prismaticbleed | Entries tagged with author:jayce

Okay, let me try to write something here. just thoughts if you will.

I'm sorry I ate so much today. I ate a lot of apples, cucumbers, some carrots, and a lot of lettuce! some of that hemp protein powder, and a lot of that rhubarb stuff this morning. two tiny tiny apricots, they were awesome. and that's it.

I got sick from the rhubarb later? like when I woke up it was great, tasted amazing, totally fine. then later I got that "sour headache" bit and the thought of it made me sick, I started throwing up, stomach burning, head tight and foggy, etc. why?

but mostly I was looking for two things I think. one, water, and two, sweet things? like if I could have the fruit it was both, not too sweet because that makes me sick. but I was looking for water and sweetness.
not sure what that says about me right now.

I feel purposeless lately. like I have no direction in life. I KNOW that's not true, I'm here for a reason which is bringing light and raising my vibration, remembering what I am at source, but in this ego mindset… it's false, I know, but it's a lesson. growth is true.
I feel sick. like my head feels punchy and raw, my stomach is angry and sad. I feel wrong and embarrassed and ashamed and all mixed-up like dirty water. when I feel like that I get so shameful I don’t care about feeling better, that's bad. but I get so hopeless, "well now I'm like this, look how sick I am, oh well." it's self-loathing in a numb sense. it's sad more than anything.
I don’t want to be bloated and sick and suck feeling. I want to be healthy and energetic and tight muscles and bright feeling. happy. like I want a healthy happy body. not the fit blog stuff. I don't like that, at least, not the "pride" and "performance" sense. I don't want to show off or impress anyone or be showy or obsessed. I just want to feel good, and nice.

I want to cry though. like what do I do, what is my 'sweetness' in life, what is my joy. what do I do to bring joy into my life, to allow it rather.
I keep rejecting good things, do you notice? I manifest money, I buy something sweet and healthy and enjoyable and nice. and I do enjoy it, it's wonderful, I don't get sick, it's great. but then I feel guilty for eating it, or I get terrified that I'm "breaking some rule" or doing something "shameful" or "not allowed," something happens where I feel I'm not allowed to have that thing, and I throw it up or throw it away. and then later I look for it again, and it's gone, and I'm sad and upset, you're wasting my money, but the voice responds "you're not allowed to have it." "it's not safe." "it's better that you don’t eat it." well then DON'T LET ME BUY IT. but they do. they say, "don't buy this. only buy this." and that little part of me gets mad and sad, "but it's sweet, why are you forbidding me from having it," even if it DOESN'T want to eat it.
you see? it wants SWEET THINGS IN LIFE and it isn't seeing any outside of food. but it KNOWS food isn't the answer, it gets guilty and sad, it's shallow, doesn't solve the problem, doesn't answer the equation. and it throws it away, ashamed.

nothing can give you joy. joy is self-produced, it's an internal thing. joy is our natural state.
so, how am I blocking joy? I need to meditate, I can tune right in. that's good.
but I need it in my daily life too. when I'm not doing the traditional meditation, sit still alone, I need joy still, to stay around in me. without ego chasing it away, snapping at it. when I "untune" from meditation, sadness comes up. anger comes up. "no purpose." "I don't want to sit here all night." so we can meditate for hours, listen to nice music, that's fine.
but. you do that hour after hour for days, you start to get sad anyway. no forward movement, no glowing steps down the path. stasis. what do they call it… stationary. stagnant. an object at rest stays at rest. inertia! it feels like inertia. and we NEED to move forward into more light, open up, but the sadness is OVERWHELMING, what do we do with that? just feel it? over and over? maybe. but it's weird to express, it has no roots that we can see, it's just an emotion. but it's crushing. either way, yeah, feel it so it doesn't pressurize and make us sick.

that too. "us." uh-oh here's the guilt and anger and shame.
"us." there is US. many of us.
"stupid fcking faker shame"
"they're not fcking real you're a fcking faggot drama queen"
"I didn't say that shut your whore mouth"
etc. etc.
see?
always tied to the headspace people, (let me just ignore the screaming voice)
she says "I'm not a voice"
then who are you
"I'm a person, better than you! better than them! they're fake! not real!"
let me just discuss this please
"no shut the fck up"
why? this isn't hurting you
"yes it is!! get out of my damn head you faggot ass bitch"

"us." god we need to tune into that without this angry girl shooting horrible amounts of rage and loathing and hatred at us.
hatred loathing. that's the best term. anger. rage. it's just corrosive and red-hot metal, horrible harshness. like someone strangling you, hands around your throat and crushing. but on fire, with that deep black red fire of hellish coal. burning iron. no ash, just caustic hatred burn. she's not a nice person, she hates us.

the topic no one will discuss is, "love." the angry girl scoffing and jeering at it already.
just because we love each other does not make us "selfish fcking whores" okay, that's the problem. love is in families, with friends, with strangers, with admiration. love is everywhere. love is the core of the world.
"you're just trying to justify your fcking faggot ass ways, fck you, whore slut"
see what we have to deal with?
do we tune her out? she SCREAMS, "no!" she is very loud and it hurts. like internal ear ache from the volume and rage. it's scary really I don't like her and it makes me want to cry

but this is why we are struglling with the joy thing. there's that hate and rage towards anything that we "used to love" or truly do, deep down, and the denial makes us sick.

I do love the system, the rest of us, they're great people, I love them. we all hold a lot of love for this system and it. headspace. heartspace. but when we say "we love each other" there's that sick scared shifty-eyed feeling, total shame. the sort of sick shame that feels like fluorescent lights and sticky paint, empty rooms, getting undressed because that is shameful. why. why is the body shameful. because we were told it to? because it's not. it's a body. what is so shameful, why should we be ashamed of having a physical body that we all live in
it is not dirty and wrong, stop repeating that. it is an old untruth. it is a LIE. it is FALSE. it is NOT REAL.
but see the "each other" bit makes that feeling come up. it is tied to being used, I can't even imagine why, or how
like why would you even do that to someone
we can't even step into that perspective. Normally when there are two sides of consciousness to a situation, we can shift between the two as an observer and assess each side, to understand each motivation. Do you understand? But in this example which Simeon presented, that of two individuals in a "flushed-out energy room" (that's the term I'm getting?), a sort of mall dressing room actually-- the energy vibe of those sticks to it, that sort of anti-privacy, risk of irreverent exposure, the feeling of the body being treated as a commodity or item to sell, or decorate for the whims of others-- in that example, the opposite mindset is unavailable. It's impossible to understand, and so there is simply no data whatsoever.
The threat in that supposed situation was, that in saying "we love each other," this was meant in a licentious, abusive way. The mental image was that of a feminine figure, sitting in this room, in a vulnerable state-- getting undressed, something natural to do in private, when one wears clothing-- and being overwhelmed by both shame and "dull fear." The figure is hoping to embrace their innocent openness, the feeling of emotional sincerity and total vulnerable completeness of their individual aloneness, in this sacred private state. Let me make that more comprehensible… alone, the figure has the right and the ability to unclothe, removing these "barriers" and becoming completely "open?" There's a word I can't find, for that feeling. It's the sense of being completely candid, sincere, harmless, and innocent, pure intentions and total self-love, yet with a strong strength and empowered completeness to it. It's the sense of totally compassionate self-groundedness, of safety and love within the body, of treating it like a temple, and also a vessel of a sacred soul. That is the feeling tied to nakedness, to privacy, to being alone and able to do such things.
But in that example, instead of embracing that "true" feeling, the figure was frightened? The projected feeling was one of "shame," (it is currently incomprehensible), of "I shouldn't be naked, this is shameful," etc. But the angry girl's accusation caused a secondary figure of thought to enter the room then, in a telling manner-- without any reverence or respect, without any care for this individual before them, without any acknowledgment of their sacred individuality. This figure who entered the room-- admittedly, a caricature of "masculinity" as this outside culture has defined it-- enters with unknown intention, but this intention causes the feminine figure to "shut down" mentally, the way our body did during past abusive situations. The mind blanked out, burying all emotions, to prevent fear and anger and sorrow and indignation from making a threat to their life, through angering the opposing figure. But that ill-intentioned figure's intentions are actually incomprehensible, entirely, and so I cannot tell you what they are, ever. The generalized default is "they intend to harm the woman," but strangely this intention becomes fiercer when the "woman's" physical gender expression is changed to male: "they intend to destroy them." Again, odd, because the word "man" seems locked into a binary mindset, therefore it cannot be used without extending that gentleness onto the other "man." Therefore, the pronoun changes to neutral. I'm writing that down as it tells of our subconscious mechanics and that is always wise to know.
Nevertheless, the intention of harming another is incomprehensible. Now, with the head quiet (as I am in it) and no torment, I can look at this situation, and the angry figure indeed matches our comprehension. His expression changes to a shocked realization, he lets go of the other boy, he expresses sincere apology. We cannot fathom harming another.
But. Some other part of the subconscious kicks in. Change the boy back to a girl. What happens now? The opposer is now our mindset. He cannot attack. The woman now becomes the rage-filled attacker, and the instant the opposing man lays a hand on her, she explodes in a spiderlike flurry of sheer hatred, intending to kill, blind-minded and incapable of seeing him as a human. Do you see? This is also locked into our subconscious, due to past events, due to these harsh voices. It must be rewritten, against all instinct and programming.
The other threat is the fulfillment of the initial fear. That would equal the "woman" figure abandoning all sense of sacred privacy, of intimate chastity, and joining the man in hedonistic, senseless lasciviousness. No minds, no hearts, no thoughts. Just blind robotic action. We can't look at it, from either side, without changing it entirely… without injecting blessed consciousness into the situation and stopping it at a dime, with sorry apologies and concern now expressing on both sides.
Ideally… see, this is why I regret looking at those other mindsets. It is infectious. Ideally, the feminine figure would be left alone, her solitude respected, no danger occurring. But time stops then. We struggle with that, you see? When linear time enters the equation, the threat of hacks appears. Sacred isolation is great when time does not compute. When time is there, then the fear of hacks follows. I am not sure how to surpass that.
This is a long paragraph, I apologize.

