prismaticbleed | Entries tagged with facebook

I keep getting odd waves of sadness/pain, realizing how much I've lost over the past two years, oddly in a material sense. It's probably because I dislike owning things unless they hold a great emotional and/or spiritual significance to me, and... well. Most of that stuff got thrown out or given away during our past two-three suicidal phases, apparently. I wasn't around then so it's still shocking to me, to look for things and then hear "oh yeah... someone junked that two years ago, bro."
I dunno. It's weird, to be getting legitimately distraught because "I no longer have this bit of art" or "I no longer have this game." Silly, right? But that art was an expression of people and ideas I dearly loved. That game held years worth of memories and personal growth. Now it's gone, suddenly and shockingly, and it feels like a punch in the gut.
Not sure how to heal this, but I'll have to.

Also. There are too many massive psychological triggers tied to two certain people I used to know. Why is that?
It's freaking me out, because it's all "fear of abuse" reactions and yet I don't think they ever harmed me? Was it just their close imitation of those situations? I don't have an answer to that, either. But some deep, damaged part of me is still crying and whimpering like a frightened child, every time I'm reminded of either of them. They have somehow become two of the "scariest" people I know, despite their allegedly harmless histories... and that disturbs me greatly.
Sorry, just thinking out loud with this.

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@ 11:33 pm

tw: self-abuse, depersonalization.

no idea what i'm writing

The numbness sticks to my bones like diseased fog.
I don't remember when it first showed up. Only that it keeps coming back, day after day, night after night, suffocating, entrenching me in its impassible, unfathomable blankness.
I can't remember the friendships. I can't remember the struggles, the victories, the joys, the tears. I can't remember the love. All I can remember is the loss, because it's been shackled to my ankles for as long as my memory can reach backwards. All I can remember is nothing.

There are photographs. There are blurry, distorted images and sounds choked under ancient layers of bloodied bandages and hands pressed tightly against our ears. There are pieces, smudges, flashes, ruins. I can only view them as if from a great distance, from somewhere in the gap between heaven and hell, from a place incapable of ever reaching either extreme anymore.

Perhaps this is better. Perhaps I need to be razed to the ground, burnt to ashes, scoured until I am raw and bleeding, bones and little else, not a carcass but a shattered skeleton to be reshaped, repainted, reborn. Maybe that's what this is.

I won't lie. It is jarring, like a mother's fist connecting with our face. It is frightening, like the voices that never seem to go away. And it is heartbreakingly, terribly real, the knowledge that emptiness can only exist if there was SOMETHING to precede it.

It's sick.
I miss the suicide attempts. I miss the screaming and sobbing. I miss the arms sawed wide open at 3am, at the yawning sepulchres painting our borrowed, tainted, alien skin. I miss having some sort of comparison, some sort of caustic awareness of life-- the terror that brought existence into sharp focus under fluorescent lights, reflected solid and real against reddened metal.
All I have now is a dead-eyed hollowness, that horrible fog. I find myself running numb hands over my face, trying to feel like I'm in it for once, trying to comprehend what the words body and breathing and awake and real mean. Numbers on clocks slip and glitch, jumping hours in moments, skipping days in seconds. I'm never quite sure what my name is. I'm never quite sure what a name is.

The bad voices that haunted the childhood still scream and condemn. Every day is a battlefield, every action riddled with fear from their constant shrieking, from their words of damnation and pompous hatred. I can't remember a time when I wasn't trying desperately to bow to their whims, terrified of choosing on my own, after one too many disobediences ended in sheer horror. I don't know what it's like to make my own choices in life.

Someone still believes that this body is the devil incarnate and until that belief is released, we are all going to remain here in hell.

I don't know what I'm writing anymore.

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@ 11:44 pm

So I beat the Pokemon League in Y today.
It was a very emotionally moving experience for me personally... not only do I get really fond of my Pokemon, but I also tend to "melt into" games as I play them, as my self-identity is rather fragile and fluid, making it very easy to feel as if I am literally my player character in a game (not just psychologically; it's like I'm THERE).
I'll write about that another time though. Suffice to say it was quite the experience, and I was on cloud nine by the time we became the new Champion.
Then after the League we had to fight AZ.
Long story short, I used my dear Florges and my beloved Aegislash, because I felt it was fitting... not just because the former was what AZ's Floette could have eventually become, but... also because I adore my ghost sword just as much as this guy adored his little fairy, really.
So we won, and he smiled in understanding, and I really felt the significance of that...
...and then we got THIS cinematic.

I won't even lie, I was in tears.
Sharing it here without further comment because I don't want to forget this.

I was created to be a destroyer figure. I was supposed to thrash the literal hell out of whatever malicious forces had the nerve to stick their ugly heads up here.
But now I'm not allowed to do anything. I can't remember the last time I did my job the way I'm supposed to. The heck is this? Did the game change that much?
Don't get me wrong, I'd LOVE to not have to chop things into bloody pieces anymore. Problem is, there's still a heck of a lot of things in this headspace that NEED to be introduced to my axe, and I'm being forbidden from sending out the invitations, you hear me?
I'm angry. I'm really bloody angry. We're in therapy and we're running in circles with the same freakin' things we've been hiding from since this disaster started. I want this hell to be DONE WITH.
Is leaving it all in the past to gather dust really the best option here? We're walking into the future with absolutely nothing behind us, because the kid refuses to take anything with him. Forget carry-on luggage, we don't even have a freakin' suitcase. Just the clothes on our backs. Is that enough?
Honestly, I hope so. I'm tired.
But I'm even more tired of the fact that we've done this before, and nothing was solved. It just compounded the problem. I'm bloody tired of running, and if someone would just LET me stand my ground for once, maybe something would get done around here.
I don't know. Just gotta let off some steam. It's been a while since I was able to talk, you know.

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@ 12:15 am

God help us, tonight has been difficult as hell.

To whatever kid showed up in the bathroom: I'm here for ya. Whoever the heck you are, you've got a friend in me, aiite? We'll find you a name.
To Algorith: you freakin' pretentious prick, wearing sunglasses indoors at 12 in the bloody morning. Still, thanks for getting us out of that tight situation. Talk to me, let's get this straightened out. I know you're just flying solo but I do not need any more rogues in this system.
To Jay: all you need to know is that you were untouched by this. Even I have to force that to be true. You're spotless.
To Infi: I am so sorry.

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@ 12:26 am

Alrite, Algorith here. Updating because I have a solemn duty to do that.

I'm out in the body after whatever just went down that ended with the body lying on the bedroom floor like a zombie. I'm sure I could access the data but something tells me I dont wanna look at it.
Judging by the fact that I'm out Im gonna guess it was a hack. Not cool. Not like I can do anything about it now though,

I;ve changed, since the last time I was out. I can feel it. The retributors are all being made to change. Guess I was next in line.
Shoot I'm real upset now. Sorry about the typing problems, its awkward.

Oh come on, ze was wearing sunglasses indoors.
I swear, I am so fed up with this. Listen, this is Laurie. I had to punch through because this needs to be written down whether I like it or not.
There was a hack, Algorith was right. Infi was the one it went through, I guess, according to what data I got.
Bunch of blindly manic fronting after it went down, I'd assume. There was at attempted system reset of all godforsaken things, that I had to drag Jay out of, just barely grabbed him. I think he's regressed again, great, just what I need on top of all this. Then he slipped out and I was stuck with this nameless little kid who was too bloody tired to even walk, let alone anything else. Then whaddya know, the freakin' grandmother just HAD to walk in right then, and we had one hell of a meltdown. Geez. I'm really tired of dealing with this.
Marigold was triggered by this, that scared the wits out of me because she wasn't just panicking, she was convinced that not breathing would somehow keep the danger from "seeing her." So the poor kid is trying to hold her breath indefinitely, all while scared to death, so I had to literally reach in and yank her out of there.
Knife showed up to comfort her, wondering what the heck was going on that was setting off so many alarm bells, and then... then I don't bloody know.
There's vague data. There was SEVERE triggering right then, practically broke the fronting consciousness in half. Whoever the heck came out then, they were mute and shaking so badly I can't believe they were still standing. Whenever the heck they got out of there, they apparently zombie-walked into their room? That's the data description, I don't know. All I do know is that they promptly collapsed onto the floor like a rag doll because I tried to get in there and quickly get it to somewhere safe, but then Algorith took over and now we're in the kitchen, so there you go.

Just... God help us Why the heck does this keep happening. And why the heck does it keep targeting the System cores? The heck is going on?
I apologize for the profuse amount of minced oaths here but that's what happens when I'm ticked off, tired, and existentially exhausted. I don't burst into tears, I start spitting nails. Gotta keep my edge up, y'know?

Anyway I guess I should let Algorith back in here. Let them do their job, whatever. It is far too hard to front in this body, the dysphoria is a pain in the back. Its difficult to work a body that's not yours when every surreal second reminds you that hey, that's not my face, these aren't my hands, you get the picture.

Sorry for this bad news. It's been a bad night.
Wish I could say something uplifting, but I'm at a loss. I'm really at a loss right now.
G'night, for all it's worth.

