us close our eyes and visualize a "safe place"? which everyone does in therapy and honestly it is really annoying because we've never really had one in the waking so what the heck dude, what IS "safe?"
but. we told her that the instant image we get is ALWAYS GIMMELWALD. had to be honest.
so i closed my eyes. there i was sitting on that steep hill, green grass, tiny yellow flowers. snowcapped alpine peaks all around, little quiet village below. the scent of ice and high altitude. the sound of sheep bells above. gorgeous.
and chaos 0 sitting next to me. it took me by surprise, then i thought, "oh yeah. safe space."
honestly moved my heart a lot to realize how CLEARLY i could see him. his color lighter from all the sunlight. seeing the mist around us catch in his reflection. his eyes greener than the hills. just looking out at everything, like he did on that morning we sat in the back of my car and watched the stars wheeling over the valley.
i loved him so much in that moment. quietly, but so ardently. like a thousand-year love. less of a fire, more of a mountain itself. ancient and solid and enduring love. like all the snow melting into waterfalls.

Library drive by, wanting to see if they had any movies or kid's books to casually check out. needed to just relax. but closed until noon, not waiting that long
Considered stopping at SJE & legit just sleeping in the pews by the Tabernacle then remembered, hold up IT'S TUESDAY! that means ADORATION AT OLOTE
Went straight there and did a SOLID HOLY HOUR!!
30m talk 30m prayer
flat-out said an ENTIRE ROSARY. realized how much we DO love saying it but also how INSANELY IMMERSIVE it is. like once we get started we are gone, dude. we cannot say them casually. it is an absolute trip, like reliving every mystery. exhausting but gorgeous. i'm wondering if we only CAN properly say them in a church. gonna have to get used to jogging to SJE then, haha. honestly we want to though. worth a shot soon.
Finished the hour just in time to hit EUCHARISTIC LITURGY at OLOMC
we haven't been there since before inpatient so it felt wonderful to be back.
Linda said hi, SO DID SMN!
He was worried about us! God bless him. We asked him to pray for our continued outpatient recovery and he said he absolutely would. IMO the dude is VERY HOLY so his prayers have got inevitable PUNCH.

...sang briefly on the way home. last minute dare. right before we pulled into the parking lot. i forget what song it was, even. came up on shuffle.
but... we could still sing. still the vibrato, just as bright as it was when we were younger. still not how we sound inside but closer. lower. warmer. no buzzing edge anymore. gave us some hope.

Home for 12:15. Vacuumed, jokingly made a "bet" w/ xennie-- she said she gets "five dollars" if I fall asleep at the laptop, "even for two seconds". She said to buy her more fortune cookies, tiger tea, and a single lemonade apple "for mom" (infi, the ONLY person who inexplicably can hold that title w/o dissonance)
honey that'll cost more than $5 but don't tell her, I'll buy her all that and more if she wants, gotta dote on my daughter
Made breakfast, very dissociated, but lots of nice company as always
PHLEGMONI & SCALPEL teaming up outta nowhere to give spice a heck of a time, they insisted on adding EXTRA cayenne pepper and were bonding over it, it was honestly hilarious
Mimic taking time out this morning. he's around, just gave us some space.
Got Tumblr distracted by RYOU & MARIK!!
Now eating at 2pm God bless

