the spectrum heart cathedral system

today. 050416


morning: scrubbing down plastic things at the garage. dad talking about his old job at the nuclear power plant during the 70s or so. left a bit early due to work being done.
went to the discount food store, as coconut was on sale and "cecelia" wanted to buy a bunch. BAD MOVE. holy voices, which (if the saints are any clue) we think is coming from God/Jesus, kept telling us don't go there, don't buy it, BUT the response from the brain was fuzzy-dumb incomprehension, like the words were foreign, and just kept going. but the panicked guilt and doubt got so bad that I don't even remember the drive there.
well anyway we got there and they bought like sixteen bags to "stock up on" but then they disobeyed the holy-voice orders and went back to the gluten-free aisle-- we had specifically been told to avoid those aisles as there was "nothing we needed there." well miss cecelia decided she wanted a few superfood bars (nevermind that she bought like eighteen of those yesterday), and finding a partly-open box (can't be sold as a whole unit), grabbed nine more. at this point the holy voices were actually sobbing, asking why wouldn't she listen, this wasn't going to help her, their orders were only trying to keep her safe, etc… her response to the tears was instant crushing panicked fear and guilt and shame and self-hatred, which was immediately buried under uncomprehending flat-mode as she went and bought everything anyway.
well. fate bit her in the ass, because apparently they don't SELL those bars as singles so she almost got into BIG TROUBLE and when she left the store the only reason she wasn't shaking like a leaf from humiliation and fear and even more guilt is because she was SHUTTING EVERYTHING OFF.
well we don't remember the drive home. all we remember is that, we just barely got back into town for 11:30, and made it to daily mass.
we couldn't concentrate for the whole thing; the brain was a cotton ball of screaming contrition and regret and despair and the only thing I remember is the instant we got the eucharist and the novena to saint joseph afterwards and the ten minutes we spent fighting back tears in the chapel afterwards.
we had a lot of errands to run for the family then, after we got home. that's a blur too. I can dig for the memories if I need to but it's exhausting. it's mostly just millisecond location snapshots; one of standing in line for grandpa's prescription, one of standing in the local doc's office for grandma's papers, one of running through a parking lot, one of weighing ginger on a scale and trying not to listen to the floating voices dictating exactly which ones we should get, et cetera. blurs.
we got fancy chocolate for mom's birthday, her favorite, that I recall vaguely enough because it was a new environment so even if we were on autopilot for the most part, that data makes it stand out.
then we went to our psychiatrist appointment and ended up exhaustedly numbly sedatedly venting our stress over the past month and a half, with mom's scary behavior and the looming future in light of that and all the SSI paperwork and legal stuff that was hanging over our heads on top of it all. mostly we were emphasizing how sick we were because we still "aren't allowed to be multiple" at home and that is KILLING US quite literally. we said we have not been able to cope as a result, because WE are the coping method, and the lost girls who "aren't multiple" because they exist to appear "normal" are all rooted in teenage abusive-suicidal behavior loops and the only reason they're staying out is because they respond to how the family treats them. names have power, contexts have power, timeline vibes have power. we're stuck in a bad environment and our health is suffering and, for the first time ever, we are doing FAR better and FAR worse than ever ever before. we are finally able to live, but we are currently and literally dying from stress. and the remaining stress is all ancient and rooted in childhood and we cannot find the root causes and we're so lost, we are bereft of coping skills, we don't know what to do, and it's overwhelming. we're so paralyzed by this ancient residual sightless choking fear, all day, every moment, that we "black out" just to live without falling into hysterical sobbing fits for 3+ hours EVERY time we're not being forced to be "sociable" at the family's orders.
we're exhausted. we're dying from it. we cannot cope, we cannot, we're trying and it's just hurting us more, what we NEED to do we cannot safely do right now. or, we don't have any spoons left to do so, because let's face it-- for us to exist right now, in this home environment, is so taxing and exhausting and risky that frankly our body can't handle it, when it's forced to pretend none of that/us ever happened the moment a human being who only knows us as a shadow of the past walks in the room.
so.
sheppard pratt is a definite go-ahead due to our current inability to cope. current projected date is sometime next month. I'll keep you posted.

and then we went home and at about 5pm we wanted to eat some salad and leave the kitchen BUT God only knows what happened because we didn't leave the kitchen until 9:30 and I am so sick of this and I am so sick of being sick too. this needs to stop, now.


