the spectrum heart cathedral system

WE'VE NEVER CONSIDERED MOST OF THESE BUT THEY ARE ESSENTIAL-- AND DIRECTLY RELEVANT TO US AS A SYSTEM!!

♡ A "compassionate self-image" is YOUR OWN personal ideal: what YOU would REALLY like from feeling cared for and cared about!!!

♡ Focus on certain qualities:

• WISDOM
• STRENGTH
• WARMTH
• NON-JUDGMENT

What specific colors are associated with these qualities?
What would these qualities look, sound, and feel like?
Let this data come to you NATURALLY, letting information emerge in your mind on its own, without judging or forcing.


♡ Other questions to ask concerning a "compassionate self-image" and "building" one if needed:

• Remember your 'image' brings FULL compassion TO you and FOR you!
• Would you want your caring image to feel/ look/ seem old or young, male or female (or neither), human or nonhuman (animal, sea, light, etc.)?
• How would you like your ideal caring 'image' to look, concerning visual qualities?
• How would you like your ideal caring image to sound (i.e., voice tone)?
• What other sensory qualities can you give to it?
• Would your 'image' have gone through similar experiences to you?
• Would they be like a friend, or even part of a team that welcomes you to belong?
• How would you like your ideal caring 'image' to relate to you?
• How would YOU like to relate to your ideal 'image?'

♡ DO ALL OF THIS WITH JESUS-- THE ONLY TRUE IDEAL, AND PERFECTION OF ALL EARTHLY IDEALS-- AND WRITE ABOUT IT. We feel/ fear that we don't "know Him" well or truly enough. This WILL help deepen our relationship.
Remember that since these "ideal images" are supposed to be SUPERHUMAN, based on perfect ideals, then this is all the more reason WHY ONLY JESUS SHOULD BE THE ULTIMATE FULFILLMENT AND TYPE OF SUCH AN "IMAGE"!!!!


♡ Ideals to include/ recognize in this ideal caring image:

• A deep commitment to you: it should seek only to help you (LIFE ITSELF/ LOVE HIMSELF)
• Strength of mind: it is not exhausted by your level of distress ("I have overcome the world" John 16:33)
• Wisdom: it truly understands what you are going through (THE PASSION & CROSS)
• Warmth: it is kind and gentle with you (Matthew 11:28, 12:20)
• Acceptance: it is not judgmental or critical (DIVINE MERCY; "Our Great High Priest," JOHN 3:16)

♡ Questions to help build/identify your compassionate self-image:
I'm doing these for the System. We are... honestly we are a blessed example of self-compassion already, inherently so, no matter what the deniers and destroyers say. Thank God for giving us each other.
...Reading those ideals I just wrote, I wanted to sob. We have never known that in the physical world, in fact only the exact opposite feebly masquerading as or attempting to be such... it always collapsed catastrophically, in a bitter paroxysm of rage and turncoat hatred. It was always our fault in some way, and although there is honest pain in that sentence we admit it is still true.
Nevertheless... in stark stunning shocking contrast, inside, in the System, EVEN WITH the blood and war and fear, THERE HAS ALWAYS BEEN ABSOLUTE COMPASSION. To this day, to this very day, I wake up and go to bed thanking God for them. Even if it's only the tiniest shattered fragment of a feeling, even if it's buried under the bodyvoice girls who hate everything but God, ironically... for our entire life, despite all odds, our System has been all about love.
So I'm going to fill this out for some of the figureheads of that. I'll do it for more people later, I must... but for now, this special recognition is wholeheartedly deserved.

Answering these for Laurie, Chaos 0, and Mister Sandman:

1. How would you like your compassionate-image to appear to you?

Notably, they're all similar in key ways: physically they are tall & broad-shouldered but NOT towering, boxy, or "burly"; they're slimmer in silhouette, almost androgynous but leaning masculine. They always use open body language, never tight or closed off. They talk with their hands & smile broadly. They ALL have a "touch of age" without being "old"? You can't put a solid number to them. Laurie & Sandman can pass as human but they are subtly "different"; the recognition reminds you of "something greater."

2. How would you like your compassionate-image to sound?

A medium tone, androgynous, not "soft" but not hard either. Level and sincere, strong but kind. Clearly spoken & direct. Medium paced, with frequent, notable inflections, yet no "sudden" shifts or spikes. Emotionally earnest & open. Never flat, detached, rushed, or unclear. They talk to everyone like to a friend-- never as a therapist or professor (even if they act as one), and never with a "stranger's" clipped disinterest. They CARE.

3. Any other sensory qualities-- what colors? how would it feel?

Laurie is violet/white/black/red. Chaos is aqua/peridot/red. Sandman is red/gold/white. All their colors are vivid & clear; no "greying" or faded hues.
They're all built solid but that's "softened" in some way? Chaos is fluid at the core; he's as "soft as water" in every sense; you can feel the surface tension, but it breaks easy into open depths. Mr. Sandman's hands/face are gentle with age, lined and soft, and he ALWAYS wears "pajamas" (silky, light fabric, and glitter to boot). Even Laurie is paradoxically "soft" at the edges, from all her bandages, her battleworn vest, and arguably that famous shock of spiky hair. They all give strong & warm embraces.
Laurie always smells like blood & steel & stars. Mr. Sandman smells like snowflakes & sunlight & winter blankets. Chaos 0 smells like rain & sea & river water, with an unearthly sparkle like diamonds.

4. How will your compassionate-image relate to you and your struggles?

They UNDERSTAND TRAUMA, GRIEF, LOSS, RAGE, & PAIN, but have NO bitterness or despair. Shockingly, they HAVE ALL experienced trauma similar to mine, WITHOUT the explicitness (THANK GOD). But they have all bled & wept & struggled with intense, even violent emotion. They all love deeply; they all have "blamed themselves" for "failing to protect" the ones they love. Chaos actually understands addiction firsthand. Laurie CARRIES MY SCARS & has been suicidal. Mister Sandman knows ALL ABOUT nightmares, even the worst ones. He gets it. For all three of them, no matter what I'm suffering through, in some way I can tragically but blessedly trust that they HAVE "been there"... and they will be there for me, with me, too.

5. How will you relate to your compassionate-image?

They all "personify" key parts of my heart, ideals that I fail to live up to or even truly recognize in myself, yet which resonate so deeply I cannot ever deny them.
Laurie is indefatigable strength & raw wisdom.
Mister Sandman is inexhaustible warmth & acceptance.
Chaos 0 is ineffable commitment and love.

I seem to exist the most clearly at dawn and dusk. That's it.

Today I realized just how much I miss being outside. I need to go outside more; I miss that the most about SLC, I miss that the most about family vacations. Even if I was stressed, at least I could go outside and wander the streets and feel alive for once.
Here, I'm kind of stuck up in the woods. Yes, I adore it, but I can't just go walking through it anymore. Too many bears and ticks, unfortunately!
But… I'm looking through photos we have stockpiled for headspace/heartspace locations, and these two immediately gave me that beloved childhood "existential" feeling that I gauge my spiritual health by. I have memories that match it exactly-- the smell of night fog and flowers, of breathing trees, of twilight and rain and quiet. It's a smell that oddly means awakening to me, opening my inner eyes as the sun disappears into blue, existing once the rush of the sun has abated. But that feeling, that feeling I ONLY get outside, and usually when I'm far away from "home"… God I haven't felt it so long, but I recognized it like a man returning from war, with heartbreaking joy and sadness both. It's what I need right now. I need it. I really do.
What I really miss is the wandering. Just… it's a big part of why I love Dishonored, really. You can do just that, absolutely. I think that's where my personal timeline began, last autumn when we were either counting down to or recovering from surgery… maybe both. Dune and Dishonored. Everything was orange and warm and bright and then suddenly as we got to the end of the book, the end of the game, things became colder, twilight-colored, indigo and windy… winter rolled in and I don't remember it at all. Which is sad. But it's so weird, last autumn is so incredibly vivid. We've been switching so much otherwise… it's unfortunate, but having that one memory anchor, it means a lot.

I miss the beach. God I miss the beach, my heart hurts just thinking about it.
(Jewel) There's gotta be somewhere around here where I can swim. I need to be in the water. It's driving me crazy; every so often I get this overpowering need to just be underwater, and I/we haven't been able to meet that need in literal years. Which isn't cool.

(Jay) Lately I've been having big daydreams about what it would be like in the future, if we got our shit together and were able to live wherever, do whatever. Of course I always dream of living in the city, in some nice swanky place, within traveling distance of a coast. It's a reflection of headspace really. But I still love Gimmelwald, up in those green heights, vast and simple and gorgeous. I still love the woods up here too, as it is. I don't know where we'll end up living, but… I need the trees, and I need the sea. That will never change.

Japan, the view of Mount Fuji and the cherry trees, with red pagodas bright against it all, has been feeling very close to my heart too. Perhaps it's because we first "discovered" that country and its culture when we were about 12, 13… a really lovely time in our inner life. So the vibe of that place is very strongly attached to the adventurous peace of that time. It's Hoseki's home, it's half of heartspace, even if we've never been there.
I adore that country, everything about it. I still want to go there one day.
Julie has modeled the Pink Realms after it, I noticed. Japan at dawn. Everything pink and soft and holding that exact vibe I just mentioned… and lots of views like this; everything is up high, way above the sea.
Apparently the view is highest where it intersects with the Cerise Realms. Jeremiah and the kids requested that-- there's a big view of the valley up by the mall, about 10 minutes away from where we go to therapy, and every time we're up that way they ask to be able to just stop and look out at it. So Julie and Eros put a view like that in for them, which is really sweet, and beautiful too.
Nathaniel is taking inspiration from Japan too, what with the forest temples. He saw a picture of one and immediately told me the vibe was exact, so that was nice.
Leon also found a photo that matches the look/feel of the Indigo Realms perfectly, finally. He was really excited about that.
Laurie has put giant wisteria trees and lots of sky lanterns in the Violet Realms. She's also decided their "timeframe" is 1am-3am, that sort of late night/ early morning stillness. The sky is swimming with stars, it's gorgeous.
As for other timeframes, while I'm thinking of it... Pink=dawn, Indigo=dusk, Blue=early night (10pm), Violet=late night (2am), Sky=late morning, and I think Cerise=sunset? I also think Orange=early evening and Green=early afternoon. No idea on Yellow, Lime, or Aqua yet... but they feel like "day" places for the most part. Red and Brown are largely unstable yet so no clue there. Black/Gray/White feel different in general so I don't know if they're tied to time at all. We'll see.
Lastly, Waldorf and Kyanos have agreed that there is now a legit automotive bodyshop at the border between their Realms, which is hilariously adorable.

Dalton was out today for the job; he's getting more solid. But he was talking TO the Gent IN HEADSPACE for a minute?? Their colors are close and we just happened to have two cars in the shop today in those exact hues, right next to each other. So that resonance triggered a short meeting between those two fellows, apparently. It didn't last long as neither of them have strong enough roots but DUDE. The GMQs were FACELESS SOCIALS for years! So that's really cool, it means they aren't as dead as we feared. I'm really glad. I remember way back we said "no one ever really dies up here" and that's a mixed blessing but I'm very thankful for it nevertheless.
We've been teaching Dalton that the most important thing he can do is care. The Tar & Plague are both run by apathy in a sense-- cold hearts expressed at different extremes. They're both careless. We NEED to be the opposite. So we told Dalton, you MUST care. You must feel compassion and affection and interest and generosity and service. You must. It's the only thing that will allow YOU to survive and it is the only thing that will allow ANY of us to survive.


Speaking of both wisteria and newer people. One of the "brown-haired" alters that have pre-System but non-abusive roots picked a name today? "Neutra." As in "neutral," obviously. But she looks like the body did around age 13-14, except she has violet eyes. Which is interesting. Browns are odd because they're largely "non-Spectrum" for lack of a better term, so this thing with dual colors is intriguing. Perhaps that's NOT a sign of dissonance for some? Who knows, we'll find out. But yes, she picked a name, now we know how to refer to one more person.


Last.fm is throwing some good music recommendations at me.
D was listening to a band the other day, Aquilo, and we immediately fell in love with their stuff. It's incredible, both his style and his voice. "Better Off Without You" has been on loop in my head for days. So much of his stuff is relevant to Dream World, it really inspired me. Oh yeah, and thanks to D we also finally listened to Coldplay's X&Y album, 10 years later, ha. But I'm glad we waited, because the album is shockingly relevant to headspace. Hilariously, the only songs I don't really like are the only ones you ever hear on the radio. Go figure. That's typical though.
We're also really enjoying Dorian Concept's stuff. We discovered them years ago really but never listened to an actual album of theirs, and this is really neat.

I'm really feeling snow tonight, too. I miss it just as strongly as the beach, but differently.
…Ah. I think that's the difference. There's two of us. Me, who misses the snow and the ice and Christmas and peppermint and gold and who remembers that, who has winter etched into his very blood… and him, the other one with white hair, who misses the ocean and the water and the summer night air and the early city fog, who is tied to a totally different season and feeling than I am.
It's nice, to finally be able to put words to that feeling, to FEEL that difference, to have clarity between different core-parts. It really is nice. It's validating, for both of us.
Dare I say it-- the therapist will be proud, heheh.


Rosewindow-- the Leagueworld-- has been talking to me a lot lately. I have Spotify to thank for that; I found some very resonant songs for it (mostly by The Flower Kings and Cherry Ghost) and as a result, the plot is blooming again. I'm so excited, I adore this world so far, it's so vast and gorgeous and sad and amazing. Like a sunrise.
Event Horizon is FINALLY growing, too. That world's been on hold for years, it's awful. I felt bad, because it was actually stagnant-- I saw nowhere it could go, no idea what to do. But now it's moving again! Slowly but surely. I'm so glad.
LG*Girls is trying to move, but it has no solid plot yet and it has too many possibilities. It does bank on something else though so I'm ironing out the kinks and hopefully it'll snap into fit sometime soon.
vo!t@ge and Halcyon Days are both going through some big shifts, in terms of the state of their physical worlds. MASSIVE plot changes for the former, just as significant plot alterations for the latter. Also, again thanks to Spotify, it seems there's practically an entire genre of music that sounds like Haruka Nakamura (the sort of soft, early morning, guitar-over-piano, downtempo stuff) and we associate that style very strongly with Halcyon Days-- that, and Thomas Dolby-style 80s synths. It's an interesting soundtrack but I love it. Now if only I had the means to write the same stuff, haha. I will try.
Now if only I could get Puppetstrings to talk like this again. Those kids feel stuck all of a sudden too. But it doesn't feel locked-in; I'm sure if I just sit down and untangle it it'll start flowing again.
Oh yeah! Last thing-- Oneircia is starting, shyly but honestly, to tell me the MIDDLE of the story, at LONG LAST. Remember how I said I knew how that one began, and then how it ended? Well now everything between those two points is finally filling in. And it's NOT as melancholy as we erroneously assumed before. I'm sorry for that; someone previously painted their story with cynicism which is really the polar opposite of what the story is. So that’s a profound relief.


There was a lot of synchronicity today, it feels like. It's been like that lately, lots of little nudges in interesting directions, lots of triple numbers, lots of relevant song lyrics.
We were under a lot of stress today, massively so, but we were in-and-out of peace even within that? Genesis was helping of course, but it was nice to not be swallowed up in the upset. And at one point we got an avalanche of reassuring signs that led to a totally unexpected opportunity to help someone-- which was only possible because of the "bad luck" we had leading up to it. Go figure, right?
So that was really nice. Saw 1111 after that too. It always feels nice to see that number again.



This body has a fatigue headache and I'm kind of woozy and lightheaded. I don't enjoy this feeling. It's a result of self-neglect, though. That, in turn, is a result of feeling stuck in the house. At least now we get out in the morning and go work at that awesome garage, that helps so so so much.

Laurie says I should get to sleep so off I go.
I miss CZ especially and lately headspace feels closer to my heart than ever so that's something to look forward to.

Song of the night, see you later loves.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Quick update!

Current fronters are vacillating between Jewel and Jay, the latter of whom is rather shaken-up and not wanting to be out right now.

Jewel here, uh, let me try not to be all Pokemon-ish for a while (not feeling it atm anyway, X/Y felt like it really).
Things have been quiet since last night as we're unplugged from headspace until tomorrow, for health's sake. Infinitii is alive, but as of last night Jay said ze wants to be left alone, as ze's healing or something? We're not sure, all we know is that ze's practically in stasis, not moving or anything, just lying there. Ze's in some small, deep cavern, with light streaming into it from above, and lilies all around. Only Jay can get into it as it's floating space. We're not sure what Infi's role is going to be after this-- everything we've assumed about hir (already an obvious problem, the assuming and projecting) has turned out to be very harmful, or outright dangerous in the long run. So we're not going to guess. We're going to let Infi figure that out on hir own.
Oh also Jay wants me to tell you this, uh... Infi's also lying in a pool of blood? Which is where the lilies are coming from (it's white). Infinitii seems to have a thing for flowers, wink nudge cough apparently. Anyway Jay says Infi was carrying something? Like using the word "pregnant" doesn't feel right, not for hir. But ze was carrying some sort of life in hir again, and Jay says ze claims ze "sent it to the future" to avoid it being killed, or corrupted, or otherwise damaged by the Tar and everything? I have no clue. But yeah, Infi hirself is now doubting whether or not ze was ever meant to be some sort of literal "mothering" figure. Maybe it's the Tar, but it seems whenever ze tries to work with "beneficial sexuality" in that sense, ze gets sniped. It's harsh to say, but it's true, and it's really making everyone at a loss as to what to think or do. Regardless it happened again before this fallout, so if Jay finds any more weird monsters in the sink then safe to say Xennie will likely have a sibling, I dunno. That whole thing is not my division at all but hey, as long as it works out benevolently in the end. I know it's been a minefield of pain and trauma for a while and frankly I'm sick of it even secondhand.

Laurie didn't get to talk to the claw-teeth person last night (who SEEMS to be rather gold in color??), due to heavy fatigue and Jay being utterly unable to keep a channel open. However there IS a file on the voice recorder from them! No one listened to it yet, but it's there. The reality of it is just creepy as heck, really. I haven't read a jot of what they discussed last night but I know they did, and the vibe that teethy person gave off is just... scary. It's heavy not in a dense way, but in a "powerful" way. Like it's a massively powerful and dangerous thing, but it's not evil? And it's not entirely neutral? It just has it's own staunch moral code that it will not compromise and it will crush you if you stand in its way. And it's merciless, that's the word people keep using. That sort of creepy vibe. Yeesh.
So we'll have to transcribe that this evening (if we have the nerve-- I might have to do it!!) and add it to our record with all the other ones.

Since it's Ash Wednesday a lot is being planned for the next 40 days, or more-- we tend to stretch it out until the second week of May, with the original body birthday (and my adopted one). Regardless we've decided we are NOT going to think of it in terms of "sacrifice and suffering," which was the old mindset tied to the past. No, we're going to make these two months full of growth and improvement and hope and forward movement. One day at a time, though-- trying to do too much at once, all at once, just causes a crash and burn. So one day at a time.

Xenophon's 3rd birthday is next Thursday, Infinitii's first "birthday" is April 3rd. Both of those days practically require a great deal of focus on love and joy, considering the roles and lives of those two in the System.
Waldorf's 11th birthday was Monday (what an oldbie!), but we're awful with dates so we will revisit that whenever we are healthily able to. She's awesome and she deserves celebration of her life, and what it stands for too.
David and Marigold have their first System birthday on April 23rd, right after Easter, and since those two kids have been through way too much pain for their ages, we're going to have to take extra effort to make that date a very happy and special one for them.

