051222

[prismaticbleed]

Slept in until 1030. No strength to move, body aching. 

Church at OLMC & OOSJ. 

Eucharistic EUPHORIA at oblates. Felt like I could die of joy. 

ACTUALLY and finally understood Jesus as Bridegroom. Not 'scary' anymore. 

I could meditate on just the Eucharist for days. It's absolutely amazing, every time. There's an infinite increase; the well of wonder never runs dry, no matter how much or how deeply you drink. 

Helping the chicken salad lady at Walmart 

I had been stuck & confused until that very moment; goes to show exactly how God uses all things for good for those who love & trust Him. 

Dissociation again, but prayer helps us all get through. Scary to be in that store. Listen to God, not the noise; don't let it flood your brain with garbage. Keep praying & focus. 

Aldi. Convicted: "you're here every day, you should get a job". Humiliated but rightly so. Forced me to stop & take a hard look at my life choices here. 

Thrift store. Ugly music as always. EXCEPT one, like destiny's child; 90s r&b lady. Immediately triggered out Infi. 

Discussing how Infi "breaks too easily" & "pours hirself out in/to people who would just "spit hir out" and utterly disrespect/ disregard both hir body and hir love. 

"For the record, I wouldn't spit you out." Ze was deeply touched by this gave me that adore-ache look. I miss that, really. Really felt a genuine ache beneath my ribs in return-- surprising because its been a LONG time since I "let myself" feel for hir, let alone admit it.

"Help look for clothes with me" = love shown in mutual mundane life, nonsexual and dedicated. Infi agreed wholeheartedly and gladly looked with me. I heard the Godphone tell me that I wouldn't find anything today, which I admittedly did not believe entirely, but all in all the looking was notsomuch about clothes as it was about being with Infinitii. Browsing the aisles felt like a "lover's excuse" to just be next to hir. Very sweet. 

Green & blue shirt Immediately had me get Chaos Zero's attention, then of course Laurie, and I felt Genesis hanging around the back. Purposely spent like an hour just looking so we could all be & talk together. 

SO MUCH LOVE. My heart was burning; I was embraced with deep joy and tenderness. God, how I miss them all! I want to share my entire life with them; I want to live a life worthy of their love. I only exist when I'm with them. God is love, and I feel Him AS HIMSELF with us, both figuratively AND literally. He brought us all together so we will help bring each other to heaven & to Him, but I also feel God loving me THROUGH them, with them, in them. Same with me. And I must properly & reverently meditate upon that truth. 

Bad music came back on. Said the rosary together until it got too bad & we had to bail. 

Hoping today is the FINAL "wean back off the binges" day.

Saturday night up until 4???? No memory THANK GOD. Literally worst night in years. 

Sunday night AT THE HOUSE. Weeping uncontrollably from grief. Went in grandma's room, saw the little birthday lights and wilting balloons on the floor. It ruined me. I cried like the world had ended. 

Monday night Sneasler. Tuna & old cores 

Remember the animal crackers girl on Tuesday night!

Wednesday 

John 12:47 and my talks with Jesus begging Him not to "punish me" when I fall-- "Child, I do not punish you; the sins you commit, however blindly, bring their own punishment by their very nature." = you reap what you sow. It's NATURAL LAW (refer to Prof. Haim)!

HOWEVER begging God not to "kill me" = MERCY, UNDESERVED. No matter how brutal the warfare, THE DEVIL "CANNOT KILL". ONLY GOD IS IN CONTROL OF DEATH!!! No one leaves this world without God's orders-- or heartbroken allowance, in cases of suicide. But even then, the reaper is not there because WE called. 

...