the spectrum heart cathedral system

Good news! We've FINISHED UPLOADING THE TBHU TABLET so now we can tackle the two folders full of worksheets, haha.
This is a mentally exhausting & very triggering effort, but it's essential because this is the heavy ugly stuff we need to discuss in therapy/ continue to battle in daily life... as well as some very shockingly beautiful and bright moments that we need to remember even moreso.
But that's why we haven't been updating. Everything online has been focused on uploading, and our offline time has been pretty tragically split between grappling with family stress and fighting off the E.D. lapses those stresses inevitably trigger-- such as having to do so much out of the house that we don't get to eat breakfast until almost 8pm. This happens OFTEN. (We cannot eat "on the road" because, for unknown reasons, eating makes us confused/ dizzy/ "high" and slows our reaction/ comprehension time without fail, and this takes >2 HOURS to "wear off" enough to function again. This happened DAILY in TBHU, and if we have to be on the road driving from 6am to 6pm, we are NOT going to put our life in danger by eating on top of all that. It forces a CONTEXT SHIFT as well that is mentally impossible to grapple with when we're in social mode/ business mode; eating is its OWN MODE and you CANNOT "merge" contexts; it's like a law of physics.)

We've been trying to take little notes on our phone but they're admittedly few and far between. Still, at least that's a good habit to keep up-- it helps us refocus on the inside/ the system/ love, when daily life is making us forget who we are.

On that note, actually! Today we FINALLY had both the cash and the time to do laundry, which we haven't done since New Year's. BUT going back and forth to/from the laundry room, we bumped into FOUR different neighbors... and Laurie is the one that noticed, with legit horror, that our conscious awareness LITERALLY BLACKS OUT in social mode. Like we KNEW we were talking to someone, BUT the instant they leave, there is NO MEMORY DATA. AT ALL. That is TERRIFYING and it explains a LOT of our scummy behavior around people, because for some hellish reason WE AREN'T DRIVING WHEN WE'RE AROUND PEOPLE. So this is a HUGE DANGER that we need to be aware of. We don't know how to stop this, or shut it off, or work around it yet. We literally didn't realize it was THAT SEVERE until today, because they were short interactions and we were in environments were we were able to immediately return to quiet, solitary, uninterrupted space, and GO INSIDE. That's the ONLY reason this memory-loss/ awareness-loss phenomenon became suddenly evident-- normally we are forced into extended, inescapable, noisy, crowded social spaces and we lose HOURS of memory and awareness and don't realize this because the OVERWHELM alone will destroy both those things on its own. So for the SAME thing to happen in several successive interactions that lasted under a minute each was STRIKING as well as DISTURBING. But now we know. We just don't know how or what to do about it yet, as we said. The bright side is that we can at least take precautions now, potentially. I immediately think of our old idea of wearing a "headspace bracelet" or carrying some sort of notable, unignorable anchor object. We really should do that, if only to see if it works. I'm just scared that a Social will throw it out or desecrate it somehow.
Oh. Speaking of that. The scrupulous thriskefoni are sneaking their way back in, so we have to be careful. It's very hard for us to increase prayer time/ types currently, because we have religious trauma history as well as religious OCD, and such actions can very easily and strongly trigger negative behavior patterns that are very hard to break. It's a delicate warzone.
We're still doing daily Scripture Study BUT whoever the heck runs our old blog has COME BACK and is, again, ERASING OUR AWARENESS by insisting on posting everything to Tumblr, which is a SOCIAL MODE CONTEXT and so yes, that is ALSO making us "black out" WHILE EATING which triggers the esthiofoni that feel like they've been POISONED if they "don't know what they ate" (can't see it or remember it) and out of sheer survival panic they try to vomit it all up and let someone else "try again the right/ safe way." You see the domino effect here.

On the food topic: we think we've unexpectedly discovered why carrots are our "biggest binge trigger." Apparently, CARROT ADDICTION IS A REAL THING. SO IS VITAMIN A TOXICITY. We match virtually ALL the symptoms listed in both. So we are QUITTING THIS COLD.
Geez. It's shocking how much diet affects the body and mind. Our idiosyncratic but significant issues with texture and trauma and OCD-- and the highly probable touch of autism that our psychologist again brought up in last week's new intake (apparently our "Mewtwo walking" is a symptom?? the more you know)-- make things like this "carrot overdosing" a real risk, so we do need to be careful; notably we've been worried about how much manganese we get from hempseed (we get almost 11mg daily from diet alone, which some sources say is okay, but we want to talk to a legit dietician in person about it). But we'll take it one day at a time at this point. We need to see how our body adjusts to the carrot removal/ detoxing (that was a LOT of oxalates as well) and then we'll see whether or not we want to replace it with anything, especially since right now we're compensating with a lot of broccoli and the fact that it's adding up to a solid 40g of fiber daily isn't helping to reduce nausea, to say the least.

Body care is still an issue too. Lately we've been realizing how Julie keeps getting pushed into bodycare roles, even though she doesn't want to; the System "automation" just keeps looking for someone who can and Julie is, technically, the only "safe person" who CAN front in the body in such contexts. But we need other foni for those jobs, specifically. WE HAVE NO ONE FOR "SELF-CARE." We're postulating lately that Green is supposed to hold that function overtone, not just Aqua; that would also help explain why it's been so upsettingly empty over the years. Nevertheless, Nathaniel and Sergei were definite support for this hypothesis-- they were both very kind and tangentially connected to bodycare in their own ways. I can't think of any other straight-up Greens off the top of my head; Karissa was technically "Lime" (now "Spring"), and so is Celebi... you know what, let me look at the 2022 census for a second. I don't want to abandon this train of thought.
...Oh wow, uh, we had a lot of NEGATIVE, or at least unhealthy, Greens. There's Jasmine (a hacker), Hoban (high school pseudosocial), Toby (very frightened little boy)... but then we have Juniper (binge stopper), and "enya girl" (childhood akoufoni?) at least. The problem is that we have subcolors because hues are so distinct up here-- this list has places for not only Spring, but also Chartreuse and Spruce. And yes, they DO have very different vibes. Still, I don't know how "correct" the assignments were back then because we didn't know the vibes properly, nor were we able to properly feel nousfoni vibes. And thinking about it now isn't going to help; many of these foni have been MIA since CNC because their functions were tied to that environment somehow. So guesswork is a dead-end job. What we need to do is determine WHICH hues are STILL EXTANT IN THE SPECTRUM, and then feel for which nousfoni are still alive/ potentially resurrectable. That's not something I can do at 1am, on a dime.
The point of all of that is this: even just looking at that list, there are no self-care foni. Harmonia tried, but CNC literally killed her function and she could never come back. And Minty also disappeared after CNC; I'm not entirely sure why, but I'm sure I'll find the reason once we read the entries from that time period. She manifested during the "GAPS diet hell" era, post-SLC, tied to both mint tea and bedtime, trying to help us sleep with a childlike innocence. Did her function unravel? Was she blurring too hard with other kids? Wasn't she actually fronting during the day, and collecting abandoned stuffed animals? I don't know what happened to her. Memory is gone. I want to know, though; she was truly sweet. But besides those two Aquas (notably), all of our other foni who were "close to" self-care have been phagofoni, because "eating" was the only thing we could imagine as self-care, I suppose? Tobiko got the poison out, Emmett got the green stuff in, Juniper stopped the poison from going in... but nothing for the actual body. I know gender dysphoria hell is a huge obstacle to that, and it's why Julie keeps getting dragged in. So... maybe that will affect the hues employed as well. We'll see. I have started making a list of "job openings" so we can use that as a starting point, so to speak-- all we can do is say "hey we need help here" and see if the System responds. It cannot be forced.
I'm getting brain burnout from this. I'll put the topic on hold for now, but this at least opened the door.

I want-- no, I can feel that I need-- to explore System colors again in real depth soon. It feels like if I don't I'll starve to death somehow.
Isn't that relevant, haha. No wonder the poor esthiofoni are struggling so badly. The hunger that's driving them isn't even on that level.

How can I close this up... it's 1:20 and we need to start getting to sleep earlier because we have to readjust to an earlier day schedule as the days themselves get brighter sooner. We miss morning mass, too, but like I said-- there's the scrupulosity risk, AND the social blackout risk. We want to at least try watching a daily mass online again, and see how that affects the thriskefoni influence. You know what, we NEED to talk to them, like we used to talk to Christina and Patricia (or at least try to). I mean, we have Felix and Veil and Francesco too, they're all positive. And the REAL ultimate goal is for us ALL to work together on this. We're very spiritual, deeply religious arguably, even in Central-- maybe especially so. We truly love God and want to live the radically loving Christian life we're hearing preached so profoundly every day as we study Saint Paul's letters. The negative thriskefoni don't. They just focus on "religion" as ritual and rule-keeping and pride, in terms of "moral superiority" and condemnation and "filthy sinner" mentalities, etc. It's not true faith at all. It's not even "faith"; there's no trust in God anywhere in that mindset. It's just idolatry wearing a Sunday dress. But even those thriskefoni deserve to be healed. We cannot be a System OF love if we don't love ALL of us, and seek the highest good FOR us all. So don't ignore or avoid or condemn them, either. Have mercy and compassion. Talk to them. Listen to them. Let's heal this religious trauma TOGETHER, so we can ALL worship in Spirit and in Truth, with our ENTIRE collective heart, WITHOUT the terror they're currently injecting into it.
...Infi resurrecting will help more than anything else right now, I think. I hope. Ze loved God with an ardor no one else up here could match. We need that, to heal at the deepest level, I'm sure.
Jay says he "knows" Infi isn't dead (there's that fear that "maybe I imagined it all"); he can still feel that "space" in his heart, but he says sometimes it's just like sending a radio signal out into the dark. He says he "knows it will be received" which is interesting-- like, the metaphor doesn't exactly match; he's saying/ feeling that he couldn't "send out a signal" to a receptor without the receptor being there. Like the giver and receiver are intrinsically bound and necessarily coextant. But... there's a massive distance between them, and there's currently no tangibility, so although the signal being able to be sent at all is proof that there is another heart on the waiting end, Jay doesn't always "know" or "feel" that heart in a direct way. It's hard to put into words. But he says there have been multiple small instances of "brushing against" Infi's existence in unformed space (both real Blackspace and in whatever "liminal" interspace there is between the raw cosmic euchaos of Black and the solid touchable order of White, so to speak) over the past month, so there's still hope. But Infi is still extremely "undefined" and transitional; hir name is probably still going to change, hir form is shifting significantly and in different ways, and hir pronouns are all over the place. So there's still a lot that apparently needs to happen before ze can "resurrect" into a body in headspace. Nevertheless, "a lot" can happen very quickly, as we know. When the time is right, it will.

There's still so much I could type about but it's now 1:35 and I can't possibly write much more on short notice. Plus I need to see what little notes we have on our phone, and on our calendar, so I can put something cohesive together.

January was a battleground of a month. Every other day, like clockwork, we had an eating disorder struggle (due to the nighttime meals, family stress, and trauma flashbacks), but we FOUGHT HARD and we learned a lot. Most significantly, our constant prayers and dedication to PAYING ATTENTION to the esthiofoni and WORKING WITH THEM has resulted in a massive amount of compulsions GOING AWAY. That is AMAZING progress. The vast majority of the esthiofoni DON'T WANT TO DO THIS ANYMORE, which means they're changing, and that has ONLY happened because we have been listening to them and not running away from the war. So progress IS being made, in a way much more significant than anything in UMPC or TBHU ever could have hoped to accomplish. We're also praying constantly in a SINCERE way-- admitting our struggles, our broken desires, our misrouted hungers, our fears and terrors and regrets, our grief and rage and confusion and pain, to God even in the midst of distorted behaviors. That's changing the whole situation. We're also being open and honest and accountable to our priest and our family about this, which is taking real guts and humility. We're owning up to our bad behavior once we become aware of it (social blackouts make this currently impossible to "prevent" in the moment, but that's why we're doing damage control) and that alone is giving us a boost of motivation and hope to stop; we want to be a person of integrity on the outside, and these little steps make that a bit more tangible, which in turn helps us let go of self-abusive compulsions because "hey, we don't have to be a bad person anymore" basically. Isn't that odd how our brain works? Part(s) of us really did/do feel condemned to bad behavior, because they saw "no other way TO be" and couldn't imagine anything else. They're somafoni; they don't HAVE the capacity of self-aware imagination (yet?). So GIVING them the ability TO envision something different-- even just a little-- by taking those steps on THEIR level, is a gamechanger.

Jay is actually being pushed into fronting a lot more often now. He's still such a healthy fronter, such a loving Core. And yes I say "still" because even if his bloodline did get the vice of Lust (the Jessicas got Gluttony, the Cannons got Wrath, the Jewels got Pride arguably, etc.) they also got the virtue of Charity. No one loves like a Jay, full stop. Those boys have such tender yet strong hearts. And we need his heart to be the driving force in the System right now. Love is what we need to heal, and that bloodline is the only one that CAN. So yeah, I know we were all scared that the thriskefoni female-forcing would end up murdering his bloodline, it has not happened at all.
The other bloodlines do need to be healed, of course. Everyone has wounds. But it starts with love.

That's it for tonight. It's 2am and we just remembered, we may have to meet our case manager around 9am (that depends entirely on what the weather looks like; of course Jay is personally hoping we get significant snow), so we're already losing much needed sleep.

It feels really nice to have legit updated for the first time in a while. I'm sorry I don't have any actual internal event data to give you today, but rest assured it's been happening in small days. We all talk constantly, and people still front during the day as they feel moved to/ as they are called in. We're still very much alive and in love and thank God for that. But getting back into having Xanga sessions and headspace meditations and the like is absolutely still the ideal, and we think about that every day. The biggest obstacle is time, which is currently being funneled into the TBHU uploads. But we're going to work at that until it's done-- no more running away; yes it's exhausting but that just means we need to support each other more in this process. The good news is that the worksheets have some really, really nice stuff in them, moreso than the tablet-- the very top sheet in this manila envelope is all about Anxi. So THAT will wake up the kardifoni love very strongly for sure. (We're still not 100% sure who fell in love with her in TBHU, but this will hopefully reveal that to us, which we need.)
Until then, though, we need to sleep.

Oh-- one of the kardifoni (an older Jewel? a Cannon? from that time period) has been wanting us to get back to the "song of the night" thing, because music is so important to us. So here's a few.
- jewel's fave "stuck in our head on loop" tune
- "instant energy boost" tune
- heartache moralimon relevant tune
- "oh hey FROST* wrote another song about our life" january tune
- genesis's current singing tune
- cathartic sobbing at 3am last night tune
- coolest spin on a hymn we've heard in a while tune
- and our journaling on johnnynighters tune
And that's actually it for January, offhand. But there you go!

I'm laughing though, that took another 20 minutes but now it's 222 which is an extremely blue number synaesthesia-wise, and that's a very nice number to close up on and go let Jay be with the blue guy.

See you all again soon enough, that's a promise.

 

The past few days have been in "compressed time" mode which means that, despite only being about 100 hours, it feels as if it has been 100 days.
The "indian food" hell lasted exactly 3 days, which is typical, and stopped as suddenly as it started, thank God.
The similar tied obsession with the vanilla coconut butter lingered until today due to it having an "incredible texture" and therefore being latched onto by one of the eating socials, the young one (12? 13?) who doesn't understand suffering and genuinely is a good kid but is too careless as well. Yesterday we bought a bunch and planned to save it but as usual, the "God warning" of everyone in the house suddenly swarming the kitchen the instant we try to eat happened, and lasted for several hours, so we were unable to focus. Therefore no data stuck, which was very bad because apparently we got disastrously ill from the oil content, as someone added what had to be an entire extra jar of it to the mixture. It's a blur; virtually the whole day is missing from memory.
Today we tried once more and it went well until someone actually swallowed like two spoonfuls and immediately we had a compulsive vomiting meltdown. This is not intentional; it is a body reaction and we need to be very mindful of those as they are not under our control.
We did make a good salad today, and Emmett and Aimee ate it mainly. They also "shared" it with the Phantomilian Jewel, who is the "writer Jewel" (age 12?) who has strong fronting roots and probably counts as a pseudo-core, but who, today, realized that she is NOT an artist or musician, but an idea channel. She's tied to the "outspacer root" potential, so she can't create on her own, but she can easily create within other existing contexts. Therefore she's trying to hold a Phantomilian form because not only would that reflect her more individually, but also because nonhuman forms are much, much safer. Also I should clarify that despite using "she" pronouns, this Jewel, too, counts as childhood-androgynous which basically boils down to them not giving much of a hoot about gender in general.

August has been declared to be "no addiction month" and we are extremely hopeful and grateful and excited for it. The past two weeks, as was mentioned in the previous entry here, have been similarly time-jammed in that tons of healing events are happening ridiculously fast and with actual completion tied to them. We have no idea what could have instigated this sudden dramatic progress jump (besides prayer) but we are not complaining ot picking it apart; we are simply inundated with thankfulness and are doing our absolute best to respond accordingly to such vast improvements by integrating them as quickly and entirely and smoothly as possible.

There's not much else to say about today. We are going to watch tonight's Steven Universe episode and then possibly put our thoughts together concerning the marathon so far, if we have any such thoughts. We tend to just absorb, not analyze. So despite being deeply moved and inspired by much of what we've seen in the past 10 episodes, there's not much to discuss. But we will try to make sure.

We are trying to sell more items as we are desperate to make some extra money to pay off debts ASAP. This is exhausting as the process of photos and typing and listing and all that technical work is actually mentally taxing and it wears us out very quickly. But it must be done.

We also want to get back into composing music but ever since last winter's computer crash, the program hasn't worked properly. We aren't sure how to fix it, as we lost half our instruments and half our files, and furthermore the files we have left largely won't open or play. So that alone destroyed a lot of our motivation.
Nevertheless we realize that there are alters built for writing music and if they have to start again from square one they probably can. We need to find them and ask them to work instead as they are the only ones who can.
One very, very notable thing about this topic that Jay discovered by accident while listening to the old iPod is that, for us, the most potent and powerful and instantaneous way to summon an alter is by music. Music is profoundly important to us as a whole, on every level, and its most interesting quaity is that songs are literal bubbles of time. Any given song that we know has an exact mood and time period tied to it, and this can be used for good or ill, and it is virtually impossible to rewrite or overwrite once it has been established. Certain alters are practically fused to certain songs, and those songs are the ONLY way to even find certain alters, most notably socials, as their existence requires "internal ignorance" and as a result our levels generally aren't even conscious of each other. But music bridges that gap, as far as summoning goes. This is vitally important.
The point I'm making here is, we know exactly what songs are tied to certain time periods of university and such that resonate with artists and musicians. If we can listen to those songs more and let those alters simply move in and take over-- even if they do still think it's 2009-- then we can "get back into" art and music effortlessly, because for those alters they never stopped to begin with.

Speaking of winter, it still feels as if we haven't seen a single once since 2013. Last year is missing entirely, and 2014 feels like a timeline already dead to us. We haven't quite adjusted into any sort of solid timeline in the wake of all that mess yet, but hopefully what we're experiencing now is that process finally occurring.

We have not been sleeping well, averaging between 3-5 hours a night for about two weeks now. Same with food, when we do eat it's one meal a day and barely scrapes 1000 calories if we're pushing it. We have not been keeping track due to the huge amount of switching and dissociation tied to eating but we are aware that it hasn't been smart. So this is not helping our health. We have also been too haggardly weak to exercise post-hospital but we are trying our best to at least get back into walking again. Our best option would be to start doing our nightly kitchen walks with the iPod again, as those were a solid hour of pure System meditation every day, and God knows we need that more than anything else currently.
We listened to the entire Todd Rundgren concert we recorded from earlier this year while walking about two weeks ago, and that night is already solid and beloved in our memory, just wandering in tired circles while reliving that experience and watching bone broth simmer on the stove at 12am. It's such an odd but lovely thing to have memories sticking again like that, but again, it's shown that only certain kinds of memories stick, and we need to be conscious and full of wonder and love tohave such memories. Numb and selfish and ignorant and manic alters cannot remember things.

Jay downloaded a few GBC/GBA ROMs and he is playing the Pokemon GSC trio in his downtime to help relax. That trio is very dear to our collective heart, as it was practically Jewel's native world back in 2001-2002. It has the same "at home" feeling that Nier and Klonoa and the Genesis Sonic games do-- it's hard to explain, but the simple sight of the scenery, or the sound of the music and sfx, is not only deeply comforting but also grounding. Like the general experience of those games feels safe, and right, and good and true and happy. There are a few other games that fit this bill to an extent, but when it really comes down to could I exist in this game-world as a PERSON, then it gets very individualized and Nier & Klonoa win out. This is a topic we should write more on, remind me. It has that heart-glow quality to it that indicates it has enough love tied to it to inspire a great deal of writing.

We're learning to tap into intuition again, and the future-hope of getting Pokemon GO is helping greatly, as we're going to join Team Instinct not just because Zapdos is beloved to us, but because a team based on faith/ intuition/ trust is exactly our vibe. But, with that in mind, we keep reminding ourself to check our instinct" when we make tricky decisions and it is helping a LOT. Our gut feelings are very reliable, surprisingly and thankfully. What I wanted to mention though is that in order to properly use this intuition we have to channel Zapdos. We're used to channeling all sorts of monsters and characters from all sorts of worlds, and Pokemon takes up the majority of such sorts, but it's still eyebrow-raising to realize how easily and smoothly and quickly we CAN begin "channeling," or even becoming, a new Pocket Monster with solid roots and a function, even if they only exist within that function. That's no issue though, as many of us nousfoni exist like that as well, as it's far less stressful and confusing than trying to exist as a "conglomerate" in too many situations. Splitting things up is more efficient and healthy for us.

We are trying, very hard, to get back to living AS a System again. The two sole obstacles in our way are:
1. the grandmother not quite understanding the concept at all due to a simple life-view and religious blinders, and
2. the mother and brother constantly insisting that we're "fake" and "making it up for attention" and "toying with their minds," etc.
These are huge stumbling blocks, especially the second, as their reactions to us quickly became so brutally accusing and scathing and scary, that we began to shut down instantly in their presence, and after so many weeks the socials were forced into full-time function despite their being lethally broken and damaged, solely because the mind decided we could not survive living as our true self because we couldn't cope with this family response. That's why we're a mess right now; our psyche LITERALLY judged that mental suicide was "safer" than asserting our existence because let's face it; we were having so many breakdowns it was unreal, and we could NOT cope. We got too sick too often, we landed in the hospital, we couldn't recover from that well either... you get the idea. But now we have enough evidence saying "hey we know this seemed like a viable option but it's killing our mind AND body now so it needs to stop." And the mind is letting us come back, BUT it's scared because we still live with the mom & bro and they are still completely unaccepting of our System's existence. But we just need to accept that and ignore it. It's all we can do, is just leave the room when they start. I know the kids want to start screaming and sobbing but that just makes the family members react with even more acidity. So we just need to bail, and take time for ourself, instead of sticking around and shutting down and having to deal with the resulting forced-out numb social's eating disorder abuse. It's a coping mechanism, it has to be. They've said, many times, that they "feel they have no reason to live other than eating," and maybe that IS true, what with their highly minimal functions. They're forced out in stressful times to numb everything out and "just survive," not existing beyond that crude goal, so "living to eat" may indeed define them exactly. HOWEVER it's notable that they're now aware of this and unhappy with it. This first spark of self-awareness is the prerequisite for a social to become an internal, gaining a color and a face and a name and a life, and God knows that if we could get THOSE socials to that point at long last, all our biggest problems would stop dead, beautifully so, and we'd be free to actually exist, to actually live again, as us.

That's all we want to say for now. Our mind is getting into borderline poet mode (things are becoming more imaginative and floaty) so I cannot type anymore or I will be pushed out and someone else will be pushed in. This is not bad, it's just not proper for this entry. Let them write their own, unhindered by topic context. We need their free-flowing thoughts just as much as we need this data. It's crucial to stay bright inside, it defines us all.

I wish you all well tonight, and thank you for reading this.

