the spectrum heart cathedral system

 

 

 

(this entry was written stream of consciousness and left on the desktop. many unidentified people wrote and i am unsure how to label a lot of the conversational text, so i apologize.)



I'm terrified. I don't know what in the world has happened to me.
(generic "girl core" fronter typing; the "LJ" one)
It seems that, since I left the hospital, my conscience has disappeared. "I" wasn't at the hospital; Jay was. I'm here at home, as usual. BUT I'm like… 15. I'm not the one driving most of the day.
I mean, yeah, I can be problematic. I know. I'm too casual. I try to live like I did at my age and that's not smart or sustainable anymore.
But we're all worried because, lately, that wild-haired mom-smell girl from 2006-2007 has been fronting, and her heart is cold and hard as granite, and she does not care about anything but food, and she's a horrible person.
She's in league with the thief, too-- the manic-energy girl who looks kind of like her but has a thinner vibe, and wilder eyes, and whose energy hurts like a bee sting. That girl has no conscience either, but she at least has feeling. That may be used to our advantage.
But, the worst girl, the one who ONLY comes out at home, has no feeling at all, nothing but flat empty hatred and rage and apathy and indifference and selfishness and compulsive time-killing wasteful crap. She's evil, in the worst way, and she's the scariest thing I've ever seen.

Let me say, flat-out, ALL the things they've been doing lately, because no one's been writing about them as a result of them commandeering the driver's seat and as a result of that, no one's been calling them out on their sins.





+ The manic stealer started thieving about… three months ago? At the discount store, one day she didn't have enough money to buy a box of fig cookies (when that was her current addiction), and in a rare spasm of guilty sin, she peeled a price sticker off a different, cheaper box and put it over that one. Well, the cashier almost caught her-- they realized the sticker looked funny and almost called her out on it but didn't. But in that instant, the manic girl felt REAL terror. She did, once. The whole ride home she felt like she should be guilty and she was sobbing and screaming over it, but the scary part is that she didn't ACTUALLY regret doing it. She regretted almost getting CAUGHT. And that's her core vice. She WANTED that food; she wanted it so badly she was willing to CHEAT to get it. And she got it. So, even if part of her knew that changing the price tag wasn't right somehow, she didn't understand how, because "she wanted it" and she didn't steal it, right? But she lied. She lied, and she committed an injustice, and she acted unfairly and she tricked the cashier and she was overall acting in selfish gluttonous greed. But she can't see any of that. To her, she just wanted the food, and she got it.

+ We've been praying the Solemn Novena to Saint Ann since last weekend, outright begging her to pray to God for us to stop this food addiction as soon as possible, as safely as possible, and yet by whatever means necessary. Well IT'S BEEN HAPPENING.
On Wednesday, miss thief committed the WORST EVIL I can even imagine, because she went back to that discount store and decided she was going to change the price of EVERYTHING she bought.
This time, we let her.
Why?
Because we KNEW she wouldn't get away with it.
So she spent THREE ENTIRE HOURS going through this store, brazenly ripping labels off and switching them in plain sight, chattering to herself all the while, God only knows what else because we have no memory of it save one or two snapshots when guilt and/or doubt just barely crept through enough to make it "existential" and therefore allow it to become accessible data. (That's how memory works; you NEED self-awareness or nothing sticks, and vicious voices are, by definition, NEVER actually self-aware in their behavior.) But she jammed an entire overflowing cart full of cheating groceries, and then when she was going down the dried fruit aisle, an employee stopped her. "I need to see the price on something," she said, and picked up a bag of cherries from her cart. Shoving on a plastic smile (easy for her because she can convince herself she isn't doing anything "bad"), miss manic let her. The employee then said, "these bags are a different price," to which the thief said "oh I'm sorry, I'll put that one back and get another one." So she did, but I knew the employee suspected something.
And lo and behold, God worked his fearsome glorious power when she got to the cash register.
They wouldn't let her check out.
They called the manager over.
Then the manager looked at her and said, "I need to check the prices on these items. We have cameras everywhere, you know."
Miss thief smiled and nodded, "sure, go ahead," but then she realized this was not going to work. Solid, real, paralyzing fear choked her, and immediately she knew she was dead in the water. The manager was peeling stickers off everything, and even though this thief had been smart-- she didn't put any stickers over other stickers, she flat-out replaced them all-- all they had to do was check the cameras to see her guilt. And, again, even if she didn't understand the guilt, even if her black heart couldn't grasp or comprehend "why cheating was wrong," (because, after all, she was paying, and she wanted it, right?) she knew that she was caught.
She said, flat-out, that she needed to "be somewhere" and she LEFT THE CART AT THE REGISTER and walked out the door.
The instant we stepped outside, she disappeared.
Jay was pushed out, and he jumped for joy.
Needless to say, the hell of the discount store is FINALLY OVER. We've been trying to pull the plug on that addictive cycle since before Christmas, with no lasting success (despite lots of little victories) because it was still accessible. Well no more!!! Now we literally HAVE to avoid that store, FOREVER, and THANK GOD FOR THAT.
You know what's the best part though?
Afterwards, we looked through what data we had as to what she was trying to buy.
Cereal, dried fruit, coconut, ice cream, chips, cookies, etc…
She had a cart full of at least $100 of JUNK WE COULDN'T EAT.
She literally would have blown 1/4 of our entirely monthly pay, on garbage that would have ended up thrown up AND thrown out, wasting hours of time on self-abuse in the process.
So we just barely survived a horrific disaster there, THANK GOD.
Oh, but even better. Jay was sobbing with joy the entire drive home then, singing "it's over! it's finally over!" and then he realized, with a sort of giddy shock, that this had been foreshadowed. How? Because THIS episode of SU aired the night before.
So yeah. Synchronicity too. How's THAT for reassurance from God?

