prismaticbleed: (held)

For lack of a better term: all these individuals were the "default fronter" in musical settings, and may have been splinter cores. Nevertheless the ties to music as a whole speak to a great significance in the System function.

(later note: yeah we started this for music but it's become SO MUCH MORE than that. still, music is an unexplored and important anchor, ESPECIALLY FOR MEMORY.)

(another note: SOME OF THESE KIDS (like jarda & jheriz) WERE OBVIOUSLY NOT CORES. THEY HAD HYPERSPECIFIC FRONTING CIRCUMSTANCES, usually tied TO their music banks. That means there WAS a Bloodline EXTANT PARALLEL TO THEM.)

(AN EXTREMELY IMPORTANT NOTE: I was wondering why there seem to be frontliners that ONLY fronted for musical circumstances? Well that is ACTUALLY CORRECT. They existed as a very specific subspecie of corpufoni, MEANT to be COMPLETELY ISOLATED from ALL other bodybased activity, INCLUDING THE SOCIALS. These unique "music fronters" literally existed ONLY to listen to music. That was HOW WE SURVIVED. They existed in this bubble of wonder and untouched joy that probably kept us alive during the trauma that we were completely unable to process at the time.)

------------------------------------------

ARTISTS THAT NEED TO FIND THEIR ASSOCIATED CORE/PSEUDO/SOCIAL &/OR DEFINITIVE TIME PERIOD(S):
  • COUSTEAUX
  • EW&F (definitely an elementary kid, but when?)
  • The Flashbulb (iTunes era?)
  • Jukebox the Ghost (BEFORE the massacre)
  • Beirut (Last.fm era for sure)
  • Brian Setzer (high school obsession, but whom?)
  • Empire of the Sun (BEFORE SLC??)
  • Everything Everything (BEFORE Scalpel)
  • Daley (NIGHT FRONTER.)
  • Allen Stone (Flairousia summer)
  • Imogen Heap (Oneircia era)
  • Hauschka
  • Bersarin Quartett (very unique era and particular person)
  • Orson (One of the radio kids?)
  • PUNCH BROTHERS (I know it was Jay, but when?)
  • Hiatus Kaiyote



SUPER OLD "ORIGINAL KID?" MEMORIES: 1993-1995?? The absolute earliest child. The spark of every flame to come after.
"JESSILYN." The ORIGINAL given-name kiddo and honestly the ONLY person with the RIGHT to that name. I don't think we had any pseudonyms at this point because we didn't see ourself as an individual yet, and certainly not "human." We kinned dragons & unicorns & bats & pterosaurs. Our color was magenta. It was a very different time of life.
Liked Winnie the Pooh, Mighty Mouse, the Pink Panther, Babar, Dudley the Dragon, and the MAGIC KISSING DRAGONS (1994). We remember seeing those IN STORES and begging mom for them.
Very sweet kid. DREW THE "BABY EATERS" THOUGH.
We have very little first-person EXTERNAL memory of being this child. What we do remember has to do with either extreme emotions (those baby-eaters) or our IMAGINATION, notably with our "DREAM FRIENDS"-- at this point being Unisalia, My Cobra & his band, and the original JEWEL ALIENS & JEWEL DINOSAURS!!!
Her music largely comes from listening to cassette tapes in bed with grandma.
"Solid anchor in HOME, no internal self-presence yet. Her life clung hard to every warm note of safety she heard in these songs.”

  • ENGELBERT HUMPERDINCK
  • PAUL ANKA
  • ANDY WILLIAMS
  • NEIL SEDAKA
  • BARRY MANILOW
  • RITA COOLIDGE

OLDEST MEMORIES: 1996-1997? 1995-1998? Pre-social childhood.
"ARBUTUS" codename. Sense of self tied to CHILDHOOD HOME LIFE. Key "image" is the arbutus flowers in the yard when we went exploring, and the wisteria bush outside our bedroom window. Also tied to the scent of the cream-flower bedding, the old yellow rug, the ivory cushion bench we would hide stuff in, the old standup bathroom mirror, etc. ANCIENT memories.
INDOORS & NON-SOCIAL CORE!!!! Also MAGENTA CORE?
EXTREMELY CREATIVE KID, because living inside & without social contact/ close parenting, her days were saturated with MEDIA. She is NOT anchored in the home, but in that MEDIA!!
Her music still comes from listening to cassette tapes in bed with grandma, mostly. We had virtually no other non-movie exposure.
DRAGONHEART WAS 1996 AND WE REMEMBER IT!!!
She also has ties to HERCULES (toys were 1996), GUMBY (1995), PRETTY PIGGIES, CARE BEARS, STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE, FERNGULLY, WE'RE BACK, THE SECRET OF NIMH, THE LAST UNICORN, THE BRAVE LITTLE TOASTER, and THE LAND BEFORE TIME (ozzy and strut are an injoke TO THIS DAY).
Don't forget the oddly notable impact we also had from the Chipmunks Adventure, Pooh's Grand Adventure, the Rescuers, Tubby the Tuba, Raggedy Ann & Andy's Musical Adventure, and the Jetsons movie!
Books were ANIMORPHS (1996), WHISPER THE UNICORN, "THE DRAGONS ARE SINGING TONIGHT," and "DRAGONS AROUND THE WORLD." All hugely influential.
She ALSO had the FIRST VIDEO GAME EXPOSURE with ECCO THE DOLPHIN!!!
POKEMON DID NOT EXIST YET!!!!!
LEAGUEWORLDS WERE MY COBRA, ZIMBO THE ALIEN, THE SNEAKERS, and THE UNICORNS
  • Kid's movie soundtracks

SCHOOL MEMORIES BEGIN: 1998-2000?
"WISTERIA". COLOR SHIFTED FROM PINK TO PURPLE. This kid has LIFE in her!
She shares house-environment feelings with Arbutus, BUT THIS KID ALSO HAS SOCIAL MEMORY. Arbie did NOT.
Pokemon hit at last, and schoolmates start to bring their music in.
LOTS OF BOOKS AND TELEVISION, from the school library and mom, respectively.
This was BEFORE video games became a solid part of our life!!! So there was NO STABLE "FOUNDATION" TO BLOOM FROM at this point, BUT we could feel it when Pokemon started arriving on classmate's lunchables boxes, haha.
Her sense of self was SHIFTING & FRAGMENTED and we saw only glimpses of it in her creative writing.
THIS WAS THE FURBY KID (CHRISTMAS 1998)!!!
SHE ALSO LOVED TAMAGOTCHI ANGELS (1998), DIGIMON (JAN 1998), BEANIE BABIES (BATTY WAS 1997, STINGER WAS 1998), MLP G2 (1998), ASTEROIDS PS1 (1998; arguably our FIRST GAMES), A BUG'S LIFE (1998), and STAR TREK VOYAGER (8472 into 1998).
SHE ALSO HAD A "POCKET PIKACHU" (1999) AND TOOK IT EVERYWHERE.
Also Jason & the Argonauts?? I think this was when mom started to show us more "adult" movies.
BOOKS were mainly ANIMORPHS, Goosebumps, but also THE PRINCE OF WHALES!!!!
  • 101 STRINGS???
  • Lying on mom's bed and listening to "Instrumental Gold" on loop with the bros
  • Some stuff from mom & dad: the Beatles, Kenny Loggins, Jeff Beck, Bruce Mitchell, etc.
  • Bruce Mitchell

THE VERY FIRST JEWEL LIGHTRAYE: 2000-2002?
WE FINALLY GAIN A DISTINCT & TRUE SENSE OF SELF and she's a RED CORE.
Moralimon is our LIFE at this point.
MARCH 2000 WE MET CELEBI!!!!
JULY 2000 WAS THE POKEMON 2000 MOVIE. This was referenced in the POKEWORLD-WAR JOURNALS.
OCTOBER 15TH 2000 WAS POKEMON SILVER. We bought it ASAP after the release.
APRIL 2001 WAS THE THIRD MOVIE. WE REMEMBER SEEING IT!!!! That is UNHEARD OF!!!
THIS WAS ALSO WHEN WE GOT KLONOA and that CHANGED OUR ENTIRE LIFE
Other games: RIPTO'S RAGE was HUGE (2000), also Rayman? (1999), Buzz Lightyear (2000), and the racing games we would just go wild with haha. We'd customize cars for Moralimon and then purposely drive backwards on the track SOLELY to smash into other cars in the most dramatic way possible.
BIONICLE WAS 2001!!!! That was an ABSOLUTELY MONUMENTAL INFLUENCE TOO.
So were our books-- this era included A WIND IN THE DOOR, YOUNG WIZARDS, THE SEVENTH TOWER, DELTORA QUEST, and BALINOR!!
WALKMAN DAYS!! ALSO the days of the MIXTAPES!!!
SHE WORE THE POCKET PIKACHU 2 (2001) EVERYWHERE. That was attached to our belt, nonstop, for YEARS. She adored it.
THIS WAS THE TIME PERIOD OF THE WS MUSIC CAMP, aka our HUGE CRUSH ON HOLLI, and the FIRST TIME WE SANG. We were hooked for life, on both choir and cute chicks, haha.
ALSO, REMEMBER, STARTING AUGUST 2001 WAS POKEMON CRYSTAL AND WE HAVE CARDIOPHAGY MEMORIES TIED TO THAT. This Jewel was the REAL DEAL, ALL THE WAY THROUGH.
Lastly, the most important distinction to remember with this kid? SHE WAS NOT A TEENAGER, and she was NOT INTERACTIVE ONLINE!!!! SHE SPENT ALL HER TIME TYPING FOR THE LEAGUE.
Jewel was an absolute creative force; her imagination was unstoppable.
  • The key to remembering her tunes: JEWEL MONSTERS. Probably lots of mom-given stuff.
  • BASIA & GLORIA were BOTH Moralimon "karaoke" songbanks.
  • Windham Hill samplers
  • Yanni
  • GEORGE WINSTON
  • WINDHAM HILL
  • "PREMIERE" piano album
  • ELO???? Remember it was first the OST for SYNDOULOID!!!!! Try to feel out those memories for a timestamp!

arguably "CRYSTAL"??? the first SOCIAL SPLINTER of a Jewel??? 2001-2002??
Although existing at the same time as Jewel, JEWEL WAS INTERNALLY BASED. She existed vividly, but ONLY IN LEAGUE CONTEXTS!!! On the outside, SOMEONE ELSE WAS FRONTING WITH FAMILY & SCHOOL. We're thinking THIS is that kid.
Her music is therefore influenced by WHAT MOM PLAYED WHEN DRIVING. I think the key distinction would be that THESE songs WERE LARGELY NOT TIED TO THE LEAGUE (they didn't often match the vibe)-- and we ONLY HEARD THEM WHILE IN A CAR.
She is also POWERFULLY TIED TO THAT MUSIC CAMP as a result of the drives up & back.
  • BASIA, notably "The Sweetest Illusion," during that awful porch summer with mom cleaning
  • Grand Funk Railroad
  • Eagles
  • Boston
  • Oliver
  • k d lang??

THE "RUBY" JEWEL: 2002-2003?
Her time period is SUPER INTERESTING.
On one hand, SHE was the kid who FIRST got the crushes on RYOU & MARIK, in which her vibe feels VERY similar to the original Jewel-- it was LEAGUE-BASED. She began to write CROSSOVER COMICS/FICS in which she was hailing FROM THE DREAM WORLD, AS A WORLDJUMPER. She was not yet "LINKED" to anyone yet; she was only just unspooling the thread!!!
Her personal journal (the "daffodil" one) became MANIC in tone in 2004, BUT IMMEDIATELY PRIOR IN 2003, it was MARKEDLY sweeter and more sentimental, and it is ALSO where she drew herself sitting under that tree WITH RIO, with her Klonoa hair BUT in her "NEW OUTFIT". Even then we remember feeling a personality-anchor change inside. Her personality was SPLITTING and it was VERY OBVIOUS.
SHE WAS A TEEN AND IDENTIFIED AS SUCH. THE ORIGINAL JEWEL DID/DOES NOT!!!
SHE ALSO STOPPED TYPING for the most part, as her ENTIRE FUNCTION QUICKLY SHIFTED FROM THE LEAGUE TO HEARTSPACE!!!!!
WAS SHE THE ONE WHO STARTED THE "~thoughts~" FILE??? (HAD TO BE-- it was PKMN/LEAGUE aesthetics, and the first entry in there she IDENTIFIES AS CELEBI. GO CHECK DATES)
As for notable dates:
Yugioh began airing 2002, with Battle City beginning in NOVEMBER 2002. That was when we got into it; the previous Jewel AVOIDED IT out of "rivalry"; it was either YGO or PKMN and she chose the latter. (This is ALSO why we NEVER had a Digimon-core; our "exclusive loyalty" mindset prevented that)
Pokemon Ruby was also released in MARCH 2003. That was HER ANCHOR GAME. She also "had a crush on Blaziken" which is notable.
SHE WAS NOT INTO SONIC YET. SHE WAS STILL 100% POKEMON.
OH YEAH BUT SHE PLAYED STARCRAFT. That affected the League more than anything at first.
APRIL 27TH 2003 WAS THE CHER FAREWELL TOUR!!!
WE HAD A PURPLE BOOMBOX and a PORTABLE CD PLAYER as well as our trusty Walkman.
This kid BEGAN TO GO THROUGH MOM'S CD COLLECTION, which exposed us to SO MUCH NEW STUFF.
A HUGE DISTINCTION: THIS KID DIDN'T HAVE ACCESS TO INTERNET MUSIC YET!!!!!
HOWEVER WE WERE ONLINE NOW. She also started our NEOPETS ACCOUNT!
Don't forget, she was ALSO MORALIMON FOCUSED-- but THIS was when PART TWELVE HAPPENED, which shifted EVERYTHING in a much more emotionally raw direction. Also VEZ.
ALSO THIS WAS THE FIRST CORE TO OPENLY ACKNOWLEDGE BEING MULTIPLE!!! This was because HEARTSPACE OPENED UP and she began to exist as a person IN FIRST PERSON, instead of third!!!
LASTLY, remember how I mentioned Starcraft? THIS IS ALSO WHEN WE MET WALDORF!!!
  • Pokemon OSTs
  • CHER obviously
  • ENRIQUE IGLESIAS (2002)
  • LA BOUCHE???? I think that was HER, because SHE was the FIRST "radio kid" technically, but ALL HER TUNES WERE MORALIMON ASSIGNED. Not so for the later kids; that switched to HEARTSPACE!!!

CELEBI, NOT CELEBREON, WAS OUR POKE2/MEWACHU PRESENCE ONLINE.
Her vibe was tied to JEWEL, NOT HOSEKI.
2001-2002, arguably?
NO ONE HOLDS HER MEMORIES. Even when we visit her old websites, WE HAVE NO FIRST-PERSON RECALL. Her vibe is TOTALLY DIFFERENT than anyone else's. Literally NO ONE HOLDS THOSE MEMORIES BUT HER. They are shockingly hyper-exclusive.
WE WERE FULLY AWARE SHE WAS "SOMEONE ELSE" IN OUR HEAD. We clearly remember CHANNELING writing "from her perspective" and being disconcerted as to "why it didn't sound/feel like us." SWITCHINESS BRO. But yeah this was 2002.
Remember she was LEAGUE-ANCHORED and LIVED IN THE MORALIMON WORLD.
  • I THINK SHE WAS THE ONE OBSESSED WITH "CELTIC" STUFF??? (Bruce Mitchell)

The FIRST Jewel-splinter took over as the "main" Social, and that was CELEBREON!!!
HER time period was 2004.
Remember we were ACTIVELY IDENTIFYING AS NONHUMAN DURING THIS TIME-- when we tried to draw ourself AS "JEWEL," IT DIDN'T PING. (Remember the "Christmas outfit" existential crash!) WHICH IS BIZARRE BUT HUGELY IMPORTANT TO REMEMBER.
She feels UNIQUELY SEPARATE from ALL the "Jewel" splinters!!!!
Her memories begin in LATE SEVENTH GRADE and STOP IN EIGHTH GRADE!!!!
ALSO. Remember this was when we wrote PaRS for school, and we were a self-insert... AS CELEBREON.
  • CHER. For some reason SHE feels tied to that era even moreso than Ruby.


THE "SPINNINGCANNON" BLOODLINE IS BORN: 2004
TECHNICALLY A TEMPORARY BLOODLINE NAME "SHIFT" TO "HOSEKI"???

(THERE ARE DISTINCTIONS HERE THAT NEED TO BE CLARIFIED. THERE WERE SEVERAL INDIVIDUALS HERE-- THE "JEWEL" BASE, THE HOSEKI SHIFT, AND BLACKBERRY)

HOSEKI = “2004? The end of the GBA era, as we moved into the internet era. The first SHIFT in the Jewel bloodline.”

BLACKBERRY = “2004! Our first fully online Core, after Hoseki laid the foundation. But this kid was FULL TIME ANIME.”
SHE WAS “MEW BLACKBERRY.” I THINK this is also the “Jewel” that drew herself with Genesis in the old diary?? She looked TOTALLY DIFFERENT from anyone before.
Also, WAS "BLACKBERRY" OUR "FLCL" KID???
They were NOTABLY out around CHRISTMAS, listening to the OSTS, which were released in LATE 2004, and we remember someone buying it NEW at FYE. So this was LATE 2004- LATE 2005, and this is a VERY DISTINCT VIBE. 
WE KNEW GENESIS in that vague memory when we were blasting "Penalty Life" while putting up the Christmas tree with grandma!


JEWEL-SPCN = “2004. Chaos 0 and J-Rock. Our heart was waking up.”


