the spectrum heart cathedral system

 

Stream-of-consciousness entry for today as a LOT happened, since we were out of the house.

- shopping day, started out hilariously. we ended up talking about those "novi stars" dolls some young social got obsessed with the other day, I said I did love vera tabray's design, but the fashion-centered personality she apparently had didn't sit well with me? laurie asked me to explain that, but as I did, she retorted every line with a totally different perspective that made me realize I was actually being very judgmental, and kind of shallow; who cares if vera loved fashion, that was her choice, and it didn't make her (or anyone else) less of a person. that was humbling, I sincerely apologized, i didn't realize i was doing that. laurie said to be careful and not judge people just because I couldn't understand them from my own immediate viewpoint; if that happened again, she said, go and tell her about it and she'd help open my eyes, as she always did. but yeah, the reason that worked is because vera is a very fashion-conscious alien, but I forgot that laurie unironically thinks fashion is awesome. she said jo got her to appreciate it at first, but only he is actually interested in buying stuff-- laurie only likes the aesthetics, and actually has a great eye for it. anyway we then called jo in to continue the line of thought, jo got really excited about the dolls (he said they were super adorable), said he'd love to have one if he could find one he resonated with. I know at some point waldorf snuck in to see what jo was up to, she started teasing him about mlp ponies again (she wants him to get one to match hers), really we were all cracking up at this point. the funniest bit to me was that I had the novi stars jingle stuck in my head, jo started trying to hum it, laurie said she was going to figure out the words specifically to troll me with it.

- we had to stop at several places today, for price checks, groceries, and the like, so we had to manage our time very carefully. genesis was hanging out with me in the car, because I refused to put music on as I knew it would make me dissociate. I know we stopped at the local walmart first, because we walked down the toiletries aisle and I saw a sign that said "razors." well sure enough, razor tried to front, asking "why are they selling razors here?" mulberry and knife tried to explain that some humans used them to cut hair on their face, but razor was baffled by that because all the scruffy-faced men upstairs don't shave, and why would you use a razor to cut hair anyway? so that was rather amusing.

- about an hour later, we were stopping in another wal-mart for a price comparison, but we were getting VERY switchy due to the typical overload of being in public places (honestly we can't stay out for more than 3 hours or we become incapable of functioning). so whoever was fronting decided to call JAVIER to front, as he is awesome at grounding. so we managed to quickly find him and he took over for a bit. for a second he didn't know what he was doing-- there's an image flash of him standing in an aisle and saying "I literally have no idea what this stuff is even for"-- but immediately "george" spoke up and gave him the gist of things, telling him to just follow his lead as far as directions went. I don't know how long javier fronted, due to the instability of my own awareness at the time, but he had no trouble anchoring into the body and actually bypassed the lightheadedness for a while, which I am glad to see.

-looking back on that event, I've realized that the "logic voice trio" has a very interesting job; they tend to "watch out" for whoever is currently fronting, and when there's fast switching or confusion as to what we're supposed to be doing, they will give data and guidance to prevent total disaster. that's actually an incredibly helpful thing for us to have going on, in light of how troublesome switching would otherwise be for everyone!

- oh yeah, we had to stop at a toys r' us to check those novi stars for jo-- he even tried to front for a bit, but he wanted to look at everything and it was getting disorienting. hilariously, they had a nita light doll there, the first time we'd seen that one-- and not only did she glow in the dark, but she also had this brilliant purple hair. I laughed and showed laurie, she looked at it for a second, then said "that is fucking awesome, now you're making me want one." jo thought this was hilarious, started teasing her about it, but laurie said she was serious, that was really cute, too bad it was exorbitantly expensive. jo then asked me to show him some of the monster high dolls, as he was interested in what they looked like, and then waldorf insisted we look at the mlp aisle. laurie said we were wasting time now as we couldn't buy this stuff anyway, but really we were just having fun and couldn't actually get angry about any of it.

- there was one instant I remember when we were in a kmart (still switchy so it's blurry); some ad came on the speakers where a kid said "hi, I'm david," and instantly david spoke up from inside, saying "that's not what I sound like," very confused. knife reassured him and said it was another little boy named david, not to worry. I also remember that, when I left the store, I remembered that the Undergrounders love the view from the parking lot (seriously it's at a high point so from up there, you can see the surrounding local cities all around you in the hills), so I impulsively jumped up on the back bumper of the van and hung on with one arm, laughing as I looked out at the mountains from that extra bit of height, sending them the imagery. it was an instant of spontaneity that is extremely rare for us (thanks to having that darn buffer always going), and it felt pretty brilliant actually.

