the spectrum heart cathedral system

 
Church run
Felt SO SICK & weak

2hour praybiking
GLORIOUS mysteries feel the BEST
No burnout

BK prep Mimic & Laurie talking
"second in command"
Also mim commenting on CZ & J, CZ clarifying J aroace history, notably Cupid "he IS romance, but he doesn't really DO romance"

Francis devotional. "Bring the Light into the dark" Jay moved, talking animatedly about this 

ADELAIDE NAME LOSS momentarily
Julie freaking out
We all let Adelaide lead prayers
Feeling collective responsibility, considering own fallibility; felt "WRONG" to assume no personal sin, STARK CONTRAST TO THE HYPERRELIGIOUS FONI
Also ALGORITH & SUGAR fronting hard to pray
Jeremiah moved in to close up, totally unexpected

Addie saying she should be a nurse
Also saying she is getting to know the Blepofoni
Laurie noting how MONUMENTAL Adelaide's role is, first bodycare foni that KEPT the job, formed a SELF, and WASN'T AN ABUSER

Daily devotional = "if God calls us to do something [in Scripture], then it's possible". Huge amount of hope there
ALSO "true motivation" hit HARD. reflect on it.

⭐GOD GIVES US A NEW HEART. WE CANNOT MAKE IT OURSELVES.

MIMIC hit HARD by "pray for enemies" + "don't harden your heart" devotional.
Imagining this in his DC days. Talking to Christ about it. He explained that He MADE the heart to love, and He didn't want ANYONE to die or be hurt, not him or his enemies. The very state of enmity was unnatural to true Creation. So He calls us to cooperate with REALITY, the undefeated Truth.
Begrudgingly obeying, still thinking this is crazy, but a spark of hope. Keeps at this, duty at first, but action paved the way for grace. then in time, suddenly realizing his heart was free. No walls because this new heart was made invincible in surrendered prayer. Grace taught him compassion, and freed him from fear. Nothing could offend that trust & radically kindness. All the opposition was powerless now

BTW BLACKHAIR SIDEBURNS "JAY" IS OUT MORE.
SOLID ANCHOR GROWING. MUCH HEALTHIER SPIRITUALLY THAN THE GIRLS.

⭐how to love suffering = you only suffer in a FIGHT. if you're fighting then you are at WAR with something, to DEFEND something. To love suffering then is to be FIGHTING FOR LOVE, to be DEFENDING GOD & OTHERS FROM EVIL???? All wounds borne for the sake of a loving cause are CHERISHED. We are actual humbled proof of this. JESUS IS THE ULTIMATE PROOF.

⭐Divine office prayer = persecuted Christians. "But I don't know what that feels like personally." SO WHAT, THEY DO!!! and in blessed imagination SO CAN WE. we are ONE IN HIS SPIRIT & BODY. = if I am united with Christ, then I share in His suffering, which He shared with all people. Therefore I CAN empathize with all men THROUGH CHRIST. their pain IS my pain IN CHRIST. we are all one in him. Our joys & struggles are all mutual. What i lack, they can give; what they lack i can give. "Fill up suffering" AND "offer it up" AND "our comfort overflows" "it is for your sake"

TILLY'S REAL NAME IS TATIANA, AND HER COLOR IS PALE ORCHID PINK!!!
Also remember there is a green somafoni named KATHERINE, close to HOBAN & AENIMA

HORRIFIC DREAD/ PANIC ATTACK FROM MUSIC????
deeply shaken & disturbed. JESUS WARNED US TWICE!!!! Saw the devil number. That means STOP!!!  But we were so shocked and distressed that we "brushed it off," like "can't be, maybe I'm seeing things" feeling??? SUSPECTING its legitimacy but TERRIFIED to admit it, AND scared to admit WE WERE "DOING WRONG"

Laurie FURIOUS at "peanut gallery" for joking about Christ dying yet living


 

god, I hurt all over.

it's terrible that we think that doing something bad to ourselves before someone else does it to us counts as saving ourself.
that's wrong.
that's sick.
that's sad.

that's too sad for me to bear anymore


i can't take this anymore.
it always happens after therapy, you notice?
our therapist has one bad habit: leading us into assumptions.
she makes a guess and talks like it's the absolute truth and since we don't want to be rude in contradicting her, we get angry. and scared.
and then we go home and self-abuse and WHY

because, because we were talking about THAT TOPIC.
that horrible topic that we TOLD HER we didn't want back in our psyche
damn it
DAMN IT.
I'm sorry. we shouldn't be swearing.
but I hurt so bad inside.

and outside

god help us this is why we stopped caring about self-preservation a while back

the brother keeps loudly declaring and threatening suicide
almost as a knife, to scare and manipulate other people
even if he's obviously hurt and hopeless enough to consider it
you don't use it as a weapon.

meanwhile we're quietly wasting away
no longer caring if people see our damage
no longer caring how much of a mess we are
all over the place
just… gradually dying.
slow, quiet, resigned suicide.
we just stopped trying to live any longer, really

and that's the saddest thing
because we WANT to live
but

but inside.

not like this.
not like this

we still can't see a future.
we tried. god we tried, the first jayce THOUGHT he saw a future, but it was… it's… it's actually still the only future we can fathom.
wow.
think about that for a second, actually
here I am saying "we have no future" because I'm looking at the BODY
I'm imagining this dead-end blank face and body and IT HAS NO FUTURE AND NEVER WILL
but jayce, pinstripe, the willows, they imagined this body and face changing, shifting to something safer and more accurate and realer,
and suddenly we could EXIST, we could be a real person, in the world, surviving…
…that still applies.
we could have a future if we stay trans. if we continue to change to neutral in the absolute best possible future. either way we could keep going.
not like this.

and that's the problem.
we've been identifying with the body too much lately, either through fear or depression or force.
and it's killing us.
we've been trying for years and the bottom line, the 100%-of-the-time truth, is that with this face and body, WE CANNOT SURVIVE.
in this face and body, we are self-abusive and hateful and hopeless and empty.
IT NEVER, EVER, EVER CHANGES.

god help us
the worst fronters ALL LOOK LIKE THIS BODY
and it's so damned hard to constantly consciously overlay just to function when outside social triggers keep making us lose that focus and therefore dissociating immediately.
god have we talked to the therapist about this?


the whole body hurts
jewel is in that state of hypershocked denial that comes with the inability to process a worldshaking terror, something too awful to cope with. she's numbing out and we're TERRIFIED because they've been trying to hurt her for years, and if SHE gets hurt permanently… god, will we be able to create anything at all?
it's been so difficult to do anything art-wise for so long now, with all this trauma… jewel was the only real person we knew left who could push past that with steady optimism and childlike wonder, real childhood imagination, untouched by the terror of adulthood…
…I think that's the issue.
this jewel, the one who is panicking today, is the one who's about fifteen. sixteen, tops, and even that feels way too old.


