prismaticbleed | Entries tagged with fronter:mulberry

quick notes as it's realtime 5am but i dont want to forget this.

trauma healing in the morning. some major fear and confusion, but we DEALT with it. healed and cleared it. MONUMENTAL.

kristanova and ollie cofronting. we are all bruises now i and i could not be happier

i... i think kris also said "i love you" and i just
cannot find the words to express how i feel about that just good lord

infi, me, genesis, chaos zero. harmonia, leon, nathaniel. mulberry, knife, algorith, razor. ashen, waldorf, lynne.
(type about all of that asap)

chaos zero saying "remind him that it's just seawater" and emphasizing the constancy and incorruptibility of love.
clearly remember him saying something and putting his hand to our chest where the ruby would be, because the vibe hit me like a shockwave and even now is driving me to ardent tears. god.

genesis fronting, heck yes he's AWESOME.
i remember him saying ollie Had to listen to mika because he sounds JUST like him, and is also gay and french, haha. (here's the most upbeat tune he's got, i adore it.)

harmonia laughing at something and infi coming RIGHT in during said laugh, scared ollie in the good way

mulberry getting us out of bed, all business but warmhearted.
kissed ollie's shoulder and immediately knife came out, that's his style. kissed ollie's hand and talked to him a bit.
algorith coming out!! immediate accent lock-in for them both btw. that's so incredible to remember. i cannot imitate how they talk at all. it just happens and i hear it later. ollie saying al's accent actually sounds local? she laughed good-naturedly at this. "that's what i get for being vermilion;" the accents around here are solidly orange/amber/etc. in sound for us.
razor coming out and just sitting there perfectly content as ollie mussed up her hair. no talking yet; she's self-conscious about how she sounds. but gosh we love her, we really do.

thunderstorms!!! BEAUTIFUL.
anxious at first because of family flashbacks, but as soon as we got out into the rain we were golden.

kristanova driving. he's such an awesome guy. really meant a lot, too; he kept reminding us to breathe, that we'd be okay, there was nothing to worry about.

wearing that navy coat and SOMEONE we've never seen before fronting who LOVES thunderstorms?? inhuman but humanoid nousfoni, name resonating precisely as "elucidae."
either harbor blue or indigo?? feeling specifically: the latter if lightning is part of their resonance, the former if not

tried to get ssi stuff done but we got there too late and there were SO many people, not worth sticking around and waiting when we had too many other things to do. so we left.
scalpel being pulled to front as we passed a car booming a muffled bassline? immediate childhood terror trigger. but scalpel resonates with "darker" music feelings? said he was a "reclaimer;" mentioned that once that sound was an omen but not anymore; "it's mine now."
HUGELY IMPORTANT. wondering if ALL the "darkspacers" are like that?
but yeah, NEW nousfoni class, and a staggeringly vital one too. thank god. oh thank god. we need these people SO MUCH now.

laundromat day.

stopped at "why not pizza" and got fried mushrooms, a chicken salad, and jalapeno poppers. daring!! used to all be fear food. but we enjoyed every bit of it. we're not afraid to eat anthing with oliver, it's such a staggeringly significant fact. god bless him.
so yes, we just sat together and ate it and talked.
doctor phil was on the tv and unfortunately it started to get really triggering after a while so we left.

stopped at food lion. scared that people were going to compulsive-buy. BUT genesis showed up and reminded them of what THEY really felt, and we DIDN'T get anything harmful-- furthermore those buyers DIDN'T EVEN WANT TO GET SUCH THINGS. dear lord. that's a milestone, for this to be anchoring in so legitimately.
no one wants to hurt the body anymore. no one wants to adhere to family toxic loops anymore. no one wants to be a slave to old not-working behavior patterns anymore. we slip up under heavy stress, true, but it's because we're so used to toxic coping methods. but every day, we learn. EVERY day. it's tangible. we learn and we forgive and we heal and we love and we keep moving forwards.

stopped at the library! lovely place.
went to the library! couldn’t get a card as we needed i.d. but it was so nice to just walk around.
trusted our intuition, walked through the scifi section. saw a ray bradbury short story collection, immediately grabbed it. THEN saw "do androids dream of electric sheep" which we had JUST mentioned to kyo last night, so got that too. can't wait to read them both.

i know we watched more of "cosmos" with kyo tonight, too. gosh we love spending time with her like that.

Massive migraine all day today, so bad we were too nauseous to eat and kept throwing up although all we were eating was healthy stuff today.
It's obviously stress. When we have a really bad day like yesterday, it takes at least three days to properly heal. Today doesn't count towards that total unfortunately. But we tried, God knows we always try.

But... today wasn't all that bad actually.

We didn't go to work because 1) dad said if the roads were bad don't come in, 2) we didn't fall asleep until almost 3am anyway, 3) our grandmother decided to let us sleep in even though the roads were pretty okay. So we actually got 8 hours.
We went outside and helped our grandmother clean the gutters from slush and leaves but then we had to go food shopping real quick for salad and coconut waters and these things which we can actually eat and which are really good, BUT due to our headache + fatigue + not eating much yesterday, we were not feeling well and so we got kind of scared on the road.
However. As always, when that happens our mains call for Mr. Sandman, just like when we're sick and can't sleep, and that man never lets us down. I mean, we're used to this by now, we're used to our constant personal experience of reality always bleeding over into the beyond anyway, but... he says something, it happens, he assures us something won't happen, it won't. It's checked out for years now. Of course if you try to hard, or push someone/something, it falls through but you can feel that, it has no weight or sincerity behind it, it feels hesitant and wobbly. So we're learning.
On that note, for the most part, we don't hear the bad floating voices anymore. THANK GOD. I don't know when exactly that stopped but I don't miss them and I refuse to give them any more attention.
But yeah. We started having a legitimate panic attack on the road and in the store but MULBERRY fronted for a bit to carry us through, she doesn't panic so she got us to calm down enough. When we were in the store and she couldn't quite come out we just rubbed our temples and breathed, it helped. But we're learning to manage everything better.

We got home and... I don't remember. I know we ate at some point, but... oh, we made a big lettuce/ spinach/ cucumber/ hempseed salad thing and that's what we were eating today (GOOD) but we were so dissociated from pain/nausea and the house had a lot of noise so we couldn't ground properly enough for Emmett to eat.
Anyway. No idea what really happened there.

I do remember one of the main-social "girls" (close to the Jewel bloodline? from when it started to split i think) because she kept trying to eat raisins (which make us sick) and didn't understand that it did make us sick because she had no data and was just compulsively eating anyway? But yeah, Genesis ghosted and kept yelling at her to stop but she wouldn't (too dazed) so he actually reached out and tried to take the food off her and put it down and it WORKED. Like... that isn't the first time that's happened either, where ghosters can physically affect fronters on a semi-tangible level. It's so hard to put into words. But it worked instantly and the shock of it made that certain social really pause and reconsider what ze was doing, so.
Either way, just the reality of having that happen gave us a lot of hope. It... put a lot more genuine weight into our existence's reflection on the daily life, so to speak. That's a tangled sentence. It reminded us of the fact that we're real and we have an effect on the world and each other and we need to stop doubting. That sort of thing.
We are resonating better lately, a lot.

The evening was rough but I refuse to give it any more attention because we're ALL trying this new method in the face of previous method failure, and it ties directly into our favorite quote of the moment:
"remember that every fire will burn itself out, even without your help."
Like Celebi says, don't water the bad seeds!
So maybe we can get Vixie on this one. Don't feed the bad flames. Let them burn out. Don't give them fuel, and eventually they'll just exhaust themselves.
That's been proven true, actually. So that's solid hope, and determination. We can do it.

Learn from mistakes, dust yourself off, get up and keep walking. Laurie's leading the way. She's so sick of this pain, she can't deal with it, she's learned that she can't fight this the way she used to, it doesn't work... but this is, so far, and so she's 100% willing to be the soldier in the front of the line, keeping everyone moving forwards, finally back in battle the right way, protecting and forging a path both. A knight in shining armor.

So now Jewel's chilling on Soundcloud and typing about Dream World and Nogaisa stuff (which is AWESOME) so we're coping.

Jigaria fronted for a while today on the highway home?? Which was interesting. She's the one of the Dream Guardians that feels the most distant for whatever reason, so having her click in practically was hugely helpful. Jewel should be able to properly write for her now that we know what her vibe honestly feels like.

The headache is settling down so we'll probably have work tomorrow and the sad thing is that although we love our job, we're so tired that we're hoping for a day off solely to sleep. We didn't have that luxury today as we woke up to shouting and stress, being yanked out of sleep, so that didn't help our head either. But the bottom line is we need rest, so we'll try to get to bed at 11pm today.

We saw 11:11 at least four times today and that always feels like a hug of faith from the universe so we're lifting our head to the sun and smiling as we march on now. It's very... reassuring? Motivating? It's like a "you're doing good, kid, keep it up" sort of statement, both uplifting and warning at once? But totally a good thing.

Vigilance. That's one of Laurie's favorite words. Always be vigilant. Don't ever let the lanterns go out. Keep shining, keep walking.

humansofnewyork: "I ran away to California for a week without telling anyone. I wanted to remove myself from everything, to see if I could work out some things in my head. But it actually created more problems. I learned it doesn’t really work that way."
"How do you mean?"
"Just that if you can’t figure out your problems in your present circumstances, you’re probably not going to figure them out by running away from them."

I moved out-of-state three times for this reason, and had to return due to my 'problems' becoming monstrous as a result. So this rings very true.
Your problems are within you. No change in physical location will change that.
Problems, troubles, pains, will all resurface, over and over, until you can heal them and let them go. That's a fact of life.
Ultimately, you really do just need to face them head-on, and deal with whatever happens from there. One day at a time.

