the spectrum heart cathedral system

very disjointed entry, i apologize. today's been all over the place BUT it's been a good day, don't worry.
just no mental coherence to put something solid together. i will edit this later, god willing, to that end.

woke up before my alarm, around 10am?
got a text message saying our CHRISTMAS TREE was being shipped today, went into the living room to open the blinds and literally the fedex truck pulled in. i ran downstairs in pajamas to bring the box upstairs, haha. it was a pretty great way to start the day tbh, immediately told xenophon, she had SUCH sparkly eyes over it. promised we'd at least set it up halfway later.
had to move stuff around the apartment first though! moved notebook shelf back into room (it was in the living room when we were doing partial, but since we quit, it feels better in the bedroom where our creative laptop is). moved the tv a bit closer to the wall so we can put the tree between our workdesk and the altar. it'll be right in the mirrors that way, all lit-up and constantly visible as we work.

realized it was getting late, had to start breakfast. put the tea on as we washed up as always. dizzy though, from last night. i remember being kind of floored when we were washing our hair, realizing "geez wow i guess God DID get us through the night." like i half-expected to die.

mom called right after we washed our hair and went into the kitchen to start the eggs? had to run and grab the phone, juggling it with one hand. ended up breaking one of the eggs-- the biggest one, too-- by dropping it too fast into the hot water. this was somehow super upsetting? "thought distortion" like it would ruin the whole day; "starting another chain of bad events." after last night couldn't take the "threat" of that again. started crying a bit honestly. told mom, she said she was sorry, i said it wasn't her fault, i was just trying to do too much at once.
everyone tried to comfort me, haha. mainly xennie and laurie of course. it did help. actually i switched out; someone ELSE was there crying?? i remember this because i was trying to comfort them, too, at one point when i managed to get a foothold in consciousness again.
unfortunately the egg was a lost cause, haha. totally bled out into the pot. this actually triggered the binge-girl voice from last night??? the panicky scared one. ALSO feeling shadows of The Destroyer. basically she saw this poor "ruined egg" and the instinct was to eat it TO "redeem AND destroy it"??? like throwing it out would have been the ultimate heartless violence towards this egg. and she had to at least "try" to eat it, to "respect" it and give it that "recognition" before it died???? really weird personification. but it KEEPS happening. the binge-kids ALWAYS go after broken, deformed, ruined, etc. food for that reason. like it's not even about "eating," it's this psychological coping of sorts? definitely need to type about that more, if we haven't already. but not now. brain can't go too in-depth with that now.
anyway she chewed it up and spit it out. someone yelled at her to, knowing that if she did eat it, the "eating" OF a "ruined food" would TRIGGER A PANIC BINGE for the purpose of purging. THAT sort of behavior is very abuse-rooted. but the girl "put the egg to rest" and actually apologized profusely to it and at some point after that, i remember i came back because i was asking xenophon which carrot she wanted to pick for us to eat with breakfast (gotta get that vitamin a dude).


scalpel was around!
julie randomly called him in to smell the cherry blossom tea? which is kind of adorable. he did, and said it definitely smelled "pink" but not like her? scalpel & i surmised that her vibe-scent would be more like cherry blossom flowers, not the cherry fruit, somehow. but more floral for sure. (fruit leans more magenta.) but we also agreed that the tea "vibe" was more like knife. somehow! (we think it's the "bitter" iron-y edge of the green tea (like blood) offset by the sweeter cherry notes (pink). it's fascinating honestly) so they called him in too, he was very confused but even moreso as julie immediately stuck the teabox under his nose, haha. then he sheepishly agreed with us, haha. seriously i don't know what's with that man's vibe; apparently he smells like cherry blossom green tea AND woodsmoke. weirdly that makes sense but God only knows why. i love that dude though. gotta spend more time with him.

oh. biggest event of the day.
LYNNE IS BACK.
we were all just chatting over breakfast as usual and i noticed that laurie HAS been just "commenting" on everything? like she's trying to entertain people and keep everyone in a decent mood. i thought, "that's not her job; it's like SHE'S in social mode too."
then realized she took on lynne's job. actually she's been taking on EVERYONE'S JOB in central ever since everyone else DIED in north carolina. she was the only one left for SO long... the only one who couldn't stay dead because her soul is so close to mine and we're both like... anchors to the spectrum itself at this point. red and violet. the two that hold the rainbow. geez. i guess it really is deeper than i realized.
still... laurie isn't meant to hold that many roles. NO ONE IS. and yet, here she is trying, i think largely out of grief. that's tragic and touching both. laurie is literally trying to hold the fort all by herself, for everyone else's sake, knowing that these things need to be done, and not wanting to dishonor anyone's memories either. but she can't do it by herself. it's impossible. it's killing her to do this, mangling her function beyond recognition. nousfoni have to have hyperspecific functions and colors or they start to bleed, as it were, and they just... die. it's honestly terrifying. it's like mixing paint colors. in the end you're just going to get a mess. you can't de-mix them-- well, possibly with chaos theory and fluid dynamics you can, but uh... i don't know enough about theoretical physics and headspace has its own laws anyway. still. i had to mention that because there is a certain someone who just defies all odds and if anyone could potentially help with that... i'm sure he could.
anyway. i didn't think about that this morning, that's a "now" surmising. earlier, all i thought was, "i have to do something about this." and i knew i could. i still hold white in my heart, too-- i'm still prismatic at the core, i'm supposed to be, and so i'm closer to the heart of the spectrum than anyone else. i'm tied to everyone else's soul in here. that includes all the ones that we can't find yet.
except people start to ping BEFORE you can "find" them. and i've been catching echoes of a certain dressy cellist for a while now.
so. i straight up marched into blackspace where i have felt lynne's soul in "potential" for months, reached out to her, and pulled her out.

for a second she just looked at me, blinking, her color cycling rapidly.

she walked into front-headspace (where everyone watches the front) and just said "hey" i think. just a brief greeting from the doorway. choked up, still barely comprehending the fact that she was back.
laurie froze, turned, took one incredulous look at her, then ran over and hugged her so tightly. she was actually in tears.
julie ran over too and joined the hug, it was really sweet.
lynne asked laurie if she was crying? laurie said yeah, mentioning she's gotten "a lot more emotional" since the system crash. but she "doesn't regret it."
they talked for a bit, those three. lynne jokingly saying "we're the old girls," laurie saying that gender was highly debatable with her & julie, lynne teasing laurie about being "16" temporally and the old moralimon joke that "that's as old as anyone ever gets." then laurie mentioning "wait isn't julie like 20 in realtime???" and everyone basically agreeing yeah, i guess we are all pretty old.
but it was so sweet, like heartachingly so, to see them all talking. there was such a tangible sense of relief, like breathing again after having been trapped in a room with no air for like... weeks. months. years. finally feeling pieces of our collective soul waking back up, living again, colors lighting up for the first time in too long.

lynne stopped dead at one point, exclaimed "the spectrum ring!!" as in the OLD one at the cathedral?? and she said we needed to go there; she needed to "anchor in" to her hue.
but no one was sure where the cathedral was now? or how to get there?
i barely had time to half-ping him when LEON showed up, asked "did someone say you needed transportation?"
aah i miss him too, i love leon he's amazing. he's getting so brave, too. i think sadly part of it is from being alone, just him and laurie were around for a while after the crash i think. before they even got a hold of julie again. still i'm so fond of him, i'm so glad he was able and willing to show up so readily.
he was still a bit nervous, but obviously determined, and in one big rush of indigo energy (and snowflakes??) he warped us up there. because yes it feels up. and it was a HEAVY SHIFT. like this wasn't a simple spatial movement; this was like... a level jump? where is the cathedral now, in floatspace??? geez i don't even know. i haven't visited it in years either, probably. i'll need to do a hardcore legit meditation session and go find it.

the place is unsteady. inside shifting, colors too. very unstable. i said so; someone looked at me and replied "so is your heart". i think it was actually chaos 0. he tells it like it is. and no one would know my heart better than him.
still. it hit hard. if the cathedral is supposed to be an architectural manifestation of my heart, a place based on me, what does it say that it is so nebulous even now?
like i said. gotta do some self-reflection and meditation, even by myself. feel who i am. go fix the cathedral. that's actually top priority, to be honest.
man i remember when i first "found" it, during that meditation at the spiritual expo, at the table with that one purple-colored saint? and it was all red and white, the "blood lotus cathedral," on that dark beach with the red sky and everything felt so apocalyptic. and the razor spire, geez i remember that. and the mirror oasis. and the angel helmet.
...man i need to go back and re-read that entry log. but so much has changed, in both me and the cathedral. i'm not even sure of its name, now. i've been "thinking of" names but honestly its true name can't be guessed at. just like me. it has to be discovered. it has to be encountered. i need to go there, consciously and with an open heart, with an honest and pure purpose.
i'll make a note of it. maybe i'll try tomorrow. maybe when it snows next. i'll have to be in the right state of mind. we'll work on it, i promise.

anyway. we did go there. as shaky as it was, it knew why we were there, and the floor displayed the OLD SPECTRUM MAP, the loop that looked like the sefirot, from back when we tried to map it in like 2015 or so. (why is it still showing THAT map??? is it because we HAVEN'T mapped it since?? and there are SO MANY NEW HUES... geez maybe THAT'S why it's unstable. we can't visualize it yet. I haven't put the order down yet. and only i can. that's my whole job, is working as the "crystallizer" here, getting all the blackspace into whitespace and then blooming it into a spectrum. potential and possibility turned into something genuine and tangible, made part of the system, and then elaborated. how do i even phrase that. it's why i CAN'T be "just white." i have to be prismatic. nevertheless there's too much to that to type about now. let me focus on the morning events.
lynne tried to step into the loop but it moved?? i mentioned something like "this place doesn't feel enough like me" and mentally tried to make it all look more like the national shrine basilica. loop moved to a baldachin canopy altar, kind of a poetic illustration of the essence of the spectrum map, that "self-sacrifice" for the sake of love and for the sake of others. really hit home just how much devotion goes into centralite existence.
BUT lynne is currently unable to "covenant" with a color?? perceived phrasing was notable. it was too huge of a dedication to make that quickly. apparently lynne has been so color-shifted over the years that the "system voice" (which is basically just God) told her that she needed to first take time to "feel that out," to get to know herself in truth, as she is NOW, and where she truly fit-- after all, the "guardian" of a hue is just that! whichever one she anchored into, she would be the MAIN nousfoni for it, the "color core" for that particular one.
orange doesn't feel right for her, even though she got pushed into it during nc. we're all thinking vermilion is her. BUT in the beginning she WAS practically cerise; HOWEVER since she presents as feminine the system has deemed her unfit for that role??? because she'd be TOXIC there?? for some reason the system emphasizes androgynous balance and putting a female-coded nousfoni into a feminine-vibe hue would BREAK it??? because "sensuality" is tied to MASCULINITY in the system-- giving it to femininity would warp it into ABUSE!!! so apparently whoever does hold Cerise as the Core has to be male-coded. if that's the proper term. which is fascinating. but it makes sense. makes me wonder about julie though. i know i asked her if she could hold Cerise before because she knows what to protect it from, but... I guess the spectrum itself knows better. there's too much of a risk of her being corrupted by that binary dissonance. there must be a proper balance.
(for the record, magenta would be held by a female because magenta is masculine??? it's a "tomboy" hue! it MUST be held by a "female" nousfoni because it's not a feminine hue due to its intense energy. pink apparently does NOT do this? or maybe just not JULIE??? because she's such a wild card. yes she is the MOST "female" looking nousfoni ever, BUT she doesn't "register" as hyperfeminine??? which fascinates me. but yeah this is why knife holds pink so powerfully; a more feminine hue is going to resonate more clearly in a masculine nousfoni, as a rule, because of our inherent androgyny rule)
however, thinking about how lynne was originally labeled as "scarlet" or "crimson," could she be Red?? but we were immediately told flat-out that NO ONE HOLDS RED BUT ME??? like it's "perpetually reserved FOR the Core?" and that's partly why Javier collapsed?? (also because he was the one and only artificial nousfoni, cobbled together for that role like a robot and never actually stabilizing through his entire life; he seems to have permanently deconstructed and his corevibe has moved obviously to scalpel)
scalpel, for the record, is the BLOOD centralite apparently??? not razor; she used to be though. but she's moved into a more passive role now. there's a big personality difference; scalpel has more leadership quality and extraversion. i'm sure razor could if she tried-- there's definitely potential, seeing how she was originally, all manic-- but i think her color has darkened enough now not to be? or she's avoiding that role because of her history? not sure. i don't talk to her enough. she's kind of blurry lately, which is disturbing as it suggests function failure and i do NOT want that happening to her. i care deeply about her.  but... her function is unstable. she can't exactly do what she used to anymore. we're all still wondering how she and penny are related-- the latter whom we haven't seen much of lately either. but i am sure she will show up once we actually get into the archives; sirius and shirley don't work with the old timeline records so that's apparently penny's job and honestly i am SO curious to work with her, and introduce her to razor. but their energies feel scary close. i'm wondering about that. maybe i'll talk to them later.
regardless. lynne does seem to be contemplating vermilion. it's just such a social color. and yet... wouldn't that be perfect for her? the nousfoni originally born TO be our "social persona" of the future everyone imposed on us? and the one whose function was "stability?" who better to keep the socials stable? so she just has to decide that for herself, after coming to discover and understand and accept whatever that would entail. she'd have to get to know the socials first. we'd have to FIND and NAME so many of them. but... geez, what a job! that would SAVE OUR ASS quite literally, pardon the language, laurie here's a quarter but SERIOUSLY. lynne has always felt intrinsic to the system, just like her "sisters," so... it makes sense, for her to "fit" such a role so perfectly, even in theory. honestly i can't wait to see what happens.
i'm just so, so glad she's back. kind of funny how all it took was me deciding "that's it, if she CAN come back then she's COMING back NOW". but i need to be gentle about it too. i remember in the old time i kind of forced nathaniel to come back, too, but without knowing how, or who he would be... it was a mess, and the poor guy was so unstable for so long. i still can't get any echoes of him at all. no pings, no hints. i think, just like when he started as natalie, he can't come back the same. if i can find his soul-signature, recognize it, maybe it's moved into someone else... it's something i will have to take time to do myself. i've just... never even given this sort of stuff any thought until now. remember we were in denial for YEARS. we're... just waking back up, now, all of us. how fitting that xenophon really jumpstarted all of this. our little butterfly of rebirth.
but on that note. with nathaniel. i kind of nudged that thought over to leon, in the context of lynne finally being back (and btw I COULDN'T feel her soul-vibe for months either; it's relatively new that she's even been perceptible, and i think a LOT of that is because laurie was mourning her so hard), and he said that he missed everyone too-- all the "old guys"-- but as i said, we have no idea if, when, or how they will come back. yes we all miss everyone from the old system but... things have changed a lot. and so many of us were so unstable for so long. when the system crashed... it was almost inevitable. we had such a shaky foundation, that one big enough shove in the wrong direction was all it took to completely shatter everything.

