the spectrum heart cathedral system

 

@ 8:22
All right. I'm going to TALK to these weird intrusive fronters and/or mindsets and see why the heck they're so powerful and insistent.

I'm Jewel Lightraye, age 17. I think.


(she never finished this but the fact that it was written by HER is important)



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@23:59~


"blacked out" for most of today. very little memory.

- not much work today again. we scuffed down a bumper and scrubbed down a truck. waldorf was ghosting for a minute (she does sometimes), concerned for my mental health as i hadn't slept well again.
most notably, at the truck we were observing that all of central has been spending time together lately, except for kyanos and eros. kyanos was with wally and i in the mornings for a while, but then he disappeared, and eros has been mainly missing for even longer. but as we were talking eros runs in the room, looking terrified, says he needs help. laurie made a comment about 'perfect timing' and eros shot back not to joke; intention and focus are VERY powerful in headspace and they could attract anything if you weren't careful.
either way yeah stuff got glitchy and scary and we ended up facing down the tar/plague for a few minutes. my brain isn't remembering things well there. but lynne was the first to act, with her arrows. then javier went at it with a massive lance but something felt 'off' to me about the whole thing? i wanted to help and tried summoning the sword "i" used to have but it didn't work. i got a sudden strong impression that it wasn't my weapon and so i tried to give it to eros. he said he already had a sword (a rapier), but he hesitated; he'd never felt right with that either, maybe he needed this one?
anyway i ended up just listening to my intuition, which ended up being "go eldritch angel and just radiate" so boom suddenly i'm all eyes and wings and white light and i didn't even move, i just filled up as much space as i could and shone. the tar/plague got really pissed and started screeching and clawing at me but it didnt want to go near me so it eventually backed out of the room and left.
i dont remember what happened after that but we were okay.

- kyanos being "not quite human" just like waldorf, apparently EROS fits that bill too? of course, he's an angel like kyanos, and they both have the white-skin like sugar and sergei and hyakinth. anyway we wondered if this is why he kept slipping badly when the hackers tried to "humanize" him, because that went even further against his overlay than it would for most others in central? it's a thought.
kyanos still has all-blue eyes, if that's not noted anywhere. he's also a wild card with age; he looks and feels several numbers at once and he's not sure how to present. so we need to figure something out or else he can't really stabilize. and eros still needs a surname, as well as a possible first-name switch to let go of old abusive connotations. his visuals are slipping anyway so i need to focus on art of him to fix that, override any outside intrusions or confusions.

- only made $50 this week total, went towards food and gas and family stuff. scraped $15 left over to save for punch brothers tickets. have to hide it from the addiction alters and manic spenders.

- outside of work, JOSEPHINA was fronting mostly.
he drove for a bit; we had to drive the brother to the dmv and i clearly remember jo being at the wheel by the expressway. his main anchor overlay point is his jingle bell earrings. we can almost hear them when he fronts.
he also asked garrison "where are we going" at first and garry got kind of flustered with papers trying to tell him quick, it was cute

-most notably, josephina realizing his color has been VERY off. like laurie, he's been carrying too much negativity and so his yellow has been muddy? i DID suspect this but wasn't sure what to make of it.
jo's been out of it for a while, oddly depressed, morbid. that bothered us all because when he first showed up he was MUCH more openly optimistic, much brighter as far as yellow is concerned. but TOO light? jo says now he NEEDS to be like that openly again-- it's a key part of his personality and ze feels really off-key not expressing hirself that way-- but ze also cannot let go of the more solid aspect of her personality? like the unflinching honesty without being biting about it, the awareness of death without being upset over it, the indomitable shining brilliance of true yellow. it's a richer color, it's exactly what he already is at heart, but like i said, it's that odd depressive shroud of energy that needs to go. wherever it came from i dont know. but we're healing.

- also jo isn't "bigender" ze's an androgyne? both male and female identity at once, not switching from one to another, it's simultaneous always. so jo is okay with literally any set of pronouns, the brain keeps trying to use all of them at once anyway, so if in referring to josephina we rotate pronouns that's normal. unless ze objects in which case we'll settle on something less random.

- bro reminded us of how awesome culprate's music is, so we're listening to their new album and "acid rain" is super nice and "florn" sounds like a summer drive and "yin" is all deep matte-black caverns and electric-blue light glow. it sounds a lot like infinitii.

- infinitii has a totally new vibe after the concert reset, yes it stuck, yes it's still exactly how extra-vertebrae captured hir. GOOD. since then ze's been untouched by hackers too, i believe. chaos zero has been for MONTHS now i think?? god only knows. feels like forever, that says enough, we cannot remember a time when he was negative now. although we're aware there were instances of slippage and hacking in the past, we can't remember any. of course "i'm" a mess of fractures and non-self typing data so that's part of it, but still.



- apparently the abusive eater was out today. we do NOT remember what they did. they freak us out because we lose a LOT of time from them and it throws off our entire temporal awareness; we don't know what day it is.
laurie just told me it's a friday so we can actually SLEEP and that makes me so so happy. i've been so tired i need to just sleep a day.


- hackers trying to get at us. laurie stood guard, i held the fort, we're safe now.
problem is we ended up online for three hours, purposely diverting our attention away from everything, and then it hit me. this is how we survived high school. this is how we survived college. deviantart, last.fm, and tumblr. time-eating sites, absolutely, and lethal when abused... but... they kept us from suffocating from trauma memories we were not capable of facing, or even admitting, back then. they filled up the empty space with noise and light, and the cacophany did nothing for progress.
it... i don't want to do this again. i don't want to forget or bury things. i'm not capable of it now.
11:11.
the therapist said we need coping skills that WORK, otherwise we CANNOT truly move forward with healing because when you inevitably bring all that old buried stuff up to the surface to heal, you NEED to be able to COPE WITH IT or else it's just going to make things worse. and according to her we do not yet have the safe environment required to heal, inside or out. and that's top priority.
but this time-wasting is not helping.

those two weeks without a computer (well, without a laptop at least) were very informative. they were a sort of relief, not having any internet access, not having to worry about conversation topics, or art obligations that we lose sleep over.
(we cannot take any more after we finish these two. we can't. we've been trying for years but i have to be brutally honest. "drawing" like this brings us no joy. we need to just accept that and stop forcing past it.)
we typed a LOT. and that helped a LOT. so i kind of want to hide the internet plug for another week, just type, see what happens.
i'm just... reeling, horribly, from how much more we lost with that hard drive crash. thank god, thank god we had most of our written files backed up. but we still lost our most recent data, which-- ironically-- was the heavy duty work i dedicated weeks to and then was enough of an idiot not to back up sooner. same with the music composition. how much of THAT did we lose? and the sai/psd files we'd finally been gathering up the courage to attempt again... i can't remember the last time we backed those up.
god i dont know. what do you want from me?
"do your work," you say. or at least someone says. then why the heck did you DESTROY SO MUCH OF IT?? what the heck do you want me to do when our memory is shot and we CANNOT REMEMBER WHAT WE DID AS A CHILD and that breaks my heart but we LOST it all and now you're demanding I "do the work," god i WANT to do the work but what am i even doing now??
do i start over?
do i start them all over? is that what i have to do?

maybe.

voltage and "parnassus" both got total plot overhauls anyway.
mage angels is leaning in a new direction. so is puppetstrings.
halcyon days is changing its entire construction. hokthai might be too.
oneircia is still open enough for anything to happen. so is "lg*girls."
rosewindow and dreamworld keep getting bigger, and even they are changing hugely, in key ways i never knew before.

but that's making me stop and wonder.
yeah we lost a LOT. we lost like 15 solid years of work. it was devastating.
but... what if that slap in the face was a wake-up call? what if we were SUPPOSED to let go of all of that because all those worlds needed to CHANGE COMPLETELY?
maybe. maybe. it's a thought.
did i ever say this before? if not, here it is now. i'm thinking it's true.

i just... i miss the innocent honesty of all that old work. THAT'S what i miss the most, just the simple but priceless childhood drawings, amateur work but damn it it was gorgeous as far as i was concerned, because it was sincere. because it was done to tell a story and it had no fear or ambition or doubt or pride in it.
jewel still draws like that. and she still wants to learn. she's always our hope here.



what else do we have to say for tonight.


