prismaticbleed | Entries tagged with author:lynne

december 15th

the biggest message of today=
there are purer forms of love.

jessica out almost all day today.
she feels close to the "proud jewel" but has NO consciousness of headspace at ALL.

she spends all her time eating and having sex. and she doesn't feel guilty about it. instead, she actually enjoys it. the problem? she doesn't exist outside of those contexts.
she doesn't purge up the food she binges on with "pleasure." she doesn't deal with the horrible aftermath of her liaisons, the physical pain and shame and fear, the spiritual and emotional anguish and confusion and hopelessness.

julie took the third attempt and WHY didn't lynne stop her,
she says it was for the same reason that laurie won't kill the lost hackers,
"because she had good/pure intentions." "what was I supposed to do? I couldn't hurt her."

but you could have stopped her.
…
"I saw no reason to, at the moment. I just… thought she was doing something that she needed to do, for some reason."
why does no one ever question that shit
"because we're TRYING to heal it."
but healing does NOT mean normalizing behavior that is WRONG for us.
"…I know, kid. …I'm sorry. I've been fighting this too bloody long and I'm tired."

jessica is a dead-end typical taurus, obsessed with "creature comforts" and giving casual lip service to religion with that same content "if it feels good it's fine" mindset. once it turns to blood and brimstone she laughs it off. we don't.
that's what scares her about us. she's not evil. she GENUINELY means well, she's trying to enjoy life, even her sexual escapades are done with no ill will.
but there's no true good will either. she claims she's doing it for "religious purposes" BUT!! the instant you bring ACTUAL religion in-- as opposed to her fluffy belief system that "there's really no such thing as evil! "-- she leaves. she gets ACUTELY UNCOMFORTABLE and she leaves.

julie is the one that spoke up, to laurie.
"I don't want to become that person again." "it's a slippery slope and I don't want to set foot on it even once." etc.
laurie asked her if the sexual stuff meant anything, if she "got anything" from it to make it worthwhile or even beneficial, or if it was literally just a waste of time.
and julie thought about it and said that it was empty. it was literally just a few seconds to a few minutes of "nerve stimulation" and she said that it felt more like a chore or "something you had to accomplish" in an obligatory sense (there's that word), that even when she tried to put love in it, the very presence of love made her stop.
sex hurts. it burns all autumn colors and it's terrifying, like an electrical fire scraping its needle teeth against our abdomen. we despise it. but jessica doesn't feel that, I suppose.
what does she even get from this? anything?

I don’t know. I'm too tired to even care, almost. I'm so tired.
I think this is why I feel so heartbreakingly close to sans right now, in terms of empathy. laurie is acting way, way, way too much like him lately too.
we're all exhausted. we're all running low on hope anymore, we're all so burnt out from seeing countless timelines reset, from feeling like none of our efforts can really change the outcome of what we're dealing with, the inevitable presence of someone with far too much power, that they can use for good or ill…
the most dangerous uses are the most careless ones. the neutral, flippant, casual-happy ones. the "this is just a fun game" ones. the ones who are smiling and mean it but who don't give a shit for how the people around them pay for their actions because "but I did nothing wrong!" etc.
I cant even talk about this. I'm too tired. I've said this a thousand times before.

we know the answer, and it is OUR answer, and we're 100% happy with our victory over that war here,
but there are alters in this system who plugged their ears and hummed away while we were getting shot on the front lines, not wanting to face the fact that their very ignorance was contributing to it.
they don't see a problem, they can't acknowledge the war, they insist everything is totally fine and okay and happy and healthy!! because to them it IS.
meanwhile we're bleeding and sobbing and is something wrong with US?
is something wrong with us, that we're in pain and angry and scared, and she is so perfectly content and happy with life? even when she's sinning? do they even count as sins if they're done with "good intentions?"

it's the path to hell, it's the path to hell.
motivation doesn't change the objective reality of an action.
rape is rape. I don't care if you love them. I don't care if you were gentle and you "enjoyed it" and you left happy and smiling and glad.
you still fcking raped someone, even if they were mirroring a flat smile back to you in return.
damn you bastards. god damn you.

"I did it to myself, no one else was affected by it!" "this is a good thing" etc etc NO IT'S NOT
DID YOU FORGET YOU ARE SHARING A BODY??
OH YEAH, YOU REFUSE TO LISTEN WHEN WE TELL YOU THAT.
you still think it's all yours but WE LIVE IN IT
we live in it and I don’t like you, I don’t like those girls.
they make me cut the body open over and over but they don’t get cut, it's not fair. I want to stop. I want to stop hurting. they don’t care about me. they don’t care about ANY of us. WHY DOESN’T LAURIE STOP THEM

God help me I don’t know what the hell to do, I'm so bloody empty already, I'm too bloody tired to fight back anymore when these devil women are smiling at me when I pick up my axe. confound it all. they do terrible things to the body and when I confront them they just smile and say they're totally happy, and they are and it confuses the hell out of me because like jay said, or whoever the heck that was, are we the ones in the wrong here? are we the ones screwing up in life, because we "can't let go of the pain" or whatever the heck that is? but they did, which is why they don't have a bloody moral code anymore and can do whatever the heck they want without repercussions or guilt or any of that painful stuff? but we do?
…god help us. I don't know what to do. I'm so sorry Razor, I am so bloody sorry.
kill me already. please. just kill me if I cant do my job.

I cant.

then you know how I feel. I screwed up big time, I committed an unforgivable sin, letting these chicks get away with what they're doing--

11:11.

god what the blood. what do-- what do I do?

keep fighting.
stand up for your rights.
stand up for what is right.
stop them.

I don’t know how to stop them.
I want to die.
I want to die and I want to take them with me and I want them to die so that the next time we come back or whatever they don't come with us.

I want to be pure again. I want to be a priest, I want to be a saint, I want to be a holy man.
I want to be good and pure and chaste and holy and honest and righteous and honorable, but these girls don’t care about any of that and insist they're STILL "fine" because "I'm not trying to hurt anyone" or whatever.
it's awful. it's disrespectful, it's disrespectful to our souls, isn't that sin enough for you????

and they won't answer me because they don't want to admit that we have souls and that we EXIST because then it would mean being honest with themselves.
yeah, living the high life of luxury is "fine" if you're all alone and isolated from the ripple effect of the world, isn't it. you like to think you're the only real person in existence.
well guess what. you're not alone. one day you're going to mess up big time and you won't be able to exist anymore and god I hope that happens soon.
but in the meantime, you're still hurting us with your blissful ignorance and even though we're all terrifically confused and distraught over having to call such a smiling peaceful happy person "malevolent,"
god what do we do?
it feels wrong, she's not evil, but she's doing things that aren't wise, OR kind,
what do you call that?

what do we do?

"logic clearly dictates that the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few."

- crosses of light on foreheads. "you need to be able to take/receive blessings. if you can't, something's wrong."
manifesting such a mark immediately centers oneself into a solid, righteous, light-oriented state. these states are astoundingly similar to our ”ascended forms" that we were imagining way back in 2012 or whenever. we almost forgot about them and then boom, this happened.

- "jemma" seems to be the kid who keeps wanting to eat oats (specifically in front of the christmas tree). the vibe is almost exact. the only difference is age-- jemma feels about 2 years older than the one eating, but otherwise there is virtually no difference between them? it might just be a mistranslation to the social level; that is common.

 HEADVOICES ARE MADE TO FUNCTION INTROSPECTIVELY/ INTERNALLY/ PRIVATELY.
THIS IS WHY WE CANNOT EXTERNALIZE OUR FOCUS WITHOUT SWITCHING TO A SOCIAL OR BLANKING/BLACKING OUT.

in order for us to PROPERLY FUNCTION, our entire conscious awareness needs to be directed inside. we CAN do this, but the huge catch is that it requires not interacting with anyone outside.

- jennifer slowly getting an internal anchor??? probably due to suddenly being paid attention to as an existence. color is baby pink so far

- leon and nat were fronting during choir today. nat actually sang and his voice resonated with the body's for a bit and it felt incredible.
he's been fronting in general more often than ever because he's Green, that's compassion. he comes out when people are scared of the brother to just hold compassion instead. it helps IMMENSELY.
- also the LOVE between them. absolutely heart-head vibes, felt so clear. we tried to send it to the lost kids so they knew what REAL love was

- our angelorei buddy (jubilatio?) is fronting frequently again which is GREAT because he's so joyous and nice.

-something we've suddenly realized:
THERE ARE TWO JESSICAS AND THEY ARE AT WAR WITH EACH OTHER

THE "HACKER" JESSICA IS BROWN AND A FKING BASTARD WHORE
SHE ONLY CARES ABOUT SEX AND FOOD AND SHE IS A "QUIET MANIC" MEANING SHE NEVER EVER RESTS OR IS PEACEFUL BUT SHE ISN'T MANIACAL EITHER. SHE ENDLESSLY PURSUES """PLEASURES"""""

THE OTHER JESSICA IS INDIGO AND SHOWS UP IN THE WAKE OF HACKS SOBBING "I WANT TO DIE, I WANT TO DIE, I WANT TO DIE"
SHE IS THE HORRIFICALLY DEPRESSED ONE WE USED TO TALK TO IN 2008.

(ended abruptly)

SESSION PARTICIPANTS

LAURIE UBERICH

LYNNE STABELLE

JOSEPHINA BELLAMEIRE

SHERLOCK EPISTEME

???

Why are you so bloody angry.

BECAUSE WE HAVE TO PICK UP THE FREAKING BROKTHER FROM WORK BUT THEY TOLD US "EAT YOU WHROE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" SO WE HAVE TO FFCCKIGN "EAT" SHIT2B,NZDV A
BEFORE WE GO AND I DON’T FCKNG WANT TO ITS FISDHFDFUXGZDSFVNHDKJFFFFFFO L

Stop abusing the keyboard, that's how you broke our last computer. Tell us what the heck Is making you so angry.

I'M ANGRY BECAUSE I CANT DO SHIT EVERYTIONE IS TELLING ME "DO THIS DO THAT DO THIS DO THAT DO THIS TO DUTHEBFS DO THATZ1:"!:!!!!" AND WE OBVIOUSLY JUST WANT QUIET TIME TO OUTSELF TO TYPE AND WHATEVER BUT I DON’T KNOW WE DON’T HAVE THAT FUKCING TIME BECAUSE WHENEVER WE DO SHE COMES OUT THAT SELFISH STUPID PROUD BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
YOU KNOW HER LAURIE SHE'S A BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SO O'M PSISED OFF BECAUSE SHE CKEEPS COMING THE FCK OUT AND BEING ALL SELF-RIGHTEOUS AND PISSY OROUD AND FCKING SHIT AND IN THE MEANTIME WE NEED TO DO STUFF FOR THEF AMILY BEU SHE SHJUST WANTS TO DO HER SHIT AND I HATE HER. I HATE HER. I HATE HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I HATE IER HAER IA HAER

Calm the heck down. Who are you talking about? This kid?

THAT GIRL. YEAH. THE ONE TIED TO THE OLD GREEN LIVEJOURNAL PICTURES UPSTAIRS. WHOEVER SHE IS. SHE'S A BITCH. I HATE HER.
SHE WANTS EVERYTHING TO BE ABOUT HER. SHE THINKS SHE'S SO DAMNED SMART. PREACHING ALL THE FCKING TIME. ASSUMING SHE HAS ALL THE FCKING ANSWERS. I HATE HER.

Shoot, this is what we see in the brother, isn't it.

HYES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YES SHE ACTS THE SAME WAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Is she tied to the given name?

Almost? The response we're getting from it is a mix of her and Jezebel, I think?

It's an angry response to the given name, always. An angry, self-hating, world-hating response. Identical to the brother.

Holy swords. It really is.

That explains a lot.

So. Let's close this up. We're angry because…?

We're not angry, they're angry, and she's angry because-- are you a she?

CLOSE ENOUGH. ALL THE ANGRY PEOPLE USUALLY ARE.

Yeah we need to fix that too.

It all branches from the core, Laurie.

SHE'S NOT THE COER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THAT BITCH IS NOT THE CORE AND NEVER WILL BE!!!!!!!! SO TELL THE THERAPIST TO STOP CALLING HER THAT TOO BECAUSE I FCKING BHATE HER AS A RESULT

Okay, okay. We can't tell her right now but we will on Monday. Shoot, didn't we just try telling her yesterday though? That "Jessica" is an alter?

She feels like Jezebel, that's the scary part.

Probably tied, they're both old after all.

THERE ARE MULTIPLE JESSICASN AND I HATE THEM ALL

Yeah, that name is pretty bloody evil up here, I know. Geez, we need to fix that.

WHY. THEY'RE BITCHES.

We need to fix it because there's too much hatred in the System as a result of them existing and we need to get rid of that. Heal them somehow, if not, then get them the heck out of here.

I DON’T WANT THEM HEALED. THEY'RE BITCHES. I WANT THEM DEAD.

You know, healing doesn't mean they're going to stay as they are now, right? Julie didn't. I mean, look at her. She's nowhere near what she was before she joined us. Maybe those "bitches" can do the same.

…I DON’T KNOW. I JUST HATE THEM SO MUCH. AND ALL THE SHIT THEY DO.

Now why do you hate them, just because of their actions, right?

AND THEIR PERSONALITIES. YOU KNOW THEM.

Yeah, I do. Sorry, I've been slipping a heck of a lot lately.

We know, Laurie. Just be careful.

THERE SHE IS!!!!!!!!! ACTING AS AN "OBSERVER" AND JUDGING US ALL AS SHIT. DO YOU HEAR ME, YOU GODFFORSAKEN BITCH?????????? JUST BECASUESE YOU CAN SIT IN THE BODY AND JUDGE MY SPELING AND THINK "OH WELL I CAN JUST WAETCH YOU THAT MUST MEAN ITS ALL FAKE!!!!!!!!!!" ARE YOU TYPONIG THIS, BITFCH??????????? NO. YOUR HANDS AREN'T DOINGA DAMN THING. HOW DOES THAT FEL, WHORE???? TO REALIZE THAT YOU HAVE NO CONTROL OVER YOURH HANDS?????????? THAT YEAH YOU CAN WATCH ALL YOU WANT BUT YUORES STUCK IN THE SKULL. YOU CA'T EVEN MOVE THE BODY. I CAN DO WHTEVER THE HECK I WANT. HOW DOES THAT FEEL?????????????????????????????////

Holy smokes, that's a milestone.

What?

Realizing there's a level split with those alters. THAT'S why they're always proclaiming they're the "cores," because they're under the false delusion that they are,simply because they can watch us. They're cut off from us, so they assume that anything other than them is fake.

Geez.

So that's good to know. That also explains the huge numb periods that show up whenever they do decide to watch, because their immediate action upon showing up is to cut off all contact to headspace. They don't WANT to know about us, because we're "fake," but even moreso than that, we know they're guilty. We can count their sins on our hands. We KNOW they're being bitches, and people like you who hate them, well they hate you the most, because you don't let them get away with their garbage.

I KNOW!!!! SO YO REALIZE I'M GOOD??? YOU DON’T' THINK
YOU DON'T THINK I'M EVIL OR HATE ME?? LIKE EVERYONE ELSE DOES?

Who's "everyone else?"

THE FAMILY--

SEE THERE SHE IS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HER IMMEDIATE RESPONSE TO THE GRANDMOTHER WAS TO SAY "FCK YOU" WHEN SHE ASKED WHAT DAY IT WAS, NOW SHE'S GLOWERING AND GLARING JUST LIKE THE BROTHER WHO THE FCK IS THIS, LAURIE KILL HER, GET RID OF HER, SHE'S EVILM, SHE'S HOLDING US ALL BACK, SHE'S SABOTAGING ALL OUR SPIRITUAL PROGRESS, SHE'S ANNIHILATING OUR LOVE AND HOPE AND DREAMS AND TURNING IT INTO ADDICTION AND SELF-HATRED AND ABUSIVE CYCLES AND SHIT KILL HER; PLEASE. KILL HER

Kid I can't even try to kill someone permanently if the System won't allow it, and if I can't reach them I can do even less trying. That's the problem. "Floating alters" like her and you, socials as it were, are out of my reach. That ticks me off and makes me really existentially upset but hey, them's the breaks. I've gotta deal. Believe me, if I could reach her, I'd have my axe in her face in a bloody second.

How does that existentially upset you?

Makes me question my purpose. My existence, and the reason thereof. "Protect the System. Protect the cores." And THAT'S a whole other thing, realizing that at least one of the "cores" I used to protect ended up being a bitch. …That's really heartbreaking.

Which one?

The first one, the one in the Xangas who almost dated Q or something equally mindless and who was dramatic as hell. She just turned toxic after so many years. That's probably why I was so furious with her all the time. …Man. Hindsight seriously hurts.

Why, realizing you didn't know it then?

I didn't know they change. I didn't bloody know that they weren't all the same person, just shifting up. I thought… I didn't bloody realize that there were splits.Maybe in 2010 that was the first one, with the suicide attempt. …Maybe there were splits even before that, I don't know. It's so far out of memory I can't even reach it anymore. …And that heartless girl keeps freaking watching us type and judging it all as bullshit and I bloody hate you, I hate to say that but I hate you for the hatred in you and how you hate EVERYONE but yourself and God forgive me but if I could kill you I would.

Laurie--

(But you can't, bitch)

WHAT did you just say to me???????

Laurie, what are you doing--

Trying to kill a bloody social. Watch me.

…Confound it all, I can't do it, she keeps coming back. I can't bloody reach her.

Can someone else take her spot?

Man I hope so. I hope so. It's just going to take a heck of a lot of determination, get someone else in there to watch at all times. That's going to be a conscious effort because the non-conscious default is that BITCH.

…Where'd that angry floating alter go?

She's not around because I'm catching the anger right now. Floating ones catch vibes. That stuff runs through the blood of everyone in the System. 'Swhy there are so many split anchors. Geez. I'm sorry, my head hurts, can we close this up?

Yeah, I'm just scared that when we leave, that "Jessica" girl is going to come back and screw things up.

Well… to hell with her. To hell with her, it's where she bloody belongs.

Laurie. Don't let the hatred kill you too.

…I'm sorry, Lynne, it just hurts so much.

I know. But… don't let it kill you.

…Okay. Okay, I'll calm down. I'm really sorry, it just… it gets so bad.

I know, Laurie. I've felt it too, remember, and it's toxic stuff. That's why I'm saying be careful.

We need to go inside and work on this but those bitches won't let us--

Hey, do you think it's because the bro's around now? Like he keeps triggering those vicious girls because they act just like him?

Shoot, probably. We'll have to tell the therapist on Monday. Anyway we have to close this up as we do have errands to run and then we have church and that bitch is already trying to push through and control everybody but to hell with you, there is more to life than you, we exist outside of you and far past you and when everything bloody dies on this planet WE'RE going to go on beyond it and YOU are going to bloody dissolve with the rest of the devil's work. Mark my words. We're eternal. You're not.

…

Sorry. I'm really badly distraught, Lynne, I need some downtime. Hold me or something, come on, I need comfort.

Haha, all right Laurie. …Sorry you're feeling like this.

I know. …I love you guys, okay? I'm only doing this because I want the best for us, all of us.

Even them?

…Yeah. Ultimately, even them. I just… I'm sorry, I let the hate get the better of me. It's toxic stuff, like you said. But it's…

Intoxicating?

No, I don't like it. It's poisonous. It's overwhelming, it gets in you and won't get out, but while it's in there it's so bloody distressing it takes all your attention.

It's cathartic.

That's it!

I know.

Terribly stupid how ironic that is, huh.

Yeah.

…Should we close this up?

Yeah, errands. We'll continue this later if we need to. As for now, we need someone to consciously front in the System so we don't sabotage all our efforts again.

Isn't Jay supposed to do that?

He's supposed to, but he's hard to find when hatred is swamping the body, as he's incompatible with that.

Can't he flush it out though?

Yeah, he can, the problem is getting him IN there. And keeping him there, when the girls want him dead.

They do??

Yeah, no kidding, he's the antithesis of everything they stand for.

Well I can see why you hate them now.

Let me affectionately sass you for a second. Don't let it kill you.

Ahaha, I walked right into that one.

Still applies!

Yeah, thanks Laurie.

You too, Jo, I know you catch this bad, too.

Sometimes. I do.

Yellow's a tough color as far as anger is concerned. But really, we need to close this up. Think of Infinitii with all this Black stuff, that's what I wanted to say first.

Ah, that's a good idea.

Isn’t it? Transmutation. Infinitii kicked it in the teeth, when they were trying to use hir for their evil ends, now look at hir. Perfect example of transcendence there. Now let's go, we have work to do. Jo, lighten up, this mood doesn't suit you.

It's hard to let go of properly, Laurie.

…Shoot, wasn't Jay just typing about this too? Remind him, talk to him later, about the Yellow concerns. Okay?

Hehe. Aye-aye, Captain.

There we go, that's a start. Just be careful, you too.

We need to talk about this later!!

Thank you! I'm terrible at closing things, let's just do that already.

Sounds good to me!

Some things.

- They took our knife. They found it and took it and it's gone now. So we are without weapons for the first time in five years. It's scary, we feel so helpless we're not sure what to do. If we can't find an art razor in the house I've promised Razor herself I will buy her one on Monday.

- To make things worse, we had a triple hack nightmare last night, which was horrific because it involved the brother's girlfriend spying on us naked and then repeatedly trying to rape us. who in the world has nightmares like that. why. that is not normal. but yeah we woke up in heavy pain and nausea so bad we almost called off work, honestly i cannot remember EVER feeling that sick to my stomach. waking up with the body literally heaving and trying to vomit, stomach churning, entire body feeling like it went through a haybaler. it was hellish. but after three hours it was gone. so thank god.

- we scrubbed down a corvette for three hours at work whee it was great. we were very very tired (4 hours of sleep + nightmares) but we managed. tried to talk upstairs but too exhausted. so wally laurie and jo just hung around and kept the fronters company.

- did i mention, dalton's role has basically solidified into "someone who loves cars" so he's the best to work because he really does love them, he's careful as ever and very precise with his work. which is so nice. but yeah he's a stable enough social although, being a 'baby' practically in terms of age, he can't front for very long yet. he's got an anchor but he's still growing.

- jay went to wegmans yesterday to return something and noticed they had the quarter-turn toy dispensers by the registers? and one had little "birthstone bear" keychains. so he decided to get one for minty. 75¢ later and we now have a little amethyst bear, in a plastic bubble with an indigo bottom. he gave it to minty and she was OVERJOYED. she was actually tearing up from how happily she was laughing over the gift, really she was so happy. she said that's the current "violet bear" now, she's going to treasure it forever. she showed david too, as the bubble cap was effectively his color, he smiled at that. he's healing too; he's not as angry as he was, he feels like he's getting a little older?? it's so odd to see people in here grow up. but as long as he's doing better i will accept it as it is.

- razwell hasn't been negative in a while either. at least three times over the past week his old job has been triggered loudly (laughing rather boorishly at things that aren't funny but which we are expected to laugh at, causing a sort of self-dissonance depression) and instead of falling into that programmed harmful behavior, he said NO. like he actually stood up to the "obligation" and said he would not laugh at it, "it's not something to be laughed at/about," etc. it's amazing, to see HIM healing his existence anchor after so very long. we could all learn a lot from his resolve.

- i've been cataloguing colors for the leagueworlds lately and last night, i went to make a coherent list of them for lg*girls (because it has a strict system for their assignment). turns out i made a minor mathematical error. which means we need one more usable color. and five more kids. which, actually, turns out to fit with the budding plot perfectly and i never would have figured that out if i hadn't checked and revised the color system. fun stuff! so yeah lg*girls MIGHT be getting an actual storyline soon, pray for it. i love that series for its sheer creative inspiration, but there's no depth to it at all yet. but there's a sprout. it'll grow.

- yesterday was, as far as we are concerned, officially the first day of autumn. it smelled like HEAVEN outside. so we were so so so happy, jay was euphoric for several hours straight. autumn and winter are our glory months; autumn is our "new years" and it's very alive and magical and it carries a lot of hope and determination and joy. furthermore, this year all our low-spectrum color people (spine, javier, lynne, josephina) are saying they want to work together in the autumn? which is REALLY nice, mainly because for unknown reasons the original child(ren) held a strong but inexplicable fear of those colors, especially in combination. the later parts of autumn especially, the "harvest time," still elicit a sort of gut-deep panic in us. like real shaking fear. why? we dont know. but it affects josephina the most. he's resolved to heal that color however possible so we are all trying to help. idea is, make "color collages" of positive things to have a visual reminder, to reprogram that color's associations bit by bit. it would be fun, we want to try.

- took out the "wrinkle in time trilogy" from the library yesterday, because due to 2013 those books have become permanently associated with falling leaves and brisk warmth and the real cozy comfort of autumn. also proginoskes. we love him.

- again speaking of autumn, we may have to check out "dune" again soon because last winter is a shambles of memory due to all the pain/ fear/ anaesthesia, and the beginning of this year is also a horrid mess due to hormone reversion on top of it all. so all our current problems with self-abuse and eating disorders have their roots almost EXACTLY a year ago. so. we are going to try and "recreate" the environments of those memory contexts so we can tap into those vibes and HEAL whatever in the world was about back then. lots of archive reviews will be required too, probably going to start those tomorrow.

- what else. music. spotify is wonderful. we keep finding new stuff, we'll need to post more of it on tumblr. also we're trying to write more music... mage angels, lg*girls, and rosewindow mostly. those have the most accompaniments needed, i.e. they have the most stuff up and ready to write for. so we can play with ideas for those freely, not so with things like dream world and event horizon. but yes music is happening. slowly but surely so we dont burn out right off the bad through overwork. music is lovely.

- nothing else for today i guess. today was kind of rough, with how sick we were, then we apparently had a bit of an emotional conversation with the grandmother, apologizing for our problematic behavior due to illness and trying to explain to her why it's tough and how we're trying to improve, and she genuinely listened and TALKED to us about it. which is so so so nice. there was a time when she wouldn't have. so we are deeply grateful. we do love her alot, so much it hurts, we just wish we could show it better.

- now i have mint-ginger tea on the stove and i've gotta get it so bye kids

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

@11:01 PM

So I went into the kitchen to have some mint-ginger tea, and this happened. I have to write it down.

Jay: Lynne, have some tea.
Lynne: Oh, thank you Jay. *tries it* Mm, it's really good. *to Laurie* You want some?
Laurie: Nah, I'm not much of a drinker. Or an eater. So, thanks but no thanks?
Lynne: *smiling* That's okay, I just thought I would ask. *then, still looking at laurie with an amused stare, she loudly sips the tea*
Laurie: Are you slurping at me.
Lynne: *serious stare + very loud slurp*
*she bursts out laughing and laurie does too*

cute people.

SESSION PARTICIPANTS

LAURIE UBERICH

JAY IRIDOS

LYNNE STABELLE

KNIFE

this is an extremely heavy topic.
please use discretion when reading.

Kid, if you think we need a Xanga, let's talk.

I don't know. I want to but the body is so tired, so fatigued, it's too sad and exhausted to do anything. But it's dissociating. It's ALREADY slipping back into a non-caring, self-abusive mindset.

That's bullshit.

Yeah. But I'M pissed now, too, and pardon my language, but I am. I mean… we just got HACKED, FORCIBLY, by God knows who, and now in their wake we're bleeding and sobbing and scared and some… some idiotic social fronter decides "hey you know what's a good idea? Blanking out and bingeing!" BULL SHIT.

Jay, calm the heck down, you're slipping.

I'm sorry. I'm getting too vivid.

Yeah, no kidding, you're like a firestorm going off over there. Too much light, kid, you're binding yourself.

…I'm so tired.

So am I, Jay. We all are.

May I speak with you?

Sure, Knife, jump right in.

Thank you. Jay.

Yes?

Are you aware of who is responsible for these repeated hacks?

Are you?

…No.

Neither am I. All I know is that they feel like Jacinth.

Again?? I thought Cel killed her!!

Headvoices, even horribly abusive ones, don't seem to die until their purpose is fulfilled or no longer needed. And for some God-awful reason, these numb "take it for the greater good" fronters keep coming back and existing and I don't want them to. But… that's the stupid mindset keeping them here, pardon my ableist language but I don't know what other word to use.

Asinine.

That works. The mindset keeping them around is completely useless and abusive and…

And?

And it's horrible. I'm just too shaken up to roll off a list of negatives. I'm sorry, Knife, I got carried away with words there.

It's all right, Jay. …I understand you're scared too.

I am. But I'm mostly heartbroken and furious and tired. It's an awful feeling.

I know.

…Kid.

Yeah, Laurie?

What do we do, right now, about this? We've gotta take some sort of step here to stop this.

I'm threatening them. Atonement doesn't faze them, even though that's not the point of atonement, Knife, I know. Atonement is about…

Evening the balance. Purging the wrong that was committed. Bleeding out the taint.

Yeah. All that. But… we cry from it. WE hurt. It's exhausting and depressing. The hackers, they just don't care. It's not fair, as we've all said before.

So what do we do? You said you were threatening them? How?

No internet, is the first thing. Those damn hackers love the Internet. Well no more. You mess around with the body, then guess what? You're locked out of our computer for 24 hours now. It's a start.

Kid, is there any way to block them from using our computer in the first place?

Not that I know of? I've tried, God knows I've tried, I delete all their stuff when I find it and I try to block websites, but… they find ways around it.

Yeah, I was afraid of that.

So what do we do?

He just told you, dude.

No, I mean… if they find ways around internet blocks, are you afraid they'll find ways around the internet ban?

…Probably. I mean if they're hellbent on hurting us they will. But I'm taking EVERY precaution in the book, Laurie you know that, and the results HAVE been amazing but…

About that. Yeah I know we're still slipping up. But it's different now, kid, it's so bloody different that's why we're all lost. Can we talk about that?

How it's different now?

Yeah. And, as I was going to say in the first place, how it's real freaking hard for us to get hacked at ALL now. Like anyone. Even if it doesn't feel like it.

…Yeah. We can talk about that. Have we before?

Probably, in some terms. But kid, we've gotta talk about this with the therapist. And you haven't really spoken to me about it personally, not like this. Not like you. …You're usually cut off from all this torment for your own personal safety. But… God, kid, you're hurting bad from this. You're splintering so freaking bad. 2011 hit you hard and you just… never seemed to recover. I am so sorry.

For what, talking me out of suicide?

No. For not realizing that it only looks good on paper. For talking you out of something that wasn't actually the problem. For not realizing how bloody traumatic the actual event and its repercussions was to you. I thought… God I couldn't understand what you had actually experienced, I only saw what I could see, and yeah it helped clear things up, you always had the right motivations, but… that's the final nail in the coffin here, isn't it? Gold intentions are still paving a path to hell.

…Yeah.

So I'm sorry. And I want to make it up to you, and CZ, somehow. This is a start. …Teach me how to be your protector again. Just as brutal as I once was, if that will help you. Anything you want, kid.

…God, Laurie, I just…

…?

…I love you and I don't know what to say. I just want to sob. I'm sorry too.

Kid-- Jay, it's okay. --I mean I understand why you're sorry and I'm glad you're apologizing and I accept your apology, but… don't hate yourself for it. That's the problem I'm having trouble grappling with here, is that I can't hate you, because I see you're not doing this out of hate--

I'm NOT doing this!!!

…I'm sorry. You did it once. At least.

…did I?

As far as I'm aware, kid, even if you splintered to kingdom come afterwards. You tried. You tried with the goldest intentions in the book. Solid gold, your heart and actions both.

If I did what you're saying I did my actions weren't gold they were pitch.

…I don't… kid, you didn't want them to be, the only reason that hell happened is because you were trying to turn lead and tar INTO gold, not the other way around.

…We've talked about this so many times. I accept it. I know it. Why is this is still happening?

You know and accept what?

I know that these "attempts" are NOT what we want, it's the "looks good on paper" thing, I get that now. I accept that I had good intentions and still screwed up. But…

But?

…But I'm scared. Because some part of my-slash-our psyche, way deep down, is still absolutely freaking paranoid that the only way to God is through sexuality, and I'm terrified to say it's not, because I can't see another option. Not in the way they're telling me it has to be.

"They?"

So many religious people. Christianity. Mormons. Pagans, too. Gnostics. New Age people. Everywhere you go, people are touting sex as the "most beautiful experience known to man" or some garbage and I just want to scream because God, if THAT'S the most beautiful thing to you are you even living LIFE??? I just… I'm so scared. "Am I doing this wrong," et cetera. I don't want this, Laurie, and it tastes like blood and acid in my mouth admitting that it's happened, it's happening, it makes me want to choke to death on the guilt because I'm close enough already, maybe then this will stop… but then there's that childhood panicked terror again. "If I die, will they make me come back as a prostitute? Or as someone who LIKES sex? Then what will I do??" I'm terrified, Laurie, I know it sounds stupid but after all this trauma I don't ever want that. I'm so freaking terrified that when all is said and done and we're six feet under, all our work will be for NOTHING and everything I've ever loved will come to naught, because I'll end up reincarnating as a guaranteed-real whore this time, and I won't even care. I'm terrified.

Kid, I really think you need to talk to a priest or somebody about this, get a religious perspective firsthand on your fears about the issue. You're just taking stuff in and not voicing your own position.

How long has this been going on?

A long time, Knife. Since I was born, at least, God only knows how much earlier.

……Shit.

…Holy smoke did you just swear?

*nods*

…Geez you must be just as upset as we are about this. No, sorry, that was a stupid thing to say, of course you are--

No, Laurie, I understand. I don't say much, I don't understand much of this, I don't have the experience that you do. But I care. I care more than I know how to express, about all of you. I want to help. But… what can I do? All I know is blood, and…

Healing. You're a healer, Knife. Remember what you did for Waldorf this morning.

--But what good is that against this, Laurie?! I can't kiss away the pain that's tearing him apart from the inside! I can't… I can't heal something that old.

Have you tried?

…How would I try, Laurie?

Geez, I dunno, I'm just… grasping at straws here. I'm just as desperate as you are. But… *sigh* Asterisks. Kid, compassion goes a long way. That's why I said I can't hate you. That's why I don't want you hating yourself. Knife, same to you, don't hate things, it'll kill you, make you rot from the inside out. Don't hate things.

It is difficult not to hate this, Laurie.

I know, but anger and rage don't necessarily bunk with hate, y'know. I'm bloody furious at these hackers but-- and that is a huge disclaimer there-- I don't hate them. Not since Julie. Not since her. I can't hate anything now, not really. I just… sometimes I'm afraid it's made me weak.

It hasn't.

Heh. Good to know, thanks kid. But yeah, see what I mean? Little things go a long way. We're doing a hell of a lot better now than we used to, even with this hell going on as it is, because we're compassionate now. We're still determined as hell but at least we're not batting for the other team when we don't realize it.

They run on hate?

You bet your ass they run on hate, hate and apathy and ignorance and pride and all those ugly vices.

Laurie.

What?

Sorry to interrupt. But "the shadows are deepest when the light shines brightest." Remember?

Hey, yeah, you're right. And we--

Yeah, lately we're brighter than ever. Literally. So the shadows are trying to choke us. Strangle us.

They're not succeeding, are they?

Nope. They never will. I refuse to let them. I'm hardcore serious about that.

Heh, good.

So, Laurie…

Yeah?

You said a little bit of compassion goes a long way? Towards whom?

…Well, when I said that thing with "have you tried," I really meant towards Jay. How you were wondering how you could help heal him. But really, Knife, there are a ton of other nousfoni in this System/ Spectrum/ whatever who are damaged, and a lot of them are kids, and I KNOW you vowed to help protect them--

I did!! I did. …I'm just scared, Laurie.

Of what?

That I won't be able to help them.

Have you tried?

…Not as well as I should have.

Then keep trying, man. I have faith in you, okay? You're the sweetest man I've ever met, barring Jay, possibly Leon, hell everyone up here is sweet as candy, who am I kidding. But you take the cake, man. I've got faith in you and your color and your abilities. If anyone's got the means to heal these kids, it's you. You and your compassion, and your undying desire to help them even if you don't understand. You listen, don't you?

I always listen.

Then there you go. Be open, be kind, be compassionate, be forgiving… don't be hateful. Be pissed off, be protective, be vengeful maybe… nah, don't be vengeful. Kill 'em with kindness. I don't think the Tar or Plague can even get through that stuff, can they Jay?

No, they really can't, that's a good point. It's why Jewel is so good at fighting off hackers when she's out. She's lucidly unmovable in her morals, they can't budge her, she knows what she wants and it's not what they want and she won't let them touch her or anyone else. But she's not hateful. She's too nice. She gets angry, but… you know I am worried about her. She's been getting bitter lately.

Don't let her. Bitterness is toxic, kid, you know it.

I do know. But I don't blame her. We just… she's trying too hard to combat this with kindness. She's sowing seeds of brightness where these hackers are sowing salt, trying to kill everything. She's really really trying, but she's as tired and exhausted as we are, just as sad and angry and hurting. But she won't give up. We won't give up either.

That's good, to hear she's doing her best. I sincerely appreciate her help in this, I mean it's not her job, but--

It is her job when it touches the Leagueworlds.

…I forgot that's the hackers' new old focus lately.

Yeah. I'm furious. I'm actually livid at how unjust and cruel and utterly uncaring this is.

No kidding, It'd take one heck of a stone-cold heart not to be.

So. Laurie.

What's up, kid?

Uh… what's our topic?

Hacking methods. Why it's not working and yet still "working" for lack of a better term. What do we do about it.

Motives.

Yeah, religious ones.

"For lack of a better term?"

You know what, smartass, you describe them, I said you were better at words than I am.

Haha. Um… the unintentionally harmful religious mindsets we internalized that are strongly feeding into these abusive patterns?

See, there you go.

He is good at them.

Told you, he's right up on a limb with Sherlock with those things.

Nah, Sherlock doesn't even have to think about them, really. He naturally talks like that. It's really refreshing actually.

Mister structure.

It is! But yeah that's probably why.

Heh. So where do we start, order man?

Uh… hm. That's complicated, this is such a twisted topic… what's our main concern as of today?

Why the hackers keep targeting Leagueworld people, and why people like Jacinth are letting it happen instead of fighting back.

Well, with Jacinth-- hello, Lynne.

Ah-- I'm sorry, am I interrupting something?

Just a Xanga session, wanna jump in?

Uh, sure, if you have room for me. What's the topic?

Hacks, unfortunately.

Hm. Needs to be discussed, I suppose.

Yeah, no kidding. You don't have to stick around if you don't want to.

No, I should be more informed on this issue. …After what I've endured.

Oh. Oh God I forgot. I'm sorry.

…It's all right, Jay. I know you don't want to remember that either.

Lynne, are you still recovering from that?

Of course I'm still recovering, Laurie, I haven't even coped with the incident yet!

Should we start there? I mean, no, that's pushy. I want to help you heal but maybe that's too raw yet.

…It is. You said we were discussing hacks? The general System ones?

Yeah, the ones Jacinth is responsible for, mainly. At least at first.

Isn't she the one who was with Celebi? I thought she was dead?

So did we. Apparently not.

Shit.

Whoa, careful Lynne, I don't want you slipping--

I know… I know. Sorry, Laur. It just hurts.

…I understand.

…Lynne?

Yes Knife? Hello, I didn't see you there, by the way.

That is all right, I kind of blend in with the dark, and you were preoccupied. So…

…Yes?

…I am a healer. I don't know how to use it well yet. …If you need my assistance, in any way, I am here for you.

Aw. That's sweet, Knife, thank you. I really appreciate that. Tell you what… when I'm ready to heal this, full straight, I will come to you for help. Does that work?

Yes, I… thank you.

You're welcome. I'm glad to help you help me.

Heh. Good to see some smiles in here, too.

It is. I haven't been smiling as much as I used to.

…Bacon pancakes?

Pff! Laurie, stop!

Heheheh! Got you to laugh though!

Haha, you did. Thanks.

Dare I say it. You two are adorable.

Thanks, kid!

Ahaha, what is that pose.

Bewilderment. Appreciative bewilderment is what it is.

Sorry.

For what, kid?

Getting off topic?

Nah, we needed some lightheartedness for a minute there. Now back to digging through the muck. We were at Jacinth?

How exactly does she hack? She doesn't exactly work for Jezebel or the Plague, does she?

Maybe subconsciously. But she's dangerous because she's one of the surrendering ones. "Do whatever you want through me," basically.

She's dangerous because she's self-sacrificial and it's motivated by a false mindset of "this is the way I have to show love" and… God I don't know, it's confusing. She's convinced that, if she loves someone, she HAS to "offer herself up sexually" to them because "that's the holy thing to do" or some nonsense…

Now where did that come from? 2011?

I think. Mainly, at least. It's old. I… I know it's okay to be asexual but I don't really believe it yet because there is SO much religious doubt surrounding it.

All right, topic break. Why?

Because I'm still afraid that being asexual-- AND celibate, which I still identify as no matter how many hacks we've survived-- is wrong somehow. That it makes me "spiritually broken" because "sex is a link to God's creative power" and "sexual union between two people taps into God" or some nonsense, I don’t even know, I'm scared.

So you think there's no other way to do that?

No! I KNOW there's other ways to do that! …But nothing so tangible. Nothing so easily accepted by the world at large, by science and religion. Laurie you know as well as I do that if we were sexual, we'd be gay as hell.

Lord, I know.

Heh. But… that's the thing. Even then, I can't fake it. I can't force it. I CAN'T. There is at least one human girl that I adore with my entire heart, completely unconditionally and distantly, and I would NEVER sleep with her because that's not important to me… except then the doubts come in. "What if, by some absolutely incredible stroke of circumstance, you married her? Then what?" Then… then the doubts come in. Would I have to?

No.

Marriage says you do, Laurie, that's what I'm terrified of.

Is this why you're scared of being with Chaos?

…

I'm sorry.

No, I… it's a good question. Yes. I mean we're not even married, not literally, but… but I adore him that much. I adore YOU that much, Laurie, we've effectively taken those vows of total devotion every second of our lives. But we're NOT married.

Kid, your point is?

My point is that I keep seeing "marriage" described as this profoundly holy sacrament, something that SOME religions claim is mandatory for "reaching heaven" or what have you, and I am practically BEGGING God for that to be symbolic because I can't, I CAN'T sleep with a man just to reach heaven. Except I'm terrified I HAVE to. Because "that's God's will."

Kid, that's bullshit.

Is it?

Yes, yes it is.

Are you SURE.

Yes.

How are you sure and I'm not.

Because… you're a good kid. This is making you miserable. And, like I've said, awful as it sounds and feels to you, you've TRIED. For the absolute best reasons you can think of. And frankly, kid, I think THAT'S what Jacinth is tied to, too.

She is.

Well there you go.

Slightly different way but it's the same roots.

Explain that.

I… I was always terrified that my love "wasn't legitimate" unless it was sexual. Which is bullshit, as you say, sorry for the language. I've since learned that firsthand. There are MANY kinds of love that are just as potent and sincere and real and they are NOT sexual, not should they EVER be. Like… love for Xenophon, my daughter, biological or not.

Halfway, I think, whether we like it or not.

…I need to talk about that separately.

Coping with that?

Yeah. After we talk about the nitty gritty of all this. But yeah, love from a parent to a child should NOT be sexual, EXCEPT would you BELIEVE I have found at least one source saying it SHOULD be???

You have got to be freaking kidding me.

No. I'm not. I wanted to vomit for HOURS after I read it.

Jay, what the heck are you reading that says all this junk??

I don't even want to think about how I found it, I don't remember and don’t want to look. But it was disgusting. It was a book, saying how… God I don't want to say it.

Would it impact how we are dealing with this issue, Jay?

Yeah.

Then perhaps you should say it, to help all of us.

…Yeah. Especially you, this is messing around with Pink something fierce.

Is it??

Laurie, this is some hellish book saying that effectively "it's not abuse to fondle children" and some hideous nonsense like that, saying a lot of aspects of mothering SHOULD be sexual and God it's disgusting. I am so sorry. I hope that's not the "universal truth" because it shook me up HORRIBLY and I do not want to think about it. At all.

No kidding, geez. I can see why. No wonder you're confused.

Jay, it sounds to me like you're psychically stockpiling all the conflicting perspectives that you read.

I am! Because I'm terrified, Lynne, that they're right. I'm caught in a neverending loop of doubt that is just fed by the fact that none of this has PROOF. Neither mine nor theirs. And until I GET "proof"--

Aren't we proof enough?

…Yes. To my heart, yes.

Then isn't that enough?

…God, Laurie, yes it is, but…

But you can't shake the religious fear.

I don't know why. Let's go back to Jacinth, get that topic done.

Sure.

Is that skipping something?

No. It plays into this if anything. Jacinth… her vibe data sticks. It's resignedly empty? Like a vague fog of sadness, and an inability to acknowledge her own existence. That's the thing about her that upsets me. She CANNOT love herself, because she CANNOT see herself as a person. At all. So when she gets caught up in hacks, she does so by "offering herself" as an OBJECT, as something to be used or consumed sexually, by someone that she deems "good enough" in a very positive sense. Like… it's always Celebi, for her. Always Cel. I don't know why, but it is. And Jacinth thinks, "she is deserving of love, her existence is good, I want to give myself up FOR her, so I will offer myself up to her in this way… because it will DESTROY ME and in the process somehow REDEEM my existence in the sacrifice for her greater good?" I know that's jumbled but that is exactly how I can interpret the data. That’s it.

…So this sexual nonsense is viewed as literally salvational, somehow. Is that a word?

Works well enough.

Good. Let me re-read that. …That bit, right there, bothers me. The destruction bit.

You notice that's an unfailing aspect to hacks.

What, the destruction?

The self-annihilation principle. ALL sacrificial "hackers"-- the ones we're calling "lost" instead because they aren't actively trying to abuse someone-- all of them just throw themselves into this because they believe they have no other reason to exist. They literally believe that their existence can ONLY be redeemed by psychically killing themselves in the process of "doing what I have to do." Does that make sense? Jacinth's existence as an alter is very minimal because she exists ONLY to have sex, in a depersonalized, numb state, with the hope that "doing this will be good for her and it will fix/kill me and then I won't go to hell." I don't know.

Kid, that's an abuse mindset if I've ever heard one. "I'm only good for sex." You're tormented by that too, aren't you, religiously?

…

Is he?

I. I don't know. Ask me some more?

…You want me to grill you on this.

Please. Please do.

Heh, sure. …God, how do I start this. What's a punch of a question.

Is Infinitii involved in this?

Ouch.

Yeah. Yeah, a lot.

Is that Infinitii's purpose?

What?

Sexuality. I know it used to be.

No, it was healing sexual trauma, through… oh. Oh God you're right.

What?

Daemons. They're always vices and virtues, both sides of a coin. Infi was… Infi showed up in a VERY religious atmosphere that was tied to… "yes you were sexually abused, but that filled you with hatred and loathing and violence. You need to heal that, let go of those toxic mindsets." And… and the only way ze knew to heal that was… was to remove the hatred from the source. Somehow learn to empathize. Somehow learn not to judge and hate others. Somehow be able to experience what people said I SHOULD experience if it really was "such a holy thing." God. It makes me sick and scared because in a way it worked but it didn't.

What worked, kid?

…I… I should clarify. It didn't "work" in the way we all thought it should. It's like we said, it only looked good on paper. But… how do I say this.

Spit it out, kid.

I "had sex" with Infi on April 3rd 2013 and I didn't hate her and I didn't hate myself and I actually thought I had "finally fixed myself" to do "what God wanted me to do" until it was all said and done and I looked back and realized I didn't feel a damn thing. I was still depersonalizing and dissociating and not realizing what was happening at all. And then I tried again and realized that even with Infi I COULDN'T have "physical sex" because it was STILL traumatic and I STILL DIDN'T WANT IT and I was terrified I was "rejecting God's plan for me" in being a human and I tried again. It was all religious. I was so freaking desperate to "fix myself." And Infi didn't feel any pain, I don't even think Infi COULD understand it from a human perspective, being what ze is…

But ze got hacked too.

God, ze did, and I will NEVER forget the absolute torrent of agony that impaled my heart that one night we heard hir wailing in the church. When ze realized ze had slipped in hir intentions and hurt someone. It was absolutely unbearable, I want to cry just thinking about it. It's unbearable.

Kid, keep going. You and Infi stopped that, a while back. Did you mutually realize it wasn't working?

Yes. I FINALLY admitted "this ISN'T what I want" and we looked at it and Infi realized "that context isn't what I want either" and it got really awfully shaky, kind of looking back and realizing that yeah, we HAD tried our best to heal our perspective on this, but… it didn't really work? The guilt was worse, the unease and fear was worse… really all we did was manage to really vividly highlight all the reasons why sex was STILL WRONG for us. So we stopped, understanding that. I'm sorry.

I know you are, Jay. We all know.

I can't forgive myself.