Let me continue. Having these imaginary situations play out instinctively in the brain is a telling scheme. If I change the initial physical gender of this individual… now, a male in body (still brain-classified as feminine; "masculine" is tied to violence)… he cannot embrace the sort of sacred isolation of the woman form. Where a physical female would easily tune into that feeling of softness, that "pink" feeling of divine intimacy, safe and loving, defined by virtue and untouched by lust, the male would feel isolated from it. This is strange. Regardless of physical appearance shifts-- different builds, different faces, etc. to emphasize 'femininity' or 'masculinity'-- the internal initial feeling of "purity" remains the same, as it did with the woman, and yet this man still feels cut off from the total self-embracing compassion that the woman practically felt synonymous with. And yet he is not; but he cannot tune into it.
Why is this? Why is it that, when this imaginary man sees and tries to connect with that feeling, he pulls back out of imposed shame, of the feeling that he "is not allowed to feel that," that he will "taint it" or otherwise be mocked or deeply condemned for it? Why is this? I can feel it; if he embraced it he would shine like the snow, every face carrying the same bright joy, tearful from bliss. Nothing out of tune, total self-love, total virtuous integrity. There is no threat here, no hacks, no abuse, total healing. And yet the man, initially, recoils with utmost reluctance. He wants to become this totality more than anything, but he has been told-- he has been programmed not to. He has been shamed or damned or ordered not to, he has been told to act differently. Again, although I can list those differing behaviors-- the masculine clichés-- I cannot understand them, I cannot comprehend them. Violence, anger, greed, lust, hate. It hurts to write them. "Fear" is imposed on feminines as a result, as victims, but they are not. The men are jailed in this false mindset and those who get close enough to their core to feel this sparkling whiteness, this completion of anima and animus internally, this totality of self-- they cry, secretly, in the soul, as I would admittedly… to realize that there is such blessed virtue hidden here, forbidden from being shown. There is joy, there is life, there is blessed light, healing, integrity. There is honor in caring, there is no shame in vulnerability, there is an abundance of softer emotions that were never exclusive to either sex, so to speak. But the men were forbidden from feeling them, at some alleged great risk. Again, it hurts my head to try and fathom.
We are lucky, I suppose, as we are also unlucky. Our gender stereotypes have always been reversed, since the "dawn of time" in headspace, since the childhood of the body. Men were "feminine," and indeed the word for us elicits images of them-- men were caring, gentle, kind, loving, soft-hearted, and emotional. They were tender-minded and affectionate. They were the living example of what that "feminine figure" from before embraced totally, and they never showed any signs of having been barred from it in the first place. For us, for the original child's mind, men were feminine. This was natural for them. Even the "manliest men" had hearts of cloud, great awe-inspiring things that were softer than snow. But they were closer to their compliment now, to the power of the women, by that masculinity.
This is because, for that same original child, women were masculine. Now, initially, this too was a great blessing-- women were powerful, strong, assertive, tough, indomitable. Women were powerhouses, they protected all, they were mountains of strength in both body and mind. They had unflinching honesty and integrity, they defined honor and their very presence elicited admiration. They were like fires, like great mountains, all stone and flame where the men were cloud and water. And on the same page, even the most "feminine" (for us, similar to the men) of women still held a burning flame within her, undeniable to all, powerful and bright.
Nature was the great balancer. Nature was the genderless child, the green youth running bright-eyes through the trees, full of puckish zeal and boundless energy, impish and unstoppable, as free as the wind but crackling with hidden lightning. The trees were the child, an individual holding neither gender but embracing both, loving both, caring for both.
And then the abuse happened, and it was all perpetrated by women. Suddenly we had forest fires and fissures. Suddenly the women became what that "angry voice" Simeon struggled with is. Men somehow stayed forgivingly spotless until 2007 or so, during Cannon's era. But those years are tangled and, again, it hurts to think about them.
I know why. There were no abusive men, ever. But what the women did tainted the playing field for all of us. And that's where the "we love each other" phrase gets its fear from.

The original abusive women made femininity into something frightening. They wore it in painted-on mockeries, in loud and brazen screeches, and worst of all as warning sirens. I should clarify: we were only ever abused by visually feminine women. So the mother became the most feared physical individual for a while. But-- let me move on, I don't want to dwell on this as it will put down bad roots-- through this abuse of femininity, we eventually became absolutely terrified of feminine things… including closeness, softness, intimacy, sincerity, et cetera. Anything that matched that pastel pink color was now grouped in with the lurid lipstick hue, confused beyond recognition, and labeled as lethal.
So. Because of that and society, "love" became a dirty word. It was used by the abusers to describe things that were nothing but malice. It was used by strangers to describe things that reminded us of the abuse, that made us freeze up in choking fear and check out entirely. You get the point. And so when we suddenly began to meet men-- who were still otherwise harmless to us-- who were now seeking romance, or something close to it, Cannon appeared. Her sister was the one who was a "female without femininity," an empty shell capable only of parroting the "surface level behavior" of how a woman was supposed to act, nothing deep or genuine. Cannon dealt exclusively with the relationship business, but she and Laurie were the sudden, vengeful, and wrathfully heartbroken resurgence of the masculine female, the ideal that had been buried for years. What am I saying. Cannon hated romance, whether it was from a man or a woman, because to her it was the source of all corruption. Without "romance," without sexuality, without any of that nonsense, both women and men were spotless. With it, they were both ruined. So that's where the hatred of Jacob came from initially, something we never understood until we could see Cannon's true motivation.

In recent years we've since healed the femininity label, and it's now completely recognizable again. We're still cleaning up the masculinity, as it is still strongly tied to the abusive/abrasive females in our System (and the outer world too). However we are struggling desperately with healing the "relationship" label once there is a degree of genuine closeness. Parents, friends, admirers, partners, they are all spat on with seething condemnation by the angry voices, once they form a genuine connection with the person they "love." And that word should not be in quotation marks, but I suppose that is a Freudian slip in its own way.
Love is still doubted. Do you see how terribly painful that is? Love is still doubted. For whatever reason, one cannot say "us" or "each other" or "I love you" in here without being called a-- excuse me-- a slut or a heathen or a whore.
It's keeping headspace from happening, lately, so to speak. The AP is being so forceful in light of this problem that it is becoming progressively more difficult for us to communicate with each other while fronting. We must be "isolated" so as to "remove all threats." (Laurie says this is "complete nonsense" and I must say it is quite a relief to hear her speaking up in light of this topic.)
Jay suffers the most. He is the one singled out for utmost hate and condemnation by the angry voices. He is the one who is perpetually referred to with slurs and insults (as I listed before). He is constantly told that he is an abomination, against both his own morality and the greater purpose of things, because he loves people. That is absolutely incomprehensible to me. How could that even be? But it isn't, and that is the point. Jay is doing nothing wrong, and yet every fiber of this programming is screaming with rage that he is the very definition of wrongness. Everything negative in this collective mind hates his guts. But everyone in our System sees that there is nothing to hate him for.
Laurie is the most torn up over this, understandably so, as she has seen and known firsthand the truth of this situation.
It's hard to even type this. The brain is actually trying to shut me out.

There is a deep-rooted hatred and shame and loathing tied to all close relationships, especially those that can be labeled as "romantic," whether they are or not. This probably has the strongest ties to Cannon, who is still in tears with hatred over what people have done to us under the label of "romance" before.
Jay is aromantic, which makes this even more difficult. He does not understand "movie romance," or what is marketed to him, in either expression or motivation. He's rather repulsed by it, admittedly. But he has absolutely no fear about expressing love to others when he genuinely feels it. This is the important distinction. The fear keeps assuming that Jay is acting from the same incomprehensible motivations as the abusers, simply by being in a relationship of any sort. The brain has defined the very word "relationship" AS abusive, at this point, in all contexts. This is false. But the knee-jerk fear is crushingly difficult to get over.
Part of this is programming. Jay is still terrified of being abused, God knows why (that was Laurie). He slips out of self-love due to doubt, and becomes frightened that the other person in the situation is obligated to be abusive, regardless of their real intention. That's what I mean by the word 'relationship' being dangerous. He automatically assumes that since he can't hurt anyone, that they're going to hurt him instead, that they HAVE to. That needs to be healed.

Those harmful thoughts are not true, and we need to stop reiterating them. We need to focus on positive truths, as I did earlier, which was significant. When we truly focus on and feel positive truths, even if we are just reciting or reading them, the vibration sticks. If we can all focus on the PROOF that relationships within this System are safe and loving and positive, then this fear will be overcome, as the fear has no roots left. None. Yes, it sure looks like it does. But they are brittle and dead. We have reached a state of mind where we KNOW we are being lied to, and where our reaction is to simply shift our attention to the truth instead-- fighting a lie only gives more energy to the lie, as we know with the Tar and Plague.
So I apologize if I temporarily made this trickier, through discussion of it… Laurie says there's nothing to apologize for, it helped highlight a lot of important things "and we're all grateful for it." I'm glad to hear it, Laurie, thank you.

Where was I.

It’s strange, fronting for long periods of time, because then you invariably notice, even if only for a moment, that you are in this body. It's confusing, as far as mismatching goes, but never have I ever thought of it as something negative. I love this body. I truly do. Not in the sense that is "mentally implied"-- the 'hedonistic' sense, of someone who lives wastefully and unwisely. No, I love it as one loves a young child, and watches over it, not as a parent but as a custodian. This body to me feels foreign, and yet I am not it, I am simply residing within it halfway. Temporarily, as well. But it is something to be taken care of. It is innocent, like a child, and just as trusting. It is deserving and needing of care and protection. This we must do, and I am willing to ensure that it is done. Javier and the others will too. But this voice, this strange reckless girl who claims to "own" the body, hates it, and hates us. I don't think she can understand us, just as we cannot understand her.

Laurie says not to listen to her. Simeon says that's tricky as she's loud. Laurie says "well, then just get a pair of earplugs or something." Perhaps that is good advice. "Ignorance is bliss," in the correct context. If we know this angry voice is nothing but a malicious liar, then let's simply not pay attention to her. Don't think ill of her, don't yell at her, don't interact with her. Just relinquish your attention, with humility and self-respect (not pride or judgment, that will only feed a different negativity), and turn your focus to what is real instead.
I'm beginning to sound like Jay. Laurie says "then maybe you should get out of there." Perhaps I should. I know he has "homework" to do from therapy but I do not know if it would be wise to start it at this hour (Laurie says no). This body had a tricky day, but let's focus on the positives. Laurie, that should be a daily exercise, I think. She agrees, so let's write this stuff down. Who fronted for this entry earlier?