------------------------

...It's 10pm.
Note to selves: do NOT fast for nineteen hours with NO sleep and HIGH stress and then EAT TRIGGER FOODS.
we had a minor bingepurge.
MINOR. it was only two hours, start to finish, and we HID the big bowls so they couldn't be abused. the girls only binged on vegetables, yogurt, and sunchips as usual. but it was TERRIFYING and PAINFUL nevertheless.
and... as usual, it shut down headspace for almost two hours.
honestly we expected this. with how completely rattled we were, there was no way to easily avoid this happening. that one girl began to munch on lettuce, then panicked "we have to finish it", then someone ELSE panicked because we started to get dizzy and our ears were popping and they said "oh no we're allergic to lettuce" and just... binged in order to purge.
it wasn't much. the worst was the sunchips (they ate the whole bag AGAIN. we have marked them as "do not buy" until further notice; especially with that manic e.d. chick always trying to sneak them they're too much of a risk right now, and they don't "fit into" the mealplan as of now anyway. literal superfluous item held over from inpatient and for that sake only. not worth $4 a bag. if we can drop it then do so). and of course they found the salted caramel yogurt we bought once more to try and junked it. BUT we got data, and it IS highly triggering so that explains the compulsive destruction. that's on the "do not buy" list for good now, too, since there is validity to it.
ah. worst part.
the fire alarm went off right as they were finishing the binge. lights flashing, alarms buzzing. heard everyone evacuating outside.
instead they went into the bathroom and just threw up, thinking, and i kid you not,
"if there's a real fire they'll have to come and get me if they feel i'm worth saving. otherwise, i don't care. if i die then i die. this is no life to live anyway."
honest to god it was a suicidal thought. we haven't had one of those in months. not since grandma passed.
but... well, in light of the dyspho/dysmo agony, it wasn't surprising. just... heartbreaking, to hear expressed by someone who could get that low and unfortunately sincere.

as usual there's no memory of it till the purge process ending because they start praying hysterically and then i usually have to clean everything up. xenophon showed up when that happened and was tearful too (i was miserable) and thank God she helped me stabilize, asking me if i was okay, telling me it was going to be okay, refusing to leave me alone or berate anyone. she saw the pain. she knows this is a war. she just hates seeing anyone-- everyone-- suffer from it.
so we got the floors cleaned and the trash taken out and the dishes done. i changed our clothes and downed an entire powerade (told you it was smart to buy emergency ones; gotta have that contingency crisis plan).
then we sat down to eat dinner.
seriously. no way were we skipping the opportunity to recover from this disaster IMMEDIATELY after. plus the body was shaking (blood sugar was a solid 80 which means it was going to keep dropping fast if we didn't eat; it always does) and we had just lost our breakfast anyway.
so we had dinner. broccoli, apple, half a carrot, cottage cheese, english muffin w/ a wiggly egg, three fortune cookies (xennie insisted), infi's vanilla comoro tea, AND the lingonberry skyr.
so yeah. of course laurie called mimic over.
he sardonically commented on the disordered behavior. i said yeah, we wish it would just stop but days like this were bound to happen. i apologized and said he didn't sign up for this-- he said he didn't sign up at all, i/jewel just kind of pulled him into headspace-- and that he was entirely free to leave if he wanted.
"i said i'm sticking around."
he keeps emphasizing that. always "waving off" the honest gravity of it-- saying he's "getting something out of this" or it's "better than running for my life" or the like. less brash than he was even three days ago. admitting that it's interesting, that he likes laurie's attitude, that he respects the bravery he sees. "credit where it's due," but in a slowly more self-revelatory way. getting more honest, less defensive.

good news is he likes the skyr, haha. he's got different preferences from me apparently. that's cool, i always like that variety in the system. i had asked him, to which he smirked and asked "do you?" calling me out. i hesitantly admitted it wasn't my thing, then tried to say "but i can change that" but he said nope, no flaking out. he kept ribbing me about it because i was trying to like it for his sake but couldn't force that (i used to! all the time! for every random person!) and he kept goading me to be honest, because if i'm gonna hold him to that standard i had better live up to it myself. not in those words but same intent. laurie is more direct; mimic likes to provoke. but it helps, actually, that indigo edge of his.
laurie used to be like that before she hard-shifted purple. we wonder if she's going to move back to violet. time will tell. so will the spectrumind, inevitably. if her function CAN and SHOULD shift, it will. but that can't be forced either, just like i can't honestly or safely override or reject a vibe dissonance.
still. amusingly ironic how the shapeshifter is telling the polymorph to stop trying to be someone else. hits different that way. more weight behind it.