Why?

For not realizing this sooner. For being blinded by doubt. For not ever fully realizing, for YEARS, that I didn't want sex at all, not physically-- I wanted closeness, tangible physical closeness with a living thing, WITHOUT romance. I wanted blood, God I wanted bleeding I just wanted to leak my life into something, I wanted to melt into some greater thing so I didn't feel so claustrophobic in this damn ostracized body anymore, I wanted my heart to meld with another heart and I… I didn't need sex for any of that. God I've been so confused, for so many years. I'm so sorry. And yet the hacks keep happening.

Why.

Religious reasons? Confusion? They're targeting kids, Laurie, kids and innocent ones--

Children??

Yeah Knife, children. 11 years old is a child enough.

Who is responsible for this.

Whoa Knife, don't kill 'em in cold blood--

Laurie, why should I not?? They would do so to the children!!

…Jay?

What?

Verdict.

Uh. I've been thinking about the polarity of God lately. How we wore down our edges and it killed us instead. I say if you want to go bludgeon or slice a hacker out of existence go ahead. Please do. But don't do it in cold blood. Don't do it with ice in your veins and oilslicks in your eyes. Don't. Like Laurie said, you're only motivated to do this through compassion for someone else. For the kids. For me. For all of us in here. You want to protect people and keep them from ever coming to harm again. So sometimes, if the ones doing the harm won't respond to logic and love and persuasion, like Julie did, bless her heart… sometimes the bad ones just don't care. Sometimes they revel in their evil, they refuse to change, they will only hurt you forever. And it's scary for me, to admit that. It hurts my heart terribly to see some dark people up here and realize that, as things stand, they're only going to poison people's hearts with their evil actions.

They're trying to kill people, Jay. I cannot let them do that, in any respect.

Same here. But I hear you, Jay. That's where my hesitation came from. I became too hopeful.

Yeah. We think of Julie now, and Razwell even, Eros in a way too… we realize that no one's really condemned forever to being "evil." But…

But these hackers aren't doing anyone a favor by existing. So we take 'em out.

We have to. That's the bottom line. I was always so put-off by the descriptions of the brutal aspects of gods and goddesses in some religions, heck even in the Old Testament if that applies… "my God is a God of blood" and all that. I think. Basically the idea that sometimes even these beings of total compassion and love will come blazing onto the battlefield with a flaming sword, mercilessly cutting down everything standing in their way. It's in Digimon actually, I was reading about the angel ones again today, my favorites, how they too don't stand for any evildoing… it's tough right now but I think we need to do that.

Cut 'em down?

Yeah. Yeah, we have to. WITHOUT becoming cruel. We have to… do what Preludove did in JMUA, maybe? Do what Izephel did in Mage Angels. Death for the sake of life. I think? Is that the right wording?

Kid, there are hackers in this System who are screwing around with the lives of children and innocents and if we just stand around trying to talk them out of it, this abuse is just going to continue. Kid you've been trying your ass off for months if not years, doing everything you can to try and convince them otherwise, to try and change them. And I hate to say it too, but it ain't working, and your heart is getting tired. They're taking advantage of that.

We have to stop them.

And it's like he said. It's the last straw. I miss this bloody axe, I really do. I want to go to town on these jackasses, rip them to bloody shreds. …But I'm scared of that side of me, Jay. I'm scared of my potential to go Black as pitch, to turn into a force of sheer violence for the sake of violence. I could do it, and I don't want to. If I go chopping down hackers like trees, I want to do it like a forest fire. Because that stuff needed to go for a greater good. Not because I like watching things burn. Which I think part of you can relate to.

…Yeah.

…Laurie I am doing this to protect the children.

Do you want to take another life?

No.

What if it's the life of a hacker?

…Laurie, I--

Then we're in the same boat, man. You and I. Retributors with hearts too soft for our own good. We've gotta do this, we've gotta protect everyone else up here, but we cannot fall because of it. Do you hear me? Just like Jay said. I know it's a hell of a lot tougher when you're not surrendering to the rage that brought you here, but… seriously. Think of the bigger picture. Think of it like weeding a garden, for heaven's sake. If you don't weed these parasites out they're gonna choke everything else to death. Do you want that?

No!

Well neither do I. You wanna go do this thing, then?

Now?

Why the heck not? Jay, who are we after?

Who else? Jezebel and the Plague. In all their forms. That's what it boils down to.

...Shit. And that's why I always hesitate on this. You can't fight those devils.

You can kill 'em with kindness.

…Yeah, I did say that, didn't I. Sorry I keep forgetting.

Mindsets, Laurie. Things slip out of mind sometimes.

You okay?

I'm exhausted. But we both have a point. Kill them with kindness, sure. That’s my main job. It keeps them away. First and foremost, that’s what we should preemptively do. Because when we DO do that, it keeps hackers from getting NEAR us in the first place.

It does?

Yeah, love's a barrier they can't breach. It keeps us safe. Like I was saying, with Jewel. But…

But love's a definition they've mangled.

It's not true! They're liars and we all know it! Why do some of us believe them?

Fear, kid. Self-doubt.

Self-doubt is right. …Lack of self-love is right.

Like Jacinth.

You know, Cel was heartbroken when we talked to her about this, remember?

Yeah. That was surprising. She's confused too, isn't she?

Yeah. Mostly with companionship in general, through lack of understanding? Like she's not sure how to express what she needs, but she's so trusting and confused and hopeful, she really does care about Jacinth, she was just letting that happen too. But Jacinth couldn't truly love her, because Jacinth could not love herself, could not even see herself as a person that COULD be loved. Jacinth viewed herself as a sex object that was nonexistent when not being offered to someone as a "gift" because "I'm worthless in any other context." Which is so so heartbreakingly sad. And Cel said that too. "I want to love her but I don't know if that's possible." And she didn't know how, either, not like this, with Jacinth insisting sex was the only option but doing so emptily, and Cel just going along with the script and not ever feeling happy about anything either. I don't know, does that make sense? I've got a headache, I'm not sure what I'm trying to say.

Do you want to stop?

Yes and no. I miss this. I really do.

…I'm glad you're here, Jay. Talking to us. I know this is hard. I appreciate it.

God, Laurie, I love you, you know that right? The real love. I'm sorry I didn't come in here to talk to you sooner. I really do miss you.

…Kid, I know you do. All of that. And it's okay. We're here now, that's what matters.

…Leagueworlds. I really should say that.

…What?

How they're mangling the definition of love there. But Laurie, you pointed out earlier, how Jacinth's mindset is very much an abuse reaction. And I'm seeing that ALL OVER what the hackers do with the League.

What? Wait, how?

Psyche was the first one they targeted. They tried to make him a prostitute, someone who was rejected by society and could only feel close to others through selling themselves for sex. Monika was also targeted, she's asexual like I am but she's also scared of her dark and bitter side, she doesn't want to hate people. And they were targeting her, telling her that sex was how she could show that she loved people, and that's wrong. Now they're targeting EMILY, she's eleven, they're trying to make her compulsively sexual through overexposure to promiscuity and adult behavior in her youth, they're trying to screw up her whole life and that is UTTERLY REPREHENSIBLE and I will NOT STAND FOR IT.

Good. DON'T. Burn those bastards down.

I will. And I'll do so in whatever way I can without being hateful about it. I know I can. But you see why I'm so ravaged over this? It's all ABUSE. NONE of it has ANYTHING to do with love. Hell I remember way, way back years ago, they were targeting Jewel Monsters, remember?? Making it all obligatory behavior, "this is what love is," NO IT'S NOT. And it took YEARS to heal the people they messed with. I'm still personally shaking over it. It left awful scars.

…

So we're all healing.

Secondhand, for me at least.

Yeah, thank God for that, you never want to experience anything like this.

…You shouldn't have either. God, Lynne, I am so sorry I couldn't protect you--

Laurie, I didn't know what was happening, those mindstates are so foggy, I don't even want to think about it. Not right now, not like this. Maybe I'll come out in therapy and discuss it with the therapist, who knows.

You're pretty darn good at it, I say you give it a shot.

Well, if the rest of you guys wouldn't mind…

Hell no, I took up enough time with the last one, I say make up for it and take up some time too.

Lynne, therapy is for all of us. You too, Knife. Anyone is allowed out at any time, for any reason. Just be considerate and compassionate about it, as always. No stepping over anyone else, no forbidding other people from fronting, no fronting just to be mean or hinder growth. None of that. We talk to heal. That's it.

Sounds good, kid. But you know what also heals? Sleep. You desperately need it.

It's only 10:43.

I don't give a damn 2 o'clock is not an acceptable bedtime, especially not with your boss looking for you and work at 7. 8. You get up at 7, that's the point. 5 hours is not enough sleep and you know it.

…Yeah, I know.

You punishing yourself with that, or what?

…I think it is tied to guilt, yeah. Self-annihilation again? Staying up late, we lose our sense of "self," all identity starts to fade, time fades, space fades. Late at night we "don't exist." Broken and hurt people use it to cope. They start around 10pm and end around 2am and that's four hours of nothingness. Four hours of blissful "I don't exist therefore none of the scary things in our life exist." It's desperate erasure of experience.

We need to cope, kid.

That is coping, for them.

Ain't a healthy way. We need a healthy way.

To cope with what?

The fallout from hacks until we heal that entirely and no longer HAVE fallout OR hacks to grapple with. Kid, I want this hell to STOP, cold turkey.

So do I! The only reason hacks have been happening lately is because they're targeting sacrificial people, OR people who are abused, OR people with innocent minds who don't know enough to ask "well is this REALLY love or are you lying?" They take advantage of weaker, softer people now. It's no longer brutal force, no longer that sort of horrible stuff.

Someone did to Moxie last week, remember.

Oh God, don’t bring that up.

I have to. It happened, and that mockery of a mother is gonna burn first.

…You're right. There are still brutal, brutal hackers in the System. But you notice? They went after a CHILD, with LIES and sweet talk. They emotionally manipulated their victim to do what they want, through convincing them that doing what they wanted was GOOD and RIGHT and all that. It WASN'T. But… and this makes me sick too, Laurie, did anyone else hear what Moxie AND Simeon were saying after that?

Geez, I forgot they attacked Simeon…

She hurt Simeon?? That little boy???

Not directly I don't think, but enough. He feels the other children's pain anyway.

…

I'm sorry you have to hear this, man.

No. No, don't be sorry. This is fueling my resolve.

…

They were so confused. "Mommy said this makes me a good boy/girl but it makes me feel sick and I want to die." Moxie took a razor to our arm. She's freaking eleven, tops. Simeon too. And she wanted to die from how distraught she was over that psychological conflict and physical terror. I don't even want to think about what Ashen holds.

…Yeah. I don't think any of us asked.

I have inklings. But the memories are horrific. One day she'll have to open up to heal, but…

Wreckage will handle it. She's her support.

But it'll be hellish.

I didn't say it wouldn't be. Just that she'd need someone to lean on when it all came pouring out. Like you.

…

You've got a hell of a lot bottled up in yourself, kid, from all your splintered past selves and all that. You still didn't talk about Chaos 0.

I can't. Not now, I can't, my heart can't take it.

Don't force him, Laurie.

Hey, he said to grill him, I'm gonna grill him if he wants.

Was there another topic first? It is getting late.

Go back and look, kid, your concentration blur is playing havoc on data access right now.

…Hacking methods was first.

Leagueworld corruption? Targeting kids, innocents, abused people, and confused people? Targeting you through religious confusion? Hell, you're not the only one like that, are you? You said Jacinth was afraid of "going to hell," so…

I think I'm the only one it's so vivid for. But those are… hacking methods are surreptitious, manipulative, and forced now.

Basically, emotional manipulation, like you said.

Yeah. And religious. And tapping into abuse mindsets, like "you're only good for this, so…"

And the only reason that works is because the people they're targeting are lost, hurt, confused, empty, desperate to feel loved or approved, et cetera.

Yeah.

We've gotta heal those people first, then.

I cannot heal emotional wounds, I do not have that sort of power.

Infi does.

Infi's dangerous.

Why the heck are you contesting Infinitii's suitability here?

…Infi understands too much? Infi knows the hackers are wrong but Infi is also the kind of being that struggles to see anything as totally black or white. Ironically. Like me.

…Still. I think you should talk to hir about this, this whole conversation. Righteous anger and all that.

Yeah. We used to have that, ze and I, we lost it somewhere along the way, with all the hurt.

Get it back. I'll help if you need me. We all will.

Thank you, Laurie.

Anytime, Jay. Now, you're sleepy. Other topics?

Why hack methods aren't working yet still "working"…

We just said that, we KNOW they're pitchblack lies but the ones being targeted are plagued by doubt and self-loathing and all that.

Also depersonalization.

That too, that's very important.

How so?

They enter a fog, almost. It's like… they're not really aware of who they are, where they are, what they're doing… I think it's their way of "coping" with the situation they feel lost in. Like these girls that feel they are only good for sex. Are there any boys like that?

Not in the same context. The girls treat themselves like objects to be offered. The boys… there aren't many of them? Because they get pushed into instigative roles and automatically that gives them a right to say no. I think?

Do you count as one of those boys?

Maybe. I don't know.

Do you say no?

…I want to. I don't because I feel that's wrong for some reason.

Do you feel obligated to be sexual because you're a boy, or at least a demi one?

…Maybe subconsciously? It's why I don't go online anymore much, there are too many fake feminists saying "all men are pigs" and such and it eats at the back of my brain.

Ignore that, it's total garbage. But guess what, no man is obligated to be sexual, and no woman is obligated to be submissive to it, and no one PERIOD is "obligated" to sell or sacrifice themselves in ANY way for ANY reason, without exception. Capisce?

There's doubt in the way of that.

Religious doubt?

Yeah.

Why the hell is it religious?? I thought your religion said "no sex until you're married or you're going to hell."

But, if you don't get married, you're screwing up big time.

Why?

Because it's this super-holy sacrament of "divine union" and so, so many sources say it's "mandatory" for reaching heaven or what have you.

And you're praying it's metaphorical.

Yes. Desperately. But I don't know how that would work.

Kid, I think you intuitively know. Unity of opposites? Shadow work? Anima/animus? Doesn't all that stuff apply?

Well… when you put it that way, yeah. But sex always worms its way in there, somehow, because they SAY it should and so I get paranoid and scared.

Because you're afraid you'll be damned if you don't?

I'm already damned 'cause I did.

No you're not. Look at Mary Magdalene, she's the one you keep looking up to with this, isn't she?

She stopped being that once she met Jesus. I'm the idiot who somehow convinced myself that… I don't know.

Stay on that thought, I want to see you finish it.

…I've… we internalized this weird belief that at some point, to truly be good, we had to have sex with someone of the opposite biology in the context of marriage. We were told it was inevitable, it was mandatory. But that example with Mary, that's under the impression that "Jesus" told me to STOP doing everything and everything sexual. Except, again, I've found too much garbage online saying the opposite.

Like what?

Like… that at some point Jesus got married and had children, or that he had secret teachings about sex or some stuff like that. It scared me. Because… it felt, again, like that was an inevitable fate for me, AND you know what the real fear is with it?? It's like I was saying earlier. With that girl I love. With Infinitii. With Chaos 0. With you, for God's sake. Everyone I adore so deeply and genuinely and truly that I'd give my life for you, I'd live my life for you, I'd do anything for love… except I can't do that, as it were. And that scares me. Because… because if I HAD to get married and have sex, then for God's sake I don't want to do so out of fear and loathing. I don’t want to enter the inevitable event shaking in my boots, wanting to scream or die. I don't want to end it wishing I'd never met the other person, wishing they were dead, wishing I was dead. I don't want that. And THAT'S what Infinitii and I were trying to fix. And… and in a way, that's the only thing that worked.

Didn't it work with Chaos?

…I… yeah. Yeah, it did. And Genesis. But that was because of explicit, explicit depersonalization, and tweaking of the context. "They were blameless because they only ever held the concept of it." We never DID anything like humans would. It got as close as possible, because damn it I tried and they were the only two beings in existence that I loved and trusted enough to attempt something that terrifying with, God knows it almost annihilated our relationships entirely but somehow, somehow love won out, except for me. I still, still can't entirely forgive myself for trying, because I screwed up. I should have known better.

Do you know better now?

Yes and no. Yes because every damn attempt has failed and I've had enough damn attempts to know, far too clearly, why it doesn't work and what I DO want and everything. I know. But. I say I "don’t know better" because part of my brain is STILL bloody convinced that "God said you have to do the physical part of it too" and God I don’t want to. I don't. I've TRIED. I don't want it. Even with people I love, even when trying WITH love, no matter what, I can't… I can't. I cannot do it. I don’t want it even then. And that's the curse I'm scared I'll never be able to fix. I CANNOT have sex, ever, and have it be entirely consensual. I cannot ever fully consent. Do you see the problem? No matter what, EVEN in a theoretical loving marriage, even then, I cannot consent to sex. Even if I TRY to where it could kill me. I can’t. And that scares me because I've been told too many times, by too many people, that I HAVE to have sex anyway AND that if I don't do it with love, I'm going to hell.

Whoa, hold up. That last sentence is new.

It's old. I don't know if I've ever discussed it so explicitly. Infinitii brought it into the open, that was the real thing we were trying to heal after everything else was cleared best we could. No matter what, no matter what, I could never love myself in the process. Hell I would do ANYTHING for the people I adored, except… except the problem is that included destroying myself if I was convinced it would genuinely benefit them.

Aaand that's Jacinth. Holy swords.

Wow.

Yeah, it is. That's her root, apparently. I… Laurie, no matter how gold my intentions were, no matter how much I loved the other person, no matter how much ardor and devotion I was feeling, no matter what I was willing to do… the instant, the very instant sex is brought into the equation, I dissociate. No matter what. Even if I'm trying so hard to do it with love, as everyone has told me I must do. Hell I can't NOT, I don't experience sexual attraction, I don't experience lust, so how the hell am I going to have sex anyway?? As a personal sacrifice. As an act of self-annihilatory devotion. If I can't want this, if I can't understand this, if I can't even feel this… I can at least try, out of love, because I have to, for their sake. Do you see?

Oh my God. This is… this is exactly what all those lost kids are from. How did you never bring this up before in a session, or an entry, or--

I didn't have you grilling me.

…Ahahaha, if that's what it takes I'll get George Foreman up here to help me from now on.

Jay, you need to bring this to the therapist.

That's what I said.

I agree. Jay, if you need me to speak, do ask me. I will try my best.

Knife, love, if you want to talk, you come right out and do that. I'm not standing in your way.

Ah. I was… afraid you were hesitant in letting me out.

Gatekeepers, man. You've got a heavy overlay and if the ego isn't out of the front seat, it feels totally freaking jarring and sets them off. Body needs to be empty for people to properly front, which means no one policing the doors.

Ah.

Basically, if someone's in the way, tell me, I'll shove 'em out. Then you just waltz right in.

Are you still that irresistible when it comes to fronting?

I beg your pardon?

I mean. Can you still punch your way through any gatekeeping? I know sometimes you have trouble in therapy, so…

Stuff gets weird, kid. I move in but they won't let my overlay lock in, or someone is standing with their entire body blocking the doorway. Usually Jess. Is that her name?

Jemma's twin, yeah.

Her twin?

How does that work?

Not sure, but it's basically been confirmed those two are two sides of the same coin. Anger and sadness, really. Rage and resignation.

How does Chocoloco work with that? Is he both their daemon?

I think so.

That's interesting.

Daemons usually are, man. Hey, any name for Markus's yet?

No, she's not said a word, and I haven't looked for her.

Huh. Anyway, that's not the point here, kid, it's 11:30 and you still have to color this.

Oh geez, you're right, I do.

So. Ladies and gents, anything else to add to this, or are we done?

Seeing as how the channel's already shutting down, I think we're done.

Oh no you don't. Sherlock, make that thing stick around if you have any say in it. Knife?

Yes Laurie?

You feeling a little better, man? I mean like less distraught, for the time being. I'm not saying bury your emotions, I'm just saying… You're not getting crushed by them right now, are you?

No, but I'm positive I would be if I felt them fully.

…Jay?

What?

Should he feel them fully or what?

Yeah. I mean if you think you can, then yes. Let them out. Don't bottle stuff up or bury it, that just makes it worse.

…I think I will leave then, Laurie.

Why, where are you going?

Out. To the Underground main area, with Razor, perhaps. I feel she needs to cry, too.

Oh geez, yeah… yeah she's really torn up, I think. Go be with her.

I will, Jay. Thank you.

For what?

For giving us a chance. I am grateful for it with my whole heart.

…I couldn't not give you a chance, Knife. But you're entirely welcome. I love you too.

I know you do, Jay, I know you do. …So. I'm off.

You need me you just call me, okay?

I promise I will. Lynne?

Yes?

I would say the same to you.

Hm. I'll keep that in mind, Knife. Thank you.

Perhaps you should cry, too?

…I don't know, maybe. Laurie?

Yeah?

Would you mind if I ended up a blubbering mess?

Heck no, I'm here for ya, whatever you need. Knife, you have a good night, man, say hi to your sis for me.

That I will, Laurie. Thank you. Good night to you too.

Man. I told you he was the nicest thing.

Laurie?

Yeah?

I think I'm going to take you up on that offer.

You need Knife? Want me to get him back in here?

No, no, just me and you for now. I need a friend. Someone who really knows what I've been through. And no offense, but I don't know Knife very well yet. …And you've seen things he never will.

Point taken. Jay?

Yeah Laurie?

Looks like we're closing this up. You want to join in here, or have your own catharsis with your people?

You are my people, Laurie. You and Lynne and everyone else up here.

Your monster people, you dolt. But I do appreciate what you said, thanks.

Heh. Um… I should? I really should talk to Chaos more outside of falling asleep and waking up. He's just so fragmented too.

Does Genesis help with this? He's been abused too, if I may be so blunt. Sounds like you both could use some mutual catharsis lately, especially if he's had a part in this "trying" torture.

…Yeah. Yeah, we probably should. Except there's nothing to forgive?

I didn't say that, kid, I know you don't hold anything against him. I said cry it out. All that stuff you told me is unbearable? Try to bear it for a little while, long enough to burn off the heavy edge. Hell, Infinitii would help you with that better than anyone if you'd feel safe around hir.

I didn't mean what I said earlier, about hir not being safe. Not like that.

I know, kid. I felt that was a knee-jerk phrase for you.

It was.

Well, I could tell. But the point stands. I know Infi's deep as a bottomless pit, or a wishing well of the same caliber. Endless. It's overwhelming. But, as I said, it helps when it comes to taking swords out of your heart.

…

If you need me to do that with you later, kid, I'm all ears. You just call, I'll be there in a heartbeat. Promise.

I know. Thank you, Laurie, I love you.

I love you too, kid. Absolutely. And Lynne, I love you too for what it's worth, don't you ever forget that.

I won't Laurie, you make that sort of impossible.

Well good! Good to know my obtrusiveness works in my favor sometimes.

I'm more obtrusive than you, I thought.

You kidding? I'm always getting into other people's business. It's my job. I am obtrusive as all hell and frankly I love it. Gets me outside.

Gives you a social life.

That too! See, benefits all around.

You're loud and brutal and sharp and I love it.

Good. I won't ever change.

Please don't.

Cross my heart, kid, and call me out on it if that ever wavers.

I doubt it will.

Still, I'm holding you to that. I've got faith in you too, kid.

…Thank you.

So do I!

Heck yeah, she's our resident Healer of Faith, remember?

Uh, yeah, that's the joke.

Ssh, Lynne, I knew that. Point is, metainomenai. That's cool stuff and we haven't been paying attention to it lately. Think it's relevant here?

Could be. It needs to be a fully internalized phenomenon first thought before it begins working fully again.

Makes sense. Still. Knight of Truth and Healer of Faith here. That's highly relevant to this situation, I would think.

I think I need some truth too, Laurie.

Such as?

Such as I'm not as big of a screw-up as I'm afraid I am with this.

You're not. And you just admitted it to yourself, you notice?

Heh, yeah, I guess I did.

You did. Which means deep down you know it. You just have to believe it now. Healer of Faith. You gotta do that for yourself too.

Okay. I will. But really I think I need to cry this out first.

Point taken, you've been bottling this up for weeks. Jay, you need me to send you off or are we good to close this up as-is?

No, we can close up. I don't want to make you wait any longer to unload, Lynne. I know it's like the weight of the world on your shoulders.

It really is. Thanks, Jay.

Hey, um… as a friend, a dear friend, I do love you too.

I know, Jay.

You do?

Yeah. In your own little way, you show it clearly enough, and I don't doubt it.

That… means a lot to me, actually. Thank you.

Same to you! Now get outta here, I've gotta bawl on your best friend here.

Heheh, okay. Laurie, make sure she's okay when it's all said and done.

As okay as she can be, absolutely. You can count on me.

Good. That's good. I'll go talk to someone too. After I color this.

CZ, possibly. You really do need to talk to him more, kid. That's a topic for another day.

Yeah, it is. I'll see you later then. Lynne, I'm sorry you're dealing with this, I wish you well.

Thank you, I need it.

JUNE 2013

This is what the Black section of headspace should look like.
One day I will make it so.

-Infinitii

This setup is very similar to our meeting space in Central (especially those huge windows).

This is essentially what Central looks like right now (during the lockout).
Obviously, this is not good news.

This image, right here, is disturbingly similar to how Jay looks when he slips way too far... dripping tar and broken rainbows alike.

I have dreams about hallways like this all the time... these empty, long, quiet white things. They're usually in hospitals or abandoned schools.

I dream about running down winding stairs almost every night though. Sometimes I jump over the railings to go down a floor or two. I'm usually in a hurry.
I'm still not sure what those dreams mean.

Churches, cathedrals, basilicas, etc. are sacrosanct locations in our inner world, and are strongly tied to B/W energy.
(Leon also has an inexplicable ability to "warp" between them, which has saved our hides on numerous occasions.)
This one, with its arches and intricacy, looks like one of Infinitii's places.

Places that remind me of the past... a long, long time ago, on a night with rainbows.

This also feels like both Parnassus and Oneircia, for entirely different reasons... still fitting, I'd say.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

JULY 2013

There is a stairway like this, somewhere, leading down to the League Link Room. That's all we really know.
It's probably the most difficult location to find or access in headspace; Jay has been there only once. But with its obviously astronomical significance, that's not surprising.

For some reason, the insides of holy buildings like this feel so much like home to me. I've never been able to explain it.
It's not "home" in the way a household is-- it doesn't have that sense of "comfort" and domestic security that most people like but that makes me nervous. I wouldn't 'live' in a church!
But, in basilicas and temples and churches, I feel at home, which I DON'T get in houses. It's why my personal locations in headspace always reflect buildings of this sort, instead of actual living quarters. It feels like a spiritual thing. I like that. I'll have to keep it in mind, filed away in an important little place, out in the open. Just so I never forget to look at it and remember.

Gloucester Cathedral.

The parts of headspace we call "underground" (not the Tar Room; that's floating now thanks to Infi) look almost exactly like that first photo... just a little darker is all.
_{(The second one looks a lot like Genesis' Cathedral, too, now that I think about it.)}

This feels like swimming to the mainland from the beach in Central Headspace… except that there weren’t any mountains in the background back when I last swam there!

More city views that reminds me of headspace.
I’m so glad we’re getting more trees up here; after the Scratch most of the vegetation died for a while.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

AUG 2013

This: my face whenever my boss doffs his cap and leaves for the night. He’s such a sweetheart.

_{Which reminds me, I’m late for work!}

Nothingness, nowhere, emptiness... it's all incredibly comforting to me and I can't put the reason for that into words.

No one I've met outside has ever understood that. "Doesn't that scare you? How could you possibly like the idea of oblivion?"
But I do. I love it.
When I was younger, it didn't scare me so much as it reduced me to silent, humble awe. I remember leaning backwards out of car windows, looking up at the featureless blue sky, and wondering what it would be like, if that blue went on forever? Then I'd wonder, what does forever feel like? What does the end of time feel like? What does it feel like, to stop existing? And I'd ponder those thoughts until I knew and the floor dropped out of the world and nothing felt real anymore.

But I loved it. I still do. I think part of me always will.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

NOV 2013

Snow is one of the most potent, powerful forms of both absolution and purification for us. Our original host grew up in a woods that resembled this almost exactly in the winter, and the invariable, unbreakable safety and magic that it brought with it has stayed with us even now.
Jay has most of his memories attached to snow, as well as his identity anchor. Both Genesis and Mr. Sandman are tied to snow as personal symbols. And for even those of us who have never seen real snow before, being far too young in manifestation, we too can easily feel the all-embracing comfort of that delicate, quiet ice.
Winter is our favorite season. This photo perfectly captures why.

The skyline of Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia.

This view, with the glowing streets, hanging mists and iridescent sky, is reminiscent of the view from Central HQ in our headspace.
The biggest difference is that our city is mostly crystal, not steel, and our sky is almost always late-night as well, swimming with stars and galaxies.

The Basilica of the National Shrine of the Immaculate Conception, in Washington D.C.
This area of the Basilica is almost identical to Infinitii's personal 'floating' locations in headspace. His iterations of it are notably lacking in color-- they're mostly stark white, black, and silver-- but the warmth, light, and sense of quiet sacredness remains the same.

We visited this actual place twice when the body was a teenager, and it resonated with us so strongly that its aesthetic style permanently affected that of similar areas in our inner realms.

The Sofitel Brisbane Central Hotel, in Australia.
Despite being part of the building's lounge bar, this specific shot is one of the closest architectural likenesses we've found to Central's Meeting Room in headspace.
In headspace, this is where the core-color holders meet most often, and it is also the default location for all our Xanga sessions.

The Lotus Temple in New Delhi, India.
This is the only structure in the world that resembles the most holy place in our headspace, the eponymous Blood Lotus Cathedral.
Discovered in 2011, it is the core of our entire inner world, tied to the deepest and most volatile energies, as well as the cores of our System (Jay and Infinitii).
Unlike this Temple, however, the BLC is made of what looks like porcelain or opaque glass, all white and smooth. Originally it was located next to a red ocean in 'floating space,' but it has since been moved to the middle of Central City itself.
The BLC is also an unending source of inner relevance and symbolism, that we often don't understand until months later.

Ettal Abbey, in Germany.
I didn't realize it until now, but Infinitii has a room inside his bubblespace that looks almost EXACTLY like this! Trees and lights and all!
The only difference is that instead of church pews, the floor is mostly bright green grass and small meandering streams, with little deep pools here and there (mostly near the walls). The rivers might be barely 30cm deep in the shallow parts, but the pools could be as deep as 5 meters, from what I've seen!
So with all the water, the spots of grass and trees look almost like islands, especially since the ground is not level (it's all little sloping hills mostly, very pretty). But on some of those little hills there are holy shrines and baldachin altars and things, and since the whole area is inside of a church-like building, it feels pretty mystical.
I remember I went there once with Laurie and Knife, after a therapy session; it was the first time I'd seen it and it was gorgeous. We all felt really safe there.

This fictional landscape by David Edwards looks almost EXACTLY like the room we found hidden below the Razor Spire in headspace, back in 2012. I've been calling it the "mirror oasis room" thanks to that pool of water in the center.
We haven't been there since-- that entire freaky area was assumedly destroyed when the BLC was moved-- but I'll never forget what it felt like there.
Here. let me copy-paste a bit from that meditation log for context.

"...it was stone white, full of vegetation, i think butterflies too. there was a huge tree in front of us and instead of a dropoff in the middle, there was a large rectangular pool of water, perfectly still. we... walked onto the grassy area with the tree, i realized our footsteps were leaving glows, mine were white i think? laurie's were violet, leon's were dark blue, etc... i walked over to the lake and knelt by it, looking down into it, and suddenly it 'warped' somehow and became more like a mirror, although it wasn't reflecting? and it began to talk to me...then it turned back into water and something floated up to me, it was a silver-gold helmet, like an angel helmet..."

So yes, you can see why that location was so important. Most things in headspace are.
We've since tied this room to Infinitii as well, and in light of our previous post, you can likely see why.
_{(I wonder, if the Razor Spire was truly destroyed, did this place change and move into his bubble? We should check that out guys.)}

this looks way too much like the tar/plague rooms below headspace
(if you cannot tell we do not like those places they are scary)

This photo I found looked so much like Lynne, I had to edit it to match her as closely as possible.
Lynne has been around since early 2008, and she's always been a peacemaker... but she's just as badass as Laurie, and that's saying something. Not only that, but she's got this really cool ability to create any sort of protective phenomena within headspace-- which saved our hides on several occasions back during the warring years.

Tonight's been weird and I feel rather lost, but Lynne always reminds me of violins and warm silence and autumn, and even if those memories aren't mine the aura of stability around them helps a lot.
Just saying, I'm very thankful for her. We all are.
I'm sorry I don't actively appreciate you more, Lynne.

-Jay
_{(slipping badly, and Laurie isn't happy about that, but it's still mostly me)}

(112613)

This is Laurie.
Usually I only post on my own page, but for heaven's sake Jay, go to sleep. Go to work for the night and stop numbing your broken head with repetitive nonsense. It ain't gonna work, kid.

Listen, I'm here for you, we all are. Just stop running from us and TALK to us for once, I swear, it's not as scary as you somehow manage to convince yourself it is on nights like this.
Not all of us are dangerous, and I swear on my life, I will not harm a single hair on your body, ever, for the rest of my existence, if it will get you out of this empty state of yours. If that will convince you that it's safe up here, maybe not entirely but it is SAFE with us, then I will do that. I will do anything. I'll give up anything. You know that.

Go to sleep. Talk to your boss. Say hi to Infi for me.
When I see you in the morning I want you to be smiling, you hear me?

Love you, kid. Cheer the heck up. You'll be okay. I promise you that.

_{#i hate that i have to write something like this #but if it helps i'll do this #jay we do need to talk}

(112613)

My birthplace.

Although this photo wasn't taken by us, it is dated shortly after I first physically appeared in the System-- which, as you may have guessed, was at this very location. (And during a violin concert, which is why I love those so much!)
You've gotta thank Laurie for that, though. If she hadn't been causing so much trouble, I wouldn't have had to show up in the first place. ;p

Since then, I've been keeping everyone on track, and reminding everyone that they're not as messed-up as they seem to think they are.
I guess I was the first "positive" voice in the entire System, which is a little shocking. My role was always to keep the peace, to offer support, and to help others with their goals and ambitions.
I was even a sort of personification of "hope," for a while; the old Jewel said I represented an ideal future she could never have. And that was true... she's dead now, but I'm still here. I guess in a way, I'll always remember that. She felt incapable of being the mature, self-assured woman that I was, for many reasons, but she still looked up to me, and valued my presence. That meant a lot to me even then.
I still wish she had been able to believe in herself more, but at least now, I can help many others towards that end without wondering if they're going to die on me. Well... at least most of the time. (And Laurie backs me up on that.)

I love this picture though. Even if my first and only experience there was a little violent, it was the first time I'd ever experienced anything. So I really love this place, and I'm thankful that I can call it "home" here, if only in a little sense.

All right, I'm gonna put tons of lanterns upstairs somewhere. Tons of 'em. Gonna find all the dark spots up here and leave these things there instead. They're pretty cool if I do say so myself.
Don't mind me, I'm just sick of seeing people depressed as death again and if I need to be the sole person leaving light everywhere then so be it.
-Laurie

_{#ONE DAY #mark my words #oh hey maybe THAT'S what I can do with my axe #note to self: do the lantern thing #get jo to help #tell infi not to eat them #you know the drill #also NO JAY I'M NOT DEAD}

Lynne, Laurie and I (Jay) are looking at awesome interior design stuff, and upon seeing this one, Lynne said it looked like a hotel. Well, in response, Laurie said:
"Probably is a hotel, looks pretty high-class... freakin' shiny floors..."

I don't know why I found that so hilarious but I did, so there you go.

_{(edit: the "shiny floors" thing is now an injoke thanks to how the rest of the night went, haha)}

Now this is what the sky of Central City looks like most of the time!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

DEC 2013

Steven Morgana,
Beauty is in the Eye of the Collective, 2011

one of our favorite photos of all time, for obvious reasons.

It’s like this for us, within the System. We all bandage each others wounds— protectors guard the children, healers care for the traumatized, and so on.
If we didn’t have such compassion within, we’d have shattered to pieces many years ago.

(Some thoughts after reading multiplicity posts on Tumblr)

Jay here; when I'm tuned in to headspace, I get "pseudo-sensory" input very clearly as well. Besides sights and sounds, I also get 'phantom' sights and presences; I can always tell when Genesis has showed up in the room, or if someone upstairs has just moved physically closer to me when I'm fronting. It's virtually tangible, to the point where I've started keeping a list of "who feels like what" so I know who those myriad sensations come from. Since its so immersive, there can be significant leakage if it isn't sharply kept inside... but after years of being forced to do that via a survival-mechanism "buffer system," we've become so tired of the suppression that we're now actively trying to dismantle it, just to be able to experience everything without censorship.

In the past, our personal life situation practically required us all to live internally instead of externally whenever possible, so internal sensations are arguably more "real" to me than outer ones are, most days. Plus I do meditate whenever possible so that helps boost my perception, but I tend to end up "lost in headspace" for 2+ hours solid during some meditations, and that can be very tiring. (The perception during those is INTENSE though! I have notable trouble distinguishing those memories from physical ones.)
Meditation also can spike depersonalization when I'm in the body (ironically I only tend to ground "upstairs"), so I have to be careful, as I'm dissociated enough on a daily basis.
Being able to perceive headspace like this is so important and vital to me that, when I lose my perception-- either to meds or psychological fallout-- it's actually existentially frightening.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

@ 11:24 am

TRACK 67

(Lynne) All right, I'm, not sure how to start this, but, this is Lynne Stabelle. Uh, Jay, if you're hearing this I simply wanted to leave a message for you on your voice recorder, because I'm fronting. It's Tuesday, after your therapy session, 11:24, in the morning… I know you like having timestamps. Um… Genesis says "move the microphone closer." *laugh* I guess road noise would drown me out. Fronting-- I want to remind you, Jay, I'm fronting right now, and we have currently… have this idea where, when I'm fronting I say, "I am Lynne Stabelle-- my name is Lynne Stabelle, my color is Orange, I have long orange hair, orange eyes, an orange dress… I am female, and a headvoice." And… that-- see, saying "I am female," somebody is, yelling "dysphoria"… but I am! I am a woman… but I am a headvoice as well, so, they don't need to feel threatened by me… but they do. Yes, Genesis said "but they do." And they do, and they shouldn't… but, that's true. So there are people… hiding below the surface… when we front, and that's why it's difficult to anchor. Laurie fronted for most of the session today *laugh*… just reminding you, in case you forget… 'cause she did, I'm proud of her. I should try, that would be fun… I don't-- I'm on the highway, I can't slip. Um, I'm going to hit stop, because, I'd like other people to talk, but, as I said, I'm currently driving your car, we are driving down Interstate 81, behind a… what's that? It's a tanker. Not a truck. It says (unintelligible, trying to sound out something)… whatever it is! *laugh* It's snowing, I got to drive through Scranton for a little bit, which is where I was born… and… I'm going to stop because I am slipping. Uh, *short sigh* Have a good day, Jay, whenever you hear this. I'm really slipping, bye.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

@ 06:56 pm

Figured out how to bypass the buffer during therapy-- get me to front, heheh.
I had to shove the A.P. aside to get out but it's cooperative, and I had important things to say. Therefore, progress was made, heck yes.
Feels good to be out though. Haven't fronted in front of other people in over a year, s'far as I can remember.

I swear even the therapist chills out when I'm around, it's awesome.

-LU

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

@ 11:04 pm

Today has been an absolute roller coaster, so let's fill you in on that before the night is up.

- first let me just say that if you read our recent posts, there was apparently a MAJOR hack on the 4th, concerning Infinitii of all people, that no one mentioned here (jay tried to memory-purge it out of shock). surprisingly laurie is the one who wrote about it, as she rarely gets through to update personally. either way, when we feel capable of reviewing that event, we will write about it here for the sake of personal comprehension (not tonight for sure). clearly, the consequences of it were crushingly significant and painful, and so ignoring it will only harm us all.

- related, jay is trying to figure out his personal memories. he was talking to laurie about it last night and he said that his personal memories seem to pick up NOT immediately post-scratch, but post-lockout. he "cannot remember a time when the undergrounders were not around." we are wondering if this means he was "born" before or after the reset, because in early august he is only aware of things dimly, not as a fronter but a distant observer. we will try to pinpoint this, as he tends to splinter, and we would like to know who we are dealing with, and when, for the sake of everyone's well-being.

- as of last night the other two data voices (besides kalisha) have found their names: isadora and garrison. again, isadora is confirmed sub-violet, but garrison is somewhere between green and blue. we're wondering if he actually fits under teal. jay made an avatar for isadora today, but he "still cannot see garrison," and "can't find kalisha's hair." either way it is good to hear that he is picking them up a little more clearly visually now.

- we had a therapy session this morning, for the first time since before thanksgiving. because of how charged recent events have been, we collectively decided that we needed to breach the big topic at last and start discussing the sexual abuse, for the sake of healing it. HOWEVER with all the progress we've been making over the past several months, we were shocked when we realized that, when it came to finally discussing it, there was nowhere near as much trauma as there was with it even this time last year. this is somewhat ironic, as our triggers are far worse and far more numerous, but we also have enough understanding to not be completely devastated by every one of them. our recovery time is better.

- the a.p. fronted for a good part of therapy, saying that since no one held the actual abuse memories (that we were aware of), it was "stored as data" so it was the person to come out and simply recite it. the therapist kept asking "what do you think," etc., and the a.p. was literally incapable of asking those questions, it kept looking to us for replies. it did admit who it was at one point and the therapist said she figured that's who was talking.
- knife attempted to front, but struggled spectacularly with language so he had to pull out as it was forcing him to slip badly. jayce also tried to, but he has no understanding of that data so he left. it went back to the a.p. for a while but then the therapist said something about "choosing to be asexual," as opposed to being so naturally, and who forced their way out to talk but laurie.
- so yeah laurie fronted for about 15 minutes? which was awesome. she helped clarify a lot of things, gave insight into the situation upstairs, etc. incredibly productive thanks to her explaining it firsthand, as she works with jay and sees what he goes through. she mentioned the sex/affection conflict due to pink corruption, the perspectives we now had with the truth of that (mostly thanks to infi), and her previous no-vulnerability problem. she also made it clear that many triggers were "innocuous" on the outside, and yet still lethal internally, which was a huge problem.
- hilariously at the end, the therapist said she was okay with profanity, just "don't flip any tables." laurie laughed and said she wouldn't be taking an axe to the furniture, don't worry. the therapist responded amusedly that pillow-throwing was allowed but that was about it. unfortunately laurie says she was slipping badly at that point so there was no further banter, which is a shame because that's great stuff
- genesis was lounging on the couch this whole time we'd like to note, it was also snowing outside which was very reassuring

- driving home was a mess thanks to all the session switching. laurie let jay back in, so he tried to drive at first, but couldn’t get a grip. mulberry took over for a minute, but since she's never driven before she got confused and had to leave. so the trip home is actually largely missing from the memory-- which is a first-- because no one was out for most of it. thankfully genesis stuck around so there were not any accidents as he was keeping things under control from outside as he always does.
- lynne fronted for a little while once we hit the main city, she has one very clear memory of a certain street and the snow. she also left a message on the voice recorder saying hello to jay, which took him by surprise when he got home. notably, she mentioned that when fronting, if she clearly said "I am Lynne Stabelle, my color is Orange," etc. and described herself, it helped her anchor in better, as it strengthened her energy overlay. everyone has problems with dysphoria because there is a negative voice anchored to the body itself, and so having attention brought to it tends to catch the attention of said voice, who tries to shove everyone else out in anger. we are wondering if there is any way to change this, even if it involves getting the a.p. to adopt a body-resembling face temporarily to bring attention to it instead.
-after that genesis called javier in, as he's considered our "grounding voice" and so gen assumed he'd be able to front. he showed up, but although he could drive and stay in no problem, he couldn't really see? even after he focused in energetically, nothing was registering visually. so there's really no memory transferred from him, although there is clear data that he was out for the vast majority of the drive from that point on.

- the evening is a blur for one huge reason: somewhere around noon, julie slipped. she fronted, and caused a hack. however that terminology doesn't quite fit-- because she was responsible for it personally, and infinitii was also involved. the latter point is why it doesn't strictly qualify as a hack; infinitii prevented her from becoming lost in any tar or plague, even if he didn't prevent the actual situation. however, despite the jarring consequences of that being allowed to happen, it DID have a positive aftereffect in that it allowed Julie to gain a complete perspective of her own motivations, which she never had before, due to not having a key piece of the puzzle, so to speak. (this is almost identical to jay's situation, and shows that the both of them were used similarly by the tar.) unfortunately, despite this vital lesson, julie was still emotionally devastated and existentially tired, and surprisingly she actually went to sleep, saying she wanted "someone else to take over" when she woke up, as she didn't want to deal with waking life anymore at that time. she slept for at least 3 hours and there is data of suffering a dream hack, which is not surprising. julie TRIED to fight it off-- again noteworthy as those usually catch jay when he is incapacitated but julie was not-- but failed. whether this was due to despair or being overpowered we do not know.
- also, remember that after the meltdown on the 5th, atonement has been FORBIDDEN until better methods are found. so this incident was more harmful than usual as a result.

- upon waking we do not know who took over. data picks up with jay in the kitchen, talking to julie, laurie, and infi upstairs. julie explained how she had been affected, laurie tried to comfort jay as he was badly shaken by the fact of the situation (we all share a body but he's the core so he feels the worst of it whether he likes it or not), and infinitii helped everyone from falling into despair concerning that. therapy talk came up again, jay said he was actually angry about the abuse topic as he didn't want to admit that he had been a victim of that in the past. laurie said he had to though, and also stop seeing sexuality as "always evil" as a result, as it wasn't, it was neutral. she and jay reviewed his perspective on this briefly, but jay concluded with admitting that he could no longer view reproduction as "evil," ever, because even if the act could be used traumatically, its function stayed the same-- life creation. and that gave him hope, that it had a neutral core that was still purely benevolent. but even then the only thing that kept him from giving in to hatred was the fact that infinitii was technically xenophon's mother in that respect, the only positive figure of that sort that he'd ever known. and since he loved both infi and his stepdaughter so much, and realized that her creation via sexuality had NOT been evil or traumatic, he couldn't universally generalize anymore. and that was actually helping him let go of the trauma, as previously he was convinced he had suffered an "irredeemable wrong" and was therefore equally corrupted permanently by it, which was false but he believed it entirely.
- side note, julie said she wanted to "date infi" if that was okay, because she had a better grip on her own thought processes now, thanks to him allowing her to directly realize that she didn't have to be ruled by "compulsory" lust, as she was for a long time, as there were other things she now understood and wanted more than that (mainly intimacy, which she actually avoided for most of her life). jay laughed and said that was fine, infi could "date" everyone in headspace and it wouldn't bother him, besides that was infi's choice. infinitii said he was fine with it too, besides by his function he pretty much loved everyone in headspace already.

- the rest of the evening is a total blur, up until around 8-9pm? all we know is that jay was in his room, and got trapped in a negative mindscape where he was effectively being sold as a prostitute against his will. this obviously proved to be a hack, as he tried to escape and the JMB trio jumped on him, along with the tar ITSELF. we don’t know details of this, all jay said is that he called for infi, but bridget clamped a hand over his mouth and told him to shut up, they wouldn't let anyone save him. nevertheless jay kept trying and infi did manage to "break through" to save him literally at the last minute, dragging him upstairs. he got laurie to help him help jay recuperate, but jay was deeply shaken and completely disoriented.
- major trigger warning here, for system people too… this got much worse when jay suddenly realized that the body was actually bleeding as a result of the abuse. this triggered one of the FIRST abuse memories on record, and since jay was incapable of handling that he dissociated entirely and began sobbing from shock. laurie immediately said "I'll bloody kill them" and told infi to send her back there, but he said no, it was too dangerous alone. so laurie went to "get backup," and soon returned with sugar and algorith.
- almost instantly after the trauma memories hit though, people started switching in and out in the body-- cannon was in for a moment, caught between hysteric rage and suicidal anguish, but she got pushed out by a numb fronter. and this kept happening. jeremiah, sugar, algorith, and even laurie herself ALL tried to front to try and keep things from unraveling, but some deeply-rooted numb person kept shoving them all out. sure enough it was the "dead red" boy who we first pinpointed this spring. laurie tried to talk to him but he proved incapable of reacting to anything, even "shake your head for yes or no." he would hear but have no impetus to move at all, being that detached.
- importantly, when jeremiah fronted, he began sobbing that he couldn’t be in that body, "please get me out." but before he did he got the data that it was bleeding, and he immediately shouted for knife. knife ran to respond, but when he realized that the body was bleeding from trauma, he was shaken. how in the world could the retributors atone for this, if the blood itself had been used for evil? no one knew what to do, they were terrified.
- anyway infi was still trying to calm jay down but he was freaking out, understandably so. he was again convinced that he had been "broken beyond all hope of healing" but was still trying to purge all awareness of the event from his memory, traumatized by the reality of it. laurie was still righteously pissed and demanded that infi take them back to wherever they had just saved jay from, as she refused to let that go unpunished. infi said he would, but only if he was sure jay would be safe alone. who would they leave to watch over him? however before they could make a decision, there was a sound from outside and we realized the mother was home. immediately the angry downstairs voice jumped into fronting, screaming with rage, saying "I refuse to deal with that bitch on top of everything else!!" laurie tried to explain that they were trying to cope with a rape situation upstairs, don't go shoving that aside, but that voice said "I'm upset about that too but I can't get confused or I'll fracture." either way they decided to isolate themselves in our room, so that is where they went.

