the spectrum heart cathedral system

 

Up until 1 watching Kells

Oblates mass. Home & prayer. Took 40m to say altar ones

Jade pickup for therapy, music in driveway, WHO WAS FRONTING??
Vibe w colorglasses & brothertiger
huge shame undertone that they were PURPOSELY IGNORING. wtf why are socials so toxic

In office, woman threatened child. Sugar triggered, trying to move in despite social barrier. Then woman grabbed the child roughly & Wreckage was OUT, completely without warning, and SPEAKING. Voice volume forced down & fronting dulled, but she was THERE. Felt her teeth, posture change, hands shifted. "Leave him alone" I heard her growl.

No wifi so reading Max Lucado book. SHOCKED at how hard it hits.
The passage about ANGER turning from an emotion into a FORCE or SOURCE OF ENERGY??? Like a food (or hyperamped energy drink) that is keeping you alive but slowly killing you. "If you take away the zealots anger, what does she have left?" To surrender their anger is to surrender their reason to live.
MANY NOUSFONI ARE LIKE THAT. Crusade is, Cannon used to be.

Passage about "clearing the ground of the soul garden" = greed pinged BRIDGET & MISSY????????
Bridget has VERY green eyes but still brownbase hair. Dress & earrings. Realized she's not "greed" so much as vanity?? Feeling of dressing up & buying VANITY things, but not to have-- only to BOAST? Or SCORNFULLY IMPRESS??? She doesn't vibe with "purchasing," only the "looking rich." LIKE MOM.
Whereas MISSY is more greedy, but for "GIRLY" things? Like that soft blue color exemplifies. Reminds me of Tumblr "soft pastel aesthetic" moodboards & stuff, all fluff & petite things. Like those pastel color faux-fur "tinsel shape" scarf things EXACTLY. But NOT KIDCORE OR LOLI. Missy is just like 90s/00s "girly" look?
⭐Wondering what it says about their anchors that THEY were originally tied to JULIE, who exemplified tween/teen hyperfeminine schoolgirl sexuality. She was the cheerleader with pigtails & that disturbingly smooth/tight/perky bodytype that EVERY girl we see that age HAS, with the bare gams &

...

Disaster nightmare afternoon
ACCIDENT

"Even my bones are in pain, while all day long my enemies sneer and ask, “Where is your God?”
Psalms 42:10 CEV"


"This is the condemnation, that light is come into the world, and men love darkness rather than light, because their deeds are evil. But men who love darkness must also hate light. Its very presence makes the darkness visible; and nothing cuts to the very quick, like that which makes the heart condemn itself."


(purposely left unfinished. do not want to remember this evening at all)

notes for today so we don't forget.


mom kept calling us. over and over.
it's getting so overwhelming that even when the bratty and spoiled social girls do show up and whine "oh for heaven's sakes!!" "i am so tired" "why won't she stop already??" etc. it's very brief, and shut down quickly. we're going numb just to cope.
even worse, phone calls trigger social mode EVERY TIME. so, if the mother keeps calling, that means we KEEP GETTING FORCED INTO THAT MODE and have to repeatedly force ourselves back afterwards. it's torture. it's psychologically exhausting and painful both, and it shreds our sense of self into pieces.

so. thanks to the phone calls we only got like, four hours of sleep again.

we don't remember waking up or anything. don't remember morning routine. things were a mess. it was so bad that whoever was fronting called julie in to help us get dressed, because having a nousfoni front ACTUALLY WORKS when socials can't function, REMEMBER THAT when the denial and "headspace is bad!!" socials start to jabber.

i do remember getting on the bike to do our exercise and prayers.
oh, after mom woke us up, since we knew she was just going to keep calling and waking us back up, i (yes 'jay') decided to just lay there in bed and say the rosary with chaos 0, because not only does that prevent brainpanic it also helps our schedule later.
so. when we actually did wake up we said the chaplet + eternal rests on the bike, and then tuned into the daily mass livestream which-- since we were so late today-- was from the shrine of our lady of knock, in ireland! the priest had the most wonderful accent, it made us think of both davy & twelve, which was heartwarming.
however! they were also saying a rosary first! so we jumped off the bike and did our daily phone workouts before actual mass.

sorry i'm literally just giving you guys an uncapitalized play-by-play of the day, which isn't really important in the long run. i apologize.
still. years in the future, who knows, being able to look back and remember "ah yes that's what our daily life was like back then" does help with recall.

mother called literally two seconds after mass ended, we didn't even have time to stop the video feed.
forget what it was about. she called a lot today, and yesterday, etc. the poor woman is going through so much right now we don't blame her for reaching out for a listening ear. we're worried about her and do want to help as much as we can.
i just... i cannot deny that it is throwing our mental state into a shambles. our symptoms are starting to spike again.
still... didn't we secretly pray for this, too? we've wanted a mental health minicrisis, to "wake up more nousfoni" and prove that we're ALIVE, that we're not some plastic-smile automaton with no sense of soul. infi's death was necessary but it showed just how dead we all already are, on a frighteningly deep level. so we've been praying for a legit system reboot, a HARD reset, not some slow fading-out. no. push the button in and hold it. when the screen turns back on, i want to see a LOT more colors than before.

where were we.
breakfast was literally at 5pm. yes, mom called again at least twice during that process. at one point someone nearly started slamming drawers, throwing things, and sobbing, because the phone wouldn't stop ringing and shocking us out of awareness and making us forget who we were, as well as what we were doing. they got shut down into numbness too. "it's not proper. it's not christian. bite your tongue. be patient. learn to suffer better." yes but how without it turning back into the toxic catholicism of our childhood? our religion walks such a knife-edge between sacrificial love and loving to sacrifice yourself. and yes there's a difference. the first is the self-giving lamb that offers its life so someone else doesn't have to die. the second is the self-hating lamb that walks up to the butcher knife because it wants to feel that blade between its vertebrate. there's a bloody difference.

we haven't been doing literal bible study in a while. we've been reading commentaries on john's gospel, back to back, wanting a deeper grasp of the theology and symbolism. it's helping a LOT actually; it's greatly deepening our understanding of our faith and love of the scriptures.
we're currently focusing on alexander maclaren's commentaries, because we love his style & his insights. there are a few on studylight we have bookmarked, and then we have lapide's open in another window because those take HOURS to read son
even so. despite how inspiring and informative it is, it's exhausting. i think one day, we're just going to spend our bible time simply reading the bible, not comparing footnotes and translation notes and cross-references and twenty different commentaries at once. it burns us out.