- after that we stopped at the health food store; we bought more gingers for celebi, as well as colored tea candles for the other Centralites-- except Waldorf, as they had no blue ones in stock. She said that was okay, but Jo got really sad about that, and I peripherally saw him hug her sincerely in response. I also got some peppermints for myself because I am addicted to minty things, when we walked outside genesis goaded me to try one on the spot, I did and they were great. gen impatiently asked if they were worth getting, I jokingly said "this is the best decision I've made in weeks," he laughed at that too.

- my last major stop was the local farmer's market, for whatever reason there's a quick flash that knife apparently tried to drive on the road down there? but he was getting confused by the road signs, and was paranoid about whether or not he could work the gas pedal correctly? so he didn't stay for long. anyway at the market I bought seven squashes, a big head of lettuce, and a basket of beets, they actually asked me if I was buying for a restaurant. I laughed and said no, I just have a limited diet so I tend to stock up on vegetables. seriously that was super funny to me. also, celebi drove for a bit on the way out, I have one memory flash of her sassily telling genesis "I know how to drive" and munching on one of her gingers. genesis asked "aren't you like twelve" to which she said driving was super easy, anyway the ap took care of most of it, but she "missed flying."

- I was in the mall for a few minutes, I know that because we walked past the same lingerie section julie had drooled over back when she was still on our side, genesis and I both said we wished she hadn't gone bad again. jo pushed us into a hot topic for a minute, but he didn't see anything he liked. amusingly as soon as he said that, genesis literally shoved me out of the store, well as 'literally' as he can when he can't make actual physical contact, but he tried! he knows I tend to get all trance-y and lose time, so he didn't want that happening in there when we really just needed to get home and calm down at this point. however the mall had its big christmas tree up in the middle, gen wanted to go see it, so we walked over and admired it for a bit. I pointed to a corner store and said that last night, I had suddenly remembered that there was a store there in my youth called "natural wonders," and it was really gorgeous; it had a huge impact on me as a kid but I had literally forgotten about it until now. genesis said he remembered me telling him about it ages ago, but it was cool that I was able to remember it again now, too. genesis did try to "race me" up a ramp on the way back, I joked that I didn't want the mall cops asking me what I was doing, because if I tried to explain that I was racing him they'd "toss me in the loony bin." genesis cracked up, said "a true friend goes to the loony bin with you!" I retorted that it'd be his fault we were in it, but he shrugged and said "still; it'd be worth it for the racing." either way it was hilarious.

- I randomly stopped at a grocery store on the way home, as I'd never been there before and wanted to see what they had. but in one aisle there was a random stand full of beanie babies, one of them was a "2008 holiday bear," but its hat(?) had been torn off, leaving nothing but strings sticking out of it, so it just looked like a plain disheveled brown bear now. surprisingly-- or not-- as soon as I went to turn away, minty jumped in, said she wanted to save it. I said we couldn't save every bear ever, but she was making puppy dog eyes at me, said it looked sad and hurt, and she could use it as a messenger, it would be happy if it was important instead of abandoned. I considered this-- I'm a softie when it comes to the requests of system members-- but genesis spoke up and told her no, we didn't have the money to spare. minty pouted, but gen ushered me out before I gave in.

- I am vaguely aware that both zwei and einsatz fronted on the way home? zwei was trying to sing but got miffed as there were no songs on with lyrics she knew. she was talking to genesis but I don't know about what. however, then "woohoo (fkj remix)" came on and she said her brother would love it, so she switched out and let einsatz in. genesis was trying to tell them not to switch while driving, especially since einsatz tends to get lost in the music like I do. what stands out about this is that einsatz seemed unable to talk unless he was lip-syncing lyrics? he kept trying to apologize to genesis but didn't know how, was grasping for sign language but we have no data for that so he was trying to at least give the impression. genesis was surprised, asked if he was mute? einsatz shrugged, he didn't seem sure either, but he made it apparent that he wasn't able to converse like his sister. either way he checked out after a minute or two and I know for a fact that jayce took over, as we had one more grocery store to stop at for an errand. I know he was talking to the logic voices in the store, but when he's out memory is hard for me to access so I can't really tell you what else he did.