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@ 12:21 am

We had at least five total-integration attempts over the past 12 months. Unfortunately they were all instigated by less-than-benevolent individuals, and were more concerned about destroying people than really integrating healthily.
But yeah, somehow, we survived. The first two attempts actually made our dissociation much worse. Our System member count has tripled from what it was in 2012, solely because half of us didn’t show our faces until our entire inner world was shaken to its core with those attempts.

...It is a very common occurrence in our System for people to “die and come back,” in as little as minutes to as long as several years. Our headspace seems to have a permament rule of thumb that, “if someone is needed, they will not— and cannot— stay dead, for the sake of everyone else.” Some people have tried to stay dead (notably Javier), but ultimately, yeah, the System itself will bring them back IF AND WHEN they are needed to be alive. If they were supposed to integrate, or disappear, or otherwise fade away… then they will stay gone.

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@ 01:32 am

Just a quick note.
Headspace/heartspace tends to snap back with a bang when it's been ignored for a while, usually with a surge of dark things from under the surface too. It forces focus, really.
So this evening, we had a legit hack. Scared us all badly. Haven't had one of those since... mid-December? I think? Don't remember. Could be sooner, but no memory. Anyway nothing this bad since Javier died, I would wager. Most of us thought it had stopped permanently, but no, there are still OLD deep roots. So this revealed those at least.
In short: the perpetrator was a splinter. We thought they died in 2011! But no, this was clearly and undeniably the same guy. So the System is pretty shaken up, we didn't expect this at all, especially not now. But there it is.

As a result a bunch of people came out today, for the first time in weeks.

First, we have a ton of people tied to eating disorders, but the head honcho finally showed her face for good today. She calls herself "The Destroyer." She's also right on the fence between being benevolent or malevolent, what with her anchor being what it is. We'll write more about her tomorrow.

Infi was out for about five minutes in the evening. Ze's the only reason we got through this without a total meltdown, as he managed to redirect the hacker intent at the last second.

The "Victorian pink" girl finally revealed herself (we've been suspecting her). She is human, strongly tied to OLD trauma, and seems stuck around age 13-14. She's very wounded emotionally and is obviously traumatized from abuse. She also seems totally unaware of headspace, with her focus being solely on the horror and pain she is mentally stuck in reliving right now. She's also markedly suicidal, in a desperately frantic sense, which is obviously a major concern.

Sylvain's brother was out shortly, to chase someone bad away. Good to know he's still able to front.

Some new but shockingly solid green girl was out, fighting shadows in the downstairs bedroom with scissors. She's non-human (somewhat demonic actually?), but fiercely benevolent, and seems to be a protector. We're going to try and find her inside ASAP, as Green people are rare and we definitely need her help right now.

Overload was also out temporarily, to forcibly tell the A.P. not to try and trigger any body memories. She was surprisingly powerful in forbidding anyone from even trying to move the body at the time.

Lastly, Mulberry and Knife both co-fronted for a few minutes before we detached from the situation entirely and went online. Mulberry was trying to clear any lingering hack energy from the environment, to keep any bad triggers from jumping up during the night, and Knife was making sure no one tried to self-abuse or otherwise harm the body (as there were some very strong inclinations and attempts to).

After all that we did a headcount and we're at 60 now, as far as stable and identified people go. To think, back in 2012 there were barely 20 of us known. But it's nicer now, with everyone. There are so many good people in here, we love them. We all love each other really, that's the thing that keeps us going even when bad nights like this happen, because they will. Blood and sunshine, my friends. Y'need both.

That's it for tonight. Battery is almost gone, we need sleep anyway.
Dreams lately have been very enlightening (and headspace people are showing up in them lucidly again!) but we haven't posted them online yet. Also a few more audio notes to post to the archives once someone stops being afraid to listen to them. Doubt is a terrible thing, when it affects the existences of others.
Nevertheless it's late and we're tired and typing nonsensically isn't helping anyone. Have a good night.

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@ 01:54 am

It's odd, but moving nevertheless.

Five years after finding her, by some glorious accident, that photograph of her illuminated face is one of the only things that can restore my hope in a single instant.
She's become a sort of intangibly eternal monument to the purity of inspiration, and of the inherent beauty in all things. Does that make sense in words?
Looking at her, even now, after so much has changed... the reality of her existence still makes me believe, with total surrendering conviction, that my own existence isn't anywhere near as dark as I may feel it is.

How odd. But how lovely, too.

(Some thoughts after reading multiplicity posts on Tumblr)

Jay here; when I'm tuned in to headspace, I get "pseudo-sensory" input very clearly as well. Besides sights and sounds, I also get 'phantom' sights and presences; I can always tell when Genesis has showed up in the room, or if someone upstairs has just moved physically closer to me when I'm fronting. It's virtually tangible, to the point where I've started keeping a list of "who feels like what" so I know who those myriad sensations come from. Since its so immersive, there can be significant leakage if it isn't sharply kept inside... but after years of being forced to do that via a survival-mechanism "buffer system," we've become so tired of the suppression that we're now actively trying to dismantle it, just to be able to experience everything without censorship.

In the past, our personal life situation practically required us all to live internally instead of externally whenever possible, so internal sensations are arguably more "real" to me than outer ones are, most days. Plus I do meditate whenever possible so that helps boost my perception, but I tend to end up "lost in headspace" for 2+ hours solid during some meditations, and that can be very tiring. (The perception during those is INTENSE though! I have notable trouble distinguishing those memories from physical ones.)
Meditation also can spike depersonalization when I'm in the body (ironically I only tend to ground "upstairs"), so I have to be careful, as I'm dissociated enough on a daily basis.
Being able to perceive headspace like this is so important and vital to me that, when I lose my perception-- either to meds or psychological fallout-- it's actually existentially frightening.

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@ 11:24 am

TRACK 67

(Lynne) All right, I'm, not sure how to start this, but, this is Lynne Stabelle. Uh, Jay, if you're hearing this I simply wanted to leave a message for you on your voice recorder, because I'm fronting. It's Tuesday, after your therapy session, 11:24, in the morning… I know you like having timestamps. Um… Genesis says "move the microphone closer." *laugh* I guess road noise would drown me out. Fronting-- I want to remind you, Jay, I'm fronting right now, and we have currently… have this idea where, when I'm fronting I say, "I am Lynne Stabelle-- my name is Lynne Stabelle, my color is Orange, I have long orange hair, orange eyes, an orange dress… I am female, and a headvoice." And… that-- see, saying "I am female," somebody is, yelling "dysphoria"… but I am! I am a woman… but I am a headvoice as well, so, they don't need to feel threatened by me… but they do. Yes, Genesis said "but they do." And they do, and they shouldn't… but, that's true. So there are people… hiding below the surface… when we front, and that's why it's difficult to anchor. Laurie fronted for most of the session today *laugh*… just reminding you, in case you forget… 'cause she did, I'm proud of her. I should try, that would be fun… I don't-- I'm on the highway, I can't slip. Um, I'm going to hit stop, because, I'd like other people to talk, but, as I said, I'm currently driving your car, we are driving down Interstate 81, behind a… what's that? It's a tanker. Not a truck. It says (unintelligible, trying to sound out something)… whatever it is! *laugh* It's snowing, I got to drive through Scranton for a little bit, which is where I was born… and… I'm going to stop because I am slipping. Uh, *short sigh* Have a good day, Jay, whenever you hear this. I'm really slipping, bye.

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@ 06:56 pm

Figured out how to bypass the buffer during therapy-- get me to front, heheh.
I had to shove the A.P. aside to get out but it's cooperative, and I had important things to say. Therefore, progress was made, heck yes.
Feels good to be out though. Haven't fronted in front of other people in over a year, s'far as I can remember.

I swear even the therapist chills out when I'm around, it's awesome.

-LU

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@ 11:04 pm

Today has been an absolute roller coaster, so let's fill you in on that before the night is up.

- first let me just say that if you read our recent posts, there was apparently a MAJOR hack on the 4th, concerning Infinitii of all people, that no one mentioned here (jay tried to memory-purge it out of shock). surprisingly laurie is the one who wrote about it, as she rarely gets through to update personally. either way, when we feel capable of reviewing that event, we will write about it here for the sake of personal comprehension (not tonight for sure). clearly, the consequences of it were crushingly significant and painful, and so ignoring it will only harm us all.

- related, jay is trying to figure out his personal memories. he was talking to laurie about it last night and he said that his personal memories seem to pick up NOT immediately post-scratch, but post-lockout. he "cannot remember a time when the undergrounders were not around." we are wondering if this means he was "born" before or after the reset, because in early august he is only aware of things dimly, not as a fronter but a distant observer. we will try to pinpoint this, as he tends to splinter, and we would like to know who we are dealing with, and when, for the sake of everyone's well-being.

- as of last night the other two data voices (besides kalisha) have found their names: isadora and garrison. again, isadora is confirmed sub-violet, but garrison is somewhere between green and blue. we're wondering if he actually fits under teal. jay made an avatar for isadora today, but he "still cannot see garrison," and "can't find kalisha's hair." either way it is good to hear that he is picking them up a little more clearly visually now.

- we had a therapy session this morning, for the first time since before thanksgiving. because of how charged recent events have been, we collectively decided that we needed to breach the big topic at last and start discussing the sexual abuse, for the sake of healing it. HOWEVER with all the progress we've been making over the past several months, we were shocked when we realized that, when it came to finally discussing it, there was nowhere near as much trauma as there was with it even this time last year. this is somewhat ironic, as our triggers are far worse and far more numerous, but we also have enough understanding to not be completely devastated by every one of them. our recovery time is better.