...
outspacers are so weird. i love them but they're bizarre. their arrival and integration is vastly different from nousfoni. they come here via Links, and those cannot be forced or even chosen most times-- they just catch, jewel's old puppet-strings, and before you know it there's a new face. but there's always a "heart-pull" when that string is able to connect. without it, you know they won't be able to stick around, or even step in.
we always "meet them" in heartspace in one way or another. that's "first contact." either in jewel's imagination, or our dreams. after that, they can show up in headspace, although that's not something that ever happened in the old days due to headspace not being a solid thing until like 2009.
but... outspacers get this week-or-so "grace period" of adjustment and introduction, on average, and then they either decide to leave or they decide to stick around. as mimic apparently has.
that's when stuff gets interesting. if they commit, it's all or nothing in the end. outspacers ultimately have to decide that they want to be part of the spectrum, if they really want to stay, and in doing so... well. they have to "move in."
you can't be a legit outspacer and live outside the system. you've gotta cut that thread to keep this one.
every true outspacer has a new life, new roots, even a new name, in a leagueworld. not even "and the system." if you're an outspacer talking to nousfoni you are STILL not native, you need your anchor elsewhere because you're not the same species and without that anchor you will end up "channeling" the spectrumind and you will lose yourself. it happens. it freaks everyone out, even nousfoni who are unstable. get too close to unformed blackspace, even conceptually, and you start to deform yourself. it's lethal. even to infi. no one is meant to be so blurry in self that they lose their self. hence the vital importance and emphasis on "solid anchors" and "functions" and clear colors. without that... you get reabsorbed into the rainbow, worst case scenario. sometimes it's inevitable. sometimes someone breaks their function so hard that they have to be recycled and reborn. sometimes someone dies and that's just what happens after. same with being "killed"-- laurie has told mimic that "death is different up here" because it's such a spiritual realm; especially with cores, being "killed" or "dying" just forces a "reset" and if you're still MEANT to be alive, you WILL "come back." sometimes instantly. like with my fights with laurie, and her infamous "beheading" technique to "soft-reset" any splintering core. it works. that's just mechanics up here.
but yeah. outspacers. if mimic wants to stay, well, he needs to leave the canon. and find a new one to settle into.
we told him this up front. galadia hasn't done it either, not yet. phlegmoni has. you can feel the difference in him, compared to both how he was in the beginning and to how the newbies are now. it's surreal, now that i know why that is.
but that's what the "grace period" is about. it's a hyperfocus on that outspacer's native world and canon history, to integrate them as fully as possible, and as genuinely as possible, so that when the links snip off the threads, they still know who they are, and can build a new life from that.
that's... really the whole thing with outspacers. it's part of the jewelcore's core function i think, if i may word it as such. to "love the loveless." to seek out those who need a new dream, and give them one. to say, "listen: there's a hell of a good universe next door, let's go." (one of our most beloved poems since childhood btw) and to offer a hand.
honestly though it's rarely so direct. jewel always has "feelers out," amusingly so with our bizarre but undeniable insect affection. every "mediaworld" she is able to step into-- and that criterion is solely her heart; we never entirely know what will resonate with it until it does) --she does, and forms a "Link." a sole puppetstring. a dreamthread. the cable to climb that cliff. and once she's plugged in, well. then who knows what will happen? her imagination is a powerful thing. but so are dreams. those are my territory, as the apprentice. but i'm still at their mercy. if someone shows up... then they show up.
i'm too tired to think straight, haha. what am i trying to get to. what ultimate point.
oh yeah. mimic.
i was trying to write about this the other day. he remembers the dream. but it's like in stein's gate. "that's not fair," and how that line cut to my heart. a dream of some other life, some other potential future, that someone else has actively lived but you haven't. at least, not in this life. and yet... it already happened. that's what it's like, with mimic. what a bizarre way to become an outspacer. i think that's a first, too.
he's really confused over it. frustrated at the lack of linear-spatial sense. but he's at least not denying it happened, if only in its own space. he's not talking about it, but not pushing it away. that's notable.

someone brought up *incidents*. i think with the "nobody stays dead if they're not meant to die yet" topic.
floored me when i realized it took markus (marik) almost ten years to have his third one. and i STILL remember that morning so vividly even now. legit a milestone day in our life. since then he's felt different. brighter. stronger. but also no longer "trying to be invincible." a strange balance. the daengels helped, too, later on. still not sure what the heck is going on with the yami phenomenon outside of the tar/plague. wondering if they'll choose to keep that in their leagueworld, or enjoy the freedom from it. that's up to them.