- unfortunately, when we got home the mother was there, and as a result we weren't able to unwind thanks to the massive stress and noise she brings with her. so the entire evening is a total nauseous blur, sorry about that.

- memory picks up at… 8pm? 5 hours after we got home, mind. literally, all I know is that we were in the bedroom, and suddenly sugar was fronting, screaming and swearing "don't you fucking dare" at some unknown offender. then she called knife, he asked what was wrong? she said we were almost hacked (WHAT), then stormed into the kitchen and started digging on top of the refrigerator for matches. knife worriedly warned her to be careful, what if someone caught her fronting, she couldn't blow our cover or we'd be in major danger. sugar said she didn't care, she was pissed off, and if anyone bothered her she'd answer them honestly. (the mother did try to talk to her, but she refused to respond to the birth name; she walked into the bathroom and nearly started crying, "why does everyone call us THAT name," as it's tied to a very negative individual upstairs.) anyway she took four matchbooks into the bedroom, sat down, said she was going to light the colored candles we bought, to try and re-focus everyone's energy. so she started cutting the plastic off them, carefully-- knife said it was an "honor" to do so as the candles belonged to Central, sugar said she knew-- but when she reached the orange one, she stopped, said she was afraid because that was tied to sexuality. knife said he was afraid of it too, but if it was somehow linked to lynne, he had faith she would manage it safely, without anyone getting hurt. still she didn't want to unwrap it, let alone burn it.

- there's a very strong memory of this next part due to the data involved, so let me write down as much as I can. ultimately, sugar lit the 3 lower color candles (not the violet one; no one wanted to mess with laurie's color without a major reason to), then just sat there to meditate by them-- but she stopped almost immediately, looking shocked, said there was something being triggered by the candles? well, immediately the logic-alter trio spoke up, asked what exactly was triggering it, maybe they could find the memory, or at least open the archives so memories were accessible? so sugar moved above the candles again, eyes closed, catching the heat and light, but she couldn't tell what it was. still, she said it was specifically the heat on her face that felt familiar. so the logics were trying to find a match, told her to do it again-- and the memory flash she then picked up was that of the madrigal dinners from when I was a child. she had no idea what it was save for the name and the fact that it happened in winter, then she paused and suddenly exclaimed "it's fire and ice!" she then tied it to me, said maybe that's why I felt tied to both those elements without conflict, as they both felt like they had strong roots in this old, protective memory? knife seemed intrigued too, he said maybe so. sugar asked if he wanted to see the memory for himself, so he tuned into the memory too, but he got a stronger one-- the memory of holding a small lit white candle in the hands, everyone singing christmas carols, surrounded by warm firelight and shadow and community. it was just a snapshot, but knife actually started tearing up a bit, said "that is beautiful." he asked mulberry if she wanted to see, she said sure. but when she tried to catch the memory, she instead got a memory of when I used to be an altar server, and lit the altar candles in the back room, I think? they were shocked, how many memories were tied to the sensation of flame? knife asked david if he wanted to see what it was like, so he fronted, but instantly someone outside the room made a loud banging noise, scared him out of fronting, he started to cry. knife hugged him and said it was okay, he was safe, that wouldn't hurt him. jeremiah held david's hand for support as he fronted again, he got a different memory too, I think it was another church one? either way someone got the christmas mass image, with all those tiny candle lights illuminating the building. whatever david saw, he calmed down and said it felt "warm and safe," sugar said she had felt that too, it was pretty amazing. then david told marigold to look at it too, she was really panicky and scared, didn't want to get burnt, was actually crying in a hiccupy way when she fronted. the others told her to try talking in the body, to say her name, maybe that would help her anchor in and, but she shook her head as she said that would be scary. so jeremiah held her hand too and david gave her support, and she cautiously moved over to the candles too. again, she got a different memory: surprisingly, the memory of picnics in the local state part, above the fire pits, with the burning charcoal under the grates. she described it as a "metal box with lines in it," outside. it took the logic people a few moments to figure out what it was, but when they got it, everyone was even more amazed. marigold and david asked if they could go there on a picnic, it seemed nice. knife said it was winter now so they couldn't; the only memories they had of that were in summer. but if it was open in the winter, maybe they could try. the last person to front in this was jeremiah, honestly that's moving to look back on-- he immediately got really bad body dysphoria, started getting a panic attack, knife had to talk him through it. then jeremiah kept feeling his face where his beard would be, trying to ground, it did help. but when he moved into the flame, the memory he got was all votive candles, in the basement of the local basilica. and honestly I can't tell you what the reaction was to that, because the next thing I can see is jeremiah cupping his hands around all three candles, tearing up and whispering that the memories were beautiful. but then he actually spoke, his voice breaking, and asked knife if he could pick up the red candle. knife said yes, as long as he was careful. so he did, holding it front of his face, but then he kept trying to touch the flame. knife said he would burn himself, but jeremiah was determined to (although he didn't succeed, either in touching it or getting hurt). either way he said something to the effect of "the flame is so protective, but it still burns." it was just fascination at how it could hold such strong memories of safety and warmth, and still hurt you if you got too close to it. I get the strong impression that he was thinking a lot about javier with this but I cannot tell you anything for sure. oh, I do know that they all picked up on the scent of the red candle then-- all cloves and spice-- and sugar exclaimed that somehow it smelled like christmas. I was aware enough now to step in and confirm that, they asked why? and why was christmas in general such a significant time for everyone upstairs? I said that there was just a lot of spices around christmas that smelled like that, and christmas was a pain-free holiday for me, so that candle held one of the safest scents in the world to me as a result. then I kind of nodded to jeremiah and said that oddly that spiciness did match javier somehow. which was really cool. unfortunately I think someone walked in the room then because the memory cuts off and now it's 1am, whoa what

