prismaticbleed | Entries tagged with level: underground

JUNE 2013

This is what the Black section of headspace should look like.
One day I will make it so.

-Infinitii

This setup is very similar to our meeting space in Central (especially those huge windows).

This is essentially what Central looks like right now (during the lockout).
Obviously, this is not good news.

This image, right here, is disturbingly similar to how Jay looks when he slips way too far... dripping tar and broken rainbows alike.

I have dreams about hallways like this all the time... these empty, long, quiet white things. They're usually in hospitals or abandoned schools.

I dream about running down winding stairs almost every night though. Sometimes I jump over the railings to go down a floor or two. I'm usually in a hurry.
I'm still not sure what those dreams mean.

Churches, cathedrals, basilicas, etc. are sacrosanct locations in our inner world, and are strongly tied to B/W energy.
(Leon also has an inexplicable ability to "warp" between them, which has saved our hides on numerous occasions.)
This one, with its arches and intricacy, looks like one of Infinitii's places.

Places that remind me of the past... a long, long time ago, on a night with rainbows.

This also feels like both Parnassus and Oneircia, for entirely different reasons... still fitting, I'd say.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

JULY 2013

There is a stairway like this, somewhere, leading down to the League Link Room. That's all we really know.
It's probably the most difficult location to find or access in headspace; Jay has been there only once. But with its obviously astronomical significance, that's not surprising.

For some reason, the insides of holy buildings like this feel so much like home to me. I've never been able to explain it.
It's not "home" in the way a household is-- it doesn't have that sense of "comfort" and domestic security that most people like but that makes me nervous. I wouldn't 'live' in a church!
But, in basilicas and temples and churches, I feel at home, which I DON'T get in houses. It's why my personal locations in headspace always reflect buildings of this sort, instead of actual living quarters. It feels like a spiritual thing. I like that. I'll have to keep it in mind, filed away in an important little place, out in the open. Just so I never forget to look at it and remember.

Gloucester Cathedral.

The parts of headspace we call "underground" (not the Tar Room; that's floating now thanks to Infi) look almost exactly like that first photo... just a little darker is all.
_{(The second one looks a lot like Genesis' Cathedral, too, now that I think about it.)}

This feels like swimming to the mainland from the beach in Central Headspace… except that there weren’t any mountains in the background back when I last swam there!

More city views that reminds me of headspace.
I’m so glad we’re getting more trees up here; after the Scratch most of the vegetation died for a while.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

AUG 2013

This: my face whenever my boss doffs his cap and leaves for the night. He’s such a sweetheart.

_{Which reminds me, I’m late for work!}

Nothingness, nowhere, emptiness... it's all incredibly comforting to me and I can't put the reason for that into words.

No one I've met outside has ever understood that. "Doesn't that scare you? How could you possibly like the idea of oblivion?"
But I do. I love it.
When I was younger, it didn't scare me so much as it reduced me to silent, humble awe. I remember leaning backwards out of car windows, looking up at the featureless blue sky, and wondering what it would be like, if that blue went on forever? Then I'd wonder, what does forever feel like? What does the end of time feel like? What does it feel like, to stop existing? And I'd ponder those thoughts until I knew and the floor dropped out of the world and nothing felt real anymore.

But I loved it. I still do. I think part of me always will.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

NOV 2013

Snow is one of the most potent, powerful forms of both absolution and purification for us. Our original host grew up in a woods that resembled this almost exactly in the winter, and the invariable, unbreakable safety and magic that it brought with it has stayed with us even now.
Jay has most of his memories attached to snow, as well as his identity anchor. Both Genesis and Mr. Sandman are tied to snow as personal symbols. And for even those of us who have never seen real snow before, being far too young in manifestation, we too can easily feel the all-embracing comfort of that delicate, quiet ice.
Winter is our favorite season. This photo perfectly captures why.

The skyline of Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia.

This view, with the glowing streets, hanging mists and iridescent sky, is reminiscent of the view from Central HQ in our headspace.
The biggest difference is that our city is mostly crystal, not steel, and our sky is almost always late-night as well, swimming with stars and galaxies.

The Basilica of the National Shrine of the Immaculate Conception, in Washington D.C.
This area of the Basilica is almost identical to Infinitii's personal 'floating' locations in headspace. His iterations of it are notably lacking in color-- they're mostly stark white, black, and silver-- but the warmth, light, and sense of quiet sacredness remains the same.

We visited this actual place twice when the body was a teenager, and it resonated with us so strongly that its aesthetic style permanently affected that of similar areas in our inner realms.

The Sofitel Brisbane Central Hotel, in Australia.
Despite being part of the building's lounge bar, this specific shot is one of the closest architectural likenesses we've found to Central's Meeting Room in headspace.
In headspace, this is where the core-color holders meet most often, and it is also the default location for all our Xanga sessions.

The Lotus Temple in New Delhi, India.
This is the only structure in the world that resembles the most holy place in our headspace, the eponymous Blood Lotus Cathedral.
Discovered in 2011, it is the core of our entire inner world, tied to the deepest and most volatile energies, as well as the cores of our System (Jay and Infinitii).
Unlike this Temple, however, the BLC is made of what looks like porcelain or opaque glass, all white and smooth. Originally it was located next to a red ocean in 'floating space,' but it has since been moved to the middle of Central City itself.
The BLC is also an unending source of inner relevance and symbolism, that we often don't understand until months later.