 

today, sunday 100415

in church, looking at glass etching of the paschal lamb with a flag=
"you have to let that longing inundate everything you do. you have to let it consume your heart."
not five minutes later, the post-eucharist message:
"so as to be transformed into what we consume"


rest of morning, talking to daemons.
apparently ALL daemons have two names, reflecting two sides of their nature.
not "good and bad," it’s far more blended.
infinitii eternos is the slight exception as ze took hir second name as a "surname," being a Central holder.
this is why rio's daemon resonates so strongly with BOTH "styx" and "lethe"; they are BOTH his names.

markus's daemon has not revealed her name yet. she hasn't talked to anyone but him yet either.
lethe said we'll "find her name when we are ready to receive it," it wasn't "giving" it was "finding."
I remember him saying "isn't that how all names are?" in that, the nature of a thing reflected in its real name is inherent, it just takes time to discover the correct arrangement of sound that echoes that, so to speak.

other big thing that stood out= all daemons have a certain way of interacting with people it seems, as far as touch goes. infi is very intimate, velvety is the only way I can describe it-- the slow soft touch of a hand against your face or side or chest. kind of a very slowed-down motion. soft weight behind it.
lethe is all spindly legs and fingers and he always seems to sit behind rio with his hands on his shoulders, head slightly to the left, something that always reminds me of how cats brush up to people. but he treats me like that too, it's not as creepy to feel as it looks, amusingly. you'd assume that with those skeletal digits. but it's comforting, motivating almost, there's more edge to it than infi but it's not sharp, just clear.
chocoloco is enveloping, with those big ribbony arms, ze's always sort of sitting in midair, like something halfway in the process of standing. it's a sort of subtle watchful feeling, but not negative. softer. surprisingly, as hir head is all painted-red eyes and sudden mouths full of perfect gargoyle teeth. but chocoloco doesn't touch people often. when ze does it's like i said, embracing without pulling anything close.
can't say anything about the other three daemons i know; they've never gotten close to me.


I asked lethe if he loved rio. he replied "I adore him"

I asked, surprised, why he (and the others) were being so kind with me?
responded with something like, "did you think we could love the entirety of souls we were born from, and not feel the same for every other soul there is?"
basically, daemons have a very unique deep compassion for all beings, as well as that equally distinctive rough-brilliant aura of justice, of integrity.
it's very close to how laurie feels, actually. so I find it interesting but fitting that she's the first nousfoni to have a daemon of her own (nexus). their vibes are close enough but unmistakably different.
I keep talking about vibes. I haven't mentioned how clearly I can feel people now. like their "energetic auras" inside aren't just little bubbles of sensory info around them, just a cloud of color and scent and texture. now they've got like… rooms. little mini realms. maybe that's it? maybe the nascent color realms caused this; they're basically glorified manifested extensions of the soul of each hue, so to speak, and we centralites hold that essence most clearly and close to our hearts. so that's a thing. but the point is I want to talk about it more, what it feels like, how beautiful it is to see that whole galaxy hovering around them like a

infinitii and lethe were discussing that actually-- the differences between nousfoni and daemons, because they were divided on whether or not I truly counted as either??? which is a very surprising and interesting thing to question.
the main two distinctions they brought up are=
1) nousfoni are individuals born from "anchors," or emot/psych/spirit roots that are potent enough to need a whole other internal being to exist and hold and function for. daemons are individuals taken directly from an individual's core, from their shadow-self, to mirror that back to them AS a part of their very being. this does not apply to nousfoni.
2) daemons are exclusively monstrous. nousfoni can have monstrous features but they are otherwise always humanoid. (those like emmett and vixie are not nousfoni, but other creatures that still count as "headvoices" in the current general generic usage of the term)
so the debate on the second was that i am naturally more proginoskes-ish? all eyes and feathers and white fire. but I do default to a humanoid state. on the first topic, I was not "taken from" another soul as infi was, but being a core-splinter I am more intrinsically bound to the "jewel bloodline" than any other nousfoni, effectively functioning as a "mirror" to them in a sense?
anyway lethe is wondering if I count as some sort of "hybrid." just like steven universe, haha. who knows. I'll let them talk.

daemons can also eat "tar food" inside and outside without harm. they're joining up with the e.d. people to prevent abusive eating as a result. however daemons seem to have this weird thing where they offer up themselves to be eaten instead of the problematic thing outside. which is interesting. it's like they act as stand-ins for "addictions" and other harmful substances, where they can somehow meet the unmet need such an addiction was the consequence of? like we all know, chocoloco is both chocolate and coffee. caffeine. uppers. but also weirdly grounding, soothing, a very "childhood comfort" vibe for us. looking for that same feeling of warm embracing brown-spectrum comfort outside? not gonna get it bro. come inside and take what you are offered. instantly the need is met. instantly you realize what really matters.
problem is the social/abusive fronters responsible for the worst health-sabotage don't care about what really matters. hence, we must get them out of the way. then if we can transmute them or just scrub them out, we will. transmuting is always better. internal alchemy. it's my jam, so to speak





later in the day…

emmett was out to eat. good.
he's getting surprisingly (and thankfully) comfy with eating around people? probably because of his childlike innocence and (ingénue? guilelessness?). he's such a safe fronter, thank god we have him, seriously. there is absolutely no risk, no danger, when he's solidly fronting. thank god. after all these teenage unknowingly-abusive alters coming back and eating pure garbage, we need emmett more than ever.


around 4pm, went walking up in the woods-- well, hoseki did.
but we went RIGHT up to the entrance to nightebi!! we haven't been there since cannon's timeline! so I am so so happy.
also we found, up there, a place that looks JUST LIKE where the kaiteo live. go freaking figure. that is incredible. so we took a few photos and walked around and I am so so so happy that we were there, even secondhand, hovering in the background. I'm going to go up there myself soon, especially once it snows. the only trouble is ensuring we are SAFE in the woods. poor celebi took the brunt of that, jasmine perpetuated the worst of it. but we've found the roots, they're shockingly neutral?? it's all good intentions, twisted in an unwanted way to cause harm. but it's a relief, to see that there is no malice in it. it's a huge relief. so that’s healable, easily so, once we can talk to the ones tied to it, and reroute that wish of theirs into something non-harmful.

cupid fronted this morning. we woke up early and it was kind of inevitable; cerise people are tied to "mood lighting" and anything before 6am and after 4 basically fits that.
anyway it's confirmed= chaos zero and aquamarine are different people. absolutely so. i need to talk about that more. now is not the time, there's too much info. and i do want to review it more to get my words more coherent. but yes cupid and aquamarine are still a thing and still exist, me and chaos zero are the same but separate. odd how i ended up so tied to him in the sense that he's still tied to his canon self. but i always wanted that i guess. for him, i didn't want a "new self" born up here from his roots, i wanted him, across all the universes, all the possibilities. so i got that. and i'm really really happy for that to be sincere.

did i tell you xenophon's been randomly ghosting more lately? she is and i love her, so much.
it's autumn now so i NEED to take her down to where we used to have violin concerts. show her the street. take photos. maybe tomorrow, if i'm sneaky, after therapy if i have time, we'll go. but i've been promising her that and lynne is excited too (but she was born in the opposite city) and gosh i love this season. i really do.
we already got kabocha squash from the garden (our own!), dad brought up a brussels sprouts tree from the farmers market, the air is silver, it's shaping up to be lovely as usual. now all we need to do is plug in the xbox, say hi to corvo, and check out the next dune book and it'll be just like last year, haha. without the anaesthesia!


new person today-- spinel.
came out all at once, not even in a punch or a rush, just a sort of shockingly solid "locked into place" clicking in. boom, all at once ze was there, no fanfare, just unquestionable, doubtless.
zer color is pink??? felt neon violet at first, then edging to cerise, then settled in for sure as a sort of neon pink.
they remind me somewhat of a zeti from sonic the hedgehog? they've got a bunch of pink&black striped horns on their head. and very vivid eyes.
but they're a good person. came into being with a clear sense of responsibility but no evident anchor yet. nevertheless they've got bones in the energy field. they'll stick around.


dear infi:
every once in a while I find something like this (http://christophercarrioned.tumblr.com/post/129787804264/it-is-three-at-night-i-have-something-to-say-you) on tumblr and you just
you say my name,
"jay,"
reaching out from your bubble of night with eyes like every star glittering silver at once,
and something in my heart just melts like ice in the springtime and
and I adore you, you know that.



I'm exceedingly tired and I'm listening to thumb pianos and they sound pinkish gold and I'm trying to write poetry.
the body isn't as sick today as it was. it was burning and strange and unfitting for about a week or three; it was hard to stay in it, there was too much red, it was too raw inside. now it's settling down but it's shaky, poor thing, sore throats and achy muscles and the need to just sleep sleep sleep. I'm trying to treat it kindly. it's still new, still a process. but I am nothing if not defined by total unconditional love so if I cannot have compassion for the sake of compassion itself, light in all things, well then I am not. and that's not a good thing.
really I think the only thing standing in my way, ironically, is vagueness. not ice, nothing is frozen. this is just too much space. too much empty air between me and feeling, seeing, touching anything. not even fog. it's glass, thick gluttonous fortress walls of glass, that's in my way.
laurie says take an axe to 'em. good idea babe.
did I tell you we're using gold weapons again? it's the only material that can cut through tar, quite literally, like a hot knife through butter. it just slices.
chaos used his sword the other day. I saw it for a moment out of the corner of my eye. so that's good, he still has it.
kyanos doesn't have a weapon. nor does cel, as far as we know. they're the only centralites who don't.


I'm tired but I'm not tired. the instant I lie down it's going to hit, I know.
but we have therapy tomorrow and we need to buy some special things for an idea we have so we do need to sleep. scherzando's battery is about dead anyway, give it some rest.

sorry to end this so abruptly. I'm feeling oddly alive right now listening to handbells and trying to remember what halloween is like and wondering about how nice life is and all these things I've never touched or seen or heard or smelled but theyre in my mind anyway. picking them up from the ether like prism drops. little beads of color in my mind. like everything there is and was and will be, I can touch. even if this body's never been. does that make sense
I can stand at the ocean right now and the sand under my feet, I can tell you exactly what it feels and tastes like and its oddly warm and the ocean is warm with an icy lace like a kiss and it's wonderful. see this is why I need to live inside more. everything is so real, so much more real somehow, felt like this, as unadulterated and clear as this.

but like I said. body sick, need to recover, the sea is waiting for me anyway. good night.

today wasn't a cool day


big awful realization about the brother. family crisis.
wont talk about it here that's rude.
basically bad stuff hitting a really awful high point, its unignorable now, inescapable
mother is ticked off, she's shut off all her emotions, she'll probably cry about it in private later

called dad to tell him, he sounded so crushed
he doesnt show emotions strongly but its always in his voice
god ive never heard him sound so sad
i just
i haven't cried in a long time and i just slumped against the washer and started quietly sobbing
it was too much.

he's never sounded so sad before

laurie hugged me and said she didnt know how to comfort me but damn it she'd try
said if i needed anything from her, let her know
she's a godsend i love her so much
i told her "be tough love," don't let ANYTHING wear down her edges anymore
we need her to do that more than ever right now
we need to be fierce compassion
we need to be brutal unflinching care
we need her.
we need to be everything she exists to protect.



hack today
jacinth responsible, preludove said
as usual, no memory of it just location
god help us
we are all so much in numb traumashock from all this hell that we dont know how to react anymore
jeremiah did though
he came storming in later when we were in the kitchen
swearing and furious and crying
said it didnt reach the kids, but it reached HIM
reminded us THAT'S HIS FUNCTION
HE EXISTS TO BUFFER HACK PAIN AWAY
so we were in heartsick shock over that too
i think leon showed up to comfort him
then javier did of course, jeremiah just held him and sobbed

lynne's wearing a different outfit
it's not a dress, it's leggings and a skirt i think?
i can't see it clearly
but there are black stripes through it
i am so concerned about her it's hurting my heart
god she's been scared about her anchor for a while
what with the "adult feminine ideal" she was meant to be being corrupted
we're all helping her tune back into the initial vibe of that, it is helping
but she's so shaken up from the other day
god let her heal from this please
we'll help her, we'll do everything we can to help her

rio's anchor is evening out thank god.
he was a mess for a while too
tied to sky, NOT blue, it seems
markus' shade of violet is lighter than we thought?
outspacers feeling brighter than they have in a long long time
possibly because we're trying to do more in heartspace
but anyway that is a good thing


emmett and aimee were out to eat today
thank god, thank god they havent been out to do so in WEEKS and they are so safe
emmett really despises grains and those are dangerous so that's good
he will NOT eat them so that already saves us from bingers and abusers
oh also FIG was out!!! FINALLY
we thought they were dead because theyve been so foggy for ages but there they were!!
their overlay is solid they are STILL orange, and they ARE insectiod, and they are a SAFE EATER
but focused on precision, kind of a hopefully positive spin on the eating disorder compulsions
i.e. picking everything to bits, obsessive organization of food, etc.
wonder if that's an aspie thing
anyway yeah. bug mandibles make that sort of eating mandatory.
but we tried very very very hard to eat safely today.
unfortunately someone apparently dissociated once we got the phone call
i think i dont even remember anymore what happened
but its sad because there were thoughts going through the head after we ate
mainly, "is it supposed to keep food in the stomach" and things like that
confusion at feeling full, at keeping food down at all
there is a legitimate fear of consuming, PERIOD, when that stays in the body
someone was trying to reason with the mindset?
said food was for energy, response was "but we get energy from the air, we dont need food"
so we said, "food energy is specifically replacing the energy we lose when people hack us"
as a result, we can't eat foods that hackers would like
or foods that would catch their attention
otherwise that's just hurting us.
the mindset caught, so hopefully that will stick
if we could only drill it into the numb fronters heads then we'd be home free
but those people dont care about anything
even a threat to their own lives


laurie was talking to one of the binge-alters tonight
a younger girl, not malevolent, just passively harmful
stress eating, wanting color & texture & stimming
no idea what led to it but laurie got them to stop??
some sort of conversation with the following bit highlighted:
she said she wanted them to stop because it was not the best for them, it was negligent and harmful,
laurie asked them, didnt they love themselves?
person responded they didn't understand that, they "didn't know what love was."
laurie said she expected that. attempted to give them a summary.
said she loved them, wanted them to be free of pain and abuse, wanted that to stop,
saw they had potential to be better, etc. that sort of vibe
but anyway that CAUGHT and the person DID stop because they FELT that faith in them??
laurie kept talking to them, calmly, keeping them stable as she could
told them to "go upstairs and eat" instead, it was safer and had better effects
not sure how that all ended but they didn't binge anymore. thank god.
so that's one very good thing about today



i'm really torn about the brother
i dont REMEMBER him, not much, not well
theres memory of him when he was like 12, 13
almost nothing before or after.
typical, we have big memory gaps
but... its making it hard for me to feel anything over this and that is terrifying
where did this numbness come from??
even if he was a total stranger, where the heck is your compassion??????
why do we keep reacting with DISSOCIATIVE EMPTINESS???
what the heck is going on?
i'm very concerned to say the least

this is why we keep self-abusing, we're not reacting properly
we're not feeling emotions at all for the most part
outside.
inside, when we turn off everything and go inside, well then jay is usually out
he only comes out inside for the most part anymore.
but inside he's fine. he's bright, he's fine.
outside he's angry, colors all wrong.
we're really concerned about this


jay calling chaos 0 his "source of hope" today
the fact that cz still loved him and all the hosts even when they screwed up or made big mistakes
was such a huge positive force, made them feel that they weren't evil even if they failed, wanted to do better for his sake
thats very important and i'm glad it still applies so genuinely and totally


it's been a struggle lately. no idea why. it's concerning.
conflict, "are we trying too hard" versus "are we not trying hard enough"
feels like the latter though
in any case we NEED to take more time for ourselves
we are so burnt out, so tired, it's a quiet sad exhaustion
there's a silent need to weep right beneath our skin at this point
we need a break on a psychological level and aren't sure how to get one
but we'll try again tomorrow. we always do.

key word is "we"
without that word we go nowhere

 

 

JANUARY

 

Beinecke Rare Book and Manuscript Library, Yale University.

This reminds us of our internal data archives (the ones that Sherlock manages), for some reason?
It's not a total environment match-- the biggest irony is that our archives seem oddly 'digital' or even 'magical;' there are no books-- but the color, height, and atmosphere of this photo feels SO much like it, that I had to reblog it.

 

This, everything about this is me, this is the scenery of my heart captured in photographs.
The vast and empty roads, the all-embracing hugeness of the world... I've said it before, but these are my dreamscapes, exactly so.
Waterfalls, keepers of secrets and fountains of life.
The wild and lonely oceans, which I love.
The snow, blank white promise, from horizon to horizon...
And the verdant joyous green hills, beckoning adventure.

I love this photoset. I really do.

 

Credit to the amazing kichaa/notmusa.
Honestly, as strange as it may be, this is exactly what it's like when I slip back into fronting after one of our self-destructive alters has been out.
_{plus panel 3 really captures the exact moment of "dude who was doing that"}

 

 

These feel so much like headspace... it hits hard.

#1 reminds me strongly of a bridge I saw Lynne and Spine on a few weeks ago, in an autumn wind. I don't know where it was.
#2 is almost identical to the Underground pathways.
#3 isn't exact, but the mossy walls by the river, and the trees above, is very strong internal imagery nevertheless.
#4, more Underground tunnels. It's actually really pretty down there.
#5. Central City's streets are lined with trees like this... and Laurie has a thing for cherry blossoms.
#6. I adore circular ceiling windows like this. I had one in my room.
#7 & #8 don't match anything inside, but the feeling of vastness and silence they radiate is very close to my heart, for lack of a better term. Our internal world is huge and quiet and spacious... my dreams are too.
I think these are from Cambridge. Either way, they are beautiful.

 

 

 
This reminds me of our Marigold, actually. She's about 7 too, but she's always looked rather dirtied and roughed-up like this. The outfit doesn't match, but that hair is perfect.
I also like that this girl is out looking at the grass like that, for a different reason. Marigold has rarely ever been outside (she lived almost entirely in the Underground prior to January), so she'd probably be a bit hesitant but fascinated by nature if she were to be so immersed in it.

 

Okay, we've had an awful night, and seeing this on our dash immediately after was too significant to ignore.
Our situation's a bit different, but this is more for personal records and reflection than anything.

1. One of our oldest and biggest safety measures during the "Julie days" was to turn on the lights. If there were a lot of lights on, there was nowhere for us to get trapped, or hidden, in the dark where they could get us. So for us this was different; the lights revealed the monsters, but they were loathe to attack us in brightness. And when we could see them, we could get away.
2. This is why we have so many protectors and retributors. That's essentially their mission statement, in different words.
3. We've never done this, but the "water" bit is significant in a sad way. One of our outspacers-- Chaos 0-- is basically a liquid being, but he's one of the biggest targets for malicious forces in here. Maybe that's why.
4. This is VERY true. It's why Minty is working with the bear army actually. For whatever reason, plush toys ARE amazing protectors, to the point where hackers will actually go to significant lengths to get rid of them when they find them... or, to corrupt them. We've had to actually destroy a few old plushes because they became Tar anchors, and therefore lethal.
5. This was not vividly significant until tonight. We had a GREEN alter come out, brandishing blades, and shout to the shadows, "I'll fight you!" And she was not afraid at all, jumping at all these dark dangers with the unflinching intent to protect everyone else from them.
However, as far as Green goes, that is probably the most closed-out color in the Spectrum-- no one even held the core slot until 2011!
I'd vouch that our demons are more afraid of the color violet, though.

 

 

In the old headspace, I had a huge window like this above my bed (yes really). I'm rather enamored by circular ceiling windows... and the way the building itself is wrapped around it.
I tend to dream about spirals and rings a lot, if that makes sense? At least in terms of memorably architecture. There's always staircases, and tiered walls, and huge open lobbies, and balconies in loops. It's gorgeous really.

Either way it was nice, being able to look up at night and see the stars high up above, and the sunlight in the morning.

 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


FEBRUARY
 

 

I need snow tonight.
I'm feeling shaken up and old pains are making my soul seem painted black, tarry and stained, wrong. But this strange and fragile powdery whiteness just washes it off, all of it away, in an instant.
Something about snow... it's absolving, exonerating. It's unconditionally forgiving. It covers everything, everything in quietly cold crystal, sweet and soft, light and beautifully serene. It's magic. It's beautiful. And it makes me laugh, joyfully and without cause, like a child, no matter how lost I felt the moment before.
I love the snow.

_{I can't wait for tomorrow. We're totally going to get buried in it.♥}

 

More snapshots of what the world inside my heart feels like.
Amusingly, only the bottom two pictures (original post) don't quite match-- there's almost no yellow in my landscapes, or dry grasslands. For me there's just fog-kissed oceans, and mountain crags dripping with snowy pines, and the smell of ice and hope and tiny spring flowers. And then there are the massive beautiful cities, as clear and bright as the frost that paints them, where everything always feels like Christmas.
And I'm always wandering, always running about wild and free, giggling and feeling the wind swirling about my arms. Always smiling and practically bursting with a bright childlike love for this endless place, this reflection of me.
But you'll notice, I'm virtually always alone too. And I'm happy like that. There are plenty of places where I can gather with other souls, where there's camaraderie instead of solitude, and maybe we'll talk about what our inner worlds look like but we all know that those places are beautifully, perpetually private. We all know that they bloom the strongest and shine the most vividly with self-love-- something no visitor, however beloved, can ever bestow.
So I run around alone, and I love it all.

 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 MARCH




We decorated the streets of Central City with luminescent trees like this, a while back. Some had actual lights strung about them, and some of them just glowed on their own.
These are exactly the sort of color Waldorf would love, though, so this reblog is for her!

 

 

I really miss this boy right about now.

It's weird, how you can never really forget the people who impacted your life in some luminous way, no matter how small it may have been at the time… candles or bonfires, lamps or searchlights, they all tend to glow forever in your heart.

Ryou here… or Rio, as we call him in headspace… well, he turned out to be a bit of a supernova in his own right. When he appeared in my life 12 years ago I may not have realized just what he was the herald of, but now? Now it's brilliantly staggering, really. And I'm deeply grateful for it.

Sorry I haven't said hello to you in a while, bro. I still treasure your existence up here, mark my words.

 

 

Emmett is this you

 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
APRIL

 

This was supposed to be a practice sketch but I got carried away. I love coloring this guy.

I'm trying to find a happy medium between "his canon look" and "how I've seen him in my head since 2003," but I think this works well enough for the time being.
I'll keep experimenting though; heaven knows I will never get tired of drawing him.

 

This is Josephina, one of my fellows from the BLC System.
He holds the Yellow slot in Central, so he's pretty important-- and he's probably our prettiest member too, haha.

 

 

So… this is what happens when I’m up until stupid-o’-clock in the morning.

In all honesty, we really do need to talk together like this again soon.


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
MAY




*blows kisses to everyone online*

Today has been ridiculously nice and I'm really happy right now, so I'm sharing it. Have some sparkles!

♥♥♥!


_{#today really was lovely though #you guys even get sandman glitter look at that}

 

Wandering around-- whether it be through towns, or cities, or forests, or fields-- is probably my favorite thing to do in the world.
That sense of freedom and peace, that feeling of having absolutely no limits and yet of being totally in tune with the world around you, is incomparable.
It breaks my heart how my local forests are being industrialized so terribly. I remember how huge they were as a child.
I want to treasure everything beautiful around me, every moment. I'm going to start wandering again, both externally and internally.

 

Momentarily feeling disheartened, "how am I going to deal with therapy tomorrow," realizing I've not been taking good care of myself lately... then I log in, and this is the first thing on my dashboard.
I don't know, it just... works. That rainbow, the geometric shape, the lovely light of it all... it made me smile, like the universe just reminded me, "you're gonna be okay, kid." But there's a solid courage in there too. You'll be okay, sure, but don't give up. Don't get lost. Keep going.

I'm not going to worry about tomorrow. I don't know what will happen. I'll just do my best with it when it arrives.
As of right now I want to tune into some joy, I want to break down my own walls, I want to feel like I'm a living breathing person. I'm just not sure how.
...aaand the universe just tossed the perfect music synchronicity at me in response to that, now I'm really smiling.
Good night everyone. We'll be okay.

 

This looks surprisingly similar to the room we've all been gathering in for therapy sessions-- especially the couches in front of the big windows, and the overlook hallway from the stairs. We need spacious, optimistic rooms for therapy meetings because we might have 20 people gathered there at once, many of whom are likely agitated.