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@ 11:19 pm

quick fragmented update because today was really rough.

crazy fronting this evening
self abusive meltdown caused it I think.
no idea when or how that started, but then cannon came out
shocked that it wasn’t 2009
"I cant do this anymore," but scared of dying from an infection or allergy from the cuts
talking to angels or guides, "don't hurt me," but still trusting.
little yellow boy was out? only a little but his energy is getting clearer.
DAVID was out for a minute in the kitchen; he was stuttering and crying
JEREMIAH took over for him, and that was a shock because he fronted REALLY loudly; he was so genuine, wow. sobbing, hands in hair, upset because he knew these was abuse and figured it was from a hack he didn't buffer, "who had to feel that pain?"
went upstairs, data voices being really loud, he left?
fronters really messy for a while
some "new" person came out to talk to the mother, didn’t know who she was
walked into room, talked to data voices, kept asking how to find a name
jayce took over momentarily, got his fedora, is he STILL pinstripe?? if so we need to review his role!
then someone went in kitchen and sat down with the inpatient hospital papers
the "autistic kid" came out, rubbing table, didn’t talk. wonder who he is?
then sherlock took over, went to get his glasses (he has trouble seeing without them?) and started reviewing the inpatient hospitals. wrote a page! handwriting is all angles, almost greek
after him, one of the young girls wrote a page of 'what to buy,' after that no idea what happened

I don't know what I've done to myself, but I'm reading my archives from December 2011, and I've somehow become so apathetic and empty and fractured since then... what happened to me, between then and now?
It's frightening, to not remember 95% of my entire past, to not remember what it's like to love people, or be inspired, or to have dreams for the future. I want to somehow become the person I was two years ago again, that bright-eyed kid who never felt lost in life... I've fallen so far off that path now that I don't even know my name anymore, let alone anything else.
When did I start ignoring my own safety and wants and needs, when did I become so self-abusive, when did all these harmful addictions start? When did I lose all my hope and finally give up? What did this to me?
Sorry for rambling. I'm just tired of feeling so existentially cavernous that the only thing I want anymore is oblivion.
I don't want to look at the calendar this December and realize that it's the first one I've spent in 10 years without a smile. I don't want to spend another January in the psychiatric ward, or in an inpatient facility, which my therapist is already considering, isn't that reassuring.
But I've lost so much, I've destroyed so much of myself, and the scariest part is that I DON'T REMEMBER what it was like to have the things that I'm missing.
I don't know what to do, and honestly the last tiny spark of light in me is desperate for help, any sort of help.
If you read this, thank you. I apologize again for all this negativity.

(this was such a life-changing, emotionally raw, brutally honest entry that we are actually going to leave it completely uncensored. to edit it in any way would be to take away from the sheer impact and pain of the original event.)

SESSION PARTICIPANTS

LAURIE UBERICH

JAY IRIDOS

INFINITII ETERNOS +MEL V. (GUEST)

063013 20:39PM
J YOU BLOODY IDIOT IF YOU KILL YOURSELF I AM GOING TO BE FURIOUS AS HELL
Whenever you get this, get the hell upstairs. I don't care what you're in the middle of. TALK TO ME.
Those downstairs bitches are screwing with your head something fierce and I REFUSE to just sit back and watch this disaster continue any longer.
Don't you dare die on us, kid.
Talk to me.

070113 4:13PM
I daresay we discussed this last night, and this morning, at least to some extent.
But I agree. This keeps happening, and I know downstairs is a problem. It's weird that they run whenever you're around, for one.
I'm not quite sure what's going on, but we DO need to talk.
Xanga session tomorrow, or tonight?
(p.s. I love you, thank you for not beating the shit out of me for being such an idiot, haha.)

11:34PM
JEWEL DON'T YOU DARE

I'm trying not to.

Fuck you, man. FUCK YOU.
God damn it I cannot do this for another fucking night
I swear to god.
Don't do this shit, please.

Laurie I don't have any fucking methods lying around except pills! That's it, it's unreliable, are you happy now?
I'll be alive and dead for at least one more night.

No. I'm not fucking happy because one day, those goddamn pills will be ENOUGH for you to say "fuck this shit" and down 'em anyway.
I know you, I've seen you get that goddamn close before!!
WHY THE FUCK DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING.

i can't heal, damn it i can't seem to heal and i don't know why
i'm sorry laurie, i love you but i'm sorry this keeps happening.

No fucking SHIT you can't heal, you won't acknowledge the fact that you're MISSING A FUCKING ARM at this point.
You have gone through SO fucking much damage it's a miracle that you can still fucking WALK at this point.
And you STILL insist there is NOTHING WRONG.
THAT IS THE FUCKING PROBLEM.
You know that just as well as I do but you WON'T ADMIT SHIT.

laurie that's the problem this SHOULDNT BE A PROBLEM

FUCK YOU IT IS A PROBLEM
YOU ARE TRYING TO KILL YOURSELF OVER THIS SHIT
THAT MAKES IT A GODDAMNED PROBLEM.
I don't care if you don't think it's legit.
I DO.
THAT'S REASON ENOUGH, GOD DAMN IT.

but laurie julie was right
i shouldnt be sick over this
something is wrong with me

Don't give me that "shouldn't" shit.
Fuck all of that.
Let's focus on what IS happening, which is:
1. You ARE sick.
2. Julie was a BITCH when she said that to you, and you KNOW IT.
3. NOT EVERYONE ON THIS FUCKING PLANET FUNCTIONS THE SAME DAMN WAY.
You're ALLOWED TO BE DIFFERENT.
It's not going to make you a "heathen" or any of that shit, so chill out for God's sake.
J, TALK to me.

I am hold on
do you want to go on xanga or something isntead

Fuck no we don't have time, I want this shit written down so you can look back on it later IF you have another suicidal fucking meltdown, keyword is "IF" because GOD DAMN IT I do NOT want this happening EVER AGAIN, do you hear me?!

yes i hear you laurie
what do i do
if all it does is keep you from getting angry like this
i'll try one more day

You're going to try a FUCK of a lot more than one goddamn day, kid.
I am NOT going to let you die.
Talk to me.
Slowly, if you have to. Do you want me to ask questions? Yank this shit out of your ribcage since you've apparently nailed it shut again?

why laurie
don't take offense to that
but really, why

Fuck off and don't finish that thought.
I won't let you die because I love the hell out of you, kid.
Selfish, maybe, in your eyes at least.
I don't give a shit.
I love you and seeing you go through this shit for as long as I've been ALIVE has been hard enough.
Seeing you hit this point again, three fucking years after we BOTH almost kicked the bucket for the first time, is too goddamned much for ME to take.

i'm having
i'm having a lot of trouble with love right now
i am so sorry
i know it's being misplaced

That's the problem.
Kid, that is the fucking problem right there, and you have no goddamned idea how much it hurts me to see you say that.

go on

Heh.
Good to see you're listening.
But that's my fucking point.
Listen, I don't give a shit WHO you were in the past, none of that matters right now.
Can you look inside and tell me that you can TELL who you are RIGHT NOW?
Beneath all this shit.
Just let me know, can you fucking differentiate who you are from what you aren't? That's step one.

just barely
there's a little glimmer somewhere buried
just a little. i can barely feel it
can't give you any details sorry

That's fine, that's absolutely fine.
Hold on to that.
Okay?

okay
Okay.

Heh. Good to see some punctuation, kid.
Listen, where can we start with this that won't throw you the fuck off your newfound footing?
Can we start by talking about the pain or something?
Shit, I dunno, I don't want to push you too far.
Give me some pointers, kid.

Define "pointers"

Read the rest of the fucking message, I know you skipped it.

Okay, keeping footing. (had to retype that), sorry.
Um... i'm just going to be blunt
i just wrote a blurty entry have you seen it

Kid, capitalize. Fucking capitalize.
Even forced control over a little thing will help you stabilize there. Okay?

Okay.
Have you seen it?

No.
Do you want me to read it now, or check out the headlogs?

Read it please. Maybe you'll see something I missed.

All right, give me a minute, kid.
...
Fuck, I want to reassure you but I don't want it to sound like canned fucking nonsense.
I won't even waste my time writing examples.
Just know that if I had the words, I'd give them to you right now, to help you through. To light things up a little.
But I don't, and it sucks.
Let me read that entry, hold on.
Kid, did you fucking read this YOURSELF?
Because this is EXACTLY what I'm trying to tell you.
Here, let me quote:
"I am terrified when people love me, or want to get close to me in any way."
"I haven't healed at all; the wounds keep getting deeper."
I'm not going to fucking read anymore because I swear to God I am going to cry if I read you apologizing to me for trying to kill yourself even one more goddamned time.

i'm glad i wrote that down sheesh
thank you whoever wrote that

Yeah, no shit.
Pull yourself together, kid.
Blast from the past, huh?

heh. yeah.
I'll capitalize, sorry.
That actually helped.

Good! Fucking great. Now let's talk straight for heaven's sake.
What the hell happened with Infi?
Don't chicken out on me, I know you can talk about this. Be cryptic if you have to.
We need to deal with this shit, don't make me pull another goddamned "Drowning" session on you here.

i might not be able tto capitalize is that ok

Yes, kid do whatever the fuck you need to, just talk to me, please.
What happened-- let's word this shit better-- that made you so fucking suicidal? What happened that made you realize "I'm hurt, I'm not healing, I can't deal with this?"

dissociating
woek up feeling wrong and dead tired
knowing something is broke
i'm not sure i honestly do NOT KNOW

Kid you know SOMETHING and it is right there in that fucking journal entry.
Let me spell it out for you, ready for this shit?

Yes, just hrury up, i think i'm sliping.

Fuck, just hold on there kid, please.
Here, here's the fucking problem:
YOU WERE ABUSED.
Can you read that shit?
Here, let me type it again.
YOU WERE ABUSED, IT ACTUALLY HAPPENED, AND YOU ARE ALLOWED TO ACKNOWLEDGE IT SO YOU CAN FUCKING HEAL FROM IT FOR THE FIRST TIME IN YOUR DAMN LIFE.

I KNOW
ONE OF US KNOWS, OKAY
JEREMIAH KNOWS,, THAT'S WHY HE'S HERE
JULIE KNOWS TOO
YOU KNOW
CHAOS KNOWS
GENESIS KNOWS
EVERYONE KNOWS EXCEPT ME
i'm sorry.
I I can't seem to look right at it

I know. God damn it, kid, I know.

Here, I'm inviting Mel over.
Does that help?

Fuck, sure, let's figure this out.

070213 12:26AM

Laurie, what can I do.
If I had the money, I'd pay for the surgery myself, I swear. I'm so sorry.

Surgery? Wait, fuck, is his dysphoria kicking back in on top of this shit or what??
Wait, hold on, don't listen to me, I'm a fucking mess.
Kid said you wanted to talk. I'll be right there.

I might need to tell you my idea in a separate window...

Sure, hit me.

The only thing I can think of, and I think it would work if we could figure it out, is to smelt the splinters back into a whole person. It probably won't be the same person, but at least it will be whole. That's why I'm asking about fire.

I figured as much.
Don't know if the kid would be too keen on the idea, but it makes sense.

Doesn't matter. Most of the splinters probably would hate the idea, but you have to ask what's best for the system.
And these splinters do not seem like the best thing.