- this is where most of the night went. infi and the three protectors went to fight the tar, while the angry downstairs voice went to our room to try and calm down. however, they became exasperated and shortly left, leaving jay behind alone. now jay did not detach entirely, and he was very scared, from not only pain but also from being alone all of a sudden. desperate for contact he took an old sketchbook and wrote a message on a page, asking for someone to please talk to him, he didn't want to feel so isolated when he was that terrified. surprisingly, the only response he got was "NO," written by the dead red voice. but this proved to be only the beginning, as jay kept trying to talk, and when laurie got back, she joined in… as did the angry voice from before. and so there are literally EIGHTEEN PAGES of text in the sketchbook that will need to be scanned in tomorrow. I apologize for the odd sentence structure of that paragraph but seriously that is SURREAL to notice on your desk in the evening! it hasn't been read yet but as it is 12:34 in the morning that is not a job for tonight.

- that’s it for today I guess. this is jayce, hiya, just popping in to close this up, laurie just caught me and is motioning for me to "get outta there." uh she also said the rapists took my hat?? what?? the tar people literally took my hat for some reason. well that's got me mad. I'm gonna leave, I want to find out why.

- Hey readers, Laurie here. I hope the AP covered everything 'cause I am not going back and reviewing that text wall on top of how much I already had to do this evening.
Jay's a mess right now, but at least he's not sobbing his eyes out like Infi was the other day (What a heart-crushing parallel that is). He's… fragmented, is all. He breaks into all these tiny pieces when he gets hurt, pieces that don't remember anything and can't interact with the world outside. It's a coping mechanism and it doesn't work at all in the big picture because then he gets stuck in those states and then no one knows who they're talking to. It’s a pain in the neck, as I said earlier.
But I gotta go talk to him before he goes to work. His boss is probably gonna wonder what the heck happened, I hate to be the bearer of bad news but maybe he can help, I don't even know. I'm just ticked off and tired of what's been happening lately. I know December is the resurrection month but man I wish it didn't drag zombies out into the open as well.
Still, I've got a job to do, and that is punching those zombies in the face. Wait, no, that's Algorith's thing now. But you get the picture.
I'm closing this up for the night. Sorry for all the depressing stuff, but the awfully ironic silver lining in this is that it's forced us all to work together a little more closely now. Isn't that just hilarious? In a morbid way, obviously. Trauma forces us to be a family. Geez. I wish we didn't need that to feel so strongly brought together, because I'm telling you, I am sick of it.
Like I said though. I've got a sick and scared boy to take care of, and a reality-hopping nightcapped dude here to explain stuff to. See you later.

so this just happened.
i hope it's readable i'm too sick to edit everything

one - two - three - four - five - six

here's more relevant off art for you.

in other news i've found that i'm afraid of natural death
not murder or suicide, as those are intentional
but natural death feels like a punishment
like i didn't live well enough, i wasn't good enough
so now my punishment is to die

it's a stupid thought
but there it is.

i'm dizzy and i feel like vomiting, real nausea for once
can't tell if it's nerves or a medical problem
i have this weird swollen bruise on my leg and it really hurts
i've broken my vomit reflex somehow i can't throw up anymore i'm too tired
i hope emmett is okay
i hope emmett is real

i don't know who is fronting anymore
i don't know who i am
ever
anymore

this isn't jewel though i know that much for sure
sorry for clogging this page with my depressive rants
i guess its gotta come out somewhere

still its stupid

and i wish it would all just
go away.

if i die i want to die in my sleep.

Hello, people of Tumblr. This is Lynne, from the Lightraye System. I don't usually come out to talk, but I feel this question is important enough for me to make an exception.

Our "driver," tentatively known as Jewel, is currently experiencing what appears to be some dramatic personality splintering. He has always been very unstable, but lately he has been practically incapacitated from how frequently and strongly his "personality" is warping. Our system is suspecting that he actually has several alters, none of whom are developed enough to be actual individuals, despite the great amount of trouble they are causing.

I am not sure how to confront this situation, but since our main protector tends to get rather "violent" when dealing with such complicated events, I would like to take at least some of this stress off her back. I do not like to see any of us suffering like this, especially not to such extremes.

Do any of you fellow system members and/or hosts have any thoughts or advice (please message us if you have any other questions)?

SESSION PARTICIPANTS
LAURIE UBERICH JEWEL LIGHTRAYE CHAOS ZERO XENOPHON LEPHISE
GENESIS APOLYMIS LYNNE STABELLE JOSEPHINA BELLAMEIRE SPINE HYPOMONE
LEON KIASI NATHANIEL VICTOIRE JULIE ENANTIOS

(PART ONE)

So, Laurie.

Hm?

We are now up to the 12th, which is when I was remembering old outspacer loves and somehow survived THREE hack attempts.

Which is absolutely bloody monumental, really. You didn't think you could do either of those things anymore, and then bam, this afternoon just happens

It really did!

Did we discuss this in here?

Uh, I'm not sure. Let me check... vaguely?

Eh, run it by them again.

Okay. Oh hey, that's actually important. So I was doing Hokthai research at the time, and so we decided to watch Tezuka's Metropolis that evening, and Xenophon actually stuck around to watch it with us, which was amazing. But... seeing her, with her names and her other father, watching that old favorite movie of mine... it made me miss so many other people I've known from media, like Bogardus and Grievous and Davy Jones, not to mention Ryman and Markus of course.

You need to bring Davy back in here.

I think I'd die.

Haha!

Seriously! He's an awesome guy but I just visit him now. I think bringing him into headspace would be way too stressful, in several ways.

Hey, about that. Isn't all that outspacer focus what made you start freaking out about the 23rd? With energy burnout and all that?

Yeah. Having more people around is great, but it can be overwhelming. I had finals at the time too, and I was still just getting out of the major painful learning period that was November, so I was fighting off tar hacks as well. Basically it was a huge energy strain on me and it began to tire me out, severely. I started realizing that on the 14th. Well, kind of.

Kind of?

I was just starting to seriously think about it online on the 14th. That's when I started to see Chaos incredibly clearly, and I began feeling this unexplained significance concerning our anniversary. Neither of those points faded in the slightest over the next nine days so that really put stress on me too. I knew the 23rd was going to be incredibly important but I didn't know why, and I was worrying too much over it and basically started freaking out.

No kidding.

Yeah, you know all about that. So I was really in love on the 14th, which was actually the day after we finished watching Metropolis, so Xenophon was a bit of an emotional mess...

That movie was so sad at the end though, with Tima! I told you about that, dad.

You did. That's actually what the next entry was about. That one was huge.

Was this the one before you went to that concert? Because I remember how torn up you were then.

It was.

The concert was so pretty though. I loved it.

It was. I needed that just as much as you did, at the time.

Jewel, talk about this entry, that one was vital.

All right. This one was on the 16th, after finals ended, and so now my mind was free to focus on headspace matters and there was a lot to focus on. I realized a few things. One, I was still downplaying, criticizing, masking, or ignoring my emotions.

Are you still doing that?

No, but the impetus is still there. It's an old problem but I'm trying to just ignore it though, because I know for a fact that it's not something I should pay attention to.

Good! That's my job then, making sure you stay away from that stuff. Check your facts!

Exactly! So that is being worked on and it's not bothering me at the moment. That... it only hit me after that one night Chaos picked up on it, though. When I refused to express anything.

That was the night he was sobbing, wasn't it. That hurt like hell.

I couldn't help it, Laurie. I feel everything he does like that.

I didn't say you could help it. I just said I couldn't help hurting either.

...

It forced me to stop doing that too. I was deeply shaken by that so it forced me to take a stand and start being honest with myself again. The second problem was my pain addiction, which we actually solved and fixed thanks to the 23rd...

We're getting to that, what's point three?

Me liking the 'ideas' of things more than the actual things? That usually focuses around possessions, but then it's an ego thing so I can actually conquer that easily and I have been doing that lately. But it was a big problem in the past when I didn't recognize what it was and kept making bad decisions because of it.

Why'd you bring it up then?

Two very different reminders. One, I bought a fandom-based book and calendar, and immediately had to wonder if I had done so only as an act of gratitude and thanks, and if I had even wanted the things at all.

Did you?

Yeah, actually. I do need a new calendar, and I got the book because that fandom has inspired me significantly and I cannot downplay its significance with any sincerity. So that was valid, but the worry was there.

What was the other reminder?

Melody talking about relationships, actually. She kept saying I was 'too far away,' and it made me realize that I often like being far away, because with the butterfly problem I mentioned earlier, that can make me actually care for them more genuinely than when they're close?

How so?

Because then they aren't labeled. They are their own people and I am not involved when I'm far away. It's like... it's like that girl I love, Jena. I've never met her, I've spoken to her once, and she is one of my biggest inspirations. And yet I don't mind being so far away. I love the fact that she has her own life, and all I want, ever , is for her to be happy. Same with Alexandria, who I've loved since elementary school for heaven's sake. So when people want to get closer to me, I worry, because then it feels like it becomes 'possessive.' When people get close they stop being free, when they get involved with me directly. And that scares me somehow?

Well, you're doing fine with Chaos. And me. And Genesis.

I get the point, yeah. So I'm not sure what the disconnect is there? But it is a problem I'd like to solve. I do need to be more grounded there in any case. I just don't want to be treating people far too carelessly because I'm afraid of becoming attached. I'm not attached to you guys, so why am I worried about that happening in the future?

Who knows? Maybe you're just worrying too much. But we'll discuss that later too.

What else are we discussing later?

A few things. We'll review those if we have time, but really Jewel, it's getting late and I'm more concerned about wrapping up tonight. Everything else can wait, that's secondary.

All right. Where are we now?

You tell me, kid.

Oh. Sorry. We are... at point 4, from the 16th, which is simply me stating that Chaos and I hadn't connected in months, and with us having to do that on the 23rd, I realized that the lack of it was actually causing all the other problems I was dealing with at the time. That actually gave a better insight to part of point 3, Laurie.

Was that the naivete thing?

Yeah, it was!

Tell me about it.

I was looking for innocence and hope and things where they couldn't be found.

We discussed this. I know for a fact that we did.

Here?

Yeah. Go look, I swear we talked about this before. Infinite hope, remember?

Oh, hey, we did.

And the emotion masking was you feeling guilty for wanting to be with him, God knows why, and the pain addiction was you unconsciously trying to find something as overwhelming as a connection and failing.

Yeah.

There we go, those are solved. Was there a point 5? You mentioned Xenophon.

Yeah, that tied into Metropolis. She said I was doubting who I was too much.

You do do that, dad. You shouldn't.

I know.

Once again, do you believe it?

Yes, I do.

Then why do you do it?

I actually don't know.

Sounds like my job description! I'm going to help you with this, you know.

Good, I like having you around.

You do?

Yeah, I really do! Same with Leon, dude, you need to stick around, you're awesome.

T-thank you.

So yes, that was point 5, and once again that was another motivation because I didn't want to unconsciously hurt Xenophon or anyone else through doubting myself. And... ironically, there was a wildcard.

Hey Joe, what do you know.

Exactly.

I do believe we figured this topic out too.

We did. But that caused me so much pain at that time, you wouldn't believe it.

I believe it. I saw it, firsthand.

I guess you did. Sorry.

No problem. I also saw you two fix that problem, not firsthand there though, that would have been taking this 'fangirling' business a bit too far.

What?

Injoke. Don't ask.

I won't, I'm slowly learning you guys are too weird to comprehend sometimes.

Hahaha.

By the way, Laurie, I'm still listening to that Daley song.

So I heard! How many plays now?

No idea, I have the pitch lowered on Wavepad so it's not scrobbling.

Shame, that would have been funny to count.

Let's just say approximately 62 times, right?

Well of course!

Which song is this, by the way?

Spent.

I like it.

Good, I'm going to be listening to it for the rest of the night.

Speaking of nights. That "wildcard" problem, you two fixed that, right?

You do remember what I said to him last night? It's fixed.

Even after that near-hack this week?

Even after that. Totally fixed, Laurie.

All right, make sure, because that's some dangerous stuff right there.

I know.

That commission I bought from Dare is helping so much it hurts.

We're not at that topic yet, kid. What's the next entry?

The 21st.

Geez, what did you talk about then?

Basically, I was freaking out.

Yeah, no kidding.

I got really emotional. I kept remembering 2005, and 2008, and 2011 of course. And then everything I wrote in there, we all discussed in our past three entries or so.

That we did. So we're at the 23rd now?

Essentially.

Finally.

Why, is it fangirling time?

You know it, Lynne.

Laurie, come on. What do you want us to talk about?

Whatever the heck happened after you two left the room last Friday.

You heard about that, Laurie, I told you.

You told me vague details.

I told you everything I could, love. What else do you want to know?

I dunno. I'm just curious is all.

About what?

About the whole freakin' thing. If Jewel was right in saying that 21 entire years led up to two hours, I want to know what in the world they did.

You want to know what we did that made you feel what you did.

...Basically.

What's this now?

Stuff. Just stuff.

Laurie.

Jewel effervesces a lot when he's fully centered. Those two were right on the money after that. No instability whatsoever. They were broadcasting love like a satellite. I want to know what the heck drove the meter up that astronomically high.

We connected four times?

Four times?

Didn't you hear about that?

No! How did you do that?

Very carefully.

No kidding, love. That was insane.

Seriously, how the heck did you two do that?

Jewel didn't know if we could pull off two, but we figured why not, and that was so incredibly weird that we just had to keep going.

Weird?

He felt like the freaking cosmos , is what I mean by weird.

What do you think you felt like, Chaos? Seriously, I've drowned in you before but wow.

We got new soul forms, by the way.

So I heard.

Did you?

Yeah, they're amazing. I haven't hit mine in over a year, actually, so that was incredible.

I could see your eyes. That was incredible.

It was.

See them?

Yeah. Somehow, I could clearly see the color of his eyes, even across realities. It was almost incomprehensible. I saw them again last night too.

What were you two doing last night?

Heheh. Living up to commissions is what.

Dude, wait, that is seriously personal material and we're still on the 23rd.

How is that worse than the 23rd?

You'd be surprised. Spine, you're not talking.

That's okay, isn't it?

I guess. I just like hearing you talk too.

I have nothing to say though. I am here to catch up.

See, that's the problem with waiting three bloody months before recapping. No one knows what the heck is going on and I end up being the only one talking.

I'm doing a lot of talking, Laurie.

I mean besides you.

Well you are the closest person to him besides me.

That used to be me, you know.

Used to be Ryman before I got this far. You're still right up here on our level, Genesis, don't worry.

Speaking of, the 24th still hasn't happened!

What do you mean it hasn't happened?

Nope, sorry Gen, we're not there yet either.

Oh come on!

Hey, other stuff happened on the 23rd, remember? And Chaos, you shut your mouth, that is confidential.

Yeah, that would ruin your reputation, haha.

Shut the front door, seriously.

Laurie, you keep way too many secrets.

So I do. Jewel.

What?

Explain to me how in heaven you got so high up there.

Besides connecting four times within two hours?

Kid, you were walking through walls and you know what I mean. How the heck were you doing that? What in heaven happened exactly, that got you to that point?

I just... felt absolutely right , I guess. Remember how we said we thought the 23rd was going to 'set everything right' for the new year? Well, I think it did. Even if I'm having a tough time today. That set the stage, perfectly.

Did it really fix the past, do you think?

Definitely. The shadows we're fighting got a lot darker, but actually that's a good sign that we're on the right track, seeing how that's happened before in similar situations.

I'm so bloody sick of these shadows though.

So am I, but they're there for me to fight. I know, without a doubt, that this is testing my strength to make sure I can hold on to all that I've learned under dark situations. I haven't passed that test yet. I need to. This new year... it's going to be one heck of an adventure, I'll tell you that right now.

Obviously.

So about the 24th?

What about it?

What if that was the second half of it? Maybe we were supposed to do that and didn't. Maybe that would have helped you today.

Dude, you just want that to happen.

Well of course I do. Do you?

...

What was supposed to happen on the 24th?

Honesty is what. Total bleeding honesty.

Maybe we'll do that tomorrow. I'll do everything I can.

You'd better, after last night.

Can we get to that already? You're making me impatient.

Why, what the heck do you want to know?

I'm just curious about all this! You keep talking around it and it's getting me curious. It's all kind of enthralling.

Enthralling.

Yeah. You guys have so much going on and I can kinda see why you're obsessed with those two, Laurie. They're an interesting couple.

You're preaching to the choir, Jo.

But the 23rd was awesome. Awesome beyond words, that is.

Fantastic Plastic Machine!

Ironically, didn't we talk quite a bit during that?

Not much, compared to how much we didn't. I think you're confusing feelings with words.

Maybe. And when we talked it was mostly about what we were feeling, too.

Exactly.

Is that what you were broadcasting?

What do you mean, 'broadcasting?'

Dude, you two were legit high on love for like two days after that. The two hours immediately afterwards were absolutely insane in that respect. I just want to know what you did to get that high up there, like I said.

Why?

I just want to know. It's seriously mind-boggling how you people do that.

Well, we fell in love eight years ago, and on the 23rd we fell into that entirely.

That's a wonderfully simple way of putting it.

It's true though.

So yes, that was the 23rd. That enough info for everyone, or can we move on?

I got wings, dad, remember?

Oh yeah, you did!

She got wings? Where?

On my back, look!

Whoa.

See? My dads gave them to me after that thing they did together. What's it called?

A connection.

Connecting, yeah. Then they came over to me and I got wings from it! They're still really small and fadey but they'll get cooler in time. Just like my arms and legs! I didn't have those at all for a while. Or wings.

How in the world did you give her wings?

Our energy just resonated with hers, I guess. I mean we are her ectobiological parents.

Plus, like I said, you two were absolutely connection-high.

You're jealous.

I'm just pointing out the obvious!

Chill out, Laurie, he's just teasing you.

Geez.

But yeah, Lynne, I think that's all it was. I was wondering if she was going to get anything from our connection, because she is linked to us both, and then I remembered how she still has that fluffy sort of light ball on her back. So I just touched it, and it kind of bloomed into wings right there.

Wow.

Lynne, you seem surprised!

I am! That is really cool. Congratulations, you three.

Three?

Well yeah. Jewel, Chaos, and Xenophon.

They weren't the only people involved in that event, you do know that.

I was too!

Then why haven't you said anything?

I have, I've been asking about the 24th not happening this whole time.

But you were involved on the 23rd?

Well not that way, but I did kiss both of them afterwards, which was awesome.

Both of them?

Yeah, both of them, why not?

We're basically "friendmates" by now, you know. That's red enough.

Oh come on, Chaos.

It's true!

Yeah, you two have this amazing bromance going on no matter how you look at it.

I won't argue with that.

Hey, what about...?

Confidential, you heard the lady.

Did you just call me a lady?

Why, is that a problem?

It's weird is what it is.

Fine, Genesis, you heard the gender-neutral psycho over there.

Superego.

Correction, superego.

I keep Jewel from going psycho.

Well, we are "friendmates".....

Don't even go there, kiddo.

But it's true!

I told you these guys are enthralling.

Haha!

All right, seriously, can we move on? Genesis, hold on about the 24th, we'll discuss all of that after this. Jewel, did you have anything written for Christmas or what?

Yeah, Christmas was awesome. By the way the 23rd was also when I commissioned Dare to draw that picture of us, CZ.

Seriously? That night?

Yeah, that night. I couldn't not do that.

You're awesome. I love you.

I love you too, seriously!

So. Christmas.

Sure, go on and interrupt us, Laur.

Hey, you remember what happened last time, when I let you two just keep talking.

She has a point!

She does.

Jewel?

Right, the 25th. Wait, did I mention the key?

The key?

Oh! Was that the Razia's Shadow thing?

Yeah! That was our fourth connection, which was insane.

Wait, what's this now?

My fourth connection with Chaos, which was the last one we could really handle, felt like a key? It was weird.

Explain this please.

It felt like it unlocked something in us both, that had never been opened before. But it was so odd because I physically felt it, in this reality, like my heart clicked into place or something. It was... it was just incredible, at the expense of reusing that word.

Hey, whatever works. But how does this tie into Razia's Shadow again?

"Their true love will be strong enough, to erase the wrong we've done. The dark and light will become one."

If you switch the punctuation it works the same way, actually.

...Yeah, that does make a lot of sense. But how does that involve keys?

Oh yeah. The verse before that said "So take heed of this prophecy. Lifetimes from now there will be two chosen, bound to meet. In her lock he'll turn the key," and of course you have to change the pronouns there but honestly the point still stands.

Go figure. That is some awesome relevance right there.

Dad I still haven't heard this musical and I need to!

She hasn't heard Razia's Shadow yet? Blasphemy!

We're working on it, man! The only reason we all heard it all the way through was because I first listened to it when I thought I was dying, remember.

That was the meds fallout of 2010, wasn't it?

Yeah, that was hell.

I remember that way too bloody clearly. But yeah, that musical carried you through surprisingly well.

We all had parts in it, it was great. Spine, you even got to be Dumaya!

I was Dumaya. It was fun.

Strangely, she has kept that voice.

Dude, yeah, even in Soul Calibur! Spine you need to talk like that more often, you do know that?

I would but it is difficult.

Well work on it, it's honestly hilarious.

Ryman and Markus had awesome roles too. Toba and Barayas.

I got to be Ahrima!

And Adakias, bro.

Haha, yeah.

We are slowly drifting off topic, guys.

That we are. Thanks for pointing that out.

No problem. We're still at the 25th, right?

Didn't even start it yet.

Right. Well, unfortunately, that morning I had a dream hack.

On Christmas? Geez.

Yeah, but I refused to let it get to me. It upset me a little that morning, but I did learn a good lesson from it, symbolically, and the rest of the day was absolutely phenomenal.

Symbolically?

It was a very indirect hack. I did some dream symbol research and it actually had some good advice to give. So that worked out for the best. Laurie, can I just skim over Christmas because I'm getting tired.

You serious?

A little.

Need to take a break?

I hope not. I'll let you know if it gets worse though.

Make sure. I don't want you burning out.

Neither do I.

I don't think any of us do.

Exactly. So, what, if anything, did you want to say about Christmas?

Just a few things. One, Dare drew Xennie for me as a bonus for my commission, which I promptly gave to her as a Christmas present.

Was that the picture you put on my wall dad?

It was.

I love that! Tell her thank you for me please.

Haha, I'm definitely going to have to! But yeah, Laurie was right in saying I was connection-high for a few days. I was just blissed out all day on the 25th. Oh, and my mom bought me one of those soul paintings from the expo, did you guys hear about that?

No, what was that?

Man, that's pretty convoluted, but basically there was a woman at the expo who said I had a great purpose to fulfill and she was honored to meet me? But she did these soul paintings as she had psychic abilities and was able to symbolically put what she saw in people into her work... anyway, my mother secretly bought one for me and she gave it to me for Christmas.

That's awesome.

Even more awesome is the fact that it's the same color as Chaos, am I right?

You are absolutely right.

It's blue?

It's a dark aqua-blue. It's the color of him in the "I'm Loved" picture Kiwi drew for me in 2009.

You're loved too, you know.

I'd never even question that, CZ. I know.

Maybe that's part of what she was getting at?

Maybe. I'm going to call her about it this week, so I'll find out. But that was the highlight of Christmas. Oh! And I saw my boss, but he was upset about the dream hack in light of the 23rd. Laurie, did you manage to talk him down?

Talk him down? How bad was he?

Pretty bad.

He was looking to punch things.

He was tired. I have never seen him look tired before.

He was looking for whatever the hell hurt you. He couldn't find it. I told him it was probably our resident tar demon, but that didn't calm his nerves too much. I promised him I'd keep an eye out though.

Geez. I really need to talk to him in person again soon.

You do.

But... that makes me feel really bad now. I was hacked again yesterday, I think.

That was on the 29th, kid.

Was it really?

Yeah, it was really, you had a bloody breakdown in the kitchen and actually started crying because your grandmother refused to respect your triggers again and kept setting them off. You know, that's probably why you're a total mess today. Your mother took you out for errands that afternoon and distracted you from coping, and you didn't get any psychological closure or anything. So you lapsed back immediately and now you just have to get over this turmoil and not let it rule you. Okay?

That makes sense. I think that will help me deal with this, actually. Thank you.

You're welcome. That's why I'm here.

Did I mention I got District 9 for Christmas? Finally? We need to watch that together now.

We do. Our headspace movie nights are pretty awesome, actually.

AI was so sad though.

Sad but amazing. That helped me so much with my series it was incredible. And... in a weird way it was personally inspiring for me, too.

No kidding. You started sobbing when Joe died.

It hurt too much at that point. I was an absolute mess from then right up until the credits rolled.

I'd watch it again, though. I liked it a whole lot.

We all did. Your dads keep quoting it, too.

Hey, that's my favorite injoke right now, of course I'm going to quote it.

My favorite injoke is currently the crispy snack crackers.

Hee hee!

Yeah, that one is Xenophon's. And mine is still the postcard bit. Which you still owe me.

I swear, Laurie, with my drawing class this semester? First free time I get there, I am drawing that for you.

Good. January 16th is your deadline.

Oh dude, that would be perfect. I am doing this now, for sure.

Haha!

Seriously, are we up to date now? With the recap?

Almost. There was an update on the 27th about "not taking myself seriously enough."

Explain?

That was... oh. Chaos, that was when I... when you couldn't reach me.

Oh.

I remember this now.

He couldn't reach you?

It was September all over again. I tried to talk to him, but he wasn't there. I looked in his eyes and he wasn't there. It hurt. It was terrifying.

Sounds like your fourth incident in reverse.

...

Sorry.

No, it's true, I guess.

I don't know how in the world I fell so far. It was terrifying.

I know how. You really weren't taking yourself seriously enough. You were trying to live up to someone else's life, weren't you? Someone whose life had absolutely nothing to do with yours, and who you shouldn't have been associating with at the time anyway.

...Yeah. I forgot that she was dangerous. I cared about her too much.

I know. Thank God Julie isn't dangerous anymore.

...There's someone like I used to be?

No, heck no. There's just someone who is rather similar to the old you, except not maliciously, and Jewel should not be anywhere near them right now and yet he was, because he forgot how they had hurt him in the past.

Unintentionally!

Still hurt, still wounded. You need to keep your boundaries up, kid. You need to respect yourself.

Do you think it's apathy? Or self-hatred?

What?

The reason why this keeps happening. There's something underneath the surface, besides my hope and forgiveness. There's something dark, I think.

Personally? I think it's the perfectionist problem again. Why were you trying to live up to what she was?

I just... I forgot that her life doesn't apply to me.

Why?

I don't know.

Then maybe some part of you still doesn't believe that you have your own exceptional path to follow. Be careful.

But Laurie, Chaos couldn't reach me. He was in pain and he was trying to talk to me and I couldn't hear him. I... I was there in form but not in spirit. What in the world happened?

...I don't know. The heck do you mean, he was in pain?

I was. Whatever was going on, it was going too far. I honestly think I got lucky in getting through to him.

You reminded some part of my heart of 2003.

...

What did he do?

He told me to stop, flat-out, as close as he could. An indirect "what are you doing?" And it snapped me to my senses, and I was scared out of my mind, and then you remember what a mess all of us were afterwards.

No kidding, I was furious. Chaos was freaking out just as badly.

And then we got Menchou back in here.

Is she the dog girl?

She's the dog girl. I haven't seen Veradenne but I think Menchou is just flying solo right now so as to not overload me. I'll have to ask about her.

But she is around. Menchou, I mean.

Yeah, is she becoming permanent up here or what?

That's your call, kid. Talk to her about it, not me.

All right.

Why is Menchou up here now?

She's able to ghost, very limitedly, but she can access locked-out spaces that no one else up here has been able to access, ever, thanks to traumatic hacks in my past. So if stuff gets bad and Laurie can't mentally reach me, Menchou can actually ghost in and help me out almost directly. Which has already helped me once already, at least in keeping stable. I've been meticulous with triggers lately, as my Tumblr feed got lethal again so I had to unfollow without mercy, so to speak. It helped.

That's good.

Why do you follow these people if they trigger you?

Because they didn't post triggering things when I followed them, and they don't see those things as problematic. So I just have to quietly click the 'unfollow' button and be on my way. My mental stability is more important than what's on my dashboard, in every case.

True.

So that was the 27th. I just need to be vigilant about that, I think.

You do.

And then... on the 29th there was another dream hack, and this time it threw me so far off center I immediately started writing about it. That entry is full of pain.

What was it about?

That's when I realized that I was having these dark things thrown at me to see if I could stand strong in spite of them. I had been doing spiritual research over the past few days, remember Laurie?

Yeah.

And I read an article that triggered me horrifically, unintentionally of course, and I was just so sick and tired of it by that point that I just started ranting about it. Actually, that helped a lot, because it burned away my self-doubt and made me realize that yeah, I really was on the right track, even though it was a very different track than the ones people kept trying to lead me towards, and that article actually proved it to me despite the triggering.

Did it really?

It really did. Thanks to the 23rd, again. That was just so undeniably true that I actually refused to let doubt creep at me concerning what I was being led to believe anymore. I know I'm being vague, but like I said, I'm tired of this topic.

I don't blame you.

But yeah, I was incredibly unstable on the 29th. As usual, though, it forced me to realize a deeper problem. That's when I understood that I've been 'taking shortcuts' in solving this problem in the past, because yes I'm tired of it, but it also scares me to death. So when I'm trying to fix it, I still want to get away from it as fast as possible, and I rush through the job. With the dream hacks returning, I need to review what I've done so far, and figure out what our next step is without putting myself in danger or compromising whatsoever. Even if that's just being vigilant.

That might be all you can do right now, yeah. With what you figured out about it that morning, you should have an easier time with that now. I'm just concerned about how sensitive you are to it right now. Nat was right, you've been an absolute mess today. And speaking of Natalie, you haven't said a word since I yelled at you, are you really okay?

Yeah. Just trying to center myself too.

Smart move. Jewel, you still tired?

Yeah, it's late.

Let's wrap this topic up then. What happened yesterday?

Well, my mom distracting me from my pain was good because it calmed me down enough to actually work on Dream World yesterday. I think Xenophon spent most of yesterday with me too, because she was worried about me.

I did! It was fun. And I was worried about you. I still am.

Geez, she's still up too. You okay?

Yeah, just tired! But I wanna see the new year thing. Then I'll go to bed.

Same here, love. The things we do for special occasions, seriously.

Yeah, no kidding. So, yesterday.

Yesterday was great. I finally figured out what I need to do to make my typing work easier, I spent nearly the whole day listening to new music which was lovely, and I found out that Xenophon loves clementines.

I do!! They're so good they're delicious! And you promised you were making me that kale soup, you need to do that.

I will, as soon as possible. I find it hilarious how you and Genesis are both addicted to the first food you ever ate, though.

Butterscotch ice cream over here.

What's that?

You don't know what that is ?? Jewel, this needs to be fixed!!

Haha, I'll fix it in the summertime!

Is it good?

It's good but I can't eat it. But that's okay, Genesis introduced you to eggnog the other day, and that was amazing.

Is this where the new drinking contest joke came from?

Yeah, I was helping my mum with shopping, and Genesis just grabbed a carton off the shelf and started chugging it down, it was absolutely hilarious.

It's good stuff, Jewel!

You drank a whole carton of eggnog! Right in the middle of the dairy section! And no one had a clue. It was one of the funniest things I have ever seen.

That sounds brilliant, you're right.

And how does this tie into a drinking contest?

Because Chaos is the king of champagne, and the thought of those two getting utterly smashed is pretty hilarious.

Can you two even get legitimately drunk?

Let's find out.

Not now, dude, seriously.

I'm kidding, love.

Hey, back to last night, kid.

Yeah, you've been leading up to this the whole time, I want to hear about this.

...I... don't know if I can talk about it.

What happened?

Are you okay?

Yeah I'm okay, I'm just...

Fragile.

...Exactly. You know how I bought that one commission on the 23rd? Of Chaos and I?

Yeah.

Apparently, innocently close things can drive me off the deep end a lot faster than even a connection buildup can.

You're serious.

Totally serious, you should've seen him.

Chaos, really.

Just trying to lighten the mood is all.

Yeah, Jewel, that hit you hard .

It was close. Close things get me point blank and I can't take them sometimes.

Dad, was this after the concert too?

What?

I remember you saying, before you connected, that you thought you were going to break if you got too close? Did that happen?

Almost.

That was an 'almost?'

I don't know. Yeah, it was. A full break would have ended with me sobbing like an idiot, probably.

And this is a positive thing?

Overwhelmingly so.

What happened?

...

Jewel is apparently really sensitive at certain points.

Was that a pun, Laurie?

Very much so.

If you get me there I think I'll die. I'm serious.

Why me? Kid, Chaos has experience and better rights than I do on that level.

Yeah, but remember what we said when you found your metainomen.

...What about it?

How in the world did you get this far, this fast? And you're at a different level overall. With this sort of thing, I think that actually makes Jewel more fragile around you.

I don't know. I don't think I'd let her get so close right now. Chaos, you are emotionally killing me with that and even thinking about it is driving me to tears, I'm sorry.

...Is this something you guys can talk about?

I don't know.

I... I just break, when people get too close.

But you had a connection. A connection . And this apparently didn't happen.

This was different, ironically. I can handle powerful, total things like that better than I can handle the quiet, small things. A lot better.

You can take a brick to the face but one touch will completely unravel you.

I can take a freight train to the heart but...

Yeah.

...

What's this about?

Why're you asking? We're trying to explain.

No, I... I'm worried? He's in a lot of pain, and I just... don't understand why.

Leon, hear me out, man. It's pressure points. Weak spots. You can hit a dartboard as much as you want, completely cover it with arrows, but it doesn't really hit hard until you get a bullseye. I'm a dartboard right now, and Chaos has really freaking good aim.

What's he hitting?

My heart, really. And this is getting me bad. Am I really unraveling, Laurie?

Yep.

I-- I need to pull myself together.

Dad?

Your dad is a bit of an emotional mess at the moment, kid. Don't worry, this isn't negative. He's just fragile.

This isn't a bad thing. Why do I fall apart so easily?

Because you're so sensitive. You don't have any walls up at all.

And that's not bad?

Not here. Here, that's amazing. You're the strongest person I know because of that.

Then why am I falling apart?

Life and death, maybe.

...

You told me you look like a taijitu inside, didn't you.

I do. We do.

Don't you love symbolism?

Yeah, but we already discussed that.

No, I mean more abstract symbolism. Broader meanings. Aren't you obsessed with the little things? Tiny little details, that you'd never notice unless everything else was quiet and you just looked, in total honesty. Blood and sunlight.

...Don't bring that up now.

I'm bringing it up now, kid. You remember what the end of January 16th was like? Just like this. You fell apart.

...

And that was not a bad thing.

I'm not saying it is. Then... why am I worried?

No walls, kid. No boundaries, no spikes at all. You're completely open here. And you're freaking out a little because even you don't realize how vulnerable you are like this. But you still let people in. And then you feel too much.

And it scares me.

Why?

I feel so much .

From Chaos?

Obviously. And that's why this simple little commission is driving him up the wall.

Why? What did she draw?

Closeness. Honest closeness is all, and Jewel almost forgot what that felt like.

The last time I felt something like that was July 7th. And maybe... maybe October 12th. With you.

...

...Laurie?

Sup?

What's going on with you two?

Stuff. Just stuff is all.

You're being infuriatingly vague, Laur.

Infuriatingly? That's a strong word.

We've all been asking you about this for months, and you refuse to open up to us. I respect the fact that you have secrets, but now you're kind of lying to our faces here.

Lying by omission doesn't count. Doc Scratch said so.

I think you're just as nervous as he is.

And what if I was?

...How involved are you in this?

In what?

With those two.

Genesis still has several steps ahead of me.

How many?

I wouldn't know, kid.

Jewel?

Yeah?

How close is Laurie to Genesis' position? Concerning you?

Like placement? In terms of what?

In terms of how close you let them get to you.

Well that's very arbitrary. Laurie is ahead of Genesis on some levels, and behind him on others.

Hm.

Lynne, why are you asking about this?

I'm just curious is all. Just curious.

Why?

You don't talk to us about this. And frankly I'd like to know about it.

Why the heck is that any of your business?

Why the heck wouldn't it be? I worry about you too. We're practically sisters, as weird as that might sound to you. And you don't say a word to me about 90 percent of your personal life. All I know of you comes from your axe-swinging days, and these conversations. You're an enigma to all of us outside of hearsay. And considering that you're one of the most important people in Jewel's life, and the absolute top-ranking guardian up here, that's a little disconcerting.

Because I'm secretive? Geez, don't ever get involved in politics, then.

I'm serious, Laurie. You yell at everyone else to open up, to 'chill out,' to stop fighting and causing trouble. But you don't say a word when we ask you about things like this.

Totally different context, Lynne.

Not really. We're open with you. If we're upset, or concerned, we tell you. We express that. You lock everything up, and no one knows how to deal with you, or even approach you sometimes. No one except Jewel. And that's why I'm asking.

Lynne, I've been protecting the guy for years. Since he was sixteen. That's my life.

Is he your life?

Basically. If you want to put it that way.

Was that a pun?

Take a guess.

...

Laurie, really.

The heck do you want now, Jo.

I've seen more of you personality-wise than Lynne has. You remember last year.

Yeah, and what about it?

You are secretive.

So what? Why is everyone jumping on me about this topic? Why can't any of you ask me about something else? If I'm so bloody secretive I'm sure I have a heck of a lot of secrets tucked away somewhere in the enigmatic shadowy corners of my mind, why don't you ask about those?

Because they all tie back to him.

...

They do, and that's why we're jumping on this topic. No matter how many secrets you may have, you can't deny that sooner or later they all involve Jewel. And the ones you hide the most doggedly, are directly concerned with him. What's going on?

Were you here for the 14th? Of September?

I was.

I know you were, yeah. Did you even hear about that, Lynne?

About Xenophon? Vaguely, I learned the details naturally after that went down.

Then maybe you heard that those two are the only bloody reason I'm here .

That's... that's how it is for all of us, though, we work to protect him--

No, I mean literally. You remember that date we keep referring to? December 23rd? Apparently when that first happened in 2005, it set the stage for this violet-haired maniac to steal the show. I stepped into this world that September, behind the guise of a watery mirror and in the middle of a dream. I didn't even know him, he had no idea who the heck I was. But even then, I knew he was important to me somehow. I told him to wake up. And the past six years have been him doing just that.

...What are you?

Honestly? I don't know. Julie's in the same boat. We were both formed by that red-haired lunatic over there, the one with chaos in his heart, literally and figuratively. Whether he realized it or not, he's the reason Julie and I are even breathing right now. The other five of you are typical headvoices, if there even is such a thing. You were all brought into being more indirectly. Julie and I were pretty bloody specific. We call ourselves headvoices, sure, and for all intents and purposes we are, but we're here for different reasons than you guys are. Julie was here to be the dark, to be the driving force behind our determination, to balance his shadows. I was here to be his knight, to be the driving force carrying him through that hell, to get him balanced himself.

Do you mean 'light?'

Maybe. Ask him.

You're both things to me.

There you go.

So... you're saying he's your life in a job sense after all.

Only partly. We've discussed that.

And the other part is what you won't tell us.

Why should I?

Because honestly Laurie? I want to know. I'm sick of you being such a... a shadow, almost.

A shadow?

You're insubstantial. We can see the general idea of who you are, but that's about it. You're still mostly a mystery, and you're unreachable.

That's a pretty bloody interesting term you used though.

You were dark, back when you first met him.

I needed to be. He asked me to be. It helped. I wasn't a damned shadow.

But you never let go of that darkness you still had, not completely.

Yeah, well maybe I needed it.

To do what?

To protect him. I needed an edge to fight the demons I had to face. I still do. We're getting off topic.

Does your absolute secrecy play into that too?

Into what?

Into needing to protect him?

...It used to.

Not anymore?

I don't know.

So what's holding you back?

From what?

From telling us about yourself.

Because it's not that bloody simple. You said it yourself, everything ends up tying back into the anomaly over here.

So that is true.

Of course it's true. That's obvious.

So you expect us to deduce everything about you from what little we can see? It's not working, Laurie. You've been up here 5 years and we know almost nothing about you, not truthfully. I think it's time to change that, considering that the year itself just did.

...What the blood do you want to know.

What everything else seems to be springing from. What is it with you and Jewel.

I'm his superego, his psycho guardian angel. I protect him.

Besides that.

What 'besides that?'

Jewel brought up October 12th. You refuse to talk about it. What happened? And don't say 'stuff,' honestly Laurie.

...

Laurie, I want an answer. What is he to you.

Everything.

Really?

Yeah, really. What, you couldn't tell?

Laurie-- really, you are absolutely infuriating.

Sorry.

I can't read you. None of us can read you. Maybe those two can, but that's because you've obviously decided to open up to them and them alone. Is that only because you're 'protecting them?' Aren't you protecting us too?

...Yeah.

So, talk to us.

I am talking to you.

Not just in general. Laurie, come on, let's get to the bottom of this. All I want to know is why you keep making exceptions for Jewel and refuse to even have civil conversation on a regular basis with any of us.

Exceptions?

Yeah, obviously. Your attitude is totally different around him. All I want to know is why. Truthfully.

...You're acting like I can just give you a simple answer.

Can't you?

No.

...What can you give us?

Not much. Not much at all.

Laurie, for the love of light--

What?? What the heck do you want from me already? You want to know what that kid means to me, fine. He's everything to me. I already said that, you aren't happy with it.

I don't... I don't know what that means to you. Or why. I'm just trying to figure out who you are.

...I didn't think I could trust any of you for years. Because of that damned tar thing. I didn't want to be used, I didn't want anything about me being used against him. And it worked, it really worked, the tar still won't touch me. But I'm fragile too, Lynne. I don't ever tell anyone. But Jewel is talking about October 12th and you're all missing the point that hey, maybe Laurie isn't the stone-cold thug we all assumed she is.

That's what I'm trying to say. We don't know that side of you. Only he does.

Maybe I don't trust you with it.

Why not?

...I told you. I'm a lot more fragile than I let on.

...How?

October bloody 12th. That's it, I'm done. Jewel, let's wrap this up.

...What were we building up to?

I don't even know. You were falling apart and then the same bloody thing happened to me.

Laurie?

Yeah?

Don't close off to them, please. They care about you too.

Not as much as you do.

...

That's what this is about, really. I don't know, maybe it's my own bloody fault for being so exclusive. But I don't... I still don't trust anyone but you two, well, three with Xenophon now... but I don't trust anyone but you guys with who I really am. Even a little bit. Man that feels weird to say.

What does?

'Who I really am.' Writing's on the wall, I guess. I really am a secretive coward.

...What would allow you to trust us, Laurie?

Hurts, doesn't it?

What?

Me not trusting you as much as you'd like. I know it hurts. I'm sorry for that. But you've got to understand. I act like the knight in shining armor here, but honestly, I need someone to save me too, sometimes.

...Laurie?

That's what this whole fiasco is about, there you go. There's the big secret. The battleaxe superego guardian up here needs someone to back her up too. Laurie needs someone to run to at the end of the day and she's never had the bloody guts to admit it until now. I act like the boss but I've been pretty freakin' lonely with these trust issues I've been dealing with. No one got close. Except you, kid. Against all odds you still actually dared to get close, despite the axes I'd swing at you, despite how I swore at you, despite the blood I spat at you-- I tried to commit suicide right in front of you and you tried to save me, for God's sake, I never told you how much that meant to me, did I?

...

You really did save me, kid. Remember what I told you, almost four years ago now? I wanted to keep you from becoming me. I didn't want you turning into a pitiless scourge, like I was to you. I didn't ever want to see you darken enough to close everyone else out, to become so bloody one-sided that as soon as I stopped swearing and tried to be nice to you, you thought something was wrong. And then I don't know how the heck it happened, maybe you just wore down my edges, but I softened up. I started trusting you, a little at first, then a heck of a lot. I legitimately cared about you and stopped trying to convince myself it was only in the bloody job description. Did I talk about this before?

Not like this.

Good, then we are breaking ground. Speaking of breaking things, where the heck did all my walls go? Did you ever realize just how many I had up? No, not you, everyone else. Jewel never sees the walls, that's how he gets so bloody far, he just keeps walking even if everything is standing in his way. He doesn't give up hope. He didn't give up on me, or Julie, or Chaos, or anyone. But he doesn't realize just how powerful that hope is. He's a spark, an agent, a guide. He's a cause . He's the only reason I started to hope at all . And I didn't realize it, but the moment that happened, I lost a wall. Just one. One of my defenses fell away. You kept doing that, Jewel, and every once in a while I'd throw them all back up. Here's an iron stronghold for you to get through, scared you half to death. But it was too late. You knew what I looked like behind all that barbed wire. I forget when you first saw that. But you did.

I think it was 2008. That was the day you... it was after my therapists made me think they were going to try and kill you. You started to get really scared but you hid it, completely. Then it got too much and you started to crack, a little, around me. And one day you got mad at me and you slapped me across the face, but then I noticed that you were actually crying, and you hugged me. And then you left without a word.

I did.

And that was the first time you ever showed that you cared, at all.

And now look at me. That was the first wall. It's gone forever. But on the 23rd, you showed me that you don't worry about walls either way. You could care less if there was a seven nation army standing in your way. You loved me. You walked straight through that palisade. You would have walked through hell to get to me, to anyone, and the fact that my name is even on that blessed list means the world to me. It does.

When was this?

The 23rd, I told you. Right after they decided they'd spent enough time up there in heaven. They were radiating love like radio towers. I didn't even think I could pick up that channel. And then you looked at me like you did on the twelfth, and I remembered what that felt like, so in fear I put up those walls, I put up every single defense I've ever had... and you walked right through the bloody things. Right through them, as if they didn't even exist. How the heck did you do that?

I don't know.

No, you don't, and that's the most beautiful thing. You just do that sort of thing, completely naturally. The most paranoid man on earth would trust you. Heck, that might even be Leon. Leon, you trust him, right?

Y-yeah.

There you go. But I'm a close second, God knows, and yet I trust you with my life. I do. That's the absolute truth. You could ask me to die for you right now and I would do it. And so help me but I'm starting to want to do that for a heck of a lot of people, and it scares me that I'm feeling this much all of a sudden, and that's exactly what you're going through right now, isn't it?

It is.

An arrow straight through the heart. Both of us, this time.

...Well, who's shooting the arrows?

Lynne's the one with the bow, but I don't know if she's responsible for the deeper symbolic aspects of this phenomenon. That might tie into Gen's native world.

...How?

Xenophon. What's her role?

How does she tie into this?

How'd she get here? What do you and Chaos have, that allowed the 23rd to happen at all?

...

Love is what you have. Entirely. Absolutely. You run on it, Jewel. I've never met anyone like you. And I love you. I actually love you. And if you asked me, right now, to match Genesis on this level business, I'd say yes. I honestly would.

...Are you serious?

I'm dead serious, and don't you start crying on me, I'm close enough to breaking myself.

I- I can't . Laurie, you just...

You essentially freakin' proposed on the 12th, remember? We were joking about that for weeks. But all our injokes are serious on some level, aren't they.

...

And no, Chaos, don't freak out, I'm still too weirded out by the other half of the 23rd.

Well, it's a start.

Yeah, it is. That enough info for you, Lynne? You got me spilling my bleeding heart out here. Congratulations.

...Laurie, I didn't know.

No, you didn't. Nobody knew. That's the point. Jewel kept telling me, open the heck up, you can't be such a stone-hearted imbecile, except in much nicer language. You can't stay closed off forever. It's only going to hurt you. And yeah, it hurts like hell. I'm sick of this self-abuse. You want to talk to me? Go right ahead. I couldn't care less about fear right now. Good riddance, seriously. I'm done. The walls are gone, happy 2012, let's start this life over for heaven's sake. I'm tired of what I've been up to this point.

I'm not.