Personally I think we NEED to focus on ripping down the weird walls between the League and the System. I know we've been saying that for a while, but we have been making progress, and the more I learn, the easier and more amazing and awesome it is. But there are some huge obstacles keeping it from being complete, mostly the risk of cross-corruption which I will NOT allow to happen, nor will the worlds themselves, so maybe we gotta fix this Tar/Plague stuff for good first. We'll see. We're working on it still! I promise.

Either way today feels like ANOTHER "new beginning," go figure, we felt a weird sort of massive significance around March 5th all month-- guess none of us expected something like THIS though. Oh well. The universe knows what it's doing!

Now off to get dust put on our foreheads (keheheh... Philip Pullman and Dream World right there) so bye!!

 

 

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@ 06:15 pm


Dream journal for March 5th, 2014

 

(first dream= blurry, took these raw notes on my voice recorder before i fell back asleep: kid named phil, looked about 13, kind of unruly, short messy black hair and freckles. kind of rebellious and wouldn't listen to me but i knew he was a good kid. we were in this sort of floating mechanical building? like the belly of an aircraft, but the size of a business garage with the ceiling height and width. think one of robotnik's ships in the sonic games. everything was copper-colored and steampunk-ish. also inside there were all these stairways and slopes and things set around within that one open space, again, like a sonic game. notably there was this huge open circular hole in the middle of the floor, like 30 feet around, no glass or anything. looking out, the view looked like angel island, all foggy cloud cover, and underneath it was either ocean or forests. but way in the distance there was this one huge mountain, like mount fuji, but there were these "smoke factories" all over it that were belching out huge sickly clouds. i was very mad about that, wanted to stop it. then phil was recklessly driving a car through the floating building, almost drove off "cliff" around edge of lookout hole. i saved his life somehow, think the car crashed and he jumped out the door last second, i grabbed his hand as the car fell? i clearly remember looking down at him, and he had these shockingly vivid green eyes? then phil and i had these small punch-card looking things, had to do something important with them? went to other side of craft, started to look like the inside of a museum. there was this solidly-built black woman named amanda; she had this gorgeous curly hair, coppery orange-ish color (i swear it glowed in the light), up in this fluffy afro. she helped us with the cards, but something else happened where i was suddenly missing a shoe (right sneaker)? and we had to find it or we couldn't "properly complete the transaction." i remember thinking it fell out the lookout hole. ran down small stairway to look, but instead of going back up, something happened on that ledge where i was given a book about "simple gentleness?" and having a block of batteries. seriosuly the book looked cybernetic, there was this entire circuitboard-like page full of nothing but electronic places to put batteries. that was important somehow. as i was reading this wise counselor guy walked up to me and started to tell me about it, i felt very humble with him there. something with heart medallions? in the book? i think i was wearing one. counselor guy was using them to help with heart stuff, asking "what was blocking that" and the like. very much like spiritual therapy. i think clearing issues put symbols in the book? then another topic switch, some sort of computer where i was viewing a message board with chimiki? weird eye thing, mention of headspace? something with excruciating pain. it was terribly painful, I was very sad, and that was prior to this dream? that's all I remember for now.)

(second dream= transition with eating dried fruit in kitchen? out of some large ziplock bag. again, felt "out of it" atmosphere-wise. realized with surprise that there were big red fruit slices in the bag, like the size of peaches, that were actually the red fruits from the ending of his dark materials. woke up after that? or transitioned?)

(then, bros and I walking through forest behind camper, woods was swampy and overgrown? seemed foggy and gray. felt sad but rushed. then in backyard, tree covered in oranges, those same red fruits, and some other orange fruit. girl there picking oranges and talking almost dramatically about her family, trying to "find an answer" about them in the fruit. picked one, noticed it was rotten on one side and threw it to the ground, laughing at it in an "oh that was clever" way but sounding very anxious beneath. then I was there, alone, picking the red fruits and putting them in an ash bucket. as I picked, I felt uneasy, as there were people in the woods around me cutting down trees and building factories on the spot. I knew they would reach her eventually and wanted to save as many of these fruits as possible. soon, a man and a woman came over the hill by diamew, and began sawing down more trees. they cut down the one in front of the garden and it landed on my fruit tree before I could move far, catching my legs underneath top branches. but I shook lose of it and jumped to my feet. however the woman had caught up to me in the meantime, grinned, dragged me over to front of house where man was. I felt a little worried but had that odd "tired-surrender" feeling again, just followed. left bucket behind. man was setting a fire in front of the kitchen window, for "burning at the stake" or something similar. but the fire was almost a sunset-orange color, seemed vaguely translucent, and had holographic sparkles around it. I watched it almost dreamily, as the woman victoriously said that they were going to burn me in it, and got some sort of encyclopedic image/voice in my head that said, the fire was magical? but it burned according to intention or vibration? I got the impression that only certain people could see the sparkles from it. and if someone stepped into the flame while holding similar light and sparkles inside them, so to speak, it would recognize them as a fellow soul and not burn them? something like that. then the woman shouted at me to pay attention and come over there, and the image faded, but I immediately knew that I had to truly let go of/ transmute my lingering fear and judgment about the situation, or it would still be able to burn me. anyway the woman had me stand in front of her, I noticed she was holding several small daggers. she reached out and grabbed the waistband of my shorts (which I only then noticed I was wearing-- tan and short), then said that she had to drop the knives through the legs, and see whether or not they hit my legs or feet. if none of them did, it would show I was "pure" or something. like a witch test. I got the strong impression that she was making that up or skewing it, and just wanted to stab my feet on purpose so I couldn’t run, but I let her do it. she dropped one knife through, it missed my right foot by an inch or so. she went to drop another one, but then I felt something on my left leg. she paused, then let go of me and jumped backwards in fearful panic, dropping the knives. she shouted, "spider!!" and I was aware that there was indeed a large spider crawling up my left leg, like a tarantula. immediately I was vaguely afraid it would bite me, but then I realized, this spider was protecting me. it was a good messenger, and had gotten the woman away from me. then, it jumped off my leg, and immediately I got a loud voice in my head saying, solemnly, "now RUN." so I did, while the man and woman were still in shock. I ran all the way to the fruit tree, and grabbed my bucket, but then paused. should I try to pick a few more? would the ones I saved be enough for seeds? I wasn't sure, and I hesitated, but something in my intuition was still telling me loudly, "just run, it'll be fine!" but I doubted myself greatly, and set the bucket down, quickly grabbing a few more fruits as the man and woman ran closer. then, after a few seconds, I felt a hand on my arm, pulling me away from the tree. I turned to look, and it was my boss, mr. sandman!! he essentially said, "that'll be enough, child; we must escape." so I ran away with him, and as soon as we reached the edge of the woods I woke up.
upon awakening I got the gentle admonishment that I should have indeed listened to my intuition, even against my own strong doubts, but that I did manage to get out of there in time, and the fruit would be safe. I apologized, saying I would remember that lesson.

 

 

 

This dream was AMAZING.
I actually took a half hour of audio notes on it immediately upon waking up, that's how great it was. There was no way I was letting myself forget this. You'll see why.