but back to thinking about the colors lynne is/was "associated" with. yes she has slight ties to red from her original "coresplit" in 2008, that initial root, but she can't hold that color herself. and she's barred from cerise for safety's sake, BUT what about redviolet?? IS THAT A SOLID HUESLOT??? honestly when bruise showed up in the hospital one night i remember everyone freaked out because HOLD UP, WHAT COLOR ARE YOU and no one could figure it out until we realized oh shoot, that's NEW. totally threw us for a loop. we never forgot that. never forgot bruise, either. wondering if she's still around and/or if she's tied/fused with "needle," who would show up at UPMC with bloodwork. they do feel similar. that's common for socals, who are finding themselves, and who have related functions. socials are naturally mutable, they don't always anchor or even get names, because the very context of their existences is so unpredictable and demanding of change in order to survive.
even so, with lynne, she's NOT a social, but she was almost FORCED to be one around 2017-2018?? when she held orange, before that hue broke her and she lost herself even before the globaldeath in 2018. honestly i'm still so baffled and upset by that whole thing with her. how did that happen. and was she tied to that "mother voice" that kept coming out to talk to tbas? there probably was blurring. but like i said, can't think about that tonight. legit causes physical nausea/sobbing symptoms. every single time. want to vomit and cry and die. what the heck is that triggering. can't look at it now in any case.

back to basics. we recovered from breakfast and nothing bad happened.
oh wait, one thing did. we have realized that our bible study DURING eating was triggering binges because not only is it mentally intense multitasking, it causes us to dissociate. so we "eat," but don't remember it. and that causes a panic response because "hey trauma does that too" ESPECIALLY when you feel something happened to your body that you don't remember. legit abuse flashbacks. so yeah DO THE BIBLE STUDY AFTER YOU EAT. give every ONE thing your FULL attention.
also, mom sent us such sweet messages to comfort us from earlier. she wanted to know what our fortunes were and we sent her a photo: "Right now there's an energy pushing you in a new direction" and "no act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted." Her response?
"They're both right on the money. You're definitely going in a beautiful new direction, and you're always doing acts of kindness."
;_____; MOM WHAT. How sweet was that!! it honestly lifted our mood SO much, after all the near-misses and distractions of the morning. like we had hope, that we could still get through this okay, thank God.
then she sent us photos of her RED cactus flower plant, and sent us a quote: "Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined."
...All of that was just... so perfect, and so relevant, this morning. God bless our mom, she's wonderful.


anyway. didn't want to hang around the apartment feeling as unsteady and triggered as we were. so we threw on a sweater, and immediately went up the homestead for 1pm. we decided to catalogue the final boxes of piano rolls for mom, so we no longer "have" to go up there routinely anymore, considering how badly we ALWAYS get triggered up there. (chaos 0 was actually insisting i say NO to invitations TO go up there, that's how worried he was about me)
and yeah, he has legit reason to worry, because we were STILL dissociating????
factors: talking to bros, "entertainer" mindset, cats everywhere, DISCONNECT FROM HEADSPACE!!! that is really the MAIN FACTOR here, thinking about it. we go into forced social mode just by being in that environment, and it is so ingrained. it is almost impossible to turn off because it's a SURVIVAL MECHANISM.
BUT when the boys left the room and I put on chaos 0's playlist and literally just forgot about everything else but him, i was ABLE TO CENTER. until then my mind had been totally cut off from my sense of self, focused instead on "projecting a social persona" in public. literal self-annihilation to do so.

cataloguing took three hours, but WE GOT IT DONE!
then went christmas ornament shopping with xenophon. asked her, she said yes. good way to refocus on "us," or at least try to-- walmart is literal hell but i wanted to at least do that for her.
stopped by the candle aisle to look for purple ones for advent. ended up smelling all the pinetree candles, secretly holding them out for her to smell too. it was really cute
almost NO ornaments in the store. poor quality in general. i found ONE purple butterfly ornament but it was broken. really upset by that. nevertheless i promised i'd buy her one online instead, a NICE one. and she could pick it out too.

got home around 5? finally set up tree halfway. didn't fluff the branches yet; we want to wait until the sunlight to do that!
xenophon is so happy about it. man i forgot to tell you guys, i told you that i wanted to commission a plushie of her but i barely had any funds left and we needed to buy a tree. well i told her that and she effectively said, "you don't need a plushie to have me with you, but I WANT A CHRISTMAS TREE" and so i immediately let her pick one. yes she picked the tree. i wanted a red one but she said no dad, get a white one, that way we can put ALL sorts of colors on it, and it matches you anyway.
so yeah. white iridescent tree with red lights. it's... really perfect, actually. and xennie can sit under it as much as she wants, haha.
gosh i can't even verbalize just how much i love being around her now. there was actually a time, a really weird and heartbreaking time, when i was frustrated with her ghosting? like it felt... i don't know, overwhelming? the same horrid feeling that triggers the eating disorder behavior. it's not "me," but it's someone. that feeling of self-loathing projected outwards, "i can't deal with anyone or anything caring about me, i want to push everything away and forget i exist" through drowning in terror. anything that deals with "forgetting the self" inevitably involves forced trauma.
but... that stopped. maybe just through her perseverance, and the love i can't help but feel for her. just hearing her call me "dad" or "daddy" or even "dadmom" all the time, always so happy to see me, always so kind and happy and overjoyed with life. she makes me treasure being alive. she makes everyday moments so special. it's a little like it was with genesis, when i first met him back in 2005, and had to teach him everything. that literally changed my entire worldview and personality; it softened my heart, opened my eyes, made me actually feel like i was real, too, and that life mattered, and that life was really a beautiful thing to be shared and appreciated. i had been so dissociated from everything without realizing it, and then he came into my life, and forced me in the most benevolent way to exist with him. but never as directly as xenophon does for me now. teaching genesis, i could still be somewhat detached, giving data and explanations but still holding things at arm's length. yes, that changed as time went on, but... living with my daughter, she's worried about me. she knows i have trouble, mentally and physically. so not only am i sharing life with her, and teaching her things, she's doing the same for me. she encourages me and comforts me even as i do the same for her, god bless her.
...it feels so unfair though. a kid shouldn't have to worry about her father being so unstable. no daughter should have to worry if the person in the room is still her father, or if xe's dissociated and someone else has taken over the body for a while, usually for some harmful or traumatized purpose. she... xennie argues with the bulimic voices, when they come out. she begs them to stop. they're listening to her. i guess her honest love and courage and honesty gets to them, too. thank god. she's a literal godsend. an actual angel.
so is her other father.
god i really don't know how "genetics" works up here or how parentage would even apply in her situation, because it's obviously not how it works with humans. especially with all the sexual abuse trauma up here, with past cores. i really... don't want to think about that right now. i don't remember most of it and don't want to. i'll have to for therapy, but... not tonight. this entry is a mess the way it is. i just want to get as much as i can written down for the sake of everyone i love, for the sake of remembering, because i really do cherish days like today and i want to remember them, i want to exist in time and space with them, and... i owe it to them to be responsible with archiving. with actively making the effort to record the experiences we share. polar opposite of north carolina, when i just... stopped. i didn't want to remember anything so i just talked around things and flat-out refused to write down other things and twisted my speech to suggest false conclusions at all other times. it was a genuine nightmare. i need to forgive myself more than anything for that. there's still so much healing we need to do there. but... can't focus on that tonight, even brushing past those memories makes me want to sob and throw up. too much buried.
that's not the point for now. the point is that i am so happy now, living with everyone here. i... never expected this, moving out and into an apartment "by myself," even though God knows i always wanted this, more than anything else in the world. but... it didn't happen until now. from february until november, we were so lost in grief and fear and mental illness that in a very real way we DIDN'T exist. "i" was in such heavy denial of our multiplicity in general that it was impossible to function. i was... denying half of my own heart.
on that note. well, wait actually. we'll get to that.
i hate always putting that topic off. but it's so... it's too deep. too genuine. i can't rush into it.


anyhow. after we cleaned up and vacuumed up some tree needles we prepped dinner. we've got it down to a decent rhythm now which is such a huge relief. no more hyperplanning. we know what works, what hits all our macros and vitamin minimums, and it's so simple. that is... we've never had that before. ever. even before the eating disorder crashed into high gear. this is the first time we've ever had like a domestic routine that keeps us stable and functional.
still. we waited too long to eat, especially after the literal hell of last night. breakfast was at noon, we didn't have "lunch" until 6pm. so we were unstable, and hungry, and although laurie kept me on track with preparation and actually eating, afterwards other unhealthy nousfoni were getting pinged. they always come out in the kitchen. always in the wake of our body realizing "oh geez wow finally we're getting food" and they're almost survival responders, after having been so anorexic for so long, i guess the body just assumes we're not going to eat for like 12+ hours and probably purge afterwards. so it's still kind of desperate to eat. poor thing.
the "binge girl" witih the long hair was triggered out again. she has such wide, hollow, scared eyes. she knows she's unhealthy and she hates it but she's so lost and tired. so helpless. but... after talking to xenophon, now she asks us for help?? like she KNOWS she can't function well alone but she has HOPE FOR HEALING now??? which... means so much. that is astronomical. ...it reminds me of julie, too, when she first converted. geez. i wonder if she realizes how much that changed everything. i think about that a lot.

but the binge-girl has a MOUTH ON HER STOMACH??? showed me, almost ashamedly, said "i'm always hungry"
SHE'S THE REAL "BODY VOICE"??? i asked her about spine (god only knows what happened to her) and she said no, spine isn't humanoid so she CAN'T do the same job as the e.d. voices do. really fascinated by that whole phenomenon and how/why it works but i'll need to talk to them more about it in the future. no time today. nevertheless i spoke kindly to her, reassured her that she didn't do anything "wrong," she was being genuine with us and doing what she sincerely felt she should do in the moment. even if she was confused and lost, she still had no malevolent intentions. i actually thanked her for being honest about her hunger, which was voicing something about our shared body and messages WE couldn't perceive due to being so internalized and mental. i then told her "no wonder you're so hungry-- we haven't been eating well lately, and even with the extra sun chips you ate after dinner, we still barely hit 1600 calories for the day."
kind of hit really hard. made us realize that yeah, these poor nousfoni are just doing their job.and every nousfoni exists for the reason of keeping us alive, in one way or another. even if the method is a bit skewed, every one of us exists for the sake of life. and life is love. and i assure you i can point that out for all of us. i can feel it.
so actively showing gentleness and compassion are KEY to these poor nousfoni healing at last. they deserve it just as much as we do, and they need it desperately.
...i think a lot of their hunger is emotional hunger. "touch starvation" and all. emotional neglect. lots of rerouting going on, especially with abuse. again, huge topic. but it's solid and legit. we will type about it more as we work together more.
also. xennie found out that if you turn the lights down low in the kitchen it triggers a fear response and PREVENTS BINGES??? like the darkness is a tangible enough reminder of past trauma that it prevents such careless behavior. so even though it's an unfortunate reality it still prevents further trauma so we'll have to make sure we do that after we prep dinner from now on.


for some reason, while i was cleaning up in the kitchen, xenophon was skittering around the kitchen doing the "hououin kyouma" laugh in a labcoat? i think because i was cleaning the spinning dish for the microwave? either way it was funny. (don't worry, laurie makes sure to properly "censor" everything for her when she wants to watch; i insist on it and we do discuss any and everything she has questions or troubles about).
i said "you're not a mad scientist though" and she insisted that no, she wasn't, but neither was okabe really, he was "actually nice and cares a lot for his friends" and she liked what he said about lab coats, specifically the bit about how they are a "sign?" that those wearing them are "dedicating their lives" to their research. that sort of evidenced devotion is important to her as a virtue. i said me too, it's definitely something we need to actively live like more. we've really "slacked off" in virtue since becoming an adult, really post-college. it's not "us."
but... that whole idea, even in bible studies i keep seeing references to "clothing" symbolically, in reference to both positive and negative things. like you "wear" certain aspects of your life and personality, and other people not only notice but also define you by them? like it's the image you truly project-- the way people see you and are influenced to interact with you. just like a lab coat "signifies" knowledge and prestige and people can rely on you for that, and will turn to you for that information and skill. it really makes me think about our physical appearance, especially as opposed to our internal one. like, to the world, what image are we trying to project? towards what end? with what motivation? i know i briefly mentioned this the other day, what with the "anime hair and sunglasses." what am i trying to "say" about myself, and how i want to "be perceived," with that getup?