(different author)
+ Miss manic also got a cleaver shoved into her lying ass yesterday, because now that she can't go to the discount store anymore, she went back to her OLD addiction, which was pocketing food from the bulk section at Wegmans. I don't know when THAT started, or how, but it began with candied ginger, then turned to cherries and dates, and now it's just figs. She'll go to the bulk aisle and just grab six, seven figs, shove them in her pocket, and go out the door.
(author switchback)
THAT'S why she's in cahoots with the numb hateful one, because SHE has no conscience and when the manic thief feels misgivings about her actions, the numb-bad one comes out and just does it. Well NO MORE!! Because yesterday, she grabbed five figs, and JAY caught her, and put two back, but the other three were buried in our pocket and he couldn't get them out. So, sadly and sickly, he decided he'd just toss them when we got home because eating them would be wrong (but miss thief said no, she wanted them, "why waste them?" nevermind that we ALL know we vomit from fruit and they WOULD have ended up in the garbage one way or another, "don't waste food" my ass).
Then we got to the cash register.
AND ANOTHER MANAGER SHOWED UP.
She looked at miss thief and said, effectively, "I just want you to know that the food in the bulk section is sold by the pound. So, if you wanted any, now would be a good time to pay for that." I can't quote exactly because it was EXTREMELY passive-accusatory, but in a good way, because she was just. She didn't flat-out say, "hey thief, get that damn fruit out of your pocket and pay for it or else," but she KNEW, and put us on the spot either way.
So in a jumble of brain-switching, she dissolved again, and Jay took over, and marched back to the bulk section, where he emptied our pockets into the garbage can and put the figs back on the shelf. He then left the store and ended up laughing from shaken joy again, "thank God," because now she can't pull THAT shit again either, after several months of us being afraid to even go IN that store because of her!!
Needless to say, we'll have to avoid that store now too. GOOD. The less access we have to possible addictive spending, the better.

+ There's one problem. The devil must have put the thought into our heads because we never would have thought of it ourselves. After all this stuff blew over, therefore destroying the current addictive post-old-hacker cycle, the evil influences decided "nope, we need a NEW addiction now."
And then someone spent $60 FREAKING DOLLARS in an Indian import store.
Which they then THREW OUT ON THE LAWN when we got home because HEY GUESS WHAT WE'RE ALLERGIC TO SESAME SEEDS.
I am FREAKING FURIOUS over this shit.
(who is this?? it's not Laurie and it's not Spice, they're faceless but they feel familiar?? is it tiger lily????)
I have to say though, the Indian food thing is weird because part of our brain DOES want it? Like it was actually craving the food. Not from a shallow taste way the way the thief girl does-- our body hates sugary food and REJECTS IT and the thought of it makes us want to vomit, but the manic voices FORCE IT because they"want it" even if our entire body actually shudders at the thought of eating dried fruit or ice cream or even just brown sugar. The manics force it anyway, God knows why, but THAT needs to stop too.
But yeah, with the Indian food, we bought a bag of gathia (it has the best texture EVER) and we actually wanted to eat the whole thing AND keep it down. But no can do; too many carbs. We ended up in a horrific vomiting meltdown as a result. We need to be more careful.

+ Problem #2 with the Indian food. Someone (not the thief!!) found ANOTHER store in a different city yesterday, and bought some stuff there, and brought it home and valiantly tried to eat it, AND save it, but… well, one of the things they bought was rice, which caused instant vomiting, and then the other thing STILL had sesame in it so we ended up with a racing heartbeat and welts all over our face again. Which was terrifying, and caused ANOTHER excruciating vomiting meltdown.
But. Problem #2 is that, those were only two of the foods we got.
We did get more ganthiya, and they DID eat and enjoy it, which was nice, but then they mixed it with garbage and chucked it. So even though we tried to save it, they ruined it.
As for the rest of the food we got? All the sev and channa dal and bhujia and boondi? They THREW IT OUT ON THE LAWN. AGAIN.
…And then an hour later they decided they still wanted to eat it.
So they did.
Now you kids probably don't know about this, but the worst bingers and abusers and general bad food alters have this thing where they are convinced they are only allowed to eat garbage. We've mentioned that, but have we mentioned that they will eat literal garbage instead of good food, on purpose? And that even if we DO have good healthy food which we and the body are desperately craving, the bad food alters will decide "no, we don't deserve that, we deserve shit," and they will instead find all the scraps of food in the house, whether or not we can tolerate it, whether or not it even should be put in our mouth, and eat those.
Well, not quite. 99% of the time there's no eating going on. It's all frantic chewing and spitting, vomiting and coughing, general horrible suffering stuff.
So whoever this alter was, went out on the lawn yesterday, and "scavenged" for all the little noodles and lentils and things. They claim they had "a lot of fun" AND the girl author from before claims they DID, but in concept.
(back to her)
Now I didn't do it, but I can feel the vibe from it and we DID have fun, because it was scavenging. It was LOOKING for stuff out in the forest and it was fun in that respect. It would have been the same thing picking berries, or looking for tiny flowers, or four leaf clovers, or tiny cool rocks, or something. Just the act of miniscule finding is that we really enjoyed. The whole thing of being outside, totally occupied in a trancelike behavior, something with searching, felt so much like what we miss from childhood, that YES it was fun, YES it was comforting, but the problem was that there are bugs outside and rotten food and mold and animal hair and bird feathers and stuff and this alter was kneeling in strange plants and picking through dead leaves to find little scraps of lahsun sev and eat them, because they wouldn't eat them out of the bad. No, they had to BECOME JUNK first, then they were considered "edible." Isn't that bizarre??
(author switch)
It's because garbage "belongs to no one," therefore they "won't get in trouble" if they eat it, as they aren't depriving anyone else of food by eating it, and they aren't "being selfish by demanding to eat good food" instead. It's a twisted thought process and it's sad because it has potentially good roots, but it's completely misapplied and it just ends up with us getting sick,
(back)
Yeah!! Because miss scavenger was getting bits of cat hair and dead leaves and God knows what else in her hands with the bits of food, and there were bugs biting us all over, and God also knows whether or not those plants were irritants, who knows, but she kept shoving things in her mouth and chewing them up and spitting them back out because EVEN THEN she's terrified of swallowing anything dense, and the worst part is that she still enjoyed it. There was something about the whole thing that she actually took comfort in, and I don't know if it's the "lack of guilt" like you said, about garbage not being anyone else's property, but I don't know. It just makes me sad that she's using OUR BODY to do this, and then we end up sick and nauseous and bedridden and we're wondering why, and the instant we get better she's running back out the door to do the same thing.
How do you REASON with these alters when they have NO SENSE OF SELF in order to even function that way/ exist???
Abusive alters never have a real sense of self, or a concept of real existence; they're like semiconscious programs just shoved into the body,