I know, I'm just concerned as fuck about what it would do to J.
I'm really not sure if he could handle having all those sharp edges shoved back into his head at once.
That's kind of what we've been trying and failing to do in small amounts for about two years now.

Can he handle the alternative?
If you've been trying in small amounts, then maybe try all at once.

I really don't know. You're probably right.

It's going to take some planning, though.
And a safe place. You have to make sure that no one will interfere.

I'm sure Infi will lend us his bubble if we need it.

Also, it's not shoving them back into place. Smelting involves melting it down and then recasting it into a new shape.

Good point.
What shape'd you have in mind, then?

Have you tried that?
A heart.
Seems like the best fit for this kid, anyways.

Heh. It does.
And no, we haven't tried actually "melting" the splinters into anything, mostly because I'd have no fucking idea HOW.
But you've got an idea, which is more than I've had concerning this.

You have to have fire/heat/lots of energy. Jo might be able to help, because lightning can deal a lot of instant heat.
But I think it might actually take the red slot being filled and then everyone from the other slots doing everything in their power to smelt the splinters down, and then shape it while it's hot before it forms into the wrong shape.

You know what.
We might not even need fire.

Why not?
Also, you have to gather every single one of the splinters together. If you miss even one, the problem will likely not go away but could even get worse.

Shit, then there's a problem already, heh.
We have NO idea how many there are. We haven't even been able to count them yet.

Then work on that?
It might be difficult, but at least it's a place to start. Also, try not to let them know what's going on. At least a few of them aren't going to be happy.

We are. It's hard enough cataloging all these bastards downstairs.
I don't think they're capable of knowing either. Not unless J knows.

Then don't let J know?
Sorry, I might be starting to slip. I'm trying to stay here, but after a certain time a flip switches and it's difficult for me to comprehend much.

Hey, if you need to go, then go.
I'll handle this. I usually do.
You have done MORE than enough and I appreciate it a hell of a lot.

Are you sure you can handle it without me? J's in a pretty bad place right now.

I'll do what I can. I promise.

That doesn't answer my question.

I guess it doesn't.
Listen, if I need help I'll get some. There are people waiting in the wings should I need them. That's a guarantee.

Where?

Infi, Chaos, Lynne, Genesis, the usual gang.
Shit, you should have seen last night, we had everyone helping out.

I wish I could have been there.

Why's that?

Because maybe then this wouldn't be a problem anymore.

Ah. Yeah, maybe. It'd be nice.

I just remember the feeling of channeling you and Chaos. It was so weird but good at the same time. It felt like we got somewhere with the kid then.

Heheh, yeah, I agree 100%.
I think we did. He thinks about it a lot.

Do you remember it?
I'm curious. When you were around, you told me no wonder the two of us didn't get along in person. We work on completely different frequencies.

Vaguely. It's a little waterlogged, haha.

I can always tell when you're around because your energy is different than everyone elses.
I'll never forget what Chaos feels like.
Sorry, I'm getting all sentimental and happy.
*sappy

I'm chuckling at that typo.
But shit, yeah, Chaos is INSANE.

Well I guess it's different because we're both water types so we just kind of meshed.
It's like when the river pours into the ocean, you can't tell the types of water apart anymore.

Makes sense.
I'm just... fuck. Not used to that sort of depth. Not like that.

What do you mean?

I've been around CZ since then.
More accurately, when he's been around J.
And I'll tell you what, I can barely stay in the room sometimes.
It's you water people, I swear, you and your inner oceans.

It's not quite the same, between he and I and he and J.
I think it's similar, but not the same.

You have no idea.
Yeah, the reactions are similar.

No, I don't.
I miss that , sometimes. I really wish I could bond to Q like that because it's the most beautiful thing.

Heh. I'll have to tell him you said that, if you don't mind.
...They've been having some trouble recently, to say the least.
Breaks my heart really.
Don't you ever get like this, y'hear?

Like what?

Like J is right now.
Doubting every bit of love in his heart because he's fucking terrified of what he's been told about it.
I don't even fucking know.
He's a mess and it breaks my heart.

I have Q as my anchor, so even though things get bad I don't think that they will ever get that bad.

Shit.

What?

I'm glad to hear that, Mel.
I'm just really torn up about this.
Whoa, emotional honesty from Laurie, talk about a rarity.

I'm glad I could witness it.
And I can see why you would be.

Yeah, it's rough.
Sometimes I really, really doubt my ability to keep him safe anymore.
Talk about an existential crisis.

Yeah, since that's your entire duty.
Just, don't give up on him.

I won't.

I don't know that it was exactly like this, but I had a lot of trauma I was dealing with from the first 18 years of my life. Even though nothing seemed to change for a long time, Q did not give up on me. He kept telling me the things I would never hear from other people and it wasn't until I got out of the environment that made all of the noise and gave me the wrong impressions that he was able to get through for more than a few days at a time.
Seems like something similar is going on.

It does.

So the only permanent solution is getting out of that house and then you continue to tell him that. Until then, just keep him alive.
I'm sorry I can't help out more with that.

S'fine, I know that's important.
I'm just scared as shit because I swear, his family hasn't said a fucking word to him about this stuff in months.
Yes, there are triggers, but all the real nasty shit is in his head now.

His family is not going to help him.
Wait, I might have understood him wrong.
Them not saying anything can actually make it worse.
It can make J think that he's making stuff up and that they were never actually as bad as he thought they were, so then he's the horrible person because he thinks badly of them when he has every right to think badly of them.

Aha, good, I thought that was an issue.
Good to see we're on the same page.
He's already thinking that.

I know. I went through the same thing myself.
They might have changed now, but that doesn't mean that at one point they weren't bad people.

He has a very hard time understanding that.
Ironically, his brain seems to be very black and white.
"If they aren't bad now, they were never bad at all."
It drives me fucking bonkers.

Nothing works that way.

Yeah, I know.

You can't even sketch without shades of gray.

CZ is real messed up by it too because he deals with it personally every fucking night.
I like that comparison, btw.

Share it with him if you think it will help.

Will do.

I seriously do need to go. Please feel free to keep talking in the same window, as I would like to check the message in the morning just so I can know what you've talked about.

Sure thing.

And as always, let me know if there's anything else I can do.

I will. Thanks again, really.

Anytime. Just...don't let him die. I don't think I could handle that.

I swear on my life that I won't.
He'll be here in the morning.

Thank you for doing what I can't

Same to you, friend.

2:31AM

070213 12:35AM

Whoa, wait, sorry, is this a new window?

Ahaha, yes it is, you fucking idiot.

Yeah it is, but that's fine.

She said stay in the other chat box.
Oh, hey Mel. Sorry to interrupt.

This works better, it's fine
Can tell you apart better.

okay.

All right, so where are we picking up from?

So tell me what's going on.

Mel, did you make any progress with this kid?

Uh, what do you mean by progress?

Well I've been trying for the past fucking half hour or so to get him to at least ADMIT that he's in pain for a legitimate reason.
Haven't quite gotten there yet.

He's talking to me, which is more than I've been able to do.
In the past, anyways.
Even if he hasn't admitted it, I can tell he's in serious pain.

Good, that makes two of us then.

i told you laurie SOMEONE knows abot the pain but theyre hidden deep i think

The only thing I can think of is that kid needs to get help from people who care. I just don't know how and I'm looking for anything.

you care yorue helping

Kid, she means someone BESIDES her and I for once.
Also.

People who care and have the ability to get you out of this situation and to real progress. I couldn't support you in the way you needed.

You said Jeremiah exists because of this shit, that he knows and I know and basically EVERYONE fucking knows why you're suffering right now EXCEPT YOU.

Who is Jeremiah?
I know I've heard his name before, but I am drawing a blank.

Downstairs guy. Pinkish. Fucking terrified of women.
We just brought him upstairs last night, hoping to get him the hell away from what's perpetuating HIS chronic state of paranoia.

And he exists because of what exactly?

Sexual abuse.

DON'T TALK ABOUT THAT
SHUT UP.

YOU SHUT UP, GET THE HELL OUT OF THE KID'S CHAT.
J, get back here.

trying.
hold on

And the PTSD from that is causing the suicide urges/attempts/whatever they are?

yes

Sorry, I'm not familiar with the jargon and I don't want to call it the wrong thing.

there i said it are you happy
no its okay

Yes, bottom line is, he's hurt as hell and it keeps coming back to haunt him.
Honestly I've been crossing my fingers hoping he wouldn't crash like this again, but I guess it was only a matter of time.

Have you considered getting the PTSD treated aside from the other issues?

yes weve tried all the time.

It's okay, I'm not going anywhere. My research is actually paying off. I've been reading the archive, so I'm familiar with what was recorded between 2003 and 2011.

Really? Haha, see kid, I told you not to delete that thing.

i guess

Please don't. It's helping me more than you know.

i mean i cant remember it anyway so

Believe me, I'm keeping it up there.
Held off quite a few attempts already.

What can I do? I just feel so limited in my ability to help, but I want to help.
Laurie, if it gets bad enough, would you be able to call for help? Like calling 911 if it came down to it?

Fuck, if I had to I'd saw off my own damn arm if it'd help him.
I can talk on phones. If shit gets that bad, I'll do it.

Apparently, you can ask for someone who is crisis intervention trained and they'll approach it in a much better way than the cops would.
Has it gotten that bad? How bad has it gotten?

I'll make a note of that, thanks Mel.
It's... he's playing with suicide methods now. Kind of testing it out, y'know.
Got me freaked the hell out is what.

Because staying in that house is not an option. Not with the way everyone in that house acts.

stop telling people

J, someone needs to know.
And I am probably the only person in the world downstairs that cares enough to be here and not write you off as a complete nutcase/something that can't be treated.
Sorry if I'm addressing the wrong person. I'm not familiar enough with people up there to know who is talking when.

no, j is fine, i'm still here somewhere.
i'm a splintered mess of jumbled pieces but i can still hear you underneath it all

Which is good to hear, kid.

Yes, it is.

Listen... fuck, I don't know if I should say this.
Don't give Infi the cold shoulder because of this shit.
Just please, don't.
Chaos is taking it hard enough.
I am too.
Don't pull this shit on someone else.
All right?

laurie i dont know how NOT to right now
im sorry.