- still reading "a grief observed." halfway through and we still can't relate to it. we should write about that fact. it surprised me to find myself believing such different things from the author.

- i get bad triggering misophonia from people eating/drinking around me and that's never been brought up to a therapist? it's problematic because of boundary issues and personal emphasis on sound-- certain sounds are very very triggering and when we hear them, it's like the hearing has already embedded them in our skin. it's invasive. it's like touch, when someone touches you and it feels like glue on your skin, or fire ants, and you have to scrub it off, well the sound is like that even worse because you can't get it out. sometimes we end up coughing or spitting or screeching to try and get it out of our own throat, but mostly the overwhelming sensation of being invaded by the sound is so awful that we end up violent.
overload came out today as a result of that when we got home, broke our belt in half. that was our outfit staple, now we have to buy a new one or literally half our outfits dont fit. see, this is how we lost our computer. people cannot cope with triggers and end up exploding from the sheer psychotic frustration. this isn't safe.

- we're still sick from the abusive eaters. they are VICIOUS, and after today we think the WORST one (a long-haired teen girl, unsurprisingly) ISN'T an alter, but is instead an abuse-bundle and/or a tar aspect? like we tried to talk to them and couldn't, they couldn't exist inside. only a screaming mess of hatred and blindness outside.
oh but they're awful. we still get physical "feeling" from inside and when we fought back and went to throw out the poison 'food' (it was utterly inedible, the bad fronters literally try to eat garbage and it's appalling) she started screeching "give me back my food you bitch!! i hate you!! i freaking hate you!! give it back damn you!!" and jumped on my shoulder and started punching me. and i felt that and i HATE when i can feel what they do to the body even when they're not "in it" because that's what julie did when she was corrupted at first and
there's no emotion tied to that.
how the heck are we going to talk about that eventually. it's a dead timeline.
and yet ashen holds ALL the pain.
just mentioning this, i can feel the sheer agony welling up from deep deep down, from her, stuck in that horrible little introjected abuse environment, all dim awful fluorescent lights and cold tile floors and nighttime inside dull artificial silence. she's curled up on the countertop sometimes (??) but she's always a mess, always a terrible mess, hair mussed up and outfits worn and thin and rumpled with dark circles under her eyes and she's so tired, she's so hurt,
one day she has to talk, what does she know, are there any others like her?

god we need coping skills because I don't know ANY of the stuff from way back when but apparently we need to work through it because ashen's existence is proof, that pain is proof, that it IS STILL RELEVANT even if i have no awareness or understanding of it.

then spotify jumps me with a half-naked ad, GET AWAY FROM ME.
why is that sinful crap everywhere too.
you and your stupid asinine alcohol adds, SHUT THE HECK UP.
no one cares about your beer and hedonism and flirting and idiocy. your stupid brainless dirty jokes and shallow egotistic obsessions. LEAVE ME ALONE.
I HATE THAT YOU SHOVE THIS GARBAGE INTO OUR SUBCONSCIOUS ALL THE TIME. SHUT UP. LEAVE US ALONE!!!!


- someone atoned on the arm yesterday. knife knew about it.
data says he fronted briefly to sob over the bathtub again. that always reminds us of a certain day. we need to review that too..

- need to dedicate a day to doing innerspace feel-work again. we need to figure out the spectrum functions as it stands now, with the new multiple-spectrum things and the color maps shifting and stuff. laurie is also wondering if karissa is going to end up our lime centralite?? she's always felt oddly "solid" and her level has always been "unknown" so maybe it's because she fits up here? we'll see. she's cool.
aqua is still a total enigma, it's such a full slot but the only person in central ever associated with it was chaos zero. but he fractured to be able to exist up here. and he cannot function totally up here as a result. besides it's not his responsibility to take care of headvoices, he's not a nousfoni, he has a different important job. so heaven only knows who will be the centralite for that color.
also. black and white are still confusing too. infinitii said it's much safer for hir to stay in the daemon spectrum, and since then who's been moving into the black central slot but our rosequartz-y lady from way way deep down. she's still very much a mystery too, she's still not someone we can interact with up here-- she's projecting a sort of overlay up here, but if you want to talk to her at all you have to go way way down to blackspace which is where she still is, all big and nebulous. so yeah, no clue if she'll be able to move into central or not, but again, we'll see.
there's still debate about jay too, partly because he's so strongly nonhumanoid at heart, and partly because "jay" is a bloodline name and he's been fracturing WAY too badly lately to keep it to himself, let alone to keep acting like he's all in one piece still because he's not.
he's broken into little bits but they're all not nice and they're all not him, he's white and he's a core bloodline person so when those bits break off they break off of the bloodline he was built from, parts he can't keep

remember, both bloodlines have their problems. we heal and learn. but pinstripe was the first "jay" along with jayce himself, who is still around, although he may not be as "original" as he feels-- he's probably fractured too. but the boy has old roots. he's just so depressed now.
poor kid. jayce has been fronting a lot lately because he's a brown-resonant and he's safe to be in the body and he doesn't get shoved out of it either. but his job is, "be a male in the body and therefore be non-abusive," but he gets so overwhelmed by the environment he's in, "what do i do," he cannot function without headspace either, thank god, but it hurts because he's also aware that to "live in the body" he has to split his focus between here and there and that's very difficult and wrenching.

i'm so tired. i'm still sick from those darn abusive eaters. well guess what NO MONEY FOR YOU!! it's for our concert and you heard us earlier, that is worth more than your addictions, and you said that was bullcrap so you are automatically now labeled as someone who isn't worth listening to. you have no respect for us, you have no empathy for others, you have no care for the consequences of your actions, OR who bears them!!
we made her front when the stomach was in horrible pain earlier and she kept fighting us off, squirming out of fronting, depersonalizing, refusing to feel it. when laurie finally shoved her (the abuser) in and she felt the pain, she laughed and said "well if THIS is what you people are feeling then i don't care if i don't stop!" basically, she saw it as more reason to be abusive. i dont know what happened then,

we did okay. we stood up for ourselves. we tried to keep safe. yeah today was scary and tough but the weekend, we're gonna try real hard to do it well, to not eat any bad things at all, to get emmett and spice out to eat instead so we can TAKE CARE of the body for once for heavens sakes, we dont want to be sick anymore, we want to be HAPPY, we're ALLOWED to be happy.


i'm exhaused. someone should have exercised this evening but the fatigue is real bad.

i hope nothing is left unfinished here becayse i'm falling asleep standing up good night.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’m working to teach myself sign language and I’m so excited.
I struggle with verbal communication-- seemingly ironically, as everyone I speak to says I am very clear and ‘intelligent’ when speaking. But forming words, and translating thoughts/ colors/ sounds/ etc. into spoken vocabulary is exhausting for me. It’s even tougher for me to understand what other people are saying verbally, as the sound+visuals+meaning is often utterly overwhelming all at once.
Upstairs it’s a bit easier-- a lot of us are nonverbal, either often or always, including me. Notably, Chaos and Infi both prefer to talk more in feelings than in words. So that tendency of ours, too, bleeds out onto the outside, and I can get a little distraught when other people can’t “hear” what I’m “saying” if my mouth is physically closed.
Anyway, here typically I watch people’s hands when then talk, as I find they “make more sense” than faces. So being able to talk with my hands, literally, is an ecstatic feeling.
I’m going to do a bit of this every day, that’s my goal.