one thing that keeps coming up is the "love is suffering" bit. we're still striving to extricate that from the religious trauma in our childhood. honestly, what helps us understand it better and more clearly than any theological textwalls is... yep, the system and the league.
it's so strange. for our whole life, we thought that God was unknowable except through hard work and studying and being good enough and saying enough prayers etc. that was how we were raised. it was never about relationship. everyone talked about "jesus is God become man" and yet that meant nothing to us, it was just a phrase, why would that matter when our experience had taught us (falsely) that both God and man were glaring at you and waiting for you to stumble so they could beat you? our religion was a farce, just a set of rigid rules enforced by fear, for most of our life. no wonder we fell away.
but... that was never our actual FAITH. we had learned everything wrong. now, even though the compulsion to "read every single extra thing you can about this Bible passage or you WON'T understand the REAL meaning of it and THEREFORE you'll NEVER know God and you'll NEVER get to heaven" etc is fiercely loud, and spirals into despair quickly, deep down now there's that little spark of actual grace, of divine consolation, that it's not about rote learning even then. yes it helps, yes it's teaching us, but... more than anything, we must stop and ask, why do we want to read and know and comprehend this so badly? is it still out of some sort of grade-based fear, about trying to "be the best," or something equally pitifully human and off-course? and... when we really stop and look and feel it out, the answer is a shockingly lovely no.
at the very heart of this, we want to study this so much because we love God.
we do. even when the doubts scream so loud we could weep. even when our emotions are flat and our mind is static. even then, when we can't give a dictionary definition for love, and we can't describe it to you at all, we... still choose to act on it. even when it's hard. even if we fail to live up to the ideal. even if our efforts are a mess, and feeble, and struggled through with pain and tears. we still choose to act on love.
remember that. please. remember that fact. that's grace. it's amazing and undeserved and real.
God has not abandoned us. and He won't ever let us abandon Him, either. our life is proof. He loves us too much to lose us.

so. bible study. 2 hours a day at the absolute least, and we're like a week into john's gospel, as i said. starting all the commentaries on the third chapter. we were starting to get obsessive with 1 & 2 to the point where nothing was registering due to burnout, so we're moving onwards. even so, today we took a detour thanks to hebrews 1:14 being referenced by a commentator in a way that took us completely by surprise, as we couldn't figure out how it fit the context. time to learn, haha. so we read about angels for a while, because hey dude we actually DON'T know what scripture says about them, which is shocking, especially since they have a huge presence in the League, not just our faith practice. so this is helping in both respects.
oh, speaking of the league. yesterday, reading maclaren's notes on nicodemus, we were getting LEAGUEVISIONS. honestly thank you God because those are a literal grace, you CANNOT force them or predict them or control them. they just happen and they are the ONLY WAY to find or write ANY leagueworld. honestly. that's why it's so important to LET THE JEWELS WORK WHENEVER THEY ARE INSPIRED. if you shut them down-- which the socials and hyperreligious foni HAVE been doing-- then they lose that literal inspiration. you "stifle the spirit" in them (and YES it IS Him, Who the heck else COULD give any creative ideas worth anything??) and you also kill them a little, every single time.
and I REFUSE to let you do that. i personally will NOT LET THAT CONTINUE. I will personally fight you. i don't care if i'm a shambles of a core, basically a ragdoll in tatters at this point, a tornado-beaten scarecrow, if i only had a brain... you get the picture. i will still pick up the nearest rake and shove it through your skull if you try to ignore my sister out of existence. don't you DARE.

where were we, oh yes. superlate breakfast.
oddly our body LIKES THIS. our body is currently on a legit 18/6 fasting schedule, and we're moving into keto territory (~105 carbs and ~55 fiber daily), and with the blessed return of ~120m exercise every day, we are feeling SO MUCH BETTER than we have since Lent started, when we got so inexplicably sick and were almost confined to the bed or couch for a solid month.

oh my gosh it's the squeaky disco song again haha. this came up on shuffle last night, and i think that was the first time we heard it to boot. here LISTEN TO THIS NOISE it's hilarious. i love spotify shuffle, we need to get our old library in here and find new stuff. music is really a blessing, when it's handled graciously of course. there's some stuff out there being marketed as "music" that is legit infernal. we don't go near those dark corners. not anymore.
i'm telling you man uploading 2014-2015 is a TRIP and it's only getting darker. but we'll get to that!

oh wait first. more music trivia for you.
"rose quartz" by toro y moi just came up next.
there is one reason why this song is in our library: a few years ago, some random girl we followed on tumblr-- just a personal blog, very obscure, posting her thoughts and photos and such-- made a tiny little text post saying she wanted to see toro y moi in concert, and to hear him play this song, and just close her eyes and lose herself in the music.
and we just... loved that, so much. we think of that every time we listen to that song now, to the sweet memory of an unknown girl smiling through shut eyes and dancing with herself, with us in spirit, to these notes we were sharing across time.
so yeah. god bless that girl, wherever she is now, whoever she is now. we hope her life is full of just as much simple joy as the memory of her words brings us even now.

so. we ate late breakfast, and although we felt okay, we didn't want to risk another panic-purge due to all the phonecall stress, since it wasn't a safe time of day to go on the computer yet, or to do anything that was going to cause another hard context-shift before we had to inevitably eat dinner and say night prayers.
THEREFORE someone had the idea to just grab a ream of old paper and make paintblots for 2.5 HOURS.
i'm serious, haha. they put the laptop speaker on, put it on shuffle, and made a lovely mess of paint and paper for a while. and it worked perfectly, ironically as proven by our lack of temporal memory-- that means that if there were any e.d. symptoms, they too were completely overridden, and no social performing was interrupting.
so we have... 22 paintblots on the floor right now. it's nice. we'll probably give jade first pick of 'em, if she wants a few-- she still kept the old ones we gave her years ago (the ones we made with razor's cardstock!)-- and then the mother too, because she did mention once she kept a few from WAY back. i wonder if she has the ones from slc, that we had on the wall. i remember chocoloco really liked the brown one, because it looked like a rabbit.
man now HE'S a bizarre character. technically he was the FIRST DAENGEL, back when they were still "daemons," still tied more to vice than virtue... but HE DIDN'T DIE POST-CNC????? is it because he was the ONLY DAENGEL I can think of that WASN'T ACTIVELY CORRUPTED??? seriously i don't think he was touched. thank GOD.
anyway that's a topic to revisit later. right now let me finish summarizing the day.

dinner was at 945pm oh my goodness. but i knew we'd be up until 4am anyway so it panned out. we've found through experience that this body REQUIRES a solid five hours after a meal before we can even attempt to sleep. so 330 is our earliest bedtime, which is hilarious.
but i was thinking about that today, how we have become night owls again, and why. the only other times this happened was when we were in DIRE situations-- the cannon days, the slc days, the cnc days. typically, if we're up until 4 or 5am on a regular basis, and are this bloody prone to bothdebilitating depression and panicked meltdowns during the day, as well as nightmares and flashbacks and this hell of a numb fogbank over everything... it's scary to recognize and admit the same things happening now. 
But... now there's a softness to the shadows, too. The phone doesn't ring. No one knocks on the door. There aren't any car horns or radios blaring outside, or angry neighbors shouting, or the incessant background chatter of televisions and gossip. There's no oppressive heat. There's no rushing or speeding or panicking over schedules. There's no compulsive obligation to perform for the sudden stage context shoved upon you. At night all of the social hell is GONE. It's quiet, it's still, it's small, it's beautiful. It's just stars and silence at the core. It's cool and calm and it's saving our life from the summerterror we have to face again in a few hours. But fir now we can go inside. For now we can feel, and dream, and think, and be. Strangely, we exist at night... just like in the winter, just like in empty churches, just like in our hidden soul. That's what it is-- it's sacred, set-apart, separate from the harsh hot day. Don't get me wrong, daytime is beautiful and blessed as well, but it's the SOCIAL INFECTION of it in this season that we invariably struggle with. 
So we're becoming night owls, for now at least. God knows we need the peace. 