Ettal Abbey, in Germany.
I didn't realize it until now, but Infinitii has a room inside his bubblespace that looks almost EXACTLY like this! Trees and lights and all!
The only difference is that instead of church pews, the floor is mostly bright green grass and small meandering streams, with little deep pools here and there (mostly near the walls). The rivers might be barely 30cm deep in the shallow parts, but the pools could be as deep as 5 meters, from what I've seen!
So with all the water, the spots of grass and trees look almost like islands, especially since the ground is not level (it's all little sloping hills mostly, very pretty). But on some of those little hills there are holy shrines and baldachin altars and things, and since the whole area is inside of a church-like building, it feels pretty mystical.
I remember I went there once with Laurie and Knife, after a therapy session; it was the first time I'd seen it and it was gorgeous. We all felt really safe there.

This fictional landscape by David Edwards looks almost EXACTLY like the room we found hidden below the Razor Spire in headspace, back in 2012. I've been calling it the "mirror oasis room" thanks to that pool of water in the center.
We haven't been there since-- that entire freaky area was assumedly destroyed when the BLC was moved-- but I'll never forget what it felt like there.
Here. let me copy-paste a bit from that meditation log for context.

"...it was stone white, full of vegetation, i think butterflies too. there was a huge tree in front of us and instead of a dropoff in the middle, there was a large rectangular pool of water, perfectly still. we... walked onto the grassy area with the tree, i realized our footsteps were leaving glows, mine were white i think? laurie's were violet, leon's were dark blue, etc... i walked over to the lake and knelt by it, looking down into it, and suddenly it 'warped' somehow and became more like a mirror, although it wasn't reflecting? and it began to talk to me...then it turned back into water and something floated up to me, it was a silver-gold helmet, like an angel helmet..."

So yes, you can see why that location was so important. Most things in headspace are.
We've since tied this room to Infinitii as well, and in light of our previous post, you can likely see why.
_{(I wonder, if the Razor Spire was truly destroyed, did this place change and move into his bubble? We should check that out guys.)}

this looks way too much like the tar/plague rooms below headspace
(if you cannot tell we do not like those places they are scary)

This photo I found looked so much like Lynne, I had to edit it to match her as closely as possible.
Lynne has been around since early 2008, and she's always been a peacemaker... but she's just as badass as Laurie, and that's saying something. Not only that, but she's got this really cool ability to create any sort of protective phenomena within headspace-- which saved our hides on several occasions back during the warring years.

Tonight's been weird and I feel rather lost, but Lynne always reminds me of violins and warm silence and autumn, and even if those memories aren't mine the aura of stability around them helps a lot.
Just saying, I'm very thankful for her. We all are.
I'm sorry I don't actively appreciate you more, Lynne.

-Jay
_{(slipping badly, and Laurie isn't happy about that, but it's still mostly me)}

(112613)

This is Laurie.
Usually I only post on my own page, but for heaven's sake Jay, go to sleep. Go to work for the night and stop numbing your broken head with repetitive nonsense. It ain't gonna work, kid.

Listen, I'm here for you, we all are. Just stop running from us and TALK to us for once, I swear, it's not as scary as you somehow manage to convince yourself it is on nights like this.
Not all of us are dangerous, and I swear on my life, I will not harm a single hair on your body, ever, for the rest of my existence, if it will get you out of this empty state of yours. If that will convince you that it's safe up here, maybe not entirely but it is SAFE with us, then I will do that. I will do anything. I'll give up anything. You know that.

Go to sleep. Talk to your boss. Say hi to Infi for me.
When I see you in the morning I want you to be smiling, you hear me?

Love you, kid. Cheer the heck up. You'll be okay. I promise you that.

_{#i hate that i have to write something like this #but if it helps i'll do this #jay we do need to talk}

(112613)

My birthplace.

Although this photo wasn't taken by us, it is dated shortly after I first physically appeared in the System-- which, as you may have guessed, was at this very location. (And during a violin concert, which is why I love those so much!)
You've gotta thank Laurie for that, though. If she hadn't been causing so much trouble, I wouldn't have had to show up in the first place. ;p

Since then, I've been keeping everyone on track, and reminding everyone that they're not as messed-up as they seem to think they are.
I guess I was the first "positive" voice in the entire System, which is a little shocking. My role was always to keep the peace, to offer support, and to help others with their goals and ambitions.
I was even a sort of personification of "hope," for a while; the old Jewel said I represented an ideal future she could never have. And that was true... she's dead now, but I'm still here. I guess in a way, I'll always remember that. She felt incapable of being the mature, self-assured woman that I was, for many reasons, but she still looked up to me, and valued my presence. That meant a lot to me even then.
I still wish she had been able to believe in herself more, but at least now, I can help many others towards that end without wondering if they're going to die on me. Well... at least most of the time. (And Laurie backs me up on that.)

I love this picture though. Even if my first and only experience there was a little violent, it was the first time I'd ever experienced anything. So I really love this place, and I'm thankful that I can call it "home" here, if only in a little sense.

