fb: 092910

[prismaticbleed]

 

SESSION PARTICIPANTS

JAYCE LAURIE



Just hit the halfway point in Nier.
Never before have I loved a game so much.

And once again we miss our conversation, heh.
Just kidding; that was seriously awesome stuff. Tell Emil that he is freaking adorable.

Isn't he? I want to hug him, seriously. And Weiss.
But yeah, I think I recovered slightly from yesterday, although my grandmother's constant shouting at me didn't help... and my constant paranoia/ guilt/ self-loathing/ etc. is spiking again. So since the boys won't be home tomorrow, I'll try to get a start on my new quest chains in the morning, then we dive into thinking all evening. Sound good?

Geez, boy-- knowing you, you probably wouldn't pass up on snogging that book either. DDI!
And what the heck is her problem? You're TRYING to get a job, but you're being logical about it. Geez. She needs to cool her jets already. But I'm intrigued on the spiking. You've got to start avoiding those bloody triggers already. I know you try to be altruistic and all, but for the love of sanity, these people are just harming you! Back off, alright?
But yeah, sounds good to me. Catch those freakin' sandfish.
Mind you, I'm not trying to bother you with these appointments. I'm just really, really freaking worried, what with how you took the trip and all the trouble that preceded that. Geez... one day we really just need to sit back and think about what you went through as a kid. It really ticks me off to think about all that.
So get some sleep, okay? And make sure you talk to the blue guy-- he says you apparently forgot the other night, and I doubt that settling that issue over Xanga- on top of everything else- would be a good idea.

Actually, I don't think I would. Despite how much I platonically love that dude, you know how violently I react to intimacy of any sort... btw that needs to be discussed too. I realized that most of what I've said about myself in the past was purely projected onto a non-existing ideal, so technically, it's all false. It made me sick when I found out but it's true.
Still, you're right, and I told her about the jobs, but she won't listen. I think my only option is to nab that filing position at the hospital; that way I get health coverage and don't have to deal with people who, frankly, have begun to set me off almost nonstop now. Thank God I no longer work in retail.
And about the spiking? It's paranoia. EXTREME paranoia, and there's no way to clearly tell if it's true or not. I'll tell you what spiked it tomorrow... but... is it selfish to be paranoid like I am? To think that every accusation and fault is mine? I know it's a weird question, but it hurts, and it's why the self-loathing is back up through the roof. I know you told me to avoid said people because of it, but I guess I'm just naive and stupid like that. I don't even know what I'm doing.
Anyway. Sandfish. Will do.
I know; I understand. That... I think that's what I always feared with 'dying at age 20.' Who said it had to be on my birthday?
That's a good idea, though. Plus I need to research childhood psychological development further anyway, which will hopefully prove my suspicions that I mentally matured really, really fast. Still doesn't explain why I hit a high around 2nd grade that never went back up... it might anger you, but it tears me up.
I will, to both things. The truth is, I'm terrified, because... well, because of how the trip affected me, to be awfully blunt. I've been scared to death of being with him because of how others treat relationships, which is stupid, but I still feel anxious.
I'll tell him though. Hopefully we can work through that.
About Xanga, though. Remember that paper I wrote while over there? About those issues we realized but never discussed? I think we should at least start that list tomorrow evening.
And I'm really tired and actually pretty downright heartsick from the plot progression today but it's a good pain for once, finally.
My words are unraveling too, but it's a bad unraveling. Not the floating inspiration. This is streetlight snow and high school.
I wish I could go back to that sometimes, to how it was before I started meeting people. The bad just... it outweighs what little good I could find. And the good wasn't even direct.
I feel really sick, Laurie. I'll see you tomorrow.

...Kid you're making me want to talk right now, but you do need sleep, so I've gotta wait.
On that last note, though, I think the parts most people would see as bad were the best parts for us. 2008 was a bloody mess, sure, but all that pain was hugely beneficial. Like that book of yours said, I think that can all be chalked up as a really difficult life lesson. It sucked, but it helped eventually. Also, even if not tomorrow, I really want to discuss all that stuff again. Get things in perspective, y'know?
But thanks. Talk to him, go to work, do those quests, and then talk to me.
I do love you, kid, even if I don't show it too well.