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[prismaticbleed]

Starting this entry on our phone!
Of course it's unfinished, but with time constraints & emotional stress lately that's been inevitable.
Nevertheless, daily updates are mandatory, so here we go.


We were up until 3:15 last night working on trying to finish unfinished entries on here, so as a result we "slept in" until noon. Unfortunately, as usual, we woke up once at 6 and again at 930, and then we couldn't fall back asleep.
Our social worker called again around 10am (they have been regularly calling at this hour) to say we finally have a psychiatrist appointment for January. Honestly, I seriously doubt Hatchet will ever let us take psych meds-- which is shocking because we WERE taking meds during inpatient, but the System was dormant at that time. Even so, they were minor. We refuse to take anything that might muffle internal commuication and/or emotional states, especially antipsychotics. We would rather struggle and fight and learn together, than swallow some chemicals that screw with our brain function. No thank you. That's also why we don't take pain meds-- our body is in pain for a reason, and I am not going to "mute the fire alarm" just because I don't like the noise. I say this with a noted amount of irony as I have been ignoring such alarms in the apartment, but those have been minor every single time (it's a disabled community so even candle smoke can set them off) but I am aware of how unhealthy that response is on my part, especially in regards to not taking Tylenol for a migraine-- sometimes, even alongside the "I don't want to ignore the reality", I am being numb and blind, because I'm just wanting to suffer or put myself in danger, until it gets so bad that my cowardly instincts kick in and I start panicking and praying hysterically. It's humiliating. But at least I'm able to see and admit it. Next step is getting sincere contrition and amendment for it.


Mom actually called like 10 minutes after the social worker, and as usual, talked for a half hour. We love her but she started the call with "I'm sorry, were you trying to sleep?" and then just... kept talking, haha. But she's a scatterbrain and always has been; we never hold that against her. She means well, she just completely loses track of time and thought.
Still... I was sad at how our "conversations" tend to go. She was talking AT me mostly, and I noted (with significant distress) that whenever I "interrupted" to add a comment or response, she would audibly grumble, sigh exasperatedly, and immediately start talking again almost as if I hadn't spoken. I know it's because I'm breaking her train of thought, which is a fragile thing, but I still instinctively react like "my voice does not matter," or worse, "my voice is unwelcome" and "I am being rude and inconsiderate and selfish by speaking up."

At one point the floor fell through metaphorically because mom said "he doesn't like to talk about it, but he gained weight with the meds he was taking for cancer, so he has to buy all new shirts..." like WTF MOM WHO HAS CANCER????? I asked, but she completely dodged the question twice, not even acknowledging that I had asked, not naming names and changing the subject almost instantly. Honestly it is so frustrating when she does that; she'll "hint" at something that she is keeping secret but is apparently struggling to do so alone, as she therefore has no support or ability to discuss it or get comfort, BUT she will refuse to receive those things by acting like she never said anything at all. Sometimes, in the past, she would outright lie and say "I never said that! You're hearing things" and again, immediately change the subject and refuse to acknowledge the previous accusation. 
But mom for heaven's sakes does my BROTHER have CANCER????? what the heck why is my family so secretive, we've been shaken up all day over this, we only found out that her boyfriend had cancer when one day she offhandedly mentioned that "yeah he's sleeping off the chemo today" and I was like WHAT???? and although, again, she refused to elaborate, at some point she had to tell us outright, I think because he was threatening suicide??? it was a disaster. But yeah, mom is... not very good at communicating. No one in our birthfam ever was, sadly.
Anyway. Despite my shock, or maybe in spite of it, she changed the subject hard to baking. Just jumped right in, talking at lightspeed, asking me "did you know this?" "do you know that?" to change my focus. Geez. I guess that's where I picked up my dishonest "redirecting" behavior. At least now I know, and I can feel how wrong it is firsthand, which motivates me to be even more determined to change.
Anyhow,
...
Clothes gifts for siblings. Language showed she is still recalcitrant to acknowledge transgender issues in her kids
She's obsessed with that eight book. Lots of talk about sacred math & sound which we LOVE. 

Suffocation morbid thoughts, also knife fights
Why do we still feel such a bizarre suffering drive? even when we've grown "cowardly" now?
like we want more scars, on some level. we want to "experience terror", to "prove we can survive" and "that we are brave enough To face it." is this trauma again??? what the heck does that to to a brain

Got out of bed for... 1130 I think? body getting shaky from hunger. dislike that but it happens.