OUR FIRST FULLY "ONLINE" CORE. ALSO OUR FIRST "VIDEO GAME" CORE!!!
LOTS OF ANIME EXPOSURE. "Sailor X," "Mew Blackberry," etc.
Her main distinction is that she was SELF-ANCHORED. ALL of her true associations were LINKS. If she got into a fandom, she LITERALLY "GOT INTO" IT!!!
Starting to branch out into "non-family" music, thanks to the internet AND now having BOTH permission to be more "free" in public AND an earned "allowance" to buy stuff at Waldenbooks & FYE (instead of Pokemon cards, which the previous Jewel spent her music cash on).
HUGE shift in personality; with high school on the horizon, and queer feelings under the rug, this kid was a quick but notable "break" from the "Ruby" Jewel, shifting hard focus from the LEAGUE to FANDOMS.
Remember her Freewebs site; she was SHEER HYPER MANIA... BUT WITH MANIA COMES RAGE.
SHE WAS OUR FIRST EVER "CORE" TO HAVE A DARK SIDE.
This was also the SONIC CHAT era, which says a LOT about her state of mind.
MEDIA: FFI, SONIC BATTLE, BIONICLE MASK OF LIGHT, STARCRAFT BROOD WAR, DOKAPON, SONIC ADVANCE 3!!! She also got Pokemon Emerald but DIDN'T LIKE IT. She also CLEARLY "REMEMBERS" NOT FEELING LIKE THE SAME "JEWEL" FROM RUBY. She even named her team differently, which was MONUMENTAL.
MANGA & ANIME: SAILOR MOON, FLCL, CHRONO CRUSADE, TOKYO MEW MEW, DI GI CHARAT, X/1999, GUNDAM SEED, DRAGONBALL Z. Just learning what anime was and we LOVED IT.
THIS WAS THE SONIC INVERSION YEAR, when it became a legit World of its own.
This was ALSO the "CHIBIKERRIGAN" YEAR.
IT'S ALSO THE LOTR & POTC YEAR, and those four latter fandoms were ALL BONDING WITH VIRAL.
Something else that's key: I THINK SHE FIRST WORE THE "CATHEDRAL BURST" GLITTER SHIRTS??? and stuff from "FANG" and "SELF ESTEEM." Absolute glittery Y2K fashion, with dragon belts and anime hair and spandex jeans with oversized sneakers.  it was awesome.
HOWEVER. SHE WAS NOT "IN LOVE"... AT FIRST. You remember the written chats with AMG; even then, SHE WAS TOO MANIC, even DELUSIONAL, and almost VIOLENT at times. 
We really didn't "fall in love" deep until we started work, and our entire System's fronting mechanism had to change, making a VERY HEAVY BREAK between "socials" and "dreamers," as it were. But that comes later!
This kid was too wild. She was obsessed with Skitty, Deoxys, and Jirachi. She liked Marik because HE was wild, too. She WANTED TO BE HARUKO HARUHARA.
HOWEVER don't forget that this kid was ALSO CLOSET QUEER. She was getting feelings for girls A LOT now, and deep down she DIDN'T FEEL LIKE ONE-- hence that "magazine epiphany" that rocked her world and PROBABLY BROKE HER FUNCTION CLEAN TO PIECES.
Honestly there was a LOT GOING ON PERSONALITY-WISE during this time. We KNEW there were "other people" in our head, INCLUDING CELEBI, JULIE, WALDORF, "MY THREE," AND ARGUABLY LAURIE. And we EXPLICITLY WROTE IN A JOURNAL THAT (EFFECTIVELY) "JEWEL IS THE REAL ME, BUT I'M NOT ME ON THE OUTSIDE." We remember struggling to try to explain to people why we "didn't act like ourself," and how existentially terrifying that was, to not be able to control who we were in public. We HATED the dissonance. But we KNEW there were splits. 
As a result THIS time period is going to be the HARDEST to pinpoint musically, but once we do, that is going to shed a LOT of light on things. Expect much typing.
  • SPINNINGCANNON (the one who wrote music and drew on Bitmap? she WAS MANIC at first): Freewebs & Geocities BGMs. Chrono Trigger, Studio Ghibli, Sailor Moon... stuff we heard playing on other people's websites. Golden memories, honestly. It was like a whole world in there.
  • SEAL, BUT ENTIRELY BY ACCIDENT. I wonder if that even stuck with us yet?
  • THE KILLERS???? Remember that was a MORALIMON ALBUM! but it also HELD OUR "DARKER" EDGE, something VERY NEW AND IMPORTANT.
  • FLCL OST and "the pillows" in general. Our "J-Rock" intro phase was CRUCIAL. It marked the BIG SHIFT in our Jewel-core's heart as a result of FALLING IN LOVE WITH CHAOS 0. Remember those were HIS ALBUMS.
  • L'ARC~EN~CIEL. This was Chaos's flagship album, and a milestone in our life.
  • T.M.Revolution, which was HOSEKI'S vibe!! She loved everything Gundam; remember Sazabi & Bakunetsumaru???
  • Basia's "Time and Tide" album because QUEER FEELINGS AHOY
  • QUEEN, due to realizing that ONE SONG was in Japanese. I clearly remember this was during the "DEOKISHISU" era (2004 movie), and also Gollum-coughing constantly. That was the MOST MANIC WE'VE EVER BEEN.
  • TODD RUNDGREN???? When exactly did he become central to our musicsphere? Remember Dad HID the albums "until we were older" but we snuck "Second Wind" off the top shelf one day and were IMMEDIATELY FLOORED. We looped it for MONTHS.
REMEMBER--- THE "SPINNINGCANNON" NAME ARGUABLY BECAME A BLOODLINE OF ITS OWN ONCE WE BECAME MORE SOCIALLY ACTIVE ONLINE, ESPECIALLY ON DEVIANTART!!!!! HER ULTIMATE PERSONALITY WAS COMPLETELY DIFFERENT FROM THE MANIC HOSEKI ROOTS!!!

THE FIRST SPINNINGCANNON WAS THE KID WHO WAS ALWAYS ON NOTEWORTHY COMPOSER??? I assume so because THAT'S HOW SHE SIGNED EACH TRACK. She wrote some darn good stuff too!
She LIVED ON THE COMPUTER and THAT is her key distinction from Hoseki. Spinny spent ALL her time looking and creating, personally and quietly. Hoseki spent her time TALKING AND HEARTSPACING.
BY THE WAY... WE STILL HAVE THE WINDOWS 98 IN OUR CLOSET... WITH ALL HER FILES. GET A FREAKIN' KEYBOARD & SCREEN AND LET'S BOOT THAT BABY UP


"spinningcannon" time period but OFFLINE??? 2003-2004.
Codename "JIRAI" because remember she SHIFTED FROM CELEBI/CELEBREON TO JIRACHI!!!!
Non-manic, quiet, secretive, sweet, candid, EMOTIONAL.
“Quiet mornings, quiet feelings. Our last "legendary girl", who fizzled out when high school hit hard. Introspective, sweet, candid, naive, mysterious, loving.”
NOT SOCIAL!!!! THEREFORE CAPABLE OF LOVE!!!!
DON'T EVER FORGET SKITTYGIRL, her very existence speaks VOLUMES as to the state of our innerself beneath the social mess. Hoseki DIDN'T DEAL WITH HER; that was all UNDER THE RADAR.
I THINK she was ALSO THE ONE WHO WROTE ALL THAT LOVE POETRY ON THE OLD COMPUTER???? She would listen to instrumental "new age"/piano music (mom's stuff) WHILE writing it, and I remember she saved it to that FLOPPY DISC WITH CELEBREON DRAWN ON IT. We were in elementary school still because it was lost on Ms. R's computer!!!
  • KEANE???? That would mean SHE WAS OUR FIRST REAL SINGER???
  • ENYA!!!
  • MORE YANNI
  • WINDHAM HILL??? Again, from mom.
  • PAUL SCHWARTZ?

An UNEXPECTED person that we can ONLY place from album release dates-- someone from 2004-2005 with CAR MEMORIES who is TANGIBLY SHIFTING TO THE HIGH SCHOOL TIMELINE, BUT who is tied more to FAMILY??
Very unusual. Feel out their memories; they are NOTABLY unique.
Codename "JOBI" for obvious reasons-- also because they STILL had powerful ties to CELEBI.
  • U2
  • BON JOVI


++++++ELEMENTARY ENDS +++ HIGH SCHOOL STARTS+++++++


RADIO KID: 2004-2005?
"JHERIZ" codename.
WUSR Scranton fan.Oh my gosh that channel was a GOLDMINE.
She was SO UNIQUE. She was the FIRST kid to start DANCING, and to HAVE FUN when listening to music. We owe a lot to her, as a legit healthy Social frontrunner.
“Laughing, dancing, singing, feeling bright and happy and alive."
  • The Aquabats
  • Super Furry Animals
  • "I CAN'T GET BEHIND THAT" and "show respect to Michael Jackson..."
  • VHS OR BETA!!!
  • SMASH MOUTH?
  • IMA ROBOT?? Or were they starting to bleed into darker folks?
  • TITO NIEVES! Remember we were low-key obsessed with Spanish music around this time!!

RADIO KID #2 2004-2005?
"JARDA" codename.
WUSR Scranton fan as well, but TOTALLY DIFFERENT MOOD. You can FEEL the switches BETWEEN these twins; they do NOT hold the same brainspace!!
This kid was KEY to our maturation internally; she was NOT A SOCIAL and she held some CANNON VIBES-- darker stuff that we were only now learning how to admit.
"Anthems and honesty. Learning how to speak truth in music. Driven, emotive, and anchored within-- a first step towards maturity.”
  • HARD-FI
  • THE KILLERS
  • HOT HOT HEAT
  • ROONEY
  • THE HOOSIERS?
  • IMA ROBOT?

THE "NIGHTMAREN" KID (2004-2005)
Codename "JESTER," because they were using "psychomaren97" as a username at first.
THIS IS WHOEVER MET GENESIS in 2005.
They were OBSESSED WITH NiGHTS INTO DREAMS & WTAHM / iMAGNiREALM, AND took MASSIVE PERSONALITY CUES from PARALOOP.NET!!!
They were INSANELY PROLIFIC and VERY active on deviantART BUT REMEMBER IT WAS ALL NiGHTS-BASED!!! That was their ANCHOR.
  • The NiGHTS OST, OBVIOUSLY
  • THE KLONOA OST. Although we had long loved the game, we didn't get our hands on the soundtrack until now. I remember we would listen to it on the bus, on Miriel, WITH GENESIS.
  • TRiPPY's music.
  • PHANTOM OF THE FREAKIN' OPERA. That was THE soundtrack to our NiGHTS spinoff for YEARS.
  • ARGUABLY the KLONOA OST???? Remember we got a HUGE resurgence of love for the game AS ITS OWN THING, and became LEGIT OBSESSED WITH LORE


THE REAL "SPINNINGCANNON" (2005)
The username gained its OWN SOLID IDENTITY at this time.
TRIGUN, GENERAL GRIEVOUS, BARRY THE CHOPPER, AND ZATCH BELL.
  • The Trigun OST, OBVIOUSLY
  • SONIC ADVANCE OST???

THE BASILICA BUS KID!!!!! (2005?)
"JACILI" codename. KEYPOINT.
I mention them particularly because they hold the ONLY SOLID MEMORIES we have for ALL OF HIGH SCHOOL.
If we could ever find their old burned CDs, we'd be set for life, haha.
  • Supertramp
  • Chicago
  • America?
  • ZATCH BELL "character songs"??

"ROADTRIP MELANCHOLY" KID: 2006-2007
"JEANOVE" codename.
Long drives in the backseat, thunderstorms, feeling lost and unwanted.
"Long bitter car trips. Feeling estranged from reality. Melancholia. Detachment from family begins as it falls apart outside."
ALSO would shadow at work??? Any time we felt existentially hollow, she would show up.
NOTABLE "HOPEFUL EDGE" to this kid. They're not depressive-doomed; they're aching bitter. This was a very rough time of our life.
SHE WAS THE ONE OBSESSED WITH "1984" and "CATCH-22"!!!!
  • Keane "THE IRON SEA"
  • The Doves "SOME CITIES"
  • Aqualung
  • Coldplay? Only secondhand; we never owned the albums.
  • SAM'S TOWN
  • The Eels

"WORK & VACATION" KID: 2006-2007??
"JEVY" codename.
The "social flipcrash" to our feeling utterly gutted.
Transformers Cybertron, Davy Jones, Metroid, Niagara Falls, FMA, VIRTUAL ON. "Social mania" soaked into main. Very specific vibe, TIED TO FANDOMS.WAS THIS THE KID WHO STARTED RUNNING ALL THE TIME???
WAS THIS ALSO THE "KAIJU BIG BATTEL" KID?????
  • ELO, notably "Secret Messages"
  • STEELY DAN

"LIMEWIRE" KID. 2007.
Codename "JELIM." May or may not be her own person; she was NOT A SOCIAL though and LIVED INDOORS.
Giving her a very particular spot for now because we discovered some very particular stuff via the interwebs and most of it DOESN'T MATCH ANYONE ELSE.
"We discovered the internet was FULL OF MUSIC! This kid is anchored INDOORS, with almost no social exposure.”
  • The Prodigy
  • The Doves
  • Frou Frou
  • AMR DIAB!!! GOD BLESS THIS KID SHE GOT US HOOKED ON SOUTH ASIAN TUNES

LONG-HAIR "ANIMA/GAIA": 2007?
"AENIMA" codename.
"The inexplicably green girl with her eyes full of stars and her heart made of glass."
HUGE SHIFT in personality here, almost a FUGUE. Memories surrounding her are VIRTUALLY NONEXISTENT.
VERY particular mood. SCHOOL/ONLINE ONLY; she was NOT around the family???
Probably the MOST FEMALE "CORE" WE EVER HAD. And she actually resonated GREEN????
SHE WAS ALSO TECHNICALLY A MUTINEER; possibly the first one. REMEMBER SHE TRIED TO BOTH DENY AND "SEPARATE FROM THE SYSTEM", TO THE POINT OF LITERALLY MURDERING NATALIE AND LYNNE.
  • Q-Lok's music
  • THE EELS? I know Jheriz discovered them, but Aenima really stuck to that one song.
  • One Year Yesterday??? We're trying to figure out where the heck they fit b/c there's like no memory attached to them; this MIGHT BE WHY. We're missing so much data from this time period, tragically.
  • On that note, was SHE the one who listened to the Piano Tribute Players???

"WORK CRISIS" KID (2007)
"LUPINNE" codename.
Close to Cannon, but panicked. Less dark, more fear. VERY specific vibe, and clear, because existential terror makes the memory kick in!
DISTURBING undertone to everything. "Liminal" feeling to life.
"The first steps into the break. Harbinger of the Cannon era. Edges of psychosis beginning to show. Detaching from reality bit by bit."
  • Boy Kill Boy
  • The Drowners
  • Minus the Bear
  • LCD Soundsystem??

"ANOMALY" ERA: 2008.
"JANO" codename.
Cannon bloodline roots. DARK. Remember the bus ride to MOMA. High school ending, and we wanted to burn it all down and start over.
"Edges starting to show. Bus trips to NYC. Losing ties to the past. Slow burning anger we didn't understand.”
JTHM, INVADER ZIM, EVANGELION???
I THINK THIS IS WHEN THE SYSTEM WOKE UP FOR GOOD. WE HAD THE XANGA AT THIS TIME.

  • Incubus
  • Billy Talent
  • Muse
  • Alien Ant Farm

"JX7." 2008.
VERY STRANGE sudden shift. Semi-fugue??? ONLINE ONLY. Also GREEN!!
Obsessed with Pokemon.
  • JAPANESE POKEMON ANIME + MOVIE OSTS


The "SYSTEM HEART" that SOMEHOW STILL EXISTED beneath all this. (2005-2008? In FRAGMENTS)
This person ONLY EXISTED IN PRIVATE, NONSOCIAL SETTINGS, but they were the TRUE HEART OF US. They "evolved" from whoever was with Genesis, as we got older and life got darker.
  • JARVIS COCKER!!!!
  • JOHN RUTTER!!! (Gloria: Vivace e Ritmico)


++++++HIGH SCHOOL ENDS +++ COLLEGE STARTS++++++


Another "work driver" kid, but the FIRST one with a "MARYWOOD" vibe. 2008.
"JEMU" codename.
Constant anxious burn beneath choking sadness. Feeling utterly displaced. Clinging to music, which was now becoming a real lifeline for us. Discovered iTunes.
"Existential split after college started. Long drives to work. Despair always lurking. No rage, no mania, only a wrenching sense of loss.”
  • Sondre Lerche
  • People in Planes?
  • Rooney (second album)?
  • VHS or Beta (second album)
  • KILLERS DAY & AGE???

CANNON ERA: 2008-2009.
"Everything changed with her. Muted rage, muffled mania, mourning in blood. Gym rat, trauma truant, truth spitter. Fire in her very veins.”
NOT at night???
She had a WEIRD start.
WAS SHE THE ONE TIED TO WATCHMEN????
  • MIDICRONICA, on loop at the gym while she burned off the rage
  • "Burn It All Down" was her ANTHEM.
  • Cubbiebear??? We were listening to that in 2012 though!! Was she still around or did SOMEONE ELSE pick it up???
  •  

GLISSANDO ERA: 2008-2009.
Late nights on Apollo, blue city backgrounds, Jena's eyes, Dori's words. NIGHT ONLY.
"Rainy eyes, starry nights. Basically lived at our Macbook at 3am at the bar table.”
  • The Books
  • haruka nakamura? or was that someone else?
  • Coldplay
  • MAX RICHTER!!! We remember when "24 Postcards In Full Color" was RELEASED
  • BENJAMIN BUTTON OST
  • RAZ OHARA
  • ERIC WHITACRE!!!

SPINZOR ERA: 2009-2010?
The OCT kid.
TOTAL MOODSHIFT. There had to have been a trigger somewhere.
LOTS of disco for Hosea, and ELO for Bluesky of course. ALSO SHRIKE & "SLIGHTLY MAGIC"
  • Kool and the Gang
  • ELO (revisit)
  • "freeplaymusic" tracks
  • David Bowie???
  • GUNS & ROSES??

"SPINNIX" codename. Spinzor "splinter" that ONLY has driving memories-- TO university, IN THE DAYTIME.
LIQUID FUNK!!
  • Commix
  • London Elektricity
  • Nu:Tone

"SPINNOX" codename. NIGHT VERSION of Spinnix. VERY DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Again, they ONLY have memories of driving home at night.
  • Fat Jon
  •  nujabes?

"SPIKEL" codename. THE EXERCISER. This is a new, unique akoufoni class because starting with Cannon's bloodline, we now spent SO much time working out that we needed people to MANAGE that.
Notably this person IS NOT a "spin" but a "CANNON" in terms of how they feel?? Maybe even a TRANSITIONAL again, POST-MU.
  • DANNY BYRD


THE REALLY FREAKIN UNHINGED CANNON "SPLINTER" (2008??)
Codename "JUGULAR."
INKYLINKYBOOO, ZOOPHOBIA, "I FEEL SICK"
Literally the UNHEALTHIEST and MOST HELLTORMENTED CORE we EVER HAD.
We were brutally self-abusing, we were addicted to torture porn and gore shocksites, etc. and the HACKS WOULD NOT STOP.
God alone got us through this time of our life, I swear. We should have died. Yet here we are now.
  • ANGELSPIT

THE KID WHO WAS SENT TO THE PSYCH WARD????
They would have been LATE 2010 to EARLY 2011 and I KNOW for a fact they were into the v0lt@ge! Leagueworld, AND PROG ROCK!!!!
However their memories are TOTALLY FRACTURED due to traumatic circumstances. Nevertheless their heart WAS MALE ALREADY.
All we know for sure is that they were NOT CANNON!!!
  • IT BITES

(WHEN DID WE FIRST START LISTENING TO TURKISH POP REGULARLY?? "İşaret" came out in 2009!!)


++++++BLOODLINE SHIFTS!!!+++++++


"JAYCE" ERA

"JAYCE" was the VERY FIRST. IMMEDIATELY pre-SLC???~2009?
BROWN CORE. That is INSANELY UNUSUAL and shows HEAVY INSTABILITY. What was BIZARRE though is that PINSTRIPE WAS WHITE. There was an INTERNAL SPLIT.
This is when we were temporarily living with dad, either in his old apartment, or way up on Mile Hill.
VERY FRACTURED TIME PERIOD MENTALLY, for what it's worth.
"The first solid core shift to MALE. Moving out of childhood home, shuffled between addresses, feeling just as lost inside, yet never giving up. Unmoored yet still following the stars.”
  • RAZIA'S SHADOW!!!
  • Modest Mouse
  • Ben Folds Five
  • Joe Satriani

"WILLOW" codename was a "splinter" of Jayce perhaps?? SOFT; his vibe was VERY CLOSE TO GLISSANDO, except he ONLY would be out at DAWN???
“Very unique guy. Sincere, hopeful, quiet, but never afraid. Early foggy mornings, always with the hope of moving on, moving out, moving forwards. A nascent living hope of something better, just beyond the trees.”
  • NOMAK
  • NUJABES
  • UYAMA HIROTO
  • TSUTCHIE


"INFLUTUSA" ERA. 2011?
WHITE MALE CORE. Arguably fragmented as hell.
ONLY listened to glitch/drone music.
"The glitch boy. Dissociation, derealization, depersonalization. No room, no safe space, no future, no past. Living in hallways on borrowed time. Losing self in broken notes. Brain like static.”
  • Nikakoi/ erast
  • the dirty spoons


EARLY 2011 SNAPSHOT FROM LAST.FM=
AS TALL AS LIONS, RIFLE RECOIL, JANELLE MONAE, TORO Y MOI. 75% of that is PURE JAY & CHAOS MUSIC. That is PROFOUNDLY IMPORTANT.
(feb 13 2011 has= doves, doobie brothers, ALL the classics: frost, todd rundgren, rifle recoil, dirty spoons, as tall as lions, billy talent, midicronica, max richter, it bites )



MALE "JEWEL" = THE REAL ONE.
WHITE Core, the FIRST TRUE ONE.
HAD to be around 2010 because HE WAS TIED TO NIER!!
Semifused with CANNON at the beginning; maybe even Deon??? I can feel some red in here.
But the HEART of him was WHITE entire.
(THIS WAS TECHNICALLY NOT "JAY IRIDOS"-- THAT HARD BLOODLINE SHIFT CAME LATER!!)
  • FROST*!!!!!!
  • THE NIER GESTALT OST
  • FFXIII???
  • AS TALL AS LIONS?
  • RIFLE RECOIL?