+ Celebi was singing to the numb-bad alter (the queen of horrid) when she was wasting ANOTHER box of raisin bran THAT BELONGED TO OUR MOTHER, and Celebi was bitter and heartbroken and angry and singing "what good is a friendship when you would choose your addictions over me" and "you claim you love me but you've never even said the word" and basically, calling her out on her crap, that this numb girl CLAIMED to be the "host" or "core" or whatever, part of a bloodline, but she ISN'T. This girl claims to hold all that inherited stuff but she DOESN'T and she's just a STONE COLD LIAR and Celebi knows, and she hates it, she just wants Jewel back, she just wants this to stop. We all do.
The numb girl loves killing time. She doesn't care about anyone but herself.
//
Celebi also noted that this girl is full of hatred and rage, not just apathy, which is bizarre but true. She has no feeling, no conscience at all, but below the surface there is always this slow awful boiling buzz of fury, God knows why; we can't detect a motive OR object for it, it's just there, churning away with horrific intensity.
//
So she chewed through another box of raisin bran and threw it all out on the lawn again and then threw up like 5 glasses of water just in case we did swallow anything and now we owe the mother ANOTHER 5 dollars and I am so sick of this.

+ She ate an ENTIRE FRUITCAKE that the mom spent WEEKS making, and we're both heartsick and terrified because how do you replace THAT????? That's TONS of money and time, all flour and dried fruit and alcohol and we can't just apologize for that shit, not when we didn't even WANT it to happen, not when our mother refuses to accept this D.I.D. shit in the first place, which we don't blame her for because it's a pain in the ass with all these abusive alters. We don't want them either.
But it's existentially terrifying when you have to admit they do exist. For us now, for me right now, they're concepts. I've never seen them, never met them. But there's awareness of their actions, like a bad paper trail, and it's jarring in a morally terrifying way to realize that their sins are on our hands and tied to OUR FACE and no one outside would even know the difference between those girls and the rest of us. The very awareness of that makes us want to vomit, even worse when we realize that they are KILLING US in the process and how do we stop them??
HOW THE HECK DO WE STOP THEM??? THIS HAS TO STOP!!!!! FOREVER!!!! ASAP!!!! OR WE'RE GOING TO DIE.
We're going to die.

Does anyone else realize that?
That they're literally killing us now, with their apathetic or manic sinful behavior?
The old hackers were spiritually murderous, that's true. They took our soul and brain and hacked at them with horrific intensity, nonstop, for ten years. They made us WANT to die, daily, nightly, just to be free. But we at least existed in contrast to them back then. We WANTED to be free, we FOUGHT, we atoned, we did everything we could to stand up to them. And we won, at long last, we won for good.
This isn't so "easy," and I say that bitterly and ironically.
Food you can't run from. At least we don't know how yet. The body currently needs food to live.
And yes, we can live on little. We can live on vegetables and be happy, we've done it before; the body gets more energy and happiness that way anyway.
But these girls won't let us. And I say that with furious reluctance, because it's not about giving up, it's about them having TOO MUCH INFLUENCE and power here. We WANT this to stop, but they don't, God knows why, and when we try to stop, they step in with cold heartless compulsion and say "no I don't want to stop" and they don't.
I need to emphasize just how hollow they are. They don't exist outside of their addictive behavior. Lock them in an empty room, or force them to sit som

(sudden xanga style)
THAT'S important too!!! They really only exist for the most part AROUND OTHER PEOPLE.
Not quite?
Yeah but the SHOPPING. I think?
They come home to an empty house and STILL binge.
Yeah but it's OUR HOUSE. Have you ever felt the vibe of that place? It's FILTHY. It feels like binge addictions. The place is a depressing dirty mess. No wonder they binge.
Remember, NO ONE binges on the porch!! And even the crudpile girl, she felt like she was actually trying to do right with eating, even if she messed up in the application of the process!! It's going IN THE HOUSE that we have trouble, because it feels wrong.
So you think we should try to eat outside from now on?
It's worth a shot. I mean we had no trouble at ALL at the hospital, right? That's why Jay keeps trying to go back to it.
Good point.
So we've gotta try. Maybe that's all we can do right now, is take the power away from that context for those girls before they can do more harm. Give us time to recover so we can FIX things at last.
But we need downtime first.
Right.


More than anything, we need time to ourselves. We need time to be ourselves.
At our computer, the thought of eating, let alone bingeing or abusing, doesn't exist. Here at this computer, awareness is internal, eternal, infinite, creative, open. Everything is head-based. It's wonderful. The outside world and its angst and depressing loops disappears. All that grungy, oppressive, rectangular-small burning vibe of stores and houses disappears and we feel safe, here at a laptop, everything feels big and white and wide open. We adore it, so much.