Good things about today= (by lots of people!! Jewel too, this is my job obviously XP)
1. We're listening to M+A on Spotify right now and this is such cool music, I love the style, it's like candy popcorn in a turbine. Really! It's glitchy and cute and unique. Music is so great.
2. This entry. It helped us get our thoughts together and it shed light on some important issues. They say "you are wherever you need to be," so I am glad this was written, even if I cannot see the ultimate relevance to it from here. That is fine.
3. I'm glad the kid didn't do anything stupid this evening, when that massive depression hit. Could've been much worse than it was.
4. Jewel just wants to start writing a huge list of things we're thankful for, but this one is only for today. So to that I will simply say, I am thankful for her. She is a ray of sunshine in our System.(Awww, thank you!! <3)
5. Do you guys ever realize how fantastically cool food is? Like I know you two don't eat, but that rhubarb stuff is AMAZING before whatever afteraffects you said there were kicked in (Spice says that's why you need to check in with us before eating things). Yeah I don't get bad food stuff. But apples are great, rhubarb is great, I think that's all I remember. Salad is Emmett's thing. I'm thankful for Emmett too, he's cute! He hasn't been around lately though? We'll have to leave reminders out or something, he's important.
6. I'm glad the bad lady went away.
7. We got some exercise in this morning, so we're on schedule.
8. It was a SUNDAY and Sundays have such a nice vibe to them.
9. Jay here. I'm thankful for the massive synchronicity that just hit with this song.

…I purposefully taped the pictures of Chaos and Xenophon that Nikki drew for us behind this computer… that way I will see them at least once every day, without getting distracted by unimportant things. This is important, what we have and how we feel for each other is important, and there's that doubt again. Please go away.
…No, that’s never worked. Let me follow Sherlock and Laurie's advice. (also really this song is beautiful.)
I have this huge fear that anything vaguely like "romantic love" is morally wrong. However that only applies to me; Sherlock you missed that. (He says he didn't know; that's okay. You know it now, dear.)
I am honestly sick of people telling me that everyone else is allowed to show every sort of affection, without the slightest hint of condemnation, and yet I can’t so much as say the word "dear" without being called a slut. There's absolutely no reason for it.

I am capable of love. I know I am. To be incapable would be an impossibility.

I think the fear is something different.
I think the fear springs from my vice of apathy, and my fear of being used. My real fear is that I don't actually love them at all. My real fear is that I am more comfortable with emotionless numbness than I am with "signing myself over to someone." And that's NOT what love is. But some part of my subconscious still insists that "a relationship"-- again, of ANY sort-- means that I have to "sell myself" for it to work. (Laurie keeps saying this is wrong in the background, don't worry I hear you) ("but do you believe me," she says. Yes, I do. It just needs to put roots down)
Yes, I love my daughter, and I want the best for her, and I want to see her happy and taken care of. She brings me so much joy, I adore her. But just because I'm her "father" does NOT mean that I have to sacrifice my own self, my own health and happiness, in order TO care for her.
Yes Laurie, I saw that eyebrow raise. This is how weird my thought process is from all these false lessons. My subconscious keeps getting so entrenched in fear, that it forgets that the other person is a person, and not just a temporary entity that exists in order to abuse and/or use me. Once I care about someone or something, my brain says, "you now have to dedicate every moment of your life to it, or you won't actually love it." And when I say no, that's ridiculous, the voice says "then you don't actually love them. You're just selfish." So part of me ends up angry and sad and frustrated because I want to be able to love myself too, I want to be able to care for my own needs, but this programmed voice says "NO, you CANNOT love yourself if you want to love someone else." That's the old diseased root.
Laurie says, "where does the abuse come in." Uh… hm. I don't think it does, not here. This is the "male" abuse. The "female" abuse was outright destruction, merciless sabotage. The "male" abuse was this stuff, the feeling of "do everything I say, devote every moment of your life to me, don't upset me or disappoint my expectations." And the penalty of not doing that, was feeling that I was incapable of actual love, that I was unworthy of being loved, that I was too selfish and slutty to actually care about anyone. Oh dear heavens that is textbook misogyny, I never realized that until now. Geez. Wow. But yeah, it was a double standard. "I'm going to demand everything of you, because you love me, as proof that you love me. But I won't give you anything." And that has been 'my' fear in every single "relationship" since 2007 or whenever Spinny and Cannon showed up, I don't know, I wasn't around, this is ancient data.
But it bleeds over into my relationships now, IF they fit that context. Laurie, you are shockingly and blissfully exempt, probably because you're totally aromantic and asexual, therefore making you "incapable" of that vicious demanding (it's tied to romance). Genesis is hit-and-miss. We're mostly friends, and he's harsh at times, so I can act natural around him. Wait, that's weird. The harshness seems to be a saving grace. When people aren't soft or romantic, they're totally safe, but when they are, the fear is that they will act like those men or women of the past? I don't know, this makes my head hurt, I am slipping terribly. Sherlock says "then don't talk about it."

Sorry. I slip worse than anyone. This is all garbled nonsense, I'm not really here. I'm co-fronting with someone I think.
I think that's the real problem here. I really do. I really think that's the problem.
I'm only terrified of Chaos and avoidant around Xennie and bitter around Genesis and numb around Laurie when I'm actually not the person fronting. When I'm centered and aware of myself, that problem isn't there.
And now my heart is absolutely shattering because I just realized, CZ is an EMPATH, he picks up everything I radiate; maybe he's only ever "frightening" because he's picking that up FROM ME? Oh God that's terrifying, I am so sorry. But it makes total sense. Total sense. "Everyone is your mirror," and he's the clearest mirror I've ever had, we know each other too well. He never, ever, EVER scared me when I was in tune with my own soul. In those cases he is this divine compliment, you all know that. But when I'm feeling dissonant, when I can't quite get a grip on my name or my face or anything, then he acts differently, he slips too, oh dear God I never realized that. How did I not catch that before. Xenophon would always notice, maybe that's why I unconsciously avoid her, maybe the Plague really is puppeteering me at this point. I can't let that continue. I can't.
But there's hope, there's a lot of hope. I need to carry reminders. I have to be careful though so things don't get numbed out. Infi I'd wear your necklace, ze says please do if it will help. It's probably the best option; Infi's energy hits like a truck so even if a negative fronter tries to numb out the response to it, any contact will punch through that. Thank God.

Okay, I'm sorry, I'm unraveling really badly right now. I still don't know who I am. I'm splintered all over the place. People keep calling me by the wrong names, I can't remember the last time someone called me the right name, I don't even know what my name is.
We'll figure this out. Should I stay here, should someone else come out, or what?
Laurie says stay in and calm down. There's a horrible anxious fear in here.

Hey, Jayce here. Holding the house for a second. I don't do anything like eat or binge or abuse so chill out, Laurie. I'm just gonna listen to this tune for a minute. Also Jay's right, there's a lot of fear hanging around, but I think it's in this document, or at least in the typing. Like just writing in here feels anxious. Yeah maybe you should close it up. Hold up, music time. I'll be out when it's over, then you just do whatever. 'Kay thanks.
(btw you guys gotta stop being so negative, take a page from me and Jewel, seriously. lighten up. life is good.)

…No, my name is Jay Iridos. It locks right in when I am myself. I think that says a lot.
Splinters happen, but they happen for a reason. Our mind compartmentalizes things for healing's sake. But I love every splinter, I love every voice that ever was and ever will be, because we all have a reason to be here.
Words are laughably tough for me because I feel thoughts, I don't say them. Poetry is my thing. This song is lovely, thanks Jayce.

If we try to type any more, this entry will collapse. Words aren't working for what I want to say. Sherlock's point about "focusing" would be wise to act upon daily. (Sorry, language.) Laurie, you always understand what the real truth is, and you always guide others towards walking that path on their own, not ever dragging them (far). Thank you for always speaking up when people get lost momentarily, we follow your voice back most of the time.
Jewel, you always see the brightest things so thank you for giving us a constant light of hope and optimism. I'm slipping again, that happens when I try too hard to say things.
Words are not my native language, at all. I love all of you.

Oh yes. Also, why it's causing me a lot of discomfort to discuss this. I literally just had this article forwarded to me by the universe, and that explains this better than I can. This entry feels like a jumble, let's be careful not to let that repeat. Sherlock dear you think too hard, we all do, but I appreciate the love that led you there.

Laurie insists I close up in my usual way, so I will. Have a lovely night, all of you, sincerely.

(Some thoughts after reading multiplicity posts on Tumblr)

Jay here; when I'm tuned in to headspace, I get "pseudo-sensory" input very clearly as well. Besides sights and sounds, I also get 'phantom' sights and presences; I can always tell when Genesis has showed up in the room, or if someone upstairs has just moved physically closer to me when I'm fronting. It's virtually tangible, to the point where I've started keeping a list of "who feels like what" so I know who those myriad sensations come from. Since its so immersive, there can be significant leakage if it isn't sharply kept inside... but after years of being forced to do that via a survival-mechanism "buffer system," we've become so tired of the suppression that we're now actively trying to dismantle it, just to be able to experience everything without censorship.