I'm standing here with the most awful "brain shock" pains, and I don't know if it's from what we ate, or because we haven't been home to put our HRT on in five days, or if it's from something else entirely, who knows.
all I know is that I am SICK of this poor body being sick, and we have SWORN OFF shopping anywhere out of town save for wegmans until august 15th. solid, we're going to massively simplify our life for the next three months and pray to God that we can heal as a result. all this stupid superfluous driving around is feeding our anxiety and depression like dry leaves on a bonfire. it's awful. so we're calling it quits, cold turkey. frankly I don't even want to go back in august, and maybe by that time I won't even want to, so we'll see. all I know is that this is the only way to kill the jessica panicked-obligatory compulsive hoarding-buying, and cecelia's "but it's supposed to be good, so I have to buy it" similar obligatory bullcrap. the only way to get them to quit is to STAY OUT OF THEIR STORES.

nevertheless.
body's sick, very tired all of a sudden, brain shocks and waves of mini-blackout fatigue. did we get any sleep last night? I don't even remember. I don't know why jess/cecelia keep thinking coconut is a good idea because we invariably get so sick from eating it, but I guess someone told them "it's a superfood!!!" so no matter how agonized we get when we ingest it, those girls will think we're "doing something wrong" and will keep forcing it because we're "supposed to eat it" etc etc and all that frustrating nonsense.

I am angry, I am allowed to be angry, but it needs to be motivated by love, which is tricky because right now it's just sheer rage. to fix the motivation, I need to think why am I angry? because I don't want the body to be sick anymore. because I don't want to lose any more time and money to illness and addiction. because I want those alters to stop making idiotic decisions over and over and over and being miserable and confused as to why it's "not working." I'm angry because we deserve better and I want this passive self-annihilation to STOP. so deep deep down it is motivated by love, I just need to unearth that and focus on it.

I'm scared but that's being smothered by numbness too. is this our current excuse for "coping?" it's not healthy.
maybe I should bike for fifteen minutes, see if that helps. either way I'm going to be in bed for 11:30 because this is terrible.

we may or may not have work tomorrow, we may have to drive our grandmother to a doctor's appointment instead. either way we're fine with things.
but tomorrow is ascension thursday, our favorite holy day of the year, besides the big two of christmas and easter of course. the gospel gives me such an odd feeling of hope and comfort, with the apostles watching him disappear into the clouds, and the angels suddenly appearing and reassuring them that he will one day return in the same manner. I don't know, I just love that mass. so I'm looking forward to it. if I'm lucky I'll get to go to 11:30 mass and then 7pm mass as well. either way it'll be nice.

but we need sleep. I am so determined in hope lately. no setbacks will stop us. I feel like we're going in circles lately, like we're stuck in a rut, and the setbacks are terrifying lately, but I have hope in God and I just pray, desperately, sometimes hysterically, that He won't abandon us to the devil, that He won't label us a "lost cause" for our stupid, asinine disobedience and doubt, and turn His face from us. that's a horrifying possibility and I hope, God I hope, I pray, I beg You, please don't give up on us. I know we're in a state of frightening spiritual dryness and numbness and blankness, that we can't feel much and can't think straight and are struggling across the board, but we won't give up on You. even if we are total assholes sometimes. even if You are pissed off at us for how sinful we are and all our repeated mistakes. You have every right to be and I'd give myself a good punch in the teeth right now too, if I could (and frankly I should ask Laurie too; historically we do so much better when she's actively doing that part of her job).

