prismaticbleed | Entries tagged with fronter:dread

We haven't been updating at all lately. Let me try to recap a few days.

- obsessively read westboro baptist stuff from the 15th to the 18th, got us horrifically scared and upset and we were a wreck for that entire week as a result. don't want to re-think about it now. it was toxic even though we believed it 100% at the time. it just... as selfish and wrong as it might be, and i hope it isn't, we don't want to believe that the all-creator god hates his creations enough to damn them for eternity, and make their lives on earth a living hell. when this church says "thank god for (insert disaster here)!!" claiming that it's his wrath falling on unforgiveable sinners, those who CANNOT be saved allegedly... it scares me. they toss around such shockingly harsh and cruel language, they're so caustic, their sense of "humor" is like salt in an infection... and like so many others, they claim that homosexuality is the ULTIMATE sin basically, and if you're gay, you're not only already headed to hell, but you're dragging the planet down with you. we dealt with enough of that existential dread in 2011, we don't need it again now, please, it's virtually impossible to cope with already.
...it's scary enough because part of us empathizes with that wish for everything to be purged and started over. but we'd never be hateful about it. we can't be. those of us who seem hateful aren't really, we've asked them, it always just collapses into crushing sorrow. there's no real hatred in us and i want it to stay that way.
anyway yeah that was last week.

- around the 18th-20th we were reading a bit about edgar cayce and the dead sea scrolls and all that, the family mentioned it and we decided to look into it again. so that's ongoing. we've been reading scripture a lot more lately as we miss it SO much and it is SO relevant so we're reviewing all the 'related' stuff too, all the other ancient religious texts, etc. we have tons of bookmarks and saved documents and screencaps, literally hundreds, you guys have no idea.

- went to stations of the cross at church on the 19th. WE NEEDED THAT MORE THAN ANYTHING. it was the sort of utterly perfect timing and impossibly deep/relevant message that used to define life for us, the loudest and most incredible sort of synchronicity, and we just wept from how much we missed it, how grateful we were, how much hope it carried in light of the week of hatred preceding it.

- past three days, obsessive reading about diet again, like in 2011 or whenever that was.
kind of scared because all the diets we've tried STILL DON’T WORK. we really need to do our own thing but the ultimate curse is that we don't trust our own judgment, not yet.
trying the raw food diet as it's what our body wants. terrific craving for raw spinach and asparagus lately anyway, unrelated to the diet research amusingly enough. we just want vegetables. nevertheless it's tricky because fruit STILL HURTS and the sugar is STILL tied to hackers and trauma so that's not going to work as-is. we're trying. we're really trying.
going to try hemp seeds or powder and sprouted grains this week, just a little, because eating nothing but raw vegs all day is ideal BUT our body gets miserable and hungry and tired? like it's awful, maybe it's the stress and fatigue giving us detox symptoms or something, maybe it's having 'unhealthy' cravings due to acute anxiety, that can happen. but it's better to have a safe non-veg option in a pinch, so the distraught e.d. alters don't start eating literal garbage out of desperation. poor kids. we're working with them.

- i haven't seen infinitii in too long and it's ripping my heart in half. when ze isn't around you know we're disconnected. i just have to make the extra effort to see hir, even if it's just wearing hir bubble again. you'd be surprised how quickly we get back in tune when that beloved creature shows up. it's probably because ze is this unignorable, emotionally massive reminder OF what we are and what's beyond and what's really worth something. and we need to keep all that in mind more than ever right now.

- wanting to look up music. genre-hunting is the main thing; we LOVE how many new genres have been "invented," it's so specific and varied and idiosyncratic. jay has a list of ones to look into more... pr&b, post-dubstep, art rock, sophisti-pop, trip-hop, nu gaze, future soul... lots of stuff. sounds cool, can't wait to discover new stuff with this.

- basia's "copernicus" has been playing nonstop, loudly, in our head for over 5 days straight. we haven't heard the song probably in over 5 years. so go figure.
also stuck in our head:
"baby you're mine" and "an olive tree" by basia
"unwell" by matchbox 20
"if god made you" by five for fighting
"you are" by charlie wilson
"don’t stop believing" by journey
"don’t stop" by fleetwood mac
and at least one other. however it all has a reason, the lyrics are ALL relevant in some way, that's not a surprise, our head always works that way. always a purpose.
however the big catch is that it's LOUD and it's very upsetting, like someone blasting a speaker in our brain from morning to night. (this could be related to the stress/sensory overload in that sense, and our mind is mirroring the external "noise" in a non-harmful way?) so when it gets too bad, we have to start consciously blasting "song of the ancients" or "esurientes" to drown it out. it takes ALL our concentration though so it's tiring.
it's making it hard to talk to anyone in headspace too because it's just noise, noise, noise. gotta put on some quiet stuff on spotify tonight and see if we can put different song roots in.

