weird day. not even gonna mark this one as "unfinished" even if it's unstructured because i don't have much to type today.
last night was too existentially disturbing to recover from overnight. i'm still shaken and distracted today. my sense of self is shot. i kept slipping in language AND self-perception. didn't recognize the mirror several times. so much automated behavior and memory gaps. this isn't cool.
caseworker woke me up at like 10:20? right before our alarm. biweekly checkup i guess. asked about therapy, about food, about cash, about doctors. i said we had enough food for now, therapy looks promising, all doctors are video visits for the near future, but i'm afraid to ask my payee for cash because "i fear being penalized
for asking." got that from upbringing: "you're not
allowed to ask," and "you're not
supposed to ask," culminating in "BUT now that you DID, you will be punished by our specifically denying you AND not trusting you in the future!" in other words, if i ask my payee for more money so i can wash clothes and buy winterwear and even get something "for myself"-- honestly, if i had the guts i'd ask to start putting aside savings to finally get a bloody high-polyphony midi-controller 88-key weighted keyboard, i'm trying to learn the jargon kids-- i'm terrified that she'll say, "you don't need that! is that how you spend your money? selfishly and luxuriously? well then, you WON'T get money, until I DECIDE you can, AND we're going to severely decrease what money you DO get because
you don't need that much." learn to live in poverty kiddo!! stop wanting to have things!! but the caseworker said to discuss these fears with her, and build better communication, and FIND OUT what my limits and expectations
actually are. mom called like five minutes later i think and i told her this same fear, and she said that i should "frame my requests" in a "mental health" way?? like, i want to get musical tech because it's "enrichment" and "helps combat depression and purposelessness" and same thing for other "nonessentials" like even the bloody peppermint & cinnamon oils i always put on my bed because it grounds me. frame it as "psychological aids" mom said. feels like lying, but it's not. isn't that weird? like i constantly have to "justify" WHY i want or godforbid "need" things that aren't bare-bones essentials,
and even THEN i feel so ashamed to want "more." i grew out of my clothes (still hate hate hate that) and
need new ones because right now i'm wearing the same outfits for like a week straight. they're not very warm. but "it's enough!" live ascetically boy!! you don't need more clothes. but my mom says the people in church are "gossiping" and asking "why do they always wear the same outfit?? are they that poor and/or mentally ill? won't their family help them?
why isn't the mother doing anything?" it reflects back on her and she legit keeps PUSHING
HER clothes on me. which doesn't help, just sets off trauma, but God knows i am still
genuinely grateful for her care. still it's unfair of me to claim this is "saving face" on her part. maybe part of it is but who cares. honestly she's a good woman and she loves her kids and she wants to do what she can to help. i see that and i appreciate it. i just... can't wear what she gives, either from dysphoria or fibro triggers. but i'm grateful. and with food, i mentioned that i see THAT as a luxury too, geez i shudder to think of the possible tirade i'm gonna get from our dietician tomorrow. "why are you eating the same things over and over you NEED VARIETY you NEED TO TRY NEW THINGS you NEED TO BE ADVENTUROUS" no i don't, that's hedonistic garbage talk, i HATED that about inpatient, they just kept pushing "adventurous eating" and "tackle all your fear foods" and "variety variety" and no. nope. not when you're poor and obsessive-compulsive and highly limited in both preparation time and space and means. i can't cook or boil or bake things; i do NOT trust my dissociation and i DO have a LOT of legit trauma tied to kitchens,
especially stoves and ovens. and meal-planning can honestly
keep me awake at night, sobbing in frustration as i try to figure out perfect nutritionally balanced macros and ratios and timing, while "eating everything THEY want me to eat." capital n Nope. we have it down to the
same thing every day and it works. it's easy to make, JUST like the binges were, which is WHY they were "psychologically soothing." we spent
hours just cutting and chopping and peeling vegetables (so many knives and blades. god
why do we miss that so much) and then
more hours eating them one bit at a time with chopsticks and it was all just mechanically repetitive ritualized behavior that
allowed our consciousness to SHUT DOWN. perpetual dissociation. well we're using the same basic method for different ends: now the "ritual" is automated enough for us to use that "non-thinking" space to TALK UPSTAIRS. and with xenophon ghosting,
i don't blackout dissociate anymore. God bless her. God bless EVERYONE in headspace; THEY are saving my life, thank the Lord, NOT that hellish hospital. still, it was necessary. we needed to "gain weight" solely because our body needed
something to work with after
years of running on empty. we're still pissed, yeah, but at least we're not 90 pounds. and yet i still keep watching that scale, stable since discharge, waiting for it to drop. except, now we're getting SOME VISIBLE MUSCLE TONE, just a bit but it is
evidently different from how flabby we were after sitting on our collective ass for almost nine weeks, PLUS the months of long-covid and post-loss despair. we've gotta WORK to get back in shape but we won't give up. it was
worse in 2017. yeah we were also literally starving ourselves but we didn't get very
strong as a result. striving to do the opposite now. still eat, but temperately, and get BUFF. that's the goal really.