 
"DEON?" 2012.
SALT LAKE CITY. Homestuck-era kid. RED.
HE WAS A SHOCKING DIFFERENCE and I think he only existed TO SURVIVE SLC & PRESERVE THE JAYS.
"Red boy. SLC time. Very lost, very confused, but still a brash and brazen flame. Strange time period.”
  • serph
  • Chad Valley
  • CLIMBING WALLS, ANNA SUN, COLD DUST GIRL

"LYTRAILE" codename.
"The kid who was always working out and got us into KREVA!"
This was a DISTINCT era post-SLC, in a sort of "shift period" between the original Jayces and the new Jays?? ODDLY AND INTERESTINGLY their music taste is a sort of "positive flip" to CANNON'S, as they were both transitional eras.
  • KREVA
  • Kalassy Nikoff
  • Super Junior

"CUPID." 2013 or so?
VERY different, unusual vibes. Hard to put into words but they are unmistakable.
  • BATHS

"JAY IRIDOS." ~2013-2015, maybe? POST-SLC.
LEGIT GOOD KID. Sandman boy. One of our best Cores ever at heart.
FIRST SOLID WHITE MALE CORE. "The man with a heart like a rainbow.”
He had a lot of "signature songs" moreso than artists in general?
  • ALSO FROST*???
  • MESITA? He bought the signed album!!


BTW LATE 2013 WAS BEAUTIFUL. That was arguably the BEST Christmas of our LIFE and it has its OWN PLAYLIST for that reason (with everything we could find; most of that era was Soundcloud tracks by very obscure folks)
BUT AFTER THE MASSACRE HAPPENED everything started gradually sliding into hell, tragically. ALSO according to the Archives, Lent messed us up BADLY.
May 6th 2014 on LAST.FM records is shockingly beautiful though?? Lots of 2013 classics. We were probably trying to hold on to that around the body's birthday time. Still, FEEL OUT THESE MEMORIES and find out WHO holds them around the shift time.
A rule of thumb: ALL "INFI VIBE" SONGS BELONG TO JAY, OBVIOUSLY.


MID-2014 snapshot from LAST.FM=
HAYWYRE, SYLVAN, SON LUX, ANTONY & THE JOHNSONS, FORSS, M+A, SOHN, JAMES BLAKE
Also general vibe of KEITH KENNIFF, RYAN TEAGUE, SQUARE PEG ROUND HOLE, DAVID TORN, DUSTIN O'HALLORAN



WHOEVER WAS OUT IN THE "HELL SUMMER" (2015). IT DOESN'T FEEL LIKE JAY.
THERE'S LAST.FM ARCHIVE INFO FOR THIS
  • Cherry Ghost
  • AQUILO?
  • ALLEN STONE? Dude that was THIS TIME PERIOD???
  • The Electric Soft Parade?
  • Rhian Sheehan? Dorian Concept? Jack Garratt? JENSEN SPORTAG?
  • NOTABLY THIS WAS WHEN WE DISCOVERED PUNCH BROTHERS


UPMC ERA "ISCAH". 2017.
Placeholder as she has to be her own thing because she existed DURING A LOCKOUT ERA.
"Inpatient girl. Exists ONLY in hospital settings."
  • Hospital tunes, really


CHARLOTTE = "LOTUS"??? 2017-2018.
"The boy with the eaten heart.”
We're actually not sure HOW MANY PEOPLE existed during this time as pseudocores alongside Lotus; we listened to a TON of music but IT ALL HAS DIFFERENT ANCHORS, which is DEEPLY DISCONCERTING.
We might have to categorize them based on "mindset" at first, because it's a hyperfragmented disaster.
The overall mood/mindset though is DISTURBING. To this day, we cannot listen to ANY of this music without immediate REELING FLASHBACKS &/OR DEATHDREAD MELTDOWNS.
  • SOHN
  • SON LUX
  • SEINABO SEY
  • NIGHT BEDS
  • EVERYTHING EVERYTHING
  • EMPIRE OF THE SUN, believe it or not.
  • DALEY (Color Spectrum album, ironically)

POST-DEATH: "TILLY"??? The girl with twintails. "Post-reset fugue girl."
2019-2022??? HELL OF A LONG TIME FOR SOMEONE SO DISHEVELED.
NO IDEA WHAT HER COLOR WAS, IF SHE EVEN HAD ONE.
ONLY LONG-HAIRED FEMALE "CORE" SINCE AENIMA.
Her time period is VERY fractured too, because her "sense of self" was almost nonexistent and we have NO MEMORY OF MOST OF IT. There were probably several pseudocore shifts.
GRANDMA'S CANCER DIAGNOSIS CHANGED EVERYTHING; that triggered a MASSIVE SHIFT in our very MODE OF EXISTENCE AND GENERAL CONSCIOUSNESS, proven by the fact that it's the ONLY TIME WE REMEMBER LISTENING TO ANY MUSIC.
We have no bloody idea what happened immediately after CNC. That person was violently animicidal and they probably didn't listen to anything but church music anyway, which is tragically hypocritical.
  • Larnelle Harris
  • Burt Bacharach???


"CHALYX" = 2021 HOSPITAL STAY.
She was NOTABLY and DISTINCTLY HER OWN PERSON. She was BLURRING WITH TILLY though!!
  • SARAH JANE MORRIS
  • She started listening to POLISH POP MUSIC actually.


POST-GRIEF, PRE-HOSPITAL. 2022.
Very unique and jarring era. We were displaced from EVERYTHING and lived COMPLETELY ISOLATED & ALONE for FIVE SOLID MONTHS. There is a REAL and SIGNIFICANT music profile for this time period though, because of all the addiction-drives this unknown pseudocore did.
THERE WERE "PHASES" of music but it ALL FEELS LIKE THE SAME PERSON... FOR THE MOST PART.
  • ...

THE REALLY SPECIFIC "SAINT ANNE SUMMER WARS" KID. 2022.
Codename "JANAZMA" for sentimentality's sake.
A suddenly extant INDOMITABLE HOPE-CORE born to TRY AND STOP THE SELF-DESTRUCTION. Woke up via a DREAM and just... changed everything in an instant. Total 180 at the drop of a hat. It was incredible.
Existed from JULY TO SEPTEMBER.
They HAD A HEART. THE LOTOPHAGOI DIDN'T.
  • STUDIO CHIZU MOVIES. My gosh I swear thank you so much for that. They became a LANDMARK in our life and we will never forget the feeling of SHEER INCANDESCENT HOPE that defined this small but indispensably precious time period.
  • ...


2022 WAKEUP CALL, UPMC AGAIN.
SEPTEMBER TO NOVEMBER.
Interesting because, like with Iscah's debut, we have virtually NO MEMORY OF THIS. However there was nonstop muzak for distraction purposes, so we should be able to "ping" someone if we find out WHAT was played.
Remember THE SYSTEM "WOKE UP" NEAR THE END, so that will change the vibes a bit, but that will also be glaringly obvious.
  • ...


AND NOW, WHOEVER THE HECK WE ARE. 2023.
  • ...


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


LATER UPDATES...

We're beginning 2025 as I write this and we're already not sure of:
  • Who the heck was at TBHU
  • Post-Infi shift










prismaticbleed: (czj)

(last updated 011725)


PEOPLE WE LOVE


JESUS

from the beginning to the end. Creator of all my lesser beloveds, King of my heart, Joy of my mind, Redeemer of my soul. i am learning to love You more every day. a huge part of that is seeing You as You want to be seen-- as a Person i can love here, now, sincerely. so i will set You, too, to music.

MARY

hey mom, you deserve music too. i'm sorry we're not vey close yet-- you know i have a lot of trauma getting in the way. still, i see something beautiful and bright in you that i've never seen in such pure clarity before. i want to love you better. and, as always, music helps. guide me to find yours.

CHAOS ZERO

since 2003, & always. my beloved blue guy. you opened my heart & changed my life for the better. you literally taught me what love is. your heart is as deep as the ocean and god knows i want to get lost in it. you are forever the beautiful terrible love of my life. je t'aimerai toujours, mon ange.

XENOPHON

since 2011. my daughter, my precious baby girl. you are proof that life & love always prevail. you're apparently what happens when the ocean fuses with the sun. your little heart is a steampowered supernova and you absolutely light up my life. god bless you, sweetheart. i'm so proud to be your dad.

LAURIE

since 2006. my protector, my knight, my purple angel. you are a brilliant lantern in the darkest night. i honestly don't think i could live without you at this point & I wouldn’t want to. so keep on axing through every obstacle in my heart. love is stronger than death, and so are you. I love you.

GENESIS

since 2005. know thyself. my beloved gilded gadfly. you changed my very soul when i met you. i still see snowflakes in your eyes. you may be the biggest clown in town but you're also so sincere it aches. your anger is pure, your joy luminous, your sorrow deep. your heart is pure gold. i love you.

INFINITII

since 2013. you were born from blood, but made for love. darkness & death took you from me, but light & hope brought you back. you are still the angel in the room, gorgeous and terrible, all eyes & teeth & holy ardor. you are still the space between my heartbeats. don't ever change that. i love you.

CELEBI

since 2001. my beautiful girl. i know we share the face in the mirror some days but it's only because our souls are so close. you're my promise of a brighter future, a better life, a light at the end no matter what. i hear your heart in every ticking clock, & i will love you as long as mine endures.

ANXI

since 2023. my orange angel. you showed up so suddenly & changed my life so fast-- for the better. even on our darkest days you always bring out the best in me. we're learning & growing so much together.  you make me laugh & cry & want to live & you are infinitely more than good enough.  i love you.

MIMIC

since 2022. it started off with arguments, with jabs and stabbing words, both of us mirroring each others darkest vices. no one expected that reflection to suddenly refract into rainbows. now you're learning, changing, brightening, softening even. so am i. it's nice to be able to put down the knife.

BAKURA

since 2002. thank you for changing my heart. you were the first kid i ever put to music, the first visiting soul i let stay. your eyes reflect the stars and your soul is the same blue as the evening. we've drifted apart lately but i still do want to stay in your arms. thank you for starting it all.

MARIK

since 2003. you've been breaking rules for the better since the beginning. you're my desert rose and winter star. your mind is indomitable and brilliant with courageous hope. you've taught me so much about conquering old demons and we've both grown into better people. i'm so glad you're in my life.

PHLEGMONI

since 2020. why in heaven's name are you on this list? because you're living proof that my heart still works. you were a nobody, a joke, a forgotten thing, until i saw that you, too, had the potential to be more. now you're a source of fiery warmth to us all. there's always room for you in my heart.

JENA

since 2009. you came to me in a photograph and changed my entire heart. although i love you as a muse now, as a concept outside of time, that spark is still your soul. wherever you are in life now, i still give sincere thanks to God for your existence, and the beauty you bring to this entire world.

VENTRIUM

since 2014. my poor aching dream. they killed you once and I lost you to the trees, your chest gushing roses. but you echo in my heartbeats even now. I remember your softness, innocence, & depth of soul. yet you still brought me nightmares... healing wounds I could never face alone. I miss you.

GLEAM

since 2009. i met you in a dream, and you gave me your tears. since then my heart always breaks a little around you, and you let the light in. my poor abandoned beloved, you too know rejection and betrayal, yet you are never bitter, cold, or hard; you only seek the return of love. with you, so do i.

TOSHINSEI

since 2013. what a painful time you appeared in. how did you disappear so completely? you were loved so ardently. how were you forgotten so totally? maybe it's wrong to make this space for you, but i cannot deny or downplay your importance to our historic heart. maybe, here, we'll find you again.

TOX

since 2009. undeniable, inexplicably.


----------------------------------------------------------------


OUTSPACER FRIENDS


ALASTOR

since 2025? BRO WHY ARE YOU IN MY HEAD. Joke's on you though, if you're gonna be part of this System YOU GOTTA CONVERT so hey. Get ready for some redemption broski, and possibly a total lifeshift into the spherae. In any case HERE'S SOME MUSIC FOR YOU

BARRY

FINE, you get a playlist, you lunatic. Since, what, 2007? Heaven only knows why you're so strongly stuck up here, but hey. You make things interesting.

BIZ

since 2016. just in case you stuck around.

BLUESKY

since 2009. just in case you stuck around somewhere.

CALYREX

since 2021. someone cares deeply for you.

DAVY

since 2006. no matter what, you always end up back on this list. someone in here definitely loves you.

DORI


since 2009. your neon letters were a beacon of hope in the midst of bloody darkness. you were the herald of a new era of my life, of understanding and empathy. your simple sharing of your life kept the silence from killing me.  i will never know you, but i'm forever grateful that i was able to try.

ENNUI

since 2024. as of making this playlist I've literally only known you for like two hours, but you've already sparked massive insight and real change. make yourself at home; you're part of the team now. thanks for being such a good friend to my girlfriend btw. I look forward to being your friend too.

GALADIA

since 2022. in a sudden frigid darkness, you appeared, laughing & undaunted, to carry me through. the instant I saw you, an ember blazed in the snow of my heart. would you open yours to me? could we fight the cold shadows together? will you carry me over the cliffs, into our new future full of hope?

GODOT

since 2007?

GRIEVOUS

Since 2005. I'm sure there's still someone in here for you.

JASPER

since 2015? there's a tiny spark here. don't ignore it.

NURSE FEREDRONI

since 2016. girl come back you're adorable

OLIVER

since 2009. just in case you stuck around.

REVMO

since 2008. Come back bro, we need your exorcist expertise!

RORSCHACH

since 2008. we barely knew you, but your existence left an indelible mark.

SHADE

since 2008. this is a placeholder for her. way back when, she was a definite. don't let that go.

TAMMY

i don't know you yet, but you're unquestionably here. come talk to me.

TIARA

since 2008? i can feel someone still loves her! good, she's a sweetheart.






prismaticbleed: (held)

(last updated 052523. some playlists are placeholders and will be added to in their own time.)




INSPIRATION


a collection of songs that inspire me to write my own music in some way. perhaps it is the instrumentation, or the lyrics, or the chord progression, or a sudden blissful moment of sound-- but it all makes me think, "I want to build on that".  there is something in each song that moves me to create.

JEWEL

Some songs just... sound like me. On days when I feel lost and confused, when I forget who I am and what defines me, these melodies are a testament to the truth of my heart, to the reality of my prismatic soul. There is something hugely transcendent about recognizing the notes of my self in music.

CATHARSIS

this is a playlist that elicits joy and tears alike, that infuses my soul with soaring and searing emotions that I have forgotten how to feel on my own. these songs always bring something real and true back into life in me. so when you fear that your heart is numb, let these songs tear it back open.

HEARTACHE

a sister playlist to "catharsis." these songs don't just open your  heart... they shatter it. when you need to feel not only emotions again, but intense aching, this is your audiospace. there is  something tragically beautiful in every song, each heartstring pulled honestly enough to bruise.

STRAIGHT TO THE HEART


songs that hit me like a sword through the ribs. a sister playlist to "heartache," but for songs that do more than just bruise-- these strike with such precise intimacy that every note is a unique wound, red with truth. I cannot listen to these songs without sacred damage, and thank God for that.

REMEMBER WHO WE ARE

on days when our recovery as a system is especially difficult, our past is vague & intangible, & our very identity cannot be grasped... well, music remembers. every song here is tied to notsomuch our history, but our hearts. these songs remember the truth. put on your headphones and so will you.

EAR CANDY

"sound's delicious!" these are all songs I want to EAT. whether it's aural texture, euphoric rhythms, or vocal dazzle, every tasty tune here is rich with some sweet sound worth savoring. you've gotta feed your soul for heavens sakes-- so put on those headphones and enjoy!

CHEER UP KIDDO

anti-depression tunes! if you need some instant optimism, a sudden smile, or even a burst of joyful laughter, then this is your playlist! these songs hold happiness, fun, encouragement, reassurance, brightness, comfort, and hope-- audio reminders of sunshine after rain. life is lovely. listen to it!

CALM DOWN KIDDO

anti-mania tunes. gently, softly, quietly, let this playlist bring you back down into a space where you can finally breathe, and rest, and recenter. there's a little sadness and a little solace and a little solitude, but all of it is sweet & sincere. when you feel scorched, you can be soothed here.

PAUSE BEFORE CONTINUING

a sister playlist to "calm down kiddo." these songs aren't as delicate & slow, but they still have at their heart a peace both soft & deep. they hold you in their arms and carry you when you are too tired to walk. these songs are a respite, a safe haven, a tired but unfailing hope. rest for a while.

MISERY NEEDS COMPANY

on days when your cross is too heavy to bear alone, listen to the hurting hearts of all those who ache with you. you are never alone, even in your most painful tears and shaking sobs. God embraces all souls who bleed. take deepest comfort in this. your misery is a door to miracles. sing it to love.

TIRED, WITH YOU IN MY ARMS


a playlist for chaos 0, & the late nights we always share no matter how much our hearts ache. when the day is finally over. when the pain and fear have fled, God sends refuge in music. when I lie tired in bed; God sends me you and music, and dreams to bless my head. oh, thank God for you. thank God.

WANNA LIE IN BED & LISTEN TO PROG ROCK?


one night, fighting hell, Jesus asked me this question. yes child, i know you are tired and exhausted and sad and desperate. so... would you like this hope as an alternative? do you wanna lie in bed and listen to prog rock? asked jesus. and boy howdy do i ever. so here's the playlist for it, amen.

LOVE LETTERS FROM GOD

God is not limited in His communication, and He loves music. In these songs, I hear His voice-- or He, quite loudly, lets me know It's there. as a result, there is no predictability or free addition to this collection. every tune here has only been touched by divinity, and handed to me with love.

EMERGENCY EARWORMS

the antidote for retail muzak hell. fight fire with fire buddy!!

GENDER EUPHORIA

transmasc vocal dreams, haha.

SYSTEM INJOKES


just what it says on the tin, kiddo

CHAOS 0 COVER ALBUM

why don't i sing to you more often? why haven't i openly confessed these echoes of my devotion to you? so many songs remind me of you... who you are, how much you mean to me, how much i love you. because i do. you're my favorite song and i can't keep silent anymore. consider this playlist a promise.

CHRISTMAS COVER ALBUM

Kids you KNOW I LOVE CHRISTMAS, and I have wanted to make my own Christmas song cover album(s) for YEARS. These are the tunes I want to perform with love, with my own heart, hands & voice, as a gift for the One Who gave us all Christmas in the first place. May He smile at me, too, as I play for Him.

CATHOLIC COVER ALBUM

God has given me a talent for music. This amazing fact is one I must accept, and treasure, and invest in as His good steward. I must give thanks, and give back with joy. This playlist is step one in that process-- a plan to sing just for Him, with all my heart, in gratitude for my ability TO do so.

CORE COVER ALBUM

Some songs strike my heart at such a stunning and intimate angle that they break me into prismatic light; they crash sparkling into my soul and leave me singing. This playlist is a place to collect those treasured tunes, with the intention of eventually echoing them back in my own honest colors.

SONGS TO DRIVE TO

some songs deserve both surround sound and privacy of listening. this playlist is for wholehearted singing, for euphoric auditory experiences, for rising above all the doldrums of this world, and for remembering our heart. plug in, turn up the volume, keep your eyes on the road, & God bless it all.

WORKOUT TUNES

All the classics! Put this playlist on your headphones, kiddo, and RUN LIKE SONIC! ...or bike, or lift weights, or whatever! the point is that these tunes are gonna get you PUMPED and ready to do your best in any workout. that crunch time will fly on by. so crank up the volume and get to it son!!