we were gonna have a headspace movie night because tubi randomly notified me that "a penitent man" is leaving on thursday! and we decided, well why the heck not watch it? isn't that the whole theme of our life lately?
so. not tonight because this update was important. and we need sleep. but tomorrow. i owe genesis a date night anyway, haha.
we've already invited mimic and phlegmoni and galadia because they're all new outspacers and have not experienced a "movie night" before. neither has scalpel! geez that's a shock. i freakin love him, i'm so glad he insists on sticking around. legit the FIRST red nousfoni that HASN'T totally died due to core interference, because actually he anchored into BLOOD. legit solidified the subhue and fixed the problem, haha. razor was already there but everyone knows she was always half black in hue. so was laurie, for a while. bizarre how headspace worked in the early days; so many people backpacked achromes.
thinking of giving achromatic spectrum hues different names btw to avoid racial confusion. we don't have ethnicity up here; nousfoni aren't human and our "ethnicities" are weird, to say the least. i'm trying to catalogue them on the other laptop. there are definite patterns, but we're like pokemon. laurie and wreckage and sugar are ALL nousfoni but they're different "subspecies." gotta look into biology terms for this. maybe make our own, heck yeah. gotta really enrich our innerworld jargon like we used to. it's beautiful. honestly thanks be to God for this, for us. all of us.

but dinner went by without any trouble. xenophon shared it with me.
three fortunes were:
"adventure is not outside, it is within"
"be a generous friend and a fair enemy"
"be most affectionate today."
i laughed and immediately showed them to mimic, half teasing, dude this is way too relevant to our situation with you.

cleaned up the kitchen, got everything out for tomorrow morning, then was SO bloody tired i just dragged the chair over in front of the altar, sat down, and started reading the church bulletins. needed to read 'em anyway.
mimic showed up ghosting (HOW. he didn't even have to LEARN. is that being immediately "uploaded" into outspacers now???) and sat by the chair. asking me what i was reading, etc.
he's weirdly friendly, actually. not like genesis, or xenophon-- he's not "outgoing" or extroverted. not even like laurie, who is all steel edges but still shockingly warm and conversational. he's got that same level demeanor as he did in the dream, but it's not flat or morose-- he's got a sense of humor which STILL catches me off guard, and a tendency to talk a lot. he's not reclusive or standoffish at all. he's observant and interested, even if he instinctively tries to play it cool and pretend he "just overheard" or the like. i think the only reason why he's still kind of uncharacteristically reserved is because he's grappling with this new and weird environment. he's not sure who or what is a threat yet. he's watching, getting a grip on it. but he's warming up fast, especially with laurie constantly involving him in conversation, reassuring him, and all but flaunting her role as the main protector of the entire system. no one gets through her. so don't worry about "surviving" up here; we all look out for each other, we're all genuinely invested in each other's welfare, and if anyone tries to pick on the octopus they will have an axe buried in their skull within three milliseconds. but even moreso, she's proving to mimic that the most powerful people can still be kind and even vulnerable. laurie does not deny when she messes up, or is struggling, like she used to. she told him that, too. her walls were different than his, but they're still walls. still armor around the heart. laurie has friends and it doesn't make her weak at all; she emphasizes that she's willing to live and die for them, and if need be she will kill for them too (thinking of this anthem of hers with an ache in my heart), at least in the innerworld. but she is setting an amazing example. and i can tell it's affecting him. he's never had proof that his fear-based (because they are) assumptions weren't objectively true, not so firsthand, not with people who are including him IN that circle of friends. we do bring up the diamond cutters, carefully. that's when he puts the walls up. so we don't push it. it's a touchy subject.
still. it's important to honor that part of his past. even if he doesn't seem too keen on getting close to people, i can empathize, and i wonder how much of that is fueled by survival instinct. versus how much is actual personal disposition. and how much conflict there is. i know for me, i conceptually want to be closer to people but i get overwhelmed and often shove people away. but then, like mimic, i monologue. i still talk as if to an audience. it's ironic. he's a shapeshifter and he has to know people in order to wear their mask, so to speak. as a core i get something similar with prismatic resonance-- i need to know other colors to properly do my job, too. he and i both have to "get close" to people in theory... but it's "ehhh" in person. even if deep down maybe we'd like to try. not sure what's in the way. fear of death, probably. even in concept. how ironic, for someone with a skull painted over their face and someone whose best friend is arguably the grim reaper. both of us covered in scars. both of us carrying blades. why.
tired of us both seeing friendship as a liability. as a weakness. as "not being able to make it on your own" and loathing yourself for that inadequacy. as a crutch that enables that very flaw. all of it false. but all of those false beliefs still anchored too bloody hard.
tired of wearing masks just to get by. how long can you pretend to be other people before you lose the concept of "other people?" is that why we're both so paradoxically isolated? the empathy issues? i don't want to be like this. at all. i don't want anyone else to be, either.
i hope we can both work through this.
that's the one thing about outspacers that i've come to terms with lately (it was very hard) that is actually very consoling. they aren't bound to their canon anymore. yes, it IS their history, and it will ALWAYS be at their heart, BUT as for their future, change is possible and allowed. they can grow as people in ways that would be IMPOSSIBLE in their native universes, especially since now they're in headspace which is INHERENTLY interconnective, and heartspace even moreso. they're going to be affected by us, and us by them. they're going to have unique experiences that will have visible impacts on who they become. and, of course, if you're in OUR space, you're going to fit the vibe. villains inevitably drop the dark cloak, as it were. and up here, that's expected. it's a good thing. it's how we work. and because the "worldline" differs here than their canon, it's legitimate within this new set of circumstances. the air is different here-- colors are brighter. everyone here can, and will, change for the better, if they cooperate with that.