what were we talking about. oh yeah. "non-essentials." thank GOD we had enough savings to get the exercise bike. huge expense but
essential, and they NEVER would have authorized that purchase through disability payments. so thank god again.
but yeah. limited foods now, we don't mind, but the dietician might. we'll just have to be honest and stand our ground within reason. we'll see what happens tomorrow. and DON'T LIE. no half-truths, NO empty "agreeing" to be a "good patient," NO compromises or censoring. we be HONEST. and we work WITH the doctors to do what is WISE. remember that fortune we have taped to the laptop. "do what is RIGHT, not what you "SHOULD."" discernment is key. i think i typed that exact same thing before, but it deserves a repeat. "should" is a thought distortion byproduct. don't use that language. use insight and clarity. speak up and stand up BUT be open to honest legit correction too. we're learning.
anyway. i remember we were in the kitchen for 11:11 because i saw it and smiled. we're finally seeing GOOD numbers again, not just the evil ones. it's so reassuring. maybe a silly comfort but god knows we love numbers and balance and symmetry and stuff. so that's always soothing, even just mentally in that respect, to see. feels like a message, "you're doing good. keep it up." helps a lot. whereas the
other one is "watch out, you're not thinking right, get back on the road." scary to see, but. a vital warning.
my memory is shot for today. again, it's the reeling residue from yesterday. haven't dealt with it. honestly
in shock from not only my legit WRATH meltdown with jezebel, but the similar trauma-hate conflagration over that movie. i guess that's why God pushed me to watch it. unexpected, and highly upsetting, but He knows what He's doing. how the heck
else was i gonna realize that THIS is
still a cancer in my soul? at least now we can treat it.
breakfast... oh yeah, we had one busted egg. when they crack, we just junk the yolk and add +1 white to the BK protein. it works. still feel bad about trashing the yolk, though. wonder if there's anything we can do with 'em, even just for the squirrels (google says they'll eat 'em, and they're safe for dogs too, so hey). we want to be a "good wizard," Lord knows we MUST re-read that series soon, too. we never finished it and apparently there are extra novellas and such? which is cool. but in any case we
need to print out the oath and pin it to our wall. that
will help a TON, i can guarantee you. punch entropy in the teeth son
during breakfast talk, laurie mentioned that she was going to try to "give up the profanity" for new year's
again; it's tough because that was
part of her original function and so it's almost etched into her code, so to speak. but she's shifting, especially in hue, in a
healthier way, and that doesn't really "fit" who she
wants to be anymore. so she told xenophon, "i want
you to stop me if you catch me swearing." xennie said okay, but no "swear jar," she didn't want to take any money. laurie said fine, then just punch me. xennie said no!! i can't hit you. laurie said c'mon kid, you won't hurt me. just give me a light punch even. xenophon did, really cutely, and laurie beamed and said see, that's it! and i guess xenophon, realizing this
wasn't "being mean"
and it was
helping, suddenly took on this new job with absolute adorable enthusiasm. for the rest of the morning, if laurie slipped and dropped an f-bomb xenophon would dash over and pummel her leg with her fists, just a bit. "laurie don't swear!!" it's the funniest thing. laurie is getting a total kick out of this, i can tell, but it's also humbling for her, to now be accountable to this sweet little kid in her efforts to be
less offensive towards such people. it means a lot to see, really.
i've been informed that scalpel and phlegmoni are cayenne bros because 1. it's red leaning vermilion and 2. it gives you... achy burny eyes. they find this
hilarious. they're trying to bring razor into it, but her color doesn't quite match. however i know her, she's
still red, and reds can be jokesters in their own right. blame jewel. so heaven only knows what will happen with all this, haha. i've gotta admit, part of me
does like spicy stuff too. i'm telling you, it's a red thing. jot that down in our new "color characteristic" files, honestly it's
fascinating to find stuff like this, even little things, that can be consistently measured and observed. learning! yeah! it's pretty awesome in here.