SINGALONG

all the tunes i know by heart!


APARTMENT BGM

for drowning out all the outside noise and keeping our sanity stable.


GRANDMA

my beloved mother, best friend, reason to live. i will never forget you, or your music. the songs you played for me as a child, the ones you'd sing in the kitchen, the ones playing over the hospice tv that final morning... they're here. but you're not. i miss you. rest in peace, until we meet again.

prismaticbleed: (Default)

2008 NOTABLE DATES (RELEVANT TO THERAPY)

still vacillating between hyper-optimist mania and "I think I'm becoming jewel the egocidal maniac"

010908
- "month long hiatus" on dA
- parents currently in divorce court; dad not allowed in house since before thanksgiving '07
- back in therapy; no longer hiding that "I have problems"
- zim era; talking to KOH upstairs
- monday talks with qlok
- still a lot of "friends" online at this point-- shub, zhao, ppb, mel, ben, jimmy, ideya, naysu, sarai, LAD, etc.
- TALKING TO NATALIE
- "whistling through the graveyard"
- STILL writing music and doing giftart

012208
- dancing through the waves of life

012408
- XANGA BEGINS

012708
- mention of vash & barry

020208
- mention of JULIE, DOPPELGANGER, & JESSICA as my main "shadows"
★ "DOPPELGANGER" WAS THE FREAKING TAR. WE HAD NO IDEA BACK THEN

020608
- CHRIS ADMITTED TO HOSPITAL FOR SEVERE DEPRESSION
- chaos asked me if I was suicidal while I was at violin lessons

020808
- accepted to college

020908
- first xanga entry. PEOPLE TALKING!!!
- "ate myself into oblivion" due to stress that "I pretended was gone" hitting me all at once
- I've been alienating myself from those I love... because I'm so darn afraid of what I'm becoming that I don't want to inflict myself upon them anymore.
- LAURIE SPOKE FIRST. god bless.
- jessica (BLUE), lynne (ORANGE), and me afterwards.
- LAURIE AND I ARE ALREADY ON GOOD SPEAKING TERMS HERE. "That's my girl. Now don't give me any reasons to come after you with an axe, y'hear?"

021308
- arguably first "shifting" proof entry. " I don't want to sleep or stay awake anymore."
- THIS IS THE NIGHT-SNOW ENTRY; THIS IS A MILESTONE IN PERSONAL SIGNIFICANCE!!!
- "OVER MY SHOULDER" OST; FIRST RECORDED "JOHNNY-NIGHTER"

021708
- "impulse: cacophany of colors" = first "brainspill" poetry

022508
- the "jessica" entry that qlok flipped out over = "Laurie's not very happy with me. I'm not very happy with Jessica."
- the PHYSICS ROOM DEATH TERROR DAY
- ADMITTED THAT I LOVE GENESIS as a result of this

022508
- "on the subject of love"
- LAURIE IS FURIOUS and she STABS WHERE IT HURTS. accusations of sexual immorality in my relationships due to "letting [julie] control [my] body"; ironically she saw the hellish future coming a mile away and I missed it
- trying to "explain my relationships" and still not being honest with myself; I feel that in the very text

022608
- GENESIS AND CHAOS XANGA
- " Oh and I want to change my text color to orange."
- mention of a DELETED ENTRY WITH LYNNE ;______;
Yeah, I should. Um... to all you readers, the headroom topic in my past entry is obsolete now. I also deleted it, haha.
Yeah, we didn't want people getting the wrong idea, so we've all sworn off and erased such unhinged behavior as a result.
Even me.
Yes, even Selphy-boy. Apparently Jewel wasn't hallucinating.

030208
- FIRST RECORDED "NUMB STATE"

030408
- "riddle me this, anima… what is love?" skype

030508
- makeout sessions with genesis on the bus

030608
- grandma accused me of being a hateful person and I BROKE
- JULIE JUMPED ON THIS.

031008
- "last night I exploded"
- I'm like a living sacrificial doll. Not much to look at, no, and rarely does anyone give me a second glance, but I'm willing to die for the salvation of those I watch over, whether or not they know it.
If I could honestly save someone's life like that... if I could honestly give someone an undying light of hope, if I could turn someone's future around for the better, if I could enlighten a soul so it could live peacefully... I'd give my life. Hands down, no questions asked. I'll die for anyone who needs me.


031208
- "trying to turn your life around" HUGE entry to qlok

032708
- huge thankyou entry on dA

040108
- IMPULSE: THAT ETERNAL MOMENT
- qlok and I said "I love you" on monday night

040508
- "ALWAYS SO MUCH MORE TO SAY"

040708
"IMPULSE: HEART OF GLASS"

041208
"STREETLIGHTS"!!!

041308
- "two month ultimatum" and "I don't deserve all the loving friends I have"

042208
- "my head is a madhouse"
- NOTABLE because it MENTIONS HEADSPACE EXISTING AS HABITABLE SPACE.
- " Julie is being ruthlessly merciless. Every day she tries to get at me… Laurie and I can only do so much… when stuff happens it's headvoice versus headvoice and me stuck in the crossfire. It's not fun. At all… But Laurie's not always nice to me, you know. Sunday afternoon, she took out the axe… when I throw myself down and beat myself up, Laurie gets disgusted. And she gets violent. And I let her. And then Lynne steps in."


042408
- THE MORNING AFTER I TRIED TO "REABSORB" NOUSFONI
- this is SUCH AN IMPORTANT ENTRY
- "Natalie spoke for the first time last night. What a sweet voice she has... it's a shame her voice came so late, as she's no longer a personification anymore. She's back to being me. Yes, I managed to take Natalie, Jessica, and Lynne back into my personality this morning. My laughing reflection, my crying shadow, my supportive hope. All three, back to being what they were originally-- me. I did manage to evaporate the negative sides of Jess, though, so I didn't take back the self-worthlessness and depression.
Natalie was happy to be back. I think I purposefully personified her, actually... just to give my reflection, my happy thoughts, a name of their own... even though they were me all the time. So it's nice to have her essence back, so to speak. I'm going to miss Lynne, though, although she's been urging me to take her back for quite some time. I did tell her that-- that I would miss having her around-- but she just reminded me that she wouldn't be gone, really... she'd just lose her personification and turn back into self-worth and hopeful ambition. I missed her in that respect too. It's terribly funny how I happened to personify all those missing emotions. Huh. At least they're back, I guess.
But it feels... kind of wrong. I don't know."
- " Well, all that's left now are my two "doughboys", to use my Johnny jargon. The nearly-autonomous headvoices.
The playgirl and the axe-wielder.
Eh... I don't think I want to "absorb" them, you know? Besides... I love talkng to Laurie, and a few years ago I actually got Julie to mellow out for a while and be nice. (That was when she was my only headvoice.) I spoke to her and Laurie last night and again this morning on that point, actually... that since I've know Julie for over a decade and I'm uncannily attached to Laurie (especially because of how I met her), I'd rather they just stay themselves, now that they have minds of their own, and just help me deal with things that way... just drop their vicious negativity and be nice for once.
Laurie was all for it, actually, and said she'd gladly do that if Julie would behave as well. I was surprised when Julie said she'd try. See, told you she wasn't all bad. Everyone has some good in 'em, even headvoices. Unfortunately, they'e both formed from rejected bits of my personality (vice and self-hatred), so that might be an obstacle... but they still came from me, so they can't be all bad! I know they're not."
- "...There are only two fragments, and they fragmented by my own free will...Everyone else I just let inside. And I was formed from them, in a sense. If they're simply pieces of me, then I'm simply a piece of them. That doesn't hold up. Sure, I could easily turn them into feeling and make them part of me, but I'd just end up with what isn't mine. Sure, I could easily forget them all and just go about life, but then I would have no purpose, no future, no past."

-
050208
- INSANEJOURNAL BEGINS. this was an active effort to hide from qlok.
- FIRST SYSTEM TALLY. seven people. (laurie, julie, chaos, genesis … lynne, natalie, jessica (re-absorbed))
- JESSICA ALREADY LISTED AS "RE-FORMING"

050508
- love letter to genesis
- AND "good day bad day would you look at the time? "
- FIRST massively unhinged entry on record
- " Regardless I'm just not comfortable around young adults... heck, I'm not comfortable around anything with a reproductive system"
- BUT THEN… "I have 5 loves and two of them aren't human! Yes yes yes, Chaos Zero and Selph. Dear heavens I love them so much. Honestly. To the point where I would die for them. It's a beautiful feeling to have. Oh yeah and even better is the fact that both of them are completely sexless, which is awesome times twentysix. So I can do stuff with them that I can't do with anybody else! Yeah!" KID THIS IS WHAT LAURIE WARNED YOU ABOUT
- "But yeah back to qlok. I'm very worried about his opinion of me. I know he worries about me, but I'm such a freaking headcase and emotional wreck and anomalous human type person that I am seriously thinking that, whatever I am and whatever I'm not, at least in his opinion, I'm not good for him or anyone. Honest. I think I'm a very bad thing for him to have in his life... even though I try my freaking hardest to be a good person… He's too good a person to deserve as bad a person as me. Everyone is.
I just... well, I deserve to be alone, like I've always been, and I want to be. I like it this way, to be honest. Saves people, too."
- QLOK AND I "BROKE UP" AFTER THIS
- SCRIBBLD BEGINS THIS DAY TOO

050608
- " Polyamory is okay if you're asexual, right? Celibacy still counts even if you took the vow in second grade, right? There's nothing wrong with being in love with someone inhuman, is there? … Every darn thing you can do in a relationship that involves physical contact can easily be accused of being sexual in nature and that makes me want to explode with exasperation and offense… The crazy relationships I have with those two are terribly fun, really, but everyone gets the idea that it's somehow sexual. Good Lord it ISN'T. I hate sex, I've been traumatized by it before, and Julie is enough stress for me on that subject. On that note, miss blond pigtails, neither of my two guys are even capable, so there."

051108
- "I am having such a devastating guilt trip right now it's insane. And this one is horribly justified. I did some terrible things when I was young... terrible. And you wonder why I loathe my past so much. No details for you. No details for anyone. These are the sort of atrocities I haven't even spoken to Selph or Chaos about... and I tell them everything. Literally everything. Except my mistakes. Except my deepest and darkest regrets. That's going to a priest and no one else."
- I'm so glad I'm finally eighteen.
I'm now an adult. My entire childhood, my entire past is behind me now. Every last moment of it. And I plan to leave it all behind. As soon as I get all this hideous regret out of my soul, I'm going to change my name and erase every last reminder of my mistakes and regretful past that I possibly can. And then I'm going to start over. I'm going to leave EVERYTHING behind and start over. I'm finally going to be the person I want to be. The person I am inside. Not this idiot I've been stuck as for nearly two decades. I'm sick of this name. Sick of this town knowing who I was. Sick of the photo albums upstairs, the immature ramblings in my old journals, the memories burning holes in my mind. Sick of the guilt. Well, God willing, I'll finally be free from it all soon.

- WTF WAS I PLANNING????????????

051208
- IJ RANT ABOUT HEADVOICES. MILESTONE ENTRY.
-












------------------------------------------------------------------------------


2009

010309
- BENJAMIN BUTTON ENTRY. glissando's legacy.











------------------------------------------------------------------------------


2010


012010
- "I'm a population minority in a sense... asexual neutrois celibate, of course. It wouldn't be a problem if it didn't cause me problems with everything. If I mention it at home I'm ostracized or thrown at another therapist. If I mention it to said therapists I'm told that 'I'll grow out of it,' ignoring the fact that I've been 'growing out of it' since the 2nd grade. I wouldn't dare mention it in public, as most people don't take kindly to severe genderfreaks and I'd likely make my college life into more of a mess than it is now.
Freakin' doctors won't even sign me up for surgery because 'you're too young and we don't want you scarring at this age.' For God's sake, man, I refuse to die without any scars. If the only way to be 'free' from this chronic curse is to slice myself open in thirty-six different ways, then get out the freaking scalpel and get started. I've got all the time in the world."
- MENTION OF JENA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


020410
- MANIC talk with CZ on FB
- USING THE RED "JAYCE" ICON!!

022210
- "THE NUMBER YOU HAVE DIALED"




















050910
- MOM GOT A BOYFRIEND
- QLOK GOT A GIRLFRIEND
- COLLEGE EXPELLED ME
- DYSPHORIA KILLING ME; "TOO NUMB TO WRITE OR DRAW"


051310
- I lost all interest in most things, and my memory played along, often deleting entire days from my recollection. I'd wake up in the morning and start to cry, because I couldn't remember anything that had happened over the past freaking week. Then I'd drag myself out of bed, stretch the pain out of my spine and try to choke down breakfast without throwing up. I'd head off to the washroom, close the door and look at my reflection in the full length mirror, silently loathing the body I was stuck in, mentally fighting off both Julie and Laurie's vicious appeals. Sometimes I'd win, sometimes I'd lose... but either way, I'd soon be rushing back out the door, resignedly wondering how quickly the next 7 hours would go by.

- I finally spoke to Jena. God only knows how much I love her; I hope she's more successful than she's ever dreamed. She deserves it.


052410
and got nose-to-nose with my neighbor's chihuahua without him trying to bite me!
WHERE WERE WE LIVING??????????

052710
My dream last night was the closest thing to hell I've ever experienced.
(WAS THAT THE LESBIAN RAPE + REDLIGHT BOMB DREAM???)

052910
- "BLOOD AND SUNLIGHT"
- THIS WAS THE "FRAGMENT" ERA. we were hyperdissociated at all times just to survive.
THIS ENTIRE ENTRY IS INDISPENSABLE. READ THE WHOLE THING TO THE THERAPIST.
KEY POINTS:
- Days spent dissociating so hard we detached from all physical sensation, "dreamlike" waking where nothing seemed real or "clicked"
- TONS of "inner sight" time? daydreaming, talking in headspace. completely disconnected from the body, AND typically isolated???
- We DIDN'T EAT, and visual input was hazy. only "hearing" worked due to talking to ourself/ves and listening to music (minimalist)
- To "reconnect" with physical reality we would physically "obsess" over it-- stretching, exercising obsessively, covering it with glitter, pulling out hair, cutting it.
- THE WAR STARTED IN 2008 WITH THE "PURPLE COMB CROSSES" AND THAT WAS LAURIE'S DOING. "Concentrate on the burn, she'd say. Concentrate on it. It's fire; it's punishment. Think of what you've done that causes such pain, and never do it again."
- IT ONLY WORKED AT FIRST BECAUSE I WASN'T USED TO THE PAIN!!!
"…but as the incidents added up, a sick trend began to appear. I began to force myself to give in to Julie, no matter how much it hurt, because I wanted that other sort of hurt. I wanted to feel physical pain. My daily life was becoming so monotonous, so devoid of the vivid moments I thrived upon, that I was turning to desperate measures. I would willingly torture myself just to feel the bite of that unorthodox razor, just to feel real pain, even if it was fleeting. Laurie caught on quickly enough, and in a fury, refused to punish me any longer. If I screwed up, if I kept giving in, my guilt would be the only retaliation I would receive. It took me a while to stop; I was still so blind and desperate, and I kept pitifully looking for the pain, the sick reward I would receive for self-destruction. It never came."
ARE WE STILL DOING THIS????????????

- COLLEGE BROKE US BECAUSE WE COULD NO LONGER RUN FROM TRIGGERS AND WE BEGAN TO SELFDESTRUCT.
"[Attacks] began to hit from the outside. I had no way of fighting it… In some instances I could quickly turn away, heaving, shaking, my arms wrapped tightly about my stomach... but most times I would be trapped in a classroom for two hours with a promiscuous professor, forced to stand by a woman whose stomach bore the result of an act I had nightmares about. I was no longer able to escape, and it was slowly driving me to the edge. I began to abuse myself again... mentally, physically, emotionally. Most nights I would be locked in the bathroom again, where no one could see me, where no one would interrupt. I'd kneel on the floor and quietly sob, uncontrollably, terrified of the mirror, terrified of the body I was in, of the thoughts and words and pictures and expectations that went with it. That's when I started having the nightmares and the breakdowns. I couldn't escape. Everywhere I looked there was danger, danger, danger. I refused to give in or give up... so what could I do? Then one day Laurie took me aside and looked at me with tired, solemn eyes. She only said a few words. If you can't escape... you need to desensitize yourself. That started it all. It was hell; pure hell. I only wanted to run, but now I found myself with my legs chained to the wall, the horrors of the world directly before my eyes, and the only way to stay sane was to simply become blind to it.
Or so I thought… What I didn't know is that in order to get through hell, I couldn't just turn around... I had to walk straight through the center of it first."
HOW MANY BLOODY NOUSFONI WERE BORN FROM THIS.
- DESENSITIZATION EFFORTS began when we were desperate and, seeking any coping method, attempted to "become used to" the horrors we were being constantly exposed to, in an effort to "numb ourselves" to the screaming terror on a daily basis. THIS BACKFIRED CATASTROPHICALLY.
- Step one: GET USED TO MIRRORS. This, unarguably, is what kept Natalie from resurrecting for YEARS, AND is what shattered what was left of our self-image: CANNON DIED AFTER THIS AND THE JAYCES TOOK OVER!!!
- JULIE JUMPED ON THIS AND KICKSTARTED THE "IT WOULDN'T HURT AT ALL IF YOU JUST AGREED WITH THEM & GAVE IN" FATAL MINDSET. THIS IS WHAT CREATED THE "SCIENTIST" AND OTHER HELL SPLINTER-NOUSFONI. "I began to look at the dangers and wonder if maybe I was the one who was wrong. I was so painfully naive. I was too frightened to stand up for myself or fight back. I was so broken and had so little faith in myself that I figured that I deserved to suffer... so I did."
- DISSOCIATION & DEPRESSION SPIKE. SUICIDE BECOMES AN OPTION AT THIS POINT.
- LAURIE HAD NO IDEA WHAT TO DO. We both thought, uncertainly, that "maybe if we realize how hellish this stuff TRULY IS, we will be motivated to fight it all the more"? but it failed, too. I was too weak, too scared, too tired, too doubtful of myself to defend myself. so laurie said, RUN TO HER. and she would overload me with physical pain, to the point where NO ONE ELSE COULD DO ANYTHING. this sort of "torture override" may have been the only thing preventing hacks for a WHILE.
- tragically, Julie PUSHED FIGURE DRAWING and we gave in. and this SUCCEEDED IN "GETTING USED TO IT." this began the infamous "estar problem" and God knows it was LITERAL HELL.
- we began to think we were a lesbian, NOT REALIZING IT WAS BECAUSE "I WAS ALREADY USED TO THAT TOO" and it just fed into the "numb self-annihilation drive" we were riding
A MONTH PRIOR TO THIS ENTRY-- roughly the end of april, early may (check entries???)-- WE FIRST CUT THE BODY WITH A RAZOR.
  "See, at this point you might be asking yourself 'if you're suffering so badly, and hate doing that to yourself so much, then why don't you just stop??' I wish it were that easy; I truly do. However, for some sick reason, whenever I get that destructive 'urge,' I go into a sort of locked-up mindset. All I can think about is what I'll do to myself, and often times I disassociate. I'll be destroying my body or my mind and the entire time, I'll be cut off from all my immediate senses, and imagining that this is happening to someone else, maybe in a completely different way. It's scary. I honestly won't see, hear, or otherwise notice anything that's going on around me unless it strongly catches me off guard, hence why it's hard to break out of those bad states, those 'Julie hacks.' Maybe I'll imagine some poor child being mangled by an attacker, who's telling him that unless he lets them hurt him, they'll kill his family. Maybe it'll be one of my characters, caught up in some nightmare they can't escape from. Maybe it'll even be me in another form, me as a Celebi, being ravaged by some brutal Pokemon-catcher group. God only knows... but either way, once I finish up whatever I'm doing, I invariably end up in one of three situations... 1, curled up in the corner and sobbing hysterically, 2, standing in front of the mirror and screaming at it... maybe picking up another 'weapon' and 'punishing' myself in a vicious cycle (sometimes I turn on the faucet until the water is scalding, then burn my hands several times... one time I even hid a knife on the towel rack so I could saw at my chest with it)... or 3, silently walking out into the living room, lying down on the couch, and blankly staring at the wall. Thoughtless, numb. Unwilling to even remember. When I wake up tomorrow I won't recall the evening at all.
If I could turn off this horrid drive, I would have done so years ago. It's a day-by-day war for me."
THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED IN NORTH CAROLINA!?!??!?!?!!!!!!
ALSO WAS TOBY BORN FROM THAT FIRST "THREATENED CHILD" MINDSET????
AND WHO THE BLOOD WOULD TAKE OVER IN OPTION 2 THERE???
BLACK LIGHT MACHINE SAVING OUR LIFE AGAIN = "YOU'RE THE ONE, AND THE ONE YOU MUST SURVIVE"
  CZ ULTIMATUM = "IF YOU LOVE ME-- IF YOU LOVE ANYONE-- YOU'LL STOP DOING THIS." but also, " An ultimatum. One I couldn't possibly break. I wondered why they hadn't given it to me before, but then I remembered how weak I was, how willing I was to toss everything away. I remembered that day I decided my life was beyond saving, and I remembered waking up the next morning."
- btw seeing him in dreams was RARE before this; ONLY NOW was when he started appearing in dreams TO PROTECT ME, which he now does CONSISTENTLY
- "THEY HAD BEEN SPEAKING." = this was the time period when Chaos & Laurie began to see eye-to-eye & become friends
  KEY REALIZATION = "I NEED PAIN. Oh yes, I need it. I need moments of extreme, gut-wrenching emotion, that shatter everything around you and force your perspective to change. Pain. I was getting it confused with other things for so long; awful things that lied, that pretended to be what I needed." YOU NEED CATHARSIS, KIDDO!!!!
- SHOCK SITE THERAPY: " I have never flinched so hard. I could barely watch the next three minutes, but I forced myself to anyway... not because I was expected to, not because I had been told to, but because this was real, this was wrong, and I knew it.
Catharsis. Extreme emotion. The pain I need."
  THIS WAS ALSO WHEN WE STARTED HAVING NOTABLE TROUBLE WITH "SEXUALITY" IN GENERAL. We were not attracted to people & felt no response at nudity, even in forcing ourselves through figure drawing: "I did not enjoy it at all, and there was no sexual anything… I'd be looking straight at some gal and I'd be wondering how the heck anyone would be attracted to that in the first place. At first I was fine with that. Then I brought it up to my mom and therapists, and they said something was wrong with me. So I started trying to 'force' myself (again; what was wrong with me??) to see something in it, although the very thought of it made me ill."
BUT THEN I MET JENA. "…and something weird happened. Yeah, I could just barely handle the figure drawing thing, but I didn't know those people. The art objectified them, which I loathed. But Jen? Forget it; I love her, and she's not taking her shirt off around me. See the difference? Having that direct, intense conflict between what I was feeling and what I was being told to feel forced me out of that [forced-lesbian] stage pretty darn fast. Sure, I'd still have my moments of 'but what if they're right?', I'll admit it, but ultimately it all came down to what I was unwilling to compromise, ironically." AND THAT'S CHAOS ZERO'S ULTIMATUM.
- STILL TERRIFIED OF "CURVY" WOMEN & "PHYSICAL FEMININITY" = "The whole chest size thing that some guys obsess over? It scares me. I can't handle sexuality, even if one doesn't act upon it. If you're visibly showing something that I perceive as sexual, such as a large chest or a promiscuous outfit or big hips, I will likely act a bit panicky around you… I'm going to be frightened."