- I have this weird impression that sherlock fronted for a minute today, at the request of the other data vocies? I think it was with the candles. they needed to find some info and couldn't find it, so they called him in to do so, and he was able to easily. either way, good to see him again, he hasn't been out in a while (due to his bad habit of lording over our therapy sessions; dude I know you like talking shop but we all need to participate in those!).

- oh wait, no, there IS one flash from around 10:30? it's surprising too-- the body is standing at the kitchen table, but SPICE is fronting, making mint tea, breathing that in to calm herself down. and what do you know, minty popped in upstairs, said "that's my favorite tea you know," spice said she did know, she hoped it would help her sleep. minty smiled at the reference, and asked who she was. spice tiredly introduced herself, said she was only fronting because the body was in a lot of pain after whatever we ate earlier, and her job was to take that away from people, but it was depressing. minty looked sad, said she hoped it didn't hurt bad. spice said she could deal with it. then minty paused, said "hey, we both have names of spicy stuff," then added that she had decided they were now friends-- and spice could talk to her whenever she wanted to, if she needed a friend or some support when she was tired or lonely. spice genuinely smiled at that, and thanked her.

- there is also one flash from heaven knows when, of minty underground and THIS FREAKIN' BEAR BEHIND HER. I think he was talking to jayce (who did front for a significant amount of time this evening apparently, but I don't know for what reason), either way the bear was briefly explaining the odd teddy-messenger system he has going on, said it was important? but he was being cryptic, and whoever was talking didn't continue the conversation, so I have no idea what the deal was there. minty said something about a "teddy bear picnic" but she was apparently just referencing something she had heard, and hoped would be fun. still, finally, confirmation that the bear DOES exist!

-lastly TODAY WAS NATHANIEL'S BIRTHDAY! I would have done something for him, but when I peeked upstairs to wish him well, I realized that he was spending the day with leon, so I smiled and let them be. I'm not surprised though; they really love each other, and nat has died so many times that the fact that he still has a 'birthday' to celebrate probably means more to him as a celebration of life than it does to the rest of is. either way happy birthday bro. I remember a time when we all wondered if we'd ever get to see you again, so having you back with us now, happier than ever, really means a lot. may you have many many more years to celebrate!

 

 

 

 

Yesterday was, admittedly, a severely abusive day. Today was similar, but far more merciful (no hacks today, but still lots of pain, dissociation, and self-abuse of various sorts).
But it's hilariously odd. I've noticed that every time, EVERY time we have a terrifying day like yesterday, something happens to somehow redeem the whole thing. Something will happen that doesn't ignore the sins preceding it, but forgives them... and, even more incredibly, shows how they paved a painful but necessary pathway to some wisdom, some healing, some bright thing we may not have stumbled across otherwise. Every time. Whether that blessed event is "small or large" doesn't matter; in its significance, it is received with infinite gratitude.