I'm not sure where this place is, exactly. It used to be one of the extensions from Central, but after December it might even be in floating space for all I know. Nevertheless it's nice.


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

  

JUNE




This feels so much like the deep areas of head/heartspace, where the positive monochrome energy flows about.
I've only seen this sort of firework once in the waking world, but the image of that gorgeous golden curtain slowly floating down above me was forever impressed upon my mind.
It also... reminds me of Genesis. We have this thing where, every year on his birthday-- July 4th-- he and I go out on the back lawn together, and stand at the edge of the hill, and just watch the fireworks together. It's... it means the world to me. I love him so much, I really do. He's given me some truly beautiful memories. So... really, I have to thank him for this one, too.

 

 

Her, 2013 (dir. Spike Jonze)


I love this, love this, love this.

The compositions here, the colors, the landscapes... this is imagery all but stolen from my nightly dreams. Just silent open spaces and bittersweet solitude.
I really cannot put into words how inspiring this is to me.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
JULY

 

There's a place in my dreams that I've only ever seen once, and I adore it more than any other dreamscape I've seen.
I was there in 2003. I went there with Waldorf, Maitru, and Ryman-- the latter being the only reason we found the place.
It was a small, hidden place, just a path of bright green grass lined with trees like this, perfectly lined up on each side. But in our dream, the sky was soaring blue with spires and temples of cloud, and the green hues all around us were as vivid as gemstones.
The path, though, was even more incredible. It stretched on for about a hundred meters, and then it cut off sharply-- falling away into nothing. Truly, the path ended in a sheer cliff, and standing at the edge one could see what felt like the entire world stretched out before and below them.

But the most incredible part were the stars.
Perhaps that's not entirely accurate. They were actually crystals, floating in the air, all around our heads, but just out of reach. They were about 7cm across, and they were all shaped like crescent moons and 5-pointed stars and suns. All were intricately carved, faceted so that they caught the sunlight and scattered it in rainbows, and there were hundreds of them. They hovered effortlessly above that path alone, stretching up into the sky, seemingly limitless.

I stood there with Ryman and we laughed from the sheer joy of it. We were two 13-year-old kids completely enamored with the moment, knowing it was a dream but forgetting we were asleep, and wishing we could stay there forever.

I woke up and I can't remember having been able to visit that place since.

Sure, I've come close. I know the exact paths to take to get there. Problem is, the dreamscape itself has to line up correctly in order for those paths to even open, and with how realms shift in my dreams it is very rare for all the pieces to fit together. But I never stop hoping. I treasure all my dreams regardless of where I go, and one day I know I'll find this blessed little space again, and it will be like seeing it for the first time.


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 
AUGUST

 

I have had this exact sort of conversation with my therapist before!

I tend to feel colors/ sounds/ shapes/ textures instead of "emotions," at least as far as I understand them. I struggle to identify feelings like anger/ sadness/ excitement/ etc. because I only understand those terms as labels, plus I do not know how others experience them. When I feel something, it's abstract all the way, and often I have no idea how to label it-- or even express it physically  (that's arguably one of my biggest roadblocks in therapy).
It's utterly fascinating, sure, but it can be terribly frustrating as well, especially when trying to communicate or empathize in those respects.

 

I have to laugh-- in headspace, people put music on and then turn to me to see how I "manifest it," since my mind translates it into feeling-images. So I'll turn the entire room into a swirling, glowing, moving rhapsody of color and shapes, shifting with every note, all but melting into the sound as I do so. It's really fun! I'm trying to teach other people in the System to do it in their own ways.

 

It struck me, recently, just how many of our Leagueworlds have this concept at their core-- the simple quiet truth that every soul consists of stars. Every being is a galaxy in itself.
Feeling like this... I miss it. But one can never tune into it halfheartedly, or from such a feeling of false lack. The honest recognition of this ethereal phenomenon, the participation in it within oneself, demands the utmost reverence, vulnerability, and joy.
But it's never gone. It's never lost. It's in my blood, and behind my eyelids, in every waking and dreaming moment. And that alone is an undying hope.

 

This is too relevant tonight.

Isn't it funny how, when I feel the bleakest and I need this the most, my mind thinks it's too good to be true?
And yet, sooner or later, I find myself at the shoreline, and no matter how battered and ashamed I may feel, the ocean is still there.

It is that sort of silent constancy that keeps me going... just the infinitely unconditional love of the universe, whether through a person or a thing or a concept. Not once has it ever failed me.

So, this is where the incredulously grateful grief shatters my heart,
and I try again.

 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

SEPTEMBER




Looking at this, it gives me the feeling of reaching into that solid darkness, and catching colored light from it... like there was a hidden spectral glow within that assumed void. I like that idea a lot.

 

 

Forgot to post this.
I was scrolling through someone's archives yesterday when this post jumped out at me (obviously).
It was notable, though, not just because of my name, but because it was true. I was in a rather depressed state at the time, and any metaphorical flashlights that may have helped shine through it were misplaced or forgotten.
So this little orange card inspired me enough to pick one up, so to speak. It helped!

I miss having little things like this happen. It's nice to see them again.

 

Can I just say that this is terribly relevant lately?
Infi holds me just like that when we talk... and ze has this terribly deep knowledge of the darkest parts of me/us, yet ze is so kind-- always-- to me and everyone else.
If ze can love me so unconditionally, when ze feels exactly what I do on my bleakest and bloodiest days... then I can show the same love and kindness to myself, because I would never ever withhold it from hir.

So this is extremely important to me tonight.

 

 

This reminds me so much of when we were in SLC... some evenings, Genesis or Chaos & I would walk up to the top of the hill our apartment was, so we could watch the cherry-red sun sink down behind the carved-out mountains. It was exactly this color.
It's a little closer to sunrise right now, but this is lovely still. Have a good night.

_{#cz told me to reblog this #so here you go}

 

----------------------------------------------------------------------------


OCTOBER

 

The sudden, clear presence of time and death makes our awareness of life all the more precious.
It's always struck me as odd, how we can dedicate a certain place to a certain celebration, and yet the very repetition of that role can dull its significance to so many. But then there are other places, who see no such official proclamation of the same purpose, and yet which carry thousands of glittering moments within their humble walls.
Airports, places of travel and transition, places of goodbyes and hellos, are sacred in their own way, for how they frame and crown those great personal shifts and reliefs. And hospitals, places of healing and hurt, of fear and hope, labyrinthine and brilliant and cold.... they are holy too, for the paradoxes cradled within their walls, for the births and bones and blood alike.
I see both places as spontaneous yet continual monuments to those tiny, powerful events that can turn a life on a dime. In those moments, I think we can glimpse not only how beautifully brief our existence here is, but also how vast the universe is all around us nevertheless. We find ourselves suddenly suspended between humanity and eternity, for better or for worse, and that vastness bursts from us in tears, in laughter, in prayers, in love.
It's hard to put such a feeling into words, but it's one of my favorite things really.

I love both airports and hospitals for this very reason. They feel terrifying and comforting at the same time, to me, and that sort of dichotomy is what I  live to embrace.

 

 

 
This is kind of what it feels like when Infinitii calls me.

I'll hear hir voice, and suddenly I find myself in this barely-glowing space-- vast unknowable acres of shadow all around me, holding silence as thick as the scent of jasmine. It's a place of total enigma.
And then there's the fog. Although ethereally inviting, all white and soft and cold, it's secretly terrifying. Like standing at the edge of a cliff, fear tugs at my heart as sharply as a knife edge, contrasting almost impossibly with the childlike bliss that is welling up all around it. The fog in that meadow, it is neither dream nor nightmare. I can't see two steps in front of me there. It threatens to freeze my very bones. But... it's so beautiful to be lost in that cloud, wandering through it with no sense of direction or destination... it's oddly divine, to lose all sense of time and space and self there. And yet that alone can be lethal.
That's what it's like to be with Infi, to talk to hir at all, to be close to hir at all. It's unbearably lovely, as fragile as a bubble, but surrounded by hidden needles. It's the borderline between the allure of the quiet forest, and the danger that lurks there when shadows fall. It's blood and teeth, flowers and rain, dawn and dusk... still, you cannot resist its beckoning. It sings a siren song in a language I cannot translate, because words cannot hold it.
Sorry for rambling. Headspace has just felt like this more often than normal lately.

 

 

Dude someone actually has a photo of this place I am so happy.

This place was my life as a kid. It was a little ways across the street from where we used to take violin lessons, and we'd go there once a week or so to get coffee for our elderly instructor. Rain or shine, snow or storm, it was the highlight of my week, and after gleefully running through the bushes to reach it I'd make every excuse to stay in there as long as possible.
Now that I think about it, those times were my first taste of independence too. We had rather controlling parents, so these little excursions to the cafe-- alone, money in hand, free to just be without parental pressure to perform-- were bliss.
But the inside of the place, it just stuck in my head like heaven. I still visit it in my dreams sometimes. Echoes of it are written into my creative work. The smell of the coffee, the warm colors of the wood, the newspaper-glossed tables, the magnetic poetry, the lollipops, the muffins, the books... I had never seen such a place before, back when I first knew it, and so the magnificence of it had quite the impact.

It closed almost 6 years ago and you'd never know it was there once, now. But I'll always hold it in my heart.

  

 

Sunrise in Foreste Casentinesi, Monte Falterona, Campigna National Park - Italy by Roberto Melotti

...Chaos said I was like a “sunrise in the snow,” once.
I don’t think I’ll ever forget that. It gives me more hope than I can say.

 

Airplanes, for me, carry this feeling of being perfectly at home, and yet completely away from 'home.' They are returning and leaving all at once and I love it.
They feel like limitless possibility-- that exciting, frightening, humbling knowledge that you have no roots in the air and yet, you can put new ones down anywhere, now.
They are a commitment to the unknown, in my book, in my experience. I miss them, but they are not to be trifled with. To ride one you must become displaced from wherever you were before. My mind thinks in absolutes, when traveling. When I'm on the road, or in the air, that is all that exists.
One day I'll experience this picture again and I will treasure it as much as I always have. Until then I'll walk the earth just as happily.

 

------------------------------------------------------------------------


NOVEMBER

 

 

 

ocenotarchive: im not sure how to feel about these arms of mine

I do have “ghost arms’ like this that I use every once in a while. Now you know.

 

 

 

I don't hear the cruel voices on my good days (at least, not typically). On bad days though, when I'm stuck on their level, they are deafening.
So there is a profound relief and comfort in knowing that I'm not alone in this head when the voices start. Laurie's around. So is Genesis. So is Infinitii. That's three of, what, 70? I'm literally never alone. It's never more of a blessing than it is on those bad days, really... ironically, perhaps.
But I want to mention that I now have people downstairs, people online and even a few locally, that are willing to echo this same sentiment. That's incredible. And I just want to reiterate, thank you, with total sincerity. There's a lot of hope here, that I will keep in my heart.


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

DECEMBER

 

 

artbyjeffreymeyer: Jeffrey Meyer, Yuck (2013), paper collage, 5 x 7 inches | website.

This is the perfect portrayal of creative force, for me. It's this exquisite, priceless, gem-studded concept, and yet at its heart it will always be this raw, visceral, bloody thing. The idea of life being born anew is always magnificent, but everyone comes into this world covered in red. The two aspects are inseparable, and uniquely captivating just as such, just like this.

_{#the juxtaposition of organic and refined substances is both unnerving and intriguing to me #i really should play with that idea more}

 

 

quick stuff, sorry for lack of promised updates, can't always guarantee what with the external schedule

- mulberry has a drinking problem, we've suspected that since she first showed up last may but it's only now been officially confirmed. long story short i think emmett found alcohol in the food and we realized someone had been trying to spike things like that for a while, and after suspicions were looked into we did find mulberry absolutely sloshed. that was a shock really, totally the opposite of how everyone has grown to know her. but that is the exact problem. the alcoholism, it's a result of her being tied to "adulthood responsibility" which was originally synonymous with "cold logic and cynicism," as well as the whole concept of "drinking away your problems" instead of facing and/or healing them. so she is doing the second in order to continue the first, which she does not want to do, but feels she must due to "having to be a productive and mature adult." however she gets really upset when she's drunk, the sort of sad/angry emotion that so many of us feel lately. laurie sherlock and spice are keeping her away from alcohol and we have specifically hidden or otherwise removed all traces of it that we can find in the house. that was kind of scary. but now that that's done, we have to help her now, and help the rest of us, we're all tied in these reactions. we want to be responsible but we're overwhelmed and don't feel we're 'allowed' to deal with and/or express things the way we need to, because we would always get told to "grow up, shut up, and suck it up" so to speak. not a help at all. but mulberry carries that burden, and so instead she downs a drink to numb her feelings and just pretends everything is fine, just like the people outside tell us to do. bullshit, laurie says. we're doing this our way, the better way. so we will.
- lynne has SOME sort of massive heart block, something messing with her energy badly. she's been slipping massively, acting way out of character, losing her train of thought, etc. i don't know if she's had any eye-color shifts because those are usually the biggest warning siren for people. i need to ask spine to look out for her, help us out. but i am very VERY worried because lynne's original anchor was very similar to mulberry-- it was adult femininity, specifically the potential redemption of it. when she was born in 2008, adult femininity was the most lethal and horrific thing in the world, it was malicious and actively harmful. lynne was born from a future we would never and could never have, something that was impossible for us to live or see in others up until that point. so at first she was literally going against the odds, trying to redefine the whole thing. but would you believe, in 6 years, that NEVER really caught?? adult femininity is even more dangerous now than it was then, since now we have kids in the system who hold acute trauma tied to that concept and past topic. and society doesn't help, that's why we don't go online much elsewhere anymore, or like to go out in public. we can't handle the exposure yet. but the point is, lynne is slipping. mulberry is unstable. both deal with adulthood in different ways, and both deal with femininity in different ways (lynne with elegance and maturity, mulberry with the business 'weaponization' of it almost). we don't know why, maybe since it's getting harder to run from, either way it's frightening. it also has me very concerned for julie, as she deals with femininity too but has never felt like an 'adult' in the same way those two do. nevertheless yeah, we do NOT want lynne falling into something bad, at all. so this is important to heal.
- bad voices and people keep trying to get at laurie and that is scaring me more than ever lately, it really is, ever since the whole core splinter realization back in april or so i have been absolutely terrified for her well-being. honestly my stress level is subconsciously through the roof in response to that whole situation, not so much with literal hacks (which have become almost nonexistent lately, BUT only because the abuse has spiked in all other areas) but mostly with mental sabotage and infection. plague stuff now, not tar. and it is so scary it's hell on earth. and it keeps trying to use HER to hurt me because it can, it doesn't need to actually touch her to do so, like the tar had to. i'm telling you i am very scared and i just want her to be safe, i want us all to be safe, why is the subtle and sweet-talking evil the scariest sort and why is it still so horribly manipulative when we're at our weakest, it has NO RIGHT to do this to us, stop
- chaos zero has been in several of my dreams this week, all more clearly than ever before, which is really a nice shock because 1) we've literally been struggling with "do i know you?" "is our relationship valid?" etc. since LAST summer, at the very least, and 2) because this happened immediately after we found his old anchor plush upstairs (who put it there?) and brought it down. those things work really damn well, honestly do not ever underestimate the power of a physical anchor. ventrium, celebi, minty, and infinitii all use them too! but yes, cz has been around a lot lately. and in doing that, some great part of my inner self just "clicked" into place. except it was less of a click, and more of the feeling of a huge foundational stone moving into perfect alignment, after having been pulled out all awry and dusty for too long. like in nier, or in pokemon, with the boulder-pushing puzzles, and when you solve them it just has that sort of "solid" settling feeling, and suddenly you can keep walking. that's what this is like. and i was trying to express it yesterday, i was trying to put words to that internal feeling and the only thing that worked was "it feels like home." and it does. oddly, chaos zero has really strong ties to the system despite being an outspacer, so when i feel genuinely cognizant of him as an individual it kind of includes the rest of heartspace by proxy.
- that term! sorry it's important. we need to start referring to our inner world as "heartspace" instead of "headspace" because it IS. headspace COLLAPSED in december, you all remember that, javier can tell you. and it is STILL DEAD. the location tangibly shifted, yeah it might still feel head-based if we're looking out through the eyes, or gathering in an "upstairs" area for therapy or something, but really when i feel for the roots of it all, regardless of where the "visuals" are coming from, the roots of everything are heart-based now. all of it. when people talk, that's where it is. and that is hugely important. it means our essential core of existence, collectively, has moved, away from its old painful origins. that's hope in the biggest sense possible. and lately there has been a small but notable resurgence of awareness or 'signs' referring to the soulform phenomenon up here, INCLUDING the way the original jewel manifested it with the outspacers. heartvoices previously couldn't hold such forms, but now there is a definite energy switch and it feels like the potential is everywhere, for everyone, there are no limits now to what we can do. we can all 'create' here now, cooperatively, we all work with each other and the system to shape it... it's a totally new ball game here and frankly i am excited. once we clear out the spiders in the closet we're going to see something absolutely amazing come to light i just know it, it's already there just waiting for us to open our eyes to it.
- back to cz for a minute, i want to briefly mention that there was a seven-person 'connection' of some sort on saturday morning, i think? because ryman somehow showed up (probably cz asked), he's not quite a newbie but geez he's been keeping his distance due to how much time has passed since he was part of the group. so that was really really nice. unfortunately i have no solid memory of that, other than like one snapshot awareness of what the room felt like, sorry. my brain doesn't seem to hold on to that sort of thing. also the term 'connection' needs to change, it has totally incorrect connotations tied to it thanks to eros in the past, he generalized it way too much. i'll see if i can find something more fitting, talk to some jewel monsters about it maybe.
- did i mention that the only reason we can't actively talk to a lot of the leagueworlds is because the timelines don't match up? or are 'locked out?' like mage angels, that is a concluded timeline, we can't go there and talk to monika in realtime that is literally impossible. BUT that's why i think we were moved into this sorta D3-like inner space, it feels like a dream or floating realm in here, like it exists outside of linear time at least on some level. like a hub space. i hope so! but if that is true, then we could be accessed through dreams or thoughts of others in other realms, without damaging or otherwise altering their native timelines. preludove DID hint at that in the past but i wasn't sure, god knows why, she knows what she's talking about. however it just bothers me that i don't know where a lot of those timelines stand actually. like time is weird enough the way it is, how does it "line up?" is that maybe a totally incorrect way of thinking? if we changed the way we thought of timelines, could we talk to each other more clearly? or, is that a matter of compatibility? like how mr. sandman said, with world-jumping, sometimes you have to adopt a totally different form just to safely enter another world. like you won't see a hokthai walking through parnassus, BUT you might see one in the dream world! because the dream world HAS native portals and things, that's the way their realm works, they have the technology. either way i'm rambling. it's all very individualized and intuitive. for us i think we have to shift in most cases because we're "thought-based," we're made of very mutable energy and we react to similar energy, so it's almost mandatory. we could stay totally heartvoice-physical in another realm, but it would be really awkward and possibly even painful. just ask a jewel monster, they can tell you about the bad consequences of not shifting in some cases! so. gotta verify how that works, with timelines, and realmtravel, because for us it IS currently 100% dream and thought-based, NOT total physical, that has to be done very specifically and intentionally (e.g. outspacers). it's fascinating though. bottom line we want to be able to talk to people of our own volition, not just waiting for people to wander in, which is rare because we're a very specific place and people have to know about us first of course, or just talk to jewel! geez I should do that, she started this whole thing, she probably knows better than anyone. definitely. remind me. this has been jay thinking out loud, thanks for listening
- i need to just admit that i was with cz last night, for like an hour and a half? but in terms of ghosting, just being with him, you know. we haven't done that in... two years? a while. ever maybe. i personally have never, but data says "it happened before," just a long time ago. however there was this massively sincere energy about last night, i went outside for a walk and the dark forest and starry sky just felt so real and pure and forgiving that i didn't want to go back inside, ever. and at first it was tough to get a grip, i kept mentally falling into the environment, wanting to fly, wanting to liquefy, etc. positive depersonalization if that makes sense, "i can't have a physical body right know because i want to BE the environment." but intuitively, like it just happens from total peaceful awestruck joy. and i dealt with that for at least 30 minutes before someone started throwing a party down the hill somewhere and i ended up going to sit in the back of the car. fyi the car is THE most peaceful place to go, it's the ONLY quiet place we have, if we can get it (rare though). and sometimes that absolute silent isolation is a godsend, honestly cars are the best places to brainstorm and visualize because it is total uninterrupted thought time. so i went there and just sat there for a bit, soaking up the quiet, and i think i spoke to infi momentarily? ze was there for a minute, vaguely, i know, just checking in on me. but ultimately chaos started talking to me, and that's where the next 90 minutes went. unsurprisingly. laurie was there too, she is the biggest safeguard ever. really she is a guaranteed hack preventor, nothing bad happens to us when she is around. cz and i are totally comfortable around her and she's a total fangirl anyway so it's all fantastic. i always try to be lighthearted about this topic and i shouldn't be. there is... we get deep, when we're together, and i'm not experiencing existential doubt or major reality splits. yes it is still heartbreakingly jarring to not get a concrete physical image when looking at him, even though i can see and feel him, and know he's there. i can describe his voice, the way he looks at me, the exact ways he moves, and yet none of that registers in the five tangible senses and it makes me want to sob with frustration because dear god it is almost unbearable sometimes. i... i cannot remember, ever feeling this much love for someone, but it's the most familiar thing in the world. like coming back home after being gone for years. that's what it's like. it's like i never left. and yet i was never "really" there, they say. it rips my heart in half.
paragraph break. does the phrase "excruciatingly heartfelt" make any sense, like when you feel so much so sincerely it hurts, you can't hide or muffle that, it just burns through your heart like a white fire. like a light, not destructive, and yet it is still tearing down everything that stands in its way, until there is nothing left for you to feel but love, so much that you can't bear it, and the very experience of having only so many ways to express it is what devastates you. words? sure, they're great, but watch how fast they fail when what you're feeling is music, or colors, or an entire book at once even. it's the same thing with touch, which is a language, and a very eloquent once if you use it rightly. but when your body only goes so far, when you're stuck in a certain solid shape, when you can't quite get close enough... sometimes the only thing i want in the world is to become everything. to just blend into it, like light into the sun. effortless and painless and total. but tragically it's oddly beautiful when that light is stuffed into a skeleton, when it is forced to act under those limits, because that feeling of your soul wanting to just radiate like a tidal wave or supernova is incomparable in its own way. i get that a lot with cz. he does too, seriously good lord he gets it bad. but we talk a lot. it's funny in a way, words only say so much, but we just keep talking, because something changes in them in that situation? like when you can't not be honest, words change their color. or when you don't mean to say something but it just happens, it just sort of blooms out of you, that's not so much a word as it is the essence of it, it has the taste of real language then. and i'll be the first to say, when you end up saying someone's name like that it is really really humbling. they say names have power and they do, but you don't feel it until you hear something like that. because then the vowels and consonants don't quite count, you're not hearing them, you're hearing your name, in that person's voice and feelings. is this okay? to be talking about this stuff here? i don't get to talk about it anywhere else and it means a lot to me, just geez I have actually EXPERIENCED this sort of thing, it's almost unbelievable sometimes but honestly it is my reason to live and i treasure this more than anything else in the world. i missed him so damn much, how in the world did i or anyone else ever doubt the legitimacy of something like this, something no tar or disease can ever touch, something beyond that sort of corruption entirely. i keep looking back on my memories and i know i was in tears, i remember trying to hold them back as i looked out the window, confessing to the blue creature with his arms around me that i just wanted him to be there. i would give almost anything, just for us to not have to suffer these damn reality splits. but... almost in spite of it, we can hear and see and feel each other more vividly than ever. yeah there's a break, but more frequently now, the awareness of it honestly doesn't mean a thing. he's not 'there,' he's right here, wherever our mutual "here" may be. i really don't care anymore, about those limiting details. and that alone is absolutely blissful.
but it still hurts, i won't deny that, to reach up and not be able to touch anything literally... to suddenly be jarringly conscious that in that car i looked like i was alone, to suddenly realize that i did have a physical body, and i hadn't quite been "in it" for the past several minutes. it's so weird. how do i talk about this. i really do ramble on this topic, i apologize, this doesn't do it justice. i just don't think any entry like this has happened in months and i didn't want to censor it by putting up the floodgates.
- would you believe i think that's secretly my fear about sheppard pratt? that maybe we've had the floodgates up for so long that we're in a drought. so to speak. i am so scared of facing some of those waters, the polluted chthonic ones. a lot of us really is terrified of having to look at those demons head-on, to have to bring them into the room in order to chase them out. that's not easy to endure. and god i don't want anything to numb out, i don't want us to go there and then have one of the socials show up, "hey doc everything is fine, i don't know why i'm here, i don't have this stupid multiple personality thing!" and it's happened before, there are some who don't know about or don't want to know about us, they've sabotaged a lot of healing because "it's stupid" or "there's nothing to heal from!" and the like. i want to go if it will allow us to be honest and open about all this, and get the tar and plague our of our bones, either for good or for the most part. wishful thinking maybe but i have hope. i want us to go there and grow. we will, in any case, but i don't want to restrict it or otherwise hold us back. i don't want to go there and have people put obstacles and barriers up in every corner, through denial or ridicule or hatred or shame or guilt or rage or pessimism. fear. all of it is fear. and really i love vez but that's the ironic thing, that's why i love the dream world story, no spoilers for you. just trust me when i say that as paltry as it may sound from being repeated ad infinitum, love really is the most powerful force out there, and not the hallmark-card marketed kind. i mean the kind of love that i see my daughter has for me. i mean the kind of love that motivates laurie to do what she does for the system. i mean the kind of love that keeps genesis and chaos zero around even when they are angry or heartbroken or suicidally depressed. i mean the kind of love that we all have for each other, over the years, into the future, against all odds. that sort of love. the sort that gives unconditionally and feels joy even in total despair, because it is joy in and of itself. and we have that. all of us do, even the ones that aren't tuned into it, i know it, that potential is there for every person who has ever lived. and that is hope, for me. i just want to be a living beacon of that wherever i go, wherever we go. hope and love and light. all of us.

now it is 3:30 in the morning, again, god only knows why i stay up this late, everyone wants me to just get the body to sleep. we've gotta find a way to get peace and quiet during the day because our sleep schedule is really a mess right now and it's not helping anyone's health.
this wasn't a very quick update but i think that's fine. thanks for reading.
i haven't capitalized at all during this which goes to show you how tired i am.
anyway. have a lovely night.