The first thing I remember, I was in a car, driving down the side road by the vacant local restaurant. I was listening to some sort of Samurai Champloo-ish instrumental thing while I was driving, that was supposedly from Sonic. I was behind this big truck I had to follow, and I was holding my iPod in one hand which somehow made it so I couldn't use the brakes well. There were 2 other people in the car, I was supposed to be showing them something, but I did not know what exactly. I caught up to the truck at the top of the hill by the bridge, at the stop sign by the factory road. I think it was right before sunrise, as the sky was just barely beginning to fade from night into day. But I was moving too fast to stop when I caught up to the truck, so I actually pulled around it to the left, cutting into the opposite lane before swerving back in front of it and continuing down the factory road. As I turned the sky went back to what looked like 1AM or so, very dark but with clear stars in the sky, like on cold nights. There were all these squirrels running into the road, stopping to pick things up, then bolting back across, which I thought was weird because squirrels shouldn't be out that late. Regardless I had to keep slowing down so I wouldn't hit them. I continued down this road all the way down to the end, where it turns to the factory intersection. However, here the landscape was different than the waking-- right at that curve there were three huge streetlights, as bright as spotlights almost, and past them the road became smaller and more rural almost, like it ceased to be a business road. But most notably was the fact that surrounding these lights were all these equally thin and tall trees of sorts. They had really bright green leaves that seemed to glow with sunlight, but lower down on the tree (on the trunk instead of the limbs) were all these huge, gorgeous lilac flowers. They were about 17 inches around and almost as deep, with long, velvety pointed petals half as wide as my hand. The petals drooped slightly from their weight and were somewhat layered, making the flowers look almost like extravagant Christmas decorations than real flora. Anyway, as soon as I saw them, I gasped with joy and stopped the car, at which my passengers impatiently asked what I was doing. I think I just pointed in elation and said "the flowers!!" because I was so mentally preoccupied with the fact that they were "actually there." I ran over and cupped my hands around one at eye level, and since I wanted to see how it smelled but was also smitten with how soft it was, I basically just stuffed my face into it and grinned. It didn't have much of a scent (it actually smelled somewhat like morning air, if that makes sense?), but I was most surprised to see that in the center was what looked like either a crystal or a lightbulb? I had the strong impression that it was supposed to light up as brightly as the streetlights above us, and the fact that it wasn't worried me slightly. My passengers were getting crabby now though, so I reluctantly left the tree, but just then I realized "where we were" in terms of dream location geography. Excited again, I pointed in the direction of the intersection and said "We should stop at my University," (which in dreams is located in a totally different town than in the waking, but the city structure is INCREDIBLE and the campus is impossibly beautiful), saying something like "it's full of these plants and at night, when no one's around, it's really really nice" as an explanation as to why. My passengers looked at each other and shrugged, now looking calmer, and then nodded to me as if to say "okay, sure." At this point I noticed the scenery had changed-- the lilac flowers and big streetlights were still next to me, as was the car and the road leading in, but somehow we were now inside a building? It felt big, like a mansion, and was all warm colors and light, like wood and red velvet. Behind the streetlight cluster there was a table with a few chairs, and a little beyond that there was a large fireplace in the wall. To the left of that, right where the intersection would have been, there was a huge set of wooden double doors. Seeing these, I said "we'll just go through those side doors to the rest of the building," but then I saw that they had some sort of barricading bar through the handles, and a chair was propped up beneath them as well. I looked at this, puzzled, and wondered aloud "why the door was locked," as that was the direction we needed to go. Then I got an 'aha' sort of expression and continued, "oh yeah, I forgot they're renovating that part of the building, they've changed the whole layout," so apparently there was a detour door in the opposite direction we needed to find? I don't quite recall, but I must have sent my passengers off to find it on their own, because when I turned back to the streetlights, they had now been replaced by a long couch and the road was gone. I was feeling tired, so I lay down on the couch and closed my eyes, deciding to take a short rest.
I don't know how long I slept in-dream, or what that meant. All I know is that as I "came to" again, I was dimly aware that someone was standing by my shoulders and quietly giggling to themselves. I opened my eyes, confused, and the first thing I was aware of was that I was wearing an outfit similar to Sayaka's from PMMM, except it was in a masculine style, built like armor with huge silver shoulder guards. This last detail was important, because the next thing I noticed was the person who had been trying not to laugh-- it was my old classmate AMG. There were two girls standing behind her, too, that I didn't recognize. They appeared to only have been watching, but AMG was holding a tube of red puffy fabric paint, and had been using it to draw all over my shoulder guards. She had decorated them almost like clamshells, with thick squiggly lines outlining every detail on the armor. As soon as I looked at her she got an incredibly embarrassed look, and sputtered out "oh! you- you look wonderful!" Troubled, I asked "what did you do?" but got no reply; I think she and the other girls actually ran off. For some reason I was rather distraught about this paint on my shoulder guards; I felt like it would somehow keep the entire magical outfit from "functioning properly" and that was vital. My first thought was that if I 'morphed out' or 'phased back into my normal form' or the like, maybe when the armor came back the paint wouldn't be on it anymore. I didn't get a chance to do that, though, because this is where the dream suddenly got very awesome.
I got up from the couch, and immediately I found myself in my cousin's house, and it was dawn again (there was the faint glow of the rising sun coming through the windows). The couch was still there, but it was situated to the left of the main stairwell in the entranceway, close to where the old parakeet cages were. I walked up the stairs to the top landing, overlooking the living room. It was empty and dark, but I had this nagging suspicion that there were at least two people sleeping in their rooms down the hall, and that I could not let them see me there. In any case I strongly knew I "had to leave." Oddly, as I hurried back down the stairs I was also aware that I was "currently human" and was "not happy about it" for some reason. I decided not to dwell on it though, so I made a left at the bottom of the stairs, going into the dining room to cross into the kitchen. However the room was very dark, and the rug was covered in kittens? I uneasily tried to tiptoe around them, but they kept jumping up and biting me whenever I moved. It didn't hurt much, though-- it was more like if someone just clamped their teeth down on your finger without much pressure. However the cats had sharp teeth, and there were several of them hanging onto my limbs by those teeth at once, so that wasn't fun. I was getting rather agitated, as I needed to leave but I didn't want to shake the cats off and hurt them. So I hurried out through the kitchen and onto the back balcony, with all the cats running after me and still jumping up to bite me. The balcony (which was really more of a high porch) was surrounded with a white fence about 4 feet high for some reason, except for the side directly opposite the door I had just exited, where there were two metal railings instead. Beyond those I could see the yard, which was also fenced in. In the middle of the balcony there was a medium-size wooden table, about the size (and height) of a hot tub, and on top of that was a large bag of cat food. I quickly began to pour it out for them, which got the attention of most of them so they were no longer interested in biting me. However, I then noticed that there was another open bag on top of the tarp, full of a sandy white substance with blue and black flecks in it. The kittens were also swarming towards that and trying to eat it, but I realized it was some sort of laundry detergent so I hurriedly shooed them away and picked up the bag, closing it and moving it away so they wouldn't get at it again. This upset them though and they started biting me again, but I managed to eventually get all of them eating the cat food and therefore off of me. At this point though I was exasperated, and just wanted to go. So I moved to the edge of the balcony and climbed up on top of the railing. The house was on a slight hill, so from that position I could see all the surrounding houses, as well as several streets and hills sloping down around us. I think there was also a large swimming pool in the yard, because I could clearly see my (silhouetted) reflection in something as I looked down-- and it was notably not human. It was too sleek and streamlined. With a wide grin I realized that I was now a Mewtwo, so I posed like I was going to dive-- which got the attention of all the cats who now leapt towards me-- and then jumped.
I started soaring. It was utterly effortless-- no fluttering, no wings, just fast and free movement. I gained altitude quickly, and began flying over the town, getting higher up as I did. I could see the entire valley below me, all trees and houses and hills, and I smiled at how beautiful it was. Then I suddenly wondered at how perfect this all felt, and whether or not that had some bigger meaning? After all, Mewtwo was the first Pokémon I ever identified with (way back in 3rd grade or so!); maybe I was supposed to be one of those and not a Celebi, as I later was? Either way it felt completely right. I shrugged off the concerns and focused on my flying though, as I had gotten farther out and was now flying over what looked like large baseball or football stadiums, several of them scattered about. I barely had ten seconds to wonder what they were for when things got really cool. I turned to the right to look in the opposite direction, and suddenly, the sky turned into some sort of large pixelated screen, showing what appeared to be an error message of sorts, but it was too glitched to make out. This disturbed me-- not because the sky had literally just turned into a digital screen, but because I knew this message was a warning specifically for me, as I had either come close to breaking some big rule or was about to. Either way I immediately turned around with the intention of flying straight back to my cousin's house, but the instant I turned I was already there.
The building was still similar in basic structure to my cousin's house-- the stairs, main doors, and entranceway were untouched-- but instead of the lower room, there was a gateway, and instead of the landing to the bedroom at the top of the stairs, two large walkways stretched on past where the overlook would be, and another gateway was situated above the lower one. The entire place was also much more rustic-looking, all intricate carved wood and amber glass (rather similar to the building from the first part of the dream). Anyway, I was now surrounded by crowds of people and creatures of all kinds, moving like we were in some sort of station or hub, everyone holding an identical "punch card." They were the size of a postcard, colored a deep red-violet, and in the bottom right corner there was a single punched-through hole, about the size of a dime. Apparently these cards were tied to the "warning message" I had just received, as I did not have one with me when I entered. However, at that moment some guy in a suit (silver?) suddenly appeared to my left, sternly handed me one, and disappeared just as quickly back into the crowd. At that moment, I suddenly knew what the deal was with this place, and all the people in it, myself included. Apparently we were all in some sort of "dreaming hub," and these punch cards were tied to our waking selves: if we didn't get them punched with that single hole upon entering the Dreaming, we "weren't authorized to keep dreaming there" and we'd have to wake up?" Because if that wasn't punched and you kept dreaming, there was a risk of becoming "lost" from your body and unable to wake up? And this hub was where everyone passed through to get those cards "checked" (almost like ID) on their way back to their bodies in the waking. It was unusual, and somewhat unclear, but there was one thing I DID know for sure: the fact that I was an exception to the rule. I was standing still in this crowd and looking uneasily at the card I had been given. It was somewhat bent and creased, almost through the hole, and that fact bothered me greatly-- not only was I unsure whether or not such a disheveled card was safe to use, but I was also clearly aware that the card I held was not mine. It felt very strongly like it belonged to someone else, which was "supposed to be impossible," as EVERYONE else had their own personal punch card of course… but I was the Sandman's Apprentice, so I DIDN'T. Instead, I would get different punch cards every time I went through this hub, therefore getting a different body depending on what dream-realm I visited (which reminded me very strongly of this dream). But although that was normal, this specific circumstance felt very wrong for some reason, like my going into that body was the worst thing I could do just then. I was getting very nervous, and began saying things like "I don't want to go back into this body" and "you don't understand, I need to keep dreaming," and "I'm the Apprentice, I shouldn't have to worry about this." Surprisingly, the people around me were listening to my comments, and they seemed genuinely concerned, like they knew I was right but had no idea how to help. Again, I was aware that these people also knew that I was the Sandman's Apprentice, and if I was having punch card trouble then it was trouble indeed.
Regardless I knew I had to act. I hurried up the stairs (people were letting me through), but then hit a sort of queue before the second landing where I had no choice but to wait in line. I didn't mind for a moment, though: hanging above us, in the air above the stairwell, was a large, intricate oblong object that seemed to be carved entirely out of wood, amber, and gold. There was a phrase carved into it in gold (I forget what it said, but I think it had to do with the infinity of time and space or something; it was transcendental and deeply comforting), and on each pointed end of the object there was a beautifully carved metal ring, decorated with amber gems. It was about the size of a CD but about half an inch thick, and it made me think of the fancy golden decorations you see in a church. These rings contained three smaller metal rings, each slightly smaller than the other, which moved around the inside of the larger one and actually seemed to spin and curl into themselves in tight spirals as I watched. Then I realized these rings-within-rings were clocks, and when all three little rings managed to line up on top of each other, an hour had gone by. This happened as I watched, and as it did the entire sculpture "dinged" once, like a clear but large bell. I realized it had just turned 1AM. I guess this was an important time for those in the hub, as everyone around me suddenly began milling about in an entirely different manner. Some older man, further down on the walkway, motioned for the crowd's attention (he got it) and began to announce something. I can't quite recall what the exact issue was, but it had something to do with a large chandelier or similar object there in the hub, and the man said that "we needed to find the petition against it." I guess it had been lost, and this wasn't the first time they tried to get the chandelier removed? I didn't know why, let alone what chandelier they were talking about (I didn't see one), but everyone immediately started looking around for it, heading down one of the long walkways as I did so (they were a pale indigo tint, and seemed to be surrounded by fog, past the confines of the actual architecture? almost as if they were suspended high up in the air). I mentally did a "ctrl+F" for the word "chandelier," checking some sort of "source code" for the hub in my head for it, but there were no results. So I kept walking, looking around like everyone else, when I noticed two torn scraps of paper on the ground. Wondering if it was part of this petition, I picked one of them up. It looked blank at first, but when tilted to the light there were clear indentations of letters on it, with faint smudges of purple ink, as if the message on it had been erased and then hurriedly disposed of. The indentations were backwards (they were not visible when I reversed the paper) and half of the message was torn off, but I managed to make out the gist of what it said, and that shocked me. The message said something like "we'll take the messages that were written to (or by) Jewel," as if it were a plot against me. I noticed the letters looked oddly like my own younger handwriting, which was unsettling. Picking up the second paper then, it essentially looked and said the same thing. I had the feeling I was not intended to find these papers, but now I at least knew I was in trouble. An older man standing by me (a few people had gathered around me to see what I had found) asked if that was the petition. I said no, it seemed to be something about me. At this, the man and those around him exchanged very concerned glances, but I hardened my expression and said "you know what? I need to deal with this." I had a really bad feeling about this whole thing, looking at those two torn papers. Another person (I think an old woman) nearby asked me then what this whole situation was about, why was I in such trouble? I replied "all you guys have one body to go to when you dream, when you're not dreaming, et cetera," then added something like "but some people aren't lucky when something happens"? Either way, I then specifically said "I'm not the only person who has access to my body," and expressed that I was worried that one of the "others" in my body had written this note, and therefore I was in jeopardy on an inescapable level. THAT was essentially why I was freaking out over the punch card-- if someone was after me, and I got shuffled into a different body, how could I know that my pursuers weren't going to "take over" my current body, OR that they weren't already in control of the body I was currently assigned to go into? What if something even worse happened? I didn't say those things outright-- in fact, I didn't mention headspace at all for the rest of the dream-- but it was essentially the most important point (and one that even I missed until I woke up!)… my pursuers were not strangers, they were headvoices. And THAT was trouble.
Now this part is blurry up to a certain point. I know I then tried to go back downstairs (back across the walkway to the main area), but I was now very aware that there were two people after me, one man and one woman, although I couldn't be sure where they were exactly. I reached the landing by the higher gateway, and realized that past it, the landing went down in "tiers" like seats in a concert hall, overlooking a large high-ceilinged "lobby" at the bottom of which were two large glass "exit doors." Each tier was rimmed by a rounded metal railing, to keep people from stumbling over the edge (I was currently about 3 floors and several tiers up). As soon as I reached the landing, though, the man and woman who were chasing me burst onto the scene from the left, assumedly from the stairs, and cornered me against the railing. Disturbingly, they had an aura around them that made them seem VERY similar to Knife and Razor (in their old brutal days), although they clearly were not them. But they had similar builds and heights and everything-- and they were carrying the same weapons, which were pointed straight at me. I knew without a doubt that they specifically intended to kill me. For whatever reason, at that moment I noticed that hanging over the railing were two pairs of socks that my mother had actually bought me in the waking that morning. My reaction to them was not confusion, though-- it was unease. I had the bizarre impression that either "I couldn't let them know about the socks" (like that would be a "pointer" to my "default" waking body) OR that they were a reminder for me to "remember something" specific. That wasn't my biggest concern, though. I was still holding my punch card, and was now eyeing it with dogged resolve, thinking "if I don't get this punched, I don't care if I'm the Apprentice, they (the authorities I assume?) are going to send me back and I can't go back." I don't recall if that meant I had to get it punched twice, or if the one I was holding was blank (which would mean it had somehow switched from the one I held earlier). Anyway, I was fully aware that the two people after me knew this too, and were trying to keep me from getting it punched. I looked back over the railing and saw that there was a crowd gathering below, looking up at us with apprehension. Deciding to risk it, I then clambered up over the rail and jumped, down to the ground floor, frustrating my attackers and scaring the people below. I landed safely on my feet, but had no time to recover or answer questions, instead immediately running out through the exit doors. They opened into a closed-in area before a second set of doors (similar to those in the entrances to malls), except it was curved outwards and about 20x15 feet long? The lighting in there was dim and fluorescent, feeling rather sickly. There were also several people huddled on the floor against the far doors, looking at me fearfully. I had the odd impression that they were "homeless" (bodiless??) and were stuck living in that lobby or something. I then noticed that the doors behind them were not doors at all; on the contrary, they were two large gold-colored metal "panels," both severely rusted and damaged, in stark contrast to the clean organic inside of the hub. Behind the panels were two large metal tanks of similar appearance, although they were mostly "hidden" by the rest of the wall. The panel on the right had something on it like a huge twisted cross, but I couldn't tell if there was a body on it or not because of how stained and mangled the whole thing was. The panel on the left was blank, except for a small metal slot in the center, about the size of a checkbook. Either way this room was a dead end. I ran over to the panel on the right and "flipped it around" (I rotated the entire front panel somehow? this was very blurry), revealing something hidden behind it? I reached in and took the hidden thing out. It was a small metal contraption, approximately the size and shape of my handheld voice recorder, but it was made entirely of the same corroded metal as the panels. It was also completely featureless except for a button on the left side, and a deformed, hooked metal protrusion on the top right, about 3 inches long, like an antenna that had been melted somehow. When I squeezed the button on the left, the antenna spit out electric sparks, with a loud buzzing noise. I knew I had to use it "to cut metal," although I also had the strong impression that it could weld things together too. I also knew that the hook part of it had been deformed purposely, in an attempt to keep me from using it, but thankfully it still worked. Instinctually, I knew that I specifically needed to use this weapon to attack the woman who was after me somehow, as it was assumedly the only thing that could hurt her. I clearly felt that this contraption was "my only chance to stop them." I felt a bit more hopeful now, but the instant I turned around to go back into the hub building, the people who were chasing me were there, blocking the doors. There were three of them now, but I didn't have time to see who the third person was, as I immediately spun back around and went to the tank-panel on the left now, opening the slot on it. Inside it was the "paper I was looking for," I guess it was the rest of whatever I had found on the walkway earlier. I saw that the people around the floors were now looking behind me with fright, and I realized I was cornered again. I turned around defensively, holding up the spark contraption, and to my complete surprise, I was now face-to-face with my boss, Mr. Sandman.
From that moment, I was practically lucid in terms of dream clarity, partly because of existential terror. Boss was looking at me with something close to hatred, and holding an X-acto knife. I could feel that it wasn't "really him" energetically-- this was indeed Mr. Sandman, but those two people chasing me were controlling him, and they specifically wanted him to KILL me. Fear and uncertainty slammed into me, and for a moment I didn't think I had the heart to defend myself against him, but in my hesitation I moved just enough to alert him to the spark-box in my hand. Instantly he pulled back and then slashed forwards, cutting a thin line across my left cheek. The pain and injury stunned me, but Mr. Sandman didn't seem fazed by having just attacked his own Apprentice. For a second, I was terrified that maybe he had chosen to join up with my pursuers; maybe he hated me, maybe I had betrayed or completely disappointed him somehow, and I was now his enemy for real. The despair of that thought made me start to tear up, and I started to dissociate somewhat, but (thankfully?) that lapse of coherence gave me enough guts to suddenly lash out with the spark-box, using it to stun him on his right cheekbone. It left a linear burn about an inch long, and the sight of it was jarring enough to my brain ('did I seriously just hurt him?') that for a moment I froze, unable to think. As I did, I think he knocked the spark-box out of my hand, and that shocked me back into awareness. However, Boss was now trying to get some sort of information from me, but he wouldn't clarify what: he just kept demanding I "tell him" something I was clueless to give. With each demand he would slash my face again as a threat to get me talking, leaving one line under another, and I was trapped between him and the wall so I couldn't even move to escape. To be honest, though, I was starting to crumble emotionally to the point where I wasn't even thinking of escape. I just wanted to know why my boss was attacking me, and how I could make all of this stop. I choked out "Boss, what do you want?" but he didn't reply, he just delivered another cut to my face. That last action destroyed my defenses and I fell into outright sobbing as he continued, repeating things like "please, just tell me what you want," "Boss, what do you need from me?" "I'll tell you anything, please just don't hurt me anymore." Mr. Sandman kept slashing at me at first, disregarding my questioning (I don't think even he knew what to answer), but every successive attack was slower and they began to seem more and more forced against his will. His initially furious expression cracked almost instantly as well, and after about ten seconds he was visibly distraught, fighting back tears (and failing). I then knew for sure that he really didn't want to hurt me. However, the two people standing by the doors started to shout and yell at him angrily as he began to "slip," and Boss didn't seem to be able to gain much control over his actions at all, which was very disturbing-- he's a very powerful individual, and for those two people to be able to override his free will, they must be very powerful too.
Now I apologize, but I have almost no idea what happened next here. I think I managed to get the spark-box back off the floor, but all I know for sure is that, somehow, Boss and I were then able to turn on the two people controlling him, and we "won against them" in some way that didn't involve fighting or attacking. My clear memory picks up with Boss and I standing by the lobby doors, with the woman lying unconscious on the floor, completely covered in what looked like solid gold (I had the impression that the gold was actually an incredibly dense shell of dream dust, and Boss had somehow completely incapacitated her with it). Her arms were held up against her chest in a cringing position, and her eyes were shut very tight. She was grimacing dramatically, showing all of her teeth, which were all of a much darker gold than the rest of her. She also seemed "frozen," like a statue, as Boss was carrying her form by the arm but her body wasn't even moving from gravity or motion. Anyway, we opened the doors to enter the lobby, and ended up right back on the tier I had jumped from, next to the gateway back to the main hub. Boss was talking to someone there as I listened, I think it was one of the authorities for that building as he was wearing a silver suit. But Boss was telling that man (who seemed markedly inhuman; I think draconic) that this woman had been the one who wrote the messages I found, and she had been orchestrating all sorts of malicious plans against me. (I don't know about the man; he effectively "disappeared" after the woman was knocked out.) Boss then smiled as if he had remembered something and turned to me, saying not to worry about the punch card situation, as he "had it covered." We then walked through the gateway, Boss still dragging the frozen figure, and I was surprised to find we were back in my cousin's house, except now it felt like early nighttime (there was faint starlight coming through the windows). I was a bit hesitant, fearing I'd "wake someone up," but Boss confidently walked across the landing to the overlook, and past it to where there was a hall like the one in my house, with two bedroom doors on the right. He stopped at the first one (the door was open) and I looked in. It resembled my grandfather's room, but oddly, Mr. and Mrs. Claus (as in Santa) were lying in the bed, watching television. There was also a very tiny old woman standing by the bed, about the size of a child, with grey hair in a bun and coke-bottle spectacles. I got the odd impression that she was the Tooth Fairy? I didn't really see how Mrs. Claus looked, but Santa was actually in his Rise of the Guardians incarnation, as North. Boss warmly waved to all of them from the door, smiling, and essentially said that "we were sorry for taking up their time and making such a mess." I bowed my head to agree, rather self-consciously, as I felt I was responsible for this whole disaster. The old Tooth Fairy smiled widely and made a hand motion like she was 'waving it off,' saying "oh, don't worry, everything's fine." North then chimed in, adding "she's right, don't worry about it; we understand you guys have important business to do." Boss smiled back in gratitude, nodding, then turned to me, saying "we need to get this person taken care of before you have to leave," indicating the gold-frozen figure we were still carrying. He then smiled again and said "let's take her to Toothiana," the Tooth Fairy from Rise of the Guardians. Almost immediately Boss "warped" us to her place: we were now standing on one of the flat rock faces, with all the big cages hanging in the air to our left. The entire room seemed to shine gold as well. Almost immediately Toothiana fluttered over from around a wall to the right, I guess she had heard us arrive. When she saw who we were, she clapped her hands and grinned ecstatically, flying over to Mr. Sandman and giving him an enthusiastic welcoming hug. For whatever reason, seeing that they already were on good terms made me feel like I had to be "formal" and refer to Toothiana by her "real name," so I began "looking up translations" for her name in my head. Apparently her name was largely "untranslatable," but in some Eastern languages, it ended up being some variation of "Angela." However I knew this was also not her complete name, so I was debating whether it would even be respectful to call her "Angela" or "Angie" or "Angelique" or the like-- but as I was still deciding, she fluttered over to me. I faltered for a second, unsure of what to say, and I guess she knew it; she smiled in a way that seemed to say "you don't need to try so hard, it's okay," and then swept me into an equally warm hug. As soon as she let me go, Boss began to explain to her why we were there: the gold-frozen woman we had brought with us apparently had something in her teeth that was causing her maliciousness? It was like there was malevolent energy locked in them, so we brought her here for Toothiana to take the teeth out and assumedly lock them away safely or otherwise deal with them. She said she'd take care of it and called over a small cloud of her hummingbird assistants to help, as Boss thanked her. I was badly slipping at this point; everything was getting blurry and I was starting to dissociate, to the point where I wasn't sure if I'd be able to fall asleep, or hold my dream-self stable. Sure enough, right here there was a sudden warp in the dreamscape.
I was now in third person view, seeing a room full of little girls (like 5-7 years) and a few older teenage girls, looking at this bunch of pink clothing in a large box in the middle of the room. The older girls were acting like chaperones, handing out outfits and making sure no one got out of hand. It seemed to me as if they were part of a dance class or something. Anyway, the little girls started to put on the outfits, which were all very frilly and lacy, but were thin and silky to the point where they looked more like nightwear than anything. However, I then noticed that directly "in front" of my viewpoint there was one little girl who had not moved to join the others, and had actually been standing off to the side the entire time. I was aware that I was "tied" to her as my viewpoint anchor here, meaning that my perspective would follow her as if I was watching over her shoulder, because she was allegedly "who I was supposed to be" at that age. I guess her body would have been "mine" if I was in her place, so to speak. This would have been fine if I didn't suddenly realize that this little girl was JULIE. Sure enough, she had her thin blonde hair pulled into two small pigtails, and although I couldn't 'see' her face from that angle, I could feel this unsettling aura about her, like smugness but more spiteful. As soon as I noticed who she was, she purposefully walked up to the box at the center of the room, and began rifling through it. The other girls had all stopped chattering and were watching her cautiously, and then the little Julie suddenly held up the outfit she had picked out, a sly grin on her face. She immediately began changing into it, but the chaperone teens had jumped up at this and started telling her "you can't wear that," but uneasily so, like they couldn't believe what she was doing. Julie snapped back "but I want to wear it," asking why she wasn't allowed to. One of the teens awkwardly started saying things like "well, the colors really aren't right… and it might not fit you…" then trailed off. I could tell she wanted to say "that's highly inappropriate," but didn't want to explain why, especially since all the other little girls were staring confusedly at Julie like "why would you want to wear that?" To clarify: all the other girls were wearing rather fun-looking clothes, that were baggy or princessy or the like. Julie was trying on what looked like something a Playboy model would wear, but disturbingly, it was in a child's size. Her stomach was completely exposed, the top was mostly sheer, and the bottoms were closer to garters than pants. The entire getup was light pink and lacy, and skintight to boot. She had it fully on and was starting to pose in a pinup-style manner, which caused the chaperone girls to outright jump up and try to get her to change out of it, and I was getting really disturbed too. I suppose that was enough to get me out of there, because my vision got incredibly blurry very fast, and within moments, the shapeless haze reformed into the scenery of Toothiana's palace, where I had "zoned out" barely a minute ago.
Mr. Sandman was standing a few feet away from me, looking rather concerned at my disorientation. I gave myself a few seconds to get a grip, then dizzily explained "Sandman, I think I'm slipping… I think I'm waking up." I really didn't like that feeling. Boss smiled gently, and said something like "if you need to wake up, then wake up. Don't worry, I'll take care of everything from now on. As long as you're all right." I smiled back, but it was a pained smile. I didn't want to leave my boss so suddenly after all that had just happened. I felt awful, and I wanted to at least apologize, and make sure he was all right too. I guess he sensed this, as he then called me over to him. When I reached him, he immediately put his hands on my shoulders and gave me this incredibly sad look. He said that he was deeply sorry for having attacked me earlier, to which I replied that I was sorry for attacking him too. (There was a red scar on his cheek where I had burnt him, and just looking at it was painful.) We didn't say anything for a few seconds after that, but his eyes were already full of tears and I guess seeing that just broke my heart. I felt like I was about to start crying too just from the pain of it, when he reached out and pulled me into a sad but sincere kiss. I didn't even question it-- we had both just escaped death, it seemed, and that was the only way to properly express the jumble of emotions we had about having both survived. I do remember that at the last second I held one hand up against his face, in a way like a reassurance, or a thank-you. After that, Mr. Sandman apologized once more, for what I don't know, then added that if I wanted to wake up now, I could. I paused for a moment, reviewing everything that had just happened in my head, but the slow intrusion of reality into my senses was confusing me badly, and frankly it was scaring me a little. I knew I only had a few seconds left, so I decided to be honest. I quickly asked my boss "is all of this real?" or "does this place really exist?" because the entire experience of the dream hub and the punch cards and all that, despite being awesome, was so utterly unlike what I was used to that I wasn't sure whether or not it was genuine. But my fears were erased in an instant, because no sooner had I posed the question than Mr. Sandman gave me one of the broadest smiles I've ever seen, and simply said… "what do you think?"
And that's when I woke up.



Seriously though THAT WAS INCREDIBLE.
I do want to reiterate that whoever those pursuers were, they were NOT Knife and Razor. However, they might have been "personifications" of their old energy, the hateful and manic rage that they were born from and are now trying to leave behind. It's not unheard of for Julie and/or the Tar to use such leftover energy, so it's a warning sign too-- especially since this month has been swarming with dream hacks, to say the least.
Also, I never figured out just what sort of information they were trying to get from me, by manipulating my boss, but I'll tell you what… I cannot remember the last time I was that scared in a dream. Seriously, who decides to mind-control a Sandman?! That's insane! Who are these people, that they can DO that sort of thing, and that they would use that immense power JUST to try and kill me in the second most emotionally horrific way possible? I'm honestly still very shaken from it, as is my boss, but we're at least on guard now so that's better than nothing.
…That's just the half of it though. Lately, Boss has been slipping when he visits me in the waking, too. And prior to the past month, before the reset, NO ONE could touch him. He was impervious. So now, all of a sudden, to see that he's the target of the same people that are trying to kill me… and they're actually getting to him... it's rather frightening. I feel very helpless, especially in the aftermath of what this year has shaped up to be so far.
I can only thank God that Laurie isn't dead, because she is still utterly invincible as far as this is concerned, and if I let her know how bad this is getting I'm sure she'll find out who is responsible and kick their ass quickly enough, haha.

I love Mr. Sandman's response to my departing question though. Reflecting on it now, the truth of it is totally clear-- Sandmen visit so many dream worlds that it's impossible (and rather ridiculous) to say that "this is real but this is not," or anything along those lines. There are infinite possibilities, and any of them can be visited, if you know how to get there.
Also, I just want to amusedly note that the punch cards were approximately the same color and size as the LGBT-center card I'm using as a bookmark in my Animorphs book right now. So of course I punched a hole in it when I woke up.

 

 

 

Well! Today has been oddly eventful.

I got up at 8, feeling rather tired and out of it, but I had class so I hopped onto my computer to print directions to a library in town that I needed to visit on the way home. However, first I checked my school email, and lo and behold, class was cancelled for the day!
So around 9:30, I decided not to visit the library, and opened a Xanga session instead.
Dead serious, this took seven hours from channel start to publication and it was entirely worth it. Also, yes, we did start a new account! Figure it was about time we shook off all those old 2008 entries for good.