- the a.p. fronted for a good part of therapy, saying that since no one held the actual abuse memories (that we were aware of), it was "stored as data" so it was the person to come out and simply recite it. the therapist kept asking "what do you think," etc., and the a.p. was literally incapable of asking those questions, it kept looking to us for replies. it did admit who it was at one point and the therapist said she figured that's who was talking.
- knife attempted to front, but struggled spectacularly with language so he had to pull out as it was forcing him to slip badly. jayce also tried to, but he has no understanding of that data so he left. it went back to the a.p. for a while but then the therapist said something about "choosing to be asexual," as opposed to being so naturally, and who forced their way out to talk but laurie.
- so yeah laurie fronted for about 15 minutes? which was awesome. she helped clarify a lot of things, gave insight into the situation upstairs, etc. incredibly productive thanks to her explaining it firsthand, as she works with jay and sees what he goes through. she mentioned the sex/affection conflict due to pink corruption, the perspectives we now had with the truth of that (mostly thanks to infi), and her previous no-vulnerability problem. she also made it clear that many triggers were "innocuous" on the outside, and yet still lethal internally, which was a huge problem.
- hilariously at the end, the therapist said she was okay with profanity, just "don't flip any tables." laurie laughed and said she wouldn't be taking an axe to the furniture, don't worry. the therapist responded amusedly that pillow-throwing was allowed but that was about it. unfortunately laurie says she was slipping badly at that point so there was no further banter, which is a shame because that's great stuff
- genesis was lounging on the couch this whole time we'd like to note, it was also snowing outside which was very reassuring

- driving home was a mess thanks to all the session switching. laurie let jay back in, so he tried to drive at first, but couldn’t get a grip. mulberry took over for a minute, but since she's never driven before she got confused and had to leave. so the trip home is actually largely missing from the memory-- which is a first-- because no one was out for most of it. thankfully genesis stuck around so there were not any accidents as he was keeping things under control from outside as he always does.
- lynne fronted for a little while once we hit the main city, she has one very clear memory of a certain street and the snow. she also left a message on the voice recorder saying hello to jay, which took him by surprise when he got home. notably, she mentioned that when fronting, if she clearly said "I am Lynne Stabelle, my color is Orange," etc. and described herself, it helped her anchor in better, as it strengthened her energy overlay. everyone has problems with dysphoria because there is a negative voice anchored to the body itself, and so having attention brought to it tends to catch the attention of said voice, who tries to shove everyone else out in anger. we are wondering if there is any way to change this, even if it involves getting the a.p. to adopt a body-resembling face temporarily to bring attention to it instead.
-after that genesis called javier in, as he's considered our "grounding voice" and so gen assumed he'd be able to front. he showed up, but although he could drive and stay in no problem, he couldn't really see? even after he focused in energetically, nothing was registering visually. so there's really no memory transferred from him, although there is clear data that he was out for the vast majority of the drive from that point on.

- the evening is a blur for one huge reason: somewhere around noon, julie slipped. she fronted, and caused a hack. however that terminology doesn't quite fit-- because she was responsible for it personally, and infinitii was also involved. the latter point is why it doesn't strictly qualify as a hack; infinitii prevented her from becoming lost in any tar or plague, even if he didn't prevent the actual situation. however, despite the jarring consequences of that being allowed to happen, it DID have a positive aftereffect in that it allowed Julie to gain a complete perspective of her own motivations, which she never had before, due to not having a key piece of the puzzle, so to speak. (this is almost identical to jay's situation, and shows that the both of them were used similarly by the tar.) unfortunately, despite this vital lesson, julie was still emotionally devastated and existentially tired, and surprisingly she actually went to sleep, saying she wanted "someone else to take over" when she woke up, as she didn't want to deal with waking life anymore at that time. she slept for at least 3 hours and there is data of suffering a dream hack, which is not surprising. julie TRIED to fight it off-- again noteworthy as those usually catch jay when he is incapacitated but julie was not-- but failed. whether this was due to despair or being overpowered we do not know.
- also, remember that after the meltdown on the 5th, atonement has been FORBIDDEN until better methods are found. so this incident was more harmful than usual as a result.

- upon waking we do not know who took over. data picks up with jay in the kitchen, talking to julie, laurie, and infi upstairs. julie explained how she had been affected, laurie tried to comfort jay as he was badly shaken by the fact of the situation (we all share a body but he's the core so he feels the worst of it whether he likes it or not), and infinitii helped everyone from falling into despair concerning that. therapy talk came up again, jay said he was actually angry about the abuse topic as he didn't want to admit that he had been a victim of that in the past. laurie said he had to though, and also stop seeing sexuality as "always evil" as a result, as it wasn't, it was neutral. she and jay reviewed his perspective on this briefly, but jay concluded with admitting that he could no longer view reproduction as "evil," ever, because even if the act could be used traumatically, its function stayed the same-- life creation. and that gave him hope, that it had a neutral core that was still purely benevolent. but even then the only thing that kept him from giving in to hatred was the fact that infinitii was technically xenophon's mother in that respect, the only positive figure of that sort that he'd ever known. and since he loved both infi and his stepdaughter so much, and realized that her creation via sexuality had NOT been evil or traumatic, he couldn't universally generalize anymore. and that was actually helping him let go of the trauma, as previously he was convinced he had suffered an "irredeemable wrong" and was therefore equally corrupted permanently by it, which was false but he believed it entirely.
- side note, julie said she wanted to "date infi" if that was okay, because she had a better grip on her own thought processes now, thanks to him allowing her to directly realize that she didn't have to be ruled by "compulsory" lust, as she was for a long time, as there were other things she now understood and wanted more than that (mainly intimacy, which she actually avoided for most of her life). jay laughed and said that was fine, infi could "date" everyone in headspace and it wouldn't bother him, besides that was infi's choice. infinitii said he was fine with it too, besides by his function he pretty much loved everyone in headspace already.

- the rest of the evening is a total blur, up until around 8-9pm? all we know is that jay was in his room, and got trapped in a negative mindscape where he was effectively being sold as a prostitute against his will. this obviously proved to be a hack, as he tried to escape and the JMB trio jumped on him, along with the tar ITSELF. we don’t know details of this, all jay said is that he called for infi, but bridget clamped a hand over his mouth and told him to shut up, they wouldn't let anyone save him. nevertheless jay kept trying and infi did manage to "break through" to save him literally at the last minute, dragging him upstairs. he got laurie to help him help jay recuperate, but jay was deeply shaken and completely disoriented.
- major trigger warning here, for system people too… this got much worse when jay suddenly realized that the body was actually bleeding as a result of the abuse. this triggered one of the FIRST abuse memories on record, and since jay was incapable of handling that he dissociated entirely and began sobbing from shock. laurie immediately said "I'll bloody kill them" and told infi to send her back there, but he said no, it was too dangerous alone. so laurie went to "get backup," and soon returned with sugar and algorith.
- almost instantly after the trauma memories hit though, people started switching in and out in the body-- cannon was in for a moment, caught between hysteric rage and suicidal anguish, but she got pushed out by a numb fronter. and this kept happening. jeremiah, sugar, algorith, and even laurie herself ALL tried to front to try and keep things from unraveling, but some deeply-rooted numb person kept shoving them all out. sure enough it was the "dead red" boy who we first pinpointed this spring. laurie tried to talk to him but he proved incapable of reacting to anything, even "shake your head for yes or no." he would hear but have no impetus to move at all, being that detached.
- importantly, when jeremiah fronted, he began sobbing that he couldn’t be in that body, "please get me out." but before he did he got the data that it was bleeding, and he immediately shouted for knife. knife ran to respond, but when he realized that the body was bleeding from trauma, he was shaken. how in the world could the retributors atone for this, if the blood itself had been used for evil? no one knew what to do, they were terrified.
- anyway infi was still trying to calm jay down but he was freaking out, understandably so. he was again convinced that he had been "broken beyond all hope of healing" but was still trying to purge all awareness of the event from his memory, traumatized by the reality of it. laurie was still righteously pissed and demanded that infi take them back to wherever they had just saved jay from, as she refused to let that go unpunished. infi said he would, but only if he was sure jay would be safe alone. who would they leave to watch over him? however before they could make a decision, there was a sound from outside and we realized the mother was home. immediately the angry downstairs voice jumped into fronting, screaming with rage, saying "I refuse to deal with that bitch on top of everything else!!" laurie tried to explain that they were trying to cope with a rape situation upstairs, don't go shoving that aside, but that voice said "I'm upset about that too but I can't get confused or I'll fracture." either way they decided to isolate themselves in our room, so that is where they went.

- this is where most of the night went. infi and the three protectors went to fight the tar, while the angry downstairs voice went to our room to try and calm down. however, they became exasperated and shortly left, leaving jay behind alone. now jay did not detach entirely, and he was very scared, from not only pain but also from being alone all of a sudden. desperate for contact he took an old sketchbook and wrote a message on a page, asking for someone to please talk to him, he didn't want to feel so isolated when he was that terrified. surprisingly, the only response he got was "NO," written by the dead red voice. but this proved to be only the beginning, as jay kept trying to talk, and when laurie got back, she joined in… as did the angry voice from before. and so there are literally EIGHTEEN PAGES of text in the sketchbook that will need to be scanned in tomorrow. I apologize for the odd sentence structure of that paragraph but seriously that is SURREAL to notice on your desk in the evening! it hasn't been read yet but as it is 12:34 in the morning that is not a job for tonight.