we're listening to the new hiatus kaiyote album and that's at least helping us take our collective mind off the pain and shock and nauseating terror.

god who can we talk to about this
we're so tired of asking for help on tumblr, we're afraid people just roll their eyes at us, "drama," etc. remember what happened when we used to run the archive blog as a personal update thing? we nearly shut down for months from the amount of anon hate we got. all claiming we were fake attention whores. it makes my stomach turn just thinking about it now.
but we're so bad at social interaction. god knows we've tried, it just… it's so draining, even when we love people, we're so bad at conversation, it just drains our batteries in seconds. we can write, but we can't speak. we can't make eye contact but we can still focus on their hands, just as raptly.
but it's so hard to reach out and "talk" because of that. when you don't have any social experience, and you desperately need some sort of human interaction that ISN'T abusive or terrifying or obligatory or impatient… what do you do? how do you even go about finding that?
and how do you keep it safe once you find it, if your own face and voice are those of the enemy? when your reflection and words are those of your adversary, of your nemesis, when you look in the mirror and see an abuser, when you laugh and hear the trauma happening all over again, when your very fucking body betrays you with its own panicked reactions…

god this is why we forget we even have the chance of a future.
when you're this wrapped up in horrible-body pain and terror, it's hard to see the true you. it's hard for anyone to even front like this, just like when the body is literally ill, because the amount of jarring sickness is so intense that it mangles everyone's overlays, that we can't figure out how to even process such an alien sensation… let alone trauma flashbacks, let alone abuse symptoms. when the body is that wracked by such mind-shatteringly terrible things… no one real can front, because we cannot let that into ourselves.
so the bad people stay out. the suicidal, abusive, careless people stay out and front, because they match that vibration, because they exist on the same level as that feeling of worthlessness and disgust and numbness and shit.
and the abusive cycles continue, because those girls feel that such suffering is all there ever was, all there is now, and all there ever will be, and the can't see or feel or even comprehend otherwise, and so they just never stop perpetuating it out of sheer despair. they're so crushed and empty that… we don't know what to do.

taking care of the body is tough as a result because it's hard for any of us to get out there and do it, when the body IS so sick. god it's been so sick lately.
our only hope is staying up until awful exhausted hours of the morning just to dissociate into a computer screen and forget we have a body and exist in floating space and suddenly we CAN be happy, we CAN be hopeful, we CAN dream and plan for a GOOD FUTURE, one without further abuse or objectification or fear or apathy…

…that's why this hell happened today.
there's one girl in the system at large, not jacinth but close, who has one goal in life and that is to "become a sex toy for some girl." we’ve talked about this shit. it's an obvious abuse consequence mechanism, motivated by the thought process of "sex is the only "love" I've experienced and I feel totally unloved/unlovable so that’s all I can get and it's all I'm good for anyway." you know the drill. it's heartbreaking and enraging all at once.


jeremiah was out, for a few minutes,
laurie was trying to calm him down, he was full of agony and rage,
every damn lost person in the system forgets that no matter WHAT they do, we still SHARE A BODY and every damn thing they do to hurt it eventually reaches the children.
and jeremiah exists to take that pain away from them and it's entirely a sacrificial role, he cannot cope with the reality of the pain but he takes it on anyway because at least then the children will be safe from it.
god it's awful.
and laurie was trying to help him and the body heal fast, somehow, but she didn't know what to do either, and she looks so hopeless lately, her colors keeps graying out, god we're so scared but the fright is so intense we only feel it as numbness.

we don't feel much anymore, not like this at least

this is a bad night.
I want to just listen to this music.


we used to be able to write music like this
then we started sacrificing ourself for god knows what reason
losing our links
annihilating the
the

you forgot that, didn't you

annihilating any possibility of creation in you
destroying your creative ability through sacrifice, through sabotage,
through letting the liars convince you that "that's all your good for"

letting them kill your children, jewel.

and not in a fcking motherly way either, to hell with that and whoever told you you HAD to be that can go jump in a ditch,
not really, I don't wish anything bad on anybody but I'm so sad and angry,

murdering your leaguechildren.


and jewel just screamed in anguish.


yeah.
you forgot, didn't you.
we forgot, didn't we.

our entire body is a graveyard but it hurt so much after so long we just
turned into a zombie of sorts I guess,
not really alive anymore, not really feeling anything,
as more and more headstones kept appearing, as more and more abysses were dug.


god we cannot handle the weight of that truth.
it would kill us.
facing it is instant suicide.


we want to die,
if that's the truth we want to die, we cannot live like this,

but it is the truth,
but the new cores don't carry that weight,
but the old ones do,
but burying the past doesn't make it disappear,
but we keep switching to abusive alters and perpetuating this hell and WHY

WHY

WHY THE HELL DO ABUSE VICTIMS TRAP THEMSELVES IN THESE CYCLES
WHY THE HELL DO WE FEEL WE DON'T DESERVE ANYTHING BETTER
WHY THE HELL DO WE FEEL THIS IS ALL OUR LIFE IS WORTH
WHY THE HELL DO WE FEEL DAMNED TO JUST RE-LIVING THIS SHIT

why the hell
we feel so damn broken, so damn ruined,
ashen's wretched wail,
"I'm ruined, I'm RUINED,"
that's how we feel.
like we're just… damaged goods now.
like we're not worth anything anymore.
like we should just give up now and live like the trash we are.
like we don't have any other choice because you can't fix something this destroyed.

we feel like garbage.
so we treat ourselves like garbage.

at least, the girls do.
at least, the body-tied fronters do.

the internal people don't

how can
can they stay out all the time?

yes, if we're alone, and NOT IN THE BODY,
and that's the damn problem.

it all boils down to this body.
it's a jail cell. it's a torture chamber.
it's the place of every abusive incident we've ever endured.
it is a living trigger.
within this thing, we live every second in a walking reminder of exactly what horrors it endured, of every memory of it,
it stores ALL that shit,
god what do we do


we want to die.

we don't want this body anymore.
that's all it boils down to


I'm so tired and I want to sleep but
this body is just,
god it feels like we're possessed. it really does.
we can feel the old girls in here like we did as a kid, like the first jewels did,
like the one they
…
like the one they pushed to self-destruction today
she was just trying to take the chance away from them.
"break myself before they break me."
god isn't that a sad, desperate gambit for control over one's fate.

but it happened
and I want to sleep but not with those bitches cackling behind my shoulder
"the body is ours, bitch, look away for one second and it's ours again,"
and I know they could do it,

and laurie is screaming and sobbing at them upstairs,
god I wish we were back in school so we could just dissociate all day and fight inside, fight fight fight, we could live,

it's so so so SAD how the days when we could FEEL anger and fury and hatred,
were the days we were better people.
at least, on this level.
we fought back. we showed no mercy. we were furious. when hackers showed up we took blades to their throats and we killed them as many times as it took. we were soldiers of blood and righteousness but it never… it never felt entirely righteous. there was too much blood.

now we're brighter, softer, better, really… really, in the real way.
but… the catch is it's so hard for us to fight back anymore. because we feel that bloody rage surging up and we're so afraid of what would happen if we surrendered to it again.
what do we do?
what do we do when the enemies are all inside????

god I don't know.
I'm so damn sad. we all are.