- no sleep. 4 hours on sunday and monday. 6 last night I think? but woke up three times during the night I think. not rested at all lately, never really "waking up" during the day, stuff is a fog and it hurts and we're so so so damn tired. we're up super early and we're home super late and we keep having to run errands and drive people places and such so it's too fast paced, too packed. it's exhausting.

- very very disturbing doc appointment yesterday. 'female' stuff, mandatory 2-3 year checkup thing. very telling that, I recall the last time we had such an appointment, we were shaken up and upset but no big meltdowns I don’t think? but yeah this time we could barely get redressed because we were choke-sobbing and rocking back and forth on the examination table and it was horrendous, our whole body was nauseous and in pain like a bruise, when we got out to the car a CHILD alter came out and started weeping and wailing like you wouldn’t believe. laurie actually had to cofront with them to comfort them, she was distraught, at a loss. the kid's a little boy, that's typical, but color is unsure. we want to find people INSIDE if possible. that's where the healing occurs best.

- at church last saturday. the disheveled "jessica" who's always angry in a desperate hopeful self-hating way, has decided that she wants to change. she's taken the name "cecelia" and she's in the lime hues, although that's now just showing as a sort of sheen over her browns. but yeah this is super super good news.

- past two nights, marathon re-reading "kill six billion demons," after forgetting about that comic for like two years. fantastically inspiring, helped us with getting some of our own concepts into better coherence, going to have to type leaguestuff tonight about it. anyway it's SUCH a good webcomic. some tar/plague ish upsetting stuff in the 'scriptures' but nothing we can't transmute into wisdom.

- one library in the valley had the last two "young wizards" books. at last. time to read.
we also took out "high wizardry" again because that one was so intriguing and the ending moved us so deeply, i'll never forget it. to think that when we first read it as a kid we never finished it, i guess it waited until the right time.

- disability hearing this morning, FINALLY, took a couple years. wattson spoke through most of it, but cannon edged in a little, as did overload? and of course we had to push through the a.p. at first. anyway it's done, now we wait to hear back.
speaking of waiting, we were so anxious when we got there that when we were in the waiting room, DREAD was fronting of all people, but so was a lime-spectrum person who kept resonating with the name "panic" fittingly. like marigold, they hold heavy anxiety, but this person is hypersensitive to sound in that respect. like running at 500% all the time, every little thing is so loud. i'm glad we've 'found' them, i knew there was someone like that for ages.

i'm exhausted. listening to jeff beck "cause we're ending as lovers" live at ronnie scotts! dad gave us this album a while back and it's such a good vibe. we saw the live performance on tv once, wow, wow. incredible stuff.

but yeah i'm tired. we all are it leaks out from the body essentially, gets to everyone. jay says we need to put extra effort into remembering our dreams lately, we haven't been due to waking up too too too fast, too suddenly. xenophon asked him the other day, upon waking, what his dream was, and that did help. but yeah maybe remembering our dreams again would help us feel "real" and alive again. when we dont remember our whole sense of reality is skewed and warped. it's like we're missing literally half our entire life.

sleep. tomorrow is thursday, meaning we don't get home until like 8:30 pm. busy day.
friday we have work and stations of the cross, don't know if anything else will come up.
then saturday is POKEMON DAY so we'll see what happens there.

i already can't spell to type i'm so tired so good night.

Guys I have to show you the snow today it was HEAVENLY.

I want to go outside and run in it forever. This is the sort of weather that just makes my heart burst with joy, it makes me so blissfully happy no matter what.
It is how my soul feels, in the inside. Exactly so. It's this... incomprehensible fragile intricacy, all that ice all over the trees, the fine lines of black against the crystal chill... like lace, like little fractals.
It's powdery too, which means I can go outside and run in it, and it feels like magic. I did that today. I will do it again tomorrow.
Oh yeah, about the pics. Photo #1 is the "favorite cherry tree" in the foreground that some social(s) have mentioned before. Past it, that dropoff is the "back hill" that we dream about sometimes-- in dreams there's a full river down there, and typically lots of wolves.
Photo #2 is another view of that hill, straight-on
Photo #3 is the front ledge where we stood in this dream, with the ice bubbles. Behind it is Diamew.
Photo #4 is the front hill straight-on. That hill is the entrance to There in dreams; there's usually a huge fallen tree across a river there, and it's much steeper. Again, Diamew is barely visible in the far right.
Photo #5 is the area beside the garden, which in dreams is the road to Ephenburgh. It's also where we used to explore in the childhood, although memory is sparse. There's just a feeling of rich depth to those woods, how far back it goes. To the left there (back in the woods) is technically Orocell, a sub-area of Diamew. There's a fallen strangly tree there that landmarks it.
BUT YES we live in heaven and it is so nice you have no idea how happy I am about this. I even found a candy cane in the house and even though I couldn't eat it it felt like Christmas, legit.