tried to biblestudy while we ate again. realized we're two days behind on that advent devotional, but we
cannot put the required spiritual focus into it if we're splitting with breakfast attention. so we smartly set it aside for the time being. unfortunately we also
dissociated for the whole meal, apparently, because i have NO recall of it at all. no problems though. xenophon and laurie make sure.
after eating we felt dizzy & tired & sick as always (still not sure if that's e.d. recovery stuff or a legit intolerance, we'll ask tomorrow if it feels safe to-- don't want to get labeled as a hypochondriac again, yes it's "boy who cried wolf" on their end but we always sincerely want advice, if we're wrong then good we just want to
know), so we brought up the bible app again. realized they have that advent-plan badge challenge going, so i found a 5-day one that was rather simple and did it all within an hour. did me a lot of good actually; i'm really learning to love some "modern" translations, like "the message" and "the passion" and "plain english version" and of COURSE hawaii pidgin. yes i will compare them to the NET and AMP and RSV and such, but... the ones that "paraphrase" sometimes add such
gorgeous new light to the message. taken as a whole, it enriches the scripture so much. it's deeply moving and i really love it. so i want to do that more. keep up on the devotional plans, especially ones that have "talk about it" or "apply this truth" bits. things that will push me to type and think and act. that's the best.
also.
finally got the guts to soft-quit tumblr.
i've wanted to for
months. the place is
SO TOXIC. the language is horrid, there's so much fighting, there's sexual depravity everywhere. no matter what blog i bring up, i'm bracing for impact, never knowing what triggers i might stumble across. it's exhausting. it's
poisoning our brain, too, which was PROVEN by the orange & yellow voices yesterday-- "bright" hues are inherently SOCIAL and as such they INTERNALIZE
ALL SOCIAL EXPOSURE,
even if it's only online.
but... it's not just that. it's the
religious mask i've put on to "fit in." it was so unconscious, and so
dissociative, that i didn't realize it was happening until i started reviewing old entries. ...it was getting to the point where i was
trying to erase my ACTUAL personality in order to be a "good christian" according to the internet. absolute disaster in progress. and... it was so dishonest. nobody knew i was queer or trans or mentally ill. nobody knew anything about my innerlife and
how deeply it affected my faith. i would believe everything i read, getting so confused with the arguments between "tradcaths" and "novus ordos" and more protestant denominations than i knew existed, not to mention the odd jew and muslim speaking up to "correct" their fellow abrahamic religion. it was insane. and the whole time, i was just "trying to be meek and cooperative," not realizing that it
also meant i was being
a total bloody LIAR. this is why all our old "friends" hated "me." i would do and say and act
however they wanted, all smiles and nods, while inside i was
hollow. like a robot. so involved in the act that i forgot who i was offstage. the fact that this was affecting my RELIGION for so long makes me sick.
inevitably it was killing my faith life. i couldn't read holy books, do bible study, or even
pray without thinking, "i need to post this to tumblr! i need to share this with everyone!" and in the process...
i wouldn't share it with myself. i became the "middleman" to my own religious experience, handing everything over to my "followers" and forgetting to keep any of it in the process. it became a performance, a
job even. it was making me
miserable, and i started to
push my faith practices away JUST so i wouldn't "have to update." it was lethal.
so. i quit. quittski. over-and-outski. i'm done. i posted an "indefinite hiatus" update there and here and just deleted the app. that's it.
now... now i can worship without feeling like
that has to be "consumable," too. i no longer feel obligated to make my faith experience "user-friendly" and "fit for a target audience." no. that's a demonic lie. but i feel forced to do the same with my art, and my music, and all my God-given talents, how ironic is that. so tired of feeling like i can't do anything
just for love. everything has to be "profitable." everything has to be "appropriate." if you're a christian you're "not supposed to be" weird or crazy or just plain
gay, for heaven's sakes. otherwise you're broken, a hypocrite, and your testimony is junk. that's terrifying. but it's
also total lies. god loves me,
exactly as i am. and yeah, i have a LOT of healing and spiritual growth to do, but... there are parts of me that are
vital to my faith that so many fellow christians would claim were
unacceptable. i cannot worship God in truth if
i can't do it with my entire heart, and that includes EVERYONE
IN IT.so. no more tumblr. avoid all that drama and distortion. everything i get from my faith, goes in this journal now. we're keeping it real.
getting a headache. probably dehydrated. i can only think of 60oz that we got down. gotta make more of an effort with that.