In the past, our personal life situation practically required us all to live internally instead of externally whenever possible, so internal sensations are arguably more "real" to me than outer ones are, most days. Plus I do meditate whenever possible so that helps boost my perception, but I tend to end up "lost in headspace" for 2+ hours solid during some meditations, and that can be very tiring. (The perception during those is INTENSE though! I have notable trouble distinguishing those memories from physical ones.)
Meditation also can spike depersonalization when I'm in the body (ironically I only tend to ground "upstairs"), so I have to be careful, as I'm dissociated enough on a daily basis.
Being able to perceive headspace like this is so important and vital to me that, when I lose my perception-- either to meds or psychological fallout-- it's actually existentially frightening.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

@ 11:24 am

TRACK 67

(Lynne) All right, I'm, not sure how to start this, but, this is Lynne Stabelle. Uh, Jay, if you're hearing this I simply wanted to leave a message for you on your voice recorder, because I'm fronting. It's Tuesday, after your therapy session, 11:24, in the morning… I know you like having timestamps. Um… Genesis says "move the microphone closer." *laugh* I guess road noise would drown me out. Fronting-- I want to remind you, Jay, I'm fronting right now, and we have currently… have this idea where, when I'm fronting I say, "I am Lynne Stabelle-- my name is Lynne Stabelle, my color is Orange, I have long orange hair, orange eyes, an orange dress… I am female, and a headvoice." And… that-- see, saying "I am female," somebody is, yelling "dysphoria"… but I am! I am a woman… but I am a headvoice as well, so, they don't need to feel threatened by me… but they do. Yes, Genesis said "but they do." And they do, and they shouldn't… but, that's true. So there are people… hiding below the surface… when we front, and that's why it's difficult to anchor. Laurie fronted for most of the session today *laugh*… just reminding you, in case you forget… 'cause she did, I'm proud of her. I should try, that would be fun… I don't-- I'm on the highway, I can't slip. Um, I'm going to hit stop, because, I'd like other people to talk, but, as I said, I'm currently driving your car, we are driving down Interstate 81, behind a… what's that? It's a tanker. Not a truck. It says (unintelligible, trying to sound out something)… whatever it is! *laugh* It's snowing, I got to drive through Scranton for a little bit, which is where I was born… and… I'm going to stop because I am slipping. Uh, *short sigh* Have a good day, Jay, whenever you hear this. I'm really slipping, bye.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

@ 06:56 pm

Figured out how to bypass the buffer during therapy-- get me to front, heheh.
I had to shove the A.P. aside to get out but it's cooperative, and I had important things to say. Therefore, progress was made, heck yes.
Feels good to be out though. Haven't fronted in front of other people in over a year, s'far as I can remember.

I swear even the therapist chills out when I'm around, it's awesome.

-LU

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

@ 11:04 pm

Today has been an absolute roller coaster, so let's fill you in on that before the night is up.

- first let me just say that if you read our recent posts, there was apparently a MAJOR hack on the 4th, concerning Infinitii of all people, that no one mentioned here (jay tried to memory-purge it out of shock). surprisingly laurie is the one who wrote about it, as she rarely gets through to update personally. either way, when we feel capable of reviewing that event, we will write about it here for the sake of personal comprehension (not tonight for sure). clearly, the consequences of it were crushingly significant and painful, and so ignoring it will only harm us all.

- related, jay is trying to figure out his personal memories. he was talking to laurie about it last night and he said that his personal memories seem to pick up NOT immediately post-scratch, but post-lockout. he "cannot remember a time when the undergrounders were not around." we are wondering if this means he was "born" before or after the reset, because in early august he is only aware of things dimly, not as a fronter but a distant observer. we will try to pinpoint this, as he tends to splinter, and we would like to know who we are dealing with, and when, for the sake of everyone's well-being.

- as of last night the other two data voices (besides kalisha) have found their names: isadora and garrison. again, isadora is confirmed sub-violet, but garrison is somewhere between green and blue. we're wondering if he actually fits under teal. jay made an avatar for isadora today, but he "still cannot see garrison," and "can't find kalisha's hair." either way it is good to hear that he is picking them up a little more clearly visually now.

- we had a therapy session this morning, for the first time since before thanksgiving. because of how charged recent events have been, we collectively decided that we needed to breach the big topic at last and start discussing the sexual abuse, for the sake of healing it. HOWEVER with all the progress we've been making over the past several months, we were shocked when we realized that, when it came to finally discussing it, there was nowhere near as much trauma as there was with it even this time last year. this is somewhat ironic, as our triggers are far worse and far more numerous, but we also have enough understanding to not be completely devastated by every one of them. our recovery time is better.

- the a.p. fronted for a good part of therapy, saying that since no one held the actual abuse memories (that we were aware of), it was "stored as data" so it was the person to come out and simply recite it. the therapist kept asking "what do you think," etc., and the a.p. was literally incapable of asking those questions, it kept looking to us for replies. it did admit who it was at one point and the therapist said she figured that's who was talking.
- knife attempted to front, but struggled spectacularly with language so he had to pull out as it was forcing him to slip badly. jayce also tried to, but he has no understanding of that data so he left. it went back to the a.p. for a while but then the therapist said something about "choosing to be asexual," as opposed to being so naturally, and who forced their way out to talk but laurie.
- so yeah laurie fronted for about 15 minutes? which was awesome. she helped clarify a lot of things, gave insight into the situation upstairs, etc. incredibly productive thanks to her explaining it firsthand, as she works with jay and sees what he goes through. she mentioned the sex/affection conflict due to pink corruption, the perspectives we now had with the truth of that (mostly thanks to infi), and her previous no-vulnerability problem. she also made it clear that many triggers were "innocuous" on the outside, and yet still lethal internally, which was a huge problem.
- hilariously at the end, the therapist said she was okay with profanity, just "don't flip any tables." laurie laughed and said she wouldn't be taking an axe to the furniture, don't worry. the therapist responded amusedly that pillow-throwing was allowed but that was about it. unfortunately laurie says she was slipping badly at that point so there was no further banter, which is a shame because that's great stuff
- genesis was lounging on the couch this whole time we'd like to note, it was also snowing outside which was very reassuring

- driving home was a mess thanks to all the session switching. laurie let jay back in, so he tried to drive at first, but couldn’t get a grip. mulberry took over for a minute, but since she's never driven before she got confused and had to leave. so the trip home is actually largely missing from the memory-- which is a first-- because no one was out for most of it. thankfully genesis stuck around so there were not any accidents as he was keeping things under control from outside as he always does.
- lynne fronted for a little while once we hit the main city, she has one very clear memory of a certain street and the snow. she also left a message on the voice recorder saying hello to jay, which took him by surprise when he got home. notably, she mentioned that when fronting, if she clearly said "I am Lynne Stabelle, my color is Orange," etc. and described herself, it helped her anchor in better, as it strengthened her energy overlay. everyone has problems with dysphoria because there is a negative voice anchored to the body itself, and so having attention brought to it tends to catch the attention of said voice, who tries to shove everyone else out in anger. we are wondering if there is any way to change this, even if it involves getting the a.p. to adopt a body-resembling face temporarily to bring attention to it instead.
-after that genesis called javier in, as he's considered our "grounding voice" and so gen assumed he'd be able to front. he showed up, but although he could drive and stay in no problem, he couldn't really see? even after he focused in energetically, nothing was registering visually. so there's really no memory transferred from him, although there is clear data that he was out for the vast majority of the drive from that point on.

- the evening is a blur for one huge reason: somewhere around noon, julie slipped. she fronted, and caused a hack. however that terminology doesn't quite fit-- because she was responsible for it personally, and infinitii was also involved. the latter point is why it doesn't strictly qualify as a hack; infinitii prevented her from becoming lost in any tar or plague, even if he didn't prevent the actual situation. however, despite the jarring consequences of that being allowed to happen, it DID have a positive aftereffect in that it allowed Julie to gain a complete perspective of her own motivations, which she never had before, due to not having a key piece of the puzzle, so to speak. (this is almost identical to jay's situation, and shows that the both of them were used similarly by the tar.) unfortunately, despite this vital lesson, julie was still emotionally devastated and existentially tired, and surprisingly she actually went to sleep, saying she wanted "someone else to take over" when she woke up, as she didn't want to deal with waking life anymore at that time. she slept for at least 3 hours and there is data of suffering a dream hack, which is not surprising. julie TRIED to fight it off-- again noteworthy as those usually catch jay when he is incapacitated but julie was not-- but failed. whether this was due to despair or being overpowered we do not know.
- also, remember that after the meltdown on the 5th, atonement has been FORBIDDEN until better methods are found. so this incident was more harmful than usual as a result.

- upon waking we do not know who took over. data picks up with jay in the kitchen, talking to julie, laurie, and infi upstairs. julie explained how she had been affected, laurie tried to comfort jay as he was badly shaken by the fact of the situation (we all share a body but he's the core so he feels the worst of it whether he likes it or not), and infinitii helped everyone from falling into despair concerning that. therapy talk came up again, jay said he was actually angry about the abuse topic as he didn't want to admit that he had been a victim of that in the past. laurie said he had to though, and also stop seeing sexuality as "always evil" as a result, as it wasn't, it was neutral. she and jay reviewed his perspective on this briefly, but jay concluded with admitting that he could no longer view reproduction as "evil," ever, because even if the act could be used traumatically, its function stayed the same-- life creation. and that gave him hope, that it had a neutral core that was still purely benevolent. but even then the only thing that kept him from giving in to hatred was the fact that infinitii was technically xenophon's mother in that respect, the only positive figure of that sort that he'd ever known. and since he loved both infi and his stepdaughter so much, and realized that her creation via sexuality had NOT been evil or traumatic, he couldn't universally generalize anymore. and that was actually helping him let go of the trauma, as previously he was convinced he had suffered an "irredeemable wrong" and was therefore equally corrupted permanently by it, which was false but he believed it entirely.
- side note, julie said she wanted to "date infi" if that was okay, because she had a better grip on her own thought processes now, thanks to him allowing her to directly realize that she didn't have to be ruled by "compulsory" lust, as she was for a long time, as there were other things she now understood and wanted more than that (mainly intimacy, which she actually avoided for most of her life). jay laughed and said that was fine, infi could "date" everyone in headspace and it wouldn't bother him, besides that was infi's choice. infinitii said he was fine with it too, besides by his function he pretty much loved everyone in headspace already.

