there's a stronger thing, keeping us together

[prismaticbleed]

 

(no time to write a coherent entry right now; I have an hour of internet and this NEEDS to be recorded in some way!)



...Remember the connections from the past two mornings, those divine hours hovering between the dreamworld and the waking.

Yesterday it was just Chaos and I (that "just" is hilariously incongruous), at around 8 in the morning... I don't even know how it began. Maybe it didn't even have a "beginning;" maybe it was just a natural expression of something brilliant that is always there, suddenly rising to a zenith. All I know is that I woke up feeling more love than I'd dared to remember in a long time, and nothing in the world could silence it.
(SPECTRUM HALO LOOP??? VERY IMPORTANT!!)



I remember how today began, though. I woke up from a dream I can't remember, feeling "off" and more than a little unbalanced. There was so much noise in the house, all around me. So, seeking reprieve, I went back upstairs to be with Chaos.

(tar trying to get at me, i felt a TON of blocks. in concern i asked if we could visit infinitii, chaos said sure, we went into the bubble.
infi greeted us and, shortly after, REACHED INTO my energy field to try and take out blocks. he took out a huge "string" of it (like the other day) and ate it, but kept searching afterwards, said a few were off. i asked if he could fix it, he said he could try if i wanted.
long story short, i decided now would be the opportune time to try and get a triple-link going with infi AND chaos. i asked them both and they said it was fine, it would probably help a lot.
it. was. insane.
infinitii can apparently "move" or alter inner energy in a limited way; he kept "orchestrating" the link by literally supercharging the merge drive for chaos and i, which was maddeningly powerful, let me tell you! but then he tied himself in, and geez it was crazy. this kept going for a while until infi told me to "bring up the spectrum ring" again, so i did, and then he told us to all stand in different "corners" of it-- i think i was near pink/violet, chaos was at blue/teal, and infi was by orange/yellow. then infi told chaos and i to start going "around" the ring energetically, linking everyone together metaphysically as well. infi was just acting as a director or anchor, i guess. however, when we finished this, i was suddenly acutely aware of a small energetic "white ring" glowing in my heartspace, and told infi. he smiled and said that was perfect, hold on to it. i did, and then infinitii moved the three of us back together into a link. it was incredibly powerful by now, which was making it hard to keep everything focused because of just how MUCH energy was being moved about. i told infi this, but he assured me it was fine. then he told chaos and i to now focus on the spectrum as a whole. we did, and then infi told me to "project" the white ring over it, like an overlay. i did, but by this time my entire perception of headspace was different-- i was both at the very core of it, AND completely outside/around it. so it felt as if i was "looking down" at these rings from an omniscient perspective, although i was very aware that this entire "halo" was being held inside me. now infi and chaos were both pretty much out of commission-- i swear we were all "melting together" at this point-- but i was getting a VERY strong push in my heart to do something on my own. so i "reached out" mentally and moved the spectrum ring to surround the three of us, like a planetary ring. then i started "condensing" the spectrum down in size, through us, smaller and smaller, to reach a pinpoint center at the center of us. however this was obviously driving the energy levels THROUGH THE ROOF; even i have never felt something so strong before! infi and chaos were falling into it, but i spoke up, saying that we needed to all focus together, to bring this all together. infi smiled and simply stated "bless this," which is what i always say during connections now; it keeps the tar away. chaos agreed, and now we were all moving this energy ring inward. as we did so, it felt like spacetime around us was moving with it, with all light and color swirling within the ring, with only a blank but benevolent blackness around us (possibly thanks to being inside the bubble at this time). (REMEMBER THE TAIJITU WITH THE GEM AT THE MIDDLE-- infi had us form this with our energy as it condensed) i was practically dying by now, but i focused as much love as i possibly could in this tiny point, and with one last intent, compressed it to the densest, smallest possible point.
then there was the big bang.
i SWEAR it was as if an entire universe had just been born. it literally EXPLODED out in some sort of shining rainbow wave, re-coloring and illuminating everything so much brighter. at the same time it felt as if new years fireworks had just gone off in my ribcage; i've never felt something like that from a connection, like being made of rainbow static. to my surprise, i opened my eyes (because that also hurt like hell, obviously) and noticed that I WAS made of rainbow static, or at least i looked like it. this energetic shift lingered for a minute or two before i could ease back into my normal self.
infi let chaos and i out of the bubble here (it took extra effort to get us out this time too), and back into our room. imagine my surprise when shortly after, laurie ran in, followed by julie, lynne-- and everyone else. EVERYONE else. it was kind of hilarious and moving at the same time. she asked what in the world had just happened, so i explained.
leon kept getting emotional; he said he was feeling a LOT. we wondered if this had to do with his "connection to cathedrals;" maybe he and i had a closer link than we thought, if he was reacting the most strongly to this on a heart level.
xennie ran over and sat by me on the bed, it was adorable. ALSO she can apparently "make herself invisible" by becoming steamlike?? she said she was more of a 'wind' element than genesis, who dealt "more with light" according to her. she then added that chaos was water and ryman was shadow, but she couldn't tell what laurie and markus were. markus smiled a little and said he wasn't sure, either-- he had played with ice for a while but that didn't feel quite right.
the guys and i all talked a little bit about the old days then-- markus and i agreed that our friendship had never really "rooted," and we needed to fix that. he said he'd like us all to hang out more together upstairs, and both he and ryman wanted to start ghosting too. genesis said he'd help.