...obligatory sidelong glance at chaos 0, haha. you know what yes, i
do mean it both ways, why not.
he deserves his own entry. very soon. our anniversary is in one week.
one week. nineteen years.
...will i get the nerve to draw something? that means drawing
myself. i haven't done that in a very, very long time. but he's worth it.
oh, really quick. speaking of art.
i have wanted to do a serious of religious "paintings" for a WHILE now, on two topics: one, all the rosary mysteries in ways that match
our soul, so we can meditate on them and feel
truly immersed; and two... a spectrum-hue set of jesus christ, focused on His sacred heart.
honestly i want to do that so badly it
aches. i keep thinking about it. i mean, every culture portrays jesus according to their heritage-- their ethnicity, their dress, their art styles. there are gorgeous pictures of jesus as japanese, indian, native american, african, korean... beautiful, every single one. but then there's
internal "culture." i absolutely
love when i see jesus portrayed in
that context, too, but
with respect. and
that is hard to find. give me
anime jesus. give me
vaporwave jesus. give me whatever
this counts as. give me
every single thing that kokecit does. (
this is saved on my phone forever btw,and i think about
this constantly.) i'm serious. whatever your internal "vibe" is, i want to see your faith permeating every aspect of
that, too. evangelize
everything.
(btw for humor's sake
this is still one of my favorite things, it's hilariously simple and never fails to both make me laugh
and inspire me, god bless)
so. paintings. the phrase is not, "what if jesus were american, living in my time?" that's been done. but
i don't "live in" modern america, arguably. i'm so mentally weird & isolated, since childhood, that my honest "nationality" is
headspace. so i open with the question: "what if jesus were red? or blue? or violet? if He was part of this specific Spectrum hue, how would it manifest in Him?" and of course He's God so He would carry ALL the beauty of each one completely. and THAT is what i want to draw, or paint, or whatever it ends up as. but i want to express
that. the REAL face of God
in MY unique soul. how He looks to
me. i want to do that more than anything.
hm. in that case, i should start now. open a word document and start writing down notes. do some thumbnail sketches. but get moving on it.
to segue back into where we were.
gotta draw something for god's biggest work of personalized grace in my life, as it were. 19 years.
...no idea what, yet. something sincere, NOT performative. draw it for
us, not an audience. if i were to capture, in art, how i feel about us right now, at this exact time in our shared life, what would i express?
that is what i should do.
the biggest roadblock:
me.bloody dyspho/dysmo hell making
everything difficult. but suddenly i hear
infi speaking up, out of nowhere, "but jewel
that isn't the true you. it's the body you live in, but it will change with time. the core of your soul does not. you
know how that looks, no matter what the externals are. draw
that. draw how
he sees you, and always has.
that's the truth."
...that's... a really,
really solid point, and it's gutting me like a fish to be honest
"how he sees me." geez didn't he bring that up the other night, even? whatever face you have, you're still you? whatever name you have, i still know you? after how many core shifts and breaks and
deaths he's seen, bloodlines and hues both changing, my heart and his heart have stayed the same, and they're
connected. i
cannot forget that, nor can i trivialize it, because it's
astronomically important. when did we first connect? wasn't i like
15? and since then he's
known me, and i know him, even in the perfect incidents and the bloodred freakouts and all the tar & plague. no matter what, we
know each other. i kept seeing that in the old xangas, how he could tell when i "wasn't in my eyes"
and when i was slipping almost without any apparent "tells." even when
laurie couldn't quite see things were off, chaos 0 could.
he couldn't
not. his vision of me surpassed everyone else's, because he was seeing with the
heart. again, just like the fox said. "you are forever responsible for what you have tamed." i think about that a lot, too. (btw don't forget we DO have a copy of that book i think? a library reject copy, we love those. still i would love a special really old printing of it, and we STILL need to get our hands on a signed copy of fahrenheit 451. but try to explain
that to social security, haha.) what is true is not "evident," because it is too
sacred. the most real things in all the universe are only perceptible by those who
see, who look with not only open eyes but an open
heart....i need to be courageous enough to
trust in that. to trust that whatever i may "look like" right now it's
valid, because my
heart is the same. why am i so obsessed with appearances though? is THAT tied to the "i must be approved" stuff i'm struggling with in my faith too? that if i don't "look worthy of love," OR of lov
ing, then i'm NOT? like if i'm not pretty or handsome or strong or smart enough,
i don't deserve to love or be loved at ALL? that is a LETHALLY toxic internalized belief, geez.