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@ 11:16 pm


(leaving this completely uncensored for now. the pain and anger only translates correctly as such.)




today april 22

shopping, at one point I mentally hear someone talking to me with a really heavy accent, wonder who in the world that is. check and it's DAVY WTF

part of me is furiously embarrassed and full of rage/frustration/depression over this

he's an outspacer his color is a solid bright aqua


but I am TICKED OFF about this, this is all only because you started reading the OLD ARCHIVES to get a grip on "what happened" during those years also for this FCKING JOB and so you are tuning into that same soulless robot mindset of hyperactivity and mania and programming and shit and I WILL NOT HAVE THIS.

YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW WHO YOU WERE DURING THAT TIME PERIOD OKAY

2006 WAS A FCKING DEAD YEAR
2006 AND 2007 YOU DIDN’T EVEN EXIST EVERYTHING WAS HEADACHES AND TIME LOSS IT WAS BULLSHIT

"YOU" NEVER LOVED REAL PEOPLE YOU "LOVED" THE IDEA OF THEM AND THAT IS WHY I AM SO FREAKING TICKED OFF
NOW YOU HAVE THESE INTROJECTS WHO DON'T EVEN BELONG HERE BECAUSE THEY ARE FCKING BASELESS
THEY ARE IDEALIZED PHANTOMS THAT ONLY EXIST BECAUSE ONE OF US, AS A TEENAGER, THOUGHT "OH WHAT A NEAT LOOKING CHARACTER"
THERE IS NO FCKING PERSONALITY TO THESE PEOPLE

PUT THEM IN THE LEAGUEWORLDS BUT DO NOT LET THEM UP HERE
DAMN IT I AM SO FCKING TIRED OF YOU MAKING EVERYTHING SO UNNECCESSARILY FCKING COMPLICATED
STOP THIS SHIT. STOP IT

STOP TRYING TO BE WHO WE WERE IN HIGH SCHOOL AGAIN BECAUSE GUESS WHAT, WE WEREN'T DURING THAT TIME.
WHY THE FCK ARE YOU DOING THIS
IS IT BECAUSE BACK THEN EVERYTHING WAS A VOID
EVERYTHING WAS A BLUR OF FOLLOWING ORDERS AND MIMICKING WHAT YOU SAW AND READ AND HEARD
YOU DIDN'T FCKING EXIST AS A PERSON THEN AND YOU KNOW IT

YOU ARE FCKING KILLING HEADSPACE BECAUSE OF THIS IMMATURE, ASININE HABIT OF YOURS

I HAVE THE TRUTH, I HAVE REALITY LINKS HERE, I CAN WORK ON WHAT MATTERS, I DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT YOU AND YOUR ADDICTIONS AND YOUR FCKING OBLIGATIONS
I'm
I'm not trying to be proud okay? I'm not. I'm not. I'm scared and sad but I am so fcking DETERMINED.
I AM NOT YOU, I AM NOT ONE OF YOU, I DON'T LOOK LIKE THAT, FCK OFF
I AM NOT ONE OF YOU FCKING BROWN-HAIRED GIRLS WITH THE FIRE EYES
FCK OFF YOU ARE ALL KILLERS AND YOU KNOW IT

I am not you. I am not you. I am not you.
I have red hair and I burn and I work at what is REAL. I'm going to do this work. I have to.


You people tick me off so much.
Even in the League files. There's so much fcking pandering going on. You were always trying to impress or appease someone else. You and your fcking audience. FCK OFF.
THIS WAS NEVER ABOUT AN AUDIENCE.
Except one day it's going to have one, isn't that the "goal" here? And maybe THAT'S why I'm fcking procrastinating and shaking here and staring through my screen like the world is on pause and I lost the remote.
I'm scared.
I'm so damn scared of the sort of people that are in the audience, out there.
I don't want to hand over these beautiful worlds to them, to let them be ravaged.

God it makes me sick.
Every damn time you people go on Tumblr. I swear I am going to delete that fcking website. I don't give a shit what you have on there. The last one was deleted, it's very easy for me to delete this one. I will do it if you keep this shit up.
You keep looking at the fandom, don't you? You're obsessed with that show, and it's great, BUT THEN GUESS WHAT???
YOU TAINT IT. YOU FCKING TAINT IT LIKE YOU FCKING TAINTED EVERY OTHER BEAUTIFUL THING IN HERE BECAUSE YOU KEEP LOOKING TO THE FCKING WORLD OUTSIDE AND THAT WORLD IS MADE OF FCKING TERRIBLE THINGS.

I swear to God. I do, I dedicate myself. I am so fcking sad. I swear I will rip those things to the ground. I will devastate them and reduce them to ashes. I will crumble them into dust in my fists. I will fcking destroy EVERYTHING that tries to get in here, ever again.
That show was fine, it was a blessing, it was inspiring and bright and cute UNTIL YOU STARTED TO FCKING READ UP ON WHAT ”OTHER PEOPLE THOUGHT ABOUT IT."
And I will fcking TELL YOU what they thought about it, without even looking: sex, memes, immature hyper jokes, shipping, arguments, theories that are 20 pages long and unnecessarily impatient and analytical, etc.
But those two things, the sex and the jokes, those tick me RIGHT THE HELL OFF.
Those are the most fcking TOXIC THINGS IN THE ENTIRE WORLD.
Don't you fcking DARE expose yourself, OURSELF, to that shit EVER AGAIN. You stay the HELL off that cursed website before I burn it to the ground. Mark my fcking words, I am tempted to do that RIGHT NOW and really I think I will. I think I fcking will. Give me a second.

Don't tell me no. Don't you DARE. I don't give a shit if you're "stockpiling good art" or whatever the hell. It's unnecessary and it is wasting your time. Give it up. It's not needed. It's not doing ANYBODY ANY GOOD.
It's going. Right now, it's going. I will be brutal with this.


Where is everyone else. God, dear God, where is everyone else. Where are all the other brutal ones.

Hackers were all about this evening. But I'm around now. I don't let them do shit.
I realized something too.
It's our biggest problem, I think. Someone took note of it a long time ago but never properly pursued it.
With those hackers, the reason why so few of us fight back is because the hackers target the ones with this old mindset: "you are not allowed to refuse. You are not allowed to say no."
So when some fcking idiot outside tells you something, directly or indirectly or whatever, it doesn't matter-- these young people, these confused, lost, blind damaged people think that they HAVE to mimic anything that doesn't match their current behavior, because they've been told that their "individuality" is wrong. They're different, don't you know, that's "wrong"!!! BULL SHIT!!!
But they mimic. They get scared and they mimic because in their heads that's an ORDER and they are NOT ALLOWED TO DISOBEY.
So you get this fcking fandom plague. This lethal social disease. They see something on the outside that scares them, that they don't understand or like or want, something that doesn’t match them at all, something POISON, and then they think… "there must be something wrong with me." "There must be something broken in me if I'm not acting like them." "I'm supposed to do what the other people are doing, right??"
DAMN IT THIS IS SO FCKING SAD JUST STOP DOING THAT, YOU DON'T HAVE TO LISTEN TO ANYONE OUTSIDE AND YOU HAVE MY EXPLICIT PERMISSION TO STAND UP FOR YOURSELVES, OKAY???
You are allowed to be different and soft and nice and kind and quiet and DIFFERENT.
If the rest of the world is loud and brash and jeering and hyper and flirty and just feels wrong, STAY AWAY FROM THEM. YOU CAN DO THAT. YOU'RE ALLOWED.