- that’s it for today I guess. this is jayce, hiya, just popping in to close this up, laurie just caught me and is motioning for me to "get outta there." uh she also said the rapists took my hat?? what?? the tar people literally took my hat for some reason. well that's got me mad. I'm gonna leave, I want to find out why.

- Hey readers, Laurie here. I hope the AP covered everything 'cause I am not going back and reviewing that text wall on top of how much I already had to do this evening.
Jay's a mess right now, but at least he's not sobbing his eyes out like Infi was the other day (What a heart-crushing parallel that is). He's… fragmented, is all. He breaks into all these tiny pieces when he gets hurt, pieces that don't remember anything and can't interact with the world outside. It's a coping mechanism and it doesn't work at all in the big picture because then he gets stuck in those states and then no one knows who they're talking to. It’s a pain in the neck, as I said earlier.
But I gotta go talk to him before he goes to work. His boss is probably gonna wonder what the heck happened, I hate to be the bearer of bad news but maybe he can help, I don't even know. I'm just ticked off and tired of what's been happening lately. I know December is the resurrection month but man I wish it didn't drag zombies out into the open as well.
Still, I've got a job to do, and that is punching those zombies in the face. Wait, no, that's Algorith's thing now. But you get the picture.
I'm closing this up for the night. Sorry for all the depressing stuff, but the awfully ironic silver lining in this is that it's forced us all to work together a little more closely now. Isn't that just hilarious? In a morbid way, obviously. Trauma forces us to be a family. Geez. I wish we didn't need that to feel so strongly brought together, because I'm telling you, I am sick of it.
Like I said though. I've got a sick and scared boy to take care of, and a reality-hopping nightcapped dude here to explain stuff to. See you later.

Stream-of-consciousness entry for today as a LOT happened, since we were out of the house.

- shopping day, started out hilariously. we ended up talking about those "novi stars" dolls some young social got obsessed with the other day, I said I did love vera tabray's design, but the fashion-centered personality she apparently had didn't sit well with me? laurie asked me to explain that, but as I did, she retorted every line with a totally different perspective that made me realize I was actually being very judgmental, and kind of shallow; who cares if vera loved fashion, that was her choice, and it didn't make her (or anyone else) less of a person. that was humbling, I sincerely apologized, i didn't realize i was doing that. laurie said to be careful and not judge people just because I couldn't understand them from my own immediate viewpoint; if that happened again, she said, go and tell her about it and she'd help open my eyes, as she always did. but yeah, the reason that worked is because vera is a very fashion-conscious alien, but I forgot that laurie unironically thinks fashion is awesome. she said jo got her to appreciate it at first, but only he is actually interested in buying stuff-- laurie only likes the aesthetics, and actually has a great eye for it. anyway we then called jo in to continue the line of thought, jo got really excited about the dolls (he said they were super adorable), said he'd love to have one if he could find one he resonated with. I know at some point waldorf snuck in to see what jo was up to, she started teasing him about mlp ponies again (she wants him to get one to match hers), really we were all cracking up at this point. the funniest bit to me was that I had the novi stars jingle stuck in my head, jo started trying to hum it, laurie said she was going to figure out the words specifically to troll me with it.

- we had to stop at several places today, for price checks, groceries, and the like, so we had to manage our time very carefully. genesis was hanging out with me in the car, because I refused to put music on as I knew it would make me dissociate. I know we stopped at the local walmart first, because we walked down the toiletries aisle and I saw a sign that said "razors." well sure enough, razor tried to front, asking "why are they selling razors here?" mulberry and knife tried to explain that some humans used them to cut hair on their face, but razor was baffled by that because all the scruffy-faced men upstairs don't shave, and why would you use a razor to cut hair anyway? so that was rather amusing.

- about an hour later, we were stopping in another wal-mart for a price comparison, but we were getting VERY switchy due to the typical overload of being in public places (honestly we can't stay out for more than 3 hours or we become incapable of functioning). so whoever was fronting decided to call JAVIER to front, as he is awesome at grounding. so we managed to quickly find him and he took over for a bit. for a second he didn't know what he was doing-- there's an image flash of him standing in an aisle and saying "I literally have no idea what this stuff is even for"-- but immediately "george" spoke up and gave him the gist of things, telling him to just follow his lead as far as directions went. I don't know how long javier fronted, due to the instability of my own awareness at the time, but he had no trouble anchoring into the body and actually bypassed the lightheadedness for a while, which I am glad to see.

-looking back on that event, I've realized that the "logic voice trio" has a very interesting job; they tend to "watch out" for whoever is currently fronting, and when there's fast switching or confusion as to what we're supposed to be doing, they will give data and guidance to prevent total disaster. that's actually an incredibly helpful thing for us to have going on, in light of how troublesome switching would otherwise be for everyone!

- oh yeah, we had to stop at a toys r' us to check those novi stars for jo-- he even tried to front for a bit, but he wanted to look at everything and it was getting disorienting. hilariously, they had a nita light doll there, the first time we'd seen that one-- and not only did she glow in the dark, but she also had this brilliant purple hair. I laughed and showed laurie, she looked at it for a second, then said "that is fucking awesome, now you're making me want one." jo thought this was hilarious, started teasing her about it, but laurie said she was serious, that was really cute, too bad it was exorbitantly expensive. jo then asked me to show him some of the monster high dolls, as he was interested in what they looked like, and then waldorf insisted we look at the mlp aisle. laurie said we were wasting time now as we couldn't buy this stuff anyway, but really we were just having fun and couldn't actually get angry about any of it.

- there was one instant I remember when we were in a kmart (still switchy so it's blurry); some ad came on the speakers where a kid said "hi, I'm david," and instantly david spoke up from inside, saying "that's not what I sound like," very confused. knife reassured him and said it was another little boy named david, not to worry. I also remember that, when I left the store, I remembered that the Undergrounders love the view from the parking lot (seriously it's at a high point so from up there, you can see the surrounding local cities all around you in the hills), so I impulsively jumped up on the back bumper of the van and hung on with one arm, laughing as I looked out at the mountains from that extra bit of height, sending them the imagery. it was an instant of spontaneity that is extremely rare for us (thanks to having that darn buffer always going), and it felt pretty brilliant actually.

- after that we stopped at the health food store; we bought more gingers for celebi, as well as colored tea candles for the other Centralites-- except Waldorf, as they had no blue ones in stock. She said that was okay, but Jo got really sad about that, and I peripherally saw him hug her sincerely in response. I also got some peppermints for myself because I am addicted to minty things, when we walked outside genesis goaded me to try one on the spot, I did and they were great. gen impatiently asked if they were worth getting, I jokingly said "this is the best decision I've made in weeks," he laughed at that too.

- my last major stop was the local farmer's market, for whatever reason there's a quick flash that knife apparently tried to drive on the road down there? but he was getting confused by the road signs, and was paranoid about whether or not he could work the gas pedal correctly? so he didn't stay for long. anyway at the market I bought seven squashes, a big head of lettuce, and a basket of beets, they actually asked me if I was buying for a restaurant. I laughed and said no, I just have a limited diet so I tend to stock up on vegetables. seriously that was super funny to me. also, celebi drove for a bit on the way out, I have one memory flash of her sassily telling genesis "I know how to drive" and munching on one of her gingers. genesis asked "aren't you like twelve" to which she said driving was super easy, anyway the ap took care of most of it, but she "missed flying."

- I was in the mall for a few minutes, I know that because we walked past the same lingerie section julie had drooled over back when she was still on our side, genesis and I both said we wished she hadn't gone bad again. jo pushed us into a hot topic for a minute, but he didn't see anything he liked. amusingly as soon as he said that, genesis literally shoved me out of the store, well as 'literally' as he can when he can't make actual physical contact, but he tried! he knows I tend to get all trance-y and lose time, so he didn't want that happening in there when we really just needed to get home and calm down at this point. however the mall had its big christmas tree up in the middle, gen wanted to go see it, so we walked over and admired it for a bit. I pointed to a corner store and said that last night, I had suddenly remembered that there was a store there in my youth called "natural wonders," and it was really gorgeous; it had a huge impact on me as a kid but I had literally forgotten about it until now. genesis said he remembered me telling him about it ages ago, but it was cool that I was able to remember it again now, too. genesis did try to "race me" up a ramp on the way back, I joked that I didn't want the mall cops asking me what I was doing, because if I tried to explain that I was racing him they'd "toss me in the loony bin." genesis cracked up, said "a true friend goes to the loony bin with you!" I retorted that it'd be his fault we were in it, but he shrugged and said "still; it'd be worth it for the racing." either way it was hilarious.

- I randomly stopped at a grocery store on the way home, as I'd never been there before and wanted to see what they had. but in one aisle there was a random stand full of beanie babies, one of them was a "2008 holiday bear," but its hat(?) had been torn off, leaving nothing but strings sticking out of it, so it just looked like a plain disheveled brown bear now. surprisingly-- or not-- as soon as I went to turn away, minty jumped in, said she wanted to save it. I said we couldn't save every bear ever, but she was making puppy dog eyes at me, said it looked sad and hurt, and she could use it as a messenger, it would be happy if it was important instead of abandoned. I considered this-- I'm a softie when it comes to the requests of system members-- but genesis spoke up and told her no, we didn't have the money to spare. minty pouted, but gen ushered me out before I gave in.