…

and I just
opened a window and
saw this post



god I cant take this what do I DO

WHAT DO I DO??????


I'm actually considering the psych ward again of all places, god,
god I'm so terrified, what do I do,

I just want to weep.

I just want to weep.
this poor wretched ugly filthy body is so broken, it never asked to be like this,
it terrifies me when I wonder if we manifest our damage,
if our guardian angel's face changes according to our actions,
it terrifies me that ours has always worn a helmet.

it has beautiful wings,
it's all raging light and amorphous robes and divine staffs and it's hard to even look at straight-on,
but you never see its face, just burning light smoking from the holes, like an incense burner holding a bonfire.
is that good or bad?

I'm so afraid.


we want to treat this body kindly. we try, when we have the nerve.
but it's so hard when… when the bad girls take advantage of that.
we do have good days. we do try. we do try to turn this body into something kinder, into something that's NOT evil,
but,

but at the end of the day there's usually that lingering fear,
"are we ruined forever," "are we eternally broken,"
no matter how many times we go to confession will we ever get this stain off our backs?
will we ever really be free from the shackles of this sin?

the priest told us "god forgives and forgets,"
it was the biggest feeling of freedom ever,

does
does he forgive us now
for
screwing up so bad?

it's so hard to forgive a sin committed with "good intentions"
because then it feels like you're forgiving the goodness
and then I don't know what's right or wrong anymore.
how do you "forgive" someone who fucked up horribly but meant well????
how do you forgive that
I don't understand this yet.

but god does
god can forgive anything
I hope.
god I hope so.
a lot of people told us otherwise, and that haunts us daily.
if we really are broken,
and if that really is true…


…

god I don't know.
I really don't know anymore and I'm terrified and sad and I don't want ANY of us to sin anymoer but she had "good" intentions even if they were busted up horribly and she was trying to do SOMETHING I have no fucking idea,
it's like,
getting a new car and smashing it yourself just so no one else does and kills you in the process,
does that make any sense?
it's twisted and mangled but it's the same motivation as all these lost hacks.



it's all obligatory thought processes and they all belong to that one damned numb social who just smiles at everyone,
it's sick and heart-wreckingly sad to realize that SHE was the faces of most of our social interactions in the past,
she was in that room with q, just smile and nod, smile and nod,
god if we had just spoken up for ourselves we wouldn't have hated him for YEARS for doing something he didn't realize was terrifying, that was too close to abuse, because we NEVER SAID A DAMN THING ABOUT IT TO HIM,
we forgive him, we forgive ner, we forgive all of them, they did nothing wrong, we can't even find a single strike against them anymore, thank god, thank god, it took long enough,
but
but someone remembers the static
and then that numb-face smiler girl comes out again
"well I should do that too"
and there's a paralyzing shrieking terror right beneath her words
but she's blind to it.


that's how we end up in these awful states.
we’ve been pushed too far for too long,
we've heard the same bad things over and over and over for too long.

you spend enough time screaming at mirrors that "you're a goddamned fcking whore" and you start to believe it, you start to become it, because after so long you're convinced it's true, that there's no other option, that being called as such has made you such,
god I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for hating them so much that I made this worse
I just
don’t know how else to express it.

they acted like whores so I called them whores,
I
didn't realize it was keeping them like that.

god it's so stupid, I'm sorry,
what was I supposed to do, call them good people when they were being AWFUL??????

or do I act like jay
and not stand for their shit
but don't hate or hurt them anyway?
what does he do
he tries to talk them into becoming different, into seeing another way
but what if they don't listen!?!
what if they LAUGH at you and SPIT in your face and ATTACK you when your guard is down?

jay says "then get out of there" but is face is strained, he's hurting,
how can you chance an alter that bad?

"change their anchor," laurie says.
redefine whatever they're springing from.
completely rip out their roots without even telling them about it.
rip out their evil roots and plant a different tree, cel says.
you can do that up here.


god, headspace is so beautiful,
I actually want to live when we're up here, when we're in here,


and all of a sudden I feel light,
and the body doesn't hurt and it doesn't even feel like we have a body, we feel like a cloud,
and for a moment I can feel a road stretching onward and onward into a future of pure white light,
and for a moment nothing is broken,


but we can't see through the eyes when we're like that.

we really should just join a monastery at this point or something
the grind of daily life is so spiritually exhausting
but. isn't that the point,
to bring that lightness of being INTO daily life?
so no one has to feel trapped anymore?
you show them a way out, you MAKE a way out, you make a change, you plant the seeds,
you offer hope.
that's the point of us fighting these demons day after day and not dying yet, because in the end we want to be a lantern leading the way out of this certain hell for anyone else struggling in it yet.

that's all.



we need to be kinder to the body even if we don't think it deserves it.
remember flowey. think upon that.
no one is born evil
no one is born broken

and maybe everything can be fixed?

headspace is magic
I'm sure we can find a way guys
I'm sure we can.
me and jay will figure something out, just watch us. I promise.


we can do this.


we'll wake up in the morning and do better.


we'll
we'll forgive and forget too
so we can walk again.


no one deserves to stay down in the dirt.
there's a hand offered to everyone.
that's all I can say.


up here, there are a lot of hands.
that's reason to live enough.