I think I know what this brain-shock and nausea mess is from. we ate hemp seeds, and those are also labeled as "avoid these" because the reaction we get from the oil makes us wish we were dead, BUT again, the lost girls were told "it's a superfood" so they keep forcing it. please stop. it's not right for us, even if you can't comprehend that, and keep trying to "fix it." please stop. right now, it's only hurting us.

sleep. we need some sleep. we need rest, mainly.
I want tomorrow to be a restful day. God I want a day where we can just… relax. sit down and read or something. maybe even paint another shirt. we haven't done anything creative since… february? too long. too much self-abusive compulsive junk getting in the way. well I want it to stop for good. and the only way to do that is to be unflinchingly, mercilessly determined in chopping out all that junk from our life. if it doesn't help us be a better person, cut it out. a bad action cannot bring good results, no matter how you try to justify it.
I am so tired. I am so tired of these "reasoning debates" with the lost girls, who are only motivated by panic and fear and programming and can't think complexly and can't feel love or joy or peace.
the body is exhausted.

yesterday, infinitii was around all day. first time in months. probably since before christmas even. so it was staggering and heart-achingly reassuring that I could perceive hir as clearly and tangibly, instantly, as if ze was physically there. and I loved hir just as I always did, and I could function with hir around, and the trouble yesterday only happened when I got shoved out of fronting when the lost girls took over in the evening again.
but there's hope. always.
I don't hate those girls. I hate what they're doing to us, and to themselves. I want to heal them and help them, but… first, I need to manage this anger. it's anger so potent and furious it's scary, but the roots of it are just sobs. I'm so sad, so exhausted, that it's turning into sheer rage because I'm so tired of fighting. it was the same thing with the brother, remember? I'm so glad he's mellowed out now. he's acting more like himself now. so that's so nice, I don't think I mentioned it.

but infinitii is back. I'm trying to talk to chaos zero more at night, I miss him. genesis is ghosting again for the first time in months, THANK GOD. laurie is slowly getting back into "superego duty" whenever she can elbow her way past the floating voices. and I see xenophon every saturday and sunday, no matter what, even if the rest of the week is a blur.

11:11.

I need to hold on to those good things. thank you God for keeping the light glowing even now.
we've healed from so much. we feel so close to the wide open flowery fields of freedom. I know we will get there. but I want us all to get there.


we still exist. we're still alive, we're still anchored in love and unity. we just need to stand firm in our right to exist, to re-assert ourselves in the face of trials and hisses and naysayers and demons. it's a war that we won't win with weapons, just with our hearts. they're still trying to make us ashamed of that. but I know that's a lie.

there's so much spiritual work to do yet. but I'm awake now, I'm aware of it, and I will fight fight fight until I bleed if I have to, for the Light, to keep from getting shut down and off again.

bottom line: we're alive. we're getting better. we're rising from the grave but there's still a lot of dirt to slough off, that built up over all these months. we won't give up.
tomorrow is the ascension. let's rise up again with it.

 

 

 

 

Jay here. It's been a long time since any of us updated and frankly I've lost my entire concept of time right about now-- ironically, as this is Celebi's month, but that's actually a big part of this too.

Our Spectrum, our System, has been "dead" for about… at least a week? Solidly since Friday. I say "dead" because the downstairs "System" took over entirely after Jackie nearly killed us with bingeing on Friday, and someone swore to "kill her" and Jewel took over 100% for the next four days.
…Or, at least, she tried to stay out 100%. As of today, she realized rather traumatically that even on her level, she's not alone. She loses time, however small, she switches out, she blurs.

Over the past few days of operating on this level, there have been a lot of threats to the Spectrum existence, including (as far as I'm aware):

- Trying to delete our LJ archive
- Trying to delete ALL our System Tumblr archives
- Trying to cancel all our future trans* medical appointments
- Trying to throw out our HRT
- Effectively trying to revert the body back to being as "purely feminine" as it allegedly was when we were 16 or so? I have no clue, but that was the motivation
- Trying to cancel ALL future therapy appointments (Jewel was on board with this as her younger self saw it all as "dumb," but thank God that the older Jewel (12-13, white clothes) decided "let's at least wait until Thursday." Well Thursday is going to be interesting now, to say the least.
- Trying to throw out all our System-relevant possessions (very few, used mostly for grounding or anchors or reminders)
- Trying to sell Chaos Zero's anchor plush (!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
- Trying to COMMIT SUICIDE
- and various other hyperreligious things tied to "restoring" the body back to how it was at an unknown earlier age, basically the "work persona" cranked up to eleven-- long hair, dresses and makeup, vanilla smile, and no sense of self other than serving others-- in their eyes, a "perfect holy godly woman." But such a "woman" has no self, and that to them is holy too… the problem is, they don't realize that the reason they don't exist away from other people is because they SWITCH. Life's fine living as a literal servant of humanity as long as you always have humanity to serve. Such a person is incapable of self-care, as evidenced by the horrifyingly abusive alters that ALWAYS take over instead the moment we are forced to "take care of ourself," and by the perfect-girl's total unawareness of such behavior occurring.

