oct 17 2015

[prismaticbleed]

Today…

- Javier in the morning. barely conscious. Realizing how POWERFUL his presence is being the main Red person. realizing differences between red, pink, cerise, & black in terms of relationships and emotions: pink is affection, cerise is sensuality, black is (pro)creation, and red appears to deal with creation in a non-sexual sense? Hence all the Red artists and manics; they use that energy very actively but independently. Again its not something we’ve really looked into but the feeling was essentially very clear at that hour, so.

- bizarre but interesting dreams again; more cats, body horror, very disturbing. Most notably, laurie was in the dream at one point, to save whoever the dreaming alter was, and to tell them that “you don’t ever let yourself be carried” in response to the alter thinking of how they carried “everything and everyone inside them” and they were profoundly tired from the strain.

- laurie was outright sobbing later on over the mess of a fronter situation; “I feel so helpless,” “I don’t know how to protect you anymore,” etc. lynne showed up to comfort her and the two spoke for a while; laurie asked lynne to help her with this, specifically to “fight,” lynne said she would. I remember laurie saying “you know I love you, right?” lynne did hug her, asked permission first. Also at some point laurie asked lynne if she could have a shield too and lynne said absolutely. Later in the day they both DID protect the fronter from something and they both used shields to do so.

- someone promised retribution for all the careless/ misguided hacks lately; none of them have been recorded save for one, due to us really just trying not to think about that anymore. 50% it’s working and 50% it’s not. But we’re again wondering if tangible consequence would push our success rate further for the sake of showing the System-ignorant fronters that they can’t just do what they want. Problem is they EXIST to do those things; the psyche fractured INTO such abusive alters for God knows what reason, but because of that a lot of them firmly believe that “there IS nothing more to life than this.” Well Julie said that once, now look at her. Either way I think we desperately need a new approach to iron out the last massive obstacles here, which are surprisingly NOT malicious, just devastatingly tangled.

- Javier and cel were talking about their strong fronting rights in the morning too, both wondering if they should be more active AS fronters? Cel especially tearing up and saying “I’m going out and I’m not going back in” but, sadly, we don’t always have a “choice” due to triggers.

- jewel found her hat in the closet and came back FULL FORCE. So she stuck around for about 4 hours solid at least until we had to go to church. Clarification: Phantomilian Jewel is 10, this Jewel (the main one, tied to Dream World with NO RELATIONSHIPS) is about 11-12, the “first one in Heartspace” Jewel is 12-13 (she’s STILL around too and she’s STILL 100% in love with Rio), the “hyper” Jewel (original “spinningcannon”) is 14-15, Hoseki is 15-16? (Chaos seriously mellowed her out over time so thank God for that)… Then once we hit 17-18 the “Jewel bloodline” basically collapsed thanks to Spinny and then the line gender shifted in 2009 anyway so there haven’t been any new Jewels since then, although the title IS STILL USED to refer to the Cores, in a political sense so to speak. But yeah, when we say “Jewel” we mean the 2002 one. She’s solidly anchored into RED (her hair AND eyes changed to match; they were originally brown but she cant hold that anymore), as the main person of that color in what we THINK is the “Social Spectrum.” There are indeed multiple “Spectrums” which makes things far more coherent; we’re all in one System ultimately though. Anyway Jewel’s biggest role is the fact that she is the GAP BRIDGER; she has solid ties to BOTH Headspace and the Leagueworlds, and is able to work with both SIMULTANEOUSLY if need be. So that’s incredible. She IS teaching Jay Iridos how, we think.

- looking through old documents we realized that our art style is basically STUCK IN 2005 or so? which makes sense as our last “real artists” were out then (high school). Of course there have been massive improvements but the base look is obviously stuck. Jewel has been feeling a real push to do some ACTUAL artwork lately, to help us improve our skill, so god willing she’ll be allowed to. She just got out all our art supplies today (including razor’s cardstock) so hopefully we’ll see it all being used in the near future.