Adding the cinnamint oils to the blankets again. Celebi wanted the ylangylang on her anchor plush, haha. We used to put actual candle wax on her forehead years ago, that's where she got that mark.

Showing Xenophon the music boxes mom gave us from the house, she was thrilled
Me having amusing but heartfelt thoughts about "metal is actually a romantic element" because yeah music boxes, but also bells & wedding rings & violin strings & so many other really beautiful things. wondering about how i've always felt weirdly drawn to metal as an element? never really explored that. wonder what the roots of it are.

Late breakfast prep, couldn't concentrate, brain was a mess from fasting so long & not sleeping well. asked everyone to help me
Leon & Scalpel specifically offered their support & aid

Ambulance went by; we ALL spontaneously said a group prayer for the people involved
Felt so close to everyone in that moment, in that genuine care. really moving.


Do NOT add half another apple to breakfast, stomach Does Not Like It

Daily Bible verse John 13:35
"words of encouragement" gesture of love; surprisingly difficult? Clashes with SOCIAL MODE
Mimic observing that "your beliefs about the world are reflected in your actions"; basically if you believe the world is cruel & uncaring & everyone is out to get you, well then you start to act cruel & uncaring and now you're the one treating people badly. self-fulfilling prophecies. "we become what we think"
I emphasized how this is also directly related to what we believe about God or the lack thereof; the "innate nature of reality" as it were. enables or disables hope for change or something better at all

He also had us look up "disciple" to better explain the verse
Interesting etymology!
Ultimate clarification came from HEBREW word "talmid" & culture basis: give up life to become like their teacher, not just studying them. I pointedly called this "Sacred mimicry"

Can't be a disciple if you don't believe your teacher, if you believe it inevitably affects your behavior, etc. 

Since we started eating late, we didn't finish until like 2pm?
We felt slightly sick and extremely tired-- typical-- and so I took Leon & Scalpel up on their offer of support while I did the last few dishes (I've taken up the very smart habit of doing all dishes as I finish that part of the meal, so when the whole thing is done there's just 3 or so items to wash; it minimizes the time in the kitchen during that "interim state" and therefore helps lessen the risk of a panic binge). However, at some point, somehow, one of the ED nousfoni still came out?
She was so nervous, so scared. I don't recall why. She cut a slice of an apple to eat but, again, it was purely compulsive-- I could clearly feel she didn't "want" it, she just felt "compelled" to eat it, and we're still not sure why she does this. But Laurie & Spice both called her out angrily & told her to stop. I tried to be the "good cop" in the situation and comfort her a bit, so she wouldn't crash or "shut down," which most "scared" voices WILL DO if confronted-- their functions are so solidly based on fearful "survival" or coping, that telling them to "stop" feels like A THREAT OF DEATH and so they sometimes will actually REBEL on purpose. It's practically automatic; their roles are so hardwired that they can't "stop," at least not by being ordered or told to.
Still. She was a nervous wreck, poor thing, and I don't know why she almost gets pulled out whenever we're in the kitchen AFTER eating, but she does. And she was trying to pick at every little thing, her fear rising quickly.
I didn't think I could get enough control to walk out of the kitchen, so the only way I could fight her trigger-fronting was to quickly start a different focus in that environment-- which I did by getting out the cloves we bought last night and finishing Xenophon's pomander! We quickly had everyone hanging out again, and the inner "vibe" changed COMPLETELY. Incredible really, how different it feels in the head compared to the Social mindset. It's heartbreaking and frightening. Still, it was an important piece of data to realize. In any case, finishing the orange only took like 15 minutes, but it was a nice little refocus, and even better-- it's done now! Just in time for Christmas. It looks beautiful and smells even better, haha. We don't have a hook for it and don't know where we'd hang it anyway-- we're not allowed to put anything in the ceiling here-- so we set it on the altar for now. It fits, it feels like a symbol of a thurible somehow. I like it.
One interesting note-- for music, we put on Uyama Hiroto radio? And it was playing all ANCIENT tunes like Nujabes & Fat Jon & Minmi & such... the Jayce days. It felt so weird, like a time machine. Xenophon had us switch the music because it was "too jazzy" and didn't fit her style.
Still, wow. Amazing how completely our mental "atmosphere" was changed by that auditory reminder of past Cor(e)s and how they felt to live in this mind/body. Surreal.