Fuck, you said ONE of you knew what the deal was, can HE at least try and sort through this shit without ignoring that it happened in the first place??

I am trying but there is a VERY fierce buffer on and it is VERY hard to type.
Look, I'm even capitalizing, how's that?

It's a good sign, kid.
Is that you, I assume? J?
"Mister Iridos," should I say?

I'm a bit lost.

Haha, yeah, that's me.
Sorry Mel, give me a moment love.
Laurie I know what's up, I know what happened, I'm personally not bothered by it.

You got it.

Problem is I am one little tiny piece of myself right now, if that makes sense.

It does, kid, believe me it does.
At least YOU know.

I think I got lost at "Don't give Infi the cold shoulder"
Everything after that I don't understand.

Heheh, sorry 'bout that. I'll clarify in a sec.
J, tell me you at least KNOW that there IS a problem, even if half of you insists it "shouldn't exist?"

Also, I read an incredibly relevant thing from the old xanga today.
Let me find it.

Really? Pray tell.

Also, yes, sorry I was in another window, yes I know there is a problem.
The second half of that is tough.
I'm not sure where the weird mindset came from, let me try to word it:

It's from this entry: https://prismaticbleed.dreamwidth.org/246018.html
Mainly this: "That's not enough anymore. You know what really made this hurt? You know what really drove this point into my ribs? Every night, you ask Chaos if he still loves you. Every goddamn night for as long as I can remember. And you don't say it out of habit-- you honestly fear that his answer will be no, because you honestly believe that you're not worth loving after all the hells you've managed to struggle through. God, Jewel, that man's soul is permanently connected to yours and he chose that, five years ago!
...
He is not going to change his answer, ever. I am not going to change my answer, ever. Until you accept that, until you learn to genuinely forgive yourself and realize that you are NOT a bad person, we are not going to get anywhere. You may think it's your biggest weakness anymore... but your heart, as paradoxically innocent as it is, will always be the strongest thing about you. You know what I mean."
Emphasis on the second half.

Hold up, geez, let me read that.
Oh my god, I JUST referenced that entry at him ten minutes ago.

Haha.

ahahaha wow
WOW
universe is being loud, wow

Yup.

um. where was i. explanation.

Where the weird mindset came from in not wanting Laurie to say things.

"I was badly damaged a long time ago, but I convinced myself it was my fault, because my abuser AND my entire social network essentially told me that "I should want that sort of thing to happen to me." So I perpetuated it because I was CONVINCED that I "needed fixing," even if I was terrified and in pain. After so long, I believed that lie I told myself, except now, I'm too damaged to tell what is a lie and what isn't anymore."
That is me TRYING to put this main problem into a coherent paragraph?
In response to you telling me to "acknowledge this shit" earlier, Laurie, excuse my language.

No one should want that sort of thing to happen to them.
Ever.
That is rape culture and it's disgusting and pervasive and horrible and it's one of the most evil things to ever be on this earth.

THANK you.

This society needs fixing. You may need fixing, but you do not need to be fixed in that you feel like you need to want that sort of thing to happen to you.

but it's it's true though
they all told me it is true

I think what needs fixing is the damage that happened from it.
IT IS A LIE

what is

No one should want to be raped.
That is not the truth.
No one should be expected to want sex.

she was fixing me there is something inherently wrong with me if i didn't seek that out msyelf
i have to i'm wrong if i don't

Kid, shut the FUCK up if you're going to keep spouting that nonsense.
That is UTTER BULLSHIT.

I don't believe you.

Where the hell did you get that perspective from???

No Laurie, I don't think he should shut up.

J, not Mel, sorry.

I think that we should address this.
That perspective comes from most of the world, Laurie.
It's disgusting.

...Sorry. Honestly, I'm losing my cool here.
Go on.

Who was fixing you, J?

julie mostly
ththen 2011 happened and

What was she fixing?

fuck i dont want to talk abot it

You have to.

ghgkds

J, fucking hold on, you can do this.

This will never get solved if you never talk about it.

i dont want to look at it
im not supposed to look at it

Look at what?

tell it to go away
the thing
things that happened

Who is talking right now?

someone??
someone under the guise of "j"
pieces.

Shit, we're at this point again.
God damn.
Keep talking, sorry.

Laurie, what's going on?

He's too damn compartmentalized.

I'm not sure I understand.

He's got this mindset that he needs to keep himself pure as ever, so anything that "threatens that" gets chucked in the splinter bin.
Break off that memory, forget it ever happened.
He KEEPS DOING THAT and frankly I didn't realize to what extent it's been happening until the past year or so.
Too damn late, sadly.

So these memories got chucked in the splinter bin, but the PTSD from it is still around?

Yeah. It's just attached to them instead.
So when he's faced with a problem, we have two outcomes:

So then why is J considering suicide?

Because mister "I'm untouched by everything!" can't keep faking it anymore.

Also, is there anyone in the system that has a fire element or can smelt things together?

It's getting impossible.

Aside from J.

He used to be that person, haha.
Now I don't fucking know. I'll have to look.
But as I was saying, two options.

Please do. I have an idea. But tell me your options.

One, ignore the existence of any and all pain and problems.
Basically, that's why we get fucking NOWHERE with therapists.
The "pure J" fronts and is all "hey doc, I dunno why I'm here, I'm untouched and spotless, never been sad a day in my life!"

And two?

Option two is to stop lying.
But he can't do that, by his self-inflicted function as "the pure one."
So the splinters come out instead.

I'm not sure I quite understand.

Because those are the parts of him that DO remember, and DO hurt, but he refuses to acknowledge their existence.
So right now we're talking to pieces of his psyche, not the whole guy. If that makes sense.

Yes, it does.

He can't "be whole" UNLESS he accepts all that shit and heals.
And he fucking WON'T DO THAT.

But are things still getting through?

Yeah. It registers, somewhere. I

Can he hear what we are saying?

Fuck, sorry.
I've noticed that it does.

That what does what?

Things get through, even if the "real" J isn't out front.
So yeah. Deep down he hears us, even if it'll only "register" later.

Find me someone who has fire or can smelt things. I guess metal or glass might also work?

that was all me and fire is tied to red no one else has it yet

See, told you.

What does his boss deal with and what are the splinters made of?

His boss deals with snow from what I've seen, snow and dreamdust.

splinters are me
made of me

Can you tell me what everyone else deals with?

little bits and peices like tat poem someone wrote a long LONG time ago

Shit, uh, some of us aren't sure yet but this is what I've got:

Anything would help.

Me: Space, used to be lightning
Leon/ Markus: Ice
Julie/ Ryman: Shadow
Chaos: Water
Genesis: Light, air (sometimes)
Lynne: Sound
Nathaniel: Plants
Infinitii: Space
And J's Heart as far as I'm concerned.

Who is Ryman and Markus?

Ryou and Marik, they go by different names in headspace.

Oh, okay.
Does anyone deal with metal?
Or molten things?
Also, is J himself a splinter?

yes, finally someone gets it

Wait, wait wait wait.
I thought-- really?

So J no longer deals with fire?

yes, duh laurie, i wasn't even alive a few years ago, you know this.

Shit.
And no, no he doesn't, not since he left RED.
He says it "feels wrong."

So no one deals with fire.

No one that we know of, sorry 'bout that.
Jewel might. Or whatever her name is.
But I don't know if she's capable of surviving within headspace.
She's old and VERY context-locked.
Downstairs people, y'know. They're a mess.

What about Jo, Spine and Xennie?
She may not need to?

I think Jo took my lightning when I gave it up.
Spine's... shit, she's corporeal now, and a dragon. Maybe she can do fire?
Hell, she's close enough to the RED slot anyway. I'll have to check in with her.

Can you please?

Xennie's steam as far as we all can tell, haha. Not sure if that'll change in the future or not.
Sure, hold up, let me ask Lynne.
We're getting something, but it's not exactly "traditional fire," to quote Lynne.
She'll work on it.

What is it?

It looks like fire but it's not the burning kind. Too orange, really.
Red fire, the stuff that we need, is locked into that slot.
Someone keeps trying to manifest there but there's not enough of an anchor for some goddamned reason.
If he'd stick, it'd probably help a hell of a lot.
But honestly I think either J or Infi are locking it. Probably J, with the splinters and all.

Is there a way to get him to stick long enough to make it work?

No clue. He might need a name first. Keeps insisting he'll "find the right one soon enough." He'd better hurry his ass up, then.

i tried to name him but he said no

I know, I was there when it happened.

Who?

the red guy, whoever is trying to move in there
i tried to name him but THEN
i thouht "what if that slot needs to be empty"
so maybe im keeping him aout accidentally i dunno

Fuck, if you are, that would explain so much of this shit...
Have you asked Infi?

Why would a slot need to be empty?

pepole
people, me and infi maybe
i was thinking, "what if i need the red empty to move into, so i can interact with people"
but laurie and infi said that's me breaking musyelf into smaller pieces again?

Was that when you were purging all the color out of your White?
Then yes, don't do that.

Can only the red interact with people? Also why can't you hold multiple slots?

oh oh oh i remember infi told me something today?? and someone else laurie were yuo there

Hold up, let me answer Mel, sheesh.
No, J was thinking that in being White, he had to "cut himself off from everything." Infinitii has since clarified that that is the "polar opposite" of what White actually is as a color here.
We can't hold multiple slots because of how the System works. The Spectrum, whatever.
Headvoices each move into a role. One role, to protect everyone else. Each role has a color.
At least, that's what I get out of it. The whole damn thing is weird and mysterious to me.

What did Infi tell you?

he said hehe said that "white and black hold part of ALL the other colors"
so i don't need to move from slot to slot, i can just be white WITH red, and that'll be okay.
mostly it's just making sure i don't go all crazy and say "i have to be colorless and empty!" which is bad but i've done it.

Then listen to him.

I think that's where our problem tonight started, actually...
J, am I right?

um
what

Listening to Infi.
Or should I say, "misinterpreting him."
As fucking usual.

I was NOT misinterpreting YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHAT THAT SHIT WAS

Ah.