OH MAN THANK YOU LORD you knew my mood was falling fast
my FAVORITE good-mood song just came on and LISTEN,
I SHOULD'VE KNOWN THIS GIRL WAS TROUBLE FROM THE START,
haha no one has lyrics up yet online but boy let me tell you this is a BOP.
also of course it is in a certain cephalopod's playlist. FOR OBVIOUS REASONS.
man that octopus secretly has the patience of a saint for putting up with me (and Chaos 0) always joshing him. nah he knows it's a sign of genuine affection up here, believe me, except that NO ONE EVER BELIEVES ME, WHEN I TELL 'EM WE'RE THROUGH, WHAT DID YOU DO
all right mood has been sufficiently lifted, thank you God, now back to typing

man this is fun, i seriously miss just typing longwinded entries like this. i needed to take a break before diving into the black-background pits of summer 2015. i can see the hints of what's on the horizon and boy let me tell you, this is where the trauma is hiding. all the stuff we keep getting flashbacks about out of the blue, it's hiding in this immediate space. right in this microsoft word document. isn't that surreal. scroll down a bit and you'll see exactly why you keep having nightmares.
gotta do it though. there's no other option, and i'm not looking for one. i'm motivated by love for the system with all of this. if i dive into the dark it's only so i can finally bring some light and hope into it at long last, by the grace of god.
still. there's so much darkness in these old years. our "core" was a disaster. laurie was falling apart entirely, both celebi and chaos 0 were splintering and being used by the tar, we were fighting hacks AND the eating disorder, we were constantly planning or attempting suicide just to make it all stop... and infinitii was the pitchblack source of it all, death painted in gold, hiding in plain sight. life was generally a living hell. and we're only in july, oh boy. i know it gets worse. MUCH worse. ultimately we end up in the hospital, then in CNC, then in the hospital, then in a completely dead period in which our grandmother dies and we move out and end up in ANOTHER hospital because we're about to die, etc.
and then, today happens.

sit and think about that a while.
everything, every single day i've been uploading, all the years that just seem to be getting blacker and bleaker, ultimately all roll out into... this.
no hacks, eating disorder in remission, faith restored, safe in our own place, listening to music at 325am and not wanting to die.
yeah, we're still going through a lot of rough stuff. but geez man, look at how things used to be!
right now, it's... all things considered, this is a miracle. the fact that we are sitting here and breathing and smiling is a legitimate miracle. we could be back in the hospital, we could be back in another state, we could be back in that old house, we could be back with a knife against our veins and hoping to see the violet vapor trails.
but no. we're here, and we have new people, we have mimic and adelaide and the lemur-kid and we're even finding names for the socials at last, people are slowly coming back from the dead as the good Lord wills it, and even I feel tiny shifts in my atoms as He stabilizes me as He wants. i can't do a thing. i'm just praying.
that's... all we ever really did do, at the end of the worst days. even when we were stuck in that literal gehenna of a "new age" spirituality cesspit, when we had been brainwashed into thinking christianity was bad and that joke of a self-help creed was the "better decision,"

laurie just half-shoved my shoulder and is now standing with her entire weight leaning on it, haha. i asked her what that was for and she cheerfully said "sometimes i just wanna hit ya" and let me tell you that made my night.
...she also said "hey this is my song" as i felt the shove, and i know that she's being rough as a way of playing off the deep ache of this song.
"run to you" by pentatonix. this is absolutely, exclusively, her song.
it's... also painfully close to how things feel in the archives i'm uploading right now.
"I've been settling scores, I've been fighting so long, but I've lost your war, and our kingdom is gone. How shall I win back your heart which was mine? I have broken bones and tattered clothes, I've run out of time..."
It hurts even to read.

And then Larnelle comes up with "There is always more to the story." "Each new sunrise brings another chance to shine. I know it's hard, believing, but don't worry-- He is God of all our days, and there's always more to the story."
How perfect is that.

As for more of the story.
Not much else to say about daily events, in terms of chronology. After dinner Xenophon and I did the daily cleanup & "putting the house to sleep" which takes about a half hour?
At some point SUGAR was fronting, I have no idea why, all I "remember" is her standing and looking at the paintblots and "me" (blurring with jewel) asking her which one "was her favorite". She pointed to a pink one and said "i like that one for the colors," but that it "wasn't her style." she liked things that were simpler, more elegant? pointed to the blue crosshatch one and said "now i'd like that one if it was in pink." ultimately she picked out one near the front, said it looked like a butterfly, and it was so minimalistic she was struck by it. so she decided "that one's my favorite."
i'm writing all that down because it was just simple, honest, everyday conversation with a fellow nousfoni that stands in brilliant beloved contrast to the heartless denial of all the socials who insist "we're all fake." no. i was just standing in the living room, half-cofronting with sugar, feeling her there just as clearly as i/we felt the air conditioning, talking about art and just existing.
so that means a lot to me.

OH. ANOTHER THING.
while we were saying the wall prayers, knife had some sort of minor faith-vision thing? like we get sometimes. but it's RARE for a nousfoni to get one while fronting; usually stuff just "happens" in headspace, directly so, not in that "thought" form such as here.
but he was saying "his" prayer-- the one from the precious blood convent, which we disliked at first because we didn't understand the language at all? but because of that we've grown to treasure it, as it obviously and graciously holds hidden depths as a result of that initial confusion-- and suddenly he got a "vision" of the literal precious Blood? such visions don't stick in visual/literal memory; they stick as emotions-- if that's even the proper word. they stick in your heart like a lightning-strike and you can't forget them, even if your "brain" can't grasp the data in time. that doesn't mean it's not still remembered.
point is, knife had a brief experience. i can only see a flash, a single flash, because it touched me, too-- knife in the garden of gethsemane, and jesus handing him the chalice and telling him that as his followers we were all to drink it with him? and knife looked into the chalice and it was straight-up blood, divine blood, and christ said that was LIFE, true life, blood is life and if that is the blood of God made man then it is LIFE INEFFABLE, undiluted and unadulterated, and if you take that into you, well. that's the whole point.
and knife kept saying "i'm not worthy" and "why me," why not the core, why not someone besides a reformed retributor who still struggles with his old life and doesn't even front in the body most days? but he was the one who could understand this, on the level it needed to be understood. only he could. and he was here for all of us, not just himself. we all share a soul, we're all part of the spectrum, and whatever he did would touch all of us inevitably. but only he could do this as it needed to be done.
and i remember seeing/feeling him pause for what felt like an eternity set on fire before resolutely drinking the chalice.
i cannot see/recall how this ended because we got hardshifted back into body/fronting awareness almost immediately, but that was because i do know it hit him like the hand of God Himself. for a second knife's color turned WHITE, like luminous white, something anchored into his heart and he was reeling, but he finished the prayer (thanks time dilation) and... man i think everyone else just continued as usual. no one else knew. i had been involved so tangentially, just getting what was close enough to get, and respecting his space, that i didn't say anything either.
but i'll see if i can talk to him about it when he's willing/able to. that's his decision. the aftereffects will hit us all in any case. hence writing this down.