BTW. EVEN THOUGH INFINITII GOT THE HIPS, NO ONE GOT "CHEST SIZE." THAT IS STILL HORRIFYING TO US.
ALSO OH NO I SEE HOW THIS GOT CORRUPTED. We were "only attracted to" BOYISH GIRLS WITH BONY FIGURES AND FLAT CHESTS. It was that purity and androgyny that we felt "sensually drawn to" and LATER ON, IT BECAME WARPED TO INCLUDE CHILDREN DURING THE NC HELL. This was probably because, once we became exposed to real "queer" people and learned that mature women who LOOKED safe were NOT safe, our brain thought "well then the ONLY people who WON'T hurt us are KIDS" and… well. You remember what happened to the League, too, with that.
"See, I like the deepest elements of things, the most truly personal things. I like bones, I like scars, I like tendons and veins and freckles and eyes and the way people move. I'm asexual, but... I'm addicted to intimacy. Extreme intimacy… I have this weird addiction to fragility, to things people take for granted, to hidden things, to secrets. I get it for most things, really, and sometimes it'll hit hard and out of nowhere. It's the reason why, when I got Apollo (my Macbook), I first looked through every file I could find on him, learned what everything on his keyboard was, put my nose up to his screen just to see the individual pixels... turned him off, turned him over, took him apart. Looked at every little piece. Put him back together and memorized every different texture on him. Details. I do it to music, too... I'll listen to the same song, over and over, for hours... maybe repeating the same two seconds just to hear a certain chord, or a certain echo, or the way his voice cracks, or the way she breathes in, or the way I can hear the musician's finger touch a string on that one note. Maybe I'll just listen to every instrument individually, maybe I'll just hold my headphones against my ears, close my eyes, and lose myself… sometimes I get it with people. I get it with those girls, the ones I feel close to.
I'll want to memorize the exact color of her eyes, the way her hair feels through my fingers. I'll want to run my fingers over her shoulder blades and feel her heart beat and listen to the way her breath catches sometimes. Is that romantic? I don't know what to call it; it's almost a drive. It's like I need to feel that even if I can't explain why… [but] it's always one sided. Always one sided. Maybe it's simply because I don't feel I exist in the physical world, not genuinely. Maybe it's because I don't see myself as a 'lover' or 'partner,' just a compassionate and selfless observer. But I don't want to be seen back. I only want the other person to know that they are deeply loved, that's all."
WE LOST THIS BECAUSE OF NORTH CAROLINA AND I WANT IT BACK!!!!

060210
-Started "hallucinating" about the unicorns.

060310
- THE BEAR & LAURIE DREAM!!!
- Also with Perfect and me flying into his "heart" to BECOME THE RUBY. He also told me he wanted me to stay with him "for the rest of [his] entire life"
- Oh yeah! and THIS. "…there was a small group of people holding up a large amount of colorful spheres up to me and demanding that I 'sing.' I originally thought the spheres were 'onions,' as they were covered in a sort of concentric 'skin' that looked like thick plastic. They also appeared to be lit dimly from the inside. Some were pink, some were yellow, and some were white-- but the most striking thing about them is that most of them appeared to be rotting. The few that were being practically shoved into my face were almost entirely rotted, and looked positively horrid. Regardless, the people still kept shouting that I 'sing' for them, but I said nothing. At one point the man who was holding the onion-things thrust them towards my face so sharply I thought he was going to hit me, and I couldn't help but cry out a bit. Someone behind him laughed and commented that it was the 'closest thing to a song' they were probably going to get from me."
- I was ALSO flying around as a Celebi!
- AND THE PHAGOPHOS. They would "possess" people and their "inflicted vice" was EMPTINESS. The ONLY thing that gave us hope was my saying 'All Jewel Monsters are good at heart.' and one HEARD me and FELT SOMETHING, transmuting its emptiness!!!!

JUNE BEGAN THE MULTIPLE FEW-SENTENCE FRAGMENT ENTRIES.
I ALSO BEGAN HAVING BREAKDOWNS AND CALLING OFF OF WORK.


061710
- BETWEEN THE 12TH & NOW I AM SUDDENLY IN UTAH?????????
- "LAURIE LOST IT"
- "I was subjected to 40+ solid minutes of physical/mental torture, which had no discernible motive other than inducing crushing guilt and self-deprecating thoughts for the sake of "punishment." The most terrifying part wasn't the pain in itself... it was her absolute refusal to stop, negotiate, or even explain herself. Not only that, but Chaos tried to intervene on my part, and she attacked him so severely and abruptly that he actually bled. Needless to say I was in a total panic by now.
...After qlok showed up and therefore rendered her incapacitated (at least temporarily), Chaos, Marik, Bakura, & I tried to figure out what had happened. We couldn't. For the first time in my 4 years of knowing her, Laurie had visibly unwound... unhinged, even. I think she might've even been blind; she didn't seem able to comprehend ANYTHING, let alone those around her. She insisted everything we spoke was a lie and was apparently focused (albeit in a very frantic manner) on the senseless mania that was dictating her actions. I don't know if she slept or not. I was, understandably, afraid to sleep, as she had been severely hacking my 'dreams' when I tried to escape the night before. I'm worried sick. If my own superego is going through this, what's going to happen to the rest of us?"

061810
- XANGA WITH LAURIE.
- CORE AVATAR IS NOW RED "JAYCE". GOING BY "JEWEL" STILL.
You'd better be sorry, you bastard. Look at what you've done.
Laurie, is this really my fault though? They wanted me to come here. I'm doing this for them.
Don't lie to me, bitch. They had no idea what sort of pain you would cause them. Remember what you did to her Wednesday night? You heard those sobs! That was YOUR FAULT.
oh shit I remember what this was
just… read this entire entry to the therapist, okay?
key points
- " He's not yours, and neither is she! …You're tearing them apart! You're a glitch in the program, an extra variable that throws everything out of sync. They don't need or want you."
- She mentioned how my loving Chaos "enough to die for him" was ALSO "going to cause a conflict"; I insisted that was "settled" but she insisted otherwise.
- I just deal the punishment you deserve. You're the one laying down the cards… I know EXACTLY what you're trying to pull here, and that's why I refuse to let you lie your way out of it.

061810
- "compassion" poem. about mel and qlok. remember this affected them STRONGLY. read this in therapy.
- I awoke this morning to find you in my arms. Now he holds you the same.
I feel no pain, no envy... such things cannot exist for the sake of love.
I simply feel purposeless. An extra wheel; an accidental addition.
I am intruding upon something I relinquished a lifetime ago.
My chandelier has shattered; yours is picturesque.
My presence only forebodes a fate I swore I would never let you suffer.
So what do I do?"

062010
- "I was supposed to be their guardian angel. I was supposed to protect them. I did what I could, but... God forgive me, we came so close."
- CAR CRASH CAR CRASH CAR CRASH!!!!

062110
- finally got laurie's point.
1) I am currently living in the same state as 2 individuals I care for very much.
2) Of those 2 individuals, one of them used to 'be in a relationship' with me, and is now in a very strong relationship with the other.
3) As a result of this connection between the two, I cannot show any sort of love to either of them without feeling like a criminal.
AND THEY WERE TREATING ME LIKE IT, TOO.
- "I am over 2000 miles away from the place I've called 'home' for the past 2 decades, and it's only now that I finally realize what 'home' should feel like."
  I was driving through Cottonwood Heights this morning and as I looked at the scenery around me, I asked myself why I felt so apprehensive. No, I'd never been there before... I knew very few people and places there, and if I had been left on a street corner I would have had no idea where to turn. And yet, we would all feel that initial fear upon arriving in a 'new' place. It's natural... we need our security, our comfort, our familiarity. We also forget that those things need to develop, with no exceptions. That is the reason why I need my outside love. To me, that's the only thing I need to feel at home. My books, my music, my work... they all contain countless hours of that love. And yet there's something terribly intriguing about having another soul in your life to give love to as well. That's why I'm suffering. That's why I'm so numb right now. I couldn't handle the relentless ache of keeping everything inside, of keeping everything hidden, when I finally had a possible chance to let it all out. I traveled 2000 miles and took so many risks just to be here, just to be here for them. I put everything on the line for their love, just to find that I could not give it back... that I could not free this relentless light trapped within my ribcage. It began to burn, so I hid it. Right about now, I'd give anything just to feel that pain again.
I STILL HAVE FLASHBACKS TO THAT EXACT EVENT!!!

062210
- SELF IMAGE IS NOW SOLIDLY MALE. "... I've never had a definite or visual idea of what I'd like to have until the past few months. Even stranger, in every single 'vision' I have of my future, I'm physically Jayce."
-






082810
- I'm currently in Utah. I don't want to go home, and I don't want to stay here. Everywhere I go, I find myself twisting myself to fit expectations, blindly entertain people, avoid serious offense or whatever the heck else gets thrown at me. I'm so tired.
I'm also starting to get very sick physically. That's a direct result of my psychological problems, and as such I can't do a darn thing about it.

I'm actually at qlok's house right now, and both he and mel are here. I don't know what to do. I feel so numb and empty after this morning.
I was just 'hanging around' with qlok for a few hours, with Apollo (my Macbook if you didn't know), and having him there made me feel stupidly obligated to 'try and keep him amused.' What the heck. But yeah, mindless me decided to waste time on Tumblr and Halolz and all sorts of idiocy in a lame attempt to 'be interesting.' I'm so freaking sick of it.
What if I want to work? Can't you even respect what little privacy I have nowadays?
What if I just want to sit and actually think, huh? I don't need any of the 'fun' you like so much. I need something worthwhile. I just don't know how to come out and say that without condemning them all to hours of emotional pain whenever I'm around. I'm so freaking sorry.

This is why I don't like being around them, although I'm too afraid to speak it. I cannot ever be myself.

I am also SICK of being physically female. Even typing it makes me want to throw up or throw my computer across the room.
Yeah, I know this is a test from God. Be strong, right? But this horrific body is making me cruel, angry, and vengeful... it's not me. I'm terrified.
God, please, help me get through this. I don't know what to do and all I want to do is sleep until I feel right again.



082910
- KEY ENTRY?????
- Screw getting a girlfriend; right now I'd probably be happier if I never saw another biological female for the rest of my freaking life. Last night I was sent to hell.
Let's start at the beginning...
Yesterday, after I finished my Jayce-rant entry, mel went into some sort of Laurie-state with (I assume) Parker: her own personal schadenfreudic headvoice, so to speak. Of course I was still stuck in this awfully numb state during it, so I had no idea what do do, let alone the means to do so.
Even better? I lost my only connection to Jena. Hello mental trauma.

- …I haven't been feeling anything other than this dull empty ache between my ribs, but according to mel I've been emitting such a negative energy signature that it's making them physically ill.














(to be continued!!)


prismaticbleed: (league)




Since my earliest days, I have been blessed with a vivid and thriving imagination. Before even starting school I began to write stories, creating entire worlds to play with, even composing little songs to accompany the characters and concepts I loved to watch playing out in my mind. As the years went on, these stories became more complex, maturing from simple child's tales into the heart-deep thoughts of a teenager, and later into rich and brilliant gems polished by adult experience and lit by undying youthful wonder. The League continues to grow, forever blooming anew, and I firmly believe God put me on this earth to share these bouquets of creative beauty for His sake. Developing a League website will be my first formal effort towards that end. It is my sincere hope that the many LeagueWorlds debuting there will touch the hearts of every visitor with the same genuine joy that has illuminated mine in building them, and the sincere gratitude and loving wonder for the Creator of All Who made every heart that ever was.

Soli Deo gloria!



THE LEAGUE'S SECRET HEART

THE SONG OF THE SUFFERING SAVIOR

 

Before we expound the literal history of the League, we must first reveal and recognize its inmost soul. Yes, its infancy had a body built of colors and songs and imaginary critters, but deep in its heart, springing from my own heart, was a Source and Summit that invariably soaked into every aspect of each World I dreamed up, however small, however seemingly insignificant.

I was a very premature child, and even in my youth, I took pride in the fact that I had been baptized in the incubator, for fear that I would not survive the three months needed to stabilize, let alone the next three days. With that, I was a Roman Catholic from the first few hours of my fragile life, and that was something I later lived by to the best of my nascent ability. My grandmother is also deserving of the greatest thanks towards this end; she gave me a Bible which I read ravenously, taught me all my prayers, said a Rosary with me every night, and made sure I went to Mass every week with as much reverence as I could muster at that age. She also gave me my first prayer cards, my absolute favorite of which depicted Christ covered in deep raw wounds, a figure so shockingly deformed yet humble that I would easily lose track of time just staring at it. Something in that image spoke loudly to my own heart, and that stuck with me in an unexpected way, imprinting indelibly on my imagination. It made me a morbid child, and perhaps worried my teachers, that a kindergartener was drawing unicorns and dragons and bats with wounds over their own bleeding hearts, but that was already something I loved too strangely and strongly for it to not express itself in my ideas and art.

My Catholic faith thus continued to exercise a massive impact on the aesthetics and vibes of the budding League, in terms of it ultimately reflecting the same aspects I loved most in my religion. I had then, and still have, a powerful devotion to the Sacred & Immaculate Hearts, the Shoulder & Side Wounds of Christ, His Most Precious Blood, The Scourging, and the Crown of Thorns. I thought about Purgatory a lot, about angels, about Our Sorrowful Mother, and about saints with stigmata. In essence, the inherently Catholic concepts of sacred woundedness, love through suffering, life through death, and strength through vulnerability, became the fundamental cornerstone of the League at its very core. To this day, any Leagueworld lacking these qualities will quickly corrode and die. The reflection of and glory of God, especially in the very touchingly human life of Jesus Christ-- God with a body that breathed and bled like ours-- is the first and final goal of the League, both in its creation and in its communication, however uniquely that honor may be achieved in each.

 

 

THE LEAGUE BEGINS

THE SEEDS BEGIN TO BLOOM

 

My great-aunt, a Franciscan nun, gave me a gift at age three that I adored and still do: a giant plush unicorn with golden eyes and a backwards horn. I named her Unisalia, proclaimed her a queen, and went everywhere with her. She became my first imaginary friend, and many years later, would hold a position of utmost honor within the League... but I digress. In her sudden blessed bestowal, I can now see that already, before I even began dreaming up worlds of any solid sort, the Hand of God was planting the seeds.

My second imaginary friend appeared around 1996, and she was, quite frankly, utterly bizarre, but I loved her. She was the result of my obsession with a shoot-em-up game at the local truckstop that my dad introduced me to: one in which you had to kill invading aliens in order to secure a spaceship. Of course, my interest was not in the killing, but in the presence of death in its rawest, most blatant state-- wounds and blood and terrible openness. After some time I became unable to play the game because I kept daydreaming about aliens with softer hearts who weren't coldly spattered on impact, but who instead survived in a wounded vulnerable state and forced the offending soldiers to rethink their actions and open their own hearts to compassion as well. So with this dreaming, something common to my young mind, I ended up with an invisible friend who was a rainbow-skinned Xenomorph princess. She shone like glitter on glass and her name was Jewel and her mission was to evangelize everyone who dared to assume that an alien couldn't be Catholic. In my daydreams, she and her ever-growing gang of technicolor pals-- all named after gemstones-- would endure countless conflicts with humans who adamantly saw aliens as evil and deserving of death, whereas these were seeking only peace and compassion, repentance and forgiveness, determined to help humanity soften its global heart to not only extraterrestrials like them but also to its own people, who were treated as aliens by their fellow man. Oh, and every Xenomorph in my head carried a matching color rosary. It was pretty awesome.

My great-aunt passed away when I was six. It was a few days after my birthday. I remember standing in front of the washing machine in the middle of the night, my mom and dad obviously upset but trying to break it to me gently. She had been sick for a while, and being the religious child I was, I already knew she was approaching death, and I dreaded it. So judging by their behavior, I knew. I burst into tears and shouted at them both-- "you don't have to tell me, I already know she died!"-- and ran into my room to dissolve into wracking sobs. I knew what death was. I knew what the afterlife was. It didn't make the loss hurt any less. It didn't make me miss her any less.