All right, I'm gonna put tons of lanterns upstairs somewhere. Tons of 'em. Gonna find all the dark spots up here and leave these things there instead. They're pretty cool if I do say so myself.
Don't mind me, I'm just sick of seeing people depressed as death again and if I need to be the sole person leaving light everywhere then so be it.
-Laurie

_{#ONE DAY #mark my words #oh hey maybe THAT'S what I can do with my axe #note to self: do the lantern thing #get jo to help #tell infi not to eat them #you know the drill #also NO JAY I'M NOT DEAD}

Lynne, Laurie and I (Jay) are looking at awesome interior design stuff, and upon seeing this one, Lynne said it looked like a hotel. Well, in response, Laurie said:
"Probably is a hotel, looks pretty high-class... freakin' shiny floors..."

I don't know why I found that so hilarious but I did, so there you go.

_{(edit: the "shiny floors" thing is now an injoke thanks to how the rest of the night went, haha)}

Now this is what the sky of Central City looks like most of the time!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

DEC 2013

Steven Morgana,
Beauty is in the Eye of the Collective, 2011

one of our favorite photos of all time, for obvious reasons.

It’s like this for us, within the System. We all bandage each others wounds— protectors guard the children, healers care for the traumatized, and so on.
If we didn’t have such compassion within, we’d have shattered to pieces many years ago.

Stream-of-consciousness entry for today as a LOT happened, since we were out of the house.

- shopping day, started out hilariously. we ended up talking about those "novi stars" dolls some young social got obsessed with the other day, I said I did love vera tabray's design, but the fashion-centered personality she apparently had didn't sit well with me? laurie asked me to explain that, but as I did, she retorted every line with a totally different perspective that made me realize I was actually being very judgmental, and kind of shallow; who cares if vera loved fashion, that was her choice, and it didn't make her (or anyone else) less of a person. that was humbling, I sincerely apologized, i didn't realize i was doing that. laurie said to be careful and not judge people just because I couldn't understand them from my own immediate viewpoint; if that happened again, she said, go and tell her about it and she'd help open my eyes, as she always did. but yeah, the reason that worked is because vera is a very fashion-conscious alien, but I forgot that laurie unironically thinks fashion is awesome. she said jo got her to appreciate it at first, but only he is actually interested in buying stuff-- laurie only likes the aesthetics, and actually has a great eye for it. anyway we then called jo in to continue the line of thought, jo got really excited about the dolls (he said they were super adorable), said he'd love to have one if he could find one he resonated with. I know at some point waldorf snuck in to see what jo was up to, she started teasing him about mlp ponies again (she wants him to get one to match hers), really we were all cracking up at this point. the funniest bit to me was that I had the novi stars jingle stuck in my head, jo started trying to hum it, laurie said she was going to figure out the words specifically to troll me with it.

- we had to stop at several places today, for price checks, groceries, and the like, so we had to manage our time very carefully. genesis was hanging out with me in the car, because I refused to put music on as I knew it would make me dissociate. I know we stopped at the local walmart first, because we walked down the toiletries aisle and I saw a sign that said "razors." well sure enough, razor tried to front, asking "why are they selling razors here?" mulberry and knife tried to explain that some humans used them to cut hair on their face, but razor was baffled by that because all the scruffy-faced men upstairs don't shave, and why would you use a razor to cut hair anyway? so that was rather amusing.

- about an hour later, we were stopping in another wal-mart for a price comparison, but we were getting VERY switchy due to the typical overload of being in public places (honestly we can't stay out for more than 3 hours or we become incapable of functioning). so whoever was fronting decided to call JAVIER to front, as he is awesome at grounding. so we managed to quickly find him and he took over for a bit. for a second he didn't know what he was doing-- there's an image flash of him standing in an aisle and saying "I literally have no idea what this stuff is even for"-- but immediately "george" spoke up and gave him the gist of things, telling him to just follow his lead as far as directions went. I don't know how long javier fronted, due to the instability of my own awareness at the time, but he had no trouble anchoring into the body and actually bypassed the lightheadedness for a while, which I am glad to see.

-looking back on that event, I've realized that the "logic voice trio" has a very interesting job; they tend to "watch out" for whoever is currently fronting, and when there's fast switching or confusion as to what we're supposed to be doing, they will give data and guidance to prevent total disaster. that's actually an incredibly helpful thing for us to have going on, in light of how troublesome switching would otherwise be for everyone!

- oh yeah, we had to stop at a toys r' us to check those novi stars for jo-- he even tried to front for a bit, but he wanted to look at everything and it was getting disorienting. hilariously, they had a nita light doll there, the first time we'd seen that one-- and not only did she glow in the dark, but she also had this brilliant purple hair. I laughed and showed laurie, she looked at it for a second, then said "that is fucking awesome, now you're making me want one." jo thought this was hilarious, started teasing her about it, but laurie said she was serious, that was really cute, too bad it was exorbitantly expensive. jo then asked me to show him some of the monster high dolls, as he was interested in what they looked like, and then waldorf insisted we look at the mlp aisle. laurie said we were wasting time now as we couldn't buy this stuff anyway, but really we were just having fun and couldn't actually get angry about any of it.