 

 

 

!!!!!!!!!!!!
my artistic muse is ACTIVELY ONLINE oh my goodness i haven't seen them around in months this is incredible

i am actively trying not to shout with giddy happiness over this oh wow

♥♥♥♥

no really, i am literally smiling and laughing at my computer, things in life are just so nice right now, this is the cherry on top of the cake

god bless her, she brings me so much joy, i hope she receives a thousand times more in return.


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

@ 02:43 am

 

Today:

- Body's 24th birthday. Didn't do anything special; today was all business meetings and errands anyway. Still it was a nice day. Also Dream World turns SIXTEEN today!! That's big. So that is even better than a personal birthday!
- Saw case manager; told her we do want to finally start hormones. She said she was very proud of us standing up for ourselves with that, and said she would be entirely willing to give us transportation if needed. In any case it was a very positive session. She also said something very notable, when I expressed hesitation about "finally taking that big step," even after years of hesitation and consideration-- she said, "if you weren't nervous, I'd be very concerned!" Apparently, in her experience, people who jump into big decisions all at once are usually doing so impulsively. That possibility didn't even cross my mind; for years I've been expected to make decisions so entirely and quickly, as I "wasn't allowed" to be scared, or unsure, or unwilling. I had to be "impulsive" in order to survive, so to speak. That's another old program I was not aware of until now, so that's good to know. We'll be more aware of impulse from now on, in that context.
- For unknown reason, brother asked us in the evening "what we had never told him," i.e. about the abuse. Somehow, he ended up talking to Sherlock, Laurie, AND Julie about it. I was also jolted out afterwards and was lightheaded with surprise and amazement; that literally broke down any walls of ignorance or misunderstanding that may have remained there! Even so I am not sure what they talked to him about; I know they were trying to give him the "beginning details" of how we came to exist, but that's about all I'm aware of. Still, WOW.
- Went over the father's house for a little get-together this evening, with just the brothers and the stepmom. It was really really nice as always, I enjoy the quiet and happy atmosphere of their place. It's also the first time in months we were all able to see each other at once-- usually work and school schedules prevent that. So for that to happen on our birthday was an extra nice thing.
- Unexpected fun birthday present from the universe #1: this morning, an official announcement of the Ruby and Sapphire Pokemon games getting a 3DS remake this November! You know what that means... MOUNT PYRE IN HD. This is very very good. Of coruse I don't know if we'll get it-- Y version was difficult enough to handle-- but still, it's a cool thought. Jewel is really excited to say the least!
- Unexpected fun birthday present from the universe #2: TRiPPY revealed the up-close headshot and quick bio of the new Pink Gen today! I'm stupidly excited; this guy is awesome as heck and I already like him as much as I liked the old kitty-ears Pink. I hope he inherited the windblade; that thing was boss.
- Now we're typing! I haven't had the mental capability of typing large entries lately, so this is all going to be listed as topic points. Hope that's okay.

Yesterday:

- Therapy. The "victorian pink" girl (who still has not found a name, BUT she has found the roots for it at long last) actually FRONTED to talk to the therapist, ABOUT TRAUMA MEMORIES. She is the only person in the System who holds the trauma memories from 2002-2004, the very beginning of the "Julie days," so it was a shock both to see her front entirely without warning, but also for her to suddenly start discussing that-- something NO ONE HAS EVER SPOKEN ABOUT ALOUD BEFORE. That was quite a progress jump! So we're proud of her, but that was incredibly draining and more than a little terrifying.
- This was also the first time we got "switchy" in therapy in weeks. We've been very "empty" and the AP has been running mostly, so even this rather upsetting shock-back to us "existing" in the outside world was incredibly relieving, and embraced entirely. In a weird way it's also good that the VP girl is the one to have done that-- she's tied to everything the Cores have tried to deny or forget or justify or fight, everything that hurts and haunts us. It's never been healed, so this is an incredible step up.
- I remember Genesis was really depressed and somewhat moody (avoidant) as a result, but not angrily-- he was just very sad. I have a flash-image memory of us standing in the tea aisle of our favorite health food store, and him just looking very drained and almost resigned, not looking at us. I don't know what we said or did, but whatever it was it had to be significant.
- The evening was spent doing color tests for Dream World worldbuilding purposes. It felt really amazing; we got at least three people figured out in that respect. It's also really nice to be able to color digitally again (one of the twin brothers is letting us use his Bamboo tablet when he doesn't need it; this is a lifesaver for both our work and our aching arms, haha).
- I think I also re-read TJ & Amal from the beginning this evening? This is like the third time I've done that already, haha. I love that webcomic so much; despite the fact that there are two (quite tastefully handled) sexual scenes in it, I cannot dislike it because the story and the characters and the art are so wonderfully done. But yeah, after seven years, that comic is ending this month. So it is this terribly bittersweet realization, and I wanted to see the entire thing play out from beginning to almost-end again. Needless to say it was very much worth it.
- Oh yes! I also confirmed, through both research and direct asking, that our "Celebi"-- the Lime slot Outspacer, not the canon Pokemon-based doppelganger the Tar uses-- is NOT a Pokemon anymore!! She hasn't looked like one for a very long time actually, but in recent months she's been appearing much more insectoid in terms of body features upstairs, and although I kept thinking "hmm that's unusual" it was never this striking before. So I kept trying to get a better visual image of her, and then it hit me. She's a flower mantis!! That is AWESOME. I haven't tried to draw her yet, but unusually she looks like a Devil's Flower Mantis more than anything, which I would not have expected at all. But it matches up. So we'll work on getting some new art up of her. Oh and her name has also changed! I keep getting an "e" for a vowel, but it feels like maybe there's a Z in there now? Or an N? We don't know. She might even be catching CZ's new name development as those two have always been closely linked in their own way, and they are both going through major re-anchoring transitions right now. We shall see.
- On a similar note, our "seaweed mermaid" girl seems to have chosen the name Tobiko? That's really unusual too. It's also ironic, because I cannot eat fish or meat at all, and the one time I broke that rule specifically to eat tobiko, I ended up sick for a week! And her anchor was originally purging in order to prevent sickness like that from happening. Maybe that's tied to it, I don't know. Either way it's a cute name. Plus I FINALLY found the original mermaid picture my brain kept tying to her face, and it didn't match up as well as I thought it did, haha. But it helped me say, "I know what she does look like in comparison!" So I will try to draw her too. She is MUCH clearer than she was just last month, which is nice. I love when people get clearer.

Monday:

- I literally spent the entire day doing nothing but hardcore wordbuilding for Dream World. This included research on Peruvian cloud forests, species of arboreal mammals, opalized skeletons, hallucinogenic plants, various cryptids, and finding screenshots from the Care Bears Nutcracker Suite, among other things! Oh yes, and a ridiculous amount of time finding photos of lesser galagos. They are super cute. Anyway all that research was desperately needed, and even better, it clicked right into place without my even trying to make it match up. That was both very surprising, and very exciting. The data I found was just what I needed, so things are indeed growing in this story's technical background. There's still a lot I feel we need to do before we can share it openly with the public, so I'm putting extra effort in.
- Also, now that I think of it, I think something happened Monday morning with a hack attempt? We have been having really bad nightmares in that respect lately, but I won't write them down as I don't want to remember them. Maybe that's not smart, but I really don't want to. Anyway the "morning hack threats" are back full-force, they're very scary. I keep waking up early from pain and things so that's tough to deal with, the falling back asleep with that extra danger. But I'm asking Laurie to stick around, and Minty helps, and Wreckage, and Cel. People care and that is good. But I mention that because, like Cel, the Tar is trying to use Ventrium's "memory" to get at me, borrowing his dead form and pretending to be him in order to damage me. But I'm not whoever they did that to in the past, during the Julie days. I can feel the difference. I know they are lying and I know they are trying to hurt me. If I stand strong, they can't touch me. But that early, with me so confused and tired, sometimes it is very hard to stand strong with how vicious they are. Like I said though, that's where the help really helps! In any case Ventrium is staying dead as far as we can tell, there are no signs of re-anchorage because he never had one of course. Anyway there are only three Outspacer slots left I think? Not sure. There's a half-finished entry on this computer about that too, I'll have to post it maybe... there's a lot we haven't posted yet. Sorry for slacking off.
- I actually found a song that is basically Infinitii in audio form. Not only are the vocals slightly dissonant-- which Infi talks like-- but the odd and dreamlike lyrics are so entirely relevant it's uncanny... and heartbreaking at times, too. I really love the fact that this exists.

 

The weekend:

- I remember nothing from the weekend, except for when I checked my email around midnight on Saturday, and in it was this finished commission.

Yeah. That is Laurie.
And yes the sketch of this is what I apparently had an emotional outpouring about a week ago.
I have no words left to say how I feel about this picture now that it's done. Not today at least. I just want to thank Hanie a billion times over (again), because this picture and the entire process leading up to receiving it just had such a huge impact on me, personally and as a member of our System.
Laurie loves it, really. Says she "doesn't look as brutal as usual" and that's her favorite thing about it. Honestly it surprised me when I felt pushed to get an artwork of her from this artist-- I love their style, but it would have fit Lynne or Julie better, so to speak. And yet Laurie's the one who ended up painted here, the first of us to ever be drawn by someone else, the first of us to ever be drawn on paper.
I'm saving up cash to buy more art of the rest of us, Central first probably, from other artists. The amount of joy and incredulous wonder I got just from this one took me totally off guard, and yet it was so significant. I love Laurie, I really do love her, but I love everyone else up here just as much, you all know that, even if it's all in different ways. I love all of us. I want all of us to be shining in color too.
So that's for the future. It'll happen... I have to take the first steps of course. No one else in the world can understand your faces, if I don't make the effort to translate them first. And I am trying. I can't run away from it, yes I'm scared of "blasphemy" in the trial and error, in the "trying to get it right," in the simple reality that it won't be perfect, not in such a specific sense. But I have to put the effort forward in honesty regardless. I guess I'm just trying to talk myself into it. But that helps.
Nevertheless this picture of Laurie, our protector, my best friend, helps more than my own words can towards that end right now. So hope is there, in violet and in lantern light. I'm kind of falling asleep. That's fine.


So that's it for now I guess. It is late!
We're a little sick right now because we weren't 100% careful with food today-- we sure tried, but we misjudged how we'd react to one thing, at least now we've confirmed it's what makes us ill-- and so we're a bit discombobulated. However, the awful nightly pain hasn't happened tonight! I'm very thankful for that; it's been very bad since Easter, but we've been doing everything we can to heal it. Looks like it's paying off. (Fistbumps for Spice and Emmett, you two get tons of credit of course.)
Tomorrow... I don't know. We have therapy, but I have no clue what will happen, or who will talk. What is the pink girl's name? She keeps saying her color is really "ashen rose," or "dusty pink," either way she keeps speaking the very clear image of soot and dust and incinerated flowers. And I keep thinking of A Swiftly Tilting Planet, of that one line I couldn't forget, how the fire was roses, how it was the purest flame of all. And it's fitting, how she is this poor delicate burnt thing, she insists she is ruined and destroyed, that she is just ashes now... but I found the sentence, "rose from the ashes," and that first word has two meanings. She may be a burnt flower, but like Julie, she is also a phoenix. She is still alive, even with what she holds! She is still alive and trying to heal and she hasn't given up, even though Wreckage is scared for her and we thought she would commit suicide so many times. But she is still here and she is being so strong. Whatever her name is, it will carry that strength of hers.


I am so, so tired. Sorry! I'm never quite sure how to type or what to say. Words don't work as well as images and emotions.
However three words now will work: "I need sleep."
See you tomorrow, whatever happens then!

 

All right, I haven't been on here in a long time and I think I need to be. Even if it's shoddy and ridiculous and silly, even if it's garbage and stream-of-consciousness junk. Maybe I just need to get it out, maybe I just need to let go and be open, as I can only ever be on here, or whenever I'm totally acknowledging of headspace. Isn't that funny? The single thing that causes me the most pain, even secondhandedly, is also the biggest source of self-healing I have.
Let's start there actually. Backtrack a bit, sure-- there's a lot that leads up to it-- but that's the point I want to ultimately make.
Biggest point here: headspace, aka the "Lightraye System," or the Lotus Cathedral innerworld... has proven to be a bigger force of personal health for me than Dream World has been. It hurts, horribly, to admit that, like losing half my ribcage, but it's true.
As for how I realized that, it's taken years. But lately I've been doing massive amounts of research and worldbuilding for DW, and despite the immense joy it's given me (as it always does), I was shocked to realize that, even if I DID learn the same lessons I did from the System, in DW they were totally secondhand. And it's easy, to see victories for peace and joy and hope and love, from an observer perspective, and accept them totally. I always did. That's why I adore that world so much; it is the total manifestation of every dream come true for me. But I've always been separate from it. And that's the missing link that the System had. They held it tragically, almost too late, and covered in blood, but there it was, a treasure in their victorious broken hands nevertheless.

 

This entry is going to jump around a lot. There's so much I want to say and don't know how. I'll just type as it hits.

Lately I've been trying to open commissions. Problem is, I'm scared. I don't talk about art a lot, but... well, maybe tonight I need to.
... I only ever wanted to draw in order to see the faces of the people I loved on paper, somewhere outside of my own head. It was never an "artist" thing. As a kid, if you liked dinosaurs, immediately you decided you wanted to be a paleontologist when you grew up. If your dad was a fireman and you admired him, well then you wanted to be a fireman too. Things like that. So, since the people I loved and admired and who gave color and light to my life were only knowable to others through artwork, artwork that only I was cursed and blessed to be able to create... well, because of that, I wanted to be an artist when I grew up. I'll never forget when, during high school art class, I suddenly learned that being an artist meant I had to draw what other people told me to. I'd have to draw business things, I couldn't just draw Jewel Monsters all the time. And the instant I heard that-- I was, what, 15?-- the instant I heard that being an artist was about creating art in all contexts and situation, NOT simply translating my own inner images to outer ones... I didn't want to be an artist anymore. I didn't. But I had no other options.
So I stuck it out, and you all know of the troubles that college brought to us in that respect. The sudden and unannounced introduction of figure drawing dragged all our traumatized demons out into the open before we were ready for them, and that sacrilegious imposition of abuse and fear into the world of art, the world of wonder and innocence and freedom from pain, broke something in me quite badly.
But I didn't quit drawing. I couldn't. I couldn't ever. There were beautiful things in my head and heart, beautiful people, and I just loved them too much not to devote my entire life to trying to get them more love than only I could give. I wanted other people to see and know and love them too. It's all I've ever wanted out of life. It's the only thing I need in life in order to die happy, so to speak. I've made the effort, I've made a start, this is true... but I've been scared.
College, high school, whatever happened there, it turned art into a performance. It turned it into a game, an act, a structured activity, something you did "by the rules" and "according to expectations" in order to get the right grade, or response, or the like. And it hurt. It sucked all the joy out of art for me, for years. I'm sorry for that. Even opening a sketchbook now makes me so miserable and anxious I want to vomit. I actually have panic attacks when I try to draw now, I can't shake that feeling of "you're being judged, it's not right!" even after years of trying to distance from myself from it totally. Problem is I internalized it. I've become a perfectionist. I want total photorealistic honesty on paper, nothing less, and that's impossible, especially with the reality splits. It's also completely unnecessary. I know that. And yet I hold myself to that standard, and I break my heart when I cannot even try, because I am so scared of lying with my pencil.
It's why I'll sacrifice food money for commissions, whenever I can safely do so. I... I did that this month, actually. Saved up $40 and handed it over before I could chicken out, because when it came down to it, I loved those whose faces were finally going to show more than I loved anything else in the world. I could survive on what food I was given at home, that wasn't impossible. But I owed something more than lip service to the people inside. And I wanted to see them. More than anything else, I want to see them too.
And I do. I do, and the only thing that could possibly make me happier is being there, with them.
On my good days, the gratitude that I feel when I realize I can be is enough to turn my heart into a supernova.


About the bad days though.
I've literally been living off of pocket change and handouts for months now. But, circumstances are changing, and those sources are running dry. I cannot live as a scavenger forever; it's not ethical, it's not healthy, it's not sustainable, not when the people whose crumbs you're living on are scraping up those crumbs themselves.
And yet my psychologist and counselor still say I am not in any sort of mental condition to hold a job. I know it, too, because I have TRIED several times since I had to leave my last one in 2011, and they all fell through. I collapse. It makes me loathe myself most days, for being so "weak," so "fragile," for being a "disgrace" and a "waste of space" and that whole list of awful but too-believable lies. And yet, it doesn't seem to change. If anything, I've gotten worse in that respect, despite my healing. We work deep, now. I still get broadsided if we're not careful. I still have nightmares about things I cannot find the nerve to discuss in therapy yet. I still find myself milliseconds away from calling the hospital for another 201, or from deciding "to hell with that" and grabbing an x-acto knife instead. Most of the time, I don't realize those things are happening until afterwards. I still find myself not knowing where I am or why I'm there or what's been going on for the past several hours. I still find myself having meltdowns in this bloody bedroom because I STILL have to watch out for hacks, every morning, every afternoon, every night. I can't bathe, can't be in a room alone, can't sing, can't hear my given name, without massive harmful dissociation. I went to my trans* group meeting last week, someone said I came across as "hypervigilant," everyone else nodded as if they had been wanting to say the same. I laughed, in disbelief, because that's still happening? And it's something others can see? Then ten minutes later, someone made an offhand joke about sex and I found my vision blurring out, found time starting to slide away, realized my entire body had frozen up solid. I didn't react, I just automatically shut off. And I realized that this is why I can't hold a job. This is why we're struggling to pay bills and buy food. Because for some godforsaken reason we're still in pain. Our psyche is still a mosaic of bruises and scars and tears. And until that does heal completely, we're going to need help to get through this, whether I like it or not.
But I am so ashamed of surviving on people's goodwill that I am mortified to ask for donations, or open commissions, because the very act of my getting money feels like stealing. I am sick of taking from people, even if they give of their own volition, I still consider it thievery because I don't feel I'm giving anything back.
I think it's because I'm so completely emptied out at this point. I can't quite give back if I don't quite have the spoons or the strength to give to myself most days. Heck, cleaning up this body and eating are tough enough. And I loathe saying that, but it's true. Again, to give one of the most frequent examples, I can't go into bathrooms for longer than two minutes tops, or the hack threats resume, or the angry voices start, or I get awful panic attacks. And since the kitchen is the only remaining 'safe space' in the house at this point, I end up in there far too often, surrounded by things that make me ill, by noise, by the guarantee of dissociation. If Genesis isn't around I'll probably end up in a disaster scene within ten minutes, so to speak. It takes me 3 or more hours to eat my one meal, every single day, because it is so, so difficult to stay conscious in the process. If Emmett doesn't take charge, or if Spice isn't barking orders, then the problem might be compounded by the 7+ hours of gut-wrenching pain that we've unfortunately become so used to enduring afterwards. And we can no longer resort to the old bulimia cure, because now that is causing horrible pain, to the point where I literally cannot sleep. Yes, that's why we've been awake until 4AM lately. That and the nightmares. The pain follows me into my dreams you know, and then there's a whole other sort of pain I need to pray for deliverance from.
Really, I've been physically sick, for a while. I'm so lucky that my grandparents pay me back for my support and errands by buying me vegetables to eat, but that doesn't guarantee that I'll always have food around. I haven't had much lately, especially not with the eating disorder resurgence, so I've been living off foods that make me ill. Quite ill, actually, to the point where I can't sleep from the pain and nausea. And it's dumb, because I know I'll get sick, but the stress and the anxiety are making me not care until the consequences hit and then I just 'numb out' and wait until morning. Plus in that state of mind I think, "I don't deserve to eat healthy things, I need to eat the unhealthy things so no one else suffers instead." So I won't take care of myself on purpose, in the weird conviction that "someone else will benefit." But they don't. No one benefits from this pain. Even worse, this commission planning thing has made it spike; the anxiety and depression are the worst they've been in months. What do I do.
I want it to stop. I really do. I'm sick of this.

In any case, I want to get a job just so I can have some income to pay people back, and so I can buy my own safe food and stop stealing my family's. They deserve so much good for what they've done for me. I owe them so much already. I just... don't know what to do. Can't hold a retail or grocery job at this point, can't seem to get enough guts to draw. I cannot tell you how many horrible times I've considered more morally decrepit options for obtaining money. It's never been serious though; thank God. It just goes against my nature... and even if that became too numb to care, Infinitii and Laurie and Genesis and Xenophon are the loudest protestors whenever I end up in a bad place. They'll bodily drag me out of there if they have to. They've done it before. God knows I need them to not give up on me now.

And yet, do you notice? I talk about this nonsense and don't do much about it. I'm miserable, I don't want to be miserable, and yet I am STILL standing at that inexplicable bridge, the one that reaches into health and happiness, refusing to cross. Why? Because I'm scared. I'm scared that when I finally set foot in those blessed flowering pastures, they will catch fire, and burn to ash at my feet.
I'm terrified, utterly terrified, that I am incapable of holding health and abundance and good fortune without turning it into malice.
It's stupid. It really is. But it's an old, tangled, frightening problem, and it is inextricably linked to this D.I.D. problem. Hence my utterly ignoring headspace again lately, no matter how utterly detrimental that is.


This entry is shaping up to be longer than I have time for. I'm very tired and I can't think anymore.
I have a meeting with my counselor tomorrow that will hopefully end in our scheduling a medical appointment of some sort for me. I've been pushing this stuff under the rug for too long and it needs to be taken care of.

Sorry for the depression word vomit. Maybe I'll delete this later, maybe I won't. I haven't hidden or deleted anything in a very long time. It's a nice feeling actually, to be so honest and open, on here at least. It doesn't hurt.

There's still a lot of very nice things to hope for and look forward too. I'll be sure to share those with you too.
Remind me to type about happy things tomorrow, and headspace, preferably both. Therapy is on Thursday (we didn't have any yesterday, last Thursday we discussed my huge memory gaps and tendency to forget very easily) and I want to make sure we're actually in sync with ourself for it this time, without some sort of trauma preceding it.