I can still remember her funeral, the feeling of her cold cheek as I kissed it in the coffin, the smell of her habit, of her powdered skin, of the flowers. I hugged Unisalia tight when I got home, dizzy from my first funeral, and that dear unicorn became secretly associated now with not only the nun who brought her to me, but also with her death-- with that very mantra of memento mori. Remember that you will die too, but remember also, that it is not the end. Remember that, while you live this life, gifted to you from God, you have a responsibility to that Giver. And that responsibility is to prepare for this life's ever-nearing death, for that final door out of this world, for what-- and Who-- lies beyond. So live your life with your heart set on higher things... because those are the only things that last... the only things that are truly real.

One day, both Unisalia and I would also face death. But until then, we had a mission...

 

 

THE EARLY DAYS

THE BIRTH OF A UNIVERSE

 

In its earliest days, the League began just like any other world-- a vast and shifting sphere of pure potential, wonderful yet unstable. I wrote a great deal of short stories and imagined a great many creatures, but none of these projects belonged to anything greater and grander than themselves.

The first hint of a deeper thread was glimpsed around 1995 with one of my first "imaginary friends," a singing king cobra that I simply called "My Cobra." As this was the 1990s, he was the frontman in a 5-man band, the other members being a frilled lizard, a bat, a unicorn, and a dolphin... my favorite animals at the time. A childish concept, perhaps, but they were the first individuals to carry their own faces and names across many mindscapes, creating a history and reputation for themselves, and building their own unique personalities. Furthermore, this basic idea of a character group with a musical heart became a sort of greater heart to the nascent League, as my personal gift of musical composition invariably went hand-in-hand with my other creative pursuits. 


In 1996, the first hint of a solid "world" coalesced with a new character: Zimbo the Alien. He was an amusing fellow, described as popular and intelligent yet still proving to be hopelessly baffled by earth culture and technology. I spent many hours drawing him and his four color-coded friends flying about in saucer-bubble ships, protecting the earth from hostile invaders, and searching for new planets to explore. These two new concepts-- a character color spectrum and the notion of good versus evil-- were truly the two deepest seeds of the League to come, as they would blossom again and again over the years in its Worlds. 



(...)

prismaticbleed: (Default)


BASIC SPECTRUM SENSORY RESONANCES

 

RED

blood, fire.
fireplaces?

 

BROWN

old buildings: libraries, the misericordia music building

brown is specifically the smell of furnished wood + brass
bone, earth, stone.

tree bark, raw dark wood, coffee shop & nutmeg smells.
the texture/ smell/ taste/ temperature of raw rich dirt
the rocks in shadrine, the smell and texture

 

ORANGE

the smell of violin rosin and performance halls.
violins-- the wood color and the smell.
autumn leaves, especially at the string shop!

tea?

YELLOW
lighter hues are Easter flowers.

sparklers in summer.

golden bokeh, like from city night lights on Broadway.

 

LIME
citrusy, like raw limes and lemons. summery.
bright green ripe grass, the smell of it

wide open fields, insects

 

GREEN
the deep wet dark forests in summer.

deciduous trees. moss. little tiny flowers. ferns.

bioluminescence?

 

AQUA

sparkles on the surface when underwater.

 

SKY
fresh air.

bright blue summer skies with fluffy clouds.

mirrors, reflections

beach coves, broad open still water.

 

BLUE

led lights, especially on trees

the glow of technology, not screens but power lights

 

INDIGO

churches, incense smoke

ice, frost, misty rocky mountain tops with snow

old stone cathedrals

 

VIOLET

 

PINK

rosewater. climbing roses. very delicate scent.

cherry blossoms/ trees.

 

CERISE

raspberry chocolate filling

silks? big smooth couches you can sink into

 

WHITE

rainbows, window crystals, kaleidoscopes

iridescence of the 90s sort

snowflakes

white cathedrals?

 

GRAY

pinstripe suits.

classy sunlit office buildings in New York.

 

BLACK

the night sky, studded with stars

velvet

iridescence like an oil slick

dark opera halls, basilicas

crystal chandeliers

strings of diamonds and pearls

the smell of mountain laurel, night jasmine, magnolia blossoms?


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

WHEN CORRUPTED………

 

RED

 

BROWN

artificial wood, bargain basements

 

ORANGE

 

YELLOW

flat landscapes, wheat fields, dry grass, dry wind

 

LIME

 

GREEN

 

AQUA

 

SKY

 

BLUE

 

INDIGO

 

VIOLET

 

PINK

neon pink lights

 

CERISE

 

WHITE

 

GRAY

 

BLACK




-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

KINDS OF TEETH

what is shredding?

 

RED

DARK RED are soft, for sinking into things

perfectly, into velvet or blood.

like the clean cut alter. into meat.

BRIGHT RED are for cutting, not eating.

using teeth like knives. like a paper-shearing blade.

BROWN

more like eating?

ORANGE

Halloween vibe, no sugar.

like a sparkler, but not fizzy. popping like pop rocks.

for crunching and crackling.

YELLOW

for baring fangs, anger, yelling and barking.

no biting though. just sharp teeth rage, like wreckage.

LIME

for laughing, springtime running victory laughing.

for grinning.

GREEN

quiet. maybe for whistling.

for breathing in through the teeth.

AQUA

water. for drinking. tend to melt into themselves.

SKY

for talking. conscious light talking.

bright but calm communication.

BLUE

have a feeling of "right before speaking"

wanting to stay quiet but open to speech.

late night talks. talking at night, in a formal place.

INDIGO

very quiet, silent, but charged. very strong internally.

hooded mage feeling. still bright, good, holy.

chanting? prayers? devotion.

VIOLET

for preaching in the sense of rallying.

calling people, prophesying?

the sense of someone standing on a hilltop and saying "oh my brethren, my brothers, this is our role, our great purpose, this is our holy work, etc."

PINK

for soft smiling and words of kindness.

smaller kind happy words, like to a child.

CERISE

WHITE

joyous? being so in awe, you want to laugh or smile but cant really talk.

blooming-up, giddy, inner happiness kind of thing.

GRAY

for data. like reading in a library.

BLACK

are completely silent. for deep silence.

 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

KINDS OF FIRE

 

RED

burns angry and solid red burn, "to ashes"

not afraid of it, but it has a scary heavy power

wide, lower zigzag. 'thick.'

BROWN

not really fire? no burn, just covering, can touch.

warm. like a protective wall or shield.

very slow, low, wide zigzag.

ORANGE

burns warm, slowly burns things down to spark embers.

"okay with it"

medium, general zigzag.

YELLOW

sharp loud tall "yelling"

run from it, scary, will burn you like needles

catch on your skin like you were paper

tight, sharp, tall zigzag. like needles.

LIME

cauterizing?

sharp burn like alcohol on the skin, at hospitals.

slightly curved, sharp tall zigzag.

starting to look like leaves

GREEN

not destructive. feels like menthol burn on the skin.

AQUA

SKY

BLUE

INDIGO

VIOLET

no "burn" but totally dissolutes any impurities instantly

PINK

CERISE

WHITE

GRAY

BLACK

frightening intensity, like underground glow in a coal pit.
burns on the inside, not on the outside.


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

TASTE

 

RED

strawberries, blood, tomatoes,

a sort of bright solid richness, "umami" edge?

BROWN

cinnamon? nutmeg,

dry, powdery spice? not really sweet or spicy or anything.
earthy.

ORANGE

oranges? carrots, sweet potatoes,

YELLOW

butter? not fake. not creamy. it's the salt richness?

oddly variant?

LIME

slightly grassy and piquant. like lemon on wheatgrass.

GREEN

dark green lettuce, kale,

very vegetable-y. not grassy.

AQUA

SKY

BLUE

INDIGO

VIOLET

incense smoke.

not 'edible' but can take it in more intimately than food?

breathing.

PINK

delicate sweetness, like a sugar cube

CERISE

cherry cheesecake?

rich, dense. has a crumbliness to it like cocoa.

sweet, but NOT overpowering. refined?

WHITE

GRAY

BLACK

 


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

It's a very "brown" anger, though. Compact and solid and heavy, but with that red burn of his eyes. Very different than plain red anger. The red is just a buzz edge.

Kid you say the weirdest flipping things but I think I get what you mean. Stern anger with an edge that could explode any second?

Not so much "explode" as "burn." It's red, not yellow.



prismaticbleed: (Default)


THE PRISMBLOOD CATHEDRAL SYSTEM

~2000-2015+



GENERAL INFORMATION

According to our therapists, we have what is known as Dissociative Identity Disorder. In our terms, this simply means that we are a multitude of individuals all residing within one physical body.
We are an unusual case however, as our System was created specifically to function internally, as this was not only our original core's "default" state of existence, but also because we experienced significant inner trauma more often than we experienced outer trauma. Because of this, most of our members rarely "front" in the body as they have no need to (their roles concern our inner life).
Due to a lack of social interaction, a rather dysfunctional family, and an all-consuming imagination, the original child grew up with a very unusual view of reality, colored by magical thinking and an ignorance of how other, non-troubled individuals functioned. As this way of life did not alter until the body was about 17, our inner world reflects this weird and wonderful perspective.
Our System runs on a set of complex but fantastic rules, which some have compared to an RPG or a video game, but which is honestly how our core individuals see the world. There is a great deal of symbolism here, as well as a great emphasis on the power of thought, and the importance of love. Despite the terrors we have  all experienced, our lives together make a strangely inspiring tapestry of growth and wisdom, a long and arduous tale that ultimately reaches a happiness we once thought unattainable. The often "fantastic" operations of our inner world only serve to compliment that, helping us all believe that nothing is impossible, and that we can all rise above and beyond the painful dregs of fear we were born from.

 


VOCABULARY
We have a large and varied vocabulary of System-related terms that are often confusing or vague to those outside of headspace, or unaware of our structure. Following is an alphabetical list of those terms, with definitions.

active: A term meaning "actively accessible or functioning." Refers to both alters and locations.

alter: Interchangeable with "headvoice."

anchor: The "purpose" of a headvoice, and a requirement for manifestation. Anchors occur when sufficient mental energy is focused on a certain quality or concept that is detached from other System members. This collected energy then coalesces into a headvoice, who then acts as both a protector and manifestation of that concept or quality, which in turn becomes their "function." Anchors can be benevolent or malevolent, and they can change, although this is a difficult process. Anchors will bond to fitting Spectrum colors if and when they become strong or important enough within the System. Also see "function."
anchor, level: The level of headspace that a headvoice typically (or exclusively) lives and works within. This level is determined by function, but is unaffected by color. Level anchors can only change if an alter's function changes accordingly (a rare and difficult process), or if they are promoted to Central.
anchoring: The process of finding, solidifying, or gaining an anchor. Often interchangeable with "manifestation" when the individual anchoring has not had a solid form prior to doing so, and gains one afterward.

archivists: Alters whose function it is to manage and distribute stored memory information to other alters. Originally called "data voices."

atonement: The process of physically scarring the body in order to "bleed out" internal corruption, as is the mandatory post-hack procedure. Atonement began in 2010 when the true motive of hacks was discovered.

atoners: Old name for Retributors.

beetles: Insects first seen in the Chthonic levels, color unknown. They appear to be benevolent, and helped save Infinitii's life.

blackspace: One of the two realms of "raw" headspace; Blackspace deals with organics and the subconscious. It is an unending realm of raw Black energy, effectively the "cosmic womb" that every alter manifests from in both body and mind. Blackspace is "below" the bodymap and so it does not exist in any fixed location, but it can be visited, resembling an endless, liquid black ocean with no surface or walls. It is spherical in form. It cannot be consciously manipulated. Infinitii, and possibly all daemons, are intrinsically linked to this space.

body map: Also "bodymap." The visual correlation between Headspace's vertical level structure and the physical body. Roughly, Central corresponds to the brain while the Chthonic levels correspond to the lower abdomen/ base of spine.

Blood Lotus Cathedral: A massive, lotus-shaped cathedral, originally discovered and formed as the "soulspace" of the 2012 Core. Although originally located in floatspace, it has since become the "heart" of Central City. It is a highly enigmatic location in recent times. May also be used as a collective "story" term for our System's past experiences.

bubblespace: The specific floatspace pocket that Infinitii resides in.

cathartic block: The situation in which an individual is unable to express and fully comprehend emotions. This is common with Plague infestation, or when Fogbank is fronting.
Central: A specific area of upper headspace within Central City, the first area to manifest in our entire inner world. It resembles a penthouse suite, located at the top of a skyscraper, overlooking the City. It has been stabilized into a sort of "safe space" for the Spectrum Cores in our System, who typically reside and work there. "Central" may also be used as a collective term to refer to those alters.

Central City: The main area of headspace: a small NYC-like city bordering an ocean and two large forests. Its geography resembles Rio de Janeiro.

Centralite: Any single member of Central.

channel: An "open path" in the mind/body that a headvoice uses in order to front, speak, or write.

chthonics: Alters that natively reside in the Chthonic level.

co-fronting: When two or more alters are driving the body at the same time.

color core: See "Spectrum core."

color realms: See "Realms."

core color: See "Spectrum core."
core: See "System core."
connection: In the proper context, this is a term for an act of intimate spiritual "bonding" between two or more individuals in headspace. This is a term borrowed from the Dream World Leagueworld, as it is essentially the same process. Connections can also vary in "color."

daemon: A heartspace creature born from the hidden shadows/vices of an individual: essentially, a manifestation of "what you are afraid of within yourself." A daemon is meant to promote total self-love and acceptance, while not sugarcoating or ignoring those darker sides. The daemon phenomenon has currently only been observed in humans within the System.

daemon realms: Isolated floatspace pockets that daemons typically reside in for the sake of safety and secrecy.

data voices: Original term for the Archivist alters.
destabilization: Existential "decay" that occurs when a headvoice loses their anchor, due to function collapse or corruption. It is often lethal.

downstairs: A term used to refer to the physical world/life outside of headspace: essentially what our body must participate in to survive.
driving: a term for the process of a headvoice directly and consciously controlling the physical body. Adopted because this often feels like driving a car or similar machine, something separate from the actual self. Interchangeable with "fronting."

ego:

a mindless conglomeration of expectations, not an actual personification or true consciousness
faceless: Literally, "without a manifested form." Most socials, splinters, and voices are faceless, and therefore very hard to identify.

faceless voices: Any headspace-originated "voice" that does not have a manifested form. Not interchangeable with 'floating voices.'

floating voices: A non-alter "voice" heard outside the head. These voices can be either helpful or actively harmful, usually the latter, yet it is often difficult to tell the difference. They may claim to be angels, demons, aliens, guides, etc. Floating voices predate the System's formation by several years. They also appear to be frightened or intimidated by System members, especially Laurie and Infinitii, and will "disappear" if such individuals make themselves known.

floatspace: Any visitable place in headspace/heartspace that has no fixed location, or which exists specifically in a non-physical place. These locations are frequently "self-contained" and very small.

fragment: …

See "splinter."

neutrality splinter. conscious in trauma or meltdowns. goal is to simply exist of the world
unhinged, emotionless, deep inspiration drive, possible alternate creation ability, silent, fragile, strange, detached, connected. despite unsettling demeanor, feels universally, completely open

fronter: A headspace individual who regularly fronts in the body, or if used in the active sense, the current individual doing so.
fronting: When a headvoice directly controls the body as its presenting consciousness. Interchangeable with "driving."

function: The role which a headvoice is sworn to fulfilling. Headvoices with unstable or unclear functions can die from the lack of stabilization, while those with "function overload" may corrupt to an equally lethal extreme. Also see "anchor."

function, inborn: A function that was inherent in an alter upon their manifestation.

function, inflicted: A function that was bestowed upon an alter after their manifestation. This is rare, and most frequently occurs when destabilization and/or anchor slippage occurs.

function overload: Occurs when an alter takes their function to a destructive and/or malevolent extreme, resulting in slippage and possibly destabilization.

Fusion:

ghosting: When an outspacer "half-appears" in the physical realm, as an intuitively perceptible being, in order to accompany the current fronter (typically a Core). Headvoices can also do this, but it must be learned, and it is difficult for them to remain ghosting for long.

graves: The series of 42 linear scars up and down the body's forearms. They were the first retributive actions taken, when it was discovered that hacks were destroying the creativity tied to the Leagueworlds, effectively "aborting" potential worlds and individuals before they had a chance to manifest. Laurie mandated that every hack from then on must be followed by a scar-- a "grave" for those lost as a result.
hack: A malevolent and typically traumatic attack from inside the System. Hacks can be either physical (forced fronting and abuse of the body) or non-physical (psychological warfare, induced nightmares). The term itself refers to both the brutal, sudden pain and terror of such incidents (i.e. "to deal cutting blows"), and the technological slang of "breaking into (a server) from a remote location to steal or damage data." Hacks are always perpetrated by corrupted individuals, most notably Julie (in the old timelines) and Sharona.

hack, dream: A hack that occurs while asleep, during a nightmare. Typically bleeds over into the body, but this can be prevented if a benevolent force intervenes in-dream.
headspace: The huge inner world we all reside in. It is a catchall term for all locations within, as long as they are related to the System. As of 2014 the term "heartspace" is now used to refer to Central's active living location, while "headspace" refers to the inner world at large, and Central prior to 2014.
headvoice: A non-corporeal individual born from headspace, within headspace. This term is interchangeable with the common DID term "alter."

heartspace: A replacement term for "headspace," used after the reset attempt in Dec 2013. It is meant to more properly indicate our function and purpose, as opposed to the hackers and floating voices.

heartvoice: A replacement term for "headvoice," used after the reset attempt in Dec 2013. It is meant to more properly distinguish between alters and the floating voices. It is usually used to refer to Centralites.
holder: Also "slot holder." Used to refer to any headvoice that is anchored to a color slot.

insects: Also "bugs." The myriad of insects that have been observed within our System, on multiple levels. Their purpose is unknown. They can be either benevolent or malevolent.
inspacer: An individual residing in headspace whose native world is a Leagueworld. See "outspacer."

invisible audience: A humorous term referring to the theoretical "readers" of our online posts.

Jewel: A prestigious title given to the Cores in our System that have connections to Dream World.
Jewel bloodline: A collective referral to the many artist fronters that have held the "Jewel" title in some way. This "bloodline" of function began in 2002, and has continued through at least four other individuals since then. The phenomenon itself is tied to the Leagueworlds and as such we know little about it.
johnny-nighter: A term referring to a night when we do not sleep, and instead stay awake typing nonstop until 5 or 6 AM. Sleep after that point is optional. Coined in 2009, a reference to the JTHM comic quote: "I don’t sleep; I have better things to do."

kything: A term reverently adopted from Madeleine L'Engle's books, this refers to a non-verbal, almost "spiritual" manner of communication between headspace individuals. It allows emotions, perceptions, and similar inner feelings to be shared instantly, on a level of intuitive understanding, and without the struggle of vocabulary translation. It is only possible if one is open to it.
Leagueworld: An inner world outside of headspace, which is intrinsically separate from it, and which the Jewel bloodline functions to learn and write about. There are approximately 15 of these Worlds to our current knowledge, including Dream World and Rosewindow. It is not impossible for individuals from Leagueworlds to interact with the System (e.g. Mister Sandman), but such individuals are usually reality-jumpers, and/or are similarly unhindered by their native universe limits.
Lightraye: The formal collective subtitle for both our System and the Leagueworlds (e.g. "Lightraye League," "Lightraye System"). It is also used as a surname for those in key positions there.

lilies: Flowers associated with Infinitii. Their current purpose is unknown.

limbo: "The grayish void between realms upstairs." Possibly actual Grayspace. Rarely used term, but refers to a legitimate location.

Links: Mental/spiritual connections formed between two or more individuals in two or more different worlds, "linking" them across space and time.
"When Jewel was younger, his consciousness would 'branch out' rather uncontrollably. Because of this he'd often 'catch' the vibrations of same-level individuals outside our system (i.e. media sources), effectively creating a sort of energetic bridge for them to enter headspace if they so wished. Few individuals were able to enter, though, and even fewer were able to stay. Those who did exhibited a peculiar sort of "resonance" with our inner energy field that effectively made them just as much a part of this system as we are, and may even be mandatory for such a scenario."