But yeah. That's been things lately.



Honestly we need to be in bed for midnight tonight because the body is sick, sick sick sick, we are terrified for our life right now and we need to rest, God have mercy we need to rest, seven hours is all we're getting right now but that's better than five.


Long story short: on the downstairs level, there are TWO girls who are abominably abusive eaters. The first is a manic, but it's NOT Jackie this time-- like I said, she was put on death row on Friday and as far as I know she's being murdered as we speak-- this alter is the "but I enjoy it!!" one who DOESN'T EXIST FOR THE CONSEQUENCES and so thinks she is totally immune to sickness and allergies and indigestion and pain and other things. So, she cannot comprehend that other people aren't so "immune"… let alone that she's sharing a body with such people. I apologize but thinking about her makes me very ill and makes me want to shake and cry.
The second abusive eater is the core alter for ALL abusive behavior: Jessica/Cecelia. She's the one who's halfway between brown and lime green and who is crushingly depressed to the point where she's also halfway between staggering apathy and agonizing despair. But her despair and self-hatred and shame and guilt is so potent that she cannot cope with it, and so she SHUTS DOWN and just eats and eats and eats because 1) it numbs everything and 2) it's highly abusive and might just kill her to end the pain.
So that's the deadly duo right there, but then we have alter #3, who we've been calling Overload, because apparently a huge sort of merging has occurred and ALL those fragmented furious alters had their roots/anchors fuse into ONE person, one wild brown-haired girl motivated by "perfect hatred" and violence and sheer blazing rage in the name of "murdering all evildoers for Christ's sake." She's dangerous, terribly dangerous, because although her heart is technically in the right place, she would love nothing more than to take Cecelia by the throat and smash her skull into concrete repeatedly until it's a bloody sickening pulp, screaming at her the whole time that she's a whore and God hates her and "is this what you want" and basically spitting every condemnation in hell at this fellow alter for her "brazen f*cking sinfulness" that she "deserves to die for."

…This is the situation we're in, currently.
I can't find the strength or time to write more about that tonight. That'll be for Thursday.


Two more things.
First, for God knows what reason (and that's probably why), when Cecelia was binge-abusing on two bloody boxes of cereal (and God also only knows the amount of sheer panicked terror I feel upon realizing that went in OUR BODY), the grandmother walked in and told her that she needed to stop eating because "your Pokemon are in your room crying."
…
Yes, she said that. It's because we had retro Pokemon toys lined up on the floor to photograph for eBay, but… of all things to say, at all times. Of all things.
The instant we heard that, we instantly knew that it was Celebi who was sobbing her eyes out.
Cecelia couldn't cope with the immediate matching agony that Jewel felt about that, so her response was to shut down even further and force herself to eat even more for, as always, God knows what reason.

Infinitii told me it might be because Cecelia can't imagine living a life that's not wracked by pain. She has no comprehension of peace, or relief, or life outside of abuse. Her entire existence is defined by self-destruction, by the knowledge that she's a "horrible sinful wretched pile of filth" and so why treat herself any differently?
Another bit is still the potent catharsis of vomiting, which is also the ONLY way a lot of the most tortured alters can deal with their crippling trauma at all, now that the "safer" forms of self-abuse like biting and cutting are forbidden.
God, I don't care if it's forbidden. Please, I would rather have Gamboge's old scars marking our arms again than this 5+ hour ordeal of hell every evening. I would rather spend the 30 minutes bleeding into a tub drain, sobbing with the people I love than waking up after a whole day of three loveless alters trying to kill each other and not giving a shit who pays the toll in the long run.