Have a lovely night, everyone. I will too, one way or another.

Energy for headspace people!
Sight: What their energy field looks like, literally. (OR: a "realm-like" manifestation of their energy??)
Sound: New perception. Difficult to pick up on; indirect.
Smell: The 'vibe' of their energy; most easily perceived.
Touch: The actual physical 'feel' of their energy-- like touching their 'aura.'
Taste: New perception. Difficult to pick up on; indirect.
Vibe: The overall perceived effect their energy on their personal presence, especially in charged situations.


(UNFINISHED. Will add as I get information.)


SPINE HYPOMONE
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Cool stone, a hint of cocoa or something?
Touch: Dry, but smooth; reassuringly solid yet not heavy. Like a bone.
Taste:
Vibe:

AIMEE
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Like something baking in an oven? Not bread! Comforting,
Touch: Soft but "primal?" Like minky or even chamois, but with a subtle gamey sort of heat to it.
Taste:
Vibe:

SPICE
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Strong cinnamon, nutmeg, maybe clove? Very warm yet grounded, no 'pinch.'
Touch: Surprisingly sparked? Like little sharp pricks of heat?
Taste: Think pie spices, then crank it up to eleven. Warm and autumny, but hits like a punch to the mouth!
Vibe:

OVERLOAD
Sight:
Sound:
Smell:
Touch: Incredibly volatile base, like if you push a tiny bit too hard it will explode terribly.
Taste:
Vibe:

BRAXTON
Sight:
Sound:
Smell:
Touch: A small soft edge, but with a huge power underneath it.
Taste:
Vibe:


JAVIER ANASTASI
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Cloves?
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:


PREVIOUS J (SPLINTERED INTO EROS)
Sight: Deep red-velvet waves; flows like heavy satin. Has an 'unseen' glow like an ivory candle. 'Sparkly' thin edge, like a glitter-glass ornament
Sound: Subsonic: a soundless hum that resonates in the chest; almost rhythmic, like heart energy, but unbroken. Has an oddly Nier-like, rich symphonic feel despite this.
Smell: Like fire,
Touch: Intimately warm, has a sort of gentle 'pull' to it
Taste: Rich like warm raspberry sauce, but with a dense 'sorbet' texture? Non-sugary sweetness.
Vibe: Emotionally close, compassionate, soft. Limitless but not oppressive. Powerfully protective yet tranquil; like being embraced by a winter fireplace. Sunlit stained-glass.

RAZOR
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Blood and paper, very specific
Touch: Like the sharp, slick edge of a blade: on the boundary between safe/smooth, and slicing your hand open. Gives you chills.
Taste: Like a wound? Hot with an edge of blood but that's not prevalent. Oddly sweet, but the sensation is unsettling.
Vibe: Oddly neutral, but with a nervous undertone on 'standby.'


LYNNE STABELLE
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Violin rosin and burnished wood, like the inside of a violin
Touch: Heavy satin? Warm, but in a 'glowing' sense. Like a roll of it too?
Taste:
Vibe:

KALISHA
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Peach brandy?? Light scent but still notable.
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

HYAKINTH
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Creamsicle and some sort of strong white flower?
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

FIG
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Honey! Very heady, heavy sweet.
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

ALGORITH
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Not much, mostly the 'flatness' of technology. Subtle scent of live machinery, like a hot computer tower.
Touch:
Taste: Warm metal with a vague aura of persimmon or something??
Vibe:

JOSEPHINA BELLAMEIRE
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Bubblegum and brandy? Can't quite pick it up yet.
Touch:
Taste: Cane sugar with a bunch of either lemon (flavor, not citrus) or ginger? Cookie-sweet, but with a bright heat to it.
Vibe: City night-life lights, but unfocused;

SIMEON
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Something like custard or banana cream, but with nowhere near as much sugar?
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:


MAVERICK
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Vague edge of cigarette smoke in fabric, NOT like my dad though. Think straight-up smoke.
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

MARIGOLD
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Ragweed and marigold flowers, varies depending on mood?
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

KARISSA
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Citrus? Like restaurant lemon???
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe: Sharp? Clean and small but cuttingly so.

NATHANIEL VICTOIRE
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Mint (quiet, sweet, no bite) and forest shade. Slight fabric-esque hint?
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

SERGEI
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Subtle sage smoke, undertone of something papery like thin tree bark
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

MINTY
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Mint tea and clothesline-aired plushie fluff. Happy and calming.
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

EINSATZ
Sight:
Sound:
Smell:
Touch: Slight static pop?
Taste:
Vibe:

EMMETT
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Like a salad???? You silly snake.
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

TOBIKO
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Like seawater, either bad (brackish, slimy) or good (like a beach, salty with algae) depending on status
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

GARRISON
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Like a business suit or chair. Dude get some variety in there
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

KYANOS
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Like clear cool sky, with a little tint of honey. Very light.
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

WALDORF KALLIOPE
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Oddly plastic or vinyl-like, but with some sort of happy heady blueberry-juice undertone?? Very 'subtle' despite its strength.
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe: I'm getting an impression of a tangled knot of christmas lights, but immersed in jello or something. really odd.


MISSY
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Face powder, chokingly so, and lip gloss (strawberry? very artificial, generically 'sweet')
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

GENT
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Like a scarf? Odd to explain.
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

NIENNA
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Like a jewelry box?? Not dusty, more like curtain fabric and silver?
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

LEON KIASI
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Ice, with a vanilla undertone? Hard to get.
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe: A nervous charge?

DAVID
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Like a kid's air-dried blanket, but also softly sweet? Not a bad smell at all, it's highly comforting.
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

"AIRPORT"
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Like an airport. Dead serious.
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

LAURIE UBERICH
Sight: CHANGED: It's still halo-like, but its this intense condensed light, gold-white? Around her body I keep getting a feeling of flower petals or rose vines? not sure.
(Metallic? Broken into pieces somehow? Somewhat "radial," like a halo)
Sound:
(Somewhat dissonant, like angry church bells. Feels purposeful but pained.)
Smell:
(Blood, cold steel. Something in the background like antiseptic or a thunderstorm?)
Touch:
Sharp static "bite" at first, like barbed wire, but beneath is a solid, deep, "safe" feeling mass of energy? feels huge but reactive, like if you push too hard it'll detonate
Taste: Blood, but
(Blood again, very strong.)
Vibe:
(Overwhelmingly magnetic: black hole-grade intensity. Space 'compresses' to a dense space around her.)


CHRISTINA MARIE
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Like Sunday church in spring: daffodil-daisy flower bouquets and an afterthought of incense?
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

ISADORA
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Grapevines?
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

JULIE ENANTIOS
Sight: A layered pinkish-warm glow? Like a light orb shining through blankets. Moves languidly but not lazily. Egg-shaped?
Sound:
Smell: Roses, like the kind in the wild-- not heady at all, but sunlit and flowery light soft. Lovely really.
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

SUGAR
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Something that pricks at your nose, like ice needles. Underneath, a light sweetness like
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

ASHEN
Sight:
Sound:
Smell:
Touch: Soft but terribly worn and thin, like old velvet curtains or something? Has a sense of pity but lingering loveliness to it.
Taste:
Vibe:

KNIFE
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Woodsmoke, with a deep aura-edge like blackcurrant wine or something
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

MULBERRY DELTA BRANDY
Sight:
Sound:
Smell:
Touch:
Taste: Mulberries: not overpoweringly sweet, and rather dry in a vaguely 'crisp' way
Vibe:

JEREMIAH
Sight:
Sound:
Smell:
Touch: Very soft and embracing, but closely small in the way a warm sweater is.
Taste:
Vibe:

EROS
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Cherry pie filling, not artificial. Very rich, not sugary sweet.
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

SHERLOCK
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Like a library? Old slightly dusky paper, but with no musty or sweet tone. Also a clean cool metallic edge, but without any coppery 'bite.'
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

JAY IRIDOS
Sight: Vertically limitless? Like the "heaven" in Oneircia. All white and warmly bright, vaguely gold, lit with some gorgeously loving light from above, but not blinding at all. Oddly non-spacial? Despite looking solid it feels like nothing is really there, but the light. Sparkly and quietly iridescent; everything glitters.
Sound:
Smell: Snowy,
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

XENOPHON LEPHISE
Sight: Thick and violet-pink, wavy. Inner light, held within like a neon sign, but 'radiant' in the way heat radiates.
Sound: Like a wind chime or glockenspiel
Smell: Warm, slightly humid night air, with a light and delicate sweetness-- like blackberries or bluet flowers?
Touch: Dense but glowing, warm, gives like heavy water? 'Champagne bubbles' under the surface.
Taste: Blackberries, ice water, japanese ginger? Natural cool sweetness with an almost herbal edge?
Vibe: 'Summer night' humidity, but sparkling, like the stars are pure violet glitter; understated jubilant energy. Not overpowering-- more like thick sunlit crystal

MARKUS BARASHIR
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Dry heat, mocha, ice cubes.
Touch:
Taste: Sand?
Vibe:

RYMAN SAIKARAS
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Marshmallows and dark purple candle fire.
Touch:
Taste: Vanilla?
Vibe:

CHAOS ZERO
Sight: Like the underside of an ocean; glossy, brilliant blue and backlit? Translucent.
Sound: Dare-Gale; emotions played underwater. Highly resonant, like piano keys being dropped into liquid crystal. Echoing, heart-wrenchingly sincere.
Smell: Summer rain, ocean fog. Watery, but not cold or humid.
Touch: Misty, with a bright early-morning 'chill.' Heavy but weightless.
Taste: River water and diamonds
Vibe: Oceanic, flowing, all-encompassing; gentle and 'classy' but powerful. Incredibly deep but not suffocating. Surrounds him like a quiet galaxy. 'Neon glimmer' edge.

CELEBI
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Woodsy, but with a clean edge like fresh cut wet grass?
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

GENESIS APOLYMIS
Sight: 'Thin gold streamers,' moving upwards. Bokeh-like underglow.
Sound: Resonant, warm and deliberate like a golden bell.
Smell: Burnt sugar and ozone? Like butterscotch syrup over an open flame. Rich but not heady.
Touch: Charged like static, but 'sustained' like a plasma globe.
Taste: Warm cotton candy with a strong ginger-like kick? Has a caramelized but clean tint to it.
Vibe: Sharp, almost buzzing, but bright and optimistic.

INFINITII ETERNOS
Sight: A sort of vast shadowy expanse, infinite and star-specked, but with a brilliant light at its heart. The shadows are wispy and soft like clouds, and flow gently around the light. There is a sense of great space and yet incredible closeness; the light is warm and loving like a heart, but although the shadows are colder and thin, giving a feeling of endless vastness, their constant movement around that light keeps the love within them.
Sound: (like "lux aeterna?" choral? sustained, hugely echoic. numinous)
Smell: Cold night air, with a hint of mountain laurel (flowers and incense??)
Touch:
Taste: rich mouthfeel; taste is enigmatic.
Vibe: Like velvet or a silken shadow; limitless but soft and intimate. Embracing. VERY deep; you fall into hir really.

CHOCOLOCO
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Dark chocolate, cacao nibs, dark coffee. Mostly rich and bitter, just a hint of dark sweetness to it.
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

 

 

 

Well, I guess now is as good a time as ever to update.
I'm listening to some binaural beats right now to calm me down; the body's been unsettlingly off-kilter for the past week or two and already I'm feeling massive calmness from this (thanks theta waves, haha). So if I fall asleep while typing this up you will have to forgive me.

Anyway. First things first. I last updated here on the 10th, and I remember little concrete events since then, so let me just do a stream-of-consciousness list for whatever comes to mind.

Last Tuesday, I tried to update here, but failed due to stress overload. All I recorded was, "some thermophobic kid was out today-- TERRIFIED of heat." This is true; for some reason, the temperature was around 60 degrees Fahrenheit that day, and the moment it registered there was a full-out, hysteric panic attack.
When we got home the fear subsided entirely, which was bizarre. Also odd was the fact that, at that same time, I realized that I have no memories of what summer is like. None! I have the vague factual awareness that the trees and grass will get green and dark and the birds will be singing and flowers will be blooming, and it will be warm. But that's literally a snapshot data piece. All the "summer memories" of the past are rather buried, and feel negative. That's probably where this scared kid gets it. But that's new, and weird, because I literally have never seen summer and so I'm curious. Jewel says it's great, so I trust her. She loves summer, I love winter. It works out!
Also on Tuesday, there was an important note saying there was an overpowering feeling of sorrow, and being furiously frustrated over feeling "unable to express it," effectively driving that person to tears from the lack of catharsis. "That person" feels like Overload, and probably was (she deals with those sorts of sensations). Regardless that feeling has persisted on and off until today, and we're all working together sincerely to try and heal that, as it is obviously the main thing making us sick! Everything has internal roots so we are in the ideal position to fix those things, haha.

Last Thursday was Xenophon's 3rd birthday! Unfortunately my memory is shot so I remember little of it, but I can tell you this-- we made her extremely purple kale soup (purple kale, purple carrots, purple shallots, also tons of parsley) as it's her favorite food, she followed me around driving for the day, and I know we did something else but it's escaping me right now. Nevertheless I've been spending time with her whenever she wishes to, and when I'm mentally able.

On that note, we've taken to doing our nightly indoor walks again, with the old iPod on, as they are perfect for everyone just getting together and talking, or simply meditating when headspace isn't busy, or not accessible. They help a lot in terms of stability, too, as they're our only real "safe quiet time" during the day. However I mention them here because there are small but notable connections and interactions within the System every night we are tuned into those walks, so even if I can't "summarize" them here I can say with certainty that those little honest times are helping foster more community between us all. I think this sort of thing started in December, notably with this lovely night, and that was so significant to us all that we try to have similar times whenever possible now. In short the little things matter most.

I took out His Dark Materials from the library on Tuesday, so I will likely spend tomorrow writing down all the bookmarked passages I have for it, and then constructing a relevant entry around those IF needed. You know how quickly things change up here; what is still applicable will be discussed, what is not will not be. Nevertheless the experiences of reading the book need to be written down so an entry will happen either way.

I am currently playing this song on loop with the pitch dropped by 5 semitones, and it is great. I'm currently going through my mother's entire music library (so many CDs) and I stumbled across that one, so there you go. We're saving up for a new iPod as Razia is pretty shot at this point, but he still plays music! He's survived so much since 2010 (cross-country trips, being lost outside for several months, etc.) that I honestly have to applaud his hardiness. He's a tough little thing.

That creepy "clawteeth" voice from the 4th found her name: it's Wreckage. When feeling for it I kept getting the impression of "shambles," "ruins," etc. as well as a visual of destroyed buildings and scattered bones, but no letters. Then a day or two later I hit on the letter "w" which was weird as the sound I was getting was "r," like in the word "wrath" or "wreak." So I was fumbling about those two words until she essentially walked up to me during one of those times and said her name was Wreckage. Her color is also confirmed gold.
She reminds me vaguely of Spine in that she's powerful and gangly-thin, with an elongated head, but that's about it? Really she looks like she stepped out of the OFF game. I can't quite see her eyes yet, but she has this huge thin clawed fingers, as well as a mouth full of thin, sharp protruding teeth (hence her initial 'nickname'). She doesn't have a tail and I can't tell if she has horns on her head or not; there's something in the back I think but again, she's vague. She has thin sand-colored skin that looks like bleached leather stretched thin over her skeleton, hard to explain... she's wiry but it's like a compressed spring in that sense. She's all taut muscles and tightly bound power, wrapped around a skeletal frame. But, despite looking like she crawled out of a nightmare, she is a very benevolently-motivated individual (obviously as she's a Retributor). She's just like Laurie was at first: "I have an important job to do, and if you hinder me, I will show you no mercy."

Sylvain's brother is named Simeon. He's the little vanilla-colored boy that updates online whenever there's bad fronting fallout and we need someone to hold things together while we recuperate. That name had strong attachments to the color ages ago, and he said it fit when I asked him earlier this week. He's nowhere near as depressive as his brother could get, but no one yet understands the relationship between them both. Were they two halves of one entity? Did Sylvain "reset" after the massacre, or did his identity start "shifting" after the unwritten events of this day (in which he fronted and was terrified, surrounded by negative voices)? What exactly went on there? We have no answers yet but digging for them feels counterproductive, like we're trying too hard. So we'll just let that be for now, and be grateful for this kid in any case; he's a sweetheart.

I also haven't told you guys how flat-out awesome Minty is! She's actually been checking on me every night now for a few weeks now, before I go see my boss and then collapse into my room in headspace. We sleep holding a white Care Bear plush downstairs, since Minty issues plush bears specifically as "messengers" to protect or guard people when she can't-- almost like little fluffy angels. They have no will of their own, existing for that purpose of guarding others, and are effectively minor mental extensions of "the bear" more than anything. He still has no name either, but he's looking for it-- it starts with a "Br" and we think it has two syllables, that's all we can catch right now though. However he qualifies as a Protector, not a Retributor, and Minty is his 'apprentice' in that respect. She's really good at it, which now that I think about it, is likely because she's energetic and small and can run about other levels of headspace, whereas I have never seen The Bear leave the Underground. He sticks to the shadows and catacombs, staying away even from the windows. I don't know why-- he's not scared, he just stays hidden, or feels he has to for some reason? And he doesn't talk to people much, at all; again, he lets Minty pass along the messages. However, lately he has spoken to me here and there, so I got a better look at him than before-- and holy geez he's one creepy dude. I don't know if you remember his debut dream (with Laurie), but apparently yeah, he still has that big gaping maw of teeth split straight across his face, except he also has another one straight down the middle. It is WEIRD. But is is REALLY COOL. So yeah bear-dude has two mouths that intersect at the top like some kinda sandworm and it is boss

Last week we had to pick the mother up from work at 11PM so we were out driving in the dark for about 20 minutes and the "airport guy" came out fronting?? He was TALKING, he knew about the rest of us, he hasn't done that or showed his face since this day which was a very long time ago. But, he did show up in a dream last year, during a time period when we thought he had faded out, and I got this odd impression that his "ghost" (pre-manifested; he still has no face upstairs) was hanging around Sergei and Hyakin a few months ago? Either way I guess his anchor was stronger than we realized-- those memories of the sense of open-air adventure, of the literal airports and planes from 2012, are some of the only concrete first-person memories we have of that entire year. The man's got good roots, I guess he was just suppressed for ages because we haven't had that feeling of total "run out the front door and see what's out there" freedom since 2012. But with all the traveling we've been doing lately for therapy and things, I guess he's getting more energy coming in now, which is great. I tend to forget anchors work that way. Plus I don't like 'losing' people who have strongly stated their existence at least once, either in headspace or in the League, so I was honestly hoping we'd see him again, and that he'd stick around.
Similarly, the GMQ trio is still alive, but they're all slipping badly, and the last time they were out the Queen was missing. Their main concern is, rather tragically, "who are we, really?" What are our anchors? Why do we exist? What is our purpose? You get the idea. But they haven't found answers yet, and it's taking its toll on them. I don't know if I can offer any help as they are technically socials, and therefore do not have faces in headspace (they cannot be talked to unless you're fronting with them, which is very difficult since faceless fronting is head-based). Either way it hurts to see such existential struggle there. I'll keep you posted on that I suppose.

Speaking of therapy, Jewel and Sherlock have been keeping things together. Mostly we've just been data-dumping for the sake of coherence so nothing really 'new' has happened since our last recap. They've been the only two fronters for the most part, with a few tiny exceptions that I'm aware of-- last Tuesday, Wreckage came out for a moment? She was listening soberly and somewhat contritely to the therapist explaining something about retributive behavior-- I have no idea what it was, but regardless, listening to both her and Jewel beforehand had enough of an effect to get Wreckage to apologize to us (for her brutal debut), and start working with us firsthand. Which is incredible really; she's the main chthonic Protector, and is massively powerful. So of course she and Laurie are working together already. We'll talk more about that later.

Thursday-- yesterday-- was one of the most interesting therapy sessions ever. It started with Jewel, then Sherlock came out to talk data, but as he was revisiting old, dangerous thought processes in order to correct them, Laurie decided she needed to talk. I have one split-second data memory of that actually-- when people really want to front, there's this sudden painful tug at the heart center, physically as well as emotionally, and that hurts! It's an empathetic sort of shock that says, "hey, I really need to get out there." So the biggest switches are typically preceded by those. Anyway, then there was Laurie. The therapist caught on that it was her as soon as she spat out the word "bullshit" in response to those thought patterns-- which took a few minutes actually, as Laurie is actively trying to swear less. I don't know what they discussed but I know it had to do with me and I know it was important. But then, JULIE came out! All I know is that Laurie was trying to say when these negative responses had originated, and Julie realized she was the only person at all who could discuss them, so Laurie politely moved aside and let Julie phase in. That's odd to look back on-- I have no firsthand accessible memory of her there, but I can hear the "vibe" of her voice and that's both lovely and sad, to me.
Julie left after about two minutes and then Sherlock was back, somewhat frazzled but smiling, and tried to get a grip on the situation. However I have a very strong, very surreal "memo" sort of data note that INFINITII tried to talk. Just barely. But Sherlock paused and waited, let hir say a sentence or two, then reverently moved back and continued speaking. Again, no idea what ze said, or why, but that is the FIRST TIME ze's come out in a public situation so that's major... which is made even more incredible by the fact that Garrison was the next person to come out. I told you it was an amazing session! All I know about Garrison's fronting is that he sits quite straight, very focused, and his speech pattern is somewhat constricted? Like it feels "rectangular," if that makes sense. Sherlock doesn't; he's too much of a library, so it's broad. Garrison is very precise. Which is super cool. Anyway I know Jewel came out to close the session, being utterly dazed and not even trying to guess what had just happened, but then... Josephina showed up. Yes, he did. I am vaguely embarrassed but laughing at that fact, because Jo's presence is unmistakable, both because of his vocal register and his super-bright demeanor. Again, that's the second time Jo's ever come out in public-- with the first time only being back in January or so (he was out for a round of DDR at the movies, with the brother, which shocked all of us), so that's quite a quick and daring step forward! That really makes me smile to see.
Xenophon accompanied me for the drive home, which took about four hours-- apparently there was a lot of shopping to do and I remember very little of it outside of momentary snapshots. My only clear memory is around 3PM, driving all the way across town to return a store, and listening to my old Orson CD from beginning to end at Xenophon's request (she absolutely adores it). I know fronting was super-blurry because I can't deal with physical 'exuberance' well, which means trying to sing or talk animatedly or otherwise socialize will kick me out and get a Downstairs person in (I'm internally-rooted so that's still quite difficult for me).
In all honesty the rest of Thursday is a total blur, except for the fact that there was a lot of agitated discussion and action concerning the eating disorder voices, not sure how far that went. We're still working to try and manage that, which is getting a little easier now that we know of (hopefully) everyone tied to it, and Emmett is now OFFICIALLY the main eating dude now (he was pushed out for a while and that was catastrophic). Javier also helps a lot, thankfully, as he's one of the only three or so people who can order the Downstairs fronters to do anything he asks, including (most often) stopping an abusive meltdown or programmed behavior on a dime, something we all previously struggled to do even with extensive persuasion. Javier carries a lot of authority, being the Central Red holder, and he knows that so he uses it wisely and well.
In any case that guy feels insanely important, but smothered by some sort of fog. The Red slot has always been vital, and Javier has a ton of potential and ability that we are all very aware of, but he (and Spine!) keep getting overlooked. That is worrisome.
On that note, Javier and Waldorf are now apparently BFFS, they're both working with Spine as well, and I also saw Javier talking to Nathaniel with surprising sincerity yesterday? In any case, the guy is definitely taking direct action to fixing his "left out" problem.
The Spectrum told us, very clearly, that Spine is just as important. She belongs in the Brown Central slot, whether she feels she fits the bill or not. But the more we learn, the more we realize that is very true. All of us are important. We don't give ourselves enough credit.

 

Oh! Thanks to being inspired by those binaural beats, I just stumbled across this article, purely by "coincidence," and it is absolutely full of personal relevance. Definitely going to review that with everyone else; we need to make sure the correct thought processes take root, instead of all the old blackened brittle stuff. Sweep out the cobwebs and put up the crystal really.

