prismaticbleed | Entries tagged with missing nousfoni

SO EXHAUSTED THIS MORNING.
Could barely stay awake during Adoration. Everything felt like we were still dreaming.

BK egg disaster AGAIN.
Prep took TWO BLOODY HOURS

Lynne & Scalpel performing Beegee Adair together
Scalpel was wearing a suit and playing the baby grand piano, which was endearingly hilarious because the man still has a bright red "sidehawk", rings all over his fingers, and several metal teeth, haha. And there he is playing jazz piano and pouring his heart into it. It was such a perfectly RED thing.
Lynne of course was playing her violin with that effortless flowing joy she always does.

Adelaide talking about her function. Started with "I want a new role." Said she's always frustrated because it's humiliating.
SPICE spoke up, said "that's the POINT," Because Humility is a key BROWN VIRTUE?? They work with the BODY primarily, and all its humiliations, "thankless" and unglorious work, but ABSOLUTELY ESSENTIAL FOR THE SPECTRUM ITSELF TO SURVIVE. "We ALL live in the body, and it's the Brown's job to take care of it for all of us"
Laurie saying that Adelaide's job was actually "Scripturally credible"; she was doing the MOST humble service, to GIVE DIGNITY to our body in a context where it had been chronically neglected & dehumanized. Laurie emphatically reminded us all that THIS EXACT BODY WILL BE RESURRECTED, and therefore ALL OF IT IS A TEMPLE FOR GOD, and MUST be treated & used as such. Adelaide was perfecting that in a way no one else ever had dared to before. (Honestly I don't think Addie would even EXIST if not for our hospice charity days!)
Lastly remember Julie telling her, with painful sincerity, "if you had been with us in the past, a lot of bad things wouldn't have happened."
Addie saying "most of the behaviors are automated"; Laurie said, essentially, "that's normal, you just need to manage them. The point is so that the mind isn't empty when the body is acting, because THAT'S how hackers get in."
In any case Adelaide NEEDS COWORKERS. Harmonia isn't around anymore? She got hit hard by CNC trauma and it shut her conscious capacity down.
Hey, remember how YEARS ago a therapist GAVE US A WORKSHEET of "what "alters" do what tasks in the body," basically "who handles which aspects of daily life?" And we were SHOCKED & SCARED to realize that MOST OF THEM WERE UNCONSCIOUSLY AUTOMATED. It explained the time loss, but we had NO IDEA that subsystems were a thing at that time, haha. Anyway the point is, FIND THAT LIST. POST THE JOB OPENINGS.
It's a new era for us. Every few years something shifts. It started the year after Jewel was "born" as our first Core in 2001, her and Celebi, and since then we've had legit "eras" of headspace=
2002-2003 (1), 2003-2005 (2), 2005-2008 (4), 2008-2012 (4), 2012-2017 (5), 2017-2023 (6). Every time the gap years increase by one.
This one, if it continues the pattern, is 2023-2030 (7). We FELT the shift begin this year, tangibly so. We have no idea what's ahead; only God does. But look back at the past. He's done good for us so far and He is faithful. Plus, 7 is our lucky number, haha.
Still, the point I was originally trying to make is this= Era 6 was, fittingly, defined by death... right up to Divine Mercy Sunday and Infinitii's death in the final 2 weeks before the arguable "new year" date of Jewel's birthday... after which EVERYTHING CHANGED VERY QUICKLY.
...

ALSO WE REALIZED WHY WE KEEP DOING MORE FAITHPASTING THAN TYPING= OUR BRAIN IS STILL IN "TUMBLR SHARE MODE"!!! It's operating under the false premise that we're going to post these as standalone quotes, and LEAVE IT AT THAT. But that's just an abstracted form of HOARDING, which we learned is ALSO ACTUALLY AN OCD SYMPTOM, go figure.

Evening

GENTE COME NOI & SNOW!!!!!
"THIS IS HOW MUCH GOD LOVES ME"

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VOTD = Deuteronomy 31:6.
"How many times have we not gone for something that we felt called to, because we were scared or discouraged, or we panicked? Or maybe we felt that fear, and MISINTERPRETED it as the HOLY SPIRIT telling us NOT to go for it BECAUSE we felt fear."
KEY WORD IS "MISINTERPRETED" BUDDY!!! THE HOLY SPIRIT DOESN'T CAUSE THAT EMOTION!!!
The Spirit of God is a Spirit of LOVE and POWER and SOUND JUDGMENT, and SPECIFICALLY NOT OF COWARDICE OR FEAR.
...

"During this season of Advent, and time of reflection, think about the seasons of your own life. Every situation you face is an opportunity to grow your faith in God and trust in His promises.
If you're feeling discouraged or fearful of the future, spend some time in prayer, [which allows you to draw near to Him], and ask God for courage and peace.
Remember that you are never alone in life. God is always with you. Trust in that. Even when you experience challenging circumstances, you can find peace in knowing He is close, and with Him, you can be strong and courageous.
Not only will His Presence never leave you, but His Love will never be taken away. He will never forsake you. There is nothing that can separate you from the Love of God (Romans 8:38). Thank God for His Love and Presence during this season of reflection. And confidently cling to the promises that He has given you."
1) Now that we can identify our "seasons," we can APPLY that amazing truth= they were and are all opportunities to draw nearer to God. That's ALWAYS the ultimate point, of EVERYTHING, because GOD is orchestrating it all and He ALWAYS does whatever He does for our salvation. And we cannot receive salvation if we don't have a trusting faith in God. So He gives us circumstances that allow such sparks to catch and seeds to grow.
(LIST PERSONAL EXAMPLES, SPECIFICALLY, OF TIMES OUR FAITH IN HIM & TRUST IN HIS PROMISES DID INDEED GROW OVER THE ERAS.)
...
2) If your prayer isn't drawing you nearer to God, you're not truly praying.
Prayer is supposed to be like this-- a refuge, a time to be with God as a Father, a place to humbly ask & receive both peace & courage. It's not supposed to be something you avoid out of stressful terror.
3)
4)

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EGJ=
"It is ironically all too easy to miss the Christ among us when we are fixated on the heaven above us. As we prepare to welcome Christ into the grit of our world, we are encouraged to look deeper— not just higher— to see His very real Presence among us, around us, and even within us. Blessed indeed are the eyes that see.
Challenge yourself today. Look into the face of someone you’d normally look past or otherwise avoid. Remind yourself that they love someone, that someone loves them, and that their love is very real.
Pray that the Infant Christ, turned away at the inn and born among the shepherds, will open your eyes that you might learn to see Him in the most unexpected places and in the most vulnerable faces."
This meditation moved my heart to say, before anything else, "this is the only God worthy of worship. This is the only God I would ever want to worship. Thank God that HE alone is the One True God-- this God Who identifies Himself with the most rejected & vulnerable among men, the ones most in need of love and most able to move other hearts to give it!"
...

LBB= Actually brought me to tears.
"Zechariah and Elizabeth were childless, which in their culture was a great misfortune, even a disgrace (since there would be no heirs to carry on the memory of the family). One can imagine their feelings of failure and inadequacy.
All of us feel barren in one way or another. I haven’t “produced” in my life what others (or I myself) had hoped I would. My failure to live up to “what might have been” leaves me with a certain empty feeling.
But God does things through me that I myself cannot do, or even measure. And God does them often in ways I don’t understand.
That’s the secret. Let God do what God wants to do through me and trust in His plan. That is the path to greatness — no matter what my age, no matter what my condition.
O Lord, let me let You do what You want to do through me today. "
Every single word of this went straight to my heart.
1) Since I was a child, a literal child, long before puberty, my family made it very clear that as a female and a Christian, they expected me to get married and have children. I never wanted to. I was bitterly opposed to it AS a child.
...but despite all my rebellion, i couldn't erase the social stigma. I cannot avoid the public shame, especially within the faith community.
...
2) I sometimes wonder if God has cursed me in ironic fashion, on purpose, with a barren life.
3) but God knows I WANTED to be creative. I WANTED to be prolific and I TRIED. But... I failed. I always failed. All my hopes are dead. I am completely empty.
4) ...so was Elizabeth, to everyone but God. How ironic.
5) ...maybe God wants the production to be HIS work, not mine. Maybe He's been setting an inexplicable stage for His own masterwork. Is that arrogant to hope for, even if i denounce all personal credit?
6) I cannot do what God can. But I also cannot MEASURE it. I don't often think about that word but it's HUGE when you grasp its meaning.
7) most of all, I don't understand. But I can TRUST.
8) "No matter my age or condition," God doesn't see me as useless.
9) LET God do what HE wants to do.
...

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Lots of Universalis today, from Adoration.
(DON'T QUOTE WHOLE THING, JUST REFER TO KEY POINTS?)

I loved this sermon intro so much I want to just ponder it as such=
"The very Son of God, (Jesus Christ)
older than the ages, (Jesus is eternal, existing before Creation)
the invisible, (Jesus's "true Nature" cannot be seen with the eye)
the incomprehensible, (Jesus is a Mystery we literally cannot grasp)
the incorporeal, (Jesus took on a body, but in Himself He is pure Spirit)
the beginning of beginning, (Jesus both created and recreated all things)
the light of light, (true God from true God; He IS what He "came from")
the fountain of life and immortality, (ALL life, true life, flows from Him as the Source and Origin)
the image of the archetype, (
the immovable seal, (
the perfect likeness, (
the definition and word of the Father: (
HE it is Who comes to His own image and takes our nature for the good of our nature, and unites Himself to an intelligent soul for the good of my soul, to purify like by like. He takes to Himself all that is human, except for sin."
1) Christ is the Image of God, but MAN is the image of CHRIST????
2) In taking our nature "to Himself," it rewrote our nature?? It didn't "restore" it like a computer reboot, to "before the Fall"-- it TRANSCENDED even that. Jesus didn't rewind or restart our nature, He REDEFINED IT, to reflect His Own???
3) Jesus, Who is literally God, "UNITED HIMSELF to an intelligent soul". I can't properly comment on this because i don't know what that means. I don't understand "soul" yet.
...
4) "To PURIFY like by like". There's such depth in that phrase. As a mortal I can't quite understand it. But Christ grasped these things for His Own and His very touch purified them. No, it was far more than touch, it wasn't mere contact-- it is UNITY.
...
5) Sin is "human"? But it's unnatural. And it was INSTIGATED BY SATAN. However, humans cannot sin as angels do. We have a unique free will. So our capacity for sin IS uniquely human, even if it isn't supposed to be part of the human existence.
...

"He was conceived by the Virgin Mary, who had been first prepared in soul and body by the Spirit; His coming to birth had to be treated with honour, virginity had to receive new honour."
1) This is EXACTLY WHAT NEEDS TO HAPPEN TO US DURING ADVENT!!
2) This simply & clearly supports the Immaculate Conception, too. Mary was prepared before her birth. She was "built for the purpose," consecrated from the first instant.
3) A humble but genuine question: do Protestants think about that aspect of "honor" as it applies here?
4) A "new" honor of virginity? And does it STILL apply, or just to Mary?
...

"He who makes rich is made poor; he takes on the poverty of my flesh, that I may gain the riches of his divinity. He who is full is made empty; he is emptied for a brief space of his glory, that I may share in his fullness. What is this wealth of goodness? What is this mystery that surrounds me? I received the likeness of God, but failed to keep it. He takes on my flesh, to bring salvation to the image, immortality to the flesh. He enters into a second union with us, a union far more wonderful than the first... Holiness had to be brought to man by the humanity assumed by One Who was God, so that God might overcome the tyrant by force and so deliver us and lead us back to Himself through the mediation of His Son."
1) The first union was "man made in God's image & likeness," and living in harmony in the Garden. This second union is the UNITY of God & man brought about in Christ. And it IS wonderful, which is why I included those well-known opening phrases. Don't ever let them become commonplace! Don't ever take them for granted!
Advent is about God "creating man anew" by taking on man's image. It's a paradox-- man IS in the "image of God," but by the Fall he started to mar that likeness, and disfigured himself. But now God Himself takes on that "image of man," and in doing so, not only restores it to what it was meant to be, but PERFECTS it.
Christ became human, became a pure and innocent baby, and suddenly, in seeing that holy child, every man realized what he was created to be all along.
...

"His Word is a rod that strikes the ruthless, His sentences bring death to the wicked."
Laurie was struck by this holy concept: the weapons of the Lord are His WORDS. He needs no violent armaments, because His Power is in Himself, total & irresistible.

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DUDE IT JUST HIT ME
"EMMANUEL" = "IMAN-UEL" = as in "IMMANENT."
Oh of course its not exact etymology but STILL. Immanent means "indwelling, remaining within, inherent." And if you REALLY want to push etymology, you can say it's an "immanent noel", an "indwelling birth."

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From our Advent reading plan, as we forgot the past few days=
"For so many of us, Christmas is the exact opposite of joy [because] we’re busier than ever this time of year. As a result, our lives are lacking the key factors that make this season special: wonder, innocence, and peace. [But in this season,] we’re all confronted with choices in life: the choice to choose others, kindness, and wonder, or the opposite: to choose ourselves, selfishness, and bitterness... Christmas isn’t guaranteed to be joyful. But maybe that’s the point. As we get older, joy becomes less circumstantial and more of a choice we have to make despite the circumstances. [As James 1:2-3 tells us Christians,] we’re called to consider even the most un-ideal events joyful— a chance to develop our character and grow in our faith. What a relief to know that joy can be experienced even when our situation is not ideal!
Maybe there’s someone in your own life who forced [your inner child] to come face-to-face with the "reality of the world" much too soon... maybe it wasn’t a person but a circumstance you had no say over. Whatever happened, or will happen, in your life, [that tempts you to despair, bitterness, or apathy,] we all [still] have that same freedom... we can choose to preserve our wonder, or we can succumb to the disillusionment the world has to offer. Which will it be for you?"
Oh wow, perfect timing as always, God. I've been thinking about this entire concept all week, often with actual weeping.
Let me break it down.
1) Busyness robs you of joy. Being industrious is fine, being productive is fine, being active is fine, don't get me wrong. But being BUSY will drain your soul dry. If your body, your mind, your heart, are all so busy that they don't have a minute to stop and rest, let alone find peace, then joy will also have no room or way to enter in.
2) We STILL have our sense of wonder, thank God, but it has been bruised. Nevertheless, even on our bleakest days, we can always get Jewel to front for a minute with her eyes full of stars, and that illuminates all of us. Being multiple truly is a gift from God.
3) ...We have lost our innocence, though.
It's surreal. Whenever we tap into archival Christmas memory data, the FIRST and virtually ONLY records we have are of 2005 and 2013... of Jewel and Jay. That's IT. There is NOTHING from Spinny or Cannon's days, and only the dimmest & most terrorstricken shreds from the "Chthonic era," pre-CNC. After that... nothing. There are exactly two flashbulb flashbacks from CNC, before everything goes black: first, going to the Dawn Mass at the local Cathedral on zero hours of sleep and twelve hours of horror, legitimately feeling like we might die from abusive exhaustion, a d not caring. We blearily remember sitting in the pew, and seeing candles.
The second memory is sitting on the floor by their tree, alone, at 3am, sobbing hysterically and wanting to either go home or die.
...
4) THE CHOICE.
5) NO "GUARANTEE"-- Jesus Himself won't force joy on you!
6) There is a blessed freedom in this, actually, that feels like the very first Christmas. When our joy is liberated from circumstance and anchored solely in God-- because HE ALONE IS JOY-- then nothing can ruin our Christmas.
7) James's letter really is timeless wisdom. Faith blossoms under pressure.
This is amazingly empowering-- it means that our troubles are TRANSMUTED, as they become the very fertile soil for us to grow virtue in. That itself is a real reason to rejoice.
...
8) Person & circumstances that "shut up the child," tempt us to despair & bitterness
9) CHOOSE TO PRESERVE YOUR WONDER. First, you ALWAYS have that choice, which is a huge light of hope to realize. Second, "preserve" is an ACTIVE word: it means to "keep safe from harm by acting so as to insure that something [harmful] does not occur." It means you treat your wonder AS a child, and YOU are the parent. When you take that perspective, you will know what to do; it's an instinct of compassion. Third: the possessive pronoun. You're not trying to wistfully preserve some nebulous concept of wonder that fees just out of reach. No. It is YOUR wonder, YOUR precious unique thing, and NO ONE can take it away from you, even if it feels lost right now. Make a choice to preserve it now, to take action to maintain it, to keep that inner child alive and well. Wonder cannot die, but it can be buried, so to speak.
...
10) The WORLD "offers" disillusionment.
Jesus GIVES the exact opposite.

Now there are questions to conclude=

"Be honest: What circumstances are you facing today that aren’t “ideal?” How can you arrest your cynicism and look instead to how your character, faith, and knowledge of God can "grow you through" this situation? Where might you find joy after all?"
1) The non-ideal circumstances that specifically have to do with Christmas are half silly, half gutting. Grandma and grandpa are dead. We no longer live in the family home. One sibling is across the country, another is lost in a schizophrenic delusion, another is locked in his room and won't leave. We don't have any decorations. We can't eat "normal" food anymore. We don't have any family get-togethers or traditions. We don't have transportation for church activities. We can't burn candles post-COVID. Virtually all of our childhood memory triggers are absent or destroyed. We just feel like... Christmas is this unbelievably gorgeous hallucination, something so heavenly that what little we do remember of it seems so pure and perfect it's hard to believe it literally happened in physical space and time. But our heart aches so hard for it we could weep, and have wept, several times over it in the past month alone-- which is notable as our emotions have been shut down for almost a year.
2) That word, "cynicism," is a dagger of a conviction. I wouldn't have applied it to myself, but looking at it now, I guess it is there-- the word means " to be pessimistic, distrustful, believing that "things won't work out""; and when I list those non-ideals, although I desperately hope and wish things could get better and WANT to MAKE them better with all the power I have... is there cynicism creeping in, and saying, "it'll never happen?" If so, how do I ARREST that, even preemptively?
3) "Grow you through" must be a Protestant term, haha. I've never heard it before. Still, it's a legitimate and edifying concept.
4)

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Catena is HEADSPACE RELEVANT again, AND actually applicable to that reading plan too=
"Temptations come so that hidden passions may be revealed and so that it will be possible to fight them, and so that the soul may be rid of them. [Temptations] are a sign of God's mercy. So give yourself with trust into God's hands and ask His help, so that He will strengthen you in your struggle. God knows how much each one can bear and allows temptations according to the measure of our strength. Remember that after temptation comes spiritual joy, and that the Lord protects them that endure temptations and suffering for the sake of His love." (Saint Nektarius of Aegina)
1) This principle is, admittedly, why we subtly "seek out stressful circumstances." We WANT to trigger out "hidden passions"-- and the foni attached to them-- so we can SEE and FIGHT them, yes, but also so we can understand what their roots & motives are, because if you DON'T have a sense of at least pity towards those foni then no matter how much you fight them, you won't win the war. God's weapons are more subtle than swords, and far more effective-- truthfully, in spiritual warfare, ONLY God's weapons WORK!
2) MERCY
3) ASK FOR HELP. YOU CANNOT WIN ANY BATTLE ALONE.
4) God WILL strengthen you.
5) "May I be equal to Your hope of me." God knows your limits and He WILL push you to them, but He stands with you the whole time.
6) Spiritual Joy
7) PROTECTION
8) ALL FOR HIS LOVE.

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MISSING/UNCLEAR NOUSFONI + MENTIONS FROM ENTRIES:

CENTRALITES

JOSEPHINA
NATHANIEL

LOTOPHAGOI

ANOREXIC GIRL (brown?) "listen I have to throw this stuff up okay??"
HOSPITAL PANIC GIRL (lavender) "I don't want to go back to the hospital"
TOBIKO (aqua) "don't drink the water, it's sewage"
ALLEGRA (yellow) "but we're not allergic to anything, it's just vegetables??"
"POISON" KID (green??? boyish?) "iron toxicity. too much fat, overloading the blood"
there's ALSO a "MED POISON KID" freaking out over the milk of magnesia
AND a sweet but scared "am I gonna die?" kid, TALKS TO LAURIE!! IS SHE THE "NIGHT BLUEBERRY" KID????

SOCIALS

"brown haired" angry fronter? NOT overload? long hair. showing up more often now, flipping off the mother, her anchor is way too brunt and huge, who is she really
manic singers in cars. ruby doesn't count as a manic i dont think? when she sings it's always alone. it's fun and energetic and can SEEM manic because of the childish exuberance of it, but the key of manics is that they are OUTSIDE-ORIENTED and full of almost violent nervous energy. not so with ruby. so that's a relief, that's good.

HACKERS/ HIJACKERS

one of the tar-girls, that hellish peach girl who is the WORST hacker, but who only recently got a face… horrible peachy-colored hacker, long hair. behavior is atrocious, disgusting mindsets. but she has ROCK SOLID BODY ROOTS and that is both hideously nauesating and existentially terrifying. is she that old???????
- she is NOT the same as the lime-haired one from that horrible horrible xanga last week. the two are both twisted as hell but at least the limey one feels vaguely redeemable (her motivations are severely distorted). the fleshtone one does NOT.
- btw WHATS WITH THE LONG HAIR? why do most of the hackers look the SAME, like the body did when it was about 16-17???? does that have anything to do with the "jacob years???" i.e. late high school, the job/relationship puppet time period. I feel so bad that kid got unintentionally tied to such nonsense but check the time period data regardless. photos DO seem to match up and that DOES make me want to vomit until i cry but that's stress dude. it's awfully distressing.
- in a notable exception, jezebel likes the short hair, and her earrings, which the mother now has. but she's terrifying still, her hold on the body is WAY too potent, can we change that?

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MAKE A POSSIBLE NEEDED NOUSFONI JOB LIST
(REFER BACK TO OLD THERAPY PAPERS)
EMBRACE OUR POLYFRAGMENTED PRISM. IT’S ALL LOVE.
DON’T FORCE OR OVER-SPLIT THOUGH. ONLY ASSIGN WHAT NEEDS A STANDALONE FUNCTION.

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NOUSFONI MENTIONED IN UPMC THAT WE HAVEN’T SEEN:

soymilk girl; timelocked in kitchen with dad
“magenta” girl who worked with her; “knew the job”
matcha girl; spacelocked in Borders, peaceful faithful vibe.
“bagel guy”, I remember him! Like a businessman, loves his darn bagels with cream cheese.
Mushroom burger farm girl

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new social nosufoni in dream? lynne replacement. "KARYNNE"

green AND yellow? talking about watching kids and making dinner. "my love language is food whether I like it or not. when someone is in need, my first thought is, do they have enough to eat?" etc. then picking yellow fruits (green when unripe) from a bush, the fruits were "semi sentient" and were aware they were immediately going to be "killed" and eaten but they REJOICED in this self-giving and were glad it was "finally time."

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interestingly: "socials" CANNOT have a "self image," even as far as opinions go. they exist solely to SERVE and they personalities must be able to morph and match the psychosocial public environments of their function. THIS is why it is so hard to find or identify or describe them!!

"internals," who need a better name, MUST have a "self image," because they STAY INSIDE. ironically, this makes it almost impossible for them to front, because it CLASHES with the body and environment, destroying their identity.

SOCIALS HAVE "TWO COLORS" BY DEFAULT????? like julie did!!!

because humans DON'T normally have cool color hues, so they have to split? also differentiates them from internal nousfoni

pre-breakfast//

QUICK BUT ABSOLUTELY ESSENTIAL morning notes:
+ Emotional ROLLER COASTER w/ shower. MANIC SOCIAL thinking about "what music to pick if asked" (decided on Jackson 5); considering getting a Litwick plush if personally applicable. Internal upset AT mania; "I don't want to be like this" "this isn't me" BUT couldn't "stop." A different manic (Jack?? "David-Tennant-looking-ass"; flirty, invincible, "most popular man in the room" vibe?) took over hard; could NOT feel sad OR even acknowledge pain when an unseen internal Navy foni punched the leg TO try & feel both and/or switch!! This SPIKED mania as a "violent shutoff" for "not real/ legitimate" "negative" emotions? Demonic crazy grin on body, while near mirror. Seeing this face triggered vivid TBAS FLASHBACKS, CROWNED BY HAIRSTYLE: flattened sides & spiked top. Everything was unsafe; dysmorphia raging. Then, UNEXPECTEDLY: noticing wet & emphasized eyelashes = instantly changed ENTIRE overlay to FEMALE!!! New, positive, BALANCER foni appeared to match. RED-VIOLET "QUEEN"? FIRST SOLID ONE. Balancer; not manic or depressive, BUT acknowledging BOTH without being either! "Bittersweet" heart. Color like a wine glass or garnet in the light. Chose/ fit the name ALENA, from "Magdalena"-- female bodies STILL defined as "whores" REGARDLESS of fronter; Alena's hope was to signify HEALING, MERCY, FORGIVENESS, REDEMPTION from that specifically.
★ Wearing GLASSES changes overlay INSTANTLY. Alena cannot wear them, but (we hope) neither can Jack? The RED color of our glasses helps a TON. Also, MANICS CANNOT WEAR OUR MEDALS. They get angry & obstinate & rebel against "feeling chained down to the Cross." Alena said "that's the whole point." (Laurie EMPHATICALLY agrees.)
+ Momentary "blackout" between exiting bathroom & going to bedroom window; hallmark of "social context" automatic dissociation
+ Sunrise. Simple ROYGBIV muted gradient; no clouds. BUT it's the second day of autumn and it must be cold at last because what did we see but CHIMNEY SMOKE!!! ♥ First REAL sign that the season has switched too!
↑ LAURIE came out, to elaborate that thought; we couldn't find the "right" word-- she asked Shirley & Sirius for help and they BRIEFLY FRONTED to speak with her! Words like "harbinger," "signpost," "indicator" didn't fit. Laurie said "messenger," then laughed & concluded, "chimney angels."
+ ↑ Brief mention of Q with "chimney sweep muses" art. "No hatred" but lingering fear towards him for 2012, despite lingering affection as well. "Father FORGIVE them for they KNOW NOT." Same with OV; we pity them? BUT STILL LOVE & MISS them deep down, WITHOUT denying the pain & damage & fear & anger & NEED to forgive. But we DO love them, both of them, which ENABLES forgiveness!!!
★ (btw GIVE THIS TO INFI; ze holds the CORE TRAUMA from CNC and ze is AFRAID TO EXIST still, even now, because of it. Ze NEEDS to come back & BE with us; without hir heart we CANNOT ACTUALLY HEAL!!!)
★ Apparently we have DIFFERENT ARCHIVISTS AND DATA "COMMUNICATORS" FOR MANAGEMENT OF EMOTIONAL VS LOGICAL (FACTUAL) DATA!!! Depending on what KIND of information it is, ONLY CERTAIN NOUSFONI CAN PROCESS/ SPEAK/ WRITE IT!!! Warm vs cool "undertones," typically. Shirley & Sirius fit this. ALSO there is a "neutral Gray" Archivist we THOUGHT was "Quicksilver" because they're BOTH a darker gunmetal gray, but Quick was NOT neutral. This guy-- who spoke briefly to both Alana (in the washroom) and our typical "emote-data writer" (me!! ♥)-- is currently vibing with the name "Sterling." (That's close enough to "Stellar," haha!) So we'll see what our future holds with getting to know him & all the other nousfoni who may/do hold those roles, as they obviously DO exist, but we never had the means to SEE or even KNOW they COULD/ DID exist until now, this morning!
★ THERE IS A DIFFERENCE between an ANCHOR and a ROOT! An "anchor" is something PUT DOWN to hold someone firmly in that specific place; a ROOT is something one GROWS FROM as an initial locked-in place!!
+ Brief return to the sunrise-- the "warm color" gradient DISTURBED us, AS ALWAYS. Reminded us of "westerns." Why that intense, ancient fear for both? "Jess" came out (!!)

sunrise beauty: what we instinctively & viscerally recognize AS beauty, finds its ORIGIN & DEFINITION IN THE FACE OF CHRIST JESUS!!! When I look at Him, I see BEAUTY, literally PERFECTED.
★ Things ARE ONLY "beautiful" BECAUSE something in them ECHOES Christ's beauty. When I look at Him, I see everything that I label AS beautiful in the sunrise, but CLEARLY, ESSENTIALLY-- not "through a glass darkly."
THAT'S WHY HEAVEN IS THE BEATIFIC VISION; all Creation is just dim reflection of (and yearning for) that true, absolute, complete, real, total bliss.

+ Group recommending "fidget objects" for coping = we've NEVER TRIED them because we label "stimming" as SILLY? like, "why even try it; physical "coping" isn't legitimate." BUT OUR SYMPTOMS ARE!!! SO why NOT meet them on that same level? HONESTLY DO TRY THEM, TO STOP JUDGING/ ALIENATING OTHERS at least!!

post-breakfast//

Cornflakes, blueberry muffin, banana, egg, apple juice, soymilk, french vanilla tea, 2 creamer, 1 s&p.

MUFFIN)
Thoughts of mom! ♥ No fear after that. Alana caught the unique blue/red vibe of the berries and TRIED to front to taste it, but she can't come out while eating (OR with glasses on)-- that would distort her function! But she appreciated the idea. Note: don't put fingers in mouth to "get crumbs."

CORNFLAKES)
HEALED!!! BY CO-FRONTING. "Red & blue" socials-- soygirl & a magenta (?) who KNEW the job! ALSO DAD!!! Talking to him HELPED SO MUCH. "Soymilk is too sweet for me, but it's good for you-- you're just as sweet yourself!" "Sugar isn't bad; it's a great source of energy, and it'll give you all the extra push you need to do all your running today." Soy said the very thought of work made HER exhausted emotionally. "I want to work but I get so overwhelmed & I burn out." Magenta sister replied "Then I'll do that work for you! You don't have to push yourself to do anything that's going to hurt you. I'll do the burny work; you can do the quieter thoughtful important things, like the sweeping & stocking shelves. We still need & want your help! Just do what's meant for YOU, and I'll do what's not!" Dad added: "I'll talk to your boss and let her know to let you rest like that if you get overwhelmed. They don't want you burning yourself out either; I know I sure don't! I don't want to see you looking so sad & tired all the time! I care about you, Jessie, and so do the people you work with. They'd all be happy to help you, so don't be afraid to ask. (There's nothing wrong with asking for help!)" Lots of hugs and "I love you"s. Soymilk now POSITIVE but not the cornflakes? Mentioned. Dad: "You know the Native Americans grew corn as a staple crop. They used it for everything; it kept them alive when winter came. You're the same way. You're sweet & give people energy like the soymilk, but you're also soft & strong like the cornflakes. You can help keep people alive, too, by giving of yourself. People need what you have to give them, Jessie, and God made you just the way you are for that reason. Just like your breakfast." She was SO DEEPLY COMFORTED. Her color reflected the pure serene blue of a calm sky.
★ HOWEVER. Two more things! First, the "vibe" of the cereal as a whole is NOT BLUE-- its true inherent tone DOESN'T VIBE WITH HER, OR HER SISTER! It's gold, a RARE Yellow-group POSITIVE food combo (Soymilk ITSELF is neutral-ish? COLD leans blue; vanilla leans yellow?) that no one concretely matches (yet). SO. We told her, she doesn't HAVE to anchor to it! Its association has CHANGED now, via healing, AS HAS HERS-- her old memory anchor is now ONLY a memory; the "reality" has CHANGED and so remembering what WAS now INCLUDES a golden ray of FUTURE HOPE that actively renews the healing and PREVENTS getting stuck in old, now-nonexistent contexts! Yes, at that time in history, we WERE miserable. BUT NOW we have infused that time AS PERSONAL PAST with HOPE & TRUTH, and so even if literal history CANNOT be changed, SPIRITUAL "NOW" CAN CHANGE HOW THAT HISTORY UNFOLDS. Therefore, NOTHING in our past is a "death sentence." There is ALWAYS FORGIVENESS, ALWAYS a chance for MERCY & REDEMPTION. The Cross, too, occurred at only one historical point, but spiritually it is FOREVER-- and AS SANCTIFICATION & GRACE!!! Death was defeated in time ONCE, and so now FOREVER it is POWERLESS! So too with our past trauma. The Crucifixion DID happen, bloody & horrific. That's FACT, and cannot be changed. BUT, outside of linear time, that SAME event unfolds in LOVE & HOPE unto ETERNITY-- an event ALL SOULS can & DO participate in RIGHT NOW!! So that mercy & forgiveness can & do TANGIBLY, PERSONALLY, ACTIVELY redeem ALL people. Likewise, in our linear Now, we can send our healing love & mercy & forgiveness-- FROM CHRIST-- to ALL our past times & selves as PART of our NOW, & heal them FOREVER. ♥

BANANA)
Fear food= trauma suggestion, tied to elephants & monkeys, associated w/ Jade. Put all that aside & focused on the GOD-CREATED WONDER of its pure existence: the texture, the way it shimmers in light, the seeds! Fruit's existence in general is fascinating. God is SO Good. That helped us refocus. We also DIDN'T cut it off, remove the peel entirely, OR bite/eat the peel!

EGG)
Again, SO much nicer plain. The s&p are COMPULSIVE; try NOT using them. "But salt is holy!" NOT IF IT'S BEING ABUSED VIA COMPULSION!! If you feel "obligated" to eat it-- EAT, not "season"-- then DON'T. That's "opposite action" coping! It helps you REGAIN PROPER CONTROL over your compromised willpower. Right now, we're a slave to seasoning. We "can't" say no to it! And that's NOT A MORAL DECISION-- IT'S AN ADDICTION. Conscience doesn't go into moral panic if it doesn't put salt on a meal just because Jesus told a parable about it. Guess what? THAT'S IDOLATRY!! You're so focused on the literal SALT, you MISSED THE ENTIRE POINT. So yeah, honestly, "fasting" from salt right now WOULD be the "morally proper" decision! Regain the freedom to CHOOSE that God created you with!! Honor Him with it!
+ The new girl on the unit is a KID, and her being so upset triggered out NIER. He was deeply upset by her thinness; he wanted to feed her the eggs his chickens laid to make her healthy & strong. Ate it for her. REALLY locked in sense data?? Just from having a CONCRETE PERSON eat, not just an "observer" of memory! REMEMBER THAT! Nousfoni do help immensely, but the ULTIMATE goal is to be able to CONSCIOUSLY eat as ONE CORE SELF, whoever the true "me" is, without switching for every food-- BUT that means we NEED A SOLID CORE SENSE OF "SELF," FIRST!!! Hence all the historical self-memory healing we're focusing on. Who "I" was as a child is REAL. There's a true heart in there somewhere. God help us find it.