Regret less the knot yes I give you the end to hold
And through darkness and earth wet I seek through the land to mould
A woman that rests night and day, sweat and tears unfold
To undress the burdens that caress the blessed I’m told

(Some thoughts after reading multiplicity posts on Tumblr)

Jay here; when I'm tuned in to headspace, I get "pseudo-sensory" input very clearly as well. Besides sights and sounds, I also get 'phantom' sights and presences; I can always tell when Genesis has showed up in the room, or if someone upstairs has just moved physically closer to me when I'm fronting. It's virtually tangible, to the point where I've started keeping a list of "who feels like what" so I know who those myriad sensations come from. Since its so immersive, there can be significant leakage if it isn't sharply kept inside... but after years of being forced to do that via a survival-mechanism "buffer system," we've become so tired of the suppression that we're now actively trying to dismantle it, just to be able to experience everything without censorship.

In the past, our personal life situation practically required us all to live internally instead of externally whenever possible, so internal sensations are arguably more "real" to me than outer ones are, most days. Plus I do meditate whenever possible so that helps boost my perception, but I tend to end up "lost in headspace" for 2+ hours solid during some meditations, and that can be very tiring. (The perception during those is INTENSE though! I have notable trouble distinguishing those memories from physical ones.)
Meditation also can spike depersonalization when I'm in the body (ironically I only tend to ground "upstairs"), so I have to be careful, as I'm dissociated enough on a daily basis.
Being able to perceive headspace like this is so important and vital to me that, when I lose my perception-- either to meds or psychological fallout-- it's actually existentially frightening.

 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

@ 11:24 am


TRACK 67

(Lynne) All right, I'm, not sure how to start this, but, this is Lynne Stabelle. Uh, Jay, if you're hearing this I simply wanted to leave a message for you on your voice recorder, because I'm fronting. It's Tuesday, after your therapy session, 11:24, in the morning… I know you like having timestamps. Um… Genesis says "move the microphone closer." *laugh* I guess road noise would drown me out. Fronting-- I want to remind you, Jay, I'm fronting right now, and we have currently… have this idea where, when I'm fronting I say, "I am Lynne Stabelle-- my name is Lynne Stabelle, my color is Orange, I have long orange hair, orange eyes, an orange dress… I am female, and a headvoice." And… that-- see, saying "I am female," somebody is, yelling "dysphoria"… but I am! I am a woman… but I am a headvoice as well, so, they don't need to feel threatened by me… but they do. Yes, Genesis said "but they do." And they do, and they shouldn't… but, that's true. So there are people… hiding below the surface… when we front, and that's why it's difficult to anchor. Laurie fronted for most of the session today *laugh*… just reminding you, in case you forget… 'cause she did, I'm proud of her. I should try, that would be fun… I don't-- I'm on the highway, I can't slip. Um, I'm going to hit stop, because, I'd like other people to talk, but, as I said, I'm currently driving your car, we are driving down Interstate 81, behind a… what's that? It's a tanker. Not a truck. It says (unintelligible, trying to sound out something)… whatever it is! *laugh* It's snowing, I got to drive through Scranton for a little bit, which is where I was born… and… I'm going to stop because I am slipping. Uh, *short sigh* Have a good day, Jay, whenever you hear this. I'm really slipping, bye.

 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

@ 06:56 pm


Figured out how to bypass the buffer during therapy-- get me to front, heheh.
I had to shove the A.P. aside to get out but it's cooperative, and I had important things to say. Therefore, progress was made, heck yes.
Feels good to be out though. Haven't fronted in front of other people in over a year, s'far as I can remember.

I swear even the therapist chills out when I'm around, it's awesome.

-LU 


------------------------------------------------------------------------------

@ 11:04 pm


Today has been an absolute roller coaster, so let's fill you in on that before the night is up.

- first let me just say that if you read our recent posts, there was apparently a MAJOR hack on the 4th, concerning Infinitii of all people, that no one mentioned here (jay tried to memory-purge it out of shock). surprisingly laurie is the one who wrote about it, as she rarely gets through to update personally. either way, when we feel capable of reviewing that event, we will write about it here for the sake of personal comprehension (not tonight for sure). clearly, the consequences of it were crushingly significant and painful, and so ignoring it will only harm us all.

- related, jay is trying to figure out his personal memories. he was talking to laurie about it last night and he said that his personal memories seem to pick up NOT immediately post-scratch, but post-lockout. he "cannot remember a time when the undergrounders were not around." we are wondering if this means he was "born" before or after the reset, because in early august he is only aware of things dimly, not as a fronter but a distant observer. we will try to pinpoint this, as he tends to splinter, and we would like to know who we are dealing with, and when, for the sake of everyone's well-being.

- as of last night the other two data voices (besides kalisha) have found their names: isadora and garrison. again, isadora is confirmed sub-violet, but garrison is somewhere between green and blue. we're wondering if he actually fits under teal. jay made an avatar for isadora today, but he "still cannot see garrison," and "can't find kalisha's hair." either way it is good to hear that he is picking them up a little more clearly visually now.

- we had a therapy session this morning, for the first time since before thanksgiving. because of how charged recent events have been, we collectively decided that we needed to breach the big topic at last and start discussing the sexual abuse, for the sake of healing it. HOWEVER with all the progress we've been making over the past several months, we were shocked when we realized that, when it came to finally discussing it, there was nowhere near as much trauma as there was with it even this time last year. this is somewhat ironic, as our triggers are far worse and far more numerous, but we also have enough understanding to not be completely devastated by every one of them. our recovery time is better.

- the a.p. fronted for a good part of therapy, saying that since no one held the actual abuse memories (that we were aware of), it was "stored as data" so it was the person to come out and simply recite it. the therapist kept asking "what do you think," etc., and the a.p. was literally incapable of asking those questions, it kept looking to us for replies. it did admit who it was at one point and the therapist said she figured that's who was talking.
- knife attempted to front, but struggled spectacularly with language so he had to pull out as it was forcing him to slip badly. jayce also tried to, but he has no understanding of that data so he left. it went back to the a.p. for a while but then the therapist said something about "choosing to be asexual," as opposed to being so naturally, and who forced their way out to talk but laurie.
- so yeah laurie fronted for about 15 minutes? which was awesome. she helped clarify a lot of things, gave insight into the situation upstairs, etc. incredibly productive thanks to her explaining it firsthand, as she works with jay and sees what he goes through. she mentioned the sex/affection conflict due to pink corruption, the perspectives we now had with the truth of that (mostly thanks to infi), and her previous no-vulnerability problem. she also made it clear that many triggers were "innocuous" on the outside, and yet still lethal internally, which was a huge problem.
- hilariously at the end, the therapist said she was okay with profanity, just "don't flip any tables." laurie laughed and said she wouldn't be taking an axe to the furniture, don't worry. the therapist responded amusedly that pillow-throwing was allowed but that was about it. unfortunately laurie says she was slipping badly at that point so there was no further banter, which is a shame because that's great stuff
- genesis was lounging on the couch this whole time we'd like to note, it was also snowing outside which was very reassuring