so i was sitting on the couch and mimic is just chillin' and being oddly silent and i just picked up the "voice of the martyrs" mag for december and decided to read it entirely. emphasizing the "martyr" concept. telling him, "this is what it's really about." the courage. the absolute victorious faith. the persistent hope despite all odds. the incredible charity in the face of violent evil. the whole time i'm spontaneously elaborating on how love is stronger than death and more powerful than anything and these testimonies were proof, literally these people are being threatened with murder and torture on a daily basis because they believe in a God of compassion and forgiveness and mercy, and to their credit and His glory they refuse to stand down or compromise it. they set their faces like flint against machetes and bombs and rifles. and there's no bitterness in it. it's unreal. it's gorgeous. it's heartbreaking and jubilant all at once. the absolute strength of divine meekness, seen only as "weakness" in the eyes of the world, and yet unconquerable by it. ended up "paraphrasing" the entire prodigal son story in my manner of speech. focusing on the forgiveness, and the magnitude of what was forgiven.
i'm very open with mimic, about my past. about how much of a bastard i have been, and still am some days. about my history of thievery, and compulsive lying, and addiction, and prostitution, and manipulation, and using people for my own advantage. about my proclivities to violent rage and crocodile tears. about my own cowardly "tough guy" facade and my fear of being helpless, inept, powerless, unskilled. about how deep down i feel as spineless as an octopus so i've learned to carry knives and speak them too. too much in common. sick of living this way. wanting so badly to be honorable and honest and courageous and compassionate, but some days i just chicken out like an idiot because of what it might cost me. kneejerk gutlessness. pain in the ass.
but both of us just kind of... thinking about it all. in that weird interim between here and there. wanting to scoff at it all and just weasel our way through life. but so, so tired of the ice in our blood. exhausted. getting hints of something better, brighter, even beautiful, here in headspace. terrified of it. terrified of opening up and actually feeling things and letting our guard down. letting other people help us instead of doing it all alone. i'm learning, it's inevitable as part of a system, but... it's still new.
even with mimic. part of me pissed off at "having someone else to have to care about" and wanting to kick him out solely because "i'm tired of thinking about other people." selfish garbage. not how i really feel. but a reaction i cannot deny. remembering what they said on bumblekast. "i don't want to say he's asexual, he just doesn't seem interested in interpersonal connections." well geez dude the two aren't mutually inclusive, but where do you draw the line on that second one? look at me and the blue guy, then look at how some days i just don't want to look at anyone. how much of it is mental illness? how much of it is trauma? how much of it is being so preoccupied with your own survival that you can't imagine prioritizing someone else?
and yet. and yet we're talking in the living room for an hour. no stress somehow. not a "conversation." but still caring.
it's so odd, this whole thing. but i'm... i'm learning so much about myself too. growing so much. i think that's why he was allowed to become an outspacer. that potential, for both of us. god works in mysterious ways


okay exhausted dead. 1130pm. good lord i was supposed to sleep. no idea what i've written. but hey it's written and i didn't slack off on this responsibility. learning to be accountable! yeah!