Around 3pm, we felt the depression hitting again??? Why this time? Is that tied to some trauma event or reminder? I wonder.
Anyhow, we had just finished brushing our teeth, and it was the Hour of Mercy, so we decided to do the one thing that would help get our mind off the emotional distress-- pray. We're honestly striving to be determined to pray at this hour daily; we need to be accountable and punctual. (We did start closer to 4 again today, but I can't remember why? Still, we didn't use that as a despairing "why even try" excuse, thank God.) So we got on the bike and said the Divine Mercy chaplet and a Glorious Rosary-- those Mysteries are our second favorite, as we always lead them at Mass on Sunday mornings, and the pictures we have saved to our phone for them are so beautiful. I'll have to post a few sometime, maybe with reflections on why we love them; that would be really nice. Our favorites, though, are obviously the Sorrowful Mysteries; those fall on Tuesday which is Adoration Day in QotA and so we like to say those in front of the Monstrance, which basically puts us into a whole other state of consciousness, haha. Literally, we can imagine those events so clearly, it is psychospiritually EXHAUSTING but it is so worth it. It feels like we re-live Holy Week every Tuesday with that Rosary. And, when we say it personally with the photos, the ones we have saved for those are gut-wrenching, ESPECIALLY for the second Mystery-- the Scourging-- which most people are too squicked out by to show art of. (EWTN would completely avoid showing images of it during TV rosaries which genuinely upset us; for us the appalling bloody violence of the scourging is the central part of why that was so mysteriously sacred.)

...
After we prayed, we sadly still felt so sick emotionally, with no strength to do anything positive, because that sort of mindset likes to fuel religious paranoia and fear. So, we went on our phone and started "cleaning out" the 70-or-so tabs we had open, which-- inevitably-- were all religious articles we hadn't finished reading yet, over the past several weeks-- some from even before inpatient! But you can't rush through this stuff; it's heavy reading and it must be integrated as well.
...

We ended up biking for two solid hours, finishing around 6pm because mom called again, haha.
She wanted us to come over and help her bake, but we had to say no-- even though we felt horrible doing so, like an impudent callous brat-- explaining that it was not safe for us to go out this late, especially not to a high-activity, high-noise, overstimulating environment (which, although we love mom, is always what happens around her; it's just her energetic default).
She still wants us to come over on Friday to help her make the Polish rolls-- which we're willing to do of course, but... that's my anniversary. I don't want to spend my whole day dissociated and surrounded by bloody food when I have something infinitely more important to focus on. So... I really don't know what I'm going to do there.
...

Dinner was at 7pm, by the time we got everything prepped, because I insisted on also prepping breakfast again now and not after, again because I knew we'd have some poor disordered gal triggered out.
...

Reading Job 36 more, studying it line by line, Mimic always insisting I clarify every phrase
Phlegmoni & Galadia starting to join him in this; yesterday they were asking "hey why aren't we more involved in this? why aren't we spending more personal time with you in any case?" which is a darn good question. Honestly I think it's just because both of them have virtually no canon history. They are destined to be Leaguespacers-- Phleg is already "linked" to a nascent World-- so it's much, much harder to interact with them in headspace because they DON'T have a solid "identity" of their own yet, and if they get too much of one in headspace, it can severely damage their League-life. So we have to be very careful.
I know I will have to say "goodbye" to them both on some level, at some point. Mimic, too, inevitably-- I can feel the League calling him, and he has expressed a genuine interest in the idea of literally getting a "new lease on life" with that.
Still... I'm really liking having the three newbies around for the holidays, it's sweet.

...