God this is so sad.
You poor kids. You poor kids are stuck in the same time period as the worst ones.
Don't let them touch you. Don't let them touch you anymore, please. And if anyone outside looks or sounds or feels like them, run. Run away, fast, and don't look back, and don't feel "obligated" to stay, for God's sake don’t be ashamed of running. That guilt will eat your heart for dinner and you know it. You are NOT obligated to corrupt yourself just because other people have.
For God's sake, run to US. Please. Let us live for you. Let us have our reason for existing. Let us protect you, let us show you real chaste powerful love, let us stand up for you, let us strengthen you and comfort you.
Stay away. Stay far away from the outside. Please. Stay away. Drain it out of your head, our head. our heart.
There's too much of this gunk on the inside and it scares me. For God's sake, we're allowed to drain it out.

The problem is the Outspacers carry it. It's their curse. They come from that dangerous world.
I think it's why they NEED to abandon their "origins" in order to survive here. Even then they're dangerous. I'm starting to think Outspacers can't really stay in headspace, they have to go to the Leagueworlds; up here they carry poison and plague and it's too damn threatening to risk anymore… why, why, why, what do we do?



ALSO BY THE WAY
YOU DO REALIZE THIS OUTSPACER-IDEAL BULLSHIT IS CORRUPTING LAURIE???
BECAUSE YEAH, IT REALLY FCKING IS, AND HERE'S ONE HELL OF A HEADLINE FOR YOU
IT ALWAYS FCKING HAS BEEN.

Look back to before she fully manifested, back in autumn 2006, before you even dreamed of her for the first time. Look back. You KNEW there were more people in your head besides Julie.
Whoever you were "talking to" back then WAS LAURIE, BEFORE SHE BECAME A PERSON.
But that was such a bad time. That was SUCH A BAD TIME and the problem is that LAURIE HAS ALWAYS BEEN VIOLET. She has ALWAYS been the one to push buttons, and demand sincerity, and uncover the truth. She has ALWAYS been a "troublemaker" for benevolent purposes, and she has ALWAYS been sharp at the edges.
The problem? The PROBLEM? Back in that time period YOU DIDN'T FCKING CARE ABOUT MUCH THAT MEANT ANYTHING. You were a fcking cesspool of programming and even in-- ESPECIALLY in-- the beginnings of headspace, in the relationships you had with the people you loved, YOU DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT LOVE WAS, DAMN IT. ALL YOU KNEW WAS HOW TO FCKING COPY PEOPLE.
God this hurts, this hurts, this hurts so much.
She… back then, that's where she still has this awful tendency now, that she is distraught about. Back then, you hid things. You lied about your inner truth when it "didn't match the outside," when it didn't conform to what fcking SCRIPTS you were running by. FCK THAT.
Damn you. You were so fcking obsessed with "being normal" and "being good" back then and you were SO fcking TERRIFIED of Julie that you became obsessed with "having good, normal relationships."
Fuck this. I want to sob.
Back then you were… you loved people. Deep down I'm sure you did. But you didn't reach it. You buried it, you painted it over with your fcking garish obligations, with how you were told to act, with how you saw the world acting.
You had no mirrors then. Damn it, you had no fcking mirrors, you didn't even know that you existed.
You followed the script they gave you. No wonder you were always so distraught and confused. No wonder you always drowned it in fake loud laugher and regurgitated vocabulary. You didn't exist. And when you felt the edges of real truth, of the true existence deep within you/us, you were scared. That didn't match the fcking script, after all.
And that's where the corruption came in.
Yeah, you loved the Outspacers, in a chaste childlike way. You loved the crueler ones in the way that our Cores STILL love lost people-- in a way that is compassionate, and wants to relieve pain, and see light blossom where there was only shadow before. THAT kind of love. NOT ROMANCE.
But no one told you could have that, back then.
And Julie was constantly screaming in your ear, a mouthpiece for the Tar inside and out, that there were other things you SHOULD want.
And you were so lost.
Yes, you loved them. But you tried so damn hard to convince yourself that your love was something different. You tried so hard to sound romantic, like you were in the movies or in a book-- the only context you had to mimic, after all, outside of your mother's awfully sugar-poisoned speech patterns.
You lied. You lied about the most important things.
You were in denial of the REAL truth and you fcking pasted it over with magazine clippings because you didn't feel you had the right to write your own notes.
You get the picture.
All that hurt Laurie.

All that fcking Outspacer shit has been killing her for almost 10 years now.
And until you stop looking at the world through those old blind eyes, it is going to continue to kill her.
STOP.


LOOK BACK TO THE FCKING PHOTOS WE HAVE FROM 2007.
THAT PERSON WAS TOXIC. THEY WERE NOTHING BUT A DEAD-EYED AUTOMATON AND THEIR SMILES ARE STRETCHED AND EMPTY AND MANIC.
IF THAT WAS YOU THEN FCK YOU TO HELL AND BACK, AND GET THE HELL OUT OF OUR HEAD!!!

That person. That exact person, whoever the fck was in those 2007 photographs, is our most dangerous "alter" in the System that we know of right now.
Things have gotten so weird lately. But we can pinpoint the vibes of people still. And the vibe of the manic, "to hell with the consequences because I'm not the one paying them," destructive, hateful one… it matches her. It matches those photos.
It also matches the vibe of the ones that would sell their bodies and souls for a dollar.
It's terrifying. They all look the fcking same.
WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED AT THAT TIME TO DO THIS TO US???

I can't look at them. There's an awful shaking fear that bubbles up in our chest when I do, something scary…
That person feels like they will strangle us alive with that same damn plastic smile and hair and OH MY GOD. OH GOD THEY HAVE THE MOTHER'S VIBE. I DIDN'T EVEN CATCH THAT UNTIL JUST NOW.
Someone take that down. Archivists, Garrison, please, WRITE THAT DOWN. Our theory was right. Whoever "we" were back in 2006-2008 or so, whoever was on deviantART, really WAS a carbon copy mimic of the mother. They were an amalgam of the only "social actions" we ever knew, of the only way we had ever seen someone behave in interpersonal contexts.

That brings me right back to the fcking "can't say no or else" point. God damn it. God damn it.
Laurie that is catching your vibe. I'm not a solid person I'm a bubble of glass, I'm a transparent shell of a person, but I'm data. I run. Your vibe is catching here.
What's the problem? The problem is your roots. The problem is your roots, love. They're rotten.

This is why your color keeps fading. This is why you keep slipping. Your roots are rotten. Your anchor is rusted.
You're like Amethyst. You're the only good thing that came from that horrible place.
You can be reborn, you can redefine yourself. Be violet. Be who you ARE, now. Be YOU.
Stop letting people drag you back to that dead time. You are not a fading dream or an alter ego or an internalized voice or a tape player. You are not a collection of influences. You are a PERSON. You are you, and you exist, so LET GO OF THE DAMN CHAINS AND BE YOU, LAURIE, PLEASE LISTEN TO THEM AND JUST… let go. Let go of all you were. I think we ALL need to do that.
I think we all need to burn the photographs. I think we need to set the old house on fire for good.
I think that's what the bad feeling is about that we need to listen to. No wonder we couldn't go back.