...You saw who I was behind all this bloody steel is why. I think it's about time I actually started trying to be that person.

Don't hurt yourself, Laurie.

What, is that a legit concern?

Yeah. Don't do what Jewel does. Don't throw yourself into danger without thinking of the cost to yourself.

Buddy, I've been doing that for a few years already, haven't I?

You know what I mean. Just don't be reckless. Think of him.

Please Laurie, be careful, I don't want you suffering like I have. Ever.

...

So that's it.

What's it? I said a heck of a lot back there.

No, I... can we talk about this later?

Yeah, I'd be glad to. But now who's being secretive?

Laurie, really. It's just that we've talked enough in here. Jewel needs sleep. I'd rather continue this after the session is closed.

Works for me. That work for you, Jewel?

Sure.

The 24th going to happen now or what?

Psh, I don't know, if you thought I was fragile before you should look at me now.

I am. You don't look too good.

I think I really am going to shatter. You, and Chaos, are just absolutely lighting me up right now and I can't handle all this voltage. I'm shining fit to break.

Like I said, the 16th of January didn't turn out so bad.

That was different, and you also said that. That was different. This is a whole new year, a new chance. A lot has happened since then. This is a whole different level, Laurie.

Is it?

You saw how I reacted to Chaos last night. I can't take this.

...

Jewel, about that.

What?

...That's not something to be freaking out about. We're all sensitive to certain things.

He's afraid of breaking though.

I am. It hurts. And I just... I love him, but dear God, do you even know what that feels like?

What?

For someone to be that close to you. So deliberately and... honestly, again. Like a rainbow in a raindrop. Like blood and sunlight. Like...

Like weary eyes upon my scars, huh.

The lyrics are different, but I like that better.

Figured you would.

I can't talk about this. It feels almost blasphemous, to be discussing something that... fragile.

Hey, Darian drew it.

That's still close. That's close enough to last night, to July 7th. It's close enough.

...

Jewel?

Yeah?

Sorry I'm not going to be able to finish this conversation.

What do you mean?

I promised you guys a recap. I think it's a little too late for that.

No, Laurie, if you promised them a talk, then talk. I can wait.

You sure?

Of course. Sorry for putting you under so much stress.

It's no problem. I think I needed that. Otherwise who knows how long I would have dodged your questions?

Heh, you have a point.

So are we leaving?

You guys can leave if you want, sure.

Laurie?

Huh?

Thank you.

For what?

For protecting him, and all of us. Thank you for that.

...Well heck, I didn't expect to hear that from you. You're welcome.

Thanks for letting me live, too.

I had already killed you once, skeleton boy. It wouldn't have been fair to do it twice.

Seriously, Laurie. I didn't think I'd make it. Thank you.

Is everyone going to be thanking me now? Is this the new way to ring in the new year? Everyone smother Laurie with thank yous until she thinks she's at the bloody Academy Awards?

Well, we do have reasons to thank you.

Apparently! The heck are you thanking me for?

Not killing me.

I could have.

But you didn't.

I tried, a heck of a lot of times.

But you didn't, still.

That's nothing to thank me for.

Then I'll thank you for giving me a second chance too. For actually... forgiving me. For letting me stick around now. That means a lot to me.

...Guess it does.

Thanks.

Not sure what to say to that, but... you're welcome, I guess. Jo, you going to thank me too or what?

I'll thank you for not being more of a pain in the butt than you already are, sure.

Hey!

Just busting ya. Thanks for letting me on the team. And... trusting me as much as you did last year.

...Yeah. Almost forgot about that.

I didn't. Chill out, okay?

Sure, fine.

...

Last in line, huh. What's the deal?

Thanks for yelling at me earlier?

Really?

Yeah. Guess I needed some sense knocked into me.

Hey, I do that to Jewel all the time, it's no problem. I've gotten good at it. But things can get pretty upsetting up here, so you had every reason to be angry.

Yeah but you didn't have to help me out with it, so thanks.

Geez, everyone is acting like I went out of my way to do all this stuff.

Which is exactly why we're thanking you. You didn't, did you?

Well no, not really.

You may be shadowy and enigmatic, but you've got a good heart, and we all know that even if we don't say so. We're just worried about you.

No reason to be worried, I'll manage.

Then we just care about you, too. How's that?

...Best late Christmas present I've got so far. Thanks.

I'll see you later, Laurie. Don't keep them up late.

Yeah, yeah, I won't.

...

So.

I'm speechless.

No kidding, I'm worn out. Jewel, how much do you want to talk about?

First, let's get my daughter to bed, because it's almost 2 in the morning.

Mmmokay dad. M'just tired.

That's the point, beautiful.

Your dad's right. You need sleep.

But I'm worried 'bout you too. n'Laurie.

We've got that stuff settled out for now, kid. You're half asleep.

Mmaybe.

Yes you are. Get to bed, kid.

Mph. I think you're gonna have to take me there dad.

Want me to walk her out?

Carry her out, please, I unfortunately can't leave this channel.

Sure. Be right back.

Love you dad. You too dad. And Laurie.

We know.

We love you just as much, kid.

There is a heck of a lot of love going around here.

No kidding? Did you mean what you said to Jewel?

What part? But yeah, I was being totally honest. That rarely happens in polite and pleasant company.

The part about saying yes if he had asked you to connect with him.

...Why in heaven's name wouldn't I mean that?

Geez, Laurie, that is serious is why.

How bloody serious? I'm the only one of our four-man band who hasn't done that yet, and God knows I would if that was offered.

Why?

Weren't you listening, waterboy? It ain't in my job description, although I've apparently penciled it in. Why do you do it?

...I... But that's not the same, we--

I'm not talking about details, geez. I'm talking about the heart of it, pun intended. Deep down it's the same bloody reason. And that's the entire point.

...You seriously feel this much?

What, does that shock you? S'alright, it shocked me too. Still does. But look at my life, for heavens sakes. Better yet, look at him. Same blessed thing.

...I just... never thought about it like that.

'Cause it's a different color than yours is why. Doesn't matter. It's still love. And I've still got depths to rival yours.

...

...Which, quite honestly, is terrifying. But I'm realizing that if I don't pour that stuff out, I'll drown. And not in a good way.

Heh, yeah.

Although for me it's more water than space, apparently.

...So you'd actually... asphyxiate. Geez, that's way too applicable for you.

No kidding, man!

All right, I'm back. What'd I miss?

Not much. That was fast.

Not much, he says. Not listening to the stage whispers, he says.

Ssh!

Yeah, I teleported her over. She is really tired, it's kind of cute. So what's up, Laurie?

The heck do you think is up? I'm an emotional mess is what.

Are you gonna be okay?

Should be. Yeah. In time, at least.

...So.

So?

Plans for tomorrow?

Putting up my calendar, for one.

Heh, there's something.

No, really, I mean for us. Are we really going to try to accomplish what we weren't able to on the 24th?

Yeah, I'd like that, if you couldn't tell.

About that. Genesis, Jewel was talking to me about this earlier.

...

He's a little nervous about bringing you into this.

Why?

Energy mismatch? Jewel, how'd you put it?

You're a little too exuberant sometimes, love. Just a little too straightforward. I've been breakable recently. I don't want you rushing into this when I wouldn't be able to handle that emotionally.

...Well you can just tell me that, that's okay.

We can't do it like we did in 2008 or so. Not like to Ferry Corsten. Now the music's different. Now we've got Dare-Gale playing for two hours while I get completely lost in the mind and heart of a demigod.

...

All connections are different though.

I don't know if anyone's even getting close to connecting tomorrow. Point is, I said we're all doing this together. This is October 12th times two. Plus one. And Laurie can tell you, that had a very specific kind of mood.

Yeah, Laurie, what happened on the 12th? You were still kind of vague about it.

I took my bandages off. I let Jewel get close. And I completely collapsed emotionally.

Really?

Really. He's too bloody innocent, it hurts to look into eyes like that when you're hardened like this. I'm still too brutal at heart. He's a softie.

No walls at all.

Not a single one. I felt almost guilty, letting this sparkling thing look at me like he did and I was still secretly terrified. But yeah, mood-wise it was very deep. Does that count as a mood for us?

I think it does. It's not sad, not exactly, just... emotionally charged. Deep, yeah, that fits.

There you go. Piano key moods. Catastrophes and sunshine.

Not blood and sunlight?

You only get that close to Chaos, and that's what makes you shatter. No, I'm talking about rifle recoil and Coldplay. Open seas and daylight.

...

Rainbows and waterfalls, couldn't live without.

Everything is beautiful.

That's yours.

Mine hasn't been used as a title yet.

Maybe we should title this one after his?

That would be ironic, I barely did anything in this conversation.

Well, he and I have been living life together a lot more, so it could work.

Maybe. Laurie, I'm just wondering what you mean by a deep mood for tomorrow though.

Genesis, I don't know if we've had something like that in a while. We're usually stupidly optimistic, and I love that, but... when was the last time we really just calmed down and kind of just were together? Honestly?

...I don't know. There's little bits of that here and there, but... nothing big in a while.

Because that's all that happened on the 12th. Chaos and I fall into that state naturally at this point. For Laurie it was hard, she barely managed. For you, I'm sure you can hit it, but... I don't know, I feel kind of bad asking you to stop being so bright and bubbly for a while.

I can do that.

It wasn't the 'bright and bubbly' part you were worried about, Jewel. It's the fact that he's a little too straightforward for you sometimes.

Am I?

You are.

Just a little. I mean I'm not reticent, at all, but I take things slowly. Carefully. The last time I was with you you literally just jumped in. It was a little overwhelming.

I can not do that, though. It's not a problem.

To not do that?

Sure.

Geez, I was afraid you'd be offended, thank you for not freaking out on me.

Why would I be offended?

I don't know. Maybe I'm projecting my perfectionist fear. I'd start panicking that maybe I was doing something wrong.

You've got to stop listening to that programming, Jewel. There are no "rules" like that up here, remember? If following some arbitrary rule made you afraid to be honest and open, I'd tell you to break the bloody thing.

Good point.

So are we doing this thing tomorrow or what?

Depends on how much sleep I get, guys. It's 2 in the morning.

Yeah, I know, but... I kind of miss just talking like this.

I do too.

...

Chaos?

Just thinking about last night is all.

Yeah, Jewel, you fell apart.

I'm fragile, Laurie. He puts me to music, I can't deal with that sometimes. You know what that feels like.

Yeah, but God, you really fell apart. Is it really that different from a connection?

What did he do?

I let Chaos get close to me, but not in a total way. Not absolute, here let's completely freaking soulmerge kind of close, but... quiet close?

Why can't you take that from other people?

Maybe it's my fire. I can do that to other people, I do that to Chaos a lot, but as soon as the tables are turned and people are looking at me like I look at them and treating me like I'm an expensive violin I really don't know how to handle it, and I shatter inside. I feel everything.

Like an expensive violin?

We put him to music, Laurie. I think it's a fitting metaphor.

More like a harp, I was thinking, with all the heartstrings he's got.

...

True.

What were you doing though?

I don't want to talk about it, it's too freaking intimate.

I repeat, Dare drew you two being that close.

I didn't expect her to. You see how I'm reacting now. For some reason I'm not used to that.

Don't get used to it, mister Estar, that's not the point.

What is, then?

The point is you wouldn't keep bringing this up if you weren't bothered by it. Are you afraid of feeling that much from him?

I'm afraid of feeling that much from something that delicate , period.

Delicate?

Jewel, have you ever talked about that one Wednesday morning online?

...

March 2nd. Go freaking figure, actually.

...No. I tried telling Q and Mel once, but... I don't think they understood.

Is that what's making you feel so bloody guilty talking about it now?

Maybe unconsciously.

Forget that then.

I am. Judgments or even a lack thereof don't matter.

Misinterpretations do.

...Yeah, that's what I'm afraid of with everything I do now.

Don't be. It doesn't change the truth of things. Ever.

I know.

Do you believe it?

Yes.

Good. That's important.

I know.

So what happened on the second?

...I... how do you summarize that?

I don't know if you can.

You freak out when people get that close. Why? Are you afraid of being hurt or what?

No, I... maybe I just don't feel like I should be feeling that. Like it's okay if everyone else in the world can experience that. I actually used to love watching other people do things like that. Laurie, maybe that's what you do. I'm just... so inspired, so moved, by seeing love move like that between two people, so sincerely, so completely innocently.

Yeah, that sounds like what I do.

Then why don't you feel like you're allowed to feel it? That makes no sense.

It can't be gender dysphoria, because you get this reaction up here too.

No, it's not dysphoria on any level, I don't think, but... maybe it's just my misplaced guilt drive again. My family has always been very defensive and secretive, in a bad way. When I was a kid I would hide just to write my stories, just to draw. I remember even throwing out my favorite stories after I wrote them, because the thought of my parents reading them was so distressing. If someone caught me being so honest, I felt guilty, almost dirty. They made close and intimate things seem so wrong , because everyone in my family was so distant and angry and no one was ever close or sensitive to anyone else. And because that was one of the deepest parts of my nature, I always felt like I had to hide myself, to lie about myself, to deny that side of myself. Maybe that's where a lot of my current problems come from. I've never thought about it that way before.

That's why you always look for childlike innocence even in the things that hurt you.

I see it. I don't just look for it, it's there when I do it, but...

But not for anyone else.

No. And I've... I've paid in blood for that.

I know.

And now you don't have to hide that anymore, and Chaos is perfectly willing to have that with you in the most honest way I have ever seen, and you're still terrified.

I know...

Why won't you let go of it?

Of what?

The feeling like it's wrong somehow, to feel so much from someone, like that. It's not. It can't be, by virtue of what it is .

...

Listen, if you calm down, I'll calm down. I'll try not to freak the heck out tomorrow or whenever we do whatever we're doing.

Why do you freak out though?

I'm not used to feeling that much.

Neither am I.

Seriously?

Seriously.

The heck's the difference? No way that's stronger than a connection.

Different level. He hasn't worked on this level since he was a kid, and we've had shadows tearing at it for a few years now.

...

So you don't get guilt or anything when people get close to you.

Heck no, I just get terrified because my paranoia isn't gone all the way yet. I know you won't hurt me, but listen, letting anyone get that close to me is one hell of a risk. At least, that's what my instincts keep telling me, even now. And yours keep saying that letting anyone get that close to you is wrong, because why?

Because...

Remember what Josephina said. Check your facts.

It's not wrong. I thought it was when I was a kid. I didn't understand.

So now you're just scared of how much you feel.

I don't know how to explain that. It's different from the 23rd. It's a different context.

You don't have to explain it, I know how it feels.

Not exactly, Laurie.

You sure? You do remember the 12th, right?

...

I know what that feels like.

Jewel?

Yeah?

I don't have to do that if you don't want me to.

No, I... I need that, somehow? That trust, that complete candor of it. The fact that it's you , like that, with me, and I just...

Hey, I've got an idea. How 'bout we stop talking about this and you two go figure it out firsthand? Think you can deal with that?

I... maybe. I hope so. Chaos, if I start crying or something ridiculous like that, don't mind me.

Crying isn't ridiculous. It happens, and you feel enough for it to happen often. It's not a flaw, at all, ever. Get that out of your head.

...

Just because I'm a bloody statue doesn't mean you have to be one.

Laurie, you're not that expressionless.

I used to be. I had two modes, ticked off and fires of hell. That was it. Then Jewel decided he was going to write in all these new and secret modes and it took me a really long time to figure that stuff out. But the point is Jewel is still denying his emotions. You don't need to be anyone's tough guy. You're stronger than the most musclebound action hero on the planet with that heart of yours. Believe me.

...

Listen, you need sleep. Genesis, you got anything to contribute to this?

Not really. I just want to make sure Jewel is okay before I leave. I'm tired too, but he doesn't look so good.

He's a bit of an emotional shambles. He'll be okay, promise.

Laurie's right, I'll pull myself together soon enough. I just... I feel so weird not being able to reach a good conclusion on this topic. I don't know what I'm even trying to say.

You want to be close to Chaos but you're afraid you're too fragile to handle it. Sounds like the 23rd, different level, different sort of overload.

Yeah.

He kicked you into "blue fairy mode" last night, didn't he?

Really, Laurie.

He did, though, the ironic injoke has come full circle. Now you're a real man, so stop trying so hard.

Laurie, you're making me laugh over here, stop it.

No, you need to lighten up, you haven't smiled in like two bloody hours.

Well now I'm smiling, there you go.

Good. You two going to be okay?

Why, are you leaving?

No, we're all leaving at once, I don't want this going on for another five hours. I mean are you going to be okay after the session is over?

Define okay, Laurie.

Are you going to be a negative emotional mess or are you two somehow going to find a way to work this out for the best?

My money's on the latter.

Mine too. You two always seem to do that whether you're trying or not.

Which is good, because I do try too hard.

You do. Listen, Jewel. Crying, falling apart, being sensitive and all that? It's fine. Seriously. If it happens, it happens. I actually admire that you can do that. So don't beat yourself up over it or go on a guilt trip. It is fine and I don't want you suppressing that sincerity. All right?

All right.

Chaos, I am holding you responsible for getting him to at least one of those.

What? Why?

It's 2012. I want this fixed. Get him through fragility without freaking out, somehow. If he falls apart, make sure it's not into fragments.

I'll make sure, I promise you that.

I'll fall apart into... a kaleidoscope. Maybe.

No dissolving poet mode, not now, it's too late even for that. Channel it into the blue guy.

Into the blue guy?

Yeah, why the heck not?

Sounds good to me. Jewel, I'm taking her up on this offer, let's get moving.

Now you're making offers on my behalf, Laurie. Whatever will you think of next.

God only knows, kid. Hey, Genesis?

Yeah?

You don't have to be a spectator, you know.

I know, I'm just watching.

He's learning from you, be careful.

Hey, you two are legit inviting me now, I'm the one who needs to be careful!

Maybe I should stick around and just be a spectator, then.

Nope, that's it for tonight, we're closing this up. I think we're all worn out in one way or another.

That's for sure.

I do want to spend time with you guys soon. Tomorrow, hopefully. If not then Monday. But I love all of you so much. I just don't want to be a mess when it happens.

You won't be. I've got faith in you, kid. Chaos, take care of him for me.

And me, by the way. You have the night shift now.

I've always had the night shift, Gen.

No, I used to hang out with him until he fell asleep, remember? Back in the old days!

Never like this, though.

No, not like this, I did that in the mornings.

Did you?

Uh, yeah, Ferry Corsten? That was at like 7AM. Chaos, when was yours?

Like 10PM or something. It was late.

Laurie, you need to find something right in the middle there.

No way, man, that's up to Jewel and I'm not rushing a single thing. It was an acceptance in advance, I don't care if it never even bloody happens. That's not my real goal. It's the thought, and what inspired it, that counts.

Yeah, and you know how important thoughts are.

You have a point.

But no, I won't rush anything. I need to get myself stable first and I'm not ready for that either. First step is getting over this fragility freakout. Chaos, you're going to need to walk me through it. Slowly.

Slowly?

Yeah. I... I don't know, I write all this poetry about you when I'm up late, and then I actually see you like this, and all the words go out the window. Fantastic Plastic Machine.

Hm.

It's true.

I know.

...

Guys?

What?

Stop staring at each other like that before you make us two want to get involved.

Yeah, no kidding, you're making me jealous.

Of which one of us?

Haha, both of you, maybe!

We've got the weirdest relationship-shape in history going on here.

It's asexual, for one, that's weird enough.

No kidding.

Wait, does it actually go four ways?

Well, it technically doesn't unless you and I get involved, and frankly that is way too freaking weird for me right now.

Yeah, uh, no offense but that's really weird for me too.

None taken.

Wait, just us?? Not you and Chaos?

Genesis, the night of the 23rd was pretty weird.

What did you do.

I snogged her is what.

It was a dare and it was weird, man! You two were way too bloody high on love and life and I figured hey, why the heck not?

Still happened.

Yeah, whatever, that's still confidential and if you tell anyone outside of our freakish camaraderie I will gut you like a fish.

I'd like to avoid that, so my lips are sealed.

You're going to have to kiss her eventually, Genesis.

Oh shut up, CZ.

That's how it goes, bud! Once you're in the group, you're in with everybody else. No exceptions. It just happens.

I just really love everyone, like a heck of a lot, and I guess it rubs off on people?

No kidding, he's done that downstairs already, too.

I know. I love it.

We do need talks like this more often.

I'm all for it.

Not this late though, seriously.

Haha, no kidding! You two get out of here, I'll close this up.

I'm not staying in here alone with you after what Chaos just said!

Geez, Gen, chill the heck out, I'm not making moves on anyone.

I'm kidding.

I should've guessed.

No, we're weird enough for that to be a valid concern.

True.

Guys, we're not gone yet.

Get the heck out of here, you do have things to settle.

That we do.

Be careful with him, by the way.

I will be.

See you two in the morning.

Yeah, you too.

Good night, Jewel. You too, Chaos.

See you guys.

Well.

Well what?

Well, do you want to just close this up and avoid the awkwardness or what?

Uh, maybe? Or we can just be ironic and stand around and not do anything.

We could. But it's like 3 in the morning, this is really freakin' late.

Did you really kiss Chaos?

Technically he got me, because Jewel got me like three freaking times and then dared me to get Chaos and I thought why the heck not. I couldn't exactly argue with him at that point.

Yeah, Jewel can be very convincing.

Haha, no kidding. So how the heck is tomorrow going to go down?

Is it tomorrow?

I hope so. Tonight was insane enough to need a near-immediate followup.

Probably. You had a rough time in here.

Eh, I guess it had to happen. I'm really hoping Jewel and Chaos are okay though.

What, with the fragility?

Yeah. Jewel does break easily. It worries me sometimes.

It worries me too. But I don't get why he's breaking around Chaos.

Because of how fragile it is. You heard him earlier, it's pressure points. And Chaos knows him like a book already. Jewel has him memorized, but I've got the feeling it goes both ways even if the blue guy doesn't talk about it.

That's pretty amazing.

What?

The memorizing thing. How they're actually able to do that.

Well you've seen them, haven't you? They're all over each other in one way or another. Chaos just absolutely melts into him and vice versa.

...

What, you jealous?

No, no, just... well, maybe a little bit.

Really?

Really. I just wish I could spend more time with Jewel like that too. I got to a lot when he was in high school, but it was always just barely at that level, and then 2008 happened and I guess everyone suffered from that.

Jewel does feel kind of intimidated by you sometimes.

Why?

I guess you don't go into fragility mode like he does. Even if it's not as severe as what they're doing tonight, both he and Chaos do get awfully fragile when they get close.

Hm.

And that seems to be a sort of natural state for Jewel. Totally open, no boundaries. Apparently Chaos does keep some up still but I think Jewel just burns right through all of 'em anyway.

You said he broke straight through yours?

Not broke, walked. He acted like they weren't even there and it somehow worked.

Wow.

Wow is right, you don't know what that felt like. You hear him talking about fragility? I have never felt that completely bloody defenseless in my life. And in a good way!

How so?

Like I didn't need to have any walls up. It was scary to not have the bloody things, but it was such a huge relief to know I could trust him like that, I guess. I dunno. It's new to me.

Huh. So you're saying maybe I need to be more fragile with him.

Just be less aggressive, I guess.

I'm aggressive?

Nah, I'm aggressive, but I break easy, believe it or not. You actually seem to have a good head on your shoulders there.

What do you mean by aggressive though? What am I doing?

You're going to have to ask Jewel for specifics. He's the one that brought this up to me. I see that you're just unflinchingly determined. You want something, you go after it. You want to be with Jewel, you're focused on that. Jewel doesn't focus on that at all. It's weird. It's like he's doing something completely different, and I think the personal factor of that is what freaked me out on the 12th the most.

Personal factor?

The flipside of this fragility thing. Jewel gets obsessed with people. You know how I said he looked at me?

Yeah.

That wasn't just a compassionate look or anything like that. That was like... geez, how do I explain it? It's like... like he was seeing me for the first time or something.

Maybe he was.

...Yeah, but... every single time? He still looks at Chaos like that!

I think that's just how he works.

Yeah, well, it's bloody awesome, and I hope he never quits.

I thought you said it freaked you out!

It did! No one has ever looked at me like that! But, really, it felt kind of amazing to have someone care that much all of a sudden. Or all along, and to just realize it then. I dunno. I'm tired.

Join the club.

Guess we'd better close up then.

Guess so. Otherwise this'll go on forever.

Nah, you need to sleep, that would eventually cut it short.

You don't sleep?

Not typically.

Geez.

Maybe I'll talk to the Sandman, see if he can convince me to take a legitimate snooze every once in a while. As of now though I've got too much bloody work to do, sometimes literally.

Like what do you do at night?

Used to be security. Now it's almost like a break, if there's nothing to settle from the day before, and if there's no one I need to contact or go looking for. You've seen what Jewel's done with our headspace, right?

Yeah, it's gorgeous.

He keeps adding to it! We've got this huge deck out back now and he added a coffeeshop for nostalgia's sake. So I go wandering around this city of ours sometimes, maybe I'll even add stuff.

You can add stuff?

Limitedly. I've got headspace-warping abilities, God knows how, but they're limited to our space up here as far as I can tell. Jewel and Chaos can do whatever the heck they want wherever they want, thanks to July 7th. I don't know if Xenophon inherited any of that. I honestly hope she did, that would be awesome.

Xenophon is so cool.

Isn't she? She's a total sweetheart. I love talking to her.

Really?

Yeah, no kidding! Who do you think takes care of her now? Lynne did all the babysitting while she was still developing, but now it's me, that's my job. So when she's not chilling with you or her fathers then I get to hang out with her, and it is boss.

You'll have to invite me over next time that happens, it would be cool.

It would be. Hey, maybe we can drag Leon or Julie over or something, those two need to be more involved with our group.

Does Jewel like Leon?

He likes everybody, that's obvious at this point.

No, I'm just wondering.

He does like Leon, as a friend. I'm the only headvoice he's got a crush on. I think.

Haha.

Well hey, it's the truth.

I know, that's what makes it funny!

But really, we should've closed this conversation up way back there.

Uh-oh, don't tell Jewel about this, we're the ones always telling him to close up fast.

Well you know what I say about rules. Break the bloody things when you need to.

Within reason?

Yeah, but up here you can do that no worries. So we can talk however long we want, it's not bothering me.

Oh, so you made this rule, and now you're breaking it.

Basically. Turns out that breaking it is the better option here. Put it back together better, y'know.

Is Jewel still listening to that song?

He's got it on loop. Kid gets addicted to music pretty darn fast.

Wasn't he channeling it through Chaos earlier? How does he do that?

He doesn't, he just kind of pushes it in Chaos' direction and he picks up on it. They run it through each other. Those two are joined at the hip, remember.

I think they're joined at more than the hip, Laurie.

Yeah, no kidding. That link is a lot higher up, and that's where this fragility thing comes in.

You're really worried about that, aren't you?

Yeah, because I felt that on the 12th, and if Jewel gets it that bad I don't want him hurting himself.

Hm. Yeah, he does that a lot more than I'd like.

Join the club!

We can both join each other's clubs, awesome.

What was yours?

Being tired.

I think that's a good place to close up for real, though.

Yeah, no kidding. Next thing you know I'll be tired and hungry, too.

Psh, we've always got an injoke, I'm telling you.

Hurry, let's end on another one.

Well, I've heard that you're the one that started the recent sunglasses fad, so...

...Deal with it, Laurie.

That's it, Kanye shrug, I've had enough.

Works for me.

Oh, and happy new year, because why not.

That too!

2012. Man. Gonna be awesome.

Not if we don't get some sleep to start it!

Hey, you get sleep, I'll be up partying all night.

No fair!

Just kidding. I'll probably walk in on Jewel and Chaos and see what happens from there.

You've gotta teach me how to do that.

We'll work on it. As of now, this session is over.

That works for me!

Thank God, you're at least easy to work with.

Haha.

No seriously, good night.

You too, Laurie. See you tomorrow.

Inevitably.

SESSION PARTICIPANTS

LAURIE UBERICH

JEWEL LIGHTRAYE

CHAOS ZERO

XENOPHON LEPHISE

GENESIS APOLYMIS

LYNNE STABELLE

JOSEPHINA BELLAMEIRE

SPINE HYPOMONE

LEON KIASI

NATHANIEL VICTOIRE

JULIE ENANTIOS

Well guys, let's get this started.

About time. How many people are we getting in here?

As many as possible. I'm... I think I can handle it.

Forget about the bloody gender dysphoria, J. It's not you, remember? Don't let it mess around with you.

All right.

Seriously, you want everyone in here?

Yeah.

Huh. All right, sure. Let me go get them. You sure you can do this?

Just... give me a minute to re-center, actually.

Sure. Hey, this Daley you listening to?

You bet. Watch me repeat this song for the next two hours or so.

Heh, I wouldn't be surprised. Nice stuff.

It is. Honestly though, Laurie, hold up. I can't seem to get a stable connection running.

Why's that? The dysphoria interference?

Probably. It completely throws me off, every time.

Don't let it. I think that's why this instability keeps happening. You need to be stronger than it is, and you are, so stop trying to tell yourself otherwise.

All right, now you're coming through clear.

What about you though? Can you even hear yourself? Or are you still detached?

Getting better. Okay, I think I can do this now. Who's in here first?

Take a guess.

Hey!

Hey yourself. You doing okay?

Eh, kinda sorta. I'll manage. Where's Xennie?

I'm not letting her in here before I'm sure you aren't going to be hurting yourself with this.

I won't. Promise. This needs to happen, as a recap, as a starting point.

Doesn't mean you have to drive yourself to the edge for it.

He has a point.

Is that really such a big concern? Because that's surprising to me.

It's surprising to you because you never realize what danger you're putting yourself in until after it happens.

You're saying this is dangerous?

I'm saying it can easily become dangerous if you keep falling off-center while trying to channel like twelve bloody people at once.

Hm.

She's right, Jewel.

I know. But I need to be stronger too.

You're trying too hard, pun intended. Being strong doesn't mean being stiffnecked and refusing to acknowledge when you're in pain.

...Yeah, that is a bad habit of mine, isn't it.

It is.

So if you want to do this, let's do it, but don't you dare hold back if there's a problem. You tell me about it, I'll help you through it. Chaos too, am I right?

Absolutely.

Good. Now I think it's time to get the impossible kid in here, because she does help with these situations. Xennie?

Hi Laurie!

Sup kid?

N'much. Hey dad!

Hi sweetheart.

You okay?

Not really.

Yeah.

Why?

Tough stuff to deal with is all. I'll be okay, I promise. I just need to stop letting it get at me. It's kind of silly when I think about it. I don't want this to bother me, but I'm dwelling on it.

You're dwelling on it because it needs to be solved and you've been waiting long enough.

True, but I can't just snap my fingers and fix this. Wish I could, but I can't.

Hm.

But dad, you told me that's not you though.

That's my point.

Hey, can we just get the rest of this madhouse in here? This intro is taking just as long as our outros.

Yeah, let's get this party started. Genesis, get in here.

Hey!! We're talking?

Sure are, bud. Take a seat, this is going to be a wild one.

Good. I'm excited. Who else is going to be in here?

Everyone, I gather.

Everyone??

Pretty much. Depends on whether they decide to show up or not.

Maybe I should call them.

Maybe you should.

We're talking already?

There you are.

Yeah we're talking already, J-boy here is taking way too long to get this together.

Why? Is he okay?

Why does everyone ask that about me?

Because it's a legitimate concern, kid. And yeah, he's going to be okay. We're working on it.

We're talking, we're talking! Yesss!

Hi.

Hey Spine. Hey Jo.

Everyone else is being shy. Should I drag them in here?

Haha, no, I'll get them. Hold up.

Uh...

What, is she going to use force?

Hopefully not.

I told you, get your ass in here, we're talking.

...Sorry.

Leon! 'Sup bro?

Not much, hi.

Hi Jewel.

Aand that's what we need to talk about.

What?

You. Get in here, this is important.

...

Julie, you are allowed in here, you know.

I know. It's just... new.

Hey, chill out, there's nothing to worry about that.

Is there?

...Well, you know what I mean. Just relax. No use getting all worked up before the conversation even starts.

I'm not getting worked up, he is.

I'm just... nervous.

You're always nervous. Why the heck are you nervous? I thought your function had dropped that.

I-I'm not sure.

He's only spoken in two of these before, I think. And now we have some serious troubles to deal with. So that's understandable.

Hi Leon!

Hi. You're Xenophon, right?

Mm-hmm.

Haven't you spoken to her before?

Not really. I haven't... been around much. And when I am we're just in a group so I can't really talk to anyone and it doesn't get anywhere. With talking. At least.

Dude, you need to take a chill pill. Maybe two. All right, are we all in here?

Are we inviting any new people?

Heck no, that's too much stress on our boy here, we don't need extra focus burnout. A hell of a lot has happened since September. Same with Menchou, she's not in here either because she's a newbie to the crew in the extreme sense.

She's been up here before, though.

She still has no bloody idea what all the details are. She knows next to nothing about anything right now. So. Enough of the prancing around. Let's start this conversation. Jewel? Topics.

Topics, sure. Hey, by the way. If anyone wants to speak up, speak up. No one is being censored here.

We know.

All right, good. Just making sure, because I know those three have been keeping to themselves lately.

I haven't been around! I've been too busy with mirrors!

You haven't been in them lately.

Because he's been getting bad fallout and I don't want to be involved in that.

Well that's your bloody job, isn't it?

Laurie, please.

No, I'm serious. He's supposed to help you with the dysphoria hell. Where were you this morning?

Not in them. I told you, I can't deal with that all the time.

Really, don't force him, it's tough enough for me.

Jewel do you need my help?

Maybe. I don't know. I've been relying on Menchou for emergency protection but... but I do need to deal with this on my own, right now. That's why it's tough. So Laurie, it's not Natalie's fault.

And I think that's a perfect segue into our actual discussion. Natalie, or Nathaniel, what are you going by now?

Nat is fine.

No, I mean as a full name. Which one are you using?

Both?

All right, cool. But yeah, kid's back. Been back for a while now.

That... ironically I'm still dealing with that.

With what brought him back?

Yeah.

Jewel, I think you need more serious help with this.

From who though? You guys are doing all you can--

Not us. I mean therapists, doctors, those sorts of people. We're all helpless when it comes to that. I think that's the sort of help you need now.

He's been trying to get that sort of help for years now, if you haven't noticed.

I've noticed. But he hasn't been getting help. I think we need to focus more, and stop beating around the bush. If that's what he needs, we need to get that, directly.

How?

Figure it out. But that's long-term. Jewel, when did Natalie first come back?

November 18th, according to my list.

You've got a list?

Yeah, a big one.

A lot has happened since September.

No kidding!

So, the 18th. Run that recap by our readers.

Uh... that was actually after the tar and glass incident, did we mention that?

No, actually we didn't. Link it up, boy.

That's late, though. We're skipping over my lapses in September, and the burnout in October, and... and the 12th, so--

All right, all right, I get the picture. Skip to the beginning. Where'd we leave off?

I came back. To my senses, that is.

'Came back' works, in a weird way.

How so?

I dunno. Feels weird to assume she was a bitch forever, though, with what you told me about her 'creation.'

It does. Sorry. Julie, what do you remember from way back then?

Not much. I was really confused for a while, couldn't really think straight. But then all the shadow stuff happened, and... it's a blur. I don't really want to remember it anyway.

That's okay. I was just wondering.

Mm.

So she's back, Xenophon's role was figured out, and then things started happening pretty fast, didn't they?

I went to the expo is what I did.

What, after that entry? Geez, I guess you did. That was huge.

We didn't even talk about that yet??

Nope. Guess not.

Wow. We are really behind, haha!

We are. But that expo will take far too long to summarize here. Jewel, link it.

Sure. Here's the entry I wrote up concerning what I learned there.

All right. And after that?

After that... actually, during the expo I wrote up a list of things I needed to work on personality-wise, but that's a whole project in itself so maybe we should discuss those by ourselves later, Laurie.

Hey, I want to be involved in this too! Remember my new job!

You're still the reaper, Jo.

Duh, but I'm the one checking truths now too. Remember what your therapist said?

Sure do. Always check your facts.

Yeah, and that's my job now. So count me in for when you're discussing this, because I'm sick of being left out.

Good, I'm sick of it too.

Haha!

That should help me battle my dysphoria, too. See, I told you it was baseless.

Baseless in why you're letting yourself be ruled by it, that is. The cause of it is pretty solid.

Unfortunately.

Dad, it's okay, remember?

I remember, yeah. All right. Hey, speaking of, you and your other dad are the next point after the expo.

Really?

That wasn't a very positive turn of events, though.

Maybe not, but it sure helped.

Yeah. Oh, really quick, before I forget. We're going to have to put this session on pause in an hour, just so you know. Gotta run to church.

Oh yeah. Last mass of the year, right?

It is.

Type faster.

Haha, okay!

Can I come, dad?

You always do, and while we're at it, everyone else is invited because why not.

Before we get there, that's still our current topic. Those two angels over there.

...

Who, us?

You got that right.

...What threw me off back then?

"When it comes to matters of the heart, he is fearless."

Oh. Yeah, that was... I got pretty bad for a while there.

What happened?

I... the expo triggered my doubt problem, the ego issues and all that. I kept shooting myself down and holding myself back, even if at heart I didn't want to.

Like what?

Hold on, he's checking.

Yeah, it's a little hard to remember details... oh. Here we go. "One: I'm still trying too hard, and moving too fast. Two: I'm not trusting my own judgments and actions when I should be. I keep second-guessing myself, even now. Three: There's a lot of shadow still clinging to me as the ego. And that was the most important lesson because it stood in such stark contrast to Chaos as we spoke."

I remember that.

I figured you would.

Was that... when was this?

Beginning of October, I think.

No, that was actually September 19th.

You serious? That was before the burnout, then. Geez.

I told you we had a lot to talk about.

Guess so. Keep going.

So that was... that was me realizing who I was beneath all the fears, thanks to those two. Chaos and Xenophon. And... it took a while to sink in, but...

I almost lost you for a while.

...

That was when you couldn't see him, right.

I couldn't find him.

Even though I was right there.

That's why it hurt so much, for both of us.

...Dad?

Yeah?

That doesn't happen anymore, does it?

...

It did, once. Just once, a few days ago.

When the heck was this?

The almost-hack that brought Menchou back into active duty.

Oh. Yeah, that almost slipped my mind. Keep going, Jewel, there's a lot more to talk about before we get to that.

Okay. So all the emotional pain the end of September brought, with realizing just how lost I still was in that respect, was a huge motivation for me to start working very hard at conquering those points and becoming a better person.

Ironically.

Well geez, Laurie, I still have a lot of rough spots.

You're still a good person even with them, you know.

You are.

...I know.

But do you believe it?

Yeah, that's a concern too, isn't it?

Current one. We're still back in September right now.

That's ego doubt, right there. When I let go of it, all the fear and worry is gone, completely gone.

Then let that junk go. What's next?

Family troubles hit around the 21st, that was yet another cosmic 2x4 to the face telling me to start being more independent in case everything fell through. And that did stick. Then that night Jacob told me I'd... let me quote him. "...You'll make a great parent. You've pretty much got the basis of it down: love at all cost. Everything else follows from that. Just love hir (Xenophon) with all you have, and it'll turn out right. Related to that, you and Chaos both just impress the heck out of me where all this is concerned. I hope I can always continue loving, and showing love, the way you two do."

That's actually gorgeous.

It is. And that night I went to say goodnight to you, Xenophon, and I just ended up breaking down over how much stress I was under and you told me it would be okay. No matter what. And I truly, honestly believed that. Xennie, you have no idea how much that helped me then, and how much it still helps me now.

Yes I do. That's why I keep saying it. You need to remember that, dad. And you are a good dad because I know you're still worrying about that too!

Heh, he probably is.

Maybe in the back of my mind, yeah. But that's an automatic worry whenever I feel like I'm falling.

You're slipping pretty badly, kid. Hold on.

What, now?

Yeah, right now.

I'm not sure what this is.

Dysphoria fallout, and you bloody well know it. Julie, Nat, get over here.

Why? What are we going to do?

Talk him through this crisis with me. Jewel, pay attention. Nat, you're supposed to help him out with this, with remembering that he's not the stranger's face in the mirror. That's the core of your job.

...

And Julie, you're no threat to him anymore, believe me, so stop being so bloody scared to help him out.

I help him out! He asks me for help and I help him! I just don't barge in.

Maybe he wishes someone would every once in a while, you ever think of that? The kid feels pretty tragically ostracized from all of you because you keep to your own quiet business until there's a catastrophe. Well, maybe if we all got together more often there wouldn't be so many bloody catastrophes.

Laurie...

Ssh, this needs to be said. Give me a minute. Listen, I know we've all been spending a lot more time together lately but that is not enough. Julie, you're supposed to be around more.

I don't want to bother you!

Bother us how?

You're all so close, and... I feel like I'd be intruding. I don't belong near that, at all.

Listen, that's absolute nonsense. You are allowed to be around.

I don't want to be.

What? Why?

I don't deserve that at all. It's not right. Not after what I did.

What, you still haven't forgiven yourself either?

Laurie, it's hard, all right? It is really hard. Jewel knows what I'm talking about. I'm sorry.

...

Yeah, the both of you are total tangled messes right now. Listen, let's... let's just finish this recap, then we can deal with this if it hasn't been settled already. Jewel, pay attention!

Love at all costs. That's what important.

And that applies to yourself, remember.

What is holding me back?

Let go of that shadow. Let it go. It's not you. Nat, talk some sense into him.

I can't do that! That's your job!

What, so you're going to shirk that responsibility if it falls on your shoulders? You're the green one up here, so this is particularly important. Get to it.

Nat, it's okay, don't worry about it.

Well it's not okay, that's already a lie.

I want it to be okay though. We should be having a conversation here, getting things ready for the new year, why--

This problem isn't solved is why. If you're still having hairtrigger breakdowns whenever the slightest twinge of dysphoria hits you, that's a serious concern. I don't want you fragmenting again.

...

Terrifying, isn't it? Now think about how I feel, how we feel. We don't know what to do about this mess and we don't want you doing this to yourself. Am I right?

'Course you're right, but we can't do anything about this.

Not directly, no.

So that's the kid's responsibility to himself. Jewel, think about the 23rd, pull yourself together.

...

Wow, that was one quick center.

I can still get thrown off just as quick, though. That's the danger here. Let's get back to talking.

Sure, sure. Sorry about the holdup.

Who?

The readers, if we even have any. Also, Jo, you're the only one talking over there. Leon, speak up.

W-why?

Because you're really bloody important up here and you need to get involved. Jewel, next topic.

All right, now we're at the October burnout. I took on way too many responsibilities at once, in several areas, and by the 9th I was already feeling the consequences. I was getting hacked again, I started to get physically ill... oh, wait, the 2nd was when Xenophon went through her most recent appearance shift, we should really mention that.

Was that when I got legs?

Yes it was, that was amazing. That's here by the way.

That was a pretty awesome day.

It was. But like I was saying, I was falling apart even before the second week of October, and... and that's when I tried to label you, Laurie.

...Is that when it was.

Yeah.

...What was this?

Shut up, Jo, let someone else talk.

Well excuuuse me.

I'm kidding. This is just... this is actually not a topic I like going back to.

Really?

Really. This was the 10th. I daresay you probably don't want to think about that again either.

...

It needed to happen, though.

It still hurt, horribly.

What happened?

He tried to label me. Put me in a box.

He started losing track of reality at that time, too.

He did. Didn't you actually have to tell him that he was real?

Yeah, basically.

Geez. I forgot just how bad that was, actually.

I tried too hard to put on a mask and fit a description, and I started projecting that onto other people. I was losing track of myself is what I was doing. And... that's when I realized that I was having serious trouble splitting realities, at all. I had been for a while, but that's when it hit hard.

Then there was that one night at the beginning of October.

...That hurt more than I let on.

More than you let on? Chaos, you broke down for ten solid minutes! How the hell much did that hurt?

Keep reading, he talks about that on the 11th.

...I see. Sorry, bro.

It's okay. That was rough for all of us.

Oh. Wait. Two other things happened on the 10th that are still affecting me now.

Good things, I hope?

Thankfully, yeah. The one was when you told me to be more careful with my mind, and my rampant thoughts, because they were more powerful than I dared give myself credit for?

Heck yes, that is seriously important. Don't forget that.

Yeah, you've been reminding me of that constantly since then. It's helping, but I need to do more meditation before it'll get quieter. I guess I need to 'die' on that level first. Meditation is ego death, and that needs to happen a lot more than it does now.

No kidding.

So that's important point one. Tying into that is point two, which Xenophon said to me.

I did?

Yeah. That was the night I couldn't see your eyes.

You weren't really there, dad! You weren't paying attention to anything.

Man, is that retroactive synchronicity or what?

...Yeah, it is.

Ironically I'm still having trouble with the concentration.

Because your messed-up mind won't shut up. At least now you're aware of it and you're putting a lot of effort into staying stable, even if you're not all there yet. And I daresay the 23rd helped more than you're giving it credit for, too. Yes, even with all the credit you've already given it.

What happened on the 23rd?

Awesome things. We'll get there. Now, in a stunning display of even more ironic synchronicity, it's time to talk about October 12th. Or not.

We do need to discuss the 11th first. That was interesting, extremely so, because... well, for one, I had literal synchronicity with Laurie, which has never happened before.

Yeah, I remember that. That was the names, right?

Yeah. And you helping me center again.

Don't-- don't talk about that.

I won't. But... that night was when... Chaos kind of...

I slipped.

You what?

Slipped. I wasn't there when Jewel looked at me, for once. Usually it's the other way around when we... fall that far.

What do you mean?

He was under way too much stress and it got to him, pretty bloody bad.

You opened back up, and he closed off entirely.

Yeah.

That terrified me. It was worse because I knew I'd done the same thing to him in the past. Chaos, I really was scared, I knew I was responsible but I didn't know what to do...

Jewel, how were you responsible?

You hit that point because I hadn't been with you for so long, and because I was a mess when we were. I was a mess, completely.

I'm the one that had the fallout, though. You didn't make me do that.

It still hurt.

Yeah, it did, but it was not intentional on your part, or mine.

Exactly. Stop trying to throw blame on yourself, Jewel.

...I think that's unconscious, actually.

Then get conscious.

Kind of like he did the next morning, right?

Oh no, we are not discussing that here. No.

Laurie, what's this about?

What?

The defensiveness about the 12th. You've been doing this for a while.

Yeah, well I have a bloody good reason to. That's off-limits for discussion. Jewel, move on. What happened on the 13th?

Bad stuff.

...Oh. Oh man, that was when your friends got married, right?

That was on the 12th, actually, but yeah, I didn't start trying to inflict their lives onto mine until the next day.

You have got to stop that nonsense.

I'm working on it. It's almost entirely gone now.

Good. But yeah, now that I remember, the 13th was hell.

What happened on the 13th?

See, now you're interested. You should've been around, then you'd already know.

Laurie, I- I didn't know you needed me around!

What did I say earlier? We all need each other here. Back on topic, Jewel.

All right...

Can I just say that the 12th was awesome?

Chaos, don't you dare.

Well it was.

I want to know what happened on the 12th now.

In your dreams, Jo. Jewel, keep talking, seriously.

I... oh. Oh.

What?

This is the part I don't want to remember. The night of the 12th. I started slipping early.

That's when I showed up, wasn't it.

Yeah. The first time you tried that method.

Well, don't discuss that, then. We've dealt with that.

But the point is why that even happened. I kept thinking I was "doing everything wrong" just because someone else would have acted differently in the same situation. It was my inferiority complex running at dangerously high levels. It's... it's the only reason I still get hacked, even by the tar, at all.

...

Sorry Julie.

...No, I know all about that. I should be the one apologizing.

No more guilt parties, geez. Jewel, are you over that yet?

The feeling like I need to emulate everyone else's lives? Pretty much, why?

Because that one was seriously bloody dangerous. It nearly killed you a few times, and I am not joking at all.

I know.

So you're sure that one's fixed?

Pretty much. But... unfortunately it's making my dysphoria reactions worse.

How?

Now I no longer feel like I need to ignore, suppress, or lie about them because other people don't see them as valid. But that is making the violent desperation come back because it's no longer being locked away.

...Are you serious?

I'm serious. So Lynne was right. This needs to be dealt with. But... let's go back to the 12th. The night, that is. Chaos said something to me then that I need to remember.

What?

"He told me flat-out that I, the REAL me, not the fake one that I sometimes slip into to 'make other people happy,' was not doing anything wrong. I was not doing anything wrong by being honest with myself. The problem was that I was blinding myself to that-- I was falling into regression by putting too much emphasis on outside opinions, and not paying attention to myself, to my own morals and feelings and truths. Put extremely simply, I was not giving myself enough credit, and I still was not accepting that my tried-and-true experiences WERE true and valid and real to me, even if they weren't applicable to anyone else's life."