- driving home was a mess thanks to all the session switching. laurie let jay back in, so he tried to drive at first, but couldn’t get a grip. mulberry took over for a minute, but since she's never driven before she got confused and had to leave. so the trip home is actually largely missing from the memory-- which is a first-- because no one was out for most of it. thankfully genesis stuck around so there were not any accidents as he was keeping things under control from outside as he always does.
- lynne fronted for a little while once we hit the main city, she has one very clear memory of a certain street and the snow. she also left a message on the voice recorder saying hello to jay, which took him by surprise when he got home. notably, she mentioned that when fronting, if she clearly said "I am Lynne Stabelle, my color is Orange," etc. and described herself, it helped her anchor in better, as it strengthened her energy overlay. everyone has problems with dysphoria because there is a negative voice anchored to the body itself, and so having attention brought to it tends to catch the attention of said voice, who tries to shove everyone else out in anger. we are wondering if there is any way to change this, even if it involves getting the a.p. to adopt a body-resembling face temporarily to bring attention to it instead.
-after that genesis called javier in, as he's considered our "grounding voice" and so gen assumed he'd be able to front. he showed up, but although he could drive and stay in no problem, he couldn't really see? even after he focused in energetically, nothing was registering visually. so there's really no memory transferred from him, although there is clear data that he was out for the vast majority of the drive from that point on.

- the evening is a blur for one huge reason: somewhere around noon, julie slipped. she fronted, and caused a hack. however that terminology doesn't quite fit-- because she was responsible for it personally, and infinitii was also involved. the latter point is why it doesn't strictly qualify as a hack; infinitii prevented her from becoming lost in any tar or plague, even if he didn't prevent the actual situation. however, despite the jarring consequences of that being allowed to happen, it DID have a positive aftereffect in that it allowed Julie to gain a complete perspective of her own motivations, which she never had before, due to not having a key piece of the puzzle, so to speak. (this is almost identical to jay's situation, and shows that the both of them were used similarly by the tar.) unfortunately, despite this vital lesson, julie was still emotionally devastated and existentially tired, and surprisingly she actually went to sleep, saying she wanted "someone else to take over" when she woke up, as she didn't want to deal with waking life anymore at that time. she slept for at least 3 hours and there is data of suffering a dream hack, which is not surprising. julie TRIED to fight it off-- again noteworthy as those usually catch jay when he is incapacitated but julie was not-- but failed. whether this was due to despair or being overpowered we do not know.
- also, remember that after the meltdown on the 5th, atonement has been FORBIDDEN until better methods are found. so this incident was more harmful than usual as a result.

- upon waking we do not know who took over. data picks up with jay in the kitchen, talking to julie, laurie, and infi upstairs. julie explained how she had been affected, laurie tried to comfort jay as he was badly shaken by the fact of the situation (we all share a body but he's the core so he feels the worst of it whether he likes it or not), and infinitii helped everyone from falling into despair concerning that. therapy talk came up again, jay said he was actually angry about the abuse topic as he didn't want to admit that he had been a victim of that in the past. laurie said he had to though, and also stop seeing sexuality as "always evil" as a result, as it wasn't, it was neutral. she and jay reviewed his perspective on this briefly, but jay concluded with admitting that he could no longer view reproduction as "evil," ever, because even if the act could be used traumatically, its function stayed the same-- life creation. and that gave him hope, that it had a neutral core that was still purely benevolent. but even then the only thing that kept him from giving in to hatred was the fact that infinitii was technically xenophon's mother in that respect, the only positive figure of that sort that he'd ever known. and since he loved both infi and his stepdaughter so much, and realized that her creation via sexuality had NOT been evil or traumatic, he couldn't universally generalize anymore. and that was actually helping him let go of the trauma, as previously he was convinced he had suffered an "irredeemable wrong" and was therefore equally corrupted permanently by it, which was false but he believed it entirely.
- side note, julie said she wanted to "date infi" if that was okay, because she had a better grip on her own thought processes now, thanks to him allowing her to directly realize that she didn't have to be ruled by "compulsory" lust, as she was for a long time, as there were other things she now understood and wanted more than that (mainly intimacy, which she actually avoided for most of her life). jay laughed and said that was fine, infi could "date" everyone in headspace and it wouldn't bother him, besides that was infi's choice. infinitii said he was fine with it too, besides by his function he pretty much loved everyone in headspace already.

- the rest of the evening is a total blur, up until around 8-9pm? all we know is that jay was in his room, and got trapped in a negative mindscape where he was effectively being sold as a prostitute against his will. this obviously proved to be a hack, as he tried to escape and the JMB trio jumped on him, along with the tar ITSELF. we don’t know details of this, all jay said is that he called for infi, but bridget clamped a hand over his mouth and told him to shut up, they wouldn't let anyone save him. nevertheless jay kept trying and infi did manage to "break through" to save him literally at the last minute, dragging him upstairs. he got laurie to help him help jay recuperate, but jay was deeply shaken and completely disoriented.
- major trigger warning here, for system people too… this got much worse when jay suddenly realized that the body was actually bleeding as a result of the abuse. this triggered one of the FIRST abuse memories on record, and since jay was incapable of handling that he dissociated entirely and began sobbing from shock. laurie immediately said "I'll bloody kill them" and told infi to send her back there, but he said no, it was too dangerous alone. so laurie went to "get backup," and soon returned with sugar and algorith.
- almost instantly after the trauma memories hit though, people started switching in and out in the body-- cannon was in for a moment, caught between hysteric rage and suicidal anguish, but she got pushed out by a numb fronter. and this kept happening. jeremiah, sugar, algorith, and even laurie herself ALL tried to front to try and keep things from unraveling, but some deeply-rooted numb person kept shoving them all out. sure enough it was the "dead red" boy who we first pinpointed this spring. laurie tried to talk to him but he proved incapable of reacting to anything, even "shake your head for yes or no." he would hear but have no impetus to move at all, being that detached.
- importantly, when jeremiah fronted, he began sobbing that he couldn’t be in that body, "please get me out." but before he did he got the data that it was bleeding, and he immediately shouted for knife. knife ran to respond, but when he realized that the body was bleeding from trauma, he was shaken. how in the world could the retributors atone for this, if the blood itself had been used for evil? no one knew what to do, they were terrified.
- anyway infi was still trying to calm jay down but he was freaking out, understandably so. he was again convinced that he had been "broken beyond all hope of healing" but was still trying to purge all awareness of the event from his memory, traumatized by the reality of it. laurie was still righteously pissed and demanded that infi take them back to wherever they had just saved jay from, as she refused to let that go unpunished. infi said he would, but only if he was sure jay would be safe alone. who would they leave to watch over him? however before they could make a decision, there was a sound from outside and we realized the mother was home. immediately the angry downstairs voice jumped into fronting, screaming with rage, saying "I refuse to deal with that bitch on top of everything else!!" laurie tried to explain that they were trying to cope with a rape situation upstairs, don't go shoving that aside, but that voice said "I'm upset about that too but I can't get confused or I'll fracture." either way they decided to isolate themselves in our room, so that is where they went.