but. it's true, that i hold it regardless. i've heard it, and experienced it, way too much. society and family both emphasized it. actually, thinking of media, that REALLY did it. i used to wonder "why do people keep talking about 'representation' in media? why is that so important?" and then i stopped and thought and realized,
oh, i have that same problem, and it hurts. growing up, and even now, i NEVER see characters that are like me. not in appearance, not in personality, not in life... or rather, i never see
good characters like "me." if someone is red, it's usually shorthand for "dangerous" or "wild" or "sexy." if someone is "crazy," or heaven forbid "multiple," they're murderous and insane and
dehumanized. no one is shaped like me. no one talks like me. no one is trans-neutral, no one is asexual yet amorous, no one is in love with a monster and male-presenting. at least, if such "representation" exists, i sure haven't seen it. and yeah it sounds whiny and trivial but honestly it just makes me feel... unreal. i have enough problems with reality, i don't need the world at large acting like i
shouldn't exist. why am i even venting about this? oh yeah. scared of drawing myself, especially in the anniversary context.
but you know what, if there's no "representation" i don't care. that just means i need to make the first move.
in any case i must, i must refuse to hide this for that reason. i'm tired of forcing myself to deny or downplay what i feel because it's "shameful" or "stupid" or "something i have to keep secret."
why. i'm tired. i want to
live in this light and color like i used to, back when life was focused on headspace, and i didn't
care about "the world's opinion." i only care about God's opinion, and He has never objected to my honestly loving
anyone, as long as He still gets priority. but God would
never tell someone "don't love anyone BUT me." that goes against all His commandments. no. we've gotta glorify Him in ALL things, no exceptions, and that IS possible and it's BEAUTIFUL. but you can't do that if you're
constantly afraid of human judgment. you cannot see clearly then. if you strive to keep your heart pure, that's all you can do. pray and then just
love, always.
i am so tired. it's 1am.
i noticed it's hard to type during the day, mostly because journaling "has to happen at the end" so it's all included and cohesive. but it's also because everything gets quiet and dark and introspective. perfect for going inside oneself. winter is a big blessing in that respect.
oh, oh dude last daily update things. this is important.
first let me backtrack. i lost a lot of time this evening due to exhaustion? i was on our phone, but what was i even doing? reading? researching? i sat down on the couch at one point. mimic showed up and just sat down by it, doing his own thing. surprised me, really. didn't expect his company, especially not at his own decision. i mentioned "i'm probably not gonna read tonight, dude, i'm too tired. my brain needs a break." he said that's cool, he wasn't there asking for anything, just "checking in." chillin' really. but still, he was nearby. which was... how do i say. nice? strange? both?
octupi are solitary creatures. they don't live long. they're
super intelligent. but they're not particularly social, at least, not in our world. they have no real reason to be. their lives are naturally solitary. despite their intelligence and inquisitiveness and playfulness, even, their lives in the wild appear to be mostly... survival.
mimic is curious, more than anything. he likes to learn things. he wants that intel, as it were. he's genuinely interested, but... interpersonal connections aren't "typical" for him. not like for a wolf, or a monkey, or a lion. but interestingly, hedgehogs allegedly are solitary critters too, in this world. so who knows?
i'm solitary, too. plus i'm aroace no matter how i try to force otherwise. i have to come to terms with that. "interpersonal connections"
are tricky for me, even when i
do love people, because getting "close" and "involved" is
distressing psychologically and physically. again, "how much of this is trauma" BUT mind you, even as a
child i
REFUSED to socialize. when i
did, like in preschool, i was the
boss. and i was
mean. i didn't want "friends," i just wanted people to do what i wanted. to get things done and then leave. don't chat with me, don't play games, don't invite me to parties unless it means i get to play games and eat free food and leave whenever i want. i
was not a nice kid. except i
was. except i still cared,
deeply so, and even when i grumbled over it i did chores for grandma and said my prayers and kissed my brothers on the cheek. sometimes i did it without being asked. point is, even as i grew up and somehow became "kinder"-- no idea how, maybe just the grace of God-- i
still didn't want to hang out with people. EVEN when i got that massive crush on alexandria. even though i wanted to be her "best friend" i don't think i knew what that would be
like. but i wanted to be
with her. that was SO NEW. and yet... i never got close to her. always did everything backhanded, sneaky. i stole her stuff just to have her things with me. looked through her desk and bookbag when she wasn't around just to "get a glimpse" of her personal life. things like that. never actually
interacting. the thought of
talking, of
socializing, EVEN with her, was repugnant. and yet i was a
chatterbox. i monologued. but i talked to the fourth wall. i didn't
intend to be responded to, unless it was in questions. everything a business transaction. i'd never get a coffee with you. except... maybe with alexandria. and then i'd let
her do the talking, probably. but then what? how would i sustain that? would it be once a year on valentine's day and then i'd bail? recover for the next 364 days? why am i so isolatory, and yet i can't help but
care about people even if i don't know how to acknowledge or act on it properly? without putting on a mask and burning myself out? this isn't the place to think about that. brain too fuzzy. but still. good that it's brought up. more introspection to do.