Song of the night, because I can, here you go. It sounds like early happy sunlit mornings. Even though it's LATE LATE. But it matches the smile-peace of late hours pretty well too. It's that delicate time period... late night, early morning. Quiet and soft and clear. Morning just has that bit of a bright sparkle to it, like that song! But it'll be here soon enough, haha. Let's be asleep by then, I hope.

Mage Angels jumped me with ANOTHER plot-changing revelation yesterday, so I was up until 4AM researching all sorts of stuff, stockpiling global maps and ethnicity data and bits from the Book of Revelation. It's exhausting. That series has a weird "feel" to it right now, a tiring feel as well as a too-much-data one. I need to tune back into its story, or else it will become so intellectualized I'll lose sight of its truth. Intuition is key with writing these things; the best bet is to just relax, open a figurative door/window, and see if anything comes in. Trying to "control" the growth or information just makes everything false and wrong. So I should maybe put this on pause soon? I can't force a break-- it'll stop talking when it decides it's done, not when I decide-- but I'll see if any other World wants to sing just as loud.
Dream World never stops, of course. There is SO MUCH SHEER WORLDBUILDING that needs to be done for it, but I'm not really diving into anything else UNTIL I finish this bloody Typecode system, good heavens. It's making more sense lately, though, the more I "get out of my head" when working on it... I need to stop treating that stuff like "game mechanics" because it's NOT. It's an element of their lives. It's organic, and heart-based, and it's not as set-in-stone as my organizational brain might want it to ultimately be.
The other perpetually-being-worked-on point is the spiritual/religious system there, what with the Prophets & Seers & Guardians and all that. It's very interesting, and I keep finding out more about it, almost daily. I really really love the individuals who hold those roles in the "story," so I'm enjoying this work no matter how massive it is.
Also, E, I am working on your art request but my deciding who/what to draw unexpectedly triggered a hugely vital bit of plot development, and my workload kind of exploded so I'm sorry for the delay. (thank you though, i've been trying to fine-tune this particular bit of stuff for years.)

In therapy we're finally talking about family problems, although Monday was messy because the topic was so instantly "traumatic" that DREAD switched out unannounced and really worried the therapist (he doesn't respond or move). Then "Hatchet" (miss "manic red," she's working with us more actively now since she feels her existence is threatened if she doesn't; to quote her she's "throwing [my] lot in with the lot") fronted for a WHILE (again) and honestly I'm still kind of shocked at how fiery she is. She's aware of the floating voices and the trauma and the like, but she will not tolerate it and actively expresses rage against it being "ridiculous," even if she "feels sorry for" those who are still enduring it (she can't really comprehend the "bluer" emotions (green and up) well, it goes against her function). Basically she DOES have potential to be good, and she is acting on it, she just needs to grow into it more. There are so many social splinters, it's confusing. We're learning constantly though.
Jay also fronted during therapy and mentioned the whole "visual aid" thing, in light of how most of us don't announce ourselves upon fronting (due to always being in "stealth mode" for safety's sake, as well as because of the ignorance of most socials of awareness of the Spectrum itself). Sherlock's glasses were mentioned, as was his beard. The therapist also brought up Laurie's posture (she owns every chair she sits in) which is one of the "loudest" visual affectations any of us have when fronting.
I forget what else was mentioned. It was mostly struggling to discuss the family topic. We talked about memory loss and massive depersonalization from the "past life" as a result, etc. I think on Thursday we are going to make a super-strong effort to actually discuss trauma. The psychiatrist emphasized that too; she's acutely concerned about us (if we're judging her behavior correctly) and told us specifically to "open up more" in therapy, which we promised we would.

We're a little scared because we've been "beating up the body" lately too much, through deprivation and passive abuse and the like, and it's starting to get sick. However there IS a silver lining to this; we are at a point in our development and healing where this feels like the "end of the line," the final stamp on our struggle with this situation, forcing us to review what we learned and stamp it into solid practice immediately.
Looking back on just the past 4 months, even if we've felt stuck, with how difficult a lot of this stuff is, there is still a surprising amount of visible and measurable progress. That means a LOT to us, to be able to SEE a shift in the right direction even if we've felt like we've been going in futile circles. We haven't been. So that's good. Again, we just need to really "lock in" that progress now that we have it achieved.