The Indian food stores have a horrible vibe to them. Import stores feel like that in general, I remember the vibe of the Asian ones in SLC, they had a slightly different color due to content but the same shape and temperature. Synaesthetically, they're all cramped rectangles. Like… there's no "open space." It's like a brick, and everything is compressed into it, and it's awful. The Indian food stores feel reddish, and too hot, and too square, just like their food tastes. All that dense spiciness is hellish to the synaesthetic senses. "You are what you eat" and it's TRUE, so why in the world would you want to swallow anything that makes you feel like THAT???
Problem is, it tastes good. Problem is, something about it is good, but that darn density kills us. We allegedly used to like spicy food, but ugh, no more, if we ever really did. The thought of eating spices makes us grimace. It's not just because of the summer heat-- it's because of the heat in general! We do NOT like heat, at all. So putting that in our body is awful.
But see, there's the issue. Someone keeps buying spicy food because THEY like it. Who is it?? Who likes spicy food and keeps eating it even if it makes the rest of us AND the body sick?? We gotta find them and talk to them, if possible. (Most socials can't be talked to as they don't "really exist" as people, remember.)
The smell is worse. There's a fetid hotness to the spice that makes our stomach flip even when smelling an empty bag now. Isn't it crazy that one alter can love this stuff genuinely, and then everyone else thinks it's disgusting? How can you get such a switch in preferences like that, such a total break in perception? It's so weird, and it's exhausting, and it makes me want to cry sometimes, thinking about how much we have to fix, and don't know how.

The bad alters kept borrowing money to feed their addictions. Yes, they did. They got us all into horrible debt again. AGAIN. We just barely paid off their LAST debt, which was disgustingly huge-- literally, they owed people about two freaking thousand dollars from the past three years, and thank God we finally paid most of it off, but we STILL have $300 lingering on that tab, PLUS $550 from last month alone.

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU GIRLS EVEN DOING THAT YOU'RE SPENDING SO MUCH DAMN MONEY?????
They're wasting it is all.
Yeah but on WHAT???????
Consider that they just spent $60 freaking dollars on Indian food in one day, then went back the next day and spent $40 more.
$100 dollars on SHIT in 24 hours??? How the hell are they even getting AWAY with this???
Because we're not around.
…
We haven't been around. None of us have. And although we're here now, they're not. They can't be. They don't exist in safe environments, by their very function, just as we don't usually exist in unsafe ones.
So you're telling me they're built to be shitheads???
Basically.
So what do we do?? How do we even stop them if we're not allowed to shove in over their function capacity, when they're SUPPOSED to be shit??
*I don't think any part of our psyche should fit that definition, at any point. None of us should ever be "supposed" to be bad. And the very fact that we have some alters that do fit that broken label, is the biggest problem in and of itself. Something in our brain decided that, in order to survive, we had to develop an inherently "bad" alter to do it. Those girls.
Yeah but survive what?? What are they surviving?? They're KILLING us!!!
I think maybe they think that's the better option, if they're even aware of it, and that alone is scary. But like you said before, or one of you, that one girl who eats garbage? She genuinely believes that is the morally better option, rather than eating good healthy food, because she things self-care is a sin.
Bullshit. Look at what it's doing to the rest of us.
Yeah, but tell her that. She might not even be aware that the rest of us exist, and probably isn't, due to her function as a social.
So what do we do?
…Like the other girl said, the good one. Take time away from them. Stop killing Celebi. Stop taking away our life because they don't know how to exist. We do. So we need to. And we need to meditate more too. It's exhausting for me to type right now, let alone stay conscious, let alone stay unsplintered, because it's been months since I was functioning properly and months since any of our true System members were running the show. And you guys aren't on my level either, so talking to you is excruciating, and it's making all of us suffer from the level split.
Yeah, we can barely reach you or talk at this point. One of us has gotta go or these links are gonna break all at once.
Depends. You want to type more? Or should I take over and try to at least center out, or type differently before we go to bed?
What time are we going to bed? 2? Again? That's not good either.
Oh geez, I don't know. Today feels like it was a blur. What does the data say?
We got sick, suffice to leave it at that. Girl eating garbage off the crudpile, lots of vomiting, someone eating chocolate and peanut btuter and fruitcake. Bullshit.
All right, that's terrifying, that NEEDS to stop. No wonder there's a haze of sheer panic hanging over this body. But guys, I am slipping badly, I can't talk with a level split without losing myself and you guys are suffering too.
You type then. You need data, you ask us, or the Archivists. I'm getting too System-aware to stay downstairs at this point, so I'm calling it quits. I'll see you around. Good luck, and fix this if you can, all right? We're counting on you.
We'll do our best. I will, and so will everyone else up here. We have to do it in unity. That's the only way we'll ever succeed.
Tell that to the ones downstairs who don't give a shit.
We're trying. And hey, I like you. Keep up the good work, whoever you are, I'm counting on you too.
Hey, thanks. I will.