Whoa, goddamn.

laurie help

Kid, I am RIGHT here, what is going on?

fssfsfs. fff.
Slipping, a little. You hit something there.

Yeah, no shit.

Okay. What did you say?

I said I read that goddamned entry.
I know that whatever the hell happened to trigger that meltdown, it was because of Infi-- or rather, how you were perceiving him.

Which one?

Am I right, or am I right?
The newest one. He threw it at me an hour ago.

Where is it?

Jeepers it is REALLY hard to answer that without someone screaming.
It's on Adakias. I didn't even get to read it yet, I'm not sure what it says.

It's about everything I'm trying to get you to admit is what.
Whoever the hell wrote it knew what they were talking about, I'll say that much.

...Oh, oh okay, wow.
First sentence was enough to make my brain go "WHOA STOP READING"

Want me to paraphrase then?

No, I think I got it.
I still have memory access even if it's vague and informational.

I just read it.

Did you now.

Yeah. Doesn't sound like J.

I don't think I wrote it. I mean, I'd know if I did!

Yeah, no shit.
But you said you know what's in it, roughly at leats?
*least, sorry.
Sounding like Roxy Lalonde here.

Well you are my beloved moirail you know.
Anyway, yes, I know.
I was with Infi before things went over the deep end, actually.

It sounds like J is not the one who wants to take his own life, unless I'm reading it wrong.

I really don't. I love everyone up here too much to do so, if nothing else.

Then who wants to?

Whatever part of me holds the pain.
I try not to pay attention to that part.
Which, unfortunately, causes more trouble than it may be worth?

It most certainly does.

Told you kid, you can't sweep the scars under the rug and pretend that somehow has rewritten the past.
I know you tried.
Insert meaningful glare here.

Yeah, I know.
I was desperate.
Still am, I guess.

Then stop trying things that don't work anymore.

I guess I'm too desperate to accept that it ISN'T working?
That's a hardwired process of mine, actually.
"Keep trying, one day it'll work!"
Then I'm three years down the line with no progress, running a circle into the floor.

It's your indomitable hope, kid. That can be fatal, you know.

You can still break it, you know.

Too much of a good thing.

I know, to both of your points.
I guess I'm just unsure what path to take now.
Especially since I keep hiding pieces of the past from myself.

You can keep trying to fix it, but that doesn't mean you have to use the same solution.
Go back and read your archive, for starters.

I've been trying to, here and there.

That seems like it will help tons.
It's helped me understand why things happened the way they did.

It's difficult. I keep stopping because I'm honestly terrified of remembering some things.
It feels like the only reason I'm NOT dead is because I've forgotten most of the past decade.

You're not dead because people up here love the hell out of you, and we won't let you die because of something as fucking stupid as this mess.

Why?

Why I'm scared of remembering?
Or what?

Why do you say that the only reason you're not dead is because you've forgotten most of the past decade?
Are you really alive right now?

I am.
But I'm not... not as alive as I could be, I suppose.
There's a lot of stuff tying me down. Keeping me from flying, if you want to use that analogy.

Kid, why are you so damn afraid?
Does it honestly ALL tie back into the Julie days, if you wanna use that term for it?

Not entirely.
Most of it is because of how I reacted to it, as I said.

I seriously think it's that house. Just listening to a voice message from the mother actually sent me into an episode. I can't imagine having to live with that.

The convincing myself that I really WAS broken.
Oh geez, I forgot she did that, I am so sorry.

And then add to it the Julie stuff and it's actually a miracle the kid's still alive.
It's not your fault at all.

I keep trying to tell him that.
He doesn't believe it yet.

Keep telling him.
It may seem futile, but it helps.

I won't stop 'til the day I die, that's a promise.

Even if it doesn't seem like it.
And I will keep telling him too.

And then maybe I'll come back as a ghost and haunt his ass if he hasn't straightened out yet, haha.
Thanks.

Pfff, see this is why I love you.
Both of you.

Well hey, you can't really die. The few times we all thought you did, you came over to my head. Don't know how that works, but use it if you need to.

You really don't give up on me, do you.

I have my ways around, and out.

Not for good, anyways.

Kid's looking out for me too, what can I say.
Hint hint.

Who?

J.
I do believe we talked about this too, boy.

About?

Looking out for each other.

Specifically a certain fucking incident the LAST time you tried to pull this suicide shit on me.
We've talked about this.

...
would you really do that again.?
you know
the
dying thing

For fuck's sake kid, if it would save your life, then yes.
Otherwise, hell no, I told you I'm sticking around.
Don't you die on me either, I swear to God, I'm not the only one that loves you and that is NOT selfish, don't you fucking dare call me selfish for saying that again.

Besides, Laurie can't stay dead.

I love the hell out of you kid, it breaks my goddamned heart to see you like this, because I KNOW that three years ago I could have stopped this on a dime.
Yes I fucking can.

Not if J needs you.
And how could you have stopped this, Laurie?

...I hope that's the case.
Before, we had a face to the problem.
We had Julie, and J KNEW she was wrong in what she did.

Yeah, but did you know about the problem like you know about it now?

Then fuck-all happened, and now JULIE'S the one with a sane head on her shoulders, and J is fucking CONVINCED he's the real one at fault here.
No.
Ironically that's what made this worse. Now we KNOW, and his mind can't comprehend it or something. It keeps getting twisted.
But personally I think this muck needs to be trudged through before we can move on.

How did that happen?

Which part?

The switch.

With J feeling like he's solely responsible?

The switch from Julie being sane to J convinced he's at fault.

Because Julie only joined us because she KNEW she had been wrong to do what she did.
Somewhere down the line, though, J became convinced that the only reason why he had hurt at ALL was because he MADE it hurt. That he was responsible for "turning everyone else into the bad guys."

Ah.
Also, it should be right about 222 over there. Not sure what is means, but it seemed like it was important to point out.

isnt' that how hurt works though?
oh that is important yes thank you

No, kid, it isn't.
If I cut you, you bleed.
Whether or not you decide to acknowledge the injury isn't going to make it disappear, or cease to have happened in the first place.

What is the significance of 22?
Right.

222 is a nice number
i like triple digits they make me feel less awful.
like "hey kid you're doing all right! here's a little sign to reassure you"

Heh.

Then remember it.

i will
a little confusing but i'll listen
laurie

What?

did i do something wrong
i feel like i did something really bad
and i feel really bad and sad about it
i dont want to hurt people

Kid, if you've done anything to "hurt people" today, it's not your fault. Not like that.
I'm only in pain right now because I care. It's called empathy.
You're not "hurting me," for the record.

okay.
but infi
i
did i hurt him?

No, fuck, he's right here and he says no.
"You didn't hurt me at all," there, that's a direct quote.
Capisce?

hehe yeah.
no really i do.

Good.
But you're hurting though.
Badly.
Do you remember why?

its guilt.

Guilt for what?
You didn't hurt him, so check that off your list.

oh
no its
im sorry i cant say it.

S'okay, I know.
Do you want me to keep talking?

maybe.
not sure what i need to say right now, laurie.

I'm just trying to get you to forgive yourself, even if it's just for tonight.
I want you to be able to sleep without fucking crying, or being terrified of what might be waiting for you there.
Kid, that wasn't your fucking fault.
It never was and never will be.

yes
it
is
it is my fault an d you know it

What's your fault, then?
Are we even on the same fucking page?
Because it sounds to me like you're blaming yourself for something you...
Oh.
Shit, I'm sorry.

no its okay
i know what youre thinking
and i wasnt thinking of that
but maybe i shold have been.
i think thats when everything started to go downhill?

Infi agrees that I should "bring up June."
As in, the drowning session.
I daresay we've had this conversation already, in different words?

different words different contexts laurie please

No it's not.
Holy shit, sorry, Infi's trying to talk.

about

About earlier this evening, obviously.
He says he's sorry, as he "didn't think that would happen."
To which I say be fucking careful, Infi, you know the kid's fragile.
Aaand he's still sorry, maybe even moreso.
Fuck, this guy really was yanked outta your ribs, wasn't he.

shush laurie let him talk

Really now?
And who will he be talking to, dare I ask.

me
j
in a minute
let me get through.
sorry this is difficult

No problem, kid.
Take your time.
I kind of want to talk to you right now, for sure.

Okay.
I think I'm here.

Good.
Now I do believe we were discussing misplaced guilt.

Yeah.
It's a tough subject.
And an old one.

Let me cut right to the heart of this, okay?
I understand where the guilt is coming from.
It's residual.
That shit's gonna be hard to scrape off, I won't deny that.
But kid, you KNOW it's not true.
Don't you?

What isn't true?
There's a lot of gunk stuck to my soul concerning that subject, I've noticed.

I think we all have.
All right, let me ask you this first.
Do you feel like you're abusing people?
Because you're NOT.
Is that thought still lingering though?

No.
Not at all.
And that is why this is so difficult for me.
There is NO VICTIM ANYMORE.
My brain refuses to acknowledge that word either, with how it refuses to acknowledge pain as "unwanted."
Which is another big problem, seeing as my mind chose THAT word to describe it...

No shit.
But it makes sense to me, kid.
From what I've heard lately, you DO want pain.
You want pain really fucking badly, because to you, pain is something you understand.
Right? You sure as hell don't understand this.
I know that much.

It scares me, really.
And I'll be honest with you too.
I'm looking for pain because it's concrete. It's definable. People outside of myself will acknowledge it, if it's bad enough.
Since I can't get the guts to admit pain on my own, I'm hoping that if I'm damaged enough, someone else will force me to admit it then.

I daresay you've already been damaged enough, kid.

Not according to my brain I'm not.
And not according to some people downstairs I'm not, either.

Fuck what they think, seriously.
You do NOT need someone else to "validate your pain" in order for your suffering to be real. That's bullshit.

Is it really?
I can't tell if it is or isn't anymore.

So I've heard.
But you're being kinda hypocritical here kid.
You're looking for outside validation because obviously, some part of you WANTS to be able to accept this shit. Because guess what, once you do that-- bam, you can start to heal from it.
Can't do any of that shit if you won't even look at the wound in the first place.

As I said, yeah.

Did you? Sorry, I'm tired as fuck here.