- the rest of the evening is a total blur, up until around 8-9pm? all we know is that jay was in his room, and got trapped in a negative mindscape where he was effectively being sold as a prostitute against his will. this obviously proved to be a hack, as he tried to escape and the JMB trio jumped on him, along with the tar ITSELF. we don’t know details of this, all jay said is that he called for infi, but bridget clamped a hand over his mouth and told him to shut up, they wouldn't let anyone save him. nevertheless jay kept trying and infi did manage to "break through" to save him literally at the last minute, dragging him upstairs. he got laurie to help him help jay recuperate, but jay was deeply shaken and completely disoriented.
- major trigger warning here, for system people too… this got much worse when jay suddenly realized that the body was actually bleeding as a result of the abuse. this triggered one of the FIRST abuse memories on record, and since jay was incapable of handling that he dissociated entirely and began sobbing from shock. laurie immediately said "I'll bloody kill them" and told infi to send her back there, but he said no, it was too dangerous alone. so laurie went to "get backup," and soon returned with sugar and algorith.
- almost instantly after the trauma memories hit though, people started switching in and out in the body-- cannon was in for a moment, caught between hysteric rage and suicidal anguish, but she got pushed out by a numb fronter. and this kept happening. jeremiah, sugar, algorith, and even laurie herself ALL tried to front to try and keep things from unraveling, but some deeply-rooted numb person kept shoving them all out. sure enough it was the "dead red" boy who we first pinpointed this spring. laurie tried to talk to him but he proved incapable of reacting to anything, even "shake your head for yes or no." he would hear but have no impetus to move at all, being that detached.
- importantly, when jeremiah fronted, he began sobbing that he couldn’t be in that body, "please get me out." but before he did he got the data that it was bleeding, and he immediately shouted for knife. knife ran to respond, but when he realized that the body was bleeding from trauma, he was shaken. how in the world could the retributors atone for this, if the blood itself had been used for evil? no one knew what to do, they were terrified.
- anyway infi was still trying to calm jay down but he was freaking out, understandably so. he was again convinced that he had been "broken beyond all hope of healing" but was still trying to purge all awareness of the event from his memory, traumatized by the reality of it. laurie was still righteously pissed and demanded that infi take them back to wherever they had just saved jay from, as she refused to let that go unpunished. infi said he would, but only if he was sure jay would be safe alone. who would they leave to watch over him? however before they could make a decision, there was a sound from outside and we realized the mother was home. immediately the angry downstairs voice jumped into fronting, screaming with rage, saying "I refuse to deal with that bitch on top of everything else!!" laurie tried to explain that they were trying to cope with a rape situation upstairs, don't go shoving that aside, but that voice said "I'm upset about that too but I can't get confused or I'll fracture." either way they decided to isolate themselves in our room, so that is where they went.

- this is where most of the night went. infi and the three protectors went to fight the tar, while the angry downstairs voice went to our room to try and calm down. however, they became exasperated and shortly left, leaving jay behind alone. now jay did not detach entirely, and he was very scared, from not only pain but also from being alone all of a sudden. desperate for contact he took an old sketchbook and wrote a message on a page, asking for someone to please talk to him, he didn't want to feel so isolated when he was that terrified. surprisingly, the only response he got was "NO," written by the dead red voice. but this proved to be only the beginning, as jay kept trying to talk, and when laurie got back, she joined in… as did the angry voice from before. and so there are literally EIGHTEEN PAGES of text in the sketchbook that will need to be scanned in tomorrow. I apologize for the odd sentence structure of that paragraph but seriously that is SURREAL to notice on your desk in the evening! it hasn't been read yet but as it is 12:34 in the morning that is not a job for tonight.

- that’s it for today I guess. this is jayce, hiya, just popping in to close this up, laurie just caught me and is motioning for me to "get outta there." uh she also said the rapists took my hat?? what?? the tar people literally took my hat for some reason. well that's got me mad. I'm gonna leave, I want to find out why.

- Hey readers, Laurie here. I hope the AP covered everything 'cause I am not going back and reviewing that text wall on top of how much I already had to do this evening.
Jay's a mess right now, but at least he's not sobbing his eyes out like Infi was the other day (What a heart-crushing parallel that is). He's… fragmented, is all. He breaks into all these tiny pieces when he gets hurt, pieces that don't remember anything and can't interact with the world outside. It's a coping mechanism and it doesn't work at all in the big picture because then he gets stuck in those states and then no one knows who they're talking to. It’s a pain in the neck, as I said earlier.
But I gotta go talk to him before he goes to work. His boss is probably gonna wonder what the heck happened, I hate to be the bearer of bad news but maybe he can help, I don't even know. I'm just ticked off and tired of what's been happening lately. I know December is the resurrection month but man I wish it didn't drag zombies out into the open as well.
Still, I've got a job to do, and that is punching those zombies in the face. Wait, no, that's Algorith's thing now. But you get the picture.
I'm closing this up for the night. Sorry for all the depressing stuff, but the awfully ironic silver lining in this is that it's forced us all to work together a little more closely now. Isn't that just hilarious? In a morbid way, obviously. Trauma forces us to be a family. Geez. I wish we didn't need that to feel so strongly brought together, because I'm telling you, I am sick of it.
Like I said though. I've got a sick and scared boy to take care of, and a reality-hopping nightcapped dude here to explain stuff to. See you later.

SESSION PARTICIPANTS

JAYCE

LAURIE

Hey there, you tragic disaster. You doing okay?

Yeah, I suppose so. I'm just really upset about how blind I was in the past, though, and I'm worried that maybe I'm not seeing things now either.

Hey hey hey, don't you DARE get all hesitant on me.
We deal with our main problems. Don't worry about that. You're not being blind, not by a long shot. If anything, you're finally seeing things clearly.
Be careful. I don't want anyone... well. I don't want you being bloody brutalized anymore.

...You know, it's weird. You say these things and I believe you, then something happens and I get all 'emotional' and then I think you're lying. BUT, as soon as said 'emotional situation' clears up and I look back on it, it hits me just how right you were.
Why does it always happen that way? Am I really that doubtful, or am I forcing myself to deny the truth for some reason?

Because those 'emotional situations' are simply bloody red herrings. They're those false euphorias you hate so much. Don't tell me you're cheapening yourself on those too?
And yeah, you're doubtful because you're insecure and because 'everyone else wants to run your life.' Forget them. Be you.
As for denying the truth, that ties in with your doubt, but it's a heck of a lot worse. It needs to stop before you kill yourself for good.
Speaking of, are you stable enough to channel lately? Because I really want to finish that freaking Xanga session but you haven't exactly been... well. You haven't been doing so hot, to say the absolute bloody least.

SESSION PARTICIPANTS

JAYCE LAURIE

Woke up early, had an awesome dream, and it's pouring rain outside.
First plan of action today? CATCHIN' SANDFISH.

Then go to that bloody Junk Heap and find those freakin' parts. Can't imagine why everyone needs robot bits all of a sudden, geez.
But yeah, you doing okay?

Let's see... for a waterwheel, a lighthouse, a broken boat, a broken kitchen, and weapon upgrades. JOY.
Also I miss my daughter so much. ;_; You have no idea.
I... no, I'm not okay, but I think I found another girl. We'll discuss that tonight.

Actually, for the waterwheel you need to go to Facade. WHABAM.
I do, really. You link up to those dudes so quick it's insane. Oh and I hear you squeeing over Emil over there. Heheh.
Really? Holy swords... yeah, that's definitely up for talking.

Yeah, EVERYONE needs that strange thing store now. Geez.
I can't help it; he's too freaking cute. Look at him float around.
I suppose so. I feel stupid for it, but it could happen.

Strange things are all the rage, boy.
Hey, I never said he wasn't cute. He's downright adorable. It's just hilarious to hear you flipping out over it.
And stop feeling stupid about it. Those one-sided 'relationships' of yours are the most beneficial things you have right now, and although that is kind of sick and sad, it's true. If this girl is worth holding on to, then don't you dare let go.

He has surfboards in his storefront.
SURFBOARDS. IN FACADE.
Isn't he though? I think the funniest part, though, is that I only started this once you-know-what happened. That's hardcore xenophilia for you, geez. Weiss goes without saying.
Are you sure? I just... we need to talk. I really wanted to tonight, but then... well, then I was hacked. I don't even remember why.
Tomorrow we'll settle this... I have to go to Seafront but considering how I feel right now, I think my bones will be too exhausted by the time I get another 2 hours in. Don't let me forget, because I'm hurting badly.

SURFIN' WITH THE SANDFISH BRO.
And yeah, I kind of noticed. 'Oh hey, what a nice kid. I like him.' Then stuff happens and it's 'FFFFF DYING OF CUTE.' You absolute weirdo, haha. Weiss does go without saying, winknudgecough.
About the talk... normally I'd grill you for this, but damn it, you were HACKED. I knew something was wrong when you tried to cry and blanked out instead. Long story short, don't try to remember. We know the underlying roots and until we burn those bloody things to ashes we aren't going to be safe. Just... be careful. I don't want you having a meltdown again.
Go to Seafront, give the old man those freakin' sandfish, and seriously? Is that a seasonal thing or are they really getting worse? Geez. Either way, I know all about the other kind of hurt, and you have three minutes left on the clock, so get your ass to bed before something bad happens again.

SESSION PARTICIPANTS

JAYCE

LAURIE

Just hit the halfway point in Nier.
Never before have I loved a game so much.

And once again we miss our conversation, heh.
Just kidding; that was seriously awesome stuff. Tell Emil that he is freaking adorable.

Isn't he? I want to hug him, seriously. And Weiss.
But yeah, I think I recovered slightly from yesterday, although my grandmother's constant shouting at me didn't help... and my constant paranoia/ guilt/ self-loathing/ etc. is spiking again. So since the boys won't be home tomorrow, I'll try to get a start on my new quest chains in the morning, then we dive into thinking all evening. Sound good?

Geez, boy-- knowing you, you probably wouldn't pass up on snogging that book either. DDI!
And what the heck is her problem? You're TRYING to get a job, but you're being logical about it. Geez. She needs to cool her jets already. But I'm intrigued on the spiking. You've got to start avoiding those bloody triggers already. I know you try to be altruistic and all, but for the love of sanity, these people are just harming you! Back off, alright?
But yeah, sounds good to me. Catch those freakin' sandfish.
Mind you, I'm not trying to bother you with these appointments. I'm just really, really freaking worried, what with how you took the trip and all the trouble that preceded that. Geez... one day we really just need to sit back and think about what you went through as a kid. It really ticks me off to think about all that.
So get some sleep, okay? And make sure you talk to the blue guy-- he says you apparently forgot the other night, and I doubt that settling that issue over Xanga- on top of everything else- would be a good idea.