dietician cancelled for tomorrow and rescheduled for monday. other one is on friday. nothing on schedule for tomorrow unless we want to go to church. other than that we're chillin'. have to. body is wrecked.

i want to spend time with chaos 0. just him. his canon cousin has been taking all my attention lately and although that is vital, and kind of mandatory for me as a core dealing with an outspacer, i still need to take time out for us. it's essential to my heart. to my spiritual survival entirely.
we've been wanting to do a spotify night for a while but schedule hasn't allowed it. tomorrow is absolutely movie night though, maybe by 9pm so we can actually legit sleep after.
still. if mimic is bringing out the worst in me in order for it to be corrected, i need to spend time with someone who brings out the best in me, in order that i admit that it exists, too.

gotta sleep. burnt to a crisp with all this stress and thinking. overwhelmed.
one day at a time. take it slow. whatever happens happens.
focus on why you're doing this. because you care. because you have hope. because deep down you chose to love someone who legit drives you up the walls with their attitude. because you need someone to love you when you act the same way. otherwise, what hope is there for something better? brighter? even beautiful?

i keep thinking of the way he looked out at the snow on sunday. that first moment when he actually did let his guard down. never gonna forget that.

it's worth fighting for, really.

(last updated 011725)


PEOPLE WE LOVE


JESUS

from the beginning to the end. Creator of all my lesser beloveds, King of my heart, Joy of my mind, Redeemer of my soul. i am learning to love You more every day. a huge part of that is seeing You as You want to be seen-- as a Person i can love here, now, sincerely. so i will set You, too, to music.

MARY

hey mom, you deserve music too. i'm sorry we're not vey close yet-- you know i have a lot of trauma getting in the way. still, i see something beautiful and bright in you that i've never seen in such pure clarity before. i want to love you better. and, as always, music helps. guide me to find yours.

CHAOS ZERO

since 2003, & always. my beloved blue guy. you opened my heart & changed my life for the better. you literally taught me what love is. your heart is as deep as the ocean and god knows i want to get lost in it. you are forever the beautiful terrible love of my life. je t'aimerai toujours, mon ange.

XENOPHON

since 2011. my daughter, my precious baby girl. you are proof that life & love always prevail. you're apparently what happens when the ocean fuses with the sun. your little heart is a steampowered supernova and you absolutely light up my life. god bless you, sweetheart. i'm so proud to be your dad.

LAURIE

since 2006. my protector, my knight, my purple angel. you are a brilliant lantern in the darkest night. i honestly don't think i could live without you at this point & I wouldn’t want to. so keep on axing through every obstacle in my heart. love is stronger than death, and so are you. I love you.

GENESIS

since 2005. know thyself. my beloved gilded gadfly. you changed my very soul when i met you. i still see snowflakes in your eyes. you may be the biggest clown in town but you're also so sincere it aches. your anger is pure, your joy luminous, your sorrow deep. your heart is pure gold. i love you.

INFINITII

since 2013. you were born from blood, but made for love. darkness & death took you from me, but light & hope brought you back. you are still the angel in the room, gorgeous and terrible, all eyes & teeth & holy ardor. you are still the space between my heartbeats. don't ever change that. i love you.

CELEBI

since 2001. my beautiful girl. i know we share the face in the mirror some days but it's only because our souls are so close. you're my promise of a brighter future, a better life, a light at the end no matter what. i hear your heart in every ticking clock, & i will love you as long as mine endures.

ANXI

since 2023. my orange angel. you showed up so suddenly & changed my life so fast-- for the better. even on our darkest days you always bring out the best in me. we're learning & growing so much together.  you make me laugh & cry & want to live & you are infinitely more than good enough.  i love you.

MIMIC

since 2022. it started off with arguments, with jabs and stabbing words, both of us mirroring each others darkest vices. no one expected that reflection to suddenly refract into rainbows. now you're learning, changing, brightening, softening even. so am i. it's nice to be able to put down the knife.