There have been two "hacks" in the past two days. They're shrouded in numbness so we can't talk about them right now. Jay and Laurie also think we should use a different term for "hacks" of that sort, as they don't follow the old 'format,' so to speak... Laurie says they're more like Trojan horses. Sneak attacks, almost. More like... an attack that doesn't bleed, and might not even hurt much, but that still does serious damage. It's a Plague hack, not a Tar hack, essentially. I guess that's the most accurate differention we have, haha.
Even so we might try to have a small Xanga session tomorrow, for the sake of getting a grip before therapy. There is at least one social who admits sabotaging our efforts to do that, but she's learning empathy so maybe we can reason it out with her.

We need to sleep now though. We're only going to get 7 hours, tops, as it stands-- tomorrow is the huge errand day, as the grandparents get their paycheck and we can FINALLY buy food (March was hell; our pipes froze and we had to spend a ton of cash on laundry).
I'm still in debt for that same reason and that is worrying me but I am going to TRY commissions soon. I just need to be very very clear on what I will NOT draw, because the last few attempts collapsed for that reason. Art should be about joy and creativity, not stress and worry and stepping all over my personal integrity.

EASTER IS COMING and that is super fantastic glorious. It feels like it's going to be significant in a quieter way this year, but no less potent. We'll see.
I find it terribly ironic that Chocoloco is, quite literally, a chocolate rabbit and yet he threatens to strangle me every time I so much as look at Easter candy. I'm glad he's that loud and insistent though. There are still lots of younger socials who don't realize sugar is a threat because they interpret it as sweetness in a psychological sense and DON'T KNOW how "food" even works. So we'll need to talk to them too, if we can reach them....
Geez there's so much work to do inside too. No wonder we're so worn down. We haven't taken a break since the surgery, and even then it was short-lived; we jumped back into daily life as soon as we could. But I think we need to learn to rest. Safely.
That too, reminder-- safe exercise was brought up today, what with "compartmentalization of functions" for that very purpose, and how VITAL that compartmentalization is to our well-being. Also remember Hyakinth's real job, that's a whole new ball game too.

Okay, it's 1AM. Good night everybody.
Enjoy the snow if you have any where you are!!

update.
hack this morning. sadly. just BARELY, though.

with infi for a while first? absolutely bizarre as usual. it's hard to remember anything after being with hir because it uses weird parts of the mind. but i love hir. anyway heart connections are still a thing. thank god.
then eating hearts. really weird. infi started it but I don’t know why or when. could have been a cathartic thing.
blood strange colors. both were vaguely iridescent. mine was almost clear?? bizarre because internally I used to have black "dreamblood" (like genesis) and infi's was pure white. not so now, it's very hard to explain. like they're both clear-ish but reflecting black/white respectively anyway? like prism glass.

I kept warning infi not to slip, regardless of what was occurring. I had NO problems, graciously. infi thanked me; ze does slip due to hir daemon nature but I was watching out for hir.
stayed FAR away from anything that could have caused a hack, we knew the triggers now and I am naturally loathsome of them, so I was not under any threat at ALL.

at some point laurie ended up there, I think infi called her or she decided to check on us for safety's sake. anyway infi decided to hand me over to her without restoring me to normal coherence, so I ended up catching her resonance and hitting a sort of ecstatically pained state. no idea how it happened but I am very glad it did.
worse than the 7 swords morning, if possible. I was literally incoherent from the bliss of it, ironically because it hurt terribly, but that was the point. laurie was actually laughing at me, good-naturedly, over that. 30 minutes though good lord
infinitii stood by and said laurie was still impervious, there was no threat at all of either of us being used. laurie said no shit, she didn't operate anywhere near that level.

cz and genesis showed up later, BUT they apparently held lingering tar, CAUSED the hack, accidentally
chaos had the "utah vibe" stuck to him still, as soon as I saw that I FELT something was very wrong, got nervous. it did not feel like him and it frightened me.
genesis still has his own internalized trauma and I don’t think he ever dealt with it really. so that was resonating too, unfortunately.