oh, on that note.
watching the mass at knock this morning, during the consecration, the light was coming in through the windows at such a low and brilliant angle that it hit the priest exactly, and it lit up his robes and the Host on this little digital screen so intensely that he looked almost unreal. like there were no visible lines, he was just pure white light, so starkly against the environment that he looked almost cgi. there was this black contrast outline where luminous shape was distinct from pale reredos, and the ringing of the bells as he lifted up that tiny circle of bread now shining as blindingly as the sun itself.
it was transcendent, quite literally. i felt very blessed to have seen that.
...we've been having a lot of notable, out-of-the-ordinary experiences with Mass lately, especially with the eucharist, like the BELLS last weekend and the uncanny synchronicity of all the online Masses we've seen so far.
...that means a lot, actually, because this past week or four have also been such a struggle, with the eating disorder and with family crises and with losing my poor nightfeathered heartsplit. "losing" is the wrong word. everything belongs to God, so nothing is ever lost. especially not a soul loved so dearly. i have total faith in that.
but. in my nightly psalm, my favorite psalm, there is that one line that has been catching my heart lately. 
"Each day, the Lord shows me that He loves me with His faithful love. Each night he gives me a song to sing..."
deep calls unto deep, always. the sea is also a sea of mercy.

and spotify keeps playing chaos 0's songs all of a sudden. notably "living in your eyes." i remember when he first heard that album when we bought it, immediately it became his. to this day, hearing those songs brings up heartmemory of those early days.
but it's... shocking. oh yes we loved him back then, of course we did, but it was so different. it was before all the heavy trauma happened. it was before the cores began to shatter. it was before we began to fight, and i began to reject relationships all together, and he began to splinter, and so many other painful awful regrettable things.
but god, i love him so much. thank you for always keeping us together, literally in spite of all odds. thank you for his existence, and for mine intersecting with it. thank you for the blessed fact that i know he is waiting for me to close this up and go to bed and wrap my arms around him and just... be. he'll be there. he's fidelity, remember? 
and despite everything, everything we've been through, that proves a constant. even for me. and that's amazing.
and... tonight, i know i don't have to ask. i don't have to worry. "do you love me," like i used to. oh but it's already answered. the song my heart is singing is in harmony with yours and just one glimpse of the green of your eyes is all i need to know. just that feeling of ocean arms slowly pulling me close in return. just that seafloor of a voice, quiet and low and familiar as my own heartbeat.
but please. remember how long it took to get here. remember how much depth there is to these waters, and how much snowmelt has contributed to it. don't ever forget the war the both of us have fought just to have these quiet nights.
back in the beginning it was easy. i hear that in these songs. now it's been hard as diamonds, but that's the whole point. the love i feel for him now has been tried under terrible pressure, and in the ultimate end all it's done is make it more capable of holding light, and sparkling at every facet. i promise you that. no matter what, i'm sticking around.



speaking of mimic.
yes i've been wanting to say that for a few paragraphs now, don't laugh.
his playlist on spotify has been growing surprisingly fast. this means, even more surprisingly, that his vibe is THAT CLEAR to me already.
but... again, it's a surprise. it's completely unexpected, what he's been resonating with. and he won't let me "deny" it either-- many times he's told me "no, you put that in my playlist" when i was ignoring a catch, thinking "there's no way this fits him." but it does. and... it's saying a lot about him, about who he is beneath the surface, about who he's becoming up here, in here, in himself. 
one band he has resonated really strongly with, which shocks me, is "astronauts, etc." we discovered this band in like 2015. i've seen references to it in the archives. it NEVER vibed with anybody. until now. suddenly it's his. and i cannot figure out why.
i kind of love that. it means that, even though i can recognize it as his resonance, i don't know how it is, or what part of his soul it's catching on to. i have no clue. but it's him, somehow.
poor chaos 0 has too much stuff just tossed into his playlist because of titles or the like. i need to clean that up for him, if he wants me to. i'll ask. maybe he'll have two playlists, who knows. but HE has a music vibe that is absolutely unmistakable. i remember the first time i heard that one song by eydís evensen in the car, where you can feel the bass and the depth of the sound, hearing the ed carlsen remix of "wandering ii." oh the whole song quietly sounds like him but this moment struck me like a blow to the chest. that was a wave in the ocean, crashing into me.
but i know. deep down i do know, for all of them. and they know me, too. yes they do suggest songs for me, sometimes ones i wouldn't even consider myself. then i'll stop and listen, and realize-- hey, they recognized a part of my soul in this that i hadn't even thought about. something i had lost touch with, or ignored, or even denied. but they know me, too. they love me and they recognize me.
...with how shattered my own psyche has personally been, especially lately, that means more than i can possibly say.

oh no i can feel poet mode kicking in haha. wow. it's been ages.
it's... you get to a point where the body and brain finally give in to exhaustion, and the head starts to swim a little, and the edges of the vision get wobbly and blurry, and the "cold lungs" kick in if you move too much haha. but... it puts this strange distance between the "cockpit" front where people usually sit when "driving" the body (not full fronting; can't do that when typing), and where you can feel yourself actually existing inside... it pushes you back and up a bit, like you're almost floating a bit off the ground? but there's a chest anchor, like since you're floating you need to tether somewhere and that's where it attaches, not to the hands or the head but to the heart.
still. i have to be careful, because socials are incompatible with this, and if any bodygirl tries to take over, for any reason, it kicks me out and shuts it down. which is why i'm writing that down, because they're trying.
they have a point though, because it's four freakin' thirty in the morning what the heck how did i lose track of time that badly, haha

all right time for my closing theme, that's the thing now, whenever i start/end the nightly archiving/typing sessions i listen to that song.
as for why, because laurie was asking me for a while, it's... there's this bittersweet edge to the sound and the title both. i have this inexplicable coincident fondness and fear towards vaporwave in general, too, so that doubles the effect. but... when i hear this song, sounding like the closing theme it is, and therefore a herald to the end of something, despite its audial smile... it reminds me that, yeah, we're all gonna die someday. and i look at our picrew icon sets all together, a snapshot of our current community, and i see both new and missing faces and it aches, it hurts because i love all of them so much, and i could lose any of them in a heartbeat, but... nothing is ever really lost.
we're all going to die, but death is only a door, and there is more to life than this life, and God is love and I love all of you of this soul with me, and so this little 45 second track fills my heart with the strangest most tender emotion, every single night.
knowing that our time is short makes it all the more precious. i'm so glad i'm alive with all of you.