- this is where most of the night went. infi and the three protectors went to fight the tar, while the angry downstairs voice went to our room to try and calm down. however, they became exasperated and shortly left, leaving jay behind alone. now jay did not detach entirely, and he was very scared, from not only pain but also from being alone all of a sudden. desperate for contact he took an old sketchbook and wrote a message on a page, asking for someone to please talk to him, he didn't want to feel so isolated when he was that terrified. surprisingly, the only response he got was "NO," written by the dead red voice. but this proved to be only the beginning, as jay kept trying to talk, and when laurie got back, she joined in… as did the angry voice from before. and so there are literally EIGHTEEN PAGES of text in the sketchbook that will need to be scanned in tomorrow. I apologize for the odd sentence structure of that paragraph but seriously that is SURREAL to notice on your desk in the evening! it hasn't been read yet but as it is 12:34 in the morning that is not a job for tonight.

- that’s it for today I guess. this is jayce, hiya, just popping in to close this up, laurie just caught me and is motioning for me to "get outta there." uh she also said the rapists took my hat?? what?? the tar people literally took my hat for some reason. well that's got me mad. I'm gonna leave, I want to find out why.

- Hey readers, Laurie here. I hope the AP covered everything 'cause I am not going back and reviewing that text wall on top of how much I already had to do this evening.
Jay's a mess right now, but at least he's not sobbing his eyes out like Infi was the other day (What a heart-crushing parallel that is). He's… fragmented, is all. He breaks into all these tiny pieces when he gets hurt, pieces that don't remember anything and can't interact with the world outside. It's a coping mechanism and it doesn't work at all in the big picture because then he gets stuck in those states and then no one knows who they're talking to. It’s a pain in the neck, as I said earlier.
But I gotta go talk to him before he goes to work. His boss is probably gonna wonder what the heck happened, I hate to be the bearer of bad news but maybe he can help, I don't even know. I'm just ticked off and tired of what's been happening lately. I know December is the resurrection month but man I wish it didn't drag zombies out into the open as well.
Still, I've got a job to do, and that is punching those zombies in the face. Wait, no, that's Algorith's thing now. But you get the picture.
I'm closing this up for the night. Sorry for all the depressing stuff, but the awfully ironic silver lining in this is that it's forced us all to work together a little more closely now. Isn't that just hilarious? In a morbid way, obviously. Trauma forces us to be a family. Geez. I wish we didn't need that to feel so strongly brought together, because I'm telling you, I am sick of it.
Like I said though. I've got a sick and scared boy to take care of, and a reality-hopping nightcapped dude here to explain stuff to. See you later.

  

 

Stream-of-consciousness entry for today as a LOT happened, since we were out of the house.

- shopping day, started out hilariously. we ended up talking about those "novi stars" dolls some young social got obsessed with the other day, I said I did love vera tabray's design, but the fashion-centered personality she apparently had didn't sit well with me? laurie asked me to explain that, but as I did, she retorted every line with a totally different perspective that made me realize I was actually being very judgmental, and kind of shallow; who cares if vera loved fashion, that was her choice, and it didn't make her (or anyone else) less of a person. that was humbling, I sincerely apologized, i didn't realize i was doing that. laurie said to be careful and not judge people just because I couldn't understand them from my own immediate viewpoint; if that happened again, she said, go and tell her about it and she'd help open my eyes, as she always did. but yeah, the reason that worked is because vera is a very fashion-conscious alien, but I forgot that laurie unironically thinks fashion is awesome. she said jo got her to appreciate it at first, but only he is actually interested in buying stuff-- laurie only likes the aesthetics, and actually has a great eye for it. anyway we then called jo in to continue the line of thought, jo got really excited about the dolls (he said they were super adorable), said he'd love to have one if he could find one he resonated with. I know at some point waldorf snuck in to see what jo was up to, she started teasing him about mlp ponies again (she wants him to get one to match hers), really we were all cracking up at this point. the funniest bit to me was that I had the novi stars jingle stuck in my head, jo started trying to hum it, laurie said she was going to figure out the words specifically to troll me with it.

- we had to stop at several places today, for price checks, groceries, and the like, so we had to manage our time very carefully. genesis was hanging out with me in the car, because I refused to put music on as I knew it would make me dissociate. I know we stopped at the local walmart first, because we walked down the toiletries aisle and I saw a sign that said "razors." well sure enough, razor tried to front, asking "why are they selling razors here?" mulberry and knife tried to explain that some humans used them to cut hair on their face, but razor was baffled by that because all the scruffy-faced men upstairs don't shave, and why would you use a razor to cut hair anyway? so that was rather amusing.

- about an hour later, we were stopping in another wal-mart for a price comparison, but we were getting VERY switchy due to the typical overload of being in public places (honestly we can't stay out for more than 3 hours or we become incapable of functioning). so whoever was fronting decided to call JAVIER to front, as he is awesome at grounding. so we managed to quickly find him and he took over for a bit. for a second he didn't know what he was doing-- there's an image flash of him standing in an aisle and saying "I literally have no idea what this stuff is even for"-- but immediately "george" spoke up and gave him the gist of things, telling him to just follow his lead as far as directions went. I don't know how long javier fronted, due to the instability of my own awareness at the time, but he had no trouble anchoring into the body and actually bypassed the lightheadedness for a while, which I am glad to see.

-looking back on that event, I've realized that the "logic voice trio" has a very interesting job; they tend to "watch out" for whoever is currently fronting, and when there's fast switching or confusion as to what we're supposed to be doing, they will give data and guidance to prevent total disaster. that's actually an incredibly helpful thing for us to have going on, in light of how troublesome switching would otherwise be for everyone!