The Tar still feels like spiders crawling around inside, sticky melted-tarmac arachnids creeping about. The seaweed-girl says sometimes it feels like they're in the stomach, when she has to purge out really heavy stuff. The chthonic people said "insects are important" and confirmed that there are still big benevolent beetles and things in the basement levels, no one knows exactly why though. Jezebel (personified Tar) is also still around but we don't know where. She was talking to Infinitii the other day and it was really chilling. What I do know is that the Tar itself, in its largest amount, is currently infesting Infinitii (as ze reclaimed its color slot). None of us are too sure what to do about that yet, other than get it out of hir, but it's tricky business.
Similarly, the Plague is stuck in me and it feels like calcification, it's awful. Not crystals, but crystallized buildup of something. Like battery corrosion. Two totally different things. FROST* has a song that reminds me of it, did you know? "Saline," like tears. "Fine chilling mime; and I don't know if I can believe in all the lies; calcify; and I don't know if I can survive the feeling, losing all that's mine." Laurie recited that line to me today when I brought up this point, and it's bizarrely relevant. There's relevance in everything if you look deep enough, and that's the point. The stuff you need always comes to you when you need it, if you're open to it, regardless of context. Reminds me of Dream World, yet again.

Today there was a massive hack. I won't go into details because I promised "Victorian" that I wouldn't (she still doesn't have a name; we're trying to find one but Wreckage says that might be tough as she's very depressed and isn't offering much energy to that purpose). Nevertheless, I think the buildup to it is part of WHY the unknown person from last week was terrified of heat-- this evening was oddly quiet and warm and dark, like the summer, and INSTANTLY the horrible internal swarming horror started.
I've never quite explained what hack threats feel like... it's not angry voices, it's more like syrupy-dark insidious twining, as if the shadows are suddenly wrapping around your legs and stomach all humid and constricting, like heated snakes. But it just creeps. And it's scary, because I try to run or otherwise override that sudden flooding of dark around my feet, but the instant fear causes me to badly dissociate. That's the REAL threat of hacks. The inescapable feeling that "the basement is flooding and the water is rising," but the water is like molasses watered down with blood and it's hot and soporific, so by the time it reaches your neck your panic instinct has already kicked up to twelve and your mind is shutting down. You know what that's like? The initial panic, "oh no I know what this is trying to build up to," and the feeling of kicking through the water with electrified nerve, all thin and jangling and shallow breathing, can last for hours. But it dulls out terribly fast. The thick dark keeps rising, but that sugar-melt warmth isn't just toxic anesthesia, it also feels too much like long-ago horrors and so the panic turns flat. "I don't want to feel this again." You can't run, it won't go away, you've been trying for hours or days or years and it's still creeping. "If this persists I am going to lose my mind, it's too terrifying." So things shut down. And then they appear. All the girls, all the women, smiling and touching and perfumed liar smiles, heavy with soft fatal coffin weight. While you are so far out of your own body that you can't fight, you can't remember how to fight or run anymore, all you remember are locked doors and humid rooms and dark windows and being pinned underneath blankets trying to breathe and failing. So you stop trying so you don't suffocate. And then nothing. And then suddenly someone is pulling you out of the flood (which has been over your head for so long that you thought the thick choking was your new air), and your whole body is in horrible wrenching pain, shaking and sick and shattered like splintered bones painted in bruises, your stomach feels like its full of broken mangled machinery and the bloodied oil is leaking everywhere. All you want to do is cry like a child but you are so dead tired you would rather sleep forever first. That's what a hack feels like lately.
I apologize. That just happened. I guess it was needed to be written.
So. Celebi was actually responsible. NOT our Cel-- who is tied to the 2001 consciousness-- this girl was the video-game one, who has a totally different attitude. I knew something was wrong the second she showed up; she's always had this really "wrong" vibe about her and she feels like total danger but I just dimly played along? Like an automaton. Everything looking back is in third person. Why? I was in the attic for some reason. Ventrium was there. His vibe clashed with the whole thing. Celebi kept goading him to do what she wanted, eventually he let her take charge. I kept trying to just walk out, walk away, I felt upset and unsafe, I kept dissociating and she kept shouting at me not to. I didn't want to be there at all, I felt sour-sick and scared and I wanted to leave, but she persisted. The next thing I knew I was in my room and I was ACUTELY aware that someone else was in the body, instead of me, but upstairs INFI was talking to Celebi?? Although they were using totally different language vibes and Infi wasn't getting involved at all. However ze did nothing to stop her, and I have no idea what they were talking about or why. However the shock of seeing hir there when I was in such pain, with hir not even paying attention to me or offering to help, basically not even seeming to realize or care that I was in great danger... that was it. My brain just blanked out. It was the point of feeling so numbly hopeless that it just turned off rather than deal with whatever was next.
Then suddenly there is a massive time loss, and the next thing I know, Wreckage is sitting at my computer for a moment and scowling furiously, then we're outside and she's throwing something into the woods behind the house, then I'm standing in the middle of the muddy lawn in a bathrobe and slippers feeling cold and not-awake, like everything is unreal. I didn't know where I was or who I was or what I was doing really. I felt small and lost and surreal but I felt the earth alive under my feet for a second and that made me feel safer, like there was something greater and kind and alive supporting beneath me even now. Then I'm walking into the kitchen and Laurie is there and I'm sad and asking her never to leave, never ever, please stick around you're the only safe person left. I remember she said she would.
Wreckage and Laurie talked a lot then, as I sat on the floor in the corner, feeling about seven years old. They were discussing their roles as protectors and retributors, saying that this could not go on any longer, at any cost. Mostly they were baffled, furious, and deeply shaken that there had been "no alarms" for that, it was because the numb state had said "everything is okay" in the way a drowning man says it when he already knows he's going to die. Laurie was really heartbroken but so was Wreckage, they were both in tears at one point.
I know later the Victorian-pink girl wandered in, just sat there across from me, didn't say much. I was trying to cook things but realized I wasn't hungry, I was caught between wanting to "bury the sick pain" and "eat something good to cancel it out"; I felt like throwing up but was too tired and sad and sick. Spice showed up when she realized there was a risk, so she joined the discussion. Then we got Emmett and Aimee in to finally eat, keeping things safe, and Spice was very friendly with them which was great (also you can always tell when Emmett is eating because he thinks the body has a big snakey head like his, but it doesn't, so watching him bite stuff is always funny). Then Javier was actually in at the end to talk to us, which started off uneasily-- I think there were some ED-related programs running and he showed up to stop them, but when he heard there had been a hack, he immediately got out his trident and asked who was the culprit. I remember that because Laurie said "no killing anyone," not even the lethal people, because of how Julie had turned out. Laurie considers Julie one of her best friends at this point, so if she of all people could turn from our biggest nemesis into one of our dearest members, Laurie didn't want to steal that chance of redemption away from anyone else. Javier seemed a little moody but agreed, while Wreckage seemed contemplative again. She's got a surprising capacity for empathy (like Knife), so that's part of it, but then she said Laurie was right-- because everyone deserved a chance at health and happiness, which were the two things all the chthonic voices dreamed of and pursued, yet who were born from the exact opposite of it. So she understood in a rather personal way, why everyone should have that opportunity IF they don't abuse it. She is not going to back down from her retributor job anytime soon, thank God, because most of the others did thanks to how brutally externalized it got (with the bloodletting) and the painful consequences of that (Algorith said flat-out it was unfair as hell that the Retributors had to take the pain that was meant to atone for what someone else did). And of course no one knows what to do with Infi, who is this half-holy half-horrible entity in the System, someone we all love and fear both, the center of this struggle right along with me. So it's confusing and scary and we all feel rather lost about it most days. But I think we're all back in the game now. It's a real light of hope for all of us.
Really it was so nice, though, when all was said and done, that a tragic incident at least allowed such discussion to take place. It took about two hours and thanks to massive dissociation I didn't have much fallout, but it'll likely leave scars. I don't know. It's a mess.
...Also, just remembered, Infi and I actually touched on that whole "dissociate when hacks threaten" thing back in October. "Infinitii said that's apparently a White energy thing, that "blankness," and since he's Black energy, he cannot do that. On the contrary, his "hopeless escape method" is to submit, not to run like I do. Whereas I shut down and check out, like an empty stark whiteness, Infi gives up and gives in, like drowning in heavy blackness. You get the idea. But my heart broke, looking at him when he said that, because we're essentially doing the same thing in different ways... abandoning our safety for self-preservation, not fighting back, just trying to cope with the terror and get out alive, even if it means living like dead men." That's even more heartbreaking now than it was then.

Speaking of that mess.
Much earlier today, I saw Amara talking to CZ upstairs. It came out of nowhere, I have no idea why, but there he was. Weirdly I couldn't "see" him clearly at all, and it didn't hit me until then that that's become normal for him. Other than those sudden lucid flashes late at night, I honestly cannot remember the last time I ever was able to see him clearly on a daily basis. I'm not sure if I ever have. And... how do I put this. Apparently that runs deeper than we thought, but just as deeply as I worriedly suspected. Because, Amara was talking to him and then realized she couldn't give the sort of help she felt he needed (which was specifically "more force" in delivering her points, something Laurie is the king of), so she asked the Archivists if they could assist her. Well lo and behold, Isadora actually stepped down, and started talking to him, again I don't remember about what... but then her two friends joined her. So now Garrison, Isadora, and Kalisha were all trying to talk to CZ, checking notes and writing things down the whole time, trying to get a group on the situation... and suddenly they confirmed my suspicious.
Chaos is split. All the Outspacers are split.
Do you remember this entry, where Markus first clarified to us that Outspacers had non-System origins BUT were able to enter our community through making a choice to "start again?" To quote, "they chose to take a very deep and important piece of themselves, and let that piece of them live here, within the system, with new names and lives after all." Originally I thought that just meant they "dreamed of a new life" and were able to live it here... but I was so used to my own situation that I didn't realize that "new lives" seems to require "new selves" as well.
Things don't follow old "canons" up here because those don't apply at all anymore. They NEVER DID. Geez, when these people entered our inner world in 2002 Jewel had almost no awareness of their native worlds, allowing them to literally build an entirely new history and life from that blank slate of her mind. They weren't SUPPOSED to be tied to their old canons, that was the WHOLE POINT.
Nevertheless, every single one of them already had the beginnings of that personality-split before they joined us up here.
Ryman and Markus both had "Yamis" that acted independently of them, and Markus's was canonically part of him already.
Genesis had a notable "personality break" with his shattered gem, effectively 'restarting' who he was.
Celebi had the whole 4th-movie corruption event, and then the 'many timeline selves' that followed.
Mr. Sandman is a reality-jumper and living multiple lives is part of his job.
Xennie is the only exception because she was born in headspace and therefore doesn't quite count as an 'outspacer' in the strict sense.
Either way this is mostly conjecture and it's hard to put into words but I can feel legitimacy to it, it makes SO much sense, I mean even Grievous and Davy had this same freaking issue of "divided selves," in small or large ways, EVERY single person who ever even had the potential to become an Outspacer had this. We all have our own 'split personality' issues, if you'll forgive the language, no surprise there.
So as it stands, it looks like that's the "real" hidden factor allowing people to enter here-- to reiterate, yes they need the ability to "dream a new life," but in order to do THAT, they need to also be able to "dream a new SELF" to an extent.
As for how that affects CZ? Well, most obviously-- you guys know about Perfect, right? But do you realize what his existence implies? And do remember what Perfect used to be like upstairs? I know I didn't until I was forced to backtrack this morning and then it was downright shocking. Ironic, too, when the long-string symbolism and relevance hits. I really do need to type up an entire entry about that ONCE I get a better grip on this... all I can tell you for sure right now is that there is massive dissonance between CZ's two 'selves,' on all levels, that needs to somehow be harmonized.
I think CZ started to "split" but never really reconciled it, if that makes any sense. He's still, simultaneously, the headspace-rooted him and the StH-rooted him, the former being far more volatile and the latter being far more tranquil. Perfect is tied inherently to the former. However they're both entirely him, and they're both at war. This all sounds like a jumble of words and I apologize; I just keep thinking of that Kim Jensen song and the old Jewel keeps trying to talk through me, but she's nothing but a lingering core-aura now and I don't want to be talking like her just because I feel "obligated to" on this topic. Then again I personally don't have much experience with it. So it feels like a mess, which I'm sorry for, but which is fitting because this topic is a mess right now.
Anyway, I cannot say much else for sure at the moment (battery is dying anyway).
...However. The other night, CZ actually told me that he's "been a stormy sea" for far too long, and that "wasn't the real him." For as long as I've known him, I've known that his deepest energy is actually peaceful and calm, not the raging sort of tidal-wave vibe that he's been emitting for quite some time now. He's apparently been struggling with that himself. It's just that no one could figure out why, or even guess, until now. I suppose that has to do with us losing most access to the past-- stuff doesn't get in the accessible archives unless a core puts it there, and I haven't looked at that stuff in years. I'm going to have to do that now, I suppose, as much as I feel I need to.
So it seems that CZ's real issue in not being able to find stability lately isn't just that he never "dreamed a new self" separate from his root canon, someone that could exist as part of headspace... it's also because he can't get his two inner "selves" to cooperate whatsoever, and there is an actual mental break between them. There has been for at least SIX YEARS and we completely took it for granted after so long.
I don't know. I'm thinking out loud. Forgive the dramatic mess of that paragraph, it's dipping into ancient pre-Spectrum mindstates and I'm going to need to look at all this again later when I'm not rushed for time and content.
My heart is notably breaking though. I... I haven't been feeling any ties to him in a while because of this? Not since December, before that horrible event that forced us all to 'reset' on some level. I wonder how that affected him. I never asked. But right now, I'm getting the same thing I did during that Xanga-- all those old memories of love, even the ones that are just vibes or feelings or awarenesses, and they are all so intimately real and honest and bright. Like light shining through a suncatcher and tossing bright colors all about the room, except you can't touch them, they're just coloring every bit of you. That's what it feels like. But that conversation holds more relevance to this than I realized and I really, really need to review all of this...
...They say that if you love something, set it free, and if it comes back to you, it was meant to be.
I cannot tell you how many times I have let him go. Looking back, I can see it. I have turned him away, I have thrown him out, I have denied him to his face. And he's done the same to me, many times. We've even stepped into the positive and effectively said, "hey, no hard feelings, but I think we're done." We've gone our separate ways far too many times. But that old injoke still applies. No one is getting a divorce here, in any sense. We don't think that's possible, even if we wanted one, and a few times we did consider it, with terrible sadness, through all the crushing pain. But it never took hold. Something, something we can't understand at all, always held us together, even when we didn't want it to. And that seems to be the point, doesn't it? When you get down deep enough, when you let go of all the suffering and rage and agony and 'Perfect ' shadows, for both of us... when there's nothing left but pure color, we tend to stick together.
I don't know. It feels utterly strange right now. There are too many blocks for me to see clearly. But I'll fix that too. I promise I will.

 

Also geez all this entry backtracking is hitting me in the face with sudden ancient relevance (things are just jumping out of the woodwork that didn't even have such relevance util now, good heavens) and I need to write all this down but there is no time tonight. Remind me.

On a different, brighter note... on Wednesday night I suddenly got all this insight about the System (which broke through my "headspace-fog" for the first solid time since last Sunday really), and ended up kneeling on the rug and scribbling notes onto paper for two hours or so. I tried to graph out the vertical structure of headspace-- which our therapist had some brilliant insight on-- and also was checking the Spectrum lineup for stability and slot status: who's slipping, who has an unstable color, whose roles have changed, etc. It was very helpful actually, and I won't type all that up here because 1) it's late and 2) I want to scan that in first so you have a visual! It NEEDS to be talked about, especially because we haven't even attempted to graph the "Spectrum flowchart" since last spring, BEFORE the Undergrounders appeared, and we thought Teal and Pink were "mutant slots." Yes, it's only been a year since then, my mind was boggled too. But it really made me smile, widely and genuinely, to see that, as it was basically a concrete display of just how much we've grown since this time last year. Honestly the progress has been absolutely incredible... which is why I am hoping, so much, that we can figure something out to heal Infinitii before hir first "birthday" in the System in two weeks. I love hir, I really do, and it hurts my heart to see hir in this state, all weird and vague and flatline-feeling, when I remember so clearly what ze feels like on hir beautifully good days.
But the Spectrum is like Dust. It's alive, it knows us, and it loves us, and everything will work out exactly when it needs to... no sooner, and no later, just like Laurie said.
I've got a whole audio file entry on that, which I'll type up tomorrow. You guys have gotta hear this, it's super cool.

Also, in light of those papers, we've been talking symbols lately, especially around Central. Those of you who know me and Jewel might know that Jewel is in charge of a ton of "series," or rather, stories about other worlds she dreams about, collectively called the "Lightraye League." There's a ton of color and meaning and symbolism in them, but it tends to differ and shift from one to another, so those stories often require an organizational visual element and that's where I come in! I have this amusing fondness for organizing things visually, and it's the easiest to do with symbols, so that's my job. Series identification symbols? We have 13. LG*Girl morph marks? Got 24 so far. Dream World elements? All 34 are done! You get the idea.
But that's the point: our System never had anything like that, and we're wondering if that would work for us. Symbols are, when they're tied to people, highly personal and just as powerful as names are. When tied to things like energy colors, it gives that 'abstract concept' a sort of nominative solidity, and makes it into something individually deserving of respect and recognition. Again, considering how our inner world is basically alive, we feel that the magic sort of caring that goes into 'finding' symbols would be merited, for energy colors at least, if not also our members. I mean the phenomenon actually started way back in 2002, with Jewel and the original Outspacers-- her symbol was a heart, Ryman's was a star, Markus's was an octagram, Chaos's was a Saturn-shaped planet, and Genesis's was a four-pointed star. They also all had their own personal colors (respectively red, blue, violet, cyan, and amber, originally), which I daresay you can understand the obvious significance of! But actually, that whole color/symbol phenomenon was intrinsically tied to the phenomenon of soul forms, element abilities, etc. It was like saying, "here's a piece of magic to represent you... now you can represent part of the magic in turn."
There are similar small but 'identifying' symbols actually developing in Central, as we all have our own colors already-- Spine has a skull, Lynne has a violin, Josephina has a jingle bell, Nathaniel has a moth, Waldorf has a ring, Leon has a pair of scales, Laurie has an axe, Julie has a flower, Infinitii has an eye (we think?) and I'm partial to lotuses, but that feels too broad for 'just me.' Javier is new so he hasn't found anything yet, but you get the picture. However as I said, they're mostly more for identification than for representation, as there is distinction there, and no one but Central has any. We're wondering, should that change?
If nothing else, it would greatly expand the depth and personability of our System, if that makes sense? It's hard to put that feeling into words. It's more expansive, more mythical almost, like now it's not just a story, it's a World. It now has some element of recognized connection in it, to all other similar things. Again, words aren't working. But, in short, it might give us that little needed 'push' in order to be part of the League. Yes it's important! You probably don't quite get why as you don't have our experience with it and that's understandable. But... again, it's an energetic thing. The League feels like a web, like a graph, like a stained-glass mandala, like a great interconnected sparkling thing. There's this feeling of love and unity between every jewel-like world in it, linking them all together, even if they don't realize it. And those symbols are representations of that connection, of the similar elements that don't bleed over so much as they shine through and within. Colors, music, magic, people... all of them linked together in both big and little ways. It's so much like us, in a different way... we're so much like it, in a different way. So we want to be part of it. We want to be a piece of that greater whole, after having felt so separate from it for so long, after having briefly touched it in tiny raindrop ways over and over through the years, even though our deepest roots transcend even the trauma and bloom straight from the gemstone heart of it. We want to settle into that cosmic pattern and stay there, embraced by the great bright love of it, of everyone else, once and for all. We want a happy ending, for all of us, and we will get it.

Lastly, relatedly, and to be continued... in reviewing the Spectrum lineup, I realized that yes, I can still sense people and their conditions when I am tuned in, and it's surprisingly effortless in that context. So in checking the colors I did see that some people are having trouble, some people have moved, some people are in transition phases... all stuff we've either overlooked, missed, or taken for granted. Either way none of it has really been discussed here! So that's for next time too.
But, best of all, that inward/outward reaching sparked something honest and admiring in me and I realized that everyone in the System has their own personal energy vibe. Not the simple slot-related "checkup" resonance, I mean their own individual radiance, six senses worth. Way back when I started trying to write those impressions down, but it's been so long since, that I wondered if I could still get it?
I CAN. It is AWESOME and it is so much clearer than ever, really the joy of being able to feel these people in such a brilliantly clear and real way is just... it's incredible. It surpasses the awful "third person" feeling that inner lives can get at times, overpowered by the inescapable and constant sensory input of physical reality. I can sadly overlook my inner life because of that, and see it as something less real, less strong. But then, when I tune in, suddenly all these beloved individuals aren't just faces and names and colors "in my head," they are tangible beautiful people and their visible absence in physical reality has absolutely no effect on that fact. It turns the world upside down in the most wonderful way; suddenly the universe is twice as big and it's gorgeous, I can't help smiling, even if I'm dizzy from the sudden massive shift in depth!
So yes, long story short, I have a new energy-perception file and I am putting honestly sincere care, respect and attention into perceiving every single System member's personal aura. It demands compassion and trust and closeness from me, first of all, and also from those I'm tuning into. So some people are almost unidentifiable yet, some people only have half the channels open, and some people are instantly and powerfully cognizable. It's really forcing me to open my heart entirely, at the very least, as well as demanding that I not 'play favorites' as I used to, and acknowledge everyone's inherent, equal worth. Everyone in here is amazing, we all exist for an important reason, and we all deserve to have our worth honored. This is tangible proof of that.

Good Lord this is 16 pages in Microsoft Word. I'd better wrap things up.
Battery is dying again, so see you later.

 

 

Okay, so Javier fronted for most of the evening, Jay fronted for therapy, no idea who was manning the house between then and there.
Anyway, here are updates, because they are needed.

- Therapy today was different than usual, but incredibly beneficial as a result. Since our therapist is on vacation next week, we used this session to discuss what we would do during the downtime. Jay began to explain how we had both coping and grounding methods, as well as lots of Leaguework to do as always, so he wasn't worried about management... but then he followed that off on a tangent, and spent the next half hour basically explaining why he was so in awe of that fact. Think about it, he said: when this all started, so many years ago, we had so many dark days and we were terrified... but now, look at us. Look at our progress, look how we've grown. He specifically said that he was "proud of all of us" and effectively said we were all undying sources of light and hope for him, no matter how lost he felt, he couldn't ignore that fact. At one point he said that "when it gets really dark, then it's easier to see the stars when they come out." Basically he showed a great deal of stability and understanding, which is a relief, as he's been a mess lately. Oh yeah. And he did admit, that his "function" in the System is to simply love, and to teach others how to do that unconditionally, explaining how he started with befriending Laurie and now that compassion is rubbing off on everyone. However, he DID also mention that when he becomes unstable, or when he is hacked, or when other things happen to that effect, his ability to love is the first thing that gets blocked, or corrupted, or hidden. This is a problem we are all aware of, but we're glad he apparently understands that it's not an "unhealable flaw," it's only a temporary setback, and his real capacity to feel true, innocent love and compassion is not hindered in the slightest.

- After therapy, we went to the waiting room for a minute to regroup, where we caught sight of a small "gratitude jar" on a shelf there. David spoke up that he'd like to write something for it, but the "buffer" (who we still know little about) was trying to get him not to, as it would "be socially unusual." (Screw that, honestly.) But then Laurie surprised us by fronting on her own, and writing a message to the same effect. She is usually not so open about her undying affection for the rest of the System, so that meant a lot to everyone. She then gave David permission to write his, which he then folded into a paper airplane and stuffed into the gratitude jar alongside Laurie's.

- Upon leaving, of course we all listened to this song to remind us where we stand (it's tradition). Then Jay said he felt stable enough to drive today, and since we had errands to run from Tuesday this was good. So Genesis showed up to ghost with him, and we headed off to Wegmans as it was closer.