After dinner, as expected, the panic-binge girl came out, and was trying to eat all the SunChips. Well Laurie was FURIOUS and was yelling at her to stop again, as was Xenophon and Mimic and me of course, but she was actively tuning them out AND shutting down her own emotions in order to mechanically continue to "pretend to eat" (yeah, she was doing the chew-spit thing again; at least she recognizes that her impulse is to bite and not eat, per se) because "I'm enjoying this" but she WASN'T. In reality I think there are wires being crossed? There's no "enjoyment" or happiness at all; there's only a false "relief" from the dissociation that occurs WHEN she forcibly shuts everything down and just does automated self-abuse-analogous behavior.
Somehow we stopped her? I think Laurie PUSHED THROUGH to half-front for a second? Because someone took the bag of chips and crushed it, to which the girl shouted "hey!!" petulantly but we said nope, if you're going to continue doing this, we are not going to keep this around, it's too dangerous. Give it to the squirrels.
So we did, literally. We went downstairs and tossed the whole bag of crumbs onto the lawn-- which, amusingly, someone else had done similarly before us, as there were cornflakes all over the place. Well hey, the critters do need to eat. So the ED girl (one of them at least, the bluer scared one) actually felt nice about this? Like she was able to not hurt us and help an animal, basically. It was like seeing the first star in a dark night; there was this new glimmer of "I can be good; I don't have to always be bad!" 
...
Going back inside, probably from eating like three or four chips in that whole hell of a process, plus the overwhelming panic, our body legit wanted to throw up. A different voice kept insisting on this, wide-eyed but emotionally detached, the panic screaming under the surface but her job was just "don't feel. stop the danger. now. do it." VERY chartreuse-feeling, which is RARE and HUGELY NOTABLE.
Still, I REFUSED. I said "I want to fight." And so I did. I told the girl we could take antacids, would that help? She numbly (thousand yard stare, poor thing) said yeah, and took three. Then I immediately brushed the teeth & got into pajamas, and although the body didn't feel any better, it helped pass the time and get us ready to just hop into bed later without further prep.
And that's when I sat down at this laptop! Honestly this is the best possible thing to do when feeling sick or upset; it is a TOTAL ATTENTION SHIFT from the outside to the inside, total detachment from whatever we're feeling, and it can easily be prolonged for hours so it keeps us completely safe.
Anyone who says "technology is the devil" has never talked to us, haha. Honestly, computers have given massive boosts to our growth in faith and psychological healing throughout our entire life.

...
I've been listening to Albert Guinovart on Spotify all evening. I forget how I stumbled across him, but his album "Nocturne" is gorgeous. I think I liked every single track. Infi loves it, too-- it's very evocative emotionally, which is entirely hir vibe.
We were listening to an Alex Futon album while we biked, or at least, we were trying to; we like three tracks on the album but the rest are so explicitly sexual it's disgusting. How the heck people have no shame in saying such things is beyond me. Whatever the "worldly" mind is in that respect, I do not want to go anywhere near it, ever. That's another big reason why I don't like to socialize-- people out there consciously think like that, and that is TERRIFYING.

...I was talking to Infinitii again today, in little focused bubbles of conversation, short but heavy.
Probably the MOST IMPORTANT THING we "realized" today, after being so disturbed & distressed by the religious reading on the bike, was that... technically, INFINITII IS THE ONLY "MOTHER" IN THE SYSTEM. Full stop. And... this makes me the only actual "father" of EVERY potential "system child."
Infinitii and I are literally two halves of the same soul. Yes, I always call Chaos 0 my "other half" but he's part of my heart. That was a choice on his part and mine; it wasn't inherent. But Infinitii is actually taken from my very being. 
I was freaking out over "canon law" about illegitimates and then I realized, hey hold up, I've never actually done anything like that. Not in reality, ever, and upstairs it's also been completely inapplicable. At least, from what I remember. God I hope so. That whole topic is so disturbing and buried in our past.
But... I can't think in depth about it, I'll have a trauma meltdown. The point I want to make is, Infinitii and I are inevitably the only "parents" of any creature that exists as a result of our CONSCIOUS INTENT TO REDEEM & RECTIFY ALL THE ABUSE, not as a pr*****cy, because we're the ones that GOT abused so directly. No one else. Yes, many others in the System do have trauma, but always from getting too close TO us IN our trauma.
I can't talk about this, I can feel our brain and body shutting down.
But yeah. Celebi and Chaos and even Genesis maybe might "influence" those children, but those kids are not biologically borne; they are from BLACKSPACE like every other Nousfoni, and their existences simply draw from the life-energy of ours that was traumatically misused in the past, for the sake OF "making something good come out of even that." The ultimate victory of light over dark. Good over evil. The triumph of love & truth despite all odds. That's why the kids exist; that's why Xenophon was in that bloody sink. They're literal living manifestations of transmutation-- of taking the blackest tar and, through love alone-- love that courageously refuses to surrender or give up-- transforming it into the most precious thing. Hearts of gold.