Actually, I don't think I would. Despite how much I platonically love that dude, you know how violently I react to intimacy of any sort... btw that needs to be discussed too. I realized that most of what I've said about myself in the past was purely projected onto a non-existing ideal, so technically, it's all false. It made me sick when I found out but it's true.
Still, you're right, and I told her about the jobs, but she won't listen. I think my only option is to nab that filing position at the hospital; that way I get health coverage and don't have to deal with people who, frankly, have begun to set me off almost nonstop now. Thank God I no longer work in retail.
And about the spiking? It's paranoia. EXTREME paranoia, and there's no way to clearly tell if it's true or not. I'll tell you what spiked it tomorrow... but... is it selfish to be paranoid like I am? To think that every accusation and fault is mine? I know it's a weird question, but it hurts, and it's why the self-loathing is back up through the roof. I know you told me to avoid said people because of it, but I guess I'm just naive and stupid like that. I don't even know what I'm doing.
Anyway. Sandfish. Will do.
I know; I understand. That... I think that's what I always feared with 'dying at age 20.' Who said it had to be on my birthday?
That's a good idea, though. Plus I need to research childhood psychological development further anyway, which will hopefully prove my suspicions that I mentally matured really, really fast. Still doesn't explain why I hit a high around 2nd grade that never went back up... it might anger you, but it tears me up.
I will, to both things. The truth is, I'm terrified, because... well, because of how the trip affected me, to be awfully blunt. I've been scared to death of being with him because of how others treat relationships, which is stupid, but I still feel anxious.
I'll tell him though. Hopefully we can work through that.
About Xanga, though. Remember that paper I wrote while over there? About those issues we realized but never discussed? I think we should at least start that list tomorrow evening.
And I'm really tired and actually pretty downright heartsick from the plot progression today but it's a good pain for once, finally.
My words are unraveling too, but it's a bad unraveling. Not the floating inspiration. This is streetlight snow and high school.
I wish I could go back to that sometimes, to how it was before I started meeting people. The bad just... it outweighs what little good I could find. And the good wasn't even direct.
I feel really sick, Laurie. I'll see you tomorrow.

...Kid you're making me want to talk right now, but you do need sleep, so I've gotta wait.
On that last note, though, I think the parts most people would see as bad were the best parts for us. 2008 was a bloody mess, sure, but all that pain was hugely beneficial. Like that book of yours said, I think that can all be chalked up as a really difficult life lesson. It sucked, but it helped eventually. Also, even if not tomorrow, I really want to discuss all that stuff again. Get things in perspective, y'know?
But thanks. Talk to him, go to work, do those quests, and then talk to me.
I do love you, kid, even if I don't show it too well.

SESSION PARTICIPANTS

LAURIE UBERICH

JEWEL LIGHTRAYE

What an immature, spineless bastard.

Am I really that much of a screwup?

Yeah, you bloody well are. Three days without a stable connection, and what happens? You freaking COLLAPSE. You need to get the heck out of here.

I know, but I need a job I can handle psychologically first...

No, not just out of this house, you freak. Out of EVERYTHING.

That's not even possible.

I'm sure it is on some level. And I'm not talking suicide, you moron. That's just you being too much of a gutless wimp to fight.

Don't say that. Some people commit suicide because they really feel they have no hope. Sometimes I feel like that.

Because you're also being a sightless dunce. This is your life I'm talking about. You have a ton of hope; God only knows why you fail to recognize it.

...Julie.

Why the heck should her whorish actions kill your motivations, though? Yeah, she freaking tries to kill you every chance she gets, but her shallow manipulations CANNOT change the big picture!

But I can't see the big picture clearly anymore. How do I know it's even the right picture?

Just-- geez. Just what the heck. I really don't know how to deal with this anymore.

That makes two of us, Laurie.

That makes a whole bloody lot more than two of us, actually. How do you think your kids feel about this? How do you think Chaos feels about this? You've been avoiding virtually everyone and everything like a Godforsaken plague, and the sick part is that I don't even blame you for it! Your birth family is against you, the entire bloody world is against you, and meanwhile I'm up here day and night frantically trying to get you through it. I don't know how.

My grandmother wants me to get another job. I need a job. I need the money.

You need a job that's not going to screw you up even more. College was hideous enough on that note alone.

No one here but you and I can understand that, though.

Sad but true. I still say you head on over to that office and see if you qualify for disability on any level. I mean, geez, with all the mental trauma alone you should already match up for something.

It's hellish, Laurie, and yet people say I should 'change it.' Become one of the mindless drones. Live my life according to the 'American dream' in which you rot away your days and are no good to anyone. Screw that. I'll suffer as much as I have to if it's right.

Thatta boy. Only problem is surviving though.

Yeah.

One question, really quick.

What?

Why the heck are you semi-unconscious right now? Why am I driving?

I can't deal with this anymore.

Oh no you don't. Don't you dare surrender on me. We CAN deal with this. People might not agree with us, but we are dealing with this.

Staying up till ungodly hours listening to the Nier soundtrack in reverse.

Whatever works, kid. By the way, that game is a godsend. If I had the nerve I'd tell your grandmother to lay the heck off and let you get a few hours in without being threatened due to your 'age.' Forget age. Forget gender roles. Forget all that old garbage and get yourself in working order.

I'm trying. Unfortunately the way this world is built, that's borderline impossible right now.

Then play at the edge of the field. If the world is throwing its craziness at you, throw your own fire right back. We've tried most all we can possibly try without going to mad extremes. I think it's time we threw off the bloody restraints and went all out.

How?

Geez it's so weird having you echoing in the back instead of me. But yeah, I'm not entirely sure how... not yet. First step is still figuring out how to handle income, as it's unfortunately needed. Do that first thing tomorrow, all right?

Okay.

Then we focus on the mental issue. We don't want any cures here; there's nothing to cure. We need your body fixed the heck up, and your mind acknowledged the heck up because until we get the governmental green light no one's going to believe hearsay.

So...

So don't give up. It'll be hard, but don't you dare compromise either.

That's the hard part.

I know, I know. Believe me, I go everywhere you do; I know all about that problem. But seriously, STOP.

Can I even do that without sacrificing what little worldly stability I have at the moment? Both my mother and grandmother have entirely corrupt views on the most important issues, and whenever I oppose them, I'm immediately threatened with expulsion-- the complete loss of a roof over my head, a dollar in my pocket, and food on the table, to say the absolute least. Yeah, they try to justify that by saying 'get an apartment,' but I can't make nearly enough money to finance that on my own, especially not with all the other obstacles in my way.

And that ticks me off. We really need to find a way around and out of that... you need out, but how?

I don't know.

Yeah, exactly. I doubt we even have the means anymore, and that's disconcerting.

...

You still upset about earlier, huh?

...

You know what? Forget Julie.That bitch can go to hell for all I care. I know you fight, but I also know you're too freaking weak and manipulated to defend yourself anymore. It still makes my blood boil, that won't change, but as of right now you are not in good condition. I'll spare you the verbal tirades until we get you back on your feet. Just keep your head up and don't let your guard down. If you can prevent the trauma then you won't have to fight it outright.

I'm trying. I'm not doing well.

...I was afraid you'd say that. Man. I'm really lost here. Nier's your only ground right now?

Basically. I won't let Julie get at them.

Well that explains where all your energy's going.

She won't leave my kids alone. Laurie, I'd sob for days if I had it in me, with what she's done.

Wait, she's still screwing around with your kids?? That devilish whore...

She won't stop. It's destroying me from the bones out. I'm dying at this point.

No kidding. Damn it... that... that has to stop. That has to stop immediately.

How?

I don't know yet, but I'll be damned if I don't do everything in my power to find out.

I feel so helpless.

Well, at the moment you kind of are, and it's not your fault. You don't belong here and it's starting to become lethal. Don't hate yourself for it-- the real you, mind. The you that's hiding for fear of being freaking raped every time he steps outside. Don't hate yourself.

It's difficult.

Yeah, I know. Listen... I was going to bring Jo in here, but seeing the time and knowing your family, I think it's best if I just let you head off to work. I know that's a small solace to you most nights.

It's a gamble though. A blissfully horrible sort of gamble. I see such horrific things, Laurie...

But the gamble's ultimately worth it, unlike most things we've found here.

I know. It's sick, but I know. And I love my boss. He helps a lot.

That's good to hear. Really it is. Just remember Chaos and I are always here for you as well, aiite? I swear on my honor, neither of us will ever hurt you. I don't care what that pigtailed bitch says, let alone anyone you've met in this world.

...Ever since that trip I just can't trust anyone anymore.

Hey hey hey, save it for tomorrow, kid. It's late and I really don't want to start on a vital subject with seconds left on the clock.

Okay. I just... I just wish I could... see you, I guess. Just once, and maybe I'd feel safer. I don't know; I feel stupid and sick and wrong and talking to anyone just makes it worse.

Is that it? The self-loathing's gotten that bad?

Yeah. And my grandmother just came out and made it worse. I really need to sign off, I'm sorry.

Hey, no apologies needed there. I don't want to see you suffering any more today.

Geez, that's unusual of you.

Heh, not quite. It's the right kind of suffering I promote, not this hell. This... is just sadistic at this point.

You think?

Yeah, I do. But come on already, get some rest. The earlier you manage to get up the less screaming you'll have to put up with...

I don't think I've... I've ever seen you this sad.

Me neither, kid. Guess it came with the job description, though.

I'm sorry.

Hey, no apologies. This isn't your fault, believe me when I tell you. Now get to work and I'll see you tomorrow evening.

And then we'll really talk.

Yeah. Then the big guns come out.

Or swords. I've been rather partial to them lately.

Haha, I bet you have! But really, sleep.

Okay.

Actually, no. Wait up just one second, I promised I'd bring this up.

...What?

Chaos is... infinitely more torn up about this than I am, really. I know your paranoia is making it really difficult for you to associate with anyone other than me, but kid, the two of you really need each other right now, and not in the stupid way all these halfwits around you do.