nevertheless. because both he and i are a bit averse to being in groups, especially in consistently interactive ones, i genuinely don't know if mimic will stick around, based on his own demeanor, and the overall atmosphere of headspace. plus, outspacers, man. they
don't "stay in headspace" in
any case. they just visit. they drop in, say hi, get up to speed if they're interested, but always go back to where they came from-- ideally, a leagueworld. and there
is space for mimic, if he makes that final decision
to stay, to have this "other life" in another world.
even so. i do like him. he's taught me a lot, and he's a fascinating guy. challenging, yes, but i think that's a big part of
why i like him. i mean heck, look at me and laurie. i like that bit of an edge. but there always needs to be that ability to put the knife
down, as it were. headspace does enable that, true; it empowers such changes. but receptivity and choice are still key factors. i don't know dude, we'll see what happens. point is, if he does leave, i'll be grateful to have known him for a little while, and i will miss him. but he wouldn't be the first outspacer-potentiate to have left, either. it happens. i don't forget any of them. if they were to walk back in, even like two decades later, they'd be welcomed as if they never left. that's love, too.
just a brief mention that dinner was 7pm (we're only eating two meals a day; BK is ~900 and DN is ~600, it works) and although i was
still so darn dissociated, somehow that also prevented socials from kicking in??? so count your blessings i suppose. succeeded in writing a daily devotional response while i ate so that's posted here. other than that i just talked to xenophon, i love her so so so much, i always share the eggs and fortune cookies with her, she makes my life feel so meaningful.
quick interjection there. yesterday i was seething over how "creeped out" i am by "mothers" and babies. i don't think that's as true as it felt then, thank god. yes i have trauma around sexuality and motherhood both, which extends to the babyphobia. i've been writing about this here & there since
high school, i am clearly aware of that.
but... i still love my mom. and i still stand in awe of the love of mothers. even if i don't understand the "maternal" bit, and even if i freak out around babies, honestly i
don't hate them. if there's anything i "hate" it's just stupid physical things that frighten me. it's not the
person. and it breaks my heart to even
have this dissonance. i just want to
love. but... girls scare me, for the most part. no,
femininity scares me. it's all fear of sex. i know that. i'm trying to come to terms with it & cope. but it's... existentially rattling. big trauma trigger. shook me up bad. gotta bring it up in therapy.
HOWEVER. the segue.
last night, after all that hellish typing, god gave me another nudge. i opened a new tab and the top "pocket" recommendation was... lab mice. specifically
john calhoun's mice. as in NIMH.
and today, i announced it was movie night again, and we watched it. mrs brisby & the rats of nimh. one of my childhood favorite films.
DEAR GOD
THANK YOU FOR THE NUDGE, I NEEDED THIS
SO MUCH
now
that mouse is a REAL woman. i know that sounds funny, but she
doesn't scare me at ALL. not just because she's a mouse, but she's
completely nonsexualized. her personality is sweet and kind. she speaks quietly and politely. she is well-mannered and mature and honorable. and she is STUNNINGLY BRAVE. this mouse-lady would literally FIGHT DEATH FOR THE SAKE OF HER KIDS. and THAT is
motherhood. THAT is what it means TO be a mother. it has
nothing to do with american white-woman culture and all its bizarre nauseating trappings. no. motherhood is what mrs brisby personifies-- sweetness, gentleness, care, affection, and COURAGE so true it conquers all, because it's
fueled by SHEER LOVE. her kid gets pneumonia and she is willing to go to the ends of the earth to save him. she tries to disarm a freaking
tractor. she drugs a CAT. she visits an OWL knowing full well he might
eat her. and the whole time, EVEN when she is literally SHAKING with fear, she doesn't break. she doesn't chicken out. she doesn't even
panic. her attitude is astoundingly level because at its core she is
determined to do anything for her kids. and so nothing can actually rattle her, because she has set her little furry face like
iron against every possible opposition. and she WILL overcome every single opposition because
she's a mom, and that's what moms
do. honestly it was incredible. i love this movie. i haven't seen it since i was like 5. i am so glad we watched it again at last, today of all days. it was exactly what i needed.