I don’t know how the hack happened because as soon as I saw cz giving off that bad vibe I COMPLETELY dissociated and the next thing I remember was dread fronting momentarily, because zis self-perception in the body is out of it somehow and that was clear. when dread is fronting ze really isn't "all the way in it;" ze can be "detached" from it entirely and still be fronting entirely and aware. which is interesting. helped keep us stable and kept out hackers while the body tried to recover.

retributors worrying over this. "do we need someone to take hack fallout?" I spoke up then (disembodied), said NO-- if such a person existed, they would basically make hack fallout "okay." if such a person could just "endure" that terror and pain with a shrug, then it would subconsciously tell the brain that such terror/pain WAS okay. and it's not. so I said that instead we needed to stay OUT of the body entirely after hacks, just everyone gather upstairs and deal with it there. that way we were guaranteed coherent and nonviolent. dread had accomplished that mostly today, but his tendency to completely numb-out wasn't safe; it could cause an actual numb period afterwards if it hit hard enough.

girl responsible for the hack switch was found!! looked like lace, which was scary; more innocent image corruption? heavy long loose-curl hair, dark brown. wearing white? I think. not good.
laurie got out her axe and went after her as soon as i shakily gave her the data.
she kissed me fiercely on the cheek before she left, that went straight to my heart

at some point I saw knife talking to razor about atoning? very clear "sibling" feeling between them, touching really. razor clarified then that this was her art (we had just revisited the topic in therapy and didn't know if her thoughts had changed), she couldn’t do the "paper cutting" thing because it was too precise and delicate, it would require her anchor to change. so she didn't mind her job anymore, she now saw it as art as-is. anyway she said she'd do the atoning for that hack if she needed to, but obviously she wasn't glad one had occurred. knife wasn't either, he never is, poor man was torn up about it.

knife later said I didn’t have to atone, I said why? he said because laurie said she'd carry it
I said no, no that’s not fair, I wont let her bear the curse of my sins, but knife was teary too and wouldn’t let me go; i was actually fighting to get out of his arms and go find her. the intensity of love and indignant rage I was feeling shocked me; emotions have been mostly missing lately. knife let go, quietly asked then if that is what it would take to get me to fight again? not angrily-- more sadly, empathetically. I said yes. yes I would do anything to protect her from that. and I swear, if suddenly she is the only one paying in blood, I would rather spill my own than allow a reason for her to do so.

later on laurie was talking to lynne about this but the julie walked in, grave-cuts on her arms. laurie freaked out, julie said she chose to carry them.
laurie said "I took this pain so no one else would have to." heartbroken. didn’t want anyone else suffering, she tried to take all of it.
julie told her that she wasn’t the only one that felt that way, though. julie said she had been responsible for this stuff in the past, and so chose to do the same as laurie in this case.
julie asked if she could bandage up her arms, though, with ribbons. laurie made her sit down next to her and did so, fighting back sobs the whole time. julie was oddly calm, almost fiercely so, but she softened up here and told laurie "thank you for being that way"-- "thank you for showing me that you can have edges and still be soft inside," essentially. said that was very important for her as the pink core.
julie paused and said, somewhat incredulously, "you're even more innocent than I am, arent you? no wonder they're after you." laurie laughed, "does this mean you're protecting me too?" julie said yeah, apparently so. laurie made a comment about sugar here, feeling bad that she was trying to push her into that role when julie already held the job (but no one realized it).

laurie hugged lynne at one point, the feeling was mutual. I remember laurie said "I really love you guys, you know?" and lynne said she loved her too, they all did, even if laurie didn't always realize it. everyone she cared for, cared for her just as much in return.

javier had been in the room here, talking to lynne, but around now he left and was just standing in the hall? also holding back tears, said he needed to get a grip on things.

good news though, cz has all but moved into the central aqua slot (yes really!); he just needs to clarify his new name. it's amazing though because he was slipping for a while (I didn’t help, what with my doubts) and yet now his vibe is crystal clear. he knows who he is, wont compromise that.
i am so worried about gen though, my best friend, i adore him. i didnt realize that maybe he didn't really deal with this yet, not entirely. i should have known, seeing how he reacts around infinitii. i swear i will take one-on-one time with him asap and help him like he has helped me. i will.
oh i have to tell you though. last month we were grocery shopping (right before surgery i think?), me and gen and then cz joined us. but they were talking, as we walked down the frozen food aisle. then gen just reached into a freezer, took out a carton of ice cream, summed a spoon and then just started eating THE ENTIRE CARTON as we walked, totally nonchalantly. i was cracking up, it was hilarious.
also valentines day, I got gen a balloon, he loved it. his whole "for me?" grin from the back of the car is still glowing in my head really
but later he was eating conversation hearts in that same grocery store, said it was because I wasn't eating them, he would. "gotta celebrate somehow." he picked out one, (be mine), said "well that's kinda problematic." paused, then tipped the entire bag into his mouth. it was not a small bag. see this is what i have to live with, it's great.