...

I already spoke with him tonight; now you need to man up and do the same. Don't let the world try to black you out, because you have a heck of a lot more light than... look. Please, just... just fix this. I don't want to see what you guys have being undermined by some filthy whore and her brainless perverted antics. I don't think I could handle that. Heck, none of us could handle that!

But what do I do?

Heh, there you go again. Stop asking other people how to live your life. It's not right. I know you've practically been programmed to do that but come on. Think about what Weiss would say.

Haha, yeah... he wouldn't be very happy.

Yeah, no kidding. And neither would I.

Okay, okay... I'll try something. I don't know what yet, but I'll try.

Good. Sorry about that, but I wouldn't be able to sleep if I forgot.

I know the feeling.

Yeah... geez. We're dragging this on too long and I'm getting anxious. Count of three and we close up.

Who's counting?

Me, and time's up. Off you go.

All right, all right.

Yesterday morning, around 12AM, I tentatively plugged in the XBox and took NIER out of its case, for the first time in 4 months. I knew my grandmother wouldn't approve; as far as she was concerned, if I wasn't able to magically find a job and drive off to work within the next five minutes, I was wasting my time... but to be honest, I had better things to do at the moment.
I put the disc into our battered console and watched the company logos blink onto the television screen, feeling a strange wave of anxious nostalgia burn through me. I clicked 'Continue' without a second thought and found myself standing amidst the grassy knolls of my hometown, hearing Devola singing at the fountain and immediately remembering that I had some Shades to take care of.
In that instant, the stress of the past few months dissolved into the sunlight, and my single worry was whether or not my daughter was feeling well.
If only I could find the words to explain how much these 'worthless endeavors' mean to me, both in the immediate future and in the long run. 'Video game' almost seems too crude a term to label them with at this point.

Chaos Zero finds it both hilarious and endearing that I pretty much want to 'grow up' to be the protagonist in Nier... the man is practically an older version of me the way it is, white hair and all. Heck, he's even making me strongly consider adopting a daughter in the distant future, although I fear being a single father in this world (especially for one such as myself) would only put undue stress on the poor child.

The mirror upsets me. I'd remove it if it didn't extend my field of depth; without it there is simply a wall 46cm from where I sit. Hopefully I can deal with that, as glancing up and seeing the face of a stranger in it each time is infinitely more traumatic than a slight provocation of my claustrophobic tendencies.

Klonoa lit up my childhood with a brilliant dream. Sonic Adventure introduced me to the love of my life. Pokemon was a source of unending friendship and inspiration. Now, Nier is not only helping me literally be a better man, but I feel it's going to have an incredibly deep impact on me as a person the deeper I tread.
Why can't people understand this? Why can't they realize that the means are no barrier to the glorious ends such dreams can bless us with?

Geez. I'd speak more, but frankly I've been channeling Grimoire Weiss' speech pattern all evening, and as awesome as that is, it's also draining... plus my grandmother will be furious if I don't get some sleep.
Ah well. I've managed to shake the dust off myself, and last night's shift was incredibly interesting... who knows? Maybe I'll even get to see my boss again.

Either way, it's better than lingering in this world.

So I'm Ahrima?

I had a really, really unsettling dream last night... I'd love to write it in homefive, but I don't remember enough to put it there in any sort of entirety. As a result, I'm going to discuss it here.
Let's start where we left off last night, though.
I continued to chillax to Eminem until around 11PM, when I became so distraught I e-mailed my mother, asking her whether she thought I should stay or not. In her reply this morning, though, all she said was for me to do what was right for me. She told me that since I am so caring and giving, people take advantage of me whether they realize it or not, and that tears me apart... sadly I can list a good deal of people who have indeed done that in the past, and although it hurts, I still love all of them. My mother realized that was my problem as well, so she warned me, but then just left it at that. She did ask me to call, though, so I'll do that later this afternoon if I get the chance.
However... in light of last night's dream, that single line-- "You need to do what's right for you" -- has become more harrowing than helpful.

I was walking through some sort of dark building with Q and Mel; I remember it was very dark and quiet. We came to a door on the right of a long hallway, which Q opened to let us in.
To my surprise, as soon as we entered, the lighting turned almost theatrical and focused on a sinister looking dude in the center of the room-- I remember he was dressed in a brown outfit that was slightly 'punky' and torn, and his hair was a mess. Either way, he took a step towards me and suddenly started singing "The Spider And The Lamps" from Razia's Shadow. Unfortunately, I was too euphoric that this random dude actually knew the musical to realize just how dangerous Barayas' role was... especially since I had been 'chosen' to play Ahrima. Even worse, Q and Mel hadn't moved from the door since I entered, so when the Barayas guy sang "I saw what they did," I jumped right into Ahrima's impassioned shout of "Yeah, so arrogant," looking back at them as if they were also part of the musical-- the people I was rebelling against. I then sang along with Barayas as he continued, but once it came to the point where he was to give me my 'motivation'-- "you have a special gift," etc. -- he stopped singing and let the instrumental part carry on for about 10 seconds. I started walking towards the back of the room, asking aloud why he wasn't singing, when I noticed a small group of people standing by a boom box to the right of the room. Apparently they were managing the music. As soon as I asked why Barayas had stopped singing, though, they skipped through the rest of that song AND most of the next (Toba the Tura), stopping once they reached the final verse of the latter. The guy who had played Barayas was apparently supposed to switch into Toba's role for that song, but he walked over to the music people and insisted "do I really have to sing this one?" as he didn't want to perform it. I was still oblivious to all but the music, though, and asked if I could still sing my part, but they said no, as it was 'too difficult' a part to sing. I was offended, as I felt this was a shoot-down of my ability, and asked them how they would know that, but I received no answer. Almost immediately the dream shifted, but I don't remember what happened next... and that's not important.
What is important is the fact that I had become Ahrima.

Let me explain a bit of history for those of you unfamiliar with Razia's Shadow... Ahrima is the Angel of Hope, who was created by 'O the Scientist'-- a Godlike figure who is responsible for creating the world and the angels alike. Ahrima is one of his two 'purest cherubs,' but feels that his abilities are being ignored and misused. Long story short, he tries to gain both admiration and acceptance by creating 'the lamps,' but instead of praising him, the people of the world only see O's glory in them. Ahrima feels utterly discouraged and angry, and retreats into 'the darkness.'
Once there, Barayas finds him.
Barayas is described as naught but a 'dinky, brownish spider,' but he managed to fill Ahrima's mind with such egotism and ideas of grandeur, insisting that 'no one truly understands' his gifts, that he caused the angel to rebel against all he had been blessed with. Strangely enough, that part is what the Barayas in my dream failed to sing. However, after turning Ahrima away from the light, so to speak, Barayas tells him to 'bring the lamps back to him...' and destroy them. Ahrima does.
The world is burnt to the ground and cast into darkness from this selfish action, and a man named Toba the Tura is sent (by O? It's never clarified) to admonish Ahrima for his great sin. During that song, which was also skipped in my dream, Toba makes Ahrima realize that he's thrown away the 'privilege, hope and love' of his life and condemned the people of the world to suffering the consequences of his actions. Toba then tells Ahrima that he has been damned to live alone in the Dark he has created, while the rest of the people, along with his family and friends, will be brought into the Light to live. This is where my dream picked up... when Ahrima desperately cries to his creator, "What have I done?" and begs to be once again 'made his son...' as he has 'destroyed all he loves.'
You see why I'm so concerned.
I can't help but feel that the song-skipping was relevant, though... that in being Ahrima, I had assumedly created the lamps and had turned to the dark out of rejection... but upon meeting Barayas, I somehow fell straight into the contrition and condemnation... and even worse, I was being forbidden from feeling it. What happened?
My only comfort is that I (hopefully) had not destroyed anything. But was it a warning? Am I at risk for destroying the lamps in my own life? Am I at risk for being walled off into the Dark, cut off from everyone I ever loved, damned to suffer the consequences of my own selfish sins for all eternity?

"Do what's right for you," she said. But how do I know what's truly right for me? With so many outside influences, with so many dinky brownish spiders clinging to my shoulders, am I truly making the right decision? Where are my lamps? What could possibly make me want to destroy them? Or would I even realize what I was doing?

I guess the answer is right in front of me, though. It's right within those same notes.
"Never surrender, because the unrelenting constancy of love and hope will rescue and restore you from any scope."
Ironically, that's what's causing me my current problems.

Maybe I just have a spider on my shoulder.

So you’re Ahrima
Nice to finally meet ya
Heard so much about you
And I hope it’s all true
I saw what they did
Yeah, such arrogance
I’m the spider
Crawl inside her

I’m going to show you this once
And then you’re going to do it
You have a special gift
But they still treat you like you’re a kid
It must hurt so bad with a knife in your back

They don’t understand
This is their last chance
No more idle hands
You’ll destroy the lamps
Then they’ll know who’s in control

Bring those lamps back to me
Don’t leave them in one piece
Make sure there’s a crowd
Then tear them to the ground
Bring those lamps back to me
Don’t leave them in one piece
It’s your chance for revenge
This will show them
Now it’s your turn
C’mon, like you mean it!

I have a special gift
But they still treat me like I’m a kid
It hurts so bad with a knife in your back
They don’t understand
This is their last chance
No more idle hands
I’ll destroy the lamps
Then they’ll know who’s in control

They can’t stop you
Bring those lamps back to me
Go now!
Don’t stop!
They underestimate you and your gift

Tear those lamps to the ground
Let them cry their eyes out!
Tear those lamps to the ground
Let them hear the sound...

So hey guys. Jayce here.
Yeah, I'm sticking with the name. Don't diss me; I'm more than a little sick of making my own choices only to have them overthrown by someone with an entirely different and irrelevant reference point. I've been 'trying out' the name for several months now (a year? geez I have no clue) and it really... well, it fits.
I've never been this happy with myself before. Sure, I've been pretty terrifically psyched with the work I've done, but with the kid in the mirror? Nah. I always disassociated, and although I will freely admit that I still am, at least the image I'm projecting makes me honestly smile.
So I've made up my mind. I'm going through with the FTM surgery and hopefully getting nullified shortly afterwards. God only knows when I'll get the means to do so (hopefully soon), but at least it's mentally decided. That's a huge load off my back, which as you all know is bad enough the way it is!

