the spectrum heart cathedral system

 

Bit of an overdue update! Let me just write down what's important for now.

 

First, I forgot to write this down before but I want to record it:
A little over a week ago was Friday the 13th, which is Josephina's official "unbirthday" (he first appeared to us on one in 2010). So he and Waldorf celebrated by lounging around in Central, loudly singing this song and eating two entire boxes of chocolate fudge cookies (they had three, but I gave Xenophon one).
I just thought that was hilarious.

Algorith, David, and Marigold all fronted for some time on Tuesday or so? We forgot to update that day. That was important because it actually shed a lot more light on the roles of the children-- notably, more specifics on what they're afraid of, and why. David is infamously afraid of "the mother," but it seems his fears aren't rooted to anything we can find? And with recent events (she's been SUPER nice lately), he's starting to warm up to her, not as a mother but as a good person separate from the fears he's held towards her. That's really fantastic. Marigold, on the other hand, is the panicky one, but she's afraid of (again) some unknown threat from adult women? Like in general. But she, too, is learning with every non-dangerous exposure that she IS protected, and that she is not at risk, and the anxiety she holds is going down. I wish I remembered more specifics for that day but I apologize, as it's too long afterwards to reach the brief data anymore.

Algorith seems to be acting as a sort of "casual protector" to the two children; she obviously cares for them but leaves the actual close care to Jeremiah (everyone does really). Also, Algorith has a notable "accent" of sorts when she fronts. I have no idea what its roots are, maybe New York? Headvoices pick speaking styles out of the subconscious of course, that's where we're all from, so it's not too surprising when one ends up with a unique speech style as a result. But it's great to have her suddenly in the main awareness, as she was "in the background" for a while but she's awesome (and I am rather fond of her admittedly; mostly because of her role in this dream).

Headspace has been quiet otherwise? Has it been for a while? It feels like it, but I don't remember. That made therapy on Thursday very difficult, as the "no self" residual fronter (one tied to the body; it's female) was out for most of it, and she literally cannot make any forward movement as she is "unable to act without orders" due to having "no self"-- on that note, she openly admitted that the idea of being an individual was "incomprehensible," and that she DID look with that sort of judgmental attitude on OUR ENTIRE SYSTEM, which is where a lot of the previously unidentified shame/ guilt/ self-loathing roots are from. This fronter cannot conceive of having an identity separate from what they are TOLD to be, or "expected" to be in some context. So yeah, THIS is the person who virtually makes the body "shut down" when we're alone, if she's out. She cannot "be a person" if no one is telling her how, essentially. So, strangely, she's probably more of "her own person" in that therapy office than she CAN be anywhere else, as the "contextual expectation" there is for her to BE a specific, important part of our greater whole-- therefore she ends up actually getting an actual semblance of a 'self' as a result, whether she realizes it or not. I hope that makes sense in words!

Also! Same topic, super important. Thanks to her speaking up, that session ALSO eventually shed light on WHO the "self-destructive" person is who keeps trying to utterly annihilate all of our possessions, food, archives, etc… and WHY they do that. Apparently, there is such an old and deep rage towards being FORCED to "be someone we were not," i.e. the function the self-less girl holds, that it bubbles over every time it can? But it's a paradox, as the therapist pointed out that this same self-annihilation IS what we were essentially being "told to do" for years! "You can't do/ feel/ be/ etc. that way, you have to be what WE tell you to be." And so half of our psyche nodded and obeyed, unable to even feel its own emotions… and the other half seethed with utter self-hatred, wanting nothing more than to tear that imposed self to the ground so that something REAL and honoring of our own individuality could emerge. Problem was, that seems to not have happened yet? We still struggle with "self-identity," and that self-annihilation still happens all too frequently. However we are making lots of progress here and I am very happy to say that.

Fittingly-- almost shockingly so-- on Friday morning, the grandmother (the one constant in this house) went to visit her sister for three days. So, since Friday morning, she has not been here. Why is this important? Because we nearly had an emotional breakdown yesterday over it. For some reason, that woman is viewed as 1) a cathartic "externalization" of emotions we don't know how to express on our own (she is very high-strung and so expresses a lot of emotions such as anxiety and anger and worry, negative things that we buried as a child and never really learned how to express well), therefore her absence makes us boil over with childhood fears and tears and shakes, and 2) as a "safety net" against these same emotions, because for whatever reason, without another human being in the house, we are terrified to do a lot of things. For the past 48 hours we've been too scared to eat or sleep, for heaven's sakes, because there's "no one there to protect and/or comfort us if something goes wrong." Where did that mindset come from? We don't know, nor do we know why it is there. But we didn't even KNOW it was there until yesterday, so we are thankful for that.