- we all agree it is time for a headspace-based fronter shift. It’s the right time of year anyway. The only way to instigate a permanent big shift is to DO SOMETHING BIG inside. Doesn’t necessarily have to be a reset attempt or bluescreen or psychological suicide. Although those do work the best due to their ties to death and rebirth. Anyway, we will see. Mark my words we ARE going to try something. This has been too shaken-up for too long; we need a clean-cut ending to this mess, to bring someone NEW and GOOD in, who is from HEADSPACE and who works with LIGHT. Jay tried but he was born at a BAD time and he became so dramatically splintered and fractured that he is having trouble just functioning as an individual. Jewel holds the CORRECT vibes for a system fronter—the RED-resonant courage and determination and righteous drive. WHITEs can be far too soft, too childlike, too innocent to realize when danger is happening. Reds always know and they FIGHT. They really are the ideal fronters as they are the most keyed-in to the physical besides Browns, but Browns don’t typically have strong ties to Headspace. Reds are ideal. So Jewel IS going to stick around but we don’t know. Cel was just saying how Lime is JUST as powerful a color and its EMPTY in Central, maybe that could work?? It’s another color that stands strong. We’re just worried about Javier because he’s been a target of the Plague for FAR too long and it’s crushing him. He needs to anchor deeper into his color before they knock him loose.

- bottom line is we ALL need to spend more time inside, and to heck with the outside drivel already, it’s killing us. We need to go back to the nightly walks IF POSSIBLE, its hard now with the family situation, theres no real privacy. If all else fails we do still have a gazelle machine in our room so hey. Walking is just better because we can carry weights at the same time. Anyway yes, definite time needs to be put aside for just “meditating” and going inside and WORKING on healing ourselves; we have not “just gone inside” in months probably and the lethality of that is obvious.

- exercised for an hour in the cold, couldn’t feel our feet afterwards. Xenophon hearing a Tokimonsta track and showing up to see how her dad was doing, assuming he was the one around. She stuck around as she likes to do, upped the vibe quite a bit. Went inside to have some ginger-peppermint tea and it was 11:11. chaos was singing “think of me” from phantom of the opera.

- cel was sobbing over her past at some point while we exercised, especially the fact that her first anchor plushie got absolutely corrupted by the Tar and turned into a hack device, so razor had to kill it. Cel has been such a target for corruption since the beginning, due to her ties to childhood purity, the outside world, AND the cores, making her a tripartite juggernaut that could potentially destroy everything if thoroughly destroyed herself. But cel is a fighter. She is one hell of a fighter and she always has been, and she will NEVER give up or back down, and thank god for that. But it breaks all of our hearts when we see just how broken hers is from all this war.

- eros was singing too???? Which is very new. i cannot remember what song, i am so sorry.

- “jay” becoming a generic name, being used too much now. The main “jay” is going by “iridos” now and his vibe syncs with it far more strongly. Wondering if his “Christmas self” is his safest manifestation? Says his “sparkly” forms are becoming too dangerous? Either too lenient or too cold. LOTS of risk holding a White slot, he was warned about this back in 2013, or at least one of him was.

- jay is also basically becoming a daemon of sorts??? He is spending tons of time with them in a nonhuman state and it’s feeling very natural to him.

- about daemons: Lethe said that daemons need “lots of love” to balance their dark nature? The unconditional sort. Also that love is “mandatory” in order for daemons to do that “cannibalism” thing of theirs (we need a nicer term for it).

- Emmett out to eat today, as well as that semi-manic girl fronter who is surprisingly coherent and who is working with laurie and spice to take better care of the body. We’re getting in the habit of telling all eaters “hey you DO know you share this body with 100 other people, right??” the good ones realize that everything they do or don’t do affects everyone else, and they are more careful (remember a lot of depressed/ careless alters only act that way because they don’t care about themselves; when someone else is paying the toll, they WILL shape up).

- we’re all VERY scared for both laurie and Infinitii; they are both slipping very badly. Laurie is getting these frightening whitish-gray patches on her skin and hair when she gets really stressed, Infinitii keeps melting into a mass of eyes & teeth and losing form coherence in general. God why do the bad guys ALWAYS target the ones who love the most. It’s not fair.



Forgot to mention…

- yesterday, the purple social with the dreads, in the car. Name is “Joachim” or “Joaquin”? main resonance with the “wakeem” part, specifically the “oua” beginning sound?
Feelings of “fear” about being “newborn” and not always understanding what to do, how to “be out” at all. Lots of the fear being “floating fear” though? Like its from others, its not actually something one feels themselves, it’s being unconsciously picked up. We did clarify that to him and he was able to tap into the peace beyond it. Laurie also told him to “tune into his core?” the colored-light at the heart center, the piece of a nousfoni that resonated with all the others. Very very interesting, profoundly reassuring intuitive visuals from that.

- found some photos of spinzor from 2009. I swear it is shocking how EVIDENT the switches are from year to year.


it’s 12:24 again, I swear that happens every day.

this computer setup is destroying my arm, its awful. I need to quit, bye.