I'm sorry. It just hurts a lot.
Celebi says it breaks her heart too because "they say they love her, but never act on it." She says it's all empty words but she KNOWS Jewel is "in there somewhere" and she doesn't know how to get her out or why she's trapped or what to do… you get the idea.
But that breaks my heart, too. Celebi has to play the role of Genesis, Laurie, Chaos Zero, and Infinitii for the downstairs level, which is really just Jewel (the other alters don't give a flying donut), but that's enough. Celebi is a literal lifesaver for them.
There are more than four alters on that level, I know that, they're all terrifically compartmentalized… all of them are brown eyed, long brown haired, teenage girls, and for the most part they all think they're alone in the body. Miss hyper-religious "I'll kill you for God's sake" knows she's not alone but she only knows that through outside evidence. She hears the floating voices too but she HATES them and actually that hatred of hers can be used for LIFE SAVING purposes if done right. This alter doesn't give a shit what screaming voices or trying-to-front other alters are forcing on her; she'll spit in their face and do the right thing instead. So she's interesting, and I'm glad she exists, but I just wish she wasn't so absolutely hellbent on murdering everything "bad" because often that ends with her TRYING to destroy our body just to "kill the demons in it."

She's the one that demanded we exercise for an hour at 11PM, both to try to heal from that awful binge session of the other girls, and also as "punishment" to push our weak and shaking and stressed body even further until it hopefully "collapsed."
That's a note… at night, unless our body is tired, hungry, and having trouble standing, we're afraid to sleep because we think something is wrong. Most of that is because feeling "full, content, and happy" is viewed with utter scandalized disgust, as such words are horribly sinful and hedonistic, and really indecent. So we live feeling like an icicle or a small green shoot, something thin and small and clear and raw and SAFE.

Anyway. We only got 45 minutes in because let's face it, the exercise bike is loud and people are trying to sleep, and also because I wanted to type something before going to bed.
I'm sharing the bed with Celebi this month as she needs the love (and also it is her official month), but she told me I could share the bed with Chaos Zero tonight if I wanted to, because let's face it, I love him with my entire heart and I miss him terribly and the downstairs people largely have no concept of love and they've been feeding our body the message that "we don't love anyone" lately and that's entirely false.
But he says I should share it with her, after today. That was my plan anyway.


…I had massive amounts of synchronicity immediately upon coming back and fronting while we were exercising. I forget how that set me off. Maybe it was Punch Brothers. Jewel was listening to "Familiarity" (my "Black Light Machine," effectively) and feeling utterly distraught because she was scared and tired and in pain and was convinced that God wasn't listening to her, that He wouldn't deliver her from this terror because He hated her, because He "didn't know her," because "God didn't love her"… and then the chorus came on.
The instant that thought left her head, the song replied, "I love you, I mean it."
And she cried.
She cried, barely able to comprehend what had just happened, and she could barely front for the rest of the song, and then the next thing I'm aware of, I'm sitting on the bike listening to Beachshade and Lord, it's been four days, at the very least, do you have any idea what it's like to not exist for 96 hours in a row?? Or more?
But I was back.
And Relic sang Together by Mesita, and as I sadly sang along the outro suddenly punched me in the chest and I realized this is why I woke up, this is why I'm back now.
…And then out of the dark, Laurie laughed that no one's listened to a System song in weeks out of shame /hatred /disgust /embarrassment, and as I sadly smiled in response, it suddenly hit me that to the downstairs people she didn't exist either, she had NEVER existed, and yet here we were talking as the old friends we were as if we hadn't literally just awoken from the dead.
…


…The downstairs people don't get synchronicity, ever I think, which is heartbreaking. Why? Is it because they feel so isolated and alone, so cut off from each other and the world? Is it because they scoff at compassion? Is it because they turn away in shame from love?
I don't know.

All I know is that I'm glad to be back and I miss my daughter and my loves and my friends and even this blood family and even as I say all this, I feel the downstairs fronters laughing in scorn and spitting in disgust and snarling in hate and why, why why WHY are they like that, why do they still have so much POWER, how can we stop them?

…

We have work tomorrow. Dad got sick so we had two days off this week but no sleep as we still had to get up early for family work and errands, but no matter, it's good to help.

We do need to crack the heck down on taking care of ourself though which means that we need cash to buy healthy food, and we need Emmett and Aimee front-and-center tomorrow, God willing, we'll try.

It's a fight. It's an all-out war, minute by minute, Jewel at least recognized that. The fighting never stops, not with these horribly damaged and malevolent downstairs girls. It's exhausting, but there's nothing else we can do right now.