BAKURA

since 2002. thank you for changing my heart. you were the first kid i ever put to music, the first visiting soul i let stay. your eyes reflect the stars and your soul is the same blue as the evening. we've drifted apart lately but i still do want to stay in your arms. thank you for starting it all.

MARIK

since 2003. you've been breaking rules for the better since the beginning. you're my desert rose and winter star. your mind is indomitable and brilliant with courageous hope. you've taught me so much about conquering old demons and we've both grown into better people. i'm so glad you're in my life.

PHLEGMONI

since 2020. why in heaven's name are you on this list? because you're living proof that my heart still works. you were a nobody, a joke, a forgotten thing, until i saw that you, too, had the potential to be more. now you're a source of fiery warmth to us all. there's always room for you in my heart.

JENA

since 2009. you came to me in a photograph and changed my entire heart. although i love you as a muse now, as a concept outside of time, that spark is still your soul. wherever you are in life now, i still give sincere thanks to God for your existence, and the beauty you bring to this entire world.

VENTRIUM

since 2014. my poor aching dream. they killed you once and I lost you to the trees, your chest gushing roses. but you echo in my heartbeats even now. I remember your softness, innocence, & depth of soul. yet you still brought me nightmares... healing wounds I could never face alone. I miss you.

GLEAM

since 2009. i met you in a dream, and you gave me your tears. since then my heart always breaks a little around you, and you let the light in. my poor abandoned beloved, you too know rejection and betrayal, yet you are never bitter, cold, or hard; you only seek the return of love. with you, so do i.

TOSHINSEI

since 2013. what a painful time you appeared in. how did you disappear so completely? you were loved so ardently. how were you forgotten so totally? maybe it's wrong to make this space for you, but i cannot deny or downplay your importance to our historic heart. maybe, here, we'll find you again.

TOX

since 2009. undeniable, inexplicably.


----------------------------------------------------------------


OUTSPACER FRIENDS


ALASTOR

since 2025? BRO WHY ARE YOU IN MY HEAD. Joke's on you though, if you're gonna be part of this System YOU GOTTA CONVERT so hey. Get ready for some redemption broski, and possibly a total lifeshift into the spherae. In any case HERE'S SOME MUSIC FOR YOU

BARRY

FINE, you get a playlist, you lunatic. Since, what, 2007? Heaven only knows why you're so strongly stuck up here, but hey. You make things interesting.

BIZ

since 2016. just in case you stuck around.

BLUESKY

since 2009. just in case you stuck around somewhere.

CALYREX

since 2021. someone cares deeply for you.

DAVY

since 2006. no matter what, you always end up back on this list. someone in here definitely loves you.

DORI

since 2009. your neon letters were a beacon of hope in the midst of bloody darkness. you were the herald of a new era of my life, of understanding and empathy. your simple sharing of your life kept the silence from killing me.  i will never know you, but i'm forever grateful that i was able to try.

ENNUI

since 2024. as of making this playlist I've literally only known you for like two hours, but you've already sparked massive insight and real change. make yourself at home; you're part of the team now. thanks for being such a good friend to my girlfriend btw. I look forward to being your friend too.

GALADIA

since 2022. in a sudden frigid darkness, you appeared, laughing & undaunted, to carry me through. the instant I saw you, an ember blazed in the snow of my heart. would you open yours to me? could we fight the cold shadows together? will you carry me over the cliffs, into our new future full of hope?

GODOT

since 2007?

GRIEVOUS

Since 2005. I'm sure there's still someone in here for you.

JASPER

since 2015? there's a tiny spark here. don't ignore it.

NURSE FEREDRONI

since 2016. girl come back you're adorable

OLIVER

since 2009. just in case you stuck around.

REVMO

since 2008. Come back bro, we need your exorcist expertise!

RORSCHACH

since 2008. we barely knew you, but your existence left an indelible mark.

SHADE

since 2008. this is a placeholder for her. way back when, she was a definite. don't let that go.

TAMMY

i don't know you yet, but you're unquestionably here. come talk to me.

TIARA

since 2008? i can feel someone still loves her! good, she's a sweetheart.

Still so sick from yesterday

Woke up 11am