- I am vaguely aware that both zwei and einsatz fronted on the way home? zwei was trying to sing but got miffed as there were no songs on with lyrics she knew. she was talking to genesis but I don't know about what. however, then "woohoo (fkj remix)" came on and she said her brother would love it, so she switched out and let einsatz in. genesis was trying to tell them not to switch while driving, especially since einsatz tends to get lost in the music like I do. what stands out about this is that einsatz seemed unable to talk unless he was lip-syncing lyrics? he kept trying to apologize to genesis but didn't know how, was grasping for sign language but we have no data for that so he was trying to at least give the impression. genesis was surprised, asked if he was mute? einsatz shrugged, he didn't seem sure either, but he made it apparent that he wasn't able to converse like his sister. either way he checked out after a minute or two and I know for a fact that jayce took over, as we had one more grocery store to stop at for an errand. I know he was talking to the logic voices in the store, but when he's out memory is hard for me to access so I can't really tell you what else he did.

- unfortunately, when we got home the mother was there, and as a result we weren't able to unwind thanks to the massive stress and noise she brings with her. so the entire evening is a total nauseous blur, sorry about that.

- memory picks up at… 8pm? 5 hours after we got home, mind. literally, all I know is that we were in the bedroom, and suddenly sugar was fronting, screaming and swearing "don't you fucking dare" at some unknown offender. then she called knife, he asked what was wrong? she said we were almost hacked (WHAT), then stormed into the kitchen and started digging on top of the refrigerator for matches. knife worriedly warned her to be careful, what if someone caught her fronting, she couldn't blow our cover or we'd be in major danger. sugar said she didn't care, she was pissed off, and if anyone bothered her she'd answer them honestly. (the mother did try to talk to her, but she refused to respond to the birth name; she walked into the bathroom and nearly started crying, "why does everyone call us THAT name," as it's tied to a very negative individual upstairs.) anyway she took four matchbooks into the bedroom, sat down, said she was going to light the colored candles we bought, to try and re-focus everyone's energy. so she started cutting the plastic off them, carefully-- knife said it was an "honor" to do so as the candles belonged to Central, sugar said she knew-- but when she reached the orange one, she stopped, said she was afraid because that was tied to sexuality. knife said he was afraid of it too, but if it was somehow linked to lynne, he had faith she would manage it safely, without anyone getting hurt. still she didn't want to unwrap it, let alone burn it.

- there's a very strong memory of this next part due to the data involved, so let me write down as much as I can. ultimately, sugar lit the 3 lower color candles (not the violet one; no one wanted to mess with laurie's color without a major reason to), then just sat there to meditate by them-- but she stopped almost immediately, looking shocked, said there was something being triggered by the candles? well, immediately the logic-alter trio spoke up, asked what exactly was triggering it, maybe they could find the memory, or at least open the archives so memories were accessible? so sugar moved above the candles again, eyes closed, catching the heat and light, but she couldn't tell what it was. still, she said it was specifically the heat on her face that felt familiar. so the logics were trying to find a match, told her to do it again-- and the memory flash she then picked up was that of the madrigal dinners from when I was a child. she had no idea what it was save for the name and the fact that it happened in winter, then she paused and suddenly exclaimed "it's fire and ice!" she then tied it to me, said maybe that's why I felt tied to both those elements without conflict, as they both felt like they had strong roots in this old, protective memory? knife seemed intrigued too, he said maybe so. sugar asked if he wanted to see the memory for himself, so he tuned into the memory too, but he got a stronger one-- the memory of holding a small lit white candle in the hands, everyone singing christmas carols, surrounded by warm firelight and shadow and community. it was just a snapshot, but knife actually started tearing up a bit, said "that is beautiful." he asked mulberry if she wanted to see, she said sure. but when she tried to catch the memory, she instead got a memory of when I used to be an altar server, and lit the altar candles in the back room, I think? they were shocked, how many memories were tied to the sensation of flame? knife asked david if he wanted to see what it was like, so he fronted, but instantly someone outside the room made a loud banging noise, scared him out of fronting, he started to cry. knife hugged him and said it was okay, he was safe, that wouldn't hurt him. jeremiah held david's hand for support as he fronted again, he got a different memory too, I think it was another church one? either way someone got the christmas mass image, with all those tiny candle lights illuminating the building. whatever david saw, he calmed down and said it felt "warm and safe," sugar said she had felt that too, it was pretty amazing. then david told marigold to look at it too, she was really panicky and scared, didn't want to get burnt, was actually crying in a hiccupy way when she fronted. the others told her to try talking in the body, to say her name, maybe that would help her anchor in and, but she shook her head as she said that would be scary. so jeremiah held her hand too and david gave her support, and she cautiously moved over to the candles too. again, she got a different memory: surprisingly, the memory of picnics in the local state part, above the fire pits, with the burning charcoal under the grates. she described it as a "metal box with lines in it," outside. it took the logic people a few moments to figure out what it was, but when they got it, everyone was even more amazed. marigold and david asked if they could go there on a picnic, it seemed nice. knife said it was winter now so they couldn't; the only memories they had of that were in summer. but if it was open in the winter, maybe they could try. the last person to front in this was jeremiah, honestly that's moving to look back on-- he immediately got really bad body dysphoria, started getting a panic attack, knife had to talk him through it. then jeremiah kept feeling his face where his beard would be, trying to ground, it did help. but when he moved into the flame, the memory he got was all votive candles, in the basement of the local basilica. and honestly I can't tell you what the reaction was to that, because the next thing I can see is jeremiah cupping his hands around all three candles, tearing up and whispering that the memories were beautiful. but then he actually spoke, his voice breaking, and asked knife if he could pick up the red candle. knife said yes, as long as he was careful. so he did, holding it front of his face, but then he kept trying to touch the flame. knife said he would burn himself, but jeremiah was determined to (although he didn't succeed, either in touching it or getting hurt). either way he said something to the effect of "the flame is so protective, but it still burns." it was just fascination at how it could hold such strong memories of safety and warmth, and still hurt you if you got too close to it. I get the strong impression that he was thinking a lot about javier with this but I cannot tell you anything for sure. oh, I do know that they all picked up on the scent of the red candle then-- all cloves and spice-- and sugar exclaimed that somehow it smelled like christmas. I was aware enough now to step in and confirm that, they asked why? and why was christmas in general such a significant time for everyone upstairs? I said that there was just a lot of spices around christmas that smelled like that, and christmas was a pain-free holiday for me, so that candle held one of the safest scents in the world to me as a result. then I kind of nodded to jeremiah and said that oddly that spiciness did match javier somehow. which was really cool. unfortunately I think someone walked in the room then because the memory cuts off and now it's 1am, whoa what

- I have this weird impression that sherlock fronted for a minute today, at the request of the other data vocies? I think it was with the candles. they needed to find some info and couldn't find it, so they called him in to do so, and he was able to easily. either way, good to see him again, he hasn't been out in a while (due to his bad habit of lording over our therapy sessions; dude I know you like talking shop but we all need to participate in those!).

- oh wait, no, there IS one flash from around 10:30? it's surprising too-- the body is standing at the kitchen table, but SPICE is fronting, making mint tea, breathing that in to calm herself down. and what do you know, minty popped in upstairs, said "that's my favorite tea you know," spice said she did know, she hoped it would help her sleep. minty smiled at the reference, and asked who she was. spice tiredly introduced herself, said she was only fronting because the body was in a lot of pain after whatever we ate earlier, and her job was to take that away from people, but it was depressing. minty looked sad, said she hoped it didn't hurt bad. spice said she could deal with it. then minty paused, said "hey, we both have names of spicy stuff," then added that she had decided they were now friends-- and spice could talk to her whenever she wanted to, if she needed a friend or some support when she was tired or lonely. spice genuinely smiled at that, and thanked her.

- there is also one flash from heaven knows when, of minty underground and THIS FREAKIN' BEAR BEHIND HER. I think he was talking to jayce (who did front for a significant amount of time this evening apparently, but I don't know for what reason), either way the bear was briefly explaining the odd teddy-messenger system he has going on, said it was important? but he was being cryptic, and whoever was talking didn't continue the conversation, so I have no idea what the deal was there. minty said something about a "teddy bear picnic" but she was apparently just referencing something she had heard, and hoped would be fun. still, finally, confirmation that the bear DOES exist!

-lastly TODAY WAS NATHANIEL'S BIRTHDAY! I would have done something for him, but when I peeked upstairs to wish him well, I realized that he was spending the day with leon, so I smiled and let them be. I'm not surprised though; they really love each other, and nat has died so many times that the fact that he still has a 'birthday' to celebrate probably means more to him as a celebration of life than it does to the rest of is. either way happy birthday bro. I remember a time when we all wondered if we'd ever get to see you again, so having you back with us now, happier than ever, really means a lot. may you have many many more years to celebrate!

Okay, so Javier fronted for most of the evening, Jay fronted for therapy, no idea who was manning the house between then and there.
Anyway, here are updates, because they are needed.

- Therapy today was different than usual, but incredibly beneficial as a result. Since our therapist is on vacation next week, we used this session to discuss what we would do during the downtime. Jay began to explain how we had both coping and grounding methods, as well as lots of Leaguework to do as always, so he wasn't worried about management... but then he followed that off on a tangent, and spent the next half hour basically explaining why he was so in awe of that fact. Think about it, he said: when this all started, so many years ago, we had so many dark days and we were terrified... but now, look at us. Look at our progress, look how we've grown. He specifically said that he was "proud of all of us" and effectively said we were all undying sources of light and hope for him, no matter how lost he felt, he couldn't ignore that fact. At one point he said that "when it gets really dark, then it's easier to see the stars when they come out." Basically he showed a great deal of stability and understanding, which is a relief, as he's been a mess lately. Oh yeah. And he did admit, that his "function" in the System is to simply love, and to teach others how to do that unconditionally, explaining how he started with befriending Laurie and now that compassion is rubbing off on everyone. However, he DID also mention that when he becomes unstable, or when he is hacked, or when other things happen to that effect, his ability to love is the first thing that gets blocked, or corrupted, or hidden. This is a problem we are all aware of, but we're glad he apparently understands that it's not an "unhealable flaw," it's only a temporary setback, and his real capacity to feel true, innocent love and compassion is not hindered in the slightest.