Good evening. This is Mulberry Delta. I've asked Sherlock, Laurie, and the full cast of Retributors if I may write tonight's update in their place, for the sake of the responsibility I feel towards them and cannot otherwise act upon.
There was a hack tonight. That is the most outstanding and direct detail. Garrison and the other Archivists have details but I choose not to look at them; that is not for me to know and I feel it would be rather disturbing to me.
I have a candle lit. I like to light them when things like this occur, as they give me a feeling of peace and prayer. With a candle burning, I feel we have a vigil of hope.
Atonement has resumed. Sherlock says there were "heartfelt thoughts" concerning that topic earlier this evening, when Jay was driving home from what is described as a rather synchronistic grocery outing.

Let me resume the main topic, forgive me. Sherlock is handing me the data so it may be a little choppy.
…This pains me to type. Simeon was screaming, with tears. It shocks me that he was the one to carry the consequences instead of Jeremiah. …Garrison says that was possibly on purpose, as Jeremiah was badly disturbed last night? I do not know how, but they claim he was badly shaken up early this morning and that event was extremely painful emotionally for the rest of us to become aware of. As I know Simeon is a very selfless and kindhearted boy, it does not surprise me to think that he would take on that pain in his stead, to spare him extra shock and fear, but it still hurts my heart to think that he, a child, would have to do such a thing in the first place. This is why I am glad that my friends, the Retributors, are "back in business." They bring a light and a purifying force of intention into these nights where there would otherwise be none.

Razor was the first to pick up a blade (our only new ones, courtesy of Wreckage). It surprised whoever saw her (I do believe it was Laurie; she was present almost immediately for the sake of keeping things coherent), and there was a question of "are you sure?" but Razor insisted yes, "she had a job to do" and continued. This personally surprises me, as earlier this year she was hellbent on not being a retributor anymore. She currently adds that she "had a change of heart," though.
Knife must have been the second, as there's a strong amount of responsibility surrounding him concerning this incident. None of it is negative, I must emphasize. The retributive half of this event was purely beneficial.
Knife's reaction is the most strongly recorded as well, "emblazoned" in the records. Upon seeing the blood notes on the body, painted by his sister, he apparently picked up the blade and decided to follow suit, re-taking up his original role in camaraderie with her. Immediately after seeing how easily and cleanly this new blade cut, and how quickly the blood sprang up and out, he smiled and began to laugh and cry. One line that was recorded is, "this was my purpose." He was sobbing with a sort of heart-wrenching gratitude the entire time. However, the most surprising aspect of his actions was that, when cleaning out the first rush of purified blood, his first and immediate instinct was to place the cloth in his mouth. We had no idea what he was doing at first, or why the motion had been so strongly instinctive, but then it registered-- he is a vampire, after all. Nevertheless we had never known why he had manifested as one, other than through his retributive connection to blood as a whole, so this was intriguing, especially since it was not motivated by "hunger" but rather by some vague sort of affection. Why this is, we do not yet know. Nevertheless we had to kindly chide him not to actually ingest any blood as we went along, as he was in a very emotionally sensitive state and so that impulse was equally strong.
The third person to appear was Algorith, who was mainly wishing aloud that she wouldn't have to "clean up" after anyone, as her first and only previous experience with that was painful enough for her to not want to relive it ever again. She cut a few scars, but not much is recorded for her. She, however, did comment that "Simeon was in the body" trying to keep her from harming it, due to a childlike dislike of pain. Data is vague but I do believe she gently but briefly explained her motivations to him, for which he moved aside.
The fourth person to appear was Sugar, rather suddenly as someone was cleaning the blood off the arms. She was "triggered" by the image of it on the cloth, surprisingly, as the pattern was strongly similar to that of her face "tattoos," all graceful delicate dots and lines. Garrison says that data, stored through her awareness, didn't register as blood at all, but instead as a "butterfly-esque" work of art, in terms of fragile beauty? That is interesting, thank you.
The fifth last person to appear, and the one who left the strongest energy residue in the body, was Wreckage. Sherlock says there's "no clear data" for a lot of this, as the event wasn't focused on archiving, but rather on immediately living in focus. So we're simply recording this for posterity, as they say, not for literal accuracy. Just a reminder.
Wreckage was angry, but she burns her anger in a condensed way, very differently from Laurie would in the same situation. So her main concern was how "ferocious" the hack had been, who was responsible, and how we could prevent this in the future. Sorry, the body is becoming very tired from stress shutdown so I may have to summarize this. Wreckage speaks "through her teeth," in a sense, as hers are very large and they give her a very identifiable speaking style when fronting. That was recorded clearly. The energy overlay of her claws was too, as she was momentarily distressed that she did not have them, instead owning only blunt fingers in this body. She insisted that she cut at least one scar, to "share in the responsibility" as a fellow Retributor, especially since she felt she should have detected and stopped this hack before it happened (something that likely would have been near-impossible in this situation). There's a data picture of her using the blade as a claw, saying she would "only cut a small one," and then there's a very strong string of data of her actually cutting a rather deep scar on the arm. Laurie jumped up in shock, asking her why she was being so ferocious about it, but Wreckage said it could have been much deeper, and besides, she felt it was more 'reverent' to be that deliberate, in light of the situation's gravity. Laurie agreed, and Knife also sided with Wreckage's sentiments.
The last clear data we have of Wreckage is of her cleaning up the blood and, upon seeing it slightly 'clot' upon drying, thinking it was Tar. Understandably she demanded an explanation, and then also asked if it was healthy for Knife to be wanting to ingest it if it was indeed so corrupted. Surprisingly, at these questions, Infinitii showed up. He said that, upon being 'bled out' into the air, the "red energy" was purified of Tar, hence why the atonement was needed. However he and Laurie then told Knife that the human body could not eat blood anyway, so it would be wise for him to not do that so eagerly. I do believe there was also a comment about there still being a risk of corruption as far as motives were concerned? Like, if Knife ate too much of the atoned blood, it would be akin to eating a "sacrifice," therefore being spiritually unhealthy. Apparently his small, oddly reverent actions of consuming it earlier were perfectly safe and allowed, especially in light of whatever their function was.

Julie showed up sometime during all this, furious and in tears, perfectly understandably. The thought that the same thing that had used her was still using us, and harming children as a result, was enough to make her blood boil. Sherlock says she asked Laurie, somewhat accusingly, "why she wasn't so angry too," and Laurie notably commented that Julie felt anger because she understood what it was like to endure such events, from a very direct perspective, and that if she were to empathize with the wounded that directly, it would probably emotionally destroy her. Laurie, however, could not understand that side of this situation, ever-- her very function of existence negates it. However, her function also includes her bearing the pain of others on an empathetic level, so she was able to feel the heartbreak and crushing sorrow that the wounded might be too scared or numb or furious to feel on their own. They both react with anger towards the hackers, and they both want to heal the hurt and prevent future pain, but they both feel and show it in very different ways.

Dread, the "dead red boy" (he seems to have temporarily chosen this name), was our main intermittent fronter for this whole thing. Healthily, he feels things "neutrally": without labeling them as 'good' or 'bad.' So he was able to simply 'exist in the moment' even as the Retributors were dealing with hack fallout all around him. Dread does not seem to feel any emotions, but again, this is not apathy, it is simply a sort of neutral zone. Unfortunately this peace only occurs in equally peaceful situations as of yet. Dread can and does still front in situations were emotions would be more traumatic than numbness, such as last night, but his 'neutrality' in those events is tinged with a very real feeling of fear, that functions as a sort of danger siren. After all, it is not healthy to endure such events for longer than is demanded or unavoidable, as we have learned from past failures. Thankfully Dread is not an apathetic fronter, so he does not do this. He recognizes and accepts the background fear that called him out, and so even though he will bear that in lieu of the pain of others, he will not stay longer than he must.