…Can I just say that is really fcking disturbing.
I've noticed this trend. We all have. Especially the Undergrounders, they brought it to clarity.
There's too much "talking to" who we assume to be "Jay." It's not. They TAKE that name, being the main people out. Just like they used to call themselves "Jewel," all those false fronters. Name thieves.
But it's highly unsettling, to realize JUST HOW OFTEN this happens.
"Let me tell YOU this," etc. I'm in here, we're in here, we're all writing TO someone. Someone who has more "fronting rights" than us, someone who is allegedly out ALL the time, or at least often enough to merit THIS sort of talk, this talk like they're responsible for EVERYTHING.
It's scary. It really is. Who are these people?? Who's really in control here??
The only good days, the only clear days, are those in which there is a CONSCIOUS PERCEIVED SPLIT IN REALITY. As long as the "main fronter" isn't aware that there is MORE than their stupid physical programmed life, then we're going to die. Life is going to suck. There NEEDS to be a break.
This feels bad and crumbly. I'm sorry. This isn't the topic I want to talk about.
There are too many people being given control of the body who should NOT HAVE IT. Underline that twenty times please. THEY HAVE NO RIGHT TO DRIVE THIS LIFE
It's the lie we've been hearing since childhood and that is "this body is ours."
THERE'S A CATCH IN THE TITLE OF OWNERSHIP YOU KNOW
IF YOU ABUSE THE BODY, IF YOU IGNORE THE OTHER "TENANTS" IN HERE,
YOU DON'T FCKING "OWN" ANYTHING.
THE INSTANT YOU DECIDED TO TRASH THIS PLACE TO SPITE THE REST OF US, YOU LOST EVERY FCKING "RIGHT" YOU HAD TO BE HERE.
THIS IS NOT YOUR BODY. EVEN IF IT WAS ONCE, YOU'VE FCKED IT UP, GOODBYE. THIS IS NOT YOURS. GET THE HELL OUT.
No abusers, no blind ones, no numbers, no plaguers, no HACKERS, NO FCKING TAR-STAINED HELLIONS ARE ALLOWED IN THIS SYSTEM DO YOU HEAR ME
GET OUT!!!!!



Heartspace exists. It's not synonymous with Headspace. That's big news.

Laurie was talking to Cel today in light of the Outspacer stuff, also the Pokémon ties to that Jewel brought up the other day… the tangible, tangy-bitter truth that these Outside people cannot stay where they are now, as they are now, it feels wrong. Like a boning knife stuck behind the ribs, all grapefruit-section tearing and orange rawness.
Cel said Heartspace, the "drop-down level" where everything is deep green forests, is closer to the Leagueworlds than it will ever be to old Headspace, the violet "up-top" place where it's all cities and stars.
Heartspace is where Outspacers BELONG. Close to the League, ideally in it, perhaps INSTEAD of with us now.
Laurie couldn't even be there properly as a Headvoice. Too much level dissonance, something.
It needs to be reviewed. It feels hopeful, God there's so much relief in that possibility, that we can let the Outspacers STAY there, for them to have their OWN home, their own fitting place… we love them but we need to bite the bullet and just admit this feeling, they don't belong Upstairs. It's felt so wrong, so wrong, for months now, and we couldn't accept that, we couldn't hold that in one hand and our love for them in the other.
Now this feels like a solution with no loss. God, let it work, let this work, please, let this work. Let us be who WE are, let them be who THEY are.

Damn it I think bridging the gap only works if it STAYS A BRIDGE.
Travel is necessary and implied, notice. You can't live on the damn bridge itself.
The garden… is a garden. The city… is a city. We can have gardens in the city, always, little pockets of green… but we can't put a city in the garden. We tried, we tried to rebuild, Knife got the farthest… but it collapsed, all of the architecture crumbled, it felt pointless. It was.
We didn't belong there, not as we are now, not as we were then. There needs to be changes, bigger changes, better changes…

We need to stop going back to the past and letting this shit get dragged up again.
If people are talking and still alive then fine, it's because that glimmer of them never died, but it's OLD, and it DOESN'T MATCH US.
Stop trying to go back then. THEY AREN'T!!! And you know it! They ARE NOT WHO THEY WERE "BORN" FROM IN 2006. SO LEAVE THAT TIMELINE THE HELL ALONE, IT'S DEAD.

Leave it alone. Leave it alone. If it feels bad, if it makes your heart sick, if it makes you want to pull your hair out and cry, leave it alone. Please.


You only liked Jasper because her face reminded you of Laurie.


Stop fcking denying the truth. Stop rerouting everything.

I'm going to try and help you. I'm going to try. But you need to fcking listen to me. All of us.


I have to be up early tomorrow to drive the grandmother to a doctors appointment and I am so crushingly tired I want to cry. It's been like this for weeks. We're always so tired. We can't work, we're exhausted, I think one day we just need to… do nothing. Somehow.
…No.
No, one day we need to just go Upstairs and stay there.

We're homesick.

 

 

 

 

 

okay I apologize if this is an utter mess but I need to write this down now, because I will not remember it in the morning.


11:30pm. hack attempts. cannon screaming in car. her shouting hurt terribly, mentally and physically. then went on porch to try and find quiet, but she was still screaming, threatening, insults. very loud. then laurie showed up, they were fighting? it's blurry. anyway I know for a fact that julie showed up, extremely distraught, began angrily asking why this was happening. who in the world was causing hack attempts again, and why?? again I'm sorry but I can't remember much of this, just visuals and vibe. cannon asked her why she was "dressing like a two-penny whore" (julie still wears minimal clothing) and julie just straightened up, gave her a stern look and said that she was dressing how she felt comfortable, and that only cannon was calling her a whore. she strongly added that no one deserved to be called such things based on their dress; it was completely unwarranted, and in truth only spoke as to the inner opinions and vision of the one using the term. anyway cannon backed off at this, I think faded out? because then next thing I recall is laurie and julie sitting down, discussing the situation, trying to pinpoint just who was responsible, who was just letting hack attempts happen without caring or fighting?
I mentioned the numb-gray voice that's been fronting for weeks, said it was "so tired" all the time it literally just did what it was told to do. like the AP but not robotic; this one was absolutely resigned and just wanted total nothingness. it wasn't fighting off hack attempts because it had no strength or motivation to do so; it just gave up and then hackers took over.
somewhere around here laurie said something a little too flippantly, julie jumped up and told her to stop acting like that. "I miss the old you." saying laurie was losing her edge, she was slipping. surprisingly laurie agreed, said that her new tendency to laugh everything off was a "different set of walls," and it was "making her color gray out." julie vehemently agreed, said laurie needed to be fierce again, unflinching, and not tolerating of the things she was now just mocking or brushing aside. she had to be a knight again, she had to get her brutality back because without it her function was failing. ultimately laurie did tap into this and her color notably clarified, it scared me a little to think that she had been falling somewhat. I'll admit I'd been terrified too and she'd been feeling too strange lately but I had been too doubtful of "whether or not this was better" to speak up. again, due to the numbness.