The scariest bit about yesterday, though, was the loneliness. Headspace was absent for the entirety of the day, as the person fronting was purely downstairs-based (may have even been the self-less person from thursday) and so felt utterly isolated from everything internal. Genesis did show up in the evening and Jay ended up following suit, as he was out for most of today. But that 24+ hours of total existential emptiness was awful. That's a topic we need to rediscuss later, what with worries about integration and the like, but it's a terribly heartwrenching topic so we won't do that tonight.

Today we realized that we are not a good listener. That was humbling. People let us talk for huge stretches of time-- usually to explain or lecture-- but as a result, our mindset switches to "output, not input." And then it's difficult to listen to feedback unless we actively realize that we are talking TO people, not AT them. Again, a good thing to be reminded of. We'll take extra effort here.

As a result of that talking, we took a HUGE jump as far as courage goes, because we realized a big root of the eating disorder! Most of our digestive issues are purely psychosomatic-- our docs have been shrugging at our "perfect" test results and poor health for years-- but pinpointing the causes has been tricky. We think we have the main ones now!
1) Back in 2012, living with someone who had bad allergies, we internalized the message of "if she gets sick, YOU have to get sick too, or it's not fair for her." This is totally untrue but it is probably the strongest roadblock keeping us from being healthy, as it became globalized at some point.
2) Thanks to being hyper-religious about online data at one point, some child voice in the system (unidentified, but a clear speaker!) has labeled certain foods as "bad" or "evil," if even one person said they were "incorrect" according to some diet or belief system or whatever. Again, this quickly became globalized (as everyone has differing and conflicting opinions!) and it quickly made daily life almost unbearable as well, because mostly everything became "wrong" to that voice, and it would not eat ANYTHING out of sheer paralyzing terror of "getting sick as punishment for doing the wrong thing." Of course, the outside voices didn't help this, because they WOULD punish us for not following their orders, and have also told us multiple times-- upon eating perfectly harmless foods-- that "we would die" as a result of eating something they did not give us permission to. Since this condemnation was often followed BY panic attacks or similarly severe symptoms, it stuck, even though it was false and cruel.

However. After those points hit us, we remembered something we read a while back-- that D.I.D. patients often showed allergies in one alter, and NONE in another! Now that's the SAME BODY, but different minds. That shows that this sort of thing IS mental. After all, an "allergy" is essentially just the body treating a food as a danger, and attacking it. And aren't we currently labeling FOOD in general as a "danger?" You see the problem! But we KNOW that's incorrect, we know that we're safe, that these things aren't threats, that we are completely ALLOWED AND ABLE to eat without suffering or worrying about "doing something wrong." Mr. Sandman has been helping on this-- he is no longer an Outspacer, but he still offers unfailing benevolent guidance, and the trust in him is complete. So if he assures us that we are safe, that we are not sick, etc., we will believe it and this can make or break such an ED situation depending on who is fronting. You get the picture, I hope. I'm just so thankful we made this much headway on healing this.

As a result of that we DID eat a meal with actual calories in it this evening, and no one threw it up afterwards, which took a lot of guts actually. But there were like 6 people working together positively there and it happened, and we didn't get sick either! So that is a big accomplishment actually.

We haven't been able to exercise well in a while due to being sick from food or the lack thereof, so we will make a stronger effort to get that back in the schedule now that we're being more caring and careful with the body.

On that note, again. Chaos 0 has (amusingly but fittingly) again proven to be one of our best defenses against negative actions there. Since he and Jay are so strongly tied, if he sticks around when Jay is out, his very presence will virtually eliminate all chances of a self-destructive or otherwise detrimental fronter from showing up and making us sick or otherwise hurt. I say this is fitting because he was the Outspacer with the "Body/Strength" aspect, and he has never failed to protect the one that we are in. He deserves all our thanks for that.

Laurie keeps asking us to have a Xanga session, as we haven't had one since before the December event, and one is sorely needed. Last night would have been ideal, but we got "distracted" doing Dream World character designs and Laurie says that was a "perfectly good use of the time" so not worry about it.