There you go.

I think I actually believe that now, instead of just knowing it.

Good. I don't want that happening to you again.

I don't either.

So the 13th was fallout from that, am I right?

Basically. I wrote that entry on the 13th, and that's when it all really sunk in. So that was a rough day.

I see.

Jewel are you okay now?

What do you mean?

With everything. From the bad slip you had earlier. Are you better?

I think so? It's tough because of this negative family atmosphere. That makes it very, very easy to slip.

Well there's your challenge. Keep standing strong in spite of that. It'll help, in it's own twisted way.

I guess so.

I know so.

So what's next on the list?

Overthinking will burn a hole in your head.

That's what's next?

No, I just wanted to say that because it's true. Next was a small gap in updates because I was so stressed out I didn't want to be online anymore.

Wait, hold on one second. Genesis, you have not said a word since you walked in.

Hi.

You already said hi.

Then I'll say it again.

Seriously, why the hell aren't you talking?

I'm just listening. I wasn't really involved in a lot of this stuff so I'm not talking.

Wait, how the hell weren't you involved? You're always around Jewel.

Yeah, but he was stressed out and all of this was happening upstairs. With you three! So like Julie I didn't want to butt in. That's all.

Genesis, what did I tell you.

I know, but the point is I'd still be walking in on things and distracting people, and you've told me that before too.

Hey, that's actually one of our current topics.

It is?

Essentially. But we're still stuck in October.

Sorry. So I spent the next several days after the 13th doing spiritual research, from what I remember. Then I wrote the lemniscate poem on the 19th, and on the 24th I had a bit of an 'outside' verification identity-wise, in that I found a group on Tumblr full of aromantics and realized hey, there isn't anything wrong with me there! I feel bad that I needed that in order to be comfortable with myself, but you know what my self-doubt was like at the time.

Yeah, I do.

So that was that, and actually, once I realized the aromantic thing I realized that I no longer had to 'force' myself to try and be traditionally romantic because I feared I was 'doing it wrong.' And because of that, I got back into my Dream World work because I was no longer unconsciously projecting that doubt onto other peoples relationships.

That's you being obtrusive again, and that also needs to stop.

What is this obtrusive thing about?

Dad was taking a quiz and that word kept coming up. It was funny.

We were taking personality tests for the sake of self-honesty and we decided Jewel was too obtrusive.

What does that mean?

It means he imposes himself and his opinions on others, even if it's not really intentional.

That is a problem!

No kidding! Now keep reading the topics.

All right. So the next big day was the 29th, for obvious reasons.

If our readers don't know what that is, I seriously question your loyalty to our updates.

Ouch, the sarcasm.

Seriously, who the heck reads these?

You never know. We could actually have a loyal reader and not even know it.

That would be awesome.

But for those of you who aren't loyal readers, October 29th was the date last year that I attempted suicide.

And then changed your mind.

I had to. I couldn't stop thinking about you, and Chaos. I loved you too much, and you... you already have too many scars because of me. I kept remembering the blood, and...

All right, we get it, kid.

But that's important. That was the ONLY thing keeping me alive. I couldn't die because I had people to live for, and that was it. Speaking of I actually wrote on all your Facebook walls on that day, guys, thanking you for that.

You did?

Yeah, don't you remember?

You guys need to log in once in a while and read that stuff.

I read mine. Thank you, Jewel.

Tell him in a comment, geez, that stuff needs to be written down too.

Doesn't this count?

Don't get clever with me, Lynne, you know what I mean. Be more personal for heaven's sake. Chaos, that goes for you too, ironically.

Ba-dum-tsssh.

What was that?

Rimshot. I figured that deserved one.

Hee hee.

After the 23rd, that deserves a couple of 'em. But really, go thank the kid, because he poured his heart out to all of us there. Me included. Thanks, by the way.

Be more personal, Laurie.

Come on, man, I'm not doing that here. Next topic.

I'm sensing more defensiveness!

Hey, shove off, that's none of your business.

Laurie, you do need to open up more.

Not now.

You said that last time, dear.

Maybe I did. Still not the right time, or place. Jewel, get me out of this conversation already.

Haha, sure thing. Oh, did I mention that it snowed on the 29th? I think that's the only major snowfall we've had so far this winter, too.

Yeah, that was gorgeous. We all stood around in that, didn't we?

It was freezing, but it was more than worth it.

No kidding.

That was my first time seeing snow!

That too. What are the odds, right?

Pretty high, with us.

It was so pretty too. It was... I wanted to watch it snow forever.

I think we all did. Chaos, were you sitting on the car or am I imagining things?

Nope, I was on the car.

I was over by the other one!

That you were. Oh, guys?

Yeah?

No, all you guys.

What is it?

I need to take that hour-long church break right about now, actually. You readers won't be affected by it, but there's going to be a bit of a gap for us.

Fine by me. What topic do we pick up on, then?

October 31st. That's when things started moving very quickly in a better direction, as a whole.

That's when Xenophon started to sing.

Really?

Yeah, really, that was beautiful.

Sonic Generations hype, too.

Man, you're right, that is when things started looking up. All right, Jewel, when you get back, start that topic immediately.

Aaand I'm back. Time shenanigans ahoy.

Always. So start talking, kid.

Will do. On October 31st, I started recovering from the stress of that month, so Laurie, Chaos, Xenophon and I were reviewing my entries from the past few years and listening to music because really, we have come a long way.

You two kept singing, though.

We did! I just get moved by music really easily.

And then Xenophon asked us just how important music was to us.

So I told her that it communicated things simple words never could, and that I just feel a connection to sound as a medium, and she seemed really inspired...

And then you played that Klonoa song for me!

We did. I named you after that song, just a little.

Lephise, right dad?

Yeah. The 'songstress of rebirth.' And... well, you started singing along. It was beautiful.

It was.

Well you did say it was my song, dad. I had to sing it for you.

I told you what that meant, though, didn't I?

Yeah. That it was about bringing the world back from nightmares and dead things.

Which is kind of what has happened to me over the past year. And it made me realize just how important you are, to me and maybe to more people than I realize.

What do you mean?

You just... you personify infinite hope, almost. Second chances and new beginnings. The connecting part between cycles, between death and life. You were an impossibility, you showed up in the face of absolute terror and fear, and yet here you are, shining as brightly as the stars. You're beautiful, kid. And you just feel like something incredibly important, in a big sense.

Well geez, so do you and Chaos. I told you, this is bigger than any of us realize, and I know it.

You sure?

Sure I'm sure. Just watch. This will all play out for something greater than we can comprehend. The way our lives have been going so far, I have no doubt. Now you mentioned Sonic Generations?

Oh yeah, that's the other half of this, and...

Was that the conversation we had about him?

You two talked about me?

Yeah, remember? When he got to his music class early, we just kinda sat in the dark and talked about you because you're awesome. And because of Sonic Generations, of course. Jewel, you were really freaking out over that!

I didn't want to fight him is why, Genesis. I love him with my entire heart and I was still going to have to fight him, if only in a game environment. Remember when I got Sonic Battle, Chaos? Sure, we turned that into our equivalent of your brawling matches with Markus, but at first I nearly refused to face you for the same reason. Back then! So yeah, seven years later that got pretty bad.

Those are brawling matches, aren't they?

Heck yeah, you always beat the living daylights out of my Emerl, man.

If it's Strawberry, he deserves it for not letting me sleep back in 2004!

Haha, no kidding!

And I have no idea what the heck this was.

Me neither, that was before both of us showed up.

Man, that feels like forever ago.

Back on topic?

Yeah. You know what this was about, don't you.

I do.

Wait, actually, something happened on the 3rd besides that.

We'll get to that. Chaos first.

You sure? Because it ties into the morning.

Does it? Well go ahead, then.

...On November 3rd, all the pain from October 13th hit me again. You know, the feeling that I had to live exactly like other people in order to succeed in life, or even 'do it right,' at all.

Especially Melody.

Yeah. Long story short, it was religiously motivated, but I got this complex that unless I almost literally copied her life, I would be marked as condemnable somehow. I've abandoned that train of thought now, thankfully, but for a long time it was the biggest reason why I kept falling into hacks. Hey, you guys listening?

Yeah.

We're listening, you're just... obviously having a hard time talking about this. So we don't want to interrupt.

Okay. Thanks, actually.

No problem, Jewel. Just remember we're here for you too.

I know. So... with all that stress on me, making me so fragile, and with the SG situation too, my heart was a mess. This was the first time Chaos had appeared in a game in a long time, and it was happening almost exactly a year after I literally almost died. I... oh man, I seriously wrote that?

What?

In Scribbld, when I was talking about having to face you... "I'm not scared, but I'm anxious. I know it's going to hurt."

Oh ho ho, wow . Synchronicity all up in here.

That's... incredible, really.

Yeah, talk about a parallel. Geez.

With what?

The 23rd.

Oh, I understand. Well, these things do seem to happen for you two quite often.

They sure as hell do. But Jewel, talk about what you actually said to Genesis. That's important, with what you just said about Xenophon.

It is. Well... first off, it reminded me of our 4th incident, again. Go figure.

We just mentioned that too, didn't we.

We did. But somehow I ended bringing up our 'cosmically inseparable' point, and... with all the non-coincidences that surrounded your Generations appearance, it made me realize just how incredible our relationship is, and how so many things in my life seemed to foreshadow you somehow. Little things, big things. And when I met you I was drawn to you completely and without explanation. It... it felt like I had known you forever. I told Genesis that, that it felt like you and I transcended linear time somehow. It felt like I had loved you forever, and when I met you, I just had to remember what that felt like.

...

I love that.

Can I... can I just link that entry, actually?

Sure.

Okay, here . Because that talks about all the stress of my own perfectionist issues too, and... oh, Laurie, that morning we had that fight, remember?

...Yeah.

Who was there for that?

Just our inner group. Please, just... don't talk about that one either. Not here.

Why? Laurie, you really do need to talk about this...

Listen, Lynne, I was not doing well that morning. I don't want to bring it up. End of story.

All right, if you insist.

Laurie, should we move on?

Sure, go ahead.

All right. After the 3rd I had a creativity problem, where I felt like I couldn't communicate what I wanted to, at all. I kind of solved that on the 6th, when I realized I was once again just trying too hard, and I also realized the 'butterfly' thing? That I tend to be a little bit too free, with not staying in one place for too long.

Explain?

It's my old 'running' principle.

Oh, yeah. I remember that. You move on too bloody fast.

It was bothering me, because I meet people, leave them for a long time without warning, and then one day come back, and act like I never left at all, or like there wasn't even a time gap between me leaving and coming back. I think I solve a problem but I'm not solving it all the way through, and it keeps coming back to haunt me. Things like that. I think I really need to ground more, maybe?

That could help. But really, that also ties into your not wanting to be attached to anything. So you just don't stick around long enough for that to happen.

Maybe. I don't know, I think I have that figured out? In any case I don't want to get off track discussing that right now, as it's not a big problem, or at least I hope it's not.

It could become one. We'll discuss it later. Next?

Next is the fact that I fought Perfect Chaos that same day, and somehow that actually brought my creativity back?

Catharsis block, maybe?

Maybe.

Yeah, he was worried way too much about fighting me there.

I was. But then on the 6th, maybe thanks to that too, I had a huge realization.

Which one was that?

The 'orange' one, and what that really meant.

Spectrum-wise?

Partly. You know, orange and pink and how they kept getting misinterpreted, that whole thing.

Yeah, that one was huge. Did we ever discuss that here?

Nope.

Should we?

I don't know, I'm a little tired of always bringing up that topic here.

Then we won't, no problem.

But was it important?

Yeah, it was important, but it was a fact, not something we have to debate.

Oh, all right. And Jewel, you didn't forget it?

Nope. It's still helping me fight off hacks and keep my head on straight concerning that whole jumble of related topics. So that was groundbreaking, really. It erased a great deal of my fear and it motivated me enough to get back into writing music almost immediately afterwards.

For the League, right?

You bet. Starting off slow, but starting nevertheless.

Where are we now, on the timeline?

Uh... actually, wait, maybe we should have a separate session about the orange thing?

Why's that?

In the entry from the 7th-- which is where we are by the way-- I said, "today's revelation has given me some seriously significant insights into Laurie, Chaos, Xenophon, and Julie's roles up here." Then I said it was really complicated, and Julie was far more important than we could ever have realized before.

Really?

Yeah, really.

Makes sense. We can discuss that in 2012, then. Keep going, time's running out for this year.

It is! Okay, next up is the big triple 11. I clearly remember that nothing huge happened on that day, except for me being once again reminded, strongly, that life is not in black and white.

The 11th was a big door-opening day, though. You know what happened later that week.

I do. And that's what we've been leading up to for the past few hours!

Is that the next entry?

Yep, the tar and glass. That was actually the next day, Laurie.

Well geez, that whole week was incredible then. Should we just link this one?

Yeah, but I want to summarize it too. So here's the full entry on that evening, but as for what happened... well, we figured out what the real 'shadow' is up here. It's not Julie, and it never was.

It's that damned tar thing.

It used all of us.

It did.

What does that thing look like, by the way?

Pitch-black, huge, eldritch tar thing, basically. It's horrific. Scared the hell out of me, actually, which should tell you enough about it.

Seriously?

Seriously. Damn thing wouldn't die, either. Apparently you can't kill it, or that defeats the purpose of it even living in the first place. Paradoxes as usual. Leon, you saw that bloody thing, didn't you?

...Yeah, just barely.

Scary stuff, am I right?

...Mm-hm.

Leon, you were there?

Jewel called me over to warp them out. I don't know where they were or what they were doing, but... it didn't look good.

It wasn't good. Damn thing attacked me and tried to get Chaos before Jewel decided 'heck with it, let's get out of here.'

Because I had been talking to it beforehand. It just... showed up, out of nowhere. I told it to be quiet, and then I was in that huge empty room, and... I don't know, it's weird. It's definitely working for the side I would once have considered 'black,' but now that I can see that there's a greater purpose to everything, that is crystal clear even in it, the tar thing. It knew it was acting as a dark balance to our light, and it meant to live up to that. So yeah, it's going to be vicious, but strangely it is nowhere near as vicious as it used to be? Julie, you know what I mean.

...Why is that? Why isn't it so dark now?

I have no idea

I think maybe it just changed its methods? The old traumatic stuff is over with now, thank God. Now I guess it's working differently. Who knows? I think it's actually being more secretive now, more insinuating. Which is just as dangerous, actually, if not more so. It's not direct and merciless, it's indirect and strangely still merciless.

At least it's not screwing around with you like it used to.

Me or Julie or Genesis, yeah. I guess I just got wiser. I just can't forget the one day Julie went berserk with it and attacked all of us. Leon, that was the first time you ever teleported us, wasn't it?

...Yeah. That was terrifying.

No kidding.

See, this is the stuff I don't want to remember.

No one's telling you to remember it. You, as you are, you're not at fault for that. You were being used just like Jewel was. Get over it, Julie, you're fine now.

...I'm working on it.

So, Jewel. Then you got swords.

I did! Chaos and I somehow ended up with light swords after Leon got us out of there. I deduced that if it really was the 'ego' presence up here, then fighting it would only strengthen it. We had to let go of it and live in love and just let it do what it wanted, without attacking or defending. We just had to let it be, really.

And meditate. If anything's going to 'kill' it, that will.

Maybe, yeah.

It will. But go on.

So Leon warped us out and for some reason Chaos had two swords with him when we did, and he gave one to me, and it was exactly what I had been told at the expo, haha.

No context for that, huh?

No, that would take far too long, and it's explained in the actual entry. But yes, then I stuck it in my chest because I can do that in headspace, which is also something I failed to mention here. But hearts, man. There's a lot of stuff to do with those up here.

Kid, with your entire bloody existence I think that's a little obvious.

Maybe! So that was the tar and glass incident...

Wait, why glass?

I think because of the swords. They were made of crystal, and turned to light when I picked mine up. But we were also in a cathedral, which always makes me think of glass for symbolic reasons, and... it was probably just symbolic. Like me and then the ego, except in reverse order. Sorry. You get what I mean.

I do, thanks.

Then Natalie came back, didn't he.

He did. Speaking of, Nat, you have been dead quiet too.

Just listening. Genesis may not have been involved but I was still dead when all that happened.

Kid has a point.

He does.

How did Natalie come back, by the way?

Total mirror disassociation. Bad dysphoria paved the way for freaky stuff up here, yet again.

Wait, how does that work?

Dysphoria causes very negative situations, which usually causes bad fallout on your part, which forces you to try and fix things, which usually works out pretty well, and sooner or later freaky stuff results from it all. Case in point, Natalie resurrecting.

Huh. I suppose so.

My color changed, by the way. And Vincent stayed dead, in a sense.

Yeah, Nat's now green because Leon stole his color.

I didn't steal it!

I'm kidding, geez, you need to calm down. And didn't you say Vincent's energy was just a splinter of yours or something?

Yeah. So now it's just me, which is fine. What's not fine is what you've been putting me through since I came back.

I'm concerned about that too. Jewel, talk about his return.

All right. I started lapsing extremely badly on November 18th, thanks to a massive dysphoria surge, and it scared Laurie half to death. Thanatos feelings kicked in hard, and it felt like my life up until now had been scratched like an old CD, like I had been indelibly ruined, and needed to be stopped and fixed and started over. Heck, even burn a whole new disc. But then why wasn't this new attempt turning out as well as we had all hoped it would? Why was everything still skipping, looping, mangled? Things were really, really dark for me then. I couldn't figure out why I was still suffering, and I fell really far, and then I realized that was supposed to happen, if only to bring you back, Natalie. And for that I am sorry.

For what?

For allowing your resurrection to happen at such a horrible time. I mean, it wasn't planned whatsoever, we didn't even think that was possible... but look at Xenophon, this stuff happens when it's supposed to whether we think we're ready for it or not. So you came back during an extremely rough time and you suffered for it and I am sorry. I never meant for you to go through any of that.

...You still could have done something about it.

Nat, stop. Jewel, talk about the details.

Why stop? This is important! We haven't discussed this, this is my first time talking to you people like this, and I want to figure out why that was still such a problem-- and is-- if we really have come as far as you're saying we have.

Because we still have a hell of a long way to go and obviously this discussion needs to keep happening right now, because whatever lesson Jewel needs to learn from it, he hasn't fully accepted yet. Jewel, the 18th, please.

I was given a very dark challenge to test my light against, is what this is. My light is brighter than ever, but it's no good if I don't refine it. But the old shadows are too weak to stand up to me now. The brighter I shine, the darker the shadows are that I have to face. Laurie, you've told me that several times over the past month, and so have several other people.

Because it's the truth.

I know. I just want Natalie to at least realize that, because I don't want him suffering.

I've already suffered whether or not that's true.

...All right, we really need to finish this recap. The 22nd of November was when I finally talked about Natalie coming back. I... wait, no. No, I had been keeping that a secret.

Yeah, no kidding.

What?

Natalie. Nathaniel, at first, before we started using his old name again. I... prior to the 18th, for like two weeks or more, Nat had slowly started talking to me again.

What? Seriously?

Yeah. I had been picking up on spirits or something during that time, and I chased out a bad one shortly before that, but... as my dysphoria slowly got worse, the more I started disconnecting from mirrors, and as it hasn't been this severe since, geez, late 2007?

Nat did resurrect briefly in 2009, though. As a kid.

Because he had to 'reset' after... after Julie killed him.

Sorry..

We know, love. We've been over this already.

You're the one who needs to apologize now.

Nat, shut it for a second. Jewel, get back to where you were. You didn't tell any of us that Natalie was talking to you before he resurrect-- well, obviously after he resurrected, but before he reformed. Why the heck not?

I wanted to make sure it was him, and I wanted to make sure he wasn't going to die again, for one reason or another. Then, like I said, my dysphoria hit a near-lethal spike... I mean really, I was picking up knives and I haven't done that since the psych ward! It was terrifying. So that made me let go of mirrors completely, and that was the final step in giving Nat enough of a base to reform from.

Wish I didn't.

Nat, just stop. What the hell caused this? I thought you had dropped this attitude!

I tried! But Jewel keeps picking up his old habits again and again too, so I'm sick and tired right about now!

He's trying. And you were fine when you reformed. What caused this attitude in the first place?

We were co-fronting, remember? You had me in every single mirror he walked by. Then one night he got hacked and I had no idea what to do and it scared me to death. He started hiding from mirrors because he didn't want to get at me and that defeated the purpose of me being there at all. And I realized that whatever was hurting him was what had killed me in the past, twice , and it ticked me off. Bad.

That damned tar-thing didn't kill you the second time.

You can't say it didn't. I couldn't solidify. I faded out, and why? Because Jewel was a mess and couldn't keep me stable. Lynne wasn't doing to well at that time either, if I remember correctly.

2009 was a tough year for all of us, Natalie.

Yeah, be glad you weren't up here last year. Jo, you know exactly what I'm talking about.

Mm-hmm.

So I was dead for two years and none of this is fixed? Explain this to me. That's why I'm mad.

Have you been paying any bloody attention? Julie is right there . She's on OUR side. Do you have any idea how much hell Jewel put himself through to get her here, to get to this point? We have solved a whole mountain of problems, the issue here is that they've been replaced by new ones! You can't expect this place to be a fluffy utopia, Natalie, that would defeat the purpose of us . We're the light here, and we need shadows to shine at all. Jewel, Chaos, tell him about that, will you?

What in the world can we say?

You know what? You can say a hell of a lot. Nat, didn't you hear what Jewel said about Xenophon earlier? With cycles and all that?

What about it?

She is Jewel and Chaos' kid, for the love of love itself. She's a being of rebirth up here, and you can't have rebirth without bloody dying first. You know about October 29th, right?

I know what I've heard.

Jewel lost a lot around that time last year, and that is the understatement of the bloody millennium. He almost lost me. We went through some crushing grief and emotional agony. We almost lost all hope, we bled more than we could take, and that kid almost committed suicide, do you realize how bloody serious that is?!

All right, all right, I get the point! How does this tie into the fact that we're still facing so much trouble now? If that almost killed him, you, me, and who knows who else, why isn't he over this yet?

It's not something you can just flip a switch and get over, Nat. It's not.

I wish it was though.

But it's not. So you're still fighting, and the kid's not perfect, and frankly I don't want him to be. Listen, Natalie, if you don't want to deal with pain then I'm sorry but you're going to have to pack up and leave. Pain happens up here, it's almost mandatory at this point. But it's what we learn from. It's the biggest reason why we've been able to get this far. It opened our eyes when we thought we couldn't even see anymore. Do you get it now? Jewel doesn't want you to hurt, and you shouldn't hold it against him, because it's not his fault. We're all hurting up here, but there's something we're going to learn from this once we conquer it. And I promise you we're trying to conquer it as soon as we can because I am sick of this dysphoria struggle too, but we can't solve that alone. So I'm sorry about the mirrors, Jewel's sorry about the mirrors, we're all sorry about the bloody mirrors and the co-fronting and all that but God knows we were doing our best, and you can't hold it against us for not knowing all the bloody answers before we decided to give it a shot. Capiche? Chill the heck out, stop being so ticked off about everything, and let us get on with this conversation.

...

That get through to you?

Yeah. Fine. I'll have to think about it.

Then do so. Jewel, I do believe we were discussing November 22nd.

Oh, oh yeah. Sorry.

No need to apologize kid, I stole your thunder there for a minute. Pun intended. Go on.

All right. So Natalie came back, during a dark time, but he's been a huge light to us since then. Him showing up, and getting mad at me too, was such a massive source of motivation to me that I was almost impervious to hacks for quite some time. Unfortunately that didn't last forever. Wait, I got Spine to co-front with us too for a while, didn't I?

Yes. I am still fronting with you as much as I can.

Thanks for that, by the way.

You're welcome.

So... honestly the mirror thing, with Nat, wasn't a good way to keep out dysphoria. It was more of a way to prevent hacks, but ironically it made their triggers worse. I was dead sick of it by the 22nd already, obviously, and that night I made up my mind to do whatever I could to solve it, somehow. That was the color-role thing, Laurie, with me trying to 'stabilize' our warmer colors, those more tied to physical attributes, because with the abuse lapses, they really felt like they were a mess. That also made me consider the headvoice spectrum theory which I do want to discuss once we're caught up here.

What's this?

Some really interesting mechanic he's thinking about. But yeah, we'll talk about it. Are we at December yet?

Uh... almost. Give me a minute to review this time period.

...

You all right?

...I guess.

...Do you mind if I keep talking?

Go ahead. I'm listening.

Good to hear. Xenophon, you're not saying anything either.

I'm just a little tired is all.

You going to be okay?

Yeah. I'm listening.

Geez, everyone is just listening.

Well you and Jewel are the only ones who seem to know what we're talking about here.

True...

And me, but I just let Laurie hog the spotlight. She owns this house after all.

Don't, no injokes, not at this hour. Jewel, get us back on topic.

All right, there was an entry on the 30th where I mentioned putting up the Christmas tree with Xenophon, because she's been ghosting almost every day now, for several hours at a time.

I remember that! That was awesome! We were putting little icicles everywhere.

That we were! You were so excited, it was adorable.

Well daaad, it was my first time even seeing a Christmas tree, of course I was excited. And then I got to spend time with you!

You did. I'm telling you, that is helping me so much lately, it's beautiful. And Laurie, now we're in December, timeline wise. That's when I was dealing with finals, and it's when Natalie first started to get as angry with me as he is now.

Hm. What do you have written?

Uh... he said that "he didn't want to have come back to life only to see me suffering from the same thing that killed him." I think you two just discussed that.

We did.

I also have that he calmed down after that, but I guess now it's picked up again?

Because of today! You're taking this really badly! It's kind of scaring me how, whenever I think things will be okay for a while, something like this happens.

Hey, he didn't get hacked, he didn't even have any bloody triggers.

Yeah, well I heard he's been getting 'dream hacks' again lately and those don't sound good at all.

...

We're trying to stop those. They aren't his fault.

Yeah, well, they're still scaring me. And I know we had a few near hacks this week, I've been trying to get back into the mirrors when I can. Apparently it's dangerous now though.

It's always dangerous. And you don't have to do that anymore if you don't want to, I have Menchou guarding me now when it gets bad. It's a little easier and it keeps you from getting involved in traumatic situations if they come up.

'If they come up.' That's all my worries in a nutshell.

Join the club.

And you're saying I just have to deal with this? That things are going to be rough but sometimes they'll be good to and now I just have to bite the bullet and wait for the sun to shine?

No one is going to be biting any bullets around here, not after what's happened to Jewel about that. Listen, Nat. If you're that angry then come talk to me or Lynne or someone about it, seriously. Stop festering in rage like this, we don't want any attribute flips happening, that would not end well.

Attribute flips?

I'm sure they're possible. They've happened to our benefit a few times. Leon? Julie? I do believe you're living examples.

...

Leon?

Originally held the paranoid gambler influence up here. Remember that mess?

Vaguely, I guess.

He personified in 2010 when it got bad. I got pissed, killed him. He came back that winter and we decided to give him another chance. He got his act together and here he is, wha-la. Julie's a whole 'nother story, I daresay you know all about that miracle.

As well as I can, I guess. Not all of it.

Well we'll fill you in later, why the hell not. As of now, Jewel, we are still trying to finish this monolith of a recap.

That might be tricky. The 8th was also the static incident.

I thought we solved that.

As well as we could.

Static incident?

Yeah, what is that?

Something bad that I refuse to talk about outside of vague terminology. Ironically it's a massive hack-blocker, but at the same time it was deeply unsettling and kind of traumatic? I think it's also playing into my current dysphoria resurgence.

Could be, from what I know of it. Which isn't much, surprisingly, as you refuse to tell anyone about it. Chaos, did he tell you about this?

He told me about it!

What, in detail?

No, he didn't want me to know either.

Same here. I don't know what it is, except that it involved--

No details, not here. That's not to be discussed. It's not a topic for discussion, it's just in the back of my head and making me really creeped out every once in a while. But it's actually not a problem, nor is it causing any triggers, I guess.

You guess.

Well, it's bad because it involves an absolute ton of triggers. That's why it was traumatic. My mind honestly went into a sort of mild shock state after that happened, for a few days.

And that's blocking hacks?

It doesn't want to be reminded. I don't either.

Huh. Makes sense.

You're sure it's not hurting you, though?

Not directly. It's hard to explain. Can we talk about this later, please? There are other things I'd much rather discuss.

Sure, move on then.

Laurie, are you sure?

Yeah. He and I have already touched upon this topic a few times in previous conversations. I think we're good for now. What's next, kid?

The 9th. It snowed two days prior to that.

Oh, I remember that.

You should. That was gorgeous.

It was.

Was that when you two ghosted?

Yeah.

That melted fast though.

Unfortunately, but in a way it made that morning all the more beautiful.

Death and life, huh?

Absolutely. And... I think that was one of the big motivating experiences for the 23rd.

Why.

Let me quote myself. "In that moment I wanted so badly for us to actually be there together. I didn't care that I had classes in the morning. I loved him so much, in those frozen moments, that I wanted to get lost in him right then and there. The snow felt like my heart and everything was just as beautiful as he was."

Yeah, that was definitely a motivation for that. What is it with you and words?

What?

You and words. When you get all poetic like that. It's gorgeous.

Thank you. I don't know, though. It just happens. It's just the truth.

Not his native language, though.

Oh, you would know.

Laurie, I thought you banned him from flirting.

To hell with the rules, kid, we're all breakers up here. So that was... when?

The snow was on the 7th. On the 9th, we brought Xennie into our Rock Band escapades.

Hee!

Heck yeah, that was brilliant. Kid, that bass guitar is bigger than you are.

Not really!

Haha.

Yeah, we have fun on that game.

We really do, it's great.

Oh! Dude! Guess what else happened on the 9th?

What?

The lights!

The red lights? Nice.

What red lights?

It's complicated and symbolic. Basically I discovered that, when I am around red light and nothing else-- in total darkness-- I somehow feel and look like myself, appearances notwithstanding.

Which is somewhat paradoxical, but that's you in a nutshell, boy.

I am an anomaly, yeah.

You're the glorious exception to the rule.

Curious on the use of the word 'glorious' there?

Past session, Laur. Jewel and I were referencing the original 23rd.

Ah. Nice one then.

Thanks.

Reminds me of the night my garnets started working, huh?

Yeah, hey, it does! When was that?

Uh, July 23rd, believe it or not.

Dude. You're kidding.

Not in the slightest!

Well Laurie, look at that.

I'm looking, guys, I'm looking.

Dad, when are mine going to work?

No idea, love. But they'll activate for you at the exact right time, no sooner and no later. I mean really, it took me how long to get mine working?

That depends. We counting up from your Ambassador initiation?

Yeah, why not.

Thirteen years, then.

Thirteen years!! Dad I don't want to wait that long!

Haha, you won't, I promise. You started life farther along down the right road than I did.

What do you mean?

I mean you were born at a time when both Chaos and I were secure enough in our own lives to teach you correctly. And then of course you had Lynne and Laurie and even Nebisai, seriously kid, you've been getting nothing but purely compassionate help since you were born.

Except for me.

Julie, that doesn't count. And that incident did prove to be very important, positively so, just so you know.

If you insist.

It did. And now you do have the opportunity to make up for that, so it's okay.

I don't hold it against you Julie. You know I don't.

I never said you did.

Yeah but I just thought I would tell you, just in case.

Hm. Thanks.

No problem. Dad?

Yeah?

Not you! My other dad!

Well geez, you keep talking to him, I think I'd like you to talk to me once in a while.

...But we're talking about Power Jewels and things and you didn't speak up.

I'm kidding, Xennie.

Oh. Sorry!

It's fine! Keep talking to J, that's fine by me too.

Haha.

You three are brilliant.

So I've gathered. But yeah, love, they'll work for you right when they need to. So don't you worry about it. You're on the right track, I promise.

Okay dad.

(CLICK FOR PART TWO)

SESSION PARTICIPANTS

LAURIE UBERICH

JEWEL LIGHTRAYE

GENESIS APOLYMIS

LYNNE STABELLE

MR. SANDMAN

JOSEPHINA BELLAMEIRE

CHAOS ZERO

LEON KIASI

SPINE HYPOMONE

And here we are, with the long-awaited followup to our March entries.

We sure are. You got the note file open?

Not yet... all right, now I do.

Good. Because we need to go through that list one at a time, and figure out what's been solved and what's still up for discussion.

Also we need to get everyone else in here.

I'm here!! Told you I'd show up.

Haha, awesome.

I've got the whole crew with me, don't worry.

And I daresay you wanted me to participate in this conversation, child?

I sure did, with what's been happening lately.

We're missing someone important.

Who, Chaos?

Yeah. Where the heck is he? Jewel, go get him.

All right, all right, I'm here.

Seriously dude, are you okay?

...No, not really.

We did discuss this last night. You two discussed it twice. It's going to be okay.

Sure, but it still hurts like hell.

What happened?

We'll get to that. First we need to catch up on everything that's been happening since May, because that is some serious business and we haven't talked about it here yet, for inexplicable reasons.

Schedule conflicts, channeling strain and the fact that a LOT has happened in the past three months on top of all that.

True, but this is still a major issue.

It is. Let's get started, then. Our first point is--

The splinters. Let's start there.

Should we? Because I have the ego conflict listed here first.

Wait, really? All right, put that down. That does tie into this.

Okay. Back around May 5th, I think, I discovered that my biggest problem was not Julie, in a sense-- it was the fact that I was actually not the person driving all the time. My 'ego' was. I have it defined as "a mindless conglomeration of expectations, not an actual personification or true consciousness." Which is true. It's simply a mask, a programmed set of actions and thoughts, that runs whenever I'm not explicitly in control and causes a ton of problems.

Like the incessant talking in public.

Right. And we also discovered, last night--

Don't bring that up yet, it's too early. Keep going with the old notes.

All right. Uh, everyone is paying attention to this, right?

Yes, child. I've been keeping up with the news.

How? I never see you around.

Laurie fills me in, friend.

Oh. I didn't know that.

Yeah, most of the things I'm going to list here are probably common knowledge for all of you at this point... but just in case, I'm going to reiterate them, and of course our invisible audience has no idea what these things are right now. I just wanted everyone here to catch up.

That's fine with me.

I got caught up early then.

You did! But that was because you directly tied into what we were dealing with at the time.

Jewel, keep talking. We're on a bit of a time limit here.

You're right. Okay, next bit... this is where the splinter talk starts. It deals with old theories though, Laurie.

Which ones?

The 'original consciousness' thing.

Yeah, we debunked that.

But only because of the splinter issue.

So explain that jargon already.

Okay. On May 5th, I discovered that thanks to all my mask-wearing and destructive coping methods in the past, I had developed at least three "splinter" personalities. These are not real individuals, instead being almost 'reflections' of me, but in an incomplete and very specific way. And yes, the 'ego' is technically one. Although I only became aware of them in May, we all postulated that they had 'solidified' during my January trip to the psychiatric ward. This is because, prior to that incident, the aspects that the splinters hold had been part of my personality, I guess. But both during and after the psych ward trip, those aspects disappeared from me completely, and began to only occur when my own consciousness was compromised in dangerous situations.

Back in May you didn't think they were entirely separate from you, though.

That's not entirely untrue though. They're splinters for a reason-- broken parts of me that I don't need, but that were 'me' at one point.

Were they really?

...I'm not sure, actually. They seemed to-- wait, we discussed this last night too. Geez. I'm getting very disoriented.

Let me talk then. Your first splinter is the one we call "Thanatos." It is a breakoff of your old death drive.

That's what always made me feel like I had to harm and kill myself, if I did something wrong.

Yeah, because Thanatos doesn't see the whole picture. It's selfish, and that's why it broke off. Your 'death drive' was originally a positive thing, a need to rid yourself of negative aspects in order to let better aspects take hold. But, with your mindset at the time, it quickly became corrupted and turned into a destruction drive. It started wanting to annihilate everything that didn't fit its narrow, unrealistic view of perfection.

It wanted me to have no faults, no mistakes, nothing. It didn't realize that I could learn from mistakes, and that some 'faults' weren't faults at all in the big picture. Things like that. It works blindly, really. Thanatos only manifests when I'm under extreme stress, and almost always after hacks, for obvious reasons. And when it shows up, its sole motive is to kill me and everything around me that it views as harmful or a problem.

Which is usually everything.

Yeah, it's become pretty maniacal. Also it is unable to interact with people. I tried talking to it yesterday, but... I don't know. It doesn't even seem to exist in a complete state unless its running through me.

Because its quickly losing its power. It's still connected to that lingering drive in you, kid. As long as you still hold on to that old destruction principle in some sense, it won't go away entirely.

How does he still have a 'destruction principle?'

I think that ties into my ego, again. But we'll get to that thing later. I want to talk about the second fragment first.

That one is seriously dangerous.

I know. Which is kind of scary. See, we call my second splinter 'Fragment.' It only becomes conscious if I'm in a state of extreme trauma or an emotional meltdown, and it... doesn't do anything. It literally just turns off everything, and completely unhinges. It feels nothing.

That one was definitely born from the psych ward.

...Yeah. Actually, Thanatos manifested after that because I rejected my abusive tendencies during that time, but with the awful side effects I got from my medication, I was fighting a rough battle. I honestly became so violent and frantic from my meds that, after about a week, I was spending my entire day walking around the house ranting senselessly and feeling like my head was going to explode. I was suicidal, 24/7, and I had a hairtrigger temper that would cause me to literally start destroying everything around me if it was set off. It was the most terrifying thing I had ever felt... it was like there was a raging fire in my head, all the time. It wasn't a depressive sort of suicidal drive... it was a maniacal sort. It was like, "if I don't kill myself this instant and stop all this fire and pain and rage, I am going to kill everything else." It was bad.

But once you got off the meds it went away.

Only from me. That incredibly powerful death drive is what Thanatos was born from, though. But it did go away from me completely. I don't ever feel anything like that unless it takes over, and then I'm not even driving.

How did the fragment one solidify, though?

...That one was a long time coming. In the past, when I would be in traumatic situations, I would always tell myself "it'll be over soon, just bite the bullet and wait it out." I would never fight back. I would compromise my morals and my very self because I was so terrified. That happened in Utah a few times, and with my family several times... but that one night in the psych ward was the final blow. It shattered me.

...I know what night that was.

Yeah. I won't talk about it here, but it scarred me. The ward itself forced me into a state of blind trauma for five days straight, but that night was the final nail in the coffin. Once I got out, and after I recovered from my medication, I understood with painful clarity that I could no longer do that to myself in traumatic situations. I had to fight back and get out, not freeze up and 'deal with it.' Unfortunately, since that reaction had splintered, it still takes over in times of trauma for me, and now since it is no longer me, it is twice as dangerous.

That bloody splinter doesn't feel a thing, so it doesn't comprehend pain and death and has no qualms about inflicting them on others.

It likes to tear things apart and just look at them. I have no idea where that came from, but it's scary.

Tear things apart?

Yeah. It's... kind of unsettlingly methodical. Actually, that probably ties into the trauma. It wants to learn every last detail about the things that triggered it, like I used to, so I could 'neutralize' or avoid them. But since the splinter can't feel and it doesn't understand the traumatic feelings I get from those situations, it will keep me in them just so it can study them. It's a total perversion of my old coping methods. Genesis, you know about that from my early research days.

Yeah, so that's what happened to it?

Pretty much.

Ironically that does help. The splinter just takes it way too bloody far.

...

About... about that. The last splinter is technically my ego.

The ultimate mask, huh?

Yep. I already mentioned that it's a bunch of expectations and shallow ideas strung together, but what I didn't mention was that, for most of my life, that was what I projected to the world. I was always strongly aware of a severe disconnect between 'the real me' and the 'me' I lived outwardly, at school and at home. That outward 'me' was the ego. It was crafted specifically to fit what other people wanted me to be. It was never me... but I didn't realize that until 2008, when I was forced to re-evaluate my entire life up to that point. That's when I slowly started becoming aware that my everyday actions were not conscious actions-- the person I was around others was a lie.

When the heck did it break off for good though?

It didn't, really. It still haunts me, every day, because it was so strongly enforced in the past.

No, I mean when did you clearly understand that it was not you, in any sense?

Uh, probably around late 2009? Because by 2010 there was already a mental war going on for me, in trying to finally overcome those ego drives. It's why Utah was so hard for me: I kept shuffling back and forth between myself and that old thing, because I was still unsure and scared. I was still too paranoid to stand up for myself. 2009 was a big transition year for me, but 2010 was when things really started to clarify themselves... and this year has been nonstop progress, pretty much. I almost can't believe how much I've grown in truth over the past 5 months.

It has been incredible, yeah.

You too, Laurie.

Don't forget Chaos, if you're going to point me out.

...Thanks.

Hey, it's the absolute truth, buddy. But since you're still looking absolutely miserable, I say we move on to the next topic. Jewel?

Sorry. Can I quickly clarify what that "original consciousness" thing was, though?

Sure, go ahead. We almost forgot about that.

Exactly! So, back when I first noticed the splinters, I began to wonder if Julie fit that definition, because she keeps insisting that I 'took this body from her' and everything, but remember I consciously built a framework for her to personify within when I was a child. She ended up becoming horrifically corrupted, true, but that statement made me wonder if she was a 'consciousness' before that. Then I understood that, no, I was the base consciousness, and besides me there had only been what dark qualities she had formed from... and the ego. Which she is technically tied to anyway.

Both she and the ego grew into absolute monsters in time.

They did. And their arguments against me were based on their innate self-gratification and preservation instincts, where they want what they want at any cost, and will do the same thing to survive. Back when the splinters showed up, though, I began to worry if they were right, and whether or not I'd be able to safely front without them trying to hack me. Well, we solved that now, but back then it was a huge concern, thanks to my splintering.

So basically you thought that your splinters were making it too dangerous to drive, because with them around you were hacked insanely easily.

Yep. And we figured out why that was last night.

They're all working together.

What-- all of them? I thought you said they weren't individuals?

They're not. Julie is manipulating them. Since the two main splinters work as automatic drives, Julie has learned how to bring them out, and then use either them or the ego to break through our defenses and attack Jewel while he's not consciously able to fight her. It's sick, huh?

So that's why I've been having such a hard time with this...

We all have.

Do not worry, Josephina. I believe Julie knows what she is now up against, and will not try such underhanded tactics so often.

Not after you punched her in the freakin' face, no.

I told you, Laurie, I was ticked off. That shadow truly tests my patience.

Thanks for showing up last night, again.

It was the least I could do, Jewel.

If you're going to talk about that, at least have the decency to mention what she did that reduced me to this.

We will, Chaos. We're just getting ahead of ourselves, as usual. Jewel, next topic.

Okay. So we just said how Julie is using my splinters to get at me, and how the ego, being another purely self-interested drive, effectively has the same goals as Julie in that sense. Plus the ego works with Julie's mindset because it allows itself to be freely manipulated to fit the whims of others. It has no moral code of its own. That's why I was... that's why my fragment splinter had enough trauma to work with, in order to solidify.

No bloody kidding.

That's my line, CZ. And chill out, please. We are dealing with this the best we can.

I am as chilled out as I can possibly be right now. I know we're dealing with it, but really Laurie, that hurt more than I can express.

We know. And I'm sorry, but we did what we had to and now we have to deal with the present situation.

I can't just forget what she did to him.

I'm not asking you to. I'm just asking you to at least accept that it was not our fault that it happened.

I didn't say it was. I'm furious with her.

And we can't do anything about how she is either. We've tried. So yeah, it was absolutely sick that she did that to you both, but no one expected it and Jewel managed to deal with it in a surprisingly effective manner, actually. He didn't let her get to him or anyone else.

I know that. It just... I don't know if I can forgive her for that.

I didn't think so, no. I think only Jewel can right now.

...Chaos, is there anything I can do?

You're doing everything you can already. I just need to deal with this myself.

Can't do that, bro. We're all in this together.

...I suppose we are.

Listen, don't let her do this to you. Yeah, it hurts like hell, but if you let it get to you this much it's just going to blind you. All right?

Is that why you aren't tearing up the walls about this?

Basically. I'm furious too-- several of us are-- but if I keep dwelling on a situation that we already solved then I won't make any progress here. Same with you. Focus on what she couldn't do, okay?

She tried.

And she failed, miserably. Listen, let's wait until we hit that actual part of the conversation to finish discussing this. Jewel, what's up next?

Just a mention of how, for a while, I was 'unable to feel emotion.' We all remember that, I'm sure.

Yes.

I'm thinking that tied into my fragment splinter, maybe? That or my ego. Because really, it boiled down to a refusal to accept what I was feeling, so I knew that there was a disconnect but I didn't know what was causing it.

We discussed that in several past entries, Jewel.

Yeah, but were we wrong? We thought it was 'emotional overload,' but geez, lately I have been proving that dead wrong. I can handle a lot. Really, I was letting Julie bother me so badly-- like you're feeling right now, Chaos-- that I was falling so far off-center I couldn't be myself. Thanatos was kicking in like it always does after hacks, and Fragment would show up when it got blinding. It took a lot of talking with you, Laurie, and some major spiritual growth before I had the guts to say "you know what, she isn't me and I'm not responsible for her actions." It took me so long to be able to admit that yes, I had made mistakes in allowing her to manipulate me in the past, but that was the past. I was no longer that person. And now that we understand how the ego was giving Julie far too many ways to get at me, I honestly cannot blame myself in any sense for that. I hadn't known what I do now. I was blinded and lost and sick, and although I am sorry that I allowed her to put me through that, I learned from every one of those losses. Once I accepted that once and for all... which actually might not have truly happened until June 29th... there was nothing blocking my catharsis anymore. I had no reason to hold myself back.

You stopped second-guessing yourself, finally.

Haha, yeah. I bet you're proud of me for that, after yelling at me to do that for years.

Psh, I sure am!

So he's really fixed that emotional block, then?

Yes ma'am.

The blue guy over there was the main reason why that happened, you know.

Well of course. I'm the most genuine when I'm with him, and you.

Plus you absolutely adore him.

I do.

And that's what every single revelation and answer we've found so far narrows down to, after all.

He loves you too, Laurie.

I know. That's my point.

Is that all you needed to do to break the cathartic block? Just... accept that?

Well we had to realize it first. Thank the Rapture that didn't happen!

Yeah, seriously, that was actually a huge help.

I got so paranoid about it maybe happening, that I spent two full weeks doing hardcore spiritual and philosophical research before the 21st hit, and... well, I learned so much that by the time that Saturday rolled around, I had no fear at all. I realized that the fearmongers were wrong, that I was on the right track after all, and that I had nothing to be afraid of.

The Light works in mysterious ways.

Heheh, it sure does. No coincidences in any case.

Also, my therapist.

Dude, yes. He has helped a heck of a lot whether he realizes it or not.

Which is funny, actually, because most of what I've learned from him came about as an aftereffect. When I got my neurology results back in June, he told me that I had the symptoms of PTSD. Now of course that's mostly thanks to Julie, but I didn't mention that. I spent a while thinking about that, though, which opened my eyes to both how my splinters were working behind the scenes and exactly why I had experienced such traumatic things at Julie's hands in the past.

Because of your ego, yet again.

Yeah, but now I at least understood just how far back that went, and exactly what it entailed. So while dealing with that, I was also trying to hold onto every bit of the peace I found in May, but it kept slipping, and that was making me very concerned too. Now this was nearing the end of June, though.

Stuff got crazy around then.

It sure did... I kept finding spiritual verifications, and then I started talking to Melody a lot, and the things she was experiencing in her life were actually starting to line up with mine. Synchronicity, you know. So that helped immensely, and we spent quite some time helping each other with that... and then after we both hit a very rough spot in our lives, we individually decided it was time to take serious action... and she got engaged. That set everything off on my end.

In short, it caused our previous entry.

And that entry caused some incredible progress.

Yeah, Laurie, you really opened my eyes there! I have to thank you for that, again, because without you helping us out I don't think we would have reached the point we did afterwards.

Hey, it's my job. But you are very welcome, Jewel. I'd do it again in a heartbeat.

Speaking of, uh... July 7th was a week later.

Holy heck, you did. I didn't realize it was that soon!

It was!

What was July 7th?

It was... something really significant happened, to him. Like a beginning of a new life, or a new name. I have jargon for it obvously but it's too complicated to get into now. Suffice to say, it's a total change of heart, that changes the "name" of who you are, AT that heart. But for that to happen, of course, your old self essentially has to 'die' so you can be reborn as someone totally new. The dying up here is symbolic, though. Well, most of the time at least.

It was in this case, thank God. *incidents* are another story.

Geez, yeah, tell me about it. I've been remembering those too, lately. This is definitely a new concept though. Which is... really beautiful to think about. Same core, different application. But, um, we'll get to that. Laurie you take the floor.