Really?

Fuck yes really, I've been at this for at least three goddamn hours.
Thanks to you freaking the hell out of me last night with your goddamned Google search history.
Seriously, J, what the fuck.
What the everloving fuck.
Do you really... do you really want to die, that badly, when that happens?

Yeah.
I've attempted before, you know that.

'Course I do.
...
meaningful pause.
Infi's not taking this well

Doesn't he know?
He's got Black-slot access to the memory banks, doesn't he?

He says, and I quote,
"That doesn't make it any easier to deal with when it happens again."
He's never fucking SEEN you like this, kid.
Infi's new. He didn't live through 2010. He wasn't here for 2012.
And frankly, this is the worst I'VE seen you, in some ways.
Again, he's not taking this well.
I think you know why?

I do.
But part of me is very pissed off at that fact.

Which fact?

It won't say it. Thinks it's "dirty."
But I know.
It's because he loves me, isn't it.

Bingo.
As do I.
What does your fucking splinter have to say about that, huh?

I'm not going to repeat what it's saying.
You know a lot of these things feel like parasites. With a clear head it's easier to tell.

Could be.
Wouldn't be the first time something along those lines has happened.
Don't you fucking dare blame yourself for it either.

I won't, I know it's not me.

So.
You wrote the toughest sentence, now where do we go from here?
How about to that fucking post you typed a few hours ago?
Which basically admits that-- to say this for the billionth fucking time-- all you're doing here is projecting.
And yes, EVEN in that context.
PROJECTING.
Infi would never hurt you, neither would anyone else up here who loves you like that. NO ONE.
Do you know why?
It's because that shit is INCOMPATIBLE WITH IT.

It can't be, it worked together before.

Did it really?
Did it fucking really??
Think about it, J.

Why do we keep having this conversation?

Because it hasn't registered yet, obviously.

No, no no no, it HAS.
That's the problem!

How the fuck is that a problem??

Because of my stupid black and white thinking. (How ironic is that, too.)
I can't... oh god I did have this exact conversation with you before.

The drowning session, if I would hazard a guess?

Obviously.
But, no, not just that, I've been at this SAME PLACE before.
Like I actually said that same damn sentence.
I remember.

Which sentence?

About the sides.
The stupid, black and white, "all or nothing" fucking sides.
I don't remember the exact words.

Can you find them?
I'm kind of curious as to when this happened and how.

Not easily, no. I'm sorry.
But I remember the gist of it.
It was how I... last year I think, 2012, or 2011, when we started to heal this stuff.
I was talking about Chaos.
And this.
This stupid, stupid problem.
Oh no wait, I found it.

Heheh, I was waiting for that.
Link me up, boy.

December 2011. Relevant. I don't remember that month at all.
"I cannot come to a conclusion here, not when one side is sheer agony and the other side is him."
Same damn problem right now, as hard as it is to admit.

Kid, I said give me the link, please.

https://prismaticbleed.dreamwidth.org/311225.html
I didn't read it yet.

I didn't ask you to.
We'll read it together tomorrow if you want.
Personally I'm starting to think this issue is too big to tackle tonight.
At least, not entirely.
I mean, fuck, it's already 3AM. I don't need you pulling a Johnny-nighter on top of all this.

Oh wow, I remember those.
Jeepers. Those were simpler times.
Wow.

They really were.
Kind of really fucking stupid how I almost feel nostalgic for 'em.
So much we didn't know.
And I was a bitch.

You were not.

I was too, I treated you like shit half the time.
I don't give a damn if it worked, I can't help but think I contributed to this fucking pain addiction of yours.
And I'm sorry for that, if that's the case, because you should find comfort in something OTHER than pain for God's sake.

I know.
I
I'm trying.

Kid, believe me, I know you are.
But it's late, and someone REALLY fucking wants to talk to you.
Would you mind?

Wait, wait.
wait.

What?

I'm in danger mode again. The other one.
"Problems, what problems?"
My brain is honestly trying to ignore the fact that I JUST had a suicidal meltdown over this.
And it's tempting. It's damn tempting.
I want to forget about all of this.

Don't.
I'm sorry, kid, but I can't let you purge this one from your skull.
If you do that, we'll just have to deal with it again later.
And fate might not be so merciful next time.
So to speak.
I wasn't kidding, this guy really wants to talk to you. Do I have a green light or what?

I know.
Maybe that's the stupid lesson I never learned.
Maybe that's the reason time keeps looping.
It's been three years this week, you know.

Three years yesterday, actually.
We actually did pull an all-nighter then.
Fucking hell, I guess time really IS looping??

See, I knew I was on to something when I started writing out the event charts.
Remember, I actually had January mapped out?
I was trying to see if similar things happened on similar dates. It REALLY lined up for a while, then I slacked off...
Creepy, really.
But intriguing.

No kidding.
But kid, we can do that tomorrow.

I know. I know.
Let him in.
Don't give me a chance to say no.

Done and done.

Laurie Uberich added Infinitii Eternos.

There he is.

Wait, you mean he even--???

do you have any idea how difficult this is for me
im working through the ap jewel.

Geez man, I'm sorry, you don't have to if you don't want to. I know it's difficult for you to channel lately.

it wasnt back in april
remember?
do you know why that was

...Because the events of June hadn't happened yet?

partly
partly.
but you weren't so lost then.
remember?

Holy fuck it feels like there's a goddamned angel in the room, Infi what ARE you??

He's made of black energy, it's heavy stuff. Right?

it shouldnt be
thats the problem.
you think i am.
i'm not.
do you understand?

I'm having a hard time.
I feel like someone's about to cry. Is that you?
I do understand, somewhere too far down for it to mean much maybe.

no
j that is the point
it is deep down because that is what this is too
and yes i am about to cry.

I can tell. Emphasis on that.
Laurie, are you getting any of this?

I am having a very fucking difficult time holding mhyself together thank you very much, just talk to him and let me listen.
God damn Infi you are worse than Chaos, I did not think that was possible.

it is
by my nature
i don't keep secrets
if you know how to look.
jewel
are you there?

Yeah, I'm here.

do you understand what i told you?
black energy is not heavy
and it is certainly not evil
you have been misinformed.
deliberately.

Why?

Why the fuck else??? Have you SEEN the conversation we've been having for the past 4 fucking hours plus???
God damn it Jewel they are TEARING YOU APART and they KNOW THEY ARE DOING IT.
I can't fucking let them do that anymore.
I can't.

laurie calm down half of that is not you

Fucking hell, Infi, I need to wear armor around you at this point.
Like literal fucking armor.
...But my point stands, actually.
You're important, J. To us, at least. You've said before that that's enough.
You're an anchorpoint for ALL of us upstairs, and sometimes I think it's the other way around too.
Point is you're important.
And there are people in this system, who don't fucking belong here, who don't like that. You know who they are.
They don't like you, and they don't like Infi, and they sure as hell don't like the two of you working together.
Kid, we are so goddamned close to fixing this. When I look back I can see it.
But "it's darkest before the dawn" and all that, you know.
...
Did you ever have a thing about sunrises?
I know you have sunsets and rainbows and all that, but... not sure about sunrises.
If not, you should.
Because goddamn, we are headed straight towards one.
I can feel it.
Trust me, kid.
Please.
Don't fucking die.

...
I honestly don't know how to respond to that in words. I'm sorry, love.

Then don't.
You're clearer without words anyway.

Infi?

?

I don't hate you.
I doubt I ever did, and I'm sorry if I made you think otherwise.

you didn't.
i can tell.

Good to know.
I'm not sure how to end this conversation.
Infi, what do you need from me?
I think that's the only thing I can ask right now.

nothing.
i do not need anything from you
it doesnt work like that

Tell him not to die.

laurie says not to die, j.

Don't you sass me, you little runt, I'm an emotional mess over here.
thanks though.

you are welcome, laurie.
but j, don't die on me either.

So you don't need anything from me.
Nothing at all.
Even after how I treated you today.

why would i
and you did nothing to harm me jewel.

Really.
You seemed pretty hurt out there before.

jewel
i dont think you understand how i experience emotions.
yes i was in pain.
but it was not offense or injury.

Then what was it?

I think you fuckign know.
shit.
October fucking 2010, J.

what about it

Don't play ignorant with me, damn it.
Not now.
your goddamned suicide attempt didn't offend me and you sure as hell didn't come after me with a knife.
Do you remember what I fucking said?

when

Before I got this fucking scar.
Listen, I don't have the fucking words to say this eloquently either.
Life got bad. Difficult as hell.
I wanted to die, too. But why?
Because I couldn't do SHIT to keep you from feeling like that either.
You lost so goddamned much and you didn't fucking know and... I couldn't do it, kid. I couldn't stand to see you hurt anymore.
Point is the pain wasn't your fucking fault.
Shit I hate words at 3AM.

you love him too.
that is what you are trying to say

Yeah.
Yeah it is.
100 fucking percent.
Damn it, J, I'm sorry I pulled that suicide shit on you back then but please, for the love of God, don't... please don't do it again.
I don't want to be selfish, but damn it I love you, and I don't know how the hell to deliver you from this pain anymore.
I'm doing what I can.
Just stay with me.
Please.

Laurie.
Laurie, sweetheart, let me quote something at you.
I wrote this yesterday.
I'm so damn tired. Most days I want to just... leave everything.
But I can't find it in my heart to leave them. I never asked for them, but so help me God, I cannot fathom ever actually rejecting them.
There you go, guys. Put that confession aside for a rainy day, when I'm about to jump off a roof or experiment with sharp objects. I can't abandon you. I won't. Even when I'm all but dead, you guys give me a weird sort of hope. I mean, hell, there must be a reason you're still around me, right? Even after all this shit.
It's not as if you've ever been tied down, after all.

thank you.

For?

for reassuring me.

Damn it, I was trying really fucking hard not to cry.

don't. don't do that.
don't shut it off if it's honest.

Apostrophes, holy fuck, you must be serious.
Heh, fine.
But no one look at me for a minute, I've gotta deal with this shit.

I won't.
Infi, were you really worried about me not following through on that promise.

yes.
you're still fragile yet.
like a bubble
but with the world inside you.