There are probably a few things I've forgotten, but as of now I think that brings us back up to a decent speed.

Jay here, for a minute. There is a lot of hope tonight, again! I love this feeling, tuning back into it.
More than anything though I want to tune into headspace as completely as I can remember, even just in data. I can feel the total closeness in a lot of these memories, all the headspace events, like when we found the BLC and when I had to save Infi, even if my personal memories are blurry or absent. No matter though. Timelines are weird, love is real, I'm not worried. We're moving forward and every step is an adventure. That's all I'm going to say, anything else feels superfluous. I'm so happy we're alive right now, all of us together. I'm so thankful we have this. That's the truest thing I can admit tonight.

Good night everyone, let's keep learning and growing and feeling and dreaming. Life's pretty cool, to say the least. ♥

 

 

Stream-of-consciousness entry for today as a LOT happened, since we were out of the house.

- shopping day, started out hilariously. we ended up talking about those "novi stars" dolls some young social got obsessed with the other day, I said I did love vera tabray's design, but the fashion-centered personality she apparently had didn't sit well with me? laurie asked me to explain that, but as I did, she retorted every line with a totally different perspective that made me realize I was actually being very judgmental, and kind of shallow; who cares if vera loved fashion, that was her choice, and it didn't make her (or anyone else) less of a person. that was humbling, I sincerely apologized, i didn't realize i was doing that. laurie said to be careful and not judge people just because I couldn't understand them from my own immediate viewpoint; if that happened again, she said, go and tell her about it and she'd help open my eyes, as she always did. but yeah, the reason that worked is because vera is a very fashion-conscious alien, but I forgot that laurie unironically thinks fashion is awesome. she said jo got her to appreciate it at first, but only he is actually interested in buying stuff-- laurie only likes the aesthetics, and actually has a great eye for it. anyway we then called jo in to continue the line of thought, jo got really excited about the dolls (he said they were super adorable), said he'd love to have one if he could find one he resonated with. I know at some point waldorf snuck in to see what jo was up to, she started teasing him about mlp ponies again (she wants him to get one to match hers), really we were all cracking up at this point. the funniest bit to me was that I had the novi stars jingle stuck in my head, jo started trying to hum it, laurie said she was going to figure out the words specifically to troll me with it.

- we had to stop at several places today, for price checks, groceries, and the like, so we had to manage our time very carefully. genesis was hanging out with me in the car, because I refused to put music on as I knew it would make me dissociate. I know we stopped at the local walmart first, because we walked down the toiletries aisle and I saw a sign that said "razors." well sure enough, razor tried to front, asking "why are they selling razors here?" mulberry and knife tried to explain that some humans used them to cut hair on their face, but razor was baffled by that because all the scruffy-faced men upstairs don't shave, and why would you use a razor to cut hair anyway? so that was rather amusing.

- about an hour later, we were stopping in another wal-mart for a price comparison, but we were getting VERY switchy due to the typical overload of being in public places (honestly we can't stay out for more than 3 hours or we become incapable of functioning). so whoever was fronting decided to call JAVIER to front, as he is awesome at grounding. so we managed to quickly find him and he took over for a bit. for a second he didn't know what he was doing-- there's an image flash of him standing in an aisle and saying "I literally have no idea what this stuff is even for"-- but immediately "george" spoke up and gave him the gist of things, telling him to just follow his lead as far as directions went. I don't know how long javier fronted, due to the instability of my own awareness at the time, but he had no trouble anchoring into the body and actually bypassed the lightheadedness for a while, which I am glad to see.

-looking back on that event, I've realized that the "logic voice trio" has a very interesting job; they tend to "watch out" for whoever is currently fronting, and when there's fast switching or confusion as to what we're supposed to be doing, they will give data and guidance to prevent total disaster. that's actually an incredibly helpful thing for us to have going on, in light of how troublesome switching would otherwise be for everyone!

- oh yeah, we had to stop at a toys r' us to check those novi stars for jo-- he even tried to front for a bit, but he wanted to look at everything and it was getting disorienting. hilariously, they had a nita light doll there, the first time we'd seen that one-- and not only did she glow in the dark, but she also had this brilliant purple hair. I laughed and showed laurie, she looked at it for a second, then said "that is fucking awesome, now you're making me want one." jo thought this was hilarious, started teasing her about it, but laurie said she was serious, that was really cute, too bad it was exorbitantly expensive. jo then asked me to show him some of the monster high dolls, as he was interested in what they looked like, and then waldorf insisted we look at the mlp aisle. laurie said we were wasting time now as we couldn't buy this stuff anyway, but really we were just having fun and couldn't actually get angry about any of it.