somehow this segued into markus explaining his and ryman's roles in the system now: essentially, both of them had indeed "originated" in the ygo universe, BUT even there, they had dreams, and inner lives. markus' dreams of a brighter life while living underground, and ryman's rp fantasies of a more fantastic life, were what MY LINKS rooted into back in 2002 or so! and when the ygo story ended, leaving them with "normal lives," they had thousands of paths ahead of them... but markus said he wanted to let go of ALL of it. he wanted a NEW life, one untainted by his yami, or egyptian curses, or all his old grudges and wrongdoings. same with ryman. so, he said, they chose to take a very deep and important piece of themselves, and let that piece of them live here, within the system, with new names and lives after all. so yes, they WERE marik and ryou at heart, but now they were able to start again, better this time. it made perfect sense-- AND it explained more about outspacers!! black energy works with the unconscious/inner, and THAT is what catches within outspacers to anchor them here, hence soul forms (as ryman demonstrated). it's also a very "community" sort of energy, making all things blend together as one. however, white energy is conscious and structured, allowing for individual forms and identities. both are needed!

ALSO remember the theory about the cerise holder-- chaos DOES play a very important system role, as he's keeping the blue mutant slots stable. the cerise holder would do the same for the red mutants... who were are ALL trying to reach out to (and who ARE being deeply affected by these past two days).

speaking of... after markus finished speaking, i heard someone talking to me "in my head." i excused myself, and followed it, only to find myself underground-- jess had been calling me. i think she asked me what in the world i was doing to her. she looked teary and confused and kind of scared, but not violent. razor seemed equally foggy. i forget what i said to her in reply... i think i just said we were trying to help her? or stabilize her slot?
but i was feeling floaty too, and inexplicably, my intuition told me to call razor "molly," then-- the old "lost headvoice" name from my dream, a long time ago. in reply she gave me a look of shock, fear, and utter hate. "don't call me that!!" however i responded by saying the name fit her?? I had "hated that name" as a child, but didn't i hate razor too, for a very long time? but now i needed to love both her and the name (plus 'molly' is actually a diminutive of 'mary,' a very important name etymologically). she was VERY distraught now, though-- she took out her razors and just shook for a few seconds, eyes wild, her desire to harm me obviously battling with the aura of peace that was settled over the entirety of headspace. she won out, though (by her nature probably), and lunged at me-- but then she stopped, terrified, looking at something over my shoulder. i felt someone "gray" there, telling the two splinters to stop, and then suddenly i was pulled BACKWARDS, and OUT of headspace altogether???
now i was floating outside the spectrum, looking like the flowchart, and also a galaxy, with space around it. next to me was my boss, asking if i was okay. i said yeah, but how did he just do that, where were we? he said we were in more of an "idea" than a "place;" dreams worked that way, as did headspace, and he was skilled in traveling them. so we didn't have to be in a "literal reality" to be somewhere.
we talked for a bit then, with the most important points being this-- one, my mind still reacts in programmed ways to certain situations, which i need to be careful of... and TWO... boss told me to be aware of, AND considerate/ respectful of, ALL my incarnations in ALL worlds and planes. he reminded me of how i "branched out" as a child-- i had pieces of myself in all my linkworlds; i was a sailor scout, a mew mew, a duelist, a pokemon trainer, a digidestined, you name it. all bits of me, everywhere. but boss said I could NOT "ignore or deny" those pieces; as a sandman in training, those pieces were very important, and very real. i smiled, understanding, and said i would.
i forget how boss sent me back to my room?

when i got back though, i filled everyone in one what happened, but then we realized it was getting late and i needed to go. i said i didn't quite want to, and felt too strongly anchored upstairs at the moment-- simply "phasing out" was not working. laughingly, laurie asked who was going to "push me out" of headspace then. to everyone's surprise, nathaniel practically exclaimed "ooh, me! let me do it!" and ran up to me. even laurie was looking at him with amusement, and she asked "what was that about?"
then nathaniel turned to me, bright-eyed, and put his hands on my shoulders. he said that he and i had more in common than i realized; we needed to work together more. then he added, "i used to be your reflection, you know. maybe you don't remember, but i do. and i know you better than you realize." smiling one last time, he concluded with "but you need to wake up now!" then he pushed me downwards, and I FELT myself "fall" back into the body. i then dimly heard nat and laurie laughing good-naturedly at this upstairs, as i smiled and opened my eyes. it still took a few minutes to really stabilize, but at least i was downstairs now.


lastly, jess is cooperating a little more with me now, after that whole incident. she's still angry and rageful, but i'm being patient with her and she's now willing to reason. so i'm being kinder to her. her biggest gripes seem to be: "we hate her/ view her as an enemy," and "we're living her life." the first can easily be fixed, but the second is going to take some time to heal. we HAVE to share this life, all of us, and she just wants it all to herself as of yet. if we can get her to start cooperating with the system, a little at a time, maybe she will ease into the idea of being part of a greater whole.



btw todd rundgren's "disco jets" album is INCREDIBLE OMFG
THEY HAVE THE FREAKING STAR TREK THEME ON THERE
IT'S GREAT