Sounds more like you, man.

then you are a prism.
does that work?

sure as hell it works.
goddamn rainbows everywhere.

How many injokes was that, loev?
Aha, typo, forgive me.

heh, i needed the laugh.
And it was quite a few, kid. Quite a few.
Infi, are we done here? It is really goddamned early.

...
essentially.

It's not like you to hesitate, what's the deal?

i don't want to cause him to hurt.

Then don't.

it's not his fault it's my pain addiction
there i said it
look at me,, it's all my fault after all
you dont think i ever think these things through cause i dont

J, get back here, please.

jewel if you are that desperate to heal then i will help you however i can
but it is very, very difficult if you keep doing this.

why
doing what

Forcing pain into the situation when it is not inherently there.

...God damn.

Jewel, I am aware you have had this conversation before.
I have spoken to Chaos. I have been WITH Chaos, WITH you.
You know just as well as I do that there is nothing heavy or evil here.
You are putting it there.
And that is the problem.
I will not deny that there have been corruptions of similar things in the past.
I respect that. I understand that.
But it is not so black and white, Jewel, even literally so.
Laurie was right in mentioning rainbows.

they're a symbol of hope
chaos is responsible for that.
there was a night with raindrops
i
my heart really hurts right now

it should. This is important.
Sorry. Still kind of teary over here.

and i'm the one with walls up, go figure

Do you want me to break them.

i
yes?
no yes and no
god infi what is this inner conflict
i'm afraid of emotional intimacy
that's the exact sentence that popped into my head
sound legit?

Personally I'd find it hard to believe with the stuff you do with Chaos, but lately, it sounds legit as hell.

You're scared.

i just said that

There was a deeper meaning to that word.
What exactly are you frightened of?

you
people
anyone who gets close
sometimes even laurie
its
not something i like to admit
poor jeremiah, is that where all this goes?

Probably.
So you live in constant fear of being hurt again.
Shit, kid, we need to somehow get you over that. It's eating you alive.

i know and being so afraid is giving it total power over me which sucks
i don't WANT to be afraid of it
but damn it laurie it is terifyign to me
terrifying
that
i dont even remember why
i really dont

I do.

no i mean
im so damn numb to it now
i really dont want anything to do with it anymore
ever
but it feels like running like this is jjust making it so much worse?
so i keep trying in the wrong ways and now i'm TRYING to get hurt just to "get an idea of what i'm actually supposed to be doing"
but every time
ever goddamn time someone DOESN'T hurt me, i get so much more confused
infi i know you love me but i'm scared
i'm so scared because people have used me in the past and it's all i can remember
geez even downstairs all someone has to do is tap my shoulder and i will scream
because i am that damn terrified of a single touch turning into hell on earth
its not even conscious.
infi this is your damn level
god i love you
i am so sorry about this.

Kid, it's okay.
We know this is difficult as hell.
But thank you for finally 'fessing up to what I've been trying to pull out of you since last night.
This, my friends, is progress.
Step one: acknowledge that there is something that needs to heal.
Took long enough.

It took as long as it needed to.
That is how these situations work.

Looks like it.

hey guys
if thats good progress for now can i go get some sleep?
or at least try to

Yeah, please do.
Just try not to reset your goddamned memory first thing in the morning, okay?
That's kind of the last thing we need right now.

this is so weird though
this all happened back in 2011

Yeah, it did.
But with a different alien.

speaking of
I have been treating him terribly lately.
He does NOT deserve the nonsense I put him through night after night.
When did this even start?

A while back, kid, but he doesn't hold it against you. Believe me, we've talked.

I've spoken to him as well.

And?

And he does not hold it against you.
He only hopes you can recover well.
But he loves you as much as I do.

Aaand there's the craziest sentence of the night for me, holy shit, I need sleep.

Laurie, I fail to see how that is so hard to believe.

It's not that, dude, it's the fucking MAGNITUDE of it. God DAMN.

Don't you?

...Different way.
Diamonds over here.

Still just as significant.
Guys, listen, I'm sorry but the family's up and threatening me again.
They don't exactly believe me when I say I'm trying to talk myself out of a suicide attempt, and they sure as hell don't believe in you two...

I don't give a shit, I've spoken to her before.
Get to sleep, kid. We're here for you whenever you need us, all right?
Meaning always.

Hehe, okay.
Also, I... well. Hm.

What?

Just considering delivery is all.
I really need to log off, but before I do, let me say this:
I don't care what my brain says during the waking hours.
Right now I am two skips and a jump away from poet mode, and I can tell you with utmost certainty that there is no doubt in my heart concerning the reality of both your lives.
I would be dead right now if it weren't for you, Laurie.
I'm not the only person who can attest to that.
I love you, Laurie.
Thank you, with all my heart, for never giving up on me.
Ever.

kid, it is the absolute least i can do, and that is saying something.

Well your punctuation is gone, that's... unusual.

infi is... there's too fucking much emotional overflow in here, promise me you'll log out before inviting chaos in because i swear to god i will die.

Will do, love.

love you too, kid. 100 fucking percent.

And Infi?

you don't need to say anything, j.

hholy shuppets not with that sort of response i dont
good lord

what did i just tell you.
this is fucking hilarious.

you are using punctuation
get rid of it

Never.
nah just kidding man im 100% gone

infi, listen, i still need to say something

Yes?

fff this is crazy
but this, this is what you're talking about and what i'm trying to say hey apostrophes.
i'm stupidly happy right now this is nice
but
i believe you.
everything you said earlier
let's leave it at that because it's late
and people are scary.

point taken holy shit

so yeah.
infinitii i love you too
thanks for that
i'll talk to everyone more later
hey mel whenever you're reading this thanks to you too youre awesome
much love because hey i'm actually here right now
aaand now i'm gone.

sign out formally you absolute moron

Never.

Haha, fuck you too man!

I'll do the honors. It's 4:34AM.

God damn that is late as hell.

Well, Infi, the honor is yours.
Log us off, my good man!

As you say, "done and done."

Jewel, what the HECK are you doing awake at this hour.
I don't care if you're pushing me away right now, I'm breaking down YOUR walls this time and telling you that I am worried sick about you.
Get some sleep, and tomorrow we need to talk. No exceptions. I don't care if we talk for two minutes or two hours-- it's been almost ten bleeding days and you need to come home.
I miss the heck out of you. You're not the only one in pain right now.

SESSION PARTICIPANTS

NATHANIEL

LAURIE

JEWEL

Hey. Laurie says that if we're talking tomorrow, I'm in too.
I'm not happy right now. At all.

We'll have to. I'm dangerously hollow right now. Drastic measures must be taken.
I would seriously start a session right now if my body wasn't about to shut down and I didn't have homework to finish, as usual. This cannot go on. It's lethal, it's a terminal mindset.
I'm sorry for the pain I caused you, even if I can't feel it right now.

I am seriously concerned about you right now.
The heck are you doing? It is 2 in the freaking morning and you are still wide awake, obviously. I'm not happy about this either, but really kid, I'm more worried than anything.
Get the heck upstairs and talk to me.

Can I just... thank you? For this, and for what you said to me this morning?
I don't know if it's really sunk in yet, but if there's one thing I know, it's that the Knight of Truth's words never go unheard. Everything you've ever said to me has guided me more clearly than you know. I might be terrible at showing it, but it's true.
So thank you. And yes, we are talking today.

Thank me as much as you bloody want, it won't mean a thing to me unless you act on that motivation.
And yeah, you might hear me, but you're not listening. At all.
That emptiness that's been plaguing you lately is seriously deadly, and it needs to stop. Now that we know what's causing this, well... it's up to you to stand up to it, kid. We can help all we freaking want, but we can't live your life for you. Listen to us, and for everyone's sake, remember who you are.

SESSION PARTICIPANTS

CHAOS

LAURIE

Laurie. What the HELL are you doing.

Oh for the love of-- Chaos, where the hell is Jewel? Do NOT leave him alone right now!!

Look who's talking. He's closed off right now, by the way. No thanks to you. Get the hell back on Xanga.

Man.
Listen, I'm trying to talk to Mel about this... this morning. They are seriously trying to help, all right?
I'm getting a lot of insight that is REALLY helping me deal with this so don't yell at me.

Dear LIGHT, Laurie!! Yeah, I understand you're trying to help, but... this is serious. I can't think straight, I can't talk straight.
Please. Just... tell Mel to wait. Get back over here.

...All right, fine.
I'm torn up about this too, you know.
We're all in this together.

I know. I know.
I am just... I am so unbearably hurt right now.
Not because of Jewel.
Because of what that bitch made him feel about this. That's what.

I know.
I just sent Mel this conversation. You're welcome.
Shoot, sorry. I'm in your window.

And now I'm in yours.
All right, sorry. Geez.

That's more like it.

Listen, Laurie. I said I was having a hard time. I am.
...Damn it.
I am out of here.

I'm just going to be honest here. I've been reading a lot, and thinking a lot, and I'm still as confused and terrified as ever but I don't know how to let people go, you included.
I feel like the world's biggest jerk right about now. I've been acting bitter towards everyone around me, not because I've turned hateful, but because I am so desperate and distraught that I can't remember what it means to be content with life.
In Utah, and right up until now, pretty much, I thought you and Q were lying to me... so I 'lied' right back. You acted nice and I acted nice, and the key word is 'acted.' I felt as if the whole thing had been scripted, and you were both pretending, stringing me along. I thought I saw many, many proofs of this, but that may have just been my paranoia. Either way, I couldn't take chances, and I single-handedly turned what you apparently hoped to be a 'helpful' experience for me into one of the biggest traumas of my life.
But I can't shake the feeling that you still care about me in some weird way, even if I don't understand it. And that's where this note comes in.
I don't know how you feel about me right now. Maybe you hate me. Maybe you think I'm the biggest moron God ever breathed life into. I can't say. Still, you're talking to me, and I don't know. I may simply be assuming too much.
Either way, as I said, I've been thinking... and since I don't know how much time I have left, I figured I'd better write this.
I don't hate you. I've been hurt by you, but not directly. You did things that you never, ever dreamed would damage me, and I don't hold it against you. When I talk about the past in regretful anger, it's anger at MYSELF for treating it as such. I know I don't put you in a good light and I'm sorry. I just don't know how to deal with this.
I do care about you, though. I suck at showing it, but I do. Still, it feels almost fake, because I care about everyone, and I want to apologize for that. I really... well. I really hurt you. That I know for sure. I hurt you because I'm too afraid to stand up for my beliefs and opinions and truths, and in being such a coward, I made it impossible for anything good to happen.
I don't think I'm in love with you, if only because I don't know if I was ever in love with anyone. I'm such an antisocial bastard that I can't tell. I want to thank you for making me feel like I was worth something, though, when we'd be up late and you'd be reading or texting and I'd just be lying there and wondering why that felt so positive.