- there was one instant I remember when we were in a kmart (still switchy so it's blurry); some ad came on the speakers where a kid said "hi, I'm david," and instantly david spoke up from inside, saying "that's not what I sound like," very confused. knife reassured him and said it was another little boy named david, not to worry. I also remember that, when I left the store, I remembered that the Undergrounders love the view from the parking lot (seriously it's at a high point so from up there, you can see the surrounding local cities all around you in the hills), so I impulsively jumped up on the back bumper of the van and hung on with one arm, laughing as I looked out at the mountains from that extra bit of height, sending them the imagery. it was an instant of spontaneity that is extremely rare for us (thanks to having that darn buffer always going), and it felt pretty brilliant actually.

- after that we stopped at the health food store; we bought more gingers for celebi, as well as colored tea candles for the other Centralites-- except Waldorf, as they had no blue ones in stock. She said that was okay, but Jo got really sad about that, and I peripherally saw him hug her sincerely in response. I also got some peppermints for myself because I am addicted to minty things, when we walked outside genesis goaded me to try one on the spot, I did and they were great. gen impatiently asked if they were worth getting, I jokingly said "this is the best decision I've made in weeks," he laughed at that too.

- my last major stop was the local farmer's market, for whatever reason there's a quick flash that knife apparently tried to drive on the road down there? but he was getting confused by the road signs, and was paranoid about whether or not he could work the gas pedal correctly? so he didn't stay for long. anyway at the market I bought seven squashes, a big head of lettuce, and a basket of beets, they actually asked me if I was buying for a restaurant. I laughed and said no, I just have a limited diet so I tend to stock up on vegetables. seriously that was super funny to me. also, celebi drove for a bit on the way out, I have one memory flash of her sassily telling genesis "I know how to drive" and munching on one of her gingers. genesis asked "aren't you like twelve" to which she said driving was super easy, anyway the ap took care of most of it, but she "missed flying."

- I was in the mall for a few minutes, I know that because we walked past the same lingerie section julie had drooled over back when she was still on our side, genesis and I both said we wished she hadn't gone bad again. jo pushed us into a hot topic for a minute, but he didn't see anything he liked. amusingly as soon as he said that, genesis literally shoved me out of the store, well as 'literally' as he can when he can't make actual physical contact, but he tried! he knows I tend to get all trance-y and lose time, so he didn't want that happening in there when we really just needed to get home and calm down at this point. however the mall had its big christmas tree up in the middle, gen wanted to go see it, so we walked over and admired it for a bit. I pointed to a corner store and said that last night, I had suddenly remembered that there was a store there in my youth called "natural wonders," and it was really gorgeous; it had a huge impact on me as a kid but I had literally forgotten about it until now. genesis said he remembered me telling him about it ages ago, but it was cool that I was able to remember it again now, too. genesis did try to "race me" up a ramp on the way back, I joked that I didn't want the mall cops asking me what I was doing, because if I tried to explain that I was racing him they'd "toss me in the loony bin." genesis cracked up, said "a true friend goes to the loony bin with you!" I retorted that it'd be his fault we were in it, but he shrugged and said "still; it'd be worth it for the racing." either way it was hilarious.

- I randomly stopped at a grocery store on the way home, as I'd never been there before and wanted to see what they had. but in one aisle there was a random stand full of beanie babies, one of them was a "2008 holiday bear," but its hat(?) had been torn off, leaving nothing but strings sticking out of it, so it just looked like a plain disheveled brown bear now. surprisingly-- or not-- as soon as I went to turn away, minty jumped in, said she wanted to save it. I said we couldn't save every bear ever, but she was making puppy dog eyes at me, said it looked sad and hurt, and she could use it as a messenger, it would be happy if it was important instead of abandoned. I considered this-- I'm a softie when it comes to the requests of system members-- but genesis spoke up and told her no, we didn't have the money to spare. minty pouted, but gen ushered me out before I gave in.