sorry that is all I remember for today; I had a ton of busywork to do in the outerlife but at least it feels like we're taking steps forward again.
also last little thing, e, seeing the tags "the outsider, or jay?" on that one post just meant so so much to me, cant quite put that into words. comparisons. the gravity of just that, i suppose. but i agree, the energy is 100% laurie but there's a lot of me in it too.
but its just incredible, you see us, you know what we're like and that is all i've ever dreamed of really and i am so so glad we're friends too.
really thank you everyone, for the snow and the colors and the light and everything. all the little thoughts, "hey this reminds me of them." it means the world.
that's kind of why therapy this week was incredible please remind me to talk about it, that is why i'm still awake at this ridiculous hour.

it is 2:30 am and i need to run to the post office tomorrow morning, so i'd better get some sleep now or else it'll be too late for that.

good night to all of you ♥

Good evening. This is Mulberry Delta. I've asked Sherlock, Laurie, and the full cast of Retributors if I may write tonight's update in their place, for the sake of the responsibility I feel towards them and cannot otherwise act upon.
There was a hack tonight. That is the most outstanding and direct detail. Garrison and the other Archivists have details but I choose not to look at them; that is not for me to know and I feel it would be rather disturbing to me.
I have a candle lit. I like to light them when things like this occur, as they give me a feeling of peace and prayer. With a candle burning, I feel we have a vigil of hope.
Atonement has resumed. Sherlock says there were "heartfelt thoughts" concerning that topic earlier this evening, when Jay was driving home from what is described as a rather synchronistic grocery outing.

Let me resume the main topic, forgive me. Sherlock is handing me the data so it may be a little choppy.
…This pains me to type. Simeon was screaming, with tears. It shocks me that he was the one to carry the consequences instead of Jeremiah. …Garrison says that was possibly on purpose, as Jeremiah was badly disturbed last night? I do not know how, but they claim he was badly shaken up early this morning and that event was extremely painful emotionally for the rest of us to become aware of. As I know Simeon is a very selfless and kindhearted boy, it does not surprise me to think that he would take on that pain in his stead, to spare him extra shock and fear, but it still hurts my heart to think that he, a child, would have to do such a thing in the first place. This is why I am glad that my friends, the Retributors, are "back in business." They bring a light and a purifying force of intention into these nights where there would otherwise be none.