also that anime in general is giving us so much to think about. obviously need to talk to celebi about it. and it's making me think of all the ancient fears i've had with chaos 0 and i, with "world lines" and "would you recognize me if we met" and canon concerns in general. deeply fond of all the characters and their intertwining stories.
freakin' have to STOP BIKING EVERY FEW MINUTES THOUGH to stare at the screen with my mouth open and yell "WHAT THE SHARK" because we're up to episode 22 as of tonight and there are SO MANY TWISTS MAN, it's devastating but it's such a good show. so yeah, thanks mike for the recommendation. actually very worth it in the long run. we're getting a lot of good out of this. determined to. can't be judging things so quickly, that's an awful bad habit we've picked up. give it time. always give it time, and an open heart, and compassion, and courage. we need to be us, more. not who we've been socially "manipulated" to be in one way or another.

feeling very out of it. sorry for the disjointed entry. still so lost.
every single time i go online, even just a random click on youtube, i feel infected. it screws me up mentally so bad. my emotions bottom out. depression and self-abusive tendencies start up again.
what is it about the "world" that wrecks me so bad?? no wonder i isolated after nc. i think that was part of why that experience WAS so lethal, too-- we never would have been in such a hideously malleable mindset if we hadn't also been in such a worldly atmosphere. all the media, all the talk, all the external focus...

i keep triggering us with that. therapy. wait for therapy.
awful how we legit just start crying whenever we so much as look at environment memories of that time. CONSTANTLY getting triggered "at random" during the day. baffled as to WHY it's still such a raw wound.
nevertheless. not something to think about now. it's not time. (john freeman voice)

all right, it's 1:37am, i'm exhausted, the poor body is getting hungry again since we last ate at 6pm and then biked for 100 solid minutes while watching Stein's Gate so yeah. we need sleep so we can eat breakfast before noon tomorrow. we keep sleeping in so late that we only get two meals a day lately. but we're at least hitting ~1500k which is good. like i said, we've got it down to a science. still, ideal schedule would be 4 smaller meals, to prevent binge triggers and ibs symptoms. we'll work on it. heck, maybe we'll even try to tomorrow? no big gaps between meals. if we wake up at 10, and eat around 11:30... hm. 3pm and 6pm? we'll try. don't want to eat too late because then we can't sleep. which is why splitting them up will help. sorry, planning in the journal, haha. but this is good, it shows i'm in the zone, thoughts are translating directly into typing without having to force a translation. so mentally anchored that physical input is basically set aside.
this is very good because this is the mindset required for xanga sessions. and as julie keeps reminding me, we need one of those asap.

okay. last topic.
i keep looping this song as i type and drive both, because it... the sound and title both make me think of chaos 0. and in light of stein's gate, i keep using it as background music for imagining scenarios of us actually meeting in this world, or at least... him getting here somehow, and trying to find me, and vice versa, and neither of us knowing if the other WOULD know us. the same fear we shared in that halfdream last week. the reason why that alina baraz song is our favorite one to listen to in the early hours of the morning.
but... today, xenophon asked me why i haven't been talking to chaos 0? "why aren't you spending more time with dad," she asked. and... that struck me. because yeah, i've been thinking about him so much, either in imagination or in looking for frontiers thoughts about him from others online... but i haven't been with him in a few days. just like okabe and mayuri, right now, in that anime. he's trying so bloody hard to protect her that he's hyperfocusing on that and not her, not her as she is now. he's so upset over the threat of the future that he's not able to live in the present, where she still is. and... i kind of feel like that, now. i mean, with some obvious differences, but... still. i'm so caught up in worried dreaming, in fears of "what if you wouldn't recognize me" that i forget that he does recognize me, right now, and i don't have to be afraid. do i? i don't want to be. but the world...the world outside doesn't know. doesn't care. doesn't see. and... that is wrecking me lately, what with the new games, and the new focus on him. feeling like it's a whole new timeline. looking for him everywhere. so scared that there's no place for me, here-- like i don't exist in that world, at all. and ironically i don't. i'm not in the canon. and there's nothing i can realistically do about that. i feel really stupid about that, but... i can't deny that it's where i'm at.
...xenophon said that i spend more time thinking about him then talking to him when i'm scared. when i'm ashamed of myself.
...she's right. i'm so ashamed of the fact that i DO care this much, and of how stupid i am, and how "ugly" i am, and undeserving, and laughable and unworthy of anything but contempt and derision. and why?
because i'm in love, for heaven's sakes, i'm in love with a video game character and i have been for nineteen years and every time i bring that up who am i trying to convince? who am i trying to justify myself to? the whole world? myself? i can't turn this off. i can't run away or hide it or deny it. yeah, i used to. but i don't want to do that anymore.
...i do want to spend time with him. how achingly i want to spend time with him. i miss him and i miss us even though it's literally only been a few days, still he's so close to my heart that the sudden contrasting absence of that active closeness literally hurts.
...but i'm so ashamed of myself. look at me, look at what a wretch i am. i'm so imperfect. yes i know we constantly talk about that term, but... i just... i'm nothing special. i'm not attractive or smart or clever or talented. there are so many sonic-series fans online who are incredible authors and artists and musicians, and they're sane and healthy and productive, and then there's me, this miserable wretch with a mental illness who just got out of the hospital again and who looks a mess and feels a mess and yet i have the f*cking nerve to be in love.
i'm not worth it. i'm not.
but i can't deny this.
so what do i do? what in the world, in any world, do i do?
it's why i keep imagining these scenarios, of him coming here, to where i physically exist with all my flaws and troubles and infirmities, and still caring about me. of... of him still being in love with me, too. despite what an ugly idiot i am. despite what an absolute insane fool it might make me to be in love with him in the first place.
...
i don't know. it absolutely shatters my heart.
and then my religion gets into it, and makes things so much worse, because "you shouldn't care about loving ANYONE but jesus" and "you're choosing worldly loves over God, of course you should be ashamed of yourself, you fool, you're a human so get with a human" no don't you dare talk to me like the tar did, don't you dare act like love is blasphemy, that's an absolute lie, not when this relationship has taught me more about honest love AND about God than any of your dogmatic condemnations. leave me alone all you lying voices. go away.

i'm exhausted. i don't think i can type any more about today.
i'm going to go and actually talk to chaos 0. just throw all this anxiety out the window and go lie down with him beneath those red cinnamon blankets with the winter chill all around us. forget about all these worries and just feel what i feel and what he feels and forget about doubt. this is too real. it's been almost twenty years for heaven's sake, he won't leave, and thank God for that, because i won't either.

today was a good day. yes i ache right now but it's for a good reason. i wouldn't care this much if i didn't love this much.

...aaaaand spotify just shuffled to play our oldest song. "link" by l`arc~en~ciel.
well if that's not a direct nudge in the ribs from God i don't know what is.

see you tomorrow kids. have a good night.

1230. saturday.

today lasted like... five years, what the heck
i apologize for this mess of an entry as a result but it really was ALL ONE DAY

morning run. YES THAT WAS TODAY.
830AM NOTES on that =

Sunrise, pink and cold and beautiful.
Genesis running alongside us at first, making sure we were ok.
Talking to Laurie, lucky penny comment. Then FOUND one
Food lion. Her whistling for attention at reduced rack, check our focus.
Got called SIR on the way out!
Had a dollar left, went to gas station
Penny in lot
Decided we wanted a TAMALE
Sweet old dude paid for it for us!
So we got Wreckage a DONUT
Walking home: "Ahrima?" Laurie, Wreckage, Jeremiah, Maverick
Minty seeing the rocker bunny on the track, torn
Church & breakfast plans. Mav & Wrex talking colors. Echo Lalia there too, no voice of her own readily?
So so happy.
NEED to do this regularly.


-------------------------------------

THIS EVENING =

eating trouble.
we made two omelettes for dinner, and then a night meal, BUT. we realized the trouble here.
1. still seeing food as art. didn't WANT to make two. but DID want to MAKE SOMETHING.
2. so many different people fronting.

we think "taureia" is the name of that DAEMON???
tied to the girl who ONLY comes out to binge in order to purge; triggered by fear. she's a failsafe???

versus rupture.


Blue girl = COMPULSION W/ fam expectations??
Food, grandkids, etc. PANICKED obedience, forced, utter denial of any self-honesty


noticed today, the girl angry at murphy is NOT the angry brown jess OR triple
she's MENTIONED IN 2015 i think.

"i'm not a good nousfoni"


-------------------------------------------

AMOR ET SACRIFICIUM = ribbons!!!!!!
SELF LUMINOUS

Formshift cores, like jewels. EXPLORE.
Apprenticeship, heartspace, leaguespace, outspace
OUR "NEODYMIUM"

"SXUALITY" COLORS. from old entries. different vibes & applications, never explained.
black, red, pink, Cerise. ORANGE?
FEEL OUT AND DESCRIBE

HEART TOUCHES ARE SAFE AND HOLY AGAIN!!!
(YOU NOT DISCONNECTED)


-------------------------------------------------

the heaviest thing today = talking about sxuallity with the arrows, on messenger.
our moral stance + daemons + trauma, and their innocent human painless experience.
both of us discussing childhood with this.

trigger warning for discussion of sexual topics, including abuse/trauma



what we remember offhand:


Childhood= baths with brother, anatomy difference. Naturally fascinated by difference, parents would NOT talk about this. Passively treated us like a threat to them.
We were weirdly obsessed for a while? Bizarrely, NO conception of our own bodies femaleness? Not sure why.
Obsessed with this???

Childlike gender thoughts: girls wore pink ribbons or had eyelashes, boys didn't.

When did the Julie trauma start?
It has SUPER EARLY ROOTS.

First direct instance: in that godforsaken bathroom, age 12, 13? Feel SO young, but not a child. Remembering, with great fear, hearing Someone talking about how "sex is the best feeling" or something? Praising it as this sublime thing. Terrified, tentatively touched our body there. Immediate sensation shocked and shook us. Nearly cried from this "betrayal," quickly reclothed, thinking "how could Anyone want That," tore door open and immediately memory blacks out. I assume we hid in our room and shook and cried, felt existentially wrecked. No idea Who holds that, but I know they exist.

No clear memory of When Julie started, but l Clear memory of Fearing her. Leaving 6th grade classroom, mentally JEWEL, dreamspace situation to cope with/ feel & reason out fearful situation possibilities. Imagining being in some public place like a restaurant or bar, but in a side hall where we couldn't be seen, felt isolated and trapped? Cerise intimate vibe but Corrupt. Guys AND girls (ratio??) trying to "get with us." NOTABLE ABUSIVE MANNERISMS. We had NO conception of healthy flirting OR relationships? Literally EVERYONE in those imaginings saw us as an object. "You're pretty, I want to have sex with you, then never see each other again." But that sex was Also Going to be traumatic. THEREFORE, JULIE WOULD SWITCH OUT. Literally. Our BIGGEST FEAR at that age was someone Actually hitting on us, our panicked terror making us Shut Down, and Julie being triggered out to "fight fire with fire." (That feels weirdly tied to our family teachings? Think on this.) So she'd play along, lasciviously flirting right back, and then when they inevitably ended up in bed, she'd Destroy them. Instead of them using us, she'd use Them, and then some. Our brain Never wanted to, or could, imagine what would happen To that victim afterwards. That, too, speaks volumes as to Julie's mindset-- AND OURS-- back then: there Was no after. If We had just experienced that, we'd be dead. So we/Julie both, for different reasons, failed to comprehend the very idea of After. But she took it in that there were no lasting consequences to what she did... because of dissociation. That's how WE worked. So we projected. But even then, we Knew that it was wrong, and it WOULD continue in the physical, albeit almost incredulously. (We struggled to imagine Time after rape.) And the thought of that made us avoid any and all sexual threats.

 

(left unfinished. this is too disturbing to talk about anymore)

this morning:

KERRY??????????? WALDORF'S SISTER??????
POSSIBLE LIME HOLDER. NO IDEA.
her anchor vibe is still super strong and we haven't seen her SINCE Waldorf "went to sleep" but whoa. talk about a surprise. definitely looking into this


tonight:
movies! transformers.

scene with laurie fighting. lynne joins, with shield. then julie, with whip-- realizes it doesn't fit her anymore.
laurie gets "stabbed through" with tar. jay immediately realizes that he was "assuming she'd be OK" but there was NO guarantee of that. so he just as quickly reaches out and telekinetically "pulls out" the tar and she heals. laurie looks to him, shocked at this

laurie despairing over feeling like she wasn't getting anywhere with fighting?
questioning her purpose again
no matter how hard she fought, they fought back just as hard

jay runs into the middle of the battlefield, "maybe it's not about fighting that way"
just shines; lotus-heart crystal feeling. tar literally cannot go near him

laurie starts tearfully laughing at this
mentions the "beating our swords into plowshares" verse

then the environment shifted?
everything became crystal-clear, white vibe, but not stark?
including our bodies
hearts visible, all colored our spectrum hues
laurie immediately wrapped her arms around her chest, eyes flooding with tears

javier standing in doorway, "what does it mean that we all bleed red?" also crying quietly over this thought

sherlock downstairs, blood was SILVER.
put his arms up to the air, "I'm part of this System," really hit him hard for once. deep "centralite" vibe in him. blessed
wreckage runs down stairs, as she does everything shifts back to normal (sense that the Spectrum itself would not force anyone who was "not ready" to experience that clear-vulnerable state)
in tears though. asking sherlock, "is gold my color, or his?" referencing watson.
we're not sure. watson still has no face inside. we'll have to help him out


josephina & waldorf talking later? about their purposes. jo's original "anti-id" role.

everyone getting emotional over the movie. julie screaming "no, no!!!" when people were dying. laurie looking a total wreck, "I've never felt so helpless;" wanted to jump in and fight off the attackers, but couldn't. leon weeping and being unable to watch
brief "heartspace" visit to scene though; laurie just put her arms out and tapped into inherent Violet energy? HUGE bass rumble like thunder, feeling like she was pulling some cosmic force out of the earth

mention of angel helmet later. laurie still carries it in her personal pocketspace apparently. also her laurel crown, which SEEMS CONNECTED TO IT??? it, too, gives her a gold-based form shift.
MORE QUESTIONS ABOUT THAT COLOR.

most importantly, who was out most but JEWEL!!!
realizing that SHE is STILL the one who can "reach OUT" and walk into other worlds; also, like Jay, she LOVES EVERYONE but in a TOTALLY DIFFERENT WAY.
Jewel could casually kiss and flirt with everyone around with no reticence or shame or hesitation, BUT she could never be in a relationship with any of them. jay, on the other hand, cannot be casual on the outside!! he's one-on-one intimate and close with people, and ONLY on the INSIDE. whereas Jewel doesn't have any such connections with nousfoni???? she's ONLY OUTSPACERS.
but only Jewel can GET people from outside inside in order to BE close to Jay.