So, who the heck was that?
No idea, but they're cool. It's deeply reassuring to realize that people like that exist on the downstairs level.
Holy swords, does this count as a Xanga session???
Partly?
Oh thank God, my prayers have been answered. Thank God.
Hahah.
No, really! This shit is picking up lately, you notice? Problems being solved so fast, after months of nothing happening on the home front? Makes you wonder, doesn't it? Oh, and what's this about Pokemon Go?
Oh man, that’s right, they didn't mention that.
Yeah, about how we're so much in debt, we're literally going to be living in poverty all of next month because our entire SSI check is going to go towards paying that off instead of saving up for a smartphone or buying food.
Preferably both.
Yeah, no shit man, but you get what I mean.
…I do. And Celebi was upset about that too.
So I heard. …She was singing about it?
Pure stream-of-consciousness song, yeah. The sort of gorgeous thing that the Jewel line only ever used to get. Probably the only reason that abuser girl even heard it in the first place was because Celebi was directing it towards her, and she was in enough of an empty-headed trance state to hear it in the first place. She didn't care though.
…I am so  bloody furious over this shit, you know that?
Which shit?
The absolute waste of time and life, and watch your damn mouth, kid, don't slip on me. We've been out of tune for way too bloody long, but don't you get lax, or you'll slip into the Jayce bloodline disaster and we all know what happened there.
…You're right. I'm deeply sorry, Laurie, I really lost sight of who I was there for a minute.
Yeah, I know. Watch the facial hair, dude, you don't have a goatee. He does. You're not him, and I don't want you acting like him, capisce?
Capisce.
Heh. No really, kid. Watch what you're doing, remember who you are. We all have to be really freaking vigilant from now on, no matter how "excruciating" it may be.
Oh, did you catch that though? How no one's ever really noticed that before?
The level splits? We know that, kid, everyone suffers when trying to operate in an environment they weren't built for.
Yeah, but… there was something new about it. The explanation as to why it's so hard TO talk to those people.
Oh yeah, good point! I never even considered it that way. You can't even talk to someone on that level from here because it doesn't even translate to their level in that sense.
Yeah! So it's not that we're not trying, it's that there are too many boundaries in the way acting as obstacles. We need people on that level to talk to them, that way they can HEAR them, and maybe then we can talk some sense into them.
So how the heck do we reach them? Write letters?
Maybe.
…Geez, that was a joke, but that worked last time, didn't it? I forgot about that, that was amazing actually how well it worked.
It did. Strangely, maybe, in how it played out, but it worked.
We gotta do that again then. Kid, honestly, what time are we going to bed?
1 o'clock.
Kind of late, but I'll forgive it tonight, since we're doing this and also you're sick as a dog, poor kid. I'd ask "how the heck do you put up with this" but honestly we've gotta STOP putting up with this garbage. Like she said, whoever she is. I like her, we've gotta find a way to talk to those people on some level to keep communication going.
Yeah, we do. So letters is one thing, what about messengers? Like Minty's bears or the snakes or the anchor plushies or something? People who can move between levels and not lose anything for it, and therefore connect vastly separated areas in a sense.
Perhaps. We'll have to ask Minty and see who else can help.
Ask me what?
Shit, are you in here??
No I can't get in there but what do you want my help with?
Bears. They're messengers, right?
Yep.
How so? What do they do?
Well… they help people? With whatever they need to do? I don't know, I've never really… given them a big job yet. I'm sorry.
It's okay, Minty. It's just that we might have a big job for them now. Problem is, they aren't self-aware, are they?
No, that's not their job either. They're more like messengers, like angels, they do what they're supposed to do and that's it.
Hm. Well that could still work for something, kid, thanks a lot.
Uh-huh. …Is that it? Do you need me for something else?
Nah, we're cool. You take care of yourself, kid, all right?
I will! And-- the Bear will take care of me too, I promise.
Good, he's cool too. Hey Jay, 11/11 at the bottom of the page again.
I love when that happens. It only happens with us. It's profoundly comforting and reassuring.
Can't put it into words, huh?
No.
Heh, maybe that's a good thing in a way. Hey Minty.
Yeah?
You tell Braxton or whatever his name is that we're planning something with the bears in the near future if they can help in the way we need.
Which is what?
Communicating directly with the lower-level fronters that we personally can't reach without slipping. We need a way to stop the abusive socials and the only way to talk some sense into them is to talk to them as someone who has sense. Problem is there are very few sensible people down there, and the ones who are, have level-split problems.
So… you want me to send the bears instead?
Maybe, depends on whether or not it would work. It's all up in the air right now, kid, so don't you worry. --Oh, there you are man. Long time no see, how's it been?
Good. Quiet. How are you?
Good to be alive, man, that's about all I can say. Troubles are another thing. You hear what I tell your kid?
…Yes. I will tell her if I think of anything further.
Further?
To help. I do not know if it would work yet. We will see. Keep me posted.
Heh, sure thing man. You two get some rest, all right? Tomorrow's another day.
You do too! Good night Jay, good night Laurie!!
Good night Minty.
'Night, kid, thanks for helping us out.
No problem, that's my job!
It is mine as well. Do not hesitate to ask if you need me.
Yeah, especially since your function is still kinda hazy, buddy.
…It'll solidify in time. All in it's own time.
Yeah, that's about what I've been saying about life lately too. Good to keep in mind though. Really, I'll see you in the morning or whenever, this kid's got work to do and I'm bad at goodbye's anyway.
Bye!!
Bye Minty, bye Braxton. I'll keep you posted.
…
Man. Getting back into the swing of things pretty fast, huh? Feels good.
It does. A little rushed right now, but still.
That's 'cause it's late, kid. Things always feel rushed when it's late.
Not usually?
I mean late enough to be late. Early, but not early. You get what I mean, kid?
Yeah, but explain it to the people!
Hey, at least you're laughing. We need a hell of a lot more mirth up here with what's going on.
We need roots in joy.
We do. It'll help a lot. Anyway, what I mean was that until like 1am, 2am, it's late but it's not early enough to not feel late.
Like at 3am, time stops working and you're just there.
Time stops around 2am though, doesn't it? Usually?
It settles in then, yeah. And it goes until 6 or so, then settles back into "real time" for 7.
So we've got like, four hours of bliss if we stay up "late" enough.
Yeah. So it feels rushed from 11pm to around 1am because we know we should be getting to bed--
But we're not--
Exactly-- so until it's been established that we're not going to sleep soon…
Things feel rushed.
Yeah.
You're tired.
No kidding!
I know, kid, I'm just always surprised when I see it hit you, because you haven't been out in so long. It's heartbreaking to see you taking the consequences of this disaster, and frankly it pisses me off too.
I'd say it does that to me too but that's only if I slip into the wrong bloodline roots, like you said.
Yeah, don't do that, kid, it's potentially fatal and you know it.
I do. Help me be careful about that, okay?
I will. And see how much better and brighter your vibe feels when you're tapped into you and not some mindless obligatory behavior drive?
Yeah. It's clearer, it's conscious, it's me.
Stay in that, kid. Even if you have to stop talking to me, stay in that.
…Maybe I should tap out and just put on some music for a few minutes or something. It feels like a luxury, but frankly, I think we could use some benevolent "luxuries" in the near future solely to heal from the abusive garbage treatment we've been getting. That feels bad to say; why is that?
It's the fear of becoming selfish, and more specifically, materialistic. Indulgent.
We're already "indulgent" when the garbage girls front.