- After therapy, we went to the waiting room for a minute to regroup, where we caught sight of a small "gratitude jar" on a shelf there. David spoke up that he'd like to write something for it, but the "buffer" (who we still know little about) was trying to get him not to, as it would "be socially unusual." (Screw that, honestly.) But then Laurie surprised us by fronting on her own, and writing a message to the same effect. She is usually not so open about her undying affection for the rest of the System, so that meant a lot to everyone. She then gave David permission to write his, which he then folded into a paper airplane and stuffed into the gratitude jar alongside Laurie's.

- Upon leaving, of course we all listened to this song to remind us where we stand (it's tradition). Then Jay said he felt stable enough to drive today, and since we had errands to run from Tuesday this was good. So Genesis showed up to ghost with him, and we headed off to Wegmans as it was closer.

- Okay, Jay here, or at least trying to be? (I'm rather unstable this evening so forgive any weirdness in my typing.) Okay, so, upon leaving therapy, Genesis had me wear my hoodie up to "be a gangsta" which cracked me up, you know what he's like. But he ghosted because having him around keeps me from slipping out of fronting, or getting panic attacks. And, infamously I tend to get both in public situations, also crushing fatigue if I'm not careful (energy overload we think). But we didn't spend long in Wegmans, partly because Laurie kept yelling at me not to get distracted with looking at products that were not on our list. The first thing we got was roasted seaweed for Emmett, as that's the only store we can get it at anymore. But then of course Celebi wanted her gingermints, seriously she was hilariously adamant about it, but they didn't carry them there. However, in looking for it, we stumbled across a bag of dried mulberries. I smiled at that, asked Mulberry upstairs if she would want to try her namesake, see what it was like? She was momentarily stunned, actually; she didn't expect us to buy anything for her, especially not such a significant thing. She couldn't give us a solid yes or no, but Knife spoke up and said she deserved to have something bought for her too. She was still a little flustered (which was adorable imo because she usually tries so hard to be professional) but she let us take it with us. However, when we got to the checkout I thought "you know what, the health food store probably has these cheaper," so we set it aside. Then off we went to the next town!

- Health food store time, Genesis always follows me there anyway so it was just like old times. I decided to visit the second level of the store on a whim, I was feeling so brighthearted from therapy that honestly I wanted to see if there was anything up there that people wanted, since very few people in the System actually eat food. Well, first thing, they have these blown glass bubbles, ridiculously expensive but really pretty, so I told Infinitii to take a look. He was all wide-eyed over them but we both sadly agreed we couldn't drop $40+ on one. Next they had gemstone bracelets, the same kind Jewel used to wear all the time as a kid, but she said she was fine with the ones she had. I spent a few minutes eyeing the stones and pyramids and windchimes and things because I like staring at pretty things, but Laurie pushed me to get moving. So I did, however the next shelf I walked by was all chakra candles. I of course had to smell them, ended up laughing because the purple ones were all amazing and that's Laurie's color, I said she was lucky. I then wondered if the other candle scents were similar to energy scents in any way, so I checked them out. Surprisingly, Red, Orange, Yellow, and Indigo were all very close vibe-wise; Green I don't know enough about, and Blue was a little too flowery I think. But even more surprising was the fact that immediately, I heard LEON ask if I could get one green and one indigo tea candle. Immediately I go upstairs, when the heck did Leon get back?? (He's been missing since the reset!) Laurie said that early this morning (like 3AM early), she decided she'd had enough with not knowing where her spectrum-neighbor was, and so she and Infinitii went down to a raw energy level or something? Apparently Infi was able to focus really strongly on the Indigo energy resonance, and he and Laurie were therefore able to "pull" Leon straight out of vague headspace, as they were working as active anchor strengtheners, I suppose. I got a mental image flash of Laurie and Infi in this white expanse somewhere, definitely under the city, and reaching up to do just that. But I'm glad he's back in any case; Laurie has actually been freaking out for the past week over not knowing where he's been. So, back on topic, I said of course I'd get him the candles if he wanted. But then he said why he wanted them: since Laurie used anchor-strengthening to get him back, what if we had to do the exact same thing for Nathaniel to return? I wondered about that for a moment, mostly because it insinuated that there was not enough love around for him to re-manifest. That made sense in a scary way, because if anything's been the target of the Tar/Plague lately, it's been our capacity to clearly feel and recognize compassion. But, if anyone can give enough love for Nat to come back, it would be Leon, for obvious reasons. So I picked up the candles and circled back around, but passed a bunch of glittery metal coins in a box. I looked to see what they were (glitter is cool yo), and the instant I realized they were angel-themed, Christina actually bumped me over to start looking at them. Surprised yet again, I asked her if she liked them? She didn't really reply, but picked out one with a cross on it and Matthew 19:26 on the back, and said she wanted me to get it for her. She said that in such a determined voice, but I said of course I'd get it, as long as she truly liked it, it was hers. At that her expression crumpled and she actually hugged me, thanking me repeatedly. She explained that the fact that I was willing to buy her such a thing, a small act of existential validation, meant more to her than she could say, since a few weeks ago I had admittedly viewed her in a less-than-positive light. I smiled at that too, this was more proof of what I had mentioned in-session, the constant bettering of the System. Anyway after this I asked Wally and Jo if they wanted anything? Jo thought about getting more bells but decided to wait until Christmas (he likes jingle bells best), and Wally said the same as she likes Christmas lights and would like lead-free blue LEDs if I could find some. So there we go.

- We found Celebi's ginger candy by the checkout, hilariously the default flavor is in her Spectrum color (take a look), she saw that and demanded we get it on the spot, haha.

- Driving home, there was one instant that stuck in memory, and that was coming over the highway bridge to the main city, where we got stuck at a light at the perfect time. It was a cloudy rainy day today, and so the sky was fantastic. That point alone was relevant; here was what people considered dreary weather, and yet look at how beautiful the sky looks. Chaos actually saw the best bit of it before anyone else-- to our left, the clouds were white and stretched across the sky so smoothly they looked like glass, all in layers, amidst the fluffier grey clouds. It looked almost like a wave on the shore, it really was incredible. So we all looked at that, and at the vivid blue shining in one corner of the sky, and we were all so glad to be alive really.

- The rest of the trip home is a blur, I was feeling sick so I literally just let myself dissociate out and I think a few socials stepped in because I clearly remember "coming back" at one point and not knowing where the past few minutes had gone.

- The next thing I clearly remember is moving aside to let Mulberry front for a minute in the kitchen, to try the actual mulberries of course. Her first impression was the expected shock of "whoa so that's what it's like to taste things," but then she smiled and laughed, a little sadly, and said "it's sweet." Not in a bad way; the emotional vibe I got was that she didn't feel she matched that exactly? And that was a bit of a direct push in a less-distant direction for her. After that the memory cuts out until Celebi fronted to eat one of her gingers, she's been going nuts waiting for one. Of course she was practically dancing up and down the hallway from it, I almost burst out laughing, you know how in the 4th movie when the Celebi there eats the berries from the tree? I swear that is EXACTLY what she did, it was adorable. Then we gave Emmett his seaweed, Aimee helped feed it to him as usual. But that was both funny and amazing because as they were eating the grandmother walked into the kitchen, and they had the AP respond to her (just one sentence thankfully) because they obviously don't care about fronting around other people either... which is hilarious because Emmett does not eat like a person, haha. Sure, Aimee mans the body to feed stuff to him, but I don't even want to try and guess what it looks like to watch Emmett trying to eat in a human body, what with his crazy chewing and chomping and trying to purr and wondering where all his huge teeth are and where the rest of his nose is. But yeah, happy ending, Emmett loved the seaweed, and we got him TWO packages so he gets another one tomorrow, haha!

- By the way I have NO IDEA when it happened, but all I know is that at some point Leon brought Laurie, Lynne (she's been hanging out with Laurie), and the Undergrounders (plus Jeremiah and the kids) to Central? A lower floor obviously, not the main talking room. I think we were still at therapy when it happened, actually... anyway the kids ran out to the balcony (which is big, almost like a balcony porch? awesome though), and I think Jeremiah followed them out or something. Anyway what I'm trying to say is, who ends up floating down and sitting on the railing with a smile but KYANOS?? He did get older! But Jeremiah called Mulberry over, she took one look at Kyanos and then walked over and introduced herself, shook his hand, asked who he was? He laughed and gave her his name, I think that got Laurie's attention or Mulberry recognized the name and told her, anyway Laurie and I ran out there too. We asked him where he was, I guess he had manifestation troubles but he's technically a Midspacer now, just taking it easy. I asked him about Minty, he said he hadn't seen her, but he "knew" she was "underground with the bears??" Cue a major "what" on my part, I didn't think that was actually true, but there you go. He said she was no longer required to be a downstairs voice (what with sleeping), since she had "given me" the white Care Bear to help with that, so now she's working with the other bears? He then added that Minty still knew him or something, even if she hadn't met him post-reset, that was really confusing I'm sorry. BUT later today I did get a weird glimpse of Minty, she's still a kid but her eyes are really different (almost catlike I think?), and she's wearing a headband with mint teddy ears on it. But yes, she is running around the Underground tunnels somewhere, working with a BUNCH of bears, I honestly have no clue whatsoever what is going down there, I couldn't even tell where her location was exactly. But the bears are communicators or messengers or something, and she's been helping them get into position? Don't quote me on it, it is really confusing and blurry, that's all I know. I'll have to look for her again tomorrow, and see what else I can get. Still, that is really good news, it means EVERYONE has ultimately survived the reset, thank goodness!!