However. Between now and then-- barely three hours later-- a lot has happened! That's why I like Xanga sessions; they jumpstart my headspace connections and allow events to occur more quickly afterwards. The only problem is that they make downstairs life difficult, so I unfortunately did have a bit of a slipup when I realized "hey, I haven't eaten yet today." So now I'm sick, haha. Oh well. Even that helped me realize something, though: Black energy apparently tastes like straight-up sugar (according to Infi), so the fact that my old hacks always coincided with sugary food makes a HELL of a lot more sense now. It also explains why I get so darn sick from it, if that effect can bleed over downstairs. I'll see.
Infi and I also discovered that Black/White energy have a weird magnetic attraction to each other, which is weird because when they get too close, they start to repel each other like magnets flipped the other way? So they actually cannot blend together to form the theoretical "Gray" energy. We tried to do this, but to my complete surprise, this dual magnetism caused a very interesting effect: since they are simultaneously attracted to and repelled by each other, getting raw Black and White energy close enough causes them to start swirling around each other indefinitely, forming an almost taijitu-like pattern. It's seriously awesome.

Infinitii (who has now learned how to have both eyes and a mouth at the same time, good for him) is also moving very quickly into his energy slot now; that session apparently gave him enough anchorage to start reflecting the same energy I do, which is naturally what we're supposed to do, being complements. He's becoming very synced with the "darker side" of me: NOT the "bad side," but the creepy fangs-and-claws side, so to speak. However he insists that we stay our own persons even though we NEED to reflect parts of each other back and forth. Apparently our working together now is very important, so I'm totally cool with this. I've gotta be more of a sunshine-and-rainbows dude, and he has to be more of a shadows-and-starlight dude. Both of us are ridiculously comfortable around each other already. It's great.
We were experimenting with what we could do energetically later, too, and we discovered some really cool stuff: Infinitii's can "bring out the potential" of ANY energy, making it possibly for it to effectively become anything it possibly can. However, he cannot force any changes. I, on the other hand, can freely shape headspace energy as I wish, but I can only work with what I'm given. We took the taijitu energy swirl from earlier to demonstrate this: Infinitii was able to make both sides of energy gain infinite depth somehow?? It was crazy, you could see stars and space through the black side, and a bizarre sparkly similar appearance on the white side. We pondered this for a moment, then simultaneously we both gasped and exclaimed "time-space!!" So THAT'S a weird parallel.
Black energy is passive, chaotic, and works creative powers through people. White energy is active, structured, and works creative powers through objects. Also, although Black energy causes lapses in time, it allows for growth in space, and although White energy causes lapses in space, it allows for growth in time?? If that makes sense? At least that's what we're guessing at. This is all very fascinating stuff.
But it is reflected in our abilities. Being primarily made of Black energy, both Infinitii and Tar have highly mutable bodies. However, since it's Black, they can't control it very well. This is why their forms warp and flow so much, it's constantly moving energy. My energy is primarily White, though, which is why it stays stably locked-in to one specific form unless I consciously change it, to something equally stable. Also! I've demonstrated the odd ability to "manipulate time" to a certain extent upstairs: my retroactive influences aside, I can temporarily "pause" temporal progression in headspace if stuff gets too crazy, and I need to get a grip. I'm wondering if Infinitii has some sort of ability concerning space in the same way, even if it's on a deeper level?
The two energies NEED to work together though. This we know. I don't know what the extent of this is, but it interests me greatly. I'm content to just watch as new things are revealed though. It's more of an adventure that way, and Infi insists I enjoy the more spontaneous side of things that he brings into the picture.
Speaking of, we think we have another idea as to what the Red slot is supposed to be? Since Black and White both hold accents of Red energy, and B&W are two halves of the same energy, so to speak... but we're upstairs, and the Red slot seems to be strangely anchored downstairs, is it possible that this is a three-person situation, and the real Red slot holder is supposed to be whoever the hell is driving the body?? I mean, when you consider that over the years, NO ONE has identified with the body, and yet it seems to have some sort of rudimentary autopilot going on... plus the Tar's argument for years was "this isn't your body, it's mine!!", and the Tar's main messenger is RAZOR, a legit headvoice who currently holds a sub-RED slot that shouldn't even exist... that's a lot of italics... but you see my point. We're wondering if Razor's either a corruption of, or a fallen headvoice that really WAS supposed to be in the Red slot. Seeing how she's always resonated with Blood as an element, and Blood holds a big role in the system whether we like it or not, it's possible. And, if we can get the Red holder to with with us, who knows what awesome stuff could happen! I hope we can do it, whatever needs to be done.
One last bit that I almost forgot-- Infinitii also has complete and total access to my old memories. He says that it's part of the Black energy, actually, that infinite potential. All the lost and old data falls into it.  However, he told me that unless I put something in there, he will not be able to access it. I gain the knowledge, but then he is able to freely access it. It strikes me as odd that Laurie can also do that, but then again she was right next to Black in the old Spectrum ring. Julie also had access to my thoughts and mind when she was being possessed. I wonder why that's a thing that happens? Is it just the headspace equivalent of "tapping into the grid," where Black's potential simply gives it the freedom to reach ALL that potential once it is put there by White? It's pretty cool, whatever it is.

Most importantly, though, we randomly realized that my ancient title/name of "Jewel Lightraye" DOES fit!! After all, when you send a ray of light through a faceted crystal, what do you usually get? A rainbow! So my name IS already prismatic, go figure, that's kind of hilarious. No complaints here! Now I'm just wondering if my middle name has any relevance besides being awesome, haha. I'm the only dude up here with one, besides my daughter, so who even knows. It's not something I'm going to worry about though, even if it were important; there are far too many other things on my mind at the moment.

Did I tell you guys that, back in February, I finally got the beginning of Andrea's "lost love theme" from Event Horizon down? Dang it sounds awesome, I love it. I'm just having a lot of trouble finishing it, because halfway through writing the second verse originally, I realized that I was channeling the words to a DUET that she and James sing later, and now I have to write yet another song! I'm excited though, haha. It's so beautiful.
Ironically, the lyrics to both her and James' sides of the song fit the timeline-scratching events up here pretty well... you know how James' love theme starts with "Once upon a time, there were two of us. Now, where did you go? I'm still here watching, but the skies won't tell me if you still love me." and later on he sings "Tell me, do you even hear me? Tell me, do you even love me anymore?" Well, Andrea's is kind of a reverse situation, so HER love theme starts off with "'Happily ever after,' those are just words to me. Sorry I don't remember; what did we use to be? Who are you? Who am I? What did you mean to me, and why do I care?" So that's obviously relevant.
I don't get time to play the piano often anymore (my bro has moved his computer to right in front of it now, so I can only play when he's at school and I'm not busy), but besides that, I DID finally get the beginning of the Vagabond's theme down too! You know, he's the blue dude that Mr. Sandman knows-- the one with the Middle Eastern style robes and the romantic preoccupation with sadness. His theme has lyrics as a result of that latter detail, but they're blurry yet. Right now I have two tentative beginnings written written down. First: "The moon casts no light on the world tonight, and I am alone. But I do know that one day I'll find my home. Till then, I will dream of the days I left behind." and second: "The rain never falls in this desert land, and tears from my eyes soothe the world." Either way it has a gorgeous melody, and I can't wait to finish it.
I'm still not finished with the last two LG*Girl fusion themes for season one! I can't figure out the bridges yet. Ah well, I'll have to put some time aside and just power on through. I want that album to finally be complete, seriously.
Lastly! I forgot to mention, I changed the chord progression in "Andrea" when James says "tell me, do you ever think of what we could have had?" I randomly switched it up during practice last month, and it added so much more emotion to the line, it's now a permanent switch. It's just like when I changed the entire sound of the "do you care for me" section, almost immediately after my first recording of the song. Music evolves, man, you just have to roll with it!


It's getting late, though, and I did promise Laurie I'd do some reviewing of our entries from late last year, before the "scratch", because they're actually still relevant. I wonder if time and space are piecing back together here and there, in the places they need to, now that the Spectrum is starting to work more clearly? I hope so.

...Oh. No, wait. I can't close this entry yet.

I haven't talked about Chaos in a long time.
True, I last mentioned him 8 days ago, but 8 days is easily an eternity in my world. Plus, I haven't actually devoted part of an entry to him since the 24th. Ironically, the subject matter from that evening has stuck, badly, and as a result I have spent very little time with Chaos since then. As of last night, I was made very aware that this was a very big problem. I'll tell you what happened.
It was quite late when I went to sleep, as is common lately. However, I planned to literally just go to sleep without talking to anyone. Before I could even lie down, though, someone grabbed me by the shoulder. I turned, only to look into pained green eyes.
I didn't feel anything.
I haven't felt anything in a long time. Maybe something shut my heart off, either from shame, or from fear. But I didn't feel anything, not even then, as he viewed me with deep distress, and told me that he couldn't deal with this anymore. I smiled emptily, and asked him if he was breaking up with me.
He laughed, bitterly, disbelievingly, then exclaimed "no!" in response. No anger-- just ache. But then he surprised me. He reminded me of that stupid dream from when I was 16. He said it was still true; we weren't "breaking up," because to do so we'd have to get a divorce at this point, and he sure as hell wasn't going to do that.
I forget how the conversation continued, at least word for word. I remember how heartbroken he was. He told me how painful it was, again, for me to constantly doubt his existence. He said he couldn't take that any longer, not when he'd been suffering through that for nearly ten years without any change in my perspective. I still couldn't come to terms with the fact that he was really there, that he really loved me. And of course, my recurring periods of emotional deadness weren't helping at all. He said things needed to change, now, and for good.
Then he brought up the scratch.
He was in tears, when he told me that he knew I had intended to fully erase him from my life with it. He KNEW I had wanted to forget he even existed. That had nearly destroyed him, to find out. "Here's the one person I love with my entire heart," he said, "and he wishes he had never even met me." Ten years of mutual compassion and suddenly I was walking out the door without a second thought. He couldn't live with that anymore.
I forget what I said. I don't know if I said anything. But I tried, hard, to remember. I tried hard to feel something, anything. I let him do whatever he wanted. I think we accomplished something, I don't quite remember. I know Infinitii was talking to me from within his bubble, telling me not to be so blind, assuring me that this was okay, I was allowed to love him.
But I couldn't remember how.

What's wrong with me? In all seriousness, what is wrong with me, when it comes to personal relationships?
If they're not business, I try to annihilate them. It's why I still love Laurie, even when Chaos becomes just a face in the crowd, as awful as that is. It's because our relationship is based on business. Yes, I've been just as close to her now. Yeah, we've had some shockingly romantic moments complete with kisses and her fists in my hair. But at the end of the day, she's the boss, and I'm the kid she orders around.
It's the same thing with my literal boss, Mister Sandman. Our relationship is PURE business, but we both care about each other way too much for any iota of cubicle-grade coldness to ever creep in. We're friends, and business partners, and we love each other dearly, but that's as far as it goes. I'm closer to Laurie than I will EVER be to my boss, but even then, we're not lovers, nor will we ever be. Ironically, I love her too much to ever do that.
That's where Chaos and Genesis suffer. They won't settle for business, for rules and regulations. They want closeness, and emotion, and intimacy, and romance. Genesis can be the life of the party, clowning it up with the best of them, but at the end of the day, sometimes he just wants to love someone. Chaos is worse, because he picks and chooses, and he always picks me.
I'm... I don't know why, some days, I can't do that. I don't understand why one night, I can be a dream come true, able to feel and love and laugh, and the next morning, I'm all "who are you again?" with a marble-etched face and and ice-cold touch. But even on those days, I can at least talk to Laurie and my boss, if they come around. As long as they keep it business, we're cool.
And maybe they can crack through my armor eventually, with tiny little stabs of hidden love. As long as that glass wall remains intact, it might work.
It's tiring, though, always staring out at the world from inside a bubble of my own.
Infinitii and I are becoming very close, very fast. He reminded me of the random Bible reference Laurie made earlier, joking that he was like a rib taken from my bruised side and formed into a strange new life, and he admitted that he loved the idea, just like that. He looked at me for a second then, I didn't know what to think. It's frightening me a little. I don't want this very problem to drive us apart. That would be catastrophic... and maybe it's exactly what the Tar wants.
Perhaps that's the answer to this riddle. Perhaps that's the cruelest joke of all.
The Tar used softness, and closeness, and romance, and love, to eviscerate and humiliate me. It used delicate words and hands to tear me limb from limb. It used bright blue eyes to blind and burn me. It instilled in me a deep and unflinching resistance to all those things-- a fear, a loathing, a rage, a hatred of all things painted with that garish pink color.
I still can't apologize enough, even when I can't seem to stop throwing punches either.
On the same note, I wish my memory wasn't so bad. I literally forget things from day to day, and when those things are very important to the people around me, it doesn't end well. I'm not sure how to fix this though. Sure, part of it is obviously PTSD memory purges, but the other part may likely be a consequence of my twisted relationship with time. Time is strange; I've never really moved through it in a straight and even line, I don't think. Now, my past is in tatters, just like a cascading curtain, tossed in the flames. I can reach through a little, but I don't think I can go back. Can I? Should I? The problem is, I wouldn't want to, even if it were possible.
And yet, green eyes cry in silence every night, remembering what was lost, knowing that they could have been listed among the graves as well, just another inkstain on the paper of time.
I keep burning the papers.
Boss keeps picking them out of the fire.
I stare at the ashes, watching them turn cold and black, and suddenly I remember that I shouldn't be like this.
It's the only time the green gets through.

I'm tired of being red.
I'm tired of fire and anger and blood. I am so tired.
Boss, I know you said the last significant date was my downstairs birthday. You said to wait until that day had passed, and then see where we were. You told me to wait until Easter before trying to move into White, so I did. Will that old date become a new anniversary of life for me, now? Will that be the day I finally shed these old bloodstained robes and put on new ones, shining like crystals? I'd like to, that's for sure.
I'll wear my red with pride when you give it to me, boss, but no longer will I wear it of my own volition. Not in this spectrum.
I reset that save file, or at least I tried to. I'm not in control of time anymore. I'm not swinging a sword at the console anymore.
I don't know who I am right now. Not entirely. I guess something is better than nothing, though, this time.

Beg pardon, someone's tapping on this glass bubble. What does he want?
"Let me type," he says. Here? Now? Yes.
All right, sure, let's see what you have to say.


your life is strange.
it is not bad.
your troubles rise and fall like waves under the moon.
your graces will carry you through the worst of times.
you are not lost, friend.
you may not understand, but i can see what you have forgotten.
this will end well.
this will end in the brightest way possible.
and then it will begin again.



...Huh. Thanks, Infi. Pretty cool that he doesn't capitalize, either. I wonder if he can go poet mode.

Oh, that reminds me. I was trying to talk about Chaos earlier.
He legitimately went into "poet mode" last night, when he was with me. He's never done that before, not so sincerely. It was beautiful. I'm so sorry that I can't remember what he said, because I have never heard him handle spoken language so well... the energetic imprint of them has stuck, though. I remember no words, just the feeling they left behind. Somehow that is enough.

I think I'm at that point in the evening where my mind is just too fried to think correctly. This is actually good, because if I play my cards right, I can use this "stuck" feeling to my advantage, and break it off completely, all at once.
There are only two times of day that I ever feel like myself: after a long discussion upstairs, and late at night. In the first, I can tune into my native energy long enough to bring some of it downstairs for a while. In the second, the barrier between here and there is virtually nonexistent.
I'd love to wake up in the morning still in that state of mind. I'm so tired of falling asleep amidst gold-dust honesty and love, only to awaken in ashes and regret. It's completely incongruous, and I don't understand it.
I've hurt a lot of people in the past that way, from what I've been told. I don't want to repeat that, not now that I've tried to sacrifice so much, solely for the hope of a brighter future.

I'm going to go talk to my boss. He helps more than anyone, on nights like this, even if he doesn't say anything. There's a quiet understanding about him that speaks volumes even in the dead of winter, as I try and fail to translate my deepest aches into the paltry vocabulary of human language. He just listens, and understands. He's seen enough to understand everything.

Maybe one day I'll understand all of this, too. But it's not time. Not yet. Not now.
Infinitii told me today that I need to "treasure the mystery of life" more. I've become too used to trying to control things, to protect myself, to find comfort and truth in structure, in order. I've... well, that's kind of the big problem here, isn't it? I've forgotten how to love the chaos of life.

But the song playing in my ears is the same one he sang to me last October, beneath pure blue skies in spite of pain and regret, a week after he broke every damn rule of time and space just to tell me that he loved me.
I owe him one. I owe him one, big time, and I miss the hell out of him, even if I can only discern that truth from the feeble morse-code beats of my heart.

To him, rainbows are a source of hope.
When he looks at me, that's all he sees.
Ten years later, in the face of utter despair, it's still all he sees.

Maybe that's all I need to hold on to.



...And then, suddenly, the moment I look for him, there he is.

You are the mountain to my sky,
the horizon to my sunrise,
the rainbow to my storm.
My love, my darling, my anchor to the world...
Be always well.

Every time. Every single time, you are always there, how could I ever...

I love you too. I love you so much, I never stopped, I swear to you. I am so sorry.

Thank you for not giving up on me.
...Hell, that goes for everyone, who am I kidding.

Let's try this again, shall we?






I'm in love with the world today
And I want to give myself for all of you
I want to be the one you can count on
Even in our darkest day

We are seeing, feeling, mystical things

And we are beautiful
And we are worth it all
And we are living, breathing

I want to tell you all, you mean everything to me
And we are always one even when we disagree
There is something magical here
Even when we don't believe

We are loving, bleeding, conscious things

And we are beautiful
Aand we can change the world
And we are living, breathing

We are loving
bleeding
conscious
things.

 

 

 

SESSION PARTICIPANTS

JEWEL LIGHTRAYE INFINITII ETERNOS LAURIE UBERICH MR. SANDMAN



Good morning, sunshine.

Hello.

Oh. Hi. Didn't expect you in a Xanga session this early, let alone at all.

Why not.

Didn't think you were accessible.

If you are accessible, I am too. Are you looking for Laurie?

Obviously.

Hm. Does she know we are having a session?

Probably not. I didn't plan on using this one anytime soon, but hey-- surprise day off from school, past few days have been nuts, I figured why not.

*nods* So are we discussing that?

Jeepers Infi, how are you syncing into this so quickly already?

I'm adaptable. It's in my nature.

Well that's good.

Whoa whoa whoa, hold up just a bleeding second. We're talking with Infi??

You're calling him Infi?

It's a nickname.

Still!

Infi, Infinitii, whatever. My point is, how the heck is he already session-ready?

He says he's adaptable.

It's true.

Huh. Oh well, no use complaining about the details, you could help us out. So, kid. What's the topic? Why the heck are we in here at 9AM of all things?

Uh, a couple reasons I suppose? Mostly though, because I keep getting very painful and intrusive hacks into my consciousness and-- holy sharks, Infi I just realized you saved my sanity three times in a row lately, thank you.

You're welcome. I was wondering when you'd catch on.

Wait, what do you mean?

I took away all rights to my energy manipulation upstairs from everyone besides the Tar; in other words, the Black slot. And yesterday alone there were two very big incidents of such, BUT Infinitii was directly involved in both, so, technically he just saved my neck. Thanks bro.

It was needed. Tar was trying to harm you all day. If we didn't work together to cleanse it, you would have fallen even further this morning.

Are you insinuating that he's already fallen since he woke up?

Somewhat. Like he said, the Tar is ruthless.

You seem oddly nonchalant about it.

It's a simple observation.

Guys, can you give me a moment? We haven't spoken in a very long time and I'm having trouble getting clear channels running. I hope neither of you are being mistranslated.

Wait, just a second. That's what I want to discuss, for once. Why the heck haven't you been around?

Same reason I scratched this in February. Please, Laurie, just two minutes, I need to fix my head.

Fine. But as soon as you get back we are discussing that point.