anyway on that note I think they asked me to look for the numb voice then, so they could deal with it somehow. all I know for sure is that I tried, and felt that gray voice move in almost immediately. laurie reached forwards and yanked it out, upstairs it manifested as an almost ghostly form-- no real body, just misty white in a humanoid shape.
I think julie was yelling at it, no idea. it was unstable and kept catching vibes of other 'bodiless' voices so laurie was trying to keep it solid but it was getting violent. then, at some point javier showed up! that was a surprise. he was very angry, actually pushed laurie back and grabbed that spectre by the throat, demanding what it was trying to prove, etc. shockingly it grinned and immediately turned into jezebel?? javier let go in surprise, there was tar on his hand. laurie tried to zap it off but javier said no, then summoned flames up and down his arms, burnt it away. but jezebel kept attacking, getting more on him than he could handle. laurie was holding her off the best she could, but then she shouted for infi's help.
ze showed up immediately in a very shocking manner; sort of a full-room "coalescing" vibe, wings wide and angry. grabbed all the tar off javier, split it into three throwing daggers and flung them at jezebel. pinned her to the wall! she grinned, that was of course only temporary, and pulled them out in order to be able to move again. however those few seconds were all infi needed-- ze instantly became this monstrous thing of crystal teeth and eyes, loomed over her. jezebel actually looked afraid, but she then laughed and turned into a semi-humanoid mess of tangled tar, tried to infect hir. but infi said (voice sounded VERY different) that she could not corrupt hir, and in an instant ze chomped down on the jezebel-tar thing. that caused the tar to break and then splash as neutralized black energy; the immediate conversion was clearly visible.
jezebel was still fighting, trying to infect hir still (if enough pure tar got into infi at once it would indeed be a problem), but then infi did something unusual. maybe via hir teeth, when ze bit again, all the black energy began to pop and crackle in this bright white explosions? picture several flashbulbs going off at once, with a sound like fireworks. this caused the black energy to be totally flipped to white energy on the spot. jezebel stopped fighting, left nothing but the tar, infi kept eating it. again every single bite caused the white light pops, even as ze swallowed it. once the tar was totally converted to white energy, infi changed hir form a bit again, huge mouth, snakelike. coughed up one huge crystal (hexagon? hit floor and barely even rolled; very heavy), then did a lot of almost convulsive form-warping to spit out another, slightly bigger one. infi then reverted back to normal I assume-- for some reason, as infi was coughing up the second crystal, I completely 'tuned out' of headspace. no idea why; I can't remember.

the next thing I can remember is infi kneeling in front of me, asking if I was okay. I was sitting on the ground and feeling incredibly dazed. javier and laurie were behind hir, julie standing a little behind them. I can't remember if I said anything.

anyway, long story short, infinitii decided to try to "tear" the foggy gray voice 'into' me, instead of out-- so it would take my place in the upstairs body (that can happen for cores, only them though). that way it would stay stable and maybe they could talk to it. I know for sure that nathaniel was called in to 'hold me down,' to be an extra stabilizing force. so he knelt to my right and held my shoulders.
well anyway the first attempt or three didn't work entirely. infi reached into my chest field and pulled out this stringy-gray (like actual tangled string) energy mass, looked somewhat confused at this. no matter what it wasn't clearing out though. I still felt awful inside. anyway I was already massively dissociated so infi pulled me half-out of the body (reached way back in and yanked). I immediately lost body senses-- I was now floating in some vague position 'within' the body field, but I was technically not in the body anymore. however no one else was fully in it, and I was stuck somehow. not a clean break in any case.
then after a moment of consideration, infi apologized, flared hir wings and shoved me out, with a double-handed push to the chest. it had massive force. flung me back into 'levelless' white space (straight out of that headspace level!). I hit a wall with my back and then fell forwards to floor, on my knees. crystal shards fell scattered around me? like broken glass. anyway the impact helped too, as I felt disconnected but clear now, except for my head, which still had that tarry fog feeling.
realized there was this wand-shaped crystal going straight through my skull, from the center of my forehead back to the base of my cerebellum? slight angle. this scared me, but I tried to calm down, wanted it out. remembered that inner imagery is very important, figured this was symbolizing some sort of plagued 'frozen' effect on my third eye or something. but it was definitely showing me a big problem.
I think I called leon. either way, he showed up, to my left. I couldn't quite talk, so I indicated the problem. he moved in front of me, then carefully pulled the crystal out. some residue got on his hands from it? looked like silver skidmarks. I think the crystal crumbled. he burned it off with a flare of indigo energy points, the white residue fell off softly like snowflakes. I thought that was fitting.
then leon placed one hand on both 'holes' in my head, said that needed to be 'flushed out.' he considered calling someone but neither of us knew who, so after a moment of hesitant anxiety he decided he'd do it; after all he was the best man for the job. so through his hands, he began filling the hole in my head with indigo light.
as he did, I saw the energy filling my vision downstairs, this gorgeous hue, but all sparkly dots slowly filling my head and my eyes. there was a moment of fear and awe; "this is real. this is actually happening." I pushed the fear aside, focused on the feeling of healing. very peaceful, grateful.
leon said we needed to 'cover up' the holes? essentially said it couldn't be left wide open like that or dangerous things could get in; it'd be 'too open.' I had a sudden mental image of a bandage on my forehead like naota from flcl, didn’t question it, felt relevant.
leon then asked, couldn't I keep power jewels on all the time? I said yeah, probably (I think eros had the set in the past). leon said I should, if I could. that would help immensely.

I could feel they wanted me back upstairs but couldn't get back myself. leon said he'd warp me back, so he did. laurie immediately asked how he got there, leon briefly mentioned the mind's-eye thing. then he saw nat to my right and smiled so genuinely, greeted him. and I got this huge flash that 'that was important.'

on that note, I was still super-dazed so memory is bad. but I clearly remember that leon ended up back in front of me, and I wasn't in the body?? he was talking to the numb gray voice!!! (which was responding to the name 'fogbank?' at least temporarily)
it was actually very upset about this topic? it kept trying to leave, to unplug the entire inner vision from headspace and 'numb out,' but although its influence was surprisingly powerful, infi wouldn't let it leave; kept pulling it back in. we asked it why it was so exhausted, why was it so loathe to perceive the inner world, why was that so tiring for it? leon added something to that question, asked if that feeling was tied to the 'floating voices?' it said yes, that was especially exhausting, but then it explained why. apparently this gray voice was terrified that, if it did open up its third eye in truth (leon said it was closed in fear), that it would be "obligated" to become a channel and nothing more. it would then be required to become nothing but a conduit for floating voices, for angels or aliens or whoever, to do nothing but become their mouthpiece. it felt that, if it became aware of such beings outside of itself, then it HAD to sacrifice any and all feelings of individuality, of having a body, of being a person. it needed to become "totally selfless." it saw no other option, and it was so tired, it just numbed out rather than face that "inescapable fate" that it said would happen IF it tuned back into intuitive knowing and things.
laurie spoke up here, said that's exactly how the child fronters thought. they existed ONLY for the leagueworlds; they lived to write and draw, and that was it. only the dawn of headspace forced a 'sense of self' to truly develop, and that occurrence has long been seen as a sort of "original sin" by many downstairs voices in the system. anyway leon added that there was nothing wrong with individuality, but even in his saying that I could feel a massive denial from the mind. it didn't believe him and was afraid to; it still strongly believed that "only total selflessness was good." at that, either laurie or javier said that's why headspace is being ignored; we're all facets of self, we're all individualized parts of soul, and according to that old moral code we shouldn't exist, because that very individualization was "wrong."
right around then leon moved his hands on the body's head again, filling it with indigo light. he looked upset and sad, but began telling the gray voice that this was what real intuition felt like; it wasn't barking orders, it wasn't constant stress, it wasn't fear. he then said "it's this," and actually kissed my forehead where it had been impaled. instantly there was this slow bloom of compassion from somewhere down in the chest, deep indigo color.
leon continued talking to it. he said that if you hold fear, you see fear. if you hold love, you see love. therefore the fogbank voice, as long as it was quietly terrified of what it might see, would never be able to see us in that mindset. but by the same token, it didn't ever have to be afraid of us. we would never treat it like the floating voices would. ultimately at the end of whatever he was saying he paused and then deliberately kissed its forehead again. right then, whoever was speaking through the body changed. like the fogbank voice couldn't hold that feeling so strongly. this new voice felt like pieces of someone forming, or trying to anchor. but it spoke to leon for a bit, repeating back that same train of thought, so leon's eyes lit up as he realized that whoever was in the body now understood.
however, the most notable bit about it was, right before it left (it was fading fast), it was holding this feeling of water internally? like an actual space, inside the chest cavity, this indigo-blue deep water in a very mosque-like room. both leon and nat caught attention, infi too due to the architecture. leon was excitedly talking about it, saying "that is what I meant" as far as energy vibes go, asked where that water was? infi said it was definitely not the chthonic water; that was very different (I think javier said something about it). and yet both those waters were "held" in that space in the body: within the ribs.
so that on top of leon's compassion made us suddenly realize the most important thing: the mind and the heart NEED to be linked. especially in order for intuition to work right at ALL.
I also remember, after that realization, leon ended up embracing nat in tears, really sincerely. I overheard him say "I love you" and I realized that was the first time I'd heard him say it in front of other people. nevertheless nat responded to him in kind. the whole thing was deeply moving personally.

