the spectrum heart cathedral system

 

@ 8:22
All right. I'm going to TALK to these weird intrusive fronters and/or mindsets and see why the heck they're so powerful and insistent.

I'm Jewel Lightraye, age 17. I think.


(she never finished this but the fact that it was written by HER is important)



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@23:59~


"blacked out" for most of today. very little memory.

- not much work today again. we scuffed down a bumper and scrubbed down a truck. waldorf was ghosting for a minute (she does sometimes), concerned for my mental health as i hadn't slept well again.
most notably, at the truck we were observing that all of central has been spending time together lately, except for kyanos and eros. kyanos was with wally and i in the mornings for a while, but then he disappeared, and eros has been mainly missing for even longer. but as we were talking eros runs in the room, looking terrified, says he needs help. laurie made a comment about 'perfect timing' and eros shot back not to joke; intention and focus are VERY powerful in headspace and they could attract anything if you weren't careful.
either way yeah stuff got glitchy and scary and we ended up facing down the tar/plague for a few minutes. my brain isn't remembering things well there. but lynne was the first to act, with her arrows. then javier went at it with a massive lance but something felt 'off' to me about the whole thing? i wanted to help and tried summoning the sword "i" used to have but it didn't work. i got a sudden strong impression that it wasn't my weapon and so i tried to give it to eros. he said he already had a sword (a rapier), but he hesitated; he'd never felt right with that either, maybe he needed this one?
anyway i ended up just listening to my intuition, which ended up being "go eldritch angel and just radiate" so boom suddenly i'm all eyes and wings and white light and i didn't even move, i just filled up as much space as i could and shone. the tar/plague got really pissed and started screeching and clawing at me but it didnt want to go near me so it eventually backed out of the room and left.
i dont remember what happened after that but we were okay.

- kyanos being "not quite human" just like waldorf, apparently EROS fits that bill too? of course, he's an angel like kyanos, and they both have the white-skin like sugar and sergei and hyakinth. anyway we wondered if this is why he kept slipping badly when the hackers tried to "humanize" him, because that went even further against his overlay than it would for most others in central? it's a thought.
kyanos still has all-blue eyes, if that's not noted anywhere. he's also a wild card with age; he looks and feels several numbers at once and he's not sure how to present. so we need to figure something out or else he can't really stabilize. and eros still needs a surname, as well as a possible first-name switch to let go of old abusive connotations. his visuals are slipping anyway so i need to focus on art of him to fix that, override any outside intrusions or confusions.

- only made $50 this week total, went towards food and gas and family stuff. scraped $15 left over to save for punch brothers tickets. have to hide it from the addiction alters and manic spenders.

- outside of work, JOSEPHINA was fronting mostly.
he drove for a bit; we had to drive the brother to the dmv and i clearly remember jo being at the wheel by the expressway. his main anchor overlay point is his jingle bell earrings. we can almost hear them when he fronts.
he also asked garrison "where are we going" at first and garry got kind of flustered with papers trying to tell him quick, it was cute

-most notably, josephina realizing his color has been VERY off. like laurie, he's been carrying too much negativity and so his yellow has been muddy? i DID suspect this but wasn't sure what to make of it.
jo's been out of it for a while, oddly depressed, morbid. that bothered us all because when he first showed up he was MUCH more openly optimistic, much brighter as far as yellow is concerned. but TOO light? jo says now he NEEDS to be like that openly again-- it's a key part of his personality and ze feels really off-key not expressing hirself that way-- but ze also cannot let go of the more solid aspect of her personality? like the unflinching honesty without being biting about it, the awareness of death without being upset over it, the indomitable shining brilliance of true yellow. it's a richer color, it's exactly what he already is at heart, but like i said, it's that odd depressive shroud of energy that needs to go. wherever it came from i dont know. but we're healing.

- also jo isn't "bigender" ze's an androgyne? both male and female identity at once, not switching from one to another, it's simultaneous always. so jo is okay with literally any set of pronouns, the brain keeps trying to use all of them at once anyway, so if in referring to josephina we rotate pronouns that's normal. unless ze objects in which case we'll settle on something less random.

- bro reminded us of how awesome culprate's music is, so we're listening to their new album and "acid rain" is super nice and "florn" sounds like a summer drive and "yin" is all deep matte-black caverns and electric-blue light glow. it sounds a lot like infinitii.

- infinitii has a totally new vibe after the concert reset, yes it stuck, yes it's still exactly how extra-vertebrae captured hir. GOOD. since then ze's been untouched by hackers too, i believe. chaos zero has been for MONTHS now i think?? god only knows. feels like forever, that says enough, we cannot remember a time when he was negative now. although we're aware there were instances of slippage and hacking in the past, we can't remember any. of course "i'm" a mess of fractures and non-self typing data so that's part of it, but still.



- apparently the abusive eater was out today. we do NOT remember what they did. they freak us out because we lose a LOT of time from them and it throws off our entire temporal awareness; we don't know what day it is.
laurie just told me it's a friday so we can actually SLEEP and that makes me so so happy. i've been so tired i need to just sleep a day.