- there was one instant I remember when we were in a kmart (still switchy so it's blurry); some ad came on the speakers where a kid said "hi, I'm david," and instantly david spoke up from inside, saying "that's not what I sound like," very confused. knife reassured him and said it was another little boy named david, not to worry. I also remember that, when I left the store, I remembered that the Undergrounders love the view from the parking lot (seriously it's at a high point so from up there, you can see the surrounding local cities all around you in the hills), so I impulsively jumped up on the back bumper of the van and hung on with one arm, laughing as I looked out at the mountains from that extra bit of height, sending them the imagery. it was an instant of spontaneity that is extremely rare for us (thanks to having that darn buffer always going), and it felt pretty brilliant actually.

- after that we stopped at the health food store; we bought more gingers for celebi, as well as colored tea candles for the other Centralites-- except Waldorf, as they had no blue ones in stock. She said that was okay, but Jo got really sad about that, and I peripherally saw him hug her sincerely in response. I also got some peppermints for myself because I am addicted to minty things, when we walked outside genesis goaded me to try one on the spot, I did and they were great. gen impatiently asked if they were worth getting, I jokingly said "this is the best decision I've made in weeks," he laughed at that too.

- my last major stop was the local farmer's market, for whatever reason there's a quick flash that knife apparently tried to drive on the road down there? but he was getting confused by the road signs, and was paranoid about whether or not he could work the gas pedal correctly? so he didn't stay for long. anyway at the market I bought seven squashes, a big head of lettuce, and a basket of beets, they actually asked me if I was buying for a restaurant. I laughed and said no, I just have a limited diet so I tend to stock up on vegetables. seriously that was super funny to me. also, celebi drove for a bit on the way out, I have one memory flash of her sassily telling genesis "I know how to drive" and munching on one of her gingers. genesis asked "aren't you like twelve" to which she said driving was super easy, anyway the ap took care of most of it, but she "missed flying."

- I was in the mall for a few minutes, I know that because we walked past the same lingerie section julie had drooled over back when she was still on our side, genesis and I both said we wished she hadn't gone bad again. jo pushed us into a hot topic for a minute, but he didn't see anything he liked. amusingly as soon as he said that, genesis literally shoved me out of the store, well as 'literally' as he can when he can't make actual physical contact, but he tried! he knows I tend to get all trance-y and lose time, so he didn't want that happening in there when we really just needed to get home and calm down at this point. however the mall had its big christmas tree up in the middle, gen wanted to go see it, so we walked over and admired it for a bit. I pointed to a corner store and said that last night, I had suddenly remembered that there was a store there in my youth called "natural wonders," and it was really gorgeous; it had a huge impact on me as a kid but I had literally forgotten about it until now. genesis said he remembered me telling him about it ages ago, but it was cool that I was able to remember it again now, too. genesis did try to "race me" up a ramp on the way back, I joked that I didn't want the mall cops asking me what I was doing, because if I tried to explain that I was racing him they'd "toss me in the loony bin." genesis cracked up, said "a true friend goes to the loony bin with you!" I retorted that it'd be his fault we were in it, but he shrugged and said "still; it'd be worth it for the racing." either way it was hilarious.

- I randomly stopped at a grocery store on the way home, as I'd never been there before and wanted to see what they had. but in one aisle there was a random stand full of beanie babies, one of them was a "2008 holiday bear," but its hat(?) had been torn off, leaving nothing but strings sticking out of it, so it just looked like a plain disheveled brown bear now. surprisingly-- or not-- as soon as I went to turn away, minty jumped in, said she wanted to save it. I said we couldn't save every bear ever, but she was making puppy dog eyes at me, said it looked sad and hurt, and she could use it as a messenger, it would be happy if it was important instead of abandoned. I considered this-- I'm a softie when it comes to the requests of system members-- but genesis spoke up and told her no, we didn't have the money to spare. minty pouted, but gen ushered me out before I gave in.

- I am vaguely aware that both zwei and einsatz fronted on the way home? zwei was trying to sing but got miffed as there were no songs on with lyrics she knew. she was talking to genesis but I don't know about what. however, then "woohoo (fkj remix)" came on and she said her brother would love it, so she switched out and let einsatz in. genesis was trying to tell them not to switch while driving, especially since einsatz tends to get lost in the music like I do. what stands out about this is that einsatz seemed unable to talk unless he was lip-syncing lyrics? he kept trying to apologize to genesis but didn't know how, was grasping for sign language but we have no data for that so he was trying to at least give the impression. genesis was surprised, asked if he was mute? einsatz shrugged, he didn't seem sure either, but he made it apparent that he wasn't able to converse like his sister. either way he checked out after a minute or two and I know for a fact that jayce took over, as we had one more grocery store to stop at for an errand. I know he was talking to the logic voices in the store, but when he's out memory is hard for me to access so I can't really tell you what else he did.

- unfortunately, when we got home the mother was there, and as a result we weren't able to unwind thanks to the massive stress and noise she brings with her. so the entire evening is a total nauseous blur, sorry about that.