Last night, I (J) went to bed with a splitting sugar headache, vague knowledge that there had been an evening hack, and general unease and chest pain that made sleeping rather frightening. The day had been highly dissociative and honestly I don't remember the vast majority of it today. Nevertheless, last night, I lay down in great pain with a pervasive feeling of anxiety, and that odd "fear of death" that frequently accompanies me to sleep when I am ill: since our psych ward hospitalization in 2011, where our meds gave the body weeks of ER-worthy side effects that would always slam us at night, any nighttime uneasiness brings with it the somnolent dread that I am not going to wake up the next morning. However, In light of how awful yesterday had made me feel, that dread became a conviction. Feeling a panic attack of the moral sort coming on to top it all off, I immediately called my boss (Mr. Sandman) for emotional support, trusting in his compassion despite how tainted I felt. He showed up, concerned, and I told him my worries, feeling too penitent and heartbroken to care about any sense of pride or reluctance to admit everything that had happened, focusing only on the guilt and sorrow I felt for causing another one of these nights, and the sister sensation to pain, which was total childlike contrition. I don't recall what I said, just that I was sorry and wanted my boss to know that, so he didn't think I was just taking advantage of his kindness. He didn't think that in the first place, as I should have known. I clearly remember him telling me that it was safe to cry if I needed to (as I actually was), he would never chide me for that-- only, he told me to remember that the pains were not permanent, even if they felt that way, so even through tears I should keep that in mind. He also reassured me that "tonight was not my time to die," and coming from a guy whose best friend is Death, that did calm me down quite a bit. I was still scared and in pain, but I knew I'd have to just wait it out now. Boss told me to simply sleep, as I needed it. I timidly told him falling asleep was scary, could he help a little? He smiled and said yes, he'd spare a little dream dust for that. Looking back on this I feel like I was making way too many demands of the guy, but considering how much of a mess I was, and how generous boss is, I don't have the heart to chastise myself for it... especially because of the last thing I asked him for. After he told me to sleep, I thanked him for all his help as always, but as he turned to leave I quickly told him to wait one second. Then, I quietly asked if he could kiss my forehead before he left, because that always made me feel a lot safer, plus I had a splitting headache. He smiled at that, a genuine spontaneous smile that already made me feel better, and then he kissed me goodnight before bowing and leaving for the night. It took a few seconds, but suddenly I noticed that my headache was gone. The awful pain that had been haunting me for hours had literally just disappeared. I would have started laughing if I had the strength to do so; I could barely believe it. But I was grateful, and I fell asleep quickly afterwards.
That was the first little thing, that not only gave me hope, but for an instant it also convinced me that headspace and all that it brought was 100% real, a feeling I haven't had in a very long time.