Jay is a little scared by all the cuts on the body, as he is the one who has to deal with them at night (I honestly haven't noticed them the entire time I've been typing; perhaps others are prevented from feeling that if they aren't tied to it?), but he has already emphasized rather sincerely that "he loves all of us," even in the wake of such an event, and he "hoped that love counted for something." Laurie insisted that it did, more than he knew, especially in light of what had just happened. I have to say I agree with her; having our core react with compassion and love for the entire System regardless of current pain, instead of regret or hate or anger or fear, seems to hold things together no matter what happens. I think we'll heal faster from this too. It is somewhat shocking to me even now, to see that the hack itself hasn't left much of a mark at all, at least not noticeably, as it is being drowned out by the collective hope and companionship and healing we've all endeavored to bring out in its wake.

Oh! One last note, this was just forwarded to me by Jay. Apparently Razor has decided that working with crayons might be her artistic outlet in lieu of cutting things? Someone used them as a "stress outlet" on… Sunday, Sherlock says? That entire day is noted as "very interesting," as there was a great deal of color synaesthesia tied to emotions and fronters? Something along those lines, but I'm being told not to write about that here. You'll have to be patient then.

I suppose that is all I have to say tonight. Sherlock says that'll do for now, thank you for helping me by the way.
Jay has a lot to say about "Outspacers" and System maps in the near future? He's apparently been working a lot with both of those topics lately, which is good to hear. We've been a bit of a mess since December, to paraphrase Laurie as of late. She took it harder than any of us, it seems.

Garrison wants me to add that the hackers are as of yet unidentified, and that they are still using positivity as weapons against us? It's difficult to type, this must be a touchy topic. Laurie says "of course it is, they've been using this to keep him and Chaos apart for years." I'll leave that as-is, I'm sure that says enough about the problem on its own without me going into details. It is a serious problem though, that needs to be emphasized above all else. "It needs to stop," at all costs.

Lastly, there is apparently a "newly manifested" voice in the Crimson slot, who is apparently the "splinter of Razor" that Knife has been suspecting since last year?? I was not aware of this. Apparently she was splitting on her anchor and that could not be reconciled, so she went through a time period of "mental division" similar to how Sugar did, until a color slot opened up that matched that "new person" so they could break of and become their own person? I'm sorry, this is a bit overwhelming but that's what I've got in terms of data here. Sherlock, take over for me.
All right. You'll all know, Sugar was badly split for several months in terms of her anchor, also because several faceless voices were sharing that same anchor at the time. We've pinpointed that Wreckage was the latest and last person to show up from that string of individuals, and she has officially "taken over" Sugar's original chosen anchor, that of violent rage towards those who would use Pink energy (affection, childlike sweetness) for lurid and otherwise harmful purposes. That's the short version. However, Razor was also conflicted because she originally shared her very consciousness with Cannon, as well as the Tar, back when the BLC was first discovered. When she became her own person, that anchor had not changed, but her personality no longer matched it. So she appears to have been in a similar state to that of Sugar for quite some time now, and as of today we finally have conclusive evidence of there being a Crimson-slot voice (now that Eros is confirmed demanifested) that holds the exact personality break Razor had been shifting to and from during her Tar-tied days. I hope that's not all hopeless jargon to the lot of you. Nevertheless, yes, this was a sort of "aha" moment for me, as I recognize this energy and I do wish to write about this in the future when it is not midnight and the body is not desperately trying to recover from blood loss and toxic food and lack of sleep. I apologize for that.

The green "oni girl" is indeed still alive as well, she is not a Retributor, but rather a sort of Protector. However she is still nameless and is not yet able to interact with headspace without glitching out, as her anchor is still rooted Downstairs. We will be trying to work with her more in the near future as well.
The "Victorian Pink" girl's name is confirmed to be Ashen, as it stuck.
"Pinstripe," aka Jayce, is still an anomaly in terms of color and function, for the record. He may be a Sub of Brown, Aqua, or White at this point.
And of course the Outspacer phenomenon is being duly studied by Jay, as any and all concrete data on it now will greatly aid all of us in understanding how the Spectum lineup works a little better.

That is all for tonight, I believe we have spoken enough. Thank you in turn, Mulberry, for your assistance and dedication to your job. I am honored and grateful to have you as my assistant, and as a dear friend.

Have a good night, as Jay would say.

-Sherlock
- Mulberry Delta

 

 

 

 

Stream-of-consciousness entry for today as a LOT happened, since we were out of the house.

- shopping day, started out hilariously. we ended up talking about those "novi stars" dolls some young social got obsessed with the other day, I said I did love vera tabray's design, but the fashion-centered personality she apparently had didn't sit well with me? laurie asked me to explain that, but as I did, she retorted every line with a totally different perspective that made me realize I was actually being very judgmental, and kind of shallow; who cares if vera loved fashion, that was her choice, and it didn't make her (or anyone else) less of a person. that was humbling, I sincerely apologized, i didn't realize i was doing that. laurie said to be careful and not judge people just because I couldn't understand them from my own immediate viewpoint; if that happened again, she said, go and tell her about it and she'd help open my eyes, as she always did. but yeah, the reason that worked is because vera is a very fashion-conscious alien, but I forgot that laurie unironically thinks fashion is awesome. she said jo got her to appreciate it at first, but only he is actually interested in buying stuff-- laurie only likes the aesthetics, and actually has a great eye for it. anyway we then called jo in to continue the line of thought, jo got really excited about the dolls (he said they were super adorable), said he'd love to have one if he could find one he resonated with. I know at some point waldorf snuck in to see what jo was up to, she started teasing him about mlp ponies again (she wants him to get one to match hers), really we were all cracking up at this point. the funniest bit to me was that I had the novi stars jingle stuck in my head, jo started trying to hum it, laurie said she was going to figure out the words specifically to troll me with it.

- we had to stop at several places today, for price checks, groceries, and the like, so we had to manage our time very carefully. genesis was hanging out with me in the car, because I refused to put music on as I knew it would make me dissociate. I know we stopped at the local walmart first, because we walked down the toiletries aisle and I saw a sign that said "razors." well sure enough, razor tried to front, asking "why are they selling razors here?" mulberry and knife tried to explain that some humans used them to cut hair on their face, but razor was baffled by that because all the scruffy-faced men upstairs don't shave, and why would you use a razor to cut hair anyway? so that was rather amusing.