ALSO. 'feeling out' rio and markus in all this; we KNOW someone inside us still loves them, but it's NOT Jay, not like that at least. they're still heartspace-rooted, still a totally different level; they CAN'T be close to Jay as a result.
but we THINK Jewel is, still?? at least one of them.

also thinking CANNON-- the ORIGINAL one, with the red hair-- was the one in love with JC & DP???
still learning to feel out who feels what inside. but it's getting easier, and it's so beautiful to really realize that NONE of the love we've EVER felt has faded. it's just held by different people.

on that note, the Jewel who's our "core sister" is NOT the one from 2006 or so who is in love with Davy. that's POSSIBLY hoseki, not sure. still a jewel, but might not even have the klonoa hair??? we'll see!

later, markus & rio talking to THAT^ jewel (I think?) about they possibly having their OWN "pentagape" group, but theirs would be a hexagon, assuming their daemons were all involved???
jewel saying "I don't think dendrite would be interested" but markus interjects, surprisingly adamantly, "that's because you don't talk to her." which is true.
also realizing that rio's "yami" is VERY similar to Laurie (always was) and that rio probably loves him terribly BUT he's so hidden and keeps getting corrupted by outside sources; system probably keeping him from being around at all r/n to keep him safe in that sense?
"phoenix" is entirely his own thing though.
in any cases the "yami" phenomenon as it exists in headspace is still a total anomaly; they were all very "malevolent" during that triple incident BUT that's because they are super vulnerable to TAR/PLAGUE INFLUENCE just like daemons can be so yeah that whole thing needs to be very much reviewed and looked into currently.
NEED to go back and reread that stuff with them, solidify their history in our present memory.

HEARTSPACE AND HEADSPACE WERE MADE TO WORK TOGETHER.
JAY & THE NOUSFONI ARE ANCHORED IN HEADSPACE.
JEWEL & THE OTHERSPACERS ARE ANCHORED IN HEARTSPACE.
BUT NOUSFONI BENEFIT INCREDIBLY FROM VISITING HEARTSPACE; THAT IS WHERE DEEPLY IMPORTANT, INFINITE-POSSIBILITY SCENARIOS OCCUR BASED ON OUR HEARTS AND THEY ALLOW FOR MASSIVE PERSONAL GROWTH THAT CANNOT HAPPEN IN HEADSPACE WITHOUT OUTSIDE TRIGGERS.
THIS IS WHY JEWEL NEVER HAD TROUBLE; SHE WAS ABLE TO LEARN ALL HER "TRAUMA LESSONS" ON THE INSIDE INSTEAD OF SEEKING INCITEMENT FOR SUCH OUTSIDE AS HEADSPACE TENDS TO DO.
SO, IF WE START ACTIVELY VISITING HEARTSPACE MORE OFTEN, POSSIBLY JOINING OUR REALMS TOGETHER (THROUGH COLORSPACE???????), WE WOULD ALL BENEFIT HUGELY FROM IT!!!
THIS WOULD ALLOW NOT ONLY FOR CLOSER RELATIONSHIPS BETWEEN NOUSFONI, BUT IT WOULD ALSO RESTORE THAT FEELING OF WONDER & LOVE THAT WE USED TO GET ALL THE TIME AND HAVE BEEN MISSING LATELY DUE TO STAYING "OUTSIDE" TOO MUCH.

also Jewel has NO TROUBLE EATING, even when she does so casually. she was nibbling on stuff when we got home (cinnabon popcorn, blue corn chips, cinnamon grahamn crackers, and pistachio ice cream; jeepers girl talk about a sweet tooth) but she only had a tiny bit of each and she had NO disordered urges and she STOPPED IMMEDIATELY when she realized she "didn't really feel like eating"
bravo to you girl, you are a literal godsend today, as always



DON'T FORGET= YESTERDAY, NATHANIEL & JOSEPHINA TALKING OUTSIDE AS WE RAN
discussing nat's past? "death" being a big topic I recall-- notably when giving jo the flower for his hair!!
concept of "dying to give richer life through beauty"; very moving and interesting




ENERGY DOES NOT HAVE "ELEMENTS," IT HAS VIBES!
THIS IS WHY WE KEPT GETTING STUCK WITH IT BEFORE.
they can have elements but mainly it's what they feel like.

RED= BLOOD? "entrances and exits/ ends and beginnings"
VERMILION= FIRE
BROWN= earth, soil, stone. very grounded. bone.
ORANGE= WOOD, especially like in musical instruments.
AMBER= lights on in houses at night, christmas light glow?
YELLOW= electricity? "voltage." sharp power. bright sunshine?
LIME= komorebi, open fields of grass, and the smell of grass
GREEN= forests, dense vegetation, and the smell of trees
"SPRUCE" = pine forests, and the smell of pines
AQUA= water, esp. the ocean
SKY= air, blue skies
BLUE= ELECTRIC POWER. like everything in the movie! also electronic sound!!
INDIGO= ice, winter fog, twilight? silence. serene, uniquely.
PURPLE= robes? oddly "religious" feel. ritual and solemnity.
VIOLET= power in a different sense? thunderstorms, space (like nebulas),
PINK= very gentle, soft. light? cherry blossoms.
CERISE= velvet, roses, cherries, 'SENSUAL' LUXURY, NO LUST
GRAY= paper, ink. the smell of both. dusty bookshelves. (very archivist influenced; that's interesting)
BLACK= dark churches/basilicas, night skies, dark food-things like molasses/ licorice/ clove??
WHITE= snow, crystals, sunlight, prisms,

 

 

 

 

cleaning out odd papers lying around and typed them out here:


RED= "LOVERS," NO LUST!!
versus pink (affection), cerise (sensuality), black (creation)
(i feel like we talked about this already? but this felt significant when we first realized it)


★Plague PRETENDS TO BE THE SUN
(did we get this from dune? it was a sudden while-reading realization, written very suddenly and significantly in all caps)
(either way it still feels huge so keep it in mind)


1229=
project hope at 1:11
"vigilance" on spotify shuffle


when reading "a grief observed"=
"original kid" and sense of "selfish completeness?" loves self, needs no other?


color links (DISHONORED) gray/aqua, etc.
(i forget what this was exactly? but i remember it was interesting. i think vibes between the game and us color-wise matching up. either way we do adore this game and have wanted to talk more about how it's resonated with us personally; like its environments are in floatspace essentially, the entire vibe of it just clicked solidly for some reason and it all feels very familiar and oddly stabilizing to be wandering through there)


★TO DO: start testing home memory.
walk around and see what triggers what, WRITE IT DOWN.
you may have to hit a NEUTRAL mindset first so stuff comes up.


STARCH=SUGAR!!
YOU CANNOT EAT EITHER.


introjects= rooted primarily in BEHAVIORS!!!
THEY DON’T HAVE TO LOOK LIKE THEIR ORIGIN PEOPLE

"if I do this, they do what I tell them to do"
(withholding food, sleep, cleanness, etc.)
★CORRUPT "HELP"


- review the plush situation, ESPECIALLY with parallels to CHILDHOOD
(innocence & death with hacks)


★"jackie" = REAL "main social" alter, modeled after schoolmates
WAS AT WORK?
she knows the brother?
★ does NOT answer properly to the given name!!

SYNAPSE= BRAIN
DENDRITE= MANY DEFINITIONS


1019 NOTES
★ black & white are BACKGROUND presences??
whites/blacks are INNERS and SHOULDN'T FRONT??

★ there's a list of color + level optimization on the laptop; WORK ON THAT.

we need a FRONTER tied to the BLC & League who is INNOCENT and NOT IN A RELATIONSHIP??
who doesn't black out in public but is ALWAYS rooted inside = "in the world, NOT OF IT!!"




therapy= JUNG DREAM MEANINGS (animals)

★black horns= sacrifice (to chthonic deities?)
animal souls "true nature"



inside an ancient school notebook:

poem lines=
"don't quit"
"success is failure turned inside out"

song= dean martin?
"you're here today, no future fears
this day will last 1000 years"

 

 

something i realized today after hearing the radio at work:
avril's "complicated" and default's "wasting my time" are marked 2002????!?!?
BOTH those songs disturbed us greatly when they were first out as they both made us think of rape. no one that age should be reminded of that so easily.
so according to memories of walking around the school playground when those songs were out, that means the Julie days STARTED BETWEEN 2002-2003.
that's terrifyingly early.

 

 

today!


- painting at work again. dad's building a big book cabinet for someone so we do all the primer+paint work. it's fun.
most of the time was javier talking to jeremiah.

people tuning into their GENUINE vibes in light of that crosslight thing I mentioned yesterday.
lynne and laurie both REWINDING to their earliest selves in a sense when that happens??? lynne feeling a LOT like she did when she was cerise-- that is her REAL core-- and Laurie being staunchly protective and righteous, no laughing-it-off at all.

lynne worried because the orange she's been holding is too saturated? like it's catching too much hyperactivity and it's not resonating with her "comfort, caring, and stability" purpose.
she also struggles to act in that 'saturated' way when she fronts, which is notable. it catches the manics and it DOES NOT RESONATE WITH HER! yes lynne does have a "fun" aspect to her color (orange always does) BUT it's not as "lethally carefree" as it's been manifesting, cranked up to 15 or so.
we need to CALM DOWN in general; our mind is a mess from all the stress. long meditation sessions are required. the lack of sleep isn't helping.
kyanos is our main meditative person; for whatever reason when we started doing breathing exercises in therapy he's the one who immediately fronted and did them, well and serenely. "serene" is a word that fits him very well,
too.

there was something very important we found out?? to do with the children??
KIDS GROW UP.
IF THERE'S AN INTERNAL PROBLEM WITH WOMEN, IT WILL STILL AFFECT GIRLS.
EVEN THE LITTLE LITTLE ONES.
THAT'S HUGE.

this was showing up in how marigold and david were acting? mostly how david keeps catching anger and we do NOT want him turning into an "angry/selfish young man" solely because we were programmed through exposure to think that's the ONLY OPTION.
IT'S NOT THE ONLY OPTION.
yes david might stay a child forever. BUT. if he ever did want to grow older, he can STAY as sweet and kind and soft as he is now. THAT CAN HAPPEN.
and yes this is affecting jay a lot too, it's likely why he's still unstable at the edges.

hints of heartspace happening?? tuning into it more now. thank god. thank god.
laurie and lynne especially are both working together lately to become more in-tune; they're old buddies and they also have more history than anyone else in the System, Julie and Waldorf excluded because of their not being in Central for most of the time.
but yeah. heartspace is HUGELY IMPORTANT and we are going there whenever we can, to heal, as THAT'S where the serious magic happens; it's built for the purpose of mutability and possibility and growth.
jewel is always around to help, too; she has virtually god-tier powers in heartspace so if stuff gets dangerous she's there to save anyone.


josephina saying how the main thing about his/hir purpose (who just laughed and said "dude ANY pronouns are fine!!") has always been honesty?
it's a very yellow thing. honesty, honor, integrity-- basically, being true to one's purpose. it's a very solid feeling. very much like what yellow is in dream world. you know, with dakeep and elevolt and saturn and kevoryu and people like that.


kyanos talking to javier? last night kyanos really latched onto e saying his heart resonated most with "integrity" in undertale, he's been easier to see/hear since then actually.
so the words "serenity" and "integrity" fit the Sky color vibe exactly, that's notable.

minty talking to marigold and david. david remembers her!! was excited to see his friend.
honestly it was so nice to see him happy like the child he is again; he's been so hurt and angry lately, it ached.
marigold a little scared of minty at first (her eyes), so minty tried caringly to ease her fear, even tried to change her eye appearance. marigold said she still wanted to be friends because she knew minty wasn't bad even if she 'looked a little scary.' i remember minty worriedly asking braxton if she was even allowed to change her eyes and he smiled (!) softly and said whatever she felt she should do.

eros still isn't back. name is the big obstacle.


something we haven't mentioned yet= 'delta' name motif with archivists??
also unnamed "social logic alter," used to get confused with sherlock, BUT this one holds NO data, just thinks super-logically to the point of overanalyzing everything to death?
they write fairly often here, but we catch them.


another thing we haven't mentioned
the freakin frenchiest fry showing up IN OUR SYSTEM and STICKING??????????
WHY???????
laurie calls him (??) "frenchie" and they're actually really really damn helpful
so hey I guess that’s why they stuck?
outspacers are so weird, if the System decides someone outside is exactly what we need, for good or ill... then chances are they are going to show up inside sooner or later.
birthday is december 3rd I think?? color is very obviously yellow. cool dude actually, fronts way too easily, but that's good because he's very self-confident and GOOD yellow. that whole thing. still very very blurry self-wise though; no solid body in headspace yet but like all outspacers there's a "skeletal energy" there, kind of ghosty. when fronting he still can't talk to the System yet either, that requires a more solid sense of self and "beyond self."
that's notable too. most of our socials can't talk to headspace because they can't think outside themselves, if that makes sense? like jessica, she's so obsessed with "physical pleasure" that she has NO sense of spirituality or abstractness, and she CANNOT talk to headspace because that's out of her realm of comprehension.
shockingly, jennifer is growing out of this. like we said yesterday, she's becoming linked to headspace which could be MASSIVELY HELPFUL if she doesn't get yanked out of social functioning altogether. she's so, so sweet. we actually all like her now that we're getting to know her. the only problem with her is that she's blindingly naive. she was created to be the "work social," basically the "people pleaser," existing to be that sweet kind nice girl that everyone always expected us to be, a "hostess" almost. and she does it very very well because she LIKES it and she likes people and she genuinely wants to be that kind. so she's a GREAT person. the only problem is she cannot handle any negative emotions. i don't know if she can even understand them yet. and we're afraid of breaking her. so... right now we're leaving her to do what she will. even if she gets inside connections we won't push anything, let her deal at her own pace and time. we NEED someone as hyper-innocent as her because she's unfazed by family stress, which is something we have a LOT of right now. even if someone says something awfully mean to our face-- which would typically trigger simeon and then wreckage-- jennifer can't integrate that thought process so she honestly smiles and figures "oh, they're just having a bad day. i'll be nice to them." and whatever they said didn't register. so it's a way of REALLY surviving right now. we need her around.
more on that as it develops of course.