Razor was the first to pick up a blade (our only new ones, courtesy of Wreckage). It surprised whoever saw her (I do believe it was Laurie; she was present almost immediately for the sake of keeping things coherent), and there was a question of "are you sure?" but Razor insisted yes, "she had a job to do" and continued. This personally surprises me, as earlier this year she was hellbent on not being a retributor anymore. She currently adds that she "had a change of heart," though.
Knife must have been the second, as there's a strong amount of responsibility surrounding him concerning this incident. None of it is negative, I must emphasize. The retributive half of this event was purely beneficial.
Knife's reaction is the most strongly recorded as well, "emblazoned" in the records. Upon seeing the blood notes on the body, painted by his sister, he apparently picked up the blade and decided to follow suit, re-taking up his original role in camaraderie with her. Immediately after seeing how easily and cleanly this new blade cut, and how quickly the blood sprang up and out, he smiled and began to laugh and cry. One line that was recorded is, "this was my purpose." He was sobbing with a sort of heart-wrenching gratitude the entire time. However, the most surprising aspect of his actions was that, when cleaning out the first rush of purified blood, his first and immediate instinct was to place the cloth in his mouth. We had no idea what he was doing at first, or why the motion had been so strongly instinctive, but then it registered-- he is a vampire, after all. Nevertheless we had never known why he had manifested as one, other than through his retributive connection to blood as a whole, so this was intriguing, especially since it was not motivated by "hunger" but rather by some vague sort of affection. Why this is, we do not yet know. Nevertheless we had to kindly chide him not to actually ingest any blood as we went along, as he was in a very emotionally sensitive state and so that impulse was equally strong.
The third person to appear was Algorith, who was mainly wishing aloud that she wouldn't have to "clean up" after anyone, as her first and only previous experience with that was painful enough for her to not want to relive it ever again. She cut a few scars, but not much is recorded for her. She, however, did comment that "Simeon was in the body" trying to keep her from harming it, due to a childlike dislike of pain. Data is vague but I do believe she gently but briefly explained her motivations to him, for which he moved aside.
The fourth person to appear was Sugar, rather suddenly as someone was cleaning the blood off the arms. She was "triggered" by the image of it on the cloth, surprisingly, as the pattern was strongly similar to that of her face "tattoos," all graceful delicate dots and lines. Garrison says that data, stored through her awareness, didn't register as blood at all, but instead as a "butterfly-esque" work of art, in terms of fragile beauty? That is interesting, thank you.
The fifth last person to appear, and the one who left the strongest energy residue in the body, was Wreckage. Sherlock says there's "no clear data" for a lot of this, as the event wasn't focused on archiving, but rather on immediately living in focus. So we're simply recording this for posterity, as they say, not for literal accuracy. Just a reminder.
Wreckage was angry, but she burns her anger in a condensed way, very differently from Laurie would in the same situation. So her main concern was how "ferocious" the hack had been, who was responsible, and how we could prevent this in the future. Sorry, the body is becoming very tired from stress shutdown so I may have to summarize this. Wreckage speaks "through her teeth," in a sense, as hers are very large and they give her a very identifiable speaking style when fronting. That was recorded clearly. The energy overlay of her claws was too, as she was momentarily distressed that she did not have them, instead owning only blunt fingers in this body. She insisted that she cut at least one scar, to "share in the responsibility" as a fellow Retributor, especially since she felt she should have detected and stopped this hack before it happened (something that likely would have been near-impossible in this situation). There's a data picture of her using the blade as a claw, saying she would "only cut a small one," and then there's a very strong string of data of her actually cutting a rather deep scar on the arm. Laurie jumped up in shock, asking her why she was being so ferocious about it, but Wreckage said it could have been much deeper, and besides, she felt it was more 'reverent' to be that deliberate, in light of the situation's gravity. Laurie agreed, and Knife also sided with Wreckage's sentiments.
The last clear data we have of Wreckage is of her cleaning up the blood and, upon seeing it slightly 'clot' upon drying, thinking it was Tar. Understandably she demanded an explanation, and then also asked if it was healthy for Knife to be wanting to ingest it if it was indeed so corrupted. Surprisingly, at these questions, Infinitii showed up. He said that, upon being 'bled out' into the air, the "red energy" was purified of Tar, hence why the atonement was needed. However he and Laurie then told Knife that the human body could not eat blood anyway, so it would be wise for him to not do that so eagerly. I do believe there was also a comment about there still being a risk of corruption as far as motives were concerned? Like, if Knife ate too much of the atoned blood, it would be akin to eating a "sacrifice," therefore being spiritually unhealthy. Apparently his small, oddly reverent actions of consuming it earlier were perfectly safe and allowed, especially in light of whatever their function was.

Julie showed up sometime during all this, furious and in tears, perfectly understandably. The thought that the same thing that had used her was still using us, and harming children as a result, was enough to make her blood boil. Sherlock says she asked Laurie, somewhat accusingly, "why she wasn't so angry too," and Laurie notably commented that Julie felt anger because she understood what it was like to endure such events, from a very direct perspective, and that if she were to empathize with the wounded that directly, it would probably emotionally destroy her. Laurie, however, could not understand that side of this situation, ever-- her very function of existence negates it. However, her function also includes her bearing the pain of others on an empathetic level, so she was able to feel the heartbreak and crushing sorrow that the wounded might be too scared or numb or furious to feel on their own. They both react with anger towards the hackers, and they both want to heal the hurt and prevent future pain, but they both feel and show it in very different ways.

Dread, the "dead red boy" (he seems to have temporarily chosen this name), was our main intermittent fronter for this whole thing. Healthily, he feels things "neutrally": without labeling them as 'good' or 'bad.' So he was able to simply 'exist in the moment' even as the Retributors were dealing with hack fallout all around him. Dread does not seem to feel any emotions, but again, this is not apathy, it is simply a sort of neutral zone. Unfortunately this peace only occurs in equally peaceful situations as of yet. Dread can and does still front in situations were emotions would be more traumatic than numbness, such as last night, but his 'neutrality' in those events is tinged with a very real feeling of fear, that functions as a sort of danger siren. After all, it is not healthy to endure such events for longer than is demanded or unavoidable, as we have learned from past failures. Thankfully Dread is not an apathetic fronter, so he does not do this. He recognizes and accepts the background fear that called him out, and so even though he will bear that in lieu of the pain of others, he will not stay longer than he must.