Wait.

What?

You did not give your reason yet. What was it?

Oh. Uh... Laurie kind of hit the nail on the head, unintentionally.

Unintentionally? Kid, I mean every single thing I do and say.

Good point. But yeah, I am worried about how dark I'm becoming lately. I've been a mess since my surgery, which is very disturbing because I was doing okay after the "start from scratch" attempt?

Are you kidding me? You've been fluctuating wildly between light and dark since the bloody thing!

Do you think maybe that's because I wasn't supposed to survive the bloody thing?

Don't get sassy with me, boy. You heard your boss. There are bigger forces at work here.

Why should the "bigger forces" be concerned with me--

Remember what your daughter said.

...

What did she say?

...Holy smoke, I was about to tell you and then I realized you have the same ears as her, just a lot bigger. Was that intentional?

Ah. No, it was more of reverse relevance.

Meaning?

Meaning she probably got them from me.

How the heck would that even happen?

I was torn out of Jewel, remember.

Stop calling me that.

Before that event, I was still part of him, of course--

Wait. Sorry to interrupt, bro, but the kid just said something really bloody stupid.

It's not stupid, Laurie, it's true. The name doesn't fit.

Because of the people that used to call you by it?

...Mostly. The sound has become tainted. It's energy no longer matches mine.

Here's a question. What does that name's energy feel like then, now?

What was our topic, even? Were we discussing anything?

We're talking about whatever the heck comes up, that's how we do these sessions, we don't worry about any fixed structure. It always works out somehow.

You can't do that. Things need to be organized and coherent. We need order and structure. It's the only good thing.

That and "cold," huh? Is that why you're acting like this? You're freaking out over black and white "good and evil" nonsense again, even now??

I can't hold fire anymore. Fire destroys coherence. Fires of hell and all that. I can't hold it, I can't keep the Red slot, it's too angry, it's the color of blood. I can't keep my old name. It feels wrong. It was never a name anyway.

Yeah, it was a title, given to you by the Dream World, I know. You knew at least two other Jewels up there, too, didn't you?

Yeah, lovely women.

Is that why it doesn't fit anymore?

Not quite. The gender part only ties in to my old "persona," the one from 2001-2004 or so.

The Klonoa-ears one.

Precisely.

If I'm not mistaken, you just dismantled that one.

Yeah, I did. It never felt like me anyway, it was always third-person, even in headspace-- why am I talking about identities like this is a thing? Why can't I ever annihilate myself? Why do all my efforts fail?

Because nothing short of straight-up suicide is actually going to end you, kid, and I'm not about to let that happen.

...

You're not protesting that statement?

No... because you brought that scar back.

Oh. ...Oh, okay.

...

All right, go take that mental break now if you want to. These channels really are getting pretty frayed.

Thank you.

So are we good now, or what?

...He loves me far too much.

Who?

My boss.

Oh. Yeah, no kidding, the man's a saint.

I don't deserve that, with what I've done, to myself and other people.

Like what?

...Julie needs to get out of that color slot.

She can't. She belongs there. We've discussed this.

Then we need to fix her, somehow.

Kid, what the heck is going on up there? You okay? Big picture, I mean.

Big picture, yes. Always. That's what boss reminds me of.

As you were saying...

Yeah, I get it. But he won't let me die. Wouldn't, either. Kept picking papers out of the flames. Sometimes I really wonder why he picked me, of all people, to be his Apprentice. I don't feel worthy of the title at all, especially not when it's tied to someone like him. But, last night, I asked him if I was a disappointment, and he laughed. He smiled, and he laughed, and he said I was "exactly the opposite." I don't know how to feel about that.

Why not?

Because I've disappointed myself.

Let's visit that point for a moment. What impossible standards do you have going for yourself, kid?

Meaning?

Meaning, why are you disappointed in yourself?

He expects to be pure white. If he is not, he feels unworthy of it. He tried to give it to me yesterday.

The heck? Jewel, that's your color, not Infi's!

He's got it brighter in him than I ever did and probably ever will.

That's not true.

He's you, for heaven's sakes!

He's what I could have been.

How would that even work?

No, think about it. Look at me, destroying my own heart, splintering my entire self. I almost ended up the last man on earth, because I was willing to effectively decapitate my own soul in order to cut myself off from who I had become, and from everyone I had ruined. Whatever "light" you clam to see in me now, as far as I'm concerned, is just an illusion. Any real light, and love, is all in Infi now. I'm nothing. I'm the true shadow here, a shadow of whatever "angel" I used to be in your opinion, with how far I've fallen. I'm not worthy of this color. In my hands it's just bleach. Just nothingness. If anyone can actually hold this hue, it sure as heaven isn't me.

Okay, I get the picture, geez.

Are you trying to kill me, then? I who am your heart? 

I-- no, no Infi, I could never kill you, I'd never want to--

Then don't kill your self because it is my heart too. Don't switch our colors. I am meant to be Black, you are meant to be White. You can't reverse that without us completely resetting our identities. Don't take that as an invitation.

...

Suddenly his motivation makes sense!

Very funny, Laurie.

I want to know why you hate existing so much.

I'm ashamed of my narcissism, maybe.

What narcissism?

I'm tired of being important. Ever since my childhood, I've had everyone and their brother telling me that "I was born for a reason" downstairs and that "I have an incredibly important role" upstairs. Then you guys showed up, and your lives were anchored to mine, and that was the last straw. After a while I was just sick and tired of being the center of the universe. I didn't want anyone else to suffer for it, though. I didn't choose to be important, but if I had to be, then I wanted to be important in my unimportance.

Like a galaxy rotating around a black hole.

Maybe-- Laurie, was that an injoke?

Half of one. Point is, kid, you're still important, and you still exist.

I'm so tired though.

I know. But honestly, kid, I think it's downstairs life that's getting to you. You're being pulled in all directions. Really, at night, when you're asleep enough to forget it all and you come up here, I love seeing you so simply happy. That's the only time I ever see you smile anymore, is when you're not even halfway bloody conscious. Do you have any idea how that makes me feel?

Intellectually, maybe. Empathy's been slipping from me lately.

How? That used to be one of your strongest points!

I think... really, I think that my several Scratch attempts really upset my Links. They are what allowed me to feel what other people felt, in the past. It's why my teenage self-image was a mess; I was always reaching out to people with them, losing myself in their stories and thoughts, never considering my own, let alone whether or not I really had any. It's WHY I was able to type Dream World so well for years-- because I wasn't in the picture!! But then headspace became a thing, and I was forced to be a person of my own for once, and... I'm still not used to it. I'm not comfortable with this. Except now, it's become so deeply rooted that I can't change it. I can't run from it. Like it or not, I am anchored to this Spectrum just as much as you guys are, and all my desperate attempts at pseudo-suicide are simply feeble wishes that I wasn't.

...

So why did your Links suffer?

They always did, when I would work with headspace, because they require me to completely let go of my self-image and be the other person. That's why so many outspacers came in and out of Central back then; that's what allowed them to! My energy would branch out and bring them in, but only those whom it resonated with could stay. But yeah, the more I had to focus on myself, the more my Link capacity suffered. Parnassus began to falter first, you all remember that.

Yeah, it pretty much hit the floor as soon as JTHM entered the picture.

And I tried to Link with that too, remember? Johnny even visited Central once or twice! Unfortunately that's when you and Lynne and maybe even Nat were already around, though, so--

Unfortunately? In comparison to what?

In comparison to me not having any ties to anyone as an individual. You swore your life to protecting me, to helping me to "become the person I needed to be." Ironically, that mission statement was the root of all my problems. I didn't want to become a person at all.

So that motivated the Scratch on the 24th, huh. You wanted to delete all of us, all the reasons why you had to "be a person," and go back to writing your Link-worlds without a second thought as to your own existence.

Yes.

Too bad, you're the Sandman's Apprentice now.

That's my point.

You said he loves you too much. I don't think "too much" applies to him.

"Too much" applies to anyone who values my life that much. You guys shouldn't care.

Why not?

You have your own lives to worry about.

And mine is anchored to yours, you just said that. Once again, we've been over this.

...

Geez, you don't look happy about that at all.

I wish there was a better way. Laurie, I really wish I could just... sacrifice my self, somehow, like I actually managed to do for a short time after the life-scratch. Do you remember?

What?

I managed to tear out that part of myself. My entire upstairs identity became autonomous, and for a week all of you guys were living in harmony with it, as a separate world. You became "series #12," Blood Lotus Cathedral. You became a Link-world, not headspace.

And you were left empty and devoid of all identity, remember?

I liked that!

Did you really.

You were happy! You were still anchored but not to my stupid downstairs life. I--

Hold up, there's that point again.

What, downstairs? It's true! I can't seem to juggle that and this! Downstairs I can type IF I don't have an identity on any other level! When headspace exists, boom, suddenly I have a self somewhere, and the Links can't get through that somehow! I'm always in my own way. It's been happening since 2003, when I used to visit Ryou and Marik, I knew something was wrong because I was becoming a person when I was around them-- they called me by name and no one had ever done that before. It was so weird at first, having these kids who insisted they loved me "for me," and then Chaos showed up and everything went to hell--

Quite the opposite, really.

Laurie, do you understand what I'm telling you?

I understand that you've got a real serious problem, kid. You want to exist as an unimportant speck in reality, without any role in the world beyond channeling another world that means everything to you despite that. You want to exist solely as an artist. You don't want a name, or a face, or a home, or a self. You want to "fulfill your purpose," and then die. Kid, did you ever think that maybe your purpose is a whole heck of a lot bigger than that??

You and boss keep telling me that, yeah.

Do you believe it yet?

No. I can't comprehend it yet.

...Geez, kid. What the heck will it take?

I don't know.

Infi, you got any thoughts on this?

Not really.

No? Seriously?

"Importance" isn't a word I'm familiar with in that sense. I'm new to existence. I'm here to do what I was created to do, that is all.

And what's that?

What I'm created to do?

Yeah. S'far as I'm aware, you were forcibly yanked out of Jewel's ribcage a few days ago, and then stuck in a bubble. Speaking of, is that where we are right now?

Yeah. Infi can't leave it.

Then how the blood did I get in here?

I called you in.

No, I mean-- I warped to you, sure, but isn't this location locked out?

Not necessarily. I mean, I don't think--

I let you in. It's okay, I know you're not a threat.

Good. So I'm allowed in here whenever I want?

If you wish.

Cool. I want to get to know you better, you're an interesting fellow. Anyway. Jewel. Where were we?

Purposes.

And how yours is bigger than you realize.

Better question. What's yours?

Protecting you.

That's it?

Well, you and everyone else up here, but mostly you. For some reason, I've been utterly bloody convinced of your importance to the System as a whole since I first showed up in this world. So yeah, you're my number one priority. Infi, I think your role revolves around him too.

Of course. He is me, and I am him, technically.

Elaborate on that, please? That's really freaking weird.

Yeah, do you even count as a headvoice?

The heck are you asking? Don't you know?

Well, not quite? Headvoices just "appear." They manifest when a fitting energy anchor for their slot is created, and enough of it gathers for them to manifest. I have no control over it, no say in it. But Infi was forced to manifest. The Tar freaking tore him right out of me, you know that.

Sounds like he's in a class of his own, then.

Yeah. But he is tied to me, I know that.

Of course. Our energy mirrors each other.

So I've noticed.

And I've heard you're trying to clear his out?

There is a lot of Tar stuck in him. It's gathered over the years, I think. I don't yet understand why it keeps coming back.

There must be a direct feed.

That makes sense-- wait, do you think it's Razor??

What do you mean?

Come on, you were just asking me about that yesterday, whether or not she fit the Red slot in your absence, what with how the Tar's always messing with your old color. What if she does?

Black and White are tied to Red, so she might.

See? Maybe that's what's causing you to keep falling back into it. Infi, how does that affect you? Are you affected by it?

Not exactly. See, I am the Black slot. Not Tar. Any energy it tries to infect me with can simply be converted. I eat it.

You eat it.

I eat it, or I destroy it. Either way, I keep the energy clear, in this bubble.

Are you supposed to move down into the Tar Room when that villain gets the heck out of there, or what?

Possibly. I think there's a certain Basilica that's more suited for me, though.

...Oh.

Yeah, where the heck was that, even? Below the Tar Room, right?

Yes.

Is it supposed to be black?

Yes.

Huh. So what the heck is the Tar Room, then? A glitch?

Possibly. I wouldn't know. Jewel, that's a question you need to answer.

You're coming through much more clearly now, just wanted to say that.

Good. Do you know?

No. But maybe it is a glitch. I first saw the room in 2011, the day after the "soft reset," and the room just appeared so maybe it manifested spontaneously... I'm just wondering why the whole "red lights" incident felt so true, if I'm supposed to be White.

Wait. Hold on.

What?

That's it. Red is your downstairs color. White is your upstairs color. Does that make sense?

Intellectually, maybe, but how the heck does that work??

I don't bloody know! Infi, do you know?

No, but it is an interesting thought.

Also, can I just say you look creepy as heck with all those mouth-wings.

It's much easier to talk this way.

Heheh, I figured. Looks good though.

Okay guys, wait a second again.

What?

That old entry. "Tar and Glass." Sound relevant yet?

Holy swords, we're in a glass bubble right now, aren't we?

Indeed we are.

Keep going kid, what else?

Well, first, you know how I said the Tar Room "spontaneously appeared?"

Yeah.

Remember how headspace looked before Central was a real thing? It was all white, featureless, and unformed, remember?

...Shoot. So you're saying that Tar is hijacking unformed headspace?

It could be. It could honestly be using that raw White energy as an anchor to keep it "floating" between the real Black slot location, which is Infi's territory, and the real White slot location, which is the Lotus Cathedral.

No Blood?

I'm not sure. Remember it only held that old name because of the Razor Spire.

Oh man. Kid, I think you are seriously on to something, this is boss.

Isn't it? Thanks Infi, for the inspiration to look this stuff up.

You're welcome.

You seem amused.

I am.

But that would explain why I keep getting hacked! If the Tar can't exist without White energy-- which it HAS admitted to the letter in the past-- then...

Then I need to take its place.

Yeah. That's kind of our only option, I think.

We need to kill the Tar first, though. I don't think it's going to leave quietly under any circumstances.

It doesn't die, we've tried. Can't we transmute it?

What, into Infi's energy?

Into anything non-corrosive. Maybe we can... iridize it.

Oh, come on, no injokes on serious topics.

Hey, you should at least be glad I'm trying to lighten up!

I am! But see, kid, this is what I'm talking about. When you're utterly immersed in this, our upstairs world, you're happy. You're even blissful on your best days. The heck is causing the disconnect between here and there? Downstairs, I mean.

I'm not sure. Maybe it's just the bane of the physical. Stuff doesn't match up. It should though. There's gotta be a way.

...Hold up.

Again?

Again. Maybe that's why it's important for you to be the Apprentice.

...You think?

Sheesh, boss specifically said that's anchored downstairs, didn't he? I mean, really, you can't even legit move into the role until your physical body dies, that is unless meatspace changes its inherent makeup sometime soon.

Yeah. Dude that does make sense. It would also explain the red robes, hey!!

Exactly!

Doesn't red mean life in that world, too?

I dunno, that's your pool of knowledge, not mine.

I thought you had free reign to rifle through all my memories whenever you wanted, love?

I do, but that stuff is data. Some of it is stored in locations that even my sleuthing abilities can't find out.

Really?

Yeah. Maybe it's outspaced, who knows.

Could be.

Either way, here's the list.

Good old Scherzando!

Okay, so Red is Destiny in Oneircia, that's cool. It's a lesser form of Creation in Parnassus, too.

Really? How so?

Well, Parnassus is still blurry, but I think Blue there is creation of life, and Red is creation of matter.

Ah. Which ties right in to you and headspace anyway, so.

Yeah. Oh, and it's Life magic in Puppetstrings too.

What is it in Rosewindow?

Uh... it's listed as Honor, Respect, and Compassion there.

That's interesting.

Yeah. But this is an older file, too... seeing how, lately, I've seen more of that world, I think I can say with confidence that Red is Life there too, at least on some level.

Is Violet Death?

Probably. Death, Change, Transition, stuff like that.

Sweet.

But what is Red, here?

...

Sounds like it's Life here, too.

It's... Red here has always struck me as the anchor point. Probably because of me. But it's... what does it feel like... fire.

Fire?

Yeah. Condensed potential? Heat, maybe. A sense of preparation. It's odd.

Maybe it's not an "anchor" so much as it's a grounding point for the other colors?

Maybe.

Red is considered to be the first color seen by mankind.

The first piece of the Spectrum after Black and White, there you go!

Huh. Could it be that simple?

Maybe. You make things far too complex, kid. Now what's this "prism" thing?

What?

In your entry last night. You said prisms are important. What's that about?

Geez, do you read everything I write?

Yes. I am your personal professional stalker. Now spill.

Okay, haha. It's also part of the "iridize" injoke from earlier.

I know, go on.

Well, both the White and Black slots are supposed to be iridescent by nature. Prismatic, even.

Uh-huh. Yeah, I kind of noticed that rainbow sheen going on with you. Infi doesn't seem to have it though, what's with that?

I cannot, yet. Not until the Tar is moved out completely.

Ah. So what's your deal for now?

Stars. The quiet of space.

Looks good. That's soul form stuff right there, isn't it?

Exactly. Much more muted, though. It's the basic energy, not the actual phenomenon.

Geez, you guys are more important than I realized.

There's that word again.

You seem less upset about it than you were earlier, though.

I am, actually. It's a stupid paradox. I'm willing to be important if the importance doesn't involve me?

Explain? How does that apply to this directly?

Well, you mentioned soul forms. Anyone can achieve one if they can anchor into this energy. I don't mind being the reason why that energy is up here, if that is indeed true, as long as that energy is not "me," or inherently tied to me in order to exist.

I see.

Yeah. Being a rallying point is fine, but I don't want to be the one getting the attention.

You want to be a channel is all.

Yes!

Could've guessed that one, it's the oldest one in the book. So you'd prefer if people go running for water, but don't think of the faucet.

Basically.

Even if you're in the middle of a bleeding desert.

Hey, at least the people are getting water, I don't think they care where it comes from.

And that's what you want?

Yeah. I want to be importantly unimportant, if my personal significance cannot be changed?

I got it, yeah. So you've told your boss about this?

Essentially. Ironically I don't think he has a problem with it. Sandmen are incredibly important in the Rosewindow worlds, after all, but they typically work behind the scenes. Which I'm totally okay with. They travel through time and space but they might not keep the same face, or form, or anything. They don't even have names, just titles. They're ever-changing dream wanderers, existing for the good of the all, and massively important to existence somehow, even if no one knows about them.

Sounds like your ideal job.

Haha, it kind of does, looking back on it.

But that does not tie into your downstairs life yet, does it?

No. Not literally. I still have to do "daily life" stuff yet.

You just don't like taking care of a body is what it is, I think.

Maybe! That is something I have a lot of trouble with in any case. I just don't like having a static form, especially not one that everyone else has pieced together on a whim. I don't like having one name, and one face, and one life. It makes me feel trapped.

Which is why you love headspace. And Link-worlds, too.

Exactly. I can be anything up here. I can be nothing, and I can be everything! I can completely tune myself out and watch for hours if I want. That makes me so happy. That's all I want.

Well, your boss sounds like he's trying to do that for you.

Probably. I really do love him though. I don't treat him anywhere near as well as I should.

Are you kidding? You treat the man like gold!

I'm always late for work and my selfish attempts at suicide have nearly cost him his life several times already. I'm probably just a pain in the neck for him at this point.

And yet he specifically said you're the exact opposite of a disappointment.

...He did.