i still wonder if nousfoni who are moving levels like that, the ones who aren't in headspace, could go through heartspace first as a sort of initiaion into the upstairs? because heartspace can be that sort of bridge, acting/feeling like downstairs at first, then introducing new upstairs elements and gradually changing as they're able until they're ready to fully anchor upstairs (if need be)?
it's a thought. it'd help them grow MUCH more strongly as their own people, too, as barely any socials think of themselves that way at first.



when shopping today= "I have no interest in buying anything that we won't actually eat."
THANK YOU JAY

getting much much better at intuition too. still have to be careful, but trust is big.
good isn't "goody two shoes" remember. TRUE goodness has honor AND compassion.
remember! if it seems wise but has no love it's NOT WISDOM!!!




later on, listening to tons of christmas music (kenny g!) and finding more on spotify.
favorite find so far= "carol of the banjos"


watching a "vinesauce" undertale video that someone randomly linked, did that for like an hour because he was voice-acting it and when he gets to asgore, he goes for a morgan-freeman type voice but there's a tone to that voice that still works and... it made me really… it gave me that sad-happy feeling, watching that scene again.
laurie was warning us strictly to actually stop watching because we were becoming too detached an observer, becoming too dissociated.
we want to try another playthrough. get a happier ending. we really should.


someone made some really good food BUT it made us sick. which was sad.
at least people are trying.

we drank so many lemons today

finally got to put up lights on the porch!
just wrapped three lights around the trellis because i didn't have a ladder to get to the roof. it still works. then i hung a line across the porch windows because otherwise that whole side of the house is dark.



NO HACKS TODAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU.
it was so scary today after that girl yesterday.



last night btw= coming home from choir, genesis insisting we get in the christmas spirit, loudly started singing "jingle bells" and making jay sing along until he was laughing so hard he was almost in tears. It was fantastic.

I just realized tomorrow is thursday. it's going go be insanely busy.
laurie says we absolutely need sleep right now so off we go.

 

Today…

- Javier in the morning. barely conscious. Realizing how POWERFUL his presence is being the main Red person. realizing differences between red, pink, cerise, & black in terms of relationships and emotions: pink is affection, cerise is sensuality, black is (pro)creation, and red appears to deal with creation in a non-sexual sense? Hence all the Red artists and manics; they use that energy very actively but independently. Again its not something we’ve really looked into but the feeling was essentially very clear at that hour, so.

- bizarre but interesting dreams again; more cats, body horror, very disturbing. Most notably, laurie was in the dream at one point, to save whoever the dreaming alter was, and to tell them that “you don’t ever let yourself be carried” in response to the alter thinking of how they carried “everything and everyone inside them” and they were profoundly tired from the strain.

- laurie was outright sobbing later on over the mess of a fronter situation; “I feel so helpless,” “I don’t know how to protect you anymore,” etc. lynne showed up to comfort her and the two spoke for a while; laurie asked lynne to help her with this, specifically to “fight,” lynne said she would. I remember laurie saying “you know I love you, right?” lynne did hug her, asked permission first. Also at some point laurie asked lynne if she could have a shield too and lynne said absolutely. Later in the day they both DID protect the fronter from something and they both used shields to do so.

- someone promised retribution for all the careless/ misguided hacks lately; none of them have been recorded save for one, due to us really just trying not to think about that anymore. 50% it’s working and 50% it’s not. But we’re again wondering if tangible consequence would push our success rate further for the sake of showing the System-ignorant fronters that they can’t just do what they want. Problem is they EXIST to do those things; the psyche fractured INTO such abusive alters for God knows what reason, but because of that a lot of them firmly believe that “there IS nothing more to life than this.” Well Julie said that once, now look at her. Either way I think we desperately need a new approach to iron out the last massive obstacles here, which are surprisingly NOT malicious, just devastatingly tangled.

- Javier and cel were talking about their strong fronting rights in the morning too, both wondering if they should be more active AS fronters? Cel especially tearing up and saying “I’m going out and I’m not going back in” but, sadly, we don’t always have a “choice” due to triggers.

- jewel found her hat in the closet and came back FULL FORCE. So she stuck around for about 4 hours solid at least until we had to go to church. Clarification: Phantomilian Jewel is 10, this Jewel (the main one, tied to Dream World with NO RELATIONSHIPS) is about 11-12, the “first one in Heartspace” Jewel is 12-13 (she’s STILL around too and she’s STILL 100% in love with Rio), the “hyper” Jewel (original “spinningcannon”) is 14-15, Hoseki is 15-16? (Chaos seriously mellowed her out over time so thank God for that)… Then once we hit 17-18 the “Jewel bloodline” basically collapsed thanks to Spinny and then the line gender shifted in 2009 anyway so there haven’t been any new Jewels since then, although the title IS STILL USED to refer to the Cores, in a political sense so to speak. But yeah, when we say “Jewel” we mean the 2002 one. She’s solidly anchored into RED (her hair AND eyes changed to match; they were originally brown but she cant hold that anymore), as the main person of that color in what we THINK is the “Social Spectrum.” There are indeed multiple “Spectrums” which makes things far more coherent; we’re all in one System ultimately though. Anyway Jewel’s biggest role is the fact that she is the GAP BRIDGER; she has solid ties to BOTH Headspace and the Leagueworlds, and is able to work with both SIMULTANEOUSLY if need be. So that’s incredible. She IS teaching Jay Iridos how, we think.

- looking through old documents we realized that our art style is basically STUCK IN 2005 or so? which makes sense as our last “real artists” were out then (high school). Of course there have been massive improvements but the base look is obviously stuck. Jewel has been feeling a real push to do some ACTUAL artwork lately, to help us improve our skill, so god willing she’ll be allowed to. She just got out all our art supplies today (including razor’s cardstock) so hopefully we’ll see it all being used in the near future.

- we all agree it is time for a headspace-based fronter shift. It’s the right time of year anyway. The only way to instigate a permanent big shift is to DO SOMETHING BIG inside. Doesn’t necessarily have to be a reset attempt or bluescreen or psychological suicide. Although those do work the best due to their ties to death and rebirth. Anyway, we will see. Mark my words we ARE going to try something. This has been too shaken-up for too long; we need a clean-cut ending to this mess, to bring someone NEW and GOOD in, who is from HEADSPACE and who works with LIGHT. Jay tried but he was born at a BAD time and he became so dramatically splintered and fractured that he is having trouble just functioning as an individual. Jewel holds the CORRECT vibes for a system fronter—the RED-resonant courage and determination and righteous drive. WHITEs can be far too soft, too childlike, too innocent to realize when danger is happening. Reds always know and they FIGHT. They really are the ideal fronters as they are the most keyed-in to the physical besides Browns, but Browns don’t typically have strong ties to Headspace. Reds are ideal. So Jewel IS going to stick around but we don’t know. Cel was just saying how Lime is JUST as powerful a color and its EMPTY in Central, maybe that could work?? It’s another color that stands strong. We’re just worried about Javier because he’s been a target of the Plague for FAR too long and it’s crushing him. He needs to anchor deeper into his color before they knock him loose.

- bottom line is we ALL need to spend more time inside, and to heck with the outside drivel already, it’s killing us. We need to go back to the nightly walks IF POSSIBLE, its hard now with the family situation, theres no real privacy. If all else fails we do still have a gazelle machine in our room so hey. Walking is just better because we can carry weights at the same time. Anyway yes, definite time needs to be put aside for just “meditating” and going inside and WORKING on healing ourselves; we have not “just gone inside” in months probably and the lethality of that is obvious.

- exercised for an hour in the cold, couldn’t feel our feet afterwards. Xenophon hearing a Tokimonsta track and showing up to see how her dad was doing, assuming he was the one around. She stuck around as she likes to do, upped the vibe quite a bit. Went inside to have some ginger-peppermint tea and it was 11:11. chaos was singing “think of me” from phantom of the opera.

- cel was sobbing over her past at some point while we exercised, especially the fact that her first anchor plushie got absolutely corrupted by the Tar and turned into a hack device, so razor had to kill it. Cel has been such a target for corruption since the beginning, due to her ties to childhood purity, the outside world, AND the cores, making her a tripartite juggernaut that could potentially destroy everything if thoroughly destroyed herself. But cel is a fighter. She is one hell of a fighter and she always has been, and she will NEVER give up or back down, and thank god for that. But it breaks all of our hearts when we see just how broken hers is from all this war.

- eros was singing too???? Which is very new. i cannot remember what song, i am so sorry.

- “jay” becoming a generic name, being used too much now. The main “jay” is going by “iridos” now and his vibe syncs with it far more strongly. Wondering if his “Christmas self” is his safest manifestation? Says his “sparkly” forms are becoming too dangerous? Either too lenient or too cold. LOTS of risk holding a White slot, he was warned about this back in 2013, or at least one of him was.

- jay is also basically becoming a daemon of sorts??? He is spending tons of time with them in a nonhuman state and it’s feeling very natural to him.

- about daemons: Lethe said that daemons need “lots of love” to balance their dark nature? The unconditional sort. Also that love is “mandatory” in order for daemons to do that “cannibalism” thing of theirs (we need a nicer term for it).

- Emmett out to eat today, as well as that semi-manic girl fronter who is surprisingly coherent and who is working with laurie and spice to take better care of the body. We’re getting in the habit of telling all eaters “hey you DO know you share this body with 100 other people, right??” the good ones realize that everything they do or don’t do affects everyone else, and they are more careful (remember a lot of depressed/ careless alters only act that way because they don’t care about themselves; when someone else is paying the toll, they WILL shape up).

- we’re all VERY scared for both laurie and Infinitii; they are both slipping very badly. Laurie is getting these frightening whitish-gray patches on her skin and hair when she gets really stressed, Infinitii keeps melting into a mass of eyes & teeth and losing form coherence in general. God why do the bad guys ALWAYS target the ones who love the most. It’s not fair.



Forgot to mention…

- yesterday, the purple social with the dreads, in the car. Name is “Joachim” or “Joaquin”? main resonance with the “wakeem” part, specifically the “oua” beginning sound?
Feelings of “fear” about being “newborn” and not always understanding what to do, how to “be out” at all. Lots of the fear being “floating fear” though? Like its from others, its not actually something one feels themselves, it’s being unconsciously picked up. We did clarify that to him and he was able to tap into the peace beyond it. Laurie also told him to “tune into his core?” the colored-light at the heart center, the piece of a nousfoni that resonated with all the others. Very very interesting, profoundly reassuring intuitive visuals from that.

- found some photos of spinzor from 2009. I swear it is shocking how EVIDENT the switches are from year to year.


it’s 12:24 again, I swear that happens every day.

this computer setup is destroying my arm, its awful. I need to quit, bye.

 

 

 

Hey guess what.
Central is FULL.
I just realized I didn't announce that yet; I'm so sorry!
But it's TRUE and that's INCREDIBLE and it feels so different. It's nice, it's just... a strangely nice change. It feels oddly serene, now-- whole, and calm, but powerful, and confident. Like it's now so secure in its own inherent strength that it is no longer afraid, and it can just be, as it is, complete. Collectively I think that feeling is starting to catch, too.

I personally walked Sherlock into Central; despite being our main data-talker (and he's always out in therapy to infodump as needed) the man is surprisingly reserved and somewhat self-effacing when someone gives him direct attention, or especially when his importance to us is noticed/ highlighted (Garrison is similar really). So when I told him "dude, you're effectively being called into Central," as a result of that significance being actively recognized and requested to rise to such a role of honor... he got a little flustered, haha. He didn't refuse, not at all, he was just hesitant as all heck about actually stepping into the position.
Remember that for anyone to officially move into Central, they have to step into the literal Spectrum Loop (in the BLC). I have no concrete name for it yet, but you know what I mean (I hope)-- it's this ring of colored platforms, all lit up, and at least 20, 30 feet long... it's the physical manifestation of the Core slots in the Spectrum. And whenever someone who isn't 'born' into Central moves into Central, they have to "lock in" that fact by stepping onto that color platform (there's a big "stability beam" of light radiating up from each one, it's really pretty) and seeing whether or not the Spectrum itself accepts them. (If it doesn't-- meaning they aren't the right person for the job, yet or at all-- it will gently push them back off onto the floor.)
Anyway, Sherlock made up his mind, finally being so close, and stepped in. He was accepted immediately, and the feeling was both tangible and gracious-- like the Spectrum had been waiting for him to finally say yes to that request, and now that he did, it was genuinely happy about it.
To quote myself from earlier today: "seeing Sherlock take to it was really moving to me; he's always so stoic but there was such joy in that settling in to such a big role." He honestly took off his glasses and just smiled, at nothing in particular really, at least nothing visible.
I called Eros in shortly after, realizing he hadn't settled in yet either-- which is notable because he's been shuffled in and out of that slot for at LEAST a solid year now. Problem is, he kept getting corrupted, or slipping, or something similar; for a while no one was quite sure who he really was in respect to all the ones similar to him, before him. But now he's concrete, believe me when I say we all recognize him now, and we know when it's not him. He's a purely benevolent guy and his job is VITAL; honestly I would not have survived the past two weeks if it weren't for him stepping in completely out of the blue and effectively motivating me to get back into the fight, so to speak. That needs its own entry. But yeah, once he saw Sherlock he smiled elatedly and practically jumped into the Cerise beam (he took off his cape halfway through a run and just dumped it on the floor in front of it). It took him a little longer to settle; I could feel some "double-checking" in the process, as I guess the System wanted to see if he was safe of straggling Tar/Plague first before confirming him as our Cerise guy at long last. That's notable too-- he was accepted, but it felt tentative? Like there's "clearing out" that needs to happen in that color BEFORE he can solidly hold it? Not much, but just enough to make it too unstable to be working 100% yet. Kind of like when Julie first moved into Pink, which is extremely fitting. So we'll keep you posted.