power jewels were again mentioned somewhere around here. I couldn't get any to manifest though; instead there was this really bright flash like a lightbulb blowing out and it hurt, I apologized. felt like my forehead was charred. leon said he was sorry, didn't mean to make me feel like I had to force anything. I said I was just surprised I couldn't get the old ones to work anymore.

something happened here; I 'shorted out' mentally due to overstrain and the SPECTRUM started talking on the mind-heart topic instead?? everyone shut up quick, that’s like having god suddenly send you a telegram. I am so sorry but I forget its exact words, because since my body has to be technically empty for that to happen, the plague crept in fast. it was talking about the fogbank voice at the time; said it was allegedly a Gray slot holder? but which slot we didn't know. anyway I clearly remember the Plague asking if the fogbank voice was the true gray core, as a neutralizer. it then asked if Sherlock was "neutral or not" but that felt accusatory and proud. anyway we felt the switch, upon which infi ran over, and fiercely got it out of my body (easy as it was the only thing in there)-- ze threw it across the room I think. all I really remember is seeing this huge evil-feeling crystal mass over to the right, laurie quickly asked infi if he could purify it, ze said "I could but it’s not easy; that's jay's job." well I was still stuck in interim space but I was not going to slack off. so I focused as hard as I could and willed myself into the crystals. laurie saw this, shouted "jay what the hell are you doing" and got out her axe. but i wasnt scared (too floaty to be so) and i quickly sent out a burst of light to fill the crystals, and held it like a glow. that clarity defused the plague, it was gone; I was now inside the crystals. they collapsed all at once like flour or snow, I was some sort of amorphous shape in the middle, rather dazed. everyone ran over, infi first, ze took my face in hir hands and pressed our foreheads together, I felt ze was overwhelmed with relief. ze then asked me if I was okay, but that action basically white-washed my mind with content bliss, so I couldn't respond. laurie was worried at my silence, but infi smiled and assured her that I was fine-- basically, since i wasn't responding in words to that action, that was a good sign. if i hadn't been so affected by hir sincerity then there would be a problem.
I was very tired, slipping a bit. infi embraced me then, head to my chest and wings around me. everyone resumed the conversation while I just soaked up the positive vibes finally and held the consciousness stable.
on that note, as we spoke we realized that the fogbank voice actually has a VERY important role if used right-- it keeps the mind from being too overwhelmed?


archivists showed up; opened ceiling gate and jumped down (left it open for light).
I cannot remember when or why, just that they were a massive help for the current topic.
I do know they were talking about the water from before-- water in and of itself was important. I remember thinking of cz, knew there had to be some sort of link. garrison said, rather brightly, "chaos zero has had a profound impact on the aqua slot," despite him now being in the White spectrum (due to outspacers finally moving entirely).
someone asked if aqua was still tied to "devotion and fortitude," garrison said that was still being checked. isadora said that definitely fit him; he was utterly devoted to his work and the service of others. garrison agreed like she had just stated the weather; a nod and a 'well of course,' as if not being so devoted was unthinkable. I think isadora said, maybe aqua is tied to 'selflessness' of the right sort? garrison wondered momentarily, then animatedly drew up the aqua slot hexagon in the air, began comparing that to its other holders.
minty, our sleeper, works as a messenger and comforter. her whole job is helping other people. einsatz is mute but a musician, who lets himself 'be devoured by' the music (as isadora said) so he can share that same absolute wonder of it with others. emmett and tobiko are both e.d. voices who make sure the body doesn't get sick, and deal with maintenance to alleviate any sickness that may occur. both also deal(t) with the purgation issue, which although a failsafe measure, is still problematic and depressing-- and which takes a lot of guts and selflessness to hold as a job.
so yeah that might work for aqua. anyway the core is still unknown.

i remember that as garrison was finding stuff out, kalisha was writing it all down on a big clipboard pad, as she did it went into the data archives? that was awesome to see.

isadora has this ability to "pull things out of thin air," both with ideas and also in the way people kept pulling stuff and people out of me earlier. apparently she has a powerful knack for it.
I know she DID pull something/someone out of me at one point, but for the life of me I cannot remember what.

someone called sherlock in. he was "below" our space, he seemed reticent to come up at first but did. opened a gate like a door and walked through it. the other archivists actually bowed a little in respect when he showed up.
(I keep getting this weird feeling that sherlock heard the plague accusation earlier but that doesn't fit temporally; I'm probably getting something confused. I apologize for any inaccuracy as a result; I'll fix this later if my memory cooperates.)


in light of the individuality thing, sherlock did point out that's what causes "name mixups" among partners in headspace usually. like I'll accidentally call nat 'leon,' etc. sherlock said it's because when people's energy gets that close, that it blurs a little? and so on some level of consciousness they're recognized as 'one being' in a sense. kind of like a smaller manifestation of how we are as a system.


I think we started discussing colors again then.
anyway, ultimately I remember javier telling nat and leon what red energy's 'role' felt like; he said it was tied to the raw joy of life? it was the feeling of existing, of residing in a physical form, of being a living being. it was like the feeling of blood in the veins, of creating art with your bare hands. like a fire inside. he was excited and wrapped up in describing it, although struggling to find fitting words. but really he was radiating the essence so we got it.
he then asked spine to describe what brown energy was like, because that was a totally different sort of grounding. spine paused, then said it was like the earth, like stone under the earth. it was silent and solitary, but it was strong, and it knew and cared for all the 'red' life that it supported. she said it was the bones in the body, like her; it was a foundation, not holding the passion of red but instead holding a sort of calm power. again the vibe was crystal-clear from her. also the whole time she spoke (deliberately, with slightly broken language) lynne was giving her this look of total proud affection and admiration. spine looked at her once and since I was a 'floating awareness' then I saw it, and it was so clear.