- Um, hmm, what else. I know there was some eating disorder trouble later? There wasn't really any headspace involvement for most of the evening so stuff is just in data blurs for me. Nothing bad, just a little upsetting that when we caught it, it was already 8PM and it was just about to cross into danger territory. Nothing harmful was actually ingested thank God, but whoever was fronting kept looking for chocolate which is never a good sign, I really hope they didn't garbage up on it.

- Speaking of hack threats, I know I said back on the 29th that I was going to scan in that one paper the Undergrounders wrote after a morning one? Here's page one and two of that. The therapist has it now, don't know when we'll get it back, so there's the scan for you. Also here's a similar entry from back in September because I don't think I mentioned that? But it was important when it occurred so there it is.

- Also, if you'll forgive me, last night I just wanted to draw over this picture, which is one of the anchor-images Infi used for his manifestation back in April (shocked me to death when I looked back on it a few months later)... and that started out as just a fun thing, but then Infi and Laurie were talking to me in headspace at the time, and Infi decided to tell me exactly what to do art-wise. So... this is what we ended up with. Since it's an over-draw it is not going anywhere else online but here, but I wanted to share it anyway because... well. It's kind of exactly what's been happening as of late.

- Hey, uh, Javier here? Never typed before, just told me to type, so here goes nothing.
I guess I should say first that Leon did get Nathaniel back, with my help actually. He was trying to front in the body but I guess that's hard for him? J says it might be dysphoria, I dunno. But I took over when he went upstairs and started channeling instead, since I have no trouble fronting, I tried to put his intentions through for him. Plus fire, I'm the fire guy, I thought, "hey I should be able to work with these candles 'cause of the flames, right?" So I spent a while doing that, I guess it helped, I didn't see anything because J or someone pushed me out but there's data that yeah, Leon and Nat were together and really happy about it, glad to hear it.
After that I'm not sure what happened. I blew the candles out, that I know, but when I started meditating after that someone kept trying to get at my chakra. I wondered, hey what's that about? So I checked, there really was nothing physical, but somebody was trying to push stuff in there where it didn't belong. All the wrong sort of energy, that was getting on my nerves of course, I heard people had been messing around with that and I was determined to get to the bottom of it. Well I wanna say that was a bad move but it wasn't, not in the long run at least. Uh I'm not sure how much I should write here, I don't want to trigger J later, I know he's not supposed to know about this stuff. Infi says write down the general details, okay, sure.
So... I couldn't tell ya how it happened. I think I wanted to forget, maybe that's how that works. But I tried to check out that chakra and Eros showed up? Y'know, that red cupid guy. Kept trying to get at me, I wasn't impressed, pushing him away, what are you doing. Somehow he got enough force to override my fronting and took over? Is that what a hack is called? Infi says yeah, okay. So he "hacked" me to that effect. Honestly I was just unamused with his business, look really what are you trying to prove here, you're not supposed to be doing this? Geez what did he do... all I know is that somewhere along the line, I must've, I dunno, been too boring or annoying for him because he called Julie in. Great, I didn't know she was trouble 'till she walked in, let's not make that joke. I don't even know the lyrics to that, stupid me. Anyway. Julie comes in, I'm still trying to ignore them both, focusing all I can on the red chakra so they don't try to mess it up or ruin it again. But stuff started getting dangerous? I was having a real hard time concentrating, everything was fuzzy, but a thought got through like, "hey wait a minute, isn't this what J calls being hacked? I shouldn't let this happen, right?" Then it hit me, whoa wait, this is gonna hurt the kids! So of course I get pissed off, decide I had enough, get away from me. It was last second, really, I scared them but what could I do? They weren't going to leave me alone any other way. So anyway what I did was I focused that rage, righteous indignation really, all on the red chakra, and boom! Flames everywhere. I shoved Julie off and I gave her one heck of a glare, she didn't think I was serious, then I threw a fireball at her and she knew I meant business. I glared at Eros too, didn't want to go setting people on fire though, so I just made his outfit catch fire and he ran. Then I shook myself off and went back into the body, honestly I don't really remember what happened there because I was shaken up, all I can tell you for sure is that shortly after, Infinitii comes in, starts fronting. Well that took me by surprise.

- New paragraph, okay. Not sure what I should say about this... Infi says "just say enough," okay, again. Infinitii starts fronting, checking the damage, I ask him what he's doing. He says trying to check what energy they used, he's keeping track of these things now, wants to know what they're up do. First verdict was that it was both? He seemed confused, like that wasn't typical, anyway you gotta forgive me because I don't remember anything right up until him looking at me and being like, "you wanna help me fix this?" Actually yo I think I offered to help, didn't expect that though. Either way yeah, I figured why not, he said my being Red I probably had the same connection J used to so that was important in fixing hack damage or something. Same level? Similar level? Close enough, it's not a thing I can put into language.
Hold up, correction, Infi just told me how it went down. Earlier I mean. He was checking the energy and since he couldn't figure anything out for sure, decent amount of damage though, he kind of unsurely said he might have to run the energy straight out to get a clear picture, but he couldn't do that unless he gave it to somebody, you can't waste that. That's when he asked me if I was up for the challenge, I think I shrugged and said that sure, if he figured that was okay, I'd help? Like I said, it's blurry. And we were switching all back-and-forth here, I'd be in the body and then he'd switch me out, see it was disorienting a little, surprisingly not the sort of thing that makes you slip though. Oh! Yeah, that's the most important thing. So Infi's trying to get this energy running through me of course, I'm the red guy so that makes me a good candidate anyway I guess. But he keeps telling me, "don't let me slip," keep watching, call him out on it if the energy starts overwhelming him, I guess that's easy for him being Black energy. Y'know he was doing that on his own earlier, before he brought me into it, I remember being surprised because hey yo, that's what the hackers use, you sure you can use that? He said sure, yeah, it's all neutral energy when you get right down to it, he can make corrupted energy go right back to normal if he eats it or somethin'. So don't worry he says, I've got this, just keep an eye out so I don't get lost he says. Still I was arching my eyebrows that he was able to turn that hacker stuff into something neutral or even benevolent, that was cool. So anyway. Brings me in, I'm not having any trouble, no slipping here, had to catch Infi once though, he said thanks. Now all I know about that, again, is that I was focusing on making sure all this red energy was being healed too, that's my job of course, Infi is trying to purify the black and white stuff. But right at the get go, Infi stops me for a second, said there was this major block between the green and red chakras if you know what I mean? Like the heart center was not communicating with anything below it, especially not that low. Of course that worried me too, is that why Nathaniel wasn't getting through? Is that doing something to me or what? And what about J? I guess the answer was yes for all three, it's causing a lot of problems, Infi knew that better than anybody. So he's thinking about that, how do we fix this, he said he CAN'T fix this with J anymore, he's too traumatized or broken or something. Basically you try to get him to fix blockages and he shuts down even more, Infi was real torn up about it. Still, me being Red like J used to be, he says again, you should be able to reach these blocks just as good as J used to, if not better, 'cause you don't have the damage he does. So I'm okay with that, but then Infi goes "hey, you ever hear of a soul form" and I say no, what's that? He says it's this... how do you say? Some black-energy form of yourself, J has one, they're really beneficial I guess. And it would definitely bypass the heart-root block because it would tie those two things together with my color? So I say sure, I'll go for that, sounds cool. And Infi tells me you're gonna have to focus, that's really important, don't slip, neither of us. So I have to focus then on three kinds of energy, three points, whoa, I'll tell you what that was overwhelming a bit. Black, red, and white, in that order, from the bottom up. But Infi told me just be aware of the other two, the B/W ones, and focus all the red energy in my heart? That was one thing he kept emphasizing, all the way through all of it, keep it in the heart. DON'T let your focus shift, not for a second, that's not what we're here to do. So man, right at the end when I'm processing all this energy stuff it was crazy yo, I'll tell you what I almost slipped out just from how much he was feeling, I've heard rumors about that. But yeah, it worked, got a soul form, THAT was nuts. I know nothin' about the instant before it, I just know when it hit it was straight-up incredible. Felt like I was floating, everything was all like a galaxy around me, I knew I was part of it, that sort of thing. Sorry, I'm really not good with words yet and I hope this is sounding out and working well. But it was cool. Really cool. I honestly felt like I was... space itself, or something. Infi told me after that I jumped up to White for a second, instead of Black which is the normal soul form color. He said that was normal for such an energy burst and then it stabilized. So... that was that? Infinitii said afterwards that the energy was definitely Black, still some White obviously but a majority of Black, of course. I asked him how he could tell, he said it's mostly the taste, Black energy is like sugary sweet and White isn't I guess? Then he said, the Tar is different because it's all thick and clogged, different kind of sweet too, like chemicals instead of sugar? I don't know about White when it's corrupted. I don't think he does either, if I had to guess I'd say he's scared of finding that out, he's had some bad experiences with that I think.
Anyway. Yeah. That's all I'm going to say, except that Jayce was around afterwards, I remember seeing him in the mirror and then he decided to front, first thing he asked was yo why are we wearing a pony shirt? Honestly I don't know either, I guess J left it out to sleep in, there's two ponies on it from this kid's show Waldorf likes. None of us knew who they were but that was no problem, it looked cute actually. So Jayce took over then, I have no idea what he did, it was 10 o'clock then and now its 1 in the morning and whoa, where was I? Haha. Time switches man, they're going to take some getting used to. Oh by the way my speaking voice is kind of different from my typing voice? I dunno if that's how the AP translator works, I'm channeling more than fronting because it's a lot easier to type that way, plus I'm still not used to not having my ear gauges in, or this hair. But I guess everyone deals with that. Oh! Dude I forgot, that was the funniest thing about today. When we were leaving the room earlier, after the soul form bit, Infinitii stood up while fronting and immediately he almost fell over, I asked him are you okay? He started laughing and said "I didn't expect to have feet," the man literally did not know how to walk, I was cracking up, said I'll do it. So I fronted from there to the bathroom where we put the pony shirt on and Jayce was like "whoa what is this." Infi says he's not used to having more than one eye on his face either, but I think he had the eyes closed for the entire time he was fronting, even though he was still talking through his wings. He did use the face mouth a few times but he was mostly upstairs when he did that, he was only "halfway" in the body when fronting if that makes sense. A lot of us do that, he says, it's easier than having to go completely in and out whenever someone needs to switch, that's a big shock to the system I guess. Not the System, but... you get what I mean.
All right, that's it for tonight. Infi's listening to "In Paradisum," I guess he's fond of it, really Infi you should type if you want to talk, you're allowed to right? He says yeah, he just doesn't want to complicate everything by trying to front this late. He says he has plans in the morning, okay, I won't ask but I'm kind of laughing, I know exactly what he means. Better get to sleep then, don't want to hold him up. Bye everybody, nice meeting you.