Point taken, and ironically too. But the point is that's where the fear comes from. We don't want to be selfishly indulgent, so the phase two hackers disguise that selfish indulgence as self-abuse. Same vice though.
That's an interesting and worrisome observation.
Yeah, no kidding. Sherlock, write that down.
Already did, Laurie.
Write it twice, really dig it into the page. That needs to stick.
Then re-read it later. I can only write so hard on the first pass. Lessons need to be reviewed in order to truly stay.
Good point man. Jay, re-read this tomorrow.
I'll have to. It's hard to get memory to stick late at night anyway.
So you think you really need a break, huh? Late night takes a toll on the body's ability to concentrate.
It does. You re-wrote that sentence like, three times.
Couldn't figure out how to word what I wanted to say, kid. Point is, it's late, the body is bloody exhausted and is shutting down, but you want to stay up late because it's sick and you want to recover, and also you want to take some time to regroup before going to bed because let's face it kid, you don't want them going to sleep, and frankly I miss you at night. Chaos does too. We all do.
…That was a sword to my heart. That's a good sign.
Good. Good. God knows we need you feeling again.
I never stopped.
…I mean, geez… I mean, we need you feeling again.
Ah.
Yeah. Those girls without a conscience… how the heck did that happen? That's absolutely terrifying.
Probably being unable to deal with the guilt and shame, so it just shut off the capacity for that.
Wow. That's uncool.
It is. I really don't want to think about causes though, that jumbles up this head even more. I can feel that's it's a wrong perspective and I can feel why, essentially enough. The point is, and the most important thing, is fixing it. I can fix it without digging through knots to find out exactly how it got so twisted. Thinking too much about that just makes me twisted too, by letting too much of into my head.
Good point, kid. So what's step one, in that respect?
…Vigilance. Little steps. Eating outside, as that girl mentioned. Spending more time alone, to slowly shift the focus away from social-oriented mania to solitude-oriented peace. One step at a time, so we don't get overwhelmed. But it needs to start small by the same token.
Too much at once and we burn out, kid, I know.
Plus we're dealing with a level split, so.
That's why. It's hard enough talking to them from up here. Trying to yank the reins out of their hands all at once would be frankly impossible at this point, plus it wouldn't solve their issues, which is what needs to be done so they don't start this up again. Also I get what you're saying about the brain shutting down, holy swords, go put some music on and then get to bed, kid.
Is there anything else we need to say tonight?
Nope, not tonight, you get to sleep. Everything else can wait until tomorrow.
Are you sure?
…Shopping list? Is that what you're thinking? What shopping list, who's planning what?
The girls want to get one more round of Indian food and also that coconut oil. I'm scared of it, but whoever likes it genuinely wants to try, and that same person is notthe thief or the numb furious one.
Who is that, the worst one? Is that Jessica?
I think? Celebi called her that and she responded to it.
Wait, what? She did??
Yeah. Also her self-image is awful, all tangled hair and she's probably seventeen and she smells like the mother. She's viscerally terrifying, and everytime I see her she's wearing our high school uniform.
…Holy shit. Holy shit, did you just find out about this?
Just today, yeah. We need to look into this.
Yeah, no shit! This could be the key to solving this, finding the real root so we can tear the damn thing out.
Yeah, without going nuts trying to guess at it from context clues and things when we might-- probably--
Definitely aren't operating on the same wavelength, kid.
Thanks for finishing that thought for me.
No prob, I got what you were trying to say. You going to bed now? After the music? Geez, I'm sorry, I'm faltering too. It's too bloody late, we're too freakin' tired. What are we doing about the food? Who's buying the stuff? The good girl?
Uh… not sure? Someone with genuinely good intentions who genuinely wants to try it as an edible food, and understands that if it doesn't work she has to stop buying it.
Holy swords, now that's a milestone.
Yeah. So I appreciate that.
How about the coconut butter or whatever? Is that the cake stuff? Didn't we vote that we disliked it last night?
Again, someone did, someone didn't.
Ah. Shit.
Yeah, so one more shot on that too, so data can stick, because a binger got it last night and when that happens--
Ah, yeah, the whole thing is basically wiped from the comprehension drive. Or whatever. Kid, call this quits so we can get some sleep before Dalton's job tomorrow.
Is he still around?
He ain't dead, but he ain't workin' either. Give him some time in tomorrow if you can, all right? We don't need anyone good dying. And get that food if it's safe, I want to talk to this girl if I can, if that'll bring her out and if her allegedly good heart leaves her open to hearing us talk to her in the first place.
Hey, that's an important detail distinction too! Maybe the level splits won't be so bad if that's the case with more people?
Vulnerability, yeah. Childlike wonder, that ties into the imagination and by extension into higher levels of headspace like us. Hey, that's a good point indeed kid, nice catch.
Thanks Laurie. Now I really miss Infinitii right now, which is really true to my heart and really important in wake of today so--
Holy swords, yeah, go do that then, be with hir. You haven't been with hir in a while, that that alone is an indication of how out of sync we've been.
Yeah, it is.
So go do that. Put hir music on and just be with her and let that love branch out to hit the rest of us, kid. Maybe that's step one, is putting the good roots down first, where they can just choke out the bad shit.
Infinitii's standing over there.
Yeah, I know, that's why I'm having trouble talking or even getting my thoughts together right now. Geez, I miss this, you know? Feeling stuff like this, up here. I haven't been around either, kid; when the core fronters slip we all slip.
All wounds heal in time, Laurie.
Yeah and you're space, what does that say about things?
That there is wholeness beyond time, and you need only touch it to remember.
Jay, ze's flirting with you already, I'm outta here.
Laurie. It was not meant like that.
I see you smirking. "But it could have been," right?
Perhaps. There are many meanings to many things.
Yeah, and don't I know it. Hey, you two do whatever your hearts tell you you need to do. I'll be up in our room, kid. Your room. Our room?
Everyone's room.
Pfsh, yeah, ain't that the truth. Sweetest thing, too. Infi, you take care of him.
So do you.
…I didn't mean that as a declaration, but… yeah. We both do. Nice one, by the way.
So are you.
Stop freakin' smirking at me, man, I'm outta here. Love you too. Jay, I adore you, don't hurt yourself.
…Laurie you're breaking my heart, you're making it do funny things.
Good. Good, because I miss that too, more than anything.
…
If you're up for anything later, you let me know.
I will. God knows I will.
Jay, are you closing this up?
Yeah. Yeah, I feel alive deep down all of a sudden and I want, I want to live like this all the time again, more than anything. I want to cry thinking about how hard daily life has been with those damaged fronters in charge. It hurts my heart.
Ssh, ssh. Don't focus on that. Focus on healing. Focus on love. Only that will heal them or us.
They can't feel it.
That is the problem. Teach them. If they cannot learn, they will dissolve. Just you watch, Jay. Shine the light on the shadows and they will disappear.
…Yeah, that has been happening, hasn't it. What happens when I shine the light on you?
There are two types of shadows, Jay. One holds the light just like you do.
In your heart?
In my heart. Except mine is black and white, instead of red and blue.
…Oh. Oh, you're hitting me hard with mentioning that.
Do you feel more alive now, Jay?
Ironically, as my heart is breaking, but… that seems to be a big part of feeling alive, if my past memory is any indication.
And your present experience.
Yeah. Thank God for present experiences.
Do you want to put some music on, Jay?
And?
And what, Jay? I don't need to do anything. That is the point.
I think I need that too.
You do. You do.
I love you, Infinitii.
Say that again, with feeling.
…I can't, not in typing.
Good. Then say it to me otherwise.