...Chaos and Cel are both in Central now, too, with equally unusual (and beautiful) acceptances. It's odd; I've never seen the Spectrum "say" that to Centralites before. It's like, "you are chosen for this role, and I accept you... BUT you have work to do first, to refine yourselves and your roles, before you will be able to fully represent this Color." Does that make sense?
Even so their acceptances felt profound. There is no other word. Their roles are huge for many reasons, many of which aren't clear or fully realized yet. But both of them, both of them are just... in their own distinct ways, they move me. Two different emblems of something ineffably wondrous.
I have a lot to say about those two in any case. I just have absolutely no time tonight. I'll type up something tomorrow, I promise.


Here, this song moved me to tears earlier so have a listen. (The last minute is particularly lovely.)


This body is profoundly tired today so I can't stay up much longer to type; I'll say more tomorrow.

 

Today we went to our cousin's birthday party, an hour out of town (he's 40), and we didn't have to drive! So we got to sit back in a quiet car and watch the foggy woods go by for a while, it felt like heaven, it was so peaceful. We needed that.
It was a little scary at the party because there was a lot of noise and there was nothing the body could eat, which would normally be fine, except we were an hour away from home and we were fasting as usual. But we managed. (Unfortunately we didn't get to eat at all until 8PM, that habit needs to change soon.) Still it was nice to see all our cousins; some of them we haven't seen in over a year. All the kids are getting so big, it's great.

 

Speaking of kids. Xenophon's birthday was yesterday, she's FOUR already, that's incredible too.
I made her kale soup as always (she rode piggyback on my shoulders in the store as I bought the ingredients, telling me what to get, it was adorable), it's tradition. Plus, my mum just happened to bring clementines home the same day, so that worked out perfectly.
I don't recall if I've mentioned it here but I've been making extra effort in recent weeks to spend a LOT more time with Xenophon, just in general. It took a bit of nerve, oddly-- just like Sherlock in Central-- because although I want desperately to see her more often, it is an awful strain to constantly have to "double up" attention between downstairs and upstairs, when she's ghosting and I'm the only one who knows. So she's taken to ghosting and being quiet, or insisting I don't need to talk to her all the time, she just wants to be there. Which means a lot to me. I'm so worried I'm not trying hard enough and my/our own frailties in the social respect make it tough in the first place, I don't want her to feel unwanted or intrusive. She's understanding though, she always is, I am so blessed to have her in my life. I still try to be as gentle as I can, all the time, and I always try to go the extra mile whenever I can. I wouldn't dream of doing any less for her.

Geez I don't know. Sometimes I wonder, what with things like seeing the cousins today... what sort of future are we going to build here?
I know what I'd like, I know what my heart really wants, but... I really think it's something we'll have to have along with whatever we have downstairs. Which is kind of sad in some ways?
I have to laugh. Back in the old journals, like around 2003-2004, that Jewel went to these cousins' weddings, and her joke was always "I'm not getting married BUT I still love Ryman & Markus a lot," or later, "I'm not getting married BUT if I HAD to..." and then the question would be whether Chaos would want to wear a dress or a suit or whatever else. It's cute but it's also a little painful, to realize that we didn't think we had another option if we loved someone that much. We "had" to do everything the traditional way.
I think it lingers. I see my cousin and his two kids, in their new house up in the lovely woods, all fog and snow and trees... and I wonder. If I had to settle down... could I? If it was with them? And I don't know, because it's presented as such an ideal, but "settling down" never felt quite right for me. Sure, have a home to go to, but my heart still wants to fly. That's what Cel is tied to, that's the odd thing that's been shining in her lately, the REAL her, the one still inexplicably tied to not only me but also Dream World AND Pokemon alike, to our childhood and to our adult years. She's such a powerful unknown right now... but that feeling is so strong in her. The smell of spring, the color of the new buds on the trees, the feeling of the breeze promising new life and freedom. Joy, boundless joy. It makes me think of this poem.
But that's what I mean. My deepest loves are friendships at heart; tremendously affectionate things, intimately honest, with no chains. And I want to run with the people I love. I want to take them by the hand and see the world... that feeling, that feeling that defines Dream World, of running across flowered hills and looking down at cities stretched below, at blue cloud-blessed sky stretching above, the light and clear sparkle of life in the air... that's what I want.
But I also want to be able to have a life here, with them. Here, in this world, where we have a body still, and we need to eat and rest and work and all those other difficult things. Even here in this world, where we struggle with a physical form and face, I want to share it with them.
It hit me about an hour into the cousin's birthday party that I was unplugged from headspace and felt totally dislocated. I called Laurie as we were driving into town and I swear I felt her arms around me, reassuring me she hadn't left. It took a moment for the gravity of that statement to sink in.

It's late, what am I doing, we have to be up at 9 tomorrow.

I've been trying to type on Dream World for about three days straight but it is overwhelming because there are so many unorganized notes and although they're all relevant & vital to the plot and/or the "worldbuilding blueprints" behind it, there is SO much sheer data.
I'm working on the Prophet/Seer section currently, taking it a bit at a time. I've been feeling a lot of love towards people like Deropélé and Ementain and Opal lately, so that works out.


Seriously though it is 1AM again and we need sleep more than anything else at the moment. See you tomorrow.

 

 

 

 

okay I apologize if this is an utter mess but I need to write this down now, because I will not remember it in the morning.


11:30pm. hack attempts. cannon screaming in car. her shouting hurt terribly, mentally and physically. then went on porch to try and find quiet, but she was still screaming, threatening, insults. very loud. then laurie showed up, they were fighting? it's blurry. anyway I know for a fact that julie showed up, extremely distraught, began angrily asking why this was happening. who in the world was causing hack attempts again, and why?? again I'm sorry but I can't remember much of this, just visuals and vibe. cannon asked her why she was "dressing like a two-penny whore" (julie still wears minimal clothing) and julie just straightened up, gave her a stern look and said that she was dressing how she felt comfortable, and that only cannon was calling her a whore. she strongly added that no one deserved to be called such things based on their dress; it was completely unwarranted, and in truth only spoke as to the inner opinions and vision of the one using the term. anyway cannon backed off at this, I think faded out? because then next thing I recall is laurie and julie sitting down, discussing the situation, trying to pinpoint just who was responsible, who was just letting hack attempts happen without caring or fighting?
I mentioned the numb-gray voice that's been fronting for weeks, said it was "so tired" all the time it literally just did what it was told to do. like the AP but not robotic; this one was absolutely resigned and just wanted total nothingness. it wasn't fighting off hack attempts because it had no strength or motivation to do so; it just gave up and then hackers took over.
somewhere around here laurie said something a little too flippantly, julie jumped up and told her to stop acting like that. "I miss the old you." saying laurie was losing her edge, she was slipping. surprisingly laurie agreed, said that her new tendency to laugh everything off was a "different set of walls," and it was "making her color gray out." julie vehemently agreed, said laurie needed to be fierce again, unflinching, and not tolerating of the things she was now just mocking or brushing aside. she had to be a knight again, she had to get her brutality back because without it her function was failing. ultimately laurie did tap into this and her color notably clarified, it scared me a little to think that she had been falling somewhat. I'll admit I'd been terrified too and she'd been feeling too strange lately but I had been too doubtful of "whether or not this was better" to speak up. again, due to the numbness.

anyway on that note I think they asked me to look for the numb voice then, so they could deal with it somehow. all I know for sure is that I tried, and felt that gray voice move in almost immediately. laurie reached forwards and yanked it out, upstairs it manifested as an almost ghostly form-- no real body, just misty white in a humanoid shape.
I think julie was yelling at it, no idea. it was unstable and kept catching vibes of other 'bodiless' voices so laurie was trying to keep it solid but it was getting violent. then, at some point javier showed up! that was a surprise. he was very angry, actually pushed laurie back and grabbed that spectre by the throat, demanding what it was trying to prove, etc. shockingly it grinned and immediately turned into jezebel?? javier let go in surprise, there was tar on his hand. laurie tried to zap it off but javier said no, then summoned flames up and down his arms, burnt it away. but jezebel kept attacking, getting more on him than he could handle. laurie was holding her off the best she could, but then she shouted for infi's help.
ze showed up immediately in a very shocking manner; sort of a full-room "coalescing" vibe, wings wide and angry. grabbed all the tar off javier, split it into three throwing daggers and flung them at jezebel. pinned her to the wall! she grinned, that was of course only temporary, and pulled them out in order to be able to move again. however those few seconds were all infi needed-- ze instantly became this monstrous thing of crystal teeth and eyes, loomed over her. jezebel actually looked afraid, but she then laughed and turned into a semi-humanoid mess of tangled tar, tried to infect hir. but infi said (voice sounded VERY different) that she could not corrupt hir, and in an instant ze chomped down on the jezebel-tar thing. that caused the tar to break and then splash as neutralized black energy; the immediate conversion was clearly visible.
jezebel was still fighting, trying to infect hir still (if enough pure tar got into infi at once it would indeed be a problem), but then infi did something unusual. maybe via hir teeth, when ze bit again, all the black energy began to pop and crackle in this bright white explosions? picture several flashbulbs going off at once, with a sound like fireworks. this caused the black energy to be totally flipped to white energy on the spot. jezebel stopped fighting, left nothing but the tar, infi kept eating it. again every single bite caused the white light pops, even as ze swallowed it. once the tar was totally converted to white energy, infi changed hir form a bit again, huge mouth, snakelike. coughed up one huge crystal (hexagon? hit floor and barely even rolled; very heavy), then did a lot of almost convulsive form-warping to spit out another, slightly bigger one. infi then reverted back to normal I assume-- for some reason, as infi was coughing up the second crystal, I completely 'tuned out' of headspace. no idea why; I can't remember.

the next thing I can remember is infi kneeling in front of me, asking if I was okay. I was sitting on the ground and feeling incredibly dazed. javier and laurie were behind hir, julie standing a little behind them. I can't remember if I said anything.

anyway, long story short, infinitii decided to try to "tear" the foggy gray voice 'into' me, instead of out-- so it would take my place in the upstairs body (that can happen for cores, only them though). that way it would stay stable and maybe they could talk to it. I know for sure that nathaniel was called in to 'hold me down,' to be an extra stabilizing force. so he knelt to my right and held my shoulders.
well anyway the first attempt or three didn't work entirely. infi reached into my chest field and pulled out this stringy-gray (like actual tangled string) energy mass, looked somewhat confused at this. no matter what it wasn't clearing out though. I still felt awful inside. anyway I was already massively dissociated so infi pulled me half-out of the body (reached way back in and yanked). I immediately lost body senses-- I was now floating in some vague position 'within' the body field, but I was technically not in the body anymore. however no one else was fully in it, and I was stuck somehow. not a clean break in any case.
then after a moment of consideration, infi apologized, flared hir wings and shoved me out, with a double-handed push to the chest. it had massive force. flung me back into 'levelless' white space (straight out of that headspace level!). I hit a wall with my back and then fell forwards to floor, on my knees. crystal shards fell scattered around me? like broken glass. anyway the impact helped too, as I felt disconnected but clear now, except for my head, which still had that tarry fog feeling.
realized there was this wand-shaped crystal going straight through my skull, from the center of my forehead back to the base of my cerebellum? slight angle. this scared me, but I tried to calm down, wanted it out. remembered that inner imagery is very important, figured this was symbolizing some sort of plagued 'frozen' effect on my third eye or something. but it was definitely showing me a big problem.
I think I called leon. either way, he showed up, to my left. I couldn't quite talk, so I indicated the problem. he moved in front of me, then carefully pulled the crystal out. some residue got on his hands from it? looked like silver skidmarks. I think the crystal crumbled. he burned it off with a flare of indigo energy points, the white residue fell off softly like snowflakes. I thought that was fitting.
then leon placed one hand on both 'holes' in my head, said that needed to be 'flushed out.' he considered calling someone but neither of us knew who, so after a moment of hesitant anxiety he decided he'd do it; after all he was the best man for the job. so through his hands, he began filling the hole in my head with indigo light.
as he did, I saw the energy filling my vision downstairs, this gorgeous hue, but all sparkly dots slowly filling my head and my eyes. there was a moment of fear and awe; "this is real. this is actually happening." I pushed the fear aside, focused on the feeling of healing. very peaceful, grateful.
leon said we needed to 'cover up' the holes? essentially said it couldn't be left wide open like that or dangerous things could get in; it'd be 'too open.' I had a sudden mental image of a bandage on my forehead like naota from flcl, didn’t question it, felt relevant.
leon then asked, couldn't I keep power jewels on all the time? I said yeah, probably (I think eros had the set in the past). leon said I should, if I could. that would help immensely.