but oh boy. boy oh boy. we got our two solid hours of biking in and THEN,
right when nimh ended, god reaches out to elbow me in the ribs via tubi tv and says "hey kiddo, uh, do you wanna watch this movie next?" and slides a little banner over.
it's
the last unicorn.my FAVORITE MOVIE
OF ALL TIME. I gasped and clicked it immediately and told everyone, we are watching the first 10 minutes at
least, i am NOT postponing this absolute treasure.
oh lord i am going to
cry my eyes out with both joy and pain, i used to
loop this film as a kid, it was like my heart on the screen. i freakin'
love amalthea, and molly, and even schmendrick, and that "circus" scene is BURNED into my brain, as is that drunken skeleton, and the RED BULL oh man i am
hype i
cannot wait to see it all again. i don't "remember" it either (thanks dissociation and i
mean it) so this will be like... watching it for the first time all over again. thank you god. oh thank you. this is healing too, i've
never been afraid of a child
or a lady in these old cartoons, i mean geez mrs brisby's kids were
so precious even when they were misbehaving, why do i have that problem with
humans?? is it really all just trauma? that "threat" of "you know how kids are made, well you're
doomed to that fate and you cannot escape"? can't type about that now.
oh man but this movie. i can't wait.
oh. before i forget. jeremy the crow. he reminds me a lot of batty from ferngully (MY MAN, how in heaven's name was he not an outspacer even back then, i freakin'
loved that crazyhead) and, yes, at one point (with the "sparkly" and with the strings) he gets "crazy eyes." bluth-style, which is BOSS and means he looks like
Genesis does. here,
look. honestly i love it, there's something weirdly... beautiful? about it. thesaurus isn't helping me. but when characters get those multi-iris-ring eyes, which
only happens when they're slipping just a
liiiittle bit out of sanity, well. it both terrifies me, and fascinates me. ...i know what it's
like, is why. i know the dangers,
and the... well, it's like a drug. i'll put it bluntly. when
i'm in that state, it's on the edge between two kinds of "crazy": the lunatic kind, and the "love" kind. now that's for
me, not necessarily for the cartoons, but. same feeling. it's a visual signal for someone being "actively mental" and that can be good
or bad, because it means that they're no longer in total "control" of what they're doing. the programming is offline. it's just brainwaves baby, intense to the point of insane, and the reason why it goes to your
eyes is 1. windows to the soul and 2. that's
all you can see. it's a sort of hyperfocus state. no casualness about it. when
i get the "ringy eyes" it means
something has transfixed my consciousness
so keenly that it has rendered me almost
high from it? geez how do i explain. jeremy sees the sparkly and just goes bonkers over it. transfixed. the wide-eyed bit is what scares me; that's the sign for me personally threatening
unhinged behavior. it's
so intent on whatever has triggered that hyperfocus that it
loses the ability to really reason. it's not malevolent, no, just dangerous. it can also be a sign of
panic, which happens in the scene when the kids are tying him back up (can't find it online)? but! it's the wide eyes. when they're
not wide, like in the sparkly scene where he slumps over and just kind of dazedly smiles at the gem,
that to me is the "crazy" going the
other way. not manic anymore, not frantic, but
still that hyperfocus and obsession except now it's
disarmed? in either case though it's
intense feeling, but it's not a permanent state, not usually, at least not in the films i've seen. but not so in headspace! genesis is the poster boy for this, but i'm pictured standing right next to him as it were. it's in the league a lot. man i am really ranting here, i guess because to be totally frank with you this is a topic
very close to my heart, and pun fully intended. i'll have to revisit this topic later when i think about it more and also find more external examples, get my vocabulary together, because i think how i perceive it is still different than how it is intended canonically, at least halfway. which is normal, haha. still. gets me introspective. helps me learn more about us, and how we work and think.