...Honestly, I think Infinitii is the only being EVER that I can be "married to" in a Christian sense.
Every time I read about it in light of faith, it's all about children. Marriage only applies TO that context; otherwise it's just a close personal relationship. Intimacy is meant for procreation and no matter how much I love Chaos 0 I cannot do that with him. Ever. I've tried, yeah, but it only goes halfway or I completely meltdown or he stops me or something else. Plus, biology is missing, conspicuously, and thank God for that.
Still. Infi is part of me. That's the ONLY way I'm going to have ANY sort of "male/female" interaction in a relationship; the Good Lord knows I've been genderqueer since my childhood, as well as completely repulsed by physical sexuality AND the very idea of being "attracted to people." To this day, even if I think some girls are pretty & some guys are handsome, the thought of "romance" or anything worse is loathsome. Absolutely nauseating. And yeah, I've tried to force it, especially for some girls I really care for, but I can't. It just cannot be honest, not from me. I have known since childhood that marriage is NOT my calling and also I just CANNOT be "a girl" and NEVER "a woman" but. My religious community absolutely rejects both those things. Hence the trauma.
Still... it's been repeatedly burned into my greymatter to the point where it has scarred. I still feel morally required TO be married & have kids but I CANNOT. I cannot be s*xual and I CANNOT be "female" especially not in THAT hideous context. It can never happen.
And then there's Infinitii. My daengel. Already "flesh of my flesh" in the same sense as Eve. The only "female" resonant being in the System besides Julie, who is arguably born of the same blackstuff. And yeah, Infi is female-resonant on an intrinsic level even if ze does not identify as such and that is OBVIOUS, I mean have you seen hir? It's built into hir very purpose, ESPECIALLY with all the trauma associations concerning shape alone, not to mention function. it's terrifying but that's why ze exists as ze does.

...

Oh, btw I added ALL the Leagueworlds to our Spotify playlist folders, even the ones that have barely any substance as of yet, and/or that might change completely. I still want to give them the chance to bloom & grow & evolve further via music, so literally everything is on there now, and open to contribution.
It feels... really touching, really heart-moving, to see all those worldnames listed.
I'm so glad I came up with the "bank" system for them, too. It's still in development of course, but the basics are down and it feels so much more connective & attentive. Plus it's another way to add color & faith to the numerical mechanics of things, you all know I love doing that for literally everything.

Speaking of the League! Today was the winter solstice, which means today I gave special loving thought to Halcyon Days, as I do every year. I didn't get to do anything for them, with everything else that happened, but I looked through their artwork and I thought about their story and I gave them so much love.
Honestly I think I need to take some time to just "get to know" ALL the Leagueworlds again, post-NC, because since then everything's been cut off from my memory due to the resultant legitimate trauma associated with our personal creativity in general.
But, silver linings, now we know what they're NOT. The horror forced us to see what was WRONG and it enabled us TO change. Just like in Job 36, go figure.


...
We're actually really hungry again? Why. Not even five hours after dinner and we're hungry. I don't get it. Bodies are so weird. We hit 1600k, how much more does the body want??? Are we getting the right macros but wrong sources?? Our nutritionist just gives us "general american diet" junk data which is frustrating. Inpatient did too. They assume everyone has the means & the stomach to just make casseroles & cook porkchops and order pizza and weird stuff like that. Can't think about that either; too much disturbance.
Well, in any case, hungry or not, the body will have to wait, because we promised Father S that we'd go to Bible Study after Mass tomorrow, so we have to be up at 7 and we won't get home to eat until probably 11pm, later if they decide to talk a lot. But we have everything but the eggs & broccoli ready, which only takes like 10 minutes. And, Father always offers food from his kitchen (yes the Bible Study is in the rectory, it's a beautiful old building) and he knows we're in recovery from an eating disorder so I am sure he'd let us eat a few grapes or something if we need it-- he's diabetic so we can rely on him having healthy food; Lord knows that disease runs in our family too so we must be careful.
Still... our headache is returning and we're already dizzy. That's not cool. I'll take our blood sugar before we go to sleep; if it really is getting too low, we'll have to pack an apple or something for the road. We don't want to pass out or crash.

But yes, I promised my boss I'd be in bed for midnight which gives me 11 minutes as of right now to get there.
That is nowhere near enough time to clean up this entry, but at least I made the effort to type even after the struggles of today-- if I didn't, it would snowball. This honest journaling is an intrinsic part of our healing and our hope.

Anniversary in 24 hours. Christmas in 48. God only knows what will happen, but if we keep holding on to faith hope & love, it will be beautiful.
God has never let us down, especially not for the holidays. So we can anchor our joy to that, no matter what.