- memory picks up at… 8pm? 5 hours after we got home, mind. literally, all I know is that we were in the bedroom, and suddenly sugar was fronting, screaming and swearing "don't you fucking dare" at some unknown offender. then she called knife, he asked what was wrong? she said we were almost hacked (WHAT), then stormed into the kitchen and started digging on top of the refrigerator for matches. knife worriedly warned her to be careful, what if someone caught her fronting, she couldn't blow our cover or we'd be in major danger. sugar said she didn't care, she was pissed off, and if anyone bothered her she'd answer them honestly. (the mother did try to talk to her, but she refused to respond to the birth name; she walked into the bathroom and nearly started crying, "why does everyone call us THAT name," as it's tied to a very negative individual upstairs.) anyway she took four matchbooks into the bedroom, sat down, said she was going to light the colored candles we bought, to try and re-focus everyone's energy. so she started cutting the plastic off them, carefully-- knife said it was an "honor" to do so as the candles belonged to Central, sugar said she knew-- but when she reached the orange one, she stopped, said she was afraid because that was tied to sexuality. knife said he was afraid of it too, but if it was somehow linked to lynne, he had faith she would manage it safely, without anyone getting hurt. still she didn't want to unwrap it, let alone burn it.

- there's a very strong memory of this next part due to the data involved, so let me write down as much as I can. ultimately, sugar lit the 3 lower color candles (not the violet one; no one wanted to mess with laurie's color without a major reason to), then just sat there to meditate by them-- but she stopped almost immediately, looking shocked, said there was something being triggered by the candles? well, immediately the logic-alter trio spoke up, asked what exactly was triggering it, maybe they could find the memory, or at least open the archives so memories were accessible? so sugar moved above the candles again, eyes closed, catching the heat and light, but she couldn't tell what it was. still, she said it was specifically the heat on her face that felt familiar. so the logics were trying to find a match, told her to do it again-- and the memory flash she then picked up was that of the madrigal dinners from when I was a child. she had no idea what it was save for the name and the fact that it happened in winter, then she paused and suddenly exclaimed "it's fire and ice!" she then tied it to me, said maybe that's why I felt tied to both those elements without conflict, as they both felt like they had strong roots in this old, protective memory? knife seemed intrigued too, he said maybe so. sugar asked if he wanted to see the memory for himself, so he tuned into the memory too, but he got a stronger one-- the memory of holding a small lit white candle in the hands, everyone singing christmas carols, surrounded by warm firelight and shadow and community. it was just a snapshot, but knife actually started tearing up a bit, said "that is beautiful." he asked mulberry if she wanted to see, she said sure. but when she tried to catch the memory, she instead got a memory of when I used to be an altar server, and lit the altar candles in the back room, I think? they were shocked, how many memories were tied to the sensation of flame? knife asked david if he wanted to see what it was like, so he fronted, but instantly someone outside the room made a loud banging noise, scared him out of fronting, he started to cry. knife hugged him and said it was okay, he was safe, that wouldn't hurt him. jeremiah held david's hand for support as he fronted again, he got a different memory too, I think it was another church one? either way someone got the christmas mass image, with all those tiny candle lights illuminating the building. whatever david saw, he calmed down and said it felt "warm and safe," sugar said she had felt that too, it was pretty amazing. then david told marigold to look at it too, she was really panicky and scared, didn't want to get burnt, was actually crying in a hiccupy way when she fronted. the others told her to try talking in the body, to say her name, maybe that would help her anchor in and, but she shook her head as she said that would be scary. so jeremiah held her hand too and david gave her support, and she cautiously moved over to the candles too. again, she got a different memory: surprisingly, the memory of picnics in the local state part, above the fire pits, with the burning charcoal under the grates. she described it as a "metal box with lines in it," outside. it took the logic people a few moments to figure out what it was, but when they got it, everyone was even more amazed. marigold and david asked if they could go there on a picnic, it seemed nice. knife said it was winter now so they couldn't; the only memories they had of that were in summer. but if it was open in the winter, maybe they could try. the last person to front in this was jeremiah, honestly that's moving to look back on-- he immediately got really bad body dysphoria, started getting a panic attack, knife had to talk him through it. then jeremiah kept feeling his face where his beard would be, trying to ground, it did help. but when he moved into the flame, the memory he got was all votive candles, in the basement of the local basilica. and honestly I can't tell you what the reaction was to that, because the next thing I can see is jeremiah cupping his hands around all three candles, tearing up and whispering that the memories were beautiful. but then he actually spoke, his voice breaking, and asked knife if he could pick up the red candle. knife said yes, as long as he was careful. so he did, holding it front of his face, but then he kept trying to touch the flame. knife said he would burn himself, but jeremiah was determined to (although he didn't succeed, either in touching it or getting hurt). either way he said something to the effect of "the flame is so protective, but it still burns." it was just fascination at how it could hold such strong memories of safety and warmth, and still hurt you if you got too close to it. I get the strong impression that he was thinking a lot about javier with this but I cannot tell you anything for sure. oh, I do know that they all picked up on the scent of the red candle then-- all cloves and spice-- and sugar exclaimed that somehow it smelled like christmas. I was aware enough now to step in and confirm that, they asked why? and why was christmas in general such a significant time for everyone upstairs? I said that there was just a lot of spices around christmas that smelled like that, and christmas was a pain-free holiday for me, so that candle held one of the safest scents in the world to me as a result. then I kind of nodded to jeremiah and said that oddly that spiciness did match javier somehow. which was really cool. unfortunately I think someone walked in the room then because the memory cuts off and now it's 1am, whoa what

- I have this weird impression that sherlock fronted for a minute today, at the request of the other data vocies? I think it was with the candles. they needed to find some info and couldn't find it, so they called him in to do so, and he was able to easily. either way, good to see him again, he hasn't been out in a while (due to his bad habit of lording over our therapy sessions; dude I know you like talking shop but we all need to participate in those!).