I could feel they wanted me back upstairs but couldn't get back myself. leon said he'd warp me back, so he did. laurie immediately asked how he got there, leon briefly mentioned the mind's-eye thing. then he saw nat to my right and smiled so genuinely, greeted him. and I got this huge flash that 'that was important.'

on that note, I was still super-dazed so memory is bad. but I clearly remember that leon ended up back in front of me, and I wasn't in the body?? he was talking to the numb gray voice!!! (which was responding to the name 'fogbank?' at least temporarily)
it was actually very upset about this topic? it kept trying to leave, to unplug the entire inner vision from headspace and 'numb out,' but although its influence was surprisingly powerful, infi wouldn't let it leave; kept pulling it back in. we asked it why it was so exhausted, why was it so loathe to perceive the inner world, why was that so tiring for it? leon added something to that question, asked if that feeling was tied to the 'floating voices?' it said yes, that was especially exhausting, but then it explained why. apparently this gray voice was terrified that, if it did open up its third eye in truth (leon said it was closed in fear), that it would be "obligated" to become a channel and nothing more. it would then be required to become nothing but a conduit for floating voices, for angels or aliens or whoever, to do nothing but become their mouthpiece. it felt that, if it became aware of such beings outside of itself, then it HAD to sacrifice any and all feelings of individuality, of having a body, of being a person. it needed to become "totally selfless." it saw no other option, and it was so tired, it just numbed out rather than face that "inescapable fate" that it said would happen IF it tuned back into intuitive knowing and things.
laurie spoke up here, said that's exactly how the child fronters thought. they existed ONLY for the leagueworlds; they lived to write and draw, and that was it. only the dawn of headspace forced a 'sense of self' to truly develop, and that occurrence has long been seen as a sort of "original sin" by many downstairs voices in the system. anyway leon added that there was nothing wrong with individuality, but even in his saying that I could feel a massive denial from the mind. it didn't believe him and was afraid to; it still strongly believed that "only total selflessness was good." at that, either laurie or javier said that's why headspace is being ignored; we're all facets of self, we're all individualized parts of soul, and according to that old moral code we shouldn't exist, because that very individualization was "wrong."
right around then leon moved his hands on the body's head again, filling it with indigo light. he looked upset and sad, but began telling the gray voice that this was what real intuition felt like; it wasn't barking orders, it wasn't constant stress, it wasn't fear. he then said "it's this," and actually kissed my forehead where it had been impaled. instantly there was this slow bloom of compassion from somewhere down in the chest, deep indigo color.
leon continued talking to it. he said that if you hold fear, you see fear. if you hold love, you see love. therefore the fogbank voice, as long as it was quietly terrified of what it might see, would never be able to see us in that mindset. but by the same token, it didn't ever have to be afraid of us. we would never treat it like the floating voices would. ultimately at the end of whatever he was saying he paused and then deliberately kissed its forehead again. right then, whoever was speaking through the body changed. like the fogbank voice couldn't hold that feeling so strongly. this new voice felt like pieces of someone forming, or trying to anchor. but it spoke to leon for a bit, repeating back that same train of thought, so leon's eyes lit up as he realized that whoever was in the body now understood.
however, the most notable bit about it was, right before it left (it was fading fast), it was holding this feeling of water internally? like an actual space, inside the chest cavity, this indigo-blue deep water in a very mosque-like room. both leon and nat caught attention, infi too due to the architecture. leon was excitedly talking about it, saying "that is what I meant" as far as energy vibes go, asked where that water was? infi said it was definitely not the chthonic water; that was very different (I think javier said something about it). and yet both those waters were "held" in that space in the body: within the ribs.
so that on top of leon's compassion made us suddenly realize the most important thing: the mind and the heart NEED to be linked. especially in order for intuition to work right at ALL.
I also remember, after that realization, leon ended up embracing nat in tears, really sincerely. I overheard him say "I love you" and I realized that was the first time I'd heard him say it in front of other people. nevertheless nat responded to him in kind. the whole thing was deeply moving personally.

power jewels were again mentioned somewhere around here. I couldn't get any to manifest though; instead there was this really bright flash like a lightbulb blowing out and it hurt, I apologized. felt like my forehead was charred. leon said he was sorry, didn't mean to make me feel like I had to force anything. I said I was just surprised I couldn't get the old ones to work anymore.

something happened here; I 'shorted out' mentally due to overstrain and the SPECTRUM started talking on the mind-heart topic instead?? everyone shut up quick, that’s like having god suddenly send you a telegram. I am so sorry but I forget its exact words, because since my body has to be technically empty for that to happen, the plague crept in fast. it was talking about the fogbank voice at the time; said it was allegedly a Gray slot holder? but which slot we didn't know. anyway I clearly remember the Plague asking if the fogbank voice was the true gray core, as a neutralizer. it then asked if Sherlock was "neutral or not" but that felt accusatory and proud. anyway we felt the switch, upon which infi ran over, and fiercely got it out of my body (easy as it was the only thing in there)-- ze threw it across the room I think. all I really remember is seeing this huge evil-feeling crystal mass over to the right, laurie quickly asked infi if he could purify it, ze said "I could but it’s not easy; that's jay's job." well I was still stuck in interim space but I was not going to slack off. so I focused as hard as I could and willed myself into the crystals. laurie saw this, shouted "jay what the hell are you doing" and got out her axe. but i wasnt scared (too floaty to be so) and i quickly sent out a burst of light to fill the crystals, and held it like a glow. that clarity defused the plague, it was gone; I was now inside the crystals. they collapsed all at once like flour or snow, I was some sort of amorphous shape in the middle, rather dazed. everyone ran over, infi first, ze took my face in hir hands and pressed our foreheads together, I felt ze was overwhelmed with relief. ze then asked me if I was okay, but that action basically white-washed my mind with content bliss, so I couldn't respond. laurie was worried at my silence, but infi smiled and assured her that I was fine-- basically, since i wasn't responding in words to that action, that was a good sign. if i hadn't been so affected by hir sincerity then there would be a problem.
I was very tired, slipping a bit. infi embraced me then, head to my chest and wings around me. everyone resumed the conversation while I just soaked up the positive vibes finally and held the consciousness stable.
on that note, as we spoke we realized that the fogbank voice actually has a VERY important role if used right-- it keeps the mind from being too overwhelmed?


archivists showed up; opened ceiling gate and jumped down (left it open for light).
I cannot remember when or why, just that they were a massive help for the current topic.
I do know they were talking about the water from before-- water in and of itself was important. I remember thinking of cz, knew there had to be some sort of link. garrison said, rather brightly, "chaos zero has had a profound impact on the aqua slot," despite him now being in the White spectrum (due to outspacers finally moving entirely).
someone asked if aqua was still tied to "devotion and fortitude," garrison said that was still being checked. isadora said that definitely fit him; he was utterly devoted to his work and the service of others. garrison agreed like she had just stated the weather; a nod and a 'well of course,' as if not being so devoted was unthinkable. I think isadora said, maybe aqua is tied to 'selflessness' of the right sort? garrison wondered momentarily, then animatedly drew up the aqua slot hexagon in the air, began comparing that to its other holders.
minty, our sleeper, works as a messenger and comforter. her whole job is helping other people. einsatz is mute but a musician, who lets himself 'be devoured by' the music (as isadora said) so he can share that same absolute wonder of it with others. emmett and tobiko are both e.d. voices who make sure the body doesn't get sick, and deal with maintenance to alleviate any sickness that may occur. both also deal(t) with the purgation issue, which although a failsafe measure, is still problematic and depressing-- and which takes a lot of guts and selflessness to hold as a job.
so yeah that might work for aqua. anyway the core is still unknown.

i remember that as garrison was finding stuff out, kalisha was writing it all down on a big clipboard pad, as she did it went into the data archives? that was awesome to see.

isadora has this ability to "pull things out of thin air," both with ideas and also in the way people kept pulling stuff and people out of me earlier. apparently she has a powerful knack for it.
I know she DID pull something/someone out of me at one point, but for the life of me I cannot remember what.

someone called sherlock in. he was "below" our space, he seemed reticent to come up at first but did. opened a gate like a door and walked through it. the other archivists actually bowed a little in respect when he showed up.
(I keep getting this weird feeling that sherlock heard the plague accusation earlier but that doesn't fit temporally; I'm probably getting something confused. I apologize for any inaccuracy as a result; I'll fix this later if my memory cooperates.)


in light of the individuality thing, sherlock did point out that's what causes "name mixups" among partners in headspace usually. like I'll accidentally call nat 'leon,' etc. sherlock said it's because when people's energy gets that close, that it blurs a little? and so on some level of consciousness they're recognized as 'one being' in a sense. kind of like a smaller manifestation of how we are as a system.


I think we started discussing colors again then.
anyway, ultimately I remember javier telling nat and leon what red energy's 'role' felt like; he said it was tied to the raw joy of life? it was the feeling of existing, of residing in a physical form, of being a living being. it was like the feeling of blood in the veins, of creating art with your bare hands. like a fire inside. he was excited and wrapped up in describing it, although struggling to find fitting words. but really he was radiating the essence so we got it.
he then asked spine to describe what brown energy was like, because that was a totally different sort of grounding. spine paused, then said it was like the earth, like stone under the earth. it was silent and solitary, but it was strong, and it knew and cared for all the 'red' life that it supported. she said it was the bones in the body, like her; it was a foundation, not holding the passion of red but instead holding a sort of calm power. again the vibe was crystal-clear from her. also the whole time she spoke (deliberately, with slightly broken language) lynne was giving her this look of total proud affection and admiration. spine looked at her once and since I was a 'floating awareness' then I saw it, and it was so clear.

someone asked lynne what orange was like? "was it tied to femininity as a whole"? the conversation got kind of convoluted, lynne said she was originally reddish but it was more cerise, and then julie asked "is that what the cerise slot is like?" lynne said she didn't know, I think javier asked what the difference was between pink and cerise. julie said we weren't sure, but she began describing what pink felt like-- it was soft and light, like cotton candy and flower petals, totally soothing but affectionate. very light! while cerise had a sort of denseness to it.
mulberry and jeremiah showed up then, had felt the resonance (that's typical). jeremiah smiled and walked over to sit by javier, just seeing him look so simply happy really lit me up.
mulberry talking about her role, kind professionalism. some confusion here as there's no cerise core yet and mulberry has had role trouble. I remember sherlock was helping her out on that topic though (they are buddies after all).
someone said cerise felt like 'femininity plus masculinity,' like a balance?
jeremiah spoke up to support that; said his job was that of a protector to the children, to take away all pain from them. it was a 'masculine' role; he had to be strong, tough, unflinching, unafraid. and yet he also had to be 'feminine' for the children-- compassionate, empathetic, soft, nurturing. his job required a balance of both in harmony. this fit mulberry, too.
so that's the main difference between cerise and pink; both hold femininity but cerise has a "punch" to it

lynne finally got to talk about orange in light of that. again reiterated her role wasn't just femininity. her role was literally becoming the sort of person our core could never be: a woman who loved what she was, who loved her life and could live it in total joyous strength. that feeling was very 'orange' really

jo said yellow was more exuberant, fiercely independent in a personal sense. orange was more 'mellow' and dealt with interactions; it was more community oriented essentially. 'personable' vs 'personal'
waldorf spoke up for a while then. said blue was tied to communication, but she had started off as a sort of 'literary muse'-- a being who held bits and pieces of every source that inspired jewel's work style. but that was communication too; people put their ideas out there into the world, fearlessly, not being afraid of their own voice. and others listened, and shared in it. waldorf was saying that's kind of like blue was like? both the speaking and the listening; like this sharp inner awareness within a sense of calm?
she used the phrase "truth in technology" at one point, I caught an allusion to her techno-trees from yesterday before she went on.
she also mentioned the scratched-disc necklace, not only was that an outside borrow (xilats), but in a way it did fit her role? she got a bit angry/upset, I remember her saying "hindsight is 20/20" and she was one of the oldest headvoices in the system. so she knew what people kept trying to "rewind" to, and it wouldn't work. too much had happened, too much had grown, and it was beautiful. you can't try to reset everything to live in a false projected "everything is perfect" ideal. waldorf said that wasn't the truth, and it was effectively a desire to "erase the story that was written" or something. a blackout of communication, a total lack of listening to truth. really blue is quite complex! there's no real "roots" to the color, shockingly, not yet at least. it's rich but vague. garrison agreed; said the only other confirmed blue is "nienna," who also deals with communication.
(the gent was not mentioned, which garrison realized with shock later; this may be because he's still arguably a fragment, totally faceless. nevertheless unintentional skips must always be taken seriously.)


concerns about color slippage.
MAJOR warnings to laurie, from sherlock notably. julie backed him up on this again. laurie didn't disagree at all, promised to do better, sincerely.
lynne saying laurie was "whitening" too much, but she herself was getting "too dark?" there was too much negativity getting thrown into the feminine idea, and it was catching her badly.
julie got very upset about this again, I remember her wringing her hands in her hair and trying not to cry from anger.


I cannot remember how all this ended.
my brother came out onto the porch while lynne was speaking at one point, so suddenly there was light and noise, and I had to move inside. when I did I realized it was 12:30 and, now that I was up and moving, that the body was massively tired. so I jumped back inside for a few minutes, we all agreed that I had better go write this all down before it started to fade (total consciousness level switch!) and here I am.

now honestly it is 2 hours after that and I cannot think. so this is what we've got. hope it works!
much love to all my system mates I love you guys so much

 

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

@ 03:46 am

oh. almost forgot to post this earlier.

today i went outside and i never wanted to go back inside.
the sunlight was so warm, the leaves are starting to fall, the air is wonderful. it's heaven.
i forgot how good pine sap smells. it got all over my hands.
i went and stood by the lilac tree, put my hands on a branch, felt so much life in it. i was really humbled by that. everything outside is so tangibly alive. i miss it terribly, getting buried in it all.
of course i said hello to my favorite cherry tree, i love it so. i hugged it and realized that its bark smells really lovely too. not something you can put into words at all.
stood on the lawn for a while and watched the sun go down. i keep wanting to drink sunlight. like i am literally only ever hungry for light or sound anymore. the other day i actually tried to drink the sunset like gaudior drinks moonlight. it surprised me when i couldnt do so actually. kind of heartbreakingly frustrating when things dont line up like that.
but i will need to start going outside for at least a solid hour every day again. i need to. i have to, it's too nice


the only problem dear is be careful, you forget everything else.
you get so lost in the trees that you forget to live. you want to stand on that lawn forever and never go back to being a person.
definitely go outside, sure. definitely immerse yourself in that love. but be careful.
that massive dissociation caused some massive hack attempts this evening, which you wouldn't know about. but please be careful.