FRENCH VANILLA TEA)
Surprisingly warm & mellow, like the blue tootsie rolls! Too yellow in tone to match our core, BUT!!! Instead of b&w "like or dislike" compulsive automatic judgments, we REALIZED: yeah it's not OUR vibe, BUT IT IS SOMEONE ELSE'S-- someone HUMAN!!!! Other people like different things from us, which we personally "can't grasp" FROM AN ISOLATED PERSPECTIVE. BUT once we EXPERIENCE this different data, WE CAN EMPATHIZE, UNDERSTAND, & HAVE COMMUNION WITH THEIR UNIQUENESS: "if they vibe with THIS, then their SOUL has a vibe like this" = WE CAN KNOW THEIR SOUL BETTER, & SHARE IN THEIR EXPERIENCES.

post-lunch//

Pizza, Greek salad, ranch dressing, orange juice, 1 parmesan, 2 salt 3 pepper, 2 tea 2 creamer

★ Realized our perspective is: "You CAN FAIL AT EATING." We set "arbitrary" rules and if we mess up even a little, we feel UTTERLY DEVASTATED & COMPELLED TO "START OVER" & "DO IT RIGHT"... "OR ELSE." That FEAR of real but unspecified PUNISHMENT is SO POWERFUL and RE-TRIGGERS THE BULIMIC "EMERGENCY EXIT" RESPONSE. It ALSO explains why we RESTRICT: EVERY meal is another RISK, a chance to FAIL and SUFFER FOR IT-- AS A BAD PERSON. Our "failure" to do right means WE must BE "wrong"!! "Bad people do bad things!" So "failure" is DAMNING & UNACCEPTABLE.
+ We thought, "you can't drink OJ with pizza. At home, the family ONLY drank GRAPE juice with pizza." SO, "if I don't drink grape juice with it, I HAVE FAILED TO DO THE RIGHT THING." therefore I feel COMPELLED to THROW IT UP and START OVER RIGHT!!
We turn every meal into a MORALITY PERFORMANCE with impossible choreography. So we either AVOID the risk, OR we try to purge every failure-- which ALWAYS happened with that mindset!! It's TERRIFYING. If we "choose wrong" we are DAMNED. We've DISOBEYED, so we SINNED, by REBELLING AGAINST GOD'S DIRECTION and being willfully obstinate.
★ PURGING "RESTORED" OUR PURITY, BOTH MORALLY & PHYSICALLY. It was our confessional & our absolution. Only emptiness was safe/ Good, in the end. ALL eating became too morally ambiguous/ threatening, as we COULD and DID ALWAYS FIND SOMETHING TO CONDEMN, therefore MANDATING the penitential purge-- or else, WE WOULD LITERALLY "GO TO HELL"-- at least physiologically. And it WAS hell, every single day.
✳ Related to breakfast data: "LIKE/ DISLIKE" feels morally wrong, YET eating something that we intuitively "don't "enjoy"" feels DISTURBING to our SENSE OF SELF. We feel like, if we "don't like pizza," BUT still eat it, then "WHO ARE WE, REALLY??" We "can't resonate with two opposing responses!!" But see? We DON'T SEE IT AS "INNOCENT" PREFERENCE/ OPINION, EITHER. Dislike = REJECTION of others WHOSE SOULS DO RESONATE WITH IT. But TO eat that thing that DOESN'T harmonize with our core is a TRAUMATIC "OVERRIDE" OF SELFHOOD: an external "virus" trying to REWRITE who we ARE at heart. It's INTENSELY PERSONAL. THAT'S WHY THERE'S SO MUCH TRAUMA TIED TO "PEOPLE-PLEASING/ IMITATIVE EATING" = we LOSE OURSELF in PHYSIOLOGICALLY "IDENTIFYING WITH/ AS" THE OTHER by eating THEIR favorite foods obsessively. And why? Because, IF we love them OR WANT to love them, WE CANNOT "REJECT" THEM (OR SAY "NO" TO THEM; also rejection)!!! ALL "OPPOSITION" TO THEIR SELFHOOD IS UNACCEPTABLE. Our "only option" is to LIKE/ IDENTIFY WITH EVERYTHING THEY DO.
★ THAT is why, right now in recovery, we NEED "food socials" of a hyperspecialized sort-- nousfoni whose vibes are ROOTED in the vibes of ANY & IDEALLY ALL FOODS that are dissonant with the "core" self! THAT way, we can both HAVE a self, AND "match/ meet" the self of others! NO refusal, NO boundaries, NO dissonance, NO conflict.
★ ↑ All that hit HARD for lunch. The salad had feta cheese (Jade), olives & banana peppers (OV), tomatoes (grandma), and ranch dressing (unknown but possibly also OV). And we, idiotically, added parmesan (Lou/ grandpa). So we were a MESS mentally. We dissociated HARD because the sheer NOISE of data sources was so overwhelming. Plus we think we had a pollen allergy response to the lettuce (again)?? Muscle tics, breathing restricted, itchy, stuffy nose. So we're scared & sick on top of all that. But, splinters of the Cross. Carry it humbly.
★ Pizza is NOT our vibe AT ALL but so many people DO love it; it's SUCH a huge barrier between us & our community. It seems like EVERYONE likes pizza, so if WE don't, we are EXCLUDED from "everyone." WE ARE SO HEARTBROKEN/ UPSET/ TERRIFIED over that. But we still cannot seem to MAKE ourselves like it? We WANT to, ESPECIALLY since it was GRANDMA'S LAST MEAL!!!!! if we don't SHARE in that... we would rather die. So we MUST like pizza, AS OURSELF. Yes I'm sure we can "birth" a nousfoni for it (there are ALREADY "old Italian matron" seeds) BUT THAT WOULD DEFEAT THE WHOLE PIZZA = COMMUNITY MEAL point. Church outings, childhood parties, dinner at Mom's, post-church Lawrence Welk memories-- ALL of it involves PEOPLE TOGETHER and WE need to be "ME" in order TO participate!!!
★ Unfortunately there IS pizza trauma. Tomato sauce between bread & cheese looks like blood oozing from a garish place. And it is MESSY, with that gore getting on one's fingers. It's EXPLICIT trauma similarity. Plus MC & OV always ate it, AND it's a binge-suffocation terror trigger. But THOSE EXPERIENCES DO NOT CHANGE THE TRUTH OF REALITY, which is that those negative associations AREN'T DEFINITIVE OR PERMANENT! Beneath & beyond that, there is a pure & simple EXISTENCE, from which CHRIST bestows ALL food as HIS GIFT, forever untouched by human fears.
✳ INSTEAD of "switching out with" food-vibe nousfoni in order TO eat those foods, EAT WITH THEM IN COMMUNION!!! That is the IDEAL option for EVERYONE-- it preserves core individuality, enables direct empathy, practices social eating contexts, etc. Share their heart WITH them, and share YOURS-- so you can do that PHYSICALLY with your fellow man! DO ALL OF IT WITH COMPASSION. ♥

post-dinner//

Breaded pork chops with gravy; mashed potatoes; butter; shortbread cookies; whole milk; 3 salt & 3 pepper; 2 tea 2 creamer

PORK)
Surprisingly lovely. Soft, nice texture, and purely positive flavor! We expected trauma, but found NONE. Thanks be to God! (Mom later told me SHE had pork chops for dinner, too, which warmed my heart SO MUCH. ♥ That's COMMUNION even now, and future hope!)

POTATOES)
According to direction, we put the butter ON the potatoes-- which was actually a SMART & PROPER action that we would never have chosen on our own (which is WHY obedience & trust are KEY), because the butterfat SLOWS THE GLUCOSE SPIKE potatoes always seem to give!! THAT'S why people put butter & sour cream & bacon on them!! See? Our compulsive hyper-individualizing of ingredients is PRACTICALLY UNHEALTHY. Still, SO is hyper-mixing! There is a WISE & prudent middle ground, the "straight & narrow path." Seek that even ground and walk with Him. ALSO! Even if it turns unexpectedly, it is STILL CLEAR; there are no tumultuous shifts or swerves. The end goal is CERTAIN-- God Himself as our King and Love-- and with Christ ALWAYS walking with us as both Leader & Companion, we CANNOT get lost or confused or misdirected. No matter WHAT we may face in life, IF we just TRUST Him and OBEY His guidance, our feet shall not slip; we shall remain on that sure & sacred road.

LORNADOONE SHORTBREAD)
We were literally JUST thinking about Saint Nicholas (Santa Claus) being a PERFECT example of "fat ≠ bad; even SAINTS CAN BE FAT", and then we get milk & cookies! Gosh it's actually so heartwarming. It makes me look forward to Christmas with even MORE joy!! ♥ They were SHOCKINGLY delicious, both in taste & texture! It was unexpectedly so, so nice. There's also NO immediate association, so it was a pure experience. A NOTE, though-- DON'T take a sip of the milk WITH the cookie in your mouth! It feels messy & undignified, AND it increases choking risk, PLUS it muddles the data way too much. We should really focus on mindfully, prayerfully, gratefully paying honest attention to ONE thing at a time while we learn & heal.

post-snack//

Harvest cheddar Sun Chips.
Thinking about ORANGE: EMBER DAYS, SUNSETS, etc. LIST!!
harvest = bounty of God's fruits, memento mori-- "oil in lamps," thanksgiving TRULY. prepare to preserve life through winter; God feeds His obedient children.
cheese = MILK, at heart! AGED, "to feed her children still when she, too, is old"; feeds children in winter when there is no literal "birth"? CRONE sacredness, as it were. perpetuated motherhood nurturing. cheese an ANCIENT common food anyway. DON'T DENY-- WE DO LIKE IT TOO!!
"dirty" cancelled BY JESUS!! "eat WITH sinners"; vs ALOOF PHARISEE "CLEAN." Jesus would absolutely get chip dust on His fingers right with the poor!

+ HAD to mostly open bag to prevent filthy hands from reaching in. not ready yet. DID challenge obsessive "order"/ crumbing. "LEAVE THE GLEANINGS" & treasure EACH bite; no "HAVE to" eat certain pieces. MORE FREEDOM OF CHOICE RESTORED! also, NO biting INTO chips; that's mincing. Eat normal; don't be too proud to laugh at yourself if you drop a piece, WITHOUT going into "animal" mode!! BE MEEK WITH HONOR!

pre-breakfast//

Going to try less structured notes to allow more datalogging despite brain fog/ overwhelm/ illness/ exhaustion:

★ Morning sunrise prayers. Stood at window & talked to God.
+ Out soul is inescapably, undeniably RED, no matter how much we may resist that out of shame/ guilt. God said Red is NOT EVIL, but it is LIFE, the first color of it (BLOOD) and the closest to earth ('adam), SO when Man (earth & blood; bios & zoe) fell, RED carried the brunt of it. BUT IT'S NOT "LOST" OR EVIL, just sick from sin.
★ JESUS'S COLOR IS RED, as He clothed Himself IN physical human life, WITH WHITE, His purifying Divinity!
+ We ARE Fire, "a gift from God,"created TO BLESS! Said fire is NOT "uncontrollable"; that is DISORDER. Fire only destroys in order to FUEL NEW LIFE. Fire gives light & heat & comfort; it purifies metal, melts the frozen, & prepares food. etc. Fire is GOOD, as are ALL God's creatures. But God emphasized "TAMING" fire, via torches & lamps & CANDLES: beeswax for charitable industry, and the wick as PRAYER!! The white wax is GOOD WORKS to channel our power into, and the wick is PRAYER to FOCUS our burning. Then of course the AIR that lets us burn at all is God's Holy Spirit. So BE A CANDLE; be a lamp set on a lampstand for the glory of God! DON'T QUENCH THE FIRE OF GOD'S SPIRIT IN YOU. Do not deny or hide or run from or be ashamed of what GOD created you to be. LIVE AS HE WILLS.
+ Bloodwork lady with BABY JESUS MEDAL! ♥ Talked about our devotion to Him, and our love of our children/ brothers. Discussed gift of Halloween: "put on masks in order to unmask our soul"-- what "costumes" we wear/ choose actually reveal "who/ what we WANT to be" deep within. LOTS of thought-provoking truth there. She also gave me a GEMSTONE SHARK STICKER that her son made! We will treasure it. (ALSO, sharks are a HUGE childhood connection, so admitting and OWNING that fact is helping us re-build that bridge between "now & before," reuniting our adult Self TO our childhood Self, and learning to both recognize & reintegrate our own heart. That process is ESSENTIAL & INDISPENSABLE to our healing AND our wholeness as a person/ human in general!!

post-breakfast//

French toast, green tea & vanilla soy, 2 creamers

FRENCH TOAST)
POSITIVE= grandma making it; childhood breakfasts; mom vacations (stuffed)
NEGATIVE= CNC & inane memes; trying to make it myself; binge-choking
★ We MUST begin our meals with CHOOSING CONSCIOUS HONEST GRATITUDE. We've become too habituated to control/ pleasure, sinfully, and so we kneejerk complain. "No butter? No syrup?" No! Because God said "Not with this meal!" HE KNOWS BEST so TRUST HIM and THANK HIM! We first needed to face it PLAIN and deal with its OWN unique experience, because butter & syrup ADD THEIR OWN!!
+ Jesus guided us in speed & manner the whole time. ♥ He warned us to be mindful of "the appearance of evil" in our eating behavior, avoiding even "neutral" choices that may nevertheless "trigger" or negatively inspire others, or that would embarrass/ inconvenience others if I was SHARING a meal: notably, cutting off the crusts into small pieces & eating them separately. Jesus DID understand AND advise that I still need to take smaller bites, BUT He had me practice taking them AS bites, NOT mincing up the french toast itself! That is normalized behavior and will not arouse suspicion or negatively impact observers. Set a good example, ALWAYS.
+ Texture was dry; next time, SAVE THE SOYMILK to iWITH it. That will also prevent "sugar-seeking" additions; we've been given enough!!
+ "Saving certain bites for last/ always eating certain parts first" is OBSESSIVE and MUST be relaxed. It is NOT REQUIRED to separate textures; in fact that's DISORDERED & DISUNITIVE! Let go of that "pleasure-seeking" habit, and instead treat EVERY bite as a gift from God, so each bite is EQUALLY met with mindful gratitude, instead of "reserving" that attention for the first & last only. We ate at HIS direction, and every bite was lovely in that obedient, thankful trust. Do so always. ♥

SOYMILK)
★ HEALING PROCESS: we did a little more, but couldn't do much "realtime" re-association (that can ONLY occur IN TANDEM with REALTIME sensory data to associate WITH) yet. Imagining Dad laughing with us, arm around our shoulder, happy & close. The more we saturate the chronosphere with hope & positivity "offline," outside of meals & actual direct re-entry, the more effective and ABLE we will be able to heal when we go "online," hopefully tomorrow. The groundwork MUST be built up before/ after, too!!
✖ (show mercy!) WE SPILLED SOME when we went to pour it, AND trying to use the straw. Please, AVOID THE STRAW if possible? It's too humiliating & triggering yet. God we need to heal THAT TOO, though, to prevent complaining & "special treatment." Please help prepare our hearts for such healing, to be able to drink from a carton & straw WHENEVER that is what we must do to obey, and/or to be humble. Until then, ONLY POUR INTO A (MOSTLY) EMPTY CUP; trying to pour tiny bits SPILLS. So now we know, and have been justly humbled BECAUSE we were "mixing" too much, tea & milk & creamer-- a VERY disordered, dissociated behavior! Again, thank God for the loving lesson & chastisement. Now we can act with more propriety, maturity, self-control & humble simplicity.

GREEN TEA + CREAMER)
POSITIVE = different Borders girl: no mania or anxiety, very peaceful, FAITH tangible! Foggy/ rainy peace vibe.
NEGATIVE= tied to Q time period w/ Genesis; old "Parnassus" bad vibes. Feeling of oncoming dread.
✖ We squeezed the bag too hard, trying too hard, & broke the bag. It was a humiliating warning to not be so obsessive over "every last drop."
★ CAFFEINE HIT HARD. Be careful, please, if/ when we drink this again-- don't steep so long! It's SUPPOSED to be mild!

post-lunch//

A veggie burger w/ cheese, whole milk, 2 tea & 2 creamer, 2 s&p, 2 ketchup, 1 relish.

Our biggest obstacles:
(1) COMPLAINING: "I don't like/ enjoy the veggie burger's taste."
(2) COMPULSIVE, IMPROPER CONDIMENT USE: "must get salt & pepper" but NO ONE puts those on a burger!!
(3) PRIMARY GOAL AS "EGOCENTRIC EXPERIENCE": focusing too much on finding/ processing memories & emotions VIA FOOD, seeing food as a TOOL or CONCEPT instead of as GOD'S NOURISHMENT.
(4) ANXIETY AS LACK OF FAITH: triggers disordered behaviors to return, causes dissociation, & blocks grace. Our body WILL get sick & our mood WILL drop, making the meal a "void" UNTIL WE RETURN TO PRAYER!!

+ Immediate guilt/ shame panic response after taking condiments.
(1) "I don't really like/ want these; I shouldn't have taken any"
(2) "I sinned by taking them so selfishly/ sensuously; I didn't ask Jesus first"
(3) "BUT they're on my tray so now I HAVE to eat them"
★(4) IMMEDIATE disordered "exit door" behavior: attempting to eat the condiments solo to get rid of them
ALSO, (5) "but I HAVE to eat them to find our what memories/ associations are attached to them!" OR, "grandpa liked ketchup/ relish SO since I love him I MUST also eat those foods" (AND/OR relive those memories)

BURGER)
Burnt taste? Mushroomy. Not a "fan" of the flavor, so we felt mentally "grumbly"??? WHY DOES THE TASTE MATTER TO YOU. BE GRATEFUL & STOP BEING SO ENTITLED. // In kinder words: not every food will match our personal taste. THAT IS OKAY! They DON'T HAVE TO. Not "liking" a flavor is NOT "rejecting God's Creation." BUT complaining about it IS!! I am SURE we can learn to be sincerely grateful for a food EVEN IF it's "not our favorite" so to speak. God knows best; our opinion is humbly unimportant.
★ PLEASE take advantage of plurality for this! Like the morning bagel guy, I am SURE we can "find" someone inside whose personal resonance DOES match the food, and so WILL like it, and therefore DIRECTLY & CONCRETELY replace the very grumbling with TRUE gratitude. This will ALSO greatly increase our capacity for human empathy, communion, & relatability. ALL human beings eat, and have unique experiences & opinions & tastes. That IS NOT MORALLY WONG! It's a part of the kaleidoscopic wonder of God's bounteous Creativity & human individuality! And the more we can connect with that as a starting point, the more completely we can connect with PEOPLE, in genuine compassion & understanding & loving community!
+ There, admittedly, WAS a "snapshot" of a potential somebody, in a woodsy farmhouse setting (like the homestead), sitting outside in a pasture beneath the trees & beside an old barn, a cow grazing beside them. They RESONATED with the pale-neutral burger flavor, touching subtly on pale green like Sergei's? But no personal appearance data, other than the slight resonance with old grass-kissed overalls & a warm straw sunhat & maybe garden gloves & old gardening boots (brown) like grandma's-- outfits tend to manifest sooner than hair & faces do-- it's FAR too early & lacking in anchorage for that to occur. But! There's sincere potential! The only issue is that it cannot strengthen WITHOUT the direct association function anchor data input. So! Remember them for next time!

KETCHUP & RELISH)
✖ We licked ONE ketchup packet and were SO ashamed; we were also sorely tempted to eat the relish packet but didn't. Still, we felt SUCH regret when we put them on the burger. It felt SO compulsory; we felt like we "ruined it" as well. Only Christ got us through that.
✖ The ketchup overload squeezed out onto our hand, a DEEPLY HUMILIATING chastisement. We felt SO dirty & piggish; self-respect dropped. It felt like a direct consequence of "compromising our moral values"; compulsion/ greed/ ego instead of temperate simplicity.
✖ Likewise, the relish not only LOOKS like vomit, we were so disgusted with ourselves for it AND nauseated by it that we were trying to scrape it off the burger with our teeth in shame, like hiding evidence of sin. MORE profoundly humiliating chastisement for our choice! Yet EVEN NOW I feel like I have to apologize to grandpa because pickles are HIS food-- but NOT pickles on burgers!! REMEMBER THAT so we don't force datamashes accidentally like this OR trigger compulsive deconstruction/ disordered condiment consumption anymore!!
★ SIMILARLY, ketchup is ONLY tied to Grandpa because of Farmer's Market fries & Hose Company Breakfast eggs, NOT as straight ketchup!! And we KNOW that data already. We're not obligated to re-live it every chance we get because we miss him. Those memories CAN be re-lived OUTSIDE of meals, too!! BUT the sensory data brings it "into the Now," making it TANGIBLE and REAL, helping to repair our whole historical Self by VALIDATING the experiences OF those memories AS OURS, NOW. So that IS important, we must admit. STILL. THERE ARE PROPER CIRCUMSTANCES. You CANNOT eat relish packets as a sign of mourning. When God gives you a LEGIT pickle, though? THAT is something Grandpa ate, AS he would eat it! THAT way the EXPERIENCE IS REALISTIC!!
★ THAT'S our key to healing this! Grandpa NEVER ate relish OR ketchup packets, OR put them on burgers! STACKING HIS ASSOCIATED FOODS CANNOT BRING US CLOSER TO HIM, because it is FORCED, DISORDERED, & ARTIFICIAL. Literally the ONLY way to truly visit his chronospheres is to do so IN LIKE MANNER WITH HIM. THAT'S part of the empathy, too, that we talked about with the burger-- it MUST come through COMMON SHARED EXPERIENCE, and NATURALLY so!!!
★ PARTICULAR food combos and preparations yield PARTICULAR memories/ associations, and due to the vividness of that data, they RARELY overlap!! SO DON'T FORCE ARTIFICIAL COMBOS, ESPECIALLY IF THEY ARE DISORDERED OR COMPULSIVE. Eat what you're given AS it is given, as PURE & SIMPLE AS POSSIBLE!

Some final important notes on our lunch lessons:

SALT & PEPPER)
✖ We should NOT have taken salt & pepper, BUT we acted in ignorance: at the time, we assumed that they were "UNIVERSAL CONDIMENTS" and therefore COULD be added to anything-- and in our habituated compulsiveness, we incorrectly & impulsively concluded that we therefore MUST add them to everything. B&W thinking, again. We were SO ashamed, putting them on the burger. We FELT how dis-ordered it was, and wanted to hide in humiliation.
★ Jesus SPECIFICALLY told us we DIDN'T HAVE TO EAT THEM, BUT He let us put them on the burger anyway-- yet ONLY half, at His direction-- so we could have DIRECT experience AS to why s&p don't go on burgers: "rational data" to oppose compulsions with. And oh boy, did that work! It was DISGUSTING, haha. So NOW WE KNOW. And DON'T feel guilty for that "judgment"!!! We LIKE salt and pepper both, BUT DISORDERED USE DISTORTS THEM, to the point where you "morally" SHOULDN'T "like" them IN THAT DISTORTED STATE because it is then, essentially, NOT "TRULY ITSELF." So yeah, when they're abused, they're gross, BECAUSE ABUSE/ DISORDER IS GROSS. Remember this!!!

TEA)
Pure & simple, no trouble; only association is mom/ Astra and surprisingly non-anxious "kitchen memory" vibes? Maybe explore that, actually-- try one w/o creamer & just see if that elicits anything. If not, that's fine; now we know.
+ Actually, TRY to stop drinking half of both & pouring one into the other; that is OBVIOUS disordered behavior too. Really, in general, STOP MIXING. God's Creation was all about HOLY SEPARATION, ALL such "distinction" being INHERENTLY GOOD & TRUE!!! Go re-read Genesis, & Haim Shore's commentary on it! This forced hypercombining we keep doing (for yet-unknown reasons!!), this mashing up data & destroying unique individuality & mangling proper harmonizations... honestly it's demonic. It's going from order to destruction. It is, I repeat, DISORDERED both physically & morally and it MUST STOP! So pray about it, please. God WILL help us, as long as we admit our great need, contritely confess our sins, admit our helplessness and run to Him like the clumsy yet trusting child we are.

WHOLE MILK)
( this paragraph is explicitly triggering. hidden for safety. )

post-dinner//

Apple, chicken tenders, butter, mashed potatoes // 2 tea, 2 creamer, 3 s&p, 1 ketchup, 1 relish

+ We DISLIKE ketchup & it's EMPTY DATA. Relish is NOT just pickle; also cabbage & pepper. So ditch it. Too much LOUD vinegar in both, too. (That infogain is WHY Jesus let us try it just once more. Now we can INFORMEDLY stop.)
+ Salt overload; allowed here only to teach that & help blood pressure. TEMPERANCE. Practice cutting down to 1. Overuse is DISORDERED too!
+ 2 creamers in one tea, other plain. Same data as always, both are neutral good, so no worries there. No combining this way, too!
+ Chicken tenders ARE tender! Easy to chew & tasty; they have immediate SHS lunch memories (positive). A happy food. We resisted the compulsion to eat the breading off! And we cut them into medium pieces, NO mincing or hyperchewing. Some breaded bits made us think of mom's chicken parmesan, & also echoed the breading on fish at restaurants; family fondness with each.
★ We imagined eating this, or a similar meal, WITH mom, thinking: "If I did this (behavior) while she was there (watching & associated with me), would she be ashamed or embarrassed? Would such a behavior reflect badly on her, or make people raise their eyebrows at me (as it was abnormal)?" And I'm telling you, now THAT is a supereffective "behavior compass" to follow!! It's anchored in LOVE & RESPECT, not ego! So DO THAT at EVERY meal!! ♥
+ Mashed potatoes looked "threatening" (WHY? just "potato allergy/ panic" symptom fear? "Carb terror"?) BUT they were straight-up KFC flavor. INSTANT childhood association, positively! But again, that odd anxious/ nervous ambience. (Fear of misbehaving/ discipline?) Imagined family smiling, saying grace together, GIVING me the potatoes ("we know you like them, so help yourself"), and telling little us, "We're glad you're here." Relief. ♥ (So far, the kids in these memories are SHOCKED to be treated with compassion & inclusion.)

post-snack//

quick snack notes: NO MORE FRUIT TEA ATTEMPTS. we want to puke. they ALL have bloody hibiscus which tastes SHARP and LOUD and it's so acidic it CURDLES THE CREAMER. so we're legitimately sick right now, and nauseous, and angry? we feel oddly disgusted with ourself. we forgot to taste it plain so NOW we feel FORCED to "try it again" because we have this panicked compulsion that we MUST know what it tastes like and we MUST LIKE IT or we are an ignorant, closed-hearted, selfish and pompous ass. WHY. We DON'T like fruit tea and we DON'T want to have to try everything but we feel FORCED & COMPELLED TO and we want to cry like a sick child. Our stomach hurts. We're miserable. Oh and EVEN WORSE, we got the Cheddar Sun Chips to "bravely tackle TWO fear foods" because oddly cheese FLAVOR is terrifying? And chips are DIRTY food, sticky & crumby & staining your fingers wrong and gross. We feel SO DIRTY when we eat chips. It's humiliating. It's such a horrible trauma trigger. So the chips made our outside scary, and the tea made our inside scary. WHY CAN'T WE FREELY SAY NO??? I DON'T WANT TO DRINK FRUIT TEA PLEASE. But this internal cruel voice replies, "Tough sh*t! You don't GET to decide. You do what you're told! And stop being such a rebellious brat!!!" WHY. Saying "no" to the tea that SOMEONE ELSE LIKES-- especially our dear grandma; didn't SHE like orange tea? We want to weep-- means REJECTING THEM. I feel so helpless.
What do we do. We DON'T LIKE FRUIT TEA and now we're gonna be SCARED too, remembering tonight and how SICK & NAUSEOUS our poor body feels!! God, dear Jesus our Savior, please make something good result from this. Help us stop complaining and carry this cross with You. Help us to FORGIVE ourself, too, and not be angry or hateful at the food either. Help us not to throw up please because we REALLY want to. But... not giving in to that terrified urge will help our recovery SO MUCH. We have learned to "run away" from this sort of suffering instead of enduring it for Christ. Wow. I guess THAT'S the Good that can come out of this. God I hope so. Please help us. I just noticed we got a TINY spot of cheese on our clean shirt and we want to die. We feel SO DIRTY. like our soul is gross & filthy. stupid ugly stinky disgusting cheese. I hate it. it's evil. God help and forgive me.
I need help. I can't forgive myself for being so PIGGISH and GROSS and STINKY and DIRTY!!!
I want to cry
i want to sleep
im so humiliated
so ashamed
im SO stupid
i try to act so smart & mature
im just an idiot

im sorry God

please

let me just sleep ok

i love You

im sorry im so dumb

im sorry my body and soul are
so dirty
wrong
disgusting

please

make me pure and clean again

im so sorry

good night i guess

↑ ✳LET YOURSELF FEEL YOUR EMOTIONS!!!! BURYING, DENYING, INVALIDATING, &/OR SUPPRESSING THEM CAUSES THIS-- AN IMPLOSION & EXPLOSION BOTH!!!

SESSION PARTICIPANTS

LAURIE UBERICH

"LOTUS"

We need to talk about this eating disorder. It hasn't stopped yet, and although we’re not as bad as we used to be, it's still harmful and it needs to stop.

So what's the focus on it tonight, kid? Anything in particular or just the whole shebang?

Well, specifically the roots, the cause of it. We need to find that, the source, the motivation, so that no matter what happens next time, we can reroute that initial impulse to something productive and/or healing.

Sounds good to me, kid. By the way I apologize-- one, it is really hard to front or be conscious right now, and two, you still don't got a bloody name so that's throwing this whole entire thing into havoc.

I'm speaking mainly through the Autopilot right now in any case, but you're right. I am still searching for a name that fits and doesn't call anyone else out. But why are you struggling to be conscious? Body fatigue? Or are we still too heavily in the social context?

Bit of both, mostly the first. All that bingeing nonsense is wreaking havoc on our collective mind and frankly that's walling us all out upstairs. Body wants to dissociate and THAT might be playing into the bingeing thing, too, kid. It's looking for some excuse to unplug for a few hours, and right now we keep bloody forgetting that we CAN walk in circles in the living room if we want to, or lie down on the porch, or in the playroom even, instead of making ourselves sick by checking out and wrecking the entire bloody kitchen in the process.

That is an extremely relevant point and have we discussed this before?

Inevitably. Unquestionably, of course we've discussed that hellish eating disorder before, or do you mean the motives? Or specifically the battles we're fighting with it now here in North Carolina?

I was thinking specifically the motives, and you saying it sounded like "wanting to die without dying" and that's really what this still is, the dissociating for hours thing.

True. But really I'm thinking we're leaving out the food part itself entirely too much and that's a massive clerical error right there. It's an eating disorder; we've got to factor in the fact that food is involved. Otherwise we'd already have options-- do we, actually? Right now, could this compulsion to binge and purge feasibly be rerouted TO anything else? Healthy or harmful, either way works right now, I just need answers.

Well, we already know it's swappable for alcoholism, and possibly drug abuse, seeing how this same compulsion gets thrown towards sleeping pills and antacids and Benadryl and dairy pills and everything else that's not immediately a toxicity risk, but even that is mouth-based. Consumption based. It all boils down to biting and chewing mainly, not even swallowing-- that infamously does Not factor into the mental imagining and decision-making process.

Really?

Really. Like when I look at plans, or memory, in the social-level head memory bank, I can see them thinking about the nut butter and oatmeal again--

Didn't they get the freaking memo? That stuff is like eating wallpaper glue. We know this. Why do they keep looking for it? The oil content alone makes us want to die, that's how we end up with kids slumped over the sink and sobbing hysterically for Jesus to help them at 3 in the morning. Our stomach can NOT handle oil and that memo keeps being blithely skipped over, what the heck, these social kids NEED to get on the ball with taking into consideration the physical consequences of those choices. Anyway, they're planning it again, huh?

Yeah. Specifically that one girl, the one with the long hair who feels partly like a manic Jewel but resonates Brown I think?

Warm brown, I assume?

Yeah. Maybe she's a deadname, but I don't think so. Not anymore. She's got the basic body overlay and she feels about, I don't know, 15? 16? Before spinningcannon.

Wait, she's chronological?

A LOT of socials are. I wouldn't be surprised if all of them prior to NC had their roots in time pockets like that. It makes sense, considering their job.

Yeah, it does. Still, it's morbidly fascinating to realize that compulsions and addictions and abuse patterns and all that can be tracked to a freaking time period just by feeling out the body-mirror resonance of the corpufoni that holds it. By the way are we still using that term? Or did we find-slash-invent new jargon for that level?

Uh, working on it. We need to do more research first though. But yeah, probably new jargon, but for now if you want to use "corpufoni" then that works in a pinch I suppose. "Body voice." I just don't like the implication of separateness from the Upstairs that that implies. They're a "nous" voice, too. Just working on a different level.

Hence why I asked if the term was still applicable, so thanks kid. I'll stick to "Social kids" if I've gotta refer to them collectively for now, no problem. But as I was saying. Or, looking back on the chatlog, as socials were saying. This girl's motivation for gorging on sticky oats. What's her prerogative?

Hold up, I'm checking data. They used to have oily oats instead, just dry oats with sugar and vegetable oil, but the thought of eating that is correctly sending oil-memory body chills through our form, and even she is shuddering at it, so that's a no-go. Someone else is feeling the obligation to still do it, though.

Boy or girl?

Dude, actually. Might be Jonathan, if that's the same nervous kitchen guy we've been keeping track of for so long.

What's his deal? What is his anchor even for heaven's sake? Why's he so afraid and compulsive with this nonsense?

I don't know, let me see if I can ask actually.

(…)

The sun's coming up. It's beautiful.
Why can't we eat normal meals?
We can. We just haven't decided to yet.
Why do we keep repeating things that don't work then?
Because we changed it once, and Jonathan is afraid to change back.

Jon's afraid of "changing back," huh? Then why's he perpetuating old garbage loops? You know oil in oats makes us sick, but you insist you "want" it, solely because you want to "do the thing you're used to doing." Kid your brain is an addled mess, and you're only lapsing into these harmful patterns because they're patterns. Your brain is so bloody tired and exhausted with anxiety over daily life that you're afraid to even put forwards any extra stress by trying something new, even if it would help. You just do what was done once, so you don't have to think about it. You're literally an anxiety shutdown nousfoni and you NEED to reroute that function to something healthful because it could ACTUALLY be helpful if you would just use it wisely for once, kid.

…

Speaking of. Kid. Core dude. White haired crystal-light heart fella who’s in this Xanga-ass session with me. You still around?

Always, just gotta call me.

Cool. So here I am calling you. Jonathan's motives. He's anxiety looping. Wait, no. He's mindlessly looping for the sake of avoiding a specific kind of anxiety, essentially the stress that comes from change, especially trying something new, or-- God forbid-- admitting that an old behavior pattern doesn’t work towards our health and having to figure out something new that does. Problem is, Jonathan's personal timeflow has no stops. No breaks. It's always moving like a treadmill on high and he can't even stop to catch his breath or it's going to knock him off his feet. That's why he's the one insisting on just emptily repeating old food patterns, even if they don't work or make sense-- because they're ritualized, they're literally just behaviors smashed together into a script, something "self-soothing" he can default to almost as a stim, except the problem is that it's only applying to food. It wouldn't work otherwise. Somehow, the end result of this garbage ending up in our collective mouth is important somehow. Why? Kid, you got any pointers or answers or wondering questions about it?

Of course, that's my job I think. Light. Piercing through obfuscation and bringing things to be illumined. Revealed. Understood. But yes, definitely thoughts on this. Gosh the body's tired though.

Oh yeah, that's what I was going to tell you way up there at the top of the page. You've got one hour before your Food Lion run, so congratulations for making it this far. Congrats to all of us for the record. Yeah we messed up, big time, but hey, look at this, we're having a Xanga session as a result. Cool beans. Thoughts?

Hm. Well, first things first, it's obvious that Jon's just trying to work with Iscah in developing a set meal plan here. Problem is, it's havoc right now. We should be sticking to FODMAP management as well as the dietary exchange card. We need to work within a structure, or someone else is going to compulsively throw inedible meal combos together because "this food is healthy, we Have to eat it " and ultimately just making us sick.

But the oats aren't healthy-- wait, no you're right, it's the combo nonsense. Again.

Exactly! "Oats are fiber," we need fat according to UPMC," and "we shouldn't be afraid of sugar" causes an absolute nonsense combo that is both inedible and abusive to our body because one, we cannot have oil without excruciating pain & nausea, and two, we cannot have sugar without excruciating pain & nausea.

And dizziness so freakin' bad we almost passed out from it today. Twice!

In once week! Yeah it's terrifying, and I don't know why they keep forcing sugar when they KNOW it's terrifying and we ALL think it's disgusting.

There, there's that voice. The interjection. That fearful "but we can't judge it!" that's going to MAKE us keep eating sugar "until we like it." And that's a toxic introjected thought process from the grandmother, ultimately, isn't it.

It sure it. Can't think of anyone else who said it to us but that single speaking source is important enough to be this solid. So. There's two big challenges here--

Hold up-- look at that sunrise.

Gosh. Wow. It's soulfire pink.

Sure is, kid.

…Thank you, Laurie.

For what?

Stopping us to see that. That's an important lesson. Thank you.

(...)

Another huge concern: our body has been VERY SICK lately from IBS. It's flared up spectacularly lately and we're not sure why. It's worrying us greatly.

Hold up. Gonna go sit on the porch for a minute then get back to this and finish those thoughts.

---

021618. 23:02.

Quite frankly, we're sick of being built on tragedy.

it's the first of the "nine nights" and we have no spoons and our body is weak and exhausted and confused and we're angry, we're frustrated, we're heartbroken, we're sad, and we're so so sick of this.
we've made up our minds. yes, struggle is necessary for growth sometimes. but the key word is SOMETIMES. we HAVE to learn how to use HEALTHINESS for growth. otherwise, we're gonna die. there's no two ways about it. we're gonna die.

we're thinking about what we can do for this first night.
we want to review the system list. find the people whose identities are foggy, whose names are clear but faces are indistinct, who have neither name nor face, etc. we want to make a list of them and FIND them. we want to be a coherent, united system, and that's the only way it's going to happen. we have to put the work in.
already, thinking about that is bringing happiness up in us. good.

we're sitting alone on the floor of the playroom with the white christmas lights on in front of us. god we're so happy in here. we feel safe and good and real. something about this environment-- a tiny space, alone and comfortable with tiny lights amidst deep silent darkness, sad and tired and weak but fiercely determined and unflinchingly happy and in love beneath it all-- it feels like us. I guess that's who/how we've been for years. so it makes sense.

our poor body is still sick, sick, sick in the gastrointestinal sense.
we had a weird but jarringly heavy realization earlier. realizing that our stomach was growling, but we had no appetite at all. the thought of eating made us nauseous, but we knew the body had to be fed.
and immediately, we thought of an i.v. drip, and the relief was tangible.
why is this? why the bizarre but powerful comfort in hospitals, in medical environments? is it because we spent SO much time in them over the course of our life?
prince pax has been around lately, when we reached his point of the archives and remembered his name. bam, there he was, remembered and therefore able to live again. he's the one that got us through our most recent. g.i. hospital stay, for the viral colitis infection. we were in excruciating pain for a week, up all night in that dark room with the city lights outside and medical noises all above and below and around us, but he was there strong. I think he was around for the bradycardia stay, too? but memory for that one is fuzzy, as I think we slept for most of it. no strength.
weirdly, too, NO memory of food for that entire time, other than the awareness of having glass jars full of carrots (?) brought to us by the birth family. no other memory. we remember being afraid everything would rot in the warm room. but that's it.
anyway. the i.v. drip. god we wish we could be fed that way. remember when our pcp almost got us that feeding tube? we still wonder if that would be a good idea, because eating in general is so exhausting.

good thing:
oh hey it's 11:11 ♥

but yes. good things. as surprising things, but good at heart. always.
breakfast this morning was the usual, but we had less of an appetite than usual, and we had no desire to eat it. why is this good? because that means there is NO binge impulse with it. some people see three bowls of vegetables and want to inhale them, as a stim or abuse method or obligatory behavior, but this morning we ate a few mouthfuls of spinach and were like, nope, that's it. we're full. we don't want any more food.
we had to, though. like we said, body's weak, it needs fuel. but why is it sick? is it a bug, or is it our diet?
we're wondering what to do. we can't stomach carbs well, but that's surprising, because iscah had to eat SO MANY of them for nine weeks straight, with no major trouble.

oh!! another huge revelation we had earlier, looking into the bathroom mirror, trying to feel out the "binge motives."
there is a warfront with two opposing sides, and two opposing views of the body:
side #1 is the "starve" side. the thin, bony, anxious, angry-sad, neurotic "girls" (always female pronouns but NEVER female) that want the body to be thin, NOT in a waifish way, but in a wiry way. raw muscle strength. tight and lean like a spring. they are terrified of softness, of weight, of heaviness, of bloated bodies. they want to be like a robot or machine. all lean lines, no excess shape. they don't want to eat at all, and have very little conception of the process.
side #2 is the "stuff" side. again, "girls," but these are softer, rounder, bigger, chubby, cheery, and they like to eat. they're focused on "being good" and "surviving," but all their motives are programmed. iscah is one of them, possibly the main one, as she is the healthiest. they are motivated by thoughts like, "fat is good, it gives us energy and keeps us warm, we have to eat fat." or, "carbs give us energy to run, carbs give us calories, we have to eat carbs." there's a LOT of religious thought in here, too-- "god manifests as bread," "god anoints with oil," "god is in flesh," etc.
but you notice the key distinction? group #2 focuses on HEAVY foods. oil, carbs, sugar, meat to a lesser extent.
maybe there's a group #3? the meat-eaters. their motives are VERY different.
and a group #4, too. the "dessert whores," is what someone upstairs said. the sugar eaters. the ones who go for fruit and candy and sweet things. not even as gluttons, though-- they are motivated by this weird thought that "we need to gain weight and this is the fastest way to do it," PLUS "it's a drug that makes you happy, right? and we NEED to feel happy, so that'll work" except it DOESN'T it makes us SICK AND MISERABLE WHY DON'T YOU EVER GET THE FREAKING DATA OR DON'T YOU CARE????
god I'm sorry I'm just so tired of this.
triple is that you??
yes. leave me alone. I'm tired. I don't want to talk.
okay.

so. stream of consciousness entries means going back to topics that were unfinished. gotta keep the flow going.
the meat-eaters. they're motivated by religion, too.
really, ALL the lotophagoi are primarily motivated by one of three things, with TONS of overlap:
1) health teachings, e.g. "fruit is good for you so you MUST eat it" or health fears, e.g. "if you don't eat fat your brain will stop working and you will die"
2) emotional teachings, e.g. "you can't be afraid of the possibility of being allergic to eggs, you HAVE to eat them," "why are you scared of bread, eat it and see there's nothing to be afraid of," etc. backfires spectacularly as the ones who are scared aren't the ones eating. when they are, the terror makes them purge.
3) religious teachings, e.g. "eating meat gives us psychopomp feelings therefore you MUST eat it," "god said there is a land of milk and honey so you MUST like those things," etc.

a list of foods affected by this:

meat= disliked, that thought is denied. "you HAVE to like meat, it's LIVING THINGS!!" the thought that if we "don't like the taste of meat" we are somehow sinning, condemning animal existence.

milk= intolerant. again the thought, "intolerance is cold-hearted! you must accept and love it." THAT'S NOT HOW GASTRIC INTOLERANCE WORKS YOU DELUDED I can't swear at them, they're not trying to be bad, what the heck, this is miserable (triple again. this is my job, leave me alone please)
milk is also a MASSIVE TRAUMA TRIGGER as it triggers "infantilization" flashbacks and suicidal impulses.
allegedly, iscah likes cheese, but we only know this through residual data. we're not sure of the post-upmc "terror month" changed this, because all she ATE was cheese (and yogurt) and we clearly remember getting super sick from it. the last day, she had a bowl of cheese sitting on the porch, and our body was violently rejecting it so bad she had to throw it out on the crudpile. I think since then it's become a trigger food even for her. the house would do that.

bread= stomach spasm-vomits immediately upon ingesting flour, for unknown reasons. the nausea is crippling. we cannot help this response, it is almost automatic.
but the body keeps craving it? like the seed bread OV bought today. we had a slice and the body wanted it so badly. why. why. the mental sheer panic response was unbearable. bread is a BIG trigger food and we don't know why. eating plastic-packaged bread. it makes us shake with impending doom. bad bad bad feelings. why?
either way, body not a fan. flashbacks to bathrooms, the gluten-free bread. remember? how heavy it was? because of rice flour? rice gave us horrific g.i. troubles for ages. it still gives us awful mental issues because of the blood sugar spike, it's terrible, please don't eat it.

so what do we do?
"we need carbs," the phrase continues.
we GET carbs. have you seen how many vegetables we eat? THAT'S ALL CARBS.
"but it's not bread carbs," they say. "we need bread carbs." but there's a hesitance, a quiet anxiety to their voice.
do we really?
"grandma and the doctors said so," a young girl blurts out. maybe 7, 8.
do "bread-carbs" make you sick?
"…"
no reply. an obvious "yes" awareness, but staunch refusal to admit it.

not going to get any further

"we don't want it to make us sick," they say. "maybe it'll stop all this diarrhea and stomach pain," they say, "because that's from the eggs, right? we're allergic to eggs, right?"
NO WHAT THE HECK STOP PUTTING THAT IN OUR HEAD WE'RE FREAKING FINE!!!! WE'VE BEEN EATING THEM FOR MONTHS WE'RE NOT GOING TO SUDDENLY DEVELOP AN ALLERGY OVERNIGHT
except upmc said we might they wouldn't even let us eat almonds because they thought we were getting an allergy to them
BUT WE HAD THE SAME FREAKING REACTION TO THE ICE CREAM YET THEY WOULDN'T LET US STOP EATING THAT BECAUSE IT WAS "US BEING AFRAID OF SUGAR AND TRYING TO GET OUT OF EATING IT" AND ALL THAT GARBAGE
does that mean we're allergic to milk too?? like mel??
NO STOP WHAT THE HECK WHY DO YOU THINK WE HAVE TO BE ALLERGIC TO EVERYTHING I AM SO FREAKING SICK OF THIS!!!!!!!!!
that’s overload, not triple, are they-- are you blurring that bad?
OUR JOBS OVERLAP. I'M TRIPLE. I'M FURIOUS. BUT OVERLOAD FEELS THE OVERWHELM. THAT'S HER JOB. MINE IS JUST TO BE RAW FURIOUS BURNING ANGER AT THE GARBAGE SHE'S BEING PUT THROUGH FEELING AND EXPRESSING LIKE THIS.

so what do we do.
about what?
about the diet. about eating. bottom line is, we want an i.v. drip.
can we do protein powders? no, they made us sick before, didn't they?
yeah. yeah, they did. they were all we ate for months and we got that horrible abdominal pain from protein excess, remember? at least, that's what we figured it was. too much for this body to process, probably.
plus it was nauseating, data says. at least, it's foggy, so I think so.
it was. I think. you're right, I have no idea. "data missing." or expunged. we kept having to repeat it even in PA and could never remember, I remember.
irony.
only in phrasing. but that keeps happening to us. is our situational awareness // actually that bad?
maybe. we dissociated a lot in that house.
who is talking? who are you guys? are you text-onlys?
probably.
but you have faces? blurry faces? do you have names?
we should, shouldn't we?
you blur together real easily though. it's hard to tell you apart

(mental overwhelm)

what else can we talk about.
this eating disorder is pure hell and right now we're just scared because
1) body still sick. not sure if this is because of eggs, or too much vitamin a, or too much roughage. we need to experiment with this (try no eggs, but then what do we use for protein? try no cilantro is easy enough, though, although we crave it for some reason, probably the chlorophyll). maybe (definitely) see a doctor. we have medicaid, that should cover it.
but right now we don't know what else to do. just keep trying, stay hydrated, don't panic. we've been through worse than this.
2) so much fear still tied to eating. so many foods we could potentially eat to widen our diet, but we won't because we're either afraid of eating them or afraid of liking them. we want to live cheaply, minimally, etc. eggs are the cheapest protein. lettuce and cilantro and cucumbers are the cheapest vegetables.
3) so many foods DO make us sick, and/or are triggers. like white flour, and dairy products, and sugar, and beans, and anything with a high carb content. so we CAN'T eat those without painful consequences. we've tested this repeatedly. the results are the SAME. so we have to trust this, even if it's scary and a lot of us would rather fight it tooth and nail because the thought of being "disabled" in a g.i. way is almost unbearable? like, "why can't I be a normal person" translating to "normal=good" or the like. they don't want to be normal, per se, but if they're not normal, they're not seen as human, and even if they don't WANT to be "human," if they're not seen as such, then they're ALSO not seen as deserving of human respect. and they're terrified of being objectified and viewed as a wild animal just because they can't "eat like a [normal] human being." THAT'S the fear. rejection of personhood because of a stupid dietary issue. but it happens. it always happens. god knows why.

we're so tired of this.
we just want eating to be super simple. SUPER SIMPLE. routine isn't a sin with this, it's a blessing.
eggs and vegetables for breakfast. every day. simple, cheap, reliable. no thinking about it.
dinner, what the heck. whatever they make for us. THAT'S the ideal. no thinking about it.
we're so tired of making our own meals. but they don't cook in the evenings anymore, like they did during the sideways week. so we have to adapt. plus we can't eat what they do. we can't have pizza or rice or ground beef or sandwiches, and when I say "can't" I DON'T mean "we're physically unable" (because that's a lie and it WILL be tested by someone inside); I mean that we are capable of eating it but if we do we will experience PHYSICAL SUFFERING. except someone wants to test the "will" and god help you but is the chance really worth it? look at the data results from all the previous times you tested it. look.
"but that one time, we DIDN'T get sick," they say, adamant, afraid, hopeful somehow.
yeah, but what about the other twenty times? I say.
"we/you were just afraid," they say, pleading, desperate, still hopeful. "if you weren't afraid, it wouldn't hurt."
god, we wish. we wish. but is it worth the trying?
"if it will make life easier for them, yes."
…
still. we have to respect our own health. kid, some things we aren't going to be able to eat, nor should we. like those pizzas. MASSIVE trigger food, also you KNOW our body would violently reject it. do you realize that?
"yes. I didn't say you have to eat that!"
but it was implied. "it only hurts if you're afraid." kid there are kids in this system that LIKE pizza, or at least the idea of it, and god knows they WANT to eat it but they WON'T because they get the data. they KNOW that if they LITERALLY ate pizza in this body, we would get VERY SICK.
"only because you're afraid!!"
THAT'S NOT IT. WE'RE LACTOSE INTOLERANT AND OUR BODY CAN'T HANDLE HEAVY CARBOHYDRATE LOADS SO SHUT THE HECK UP IF YOUR IGNORANT REFUSAL TO ADMIT THE TRUTH IS GOING TO HURT EVERY SINGLE OTHER PERSON UP HERE.

can we stop talking about this
this is simeon
sylvain?
the third boy? between them.
sylvain is more scared and weepy

please stop talking about the food!! it's scary and I don't like how it feels in here

it's okay, I promise. we're okay. they're just upset because they hurt.

and then there's me
are we triplets?

maybe we are!! maybe we are? I don't know how anchors work, is that ok

of course it's ok, you don't need to know how they work unless you want to. but you're not in trouble if you don't know! no one holds it against you.

are you sure?? they said don't be ignorant, I don't want to be ignorant

SYLVAIN I WASN'T TALKING to you you're fine, I promise, you never do anything bad. you’re always okay.

(simeon feels much older than he was/ than we thought. maybe that's where this third kid is coming in, to fill his previous role)

what else, what other topic was there

1) system members. we need to review the lists and find people
(oh hey it's 11:54 pm!! good we're tired. one more hour then we can sleep)
(our stomach still feels funny, are we gonna be ok??) sy
(yes, we'll be okay, trust me. I'm here for you. and they're here for everyone else. we'll make it through this! one way or another.)
(and if we don't??)
(we will, kid. life doesn't actually end in death. besides, we've got people on the outside who care a heck of a lot about us. say this body is going through some severe trouble that's gonna require serious treatment. we'll get it, one way or another, come hell or high water. if OV and MC can't help us out, you know the good-hearted birthfam will.)
(since when were they good hearted??)
(since we started seeing them as people and not perpetuations of their mistakes, for goodness's sake. look at every single email we've gotten from the mother. she's a good person, we know that, we've ALWAYS known that for heaven's sake, we just got bloody blinded by falsely defining her by her trauma-mimicking behavior. hurt people hurt people, and so help me god I am not going to condemn anyone to that ever again. look at our system. hurt people need love and understanding and a listening ear. that's so they can heal. same with the birthfam. chill the heck out. we know they're good at heart, that's been proven, too. now go on with the bullet list, kids)
2) spectrum colors! discovering resonances, attributes, color realm data, etc. also (sherlock thinking here) clarifying exactly how many color slots there truly are; e.g. the orange differentiation question we currently have. similarly, does this still adhere to the supposed "trio pattern" where colors occur in threes, not just tint-tone-shade triads? look into this.
3) jargon. simple as that
4) we'll think of it. let's focus on the first two first, mainly, only if need be.

body acting up, gotta just breathe and deal with it, not obsess over it. it is at is it. we'll be okay.
drink water darn it we're dehydrated from all this trouble anyway

good idea.

also done typing for now, at least here. now to do the actual work.
also daily updates, don't forget those!!
thanks jewel. we will.

signing off at 12:02 am on saturday

going to see black panther later today it's gonna be good if we go into it that way!! movies are super cool LET'S DO IT let's get popcorn too, // can we try some?
are we gonna do the cheesy fry thing or is that gonna stay a conceptual injoke or what
we'll see when the time comes.

as for now, like I said, let's work on the "nine nights" data discovery.
if we don't, it will stay just empty words, and not actual system growth. what we write, we must bring into existence by working.
"it's only one half of the spell" I hear from upstairs.
who resonates with THAT??
I wonder. but that's what these nights are to be about. finding out.
cool, then let's get to it!
my thoughts exactly.

12:04am 021718

[uncensored for brutal honesty]

proverbs 9:16-18

eating disorder hell.

Allergy panic girl
Blue obligation girl
Enjoying eater girl = tied to CAKE???????
Bingeing girl (once we hit "that point") = tied to RUPTURE.
rupture's "second name" keeps feeling lke GORGE but thats sounding like a SURNAME, NOT A SECOND NAME. why is this? is that name tied to her girl instead???
cannot even theorize rupture's second name because we do't know enough about her function and/or heart host TO guess.

tobiko hasn't been out in a while?
someone ELSE keeps purging, "we're going to die why cant we stop" mindset
tobiko would panic "get the poison out" then became dpressed and QUIT??? IS HER ANCHOR CHANGING LIKE RAZORS???
but this current purge person basically BLACKS OUT in the process. existing before nd after, not during.
too much fear and trauma to have tobiko front for that anymore???

WHERE IS SPICE WHEN THIS ALL HAPPENS?????

WHO IS TIED TO THAT BIG TAURUS DAEMON???
someone definitely is. but i think that soeone is still vague. i KNOW they were out but we can't even get thier fronting data (this is simeon, hi!)

Chocoloco still tied to angry "jess" BUT he was yelling at the latter nousfoni? the one eating the chocolate candy.
did they even like it????

THERE'S A BROWN MANIC WHO ONLY FRONTS TO LOOK FOR UPPERS????
"we need to stay awake, we need to have coffee and/or chocolate!!!!"
BUT CHOCOLOCO ISN'T FROM HER. THAT'S SURPRISING.
WHY IS THIS?
(her heart can't hold a daemon??? choco tied to the global concept??? feel this out)

IS THIS THE SAME NOUSFONI WHO KEEPS DRINKING ALCOHOL OR ARE THERE TWO OF THEM???

there's someone ANGRY who comes out when we try to read corrective or self-knowledge stuff???
girl. close to angry jess root but not her. muddy brown, feels washed out. angry at me/us fr typing this but wont stop us? just a low flat disdainful anger.
the boy from yesterday (zodiac rage) has an edge to his anger. he'll yell about it. this girl wont. like a heavy dead weight anger, no action. just shutdown.
why? what are her roots?
her response think "don't think about that" nose wrinkle and try to BLACK IT OUT. like covering eyes. total shut off! scary.
why does she do that? doesn't she want to learn
she cannot front if someone else is strongly fronting? only if in vague pseudosocial mode? like readig.
need a name for THAT state of mind. different from upstairs AND downstairs. sort of an inbetween.
headspace level parallel???
anyway we have to find someone who LIKES reading that stuff so they can OVERPOWER that, for lack of a better term. (who am i, they're thinking i'm the "bleaching optimistic" one, that stings but i think its true.)
also, whoever this good-reading person might be, they CANNOT be hyperreligious, that only compounds the problem. religious voices need to be dealt with very carefully as they bring an entire other level of tangled motives into the picture and we cannot untangle both at once with this, not safely.

Juniper = job is to SAY NO. NO MATTER WHAT.
CHAOS out helping Juniper. Lots of love there actually. they remember the last time.
someone called her out!!!! who?

Mirror realization, called JESSICA out??? LEGIT DEADNAME CORE. A GOOD PERSON!!!!!!!!!
Someone else before her, recognizing the heart of all this is THE DESTROYER

ALL MIRROR PEOPLE ARE STRONGLY AWARE OF THE SYSTEM AND HAVE TOTAL POWERFUL INTEGRITY. "TAKE NO SHIT" BUT DEEPLY COMPASSIONATE. (reminds us of triple a little???)
jamie is pure motivation, but real about it
this girl is "tell it like it is" and determined to spread awareness so things change. not violent.
triple is NOT a mirror person,
her vibe is blurring hard even pinging her writing this??? with two other people? FEEL THIS OUT
TRIPLE DOESN'T THINK OF OTHER PEOPLE AS DIRECTLY AS MIRROR VOICES DO.
triple "says what no one else will admit" and she's ANGRY about it. but only comes out actuvely, in response TO a hiding of something that HURTS.
(^THAT NAME ISN'T FITTING HER WELL??)

- much later, mirror girl taking us to bathroom to get dressed and SPICE came up alongside her; they are SUPER SIMILAR almost like sisters??? but unmistakably different even so.
someone else fronting with them too? talking TO mirror, worried. NOT "THROUGH" it like an actual mirror nousfoni would!!

Jessica called LAURIE while drying dishes. Told her EVERYTHING.
laurie sobbing in rage about this. then SHOUTING for tiger lily. looking for a "social protector"
GOT HER OUT BRIEFLY but she couldnt stay???
where is the cerise protector??
(she says "i'm here" but she's still mostly faceless and totally nameless. says she's figuring out what her new role is, now that we're not in a trauma environment)
Laurie took the garbage bags out
SOMEONE HYPERRELIGIOUS came out by the tree briefly, condemning? i think a jay stepped in briefly to tell them not to be so caustic before laurie came back.
laurie asking who even wanted the food? like the ham, and the pie, who liked it? got NO RESPONSE. Actual disgust, cringing at thought of food. the response was DISLIKE!!
Realizing the people responsible for the actual eating have SMOTHERED CONSCIENCES. the idea of someone else "owning" a food item causes a "blind response" in them. they CANT fathom it for their function. the thought when eating the trail mix, "this belongs to mason, this isn't yours," caused them to mentally BLACK OUT because they cant comprehend/tolerate the guilt response? or CANT STOP? like if they admitted that theyd have to stop eating, and they cant for some reason????? their function is TO eat so it'd be denying Why they're out???? FIGURE THIS OUT. i dont even think they Want the food, it feels like a total compulsion. programming. they're vaguely Aware of guilt and shame but don't quite Feel it. everything distant, conceptualized. even while they eat. sort of "clear muffle" over everything, like two feet of gel or plastic. WEIRD AND FOREBODING.
wreckage coming out on the way back in from outside, hearing people arguing in another apartment. she and laurie briefly cofronting almost, slight level difference. but close, next to each other. rubbing elbows almost. wordless close recognizion of each other. "i'm here for you"
back inside, laurie wanting to tell mason and ollie everything about this problem. fess up, admit helpless angry scared frustration, inability to stop or control ourself. terrified at this, but NEED to admit it to prevent it in the future. considering going to mcdonalds or ihop all night when the arrows work, to flat-out prevent any and all such behavior. wanting this in any case, i think the isolation is Causing a lot of this trouble? messes BAD with our perception of reality. can't fathom anyone or anything BUT the current social person existing. (THIS NEEDS TO BE LOOKED AT AND WRITTEN ABOUT.)
at computer, laurie having unexpected feelings towards kris' picture on the lamp? she's fiercely fond of him. deep camaraderie bond, but also a sort of burning platonic love. like a weapon heated glowing hot. knuckles white clenched holding it to defend someone. very devoted.

WEIRDLY, THE SLIGHTEST VARIATIONS ON THE DEADNAME CALL DIFFERENT PEOPLE OUT.
the full deadname is tied to THIS girl, the good one.
SEEING IT IN TEXT CALLS OUT SOMEONE DIFFERENT????
context appears to be HUGE for this

briar out RIGHT NOW feeling panic at tasting food in our mouth? scared as shit.
good. more of us need to ACTIVELY FUCKING REALIZE what this is doing to our godforsaken body.
- someone ELSE triggered by smell of food on hands. briar ALONGSIDE them. neither aware of each other???? (!!!)

jewel says GO BRUSH OUR TEETH so we can relax!!
jessica agrees, go get it done so we can actually get back to living!
(jess is OLDER than jewel! maybe 15, 16? not 17. DOESN'T KNOW QLOK. might not even BE tied to school?????? possible for nousfoni to be older but NOT HAVE MEMORIES OF LIFE DURING THAT AGE IN THE BODY. e.g. a "16 year old" nousfoni not knowing anything about what happened when we were in high school. or an 18 year old nousfoni not knowing anything about holding a job.)

someone wanting to eat vitamins and melatonin gummies, not out of hunger, but out of panicked compulsion.
THE BLUE GIRL?
laurie yelling at them for this. that person DOESNT QUITE FRONT? just comes in "sideways halfway" and has the body do things, SO THEY DONT FEEL THE EFFECTS OR CONSEQUENCES!!!!
the one who eats is NOT HER.

now, someone JUST came out TO eat the vitamins, scared and nervous but they WANTED THEM. happy to eat them actually. feels brown? long hair. wanting to eat more but not really understanding concept of "food?"
feelng like THEIR daemon might be that big taurus thing.
cake's girl is younger, not nervous. not rebellious.
rupture's girl only comes out with the intent to binge and purge.

weirdly, that vitamin-eater person (those two? blue and brown: concept and carry-out) are more concerned with eating MEDICINE than food???? always looking for vitamins, pills, mints, etc. health panic obsessed. subtype of lotophagoi???

(Is Hoban still around? her vibe was always vague, she was kind of defined secondhand. feel her out and see if her anchor is split or wrong or if she's fading or splitting herself.)

Another huge thought:
So many of us are HUGELY CONTEXT-LOCKED.
We noticed this today, wondering why the heck NO ONE gets triggered out in the kitchen anymore? Why it's so hard to find Jason and Juniper and Taureia and anyone?
It's because the ENVIRONMENT CHANGED.
The fairy lights don't trigger anyone. The stove light DOES. It's a trauma flashbacker. So are those little string lights over the stove, due to past association. And, total darkness triggers out a totally different bunch!
Similarly, sitting at the table to eat triggers out certain people, whereas eating in the kitchen triggers out others, and eating on the floor triggers out still others. The couch is by FAR the safest place, and the kitchen itself is utter terror by default. No eating in there ever, please-- ideally, at least, because we tend to stress-blackout in there and then trauma loops happen. That is the most terrible part of PTSD and we need to plan for it better.
We are SO HYPERSPECIFIC this is not surprising but we still somehow completely missed it.
MAKE A LIST OF THIS STUFF so we can use it to our healing advantage!!!

ORANGE IS CORRUPTED
laurie asking for data on bathroom convo, lynne snidely saying she "should know"; laurie turned and called her out on this, she BLUESCREENED???? froze. everything stuck for a second then laurie got warped to GRAYSPACE???? lynne there, floaty, disoriented? said that wasn't her, she wasn't angry. asked what was going on.
corrupted orange is ANGRY. feeling of jovial dude in a bar who suddenly snaps. fiery, but energetic. NOT the apocalyptic burn of red anger. orange has motion behind it, and voice. red is quiet and violent. orange is angry and pushy? energized? can't find a word. armed? no, that's vermilion. orange isn't a "life threatening fear" response. it's more of a panic scare. the closer you get to yellow, the tighter the nerves get. yellow anger is shrieking screaming wildcat anger. someone "yell"-ing at you, all electric sharp. but no attacking! yellow anger might shove or slap you but that's all. orange anger will push you around, all heavy weight but animated. vermilion anger will throw a punch, a hard blow and colder fire behind it, not much talk. red anger will wordlessly bury a knife in your chest on a dime. WAIT. NO. THAT'S BLOOD. it's darker!! RED anger, javier's color, is INTEGROUS. dude that shows that there are "benevolent and malevolent" sides of color angers! corrupted Red anger is... nothing. there's nothing. if it's pure Red, it's PURE. it;s angry because it SHOULD be. it demands you clean up your act, and tells you how. it feels like a city skyline, like an activist. it knows what it's talking about. active and informed. dark red, blood anger... that ISNT INHERENTLY CORRUPT. that's the sort of anger that will call you out on what you did wrong, but in a pointed way. it stabs right to the heart of the issue. but it won't attack you. no good anger will. gosh this is SO IMPORTANT.
so. corrupted orange is arrogant but not proud? no, not arrogant. corrupted YELLOW is more like that? actually, corrupted AMBER is haughty and proud. like a lion. puffed up, like a prince. amber is a luxurious color so it makes sense. yellow is brighter, the brightest, so corrupted yellow is less warm and more sharp? conceited? but not acrid, that's chartreuse. acid is green hued. yellow is manic almost? condemning? high strung.
anyhow. orange. corrupted orange is the "i'm being a nice guy!" but he's really being threatening. that's orange. could easily lean vermilion, but orange is less malevolent. not as dark. orange is closer to the self-absorption of amber, but it's still directed outwards. orange is healthily sociable, so corrupted orange takes that and twists it? it's hard to put into words. but yeah. lynne, when damaged by it, gets a very biting sense of bad humor, gets rather "smart"? ALWAYS making jokes at the expense of others. that's the main thing. humor as a mask for straight-up trash talk.

we TRIED to ping Karissa when at the mirror and we got NOTHING. that was scary for a second. HOWEVER! then we realized that we were pinging the WRONG LEVEL???? APPARENTLY THIS IS A THING?
we had to ping her in a VIRTUAL ENVIRONMENT. midspace = dreamspace analogous i think. karissa is NOT PINGABLE UPSTAIRS. but imagine the old pennsylvania bedroom, and she is IMMEDIATELY there and fiercely alive.
karissa is a DOWNSTAIRS PROTECTOR, fighting off the weirdest threat we could have imagined-- ghosters. as in, childhood psychosis attackers. legit seeing demons and devils in the room, "sensing" evil, etc. we still get that when we're really unstable. like when we redid that bedroom to put up that desk, which is what triggered her birth in the first place. so she exists for that.
and that is a VITALLY IMPORTANT PIECE OF INFO: there are MANY nousfoni in this system with hyperspecific but vital jobs that don't happen often, and so they run a risk of DYING if they don't get to live, so to speak. THEREFORE WE HAVE TO UTILIZE "HOLOSPACE" AND/OR DREAMSPACE TO LET THEM DO THEIR JOBS ON THE INSIDE, if outside instigation of those jobs would be lethal or otherwise majorly harmful. like tonight. however sometimes that's required. we couldn't possibly imagine or emulate this night inside. but it had to happen. it's too organic. life is too organic. but yeah, sometimes we Can do the inside boost and when we can we NEED TO. so keep a note of that.
in any case, this would bolster the inter-level communication we are desperately working towards. socials who have no comprehension of "inside," or even the ability to comprehend it, could LEARN it by being brought into emulated "outside situations" that are really happening inside, and then eased out of it OR letting inside folks enter those spaces to meet them. THAT'S HOW WE USED TO WORK AND I DON'T KNOW WHY WE STOPPED? maybe just daily life terror overload, forcing us to stay in survival/ social mode more often. but hey, that's the stuff we're fixing now that we're safe!
but it has to surface first. only then can you remove it. it's scary, of course, but what's even scarier is letting that shit go unseen and rotting on the inside. it's like cancer.

...
our body is actually hungry again and we hate this because we have no appetite. the thought of eating makes us nauseous. we have no desire to do so, at all. especially not at this hour.
OH i forgot to mention earlier. with big dinner triggers and the destroyer.
certain foods are SUCH TRAUMA TRIGGERS that the destroyer exists to GET RID OF THEM. it's awful but it is true. we Want to be able to leave them untouched, because they're NOT OURS, but that very concept is still alien to our brain. god knows why. our poor brain sees a trigger food and thinks immediately "i must get rid of it" because it's that shaken up by seeing it. immediate flashbacks, immediate sensory rewind. time lapses, time slides. it's horrible that something as ridiculously simple as a canned item can knock you totally off kilter and into abused-kid mentality.
there's a lot tangled up in that, especially methods-- some kids destroy food outright, some throw it out, some eat it, some eat and purge, etc. all of them acting those ways based on the situations they had to survive in previously. all of them desperately scared and lost and confused and not know where or when they are, let alone what the hell they're doing. they all dissociate so hard because they're so scared. but they're reachable, now. they're opening up and realizing that, now. they're healing and being brave and trying and feeling even if they're fucking terrified. not so in september, good god now THAT was hell. lord. but that's over, forever. a lapse is just a stumble, due to overwhelm. it happens, mental illness is hellish in and of itself. but we get back up and keep walking. a slip isn't a rewind. we're here now, with our progress and understanding under our belt, and we use that to leap forwards even farther when we're pulled back.
nights like this are slingshots.
but yeah. we feel awful, AWFUL, because trigger foods are cheap! starving kids eat on pennies and go to food drives and when you're Still grappling with finances that stuff ends up back in the apartment and then you don't know what fucking year it is or what state you're in or what your name is or whether or not you're going to die, metaphorically only i hope! it fucking SUCKS because these beloved kids that we love so damn much it HURTS eat and enjoy these foods no problem, and God we WANT to just let them LIVE, let them be free and untraumatized, but god we're so damned fucking hurt that we struggle. we hate it. we feel like such a burden. we ARE a burden. that's the truth, with this. we're a difficulty, a monkey wrench, an unexpected trial. a frustration. and it's true. and it's unfair to them. and we're sorry. but we can't apologize and keep fucking the hell up. we need to try a hell of a lot fucking harder.
we KNOW that shit makes us sick so WHY do we still et that shit???
because that knowledge doesn't register for them. their minds are so damaged, we still haven't fully felt out Why they can't comprehend that sort of self-care data.
...maybe that's why. maybe self-care is alien to someone who lives in a trauma flashback.
...maybe.

but yeah. i want to list the trigger foods but someone says "no, don't clutter up this entry" and she's brown and angry? not choco's jess, maybe the "don't read" one from before? she's way up, almost floating voice space? but she's all about "social performance" and approval, and "clogging up this entry" is judged by her to be "inappropriate" somehow? like "it's not proper" but THAT pings someone ELSE. someone religious feeling? fears of not being totally nice and proper and a "good girl." maybe tilly. hm!
but no i think we should list them or we will forget to. i know it's scary but we have to! we'll do it together ok

- canned beans. all we had to eat for a while in pa. make our stomach so so sick. also heavy weight food, immediate trauma flashback trigger. yes heavy foods feel like the rape triggers. can i say that? "julie days." but that's unfair she didn't do it. she says she wasn't herself once. oh ok. i'm sorry julie. she says it's ok, it's the truth. so no beans
- canned food in general. again, that's ALL we had at the house most days, in pennsylvania. just shelves full of old expired rusty banged-up cans. the same things over and over and over, day after day, eaten at night under buzzing yellow lights, or hidden in the cellar. every one of those foods is a trigger:
canned corn, canned soup, spaghettios, ravioli, cranberry sauce, canned carrots (taste is a HUGE trigger), etc.
there are also BAD MEMORIES tied to ALL of those which we cannot look at rght now we start shaking. they're triggering young kids like me!! we don't know them though? are they new? are they all new? no they're old. we've just never seen them before. they've been asleep for a long time because no one's woken them up. but we just did! we looke for them and they're awake now. and they're probably really scared and don't know where they are but we'll protect them. we can be their friends. we'll keep them safe now.
but the immediate fear is exactly what we're typing about. "how can we be safe now if those unsafe things are STILL THERE." no differentiation between thing and associated event. they are one and the same to a trauma survivor. at least, to us. to those hurt nousfoni, scared and shaking, the very sight of a can of soup throws them right back into the situation they wanted to die to get out of. their brain was shaken to the core and it keeps getting yanked back. so we struggle.
it's not fair. we wonder, daily, if we should find somewhere else to go, if we should leave, but we DONT WANT TO. we love it here, we love the people, we want to STAY, we want to heal so we CAN stay. our feelings of "we don't belong" and "maybe we should just go" are NOT OUR REAL MOTIVES. they are the "safe, acceptable" way of saying "i am so fucking sorry we are making your lives difficult; we are drowning in love-rooted guilt and regret and we don't want to hurt you anymore, but we don't know how to stop yet. we're still healing. but we cannot put you through this messy process anymore. THAT is making us feel like we don't belong-- we are disturbing the peace, we aren't fitting in with you both yet, into that harmony. our own actions are alienating us, our own shame and guilt are isolating us. THAT is what doesn't belong but right now we are identifying with it, for better or for worse, from how horribly strong it is. and we don't want to leave, we love you so much, but again we feel so DIRTY and disgusting and (there's axis) foolish and embarrassing, that we feel so unworthy TO stay. we're afraid of hurting you, of you beginning to hate us or be frustrated with our presence, we are so scared of you both expecting the worst of us. so we would rather leave than see these relationships rot by our hand. by our fungal touch.
axis just GLARED at me for that i have never seen him angry i'm sorry.
his reply isn't translating well
effectively: "don't be sorry" in the "you're not being blamed or condemned" sense. the strong powerful insistence of "you will not rot anything by touch. fungus is life out of death" and "rot is decomposition" with a spindly mushroomed finger pointing at this absolute artistically tangled web of data, of feeling, "decomposition is breaking down into simpler things," into essential elements, "if anything rots it is simply beginning again from a simpler state" or something? taphos. taphonomy. "decomposition begins at the moment of death." heart-deep feelings about this topic. if it's not working, why not let it die? if it is a fatal illness, a fatal wound, a mortal injury, why not let it fall embraced (back) into the arms of death? why not let death breathe life into it again? god okay that's what we're doing. chocoloco's girl is responding to this??? not as her heart, no. but as a sister to the other one. where is chocoloco. what do you have to say
"decay is not my topic" he says. "it is his. let him speak"
what is your topic though
sorry
axis keep talking.
a slight smile, smirk, "what more do you need me to say?"
anything everything anything you want
"i want you to feel what i said and what you know it means" "tell me"
what you meant
"what your heart heard."
well
if we're bungling up this relationship (allegedly) with our mistakes, with-- oh
with our own process of decay
the nigredo
THAT'S infi
that's even more important
what am i doing with the spacebar i'm sorry
hey i don't have a name yet
hey i'm not simeon! i'm a girl, no, i use she pronouns, maybe?
i'm not a boy. leaning the other direction
sorry slipping bye
no not yet he says
finish.
okay.
if we are afraid of rotting this relatioship by touching it we are projecting the wrong sentinemt onto our fear. if it rots it means that it died which means that it had reached a point where it could not continue healthily. so death is merciful and progressive and otivated by hope, by love and hope. now it decays, now it rots back into the world, now it feeds the insects (what about our insects what about them) i'm thinking too much
simple he says, simple. what is the essence of it
if it dies it was unhealthy. if it rots then
rot it just the process of recycling
a dead body, a dead thing feeds other alive things, feeds new things
a dead thing will seem to stop life around it for a bit but in time it will bloom greater than ever
in short,
we're not going to kill anything
fungus is good
he smiled at me.
and?
IS it rotting?
how can i tell.
look, he says.
but there's more to that "look"
he means,
there's always rot. there's always death. it means things are growing. it means things are changing. it means what doesn't work anymore is passing away and reworking itself into other things that do.
am i thinking too much
you're trying too hard to encapsulate it in language, he says. speak simply, speak from your heart. you will not rot in whole unless it stops beating. and it will not. he says.
tiny deaths happen all the time. fungus grows on your bones. but you are alive, we are alive, i am alive
i am sorry i hurt people
then let it rot, he says. let it rot.

where were we oh my goodness
trigger foods! a list.
NOW the rabbit speaks up
"chocolate" he says, and points ominously, authoritatively. not menacing, just gravity
"write it down."

- chocolate. in all its forms? (look at the data. yes.) oldest trigger food in the book. tied to sexual trauma, femininity fears, bad memories, massive health scares and pain. but touted constantly as a "comfort food," as an aphrodisiac, as something sacred, as a celebratory food, as a staple part of christmas and easter and valentines day. it was something we could not ever avoid, something added to things to make them more palatable, more enjoyable, but we couldn't eat it. it was everywhere, stores dedicated to it, grand gestures surrounded by it, given as gifts, expected to be received. people react with shock when you say you don't like chocolate. alienation, bizarrely. but it happens. it has. it does. we feel guilty, rejected, isolated, unwanted, unloved, all over again. "chocolate brings people together" just like awful family dinners and shit (please don't swear) (sorry i'm just angry too and hurting) but yes chocolate is something we could not have safely. no. we tried so many times. we love it as it is. but our body cannot have it. we love it but we don't like it? is that true or possible?
YOU DON'T LIKE THE TASTE, he says. SOMEONE DOES.
a pause, a breakdown of coherence upstairs
THIS TOPIC IS TOO TANGLED, he says, looking up. IT WILL HAVE TO BE UNTANGLED BEFORE IT CAN BE DISCUSSED. I AM BEING SILENCED, WHICH MEANS THERE IS GREAT FEAR HERE. GOOD. THAT IS A SIGNPOST FOR GREAT (???) (translating as growth, realization, progress, understanding, etc. good things. all from fear? i guess that's what daemons are/ are for/ are about/ are from)

other trigger foods
- WHITE FLOUR and all that goes with it. cake,
(what about her?????? no one has EVER thought about her i wonder if we can learn more about her now with what happened tonight? i hope so)
NOT NOW. SHE IS TOO IMPORTANT TO TREAT (flippantly/ nonchalantly/ casually/ in passing/ without enough attention/ as a study topic and not a person/ lightly). ALL OF US ARE. ALL OF YOU ARE. FOCUS.
white bread, crackers, cookies, etc. again, a staple food. something we were forced to eat a lot. something given as gifts, again. birthday and wedding cakes. christmas and easter cookies. sandwiches. party foods. god you SEE why this is a struggle for us??? our body CANNOT DO THESE THINGS WITHOUT GETTING SICK
is it because of the trauma or did it result from the trauma?
which came first, the chicken or the egg
god only knows.
don't worry about that right now we're tired. we can't give it enough attention right now. make the list

- dairy products. HUGE femininity fear trigger. sexual. makes us feel super dirty, infantile. infantilization is one of the biggest sexual trauma triggers possible. we've never written about that. add it to the list
also we are lactose intolerant so we absolutely cannot have it anyway our stomach CANNOT digest it that is a PHYSIOLOGICAL FACT.

- canned tuna. WARM especially. very thought makes us shake, want to vomit.
- NOODLES. sexual fear + trauma memories + trypophobia remnants
- HOT DOGS, especially with beans. MASSIVE immediate screaming runaway trauma response
- red sauce. realized at upmc big time. always was tough-- our stomach Hates tomato sauce, it causes SEVERE PAIN but when in treatment we realized it was also a BIG TRAUMA TRIGGER. iscah could do it, she didn't know. didn't experience. but her beloved jessie knew. and those of Us who experienced similar things also knew. and we had that suddenly revealed, something we were hiding from, running from, so now it is a double danger
- lunchmeat. family terror, blackout response, leave it at that
- nut butters
- klondike bars
- energy bars in general, esp. oily ones. AND GRANOLA. BAD BAD BAD and FRIGHTENING. please don't eat it
- grains in general, cooked ones, especially OATS and QUINOA. sad because oats are also ALLEGEDLY a good memory food, but no. only a hoped association. they are primarily tied to VERY VERY TRAUMATIC INCIDENTS and also salt lake city so please pleaseplease do not eat them. someone really really wants them though, but when they try the terror is immediate and choking. not safe yet i'm sorry. maybe get iscah to help, she ate it all the time at upmc. we'll see we'll figure that out later
- CEREAL. the original trigger food. aftertaste is literal hell. flashbacks and panic for as long as it lasts. cereal is 1000% NEVER BUY and we are so so fucking sorry we're scared of having it in the house.
god we are so goddamned broken
wht do we do?
TELL THEM. WORK WITH THEM. KEEP YOURSELF SAFE. BUT RESPECT THEM TOO.

they're saying it's super late? super early?
6:20 am oh!! the arrows will be home soon!
good i want tomeet them!
i don't know if we know how yet? we only ever type.
but we can figure out how!!
ok! we'll ask infi to show us how.

this is the autopilot. i am smiling. i think i have more of a soul than i ever thought, still.
i feel like the toy soldier, perhaps.
i must thank javier. thank you.

closing this up

all of you are very brave and i am proud of you
i may not feel that but i know it is true.

sleep well today. take care of us. we love you. we love each other

this is proof

(a.p.)

1002 mon 11:08 pm

went to the bank.
reading "do androids dream of electric sheep"
oliver worked.
couldn't stay awake, too depressed and tired.
went to bed at like 2am?

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1003 tues 11:08 pm

BULIMIA MIRRORS SEXUAL TRAUMA= ONLY SAFE AFTER THE INITIAL SURGE HACK IS OVER!!! THIS IS WHY WE FEEL FEARFULLY OBLIGATED TO PURGE THE FIRST THINGS WE EAT!

"bulimia mirrors sexual trauma" note. what triggered this??

oliver worked.
stayed up all night archiving 2011.
finished going through spotify!

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1004 wed 11:08 pm

jimmy johns. sandwiches. always enjoy them.
iscah fronted! ate all the cheese, no fear at all. god bless her

went to "the last word" bookstore. AWESOME.
saw deltora quest, animorphs, serendipity books, etc.
they also had sonic colors and sonic:tdb for ds. strongly considered getting them.
bought childhood fave vhs tapes, and a happiness journal

watched "faraway so close". HUGE impact on us.
"why can't i be good"
infi ghosting and cofronting to watch it; actually fronted at one point while we were eating and ended up eating a mushroom. hilariously shamelessly fitting that THAT'S the first earth-food ze's had. (eating hearts doesn't count; ze already does that upstairs) ze didn't mind, thought it was an incredibly interesting experience.

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1005 thurs 07:53 pm

"Healing is a conscious effort."

#quote #this is hugely important #system healing #nothing truly good comes into our lives without pain #but pain too can be sweet #death too can be sweet #and true healing requires both #actively and consciously #we adore this aspect of our collective life #to be conscious of something makes it real #and that can be utterly terrifying #but once it is real you can touch it #and to touch is to brush life against life #revealing wordless doubtless truth #this is what we live for

07:57 pm

"For all the universes there are, this one was not enough, not for now, not for us. Somewhere in another, though. We are softer, we are kinder. To our skin, to each other."

-In that there that isn’t here, I allow myself to love you

#oh #this makes my heart ache in the way that matters #poetry #hope #for all our damaged fronters #and for all the other social rooted alters who think they own the place #our universe perpetually embraces yours #and our doors are forever open #come meet us #come join us #this is a softer loving reality and you are welcome here #let yourselves let go of the pain of that old universe #and fall gratefully into the arms of ours

11:08 pm

watching the food show while cooking and cleaning. oddly soothing bkg noise.
trauma dumping after seeing the pure beauty of japan winter woodlands.
jewel SOBBING. "wild thing" feelings. beast among men. unicorns.
needed to go to the park or something, just be outside.
band practice.
someone stole a lot of KND bars, and condiments.
got home, ate them all, got AWFULLY sick.
watched Dogma.
stayed up late?

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1006 fri 11:08 pm

hack nightmares. felt horrible upon waking. totally disconnected from sense of self.
grocery run in the morning. felt awfully guilty?
thought food from last night was spoiled but it was actually bad hot sauce taste
ended up throwing it all out anyway. got really mad and depressed over it.
went picking pumpkins!
oliver made dinner. it was amazing.
MASSIVE toxic fallout when we tried to eat bread.
someone tried to RUN AWAY and ollie stopped us on the porch.

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1007 sat 11:12 pm

went out with ollie today.

stopped at asian market. got a final moon cake, red bean buns. also matcha kitkats and seaweed and gingermints. also a kabocha squash! gotta let corvo actually eat some this time.

went uptown!
EVERYTHING WAS FOGGY AND AUTUMNY IT WAS HEAVEN. felt like our heart. like central city. utterly beloved.
kyo color taxi, kris/laurie umbrella pose, blue-realm lights, fancy bakery with macarons and suit dude, filigree chairs, trombone/drums street performers, lynne's "all star" joke, fashionable pretty people and tiny disney princesses everywhere.

stopped at a sushi place. talked to OWEN! felt his color immediately. like heavy smoke. soft but so dark.

the graveyard.
talking about sky burials and reincarnation. felt so alive among all the death. deeply happy oddly.
kissed right there on the sidewalk, felt like the most joyously-paradoxically fitting thing in the world

heavily panicky and dissociated on the ride home? why?
i vaguely remember someone eating the redbean buns but i dont know who. i know jewel Tried to but was pushed out. not healthy behavior at all.

cannot remember a thing once we got home. i think it was a rough night. have to ask oliver.
i'm so sad that we've been so off kilter and full of guilt/shame lately. why?
i guess it's at least something to learn from. heal from. grow. be better.

i know we went to bed early too.
good mood though. everything is always perfect at the end of the day. we never go to bed sad or upset. its impossible, being there with oliver and mason, everyone sleeping in the moonlight, warm and safe and quiet and worth everything it took to be here now.

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1009 mon 11:59 pm

oliver worked.

didnt sleep? went to food lion.
TRIED a few "new" foods for possible future use. no can do.
energy bars, pumpkin oatmeal, nuts.
and you know what? that's all LUXURY FOOD. it SHOULDNT be a staple in our diet anyway!!

woke up super late.
talked LEAGUEWORLDS!!

we made way too much rice & vegs, remember? BUT we tried super hard to eat them safely and succeeded almost flawlessly.
sitting and munching on seaweed and just letting our brain think about leagueworlds.

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1010 tues 11:59 pm

INFI FINALLY FRONTED in the morning. it's been too long.
oskar kissed me.
wanting to kiss EVERYONE in their system. imagining that. in tears.

flawless breakfast. thank god.

went to amelies.
spiced cherry & smores macarons, autumn spice tea.
talked to oskar!!
lynne fronted for MOST of the time.
tons of color realm brainstorming. do our hues adhere to the dream world trio format???
harbor blue vibes at dusk? scary time. but CORVO IS OK WITH IT
made the mistake of buying desserts to take home. can't eat in the car or it becomes panic.

mason made food for ollie, we accidentally ate it, huge guilt response
made more for mason, he said it was delicious

aywas night. too exhausted mentally to do much else.
also tumblr reblogs! went through our drafts. good stuff.
taking that push to do things even when tired (like typing now) ALWAYS pays off.

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1011 wed

12:03 am

#sky realms #aqua-sky intersection #realm intersections #sky-underground intersection #i'm wondering if ALL the color realms open into the underground at some point? #THAT'S an interesting thought

12:05 am

"Which of my feelings are real? Which of the me’s is me?"

In one way or another, any and all of them are. The potential is ever-present, ever-realized in that paradox of choice.

12:07 am

#heartspace #the earliest jewel-cores always create places like this #verdant and limitless and wild and beautiful #completely empty of people #green #rain #trees

12:11 am

"Excerpt from a book I’m currently reading, from a chapter on the very serious art of necromancy. "and sure, you could probably pursue success without a skeleton army, but where is the fun in that?""

#lime jewelcore #oh heavens this is 100% her #injokes #undead whistling boneless chickens #ironically #she says their skeletons are a separate army #welp #now she's thinking #what have we done

12:13 am

"life is suffering. it is hard. the world is cursed. but still, you find reasons to keep living."

#sheer love-driven determination #because we don't ever give up on each other #life is so worth living #in and of itself #suffering and all #after all look at what we were born from #the simple fact of our existences transmutes that very alleged curse into the deepest blessing #and that alone is reason to cherish this life we have no matter what #princess mononoke

12:18 am

#gif #cannon #before she splintered #notably those utility blades good lord #we can still FEEL this person in memory #but that feeling is hopelessly fractured #it's obvious that that person is not a single person anymore #nge #this episode haunts us to this day

12:40 am

"It’s quite an undertaking to start loving somebody. You have to have energy, generosity, blindness. There is even a moment right at the start where you have to jump across an abyss: if you think about it you don’t do it."

#quote #love #this is so important #for all our isolating socials #for all our damaged fronters #jump #we will catch you #and we need to jump too #everyone just jump for heavens sakes or we'll never learn to fly

12:47 am

“He often weeps because he can’t find the strength to love beyond fear.”

#quote #for all our isolating socials #for all our damaged fronters #oh you precious things #you have the strength #if you keep looking for it thinking it is a lost thing it will remain so #take a deep breath and try your d***dest to just BE strong #even for a millisecond #i guarantee you #you will #if only for a millisecond #but that is enough #mustard seeds are still seeds #and virtue is not measured as such #it is as it is #and if you have it #you have it #tiny or not it is an infinite thing #and you do have it #i can feel it in you #i have faith in you #the size of the entire sky #the same sky held in your own heart #and nestled in that tiny seed #i promise you this #one day soon your weeping will be from profound relieved joy #believe this with all the hope you can muster #and i swear to you #every one of us will help you make it a reality #and remember

12:48 am

“Song will take us by the hand And lead us back to light.”

#quote #music #when in doubt turn on spotify #honestly music is profoundly vital to us #it facilitates healing and shatters deadzones #and of course there's that terrible beautiful truth #if you want to fall in love with someone just set them to music #no matter how dark life may get #song will indeed lead us right back to the light #instantly and honestly #we know this #please utilize it

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1011 love 03:08 am

(remembering the first night oliver kissed us. how we wouldnt even admit we were in love, as we couldnt recognize the feeling, and were terrified to even consider the possibility in any case.
now when he kisses us it feels like our mouths fit together. it's the strangest loveliest feeling. everything is effortless and full of such deep soft heavy true simple aching beautiful love.

infi keeps thinking about what their mouth tastes like. how i like it too. how we always have, for everyone, since childhood. how our family shamed us heavily for wanting to kiss people. to touch tongues. to touch at all. to feel heartbeats beneath our fingertips. to hear them, centimeters away from our lips. and all of it staggeringly pure and innocent and aching and ardently knee-shakingly significant even then. childhood desire. what a paradox. what truth. it defines us even now.

how our favorite thing in the world right now is staying up all night until we feel exhausted and hazy and swept up like leaves in the autumn wind, dusk-dawn hues washed over and within our seafaring ribs, as the sun rises and the air brightens... just so we can crawl into bed, with them. safe under simple black and mint covers, with light pouring in slowly behind our heads, wrapped up in their soft warm complete blissful body. hearing them breathe. the scent of their skin. the feeling of their heartbeat against our own. the trust, the silence, the joy. it's the most perfect feeling we can imagine.)

phone notes from today =

Creativity= no expected audience? "Waste of time;" stop own progress
"No mirrors;" no self awareness? Depression.

Missy & the stim jar
What is Bridget doing lately??

Kyanos' halo is braided DRIFTWOOD?
OLIVE BRANCHES??
It's Sterling silver and horizontal?
Zwei= was she a pseudo core??

ATLAS daemon name??

SPICED CHERRY, CINNAMON APPLE TEA= HEALTHY VERMILION!!!!

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101217 06:40 pm

Hey kids, Laurie Uberich here. Got shoved out to front in solidarity with Kristanova here, as today's one hell of an "anniversary" date for us both. Kinda the opposite of a birthday.

Not sure how long it's been for him, but... for me, it's been 7 years since I... got this particular scar across my larynx. Seven entire fucking years. God damn.

Tell you what, though. As hellish as the memory is, the fact and reason why I survived is not. And that's what I've really gotta focus on today. That's the reason why I still wear this scar with fiercely aware gratitude. I'm alive because love is stronger than death.

Cheesy? Maybe, but who cares. The truth doesn't care about that. Neither so I. What matters is that it's true, and I'll defend that truth with every breath and every heartbeat I've got left in this life. Hell, it's the least I can do in return. And really? I wouldn't have it any other way.

To our whole damn System, friends and freaks and foes and forlorn, every last one of you-- I fucking love you. With everything I've got in me. That'll never change.

Kris, again, not sure what your side of the story is, but I'll tell you one thing-- we are all seriously glad you're still around, too. Edges and all. We love you too, y'know. So do all of yours. And that's genuine love, man. No matter what, it ain't leavin', and neither are we. Don't forget that.

Here's to being alive.

-L.U.

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07:57 pm

#harbor blue realms #this is a TERRIFYING vibe for us #which is why we thank god that this color now exists in our spectrum #that means that now it can he healed #now it can be loved for exactly what it is #system healing #harbor blue #color realms #realm vibes

1012 thurs 11:59 pm

band day.

picked up mason

someone stole mints and energy bars from the school again. that bleached white kid who can't understand that it BELONGS TO OTHER PEOPLE.
that person is working in scavenger mode, trying not to "starve," AND trying to "feel like part of humanity" by touching peoples lives in this way. in passing, unseen and unheard and undetected. but desperate to feel included.

went to jack in the box all together, actually ate a FULL MEAL and wasnt scared or anything. it was wonderful.

purposely unloaded the mints in front of ollie. wanted to get caught.
confessed EVERYTHING.
i cannot remember the conversation at all. i dont know who spoke, or about what.
but oliver said it was terrifying, how suicidal and depressed and numb and blind they were

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101317 fri 11:59 pm

josephina's BIRTHDAY!! i know he fronted in the morning, when we were in bed. talked to oliver.

wore his outfit today! sequin skull top, skull flower shorts, bokeh leggings, yellow shades. only thing missing were his trademark jingle bell earrings because we don't own any.
also found and wore our beloved gold FISH NECKLACE from christmas about 15 years ago, if not more. i remember it was in a tiny box at the bottom of our stocking, when we were standing next to the tree (which was where ranndall's desk is now). it's also one of the ONLY actual "christmas present" memories we have at all, which is bizarre as we ADORE that holiday, but which makes sense because our mother always made christmas day a scripted filmed performance, and that = instant heavy dissociation and toxic socializing. ah well. can't complain. we had boss trees and we got some good presents over the years, like that necklace!
honestly we love that little fishy fish. we're going to wear him all the time now.

went to the witchy shop!
candles, altars, bat skeletons, gemstones, candles, oils, tarot decks, skulls, ouija boards, taxidermied butterflies, skulls made of sugar, the HEART VASE, etc. amazing place.
rio was out for a bit! totally enamored. "why didnt you call me out here sooner!" not mad, just wanted to see more of the place. we'll definitely go back one day, let him have a grand old time with his daemon. (it's a date)
left our old unicorn-bookmark ribbon on the community altar for sister symphorose. very significant gift-sacrifice. felt right.
we bought a "motivation" candle that was almost knife's color and smelled like me. same kind they sell at e.n., but a massively larger selection. good stuff.
oliver was showing us gemstones that had relevance to their system, like smoky quartz for owen. one of them was trolley resonant? i forget which, i apologize. and of course ollie himself resonates with labradorite, that gorgeous iridescent stone. i love that.

also went to the nearby game store, THEY HAVE VIRTUAL ON!!!!! also NiGHTS and the baten kaitos sequel and zone of enders and MEWTWO PLUSHIES. gosh it was awesome. games are so good.
also we adore watching and listening to oliver talk about games, especially n64 stuff as we never had one but it's his fave. man we just love being a part of his life now in every way.

the DOOR TO NOWHERE!
seriously we went walking past the game store and there was this storefront with blacked out windows, but when we walked around behind it there was NOTHING. just an empty lot, nothing but grass, and that door. we walked across it and walked through the door back out onto the sidewalk. it felt utterly unreal, like legit headspace. the grass under our feet felt like a dream, like dreams do for us-- wide awake and more real than the waking. it was amazing.
i know jewel fronted almost instinctively as soon as we set foot in that lot. that's her element, after all. endless adventure and wandering. the great infinitely undiscovered world. that's her, always.

did we stop somewhere to eat today? i can't recall. i don't remember eating at all today but i know we did.

anyway we set up the porch altar when we got home! it's gorgeous. we put our musical spheres on it, plus our catholic-pagan things, aha. blessed oil and impossible frankincense and studded crosses and legit thurible incense & myrrh. also some headspace things, like infinitii's salt bubble necklace, chaos' 2011 heart charm, the nosebleed bell, cupid's heart earring, etc. also our christmas candles even though it's almost samhain. it just feels fantastic. i love the whole concept of altars; we miss having one too. oliver lit a blue candle for opening (kyanos vibes!) and we burnt some holy wood, which smells divine.

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1014 sat 12:09 pm

Morning talk
Triple, overload, Josh, blue girl!! unicorn!
Wild thing feeling. Running, woods, can't be games. Ripping off masks. Boyle party comparison. JEWEL CORES
"Who are you, alone? Then BE THAT"
"Not a stuffed animal." CORE DEATH= TOO WHITE!! no teeth or edges. NEED RED/BLACK.
plural vs single. Jayce chokehold. "PLURAL" CORE SHIFT?? everyone, not just one!
Cores vs frontrunners.
Unmet needs? PA vs here. Not belonging there. MAKE A LIST.
reclaiming the words: monster, beast, animal.

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1017 tues 07:47 pm

"Beauty is truth, truth beauty – that is all Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know."

#quote #truth #beauty #system healing #the definition of beauty is such a fascinating topic #its reality is purely intuitive and unquestionable #and thats why we love it #beauty and horror #are not mutually exclusive #we need to type about this

11:59 pm

Absolutely perfect day, God bless.
went to the sprint store, changed our phone number last night and apparently the phone needed to be reset before it would work.
dead gray fox on the side of the road.
2hr salad, while watching The good place. we LOVE that show.
Biscuits! best dinner we've had in AGES, because we all made it together and ate it together. bliss.
Tumblr on our phone. oliver asleep against our legs while mason played the ps4. so in love.
Anatomy coloring book, learning a lot. deep sheer joy at understanding our body more.

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1018 wed = 11:59 pm

Pop tarts. good breakfast, then tried too hard and messed up badly.
really it was all motivated by GUILT. the pop tarts were for mason but "they MADE us eat so many pop tarts at umpc so we HAVE TO keep eating them!!" felt awful about it but "no choice." that is such a toxic mindset, it needs to stop

don't remember the rest of the day

phone note=
COLOR ASSOCIATIONS
Music, flowers, smells, textures, bugs, animals, tastes, styles, etc.

101817 dream

Time travel? Dead. Games in rafters. Flying.
Chelsea, blue? "beacon boy" alter. On diamew hill, talking to her w/ ollie
Watching play/musical in yard? Wolf deer cat bear thing.
Tv musical w/ grandpa, used a digital contraption to get special channel with it. Us trying to find it on spotify. M title, 2 words.
CHIDI and my lotus necklace, Seemed evasively suspicious of the charm? "Dark." Obviously unspoken indication he had spoken to INFI about it, didn't know what to make of it.
I asked "did ze flirt with you"
Confusedly flustered reply of "yes"

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101917 thurs 11:59 pm

Watched season 2 of the good place! amazing so far.
Massive salad.

Band.
Ahrima attempted to steal BUT the rest of us PROMISED we'd stop him. so we did. immediately evaluated motives; shocked to realize that we didn't actually want to steal!! just an old compulsion, miserable.
Massive panic-gratitude reaction.

Problem eating at home? Almost no memory.
we only remember listening to Ollie talk about the owls. treasured that.

Trauma dumping. About what?
Bed at 3. Very happy.

phone note =

To help stabilize!
can't front, name hazy, faceless, etc.

• Kyanos
• Eros
• Amara

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102017 fri =10:16 pm

trauma dumping in the morning. told ollie ALL the SLC stuff we had buried for years.

picked up mason, went shopping at target. good candles.
got sushi. ate tons of broccoli, tried everything.
stopped at harris teeter, got toothpaste and some vegetables. also a cookie for the kids.

Home, fixing phone. Roms.
Tried cooking dinner, blackouts. Panic attacks.
Got VERY sick.

Watching no man's sky. Resting. brain couldnt do anything but watch, no spoons at all. but we adore watching oliver play that game, it was good.

went out on the porch for a while together. barely conscious. i know there was a lot of pain, not sure who fronted or talked? but it ended on good terms. always does. we love them too much. same with ourselves. ultimately, always.

in bed, infi and i there, too tired to full front though.
oliver said something about "i'm still haunted" and infi just flooded with love.

phone notes=

• Yume nikki 0917

RAZOR & INFI CONNECTION????
• Both broke off Cores
• Red & black
• RAZOR TORE HIR OUT

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102117 07:41 pm

aisophiel
brown-haired "angel" evidencing when we look in the mirror. obvious "jayce bloodline" fronter fix attempt?
name immediate. overlay solid, but gauzy. could easily demanifest or solidify, depending on whether or not his anchor solidifies enough during this "embryonic" state.
but he's surprisingly aware even so. keep an eye on him, dont let anyone fade out due to neglect

anteros/ asteros?
"god of requited love" vs star-based similar term? also apparently this dude
possible core names. not sure. neither really "click" to the heart but they are still resonant.

090608 cherie died. keep the date, revere it every year

AHRIMA is the current "blind white" fronter!
REMEMBER THE UDNERGROUNDERS COMMENTARY ON THE INFLUTUSA JOURNAL
we havent re-read that entry in Years and it's about time we did

★ ORIGINAL JAYCE/INFLUTUSA BLOODLINE RESEARCH?????

JAY CORES =
GOLD/ WHITE/ RED CORE COLOR SCHEME?
HAIR VS SKIN VS EYES, ETC.

FROSTED GLASS???
CHRISTMAS GLOW VIBE??

+ "at soup" injoke today
(walking through store, dissociated hard in soup aisle-- too much data. so many cans. laurie shows up, baffled but concerned; "kid are you ok")

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102117 sat 11:59 pm

morning name research.
put old passwords in computer.
shopping. walmart. awfully overwhelming, flashbacky. got produce though.
breakfast was flawless again, thank god.
just barely though? someone tried too hard? feeling like we ate something problematic. minor though.

showing oliver old sketchbook pages, photos.

tried to eat dinner, got horrifically sick. crushing nausea and stomach pain. ended up throwing up, miserable.

listening to old infi's theme ideas, and singing files.
uploading archives.

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102317 mon 10:53 pm

morning in bed,
talking to kris and kyo.

INSANE switching. feeling just how many frontrunners we have, most of them white.
feeling out the subtle vibe shifts, name variances, color harmonies.

trip to food lion and the library.

THUNDERSTORM.
elucidae creeping about again! good. glad he's sticking around, we need him.

baten kaitos!

biscuits for dinner. super good.

miserable, unfortunate binge.
someone tried to make grits/rice/eggs/livermush, but then added beans and we got REALLY sick.

awful depression all night? probably because we "messed up although we tried very hard"
that or eating flour.

took a night off though. just browsed tumblr. it helped a LOT.

phone notes =

WE NO LONGER HAVE "ONE MAIN PERSON" !!!
EVERYBODY RUNS THIS LIFE, NOT JUST THE ASSUMED CORE!

WHITE NAMES=
Adakias
Snowfall
Iridos
Ahrima?
Jayce/ Pinstripe?

PLUS GOLD=
Parahelion

PLUS RED=
Cupid?

PLUS RED & GOLD=
Poinsettia?
Anteros

SPINE IS HUGELY IMPORTANT AND ALWAYS HAS BEEN. GIVE HER MORE LOVE & ATTENTION!!

+"PSEUDO DAEMONS"???
+HEADSPACE SPECIES??
+DEIFIC THINGS, DIVINITY IN GENERAL??
+INNERWORLDBUILDING LIKE HIRAETH!!
+NAME OUR INNER WORLD
+LOTUS=COLLECTIVE HEART

CONTEXT TRANSITIONS
Day to night = outer to inner
Instant with technology.
BLUE???

How to ease transition; prevent jarring mismatch? Day during night dissonance

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

102517 wed 11:59 pm

woke up super late?

went out for sushi with ollie.
quick shopping trip to food lion as we're super low on groceries until the weekend.

don't remember much of today at all, we apologize.

phone notes =

Touching lives. Gold feeling.
Earl grey tea & white chocolate

Jessica bloodline
Iolite & ahrima took the phone call

"HEARTHFIRE"

HEARTSPACE= BOSCOVS LOBBY DOORS
INFINITE WHITE SPACE 2003???
UNDEFINED HOLODECK
LIMITLESS POTENTIAL BUT ONLY WITH A HEART TO REALIZE IT

BLACKSPACE PARALLEL??????

BASILICA & CATHEDRAL REVISITS!!!!
OASIS ROOM?? RAZOR SPIRE?? ETC.??
LEAGUELINK ROOM???

HEARTSPACE VS FLOATSPACE

LEON'S CATHEDRALS????????
WHY IS HE TIED TO HOLY BUILDINGS???
INDIGO POSSIBLE HUGE UNREALIZED RELEVANCE

LEAGUE + HEADSPACE COLOR MEANINGS, OVERLAP?
NAME FOR HEADSPACE!!!!!
PLANET FEELINGS; ALSO DW & COLOR REALMS
CENTRAL SKY VS DW SKY??????

THERE ARE HUGE OVERLOOKED PARALLELS BETWEEN HEADSPACE AND THE DREAM WORLD IN TERMS OF FUNCTION AND PURPOSE!!!!!!!!!!!!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

102617 sun 11:59 pm

terrifically sick in the morning, i remember.
we were so sad because we wanted this to be a church morning but our body was a mess.

virtually NO memory of this day at all

phone notes =

Nebula caves
Organ parallel areas BODY MAP

VERMILION REALMS???? FIRE???
BEETLES????

"PLANE OUT OF PHASE"
Vale of Shadows???
"Cast shadow walk"
Unicorns and druids? DND

PAPER PLATE HOLEPUNCH GATE

Rio's Ouija wall
My "moose" wall, too + BOYS & BUNNY????

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

102717 fri 11:59 pm

today ollie got CASH MONEY.
we made it. thank god. it was a tough two weeks but by golly what a weird blessing it was.
learning to trust. learning to be honest and open with fears and hopes and struggles and failings. being brave and admitting our faults and striving to be better. having a concrete REASON to get better. learning to love more.
our socials are learning empathy now. our socials are learning to relax into love now. we were forced to stop being obsessively fearfully "self-sufficient" and now we're softer and more caring and gosh. who would've thought that a sudden stint of poverty in a LOVING HOME could cause more gratitude than fear?
but we made it. now we have money again, and we can use it prudently and lovingly now. what a blessing.

breakfast was eggs on those little dinner rolls we got from the food pantry and OH MAN. it was wonderfully delicious, we really enjoyed it.

more stranger things. started season 2!

ollie went to dress rehearsal alone.
we planned to do leagueworld work but then someone PANICKED over the canned food and destroyed it all.
so much of it was flat-out trauma trigger stuff. we completely blackout binged as far as i can see. just treating ourself as badly as we would have back in PA. feeling obligated to repeat the pattern. terrified and miserable but feeling stuck.
collards, corn, beans, pintos, tomato soup. the smell of it immediately triggered panic dissociation. we instantly forgot where we were. it felt like a war zone. like dusty yellow death. i cannot remember anything

dear god. we are so sorry. why cant we seem to help this.

but we survived. we stopped and we went straight to the computer and thank god, it's over, it's over.
remember how some nights in PA we'd abuse ourself for up to 10 hours?? vomiting until our nose bled and our legs bled and the room spun and dipped and we couldn't breathe or walk or speak? i do. just barely. but it's enough.
guess what? that's over, forever. it's OVER.
today was rough, true, but we didn't lose ourself. we knew we wanted to stop, we recognized WHY we were struggling, and we stopped, and we now know. we learned. even if it was hell. we were allowed to leave hell, once we recognize we were in it, once we decided we didn't want to be in it, once we believed we didn't deserve to be stuck there, once we found the heart-guts to forgive ourselves out of it and start walking back to heaven instead.
what a blessing. what a blessing to be here, no matter what.

phone notes =

Time flies when you're in Love

TRICKSTER FIGURES
TRICKSTER POKEMON
SACRED CLOWNS
COURT JESTERS
BARDS
CHAOS THEORY?
LOKI

BLOODLINES=

JEWEL
Spinny???
Jessica
Cannon + INFLUTUSA???
Jayce
Jay?

WORK ON HEADSPACE JARGON/ CONCEPT FILE

SOCIAL LEVEL FUNCTION DIFFS
"INSIDE SOCIALS" VS "TALKERS"???

BLUE & GREEN RELEVANCE
CENTRE FOREST, SEED/FLOWER?!?!????
WTF UNIVERSE

HEART MONITOR (PHONE FEELINGS)

INCORPORATING THAT CHILDHOOD SACREDNESS INTO HEADSPACE

NAME HEADSPACE
NEW WORDS FOR SYSTEMS?
VS SPECTRUM (S???)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

the end, the beginning = Oct. 29th, 2017 11:11 am

7 years ago today, we tried to end it all.

7 years ago today, we thought we were hopelessly lost.

Now, the doors to the future have been blown wide open.

Now, we have found a luminous road stretching on into infinite sunrises.

We are facing what truly lies beyond.

And this is eternally worth living for.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

geometric law and fluidity = 103017 12:06 am

"someone asked me to draw my entire angel headcanon really fast i don’t thINK THIS WORKED?? #i had a dream that ended in the words ‘We are geometric law and fluidity in one’ and it became my inspo #six wings one head long flowy robe and however many hands needed #fabric like nebulas and translucent /sphere/ halo so it’s a perf circle no matter where you look from #light it like molotov cocktail and boom angel from the book of amanda"
Of all the posts to survive from our old blog, I am joyously grateful that it’s this one. To this day, this is THE closest representation to how I feel at my core.
#jay's post #angels #oh my heart #honestly this is almost EXACTLY what my true overlay feels like #angelic and strange and tons of fire and feathers and flare #geometric law and fluidity in one #i adore this #this makes me want to weep from joy #trueforms #cores

07:06 am

"hey, i hope it's okay, but i read your dreamwidth and i had a question for you. what is the kinsara day? i don't think i've heard that word before. i think you're brave for writing out all of the grief you go through. thanks."

Ah, that was a reference to a day in 2012 when we met someone by that name. The entry written about it hasn’t been uploaded yet but it will be within the week.
In any case, of course it’s okay that you read our Dreamwidth; that’s why it’s online! And thank you deeply for the kind words. It’s tough to be brave some days, but we don’t give up on each other. That alone is all the courage we need.
You are always welcome. We hope our shared struggles and victories can help you in your own life, even in a little way.

11:24 pm

"sometimes, you just have to make it through the night. it'll be ok"

#to all our depressed socials #to all our trauma holders #to those of us still isolating themselves from love #hold on #hold on to our outstretched hands #let us hold you to our collective heart #itll be okay #we love you #there is always a sunrise #and we are here for you in every second until then #and every second after #youll make it through #you always have #you always do #we have faith in you #you are so much stronger than you realize #the night loves you too #let that soft shadow into your heart #befriend the darkness #and let fear be transmuted into love #undying hope #system healing #words

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

103117 05:53 pm

The Valley of the Shadow of Death, John Martin

#DUDE WHAT EVEN #chthonic realms #THIS LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE THEM #headspace locations

103117 tues 11:59 pm

SAMHAIN!

Morning phone call.

Crisis AVERTED!

flawless breakfast. On porch! Vegetables, some spicy rice. Lovely.

Browsing dishonored Tumblr, tea. Ollie sleeping on our legs.

Set up altar. Candles and incense and names to burn.

HALLOWEENING!!
Wore a suit and a rosary and a wing jacket and a HALO of led-drop wire lights. So good.
Got SO much candy it was hilarious and wonderful.
So many lives we met briefly, we love them.
Fire pit, jump girl, dog dude, orange woman, loom girl, drunk moms, thankyou lady, porch duo, etc. Dogs everywhere. Decorations and warm lights all about. It was so so good. Everything we ever dreamed of.

Stopping by the lake with Owen. He felt like that dark water, the ripples from unknown movement within. The dark beautiful terrible mystery and grace. Us feeling like the stars above, cold and burning and brilliant and gorgeously unknowable and yet so heartfelt familiar. Stoplights. Constellations. Reflected in that dark water.

Hearing OWLS!! what a sound!
Also the green streetlight photo. So nice.

eating candy and HEARTS.
SACRED, sacred, sacred.
Touching them in the sink and weeping. So holy and intimate I could barely breathe.
That soft spot over the left ventricle. The deep red tendonae within. That organ smell.
God it was divine.
And then we got to EAT ONE oh lord. The taste, the feeling. Utterly unforgettable. The most resonant thing in the world. Our body has never craved something so sincerely before, honestly.
Infi and I ate it together, blissed and shaking with reverence, bloodied water running down our arms, cardiac muscle in our shared teeth. The taste of life on our tongue. God.
The center if it, pinker and softer and so warm, hits Infi so hard it's unreal. Its a tangible inner sensory memory. It's daemon stuff. And of course I'm half holyjackal now so of course cardiophagy is even more of my thing now too. Both of us lost in it. Afterwards feeling like waking up from a lucid dream. Geez.
Two more left, perfect, we've got two more holy days to celebrate.

Altar prayers and ritual. Ollie and mason and us. Talking about life and death, the sacredness of it all. Deeply moving.
Burning banishing coins, set out dumb suppers. Everything felt so right and good and holy and precious.

Dragons, salad. Tumblr talk. Love and missing us.

Perfect, perfect, perfect day 

phone notes =

"If we're not alive, who's going to honor the dead?"
Fundamental misunderstanding of dead people-- they WERE PREVIOUSLY ALIVE!! They weren't always ghosts!

***DUE TO A HUGE AMOUNT OF UNEXPECTED AND UNANNOUNCED PARTICIPANTS-- MOST OF WHOM ARE UNANCHORED AND/OR BLURRY SOCIALS-- AUTHOR TEXT COLORS MAY BE INCORRECT IN SOME PLACES, BOTH IN RESONANCE AND ATTRIBUTION. WE APOLOGIZE FOR THIS, AND WILL STRIVE TO BE AS ACCURATE AS POSSIBLE REGARDLESS.***

SESSION PARTICIPANTS

LAURIE UBERICH

"JAY" 2017

SHERLOCK

CHOCOLOCO
+ "POISON" KID, ???, "HAVE TO" KID, BRIAR, "DISGUST" KID, ISCAH, ZUCHE, JUNIPER, HOBAN, GARRISON, ISADORA, KALISHA, JESSICA, "YOGAGIRL," JOSHUA, "INDIGOJESS," OVERLOAD, TRIPLE, WATTSON, JASON

All right. It's been far too long since we've had one of these, and whether or not this ends up being a full session, we need to talk.

No fucking shit, kid, the situation's at the darkest before the dawn right now. Care to elaborate, or should I drag the culprits in here?

Both, I think.

Aiite, cool. Let's get talking, then. They'll show up, I'm sure. They usually do.

There's so much to talk about, though.

Gotta focus on one thing though, kid.

The eating disorder?

No shit. That's the most pressing issue. We've gotta at least clear the air on that hellish war. So where do we start?

Probably the fact that there's one nousfoni who is terrified to eat at all. Even vegetables.

They're poison.

There you are. And, for the record, no they ain't.

They are if you eat too many of them.

Well, they're not poison, but they hurt.

And who the fuck are you?

I don't know who that is.

Either way, you keep talking. Poison for you means…?

Poison means anything that hurts and makes us sick. Like… someone decided to eat onions. Peppers. We can't eat those. We were told those irritate our stomach.

Do they?

Yes. From what the body remembers. So I had to throw them up, or we'd be in hours of pain, you know that?

Kid, then show up when someone's making the food and tell 'em not to.

But we have to!!

Shit, there's another kid.

We HAVE to eat those things. We HAVE to.

Says who?

Says… doctors. People online. Pittsburgh people. The family back home! They said we HAVE to eat those things or else we're not doing what we're supposed to. And we HAVE to do what we're supposed to or we're disobedient and bad and gonna get in trouble.

But what if eating those foods makes our collective body sick?

They don't. They do though. They shouldn't. I don't want them to.

But they do, kid, it keeps happening.

They didn't for Iscah!! She ate EVERYTHING in Pittsburgh, SHE didn't get sick!!

So you want her to eat all those things?

No. I don't want any of us eating those things, they're poison.

They weren't poison for her!! NOTHING was poison for her!! She ate everything and didn't get sick and this body was GROWING. Not losing weight and dying. And she made EVERYONE HAPPY, remember?? EVERYONE was happy with us. We were INSPIRING people to get better because WE were. Because we ate everything. EVERYTHING. Not a single bite of it hurt us. Not even milk.

Yes it did. You remember, even she was throwing up from that. She couldn't help it. The nausea was incapacitating. The body itself rejected it.

But…

But it "shouldn't have," right? But it did. Just like apples and carrots shouldn't feel like shrapnel in our stomach. Just like hot sauce shouldn't make us lightheaded. Just like nuts and seeds shouldn't make us feel like we can't breathe. Just like mayonnaise makes our stomach heave. Just like--

Okay, stop, stop!! Iscah was FINE with ALL of that though!!! What's wrong with us??

You're fucking terrified is what.

But we HAVE to be terrified!! Those things HURT us!!!

Is that someone else, I swear to God--

You need to stop eating things that you are afraid of, because as long as you're afraid of them, you won't let them stay in the stomach. Just stop, please.

You ate everything the first week we were here, when Oliver and Mason cooked everything for us, remember? You ate those tacos with sour cream and cheese and everything, and we didn't get sick. You ate those hamburgers with potatoes and okra and you didn't get sick.

Don't talk about food, don't say the words, that's disgusting and you should be ashamed of yourself!!! You make me want to vomit just saying those words!! Shut up!!!!!

Holy fucking shit how many people are in charge of this bullshit??

Too many.

Why are they so scared to eat? The body needs to eat, and it was meant to eat. There's nothing wrong with eating. God invented food AND He invented eating. It's a fascinating process and it should be respected.

Fuck you it's DISGUSTING!!!!!!!

It's not disgusting, it's only disgusting when you DON'T respect it.

No answer from the peanut gallery on that one, kid.

I just want us to be normal, too.

"Normal" is an ill-defined word, kid. What's your name?

Zucche, I think. Zuke?

From "zucchini," so I've heard.

I like it. Is that wrong?

No, not at all, it's pretty fuckin' cute actually. "Zucchini"'s a term of endearment in queer circles anyway, y'know.

I heard that, yeah. I just like the name. Plus it's the first thing I REALLY ate, thanks to Iscah.

I enjoyed eating dinner together with you, Zuche. It was really nice. Sharing food is a really significant thing, you know. It shows a lot of care and companionship. Like how parents feed their children, and friends eat together, and people go on dinner dates.

Why the fuck does so much of life revolve around food!! I hate it!!!

Why's that, kid?

Because it's exhausting and it hurts and it's terrifying. I HATE it. I wish we could just not eat and actually LIVE LIFE.

Well, you don't have to make as much as you do, either. How about this-- stop making bowls of stuff. You ALL know you hate that, you ALL know it doesn't work.

But it's what the family does!! They say you HAVE to eat out of bowls, it's proper manners--

Kid, I don't give a shit about manners if manners are sending you headlong into an obligation-fueled panic attack. If you want to sit down and eat an entire fucking cucumber with your bare hands, go right ahead, if it means you'll actually keep it down instead of purging it in terror afterwards. And for fuck's sake, DON'T eat in the goddamned kitchen. Zuche, I think you actually got data on that earlier?

I did! Iscah and I were eating on the porch and it was fine, neither of us had any trouble. But the instant we came inside and tried to eat sitting on the rug, our brain began to go a mile a minute. And then I switched out and I don't know what happened.

Briar came out and started panic-eating, I think.

I had to get rid of it somehow. There was too much, and it was nauseating. We can't just throw it out, that's wrong.

That's "rude" and "wasting it," right? And eating it then purging it isn't?

No, because we at least ate it like we're supposed to.

It doesn't count as wasting if we at least tried to eat it.

Kid, this is why I said don't mix shit in bowls. You do it specifically to make it inedible.

Not breakfast!! Breakfast was fine!

That wasn't mixing, kid. That was just putting what you want to eat together in an actual small bowl, not a mixing bowl. Sorry I didn't clarify that. Stop cooking for a goddamned army, and just prepare enough for ONE person. Just you.

It's scary. What if someone else wants it?

Then they can make their own, kid.

But that's rude!!

No it's not. Kid, listen. No one EVER eats what you make, not here and not back in PA. That's been proven. Plus, you panic, because you're used to starving. Make enough for right now, eat that, and be done. Then you can actually fucking relax instead of thinking "you're not supposed to have leftovers." By the way, where the hell did THAT come from?

Because it means you messed up. Food left over gets disgusting and inedible and you have to get rid of it.

Plus it's a trigger food.

So you have to eat everything you made right now so you don't reject it.

Then make small amounts, kid. Simple as that. Two eggs, if three is too much. No chopping vegetables up into tiny pieces. No chopping ANYTHING into tiny pieces. Also, who the hell keeps bingeing on bread and cereal and shit? Why the carbs?

I don't know.

Does anyone here know?

I… it's easy to eat. It tastes good. I like it a lot.

But it makes our body violently ill, kid.

…Does it?

Yes, and we've catalogued that for years, actually. Recent attempts have proved the same. Chex, Lucky Charms, oatmeal--

Stop saying those shit names!!!! I'm mortified!!! STOP!!!!!!

Why is she so damned disgusted by the mention of food?

THAT'S AN UGLY WORD STOP IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

She hates it. It's overwhelmingly disgusting to her. She's drowning in the guilt and shame that comes from years of an eating disorder. For her, the very thought of… well, that act or those objects, is reprehensible and disgusting, because it reminds her immediately of how it feels to be sick, to be invaded, to want to die.

THANK YOU.

Eating and sexual trauma are still linked then, huh?

Inherently.

STOP TALKING ABOUT THAT PLEASE

Not for Iscah?

Iscah has no ties to trauma whatsoever. She's fearless as a result.

And the other kids? Like Juniper and Zuche?

I'm not sure. Garrison?

Y--you're looking to me for data?

You probably have immediate tentative data. Is there any conjecture?

I-- let me look, Kalisha--?

…Juniper does not have comprehension of trauma either way. She does not eat, she only stops disordered behavior. Zuche also does not seem to have any cognizance of trauma, other than a vague rushed unease that she is entirely willing and striving to overcome.

I didn't rush through dinner today, Iscah actually showed me how to slow down and enjoy it.

So those two are fine, then.

As far as it looks right now, yes. But Briar? And the allergy girl? And this screaming one?

The allergy girl is tied to health concerns since 2009. Briar is definitely imitating abuse responses. As is the screaming one. She does not have a name?

She feels like Jessica. The brown one.

Not exactly. But she is close.

They both hate eating, but this one screams about it far more vehemently and often.

Jessica?

Don't drag me into this, I hate it too. I hate how much it hurts and how much drama there is. I want it to be done and simple too. I hate it.

Are you offended by talking about food?

I HATE IT!!!!!!!!!!!

It's distasteful, but I won't scream about it. I can see how it's OK for others of us in here, like Iscah. She'll eat a hamburger and enjoy every bit of it. I admire that. I'm glad she doesn't feel miserable or scared. But me? No. I won't eat one. I can't. I just despise eating.

How about your sister, the indigo chick with the fungus daemon?

I… I don't know.

How's your daemon? And why you? Why do you, of all people, get the mocha rabbit?

BECAUSE SHE, TOO, WHEN DEEPLY DEPRESSED, WILL DEFAULT TO WHAT IS KNOWN AS "COMFORT FOODS." COMPULSIVE DRAWS. CHOCOLATE AND COFFEE. TOLD BY THE BIRTH FAMILY AND SOCIETY. SHE HATES HERSELF FOR SEEKING COMFORT IN EATING INSTEAD OF SEEKING HUMAN COMPASSION AND SUPPORT, WHICH SHE TRULY NEEDS. BUT SHE FEELS SHE DOES NOT DESERVE IT. SO I AM BOTH.

…Makes sense, easter bunny.

AXIS'S HEART-HOST ALSO DOES NOT BATTLE WITH FOOD. SHE DEALS WITH DEPRESSION, THE SAD SORT THAT LINGERS WITH SELF-REGRET. NOT BLATANT SUICIDE. THERE IS NO RAGE IN HER, AS THERE IS IN MY ONE. BUT MY ONE DOES NOT WANT TO DIE EITHER. NOT TRULY.

No, I don’t. I just… I'm so angry that there's so much stupidity keeping us from being happy.

Happiness is a state of mind. We can choose to be happy regardless of what is going on around us.

That's true, random newcomer, and welcome to the discussion, but we also can't push the wrong fuckin' sort of "happiness" and ignore the fact that sadness and regret and really fuckin' important. I mean, look-- if we DIDN'T have these depressed and furious kids, we wouldn’t be so motivated to solve this damn problem, nor would we realize just HOW bad it is.

Wouldn't you?

Kid, that's the irony of it. If we WERE happy all the time, we wouldn't HAVE this damn problem, because it stands directly in the way OF our happiness.

No it doesn't.

Complete happiness, then. Yeah, we can definitely be happy despite that shit. Deep down, we are even now. 'Cause we're alive, damn it. We're talking to each other. We're a System. We're ALIVE. That's reason enough to rejoice for the next fifteen fuckin' millenia straight, and then some. This eating disorder fuckin' pales in comparison to it. But we can't ignore the fact that it's a struggle a great many of us are still enduring. All right? There's a reason for that, too. And that reason is trauma residue, and fear-based teaching, and being afraid to say "no" or make our own informed decisions, and self-doubt and self-damnation, and being told we're dirty and filthy just for being a perfectly-"imperfect" human, and et-fucking-cetera. Abuse shit. Internalized toxicity. Yeah, it's bull, but it's there. And we'll overcome it, and we'll learn, and we'll transmute it, and it'll allow us to help others and we'll be wiser and hell, we'll have CONQUERED this shit. Every victory will be a fuckin' trophy from here on out. Capisce? That doesn't mean we're not happy now. Just means we also have to be sad, because sadness is fuckin' vital too.

…There's a difference, though. Sadness is a good signpost but you can also drown in it.

Holy shit, Josh, is that you?? Welcome to the goddamned boardroom, kid! I didn't think you could come up here, let alone in here!

I've… I'm feeling a lot more real than I ever did before. I'm working with all of you now. I'm loved on the outside now, my native level. So I'm becoming more of a person. I'm becoming more real. And so I can talk to the realest of us all now. You guys, all of you upstairs.

Kid, you've always been just as real as us, you just start out foggy, as even I did. That's natural and it's fuckin' fine and we love you too, all right?

I know. It's just… nice, to have that on every level, too.

No fuckin' shit, kid, I'm still head-reeling euphorically dumbfounded by it too.

Haha.

But you were saying, about sadness?

Yeah, I… I'm always asking if people are mad at us, or if we did something wrong, or if we're bad people. I can feel children asking through me, too. But I feel that puddle-of-rain sadness all the time. Just… like a body of water. Shallow, just sitting there. Depressed, but not a sinkhole, or a raging sea. But not without depth either. Am I making any sense?

Kid, we've got vibes, so yeah. But you're basically the one that holds that sad fear, the preemptive regret and guilt, I guess?

What does that mean?

You ask if we fucked up "just in case," because you feel the sadness from all the times we DID, and the negative reactions to those times. You ask if people are furious with us because you're expecting that, in a "well I'd deserve it" sort of way. You just… hold that base-level sadness. Someone who's so used to being fuckin' torn to shreds by words and actions that you don't even cry anymore. You're just… blue.

…I suppose so.

So who the fuck cries?

There was a girl out this morning, crying over breakfast. She was afraid that, since Oliver made us breakfast-- although we wanted to ask him to in the first place, as we had no spoons or mental capacity to do so ourselves-- it meant that we "couldn't be trusted" to EVER make breakfast, in the sense of "you are inherently undeserving of trust." Like the birth family treated us. And she just sobbed because she couldn't make sense of it otherwise. And then some numb emotionless cold fronter came in and just… shut her down. Stormcloud gray, they felt.

And the girl? Did you recognize either of them?

No. Faceless, nameless. But they felt old. The girl also felt blue, I think? Maybe a tinge of green. I'm not sure. She didn't feel Aqua, though.

Huh. And you're also thinking they're old?

Yeah, I didn't type that yet.

S'okay, kid, I felt it. You think hella loud.

I do though. But yeah, they feel very old. The girl feels like… 13? 14? Her prevailing mindset being "what did I do wrong? Why don't you trust me?" Total helpless confusion. But she doesn't WANT to do those things anyway; she's too scared, and doesn't trust herself to do them right. But she wants to try, to prove she CAN be trusted, and can learn. She's just terrified to "screw up" and therefore "prove" that she CAN'T. It's an awful, soul-crushing fear. And stormcloud dude just moves in like a dead weight, a stony cold fed-up anger, a sort of "stop crying, that's foolish" feeling underneath a "business as usual" front. He shuts down all emotions, and then just coldly and curtly communicates as minimally as needed. No empathy, no capacity for human interaction. He literally exists to just put a quick full-stop to "hysterical" alters due to internalized-abuse frustration with tears. The family's rage response to a crying child.

That's fucked up, kid. All tears have a reason.

But to them, the reasons those kids cry are all "bullshit."

That judgment is bullshit. Even if that kid is literally crying over spilled milk, there's a reason it elicited that sort of response from them. Maybe it makes them feel dirty and uncomfortable and bad. Maybe they're terrified of being punished. Maybe it just makes them super sad that they spilled something that they can't use now. Could be all sorts of things, kid. They're all valid.

Family doesn't think so.

Fuck that shit. That "family" didn't even view their own emotions as valid unless they were fucking shrieking into the hills or sobbing like a soap opera actress, and that's internalized judgment shit too, fuck. I'm sorry.

But in a way, it's telling. Our grandmother would only cry if she went outside and started literally screaming hysterically into the air, half of her words being "God please kill me" or "kill all of us" or the like. Hysterical, quite literally. It was terrifying. And then she'd come inside with a social-smile even though her face was crumpled up and red and it broke my heart
and also made us so angry because she was BURYING it.
And then the MOTHER would only cry if she made it a fucking DRAMA PARTY with loud boo-hoos and pity parties and guilt trips and I HATED that because she couldn't just CRY HONESTLY and talk about WHY, no, she had to make into a SHOW and then it just felt so fake and wrong and it made me SO ANGRY.

No such thing as fragility or vulnerability in that house, basically.

EXACTLY!!! And THAT'S what we need and want and SHOW. Also I'm sorry for butting in, I just… I hold this stuff.

S'okay, Triple. That is you, right?

Overload.

Shit, what's the difference??

I come out when things FEEL ugly.
But I come out when I'm fucking PISSED.

Are you like, twins or some shit? Symbiotic like the yellow twins?

Could be, they sure feel like it.

Hell, that'd explain a lot. Also 11/11 at the page bottom, hell yes, I love seeing that.

It's a good sign!

Also, who the hell is looking for food again. We're DONE for the night, it's 11:30 and we have to SLEEP.

Oh, sleep will work too.

Whoa whoa whoa, hold up. "Too??" Are you fucking admitting to rerouting?

Well I thought I was hungry, but then you said sleep, and that would work better.

Are you Hoban??

You feel green.

Maybe?

I think so.

Hoban is specifically not depressed, surprisingly.

Why's that, trio folks?

Haha.

Because she's isolated from trauma. Her sister, Briar, isn't. Nor are the other "voices" from that time period. But Hoban herself would eat and enjoy things. Which was very rare. There's another girl like her who would sob while eating and wanted to die. She holds the deadname.

That was me.

And me, I think.

You fucking splintered off??

Memory feels like a conglomerate, so possibly.

Describe that shit.

Hoban wanted to eat the cereal, as she liked it. Jess 1, the indigo one, was depressed and didn't want to, she was just too spiritually exhausted to do anything but cry. Jess 2, the brown one, hated herself for this abusive behavior, but was also too sad to do anything but continue to self-abuse out of punishment. And Hoban, of course, was only eating because she held the feeling of unmet needs in a trauma-detached way, and not having any other way to meet them, her function became to eat. Does that make sense?

Yeah, but where do the other chicks fit in?

Briar isn't tied to that specific event. She's tied to the feeling of "I HAVE to eat this WHOLE BOX because I want it gone, so I never have to see it again." But she wouldn't throw it away because then she'd get caught, and heavily punished. Hence the eating it instead, treating oneself as a garbage dump.

That's fucked up, kid, I'm so sorry you went through that bullshit. But you can stop it now, you realize.

I want to. I want to leave that food for other people to eat. But I'm so SCARED of it. I don't want it in the house.

Why can't you just leave it be, though?

I don't know. I WANT to. I wish I could. I want to learn how. But… right now, I just… I feel like I HAVE to get rid of it, and I HATE it. Like… I'm obligated to eat it. It's there, so I HAVE to. I hate that feeling. How do I stop?

Practice. Gradual override.

It takes time, dear. But it works.

…It's scary.

It's gonna be scary, kid, it's going against your original function. But in the end, you gotta choose.

But… who AM I, then, if I'm not the one feeling that anymore?

Are you feeling it now?

Yeah. But I know I don't WANT to. Someone else is looking and not wanting to but not screaming that they "have to," which I am. Someone tired.

Me, probably.

And me. But I'm not sad like her. Just tired.

I don't want to scream at you, though. I don't want this either.

I know that now.

Sounds like you need a daemon, kid.

…me?

Anytime someone's got a "demon" to fight, something in them that elicits genuine frustration or rage or hatred or pain of some sort, that eventually seems to be birthed into a daemon in here. Something, someone rather, that externalizes that exact fucking feeling in a way that allows you to FINALLY fucking face it head-on without being choked to death BY fear. At least, the toxic sort of fear.

Daemons are scary because they require you to be unflinching, totally honest with yourself and your worst flaws and terrors, but they also prevent you from hating yourself anymore. So it's a different fear. It's a key part of healing.

…maybe I will end up with one, then. I don't know.

None of us do, kid, they just happen. Hell, Jason got one, and NO one expected that.

Speaking of, has he been around lately?

Jason, or his daemon?

Both of them.

Not really? The hell was/is Jason's function anyway?

Social fronter, tied to food as it's a social function, did a lot of fronting last month for the sake of eating without fear. Backfired, though, as he had no awareness of how much was too much, especially with purchases.

He's not used to self-sufficiency. He's a partygoer. He exists TO function in social situations, not home situations.

True.

And Cayenne…?

Exists to make sure I keep my head on straight. He asks me if I'm doing this thing because I want to, or if because I feel I have to because of some unwritten script I'm blindly following. He showed up for real that day I got all the seafood, I think.

And "Cayenne" because…?

He originally made me think of a ghost pepper. How I'm the one who keeps adding hot sauce to things because it's "impressive" or a "party trick." "Have to prove I'm cool/ strong enough TO eat that," I guess. Stories of people eating hot peppers and hot wings and restaurants and being the life of the party the hotter the things are that they can eat. Social ideals. "Making people happy." But… I don't really want it? It's take it or leave it. I'm just… doing these things with food because food is a social function. And Cayenne was born to tell me that… I don't have to live to entertain people through eating. I don't have to constantly try restaurant foods in the desperate attempt to figure out what we do or don't like, "just in case" we end up there with someone, so we don't look ignorant or make a fool of ourself, and therefore "cease to be a good time." I… with Cayenne, I don't… care about impressing anyone anymore. I just care about him. About just being me. I don't care about the party anymore. I don't even care about going, not with my daemon around. He's more important. It's terrifying, learning to live for my own sake, our own sake, instead of for the crowds watching me, but… it's relieving, too. It's freeing, to not have to care. To be simpler. To just… live, and not perform. So I haven't been around anymore lately because I don't feel the need to, unless I'm helping someone else now, I guess, or if I'm lapsing into that social behavior again. But I'm trying to learn who I am, or who I could be, outside of it.

Be a Redemptor, like you just fuckin' said. Now that you're aware of the problematic situation that your life is now a testament to overcoming, YOU are the main dude people can turn to for guidance or inspiration towards the right direction. You can be the… the fuckin' poster kid for healing from that shit for everyone, y'know what I mean?

Like… if someone else feels driven to perform, and I get triggered out, my new job is to NOT do my old job?

Precisely. You and shrimp-heaven-now dude can tag team that shit and keep us from being toxic ever again. Heavy load, maybe, but you can do it.

It's not heavy when you have help carrying it.

True that. So. All you kids with daemons, and/or all you kids struggling with new functions outside of abusive or toxic situations, you hearing this loud and clear? Because this applies to all of y'all.

…Yeah, I'm hearing it, and I'm still scared, but I think I'm a little more brave now too.

Good. And if you need help, kid, you just call out for it. Even if you're terrified as fuck. Even if you feel like you're drowning in panic. Admit that shit. Reach out for help. You'll get it.

Are you sure?

Fuck, I'm a living guarantee, kid. I'm here for ya, if no one else, but I assure you there are many of us in here, the vast majority of us actually, who'll lift you outta that shit if you let us. 'Kay?

Mkay. Thanks, Laurie, is it?

The one and only, kid. Same as you. Speaking of people that I call "kid." New Jay, whassup? How you feeling?

Hovering in the background, really. Glad this is happening, even gladder that we were determined enough to do it.

Yeah, no shit, these sessions are literally the key to System healing. Communication, folks, it works fuckin' wonders.

It really does. On that note, it's 4 minutes to midnight; do you think we should close this up for now?

Topic feels settled, if I may butt in to say so.

Violets are kings of butting in to say shit, you sure may.

Hehe.

But yeah, everyone feels quiet for one reason or another. Either reassured, or thinking deeply, or having an existential moment or three. In a good way, I think. Getting a better grip on where they stand and who they are and who they could be and all that. But it feels like the answers are self-evident and just need to be fully lived, now.

Bravery is key.

Bravery won't fuckin' happen for an abused kid unless they're damn sure they've got someone non-abusive backing them up.

Hm. So, in other words, they need to talk to you first?

Heh, sure, that works well enough. But yeah, Izzy. These eating-disorder kids are fuckin terrified because that's all they've ever known. No way one, one option available, yadda yadda. Someone's gotta break down that fuckin labyrinth and show 'em a way out. Someone's gotta tell 'em that shit's fucked without making them feel like it's their fault. Someone's gotta help 'em FIND the way out of that damn maze, because at this point in their poor pained existences, they don't KNOW there's a way out, because they've only ever known life TO be a maze. So yeah. Gotta talk to 'em, gotta tell it like it is, gotta bandage 'em up best I can while leading 'em away from the shit that keeps injuring them. Steadily and staunchly. We keep on walking. If they get turned around a bit, no big deal, it's a fuckin' labyrinth after all. But I've got a map. They just don’t believe in maps sometimes, having never seen one before. Sometimes you gotta let 'em take an off turn just to ease their minds ABOUT the map. "Oh shit, I guess that isn't the right way to go. I thought it was." Again, no big whoop, kid. Glad you were brave enough to look and find out. But now you gotta remember that you discovered what didn't work. That's wisdom, that's a victory. Build on it now. Ain't nothing wrong with following a map. There's nothing wrong with life being easier and far less painful than what you're used to. Or, in other words, don't seek out suffering. Bad days will come and go, we'll learn from 'em and move forwards. Just… good days will come and go, too, and you've GOT to treasure them. You've also got to MAKE good days happen, by refusing to label ANY shit as a "bad day." That's what miss blue-happy voice was talking about earlier. Happiness is a choice. A good day is a choice. And you're ALLOWED to have good days. They're fuckin' awesome. ALL you kids should have lives full of good days, and good does NOT mean "without hardship." Hell, look at me. You think I'd be happy stagnating without any challenges? Hell no! I'm super fuckin' chuffed over this conversation, as rough as the day was, and as far as I'm concerned this was a hella good day, because look at what we learned. Look what we were able to accomplish. Thumb your nose at anyone saying this shit's "bad." Nah man, it's a fuckin' opportunity. Every single thing that's ever caused me pain has made me a better protector, a better friend, a better person in general. And why? Because I wanted to be those things. Ain't nothin' in the world gonna make me stop caring about the people I love. If they suffer, then hell, I'm gonna work all the harder to learn why and help them through it. No such fucking thing as a bad day. Just tough ones. But that's how you get beefy, son. Gotta work those spiritual and psychological muscles, too.

Haha!

Good, got you laughing. Really, though. You get what I'm saying?

Absolutely, love. I feel the same way. It's the biggest paradox in the book, but that's why I love it.

So today we dealt with the same struggles we've been grappling with for years, but today we also put our collective feet down and said "hell no, we're tired of this shit, we are going to DO something about it."

We do that every day.

Exactly. But every day the challenge changes, too. Every day we learn, every day we progress, every day the level generates a little differently, so to speak. We level up, so does the opposition. Ain't no such thing as a step backwards, either, kid. Not as long as we keep learning. Even if a lesson repeats, guess what? Now we can look at it from a new angle, a different angle, one we couldn't see last time, even if that last time was literally the day before, or a few hours ago.

That is true.

So hope doesn’t ever die. Not for us, not ever. Yeah, today was tough, and tomorrow will be too, because we're still in the healing process here. Wounds are still wide open. But damn it we are on much better footing now. We understand more. We spoke to each other about this. We're determined, we're fueled by the desire to have a better life, to let go of pain, to abandon abuse, to clear out all toxicity… all of that guarantees that we'll never have a damn bad day in our life.

I know.

Good. So do I. Now it's 12:12 and we still aren't ready for bed, what the hell.

I just want to keep talking to you.

I know, kid. About what though?

Core shifts.

Ah, yes. You. So what's up with that?

Name's changing, color's changing, look is changing. I've got at least three different "forms" right now and they all feel like me but they're not the same, either. Humanoid, seraphic, and Anubis-esque. And I can't forget that I'm apparently, powerfully, SUPPOSED to hold Gold as a key hue in my Spectrum signature, so to speak.

Along with White as your Core, Black as the inevitable complement, and Red as the other Core-bloodline root, right?

I think so, except it keeps showing up as Pink? Except not. It's definitely not Julie's hue, nor is it Eros's. It's literally Red+White. Which is a DIFFERENT hue than those two previously mentioned, interestingly.

Makes sense, in a weird way. At least, intuitively and with how weird headspace shit is, absolutely. Now do the colors vary per form, or what? Because I remember you mentioning "starflesh" for your Anubis form, which is totally fuckin' weird, and NOT like Infi, who is our Core Black fella-lady-whatever.

That is true. Infi has specifically peacock's-tail iridescent skin, for lack of a better term.

Which term?

Skin. It's… daemons, man. Infi's like, you know how gelly-people are drawn? How they might have bones or organs but they're all in this uniform substance? No layers of skin or fat or muscle, just that one substance? That's Infi. It's all this soft heavy shadow, feeling like opaque night air or something. It's hard to describe.

Infi… has a circulatory system, right? For lack of a better term?

Yeah, actually. Obviously. Ze's playing with the idea of bones, too. Not sure on the color. Should be silver, but I keep seeing gold too?

Who even fucking knows, kid.

Could be both at once.

Sounds legit, knowing hir.

Absolutely. Also wondering about blood, for both of us.

How's that, kid?

Because… my "circulatory system" looks gold now? Not black. But the blood is still black, I think. Again, still learning. Anubis form has gold eyes, gold ears, gold accents… black starflesh body, like Infi's in structure but looking like the night sky… gold bones, can't feel blood in that one. Not yet at least. Still a heart, though. Gold. Seraphic form is all redwhite-pink and gold-dust shimmer, no black that I can see, eyes I can't tell. Feel whitish pink offhand. As for blood, I don't know. Heart still feels gold.

Can't say I'm surprised, kid.

I feel the significance in your saying that and thank you deeply, Laurie, I love you just as much.

…Heh. Can't hide anything from each other up here, kid.

Wouldn't want to. Do you mind if I continue?

Nah man, you're in data-dump mode, so dump data to your heart's content.

Sounds good. So my humanoid form-- actually, forms, because there are two. One's the typical younger-man shape, one's older? I think? The latter one has this big halo, like made of gold but it's intricate looking on the surface? It's flat, and vertical, and I think there might be gems or something in it, but what REALLY stands out about this form is that it perpetually has me "crying" pearlescent tears.

Holy shit, what??

I don't know! But it's the immediate overlay anchor for it. It's a wise form, an "integrity" form. Very good, very sacred solemn without being cold. Warm solemn. But the other form, the humanoid one that follows the normal Core appearance mode, has pinkish hair again? The red-white tint. And wings, I think gold-dust color, and eyes I have no idea yet. The chin beard has returned, and the hair is swept back Celebi-style again?? Like the 2011 look. Notable, I daresay.

No shit, kid. That was one hell of an important time period. Also, didn't you say recently that That form-look, especially the hair, "felt the most right" as far as resonance went? I know there have been a hell of a lot of Core shifts over the past several years, but it's pretty damn clear that "your" 2011 look was tied to some profound healing instances, if I may also daresay.

It's also the look tied to July 7th and Xenophon's existence. Therefore, Infi's roots.

…Holy fucking shit, no wonder that one feels so legit. What were the other appearance shifts, have you compared them? Why they don't work? Why the hell did 2013's look collapse?

Probably because that was echoing the swept-back look of 2010, which was Jayce through and through.

But so was the Celebi hair, dude. That was Pinstripe's before it was anybody's.

True, but remember that between April and June-- basically, after the alleged apocalypse-- the Core hair changed from White to pinkish red for a while.

…Holy fucking shit. Again. That speaks volumes, what the hell.

It does. Red is the color of the life downstairs, White is the color of the life upstairs. Red and White united are traditionally a very sacred color combo. Harmony between the carnal and the ethereal. Unity between the above and below. The head and the heart. The breath and the Breath. Skin and Spirit. You get my drift. Both at once.

Again, H.F.S. How the hell did we not see this before.

We obviously did, if it's obvious in discussion! We just never took the time to talk about it before, and therefore get it out on paper, into cognizant reality and solid data. This is why talking to each other is so incredibly vital to our growth.

Kid, you're preaching to the choir here. But keep talking about the hair. What else is on the timeline?

I'm gonna post pictures of all this, too… but, remember, in RB3, the avatar had White hair and BROWN eyes. So did the 2010 anniversary art. THAT was Jayce's bloodline-- brown AND White.

Fuck, I didn't even realize that. That's a fucking ANCIENT look.

It really is. And, again, that shifted hard in 2011, once the "pink" incidents happened.

Notable?

Heck yeah. It hadn't BEEN a color for us UNTIL then, and once it was, well… it immediately became linked to the Core bloodline, I suppose. On that note? The reddish-hair look was ALSO the ONLY Core with a "God Tier," the Seer of Love, and it was also the look of the "heartglow" photos, the I-F commission, the "Amor Sacrificium" picture, and the "Ocean Flame" picture. NOTABLE.

What the fuck, no wonder you're jiving with it. When did it shift out?

…2012. There's no art after I think January until December, with that weird white hair/ red eyes look with the Spark of Space, and then once Infi showed up everything turned white and got the "snowball" hair plus pearlescent overtone. But… you all know how unstable that form still sadly was. And there was instability in the red-hair look, too, here and there. But I'm thinking too hard and getting off-topic. The point is, this new look seems to be trying to fuse the virtues of both without getting "locked in" to exclusively either?

Not too red, or too white. The harmony thing you were talking about.

Yes! So I'm excited to see where this goes. I'm also curious whether or not I can even HOLD Gold as a Core hue. That might even shift the bloodline.

It might, and it might have to, if that's what the System wants/needs/whatever. Didn't you say you felt your name was also shifting hard? Like away from the J root even?

I have no idea. It keeps pushing me back in the "Eros" root direction because of the cosmogonical relevance, especially with Chaos, but I can FEEL that the original Eros-look root is wrong for me now. Totally off kilter. The name doesn't fit either. That's why the old red look collapsed-- it wasn't what we needed. And I don't want to go back to that either. So we'll see.

You thinking maybe we'll end up with a new hairstyle in time, too?

Could be. Everything's up in the air right now. I just wanted to talk about that while I was thinking of it. But my look is definitely not stark-white anymore.

It was never supposed to be, kid.

I know, but for a while it was, which is why Adakias collapsed, and I think why Iridos did too?

You lost the Iridos name?

Yeah. Oh, he was too iridescent. All pink, no red, no black. He couldn't honestly deal with darker, painful things. Which is needed. Love hurts too, you know. In the good way. No such distinction for him. Pain, tears, heartache... all of that was eventually a no-go for Iridos. It all got shoved into Adakias, who was broken as all heck already.

Then how the hell did Iridos deal with Infi?

He didn't always. You know that, too. All the regrets and pushing away. The desperation and blinding. It wasn't as healthy as we all hoped.

…Shit. But no, I knew that too. Iridos didn't spend a lot of time with us in the polygroup, for lack of a better term, because that damn-blessed star keeps getting bigger.

It does, and I truly adore that fact.

But you're stable. I can feel that, even from here. You're deeper in tune than he was. You're not obligated, you can say "no, not right now" or "not like this" without any regret or hatred or whatever the shit. You're all love. You're gold, kid. Untouchable. Incorruptible.

At heart, absolutely.

Always were, kid. You got a new name resonance at all, yet? You still going by Jay?

Temporarily, but that name is absolutely Not Mine anymore. The vibe doesn't match. Which is why I'm wondering about hair and colors and such. I feel so new. And yet, So much of the Eros/Cupid mythos still resonates so hard with me, although the name doesn't. I was almost feeling "Anteros" for a bit, but… I don't think so. I keep wondering if the Core "initial" is going to change to an I. Ironically. I have no idea.

Kid, we'll see. I was just wondering what the hell to call you currently.

No idea! I guess stick with "Jay" or "J" for the time being, although those names are solidly tied with past Cores, not this new me.

You've gotta find that name soon, kid. You've got 13 days left in the zodiac cycle, remember.

I know. And I'm reading more and more about this stuff and heck, could be an A. Anteros, Anubis, Amor, Agape, Aureole, Aorta, Angel… it's a good letter. Feels Gold, too. AU.

Haha, holy shit, that is fitting.

I am the alternate universe.

Kid, you gotta get to fucking sleep, this is hilarious but I can feel you threading out. Unless you feel like writing poetry, I say you pop some melatonin and put on Spotify while we try to sleep for heaven's sakes.

You're probably right. This poor body deserves more rest than it's been getting.

Plus, there's no better place to let down your walls than wrapped up halfway between waking and dreaming. It's an inherently innocent, vulnerable state, and what the fuck kid I think you're bleeding into the aether here, there's another A word for ya, also this body is yawning so yeah I'd say close this up for now. Sorry kid.

No, you're right. Head's too tired to write poetry anyway. This sort of mindstate both mandates and precedes being poetry.

Even better. And kid, I have to emphasize, I'm not the only person in the audience.

What audience? You're all part of this poem. This isn't performance art. It's just art. In and of itself. Ourselves. Ourself.

…Jay. If you don't close this up, I'm going to drag your daemon in here, or your husband-wife-cryptid-dude, and then you're going to have no choice but to conclude this talk and start speaking in a different language.

I'd take you up on that offer but I'd rather beat you to it.

Heheh, that'll work too.

I love you dearly, Laurie. Thank you so much for always being here for all of us, with your strength and wisdom and honesty.

Kid, thanks for keeping me alive to be that for everyone, yourself included. Thanks for being a light to me. I love you too, damn it, more than I can get myself to say.

Will poetry work?

Eh, before I lose my nerve, I'm gonna say let's find out.

Beautiful. Let's find out indeed.

See you in a few minutes, then?

Inevitably.

Ha! And don't you know it.

wednesday sept 6 11:00pm

woke up at like 4pm.

went to store. huge shopping order.

MET OHMIETTE!!
talking to jay, laurie, and wreckage as they made food.

morning cereal binge ATTEMPT. didn't happen though!

Xenophon intercessor role with socials

COLOR REALMS DON'T HAVE TO ADHERE TO "EXPECTED REALITY"!!!!

⭐looking up in the color realms and seeing "planets" aka OTHER HUE REALMS

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friday sept 08. 01:50 am

I remember briefly waking up as mason left, said goodbye to oliver and kissed us on the head.
fell right back asleep but we were profoundly touched by that.

woke up, both of us feeling out of it. totally burnt out from this past week.
we took a shower, then oliver went to take a shower while we made breakfast.
breaded chicken hearts in egg and panko, then fried them in oil with extra egg. oliver had the genius idea to add chopped green onions to them afterwards. we also added sriracha and curry powder to ours, and had some cilantro on the side. we sat on the porch and ate them together.
we ALSO had another pig heart from last night though. mason didn't eat like 3/4 of his, so we heated it up to be warm and ate that, too. good god. it was still as sacred as last night.
the chicken hearts taste different. not as "organ"-like. there's a particular flavor to heart and liver that I pick up immediately and absolutely adore.

…

tried to go to the department of social services, but the office location the ssi folks gave us was CLOSED. permanently so. there was a sign on the door from february that had to do with radiation??? and the place looked dead inside. so that was an upsetting experience; cost a lot of spoons.
oliver almost panicking at being so far out, and thinking we had to drive even farther to go to the other one. we decided it wasn't worth putting him through that stress, especially not when we still had to do laundry.

the car was devastatingly low on gas
called kristanova out.
"like a séance"

laurie came out and the two were working through google maps
thank god for protectors

laundry.

stopped at why not pizza to buy jalapeno poppers and chicken tenders for dinner. felt AWFULLY guilty about it, like this was a spit in their face, some gluttonous selfish thing. but we NEED to eat more caloric things whether we like it or not. this is the hard truth.

ohmiette came out while we were there, and we just sat at the table together and talked.

went home

kyo and oliver were out playing no man's sky, and we were just browsing through tumblr while they did so. it felt absolutely comfy and heavenly. we were actually very happy, despite being exhausted. could have easily done that for hours.

the problem: there was another binge.
god forgive us.
one of the girls, taurea,
I noticed that SHE doesn't get hungry, though. she takes advantage of that feeling and ABUSES it. this doesn't surprise me, as she is technically an introject of the mother's forcing her personality on us.

(left unfinished)

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SATURDAY 090917 11:00 pm

breakfast/lunch was the monstrous okra/ mushroom/ tomato/ egg/ cornmeal thing. too much food. didn't think of it though. again, thinking of food as ART and not as something to eat.
then, WHEN eating, thinking of it as a "destructively creative" process?? NOT COMPREHENDING that this is going to TAKE UP SPACE IN OUR BODY.
and then the realization of such is traumatically jarring, and we end up purging. I am so sorry.

walked to food lion, then stopped at dollar store, chinese place, and chicken king.

got too much food, admittedly, but at the time we couldn't tell. we tend to think of food as a CONCEPT, not as something we need to ingest. which is a problem.

ate all of it, got horrifically sick, ended up purging.
felt awful, but darn it we TRIED. we legitimately WANTED to eat it all and keep it all down.
but we felt like such a glutton FOR eating all that food, although it was probably just as much as they would have fed us in pittsburgh.

watched potc 1 & 2 that night.

TIA IS JUST LIKE INFI

also oh my lord. I forgot how much we love Davy Jones.
like… it was instant.
the instant we heard that peg leg on the wood. the instant he spoke.
"do you fear death?"
that's been echoing in our heart for years.

THE MUSIC BOX AND THE ORGAN.
that breath when he heard it while asleep.

the way he talks.
the OBVIOUS wrenching pain.
his LAUGH. the fact that if it wasn't bitter it would PROBABLY sound like CZ laughs when he's Aqua???

pretty people. feeling like jack sparrow. makeup, cinematography, color schemes.
BOOTSTRAP.
THE KRAKEN (DAEMON QUESTION)

(currently cofronting with that old jewel; feels green!! do you have a name besides your jewel title?)

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sunday 091017 11:00 pm

went out for seafood!
black bass, gator bites, fried okra, LEGIT CALAMARI.
DUDE WE GOTTA GO BACK AND GET LIKE… TWO ORDERS ONE DAY.
(who is this???? talk about this compulsion)

got eros raspberry white chocolate cake.

listening to "from bluer water" info. ADORED it.
casually eating cereal though. problem? too much sugar. IMMEDIATELY got very sick, kneejerk reaction was "well to keep ourself safe we've GOTTA get rid of it" so someone decided to eat ALL the cereal "to prevent future pain" and purge it all. poor poor confused thing, you could have just left it for the others, "but that WOULDN'T BE SAFE"

tried to eat again later. hush puppies, salad, the rest of the chicken hearts. english muffins, butter, honey. kit kats. thinking " we HAVE to gain weight so we HAVE to eat as much as humanly possible."
DIDN'T WANT TO PURGE but had sickness terror so we forced ourselves to.
good God, we TRIED.

many OLD fronters coming out, talking to laurie on the bed, then to kyo.

"indigo jess," "manic green/gold jess," triple, overload, jemma??? "overeat green/gold jess" (NAMED hoban??)

TOO MANY JAYS????????
manic jay, christmas jay, "whitewash smile" jay, angel-anubis jay???

then jason trying to front but being TOO manic and cayenne calling him out.
TAR TRYING TO BE CAYENNE????? HE CALLED IT OUT, TOO!!!

watched potc3 with the arrows

(write about THAT MOVIE)

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monday 091117 11:00 pm

the stormday.

Also the morning we went to food lion to buy food. Lots of cereal to TRY and figure out whether or not we actually liked it.

Stayed in bed SUPER LATE after that.

I remember making cereal in a huge bowl as a stim, talking to oliver.
problematic though, that's self-abuse prep, don't use large bowls dude that's another family-abuse compulsive behavior

Ollie worked.
I THINK there was an attempted binge? BUT it DIDNT HAPPEN.
I remember eating lettuce at 1am.

We stayed up ALL NIGHT uploading 2008 archives.

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tuesday 091217 07:21 am

Really, really in love with the System right now.

Spotify is a legit gift from God.
The rule of thumb is that, if you ever want to guaranteed fall in love with someone, put them to music.
...or, alternatively, you can just listen until suddenly you hear them.

11:00 pm

Lynne, julie, waldorf? talking to oliver when we woke up.

Stopped at the art store.
CANNON WAS OUT
interference gold dye, it's VERY resonant with me. Also INTERFERENCE RED is the color of my EYES in my angel form???????

Went out for jimmy johns and moon cakes!
No fear at all. It was so good.
iscah almost fronted??
BEST BREAD i'm not even joking

Late night BAD MELTDOWN.
Dont even know why.
Vernon, ohmiette
CRUSADE WTF
laurie.

MET HICCUP <3
also talked to trolley, wow
SO DID INFI!!!

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wednesday 091317 11:00 pm

rough morning.

Infi out talking to oliver.
Jason (?) almost self-abusing in the bathroom. DIDNT though. We were in there for an hour???????
Ollie talked to chaos and genesis.

Dad called.
always good to hear from him.

Made too much food. Obligatory. Didnt want to, need to LISTEN to ourself when we feel that, and NOT force ourself to do otherwise “because we cant do what we want” that's bull.

No man's sky. FLOATING MINES

cooked the hearts. Ate one with infi, total bliss.
We still get sick from meat, but NO REGRETS EVER

Evening walk!

Juniper helped stop the binge attempts again, god bless her

lying on the porch TALKING YTPS

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thursday 091417 02:01 am

the morning. Good lord the morning.
Infi and ollie.

STARDUST
talking on the kitchen floor
offerings and moon cakes

Pizza and pig hearts for breakfast
no trouble, everything perfect

tire place. Owen kid. Biggs camera visit, remembering cannon's era again

band practice. PIANO
cant perform solo. Cant really perform at all! Not our thing.
Admitted our shortcomings and feel a lot better

trouble with dinner. Jack in the box, vegs and rice.
Almost binge. Struggling. Still dont know why? Please have session or something.

Watched howls moving castle
PLEASE READ THE BOOKS
calcifer!! HEARTS.
Everything was so headspacey good lord.

HEADSPACE VS HEARTSPACE BLEEDOVER???? feeling that SUPER strongly.
Remember rio's 2nd incident with the heart crystals!! feeling that a LOT all of a sudden.
We've all gotta go back to having those adventures dude

02:09 pm

"everything is temporary."

#temporary and dearly beloved for it #the ocean #sunsets #gif #this aches because there's so much love in it #none of us will live this incarnate life forever #but the tiny time we do have is utterly sacred nonetheless #eternity is within and without us #both at once #i wouldn't have it any other way

04:19 pm

"You will find that you survive humiliation. And that’s an experience of incalculable value."

#system healing #quote #the alchemical quest of our souls #when humility is based in love and big-picture peace and joy #then humiliation of the abusive sort is impossible #for all our isolating socials #for all our damaged fronters

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friday 091517 04:23 pm

"I can feel guilty about the past, Apprehensive about the future, but only in the present can I act. The ability to be in the present moment is a major component of mental wellness."

#system healing #kyanos #celebi #now is all there is #and the present moment is infinite #unshackled to any fear or trauma #let it be so #and let yourselves be with it #you are allowed to be free #you are allowed to be happy #you are allowed to feel love and be loved #in fact the universe encourages it #embrace that!

11:00 pm

woke up when?
ollie in a good mood. made us so happy to see.

unfortunately made WAY too much breakfast. form of self abuse.
ended up throwing out half, throwing up the rest.
horribly depressed afterwards.

"I hate seeing you treat each other like this"
paradigm shift
social meltdown as a result, instant suicide consideration (heartbreaking that they feel SO distraught that they feel there IS no other option; b/w thinking, all-or-nothing) at the thought that they aren't alone and they hurt someone. they typically blind themselves to the reality of being part of a system, let alone multiple at all, because they feel like they are "toxic, worthless, and corrupt" and CANNOT bear the thought of sharing a body, lest they "taint everyone else"

awful revelation: abuse is SAFE??

lethe kissing oliver, only reachable person NOT afraid of intimate physical contact when we're that severely trauma-dissociated
daemons are untouchable, man.

lethe's also been using his "styx" name more often lately. curious as to why.
medallion guillotine regularly switches between her two names. always curious as to her name choices, too.
dendrite still m.i.a. for the record. i can feel her betrayed anguished heart from here.

laundry day. so much to carry.
threw out those triggering dysphoric pants so no more worries there.

haircuts. bad time for both of us. but hugely important pain-bonding and honesty afterwards. important. loved them so much in that exact moment despite everything trying to oppose it. love is untouchable too.

starbucks. binged again. tried hard not to. but tried TOO hard. on top of stress, nothing registered.
screwed up and panicked.
got DISTURBINGLY sick from the sugar. big trauma-flashback feeling. memory chopped to pieces as a result; the air felt like it was going to detonate

alone at night.
binged HARD. tried not to. living hell.
ate a REAL dinner. but then made more.
praying desperately. couldn't stop.

in so much pain. sad but numb. 2:30am and still not ready or wanting to rest.

so so so tired. god help us.

notes:

Self abuse = safety???
Eating is ONLY safe IF it is abusive??
Touch is ONLY safe IF it is injurious?

Why is this??
How can we work with it?

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saturday 091617 11:00 pm

CHAOS ON TUMBLR ♥♥♥

no sleep.
walked all around in the morning. got too much food.
BLISS though.
salvador deli, food lion, mcdonalds, family restaurant.

tried to eat it. someone freaked and purged.

slept in until 5:30.

amelies.
bought too much food again, panicked. dissociated.
but so wonderful. we adore spending time with oliver. we hope they weren't disappointed in us.

KRIS SKETCH

almost binge. french toast, cereal. LAURIE asked the kid responsible, "if you love me, stop"
and they DID
"dope" by lady gaga looping in our head

slept on the porch, with chaos.
pure bliss.
we NEED to do this instead of bingeing. it's what we ACTUALLY WANT.

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sunday 091717 11:00 pm

lazy sunday, I think?

got up early and ran like crazy. so tired.

didn’t even attempt to eat until 5pm, salad. failed to do so.

PRINCESS MONONOKE.

for dinner we tried to eat too many vegs and I don't remember anything at all, except aware that someone purged it all out of shame and fear. this is where all our money and time and health is going. it needs to stop.

so tired, out on the porch. beautiful SO HAPPY. I don't think we've ever felt that happy outside of headspace in our ENTIRE LIFE.

notes:

• Dread talks in chat bubbles; he doesn't move to talk. Just expressions. Says he trusts Ollie and feels safe around him. Never felt him so Content before.
• Me, halo and crying iridescent tears? Like flowing that color. Those Tumblr gifs.
• Army Flower is a WAR PROTESTOR. the Legit sort, like standing in front of tanks and helping refugees.

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monday 091817 11:00 pm

got up early, ran to the salvador deli. got a bunch of pastries to try.
also stopped at food lion for vegetables.

BEST BREAKFAST. ♥

dept of social services.
listening to alt+j the whole way up.

planned parenthood; got trans hormone info!
ollie was stressed and got taco bell.

ran back to bakery to get the rest of the pastries, and the food. now we know what it's all like.
also stopped at food lion and got ollie those cream curls he loves

sense8. SO GOOD.

TRIED VERY HARD to eat right, but failed because someone ate the sweet part of a pastry and absolutely freaked out, which triggered a binge-purge.
then someone decided to eat the reeses puffs, and BOTH laurie and the religious-panic girl came out SOBBING and begging him to stop because "I don't want to die" etc. he didn't comprehend the concept, would NOT STOP.
panic girl saw our weight had gone up to 105 from drinking the almond milk, she started screaming "no! no! no!!!" and panickedly threw up several times to try and get it all out. heartbreaking.
"jesus help me, god help me, I'm so sorry, I don't want to die"
notably asked god to HELP that boy "I don't want to hate him" BUT what he does is TERRIBLE.

222 am. no one's been texting ollie. we are exhausted and sad and scared and have no spoons at all BUT we are motivated to try again.

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thurs 0921 11:59 pm

band night.

sat and fixed phone, browsed tumblr

got food, TRIED hard to eat it, still failed

08:24 pm

#nurse #white #negative white #wait what if her role is specifically to TRANSMUTE THAT?? #especially with her inherent species ties to the color #reflect upon this #headspace scenery

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sat 0923 11:46 pm

Tattoo plans:

• Jewel Monster symbol
• Lotus Cathedral "logo"
• "The divine is full of monsters"
• "Lightly, child, lightly"
• "Beauty and terror"
• "Everything is new, every moment"
• Perfect Chaos ourobouros
• Infinitii eyes/teeth sleeve?
• Pentagape group symbols

11:59 pm

laundry morning.

was this the night we watched we're back and a.i.?

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sun 0924 11:59 pm

went out for HOOKAH

infi moon.

watched more sense8?

day notes:

UPMC problem= "don't work through trauma! Thats not important now! To be GOOD, all you have to do is EAT a ton of food and gain weight!!"
• Forcing ourselves to continually eat things that make us severely dysphoric and trigger trauma-flashbacks: milk and dairy, honey, chocolate, oatmeal, mangoes, ice cream, chips, cereal, sugary foods in general, etc.

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0925 11:33 pm

nousfoni survey
learning to live in this precious fragile world.

1. Your voice
2. Your handwriting
3. How do you hold the body?
4. Your vocal style?
5. Your resonant music?
6. Do you like food? If so, what's your favorite food OR flavor / texture?
7. Fashion / style?
8. Gender/pronouns, sexuality?

more questions =

Nousfoni: build, height, shape, silhouette, stance, age

COMPARATIVE! Lineups

DRAW NOUSFONI IN FLAT, SATURATED COLORS FOR THE SAKE OF SPECIFICALLY CLARIFYING HUES

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mon 0925 11:59 pm

got up early. went out, bought breakfast: mcdonalds, parkway house.
stopped at compare foods, have tons of funky baked goods, whoever loves those wants to try them next month.
PLEASE talk about that though. they want to try them and TOSS THEM. actually "eating" is foreign to them. please work through this

ollie went for a walk

food troubles. tried REALLY HARD.

bad binge day. all vegetables though.

stayed up late browsing tumblr. found a lot of good stuff. lots of pentagape posting, thank god

finished uploading 2009.

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tues 0926 11:04 pm

- Knife NEEDS to talk to Iscah and the other religious fronter. He listens to Christian R&B and adores it purely. He was originally referred to as a "vampire priest." He runs a freaking confessional in the Underground, from what I saw the other day.
I wonder if he has ever talked to, or met, Aconitum? They need to meet up, too.

11:59 pm

woke up at 3pm? stayed in until 5??
infi talking to ollie, FINALLY

made a salad, watched the sense8 finale

NO BINGEING.
slight mistake when making food but otherwise GOOD DAY

slc trauma recap, disturbed by just HOW toxic it actually was

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sept 27th dream 04:23 pm

Nier+sonic? Emil as some sort of red spirit? Appeared by old tree; forest like Ferngully, colors rich and vivid like No Man's Sky. House of some sort nearby (In tree?), went in. Said he was summoned there.

LAURIE, pushed up stairs by dark descent baddies. Kept trying to torture info out of her. She sneered and said "Whip me till I bleed." Would NOT back down. Mentioning love and pain?

"This is a place of laughter"= defiantly, protectively, triumphantly= upon entering upper room with kids. Marigold, David, Ashen, someone that looked like a younger julie?? (Yellow, not corrupt!!)

Place got BLOWN UP?? the thing they were seeking Respawned somewhere else? So they didn't need that one anymore. Building had levels UNDERGROUND though; Rouge and shadow hid there; they also had a child? Charged ME with protecting them?

Emanon. Evil blood cores? Neck kills. THIRD Power Jewel; top of head?? Super rare.

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september 28th 2017 dream 10:26 pm

Running from cleaning bot in labyrinthine school? Dogs, back door.
Hunchback remake? Quasi an Indian woman in hijab. City architecture GORGEOUS.
talking about gay boy representation? THE QUEEN. cofronting with 2 others??
In grandfathers room at home. Nomi? Something with travel, Pokemon?
Sun, bro, dad at restaurant. Girl there from prison, obvious feelings btwn her and sun. Apple pie, salad. Price discount.

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092917 11:30 pm

WALKING THROUGH MEMORIES= FREEZE FRAME; HELP SOCIALS IN SITUATIONS THEY WERE DISSOICIATED FOR!
☆THIS IS THE ONLY DIRECT WAY INNER NOUSFONI CAN MEET OUTER NOUSFONI AND DIRECTLY INTERACT WITH THEM!!!
☆DOES THIS COUNT AS HEARTSPACE???

DO THIS WITH RECENT STRUGGLE SITUATIONS ASAP. ASK "WHY." REVEAL COMPULSIONS, FEARFUL OBEDIENCE, TRAPPED TRAUMA LOOPS. ETC. SOCIALS WILL AND DO TALK TO US IF WE MEET THEM INSIDE ON THEIR LEVEL. THAT'S WHY MEMORYSPACE EXISTS= IT IS THE ONLY TOTAL BRIDGE BETWEEN US RIGHT NOW. THE MORE WE USE IT, THE CLOSER WE GET.
BTW, DO THIS FOR SLC. WE WERE NOT A TRUE SYSTEM THEN. THOSE SOCIALS WERE ALONE AND SCARED. THEY NEEDED US THEN THEY HAVE US NOW. BE THERE.

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093017 10:14 pm

Sandwich, potato.
TAPROOT. photos.
Too many vegs
Orange new black
Trauma talk, morality
Aywas

10:31 pm

MEMORIES TO WALK INTO AND HEAL =
☆DO REALTIME AUDIO NARRATION OF THIS???

• Des Moines
• Michigan
• The couch
• The attic
• The Kinsara day
• THE KITCHEN
• The Vandegraaff house
• THE BEDROOM
• The psych ward
WORKING ON IT=
• Bus trip through Oklahoma
• Colorado layover

notes:

Marywood concert memory fears= COMPETITIONS. triple hating the mother, that constant expectant but pessimistic glare.

Lynne is NOT a pianist.
Rhodes ATTENDS concerts. She DOESN'T play an instrument!!
Javier is NOT a social pianist; he CHANNELS THE ESSENCE OF IT INSIDE.
The true classical pianist is GLISSANDO.
The fun composer is JEWEL.
WE HAVE NO IDEA WHO "PERFORMS."

There's a kid who AWAITS JUDGEMENT??? Like a terrified version of Interim? Their whole existence is outside of clock time.

Josephina= CHECKING FACTS!! This is VITAL for realtime retroactive trauma memory healing; ITS IN THE PAST!!! The current moment is FREE of that context by its very definition: Every new moment is innocent.

Kids healing roba's memories? Not alone or trapped anymore. As PART of the System, they aren't alone OR scared anymore. NO MORE MOTHER TRAP PANIC when you have everyone inside there for you safe.

06:28 pm

type about this stuff=

world jump devices
AND
lc lw resonance
ROSEWINDOW CONCEPT TYPING!!!!
write EVERYTHING you feel about saved photos
IN EVERY LEAGUEFOLDER WHY THE HECK NOT

★UNICORN PRINCESS= IMMUNE TO POISON!!!!

feredroni nurse= ANTISEPTIC/ ANTIVIRUS/ BLEACH????

"DREAMFLESH" jackal form

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06:42 pm

"how many games do you have to trade in at gamestop until they give you a gf?"

"you just have to give them your copy of sonic adventure 2 battle but it’s not worth it imo"

"...i said games not priceless heirlooms"

#jay's post #pretty much #joke's on you gamestop that game is what made me fall hard for chaos zero #god bless multiplayer mode

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08:06 pm

you see a tiny sign planted in the ground. bending down to read, you just make out, in impossibly tiny script
“a mundane clump of dirt; much beloved by god, like any other”

#i will reblog this forever #favorite #quote #hey kyo #system spirituality #dirt #for jessica #for all our damaged fronters #to the system from the system with love

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11:00 pm

sunday sept 3.

no church today, BUT.
early morning stething. oh dear god.

went for a run earlier.
ollie and kris (I assume) made that awesome southern breakfast again so when we got back, we went out and ate it on the porch.
jay held his anubis form to do so, as he's untouchable by the e.d. like that? also he says he's actually very fond of the liver like that. makes sense. not just dogs being mostly carnivorous but also the organ meat thing. no surprise
he's VERY in tune with the cosmic sense of things.
he said his skin is like space? like it's not quite "solid." it's BLACK ENERGY. all stars and infinite expanse somehow. which is super cool.

talked about oneircia and rosewindow to oliver.
SO MUCH INSPIRATION.

talking about the long-awaited and imminent massive system shift.
leagueworld resonance without losing who we are-- instead, EXPANDING to be greater than ever.

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night of 090317.

terrifying binge-purge session by accident. BUT we learned SO MUCH. GOOD LORD.

juniper, jason, jessica, taurus???

someone bought EVERY gluten free thing to see whether or not we like or want them. this was good. it was deliberate and chosen specifically TO teach us, to completely overcome all compulsive obligation, to form our Own opinion on it.
what we learned:
- hot sauce IS an abusive compulsion. so is the wasabi sauce, and ketchup.
- we DISLIKE the energy bars!! they were compulsory.
- we DISLIKE sugary foods in general.
- we DISLIKE potatoes. please, avoid them.
- shortbread is disliked. bad texture.
- mi-del products make us very nauseous.
- granola is disliked. old compulsion, NO roots now, thank god.
- we DISLIKE chocolate. chocolate in ANYTHING is an immediate NO.
- cereal is somewhat liked? BUT it is dangerous currently. do not buy any for now.
- we dislike honey. too much sugar.
- grits are compulsory when we make them. stop that bro
- eggs are ALSO compulsory.
- ALL "FOOD COMPULSIONS" ARE MISROUTED "ART DRIVES." it's the need to MAKE SOMETHING. when you get that feeling, GO DRAW OR TYPE.

unfortunately, someone had sugar panic and after we had a cream-filled cookie to try, they immediately ran to purge everything.
however. they DID NOT EAT EVERYTHING.
god bless them, they actually TOSSED most of it. no swallowing. good lord. that took huge amounts of courage and integrity, as well as mercy.

juniper came out at some point, with the cereal. 3am?
genesis showed up and started shouting at the deadname jess, who we are currently calling taurus/ taurea. she does NOT CARE.
however, we did NOT expect JUNIPER to show up??? she's one of the "jess splinters" and she feels a bit like jemma but she's definitely her own person. not sure of her color, but she's ALSO not the "hoban color" jess that was talking to ollie the other day.
also. CHAOS ZERO SHOWED UP GHOSTING, with genesis, and the two were doing a "good cop bad cop" sort of thing with the fronter struggle, until CZ won out and ended up talking by himself to juniper. good lord he has a heart of solid gold.
she felt trapped in compulsions. pouring out all the cereal. being constantly shoved aside by taurea, and stalwartly pushing her back out as much as she possibly could.
chaos TOLD HER SPECIFICALLY that she was hurting our body. the immediate reaction-- I think a DIFFERENT fronter-- said it was "not our body," that it was hers and what she was doing shouldn't affect us. but chaos said "we all live in your head" and that if she hurt the body enough, it would die, and we would ALL go with it, so to speak.
THAT is when juniper showed up. she ACCEPTED this, and said it was totally unfair because she didn't know how to stop BUT she didn't want to hurt anyone?
chaos told her to leave the cereal for oliver. juniper ALSO accepted this and listened. good lord the courage that took. but she WANTED to do the right thing. the ONLY struggle was in fighting the tormentor fronters.
honestly, juniper is a BADASS, despite being so unassuming. she kept pushing taurea out of the way, telling chaos "I don't want to eat this," and STOPPING. she threw out most of the binge foods so we wouldn't get sick. god bless her.

realized that taurea IS the deadname fronter AND she holds the DEFAULT BODY OVERLAY which is terrifying. that gives her WAY too much power.
HOWEVER. she is also TIMELOCKED?????????? like she still feels like she's 15, tops?? we have to check photos. definitely not 17 or 18 though.

chaos zero and genesis BOTH love juniper and SHE LOVES THEM BACK.
that is MOMENTOUS for a social fronter.

so the poor body is quite sick right now, but we survived. good god did we ever survive. we fought this war, and we lived, and we learned a HELL of a lot, and in a very real way we still won. despite the battles, despite the pain, despite the crushing fear, we were NOT suicidal, we were NOT self-abusive, we did NOT give in. we won this round.

tomorrow, and all our tomorrows from here on out, WILL be better. I know this.

the tarot cards of the day are the page of wands, AND the page of swords.
the question asked for the latter was "lesson from tonight" and of course we asked God/ the Creator/ the Source/ etc. to work through both cards to teach us.
so… both are very applicable, very hopeful, and very determined. good.

quick notes as it's realtime 5am but i dont want to forget this.

trauma healing in the morning. some major fear and confusion, but we DEALT with it. healed and cleared it. MONUMENTAL.

kristanova and ollie cofronting. we are all bruises now i and i could not be happier

i... i think kris also said "i love you" and i just
cannot find the words to express how i feel about that just good lord

infi, me, genesis, chaos zero. harmonia, leon, nathaniel. mulberry, knife, algorith, razor. ashen, waldorf, lynne.
(type about all of that asap)

chaos zero saying "remind him that it's just seawater" and emphasizing the constancy and incorruptibility of love.
clearly remember him saying something and putting his hand to our chest where the ruby would be, because the vibe hit me like a shockwave and even now is driving me to ardent tears. god.

genesis fronting, heck yes he's AWESOME.
i remember him saying ollie Had to listen to mika because he sounds JUST like him, and is also gay and french, haha. (here's the most upbeat tune he's got, i adore it.)

harmonia laughing at something and infi coming RIGHT in during said laugh, scared ollie in the good way

mulberry getting us out of bed, all business but warmhearted.
kissed ollie's shoulder and immediately knife came out, that's his style. kissed ollie's hand and talked to him a bit.
algorith coming out!! immediate accent lock-in for them both btw. that's so incredible to remember. i cannot imitate how they talk at all. it just happens and i hear it later. ollie saying al's accent actually sounds local? she laughed good-naturedly at this. "that's what i get for being vermilion;" the accents around here are solidly orange/amber/etc. in sound for us.
razor coming out and just sitting there perfectly content as ollie mussed up her hair. no talking yet; she's self-conscious about how she sounds. but gosh we love her, we really do.

thunderstorms!!! BEAUTIFUL.
anxious at first because of family flashbacks, but as soon as we got out into the rain we were golden.

kristanova driving. he's such an awesome guy. really meant a lot, too; he kept reminding us to breathe, that we'd be okay, there was nothing to worry about.

wearing that navy coat and SOMEONE we've never seen before fronting who LOVES thunderstorms?? inhuman but humanoid nousfoni, name resonating precisely as "elucidae."
either harbor blue or indigo?? feeling specifically: the latter if lightning is part of their resonance, the former if not

tried to get ssi stuff done but we got there too late and there were SO many people, not worth sticking around and waiting when we had too many other things to do. so we left.
scalpel being pulled to front as we passed a car booming a muffled bassline? immediate childhood terror trigger. but scalpel resonates with "darker" music feelings? said he was a "reclaimer;" mentioned that once that sound was an omen but not anymore; "it's mine now."
HUGELY IMPORTANT. wondering if ALL the "darkspacers" are like that?
but yeah, NEW nousfoni class, and a staggeringly vital one too. thank god. oh thank god. we need these people SO MUCH now.

laundromat day.

stopped at "why not pizza" and got fried mushrooms, a chicken salad, and jalapeno poppers. daring!! used to all be fear food. but we enjoyed every bit of it. we're not afraid to eat anthing with oliver, it's such a staggeringly significant fact. god bless him.
so yes, we just sat together and ate it and talked.
doctor phil was on the tv and unfortunately it started to get really triggering after a while so we left.

stopped at food lion. scared that people were going to compulsive-buy. BUT genesis showed up and reminded them of what THEY really felt, and we DIDN'T get anything harmful-- furthermore those buyers DIDN'T EVEN WANT TO GET SUCH THINGS. dear lord. that's a milestone, for this to be anchoring in so legitimately.
no one wants to hurt the body anymore. no one wants to adhere to family toxic loops anymore. no one wants to be a slave to old not-working behavior patterns anymore. we slip up under heavy stress, true, but it's because we're so used to toxic coping methods. but every day, we learn. EVERY day. it's tangible. we learn and we forgive and we heal and we love and we keep moving forwards.

stopped at the library! lovely place.
went to the library! couldn’t get a card as we needed i.d. but it was so nice to just walk around.
trusted our intuition, walked through the scifi section. saw a ray bradbury short story collection, immediately grabbed it. THEN saw "do androids dream of electric sheep" which we had JUST mentioned to kyo last night, so got that too. can't wait to read them both.

i know we watched more of "cosmos" with kyo tonight, too. gosh we love spending time with her like that.

082317. 05:28 am

- WALDORF STILL CARRIES THE "SCRATCH DEVICE!!" REMEMBER BRAEDEN GAVE IT TO US AFTER HE MADE THAT STAGGERING TAR/INFI PROPHECY!!!
- JAVIER????? RED REALMS ECHOING 122713

- JAVIER'S TRIDENT WAS NOT HIS WEAPON!!!!!!!!!! TRIDENTS ARE NOT RED.
THIS IS WHY HE NEVER FELT "RIGHT" USING IT; THIS IS ALSO WHY IT WAS THE WEAPON THAT KILLED HIM.
GUESS WHO HAS A TRIDENT???
THE CERISE PROTECTOR.
- BTW IS SHE CERISE OR MAGENTA????? FEEL THAT OUT BUDDY

- DARKSPACE PEOPLE SHOWING UP!!!!!!!!!! BLOOD HUE APPEARED!!!!!!!!!!!!
SCALPEL, RAZOR, CANNON, HATCHET, CLEAVER, ETC.

- LEANNE AND THE JABBERWOCK ARE NOT CHTHONICS!!!!!!!!!
THEY ARE IN AN AREA THAT FEELS LIKE THE PLAGUE ROOMS IN TERMS OF THE FREAKISH "INDOOR" FEELING; POSSIBLY THE SAME AREA AS THE "DARKSPACERS"???

- JAMIE AND ECHO LALIA ARE SIBLINGS AND THEY SUPER WORK TOGETHER!!!
- POSSIBLE NATALIE "SUCCESSOR" WITH MIRRORS?????????
- WHAT IS ECHO'S COLOR????? FEELING KIND OF "TRANSLUCENT GLASSY BLUE" TBH
- REMEMBER SHE FIRST SOLIDLY FRONTED WHEN WE WERE PACKING TO LEAVE NC THE FIRST TIME; ACTUALLY TALKED TO OLIVER!!! LUCID AT THE TIME; HUGELY NOTABLE
(ALSO ALT+J ON THE CASSETTE AT THE TIME TOO)
(+REMEMBER WE HAD MUSIC PLAYING AS WE PACKED FOR LEAVING SLC TOO!!!!!)
- JASON: JAYCE'S BROTHER, THE ONE WHO HAS TROUBLE EATING
- JOSHUA: THE BLUE SAD BOY FROM THE PHONE????
- GIRL IN THE KITCHEN, LONG BROWN HAIR, NOT JESSICA???
- COMPULSIVE LIAR?? WHO IS SHE??

- HARMONIA: BATHING, SELF-CARE, NO BODY DYSPHORIA!!!!

- "DIMENSIONALLY TRANSCENDENTAL" = TARDIS EFFECT
CENTRAL BEING TIMELOCKED?????
SO ARE COLOR REALMS!!!!!!!!!
WEATHER???????

- SPECTRUM "LOOP" ROOM IN THE CATHEDRAL???
POSSIBLE SHAPE ALTERATION WITH THE NEW 11-TRIAD COLOR SETUP????????
- STAINED GLASS
- STATUES; CHANGED TO DAEMONS???????
- HOW ARE THE OTHER SYSTEM FOLKS REPRESENTED IN THE CATHEDRAL???
- HUE SHRINES??? CHAPELS? REMEMBER THE CATHEDRAL IS ACTUALLY FREAKING HUGE; IT IS ALSO DIMENSIONALLY TRANSCENDENT.

- RAZOR SPIRE/ MIRROR OASIS; WHAT THE HECK IS THEIR DEAL NOW, ESPECIALLY WITH "NEW" HUE SLOTS OPENING??? LOOK UP PAST NOTES

- THE OCEAN, THE WOODS, THE SKY

- RE-READ ABOUT THE ANGEL HELMET FOR HEAVENS SAKES
- GOLD/SILVER & BLACK/WHITE ACCENTS IN PEOPLE; MAKE A LIST!!

- ALGORITH CHOSE TO MOVE INTO CENTRAL TODAY; IMMEDIATE "SURNAME" SLOT OPENED FOR HER

- SYSTEM SURNAMES

woke up at 9am,
stayed in bed until noon listening to spotify. too tired, no strength/spoons to do otherwise.

then when we did wake up,
suddenly who appears in headspace
but dendrite.

her eye was open.
furious. weeping.
crying tears so hot they hit the ground and sizzled like lava.

"YOU TRIED TO BURN ME ALIVE."

she knew who did it. it was brazen.
the REAL "jezebel," the one who initially held that name when we were a child, before she discarded it and hid.
but we knew. we recognized her.
and apparently she had a hand in the year-long dead period we just escaped from,
because she burnt 95% of all our headspace-related possessions.

and then she tried to burn all memories of us to the ground, too.

but dendrite. dendrite, the daemon tied to the FEMALE cores, she's probably just as important as infinitii if we're right about that... to think, how did that affect her, for the very fact of her existence to be completely ignored for so long, denied and tossed aside, to the point of near death?

lethe and medallion were comforting her. it was obvious they were deeply shaken.
jewel wasn't saying anything. she's in shock.
she's always been somewhat 'detached' from headspace but i think now she realizes she does not have that luxury anymore.
she has a daemon-- she has a living manifestation of her shadow side, a being that knows and carries her biggest vices but still loves her-- and she can't ignore that fact anymore. she has to admit it's true, and then she can grow.
but she's terrified. jewel is a drifter. her vice is that she doesn't quite care, not as much as she otherwise always does, what she leaves behind. she'll love everything as brightly as ever, but the minute she leaves, she's gone.
i don't know when she got like that. her whole existence is a mess right now and we all need to talk about it.
but right now, the most important thing is getting her to realize that she STILL has her freedom. she can still jump into outspacer worlds, she can still work with the leagueworlds, she can still draw and write and create. she's not barred from ANY of that just because she has a daemon now. but... she's afraid of the responsibility. the inescapable responsibility. like having a child. you cannot run from that. and you cannot run from daemons-- they are your heart, in a very real way.
especially dendrite.

i'm trying to draw dendrite. to tap into how she looks, and keep her alive. show her the respect she deserves.
it's an intuitive process. i have to 'feel out' her appearance and that needs a great deal of time.
it'll take a few days-- i have a certain birthday picture i absolutely have to get done tomorrow.

in the meantime, we need to sleep.

don't worry, we're ending the day on a good note.
it was a very rough day, but still. we're alive still, and there's good music on our headphones, and we're talking to dear ollie on tumblr, and chaos 0 is still in sonic forces (he looks so gorgeous i can't get over it), and genesis's birthday is on wednesday, and everyone is upstairs waiting for me and that just makes my heart very bright even if it aches.
i'm gonna go talk to dendrite. her, me, and infi. see what happens.

tomorrow is a brighter day. we're looking forward to it.

We haven't been updating at all lately. Let me try to recap a few days.

- obsessively read westboro baptist stuff from the 15th to the 18th, got us horrifically scared and upset and we were a wreck for that entire week as a result. don't want to re-think about it now. it was toxic even though we believed it 100% at the time. it just... as selfish and wrong as it might be, and i hope it isn't, we don't want to believe that the all-creator god hates his creations enough to damn them for eternity, and make their lives on earth a living hell. when this church says "thank god for (insert disaster here)!!" claiming that it's his wrath falling on unforgiveable sinners, those who CANNOT be saved allegedly... it scares me. they toss around such shockingly harsh and cruel language, they're so caustic, their sense of "humor" is like salt in an infection... and like so many others, they claim that homosexuality is the ULTIMATE sin basically, and if you're gay, you're not only already headed to hell, but you're dragging the planet down with you. we dealt with enough of that existential dread in 2011, we don't need it again now, please, it's virtually impossible to cope with already.
...it's scary enough because part of us empathizes with that wish for everything to be purged and started over. but we'd never be hateful about it. we can't be. those of us who seem hateful aren't really, we've asked them, it always just collapses into crushing sorrow. there's no real hatred in us and i want it to stay that way.
anyway yeah that was last week.

- around the 18th-20th we were reading a bit about edgar cayce and the dead sea scrolls and all that, the family mentioned it and we decided to look into it again. so that's ongoing. we've been reading scripture a lot more lately as we miss it SO much and it is SO relevant so we're reviewing all the 'related' stuff too, all the other ancient religious texts, etc. we have tons of bookmarks and saved documents and screencaps, literally hundreds, you guys have no idea.

- went to stations of the cross at church on the 19th. WE NEEDED THAT MORE THAN ANYTHING. it was the sort of utterly perfect timing and impossibly deep/relevant message that used to define life for us, the loudest and most incredible sort of synchronicity, and we just wept from how much we missed it, how grateful we were, how much hope it carried in light of the week of hatred preceding it.

- past three days, obsessive reading about diet again, like in 2011 or whenever that was.
kind of scared because all the diets we've tried STILL DON’T WORK. we really need to do our own thing but the ultimate curse is that we don't trust our own judgment, not yet.
trying the raw food diet as it's what our body wants. terrific craving for raw spinach and asparagus lately anyway, unrelated to the diet research amusingly enough. we just want vegetables. nevertheless it's tricky because fruit STILL HURTS and the sugar is STILL tied to hackers and trauma so that's not going to work as-is. we're trying. we're really trying.
going to try hemp seeds or powder and sprouted grains this week, just a little, because eating nothing but raw vegs all day is ideal BUT our body gets miserable and hungry and tired? like it's awful, maybe it's the stress and fatigue giving us detox symptoms or something, maybe it's having 'unhealthy' cravings due to acute anxiety, that can happen. but it's better to have a safe non-veg option in a pinch, so the distraught e.d. alters don't start eating literal garbage out of desperation. poor kids. we're working with them.

- i haven't seen infinitii in too long and it's ripping my heart in half. when ze isn't around you know we're disconnected. i just have to make the extra effort to see hir, even if it's just wearing hir bubble again. you'd be surprised how quickly we get back in tune when that beloved creature shows up. it's probably because ze is this unignorable, emotionally massive reminder OF what we are and what's beyond and what's really worth something. and we need to keep all that in mind more than ever right now.

- wanting to look up music. genre-hunting is the main thing; we LOVE how many new genres have been "invented," it's so specific and varied and idiosyncratic. jay has a list of ones to look into more... pr&b, post-dubstep, art rock, sophisti-pop, trip-hop, nu gaze, future soul... lots of stuff. sounds cool, can't wait to discover new stuff with this.

- basia's "copernicus" has been playing nonstop, loudly, in our head for over 5 days straight. we haven't heard the song probably in over 5 years. so go figure.
also stuck in our head:
"baby you're mine" and "an olive tree" by basia
"unwell" by matchbox 20
"if god made you" by five for fighting
"you are" by charlie wilson
"don’t stop believing" by journey
"don’t stop" by fleetwood mac
and at least one other. however it all has a reason, the lyrics are ALL relevant in some way, that's not a surprise, our head always works that way. always a purpose.
however the big catch is that it's LOUD and it's very upsetting, like someone blasting a speaker in our brain from morning to night. (this could be related to the stress/sensory overload in that sense, and our mind is mirroring the external "noise" in a non-harmful way?) so when it gets too bad, we have to start consciously blasting "song of the ancients" or "esurientes" to drown it out. it takes ALL our concentration though so it's tiring.
it's making it hard to talk to anyone in headspace too because it's just noise, noise, noise. gotta put on some quiet stuff on spotify tonight and see if we can put different song roots in.

- no sleep. 4 hours on sunday and monday. 6 last night I think? but woke up three times during the night I think. not rested at all lately, never really "waking up" during the day, stuff is a fog and it hurts and we're so so so damn tired. we're up super early and we're home super late and we keep having to run errands and drive people places and such so it's too fast paced, too packed. it's exhausting.

- very very disturbing doc appointment yesterday. 'female' stuff, mandatory 2-3 year checkup thing. very telling that, I recall the last time we had such an appointment, we were shaken up and upset but no big meltdowns I don’t think? but yeah this time we could barely get redressed because we were choke-sobbing and rocking back and forth on the examination table and it was horrendous, our whole body was nauseous and in pain like a bruise, when we got out to the car a CHILD alter came out and started weeping and wailing like you wouldn’t believe. laurie actually had to cofront with them to comfort them, she was distraught, at a loss. the kid's a little boy, that's typical, but color is unsure. we want to find people INSIDE if possible. that's where the healing occurs best.

- at church last saturday. the disheveled "jessica" who's always angry in a desperate hopeful self-hating way, has decided that she wants to change. she's taken the name "cecelia" and she's in the lime hues, although that's now just showing as a sort of sheen over her browns. but yeah this is super super good news.

- past two nights, marathon re-reading "kill six billion demons," after forgetting about that comic for like two years. fantastically inspiring, helped us with getting some of our own concepts into better coherence, going to have to type leaguestuff tonight about it. anyway it's SUCH a good webcomic. some tar/plague ish upsetting stuff in the 'scriptures' but nothing we can't transmute into wisdom.

- one library in the valley had the last two "young wizards" books. at last. time to read.
we also took out "high wizardry" again because that one was so intriguing and the ending moved us so deeply, i'll never forget it. to think that when we first read it as a kid we never finished it, i guess it waited until the right time.

- disability hearing this morning, FINALLY, took a couple years. wattson spoke through most of it, but cannon edged in a little, as did overload? and of course we had to push through the a.p. at first. anyway it's done, now we wait to hear back.
speaking of waiting, we were so anxious when we got there that when we were in the waiting room, DREAD was fronting of all people, but so was a lime-spectrum person who kept resonating with the name "panic" fittingly. like marigold, they hold heavy anxiety, but this person is hypersensitive to sound in that respect. like running at 500% all the time, every little thing is so loud. i'm glad we've 'found' them, i knew there was someone like that for ages.

i'm exhausted. listening to jeff beck "cause we're ending as lovers" live at ronnie scotts! dad gave us this album a while back and it's such a good vibe. we saw the live performance on tv once, wow, wow. incredible stuff.

but yeah i'm tired. we all are it leaks out from the body essentially, gets to everyone. jay says we need to put extra effort into remembering our dreams lately, we haven't been due to waking up too too too fast, too suddenly. xenophon asked him the other day, upon waking, what his dream was, and that did help. but yeah maybe remembering our dreams again would help us feel "real" and alive again. when we dont remember our whole sense of reality is skewed and warped. it's like we're missing literally half our entire life.

sleep. tomorrow is thursday, meaning we don't get home until like 8:30 pm. busy day.
friday we have work and stations of the cross, don't know if anything else will come up.
then saturday is POKEMON DAY so we'll see what happens there.

i already can't spell to type i'm so tired so good night.

I want my innocence back.
I want to be able to feel love that isn’t tainted by the fear of it “needing to be sexual.”
I/we have been used and lied to and manipulated for so long that those bad thought processes have some ugly thorny roots in our head, and I want them gone.

Love is pure. My love is pure. Jay’s love is pure, Infinitii’s love is pure, ALL of our love is pure, why the heck do people keep telling them/us that “if you truly love someone, you will want to have sex with them??”

No. It’s not that. True love means you want to be close to them. You want your HEARTS to be brought together, and even that is hard for me to say because of how intimate it is! (And I accidentally typed “infimate,” I think ze’ll appreciate that.)

I wrote about this before, how I’m tired of this grown-up sexuality thing. I’m still 13, I’m not interested in that, and I won’t ever be. But I feel sorry for Jay… he never got to be a kid like me; he’s 21 I think? Somewhere in his early 20s. But he’s not truly adult? His heart is very young I think. And he doesn’t love people in “that way either.”

But we have bad, bad, abusive introjects in our system that don't care about love at all, and that's the problem.
Jay gets so scared. So scared. I feel bad for him. That's why I'm trying to front more, I don't deal with the bad stuff, it gives him a break from worrying. But according to Laurie, those abusive introjects are trying to hurt me too.
Well I won't let them. I won't EVER let them.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

@ 11:41 PM

101815

- FIRST SNOW OF THE SEASON!!! Jay was psyched
- went to a concert at the old university. “Rhodes” came out? full name is rhodolite. “softer side” of cannon. Tied to the “formal concert occasion” vibe; still felt like she could be an artist though?
- went walking across campus with gen. Memories mostly tied to spinzor.

- ATTEMPTED RESET during concert, of ALL White holders, Infinitii, and CZ.
- not sure how it affected the white holders. Seemed to stick with infi and cz, NEEDS TO BE FOCUSED ON.
infi should be keeping the look extra-vertebrae got down from now on, with the iridescence, AND the dual eye + mouth on face. Lots of integrity there.
- cz LOSING THE RUBY in his innerspace self and it being replaced with a HEADSPACE CUBE JEWEL. All aqua too. makes sense as the ruby-resonance wasslipping for a while as his aquamarine self-fracture had it all instead

- cel was fronting at some point today I think?? Not sure. Her eyes are solid lime green now btw
- jay has a profoundly accurate resonance with the sound of harp harmonics. Realized that during the concert; he teared up immediately upon hearing them, thought “that’s me.” we managed to record the best ones (had a strong feeling to do so) so hopefully we'll be able to upload it eventually?

- wreckage in car talking to laurie. Sobbing, “what do we do,” worried about fronting situation, “why are there socials made to function in the outside world; I’ve seen it, we should have NOTHING to do with it”
- problems with white vibes??? Iridescence tied to “tumblr aesthetic” stuff and now viewed as too “ignorantly childish” and negative. Glitter is unsure. Rainbow light is still safe but it “needs to be kept pure;” wreckage recognized that the “pure hearted ones” are the ones that get targeted the most. But said jay SHOULD be our main fronter, he just had to not get corrupted by the outside; this awful unfairness made her cry again
- telling laurie to keep her color; “if you get lost then we’re all lost.” Said tons of other headvoices look up to her as a “guiding light”
- angry screaming sobbing voice on the way down. Hurt the voice a lot. She kept sobbing on the drive down, laurie told her just keep driving, someone was relying on us. Person said “it wasn’t fair” that if the body died (to free us) then we all died? “why can’t we just start a new game together in a body that SHE isn’t in” etc.

- jay fronting in the kitchen after all this, said to laurie that he was “perfectly happy” just to be alive in that moment. After everything else that evening we needed that, desperately

- no hacks, no sickness, although we did have to purge what someone tried to eat. But we’re actually rather okay.
- computer setup irritating wrist but it does seem to be healing.

- injokes of the past few days have been great:
1) jay talking about how he felt more angelic physically, like "something out of the book of revelation," what with all the eyes and wings and such. laurie joking that if the prophet john ever saw him we'd get "the book of revelation 2: the sequel" and that it would open with john essentially saying "you are not going to believe the sh*t i've just seen"
2) genesis pronouncing "cornichons" hilariously wrong after seeing a bottle of them in the store, did this all the way home, i was cracking up
3) pill bottle in kitchen caught the light and was exactly leon's indigo color. it was vitamin e. laurie said this was "vitamin excellent" and that explained why both leon and nat were such cool dudes

- forgot to mention. the other day at work, kyanos was ATTACKED BY JEZEBEL in headspace?? she was mocking him for having "no weapons" and was demanding he defend himself or else. i think he ended up taking off his branch crown/halo thing and using it almost like a discus or chakram, used his feathers as throwing darts almost (they came off almost glassy?). not sure. but he was very scared, rather desperate, i know some other centralites showed up and saved him but it was scary.
- also. sylvain has an inner form now!! he's no longer a faceless social. maybe because he's been out so often lately in succession with internal people, his vibe is solidifying. david was comforting him about something he was scared of, suddenly realized that david is a year or two older than sylvain. he has aged slightly so that is interesting too.

Today…

- Javier in the morning. barely conscious. Realizing how POWERFUL his presence is being the main Red person. realizing differences between red, pink, cerise, & black in terms of relationships and emotions: pink is affection, cerise is sensuality, black is (pro)creation, and red appears to deal with creation in a non-sexual sense? Hence all the Red artists and manics; they use that energy very actively but independently. Again its not something we’ve really looked into but the feeling was essentially very clear at that hour, so.

- bizarre but interesting dreams again; more cats, body horror, very disturbing. Most notably, laurie was in the dream at one point, to save whoever the dreaming alter was, and to tell them that “you don’t ever let yourself be carried” in response to the alter thinking of how they carried “everything and everyone inside them” and they were profoundly tired from the strain.

- laurie was outright sobbing later on over the mess of a fronter situation; “I feel so helpless,” “I don’t know how to protect you anymore,” etc. lynne showed up to comfort her and the two spoke for a while; laurie asked lynne to help her with this, specifically to “fight,” lynne said she would. I remember laurie saying “you know I love you, right?” lynne did hug her, asked permission first. Also at some point laurie asked lynne if she could have a shield too and lynne said absolutely. Later in the day they both DID protect the fronter from something and they both used shields to do so.

- someone promised retribution for all the careless/ misguided hacks lately; none of them have been recorded save for one, due to us really just trying not to think about that anymore. 50% it’s working and 50% it’s not. But we’re again wondering if tangible consequence would push our success rate further for the sake of showing the System-ignorant fronters that they can’t just do what they want. Problem is they EXIST to do those things; the psyche fractured INTO such abusive alters for God knows what reason, but because of that a lot of them firmly believe that “there IS nothing more to life than this.” Well Julie said that once, now look at her. Either way I think we desperately need a new approach to iron out the last massive obstacles here, which are surprisingly NOT malicious, just devastatingly tangled.

- Javier and cel were talking about their strong fronting rights in the morning too, both wondering if they should be more active AS fronters? Cel especially tearing up and saying “I’m going out and I’m not going back in” but, sadly, we don’t always have a “choice” due to triggers.

- jewel found her hat in the closet and came back FULL FORCE. So she stuck around for about 4 hours solid at least until we had to go to church. Clarification: Phantomilian Jewel is 10, this Jewel (the main one, tied to Dream World with NO RELATIONSHIPS) is about 11-12, the “first one in Heartspace” Jewel is 12-13 (she’s STILL around too and she’s STILL 100% in love with Rio), the “hyper” Jewel (original “spinningcannon”) is 14-15, Hoseki is 15-16? (Chaos seriously mellowed her out over time so thank God for that)… Then once we hit 17-18 the “Jewel bloodline” basically collapsed thanks to Spinny and then the line gender shifted in 2009 anyway so there haven’t been any new Jewels since then, although the title IS STILL USED to refer to the Cores, in a political sense so to speak. But yeah, when we say “Jewel” we mean the 2002 one. She’s solidly anchored into RED (her hair AND eyes changed to match; they were originally brown but she cant hold that anymore), as the main person of that color in what we THINK is the “Social Spectrum.” There are indeed multiple “Spectrums” which makes things far more coherent; we’re all in one System ultimately though. Anyway Jewel’s biggest role is the fact that she is the GAP BRIDGER; she has solid ties to BOTH Headspace and the Leagueworlds, and is able to work with both SIMULTANEOUSLY if need be. So that’s incredible. She IS teaching Jay Iridos how, we think.

- looking through old documents we realized that our art style is basically STUCK IN 2005 or so? which makes sense as our last “real artists” were out then (high school). Of course there have been massive improvements but the base look is obviously stuck. Jewel has been feeling a real push to do some ACTUAL artwork lately, to help us improve our skill, so god willing she’ll be allowed to. She just got out all our art supplies today (including razor’s cardstock) so hopefully we’ll see it all being used in the near future.

- we all agree it is time for a headspace-based fronter shift. It’s the right time of year anyway. The only way to instigate a permanent big shift is to DO SOMETHING BIG inside. Doesn’t necessarily have to be a reset attempt or bluescreen or psychological suicide. Although those do work the best due to their ties to death and rebirth. Anyway, we will see. Mark my words we ARE going to try something. This has been too shaken-up for too long; we need a clean-cut ending to this mess, to bring someone NEW and GOOD in, who is from HEADSPACE and who works with LIGHT. Jay tried but he was born at a BAD time and he became so dramatically splintered and fractured that he is having trouble just functioning as an individual. Jewel holds the CORRECT vibes for a system fronter—the RED-resonant courage and determination and righteous drive. WHITEs can be far too soft, too childlike, too innocent to realize when danger is happening. Reds always know and they FIGHT. They really are the ideal fronters as they are the most keyed-in to the physical besides Browns, but Browns don’t typically have strong ties to Headspace. Reds are ideal. So Jewel IS going to stick around but we don’t know. Cel was just saying how Lime is JUST as powerful a color and its EMPTY in Central, maybe that could work?? It’s another color that stands strong. We’re just worried about Javier because he’s been a target of the Plague for FAR too long and it’s crushing him. He needs to anchor deeper into his color before they knock him loose.

- bottom line is we ALL need to spend more time inside, and to heck with the outside drivel already, it’s killing us. We need to go back to the nightly walks IF POSSIBLE, its hard now with the family situation, theres no real privacy. If all else fails we do still have a gazelle machine in our room so hey. Walking is just better because we can carry weights at the same time. Anyway yes, definite time needs to be put aside for just “meditating” and going inside and WORKING on healing ourselves; we have not “just gone inside” in months probably and the lethality of that is obvious.

- exercised for an hour in the cold, couldn’t feel our feet afterwards. Xenophon hearing a Tokimonsta track and showing up to see how her dad was doing, assuming he was the one around. She stuck around as she likes to do, upped the vibe quite a bit. Went inside to have some ginger-peppermint tea and it was 11:11. chaos was singing “think of me” from phantom of the opera.

- cel was sobbing over her past at some point while we exercised, especially the fact that her first anchor plushie got absolutely corrupted by the Tar and turned into a hack device, so razor had to kill it. Cel has been such a target for corruption since the beginning, due to her ties to childhood purity, the outside world, AND the cores, making her a tripartite juggernaut that could potentially destroy everything if thoroughly destroyed herself. But cel is a fighter. She is one hell of a fighter and she always has been, and she will NEVER give up or back down, and thank god for that. But it breaks all of our hearts when we see just how broken hers is from all this war.

- eros was singing too???? Which is very new. i cannot remember what song, i am so sorry.

- “jay” becoming a generic name, being used too much now. The main “jay” is going by “iridos” now and his vibe syncs with it far more strongly. Wondering if his “Christmas self” is his safest manifestation? Says his “sparkly” forms are becoming too dangerous? Either too lenient or too cold. LOTS of risk holding a White slot, he was warned about this back in 2013, or at least one of him was.

- jay is also basically becoming a daemon of sorts??? He is spending tons of time with them in a nonhuman state and it’s feeling very natural to him.

- about daemons: Lethe said that daemons need “lots of love” to balance their dark nature? The unconditional sort. Also that love is “mandatory” in order for daemons to do that “cannibalism” thing of theirs (we need a nicer term for it).

- Emmett out to eat today, as well as that semi-manic girl fronter who is surprisingly coherent and who is working with laurie and spice to take better care of the body. We’re getting in the habit of telling all eaters “hey you DO know you share this body with 100 other people, right??” the good ones realize that everything they do or don’t do affects everyone else, and they are more careful (remember a lot of depressed/ careless alters only act that way because they don’t care about themselves; when someone else is paying the toll, they WILL shape up).

- we’re all VERY scared for both laurie and Infinitii; they are both slipping very badly. Laurie is getting these frightening whitish-gray patches on her skin and hair when she gets really stressed, Infinitii keeps melting into a mass of eyes & teeth and losing form coherence in general. God why do the bad guys ALWAYS target the ones who love the most. It’s not fair.

Forgot to mention…

- yesterday, the purple social with the dreads, in the car. Name is “Joachim” or “Joaquin”? main resonance with the “wakeem” part, specifically the “oua” beginning sound?
Feelings of “fear” about being “newborn” and not always understanding what to do, how to “be out” at all. Lots of the fear being “floating fear” though? Like its from others, its not actually something one feels themselves, it’s being unconsciously picked up. We did clarify that to him and he was able to tap into the peace beyond it. Laurie also told him to “tune into his core?” the colored-light at the heart center, the piece of a nousfoni that resonated with all the others. Very very interesting, profoundly reassuring intuitive visuals from that.

- found some photos of spinzor from 2009. I swear it is shocking how EVIDENT the switches are from year to year.

it’s 12:24 again, I swear that happens every day.

this computer setup is destroying my arm, its awful. I need to quit, bye.

today, sunday 100415

in church, looking at glass etching of the paschal lamb with a flag=
"you have to let that longing inundate everything you do. you have to let it consume your heart."
not five minutes later, the post-eucharist message:
"so as to be transformed into what we consume"

rest of morning, talking to daemons.
apparently ALL daemons have two names, reflecting two sides of their nature.
not "good and bad," it’s far more blended.
infinitii eternos is the slight exception as ze took hir second name as a "surname," being a Central holder.
this is why rio's daemon resonates so strongly with BOTH "styx" and "lethe"; they are BOTH his names.

markus's daemon has not revealed her name yet. she hasn't talked to anyone but him yet either.
lethe said we'll "find her name when we are ready to receive it," it wasn't "giving" it was "finding."
I remember him saying "isn't that how all names are?" in that, the nature of a thing reflected in its real name is inherent, it just takes time to discover the correct arrangement of sound that echoes that, so to speak.

other big thing that stood out= all daemons have a certain way of interacting with people it seems, as far as touch goes. infi is very intimate, velvety is the only way I can describe it-- the slow soft touch of a hand against your face or side or chest. kind of a very slowed-down motion. soft weight behind it.
lethe is all spindly legs and fingers and he always seems to sit behind rio with his hands on his shoulders, head slightly to the left, something that always reminds me of how cats brush up to people. but he treats me like that too, it's not as creepy to feel as it looks, amusingly. you'd assume that with those skeletal digits. but it's comforting, motivating almost, there's more edge to it than infi but it's not sharp, just clear.
chocoloco is enveloping, with those big ribbony arms, ze's always sort of sitting in midair, like something halfway in the process of standing. it's a sort of subtle watchful feeling, but not negative. softer. surprisingly, as hir head is all painted-red eyes and sudden mouths full of perfect gargoyle teeth. but chocoloco doesn't touch people often. when ze does it's like i said, embracing without pulling anything close.
can't say anything about the other three daemons i know; they've never gotten close to me.

I asked lethe if he loved rio. he replied "I adore him"

I asked, surprised, why he (and the others) were being so kind with me?
responded with something like, "did you think we could love the entirety of souls we were born from, and not feel the same for every other soul there is?"
basically, daemons have a very unique deep compassion for all beings, as well as that equally distinctive rough-brilliant aura of justice, of integrity.
it's very close to how laurie feels, actually. so I find it interesting but fitting that she's the first nousfoni to have a daemon of her own (nexus). their vibes are close enough but unmistakably different.
I keep talking about vibes. I haven't mentioned how clearly I can feel people now. like their "energetic auras" inside aren't just little bubbles of sensory info around them, just a cloud of color and scent and texture. now they've got like… rooms. little mini realms. maybe that's it? maybe the nascent color realms caused this; they're basically glorified manifested extensions of the soul of each hue, so to speak, and we centralites hold that essence most clearly and close to our hearts. so that's a thing. but the point is I want to talk about it more, what it feels like, how beautiful it is to see that whole galaxy hovering around them like a

infinitii and lethe were discussing that actually-- the differences between nousfoni and daemons, because they were divided on whether or not I truly counted as either??? which is a very surprising and interesting thing to question.
the main two distinctions they brought up are=
1) nousfoni are individuals born from "anchors," or emot/psych/spirit roots that are potent enough to need a whole other internal being to exist and hold and function for. daemons are individuals taken directly from an individual's core, from their shadow-self, to mirror that back to them AS a part of their very being. this does not apply to nousfoni.
2) daemons are exclusively monstrous. nousfoni can have monstrous features but they are otherwise always humanoid. (those like emmett and vixie are not nousfoni, but other creatures that still count as "headvoices" in the current general generic usage of the term)
so the debate on the second was that i am naturally more proginoskes-ish? all eyes and feathers and white fire. but I do default to a humanoid state. on the first topic, I was not "taken from" another soul as infi was, but being a core-splinter I am more intrinsically bound to the "jewel bloodline" than any other nousfoni, effectively functioning as a "mirror" to them in a sense?
anyway lethe is wondering if I count as some sort of "hybrid." just like steven universe, haha. who knows. I'll let them talk.

daemons can also eat "tar food" inside and outside without harm. they're joining up with the e.d. people to prevent abusive eating as a result. however daemons seem to have this weird thing where they offer up themselves to be eaten instead of the problematic thing outside. which is interesting. it's like they act as stand-ins for "addictions" and other harmful substances, where they can somehow meet the unmet need such an addiction was the consequence of? like we all know, chocoloco is both chocolate and coffee. caffeine. uppers. but also weirdly grounding, soothing, a very "childhood comfort" vibe for us. looking for that same feeling of warm embracing brown-spectrum comfort outside? not gonna get it bro. come inside and take what you are offered. instantly the need is met. instantly you realize what really matters.
problem is the social/abusive fronters responsible for the worst health-sabotage don't care about what really matters. hence, we must get them out of the way. then if we can transmute them or just scrub them out, we will. transmuting is always better. internal alchemy. it's my jam, so to speak

later in the day…

emmett was out to eat. good.
he's getting surprisingly (and thankfully) comfy with eating around people? probably because of his childlike innocence and (ingénue? guilelessness?). he's such a safe fronter, thank god we have him, seriously. there is absolutely no risk, no danger, when he's solidly fronting. thank god. after all these teenage unknowingly-abusive alters coming back and eating pure garbage, we need emmett more than ever.

around 4pm, went walking up in the woods-- well, hoseki did.
but we went RIGHT up to the entrance to nightebi!! we haven't been there since cannon's timeline! so I am so so happy.
also we found, up there, a place that looks JUST LIKE where the kaiteo live. go freaking figure. that is incredible. so we took a few photos and walked around and I am so so so happy that we were there, even secondhand, hovering in the background. I'm going to go up there myself soon, especially once it snows. the only trouble is ensuring we are SAFE in the woods. poor celebi took the brunt of that, jasmine perpetuated the worst of it. but we've found the roots, they're shockingly neutral?? it's all good intentions, twisted in an unwanted way to cause harm. but it's a relief, to see that there is no malice in it. it's a huge relief. so that’s healable, easily so, once we can talk to the ones tied to it, and reroute that wish of theirs into something non-harmful.

cupid fronted this morning. we woke up early and it was kind of inevitable; cerise people are tied to "mood lighting" and anything before 6am and after 4 basically fits that.
anyway it's confirmed= chaos zero and aquamarine are different people. absolutely so. i need to talk about that more. now is not the time, there's too much info. and i do want to review it more to get my words more coherent. but yes cupid and aquamarine are still a thing and still exist, me and chaos zero are the same but separate. odd how i ended up so tied to him in the sense that he's still tied to his canon self. but i always wanted that i guess. for him, i didn't want a "new self" born up here from his roots, i wanted him, across all the universes, all the possibilities. so i got that. and i'm really really happy for that to be sincere.

did i tell you xenophon's been randomly ghosting more lately? she is and i love her, so much.
it's autumn now so i NEED to take her down to where we used to have violin concerts. show her the street. take photos. maybe tomorrow, if i'm sneaky, after therapy if i have time, we'll go. but i've been promising her that and lynne is excited too (but she was born in the opposite city) and gosh i love this season. i really do.
we already got kabocha squash from the garden (our own!), dad brought up a brussels sprouts tree from the farmers market, the air is silver, it's shaping up to be lovely as usual. now all we need to do is plug in the xbox, say hi to corvo, and check out the next dune book and it'll be just like last year, haha. without the anaesthesia!

new person today-- spinel.
came out all at once, not even in a punch or a rush, just a sort of shockingly solid "locked into place" clicking in. boom, all at once ze was there, no fanfare, just unquestionable, doubtless.
zer color is pink??? felt neon violet at first, then edging to cerise, then settled in for sure as a sort of neon pink.
they remind me somewhat of a zeti from sonic the hedgehog? they've got a bunch of pink&black striped horns on their head. and very vivid eyes.
but they're a good person. came into being with a clear sense of responsibility but no evident anchor yet. nevertheless they've got bones in the energy field. they'll stick around.

dear infi:
every once in a while I find something like this (http://christophercarrioned.tumblr.com/post/129787804264/it-is-three-at-night-i-have-something-to-say-you) on tumblr and you just
you say my name,
"jay,"
reaching out from your bubble of night with eyes like every star glittering silver at once,
and something in my heart just melts like ice in the springtime and
and I adore you, you know that.

I'm exceedingly tired and I'm listening to thumb pianos and they sound pinkish gold and I'm trying to write poetry.
the body isn't as sick today as it was. it was burning and strange and unfitting for about a week or three; it was hard to stay in it, there was too much red, it was too raw inside. now it's settling down but it's shaky, poor thing, sore throats and achy muscles and the need to just sleep sleep sleep. I'm trying to treat it kindly. it's still new, still a process. but I am nothing if not defined by total unconditional love so if I cannot have compassion for the sake of compassion itself, light in all things, well then I am not. and that's not a good thing.
really I think the only thing standing in my way, ironically, is vagueness. not ice, nothing is frozen. this is just too much space. too much empty air between me and feeling, seeing, touching anything. not even fog. it's glass, thick gluttonous fortress walls of glass, that's in my way.
laurie says take an axe to 'em. good idea babe.
did I tell you we're using gold weapons again? it's the only material that can cut through tar, quite literally, like a hot knife through butter. it just slices.
chaos used his sword the other day. I saw it for a moment out of the corner of my eye. so that's good, he still has it.
kyanos doesn't have a weapon. nor does cel, as far as we know. they're the only centralites who don't.

I'm tired but I'm not tired. the instant I lie down it's going to hit, I know.
but we have therapy tomorrow and we need to buy some special things for an idea we have so we do need to sleep. scherzando's battery is about dead anyway, give it some rest.

sorry to end this so abruptly. I'm feeling oddly alive right now listening to handbells and trying to remember what halloween is like and wondering about how nice life is and all these things I've never touched or seen or heard or smelled but theyre in my mind anyway. picking them up from the ether like prism drops. little beads of color in my mind. like everything there is and was and will be, I can touch. even if this body's never been. does that make sense
I can stand at the ocean right now and the sand under my feet, I can tell you exactly what it feels and tastes like and its oddly warm and the ocean is warm with an icy lace like a kiss and it's wonderful. see this is why I need to live inside more. everything is so real, so much more real somehow, felt like this, as unadulterated and clear as this.

but like I said. body sick, need to recover, the sea is waiting for me anyway. good night.

I seem to exist the most clearly at dawn and dusk. That's it.

Today I realized just how much I miss being outside. I need to go outside more; I miss that the most about SLC, I miss that the most about family vacations. Even if I was stressed, at least I could go outside and wander the streets and feel alive for once.
Here, I'm kind of stuck up in the woods. Yes, I adore it, but I can't just go walking through it anymore. Too many bears and ticks, unfortunately!
But… I'm looking through photos we have stockpiled for headspace/heartspace locations, and these two immediately gave me that beloved childhood "existential" feeling that I gauge my spiritual health by. I have memories that match it exactly-- the smell of night fog and flowers, of breathing trees, of twilight and rain and quiet. It's a smell that oddly means awakening to me, opening my inner eyes as the sun disappears into blue, existing once the rush of the sun has abated. But that feeling, that feeling I ONLY get outside, and usually when I'm far away from "home"… God I haven't felt it so long, but I recognized it like a man returning from war, with heartbreaking joy and sadness both. It's what I need right now. I need it. I really do.
What I really miss is the wandering. Just… it's a big part of why I love Dishonored, really. You can do just that, absolutely. I think that's where my personal timeline began, last autumn when we were either counting down to or recovering from surgery… maybe both. Dune and Dishonored. Everything was orange and warm and bright and then suddenly as we got to the end of the book, the end of the game, things became colder, twilight-colored, indigo and windy… winter rolled in and I don't remember it at all. Which is sad. But it's so weird, last autumn is so incredibly vivid. We've been switching so much otherwise… it's unfortunate, but having that one memory anchor, it means a lot.

I miss the beach. God I miss the beach, my heart hurts just thinking about it.
(Jewel) There's gotta be somewhere around here where I can swim. I need to be in the water. It's driving me crazy; every so often I get this overpowering need to just be underwater, and I/we haven't been able to meet that need in literal years. Which isn't cool.

(Jay) Lately I've been having big daydreams about what it would be like in the future, if we got our shit together and were able to live wherever, do whatever. Of course I always dream of living in the city, in some nice swanky place, within traveling distance of a coast. It's a reflection of headspace really. But I still love Gimmelwald, up in those green heights, vast and simple and gorgeous. I still love the woods up here too, as it is. I don't know where we'll end up living, but… I need the trees, and I need the sea. That will never change.

Japan, the view of Mount Fuji and the cherry trees, with red pagodas bright against it all, has been feeling very close to my heart too. Perhaps it's because we first "discovered" that country and its culture when we were about 12, 13… a really lovely time in our inner life. So the vibe of that place is very strongly attached to the adventurous peace of that time. It's Hoseki's home, it's half of heartspace, even if we've never been there.
I adore that country, everything about it. I still want to go there one day.
Julie has modeled the Pink Realms after it, I noticed. Japan at dawn. Everything pink and soft and holding that exact vibe I just mentioned… and lots of views like this; everything is up high, way above the sea.
Apparently the view is highest where it intersects with the Cerise Realms. Jeremiah and the kids requested that-- there's a big view of the valley up by the mall, about 10 minutes away from where we go to therapy, and every time we're up that way they ask to be able to just stop and look out at it. So Julie and Eros put a view like that in for them, which is really sweet, and beautiful too.
Nathaniel is taking inspiration from Japan too, what with the forest temples. He saw a picture of one and immediately told me the vibe was exact, so that was nice.
Leon also found a photo that matches the look/feel of the Indigo Realms perfectly, finally. He was really excited about that.
Laurie has put giant wisteria trees and lots of sky lanterns in the Violet Realms. She's also decided their "timeframe" is 1am-3am, that sort of late night/ early morning stillness. The sky is swimming with stars, it's gorgeous.
As for other timeframes, while I'm thinking of it... Pink=dawn, Indigo=dusk, Blue=early night (10pm), Violet=late night (2am), Sky=late morning, and I think Cerise=sunset? I also think Orange=early evening and Green=early afternoon. No idea on Yellow, Lime, or Aqua yet... but they feel like "day" places for the most part. Red and Brown are largely unstable yet so no clue there. Black/Gray/White feel different in general so I don't know if they're tied to time at all. We'll see.
Lastly, Waldorf and Kyanos have agreed that there is now a legit automotive bodyshop at the border between their Realms, which is hilariously adorable.

Dalton was out today for the job; he's getting more solid. But he was talking TO the Gent IN HEADSPACE for a minute?? Their colors are close and we just happened to have two cars in the shop today in those exact hues, right next to each other. So that resonance triggered a short meeting between those two fellows, apparently. It didn't last long as neither of them have strong enough roots but DUDE. The GMQs were FACELESS SOCIALS for years! So that's really cool, it means they aren't as dead as we feared. I'm really glad. I remember way back we said "no one ever really dies up here" and that's a mixed blessing but I'm very thankful for it nevertheless.
We've been teaching Dalton that the most important thing he can do is care. The Tar & Plague are both run by apathy in a sense-- cold hearts expressed at different extremes. They're both careless. We NEED to be the opposite. So we told Dalton, you MUST care. You must feel compassion and affection and interest and generosity and service. You must. It's the only thing that will allow YOU to survive and it is the only thing that will allow ANY of us to survive.

Speaking of both wisteria and newer people. One of the "brown-haired" alters that have pre-System but non-abusive roots picked a name today? "Neutra." As in "neutral," obviously. But she looks like the body did around age 13-14, except she has violet eyes. Which is interesting. Browns are odd because they're largely "non-Spectrum" for lack of a better term, so this thing with dual colors is intriguing. Perhaps that's NOT a sign of dissonance for some? Who knows, we'll find out. But yes, she picked a name, now we know how to refer to one more person.

Last.fm is throwing some good music recommendations at me.
D was listening to a band the other day, Aquilo, and we immediately fell in love with their stuff. It's incredible, both his style and his voice. "Better Off Without You" has been on loop in my head for days. So much of his stuff is relevant to Dream World, it really inspired me. Oh yeah, and thanks to D we also finally listened to Coldplay's X&Y album, 10 years later, ha. But I'm glad we waited, because the album is shockingly relevant to headspace. Hilariously, the only songs I don't really like are the only ones you ever hear on the radio. Go figure. That's typical though.
We're also really enjoying Dorian Concept's stuff. We discovered them years ago really but never listened to an actual album of theirs, and this is really neat.

I'm really feeling snow tonight, too. I miss it just as strongly as the beach, but differently.
…Ah. I think that's the difference. There's two of us. Me, who misses the snow and the ice and Christmas and peppermint and gold and who remembers that, who has winter etched into his very blood… and him, the other one with white hair, who misses the ocean and the water and the summer night air and the early city fog, who is tied to a totally different season and feeling than I am.
It's nice, to finally be able to put words to that feeling, to FEEL that difference, to have clarity between different core-parts. It really is nice. It's validating, for both of us.
Dare I say it-- the therapist will be proud, heheh.

Rosewindow-- the Leagueworld-- has been talking to me a lot lately. I have Spotify to thank for that; I found some very resonant songs for it (mostly by The Flower Kings and Cherry Ghost) and as a result, the plot is blooming again. I'm so excited, I adore this world so far, it's so vast and gorgeous and sad and amazing. Like a sunrise.
Event Horizon is FINALLY growing, too. That world's been on hold for years, it's awful. I felt bad, because it was actually stagnant-- I saw nowhere it could go, no idea what to do. But now it's moving again! Slowly but surely. I'm so glad.
LG*Girls is trying to move, but it has no solid plot yet and it has too many possibilities. It does bank on something else though so I'm ironing out the kinks and hopefully it'll snap into fit sometime soon.
vo!t@ge and Halcyon Days are both going through some big shifts, in terms of the state of their physical worlds. MASSIVE plot changes for the former, just as significant plot alterations for the latter. Also, again thanks to Spotify, it seems there's practically an entire genre of music that sounds like Haruka Nakamura (the sort of soft, early morning, guitar-over-piano, downtempo stuff) and we associate that style very strongly with Halcyon Days-- that, and Thomas Dolby-style 80s synths. It's an interesting soundtrack but I love it. Now if only I had the means to write the same stuff, haha. I will try.
Now if only I could get Puppetstrings to talk like this again. Those kids feel stuck all of a sudden too. But it doesn't feel locked-in; I'm sure if I just sit down and untangle it it'll start flowing again.
Oh yeah! Last thing-- Oneircia is starting, shyly but honestly, to tell me the MIDDLE of the story, at LONG LAST. Remember how I said I knew how that one began, and then how it ended? Well now everything between those two points is finally filling in. And it's NOT as melancholy as we erroneously assumed before. I'm sorry for that; someone previously painted their story with cynicism which is really the polar opposite of what the story is. So that’s a profound relief.

There was a lot of synchronicity today, it feels like. It's been like that lately, lots of little nudges in interesting directions, lots of triple numbers, lots of relevant song lyrics.
We were under a lot of stress today, massively so, but we were in-and-out of peace even within that? Genesis was helping of course, but it was nice to not be swallowed up in the upset. And at one point we got an avalanche of reassuring signs that led to a totally unexpected opportunity to help someone-- which was only possible because of the "bad luck" we had leading up to it. Go figure, right?
So that was really nice. Saw 1111 after that too. It always feels nice to see that number again.

This body has a fatigue headache and I'm kind of woozy and lightheaded. I don't enjoy this feeling. It's a result of self-neglect, though. That, in turn, is a result of feeling stuck in the house. At least now we get out in the morning and go work at that awesome garage, that helps so so so much.

Laurie says I should get to sleep so off I go.
I miss CZ especially and lately headspace feels closer to my heart than ever so that's something to look forward to.

Song of the night, see you later loves.

Well, I guess now is as good a time as ever to update.
I'm listening to some binaural beats right now to calm me down; the body's been unsettlingly off-kilter for the past week or two and already I'm feeling massive calmness from this (thanks theta waves, haha). So if I fall asleep while typing this up you will have to forgive me.

Anyway. First things first. I last updated here on the 10th, and I remember little concrete events since then, so let me just do a stream-of-consciousness list for whatever comes to mind.

Last Tuesday, I tried to update here, but failed due to stress overload. All I recorded was, "some thermophobic kid was out today-- TERRIFIED of heat." This is true; for some reason, the temperature was around 60 degrees Fahrenheit that day, and the moment it registered there was a full-out, hysteric panic attack.
When we got home the fear subsided entirely, which was bizarre. Also odd was the fact that, at that same time, I realized that I have no memories of what summer is like. None! I have the vague factual awareness that the trees and grass will get green and dark and the birds will be singing and flowers will be blooming, and it will be warm. But that's literally a snapshot data piece. All the "summer memories" of the past are rather buried, and feel negative. That's probably where this scared kid gets it. But that's new, and weird, because I literally have never seen summer and so I'm curious. Jewel says it's great, so I trust her. She loves summer, I love winter. It works out!
Also on Tuesday, there was an important note saying there was an overpowering feeling of sorrow, and being furiously frustrated over feeling "unable to express it," effectively driving that person to tears from the lack of catharsis. "That person" feels like Overload, and probably was (she deals with those sorts of sensations). Regardless that feeling has persisted on and off until today, and we're all working together sincerely to try and heal that, as it is obviously the main thing making us sick! Everything has internal roots so we are in the ideal position to fix those things, haha.

Last Thursday was Xenophon's 3rd birthday! Unfortunately my memory is shot so I remember little of it, but I can tell you this-- we made her extremely purple kale soup (purple kale, purple carrots, purple shallots, also tons of parsley) as it's her favorite food, she followed me around driving for the day, and I know we did something else but it's escaping me right now. Nevertheless I've been spending time with her whenever she wishes to, and when I'm mentally able.

On that note, we've taken to doing our nightly indoor walks again, with the old iPod on, as they are perfect for everyone just getting together and talking, or simply meditating when headspace isn't busy, or not accessible. They help a lot in terms of stability, too, as they're our only real "safe quiet time" during the day. However I mention them here because there are small but notable connections and interactions within the System every night we are tuned into those walks, so even if I can't "summarize" them here I can say with certainty that those little honest times are helping foster more community between us all. I think this sort of thing started in December, notably with this lovely night, and that was so significant to us all that we try to have similar times whenever possible now. In short the little things matter most.

I took out His Dark Materials from the library on Tuesday, so I will likely spend tomorrow writing down all the bookmarked passages I have for it, and then constructing a relevant entry around those IF needed. You know how quickly things change up here; what is still applicable will be discussed, what is not will not be. Nevertheless the experiences of reading the book need to be written down so an entry will happen either way.

I am currently playing this song on loop with the pitch dropped by 5 semitones, and it is great. I'm currently going through my mother's entire music library (so many CDs) and I stumbled across that one, so there you go. We're saving up for a new iPod as Razia is pretty shot at this point, but he still plays music! He's survived so much since 2010 (cross-country trips, being lost outside for several months, etc.) that I honestly have to applaud his hardiness. He's a tough little thing.

That creepy "clawteeth" voice from the 4th found her name: it's Wreckage. When feeling for it I kept getting the impression of "shambles," "ruins," etc. as well as a visual of destroyed buildings and scattered bones, but no letters. Then a day or two later I hit on the letter "w" which was weird as the sound I was getting was "r," like in the word "wrath" or "wreak." So I was fumbling about those two words until she essentially walked up to me during one of those times and said her name was Wreckage. Her color is also confirmed gold.
She reminds me vaguely of Spine in that she's powerful and gangly-thin, with an elongated head, but that's about it? Really she looks like she stepped out of the OFF game. I can't quite see her eyes yet, but she has this huge thin clawed fingers, as well as a mouth full of thin, sharp protruding teeth (hence her initial 'nickname'). She doesn't have a tail and I can't tell if she has horns on her head or not; there's something in the back I think but again, she's vague. She has thin sand-colored skin that looks like bleached leather stretched thin over her skeleton, hard to explain... she's wiry but it's like a compressed spring in that sense. She's all taut muscles and tightly bound power, wrapped around a skeletal frame. But, despite looking like she crawled out of a nightmare, she is a very benevolently-motivated individual (obviously as she's a Retributor). She's just like Laurie was at first: "I have an important job to do, and if you hinder me, I will show you no mercy."

Sylvain's brother is named Simeon. He's the little vanilla-colored boy that updates online whenever there's bad fronting fallout and we need someone to hold things together while we recuperate. That name had strong attachments to the color ages ago, and he said it fit when I asked him earlier this week. He's nowhere near as depressive as his brother could get, but no one yet understands the relationship between them both. Were they two halves of one entity? Did Sylvain "reset" after the massacre, or did his identity start "shifting" after the unwritten events of this day (in which he fronted and was terrified, surrounded by negative voices)? What exactly went on there? We have no answers yet but digging for them feels counterproductive, like we're trying too hard. So we'll just let that be for now, and be grateful for this kid in any case; he's a sweetheart.

I also haven't told you guys how flat-out awesome Minty is! She's actually been checking on me every night now for a few weeks now, before I go see my boss and then collapse into my room in headspace. We sleep holding a white Care Bear plush downstairs, since Minty issues plush bears specifically as "messengers" to protect or guard people when she can't-- almost like little fluffy angels. They have no will of their own, existing for that purpose of guarding others, and are effectively minor mental extensions of "the bear" more than anything. He still has no name either, but he's looking for it-- it starts with a "Br" and we think it has two syllables, that's all we can catch right now though. However he qualifies as a Protector, not a Retributor, and Minty is his 'apprentice' in that respect. She's really good at it, which now that I think about it, is likely because she's energetic and small and can run about other levels of headspace, whereas I have never seen The Bear leave the Underground. He sticks to the shadows and catacombs, staying away even from the windows. I don't know why-- he's not scared, he just stays hidden, or feels he has to for some reason? And he doesn't talk to people much, at all; again, he lets Minty pass along the messages. However, lately he has spoken to me here and there, so I got a better look at him than before-- and holy geez he's one creepy dude. I don't know if you remember his debut dream (with Laurie), but apparently yeah, he still has that big gaping maw of teeth split straight across his face, except he also has another one straight down the middle. It is WEIRD. But is is REALLY COOL. So yeah bear-dude has two mouths that intersect at the top like some kinda sandworm and it is boss

Last week we had to pick the mother up from work at 11PM so we were out driving in the dark for about 20 minutes and the "airport guy" came out fronting?? He was TALKING, he knew about the rest of us, he hasn't done that or showed his face since this day which was a very long time ago. But, he did show up in a dream last year, during a time period when we thought he had faded out, and I got this odd impression that his "ghost" (pre-manifested; he still has no face upstairs) was hanging around Sergei and Hyakin a few months ago? Either way I guess his anchor was stronger than we realized-- those memories of the sense of open-air adventure, of the literal airports and planes from 2012, are some of the only concrete first-person memories we have of that entire year. The man's got good roots, I guess he was just suppressed for ages because we haven't had that feeling of total "run out the front door and see what's out there" freedom since 2012. But with all the traveling we've been doing lately for therapy and things, I guess he's getting more energy coming in now, which is great. I tend to forget anchors work that way. Plus I don't like 'losing' people who have strongly stated their existence at least once, either in headspace or in the League, so I was honestly hoping we'd see him again, and that he'd stick around.
Similarly, the GMQ trio is still alive, but they're all slipping badly, and the last time they were out the Queen was missing. Their main concern is, rather tragically, "who are we, really?" What are our anchors? Why do we exist? What is our purpose? You get the idea. But they haven't found answers yet, and it's taking its toll on them. I don't know if I can offer any help as they are technically socials, and therefore do not have faces in headspace (they cannot be talked to unless you're fronting with them, which is very difficult since faceless fronting is head-based). Either way it hurts to see such existential struggle there. I'll keep you posted on that I suppose.

Speaking of therapy, Jewel and Sherlock have been keeping things together. Mostly we've just been data-dumping for the sake of coherence so nothing really 'new' has happened since our last recap. They've been the only two fronters for the most part, with a few tiny exceptions that I'm aware of-- last Tuesday, Wreckage came out for a moment? She was listening soberly and somewhat contritely to the therapist explaining something about retributive behavior-- I have no idea what it was, but regardless, listening to both her and Jewel beforehand had enough of an effect to get Wreckage to apologize to us (for her brutal debut), and start working with us firsthand. Which is incredible really; she's the main chthonic Protector, and is massively powerful. So of course she and Laurie are working together already. We'll talk more about that later.

Thursday-- yesterday-- was one of the most interesting therapy sessions ever. It started with Jewel, then Sherlock came out to talk data, but as he was revisiting old, dangerous thought processes in order to correct them, Laurie decided she needed to talk. I have one split-second data memory of that actually-- when people really want to front, there's this sudden painful tug at the heart center, physically as well as emotionally, and that hurts! It's an empathetic sort of shock that says, "hey, I really need to get out there." So the biggest switches are typically preceded by those. Anyway, then there was Laurie. The therapist caught on that it was her as soon as she spat out the word "bullshit" in response to those thought patterns-- which took a few minutes actually, as Laurie is actively trying to swear less. I don't know what they discussed but I know it had to do with me and I know it was important. But then, JULIE came out! All I know is that Laurie was trying to say when these negative responses had originated, and Julie realized she was the only person at all who could discuss them, so Laurie politely moved aside and let Julie phase in. That's odd to look back on-- I have no firsthand accessible memory of her there, but I can hear the "vibe" of her voice and that's both lovely and sad, to me.
Julie left after about two minutes and then Sherlock was back, somewhat frazzled but smiling, and tried to get a grip on the situation. However I have a very strong, very surreal "memo" sort of data note that INFINITII tried to talk. Just barely. But Sherlock paused and waited, let hir say a sentence or two, then reverently moved back and continued speaking. Again, no idea what ze said, or why, but that is the FIRST TIME ze's come out in a public situation so that's major... which is made even more incredible by the fact that Garrison was the next person to come out. I told you it was an amazing session! All I know about Garrison's fronting is that he sits quite straight, very focused, and his speech pattern is somewhat constricted? Like it feels "rectangular," if that makes sense. Sherlock doesn't; he's too much of a library, so it's broad. Garrison is very precise. Which is super cool. Anyway I know Jewel came out to close the session, being utterly dazed and not even trying to guess what had just happened, but then... Josephina showed up. Yes, he did. I am vaguely embarrassed but laughing at that fact, because Jo's presence is unmistakable, both because of his vocal register and his super-bright demeanor. Again, that's the second time Jo's ever come out in public-- with the first time only being back in January or so (he was out for a round of DDR at the movies, with the brother, which shocked all of us), so that's quite a quick and daring step forward! That really makes me smile to see.
Xenophon accompanied me for the drive home, which took about four hours-- apparently there was a lot of shopping to do and I remember very little of it outside of momentary snapshots. My only clear memory is around 3PM, driving all the way across town to return a store, and listening to my old Orson CD from beginning to end at Xenophon's request (she absolutely adores it). I know fronting was super-blurry because I can't deal with physical 'exuberance' well, which means trying to sing or talk animatedly or otherwise socialize will kick me out and get a Downstairs person in (I'm internally-rooted so that's still quite difficult for me).
In all honesty the rest of Thursday is a total blur, except for the fact that there was a lot of agitated discussion and action concerning the eating disorder voices, not sure how far that went. We're still working to try and manage that, which is getting a little easier now that we know of (hopefully) everyone tied to it, and Emmett is now OFFICIALLY the main eating dude now (he was pushed out for a while and that was catastrophic). Javier also helps a lot, thankfully, as he's one of the only three or so people who can order the Downstairs fronters to do anything he asks, including (most often) stopping an abusive meltdown or programmed behavior on a dime, something we all previously struggled to do even with extensive persuasion. Javier carries a lot of authority, being the Central Red holder, and he knows that so he uses it wisely and well.
In any case that guy feels insanely important, but smothered by some sort of fog. The Red slot has always been vital, and Javier has a ton of potential and ability that we are all very aware of, but he (and Spine!) keep getting overlooked. That is worrisome.
On that note, Javier and Waldorf are now apparently BFFS, they're both working with Spine as well, and I also saw Javier talking to Nathaniel with surprising sincerity yesterday? In any case, the guy is definitely taking direct action to fixing his "left out" problem.
The Spectrum told us, very clearly, that Spine is just as important. She belongs in the Brown Central slot, whether she feels she fits the bill or not. But the more we learn, the more we realize that is very true. All of us are important. We don't give ourselves enough credit.

Oh! Thanks to being inspired by those binaural beats, I just stumbled across this article, purely by "coincidence," and it is absolutely full of personal relevance. Definitely going to review that with everyone else; we need to make sure the correct thought processes take root, instead of all the old blackened brittle stuff. Sweep out the cobwebs and put up the crystal really.

The Tar still feels like spiders crawling around inside, sticky melted-tarmac arachnids creeping about. The seaweed-girl says sometimes it feels like they're in the stomach, when she has to purge out really heavy stuff. The chthonic people said "insects are important" and confirmed that there are still big benevolent beetles and things in the basement levels, no one knows exactly why though. Jezebel (personified Tar) is also still around but we don't know where. She was talking to Infinitii the other day and it was really chilling. What I do know is that the Tar itself, in its largest amount, is currently infesting Infinitii (as ze reclaimed its color slot). None of us are too sure what to do about that yet, other than get it out of hir, but it's tricky business.
Similarly, the Plague is stuck in me and it feels like calcification, it's awful. Not crystals, but crystallized buildup of something. Like battery corrosion. Two totally different things. FROST* has a song that reminds me of it, did you know? "Saline," like tears. "Fine chilling mime; and I don't know if I can believe in all the lies; calcify; and I don't know if I can survive the feeling, losing all that's mine." Laurie recited that line to me today when I brought up this point, and it's bizarrely relevant. There's relevance in everything if you look deep enough, and that's the point. The stuff you need always comes to you when you need it, if you're open to it, regardless of context. Reminds me of Dream World, yet again.

Today there was a massive hack. I won't go into details because I promised "Victorian" that I wouldn't (she still doesn't have a name; we're trying to find one but Wreckage says that might be tough as she's very depressed and isn't offering much energy to that purpose). Nevertheless, I think the buildup to it is part of WHY the unknown person from last week was terrified of heat-- this evening was oddly quiet and warm and dark, like the summer, and INSTANTLY the horrible internal swarming horror started.
I've never quite explained what hack threats feel like... it's not angry voices, it's more like syrupy-dark insidious twining, as if the shadows are suddenly wrapping around your legs and stomach all humid and constricting, like heated snakes. But it just creeps. And it's scary, because I try to run or otherwise override that sudden flooding of dark around my feet, but the instant fear causes me to badly dissociate. That's the REAL threat of hacks. The inescapable feeling that "the basement is flooding and the water is rising," but the water is like molasses watered down with blood and it's hot and soporific, so by the time it reaches your neck your panic instinct has already kicked up to twelve and your mind is shutting down. You know what that's like? The initial panic, "oh no I know what this is trying to build up to," and the feeling of kicking through the water with electrified nerve, all thin and jangling and shallow breathing, can last for hours. But it dulls out terribly fast. The thick dark keeps rising, but that sugar-melt warmth isn't just toxic anesthesia, it also feels too much like long-ago horrors and so the panic turns flat. "I don't want to feel this again." You can't run, it won't go away, you've been trying for hours or days or years and it's still creeping. "If this persists I am going to lose my mind, it's too terrifying." So things shut down. And then they appear. All the girls, all the women, smiling and touching and perfumed liar smiles, heavy with soft fatal coffin weight. While you are so far out of your own body that you can't fight, you can't remember how to fight or run anymore, all you remember are locked doors and humid rooms and dark windows and being pinned underneath blankets trying to breathe and failing. So you stop trying so you don't suffocate. And then nothing. And then suddenly someone is pulling you out of the flood (which has been over your head for so long that you thought the thick choking was your new air), and your whole body is in horrible wrenching pain, shaking and sick and shattered like splintered bones painted in bruises, your stomach feels like its full of broken mangled machinery and the bloodied oil is leaking everywhere. All you want to do is cry like a child but you are so dead tired you would rather sleep forever first. That's what a hack feels like lately.
I apologize. That just happened. I guess it was needed to be written.
So. Celebi was actually responsible. NOT our Cel-- who is tied to the 2001 consciousness-- this girl was the video-game one, who has a totally different attitude. I knew something was wrong the second she showed up; she's always had this really "wrong" vibe about her and she feels like total danger but I just dimly played along? Like an automaton. Everything looking back is in third person. Why? I was in the attic for some reason. Ventrium was there. His vibe clashed with the whole thing. Celebi kept goading him to do what she wanted, eventually he let her take charge. I kept trying to just walk out, walk away, I felt upset and unsafe, I kept dissociating and she kept shouting at me not to. I didn't want to be there at all, I felt sour-sick and scared and I wanted to leave, but she persisted. The next thing I knew I was in my room and I was ACUTELY aware that someone else was in the body, instead of me, but upstairs INFI was talking to Celebi?? Although they were using totally different language vibes and Infi wasn't getting involved at all. However ze did nothing to stop her, and I have no idea what they were talking about or why. However the shock of seeing hir there when I was in such pain, with hir not even paying attention to me or offering to help, basically not even seeming to realize or care that I was in great danger... that was it. My brain just blanked out. It was the point of feeling so numbly hopeless that it just turned off rather than deal with whatever was next.
Then suddenly there is a massive time loss, and the next thing I know, Wreckage is sitting at my computer for a moment and scowling furiously, then we're outside and she's throwing something into the woods behind the house, then I'm standing in the middle of the muddy lawn in a bathrobe and slippers feeling cold and not-awake, like everything is unreal. I didn't know where I was or who I was or what I was doing really. I felt small and lost and surreal but I felt the earth alive under my feet for a second and that made me feel safer, like there was something greater and kind and alive supporting beneath me even now. Then I'm walking into the kitchen and Laurie is there and I'm sad and asking her never to leave, never ever, please stick around you're the only safe person left. I remember she said she would.
Wreckage and Laurie talked a lot then, as I sat on the floor in the corner, feeling about seven years old. They were discussing their roles as protectors and retributors, saying that this could not go on any longer, at any cost. Mostly they were baffled, furious, and deeply shaken that there had been "no alarms" for that, it was because the numb state had said "everything is okay" in the way a drowning man says it when he already knows he's going to die. Laurie was really heartbroken but so was Wreckage, they were both in tears at one point.
I know later the Victorian-pink girl wandered in, just sat there across from me, didn't say much. I was trying to cook things but realized I wasn't hungry, I was caught between wanting to "bury the sick pain" and "eat something good to cancel it out"; I felt like throwing up but was too tired and sad and sick. Spice showed up when she realized there was a risk, so she joined the discussion. Then we got Emmett and Aimee in to finally eat, keeping things safe, and Spice was very friendly with them which was great (also you can always tell when Emmett is eating because he thinks the body has a big snakey head like his, but it doesn't, so watching him bite stuff is always funny). Then Javier was actually in at the end to talk to us, which started off uneasily-- I think there were some ED-related programs running and he showed up to stop them, but when he heard there had been a hack, he immediately got out his trident and asked who was the culprit. I remember that because Laurie said "no killing anyone," not even the lethal people, because of how Julie had turned out. Laurie considers Julie one of her best friends at this point, so if she of all people could turn from our biggest nemesis into one of our dearest members, Laurie didn't want to steal that chance of redemption away from anyone else. Javier seemed a little moody but agreed, while Wreckage seemed contemplative again. She's got a surprising capacity for empathy (like Knife), so that's part of it, but then she said Laurie was right-- because everyone deserved a chance at health and happiness, which were the two things all the chthonic voices dreamed of and pursued, yet who were born from the exact opposite of it. So she understood in a rather personal way, why everyone should have that opportunity IF they don't abuse it. She is not going to back down from her retributor job anytime soon, thank God, because most of the others did thanks to how brutally externalized it got (with the bloodletting) and the painful consequences of that (Algorith said flat-out it was unfair as hell that the Retributors had to take the pain that was meant to atone for what someone else did). And of course no one knows what to do with Infi, who is this half-holy half-horrible entity in the System, someone we all love and fear both, the center of this struggle right along with me. So it's confusing and scary and we all feel rather lost about it most days. But I think we're all back in the game now. It's a real light of hope for all of us.
Really it was so nice, though, when all was said and done, that a tragic incident at least allowed such discussion to take place. It took about two hours and thanks to massive dissociation I didn't have much fallout, but it'll likely leave scars. I don't know. It's a mess.
...Also, just remembered, Infi and I actually touched on that whole "dissociate when hacks threaten" thing back in October. "Infinitii said that's apparently a White energy thing, that "blankness," and since he's Black energy, he cannot do that. On the contrary, his "hopeless escape method" is to submit, not to run like I do. Whereas I shut down and check out, like an empty stark whiteness, Infi gives up and gives in, like drowning in heavy blackness. You get the idea. But my heart broke, looking at him when he said that, because we're essentially doing the same thing in different ways... abandoning our safety for self-preservation, not fighting back, just trying to cope with the terror and get out alive, even if it means living like dead men." That's even more heartbreaking now than it was then.

Speaking of that mess.
Much earlier today, I saw Amara talking to CZ upstairs. It came out of nowhere, I have no idea why, but there he was. Weirdly I couldn't "see" him clearly at all, and it didn't hit me until then that that's become normal for him. Other than those sudden lucid flashes late at night, I honestly cannot remember the last time I ever was able to see him clearly on a daily basis. I'm not sure if I ever have. And... how do I put this. Apparently that runs deeper than we thought, but just as deeply as I worriedly suspected. Because, Amara was talking to him and then realized she couldn't give the sort of help she felt he needed (which was specifically "more force" in delivering her points, something Laurie is the king of), so she asked the Archivists if they could assist her. Well lo and behold, Isadora actually stepped down, and started talking to him, again I don't remember about what... but then her two friends joined her. So now Garrison, Isadora, and Kalisha were all trying to talk to CZ, checking notes and writing things down the whole time, trying to get a group on the situation... and suddenly they confirmed my suspicious.
Chaos is split. All the Outspacers are split.
Do you remember this entry, where Markus first clarified to us that Outspacers had non-System origins BUT were able to enter our community through making a choice to "start again?" To quote, "they chose to take a very deep and important piece of themselves, and let that piece of them live here, within the system, with new names and lives after all." Originally I thought that just meant they "dreamed of a new life" and were able to live it here... but I was so used to my own situation that I didn't realize that "new lives" seems to require "new selves" as well.
Things don't follow old "canons" up here because those don't apply at all anymore. They NEVER DID. Geez, when these people entered our inner world in 2002 Jewel had almost no awareness of their native worlds, allowing them to literally build an entirely new history and life from that blank slate of her mind. They weren't SUPPOSED to be tied to their old canons, that was the WHOLE POINT.
Nevertheless, every single one of them already had the beginnings of that personality-split before they joined us up here.
Ryman and Markus both had "Yamis" that acted independently of them, and Markus's was canonically part of him already.
Genesis had a notable "personality break" with his shattered gem, effectively 'restarting' who he was.
Celebi had the whole 4th-movie corruption event, and then the 'many timeline selves' that followed.
Mr. Sandman is a reality-jumper and living multiple lives is part of his job.
Xennie is the only exception because she was born in headspace and therefore doesn't quite count as an 'outspacer' in the strict sense.
Either way this is mostly conjecture and it's hard to put into words but I can feel legitimacy to it, it makes SO much sense, I mean even Grievous and Davy had this same freaking issue of "divided selves," in small or large ways, EVERY single person who ever even had the potential to become an Outspacer had this. We all have our own 'split personality' issues, if you'll forgive the language, no surprise there.
So as it stands, it looks like that's the "real" hidden factor allowing people to enter here-- to reiterate, yes they need the ability to "dream a new life," but in order to do THAT, they need to also be able to "dream a new SELF" to an extent.
As for how that affects CZ? Well, most obviously-- you guys know about Perfect, right? But do you realize what his existence implies? And do remember what Perfect used to be like upstairs? I know I didn't until I was forced to backtrack this morning and then it was downright shocking. Ironic, too, when the long-string symbolism and relevance hits. I really do need to type up an entire entry about that ONCE I get a better grip on this... all I can tell you for sure right now is that there is massive dissonance between CZ's two 'selves,' on all levels, that needs to somehow be harmonized.
I think CZ started to "split" but never really reconciled it, if that makes any sense. He's still, simultaneously, the headspace-rooted him and the StH-rooted him, the former being far more volatile and the latter being far more tranquil. Perfect is tied inherently to the former. However they're both entirely him, and they're both at war. This all sounds like a jumble of words and I apologize; I just keep thinking of that Kim Jensen song and the old Jewel keeps trying to talk through me, but she's nothing but a lingering core-aura now and I don't want to be talking like her just because I feel "obligated to" on this topic. Then again I personally don't have much experience with it. So it feels like a mess, which I'm sorry for, but which is fitting because this topic is a mess right now.
Anyway, I cannot say much else for sure at the moment (battery is dying anyway).
...However. The other night, CZ actually told me that he's "been a stormy sea" for far too long, and that "wasn't the real him." For as long as I've known him, I've known that his deepest energy is actually peaceful and calm, not the raging sort of tidal-wave vibe that he's been emitting for quite some time now. He's apparently been struggling with that himself. It's just that no one could figure out why, or even guess, until now. I suppose that has to do with us losing most access to the past-- stuff doesn't get in the accessible archives unless a core puts it there, and I haven't looked at that stuff in years. I'm going to have to do that now, I suppose, as much as I feel I need to.
So it seems that CZ's real issue in not being able to find stability lately isn't just that he never "dreamed a new self" separate from his root canon, someone that could exist as part of headspace... it's also because he can't get his two inner "selves" to cooperate whatsoever, and there is an actual mental break between them. There has been for at least SIX YEARS and we completely took it for granted after so long.
I don't know. I'm thinking out loud. Forgive the dramatic mess of that paragraph, it's dipping into ancient pre-Spectrum mindstates and I'm going to need to look at all this again later when I'm not rushed for time and content.
My heart is notably breaking though. I... I haven't been feeling any ties to him in a while because of this? Not since December, before that horrible event that forced us all to 'reset' on some level. I wonder how that affected him. I never asked. But right now, I'm getting the same thing I did during that Xanga-- all those old memories of love, even the ones that are just vibes or feelings or awarenesses, and they are all so intimately real and honest and bright. Like light shining through a suncatcher and tossing bright colors all about the room, except you can't touch them, they're just coloring every bit of you. That's what it feels like. But that conversation holds more relevance to this than I realized and I really, really need to review all of this...
...They say that if you love something, set it free, and if it comes back to you, it was meant to be.
I cannot tell you how many times I have let him go. Looking back, I can see it. I have turned him away, I have thrown him out, I have denied him to his face. And he's done the same to me, many times. We've even stepped into the positive and effectively said, "hey, no hard feelings, but I think we're done." We've gone our separate ways far too many times. But that old injoke still applies. No one is getting a divorce here, in any sense. We don't think that's possible, even if we wanted one, and a few times we did consider it, with terrible sadness, through all the crushing pain. But it never took hold. Something, something we can't understand at all, always held us together, even when we didn't want it to. And that seems to be the point, doesn't it? When you get down deep enough, when you let go of all the suffering and rage and agony and 'Perfect ' shadows, for both of us... when there's nothing left but pure color, we tend to stick together.
I don't know. It feels utterly strange right now. There are too many blocks for me to see clearly. But I'll fix that too. I promise I will.

Also geez all this entry backtracking is hitting me in the face with sudden ancient relevance (things are just jumping out of the woodwork that didn't even have such relevance util now, good heavens) and I need to write all this down but there is no time tonight. Remind me.

On a different, brighter note... on Wednesday night I suddenly got all this insight about the System (which broke through my "headspace-fog" for the first solid time since last Sunday really), and ended up kneeling on the rug and scribbling notes onto paper for two hours or so. I tried to graph out the vertical structure of headspace-- which our therapist had some brilliant insight on-- and also was checking the Spectrum lineup for stability and slot status: who's slipping, who has an unstable color, whose roles have changed, etc. It was very helpful actually, and I won't type all that up here because 1) it's late and 2) I want to scan that in first so you have a visual! It NEEDS to be talked about, especially because we haven't even attempted to graph the "Spectrum flowchart" since last spring, BEFORE the Undergrounders appeared, and we thought Teal and Pink were "mutant slots." Yes, it's only been a year since then, my mind was boggled too. But it really made me smile, widely and genuinely, to see that, as it was basically a concrete display of just how much we've grown since this time last year. Honestly the progress has been absolutely incredible... which is why I am hoping, so much, that we can figure something out to heal Infinitii before hir first "birthday" in the System in two weeks. I love hir, I really do, and it hurts my heart to see hir in this state, all weird and vague and flatline-feeling, when I remember so clearly what ze feels like on hir beautifully good days.
But the Spectrum is like Dust. It's alive, it knows us, and it loves us, and everything will work out exactly when it needs to... no sooner, and no later, just like Laurie said.
I've got a whole audio file entry on that, which I'll type up tomorrow. You guys have gotta hear this, it's super cool.

Also, in light of those papers, we've been talking symbols lately, especially around Central. Those of you who know me and Jewel might know that Jewel is in charge of a ton of "series," or rather, stories about other worlds she dreams about, collectively called the "Lightraye League." There's a ton of color and meaning and symbolism in them, but it tends to differ and shift from one to another, so those stories often require an organizational visual element and that's where I come in! I have this amusing fondness for organizing things visually, and it's the easiest to do with symbols, so that's my job. Series identification symbols? We have 13. LG*Girl morph marks? Got 24 so far. Dream World elements? All 34 are done! You get the idea.
But that's the point: our System never had anything like that, and we're wondering if that would work for us. Symbols are, when they're tied to people, highly personal and just as powerful as names are. When tied to things like energy colors, it gives that 'abstract concept' a sort of nominative solidity, and makes it into something individually deserving of respect and recognition. Again, considering how our inner world is basically alive, we feel that the magic sort of caring that goes into 'finding' symbols would be merited, for energy colors at least, if not also our members. I mean the phenomenon actually started way back in 2002, with Jewel and the original Outspacers-- her symbol was a heart, Ryman's was a star, Markus's was an octagram, Chaos's was a Saturn-shaped planet, and Genesis's was a four-pointed star. They also all had their own personal colors (respectively red, blue, violet, cyan, and amber, originally), which I daresay you can understand the obvious significance of! But actually, that whole color/symbol phenomenon was intrinsically tied to the phenomenon of soul forms, element abilities, etc. It was like saying, "here's a piece of magic to represent you... now you can represent part of the magic in turn."
There are similar small but 'identifying' symbols actually developing in Central, as we all have our own colors already-- Spine has a skull, Lynne has a violin, Josephina has a jingle bell, Nathaniel has a moth, Waldorf has a ring, Leon has a pair of scales, Laurie has an axe, Julie has a flower, Infinitii has an eye (we think?) and I'm partial to lotuses, but that feels too broad for 'just me.' Javier is new so he hasn't found anything yet, but you get the picture. However as I said, they're mostly more for identification than for representation, as there is distinction there, and no one but Central has any. We're wondering, should that change?
If nothing else, it would greatly expand the depth and personability of our System, if that makes sense? It's hard to put that feeling into words. It's more expansive, more mythical almost, like now it's not just a story, it's a World. It now has some element of recognized connection in it, to all other similar things. Again, words aren't working. But, in short, it might give us that little needed 'push' in order to be part of the League. Yes it's important! You probably don't quite get why as you don't have our experience with it and that's understandable. But... again, it's an energetic thing. The League feels like a web, like a graph, like a stained-glass mandala, like a great interconnected sparkling thing. There's this feeling of love and unity between every jewel-like world in it, linking them all together, even if they don't realize it. And those symbols are representations of that connection, of the similar elements that don't bleed over so much as they shine through and within. Colors, music, magic, people... all of them linked together in both big and little ways. It's so much like us, in a different way... we're so much like it, in a different way. So we want to be part of it. We want to be a piece of that greater whole, after having felt so separate from it for so long, after having briefly touched it in tiny raindrop ways over and over through the years, even though our deepest roots transcend even the trauma and bloom straight from the gemstone heart of it. We want to settle into that cosmic pattern and stay there, embraced by the great bright love of it, of everyone else, once and for all. We want a happy ending, for all of us, and we will get it.

Lastly, relatedly, and to be continued... in reviewing the Spectrum lineup, I realized that yes, I can still sense people and their conditions when I am tuned in, and it's surprisingly effortless in that context. So in checking the colors I did see that some people are having trouble, some people have moved, some people are in transition phases... all stuff we've either overlooked, missed, or taken for granted. Either way none of it has really been discussed here! So that's for next time too.
But, best of all, that inward/outward reaching sparked something honest and admiring in me and I realized that everyone in the System has their own personal energy vibe. Not the simple slot-related "checkup" resonance, I mean their own individual radiance, six senses worth. Way back when I started trying to write those impressions down, but it's been so long since, that I wondered if I could still get it?
I CAN. It is AWESOME and it is so much clearer than ever, really the joy of being able to feel these people in such a brilliantly clear and real way is just... it's incredible. It surpasses the awful "third person" feeling that inner lives can get at times, overpowered by the inescapable and constant sensory input of physical reality. I can sadly overlook my inner life because of that, and see it as something less real, less strong. But then, when I tune in, suddenly all these beloved individuals aren't just faces and names and colors "in my head," they are tangible beautiful people and their visible absence in physical reality has absolutely no effect on that fact. It turns the world upside down in the most wonderful way; suddenly the universe is twice as big and it's gorgeous, I can't help smiling, even if I'm dizzy from the sudden massive shift in depth!
So yes, long story short, I have a new energy-perception file and I am putting honestly sincere care, respect and attention into perceiving every single System member's personal aura. It demands compassion and trust and closeness from me, first of all, and also from those I'm tuning into. So some people are almost unidentifiable yet, some people only have half the channels open, and some people are instantly and powerfully cognizable. It's really forcing me to open my heart entirely, at the very least, as well as demanding that I not 'play favorites' as I used to, and acknowledge everyone's inherent, equal worth. Everyone in here is amazing, we all exist for an important reason, and we all deserve to have our worth honored. This is tangible proof of that.

Good Lord this is 16 pages in Microsoft Word. I'd better wrap things up.
Battery is dying again, so see you later.

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