The second thing happened the next morning, after I woke up, and despite seeming little, it was in truth one of the biggest things that could have happened at all.
I was awakened rather suddenly at 8AM by a phone call, and then my grandmother telling me she was going to visit my grandfather early. Unfortunately I was so tired I don't remember anything else, other than the fact that I went back into my room to get some more sleep... but then, suddenly, I felt that I needed to speak to Infinitii, in light of what had happened the day before. But I was scared. Ever since I've met him-- EVERY time I try to talk to him at night or in the morning, personally, I either get hacked or I barely avoid one. That is terrifying, and it's made me very scared of him, ironically, because part of me isn't scared of him and will never be, so I keep blinding myself to the danger that exists regardless. Point is, I was taking a huge risk going to talk to him. I think he knew this. He was a bit of a mess emotionally still; when I showed up he actually said "don't talk to me," but I simply responded that I wanted to tell him something I figured out the night before? Either way his uncharacteristically harsh affront fell then, and he apologized, saying he was just angry with me, and torn up about this whole situation. I apologize; I don't recall our conversation due to only being half-conscious, but at some point, Infinitii started taking tar out of my abdomen again. It was oddly heavy and "dead" looking, Infi said it was too overloaded to move. He got all that out, but then there was corrupt White energy in there too? That was scary, because it was all crystallized, like rock, and we weren't sure how to get it out. He did, I forget how, but it hurt. Either way it made sense that I was stuck with more frozen White energy than the smothering Black stuff, because when I fall out of my element I get icy and uncaring and cruel, whereas Infi becomes uncontrollable and almost manic. But that's actually what I wanted to tell him. SINCE 2011, whenever people have had to yank Tar out of me, it's been in my ABDOMEN. That's where all the pain and trauma is stored for me. But for Infi, his positive energy was somehow stored there. So... when we are physically close, there are OBVIOUSLY MAJOR PROBLEMS. Ideally both our positive cores should be at chest level, but for unknown reasons, Infi's got pushed lower. And although I knew from the beginning that that wasn't a bad thing in and of itself, when he was around me, it sure as hell was. See, in reviewing the archives, I realized why I've been having so many problems with White, especially in respect to how I work with Infinitii. This is from March. "Boss said..."We just have to be careful; I don't want you moving up into White when you still have lower blocks, because then the Tar would have direct access to you." it would be lethally dangerous apparently..." And guess what? Those blocks were NOT FIXED. Infi kept trying to fix them, but since he held the BLACK slot, while the Tar ALSO still did, well. It was a recipe for absolute disaster, because all that energy from Infi was feeding INTO the traumatic energy I still had stuck in me, and making it worse, simply due to its LOCATION. So simple, but so important, and we overlooked it. BUT. As of yesterday morning, Infinitii took that out. He emptied that bubble of everything that was clogging it, and tore it out. And he forced his energy to re-center higher, in his rib cage, so that the B/W energy resonance between the two of us wouldn't be traumatic anymore.
I realized that. I told him that, how it worked. I told him how I had realized so many answers in the archives (which I won't write here tonight as we have no time to spare for that now). He kept trying to clear me out for good, hellbent on getting rid of that lingering fear and pain and shame and guilt and loathing... but I was still barely conscious, and when Infi realized we'd done as much as we could for now, he told me to just go back to sleep, it was okay. As always, I didn't question what he told me to do. But when I curled back up in bed he just looked at me, both sad and happy somehow, and I wasn't scared. I didn't feel any threats. I didn't feel ANY Tar or white stuff or hacks or intrusive thoughts or Julie words. Nothing was trying to hurt me, in stark contrast to EVERY SINGLE OTHER MORNING I'd spent with Infi since he was ripped from my ribs in April. I remember he lay his head on my chest then and I just laughed, it didn't feel threatening, seriously that DIDN'T FEEL LIKE A DEATH THREAT and I am so used to being terrified of people even touching me there lately. But I fell asleep with him like that, completely at peace with things, and it wasn't until I woke up two hours later that the significance of that peace hit me. I'm still reeling. Maybe it doesn't sound like much, but believe me, it is.
That was the first morning SINCE APRIL that I've been with Infinitii, and WASN'T at risk of being hacked, and DIDN'T feel scared or anxious, and DIDN'T severely dissociate. THAT'S NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE.
Considering how much I adore Infi and how closely our roles work together naturally, the fact that I accepted that tumultuous relationship as "normal" for nearly SEVEN MONTHS, questioning nothing, only wondering why I was "so corrupt"... it's shocking. It really is.
But now that's over. I hope to God it stays this way. I hope, more than anything, that we can start over, he and I, and not have to live in danger and pain anymore. And I'll tell you what... it's nice, to have that hope, without it being backed by fear.