I'm Hope. I can't deny that. The word shines in my very bones. I need to live that.


It's 12:26AM, good Lord, let me post this and get our poor broken body to sleep.

We're still alive, everyone, God knows how, but I'm thankful for that. We still have a road to walk.

 

We haven't been updating at all lately. Let me try to recap a few days.



- obsessively read westboro baptist stuff from the 15th to the 18th, got us horrifically scared and upset and we were a wreck for that entire week as a result. don't want to re-think about it now. it was toxic even though we believed it 100% at the time. it just... as selfish and wrong as it might be, and i hope it isn't, we don't want to believe that the all-creator god hates his creations enough to damn them for eternity, and make their lives on earth a living hell. when this church says "thank god for (insert disaster here)!!" claiming that it's his wrath falling on unforgiveable sinners, those who CANNOT be saved allegedly... it scares me. they toss around such shockingly harsh and cruel language, they're so caustic, their sense of "humor" is like salt in an infection... and like so many others, they claim that homosexuality is the ULTIMATE sin basically, and if you're gay, you're not only already headed to hell, but you're dragging the planet down with you. we dealt with enough of that existential dread in 2011, we don't need it again now, please, it's virtually impossible to cope with already.
...it's scary enough because part of us empathizes with that wish for everything to be purged and started over. but we'd never be hateful about it. we can't be. those of us who seem hateful aren't really, we've asked them, it always just collapses into crushing sorrow. there's no real hatred in us and i want it to stay that way.
anyway yeah that was last week.

- around the 18th-20th we were reading a bit about edgar cayce and the dead sea scrolls and all that, the family mentioned it and we decided to look into it again. so that's ongoing. we've been reading scripture a lot more lately as we miss it SO much and it is SO relevant so we're reviewing all the 'related' stuff too, all the other ancient religious texts, etc. we have tons of bookmarks and saved documents and screencaps, literally hundreds, you guys have no idea.

- went to stations of the cross at church on the 19th. WE NEEDED THAT MORE THAN ANYTHING. it was the sort of utterly perfect timing and impossibly deep/relevant message that used to define life for us, the loudest and most incredible sort of synchronicity, and we just wept from how much we missed it, how grateful we were, how much hope it carried in light of the week of hatred preceding it.

- past three days, obsessive reading about diet again, like in 2011 or whenever that was.
kind of scared because all the diets we've tried STILL DON’T WORK. we really need to do our own thing but the ultimate curse is that we don't trust our own judgment, not yet.
trying the raw food diet as it's what our body wants. terrific craving for raw spinach and asparagus lately anyway, unrelated to the diet research amusingly enough. we just want vegetables. nevertheless it's tricky because fruit STILL HURTS and the sugar is STILL tied to hackers and trauma so that's not going to work as-is. we're trying. we're really trying.
going to try hemp seeds or powder and sprouted grains this week, just a little, because eating nothing but raw vegs all day is ideal BUT our body gets miserable and hungry and tired? like it's awful, maybe it's the stress and fatigue giving us detox symptoms or something, maybe it's having 'unhealthy' cravings due to acute anxiety, that can happen. but it's better to have a safe non-veg option in a pinch, so the distraught e.d. alters don't start eating literal garbage out of desperation. poor kids. we're working with them.

- i haven't seen infinitii in too long and it's ripping my heart in half. when ze isn't around you know we're disconnected. i just have to make the extra effort to see hir, even if it's just wearing hir bubble again. you'd be surprised how quickly we get back in tune when that beloved creature shows up. it's probably because ze is this unignorable, emotionally massive reminder OF what we are and what's beyond and what's really worth something. and we need to keep all that in mind more than ever right now.

- wanting to look up music. genre-hunting is the main thing; we LOVE how many new genres have been "invented," it's so specific and varied and idiosyncratic. jay has a list of ones to look into more... pr&b, post-dubstep, art rock, sophisti-pop, trip-hop, nu gaze, future soul... lots of stuff. sounds cool, can't wait to discover new stuff with this.