Lotus Cathedral: The "Leagueworld" title for our System; essentially, what we call the "story" of our lives. Originally synonymous with "Blood Lotus Cathedral."

Lower headspace: The level of headspace immediately below Midspace, but above the Underground. It holds "triggered" alters who are not destructive.
manics:

manifestation: The process of forming or solidifying a body within headspace.

massacre: A term referring to one specific reset event on December 28th 2013, in which Cannon and Jessica attempted to kill every existing headvoice and therefore destroy the System. It was nearly successful-- active headspace was nearly razed, and both active Cores were presumed dead. The System did survive but regeneration has been an arduous process, as we are effectively starting from base zero this time.

metainomen:

metainomenai: Plural form of “metainomen.”

Midspace: "Middle headspace." The level of headspace at 'street level.' It is effectively neutral, and holds alters who are passively benevolent. Social alters of such function may also appear here.
midspacer: An alter who natively resides in Middle Headspace, or "midspace." During the early days of the Spectrum this term instead referred to all outspacers/inspacers.

mindspill: A term for an archival entry written mostly via the A.P., enabling for rapid cycling of "authors" without the stress of having to front or enter the body to do so. Mindspill entries are rarely capitalized, may not contain grammar, and typically jump between several topics without necessarily concluding any.

Mirror Oasis (Room):

mistranslation: A term referring to circumstances upon which a certain experience and/or expression cannot find a fitting outlet and is forced into another, often harmful context. Typical in hacks.

old girls: Any of the destructive and/or malevolent alters that existed prior to Jewel becoming the core. Typically refers to Jessica or Jezebel, but also includes several faceless voices.

original child: The unidentified, possibly unsalvageable individual that assumedly lived in this body prior to headspace's inception. S/he may exist only in broken pieces of alters by this point.

overlay: Occurs whenever a headvoice fronts in the body. It is an intuitive "mask" of the headvoice's actual appearance, superimposed upon the physical form to decrease dysphoria and increase coherent functioning. Considered a sort of "personal identification" as fronters can often be retroactively identified by looking ath their overlay records. Only faceless voices do not emit overlays.
outspace: Physical, body-experienced reality, i.e. anything outside of headspace. Also called "the waking world."
outspacer: An individual residing in headspace whose native world exists outside of headspace, typically from a media source. Also called "walk-ins," along with inspacers. These individuals are similar to "soulbonds" in multiple systems, although we do not often use that term. They differ from headvoices in both role and behavior, and are not inherently tied to the System, although it imposes strict requirements on any eligible individuals. It is not uncommon for outspacers to be suddenly blocked from entering headspace in disaster situations.

Plague: A self-aware mass of corrupted White energy, that has taken up residence within headspace. Its true age is unknown, as it did not begin evidencing until after the Tar gained its own physical form. The Plague's main vices are pride and apathy, and it appears to seek only the passive annihilation of the System-- a reset which would be unrecoverable from.

plague rooms:

(attempted hack of whitespace)

programming: Internalized subconscious behavior and/or thought processes that are typically harmful and devoid of self-awareness and personal truth.

raw headspace: The ethereal material that our entire inner world is built from. See "whitespace" and "blackspace."

realms: Also "color realms." Refers to a specific area of heartspace that is dedicated to alters of a specific Spectrum color. This is a post-massacre phenomenon and as such, not much is yet known about it.
reset attempt: An attempt to annihilate the System, with or without hope of regeneration.

reset: A "successful" reset attempt. None have been permanently successful, but all have had serious and often traumatic lasting consequences.

resurrection: The phenomenon in which a 'dead' alter is suddenly brought back to life. This can only occur at the will of the System itself.

Retributor: An alter whose main role is to deliver atonement. Collectively "Retributors."

roses:
Scratch: A term which refers to one specific hard-reset event that occurred on February 24th 2013, in which our current fronter attempted to annihilate the entirety of headspace, and return to a pre-trauma mindset. Although ultimately unsuccessful, the Scratch attempt had such severe and permanent consequences that we now refer to our current time as "post-Scratch," and the time before the 24th as "pre-Scratch."

slippage: Also "slipping." Markedly out-of-character or corrupted behavior, which occurs when an alter begins to lose their anchor or corrupt their function. This is a "warning" phenomenon and it is not lethal unless allowed to continue unchecked.
slots: Also "color slots." A term for any color in the Spectrum held by a headvoice. For example, Laurie Uberich holds the VIOLET slot. This means that her energy resonance is VIOLET, and no other headvoice can hold that exact color while she does.
socials: A casual term for a group of mostly-unidentified voices who front the most frequently, due to not having body anchors. Also called "social fronters."

soulbond: An adopted term, referring to Outspacers.
Spectrum, The: A collective term for either 1. the sixteen energetic "color slots" that define the function of our System, or 2. the headvoices in our System that are anchored to these color slots (as such it does NOT include faceless voices).

Spectrum core: The main hue of each Spectrum color slot. There are sixteen: Red, Brown, Orange, Yellow, Lime, Green, Aqua, Sky, Blue, Indigo, Violet, Pink, Cerise, Gray, White, and Black. Each color has approximately six main subslots. Also "color core" or "core color."

spiders: Insects of the Yellow realms. They are typically malevolent.
splinter: A zombie-like alter that has "broken off" of another, typically a Core. They are not truly conscious, having no true anchor or sense of self, and may instead become puppets for the Tar/Plague. This phenomenon was recognized in 2011, although it existed for some time prior. See "fragment."

splintering: The negative process in which a core "breaks" into two or more separate individuals, due to trauma or forced compartmentalization.
"We thought she was born from my 'lost' energy, optimism, childhood innocence, and kindness, but that had never really been lost. I had splintered. The real me HAS all of that, the me talking right now IS all of that! I never lost it. Thanatos and Fragment are a median system. It scares me, I won't deny that, but now I understand why I splintered like that. Laurie's motivation is to keep me safe and bright, above all else. And in my past, I didn't know what that entailed. So I broke myself into pieces without realizing it, because I didn't think those pieces could safely be part of me."

stabilization: The adjustment period immediately following an alter's manifestation, during which they become less "impulse" and more of an individual.

sub-hue: See subslot.

subslot: A Spectrum hue of a certain color that is not the Core color. For example, Gold is a subslot of Yellow. Also "sub-hue."

System Core: An alter who acts as the "main consciousness" for the System, ideally fronting whenever possible and acting as a focal point for the System's well-being. Central is dedicated to the aid and assistance of the current Core. Cores tend to change every 2-3 years, or after a sufficiently traumatic event.

System, The:

It may also be used as a general collective term for all the alters in headspace/heartspace.
Tar: a self-aware mass of corrupted Black energy, that has taken up residence below active headspace. It is assumed to be the second true member of our System, having been created simultaneously with Julie, and eventually overtaking her, due to the highly negative circumstances of their joint manifestation. The Tar ceaselessly perpetuates pain and trauma within headspace, as it needs these things in order to survive. Although it rarely acts directly, it frequently uses others for its own ends, either through forced control or psychological warfare. Even so, it has created a splinter named Jezebel for the sake of direct interaction. The Tar almost exclusively targets Jay and Infinitii, our Cores, since they directly threaten its existence, and any damage to them harms the entire System.

tar rooms:

(originally hacked into blackspace!)

thanatos drive: The "death drive" experienced by damaged Cores. (Cannon era only??)

exists solely to destroy the self. highly abusive. unable to interact. goal is to end personal existence

death drive. conscious in high stress. almost always conscious after hacks
entirely destructive, disconnected, purposeless, positive incomprehension, violent, driven, retributive, hopeless, angry

 

timeline: …

timeline, dead: …

trigger: …

Underground:

A specific level of lower headspace that contains very dangerous individuals, and so is not easily/ typically accessible.
upstairs: A casual term for "everything non-physical/ inside (our head)," for when more specific jargon would be baffling.
voices: A term for the faceless "voices" heard by fronters in the body, which may or may not ever anchor into actual headvoices. Voices are frequently manipulative and/or malevolent. Interchangeable with "floating voices."

walk-in: The original term for "outspacer." Taken from the fact that they all "walked in" to headspace from the physical world.

whitespace: One of the two realms of "raw" headspace; Whitespace deals with inorganics and the conscious mind. It is an unending realm of raw White energy, effectively the "blueprint" that all of headspace manifested from. Whitespace is "above" the bodymap and so it does not exist in any fixed location, but it can be visited, resembling an endless, luminous white space with a floor but no walls or ceiling. It is cubic in form. It can be limitlessly manipulated, but will only take on fixed shapes or forms, otherwise it will appear inert. In the early days of headspace, this is all that existed of our inner world, until Central manifested around 2009.

Xanga session: Slang for a stream-of-consciousness conversation held by two or more alters within headspace and written to a computer in realtime. Named after the website on which we originally hosted these conversations. These sessions typically last several hours.
: …

: …

: …

 



LEVELS OF HEADSPACE
We have identified several distinct "levels" of headspace.
It's easiest to think of the first five in a vertical fashion, but space doesn't quite work that way up here.

CENTRAL (UPSTAIRS)
This level refers almost entirely to Central City, the "hub" of our inner world. The landmark of this city is a skyscraper-like building referred to simply as "Central." This building is where the core-anchored headvoices reside, as it has been stabilized into a sort of "safe space" for them.
The inhabitants of Central are all tied to proper System function, especially the maintenance of the System itself and the care of its myriad inhabitants. Their anchors reflect the core energy colors. Laurie is the protector of the Upstairs, and by her own extension, the entire System as well.
MIDDLE HEADSPACE
Often "Midspace."
We referred to this level as "downstairs" for a while, but that became confusing as "downstairs" actually refers to physical reality for us, so we dropped this double usage.

LOWER HEADSPACE

Lower headspace is more strongly connected to raw consciousness than Central or Midspace; as a result it is typically fluid and highly mutable, with few 'fixed' areas. Lowers frequently work with the Undergrounders.
UNDERGROUND
Refers to a level of headspace below Central City, thought to be virtually inaccessible prior to 2012. The main habitable areas of it resemble basilica cisterns, and/or cathedral cloisters. Deeper, less hospitable areas resemble caves or catacombs, and often have an eerie red glow. At least one such area appears infested with massive insects. Exploring the Underground is highly dangerous and not recommended, as the Tar also resides there, albeit in a currently-unknown location. The exact size and extent of the Underground is unknown. This level also does not seem to follow the same rules of space that upper levels of headspace do.
The inhabitants of the Underground are all tied to trauma on some level. Their anchors may be coping methods, preventative actions, or the trauma itself. Knife is the protector of the Underground.

THE CHTHONIC LEVELS
Refers to a level of headspace below the Underground, which we were not aware of until 2014.

We know very little about it, at it is highly inhospitable, and those residing there are not welcoming of intruders or visitors.

This level is very organic in structure, resembling a massive cave formation. Its main area consists of a large underground body of water.

FLOATSPACE
Small "pocket locations" of headspace that are self-contained in raw headspace. Leon's cathedrals were the first example of such places we became aware of.

RAW HEADSPACE
Technically not a "level" at all, raw headspace does not even hold a mappable location. Rather, it is a term to refer to the "unformed" areas of headspace, blank white expanses of infinite potential. It is not impossible to enter them, just very difficult. Raw headspace can also be seen whenever a location begins to deteriorate, or when a location is not fully formed. This is what the entirety of headspace was until approximately 2002, when it began to solidify into the beginnings of the Downstairs.
Jay is commonly seen as the "protector" of raw headspace, as he is the White slot holder, and therefore has the most influence over it.

DAEMON REALMS

INFINITII'S BUBBLE
An entire level unto itself, the Bubble is literally a small, tangible sphere of encapsulated headspace. It was created by Infinitii in February 2013, and it is where he resides. Jay wears it as a necklace, attached to a silver chain, at Infinitii's behest. He has also procured a similar physical necklace in the waking world, for the sake of fronter interaction with Infinitii.
The Bubble is highly unique, as it is a floating level, and therefore exists within whatever other level it is brought into. It is bigger on the inside than on the outside, although upon entering it one will appear to "shrink." The inside is shaped like a large dome, and from within it one can still perceive the outside world as through translucent glass above. This fact can be used to produce a bizarre "recursive reality effect" if Jay enters the Bubble, as the view from "outside" will therefore reflect the interior. Lastly, the Bubble can only be entered or exited at Infinitii's command, as it exists for the sole purpose of keeping him safe from danger as long as the Tar still exists.

 

 


ENERGY COLORS
Our entire inner reality runs on several different colors of "energy," i.e., the ethereal stuff that makes things exist and function up here. By extension, this energy is inherently tied to the life of all beings native to headspace as well.
Ideally, these multiple colors should all function in harmony, with no corruption or manipulation within. Unfortunately this is not often the case, since the System and headspace itself were both created from trauma. We are moving beyond this, but it is a complex process.
As of 2015, sixteen different color slots have been identified. Each of these has its own specific sort of energetic function, which pertains not only to how it works in headspace, but also how it affects the headvoices that are bonded to it in their functions.


THE SPECTRUM
Due to the very substance of headspace being organized into colors, it is only fitting that those who were born from it exhibit connections to those same hues.
This phenomenon of color functions is the most pervasive aspect of our inner world, and as such it is difficult for us to fully grasp. Furthermore, since headspace itself exhibits its own strange sort of consciousness, the Spectrum itself is no exception. It shifts and evolves of its own volition, sometimes dramatically, according to what is needed for headspace to function properly. No one has been able to manipulate or otherwise influence the behavior of the Spectrum, not even the cores. Perhaps this is for the best, as it exhibits a wisdom in its silent management that we could only guess at ourselves.

The Spectrum itself is the groundwork of our entire System. It serves to organize and maintain proper order in headspace, making sure every headvoice has a proper role.
Each Spectrum color has one "core slot," which reflects that basic hue (the core slot of Red is Red). It also has several "sub-slots," which include shades and tints of that same color, and whose functions reflect variations on that color's basic energy (sub-slots of Green include Sage and Jade).
Ideally, all headvoices hold a color slot. Most headvoices manifest already anchored to a fitting color, thanks to energy resonance: if their function or origin is clear, they will naturally reflect whatever color matches it most closely. This is seen most often with Core slot holders.
However, not all individuals in headspace are part of the Spectrum. Faceless voices and outspacers must find solid anchors/functions before they can become part of the Spectrum. Nevertheless, all non-Spectrum individuals still display a sort of "resonance" with one or more colors; it is simply clarity that they lack. Once clarity of function is found, individuals naturally gravitate to a fitting color slot.
Black & White energies are unique as they inherently hold all other colors within them, and they are also the only colors capable of existing in a solidly corrupted state (the Tar & Plague). Negative B/W qualities CAN bleed over into any other slot, or infect more directly through temporary "possession" (e.g. Julie and Laurie both having some Black abilities), but this poses a high risk of often-fatal destabilization to those affected. Positive B/W bleedover is more subtle, usually only manifesting in powerfully specific but heartfelt situations (Soul Forms, the Angel Helmet).

A headvoice in a core slot will not only reflect the basic attributes of that energy color, but they will also act as a guardian of that energy within headspace, and all those who use it. All core slot holders typically reside in Central headspace due to their important roles. Sub-slot holders will still reflect attributes related to that core energy color, but not as strongly.

When a headvoice anchors fully into a color, their eyes and hair will match it. Any discrepancy in an anchored headvoice's eye/hair color, as opposed to their actual slot, is a telltale sign of their anchor splitting, migrating, or failing. The only exception to this rule are those in the Monochrome slots (Black/White), as they can naturally mirror any slot in the Spectrum if they so wish, and this inevitably changes their eye color.

(disclaimer for the following list: many of us went missing after the august reset. nevertheless this list includes the most recent holders.)
(C) = Central ... (D) = Downstairs ... (U) = Underground ... (M) = Midspacer... (L) = Lower... (O) = Outspacer ... (H) = Core ... (X) = ???

BROWN
CORE: Spine Hypomone (C).
BEIGE: held by Aimee (D).
TAN: possibly held by the "siren" (D)
RUSSET: held by Jayce (D).
SPICE: held by Spice (D).
CHOCOLATE: held by Overload (D).
BISTRE: held by "The Bear" (U).

RED
CORE: Javier Anastasi (C). Previously Jewel Lightraye (all). Accessible by the Monochrome holders.
BLOOD: held by Razor (U).
CRIMSON: held by Eros (X).
CHERRY: held by Zwei (D).
RUBY: held by Jewel (D,H).
MAROON: held by the "dead red" voice (D).
CADMIUM: held by Cannon (X).

ORANGE
CORE: held by Lynne Stabelle (C).
VERMILION: held by Algorith (U).
TANGERINE: held by Hyakin (M).
CORAL: held by Amara (M).
PEACH: held by Kalisha (M).
GAMBOGE: none.

YELLOW
CORE: held by Josephina Bellameire (C).
AMBER: held by Genesis Apolymis (I).
VANILLA: held by Sylvain (U?).
GOLDENROD: held by Marigold (L).
GOLD: none.

GREEN
CORE: held by Nathaniel Victoire (C).
SAGE: held by Sergei (M).
JADE: none.
OLIVE: none, previously held by Bridget (X).
LIME: held by Cel (D, H).
CHARTREUSE: possibly held by "the oni girl" (D?).

AQUA
(the lineup of this slot is still unsteady)
TEAL: held by Emmett (D).
MINT: held by Minty (U).
AZURE: held by Einsatz (D).
AQUA: held by Chaos 0 (O).
OCEAN: held by Garrison (M).

BLUE
CORE: Waldorf Kalliope (C).
SAPPHIRE: held by the "navy singer" (D).
SKY: held by Kyanos (M).
SLATE: possibly held by the Gent (D).
CRYSTAL: none, previously Nathaniel Victoire (C).
POWDER: none, previously held by Missy (X).
NAVY: none.

INDIGO
CORE: held by Leon Kiasi (C).
ICE: held by David (U).
DUSK: held by Ryman Saikaras (O).
SMOKE: possibly held by the "airport voice" (D).
MIDNIGHT: none.

VIOLET
CORE: held by Laurie Uberich (C).
PURPLE: held by Markus Barashir (O).
LAVENDER: held by Xenophon Lephise (I).
LILAC: held by Christina Marie (U).
MAUVE: held by Isadora (M).
PLUM: none.

PINK
CORE: held by Julie Enantios (C).
CLARET: held by Knife (U).
CERISE: held by Mulberry Delta (U).
SUGAR: held by Sugar (U).
ROSE: held by Jeremiah (U).
VICTORIAN: held by an unknown female alter (U?).

MONOCHROME (BLACK/WHITE)
BLACK: held by both the Tar (X) and Infinitii Eternos (H).
WHITE: held by Jay Iridos (H).
SILVER: held by Mister Sandman (I).
GRAY: held by Sherlock (M).
STORM: none.


Chaos 0's current slot (originally Cyan, then Aqua) is currently unknown, as his manifestation changed dramatically post-reset. Assumedly it is of the Teal lineup.

Julie, Bridget, and Missy technically do not have solid anchors, as the latter two are splinters and Julie is infected by the Tar. However, they CAN hijack actual color cores, and have done so in the past in order to "lock out" people trying to anchor into them: Julie as Pink, Bridget as Green, and Missy as Blue. This hijacking has had negative long-term effects on all three of those slots, and those who hold connected sub-slots.

Jezebel and Sharona, two malevolent voices, seem to hold Black slots by virtue of their strong connection to the Tar. It is unknown whether or not they are capable of existing apart from it, especially since Jezebel is a splinter as well.

It is unknown whether or not the Spectrum has any opinion on the massive number of faceless/ nameless voices currently making themselves known thanks to therapy. We suppose time will tell.