I'm going in circles.
1. I'm sorry for hurting you. 2. I'm sorry for being so paranoid and angry and for not trusting you. 3. I never hated you, even if I acted like it blindly. 4. You hurt me, but everyone hurts me, and I've never held it against them. 5. I want to make this up to you because I do feel like a jerk.
6. I'm hoping you have answers. I don't know why I'm so afraid of you and Q, but I'm sick of it, because you're good people and you at least tried to care for me, as hard as that is. I'm hoping maybe you know why I was so stupid, or at least know how I can... get better or something.
7. Can you forgive me?

I'm sick of feeling like an empty-hearted fool. I used to think I was wise but I'm not at all sure of that now. I used to think I could save the world, but the more I try, the more I realize how... how little I am. How small and ephemeral I am.
All I know is that, even if it's true that I only know the little things... the color yellow and Studio Ghibli and poetry... I still love that about you, all those little pieces.
I'm so stupid, Mel. You're the first person I ever felt comfortable with, and the reason I denied that so strongly afterwards was because of how strongly I felt it. I didn't believe it could have been true or real. I couldn't accept it because I wasn't worth it and I shut you out.

I feel like I'm going to die, and maybe I will, but I wanted to at least let you know this, as confusing as it may be. I've been shaking all day and I can't see straight.
I hope you have a good life, and I hope you have a future, a real future, the happiest one you can imagine, even if-- especially if-- I never do.

I'm sorry for being such a horrible paradox.

SESSION PARTICIPANTS

JAYCE

LAURIE

Hey there, you tragic disaster. You doing okay?

Yeah, I suppose so. I'm just really upset about how blind I was in the past, though, and I'm worried that maybe I'm not seeing things now either.

Hey hey hey, don't you DARE get all hesitant on me.
We deal with our main problems. Don't worry about that. You're not being blind, not by a long shot. If anything, you're finally seeing things clearly.
Be careful. I don't want anyone... well. I don't want you being bloody brutalized anymore.

...You know, it's weird. You say these things and I believe you, then something happens and I get all 'emotional' and then I think you're lying. BUT, as soon as said 'emotional situation' clears up and I look back on it, it hits me just how right you were.
Why does it always happen that way? Am I really that doubtful, or am I forcing myself to deny the truth for some reason?

Because those 'emotional situations' are simply bloody red herrings. They're those false euphorias you hate so much. Don't tell me you're cheapening yourself on those too?
And yeah, you're doubtful because you're insecure and because 'everyone else wants to run your life.' Forget them. Be you.
As for denying the truth, that ties in with your doubt, but it's a heck of a lot worse. It needs to stop before you kill yourself for good.
Speaking of, are you stable enough to channel lately? Because I really want to finish that freaking Xanga session but you haven't exactly been... well. You haven't been doing so hot, to say the absolute bloody least.

SESSION PARTICIPANTS

JAYCE LAURIE

Woke up early, had an awesome dream, and it's pouring rain outside.
First plan of action today? CATCHIN' SANDFISH.

Then go to that bloody Junk Heap and find those freakin' parts. Can't imagine why everyone needs robot bits all of a sudden, geez.
But yeah, you doing okay?

Let's see... for a waterwheel, a lighthouse, a broken boat, a broken kitchen, and weapon upgrades. JOY.
Also I miss my daughter so much. ;_; You have no idea.
I... no, I'm not okay, but I think I found another girl. We'll discuss that tonight.

Actually, for the waterwheel you need to go to Facade. WHABAM.
I do, really. You link up to those dudes so quick it's insane. Oh and I hear you squeeing over Emil over there. Heheh.
Really? Holy swords... yeah, that's definitely up for talking.

Yeah, EVERYONE needs that strange thing store now. Geez.
I can't help it; he's too freaking cute. Look at him float around.
I suppose so. I feel stupid for it, but it could happen.

Strange things are all the rage, boy.
Hey, I never said he wasn't cute. He's downright adorable. It's just hilarious to hear you flipping out over it.
And stop feeling stupid about it. Those one-sided 'relationships' of yours are the most beneficial things you have right now, and although that is kind of sick and sad, it's true. If this girl is worth holding on to, then don't you dare let go.

He has surfboards in his storefront.
SURFBOARDS. IN FACADE.
Isn't he though? I think the funniest part, though, is that I only started this once you-know-what happened. That's hardcore xenophilia for you, geez. Weiss goes without saying.
Are you sure? I just... we need to talk. I really wanted to tonight, but then... well, then I was hacked. I don't even remember why.
Tomorrow we'll settle this... I have to go to Seafront but considering how I feel right now, I think my bones will be too exhausted by the time I get another 2 hours in. Don't let me forget, because I'm hurting badly.

SURFIN' WITH THE SANDFISH BRO.
And yeah, I kind of noticed. 'Oh hey, what a nice kid. I like him.' Then stuff happens and it's 'FFFFF DYING OF CUTE.' You absolute weirdo, haha. Weiss does go without saying, winknudgecough.
About the talk... normally I'd grill you for this, but damn it, you were HACKED. I knew something was wrong when you tried to cry and blanked out instead. Long story short, don't try to remember. We know the underlying roots and until we burn those bloody things to ashes we aren't going to be safe. Just... be careful. I don't want you having a meltdown again.
Go to Seafront, give the old man those freakin' sandfish, and seriously? Is that a seasonal thing or are they really getting worse? Geez. Either way, I know all about the other kind of hurt, and you have three minutes left on the clock, so get your ass to bed before something bad happens again.

SESSION PARTICIPANTS

JAYCE

LAURIE

Just hit the halfway point in Nier.
Never before have I loved a game so much.

And once again we miss our conversation, heh.
Just kidding; that was seriously awesome stuff. Tell Emil that he is freaking adorable.

Isn't he? I want to hug him, seriously. And Weiss.
But yeah, I think I recovered slightly from yesterday, although my grandmother's constant shouting at me didn't help... and my constant paranoia/ guilt/ self-loathing/ etc. is spiking again. So since the boys won't be home tomorrow, I'll try to get a start on my new quest chains in the morning, then we dive into thinking all evening. Sound good?

Geez, boy-- knowing you, you probably wouldn't pass up on snogging that book either. DDI!
And what the heck is her problem? You're TRYING to get a job, but you're being logical about it. Geez. She needs to cool her jets already. But I'm intrigued on the spiking. You've got to start avoiding those bloody triggers already. I know you try to be altruistic and all, but for the love of sanity, these people are just harming you! Back off, alright?
But yeah, sounds good to me. Catch those freakin' sandfish.
Mind you, I'm not trying to bother you with these appointments. I'm just really, really freaking worried, what with how you took the trip and all the trouble that preceded that. Geez... one day we really just need to sit back and think about what you went through as a kid. It really ticks me off to think about all that.
So get some sleep, okay? And make sure you talk to the blue guy-- he says you apparently forgot the other night, and I doubt that settling that issue over Xanga- on top of everything else- would be a good idea.

Actually, I don't think I would. Despite how much I platonically love that dude, you know how violently I react to intimacy of any sort... btw that needs to be discussed too. I realized that most of what I've said about myself in the past was purely projected onto a non-existing ideal, so technically, it's all false. It made me sick when I found out but it's true.
Still, you're right, and I told her about the jobs, but she won't listen. I think my only option is to nab that filing position at the hospital; that way I get health coverage and don't have to deal with people who, frankly, have begun to set me off almost nonstop now. Thank God I no longer work in retail.
And about the spiking? It's paranoia. EXTREME paranoia, and there's no way to clearly tell if it's true or not. I'll tell you what spiked it tomorrow... but... is it selfish to be paranoid like I am? To think that every accusation and fault is mine? I know it's a weird question, but it hurts, and it's why the self-loathing is back up through the roof. I know you told me to avoid said people because of it, but I guess I'm just naive and stupid like that. I don't even know what I'm doing.
Anyway. Sandfish. Will do.
I know; I understand. That... I think that's what I always feared with 'dying at age 20.' Who said it had to be on my birthday?
That's a good idea, though. Plus I need to research childhood psychological development further anyway, which will hopefully prove my suspicions that I mentally matured really, really fast. Still doesn't explain why I hit a high around 2nd grade that never went back up... it might anger you, but it tears me up.
I will, to both things. The truth is, I'm terrified, because... well, because of how the trip affected me, to be awfully blunt. I've been scared to death of being with him because of how others treat relationships, which is stupid, but I still feel anxious.
I'll tell him though. Hopefully we can work through that.
About Xanga, though. Remember that paper I wrote while over there? About those issues we realized but never discussed? I think we should at least start that list tomorrow evening.
And I'm really tired and actually pretty downright heartsick from the plot progression today but it's a good pain for once, finally.
My words are unraveling too, but it's a bad unraveling. Not the floating inspiration. This is streetlight snow and high school.
I wish I could go back to that sometimes, to how it was before I started meeting people. The bad just... it outweighs what little good I could find. And the good wasn't even direct.
I feel really sick, Laurie. I'll see you tomorrow.

...Kid you're making me want to talk right now, but you do need sleep, so I've gotta wait.
On that last note, though, I think the parts most people would see as bad were the best parts for us. 2008 was a bloody mess, sure, but all that pain was hugely beneficial. Like that book of yours said, I think that can all be chalked up as a really difficult life lesson. It sucked, but it helped eventually. Also, even if not tomorrow, I really want to discuss all that stuff again. Get things in perspective, y'know?
But thanks. Talk to him, go to work, do those quests, and then talk to me.
I do love you, kid, even if I don't show it too well.

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