- oh yeah, we had to stop at a toys r' us to check those novi stars for jo-- he even tried to front for a bit, but he wanted to look at everything and it was getting disorienting. hilariously, they had a nita light doll there, the first time we'd seen that one-- and not only did she glow in the dark, but she also had this brilliant purple hair. I laughed and showed laurie, she looked at it for a second, then said "that is fucking awesome, now you're making me want one." jo thought this was hilarious, started teasing her about it, but laurie said she was serious, that was really cute, too bad it was exorbitantly expensive. jo then asked me to show him some of the monster high dolls, as he was interested in what they looked like, and then waldorf insisted we look at the mlp aisle. laurie said we were wasting time now as we couldn't buy this stuff anyway, but really we were just having fun and couldn't actually get angry about any of it.

- there was one instant I remember when we were in a kmart (still switchy so it's blurry); some ad came on the speakers where a kid said "hi, I'm david," and instantly david spoke up from inside, saying "that's not what I sound like," very confused. knife reassured him and said it was another little boy named david, not to worry. I also remember that, when I left the store, I remembered that the Undergrounders love the view from the parking lot (seriously it's at a high point so from up there, you can see the surrounding local cities all around you in the hills), so I impulsively jumped up on the back bumper of the van and hung on with one arm, laughing as I looked out at the mountains from that extra bit of height, sending them the imagery. it was an instant of spontaneity that is extremely rare for us (thanks to having that darn buffer always going), and it felt pretty brilliant actually.

- after that we stopped at the health food store; we bought more gingers for celebi, as well as colored tea candles for the other Centralites-- except Waldorf, as they had no blue ones in stock. She said that was okay, but Jo got really sad about that, and I peripherally saw him hug her sincerely in response. I also got some peppermints for myself because I am addicted to minty things, when we walked outside genesis goaded me to try one on the spot, I did and they were great. gen impatiently asked if they were worth getting, I jokingly said "this is the best decision I've made in weeks," he laughed at that too.

- my last major stop was the local farmer's market, for whatever reason there's a quick flash that knife apparently tried to drive on the road down there? but he was getting confused by the road signs, and was paranoid about whether or not he could work the gas pedal correctly? so he didn't stay for long. anyway at the market I bought seven squashes, a big head of lettuce, and a basket of beets, they actually asked me if I was buying for a restaurant. I laughed and said no, I just have a limited diet so I tend to stock up on vegetables. seriously that was super funny to me. also, celebi drove for a bit on the way out, I have one memory flash of her sassily telling genesis "I know how to drive" and munching on one of her gingers. genesis asked "aren't you like twelve" to which she said driving was super easy, anyway the ap took care of most of it, but she "missed flying."

- I was in the mall for a few minutes, I know that because we walked past the same lingerie section julie had drooled over back when she was still on our side, genesis and I both said we wished she hadn't gone bad again. jo pushed us into a hot topic for a minute, but he didn't see anything he liked. amusingly as soon as he said that, genesis literally shoved me out of the store, well as 'literally' as he can when he can't make actual physical contact, but he tried! he knows I tend to get all trance-y and lose time, so he didn't want that happening in there when we really just needed to get home and calm down at this point. however the mall had its big christmas tree up in the middle, gen wanted to go see it, so we walked over and admired it for a bit. I pointed to a corner store and said that last night, I had suddenly remembered that there was a store there in my youth called "natural wonders," and it was really gorgeous; it had a huge impact on me as a kid but I had literally forgotten about it until now. genesis said he remembered me telling him about it ages ago, but it was cool that I was able to remember it again now, too. genesis did try to "race me" up a ramp on the way back, I joked that I didn't want the mall cops asking me what I was doing, because if I tried to explain that I was racing him they'd "toss me in the loony bin." genesis cracked up, said "a true friend goes to the loony bin with you!" I retorted that it'd be his fault we were in it, but he shrugged and said "still; it'd be worth it for the racing." either way it was hilarious.

- I randomly stopped at a grocery store on the way home, as I'd never been there before and wanted to see what they had. but in one aisle there was a random stand full of beanie babies, one of them was a "2008 holiday bear," but its hat(?) had been torn off, leaving nothing but strings sticking out of it, so it just looked like a plain disheveled brown bear now. surprisingly-- or not-- as soon as I went to turn away, minty jumped in, said she wanted to save it. I said we couldn't save every bear ever, but she was making puppy dog eyes at me, said it looked sad and hurt, and she could use it as a messenger, it would be happy if it was important instead of abandoned. I considered this-- I'm a softie when it comes to the requests of system members-- but genesis spoke up and told her no, we didn't have the money to spare. minty pouted, but gen ushered me out before I gave in.

- I am vaguely aware that both zwei and einsatz fronted on the way home? zwei was trying to sing but got miffed as there were no songs on with lyrics she knew. she was talking to genesis but I don't know about what. however, then "woohoo (fkj remix)" came on and she said her brother would love it, so she switched out and let einsatz in. genesis was trying to tell them not to switch while driving, especially since einsatz tends to get lost in the music like I do. what stands out about this is that einsatz seemed unable to talk unless he was lip-syncing lyrics? he kept trying to apologize to genesis but didn't know how, was grasping for sign language but we have no data for that so he was trying to at least give the impression. genesis was surprised, asked if he was mute? einsatz shrugged, he didn't seem sure either, but he made it apparent that he wasn't able to converse like his sister. either way he checked out after a minute or two and I know for a fact that jayce took over, as we had one more grocery store to stop at for an errand. I know he was talking to the logic voices in the store, but when he's out memory is hard for me to access so I can't really tell you what else he did.

- unfortunately, when we got home the mother was there, and as a result we weren't able to unwind thanks to the massive stress and noise she brings with her. so the entire evening is a total nauseous blur, sorry about that.

- memory picks up at… 8pm? 5 hours after we got home, mind. literally, all I know is that we were in the bedroom, and suddenly sugar was fronting, screaming and swearing "don't you fucking dare" at some unknown offender. then she called knife, he asked what was wrong? she said we were almost hacked (WHAT), then stormed into the kitchen and started digging on top of the refrigerator for matches. knife worriedly warned her to be careful, what if someone caught her fronting, she couldn't blow our cover or we'd be in major danger. sugar said she didn't care, she was pissed off, and if anyone bothered her she'd answer them honestly. (the mother did try to talk to her, but she refused to respond to the birth name; she walked into the bathroom and nearly started crying, "why does everyone call us THAT name," as it's tied to a very negative individual upstairs.) anyway she took four matchbooks into the bedroom, sat down, said she was going to light the colored candles we bought, to try and re-focus everyone's energy. so she started cutting the plastic off them, carefully-- knife said it was an "honor" to do so as the candles belonged to Central, sugar said she knew-- but when she reached the orange one, she stopped, said she was afraid because that was tied to sexuality. knife said he was afraid of it too, but if it was somehow linked to lynne, he had faith she would manage it safely, without anyone getting hurt. still she didn't want to unwrap it, let alone burn it.