- I am vaguely aware that both zwei and einsatz fronted on the way home? zwei was trying to sing but got miffed as there were no songs on with lyrics she knew. she was talking to genesis but I don't know about what. however, then "woohoo (fkj remix)" came on and she said her brother would love it, so she switched out and let einsatz in. genesis was trying to tell them not to switch while driving, especially since einsatz tends to get lost in the music like I do. what stands out about this is that einsatz seemed unable to talk unless he was lip-syncing lyrics? he kept trying to apologize to genesis but didn't know how, was grasping for sign language but we have no data for that so he was trying to at least give the impression. genesis was surprised, asked if he was mute? einsatz shrugged, he didn't seem sure either, but he made it apparent that he wasn't able to converse like his sister. either way he checked out after a minute or two and I know for a fact that jayce took over, as we had one more grocery store to stop at for an errand. I know he was talking to the logic voices in the store, but when he's out memory is hard for me to access so I can't really tell you what else he did.

- unfortunately, when we got home the mother was there, and as a result we weren't able to unwind thanks to the massive stress and noise she brings with her. so the entire evening is a total nauseous blur, sorry about that.

- memory picks up at… 8pm? 5 hours after we got home, mind. literally, all I know is that we were in the bedroom, and suddenly sugar was fronting, screaming and swearing "don't you fucking dare" at some unknown offender. then she called knife, he asked what was wrong? she said we were almost hacked (WHAT), then stormed into the kitchen and started digging on top of the refrigerator for matches. knife worriedly warned her to be careful, what if someone caught her fronting, she couldn't blow our cover or we'd be in major danger. sugar said she didn't care, she was pissed off, and if anyone bothered her she'd answer them honestly. (the mother did try to talk to her, but she refused to respond to the birth name; she walked into the bathroom and nearly started crying, "why does everyone call us THAT name," as it's tied to a very negative individual upstairs.) anyway she took four matchbooks into the bedroom, sat down, said she was going to light the colored candles we bought, to try and re-focus everyone's energy. so she started cutting the plastic off them, carefully-- knife said it was an "honor" to do so as the candles belonged to Central, sugar said she knew-- but when she reached the orange one, she stopped, said she was afraid because that was tied to sexuality. knife said he was afraid of it too, but if it was somehow linked to lynne, he had faith she would manage it safely, without anyone getting hurt. still she didn't want to unwrap it, let alone burn it.

- there's a very strong memory of this next part due to the data involved, so let me write down as much as I can. ultimately, sugar lit the 3 lower color candles (not the violet one; no one wanted to mess with laurie's color without a major reason to), then just sat there to meditate by them-- but she stopped almost immediately, looking shocked, said there was something being triggered by the candles? well, immediately the logic-alter trio spoke up, asked what exactly was triggering it, maybe they could find the memory, or at least open the archives so memories were accessible? so sugar moved above the candles again, eyes closed, catching the heat and light, but she couldn't tell what it was. still, she said it was specifically the heat on her face that felt familiar. so the logics were trying to find a match, told her to do it again-- and the memory flash she then picked up was that of the madrigal dinners from when I was a child. she had no idea what it was save for the name and the fact that it happened in winter, then she paused and suddenly exclaimed "it's fire and ice!" she then tied it to me, said maybe that's why I felt tied to both those elements without conflict, as they both felt like they had strong roots in this old, protective memory? knife seemed intrigued too, he said maybe so. sugar asked if he wanted to see the memory for himself, so he tuned into the memory too, but he got a stronger one-- the memory of holding a small lit white candle in the hands, everyone singing christmas carols, surrounded by warm firelight and shadow and community. it was just a snapshot, but knife actually started tearing up a bit, said "that is beautiful." he asked mulberry if she wanted to see, she said sure. but when she tried to catch the memory, she instead got a memory of when I used to be an altar server, and lit the altar candles in the back room, I think? they were shocked, how many memories were tied to the sensation of flame? knife asked david if he wanted to see what it was like, so he fronted, but instantly someone outside the room made a loud banging noise, scared him out of fronting, he started to cry. knife hugged him and said it was okay, he was safe, that wouldn't hurt him. jeremiah held david's hand for support as he fronted again, he got a different memory too, I think it was another church one? either way someone got the christmas mass image, with all those tiny candle lights illuminating the building. whatever david saw, he calmed down and said it felt "warm and safe," sugar said she had felt that too, it was pretty amazing. then david told marigold to look at it too, she was really panicky and scared, didn't want to get burnt, was actually crying in a hiccupy way when she fronted. the others told her to try talking in the body, to say her name, maybe that would help her anchor in and, but she shook her head as she said that would be scary. so jeremiah held her hand too and david gave her support, and she cautiously moved over to the candles too. again, she got a different memory: surprisingly, the memory of picnics in the local state part, above the fire pits, with the burning charcoal under the grates. she described it as a "metal box with lines in it," outside. it took the logic people a few moments to figure out what it was, but when they got it, everyone was even more amazed. marigold and david asked if they could go there on a picnic, it seemed nice. knife said it was winter now so they couldn't; the only memories they had of that were in summer. but if it was open in the winter, maybe they could try. the last person to front in this was jeremiah, honestly that's moving to look back on-- he immediately got really bad body dysphoria, started getting a panic attack, knife had to talk him through it. then jeremiah kept feeling his face where his beard would be, trying to ground, it did help. but when he moved into the flame, the memory he got was all votive candles, in the basement of the local basilica. and honestly I can't tell you what the reaction was to that, because the next thing I can see is jeremiah cupping his hands around all three candles, tearing up and whispering that the memories were beautiful. but then he actually spoke, his voice breaking, and asked knife if he could pick up the red candle. knife said yes, as long as he was careful. so he did, holding it front of his face, but then he kept trying to touch the flame. knife said he would burn himself, but jeremiah was determined to (although he didn't succeed, either in touching it or getting hurt). either way he said something to the effect of "the flame is so protective, but it still burns." it was just fascination at how it could hold such strong memories of safety and warmth, and still hurt you if you got too close to it. I get the strong impression that he was thinking a lot about javier with this but I cannot tell you anything for sure. oh, I do know that they all picked up on the scent of the red candle then-- all cloves and spice-- and sugar exclaimed that somehow it smelled like christmas. I was aware enough now to step in and confirm that, they asked why? and why was christmas in general such a significant time for everyone upstairs? I said that there was just a lot of spices around christmas that smelled like that, and christmas was a pain-free holiday for me, so that candle held one of the safest scents in the world to me as a result. then I kind of nodded to jeremiah and said that oddly that spiciness did match javier somehow. which was really cool. unfortunately I think someone walked in the room then because the memory cuts off and now it's 1am, whoa what