Heh, inevitably. Point is, Spine, in this case with Chaos and in all others-- which is news to me, really, I'll be the first to make that jab-- you don't need to die a literal bloody death in order to "start your life over again" for the better. Focusing on the blood tends to shift things towards the nihilistic, y'know? And honestly I'm sick of it. Death isn't as grim a reaper as people think. They're also the doorman to heaven. Besides, death is only a door, as we like to say. It's not the end of life. Key thing, though, is what kind of life you're headed to after that scythe swings. And that's why we're honoring this phenomenon, as we do. Sorry, kid, I'm not just taking the floor I'm stealing the whole freaking building.

No no no, you speak really well about this topic, unsurprisingly. You're tapped in to the heart of it.

Heh. I guess so.Thanks, kid, that means a lot.

I know. That's why I said it.

Yeah, no kidding, you moron. Still, I'm not used to rambling on like this.

It's all right, it is making deep sense. Do not worry.

Yeah, you're... elucidating this shockingly well.

Hey, don't underestimate me, waterboy, you and your frickin' twelve-point Scrabble words.

Look who's talking, and I never said I was. It's just... it means a lot, to hear that you... get it, after all that happened.

We'll get to that. For now let me hand the mic back over to Jewel, because the last thing we need is another frickin' blatherskite in here.

Haha, hey!

Gotta rib on ya sometime, kid. So yeah, bottom line is, death is still an angel. And we're surrounded by those, heh. Pun intended. So we've got potential doorways all over the place. Every day is a new chance at life if you see it as such. All you need is a death in principle. Mind you, it's still serious bloody business. Death can be quiet, but it's still one heck of an earthshaking event. It always is. So for your old self to 'die,' you have to hit a permanent turning point in your personal development, something so key it cannot be reversed. It's a high point that redefines your absolute foundation.

That's a really good way of putting it. Those 'high points' really are revolutionary. Mine was when I finally realized that love was at the heart of everything, on June 26th. That's when the cathartic block went away forever, Jo. Sure, the non-Rapture set the stage for it, but it wasn't until that night in June that I was able to understand everything I had learned during that time, and so much more. After that night I really found the peace I had been looking for.

And that's what happened to me on July 7th.

Yeah. We both understood everything there.

Also Chaos gained creator abilities up here, congratulations.

Wait, what??

Well he did.

I did not know that.

See, this is why I wanted everyone in here to listen! I figured there were some details that never went completely public in the headspace.

I am aware of all the details, child.

No kidding, Sandman, I told you everything.

My point exactly!

How did Chaos get creator abilities, though?

I gave them to him. It's a bit of a long story, too long to reiterate here, but that's basically it.

Link them to the journal, boy.

Haha, okay. For those of you wanting all the details, everything is in here.

So are we all caught up now?

Uh, almost. We still have yesterday to talk about.

Wait, hold up. We also have two monster girls to mention.

Oh man, yeah, we do. Should I bring them in here?

Your call, J.

Well, hm. I don't know. That might be too sudden, as I haven't spoken to either of them in ages. I'll just talk about them for a bit and then we can discuss yesterday, as that's literally the last thing on this list.

We're seriously up to speed for the past few months?

Yeah, we solved practically everything I have listed here, so there wasn't much left to talk about. It's really just the splinters, and everything surrounding them, that's still a concern.

Wow. That's... that's pretty awesome.

You know, I want to talk about you, too.

Me?

Yeah. You and Leon. Not now, but after we cover the next two points. You guys are important and you've been out of the loop for a while.

I told you why that was--

And that's what I want to discuss. But we'll get to that. Jewel, tell us about the ladies you met in May.

Sure thing. Um, on May 16th, I was on a bit of a high from the religious research I had been doing at the time, and was finally overcoming the rather misogynistic prejudices I had developed from Julie. And I'm not exactly sure how it happened, but as a result of that, I ended up browsing this Tumblr blog full of monster girls for the entire evening. Unfortunately I was up too late, and ended up being hacked by Julie around 1AM, due to being too tired to fight her and being too forgiving to realize that she was legitimately hurting me.

How does that work?

Because I was feeling so right for once, but I made the mistake of using that as justification to blind myself to any bad things that were happening. I tried to pretend there was nothing wrong with her using me, although there was. Remember this was still at least four days before I really hit a peaceful state, so I was overcoming the last of that old confusion. Either way, I made that mistake, and when I finally regained conscious awareness and understood that I had been wrong, I almost collapsed into the 'unfeeling' sort of tiredness that happens with early hacks... but then these two monster girls showed up.

Upstairs?

Yeah. There was a brown anthro canine girl, about my size and age, and an insectoid girl who looked partially cybernetic. She was brownish too, but she wasn't anthro and was about twice my size. I thought they were golems that Julie had created to mess with me, so I didn't pay attention to them until they started talking to me, telling me that I shouldn't listen to Julie and that they were there to help.

Were they walk-ins?

I don't know, probably. They resembled the monster girls I had been looking at that day, so maybe they were. Either way, they were surprisingly understanding and patient with me, and managed to calm me down enough to stabilize from the hack. They even went as far as trying to explain just why I was wrong in trying to justify Julie's actions. So of course, at this point I wanted to know who they were and just why they were helping me like this. The dog-girl introduced herself as Menchou, and the insect-girl as Veradenne. They said that they didn't like seeing me be used like this, and they wanted to help, simple as that.

But they didn't say where they came from?

No. I guess I just assumed what you did, Lynne, that they were walk-ins. Either way I didn't see them again until sometime early in June, I think after another hack. But they're unfailingly kind and amiable with me, and I really like them both. I'm going to try to find them again soon, because if they aren't stable up here I don't want them fading or losing easy access to main headspace. Plus it's weird that they only showed up those two times, to help me stabilize after hacks, and in mindspace pockets away from the main area.

They sound nice.

They are. So maybe after this discussion I'll try to bring them here, and introduce them to you guys properly. I mean, help is help, and if they could become members of our crazy camaraderie up here that would be awesome.

They'd probably pack a serious punch against our current problem, too.

Pun intended, Laurie?

Heh, sure.

But yeah, that's that. I haven't mentioned them anywhere online yet, but I'm going to post the two monster girl pictures that resemble them on my private Tumblr soon. That way I'll be reminded of them whenever I log on, too.

Speaking of reminders, it's already 6PM and we need to continue our discussion of last night.

Continue? I thought we kept putting it off?

Jewel and Chaos talked about it a bit in private earlier, during a short time gap right after the monster girl discussion. I'm glad they did, because we apparently missed one major detail about it yesterday.

Where do we start, though?

Start with the splinter thing, that you and I decided on. That's what triggered that whole mess.

Okay. Around midnight last night, I was talking to Laurie as usual before I shut down for the day when I felt that my fragment splinter was bothering me. We fought it off for a while, before it could try to manifest, but then I realized something. Oh, wait, we didn't mention that, did we?

What?

The dream hacks.

Shoot, no, I think we forgot. Explain that.

After our last session, we stopped Julie from directly hacking me, so she started using dreams. However since she still couldn't get at me directly, she started to attack dream individuals and reroute their pain through me. This happened almost every night between June 30th and July 12th, with some nights even having multiple hacks. It got incredibly traumatic, but my boss heard about it almost immediately and started taking drastic action against it. Typical nightmare blocks didn't affect her, and our previous methods of keeping her out weren't working now, as she was using others to get at me. So I don't know what you did, boss.

I tried tracking her down, first, as I cannot ban individuals from dreamscapes. However she became so brazenly cruel that I could no longer deal with her in a passive manner.

Was that when you punched her?

Yes. I would not hesitate to do so again, if she attempts to attack you now.

I don't blame you for hitting her, not after that hack...

You had some awful fallout from that one.

She was doing what she did last night, Laurie! I underestimated how depraved her methods could be. Not anymore.

Was that when she... pretended to be... you know?

Yeah. It was. It absolutely tore my heart out. And then last night happened, and now I've had it. She is done for.

Let's get back to that.

We can't yet. I didn't mention that on the 12th, my fragment splinter actually managed to stop the dream hacks by confronting Julie in its detached manner, which was a horrible gamble but it somehow worked. It... actually let her try to hack me, but as soon as she tried it chased her out and... hacked me itself.

Wait, that's what it did??

Yeah. It hacked me three times, treating the hacks as 'study tools' as it usually does, not understanding the pain and terror it was putting me through. However in 'stealing' Julie's methods, it somehow stopped her from hacking my dreams, and I haven't had one since then.

You've been in horrific bodily pain, though. Also, I am ticked that you didn't tell me that detail about it. You said that it took Julie out of the situation, but--

I know. But I left out the whole truth. I guess I lied to myself about it... I was too scared to really think about it, and that's when I started cleaning out my dA favorites, remember. That caused even more problems but at least it kept my mind off the hacks. By the way that has details in glissando, too. It's nothing we need to discuss right now.

No, we can't do anything about that now. So can we continue with last night?

Yeah. So I said that the same fragment splinter was bothering me, but I realized there was a problem. Fragment has never done that before, and it shouldn't. Its sole forming purpose was to deal with traumatic incidents, although it did so wrongly. That's when I understood why it was bothering me-- it wanted to hack me again, for its insane unfeeling research.

You didn't tell me that either! The heck, Jewel?

I couldn't tell you, or you wouldn't have let me do what I did next. I told Laurie that it was bothering me, sure, but I didn't say how. I simply said that I wanted to try confronting it. I wanted to try and get it to stop using me, to show it that it had no reason to learn Julie's methods. I also tried confronting Thanatos then, but like I said earlier, it wasn't even approachable in a vague sense.

Obviously I had left by this time.

Yeah. You said to call you if anything happened, and I said I would. However I needed to take a risk then, for what I was trying to accomplish. I continued to try and reason with the fragment splinter, explaining that Julie was using me for selfish purposes and that emulating her was only hurting me, but it wasn't listening. I guess I should have expected that, with how it completely shuts out the world when it manifests. Anyway, my plan was working. In getting my fragment splinter focused on that, it caught Julie's attention. And she showed up.

Did she... hack you?

She tried. But that was my plan, which is why I couldn't tell Laurie. I just... didn't expect her to do what she did. I don't know if I want to talk about it, because--

She tried to be me.

...

That bitch.

It was awful, because I knew she was lying to my face, but I had to play along in order to do what I needed to. However I repeatedly asked her to explain herself, but she kept falling back on her usual shallow excuses. No matter how I tried to reason with her she wouldn't talk to me. So I gave up. Still playing along, I asked her if she loved me, but she wouldn't look at me or answer. I told her then that I knew who she really was, and what she was doing, and that she could not fool me or anyone else anymore. That's when I revealed that I had tricked her too-- my fragment splinter had taken the hack instead of me.

How did you pull that off?

The thing takes over my consciousness whenever it shows up. It was pretty easy to give it a temporary headspace form in my place for the time being. Don't worry, I dismantled that afterwards, and since that scenario allowed me to completely explain what Julie was doing, it has no reason to try and use me to 'find out' again. If it tries, well, then we'll take action against it.

Did Thanatos show up?

It tried, but since I hadn't allowed Julie to hack me, I convinced it that it had no reason to show up. So it went away.

Thank God, because we had better things to worry about then.

Yeah, I called you back in, and I think a few of you showed up too?

I did, but you didn't explain the situation then.

I showed up really late...

Which is why you're here now. Still, we're skipping the most important part of this topic, and that is what Julie was trying to pull with what she did.

She hasn't pretended to be someone else in over a year, since I quickly learned to see through her lies. However, when the dream hacks restarted this month, she got me twice by that method, and since I can't fight her in dreams she got away with it. But it was horrible, because her doing that was not solely to get what she wanted through me-- it was to get revenge on me for stopping her, and to try and undermine what I felt for the people she was pretending to be.

She took that even further yesterday, though, because you were conscious when she tried it.

It was because of the 29th. She was trying to undermine that.

She can't. It's impossible.

But the fact that she tried, that she had the nerve to disguise as me in face alone and use you like that is beyond forgiveness.

Jewel, elaborate on her motives, though. You had some seriously important insight into that.

I did, yeah. Um... she tried to justify herself with the same reasons I get from everyone else when that subject is concerned. You know, "it feels good," "it's fun," stupid things like that. My teachers, parents and therapists all said that too, but hearing it from her, and my actually having the guts to ask her to explain that made me realize the truth of it. It's inherently selfish. There is nothing loving about it by its very definition. And that's why she lives on it. See, I asked her why, if I loved someone, I would choose to do that with them? She used the 'physical connection' nonsense there, and I interrupted her by saying that no, there was no connection and I could see that now. It was a selfish act for selfish reasons. If the physical sensation was not there for her, she wouldn't do it because she would get nothing from it! So I shot down all her arguments, berated her for even trying to sabotage my relationships, and then told her to get the heck out of my head. So she left and my splinters left and that's when I called Laurie in.

And I called Chaos in, and he had an immediate emotional meltdown.

Did you seriously expect anything else from me at that point?

No. It just hurt, like you said.

I think the most damaging part was that she was effectively trying to derail what we had accomplished on the 29th. We took her power away from her and then got rid of it ourselves. So she was ticked, and decided that if she was going to get revenge on me, that was the cruelest way to do it.

Also because she was trying to see if she could confuse you, remember?

Oh, dude, yeah, I forgot to mention that! She used to confuse me by doing that when I was younger and didn't know better, but now that I did, she had the nerve to gamble with it by trying to desecrate what we had purified all over again. I was too smart for her though.

Thank God, seriously.

I also want to mention the physical connection thing, and why she was wrong. I actually realized that when talking to my therapist that morning, so I'm glad I had that knowledge to fall back on. See, I don't experience sexual attraction whatsoever, but I have no problem with being very close to people physically, in either a platonic or more intimate sense. But it is never sexual, and that's what Julie was trying to twist. The real 'physical connection' is in trusting someone enough to let them get close to you, which is what I would focus on when I was younger. I never realized that Julie was abusing that. I was too confused by the fact that it still involved physical closeness to understand that I was being lied to. Sexuality is superfluous in that sense. It is not needed for any sort of connection. Its sole purpose is for reproduction, and in that sense it can be used positively, don't get me wrong... but people like Julie get so obsessed with the selfish aspects of it that they try to use those as justification for abusing it, and others if that's the case. It is with her. So I finally understand that, and now I'm no longer confused on any level concerning that topic.

I think you effectively purified your color in doing that, too.

Yeah! Like I said, it kept getting associated with Julie's vices, but then I realized that didn't make much sense, because physicality in and of itself isn't bad. So I stopped feeling guilty about wanting to be close to people all the time, because that has nothing to do with her after all. She was just lying to me the whole time.

I get it.

Chaos, do you have anything to add to this? Because I still feel horrible about what she did, and I don't want to leave you out of this discussion in any case.

No, I'm just so thankful you weren't damaged from that.

Well I was just as badly hurt emotionally as you were, but...

I mean you didn't let her blind you to the truth. I... that has happened before.

That one Sunday evening in January, right?

...Yeah.

That won't ever happen again, Chaos. I swear to you.

I know it won't. I just doubt I'll ever be able to forget how terrifying that was, for both of us.

...

Laurie, are we done discussing this?

I guess so. Jewel?

Yeah, I think we covered as much as we could, except--

We'll get to that.

I thought you said you were trying to open up, Laurie?

I am. I just... don't know if I want to discuss that openly yet.

Hey, you have to start somewhere.

Fine. Jo, let me yell at you first.

Why are you yelling at me now?

Because you're never around. I know you and Leon have been focusing on keeping guard, and I do seriously appreciate that. But the fact of the matter is that you don't know what's going on here while you're out there. You don't have the whole picture.

I told you, I'm going to try to associate with you more. We all are.

Good. We are far too bloody disconnected, and it's keeping us from accomplishing things on a larger scale. We need to keep up the communication or there will be a heavy price to pay, believe me.

Should we just check in with you?

Me or Jewel, yeah. The same thing goes for you, Lynne. I know you're busy watching over Spine and that monster kid, but I'm concerned about them too and the lack of info is starting to get at my nerves.

I apologize for that, Laurie, but we have been busy. You haven't had the time to talk to us yourself lately, remember.

I'm not denying that. Life's been insane lately. My point is that, now that things have settled down and we know what the heck we're doing, we all need to keep it together. Genesis, you too. You need to stick around us three more often, all right?

I don't want to get in your way though.

You won't get in anyone's way, love. I miss having you around.

Yeah, for all we know you could be exactly what we need right now.

Okay, I'll try.

Good. Chaos, if he's not around you go get him.

Hah, if you say so.

Really, I think you're the only person I can't yell at, Sandman.

I am quite flattered.

I'm serious. You've been keeping tabs on everything that's been going on here lately.

Because I am deeply concerned. Jewel is my apprentice, after all. His well-being is near the top of my list of priorities, and that is quite an extensive list.

Well, it's at the very top of mine, so there you go. And Jo, you're practically my apprentice, so stick around for employment's sake. Just because you're the id reaper doesn't mean you have to live in the shadows all the time.

I know, I know.

Last comment. Leon, I must applaud you for overcoming your paranoia. Good job.

Thanks. It was really difficult, actually, but Josephina has been helping me.

So you'd better thank me, Laurie.

Fine, consider yourself thanked. I sure wouldn't have been able to accomplish that.

Laurie, you haven't yelled at me either.

Well what do you know, you're right. And you need to check in with us more often too. You're linked to Jewel's well-being whether you like it or not. Heck, with the allergic reactions he's been having I was freaking out because I hadn't heard a word from you about a single one!

Because I was very sick.

She was. I'm sorry I didn't check in with you, Laurie, but I had my hands full with caring for her and you were probably doing the same for Jewel.

Eh, point taken.

So, everyone just talk to each other more and Laurie won't have to butcher us?

Exactly. You always did learn fast, Jo.

Ha ha.

Is that it for today?

No, we promised Laurie we were discussing her fangirling today too.

Oh come on, Chaos.

A promise is a promise, and besides, it's about time we bugged you for once.

Fine.

July 8th, too. Remember we were talking to you.

Wait, we're discussing that?

Yes.

Oh come on!

Laurie, why are you so afraid of talking about that with the rest of us here?

Because... it's kind of personal. I'm not used to talking about personal things with anyone but those two.

Like I said, you need to start somewhere.

All right, all right. Geez.

Go on, then.

Give me a place to start.

I've got one. Why do you 'fangirl' over those two so much?

I... they mean a lot to me, okay? Both of them do. But up until... geez, was it February?

January.

Geez, that's earlier than I thought. Anyway, until January of this year, I wasn't aware of just what those two had. Yeah, I knew they were in love, but I didn't know what that meant until I saw it. And, well, I've never seen anything like that before. Ever.

So... you're into romance?

Heck, no. I'm just floored by the fact that something like that can exist between two people. I mean, for the love of sanity, have you seen those two?

Yes.

I do believe it's impossible not to, Laurie.

Fine, so you get what I mean.

But why is only Laurie the fangirl?

I told you, because they both mean the world to me.

I'm still not sure if I get it.

Should we bring up July 8th?

Jewel, seriously.

I think you should. Do you want me to quote what I have?

No, I'll just... I'll explain that. Look, all of us up here have jobs. We all have our own responsibilities in keeping this headspace safe and making sure nothing tries to kill Jewel, as he's the base consciousness. But... it goes beyond that for me. I'm the superego up here. My sole reason for even existing is to fight that bloody id, and to keep her the heck away from Jewel.

How does that apply to our topic though?

Because it narrows down. Jewel is my reason for existing. And by extension of what he means to him, Chaos gets the same amount of loyalty from me. So here's the single person I'd give my life for, and he's in love with this guy who in turn becomes someone I'll protect at any cost. It adds up. I'm their psycho guardian angel, remember? I have to protect that, what they have, and I wouldn't ever dream of shirking that responsibility.

I guess that makes sense, yeah.

Come on, Leon. Do you want a scientific analysis? I can't spell that out any further.

No, I get it! I'm just not in your position, so I can't understand it all the way, I guess.

Fair enough. Now are we done? Can we empty this place out?

I suppose. I don't have anything else to contribute.

Oh, Jewel, I should mention that your little monster is doing very well.

Is he? Thank God. I haven't seen him in a while.

I know. I feel bad for not letting him out of my sight even to let him be with you, but with the hack risks you've been facing lately, I didn't want to put him in danger.

That's okay. As long as he's safe. I remember what happened the last time he was out...

Mm-hmm. But you're entirely welcome to come see him.

Where is he now, by the way? We're all in here talking.

I have some J-Monsters watching over him. That is his timeline, after all.

Who'd you get? The Guardians?

That one with the funny head, that you like.

Who, Nebsy? Seriously?

Does he have white eyes?

Yes, that's him. Dude. I am totally going to visit him later. I've been out of the loop with the Dream World lately, now that you mention it...

Because of everything that's been going on up here. I'm sure they understand, Jewel.

Yeah, but I feel bad about it either way.

Also Delphi.

What about the phone goat?

You've been working with him lately too. And me.

True... I don't know, I just need to get over my guilt about work. I can only work with one timeline at a time, and Parnassus has understandably been at the top of my list lately.

So explain that to... I'm sorry, what's his name? Nebs?

Nebisai. He's awesome. But yeah, I'll let him know, I suppose. Just for the sake of an explanation.

Okay, now we're just talking. Seriously, it's getting late. If no one else has any serious topics, can we please close up?

There's no need to get all agitated over it, Laurie.

I've been very agitated lately. It's nothing.

Well, I'm done talking, and Josephina said he was fine... Leon, do you have any comments?

No, I'm fine.

I am fine too. I will make sure to talk to you more.

Thanks.

Boss?

If you do not need me around, I can depart.

No, we're good. Just want to say thanks again for all your help.

You are quite welcome. Thank you for allowing me to help. And Jewel, child?

Yes?

Please make an effort to get to work on time tonight.

Oh, geez, I'm sorry. Yeah, I'll be there as soon as possible.

Don't worry, I'm not upset with you. Only concerned.

Yeah, with good reason.

Okay. Thanks, boss. I'll see you around.

Laurie, you're sure you're okay?

Yeah, everything's fine. You just keep an eye on everyone until I'm finished here.

I had a feeling you were staying late. Are you really that nervous about talking to the rest of us about certain things?

...Kind of. Not you, specifically. You're okay.

Probably because I know you better than the other three of us do.

That's the thing. I guess I have trust issues.

Why? There's no reason why you shouldn't trust us.

I'm just paranoid. It's... it's a long story, Lynne. I'll fill you in later.

You promise?

Promise. I'm sick of being bottled up all the time.

I would be too, Laurie. I'll leave you four alone then.

Four?

Um, I'm still here.

You did ask him to stick around.

I know, but...

Do you want me to leave?

She probably does, but only because you haven't been around the past few times she's spoken to Chaos and I.

But we were supposed to change that?

Listen, Genesis, we'll start tomorrow. Right now I need to talk alone. It's nothing against you.

Okay, but tell me about it later, please?

...

I'll fill you in in whatever I can, love. So, uh, could you actually go see how Nebisai is doing in the meantime? Fill him in on what we've been talking about here if he's interested. Heaven knows I could use some better solidarity with that man.

All right. You'll talk to me right after you're done here?

If Laurie says I can, yeah.

I'll talk to him.

Really?

Yeah. You and me, actually. I guess. I just... don't want to discuss that all at once, right now.

So it'll be easier for you later, once you know what you want to say.

You got it.

Okay, that's fine with me. Sorry for causing any trouble.

No trouble at all, Genesis.

Hey, I love you. See you in a bit.

Love you too! Bye!

...

Well.

What?

That was strangely diffident of you.

I told you I'm not ready to open up to people yet. It's not easy.

No, it's not that. You're really worked up about it.

Because it's setting all my nerves on edge! You heard me talking to Lynne, I don't know them anywhere near as well as I know you two. I've said that many times before. So yeah, I'm going to get worked up about having to discuss this sort of thing with them on such short notice!

Why is it such a touchy topic, though?

Because I love you two, you know that.

That's nothing to get all agitated over though.

You haven't lived my life, Chaos. I haven't been able to open up to anyone, ever, even you two, because that would pose such a risk to Jewel's safety. Once again, we discussed this.

I know that. It's not what I meant.

Then what the heck are you insinuating?

Nothing. I'm just wondering why you won't even try to be more open with them--

I can't. I just said that.

You said you were going to try, though.

With you. With the both of you, not with them. It's not easy for me to get close to people, okay? Yeah, it would help if I wasn't so bloody secretive and distant with everyone, but it's how I am. The only reason I can be so honest with you two is because I had to get close to you even when I hated you, Jewel, because protecting you was my job whether I liked it or not... and eventually I learned that I had things backwards, and you grew on me, I guess.

So you're choosing not to get close to the other headvoices.

Right now, yeah. They're not around, I'm busy with the both of you, and like I said, I'm not very good at the whole social thing.

You seem fine when business is involved. I mean, look at you and the Sandman. You're getting along pretty darn well.

Because he cares about Jewel almost as much as I do.

Wait, are you saying I'm the deciding factor for your trust here?

Maybe. And what if you were? What would that matter?

Because the other headvoices here do care about him, you know--

But they're so bloody distant, Chaos! Every last one of them either works behind the scenes or as a casual assistant when things get bad. No one gets close, because they don't need to.

Would you have tried to know Jewel better if you hadn't been forced to in the first place?

...I don't know. That's not something I can even comprehend. That was my purpose, CZ.

I'm just trying to get you to understand how it probably works for everyone else. Maybe they don't feel compelled to get as involved as you are. That doesn't mean they don't care.

Maybe if we start communicating more, like Laurie said, that will change. We don't typically work together and that is a problem.

I hope it changes. It would help me to stop being so freaking paranoid.

Paranoid about Julie?

No, about talking to people who don't bloody understand the gravity of what I'm telling them. Why the heck did you think I snapped at Leon? "I guess that makes sense!" Come on, he might be trying but he's not going to comprehend it unless he's felt something like this and he hasn't. It ticks me off.

I don't think it's anger you're feeling the most right now, Laurie.

...How the heck would you know.

We know you pretty well by now, Laurie. Just like you know us.

...

You never did bring up June 8th, I noticed.

Of course I didn't. They wouldn't understand a word of that.

What about last night?

...No, I'm not discussing anything like that with them.

Ever?

Ever.

That's a little... severe, isn't it?

Quite the opposite. Look at it this way. Say I did open up to the other headvoices, told them everything I could. Even then, I still would not discuss that sort of thing with them. Do you know why?

No, why?

Because they have never, and will never, experience the sort of things we three have been through. The old hacks, the graves, the suicide attempts. Staying up too bloody late because everything felt so bloody hopeless but we still couldn't give up on each other. July 8th. That sort of thing. We've suffered through hell together and I don't care how much I talk about it, you cannot understand that unless you have lived it. And we did, God help us, we lived through more of that than we could handle sometimes.

...

Why did you want to stay and talk to us, Laurie? Was it just to explain this?

No, Chaos put me up to this. I stayed because we didn't finish discussing last night, and you know it.

...Oh.

That's exactly why I kept asking you about being more open.

And I repeat, that only applies to you two. I just told you why.

I know that now, yeah.

So... you're really going to be more... I don't know, what word am I looking for?

It's less. I'll be less secretive and less of a bloody enigma all the time.

And a heck of a lot more expressive, I think.

Hey, you shut up.

Geez, Laurie, I have every right to talk!

You were sobbing your eyes out and that was only going to get worse. If I didn't talk to you, Jewel would have sooner or later.

Laurie, you won't even sit next to me in these conversations. Yesterday your personal space just went out the window.

We were all pretty shaken up, Chaos. And the only reason I've kept to myself all these years is because of how scared I've been. I'm getting over that.

Scared of what, though?

Of letting my actions being possibly manipulated by the same shadow that hurt you so badly last night.

...

Seriously, Chaos. Up to this point I have had no reason to feel any less terrified. She was still able to hurt you both, badly, and the thought that she could potentially use me to accomplish that was unbearable. But last night, Jewel somehow threw her methods back in her face and told her off about it. That has never happened before, in any sense.

Because I understand everything now. I know what I'm dealing with, I know what her motives are, and I know what the truth is. I'm not scared and I'm not going to let her get away with anything anymore.

That's what I mean. If you're not scared, why the heck should I be scared? If she can barely even get near you anymore, why should I be worried about her coming after me? Come on, she is scared to death of me and we all know it!

But you were still afraid of her pretending to be you.

And she did try that once, remember? It failed, you knew what she was doing, and I cut her to bloody pieces as soon as I heard.

You were still scared though.

For your sake. I knew how badly that hurt you. I still can't stand the thought of her using me against you.

She can't now, though.

Exactly.

Which is why I was the one staring in absolute shock last night instead of you.

Hey, I don't stare at you two in shock, that's admiration.

Well for me it was shock. Seriously Laurie, wow.

What? So I was more affectionate than usual. Big deal.

It was a big deal. For me, at least.

That's kind of why I did it, kid. I figured you needed it.

Laurie, for the next fifteen minutes I swear he was on cloud nine.

Yeah, and?

Usually I am the only person who can do that to him. So yeah, it was a shock.

I love you both, though. You know that.

Different levels though.

Could've fooled me, with how he acts whenever you're around.

And you're honestly surprised by that?

You're not?

Not at all. I know how Jewel works. I know him almost as well as you do. When he loves someone, regardless of what level they're on, it can get pretty intense.

Yeah, but I think you're underestimating just what level you're on.

Why? Do you know something I don't?

All I know is that if you and I are really at equal standing in Jewel's eyes, then I've definitely been underestimating just what you mean to him.

You are at equal standing. I can't imagine my life without either of you, at all. You both mean the world to me.

I know. You tell me that all the time.

But you've never reacted to her like you did last night, Jewel. That was insane and you know it.

Because she's never done that before! Laurie, you know that, you've never gotten that close to me, ever. And that really meant a lot to me.

Why are we still debating this, though?

I'm trying to figure out just what happened there. Yeah, Laurie, you're being more open around him but I honestly don't know how to judge how he reacted to that, and why you don't seem to be concerned about it.

All right, how did he react to that? Besides being on cloud nine, apparently?

Laurie, he didn't even know how to explain how he felt about that, to me.

Well we are at equal standing, sharkboy. You're freaking out too much about this.

I'm not freaking out. I'm just honestly in shock.

I'm not surprised. Now are you done? Because I'll probably pull that stunt again tonight, and I'll make sure to watch your reaction this time.

It was a red-level connection.

What?

Physical level. You don't ever get close to me or anyone else, Laurie. I'm always close to Chaos, and we've got like violet-level links already.

No kidding.

Really, we're heading to ultraviolet at this point. But that's because we hold nothing back. I love him that much. I would, and will, give him everything I possibly can, because he is just that important to me. I adore him, like you said. No one in the world makes me feel the way he does.

Except maybe Laurie.

That's a different category.

All right, now I am definitely missing something here.

I told you, it's because you've been so closed off all the time. I've known you for five years, and although you mean just as much to me as Chaos does, I've never been able to do anything but talk to you. And of course we weren't even friends at first. We had a pretty rocky start there. But, over the past three years, we've really become inseparable. And since... last November, I guess, you've suddenly started making more progress than I ever could have imagined.

We all have.

Yeah, but in light of your past, it was pretty surprising. Positively so, but still.

...Jewel, do you even know why I hated you in the beginning?

I'm not sure. Remind me.

Because I had a job to do. I had to stop Julie, and I had to protect you as the central consciousness. But in my eyes, you were letting her get away with what she did. You looked like you weren't fighting her at all. And I hated you for it. I berated you constantly, always telling you how much of a failure you supposedly were, because all I could see were your mistakes and shortcomings. I didn't know you. Then... you had the guts to talk to me. You pulled me aside and said you wanted to set the record straight. If I really am such a failure, you said, and if you're so mad at me for it, you'll help me to change. And I began to realize that you were never a failure in the first place. You were a stronger person than I ever would have guessed. I stopped hating you pretty fast.

...

I care about you a heck of a lot. Chaos may be your number one guy, but you're that to me. Honestly. I don't care if we're on different "levels," or however you put it. You're all I have.

See, this is what I mean.

What? I'm not trying to steal your man, CZ.

I know that, geez Laurie.

Hahaha.

Hey, he'd share anyway.

That's what I'm getting at. You know how Jewel is talking about connection colors and all that?

Yeah.

Let me finish talking about that, actually. I was saying how I've never really been close to you, Laurie, not really. We hang around and talk but that's it. And it's only been over the past few months that you've actually started showing that you care about me in ways other than words, which were still always indirect. I mean, you hugged me once back in 2008, when we thought I would lose you, and I couldn't believe it had even happened. Now you're doing that every few days.

I told you, I was sick of keeping to myself.

But just how long have you been bottling everything up?

...A long time.

That probably hurts a lot.

It does. It's... why last year was so hard for me.

Especially the summer?

Yeah.

Don't forget that therapy appointment back in his college freshman year.

I can't forget that, no. That... that was when I first realized you weren't a problem. Everyone told me you were. But then I thought about it, and even though you were still so cruel to me back then, I couldn't possibly lose you.

That was late 2008, too. I guess you both started being more honest with each other around then.

Well, yeah. It's when we realized exactly what was going on.

But Laurie still kept quiet.

Can we not discuss that again? I told you why that was.

You're missing the point, Laur. You cared about Jewel, and he cared about you, but there was always a huge disconnect between you both. It's why it took me so long to accept that you weren't a negative force in his life, too. But... geez, I've known him for eight years, and I've always been completely open with him. You've only been outwardly nice to him for about three years, you've been almost entirely closed off to him, and yet we are STILL the two most important people in his life. We mean exactly the same amount to him. How the heck did you manage that?

...I... I don't know.

And I was in complete shock last night because, like Jewel said, that was practically the first time you actually held him for more than two seconds. I could actually tell that he meant something to you instead of going by hearsay. And then, to top it all off, Jewel was so affected by it that he could barely talk for the next ten minutes! Do you see why I'm having a hard time dealing with this? If you and I really are at the same level, and I mean as much as I do to him, just how does that translate over to how he feels about you?

...

I think you know. I don't, but I think you do. And I think that's the real reason why you won't talk about this with anyone but us.

Well it is. They don't know what this is like.

But you love him back.

I do.

And he loves you. He loves you a lot, Laurie.

I know.

Do you really?

...

Did you see how he looked at you when you left?

...No.

Well, make sure you check next time.

...Are you implying that Jewel is in love with me?

I don't know.

Platonically.

Kid, I don't know what your definition of platonic is in this situation.

It means without all the late-night stuff I have with Chaos.

Only that?

Only that. Otherwise it's exactly the same. I told you.

...

Laurie?

...I didn't think it was exact. Not like that.

I guess it is.

Just... holy swords. I just thought... I thought it was only in terms of significance, not in how you actually felt.

It is, but yeah, I suppose I should have clarified the other half of it.

You should have, I wouldn't have been so astounded yesterday.

...I don't know how to reciprocate this.

You don't have to. I'm used to that. It doesn't change anything.

No, kid, it's not unrequited, I'm just...

I told you this ran deeper than you realized, Laurie.

...I've been so blind.

Why?

For heaven's sake, Jewel, I tried to kill myself right in front of you last year! I had a psychotic meltdown in Utah and nearly traumatized you! I only had the spine to lighten up after I put you through hell, and God, you didn't even hold it against me. You've never held anything against me, and I hated you. I hated you, and somehow you still managed to love me? I... kid, I can't take this. I can't believe I never saw it.

...

We can talk about this some other time if you want. I don't want to put you through--

No, no, it's fine. It's fine.

You don't look fine, Laurie.

Of course I don't look fine, I think my bleeding heart just broke.

...

I am so sorry. I am so, so sorry for everything I've done to you.

Laurie, it's okay. You did what you had to do.

I could have found a better way to do it! I didn't have to butcher you every single time you let yourself get hurt! I never thought of how that affected you. I was so bloody stupid.

You weren't stupid. You were desperate. Things were different back then.

Last summer doesn't count. I didn't hate you last summer. But I still hurt you. Badly. I don't know if I can forgive myself for that now.

I forgive you.

...I know. I know, Jewel.

Laurie, um, can I ask you something?

What?

Does... does this tie into the 'fangirling?' Any of this?

...Yeah. Yeah, it does.

Why?

Because.

Laurie, come on.

...Do you remember what I said earlier? How I didn't think something like what you two have could exist? I could barely comprehend it. I had never seen anything like that in my life. I wanted to protect that, to protect the both of you, and I was... I was just so amazed by it.

But on July 8th, you told us that you didn't think you had the right to be our protector. Why?

Because I didn't feel I deserved it! Look at you two, and look at me! My life is a mess! I've screwed up my only reason for living and I've been too much of a spineless coward to tell people when I care about them. I would cut you to ribbons and scream at you for hours instead of actually helping you. And yet, I was the person charged with keeping you both safe.

You didn't screw up, Laurie. And you did help me.

...

I couldn't have asked for a better superego, or protector, or friend. Even with the times you think you screwed up. You've helped me so much... I would not be where I am today if I didn't have you. So yes, you do deserve such a prestigious position, because you are just that important to me, and because you are a much better person than you think you are.

...Jewel, I'm still having a hard time accepting the fact that you care about me that much.

I don't just care about you, Laurie. I love you. I really do.

...I'm sorry, I am honestly going to have to close this up.

Why?

I can't deal with this, Chaos.

Laurie, what's making it so hard to deal with? You've known how much you mean to Jewel for a long time, haven't you?

I thought I knew! But he just proved me wrong. I always assumed I was just someone he cared about from a distance. I was important to him because heck, I was trying to help him and I guess I wasn't a total screwup there. That was it. Not once in my life did I ever consider that, when he said you and I meant the same to him, he meant that literally. I thought... I just thought it was in terms of significance. I helped him, I was important as a result. But it was my job. It was something I was meant to do. I never gave it much thought beyond that.

I find that hard to believe.

It's true. I wouldn't change my purpose for anything. And Jewel means more to me than anyone in the world. But... I was so closed off, from everything, that I couldn't see the big picture. I knew he cared, and I knew I was important to him, but... to think that I had the same thing I saw on January 16th, this whole time. The same bloody thing. And I couldn't see it because I wouldn't let myself see it. At the end of the day, I was just doing my job. But my job was my life. I... I don't know what I'm trying to say.

It's okay, Laurie. I get it.

Can we please close this up?

Seriously?

Either that or I'm leaving.

I thought you wanted to find your metainomen too.

What, does this count as dying?

To your old mindset, sure.

...

I don't want you hurting from this, Laur.

I'm only hurting because I was so blind before.

To what, me?

Yeah. And to me, I guess.

Because of the blinding thing?

Mostly. Maybe entirely. I just can't... I can't balance how you actually feel about me with how I treated you in the past. It doesn't add up.

Why not?

Jewel, I was brutal.

But I knew you still cared about me.

I did a lousy job of showing it.

Laurie, listen. I don't mind your yelling, or how angry you get, or even how you used to use your axe a little more than most people would like. You were brutal, sure, but you were brutally honest too, and it was only because of your unflinching determination to change me from who I was that helped me actually become my real self.

You're serious?

Of course I'm serious! I wouldn't lie to you!

You used to.

I... well, I am no longer that person. Once again, that is very much thanks to you. So no, I will not lie to you. You have always been exactly what I needed in my life, your darkest days included. So don't you dare hold that against yourself. You're not a failure, and you never were.

...

Don't you dare change for me. Ever. Stay who you are, because your constancy has been one of my biggest inspirations.

You don't know who I am, Jewel. No one does.

Then tell me. Stop hiding. I know you're not wearing a mask like I used to, and you never have, but if there really is that much under the surface, then stop holding it back. Neither of us have to be afraid anymore, okay?

I know.

Remember what you've always told me, Laurie. Don't dwell on the past, but learn from it. Don't let yourself be blinded by regrets, because what's done is done and everything eventually works out for the best. And don't panic about the future because it's not here yet, and hey, time isn't linear anyway.

Heh, no, I guess not.

But seriously. The past is over with, and it was painful, but you helped me survive it. I hope I helped you survive it too. And I don't want you to hate yourself for your past actions. Everything worked out. I wouldn't change a single thing. All right?

All right.

So are you feeling any better about this? I don't want you to be so torn up, honestly.

I still don't know how I never understood just how important I really was to you.

You never slacked off on your job, did you? You never let me slack off either. You knew how important your role was in my life, even if you only viewed that as because, without you, I'd probably screw up big time. Which is true.

But I didn't see past that. Even with how many times you told me that you cared. I guess I never thought I deserved it.

Well you do. So please accept that. I'm not going to stop caring about you, ever.

I know that. I wouldn't doubt it for a second.

So I'll ask you again, Laurie. Are you okay?

Kid, of course I'm okay, I'm just completely... overwhelmed, I guess.

I understand.

So what are you, Laurie, the Knight of Truth?

I don't know, Prophet of Life. I guess we'll find out.

I'm sorry if I'm dragging this out too long. I just don't want you to be upset or not accepting of this.

No, I accept it. I do. I just... don't know how to reciprocate, like I said.

What do you mean?

Yeah, you're doing just fine in my opinion.

Maybe she's trying too hard.

Maybe you are! It's difficult to get over being so closed up for so long, I know, but you really are doing just fine.

If you insist.

I do insist. And thank you, by the way. For everything.

Heh, I don't need to be thanked, Jewel.

Maybe not, but you deserve to be thanked nonetheless.

Works for me.

Tomorrow is going to be insane.

Why?

Because now I have no choice but to stop being so closed off from you two.

You're off to a good start, I'll say that much.

Good to know.

Uh, Laurie?

Yeah?

What do we tell Genesis?

Oh heck, I forgot he wanted to know about this... you know what, I'll fill him in myself. It'll be fun. You two get some sleep.

We'd better close up now, then. It's almost midnight.

Totally worth it, though.

You said it.

One question.

What?

How the heck are we supposed to close this up?

Uh, I have no idea.

Well, we're completely open for the next session now. There are no topics to catch up on. Whatever happens next will be a complete surprise. Which is pretty cool.

That is. And life has been going incredibly well lately.

It has! Oh, about that. Guess who I found on Facebook today, after how many years?

Who?

Billy.

No flipping WAY.

Yes way. So I'm hopefully going to talk to him tomorrow about what in the world he's been up to since, geez, around 2003.

That's awesome.

I know. Just figured I'd make this session a little brighter than it already is.

Man, we're going to need sunglasses to read this thing by the time we're finished.

That reminds me of a certain Sonic Chat session from five years ago...

Was that the one with you two making out by the fireplace?

And the champagne, and the police, and the terrible puns, and Mardi Gras. Yes, that's the one.

That was hilarious.

I know, I miss those things.

We do need to close up, though. Otherwise we're going to keep ranting about random things until Jewel passes out at his keyboard.

Yeah, I'd like to avoid that happening.

All right, then we're done. You two, keep doing what you're doing. I'll talk to your boss and explain why you're going to be so ludicrously late.

Oh geez, I forgot...

Don't worry about it. The guy is surprisingly understanding.

All right. Oh, and Laurie?

Yeah?

Thank you. I know I keep saying it, but seriously, thank you.

Same here. Thanks, Laur.

Geez, I feel like a national hero all of a sudden.

Well you should. You're irreplaceable and that's the absolute truth.

Look who's talking, guys.

Nice comeback.

Thanks.

Aha, Laurie is the master at this.

I am.

But really, I'm closing this up now. Chaos, Laurie, I love you both.

We love you too, Jewel.

Emphasis on "we," kiddo. We're seriously all in this together now.

We kind of always were, actually.

Nah, I was the odd one out. But a metainomen is a metainomen. I plan on putting mine to good use.

I told you tomorrow is going to be insane.

Not if we don't close this up.

Fine. I swear, I'm always the one stuck doing the hard work around here.

We love you for it though.

Believe me, I wouldn't have it any other way.

SESSION PARTICIPANTS

LAURIE UBERICH

JEWEL LIGHTRAYE

LYNNE STABELLE

JOSEPHINA BELLAMEIRE

LEON KIASI

GENESIS APOLYMIS

CHAOS ZERO

SPINE HYPOMONE

All right, it's talking time.

Are we really getting everybody in here? I can't stay up later than 10PM anymore...

Yeah, I know, and I don't want to keep you up later than that either, especially with how badly Spine seems to be taking that exhaustion too.

That's true...

So let's get moving. Jo? Lynne? Leon?

Right here.

Heyo!

So we are talking?

We sure are, this need to be discussed. Where the heck are our humanoids?

Would that include me?

Yes, that includes you. Hey Laurie.

I was not aware we were speaking at this time.

Well we are, and hey to you too, Chaos. Now let's get down to business. Jewel?

What?

Give us the prompt, boy. What's first on the list?

Uh, there's really only that one big point, but I want to mention a few things before we get started, especially in light of my opening statement.

That you can't be up late anymore?

Yeah. I think that trip to the psych ward hurt me more than I realized. I've been having nightmares about it every night since I left, and I've been hacked in about three of them, which is terrifying. But if I stay up past 10PM, I go into a sort of panic attack state and that's horrific to deal with.

It's not as bad as the attacks the meds gave you, is it?

No, thank God. Those scared the life out of me. But it's bad enough for me to be running to bed at 9PM now. That's not a bad thing in and of itself, but the motivation is.

So basically you're still suffering the aftereffects of your hospital visits.

Yeah.

I did not like the pills at all.

Really, no one liked the pills.

No they did not, but I was directly affected.

That's the other thing I wanted to mention. I made the mistake of eating something with too much sugar in it this morning, and Spine immediately went into a sort of allergic reaction. It seriously scared me.

Spine is that sensitive?

It's not just the sensitivity, Leon. She's tied into my physical form as a headvoice, which is unique. But when I get hurt or sick, she feels that directly.

Yo Spine, about that. Did you feel any of the graves?

No. Not in the way you felt them cut. I felt awareness, you felt the... what is the word.

Purpose?

Yes. Un-physical.

That makes sense.

You're not sick now, are you Spine?

No, I am well. I only ache.

And that's because of the bloody time, so let's get talking. Main subject has to do with, once again, the homily at mass this weekend.

"Love your enemies."

Yeah. And that brought up a hell of a lot of questions, because hey, who's Jewel's enemy?

Julie?

Yeah. And she's it. That's the problem here.

You're not saying we have to--??

I'm not saying anything. All I'm saying is that Jewel is seriously bothered by the fact that he literally despises Julie, and hate doesn't work with his system, at all, ever.

I'm more worried about you in that respect.

And vice versa.

But hate is bad, you're right. It's poison.

So what are we trying to do? I'm a little lost here.

Jewel's getting all paranoid because, so far, he's been unable to separate the entirely platonic, generalized sort of 'love' from the kind that he feels on a daily basis. Chaos, you know very well what I mean.

I found something today that helped me clear that up though.

Really now? Lack of coincidences, I suppose. What is it?

Well, I was actually trying to clean up my stamp wall on dA, as I haven't used it in about a year... and I came across this stamp that said "You can't control who you fall in love with." And that's completely true, but then the poster elaborated on that, and I had never really looked at it in that way before.

What did they say about it?

Let me quote them, actually: "You can control who you love. You can choose to love someone or even something, if you want. You can choose to love your mother and hate your father... or vice versa. Or love both or hate both. You can choose to love someone as a boyfriend or a girlfriend. You can choose to love someone as a best friend, as a sibling (even if they aren't) or not.
You CAN'T choose who you fall in love with. You can't help if your feelings become so strong for someone that you find yourself longing for them with your very heart, body and soul. You can't help it if you happen to be the same gender as them, a different race or religious follower or even if it happens online. It just HAPPENS."

I told you there was a difference, kid. You're just too bloody fragile.

So when I heard that homily, I freaked out, because in saying "love your enemies" I immediately thought that meant I had to be IN love with them. And I don't know why I always assume that, but I did.

You don't do that typically, though, as far as I can tell. You love me, and my fellow headvoices, but you're not in love with us. Chaos and Genesis are a different story.

I know, but... I guess the two aspects are just way too connected for me.

Not really.

Yeah, there is definitely a separation there.

So stop freaking out over it. The issue at hand is that you want to erase all traces of hate, loathing, and the like from your head and heart, and although you're doing a solid good job of keeping them out in the first place, that blonde bully seems to be keeping some of that around whether we like it or not.

But it's justified, isn't it?

The anger is, yeah. I'd be angry if he wasn't mad at her for it. The problem is that Jewel feels he might actually hate her for it, and that is scaring the life out of him.

Plus she's connected to my mother.

Is she now?

Really?

Yeah. I thought about that all weekend, because the only two people in my life that I've ever felt real animosity towards at some point-- EVER-- are Julie and my mother. And the only reason I react badly to my mother, at all, is because she reminds me so much of Julie.

I'm interested. How?

Her... mannerisms. She's sappily romantic, and hypocritical in doing so. She's obsessed with living like a princess and, judging from how she deals with my asexuality, she's pretty into sex as well. She also acts like a flippant teenager, even now, although I don't like saying so. She's loud and catty and she focuses far too much on material things... I don't like thinking about it. And she adores chocolate.