someone asked lynne what orange was like? "was it tied to femininity as a whole"? the conversation got kind of convoluted, lynne said she was originally reddish but it was more cerise, and then julie asked "is that what the cerise slot is like?" lynne said she didn't know, I think javier asked what the difference was between pink and cerise. julie said we weren't sure, but she began describing what pink felt like-- it was soft and light, like cotton candy and flower petals, totally soothing but affectionate. very light! while cerise had a sort of denseness to it.
mulberry and jeremiah showed up then, had felt the resonance (that's typical). jeremiah smiled and walked over to sit by javier, just seeing him look so simply happy really lit me up.
mulberry talking about her role, kind professionalism. some confusion here as there's no cerise core yet and mulberry has had role trouble. I remember sherlock was helping her out on that topic though (they are buddies after all).
someone said cerise felt like 'femininity plus masculinity,' like a balance?
jeremiah spoke up to support that; said his job was that of a protector to the children, to take away all pain from them. it was a 'masculine' role; he had to be strong, tough, unflinching, unafraid. and yet he also had to be 'feminine' for the children-- compassionate, empathetic, soft, nurturing. his job required a balance of both in harmony. this fit mulberry, too.
so that's the main difference between cerise and pink; both hold femininity but cerise has a "punch" to it

lynne finally got to talk about orange in light of that. again reiterated her role wasn't just femininity. her role was literally becoming the sort of person our core could never be: a woman who loved what she was, who loved her life and could live it in total joyous strength. that feeling was very 'orange' really

jo said yellow was more exuberant, fiercely independent in a personal sense. orange was more 'mellow' and dealt with interactions; it was more community oriented essentially. 'personable' vs 'personal'
waldorf spoke up for a while then. said blue was tied to communication, but she had started off as a sort of 'literary muse'-- a being who held bits and pieces of every source that inspired jewel's work style. but that was communication too; people put their ideas out there into the world, fearlessly, not being afraid of their own voice. and others listened, and shared in it. waldorf was saying that's kind of like blue was like? both the speaking and the listening; like this sharp inner awareness within a sense of calm?
she used the phrase "truth in technology" at one point, I caught an allusion to her techno-trees from yesterday before she went on.
she also mentioned the scratched-disc necklace, not only was that an outside borrow (xilats), but in a way it did fit her role? she got a bit angry/upset, I remember her saying "hindsight is 20/20" and she was one of the oldest headvoices in the system. so she knew what people kept trying to "rewind" to, and it wouldn't work. too much had happened, too much had grown, and it was beautiful. you can't try to reset everything to live in a false projected "everything is perfect" ideal. waldorf said that wasn't the truth, and it was effectively a desire to "erase the story that was written" or something. a blackout of communication, a total lack of listening to truth. really blue is quite complex! there's no real "roots" to the color, shockingly, not yet at least. it's rich but vague. garrison agreed; said the only other confirmed blue is "nienna," who also deals with communication.
(the gent was not mentioned, which garrison realized with shock later; this may be because he's still arguably a fragment, totally faceless. nevertheless unintentional skips must always be taken seriously.)


concerns about color slippage.
MAJOR warnings to laurie, from sherlock notably. julie backed him up on this again. laurie didn't disagree at all, promised to do better, sincerely.
lynne saying laurie was "whitening" too much, but she herself was getting "too dark?" there was too much negativity getting thrown into the feminine idea, and it was catching her badly.
julie got very upset about this again, I remember her wringing her hands in her hair and trying not to cry from anger.


I cannot remember how all this ended.
my brother came out onto the porch while lynne was speaking at one point, so suddenly there was light and noise, and I had to move inside. when I did I realized it was 12:30 and, now that I was up and moving, that the body was massively tired. so I jumped back inside for a few minutes, we all agreed that I had better go write this all down before it started to fade (total consciousness level switch!) and here I am.

now honestly it is 2 hours after that and I cannot think. so this is what we've got. hope it works!
much love to all my system mates I love you guys so much

 

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@ 03:46 am

oh. almost forgot to post this earlier.

today i went outside and i never wanted to go back inside.
the sunlight was so warm, the leaves are starting to fall, the air is wonderful. it's heaven.
i forgot how good pine sap smells. it got all over my hands.
i went and stood by the lilac tree, put my hands on a branch, felt so much life in it. i was really humbled by that. everything outside is so tangibly alive. i miss it terribly, getting buried in it all.
of course i said hello to my favorite cherry tree, i love it so. i hugged it and realized that its bark smells really lovely too. not something you can put into words at all.
stood on the lawn for a while and watched the sun go down. i keep wanting to drink sunlight. like i am literally only ever hungry for light or sound anymore. the other day i actually tried to drink the sunset like gaudior drinks moonlight. it surprised me when i couldnt do so actually. kind of heartbreakingly frustrating when things dont line up like that.
but i will need to start going outside for at least a solid hour every day again. i need to. i have to, it's too nice


the only problem dear is be careful, you forget everything else.
you get so lost in the trees that you forget to live. you want to stand on that lawn forever and never go back to being a person.
definitely go outside, sure. definitely immerse yourself in that love. but be careful.
that massive dissociation caused some massive hack attempts this evening, which you wouldn't know about. but please be careful.


...
jay here. it's 3:25am and i am listening to this and i need to write this down.
last night. i went to sleep around this same time and cz was there, as always. he was mostly asleep though due to the time.
but... i forget what i said. i remember feeling sad because emotions are still tricky. i wondered why he was always there, i asked him don't you have anywhere else to be?
his eyes were barely open, one arm around my shoulder. he said no. i asked why.
...he said i was his home. literally, "because you're my home."
i laughed at first. what do you mean, i'm your home, what about the emerald shrine? what about the places where you were long before you met me? you belong there more, surely. why aren't they your home, even now?
and he just said, "because home is where the heart is."
...
he wasn't even looking at me. he was barely even awake. and yet isn't that when we're the most honest?
my eyes drifted down to that ruby and i failed to hold back a sob, only to have it come out as "i love you." it ached.
and he just smiled. "i love you too." eyes still closed. but i could see him clear as day.
i miss that.
i miss all of this, and i hate this lie of a void in my heart, this hollow emptiness brazenly standing in front of everything and pretending that there's nothing behind it.
but the air has the scent of the ocean, of the rain, of the river, always, always. and even if it makes no fucking sense you can't lie to me. it's there. and it has never not been there.

the night before, his eyes were green in the dark again. undeniable. i still don't know how to explain that.
genesis was there i think. infi was with us on friday. laurie is always nearby.

you know laurie keeps teasing me about the kissing thing and i know it's because she's got walls up
she knows the real reason. it's because i can't do something that intimate with someone unless there is sincere trust there.
laurie has seen me at my worst. she's seen me bleed. she's seen me die.
and she's seen my brightest days, too. all the love and light and hope.
well guess what, i want to have that level of personal understanding and compassion with everyone in the system.
i want that sort of bond of trust between me and everyone else.
some people are really close to laurie's level already. we've seen enough of each other, enough rawness, enough genuine life, to have enough genuine, pure love between us by now. the sort of love that erases fear, that makes you completely comfortable and reverent around the other person.
i don't know why laurie is slipping. it breaks my heart. is she still scared of being used? was this a failed failsafe?
i don't know but i will talk to her. everyone. i want and need to. daily priority, all of them. they're my life. they're my life.
i want to kiss everyone in the system because i adore them and damn it i don't want any walls up between anyone at this point. i don't want to feel this stupid downstairs hesitation and self-doubt around them. there is no need to be afraid. none.
this is what leon was talking about. guess what he's the first headvoice i kissed besides laurie, no surprise.
but i can't joke about this either. i wish there was better, more delicate language. stuff untainted by tar.
maybe we just need to scrub it out. or realize that the tar was just put there. it's not part of it.
well infi's watching me now, i better go upstairs. ze says i should get some sleep but also that i should stop talking about this for now before i overthink it. good idea.

anyway i am so sorry boss for going to sleep at 4am, things were just all over the place today, you know weekends.
we'll do better tomorrow. we always do. i love that about us.

i love everything about this, who am i kidding
good and bad
it's all part of the kaleidoscope
this paradox of stained-glass color and shadow
of light and dark and beautiful broken pieces
and i am madly in love with it.


have a good morning.

♥