As for the title, well, let's start this past Saturday morning. As you assumedly know, I spent the vast entirety of June in Utah with Q and Mel, and returned on July 9th to stay here for about... I dunno, three weeks? Anyway, leaving my home so suddenly in June really disoriented me. I spent June in a sort of 'interim,' virtually unable to communicate with my family back in PA because my sense of reality had shifted horribly off-scale. I kind of 'ghosted' for the four weeks until my return, upon which I was faced with several huge dilemmas. I've spoken about the moral/personal ones in glissando, but the other one focused solely around my future. While I have indeed touched upon that point in the past as well, it was the immediate choices I was now being forced to make that burnt me out.
Let me clarify. Staying at home was a problem because my school and work lives had been pretty much shot, my space at home was very limited and I was desperately looking for a new road to walk. However, heading back out to Utah to hopefully find said road was also a huge problem for several massive reasons... I didn't have a school or work life at all there, let alone family or a roof over my head. I was basically jumping blindfolded into a canyon and hoping that I wouldn't black out upon hitting the water... that is, if the water wasn't just a hallucination at this point. Still, I figured it was worth a shot, so I bit my tongue and hopped a plane to Chicago on the 31st, where I would meet the cat and the otter. Well... that's when things started to go downhill again, and it frightened me.
See, I tend to forget experiences in their entirety, and if I do retain a memory, my mind tends to 'chop it up' to keep it from traumatizing or otherwise damaging me. That's what it apparently did with the four weeks I spend in Utah prior. I had remembered it as a positive experience until I stepped off the plane and was thrown back into the unsettling realization that I just didn't fit. It really took hold when Q and Mel decided to take me walking randomly through Chicago for some undisclosed reason.
Fun fact #1: I cannot stand random, spontaneous schedules. If you're going to wander off somewhere with no real plan, no real destination and no time/travel estimate, do NOT take me with you because I will flip out. Fun fact #2: beaches, carnivals and large public gatherings trigger massive panic attacks in me. Fun fact #3: Guess what happened in Chicago?
Yep, not only did they basically just wander about without telling me what the heck we were doing (bad enough I only had about $50 in my pocket, no keys, and no awareness of the surrounding area), but when they decided they were going to settle on a destination, it was a freaking park on the beach. What. So yeah, I panicked. Heck, as soon as I saw the buildings start to die down I was worried-- once the first hint of saltwater air hit me I snapped.
But let's fast-forward. Since I had such a breakdown we couldn't logically stay, so thankfully about 20 minutes in we decided to catch a bus back out to near where we were staying. The rest of the night was relatively okay from what I remember, as nothing happened, but honestly it's a useless memory to me and I'd rather not think upon it.
I dreamt about my left knee exploding in blood.
Understandably, I was not very stable when I woke up, and when I heard we were apparently headed to a farm, the panic meter shot back up. As I was too shaken to think straight, my coping was limited to biting my arms until they bruised. Once again I can't remember what happened over the rest of that day, but that evening and the entirety of our Monday were pretty much just wasted away with random hanging out in Wisconsin farmland. Sure, the fields were flipping gorgeous, but when they're full of cows and I can't run through them, they lose some of their magic, y'know?
Plus all I could think of was Dori. We were only about 3 hours driving time away from her, and it was all I could think of.
I'm so confused. I still care for her deeply, unconditionally, but I don't know what I feel for anyone anymore. It hurts more than I can possibly say.
Oh-- there was actually one other thing. We visited a model train layout. I know, I know, I'm not a fan of such things, but I never really understood why until I visited that one in the rather painful mood I was in. Of course, there's the issue of spending such extravagant amounts of money on bits of electronic metal and foam, but the real killer is why they do it... or at least my perception of why.
They create an entire fantasy world. That's it. Those huge setups, with their random plastic houses and people eternally 'living' the same moments as toy trains whiz aimlessly by... they're just fantasy worlds. Useless ones. What good is that doing for anyone? Sure, it'll entertain some random passerby for a few minutes as they wander by, but it ultimately achieves no greater good.
It just bugs me to no end when people create things with no 'real' purpose to them. Yeah, I know some people do it for a hobby, but why? I just don't get it. Oh well.
Back on topic.
We woke up at 6AM on Tuesday, and drove to Dubuque Iowa to catch a bus.

All right, this experience was so stressful it needs a paragraph break. Here we go.
So we wait at the terminal from 9AM to 12PM, and in the meantime I get a phone call from my dad saying that the U had rejected my application because my GPA was below 2.0. Well, my jaw hit the floor. There was no way in heaven it could be that low-- so I called my home campus. Well, you remember the winter semester of 2009 when I had those repeated mental breakdowns and had to drop out of classes? Apparently that still counted towards my academic record, and so now I'm screwed! The only thing I can do now is speak to the U's offices in person and see if they can make an exception for me, considering my psychological issues... but we'll get back to that point later. Needless to say, that news upset me horribly, and so I was in a pretty agonized mood until about 5PM, when we got off at a connecting terminal in Des Moines, Idaho.
That's where our title comes from. We basically hung out there for the next 6 hours, as I fixed my iPod's library (his name is Razia btw) and read The First Horseman until our bus to Denver showed up around 11PM. Unfortunately, the bus terminal announced it as Omaha instead, and so we weren't aware it was even ours until we went out to confusedly double-check-- and were told that yeah, it WAS our bus, but there was no seating left. So we and a small crowd of fellow passengers were left at the terminal waiting for a replacement bus that wasn't even guaranteed to show up.
Then the terminal decided to close.
Yes, you heard me. Our bus group, as well as a bunch of people waiting for a 1AM pickup, were thrown out on the curb around 12AM and told to wait there as the workers assumedly went home. This wouldn't have been a huge problem if we had been guaranteed a bus arrival, if it hadn't been 12AM, AND if it hadn't been thunderstorming-- with a tornado warning, no less.
You guessed it: panic attack! I got to the point where I was shaking uncontrollably and couldn't breathe correctly, all the while getting soaked and wishing I were back in PA, where I at least had a home to go to.
That's when I was forced to really look at my situation.
There I was: a phantom Sandman, shaking like a madman in a plastic chair on a Des Moines sidewalk, buffeted by moths, rain and wind, and completely unaware of where the next bus would be taking me. Not a very pretty situation. I immediately asked myself why the heck I was even on a cruddy sidewalk in Idaho, and the only answer I had was "because I'm supposed to go to Utah."
That sentence sounded so incredibly stupid at 1AM I wanted to cry. So I was basically ostracizing myself because I was supposed to? Says who?
Then I looked to my right to see a boy in red and a girl in black, and my head slumped down onto my chest. Oh.
See, my problem is my devotion, as undetectable as it is. I'm incredibly devoted to my family, but I still care about these two kids... so being forced to choose is more than I can handle.
The only major warning sign is that said kids insist that I "must" stay here in Utah. No exceptions.

I'm currently sitting in Q's living room, 8:23PM, listening to Eminem, wondering where I'm going to sleep, and feeling more lonely than I have ever been in my life.

I really don't care whether or not I'm "supposed" to be here anymore.
The truth is, I'm being used as a crutch here. I'm not sure how, as I don't understand their motives, but I can feel it. No matter what they tell me, I still feel like a third wheel and I keep looking out the window and wishing I were on the planes that fly overhead.
I don't know how much longer my grandparents will live. My brothers are growing up without me. My past is fading away. Yeah, I want to live a meaningful future, but geez-- if I'm stuck here in this mountain state holding up two lovebirds who apparently can't function without romance, then I'm not going to have one anyway.
I really, really want to go back home. I want to see my family again. I just... I guess I took them for granted. It wasn't until I was dragged out here that I realized how much they mean to me, even if I don't spend much time at the house, even if I don't feel safe within the walls. It's still my freaking home. It's still my family out there.
When I walked out the door on Saturday, I saw my grandfather cry for the first time in the 20 years I've been on this earth. That hurt more than you know.

When I go back to PA, I'm going to land a job at Borders, spend a huge amount of time working on my personal projects, and do everything humanly possible to fix my academic record and get back into the educational system. I want to make progress. Heck, I want to make MUSIC. I want to reach out and change peoples lives, and I want to have a life ahead of me... I'm sick and tired of sitting on buses and couches waiting to be given the next orders from my charge.

Still, I feel so horribly selfish, and that's what makes everything so difficult here.
Leaving Q and Mel will be 'betraying' them, as they do insist I stay no matter what. However, staying here will be leaving my family behind, who misses me terribly and who frankly needs me around.
I feel like a really confused guardian angel right now. The kids across the room apparently need me to watch over them, but... I don't know. It doesn't feel right at all.
God, what do I do, huh?
I'll try to stay here for at least a week... maybe two... see what I can do. I just feel so lonely and torn up right now.

Oh well. This too shall pass, I'm the only one who can live my life, and despite my being pulled in so many different directions, my vision is clearing up for the first time.
I just need to take a deep breath, check my head and heart, and step onto the next road.
Hesitation isn't doing me any good. Life is full of chances and choices, and unless I find the guts to stand up for my personal Light, I'm going to die here.
I refuse to just fade away. I refuse to just rot here. I refuse to compromise anymore.
Time to set this in motion.

Relax, I ain't goin back to that now
All I'm tryin to say is get back, click-clack, blaow
Cause I ain't playin around
It's a game called circle and I don't know how, I'm way too up to back down
But I think I'm still tryin to figure this crap out
Thought I had it mapped out but I guess I didn't, this fckin black cloud
still follows me around but it's time to exorcise these demons
These muh'fckers are doing jumpin jacks now!

I'm not afraid
To take a stand
Everybody come take my hand
We'll walk this road together, through the storm
Whatever weather, cold or warm
Just lettin you know that, you're not alone
Holla if you feel like you've been down the same road

And I just can't keep living this way
So starting today, I'm breaking out of this cage
I'm standing up, I'ma face my demons
I'm manning up, I'ma hold my ground
I've had enough, now I'm so fed up
Time to put my life back together right now!

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December 2025

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December 2025

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