- Okay, Jay here, or at least trying to be? (I'm rather unstable this evening so forgive any weirdness in my typing.) Okay, so, upon leaving therapy, Genesis had me wear my hoodie up to "be a gangsta" which cracked me up, you know what he's like. But he ghosted because having him around keeps me from slipping out of fronting, or getting panic attacks. And, infamously I tend to get both in public situations, also crushing fatigue if I'm not careful (energy overload we think). But we didn't spend long in Wegmans, partly because Laurie kept yelling at me not to get distracted with looking at products that were not on our list. The first thing we got was roasted seaweed for Emmett, as that's the only store we can get it at anymore. But then of course Celebi wanted her gingermints, seriously she was hilariously adamant about it, but they didn't carry them there. However, in looking for it, we stumbled across a bag of dried mulberries. I smiled at that, asked Mulberry upstairs if she would want to try her namesake, see what it was like? She was momentarily stunned, actually; she didn't expect us to buy anything for her, especially not such a significant thing. She couldn't give us a solid yes or no, but Knife spoke up and said she deserved to have something bought for her too. She was still a little flustered (which was adorable imo because she usually tries so hard to be professional) but she let us take it with us. However, when we got to the checkout I thought "you know what, the health food store probably has these cheaper," so we set it aside. Then off we went to the next town!

- Health food store time, Genesis always follows me there anyway so it was just like old times. I decided to visit the second level of the store on a whim, I was feeling so brighthearted from therapy that honestly I wanted to see if there was anything up there that people wanted, since very few people in the System actually eat food. Well, first thing, they have these blown glass bubbles, ridiculously expensive but really pretty, so I told Infinitii to take a look. He was all wide-eyed over them but we both sadly agreed we couldn't drop $40+ on one. Next they had gemstone bracelets, the same kind Jewel used to wear all the time as a kid, but she said she was fine with the ones she had. I spent a few minutes eyeing the stones and pyramids and windchimes and things because I like staring at pretty things, but Laurie pushed me to get moving. So I did, however the next shelf I walked by was all chakra candles. I of course had to smell them, ended up laughing because the purple ones were all amazing and that's Laurie's color, I said she was lucky. I then wondered if the other candle scents were similar to energy scents in any way, so I checked them out. Surprisingly, Red, Orange, Yellow, and Indigo were all very close vibe-wise; Green I don't know enough about, and Blue was a little too flowery I think. But even more surprising was the fact that immediately, I heard LEON ask if I could get one green and one indigo tea candle. Immediately I go upstairs, when the heck did Leon get back?? (He's been missing since the reset!) Laurie said that early this morning (like 3AM early), she decided she'd had enough with not knowing where her spectrum-neighbor was, and so she and Infinitii went down to a raw energy level or something? Apparently Infi was able to focus really strongly on the Indigo energy resonance, and he and Laurie were therefore able to "pull" Leon straight out of vague headspace, as they were working as active anchor strengtheners, I suppose. I got a mental image flash of Laurie and Infi in this white expanse somewhere, definitely under the city, and reaching up to do just that. But I'm glad he's back in any case; Laurie has actually been freaking out for the past week over not knowing where he's been. So, back on topic, I said of course I'd get him the candles if he wanted. But then he said why he wanted them: since Laurie used anchor-strengthening to get him back, what if we had to do the exact same thing for Nathaniel to return? I wondered about that for a moment, mostly because it insinuated that there was not enough love around for him to re-manifest. That made sense in a scary way, because if anything's been the target of the Tar/Plague lately, it's been our capacity to clearly feel and recognize compassion. But, if anyone can give enough love for Nat to come back, it would be Leon, for obvious reasons. So I picked up the candles and circled back around, but passed a bunch of glittery metal coins in a box. I looked to see what they were (glitter is cool yo), and the instant I realized they were angel-themed, Christina actually bumped me over to start looking at them. Surprised yet again, I asked her if she liked them? She didn't really reply, but picked out one with a cross on it and Matthew 19:26 on the back, and said she wanted me to get it for her. She said that in such a determined voice, but I said of course I'd get it, as long as she truly liked it, it was hers. At that her expression crumpled and she actually hugged me, thanking me repeatedly. She explained that the fact that I was willing to buy her such a thing, a small act of existential validation, meant more to her than she could say, since a few weeks ago I had admittedly viewed her in a less-than-positive light. I smiled at that too, this was more proof of what I had mentioned in-session, the constant bettering of the System. Anyway after this I asked Wally and Jo if they wanted anything? Jo thought about getting more bells but decided to wait until Christmas (he likes jingle bells best), and Wally said the same as she likes Christmas lights and would like lead-free blue LEDs if I could find some. So there we go.

- We found Celebi's ginger candy by the checkout, hilariously the default flavor is in her Spectrum color (take a look), she saw that and demanded we get it on the spot, haha.

- Driving home, there was one instant that stuck in memory, and that was coming over the highway bridge to the main city, where we got stuck at a light at the perfect time. It was a cloudy rainy day today, and so the sky was fantastic. That point alone was relevant; here was what people considered dreary weather, and yet look at how beautiful the sky looks. Chaos actually saw the best bit of it before anyone else-- to our left, the clouds were white and stretched across the sky so smoothly they looked like glass, all in layers, amidst the fluffier grey clouds. It looked almost like a wave on the shore, it really was incredible. So we all looked at that, and at the vivid blue shining in one corner of the sky, and we were all so glad to be alive really.

- The rest of the trip home is a blur, I was feeling sick so I literally just let myself dissociate out and I think a few socials stepped in because I clearly remember "coming back" at one point and not knowing where the past few minutes had gone.

- The next thing I clearly remember is moving aside to let Mulberry front for a minute in the kitchen, to try the actual mulberries of course. Her first impression was the expected shock of "whoa so that's what it's like to taste things," but then she smiled and laughed, a little sadly, and said "it's sweet." Not in a bad way; the emotional vibe I got was that she didn't feel she matched that exactly? And that was a bit of a direct push in a less-distant direction for her. After that the memory cuts out until Celebi fronted to eat one of her gingers, she's been going nuts waiting for one. Of course she was practically dancing up and down the hallway from it, I almost burst out laughing, you know how in the 4th movie when the Celebi there eats the berries from the tree? I swear that is EXACTLY what she did, it was adorable. Then we gave Emmett his seaweed, Aimee helped feed it to him as usual. But that was both funny and amazing because as they were eating the grandmother walked into the kitchen, and they had the AP respond to her (just one sentence thankfully) because they obviously don't care about fronting around other people either... which is hilarious because Emmett does not eat like a person, haha. Sure, Aimee mans the body to feed stuff to him, but I don't even want to try and guess what it looks like to watch Emmett trying to eat in a human body, what with his crazy chewing and chomping and trying to purr and wondering where all his huge teeth are and where the rest of his nose is. But yeah, happy ending, Emmett loved the seaweed, and we got him TWO packages so he gets another one tomorrow, haha!

- By the way I have NO IDEA when it happened, but all I know is that at some point Leon brought Laurie, Lynne (she's been hanging out with Laurie), and the Undergrounders (plus Jeremiah and the kids) to Central? A lower floor obviously, not the main talking room. I think we were still at therapy when it happened, actually... anyway the kids ran out to the balcony (which is big, almost like a balcony porch? awesome though), and I think Jeremiah followed them out or something. Anyway what I'm trying to say is, who ends up floating down and sitting on the railing with a smile but KYANOS?? He did get older! But Jeremiah called Mulberry over, she took one look at Kyanos and then walked over and introduced herself, shook his hand, asked who he was? He laughed and gave her his name, I think that got Laurie's attention or Mulberry recognized the name and told her, anyway Laurie and I ran out there too. We asked him where he was, I guess he had manifestation troubles but he's technically a Midspacer now, just taking it easy. I asked him about Minty, he said he hadn't seen her, but he "knew" she was "underground with the bears??" Cue a major "what" on my part, I didn't think that was actually true, but there you go. He said she was no longer required to be a downstairs voice (what with sleeping), since she had "given me" the white Care Bear to help with that, so now she's working with the other bears? He then added that Minty still knew him or something, even if she hadn't met him post-reset, that was really confusing I'm sorry. BUT later today I did get a weird glimpse of Minty, she's still a kid but her eyes are really different (almost catlike I think?), and she's wearing a headband with mint teddy ears on it. But yes, she is running around the Underground tunnels somewhere, working with a BUNCH of bears, I honestly have no clue whatsoever what is going down there, I couldn't even tell where her location was exactly. But the bears are communicators or messengers or something, and she's been helping them get into position? Don't quote me on it, it is really confusing and blurry, that's all I know. I'll have to look for her again tomorrow, and see what else I can get. Still, that is really good news, it means EVERYONE has ultimately survived the reset, thank goodness!!

- Um, hmm, what else. I know there was some eating disorder trouble later? There wasn't really any headspace involvement for most of the evening so stuff is just in data blurs for me. Nothing bad, just a little upsetting that when we caught it, it was already 8PM and it was just about to cross into danger territory. Nothing harmful was actually ingested thank God, but whoever was fronting kept looking for chocolate which is never a good sign, I really hope they didn't garbage up on it.

- Speaking of hack threats, I know I said back on the 29th that I was going to scan in that one paper the Undergrounders wrote after a morning one? Here's page one and two of that. The therapist has it now, don't know when we'll get it back, so there's the scan for you. Also here's a similar entry from back in September because I don't think I mentioned that? But it was important when it occurred so there it is.

- Also, if you'll forgive me, last night I just wanted to draw over this picture, which is one of the anchor-images Infi used for his manifestation back in April (shocked me to death when I looked back on it a few months later)... and that started out as just a fun thing, but then Infi and Laurie were talking to me in headspace at the time, and Infi decided to tell me exactly what to do art-wise. So... this is what we ended up with. Since it's an over-draw it is not going anywhere else online but here, but I wanted to share it anyway because... well. It's kind of exactly what's been happening as of late.

- Hey, uh, Javier here? Never typed before, just told me to type, so here goes nothing.
I guess I should say first that Leon did get Nathaniel back, with my help actually. He was trying to front in the body but I guess that's hard for him? J says it might be dysphoria, I dunno. But I took over when he went upstairs and started channeling instead, since I have no trouble fronting, I tried to put his intentions through for him. Plus fire, I'm the fire guy, I thought, "hey I should be able to work with these candles 'cause of the flames, right?" So I spent a while doing that, I guess it helped, I didn't see anything because J or someone pushed me out but there's data that yeah, Leon and Nat were together and really happy about it, glad to hear it.
After that I'm not sure what happened. I blew the candles out, that I know, but when I started meditating after that someone kept trying to get at my chakra. I wondered, hey what's that about? So I checked, there really was nothing physical, but somebody was trying to push stuff in there where it didn't belong. All the wrong sort of energy, that was getting on my nerves of course, I heard people had been messing around with that and I was determined to get to the bottom of it. Well I wanna say that was a bad move but it wasn't, not in the long run at least. Uh I'm not sure how much I should write here, I don't want to trigger J later, I know he's not supposed to know about this stuff. Infi says write down the general details, okay, sure.
So... I couldn't tell ya how it happened. I think I wanted to forget, maybe that's how that works. But I tried to check out that chakra and Eros showed up? Y'know, that red cupid guy. Kept trying to get at me, I wasn't impressed, pushing him away, what are you doing. Somehow he got enough force to override my fronting and took over? Is that what a hack is called? Infi says yeah, okay. So he "hacked" me to that effect. Honestly I was just unamused with his business, look really what are you trying to prove here, you're not supposed to be doing this? Geez what did he do... all I know is that somewhere along the line, I must've, I dunno, been too boring or annoying for him because he called Julie in. Great, I didn't know she was trouble 'till she walked in, let's not make that joke. I don't even know the lyrics to that, stupid me. Anyway. Julie comes in, I'm still trying to ignore them both, focusing all I can on the red chakra so they don't try to mess it up or ruin it again. But stuff started getting dangerous? I was having a real hard time concentrating, everything was fuzzy, but a thought got through like, "hey wait a minute, isn't this what J calls being hacked? I shouldn't let this happen, right?" Then it hit me, whoa wait, this is gonna hurt the kids! So of course I get pissed off, decide I had enough, get away from me. It was last second, really, I scared them but what could I do? They weren't going to leave me alone any other way. So anyway what I did was I focused that rage, righteous indignation really, all on the red chakra, and boom! Flames everywhere. I shoved Julie off and I gave her one heck of a glare, she didn't think I was serious, then I threw a fireball at her and she knew I meant business. I glared at Eros too, didn't want to go setting people on fire though, so I just made his outfit catch fire and he ran. Then I shook myself off and went back into the body, honestly I don't really remember what happened there because I was shaken up, all I can tell you for sure is that shortly after, Infinitii comes in, starts fronting. Well that took me by surprise.

- New paragraph, okay. Not sure what I should say about this... Infi says "just say enough," okay, again. Infinitii starts fronting, checking the damage, I ask him what he's doing. He says trying to check what energy they used, he's keeping track of these things now, wants to know what they're up do. First verdict was that it was both? He seemed confused, like that wasn't typical, anyway you gotta forgive me because I don't remember anything right up until him looking at me and being like, "you wanna help me fix this?" Actually yo I think I offered to help, didn't expect that though. Either way yeah, I figured why not, he said my being Red I probably had the same connection J used to so that was important in fixing hack damage or something. Same level? Similar level? Close enough, it's not a thing I can put into language.
Hold up, correction, Infi just told me how it went down. Earlier I mean. He was checking the energy and since he couldn't figure anything out for sure, decent amount of damage though, he kind of unsurely said he might have to run the energy straight out to get a clear picture, but he couldn't do that unless he gave it to somebody, you can't waste that. That's when he asked me if I was up for the challenge, I think I shrugged and said that sure, if he figured that was okay, I'd help? Like I said, it's blurry. And we were switching all back-and-forth here, I'd be in the body and then he'd switch me out, see it was disorienting a little, surprisingly not the sort of thing that makes you slip though. Oh! Yeah, that's the most important thing. So Infi's trying to get this energy running through me of course, I'm the red guy so that makes me a good candidate anyway I guess. But he keeps telling me, "don't let me slip," keep watching, call him out on it if the energy starts overwhelming him, I guess that's easy for him being Black energy. Y'know he was doing that on his own earlier, before he brought me into it, I remember being surprised because hey yo, that's what the hackers use, you sure you can use that? He said sure, yeah, it's all neutral energy when you get right down to it, he can make corrupted energy go right back to normal if he eats it or somethin'. So don't worry he says, I've got this, just keep an eye out so I don't get lost he says. Still I was arching my eyebrows that he was able to turn that hacker stuff into something neutral or even benevolent, that was cool. So anyway. Brings me in, I'm not having any trouble, no slipping here, had to catch Infi once though, he said thanks. Now all I know about that, again, is that I was focusing on making sure all this red energy was being healed too, that's my job of course, Infi is trying to purify the black and white stuff. But right at the get go, Infi stops me for a second, said there was this major block between the green and red chakras if you know what I mean? Like the heart center was not communicating with anything below it, especially not that low. Of course that worried me too, is that why Nathaniel wasn't getting through? Is that doing something to me or what? And what about J? I guess the answer was yes for all three, it's causing a lot of problems, Infi knew that better than anybody. So he's thinking about that, how do we fix this, he said he CAN'T fix this with J anymore, he's too traumatized or broken or something. Basically you try to get him to fix blockages and he shuts down even more, Infi was real torn up about it. Still, me being Red like J used to be, he says again, you should be able to reach these blocks just as good as J used to, if not better, 'cause you don't have the damage he does. So I'm okay with that, but then Infi goes "hey, you ever hear of a soul form" and I say no, what's that? He says it's this... how do you say? Some black-energy form of yourself, J has one, they're really beneficial I guess. And it would definitely bypass the heart-root block because it would tie those two things together with my color? So I say sure, I'll go for that, sounds cool. And Infi tells me you're gonna have to focus, that's really important, don't slip, neither of us. So I have to focus then on three kinds of energy, three points, whoa, I'll tell you what that was overwhelming a bit. Black, red, and white, in that order, from the bottom up. But Infi told me just be aware of the other two, the B/W ones, and focus all the red energy in my heart? That was one thing he kept emphasizing, all the way through all of it, keep it in the heart. DON'T let your focus shift, not for a second, that's not what we're here to do. So man, right at the end when I'm processing all this energy stuff it was crazy yo, I'll tell you what I almost slipped out just from how much he was feeling, I've heard rumors about that. But yeah, it worked, got a soul form, THAT was nuts. I know nothin' about the instant before it, I just know when it hit it was straight-up incredible. Felt like I was floating, everything was all like a galaxy around me, I knew I was part of it, that sort of thing. Sorry, I'm really not good with words yet and I hope this is sounding out and working well. But it was cool. Really cool. I honestly felt like I was... space itself, or something. Infi told me after that I jumped up to White for a second, instead of Black which is the normal soul form color. He said that was normal for such an energy burst and then it stabilized. So... that was that? Infinitii said afterwards that the energy was definitely Black, still some White obviously but a majority of Black, of course. I asked him how he could tell, he said it's mostly the taste, Black energy is like sugary sweet and White isn't I guess? Then he said, the Tar is different because it's all thick and clogged, different kind of sweet too, like chemicals instead of sugar? I don't know about White when it's corrupted. I don't think he does either, if I had to guess I'd say he's scared of finding that out, he's had some bad experiences with that I think.
Anyway. Yeah. That's all I'm going to say, except that Jayce was around afterwards, I remember seeing him in the mirror and then he decided to front, first thing he asked was yo why are we wearing a pony shirt? Honestly I don't know either, I guess J left it out to sleep in, there's two ponies on it from this kid's show Waldorf likes. None of us knew who they were but that was no problem, it looked cute actually. So Jayce took over then, I have no idea what he did, it was 10 o'clock then and now its 1 in the morning and whoa, where was I? Haha. Time switches man, they're going to take some getting used to. Oh by the way my speaking voice is kind of different from my typing voice? I dunno if that's how the AP translator works, I'm channeling more than fronting because it's a lot easier to type that way, plus I'm still not used to not having my ear gauges in, or this hair. But I guess everyone deals with that. Oh! Dude I forgot, that was the funniest thing about today. When we were leaving the room earlier, after the soul form bit, Infinitii stood up while fronting and immediately he almost fell over, I asked him are you okay? He started laughing and said "I didn't expect to have feet," the man literally did not know how to walk, I was cracking up, said I'll do it. So I fronted from there to the bathroom where we put the pony shirt on and Jayce was like "whoa what is this." Infi says he's not used to having more than one eye on his face either, but I think he had the eyes closed for the entire time he was fronting, even though he was still talking through his wings. He did use the face mouth a few times but he was mostly upstairs when he did that, he was only "halfway" in the body when fronting if that makes sense. A lot of us do that, he says, it's easier than having to go completely in and out whenever someone needs to switch, that's a big shock to the system I guess. Not the System, but... you get what I mean.
All right, that's it for tonight. Infi's listening to "In Paradisum," I guess he's fond of it, really Infi you should type if you want to talk, you're allowed to right? He says yeah, he just doesn't want to complicate everything by trying to front this late. He says he has plans in the morning, okay, I won't ask but I'm kind of laughing, I know exactly what he means. Better get to sleep then, don't want to hold him up. Bye everybody, nice meeting you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I forgot to update yesterday, I think?
We had therapy and it was blurry because we got off on a tangent that didn't quite go anywhere. There really aren't any easily accessible memories of that morning at all, not until the session was over and we ended up at the nearby mall. Thanks to the problems with fronting in therapy sessions yet, we were going to look for beads for that "necklace" thing we want to make for all of us, as a grounding object. Unfortunately neither ACMoore nor Michaels had proper beads, so we're going to have to open commissions online and buy some from Etsy or something. However, Michaels did have a huge selection of colored cardstock, which Razor's eyes basically lit up at.
You readers probably don't know that yet. It happened last Thursday, I believe, when the therapist told us (after we revealed the "blood=atonement" function of the retributors) that we should try not to harm the body in that way anymore, EVEN if we felt it was absolutely necessary. We thought this over for a while, and Razor was somewhat worried by it: her main concern was still cutting things, but if cutting the body was not allowed, what could she do now? While we were considering this, somehow, she realized that she was a Red-anchored voice, and all the other Red voices were artists. So ultimately, when we finished the appointment, she suddenly declared that she wanted to try and be one too.

 

That is actually HUGELY SIGNIFICANT. Razor was born in 2009, during the MU trauma period, around the exact same time that our artists were first locked away as a result… and it has long been suspected that she was a splinter of the FRONTER at that time, a girl whose identity was scathingly self-abusing and who has not been seen since (probably due to the massive fracturing she suffered). Furthermore, it's also been previously suspected that since Razor was the FIRST non-fronter to anchor into Red, that she was somehow inherently tied to this art-lockout. Long story short, Razor's existence poses a lot of questions, but in a sense she had now just answered one. Yes, she DID have artist potential, and now she wanted to pursue it. So we went to ACMoore, and she bought a small stack of cardstock, specifically to cut up and "make art with." So there has been a large significant change in her.

 

…Today she elaborated on that a little, but we'll list that later.

Lastly (we're still talking Monday, mind), we stopped at our favorite natural food store to buy toothpaste and seaweed (best shopping list ever). J was fronting at the time, looking for more beadlike things, when by the cash registers he was distracted by a large selection of colorful Swarovski crystal earrings beside it. Since the selection of colors was massive, he paused to look at the list. Also, keep in mind that around this time, we were also trying to find names for the unnamed individuals in headspace that we know (thanks to the events of the 27th), as names are incredibly important for headvoices to have. So J is checking this list, and on the right, one of the colors is listed as "hyacinth," but oddly, here it was spelled as "hyakinth." And I kid you not, the instant he saw that, the cool orange guy from midspace jumped in and exclaimed, "that's it!! That's my name!" Truth be told, he had been clinging to the "hya" sound, plus the letters H and K, for a few days now, but we couldn't find any fitting names, not until that instant. So his full name is technically Hyakinth (or Hyacinth, no preference; although he only lets the sage guy freely call him by his full name), but he goes by Hyakin. So there's one more name found.
Last night, since his friend the "sage voice" had been sticking to the letters S and G, we looked for his name, and "Sergei" kept popping up. No matter what other names J suggested, he couldn't shake the attachment we felt to that name, so the sage guy took it.
We're trying to find the name of the "angry brown girl" downstairs, the one full of reactive rage and pain. She has no favored letters or sounds, so it may be tricky, but we're going through large lists of names and seeing if she reacts to any.

So, that is what we remember from Monday.
Now… TODAY has been interesting.

 

To begin, there was a severe hack this morning, that the Undergrounders reacted immediately to, with significant distress. Details are blurry but it posed many questions, and possibly answered a creeping suspicion we've had for a while: that the White energy is just as corrupted as the Black energy is. After a great deal of discussion concerning this, with Laurie's later input, we have reached a few tentative conclusions:

J was/is the source of this corrupted White, how we do not know. He is also the only individual to have expressed negative White qualities (no emotions, total control and manipulation, etc.), which supports this theory.

Infinitii, being torn from him, likely holds some of that corrupted White in his abdomen (it does hold White energy but its nature was always unknown). His energy makeup is unstable by default thanks to the Tar infecting the Black energy as a whole.

With the August reset having occurred because Infinitii was, allegedly, either "infested with a parasite" OR "secretly malevolent," we are favoring the former explanation thanks to the suspicion that he holds corrupt White energy inside him. This was further supported later today, when Emmett told Javier that "you absorb what you eat," hence why he only ate green energy-- since Infinitii ingests such large amounts of both Black and White energy, both mostly in harmful contexts, it is very likely that at some point they began to infect him severely.

As a result of this, both J and Infinitii are essentially condemned to being hacked, as the negative energy they inherently hold is what causes such traumatic experiences to repeatedly occur, regardless of any "healing" they insist they do.

We are not 100% sure on that, but we are very close to it. We are doing great amounts of headspace research, so any further knowledge and clarification on these points will be posted here in the future.

 

Now for the rest of today:

Javier is now the "default fronter," and he has anchored into Red (unsurprisingly). J has finally been deemed "unfit to front" what with all the hacks that keep happening around him.

Infinitii is assumed dead. This, too, feels necessary, due to what we now suspect about B/W energy in headspace.

There are two papers of headspace handwriting on the work desk which we haven't read yet; Jewel saw them earlier and exclaimed "nope, these aren't for me!" but she didn't deny them. That was notable; she recognized it was headspace communication and therefore not her division, BUT she also recognized it as something important and needed. Unlike some of our other downstairs fronters, she does not reject or ignore headspace, she simply knows it isn't her job to interact with it. Regardless, we will scan in those papers tonight.