- oh wait, no, there IS one flash from around 10:30? it's surprising too-- the body is standing at the kitchen table, but SPICE is fronting, making mint tea, breathing that in to calm herself down. and what do you know, minty popped in upstairs, said "that's my favorite tea you know," spice said she did know, she hoped it would help her sleep. minty smiled at the reference, and asked who she was. spice tiredly introduced herself, said she was only fronting because the body was in a lot of pain after whatever we ate earlier, and her job was to take that away from people, but it was depressing. minty looked sad, said she hoped it didn't hurt bad. spice said she could deal with it. then minty paused, said "hey, we both have names of spicy stuff," then added that she had decided they were now friends-- and spice could talk to her whenever she wanted to, if she needed a friend or some support when she was tired or lonely. spice genuinely smiled at that, and thanked her.

- there is also one flash from heaven knows when, of minty underground and THIS FREAKIN' BEAR BEHIND HER. I think he was talking to jayce (who did front for a significant amount of time this evening apparently, but I don't know for what reason), either way the bear was briefly explaining the odd teddy-messenger system he has going on, said it was important? but he was being cryptic, and whoever was talking didn't continue the conversation, so I have no idea what the deal was there. minty said something about a "teddy bear picnic" but she was apparently just referencing something she had heard, and hoped would be fun. still, finally, confirmation that the bear DOES exist!

-lastly TODAY WAS NATHANIEL'S BIRTHDAY! I would have done something for him, but when I peeked upstairs to wish him well, I realized that he was spending the day with leon, so I smiled and let them be. I'm not surprised though; they really love each other, and nat has died so many times that the fact that he still has a 'birthday' to celebrate probably means more to him as a celebration of life than it does to the rest of is. either way happy birthday bro. I remember a time when we all wondered if we'd ever get to see you again, so having you back with us now, happier than ever, really means a lot. may you have many many more years to celebrate!

It is really frightening, how much of my life has crumbled into dust around me.
I had to stop reviewing the archives today because honestly, I was getting absolutely overwhelmed. I had 400+ entries to check for relevant data and I'm sorry, but with how my brain tends to short out with so many words, I just couldn't do it.
However I pushed myself as far as I could, and as a result I did find a great deal of important info. I was shocked when I realized how many events, how many motivations, how many instances of pain and healing alike were completely missing from my memory. Usually, when I used to read the archives, reviewing would refresh my recollections, allowing me to say "oh yeah, now I remember that happening!" Not so, not anymore. Now I look and read and I know that at some point I did do and think and feel and say those things... but that knowedge is secondhand, a result of seeing the data on a screen. On my own, I cannot remember it whatsoever, and that scares me.
What does it mean? What does life mean, when I seem incapable of remembering things anymore? I know you're supposed to "live in the present," but I feel there is a very fine line between that and infinite temporal loops. If you have no awareness of the past, you cannot grow, you cannot learn from it. You get stuck, forever, in a resetting timeframe, forced to constantly repeat the same events over and over because you don't remember the last time you lived through them. And it never stops. That is currently my life, to a very fair extent. It is frightening, and disturbing, and I want it to stop.

People are slipping lately, very badly. It's hard to tell who is who, in talking and fronting and feeling. Everything is a blur.
Either the "manic girl" or the "empty boy" have been fronting lately, as a result. The former comes out around people, more often than anyone else ever, but she has a terrible personality and none of us like her, due to how she actively harms us and does not care. The latter is more pitiable, as he constantly states that he's "so tired and just wants to sleep," saying that the "noise in his head is too loud," and therefore he "shuts it all out" and tries to sleep. But that is literally ALL HE DOES. He counts as a suicidal fronter for that reason, as he is absolutely hellbent on not living, not existing, but only sleeping. He does not want to exist as a person, and he spares no thought for us as a result.

Chaos and Laurie were talking to me on... Saturday night? I think. But it was sad because we went outside to look at the stars, and that was beautiful, and I was almost feeling things and I wanted to try and remember what I had lost but the body was so exhausted I literally could not keep it awake. But, when I woke up the next morning, Laurie asked me if I remembered what we had spoken about, what I had been feeling, anything... and I paused, reaching back to try and find that data, and found none. So I said no. And I have not seen her look so hopelessly resigned in years.
I'm afraid she's... I don't want her to be suicidal again. The first time was horrible. And isn't it weird, I don't feel anything when I'm typing that? It is literally just a data file. It's an intellectual recollection of what emotions were felt back in 2010. There is no feeling accompanying it in real time. I know, in my brain, that if Laurie died it would devastate me, it would tear me to pieces. And yet, even in knowing that, there is no emotion.
What is wrong with me??
I'm starting to wonder if this is why Nathaniel and Leon haven't come back yet, and virtually everyone else has post-reset. But they were the heart guy and the head guy. One for compassion, one for awareness. They were the sweetest guys in the System and where are they now? We know they're still alive, but for heaven's sakes why haven't they been able to re-manifest then? Are their anchors that badly damaged?? I know that headvoices aren't literally tied to energy centers but geez those two really reflected theirs, the heart and the mind, and guess which two used to be my strongest and which now feel like they're frozen shut?