I had to wear Knife's cross all evening today because we had such a brutal hack this morning that the ENTIRE Underground was freaking out and taking every last safety measure possible to keep us from trying to kill ourself.
Here's what the data said.
JULIE WAS DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE.
Apparently she left a voice recording on Mitchell (our handheld recorder), that ONLY Knife heard, before deleting it in disgust. I think she said something like "I win, bitch" but I can't be sure.
Also, she FRONTED TO HACK US. THAT HAS NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE AND THAT'S KIND OF TERRIFYING.
Typically she "hacks" someone else's consciousness, or fronting-- hence the term-- by driving them to a severely dissociated state where she has total power over them. She has NEVER just SHOVED EVERYONE ELSE OUT TO DO THIS BEFORE.
So, yeah, NO chance of buffering, or trauma control. I don't even know how long she was in the body when it happened. I have no idea.
All I know for sure is that Sugar got the body into the bathroom and SHE decided she was responsible for giving retribition? She didn't even want Knife or Razor to know-- I guess she felt responsible for "not being able to stop Julie-- OH! That's what happened!!
Apparently Sugar managed to BREAK THROUGH the hack for a split second before being shoved out again? And although she definitely tried to stop her, she mustn't have been strong enough, as Julie "won out." And Sugar was being eaten with guilt over that, "I could have stopped her and didn't," therefore she wanted to be the one bearing retribution for it, in secret, not even wanting the other Undergrounders to know that a hack had happened (since it was a totally new sort of hack, we had no alarms for it and no one was notified). Oh my gosh that's so sad, I am so sorry she had to deal with that alone.
But I guess the others found out soon enough? Because there's a weird fragmented data memory of Razor coming out later, complimenting Sugar's work, and then a few minutes later Razor asking Knife why the weapons won't work and being very distressed about it? But that is absolutely all I can see about whatever happened there.
The next thing I can see is Mulberry fronting in the bedroom, smudging sage of all things? And actually using it to try and "purify the room from Julie's taint." I know this for sure because the room was full of smoke afterwards, she must have burnt a lot. But that's not the important thing. That important thing is that she was trying to bless the room, and SO DID KNIFE, SUGAR, AND RAZOR. I don't know how they did it, or what they said, but... wow. Here are the four main Undergrounders, four individuals I used to be terrified of, viewing them as persecutory and harmful abusers... and here they are now, going above and beyond their normal duties to try and protect us. Me included. There was a time when I thought they were literally incapable of such an act of compassion and protection and hope. But it apparently DID happen today, a strange and oddly moving light shining in the aftermath of a horrible, horrible dark thing.
I don't know when Knife decided we should wear a cross. All I know is that I'm wearing one, and I was told via a stern mental message "not to take it off," so I won't. I'll keep it on tomorrow too. I'm kind of scared that such a bad hack apparently happened; I don't want to be caught off guard by any follow-ups tomorrow. I'm one of the most fragile people up here, by my nature; I would literally die if I got caught in a hack. It's why I usually only come out at night now. Isn't that ironic? Nighttime used to be the most dangerous time for us, tons of hacks. Now mornings are. How did that happen?

Besides that I have no idea what happened today.
My grandmother did mention at one point that apparently, my mother visited for a while last night while I was on the computer? Problem is, I DON'T REMEMBER THAT! And when I told her that, she said that this is the SECOND TIME THIS WEEK that I wasn't aware she had visited, AND spoke to me, while in the living room! That's really jarring. Am I seriously losing that much time? How did I never notice that before? Did I just take the memory gaps for granted, with stress and lack of sleep, shrugging off weeks that disappeared into oblivion, simply because no one cared to inform me of what happened during those missing hours? It's kind of scary, to wonder WHO people know "me" as. Who in the world fronted at our old job, then, which I don't remember at all? Or at school? Did different fronters handle different schools? The old assignment tablets are dizzying to read, each one of them obviously has a different author, who in the world WERE we?
I'm not going to worry about that right now though. Too tired.

I have one last thing to say tonight (it is 1AM and I really want to sleep), something BIG that I NEED to mention in therapy tomorrow.
There is... there are a few files on Mitchell, my voice recorder, that I didn't put there. I knew about two of them prior to today. When checking files today (I recorded some music this morning and wanted to see what else was on there), I found three more.
I don't have them uploaded anywhere. I don't know if I should. But I've spent the past few hours transcribing them for you to read.
Here you go.

The first, and earliest, was a day I was feeling too drastically ill to drive home, so Lynne did so, and then invited everyone else to talk. That one was more 'fun,' with no heavy material discussed, but it gives a rough feel of what everyone sounds like when fronting. It was notable, though, because it's the only time I've ever heard Nathaniel talk in the body, at least that I remember. I also speak on there, SEPARATE from Jewel (another host-piece), so that's important too as differentiation was blurry for a while prior to that time period.

The second, the scariest one, I have no idea when or how it happened. I guess whoever was fronting was trying to catch the Undergrounders talking, in light of the first file. Someone got mad about it, and then suddenly Knife and Razor were caught in audio for the FIRST time ever, as far as I know. Seriously, Knife had never spoken prior to this, and I don't think Razor had either. Speaking of Razor though, listening to her talk is one of the creepiest things I have ever experienced.

The third happened spontaneously on the way to the library, I think? I know Jo asked to front as he was having trouble with that issue and wanted to get it off his chest. Since his role in the System has been all over the place, having a 3-minute file of him talking is really something. It's also VERY important, as this was right after we learned Christina's name, and Jo's observations on her proved to be highly valuable in understanding what was going on with that whole mess.

The fourth happened when I was going to pick my brother up from work, but that's all I know! Apparently ZWEI of all people noticed we had the voice recorder, and decided to say hello by singing into it for seven minutes. I'll tell you what, I am super glad she did. HER VOICE IS ADORABLE. She is also a darn good singer, wow, I might have to get her her own Soundcloud or something. Anyway listening to her sing makes me smile. I hope she's still around.

The fifth and sixth happened on the same day, only about a week or so ago. I also was not clearly aware of them until today. They are probably the most incredible files on the entire recorder, amounting to 15 MINUTES of audio, all from a headvoice that I don't actually know. Who is it, you ask? The one we've been calling SPICE. The one in charge of food. And she is not happy.
Listening to this one today actually made me cry. It... you have to hear it. You really do. It's surreal and disturbing and heartbreaking at the same time. She talks about her role, but mostly, she talks about how much she hates me? Although I know she doesn't mean "me"-- problem is, ALL the main fronters are called "J" BY DEFAULT because we assume a host-piece is driving if the fronter is unidentified. But I'm the one named J, and since I'm the main host-piece in headspace, meaning I'm the only host-piece that people know, all the blame tends to go to ME, whether or not I'm even aware of the event I'm being blamed for... or, at least, it did until the reset disasters occurred and I ended up feeling like 5 years old and Knife realized I was just as much a victim of the Tar junk as he was. So people had to re-think my assumed guilty conscience and then they realized stuff is really just a huge mess up here.
Anyway that's not the point. The point is that nothing like this has EVER happened to us before. This is a SOCIAL voice, a FACELESS one no less, who we didn't even KNOW about in any concrete manner prior to this recording... and yet there she is, 15 minutes of pain and rage and sorrow. She also says a LOT of really important things, which-- amazingly-- pertain to exactly what I'm discussing in therapy right now, and was seeking answers for. I'll have to thank her, if she'll listen to me. Or if I can reach her. Maybe if I start a new food journal and leave messages for her in there? Speaking of, I need to scan in her angry messages from the old one, now that I know the real motives behind them...
You know, even if I'm not directly responsible, I'll take the blame if it means I can heal it and help her. I felt so awful, hearing her words. I know I can't eat those foods, but I'M not in charge of that! I dissociate every time I walk into the kitchen ESPECIALLY if someone else is in there!! I'm not the one she needs to yell at, although maybe I am to blame for not being able to front and keep the real culprit from coming out. I guess that's how Sugar felt this morning.
I don't think "Spice" has fronted since then. I have been careful with food lately for unrelated reasons (surgery mostly), so now hearing this I'm VERY glad that I've been doing so. I'll be even more careful from now on.

Now, it's 2AM, I have nothing left to say tonight. Tomorrow is therapy and that's BIG and I need to be up at 9AM for it so I have to leave right now.
See you!

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