- there's a very strong memory of this next part due to the data involved, so let me write down as much as I can. ultimately, sugar lit the 3 lower color candles (not the violet one; no one wanted to mess with laurie's color without a major reason to), then just sat there to meditate by them-- but she stopped almost immediately, looking shocked, said there was something being triggered by the candles? well, immediately the logic-alter trio spoke up, asked what exactly was triggering it, maybe they could find the memory, or at least open the archives so memories were accessible? so sugar moved above the candles again, eyes closed, catching the heat and light, but she couldn't tell what it was. still, she said it was specifically the heat on her face that felt familiar. so the logics were trying to find a match, told her to do it again-- and the memory flash she then picked up was that of the madrigal dinners from when I was a child. she had no idea what it was save for the name and the fact that it happened in winter, then she paused and suddenly exclaimed "it's fire and ice!" she then tied it to me, said maybe that's why I felt tied to both those elements without conflict, as they both felt like they had strong roots in this old, protective memory? knife seemed intrigued too, he said maybe so. sugar asked if he wanted to see the memory for himself, so he tuned into the memory too, but he got a stronger one-- the memory of holding a small lit white candle in the hands, everyone singing christmas carols, surrounded by warm firelight and shadow and community. it was just a snapshot, but knife actually started tearing up a bit, said "that is beautiful." he asked mulberry if she wanted to see, she said sure. but when she tried to catch the memory, she instead got a memory of when I used to be an altar server, and lit the altar candles in the back room, I think? they were shocked, how many memories were tied to the sensation of flame? knife asked david if he wanted to see what it was like, so he fronted, but instantly someone outside the room made a loud banging noise, scared him out of fronting, he started to cry. knife hugged him and said it was okay, he was safe, that wouldn't hurt him. jeremiah held david's hand for support as he fronted again, he got a different memory too, I think it was another church one? either way someone got the christmas mass image, with all those tiny candle lights illuminating the building. whatever david saw, he calmed down and said it felt "warm and safe," sugar said she had felt that too, it was pretty amazing. then david told marigold to look at it too, she was really panicky and scared, didn't want to get burnt, was actually crying in a hiccupy way when she fronted. the others told her to try talking in the body, to say her name, maybe that would help her anchor in and, but she shook her head as she said that would be scary. so jeremiah held her hand too and david gave her support, and she cautiously moved over to the candles too. again, she got a different memory: surprisingly, the memory of picnics in the local state part, above the fire pits, with the burning charcoal under the grates. she described it as a "metal box with lines in it," outside. it took the logic people a few moments to figure out what it was, but when they got it, everyone was even more amazed. marigold and david asked if they could go there on a picnic, it seemed nice. knife said it was winter now so they couldn't; the only memories they had of that were in summer. but if it was open in the winter, maybe they could try. the last person to front in this was jeremiah, honestly that's moving to look back on-- he immediately got really bad body dysphoria, started getting a panic attack, knife had to talk him through it. then jeremiah kept feeling his face where his beard would be, trying to ground, it did help. but when he moved into the flame, the memory he got was all votive candles, in the basement of the local basilica. and honestly I can't tell you what the reaction was to that, because the next thing I can see is jeremiah cupping his hands around all three candles, tearing up and whispering that the memories were beautiful. but then he actually spoke, his voice breaking, and asked knife if he could pick up the red candle. knife said yes, as long as he was careful. so he did, holding it front of his face, but then he kept trying to touch the flame. knife said he would burn himself, but jeremiah was determined to (although he didn't succeed, either in touching it or getting hurt). either way he said something to the effect of "the flame is so protective, but it still burns." it was just fascination at how it could hold such strong memories of safety and warmth, and still hurt you if you got too close to it. I get the strong impression that he was thinking a lot about javier with this but I cannot tell you anything for sure. oh, I do know that they all picked up on the scent of the red candle then-- all cloves and spice-- and sugar exclaimed that somehow it smelled like christmas. I was aware enough now to step in and confirm that, they asked why? and why was christmas in general such a significant time for everyone upstairs? I said that there was just a lot of spices around christmas that smelled like that, and christmas was a pain-free holiday for me, so that candle held one of the safest scents in the world to me as a result. then I kind of nodded to jeremiah and said that oddly that spiciness did match javier somehow. which was really cool. unfortunately I think someone walked in the room then because the memory cuts off and now it's 1am, whoa what

- I have this weird impression that sherlock fronted for a minute today, at the request of the other data vocies? I think it was with the candles. they needed to find some info and couldn't find it, so they called him in to do so, and he was able to easily. either way, good to see him again, he hasn't been out in a while (due to his bad habit of lording over our therapy sessions; dude I know you like talking shop but we all need to participate in those!).

- oh wait, no, there IS one flash from around 10:30? it's surprising too-- the body is standing at the kitchen table, but SPICE is fronting, making mint tea, breathing that in to calm herself down. and what do you know, minty popped in upstairs, said "that's my favorite tea you know," spice said she did know, she hoped it would help her sleep. minty smiled at the reference, and asked who she was. spice tiredly introduced herself, said she was only fronting because the body was in a lot of pain after whatever we ate earlier, and her job was to take that away from people, but it was depressing. minty looked sad, said she hoped it didn't hurt bad. spice said she could deal with it. then minty paused, said "hey, we both have names of spicy stuff," then added that she had decided they were now friends-- and spice could talk to her whenever she wanted to, if she needed a friend or some support when she was tired or lonely. spice genuinely smiled at that, and thanked her.

- there is also one flash from heaven knows when, of minty underground and THIS FREAKIN' BEAR BEHIND HER. I think he was talking to jayce (who did front for a significant amount of time this evening apparently, but I don't know for what reason), either way the bear was briefly explaining the odd teddy-messenger system he has going on, said it was important? but he was being cryptic, and whoever was talking didn't continue the conversation, so I have no idea what the deal was there. minty said something about a "teddy bear picnic" but she was apparently just referencing something she had heard, and hoped would be fun. still, finally, confirmation that the bear DOES exist!

-lastly TODAY WAS NATHANIEL'S BIRTHDAY! I would have done something for him, but when I peeked upstairs to wish him well, I realized that he was spending the day with leon, so I smiled and let them be. I'm not surprised though; they really love each other, and nat has died so many times that the fact that he still has a 'birthday' to celebrate probably means more to him as a celebration of life than it does to the rest of is. either way happy birthday bro. I remember a time when we all wondered if we'd ever get to see you again, so having you back with us now, happier than ever, really means a lot. may you have many many more years to celebrate!