I'm scared. Is that obvious? That's the closest thing I can 'feel' right now. A quiet sort of existential, moral dread. The small shivers along my shoulders and back, the mind slinking to the edge of dissociation, the childhood fear of divine punishment. And why that, you ask? Why the fear of punishment, of all things? But that's simple too: in some weird way, I am still convinced that this awfully pained psychological state of mine makes me an "irredeemable sinner." Ironically, my current spiritual beliefs make it worse. According to them, because I am feeling this pain and struggling to heal from pains I don't understand and am honestly afraid to face again, because I am still hurting from wounds in my soul, then that means that I am an "ego," and therefore I don't exist, and therefore I am destined by the will of God to be thrown out with the chaff, so to speak. So that's a lot worse than the childhood fear of hell! With that, I could at least pray and beg and cry for hours, asking God to please have mercy and save me, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, just don't send me there, I'll be better. With that I had hope. Now... now there is no hope left, because I believe that by virtue of my sinfulness, I AM NOT REAL. And I can't shake that weird perspective because now it makes "total sense" to me. And I am convinced that in the "new world," I will be forbidden from existing and therefore tainting it. So I will not die, I will be wiped from existence. Total annihilation, absolute nothingness. And in a really quiet, really hidden way, that scares the shit out of me. Deep down, that knowledge that if I cannot heal I will no longer exist AT ALL is very scary.
But like I said, there's no hope. There's no hope because to do so, I feel it would be exercising a "spiritual ego" and dragging other souls down with me. So I don't hope for deliverance, because if I don't exist, that can't happen anyway. And that is the worst part of it, because what do I do?
This isn't fun. I have to laugh, I say that whenever I'm really torn up about something. I try to joke about it, make it seem inferior and stupid. What does that say about my self-image, huh?

Chaos knows. I did talk to him today for a minute or so, without realizing I was doing so, because I keep forgetting that these things ARE literally happening; I don't even give credit to my own inner life being real, isn't that sick? I say "if I feel or think or intuit something, it must be fake, because it's 'internal' and therefore 'all in my head.'" And how ironic, I said I feel no emotions anymore, but I want to cry just looking at that sentence. Guess that hit a nerve. I'm so tired of feeling like I am OBLIGATED TO INVALIDATE MY OWN EXPERIENCES BECAUSE NO ONE ELSE THINKS THEY ARE VALID.
Like I said, Chaos knows. He's just as upset with me as Infinitii is, and personally, that is a very scary thing to me. I'm starting to think I am Borderline, stupid as it is, because I have every stupid symptom including this "I hate you don't leave me" thing which is a shallow lie because I ADORE them, but I am so scared of them because, thanks to this asinine PTSD... well. I don't want to think about that at this hour. However, it does tie into what CZ agreed with me on. I was saying I was sorry for being such a pain in the neck, for all the trouble I'd caused, etc. I said I knew I was a huge source of frustration and anger and dissapointment for people, but I didn't want to drag anyone else down anymore so I was keeping my distance. Anyway, as I rambled on about this, it hit me. Somewhere down the road, I forgot how to love myself. I know that's an old problem. But I literally cannot figure out how to love myself UNLESS I'm in third person perspective, and I'm "seeing myself" as SEPARATE from myself. I cannot love myself in first person, as the "person doing the experiencing." I honestly don't know how, and that is heartbreaking and terrible and frightening. I admitted that, incredulously, and Chaos just looked at me and said he knew that. He'd known that for a very long time.

I'm sorry, my laptop battery is about to die, I need to post this before it shuts off and I lose it again. Therapy is tomorrow, see you then.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

@ 10:18 am

I haven't been updating my dream journal lately, but I have been remembering my dreams most every day, so that at least is good news.

I don't remember much about last night's dream, due to having had a very frightening night prior to falling asleep... but shockingly, that fact proved to be very significant.
Before falling asleep, I had spoken to my boss (Mr. Sandman), telling him that I was still getting awful nightmares and could he or Laurie do something about those? He said he would try. In any case he was incredibly kind and reassuring as usual and that did help. Unfortunately, about an hour after that, I had an extremely traumatic hack (those of you who follow our system updates know what those are), which my memory has already annihilated for the most part, thank God. But, for the first time in my life, that incident was apparently significant enough to affect my dream.
As I said, I unfortunately don't remember much of the dream upon awakening (something told me not to, so I let the memory fade), but one thing stands out: for the entire dream, I was aware that we had been hacked, and I kept meeting headvoices expressing the same thing, and/or trying to comfort me or each other. Seriously, that's the one thing I wish I could remember-- it has been rare for members of our system to show up in dreams, but I swear there were at least 4 or 5 people in this one! (I'm almost positive Lynne was one of them, which is notable as I've never seen her in a dream before.)
There is one clear memory I have though, and it is why I am updating this morning. Near the end of the dream, my bro and I were going to this mall that doesn't exist in real life, but which is a constant location in certain dreams-- up the hill to the right of our house. I think I had to drive there, but either way, I recall walking through it (it was virtually empty, again typical) to the exit, still feeling depressed and shaken, with someone shouting at me to either 'hurry up' or that I was 'breaking the rules' or the like. So I went outside to the car, and sat down in the driver's seat, just staring out through the windshield. However, Infinitii happened to be in the front passenger seat, and when I sat down next to him, looking so distraught, he simply moved closer and wrapped his arms and wings around me. I don't even know if he said anything; all I know is that that honest gesture was the most comforting thing I've felt in a very long time. So I just held him for a little while in silence, although I felt like crying, and although I know I woke up a few small minutes later.