Kid, you used to do this with Marik all the time too, remember? Whenever there's someone upstairs who you feel is being left out, specifically by you, you go way out of your way to make them feel loved and appreciated.

No I don't.

You don't go as far as you'd like, no, because you're not capable. You only have so much time and space to give. But the intention and effort are not lost, even if you don't "do" anything outwardly. That stuff echoes. We all know you love us more than you'd ever dare admit to yourself.

I can't feel anything lately.

It would likely crush you if you could.

...

It is being blocked, either way.

I know.

Is that because of the old blocks?

Partly. We're in the process of moving those out, though.

So I heard, wink nudge cough.

Laurie, shut up.

Heheh. Gotta tease you about your weird life sometime, kid.

True.

But the Red channel is what we should be concerned about now, if that is true.

Yeah, I need to go back and review the entry I mentioned earlier.

You mind doing that now?

What? Now?

Yeah. Go review it, and then we can talk about it here. Sound good, Infi?

The sooner we can solve this the better, so yes.

Aiite, cool. Jewel, go read.

Give me a second... okay, first off, when the Tar was still young, it acted more like an "antihero" than a flat-out villain. It was always trying to "make me learn" by example.

By demonstrating to you what you were not, right? Yeah, I remember that. When'd it all go downhill?

When the Celebi stuff started happening, I think? That was barely two months later, so it was fast.

Makes sense.

...Infi, that's not what you're supposed to be like, is it?

No... I don't think so.

You mean you aren't even sure??

No. I think the Tar is supposed to be Jewel's shadow. He is white, and that is his offset.

Not you?

I am him. I'm the positive side of that void.

Like what Ryou told me during our 4th incident!

Seriously?

Yeah!! Well, wordlessly maybe. But the truth sticks to him. It's how you "need the darkness for the stars to shine." He's a Paladin of Void upstairs, a divine spellcaster that uses shadow as its holy weapon. That's pretty important.

Holy swords, it really is.

Geez there's so much I need to review from last winter in my entry logs. LOTS of relevance that I didn't have the knowledge to see before. This is big.

We can do that later today, kid. Right now we're two hours into a session and I really don't want to take up your whole morning with this stuff.

Gotta go play Nier while the house is quiet, right?

Heck yes, Xennie's been asking me why you don't play that more often.

She has?

Yeah, she loves that game just as much as you do!

Oh-- dude you just reminded me. You know how her middle name is Yonah?

Yeah, cracked me up when I found out. That's adorable.

Maybe, but uh... you know. Shades and stuff.

Oh. Oh. Geez, how did I not catch that?? And she looks like Infi, a little! Is that tied together too?

Probably.

Holy flaming swords, I knew that had to be important.

Haha, I told you things move fast in headspace!

You're preaching to the choir, kid! Now what else is in that entry? I'm curious now.

Well, it kept pointing out how I needed "offsets" or dichotomies to understand truths about life?

Like what?

Like only knowing that I am "of the Light" through knowing the truth about the Dark? It's hard to put into words... it's the principle of not truly understanding true joy unless you've known the deepest sorrow.

Makes sense. And that's what it said to you at first?

Yeah, that was literally my first impression of it.

How the heck did it get so violent so fast?

Let me keep reading... dude, it attacked you as soon as you walked in!

Yeah, that's why I'm bloody asking! Why the sudden switch?

It sees you as a threat.

To?

To its existence. As a protector, you are sworn to eliminating all darkness of that sort in the system. In order for Tar to survive, it needs that darkness to exist. Your existence, therefore, stands in direct opposition to it.

...Shoot, so does that mean that it's tied to Red but opposed to Violet?

Maybe.

Where the heck does Pink come in, then?

Pink is an extra slot, isn't it?

I don't quite understand Pink, yet. That's something you and I need to look into more.

Yeah.

Wasn't it technically a "splinter" of Red back when you were a kid? An alternate base slot, maybe?

Maybe! Dude that kind of makes sense.

Huh. It's interesting, is what it is. Keep reading. What else did you write about that stuff, before Leon yanked us out?

Chaos showed up.

Yeah, forgot you didn't mention that.

Both of you were freaking out though.

Well, obviously! I'd never seen anything like that before, and it felt really bleeding ominous!

Oh-- oh dude, when we blasted it with that triple-energy attack, which was white, it suddenly warped the space into a church??? Infi is that where we went on the-- don't smile at me like that, okay, that's a yes.

I was simply using the same energy.

So the Tar Room is supposed to be a church??

No, White energy naturally coalesces into church-like structures when it is forced to solidify, thanks to Jewel's energy being tied to it. Cathedrals, Basilicas, Churches.

Sacred places.

Yes.

Huh. Wonder if that holds any extra relevance with Leon, with how he can jump to them.

Question. Is he jumping, or is he forming pocket mindscapes TO jump to?

...Dude I don't actually know. I don't think he knows.

He says it's random. Seeing as how those places are usually inaccessible otherwise, it sounds to me like there's instantaneous structuring of raw headspace going on.

Dude. Wow. I admire that guy even more now.

Heheheh!

So that gives more proof to the Tar Room being malformed raw headspace.

Exactly. We're making progress!

Awesome. Anything else relevant to today's discussion in there?

Let me see... oh! The swords!

Heck yes, the swords.

I have those too.

Yeah, you showed us earlier, scared the bleeding life out of me. Why the heck are they so big, are you pulling an Ichigo Kurosaki on us?

They pressurize when he shrinks them.

I must use Black energy to form mine. That energy is very unstable in headspace right now.

Ah, okay. So Jewel's swords use White energy?

That's why they're crystalline, yeah.

Why the heck does Chaos have one too, then? Is that just because he's tied to you?

Maybe? Infi, what do you think?

Definitely.

Well that was an awfully sure answer, haha.

Chaos is very closely tied to Jewel's energy. So are many of the other midspacers. This is because they used his energy to anchor into this system.

True.

Laurie, I don't think you even considered that part.

Not the second half, no.

You're such a tease.

Someone's gotta do it, kid.

Oh yeah, and then I stored the sword in my chest. Like I usually do.

Do you have literal hammerspace in there, or what? Because I swear, kid, you hit like a truck.

So you understand what Chaos means when he says that now!

No kidding, that's why it took me ages to put my walls all the way down around you, mister levity!

Infi, would you have gravity stuff too?

Possibly. I've never checked.

Yeah, dude's only a few days old.

April 3rd happened an eternity ago, I swear.

What can I say, time is infamously weird up here.

But yes. Chest-swords.

What about them?

Well, space is pretty darn weird up here, too.

You're like... dating both those concepts too. Somehow.

It's inevitable. I like weird things. What does that say about you.

I am going to kill you.

Hahaha!

You two are great.

Good to hear. You two are, uh, pretty great too.

Shut up Laurie, and stop laughing.

No, I'm serious! I don't know what the heck's going on with this self-split stuff in here, but whatever you're doing, it's cool. Just keep brightening up my boy here, and I don't care what you two do.

Are you poking fun at me, Laurie?

Yeah, haha, and that grin is super creepy.

I could just stare, if you want.

Okay, no, the eyes are worse.

Hehe.

Guys, one last thing in this entry.

What?

The whole thing about how to "defeat" the Tar, or not.

Can you quote it?

Sure. "We couldn't kill the ego, we couldn't fight it... so I had left it alone. I left it to just be the balance it was, to stop struggling and just live despite it. But there was a deeper truth. If violence and anger and pain and sorrow couldn't touch it... then we had to let that go, and just love. Love conquers all, without fighting at all."

Sounds legit.

So love is the answer, yet again. Thanks, Todd Rundgren!

Yet again, my incessantly teasing you about these topics has relevance.

Ahaha.

No, I'm serious.

We don't have to use that process anymore, if the blocks are cleared sufficiently enough.

Are they, do you know?

They should be, but I think it keeps moving back in, as I said.

Shoot. All right then, that's our number once concern: stopping the freaking floodgate that is letting the Tar slip right back in here.

Yeah, I don't like it.

Really? Even if you agree with it? I'd think that's what's letting it in.

No, Laurie, listen... I... I might not understand it very well, what with how traumatic my past has been concerning all this energy and all, but... last night, talking to Infinitii, we were discussing how Black and White energy is passive and active in terms of creation, respectively; right?

Wait, what? How did I not hear about this?

You didn't hear about it?

No! Fill me in kid, come on.

Okay. So White energy is active creation energy. When used by a person, like with raw headspace, it allows for direct conscious creation through it. Black energy, though-- the stuff of soul forms-- is passive, which is fascinating. Passive creation means that Black simply allows creation to happen through itself. You can't actively control how it manifests. You just intend for creation to happen, and it does the rest.

Is that why the Tar is so manic? Because it can't really control how its own energy manifests?

Probably? It's an interesting thought.

Yeah, no kidding. Wait, Infi, what about you?

Jewel saw me when I was first manifesting, he can attest to that.

Ah, yeah, you were all over the place!

And my current form only manifested because it occurred through you.

Elaborate on that?

I am formed of Black energy, but I was specifically taken from Jewel in order to manifest. When forced to take a form, I had no control over the matter. My native energy allowed a form to manifest based on passive potential within Jewel.

Aha, that makes sense! So Black energy runs on potential, so to speak?

Yes, I suppose that's a clear way to put it.

And White is more specific? Narrowing down of potential, rather.

Yeah, sounds like it.

Cool. This is good, I'm learning a lot of important things today.

Haha, I almost said "Professor Spinny at your service," but that name's not mine anymore.

Not unless we're talking vortexes, which could work. But let's go back to the name thing, that was never answered. What's wrong with "Jewel" that it doesn't fit anymore?

Besides the obvious "that life was scratched" bit? Well, the title was given to my old persona after all.

So its connection to that has lingered.

I guess? The colors are all wrong, yeah.

Huh. And "Jay" is better?

It's just "J," not Jay. At least not correctly. "Jayce" still fits, oddly. It has the right color.

What's this with you and colors lately, too? Are you becoming synaesthetic or what?

A bit, if I tune into it!

Explain the name colors then.

"Jewel" is pinks, purples, and reds. Very old-school energy.

Ah, yeah, I get that. Pre-headspace.

Precisely! "Jayce" is silvery though, and specifically it has an almost ice-like "crackle" to it? I can't find the right word to describe the sound.

That name probably fits because it was bestowed specifically upon your White energy in the past.

Yeah.

So what's "Jay?" I know you use that downstairs now.

I can't quite catch that color clearly? The "y" throws me off though, that's what doesn't fit. "Y" is light yellow, I think. It's a thin, slanted vowel. "V" is purple, as it buzzes.

How about Z? That buzzes too.

Z is cool, I think it's silvery red?

That's oddly specific.

At least, the sound is. The letter itself is dark.

You and your weird sensory stuff. So what are we doing with your name, then? Are we sticking with J?

I don't know? I've actually been debating "Gem" as a rename. And "Katharos" kept coming up before, although that's more of a surname, and it feels VERY Greek which is distracting. Maybe it's Parnassian, and not a headspace name.

God only knows with you, kid.

Weirdly, though, that "gemmacorde" screenname I was using temporarily has the right vibe? Maybe as more of a title than a name, but it fits.

I can see why.

But yeah, "Jewel" can stay for now, as I can't exactly toss out the title I got from Dream World without discussing it with them first. I wonder how to do that now...

You know what, maybe that's why you're having trouble writing the story anymore. Didn't you effectively chop yourself the heck out of their timeline?

...Kind of?

You shouldn't have done that, Jewel.

What-- is that irreversible? Did it screw something up big time?

Almost.

Almost? How the heck do you know?

I can tell. Also your boss is telling me, quietly.

Sandman? Where the heck is he?

Outside.

I think he wants to come in.

Well, let him in!

Oh my, this is small. Hello, child!

Sorry about the bubblespace, we're kind of confined to this area for now.

That's fine, that's fine. I don't mind a bit. Now, child, I apologize for interrupting, but I've been looking for you and I seem to have happened upon an opportune time in the conversation to drop in.

Yeah, spot-on luck as always, boss. What'cha looking for the kid for?

To tell him about this very topic, apparently. Jewel's thought-waves reach me sometimes, and if I feel I can contribute to his understanding, I will stop by and let him know.

You're not busy?

Time is a strange thing where I come from, Laurie my dear.

Yeah, I guess so.

So, child, I am here to tell you about the Red color you mentioned previously?

Yeah, we were wondering what its role was here.

Well, you pretty much have it right! I did tell you the other day, child, that my role and Death's are indeed intertwined. I act as a protector to lives, he acts as a protector to deaths.

How so?

I ensure the continuation of current lives. He ensures the continuation of new lives.

A messenger across the River Styx.

Not quite. He prefers the "Angel of Death" archetype.

So a holy guide, then.

Quite.

And you're the same for the living?

If I may be so bold, yes.

Huh. Sounds fitting to me.

And child, that is part of why you must not die. Life is a treasure, and you must learn to value your own as well.

That's awfully deep for such an obvious and simple truth.

Sometimes the most obvious and simple truths are the deepest, child.

Hm.

Question, while I'm thinking of it.

Yes?

No, for Jewel. Or Infi, whoever the heck knows. Where the blood is this bubble when Jewel is inside it, since he's obviously not wearing it right now?

It moves into floating space. Precisely, here.

...Holy swords that is some seriously freaky stuff right there.

Haha!

Ah, a recursive reality! I do like these.

Sandman, what the heck.

Laurie, when you have seen as many things as I, you learn to appreciate even the strangest.

The darkest, too, I would assume.

Yes, child. Even the darkest. Nightmares are only fallen dreams, you know.

So. We're inside a bubble, inside of a bubble, inside of a freaking bubble, forever and ever amen.

That is why I am named Infinitii, Laurie.

Oh don't you even go there, my head hurts enough already without stupid Lightraye puns.

Is that really why that name clicked for you?

Quite likely, at least partially. Infinite potential, for the black energy, and for the recursive bubble. But "Eternos," that is for neverending cycles of life and death. Black and White, you and me, everything.

I like that.

And then there are two "I's."

Obviously!

The puns, they hurt.

Perhaps you have a similar name, Jewel?

I think "Jewel" fits pretty well with his prismatic thing.

It does, but perhaps he has a better, truer name, is what I'm saying.

He might.

Boss, you had a name once, right?

I did, child.

...It... does it matter to you now, or anyone? Or are you just Mr. Sandman?

I am simply Mr. Sandman now, child. After all, for a traveler of worlds such as myself, having one name only to adhere to would be quite limiting!

That's what I said!

Oh, were you discussing this?

Yeah, kid says he hates having only one name, face, et cetera. I said then it sounds like you're set up for your dream job already with the boss there. Pun intended, why not!

Haha, yes, that is also why he was chosen to be my Apprentice!

Geez, how many criteria are there?

As many as I wish to have. However, there are several rules for taking on the role of a Sandman. Once those are met, then my preferences or partialities simply come into play.

Which are?

Not many, Laurie.

Such as...?

Hm, well he did know Unisalia from a young age.

Yeah, how the heck did that come about?

Interworld connections, actually. The individual who bestowed Unisalia's anchor upon him in his downstairs world was linked to an individual in the same realm that ultimately brought Jewel to me.

Rosewindow, I assume?

Yes. Sister Rosemary Symphora. I do believe you met one of her friends during your dream travels, child?

Who, Clarice??

M-hm.

Dude, how the heck many people does he know?

Quite a few! He's been rather blessed since his childhood, and of course his connections to the Dream World have helped immensely on all fronts.

Then of course we have weird time shenanigans going on up here, as we also mentioned earlier, which ties back into way too many other worlds...

That's to be expected, yes!

Hey, boss?

Yes child?

What are your thoughts on... on Infi?

He is a part of you, isn't he?

Yeah. But the Tar ripped him out of me. It just reached into my ribs, grabbed hold, and... pulled. It hurt like hell, boss.

I would imagine so.

And I know stuff like this always justifies itself eventually-- I mean, Infinitii is part of this system and needed to manifest-- but the cause strikes me as unusual. Bizarre, even. Did the Tar even know that that would happen?

Not specifically, I wouldn't think, but perhaps that was a gamble it was willing to take.

True, but... the heck was it trying to accomplish? Oh!!

Oh?

It was mocking me for trying to fill the Spectrum! It specifically said "if you want new headvoices so bad, let me help you." The ONLY empty headvoice slot in the system was Red.

Ah...

You see what I mean?

Yes.

That ties right into the bloody Razor theory we were tossing around earlier!

Razor? But she isn't in the Red slot, is she?

She's below it, in a freaking nonexistent slot.

Oh. I see.

Yeah. Below Red is Cerise, or Magenta, or whatever the heck the kid is calling it.

Wikipedia's color list says Cerise.

'Kay then, Cerise. Cool. But the Blood slot is a remnant of the old Spectrum floorplan, where Red was the base and Pink was technically above my slot. Now it loops, which allows for Jewel and Infinitii to exist in the center of everything, along with possibly you, Sandman?

With me?

Yeah, uh, I was wondering if you were part of the system or not. If you were, Gray is technically an outspacer slot, so...

Oh, child, I'm not sure if I could fill such a role.

Why not? Just curious.

Those are rather big shoes to fill.

Boss, sweetheart, if anyone's got shoes big enough to fit that spot it's you. Even though you don't wear any.

Still, child. I would not want to interfere.

With?

With the natural order of your system.

Outspacers have to go through you to anchor in here, kid, remember.

Yeah, but... is that... what color energy does that use?

Black.

Oh.

Hence the soul forms, you know.

Uncontrollable potential. I can't touch that.

I can.

You can?

Yes. At least, I can maneuver it well. If you would like to be part of the system, I may be able to bend the gateways allowing for that to happen.

"Bend the gateways?"

I can allow for an anchor to occur without a traditional Link gate.

Ah, okay.

Still, child, I don't know if I should...

I'm not forcing you, boss. I know you're busy, you have a huge role outside of here, but---

...

Boss?

I'm sorry, child. I love you, but I don't want to make this worse for you.

How would you make it worse?

Would not Gray fit between you and Infinitii? Child, I cannot disrupt that balance.

I see. You have a point.

So there's no Gray slot? Strikes me as pretty freakin' weird.

...Child.

Yeah?

In the future, if... if there is ever an occasion where there is unmistakably an open position for me to fill in this Spectrum, I would be honored to fill it.

But not now?

Not now, child. I'm not ready for such a role.

Boss, if you don't want to, you don't--

I do want to, child, that's the problem. Perhaps I want to too much.

How so?

I cannot juggle an anchored spot in this system and my role as a free-flying Sandman at once, Laurie!

Oh.

...Oh, no, wait, don't tell me it has to happen that way.

What way? ...Oh! No, no child, I promise that's not what I was suggesting. I'm sorry.

It's okay. I'm just a little shaken up after that.

I know. I know. It's okay.

...

Hey, uh, you guys got any room for me over there?

Always, Laurie, come on.

Thanks. I kind of need a group hug right about now. Infi, you're in if you want.

I think I'll just experience this vicariously through Jewel.

Very funny.

Hey.

Yes Laurie?

Death doesn't need an Apprentice, right?

Laurie!! You can't do that!

Why the heck not?? If you're going to die and move on to bigger things one day, then so help me God, I want to be with you. I'm dead serious, boss, didn't mean that as a pun either but that happens when you're around Jewel. Keep me in mind.

I will, Laurie.

You will?

Of course. I will mention it to my brother, in all seriousness. Perhaps, even if he cannot take you on as an Apprentice, he can help you in some other way.

With not dying once this kid signs out for good?

Child, I doubt that would be the end of your existence in any case!

I'm not so sure sometimes, bossman. Also nice job making me feel my actual age, sheesh.

Haha.

Laurie...

Yeah, kid?

...If I have it in my power at all, I won't let you die once I leave.

Kid, that's not the point. Point is, I don't want to live without you.