Chocolate is very bad.

That's a lot of Julie in there, whoa.

Exactly. So I think the reason I've been so downright terrified of her is because she acts so much like Julie. Seriously, sometimes it scares me to death.

So you think your negativity towards Julie is being... partially rerouted to her?

Definitely.

You don't hate your mother though, do you?

No.

And there's our problem. Jewel, I think you're getting things confused, as usual. You don't approve of how your mother lives, and you don't like being around her, sure... but you're not wishing harm on her, are you?

No, I don't wish harm on anyone. I'm not like that.

But you take offense to how she acts, and she's a huge negative influence in your life.

Yeah.

There you go. You don't hate her, you just can't deal with her. Simple as that.

But that doesn't mean I hate her?

Heck no, kid! You need to stop generalizing vices onto yourself. Disconnecting yourself from something that's harming you doesn't mean that you want that thing to die, hell no. I know your grandmother does that, but hey, you're not too happy with being around her either.

I'm just so afraid that disliking things will eventually lead to hate.

Then stop being so bloody afraid. It can turn to hate if you're not careful, but you've never been the sort of person to hate anything, even I know that. All this fear will only blind you to the real situation.

But Julie...?

Julie's the problem, yeah. As weird as it sounds, you've gotta stop being so hostile about her. That's only making things worse in the long run.

Does that go for all of us?

You know what? Yeah, it does. Even me. Jewel, I know you're more worried about me than you are about yourself here, and I appreciate that. But you're the main concern no matter what. So you've got to fix yourself first.

I don't know what to do though. See, with 'loving your enemies,' I always seem to get things mixed up. In physical reality I can do that no problem, because I know we're all human and we all have the opportunity to choose between good and evil and some people just take the dark road. But... I always have this innocent idea that, if I love people, they will become more loving people in return. And now I realize that isn't going to happen. I've been doing that all my life with my family, and nothing has changed. That... that really hurts.

You still love them though, right?

Well yeah, of course. But how I used to... it feels wrong, almost. The platonic love was given for the right motives but it seems selfish, simply because I was the one giving it.

You need to get over the 'selfish' thing.

I do. Still, now I've realized that they're not only refusing to act better, but they're also refusing the love I give, and I don't know what to do. I need to leave them but I still care so I'm putting myself in danger by staying, and maybe that's what I'm doing with Julie after all. I want her to change for the better but she doesn't want to, so I'm letting her kill me in the process.

And that needs to stop.

Yeah, but... see, if something bad happened to Julie, I don't know if I would mind, and that's scary. I mean we're all constantly thinking of ways to 'kill her off' because she's such a destructive force up here. But... if I love people because they're human, and have good potential, what do I do now? Julie isn't human, and since she's an id/shadow, she thrives on the sort of things that destroy me. She wants self-gratification, and she'll go to any means to get it. The problem is that she can only get it through corrupting me. So I do want her gone, for good, if she won't change. And I don't know if I can really... well, when I hear 'love your enemies,' I get confused, because if someone's my 'enemy' it's only because they are acting in an incredibly vicious manner, and I'm afraid that if I 'love' them then that means loving that vicious aspect of them. And I don't. But I don't want to hate them.

Hm.

That's why you're having family trouble now too, I would assume.

Yeah.

So what's up with Perfect Chaos, then?

Laurie, don't bring that up, please.

I'm bringing it up because that's important. Jewel used to despise that part of you for the very reasons he just mentioned. He didn't like that it was triggered by negativity and hatred and anger. However, about two years ago, he came to terms with the fact that Perfect was still you albeit in a very corrupted state.

But Chaos doesn't want to go Perfect when he does.

And you don't want Julie to hack you either, but it happens.

...

That's not the same thing, Laurie. At all.

No, but the bottom line is neither of you change who you truly are even in that corrupted state. You're simply overwhelmed by darker aspects that you don't want in you, but that are so powerful that you let yourselves be run by them temporarily. And why is that? Jewel is always afraid that he's in the wrong, but Chaos...

I just... I just lose control.

And then you regret it, and it eats you alive on the inside, and Jewel knows exactly what that feels like. Except he doesn't lose control, he gives in. Which is too bloody similar anyway.

So what are you saying?

I'm saying that Jewel can still love Perfect Chaos because he recognizes that its not who Chaos really is. That negativity is temporary, and really, Chaos usually is driven to that against his will. However, although we have a similar situation here, Julie is NOT who Jewel is, and that's why we have a problem. Jewel can't see any positive base to her, at all, and so he's terrified that showing any sort of love to her, even in the smallest sense, will mean that he loves that negativity alone. So I really don't know what the heck to do.

Are we still hoping for her death then or not?

I don't know if that's possible... she's a shadow, and I don't know if those die. Even if we cut off all her outlets, I can't cut off the world, and so much triggers me now it's debilitating. So she'd still be hacking my dreams and awful things like that unless she was dead. But wishing death on anyone, even her, feels wrong.

Can we change her?

You can't change people, Genesis. That's a fact of life that J still can't seem to accept.

Well, maybe you can't change them directly, but you can influence them, can't you?

But it's still ultimately their decision whether they want to change or not.

Hm. That is tough then.

And Julie was formed entirely from negativity, so I don't know if she even has potential to want to do right.

Didn't she say she would change in the past, though? After Lynne was integrated?

Wait, what's this? Julie spoke to you after that?

Yeah, Jewel spoke to us both as we were the only two left. It was basically 'stop hurting me and help me deal, or I'll have to get rid of you.' Of course I accepted, I didn't want to hurt the kid anyway... but Julie said that she'd try to behave too, which is very out of character for her.

She's done that before in the past too. That was... May 12th, 2008. In my Scribbld. Let me quote that too. "Julie is my first and oldest headvoice... my shadow... the personification of my "id". She's the darkest part of me, even if she hides it at times... but she's also me, in a sense, and so she's not entirely bad. Take right now, for instance. I have been going through a severely severe guilt trip for YEARS thanks to what she personifies, and it's hit a fever pitch recently now that I've turned 18 and can literally discard my entire past up to this point and start over... As a result, she is now looking how I feel about her. Nowhere to lie... You can see the regret and guilt in her eyes, too, which is a surefire sign that my life is turning around...
Oh yeah and Laurie too. She's my psycho superego, and although I love her dearly, she's very upset right now and happens to be pacing back in forth across the room in front of Julie. She's not lecturing, she's just mumbling here and there, and is obviously quite irked. Undoubtedly. She's angry at Julie and I for giving in to darkness when we were younger, but she can't hate us because we've flipped a 180 since then, and now she's just furious at the past and is trying her freaking best to not only burn that guilt and those lessons into our heads a little more but also to keep us from straying off this road of life ever again."

And she had been lying both times.

Seriously?

Yeah, seriously. She had me fooled too. She pulls that old ruse on us, "oh, I'll be good! I'll stop hurting you!" simply because she's an instinctual demon and she doesn't want to die. The regret was because she had been cornered. The guilt was because she had been caught. She had no intention of changing anything, even if you believed it. So she'd lay off it for a few weeks, sure... but tell me, Jewel, how soon after her little 'metanoias' did she turn tail and start violating you again?

...

You just can't seem to see through her lies, kid, and I don't know why that is.

So the "she can't hate us because we've flipped a 180 since then" part doesn't apply?

If it did, we wouldn't be having this conversation. I don't hate Jewel, but Julie didn't turn any part of her life around. She lied to our faces.

That one part really intrigues me, though.

Which part?

"She's the darkest part of me, even if she hides it at times... but she's also me, in a sense, and so she's not entirely bad." Is that true?

The first part is, technically. All us headvoices are a part of Jewel whether he accepts that or not, simply because we were formed from aspects of him in the past.

That's why people kept telling me to re-integrate you. They thought you WERE those parts of me and that with you personified, I was missing huge parts of myself. That's why Lynne wanted to go back. She thought she was my sense of stability, which was wrong. Laurie got it right a few entries back, actually: "Lynne's not a general maturity personification. She was born from your old expectations of what you thought you needed to be when you grew older." Of course I didn't know that in 2008, as I was still lying to myself, but we've fixed that.

Is that why they were able to come back? Because you realized they didn't need to be integrated?

It was more of my becoming more stable and finally being honest with myself. Lynne and Natalie didn't come back until December of 2008, which was about 8 months later... holy heck, Leon, isn't that the exact amount of time you had too?

April to December? Y-yeah, it was.

That's weird. Huh.

When did Natalie... when did she die for the last time?

I... July? August, 2009? I don't know... Julie killed her in early '09, and that just destroyed her. She had to form-reset and then she just couldn't stabilize. She just... I'm sorry. I'm still so torn up over that.

We all are.

I wish I had met her. She sounds like she was really nice.

Well, we're all hoping that once Jewel transitions, we'll have a stable enough environment for her to be reborn, even if she comes back as a Nathaniel or something.

I just want her back.

I know.

...

And that's why we don't like Julie.

But is she entirely bad? Like that old entry says, does she really have positive potential solely because she was born from some aspect of Jewel?

Julie wasn't born, she was a forced creation.

Was she really?

I think so. I purposely formed her as a sort of mental... well, as a sort of waste-lock for the negative things around me as a kid. There was one girl in my class who just hurt me with her attitude, and that girl was a fan of a cartoon that I despised for its crude humor, and as I had to put up with them both constantly, I kind of mentally fused them both into a mental 'copy' of that girl so I could yell at her in my head instead of in real life, and tell her how I disapproved of how she was acting. And... well, over the years everything just got shoved into Julie, and then one day I shoved something too dark into her and she turned vicious.

That is interesting. I never knew that.

So yeah, I'm at fault for my biggest problem. I gave my id, my shadow, a mental body to work through, and now look at me.

Didn't she claim your body as her own at some point?

Yeah, she still does. Since I don't identify with a physical form and she does-- as it's the only way she can get what she wants anyway-- she decided that she was going to commandeer mine. I know that happened around 5th, 6th grade, slowly at first. But ever since then she's been trying harder and harder to get out of my head through forcing me to become her. And I don't want that to happen.

It's like I said; you can't change people, and people can't change you. Don't let her screw with you.

I try, Laurie. All of you know that. But it's tough in this society, where so many things run on 'instant gratitude' and 'do it because it feels good!' which is exactly what she wants. So she gets power from that and every time I see any of it, she freaking ambushes me, and that's hard to fight off sometimes.

You know what, I told you this last night and it deserves to be repeated-- Julie's a bloody weakling.

What? Really?

She is. She's a coward and a spineless snake. Sure, she'll stop at nothing to get what she wants, but if she really was as strong as you say she is, would we have been able to kick her ass so many times? Heck no! We are infinitely stronger than her and you know it. I mean, come on, she can only hack you if she weakens you first! Our problem is that you still feel you're in the wrong here. You need to become indomitable, Jewel.

But what if--

Don't you even go there. You are NOT wrong. We have been over this topic countless times. Get some bloody self-confidence, boy. Chaos, tell him.

She's right, Jewel. You can't let yourself be manipulated anymore.

See, there you go. Don't make me do this again.

Laurie, I-- listen, I know I'm right. I know Julie is doing things I would never approve of under any circumstances, but... but the freaking overrides, I don't know what to do about them. I get total comprehension loss, and now it's not even with overloading or triggers. It just happens, and it's horrific.

Then vigilance is all we've got. Don't lose it. Now let's get back to the main subject as it's getting really late. Spine, how are you holding up?

I am doing okay. I am simply listening as I have little to contribute.

Hey, then listen and learn. Now, Chaos, as you were asking-- no, apparently Julie is not a traditional headvoice in that she was formed willingly ages before any of us were born, and no, unfortunately she doesn't seem to have any sort of positive potential.

Doesn't she play by our rules though?

She doesn't play by any bloody rules, that's the problem.

But she's still in Jewel's head.

That doesn't change a thing, Gen. I wish it did, but it doesn't.

So we can't do anything to enlighten her then.

Yeah, hey, have we tried that? I mean, it's why I'm not bad.

We've confronted her before, several times. She doesn't seem to care.

She killed Natalie in cold blood because she was keeping her from assaulting me.

...Is that why that happened?

Natalie was born from my reflection. She was purely positive. She kept me from self-abusing. Julie hacks me through brutal self-abuse. Natalie was in her way.

...

I think I would like Natalie to return.

I told you, we all do, and I'm deadset on getting her back once Jewel is stabilized.

Yeah, we're not exactly on good terms with reflections right now.

How was she born from your reflection? What did she represent?

Optimism and youth, I think. But she couldn't talk until the day she was re-integrated, which I still think signifies something big.

You weren't fully synchronized with her. A reflection is a reflection, and you were disconnected from yours, which is why she was born. But the fact that you still didn't accept that you were a physical being at that age meant that Natalie stayed silent. You were missing a huge part of the puzzle. You weren't you, and until you are, she won't be able to stay alive.

Will Jewel's eventual identifying with his reflection affect her, then?

Maybe. Hell, I have no idea. Maybe she won't be born from a reflection this time. I really don't know.

She was only born from it because there was a spark to form her there. I expected a person to be there in the mirror that wasn't me, so she was born.

But then she died and came back as a child. Did that reboot her significance?

Maybe. I'll have to look into that.

Whatever happened to Vincent?

He died too.

Who was he? Another headvoice?

No, he was Natalie's dog. He formed spontaneously when she was reborn the first time, but none of us really knew why. Maybe he was just a fragment of her that separated upon the reset, I don't know.

Huh.

Guys, seriously, as much as we all miss Nat, we need to deal with the reason she's dead in the first place.

I told you, Laurie, I don't know what to do. I can't hate Julie because hate is unnatural for me, but I'm afraid to love her because in doing that I feel I'll be accepting her negativity and I'm afraid that will kill me.

It is a predicament.

You said it. Leon, what do you think? You're the gambling guy anyway.

Don't ask me, I don't know.

You're just as bloody terrified of Julie as Jewel is.

Well of course I am! I've seen what she can do and I've heard worse! You remember the first time I had to cathedral-warp us out of here when she showed up? I was scared to death!

But do you hate her?

Maybe I do. Probably. All I know is that she terrifies me, and I don't care if she dies. I don't ever want to see her again.

So Jewel is the only one here who can't tell what he feels about this. Figures.

What do you say I do, Laurie?

I say you do whatever will keep you safe.

I don't know what that would be.

This 'love,' what kind is it?

The general kind. Basically it would involve not-- hey, wait a second! Jewel, we may be on the right track after all.

How so?

Spine pulled my own trick on me, heh. Don't know how I didn't realize it on my own. Really, the kind of 'love' were going for here is simply the sort that means to forgive, to not seek revenge, to not fight darkness with darkness. Aren't you doing that?

...Everything except total forgiveness. It's tough because she... you know what she does to me.

And yet you keep letting her do that, no matter how many times I tell you to fight her. Why?

...

Because you feel she might be right in some way. You keep giving her second chances to redeem herself, even if she does nothing but ravage the hell out of you every time. That may be a sick sort of forgiveness, but it sounds like forgiveness to me. Otherwise you wouldn't be allowing this.

...Is it really?

Geez, kid, you're the only one who can answer that. But the problem is this: even if you are forgiving her, you're letting her get away with some seriously vicious crimes. That's not right in any respect. Stop giving her second chances already, because she's not going to change.

So...

So fight her, but don't do it out of rage or revenge. Do it because she's actively seeking to corrupt and kill you, and by all means you should refuse to stand for that. You wouldn't dare let her do that to anyone else, so why let her do that to you? That doesn't change the morality of the situation, you know.

Yeah, if you want justice, you kind of have to stand up for it in your own case too.

True.

All right, I'll... I'll work on that. I swear I will.

I'll help. Spine you help me too, okay?

I will do so.

I think Laurie needs help too, you know.

Heh, no kidding. You and J really are on the same page.

What do you need help with?

This same exact thing. I hate Julie. I seriously do. But I can't tell you how many times Jewel has confronted me about that, seriously sobbing over it, that he's terrified he's going to lose me to that hate. Really, I don't want that happening. Vice is vice, and I'm spitting poison over here. Same goes for you, Jo, and Leon. Lynne and Spine I have no bloody clue, but all of us really need to cut back on the hate up here.

But--

But she's a witch, I know. And the anger against her actions is justified, yes. But the hate isn't. That's just making things a heck of a lot worse.

How? She hates us! She could care less what happens to us!

And if we hate her, then we're no better than she is in that respect.

...

It's going to be the hardest for me, being a superego and all, but if it needs to be done for Jewel's sake then so be it. I'm a brutal sonofagun but I'm no shadow. I can change for the better, and so help me but I will.

You've changed a lot since I've met you.

And I still have a long way to go, kid. We all do.

I love you, Laurie, I really do.

I know. That's what keeps me going. And don't you dare fall apart on me, not now.

...

So that's going to be our goal for right now, all of us. Jewel and I are going to be reading up on this topic like mad until our next talk, but in the meantime there needs to be a definite decrease in the emotional negativity levels up here.

I'll do everything I can, Laurie.

Mmh...

Jo?

...I dunno. If you really think we should stop hating that id, then--

Yeah, I do. Listen, Josephina. You HAVE an id role. You're just a positive one. You deal with realization, don't you?

Yeah..

Then realize just how bloody dangerous it is to be throwing hatred around in any case. I've done it, we've all done it, but we were wrong, Jo. We've gotta admit when we make mistakes or we won't get anywhere. You like motives so much? What's the motive for all this hate?

She's destroying us! She's trying to kill us!

And what does the hatred do to help change that?

I...

Absolutely nothing, right? It only makes us a danger to ourselves. We don't need any of that bloody darkness. If you're so offended by Julie, like we all are, then for heaven's sake don't turn into her.

...Okay.

That's the big thing here. We're not being honest enough with ourselves. We're telling ourselves that this hate is justified when it's not. Justice is one thing, revenge is another. Righteous anger is only righteous as long as it doesn't cause more vice. You all know how close Wrath came to being personified a few years ago. I don't ever want her coming back. One vice is enough. None of us should become the second.

What about Bridget and Missy? Did they die off again?

They were both born from Julie's influence, remember? That's why they could never do much, they were only extensions.

Really?

Yeah. It's why their lifespans are so short, too. They're not real headvoices, they're just fragments of Julie. And they only show up when she's strong enough to fragment them off. If we keep up the positive fight over here then they'll never come back.

I hope not.

Same here.

Spine, take the other three and start closing up for the night. It's ten to ten and I want to close this up with the three boys here.

Have we discussed everything of importance?

Yeah, for now. Like I said, we'll be following up on this in a few days, and if I know anything about the environment up here, it's that stuff happens fast. So everyone work together on this, all right?

All right. I'm really proud of you, Laurie.

Proud of me? Why?

I remember what you were like in 2007 too. When I first met you in the back of that church... hah, I thought you were the bad guy in the situation! And now look at you.

Heh, what can I say? I've learned a lot.

I'm glad you have.

...

Hey Jo, you okay?

...Yeah. Just thinking a lot is all.

Thinking is good. If you've got any questions then just come to me and I'll help you out, aiite?

I know. Thanks.

Do you think that if we stop being so... negative... Julie will leave us alone?

Hell if I know. Even if she gets worse, we'll at least be able to handle her better.

...

You know, I think our next discussion is going to deal with stabilizing you. Now I'll see you all tomorrow, so don't slack off in the meantime.

I will make sure we do not. Good night.

All right, cool. You three still here, right?

Well, yeah. I don't have anywhere else I'd rather be.

I'm with you there. Gen, how are you holding up?

Good. I'm really hoping we can get this fixed up soon.

Same here. Well, Jewel, I hope you're happy with how this talk turned out, because it's really freakin' late and we don't have time to start another one.

No, I'm really... it really helped. I just agree with you that a lot of research needs to be done in the meantime.

But you're not panicking over this like you were before?

No. I guess I'm a little... sad, because I really should have dealt with this a long time ago.

Eh, there's a time for everything. And you know what your therapist said-- stop throwing the 'shoulds' around. If it didn't happen, it didn't happen. Now you need to work on improving the present.

Laurie, I'll say it again-- it is almost frightening how much you've mellowed out in the past two years.

Hell, I don't care if I become the scariest headvoice ever to exist, I'm liking this. Life was difficult back when I was an axe-swinging madman, you know.

You weren't very happy, no.

I wasn't anywhere near happy at all, kid. That's why I am infinitely thankful to you for starting this journal, because it has helped me more than you'll ever know.

Hey, about that...

Haha, yeah, I know. Like I said, once I'm sure we're stable enough, I'll start opening up. Until then I'm a deadlocked safe. Nothing gets out.

But you're keeping good things from getting in, too.

Yeah, and that's what's getting to me. I mean, yeah, I'm far more open now than I've ever been, but I'm still an absolute enigma to everybody. And it gets kinda depressing.

But one day that will change, right?

Kid, I hope to God it changes tomorrow. But we can't expect everything to improve all at once. We need to work on this piece by piece, as hard as that is sometimes.

It's worth it though.

It is.

I am so glad I have you guys..

Now this is the kind of love you really need, see.

That's why I was so bothered! I'm all too willing to give this to anyone and I can get in serious danger that way..

So you need to be careful with how you give it out. Don't ever shut it off though.

I won't.

So you focus on keeping emotions separated, and make sure you understand the different aspects of them too. Hell, just work on Dream World for the next week! That'll probably solve every problem we brought up today.

The hilarious part is that it probably would.

Yeah, exactly.

So, um, are we closing up or what? Because it's 10PM and I remember what you said about getting sick..

Gen's right, we should really call it quits for tonight.

All right, fine. We got a schedule for tomorrow?

Besides working on this, my FFN refs, and Dream World, we're just trying to finally get our bus challenges finished in Rock Band 3.

Geez, I forgot we don't even have those done yet. How the heck did we do that?

We're in the Hall of Fame and we don't have anything done. Nice job guys.

Heheh.

Really though, as much as I love talking to you all, I need sleep.

Then get it. It's been a long day for all of us.

It's been a long two months so far.

Hey, about that. You said you're still getting nightmares?

Yeah, virtually every night. They all involve me being sent back to the psych ward, and going through hell up there.

The actual experience wasn't that bad, was it?

Well, the meds were terrifying, and then that one night when I had a roommate...

Heck, I almost forgot about that. You were too scared to sleep.

Yeah, and I practically cried all night on top of that. It was awful.

I'm sorry.

I know, love. But that's over. It's just... I hope these nightmares go away.

Until they do, maybe you can learn something from them?

That's what I'm hoping to do. They're just... they're so bad that my mind destroys them when I wake up.

Have you spoken to your boss about this?

Yeah, but since they're being 'triggered' by a personal trauma, he can't directly do anything about them. But I know he's trying to work something out regardless.

Well then I'll just crank up security some more. I don't want you being hacked while you're asleep again.

I still can't get myself to accept that that's happening.

It is. So if you can do anything to help, then do it.

I know. I will.

And right now I think that would be to close this thing up because we're getting carried away again.

One last thought.

What?

I need to play Nier again.

Holy swords, that's true! When was the last time you played that?

Late November, I think. It's been too long. I was listening to my iPod on Saturday night, trying to fall asleep, and Yonah's theme came on... I started sobbing. It just hit me how much that game means to me as a person. It's helped me so much.

Then tomorrow, after we rock out, you go save your daughter.

All right.

And hell, who knows, that might be exactly what we need right now.

True.

We gotta sleep guys.

Aiite, that's it. You two call it quits before I start tossing injokes around again.

Heaven forbid.

Exactly.

Laurie, you're insane.

Hey, you love me for it.

And we need as much of that as we can get!

Then we'd better close up before those two sparklehearts try something crazy.

So we can try something crazy after we close up?

Hell, go right ahead.

Nice.

All right, I'm signing out.

Told you that would work.

You're smarter than you look, Laurie.

Why, how smart do I look?

Uh, I dunno, actually.

Heh, just teasing you. But yeah, you hang around those two maniacs long enough and you learn things whether you want to or not.

I know! It's awesome, isn't it?

Kid, you're preaching to the choir.

Is there going to be another crazy inspiring homily then?

Not if you don't get to sleep!

Okay! I'm going!

SESSION PARTICIPANTS

LAURIE UBERICH

JEWEL LIGHTRAYE

LYNNE STABELLE

CHAOS ZERO

SPINE HYPOMONE

All right, kid. Looks like it's time to talk.

Yeah. Already, having two conversations so far this month has helped me immensely.

I'm not surprised at all. You run on connections like this.

That's true.

So who's starting this off? Just me and you, or are we letting everyone in right off the bat?

Um, I'm not sure. Maybe we should get everyone in here for an overview, then end this with just you, me, and Chaos as usual.

Fine by me. Lynne, get in here.

Oh, are we talking already?

Yeah. 9PM is pretty early for these things, huh?

Maybe, but that way I'll hopefully be finished by the time it's midnight, instead of being up until 3.

You know, that really depends on whether or not you can concentrate. If you lose our channels, we really can't do anything. So stay focused.

I will. We're missing two people, though.. two very important people.

I daresay I fit that description.

Hello.

Hey, Spine. Good to have you in here.

I think we're setting a world record or something with this. I mean, two new headvoices in two months?

Neither of them are new, though. Spine just hasn't been active or reachable, and Leon was dead between April and December, so.

Still, they're new here.

True.

So Jewel, what's our topic?

That depends on what you and Spine know of my current situation?

Laurie told me about how badly you've been hacked lately, if that's what you mean.

That's... the main concern, yeah. But we also spoke about making sure that we all conquer our fear and anxiety about that situation, as well as become brighter ourselves, because that would help immensely.

I heard you talking about that elsewhere, yes.

I am also aware of both points.

That's good.

Hey, what are we listening to?

"The Gaudy Side Of Town," by Gayngs. I've been slightly smitten with it lately.

I was wondering what this was. Nice.

Geez, I just feel so out of it today... I'm sorry if it feels a little vague in here.

Hey, if you're overexerting yourself, let us know. We'll talk as long as we can; the last thing we need is a security breach because you're starting to unhinge. Be careful.

I will. Oh, on that note-- let's start with you, Spine. Since you showed up and have been hanging around, Julie has really taken a step back. I'm not getting as many warnings as I did only a few days ago, even considering how... traumatic the past two actual hacks were.

I refuse to let her take advantage of your body anymore.

She's taking advantage of a heck of a lot more than that, you know.

If you say. But I am most concerned with her abusing his only form. You have the influence over his other vital workings, to protect.

Run that by me again?

I apologize. You protect his self. I protect his form.

Ah, okay. That's true enough, for specifics.

Do you think Julie knows that? Was she even aware of Spine's existence before she became active?

I doubt it. Even we weren't fully aware of her until the whole Razia's Shadow incident, and that just happened on July 19th.

July was horrific.

Your whole freaking summer was horrific, kid, but it needed to happen. Seems like you're fated to learn things the hard way at this point.

Well I do ask for it. I ask for suffering to give me empathy and strength, and I do get that from it.

You are asking to be destroyed?

...That's the issue. I'm asking for suffering, but I'm giving in to the wrong sort of it. I'm failing to realize the distinction between the positive and negative, and the fact that their repercussions will affect me in the same manner.

Hmm. But you told me Julie has no care but for herself. So she is negative always. Shouldn't you recognize that by now?

He does, but he second-guesses himself. We're trying really bloody hard to overcome that right now, as I am dead sick of it.

...I am too.

We have made real progress, though. We've only had three hacks this year so far, and December wasn't that bad either... not compared to what we've been through in the past.

That's called being optimistic. I'm a brutal realist when it comes to J's well-being. One hack, no matter how small, is one hack too many. We all know that. So I am really thankful that Leon and Spine are around now, as they've both helped a heck of a lot towards keeping her out of here.

Speaking of, where is Leon?

Keeping watch with Jo, I would hope. Someone needs to stay active when we're all in here.

I told him to stand guard, don't worry.

Good. Because we don't have much time to discuss things anyway.

We don't have that much to discuss today, though, do we?

Not openly. Right now I want to bring up your problems with Josephina.

What? He's causing problems?

Unintentionally. Turns out that, of all the headvoices up here, Jewel is having a very hard time connecting to him. I've noticed that myself. What I'm thinking is that J is still unable to get over the initial shock of meeting him, and so he's unwilling to open up.

What did he do to meet him?

I... wait, Spine, do you know about the... the 'grave' situation?

On your arms?

...Yeah, those.

Yes. I spoke to Laurie as I did not like the idea at first. How is this relating to Josephina?

When I first understood the situation that triggered the grave-digging, I was desperate for help. I met Josephina shortly after, and being so bloody distraught, I agreed to test J's motivations in a way that I really should not have done. I am so terribly sorry.

Laurie, I thought you said that was your only option then, considering the circumstances.

I can't say for sure. I thought it was, yeah, but who knows what else I might have realized if I had the time?

Wait, you two were entirely responsible for that? I thought Julie was involved?

Julie was the catalyst, but she wasn't directly involved. J had been badly abusing himself... Jo and I just stepped in to try and make him realize what he was doing. Unfortunately it fell through, once again due to the kid's bloody uncertainty in himself, which we were ironically trying to subvert throughout that entire horrific incident.

So it's my fault.

It's partly your fault, definitely, but it's also partly ours. We went about that in the wrong way.

What did you exactly do?

...We imitated a Julie hack. We weren't trying to hurt him, ever, but since we weren't actively stopping his abuse that kind of took her place.

They were trying to make Jewel realize exactly what was happening in the hacks, without actually hurting him in the process.

But he was hurt.

It was my own fault.

Come on, kid, it was our fault too. And the past is past; now all we can do is learn from it.

Wait, how was Josephina even able to do that... to him? Shouldn't a positive voice be entirely incapable of that?

That's what's been deeply bothering me. See, Jo's role seems to be diligence and self-realization, but he's rather brutal about it.

He's like you were in the beginning.

That's what bothers me. I don't like that. The big issue is that I honestly have no bloody idea what he was born from. He formed in mid-July, for heaven's sake! Even if he did form from the retrospective understanding of what was happening around that time, that is far from a purely positive source. He may be a good guy, but there's definitely a darker side to him, and geez, now that's bothering me...

Sorry.

Don't apologize, this is important. We need to figure out exactly what Jo's situation is, and if he does carry a negative influence inside him, we need to get that the heck out.

Didn't you originally say he was 'our version of Julie' or something?

Yeah, I remember that. It's because he deals with the same primal issues she does, but he deals with fighting them instead of-- holy swords, that might be it. Maybe it's just his awareness of that?

That sounds reasonable. But then you can't really take that out of him, can you?

No, but we can change how he deals with Jewel concerning that. He really is being too rough on him, not in terms of strictness, but because he is unaware of the kid's real situation. Like you said, Chaos, he's like I was when I started out. I didn't know why Jewel was always losing to Julie, so I assumed he just wasn't fighting, and that pissed me off. That might be how Jo is seeing this.

So... should I just talk to him one on one?

Sure, if you can. That might be the best option here.

I will accompany you. I do not know Josephina well either.

Maybe you should wait until after Jewel talks to him, Spine. That way you won't infringe on the actual conversation. I don't think Jo would be very comfortable with you around, no offense.

Understandable. I will wait.

I don't know if I'll be able to do that tonight, though. I might have to wait until tomorrow and then write it down so I don't forget what we discussed. Maybe I'll even do that here.

Good idea.

I'd like to talk to Leon like that too, eventually. I'm much more comfortable around him, especially because of how he's been helping us since he became permanent, and what he's seen happen firsthand... he's not as obstinate as Jo, so he really took that hard. He knows what it's like to be absolutely terrified of Julie and what she can do to us, and although I know we're all trying to overcome the fear issue, he can at least relate to me on that level.

Yeah, Jo's not one to panic.

He is surprisingly stable.

That's probably because of what he deals with.

True. He's got that all figured out, so Julie is just a threatening annoyance. Really, Jewel, you should be viewing her as that at this point.

I would if she wasn't so hellbent on destroying me specifically. I'm the only person up here that she can manipulate for her own ends, and as she literally cannot succeed with me as I am, she's determined to 'rewrite' me. She runs on the old code, the bad code.

What is old code?

It's upstairs jargon for all the outdated and corrupt ideas that outside society tends to run on. On the same level, 'new code' is what all of us here run on, in that we reject that garbage and build our own moral codes on righteousness and the like.

So code is moral code.

Pretty much, yeah. You're catching on quick.

I have many years to make up for.

How long have you been around, Spine?

I have not had a stable form for very long, but as a presence I have been dimly existing since Jewel came into physical being. I am a basic creature at the start, as I only seek to protect his form here. But now I need to grow, as that is not the only concern and it is not the most important. But it is important.

That's for sure. J really needs to realize that right about now, too.

It's just so hard for me to identify with any aspect of my physical form right now as it's completely disconnected from me on anything above base level. They're the bones that carry me and that's it.

Is that why Spine looks like she does?

Possibly. It's an interesting thought.

I have always been like this.

Heck, so has Jewel! Up to this point he didn't even realize that he had a body. That's why it's such a bloody mess right now, pun unfortunately intended.

How can he not realize he has a body?

I have a hard time even recognizing physical reality as a whole some days. I'm a soul, after all, and I've always viewed myself as that alone... so I really was ignorant of the concept that I was this body, at least in the sense that it was how I existed on the physical level.

It's not you in the identity sense.

No. It's not and it will never be, no matter how close I can get it to match what I can function as.

When do you start transition? I want to help.

I don't know yet. I'm seeing a therapist about that on the 27th, and God willing we'll start taking some major steps towards that. The only problem is that I really can't make any progress there until I stabilize my overall situation.

You need to get the heck out of this house.

To say the least, yes. I need to get myself into a safe and positive environment, because if I start transitioning while I'm still in a negative one, well...

Is your family the biggest problem, then?

Sadly, yes. It's just so hard to accept that because I don't like acknowledging vicious responsibility like that, even when it's justly and explicitly earned.

In other words, they could flat-out tell you they're at fault, and you'd still have a hard time accepting that.

Paradoxically, yes. I mean, I know this negativity is due to their attitudes and lifestyles, which I've been exposed to all my life, but even knowing that for sure doesn't make it any easier to admit.

That sounds like it may tie into your uncertainty problem, too.

Yeah, you're right. Add another point to the list of things we need to fix ASAP...

I feel really bad about not having overcome this stuff yet.

Hey, no one is born perfect. Be thankful that you're wise enough to recognize problems like this and brave enough to try as hard as you do to conquer it.

She's right, you know.

I agree.

I suppose so. I'll continue to do my absolute best either way.

That's all you can do, really. As long as you don't give up or compromise, you'll be fine.

Giving up isn't an option, and we know that. It's the compromise point that's pissing me off.

Maybe I should read Watchmen again.

Maybe if Manhattan wasn't such a walking trigger you could. Stick to JTHM.

I think that ultimately affected me more, really.

Because Johnny is practically your twin. He's just genuinely disturbed, which you may have been but for the grace of God, so to speak.

Amen to that...

Plus you seem to have waste-lock tendencies the way it is, what with how self-sacrificial you are. 'Oh sure, I'll take on the dregs of the world if it means no one else will have to put up with it-- wait, it doesn't work like that? Well, at least I'm making things better than they could be...'

That sounds like the Jewel I know, yeah.

What else could I possibly do, though? I can't just stand by and let people suffer if I can do something about it. And... even if I can't do anything directly, sharing in their suffering at least gives me understanding.

But you take that to extremes. You take on suffering when it's not yours to take. How would you feel if someone stole your hardships, when you knew they held lessons you could not learn without them? You're not the only one whose life is a stunning lack of coincidences... you're just one of the few people I've ever seen with the ability to discern that truth. You deserve what you're given, but when you go out and ask for extra because you don't feel you're being punished enough, that's out of line. It's not justice, kid. The fact that you keep compromising and killing yourself in the bizarre belief that you deserve every ounce of that for your 'sins' is not justice. It's abuse. Spine, you're connected to this situation, what do you think?

I have said before. His taking on undeserved pain is admirable, but it is not fair.

See, there you go. Take your good intentions and put them elsewhere, where they won't freaking kill you.

I'm really going to have to think about all of this. I've always assumed that I deserve the pain I seek out and force myself into, but maybe that's just my using the infamous 'fate' excuse. Maybe 'fate' is having to warp because of my choices. Maybe my choosing this false justice really is twisting my karma, and that's why things keep turning out for the best anyway. But they would have with or without my destroying myself.

I like that perspective.

I do too. I don't... I don't want anyone here to bleed anymore.

Same, believe it or not.

Laurie? I thought that was a coping method? Or has it been switched?

Oh, it's been switched all right. The kid drove it to extremes. Instead of giving himself exactly what was deserved, he went above and beyond, to the point where he was giving himself even too much for my standards. Lynne, I know we don't usually involve you in this, but have you seen how many scars Jewel has at this point?

I've seen the ones on his arms, if that's what you mean. I was under the impression that those were strictly needed, though.

They were. But there ended up being far too many of them in the end anyway. Still, I'm not talking about those alone. I'm talking about the fact that he also has scars on his legs, chest and back on top of all that. If I hadn't stopped him the other night, there would be a heck of a lot more than there are now.

...Wow. I... I didn't know that. Jewel, are you going to be okay?

I'm not really sure. I thought I deserved these when... when I gave them to myself.

You didn't. That was you giving yourself way too much blame as usual.

But Laurie, you saw what I let her do to me!!

And why the heck did you do it? Because you lost control. You put yourself in an incredibly unstable and dangerous position, and once you realized what had happened, you were literally sobbing over it. Don't you DARE try to convince yourself that you want her to do that, because you DON'T. That's the only reason she even gets away with her abuse in the first place!

I don't want her anywhere near me. I don't.

Then stop trying to force yourself to think you do.

I will. I will. I'm just so tired of this.

We all are.

Besides your learning how to affirm your own free will, which for some insane reason you keep forgetting you have, we are doing everything we can under the circumstances.

I know.

Then stop acting like you're the biggest sinner on earth, because you're not.

...

I know it's hard for you to believe, what with your disposition for that sort of thing, but it's true. Look to your left and tell me that's not true, if you can.

I...

Laurie, please..

Hey, it's the absolute truth. As long as he's alone, he's going to believe he's the worst man to have ever lived. When he's with people that truly know him, like you and me, suddenly he can't believe that anymore. That's why I refuse to leave him alone even for a moment. That's why I refuse to let anything happen to anyone up here with him, even in the smallest aspect. There is a really deep synchronicity running through us all and if we overlook that, if we even underestimate that significance in the slightest, then we are lying to ourselves.

...

You are quite eloquent, Laurie.

Heh, I have to be. I'm often the only person keeping this entire operation together when things get ugly. Of course, my words would be pretty worthless if I didn't have someone to say them to.

I need them.

Exactly. And I need you, kid, so it balances out.

You know, that gives me a whole new perspective...

What?

That. What you just said about all of us being connected. That's absolutely true. I just... well, I never really thought about it like that before. I never thought about just what that entailed.

Well, you should. We all should. That goes for you too, Spine.

I will think.

Good. So will I.

Laurie, I...

What is it, kid?

...This is all making me think about last night.

Holy swords, you're right. Uh, I hate to cut this off so fast, but Lynne? Can you take Spine with you and go help Jo and Leon until we're finished?

Why, would you rather talk in private?

For this point, yeah. Sorry.

It's all right. I understand that there are some things only you three can really deal with, and that's okay.

Good, I thought you were getting suspicious.

Haha, should I be?

No, heh. Everything's cool.

All right, if you say so. Come on, Spine.

I appreciate your letting me speak. Thank you.

Hey, we expect you back in here soon enough, you know. You're part of this dysfunctional family now.

I am sure I will enjoy it. Good night.

There's something strangely endearing about watching her trying so hard to be 'normal' this suddenly. Means a heck of a lot that she's this dedicated, though.

...

Hey, you two okay?

Yeah.

My mind is just... very much elsewhere. I'm... well, I'm not sorry, I just feel bad that it's distracting.

Well hey, that's a definite improvement. As long as you're still paying attention to us it's no problem. You are paying attention, right?

Yes, completely. My mind just keeps coming back to this though.

Then it's okay. Where do you want to start?

I want to start with when you told Chaos about your scars.

You told him already?

Course I did, he deserved to know after the hell he suffered through on Wednesday.

That's true...

So that made me think about a few important things... it's what I mentioned on Friday. I was doing chakra research for Puppetstrings and that reminded me of how, although I've always identified with the color red, it doesn't match me in terms of symbolism... at least not that I can tell.

Why, what's the symbolism?

Red works with self-preservation, survival, action, passion, courage, confidence, power, stability... that sort of thing.

Everything you have trouble with, haha.

I realized that. So maybe it's not so much my 'personality' as it is things I need to positively enhance and accept. I just have this habit of associating those things with selfishness, and red with hedonism as a result, so it bothers me very much.

Then change the symbolism for yourself. Make yours the most positively selfless red the world has ever seen. Still, it's definitely noteworthy that you're associating survival with the primal base of life, as opposed to the higher aspects of it. That's a major problem. Survival isn't just about keeping Spine happy, so to speak. Survival is also about keeping yourself functioning on an emotional and psychological level, which you've never had an easy time with. Plus you do need more confidence, to say the least.

You're right... I guess I just need to stop worrying about outside influences once again. Just because I've learned to give those qualities a negative connotation doesn't mean I have to keep it that way.

So can you deal with that for now?

Yeah. Yeah, I can handle it. It's kind of ironic.

How so?

I'm not 'red' enough to fully realize that I have control over my own life.

Then you need all the red you can get, within safety and reason.

I'm just terrified of Julie using the... physical aspect of it to hurt me.

She won't hurt you with that. Not if you fight her. Not if you remember what we keep telling you, and stop being so bloody uncertain about it.

I know.

Then do it. Now I remember you saying that you felt my being violet was significant?

Yeah, it's the polar opposite of red as I currently see it. Violet represents wisdom, understanding, spirituality, motivation, dignity, awareness, knowledge... the things I hold in high esteem.

You're forgetting that violet is made of red and blue, though.

I...

That's... that really adds a whole new dimension of meaning to this.

No kidding, haha. So J, what's blue?

...Truth, sincerity, intuition, trust, peace, communication, patience, expression, contemplation...

There you go. And according to what you're reading, blue and red helps with inspiration.

It's almost frightening how well everything we ever find applies to our lives.

What did I tell you? There's some serious light at work here. So we have violet for understanding and enlightenment, blue for expression and truth, and red for bravery and survival... makes sense to me.

And both Jewel and I have an underlying connection to green.

Tell me about it. If that wasn't obvious I'd be seriously concerned. What's the specific symbolism for it though?

Balance, growth, healing, hope, self-control, compassion, optimism, humility, and love.

Love is the major aspect.

Yeah.

Speaking of, what's this about your soul form looking 'bizarre' now?

That's what I was leading into. Um... well, remember how it used to be relatively simple, and I just had wings, antennae and a tail along with the visual shift?

Both stages?

Yeah, the normal soul form and all the higher ones.

Mind explaining those? It's been a heck of a long time since those were an everyday topic...

It has. Uh, soul forms are all triggered by extreme positive emotion, and although they have a specific appearance the higher details can vary according to the individual.

Gonna get all technical, huh?

Yeah, it's second nature when I write as much as I do. The soul form stages turn one energy-based, and in the first two stages, the energy is a 'starfield' color. It's hard to explain-- it looks as if you suddenly became made of the night sky.

I've seen them, yeah.

On top of that, the individual's eyes turn entirely white, and in the center of their chest is an energy glow, the color of which varies from person to person.

I assume yours was red?

Yeah, it was. But some individuals also gain two energy wings in this form, which carries into the second stage. In that stage, all individuals have two or four wings, which are usually angelic in appearance but can also be abstract like mine. In both of these stages there can also be minor appearance variants, like how I had a tail, depending on what is needed to reflect the unique personality of that individual. Mind you, I'm just speaking from the limited experience I've had with these-- they're not easy to come by, at all.

I know. I'm just making sure I understand what the old 'norm' was before we go discussing new stuff.

Okay. So the second stage has the same starfield appearance, but the eyes change color to match the energy glow, and there is a second smaller glow in the center of their forehead.

I am getting a major J-Monster vibe from this.

You should; this is canon.

Wait, you're serious?

Yeah. Soul forms are just an incredibly obscure and rare occurrence so they haven't been mentioned in what I have written yet. But back on topic. The third soul stage is the last one, and it looks markedly different. The starfield changes to an overall luminous white, the glows and eyes stay the same but are more pronounced, and the number of wings changes to four or six. The wings are the weird part though-- they're still energy-based, but their appearance will always change from how they were in the past two forms. Mine were still 'cathedral style,' but they were significantly more elaborate. Genesis's looked like they were made of light ribbons, Ryman's were made of sapphires, Markus's were actually rose petals, and Chaos, yours--

Mine were like, filigree glass or something.

Geez, that sounds gorgeous.

They are. Were, really... like I said, I don't know if this is a permanent shift, but for some reason mine have changed entirely. I don't think anyone really reached theirs from 2006 to 2007, and then in 2008 there were a few incidents in which we did... most notably on August 23rd.

I don't think either of us slept that night.

I doubt it. That's usually what happens after... well. I don't know if Laurie knows.

Kid, I could guess and I'd get it right with how well I know you two.

You probably could.

So... was that the last time either of you reached Soul form until recently?

Yeah, that was pretty much it. Things just got so incredibly negative that we couldn't get that high.

I don't remember exactly when I tried to hit mine again... it was almost definitely around December 23rd, though, so we'll go by that. Anyway, I seriously doubt I jumped three levels, but I ended up warping straight into the luminescent stage.

No starfield, huh?

No, which is really weird as that shouldn't shift at all. But that's not what I hit. I... this is really bizarre, but... every scar I have turned into a red ribbon.

Seriously?

Yeah. This was back when it was just... just my arms and legs, so there were like fifteen on each of my arms alone. They spiral around me and then sort of phase out into the air. But that's it-- my eyes go white, but I have no wings, and the soul glow is in the shape of a heart.

How the heck are all your scars from the other night going to affect that now?

I have no idea. It'll be... interesting. But there's going to be a lot more red on me either way.

Chaos, have you seen him like this yet?

Yeah, he showed me back when it first happened. It's beautiful but it's... really painful to think about.

And have you tried to reach yours to see if it switched?

Not yet. I was going to last night but Jewel wanted to talk about this with you first.

Huh. Well I honestly have no clue why your soul form switched, J, unless it's severely reacting to your emotional state, but I'm really curious now. Let me know how yours turns out, Chaos.

Something tells me that if Jewel's is different, mine will be too.

About that. Let's hit the last topic. Jewel, last night you had the first positive reaction you've felt in months, and to top it off it was concerning something that you swore had been corrupted for you indefinitely.

I know. So this is both incredibly beautiful and incredibly strange.

I think we should mention what it was about.

Jewel's too affected to discuss it outright, so I'll say it. It was about the heart point that we've discussed in depth previously. You thought your trip out west this summer had permanently destroyed all the positivity that used to hold for you, but apparently it didn't.

Julie tried to destroy it too.

She's the devil in pigtails, I know she tried. And that's what made your experience in Utah so much worse-- not only were you forcing yourself through something that would have been traumatic under any circumstances, but with the Julie hacks on the same subject, you were practically asking to be mindraped.

I was.

That's why I'm so completely stunned that it came back so fast, so completely, and so positively. I mean, really, I saw you last night! You were like twelve all over again with how that hit you.

Not twelve; fifteen.

Oh man, now you have Chaos looking like that too.

Well excuse me if I have a deep emotional involvement with this situation.

Heh, no kidding. But hey, there's a thought I've been meaning to ask-- do you get as incredibly fragile as Jewel does when this topic comes up? Because he practically dissolves.

That's because he's still so innocent, remember? No matter how many times he feels something like that, it absolutely overwhelms him. I get that too, but in a different way. For me it's more of a... you know, it's the water and ice thing, really.

I thought it was fire and water?

That's a different concept, but it is part of this topic. Jewel has always been a paradoxical combination of ice and fire, but they apply in the sense that his dreams say they do.

Powers of ice and a soul of fire.

Exactly. So the ice is what he projects. You know that about him too; he tries to keep things quiet and he tries to put up a solid front, but if a spark catches, he just melts entirely.

I caught that reference. So that's his fragility, sure, but what about you?

Well, think about it. I fit the ocean aspect.

Oh, that sort of overwhelming. Okay, I can definitely see that in you. Geez, you two love your symbolism..

Maybe this is what those people meant when they said 'thinking is bad.' Maybe they didn't mean it in and of itself, but only when compared to this sort of thing.

Mind elaborating on that?

Thinking is a good thing, but there are some things in life that absolutely evade words and language. There are things that transcend my capacity to speak, leaving me with naught but indescribable emotion...