I apologize for the lack of updates, but if this dream has shown me anything to that end, it's that our dreams are more relevant than I give them credit for. So I will try to be here more often.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

@ 08:02 pm

So last week, we discovered that deep in the Underground there is a massive cistern, like the famous one in Istanbul (pictured above).
Razor seems to know her way around it, but we don't know if anyone else has dared to venture there alone. It's a disturbingly dangerous place, due to being so close to raw B/W energy levels. There are apparently things living in the water that we've been warned to stay away from.
Headspace sure is an interesting place to live, I'll say that much..

First, an important notice: since last Saturday, J (the system core) has been "blocked" from either entering or accessing Central headspace by an unknown force and/or entity. As a result he is now stuck on an unformed level of lower headspace.
This blockading action has also prevented anyone but the Autopilot (myself), Jewel, and J from fronting, in order of frequency. It has also cut off all our access to upstairs knowledge and energy, and vice versa, so all parties involved are struggling.
In the process, Central headspace is decaying rapidly. Several headvoices have already suffered dramatic physical damage as well. If we cannot restore the connection between upstairs and downstairs soon, the consequences may be disastrous.

Nevetheless, within the past 24 hours, the following significant events have occurred:

- After having discovered his energetic signature there yesterday morning, J riskily entered the Underground to rescue Infinitii, who was being held captive there by Razor and Jezebel. It has also been revealed that Infi DID temporarily die shortly after his previous kidnapping on May 28th, but he was thankfully able to remanifest due to J mentally sending out energy on his behalf since then.

- A friend of ours, living in the western United States, has informed us that Laurie, Chaos, Genesis, and Xenophon have temporarily taken up residence in her headspace after Saturday's lockout (Chaos, for one, claimed he "needed space" as J is suffering greatly at the moment). How and why Laurie ended up in another headspace is unknown, as her fellow headvoices were all locked upstairs.

- I have discovered that lower headspace is swarming with splinters and other non-corporeal voices, due to it being a non-structured location. It was a shock to realize how many there were, but I cannot say it was a surprise.

As a result of this latter point, I have instated two base rules in lower headspace in order to promote a sense of order: firstly, all non-corporeal voices must announce themselves before fronting or co-fronting, and secondly, all splinters must choose a unique name, face, and voice, or undergo imminent dissolution (for the sake of system coherency).
Many of the downstairs voices originated as splinters from either Jewel or J-- all of whom have been/ are system cores, therefore naturally producing splinters in order to preserve a non-traumatized state of existence. Unfortunately, as a result many of them lack any identity of their own. Therefore I have charged the strongest ones to manifest, while letting the weaker ones dissolve into raw mental energy once more.

J offered enough energetic potential to allow this manifestation to happen, and one exceptionally loud splinter grew into a headvoice within the first 30 minutes.
Upon speaking to it, we learned that this one was, unusually, formed from J, as a vessel to hold all the Tar abuse that began around last January. It is male, with reddish-pink hair, similar to J's old appearance, and its name appears to be Jeremiah.
To be frank, I have been hunting this splinter down for many weeks, as it is highly distraught emotionally and easily triggered, which would cause a great deal of distress for whoever would be fronting in such an event. Now that manifestation has occurred, both tracking and healing it will be much easier.

We still cannot connect back to Central, but J has managed to form a limited mental channel with Leon (the Indigo headvoice), which is a significant achievement. Hopefully we will be able to re-enter Central headspace within the next few days.

Lastly, J has a few theories as to the nature of this lockout, some of which raise many incredible questions. However, I will not discuss them here-- my job is simply to report information, and I trust J will take the time to record his thoughts on the matter in his own time. I will tell him to post any significant points to this blog.

That is all I have to update with for tonight.

-A.P.

Profile

prismaticbleed

tumblr

June 2025

S	M	T	W	T	F	S
1	2	3	4	5	6	7
8	9	10	11	12	13	14
15	16	17	18	19	20	21
22	23	24	25	26	27	28
29	30

Syndicate

Style Credit

Style: Neutral Good for Practicality by timeasmymeasure

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags

Page generated Jul. 8th, 2025 09:01 am

the spectrum heart cathedral system

a prism of souls

Entries tagged with level: underground

headspace images 2013

nov 18

nov 05

Update 060613