Isn't that getting too attached?

No. It's recognizing when you bloody need someone in your life. In all of 'em, even.

...How can you be so sure?

Just believing what my heart's telling me, kid. Like you believe yours, standing right over there, apparently.

Hello.

That's, uh... that's a really good point, actually. Thank you.

For which part?

...Both of them. You and Infi by proxy. Just... both of you, really. And you, too, Boss, I... I know you'd return the sentiment the same as they do.

Of course I would, dear child. Your existence is a treasure in my life as well. You should treasure it in turn.

Heh, well said. 

So, um...

Getting too close for comfort, eh?

Haha, no way, I love you all immensely. I just want to know what else we need to talk about before I start closing this up. It's 1PM you know.

Sheesh, it is?

Time flies when you're having fun, Laurie!

Yeah, I guess so! Geez, uh, I'm actually not sure if there were any pressing matters we needed to attend to yet. Infi?

Yes, Laurie?

You got any topics you wanna discuss before we start closing this thing up?

I cannot say I do. From what I recall, Jewel was going to make a list for our next session?

Oh yeah, with reviewing last year. That's a good idea.

Hey, um... sorry about the record scratch.

You freakin' serious?

Yeah. I know that's what you were mad about when you came in here.

Jewel, I was mad about you having been slowly falling apart since February 24th.

Because of the scratch.

I think she forgives you, child.

Of course I bloody forgive him, how could I hold that against him?? He's had one heck of a life so far, it's understandable to want to cash in the last paycheck and hit the road once in a while.

That's the best idiom for death I've ever heard.

That was quite original, yes.

Shut up, it's true. S'why I brought this back, too.

...

Ah yes, your scar...

You remember this too, see? It's important. I wanted to die just as bad as you did back in Feb. And I would have, too, if you didn't save me.

...

You understand now, kid? What that means to me now? Looking back, yeah, I was kind of furious that you wouldn't let me die either. I saw no point in going on. But despite everything, you wouldn't let me give up, and that look in your eyes when you thought you had lost me was the most heartbreaking thing I've seen in my entire life. And I've seen a lot, kid.

I know.

So I owed you one. Maybe I wasn't the one to save you this time. That was your boss, sure, a round of applause for him, but seriously... well, heck, I owe him one too now, but...

I'm sure I'll call you in on that favor one day, Laurie.

Yeah, and I'm honestly lookin' forward to it. But really, Jewel, I owe you one for saving me. You remember what I said last December, right?

I remember what you said on the night with the Christmas lights, too.

Yeah. Heh, different take on the same truth, but good catch.

Things like that are worth living for.

Things like you are worth living for.

Laurie, please, don't...

Don't what? Don't remind you how important you are? Well how's this for a quote? "To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world." No idea who said it, and it's cheesy as heck, but it gets the point across.

...You really do love me as much as Chaos does, don't you?

No kidding, kid, I could've sworn I'd proven that point to you already!

She has a point, child.

You too, boss, I swear...

Yes?

You... you and Laurie, and Chaos, and my daughter. No matter how many times I try to off myself, or take a magnet to the tape, or erase everything, I can't erase any of you. And I've tried, God forgive me but I've tried. And I am so sorry. I love you so much, every one of you. Genesis too, geez, he's got a different role but he never gives up on me either...

You've got a lot of people looking out for you, kid.

Yeah, but the motivation is what gets me.

Love.

The only thing that can stop the Tar.

...

Geez, he's right.

I do believe that's a good point to close up on, child?

Sounds like it, yeah.

And you two are still cuddled up in the corner there.

I'm allowed to hug my Apprentice.

Yeah, it's just adorable.

She's jealous.

I am not.

I'm just teasing you, love.

Yeah, heh, I guess someone's gotta do that too.

So. French leave?

Perhaps I will. I did appear rather unexpectedly, after all, my departure should be similar.

Yeah, we're all pretty used to you randomly showing up and leaving the way it is.

True! So, child?

Yes boss?

Do smile more, promise me that. You look so much better with a smile.

Heh, I guess I do. Thanks.

I've been trying to tell him that.

I'm sure he heard. Sometimes it just takes a little extra push to really sink in, though.

I hear you.

Infi?

Yes?

It was a pleasure to meet you, even if our first encounter has been rather... informal.

I'm used to it. Structure is his thing, not mine.

He's the one with infinite bubbles.

Ah, but so are you, child. *doffs nightcap* Farewell!

That was not a freaking French leave, that little sneak, throwing parting paradoxes at us.

He's taller than you.

Hey, I had to find a nicer insult there. It feels really bloody weird to say anything rough around your boss, believe it or not.

He's too nice to even get pretend angry with.

Yeah, he is. So. We done?

With the session?

Duh, I don't see us doing anything else, do you?

Haha, no, sorry. Plus it is getting late.

Exactly.

This was nice, though. I think I'd like to have one of these once a week again, now that I'm sure I can still have them.

Good idea. We picking a specific day or what?

Uh, Thursdays maybe? Wednesday evenings?

Either one is fine.

How about both, just in case we can't make one time?

Sounds good to me. And no Monday nights because of therapy, I assume?

Well, no late Monday nights because of therapy, but having sessions on Monday-- like today-- might actually help my therapy quite a bit.

I thought so, yeah. Infi, you cool with that?

As cool as I can be.

Awesome. Guess that's it, then.

Five hours! That's about average.

Haha, man, this really took five hours?

Pretty much. Gonna be more once I'm done editing it.

That's hilarious. Good use of a morning though.

Good use of a bonus day off, you mean! Class was cancelled for today, otherwise I wouldn't be here.

See, now that's what we mean by "everything happens for a reason." The universe just decided "you know what, forget English class, Jewel needs to talk to Laurie." And so it was.

Haha!

Now, seriously, how the heck do we get out of this bubble?

Be polite and ask.

Ooh, sassmaster over here.

Heheh.

He gets it from you.

Everyone gets everything from me.

Perhaps that is relevant too!

What, the injoke?

The fact that everything we "joke" about always ends up having some bigger relevance down the line. And that's one heck of a big implication already.

Well, with what the White color is supposed to be and do, it makes sense...

Yeah, which isn't a big surprise.

Plus the whole Link phenomenon goes without saying.

We've gotta figure out a way to have outspacers visit without latching onto the system, because that was getting weird as hell.

The empty slots are acting like magnets.

Are they?

The Spectrum naturally wants to complete itself.

Makes sense.

Explains my obsessive searching for people who fit, too.

Yeah, you've gotta stop that. No controlling things, remember? Especially not where midslots are concerned. That's not your line of expertise.

We leave that up to you then, Infi?

You could. I won't be trying to order people around either, though.

Good! That's good to hear. People need to chill out and just let things happen up here, not naming any names.

Sure you aren't. But I agree.

Also, holy swords, that was a beautiful piano chord. What are you listening to?

improvisation no110 by Kyle Landry, a god among pianists. "Unchained."

Fitting title.

It is.

No, I mean for the session, too.

Oh! Good idea. That is kind of what we're doing, after all... taking off chains and shackles.

You're gonna fly free as a bird one day, kid, I'm telling you.

It would be nice, honestly.

No, I'm serious. That's actually one of the things I want most in this world, is for you to no longer be tied down by all this darkness I've been hunting down for years. I mean, I don't mind protecting you, I wouldn't give up this job for the world, but... it would be nice to know that, maybe, there's nothing after you for once.

Yeah.

We're getting there.

Cross my heart we are, Infi. Now are we actually going to close this up, or are we going to continue our usual pattern of unending conclusive dialogue?

Well, you could just ask Infi to pop us back out into Central, and we'd be good.

Good idea. Yo, sir eyeball-teeth, care to free us from this spherical headtrip so J can get on with his work?

He's giggling.

I'm beginning to appreciate your sense of humor.

Good, 'cause I ain't changing it to fit your style, you freak of nature.

Says the headvoice to the conglomerate.

See, you're a man of sass, I'm a man of swears.

I love how you never know what gender noun to use for yourself.

Dude, none of us in this room do, we all default to the male because it's at least bloody closer!

That's why I'm laughing!

Okay, really, enough of the bubblespace. Can we please exit this Bosch fever dream and go back to nice, normal headspace?

Okay, now that was funny.

Seriously, when the heck has headspace ever been nice and normal?

Since now, apparently. Guess it depends on your definition though.

Laurie.

Yeah?

I noticed you mentioned a "french leave" back there somewhere...

Oh no you flipping don't---

Ahahaha!

Agh. Talk about a rough landing, sheesh.

Hey, at least we're out.

Where the blood is that little trickster?

Right here.

Can he see us?

Maybe. It's funny to think.

*flips him off*

Laurie, haha, come on!

Hey, he knows it's all in good fun now.

Yeah. I imagine it'd be really difficult to offend him in any case.

Probably. Keep that one point in mind, though, Jewel.

What point?

That he was formed from you. Like a rib from Adam himself, for lack of a better and more fitting analogy. Anything good you say about that little nightmare of a headvoice, you better believe you're saying about yourself, too.

...Maybe that's what boss meant by the simple, obvious lessons.

Yeah. Sounds like that's something you need to learn from Infi there, and honestly I can't think of anyone better suited to teach you. Not even me.

You come really close, though.

Maybe. Can we close this thing up?

Oh geez, sorry! I forget, we just keep rambling and then it hits me that "whoa, this is still being recorded, isn't it?"

And you don't even bother to backspace, you just leave all of it up.

It's fun to look back on and read.

I imagine it would be.

Song's over, time to quit?

Sounds good to me. Oh, no, wait.

What?

What color is that chord?

Which one, the one that caught your attention before?

Yeah. Just curious if it has a color or something to your weird ol' brain.

Hm... 3:19, right?

Yeah.

...Reddish violet.

You're kidding me.

No, I'm serious! It's got the purposeful weight and the vibrant edge, that's both colors.

Haha, man, that's perfect.

Just like you, love.

Wh-- the heck, J, and you yell at me for saying things like that!

Heheh. I'm just in a good mood.

Well that's a heck of an improvement from five hours ago.

Seriously feels like five minutes ago, no lie.

Weird time shenanigans, kid. Just shrug and roll with it.

You mean, just shrug and...

Don't.

...deal with it.

That's it, that was one injoke too many, you're dead.

You can't kill what you can't catch!

I'm not gonna literally kill you, you son of a gun, get back here!

No, then this session isn't going to end!

Oh shoot, good point. Then you'd better watch your back, boy!

I can't, everything's too dark with these supercool shades on.

Ahaha, serves you right for wearing sunglasses indoors.

Don't, that's not a good reference, not for this session.

It's a good reminder.

That it is.

*swipes the shades*

Hey!

Now you can't deal with it.

*Kanye shrug* You have a point.

You rapscallion.

Pfahaha!!

Should I make it worse and say I'll leave this session after you, sir?

That would be too ironic.

Either way, we should really HURRY UP.

True, I think we've had enough injokes for today-- ow!!

That's for the sunglasses.

Yeah, I walked right into that one.

Probably because you couldn't see.

Ahaha, nice one!

Speaking of, what's this sudden dark space I see?

What dark space?

Oh, never mind, it's just the end of the freakin' entry.

Haha, point taken!
 

 

 

 

Okay, update time.
Let's start off with the daily basics.

First, I've been breaking out in hives after eating for the past three days, accompanied by dizziness and nausea. Problem is, I can't pinpoint what's doing this. It's hard to keep food down and frankly it's scary just to eat anymore, what with how sick it seems to invariably make me feel. I'm thinking of doing a vegetable fast from now until my surgery, and pray that takes care of the problem. If not... we'll see. Either way, though, my weird eating disorder is getting worse. I'll only "eat" when no one else is in the room so I can spit it right back out; swallowing food makes me nauseous. However, if I am in the room with other people, my chewing addiction will STILL kick in, and since I'm trying so hard to "entertain" or otherwise amuse those other people, I'll end up eating a ton of food without realizing it. That's when I end up trying to vomit it all back up. Problem is, I'm tired of it. My throat is raw and sore, I keep coughing, my nose burns, my stomach hurts. I don't want to keep doing this. I just spent my last $10 this week on food that I promptly threw up, now leaving me broke with nothing to show for it and no job until after surgery (and possibly school as well) is over. Even worse, I'm burning through my family's money, which I've already mentioned, but which haunts me constantly. I'm trying to scrape some dollars together to buy some sort of mouth guards, anything to put in my mouth so I can't put food in there when I feel that driving need to bite or chew. My arms are covered in scabs the way it is. But you've all heard enough about that, and I don't want to talk about it.
Speaking of talking about things, our second point is that I started therapy this morning. It's difficult though, as this guy is the kind of therapist that makes ME do all the talking. Oh well, I suppose therapy is therapy. So I'm doing what I can in sessions. One good thing is that he DID tell me that he "doesn't treat patients as collections of symptoms," basically, like my previous therapist did. This guy said, specifically, that he will treat me as an individual first and foremost, so "finding a therapy method that meshes with my multiple diagnoses" isn't even a concern here, thank God. He also told me almost immediately that "our goal here is to talk about whatever is on your mind," with "whatever is on my mind" being defined as the things that don't leave it, so to speak. The first thing that pops into my consciousness when he says that is what I should discuss, with no censorship-- although that is still very difficult for me. Still, I at least had the guts to explain my gender troubles to him briefly today. It took up most of the session but since it's my most pressing concern, I'm very glad it's at least out in the open... not shoved under the rug like I've done in the past. However he keeps prodding me to talk about my "abusive history," which I haven't clarified (obviously) because of how bizarre said history is to me. On that note, no, I didn't mention headspace yet and I actually might not in that context, unless an unintentional slip or insurmountable psychological obstacle forces my hand. I am terrified of dealing with another 2008 confrontation where the nature of reality is concerned, so I can't help but tread lightly now when I am all but obligated to bring it up. Still, at the moment I am strongly considering referring to them ALL as "long-distance friends," but I don't want him to pull the "people online aren't who they say they are" card either, which would just make his perception of them worse (by assuming I don't actually know them, which I most definitely do). However, I think I've invented a way to talk about my past abuse at the hands of the Tar... instead of talking about Julie (as her redemption story is FAR too difficult to explain to an outsider), I will refer to the Tar itself as a girl named Tara, who I 'met in elementary school' but who wasn't in my grade.' It's a reasonable enough fabrication, and it would make the whole thing a LOT easier... I hope. Problem is, there are some theoretically impassible snags that I'm already encountering while reviewing the whole ruse. Laurie says the biggest one is "then when and where did this 'Tara' abuse you if you've already claimed you had no social contacts as a child?" Of course I could claim she was the only one, but really I don't want to get all tangled up in falsehood... geez this is awful. Why am I so scared to bring this up? I want to finally discuss this with a therapist after burying the pain (which I STILL keep insisting is "fake and stupid") without traversing too far into the difficult and unsteady topical ground that is headspace. I just don't like telling lies, ever, even the protective kind... and Julie isn't too happy about me refusing to acknowledge her struggles and existence in light of this whole thing anyway. But we'll get to that. First, point three.
Our third point-- which falls on an unfortunately very related note-- is that I haven't been sleeping well. I've been having nightmares, in which I either die or am involved in an apocalyptic scenario, and I've been waking up several times during the night. Not only that, but it's taking me anywhere from one to three hours to fall asleep in the first place now. I can't say for sure why this is, at least not with total conviction. I do, however, know why I haven't been able to sleep since Monday... and why my literal nightmares haven't been as bad as they could be.
I'm having those when I'm still awake.
That's what brings me here.

If you haven't been reading my bloodier entries on adflixerunt, I don't blame you. However, as stated there, around 2AM on Sunday the 17th I tried to talk to Celebi, hoping that she would have some sort of advice on what to do with our now-mangled timeline. She felt off, somehow, moreso than usual, and since I was already tired, sick, and emotionally wrecked, I called her out on it.
She melted into tar.
It literally scared the life out of me-- a fright that turned into horror when the next words out of her darkly grinning mouth were "don't you remember, bitch? When did you first see me up here?"
Now, I did mention this briefly on Scribbld, but it bears both repeating and further explanation. The "Celebi" in our system appeared in January of 2012, completely without warning. This is notable for one very, VERY big reason: on January 4th of that same year, I abandoned the "Gaia" misnomer I had been given in our beta timeline, and adopted my new one: Eros, or Cupid. This name hadn't been randomly handed to me either; on the contrary, I was led to it through a stunningly gorgeous chain of synchronicity that may not have begun on but at least climaxed on December 23rd of 2011. However, the biggest switch with respect to Sunday was that the old "Gaia" name had been fittingly given to my OLD self, so to speak... the one that shattered into splinters, and the one that, for years, identified as a Celebi herself. January 4th was the date I forever shed that childhood identity, becoming reborn into my new and true role. However, January11th was the day I declared that I had "stopped Tar hacks for good," now that I understood how my role affected my understanding of the energy it was warping. That's when stuff got weird.
On the 12th, I said this: "I'm still a Celebi, still a time-traveler, but now I glow red instead of green." I also said, "The other night I tried to switch my perception, to send my love back to myself. I couldn't do it." Sound like a warning sign yet? If not, just take a look at THIS sentence... "Fast-forward to November 2011...The game was scratched, started anew... but we had managed to rise above the old system, and so we survived, to be brought into something new and yet so familiar. The 12th introduced our oldest and yet heretofore hidden adversary, the tar. By the 18th, I had fallen into a very dark place, but I could no longer be trapped there. I knew I was lost, but I knew I could get out, although I also knew it would be incredibly difficult."
This is what happened on January 18th. Understand the title now?
So yeah. I completely missed all the warning signs the first time around, but in those early weekend hours, staring into inhumanly blue eyes, they all hit me like a bullet to the brain.
When Celebi appeared in my headspace, I didn't recognize her. To quote myself, she was "an individual I had never known nor seen before. She wasn't the Celebi I had known since my youth; she claimed she was 'from the movies.'" I didn't question it... and by the 18th, I had fallen into a very dark place... you get the picture.
I daresay I don't have to mention the fact that, when we first visited the Razor Spire, the Tar specifically turned into a Celebi form to scream at me about my self-hatred and "inner suicide," refusing to forgive me, refusing to listen to me. And now I just remembered that, last summer, I was warned by a friend about a "green threat" in my headspace... I guess that was it, too.
Geez. his is all bothering me like you wouldn't believe, though... because we had a freaking incident while we were in Utah! However I haven't re-read it since this tar thing happened, and I really should... it could have the exact answers I need. I won't waste time analyzing all of that right now, though... there are more pressing matters to discuss.
Anyway, I managed to run away from her, just barely. I then noticed that my old Celebi plush was in the bedroom, after not having been there for fear of it for weeks beforehand. I grabbed it, soberly walked down the hallway, and threw it under a table. I felt nothing. Then I went back to bed, praying for sleep. Upon waking up a few hours after this incident, though, I decided to speak to Ryou. He, too, felt weirdly off and I called him out on it, explaining how even our words felt empty and false, and I was concerned.
Then he grinned, too... and there was the tar, laughing. "I thought I had you this time!"
So yeah. Sunday was not a good day.
There is one bit of hope, though. Although I will admit it terrified me when Ryou, of all people, went tarry on me, he does have one key element to his existence that Celebi does not: his Yami. True, he wasn't anchored to headspace and so he 'dissolved out' back in 2005 or so, but seeing how Marik's Yami actually came back this year, rather dramatically, AND both of them were resurrected (at least temporarily, as it was tar-based, AND Marik's Yami was more of a splinter while Ryou's was a whole other person, so we might just be dealing with two Tar doppelgangers here) during our double 4th incident in November, this could be something to look into. Once again, I will do that tonight or tomorrow, whenever I have time. Let me continue my current train of thought first.
When I recovered enough from the shock of Sunday morning, I grabbed that Celebi plush from under the hall table and marched out to the porch with it... and promptly began flinging it at the walls. I spent about two minutes trying desperately to burn off all the shame, pain, and rage she had brought over the past year, no longer caring whether or not the plush was damaged. I thought back to when I wanted to burn it, how everyone told me not to. Now, looking for someone to stop me from slamming her anchor plush into cold stone, I found no one. Even the plush felt empty, dead, barren. I knew it was over. Whatever may have been there before, it was over. The jig was up. I looked at the lifeless thing on the floor for a moment longer, feeling nothing but absolute loathing, and instantly I knew what to do. I was going to keep her from lying to me ever again, I swore. I was going to make her anchor match her true face. So I went back into the house and got a knife, scissors, and paint.
Please understand that, by this point, I was such an emotional wreck that I had slipped far beyond any semblance of my rational self.
I grabbed the plush and cut its eyes out.
I then proceeded to paint it black, stabbing it here and there with the knife, sawing its mouth open, contemplating tearing off its wings. I spent about two hours mutilating it. Still, I felt nothing.
When I was too tired and cold to continue, I went inside, alone, and I don't remember the rest of the day.
I guess what I'm trying to say is... maybe I asked for it.