…and now I feel alive.

 

 

 

I seem to exist the most clearly at dawn and dusk. That's it.

Today I realized just how much I miss being outside. I need to go outside more; I miss that the most about SLC, I miss that the most about family vacations. Even if I was stressed, at least I could go outside and wander the streets and feel alive for once.
Here, I'm kind of stuck up in the woods. Yes, I adore it, but I can't just go walking through it anymore. Too many bears and ticks, unfortunately!
But… I'm looking through photos we have stockpiled for headspace/heartspace locations, and these two immediately gave me that beloved childhood "existential" feeling that I gauge my spiritual health by. I have memories that match it exactly-- the smell of night fog and flowers, of breathing trees, of twilight and rain and quiet. It's a smell that oddly means awakening to me, opening my inner eyes as the sun disappears into blue, existing once the rush of the sun has abated. But that feeling, that feeling I ONLY get outside, and usually when I'm far away from "home"… God I haven't felt it so long, but I recognized it like a man returning from war, with heartbreaking joy and sadness both. It's what I need right now. I need it. I really do.
What I really miss is the wandering. Just… it's a big part of why I love Dishonored, really. You can do just that, absolutely. I think that's where my personal timeline began, last autumn when we were either counting down to or recovering from surgery… maybe both. Dune and Dishonored. Everything was orange and warm and bright and then suddenly as we got to the end of the book, the end of the game, things became colder, twilight-colored, indigo and windy… winter rolled in and I don't remember it at all. Which is sad. But it's so weird, last autumn is so incredibly vivid. We've been switching so much otherwise… it's unfortunate, but having that one memory anchor, it means a lot.

I miss the beach. God I miss the beach, my heart hurts just thinking about it.
(Jewel) There's gotta be somewhere around here where I can swim. I need to be in the water. It's driving me crazy; every so often I get this overpowering need to just be underwater, and I/we haven't been able to meet that need in literal years. Which isn't cool.

(Jay) Lately I've been having big daydreams about what it would be like in the future, if we got our shit together and were able to live wherever, do whatever. Of course I always dream of living in the city, in some nice swanky place, within traveling distance of a coast. It's a reflection of headspace really. But I still love Gimmelwald, up in those green heights, vast and simple and gorgeous. I still love the woods up here too, as it is. I don't know where we'll end up living, but… I need the trees, and I need the sea. That will never change.

Japan, the view of Mount Fuji and the cherry trees, with red pagodas bright against it all, has been feeling very close to my heart too. Perhaps it's because we first "discovered" that country and its culture when we were about 12, 13… a really lovely time in our inner life. So the vibe of that place is very strongly attached to the adventurous peace of that time. It's Hoseki's home, it's half of heartspace, even if we've never been there.
I adore that country, everything about it. I still want to go there one day.
Julie has modeled the Pink Realms after it, I noticed. Japan at dawn. Everything pink and soft and holding that exact vibe I just mentioned… and lots of views like this; everything is up high, way above the sea.
Apparently the view is highest where it intersects with the Cerise Realms. Jeremiah and the kids requested that-- there's a big view of the valley up by the mall, about 10 minutes away from where we go to therapy, and every time we're up that way they ask to be able to just stop and look out at it. So Julie and Eros put a view like that in for them, which is really sweet, and beautiful too.
Nathaniel is taking inspiration from Japan too, what with the forest temples. He saw a picture of one and immediately told me the vibe was exact, so that was nice.
Leon also found a photo that matches the look/feel of the Indigo Realms perfectly, finally. He was really excited about that.
Laurie has put giant wisteria trees and lots of sky lanterns in the Violet Realms. She's also decided their "timeframe" is 1am-3am, that sort of late night/ early morning stillness. The sky is swimming with stars, it's gorgeous.
As for other timeframes, while I'm thinking of it... Pink=dawn, Indigo=dusk, Blue=early night (10pm), Violet=late night (2am), Sky=late morning, and I think Cerise=sunset? I also think Orange=early evening and Green=early afternoon. No idea on Yellow, Lime, or Aqua yet... but they feel like "day" places for the most part. Red and Brown are largely unstable yet so no clue there. Black/Gray/White feel different in general so I don't know if they're tied to time at all. We'll see.
Lastly, Waldorf and Kyanos have agreed that there is now a legit automotive bodyshop at the border between their Realms, which is hilariously adorable.