- about an hour later, we were stopping in another wal-mart for a price comparison, but we were getting VERY switchy due to the typical overload of being in public places (honestly we can't stay out for more than 3 hours or we become incapable of functioning). so whoever was fronting decided to call JAVIER to front, as he is awesome at grounding. so we managed to quickly find him and he took over for a bit. for a second he didn't know what he was doing-- there's an image flash of him standing in an aisle and saying "I literally have no idea what this stuff is even for"-- but immediately "george" spoke up and gave him the gist of things, telling him to just follow his lead as far as directions went. I don't know how long javier fronted, due to the instability of my own awareness at the time, but he had no trouble anchoring into the body and actually bypassed the lightheadedness for a while, which I am glad to see.

-looking back on that event, I've realized that the "logic voice trio" has a very interesting job; they tend to "watch out" for whoever is currently fronting, and when there's fast switching or confusion as to what we're supposed to be doing, they will give data and guidance to prevent total disaster. that's actually an incredibly helpful thing for us to have going on, in light of how troublesome switching would otherwise be for everyone!

- oh yeah, we had to stop at a toys r' us to check those novi stars for jo-- he even tried to front for a bit, but he wanted to look at everything and it was getting disorienting. hilariously, they had a nita light doll there, the first time we'd seen that one-- and not only did she glow in the dark, but she also had this brilliant purple hair. I laughed and showed laurie, she looked at it for a second, then said "that is fucking awesome, now you're making me want one." jo thought this was hilarious, started teasing her about it, but laurie said she was serious, that was really cute, too bad it was exorbitantly expensive. jo then asked me to show him some of the monster high dolls, as he was interested in what they looked like, and then waldorf insisted we look at the mlp aisle. laurie said we were wasting time now as we couldn't buy this stuff anyway, but really we were just having fun and couldn't actually get angry about any of it.

- there was one instant I remember when we were in a kmart (still switchy so it's blurry); some ad came on the speakers where a kid said "hi, I'm david," and instantly david spoke up from inside, saying "that's not what I sound like," very confused. knife reassured him and said it was another little boy named david, not to worry. I also remember that, when I left the store, I remembered that the Undergrounders love the view from the parking lot (seriously it's at a high point so from up there, you can see the surrounding local cities all around you in the hills), so I impulsively jumped up on the back bumper of the van and hung on with one arm, laughing as I looked out at the mountains from that extra bit of height, sending them the imagery. it was an instant of spontaneity that is extremely rare for us (thanks to having that darn buffer always going), and it felt pretty brilliant actually.

- after that we stopped at the health food store; we bought more gingers for celebi, as well as colored tea candles for the other Centralites-- except Waldorf, as they had no blue ones in stock. She said that was okay, but Jo got really sad about that, and I peripherally saw him hug her sincerely in response. I also got some peppermints for myself because I am addicted to minty things, when we walked outside genesis goaded me to try one on the spot, I did and they were great. gen impatiently asked if they were worth getting, I jokingly said "this is the best decision I've made in weeks," he laughed at that too.

- my last major stop was the local farmer's market, for whatever reason there's a quick flash that knife apparently tried to drive on the road down there? but he was getting confused by the road signs, and was paranoid about whether or not he could work the gas pedal correctly? so he didn't stay for long. anyway at the market I bought seven squashes, a big head of lettuce, and a basket of beets, they actually asked me if I was buying for a restaurant. I laughed and said no, I just have a limited diet so I tend to stock up on vegetables. seriously that was super funny to me. also, celebi drove for a bit on the way out, I have one memory flash of her sassily telling genesis "I know how to drive" and munching on one of her gingers. genesis asked "aren't you like twelve" to which she said driving was super easy, anyway the ap took care of most of it, but she "missed flying."

- I was in the mall for a few minutes, I know that because we walked past the same lingerie section julie had drooled over back when she was still on our side, genesis and I both said we wished she hadn't gone bad again. jo pushed us into a hot topic for a minute, but he didn't see anything he liked. amusingly as soon as he said that, genesis literally shoved me out of the store, well as 'literally' as he can when he can't make actual physical contact, but he tried! he knows I tend to get all trance-y and lose time, so he didn't want that happening in there when we really just needed to get home and calm down at this point. however the mall had its big christmas tree up in the middle, gen wanted to go see it, so we walked over and admired it for a bit. I pointed to a corner store and said that last night, I had suddenly remembered that there was a store there in my youth called "natural wonders," and it was really gorgeous; it had a huge impact on me as a kid but I had literally forgotten about it until now. genesis said he remembered me telling him about it ages ago, but it was cool that I was able to remember it again now, too. genesis did try to "race me" up a ramp on the way back, I joked that I didn't want the mall cops asking me what I was doing, because if I tried to explain that I was racing him they'd "toss me in the loony bin." genesis cracked up, said "a true friend goes to the loony bin with you!" I retorted that it'd be his fault we were in it, but he shrugged and said "still; it'd be worth it for the racing." either way it was hilarious.

- I randomly stopped at a grocery store on the way home, as I'd never been there before and wanted to see what they had. but in one aisle there was a random stand full of beanie babies, one of them was a "2008 holiday bear," but its hat(?) had been torn off, leaving nothing but strings sticking out of it, so it just looked like a plain disheveled brown bear now. surprisingly-- or not-- as soon as I went to turn away, minty jumped in, said she wanted to save it. I said we couldn't save every bear ever, but she was making puppy dog eyes at me, said it looked sad and hurt, and she could use it as a messenger, it would be happy if it was important instead of abandoned. I considered this-- I'm a softie when it comes to the requests of system members-- but genesis spoke up and told her no, we didn't have the money to spare. minty pouted, but gen ushered me out before I gave in.

- I am vaguely aware that both zwei and einsatz fronted on the way home? zwei was trying to sing but got miffed as there were no songs on with lyrics she knew. she was talking to genesis but I don't know about what. however, then "woohoo (fkj remix)" came on and she said her brother would love it, so she switched out and let einsatz in. genesis was trying to tell them not to switch while driving, especially since einsatz tends to get lost in the music like I do. what stands out about this is that einsatz seemed unable to talk unless he was lip-syncing lyrics? he kept trying to apologize to genesis but didn't know how, was grasping for sign language but we have no data for that so he was trying to at least give the impression. genesis was surprised, asked if he was mute? einsatz shrugged, he didn't seem sure either, but he made it apparent that he wasn't able to converse like his sister. either way he checked out after a minute or two and I know for a fact that jayce took over, as we had one more grocery store to stop at for an errand. I know he was talking to the logic voices in the store, but when he's out memory is hard for me to access so I can't really tell you what else he did.

- unfortunately, when we got home the mother was there, and as a result we weren't able to unwind thanks to the massive stress and noise she brings with her. so the entire evening is a total nauseous blur, sorry about that.

- memory picks up at… 8pm? 5 hours after we got home, mind. literally, all I know is that we were in the bedroom, and suddenly sugar was fronting, screaming and swearing "don't you fucking dare" at some unknown offender. then she called knife, he asked what was wrong? she said we were almost hacked (WHAT), then stormed into the kitchen and started digging on top of the refrigerator for matches. knife worriedly warned her to be careful, what if someone caught her fronting, she couldn't blow our cover or we'd be in major danger. sugar said she didn't care, she was pissed off, and if anyone bothered her she'd answer them honestly. (the mother did try to talk to her, but she refused to respond to the birth name; she walked into the bathroom and nearly started crying, "why does everyone call us THAT name," as it's tied to a very negative individual upstairs.) anyway she took four matchbooks into the bedroom, sat down, said she was going to light the colored candles we bought, to try and re-focus everyone's energy. so she started cutting the plastic off them, carefully-- knife said it was an "honor" to do so as the candles belonged to Central, sugar said she knew-- but when she reached the orange one, she stopped, said she was afraid because that was tied to sexuality. knife said he was afraid of it too, but if it was somehow linked to lynne, he had faith she would manage it safely, without anyone getting hurt. still she didn't want to unwrap it, let alone burn it.