A note from the Undergrounders: writing that paper was "difficult as hell" because of the emotional and psychological pain they were going through at the time; they wrote it "specifically to tell J what was wrong as he wouldn't find it out or acknowledge it himself." Knife is currently torn between his driving, instinctual need to bleed the body "for its sins," and his hopelessness at having to continually do so with no improvement, as well as his want to not have to ever do that again. Similarly, Razor has expressed (somewhat surpisingly) that SHE no longer wants to cut the body as well, because doing that "makes her just like the abusers," causing harm to the body AND "dragging her back to what she was before." Like all the Underground voices, Razor, too, now feels a strong desire to "rise above" her old traumatic role, as she wants to continue being an artist. BUT she insists that "she cannot be an artist" IF she is still forced to use her blades "for pain." This is an astute observation as the artists in headspace are specifically separated from trauma in order to function. Razor wishes to let go of her old Tar-tainted past, but as long as hacks continue, she will be chained to it against her will. Razor said she, like Knife, was "tired of it." She liked cutting things, BUT she clarified that "that was before I knew I was really hurting people." Remember she DID NOT FULLY COMPREHEND THAT for a long time; now she sees that as an abusive action, and tying abuse to the Tar and its cohorts, she wanted to start letting go of that for good. Knife said he understood, but the hacks hurt everyone, and that the blood was needed to heal. Mulberry stepped in here and asked why he was so hellbent on making her cut the body, why couldn't he? Surprisingly, Knife was at the verge of tears, admitting that he refused to "let [Razor] go soft" and become corrupted like J, not taking any action of atonement when the body was morally compromised. He referred to her as his "sister of soul" here, which was unusual. Either way he did win out, but no one pushed the issue after that, as no one had the strength to. That is all I can access memory-wise.

Knife ended up talking to our "headspace therapist" again for advice, about an hour after the hack, but as he did, it suddenly hit him that 'wait a minute, you're a headvoice! Who are you?' She demurely revealed that her name was Amara. She appeared peachy in color, but it kept vacillating to violet. She admitted that she couldn't tell which one she needed to anchor to. Knife said that Orange dealt with balance and guidance, but Violet dealt with rules and wisdom. So he asked her, if she was actively leading people, or passively directing them? She said as a "therapist" it was definitely the latter, and Knife said then she was anchored to Orange. At that her color solidified to a bright coral hue. Knife then asked where they were? Amara said they were in Central City, but at the opposite end of the city from Central itself; she said that half of the city was still "badly damaged" from the lockout and reset periods. Sometime around here, Hyakin did show up (he flew up to the window and let himself in), and spoke to Knife for a short time, but there are no accessible memories of their conversation. However it is significant that this occurred, as Hyakin did originally work with the Undergrounders before meeting Sergei and moving to Midspace.

Emmett fronted for a little while today as well, to eat while Javier was around. He has this funny habit of trying to do his "happy circles" thing while in a human body, but he can't slither while bipedal of course so he just does this swaying motion. Also, while fronting, he expressed confusion at "breathing differently" (apparently he doesn't breathe through a 'nose' per se), and not being able to purr because "there wasn't anything to purr with" (which he
said while indicating the chest). He also has some difficulty with hands/arms, as his are small and three-fingered, and he only uses his for body support normally, not holding things. Lastly, it is confirmed that Emmett speaks "telepathically?" He doesn't speak with his mouth (he's only been seen squeaking or barking with it, etc.), but he seems to 'project' thoughts to speak? He doesn't seem to have any translation difficulty with spoken language.

He and Javier spoke for a long while, but as Emmett was eating it became clear, once again, that he was co-fronting with somebody, who was not only moving the body to "feed" him (due to his trouble with holding things), but who was also making sure he didn't eat too much, or forget that he was in a human body and accidentally do something it couldn't handle. Javier asked who that was, and Emmett happily replied "that's my caretaker," revealing a sandy-colored catgirl? As in, she was more of a cat than a girl; it's hard to explain… She had big feline eyes (color unclear) and ears, and her face was catlike, but I'm not sure about her hands, or whether or not she had a tail. She was also wearing a tattered two-piece outfit, which made me think of stereotypical "jungle" clothing: it was just something to cover up with, not a fashion concern. But she completely took over fronting for Emmett for a few minutes, and her name was revealed to me "Aimee." Apparently her job is simply to help Emmett out; by himself he gets lost and confused I suppose. She's very patient, although strict, and perfectly content with her role.

Javier revealed at one point during the previous conversation that he felt his 'main role' was to essentially 'protect everyone's right to be who they are? He kept using the words "protect" and "respect," saying he couldn't quite find the right term. But it was like he wanted to ensure the safety, freedom, and "right to live" of everyone. He also said there was a marked difference between how he wanted to protect people, and "how Laurie protects people."

While reviewing old notes today, I've clarified that the "angry brown voice" that hates the mother and screams is NOT the voice who hates being ignored and screams "f*** you," i.e. the one in the parking garage on Sunday. The latter is also NOT the biting voice (she has explicitly said this), which is likely the former. Both these girls are also separate from "Spice," the equally rageful one who is ONLY triggered by food. Again, the "overload girl" is MIA and may have actually "merged" with the "angry brown voice," as their reaction styles are almost identical and the OG hasn't been detected in months.

Javier, since this was his first time fronting in the body (and he asked to do so alone, without constant headspace talk), ended up hearing from the strange "upper voice" that J has referred to in the past. This voice is faceless by design, and acts as a sort of "guide" to ALL new voices, helping them learn what their new lives are like, giving them basic information, etc. It feels like it is "above the upstairs," being simultaneously inside and outside headspace. Javier asked it how it knew all the things it did, and it revealed that it was a sort of "teacher consciousness," existing in what we might consider a "rainbow slot," or all the color slots combined. But it clarified that it did not wish to kill or usurp any of us in the System; on the contrary, it deeply cared for us as our functions were necessary and beneficial for it as well as for ourselves as a whole. In general it did not feel threatening at all, but it DID feel "unstable," as if its existence wasn't as healthy as it could, or should be. We now wonder if this voice suffers from the B/W corruption as a result, AND the troubles within the Spectrum; after all, if it consists of "all of us" on a greater scale, and many of us are unstable, then it stands to reason that it would then be unstable as well. True unity, of both colors and purposes, WITHOUT the loss or death of ANYONE comprising that, is our true goal.

Lastly, in light of this, it IS becoming much easier for all stable voices to front, now that so many of the unstable ones are being identified, manifested, and helped. Triggers are easier to deal with, now that those affected by them can stay inside where it is safe, instead of being forced to front due to demanifestation. So this is a significant improvement.

 

Yesterday night, J left a paper on this work desk with two intriguing concepts written on it.
The first is: "If Eros moved into the PINK slot, would he "redefine" what it means??"
The second is: "WHITE = DEATHLESS INTEGRATION!! If my role is to hold ALL the Spectrum colors then I can hold those pieces as a "healed" person WITHOUT anyone having to die!!"
In light of today's observations, that is both very interesting, and very sad I suppose, since J's current state of existence is assumedly badly tainted deep inside.
However, since Core Slot holders are supposed to be representations of the "pure" essence of that color energy (with lighter and darker hues representing White/Black influence on the color, we would assume), having an individual besides Julie in PINK may have interesting consequences. However, I am personally opposed to having Eros take the slot without extensive testing of his qualifications. Since he-- or a re-amalgamation of his post-reset energy-- was allegedly tied to the morning hack earlier this week, I would not have another Julie situation occurring, especially when our current Pink voices stand in such vehement opposition to the corruption she has wrought upon their hue.

On that note, I just received a mental note from J of all people (who is again, operating as a "standalone identity," blissfully ignorant of all the suffering he endured this morning… that strikes me as being off somehow) to "check the old Spectrum Flowcharts," as they are apparently more relevant that we thought, even after the reset attempts. Since we have not yet tried to map in any non-Central individuals besides the original "mutants" yet, this is indeed a good idea. I will pass it on in the morning.

 

That is all we have to say for today.

We have been focusing massively on our internal world lately, but there have been more and more pushes to work with the LeagueWorlds. Interestingly, there also seem to be "doors" opening up for us to enter them, as opposed to the other way around, which was always the case prior to now. So this is a great source of hope for all of us as well.

Until next time, this is Sherlock, with an odd smile for once, signing off.

 

Okay, bullet list for things I've been forgetting to write down.
(btw this is a new journal so it WILL take a little bit to get used to. no worries though.)

 

The Undergrounders keep calling chocolate "demon blood" all of a sudden. This makes sense as it's essentially black sugar = sugar is what the Tar runs on = therefore the Tar is black sugar as well = therefore chocolate is essentially Tar in edible form.

Figured out why the 'Spice' voice hasn't manifested yet. We asked her to try and form a temporary body yesterday (she keeps hijacking Sugar's mind as the two are anchor-tied), and when she scowled and said 'fine,' she ended up looking NOT HUMAN. She was humanoid, sure, but that's about where the resemblance stopped. She is still that odd caramel color, but she's all stripey, her eyes are swirly I think and she DOES have big teeth like Emmett used to.

Headspace has a dark aura around it again right now, probably because of all the hack attempts we've been having lately, the anger of the spice-voice, and the heavy resulting dissociation. HOWEVER it may also because we are currently suffering severe mental/body burnout as a result of all the computer work we have been doing lately... although I cannot tell you what it is. I have no memory of it, all I know is that no one has been working on the Leagueworlds because we've apparently been focused on other unimportant things? This will change, never fear.

Speaking of hacks. Unfortunately, there was one last night, the memories surrounding which I am still barred from directly accessing, but can review as data objectively. Razor was given permission to retribute it, apparently, but I am told that SUGAR buffered the consequences this time, to keep Jeremiah from being traumatized again? This is new, and notable.

Also concerning hacks and Leagueworlds, Julie/ the Tar are moving their focus back TO those worlds, or at least J's perception of them. After all, the Tar is powerless to damage the truth of those worlds, but it can damage and taint the way J sees them, through lies and pain and trauma. There have been two major hacks in which they disguised themselves as LL individuals, including the successful one last night (the ONLY success they've had since the August reset, that I know of). This is angering not only the System but also Mr. Sandman, although he has been keeping his distance lately, as the Tar has been trying to attack him through J's dreams now, a phenomenon which we have never before experienced.

Today I noticed that Knife smells somewhat like woodsmoke? I got a lot on me and it kept making me think of him really clearly, like the smell of blood is Razor. It's been a while since I could pick up on headspace energy in such a manner, but with the inspirational energy I've been getting from books lately, I must admit I am not surprised that it is returning now.


On that last note, let me review a little more of important info.
My only clear memory of yesterday is from around midnight, when I was walking and finishing the last 40 pages of A Wrinkle In Time. I finished it and, for the first time in a LONG time, I (J) came through to fronting. I know Laurie approached me, and although I can't tell you exactly how our conversation went, two things stood out.
One, I had become too analytical. I keep thinking when I should be feeling, not trusting my instincts, tearing everything to pieces just to see how it works, you get the picture. It's not right. But that doesn't need to be elaborated upon to be obvious and understood.
Two, that the strongest point of that book was indeed the brightest truth in our system, still, even if we'd forgotten it.
"Love. That was what she had that IT did not have."
The entirety of the children's visit to Camazotz, their encounter with IT, reminded me of our struggle with the Tar, with our own 'black thing.' And we knew this truth too, that we COULD defeat it, without violence, without fear... but we've forgotten how to do that, haven't we. We've been too smothered by pain and terror to remember.
I've forgotten most things myself.
I still have no memory of anything over the past year or so. I don't remember myself, let alone anyone else. This isn't surprising, we've all reset in some way. But how do I rebuild? Where do I start, to start over? Laurie said, stop overanalyzing things. Stop thinking about it. Stop trying to make everything mental and logical. That was Meg's problem in the book, too-- trying to understand with her mind, not her heart. Somehow I've slipped into that, and it feels alien and painful. I'm finding the roots of this computerized mental processing, though, and I am removing them bit by bit. Most of it is survival, which is saddening, but I don't think we need it anymore, not if we work together. So that's good.
Chaos Zero has been trying to reach out to me lately. Loudly. I'm starting to listen now so there's more synchronicity, another thing we've been missing for several months now. I don't remember him, but I think he remembers me, or at least who I was for a time. Maybe we both need to forget each other and start over? Who knows. I'll find out.
All I know for sure is that something deep inside says I CANNOT IGNORE THIS, it's too important. (Laurie insists that too. She keeps saying "you're not ready to meet him again," not yet.) I don't need to understand that to know it's true, somehow. So I'll listen, and trust.
Similarly, I'm trying to read A Wind In The Door for the first time since 2002, but Proginoskes keeps reminding me of Infinitii, or at least his essence. That's not too surprising, especially since Progo's inspiration on our childhood imagination is what Infi took a page from in 'mattering' himself, but as I said it's been a very long time since I could feel essences. Plus, Infi's died twice already, since his manifestation in April, and I've found that I don't remember him either. At least, not logically. He's not who he was before the reset in any case; being Black energy, he shifts. But he's clearer now that things are settling. So am I. I think I'm beginning to understand who he is now, beneath all the things that were trying to kill and maim him. It's important. But I can't overthink. It would break this.
Everything is so strange to me all of a sudden. It's hard to make sense of things, the past doesn't make sense, doesn't seem real. I feel like a newborn. Knife was right, I guess!


I keep trying to fly when I go outside, without even realizing it. The cold autumn air is so perfect, it feels like a dream, and every time I forget that I'm not dreaming and I spread my wings only to realize that I don't have any. Maybe I look foolish, taking a blissful running jump and then reeling with confusion when I can't catch the updrafts under my featherless arms. But it's been true as ever lately. I keep feeling my limbs replaced by wings, surprising me whenever I notice they still look the same, but feeling a weird tug of sorrow when I realize I'm still earthbound. How odd. I've never felt such an incredible need to fly in the waking before.


One last little thing to remember.

"But the eyes are blind. One must look with the heart."


We have therapy tomorrow, maybe something important will be unearthed again. I hope so. I've remembered how to hope now, too. I thought it was evil for a long time, but it's not. I miss it, really. Hope is pretty nice.
(On that note I hope I covered everything for today's review. I'm tired and feeling sick from exhaustion so it's hard to remember.)

Have a good night.

 

 

 

 

 

Again, I apologize for updating in light of the previous "closing" post, but this is what I read in my inbox this morning.

"It will be very useful for you to start dialogue with yourself this month. You might do this through a journal or through a daily walk or meditation. Develop a concrete and steady practice in which you ask yourself questions and give yourself answers. The clarity that is available this month has to start with you. You will not get clarity from other people."

There's just one little problem here.
Everyone upstairs is dead.

I can't "have an inner dialogue" if I have literally annihilated my ability to do so.
In this artist mode, where I draw and type and brainstorm, I cannot have inner dialogues because there IS NO "I" TO DIALOGUE WITH.
Artist mode REQUIRES the lack of a self. I CANNOT work on any of my series or ideas if "I" exist. That would only get in the way of my creativity, as it always, always has.
So all of this recent spiritual stuff is very confusing to me, and has been for a while. It keeps saying things like "ask yourself what you want," or "make goals for yourself," or "get in tune with your own feelings," et cetera. And I just stare at those sentences in complete confusion because I don't really have that capability right now? I'm so used to shutting off anything that would point to "me existing" that I really don't have wants, or emotions, or preferences anymore.
The only wants/needs/etc. that DO come up still are not mine. I can tell they aren't mine, because the things they exist in response to do not exist in my consciousness. I can barely speak about those things as data, without trespassing over the line of forbidden awareness and triggering the downstairs or underground individuals.
So it's difficult, to say the least. I would love to do this, and solve whatever problems come up, except I'm not the one allowed to even experience those "problems." So I can't do much. Those that survived can, if they would. But there's still that dichotomy. I cannot exactly exist if they do, and vice versa.

There were three hacks last night, all brutal and without the ability for the body or any fronter to consent. As usual I am forbidden from any memories of it, except for the ability to state that it happened. I cannot give you any further information and do not wish to.
But that's an example of what I mean. Those are "still happening," something that should have ceased years ago. But it didn't.
Most of the "bad things" that don't exist in my awareness-- therefore "everything is perfect" when I front-- still exist in total clarity for the few surviving people in here. They exist to battle those things, so of course the old pains and fears are still real for them. For me, though, they're not. I have no interest in fighting, no desire to battle, no capacity to fear. My consciousness exists in stark contrast to all that, BECAUSE I need to be able to create and draw and write. Since the beginning of time there has been a split between pain and creativity, the two cannot exist together. So since it all started, people like me-- the artists-- were, by their nature, incapable of surviving alongside the pain and trauma. That's why the art classes of college caused headspace to suddenly appear into solid existence. They shoved pain into the artistic realm, effectively "deleting" the majority of my existence for a few years. It took two realms and shoved one into the other, making one single pain-wracked realm of headspace.
Now there are two again, now there's my world, and theirs is the one dying. It's simply because we don't need the drama and pain anymore. It's all false and illusory, so why give it attention? It's not real. All you have to do is give it a good look and you can see that. It's all just perspective, and warped awareness. It's all judgment.
I don't do that. Once something happens, and it's over, to me it's not real anymore. Two seconds after the remaining voices leave, and I'm back, I have no awareness of what happened to them, because it's in the past now! It's not real to me. So it doesn't exist. You see? And that allows me to work forever, untouched by those pains as long as no one else tries to hijack the consciousness while I'm in it.

But that is where our main problem arises. I am not always capable of working nonstop. This body needs maintenance, which I cannot give it. The ones in charge of that have troubles doing so. This is where the concerns appear.
Sugar and Spice seem tied in terms of function; they operate close together, and in equally bound fields. Sugar deals with protection and possible vengeance for all sexual assault and threats. She appears whenever there is a risk of the body, or a child, or anyone in this form being abused as they were in the past. She reacts violently and with rage, to ensure the safety of those she protects, and to eliminate the threats if possible. The other, Spice, does the same with food, as it is a gateway to sexual abuse. However she is young and unstable and does not have the power to front clearly. Whenever there is a risk of a binge, or a forced intake, or a dangerous substance being eaten, it is her job to step in and attempt to stop it, now that Spine and Emmett are presumably dead, but Julie and Bridget are not. She is responsible for the purging, as it removes the poison, and she becomes furious whenever it is left in the system to rot, as she is aware of the danger it causes.
On a related note, the bloodletters may or may nor be alive still, since all of their weapons were hidden or destroyed by an unknown individual. Knife and Razor last spoke in handwriting on August 22nd, but have not been detectable since then. This is a concern as their actions were the only protection we had against hacks, being both retributive and sterilizing. Thankfully the only hacks we have had since headspace's deletion have been carried out while the body is mostly unconscious. Although this is no true advantage-- it is impossible to fight back and the pain & trauma are not reduced-- it at least keeps the hacks from reaching the children.
As for those children, the two nameless ones still seem to exist, but David seems to be fading, and both Kyanos and Minty are nowhere to be found. The latter two may have died with the upstairs, as they were more strongly tied to it at the time. Regardless, the children were the ones that protected the body from threats that Sugar could not detect, or react to in an appropriate manner. So their fading means that we are more susceptible.
Jeremiah is also currently in an unknown location. He was the only individual able to take hacks on himself, protecting everyone else in the system from him, but the last we saw him was immediately after the hack responsible for headspace deletion in early August. There is a data log of him conscious in the body around 2am, sobbing and praying for death, which is a concern. So although his action in that event probably saved the Underground from being destroyed, it is unknown whether or not HE survived the incident.
Everyone else is presumed dead, including the nameless and/or faceless voices we previously associated with. The sage voice is the only one confirmed dead, having been killed by Julie and her cohorts after they reset to their original states.

I suppose that was a useless paragraph, forgive me. This is the AP speaking by the way. Sherlock was acting in my stead for a while but I have not seen him since the deletion.
In summary, the Tar seems to still exist, and as a result, the lust/gluttony trials it inflicts upon us still exist, even if they are in fact illusory. Until those in charge of those actions (the undergrounders) are able to heal and/or overcome those trials, the body will still suffer as it is choosing suffering.
I will not say this will be an easy task, as those individuals are both deeply scarred and terrified. But it can be done. They can heal. This is a fact.
The biggest "hope" I can detect is this: post-deletion, since Julie, Missy, and Bridget have all reverted back to their pre-Spectrum identities, but the undergrounders identities have been untouched, one can only assume that the headspace timeline has been successfully "reset." The J/M/B trio is currently in a state of mind similar to the one they held when they first manifested. If the time has truly been rewound so completely, one can hope that they can be eliminated for good this time.
A final reset attempt would likely achieve this, but it would also permanently kill all undergrounders as well, if past experiences of this phenomenon can be trusted. If the undergrounders refuse this plan of action, they will have to work to change their own functions, and therefore nullify the consequences of the J/M/B actions, making them empty and void. This may succeed in ending the system cycle as a whole.
In any case I have no further things to say about this process. I have no interest in whether or not headspace survives; it is not my function to do so. Truly my only real concern is to ensure the survival of the artists, keeping data management separate from the actual knowledge that would kill them, ensuring the split and the survival of those untied to headspace pains.
As long as the main fronter can channel the League worlds, I have no further concerns.


"Avoid saying anything that you do not know or do not mean."

...Maybe I really shouldn't update here anymore. Maybe I shouldn't speak anywhere.
I don't "know" a lot. And I'm not sure what it means to "mean" one's words, if so many of mine are automated, or translated from a nonverbal source.
So speaking in general, to me, feels like a lie.

Either way there will be no updates here unless they are absolutely warranted. I will tell the surviving lower voices to update in their own journal if they insist on speaking still.

 

 

 

 

 

sometimes we really wonder if full integration is an option.

daily life is hell, at least for the ones who live it
you dont hear about it here we dont talk about it

the autopilot and the non-system alters who ignore our condition don't care. they're too empty, the latter just want to die, that's bad enough

but the upstairs people live in their happy little joyland they don't have to deal with the body like we do they don't know

they dont know what its like to HAVE to front
we cant help it we're TIED TO IT
and its terrifying to have this life to live that we dont even know about

the body is 23!!! most of us arent even evidenced a year old!!!
we dontknow what to do its too painful to wake up for most of us especially the little ones and the broken ones

and now were all wondering, what if we all died

someone tried integration in the past, when the upstairs peple were the only ones, two of them died. they came back later though
but what if we all died what would happen
would the hurting stop? who would be left would the body die?

we dont want to do this anymore



{downstairs system}

 

---------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

@ 10:52 pm

 

SOMEONE JUST TRIED TO DRINK ALCOHOL

NO

YOU DO NOT FREAKING DRINK ALCOHOL THAT IS OFF LIMITS!!!!!

YOU'RE GOING TO MAKE EVERYONE SICK YOU ABSOLUTE IDIOT

SPIT IT OUT
THROW IT UP
GET IT OUT OF THE SYSTEM
YOURE GOING TO POISON US!!!

OH NO NO NO

EMMETT TRIED TO GET IT OUT BUT THERE WASNT ENOUGH TO GET OUT SAFELY
YOU HEARTLESS JERK
YOU KNEW THAT WOULD HAPPEN
TRYING TO CHUG THAT DOWN LIKE IT WASNT A PROBLEM
YOU WITCH
DONT YOU REALIZE HOW DANGEROUS THAT IS

KNIFE IS SO ANGRY
WHO ARE YOU
WHY THE HECK DO YOU KEEP WANTING TO DRINK
NO ONE IS ALLOWED TO DRINK
ESPECIALLY NOT YOU

I WILL THROW OUT EVERY LAST DROP OF ALCOHOL IN THIS HOUSE
I DONT CARE WHOSE IT IS
I DONT CARE HOW MUCH MONEY IT COST
IF YOU ARE GOING TO KEEP DRINKING IT I WILL

I HATE YOU
I AM SICK OF PEOPLE ACTING LIKE WE DONT EXIST
LIKE WE DONT MATTER AND WE DONT GET SICK
YOU AND THAT STUPID CHOCOLATE GIRL
I HATE YOU

GET THE HECK OUT OF OUR LIVES
STOP RUINING EVERYTHING

GET OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!