Dalton was out today for the job; he's getting more solid. But he was talking TO the Gent IN HEADSPACE for a minute?? Their colors are close and we just happened to have two cars in the shop today in those exact hues, right next to each other. So that resonance triggered a short meeting between those two fellows, apparently. It didn't last long as neither of them have strong enough roots but DUDE. The GMQs were FACELESS SOCIALS for years! So that's really cool, it means they aren't as dead as we feared. I'm really glad. I remember way back we said "no one ever really dies up here" and that's a mixed blessing but I'm very thankful for it nevertheless.
We've been teaching Dalton that the most important thing he can do is care. The Tar & Plague are both run by apathy in a sense-- cold hearts expressed at different extremes. They're both careless. We NEED to be the opposite. So we told Dalton, you MUST care. You must feel compassion and affection and interest and generosity and service. You must. It's the only thing that will allow YOU to survive and it is the only thing that will allow ANY of us to survive.


Speaking of both wisteria and newer people. One of the "brown-haired" alters that have pre-System but non-abusive roots picked a name today? "Neutra." As in "neutral," obviously. But she looks like the body did around age 13-14, except she has violet eyes. Which is interesting. Browns are odd because they're largely "non-Spectrum" for lack of a better term, so this thing with dual colors is intriguing. Perhaps that's NOT a sign of dissonance for some? Who knows, we'll find out. But yes, she picked a name, now we know how to refer to one more person.


Last.fm is throwing some good music recommendations at me.
D was listening to a band the other day, Aquilo, and we immediately fell in love with their stuff. It's incredible, both his style and his voice. "Better Off Without You" has been on loop in my head for days. So much of his stuff is relevant to Dream World, it really inspired me. Oh yeah, and thanks to D we also finally listened to Coldplay's X&Y album, 10 years later, ha. But I'm glad we waited, because the album is shockingly relevant to headspace. Hilariously, the only songs I don't really like are the only ones you ever hear on the radio. Go figure. That's typical though.
We're also really enjoying Dorian Concept's stuff. We discovered them years ago really but never listened to an actual album of theirs, and this is really neat.

I'm really feeling snow tonight, too. I miss it just as strongly as the beach, but differently.
…Ah. I think that's the difference. There's two of us. Me, who misses the snow and the ice and Christmas and peppermint and gold and who remembers that, who has winter etched into his very blood… and him, the other one with white hair, who misses the ocean and the water and the summer night air and the early city fog, who is tied to a totally different season and feeling than I am.
It's nice, to finally be able to put words to that feeling, to FEEL that difference, to have clarity between different core-parts. It really is nice. It's validating, for both of us.
Dare I say it-- the therapist will be proud, heheh.


Rosewindow-- the Leagueworld-- has been talking to me a lot lately. I have Spotify to thank for that; I found some very resonant songs for it (mostly by The Flower Kings and Cherry Ghost) and as a result, the plot is blooming again. I'm so excited, I adore this world so far, it's so vast and gorgeous and sad and amazing. Like a sunrise.
Event Horizon is FINALLY growing, too. That world's been on hold for years, it's awful. I felt bad, because it was actually stagnant-- I saw nowhere it could go, no idea what to do. But now it's moving again! Slowly but surely. I'm so glad.
LG*Girls is trying to move, but it has no solid plot yet and it has too many possibilities. It does bank on something else though so I'm ironing out the kinks and hopefully it'll snap into fit sometime soon.
vo!t@ge and Halcyon Days are both going through some big shifts, in terms of the state of their physical worlds. MASSIVE plot changes for the former, just as significant plot alterations for the latter. Also, again thanks to Spotify, it seems there's practically an entire genre of music that sounds like Haruka Nakamura (the sort of soft, early morning, guitar-over-piano, downtempo stuff) and we associate that style very strongly with Halcyon Days-- that, and Thomas Dolby-style 80s synths. It's an interesting soundtrack but I love it. Now if only I had the means to write the same stuff, haha. I will try.
Now if only I could get Puppetstrings to talk like this again. Those kids feel stuck all of a sudden too. But it doesn't feel locked-in; I'm sure if I just sit down and untangle it it'll start flowing again.
Oh yeah! Last thing-- Oneircia is starting, shyly but honestly, to tell me the MIDDLE of the story, at LONG LAST. Remember how I said I knew how that one began, and then how it ended? Well now everything between those two points is finally filling in. And it's NOT as melancholy as we erroneously assumed before. I'm sorry for that; someone previously painted their story with cynicism which is really the polar opposite of what the story is. So that’s a profound relief.


There was a lot of synchronicity today, it feels like. It's been like that lately, lots of little nudges in interesting directions, lots of triple numbers, lots of relevant song lyrics.
We were under a lot of stress today, massively so, but we were in-and-out of peace even within that? Genesis was helping of course, but it was nice to not be swallowed up in the upset. And at one point we got an avalanche of reassuring signs that led to a totally unexpected opportunity to help someone-- which was only possible because of the "bad luck" we had leading up to it. Go figure, right?
So that was really nice. Saw 1111 after that too. It always feels nice to see that number again.



This body has a fatigue headache and I'm kind of woozy and lightheaded. I don't enjoy this feeling. It's a result of self-neglect, though. That, in turn, is a result of feeling stuck in the house. At least now we get out in the morning and go work at that awesome garage, that helps so so so much.

Laurie says I should get to sleep so off I go.
I miss CZ especially and lately headspace feels closer to my heart than ever so that's something to look forward to.

Song of the night, see you later loves.