- basia's "copernicus" has been playing nonstop, loudly, in our head for over 5 days straight. we haven't heard the song probably in over 5 years. so go figure.
also stuck in our head:
"baby you're mine" and "an olive tree" by basia
"unwell" by matchbox 20
"if god made you" by five for fighting
"you are" by charlie wilson
"don’t stop believing" by journey
"don’t stop" by fleetwood mac
and at least one other. however it all has a reason, the lyrics are ALL relevant in some way, that's not a surprise, our head always works that way. always a purpose.
however the big catch is that it's LOUD and it's very upsetting, like someone blasting a speaker in our brain from morning to night. (this could be related to the stress/sensory overload in that sense, and our mind is mirroring the external "noise" in a non-harmful way?) so when it gets too bad, we have to start consciously blasting "song of the ancients" or "esurientes" to drown it out. it takes ALL our concentration though so it's tiring.
it's making it hard to talk to anyone in headspace too because it's just noise, noise, noise. gotta put on some quiet stuff on spotify tonight and see if we can put different song roots in.

- no sleep. 4 hours on sunday and monday. 6 last night I think? but woke up three times during the night I think. not rested at all lately, never really "waking up" during the day, stuff is a fog and it hurts and we're so so so damn tired. we're up super early and we're home super late and we keep having to run errands and drive people places and such so it's too fast paced, too packed. it's exhausting.

- very very disturbing doc appointment yesterday. 'female' stuff, mandatory 2-3 year checkup thing. very telling that, I recall the last time we had such an appointment, we were shaken up and upset but no big meltdowns I don’t think? but yeah this time we could barely get redressed because we were choke-sobbing and rocking back and forth on the examination table and it was horrendous, our whole body was nauseous and in pain like a bruise, when we got out to the car a CHILD alter came out and started weeping and wailing like you wouldn’t believe. laurie actually had to cofront with them to comfort them, she was distraught, at a loss. the kid's a little boy, that's typical, but color is unsure. we want to find people INSIDE if possible. that's where the healing occurs best.

- at church last saturday. the disheveled "jessica" who's always angry in a desperate hopeful self-hating way, has decided that she wants to change. she's taken the name "cecelia" and she's in the lime hues, although that's now just showing as a sort of sheen over her browns. but yeah this is super super good news.

- past two nights, marathon re-reading "kill six billion demons," after forgetting about that comic for like two years. fantastically inspiring, helped us with getting some of our own concepts into better coherence, going to have to type leaguestuff tonight about it. anyway it's SUCH a good webcomic. some tar/plague ish upsetting stuff in the 'scriptures' but nothing we can't transmute into wisdom.

- one library in the valley had the last two "young wizards" books. at last. time to read.
we also took out "high wizardry" again because that one was so intriguing and the ending moved us so deeply, i'll never forget it. to think that when we first read it as a kid we never finished it, i guess it waited until the right time.

- disability hearing this morning, FINALLY, took a couple years. wattson spoke through most of it, but cannon edged in a little, as did overload? and of course we had to push through the a.p. at first. anyway it's done, now we wait to hear back.
speaking of waiting, we were so anxious when we got there that when we were in the waiting room, DREAD was fronting of all people, but so was a lime-spectrum person who kept resonating with the name "panic" fittingly. like marigold, they hold heavy anxiety, but this person is hypersensitive to sound in that respect. like running at 500% all the time, every little thing is so loud. i'm glad we've 'found' them, i knew there was someone like that for ages.



i'm exhausted. listening to jeff beck "cause we're ending as lovers" live at ronnie scotts! dad gave us this album a while back and it's such a good vibe. we saw the live performance on tv once, wow, wow. incredible stuff.

but yeah i'm tired. we all are it leaks out from the body essentially, gets to everyone. jay says we need to put extra effort into remembering our dreams lately, we haven't been due to waking up too too too fast, too suddenly. xenophon asked him the other day, upon waking, what his dream was, and that did help. but yeah maybe remembering our dreams again would help us feel "real" and alive again. when we dont remember our whole sense of reality is skewed and warped. it's like we're missing literally half our entire life.

sleep. tomorrow is thursday, meaning we don't get home until like 8:30 pm. busy day.
friday we have work and stations of the cross, don't know if anything else will come up.
then saturday is POKEMON DAY so we'll see what happens there.

i already can't spell to type i'm so tired so good night.