Still, the rest of today was a bit of a mess, as I said; I could not stop dissociating so I was dizzy all day and couldn't see straight. As a result I had to wear glasses to force my eyes to focus, but that proved to be amusingly problematic because our only glasses-wearer is Sherlock, and he isn't allowed to front outside of therapy or research due to his uber-logical demeanor... so everyone else had to keep putting on and removing them according to whether or not they could see through them. Knife tried to wear them at one point but he couldn't quite get used to it; nevertheless the sight of him confusedly wearing Sherlock's glasses was enough to make me smile. And on that note, despite the messiness, I did say today was merciful too. Let's get to that part.
I don't remember anything post-awakening until after 2PM today, which is when we had to go out and run a few personal errands-- check the craft stores, buy toothpaste, stop at the library. The health food store was first, but that trip proved to be rather important to me personally, because to get to that store, we had to drive through a town that I love more than I can put into words. Explanation: in that town, there is a street, where I used to go for violin lessons as a child. That street feels beautifully secluded, with huge trees shadowing the road on both sides, and lovely large houses lining the street. But the violin building itself was the source of my BIGGEST inspirations as a child. Honestly, there is NO way I can EVER express how much I adore that place, and how significant it is to me... Hosea was born there, Isabelle was born there, SI started there, the 2nd generation of Jewel Monsters started there, and I found a few there too... it's showed up in several of my dreams, it's influenced my musical style, and it's forever colored my personality. But that place didn't stand alone: across the street, there used to be a large coffeeshop/bookstore that closed shortly after I stopped taking lessons. Despite its short-lived existence, that place was one of the most GORGEOUS places to me as a child-- the "vibe" of that place actually has a big influence on my Rosewindow series, believe it or not-- and my fond memories of it were made even more precious by the fact that, after my violin lesson every week, my teacher would give me $3 and tell me to run over there and get her a coffee (1/3 milk, 1/3 black, 1/3 decaf... I'd often mix in tiny bits of seasonal flavors for her when they had them; she loved it). I'd run there in rain or shine, passing the "flame tree" on the way (a black-barked tree that would always have the most vivid leaves in the fall), taking a small "secret path" behind the bushes to get there instead of the sidewalk, and then waiting patiently in line inside, enjoying every moment of that heavenly place. The tables in the back were decorated with newspaper clippings, I remember, and the lights always made it feel so warm, especially when it was snowing outside. The people there recognized me after a while, and I always got a dollar to keep. However, they had Linda's Lollies there, the first ones I ever saw: I thought they were awesome, so I'd often buy one of my favorite flavors, like Creme de Menthe or Cinnamon (this was back when I could eat lollipops, obviously)... OR I'd save up my money and buy a huge muffin (honestly they were massive) to take back and eat in the music shop downstairs, listening to the violins around me and either drawing or doing homework. Isn't it funny how I remember ALL of that so clearly, and yet almost nothing else of the past? ALL my memories of that place are in the late summer or fall, though. It's either green rain, or red leaves. And I don't remember ANYTHING concrete of it prior to 2001/2002... but that doesn't worry me. I don't remember the body's childhood anyway. All my memories start around that time. However, it literally feels as if the person who I am now was born there, in that music shop. To me, that place is like... it's like home. But it's been empty for years now.
So driving past it, I pointed it out to everyone, trying to share with them some of the love I felt for it. The coffeeshop nearby had also been empty for years obviously, but this time I parked alongside it and ran over to look in the darkened windows... honestly it was shocking. The entire inside was gutted, and two extra walls were put in, both dividing and shrinking the place I remembered as having been as big as my dreams. The walls were sloppily being re-painted, and a ladder was leaned against one wall. I felt like a time-traveler; did anyone seeing that place now know what it had once been? Who else remembered it as fondly as I did? The people in headspace had never even seen it... all they had were my golden-painted memories. Perhaps that was enough. Perhaps that was better. These two empty buildings would live on forever in my heart.
I left then, got the toothpaste and stopped at the first craft store (the driving period after I once again passed the music store is almost blank to me). As soon as I entered, I saw they had a few small Christmas trees up for decoration. Immediately I stopped and took off the glasses, smiling and saying "hey Undergrounders; you've never seen Christmas trees before. Take a look." So they did. It was moving and oddly sad; David and Marigold were enthralled by the lights and ribbons, but Knife and Razor, although mesmerized by the oddly pretty trees, said they couldn't quite "comprehend" what they were looking at yet, so suddenly. I told them we'd have a tree in our house soon enough, I'd make sure they understood it well enough when that happened. So after this, we looked for the beads (nothing doing,) but I know for a fact that Knife AND Razor tried to front here? Razor spent a while looking at the beads, not fully grounded (she had the AP doing most of the moving), and as usual feeling that the lack of fitting beads meant that people were "trying to say she didn't exist." Knife said this wasn't the case, but she still wouldn't rest until she found something that matched her, and Knife, just to feel a little better existentially. After this we left for the library, which is a brilliant place because it's actually inside an old church! Really it's amazing, and the place has the BEST selection of books in the nearest counties, no contest. So I grabbed a bunch of books that I wasn't even aware they carried but wanted to read now that I did, and then we left. Unfortunately I'd been somewhat dissociated while I was in there-- very common when in a public place-- so the headspace people didn't get to see it firsthand. Nevertheless Knife expressed interest at its being in an old church. I said I'd have to make sure he got to front a little next time I was there. After this, I know Emmett wanted us to buy seaweed at the local grocery store, but the body was feeling so sick and dizzy at the time we ultimately all decided it was better for us to just get home, because driving down the highway when severely dissociated is never a good idea.
We got home at 5 and then I swear to you I lost about 4 hours, all I know is that someone binged and I later found myself vomiting in the bathroom. That's when I decided (again) that "this has to stop," and sat down to type. So yeah, that's how we spent Halloween, haha. Unfortunately. I honestly forgot it was even today. That happens when your perception of time is as weird as ours is.
Oh, also. I do remember the few minutes after we walked in the door, because when we unloaded our groceries and books on the workdesk, someone decided to eat one of the little ginger-orange mints I had bought on a whim? Javier was trying to front at the time (he's still having a hard time doing so; I think he needs to manifest upstairs first), but it surprised us when we realized that he wasn't the one really reacting to eating it. He said it was good, but he couldn't quite "understand" sensory input yet... and yet someone was absolutely blissing out over this mint. After a second to recognize the energy, I realized that it was actually Cel! Apparently that was the first thing she'd ever eaten while fronting, too-- even secondhand-- and the fact that she apparently thought this gingermint was the food of the gods was making her amazed reaction even better. So yes, Celebi adores the gingermints, and wants me to buy more. I gladly will! (She's also decided to use this TCG card as a grounding item, NOT a plush (we have a tiny one left to sell), thanks to the trauma the Tar tied to those in the past; she was not happy at all when she heard about that.) Also, in light of headspace food, my grandmother has decided she's going to make a pumpkin pie this week so we are going to have to find Leon soon so he can have more of that, haha. Really though, we all miss him, and we know we NEED him too, him and Nathaniel. Heaven only knows where they are, and why they of all people haven't come back from the reset yet... Laurie thinks it's because their energy (green and indigo) works with the heart and mind, respectively... and we've been taking a lot of battle damage to those lately. So maybe we need to do more healing first. It would make sense.
Also... I bought some kale on Wednesday because I know Xenophon used to love it, back when I knew her, and something told me to buy it for her again now, despite having forgotten. Boss also told me last night that I need to stabilize so I can 'meet' her again. But I still don't remember that part of the past. I DID get a tiny spark of genuine remembrance concerning Chaos yesterday, which felt like a big spark of hope too, but it was just a feeling, not a thought. Nevertheless it's something. I know I need to get those memories back, even if I don't go back to that life... which still doesn't feel like the correct option for me. But we'll cross that bridge when we get there. I'm not there yet, but I'm not supposed to be on this side of the river either, from what I've been told. I'll keep you posted.