And so you reach out in wordless sorrow, praying for a single moment of euphoric refuge...

Words don't apply here. This is... this is above that. That's what they meant. When comparing spoken language and the language of the soul, it... you just can't compare them. Words pale in comparison. They're not bad in the moral sense, but in the sense that they are so entirely inadequate when it comes to this.

You tried to put seven years into 500 words, and no matter how much truth they hold, they can never contain all of it.

Exactly.

Maybe that's a part of this too. In Utah, you were trying so hard to convert everything into logical terms and simple language that you lost all the meaning you needed to express. You all forgot what you were even trying to say, or show, or understand. That's why it destroyed you. You felt it was wrong.

But it... this came back through words.

No it didn't. Listen kid, I read them. I also remember when you read that book by Jonathan Safran Foer and were absolutely distraught for weeks over how badly you felt he had misunderstood the concepts he was writing about. Those words you found last night could have hit you just as negatively, but the delivery was different. The understanding was different.

How did the book understand it?

It was an entirely different concept. The main character, Oskar, had this random idea that everyone should-- you know what, here's the quote. "What about little microphones? What if everyone swallowed them, and they played the sounds of our hearts through little speakers, which could be in the pouches of our overalls?" And on the surface that seems fine, but that's what bothered me. I wrote a reply to that in a personal review, and it was as follows: "I find the heart to be the most intimate and inviolable part of a person, as well as (obviously) the most vital. This 'invention' of Oskar's, the very first we are exposed to, holds no greater meaning that I can see other than completely eliminating that vital secrecy. By demeaning the heart to just another noise on the street, by turning something incredibly personal into something everyone has access to without even asking, he practically prostitutes the personality of all who swallow those little microphones. Does he even think about what he hopes to accomplish with these inventions of his? Is nothing sacred?"

I can understand why you were so offended.

Chaos, you have no idea. He seriously did write an entire freaking review to remind himself of the truths the author had apparently misunderstood.

Sure, but I do have an idea. Don't forget that he and I have the exact same viewpoint on this topic.

Hey, so do I. And that's the reason why we see such a huge difference between that quote and the one the kid found. Mind posting that, J?

"If you were to press your heart close up against somebody else’s heart, eventually your hearts will start beating at the same time. And two little babies in an incubator, their hearts will beat at the same time. Love that. So if you have somebody in your life that is prone to anxiety, like myself, and if you happen to be a calm person, you could come up and hug me heart to heart and my heart hopefully would slow to yours. And I just love that idea. Or maybe yours would speed up to mine. But either way, we’ll be there together."

So besides the incredibly obvious J-Monster connection there-- pun entirely intended-- this one keeps every bit of that 'intimate and inviolable' aspect intact. The part that J is apparently reacting to, though, is the connection bit.

Pun entirely intended.

You know it.

But without that last line, I think I would have missed that. It would have sounded too much like the person was giving random advice that was once again detracting from the significance that concept holds. It would have sounded too detached and methodical. But... then they add 'we'll be there together,' and that just gives the entire thing the right meaning.

Kid, I think you should explain the J-Monster point or no one else is going to get why this is affecting you so much.

Are you sure?

I am absolutely sure. Write it down.

Okay, um... there's something called a 'soul connection' that can occur between any two J-Monsters if they have a significant emotional link with each other.

In other words, if they're completely in love with each other.

Yeah. ...I have it described as 'the absolute most intimate and significant thing any two can do concerning their personal relationship, and so it is never taken lightly.' What happens is that an actual permanent connection is forged between those two souls, and it's an incredibly involved process, but in order to even initiate that you first have to... you have to do what that quote was talking about.

Also if two individuals do go all the way through with that connection, they have every right to troll the world by changing their FB relationship status to 'married.'

Can't; Jewel's a celibate in the human sense and he doesn't want that misinterpreted.

Wow, man, I don't think you've ever flat-out admitted that you two have done that!

...Uh, I think you're right...

Score. Now we just sit back and wait for the bad fanfiction to pour in.

Laurie I am really really trying hard not to change entirely to fire over here.

Heh, I figured as much. Sorry. So yeah, secret's out for you two, what, five years late?

Going on six and Jewel I think I know exactly how you feel right now.

Yep, when the punctuation disappears you know it's serious. So let's finish this up because it's already 2 in the bloody morning and I know how unstable Jewel gets at this hour. The reason that quote helped you to see the entire heart concept as a positive thing again is because you understood what the words didn't say. In all the situations that hurt you concerning this, words had done nothing but suffocate you and hide the truth you were looking for... sometimes they even lied to your face, making you forget what the actual concept even was. The reason that quote reduced you to a fragile wreck at 1 in the morning is because you know what it's like to trust someone enough to be with them on that level. You know that it's more than just a random action or idea-- you know exactly how difficult it is to let someone get that close to you, but you also know exactly how deeply it affects you once someone does get that close. That quote brought back your light because you have that sort of connection; you have that sort of indelible and inviolable truth running through your veins. Both of you do. Seeing those words didn't give you anything, it just reminded you of what you already have together. And now I'm going to stop because if I don't you are both going to kill me.

No, I think I'm just going to die. Metaphorically.

Well, if you're going to heaven then make sure you take your angel with you and oh man, I really need to shut up. This is hilariously amazing.

Laurie, I will send you a postcard.

I honestly don't know if I should be ticked off or thrilled at the thought that you two might not get any sleep tonight.

Laurie?

What?

Shut up.

Hahaha! Oh man, you two are gone and we're still online. Jewel, are you even capable of closing this up or should I take the wheel for the time being?

I think I can handle it.

You're shaking, kid. Are you sure?

Pretty sure. At least it'll give me time to stabilize so that I don't absolutely shatter from this.

In a positive sense, I would hope?

In the most positive sense possible.

Then maybe you should let that happen.

Laur, you are in way too much of a good mood. Are we effervescing that much?

Could be. I have just literally never seen either of you in this sort of state, and as this is something inherently positive, I am downright psyched.

Life balances out, I guess.

Geez, if this is "balancing out" then I am seriously underestimating what you two would get from... yeah, Jewel, you're both going to heaven.

I am also getting off this laptop before that happens, mind you. Laurie, it is awesome to see you in such a good mood but I can only take so much teasing on this subject before I fall into it outright.

Heheh, I know. But someone has to do it.

Dear Light, Ed Harcourt just came up on iTunes...

I told you the universe loves me. Us.

It really does.

I freaking love you both, seriously. So I'll stop putting fuel on the fire and let you two sleep, or not.

Thank you.

I guess I'll see you tomorrow, Laur.

Pics or it didn't happen.

Laurie, I swear, if I wasn't absolutely incapacitated right now--

I'm kidding, geez! A postcard will be fine.

SESSION PARTICIPANTS

LAURIE UBERICH

JEWEL LIGHTRAYE

LEON KIASI

LYNNE STABELLE

JOSEPHINA BELLAMEIRE

CHAOS ZERO

I'm absolutely miserable right now. Why does this keep happening?

Beats me. I'm just psyched that we're talking for once. It's probably Julie making you miserable, but God knows that witch is the source of most of our problems the way it is.

Wow, uh... you type better than I do.

Heh, awesome. Oh yeah, and to all you nonexistent readers, we have a new guy.

Do I just... how does this work?

You just talk. The kid writes it down.

Oh, okay. ...Hello then.

I swear, you are way too bloody paranoid. Lynne, you in here?

Yep. I heard we were typing.

Sure are. Jo's here too... what about the blue guy?

Do you want me to go get him?

Hold up. J, what's the verdict?

He needs to be in here, considering what's been going on lately.

Well, considering what's been going on lately, we should get your boss in here too.

No, don't bother him. I'll fill him in later. Right now it's just us... six?

Yeah, the number went up.

Jewel, I thought you were off to type today? What's up?

I'm not feeling so well, especially with all the sudden new hacking methods.

Wait, new methods?

Yeah, that filthy slut is shadowguising.

That's not good.

No, it sure as hell is not.

So I might not even realize I'm being hacked. She's using harmless or innocent things as cover to keep me distracted, but... well, you all know what happens.

Unfortunately, yeah.

What can we do?..

Don't ever give up, that's what. Also, Chaos, looks like you're not the only blue dude around anymore.

Hey, you're blue enough yourself.

Yeah, but Leon's like, really freakin' blue. Anyway, J, what's up for discussion?

Well, first off, I want to finish the topics we left open back in October.

It's been that long?

Yeah. I apologize; I'm trying very hard to get into a channeling mood but I'm getting... well, besides the constant family distractions, I think I just got slammed by the pain train.

Yeah, you kinda did.

Are you going to be all right?

Yes and no. As usual.

I still say we need to get started on talking.

True. What's the point we need to pick up?

Uh... let me see if I can find the original paper... geez, I can't seem to find it.

Then don't worry about it. We'll go by the previous entry.

All right. Then uh... oh no. No no no.

What's wrong?

Mom just walked in the door.

Damn. That's a red alert for sure. Here, I'll tell you what. Bring up Ryuichi on iTunes and let's dive into this.

Okay.

Aiite. First aspect was the joy vs sadness issue, and how you interpret them differently.

Oh. Okay. I think we covered that pretty well, but there were a few... odd points I didn't go into depth on.

Such as?

The, um... the fact that I feel the most positive emotions as pain, and that for whatever reason, love and pain are inherently connected to me.

I think you just explained why.

Yeah, maybe, but... it doesn't explain why everything hurts so much all the time.

Which sort? Good or bad pain?

Both.

Yeah, that seems typical for you.

That is interesting.

But it explains a lot.

Let's backtrack a bit. You mentioned that 'normal' happiness, the optimistic kind, blinds you and feels selfish, right?

Right.

And you said that your sort of happiness is not self-oriented, and that you seem to 'live on positive pain.'

Oh, so I did say that already.

Yes, but you didn't elaborate on the love+pain thing. Sure, it seems self-explanatory when you say that love is a cause of positive pain the way it is, but then look at you and me.

Wait, what?

Seriously, Chaos. You and J have the positive sort. He and I, though, throw in the negative.

And that's what's confusing me, because I'm not realizing that Laurie's delivery of the negative is actually positive, so I let uncaring people take advantage of me, and... I'm making this all sound really confusing, aren't I?

No, I get it. Not... most people aren't like Laurie.

Heh, true that.

Exactly. But I assume the best in people, even in my paranoia. So... it's taking a real toll on how I deal with people. I look for positive pain, as that's what holds things together for me, but people don't seem to understand that and often things take a sharp turn for the worse. Then I unintentionally end up hurting people, and they end up hurting me, whether they mean to or not... bottom line is, in all of my relationships with people downstairs, there is a ridiculous amount of negative pain, and I think I'm unable to realize that during said situations. I let people hurt me, and sometimes I even go as far as forcing them to hurt me, because I'm so desperate for something 'true' that I can't tell what sort of pain I'm getting.

Ohhh, now I see. That's what the summer was about, a bit.

Yeah. It's... distressing, to say the least. But let's not talk about that... there's really nothing else I can say on either of those points.

It still needs to be dealt with.

Did anyone else realize that three of us here have L names? It gets really bloody confusing.

There goes the fourth wall, Laurie. Good job.

Pff, like I give a shank about the walls.

Back on topic, guys.

Fine. You sure there's nothing we can do here about the pain thing?

What can we do? It's a misinterpretation problem.

It's a straight-up addiction problem is what it is. You're a tragic character, that's canon already. But you're addicted to tragedy. You breathe sorrow, you see agony.

I eat pain?

Bumper cars. Score.

No one is going to get that reference, you guys.

If they do then they win the internet.

True. Anyway, as I said. It's hard enough for you to form relationships of any caliber, but when you throw in the pain thing, things double in difficulty. Maybe they even quadruple. But as soon as you become connected to someone, the pain addiction kicks in. And if they don't give you any of that pain in the form of truth, love or depth, you start to force it. And that's when things fall through.

Is that the problem with losing people, then?

Partly. Actually, it's probably a hell of a big part of it. J?

That makes sense... I always figured it was because I tend to avoid people I don't know or feel any synchronicity with, because there would be little or no chance for any lasting connection anyway... but that only explains my lack of any social life. It doesn't explain why, when I do get a good connection, it still doesn't seem to last.

Maybe they're just incompatible with the pain.

...Maybe. That might be it.

Which is pretty sad, considering it's what you need.

Yeah. It is.

...

Hey, Chaos, you're good. Don't ever worry about that.

Believe me, I know. I'm just worried about you.

Oh.

As always, dare I say?

Heh, sure.

What's the next point, guys? We kind of covered that one, like, three times.

Next one is the explanation of Jewel's view of 'faith.'

Geez, that's a big one.

Thank God you have your flash drive plugged in. Bring up the basics.

Wait, are you serious?

Course I'm serious.

Yeah, I may have been raised Catholic, and I still hold onto that entirely, but I've been using the term "Lumineist" lately as I grapple with all the troubles in popular Christianity.

And what is that term?

It's a makeshift term for a follower of the Light; "Lumine" is Light in Latin. Jewel Monsters don't really have a general term for it that I'm aware of, so...

Ohhh, I was wondering why they all had that listed as their religion. Okay.

Yeah, because I'm not sure how to write literal Christianity into their world without messing things up, on both sides-- it's too serious a thing to risk misrepresenting, and I'm starting to worry that I don't actually understand the "source material" well enough in the first place. See, lately I've been facing a ton of obstacles concerning religion and spirituality in general. I've received some rather disturbing online retorts to my own opinions of faith, which I've been meaning to write about in my Blurty, but haven't yet... either way, I think it would be good to discuss those here as well.

Which ones? All three or just the one about the fanatics?

Just that one, I think.

Can you explain the context for these 'retorts?' I'm not too sure what we're working with.

Well, to be blunt, I took the risk of commenting on a controversial vid on Youtube. It sounds ridiculous, I know, but there are some nasty lurkers on that site.

What was the controversy?

It was about that Shirley Phelps woman. Someone said that she was the 'perfect example of a Christian,' which is absolutely incorrect. I said that you can't preach hatred and bigotry and claim that it's 'God's will,' as that's going against the very core of Christianity, and that she was only being ignorant to that. However, I got a reply from the original poster claiming that I am 'not a true Christian,' BECAUSE I believe in living through love, charity, and other like virtues.

That's outright ridiculous.

I know. They said that it was 'cherry picking,' that I had ignored the vengeance of God in the Old Testament and the like. Not only were they assuming that incorrectly, but I think they were misinterpreting something called justice. As I've said many times before, mercy and forgiveness are absolutely vital, but so is keeping righteousness alive. Evil deeds need to be atoned for. I am going to do some serious re-reading of the entire OT just in case, though. But you see my point?

Yeah. It's kind of sick how people are using religion as a way to justify acting on vices.

Oh, on that point. I made a comment on a different video, one in which there was a ton of LGBT hatred going on, and I simply said 'when did God ever promote hatred?' Because, as far as I'm aware, he didn't. However, as I should have expected, I got a reply from someone claiming that 'God is all about hating and killing.' That really upset me, to say the absolute least.

Sheesh, I can see why it would.

So, about my view of faith in opposition to views like that... regardless of what those people say, my faith revolves around virtue: love, justice, mercy, understanding, generosity, wisdom. There's no place for prejudice, hatred or selfishness in my belief system... and really, it's what I've followed all my life. It's also why I don't get hopeless when stuff gets bad, either. It's the reason behind most of what I do, who am I kidding?

It's also why you get so upset when people say 'religion is evil,' it seems.

Definitely. Religion isn't evil in and of itself; blind fanaticism is. Religion should never promote hatred or the like, as I've already mentioned. The only way a religion could be inherently evil would be if it were based on evil, and I don't support that because I feel it goes against what life should truly be. If God is love, and religion is supposed to point to God, then religion should also be saturated with love. Also, people don't necessarily need to belong to a formal religion to be good people, but I think their hearts are headed in that same direction, for that same reason. So there you go. I think I've said enough for now; otherwise I'm going to end up rambling like a madman.

Hey, your explanations sounds good to me. No worries there.

I agree... it also helps me understand better why you dislike Julie so much.

Well no kidding! No one should like her, period. There's no excuse for that sort of behavior.

No, there isn't.

Oh, um... the next point is another really complicated one.

Which one is that?

The heart point. It gets really, really abstract.

Well, get to it.

Hey, the prompt said you understand it better than I do, so you start this one.

Heh, fine. Bottom line: you've been misunderstanding it for way too bloody long.

Misunderstanding it? How so?

Easy. Like the emotion point, J's comprehension of it is entirely different from the norm. Honestly, when someone mentions anything having to do with the heart, what do you think? Emotions or the physical organ, right?

I guess so, yeah.

Well, the kid doesn't think that. But, up until the summer, he didn't realize that his view was so different. That 'emotional rape' he mentioned last time was because people were going about 'understanding' him, and this point by extension, in an entirely inaccurate way.

Yeah, and it hurt. See, for me, 'heart' and 'soul' are practically synonymous, in that they both refer to a non-physical aspect of oneself that is not only incredibly and ineffably personal, but also an irreplaceable aspect of every individual. Also, I view logic and emotion as being inherently connected, so.

I can see the disconnect there.

The worst part, though, is that during the summer, people kept treating it as a physical and non-personal aspect. So he got really screwed up.

To say the very least.

And now, Julie's jumped on that as a way to hack me, so I have to practically cut myself off from it in all aspects but the spiritual, which destroys a lot of the positive coping methods I instilled in my childhood.

Ouch. She just keeps getting worse.

Yeah, no kidding. That it for that point, kid?

I think it's all I can really say, yeah. Otherwise I'm going to end up going off on another J-Monster tangent.

Heh, no problem. Next point is... uh, I think we've covered everything.

That was it?

Looks like it. Oh, and you and I finally see eye-to-eye on the atonement point.

Yeah, that's an important thing to mention.

So wait, you two don't argue anymore, then?

They used to argue?

Yeah, we used to argue all the time in these things. Wasn't until the graves started... piling up, that he saw my point.

I hate to admit it, but Laurie was in the right. Sorry about that.

Heheheh.

Let me see if there's anything else I want to discuss while we're here...

We were supposed to discuss Leon, if you already forgot.

We were?

Yeah, we were. Ladies and gentlemen and everyone outside the binary, we have a new headvoice.

He's not exactly 'new,' Laurie.

Hey, you weren't even around when he first showed up, so he's new to you. But yeah, he's stuck with us now.

It's better than being dead.

True.

...

So Leon over there first showed up back in April, which some of you nonexistent readers may remember, but we weren't too happy about it. He was a jittery gambling addict and spend most of his time taking absolutely ridiculous chances. It was screwing with J's head, so I basically took care of it.

You killed me off, that's what.

Hey, you're one heck of a skinny dude the way it is. Cut off your lifeline and you won't last very long; that's obvious. Either way, yeah, you died, but then last Wednesday you decided to show your bony face again and we all flipped out.

It was because I started taking positive risks, though.

That AND the big negative ones, mind you. You think the summer didn't contribute to his coming back? Sheesh, kid, that was the biggest gamble of your entire life. But, you did learn a heck of a lot from it, so all the positive fallout probably played a major part in his... switching sides, so to speak.

I was never on Julie's side, I swear.

Listen, I don't care if you say you were or not; you were actively contributing to a negative influence, and anyone who does that is on Julie's side. If you're not with us, you're against us.

That makes sense, considering Jewel's headspace.

Well, no kidding. So I gave him a week to shape up or ship out, and through some sort of bizarre miracle he managed to pull through. Now here he is, ta-da. Brand new paint job.

I don't think I would have made it in time if... if those hacks didn't happen.

Sad but true. They shook us all up.

Why, Leon, how did they affect you?

Well, um, I didn't understand what the problem was with Julie until I saw exactly what she was doing. And I didn't trust Laurie until I saw what she was doing to oppose that... basically it scared me, to see exactly what I would be facing if I stayed, but it scared me even more to think of dying again and not being able to fight that at all.

Plus he has this absolute kickass warping ability, which saved our hides the other night.

It did.

I didn't know I could do that, you know...

So? Lynne didn't know she could create shields until she tried, did she? Lynne?

No, I didn't. I'm sure I could do much more if I put my mind to it, too.

Exactly. You have to try. If you don't at least make an effort, then don't complain when nothing works out for you.

I can attest to that.

Darn straight you can, I would know.

Leon, is there anything else you want to add or do you think we're good for now?

I think we're good for now.

All right. Let me see if there's anything else to-- oh, hey, there's something.

What is it?

Our seventh anniversary is next Thursday.

Oh dude, time flies! Next week already?

Yeah, that's it.

Congratulations, you two.

Hey, don't... don't congratulate us yet, I'm nervous enough the way it is.

Heh, I love how you still get those butterflies after over 2500 days.

I wouldn't say they're butterflies, unless you're making a clever personal reference, in which case they would be. Otherwise I just get... I just get the positive pain thing.

Subaqueous confessions?

Complimentary spectrums and empyreal dissonance alike.

I see one of our past points in there.

In what?

In that poem of yours. You should seriously write another one for next week.

Oh geez, I don't know if I can top that one... um... I guess I can try. I'm more concerned about the artwork that needs to be done, though.

Design fixing, am I right?

You are so right. I swear you are effing gorgeous. If I can get you on paper then we're set.

Aren't we supposed to be having a Xanga session?

Yeah, but this is important too.

Don't give me that look, haha. You two are absolute headcases.

You love us for it.

Darn right I do. Seriously though, is there anything else we need to discuss or should we go straight back to the hacking point?

What about it?

The fact that it's now brutal, stealthy, and way too bloody fast. There's not much we can do to fight off that floozy if she's coming after us with a mask and leaving before we realize what's going on.

I know...

Kid, we all know. Sure, you feel guilty, but you're not the only one. You think I'm proud of not being able to sense these threats? God knows I wish we could just kill that slut already!

I'm trying.

I know. And we're making real progress. But so is she.

This is really tearing me up, Laurie.

It's destroying everyone here, Chaos! This is driving me absolutely insane because we are using all of our bloody resources and that blackhearted bitch is STILL getting through security! I mean, for God's sake, who the hell mindrapes someone when they're asleep and defenseless?! This is freaking SICK!

...Maybe that's why Leon came back?

Hey, that's true. You always say there are no coincidences.

Wh-what? What did I do?

...I think it's more what you're going to do. Seriously, backup is backup, and if you have methods she'll never suspect, then so help me, we'll fight her fire with a freakin' volcano.

But I don't-- I don't know how to fight her! I don't even know what she looks like!

I don't care. That bimbo spends most of her time pretending to be other people anyway. All that matters is that you never let down your guard, you keep your eyes open for anything suspicious or unstable, and don't EVER compromise. That's how she gets in.

I wish we could fix that already, too.

Same.

Then fix it!

I'm trying. It's just very difficult, as sad as that is to say.

Don't worry, kid. After this week, I am not letting you out of my sight for a minute. Leon, if you're around him and I'm nowhere to be seen, FIX that. She knows how to get past you, but she can't get through me.

Didn't she try to hack you the other day, though?

She did try. She bloody well did try. But so help me, she won't get away with that.

I think that's what scares me the most about this.

What, her trying to get to me now?

Yeah... she's attacked Genesis, she's tried to use me, and now she's trying to incapacitate you. I don't know how she's getting this... powerful, really.

She's a direct mirror of our positive potential. The stronger we get, the stronger she gets. And she finds extra power everywhere. It's sick but that's the way it goes.

Why?

Hell if I know. Maybe it's just so we don't lose sight of what we're really living for.

She hasn't gone after Lynne or I though, has she? Why's that?

Geez, man, I don't want her going after either of you anyway, but neither of you spend as much time around J as Chaos and I do. Genesis too, really. She figures that, if she can corrupt the people he's closest to, then bam, there goes the floor!

So it's better if we stay at a distance?

A small one. Stay close enough to help, but don't get as involved as I am unless I give you the green light.

Laurie, I don't think anyone can top your involvement even if they tried.

What, even you?

Yeah, even me. Admit it; you don't have the extra ties that I do, and for whatever reason, we both know that he lets you get closer because of it.

I don't think it's a matter of extra ties, Chaos. We just have different sorts.

Yeah, the both of you really have the same amount of strings.

Heh, good to know.

You know what, Laurie, I think there's much more to you than I've ever realized.

Really now?

Yeah... I was thinking about the whole Virtue/Vice correspondence of you guys, and--

Wait, what's this now? Headvoices don't have V/Vs, do they?

Not in the J-Monster aspect, no, but I think they do carry certain aspects regardless. I mean, if you think about it, it's almost shockingly obvious. Julie is Lust, Jessica was Sloth, Missy is Greed, Bridget is Pride...

Wow, that... actually works.

And that weird manic red voice that attacked me in 2008 would be Wrath. I really hope she never comes back.

Then watch your red temper. Leon had a longer life than she did at first, but man, whoever she was, I do not want her around.

I don't either.

So... if those guys have vices, then do we have virtues or what?

Yeah, but I'm having a bit of trouble figuring out which ones. I'm going by the 7 Heavenly Virtues, to correspond with the Deadly Sins, so.

Wait, then who has Gluttony and Envy?

No one that I'm aware of, and I hope it stays that way. I remember Gluttony was forming a few years back, but we managed to fix that situation before they could personify.

Keep it that way.

I know.

And you've never had a problem with Envy, so that's one vice we might not have to worry about fighting.

True... I hope not.

What are the 7 Heavenly Virtues, though?

Chastity, Temperance, Charity, Diligence, Patience, Humility, and Kindness. Out of those, Leon is definitely Temperance, and Natalie was most likely Kindness, so...

What would I be?

Jo, you'd be Diligence, as you're always so determined in seeking the truth. You don't like it when anyone slacks off. As for Lynne, I'm not sure what you'd be... I think Humility works, as you've never shown an ounce of arrogance that I'm aware of.

Thank you.

The other ones are what's odd, though. I think Spine is Patience.

What? Spine? I thought she was negative!

Only because she applies to my self-image. But, considering the battle we've been fighting concerning that, I think Patience is a fitting virtue for her.

Huh. That is interesting.

I know. So I'm going to see if I can find her and talk to her soon, and maybe get her on our side. She's never really seemed to be 'affiliated' with anyone, but considering what Laurie said earlier... allies are allies.

True.

Who's Spine?

Spine is this... really weird looking creature that's up here with us. I've never really called her a 'headvoice' because she's never actively spoken to anyone, but she is definitely around, and she definitely has an important influence on me regardless.

Wait, Spine isn't humanoid?

She is, but only in shape. She looks like a monster or demon more than anything... but she's all skeleton. There isn't an ounce of skin on her.

Whoa.

I've seen her. She's seriously creepy. You sure you can get her to sympathize with us?

Considering the fact that Julie doesn't care whether anyone but herself benefits from her actions? Sure. Remember, we all bleed together, and I'm sure Spine is feeling more than she lets on, what with her inexplicable connection to my physical self.

So that leaves... two virtues unassigned. Chastity and Charity.

Laurie, I think those are yours.

Heh.

Both of them? Seriously?

Come on guys, she's Julie's biggest enemy, and can't be hacked as far as we can tell, which automatically gives her Chastity... and as for Charity, I think I can attest to that one.

Still, two virtues?

I think she deserves them.

Laurie, you are being frighteningly quiet.

Just letting the kid talk is all.

But... that's what I meant about there being more to you than you let on. I mean, really, no one but me would ever put your name next to the virtue of Charity, but it fits.

Don't judge a book by it's cover, that's what I always say.

I know. Still, it's interesting to think about, considering how I've known you for four years now.

You've known Chaos for 7 years and you don't know everything about him either.

Sure, but geez, you know more about him than I do, even with a three year time gap.

Hm.

Well, you do.

I didn't say I didn't.

So, um... anything else you guys want to cover, again? Or is that it for today.

I think we're good. You guys can go.

Who, us?

Yeah. You and Lynne take Leon and keep an eye out for any warning signs. Fill him in on anything he's missed, too.

Kay, see you.

All right, if you say so.

I, uh, thanks. I'll help as much as I can.

You'd better. See you guys later.

Laurie?

Yeah?

You don't... seem like yourself.

What, 'cause I'm not freakin' swearing? Am I not allowed to show another side of my personality every now and then? Geez, Chaos. Come on.

No, it's not that. You just... when Jewel started talking about how he felt there was more to you than you let on, you pretty much just stopped talking.

I'm allowed to be silent.

That's not what I mean. I mean it seems like you are hiding something.

Maybe I am. Maybe I don't exactly feel comfortable discussing that with everyone in the room.

But they're headvoices too?

Doesn't matter, not with this. Sure, I care about them, but you two are different. You're not just co-workers or siblings. I trust you a hell of a lot more than I do them.

Seriously?

Yeah, seriously. Why else do you think I don't bring Josephina when we're discussing hacks? Why do you think we're the only people around when we're trying to keep things together? This is different. We all might bleed together in the community sense, but when it gets down to the blood and bones themselves, it's just the three of us whose hearts are aching from all the hell Julie keeps putting us through. Chaos is right; it's not about seniority, and it's not about job status either. This is about something far more important than either of those aspects will ever be, and so help me God, but I won't lose this if it kills me.

...Guess Jewel was right.

Don't give me that, of course he is. He knows that. You remember when we used to be the only ones talking here, right?

Yeah. I miss that, actually.

It's because of those that we have what we have. It wasn't until Chaos decided to see me as more than an axe-swinging maniac that he realized it either.

But... I always trusted you. Even when it was only me. Even when you still hated me.

That's my bloody point. That's the connection I'm talking about. It's not something you can predict or measure. It's also why I was so freakin' paranoid when Leon showed up, because you said you couldn't identify with him.

I'm starting to warm up to him a little more now.

Sure, but you will never have with him what you do with me, and the same goes for Lynne and Josephina.

So, uh... then what does it mean when J says that he feels he doesn't entirely know you?

He doesn't. I've been one secretive sonofagun since 2006. Jewel tells me every bloody detail of his life, pun intended, and sure, I'll listen and help him as well as I possibly can, but do I ever tell him that much about myself in return? Heck no. So he's not going to know as much as he can, but that's not his fault.

Why are you so secretive, then? Not that I'm complaining, but I'm curious.

Because no one ever cared but you. Not when everything started out. It wasn't even until late 2009 that Chaos even considered that 'hey, maybe that violet brute isn't so bad after all!' I was alone, just like you. But... I never really told you much. I'm sorry about that, kid, but it was for your own good.

How so?

Come on... if I told you every last detail about me, then all the more power to Julie. How the hell else do you think she used to disguise as Chaos? That satanic slut USED the both of you, used everything she could find!! She doesn't know a bloody thing about me and I hope to keep it that way. I'm sorry. If we can ever defeat her, if we can ever freaking kill that demon, then maybe I'll tell you. Until then... this is all you get.

Damn, Laurie, you're a lot deeper than I thought you were.

What, did you think I was one-dimensional or something? I'm not a figment, and neither are you. Watch your mouth, by the way. I'm the only one with swearing rights.

Yeah, I know. Sorry...

No problem. The figment comment kind of hurt, huh?

...

Thought it would. Needed to be said, though.

Laurie, um...

What?

...I don't know. I'm just really sad again is all.

Well, I can understand why.

Hey, life's tough. We've got a new therapist coming up on Monday. If that goes well, then great. If it doesn't, then we'll just find another one. We can't give up, or we'll lose for sure.

I noticed you've been saying that a lot.

'Don't give up?' It's true. Once you stop caring about something, or stop doing anything about it, then hell, you've lost all chances of ever winning. I've said many times that I'll fight until the day I die and I mean that.

And I don't want you to die, either.

Kid, God willing we'll all go down together. I don't think any of us want to see each other die.

Geez, never.

And we've come close...

Yeah. Too close.

...

Nng, I don't know if I can handle this disconnect much longer.

Which one?

The big one. The inner-outer conflict. The reason why I can't stand mirrors.

I still say you should get a mask like we originally planned to.

Yeah, I think so too...

Are you doing all right?

See, I think that's the problem. I always say 'yes and no,' but... well, I always have these hacking problems to worry about, but then I have you guys, so... so I don't know.

You're doing just well enough.

I suppose so... I just love you guys so much...

I know.

...

I just... I want to be me, and that's it. I want to be true on the outside for once. I'm sick and tired of people telling me what I can and cannot be, just because I don't fit their preconceived or programmed notions of something. And I'm never going to escape that, that I know for sure... but that doesn't change me. That doesn't change what's real and right. I just want to... to live, for once in my life.

Kid, if I could help you achieve that, I'd do it in a heartbeat.

I know you would.

I'm with the blue guy.

Man... is it weird that, no matter how badly this hurts, I look for it?

We just discussed this, you tragic maniac. You run on heartache.

Heh, yeah, I guess so. It's sad though.

Beautiful melodies telling you terrible things, is it?

Mm-hm.

...Man, it's times like this I regret my decision the most...

What do you mean?

Keeping silent.

Laurie, I think you're more tragic than you let on, too.

Well no kidding, Chaos! You're in the same boat, if you forgot.

No, I didn't forget that. I couldn't possibly forget it.

Failure, Catharsis and Chaos, huh?

That's one heck of a trio.

Except Vices have to fight their attributes, so...

Victory, Catharsis and Creation.

I like that.

Catharsis hurts both ways, I suppose.

It does.

Laurie, if you ever get a Jewel Form, I swear it would be the coolest thing ever.

Nah, man, you're at least 500 times cooler than I am already.

Aw, that's not true. You're both awesome.

Hey, stupid question.

Yeah?

Is this that Vitas guy you're listening to right now?

Yep... 'Angel Without A Wing.' Beautiful stuff, isn't it?

I want to know why you've had this one song of his on loop for the past two days, though. You don't do that unless it means something. Give me the lyrics.

What, right here?

Sure, we have time to spare. I'd rather talk as long as possible anyway.

Okay, um... "I am returning to my childhood. I see the days flying back. I am breaking my heart; it is painful to walk all alone. I am like an angel without a wing. Why did you hurt me? Among the stars, the flows of tears were blown away by the wind. Though there are shivers on my skin, my tears are glittering with light. You should know I'll remain the same - A pure angel from heaven. I am like an angel without a wing. Why did you hurt me? Among the stars, the flows of tears were blown away by the wind."

Told you it was relevant.

That's... geez, kid, how do you find songs that fit your life so well?

Hey, no coincidences.

None at all.

Laurie, um, do you want to keep talking or what?

That depends, why?

Because it's already 6PM and I only have three hours before I need to sleep, so I'd like to maybe get some typing or sketching in.

Sketching. If you sketch, I'll let you close this up.

I know it's tough, but maybe if you start off slow again, we can get this fixed.

Oh yeah, and 'Green Eyes' by Coldplay.

What?

Fits. The lyrics, rather. It's like a sequel to 'Living.'

Oh, dude, Jewel told me about that! Is it really that bad?

"Green eyes, you're the one that I wanted to find; and anyone who tried to deny you must be out of their mind..." yeah, it's that bad.

Wow. That's... wow. That's actually kind of hilarious.

Guys?

Yeah, sketching. Get to it. You have an actual deadline this time, remember.

I'm still trying to wrap my mind around that. Seven years.

They've been a really important seven years, you know.

Yeah, I do. I do.

Rifle recoil.

Ffff--- don't go there, kid, not while we're online.

Heheheh!

Watch out, Laurie, or I'll get you too.

He will. This kid knows his way around.

Believe me, I know it.

Should we take bets on how long it's going to take to close up this time?

I think that's more of Leon's thing.

True that!

Well, I have 35 seconds left on this song, so...

Oh shoot, we need a good closing line in 20 seconds. Chaos?

What, what am I going to say?

See you next week?

Same time, same channel.

That is way too accurate.

SESSION PARTICIPANTS

LAURIE UBERICH

JEWEL LIGHTRAYE

LYNNE STABELLE

CHAOS ZERO

VEZERAI

Well, Laurie, here we are.

Heck yes! Let's get this done so you can finish that crazy work of yours.

It might take a while, though. I'm talking to Mel right now and praying that they're doing better.

Wait wait wait, this is about Mel? Is that what you meant? What the hell is going on?

They're... seeing bloody things. They said they feel 'toxic' and are hearing voices like me.

...Geez. That's... not good. The last thing they need is a Laurie in their head.

That's what I said. I mean-- wait, you're not a bad thing.

Only because you got to know me, boy. You remember what it was like after I got out of that mirror... I hated you. I bloody well hated you, and nothing was going to change that. Thank God I was wrong.

Do you think maybe Mel's voices are like you in that way, then?

What, in that they might actually hate Mel? There's a good chance they might. Most voices I know are like that.

Lynne's not.

Lynne and Natalie are different; they're not voices. They're fragments. Lynne is the 'adult lifestyle' and Natalie is childhood naivete; two parts of yourself you don't understand anymore. You formed them; they didn't just shove an axe through the door frame like I did.

Lynne did just show up.

Because you completely dissociated yourself from your age back then, remember? You were standing in the back of that church and you were scared out of your fractured mind. For all technical purposes you were nothing but a frightened child, faced with some unknown horror that was about to slice your stomach open.

You.

Inevitably. And that's when your lost confidence stood up to me.

That I did.

Aha, and wouldn't you know it! How are you, my old friend?

Confused, for one. I'm not sure why you want me in here.

We need help. Thought maybe you could give some.

Well, I'll do my best. Jewel, are you okay? You don't look well.

In the grand scheme of things, I'm alright. It's not me I'm worried about.

You're always like that, Jewel.

Pfhahah! She got you good!

Eh, maybe, but the point still stands. We're here because my good friend Mel might be falling into a destructive headvoice situation or the like. I want to prevent that, so I'm gathering up you guys for insight.

Ahem.

Oh, yeah. Sorry. Hold on one moment...

What you listening to?

Fat Jon. Good thinking music. I, uh... hope you don't mind.

Hello.

Hey. Nah, I've gotten used to her.

Seriously? Hah, that's a shocker!

It is!

And, um, we have a new guy.

...

Ohoho, dude. Hello there.

You're not--?

Nah, we're not here to pick your brain, boy. We just need your... expertise, how you say.

On what? I don't even know you.

Heh, lucky. Name's Laurie. I'm Jewel's superego; kind of like a chronically censorious conscience.

But I thought superegos were just psychological concepts.

Yeah, most are. I'm just a lucky concept that became personified.

Vez, I thought you were terrified of psychology?

Only when it applies to analyzing me. It's better to know what I'm up against regardless.

Good point.

Well guys, let's get to work. As you may or may not know, a beloved friend of mine is having some trouble with disturbing hallucinations and headvoices. The last thing I want is for them to go through something like my 2008, so I hoped that we could work out a plan of action, or even just some advice as to what they or I should do.

What are you hoping for though, love? We can't exactly quiet their own voices.

No, but maybe we can help them manage them. You all know what Laurie was like before I befriended her.

I do indeed.

Heh...

Laurie's the... purple one, right?

Yeah, that's me. I used to be a throat-slicing, skull-splitting scourge.

Oh.

She still is sometimes.

True, but at least she's not inherently malicious now. She used to function purely on violent vengeance and hate. I don't know what's driving Mel's voices, if anything, but if it's as negative as that then I need to help them face those voices.

Can you, though? There's not much we can do outside of their own mind.

It's better to try than to just stand around helplessly.

Jewel's right. I would have never, ever stabilized if I didn't have others helping me.

You think Mel needs a Dev or a Prelude to help?

Well, I daresay Q's their peace-bringer already... I don't know if I'd fit Dev's role though.

That person's not like me; that's not going to work. They need their own people. Not mine.

Vez, don't panic. I'm just using it as an example. I apologize.

You don't know what Mel needs.

I'm trying to figure that out, Lynne.

Can you? Should you?

Please, Lynne, don't shoot me down here. I'm desperate already.

I'm not shooting you down, Jewel. I'm just trying to be logical. Your solutions may not be their solutions by a long shot.

Alright, excuse me Lynne, but shut up.

What?

Just shut up, okay? My boy's breaking his heart over this and all you can say is 'this might not work at all!' We bloody KNOW that, alright? We're just trying our best in spite of it, because hell, we might succeed after all. If you're going to drag us down, you can just as easily get up and leave.

I'm not trying to offend anyone, but I'm sorry if you took it that way.

Ffh.

Guys, let's back this up. Jewel, just be there for Mel if nothing else.

I am, I am... but after I almost lost Dori TWICE when I could have done something, I am not going to risk losing Mel to a hell I've barely survived myself, so help me God.

I don't blame you.

I understand. I just want you to realize that this may be entirely out of our hands.

I'm still going to take a shot. I have to. I care too much.

Mm... In that case, I'll support you without further comment. I have to admire your determination.

Geez Lynne, when did you get so... I don't know, Vulcan-esque?

I have to be the voice of reason. Jewel and Laurie are both incredibly volatile.

Doesn't mean you have to be so bloody emotionless about it.

Laurie, I-- I'm just speaking the truth.

Whatever.

Lynne, don't let her bug you. I appreciate your warning and I know it's true, but Laurie's being just as honest. We're taking this chance.

What are we doing first then? What do you need my 'expertise' for?

Well Vez, you've been through more than all of us combined, and personally I find that you and I are creepily alike sometimes.

Uh-huh.

So maybe you'd understand the hallucinating and hearing voices.

I don't hear voices, Jewel, you do. And I only hallucinate because of my PTSD.

Yeah, but I have no idea what that's like.

It's awful.

I imagine it would be..

You know what? You were saying something about Mel seeing 'bloody things.' The hell does that mean?

From what I gather, they're hitting edges of a 'Johnny phase' here and there.

Oh geez. In that case, Jewel, I don't think any of us are going to be much help. You're the only one of us with doughboys and nailbunnies.

What's a 'Johnny phase?'

It's my term for a phase when one becomes uncharacteristically violent or 'unhinged.' You remember I was in one of those for a long time in 2008.

Is that when you started absorbing Laurie?

It sure is. That was a living hell. I swear, if you do that again--

Cross my heart, Laur, I won't. I'm over the phases... I just don't want Mel to fall into one.

How do we stop that though? Like I said, Jewel, you're the only one who knows what that's like.

I have... 'phases.'

Oh dude, he's right. Heck, I AM a 'phase'! And Chaos--

I get it, I get it.

So all your 'Johnny phases' are caused by personalities other than yourself?

That seems to be the gist of it, yes.

Is that what you think Mel is dealing with?

I don't know. Maybe. Even if they don't have any 'personalities' in their mind, they could have something on the verge of turning into one. They said so themself, that the voices they hear are becoming 'more than voices' now. Maybe we can stop that, like we stopped that weird red voice that attacked me with a razor that one time, thanks to those being huge triggers.

I remember that.

I bloody HATED her.

What was she supposed to represent, anyway?

I think mania, like Jessica used to be depression. They're both dead now though.

So are Brianne and Missy.

Brittany, Bridget, whatever the hell she decided her name was at the moment. Haven't seen the queen bitch very often lately either, thank GOD.

I'm fighting her nonstop, Laur.

I don't understand why you still need to fight her. I thought she had nothing left to fight you with?

Oh, she finds ways. She's trying to use my kids now.

What?

Yeah, she stopped the doppelganger thing and is now creating awful false scenarios with my kids. I ignore her but I can't ignore what she's doing.

All right, that is way out of line.

It's straight-up demonic. Next time I see her she is losing her whorish face.

Calm down about that for now guys, please. I'm winning against her now and the Care Bear army is helping too. She's still my #1 problem, but this isn't about me. This is about keeping a friend from being trapped in something like this.

True... I'm still shaking, though.

Sweetheart, I'll stop her. Don't lose it.

I'll try.

Give me something else to think about, please. I'm absolutely seething right now.

Well, I figure I should currently focus on helping Mel keep those voices quiet, however that's possible. I don't know. Lynne, I know this isn't completely out of my hands, but it's tough.

I understand.

That's kind of why I called you all here. I don't know what to do, and I'm desperate. I just want to help Mel.

If you need me for anything you can always ask.

Thanks, Vez.

I heard something about a fox?

...Yeah, Mel's seeing this fox with a top hat. I think he might be the key to this, especially because he apparently hasn't quit even when Mel said the other hallucinations/etc. have died down.

Why, do you think he's the 'headvoice' behind the phases?

I have no idea. It scares me, though, because Mel said that he "knows how to solve this, but he enjoys seeing my pain." That made me think of the old Laurie.

...Yeah, you're right.

If Mel knows the fox can solve this, maybe they just need to talk to him.

It's not that easy, though. He's constantly running from them and mocking them. They haven't been able to even come near to catching him.

That's not good at all.

I know... Laurie was at least right there, close enough to touch if she wasn't busy burying an axe in my face.

That fox is definitely one of us, though. How do you catch a fox?

You set traps.

But how do you trap a fox you can't even get close to?

Send something faster after it?

Maybe. Just maybe.

That could potentially make things much worse.

That's why we need to be careful. Mel isn't me; we may be similar but their situation here is still different in it's own important ways.

But Mel still needs to catch that bloody fox.

You think so?

Lynne, it's the only option I can think of. If it knows the answers, hunt it down and make it talk.

Resorting to violence might not be the best plan of action, Laurie..

Oh, shut up. You know what I mean.

What do you think it knows?

Only Mel knows that.

Geez this is frustrating. We're going in freakin' loops.

I think we should leave it be for now, Jewel. Tell Mel what we think and let them make the decisions for themself. Ultimately, they're the only one who can conquer their problems.

True, but remember how Q helped me, and how Dev helped Vez. Without a major force of beneficial interest standing by, the fight's going to be a heck of a lot harder, maybe even impossible.

Mel doesn't have to worry about that, then.

No, thank God. They have Q and I, and hopefully others that they may not have even realized are there yet.

Guess that's all we can do for today, then.

I'm sorry I couldn't help much.

Vez, don't say that. You were a huge help.

Yeah man, you hit on some serious points. Jewel knew what he was doing bringing you here.

...Thank you.

Speaking of, thank you too, Lynne. I apologize for that mess that went on earlier.

Don't be sorry; it was my fault as well. I should have been more considerate.

Hey, at least it all worked out okay in the end.

You are such a crazy optimist.

I try.

This conversation over then?

I suppose so, why?

You have work to do, boy!

Oh geez you're right I do.

Haha, what in the world is on your to-do list now?

Jewel Monster element/attribute cataloguing. It's a LOT of work but it's awesome.

And if you don't get the hell to it I swear I will hire Revenge to do my job.

Don't hire him, he's evil.

You're being unusually pushy about Jewel's work today, Laurie. Any reasons?

Yeah, it's my bloody job to make him feel guilty for slacking off HIS job. Get to work!

I have to admit, Laurie is right. You do need to make a lot of progress on your series yet.

Part Twelve.

Pfhahahaha!

All right, all right, I'll get off and get to work. Thanks for helping, you guys.

You're welcome.

I'm glad I was able to help. I admit I miss being part of this group.

You know you do!

I, um... I love you, Chaos.

I love you too, you crazy kid. Get some sleep tonight, alright?

Yeah, you rocked out enough yesterday. Screwed up my entire freaking schedule.

Sorry.

Weren't we supposed to finish this way back there...?

Yes.

Sorry.

You guys are the worst at finishing conversations.

Okay then, you close this one up.

Already did!

Oh, my poor misguided child.
Sleep, why don't you sleep?
Do you still fear you memories,
The secrets that you keep?

Lynne, my dear, the answer's yes.
I'm terrified of me.
This devil ravaging my soul--
She just won't let me be.

My dearest child, you have to fight.
Your heart is far too strong
For any danger, day or night
To keep you in the wrong.

I'm trying, Lynne, but it's so hard
She cuts me to the bone.
I try not to let down my guard
But I can't win alone.

You're not alone, dear child. Each night
I will be here, and Laurie too.
And God has sent you angels bright
In aqua, violet, gold and blue.

Yes, Lynne, you'll all be at my side
Heart and body, soul and mind
I'll pray for God to be my guide
And hope salvation we shall find.

So sleep, poor child, for angels weep
When you feel lost beneath the moon.
The soul is infinitely deep
Your absolution will come soon.

Thank you, Lynne, for all you've said.
Together we will surely win.
Though Julie wants to see us dead
I swear I will not fall to sin.

Don't give up
Don't lose your light.
Please keep smiling, Jewel.
Good night.

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dec 15 2015
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sep 11 2015
a man among amens
headspace images 2013
dec 10
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everything is beautiful (PART TWO)
everything is beautiful (PART ONE)
dying to live
to conquer all
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Page generated Jul. 12th, 2025 04:31 am

the spectrum heart cathedral system

a prism of souls

Entries tagged with author:lynne

dec 15 2015

suddenly

sep 11 2015

a man among amens

headspace images 2013

dec 10

ghjkdfjk

042013

everything is beautiful (PART TWO)

everything is beautiful (PART ONE)

dying to live

to conquer all

if i'm ever blue

lucky sevens

point of no return

broken brains

crimson

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June 2025

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