Jay is a little scared by all the cuts on the body, as he is the one who has to deal with them at night (I honestly haven't noticed them the entire time I've been typing; perhaps others are prevented from feeling that if they aren't tied to it?), but he has already emphasized rather sincerely that "he loves all of us," even in the wake of such an event, and he "hoped that love counted for something." Laurie insisted that it did, more than he knew, especially in light of what had just happened. I have to say I agree with her; having our core react with compassion and love for the entire System regardless of current pain, instead of regret or hate or anger or fear, seems to hold things together no matter what happens. I think we'll heal faster from this too. It is somewhat shocking to me even now, to see that the hack itself hasn't left much of a mark at all, at least not noticeably, as it is being drowned out by the collective hope and companionship and healing we've all endeavored to bring out in its wake.

Oh! One last note, this was just forwarded to me by Jay. Apparently Razor has decided that working with crayons might be her artistic outlet in lieu of cutting things? Someone used them as a "stress outlet" on… Sunday, Sherlock says? That entire day is noted as "very interesting," as there was a great deal of color synaesthesia tied to emotions and fronters? Something along those lines, but I'm being told not to write about that here. You'll have to be patient then.

I suppose that is all I have to say tonight. Sherlock says that'll do for now, thank you for helping me by the way.
Jay has a lot to say about "Outspacers" and System maps in the near future? He's apparently been working a lot with both of those topics lately, which is good to hear. We've been a bit of a mess since December, to paraphrase Laurie as of late. She took it harder than any of us, it seems.

Garrison wants me to add that the hackers are as of yet unidentified, and that they are still using positivity as weapons against us? It's difficult to type, this must be a touchy topic. Laurie says "of course it is, they've been using this to keep him and Chaos apart for years." I'll leave that as-is, I'm sure that says enough about the problem on its own without me going into details. It is a serious problem though, that needs to be emphasized above all else. "It needs to stop," at all costs.

Lastly, there is apparently a "newly manifested" voice in the Crimson slot, who is apparently the "splinter of Razor" that Knife has been suspecting since last year?? I was not aware of this. Apparently she was splitting on her anchor and that could not be reconciled, so she went through a time period of "mental division" similar to how Sugar did, until a color slot opened up that matched that "new person" so they could break of and become their own person? I'm sorry, this is a bit overwhelming but that's what I've got in terms of data here. Sherlock, take over for me.
All right. You'll all know, Sugar was badly split for several months in terms of her anchor, also because several faceless voices were sharing that same anchor at the time. We've pinpointed that Wreckage was the latest and last person to show up from that string of individuals, and she has officially "taken over" Sugar's original chosen anchor, that of violent rage towards those who would use Pink energy (affection, childlike sweetness) for lurid and otherwise harmful purposes. That's the short version. However, Razor was also conflicted because she originally shared her very consciousness with Cannon, as well as the Tar, back when the BLC was first discovered. When she became her own person, that anchor had not changed, but her personality no longer matched it. So she appears to have been in a similar state to that of Sugar for quite some time now, and as of today we finally have conclusive evidence of there being a Crimson-slot voice (now that Eros is confirmed demanifested) that holds the exact personality break Razor had been shifting to and from during her Tar-tied days. I hope that's not all hopeless jargon to the lot of you. Nevertheless, yes, this was a sort of "aha" moment for me, as I recognize this energy and I do wish to write about this in the future when it is not midnight and the body is not desperately trying to recover from blood loss and toxic food and lack of sleep. I apologize for that.

The green "oni girl" is indeed still alive as well, she is not a Retributor, but rather a sort of Protector. However she is still nameless and is not yet able to interact with headspace without glitching out, as her anchor is still rooted Downstairs. We will be trying to work with her more in the near future as well.
The "Victorian Pink" girl's name is confirmed to be Ashen, as it stuck.
"Pinstripe," aka Jayce, is still an anomaly in terms of color and function, for the record. He may be a Sub of Brown, Aqua, or White at this point.
And of course the Outspacer phenomenon is being duly studied by Jay, as any and all concrete data on it now will greatly aid all of us in understanding how the Spectum lineup works a little better.

That is all for tonight, I believe we have spoken enough. Thank you in turn, Mulberry, for your assistance and dedication to your job. I am honored and grateful to have you as my assistant, and as a dear friend.

Have a good night, as Jay would say.

-Sherlock
- Mulberry Delta

Profile

prismaticbleed

tumblr

December 2025

S	M	T	W	T	F	S
	1	2	3	4	5	6
7	8	9	10	11	12	13
14	15	16	17	18	19	20
21	22	23	24	25	26	27
28	29	30	31

Syndicate

Style Credit

Style: Neutral Good for Practicality by timeasmymeasure

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags

Page generated Jan. 3rd, 2026 05:44 pm

the spectrum heart cathedral system

a prism of souls

Entries tagged with fronter:dread

feb24 & lately

SNOW!!

feb 20 2015

june 10th.