...
jay here. it's 3:25am and i am listening to this and i need to write this down.
last night. i went to sleep around this same time and cz was there, as always. he was mostly asleep though due to the time.
but... i forget what i said. i remember feeling sad because emotions are still tricky. i wondered why he was always there, i asked him don't you have anywhere else to be?
his eyes were barely open, one arm around my shoulder. he said no. i asked why.
...he said i was his home. literally, "because you're my home."
i laughed at first. what do you mean, i'm your home, what about the emerald shrine? what about the places where you were long before you met me? you belong there more, surely. why aren't they your home, even now?
and he just said, "because home is where the heart is."
...
he wasn't even looking at me. he was barely even awake. and yet isn't that when we're the most honest?
my eyes drifted down to that ruby and i failed to hold back a sob, only to have it come out as "i love you." it ached.
and he just smiled. "i love you too." eyes still closed. but i could see him clear as day.
i miss that.
i miss all of this, and i hate this lie of a void in my heart, this hollow emptiness brazenly standing in front of everything and pretending that there's nothing behind it.
but the air has the scent of the ocean, of the rain, of the river, always, always. and even if it makes no fucking sense you can't lie to me. it's there. and it has never not been there.

the night before, his eyes were green in the dark again. undeniable. i still don't know how to explain that.
genesis was there i think. infi was with us on friday. laurie is always nearby.

you know laurie keeps teasing me about the kissing thing and i know it's because she's got walls up
she knows the real reason. it's because i can't do something that intimate with someone unless there is sincere trust there.
laurie has seen me at my worst. she's seen me bleed. she's seen me die.
and she's seen my brightest days, too. all the love and light and hope.
well guess what, i want to have that level of personal understanding and compassion with everyone in the system.
i want that sort of bond of trust between me and everyone else.
some people are really close to laurie's level already. we've seen enough of each other, enough rawness, enough genuine life, to have enough genuine, pure love between us by now. the sort of love that erases fear, that makes you completely comfortable and reverent around the other person.
i don't know why laurie is slipping. it breaks my heart. is she still scared of being used? was this a failed failsafe?
i don't know but i will talk to her. everyone. i want and need to. daily priority, all of them. they're my life. they're my life.
i want to kiss everyone in the system because i adore them and damn it i don't want any walls up between anyone at this point. i don't want to feel this stupid downstairs hesitation and self-doubt around them. there is no need to be afraid. none.
this is what leon was talking about. guess what he's the first headvoice i kissed besides laurie, no surprise.
but i can't joke about this either. i wish there was better, more delicate language. stuff untainted by tar.
maybe we just need to scrub it out. or realize that the tar was just put there. it's not part of it.
well infi's watching me now, i better go upstairs. ze says i should get some sleep but also that i should stop talking about this for now before i overthink it. good idea.

anyway i am so sorry boss for going to sleep at 4am, things were just all over the place today, you know weekends.
we'll do better tomorrow. we always do. i love that about us.

i love everything about this, who am i kidding
good and bad
it's all part of the kaleidoscope
this paradox of stained-glass color and shadow
of light and dark and beautiful broken pieces
and i am madly in love with it.


have a good morning.

♥

 

 

 

(no time to write a coherent entry right now; I have an hour of internet and this NEEDS to be recorded in some way!)



...Remember the connections from the past two mornings, those divine hours hovering between the dreamworld and the waking.

Yesterday it was just Chaos and I (that "just" is hilariously incongruous), at around 8 in the morning... I don't even know how it began. Maybe it didn't even have a "beginning;" maybe it was just a natural expression of something brilliant that is always there, suddenly rising to a zenith. All I know is that I woke up feeling more love than I'd dared to remember in a long time, and nothing in the world could silence it.
(SPECTRUM HALO LOOP??? VERY IMPORTANT!!)



I remember how today began, though. I woke up from a dream I can't remember, feeling "off" and more than a little unbalanced. There was so much noise in the house, all around me. So, seeking reprieve, I went back upstairs to be with Chaos.

(tar trying to get at me, i felt a TON of blocks. in concern i asked if we could visit infinitii, chaos said sure, we went into the bubble.
infi greeted us and, shortly after, REACHED INTO my energy field to try and take out blocks. he took out a huge "string" of it (like the other day) and ate it, but kept searching afterwards, said a few were off. i asked if he could fix it, he said he could try if i wanted.
long story short, i decided now would be the opportune time to try and get a triple-link going with infi AND chaos. i asked them both and they said it was fine, it would probably help a lot.
it. was. insane.
infinitii can apparently "move" or alter inner energy in a limited way; he kept "orchestrating" the link by literally supercharging the merge drive for chaos and i, which was maddeningly powerful, let me tell you! but then he tied himself in, and geez it was crazy. this kept going for a while until infi told me to "bring up the spectrum ring" again, so i did, and then he told us to all stand in different "corners" of it-- i think i was near pink/violet, chaos was at blue/teal, and infi was by orange/yellow. then infi told chaos and i to start going "around" the ring energetically, linking everyone together metaphysically as well. infi was just acting as a director or anchor, i guess. however, when we finished this, i was suddenly acutely aware of a small energetic "white ring" glowing in my heartspace, and told infi. he smiled and said that was perfect, hold on to it. i did, and then infinitii moved the three of us back together into a link. it was incredibly powerful by now, which was making it hard to keep everything focused because of just how MUCH energy was being moved about. i told infi this, but he assured me it was fine. then he told chaos and i to now focus on the spectrum as a whole. we did, and then infi told me to "project" the white ring over it, like an overlay. i did, but by this time my entire perception of headspace was different-- i was both at the very core of it, AND completely outside/around it. so it felt as if i was "looking down" at these rings from an omniscient perspective, although i was very aware that this entire "halo" was being held inside me. now infi and chaos were both pretty much out of commission-- i swear we were all "melting together" at this point-- but i was getting a VERY strong push in my heart to do something on my own. so i "reached out" mentally and moved the spectrum ring to surround the three of us, like a planetary ring. then i started "condensing" the spectrum down in size, through us, smaller and smaller, to reach a pinpoint center at the center of us. however this was obviously driving the energy levels THROUGH THE ROOF; even i have never felt something so strong before! infi and chaos were falling into it, but i spoke up, saying that we needed to all focus together, to bring this all together. infi smiled and simply stated "bless this," which is what i always say during connections now; it keeps the tar away. chaos agreed, and now we were all moving this energy ring inward. as we did so, it felt like spacetime around us was moving with it, with all light and color swirling within the ring, with only a blank but benevolent blackness around us (possibly thanks to being inside the bubble at this time). (REMEMBER THE TAIJITU WITH THE GEM AT THE MIDDLE-- infi had us form this with our energy as it condensed) i was practically dying by now, but i focused as much love as i possibly could in this tiny point, and with one last intent, compressed it to the densest, smallest possible point.
then there was the big bang.
i SWEAR it was as if an entire universe had just been born. it literally EXPLODED out in some sort of shining rainbow wave, re-coloring and illuminating everything so much brighter. at the same time it felt as if new years fireworks had just gone off in my ribcage; i've never felt something like that from a connection, like being made of rainbow static. to my surprise, i opened my eyes (because that also hurt like hell, obviously) and noticed that I WAS made of rainbow static, or at least i looked like it. this energetic shift lingered for a minute or two before i could ease back into my normal self.
infi let chaos and i out of the bubble here (it took extra effort to get us out this time too), and back into our room. imagine my surprise when shortly after, laurie ran in, followed by julie, lynne-- and everyone else. EVERYONE else. it was kind of hilarious and moving at the same time. she asked what in the world had just happened, so i explained.
leon kept getting emotional; he said he was feeling a LOT. we wondered if this had to do with his "connection to cathedrals;" maybe he and i had a closer link than we thought, if he was reacting the most strongly to this on a heart level.
xennie ran over and sat by me on the bed, it was adorable. ALSO she can apparently "make herself invisible" by becoming steamlike?? she said she was more of a 'wind' element than genesis, who dealt "more with light" according to her. she then added that chaos was water and ryman was shadow, but she couldn't tell what laurie and markus were. markus smiled a little and said he wasn't sure, either-- he had played with ice for a while but that didn't feel quite right.
the guys and i all talked a little bit about the old days then-- markus and i agreed that our friendship had never really "rooted," and we needed to fix that. he said he'd like us all to hang out more together upstairs, and both he and ryman wanted to start ghosting too. genesis said he'd help.

somehow this segued into markus explaining his and ryman's roles in the system now: essentially, both of them had indeed "originated" in the ygo universe, BUT even there, they had dreams, and inner lives. markus' dreams of a brighter life while living underground, and ryman's rp fantasies of a more fantastic life, were what MY LINKS rooted into back in 2002 or so! and when the ygo story ended, leaving them with "normal lives," they had thousands of paths ahead of them... but markus said he wanted to let go of ALL of it. he wanted a NEW life, one untainted by his yami, or egyptian curses, or all his old grudges and wrongdoings. same with ryman. so, he said, they chose to take a very deep and important piece of themselves, and let that piece of them live here, within the system, with new names and lives after all. so yes, they WERE marik and ryou at heart, but now they were able to start again, better this time. it made perfect sense-- AND it explained more about outspacers!! black energy works with the unconscious/inner, and THAT is what catches within outspacers to anchor them here, hence soul forms (as ryman demonstrated). it's also a very "community" sort of energy, making all things blend together as one. however, white energy is conscious and structured, allowing for individual forms and identities. both are needed!

ALSO remember the theory about the cerise holder-- chaos DOES play a very important system role, as he's keeping the blue mutant slots stable. the cerise holder would do the same for the red mutants... who were are ALL trying to reach out to (and who ARE being deeply affected by these past two days).

speaking of... after markus finished speaking, i heard someone talking to me "in my head." i excused myself, and followed it, only to find myself underground-- jess had been calling me. i think she asked me what in the world i was doing to her. she looked teary and confused and kind of scared, but not violent. razor seemed equally foggy. i forget what i said to her in reply... i think i just said we were trying to help her? or stabilize her slot?
but i was feeling floaty too, and inexplicably, my intuition told me to call razor "molly," then-- the old "lost headvoice" name from my dream, a long time ago. in reply she gave me a look of shock, fear, and utter hate. "don't call me that!!" however i responded by saying the name fit her?? I had "hated that name" as a child, but didn't i hate razor too, for a very long time? but now i needed to love both her and the name (plus 'molly' is actually a diminutive of 'mary,' a very important name etymologically). she was VERY distraught now, though-- she took out her razors and just shook for a few seconds, eyes wild, her desire to harm me obviously battling with the aura of peace that was settled over the entirety of headspace. she won out, though (by her nature probably), and lunged at me-- but then she stopped, terrified, looking at something over my shoulder. i felt someone "gray" there, telling the two splinters to stop, and then suddenly i was pulled BACKWARDS, and OUT of headspace altogether???
now i was floating outside the spectrum, looking like the flowchart, and also a galaxy, with space around it. next to me was my boss, asking if i was okay. i said yeah, but how did he just do that, where were we? he said we were in more of an "idea" than a "place;" dreams worked that way, as did headspace, and he was skilled in traveling them. so we didn't have to be in a "literal reality" to be somewhere.
we talked for a bit then, with the most important points being this-- one, my mind still reacts in programmed ways to certain situations, which i need to be careful of... and TWO... boss told me to be aware of, AND considerate/ respectful of, ALL my incarnations in ALL worlds and planes. he reminded me of how i "branched out" as a child-- i had pieces of myself in all my linkworlds; i was a sailor scout, a mew mew, a duelist, a pokemon trainer, a digidestined, you name it. all bits of me, everywhere. but boss said I could NOT "ignore or deny" those pieces; as a sandman in training, those pieces were very important, and very real. i smiled, understanding, and said i would.
i forget how boss sent me back to my room?

when i got back though, i filled everyone in one what happened, but then we realized it was getting late and i needed to go. i said i didn't quite want to, and felt too strongly anchored upstairs at the moment-- simply "phasing out" was not working. laughingly, laurie asked who was going to "push me out" of headspace then. to everyone's surprise, nathaniel practically exclaimed "ooh, me! let me do it!" and ran up to me. even laurie was looking at him with amusement, and she asked "what was that about?"
then nathaniel turned to me, bright-eyed, and put his hands on my shoulders. he said that he and i had more in common than i realized; we needed to work together more. then he added, "i used to be your reflection, you know. maybe you don't remember, but i do. and i know you better than you realize." smiling one last time, he concluded with "but you need to wake up now!" then he pushed me downwards, and I FELT myself "fall" back into the body. i then dimly heard nat and laurie laughing good-naturedly at this upstairs, as i smiled and opened my eyes. it still took a few minutes to really stabilize, but at least i was downstairs now.


lastly, jess is cooperating a little more with me now, after that whole incident. she's still angry and rageful, but i'm being patient with her and she's now willing to reason. so i'm being kinder to her. her biggest gripes seem to be: "we hate her/ view her as an enemy," and "we're living her life." the first can easily be fixed, but the second is going to take some time to heal. we HAVE to share this life, all of us, and she just wants it all to herself as of yet. if we can get her to start cooperating with the system, a little at a time, maybe she will ease into the idea of being part of a greater whole.



btw todd rundgren's "disco jets" album is INCREDIBLE OMFG
THEY HAVE THE FREAKING STAR TREK THEME ON THERE
IT'S GREAT