- hackers trying to get at us. laurie stood guard, i held the fort, we're safe now.
problem is we ended up online for three hours, purposely diverting our attention away from everything, and then it hit me. this is how we survived high school. this is how we survived college. deviantart, last.fm, and tumblr. time-eating sites, absolutely, and lethal when abused... but... they kept us from suffocating from trauma memories we were not capable of facing, or even admitting, back then. they filled up the empty space with noise and light, and the cacophany did nothing for progress.
it... i don't want to do this again. i don't want to forget or bury things. i'm not capable of it now.
11:11.
the therapist said we need coping skills that WORK, otherwise we CANNOT truly move forward with healing because when you inevitably bring all that old buried stuff up to the surface to heal, you NEED to be able to COPE WITH IT or else it's just going to make things worse. and according to her we do not yet have the safe environment required to heal, inside or out. and that's top priority.
but this time-wasting is not helping.

those two weeks without a computer (well, without a laptop at least) were very informative. they were a sort of relief, not having any internet access, not having to worry about conversation topics, or art obligations that we lose sleep over.
(we cannot take any more after we finish these two. we can't. we've been trying for years but i have to be brutally honest. "drawing" like this brings us no joy. we need to just accept that and stop forcing past it.)
we typed a LOT. and that helped a LOT. so i kind of want to hide the internet plug for another week, just type, see what happens.
i'm just... reeling, horribly, from how much more we lost with that hard drive crash. thank god, thank god we had most of our written files backed up. but we still lost our most recent data, which-- ironically-- was the heavy duty work i dedicated weeks to and then was enough of an idiot not to back up sooner. same with the music composition. how much of THAT did we lose? and the sai/psd files we'd finally been gathering up the courage to attempt again... i can't remember the last time we backed those up.
god i dont know. what do you want from me?
"do your work," you say. or at least someone says. then why the heck did you DESTROY SO MUCH OF IT?? what the heck do you want me to do when our memory is shot and we CANNOT REMEMBER WHAT WE DID AS A CHILD and that breaks my heart but we LOST it all and now you're demanding I "do the work," god i WANT to do the work but what am i even doing now??
do i start over?
do i start them all over? is that what i have to do?

maybe.

voltage and "parnassus" both got total plot overhauls anyway.
mage angels is leaning in a new direction. so is puppetstrings.
halcyon days is changing its entire construction. hokthai might be too.
oneircia is still open enough for anything to happen. so is "lg*girls."
rosewindow and dreamworld keep getting bigger, and even they are changing hugely, in key ways i never knew before.

but that's making me stop and wonder.
yeah we lost a LOT. we lost like 15 solid years of work. it was devastating.
but... what if that slap in the face was a wake-up call? what if we were SUPPOSED to let go of all of that because all those worlds needed to CHANGE COMPLETELY?
maybe. maybe. it's a thought.
did i ever say this before? if not, here it is now. i'm thinking it's true.

i just... i miss the innocent honesty of all that old work. THAT'S what i miss the most, just the simple but priceless childhood drawings, amateur work but damn it it was gorgeous as far as i was concerned, because it was sincere. because it was done to tell a story and it had no fear or ambition or doubt or pride in it.
jewel still draws like that. and she still wants to learn. she's always our hope here.



what else do we have to say for tonight.


- still reading "a grief observed." halfway through and we still can't relate to it. we should write about that fact. it surprised me to find myself believing such different things from the author.

- i get bad triggering misophonia from people eating/drinking around me and that's never been brought up to a therapist? it's problematic because of boundary issues and personal emphasis on sound-- certain sounds are very very triggering and when we hear them, it's like the hearing has already embedded them in our skin. it's invasive. it's like touch, when someone touches you and it feels like glue on your skin, or fire ants, and you have to scrub it off, well the sound is like that even worse because you can't get it out. sometimes we end up coughing or spitting or screeching to try and get it out of our own throat, but mostly the overwhelming sensation of being invaded by the sound is so awful that we end up violent.
overload came out today as a result of that when we got home, broke our belt in half. that was our outfit staple, now we have to buy a new one or literally half our outfits dont fit. see, this is how we lost our computer. people cannot cope with triggers and end up exploding from the sheer psychotic frustration. this isn't safe.