 

 

 

SPECTRUM ENERGY COLORS
Our entire inner reality runs on several different colors of "energy," i.e., the ethereal stuff that makes things exist and function up here. By extension, this energy is inherently tied to the life of all beings native to headspace as well.
Ideally, these multiple colors should all function in harmony, with no corruption or manipulation within. Unfortunately this was not always the case, since the System and headspace itself were both created from trauma. We are moving beyond this, but it is a complex process.


As of
08-23-2017, twenty-six TENTATIVE different color slots have been identified:

 

BROWN, INFRA?, RED, BLOOD, VERMILION, SUNSET, ORANGE, AMBER, YELLOW, LIME, GREEN, EVERGREEN, AQUA, CYAN, SKY, BLUE, NAVY, INDIGO, PURPLE, ULTRAVIOLET?, VIOLET, PINK, MAGENTA, CERISE, GRAY, WHITE, BLACK, CHAMPAGNE?, GOLD, SILVER, BRONZE? GLASS? MULTICOLOR????

---------------------------------------

OLDER NOTES:

 

The four "monochrome" colors can be grouped into one, leaving a total of sixteen. (two 8 point stars)

There are also SEVEN distinct color trios:

 

RED, VERMILION, ORANGE, AMBER,

YELLOW, LIME, GREEN, AQUA,

CYAN, SKY, BLUE, INDIGO,

PURPLE, VIOLET, PINK, CERISE,

BROWN, GRAY, WHITE, BLACK.

 

--OR??--

 

CERISE, RED, VERMILION, ORANGE,

AMBER, YELLOW, LIME, GREEN,

AQUA, CYAN, SKY, BLUE,

INDIGO, PURPLE, VIOLET, PINK,

BROWN, GRAY, WHITE, BLACK.

 

And there are EIGHT distinct color pairs:

 

RED, CYAN,

VERMILION, SKY,

ORANGE, BLUE,

AMBER, INDIGO,

YELLOW, PURPLE,

LIME, VIOLET,

GREEN, PINK,

AQUA, CERISE,

BROWN, GRAY,

WHITE, BLACK.

 

 

BROWN is placed at the beginning with the REDS as it is the "BASE" hue and effectively acts as the "door" between Headspace and Bodyspace.

The MONOCHROMES are a door between Headspace and Heartspace.

 

 

Each of these hues has its own specific sort of energetic function, which pertains not only to how it works in headspace, but also how it affects the headvoices that are bonded to it in their functions.


BROWN
Attributes:

ELEMENTS: bone, earth, stone
It is connected to bone and earth and stone, to the physical anchors of life itself.
Headvoices who hold this color seem to hold a strong connection to the physical body, and/or what it experiences.
Instability in Brown manifests as
...


RED
Attributes:
purpose, creativity, drive, audacity,
- It is strongly connected to creativity, blood and the life force.
- Headvoices who hold this color seem to invariably be "artists" in some way. They have a drive to creatively express themselves, through any outlet they deem proper.
- Instability in Red manifests as rage, hedonism,
- The Red color is arguably the most mysterious in the System, as it was originally tied ONLY to the Jewel bloodline. When Jay, the most recent host-piece, permanently moved out of it in mid-2013, the slot was emptied for the first time since the System's inception.

 

VERMILLION
Attributes:
… 
Headvoices who hold this color (...)
Instability in Vermilion manifests as
...


ORANGE
Attributes:
composure, kindness, hospitality, amity,
Headvoices who hold this color seem to work as "balancers," keeping emotions stable and healthy but not suppressed.
Instability in Orange manifests as
...

 

AMBER
Attributes:
… 
Headvoices who hold this color (...)
Instability in Amber manifests as
...


YELLOW
Attributes:
vitality, power, confidence, 
Headvoices who hold this color (...)
Instability in Yellow manifests as
...

 

LIME
Attributes:
Headvoices who hold this color (...)
Instability in Lime manifests as
...


GREEN
Attributes:
balance, healing, peace, compassion
It appears to be strongly connected to the natural world, notably vegetation and insect life.
Headvoices who hold this color (...)
Instability in Green manifests as
*Due to Bridget's corruption of this slot, all headvoices who anchor into Green seem to have a high risk of traumatic resets. Nathaniel has infamously died four times (due to either murder or stabilization failure; he was Blue AND Green though), the Sage voice was brutally killed shortly after manifesting, and Cel's identity was in shreds for years.

 

JADE/ EVERGREEN
Attributes:
… 
Headvoices who hold this color (...)
Instability in … manifests as
...


AQUA
Attributes:
Oddly, it appears to be connected to simple self-care, and a more childlike mindset.
Headvoices who hold this color (...)
Instability in Aqua manifests as
...

 

CYAN

Attributes:
Headvoices who hold this color (...)
Instability in Cyan manifests as

 

SKY

Attributes:
Headvoices who hold this color (...)
Instability in Sky manifests as
...


BLUE
Attributes:
communication, joy, innocence, hope
- It appears to be connected to the sky, and to reflections (not water, just reflections).
- Headvoices who hold this color (...)
- Instability in Blue manifests as the inability to speak, depression,
*Due to Missy's corruption of this slot, all headvoices who anchor into Blue have a high risk of dying. Nathaniel, Waldorf, and Kyanos have all experienced death at least once after anchoring here in the past-- Nat at Julie's hands (initially), Wally from a forced anchor freeze, and Kyanos from major stabilization failure.


INDIGO
Attributes:
truth, insight, awareness, gentleness, self-sacrifice
- Headvoices who hold this color (...)
- Instability in Indigo manifests as panic, fear, paranoia, and confusion. This was notably visible in Leon when he first tentatively anchored into this slot.
...

 

PURPLE
Attributes:
… 
Headvoices who hold this color (...)
Instability in … manifests as


VIOLET
Attributes:
protection, truth, spirituality, honor, benevolence, devotion, wisdom, integrity
- Headvoices who hold this color typically dedicate or devote themselves to the protection of something, either a person or an idea. They are highly insightful and are masters of diplomacy. They also seem to have an inherent and powerful spiritual side, and greatly value integrity in this sense in both themselves and in others.
- Instability in Violet manifests as purposelessness, the need to control, doubt,
...


PINK
Attributes:
closeness, compassion, softness, elegance, union of opposites
- Headvoices who hold this color have shockingly dichotomous but non-split personalities, often displaying two opposite qualities or aspects without self-conflict (e.g. rage and gentleness).
- Instability in Pink manifests as hatred, spite, manipulation, and violence. All Pink voices have the potential to quickly become unstable so they are treated with caution.
*Due to Julie's corruption of this slot, all headvoices who anchor into Pink seem invariably tied to the trauma of sexual abuse, either as sufferers or preventors.

 

CERISE
Attributes:
… 
Headvoices who hold this color (...)
Instability in … manifests as

 

GRAY
Attributes:
… 
Headvoices who hold this color (...)
Instability in … manifests as


WHITE
Attributes:
conscious, structure, order, stability, individuality, innocence, knowledge, creation through objects 
- It shows a connection to rainbows, and it displays a similar iridescence.
- Headvoices who hold this color can freely shape ANY energy, but can only work with what is given. They can change their form if they desire, but this must be deliberate and stable. They can freely edit headspace energy, but must stay within creation limits. They also can control what memories are put into the archives, although their access to the entirety of data is limited. White voices also seem to have difficulty moving through time.
- Instability in White manifests as disconnection, the inability to feel emotion, suicide
- It is one of the two "core" monochrome energies of headspace. As such, its holders must be protected, as sufficient damage or corruption to a White core can damage the structure of headspace just as severely.


BLACK
Attributes:
unconscious, community, mutability, mystery, potential, understanding, creation through people
- It shows a connection to the night sky, and it displays an oilslick-like iridescence. Black energy is also said to taste like sugar.
- Headvoices who hold this color have highly mutable bodies, but cannot control this well; it tends to move constantly. They can "bring out the potential" of ANY headspace energy, even beyond limits, but cannot force changes. They also have full access to memory archives, but unless something is put in there, it cannot be accessed. Black voices also seem to have difficulty moving through space.
- Instability in Black manifests as loss of impulse control, loss of self, addiction
- It is one of the two "core" monochrome energies of headspace. As such, its holders must be protected, as sufficient damage or corruption to a Black core can damage the substance of headspace just as severely.




SYSTEM MECHANICS
(aka how stuff works? its really bizarre sometimes)
...
...
It is possible for an anchored headvoice to die, and later "resurrect" without warning. This is because, if headspace has decided that individual "is supposed to live," it will actively prevent them from staying dead, or even dying in the first place, regardless of headvoice interference. The most notable examples of resurrection are Nathaniel and Infinitii, while the most notable example of nigh-immortality is Laurie.







prismaticbleed: (held)

Energy for headspace people!
Sight: What their energy field looks like, literally. (OR: a "realm-like" manifestation of their energy??)
Sound: New perception. Difficult to pick up on; indirect.
Smell: The 'vibe' of their energy; most easily perceived.
Touch: The actual physical 'feel' of their energy-- like touching their 'aura.'
Taste: New perception. Difficult to pick up on; indirect.
Vibe: The overall perceived effect their energy on their personal presence, especially in charged situations.



(UNFINISHED. Will add as I get information.)


SPINE HYPOMONE
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Cool stone, a hint of cocoa or something?
Touch: Dry, but smooth; reassuringly solid yet not heavy. Like a bone.
Taste:
Vibe:


AIMEE
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Like something baking in an oven? Not bread! Comforting,
Touch: Soft but "primal?" Like minky or even chamois, but with a subtle gamey sort of heat to it.
Taste:
Vibe:


SPICE
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Strong cinnamon, nutmeg, maybe clove? Very warm yet grounded, no 'pinch.'
Touch: Surprisingly sparked? Like little sharp pricks of heat?
Taste: Think pie spices, then crank it up to eleven. Warm and autumny, but hits like a punch to the mouth!
Vibe:


OVERLOAD
Sight:
Sound:
Smell:
Touch: Incredibly volatile base, like if you push a tiny bit too hard it will explode terribly.
Taste:
Vibe:


BRAXTON
Sight:
Sound:
Smell:
Touch: A small soft edge, but with a huge power underneath it.
Taste:
Vibe:



JAVIER ANASTASI
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Cloves?
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:



PREVIOUS J (SPLINTERED INTO EROS)
Sight: Deep red-velvet waves; flows like heavy satin. Has an 'unseen' glow like an ivory candle. 'Sparkly' thin edge, like a glitter-glass ornament
Sound: Subsonic: a soundless hum that resonates in the chest; almost rhythmic, like heart energy, but unbroken. Has an oddly Nier-like, rich symphonic feel despite this.
Smell: Like fire,
Touch: Intimately warm, has a sort of gentle 'pull' to it
Taste: Rich like warm raspberry sauce, but with a dense 'sorbet' texture? Non-sugary sweetness.
Vibe: Emotionally close, compassionate, soft. Limitless but not oppressive. Powerfully protective yet tranquil; like being embraced by a winter fireplace. Sunlit stained-glass.


RAZOR
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Blood and paper, very specific
Touch: Like the sharp, slick edge of a blade: on the boundary between safe/smooth, and slicing your hand open. Gives you chills.
Taste: Like a wound? Hot with an edge of blood but that's not prevalent. Oddly sweet, but the sensation is unsettling.
Vibe: Oddly neutral, but with a nervous undertone on 'standby.'



LYNNE STABELLE
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Violin rosin and burnished wood, like the inside of a violin
Touch: Heavy satin? Warm, but in a 'glowing' sense. Like a roll of it too?
Taste:
Vibe:


KALISHA
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Peach brandy?? Light scent but still notable.
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:


HYAKINTH
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Creamsicle and some sort of strong white flower?
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:


FIG
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Honey! Very heady, heavy sweet.
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:


ALGORITH
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Not much, mostly the 'flatness' of technology. Subtle scent of live machinery, like a hot computer tower.
Touch:
Taste: Warm metal with a vague aura of persimmon or something??
Vibe:


JOSEPHINA BELLAMEIRE
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Bubblegum and brandy? Can't quite pick it up yet.
Touch:
Taste: Cane sugar with a bunch of either lemon (flavor, not citrus) or ginger? Cookie-sweet, but with a bright heat to it.
Vibe: City night-life lights, but unfocused;


SIMEON
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Something like custard or banana cream, but with nowhere near as much sugar?
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:



MAVERICK
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Vague edge of cigarette smoke in fabric, NOT like my dad though. Think straight-up smoke.
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:


MARIGOLD
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Ragweed and marigold flowers, varies depending on mood?
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:


KARISSA
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Citrus? Like restaurant lemon???
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe: Sharp? Clean and small but cuttingly so.


NATHANIEL VICTOIRE
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Mint (quiet, sweet, no bite) and forest shade. Slight fabric-esque hint?
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:


SERGEI
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Subtle sage smoke, undertone of something papery like thin tree bark
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:


MINTY
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Mint tea and clothesline-aired plushie fluff. Happy and calming.
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:


EINSATZ
Sight:
Sound:
Smell:
Touch: Slight static pop?
Taste:
Vibe:


EMMETT
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Like a salad???? You silly snake.
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:


TOBIKO
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Like seawater, either bad (brackish, slimy) or good (like a beach, salty with algae) depending on status
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:


GARRISON
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Like a business suit or chair. Dude get some variety in there
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:


KYANOS
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Like clear cool sky, with a little tint of honey. Very light.
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:


WALDORF KALLIOPE
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Oddly plastic or vinyl-like, but with some sort of happy heady blueberry-juice undertone?? Very 'subtle' despite its strength.
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe: I'm getting an impression of a tangled knot of christmas lights, but immersed in jello or something. really odd.



MISSY
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Face powder, chokingly so, and lip gloss (strawberry? very artificial, generically 'sweet')
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:


GENT
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Like a scarf? Odd to explain.
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:


NIENNA
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Like a jewelry box?? Not dusty, more like curtain fabric and silver?
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:


LEON KIASI
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Ice, with a vanilla undertone? Hard to get.
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe: A nervous charge?


DAVID
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Like a kid's air-dried blanket, but also softly sweet? Not a bad smell at all, it's highly comforting.
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:


"AIRPORT"
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Like an airport. Dead serious.
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:


LAURIE UBERICH
Sight: CHANGED: It's still halo-like, but its this intense condensed light, gold-white? Around her body I keep getting a feeling of flower petals or rose vines? not sure.
(Metallic? Broken into pieces somehow? Somewhat "radial," like a halo)
Sound:

(Somewhat dissonant, like angry church bells. Feels purposeful but pained.)
Smell:

(Blood, cold steel. Something in the background like antiseptic or a thunderstorm?)
Touch:

Sharp static "bite" at first, like barbed wire, but beneath is a solid, deep, "safe" feeling mass of energy? feels huge but reactive, like if you push too hard it'll detonate
Taste: Blood, but

(Blood again, very strong.)
Vibe:

(Overwhelmingly magnetic: black hole-grade intensity. Space 'compresses' to a dense space around her.)


CHRISTINA MARIE
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Like Sunday church in spring: daffodil-daisy flower bouquets and an afterthought of incense?
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:


ISADORA
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Grapevines?
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:


JULIE ENANTIOS
Sight: A layered pinkish-warm glow? Like a light orb shining through blankets. Moves languidly but not lazily. Egg-shaped?
Sound:
Smell: Roses, like the kind in the wild-- not heady at all, but sunlit and flowery light soft. Lovely really.
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:


SUGAR
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Something that pricks at your nose, like ice needles. Underneath, a light sweetness like
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:


ASHEN
Sight:
Sound:
Smell:
Touch: Soft but terribly worn and thin, like old velvet curtains or something? Has a sense of pity but lingering loveliness to it.
Taste:
Vibe:


KNIFE
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Woodsmoke, with a deep aura-edge like blackcurrant wine or something
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:


MULBERRY DELTA BRANDY
Sight:
Sound:
Smell:
Touch:
Taste: Mulberries: not overpoweringly sweet, and rather dry in a vaguely 'crisp' way
Vibe:


JEREMIAH
Sight:
Sound:
Smell:
Touch: Very soft and embracing, but closely small in the way a warm sweater is.
Taste:
Vibe:


EROS
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Cherry pie filling, not artificial. Very rich, not sugary sweet.
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:


SHERLOCK
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Like a library? Old slightly dusky paper, but with no musty or sweet tone. Also a clean cool metallic edge, but without any coppery 'bite.'

Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:


JAY IRIDOS
Sight: Vertically limitless? Like the "heaven" in Oneircia. All white and warmly bright, vaguely gold, lit with some gorgeously loving light from above, but not blinding at all. Oddly non-spacial? Despite looking solid it feels like nothing is really there, but the light. Sparkly and quietly iridescent; everything glitters.
Sound:
Smell: Snowy,
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:


XENOPHON LEPHISE
Sight: Thick and violet-pink, wavy. Inner light, held within like a neon sign, but 'radiant' in the way heat radiates.
Sound: Like a wind chime or glockenspiel
Smell: Warm, slightly humid night air, with a light and delicate sweetness-- like blackberries or bluet flowers?
Touch: Dense but glowing, warm, gives like heavy water? 'Champagne bubbles' under the surface.
Taste: Blackberries, ice water, japanese ginger? Natural cool sweetness with an almost herbal edge?
Vibe: 'Summer night' humidity, but sparkling, like the stars are pure violet glitter; understated jubilant energy. Not overpowering-- more like thick sunlit crystal


MARKUS BARASHIR
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Dry heat, mocha, ice cubes.
Touch:
Taste: Sand?
Vibe:


RYMAN SAIKARAS
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Marshmallows and dark purple candle fire.
Touch:
Taste: Vanilla?
Vibe:


CHAOS ZERO
Sight: Like the underside of an ocean; glossy, brilliant blue and backlit? Translucent.
Sound: Dare-Gale; emotions played underwater. Highly resonant, like piano keys being dropped into liquid crystal. Echoing, heart-wrenchingly sincere.
Smell: Summer rain, ocean fog. Watery, but not cold or humid.
Touch: Misty, with a bright early-morning 'chill.' Heavy but weightless.
Taste: River water and diamonds
Vibe: Oceanic, flowing, all-encompassing; gentle and 'classy' but powerful. Incredibly deep but not suffocating. Surrounds him like a quiet galaxy. 'Neon glimmer' edge.


CELEBI
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Woodsy, but with a clean edge like fresh cut wet grass?
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:


GENESIS APOLYMIS
Sight: 'Thin gold streamers,' moving upwards. Bokeh-like underglow.
Sound: Resonant, warm and deliberate like a golden bell.
Smell: Burnt sugar and ozone? Like butterscotch syrup over an open flame. Rich but not heady.
Touch: Charged like static, but 'sustained' like a plasma globe.
Taste: Warm cotton candy with a strong ginger-like kick? Has a caramelized but clean tint to it.
Vibe: Sharp, almost buzzing, but bright and optimistic.


INFINITII ETERNOS
Sight: A sort of vast shadowy expanse, infinite and star-specked, but with a brilliant light at its heart. The shadows are wispy and soft like clouds, and flow gently around the light. There is a sense of great space and yet incredible closeness; the light is warm and loving like a heart, but although the shadows are colder and thin, giving a feeling of endless vastness, their constant movement around that light keeps the love within them.
Sound: (like "lux aeterna?" choral? sustained, hugely echoic. numinous)
Smell: Cold night air, with a hint of mountain laurel (flowers and incense??)
Touch:
Taste:
rich mouthfeel; taste is enigmatic.
Vibe: Like velvet or a silken shadow; limitless but soft and intimate. Embracing. VERY deep; you fall into hir really.


CHOCOLOCO
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Dark chocolate, cacao nibs, dark coffee. Mostly rich and bitter, just a hint of dark sweetness to it.
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:


 

 

Profile

prismaticbleed: (Default)
prismaticbleed

June 2025

S M T W T F S
1234567
89101112 1314
15161718192021
22232425262728
2930     

Syndicate

RSS Atom

Most Popular Tags

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags
Page generated Jun. 25th, 2025 06:29 pm
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios