070217

[prismaticbleed]

woke up at 9am,
stayed in bed until noon listening to spotify. too tired, no strength/spoons to do otherwise.

then when we did wake up,
suddenly who appears in headspace
but dendrite.

her eye was open.
furious. weeping.
crying tears so hot they hit the ground and sizzled like lava.

"YOU TRIED TO BURN ME ALIVE."


she knew who did it. it was brazen.
the REAL "jezebel," the one who initially held that name when we were a child, before she discarded it and hid.
but we knew. we recognized her.
and apparently she had a hand in the year-long dead period we just escaped from,
because she burnt 95% of all our headspace-related possessions.

and then she tried to burn all memories of us to the ground, too.

but dendrite. dendrite, the daemon tied to the FEMALE cores, she's probably just as important as infinitii if we're right about that... to think, how did that affect her, for the very fact of her existence to be completely ignored for so long, denied and tossed aside, to the point of near death?


lethe and medallion were comforting her. it was obvious they were deeply shaken.
jewel wasn't saying anything. she's in shock.
she's always been somewhat 'detached' from headspace but i think now she realizes she does not have that luxury anymore.
she has a daemon-- she has a living manifestation of her shadow side, a being that knows and carries her biggest vices but still loves her-- and she can't ignore that fact anymore. she has to admit it's true, and then she can grow.
but she's terrified. jewel is a drifter. her vice is that she doesn't quite care, not as much as she otherwise always does, what she leaves behind. she'll love everything as brightly as ever, but the minute she leaves, she's gone.
i don't know when she got like that. her whole existence is a mess right now and we all need to talk about it.
but right now, the most important thing is getting her to realize that she STILL has her freedom. she can still jump into outspacer worlds, she can still work with the leagueworlds, she can still draw and write and create. she's not barred from ANY of that just because she has a daemon now. but... she's afraid of the responsibility. the inescapable responsibility. like having a child. you cannot run from that. and you cannot run from daemons-- they are your heart, in a very real way.
especially dendrite.



i'm trying to draw dendrite. to tap into how she looks, and keep her alive. show her the respect she deserves.
it's an intuitive process. i have to 'feel out' her appearance and that needs a great deal of time.
it'll take a few days-- i have a certain birthday picture i absolutely have to get done tomorrow.

in the meantime, we need to sleep.


don't worry, we're ending the day on a good note.
it was a very rough day, but still. we're alive still, and there's good music on our headphones, and we're talking to dear ollie on tumblr, and chaos 0 is still in sonic forces (he looks so gorgeous i can't get over it), and genesis's birthday is on wednesday, and everyone is upstairs waiting for me and that just makes my heart very bright even if it aches.
i'm gonna go talk to dendrite. her, me, and infi. see what happens.

tomorrow is a brighter day. we're looking forward to it.