- there's a very strong memory of this next part due to the data involved, so let me write down as much as I can. ultimately, sugar lit the 3 lower color candles (not the violet one; no one wanted to mess with laurie's color without a major reason to), then just sat there to meditate by them-- but she stopped almost immediately, looking shocked, said there was something being triggered by the candles? well, immediately the logic-alter trio spoke up, asked what exactly was triggering it, maybe they could find the memory, or at least open the archives so memories were accessible? so sugar moved above the candles again, eyes closed, catching the heat and light, but she couldn't tell what it was. still, she said it was specifically the heat on her face that felt familiar. so the logics were trying to find a match, told her to do it again-- and the memory flash she then picked up was that of the madrigal dinners from when I was a child. she had no idea what it was save for the name and the fact that it happened in winter, then she paused and suddenly exclaimed "it's fire and ice!" she then tied it to me, said maybe that's why I felt tied to both those elements without conflict, as they both felt like they had strong roots in this old, protective memory? knife seemed intrigued too, he said maybe so. sugar asked if he wanted to see the memory for himself, so he tuned into the memory too, but he got a stronger one-- the memory of holding a small lit white candle in the hands, everyone singing christmas carols, surrounded by warm firelight and shadow and community. it was just a snapshot, but knife actually started tearing up a bit, said "that is beautiful." he asked mulberry if she wanted to see, she said sure. but when she tried to catch the memory, she instead got a memory of when I used to be an altar server, and lit the altar candles in the back room, I think? they were shocked, how many memories were tied to the sensation of flame? knife asked david if he wanted to see what it was like, so he fronted, but instantly someone outside the room made a loud banging noise, scared him out of fronting, he started to cry. knife hugged him and said it was okay, he was safe, that wouldn't hurt him. jeremiah held david's hand for support as he fronted again, he got a different memory too, I think it was another church one? either way someone got the christmas mass image, with all those tiny candle lights illuminating the building. whatever david saw, he calmed down and said it felt "warm and safe," sugar said she had felt that too, it was pretty amazing. then david told marigold to look at it too, she was really panicky and scared, didn't want to get burnt, was actually crying in a hiccupy way when she fronted. the others told her to try talking in the body, to say her name, maybe that would help her anchor in and, but she shook her head as she said that would be scary. so jeremiah held her hand too and david gave her support, and she cautiously moved over to the candles too. again, she got a different memory: surprisingly, the memory of picnics in the local state part, above the fire pits, with the burning charcoal under the grates. she described it as a "metal box with lines in it," outside. it took the logic people a few moments to figure out what it was, but when they got it, everyone was even more amazed. marigold and david asked if they could go there on a picnic, it seemed nice. knife said it was winter now so they couldn't; the only memories they had of that were in summer. but if it was open in the winter, maybe they could try. the last person to front in this was jeremiah, honestly that's moving to look back on-- he immediately got really bad body dysphoria, started getting a panic attack, knife had to talk him through it. then jeremiah kept feeling his face where his beard would be, trying to ground, it did help. but when he moved into the flame, the memory he got was all votive candles, in the basement of the local basilica. and honestly I can't tell you what the reaction was to that, because the next thing I can see is jeremiah cupping his hands around all three candles, tearing up and whispering that the memories were beautiful. but then he actually spoke, his voice breaking, and asked knife if he could pick up the red candle. knife said yes, as long as he was careful. so he did, holding it front of his face, but then he kept trying to touch the flame. knife said he would burn himself, but jeremiah was determined to (although he didn't succeed, either in touching it or getting hurt). either way he said something to the effect of "the flame is so protective, but it still burns." it was just fascination at how it could hold such strong memories of safety and warmth, and still hurt you if you got too close to it. I get the strong impression that he was thinking a lot about javier with this but I cannot tell you anything for sure. oh, I do know that they all picked up on the scent of the red candle then-- all cloves and spice-- and sugar exclaimed that somehow it smelled like christmas. I was aware enough now to step in and confirm that, they asked why? and why was christmas in general such a significant time for everyone upstairs? I said that there was just a lot of spices around christmas that smelled like that, and christmas was a pain-free holiday for me, so that candle held one of the safest scents in the world to me as a result. then I kind of nodded to jeremiah and said that oddly that spiciness did match javier somehow. which was really cool. unfortunately I think someone walked in the room then because the memory cuts off and now it's 1am, whoa what

- I have this weird impression that sherlock fronted for a minute today, at the request of the other data vocies? I think it was with the candles. they needed to find some info and couldn't find it, so they called him in to do so, and he was able to easily. either way, good to see him again, he hasn't been out in a while (due to his bad habit of lording over our therapy sessions; dude I know you like talking shop but we all need to participate in those!).

- oh wait, no, there IS one flash from around 10:30? it's surprising too-- the body is standing at the kitchen table, but SPICE is fronting, making mint tea, breathing that in to calm herself down. and what do you know, minty popped in upstairs, said "that's my favorite tea you know," spice said she did know, she hoped it would help her sleep. minty smiled at the reference, and asked who she was. spice tiredly introduced herself, said she was only fronting because the body was in a lot of pain after whatever we ate earlier, and her job was to take that away from people, but it was depressing. minty looked sad, said she hoped it didn't hurt bad. spice said she could deal with it. then minty paused, said "hey, we both have names of spicy stuff," then added that she had decided they were now friends-- and spice could talk to her whenever she wanted to, if she needed a friend or some support when she was tired or lonely. spice genuinely smiled at that, and thanked her.

- there is also one flash from heaven knows when, of minty underground and THIS FREAKIN' BEAR BEHIND HER. I think he was talking to jayce (who did front for a significant amount of time this evening apparently, but I don't know for what reason), either way the bear was briefly explaining the odd teddy-messenger system he has going on, said it was important? but he was being cryptic, and whoever was talking didn't continue the conversation, so I have no idea what the deal was there. minty said something about a "teddy bear picnic" but she was apparently just referencing something she had heard, and hoped would be fun. still, finally, confirmation that the bear DOES exist!

-lastly TODAY WAS NATHANIEL'S BIRTHDAY! I would have done something for him, but when I peeked upstairs to wish him well, I realized that he was spending the day with leon, so I smiled and let them be. I'm not surprised though; they really love each other, and nat has died so many times that the fact that he still has a 'birthday' to celebrate probably means more to him as a celebration of life than it does to the rest of is. either way happy birthday bro. I remember a time when we all wondered if we'd ever get to see you again, so having you back with us now, happier than ever, really means a lot. may you have many many more years to celebrate!