I've spent the evening post-sickness trying to find beads online for that project we're planning: making a string of them as a grounding object, and to help with therapy. It's taking forever, because we're looking for uniformity for different levels, and that is really tricky to do when only certain colors come in certain sizes, etc. However, I've managed to find colors for everyone in Central in 22mm rhinestone beads-- the only size that offered an indigo bead selection for Leon. We don't know what kinds of beads to use for the other levels yet, as that will depend entirely on the colors available, so I'll keep looking. Either way this is fun to do; we've been ignored in the physical for so long (thanks to the survival method of "keeping ourselves secret" AND having a few fronters that wanted us all dead) that working on something like this is a sort of affirmation of our existences, and that means more than we can say.

OH. Last important thing of today. While looking up the beads, we suddenly realized that the "core" Pink energy we've been running by is WRONG?? Julie always had it this lurid hot pink color, as the default, but that ISN'T what the ACTUAL Pink energy is like! It's a much lighter color, similar to Sugar's actually, but not as pale. But when we realized that I couldn't believe I hadn't noticed that problem years ago. I've done enough research on color psychology to know that hot pinks are typically sexualized and loud, while lights pinks are more innocent, used for romantic love instead. And we've had the FORMER ruling that part of the Spectrum for TEN YEARS.
So that's why the Spectrum booted her out. She really doesn't fit there, in the Central position.



I am really tired now though, so I'm going to go to sleep. See you guys.