- we're still sick from the abusive eaters. they are VICIOUS, and after today we think the WORST one (a long-haired teen girl, unsurprisingly) ISN'T an alter, but is instead an abuse-bundle and/or a tar aspect? like we tried to talk to them and couldn't, they couldn't exist inside. only a screaming mess of hatred and blindness outside.
oh but they're awful. we still get physical "feeling" from inside and when we fought back and went to throw out the poison 'food' (it was utterly inedible, the bad fronters literally try to eat garbage and it's appalling) she started screeching "give me back my food you bitch!! i hate you!! i freaking hate you!! give it back damn you!!" and jumped on my shoulder and started punching me. and i felt that and i HATE when i can feel what they do to the body even when they're not "in it" because that's what julie did when she was corrupted at first and
there's no emotion tied to that.
how the heck are we going to talk about that eventually. it's a dead timeline.
and yet ashen holds ALL the pain.
just mentioning this, i can feel the sheer agony welling up from deep deep down, from her, stuck in that horrible little introjected abuse environment, all dim awful fluorescent lights and cold tile floors and nighttime inside dull artificial silence. she's curled up on the countertop sometimes (??) but she's always a mess, always a terrible mess, hair mussed up and outfits worn and thin and rumpled with dark circles under her eyes and she's so tired, she's so hurt,
one day she has to talk, what does she know, are there any others like her?

god we need coping skills because I don't know ANY of the stuff from way back when but apparently we need to work through it because ashen's existence is proof, that pain is proof, that it IS STILL RELEVANT even if i have no awareness or understanding of it.

then spotify jumps me with a half-naked ad, GET AWAY FROM ME.
why is that sinful crap everywhere too.
you and your stupid asinine alcohol adds, SHUT THE HECK UP.
no one cares about your beer and hedonism and flirting and idiocy. your stupid brainless dirty jokes and shallow egotistic obsessions. LEAVE ME ALONE.
I HATE THAT YOU SHOVE THIS GARBAGE INTO OUR SUBCONSCIOUS ALL THE TIME. SHUT UP. LEAVE US ALONE!!!!


- someone atoned on the arm yesterday. knife knew about it.
data says he fronted briefly to sob over the bathtub again. that always reminds us of a certain day. we need to review that too..

- need to dedicate a day to doing innerspace feel-work again. we need to figure out the spectrum functions as it stands now, with the new multiple-spectrum things and the color maps shifting and stuff. laurie is also wondering if karissa is going to end up our lime centralite?? she's always felt oddly "solid" and her level has always been "unknown" so maybe it's because she fits up here? we'll see. she's cool.
aqua is still a total enigma, it's such a full slot but the only person in central ever associated with it was chaos zero. but he fractured to be able to exist up here. and he cannot function totally up here as a result. besides it's not his responsibility to take care of headvoices, he's not a nousfoni, he has a different important job. so heaven only knows who will be the centralite for that color.
also. black and white are still confusing too. infinitii said it's much safer for hir to stay in the daemon spectrum, and since then who's been moving into the black central slot but our rosequartz-y lady from way way deep down. she's still very much a mystery too, she's still not someone we can interact with up here-- she's projecting a sort of overlay up here, but if you want to talk to her at all you have to go way way down to blackspace which is where she still is, all big and nebulous. so yeah, no clue if she'll be able to move into central or not, but again, we'll see.
there's still debate about jay too, partly because he's so strongly nonhumanoid at heart, and partly because "jay" is a bloodline name and he's been fracturing WAY too badly lately to keep it to himself, let alone to keep acting like he's all in one piece still because he's not.
he's broken into little bits but they're all not nice and they're all not him, he's white and he's a core bloodline person so when those bits break off they break off of the bloodline he was built from, parts he can't keep

remember, both bloodlines have their problems. we heal and learn. but pinstripe was the first "jay" along with jayce himself, who is still around, although he may not be as "original" as he feels-- he's probably fractured too. but the boy has old roots. he's just so depressed now.
poor kid. jayce has been fronting a lot lately because he's a brown-resonant and he's safe to be in the body and he doesn't get shoved out of it either. but his job is, "be a male in the body and therefore be non-abusive," but he gets so overwhelmed by the environment he's in, "what do i do," he cannot function without headspace either, thank god, but it hurts because he's also aware that to "live in the body" he has to split his focus between here and there and that's very difficult and wrenching.

i'm so tired. i'm still sick from those darn abusive eaters. well guess what NO MONEY FOR YOU!! it's for our concert and you heard us earlier, that is worth more than your addictions, and you said that was bullcrap so you are automatically now labeled as someone who isn't worth listening to. you have no respect for us, you have no empathy for others, you have no care for the consequences of your actions, OR who bears them!!
we made her front when the stomach was in horrible pain earlier and she kept fighting us off, squirming out of fronting, depersonalizing, refusing to feel it. when laurie finally shoved her (the abuser) in and she felt the pain, she laughed and said "well if THIS is what you people are feeling then i don't care if i don't stop!" basically, she saw it as more reason to be abusive. i dont know what happened then,

we did okay. we stood up for ourselves. we tried to keep safe. yeah today was scary and tough but the weekend, we're gonna try real hard to do it well, to not eat any bad things at all, to get emmett and spice out to eat instead so we can TAKE CARE of the body for once for heavens sakes, we dont want to be sick anymore, we want to be HAPPY, we're ALLOWED to be happy.


i'm exhaused. someone should have exercised this evening but the fatigue is real bad.

i hope nothing is left unfinished here becayse i'm falling asleep standing up good night.