See, the reason why I even started this huge Celebi-centered paragraph in the first place was simply to give you some needed backstory, so that you would understand the next thing I am about to say.

Around 3AM on March 19th, I was hacked.
Literally.

It was so traumatic that when it was over, I curled up in a corner of the bathroom and sobbed, after trying and failing to scrub the pain away.
I don't remember how it started. I have a vague recollection of her, tar-dripping and horrible, suddenly looming over me, but that's it. What I do remember is screaming for help. Laurie eventually did show up (when she found me) and did everything in her power to try and save me, but it wasn't working. I'm almost positive that Leon and Lynne were with her, too (I know for a fact that Leon's warping ability was needed at one point).
Unfortunately, the Tar has gotten smarter.
It warped me out.
I have no idea where it and I ended up then, but we were unreachable. It felt like that horrible week after February 24th, when I couldn't feel or sense anyone upstairs: I kept trying to get the attention of anyone in headspace, begging for help, sending out frantic threads into the surrounding mindscape in hope of reaching something. No such luck. I was trapped.
...
I don't know how to refer to that thing anymore. Do I just call it "tar?" Should I use the "Tara" name or is that being too personable? Or is Celebi's name the one I should use? It looked like her... everything about it was her. It was her, who am I kidding, we all know that whole identity was faked. The whole time it was her, painted like an oilslick, mocking me, ruining me.
Julie was never so cruel. Yes, she did some horrible things to me during her time as the Tar's mistress, but now that it's attacking me like this... I don't want to think about it, let alone talk about it. My mind keeps shorting out when I try anyway.
Two times she tore the life out of me. Perhaps it was karma, divine retribution for what I did on January 15th of this year... for the 17th of last year. All I know is that it was the most awful thing I have ever experienced, to feel so completely helpless and ravaged and yet convinced that maybe I deserved it.
Still, no amount of self-loathing could chase away the sheer panic I felt when she jumped on me a third time.
I shut my eyes against the pain, and screamed for my boss.

He heard.

The next thing I knew, he was literally throwing her off me, his normally calm face tight with fury. Someone with soft white hands helped me to my feet, and in dull surprise I realized it was Unisalia, in her human guise. Then the hands gripping my shoulders were his, and I don't remember what he said, but then the space around us shattered and suddenly we were in Central.
Laurie, Leon, and Lynne all ran over to me then, terrified but relieved, asking my boss where in the world I had been, what happened, so on and so forth. I don't remember it because my brain was in shock.
Right around then is when I stumbled into the bathroom in physicality and collapsed, wrapping my arms around myself and crying soundlessly, too hollowed-out to want anything but sleep.
I went back to bed and boss took me aside upstairs, saying he was going to do his best to heal me. He and Unis then warped me to a dimly-lit, stark, but safe and familiar place. It was the waiting room from this dream, and sure enough, who came running to meet us but the suited man (he's actually known as the "Pale Man" from what I've heard) and his chandelier-girl assistant. Now, you guys probably don't know this, but remember how in that dream he allegedly had the ability to "bring drawings to life?" This is actually because of a paintbrush he owns: with it, he can literally paint things into existence. This is why boss brought me to him-- if something had been torn out of me by the Tar-Celebi, then perhaps he could help me paint it back. Anyway, Pale Man was out of breath when he reached us, and had already begun talking to Mr. Sandman and Unis about the situation when he noticed me (I had waved at the chandelier-girl then, and she had shyly waved back). The Pale Man paused, obviously recognizing me, then said "beautiful boy," in a quiet but realizing voice, effectively correcting his dialogue from the dream I met him in. He then began to apologize, but boss smiled and waved a hand, saying it wasn't really necessary-- my gender warped in dreams just as his apparently did, as our forms were not locked-in as we traveled. Boss then added that this was normal for Sandmen, after all. Pale Man paused yet again, then breathlessly asked "he's the Apprentice??" Boss nodded, but quickly added that "that wasn't the concern right now," and gave him a quick summary of what I had just endured, explaining that we needed his abilities for some emergency care. Pale Man nodded and took out his paintbrush, walking over to me, but he seemed confused, saying that he wasn't sure what needed to be done. Now I was already starting to shut down at this point, but this was a hidden blessing on a mental level as all my walls were gone. I dimly asked Pale Man if I could use the paintbrush. He glanced quickly at my boss for a moment, who nodded his approval and told him not to worry-- I could handle such a responsibility, and knew how to operate such artifacts (I didn't realize until the next day that asking for his brush could have been viewed as criminally out-of-place if I hadn't held such an "honorable position"). So he handed it to me, and immediately I painted the first thing that came to mind... a faucet and handle, tapped directly into my lower abdomen. Truthfully all I could think of was how disturbing it had been seeing Lynne pull out gobs of tar from that area back in February, after having seen Braeden do the same back in SLC. I knew that if there was anything in me that didn't belong, it needed to get out before I could put anything bright back in... and after that hellish experience, I knew for a fact that I was effectively toxic from how much she had infected me with.
I think I vaguely mentioned that I "needed something to drain this into," because I do recall someone manifesting either a vortex or a container of sorts before I turned the handle. I'll tell you what, though... I'm glad I was in such a daze, because I think if I had seen that much tar come pouring out of my stomach sober, I would have had another breakdown. As it was, though, it was a huge relief knowing it was going away. But seriously, there was a LOT. Just... this torrent of black gushed out, and I just waited until it stopped. That was it. Afterwards Pale Man was kind and wise enough to transmute the collected tar into White headspace energy (you can do that if you have it in a neutral state-- it's just energy after all, like everything else, and if it's not currently being used maliciously it's rather simple to return it to pure constructive energy) so that it didn't reinfect anyone. However I now had no idea what to do with this spigot in my stomach, and briefly wondered if Pale Man had magic paint thinner or something before the chandelier-girl walked over to me. The Pale Man said erasing things was her job, as she reached out and delicately touched the contraption. It turned a soft glowing white where she did so, like a candle flame, and then to my astonishment it began to "phase out" into nothingness, becoming transparent and glowy-white in its entirety as it did so, and steadily dissolving like ashes into the air. It was quickly gone, and I thanked both her and the Pale Man for their help.
I know there was more conversation here, but my memory is shot and I was already so dead tired by then that all I recall for sure is Mr. Sandman and Unis (who I think was her normal unicorn self at this point; I think she had a star on her forehead like Amalthea? I'll have to look again) both bringing me back downstairs, promising to watch over me during the night, and expressing their sorrow that such an event had occurred at all.

So that's that. Now for today.

I already summarized this earlier, so let's skip straight to the bit about Julie not liking my wanting to lie about the Tar. First, though, I must give you some context... I didn't drive for most of the way up. Not only was I still a bit of a mess, but I was exhausted from not sleeping well. So, Josephina decided to drive. It was pretty hilarious, but his valley-girl speech pattern prompted me to dizzily ask if Julie talked like that? Julie then spoke up from upstairs (somewhat offended) that no, she didn't, and she didn't like the assumption simply because she used to be blonde/ tan/ etc. There was a bit of arguing here, which somehow ended up with us wondering how Waldorf talked? So she got into the drivers seat, but we were all shocked when she couldn't talk. This worried me-- blue voices becoming mute is a sign of instability in that slot, either with me or them-- but she insisted it was okay via body language. She then left, explaining that it was just because she wasn't skilled at driving yet, and that lack of skill is what caused the voice break. Anyway, it was at this point that Julie insisted on driving, so I let her, but Laurie's immediate question was "why are you so pissed off?" because she had been acting quite negatively lately. To our surprise, Julie exclaimed "am I the only bloody person up here who cares about what happened on Tuesday?!"
The rest of the drive consisted of her essentially pouring her heart out (angrily!) to us, explaining how she refused to pretend that everything was okay here, especially when the "same thing she risked her life to escape was STILL hurting me in the way it had through her." Understandably this was tearing her apart. But yeah, this went on for about 15-20 minutes, until we were almost at the office, and now Laurie and Julie were fighting over driving rights, with Laurie insisting that everyone "chill the heck up" (chill out and shut up) while Julie kept saying that we just didn't understand what she was going through and how important this was. Ultimately Lynne shoved her way in and told everyone to just calm down. This made Julie even more distraught though, and Laurie also questioned her on this, asking "aren't you supposed to balance, not ignore?" Lynne was rather flustered though, and admitted that she was at a loss as to how to deal with the situation. So we all collectively shrugged our shoulders and decided we'd figure it out after the appointment. So I then had about five minutes to try and get back into the body, which was difficult as hell actually, especially with all the lingering energy from everyone else.
Anyway, the appointment came and went, and then it was time to continue with the day's errands. I stopped at my favorite natural food store (as it was right down the road, how great is that) to stock up on soap and toothpaste (as well as kale chips because I needed comfort food dude), but when I reached the checkout, I realized with shock that I had forgotten my pin number, and I only had $10 left in spending money. I apologized profusely, bought only the toothpaste and one package of kale chips (they were out of soap), and left. To my surprise, Genesis showed up, and upon catching a glimpse of my face he asked what was up. Actually, I was on the edge of an inexplicable emotional collapse, triggered by not having my debit card number (and therefore feeling utterly incompetent and helpless), but probably motivated by what I had been through over the past week. I tried to talk to him for a bit in the car, but Julie was getting REALLY mad that I kept pushing that emotional hurt under the rug, and I had to apologize to Genesis, asking him to go upstairs, as Julie decided to drive for most of the way home.
She had a place to go first, though. Context: I had $4 left in Boscovs credit from Christmas, which I obviously wasn't going to use, so Julie asked if she could. I said yes, and she made me promise to follow through on letting her buy whatever she wanted with it, covering the rest of the bill as long as she only got one thing. I agreed, knowing full well what she wanted but deciding she deserved it, and that's where I was left this morning, with my pink headvoice hellbent on going to the mall. I timidly asked why she was so avid on this point, and I will admit I was rather moved when her reply was she "wanted to feel like she belonged somewhere, even if it was just in a shared body." Owning at least one article of clothing that was hers and hers alone would do wonders towards alleviating her lingering existential dread, as it would be a tangible symbol of her existence. To anyone seeing it, and to this body wearing it, it was proof that yes, she was real.
Julie had calmed down somewhat by now, but Lynne gently asked if she could drive again for a little while, to give Julie a break. She agreed, but soon after Lynne began to front, she changed her mind, and said she'd rather give a turn to those who hadn't had one yet today. Nathaniel happened to be next in line, but not only could he barely talk, he claimed he was a little sensitive to light (it was about 9:30 AM at this point), so he politely backed out after about 20 seconds. I actually don't think Leon drove-- he still has a lot of trouble with body dysphoria, which I desperately want to help him with as I care about him dearly and that isn't easy for me to handle either-- but I do remember that Spine did. Having her front is always interesting to watch; she doesn't quite understand having muscles and skin, so her movements are rather pointed and rigid, and her speech pattern is similar. But she's adorable, so as long as she's not having trouble, we don't mind letting her out. I know Julie was getting antsy again (fearing I was going to break my promise) and kept asking to drive again, but once we hit the highway, Laurie decided "to heck with it" and took the wheel. She commented that everyone seriously needed to calm down, rhetorically adding (in a possible reference to Julie earlier) "am I the only one of us who actually looks around when they drive?" Which is true-- everyone else seems to be primarily focused on their own presence in the body, whereas Laurie and I are so comfortable sharing a space already that her focus is on her surroundings instead. So she's the only headvoice who would rather look at the scenery than talk while fronting, which I personally find incredibly endearing, but yeah. Interestingly enough, at one point she paused and then suddenly asked me, looking shocked, "is this what you get all the time?" I asked what she meant, and she clarified that there were "random thoughts and comments" springing into the body's thought processes that weren't hers. She added that they were obviously programmed, before admonishing "I hope you don't identify with that garbage?" I admitted that sometimes I did, if I wasn't paying attention, and she said that I really did need to be careful, because programs are virtually one-way-tickets to Tar City, so to speak. I promised I'd keep that in mind.
We reached the mall a few minutes later, but hilariously enough it didn't open for another 12 minutes or so. Julie was driving again of course-- she was the one going shopping, no one else-- but she actually wasn't bothered by this unexpected wait. Instead, she kicked the seat back in the car, popped in my CD of The Dear Hunter's Color Spectrum album, and skipped straight to the White tracks. And for the next 12 minutes, that is all that she did... she just closed her eyes and listened to it, smiling. Honestly I couldn't help but smile too, watching her. It was a moment I had never expected to see... there she was, Julie, inhabiting the body that everyone downstairs assumed was mine, and owning it. Hell, she drives it better than I do! But that's kind of the point. Julie, a headvoice that at one time had no hope for a normal, happy life, was having just that. In that moment, to me, it was as if she had never been anything but who she was right then... a normal girl in a normal body.
I'll tell you what, I'm really glad I had that moment, because then she walked into the mall, and headed straight for the lingerie section.
It was adorably hilarious. She wanted to look at and/or try on everything, while I was pacing back and forth upstairs, still stupidly feeling responsible for the body's "persona" and feeling rather guilty that Julie's energy did not match it. She didn't care, though-- as long as there are no mirrors around Julie typically doesn't-- and kept browsing through lady things like it was perfectly natural. And yes, it was for her, but I've never been in a lingerie section in my life, so you get the picture. To make a long story short, she picked out three brassieres that wouldn't overshoot our budget and practically danced over to the fitting room (all three were pink and/or black, obviously). Imagine her excitement when one fit perfectly-- and to top it all off, it was a hot pink one with flowery lace and glitter. I couldn't say no if I wanted to, it was too freaking perfect. So I threw my hands up in the air, laughed, and sent her over to a cashier. The transaction went down without a hitch (no questions were asked at the discrepancy between Julie's girly-pink bra purchase and the body's uber-butch appearance, thank God), but I swear to you, we had barely left the parking garage when she suddenly exclaimed: "why didn't I buy matching panties??"
The uproar that resulted from THAT was the funniest thing I have experienced in a LONG time. First she tried to go back to Boscovs, but I told her it would have been way too embarrassing as we had just left. So she asked to stop at the local K-Mart as they did sell some there (she'd eyed them before), and I acquiesced. Now I admittedly do not remember the drive from that point until we reached the place, but upon checking out the wares and ultimately leaving (no money left in the wallet for those prices), Laurie decided she had had it. As I settled back into the body (I desperately needed to relax) and watched amusedly, Laurie began wondering aloud why in the world we had just spent the past hour talking about underwear, of all things, especially considering the strangeness of our system. It struck her as bizarrely incongruous, but Julie was unfazed, and said that she wanted some, so she got some, end of story. Since everyone was now in Central she was chilling out with Lynne, and at that point Laurie incredulously asked Julie, "but you're the only one who even worries about that, right?" nonverbally referring to Lynne not having literal biology either (Julie does). Cue the best moment of this entire day, as despite this, Lynne simply smiled and pulled up her dress to reveal the fanciest Burlesque undergarments imaginable. Laurie's expression was priceless, as was Julie's squeal of delight, but THEN Josephina wandered over and answered Laurie's desperate "not you too??" with "I only wear lolita undergarments." Julie snarkily asked if that meant he wore bloomers, to which he blushed profusely and told her that he couldn't wear those with scene pants, was she insane? Lynne giggled and asked Laurie why she was so flustered about this, and Julie joined in with a grinning "yeah, don't you wear any?" Laurie exasperatedly replied "I wear pants!! I don't have anything to wear underwear for!" She asked Lynne the same thing, but she simply shrugged and said she liked wearing it anyway. Cue my favorite moment, as Laurie sighed loudly, threw her hands in the air and exhaustedly declared: "women!" I couldn't help but laugh as I corrected her, simply saying "feminine people" (Because Jo identifies as a guy but he's still over there talking about panties, so). Laurie nodded sagely and answered, "you're right, and thank you for correcting me, because my brain isn't working very well right now." Unfortunately for her, this only got worse as then the rest of Central wandered in. Wally was trying to decide what kind she would wear, which was funny enough because she doesn't wear clothing at all, but then someone asked Nat and Leon what they wore and I swear Leon turned bright red. Right about then Laurie said "that's it, I give up, I'm outta here," and left the room, adding that if any individuals wanted to do "masculine stuff" then they were welcome to join her. She then asked me if I had any music on hand that she could jam out to, as she really needed to clear her head (she looked seriously exhausted, which was amusing in context), so I said I'd look. Thankfully I had brought Razia (my iPod who is back from the dead, whoa) and put him on shuffle, which worked well enough. So Laurie, Leon, and Nat were rocking out for a while, and Chaos and Genesis got wind of this rather quickly so they joined in. The grand finale came right as we were almost home, though-- the Oliver remix of Hot Mess came up (a classic for us up here), and immediately Laurie went "dude, yes, keep this on!!" and to my surprise, brought everyone back to Central. She motioned for Waldorf to do the vocoder voice (she enthusiastically agreed), while she and Chaos waited eagerly for the 1:00 mark... and with that perfectly summed-up reaction to the day's events, stuff got awesome.
The next four minutes were a straight-up headspace dance party. It was brilliant.
What can I say, Laurie's the best at that sort of thing!

On a similarly positive note, I discovered this song today and I CANNOT STOP LISTENING TO IT.


Geez but it is late. If you couldn't tell, this entry took quite a long time to write, so I'll close up with a few notes for the next one (which needs to happen soon).
In light of the system losing it's Chartreuse slot holder what with Celebi being corrupted, we're reviewing everyone's colors again. Vermilion is still empty, and now Spine is throwing a monkey wrench in since, if she holds Brown and isn't an outspacer (a fact I actually am NOT sure of??), then it would mean Brown is a core color, and we would have to re-graph the system layout. In any case it's complicated... especially since the biggest concern is actually my color.
Everyone seems to agree that I belong in the White slot, but when I asked boss about whether or not I should move there immediately, he shook his head... I asked him why.
He said that I couldn't ascend to that slot until I solved the troubles that surrounded my current one.
Makes perfect sense to me.

I think that's a perfect observation to close this on, though, because if I kept talking about all the color stuff I've been figuring out lately I'd be on here for another three hours.
Have a good night, everyone. I promise I'll be careful.





You're a hot mess
You act like you got nothing to lose
But I've already lost my temper

I put my loving on the line for you, lady
But my spirits were low
I would have committed a crime for you, baby
Yeah, it got out of control

I know my temper's been kinda crazy
I need somebody
What?
I need someone
Your love is real but I just feel suffocated
I feel so lonely
What?
I feel so numb

I thought we had this conversation already
Do you really want to go through this all over again?