- I have this weird impression that sherlock fronted for a minute today, at the request of the other data vocies? I think it was with the candles. they needed to find some info and couldn't find it, so they called him in to do so, and he was able to easily. either way, good to see him again, he hasn't been out in a while (due to his bad habit of lording over our therapy sessions; dude I know you like talking shop but we all need to participate in those!).

- oh wait, no, there IS one flash from around 10:30? it's surprising too-- the body is standing at the kitchen table, but SPICE is fronting, making mint tea, breathing that in to calm herself down. and what do you know, minty popped in upstairs, said "that's my favorite tea you know," spice said she did know, she hoped it would help her sleep. minty smiled at the reference, and asked who she was. spice tiredly introduced herself, said she was only fronting because the body was in a lot of pain after whatever we ate earlier, and her job was to take that away from people, but it was depressing. minty looked sad, said she hoped it didn't hurt bad. spice said she could deal with it. then minty paused, said "hey, we both have names of spicy stuff," then added that she had decided they were now friends-- and spice could talk to her whenever she wanted to, if she needed a friend or some support when she was tired or lonely. spice genuinely smiled at that, and thanked her.

- there is also one flash from heaven knows when, of minty underground and THIS FREAKIN' BEAR BEHIND HER. I think he was talking to jayce (who did front for a significant amount of time this evening apparently, but I don't know for what reason), either way the bear was briefly explaining the odd teddy-messenger system he has going on, said it was important? but he was being cryptic, and whoever was talking didn't continue the conversation, so I have no idea what the deal was there. minty said something about a "teddy bear picnic" but she was apparently just referencing something she had heard, and hoped would be fun. still, finally, confirmation that the bear DOES exist!

-lastly TODAY WAS NATHANIEL'S BIRTHDAY! I would have done something for him, but when I peeked upstairs to wish him well, I realized that he was spending the day with leon, so I smiled and let them be. I'm not surprised though; they really love each other, and nat has died so many times that the fact that he still has a 'birthday' to celebrate probably means more to him as a celebration of life than it does to the rest of is. either way happy birthday bro. I remember a time when we all wondered if we'd ever get to see you again, so having you back with us now, happier than ever, really means a lot. may you have many many more years to celebrate!