btw the voice-acting in nimh was IMPECCABLE. oh and NICODEMUS!! his glowy eyes! and
he's beautiful too, oh man, and his personality is so so sweet.
look at how he
moves too, it's
fantastic. i love his character. big weakness for the wise old creepy-nice dudes. same with the good-hearted kinda-loony goofballs, and the strong but gentle gals of honor who would move the world for family & friends. these oldschool cartoons, man. god bless 'em, they make life so much brighter.
but. lastly. it's 2am and i must write this down, and to pull some topics back together.
the butterfly.
as a kid,
he scared me, because he feels like
word salad at first. (also the march music doesn't help; THAT scares me more than the randomosity!) i've only ever experienced that kind of mad-tatter speech in situations where something is
very very wrong, so it's a kneejerk fear. but then... you realize there's some sort of bizarre
sense underpinning all the babble, an order to the chaos, and isn't that relevant because he
says something and it hit me like a
shot, and has me staggering even now.
he's talking to amalthea. fluttering around and quoting song lyrics and poems. a few that struck hard already. a bit from "how deep is the ocean." "you're my everything." "when you are old." even the (apparently shakespeare) "fishmonger" reference, which struck us only because of our
own old injokes. it
sounds random but looking it all up, there's all references to love and war and loss and trying to get something back... and all of it being about
one, one person, one life, one special thing, the very last, the very only. brilliant, really.
but then. there's
that one line."Your name is a golden bell hung in my heart. I would break my body to pieces to call you once by your name."...and i just
stopped. stopped everything. the video, the bike.
reeling....
that line coming from a
blue butterfly of
all things, talking to a
unicorn,
blue is trust, loyalty, honesty, peace. sadness and grief. the sky and the sea and the winter chill. constancy. fidelity. communication.
butterflies are souls. free and fragile. symbols of hope and transformation. resurrection. life after apparent death and destruction. hope.
unicorns are
grace. purity. innocence. healing. virginal love. gentle yet fierce. rare & powerful. visible only to those who search and trust.
"for the love it bears to fair maidens, it forgets its ferocity and wildness..."come on you know me already, the parallels i'm drawing are
obvious.but... the bit about the
name,how can i summarize this. it's 3am. lots of research going on in the background.
every time i imagine "meeting him" here, anywhere, for the first and millionth time, it's
always hallmarked by our
names. "say you know me."
time and time again. which world is this now, do i know you from my dreams, what face is yours, what
name?
i'd recognize you anywhere, but who am
i? fluttering around and speaking in riddles, you this eternal beloved thing. my golden bell. the song my heart will always remember. but i can't
say it, if only, if only you were here
to call by that beloved name, i would--
"no, no, listen. don't listen to me, listen."babbling on and on as i always do. what am i speaking in circles around? isn't it always you? my only one?
ah i'm taking this too far but i don't care. it's a springboard, a beautiful launchpad and i'm shooting for the stars as always, for those planets with rings that were always shorthand for that name i couldn't confess aloud.
just once, could you imagine? every bell in this cathedral set to singing. you're the only thing i would break for.
gotta sleep. gonna get 8 hours just in time for our doctor's appointment, good timing you lunatic. gonna shatter that crazy moon and turn it into a ring, spinning spinning, all ice and diamonds and embracing you forever, why not get poetic, it's almost 4am anyway.
aah but i'm blessed. you know i really
don't call him by name often. too sacred, somehow. requires cracks in the armor, all of it, lined with gold. bells.
well why not, our daughter is a butterfly anyway.
close the cover before striking. got a sparkly of my very own. good lord i'm delirious, haha. sleep deprivation!
honestly though. trying not to be afraid of sounding like a lovedrunk idiot, because i am, so why not be sincere about it. nevertheless good seeds. focus on the good, on the light. let that illuminate everything else. thanks be to god. it's still snowing. there's hope for everybody, hope for me, somehow i'm sure. have faith, have faith. dedicate myself to love in every aspect and set my life on fire. warm my heart up again. bring that light to everything. don't be afraid.
rambling now. as if i already wasn't. trying to conclude with what i'm feeling
hope, just so much hope, with a determination as red as blood, and just as life-giving,
lord give me strength. and grace. and an open heart. help me to remember who i am, truly, please.
i want to be good. i want to be a light in the dark. i want to do everything for love. for everyone. courage of the heart.
that's red. that's
me.exhausted. sunrise will come. tomorrow brings... who knows?
life, life, life, life.
music.
and love.
gotta sleep before i can get there though!
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